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endthedream · 8 months

Text

a sweet melody

pairing: siren!haechan x human!reader (she/her)

summary: Insanity isn’t what she expected to receive when she joined her father and his crew on an expedition, full of men who think she isn’t capable of anything. But it’s all that she got after seeing nothing but endless water every single day. Maybe that’s why her mind started imagining a strange boy who finally shows her the appreciation she deserves. Maybe that’s why she ignores the way she can’t escape the trance he puts her in whenever he sings a melody for her. Or maybe everything is real, and the boy isn’t who he pretending to be.

words: 12.5k

story colour: green

some warnings:

it’s angst, the word “killing” gets mentioned a few times but nothing happens, heavy manipulation

masterlist of ‘nct dream as super natural creatures’

August 2nd, 1878

Day 25 on sea

I don’t remember the feeling of solid ground under my feet. Grass under my toes, touching stone walls or sleeping in a soft bed that isn’t rocking from the waves crashing against the ship.

I don’t remember the taste of air that isn’t filled with salt. The taste of anything other than fish.

I don’t remember not being nauseous every day, not fighting against boredom, not having to talk to myself in order to stay sane. Having to remind myself that I am me and this expedition isn’t pointless and could possibly make us rich until the day we die.

Father told me to write down my thoughts, he senses that I’m slowly losing my mind. But how can’t I? All I see, day and night, are endless expanses of water. No land in sight. We are miles and miles away from civilization. Alone with the sea and what lays beneath it. That thought can be frightening sometimes.

My brother called me a wimp, told me I should have just stayed at home and let the men handle it. I think he is the one who is a wimp. He’s scared of the power women can hold in a world that is overpowered by men. He doesn’t want me here, thinks I belong only at home like the other women in our city. But I don’t believe that even for one second. I have so much more potential than cooking and taking care of children. I’m an explorer, an adventurer, a researcher. I belong exactly here with my brother, my father and his crew.

I am so much more than all of them point me out to be and I know I can prove exactly that to them. I can prove that women can do all things men have been doing for years, maybe even better. I will prove it, even if it makes me go insane.

August 7th, 1878

Day 30 on sea

I miss my mother. I miss her comforting words, her warm arms and the smell of her perfume. Father misses her too. We talked last night while watching the waves under the moonlit sky. He told me he thinks she is watching over us, protecting us from unknown dangers. He told me that he thinks she is proud of us, especially me, for having the courage to explore the sea. I think he is right. Mother would have loved for us to do the things she always dreamt of doing. Exploring. She always wanted to know what lays beyond the sea, know the secrets behind it and write it all down.

Mother was the creative one in our family. She wrote poems, drew beautiful paintings and crafted useful things out of our waste. There was nothing she couldn’t do, no challenge she couldn’t face. I admired her for that, looked up to her and wanted to be like her. Father says that sometimes he sees a bit of her in me, a bit of her creativity leaking out of my aura, but most of the time I am like him. A big pighead who is way too nosy for their own good. But he also said that this trait will help me on our journey.

“We need people like you.”, he spoke as he looked into the sparkling reflection of the stars on the water. “People who are brave and people who are inquisitive. People who don’t stop when it gets too much and get driven by the passion of wanting to know what lays beneath the unknown. That’s why I want you here.”

“But why did you bring my brother as well? He is nothing like that.” My comment made him let out a quiet laugh, a sound I haven’t heard from him in a while.

“Because he can fight. We need people like that as well.”

Our talk was over after that. He went to sleep, and I stayed up, watching the stars in the dark night sky and thinking about his words. Does he really want me here or is he just being nice to me because I’m his daughter? The others on the ship are not shy to express their dislike for me. I’m not taking it to heart since they care more about my gender than my capabilities. But I care about my father’s opinion. I care what he thinks about me being on this ship with him and if he thinks that I should have stayed at home like everyone else is telling me.

I hope he didn’t lie to me. I hope that his words were sincere, and he actually wants me to be here. Because I think it would shatter me if he didn’t.

I figured I should talk more about my current mental state. Every day I try not to show how much it affects me that even though there are so many people on this ship, I’m still alone. No one wants to talk to me, no one cares about my opinion, and no one wants me here. I spend most of the day watching the ocean, listening to the waves and the birds stopping by. When I see something, an animal or even just seaweed, I write it down and draw a picture of it. It helps me a bit, I think, but I’m not quite sure.

Yesterday a boy, his name is Jisung, let me help him prepare a fish. It was the first time someone had spoken to me without throwing an insult at my head. I haven’t seen him much around the ship since he spends most of the time in the kitchen with his father. But he seemed nice enough, even though as soon as another crew member approached us, Jisung ran away from me, not wanting to be seen with the “intruder”. I wasn’t offended by it, at least I got to eat a nice fish for dinner.

But I’m wandering again. My mental state. I do think I’m getting a bit… well, crazy. But who isn’t? Everyone on this ship is going through the withdrawal of feeling solid ground under their toes and seeing anything other than salt water every single day.

I think we all are slowly losing it.

August 15th, 1878

Day 38 on sea

The air was nice today. It smelled fresher than before, kind of like we entered a new world overnight.

It just felt so clean.

Maybe that’s exactly what I needed, some fresh and clear air, something that removed the mess inside of me as well. Father said that fresh air always helps with an occupied mind. I guess his thesis has been proven right.

I should listen to him more.

He is old and keeps to himself most of the time, but when he actually does talk, it has an impact. Just yesterday two of the men on the boat accidently- in a drunken manor- knocked over two wooden boxes full of fish we haunted, leaving us with not much left. Father was furious, I could tell by the look on his face, but he kept his calm image. He went up to the two men and instead of screaming, he just stared at them for a few minutes. I think his eyes were what intimated them the most.

“You realize what you just did?”, he asked them, and I never heard his voice being so cold. They just nodded their heads, eyes widened like they were deer’s getting hunted by a wolf. “You realize what that means for the two of you?” Hesitation lingered in their demeanor. Clearly, they didn’t know what consequences followed their stupid mistake.

“Since you prevented us from having a week stock of fish, I’m going to do the same to you. That means limited access to food, no alcohol anymore and you are going to clean the boat from front to back. I want to see it spotless. Are we clear?” Again, their heads nodded faster than the wind blowing my hair away. They hurried off after being dismissed, leaving me standing there as father let out a long sigh.

It must be hard, having to be in charge of a bunch of grown men who act like children. And it must be hard seeing your own children having to face some of their own hardships as well. I’m not saying my brother is having a hard time on this ship, I’m saying in general. Someone filled with that much piled up anger, like my brother, must have some troubles they can’t communicate themselves.

It’s not like I have never tried. Talking to him, I mean. I did, plenty of times. But he never listens. And he never talks. I think it is the masculinity they force upon boys these days. It starts in school when they are just little fellows and continues all the way into adult hood. It teaches them not to cry, to hide their emotions and be strong.

I think that is stupid. I think that as human beings we were created to show our emotions. It’s our darn right to let ourselves feel everything freely without having to hide it.

But my brother is taking it seriously, says that the people in school would make fun of him if he’s showing weakness. Weakness. That is stupid. I think that hiding your emotions and building up this wrong image in which you hide behind a made-up strength, is what makes you weak.

I told him that and he just said: “And that’s why you’re a woman. You wouldn’t survive a minute being a man.”

And you wouldn’t survive a minute being a woman either. But I didn’t say that. I didn’t want to make him more upset, and I especially didn’t want to start a discussion about men and women with him. It is pointless, because no matter what I say, he will never see us as equals.

I wish I were closer to my brother. I wish he wouldn’t have to think about all this stupid stuff. And I wish I could live in a world where I could freely express myself without having to justify my every move.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

August 19th, 1878

Day 42 on sea

We saw dolphins today. They were swimming right beside our ship, jumping high up into the air and whistling at us. It was a magical moment, watching them happily swim, eager to interact with us. I even got to draw a picture of them. And for a moment I forgot that my mind is constantly spinning in a spiral. I just sat there, enjoying the short moment of peace, before it got destroyed.

Some of the men on the ship, clearly drunk, threw bottles at the dolphins, slurring insulting words at them. The dolphins swam away shortly after, but the bottles stayed where they threw them, in the ocean. I was so mad that I went up to one of the men, yelling some pretty mean words as well.

“Are you out of your mind, you drunk filthy piece of shit? Not only did you hurt poor helpless animals that were clearly eager to interact with us, but you also polluted the ocean with your stupid bottles of alcohol. Are you really that messed up in your head to think this was a good idea? I don’t even get why you are on this god forsaken ship. You are clearly not good for anything other than drinking your days away and only caring about yourselves. And you call yourself a man. You are nothing but a pathetic little boy, wanting everyone’s attention. You disgust me, you pig.”

I can’t remember much afterwards, only the stinging feeling against my cheek, a foot against my rip cage and someone yelling to stop. I woke up not long ago. The ship is quiet, so I assume it’s already in the middle of the night and everyone is sleeping, but I’m too scared to look. My body hurts, every time I move only a slight bit, a crushing pain curses through my bones.

When I close my eyes, everything is spinning, so I don’t close my eyes anymore.

I don’t regret what I said to that man. I don’t regret standing up to myself. I had to endure a worse treatment for a longer time and could handle it. It is not my fault that he couldn’t handle a bit of critique. All I hope is that this pain will go away soon. The pain inside and outside.

I’ve been thinking, maybe a bit too much. What if I change my way of thinking? What if instead of letting the ocean hurt me, I will let it heal me? What if instead of letting the loneliness consume me, I will let it lead me? Maybe all I have to do to get better is to change the way I approach this expedition.

And now that I have written it down, I will have to do it. My mother always said words only count when you write them on a piece of paper. In that way it is like a contract, unbreakable. It is like an oath you swear only to yourself, and those should be the most precious ones. She said you should always keep the promises you give to yourself, because after all, at the very end you will always have yourself to count on. Mother was a wise lady. A wise and confident woman, that I always looked up to. She was never afraid to speak her mind and stand up for her beliefs, I admired that side of her so much. And I know my dad also admired that.

Sometimes I forget that he lost his wife, I forget that he is still grieving. Because it looks so easy for him. It doesn’t look like he is compulsively taken of on a ship to “explore the unknown” just to get away from home and the recuring memories of the woman he loved so dearly. It looks like he created a team of the best- that’s arguable- men out there and took of to explore. He looks like a hero, not a broken man.

He hides everything so well. I wish he would have taught me how to do that.

August 20th, 1878

Day 43 on sea

Dad told me not to move too much. He thinks my rips are badly bruised and I need a few days, maybe even a few weeks to heal. We don’t have a qualified doctor on this ship, so I am just putting ice on my ribs and hope they will magically heal.

My brother even came to my room to ask me about my well-being. That was the last thing I expected to be quite honest with you. My brother and I have never had the best relationship. He was never a reliable soul, always easily influenced by others. He is a follower not a leader and that shows in the way he behaves towards others, especially towards me.

“Are you fine?”, he asked me, voice unusually soft. I could see it in his eyes, the pity that lies in them. It looked like he actually cares.

“Forgetting the circumstances, yes, I am fine.” He let out a long and deep breath, a hand stroking back a piece of hair that fell into his eyes. I should have asked him if I should cut his hair for him.

“Okay.”, he just answered, nodding his head before standing up again. “If you need anything, just call for me.” Without looking at me again, he left the room. All I could do after that was smile. It was the first encounter since we were kids that didn’t end up with me wishing I would never have to talk to him again. He may not know how to express what he is really feeling and is scared of voicing his own thoughts, but this small conversation showed me that he may not be all too bad.

August 25th, 1878

Day 48 on sea

I am going crazy. I sit on my bed every single day. I draw, I write, and I stare at the wall.

I can feel my thoughts circle around my brain, nothing makes sense. No one visited me in the past two days, and it makes the urge to get up even worse. I didn’t really have someone to talk to from the beginning, but at least I got to be around some living beings. I didn’t have to bear my own thoughts for such a long time. Now I’m not only alone, but I’m also lonely as well.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt about the ship sinking. It was absurd because the men drunk too much and their bellies got so bloated, it made the ship sink. But that wasn’t the frightening part. As I tried to swim for safety, my arms already hurting, I started hearing voices. Not just two, must have been a hundred of them. All of them whispering to me, but I couldn’t understand what they were trying to tell me. I kept swimming and swimming, far behind I saw hills. The voices didn’t stop. It felt like they were entering me, taking over every part of my body. My head felt like it was about to explode into a million pieces. They got louder and louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped swimming, letting myself sink. The water engulfed my whole body, entering my mouth and filling my lungs. The voices got quieter and quieter until there was only one left, loud and clear, telling me to “wake up”.

That’s when I opened my eyes, sweat dripping from my forehead and my breath uncontrollably fast. I never had a dream like that. I never woke up so disorientated. I wanted to tell someone about this dream, have someone explain to me what the meaning behind it is. I wanted to know if I’m really losing my mind.

August 27th, 1878

Day 50 on sea

I am losing my mind.

This can’t be real. I am writing this down to make sure I am wide awake and not dreaming.

I woke up from a noise. At first, I thought I was imagining it, because lately I’ve been imagining a lot of things. I wanted to go back to sleep, being exhausted from, well, doing absolutely nothing all day long, but then I heard it again.

It wasn’t just a noise. It was a melody, a very beautiful one. It sounded like the gateway to heaven, like it was sung by angels. And it made me feel drowsy.

I knew I needed to rest more, but something about this melody pulled me in. It made me forget the throbbing pain in my body and the events that happened days before. All it made me want to do was reach it, engrave it into my skin. It made me want to never hear anything else.

I was in a trance, no thoughts inside my head anymore.

So, I got up, walked out onto the deck of the ship to find out where this melody comes from. But when I reached the deck, I didn’t expect to see a boy sitting on the railing.

But it wasn’t an ordinary boy. Oh, no. Not like the ones I’ve seen in my town growing up. I can’t describe him in any other way than captivating. His jet-black hair softly swayed in the night wind, covering his eyes every few seconds. His cheeks adopted a soft rosy color from the coldness, contrasting the tan of his skin. And his eyes were almost as dark as the night sky.

I don’t know why I stared at him for such a long time, and I don’t know why he let me.

“You’re here.” Those were his first words. The first time I heard his voice. A voice that made time stop for a moment. I couldn’t hear the waves crashing against each other anymore, or the cracking of the old wood the ship was built with. I couldn’t even hear my heartbeat pumping against my chest. All I could hear was him. “I was waiting for you.”

“Who are you?” That was not what I wanted to ask him at that moment, but the sane part of my brain must have sensed that something wasn’t right. Something about the way my body reacted to this strange man was dubious.

“Haechan.”, he spoke with a soft voice, turning his body so that he fully faced me. A smirk was placed on his lips, only intensifying his tantalizing physique. “And you are?”

“Y/n.” My name came out in a mere whisper, fearing that my voice might have broken if I spoke any louder. I couldn’t stop staring at him, still having been sure that my mind was playing a trick on me or, well, still is.

For days no one has checked in on me, no one has talked to me more than five words. I’ve been on this ship for way too long seeing nothing but the endless nothingness of the sea. My mind has been plagued with recuring thoughts, never once having a quiet moment. Maybe this is the final sign. Maybe this is it. I am insane. So insane that I’m imagining a boy sitting on the rail of the ship just so that I have someone to talk to.

“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Reaching one hand out, the boy signaled me to come closer to him. Every part of my body longed to take his hand and sit on the rail with him, but doubts started floating my brain.

“What are you doing here? How did you get on this ship?” Haechan, as I learned his name, just chuckled, a low sound that was so different from his honey voice. He looked amused at my asking, almost like he was making fun of me.

“Why did you come out here, Y/n?” I remember frowning at him, clearly feeling upset that he chose to ignore my question and ask one of his own. I felt upset that this boy, which I probably made up in my mind, didn’t show any respect for me at all. He, just like the others, ignores what I have to say, and I didn’t want to get treated that way, not after what happened last time.

So, instead of answering him, I turned around, heading back to my bed. But before I could even take a step, the melody I heard earlier started again. All the thoughts that I had in my mind at that moment flew away and I was, yet again, caught in a trance. It was like I couldn’t escape, even if I wanted to.

“It’s you.”, I whispered, but he still heard me. I knew that because the melody got louder, clearer. I closed my eyes, letting his voice enter every part of my body. I let it fill me up and shut me down at the same time. I let it rearrange my mind and mend my wounds, but I also let it cut me open and bleed me dry. I gave myself into the sweet penetration of his honey laced voice and wanted nothing more than to make all his wishes and desires come true. I would have given him the world if it was possible. My whole body felt like it was floating on top of a cloud, high up in the sky and there was no way of ever coming down again. I was trapped.

“Come closer.”, he murmured, voice deeper and almost impending.

“No.”, I quivered, suddenly scared of ever opening my eyes again.

“Please, Y/n.”, he pleaded, and I could nearly hear the desperation in his voice. “Just please look at me.” And so, I did. He was not sitting on the rail anymore, he was standing right in front of me. A small smile on his lips and one hand stretched out to me. “Come closer please. I don’t want anything else from you.”

And as I was about to take the step towards him, give in to his demand and the growing need inside of me to grant all his wishes, I heard a voice behind me, calling out my name and breaking the trance I was in.

“Y/n?”

Turning around, I saw my brother standing further away from me, dressed in his nightly gown. “What are you doing out of your bed? You should rest, your body isn’t fully healed yet.”

“I was just talking to…” But when I looked for Haechan again, no one was standing there anymore. It was like I was alone all along. “I don’t know what I was doing.”

Suddenly I felt all the pain rush back into my body, my bones burning with fire, and I let out a loud groan as I fell to my knees.

“Y/n.” My brother rushed towards me, helping me up with his arms around me. “For someone who always seems so smart, you really aren’t the brightest.” I couldn’t even laugh at his words, my mind was too focused on the pain all over my body.

“You must have been sleep walking if you can’t remember what you were doing up there.” My brother said as he laid me back down into my bed and reached into a bucket of water to put a wet rag on my forehead. “Sleep now, okay? I will stop by in the morning again and check on you.” All I could do was nod my head at him, exhaustion consuming my body. He looked at me one last time before he left my room again.

And now I’m sitting here, writing in my foolish dairy and reminiscing about the strange boy I met. I must have imagined him. How could anyone come up onto the ship? I didn’t see another boat, nor did any other member of the crew. And the possibility of someone appearing out of the blue is also not likely.

The only possibility that is left is that I am losing my mind. That I imagined all of it out of pure loneliness and frustration. This expedition should have been educational for me. It should have proven to all the men that I, as a woman, can do what they can do. That I can be an explorer, a brave one even, and that I have the ability to find something new. That is why we started this journey, because we wanted to discover unknown things.

But all I am doing now is proving everyone exactly what they think of me, that I am small and weak. That I am not an explorer and that I should have just stayed at home. That I am not brave and definitely not smart. I proved to them that I am fragile and well, mental.

But no one has to know about it. No one has to know what happens in my head or the things I imagine. No one has to know I am practically insane and desperate. I could just simply fake it. Isn’t that what everyone does? Faking confidence.

Maybe if I fake it long enough and convince everyone that what they are saying and thinking about me is wrong, I might convince myself as well. Maybe I can convince my brain I’m fine while pretending to be.

So, from now on, everything’s okay. I am not insane, and I certainly am not imagining weird things.

I am okay.

Everything is okay.

August 29th, 1987

Day 52 on sea

Everything is not okay.

Yesterday the boy didn’t show up again. I wasn’t exactly looking for him, since my father spent most of the night in my room making sure I wouldn’t ‘sleep-walk’ again, but I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed not to hear his beautiful melody again.

I asked my dad if there is a word for the feeling of craving for someone, for feeling like the person took a part of you with them when they left and you long to be reunited with them. When all your thoughts are consumed with them, and your body is itching to be in the mere presence of that person. But also fearing the actual return of that person and the power they hold over you and your emotions. He told me it is called “withdrawal”.

