#but it does help put things into perspectives... also why i've been calling myself more of an enthusiast rather an apologist

[gabichanwrites]

I've seen an opinion about JJK that the story needs so much pointless death and unrealized potential because it is the point. That this is the world of JJK, cruel and killing off potential because of higher-ups indifference and carelessness with sorcerer's lives. That Gege did a brave thing by stepping out of the line of a typical shouen plot and made his characters suffer and die and pointed out the ridiculousness of adults making children fight for them.

And to all of that I say - I get it. But also I don't agree.

There is a significant difference between the potential in-universe and the potential of the characters. Sure, they overlap a lot, especially in series like JJK, but there is a difference. For example, both the characters and us have been thrilled with the unspoken potential of Megumi's "sacred treasure" and I'm pretty sure every single one of us went wild when he made his half-baked domain in S1. Also, he got Sukuna as his hypeman - it's hard to really top that in terms of potential. But when I say character potential, I don't mean only power scaling one - I mean what they could do in a story. And one of the best examples for me are The Twins. You know, the ones that try to bargain with Sukuna to kill off the Fake-Getou. And the quite pointless death of BOTH of them.

Their techniques personally interest me a lot but it's not even about that. Even if there is not that much space to explore with them cursed technique-wise, wouldn't it be so interesting if one of them got to live? Betrayed by every curse she turned for help to, alone in a raging Shibuya - forced to work with the School Gang? With their very differing opinions, with her wildly different perspective... Man, I'm not that good of a writer to figure it out on a fly. But there was potential there, a very interesting one, and wasting it isn't the nail on the coffin for Gege's story - but it does disappoint me, considering how hyped the story was for me beforehand. How much trust I put into Gege's writing.

And with the way things are going with Nanami, Nobara and, from what I've gathered from my partner's ashamed face when I mentioned my suspicions, Todou, this is no longer about power potential the characters had (although with Nobara it kinda still is). It's about how those deaths are hidden behind the smoke screen of theme and well, that's the cruelty of the world that tries to hide the balant shock-value of these deaths. Because back in season 1 Gojo already said it - that he knows killing higher-ups won't really solve anything. That it's about a new generation doing better, forcing a change others reject.

So why isn't this story about that? Why does it kill off THREE (?) characters for the sake of kicking Yuuji into dirt? Why does Mahito even require so many named deaths to establish... What exactly? That he's fucked up and immoral and direct opposite of Yuuji? That he can bring out the worst in him? I THINK I GOT THE POINT AFTER JUNPEI AND NANAMI, REALLY.

So, with the spoilers I have from the manga, I just feel like it's not quite right to call those deaths deserved because of the setting. Not when the story in S1 promised a change, a hopeful future set by the new generation.

And if that were never the main focus of the series, then I don't want to hear a single world about those deaths contributing to it because they are not.

Man, there is no one who wants to love JJK more than me and there is no one more heartbroken that I can't bring myself to do so anymore.

#jujutsu no kaisen #jjk #i mean i haven't read it but ive been spiiled and i talk about it #jujutsu no kaisen manga spoilers #jjk nanami #nanami kento #kugisaki nobara #aoi todo #itadori yuuji #mahito #jjk critical #unfortunately i'm not over it #and twitter does not help #what a surprise

[mdhwrites]

I read a blog you posted last year where you mentioned you hate 'fix-it' fics, or 'Fix Fics,' as TV Tropes likes to call them.

I haven't read many 'fix-fics' myself, but I've personally had mixed thoughts on the concept. On one hand, if I personally was frustrated by the way a certain story was told, it could be cathartic (in an admittedly selfish way) to see it retold.

But the choice word 'fix' can carry an underlying (or overlying) sense of arrogance. As if the writer is saying to the creator 'what you made is wrong, so I shall make it right.' I guess it depends on the motive for writing; you said all 'fix-fics' come from a place of anger, but I don't think that's necessarily true.

They could sometimes come from a viewer that loves the work they're critiquing, and just...genuinely wants to explore by themselves what it would be like if this or that thing was handled differently. Or from someone who wants to dabble with an existing work so they can build up the confidence to write their own stories.

Perhaps the key is whether or not the writer is using the term 'fix-it' to describe their stories. If that's the case, then maybe it does come from a place of anger, more than anything. But I would like to hear your own thoughts on why you hate 'fix-fics.'

So I think I saw you probably like a blog of mine about why I wouldn't ever rewrite TOH where I brought this up and honestly, from your post in general, I'd say I probably worded it wrong or too strongly. You are correct after all on a LOT of accounts here. The one I really want to highlight is the confidence ones as suddenly you're putting proof to your theory that your version would be better. That can absolutely be helpful for building confidence.

I have two sides of which I should have clarified.

1: I don't approve of LONG fix it fics. Fixing an episode or a chapter of something is one thing. Writing out how to fix an entire series though? It's unfair as far as fixing something goes because you already know all the elements you like in a story, haven't had to experiment with it at all or come up with major plot points on the fly (I feel like I've gotten worse about potentially insinuating that I could have done X better with the suggestions I put out. Creation is always harder than critique after all.) etc. like that. It also just takes a LONG. FUCKING. TIME. And for what purpose? An idea that will only ever be half yours? Which brings me to

2: I don't want to ever do fix it fics, let alone long ones. As an original writer, I would rather take the elements I like from something I find flawed on pull on those threads in a more productive, more challenging environment. To actually make the idea my own rather than constantly having to still constrain myself to parts of something I find so flawed as to consider it in need of an entire rewrite.

I think this is also why I just don't approve of them in general. I would rather that spite, especially if it is on the scale of an entire series rewrite, be channeled into something simply more useful. A fanfic that's redoing large swaths of a work just isn't something that too many are going to need and is honestly going to limit your creativity rather than expand it. That's how I see it at least.

I did probably screw up in the original blog though and not make it clear that when I say I hate writing fix it fics, it's very much so "I don't like WRITING fix it fics." I don't like carrying that sort of rage into a work, especially long term. That's actually an issue for Rich Witch at this point as celebration of TOH made me see threads that had been left fallow by rushing a bit in Amity's arc in S1 (that's how I saw it at the time at least) and that I could expand upon with a perspective shift over to focusing on Amity as the main character. Now that TOH holds so much anger for me, the elements that once inspired it now cause darker feelings and, well... There's a lot of complicated reasons why I'm really afraid Rich Witch is simply dead.

*sigh*

I think, for me, anger and spite are more powerful for blogs like these. Those elements can inspire me but the idea they make has to have joy in it or I just don't find that I commonly get hooked on it. Not when anger is such a short term fuel, at least for me. If it works better for others though, more power to you.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

#Writing #fix it fic

[randomwords247]

It's about time I address the elephant in the room: WHAT HAPPENED TO HILDA AND THE LOST FUTURE?

So, for anyone who doesn't know, in I believe early 2021 I started a comic called Hilda and the Lost Future, based off the episode the 50 year night. I haven't updated this comic in a while and I know I've had some people ask me when it'll come back

A tl;dr for anyone who wants the short answer:

It will be a while. It's not my current priority or main interest, but I absolutely want to get back to it at some point: When I do, it'll be from slowly working on multiple pages in the background which will eventually be posted every week when I have a big backlog.

For anyone wanting any more information tho, theres a number of reason's its been a while

A big one is burnout. I got really heavily burnt out I believe late 2021 and I haven't done nearly as much drawing as I would've liked since then

One of the factors for why I had so much burn out was university - For those of you who don't know, I'm currently a University student, specifically I just finished my second year meaning I have the Big Boy Dissertation coming up for my final year. I also had a job until late last year which I'd work during my uni breaks so I had like no real break.

