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sharonisthebettercarter · 5 months

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Honestly, kimiko should just rebel, follow her own rules and kicks Billy's ass because losing her arm to Zoey could mean the boys is no better than the shining light of liberation because wtf is she doing trying to kidnap a child (Zoe) from her parent? She's no better than the people who kidnapped her and kenji and she's no better than Billy either! Plus, there is a scene of kimiko jumping out the window, holding her injury. So, it must means she's going to possibly going to tell Billy to tell him to shod off and go live her own life; Get some modicum of peace with Frenchie maybe.

honestly? yeah.

and i wish i wish i wish, BUTT. sadly kimiko's got her own complexes and things she doesn't understand due to the way she was... well... stolen from her family and forced to be a soldier.

she's in survival mode, she is almost always in survival mode. she's been treated as a weapon and tends to act as a weapon because she had her humanity robbed from her. in some ways, her situation has a lot of depths that make her very similar to homelander in these regards

except~ kimiko is actually horrified of what she's capable of and what her 'survival mode' and 'weaponization' end up doing (most of the time). and the thing was, she *initially* blamed the v for it, but the underlying cause is her unaddressed *trauma* that puts her in survival mode in the first place (hence why she came to terms with it *sorta* and asked annie to get her the v again, realizing that v itself was a *tool* that she could use to protect the people she cares about).

the boys is no better than shining light *BECAUSE* of butcher. all of them want better and to do better and actually help. frenchie, kimiko, annie, hughie, mm, even mallory--

except butcher.

butcher just wants destruction, and he doesn't care what the cost is and is willing to sacrifice others or use them like pawns or weapons to get what he wants. he ends up being an especially frustrating character because you know that he has these valid grievances and plights and *could* actually do the right thing and give a shit about other people.

but he doesn't. especially the people who actually help him. he treats kimiko and starlight especially, but even his team, like GARBAGE~ with absolutely ZERO excuses for it

and even worse than that, he *uses* these plights as a means to garner sympathy and hide from any criticism for what he does like the gotdamn fucking daddy issues coward he is. he uses his own trauma legit in all the wrong worst ways possible not just to control and manipulate others, but as an excuse to be his absolute worst self and continue spiraling into all that hatred and self loathing.

AND it works!! people are more likely to excuse everything that butcher does! there's a part of me that blames fandom misogyny (for the mistreatment to our precious lady supes) at least a lil, but i also think it's in part to the story being told a good chunk from butcher's *side* of things, but the whole point is that butcher gets *proven wrong*. he is wrong from the start and is a massive fucking hypocrite, and the reader/viewer is supposed to come to this realization as the story unfolds and reveals more about him.

don't even get me started on the chaos in fandom right now, it's a fuckin' mess post gen v. i CAN NOT with the genocide apologism--

BUTCHER AND SHETTY AND CATE ARE ALL FUCKIN' WRONG--.

ANYWHO.

homelander, to some degree has some similar issues. except he's *not* self aware about the fact. he's also battling a different demon with the subconscious thought that he is wholly *unloveable* (which is why he is incapable of recognizing vought as his abuser and still seeks approval and admiration from those around him. he is seeking the means to love himself without realizing he can't actually learn to do that through others)

homelander is also easily manipulated, as to some degrees, is kimiko. hence where scumbag extraordinaire billy butcher comes in. butcher is slowly dragging down homelander to his fucked up level. kimiko and the boys are resisting because they are seeing through butcher's nonsense and dishonesty for once

hard agree that going after zoe isn't just a bad wrong stupid move, it is fucked beyond belief because when you get to the point when you start targetting actual fucking *CHILDREN*--.

there is no excuse for that. ever. EVER. that is why we have the geneva conventions, and yeah. butcher MAKES the boys leik actual fucking terrorists, but that is kinda the point ain't it?

i'm still hoping it's at least *kinda* a raw deal/wrong place, wrong time kinda thing where zoe is there but they weren't actually going after *her* specifically or that butcher withheld certain details/claimed they'd be *saving* her just to get his team on board (as per typical butcher fashion. UGH), but i mean... kidnapping a kid def ain't something butcher wouldn't lower himself to doing.

boi gets worse every season and he started out pretty damn bad.

but BOI, am i lookin' forward to the HELL to come~<3<3<3 ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

#yeah #valid #kimiko miyashiro #homelander #billy butcher #the boys amazon #the boys tv #meta #the boys meta #wistful wishing #but #we're in for ride~<3 #i look forward to it

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nympippi · 1 year

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warning for unnecessarily long ask ahead but 100% yes on the "robin trying to find dignity in dying" thing he does not want to accept that his death was that far out of his control. we wants to believe that he had some influence in the matter, like that he could have survived but just made some kind of stupid preventable misstep somewhere

i've also always entertained the idea that maybe later down the line, after the events of the movie, he might try to find some false reassurance in his fate by being like "well, i had to be down there to give finn the nudge he needed. if i hadn't been taken in the first place, he'd be dead, and the grabber would keep killing. it just had to end that way. it had to." <- desperately trying to deny that it could've gone any other way because if so then he suffered for no reason and had no agency or choice and nothing can be done to fix it and he'll never get to grow up and make his dad proud and-

nope. he can't let himself think about that. it's... too much.

my friend tommy and i were once talking abt robin and they said "he wanted to be more than just a tragedy but now that's all he'll ever get the chance to be" and i immediately wanted to strangle them that line has STUCK with me it's so accurate and it makes me so sad

but i can imagine having been given a chance to actually live, that mindset wouldn't stick quite as hard, since now that he's alive and can feel more willing to entertain certain scenarios, he'd think about how finn was able to kill the grabber and he'd think Fuck... Why couldn't that have been me. Why couldn't i have done that instead. If he could do it why shouldn't i have been able to. WHICH leads him into hardcore blaming himself for his own death and finney being kidnapped in the first place

he doesn't want to delve too far into self pity and just... dwell on that, because he's alive! he's fucking alive! he needs to get his shit together and move on, right? he can't waste this second chance. not now that he has it, when he thought he'd never have a shot at it!

but... god. he just can't help it sometimes. just zoning out and imagining alternate scenarios where he gets the upper hand and bludgeons the grabber's head with that fucking phone so hard that his face doesn't even look like a face anymore. he gets wrapped up in the violence of it a lot. wishing a million times worse his own fate on the man who's already received his comeuppance. although, to robin, it really didn't seem harsh enough.

he wishes they could've gotten knives involved. kill the fucker with his own axe, actually. no- chainsaws. How could he have possibly accessed a chainsaw in those circumstances? it doesn't fucking matter because imagining that monster under the whirring blade is cathartic as hell and robin loves it. if you asked him, (and he'd be lying,) that's the only "coping mechanism" he'll ever need.

...i didn't actually mean to go off on that tangent about the grabber dying brutally and sometimes whenever i do that i feel like i got possessed by the spirit of robin for a second but like yeah do ya get me

I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, I want to pick apart your brain because your Robin takes and headcannons are so frickin good!!!

Like yes, I get it. Robin would have those moments of fantasies of what if he was the one to never die, what if he was the one to kill the grabber and not Finn. He would get swept up in the violence of it all because that’s his own fucking abuser, a man who canonically sexually assaulted him why wouldn’t he want to turn his face into a puddle of brains and blood. He will never get that chance of revenge both dying and coming back, and I think sometimes those thoughts scare him because of how violent they actually are.

Just this. I’m taking this and shaking it by the neck like a goose my god.

Also how dare your friend say that, expect my therapy bill by the end of next month, how dare, how dare!!

#pippi speaks #the black phone fandom #the black phone #tbp robin #and like yeah Robin thinking about how he absolutely could’ve killed the grabber because he is the strong one. the one everyone sees as #strong. he’s the one Finn looks to for courage and strength #but somehow he was the one to become a victim #Robin physically cannot think about his death and him being a victim because to admit he was a victim was to admit defeat #and that he lost.#once again tying back into the dying with dignity #i frickin love your asks they are so interesting to me because it never misses MY GOD

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d0ntw0rrybehappy · 11 months

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journallllll 5/21

now that i’m moving out it’s gonna be harder to see my mom cause i’m further away and she’s gonna be sooo sad. i worry about my mom bc inside she is the world’s most lovable sweetest well-meaning person but she has less self-awareness/emotional control than most people so people judge her rly hard. i always want to be like guys just roll your eyes and let it go and let her know she is loved, she just has some weird kind of like, specific mom dementia/brain glitch, and deep down you KNOW this so lay off. there are so few people my mom lets in or will actually listen to. she was this kid runaway who built a life for herself in the art world copping designer clothes and flying to paree like a fucking pirate and then she had me instead of getting married and i’m one of the like MAYBE 3 people she actually likes. lol. nails & teeth metaphor “you’re the only one she’ll listen to” or “you’re the only one who can talk to her.” i miss her friend jaime who was an indubitably brilliant depressive semitic russian translator who never once judged my mom and they had this kind of relationship where they’d lie feet-to-head on a couch and just chat chat chat. she was my favorite of my mom’s friends. she died from cancer and self-neglect basically. bullshit. shauna’s friend alex reminded me of her the last night and i was like ugh i miss jaime. i wish my mom still had jaime!!! what am i gonna do? i have to have my own life but i have to protect my mom. stupid WASPs be like “you can’t take on your moms problems” shut the fuck up WASP you don’t know shit. other kids be rolling their moms around in wheel chairs and don’t complain you piece of individualist propaganda. nails & teeth metaphor the ignominious but resolute fighter (the progeny) lol.

so anyway this isn’t a post about my mom this is a post about henry cuz then i remembered henry lives on the west side like my mom. henry whom i’ve been on two dates with and have a major crush on. not a normal crush, a “oh you’re about to buy a horse son” level crush. and i imagined when i come to the west side, henry joining me for dinner on the days i visit my mom. not because that sounded like oh so much fun to him but because it was a way for us to spend time together. there are ppl who are married who do that kind of stuff for each other. it made me want to cry bc that would mean so much to me. this is fantasy henry not real henry but probably he would. i’ve only been on two dates with him and everyone is like avaaaaa don’t have too many expectations and like I KNOW i know i’m in it like ?? what’s the phrase? in it like jarvin? lol. besides if he dumped me i would DESERVE IT!!! i got fuckin’ KARMA to pay baby i broke more than a couple hearts the past couple years THIS IS WHAT THEY FELT LIKE?!? THEY FELT LIKE THIS?!?!?? wow FUCK

um but yeah obviously i would survive and if we break up it’s cause we’re not a match and there’s nothing *wrong* with me, duh, duhhhhh, totally notttttt a completely unhinged and slightly unhygienic individual, plus now i know what to look for - kind!!! stable!!! people!!! people i have a lot in common with!!! smart!!! part of the same world as me!!! people with a vision, a goal, passions!!! who take care of themselves!!! okay there’s gotta be lots of guys like that. so if it’s not henry FINE. but guyssssss guys i could actually see a future with him wtf was i doing before??? wowww i played so many games without realizing.

anyway so we’ve only been on 2 dates so far but i am fully smitten with him (with spells of crushing doubt) and if one more person tells me to play it cool and not have expectations i WILL bite bc bitch I KNOW can you give me SOME OTHER KIND OF ADVICE PLS i have obviously not TOLD him any of this so stop putting more pressure on me to act or feel a certain way trust me I GET IT. and i think it’s dumb this is the advice given to women anyway.

also i’m going to europe probably for an entire month and as long as i don’t lose my job i’m gonna have a fucking amazing summer. losing job doesn’t seem that plausible, however, terrifying thought, bc i’m on my own now and need the moolah. and was a little uneven the past few months but that’s just a learning lesson ig. plus there’s always more jobs. right??? right. *sailor moon handhold sparkle fx*

ok thanks for being witnesses to my online diary my friends anxietyposting on here actually kind of helps, really excited for the future, it’s amazing that i’m getting these opportunities and the reason i’m so anxious is bc i care and i have something to lose. !

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harmcityherald · 2 years

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today was my last day of radiation treatments. Now, I have to wait a month to when they will do a cat scan and see if anything is growing back. I can't quite claim victory yet, but it sure does feel like a milestone. I honestly feel funny about it, in a way, I don't want to stop. Going every day down to the hospital and doing something constructive toward getting better has given me some structure not to mention the comradery with the nurses and doctors. I will strangely miss it all. Its up to me now to carry on alone, to not pick up cigars or cigarettes, to eat right and try to squeeze some more years out of this peach called life. I feel like making some phone calls to all the nay-sayers and butt-holes who were so obviously waiting for me to croak. "That's right, sphincter-breath, I'm gonna live. Inoright!! great news, ain't it?! See? I told you Ima outlive you! Oooooh yeah, you're sooo welcome. you have a peachy day now." Its still sad to me that there are people, mostly family, if I may loosely use that term of endearment, that actually would and did wish that on me. its sad when people fill themselves with greed or spite or hatred or whatever. But, you can't control what other people do or feel so you just gotta press on and move forward confident in your own self and the way YOU approach life. Let people make their own karma, you are going to be plenty busy building your own. Remember what Ive been saying about positive thinking. Its one of the biggest lessons Ive learned through this. Thank you for it Dr. Yoshi! His lesson will stay with me for life. it was just after my stomach operation, I was in despair. crying my eyes out, shuffling through the empty hall. Dr. Yoshi came and said to me "Do you see all these people? lying in their beds, refusing to get up? I know they can move, they can walk but they just will not do it. They have heard the word cancer and have already decided its a death sentence. they crawl in bed and they don't come back. look at you Mr Maxwell, you are here walking, already half way there, you are already fighting the good fight." I looked at that empty hall and realized the truth of what he was telling me. I kept on going and I never looked back. That day, I changed from 'am I going to survive?' to 'I am absolutely going to survive!' and I can't help but think that this is my secret weapon against the cancer monster. today I crossed a threshold. I finished yet another step on my road to recovery. It is the first day of the rest of my life. All this has been nothing but a speed bump. I came home and got to cooking. perhaps I will do some puttering in the garden, who knows. Either way, it is a great day. Sunny and nice and with a hint of excitement. Never waste another second of it.

#stomach cancer #cancer #radiation therapy #positive thinking

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importdnt-thoughts · 4 months

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heyo

it's 2023. i just rediscovered this blog keke. i think my last post is about zoe. o_o

i'm learning how to be more positive about my life. i'm learning how i can shape my reality with my thoughts. generally i'm a pretty positive person. i am also easily influenced by others' emotions.

this year was great! i learned to love myself again. it's really a wonderful feeling. and turns out i had nothing to lose. i thought i'd start feeling bad about my past self but i don't. as in my 2021-2022 self. if anything i just feel impressed. i survived that. keke.

tomorrow i'm going to a rave with amanda and pauline.

the other day i hung out with lauren and hillary.

feels like my life is piecing together.

i have very few belongings now. or at least i'm slowly approaching that state.

i just played fortnite in my family's upstairs family room. i never really got to play console games growing up, that was more of my brother's thing. unless we were playing co-op games. then i learned to love console games right after i graduated playing with mitas and james. it felt like we were college roommates haha. good times.

then when i lived on my own + with lauren i fell in love with having my own ps4. playing black ops 4 and assassin's creed all day XP what a life. i'm a bit over those games now. i don't think i'll 100% assassin's creed. the game mechanics feel old to me now. i'll probably return to bo4 now and then. i really like the game mechanics. now i'm pretty into fortnite. it feels way more social. you can dance and buy skins and stuff to express yourself. you can also party up with friends in battle royale. my hope is to play with amanda one day, when the environment is right. idk if my family's shared space is right for that. maybe if/when i have a tv in my own space. but i keep thinking should i even have a tv in my own space? i associate that with unhealthy habits, like laying in bed for reasons other than sleeping. i almost just want a gaming room with pauline haha.

the past week i've been thinking a lot about where i want to live. i even considered living here full-time. but i change my mind. morning snuggles with p are a big part of my day xP

i wonder if it would've been better to just stay at my apartment. see? there i go again dwelling on past decisions and feeling terrible about myself. it's a really harmful habit that i wish to break. i think that should be my new years resolution: follow through with my decisions, fully and whole-heartedly. <3

in this case, i made the decision to return to my parents' to spend time with hillary and lauren, drop things off, and spend more time with family. i definitely achieved those goals.

now my next desire/expectation is to go to tomorrow's event and have fun! that's it. i will expect nothing else from the rest of the day. :P well, i have been enjoying my little routine though. i go downstairs and get coffee, then i come upstairs and do a bit of computer work, which currently is just lots of reflecting and planning. then i go on a neighborhood stroll, maybe stopping by ruskin for some playtime. then i have lunch with family. after lunch is kinda not routine yet. but that's okay. still figuring stuff out.

as i type this out i feel 14-15

i used to rant about my dad a lot on my tumblr.

recently i love my father. i see him as very human. i see him as very lovable. flawed, yes, but lovable all the same. he has a gentle heart and a strong mind. i think he has loved me as best as he could. i think there were moments where we had conflict. that's normal in any relationship...

teenage years also remind me of track. i was so happy then, actually. despite being under some form of emotional control by an SA/emotional manipulator, i loved my friends and they loved me. i felt strong and smart. i felt loved by my mom, and sometimes also my dad. i wrestled a lot with being queer. which i now theorize is just my autism actually.

oh yeah. that might be one of the biggest changes i'm facing. my identity. i think i'm autistic.

