#but if my fucking brothers ~depression~ gets a bit bad she makes sure we All treat him as gentle as fucking possible

[etls]

so fucking angry. why. why did my mum KNOWINGLY treat me worse because she knew some of what I had been through and knew she couldn't fix it. so she minimised everything I felt. ridiculed me for showing any emotion. still does so to this day. but she ADMITTED. that she fucking abused me my entire LIFE, because I was going through so much that my mental health wasn't fixable by her. so she chose to add to my issues? and now she gets fucking upset when I tell her I will never be her fucking friend? that we will never get along? you fucking CAUSED this jo-anne you did this to your fucking SELF.

#want to put this on main but I complain too much there so #aaron #hi my names aaron and ive been here ages but had the most non solid identity ever and I have So Much Trauma hows it fucking going #I'm so fucking exhausted and angry all the time and we can't even get a break now we are 24 this MONTH #cant get over her telling me her reasons for this. her APOLOGISING. then continuing just the same a week later #business as fucking usual. #but if my fucking brothers ~depression~ gets a bit bad she makes sure we All treat him as gentle as fucking possible #she made sure he has never faced adversity. she was the model parent to him his entire life. #she told me I was a lost cause by the time he was born. I was 3 when he was born. so what does she fucking know about that she wont let on #because not many 3 year olds have enough trauma and bad enough mental health to be written off by their mum as a lost fucking cause. #it's funny. me and my brother are both fucked in the real world. him because he's never had to do anything difficult in his life #and me because I'm too messed up to even function anymore. I'd say I'd rather be like him but at least I'm not genuinely fucking stupid #she never pushed him to learn things if it got too hard. just set us both up for failure in different ways really #at least if I ever get out I have the drive to do something with my life. eventually.

[tenjikyu]

𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘯' 𝘺𝘰𝘶 - 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ bonten!mikey x male!rockstar!reader , reader plays guitar in a band , reader dresses more grunge as that’s the bands theme , think nana osaki from nana bc she’s the inspo for the fic , very lighthearted, tryna let poor bonten!mikey catch a break , slight sexual references but nothing actually happens , bonten is a lil ooc bc they all act like family but it’s okay bc it’s bonten.

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR BONTEN ARC, NOT REALLY BUT WARNING JUST IN CASE. (honestly it’s not spoilers at all bc it’s pretty fanon in comparison to the canon bonten timeline.)

“cmon mikey, get outta the apartment for once in your life that isn’t to go to headquarters!” rindou pouts at his boss.

manjiro really didn’t know what he expected when he decided all the executives should move into a massive penthouse together. sure it was good for his health to be around others and not coop himself up in agony, but he didn’t exactly like the idea of being dragged out whenever his lackeys felt like it.

“not intrested, leave me alone.” manjiro says, attempting to make his way to his bedroom. to go see a band he rarely listened to? who goes to a concert when you don’t give a shit about them to begin with?

sure he’s heard all about the gorgous female lead singer and the hot as fuck guitarist. (Y/N), right? manjiro couldn’t remember nor did he really care to.

“but i bought us all front row tickets to see Black Rose so we could witness how hot Hiroko Asato issss” ran attempted to persuade the stubborn bonten leader.

it wasn’t working.

“i’m looking forward to seeing her outfits up close. from what i’ve heard, she wears pure designer.” kokonoi adds onto the conversation.

��cmon mikey, it’s only one night. if you hate it that much i can drive you back to the penthouse.” kakucho, ever the resolver, bargains with the pouting leader.

“…” manjiro stays silent. ‘it’s just one night i guess, plus it means that i’d have them off my ass for at least a month’ he reasons with himself.

“alright, let’s get going then.” he says, the rest of the executives silently fist bumping the air rn.

the wait to get into the stadium was a bitch, however with a little bit of force, the bonten executives managed to get inside ahead of time.

koko ordered the drinks, kakucho and mochi reserved the spots and the haitani brothers were chatting up some vip ladies in scandalous dresses. meanwhile mikey is . . .

umm . . .

wait.

“oh, hey! are you lost..?”

you do your best to keep cool with the fact that the leader of the biggest mafia syndicate in japan was in your personal changing room.

“the show doesn’t start for another 2 hours, can i help you to your seat? i wouldn’t mind.” you offer, keeping careful of how you talk.

the hotshots of bonten’s identities had been long revealed to the public, however people were too afraid to really report their whereabouts to authorities. many stories of people who had revealed their location that day were swiftly eliminated, even before the news of their position were made public.

and so, knowing that the tatoo on this rather depressed looking man’s neck was a bad sign, you decided to just adhere to whatever he might need.

you were already dressed, the iconic vivienne westwood jewellery hanging from every inch of your body. each member of your band had a significant brand to them, so it wasn’t uncommon for you to be seen decked out in the iconic space themed jewellery. you had always loved the style, and it seemed the mafia boss was equally as intrigued in your designer pieces. you even had their logo imprinted onto your guitar.

“no, i’m okay.” manjiro only replied, his eyes not leaving the necklace that rested gently on your chest.

he didn’t really know why he snuck into the private quarters of the band. perhaps it was to escape his ever-so-annoying underlings?

or perhaps, a little part of him wanted to catch a glimpse of you.

apart from the obvious favourite of the band, the lead singer AS well as the only girl in the band, you were a favourite among listeners.

you had women and men alike screaming your name and begging for skin-on autographs. despite being a dude yourself, you had other guys begging you to sign their tailbone (which you had to politely decline).

manjiro understood why, as you were definitely easy on the eyes. your amazing sense of fashion and your toned body didn’t help.

“uhm.. are you feeling okay? you seem a bit dazed.” you question. in reality, the man was just dead on staring into your soul, scaring the living shit outta you.

“yes, i’m alright.” he finally responds.

.

. .

. . .

“here, take a seat.” you finally break the silence. why was he here? you didn’t think that a guy like him would have time to sit around some flashy concert. sure, you were a big band but let’s be real, shouldn’t he be at his headquarters shooting peoples heads in?

alas, you knew better then to question it.

and so, you order in some glasses of alcohol and begin chatting. you spoke about your career, how your band came to be and about dreams.

you aren’t entirely sure why you were discussing this sort of shit with a random mafia leader who could probably give less then a shit about you, however he seemed almost enamoured with your conversation.

you felt bad for talking his ear off, especially since you now only had about 45 minutes till showtime and you STILL hadn’t tuned your guitar, however he didn’t seem to care.

everytime you stopped talking, manjiro almost.. glared? at you? as if he was offended that you stopped talking.

unbeknownst to you, manjiro loved listening to you talk. the way you worded things and your voice overall was heavenly to his ears.

the piercings that decorated your skin were appealing to the man. the chain from your ear to you lips especially looked so… attractive to him.

“(Y/N) C’MON, WE’RE ON IN 10” you could hear toru, your drummer, scream out to you.

“SHIT! MY GUITAR” you freaked. HOW did you forget your guitar??

“i’ll come visit after the show.” manjiro says, exiting the room.

“oh, oka-“ before you had the chance to finish your sentence, he vanished.

well, now you couldn’t WAIT for the show to finish!

after the show had ended, you packed up the rest of your gear. your manager had popped in and taken your stage clothes back to the studio before bidding farewell.

as you sat around in a pair of baggy jeans and a t-shirt (inspo - don’t feel like you have to imagine this.) , you paitently waited for the white haired mafia boss to sneak back into your private room.

why were you even waiting? he was probably bullshitting you anyways. why would someone as busy as manjiro sano give a fuck about what you were doi-

“yo.” a cheeky grin graces his face, looking back at you.

note to self : doubt gets you nowhere!

“hey manjiro, enjoy the show?” you ask the man, automatically getting comfortable in his presence. you didn’t exactly know why you felt so relaxed around him, considering his rather infamous reputation, but you just did.

“yeah, you’re certainly the best in your band though. could go solo and still be famous if you wanted.” he replies, automatically heating your face up.

“cmon (Y/N), let’s get going already. i’m tired.” he winged to you in a childlike manner.

“okay.. WAIT—HUH?? where am i going?” you shriek, having no idea that he actually PLANNED to leave this place with you in tow.

“back to my place. duh. i don’t just talk to anybody for fun unless i plan to shoot them in the head an hour later.” he responds in a nonchalant voice.

this boy is gonna be the death of you, literally or figuratively? only time will tell.

regardless of how much you declined the offer, the man ends up dragging you out to the expensive limo that was owned by bonten. not only were you dragged into the car, you were squished in between the boss and 2nd in command of the syndicate, haruchiyo sanzu.

not that you were complaining, the pink haired dude was hot as fuck.

there were many things that occurred that night :

• at 1am, you arrived at their shared headquarters, completely baffled that they all lived together. you decided that you would NOT mention anything that might offend anyone in the room right now.

• at 2am, you were drinking alcohol more pricey then your stage guitar. you weren’t by any means on the poor side, but these men lived a new version of luxury.

• at 3am, you were playing pool with the haitani brothers and sanzu. you lost. miserably.

• at 4am, you were half naked and making out with manjiro sano on his own bed. you didn’t expect the high and mighty manjiro sano to be so submissive in the bedroom.

wait…

“HUH??” WHY WERE YOU IN MANJIRO SANO’S BEDROOM?? WHY WERE YOU IN NOTHING BUT BOXERS?? WHY DID MANJIRO SANO HAVE BITE MARKS ALONG HIS NECK??

“relax dummy, nothing went beyond tongue action.” a mop of platinum hair grumbles beneath the duvet covers.

thank fuck.

‘wait. what time is it?’ you ponder, taking a look at the clock next to the bed. 3:45pm. just how much did you drink to wake up this late?

before you had anymore time to think about it, you feel a thin but strong arm yank you back under the covers,

and come face to face with a pouty mafia leader.

as if on instinct, you pull his head gently into your chest, cradling his head like he’s a porcelain doll. his arms wrap around you as he nuzzled into your body closer, seeking your warmth and comfort.

it doesn’t quite dawn on you that your cuddling a man you literally met yesterday. not because you’re naive or dense, but because it just felt right to be in each others arms.

it’s not until mochi wakes the both of you up for dinner that you reopen your eyes, realising you hadn’t moved since you got dragged down.

it’s an all out war getting manjiro to leave his bed, but when you’re swiftly abducted by the haitani brothers, he’s up and ready, chasing the idiots around claiming they ‘stole his baby.”

well, that’s one way to get a boyfriend!