Uni has taken generally just a lot of my time and energy away from me and it's because of uni that I haven't been drawing much. I'm still tryna get back into drawing way more regularly and it's a little disheartening that in some regards I'm a tad rusty, but I still enjoy drawing way too much to quit

Another issue that doesn't help is, as I'm sure a lot of you have noticed, I've been bitten by the minecraft bug quite bad. Or more that it's come back from the grave because I swear my minecraft obsession never truly left. And like as a result of that I've even been making my own videos! It's been really fun and I'm having a blast. I honestly have been finding making videos really fun and a nice escape from uni, plus a good excuse to draw (thumbnails). Outside of the game itself I've been very into a lot of mcyt fandoms, currently I am loving watching hermitcraft and I have loved bansmp (a series by my friend bantaro) and its been a blast being able to be a part of that series which I've loved watching.

I still like Hilda a lot, don't get me wrong. I'm just way more focused on other interests at the moment and with so little time it kinda leaves you prioritising, and I definitely lost steam with my strict schedule I put upon myself.

So, where does that leave us?

I know initally when I started the comic I had a lot of people offer to help out, help make it and things. I still am sure that I do not want this, as much as I appreciate peoples' offers.

One of the main focuses of the comic, outside of telling a story I have planned out, is to improve my drawing skills and make a comic from start to end by myself. I also know I'd be too particular with the way things would be done to want to pass it to someone else, and I don't want to like hand it off. It's something I want to do for myself, and again it's a way for me to improve my drawing skills. I mean heck, from the pages I've done so far I already vastly improved my ability to do backgrounds and perspective.

My plan is to work on pages in the background, not give any real estimation of when I'm working on them or not or when to expect them. Just a slow work on them every so often as I focus more on other things. That way, when I eventually get say (as an example), 10 pages finished, I'll do an announcement and I'll post the finished pages spacing them out a week at a time, to give myself a buffer. If this like makes me passionate enough to bump out one a week like I originally did, I'll do that, but if not then I'll repeat the process of slowly working on a bunch and posting them all after a lot are finished

So yeah! For anyone who read this far instead of just reading the tl;dr, I appreciate it! I know its a long and probably overdue talk on things, but I thought it'd be worth talking about because I've been thinking about the comic a lot lately and how I wanna get back to it. I just also know that like, I don't wanna burn myself out with it again so it'll be more of a slow project to chip away at.

Again currently my main focus has been youtube (link in pinned post), and if you're enjoying that then I'm glad to hear! I have another video that I'm hoping to get done before next week, though I've come down with a cold so it might be a little iffy on that front. Otherwise, hope you all have a nice day! :)

#hilda #hilda netflix #hilda and the fifty year night #hilda the fifty year night #hilda (hilda) #hilda and the lost future #hilda and the lost future comic #hilda comic #ramble post #randy rambles #update #update post #hilda and the lost future update

[new-royston-cursebreakers]

(Pen pal from Micah to Cricket) Greetings, This letter may be a bit of a surprise, but allow me to explain. I'm a studying wizard of another realm. So far, I've only been able to observe other realms for short periods, and just send things back and forth. Long story short, seems like we're both in need of some friends. (My mentor won't stop nagging me about it.) Not to mention, seems your city is in quite the odd predicament. Then again, I'm in a world where fairies and giants exist, so who am I to compare? I suppose I ought to introduce myself. My name is Micah Cyprus. I'm studying a variety of magic, but have taken a liking to elemental and druidic magic. I have many animal companions, as well as my mentor Rhydian and my family. We live on the outskirts of Stellaris by choice, at least nowadays. Being poor has its own set of perks. You get to learn a thing or two that others don't. It's all about perspective. And speaking of perspective, and I hope it's not a rude question, what's it like being small? (I've tried asking a fairy when I was young, it didn't end too well.) Sadly, I haven't mastered that sort of spell. It seems rather fun! Anyways, do you like animals yourself? What kinds of stories do you like? I would be thrilled to learn more about you! Just leave your letter where you found this one. I'll pick it up tomorrow evening. Cheers, Micah Cyprus (took me a while to get to it, but here ya go!)

(Cricket's left a letter and small book alongside it)

Hi Micah!

First of all, this is probably the coolest letter I’ve ever received! And it’s even sized for me! That’s so considerate of you! I hope my handwriting is big enough for you, I assume your the normal size a human should be? That’s around bracket three right? Like four to seven feet?

Second of all, yeah, I’ve been in some need of friends. Since your from another dimension and you know things about me that I don’t talk about I assume you’ve been watching me? If so, please don’t tell anyone about the situation with my household. I am perfectly fine on my own and will be out of this situation soon enough!

Third of all…MAGIC?! I have a friend who uses magic too! His name’s Auster and he says the kind of magic he uses is called stregoneria! It’s a bunch of stuff with oil and herbs and charms and saints and stuff. I don’t understand a lot of it but I know that it works! He uses it to heal and to help people get good luck. What do you use druidic and elemental magic for? I assume elemental controls the elements, but what does druidic magic do?

Your right that being poor has its own set of perks. I look at my bigger richer friends and their problems and it’s so weird. ^ In New Royston those are the same thing, sorry! My giant friend Gio has a lot to live up to and he’s kinda scared of his parents. If you go through all the effort to be rich, why wouldn’t you want to be nice to your kids? And then your kids can get the money and make more money and pass it on to their kids and your set.

But I don’t think I’d give up being small. Ideally I’d like to have money and also be small. I’ve never really been big before, but I don’t think I’d like it. When you’re small, everywhere takes longer to go to and everything’s colder (Gio says it’s because we ‘have less internal organs compared to our skin’? So we put off more heat than we make) but when you can’t get to places so easily, the places you do go matter more and look all the more beautiful from a worm’s eye view. And when everything is so cold, nothing compares to the warmth from baking bread or being held in a pocket or a giant’s palm. And you learn to be there for other small people. I really hope you can learn a spell to shrink, I think being small is something that everyone should try once if they can. If you can’t, then I hope you can find a friendly giant in your world!

I do like animals, but I don’t get to meet a lot of them. Birds and squirrels are scary, and I’ve heard that bigger animals might try to eat me, but I’d love to meet a dog sometime. I’m a much bigger fan of bugs. On my friend Monty’s bug farm, I get to help take care of woodlice, dragonflies, crickets, all sorts of stuff! I’d love to hear more about your animal companions. As for stories, I tend to like them short and sweet. I left you one of my favorites. (https://archive.org/details/trent_0116405259619/mode/2up)

Hope to hear from you again soon!

Cricket

#character pen pals #held in darkness 🦗 #i am getting to these. slowly. i am sleeby #ty so much for the letter! hope you dont mind how much cricket writes. he also talks a lot lol

[wutheringmights]

I've just found Call Them Brothers and I am so in love with the way you write Warriors, Time, and Wind. The characterizations are all fascinating and they all feel like real, breathing people and it's super impressive. They're definitely my favorite characterizations I've found in any lu fic and I just wanted to say thank you for giving such complex characters such a fascinating and cathartic story.

Also, the way you have crafted the plot together and connected so many different narrative threads into what I can only describe as a gorgeous tapestry is absolutely masterful. You are truly composing one of the greatest and most well put together stories I've ever read. As a writer myself, I feel like I'm learning so much about how to use stylistic choices to better support plot threads. I absolutely adore CTB so thank you very much.