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zuko-always-lies · 3 years

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Unpopular Opinion: Zuko’s treatment of Mai is deeply toxic.

Mai is a character who is often maligned in the fandom, with it even occasionally being claimed that she was “abusive” toward Zuko. Any objective analysis of Mai’s behavior in her relationship with Zuko will instead find that she was, in fact, a shockingly good romantic partner, generally treating Zuko very well and being loyal to him far beyond reasonable expectation. Claims that Mai behaved toxically toward Zuko seem to be instead founded in misogynistic expectations that women be perfect caretakers for the men in their lives.

That is not to say that the Zuko-Mai relationship isn’t still deeply toxic. However, its toxicity stems from the manner which Zuko badly mistreats Mai, often in ways which devalue her. Much more under the cut.

Our story begins in the first half of Book 3. The vast majority of episodes there don’t show anything particularly toxic going on in the relationship. The most you can say is that they suggest that Zuko tends to dump his problems on others and doesn’t have best understanding of his girlfriend.

However, inevitably we must turn to “The Beach,” the episode which, by far, gets the most into the Zuko-Mai relationship. To say that Zuko doesn’t behave well toward Mai in this episode would be an understatement. I don’t speak here of Zuko’s unsuccessful attempts to please Mai early in the episode, but instead how badly he starts treating her beginning at the party:

Ruon Jian: Hey, first ones here, huh? Zuko: (cut to shot of Zuko and Mai walking side by side) Pft. He thinks he's so great. (to Mai) Well, what do you think of him? (they stop walking) Mai: I don't have any opinion about him. I hardly know him. Zuko: You like him, don't you? (Mai sighs and walks away, as Zuko looks angrily in the direction of Ruon Jian. The camera zooms in on Ruon Jian)

And

(Cut to shot of Ruon Jian leaning over Mai. Zuko rushes toward them angrily and pushes Ruon Jian away from her. Cut to shot of Ruon Jian straightening his hair.) Ruon Jian: Whoa. What are you doing? Zuko: (close-up shot of Zuko, angry) Stop talking to my girlfriend! Ruon Jian: (Ruon Jian approaches Zuko) Relax, it's just a party. (Zuko pushes Ruon Jian hard, sending him flying across the room, breaking a giant vase.) Mai: (Mai stands up and grabs Zuko's shoulder. He turns towards her.) Zuko, what is wrong with you?! Zuko: What's wrong with me?! Mai: (angrily) Your temper's out of control. You blow up over every little thing. You're so impatient and hot-headed and angry. Zuko: Well, at least I feel something...as opposed to you. You have no passion for anything. (raising his arms is the air) You're just a big "blah". Mai: (turning away from him) It's over, Zuko. We're done.

And:

(Zuko follows her and the camera pans down to the handprint, left alone on the porch. Cut to wide view of the camera panning down Ember Island Beach. Zuko and Azula are walking side by side toward Mai and Ty Lee. Close shot of Zuko looking toward Mai and then looking away. Close shot of Mai looking angry and a bit sad.) Mai: Hey... (Interrupted) Zuko: (close shot of Zuko) Where's your new boyfriend? (Mai turns away angrily. Zuko comes and sits next to her) Are you cold? (he puts his arm around her, but she slaps it away)

Zuko is acting in a massively controlling fashion toward Mai, motivated by his violent and rage-filled jealously. She literally can’t talk to a boy without Zuko flying into a jealous rage, trying to separate her from the person she’s talking to, and accusing her of emotional infidelity. In real life, this is considered a warning sign for an abusive relationship(although I don’t think Zuko has crossed the line into abusive yet).

“The Beach” also gives us this:

Mai: Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't be as high-strung and crazy as the rest of you. (Cut to over-head shot of the four teens. Zuko walks closer to the fire and Mai.) Zuko: I'm sorry, too. I wish you would be high-strung and crazy for once, (Close shot of Mai looking away and Zuko standing over her) instead of keeping all your feelings bottled up inside. She just called your aura dingy. Are you gonna take that?

Zuko tries to provoke Mai into having a fight with her best friend Ty Lee just so he can watch her express strong emotions. Zuko very much wants to Mai to be and act like someone she’s not, which has its own issues.

Overall, Zuko treats Mai quite poorly in “The Beach.” The episode ends with this:

Mai: I know one thing I care about... (Cut to shot of Mai smiling at Zuko) I care about you. (Mai and Zuko kiss. Azula claps, causing them to separate and turn toward Azula. The camera pans left to include her.)

Mai forgives Zuko and accepts him back without him acknowledging his behavior was wrong, apologizing for it, or giving her any guarantee that he will treat her better in the future. That’s unfortunate, as Zuko soon ends up treating her far, far worse than he ever did in this episode.

Zuko’s disregard for Mai cumulates with the manner he commits treason on the Day of Black Sun. Let us start our understanding of what he did wrong from the beginning. Breaking up with Mai via a letter which didn’t give her a real explanation was a real asshole move, but it’s not at the core of what he did wrong. For that, we need to turn to this conversation from “The Headband”:

Zuko: Can't you see we're busy? (He and Mai resume their "business".) Azula: (not to be put off) Oh, Mai... Ty Lee needs your help untangling her braid. Mai: (complaisantly) Sounds pretty serious. (She gets up and leaves. Walking past Azula, towards the camera, she shoots the princess a quick, poisonous glance behind her back.) Azula: So...I hear you've been to visit your Uncle Fatso in the prison tower. Zuko: (standing, incensed) That guard told you. Azula: (smugly) No, you did. Just now. Zuko: (sitting back down) Okay, you caught me. What is it that you want, Azula? Azula: (solicitiously) Actually, nothing. Believe it or not, I'm looking out for you. If people find out you've been to see Uncle, they'll think you're plotting with him. Just be careful, dum-dum.

Zuko has proven his loyalty to the Fire Nation beyond doubt, yet Azula is still very worried that him spending time with Iroh will get him accused of treason, because having a close association with traitors puts oneself under almost automatic suspicion of treason.

“Day of Black Sun, Part II”:

Zuko: First of all, in Ba Sing Se, it was Azula who took down the Avatar, not me. Fire Lord Ozai: Why would she lie to me about that? Zuko: Because the Avatar is not dead. He survived. Fire Lord Ozai: (alarmed) What?!

Zuko deliberately throws Azula under the bus, hurting her and reducing her status with Ozai as much possible while effectively accusing her of deliberately committing treason. He also deliberately pisses off Ozai as much as possible.

So where does this leave us? Mai is Zuko’s known girlfriend and extremely close associate. Automatically, the suspicion of knowing of Zuko’s treason ahead of time or being involved falls upon her. She’s in grave risk of being imprisoned, tortured, or executed, especially since Ozai seems not the type to be strictly concerned with ensuring those he punishes are guilty beyond reasonable doubt. The Fire Nation seems like a society which might have collective punishment(as historical East Asian societies, Nazi Germany, and the Stalinist Soviet Union did), and Mai might be under risk from that direction. Finally, Ozai might hurt her simply as way of retaliating against Zuko.

Normally Azula would almost certainly be able to protect her friend, even under these trying circumstances, given Azula’s prestige and accomplishments. However, Zuko has deliberately undermined Azula as much as possible and effectively accused her of committing treason herself, dramatically reducing the probability that she will be able to protect Mai. In fact, Mai stands risk of being accused of being involved in Azula’s effort to “conceal the fact that the Avatar survived,” given Mai’s close association with Azula and her close involvement in the events where the Avatar “died.” She’s thus under danger from two different directions.

“But Zuko had to betray his father and become good through aiding Team Avatar.” Yes, it’s a good thing he did so. But Zuko had other options than the course he adopted. He could have avoided confronting Ozai at all and instead focused on rescuing Iroh(interesting AU idea right here). He could have confronted Ozai but not thrown Azula under the bus, and that alone would have vastly reduced the risk to Mai(and also made Zuko out to be a better person, because deliberately throwing your younger sister under the bus and then abandoning her to the mercy of your abusive father is not a good look). Zuko could have killed Ozai right then and there during the eclipse. He even could have tried to lead Team Avatar to the bunker and tried to end the war right then and there.

“Zuko didn’t understand that he was placing Mai in danger.” Quite possible, but Zuko being so self-centered that he is unable of understanding that his actions can have negative effects on other people is a mark against him, not for him.

Now we turn to the Zuko’s behavior toward Mai in the rest of the third season. Let us start with “The Boiling Rock, Part 1”:

Sokka: (emphatically) I think your Uncle would be proud of you. Leaving your home to come help us, that's hard. Zuko: It wasn't that hard. Sokka: (Cut to a side view of the basket) Really? You didn't leave behind anyone you cared about? Zuko: Well I did have a girlfriend. Mai. Sokka: (He goes closer to Zuko with a surprised look on his face) That gloomy girl who sighs a lot? Zuko: (Cut back to show Zuko grinning goofily) Yeah. (his face turns serious) Everyone in the Fire Nation thinks I'm a traitor. I couldn't drag her into it. Sokka: (Cut back to Sokka who leans back on the basket) My first girlfriend turned into the Moon. Zuko: (looks up) That's rough buddy

There are two things to unpack here. First, Zuko claims he “couldn’t drag her into it,” yet he already did, as I’ve illustrated above. Second, Zuko seems to expect that Mai would have followed him into treason if he asked her, that she would be willing to betray her nation, ideology, family, and friends just for the sake of her love for him. That’s an insane and pretty toxic expectation for Zuko to have for her relationship with him, especially since he wouldn’t do the same for her.

We also get more confirmation that Zuko doesn’t care at all about Ty Lee or Azula.

I don’t have a lot to say about the Zuko-Mai conversation during Boiling Rock, Part 2. The only things I would like to note are that Zuko is not very sorry for what he did, not very empathetic toward Mai’s pain, and doesn’t give Mai a real apology for his actions.

Of course, Mai proceeds to save Zuko’s life through committing treason in front of dozens of witnesses at Boiling Rock, something which places her own life in serous jeopardy. How does Zuko react to this?

Zuko: (Cut to a shocked Zuko) It's Mai. Azula: (Cut to a furious Azula) What is she doing?! (Cut to the backs of Azula and Ty Lee as Ty Lee shrugs and makes a "I don't know" noise. Cut to the gondola as it reaches the outer part of the crater. Cut to the inside of the entrance tower as the door opens and Suki rushes out followed by Sokka, Zuko, Hakoda and Chit Sang. Hakoda turns towards Chit Sang and points to the inside of the gondola. Chit Sang proceeds to throw the warden back in.) Hakoda: (Cut to the back of Hakoda's head looking at the warden lying on the floor) Sorry Warden, your record is officially broken. (Hakoda walks off screen while the warden continues to struggle on the floor. Cut to a front shot of the group as they run up a rocky incline.) Suki: Well, we made it out. Now what? Sokka: (Sokka stops and looks back at Zuko who pauses in his tracks, thinking) Zuko, what are you doing? Zuko: My sister was on that island. Sokka: Yeah and she's probably right behind us. So let's not stop. Zuko: What I mean is she must have come here somehow. (He runs to the edge of the rocks and looks down) There. (Cut to an area looking up at the edge of the cliff) That's our way out of here. (Camera pans down to reveal a Fire Nation zeppelin docked at the shore.

Zuko says Mai’s name once and then abandons her (to die?) with zero hesitation. This is probably objectively the correct decision. It would probably be extremely difficult and dangerous if not outright impossible to save Mai. The prison-break crew do have access to an airship, but it’s difficult to fly an airship over the lake’s thermals.

Yet that’s not my point. Zuko abandons Mai with zero hesitation, with zero anguish, with zero angst. He doesn’t even to seem consider the possibility that he should save her. Something tells me if Iroh had just saved Zuko’s life under identical circumstances and then was in imminent risk of harm, Zuko would act very differently, that Sokka, Suki, and Hakoda would have to drag him off that island.

Zuko’s complete disregard for Mai continues for the rest the series. Remember this exchange from “The Cave of Two Lovers”?

Zuko: (losing his patience) We're not taking any more chances with these plants! We need to get help. Iroh: But where are we going to go? We're enemies of the Earth Kingdom, and fugitives from the Fire Nation. Zuko: (musingly) If the Earth Kingdom, discovers us, they'll have us killed. Iroh: But if the Fire Nation discovers us, we'll be turned over to Azula.

Zuko considers being captured by Azula a worse fate than death!

But do we see Zuko worry once about Mai’s fate? Do we see angst about what might have happened to her? Do we see him make any effort to even discover her fate, much less rescue her?

No. In fact, Zuko launches a sophisticated operation to infiltrate a Fire Nation information center so that he can gain intelligence in order to help Katara murder someone so that she’ll like him, but he doesn’t even consider doing the same to find out about Mai’s fate so that he could potentially rescue her. Zuko doesn’t even mention Mai once after Boiling Rock until the very end of the series finale, even though she sacrificed herself to save him. Remember this exchange(“Sozin’s Comet, Part 3”):

Zuko: Sorry, but you're not going to become Fire Lord today. (jumps off Appa) I am. Azula: (laughs) You're hilarious. Katara: (standing beside Zuko) And you're going down. (The fire sage motions to crown Azula, but she raises her hand, signalling him to stop.) Azula: Wait. You want to be Fire Lord Fine. Let's settle this. Just you and me, brother. The showdown that was always meant to be. Agni Kai! Zuko: You're on. (Katara turns to Zuko, surprised. Cut to a close up of Azula's lips as the curls into a smile. Cut back to Katara and Zuko.) Katara: What are you doing? She's playing you. She knows she can't take us both so she is trying to separate us. Zuko: I know. But I can take her this time. Katara: But even you admitted to your Uncle that you would need help facing Azula. Zuko: There's something off about her, I can't explain it but she's slipping. And this way, no one else has to get hurt. (Fade to a shot of the courtyard from the side. The camera pans from Zuko kneeling on the right end to Azula kneeling on the left end. Cut to a shot of Zuko rising and turning around, then cut to a shot of Azula rising. Each can be seen behind the other. Cut to a shot of Azula from the front turning and removing the Fire Lord robes.) Azula: I'm sorry it has to end this way, brother. Zuko: (in his stance) No, you're not.

Notice something? Zuko doesn’t demand to know what happened to Mai! It’s almost like he forgot she existed!

Now we turn to the final infamous exchange(“Sozin’s Comet, Part 4”):

Mai:(off screen) You need some help with that? (He looks up surprised and moves aside to reveal Mai leaning against the doorway. Cut to a close up of Mai as she walks towards Zuko.) Zuko: (Cut to a delighted Zuko) Mai! (Walks off screen) You're ok. (Cut to an area behind Mai's back as Zuko opens his arms out in a hug) They let you out of prison? (Mai walks behind Zuko and lifts up his empty robe sleeve.) Mai: My uncle (Zuko puts his arms through the sleeve) pulled some strings, (she proceeds to fasten his robe) and it doesn't hurt when the new Fire Lord is your boyfriend. (She walks in front of Zuko and places a hand on his chest) Zuko: So does this mean you don't hate me anymore? Mai: (she blushes) I think it means... (Cut to a close up of the couple) I actually (places a hand on Zuko's cheek) kind of like you. (They lean in for a kiss and part a fewseconds later, looking into each other's eyes happily) But don't ever (She jabs a finger into Zuko's shoulder and Zuko's eye traces the movement of her finger) break up (She lifts her finger into the air and Zuko's eyes still follows it) with me again. (She jabs her finger into Zuko's shoulder one last time and Zuko smiles goofily. They embrace and the camera zooms out slowly.