“It is mostly referred to drugs such as alcohol.”, he explained to me as he tried to brush out the knots in my hair. “But I think it can be applied to humans as well. You know, sometimes we long for people we can’t have or people that aren’t good for us. We see the signs, but we ignore them. We give in to the sweet yearning and get hurt in the process. But if we don’t give in and the yearning grows stronger, we crave it even more. We think about the person every day, imagine their scent, their eyes, their voice. We imagine them being in a room with us, talking and laughing with us. We do the things that are most painful to us just to have what we long for, even if we know it’s not good for us. And it hurts, physically and emotionally.”

I turned around to look at him, inspect his face and read what he was feeling when he said those things. “It sounds like you have experience with that feeling.” My father just shrugged and at that moment he looked older. He looked like an old man who has been through too much in his life. A man who deserves a break.

“I’ve been around much longer than you, dear. There were mistakes made and hearts torn, but it all worked out at the end.”

“How?”, I ask, curious as to how such a sad feeling still turned into something good.

“Because I got you, and your brother. That’s my happy ending.” I wanted to cry. I wanted to storm into his arms and never let him go. But I didn’t do any of those things. I just smiled at him, nodded my head and hoped that was enough for him. Because while his words filled my heart to the brim with love, my body still ached, not from the pain but for the boy I only met once in my life.

That’s why I tried to ignore the melody a few hours ago when it started again. Father went back to his bed a few minutes before, wanting to get some well-deserved sleep, leaving me alone in my room. I, as well, wanted to get some rest, but then I heard it. It was loud and clear, and more beautiful than I had remembered it to be. Almost immediately I felt my whole mind switch, forgetting the conversation I had had with my father. All that was in my head was him, Haechan.

I wanted to see him, no, I needed to see him. I felt lost without him, so empty and incomplete. I felt like my world wasn’t spinning correctly, time was going backwards, and the stars were falling out of the sky. Nothing felt right anymore. Not until I was with him.

I reached my door, but before I could open it something woke me up. Not from a dream, but from a trance. A smell, a very familiar one. It took up all my senses and brought me back to reality.

I realized what I was about to do and quickly sat back down on my bed, not daring to even set a foot on the floor anymore. It was frightening, what I felt just then. The longing I felt, just from one simple melody. I don’t know this boy, why would I feel so strongly about him? Why does he have so much power over my emotions?

His melody got louder. For a moment my head felt like it was exploding. He sounded sad, sorrowful. It broke my heart into pieces hearing him so vulnerable, longing for me the same way I was longing for him. But I didn’t give in. A part of me, I don’t know which one, knew it was wrong to see him again. So, I stayed on my bed, legs tightly pressed against my chest and my hands on my ears, trying to cover his despairing voice.

10 minutes ago, it stopped. It just went away, like it was never there in the first place. Curiosity almost got the best of me and wanted to check if he really left, but I was too scared, I still am.

I don’t know what he is doing to be, why he is here and why he is targeting me. But I know that whatever he is doing, it can’t be with good intentions. A person that makes another person feel such outrageous things, can’t be here for anything good.

Maybe it shouldn’t matter so much. Because, after all, I made him up. He isn’t real so whatever he is doing isn’t going to hurt me. I think my mind is reflecting this pain on me to make sense of why it’s slowly decapitating. It’s trying to distract me from the actual damage in my brain.

At least that is the only logical answer to all of this. Because anything other would be, well, crazy and I’m not crazy. I might lose my mind, but I am not crazy.

August 30th, 1878

Day 53 on sea

Maybe I am a bit crazy, and reckless, and irresponsible and plain stupid.

“You left me standing here for a long time yesterday. I missed you, darling.” But I couldn’t help myself but visibly relaxing as I heard his voice again.

It was all I could think about all day long. Him and his melody. I wanted to feel it again. Feel it in my veins, feel it shutting out all the thoughts in my head. I just wanted this bothering craving to go away. I think it got so bad that even Jisung, someone who barely talks to me, noticed it.

“Are you okay? Don’t you like the food?”, he asked as he watched me stare at the food in front of me.

“Oh, sorry. It’s not the food, don’t worry. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.” I gave him a little smile, grabbing a fork and shoving some food in my mouth.

“Is there a reason behind it? I hope it wasn’t me.” Jisung looked a bit guilty as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I spent the whole night cooking because I also couldn’t sleep. I hope I wasn’t too loud and kept you awake.”

“Oh, so that was what I smelled yesterday.” Internally, I couldn’t help but to be grateful for the boy sitting in front of me. After all, was he the reason why I didn’t give in to see Haechan. But I couldn’t tell him that. I was already glad someone decided to speak to me, I didn’t want to ruin it by my insanity. “But no, that was not what kept me up. I mean I smelled it, but I just had too much going on inside my mind to rest.”

The boy just nodded his head, shoving a fork full of food in his mouth. “Care to share some of your thoughts?”, he says with his mouth still full of food. He looked like a child in that moment, with his eyes wide and his mouth dirty with crumps.

“Just thinking a lot more about my mother lately.”, I told him, only half lying. Mother has been on my mind a lot lately, but that obviously wasn’t the reason why I couldn’t sleep. “I miss her. I mean I always miss her, but being so far away from home just makes me miss her more. You know, I see her everywhere. In the books I read, the words I write. I see her in the ocean, feel her in the air and smell her in every scent. It’s bizarre.”

“No, it’s not.”, Jisung disagreed, putting his fork down and propping his elbow up on the table to lean his face on his hand. “I miss my mother too. I mean, she isn’t dead, but her and my father are no longer together. She left with my sister, my father kept me, and I haven’t seen her in three years. I miss her too sometimes. But I think I miss the things she did for me more than I miss her. When I was a child, I always had trouble falling asleep so she would always tell me a bedtime story. I think that is why some nights I can’t seem to fall asleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Jisung. Next time you have trouble sleeping just get me. I can also tell you bedtime stories.”

He nodded yet again, showing me another one of his smiles. “Thank you, Y/n. And you know what? I think you are really brave. I wanted to say that to you earlier, but I never had the guts to actually do. I think that we can all be grateful that someone like you joined this expedition. We really need more smart crewmates on this ship.”

But I don’t think I am that smart anymore. I don’t think I even deserve to be called smart anymore. Because every single thing about the decisions I make is anything other than smart. And as I looked into the deep brown eyes of the boy in front of me, that only got confirmed.

“No answer? No ‘I missed you too’?” His voice had an alluring tone, soothing all the wounds inside me and doing things to my body I am too embarrassed to admit. “What a shame, sweet girl. I was pretty sure I could sense your longing for me yesterday. Maybe I was wrong.”

I didn’t know what to answer. And I honestly am glad I didn’t, positive that my voice would have come out in nothing but a pathetic whisper. Haechan was walking closer to me again, reaching his hand out again to hover over the skin of my arm but never touching me.

“Can you feel that?”, he whispers, eyes never leaving mine. “Can you feel the goosebumps slowly forming on your skin, the shiver down your spin?” He waited for me to answer him, but all I could do was nod. “Words, sweetheart.”

“Yes.” I answered him, voice cracking with that one simple word. “Yes, I can feel that.”

“Good. That is exactly what I want you to feel.” He took a few steps back again, so he was leaning against the railing. “Why did you decide to come here tonight? Couldn’t get enough of me?”

I just shrugged my shoulders, not really knowing myself what the actual reason behind me coming to see him again was. “Why do you keep calling for me?”

“Calling for you? How exactly am I calling for you?” Cocking his head to the side, still wearing a smirk on his lips. But I don’t want to get too detailed about his face, still feeling a bit embarrassed of the things I felt in that moment.

“The melody your singing, it’s for me. You are calling me with your melody.” A chuckle left his lips, melodic like his voice.

“How can you be so sure of that? What if I just like to sing pretty melodies?” His question sounded so innocent and for a moment I was uncertain about my statement, fearing I might have misinterpreted everything. But I knew what I was feeling. I knew that his melody was meant to be for me and no one else. I know it might sound crazy, but the thought of him singing this melody, my melody, for someone else felt unsettling.

“Because if you sung it for someone else, they would stand here instead of me. No one else is responding to your melody, only me, so it must be for me.” For a few seconds there was nothing but silence around us. Haechan wasn’t saying a thing, seeming like he was thinking about his next words. And I didn’t say anything, fearing that if I might, he would disappear again.

“You’re right.”, he finally spoke up. “It is for you.”

“But why? Why do you sing this melody for me?”

“Because I wanted to meet you, Y/n. From the moment I first saw you, I knew I got to have you. I got to be with you. I craved nothing more than to talk to you, to simply be blessed to be in the mere presence of you. I am longing for you, the same way you are longing for me, my love.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. His words filled up my heart, and I started feeling lightheaded.

He was craving for me. He wanted to meet me. Everything that I am feeling towards him, as strange as those emotions are, he is feeling for me as well. His words were the most beautiful, heart wrenching thing I have ever heard in my inter life. I felt lucky to be seen this way, to be wanted this way, never actually having had someone tell me that before.

He really went all this way, just to meet me. Singing this melody, coming up this ship. But isn’t it a bit strange as well? I remembered not seeing another ship anywhere nearby. Where did he come from? How did he see me? Questions started filling my mind again, shaking me awake.

“What did you mean when you said you wanted to meet me from the first time you saw me? When did you see me?” I could see his body tensing up. Maybe he wasn’t expecting such a question.

“I can answer your question, but first you have to come with me. Please, Y/n. I will tell you everything, just please come with me. I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”

“Haechan.” I looked at his hand, which was reaching for me again, motioning me to take it in mind. “Where do you want to take me? I mean there is no other ship anywhere near.”

“Y/n, just trust me, okay? Come with me and I will make the thoughts in your head disappear. I will make everything heal for you.” His hands hovered over my arms again, almost as if he couldn’t touch me. I wanted him to. I wanted him to touch me so badly. But I could see that something in his eyes had changed. They were darker, more desperate and demanding, and I knew it was my time to leave.

“I can’t.”, I told him, taking a few steps back. “I have to get up early tomorrow.” And with that I left, not once looking back as I walked back into my room.

I don’t know if what I did was right, or if I upset him with my behavior.

All I hope for is that he isn’t mad at me and will forgive me when he comes back. If he comes back.

August 31st, 1878

Day 54 on sea

He did in fact come back.

“Missed me?” There was something more gentle in the way he was talking to me today. Something more reserved.

“What if I did?” That made him smile, not smirk like he normally does. Haechan showed me a bright honest smile. And all I could think about was that he never looked more ethereal than in that moment.

“Then I will be highly pleased, my love. You know why?” I shook my head as a no, waiting for him to continue his sentence. “Because I missed you too?”

“You did?”

“Of course, I did. You were all I could think about all day long, pretty girl.” He stayed a bit further away from me too today and I wondered why. I asked myself if he didn’t want to be close to me again or if he felt rejected after what happened yesterday. “I couldn’t stop thinking about your sweet smile, your beautiful eyes and your lovely voice. I couldn’t wait to see you again.”

“Why don’t you touch me?”, I said out of the blue, catching not only myself, but him off guard as well. “You never touch me. You only hover your hands above my skin. Why?”

He smiled again, sweet and kind. “Because if I touch you once, I will never be able to stop again.”

“What if I don’t want you to stop?” He only shook his head, turning around to face the stars instead of me. But I didn’t want him to look away, I wanted him to look at me, because when he does look at me, I can feel again.

“I am sorry about yesterday, you know? I am sorry I was too intrusive, I let myself get caught up in my emotions.” I had to process his words, that being the last thing I thought would come out of his mouth. Never once had a men apologized to me for anything. I am so used to getting treated like nothing and it being normal in a society like the one I grew up with. Never once has anyone cared so much about me to consider my emotions and apologize for a mistake.

“Thank you.”, I just whispered, trying to swallow the tears. “That means a lot to me.” I decided to join him at the rail, watch the stars with him for a little while.

“Do you know that I think you are not real? I think I am imagining you, because for the past weeks I have been slowly losing my mind. Seeing the same things every day, not talking to anyone and having to deal with all those thoughts in my head. I think I started imagining you so I could just stop time for a while.”

“But I am real.”, he said, looking deep into my eyes. “I am real. You are not insane, and you are definitely not imagining me. I can prove that to you. Just take my hand and you will see.”

“Why does that feel like a trap?”, I asked him, watching his face, trying to read his emotions. But it stayed the same. His smile didn’t butch for a second and his eyes still held the same gentleness.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Y/n. There is no trap. I am just offering you evidence to your lingering questions about your own sanity. I am just trying to be nice to you, but if you don’t appreciate that.”

“No, no I do. I am grateful for your kindness. You just sounded so demanding, and it made me doubtful.”

“I am so sorry, my sweet girl. It was never my intention to make you doubt me. That will never happen again, okay? All I want is the best for you. Nothing more.” I just nodded, eyes facing the wooden floor of the ship. “I am going to tell you the story of why I so desperately wanted to talk to you, since I didn’t yesterday. Maybe that will cheer you up a bit again.”

“I wanted to talk to you because I was mesmerized by you. Because there are not a lot of people out there like you. People so willing to learn and to explore. I never met a woman like you, someone so strong minded and independent. I loved how you never let anyone talk bad to you and I love how despite the negative things the men on this ship say about you, you still stay here. You prove to them every day that you are capable of being on such an expedition and that you are more qualified than they could ever be. And I just knew I had to talk to you, I had to have you in my life.”

And it was like he knew what I needed to hear. Like he knew my deepest darkest thoughts and all the things I was craving to ever be told by someone. It was like he spoke right into my soul and built up this newfound strength. I felt empowered, I felt loved. But yet again, I was also wondering how he could know all those things about me.

“Why do you know all that, Haechan?”

“I told you already, Y/n. I was longing for you.” It didn’t make sense. His answer didn’t make any sense. Was he avoiding my question? Or maybe he understood the question wrong, thinking this was an answer that would satisfy me. But it didn’t.

“That doesn’t answer my question. How can you possibly know about all those? We just met.”

I could hear a sigh leaving his lips, the long and frustrated kind. I am familiar with those, having heard them a thousand times from my father and brother. And I asked myself if I, yet again, upset him with my question. If I should have just kept quiet and appreciated his kind words and moved on from the topic.

“And yet again you don’t appreciate my kindness. All I do is be nice to you, proving to you that I am real and trustworthy, and you still doubt me. Don’t you know how much that hurts me? Do you?” His voice rose visibly, nostrils flaring and eyes growing wider. Haechan wasn’t looking like himself at that moment. He almost looked inhumane.

“I am sorry, Haechan. Please don’t say that. I do trust you. Please, I’m sorry.”, I started begging him, reaching for his hand, which he pulled away. “Please.” Tears filled my eyes and my whole body started hurting again, like it was slowly breaking apart from the inside out.

“You hurt me, Y/n. I don’t think your apology can fix this.”

And this time it was him walking away, disappearing into the darkness, and leaving me standing at the same spot, mourning for him like I had just lost a person to death.

September 1st, 1878

Day 55 on sea

I could see the surprise on his face when he saw me standing there, waiting for him this time, not needing his melody to be called. But the look of surprise quickly faded away and a smirk replaced it instead.

“I see you don’t even need my melody anymore.” It almost sounded cocky the way he said it.

“I wanted to be here first so I could apologize to you.”, I spoke the words with so much sincerity, wanting him to believe me and see that I genuinely mean the apology. “I am really sorry for hurting your feelings yesterday. It was never my intention. All I want to do is make you happy, Haechan, and I am so sorry that I failed to do so.”

He looked at me for a few seconds, brows raised, before he shrugged his shoulders. “What will you do if I don’t accept your apology?”

I didn’t hesitate when I spoke my next words. “I will beg for your forgiveness. I will beg until you accept my apology. I will do anything you want me to.”

“Anything I want you to?”, he asked, and I just nodded my head at him, desperation fulling my actions and probably written all over my face. “I will hold onto that one.”

“Does that mean you forgive me?” Haechan shrugged again, taking a few steps forward into my direction. Looking at him in that moment, I didn’t think he looked hurt. Normally people have this look on their face when their feelings got hurt, quivering lips, wide and sad eyes, body folding in on itself. But Haechans eyes were almost narrowed, and he was towering over me, almost like he was looking down at me. My father once told me people do that to prove their dominance over the other person, but I don’t think that was what Haechan wanted to do in that moment. Or was it?

Maybe Haechan is just like my brother, a person who has to hide their true feelings behind a stone-cold face to demonstrate strength. Or maybe he just didn’t want me to see him hurt by me to make me feel less guilty. Because I was and still am feeling bad for making him feel that way yesterday. I still regret my words and wish I would have just shut my mouth. I should do that more often, shutting my mouth in some situations. It would have saved me from a lot of things.

“I’m still thinking about it. Maybe I will tell you my answer at the end of the night.” That gave me some hope. Even though he didn’t yet accept my apology, he still wanted to spend time with me and that was more than enough for me.

“I saw you talking to that Jisung guy again today.” Haechan was still towering over me, hands in the pockets of his pants and eyes narrowing in on my face. “What is so intriguing about him that you talk so much to him?”

“Did you watch me?”, I asked him, shock lacing my voice. Jisung and I only talked in the kitchen today. I was hungry since I overslept in the morning and didn’t have breakfast. When I walked into the kitchen to grab myself something, Jisung was standing there, preparing the fish for dinner. We spent some time together, me eating my food and him cooking more. There wasn’t a lot of conversation, we just basked in the presence of each other.

“I asked you a question first.”, Haechan voice got lower again. I could only describe it as sinister. There was an undertone in that one small sentence, something that told me I should not say the wrong thing. So, I took a moment to gather my thoughts, fight through the mess in my head and find an answer that will satisfy him.

“He isn’t interesting to me.”, I tell him, keeping my voice clear and loud. “He is just the only person that talks to me when you aren’t here. There is nothing more to it.”

“It didn’t look like that earlier, sweetheart. I thought the two of you looked very cozy in that kitchen, sneaking glances at each other.” He let out a sound similar to a ‘tsk’ and shook his head in a mocking manner. “Am I not enough for you anymore? Do you go around and search for other men when I’m not around? Are you so desperate and needy for attention?”

“No.”, I whispered, feeling even the small last bit of confidence leaving my body. Haechan has a way of making me feel weaker and weaker, draining every last thought out of my head and making my body his. “No, Haechan.”

I felt my legs give him, sinking to my knees. My body felt so heavy but at the same time so light. Haechan kneeled down in front of me, lowering his head so he was looking right into my eyes. “You can’t talk to other men, Y/n. You are mine only, do you understand?” All I could do was nod my head at him, but that didn’t satisfy him. “You belong to me, right, my sweet girl? I need you to say it.”

“I belong to you.”, I mumbled, not having the strength to fully open my mouth.

“That is right. You belong to me, your body belongs to me and even your mind belongs to me. You are all mine, pretty princess.” He took up all my senses. I could only see him, smell him, hear him, feel him everywhere. Like only he excited in this world and no one else.

Haechan leaned forward, his lips brushing the skin of my ear. I could feel his warm breath on my skin, and it sent shivers down my back. “Now come with me, darling. Take my hand and come with me. I will make sure you remember me forever.”

I reached for his hand, fingers brushing against each other, but before I could close them around his, a bright light shined a bit further away from us. Everything happened so fast after that. I heard footsteps, a voice and suddenly I felt empty. Haechan was no longer kneeling in front of me and right as I wanted to look for him, my body gave in, and I fainted onto the cold wooden floor.

I don’t know how I got into my bed, and I don’t know who brought me into my bed. All I know is that the moment I woke up again I craved Haechan even more than I did before and I know that the next time he asks me to come with him, I will do so, without any hesitation.