If it's alright, can I ask how you manage all the various plot threads and especially all the political intrigue?

I hope you have a lovely day/evening and thank you so much for Call Them Brothers

Thank you so much! You're really kind and I'm so happy you like CTB so far!! This story has been a big experiment of just throwing stylistic spaghetti at the wall and seeing what happens, so I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I am a proud preacher of the importance of character drama in a story. Any genre or idea or world is carried by the writing for the characters. I have spent a long time honing in on how to write character dramas.

I say that because all of the various plot threads, even the political intrigue ones, are at their core about two or more characters at odds with each other.

Every plot line about the war can be broken down into what Warriors's relationships are with other people, like Spirit, Lincoln, Zelda, Impa, Anders, and more. Typically, each character is a mouthpiece for a specific stance that Warriors opposes. Let them clash, and what is essentially a story about a bunch of people trying to figure out how to fight a war becomes 10 times more intriguing.

I know I wrote a very long post some time about about how I came up with some of the world building stuff concerning the politics, but I can't find it. Here is a quick summary of what I probably said:

Don't be afraid to just use real world politics in your story; my Hyrule is brimming with a lot of the classic Americanisms

Focus on cause and effect; if character X does something, then it should have a ripple effect

Look at other stories about the topic you're writing on; I was pretty familiar with literature and movies about war before writing this story, which certainly helped me in writing about a war

Get everyone's perspectives; I find that a lot of political intrigue focuses on the upper classes, which is why I think the story becomes richer when you look at how all these policies affect the people

For the copious amounts of plot threads... I'm not even sure, pal. All I know is that I established that certain characters are going through stuff and as I write the story, they kind of just do things on their own.

I can talk more about how the present day and the past are worked together:

For purposes of character development and plotting, I considered the past and the present two different stories; thinking them as the same one makes it more complicated than it needs be

I picked a point in both plots where the events had to happen in the same chapter, then paced CTB around it

The past is more thoroughly planned out in the present so that I could reference one in the other without worrying about inconsistencies

Everyone already knows how the past ends, as it ends in the present. That means the two sides of the story will have different types of tension: one where the reader sees the train wreck but can't stop it and one where the reader doesn't know when the crash is happening; understanding they have different types of tension and intrigue and leaning into it will help the plots match up

Everything beyond that I just kinda wing it. Truthfully, I can tell where in the story I shoe'd in a convenient plot point to help move things along. I don't think many people notice where the plot is weak since I try to make everything come off as being on purpose.

So that's my last bit of advice: be confident, especially if this is a genre you're not used to or a project that you think you're not prepared for. Readers can tell when you're scared. I swear that if you just commit and show no fear, your story will appear more put together than it is.

#not to tease the end of act 4 again but those two plot points I shaped the story's pacing around so that they could be in the same chapter? #that's the end of act 4 babey #anyway anon sorry i can't find my longer post about this #genuinely all you need is character drama and confidence and you'll be good #me rambling #ask #anonymous #lu ctb #frankie gives advice #<-could have sworn that was my advice tag but whatever

[dinosaurchurch]

With any major event; any major turbulence of emotions that gets stirred underneath the surface I always find myself with a flurry of questions as I begin to process things. I think this is no different, for anyone who's talked to me recently you know that my father is in the midst of passing away and could go at any time now. I had a lot of hesitation writing this, but I wanted to put things out there from my perspective on the whole ordeal.

I want to say I'm sad to see him go but I'll be frank, the older I got and the less ignorance I had on the kind of person he was I realized that I don't think I will be. Denial is a powerful thing and so is looking through memories of someone with a lens of heavy nostalgia. I think the hardest thing of seeing him go is knowing that the person I once loved has been gone for a very long time. The more I grew up and got the full picture the more I understood that I was ignorant to the truth, that being that he's never been a nice person or a good parent. I think that's something that hurts the most out of all of this.

The mere fact that about 2 years ago I decided on my own will to finally cut ties was the final nail in the coffin for me. You absolutely cannot help someone that doesn't want to help themselves and there came a point where I felt that I did have to walk away for my own sanity. I was tired of extending out a helping hand only for it to amount to nothing, that feeling of helplessness ate at me for a while. Told myself I could've done more, I should've done 'x', maybe if I did 'y' event 'z' wouldn't have happened. I overrode my own sense of comfort and my own boundaries for someone who only would take and take with nothing to give back in return.

It was that selfishness that left me with a lot of questions. Questions that I don't think I'll ever truly understand because I'm not that person. I cannot put down other people and only cause destruction in my own wake because I lack the empathy to feel what other people are feeling. I don't have the heart to do that and that's something that I've realized more and more as I've grown is I don't want to harm anyone else if I can, not even the people I don't like. Call me soft perhaps but I've come to terms with that.

Having to watch someone spiral out of control and stagnate is hell, you want to do something - anything - to help them but they don't have the insight nor the care to fix or even mitigate the problem. How does someone get here? How does someone genuinely not care for the people and the places around them? Or even themselves? I know part of humanity is unfortunately accepting the darker traits of what makes us 'human' so to speak but that's not something that I easily can accept. Perhaps the motivation to do the unspeakable and the sheer lack of morals is what does me in. I don't have it in me.

I won't go into detail on all of the bad and the ugly on the family drama or exactly why I'm more mad than anything at my father but it's bad enough that I wanted to distance myself. The breaking point and why I snapped I don't feel is something I need to bring up again but it was the cherry on top of the cake. I remember that week - my younger sister calling me in tears. I just snapped, I was tired of accepting things I shouldn't, things I couldn't morally accept. It's never easy putting your foot down to someone after you've been so complacent for so long but enough was enough. I swore I didn't want to speak of it, that even if I did have that conversation of why I didn't want to have contact with him again; that it all wouldn't amount to anything. For someone who's moral line has shifted so badly what I consider 'acceptable' and what they do are two different things, I wasn't going to be able to convince someone that what they did was a bad thing if they didn't believe it. I also wasn't going to blow up at him - I didn't want to and I know some people might call that cowardly of me but sometimes saying nothing and just walking away is the only answer you have. I've funny enough been on both sides of such a situation and it wasn't until I had to do it myself that I understood why.

Saying I'm not going to miss the fun times we shared as family would be a lie, the only problem is there hasn't been any sort of uplifting time like that in years. I think the last time I remember having any sort of 'fun' - quality bonding time with my father was February of 2018 when the two of us flew to Montréal on an overnight flight to see my younger sister graduate from boot camp. It was roughly a 3 day trip. Since then it was just him wanting to spend time with us on rare occasion for him, not for us.

One thing I want to throw out there and this is one of the reasons why I'm mad is he never got to know me or my sisters as people. Could barely remember our birthdays, like you tell us "I love you" when you see us but your actions spoke otherwise. It's upsetting to know that he couldn't remember our favourite colours, what any of our passions were besides the obvious, or even our long time ambitions. He didn't even know I was writing a story with the last full conversation I had with him - something I've had on the go since I was 10 years old. Every time we talked it was him venting about his woes, the conversation was never directed at anybody else or was about anybody else besides what centred around him.

This whole thing I know someone is going to call 'scathing' but I've been dealing with just heartache for a really long time over the father that just wasn't there for me (or my sisters). I think your kids deserve better - hell anybody deserves better. I think my younger sister put it quite succinctly a few days ago when we got the news that he was taking a turn for the worst - he wanted the fun and joy of having a family and reap the rewards of that without ever putting in the effort. She's absolutely right and that fucking sucks. I suppose one takeaway I can learn from this is what not to do if I ever become a parent - be there for your kids, show them interest and support them and what they're passionate about. My father didn't do these things, he would just try and buy our love, he never made the effort to really see what made any of us tick. Anything we did was because he wanted to do it, not necessarily because we wanted and frankly if we declined we'd be guilt tripped with the whole 'do it for dad'. Can't say that leaves a good taste in my mouth but that was just one thing out of many.