#manjiro sano #manjiro mikey sano #mikey #manjiro #manjiro x reader #mikey x reader #manjiro sano x reader #manjiro x male reader #manjiro x m!reader #mikey x m!reader #mikey x male reader #manjiro sano x male reader #manjiro sano x m!reader #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers x m!reader #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev x male reader #bonten #tokyo revengers bonten #rockstar au

[mommyashtoreth]

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FIC PRETTYPLEASE (holds bowl out like a starving orphan) 🥺

YAYYYY okay I'm gonna like. dump a whole bunch of stuff that bestie @blackmarketjoy and I have been thinking about and working on and stick it under the cut BUT a little amuse-bouche: I'm currently workshopping a goodomens fan-minisode fic Thing that's set in the 1910s where Crowley is disguised as a live-in maid tempting Some Rich Guy into greed and financial ruin with her demonic wiles and sexy ankles, and Aziraphale is disguised as a war nurse who's been quartered in the same Fancy Rich House with some wounded soldiers under her care because you could just do that sort of thing back then. It's a liiiittle Nanny Ashtoreth/Brother Francis-esque but not quite as pre-planned. Okay that's enough to get you goin here's all the extra nonsense (as Aziraphale and Crowley are both presenting as women in this Thing, she/her pronouns will be used for both throughout):

This whole concept actually originated from a DREAM I had that included Crowley in a vintage nurse's uniform because if I am known for anything it is my ability to be happy, big, and sexually normal. My friend Mifs then was like Oh what if Aziraphale was in a vintage maid uniform lol and that festered in my mind for a while. We ended up switching the roles around because it makes more sense with the timeline (since Az would have her bookshop by this time period and typically isn't wont to leave it for too long unless there's an extenuating circumstance) and is generally more in-character for Aziraphale to have the Helping People role.

As I've said before on this blog, I think it's Easy and therefore boring to reduce Crowley's skill of "temptation" to something purely sexual, especially when she's in girlmode. This isn't to say she's completely nonsexual in this fic thing, it's more fun for me if she isn't, but she's not specifically aiming to, idk, "inspire lust" or whatever. She's merely, idk, convincing this Rich Guy to make extremely bad investments while sitting in his lap or something, AND to reveal how much of an asshole this guy is. I don't know what the hell people invested in in the 1910s but I'm sure she'd pick something absolutely disastrous. Maybe she knew about the upcoming Great Depression

Meanwhile I think Aziraphale is here by complete accident, mostly bc I think it's funny when the universe pushes them together. Also because I'm imagining some sort of "Ugh, you again. What are YOU doing here?" "ME? I'm saving LIVES. I should be asking what YOU'RE doing here, foul serpent" interaction and I love it when women argue because they want to fuck each other

This whole thing is set during the winter because that gives Lots and lots and lots of opportunities for huddling for warmth, hand-holding, dramatic fireplace lighting, etc.

^ Related to huddling for warmth, I think Aziraphale (a little bit too excitedly) offers to room up with Crowley in idk, The Help's Quarters or whatever and they end up sharing a bedroom. Hayden idk if I've told u this but in the book Crowley sleeps despite not needing to (I don't Think this is ever mentioned in the show but like if a book thing isn't directly contrasted by a show thing it's canon to me) while Aziraphale doesn't, so I'm kinda just imagining Az spends all night reading while Crowley sleeps. But since it's cold as fuck Az eventually starts to like. read in bed under the covers while Crowley spoons her "for warmth." Also I know they don't Need light to see but I keep imagining Az summoning some kind of Holy Light to read by (maybe it's just one of the little human preferences they develop over time) and Crowley bitching about how bright it is and kinda pushing her face into Az's neck or shoulder "to cover her eyes." Yuri

Going back to some of the Rich Asshole Guy stuff. I think he's like, creepy and pervy and does a lot of Leering at both Az and Crowley, but is especially bad with Crowley since like "she's leading him on" or whatever. Both the Job minisode and the Edinburgh minisode can pretty easily be described as including some kind of "lesson" (almost always for Aziraphale) and I think it'd be fun to do a version of that where unfairly GOOD things (material wealth) are given to a BAD person, rather than the standard opposite. Ultimately the story would end with Rich Asshole Guy making some kind of unwanted advance and Crowley, having successfully driven him to ruin via his own greed, takes off her glasses and shows her eyes (I imagine he's asked her repeatedly to show her eyes, yknow in a You'd Be Prettier If You Smiled sort of way) and hisses and etc., Putting The Fear Of God in him before she and Az leave. Az could, idk, smite the guy or something too he'd deserve it

I think Az is like veeeery repressed sexually, somehow even moreso in girlmode than she is in guymode, and since Crowley is being Vaguely Sexy it's just the perfect yuri storm. Hayden u already saw the snippet I wrote about this but I'll recount it here anyway: Az pulls some like weird pseudo-victim blamey stuff on Crowley like "I don't know why you're surprised that he tries to look up your skirt, I don't know what you expected, pulling it up that high" bc she's working thru some stuff okay and that's the only way she can process the fact that she notices how much leg Crowley is showing at any given time. She knows better obviously and will admit as much it's just that divinity is a performance, yknow, and she's still trying to pretend to be dedicated to that.

IIIII keep imagining something with like Az smuggling human food and Crowley smuggling human alcohol and they have a little yuri dinner in like the courtyard or something, and Crowley gets to tease Aziraphale for stealing. And then Mifs added onto it this is All their ideas but it's really good so I'm paraphrasing it here: 1) Aziraphale gets sick of eating shitty watery period-accurate Soup For The Poor and decides to finally do something about it 2) since Crowley is a maid she'd have more access to the kitchen and leftover food and etc and since Aziraphale is a nurse she'd have more access to idk wherever rich people put alcohol because it's the 1910s and medicine is fake. So it's like them stealing bits and pieces away for each other yknow... themes

I think Some Rich Guy (who needs a name I'm very open to name ideas for all these side characters) should have kids so Crowley can kinda subtly turn them against him because idk, "honor your father and mother" is a Commandment and all that and therefore not doing so is A Sin even if your dad's a dick (Aziraphale can have a little Moment about this, I love putting her through Moments). I'm imagining this less in like a proactive Nanny Ashtoreth way (Hayden I know u haven't seen the show but Crowley's purpose as Nanny Ashtoreth is to instill as much evil into the child they believe is the antichrist as possible) and more in a "purposefully turning a blind eye and letting kids 'misbehave'" sort of way.

"Why doesn't Aziraphale just miracle her soldiers' wounds better" because she wants to spend as much time with Crowley as possible and she's enjoying the maid/nurse roleplay. Obviously. (When Crowley asks her about this she lies through her teeth, of course)

Another idea from Mifs I'm just gonna stick in here: Az has some kind of crisis because one of her soldiers is getting worse and Crowley has to calm her down about it. Shoulder grabbing, face grabbing, eye contact, hand-holding, etc. Very very psychosexual for them both. Also Crowley ends up doing something to help the dying guy, filling her Niceys quota for the minisode (but she's NOT nice! She's mean and she means it!)

OH working title for this courtesy of Mifs is "Of Lace and Lacerations" which I LOVE. Currently the Google doc I write all my ideas on is called "you like kissing girls don't you"

Idk how explicitly romantic (and possibly even sexual) this Thing is going to be, like the romantic tension is obviously obviously there but idk if there'll be kissing. I need to think on how "canon-compliant" I want this all to be (as romantic tension is very canon-compliant but explicit kissing and etc. is not so much). I've been thinking about a bonus feature at the end that's just nasty woman sex so stay tuned for that

And uhhh I think that's it! This is Way longer than I expected lmao but hopefully u enjoy it Hayden ily <3<3 and hopefully some other people enjoy this too! I'm very excited about how this has been shaping up so far and I really hope to write a real actual long-ish thing. This has been a really good exercise for me in story development, I think having the minisode structure to work within helps my ideas fall into place so much more easily (since I usually have a ton of problems with structure). Goodomens yuri forever I'm giving us the yuri minisode we never fucking got

#ask #skeletonsonparade #good omens #gomens #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #ineffable spouses #ineffable wives #good omens fanfiction #good omens fic #it's not Really fic okay but it Will be. when i'm done with her #of lace and lacerations

[officialeggsuprise]

Ok so a bit into my brain for the doctor who au:

Obviously all the different iterations of vash we have seen so far are his different regenerations, 98 is one of the youngest regens and therefore seems way goofier. I think the different stages of max can be different regens, like the spilt black and blonde to all black hair are 2 different regens. And stamp is the most recent and he’s depressed. And he’s The Stampede, vash has a gallifreyan name built into his name so like pop off.

Wolfwood I want to be the Jack character, having known and traveled with vash, getting killed, being brought back and then getting stuck like that. I like the idea of him being from the future and being a time agent too since jacks backstory does involve having a brother so I think he slots into that role p nicely.

So Meryl I had a very fun idea for, stamp Meryl is vashs newest companion and he thinks she looks familiar but doesn’t look that much into it because he’s hurting rn and just wants to not be alone. Meryl grew up on stories from her grandmother of space fairing adventures fighting aliens and saving people, her grandmother who was an insurance agent later became a journalist and inspired her to do so. Yeah her grandma is 98/ max Meryl, but I’m gonna change her name to Myrtle for the sake of not having 2 Meryl’s but Meryl is like the spitting image of her grandma as that happens sometimes, but she is shorter and styles herself differently. She’s in college to be a journalist before getting swept up in the stampede.

So 98/ max Meryl aka Myrtle did the whole bad wolf thing and is the reason woowoo is now immortal, it was an oopsie ok. But Myrtle, woowoo, and Vash were just besties, no romantic feelings here (because I want the stamp trio to be the ones for that and imagine dating a guy your grandma also dated that’s fucking awkward) ((plus I read 98/max more platonic between vash and Meryl vs. stampede where they feel more romantically inclined))

Nai I was going back and forth on keeping him as The Master or making him The Lord since he’s constantly referred to as lord knives and shit. But yeah he’s taking the place of the master here WITH NO SUBTEXT WE ARE NOT DOING INCEST HERE. They simply both looked into the time vortex and got fucked up in different ways with vash running and never stopping and nai going off the deep end, though now the ending of the time war is going to be a little different.

Rem is here but she is taking form as the tardis, I love the episode where the doctor gets to meet the tardis, OBVIOUSLY NOTHING HERE IS ROMANTIC EITHER THE TARDIS IS MOM-ING HIM HERE, it’s so bitter sweet and makes me sob. That means he’s not going to call her sexy I hope we are all ok with that shdhdbfjdbdhbr.

Roberto is gonna be a companion and also happens to be Milly’s uncle and the journalist Meryl is shadowing. He gets tied up into all of this when meryl comes back from an adventure and accidentally brings some of it with her to him and he’s kind forced to come along. Will he die? Good question.

Milly is Meryl’s college roommate and I’ll have her join the crew later on, kind of like in stampede how we haven’t seen her yet but she’ll be on the tardis you better believe it.

Brad and luida are older companions that are now apart of unit and help vash when he needs it, think like Martha and Mickey types but again more parental toward the doctor, left on their own and still help when they can.

Let’s talk about the fucky stuff I wanna do with timelord twins:

Vash and Nai are special since they are twins, they are constant reflections of each other and always regenerate together, as if there were some cosmic force making sure they were never out of sync, they’re always fatally wounded at the same time. They can also feel one another, like a tether that constantly connects them, they don’t just automatically know where the other is but they can always feel the other’s presence as if they were standing side by side at all times.