September 2nd, 1878

Day 56 on sea

Everything changed today. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I felt. A lie.

I can’t stop crying. My tears are flowing like an endless waterfall. I’m a mess, a disaster. How could I let this all happen? I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I was stronger than this. But I was blinded. I was corrupted, manipulated, used.

I feel dirty, like I haven’t washed in weeks. But I just did. I spent a long time trying to scrub away the dirt I felt, trying to scrub away the shame I felt. I put everyone, especially me, in danger with my reckless behavior, with my blindness, with my incompetence. I am a failure.

I spent the whole day ignoring everyone around me, not even looking at anyone that passed me by. I wanted to desperately prove to Haechan that I only want him and no one else, that everyone on this ship doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is him. I was hoping he was watching me again, being proud of me.

But unfortunately, there was one person I couldn’t avoid even if I tried to.

“You wanted to speak to me, father.”, I said as I entered my father’s office room. I have never been in that room, not once over all these weeks. The room was scattered in books, empty bottles and maps of the sea. I always imagined the room to be neater, at least that was what my father always seemed to be. But my mother told me once that your room reflects the mental state you were in. Maybe my father was also struggling with his sanity.

“Yes.”, he answered me, looking up from his book. “I wanted to see how you are feeling, after your little incident yesterday.”

“I’m feeling fine, father. Must have been me sleep walking again. There is nothing to worry about.”

He just hummed, his face showing the uncertainty he felt because of my words. My father mustered me for a few seconds, waiting for even a little muscle to twitch in my face to show him if I was lying. But I kept a straight face, looking him right into the eyes. “I am thrilled to hear that. And we will find a way to fix your nightly problem.”

Father went back to reading in his book, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, the curious part of me wondered what he was so engrossed in. I always loved the books my father reads, knowing that they are filled with new knowledge. “What are you reading?”

He held up the book, showing me the cover. “Knowledge about the mysteries of the ocean.”, I read out loud, furrowing my eyebrows at the title. What an odd book, I have never heard about that. “What mysteries are listed in the book?”

“Oh, just some fisher men tales. Mermaids, kraken, leviathan, sirens. All those tales which warn everyone on ships about the dangers of the sea.”

“Sirens? I have never heard of them. What are they?” My father turned his book around, showing me the page, he was just reading. On it was a drawn picture of what looked to be a half bird, half fish creature. My stomach started to turn, the longer I looked at it, frightened by its appearance.

“This book says that sirens are mythical creatures, half bird, half fish. Through their angelic singing they lure in fishermen to kill them. It is said that their voice lures them in, but their face is what makes the fishermen stay.”

“Their face?”, I asked, not believing that for a second.

“They put you in a trance with their voice and make you see whoever you most desire. They are insidious, malicious creatures, feared by everyone who ever entered the ocean. They are dangerous, Y/n.” He looked me in the eyes, as if he knew something I didn’t. As if he wanted to tell me more with the last sentence.

“Do you really believe they exist? To me that just sounds like fishermen making up excuses as to why they didn’t bring any fish home.”

My father let out a long sigh, head shaking. He turned the book back to him and stared at the picture for a few more seconds, before closing the book again. “You could be right, Y/n. I mean you have always been the realistic one in this family. But as long as there is no proof that they don’t exist, I will have to believe those tales. It’s better to believe and find out they don’t exist, than to not believe and find out they do exist.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about his words after I left his office. They kept spinning around my head, swirling and clashing against other thoughts. And they were connecting. My thoughts were connecting together, and suddenly there was only one thought left. One person in my mind, and not for the reasons he had been in my mind for the past few days.

But I didn’t want to admit that. Not even to myself. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t true. Those useless tales were nothing but fiction, made up stories to save the fishermen from embarrassment and disappointment. Nothing more and nothing less.

Because I knew Haechan. I knew he wasn’t capable of something like that. He wasn’t a creature designed to prey on innocent people. Or was he?

I couldn’t help but smile as I heard the familiar melody, as I felt it sink deep under my skin and erase everything inside of me. I loved the pain it inflicted on my heart, the way the melody ripped me apart into a million pieces. I loved how for the first few seconds everything stopped being important to me. Breathing, feeling, living. Nothing felt important for a few seconds. Nothing but him.

Haechan leant against the rail of the ship, hands in his trousers and a smirk on his lips. It almost felt like a déjà-vu. I remembered how I felt when I first saw him. Feelings that were once so innocent and unfamiliar are now unconditional and fierce. “My pretty girl.”, he whispered, and I felt the weight on my shoulders lift. “Are you ready?”

“Ready for what?”, I asked, taking a few steps closer to him. I was craving his closeness, his touch. I needed him to touch me, anywhere. I didn’t mind where.

“Ready to come with me.” My head was clouded, brainwashed by his beautiful voice. But wasn’t that exactly what my father told me, what he warned me about. “I can see your doubt in me, sweetheart. What is it that is plaguing your beautiful mind?”

“Do you plan on killing me?” I don’t know why I asked him that question. I don’t know how I got the strength to break out of the haze, even just a little bit.

“Killing you? Why would I kill you?” His eyes darkened and I could see his body language changing. I could see all of him changing. Haechan let out a chuckle before walking into my direction, stopping when he was right behind me. Brushing my hair back, never once touching me, as he leant down to whisper into my ear.

“I really wanted to kill you at first, my sweet girl. I wanted nothing else but to rip you apart.” My body shut down, letting me fall weakly to my knees just like the day before. I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than five seconds. Haechan kneeled down in front of me, yet again and placed his hand on my cheek. Finally, I could feel him. I could feel the one thing I craved most, his touch. But it didn’t feel how I imagined it to. Instead of lifting me up and making me basked in comfort, it made me flinch. His touch made me want to never see the light of day ever again. “But how could I kill such a beautiful thing? You are my precious girl, aren’t you? So sweet and special.”

I wanted to run, get away from him. I wanted to do anything but to stay with him, but my body didn’t let me. My body stayed down on the ground, heavy and useless. “Does it hurt, love? Does my touch and my words hurt you?” He didn’t need an answer because he knew. He knew how every bone in my body felt like it was on fire as soon as he muttered those words. He knew all I wanted was to make this growing pain stop. “Just come with me. I will make the pain stop.”

When I looked up at him, I saw only a glimpse of him. His skin was pale blue, scales all over it, and his teeth were sharp and long. This wasn’t the boy I met a few nights ago, the boy who made me feel like I was floating on the clouds and the boy who gave me a reason to live. This was a creature, a monster. A siren.

“Go away.”, I croaked out with the last strength I had left in my body.

“Oh no, you poor thing. Don’t be like that.” Not even his voice sounded like the sweet melody I once heard. It didn’t give me sweet pleasure anymore, it only gave me pain. “You love me, or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten all the feelings I inflicted on you? Have you forgotten how good you felt when you were with me? I can make that come back. You just have to come with me.”

“Go to hell.” I didn’t know that this simple sentence could mean the end of my life because the next thing I felt was a sharpness going through my body. And I knew this would be it. This would be the last few seconds before I was gone.

“Y/n!”, I heard someone shout, loud and piercing. I opened my eyes, only to have my vision be blurry. I tried to move, look who that voice belonged to and if I was imagining it again. “Go away and never come back, or I will have you killed and each and everyone of you creatures on this planet.”

I took a hurtful breath and it felt as if my lungs were filled with broken pieces of glass. My eyes tried to stay open, but I didn’t have the strength. “No, Y/n. Stay awake. Please don’t leave me.”

Whiteness surrounded me, filling me up and taking me in. Silence. I heard nothing more than silence. I tried looking around, kicking and fighting as I was trapped in nothing but endless vastness. Far away from me I could see something, or someone waiting for me. I tried to walk towards it, reaching my arms out to grab it, but I never came close.

“It’s not your time yet, Y/n.” And before I could question those words, my eyes opened.

It took me a few seconds to regain my vision, seeing the familiar walls of my room. As I remembered just what had happened, I felt panic filling my body, my breaths coming out faster than normal and my mind spiraling in wild circles.

“It’s okay, Y/n.”, I heard the voice of my father first before I felt his arms around my body, pulling me tightly into him. “Your safe. Nothing can hurt you anymore.”

I looked up at him with wide eyes and my mouth agape. I felt like a little kid again, crying in the arms of my father after having a bad dream. Just that this wasn’t a dream. This is reality.

“It’s okay. We are on our way back home. That creature will never find you again, we made sure of that, okay?” My father held me with so much delicacy, fearing he might break me. “You’re safe. I won’t let anyone, or anything hurt you again.”

And I believed him. There in the arms of my father I believed his words. So, I closed my eyes, let the sleep consume me and hoped that this promise would be one he could keep.

September 10th, 1878

Day 64 on sea

I let the salt air take away all the scars of the past weeks as I watched the soft waves flow under the setting sun. This was the first time in eight days that I had the courage to leave my room. I couldn’t face the place where everything happened. The place where I almost lost myself.

I closed my eyes and imagined the soft grass under my toes, the chirping birds in my ear and the blinding sunlight in my eyes. I imagined biting into a sweet apple, feeling the fresh morning air on my skin and smiling at the veracity of the moment.

“Daydreaming again?”, I heard a voice in front of me, making an actual smile appear on my lips. A smile I haven’t let myself show in a long time.

“What brings you out here? Shouldn’t you be in your bed, sleeping like everyone else is?” Jisung just shrugged his shoulders, his hair softly swaying in the wind.

He showed me a sweet smile, sitting down beside me and taking one of my hands in his. “I am not going to ask you how are doing, since everyone else does that every day.” I nodded at him, grateful for not hearing the repeating question out of his mouth as well. “But I am going to ask you if you still feel the withdrawal, you told me about.”

My eyes filled with tears again and I tried my best to swallow them down. “Yes.”, I mumbled, looking down, too ashamed to let him see me this way. To let him see me so weak and pathetic. “Yes, I still feel it, every day. I long for him, and I know it isn’t right. He isn’t who he showed me to be. I know I was blinded by a trance. I was blinded by need. I know what I am feeling isn’t right and that he wasn’t right. But for a few seconds, for a few seconds every day, it felt real. For a few seconds every day I could just be. I could be me. I could forget the pain and my thoughts, and I could breathe.”

Jisung just nodded his head, not letting go of my hand, but he didn’t say a word. I appreciated that. I appreciated the quietness of him. Because as opposed to the others, he didn’t lecture me on my feelings. He didn’t tell me how it is wrong to feel the way I do and how I should have seen all this coming. He didn’t try to tell me how to move past this, or how to continue living my life. Jisung just stayed silent.

“Why are you awake?”, I asked him after a few moments, breaking the silence he gifted me.

“I couldn’t sleep. And the last time I told you about my sleeping problems, you told me you could tell me a story, like my mother did. A bedtime story to make me fall asleep.” I let the tears that still lingered in my eyes roll down my cold cheeks, as I nodded my head. “Will you tell me one?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. I will tell you any story you want.”

And so, I did.

I told everyone my story.

Bonus

“What took you so long?”

Haechan swam into the cave, brushing past everyone that was looking at him with expecting eyes. He ignored them all and just kept swimming.

“Answer my question.”, Jeno spoke louder this time, but Haechan just kept swimming. He didn’t care that everyone was waiting for him, waiting for him to fulfill his promise, to fulfill all the promises he had made for the past weeks.

“We had a fight.”, he told Jeno with a shrug of his shoulders, nonchalant about the other one’s questions. Haechan could see the disappointment and anger in the faces of everyone in the cave, and he couldn’t care less. He knew what he was doing was right. He knew it was necessary to go through all these lengths to get what he wanted, what everyone wanted.

“A fight?”, his friend repeated, skeptic lingering in his voice. “This isn’t a game, Haechan. We put our trust and time in your hands. How long until this plan of yours backfires? How long until they notice that their ship hasn’t been moving in days? How long until they discover us and put an end us?”

“Jeno.”, Haechan’s eyes piercing into the older boy, voice clearly stating a warning. “Have you lost all your trust in me? I know what I am doing.”

“Are you?” Everyone was looking at the two, anticipating the outcome of this long-awaited conversation. “You were the one promising us you were going to get us this girl. You were the one convincing us how much you were craving her and how much we should as well. And we have given you time, but all you do is play around. This isn’t a game, Haechan. This will determine our lives. Without her, we will not survive, and you are very well aware of that.”

“This is where you are wrong, my dear friend.” Haechan turned his body, facing all the sirens watching him. “This is a game, and I am the leader of it. This girl we are talking about is different from everyone we have ever had. This one is special. She isn’t easily fooled by my tricks, by my voice. She has a smart mind, that one.” A wide grin appeared on the siren’s lips, making him almost look crazy, and his eyes narrowed on his friend yet again. “This one will bring us everything we have ever dreamt of. And it will work. The game I am playing, the fight we were having today, it will all work in the end.”

“How can you be so sure of that?” The question lingered in the quiet of the cave, the eyes of everyone looking at Haechan, faith and trust all in his hands.

“Because it is all going according to plan.”, he announced, voice thick with pride and confidence. “It is all going according to my plan.”

#lee haechan #lee haechan imagine #lee haechan imagines #lee haechan angst #lee haechan nct 127 #lee haechan nct dream #lee haechan nct #nct dream imagines #nct dream x y/n #nct dream x reader #nct dream fanfic #nct imagines #nct 127 imagines #lee haechan x reader #haechan imagines #haechan x reader #haechan x y/n #lee haechan x y/n

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magicalink · 9 months

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Which part of me wasn't good enough?

Art by myangtao on twitter

So most people voted for me to post unfinished drabbles as they are so that's what this is: an unfinished drabble. I wrote it back in august of last year and it was for a collab from a user called bluexiao but that month was very agitated for me, I had lots of family things including helping my grandma recover from a surgery so I never submitted it on time :( And I still can't come up with an ending, so if you like it leave a comment and tell me how would you like it to end. Shall we add some comfort to this story or we leave ig at full angst? Lemme know your thoughts.

"Which part of me wasn´t good enough?” the little puppet had cried, looking up to the distant figure of his god. His creator, the mother who never recognized him.

“Don’t worry, dear boy, for you were always enough for me” you said to the puppet, tending your hand with your heart in it for him.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“Too bad you were never the one I wanted to mean something for” he said bitterly, averting his somber gaze from you.

You retreated your hand with your wounded heart inside of it back to your chest, which ached sharply.

“It’s okay,” you said with a trembling smile on your lips, hiding your pain “It’s normal” you still try to offer him some comfort “We are all not enough for someone we want to please with all our might at least once in our lives”

The silence was so deafening you could hear his uneasy breath. Tears started pricking your eyes, threatening to fall, but you held them in with all your strenght.

"Life can be so cruel sometimes" You muttered and he shooted a glance at you, filled with rage "We always pursue those who don't care about us and we despise those who would die for us," you lamented "Even now, this is the first time you finally look at me, and you do it hatred," you averted your gaze, quickly catching a tear with your thumb, hoping he didn't see it.

Your hands on your chest tend to your wounded heart, trying to soothe its feeble sobs.

The puppet huffed heavily through his nose, observing you with contempt.

"Why would I even look at you?" He barked, with the same lack of mercy he had learned from his mother.

You shook you head gently.

"I just wanted to dry your tears and give you all the affection I felt for you inside this heart." you whispered, said thing still glowing in the center of your bosom "It's not much, but it's all I have." you said, caressing it gently, waiting for it to heal.

His frown didn't leave his face, but this time he glanced at your treasure with interest. That was a heart? The relic he had been meant to hold but was deemed unworthy of?

Was that one yours?

"What would you have done with it? What's in it for me?" He asked cautiously, staring while pondering what to do.

A modest but tender smile perched on your lips.

"I would have hugged you, and craddle you in my arms and told you how much you mean to me. How much I love you with this little heart of mine."

Would that make him feel whole?

Was that all he needed? Would that heart fill the void in his chest?

If there was a possibility, no matter how fleeting it was, he had to have it.

"Prove it." he demanded with the authority he always believed his divine creation bestowed him, as if ignoring the fact that his cheeks were still stained with trails of tears.

You opened your arms for him, your heart shining brighter just by the thought of finally embracing him.

He observed the thing marveled. He wouldn't admit it, but it was far more fascinating than any divinely created machinery he had seen in his long and sad life.

He was ready to tear it away from your chest with a merciless strike of his sword.

But just as the thought was crossing his cold and desperate mind, all his violence was kept in place by your arms.

His eyes widened, shocked. You had closed the gap between the two of you to hug him.

He stayed immobile, unable to process your action, trying desperately to grasp all these new and strange sensations.

The warmth of your body, the softness of your skin, the smell of your hair...the sound of your heart.

He couldn't bring himself to close his eyes when his face was snuggled in your loving chest, your hands caressing his head with immense fondness.

The puppet had never experienced something like that.

After a lifetime of neglect and violence, it was shocking, it was confusing. So he stayed still, unable to process it but unwilling to let go. Bathing in the warm light of your heart.

Since he could not pronounce any more words, you decided to tell him the ones you had wished to tell him for a lifetime.

"You were always enough for me, dearest boy. The sweetest and most beautiful flower," you said, your cheek nestled on his hair.

"Why?" The puppet protested, tears of anger streaming again down his face. Those words were much more than those he wanted to hear from his god, from his mother. And that was the hug she never gave and would never give him.

Then he recieved the most beautiful gift, even if he was unable to appreciate it.

"Because I love you," you admitted, planting an adoring kiss on his head "I always have and I always will..." he grabbed your clothes as if about to push you away to protest "It doesn't matter if you don't love me back, it's okay. It's normal, sometimes our love is unrequited. We both know it very well don't you think?" you smiled at him.

"Why?" He complained, still nudging his head in the sun that was your chest "Why, if you know it? She said it," he cried again, his tears wetting your clothes "I'm fragile, and weak, and I have a hole in my chest that makes me feel empty! I'm not a god like her and I'm not a human like you! You should stay away from a puppet like me!" He exclaimed, taking out his anger on you again.

"If I had a heart like this..." he murmured, his hand making his way up to the center of your chest, where your relic was still shining. The thought of stealing it from you crossed his mind again.

But you stopped him again, cupping his face in your hands to look at him in the eyes.

"You feel a hole in your heart?" You asked, booping his nose with yours.

"Yes!" He whined, squirming in your grab trying to get away.

"And it hurts?"

"Yes!" He barked.

"And it makes you feel like you are empty inside?" You insisted.

"Are you deaf...?" He exclaimed.

"And does it make you feel lost and unlovable, and makes you wander lost through life, from one place to another because you feel you don't belong in any place?" You asked.

"Yes!" He shouted at this point, annoyed by your questions.

"Then what you have in there, my dear boy, is a human heart." you said, pointing the center of his chest with your finger.

He stayed still for a couple of seconds, staring at you, unsettled by your words.

"You are lying." he said, but it was more for himself than for you "You are lying to me." he, repeated, frowning at you in distrust "Look at yours! It's so clean, and warm, and it's shining! And you are so sure about what you want, even if you are insane for even thinking about getting near me!"

"That's because I don't deny it, and I take care of it." you said with a gentle smile "Mine also made me wander through lots of places, and has taken me back to you. And it hurts too. You made it hurt when you rejected it," you admitted with a tint of blush on your cheeks. "But I don't deny that pain, I let it hurt and take care of it to heal it, see?" You point at the mended cracks on it's surface.

"I made that?" He asked, looking closely at the healing wounds of your jewel "Even without my sword?" You nodded "And you're still willing to give it to me?"

Maybe there was no need to steal it from you.

You closed your eyes and sighed. You nodded again.

"Only if this time you accept it." you said, stepping back to cut the hug and taking a hand to your chest.

He wouldn't admit it, but he hated to let your arms go.

"I'll take it, for I was made with no heart and the one I was destined to yield was denied to me." he said, hypnotized by the green light of the treasure you were about to gift him.