I'm not going to say everything about the man was bad, there was some fun times like the camping trips growing up or the 2am ice cream runs but a lot of this was overshadowed by the bad the more time went on. A part of me really wish it wasn't so but the truth is the truth and unfortunately it reared it's ugly head especially over the past decade when I think he realized that not everything was about him and that some of us weren't going to take that. There was several major events that I won't be discussing here that really showcased that when you strip someone of the control or power they thought they had a lot of things unravel at the seams.

The biggest thing I'm mourning is the person my father could've become. I believe that everyone has a potential to be amazing and he just chose not to. That's the part that kills me inside is knowing he didn't even try, not even to get himself back onto the right track. I want the best for everyone, including him and even when the ball was in his court he just didn't care. It's saddening, but there was nothing anybody could do for him. Guess it's just that hope in me that the inkling of becoming a decent person - someone wonderful - that I thought he was when I was really small would come true.

I won't lie and say as much as I wanted to hate him for some of what he did (or didn't do when he should've) I just couldn't and a part of me is still going to love the faint memory I had of a man I once called 'dad'. I lived with him for a long time and I definitely empathized with some of his struggles that he had, he was still human after all. I have a lot of turbulent emotions over this whole thing, I wish I didn't and that I could just sweep all of this under the rug but its all of what I've said that's tugging at me.

He wasn't a nice person, but he had moments where I think there was some good. The last thing he did was drop off a govt check that came in for me at one of my previous addresses even though he didn't need to, my house is really out of the way for him. I wasn't able to answer the door so my SO got it for me but it's just a reminder that he wasn't all negative as much as my mind might fixate on that.

No one is ever clean cut black and white - good or evil. Even the most despicable had likable qualities just like how the nicest people are still capable of doing the unspeakable. That's why this hurts the most. It's not cut and dry; I don't have it in me to remain angry spite the pitfalls. Trust me, I want to so bad but I can't. I'm not my father and I don't I ever will be - I can't hold a grudge, not these days.

I'm a different person and I think that's why I'll never understand why he was the way he was. It's not in me to be like that and I'm certainly not motivated by the same things.

All in all there was a lot of mistakes made but it's all said and done. People are definitely a product of their choices, that much is clear. Good or bad, each person you come across during your journey leaves their mark on you. The simple and small makes a ripple that affects everything else. Life is a learning curve and people are imperfect but it doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't try to make the best of it. Everyone has the choice on what path to take.

I'm sure I'll have another cry session as I process all of my thoughts. Either way this is my perspective, I'm not going to rescind what I've said. I just want people to know my side of the story because somewhere in the middle of everyone is the truth and I think the truth should be said. I want to be as transparent as I can.

There's no sugarcoating it, I'm going to be upset but at least people now know why...

#personal #journal #winter 2023 #death #life and death #saying goodbye #goodbye #family #emotions #my POV #inner thoughts #looking back #nostalgia #childhood #growing up #hope #humanity #turbulence #ENTJ #ENTJ personality

[peppertaemint]

hi, from your blog I learn a lot about shinee and you are doing well. Do not take my following questions the wrong way. I do see you being vocal and critica of bts and their fandom from time to time. It is good to know both sides of the fandom, good and evil, well done on talking about it. My question may seem rude but why are you also not critical of shinee, their fans and their company. I only see you write good things about shinee not a negative review, be it their solo projects to you they are perfect etc. Is it okay for someone like me who is learning about them to just know their good and positive aspects. Does this mean they are perfect idols, who have never said or done anything wrong, and as for their fandom they are not xenophobic, racist and etc as well.

Hi Anon,

I really like your Ask. Thank you for submitting it.

SHINee (and for that matter all groups/artists) are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, does the wrong thing, has beef with their company etc.

As for me, I don't have a lot of complaints about SM re SHINee. They have a contract that gives them final say on everything, and they put out music and concepts that are satisfying to me and intellectually stimulating as someone who studied art and music.

I have complained about the fandom here before, but I rarely need to because they don't really move like army or blinks or stays apparently (lol). I don't see racism or xenophobia within the fandom on a daily basis. The new, younger Taemin fans are the ones I see it mostly with (once every two months maybe? Lol) but they're mostly busy making Taemin sound like SM's Cinderella when he's legit the favourite.

The thing I think you're forgetting Anon is that this is a fandom that suffered trauma and still experiences grief. There are "bigger fish to fry" in SHINee World than cyber bullying a kid for saying something dumb or attacking journalists. When the New Yorker published that terrible article last month, the vast majority of shawols politely listed the problems with it. Of course there are exceptions but there were a lot of people, including myself, reminding fans of our behaviour standards.

The fandom fundamentally has a different perspective. It's not an easy thing. And the shawol fights you see on occasion are often younger fans not respecting Jonghyun's legacy. Some even say they don't care to know him. I'm sure you can understand how hurtful that is to a lot of the fans. It pains me when I come across it because his music is nothing short of brilliant.

I've said this before in other posts, but people are welcome to send in asks that are critical of ANY group. That includes SHINee and Taemin, especially now that we know Taemin is healthier. When he was unwell, I was not comfortable going down that route but I think that's understandable given well, everything.

Does SHINee have a "bad" aspect? Sure. They've done cultural appropriation like all other kpop groups in some of their styling occasionally. Don't Call Me had some hip hop looks blended with other fashions. I think they're good at creating something new out of different elements; I didn't feel like they were in hip hop cosplay. However, I do think they could be more careful with some elements (the durag, some of the hats chosen).

Do I have criticisms? Only a few. I think my main criticism centers on how unwell Taemin was before he enlisted and how the fans experienced that. But how can I blame anyone? When someone gets sick, they get sick. And he was already sick for a long time. I wish there was a way he could have been helped, and that fans could have felt comforted and less worried. My only choice is to trust SM has learned from its mistakes. SM made horrific, tragic mistakes and I do think some of the ire for Hybe is rooted in how they're inexperienced and seem to not put the health and training of their talent first when they should have learned from other's companies mistakes.

#shinee ask #tw: dec 18 #tw: mental illness #tw: trauma and grief

[avvocarlo]

my work is giving me the absolute shits at the moment. I genuinely want to be able to work, except the problem is they're doing it in the most irritating way possible. I've been saying No near on 95 % of the time because it'll be one or more of the following: asking at 9 pm tonight if I can be somewhere tomorrow for 8 am - 3 pm, only a day or so notice, a few hours prior to the shift - this is including sleepovers - somewhere I haven't been to before on that very day, asking me to do back to back shifts while I was already on shift or soon after finishing, offering only a few days in advance to do a 24 hour shift at a place that's over 50 km away. also keep in mind that this is unpredictable work, I genuinely could get a knife in the neck one day for all I know

like no I'm not going to accept these anymore. I was going completely mental for all those months I had long weeks that were at times an upward of 60-70 hours, sleeping in a house that wasn't my own, doing stressful work in a multitude of locations, frequent texts and calls from multiple people (org rostering, coordinators, supervisors, agency staff) every single day demanding that we remove, add, or alter shifts by location, hours etc. that then culminated into some insanely stressful shifts that were utterly cooked by a horrific level of mismanagement. to mention these events in detail would be a whole post by itself I'm sure.

not too long ago they caught on to me that I was essentially burnt out, I told them the last minute shift offers were significantly bothering myself and my partner, they seemingly listened. I'm not sure if my regular coordinator is gone, but that had soon been disregarded. they probably believe I'm difficult or possibly lazy, but their logistical and organisational skills are so mind blowingly incompetent that it will inevitably beget this kind of outcome. what do you expect to happen?