Now the time war:

In my mind Vash would be fully black hair trimax for this regen (outfit would be different but I would need a post to go over all the fits) and Nai would be almost fully black hair but with that little tuft of blonde. Nai convinces Vash that he just wants the war to end, that he didn’t want to be a soldier fighting in this endless war, and he needs vash to tell his where the vault is and help him get in there because there is something in there that can save them all, Vash at his wits end believes Nai and gets him in and they take the moment, Nai convinces Vash to wait in his tardis for him but the conscious of the machine appears to Vash and not Nai in an attempt to stop Nai, Vash and Nai fight, Nai cuts off his arm and gets to the machine before Vash and the moment is used, Vash (who’s punishment if he uses the machine is to live) ends up in the tardis on the verge of regeneration watching as both Gallifrey and Skaro are destroyed. And as he begins to regenerate he can’t feel Nai anymore. He regens into stamp Vash, though his arm is still missing, like a reminder, every scar he earned in the war as well still marking his body and for the first time in his life he is truly alone. And when he looks in the mirror he sees that his eye color is now that of his brothers, gone is his typical seafoam green, now they are frighteningly blue.

Anyway I will be writing a fic sooooooooooo if y’all wanna know more like outfits and timeline stuff I’d be down to share.

#doctor who au #trigun #trigun stampede #trigun maximum #trigun 98 #98 trigun #trigun anime #trigun manga #luida trigun #brad trigun #meryl trigun #meryl stryfe #milly thompson #nickolas d wolfwood #wolfwood #wolfwood trimax #nick wolfwood #vash #vash trimax #vash the plushie #vash x meryl #vash trigun #vash tristamp #vash saverem #vashwood #vashmeryl #vash the stampede #trigun vash #mashwood

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello hello,

sorry bc this is a bit long and I got a bit carried away

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not] went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong. I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk] and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents] and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out…

also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself

so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok

Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what?

again sorry this is way too long

Hi love! First of all, I wanna give a TW to people reading:

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Okay, I'm gonna take this one section at a time:

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not]

Okay chances are you're not making it up. Thinking you're making it up is a super common symptom of guilt trips and gaslighting. If you think it happened...it probably did.

went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong.

This is NOT okay of them. They're being disrespectful.

I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk]

Uhm hi hello hi. NO. No no no. This is NOT okay. Parents do NOT tell their children about their suicidal feelings. Absolutely not. This is a classic example of parentification. You, even as a teenager, are the CHILD. You are NOT responsible for your parents, and you should not feel any sort of pressure to help with their wellbeing. Nope.

and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing

yup. parentification. You've been expected to take on the role of a parent when convenient and act like a child when convenient. this is not okay and you're absolutely right to feel weird and bad and resentful about it.

because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents]

And here's the thing: that can also be true. A lot of times, parents can both love you/be good people AND unintentionally be hurtful. But in a way, that can be even more difficult because like...how do you explain to someone who thinks they're not being hurtful that they ARE?

and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out… also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

This is what I'm saying: it's super difficult to convince someone they're being hurtful when they truly think they aren't. Trust me, my mother is the same way. But you aren't wrong for wanting to distance yourself. Also, don't compare yourself to other people. You have a DIFFERENT home life, not necessarily a better or worse one.

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what? again sorry this is way too long

Don't be sorry! I guess the first thing I'd say is, all of your feelings are valid, and this sounds super difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through it <3. Here's the thing: You are right. There are some things going on in your house that aren't okay. But the reality is, your mom doesn't seem to be willing to hear your opinion about changing them. SO, where do you go from here?

I think the two major things I've had to learn with my (very similar) mother is:

Set boundaries and stick to them. If she's dumping on you and you can't handle it, tell her it's not okay. Keep politely telling her this. There is NOTHING WRONG with doing this, even if she tells you otherwise.

Take what you can get, but don't get your hopes up. Does she want to take you out to lunch? Great. She wants to hang out after school? Awesome. But don't...rely on her to be more than she is.

If you're able to do these two things in a healthy way, this might be your best bet until you turn of age and you're able to reevaluate if you want a long-term relationship or not. But honestly, if you're financially dependent on her, separating from her completely might not be the best idea if you are safe.

The ONLY thing that makes me nervous about this whole situation is your mention of your mom's suicidal thoughts, so I'll leave you with this:

if your mom is scaring you with the way she is talking, call the authorities. You are a minor, and you should NEVER have to deal with that on your own.

No matter what happens, no matter WHAT your mom does, no matter what you do or don't say/do or don't do, your mother's decisions are her own. Nothing she does is your fault.

If you feel comfortable, please DM me! I'm being genuine when I say our moms sound similar, and I would love to talk more <3

P.s. I just want to say that, you are SO smart, as a teenager, to realize that this behavior is not okay. Good for you <3

#ask #asks #ask cas #tw sui ideation

[seafoamchild]

it's been a very intense couple of weeks. i went to gran's funeral on Sunday. I didn't really feel much about her dying until I was at the funeral, looking at pictures of her and hearing about her life. I was a bit overcome with emotion. I cried, and I never cry. I will miss her.

it was nice to see my extended family but hard to be with my parents. I absolutely hate being with both of them at the same time. it triggers me SO much, I instantly shut down. the constant anxiety about everything. the way EVERYTHING becomes about my dad's emotions.

I've had this epiphany that my dad almost CERTAINLY has bpd. like textbook symptoms. uncontrollable rage. insanely unregulated emotions. blaming everyone else for his feelings. fear of abandonment. intense, consuming anxiety. inability to be alone. seeing everyone as either good or bad.

I've always known he was not normal, but it feels so very validating to learn that he almost certainly has a personality disorder. it makes me sad and angry. I had a very traumatic childhood. my family dynamic was all fucked up. quite frankly it was abusive. my dad would explode with anger over the dumbest shit. we were constantly walking on eggshells. I remember my mom bending over backwards to make/keep him happy. making sure everything was perfect for when he got home, even going so far as telling us to be ready to smile and excitedly greet him when he walked through the door. on one hand I get it, she was scared of him and wanted to prevent a possible rage episode. but it taught me that my dad's emotions were my responsibility, if he blew up, it was my fault, that it was up to me to not set him off. it was extremely damaging.

I totally shut down because of my dad's abuse. and to this day, I continue to immediately shut down whenever I'm with my parents. they don't know the real me. they only know my protective shell. I think they truly have no idea how much pain they inflicted upon me. I showed signs of being emotionally abused throughout childhood... super withdrawn, lack of self esteem, poor social skills, aggressive towards animals. it got even worse during adolescence and I was always made to feel that I was bad. that I was the problem. my brother was also very cruel to me, which I think was his way of coping with our chaotic home life. everyone in my immediate family was banded against me, it seemed. I felt so alone, so withdrawn, so so so bad about myself. and my dad continued being an off and on piece of shit, without a single apology to anyone ever. to this day it continues. I think he is literally incapable of changing.

I have been realizing that none of this has been all in my head. it is real. I did not get the childhood I deserved. I was raised in an emotionally abusive environment. I did not feel safe in my home. and I have suffered for years from poor self esteem, self loathing, disordered eating, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. there is a reason for all of this. and it's not because I'm a bad person.

I am really trying to navigate how to make peace with myself. and how to make peace with the fact that I cannot change my dad and I cannot fix him. my life is up to me now. it's just a whole lot to process.

#journal

[vanadisvalentine]

RWBY Volume 9 Episode 10: Of Solitude and Self

i have thoughts. here are some of those thoughts.

I am going...to try and keep this in chronological order, but it's midnight, and I tend to ramble the longer I've been awake. So bear with me.

First off, okay, so we're definitely going to get details of exactly what happened with Summer later down the line. Presumably, she, Raven, and Qrow ('cause who else would Raven have portaled too yanno), along with maybe some others who knows, went on the offensive vs Mommy Salami and things didn't work out. If that's the case, boy does that color Qrow's character even further. It's no wonder he used to stay far away from the people he cares about. Also wow Raven nice to see you again, been a couple of volumes.

I'm glad that Rubes got to have a sort of posthumous pep-talk from her mother, even if it's something as simple as "I love you the way you are". I appreciate that she didn't need to be talk-no-jutsu'd into getting the theme of the volume, but rather it's a conclusion she came to herself. After a whole volume of seeing her all morose and depressed, it put the biggest smile on my face to see her finally accept that she is Ruby Rose, and that's all she's ever needed to be.

On a less profound note

WHOOOO RED LIKE ROSES PART III FUCK YEAH BABY THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. Whoever animated that first little sequence of Ruby going ham on the cat with Crescent Rose? I want to kiss you. You deserve the world. Brings me right back to volume 1. (Was it Arryn? I feel like it was Arryn considering how much they love Soul Eater but I can't remember if they've done any combat sequences aaaah)

The Cat got the shit kicked out of them in a great team fight. Doing a whole ass 5 v 1, even with someone as formidable as the CC in the fray, couldn't have been easy to choreograph, so props to the whole team on that one for making it feel sick. The Cat is a bit of a more tragic character in retrospect with the tale the Blacksmith told (also--the Ever After is the primordial world? The Brothers didn't make it? Shit, color me surprised), but at the same time...yeah RIP Bozo.

'Twas curiosity that killed the cat or something like that idk

The fuckin piano reprise of This Will Be the Day oh my GOOOOOD. Chills. The music in this volume has been absolutely phenomenal. Of course there are the vocal tracks, but the score??? Martin Gonzalez you beautiful man. Bless your heart, bless your body, bless your soul.

Neo. Neo Neo Neo. Neopolitan, baby girl...I'm gonna miss you, as I'm sure a lot of people will. Even the people who hate this show like you because you're just so much fun. I remember back in the day when I was a kid and unironically used the word waifu to describe female characters I was fixated on, you were my precious little Ice Cream Wife and I would burn the world for you. It's so weird thinking about your origins as a character (Inspired by a genderbent Torchwick cosplay, Monty threw you in at the last second in order to not have to animate Torchwick escaping...though I'm sure there's more to it than that), to how you've progressed, to where you are now. This is the last we're gonna get of you for now, I'm sure. But at the same time, I can totally see you showing up for the final fight vs Salem or Cinder or whoever to get your licks in. You were a welcome addition this volume, even if you DID drive Ruby to drink the Bad Tea. It's hard to hate you when you're so fucking cute.

I am...not going to pretend to not be a little disappointed that Boomer Jaune was but a temporary thing. When The Blacksmith was talking about Alyx fixing what she'd broken, I was expecting like, idk, his sword to be repaired, but I quickly realized that she wasn't even the one who did that, and then I was like "oh no" and before I knew it, BAM back at it again with the yee-yee ass haircut. At least next volume comes with new designs so we won't have to deal with that any longer. I appreciate the streaks of grey, symbolizing that it's not like he's regressed in any way, but...Jauney Boy, get that wolf's tail back. You rocked that shit.