Zuko seems surprised to learn that Mai is OK, almost like he made no effort to find out her fate once he took charge of the Fire Nation. And indeed, his first acts as leader of the Fire Nation were not to find out what happened to her or, if he actually knew, to get her released from prison. Mai only got released from prison when her uncle and his connections got sufficiently confident that Zuko had been completely accepted as the new leader to release a massive traitor completely on their own initiative. This was quite possibly weeks after Azula-Zuko Agni Kai, yet he made no apparent effort to get her released. It’s almost like Zuko completely forgot about Mai, even though she sacrificed herself to save him.

And, of course, Zuko doesn’t accept responsibility for any of the awful ways he treated Mai, much less apologize to her or offer any guarantee he will behave better in the future. Mai still forgives him anyways, just like she did in “The Beach,” only for Zuko to continue to screw her over. There is something deeply depressing here, as there’s every reason to believe that Zuko will screw over Mai over, devalue her, and disregard her well-being, desires, and interests again the moment it’s convenient for him to do so. He certainly has not recognized that his toxic behavior here is something he needs to stop doing. Ironically, the comics get this right by having Zuko try to use his power as Firelord to order Mai to stay his girlfriend.

Ultimately, Zuko loves Mai and cares about her deeply, yet he still treats her as a tool and acts like she exists to serve him. It reminds me how show! canon Ozai genuinely loved show! canon Ursa, but still used her as a tool and threw her away. Honestly, I doubt 16-year-old Zuko is really ready for any romantic relationship at all, given his often toxic behavior, his trauma, and the incredibly stressful position he’s placed in at the end of the series.

#Azula #Zuko #Mai #Ty Lee #Dangerous Ladies #Ozai #Zuko meta #ATLA meta #meta #Unpopular opinion

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emiliagalotti · 2 years

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Sentiadrien means the True Selfers have more of a point than the show wants them to have

Here’s one for the designer baby joke I didn’t make because I didn’t want to go into sentiadrien on that post I made about Marinette and Gabriel both being professional creators of identity while Adrien’s story arc is to shape an identity independent of them both.

Full disclosure: To any extent this is meant as a criticism of the writers, it is that they’re being shallow and depending on the audience being so, too. I personally do approach this show as exactly as shallow as I think the writers want me to, but I know that a lot of other people don’t and I guess this one's for you!

Because "identity" is what this story is built on, and forcing a main character into grappling with potentially never having had any in the first place makes this all the more immediate than any quantum masking could. But it also makes it seem like the story doesn't see that there is a vital difference between "not defining yourself by your past and your peers and your parents", and "actually your entire life has been lived with people who have had the ability to mold your mind just by wishing for it".

First: Duusu is the kwami of “emotions” whose power is to make sentient beings whose agency ultimately lies not within themselves, but within a physical object that anyone can use to control them. I don’t think the writing team meant for Duusu to be the kwami of blind slavery, but that is what they put on screen.

Second: This Is A Problem For Adrien. It is in fact something that has repeately been used to make him do things going against his very nature. So Adrien has to be free. This has been evident since years before his de facto enslavement was revealed, and become increasingly clear as the story has progressed. Never mind that his father is a supervillain fighting Adrien four times weekly, mind that he’s making Adrien’s life miserable for purely non-supervillaining purposes too. Until this point, Adrien has defended his father on the logic that he’s just handling his grief poorly and the assumption that he’ll be better once he just gets over it. This is tragic, but you can live with it. But once it is revealed that daddy never dealt with his grief because he’s been terrorising the city so that he won’t have to mourn mum? The break is inevitable, and when it is revealed that daddy has a remote control to Adrien’s brain and he’s willing to use it? Yeah, the break is vital for Adrien's survival as an individual.

Third: The show has repeatedly sunk the True Selves Theory. “Oblivio”, “Glaciator 2″ and “Kuro Neko” didn’t air for us to still be arguing that actually Cat Noir is Adrien’s real self.

And this is where things get potentially iffy if we’re pursuing the question of What Makes Identity. Because who is Adrien Agreste? He was made by his parents, as most of us were, though his genetic relation to them might be debated. It certainly seems likely that he was created with an intentional likeness to Felix, though if that was because they’re both sentimonsters made to be a matching set or Felix is a real boy and Adrien a sentimonster copy of him is yet unknown.

So far so good, but things become chilling once you take into consideration that natural conception is a lottery, whereas Adrien wasn’t merely designed to be exactly the son his parents wanted (”Isn’t he perfect?”). By the very nature of his existence, they have the tool to mold him into anything they’d want if he somehow turned out wrong while on auto mode, and until it is made unequestionably clear that they never used the amok to control him prior to “Felix”, then everything that is Adrien is cast into question. The show is clear on the fact that he is fully capable of having thoughts and opinions independent of whoever has the amok, but what isn't clear is to what extent they can be changed, or if it's merely his body that can be forced into action against his will. Regardless of that, Adrien is clearly so used to obedience that he doesn't seem to question whether the source of that is his own seeing the reason in his parents' thinking, or just resignation to never having it in him to protest. And when we're at this point, the question rises: What were Adrien’s “real” desires and opinions, and which ones were forced upon him by his parents? What was his genuine acceptance of their worldview, and what was the amok? There is no way to know.

A big part of parenthood is certainly to raise your children into what you believe to be good people, and a big part of growing up is to realise that your parents are no less fallible than anyone else. Real parents will have to justify their words and opinions, or resort to force to coerce their children (and the children will, most likely, at some point recognise that this is wrong). If Gabriel and Emilie ever were faced with open resistance from Adrien, persuasion or justification wouldn't be necessary; merely wanting him to obey would suffice for him to at least on the surface think that he agrees. So even though we know that Adrien isn’t blindly following his father, that still leaves a nasty question of how much of anything he thinks about the world was his own mind, and how much of it was his parents overriding the AI, so to speak.

Again, to be clear: I’m very certain the show eventually will frame Adrien’s creation as a positive force, because the way Astruc talks about sentimonsters on twitter doesn't seem to consider the "can be controlled by anyone holding the keychain" to be a fundamentally fucked up premise, merely a problem in the specific case of Adrien not having his own amok. I’m very sure we’re not meant to question Adrien’s ability to think for himself, nor any aspect of his individuality. But as of Nathalie commanding "Adrien" in "Risk", that is exactly what we have to do - because if merely holding the amok and wishing for an action is enough to command a sentimonster, then Adrien will inevitably have to question every thing he has ever done in the company of his parents. And we know, for a fact, that very little of what he did prior to "Origins" was done in the company of anyone but his parents. (when he and Felix having allegedly switched places for a weekend becomes a source of hope...)

And this is where it gets fun (/s): This fandom has a long and venerated tradition of explaining that Adrien Agreste is a lie, actually: it’s the persona his father wants him to be, and only as Cat Noir does the boy he truly is inside come out.

And as of sentiadrien being canon, the True Selves theory was suddenly handed... not canon backing, but certainly a moral weight that never was there before. Because when “Adrien Agreste” is an entity whose very core is cast into question, it is certainly the case that Cat Noir’s cannot be: Because Gabriel doesn’t know that he can control Cat Noir, so he’s never tried. So when both Adrien and the audience might question how much his own person Adrien Agreste ever was, we know for sure that Cat Noir was fully him, from the very beginning.

Even if the show has repeatedly made clear that Cat Noir is a role play, is a performance, isn't who he is when he's alone in his room. But at least it was a performance that was fully Adrien’s own, and not directed by his parents. However artificial he is, he is at least a self that unlike Adrien himself, was for sure created to be what Adrien wants, and not "whatever [his] parents wanted [him] to be". In a twist of massive irony, Cat Noir then becomes the evidence of Adrien Agreste's existence as something more than a custom-made doll: we know for certain that that is something his parents never wanted him to be, and his having come up with that is the proof of his personal agency.

It has always been a point that Adrien needs to construct a life independent of his father, but at the point canon is at now, "life" would mean disturbingly much more than what it did before the sentimonster backstory entered the picture. Where we are at present, Adrien's childhood prior to becoming Cat Noir has become a slush where it is impossible for anyone to know what was Adrien's genuine personality and what was his parents' will being imposed on him without his knowing.

Personality is made by nature and nurture, and Finding Out Who You Really Are is an age-old quest in both stories and our lived lives. The dichotomy between Adrien Agreste™ and Cat Noir has been setting this one up for a long time, and the sentimonster backstory just dials it up to eleven. And in theory, this is clever.

But thanks to the lore they've established around it, the in-story results are... messy. The quest for Self inevitably involves facing your past and the events that changed you, and acknowledging that there are parts of who you are today that happened because of chance and luck and misfortune, and how prepared you were and weren't for meeting them. In Adrien's case, none of that might at all matter, because for all anyone knows, his parents might have gone in and fixed any unintended consequences. Adrien Agreste is a person whose personhood was literally created by his parents, and done out of love thought it might have been, it also means that he never stood a chance. Forget "finding yourself"; for Adrien to have a genuine personhood, he would have to reject everything he ever was and make it all anew.

I belong to the minority of people who like Adrien better when he's Adrien than when he's Cat Noir, but at this point, the True Self Theory would be bitterly comforting.

#miraculous ladybug #sentiadrien #adrien agreste #sentiadrien critical #sentimonster adrien #remember the dog

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bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love · 2 years

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My thoughts on the current state of Shigaraki BNHA and the approaching ending. SPOILERS. Rants wishes thought fears.

Why do people act like Shigaraki and Tenko are separate people. Deku wants to save Tenko, Shigaraki's real name. To me Tenko represents the innocent child buried deep inside Shigaraki. The one who wanted to be a hero. The one who is still crying and waiting to be saved.

Then there are those that think that means literally, that Deku will save Tenko. What's he gonna do pull the little child from Shigaraki body. It's the same person. I don't understand.

As for the Shigaraki sacrifices his self....YEAH NO. I feel that would crush fans if Shigaraki. Those of us who have watched him endure all this hardship and pain and manipulation and abuse just to pft die. Also when was the last time it was actual Shigaraki in scene and not AFO in control. A sane Shigaraki, it's been awhile so think about it we haven't had our boy here for so long. Only his meatsuit. We need to see him triumph over AFO. To have him back.

No I don't see him getting all buddy buddy with the heroes are with Deku cause that's not his personality. But to think of him dying when there no closure and he was just a vessel, come on now Hori didn't put all that work into him for that. Yet how will he survive. The heroes aren't gonna just walk away and let him be even if he does take out AFO.

Eri rewind him to a kid. I'll forget I ever liked this dumpster fire if they do that. I want hot adult Shigaraki that I've come to love. Not to mention that would be such a cop out. Instead of dealing with his trauma and having him learn oh lets just make him a kid again.

All the villains survive and live happily ever after. I really don't see it. I'm sorry. I want to but it just seems to good to be true. Shigaraki, Toga, Dabi, Spinner, Mr. Compress all amazingly make it out and it's sunshine and roses. No. Very unrealistic. Which scares me cause Shigaraki does have the biggest role and has done the most damage.

#bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #mha meta #bnha predictions #boku no hero academia shigaraki #shigaraki #league of villains

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rhaenyras · 3 years

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EXTENDED LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH CHAPTER 139

ymir the founder fritz, aka the most powerful and compelling plot device that isayama could have ever employed in order to explain the origin of the titans, the inherent slavery of the eldian people, and also everything else wrong in the world, was emptied of all value and purpose when she was revealed to have loved her abuser and oppressor. her life-long struggle to break free from the slave mentality that was pounded into her since childhood turned out to be... totally hollow. the woman's real purpose was to keep loving the man who cut off her tongue, raped her as a child and eventually had her cannibalized by their daughters when she failed to survive a murder attempt on his person. which makes for a very pinpoint parallel with eren, tbh, but he gets a whole paragraph all to himself later. amor vincit omnia should not become a convenient fix-it trope so that stuff can magically make sense in less than 50 pages. not to mention that this makeshift “solution” doesn't account for countless plot holes, that would only make sense if ymir was an abuse survivor looking to get her agency back. and even if i was keen on excusing the sloppy writing, i still wouldn't let the whole romanticisation of rape and trauma thing slide so easily. by giving a young victim like ymir fritz romantic feelings and a blind devotion towards her rapist, isayama is basically conveying a very pitiful and toxic message, one he refuses to even dignify with a realistic explanation for the thousands of readers who couldn't make a sense of it. the way this twisted version of love seems to be universally accepted by all the characters in the last chapter, as they just shrug it off like some sort of inevitable superior force that works in mysterious ways, made me wanna gouge my eyes out and never read another word again

mikasa's arc. mikasa had the potential to be the only character in the entire manga to come out on top when all was said and done. she had openly opposed eren's idea of a genocide. she had left the scarf behind when he voiced his hatred for her. she seemed ready enough to sever the proverbial umbilical cord and move on, live a life with pride, knowing how she could have outgrown her silly, dependent, obsessive old self. she might have started out as a yandere caricature, a passive and annoying side-effect to having eren as the main character, but she could have done so much better later on. she, too, just like ymir fritz, might have broken free, if only isayama liked liberated and strong women. she had the range. she had the potential, the backstory, everything. given the chance, she could have redeemed herself. but did isayama care? nope. he just threw her to the sickos in the fandom and said “here's your little psycho doll. do what you will with her. also, she's the key to understanding the superior force that works in mysterious ways aka love aka all the nonsense i'm actually too lazy to commit to”. and so, mikasa is as inconsequential in the ending as she ever was as eren's ever-present bodyguard, if not more, because now she's even refusing to look ahead and fight. two things that she at least tried to do every so often back when eren was alive. not only she surrendered to her own mental illness, but she even saw it turned into a pretty fantasy that the readers can idealise (again, romanticisation of all the wrong things) and that she'll never be able to escape so long as she lives. what's worse, she doesn't even want to, because in this manga we love downgrading and being stuck in the past, as the worst possible versions of ourselves.

historia's pregnancy. it shouldn't even have happened in the first place, unless it was dictated by historia's explicit desire to have a child precisely when she asked for one and by that one unnamed farmer guy and nobody else. whether that was the case or not remains, to this day, still shrouded in mystery because, again, isayama didn't think of coming clean about any aspect of historia's sudden decision. the notion that she might have been raped or submitted to something she really didn't want simply for the drama of it leads to some pretty terrifying implications. i have already explained countless times how it didn't even make sense for eren to be so adamant about rejecting the 50 year plan on account of not wanting historia to be breeded like cattle, titanised, and eventually devoured by her children, if he was just... gonna let her have her way, she only had to ask him nicely. why ever would historia need eren's permission to have a child? what was she even trying to tell him in chapter 130? why did eren tell her something as pivotal as the genocide plan if the friendship between them wasn't any different from any other in the 104th? why would eren take the risk to meet her in secret and suggest that they do something as radical as fighting the mp's or running away, if all she had to do was just... ask that he let her get pregnant? i suppose that was just a bait for a very specific side of the fandom, at this point, as the extent of the entire cryptic conversation from ch. 130 was never covered, and we were probably just supposed to forget about it. I can only forgive isayama for basically baiting me into shipping erehisu because he still gave historia a decent wrap-up in the ending, she looked in control and happy enough with her new life, which is something i warmly wished for her. she seems to be in a better spot than most of her former comrades, and virtually, she is the true inheritor of eren's original (and later disowned) ideology, as she is the one who will lead eldia into the future as a free nation, whatever that may mean for them now that titan powers are no longer a thing. I'm very proud of her and generally i am happy with how things played out for her and yeah, thinking back on it with a colder mind... i wouldn't have wanted it any other way, ships be damned

wHY WAS LEVI IN A WHEELCHAIR????? like..... scars aside, he was up and about in one panel, and in the next he was disabled... that was just... idk?? weird but i suppose isayama went overboard to provide us with some residual dramatic value here

the genocide being just a red herring. APPARENTLY eren never believed that the genocide was a solid way to achieve freedom. his true intention was to antagonize himself so that his friends would be hailed as heroes, but like... why... he didn't even achieve the complete annihilation of conflict in the world by doing so? his friends might be heroes now, but they're going to spend the rest of their lives fighting for their very lives. if anything, eren sparked new conflicts and made the new order so much worse for the eldians, as they have no choice but to keep fighting, except with the same weapons as anybody else now. he basically doomed his people to a bleak future of war and possibly extinction. he killed 80% of the entire world to cause nothing but a disappointing regretful outcome, and in the end he even disowned everything he ever believed in. in comparison, zeke's euthanasia plan was some genius level shit that would have achieved the same result as eren, except with not nearly as much bloodshed.

the parasite. again, great idea, poor execution. what on earth happened to it? it was the Scientific Shit that made titans happen one moment, and then gone in the next, wrestled to death by a buff war criminal with ptsd... my disappointment is over the roof

eren himself. like, as a whole. oh, what's not to regret about the 180 eren did in the finale? witnessing a mc forsaking every relevant trait that's ever made him who he is, is simply painful on the eyes. isayama basically went and said “remember eren yaeger aka the suicidal blockhead who would sacrifice everything in order to achieve freedom? yes? well forget about him, you've got aaron yogurt now.” …... who even is this man? when he broke down and cried in front of armin, whining like a baby that he wanted mikasa to never move on from him, i legit got second-hand embarassment. I felt actual shame for the way isayama handled his characterisation. like... he is a mass murderer, ok... how can he just... kneel down and cry about his step-sister whom he never did anything to date anyway like it's nothing??? armin is right to be pissed at him but he's pissed for the wrong reasons, sadly. I don't even want to tackle the topic of eren murdering his own mother, as he basically confessed to going through life on autopilot because the founding titan just erased all his feelings, gave him superior knowledge of all things and compelled him to go with the flow of things, aka the exact opposite of what he's been preaching ever since day 1. W HAT on earth man. like i said in point #1, eren's crush on mikasa is actually very frightening too, and it leads us back to that one dark force that overpowered even ymir fritz. eren is in love with a girl who's obsessed, in denial and damaged. and what's worse, mikasa reciprocates his feelings, even though eren always overlooked her or manipulated her. ymir fritz kept misunderstanding all those red flags from the king as love, probably. this is really not a story of breaking the cursed cycle, because it seems to me that everyone has returned full circle in the end.