I'm agency at the moment, and we're in the process of moving me somewhere else organisation-wise that will provide consistency, except idk man... I'm feeling incredibly jaded by the whole situation, there was a period I wanted to leave my agency and transition over to the organisation I'm still at, the organisation then seemed to take it upon themselves to use this as a way of pushing my boundaries. increased calls, ridiculous expectations, etc etc.

some people might argue that's to test my worth! that I needed to stick it out! why? what to blindly follow the promise of dangling keys above me like some kind of chump? come on man, there's no way I'm going to fall for that, nor am I going to be some performing bitchboy who puts up with that type of behaviour. I've been called a great worker by my agency/organisation, except it's increasingly difficult to even tell how genuine they are. it does seem like a lot of smoke and mirrors, truly. if I'm so great then why did you treat me that way? I'm better than that, I suppose if I wasn't an asset in their mind they wouldn't be fighting to keep me within the agency + organisation. which again, I don't overly trust. they seem to believe I can't catch on to how facetious many aspects of this industry are. Self Care, Therapeutic Responses, oh did you do this? Ahhh always follow the planner! Be the Gestapo for the love of god, except don't. you know what I mean?

anyway, feeling pretty frustrated about this situation. having time away (as you can all tell by the increased posting over the last month) certainly helped me realise what was important and how I truly felt, unfortunately that only helps me by personal perspective rather than an actual subsequent change with financial compensation, job security, or career pathways... hopefully things will be on the up soon? a sense of structure is extremely important to me

#most places would be fortunate to have me as i know i am very intelligent emotionally and intellectually #i genuinely believe I'd be a great coordinator or manager #I'm convinced #unfortunately this industry has a significant amount of ass kissing and pantomime participating that kind of makes me sick #this job pays fairly well too like I'll choose my own comfort over money #who do you think you are?

[stephatersie]

I've been daydreaming lots. Travelling with my parents has led to my time with myself to be greatly reduced.

Talking to myself, even in a low, soft and hoarse voice has proven to me to have its benefits in the long run. It helps me with control, energy, concentration and even sleep. I know last night, on the 21st-22nd, I slept little by choice.

It's not that I was not tired or wanted to sleep, but I have been longing for some time with myself, away from my parents. It's one of the things I am looking forward to in regards to living in a dorm by myself.

I have complete and utter control of my life. How much and what I eat, my sleep and daily schedule, my way of life, where and how long I workout for.

Of course, the downside to that is that if things go wrong - my grades go down, my weight goes out of control - I have only myself to blame - which can lead to many things.

I worry too much about being a good person. Which also leads to things. Is it selfish to admit I am being nice hoping to be treated, in turn, with kindness?

All of my childhood stories emphasized on kindness out of one's heart, and were always rewarded, and those who didn't were met with misfortune. Of course, this makes sense. If you are liked and you are a genuinely good person who respects people, their person, their privacy, you'll automatically be protected. It's a simbiotic thing, I've noticed. An analogy would be to have a dog want to protect the human that feeds them and takes care of them. If the human dies, the dog will no longer be looked after, and life becomes infinitely harder. If the dog dies, the human suffers a life companian, and will enter a deep grief, which also makes life infinitely harder. It's a win-win. One could argue that their motives are selfish, others would say that despite that being the starting point of the relationship, love eventually blooms.

But what is love? True love. This word is thrown around a lot. Ever since out of the womb, but what is it truly? Does it even exist? Do we control it? Does it control us? If we all dedicate ourselves to a relationship in hopes for something in return - whatever it might be, however, the most often wish is companionship, as social creatures as ourselves fear loneliness more than death itself - can it even be called "true"?

If love represents the simbiotic relationship described previously, true love is only possible if it is one-sided, right? But humans would argue that is an incredibly unhealthy way to view love, right?

When I think of true love - two situations come to mind : parental love, and the love offered by whatever Lord you worship.

Though parental love is tricky. I have come across, and heard of too many parents mistreating their children. Why do they do that? Out of love? What does that say about our perception of love? Neglect? If they would have truly loved their children, this would not be an issue.

So is offering love in our nature or nurture?

I have once read somewhere that the first signs of civilization was a healed femur, because it showed how us humans have abandoned the "Only the strong shall survive" mentality and have started prioritizing each other as a community. Is that what love is? How did we get to that?

This is where the room gets divided into two. On my left, I see those who would put me in a headlock, convincing me with their diabetic chants that we are God's creations and that we are but statues of His made out of Earth. And on my right, pulling on the hypothetical tabel that had spawned in my vicinity for the sake of this entertaining monologue, a sea of words as long as the Ecuator itself, and telling me very respectfully that if I do not understand their data and statistics, I am but a simpleton whose universe and horizons are too small.

That was a joke, people. Which also reveals a glance at my perspective on religion. I am intrigued by its meaning and origins, yet disgusted by its preachers' practices.

If God and His Son loves us unconditionally, and all sins shall be forgiven, why does Hell exist? What's the limit? If there's a limit, can it even be called "unconditional love"?

(Back to the division and my take on it. I believe both parties. I believe that we descent from monkey-like mammals, and that God has played a massive role in our evolution, meticulously picking which aspects shall be modified and how.)

My question is the following : Who wrote the bible?

Because whoever did can be credited with manipulating generations of humans.

And it's sad, is it not? How we are looking for love and we are doing so much to get it. Religion is proof of that. When someone controls your life, your being, it's a huge loss on your part. And yet you do it "for the love of God". I would even argue that many people don't even feel much of a connection with God. Simply they want to apease their community, their family, their beloveds. They want to apease themselves?

Fear is such a powerful emotion. Everyone - everything - feels it. It's what has kept us alive.

#rant post #thinking abt love and religion

[insidekaz]

Day 3: Part 2 of 2 - Meeting Some Expectations

So, based off of the list that I made earlier, how much did I manage to actually finish?

Well, I streamed a second time, a good ol' two hours of Pikmin (the Switch version, not the classic GameCube), got a decent amount of cleaning done. It really was only the kitchen and the main singular hallway in my house, but it was some cleaning. Personal writing? I haven't gotten to that yet. Might get to that tomorrow or Sunday. My t-shirt designs are done and live. I'll share a link here in a couple days or so when I make the announcement to my socials. Finally, working on D&D stuff is going to happen soon after this. I just need to finish some builds for a friend of mine and work on another NPC for my personal campaign I'm running, this one being a full Druid instead of being some mixture of classes.

All things considered, I got a good chunk of work done today.

Does this mean the blog is working? I'm...not really sure. It would be better to say that it's helping me hold myself accountable for plans I arrange for myself instead of being a place for me to express my thoughts on my actions about the day. I'm not saying that accountability is a bad thing. What I am saying, however, is that I don't want to be the only reason this blog exist. To the outside world, I'm just a guy talking about his day. From my perspective, I'm an idiot who needs to learn how to help himself before helping other people with their plans. I guess you could call it an addiction of sorts to just want to help those around me and put smile on their faces.