You gently shook your head and looked at him with a tender smile. He wouldn't listen to words. He had to see it by himself.

You took your heart delicately and then you stretched it to offer it to him.

He took it with both hands, impatient and desperate, his tears finally drying.

It glowed intensely, warmly, it twinkled between his fingers, as if it was overjoyed of finally being with him. You observed him with a smile again.

But when he took it to his chest, nothing happened. It didn't fit. It didn't enter.

"Told you it wasn't going to work," he said, a knot tying his throat tightly. He was tempted to throw it away in anger, but he still held it to his chest where the hole ached sharply.

You shook your head, enveloping his hands in yours. He lifted his gaze to look at you.

"I told you," you whispered, leaning close to him, trying to comfort him with your warmth "It's because you already have a heart of your own. All you've been looking for was always inside of you." he shook his head too, unwilling to believe you, closing his eyes shut to avoid dropping more tears.

"It's just a hole." he cursed.

"Shh..." you hushed his angry cries, taking your lips to his forehead "It feels like a hole like any human heart. Because you have been denying it and starving it. You have to find it and feed it."

You wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He was getting used to your touch. Then you used you other hand to press your heart to his chest.

He leaned closer to you. The light was warm and cozy.

"See?" You said, pointing at his chest with your glance.

Sorry to cut it but this is all I've got to this drabble, if you got any ideas on how to end it lemme know😅

#scaramouche x reader #fanfic #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin fanfic #writing #scaramouche x you #scaramouche #reader insert #kunikuzushi #genshin fluff #scaramouche fluff #scaramouche angst #genshin angst

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jack-kellys · 9 months

Text

notes from december performance post-previews that i somehow just wrote up last night in august 2023 whattt how did that happennn:

the way jack replies to “you’re seeing stars alright” feels way more in response to crutchie’s attitude- and when he talks abt his dad getting stomped on it’s not just a context reveal. it’s jack telling crutchie he’s self-aware, he understands his shit place in the world and his desire to change it. just that it’s nice to dream. ow

“time for dreaming’s done” isn’t said with a smile. btw. if u even care

jack stealing finch’s mirror gets me every time

katherine looks back at jack at his “im crushed!” with a little smile

i get that the only reason buttons helps with a lot of the tricks is because he’s the DC but that doesn’t make it any less sweet… he’s always with splasher lmao

jack is quite uncomfortable with the nuns, he doesn’t look at any of them

never ever over spalsher’s little head tilt after his big flip

oscar grabs race’s collar on “i guess he didn’t take care of me!”

morris goes to hit crutchie again after pushing him to the ground before jack stops him

love when race bounces on his toes when he thinks he says something funny

morris blows his cig smoke into davey’s face when he’s grabbing him the extra paper

henry imitates les with finch as his davey, hobbling up to weasel down on his knees

jack rolls his eyes after telling davey “it’s just business” after shaking les’s hand. like can u believe this guy lmao

“mine taught me not to starve” looking at davey like ‘wtf is wrong with you’ LMAO. like jack’s irked with davey actually judging for something so ingrained into jack’s life fr

“HEY!! who was that guy >:(!”

medda checks on jack’s hair and he giggles mid sentence :) like “mooom in front of my friends??”

kaths look of Disgust when jack goes “i admire smart girls” is soooo done. she’s finished w this mf

katherine stays on the set as it shifts into WWK’s scene, staring at jack’s drawing, totally absorbed. i just think it’s fun how when davey sees jack’s backdrop he’s stunned in the same way kath is at her portrait. anyway

jack goes toward finch during the “our union is hereby formed to watch each other’s backs” after leaving ike and finch sweeeeerves away from him. finch only comes on board when davey does actually

when jack’s on the wagon with the “what if the delanceys come out swinging” etc he does a small laugh when the newsies all yell their response like he’s surprised !!

katherine is positioned right above the world’s door as if she’s. inside. ofc initially we read it as her just observing from above but it’s her literal building too.

“specs, you take queens.” “thank you!”

buttons gives kath a friendly wave and race offers his water cup when katherine comes into jacobi’s. walks right past the water even as race keeps his hand out lmfao

tommy lifts elmer into his arms after kath says they’d make front page

“this is not some little vaudeville im reviewing” felt more significant

“give those kids and me the brand new century and watch what happens” is a Plea.

welliguessitdependsonhowyoulookatitifyoulookandseebrooklynthenthey’rewithushaha! then race guns toward davey to yell at him

davey is not afraid to yell when his nerves get shot —> when the scabs boutta get they shit rocked

“them? or them.” OSCAR WAVES LMFAOOO

piggyback for les from racer

fight time

-morris has it OUT for racer in the pre-cop half. literally think he gets smacked with the bat TWICE. he’s on the ground, watches splasher get smacked from the ground, and BOLTS UP and races over to him shoving past morris. insane

-jack only swings on the rope to make a clear path for davey and les actually bc that action is the only reason they get to that half of the stage

-finch and romeo teammates for LIFE. they fought like the whole thing together fr. only pair that stuck out to me for the whole length of it (and then of course they watch crutchie get taken from the audience ough)

-nah jack Is a good fighter thru this it’s just the seize the day moment w the delanceys that he’s shit at btw

-davey doesn’t fight literally at all the whole time :/ c’mon. uncanonizing this in my mind

-SPECS KICKS ASS !! he’s got a bat and everything!! fuck yeah!!

shut up jack wipes at his eye during santa fe at “guy can catch a break”

^guy who lets out a sigh of relief when the post card is still in his pocket. fuck off

act twooo

kath goes to racer abt where jack might’ve gone and he’s abt to answer before albert pipes up

race flicking davey’s hat to the side>

^also they keep chatting thru tap sequences i love it

kath holding davey’s hand while they talk in the corner during table movement

crutchie holds his side when he sings…

^the only part crutchie gets teary at is when he starts talking abt the boys/family :,)

“and a little something extra, just on account of im gonna miss you so-” sounds like medda broke off bc her voice got watery 🥲

“every newsie—who could walk—was out there selling papes” OW the rephrasing of that line

as soon as jack turns his backdrop around to show the strike painting davey walks away soooo fast to turn away

WWH reprise is such an argument. “WE’RE ALREADY WINNING!!” yell davey yell!!

^jack makes the most fuming, boiling angry face after “y’know why a snake starts to rattle 😌?”

davey initiates the spit shake when jack offers his hand

kath is Mortified watching snyder expose jack’s refuge history AND SHES SO MAD when pulitzer gets between her and jack omfg

“be glad you’re alive, kid” is spoken and cruel asf but wbk

morris’s laugh kills me everytime it’s so fucked in the head. goddamn

jack doesn’t let davey touch him when he enters the rally like he doesn’t want davey to look like he knew abt the betrayal beforehand….

scope runs RIGHT up to jack after spot pushes him and goes to yell at him LMAO… lucky has to drag her away

“is that really what it’s like in there? rats everywhere, and vermin?” is taken as judgement and not concern and jack fuckin jumps on it LMAO

the actual motion of disgust jack makes at “you just double crossed us to your father- your… father.” dead every time he literally flinches

“i just didn’t tell you everything!!” is said at the opposite side of the stage as jack and looking down and away. idk why she’s the only katherine that has ever played this line as guilty but i’m always so glad for it

“i’m not stupid.” “no-” “i know girls like you… don’t wind up with guys.. like me.” heathers voice: i will never shut up abooout this

jack seems very afraid of the word love?? during kath’s entire piece of STBI he stays away from her… and she def thinks she’s fucked up for a sec fr

wah this song is so tender :( they hold each other very softly

“hey! um… it’s good to have ya back.”

clarice’s spot also has a moment with race beside just letting the kids into the cellar together..<3 ik lillie’s has more tho

there is something so personal abt davey jacobs saying “bleeeed ‘eeeem” while looking dead into jack’s eyes

davey’s reckless hug once jack’s made the deal with pulitzer… every timeeee

FINCH CRUTCHIE HUG!! first to get to him and holds him the longest before race and jack come along :)

“new york’s got us. and we’ a family.” is said as such a statement of fact like crutchie just ends any argument right there. he just knows jack so fucking well.

#literally watched the brawl like 5 times at .75 speed LMFOAOO #i care abt it so much . cannot believe i haven’t done a fight fic yet it’s cruel #newsies #newsies uk #uksies #analysis #but mostly for the sillies #fizz freaks #i miss my analysis posts ok i was on such a high in london

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fernandezology · 1 year

Note

hi i was wondering if you could do gavi fluff where after he scores his first goal of the season or something and the reader starts crying with how she proud of him she is and it’s all fluffy SHDHFHB x

this one is for you-pablo gavi

pairing: pablo gavi x reader

author’s note:i changed it a bit and this one is about his first goal for barcelona,i hope you don’t mind! thank you so much for requesting this,it’s such a cute idea and i hope you will like this as much as i liked writing this :)

word count: 1,000

what is a life without dream? when growing up,everyone looked up to someone as an inspiration. some wanted to be doctors,firefighters,some want to be pilots and be as close as possible to clouds. some literally wanna reach the stars and fly-so they go on to become astronauts. although pablo didn’t wanted to be astronaut or pilot,everyone around him from young age knew sky was his limit. pablo’s dream since he can remember was to play for barcelona under lights of one and only camp nou. dream of million little boys all around the world is about to become a reality for your boy. one of dates he will remember forever is 29th august 2021,when he made his first appearance for barcelona. when you told him he made the history,it wasn’t an exaggeration. just 24 days after his 17th birthday,he became the fourth youngest player to appear for barcelona in la liga. you will never remember how happy he looked when he stepped on that pitch. before the game,he said something that you wrote down when he gets a documentary one day.

“tonight i’m gonna leave my heart on the pitch for every little boy that is dreaming of doing the same. and more importantly,for every girl that believes in them.”

it is safe to say that he fulfilled his promise and you didn’t miss out on a single game ever since then. he was the happiest kid in the world. a thousand things went through his head and he had to admit that he felt bit nervous before. nonetheless,as soon as he stepped on the pitch nerves disappeared when he remembered you were watching him from the stands,as you always did. looking back on it,it was not that long ago when you were still kids. to be fair,pablo is still like a kid but that’s one of the many things you love about him. that is one of things that will never change. not that long ago he broke your window with ball when he was playing on street. even though your dad jokes with him that he still didn’t forgive him for that,everyone knows he loves him like his own son.

a few months went by,but pablo felt like he disappointed you and everyone else around him because he struggled to score. everyone backed him up;from coaches,parents,friend and,of course,teammates in the locker room. his disappointment in himself didn’t go unnoticed by you.after all you knew him better than yourself. everyone noticed his head was down and he wasn’t his usual self. he was undeniably charismatic and light up every room he walked in. naturally,everyone were determined to lift him up just like he did them anytime they needed it.

“your time will come,just be patient and don’t lose your mind over it. i know you wanna prove yourself,but you already exceeded everyone’s expectations and this is only the start.”

“what if i don’t live up to expectations and end up being…average?”

“last time i checked average players don’t start for barcelona at 17 years old and don’t get called golden boy.”

“you are just saying that to make me feel better but thank you.”

“you are adorable when you pout,but seriously don’t be so harsh on yourself.”

“you’re right,enough of pouting…for now. i was thinking,what celebration i should do when i finally score? it’s probably not gonna be today buy yeah…”

“hmm i don’t know,maybe kiss the badge? you always liked to do that.”

“yeah,i might do that one.”

“you know i will always be there and i can’t wait to see that,but don’t stress yourself over it.”

“i love you so much,princesa. are you ready,i don’t want to be late,xavi will kill me.”

“yeah,i’m coming. don’t want you to get in trouble,do we?”

it was hard to point out what exactly gave the impression that tonight would be special,but you just had that feeling. after you found your seat at camp nou before their game against elche,you were soaking up the atmosphere and thinking to yourself that people that have never been at this magical stadium don’t know what are they missing out on. these last few weeks you developed a habit of taking pictures of kids who had pablo’s jersey to show him after games. it still felt so unreal and he couldn’t help but blush everytime you showed him pictures. it reminded him of how proudly wore his iniesta jersey he got for birthday. fast foward to today,now someone is wearing jersey with his name on back. crazy how things can turn around.

you were confident that barcelona will win but in football,anything is possible like pablo always reminded you so you didn’t want to underestimate opponents. first 15 minutes went by quickly and everyone felt more relieved when barcelona scored the opening goal. you were so focused on pablo because you didn’t want to miss anything and truthfully because he was mesmerizing as always. you wanted to take countless photos,but it felt pointless to record during whole match when you can enjoy the moment. thankfully you don’t have to worry about photos because there are tens of photographers on the sideline and you mentally thanked them for their service. few minutes later,you saw him slaloming through their midfield. could this be the moment he was waiting for? it was. for a moment,it felt like the world stopped spinning and the only thing you could hear is announcer screaming his name. you rarely cried,but when you did they were tears of joy. he instinctively kissed the badge and unlike some who do it out of lust,he did it to show undying loyalty to club and fans. to show his loyalty and gratitude for you,he wrote you a message with black marker under his jersey. he revealed “este es para ti princesa<3” and all you could’ve think about is how lucky you were that he was the one that broke windows of your castle. maybe your childhood dreams of being a princess weren’t far-fetched after all. fairytale days were supposed to be over long time ago,yet it didn’t feel like they are ending anytime soon.

#pablo gavi #pablo gavi x reader #pablo gavi imagine #barcelona fc #football imagines #pablo gavi fluff #fic rec

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n7punk · 4 months

Text

2023 Writing Wrapped!

I think I forgot to do this last year but I was a little burnt out at the time. I had so much fun writing this year I wanted to do a little retrospective/celebration for it (which I encourage everyone to do! Even if you wrote just one fic, take a second to congratulation yourself for accomplishing it).

I wrote 34 fics and updated 118 times this year. Almost half of those were for the Children of the Crystal series (16 fics) but that series was so fun and clocks in at 121k so I'm totally okay with that. If anything, that's a bit of equalizing, because I know my fics are a lot longer on average than most people's since I write a lot of longer AUs (quick math off the top of my head is about half my fics are longer AUs) so now my words-per-fic average is probably a bit closer to usual lol. Actually that got me curious and my average is 20,176 which is honestly lower than I was expecting but still almost certainly higher than average since I've seen a lot of profiles without a single fic that long. Okay I'm a nerd and I did the math and it was only 21,041 before this year which is way more surprising since I really would have thought it was more.

Anyway, I posted 610k words this year between all my fics (though I wrote more in WIPs and upcoming projects). I had so much fun with a lot of the fics I did this year. Children of the Crystal is still a stand out for me, but I'm SO proud of 'the long way down' and I spent the first half of the year pretty feral for each idea as I tore through Hurricane Adora, As Many Lives As It Takes (To Be With You), Superzero, City of Angels, Trade Today For Tomorrow, and CotC of course. February through August I averaged 12 updates a month which is. insane. I updated daily for 12 days in a row in July/August for CotC, and I spent most of that fic series updating every other day.

A lot of that creative energy came from the health stuff that has been bogging me down for a few years (and especially last year) improving, and though I'm still dealing with that, I'm doing a lot better and it has really felt like rediscovering my creative passion. I had a span from like March-ish trhough August I called my "unhinged era" between how feral I was for my ideas, how much I was updating, and just how wild some of those ideas were lol. My slow down at the end of the year came from starting a new job that was very demanding and especially exhausting with my health issues, plus health issues for the rest of my family, but I've still been averaging updating once or twice a week since, so I'm happy with that given everything that has been going on.

Now let's get to the two big ones.

Writing streaks: Definitely not for everyone, but for me they're really motivating and 100% the reason I was able to keep up momentum these last three months with work. I wrote every single day this year. I still can't believe that. Sure, some days it was literally 50 words at the end of the day when I was exhausted, but I also had my highest single-word count day since I started recording them this year at 12,738 on July 18th when I was writing CotC. My previous record was 94 days in a row. 364 is a huge leap. I don't know where I'm going to go with my streak from here. On one hand, it was hugely motivating. On the other, you always want to be careful to prevent burnout. For now, allowing myself to count days where I barely do anything as long as I engage with my WIP seems like a good middle ground since it keeps me motivated and connected to what I'm writing while letting me mostly take time off. I'm exploring more creative hobbies like painting in my free time, though, and as long as I've created that day I don't necessarily feel the need to write, so we'll see if I reconsider my writing streak as a "creating" streak in the future, but for now I'm just going to see how long I can go.

And the final one... my stupid goal.

I can't remember if it was at the end of last year or the start of this one when an anon pointed out how much I had written and I realized I was something like .99% of all Catradora fics on AO3, but my ridiculous goal for this year was to get my fics to 1% of the entire Catradora tag. This goal... I half reached. It takes a bit of explaining.

First, when I first set that goal, I think needed to write twenty-something more fics to reach it. Obviously, I well exceeded that goal at 34 fics, but as I was writing, so was everyone else, so the number of fics I needed to write to reach 1% increased. In the sense of my original benchmark, I definitely passed my goal.

Second, as I write this, AO3 shows there are 11,632 Catradora fics. You can consider 1% of this to be either 116 or 117 depending on rounding. I have 117 She-ra fics, but one of those is a Glimbow fic with no mention of Catradora, so that takes me to 116. However, one of those 116 is tagged as Adora & Catra because it's the CotC fic from when they're small children and meeting for the first time. I consider it a Catradora fic, but it's not actually in the tag and thus doesn't contribute to it. As such, I've fallen short at 115/117, but I really do consider this goal complete for this year given that I passed the initial milestone, the rounding makes the final number debatably 116, and I do actually have 116 "Catradora-centric" fics. That said, I'm very aware those are technicalities and I have a special celebration planned for when I actually, officially become 1% of the tag, so look out for that :) It'll be a great way to celebrate the new year. I'm hoping/planning to do it in the next week or two.

The future: I'm ending this year and starting the next trying to clean up a bunch of WIPs since my fic folder is getting a little ridiculous with the (mostly Outside of the War) one-shots I've written one scene or just a description for, which feels like a really fitting way to end off the year, accomplishing my goals and making everything neat and tidy. I have like 7~ to work though, though my actual goal is maybe 4-5 since I don't want to "force" myself to work on an idea if I'm not feeling it at the second, but I also have a longer AU calling my name, and I don't want to ignore an idea interesting me either... so we'll see, but I'm excited for everything I'm working on right now, and that feels really good. I finished last year in kind of a rough place writing/creativity wise, and I'm finishing this year really excited for everything I did and everything upcoming, so that feels pretty great :)

Thank you to everyone who read and commented this year! I know I ran out of energy to keep up with comments a lot, but they really made me smile so much and I appreciate them so much. Some days they were the difference between the motivation to write 1000 words versus 50. Thanks for another great year!

#fic rambling #ficmeta #mylife

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its-short-for-jackalope · 7 months

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WOW! THAT WAS SOME LORE, HUH? :D

reposting this meme bc it's true and bc I really like it, lol

I have quite literally been scribbling notes on a scrap of paper like a madman while rewatching TGOA part 3 as many times as possible, just jotting down all the mindboggling information we've been given, and some less direct stuff that I could be reading too much into but is fun and neat even if it doesn't amount to anything crazy and galaxy-brained, lol.

So click/tap below the cut for rambles about the final part of Pulp Musicals episode 3

The Ghosts of Antikythera ⚓️

Names, Names, Names!!!

Hey, might as well start with all the new names we've gotten!

The captain of the Antikythera — the ghost ship from 'someplace else' — is Addison Arvad.

Kal (my beloved/beloathed ❤ ) is Kalfu

The Traveler we met in TBS is Sia 💖💖

Ahlaam is another Traveler. I adore her already, and not just because she saved Rose.