CONCLUSION: nothing isayama or anyone might have said in interviews or elsewhere could have prepared me for this raging shitfest. the entirety of that last chapter was farfetched to say the least, everything looked half-hearted and rushed, clumsily glued together because the real isayama died and somebody else had to ghostwrite the ending for him. I am sorry if i do sound a bit disillusioned about the whole thing and can't bring myself to be outraged either, but i've been way too invested into this manga for nearly a decade, and now it all blew up in my face, so i guess i no longer give it the power to upset me lol

#sorry for the wait guys. it's not even that great lol i just had to get some things off my chest and then forget about it #i didn't even edit lol. snk doesn't deserve my efforts #snk spoilers #snk #aot spoilers #anti aot #chapter 139 spoilers #aot #snk chapter 139

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nashibirne · 3 years

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Where The Wild Roses Grow - An August Walker Story

Pairing: August Walker x OFC (Fern) Summary: Don't screw the crew? This doesn't work for August Walker Warnings: Smut, Sex, 18+, NSFW, unprotected sex, oral sex mentioned, kinda soft August This is kinda AU, because August survived the events of MI:Fallout Unbeta'ed! English is not my mother tongue, so consider yourself warned Disclaimer: I don't own August Walker (but he owns me...) Credits: Pics for the header from Pinterest

A big thank you to the wonderful @legendarywizarddetective Honey, thanks for your support, your advice and your opinion. You have no idea, how much I appreciate your help <3 xxx

tag list: @lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @madbaddic7ed @artandotherdelights

You can find the next parts and my other fics on my Masterlist

~~~~~

Chapter 1

Fern

I'm bent over my desk, still recovering from my orgasm, while August is railing me hard from behind to reach his own climax. It doesn't take him long. He comes with a suppressed growl that turns into a satisfied moan slowly. As usual he pulls out right after, gives me a playful slap on my naked butt and stuffs his dick back into his pants with a smug smile.

He never undresses to fuck me and he never asks me to get naked. He just hitches up my skirt or dress, pulls my panties out of the way and enters my pussy with his fingers, his tongue or his dick. My clothes have turned into some kind of code with time. If I wear trousers I know he won't touch me, so if I choose to wear a pair of jeans it's my way to say no. If I wear a skirt or a dress he knows he can have me if he wants to. It doesn't happen every day or on a regular basis, sometimes we fuck five days in a row and sometimes we don't for two weeks and that's part of its charm.

Whenever it happens, it is always quick and dirty and pretty good. Sure, there's no tenderness, no cuddling, hardly any kissing but it still is great sex. Satisfying and uncomplicated, no strings attached. I never thought I could enjoy physical love without being emotionally involved, but with August it works somehow. I don't even know how it happened, can hardly tell how this started.

I used to work at the CIA as a team assistant, he was THE notorious agent, August "The Hammer" Walker, effective, discreet, intimidating, mysterious, larger-than-life. Yeah, I know, this alone sounds sexy as hell and you haven't even seen him. Tall, broad shouldered, dark hair, blue eyes, face like an angel but his signature mustache and the three-days-stubble giving it a dangerous touch. We got along quite well but it was all strictly professional back then. He always kept a distance, not only from me but from everyone and I knew he was well out of my league anyway, even if we hadn't worked together.

After the disaster with Ethan Hunt I was shocked, devastated even, because I'd never expected him to be a traitor and I was sure I'd seen the last of him after the events in Kashmir. To my big surprise he contacted me a few weeks after. He had somehow survived the fight with Hunt and the explosion and bailed himself out of this mess. I still don't know how he made it, what or who he sold to the government but it must have been a huge deal because they cleared his record and he was free to do whatever he wanted under one condition, he had to leave the country. He chose to make a fresh start in London and to set up a cyber security business with a partner. This partner is Peter Brooks, who is an ex-hacker August knows from some CIA investigations, and they are the perfect team -August sells security, Peter programs it, August is responsible for the hardware, Pete for the software. And a good team needs a team assistant and that was the point where I got involved.

I don't know why he asked me of all people, maybe because he knew I was unattached and because we had already proven that we worked together well. I asked him several times for his reasons but he always shrugged it off. I was hesitant about taking his offer, of course I was, I didn't trust him anymore, he had been public enemy number one and to be honest I was scared. I was afraid of him, of what he could be up to, of the potential for violence he was radiating and his criminal energy in general, but he offered me lots of money, a wonderful apartment in Shoreditch and he promised me that he would never expose me to any kind of danger, that he'd changed and that I would never have to do something illegal for him. I believed him, mostly because I wanted to. I was desperate to add a little adventure to my boring existence and earning much more than an average assistant plus living in one of the greatest cities in the world seemed to be an attractive prospect. Up to now I haven't regretted my decision.

August has kept his word. There are no signs that the company is involved in any illegal deals and as far as I know he is not scheming or hiding something. Actually I'm quite sure of that because we all know that the federal authorities keep a close eye on him and his little business. Moreover we've got to know each other quite well and I imagine that I would know if he was hiding something from me. Maybe I would, maybe it's just wishful thinking but I tend to say that I can judge him quite well by now. That's not surprising actually, considering how much time we spend together, 12 to 16 hours a day, five to six days a week.

How did the sex thing begin you ask? I don't really know. Maybe it was the glances he started to give me, the attention I wasn't used to. I just started to feel good around him, sexy and wanted. Of course it's flattering that a handsome man like him shows interest in someone like me, even if it's just physical.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. He travels a lot, is away for days or weeks sometimes and I know he doesn't end up lonely in his hotel room every night. But we have kind of a don't-ask-don't-tell-policy and I'm fine with it.

The first time we fucked was a good year ago and 9 months after I came to London to work for Walker & Brooks SecTec. I wore one of my summer dresses, dark blue with white dots, plain but cute, and August complimented me on my outfit several times that day. He had never done this before. When I was just about to leave he suddenly stood in the doorway of my office and looked at me with a feral grin that gave me goosebumps. "What?" I asked him with a frown.

"Nothing. It's just...you better not wear that dress again at work." His grin turned into a smirk.

"Why? You said you like it." I looked down at my body, feeling self-conscious all of the sudden.

"Right. I like it a little too much, Fern."

I gave him a sheepish smile. "What's that supposed to mean?" He came closer, standing right in front of me now.

"It means you look so delicious in that dress, you're giving me a hard time trying to control myself around you."

I was speechless in that moment and pretty sure that he was making fun of me. In my whole life there hadn't been a single man that had problems with his self control around me. I'm just not the kind of woman that drives a guy out of his mind.

"That's not funny."

"It's not supposed to be funny. I'm serious."

He looked me deep in the eyes, his face was just inches away from mine. Suddenly he grabbed me by my waist and spinned me around, pulling me close to him. "Your ass is so juicy in that dress, your waist so small, your breasts so beautiful, I just can't stop thinking about touching you." He whispered all this into my ear and then I felt his lips on my neck. They brushed the sensitive flesh just lightly. He did nothing more for a moment, and I knew he hesitated to give me a chance to turn him down, to say no to him. I didn't. I said yes that day. I let him kiss my neck. I let him squeeze my ass. I let him caress my tits. I turned around and kissed him and I moaned into his mouth under his touch. I felt how hard he was, how much he wanted me and it was the greatest turn-on. All the dirty things he told me, the magic his skilled hands worked on my body, the sexual energy and the dominance he was radiating from every pore - I was putty in his hands, willing to give him everything...everything I had craved since I'd moved here. I was touch starved, there hadn't been a single date or something because my whole life was like eat-work-sleep-repeat. He fucked me on my desk that day. Standing between my legs -my dress hitched up, my panties lying in the corner of the room- he thrust his big dick into my needy pussy with force and without mercy, giving me one of the most intense orgasms of my life.

***

August

Fern. I know she hates her name, but if you ask me, it's beautiful. Old fashioned in a good way, special, innocent and very pretty. Just like the woman who bears it. You wonder if that's the reason why I asked her to work for me? Because she's so pretty with her long honeyblond hair and the big brown eyes? You think I hired her because I wanted to fuck her right from the start? I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're wrong. I didn't see her that way in the beginning.

When we worked together for the CIA she was in a relationship anyway. We never talked about it, it was all strictly professional back then, but she had this picture of a guy on her desk, a good looking man with a boyish smile and the aura of an intellectual snob. Eventually the picture vanished and wasn't replaced by a new one so I assumed she was unattached, which was one reason I considered her to be suitable. But the main reason was that she is simply very good at her job. Of all the assistants we had she was the best organized and structured one, she is smart and her quickness is extraordinary. She's friendly and sociable but most of all she is loyal and has integrity. In the old days you'd called her virtuous and that was exactly what I was looking for.

I knew to start a new life, a life as an upright citizen, I'd need help. Help from someone like her, not from someone like my partner Peter who struggles with keeping things legal too. To put it in a nutshell, I needed a moral compass and she was the right woman for the job and she still is. Keeping us on track, guiding us without even knowing it just by her natural sense of justice. Of course it was hard to convince her to trust me and to make her give up her life in the states and to begin anew in London and when she finally agreed it was a big relief.

Yeah, yeah, yackety-yack, you say? But why did you start to fuck her?

Well, the not so flattering answer is, I did it because I wanted to know if I could. Peter said no. Never ever would a smart woman like Fern fuck her boss, he said when we talked about it one boozy evening. The two of us were celebrating a huge deal and I said something like I'd love to give Fern a special reward for her good work and he laughed out loud when he realized what I meant.

Well, I love a good challenge and there was something in her eyes, a gleam, a spark, that told me she was looking for an adventure, for anything to make her life a little more exciting and I was willing to give her what she was craving. And so it began.

It was supposed to be a one-off, just to prove to myself that I was able to seduce her but after the first time I wanted more. The way she let me fuck her and the way her body responded to mine was just too good to not do it again. She knows it's just sex, I didn't even have to explain it to her, it is obvious. As I said she's a quick thinker and she knows what it means that I don't even strip off my pants, that I just get out my dick to rail her.

Sometimes I eat her pussy before I fuck her, sometimes I make her ride my fingers, but I never undress myself or her. And she doesn't seem to care, she likes it and she never asks for more. She just wants a good orgasm and that's what she gets. She cums easily, she's clearly not one of the women who need a lot of time to have an orgasm, who need a long foreplay and cuddles afterwards and that's great because I'm not the right man for this kind of intimacy. I'm just a man who wants a good, satisfying fuck. I don't need love, I just need sex.

And today she's just given me that. After making her come with my mouth I fucked her hard on her desk and it was great. But now it's back to business, we have a job to do and Peter will be back from his lunch break in a few minutes. Of course he knows what's going on but we never fuck when he's around. I would because it's none of his business what happens behind closed doors but Fern is scared that he could walk in on us. "I could never look him in the eyes again, August. I swear I'd die from embarrassment." That's what she said when I wanted to have my ways with her in my office with Peter working next door one day. Virtuous, as I said. Luckily she's not such a prude when we're alone.

"Here's the Henderson file, I signed the contract. Send it back to them please." She nods and takes the papers from my hand. She's sitting behind her desk, the one I just fucked her on, and I love the thought that my cum is dripping into her panties right now. She never reeks of sex though, I guess she always has fresh panties in her handbag and she washes her pussy in the bathroom when we're done. Well organized and always prepared, that's Fern.

"I need to leave a little earlier today if that's okay. I have an appointment." She looks at me with a smile that I don't return. I hardly ever smile and she knows it. She doesn't take offence and keeps on giving me her sweet smiles that often brighten up my busy days and I appreciate it.

"Sure. What kind of appointment?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Curious much, huh?"

"It's job related...ex agent...you know how it is." I grin and turn to leave because I don't expect an answer.

"Piano lessons." Her voice makes me stop and turn around.

"So you finally decided to do it."

"Yeah. I thought a lot about what you told me. That you're never too old to learn stuff and to start with something new. So I decided to give it a try."

"That's good, Fern. I'm sure you're gonna nail it."

"Thanks, August. To be honest I'm pretty nervous. I still think I might be too old to learn it properly."

"You're only 32 and you don't have to become the next Rachmaninoff."

She laughs and it sounds as clear as a bell. "I'll keep that in mind." "Good girl."

~~~~~~

#august walker #august walker smut #august walker x ofc #august walker fanfiction #henry cavill #henry cavill smut #henry cavill fanfiction #mission impossible fallout #august walker au #august walker fic

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 3 years

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What’s your opinion for Leo’s reaction to finding out the mc was immortal as well- not necessarily a vampire, maybe they’re some other type of supernatural. I’m really curious because Leo seems like he’s mainly in love with the mc bec they are human.

Hi lovely!!! Always wonderful to see you, hope you’re well! 💛💛💛💛💛

Tbh I think my opinion remains the same about something like this? I'm going to link to an ask I wrote up a while ago, only because it's v pertinent to the subject matter and good background for what I’m going to expand on here.

That being said, I'm happy to kind of tl;dr/expand on what I talked about there. Basically I had the feeling that Leonardo choosing MC as a lover was more circumstantial--regarding the state of his life in the moment, regarding his general feelings about vampires and vampire society, and regarding his unresolved trauma as a young kid.

I guess my answer to that question--and forgive me if it seems like a cop out--is that it really depends, I feel? I think his attraction has a lot more to do with the kind of person somebody is, their sensibility, more than it has to do with mortal vs immortal. If it was an immortal MC that showed ridiculous fortitude and self-control, measured patience and maturity, I really don’t see him not noticing that? I think he would be wary at first (assuming it’s all a front) but with time would likely feel a great deal of love if they were interested in a life together. If they were able to see and understand what he needs and answered those needs, I guess I just really doubt his ability to say no. It’s all he’s really looking for, and the fact that he hasn’t found it after so long really speaks to his frightened evasiveness and the rare nature of that kind of unshakeable strength.

I also think a lot of his hinging away from purebloods (true immortals, in other words) is that he 100% does not want his familia having any involvement in his meaningful relationships. Which might be why he shows more acceptance towards turned vampires, or potentially different supernatural beings.

But I also don’t like giving a vague answer without some kind of explanation as to how I got, to that conclusion, so a boatload of analysis follows below the content warning.

Spoilers for Leonardo’s route and a few mentions of JPN ver content:

I think he has less of an obsession with the idea of mortality, and more like a constant association of goodness and freedom and maturity with humanity. And while it's understandable, there are signs that--when he has the proper time and space to heal--his views seem to soften from those extremes. I mean his decision to live with Comte is pretty much his first step in that direction; it was him acknowledging for the first time that vampires aren't inherently loathsome or incapable of normal living. (On a revealing note, I think it says a lot that he agrees with MC that she is living in a “wolves’ den” but also feels the need to clarify the men are basically the domesticated equivalent. They don’t pose the same threat other vampires typically do to humans because of their lifestyle and sire.) Additionally, his tsun-like behavior towards Comte also seems to solidify this concept for me: Leonardo’s trying to come to terms with something he's sworn to reject since he was young, but also can't entirely deny that Comte is as chill and mature as purebloods come lmao

[There was also an event in the JPN ver–which seems to be approaching the ENG version rapidly, though only the first part is here right now–in which Leonardo fully offers to turn her. MC is essentially on her death bed, and Leonardo doesn’t want to lose her after so little time together; it’s MC that rejects the future as a vampire out of sheer principle. Even more noteworthy is that, when a reincarnation of MC is reunited with Leonardo in modern times, he is revealed to be exceptionally shaken by that loss. There are suggestions he can’t take losing her again, which could mean succumbing to the desire to bite her.]