I know why I do it, so it's not a problem I'm choosing to ignore. The reason why my attitude is as such is to go against the teachings of mother. She tried to teach me - really drill it into my head - that people only survive in this world by being selfish and taking care of themselves first. Try as she must, I couldn't get past how the adults around me looked so miserable in their daily lives. They followed similar ideals as my mother, yet they didn't seem to be happy because of it. Since that day, I've made it my life's mission to make people smile whenever I can. This may also be the reason for my destructive optimism sometimes.

As the years have gone on, I've tried my best to keep the smile on my face. I'm 25 now, almost thirty, the world having rapidly changed since the days of young. I won't lie, I've been depressed for considerably long amount of time now, but I'm slowly finding my way back to those dreams that made me smile when I was younger.

Maybe that's what this blog is. It's me taking those old dreams and renewing them once more. We'll just see where this takes us.

Here's what I'm listening to today. Have a good day, and don't do anything stupid. If you do, name it after me.

#kameronkazma #kaz #insidekaz #nonbinary #asexual #the oh hellos #Youtube

[free--therapy]

hello! it's anon. since I've been worried and overthinking about OCD recently, i want to ask something about it.

while I'm at this, let me just ask this as well- is wanting to rationalise a compulsion? i mean, whenever an anxious thought pops up about anything, usually we rationalise which definitely helps. like if I get a anxious thought like "what if it's xyz disorder", i might tell myself all reasons as to why it's not and how it's just me overthinking. and i do this everytime that same thought pops up.

but I've also realised that if I get too caught up in it, it can lead to more anxious thoughts. so i feel what works best is not indulging that thought to begin with but simply telling myself "it's not true" but not rationalising and not giving that thought any attention seems weird sometimes. and rationalising does help me reach conclusions and to put that thought to rest so i rationalise as many times as required. then sometimes the anxiety just shifts to worry about something else but sometimes it also makes it worse by bringing up more worries related to that same worry.

so sometimes it seems repetitive especially because whenever a new worry pops up, you want to rationalise it right? and maybe do it whenever that worry keeps popping up. is that okay? i keep wondering.

so it helps gain a better counter thought but sometimes it doesn't. because I've realised that what works best is to not indulge to begin with and I've been trying to do that now. but still every time I get a new worry these days, i usually want to rationalise it for a peace of mind so I can get a clear perspective and so i can rid myself of the worry. does that count as a compulsion? or is it okay? am i just overthinking?

Rationalizing is exactly what you need to combat and challenge your negative thoughts, so you're on the right track! Often times anxiety and worries comes from our emotional mind, whereas the rationalizing is coming from the logical mind. The idea is to sort of combine the 2 in what is called the "wise" mind to help deal with your thoughts. But like you said, you can do it too much and then you're back in another anxious cycle because something you may have thought of has now triggered your emotional mind and now you're back over on that side. You have to find the right balance between the 2.

I wouldn't say not indulging in the thoughts is the right thing because you're actually just avoiding it when it needs to be confronted. Confronting your thoughts will help to keep them from coming back, and even if they do come back, you just keep confronting the thought until you don't even feel it's necessary to keep entertaining it.

#ask #answered #anon #anxiety #anxious thoughts

[macil]

Details & Being

I haven't posted too much as of late because I haven't felt the need. That is a good thing, but I also am being nudged to keep Ex Inanis alive and kicking this time. I know it helps.

I've been coming back into a sense of being with myself rather than in a semi-panic where I feel compelled to micromanage all the details. I have to remember that details = lowering of perspective = fixation = density = time = enduring = Nonsense.

If I haven't mentioned it before, schedules, todos and lists tend to be an indicator of stepping "out of being." You are becoming too fixated on appearances and reorganizing your expectations into them. You are not trusting or allowing. This disconnects us from inner guidance / higher insight.

If you do this for too long, your mind starts slipping back into binary/polarity thinking which slips further into all-out survival thinking, which then starts creating excessive thought & emotion. This is by design, because the thought & emotion is a guidance mechanism to get you to "lift out."

This isn't to say that we can't make use of schedules, todos and list, but to exercise caution in how we use them. They should never become informative -- they should never become so heavy that they become their own problems.

A caveat: If you are already "out of being", then some schedules, todos and list can be very helpful for "finding yourself" again, because if you are unable to connect to your being, then you can "substitute heart" through a commitment to a ritual or schedule. This is a "faking it until you make it" trick to finding that heart-centered place again.

This not for everyone, or most people, because the world feeds on time (what a surprise.) If you want to "break away", though, this is where you start.

NTS: I'll have to write a post about actual time -- like how clocks are everywhere -- and how this is part of the containment mechanism.

I wanted to put a little reminder here to myself about something I have noticed many times before. My thoughts & decision making process in the mornings and nights sucks. I try to pressure myself way too much in the morning and my mind wants to remove all the surprise from tomorrow at night time by making plans, leading to crappy sleep.

Mornings must be reserved for "waking up until functional" and nights are for "exclusively resting."

I have been noticing how at nights I let myself think and plan too much and have been practicing letting this go in favor of just resting. And I'm still dealing with some residual anxiety from the events of the last few months in the morning that seems to fade after a little while.

I can tell I'm being called to get more in tune with the natural cycles of the world.

Old wisdom, but once you can "catch" the thing you want to change -- once you can "observe" it -- then this is the beginning of letting it go. This is why my work is always about looking for these "invisibles" or "inbetweens."

It can be confusing wisdom because you will think you need to "change something", when in reality you just to need to "watch the thing go." You just have to ride the gap/buffer until it does. The observation -- the light -- burns it away -- opens the door for it to leave. Your heart "knows how to step around it." The true battle was just recognizing the thing (and having a good environment to not let it back in.)

#time #schedules #todos #lists #subjective idealism #esoteric #spiritual #personal #sleeping #being #density

[megablade]

ok so i love (!!) the direction quackity is taking with his character with the whole corruption arc and sympathy for the devil stuff but

at the same time it sucks to see some people taking c!quackity’s current actions to reaffirm the idea that he was “always a villain." because when he was trying to do everything right and see the best in people and chase justice, he was still seen as a villain by a lot of the fandom just because he ran against wilbur and tommy in the elections.

i’ve seen plenty of art depicting him taking joy in this tubbo’s execution by schlatt’s side, plenty of people thinking he still wants to execute ranboo, plenty of posts saying that he never struggled (my personal favorite, someone said that dream was more justified than quackity in his wrongdoings because he suffered in prison, while the only thing quackity ever went through was not getting invited to kinoko kingdom. i will Scream).

and now that he is actively doing things in the wrong, there are so many takes saying that’s how he’s always been since the beginning of the smp. that’s confirmation bias at its finest, i suppose

like im not a c!quackity apologist anymore, but if i see enough bad takes, i might regress back into one out of Pure Spite /j

of course, there are bad takes for all of the dsmp characters out there. but the whole point of "sympathy for the devil" rests on the idea that there is sympathy to begin with. and quackity’s storytelling has been extremely effective in creating that sympathy! so it’s a bit odd to me when people ignore canon to stay unsympathetic for his character in particular

you put it very nicely !! it's very surprising how many people are making analysis posts about quackity's character without having properly seen his earlier vods, because if the first few quackity lore streams you've properly seen is the las nevadas series, your perception of his character is going to be way skewed in comparison, so those are very bold moves, haha c!quackity's always been a morally gray character: it's easy to view him as someone who craves power, because it's true! his aspirations have repeatedly been kicked down and he's been treated like an outsider all throughout l'manberg and even manberg when he was working under schlatt's administration, and his solution to this was to finally get enough power that he wouldn’t get stepped over anymore. but i think that's the beauty of how his character was written, because even considering how most of his arcs are centered around wanting to get authority & power, quackity never cast aside his empathy for the places & people he cared about (although this has recently become debatable, i won't get into it now):

he refused to leave manberg because of his attachment to the country

but his breaking point was schlatt taking down the white house because it was the last good memory he had with tommy and wilbur

he resigned from new l'manberg because tubbo's ideals didn't match what quackity thought was right for the nation - but even then, they did not part of bad terms, with quackity giving tubbo his last pep talk

he came to fight for new l'manberg again on doomsday despite knowing that their chances of victory were small: he chose l'manberg and its people over and over and over again and he still lost it all - to the man that quackity thinks is the root of all problems: dream.