Dakkar is... somebody. As expected, I've been going crazy in my dms with @man-down-in-hatchet-town, and she believes Dakkar is probably inspired by/based on Captain Nemo? 👀

King(?!) Itzal is... probably bad news! Kal's the one who calls him a King and he is obviously pretty loyal and devoted to him, and wants to impress him (aww), so methinks Itzal is maybe not so good???? (I am also a proud supporter of Brooke's Dylan Saunders as Itzal campaign, lol)

The Blazing World is home. It's where the Travelers and the Antikythera's Searchers (rip) are from, it was destroyed once—but is being rebuilt?—and Kalfu and Itzal seem to want it gone for good.

Lincoln Island is the mysterious island our heroes on the Ellen Austin are approaching at the end of the episode, the place Ahlaam sent Rose and the Antikythera to via orrery.

Quick *Approximate* Timeline

Eh, what can I say? We got numbers and I decided to do a tiny bit of math about it.

1874 — the Antikythera & the Ellen Austin

🔴 YOU ARE HERE

🎶 When are we? 🎶 Well, Morgan Reese informs our time-traveling heroes that, uh yeah lol, last he checked the year was 1874. What a funny question from a bunch of rapscallions!

Captain Arvad's logs from the Antikythera start in January 1874, so we know the Searchers were out and about in this same year. Their disappearances were recent and the ship hasn't been empty for all that long, I don't think.

1865 — may this monument stand forever

On this site in 1835, Sir John Herschel and Anna Hanover launched the first brick satellite, the Sagitta, in what was known as Township Number Nine. Erected to commemorate their bravery, to thank them for their gift to all mankind, may this monument stand forever.

Dedicated August, 1865.

1864 — the dark angel appears

A desperate AJ makes his ill-fated deal with Kal in exchange for his crew's safety during the Battle of Mobile Bay.

Damn the torpedoes.

1835 — the beginning of our adventure

🎶 IT IS EIGHTEEN THIRTY-FIVE 🎶 and the Great Moon Hoax and The Brick Satellite both happen in this year. Things were so simple back then!

1829 — the Blazing World is destroyed

In 1874, we are told (first by Arvad's journal, and then by Sia) that their home, that the Blazing World was destroyed 45 years ago. If my math is right and they're not hippity-hopping too much in time (they have time travel capabilities so idk for sure) that would put the destruction of the Blazing World in 1829.

If the world being destroyed is also the Event that Kal alludes to in Gunpowder and Rum, pt. 3 ("Your powers are returning and you still don't remember what happened? 😒") AND it's the one that left Margaret without her memories and powers, then... could Margaret have been feeling lost, alone, and disconnected with her phantom pain in New York for 6 whole years before the Stratfords wrote the hoax that would bring the quartet together??? 🥺

And while we're on the subject of time passing!

If Sia and Kalfu and everyone besides the quartet has gotten to 1874 the long way 'round... (which I think is the case if Kal snarked at Sia for hiding Margaret in the future—if he has a sense of the future in relation to the world and time, I'd say this also implies he & the others have a pretty consistent present?) ...have they aged? Or does their magic also lengthen their lives? I imagine it would be mentioned if Sia was visibly older, and since Samuel described Kal as looking ~40 years old, then how could he be younger than the war he's been in? lol. But idk, this is just food for thought!

Kal Loves His Lore Dumps, Doesn't he? This one's mostly about Margaret <3

"You've proven quite elusive over the years... We've searched across the seven seas... I suppose it's only fitting that I find you here by chance, looking for an orrery! I'd have settled for the ship, what's its name? An-ti-ky-ther-a. But you will be quite the prize. It's you that will seal our victory! A ship from the Blazing World would have been quite the quarry. But you? That could end things once and for all!"

"The ship, the orrery, they don't matter now. Not when I can dispatch the two biggest traitors in history with just one blow!"

Seems like our girl is pretty special~ 🥰

I mean, of course she is, she's our Margaret, but if Kal is willing to let the Antikythera go to get her instead, and he's so convinced that taking her out will win the war... our girl is Pretty Special™ right? Maybe she's a princess or something, or maybe her Radiance is just that heckin' strong. idk, but I'm excited to find out either way.

I'm also wondering if there's a connection between Margaret and the orrery/orreries... If Kal thought it was fitting to find her when he was after the orrery, does that mean something more? Could Margaret have created the orreries and/or the magic behind them? 👀

...actually maybe this isn't such a good and fun thing. 😅😟 Things don't usually go very well for special and important characters—what is the saying, tragedies love heroes? I mean, Margaret has lost her powers and memories once already, as well as her home and whatever family she may have had before. I know all our pulp blorbos have been in dire straights a few times now, but I don't want them to get MORE DIRE than this!

Kalfu, Sia, & Margaret's history

Kal: High marks for cloaking the fleet, but seriously—

...

Kal: Come on, it's a Traveler reunion.

...

Kal: Just a drink between three friends.

...

Sia: Oh, you were once a man that I trusted. Tell me, where has he been?

...

Sia: Itzal poisoned your mind!

Kal: Itzal opened my mind!

...

Sia and Margaret: *powering up*

Sia: Hey, Kalfu!

Kal: Huh? Ugh, not again.

Kal: *team rocket fog's blasting off again*

I think it's pretty safe to say that, once upon a time, these three were once close. Maybe they were friends and peers, or maybe Kalfu was once Sia and/or Margaret's mentor with that "high marks" comment. Whatever the case, they used to be allies who trusted each other.

I think it's also safe to say all three of them are/were Travelers. Obviously Sia is, and Margaret probably is/was one as well, since she and Sia have a badass combined attack (that I'm betting they used against Kalfu ~45 years prior). As for Kal... I don't know how the radiance and the fog fit together exactly, whether they've always been separate or the fog is a dark bastardization of the radiance, but it seems like he is on equal footing with Sia as far as magic powers go, and he can teleport like they do—AJ witnessed this at the Battle of Mobile Bay, and Samuel did (kinda) on the deck of the Ellen Austin. I don't know if that's the only qualification for being a Traveler, but it's worth mentioning.

It seems like Itzal was a pretty big factor in this trio splitting up—for whatever reason, Kal turned his back on Sia and Margaret to follow him, or perhaps Sia and Margaret left Kal behind when he wouldn't leave with them. I don't know, but I want to—I have questions!!!

Sia and Itzal — Future sight?

Kal (to Sia): You know, for someone with precognitive abilities, you sure like to cut things close. 😒

...

Kal: How I wish King Itzal was here to witness this. Or did he already know? Eh.

There's not much to say about this, really, I just think it's interesting.

But it does make me wonder if Sia *knew* that sending Margaret and the others to Hanover in 1874 would lead Margaret to the Antikythera and help her regain her memories, even if Sia couldn't see much more than that. Like, if she knew that Kal would be there, I don't think she would have put Margaret at risk like that when she was still vulnerable. Unless she was betting on Margaret figuring things out before Kal could make his move... gah, who knows! (Matt. Matt knows.) We do know that Sia can't see everything, though—she knows that the crew of the Antikythera are gone but has to ask Kal what he did with them.

Also, obligatory "yikes 😬" at the idea of having an enemy (King Itzal) who could possibly see your attacks/plans before you make them. That can't make this war any easier!

Fogging the vortices, you say?

Kal: We've been fogging the vortices for decades. There was bound to be an Antikythera sooner or later.

Vortices.... plural for vortex, yeah?

"A mass of whirling fluid or air, especially a whirlpool or whirlwind."

Is one of these vortices located here in the Sargasso Sea? Is that why Rose already knows plenty of ghost stories about these waters, why this is a strange place that'll one day be dubbed the Bermuda Triangle? Where are the other vortices??? How many are there??? What are they, exactly???

Okay, but what about the gates?

Kal: A war for a world of power and might

Sia: A war for a world of courage and light

Kal: Fought over decades

Sia: Over ascension

Kal/Sia: No chance of surrender, no chance of redemption

I'm just throwing darts here, but I feel like 'ascension' has to do with the gates that have been alluded to a few times now?

First, in TBS, Sia told Margaret that she couldn't take her to the gate until her memories were back. Then in part 2 of TGOA, Kal said something about the Antikythera's orrery leading him to the first gate.

I don't think these gates are the same thing as the vortices—if the bad guys have already been 'fogging' them, then Kal wouldn't need an orrery to find them.

The gates probably lead to the Blazing World, right? Kal and Itzal want to destroy the Blazing World for good, which is why Kal was trying to get the orrery, to get to the gate, to ascend to the Blazing World and turn it to dust once and for all.

Travelers and Symbols/Elements/Associations

To finish up, here's one of the things I've noticed more recently. We have four magical characters now who seem to be at similar levels of power and might all be/have been Travelers, and maybe it's just a fun bit of flavor rather than anything Extremely Vital to the plot, but they each seem to have their own kind of... niche?

Lemme run through 'em real quick.

Kalfu—

● Want a drink?

● Gunpowder and rum, too strong for some! 🎶

● And poison... is kinda my thing.

● Non-lethal fog, my latest brew

Kal's easy to figure out—he's been pretty clear with his gunpowder and rum (delicious!) and once he revealed it he's been very cheeky and upfront about his use of/preference for poison too. He also stands out as the only person wielding fog, but I'm sure that'll change as we delve further into the dark and into this war we're learning about.

Sia—

● "Was that sunlight shining in the sphere?"

● We're here to light the fuse

● Lay another hand on her and you'll go down in flames

● I will always be that feeling burning under your skin

hehe okay, Sia is the reason this whole section of my post exists lol. I noticed the references to fire in enough of her lines/lyrics in part 3 that I thought it couldn't be a coincidence, and then I looked at the others. I just think it's neat!

Maybe these lines are just nods to the fact that light can burn as well as illuminate—Kalfu would probably know, hah—but it is fun to think that maybe we could see our first and dearest Traveler friend whip out some cool fire magic later on—when she's not duking it out with somebody on a wooden boat, lol.

I'd love that for her, tbh.

...especially because alcohol is flammable. :)

Ahlaam—

Narrator: In a blinding flash, a woman materialized, and with a single motion, she pushed the water of the room with her mind

Okay, I fully admit this is mostly just a reason for me to make another waterbending joke. Ahlaam's appearance in this episode wasn't really long enough to give us much information about her, but I mean we also haven't seen anyone else do anything with water until she came along, so... if we see her do more stuff like this and she has more associations with water in episode 4 onwards, I will feel pretty smart. 😌

Margaret—

● the moon

● the sea

● astronomy

we might not know much about Margaret's magic beyond how brightly it glows—which isn't unique to her—and what she's been able to do with it, be we do know that she has a connection with the moon, of course.

I think we could also argue that she has a pull to the sea—mostly because of the view from her window and the rooftop, overlooking the water. Learning about the Searchers and the fact that Kal was looking for Margaret on the sea supports this connection, but again, that doesn't really single her out from the others.

Margaret does have an appreciation for astronomy, but even that might not be super unique, if her people have orreries on every ship and they all look up to the sky. However... my brain is still chewing on a possible connection between Margaret and the orrery, because of what Kal said. It would be pretty rad if she was the one who designed and crafted them, figured out that magic. So idk, that could be something.

If her memories are returning, maybe we'll see her really start to shine amongst her fellow Travelers as she recalls more about herself and brings together the person that resides in her memories and the person that losing her memories made her into.

phew, okay! this is a long post and I am now very sleepy, lol. I'm sure I missed a few things—I didn't take any *literal* notes during parts 1 & 2 and it'll be a few days before I get the album and lose my mind again—but maybe there's a few things I managed to catch that y'all will enjoy.

As always, feel free to reply/reblog with your own thoughts!!!

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foxes-that-run · 2 months

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Part 1: Harry’s Heart tattoo

This post is in three parts:

When Harry got the Heart tattoo

70 Heart Kisses (1D years), and

70 Heart Kisses continued. (Solo career)

The amazing @womanexile and @this-daydream-is-dangerous-13 started this off with finding a good chunk of these. Thank you @cntfightmydemonsthyknowhowtoswim for your amazing timeline help. This is by no means complete, which I think is impossible.

It’s also important to note that only Harry knows what this tattoo is about, why he kisses it or if that is for one person and who that may be. Below is a list of times he has kissed it with other events at that time. To me, many kisses appear to be about personal milestones.

youtube

22 June 2012 - Arm kiss - Harry kissed this part of his arm during ‘More than this’ at radio Disney (3:13). Some fans edit this footage, I think watching it in context seems quite different to some edits.

Many edits of this and other kisses also often cut the song out completely, Harry seems to express something he’s thinking so the song matters. When Harry introduced ‘More than This’ in the Listening Party for Up All Night he said it was his favorite song on the album and ‘a deep one’. The song is about a shy guy being sad his love interest is with someone who loves her less - wondering if it is because he is shy and he gets the courage to ask her.

Harry and Taylor had been together since 20 May 2012. 15 May Taylor wrote Run with Ed Sheeran with the lyric “there’s a heart on your sleeve, I take it when you leave and hold it for you”

10 June - Taylor wrote in her Journal: "God I've been having such a beautiful life lately. I can't believe it. It's like there's magic in the air".

15 June - Harry got the Won’t stop till we surrender tattoo, close to here on the underside of his arm, on the anniversary of Taylor having the same song as arm lyrics.

16 June - Ed had said that Harry ‘was taken’ (21 mins).

18-21 June - 1D had a week off and Harry and Taylor were in LA and then unseen. Liam and Niall did several twitcams, Louis with Eleanor everyday in LA, Zayn left LA.

21 June - their first day back at work was the blank arm kiss, both were still in LA.

23 June - the band left LA and said Harry was the best wing man with the worst luck with girls for himself. Liam called him a lonely old man and Harry looked sad. In the same interview Harry said his favorite 1D song was I Want (about a girl that wants material things) and Kings of Leon’s Use Somebody (about being lonely while touring) as his favorite of other artists.

26 June - Harry was seen crying outside what is said to be a radio station.

1 July - (a week after Harry and Taylor were last together) Taylor was first seen with Connor Kennedy. Harry then started being pictured on random dates.

So the arm kiss during a song about a shy guy’s love being with the wrong guy followed the band saying he had had some terrible luck with ladies then Taylor started publicly dating Connor.

Heart Tattoo

Taylor was last seen with Connor 19 August, Harry got Never Gonna Dance Tattoo 2 days later. By 4 September 1D and Taylor were both in LA for VMA rehearsals, the public saw the first photo of them together.

24 September - Harry tells Nick Grimshaw they are filming tour screens for 3 days. Neither love banner nor heart tattoo in the tour screens.

25 September- Harry gets the Love Banner Tattoo (covered by the left sparrow in Nov). It is assumed the Heart Tattoo also, because it’s not in the tour screens.

26 September - Niall told Nick Grimshaw they had a press day. Harry's heart tattoo can be seen on Chart Show TV, seems to be not filled or still healing. The band do a lot of interviews that day, at some point Harry gets moved so his arm is away from the camera and in some his arm is cut off the frame. The videos are used by many outlets throughout October and November.

27 September - Entertainment on demand is first to run where the Tattoo is visible.

30 September - Harry MIA and Taylor in Paris to film Begin Again

1- 15 October - in London together, 1D and Taylor both perform Teen Choice Awards

17 October - Harry posted pink and blue heart tattoo photo. Taylor also shared a lover journal entry for October 17, 2012, LA where she wrote this Love lyrics.

See 2012 Timeline

Tattoo meaning

We don’t know the meaning. To me, having kissed his bare arm in this place hints that it was planned, I think the timing may have been purposeful, as several tattoos seem to be. Perhaps he achieved the goal in “more than this” (Overcome shyness to be with his partner). Harry also seems to have meaning in when he kisses the right arm. I wonder if some of those are about a different partner or because he was not dating Taylor. Harry also kissed ‘Things I can’ after some break ups. The kisses on the anatomical heart seem to have a similar meaning to the first heart, but maybe a more mature love. He had also kissed the anchor.

Songs

The next 2 posts are a timeline of 70 times Harry has kissed his arm (actually 77 for a 10% margin of other tattoos/arm and coughs). Harry has kissed his heart in more than 30 songs. In this list, You and I, Sweet Creature and Two Ghosts/Falling have the most kisses. Followed by LOML, Night Changes, and Last First Kiss. The most heart kisses are actually in 2022, followed by 2014, in tie for third is 2015 and 2021.

The marker heart

A well trodden but poorly referenced story is that on the X-factor Tour (February - April 2011) Harry once had a heart drawn in marker on his arm.

The earliest I can find this photo posted is here in a group of photos on 7 July 2011. It is taken in a dressing room, you can see Lou Teasdale in the background, her name is on his chest and Lou has the same tattoo. Lou’s then boyfriend Tom Aitken also has this tattoo.

Tom tattooed Harry’s “Never Gonna Dance” the month before Harry got the heart and said that Lou’s Heart was first and that ‘Harry’s is kind of diff. It’s quite a popular one’. They also drew it on their baby in marker.

Other members of 1D have heart tattoos in a different place or design, this post is about why matching tattoos ….match.

I’ve read “when Harry turned 18 he got it tattooed”. Harry got the Star when he turned 18, this was 8 months and 17 tattoos later. He got the tattoo at a time that was meaningful to him.

In the 2011 timeline there’s fair indication Harry and Taylor knew each other then anyway.

Taylor also had a marker heart on her foot on the Debut CD. In this interview she talked about getting it tattooed if Debut went double platinum, (now x7, but she didn’t.) However I don’t think either marker heart has special meaning other than Harry planned this tattoo.

Run, a song Taylor and Ed wrote in May 2012 about Harry refers to a Heart on your sleeve also:

#haylor #harry styles #Youtube #tattoo kiss #harry's tattoos

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tricitymonsters · 10 months

Text

This is mostly taken from my kickstarter update but I wanted to post it here for yall too.

Tri City Monsters has funded at 141% with the help of 273 backers! The total raised was $7,064!!

Firstly, I want to say thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart for helping me make this game. For backers to trust and believe in the project to make pledges literally just makes my stupid little goblin heart swell. I had someone pledge over $300. I had an ARMY of $2 and $5 pledges that did so much heavy lifting together and everything in between. I had snipers down at the last second putting pledges in. It's insane!

Beyond pledges though, I want to specifically thank everyone who took time to play the game on itch, who wishlisted on steam, who talked about it on socials, who drew or made posts or wrote about it. Your effort to get the game seen was fucking HUGE. And it WORKED. TCM doesn't have a formal marketing budget- while I did save up and set aside some specific money this month for blaze posts and some other ad runs, the fact of the matter is that you guys did a ton of heavy lifting and I don't make the kind of money it would take to buy those numbers. (Not a lot of indies do, that's how much you guys pushed).

I want to cringe call out/ profusely thank @booket-png as the game's lead artist but also as a huge and wonderful help in all the design work that's constantly being done with this thing, @epoch-smog for tolerating me posting their drawings constantly, plus @coyoxxtl, @rainmonarch, @mineshaft-birdie, @gedankenmoon ALL of whom are a constant support team and also blorbo crucible who tell me to keep making Kazu taller and his tits bigger like a little pack of shoulder devils when I waffle.

Sometimes they say raising a kid takes a village and I'd like to add that making indie games takes a community. So! Not to belabor the point but THANK YOU!

To business:

As mentioned in during the campaign, I will be using Pledgebox to help me organize orders and move ahead with logistics way later down the line when we get to that point. To reiterate some important dates, here's what the immediate future is kinda going to look like:

I'm happy to report that I've already got a head start on some of the digital rewards

Backer surveys will go out towards the end of July at the earliest, I may push it back a little bit depending but I want to give Kickstarter the full 14 days to collect payments with some buffer.

These surveys will be where you can choose variants for what products you purchased. So if you backed for a daki, you'll be able to choose your character at this point.

Digital rewards will begin filling in July as well. I hope to have the discord space ready for you within a week or two (the tcm server is chill to hang out in anyway but a backer dedicated space will give you instant updates and banter with me as I'm working plus you'll be able to talk about love letter contents and pinups and stuff like that without a lot of worry about spoilers or anything. I hope to see yall there soon!)