Two things I feel are necessary to hit home:

The first being that, at least within the storyline so far, the most mature and human-like vampires we’ve seen are Leonardo and Comte. They seek to emulate the maturity they see reflected in the human beings they’ve known all their lives. Given how vampire society and their hierarchies work, I get the feeling humans are nothing more than amusing tools to them--a way to survive and creatures to exercise control over. There’s an objectification and delusion that comes with what I’ve seen, and I think it’s important in this discussion? If the vast majority of vampires behave this way (because I’m ngl, Leonardo and Comte don’t seem very keen on remaining in touch with other vampires all that much) then it only makes sense they prefer the company of humans who can at least share this sensibility of “been there, done that--stop hurting people bc you’re bored/repressed, grow up.”

One event story where this was exceedingly evident was actually Leonardo’s proposal story. If y’all remember, an old pal/acquaintance of Leonardo’s finds out he’s gunning for a human woman and basically goes “lmao not on my watch.” His name was Adam iirc, and he felt he had every liberty to try and pressure Leonardo into turning MC. Failing that, he insisted they should break up and not be together anymore. Now, on the one hand, it’s fair to say that he was looking out for Leonardo in a way–he didn’t want him to end up miserable and alone when she was gone. But at the same time I feel that Adam’s behavior is deeply revealing of vampire society as well lmao. He doesn’t really try to understand the situation, just immediately assumes it’s the only appropriate outcome. It does insinuate a lowkey cultural disdain for humanity: they are imperfect, they do not last or cannot have real value without preservation. If Adam was really Leonardo’s friend, wouldn’t he realize that Leonardo considers vampirism nothing more than a burden that he would wish on no one, much less his future wife? Additionally, wouldn’t he also keep in mind that Leonardo considers human beings beautiful just as they are? Since he fails these basic requirements to understand Leonardo, my impression is that he is influenced by the larger vampire culture to some extent. Furthermore, it underscores just how thoroughly Leonardo has been trained to keep his cards close to his chest for fear of ridicule/violent reprisal: no vampires know his true feelings on the matter because he would be vehemently rejected outright.

[One can also offer that maybe Adam wasn’t being malicious, maybe vampires find human women they fall in love with all the time and turn them (or any other permutation of companionship that occurs), so he doesn’t understand why Leonardo wouldn’t. But even then, to try to force them to break up if she doesn’t turn? A bit overkill imo but also revealing--Leonardo’s will is being ignored for the sake of upholding a kind of ill-founded superiority complex lmao]

While Leonardo does have a somewhat overbearing need to control the pacing of his relationship and who sacrifices what, I don’t think it’s wrong to be cautious--to want to think things through. I think it’s fair to be afraid that the person you’re with can’t handle what you’ve seen/known. But that also leads me to a core issue I have with MC: she doesn’t inspire much confidence that she can handle the life he’s lived, and that’s a problem of both incapacity and incompatibility. I have to wonder how he reacts when he’s with somebody at the same maturity level, or at the very least somebody with whom he can see her strength with time. When MC’s life was dying out he was desperate enough to accept biting her because he didn’t want to lose her–human or not. It’s MC that rejects this solution, which leads me to further believe that he just doesn’t care about the divide when it comes down to it; it has more to do with his difficulty with being vulnerable and fully trusting someone to care about him. (Assuming they also have the fortitude to stay hopeful and relatively strong over the course of a very long life.)

In line with that, the second thing I think it’s important to acknowledge is how deeply hurt Leonardo is as a result of his family treating him like a fool/black sheep. He outright says and heavily insinuates that his family would write her off as worthless, that they’d never accept her--that's his first thought:

Leonardo: “My familia would call you frail. I think you’re strong and beautiful. You do more with your time than we try to do with ours.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC: “And those letters were from your familia?”

Leonardo: “Yeah. I don’t talk to them or see them anymore. We don’t agree...on a lot of things.”

[Brief intermission here. But lmao. Who does that sound like? If any of you guessed Isaac, that’s exactly what I’m alluding to. Isaac says in his own route smth along the lines of “Why bother trying to get through to people when no amount of talking does any good or gets you any closer to being understood?” Which also explains the way they get along to uncanny degrees: they find comfort in making things/researching because it means being able to avoid the distress that comes with being blatantly misunderstood by others. Their pain simply comes in different dimensions; for Leo it’s about loss and hiding who he is out of fear of rejection, for Isaac it’s about betrayal and people turning on him--ultimately abandonment for both. But I digress, back to the main argument.]

Leonardo: “Once they discovered my location, they began hounding me with letters again. They don’t want me to be with just anyone...They want more purebloods. I’m no more than one half of an equation for them.”

There is a clear implication that his desire to choose somebody that truly makes him happy means jack shit to them. They keep talking over him and trying to wear him down to force him into what they want. It’s no wonder--imo--that he has such a hard time just saying what he wants in his life, to feel like he has the freedom to wish and pursue anything freely. It’s no wonder he just expects MC to spit on everything that’s important to him. It appears as though only other human beings in general and Comte have ever come close to understanding him.

At some point MC realizes that his insistence on being compagni provvisori was originally just another act of sacrifice, and that he was fine with giving up his time and a little privacy if it meant she would be safe. The thing she doesn’t seem to realize in the course of this--and he struggles to say it until later on--is that it stopped being blind generosity. He really did start to fall in love with her, and that’s the whole reason things became even more messy; because he didn’t anticipate not being able to let go on top of the vulnerability. And it’s a big part of why he’s hesitating to speak. He feels he has no right to those feelings, and that he’s imposing on her--not that he’ll be welcome.

And when she did finally admit those feelings were welcome, it was compounded by the parroted views of his family and larger vampire society as a whole. Saying that she herself wasn’t enough, that she had to become a vampire to make him happy. Imo that sounds very potentially retraumatizing given his experiences (people trying to force him into marriages with other vampires who didn’t remotely understand or care about him because it was “the right way of things”). It’s no wonder he freaks out and does something incredibly stupid and insensitive–which is pretty insanely ooc for him.

Leonardo: “...It shocked them. Quieted them down a bit. Hard to get peace when your familia is immortal. Grazie, cara mia.”

Leonardo: “You’re strong, and you’re kind. So probably you won’t cry while I’m here to see it. But when I’m not looking, you’ll cry. If I had done that to you (bitten her, in other words), you’d still be crying when I wasn’t watching... Maybe it’s selfish of me, after what I did, but I just wanted to make you happy. You always look pretty, cara mia, but your smile takes my breath away...It’s not your destiny to love someone who will only make you cry.”

This man literally cannot handle anyone deeply sad or in despair. He’s always going to try to cheer people up and care about them, but general tragedy/emotional discord affects him very powerfully--and it’s likely a reflection of what I’ve mentioned before. He can’t bear to see people feeling helpless or miserable because he’s just been there too many times to be able to cope. He wants to help and heal (even if he’s suffering from prolonged compassion fatigue), but he knows that his powers are limited--even if he is a pureblood.

And the thing is? While it’s misguided to believe she would cry alone when it comes to the context of healthy romantic love (bc the idea would be that you lean on each other when something upsetting happens) he has zero reference point. He was not born as a result of authentic love (his parents never married, he was the result of a procreative arrangement), his family talks over every wish and belief he has and they still claim it’s done out of love/honest concern for him. One can only imagine the serpentine and obnoxious lengths to which his family has deceived or tried to force him into reconnecting with them. Every person that ever did know him/care about him in a real way is gone. Love, for him, has only been a series of losses that left his heart hollowed out; I don’t really blame him for expecting further disappointment and isolation and exhaustion.

He’s also not wrong in the sense that he partially saw MC do what he outlined, and it’s a big part about what he loves about her. When she was feeling alone and lost–powerless–all she did was shrug and move forward. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t do is healthier. And they both have the tendency to hide when they’re in pain or feeling lost, all because they don’t want to trouble anyone. Remember that when he says this, it’s a reflection of himself too: because even if he was heartbroken beyond measure, all he would do is hide it every second; he would never expect anyone to see right through him or care.

I mean I tend think of that one post I saw that talked about how people often see themselves as a social burden when most of their life has just been a series of neglect and loss. They don’t really have a concept of “you’re not heavy because I want to stay with you. It’s my choice to care about you.” How do you feel worthwhile an existence when four hundred years later your family still won’t treat you with basic dignity. The men in the mansion also all look to him for guidance and soothing because of the kind of person he is–he’s either silent in the periphery or helping. He never betrays so much as an inkling of insecurity or distress.

I mean the whole reason Leonardo comes to the mansion is because he has absolutely no issue helping Comte in a pivotal time of need without seeking much of anything in return. Remember that Comte explains how Leonardo came to the mansion in response to Comte’s distress about the future. This makes sense considering Comte was rapidly trying to stop Vlad by beating him to the punch, and had only enough time to plan the basics. He had no certainty things would work out, much less that his boys would thrive. But Comte, unlike the boys, has become acutely aware of how much Leonardo is hiding his fatigue and despair in the course of being helped. As such, he wants to return the favor--and tries to be a good friend to him as much as he can (handles his insane familia, keeps things light and silly time between them, takes him seriously as a person, doesn’t pry beyond what’s fair.)

[I also think of that psychology concept of “the good enough mother.” It’s not always about being perfect every second of your life. It’s about paying attention and acting where it really counts. I feel like people who grow up under an enormous burden of neglect or parental/mentor abuse have a hard time coming to terms with the idea. This notion that just trying is enough for a lot of people, that showing them they’re not alone is enough to make difficult memories bearable. Because it’s the oppressive silence and apathy that tends to kills people, imo--not people who mean well. But Leonardo doesn’t really understand any kind of reciprocal or non-self-emptying model because the concept is beyond him. He has no experience with it beyond Comte and a select few humans he’s befriended.]

Let’s continue on this point of MC crying where he can’t see her, shall we? The reason this scares him so much is not because he doesn’t care, or doesn’t want to make the effort. It’s precisely that he cares to the point of madness. It’s that he is legitimately convinced nothing he has to say, nothing that he can do, no part of him is enough to ease what she will have to trade away to stay with him. The core issue is not one of disregard or objectification, I find it to be more about his belief that he just isn’t enough. He doesn’t trust that anyone can love him to the point where just the sight of him or time with him can heal. And while there is a foolishness to this belief, it’s understandable when you consider where he’s coming from. You can call it selfishness, but it just feels involuntary--he has a lot of fear when it comes to love.

I mean Comte even says it himself? His words here always strike me: “I want you to understand, it’s because he cherishes you just as you are--more than he cares about his future or his well-being.”

Comte is openly identifying the way that Leonardo has a tendency to give more than is healthy. That Leonardo isn’t hesitating because his feelings are lacking, he’s doing it because he knows it’s going to hurt like a bitch trying to love her and never ask beyond what feels reasonable. (Spoilers: no request is reasonable. That’s the problem here. He’s convinced he deserves nothing.) Therefore turning her into a vampire to stay with him is--consequently, to Leonardo--out of the question. This is the literal hingepoint at which Comte and Leonardo divide; Comte simply tells MC he’ll take full responsibility for asking so much of her. He intends to make her happy with every single resource and skill he has at his disposal. Even if he doubts his ability or fears losing her to vampire rhetoric madness, he’d rather try than live with the regret and immediate loss. Leonardo is more resistant because of his dour outlook, that her fear of immortality is never going to be something that either of them can overcome. And/or he’s likely afraid she’s only going to regret being together after so long, and might succumb to the ridiculous sort of power/greed complexes vampires seem so attracted to by nature.

I think Leonardo is still coming to terms with the idea that he isn't alone in the world in a lot of ways, and I think he's also coming to terms with the idea that immortality does not equate to evil. Sure, human beings on average are probably more open to flexible modes of thinking and living compared to vampires--their maturity is in some ways guaranteed due to the instances they're forced to adapt to survive. However, just one look at the ruling class and oligarchies of all kinds (even just stubborn human beings) reveals how they are not immune to the same sort of megalomania, arrogance, and thoughtless violence purebloods/vampires are capable of.

So I guess I hesitate when it comes to the thought that he only loves her because she's human. If anything, I think he loves her for the fact that she's very rooted in reality--not quite so bound by the extremes that trouble him. It's one of the many reasons I believe Leonardo needs a lot of maturity and patience; the ability to differentiate between his panicked/overwhelmed/hurt reactions versus his calm is a skill in and of itself considering his capacity for concealment. To say nothing of getting him to slow down when this happens, too.

I suppose I think about it in a way that’s similar to how Napoleon’s main story narrative is framed. While Leonardo’s route doesn’t focus on the grandeur of being a former emperor, there is a clear insinuation here that he also craves normalcy? Just a little life, with a person he loves dearly, where he can rest and be himself for once. I think because he gives off such an appearance of steadiness, people fail to see that he is barely holding on--not to mention the kind of experiences he’s been deprived of (the exact security and understanding he so expertly emulates).

Closer to your question, it’s worth mentioning that Leonardo’s life goal for a while was the creation of an immortal human being--in that he fully recognized human beings could not offer what he needed as they were.

He loves humans because of their adaptability, their frequent desire to keep seeking out hope and making the best of the broken pieces they have. But then again, it has more to do with the nature of how frequently that sensibility occurs in humans vs vampires (and immortality in general): mortality does demand some level of necessity to change and grow. Which is one of the largest trauma points for him; the vampires around him just refused to grow up, always demanding at him like children and obsessed with their power complexes.

Thing is I also don't know enough about vampire society to know how correct this perceived ratio is. However, given Comte's similar avoidance of other vampires and general inability to live with them (he and Vlad were literal childhood best friends and Comte can't stand him anymore lmao) I think Leonardo may have more validity here than people give him credit for. Which begs the question--why did he quit trying to make a human immortal? What was it that stopped him? Was it the horror of what needed to be done to achieve it? Or would a potential companion start to fall more in love with the idea of immortality than they do with life itself/him? I think it’s a worthwhile question to ask, given the disdain he seems to aim at Shakespeare in particular--once human, but now emulates all of the violence and insatiability marked by vampirism.

This is where the transition from human to vampire/immortal contains another hingepoint: is Leonardo so incapable of finding a middle ground because he feels like any choice he makes will be a wrong one? Marry a human, deprive them of a normal love where they can grow old together. Marry a human and turn them, what if they are reborn with immortal wounds/psychological harm? What if time proves they get bored of him or hateful, what if they begin to act like the predatory purebloods he hates so much? Marry a pureblood/immortal, and be hounded by his family for heirs--risk being with somebody who will never love him or their children, and only inspire more misery in the world.

Does it make sense how this can really start to become an anxious downspiral for someone like him? How the personal insecurity and life history comes together to just compound stress endlessly?

That's the thing that's important here, I think. Leonardo just needs somebody who is open-minded, firm, and not easily deceived. If one takes a look at Leonardo's main story route, the whole reason everything goes to shit so disastrously is because MC stops listening at a critical point. Granted Leonardo could have been more forthcoming for sure, but when she started assuming Shakespeare was right instead of seeing how Leonardo was feeling/reacting, she responded in ways Leonardo wasn't prepared for. He never wanted to shake her faith or insinuate whatever she is is not good enough for him, and tbh I think Leonardo downspiraled because it was just the same thing all over again. What he is--a vampire and immortal--keeps ruining everything he wants with his life.

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp meta #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp leo #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp comte #can you tell i think too hard about these things kjhdglshf #sorry this reply took me a little longer than i meant to--but i really did want to do the topic proper justice!!#leonardo is such a dear person to me and I can't help but sympathize #people are free to disagree with this but it's just how i feel about the topic #the more i see about him in event stories--the sense this his trembling heart is slowly easing--the less i can believe such things matter #to him all that much tbh #i also think the event where he loses her is just all the more telling too?#i feel like if it really was a matter of principle and not love he would have just accepted it #humans have a v short lifespan--what can be done #sort of reaction #but that's not how he reacted at all: he was a man beside himself with dread and sadness #and even when he meets her reincarnation he can't help but want to be with her again #iirc he starts shaking at the slightest mention of when she died--and shows a lot less ability to resist the urge to turn her #so anywho brief summation is that i think this is more about so many sad boy hours and fear of widespread immortal megalomania #than it is abt hatred for immortality #he has no confidence good things can last without being warped--and that's the key issue here #'nothing gold can stay'#long post #rambles #not incorrect quotes #if you manage to read this without falling asleep i applaud you ajkhldghkfjsdg #thanks for the ask tho--i love any excuse to yell abt leo <333

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sage-nebula · 3 years

Note

Top 5 Jounouchi moments

5.) “I’ll never give up on myself, or on you! So you don’t give up either, okay, Yuugi?”