That's all I can bring myself to write down for now. I'm sure I'll be talking about this episode--and this whole volume--for a WHILE. I'm gonna sit on it for a bit, but I think it might take volume 6's spot for my favorite of the bunch, which is impressive because volume 6 is hella good y'all. Thank you so much to the crew (GOD I hope certain people who worked on this volume return for the next one, I could feel the love they have for the craft and for this show and I've adored getting to see their thoughts on each episode as it aired these past few weeks) and everyone involved in bringing to us. It's been rough lately, that's for sure, but I mean it when I say that RWBY is one of my favorite shows out there, and I wish nothing but the best for its future and the future of everyone who brought it to life.

now I wait probably about a year or so to see Nora/Ren/Sun's reaction to Blake and Yang finally getting together. Until then, I will drown myself in fanfiction.

#rwby9 #rwby #rwby spoilers #I didn't cry! #but I did tear up a little bit #listen to Ok Goodnight btw their music is a bop 'cause Casey learned from the best

[brightbeautifulthings]

A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares by Krystal Sutherland

"'Point is, you gotta be scared. Fear protects you. You gotta be scared right down to your bones'--he touched his fingertips to her collarbone--'for bravery to mean anything.' Esther looked over at him. 'What if I die?' 'What if you live?'"

Year Read: 2023

Rating: 4/5

About: Esther's family is cursed. Each member of her family has one great fear that will eventually kill them. For her mother, it's bad luck. For her father, who hasn't left the basement in years, it's open spaces. Her twin brother, Eugene, is so afraid of the dark and the monsters he sees in it, that he white-knuckles it through every night. Esther hasn't identified her phobia yet, but she's compiled a semi-definitive list of worst nightmares and simply avoids them all. If she never knows her fear, then it can't kill her. Then, her childhood crush, Jonah, resurfaces and encourages her to face the fears on her list, one by one, in order to break the curse. Spoilers will be clearly marked. Trigger warnings: death, suicide attempt, suicidal ideation, self-harm/cutting, war, drowning, severe illness, stroke, untreated mental illness, depression, agoraphobia, many many many phobias, including a hideous spider on the inside cover page that I kept thinking was real.

Thoughts: Ever in awe of Sutherland's writing. This is an expert look at a variety of mental illnesses and the way our destructive behaviors can start to look utterly normal from the inside. While the concepts and writing are gorgeous, and I'm in love with the way she describes things, it's very much not for the faint of heart. Beware a lot of triggering content, and triggers aside, it's still a very emotionally heavy novel--as any serious novel about mental illness would have to be. I found myself having to read something lighter alongside it to get through. I'm not sure it's the kind of thing I'll have the heart to return to, but the characters will live on inside my head.

Esther is such a complicated main character, at times broken and brave, quirky and unlikable, insightful and flawed. I've never met another like her, and I doubt I ever will. Jonah is a bit flatter, but we know how I am about love interests. Their relationship has its own complications, and I typically enjoy couples working through their issues over being cute and happy together. I'm in love with Esther's twin brother, Eugene, so fragile that he's constantly described with ghostlike qualities-- I wasn't even positive for much of the book that he was actually there. I also loved the subplot about Death, and that turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the book.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS. TURN BACK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

There's a very specific bait and switch in this novel that I hate, and that's in promising magical elements that turn out not to exist. It's almost a pet peeve in fiction, so that even while I understand the book had to be written this way, I still lowkey hate that it is. While Esther slowly comes to the realization that the curse isn't real, the reader comes to that conclusion along with her. It's expertly done, and it makes the message that much more powerful, so much so that it's hard to imagine it going another way (despite my love for actual magic). It's so much easier to believe a curse is the root of all our problems, rather than a very real illness that will have to be managed for a lifetime. The middle-end of this novel is just so fucking sad, but it ultimately ends on hopeful notes that healing and connection are possible.

#book review #krystal sutherland #a semi-definitive list of worst nightmares #ya paranormal #ya contemporary #4/5 #rating: 4/5 #2023

[sparrowlovesskittles]

So I read the Sky preview and I'm... Disappointed, I guess?

The catmint problem is. Predictable, I suppose? It has the potential to be interesting but when has greencough ever actually been interesting?

I don't have a problem with Sunbeam's chapter. It's fine. Still a bit boring, but fine.

Also I hope Rowankit dies because I don't like him because I'm still mad they wouldn't let him be a grey she-cat (ik some people hc him as trans and that's fine and cool but I just find it so boring that they're a Rowanstar clone now). Yes Tigerstar and Dovewing are one of my favourite canon ships. Yes I think it's extremely cute that they had a second litter. But YES I am mad about Rowankit.

Nightheart's chapter is... Weird. I'm glad he's happy with his name, but everyone else is SO pissed and for what? Finchlight literally stood up for him when he wanted to change his name. She encouraged it. And now she's acting like it's some sort of big betrayal he went behind her back about? I mean, what?! I really get what people mean when they say he's trans coded now, though. Myrtlebloom telling him he can 'still change his mind' is. Yikes!

I LIKE Nightheart and his unreliable narration. I like him thinking every problem he has is huge and that his life is SO hard, I like him going 'I'm not spoiled! I've never been spoiled in my life!' But when it comes to his name he is actually so right. I am a Nightheart apologist. Square up literally everyone else in ThunderClan I'm coming to fight you over being passive-aggressive to my boy Nightheart just for changing his name.

Frostpaw my beloved! I am so sorry.

I know a lot of people don't like it but I actually kind of enjoy the direction they've been taking with Mothwing's character lately. She's older now, she's lost so much, and she's hardened. Sometimes I think she's afraid to get close to new people now, she's lost everyone she was close with. Tadpole, Sasha, Hawkfrost... Just recently, Leafpool died, Willowshine died, Mistystar died, all in a row, and even Jayfeather has kind of turned against her- all cats she was very good friends with. And she's become more sharp around the edges, more gruff, far less friendly. I do wonder if she's just trying to avoid getting hurt again.

THAT SAID Mothwing is my #1 favourite warrior cat and I know that she's stressed but her going 'You just watched your mother die in front of you and you're depressed as fuck but I'm getting sick of organising patrols so you have to stop being depressed' Is so AAAAKAJDJKSJDJD. MOTHWING I'm going to punch you in the face.

Quick side note, why did she jump straight to Willowshine instead of mentioning that she lost her brother? Is it because she has mixed feelings over Hawkfrost's death? Or is it because Willowshine is more fresh in her mind? Surely she'd say Mistystar instead if that were the case. Does Frostpaw just remind her of Willowshine?

A few predictions:

Frecklewish dies. Literally everyone is coming to SkyClan for catmint. Fidgetflake doesn't know what to do and gets caught in the middle of all the clans fighting over catmint.

Bramblestar handles the greencough situation poorly and gets overthrown

Just like every other greencough plot ever, everyone is like 'omg this greencough is so devastating what are we going to do!!' then only like 5 cats in total die of greencough and everyone goes 'wow that greencough outbreak was so bad, what a tragedy, so many cats died!'

The writers have forgotten that Frostpaw has something weird going on and just give her a normal connection to StarClan. They also make the green-eyed cat Willowshine

#asc sky #asc spoilers #a starless clan #warriors #warrior cats #nightheart #mothwing #frostpaw #gullswoop #asc #sunbeam

[yearofradicalselfbelief]

Part Two - 10/09/23

CW: discussions of anxiety and depression.

Days after posting my last post, I was struck down with what I’m 90% sure is the new severe variant of everybody’s favourite virus. I’ve had it twice before – the first time I was a bit tired and a bit warm, and that was it. The second time I was a little bit worse, and it turns out the third time is not the charm because this time I genuinely thought I was going to fucking die. I couldn’t sip water without puking it up, which made it worse because not only could I then not take any painkillers to help with the insane fever, I couldn’t take my mental health meds either. Even once there was nothing in my stomach I was still puking, I ended up being able to stomach one meal in three days, and I lost well over five pounds in five days, through sheer inability to keep food down/how much my body was burning through its stores to try and get rid of this thing.

I’ve never been so sick in my fucking life, my brother was the same, and by day four we were like weary soldiers in the trenches, trading war stories and swapping electrolyte tablets and paracetamol for morale. But it wasn’t all bad – she says now that she’s not spending the bulk of her day hunched over a bin – because in the midst of the fever, when I was feeling too dire to sleep but also too dire to do literally anything but curl up on my bed in silence, I was pretty much at the mercy of wherever my mind took me, without any of the layers of stuff we tend to have when we’re awake and alert that self-edits those streams of consciousness based on shit like ego and what we think we should be thinking.

Full disclosure, though, I’m well aware of how *fake deep* this is about to sound, but it’s what my brain gave me as I floated through it.

I saw myself as being made up of three sort of parts – one of those parts being real, and two being things foisted upon me, that I carried around, but weren’t real. The first part, the outermost part, was this sort of anxious, shrinking meek little dormouse that wanted nothing less than to be noticed in any way, shape, or form. That’s who I default to being in most cases – it’s like a security blanket. The next part is one layer below, but it’s no less disingenuous – and that’s a whole lot of bitterness and defensiveness and cynicism. The depression to the first part’s anxiety.

Then, after that, is actually me. The person who just wants to learn everything she can, and do her best, and live. The person who has to fight through those two layers to manage any of that in the first place. It sounds daft writing it down, but it just was a moment of such clarity, and there was a lot of relief in sort of realising that these first two aspects were things that I’d learned, or had been foisted upon me – either directly, by people who are or once were in my life, or indirectly - adopted in response to shit I’ve been through. It doesn’t make them any easier to put down, but there was a relief in that realisation on its own.

The thing is, I’ve always been anxious, and I’ve always been depressed. When I was a kid, I regularly had fainting spells because of it, including one in the middle of a class, long before I’d even first heard the word “anxiety”, much less being aware that it was a formal diagnosis. It took countless doctor visits and blood tests being done before anybody even thought to turn to the possibility that the cause could be mental, and not physical. Even as far as the depression was concerned, by the time I was ten, it wasn’t uncommon for one of my parents to find me lying on my bed, in silence, in the dark, and when they asked me what I was doing I’d simply say that I felt fed up, because I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe something that I should have been much too young to feel.

It's not like they’re new things that I suddenly find myself having to get over. It’s not as if they’re new hurdles. I just don’t remember a time when they didn’t actively stop me from doing things as much as they seem to do now. I don’t remember always being this sort of shy, shrinking, nervous little thing that I suddenly feel like I am now, and I’m not okay with being that person any longer. It’s not me, and I know it’s not me, but it’s a mask I can never quite manage to drop when it automatically slots itself into place, and it’s fucking unbearable.

I’ve always been scared, and I always joke about how many years anxiety has probably taken off of my life at this point, but I used to be so, so much better at acting in spite of that. Even before I finally found a doctor who listened to me and medicated me. Now it feels like I never do act in spite of it, at least not to the extent I’d like to, and it gets the better of me more than I’d like. And then I’m harsher on myself than I once was over that fact.