The wallpaper pack will be quick to follow this.

I would like to finish all the love letters before I begin releasing them, right now that's also looking to be a late July delivery, possibly early August delivery. I've gotten a couple done already and they're very fun to work on, I think yall will enjoy them a lot! >:3c

Pinups will be on a longer time scale. I have one of three artists confirmed (Atlas will be doing Mori's!) and we're going to go through their schedule to see what their timeframe looks like. Regardless, you can expect updates on that as I make progress.

As far as the physical merch, remember that fulfillment is slated to begin Q1 2024. The process to produce physical goods is long and I want to have plenty of time to carefully go over samples and get through packing and shipping.

Also slated for Q1 is the prologue release! The prologue will be one long introductory chapter featuring all three ROs and will segue into the route of your choosing.

And then, my goal is to update the game each subsequent month with a chapter update to one character's route, cycling through all of them in turn until we can wrap them up.

SO this is my plan for the latter half of 2023 now that the Kickstarter is over but I'm going to pull a Nintendo Direct because I have one final announcement to make.

The Pledgebox will continue to sell TCM merch, including digital stretch goal access, for the next few months while I prepare all of this stuff.

If there's something you missed, you'll be able to add it to pick it up through TCM's Preorder Page

Please be sure to contact me if you have any questions or need clarification regarding the Pledgebox page, you can find me on discord 99% of the time (i'm pockatuck) or message me here!

As always, transparency is a huge priority for me so please expect more updates as all of these tasks get underway!

in TOTAL gratitude,

cloud

#SORRY I'M LONG WINDED I'M A WRITER #i'm SO FUCKING TIRED #if i forgot anyone by name its because i have swiss cheese brain and like 2 braincells #the coffee did not help this morning #but know that i love you

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deandoesthingstome · 1 month

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tag game: last line you wrote

The ever lovely @ellethespaceunicorn tagged me and I just happened to have bit of inspiration and time to work on a little something today:

“August Walker, I meant what I said and I can’t wait to fuck you however I can. And believe me, I know how to make it good.”

This is taking some time to get where I want it, so no idea when I'll be posting but I kinda can’t wait! (And am also super nervous about the details. This is not your everyday August Walker. 🫣)

Not sure who's working on what out there but I'm always interested, so let me know @mayloma (how are things with viking!Geralt?), @cardierreh15 (I know you have something cooking), @just-chirpin (care to share anymore ETS tidbits?) @littlefreya (can you grace us with anymore nautical August?) and anyone else who'd like to share. I'm here for it!

#tag games #wip #last lines #do the thing #have the fun

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ovaryacted · 2 months

Note

hi nic!! any advice on how to start writing on tumblr? i have so many ideas for Leon fics (like, i swear, my head is about to explode) but this place terrifies me sm, i just want to write cheesy stuff about that man and give him a break

Heyyy anon! I know you sent this a couple of days ago but I hope my answers will be able to give you a guide. I also may not be so proficient on this since 1 - I started taking writing seriously in late August of last year and 2 - I'm sort of an inconsistent writer when it comes to fanfics lol. But regardless, I'll give you some tips that helped me along the way. This also may be a tad long so I apologize but I will try to make this cohesive lmao.

1 - For one, write what you want, not because it's popular but because you want to write it. In the beginning, I was always somewhat anxious about how other people would interpret my writing especially when it came to my understanding and experience of kinks, and as a result, I burnt myself out and stopped writing for a while. I also grew detached from the very thing that I enjoyed (Leon), and it made being a part of the community less fun even if it's crazy. Write what you want because you want to, not because it's popular or trendy but because it will make you happy. Don't do shit for clout or popularity either, especially if you're not interested in writing smut, because believe me you will start hating your comfort character and you don't want that to happen. The right people who like your content will find you and stick around, believe me. It's easier said than done to not get discouraged, but it's not impossible. KEEP GOING!

2 - Develop a style or aesthetic. You don't necessarily have to do this part, it's more of a personal preference thing, but I think finding a specific way to organize moodboards, pictures, or fonts will make your work stand out. It took me a while to figure out how I like setting up my posts in the certain way that I do, but it pays off because it feels more like I have ownership over my own work. Plus, it's fun making your posts cute, all the more reason to do it.

3 - Write things in the way you can best describe it. What I mean by this is don't feel discouraged that you don't use big extravagant words and metaphors in your writing. Sometimes, people will use very descriptive language that authors use and it can be hard to consume for people who want to come online and destress, now they have to figure out what words mean. (No hate to authors who do that either, very appreciative of them actually and they're very inspiring). All I'm saying is that you don't need to write like you're writing a thesis from Oxford, write how it comes to your head, and edit it after, no pressure. Writing is supposed to be fun, not stressful, so don't stress yourself out more by using words you don't need. Writing is a skill, which people often forget. So the more you do it, the more it will come naturally to you and you will develop your "writing style" on your own. What you should take away from this, is to just write what's on your mind anyway.

4 - When writing, have a plan. You don't always need an outline, and some people can write full pieces on the fly or just blurbs of small ideas that come to mind, but some brainstorming really helps. Usually, once you actually sit with an idea and plan it out a bit longer, you can find out other things you want to add to the piece you're putting out. It also just makes things more concrete, but then again, everyone has different ways to write. There's nothing wrong with testing out a few ways before doing it in the best way you understand.

5 - Follow creative writing pages for inspiration on prompts or writing tips. There is nothing wrong with seeking out material for inspiration or at least a start, or even following other writers and getting inspired to do your own twist or take on something they wrote (with credits obviously). There are so many pages out there that are meant to give creators a guide on how to strengthen their writing and ideas they can use for themselves. People don't own tropes or ideas, the world is your oyster, don't be scared to choose one thing and get that extra push you need to create what you want.

6 - Last thing I'll say is don't be scared to interact with other people. Tumblr is literally meant for interactions, without that we have nothing. I know this site is scary sometimes, but there are people on here who are in the same position as you right now, wanting to get started but don't know how. Sometimes, you just have to start and worry about all the other "professional" shit afterward. There is no right way to manage a blog, you do what you want to do on your space. Be weird! Be crazy! Be different! As long as you're having fun, that's all that should matter.

7 - And another thing, don't be afraid to use the tags. That's what they're there for, use them. You're not spamming the tags or being annoying, use them to give your posts visibility and keep it pushing.

Also big note: don't worry about other people, block who you need to block, and stay out of the drama. Believe me, it will make your time on here much easier to digest and less scary. The discourse is never worth it, because you don't know these people, and they don't know you. It's the internet, shape your own experience and what you want to do on here.

#ovaryacted asks #writing tips

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not-poignant · 5 months

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very, very late question to an old work and I will perfectly understand if you don't want to reply to this and prefer not to bring the discussion toward your old works.

out of curiosity, how much did the hunger games, divergent, maze runner or other dystopian YA works of the time influence TGATNW?

the curiosity stemmed from the fact that while my initial perspective on your works were that they were a complete divergence from mainstream media due to its rawer, kinkier nature, a thought popped up that your works might have (purposefully?) satisfied the trends of the times they were created. the golden age (and fae tales soon after) was an appropriate dystopian rebellion story in the midst of the YA fever in 2014-2015 containing similar tropes.

On the other hand, falling falling stars and other efnisien centric works which address mental health and recovery more heavily than other works were published in the present day while shows on mental health discourse (for instance sex education and euphoria) are increasingly more popular. there are definitely exceptions, but those mentioned are some of your most prominent works.now that I think about it, my question might actually be: if at all, how do current trends influence your narratives? I think I remember a mention of these works' influences being old tales, so it would be interesting to hear how contemporary works have inspired you as well if it all.

thanks Pia! even if you don't reply, thanks for all the time and effort you've put into these works. they mean a lot and so much more to a many people.

This one is easy to answer:

my question might actually be: if at all, how do current trends influence your narratives?

So the TL;DR upfront -> I don't read, and often don't know about current trends. I have zero interest in writing to market. I hadn't read any of those books you mentioned when I wrote The Golden Age that Never Was with the exception of The Hunger Games, which came out over half a decade beforehand (except for the last installment in the trilogy, which was my least favourite lol).

In more detail:

I was inspired to write The Golden Age that Never Was - I can't believe I'm saying this - based on a dream I had in August, 2015.

I read Divergent for the first time in 2016 (er, so after I'd started TGATNW). I read book 1, gave it 2 stars, and don't remember anything about it. I haven't read Maze Runner and I know nothing about it.

Going back through my Goodreads account in 2013 and 2014, I read what looks like almost no books actually published in those years. I read books on cod (literally, the nonfiction book Cod, it's really very good), I read Manna Francis (defo not YA), I read nonfiction books on trauma, I read a bunch of Tricia Owens (M/M not YA), I read Eleanor & Park (YA but contemporary), I read a bunch of M/M, Hagio Moto's Zankoku na Kami ga Shihaisuru manga took over my life for a few months, and then I read a bunch more BL manga (none of it recently published that year) for consecutive months and checked out of anything written in the western world for almost half a year.

I got back into M/M at the end of / beginning of 2015 and it looks like that was all I was reading through all of 2015 with very few exceptions (one more Rainbow Rowell book, Station Eleven by Mandel, and nonfiction). I read no dystopian YA in the 2 year lead up to writing The Golden Age that Never Was. Not a single title. Out of like 200 titles. I didn't even read historical dystopian YA. I think we can safely say that was in no way a direct influence and I can bet you around $500 I had no idea it was a trend lmao.

I do not know exactly how to convey how little I give a shit about reading or responding to publishing trends. I don't care and have never cared. No, wait, I think I attempted to care for about 2 months after seeing a Facebook post about it and then was like 'wait, this is extremely demotivating' and stopped. There are some - few - absolute favourite authors who if they release a book, I will read it that year. (Like the latest Murderbot by Martha Wells). Otherwise I prefer generally not knowing what the trends are, and I don't read author blogs etc. that keep me updated on this. New genres rise and fall and by the time I hear of them, they've either already vanished, or new names have been invented for them.

I feel the same way about music and a lot of television as well. I started watching True Detective for the first time this year. A lot of the music I've listened to and discovered didn't release that music this year. And while I have watched and listened to things that did release this year, it was less because it was 'trendy' and more because they are musicians I've always listened to (Manchester Orchestra) or TV shows I would have wanted to watch anyway.

Also The Golden Age that Never Was isn't dystopian YA. But I wasn't reading much by the way of any dystopian romantic science fiction anyway (and certainly nothing released in those years), and no space operas or anything like that. If TGATNW synced up with any trends at all, it was a happy coincidence. But given I don't think it's YA, if people who only wanted to read dystopian YA found it, they were going to be really disappointed! Lmao.

Around 2013 I also just stopped reading anything heterosexual because I had a choice in the moment and exercised that choice. And I tell you - it's low key hilarious how much you get locked out of almost all the trends (certainly almost 10 years ago) anyway, if you exclusively read same sex.

I also just have general disdain for the idea of purposefully satisfying any kind of fiction trends in fanfiction. Like, no, that's not for me. I think that's a waste of my time, and it's not why I write fanfiction. I write fanfic for fun, and to me, looking at trends and writing to trends is one of the least fun things I can actually think of doing.

(Re: Your Sex Education / Euphoria example, I had to laugh. I haven't seen the latter, and the former I only watched for the first time late last year, when I'd already finished Falling Falling Stars.)

No trend has ever inspired anything I've ever written. And no book / show has ever directly inspired anything I've ever written too. I definitely have inspirations - everyone does - but like, yeah no, one of the reasons I let other people rec works similar to mine is because I can never think of any, because I write because of a perceived vacuum providing what I want to read. If what I want to read is already present and there's a lot of it, I won't write anything, because I don't need to. I am the opposite of an 'adding my book into the pile of a trend' author, like literally, that's a reason to not write for me.

I write what I don't see in the world, and it's pretty much that simple.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #the golden age that never was #like i get that other people write trends very successfully #i hate doing it and i hate even knowing what the trends are #it never lasts and it leads to a bloat in that arena #and honestly anon most of that stuff is still painfully heterosexual #so it's not what i want to read anyway #reading almost exclusively m/m locks me out of almost all the trends #because this world is still heteronormative and writing trends #are still saturated in bigotry #it's gotten better slightly but not a great deal #there are also trends in M/M that i don't particularly care about either #like mafia romance being the rage for the last year or so #in dark m/m romance #like good for them if i feel like writing a mafia romance one day #it'll have nothing to do with what's trendy #will that lose me readers? probably #i can't remember what divergent was about but my review was very scathing and i didn't read any future books fsdalfkajsd

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chibrary · 9 months

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today in chontent: july 30th

source: motorsport.com & twitter series: 2014, karting

In 2014, Jules wrote a series of columns for Motorsport.com following his quest within F1:

"Starting today, Jules Bianchi will guide the readers of JA on F1 on a unique journey of discovery of Formula 1, as seen through the eyes of one of the best young driving talents on the world motorsport scene. Jules has been a driver with the Marussia F1 Team for a year and a half, fulfilling one of his boyhood dreams, to drive at the pinnacle of the sport. He has another dream to fulfill, one with a red tone to it; to drive for the famous Scuderia Ferrari. Since 2009 Jules has been part of the Ferrari Driver Academy and a few weeks ago he was called in to an official test at Silverstone for the Maranello team."

His first article was posted in July 2014, titled "Voyage to the centre of Formula 1":

Jules Bianchi writes: “Realizing your dreams is one of the most beautiful things that can happen to a person and I am happy to have fulfilled the biggest dream, which is to drive in F1. I have been dreaming of it since I was a kid but only when I started racing single seaters did I realize that my hopes could become a reality. If you had told me this would happen, when I was 13 years old, I would not have believed you.

But I’ve done it and I’m half way through my second season in the top category and I want to try to take all of you behind the scenes and show you my life and my journey, to show you what it means to be part of this special world, which seems so remote and unattainable.

Let's start by saying that to race in Formula 1 is something that gives me a lot of excitement: this is the first word that comes to mind. The second is professionalism: if you want to excel you have to be professional in every little detail and that is true for us drivers as much as for all those who work in the various roles. It 's something that I realized immediately; right from the first time I was able to see up close how Ferrari operates. Even at Marussia, although the scale of the operation is certainly different from the Scuderia, the level of professionalism is really high.

Ours is a very tough sport, where if you do not always give 100%, whatever the circumstances, you risk falling behind straight away. This means that you always need the utmost concentration, both when working on the track and when you are free from specific commitments, because you can never back off. This is why ' if I have to choose a third word to associate with Formula 1 I would say tiredness: not only physical - to drive these cars is not exactly a breeze and to do this job you have to work a lot on athletic training, even during the race weekend - but, more important, mental tiredness.

I never get bored by the routine; it 's true that the Grand Prix weekend is a bit like a theatre show, which you repeat in exactly he same format every time, in nineteen different venues. But I don’t mind this repetition at all.

The two-week summer break comes at just the right time. We’ve been on the go, travelling the world, pretty much since the end of January, when I started driving in the winter tests. But now we can kick back a little and try to recharge the batteries for the second half of the season.

In the last few races I could really see our guys in the pit garages beginning to feel fatigued and I too cannot wait to get a rest. I'm not planning anything special, not even to celebrate my 25th birthday on August 3; a few days at home in Geneva with the family and then a little sunshine with friends at the beach somewhere, but not to some far distant place with more time zone changes - I’ve had plenty of that already and more lies in wait for me from late August to late November.

When I have some free time I like to play sports with my friends. I always try to organize a small competition, either karts or playing squash or football: this is what I will be up to before restarting the engines at Spa, where we’ll race in the Belgian Grand Prix.

Of course I have some time now to think about what has happened in this first part of the season because it is not that you can completely clear Formula 1 out of your head, even on vacation.

I'm happy with how things have gone so far: we have made a big step forward compared to last year and you can begin to see the results. The points finish in Monte Carlo, with ninth place was definitely the best moment and it was important to be able to get into Q2 twice (the second part of qualifying for the top 16 cars) in Silverstone and a few days ago at the Hungaroring: it means that we are approaching the core group even though the distance is still quite wide.

The worst day? That’s an easy one - Sunday in Montreal where I was unable to complete even the first lap, boy what a shame ..

Another beautiful moment was the Silverstone test with Ferrari. Putting on those scarlet overalls with the Prancing Horse on the chest is always an unbelievable feeling, as is climbing into the cockpit. I’ve done it before but the emotion is very powerful, very beautiful.

For me Ferrari is like a second family and to drive full time with that Prancing Horse remains my goal, my ultimate dream.

Will I ever get to realize that dream? I don’t know. But given that I have fulfilled my first goal of driving in F1, why not aspire to fulfilling the even bigger dream?

Until next time..

Jules

#vgp:today in chontent #series:karting #driver:jules #year:2014

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goddesswithin111 · 1 year

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♕ Update & Advice - The void state

Hey, so I don’t post here as much as I said I would lol. But lately, I noticed that there’s been a lot of talk about the I’Am state or void state. I took a break from the void in August. Astral projection is something I’ve always wanted to do and I’ve been practicing with the occasional sleep paralysis (SP) I get every now and then. Inducing SP has also been a thing, but I took a break from all this because my sleep can be messy (it’s hard for me to fall asleep sometimes) and so I need all the sleep I can get.

End of October is when I decided to get back on track with the void state. That’s also when I started noticing signs and angel numbers, especially 111 / 555. I also “manifest” random things – for example, I dream about “wobbly/rotating airplanes” and then I see something similar on TV. Or I randomly talked about an issue in my city and then the government decided to bring up the discussion a couple days later, which is cool. It’s just a lot of synchronicities going on.

But all in all, I wanted to share that I entered the void for 2-3 seconds. This was my third “try”. The first time was through sleep paralysis and I wrote about it here. The second time was 2 weeks ago, I affirmed as I falling asleep and I dreamt about myself doing the same thing (affirming) and then the scene got darker until my dream changed – I took this as a sign.

Third time was last night and I was there! I wanted to wake up in the void and my intention was to go to bed and affirm until I fall asleep. I tend to lay on my back first when I go to sleep and then I switch over to my side. So I followed a Transcendent guided meditation and then I listened to some brown noise. At first, I wanted to clear my mind, but it was hard & I was forcing it at some point, so I just decided to let things flow in & out of my mind. Although, I did purposely try to sing a soft song in my mind while the brown noise was playing. I also made sure that my body was relaxed and not stiff because I was trying to fall asleep at the same time. So, I continued affirming “I’am in the void,” “I’am the void, the void is me”. At first, things that happened throughout the day were playing in my mind, but then they stopped and the back of my eyelids was dark with some flashes & floaters. My fingers and legs were twitching at times, but I ignored them. At some point, I couldn’t really feel my arms and legs, and I felt very relaxed. I kept affirming and then I noticed that it was dark & the brown noise was gone. I was like “woah wait…” – then I got excited and came to, and heard the sound playing again.

It happened so fast. For me, the void was not black, it was more like very dark grey lol and I was just there. It’s nothingness. I was happy when I realized what had happened. I know I was not drifting to sleep because I was not sleepy at all, I was just relaxed. It’s literally a deep meditative state like many have mentioned before. I will try again later this week. Overall, it took me maybe an hour or so to get there.