There’s a whole lot more to this scene than just that line, but basically: during Death-T, when they’re locked in the falling block room but before the blocks start to fall, Yuugi has a minor freakout because he thinks it’s his fault that everyone is stuck inside there with him. In return, Jounouchi has a minor freakout because he’s upset that Yuugi is blaming himself. And that’s all well and good, but what makes this scene stand out for Jounouchi is that he ends up opening up to Yuugi (and Honda and Anzu, since they were also present) about how much he used to absolutely hate himself but how that changed when he met Yuugi and returned the piece of the Puzzle he stole. This is significant in a couple ways:

One, Death-T happens smack in the middle of the school arc, and so it’s still fairly early in the series. When the manga starts, Jounouchi is chock full of toxic masculinity that informs his behavior and choices, and part of that toxic masculinity is a refusal to be vulnerable with others, or to show any kind of sensitivity. See: how he didn’t want to admit that he believed in fortune telling in chapter . . . four, I think it was, and so he blamed them going to see the fortune teller on Anzu rather than admit that he was the one who wanted them all to go. But here, he’s opening up and revealing vulnerabilities about himself. He’s admitting that he used to absolutely hate who he was, that he took his self-hatred out on Yuugi, and that he started to like himself for the very first time when he returned the piece of the Puzzle he stole. He’s being vulnerable in front of his friends, which is something that he absolutely would not have done at the start of the manga. It’s a significant point of growth for his character.

Two, it’s also significant because the reason he’s doing it is not for himself, but rather for Yuugi, which is something consistent with Jounouchi’s character throughout the manga. Jounouchi is incredibly selfless and would quite literally die for those he loves. Here he’s vulnerable not because he wants the others to know that he has had horrific self-esteem throughout his life, but rather because he wants to show Yuugi just how important Yuugi is to him and make it plain that Jounouchi himself is better off because he has Yuugi in his life. He makes sure that Yuugi knows that Jounouchi will always believe in him and always be there for him and presses Yuugi to acknowledge the same. This is especially poignant considering the next chapter, wherein Yuugi tells Jounouchi and Anzu about Atem, and Jounouchi once again reaffirms that he will always consider Yuugi his best friend, no matter what other spirit resides in him (or the Puzzle as the case may be). It’s just a really beautiful moment.

4.) If you tell Jounouchi he’s going to die, he will face an Egyptian God and walk backwards into life.

Sure, he “lost” the duel. (“Lost” being in quotation marks because if they weren’t playing with holograms the attack would have counted and he would have won.) But the fact remains that Jounouchi Katsuya played a Shadow Game against an Egyptian God and not only tanked the hit, but even though he did die, that death was temporary. A direct attack from an Egyptian God during a Shadow Game only managed to kill him temporarily. He spent, what, a handful of hours in that hospital bed, tops? A handful of hours and he was back on his feet like nothing ever happened. And it’s not even like this was some random-ass Shadow Game either. This particular Shadow Game delivered direct damage to his body / life force with every Life Point he lost. He took hit, after hit, after hit, with the finishing blow being the fires of Ra and he still managed to survive. Like, yes, he died for a little while. For a couple hours. But then he woke up and was fine. And he’s not like other characters in this series, who are reincarnations of ancient Egyptian mages or who have Millennium Items backing them up. Nope, he’s just a punk from the wrong side of the tracks who is too goddamn stubborn and determined to live to be killed. Whether gang leaders (Hirutani), professional serial killers (Chopperman), revenge-driven Millennium Item wielders (Malik), or actual gods (Ra), no one can kill Jounouchi Katsuya for long, and that’s goddamn amazing.

3.) Throwing Hirutani off the roof and out of his life.

Okay, listen. We all know that I love the Trash King Bitch himself and that I do wish that he had come back later on in the manga, even though he wouldn’t have any interest in Duel Monsters and so it wouldn’t make much sense for him to be involved in those arcs. Despite this, though, I have to say that I do love how his part in the story wrapped up for Jounouchi. When we first saw Hirutani, Jounouchi (understandably) had to be saved by Atem. He didn’t get to settle things with Hirutani on his own terms. So when Hirutani comes back in chapters 48/49, Jounouchi gets a chance to settle the score and close the book on that part of his life for good, for himself. Yes, at first he’s put into a bit of a jam when HIrutani has Yuugi literally hanged by the Millennium Puzzle, but Jounouchi manages to save him, and then—with Yuugi’s encouragement—is able to tell Hirutani to go screw himself when Hirutani suggests that Yuugi will be safe so long as Jounouchi complies with what he wants (which Jounouchi did consider, until Yuugi spoke up and said that would never happen, giving Jounouchi the strength to agree). But even without my own Wishshipping bias, the entire fight on the roof was just [chef’s kiss]. Hirutani reminiscing about their past in an attempt to sway Jounouchi’s feelings, Jounouchi winning the fight despite Hirutani throwing glass in his eyes, and then finally, knocking Hirutani off the roof of the warehouse. It was a way to win the fight, yes, but it was also symbolic. He knocked Hirutani off the roof and out of his life. He closed the door on that relationship for good, and it was a very poignant and important moment for him that often gets overlooked.

2.) “Yuugi, I will stand with you on the edge of the River Styx . . . but I won’t let you cross over!”

Everything about the scene where Jounouchi saves Yuugi from the Black Crown fire is just . . . [chef’s kiss] Let me count the ways in which this scene is incredible:

1.) Jounouchi realizes pretty quickly that Yuugi will not leave that raging inferno without putting the Puzzle back together and freeing it from the table. He just won’t. And instead of continuing to fight with him about it, Jounouchi quickly takes control of the situation and tells everyone else to get the hell out while he stays behind to help Yuugi. Once everyone else is out of harm’s way, Jounouchi calmly stands there amongst the raging flames and thinks the above line. He’s literally willing to stand at the edge of death with Yuugi, no matter how bad the flames or the smoke is, but he’s equally as determined to make sure that Yuugi lives. But even setting aside my Wishshipping bias (again), I feel that this is such an incredible display of Jounouchi’s character, particularly in contrast to how horribly the anime liked to portray him. Jounouchi quickly analyzed the situation, took command of the others there and got them to safety, and then held his composure in the middle of an inferno while he watched over Yuugi. He thinks quickly on his feet, he’s decisive, he’s strong, and he’s resilient, and this scene showed all of those qualities beautifully.

2.) Jounouchi is the one who figures out how to free the Puzzle after Yuugi has put it back together (and Yuugi has passed out). Although Atem does manage to psychically connect with Jounouchi while Jounouchi is trying to pry Yuugi’s fingers off the Puzzle, in the manga all he says is Jounouchi’s name; Jounouchi is the one who spots the pipe and uses it as a wrench against the table to free the Puzzle from where it was stuck, declaring loudly that they were not going to die in that fire as he did so. Again, he’s resourceful and thinks quickly on his feet. Any characterization of Jounouchi as stupid just because he has bad grades and his mouth runs before his brain catches up sometimes is flat out wrong, as proven by this scene here.

3.) And finally, that scene where he carries Yuugi out of the flames . . . absolutely beautiful, a masterful work of art, 10/10, even better in the fully colored version of the manga. He holds Yuugi in a bridal carry and gets him out of that burning building, making good on his word to not let Yuugi die there. Absolutely immaculate. [chef’s kiss]

1.) Sacrificing himself to save Yuugi at the pier.

Anyone who didn’t see this coming just does not know me at all, but yeah, the pier duel is my absolute favorite part of the manga for so many reasons, and again, I feel like I have to count the ways here:

1.) First of all, it is impossible to talk about this without talking about how Jounouchi managed to break the Millennium Rod’s power over him. As stated above, Jounouchi is just a boy from a broken home. He doesn’t have an Ancient Egyptian preincarnation, he doesn’t have magic powers, he doesn’t have a magical artifact. All he has to his name is ¥600 and unmitigated gall. And yet, despite practically anyone casting him aside as unremarkable, he and he alone managed to completely break the power the Millennium Rod held over him, through nothing but sheer determination. This is, again, not talked about very much, despite it being one of (if not the) most remarkable feats in the entire manga canon. No other character managed anything even remotely close to this. But although the Rod held Jounouchi for a time, just like Ra’s attack, the effect only lasted for a handful of hours. Jounouchi throws off the chokehold of dark magic in a handful of hours like it’s nothing. His audacity is unparalleled and I love him for it so much.

2.) Jounouchi’s connection with the Red-Eyes Black Dragon is never explained, but it’s extremely present both here and when he comes back to life later on (which in-universe is like two days later, tops, because so much happens in so little time in YGO), but it’s still worth remarking upon. In this particular instance, Red-Eyes was on Yuugi’s side of the field. The duel was over. There was absolutely no reason for Red-Eyes to react or listen to Jounouchi at all. But when Jounouchi called for her, her eyes flared to life and she attacked him as he requested before her hologram vanished. That moment will always stick out to me, particularly since we don’t know why Red-Eyes has such a connection to Jounouchi, but she very obviously does in a way that we see with only a few other humans and monsters in the series.

3.) Jounouchi Tarzan-swinging across the pier on the chain of his handcuff and swiping Yuugi’s key before they’re both dragged into the ocean is just an admirable feat of athleticism and dexterity that is just [chef’s kiss]. Sure, he doesn’t have enough time to unlock Yuugi before the anchor drops, but he has enough time to grab Yuugi’s key, and considering how tiny that key was and how deep the box that held it was, that’s still pretty impressive.

4.) And finally, the big one . . . although Jounouchi’s self-esteem definitely got better after he befriended Yuugi, there’s a huge difference between “better” and “good”. Jounouchi doesn’t give up, he refuses to go down without swinging, he doesn’t take kindly to others putting him down. But while Jounouchi doesn’t take insults from others lying down, that doesn’t stop him from insulting himself or from feeling very badly about himself and his own capabilities. He’s very quick to blame himself for things entirely beyond his control, and to feel that those failures are a result of his own inadequacies. For example, he blamed himself for Shizuka being afraid to remove her bandages, saying that it was his fault and that he wasn’t good enough to give her the courage that she needed. This was the entire reason why he entered Battle City: so that he could give her the courage she needed. (And then he stays in Battle City to fight Malik and help Yuugi, but that’s a digression.)

The reason why this is important is because part of feeling like you’re inadequate, like you’re responsible for whatever goes wrong, like you’re a screw-up who will never be good enough, is also feeling like you’re not really deserving of the love or respect of other people. Again, it seems a bit paradoxical to say that’s the case with Jounouchi given how he’ll talk himself up when it comes to certain subjects and how he doesn’t stand for others belittling him, but a.) his bravado is often false, and b.) just because he won’t let others bully him doesn’t mean he won’t bully himself. When it comes to Jounouchi’s loved ones, he puts them on a pedestal and therefore, on some level, sees them as being better than him. Shizuka and Yuugi can do no wrong, so whatever goes wrong in their lives is probably his fault somehow, whether it’s because he caused it or because he can’t fix it. And he always needs to be better, to be deserving of the love they give him. He needs to earn it, you know? (In his eyes, at least; you know they wouldn’t agree with that.)

All of this is relevant because Yuugi telling Jounouchi that he loves him here just . . . shakes Jounouchi to his core. As Yuugi is giving his little speech, Jounouchi actually tells him to stop, not only because he can tell what’s likely going to happen after (because after all, Yuugi said that he wanted to buy enough time to say what he wanted to say), but also because hearing that someone loves him, and loves him so strongly, is basically earth-shattering for him. To be clear, in Japanese culture people don’t really say “I love you” to each other. Culturally, it’s just not a thing at all to tell your friends that you love them. Even married couples very rarely say it. It’s like a “you might say it on your death bed” kind of thing. The word that Yuugi used, too, is incredibly strong; “daisuki” is basically “head exploding levels of love and affection.” There’s a reason why, in stories like this, it’s usually reserved for dramatic confessions of love. But setting my Wishshipping bias aside once again, I’m not bringing this up to make an argument of how much this comes across as a romantic confession (though it does), but rather to explain just how strongly that would affect Jounouchi. To hear Yuugi say “I love you” using a word as strong as “daisuki” . . . I doubt he was able to even fully process how that made him feel until days later, much less in the minute he had before Yuugi’s life points hit zero and the anchor dropped. For someone who feels as if he’s never been good enough, for someone who has to deal with the fact that his own parents don’t love him . . . being told that someone he cherishes and holds so highly does love him is beyond profound.

But then, to build on that — the anchor drops, they’re dragged under the ocean waves, Jounouchi frees Yuugi from the cuff. He apologizes . . . and then he says thank you with a soft smile on his face. Jounouchi knows he’s going to die (although he is going to try to use the key on his own cuff just in case), but he’s still thanking Yuugi while smiling. He’s thanking Yuugi for loving him. He is, indirectly, saying that he loves Yuugi, too. And he smiles as Yuugi’s eyes open a little, because if nothing else he wants Yuugi’s last image of him to be one of him smiling in gratitude and love.

Excuse me while I go cry at this beautiful and poignant moment.

(But also yes, the entire scene really does come off as a romantic confession, especially in the original Japanese, and especially when you compare it to romantic confessions in other manga aimed at the same demographic, and if one of them was a girl there wouldn’t even be a question about whether it was romantic or not, thank you and goodnight.)

#top 5 meme #yugioh #jounouchi katsuya #wishshipping #(since it's in there I couldn't help it)#yuujou #Anonymous

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shtern-and-art · 3 years

Note

Back again with more questions about the au!! XD

And don't worry, we all love your long responses!! The more you say about the au the more interesting it becomes :D

Do Skeppy and Bad need to eat? If so, do they have favourite foods and can they cook?

Does Skeppy have pets of any sort? Does he like animals or have any that he particularly fears? I find the idea of Bad comforting him after a not so nice encounter super cute!

It's pretty obvious they hate the littering teens but what about little kids. Does Bad often lure then deep into the forest to see all the prettiest flowers and cute animals? Has he ever tried to adopt one before realising that wouldn't be a very good idea.

Does Skeppy get defensive about the forrst when he's in the town, like cutting off people who try to say it's a horrible place, or is he good at controlling his emotions?

Do either of them actually need sleep or is it just for fun (or in Bad's case a way to pass time). Does Skeppy ever sneak into the forest depths to nap alongside Bad? Is Skeppy considered short by humans? I assume Bad teases him for being tiny since he's pretty damn tall/large (defending on form) himself.

Also do you have a favourite animal? N who's your favourite to draw in this au?!

Once again, so many questions '>_<. I always look forward to updates for in the dark, all the extra bits are so cool to learn about! I'll probs have even more after a while too haha. Hope you have a great day!! <3

Oh, that's a relief! Gonna ramble freely now :D

And, yes, hello, the questions! (with doodles now!)

1) Food.

Bad doesn't really need rest or nourishment (his health is connected to the forest), but he indulges in both. Sleep, yes, he uses to pass the time (or have dreams, for the heck of it). And the desire to get food or hunt is part of the instincts leftover from all the times he connected to the forest animals for a long time. Desire to eat food though is purely his own, as a person and not a spn creature :D

Back when he was a human, he could cook pretty good, and I bet his favorites were pastries and steak. Nowadays, in the forest, he can eat meat pretty much any day, raw or otherwise. So, after being awake and coherent for long enough time, and reconnecting with himself a bit, Bad will miss eating baked stuff way more than any other food.

And, yes, getting fresh muffins is one of the reasons/leverages Skeppy might try to lure Bad to hang out in the town.

Rat eats and sleeps too, but Bad isn't sure if she does it out of necessity or habit.

Skeppy, oh, he is one of those people who can burn water. In part, the blame goes to his nature - or his lack of control over it - chaos inducing tendencies do not go well with following recipes.

Which is unfortunate, seeing how he does need to eat, and sleep, and so on. Sure, he can last way longer without any of those things than a human would, but he still needs them to survive.