i feel like that’s why there are as many people who sympathize with him as there are—or at least understand his state of mind, if not sympathize.

and on the other hand, for the people who don’t sympathize, it’s weird to see how they decide to have collective amnesia for every arc before the disc confrontation when analyzing him but like you said, there are always going to be bad takes in fandom slkjfgf

#also as a disclaimer as Always this isnt justification for any of the things he's doing rn because as yall know my mantra is #abuse & trauma =/= justification for violence #but it does help put things into perspectives... also why i've been calling myself more of an enthusiast rather an apologist #because apologist doesn't really cover how i feel about him KDSJFGDG like mans fucked up i'm not Denying that #* #ask #anonymous #lore thoughts #thank u for sharing this was a great read !!

[trickfootpike]

OKAYOKAYOKAY now that i've had a few nights to Ruminate here are way too many thoughts from 9/16's show -- fair warning that they aren't *super* coherent as a lot of this i just tried to loosely organize from dms i threw at folks night-of, but it is most of what i remember sticking out to me!

GENERAL THOUGHTS --

last saw the show in august of 2019 - back then i saw it up in the mezzanine, this time i was 7 rows back dead center in the middle of the orchestra. watching the show from the mezzanine feels like a god's eye view of the show while sitting up close in the orchestra is much more like being in the world of men, and how it hits in hadestown particularly is just nuts bc you really do feel like you're on the factory floor.

back in the London production i remember eva playing eurydice with more youth and hope to her, and when the show came to Broadway eurydice hardened. in a world with a pandemic eva seems to have actually shifted this back! Eurydice is still holding tightly onto Orpheus Knowing that the world is unlikely to be kind enough to let them have each other for long but she starts off less faithless than she used to, I suppose I would describe it? she's definitely played more open with others from the beginning rather than having it be something she has to really work towards!

WAIT FOR ME IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT FEELING FROM THE ORCHESTRA THAN THE MEZZANINE AND NOT JUST THE LAMPS. the lamps really only swing out to over the first 2 rows, speaking very generously, anyway. what i remember being most impactful from last time was how the whole theater rumbled as the walls of the set split to reveal hadestown. what i couldn't see and afaik no boot's been able to pick up is the the set ALSO SPLITS AND STRETCHES OPEN AT THE TOP. that awning that covers the balcony lifts and the wall of hadestown is revealed to stretch floor to ceiling and it is just so much, so fucking much oh my god i could not stop hysterically blubbering to myself watching hadestown stretch open like it is absolutely here to devour you whole. it makes you feel the immensity of The Wall. I've linked ig videos of the set pre act 1 and post intermission to give like the best perspective on it i can and tried to film them so they were zoomed as closely as to what my eyes were seeing as I could, but here are also some pictures!

PRE ACT ONE

INTERMISSION

after our lady of the underground when eurydice comes back from hades' office and Persephone is finishing with her show, me being closer this time i was actually able to see amber's face during way down hadestown ii and flowers. and how she portrays seph's feelings re eurydice, it's like : genuine concern and watching over her when she first starts on the line, Quiet Seething and Jealous Rage as the fates' tattle "Hades put his hands on ya" that sticks for a While including the first half of flowers, but as soon as eurydice remembers the meadow her and Orpheus visited her heart just b r e a k s and you can see her wiping away tears. seph's just so caught in her own feelings of helplessness in hadestown. when hades tells her to stay out of him dealing with Orpheus all the fight just deflates out of her and the direct accusing look Orpheus gives her at the end of if it's true mixed with seeing his effect on the workers makes her physically rear back like she's gotten the fight slapped back into her

even with this audience who almost for sure has all seen ht before, there was still the loudest heartbroken gasp when orpheus turned. i know everyone calls this out but it still hit me hard that with a greater percentage of previous viewers in the audience it still hit us all like a fucking brick

and ofc. road to hell ii. it's a millions times more impactful than it already was what with the pandemic, making it through hard times and how they could be hard again but making the best of them even if it doesn't turn out well this time either. i was crying so hard last time but this time i was crying harder but also feeling like a huge weight was being like, very softly cradled in my chest to take some of the burden away

TOM'S HADES/HADES AND PERSEPHONE SPECIFIC THOUGHTS --

Tom's Hades whole tl;dr could be that Hades is a Performance. all those descriptions of him beign "jazzy" and "egodriven" are correct, but there is also this massive vibe he gives off that all his showmanship is there as a cover up for the very pessimistic man at the core of him. when him and persephone are getting along the jazziness is there for genuine playfulness with her, but apart from seph it is a purposeful exaggeration on hades' part to get Whatever it is that he wants. he is playing up aggression as king (see papers) and what he thinks as being suave (see hey little songbird) to maintain his throne and his marriage, and Epic III is the Destruction of that performance. Tom's Hades at the end of Epic III isn't trying to sell anyone anything, you just get to see the suddenly very scared and unsure heart of the man behind the performance of foreman and king. And oh boy is Tom's Hades at his heart unsure. He is so fucking pessimistic; back in Act 1 when Orpheus starts to sing Epic I he turns from Persephone even before she gets reminded of the world above and starts longing for it, because he already expects to see it coming and he doesn't turn back to her Ever Again, literally until he comes to get her in Way Down Hadestown. Not even when she gives him a kiss on the cheek goodbye. His Kiss, The Riot is him trying to figure out how the hell he's gonna be able to rebuild his performance after his whole kingdom saw through it, but he also ends it being so very certain that the deal he figures out for Orpheus Will end with Orpheus failing somehow. There is no doubt in this very pessimistic Hades that doubt will come in, whereas Patrick used the end of His Kiss The Riot almost like he was desperately trying to justify that his doubt came to him only in Persephone's absence

road to hell i: tom's hades loves cheering on the band so much he is Part Of The Problem that Hermes has to get to chill out and it makes so much sense for this jazzy dramatic motherfucker

balcony time (road to hell i until livin' it up on top): when they were upstairs playing dominoes they kept laying their tiles with these overexaggerated movements.. Like when they actually getting along they are so damn flirty and trying so hard to make each other smile and laugh and it is TOO CUTE

way down hadestown: Once Again "I missed ya" gives me no rest, mostly because Tom delivered it with this super coy and cocky grin and Amber immediately smiled back at him like Persephone couldn't help herself

chant i: is spent with him looking up proud into his creation while persephone is looking down with heartbreak and disgust seeing the workers as people in suffering and the ugliness of hadestown. as the song goes on he gets increasingly frustrated like a child who's super proud of the drawing he brought home from school that Persephone has nothing but terrible things to say about. when eurydice starts singing about her suffering seph throws out her arm and points to her like "see! See what you're doing!!" while hades is more in himself processing his disappointment, frustration, heartbreak, but over the next minute you start to see him Formulating A Plan as he watches eurydice. but he doesn't look entirely sold on going through with it until seph throws out her last verse in disgust. it was absolutely the straw that broke the camel's back.