(this also shows how much time it takes for me to fall asleep sometimes because again my intention was to sleep and wake up in the void. Brown noise helps with my sleep. Sleep is important for me now, that’s why I try not to spend so much time on inducing SP or astral projection)

I just wanted to share this experience just to let others know that the void state is not complicated. I used to think that it was, but this experience changed my views on it. I also believe that taking a break helped me a lot. Also, it doesn’t matter if it takes you 5 minutes or 2 hours to get there, just relax your mind & body and affirm if you want to. Let go and try not to have any expectations. Just let go and try not to focus on your surroundings or symptoms. Don’t put the void on the pedestal. It’s you and it’s not going anywhere. ✶ At the same time, I'd like to say please don't wait on your desires (put them on hold) because of the void. Please don't obsess over the void. There are so many other ways to manifest, just find/do what works for you. ✶

#law of assumption #law of abundance #live your dreams #void state #spiritualjourney #spiritualgrowth #dream life #desired reality #neville goddard

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fandomgirlz01 · 2 years

Text

Lightsabers and Guitars Pt. 2

Charlie Gillespie x Reader

Imagine on my fandom instagram?: No

Prompt?: No

Request?: No

Requested prompt?: No

Edited: Yes

Word count: 5,445

Ko-fi

Masterlist

Warnings Here

You can listen to the story be read out loud here.

Post Date: August 8th 2022

Post Time: 12: 32 pm

Summary: When the reader gets tired of being around her friends she tries to leave and ends up finding herself in a fight with one of those friends. Reader then stomps off and finds a quiet place {she believes nobody else will be there} where she can practice swinging her lightsabers. What happens when she and Charlie stumble upon one another? Will they become friends? Or maybe something more?

PSA: I am still learning Guitar so I’ll write it as best as I can for you guys. I just looked up the chords and wrote those, but I am unaware if they are the official chords so bare with me here. If you guys know that any of them are wrong please please please consider letting me know and I will fix it as soon as I can.

Y/n’s Pov:

“Knock knock. Is y/n in there?” Siana asks as she taps on my forehead, effectively snapping me out of my mind.

“Yeah. Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind,” I answer as I shake my head and yawn, then start to pour myself some juice.

“I’m sure you do. It’s been about a month you’ve been seeing this Charlie now,” she taunts as she smirks, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

“That’s not what it was at all,” I verbalize as I feel my cheeks heat up.

“Oh, you're so blushing right now! So that’s a total yes! You were thinking of him!” she shouts as she pokes my cheek with her pointer finger.

“No, I wasn’t-” I start to reply, but my phone stops me mid conversation as my text tone goes off.

“Is that Charles as your text tone…” she continues to tease and I roll my eyes.

“Yes… he insisted on it so I’d know it was him…” I explain as I lift it and it lights up.

“That’s actually so, so cute,” she coos and I roll my eyes.

“We’re just friends…” I reply as I smile while replying to his text and she shrugs.

“Don’t listen to me… but honey, he most definitely likes you… I bet today is the day he makes a move. Hell, he’ll probably do that whole arm around you to show you the chords thing…” she remarks as she does some weird hand gesture, making me quirk an eyebrow at her.

“Ok… what the hell was that hand motion?” I ask her with a giggle.

“What! Isn’t that how you play a guitar!” she shouts and I giggle, shaking my head.

“No. That is definitely not how you do it. Charlie would cringe so hard at whatever you just did,” I explain as I wave at her and she shrugs.

“Well, whatever. I’m not the roommate who’s into that stuff, that’s you,” she waves her hand in dismissal and I laugh, shaking my head.

“Yeah. Yeah. Imma go shower now…” I gesticulate over my shoulder and she rolls her eyes.

“You're showering to go to the beach? Oh! Wait, it's for Charlie isn’t it?!” she questions, but then quickly changes to a declaration and I roll my eyes.

“It’s so for Charlie, isn’t it! So you do like him! I was right!” she says as she happily claps before starting to push me to my room.

“Go! Go shower and pick the cute red bikini. The one that brings out your eyes…” she declares and I guffaw at her.

“I can’t pick that one!” I exclaim and she gives me a look of confusion.

“Why can’t you?” she asks almost like she’s offended.

“That one’s far too sexy for me!” I exclaim and she guffaws at me.

“Honey, sexy is what you want in this situation,” she explains as she goes into my closet before returning with the red number.

“Are you sure? Cause I really like him…” I finally admit as I play with my fingers and she claps.

“Sweetheart, listen to me! I’m the one who gets most of the guys,” she explains pointingly as she sits down next to me.

“I know… it’s just this is the first real guy I’ve been around after my whole swearing them off thing…” I nervously explain and she nods.

“I know. Your last relationship wasn’t the best. But hey! Maybe you waited three years for Charlie. Maybe he’ll be better then stupid Greg,” she remarks before giving me a grossed out look.

“Oh, he’s definitely better than Greg,” I agree and she smiles.

“See! So isn’t it worth it to see where this thing will go?” she asks me and I sigh before nodding in agreement with her.

“Yeah. I guess it is…” I agree with my own smile.

“Well, go get in the shower then!” she declares as she again pushes me towards the bathroom.

“And wear the red piece!” she yells from the hallway and I giggle, shaking my head.

~ Time Skip ~

I pull up at the beach and turn my car off. After taking a moment to look over myself one last time, I start to get out of the car. Once I’m out, I pop my trunk before going around to get the practice sabers out along with my backpack and old guitar.

I close my trunk and look around once before locking my car. I then walk to our spot where we meet up every week. I set my bag down by the wall before looking around for Charlie.

After looking around, I don’t see him so I just sit against the wall and take my phone out. I text with Anna for a bit before a dog comes running up to me and starts to lick my face. I start laughing as I pet Koa and Charlie comes up behind him and pulls him away from me.

“I am so sorry. He must be really excited to see you today,” Charlie explains as Koa runs off to the water.

“It’s ok. Really. I’m glad to see him too,” I reply with a light giggle.

“So, which are we practicing first today?“ Charlie asks as he now sets his stuff down by mine.

“I was thinking we could practice the guitar, then sabers. That way we can go for a swim after getting all sweaty from the sabers,” I explain and he nods before opening up his guitar case.

“Ok. So did you practice the chords that I taught you last week?” he asks as I bite my lip and nod lightly.

“I did practice, but I’m still having a little trouble with them,” I inform him and he nods his understanding.

“Ok, then we’ll start there,” he decides out loud and I nod before pulling my guitar onto my lap.

“Ok. So put your fingers on your chords and I’ll help you fix what’s off,” he explains and I nod before starting to try and place my fingers right.

“You almost have it. Just this finger goes here and this one goes here. It’ll feel a little foreign at first, but I promise the more you practice this song it’ll just start to feel natural,” he explains as he moves my two fingers into place.

“Now try playing the chords,” he orders and I nod before sticking my tongue out and trying to play the chords right.

I play the first two right, but then both me and Charlie cringe as one sounds completely off. I take a break with a huff as Koa runs up to his daddy and licks his hand. Charlie chuckles before petting his baby’s head and after a few minutes, Koa seems satisfied when he runs off again.

“Ok. Play it again, let me hear it and see what’s up,” Charlie tells me as he watches and observes as I place my hands back onto the chords.

Again I play the first two right, but as I play the next one it sounds off again. I giggle when I see Koa cringe.

“I take it even Koa doesn’t like how that chord sounded,” I state and Charlie chuckles before looking over my guitar.

“I think your guitar may be out of tune again. Good time to practice tuning it then,” he notes and I nod as I pull out the little tuner I bought at the beginning of last month.

I put it on the end of my guitar before starting to try and tune it like he taught me to. Once I think I have it, look up at him.

“You think you have it?” he asks and I nod.

“Ok. Let me see,” he comments before I hand him the guitar.

He plays a few chords before fixing one or two of the pegs. Once he’s done, he looks up with a smile as he hands me back my guitar.

“You did good. I just made a few small tweaks,” he explains and I nod with a smile.

“Ok. Let’s try the chords again. You got this,” he tells me with another smile.

“Ok Luke…” I joke with a roll of my eyes and he smiles.

“So you watch Julie and The Phantoms then?” he asks with a grin and I nod.

“Oh, I most definitely did. I also watched Speed Kills and Love You Anyway,” I tell him and he blushes lightly.

“Well, what’d you think?” he asks and I give him a serious look.

“I thought they were bad…” I deadpan as seriously as I can.

“Oh…” he falters and I giggle as I shove his shoulder.

“I’m joking. I loved them. Especially Speed Kills. I got to see teenage Charles. What’s better than teen Charles?” I jokingly ask and he gasps with his eyes widening in surprise.

“That was so mean! Umm, maybe 23 year old Charles!” he exclaims, rolling his eyes as he crosses his arm like a child would and I giggle again.

“Mean is my middle name. Didn’t anyone tell you? And… I guess 23 year old Charles isn’t so bad…” I tease, bouncing my eyebrows at him and he shakes his head.

“What will I do with you, huh?” he asks and I grin before winking at him.

“I don’t know, love me maybe…” I trail off with a giggle and he shrugs.

“What’d you really think of them though?” he asks seriously now and I smile.

“They were great Char, but I definitely like Speed Kills more than Love You Anyways,” I explain and he nods as I smile when I see a light blush come over his face.

“Why’d you like Speed Kills better?”

“Ok. Each has its own qualities, but I like more action. Love You Anyways was a little slower. And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love romantic movies, but action is just so much more thrilling,” I explain. “Especially when you're single and a hopeless romantic that nobody really has eyes for.”

“Hey. That’s not true… I’m positive there’s some guy out there for you,” Charlie declares and I smile as he blushes lightly.

Why is he blushing?! Omg…!

“Well, thank you. If you're confident about it, guess I can be too,” I agree with a shrug and he grins.

“Also John Travolta is in it, duh. If John Travolta is in it, it’s an amazing movie hands down,” I continue and he chuckles.

“John Travolta is THE sexy Danny Zuko. Who wouldn’t like a movie with the man in it,” I express and he chuckles, shaking his head again.

“Well I won’t say you're wrong. That man is a legend,” he agrees with me and I grin.

“Right?!” I beam as I look over at him and he smiles.

“What was he like to work with?” I ask and Charlie chuckles.

“He was great. He literally took me under his wing while on set,” he tells me and I smile.

“That’s so cool. Danny Zuko showed you the ropes,” I beam with a smile and he chuckles.

“What’s your favorite of my works then?” he asks and I smile.

“Actually, it’s Julie and The Phantoms. A good second is Runt, even if you're only in it for like, point fifteen seconds,” I joke and he chuckles with a smile.

“Yeah, I had fun on both. In Julie and The Phantoms I made so many friends that became like family. I’m sure you’ll get to meet them soon,” he explains and I grin as his passion shines through him.

“On Runt, we all just acted crazy when the tougher scenes were done. Cam was always the head of the crazy-ness, but he was also the calmest on set,” he explains as his face changes to one of pure sadness.

“I’m sorry he passed. I did hear about it. It must have been gut wenching,” I sympathize as I set the guitar to my side before scooting a little closer and laying a hand on his.

“It was. His heart was always so open. I remember being like ‘bro, I watched this kid on TV…’ He was so nice to everyone he was around. It was crazy… I really wish you could meet him. He’d like you,” he tells me while getting choked up and I smile as I rub his back now.

“I’m sure I would have loved to meet him,” I quietly agree with him and he smiles a watery smile.

It’s quiet for a while as we both just watch Koa play in the water. He sniffles for a few minutes and I lay my head on his shoulder as I continue to rub his back. Koa comes running back over to us and he plops down in front of Charlie.

I let out a light giggle when Koa’s head tilts to the side as he looks over his dad. He walks over and nudges Charlie’s hand. Charlie lets out a light chortle before petting his dog on the head.

Koa nuzzles his head into it with a little face of contentment. Koa then rolls over and closes his eyes as Charlie pets his stomach now. I find myself suddenly perking up, pushing my head off his shoulder as I think of a way to make him smile.

“I will say the fans of Julie and The Phantoms got a real treat in Episode 2. 4 minutes and 44 seconds in, but who’s counting…” I try to flirt with him, but fail miserably when he turns his head and looks at me.

I still count it as a win though when he slowly grins and I try to push my blush down as I clear my throat. I turn away for a small moment to hide my blush as I pick the guitar back up and lay it across my lap.

It’s like when I actually try while looking at him, I fail it every time… ugggh dumb idiot… at least it made him smile.

Koa lets out a whimper as Charlie stops rubbing his stomach. Unsatisfied with him, Koa lets out a loud huff as he shakes his head. He gets up, making me and Charlie laugh as he runs back over to the water.

“So you have the time I take my shirt off memorized then?” he playfully jokes as he bounces his eyebrows at me and I feel the blush rush quicker up my neck again.

“Correction, Siana does. She has a thing for abs… a thing that’s way over the top if you ask me,” I admit with a shrug of my shoulders, but he just gives me a coy grin.

“So you don’t like my abs?” he coyly asks and I groan, rubbing my face.

“No, you have very nice abs… I’m just saying she’s the one that paused it… I’m going to shut up now…” I try to explain, but my tongue only starts to do what it always does as I spiral and stick my foot in my mouth.

“Well I’m going to take the compliment. Thank you very much,” he jokes with a chuckle and I groan again.

“You enjoy making fun of me, don’t you?” I whine out, only making him chuckle again.

“Sorry sweetheart, but it’s so very fun,” he responds and my stomach flips at the nickname.

“So unfair!!!” I cry out and he laughs like full belly laughs at me.

“Oh, hi baby!” I exclaim, putting the guitar down as Koa comes up to me now and I pick him up.

I cradle him like a small baby and he nuzzles into my stomach as I lightly rub his stomach like his dad did just moments ago. I hear a chuckle, making me look up to see Charlie watching the scene practically with heart eyes.

“What?” I ask him and he scoffs playfully.

“You treat him like a real baby,” he points out and I grin.

“He is a baby!!! A sweetheart of a baby,” I point out right back and he chuckles, shaking his head.

“He loves you more than me at this point and he’s my dog,” he exclaims and I giggle as I continue to rub Koa's belly.

“Daddy’s just jealous, isn’t he?” I ask Koa who now has his tongue stuck out.

Koa lets out a bark and Charlie scoffs, rolling his eyes. I look back up at Charlie as I set Koa down on all fours and he runs off again.

“I am not jealous…” Charlie denies as he crosses his arms and I giggle.

“You so are. Let’s get back to the guitar now? Yeah?” I ask as I once again pick it up and he nods.

“Ok. I’m going to try those chords again,” I tell him as I place my fingers back to where they are supposed to be.

I start to try the chords and again I play the first two right, but the next one comes out sounding off again. I huff again before quickly putting the guitar down to the side. I bring my knees up and wrap my arms around them before leaning my forehead against them.

“This is no use. Maybe we should change the song. I don’t think I’ll be getting it anytime soon…” I muse as I put my chin onto my knee while I watch Koa.

“We don’t have to change the song. You’ll get it. It’s ok to mess up a whole bunch of times,” he explains as he puts his hand on my back and starts to rub it.

“How?! Huh, Char?! We’ve been working on it for a month and I’ve been stuck on this same chord practically the whole time,” I bark out in anger at myself and Charlie just nods.

I look at his face and he seems upset. I sigh as my anger disparates and I slowly start to feel guilty.

“I’m sorry Char. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s me who can’t get it,” I quietly mummer and he quickly shakes his head.

“No, no. It's ok. I’m not mad, I promise. It’s not your fault. It’s ok to be a little upset. Learning something new can be hard sometimes,” he is quick to reassure me and it works.

“I don’t know why I can’t get it…” I whisper out as I turn back to watch Koa.

It goes quiet for a moment, but Charlie still rubs my back. Tears come to my eyes, burning them but I refuse to let them fall.

“Here. Let’s try something else,” Charlie cuts into the quiet as he reaches behind me to get the guitar.

“What?” I ask, but he doesn’t reply.

He just pushes lightly on my back and I give him a confused look. He motions for me to move forward away from the wall and I confusedly do. He slowly sits down behind me before pulling me back into his chest and my eyes widen.

He brings his one arm up and over as he pulls the guitar over my head. He rests the guitar in my lap and I relax into him.

“This ok?” he asks me and all I can bring myself to do is nod.

“Ok. Put your hands on the guitar…” he tells me before trailing off.

I do as he tells me and shakily bring my hands up before putting them onto the guitar. He then moves his hands and puts them over mine. He positions both of our hands over the chords before he starts to help me pluck them.

I smile as I finally reach the third chord and pass them each better than I’ve been doing. We continue on like that until we finish the song.

“Oh my gosh. Charlie, I did it!” I beam as I turn back to look at him and he grins.

“See, you got it. I’ll keep helping you and lessen up a little every time. Don’t worry, you’ll get it. Here, I’ll also name the chords as we go so you’ll remember them for other songs,” he explains and I nod as I turn back around.

He lessens his hold just a bit before we start to play again. He squeezes my finger lightly to signal the first chord to me and I pluck it before letting it ring out light.

“This one is A Dm then you switch to a Bb which is a B flat like I taught you at the beginning of last month,” he explains the first two chords that I have no problem with.

“The next one is an F chord and that one becomes a C chord,” he explains again as I play the chords with a grin.

“Then switch back to your Dm and B flat,” he tells me as he guides me back to the first two chords.

“Then back to F and C,” he states as he still guides my hands.

It’s only then that I recognize the song that he’s teaching me. I stop him from playing and he stops before I’m pushing his arms up. I crawl out from underneath his arms and sit up onto my knees as I excitedly grin at him.

“I know the song now!” I exclaim and he smiles.

“Ok. What is it?” he asks me and I jump excitedly.

“It’s Perfect Harmony, the song Luke will never know about…” I start off happily before my face falls.

“Poor Luke will never know, Char,” I burst out as tears come to my eyes and he chuckles.

“You really ship Juke that hard?” he asks and I quickly nod.

“Ok… ok. Don’t nod so hard. Your head might fall off,” he jokes and I groan.

“Boys don’t get it…” I huff as I turn back around and plop back on the ground with my arms crossed.

“Oh! Come on, I was joking. Yes it’s sad, Luke will never know about Perfect Harmony,” he agrees with a playful roll of his eyes.

“Really though, that scene had me crying so hard…” I admit and he grins again.

“I’m glad you liked it,” he adds and I smile before scooting back to be right next to him.

“Can you teach me that dance too?” I ask and he chuckles.

“I mean, I guess. I don’t know if I remember all of Julie’s parts though. I know I remember Luke’s after doing it like twenty times with Mads, but I’m not too sure about Julie’s,” he explains as he shrugs.

“Couldn’t you just ask Madison herself?” I ask and he chuckles.

“I guess I could. I didn't even think about that,” he admits and I giggle.

“I’ll talk to her about it later,” he promises before smiling.

“Wanna continue working on the chords now, though?” he asks and I nod eagerly, making him chuckle as I move back over between his legs.

He grabs the guitar again before setting it into my lap. I put my hands on the neck and body first then he puts his back over mine.

“Ok. Do you wanna start off where we left off?” he asks and I nod.

“Ok well, we left off on the third Dm and B flat. This is the one you’ve been having so much trouble with. I think you just get all switched up in your head,” he explains as he moves both his and my fingers back to the chords.

“Then comes the C and F except before it was C, F so they just switch places,” he continues to explain as his hands still lightly guide mine.

“Now from there you just do that all a second time,” he tells me before just plucking the chord in the same order.

“And there you have the first verse,” he informs me as his hands come away from mine for a moment.

“Really, that’s all it is?” I ask and he nods.

“Do you wanna try it on your own now?” he asks with a light grin.

“Yeah. I know you're here if I need you,” I agree and his grin widens.

“Ok. Let’s see it then,” he agrees before pointing at the guitar that’s still in my lap.

I wonder for a moment if I should move or if he will, but when he stays I decide to just stay too. I then position my hands into the first chord before plucking the chords by myself this time.

Same as the last two times, I get the first Dm and B flat and the F and C out perfectly, but when it comes up to the third Dm and B flat, I have to concentrate a little harder. I finally get it and I smile as I stop and excitedly look at Charlie.

“I got it!” I exclaim as I grin and Charlie nods with a proud smile of his own.

“See, I told you ya would. Now there’s nothing to it, you have the whole first verse down,” he points out with the smile still on his face.