So, his favorite food is pizza, and all home-cooked meals stayed in the past, when Skeppy still lived with his family.

2) Sleep.

So, yes, Skeppy needs to sleep! But I'd say he will not go out to the forest at night for it. Not at first, at least.

First time, he just stayed out for a long time, very far back from the forest's edge. And the forest is so dark, it’s hard to judge the time in it at evening hours… By the time Skeppy noticed that it got very late, the whole journey back would’ve taken him too long to get a good rest at home. But, really, he didn’t have to make it. Nothing in these woods would hurt him, as long as Bad is around, and he’s… here, Bad’s around. And he knows the best moss-covered nooks between the roots, and is very, very warm all the time, and is kinda worrying anyway… Bad knows his woods are safe for Skeppy, but he doesn’t want him going around town at night when Skeppy is distracted and tired.

And this is how the first sleepover happens: with Skeppy declaring he’s stealing Bad’s cape to burrito himself in for the night, and (after the pretend-fight about it), doing so while Bad is still wearing it. It turns out for the better though, because the cape is not that warm, even if cozy, but Bad very much is. Enough to sleep nicely through the night, and dream of the vastness of the forest, the quiet peace of earth underneath, and of the tree branches reaching for the sky, to pass on the wishes tied to them further.

Bad doesn’t sleep that night, just watches over the snoring cape-caterpillar snuggled to his side (in a very not-creepy way, oh no). He puts some old dry leaves in Skeppy’s hair to make fun of him in the morning, and totally doesn’t scare him, when Skeppy half-wakes up early in the morning to a glowing milky white eyes of not really human looking Bad staring right at him.

Next time Skeppy stayed out in the forest for too long, and had to spend the night, he maybe did it almost kinda half consciously on purpose. Because he wasn’t sleeping well, and the loneliness and the stress of life were getting to him a bit, and. He is very much touch starved. And the dreams he had in the forest last time were pretty nice too. Like resting so close to Bad let Skeppy feel what he feels, perhaps? Anyway. It was nice. But he couldn’t just ask for stuff like that right upfront then, so the shame and creativeness lead his way.

At some point he will ask to sleep near Bad upfront, though (:

3) Kids.

Oh, little kids Bad doesn't mind. Also he remembers too much about being human to lure kids away, or think having one at the forest will be a good idea :D I'd say, if some little kid gets away from their parents or a common walking path, Bad could lead them back instead. Send them to chase after a bunny or a pretty butterfly, leading the child back to safety.

Bad never shows himself to the kids, and there is a bit of self-deprecation in this. Just like there is a bit of kindness in the way he treats people, despite always showing how angry and done he is with them.

That is a weird, interesting contradiction Skeppy is very fascinated with.

4) Height.

Skeppy is short by human standards :D And his less human form is even shorter, so Bad absolutely makes fun of him for that. Oh, I'm sorry "lightly teases him, with no mean intent to it at all" (c) Bad, smiling with all his long, sharp teeth

5) Skeppy and the townsfolk.

After knowing Bad for a while, knowing how Bad sees the forest, and how, despite his anger, Bad still can't help but watch out for some people of the town too... Yes, with all that, Skeppy will find himself getting angry at times over people bad-mouthing the forest.

But he can't really talk back here. After all, it was him, and his mischief that reawakened old rumors, old fears, made people more paranoid about the forest than they were before.

Skeppy's little pranks took hold, and him being in town and going around the forest doesn't let people forget how scary and dangerous this place can be.

So yeah, before he lets himself properly call out someone about being mean to the forest, Skeppy gotta face all that. Fun times :D

6) Favorite animal and fav. character to draw.

I think I like to draw Bad more, because he can shapeshift, and the horns/branches are fun to twist around :D But I liked doing Skeppy's reality breaking effects too!

And idk if I can pick one favorite animal :D I just really like snakes, cats, orcas, and all corvids.

Thank you, this ask really made my day! Even if it took me a bit to answer it XD

---

In The Dark - masterpost

#mcyt #mcyt fanart #badboyhalo #skeppy #skephalo #In The Dark #shtern talks

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the-music-maniac · 3 years

Text

You ever notice how similar Xie Wang and Han Ying’s stories and character arcs are?

A warning here that this contains spoilers for all of Word of Honor/Shan He Ling. Stop reading now, I reference a ton of shit.

I was actually discussing a couple fic ideas with a friend a few weeks ago, and I got to wondering after thinking about those parallels I could see -

Does Han Ying x Xie Wang exist as a ship?? Is that a thing?? That exists?? Can it please exist??

It has so much potential. There's so many narrative parallels with these two characters.

They're two people who deserved better than their respective endings, who never got what they wanted, because of the manipulation of men who wanted power and would stop at nothing to get it (Jin Wang and Zhao Jing). The manipulation of those who saw them as less then what they were.

They also have similarities in their relationships with their "mentor figures" - Han Ying and Zhou Zishu, and Xie Wang and Zhao Jing. They have quite a lot of differences too, enough that their lives parallel each other instead of mirror, and I just think that their personal experiences could make for a very compelling storyline if these two were to interact. It would be an interesting road to a development of a potential relationship, and moreover an opportunity for both of them to learn from the other and heal.

And real talk? I just want the both of them to be happy tbh (and of course that obviously doesn't need to involve a romantic relationship - I just have no self control. I'd be just as ecstatic about a really good friendship though).

I also know they never interact in the drama - but then again these two are also literally dead in the drama. Reality is what you make it 🤣🤣. And considering how close the Scorpion was working with Tian Chuang - honestly I'm pretty sure you can't really say they haven't met either.

So anyways, I guess reasons why I think this would be a good ship dynamic:

First of all, their relations with their mentors and how it's similar to each other and also not. The resulting potential for mutual support:

Han Ying's dearest wish is to be a disciple of Zhou Zishu's, as he says plainly in that one episode.

The thing is, there could be quite a lot of subtext taken from that - I've read interpretations that he's in love with Zhou Zishu, or at least has romantic feelings for him - a strong crush possibly - which I can plausibly see (I can also see it just being platonic, which I will talk about later). But yeah, a romantic interpretation just because of how strong his devotion towards Zhou Zishu is. The wistful looks?????

In that kind of situation, IF the romantic feelings are two-sided instead of one-sided - which I would like to go on the record and say that with Han Ying and Zhou Zishu, I don't believe it is - and as a result actually becomes something, that type of relationship would not be the most healthy, because there's a very strong imbalance of power. Even if the mentor figure genuinely cares and actively minds the mentee's feelings - the mentee still undeniably has that level of hero worship - it won't ever be equal. We can see that already in Han Ying's case, Zhou Zishu repeatedly tells him to stop treating him with so much formality because he's not the leader anymore and yet Han Ying still remains deferential.

In that interpretation, if that were the case of it being two sided - Han Ying would have quite a lot of similarity of experience to Xie Wang's relation to Zhao Jing -

And here I can talk about how Xie Wang and Zhao Jing's relationship is uh. Kinda sus tbh. Like. That doesn't look like a healthy or platonic father-son relationship and it gives me the creeps. In Xie Wang and Zhao Jing's relationship, I'm more inclined to believe there's some semi-incestous yifu fucking going on than anything platonic, there's just so many sus moments - and if I'm not mistaken they dubbed over a line in the show where it was basically stated plainly that it's not a platonic relationship. Or at least - Xie Wang doesn't view Zhao Jing platonically (and I don't believe Zhao Jing discourages it at all, if anything he actively encourages and guides it to make Xie Wang dependent on him). So we got another setup where it's potentially one sided romantic feelings/hero worship. Or maybe two sided for them, who knows.

But the thing is, while I talked about unhealthy romantic relationships in my section about Han Ying, a fundamental difference between Xie Wang and Han Ying's relationships with their mentors is that Zhou Zishu's relationship with Han Ying would be a lot healthier. A LOT healthier. So much fucking healthier, I cannot emphasis that enough. And that's mostly because their relationship is not two-sided, and because he sees Han Ying as a person.

He cares about Han Ying a lot but not as anything beyond platonic - he views him as a student and a subordinate and protects him as such. Han Ying on the other hand could have romantic feelings for Zhou Zishu. Not in love per se, it feels to me like it could be a mix of a really strong crush with really strong hero worship. I don't think Han Ying truly knows Zhou Zishu's other aspects of personality (yet?? I guess because if we're gonna hypothetically bring both Han Ying and Xie Wang back to life he probably will eventually get to know Zhou Zishu properly), because I doubt he ever showed anything beyond his stern assassin leader type of persona to his subordinates. He was likely caring yes, but in a way that keeps people at a distance. So, a mentor-mentee type of relationship where Han Ying could be crushing quite hard on Zhou Zishu. But still a healthy one, as Zhou Zishu, one - doesn't intend to pursue a romantic relationship with Han Ying - and moreover, although might know about his feelings, or his devotion at least(tbh you'd have to be blind not to), he treats them, and him, with respect. He doesn't try and manipulate Han Ying, or use his emotions for his own purposes. He sees Han Ying as his own person. His affection and regards towards Han Ying remains unconditional, even if Han Ying messes up or doesn't follow instructions. Instructions that, btw, repeatedly try to keep Han Ying out of the line of fire, and makes it clear that Han Ying is to put himself first.

Everything Zhao Jing does however is solely to cripple Xie Wang and make him wholly dependent on him. He's been grooming Xie Wang from such a young age, and his positive regard and care is ALWAYS conditional. As soon as Xie Wang messes up, he takes it away as punishment, and because of how Zhao Jing's made himself the center of Xie Wang's world, that action is devastating to him. He subtly encourages and toys with Xie Wang's regard for him for his own purposes, he tries to make Xie Wang jealous so he works twice as hard to earn back Zhao Jing's attention. And as we see with his intention to eventually discard Xie Wang as soon as he is no longer useful - he doesn't view Xie Wang as a person. He's merely another tool in his arsenal.

The reason why I wrote such a long ass analysis about the similarities and differences between Xie Wang and Han Ying's relationships is because as I mentioned before, one reason I think this would be a pretty interesting ship and dynamic is how these two could help each other. At first, it might be more Han Ying helping Xie Wang.

Xie Wang hasn't ever experienced what a proper and healthy guardian type relationship is like, or even what it means for someone to choose him first. He's a victim of abuse, and should he manage to survive the avalanche at the end of the show, there is potential for him to start to undo all the damage that Zhao Jing has inflicted on him all those years, especially if the man is truly no longer around. And I think Han Ying would be in a very good position to offer him support in that journey. Moreover, if Han Ying has had an experience similar to that, it could be the reason he would want to offer support to Xie Wang. He's experienced a lot of what Xie Wang has experienced, but he's also seen what it is for someone to genuinely care about him, and as a result likely has a more healthy view on that type of relationship. They're similar enough for Xie Wang to potentially not want to push Han Ying away if he ever offers his help, but also dissimilar enough that Han Ying could offer new avenues of thought.

At the same time, if you just read Han Ying and Zhou Zishu's relationship as a really strong type of hero worship, this dynamic could make sense too. Han Ying clearly looks up to Zhou Zishu quite a lot, and on top of that, Zhou Zishu in a way represents everything Han Ying has wanted and couldn't have - aka a family and a mentor figure and a home to call his own. Regardless of if it's purely platonic or not, it's still an infinitely healthier relationship, a parallel to Xie Wang's experience, so the potential of the offer of support remains the same.

Second of all, similarity in origin and life experiences, which is a small thing tbh but still an important thing:

Han Ying is someone I don't know a lot of background on tbh - I presume he doesn't have a family anymore, and somehow ended up in the Window of Heaven. I've read fics where Zhou Zishu was the one to save him at some point and offer him a position in the assassin group, and I'm inclined to take that as a plausible head canon (unless it's actually canon, idk I haven't read tyk yet).

So, in bare bones, he's an orphan who is taken in by a mentor figure, and becomes a high ranking member of an assassin group.

Xie Wang is also someone who no longer has a family - we don't know that much about his background either, but I presume he was happened upon by Zhao Jing in some way - I'm not sure at what age tbh, is it assumed that he was raised by him?? Or maybe in teenage years??

Whatever it happens to be, Xie Wang was taken in, maybe even "saved" by (although if you ask me, he'd be better off without) Zhao Jing.

So in essence it is the same thing as Han Ying's experiences, an orphan who is taken in by a mentor figure, and becomes a high ranking (or the leader of) an assassin group.

And not only that, as I mentioned from the beginning, these two both realize and know, eventually, that they’re being used by men who are desperate for power (Jin Wang, Zhao Jing).

I mention this actually as just an extension of my first point, because while I mentioned that Han Ying very obviously can support Xie Wang in that particular “past grooming and abuse” aspect, there are probably still many hidden traumas and scars for these two from the lives they’ve both lead. Their similar experiences lead to similar choices which helped shape who they are, and as a result, I think these two could truly understand each other and where they’re coming from.

Their personalities would fit pretty well with each other. I think:

I don’t know if my interpretation on how these two are is accurate tbh, so feel free to let me know if you think it’s out of character.

To me, Han Ying seems like someone who would be pretty calm around the people he cares about; responsible, smart, eager to learn, with a steady sort of presence. He seems like someone who would wear their heart on their sleeve around people he trusts too, but not in any overtly obvious way. I think the reason why I get that impression is that, upon rewatch, I could plainly see his worry about Zhou Zishu in episode one, but when I first started the show, I somehow missed it entirely. Han Ying also didn’t show any qualms about admitting to Chengling that he wants to be Zhou Zishu’s disciple - which can be a very personal piece of info. The way he was around Zhou Zishu, and Wen Kexing also gave off an air of innocent eagerness to do well in his accomplishments and for approval. I’m not saying he’s always like this, because I’m rather certain he has a darker side too - as we see with all the characters, no one is without their traumas and no one is without artifice or without complexity. They’re all grey moral in a very human way, and Han Ying is no different. We’ve seen before too that once he’s got his game face on, the man is pretty competent and also ruthless (his conversation with Gao Chong for example) - I don’t think he could be any less if he’s that high up in the Tianchuang hierarchy. But at the same time I can also see him being a bit of a very subtle disaster (almost?? Slightly dorky??) in certain situations, and we can see that kind of peek through when Zhou Zishu and Wen Kexing hijacked his kidnapping attempt and he was kind of like uhh. Okay so, I’m in a choke hold, I think that might be my former commander, so like. Let them go. It’s actually really funny cause while Wen Kexing was telling Gao Chong and Chengling to hurry up and leave, I swear you could see Han Ying contemplating his entire life.

The face of a man confuzzled.

Xie Wang on the other hand, is someone that’s more impulsive, liable to push or be mischievous, less of a steady personality and more like - for lack of better word - an absolute gremlin. A pretty murderous one. It’s a bit hard to tell all aspects of how Xie Wang is tbh, since he has many different mannerisms while talking to different people. With Zhao Jing he has a very subservient, almost dutiful, childlike and innocent air about him, and a sort of. Sa jiao (撒娇) type of demeanor. He craves approval from Zhao Jing, and is just generally very baby around him, and I’m really not sure how much of that is how he actually is and how much of that is him learning that this is the best way to get Zhao Jing’s attention. And tbh I don’t think all of that is grooming, I think Xie Wang probably does have the potential to be as soft or as innocently childlike and happy with others he cares about (just hopefully in a lot healthier way). I think we see his soft side a little with Qianqiao when he gives her the cure. Despite that though, we can still see other aspects of him surface. He makes suggestions and pushes when he thinks Zhao Jing’s refusals are unreasonable, he just goes and does his own thing sometimes (um usually murderous things. Like when he killed Song Huai Ren and told Zhao Jing he’s a traitor). He’s mischievous about some of his actions (after literally stabbing a man, ‘what? he said I should kill him if I have the ability’). He’s a lot more obviously gritty and aggressive and morally grey than Han Ying appears, which I think adds dimension to his character when added in with everything else. He’s also very smart, competent, ruthless - obviously since he runs the Scorpion, but he’s surprisingly fair and almost? Honourable? In certain aspects? And like Han Ying, he does somewhat wear his heart on his sleeve, retains that eagerness to do well and is somehow not as jaded as he could be, as he still finds the capacity to eventually care for a stranger (Liu Qianqiao).