hey little songbird: THO IT SOUNDS SO SEDUCTIVE ON AUDIO. OML DOES IT LEAN INTO EURYDICE'S "STRANGE MAN" DESCRIPTOR. HADES IS LIKE THE CREEPY SALESMAN ON THE CORNER WITH WATCHES AND A TRENCHCOAT. BUT HE'S SELLING HIS SHIT WELL, HE'S JUST ALSO A WEIRDO

Why We Build The Wall/"Behind Closed Doors": That followup on hades' threat when eurydice arrives in hadestown. as hades goes to the stairs he like not whacks, but definitely nudges seph's arm harder than Patrick does to get her attention. when he did she Startled and laid her hand over her arm where he'd tapped her like she was overwhelmed by just that touch........ but then she turns around and watches him take Eurydice up and when he opens his coat and she Realizes you see her whole body go slack. once eurydice goes past the office doors hades turns and lingers staring pointedly down at seph, for *seconds* whereas with patrick i remember it being more of a pointed glance. it drills home that hades is doing this specifically to spite seph and he wants her to know it. and you can see amber discreetly wipe her face before she turns back to "does anybody want a DRINK." there's less direct seduction between hades and eurydice but more explicit threat between hades and seph about eurydice

papers: actually isn't too much Bastärde as it is his Performance. HOWEVER, the way he directs the workers to beat Orpheus is chilling. Like patrick he hangs around, but he's watching until the last 10 seconds so it's way longer. And he makes like the smallest gestures with his hand to direct the workers to the different stages of beating Orpheus, fuck it was twisted

how long: how long actually starts with seph and hades seemingly coming to each other on a similar page - hades came out pensively fiddling with his wedding ring and Amber delivered "I know" like seph was already past the eurydice situation. this also could have been a product of time and seeing how actually little he did "seducing" eurydice lmao

chant ii: very much Hades Sees Orpheus As A Threat™️ (more on this further below) , also dare i say it but tom kills I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY

epic iii: oh man oh man. he looks so untouched until Orpheus starts the lalas and he goes from completely passive unimpressed face to like. his body unfolds on his stool and his hands go slack and he looked between Orpheus and Persephone when he asked where Orpheus had gotten his melody. he asked it a lot softer than I expected him too as well. a big part of the audience actually laughed when Hades sang his lala because Tom cracks his voice during it but it petered off into sniffling when they realized why and then we were all just crying together as persephone placed the flower in his vest.

lovers desire: SOME VERY CUTE STUFF. hades' performance is broken but tom's hades is still a Jazzy Jazzy Man at heart and they're like 100 times more playful with each other - they're both giggling and grinning their asses off while they dance together and give each other these like nudges to the next series of steps and it was adorable and I was discretely sobbing. they both played it like they knew how to do this dance with each other better than they knew anything, the little nudges were like..... them playing inside this dance they already knew so well? Like more overexaggeration to make each other laugh and just revel in this wonderful thing they've rediscovered- specifically I remember that Amber raised her skirt soooooo high when she was doing the curtsey and Tom was like waggling his eyebrows at her and adding extra flourishes with his hands and widening his eyes super big everytime he pulled off a move (the funniest ones were when they do like the two-step where they move one after another in sequence and he's copying her moves in reverse and oml it was just adorable). When Seph had the move where she pulls their linked arms over his head to tuck him into her I remember that was the one part where he wasn't doing this goofy act but his expression straight up melted and he looked so smitten. and when it's the last bit of the dance and he spins her across the stage, seph's face breaks open with tears his expression responds with like this mix of heartbreak and "ohhhhh no baby please don't cry" as he moved across the stage to quickly take her into his arms for the dip at the end

AFTER this when orphydice has finished promises and right before Orpheus turns to ask Hades if they can go, they come out of slow dancing to the side but are still super wrapped up in each other - seph wraps herself around one of his arms and presses herself super close and Tom leaned down with this little smile like Hades was gonna try and steal a quick kiss, but then he hears/sees out of the corner of his eye/senses or something Orpheus approaching and pulls himself up and formal to be the king. When he says I don't know and seph wrenches herself away from him to the other side of the stage to firmly stand behind Orphydice he gets this look of Extreme Frustration on that she's still not standing with him and these damn kids are still more important, bc even with character growth he still is a petty selfish bitch who does not like to share lmao, he's just getting that he Has To now

wait for me ii: Hades stays onstage by the microphone stand to the left to watch Hermes deliver his judgement to orphydice/seph/the workers and watching Tom during this was a Treat. this is the first time he's seeing how orphydice and esp Orpheus function when he's not involved to terrify them. they're so sweet and so good, and they have what looks like so much unwavering faith in each other unlike him and seph, maybe they really could... so when he delivers "i let them try" that last word is stretched with so much wonder. he's getting this first glimpse into feeling how everyone else felt when orpheus sang of how the world could be that isn't just focused in about how he feels about persephone, which always drives him - now he's having to deal with the Greater Implications and orpheus' seemingly unbreakable faith in a better world rocks him to his core. that certainty that orpheus would fail gets shaken as he watches them and when Seph asks him if he thinks they'll make it, his I Don't Know is 1/2 defensive and 1/2 actual uncertainty. he still hates to be wrong but he's wondering if his beliefs about doubt will turn out differently this time. he isn't optimistic about it by any means but orpheus, eurydice, and the workers' response to them both does give him pause

meanwhile in hades and persephone's section, on a personal level they deliver their lines to each other like they're a great deal more nervous about what next fall will bring than i've seen and heard before - something I'm thinking stems from hades' worldview being so suddenly shaken and seph too being a little more vulnerable?

MISC THOUGHTS

Tom seems to be leaning into Hades not having done anything with Eurydice other than tempt her down - once she's in Hadestown even during Why We Build The Wall he drops the salesman croon entirely and when he does rarely speak to her/about her it's commanding as a king who sees her just as another object under his possession, with very little interest in her for anything at all beyond that. he was just going after the goal of making sure Seph knew he had Options whether or not he actually pursued them

tom is super dedicated to how power-hungry hades is. I remember when I saw Patrick during chant ii he was playing hades as more affected by how much seph seemed to care about the workers now and desperately trying to get her attention back (even negatively), Tom was more consumed in seeing Orpheus as a threat because of how effectively he had turned his "children" on him. He knocks Seph down in those "shackle her from wrist to wrist" less as a personal petty attack to her like Patrick does and more like to try and destabilize her as someone backing Orpheus up. Tom's Hades perceives Orpheus as a Threat no matter how much he plays up his Performance as Nonchalant Jazzy King. he really emphasizes Hades' relationship to Orpheus whereas Patrick played more into his relationship with Eurydice, which makes so much sense what with Tom's Hades being a pettier more egotistical messy bitch obsessed with his kingdom and Patrick's Hades' obsession being his wife and Hadestown being like, this side-effect of being a god that he just couldn't help, he Had to build and strive for power whereas Tom's Hades reveled in it and wanted it. Instinct versus drive I guess. one of my buds put it super well as: "Patrick!Hades sees everything as a threat to his power Tom!Hades is so certain of his power that he can afford to be somewhat nonchalant but the fact that Orpheus alone is his main genuine threat is fucking brilliant"

and ok for now, that's what I've got! if anyone wants any clarification or wants to ask details about specific moments I didn't put in here feel free to shoot me an ask!

#hadestown #em speaks #theater #tom hewitt