“Ok! Let’s keep going!” I excitedly sit back down and he chuckles.

“Ok. The chords are mostly all the same, just played a little differently, ok?” he asks me and I eagerly nod, making him chuckle again.

“Do you want my hands or just you?” he asks and I smile brightly at him.

“Yours for the first time, please. Then I’ll try it on my own,” I ask and he nods as he brings his back up to be over mine.

“Ok, the first part of the chorus is the F. Then you’ll give a B flat,” he explains as he again shows me the chords and I focus on trying to memorize them, but his chuckle pulls me out of my focused state.

“What?” I ask and I feel him shrug from behind me.

“You're just super cute when you focus,” he admits and for the millionth time today, I feel the heat run up my neck as I blush.

“What’s so cute about me when I’m focused? If anything, I think I look dumb,” I note and he chuckles again.

“Nope, it's definitely cute. You stick your tongue out and kinda space out,” he explains, making me throw my head back against his shoulder and groan.

“How is that cute?!” I proclaim and again he chuckles as he shrugs.

“I don’t know, but it is. And it’s 100% you,” he responds and I lift my head to shake it.

“Sometimes I don’t get you, Charles,” I joke and he just smiles charmingly.

“That’s my charm,” he jokes back and I playfully scoff.

“Charm, my ass,” I mutter and he gasps.

“You don’t think I’m charming?” he asks and I giggle as he playfully pouts.

“Oh, stop the pouting. Your lip will fall off…” I state with a laugh when his mouth falls open.

“Ha! Got you at your own game!” I shout as I poke his thigh.

“That’s not nice,” he grumbles and I giggle.

“Oh calm down, of course you're charming,” I affirm with a fake roll of my eyes as I pretend he’s being dramatic.

“Thank you for admitting the truth,” he playfully jokes and I again roll my eyes.

“Drama queen,” I mutter and he gasps again.

“Take that back,” he shouts as he pinches my side, making me squirm.

“Nope! Not happening,” I joke back and he grins.

“Oh, you wanna play that way, huh?” he asks and my eyes widen.

“Koa! Dogpile!” Charlie shouts as he effortlessly moves so now I’m laying on my stomach with him on top of me.

“Koa. Baby, don’t…” I warn the sweet baby of a dog, but he doesn’t listen to me and hops up onto his dad's back.

“Koa! You betrayed me!!” I shout out with a giggle and Koa just tilts his head to the side.

After a moment of looking at me, Koa jumps off Charlie and comes around to me. He licks at my face and I giggle as Charlie pushes him away after almost ten licks or more.

“Ok. Koa, I know you're sorry,” I coo at the dog as he sits before me.

“I’d pet you, but I’ve got a lump on top of me right now,” I tell the dog and Charlie gasps again.

“You did NOT just call me a lump,” he retorts and I giggle.

“Oh, I 100% did. What ya gonna do about it, huh?” I admit as I finally get myself turned around.

“This…” he remarks and before I know it his lips are on mine.

I let out a small gasp as it was a surprise to be kissed by him. I really wasn’t expecting it, but that being said I wasted no time in returning it. His hands rest on my hips as my own arms wrap themselves around his neck.

My hand treads into the hair at his nape and I massage his neck with my other thumb. He deepens the kiss and it isn't how I expected the kiss to be; no fireworks or sparks or anything that ignited something within me, but there is something else... something indescribable, a sort of happiness that flows through me like a warm buzz. Yes, definitely better than the fireworks.

It lasted for a while, us kissing, wrapped up in our own world before it was rudely interrupted by a bark that made us pull apart from one another. We both laugh as Koa squeezes in between us to lick both of our faces. Koa then runs back over to the water and Charlie smiles lightly as he sits up and pulls me with him.

“So. I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out with me?” He asks as he pushes some of my hair back and plays with it.

“Depends. Where, you taking me?” I ask jokingly and he grins.

“So that’s a yes?” He asks and I playfully roll my eyes.

“No. I’m just asking where you're taking me for the fun of it. Of course it’s a yes Char,” I joke and he chuckles, shaking his head.

His thumb rubs my cheek as he continues to grin at me. I smile as I lean into his hand as I reach up with mine and grab onto it. I close my eyes for a moment before opening them back up to see him looking at me with a gleam in his eyes.

“Can I kiss you again?” He asks me and I giggle.

“Ever so polite Charlie…” I joke as I look into his eyes.

“You don’t even need to ask bubs. Just kiss me,” I whisper out and he nods.

His other hand comes up to my cheek as his lips land on mine and I smile as he tenderly holds me. Our lips mold together as I hold onto his wrists. All to soon though he slowly pulls back before putting his forehead to mine.

“Wanna skip the lightsaber work today and just go for a swim then maybe cuddle while we watch the sunset?” He asks as I turn and sit back against the wall.

“Sure. We can dedicate next week to sabers. Can we finish the song before swimming though?” I ask and he grins as he puts his arm around my shoulder.

“I’d say that sounds reasonable. As long as I can steal a few of these from you,” he replies before leaving a peck on my lips making me smile and cuddle into his side.

“Works for me. Steal as many as you’d like,” I agree and he smiles as he rubs the top of my shoulder.

We sit cuddled up for a little while longer before finishing off practicing the song. Then we go for a swim and Koa plays around where we are. Once our swim is up we both get out and grab our towels before drying off a bit.

Charlie walks over by our stuff and lays his towel out before turning around to look at me. He motions down to the towel as he gives a light bow making me giggle.

“After you Angel,” he offers and I once again grin.

“Don’t mind if I do,” I remark with a giggle as I walk past him before taking a seat on the towel.

He sits down next to me and again puts his arm around my shoulder. I lay my head on his as he pulls me slightly closer and together we watch the sun go down behind the horizon letting our night end on a very positive note.

To Be Continued…

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monstersandmaw · 2 years

Text

Like Moon and Tide - Part Five (Final part, nsfw)

Disclaimer which I’m including in all my works after plagiarism and theft has taken place: I do not give my consent for my works to be used, copied, published, or posted anywhere. They are copyrighted and belong to me.

Thank you so much - this was one of August’s sponsored stories, and I had to get it in before the end of September! Dremora lad is the last one from that batch, and it’s half written already. I need to type it up though, because I wrote it when my laptop blew up and I didn’t have access to it.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s goth and witch lad’s final part.

Content: warnings for some discussion of traumatic childhood events, including kidnapping by an older male relative, being temporarily drugged and incapacitated. Other content is super fluffy though, and very intimate and sweet, with a super tender shower scene too :) Wordcount: 2740

Part One, Part Two, Part Three (v. light nsfw), Part Four (nsfw)

___

Niles pushed himself up on shaky arms and stared down the length of his skinny, tattooed, messy body at Luca and smiled sadly. “I… I didn’t tell you because…” he sighed and added with a wry smile, “No, I can’t have this conversation now, like this… Let me get cleaned up and I’ll tell you properly.”

Luca was staring at him like he couldn’t quite believe he was real.

“Luca?”

“Yeah,” he croaked, blinking rapidly. “Sorry. I…”

“Are you alight? That was a hell of a lot of magic you just channelled.”

Luca’s eyes flashed gold. “Through you,” he said. “Without warning and without your consent. I… I’m sorry, Niles. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Niles said, sitting up properly and accepting the tissue that Luca distractedly handed to him as he swung his legs off the bed. “Hey, look at me.”

Luca sighed, closed his eyes and hung his head. A second later, he turned to face Niles and opened his eyes again.

“I knew what you are,” Niles said softly. “I knew what happened was a possibility at some point, even if I didn’t actively open myself up to your magic. We should have had this conversation earlier, but I didn’t think sex of all things would trigger my abilities as a conduit.” He reached for Luca’s hand and squeezed his warm, tanned fingers tightly. “It was an accident, that’s all. And… it felt amazing,” he added to try and get that crestfallen expression off Luca’s face. “Come take a shower with me and we can talk about it afterwards.”

Luca eyed the black eyeshadow and heavy mascara that still adorned Niles’ eyes and smiled faintly. “You’ll want some makeup-remover if you’re showering,” he said. “I’ve already smudged it.”

“Or you could use your magic to clean it off,” Niles said with a quirked eyebrow. “I’m sure there’s a spell for that…” It was a white flag, and an open invitation to channel around him already, and Luca took it for what it was.

Hesitantly, Luca reached over and cupped Niles’ face in his right hand. “Close your eyes for me?” he murmured.

Niles obliged, and he sensed the moment Luca’s magic kindled back to life again. The warm tug of it drew him in like the proverbial moth, and he let himself tumble towards it.

Luca paused then exhaled shakily. “Oh dei,” he swore softly, “Sei bellissimo…”

He passed his thumb lightly over Niles’ eyebrow and then across his eyelid in a barely-there sweep, and, after repeating the same on the other side, he leaned in close and kissed him while Niles still had his eyes closed. His warm, soft lips brushed tenderly against Niles’ and he moaned quietly.

“All done, amore,” he purred, and Niles smiled.

Soaking up the closeness and the new intimacy of simply being in each other’s presence, they hardly felt the need for words as the shared a shower. Words would come later.

Amid the swirling steam, Luca pressed his bronze body against Niles’ marble white, and Niles tipped his head back into the water for Luca to wash his hair out. Luca’s strong fingers circled slowly, decadently, across his scalp, the foam making tiny crackling noises in his ears as the bubbles burst. He closed his eyes and let out a long, broken moan, and rolled his sharp hips against Luca’s. They were both half-hard again. Luca pressed one hand to the apple of Niles’ pale throat and then slid his touch over the ink on his collarbones and down to catch him around his narrow hips and tug him close, all the while massaging the last of the lather from Niles’ hair with the other.

Niles had never felt so cherished in all his life.

The idea of smelling like Luca’s products had been heady enough to get worked up again, but the intimacy and reverence of the care in his touch got him the rest of the way there, and Luca saw to that too. He closed his slick hand around his cock and eased him through the gentlest orgasm he’d ever had, without ever letting go of his waist with his other hand. When Niles shuddered and spilled with a weak cry, he rested his forehead against Luca’s sturdy shoulder and let his beloved witch support him though the last of it.

When they were done and the water was in danger of running cold on them, they stepped out and dried off.

“Any chance I can borrow some pyjamas or something?” Niles asked, perched on the edge of Luca’s white bed in only a towel, with a smaller one still wrapped around up his hair. “Don’t feel like getting dressed in all that again…” he said as he eyed his crumpled pinafore dress and blouse. “You do own clothing that isn’t Edwardian waistcoats and posh trousers, right?”

Luca laughed. “Don’t tell anyone, but I have some tracksuit bottoms somewhere… I even wear them on occasion. Here, I’ll get something for you. You want some boxers too?”

“Please,” he said, and the blotchy, lingering blush across his collarbones and neck from coming in the hot shower darkened a little. He loved the idea that they were far enough into their relationship that they could borrow each other’s underwear.

Downstairs on the sofa in the front room a little while later, with Tobias curled up on Luca’s lap in the fading afternoon light, and two steaming cups of Earl Grey tea on the delicate little antique table, Niles took a deep breath, and began his story.

“My grandfather was a witch,” he said into the stretching silence. “He and my grandmother lived in Armagh — where I grew up — and my grandmother was a conduit.”

“Like you.”

“Not quite. Turns out I’m actually more of a… a lens. For the most part, I can choose when to take that magic and whether to focus it. A conduit can only channel passively.”

Luca sucked in a breath and then hissed, “Holy shit. Do you know how rare conduits like you are?”

“I do now,” replied Niles darkly. He stared into his teacup for a moment and then looked up at Luca to find him paying close, intense attention once more. With another little exhale, he continued. “I used to stay with my grandparents a lot during the school holidays while my parents were working, and one day my Granda decided that… that he wanted…”

Feeling the nausea rising already, Niles tried to compose himself with another shaky inhale. Tobias looked up suddenly from Luca’s lap and gave a soft ‘mrrp’. Then, to Luca’s obvious surprise, the black, three-legged cat levered himself upright and stepped carefully off Luca’s knees, paced along the sofa to Niles like he was walking along a garden fence, and headbutted him gently in the centre of his chest. Then he curled up in Niles’ lap and appeared to go back to sleep. When Niles’ pale hands gently came down to stroke along the cat’s head and back, a soft, contented purring filled the silence of the room.

Luca’s eyes were sparkling softly, fondly, when Niles looked at him, and he smiled faintly. “He’s never been like this with anyone else,” Luca rasped and then cleared his throat. “Please, go on if… if you still want to.”

Niles nodded. “So…”

It was in fact marginally easier with the warm weight of the cat in his lap to occupy the part of his brain that wanted to keep stalling and fidgeting, and as he stroked the soft, black fur, and the cat’s rhythmic purring permeated through the contact, his anxiety ebbed away enough to get the rest of it out.

“Granda decided that he wanted more power. He wasn’t particularly powerful within his local coven, but he wanted status, or some bullshit. He was always a bastard to my grandmother, who by then had already had one small stroke…”

Luca’s golden eyes turned hard with anger and disgust. “Oh dei, Niles,” he breathed, already knowing the answer to his question, “Because your grandfather used her to channel more magic?”

Again, Niles nodded. “Most likely.”

Luca’s upper lip actually curled into a small snarl. Using a conduit like that until they cracked was… an unspeakable act.

“So… he waits for me to come over as well, because he thinks he knows by then what I am, even if I don’t understand it fully. Grandma had tried to talk to me a bit about it, on the rare chance we had to be alone, but I was twelve and I didn’t really want anything to do with all his witchy stuff, you know? I thought he was a freak, and he scared the shit out of me.”

Tobias shuffled a little, turning his sweet little paws inwards and flicking his tail.

“So Granda meets me at the door when my da drops me off before work, and I say goodbye to him. He says ‘I’ll see you at the weekend, son’, and drives off.”

Luca’s tanned skin was starting to look ashen, but he kept quiet.

“Granda smiles and waves him off too, then bundles me into the house, gives me a glass of squash, and makes me drink it. Turns out it had something in it that made me sleepy, and I wake up in the basement sometime later, tied to a chair. The sick fuck planned to use Grandma and me to channel a shit-ton of magic into some kind of amulet that he could then wear to give himself some kind of perpetual power-up.” There. He’d said it. He exhaled and felt shaky but relieved all the same.

Luca reached reflexively for Niles’ knee and squeezed him. “I’m so sorry,” he said, openly appalled and sickened.

Niles managed a weak smile and a shrug. “Turns out I’d left my bag with all my stuff in the car. Da found it when he got to work and decided to drive back instead of waiting til the end of the day.”

The silence fairly rang with the fact that if his father had waited, Niles would probably have died, and Luca read it in his face and blanched.

“When no one answered the door, da got worried. He round went through the side gate and got in through the back door, and came down to find Granda halfway through his fucking ritual, burning us both up while the whole room spun around like some kind of tornado. Da knocked Granda to the floor, which knocked him out, and…” he shrugged again, feeling a prickle of panic around the edges of his mind.

The rough rasp of Tobias' tongue across the back of his hand startled him back to the moment and he stroked the cat affectionately between the ears in thanks.

“Long story short, Grandma died in hospital a few weeks later, and my parents cut all ties with him. Not long after that, we moved to England anyway.”

Luca’s voice was small and wavering. “Do either of your parents have magic?”

Niles shook his head. “No. Ma knew a lot about it, and told my da about it all, but neither of them has magic.”

Luca inhaled deeply, held it, and then released it slowly through his nose. “Niles, can I hold you?” he said at long last.

“You’ll have to ask your cat,” Niles grinned, and Tobias raised his head to shoot Luca a flat, dirty look.

“Please, darling?” Luca begged his familiar. “Please let me hold him?”

With a disdainful, long-suffering meow, which made Niles think Luca might pay for this later, the cat rose, headbutted Niles’ chin this time with a final purr, and then leapt gracefully to the floor, stalking from the room without a backward glance.

Despite his long, lanky limbs, Niles climbed easily into Luca’s lap and let himself be held, and eventually Luca broke the silence by kissing him on the forehead and drawing back to regard him with his amber eyes glassy and wide. “Thank you for trusting me,” he said. “I can’t even begin to imagine how you must have felt about me after what you endured back then. I had no idea…” He pursed his lips to keep from crying and added, “Grazie, amore.”

Niles, with his knees resting on the sofa cushions to either side of Luca’s thighs, and his arms wrapped around Luca’s neck, ground his hips against him and kissed him silly. After a while, he felt Luca growing hard and it wasn’t long before Luca leaned back, tilted his head into the cushions and moaned. “Dei, I feel like a teenager again,” he chuckled ruefully.

“Can I blow you?” Niles whispered, and Luca closed his eyes and bit his lip.

“I’m so worked up,” he warned. “I shouldn’t be, but… the way you feel in my arms, amore…”

“Let’s see how long I can tease you then,” he said as he slithered off and knelt between Luca’s legs. He ran his hands up Luca’s thighs and slipped his fingers beneath the elastic of his waistband. Luca lifted his hips, and Niles drew down both sweatpants and underwear in one. He leaned over him and licked up the underside of his hard cock before giving a few, teasing kitten licks just under the head. When Luca whimpered, Niles wet his lips and took Luca all the way to the back of his throat.

Yet again, Luca’s magic flared bright and golden as he surrendered to his arousal, and Niles concentrated enough to take his magic and hold it carefully, as if in cupped hands. “Oh fuck,” Luca cursed immediately, chest heaving. “Oh fuck, when you do that… I can’t… I can’t… Niles… amore please… oh gods that feels so good…”

“My mouth or your magic?”

“Both!” he choked, unable to stop himself bucking his hips upwards into Niles’ mouth again, pushing needily past his wet lips and back into the delicious heat of his mouth.

Niles pulled off him three times in total — whenever he felt Luca’s balls tighten and heard him begin to pant and gasp — and on the last time, Luca practically sobbed.

“Let me have it, Luca,” Niles said, and Luca knew he wasn’t talking about physically letting go or fucking into his mouth.

In a gesture of absolute trust, Luca opened himself completely to the full extent of his magic and let all of it pour into Niles, and Niles, ready this time, held it like a chalice while it suffused his whole body. Warm, golden, vibrant: Niles held the very essence of what made Luca who he was, and as he cradled it and caressed it, he heard Luca gasp. His hips lifted, his torso contracted, and Luca hunched forwards with a yell as he spilled down Niles’ throat. As he did, Niles returned all his magic to him in a rush, and he almost screamed in ecstasy, practically doubling over, hands flying down to grip Niles’ hair so hard it ached.

Niles wondered for a moment if Luca was going to pass out as his orgasm ripped through him with renewed force.

Finally, Luca stopped coming and collapsed back into the sofa, breathing hard, cock still twitching and drooling the last of his release.

Waiting a moment or two after swallowing him down, Niles suckled gently on Luca’s sensitive cock and let it soften a fraction against his tongue. The weight of it and the feel of him in his mouth made him giddy, but the trust Luca had shown him almost made him cry.

For a long few minutes, Luca lay spent and pliant against the cushions, and barely had the strength to let Niles tuck him back into his clothes before he climbed into Luca’s lap again.

“I love you,” Niles whispered as he leaned his body against Luca’s softly rising and falling chest.

He wasn’t sure Luca had heard him — that he wasn’t asleep — until Luca brought his arms up around Niles’ waist and hugged him so tightly he wheezed. “I’m yours, amore,” he whispered against Niles neck, making goosebumps shiver all along one side of his body. “I’m yours.”

“My very own witch,” Niles grinned, kissing the shorter hair at the side of Luca’s head, just above his ear. “Who’d have thought it.”

“Yours,” Luca simply replied without any sign of letting go of him or loosening his hold.

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The End! I hope you enjoyed their story. If you did, please consider reblogging it as well. Thanks for coming along on this very drawn-out journey! And thank you for sponsoring it if you did!

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