To an extent, it is understandable. A hell of a lot of shit has happened to me between now and then, and if anything, the way it’s gotten worse is natural. I think few people could’ve gone through what I’ve gone through and handled it as well as I have, even if I’m critical of how well I have handled it based on some pretty unrealistic expectations of myself. But I feel like the more I let it get the better of me, the more I allow it to control me, the more I concede victory to every asshole who contributed to its worsening over the last eight years.

The funny part is, too, I can honestly say that I’m happy all of it happened. Not in a “woo, let’s throw a party about it” way – but in that I’m in a place where I can say I learned from all of it, I can see why it had to happened, and I wouldn’t want to part from a single lesson I learned from it all. It also ended up with me in a much healthier situation than I was once in, in a city that is far better for me than my old one. It could not have worked out better, now that I’m on the other side of it, as far as external factors are concerned.

It's just the internal ones that need addressing. When I moved here, I started exhibiting signs of C-PTSD – which, again, is unsurprising. My last therapist dead ass said to me “you’ve spent your whole life being shoved from trauma to trauma”, and she told me that before she broke the news to me that the one parent I had left in my life was abusive as fuck, and the only reason I hadn’t seen it yet was because the other had been so much more obvious about it that they made the one still around look like a saint in comparison – whereas they were actually more insidious. The homelessness then followed about a year later. So I think I more than fucking earned those symptoms. And I let myself have a year to just breathe and recover and exist without harassing myself to do better and be better and find better. But now I feel like I’ve finally woken up, and it’s time to start moving forward, and finding a way of doing that isn’t as simple as clicking my fingers and letting all of the mental shit vanish.

A goal without a plan is just a dream. I think that’s how the saying goes. I’ve seen it plastered around Instagram enough times, I should probably know for sure by now. Or at least not be too lazy to google it and find out – but I don’t want to mess up my algorithm with that. Next thing you know, the search engine will be recommending Live, Laugh, Love pillows to me. There’s no coming back from that sort of thing.

Anyway, my original point stands. It’s all well and good for me to make a fancy new side blog and decide things are going to magically be different, but sheer force of willpower without actually changing anything won’t do much good, and this little resolution will fizzle out into one of those typical ‘it’s 2am and I’m going to revamp my entire life’ moments.

So I need to decide how I’m going to do that, and next time I post it'll be with the game-plan that I'm working on. I need to decide how I’m going to actually start fucking rooting for myself and believing in myself again. And it’s not going to be easy.

But I deserve it, and it’s going to be worth it.

[mxmasters]

who do u consider closer friends out of the GAW?

ahh, well, "close" is relative. GAW is a lot like family, in that there's lots of people in the mix and you don't really know all of them as much (or as little) as you might want to.

mind you, they're also comrades, so I'd step up and fight for any of 'em. Especially the kids. it's a fucked-up world and they need someone in their corner.

last thing: I have, uh. problems. sharing past events. so I'm scared of getting too close to certain people. you know how it is.

aside from that... wait, am I allowed to be specific?

I don't see a problem with it, so long as we make one thing clear: only a few of these characters are original to the MxTape. Everything else is based on my interpretations of existing works, and the original authors always have the final say.

MxTape Originals, aka Steal These OCs

Doreen Gray (alwaysbpositive): Met her because of my delivery work. She needed some ethically-sourced B+, and I knew some queer people with units to spare. Not like Canadian Blood Services wants it! Homophobes. Anyway we've been friendly ever since. She's got two moods: energetic and depressed. I can relate.

meatgerm: I've crashed on this man's couch twice and still don't know his name. Do NOT eat his cooking! He WILL prank you. Really good fiddle player, though.

Tanya Miller (twilight_tone): Extremely close! We are partners! Sometimes we even dream together.

Louis (WHEREISMYHOG): never met IRL but he's got some wild stories and a solid understanding of magical theory.

Penelope Gore (whistl_stahp): yo we've talked about this.

MxTape Guests, aka Upcoming Attractions

Desmond Callaghan (gothicalfallacy): really, really cool! Hand member. Fellow Jojo appreciator. Probably the only person I know who understands theory better than WHEREISMYHOG. Go-to-guy for questions. Too bad he's only available, like, half the time.

Judith Feingold (thisisstupid12345): Desmond's sister; also a Hand member. Barely involved with GAW, but she kept logging into her brother's account and bones said that was against the rules, so here we are. Not magical, but very, very keen on guns, so she mostly talks with _FuddruckeR_.

GAW Members, aka "Janitors call us PoIs"

bones: we got to talking after the whole "terrestrial years" thing, and as it turns out... it's not doing a bit! an actual alien satellite. That sorta blew my mind. bones is a bit short and perfunctory sometimes but I think it's just doing the absolute best it can with people it doesn't entirely understand, which... same, tbh?

acuterobot: adorable. following her tumblr blog got me in some trouble, but I don't hold that against her.

polaricecraps: ehhh complicated. I see a lot of myself in PIC, but he's smarter than I was at his age and that cuts both ways. He's in it for the right reasons but speaking from experience, that's a great way to shoot yourself in the foot. He also lost my fucking TAPE but I puked in his van a while back so we're calling it even.

Andressa (gaycopmp4) and Dahlia (hetcopogg): literally the cutest couple I've ever seen. Fierce, passionate, committed to justice... and, uh, their kid? pretty sure Heather (Ms. Mad About Video Games) counts as their daughter. I send them tons of care packages with how-to books and chill retro games.

Armand (harmpit): extremely funny, lots of cool tricks, really difficult to understand in conversation. Marginally easier in text.

kkrule and kektagon: drive me ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE. They're basking in the low-grade background radiation of the Internet and they're going to get emotional cancer. I've been there and I desperately want to help steer them out of it but GOD DAMN they are insufferable.

opossum: even worse. Probably the single most abrasive person I've ever met. Always arguing. Banned multiple times but never perma'd.

FreakyGhostBed: doesn't get out much, so I installed a media server in his family's basement so he can keep busy while they're asleep. we've hung out a few times since then. we mostly talk about movies.

_FuddruckeR_ and orbhorse: live and work on a ranch in the Southern States. Fantastic hosts, so long as you can tolerate Fudd plinking at targets all day.

CommunismAnarchismNihilism: incredible source for zines and materiel, a decent percentage of which have some kind of juice to them. We trade stuff. we also argue a lot (politics) but that's all in good fun (I think?)

fallout_meta.txt: escaped some real nasty characters to become a better person. I respect that, and I respect their top-tier opsec, because I don't know a single thing about them besides what's necessary.

FunkoPopFan1: not very active in the chat (super shy), but extremely resourceful, good at manipulating plastics, and passionate about her hobbies. Sadly one of those hobbies is collecting funko pops.

tabris, hybridRainbow, starspark, chokerless and bluefootedboobies: I would ride or die for all these kids.

And finally, The Big Three.

Esther Kogan (lesbian_gengar): friendly in the chat but we haven't met in person, bc she has deep ties in Three Ports and maybe she heard something about my fuckup back in 2008. On the other hand... remember what I said about having a type? The type who could kick my ass? Well, LG could definitely do that. In fact she could probably fry my brain. Yow!

JJ (jockjamsvol6): this dude defies description. I mean yes, he's hot, and he's chill, but the second he walks into a room... you know you're in for some shit. JJ is always EXACTLY where he's supposed to be, and as a genre-savvy person, that is TERRIFYING, because the narrative flows AROUND HIM. It's like watching someone waltz through a hurricane; it's cool, but not super safe for whoever stands around gawking.

And lastly... Jude Kriyot (bluntfiend). The man, the myth, the legend. The guy who walked away from AWCY and lived to tell the tale. (Or lie about it, at least.)

This is where things get really difficult for me, cuz... well, I'm an anarchist. The idea of following any one guy doesn't appeal to me. BUT! there is no GAW without Jude, and once you meet him, you can understand why. He's got something special. Not confidence or charisma or whatever (he's actually a clumsy dork), but heart and integrity, for sure. He believes in humanity. He believes in something good, and when you're hanging out, you want to believe in it too.

That said, he's also a fucking mess. I'm not judging (I'm a mess too), but on some level, I like to think I'm getting my shit together. Jude is more like... uh, a shonen protagonist between story arcs. You know? He just sorta stews in his own funk. Depressed. Off in his own little world. Like Johnny Joestar, before meeting Gyro. There's only one person who can reliably shake him out of it, and... well, it's not me.

I admire Jude. I really do. I want to trust him with my secrets, but I can't, because he doesn't trust me with his. That's... fair. Trust is hard to earn. It's easier to lie. But when the chips are down, I've got Jude's back. I hope he'd do the same for me.

#ask #anonymous #steakshift #gamers against weed

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e12 stuck in the middle (with you) (w. davy perez)

unfortunate that that song has forever been associated with that reservoir dogs scene in my brain

not sure why this scene reminds me of the movie diner (1982), paul reiser on the brain and a group i guess

DEAN [leaning across the table to talk to Cas] Oh, dude, she is into you. WALLY Mm hmm. MARY Dean… DEAN No, this is good. We’ve been looking for teachable moments. This…

i dunno why i have such a bad attitude about the show right now. partially attributable to my overall depressed ennui situation.

ok so is this scene a reference to reservoir dogs? i recently saw the madonna discussion roundtable diner scene thing from the beginning of the movie (haven't seen in 20+ years) and oof. i didn't particularly enjoy the movie when i saw it originally and my feelings have not improved

job going sideways and bloody, set to an old song, certainly tracks with tarantino. it was a good scene, they say staring dispassionately. cas is leaking

and the title cards and jumping around in time. okay. guess we're really going there

s12e12 / s2e17 heart

ahh how things have changed/not changed (incl my screenshotting habits).

s12e12 / s1e22 / s2e1

well that sound effect when he flashes his eyes is a blast from the past. had to go find out if they did in fact use it for azazel way back when and look at that, yes. i associate it with the title screens more - so i included that too. giving my brain a little pat on the head. *rawr*

very drama, very nice shot. is that the spear of destiny? i thought that was at the bunker. did they do anything with it? can't remember. (lalala the blog search OF COURSE didn't return that post when i searched for destiny. or spear. fucking tumblr fix your shit i'm begging you)

s8e17 / s12e12 / constantine (2005)

WALLY I-I just mean, I-I heard the sales pitch– money, gear. It all sound swell, but someone walks up to you and offers you something that sounds a little too good to be true? I wonder, what’s the catch? MARY Since I’ve been working with them, we’ve taken out more than a dozen vamp nests, four werewolf packs, and a ghoul who was eating his way through Arlington. We saved a lot of people. WALLY Right. So you do trust them.

one way to deal with the american hunter problem i guess, earn the trust and turn them into cannon fodder

WALLY You meet them fancy Men of Letters? SAM British Men of Letters? DEAN Yeah, they got gear, but, uh, you know they tried to kill my brother.

reminds me a bit of how sam is willing to stow baggage for practical reasons, mary willing to work with them if it's for the greater good

from s9e22 stairway to heaven DEAN And the last time you had this kind of juice, you did kill humans and angels, and you did nothing but lie to me and Sam about it the whole damn time! SAM Can we, uh -- can we take this somewhere else, guys? Will you stow the baggage, Dean. Look, we've got a case. Let's work it. Cas, did you know the angel in that video?