I may be oversimplifying how these two could be, but with their personality types I think they have a lot of potential both in a romantic relationship or as close friends. And in a way that at first glance would probably be puzzling - how in the hell did these two become friends/get together (lmao you’ll see Han Ying in his rather sensible disciple robes and then Xie Wang is just there in his braids, dramatic black outfits, winged eyeliner, etc. 🤣🤣😅😅) but on closer thought, makes sense. Han Ying could be a more steadying presence for Xie Wang, and Xie Wang in turn could help him loosen up a bit more. (That’s kind of oversimplifying it but it’s 5 am where I am rn and I’m too tired to elaborate) I also believe Xie Wang might push Han Ying to be more ambitious, be able to do things for himself more - because Xie Wang went through a process of, everything I do is for someone else, until I realized they were using me, and now I’m going to do it for myself. In that way they could potentially push each other to higher heights in what they do, and they are pretty similar in ideology and morals and previous actions. They both have blood on their hands, and they’re not afraid to be ruthless or do what’s necessary to get the job done. They have their traumas, their complexities and an understanding of what it’s like to put on masks for different people.

The potential for found family. All the found family. Gimme:

This one I feel like is more obvious and changes some things about canon, but the timeline I imagine for if Xie Wang x Han Ying would be a plausible ship is one where Han Ying survives the stealing of the fake glazed armour incident and becomes one of the disciples of Siji (second disciple of the sixth generation????). Everything else would likely proceed in a very similar way (although in this au in my mind Gu Xiang and Cao Weining are alive). And then during the avalanche incident, with WenZhou trapped in the armoury, Xie Wang ends up surviving and they end up finding him somehow.

Whether or not it’d be out of character for WenZhou to save him I think could be explored, but the bottom line is that eventually they would probably take him back to Siji. There, whether him meeting Han Ying goes smoothly or not is up to interpretation - I very much doubt it would be an amiable meeting tbh - in fact I fully imagine it to be antagonistic af at first, considering what opposing groups they used to be a part of and the knowledge of how deadly the other can be - trust would be hard to come by, which makes a slow development all the more interesting. And moreover them becoming friends or dating would likely help Xie Wang into the dynamic at Siji because now there’s a more tangible connection between him and the place, and I can see while he’s getting to know all the people of Siji, eventually thinking of them as family as well. And Han Ying in turn gets another person who cares about him, and for him to care about.

I’ll be honest here and say that I don’t particularly care at this point how realistic or in character it all would be - I need found family in my life I have no self control. Xie Wang and Han Ying my beloveds needs all the good things.

Another possible meeting is just Han Ying being sent to negotiate with the Scorpions instead of Duan Pengju (is that how it went? I’ll admit I’m a little fuzzy on plot points here) and meeting each other that way. There could be moments of understanding while working together, an inevitable kinda separation, and eventually seeing each other again at Siji, after all the shitshow is over. The development could continue from there.

The closer age gap:

I’d like to preface this part with a disclaimer that I’m not trying to bash any other ships that are out there, this is actually just entirely my personal preference.

I don’t really like big age gaps in my ships unless their both established adults - for example in their 30's 40's, even 50's. Even if one of them remains young in body, it’s just not a dynamic I generally like. The most popular ship that comes to mind here is Ye Baiyi x Xie Wang - and all the more power to you if you do ship it tbh, I can see it being really adorable and healing for the both of them, especially since Ye Baiyi never really gets a happy ending either (and he absolutely deserves one 😤😤😤) - but that as a ship dynamic is personally not for me, especially after Xie Wang’s kinda hinted relationship with another man that’s also older than him. Ye Baiyi obviously is ten million times the man Zhao Jing could ever be, and it would be an infinitely healthier relationship anyway, but yeah the age gap thing is just my personal bias.

So I don’t know, I appreciate that Han Ying and Xie Wang are both closer in age to each other. I know there aren’t confirmed ages (I think?) but if I had to take a guess, I’d say I think both of them are probably in their early to mid twenties.

Anyways, it’s literally 5:43 am now where I am, so I think I’m gonna end this way too long post and pass out. Honestly, I’m not even sure if this thing is coherent anymore, I’m half delirious with exhaustion while writing this. I might possibly write a fic or do something about this Xie Wang x Han Ying ship, I might not, but I just wanted to get it out there. It’s a cute idea.

Oh god my eyeballs are burning. Cheers, goodnight.

#word of honor #xie wang x han ying #han ying x xie wang #Han Ying #Xie Wang #Shan he ling #I mentioned WenZhou #so I suppose I should put them in?#CaoXiang #Four Seasons Manor #Zhou Zishu #Wen Kexing #Jin Wang #Zhao Jing #liu qianqiao #word of honor spoilers #spoilers

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sweatersarecomfyy · 3 years

Text

Stuck In a Blizzard

(Bucky x Reader)

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Bucky and reader get stuck in a blizzard on the way back from the mission. Reader tries to save face by not letting on how cold they are which ends in comforting fluff and a doting Bucky.

A/N: This is pure self-indulgent fluff. I have a midterm tomorrow, and of course I procrastinated by polishing this one-shot. Also it has already started snowing where I live. As always, the reader is kept as non-descript as possible. Literally corn-ball central, it’s just to make you feel all warm and cozy inside.

It was so cold.

Not cold in the cute ‘curl up with a book and drink cocoa’ way.

It was below freezing, fight for survival, limbs numb, exhausted cold. Even worse than that, we hadn’t been prepared for it. The mission had gone fine, but the weather had taken a nasty turn so that there was no way of flying back. We had barely made it to the safe house and when we got out of the jet, it was blizzarding so much that we couldn’t see.

As we rushed in and slammed the door shut, the flakes didn’t even melt on the doormat.

I stomped my feet, trying to get some feeling back into them. It didn’t do anything. I shivered in my less-than-ideal jacket, and dropped my bag. “Is there a heater?”

Bucky was across the room fiddling with a fuse box. He flipped one of them and some lights came on. It had a cozy-looking interior despite the frigid air. He flipped another one, but the heater gave a couple weak thrums and then stopped. He chuckled, “I guess not.”

I walked over to the fireplace. There was a sizeable stack of firewood and some matches. “I guess we’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way. I knelt down and stacked the firewood like a log cabin. The wood must have been exceptionally dry, because it lit up quickly and the fire became steady.

I shrugged off my now damp jacket and hung it on a chair. I wished it was dry so that I could still wear it. Despite the fire the air was still freezing. I searched my bag in the hope of finding another layer, but it was mostly mission gear and pajamas.

Bucky was making an inventory of the cupboards and everything else. “Well, there is plenty of food, dry stuff, and bars. We won’t starve.” He was wearing his cargo pants and t-shirt, and not shivering at all.

“Aren’t you cold?”

He smiled, “Nope, perks of the super serum I guess.”

The clothes I was wearing were damp as well and I was trying not to show how much I was shivering. I was usually great in the cold. My parents had always called me ‘polar-bear’ because of how much I liked the snow, but this was another level. “I’m going to change,” I said automatically.

He nodded at me and started looking through his bag as well.

Luckily my pjs were sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, but it still wasn’t adequate. I put all the socks I had brought with me on. We had been able to wash up at a location the day before, so nothing smelled too bad.

I was alone, with Bucky, in a cabin in the middle of a storm. I blushed at the prospect of having to share a room with him, but was very worried at the prospect of him seeing me as weak. I had always been tough on missions. I could fight through pain, I could hike when I was exhausted, and I could outsmart almost any enemy battle plan, but I couldn’t control the chattering of my teeth or the numbness spreading through my fingers and toes. With anyone else I may have let down my guard, but with Bucky, I didn’t want to. He was my superior officer, he was my friend too, but non-work excursions didn’t generally require feats of strength and showing your mettle. I didn’t have to worry about looking tough at the movies or having food. This was my first time as a second on a mission—just him and me—we had done group missions before, but I wanted a chance to prove myself. Even then, I liked him; liked him, liked him, and I didn’t want him to think any less of me. I was determined. It was just one night.

When I got out of the bathroom, Bucky had changed as well. He was sitting on the couch with a blanket that I saw he had gotten from an open chest at the foot of the bed. He was messing with the communicators. “No signal right now, we will have to wait for the storm to die down. Hopefully Tony won’t worry too much about you.”

I smiled, confused, “What do you mean?”

“Well, he’s not going to worry about me. He doesn’t like me.” He chuckled.

I chuckled with him, but argued back. “If he’s worried about me more than you it would be that I’m not a super-soldier, just a regular human.”

He frowned slightly, though I wasn’t sure why.

There were three other blankets in the chest. I spread two of them out on the bed and wrapped one around myself. I sat on the couch in front of the fire and started gnawing on a very cold protein bar.

Bucky did the same thing, staring into the flames. “You ok?” he asked suddenly.

I turned towards him and there was a concerned look wrinkling his brow. I smiled, trying to suppress my shivering again, “Yeah, I’m good.” The fire wasn’t doing anything to quell the chill. “I’m just tired I guess.”

He nodded, “You can have the bed, I can take the couch.” He said, he still looked concerned.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was afraid that if I did, I would freeze and not be able to wake up. I’m sure I was exaggerating, but my body simply would not let me sleep.

I was exhausted.

///

In the morning, the blizzard was still raging. The only reason I could tell it was morning was because Bucky got up, looked out the window and swore.

“What time is it?” I asked, still huddled under the blankets in bed.

“It’s 8AM, not that anyone could tell that from the amount of snow out there.”

I groaned, and got out of bed, joining him at the window to look outside. I pulled the blanket closer around me. The shivering was starting to make me crazy. I was tired and I wanted to cry, but I pulled myself away and made another fire. I sat myself down on the rug right in front of it.

Bucky came and sat next to me. “You sleep alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, good,” I lied halfheartedly. I probably looked a mess, but I hoped he would somehow not notice. He looked refreshed. He was still wearing that t-shirt and looked as though he was as comfortable as he would be on a balmy spring day.

“Ever been in a blizzard before?” he asked.

I shook my head, “I love the snow, usually.” I laughed shortly, “I love playing in the snow and everything, but I’ve never been in a blizzard, or at least nothing this bad.”

“Did you get snow growing up?”

I nodded, “Yeah, we would get a good amount of snow where I lived. Everyone always was bothered by it, but I actually always looked forward to it.”

“So you’re a little polar-bear,” he nudged me with his elbow playfully.

“Yeah,” I tried to smile with his teasing.

We found a set of cards and played for a while in front of the fire, chatting. The stove still worked, and Bucky managed to boil some water so we could have cup noodles and hot chocolate. We even found some old Disney tapes and a VCR and watched Mulan and The Lion King. I know Bucky had seen some Disney movies before, cause I made him watch some, but we hadn’t gotten around to these ones and it was adorable to see him laugh and be surprised at the stories, he almost seemed like a child again. I even saw him wipe away a tear during the Lion King.

I almost felt warm. Almost. I kept the blanket wrapped around me the whole day and tried to stay as close to the fire as possible. We didn’t have a temperature reading, but I was sure it was still far below zero as when I had seen it the day before in the jet.

I didn’t feel great. My body was so exhausted from the mission and not sleeping, and it was wavering under the stress of being cold, but I was trying to save face. I felt my eyes close a couple of times during the movie, and in our last game of cards I couldn’t seem to pay attention. I felt like crying, but I wouldn’t.

“Are you doing alright?”

My eyes snapped up to Bucky, what did he see? “Yeah, why?” I made an effort to smile.

“You just seem a little unfocused.”

I nodded, “Yeah, I’m all good.”

He didn’t look convinced, “You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right?”

“I know,” I tried not to make eye contact with him, his asking made tears start to prick at my eyes. I was just so exhausted.

“You did really well on the mission, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know I don’t say a lot of stuff like that, but you did do really well.”

“Thanks, I’m fine, really.”

He was silent for a moment, I looked at my hand of cards, not wanting to look at him.

“I,” he sighed, “I—Can you let me know what’s on your mind? I just have a feeling that you’re not telling me something.”

I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my face. I tried to wipe them away, and he noticed.

“Hey, hey—” he scooted toward me on the floor and set his hand on my knee, “It’s ok, just tell me what’s up.”

I sniffed, oh goodness, I could slap myself. I was sniffing. “I’m just—just so—cold,” I lamely half-stuttered, half-shivered.” I wiped more tears away, “I didn’t want you to judge me.”

“For being cold?”

I couldn’t look him in the face, I shook my head, “For being weak.”

“I don’t think you’re weak—but why—why would I think your being cold made you weak?”

I shrugged, “I dunno.” I sniffed again, wiped at my nose and eyes again, trying to stop my body shaking from sobs and shivering.

“Oh hon, no,” He pushed some hair back from my face, “I don’t think you’re weak. I chose you to be second on this mission because I think you’re the opposite of that. We work well together, and you always persevere, even when things get tough.”

I stifled another sob, “I know, but now—”

“You can’t control the weather doll.”

“I’ve been through so much worse though, and then this gets me,” I gestured to the cold, “And I just wanted to impress you and I didn’t want to complain,” I sniffed again, “And I’m just so tired and I can’t think. And now I’m crying.” I gave a dry laugh.

“How did you actually sleep last night?”

He was still close to me with his hand resting on my knee, I didn’t look at him. “Terribly.”

“You should have told me.” He said gently.

I looked up at him and gave a faltering smile, “Well it’s not like there was that much you could do about it either.”

He wiped some tears from my cheek, and I felt my face grow warm from the contact.

“You still could have told me, we’re partners we need to be honest with each other, and I think there is something I could have done.” The look on his face was so gentle and kind that I felt my chest blooming with a different type of warmth.

I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but in one fluid movement he had pulled me into his lap and stood up. I gave a small noise of surprise, and was so startled that my arms automatically wrapped around him as was lifted into the air.

“Bucky—” I started.

He walked to the bed, “You need sleep, and you need heat.”

“Uh—”

“We’re going to cuddle,” he stated simply. He set me down and pulled back the covers, settling in next to me.

“Oh, um, you don’t need—”

“I’m lead on the mission, right? That means I need to take care of you.”

“Bucky—”

He pulled the covers over us and wrapped his arms around me, tucking my head into the crook of his neck. He gave a relaxed sigh, “Are you comfortable?”

I nodded into his chest.

“Good.”

“Bucky, thank you, but you really don’t need to do this.”

I felt his nose graze the top of my hair, “If I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be doing this. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll go. I just thought you might need some extra body heat.”

Honestly, it felt heavenly. He was so warm. I felt my shivering start to subside as soon as he had pulled the covers over us. I didn’t ever want him to leave.

“You’re so warm,” I mumbled, feeling myself start to drift off.

I felt his chest rumble as he chuckled, “I tend to run hot.”

I don’t know if it was my vulnerable sleepy mind, or a streak of bravery, but I heard myself say: “Yeah you do,” in an obviously playful voice.

My eyes shot open after I heard myself, and I found myself looking at a smirking Bucky.

“I—I don’t, I’m sorry—” I stuttered, then I groaned, and tried to turn away from him.

He laughed at me, “Oh no you don’t,” he kept me from turning over, pulling me tighter to his body, “Do you have something you want to say to me?”

I heard the smirk in his voice, and didn’t dare look at him, instead covering my face in my hands, “No?”

“I think you do,” He insisted.

“It’s ok, you can let me freeze now.”

He laughed again and pried my hands from my face, “Hey, you don’t get to get out of an explanation.”

I hid my face as much as possible in the pillow.

“We’re partners, right? We need to be honest.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, just stop making fun—I’m so tired.”

He laughed, but not an unkind laugh, “I’m not making fun, I’m just wondering. Is it possible you said that cause you like me? Doll?”

I let myself look into his face. Although I knew he was amused by the situation, his eyes and voice were sincere, he actually wanted to know. I nodded, twice, slowly. I looked away again and became even more aware of his arms around me, and his body pressed next to mine. “I’m sorry, I didn’t—didn’t know how to—it’s just that we’re friends and you’re my superior—and I’m just—just—"

I was cut off as he tilted my face towards his with one of his hands, and kissed me. I let out a breath of surprise, but his hands threaded through my hair, keeping his lips on mine, and I kissed him back. My brain seemed to have short-circuited and my whole body was suddenly filled with warmth. I wasn’t shivering from the cold anymore.

He pulled away, and I tried to follow with a noise of complaint, but I opened my eyes. I have never received a look like the look he gave me before. It was so full of love an adoration that I was taken aback. He loved me, just as I loved him, and he didn’t have to say anything for me to know, but he did anyway.

“I should have told you sooner,” he said, “I’m such a coward, you’re the brave one. I love you, I love you so, so much.”

I smiled, and brushed some hair behind his ear, “I love you too Bucky, so, so much.”

He gave me another kiss, just as passionate, but shorter. “You still need sleep,” he noted, and pulled me as close as possible, and allowing me to rest in his warmth.

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