--

SAM Wait, Mom? Uh… I just wanted to make sure that, um… you’re okay. I mean, I know… you never really wanted this. MARY Since when is life about getting what you want?

kind of a throwaway comment but also hits a little too close to home

s12e12 / s4e22

thought it might be the same painting as what was in that little fancy jail zachariah put him in during 4x22 but no, different spearing

really, show. i feel like they've done this pulp fiction sight gag before?

s5e14 my bloody valentine

lol they did, it was a soul in the briefcase

mary gonna own up to all this?

CROWLEY Your friend was stupid. You’re all… Do you know what you’ve done? Does the name Ramiel mean anything to you? SAM, DEAN, AND MARY: No. CASTIEL Yes. SAM What? CASTIEL Ramiel, Prince of Hell.

this is me throwing my hands in the air. sure, why not! never mentioned before but hey another harder-than-usual to kill baddie. did we know azazel was ... a prince of hell? also chuckled that when searching for prince you do get the canon discrepancies page about the inconsistent effect the demon knife has on various ranks of demons

and more pulp fiction, polishing a pocket watch for no reason

the lance of michael, i see. so this is six years ago crowley gives it to this prince dude, which would be s6? after michael was tucked away in the cage, he snagged it? and we're gonna retcon in some explanation of how crowley ended up with the king of hell job while multiple members of royalty were out and about

CROWLEY I don’t have friends. I make deals with those I can use. Every kingdom needs allies, even Hell. RAMIEL Allies. Is that what you call three humans with one good liver between them and a busted up angel?

snorted but also, mary got an alcohol problem too? unless sam's doin it on the side

CROWLEY I admit they don’t sound like much. But every Armageddon, every bloody, “this is the end of all things,” a Winchester stopped it. Like it or not, they’re an asset we can’t afford to lose.

crowley selling it well (but also, facts. they might start the armageddon, but they will also stop it)

CASTIEL No, you listen to me. You– Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it… it’s been the best part of my life. And the things that… [inhales sharply] the things we’ve shared together, they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you. Just please… please, don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can.

oh now cas gets a dramatic deathbed goodbye that won't stick

DEAN Cas, no. CASTIEL Yes. You need to keep fighting. SAM We are fighting. We’re fighting for you, Cas. DEAN And like you said, you’re family. And we don’t leave family behind.

admit i giggled at sam's like, it was a little too cheesy earnest. and tried to not giggle at dean's line. it's just too much! the music, the delivery. rousing

so mary is so committed to keeping whatever she stole from him, she's willing to role the dice and fight him? maybe that was the plan anyway. too tired to think this through :p

and crowley gets to save the (cas) day by figuring out the cure is breaking the spear of destiny the lance of michael, ok

conveniently, mary gets a pass on having to explain stealing the thing. god i do not like the homage to tarantino movie music either, what a surprise.

MARY That’s not good enough. I lost a friend. I almost lost one of my boys. KETCH And we apologize– MARY Shut up. Anything like that happens again– anything– and I will burn you down. All of you. KETCH Is that a threat? MARY It’s a promise.

has mary adopted cas too? and i like mary staring down this asshat like a boss

the colt???? oookay.

i know that voice, is it my true lucifer love mark pellegrino??? he's so much better at being creepy

LUCIFER [laughing] Ah. I know that look. Sam and Dean have got you down. Well, I still can’t believe that you’re working for the Dukes of Haphazard. Do you really think they care about you? I mean, think about it, Crowley. They kill your kind. It’s in their blood. And you know… you know… it’s only a matter of time before they come… [singsongy] for you.

dukes of haphazard lol

so they had to keep him in some elaborate cage in hell before, but now he's trapped in some little kennel in the topside "palace"?

this episode might be a record. took 2 days to get through it and probably 4 hours total. too much shit i felt the need to comment on or needed to look something up for. for the literally zero people that will ever read it. wait no, 1 person! i will read it and reference it

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 12x12 #blood #davy perez #spn clip #spn 1x22 #spn 2x01 #spn musical score #spn demon growl #christopher lennertz

[avengersassemble123]

||CHAPTER 16||

NOTE: DARK CONTENT, CONTAINS VIOLENCE, GORE, BLOOD, LOTS OF BLOOD AND GORE, CURSING, TARGETING, INSULTS, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH(S), ANGST, LOTS OF ANGST, IMPLYING OF SELF SACRIFICE, SUICIDAL THOUGHT, SUICIDE, BASED ON THE SERIES: ALL OF US ARE DEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour had passed.

Y/N was seated beside Kyojuro at the corner of the room, bothe of their legs extended on the table.

"I wonder if things are okay outside."

"You're dad's a firefighter. So I am sure he's okay."

Y/N gaze turned towards the fiery haired boy, who looked at her reassuringly, but the next second she could see his eyes cast low, "My parents and little brother should be at the dojo. That's the most important thing to my dad. He might be teaching swordsmanship to zombies right now." Kyojuro scoffed sadly.

"I wish I could meet your family right now." Y/N spoke up, "especially your mother. I've always heard good things about your family from Tanjiro." to which Kyojuro chuckles, "Oh they would love to meet you too. My mother would have prepared some delicious Tai no shioyaki and sweet potatoes, while my brother played with you. My father would converse with you some general news topics. Typical fun family I would say." Y/N smiled, imagining the scenario, "Fun family indeed. If you met my family, then they would literally take you in. You would be the typical golden boy for them." At this Kyojuro chuckled, making the atmosphere around the two, a tiny bit bearable for the youngsters at the moment.

A few moments of silence passed before the boy spoke, "Then lets do it...Once this is all over, and we get out of here. "

---------

All the kids sat across the room, silence filling the air.

"I didn't hear anything.." Zenitsu spoke up, making everyone's gazes turn towards him, "I couldn't hear anything."

"Like what?" Tanjiro asked.

"After Yuriko went out..and Ms.Ren went out after her...I didn't hear anything after that."

"You mean, screaming?" Genya questioned, making the blonde nod a 'yes'.

"Maybe they didn't die, then." Nezuko remarked.

"They wouldn't have been quiet if zombies were biting them.." Tengen continued staring forward in realization, "They must be alive."

Silence was once again filled in the room, the aura of depression surrounding everyone. "Huh," Tengen scoffed slightly, "No one's responding..I'm always talking to myself.." he delivered, as he continued playing with bis uniform tie.

"I think you're right." Mitsuri started

"Forget it." Tengen scoffed.

"I didn't hear anything either." Mitusri continued,"I was scared because i didn't know how to feel if i heard them screaming," she said as she played with one of her braids, "but I didn't hear anything."

"Come to think of it, neither did I." Iguro replied back.

"Then I'm right. They're alive, right?" Tengen asked, to which Iguro nodded.

"Should she be?"Aoi spoke out. "What do you mean?" Iguro asked, "She's a murderer. She killed Makomo and walked out on her own. Is it right for her to be alive? Aren't you all being pretentious?"

"What about Ms. Ren?" Muichiro interrupted, "Should she have died too?"

"Is that our fault?" Aoi retorted. "Regardless, it happened because of us." Muichiro answered back. "What?" Aoi spoke up, "What did we do? Yuriko killed someone and played the victim and left on her own. Because we didn't listen to her? If no one's on your side, is it okay to kill? Ms. Ren talked as if we were in the wrong." Aoi shook her head staring down towards the floor, her fists clenching, "We didn't tell Yuriko to go out there. We didn't tell Ms.Ren to go out there either. Why should we feel bad?" The blue eyed girl's knees gave out, crashing towards the floor, tears flowing out of her eyes, "Fuck, where did we go wrong?" Kanao knelled beside the girl, holding her by the shoulders. A pin drop silence could be heard as everyone were in their own daze.

"Hey." Inosuke spoke up, breaking the silence, "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say this-" "Then don't say it." Zenitsu replied, pushing him slightly back by the arm. Inosuke groaned, looking everywhere in the room and towards the ceiling,  moving his body to and fro, before blabbering out, "Doesn't anyone else need to go to the bathroom?"

Everyone looked at each other, blank and confused. "Is it just me?" Inosuke spoke up. Tengen slowly raised his hand hesitantly, befor speaking out meekly "Me too." "We have to go too." Y/N spoke up. "But we can't go out." Iguro tsked, playing with a bottle of deodorant, before laying his head on the table.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"See? I told you no one would come." Akari remarked, as they both leaned against the rooftop edge, "No one cares about this school. If they did they would've saved us sooner. Would've saved us from being bullied. Akari sighed before sitting down with her legs crossed, Aito following suit. Akari tilted her head, looking towards the boy, "I wish the school would burn...so that nothing remains.."

"They'll come and save us." Aito said, "They have to..Otherwise..I don't know.I hope the fire really does break out and kills everyone." 

"Right?" Akari spoke up, "You want to die too, right?"

Aito looked at Akari, his eyes searching her face before replying, "No. I know you actually want to live.I know that you're...dying to live."

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"Why are you blaming me? Inosuke was the one who brought it up. Its not a crime to need to poop." Tengen defended.

"Its not a crime but-" "But what? Don't you need to go too?" "Yes, I do. But I don't need to poop." Tengen and Giyuu argued, while others watched, some groaning in between. "Sabito, what about you?" Tengen pointed. Sabito straightened at the question, brows raised," uhh I don't need to poop either." The white haired male looked in the other direction, towards the Y/H haired female, "Don't you need to go?" Y/N stuttered, embarrassment filling in, "Why are you asking me??" "Why are you snapping at me?" Tengen defended. "What are we supposed to do? We can't go out anyway.." The girl continued. Tengen let out a deep breath frustratingly, before getting up, "I have a good idea." He walked towards the window, "First, boys and girls will take turns." "Where?" Zenitsu asked, confused, "Here" Tengen replied, pointing towards the open window. "He's lost his goddamn mind." Zenitsu exclaimed. "Cut it out." Iguro remarked, his fingers rubbing his forehead. "Why? Girls can wait in the recording room and the guys can pee out of the window." He continued. "What about poop?" Inosuke questioned. "Poop. Well," Tengen nodded, looking out of the window, trying to figure out, "You can pull down your pants and hang out of the window. Like this." Tengen said climbing onto the window sill and and demonstrating. "See? Outside. Like you're taking a dump at the edge of the cliff."

Everyone stared at Tengen for almost a minute. "What the fuck kinda reaction is this man hoping for?" Genya exclaimed exasperatedly. "Stop being ridiculous." Giyuu groaned.

 "But someone has to hold you or you'd fall." Tengen continued, half kneeling to explain his point.

 "Oh yea? And how will you wipe?" Iguro questioned sarcastically.

"We can wipe each other." Tengen answered as if it was a no-brainer.

"What the fuck is he saying?" Sabito questioned, genuinely horrified.

"What a nutjub." Muichiro groaned.

"Lets just hold it in." Tanjiro spoke up, "If the rescuers come-"

"It'll take a while for them to come." Kyojuro interrupted, "It may be the same outside of the school."

"Kyojuro's right." Y/N supported, "We don't know how long we'll be here, but my dad said you have to seperate the bathroom from where you sleep if you're ever isolated."

"Where can we make a bathroom and how?" Nezuko questioned.

"Over there." Y/N pointed towards the recording room.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yes, sir." Hisashi spoke in the phone as he entered the room where the other members were present. "They're sending a chopper. We have to get to the roof by 11 AM tomorrow." He announced.

"Wait," Hantengu spoke up, "Go up to the roof? When the infected are everywhere? Also, tomorrow at 11 AM? Not 11 PM tonight?"

"Yes, tomorrow. You'll have to spend the night here." Hisashi replied with a stern face. Hantengu had a look of disbelief, shaking his head," How can Mr. Ubayashiki sleep here? Radio in again." Hisashi let out a sigh before facing others, "We'll have to stay here tonight, so we'll create a temporary bathroom. Kanae, Gyomei," "Yes, sir" Both of the interns replied, stepping forward. They both walked towards the next room, leaving Hantengu looking at them bothorsomely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Kanae and you guys look for something to cover the windows." Y/n explained to part of the group, "Meanwhile, Kyojuro, Giyuu and Sabito can make something that can absorb urine and faeces to use as a toilet." The boys nodded, "The rest of you can make a screen." "A screen?" Genya questioned, "To block the view." making the rest of the guy nod. Everyone then went to work their roles, finding materials from the rooms.

Kyojuro smacked Tengen's head, which was laying on the table. "Come with me." Y/N said, pulling him, "The bathroom's over there." Tengen pointed towards the window, going back to laying his head down, before Y/N forcefully pulled his shirt, making hims sit up straight, leading to the white haired boy groan.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hisashi started tearing and cutting through a part of a sofa, whoch was made of cotton and fabric.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why don't we put this in the box?" Sabito said.

"Oh yeaa" Okay" Giyuu and Kyojuro nodded.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay we'll use this as a toilet as it will absorb urine and faeces." Hisashi announced, pointing towards the emergency toilet made by a bunch of cushions. All the members, including Hantengu groaned, except Ubayashiki who shrugged, leaning by the door.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Put this there too." Kyojuro said handing over a neck pillow to Giyuu, "Why?" he questioned. "Tengen's butt is so big, so let's..." Kyojuro explained, making Giyuu look to a shrugging Sabito, before scoffing and setting the pillow in too.

"Why don't we set up CDs' here too?" Nezuko asked, making the other nod a 'yes' too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Kanae and Gyomei moved few cupboards to further block and surround the view of the makeshift toilet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Genya and Inosuke moved few cupboards to block the view of the toilet their seniors had made.

"Have they made the toilet yet?" Tengen asked annoyingly, looking at the trio responsible for it, "Whats taking them so long." He groaned, bending down to hold in his emergency.

-------

Kyojuro set the makeshift toilet between the space made, surrounded by cupboards. "How can we poop on this?" Tengen asked, "Use the cover that is the pillow for poop and remove it to pee."

"Get out." Inosuke spoke up. "What?" Tanjiro questioned as he was standing beside the blue haired male. "Oh." Kyojuro's eyes widened in realization as he stood up and walked out, while Inosuke pulled Zenitsu, pushing him outside the area, 'How do we use that?" Zenitsu whined, still not understanding, "Get out!" Inosuke exclaimed as he unzipped his pants, while the others rushed out of the room.

Safe to say, the boy felt relief. (I know what yall thinking. STOP)

------

Genya waited outside the room, waiting for his turn.

"At least there are cops and soldiers out there are cops and soldiers out there." Nezuko commented. "But in the movies, even the cops and soldiers are helpless too." Muichiro replied, "Still, they always save people in the end."

Tengen got out of the room, making Genya perk up, "Take the toilet paper." Tengen said, "I need to pee." Genya replied, rushing in the room, making Tengen shrug.

Tanjiro made a disgusted expression due to the scent in the room, while Iguro groaned, blocking his nose, "Damn it. Just stay inside." Others groaned, fanning their hands to vanish the scent. "Does it smell?" Tengen questioned. Genya burst out of the door, face pale, veins popping, and stumbling, "Shit." he cursed as he slammed the door shut. "Stop overreacting. It doesn't smell." Tengen retorted. "Sit somewhere else." Muichiro pointed. Genya stood by the window, taking in deep breaths and letting the disgusting aroma of his nasal organ.

"There's nobody out there. There are no lights on in the stores and apartments. They all either fled or died." Kanao spoke as the group sat in a circle. "What are you saying?" Y/N asked. "I'm saying no one will come to save us." "Don't be so pessimistic." Aoi said.

"Don't you know my mom? She would've torn the school apart, looking for me and my sister, but she isn't here yet."

"What do you want to do?" Mitsuri asked,

 "I'm just pointing out the facts." Kanao replied.

"We all know no one's coming." Iguro replied, "Lets discuss what we're going to do."

 "We have to wait to be rescued." Giyuu spoke up, "We shouldn't leave safety and go somewhere dangerous."

 "What if no one ever comes?" Kanao meekly said. Giyuu turned to meet her face, "We haven't waited that long yet."

 "Then how much longer? Do you want to wait until we die?"

"No. I'm saying we wait for as long as we can. We can't go out right now anyway."

"Its probably because its nighttime." Tanjiro spoke up, "I'm sure somebody will come in the morning. There are a lot of choppers flying around. Lets wait until the morning."

Everyone sat in silence, agreeing to the red brunette's statement.

Genya took an audible deep breath, before covering his mouth with bis shirt and marching towards the recording room.

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AND THE NEW CHAPTER DROPSSSSSS

HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS CHAPTER!!

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT YALL HAVE SHOWNN!! THANK YOUUU!!

#kimetsu no yaiba x reader #kimetsu no yaiba x reader zombie apocalypse #kny genya x reader #kny giyuu x reader #kny inosuke x reader #kny muichiro x reader #kny nezuko x reader #kny rengoku x reader #knyshinobuxreader #kny tanjiro x reader #kny tomioka x reader #kny x reader #kny x readerhighschoolau #kny x readermodernau #kny x readerzombieapocalypse #kny yuichiro x reader #kny zenitsu x reader #zombie #zombie apocalypse #zombie outbreak #zombies #zombie survival #all of us are dead au #Dead or Alive?

[hykuluv512]

Seven years after making a choice that cost him his lifelong friends, Akaashi Keiji is a lonely artist with only one friend to his name. An unexpected opportunity presents itself, leading him back to his brothers and giving him the courage to open his heart. When the guarded artist meets Yamaguchi Tadashi, a brilliant grad student who is so different from himself, he doesn't know what hit him. Yamaguchi is adventurous, someone who attracts friends easily, and lives to the fullest. All Akaashi knows is he doesn't ever want it to end. But you don't always get what you want and even if you do, it'll cost you.

Wattpad: They Can't Hurt You Now

Mature Audience

All rights reserved

The characters and art are not mine but the storyline is. All credit to the rightful owners.

CW: Sexuality/language/MCD/drugs/alcohol/depression/love

Part 1 Present Day- Kei & Amanai

Hey, we're gonna be late." Amanai called out from the bathroom as she applied her mascara.

"Yeah, I just came to tell you the same thing." Kei was leaned up against the door staring, his mouth agape, at his wife.

She glanced at him and he slowly walked behind her and smoothed her long hair off to the side, placing soft kisses along her neck.

He looked totally hot in his blue suit with the top buttons undone and his tie hanging loosely.

"We have a little time," he said with a smile and she nudged him towards the bedroom.

"We're gonna be late." A naughty look in her eye and a touch of a smile on her lips as she began unbuttoning the rest of his shirt.

His gray top fell to the floor and her dress pooled at her feet leaving her standing in just her heels, her strapless bra and lacy panties.

"Yeah, yeah we are." He agreed as he pressed her back against the bed and slipped a finger into her lacy fabric.

He pulled her on top of him and she felt him harden in her hands as she reached between them.

"You are an incredibly sexy woman," he looked at her like she was a mythical creature.

"You're not so bad yourself, Tsukki."

She smiled, feeling grateful that he still felt as wild about her as she did about him.

He could feel that she was ready and pushed through as she gasped.

He loved that she still made these sexy sounds and let him know she was having a good time.

He knew he was rushing but they really were in a hurry.

"I love you, Ama," He cried out as he came.

Tightly she held onto his shoulders as the aftershocks passed over her body.

Hovering above her with a sexy smile he met her eyes.

"What?" She asked, feeling a little self-conscious as she pulled the covers over them.

He tugged the covers down and shook his head.

"You're just so fucking beautiful when you come," he declared and leaned down to kiss her, stopping when he saw that naughty gleam flash in her eyes again.

"Oh, you're so cute. You think you made me come," she laughed and put a hand against his chest as he crushed her playfully.

He turned her face towards his own, trying to decide if she was kidding, "You didn't?!?"

She laughed and kissed him, "Of course I did but I had to bring you down a notch. You looked way too satisfied with yourself." She bit his lip.

"Bitch," He laughed and pressed himself into her once more.

"What are you doing?" Her eyes widened in surprise, she asked, as he moved inside her.

"I can go a little longer," it was his turn to give her a naughty look.

"We're really late!" She shrieked and laughed.

"Not my fault. You shouldn't have said that, 'cause now I gotta make sure."

He added a couple of fingers and she closed her eyes and rode the wave of ecstacy he was bringing her.

When they were done they held each other for a short time before she frantically jumped up and said, "We gotta go! Now!"

They both dressed quickly, stealing kisses between laughs, as they heard their phones buzzing. She showed Kei the texts from Sura.

[Sura] "The hell is taking you so long?"

[Sura] "Oh my god, you guys! Are you coming or what?"

[Sura] "Wait don't answer that!" That one made Amanai laugh.

[Amanai] "Settle down, we're stuck in traffic. Fifteen minutes, tops!"

Kei looked at her like she was crazy, "It's gonna be like forty-five minutes, babe!"

"Don't blame me!" She grabbed her bag and ran out the door.

On the way to the wedding, they laughed and kissed at every stoplight.

Finally, they'd made it, just in time.

He took his place next to Kenma and flashed a sheepish smile.

"Seriously?" Kenma shook his head, annoyed.

"What? Traffic." Kei said with a low chuckle and looked at Amanai who was getting chewed out by Sura,

The couple caught each other's eyes and burst out laughing.

"Well did you at least remember to bring the rings?" Kenma asked, still annoyed.

Kei patted his pocket, "Yes! I'm not an idiot."

He rolled his eyes and smiled down at one of his favorite people.

"Yes, you are." Kenma smiled and nudged him.

"You nervous? You seem a little cranky." Kei asked sarcastically.

Remembering to be annoyed, Kenma said, "No, I just thought you would be here two hours ago like everyone else for photos, now we have to take them after."

"Sorry."

"Oh it's okay but you're gonna pay the photographer for the extra time." Kenma gave him a little shove. Nevermind that Kenma's own company was handling all of the photography, lights and sound.

Kei apologized and looked towards the end of the hall after hearing a commotion.

Just in time to catch a glimpse of Yachi adjusting a tiny sparkly tiara, smiling brightly at Sura and Amanai who helped her with her train and flowers.

She looked gorgeous and excited.

"You ready to do this?" Bokuto's eyes sparkled as he reached a hand out to first to Kenma, then to Kei.

Kuroo, the best man, stood on the other side of Kenma with a huge smile on his face.

"He's just worried about the wedding night," Kuroo quipped and Bokuto rewarded him with a big laugh.

The music started and Kenma looked at his friends, so thankful that they had his back on such a big day.

Kuroo was so glad that Kenma didn't hide his smile for once.

He let everyone see how proud and happy he was as the procession began and he could finally see his beautiful bride.

But Kuroo's heart hurt as he was acutely aware of the one who was missing.

It was the fourth wedding their former friend had missed.

He's missed everything, Kuroo thought with a sigh.

He set that thought aside when he saw his beautiful Sura make her way up the aisle to take her place beside Yachi, the bride, and watched the ever-graceful Amanai join them.

Sura blew him a kiss and he beamed at her.

Kenma took a step down when Yachi reached him and held her hand.

He leaned down to whisper softly in her ear and she giggled. He lifted her hand up to his heart and told her she looked radiant.

Bokuto's eyes sparkled with tears, he was so happy that he was here for another wedding day. It didn't matter that he was alone. He was alright with that. He'd been on his own for three years but he wasn't lonely.

He would dance and eat and laugh and be grateful for every moment of tonight. Every moment of his life.

Ahhh, but Akaashi. He missed his wayward friend most on special days like this.

The wedding albums always looked incomplete. After all this time, Bokuto still expected to find him, by some miracle, standing by his side in these photos  like it was all a bad dream when Akaashi went away for good.

Seven years without a word, without a sighting, no social media, no run-ins at Nationals or the damn grocery store.

He had to stop thinking about this and stay present in the moment because he could feel himself getting caught up in the emotions he'd worked so hard to control.

Today was about Kenma and Yachi. They deserved it to be the best day ever.

He refocused his attention on the bride and groom and watched Kenma kiss her for the first time as her husband, before he scooped up his tiny bride and carried her down the aisle.

Kuroo tapped Bokuto on the shoulder.

Bokuto grabbed Kuroo's hand and gave him a bro-hug.

After photos, they joined the party and Bokuto danced with all of his best friends' beautiful wives. He danced with his sister and he danced with the moms of both the bride and the groom. His dance card was as full as his heart.

Kei and Amanai kissed as they danced slowly to a love song. He stared into her chocolate brown eyes and lifted her lips to kiss her. She tasted like champagne and meringue from the cake.

He tasted the same to her and she couldn't wait to sneak away with him.

He smiled knowing what she was thinking.   After all they were newlyweds too, only married one year sooner.

Without a word, just a gentle pull on her hand, a sly grin across his cheeks and they slipped away from the dance floor.

Sura was laughing as Kuroo badly serenaded her. With a hand over her mouth she giggled and he laughed too, wiping his hair out of his eyes, he looked just as handsome as the day they met on their snowy campus shortly before the winter break.

He loved this woman with every fiber of his being and simply lived to make her happy. His brothers were his soulmates but she was the twin flame of his soul.

He needed her like he needed air or water. Together they were raising a sweet, almost two-year old named Kenbo.

A slow song began and he twirled her around and then pressed their entwined hands against his chest. He held her and with their eyes closed they swayed to the tune. Ever the dapper gentleman, he spun her out and pulled her back into his arms in a sweet cuddle dip.

She stared into his gorgeous eyes which flashed seductively. She reached up and placed her hand on his cheek and brought his lips back to hers.

As the song ended the wedding party was invited to give speeches and Kuroo, as the best man, did the honors.

Kenma and Yachi laughed in anticipation when Kuroo approached the mic.

He sat on a stool and looked at his best friend who was so incredibly happy.

Kei held Amanai's hand, she stretched her other one out to Bokuto who gave her a little squeeze as he wrapped his other arm around Sura's shoulder. She leaned into the big guy's warmth and smiled as her husband took the mic.

Yachi and Kenma thanked all of their family and friends and excused themselves for the night.

Blocked for a moment by Bokuto and Kuroo who teased Kenma.   He laughed good-naturedly and looked down at the beautifully wrapped box Kei handed to him.

"Should we open this now?" Kenma looked at Yachi and Kei's laugh was too loud as he said, "No, wait 'til you're alone. It's just a little something Ama and I put together. Enjoy your wedding night."

"Thanks, guys, for everything." Kenma

a said with happy tears making his eyes glisten.

"Love you, bro." Kuroo whispered as he hugged Kenma. Then he leaned down to kiss Yachi's cheek and the newly married couple disappeared from their sight.

#🔞.nsfw #yamaguchi tadashi #akaashi keiji #ao3 author #haikyu angst #m/m #rarepair #soulmates #friends to lovers #major character death #haikyu smut #bokuto koutarou #kuroo tetsurou #kenma kuzome #tsukishima kei #amanai kanoka #yachi hitoka #shimizu kiyoko #daichi sawamura #oc tag #akaashi x Yamaguchi

[unidentifiable-body]

‘Ello hello HELLOOOOOO DID SOMEONE SAY HOBIE BROOOOWWWNNNN AAAAYYY!!?!?!? MAAAAAATTTTEEEE HOLY FUUUUUUCCCKKKK I HAVE MISSED YOOOOUUUU MAD LAD PAV?!? BIG STEPPA ‼️‼️ YOU ALRIGHT MATE⁉️ Nah but legit mate?! I’ve missed you SO fucking much!!!! My host wouldn’t let me fucking front cause I was gettin all ‘too worried’ about you. AKA I was screaming and getting angry cause I was scared for you!! Gotta look after my lil bro!! Nah but legit mate. I’ve missed you so fucking much I’m so happy you’re back. Lemme know when things are gettin bad again yeah? And I’ll be there, legit love you so fucking much mate 💥🎤🎸🎸💥💥🎤🎤🎤

HOBIEEEEEEE MY GUYYYY!!! YOU'RE BACKKKKK AHHHH!!!!

IM SOOOO SOSOSO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WORRY!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH ASWELL MAN! AHHH!!!!! BUT I PROMISE I'M A-OKAY NOW!! Not remembering much about your source and then getting bombarded with traumatic ones kinda- sucks you know? I do feel very very awful for making you and everyone else I care most about worry- I can't only beg for all of your forgiveness, truly.

Things are...Okay? I think?? Everyone else has been good, Other than Peni, she's been a bit stressed and panicked lately, and where pretty sure she's been in a bit of a depressive state because whenever she's fronted she doesn't feed the body at all, so the host (Jev- He says hi by the way!!) Isn't allowing her to front at all- but she IS missing you very very much- although she always is, we THINK it's because she misses our source and not being able to be here physically with you, she just misses you being her older brother and I do not blame her!!

Of course I will!!! I promise to take care of myself for you, LOVE YOU SO MUCH ASWELL!!!! INFACT I LOVE YOU MORE AHAHA!!! SENDING YOU ALL THE BAKED GOODS IN THE WORLD!!

-✧˖°Pavitr/Pascal

#unidentifiable ushers~☆

[dzpenumbra]

10/24/22

I've been very sleep deprived and tired... and depressed... and irritable... all day. Still not caught up on sleep. And as of right now, I have to be up in 7 hours, so I'm going to be brief.

Max has her blood test tomorrow. I have to get up at 12:30, get her to eat her med-laced food by 1 so she's nice and doped up for her appointment at 3. We had a nice little freak-out today because she flat-out refused to eat the food with meds in it that I gave her tonight, around 1 AM. I first gave her vanilla ice cream, since its her favorite and she's usually crazy about it. But I don't know if it was the new vanilla bean flavor or the fact that she could taste the meds in it? But she just fuckin walked right away from it, which is very odd. So I had to throw it out and add another pill to some canned chicken, which is her regular food... and she refused to eat that too. I was freaking out about that for a bit. Like... until about half an hour ago, when we played a bit before bed, then she trotted off. I checked her food dish and she ate the chicken. So... 3 hours late... but she actually did it. So yeah, I was kinda planning on calling the vet in the morning and calling out of the appointment, but now we're on like Donkey Kong. Just need to make sure she eats in the morning, but now that I know this play-before-food trick, I'll give it a shot and see if it helps secure the deal.

All this for lab tests. I had the same kind of problems with my dog. We tried to get her blood drawn and she was just not having it. They couldn't get the vein and she kept pulling her paws, so I had to sedate her just like this. So... it's kinda a little more emotional than just a cat being difficult, which is frustrating enough. It's grief too. So that's tough.

But we're all in the clear now... until the morning.

I feel bad for my mom, I really dumped a lot of stress on her shoulders today. I have been carrying this "my brother is being a dick" stuff on my shoulders for like... several days now. It eats me alive. And I really was just hoping for someone to be like "yeah, you're right, I don't know what his deal is, you don't deserve that, you're just trying to be a good friend and a good brother and he repays you by creating distance? What's up with that?" Just like... having my back. You know? It's been so fucking long since anyone's had my back. She got there, it took us a while, and I just went on and on just venting and letting loose. I always feel bad about doing that. But god is it so relieving. To just get it out.

It's such a weird thing about isolation. You can say shit out loud to yourself and vent and rant and all that... but it really just doesn't compare to talking to another person about it. When it's working, I guess it's worth clarifying that. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

So yeah, I feel like shit for doing that, but she seemed to really get it and offered to talk to him. I pray he doesn't flip out on her. If he does... yeah, that's gonna be bad. So... yeah. My family is so fucking weird. It makes me really insecure, knowing how fucked up like every member of my family is and how completely oblivious they seem to it... it makes me constantly paranoid that there's some stuff about myself that I'm blind to. And I'm sure there is. Makes me super insecure. So... I'm not really sure how to cope with that. Because honestly, it seems like everyone has these blind spots, their own individualized ones. I feel like part of self-improvement and self-care is paying attention to those, and working on those. But like... I don't know, maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving of myself for that. Maybe it's okay for me to have blind spots and I don't have to neurotically go around trying to be perfect and flawless all the time.

I want to go to bed. I don't want to work on this stuff anymore, it feels like it's just non-stop. I have a big day tomorrow and a drugged up cat to reassure and keep calm and loved.

Oh, and I added literally 3 lines to the hoodie. I'm totally being a perfectionist in both self-care and artwork and it really needs to stop. It's roadblocking me in every aspect of my life. I need to let go and go zentangle style again. Stop obsessing with perfect symmetry, slap some rough guidelines on (at most) and just start drawing shit.

We'll see if tomorrow-Me agrees.

#diary #journal #online diary #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts