#childhood sa

[twoheadedfather]

hard times, ethel cain

#this song makes me so guggguhh/pos #i will be posting multiple lyrics from this song because i mean she really hit my trauma nail on the head #ethel cain #hard times #song lyrics #lyrics #mental illness #mentally ill #toxic parents #childhood abuse #child abuse #childhood neglect #child neglect #childhood trauma #trauma #csa survivor #childhood sa

[jungkookieluvr]

can’t escape the abuse even in my dreams i’m so fucking tired

#csa survivor #childhood sa #sa trauma #childhood abuse #csa tw

[r029]

Actually Me <3

#bpd sa #childhood sa #teen sa #bpd hypersexual #hypersexual

[high-theyre-frendough]

tmw you write out the equivalent of an essay in how a fuck ton of your trauma is explained and understood now that you are an adult and can connect it all and it is disgusting and horrific and you are telling the truth but it is impossible to think you are telling the truth even though its so utterly horrific that no one would ever even subconsciously want to happen but it explains so fucking much but again you had an edible so you will not be believed even though it connects things you already suspected were connected in that way while sober. and you are terrified of if this will ever be justified in the future and you don’t know what to do and are scared and are really really scared and seeking validation because holy shit.

#♻️ realizations but traumatic #csa survivor #csa vent #csa victim #childhood sa #childhood sa victim #weed mention #cw weed #weed cw #childhood abuse #childhood abuse mention #childhood abuse cw #actually did #actually dissociative #actually traumatized #actually traumagenic #childhood trauma

[pensarecool2]

vent- click to read

i fucking hate how i can’t listen to any nursery rhymes without flashbacks. any like “classic” or common children’s song? immediate trauma association. i hate it. i hate it so much. either it was playing or i was singing it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it so much. i want it to go away. welp time to get more high

#ptsd vent #csa survivor #trauma vent #did system vent #childhood sa #childhood abuse vent #childhood ptsd #childhood trauma #weed mention #csa vent #the squid system 🦑 #🦑 lore #blurry ❓🦑 #🍃🦑 thoughts

[twoheadedfather]

it's so weird having severe childhood trauma😭😭 "yeah, i was tortured as a child." like, ooookay...😬 why is it as embarrassing as getting hit by a car

#nobody is relating to this robot close the tab. #oh you went through severe and chronic trauma? well i just called the mayor of loserville and it was your number apparently so #😭LIKE WTF IS MY BRAIN EVEN TALKING ABOUT ATP #childhood trauma #trauma #childhood abuse #childhood neglect #toxic parents #complex ptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder #cptsd #post traumatic stress disorder #ptsd #abusive parents #neglectful parents #parental neglect #parental abuse #csa survivor #childhood sa #you will NEVER catch me going in depth about the shit i've been through because #one it would make me extremely upset duh #but also two it's so embarrassing like wtf am i even talking about #is this a coping mechanism

[theeborealowl]

Hello its me Sarah. I couldn't be friends with you because your weird boyfriend cheating thing I licked and threw up in a vagina before

My weird boyfriend cheating thing? I cheated on a bf once, don't remember any other cheating; constantly worried partners were cheating because I was raised to believe I am garbage that no one will ever want. If I was overly sexual with you at any point it's likely because I was sexually abused up until I was 8y.o. and didn't remember most of it but lost all sense of boundaries. I've been learning to do better and take accountability for the ways I've fucked up because of my traumas. To explain them but own my own actions at the same time.

And you threw up in a vagina once? I'm sorry to hear that? I don't know what you want from me here...

Are you ok? Cause it sounds like you're having a bad time and projecting on me cause I'm convenient and you had things you were too afraid to say before.

I don't mind you airing your issues with me. Honestly I've wanted people to drop the fake masks they wear when they deal with me anyway.

If you want to drop the anon and talk to me like a person, I welcome that too.

Gifts you gave me that mean something to me: Tiny beaded medallion/pendant & Noodle.

Noodle was the only gift I got for graduation and was the only recognition I got from anyone that what I did was an accomplishment.

The pendant has sat on my altar since you gave it to me. It's there because I think about you every time I see it and wish I knew how to reach out and check on you, but you block and avoid me... And now I know why.

You were never honest with me about not liking me... I don't know why you let me keep hanging around you. I don't understand why you gave me YEARS of gifts and gift baskets... I don't understand. But I accept it, cause all I can do is accept that we never had the relationship I thought we did.

But I hope you find your own happy and a way to make your life something you actually want. I hope you get therapy too, it's really helpful having someone there to listen and help sort through the past that weighs you down.

#Anons #tw sa #tw s a #tw #childhood sa

[nikkiandroses]

It’s starting to feel like I can look back at what I went through and see her as someone else. Someone I never knew yet know everything about. Maybe it’s because it’s less painful to remember what happened from her point of view so my mind forces it out to where she almost seems like a child I had but didn’t. A rose with a thorn but the thorn is only a ghost. I can’t see her as me. Maybe it’s the many years in between her and I that seems to separate us as two strangers. Years that simply don’t seem to exist in my mind. And yet I know logically they are there. Trying to merge us back into one person seems to make everything more painful… as if the events are happening again at the present time but now we are both going through it. Perhaps it would’ve been better for her to let dead things rest. But for me I need to know. There a sense of remorse for not being able to understand the why from everyone who had thier share. A hatered for my family for never having acted or questioning or even raising me to understand that I should’ve talked to them. And an even deeper hatred of myself for feel that insatiable loathing towards people who didn’t receive a “child psychology for dummies” manual after leaving the hospital late February of 2002.

I feel torn and a mix of distraught and furry for her yet I can’t seem to feel the same way for me. I see her face in the mirror and old pictures but I don’t recognize that girl as what I have become. A self-loathing mess who pushed all those heinous moments away only for them to resurface once a new life was put into her hands. Only when I look into his wonder filled eyes do I see that little girl I couldn’t save. Only when I feel his fragile little body snuggle into mine for warmth in the morning do I see her begging for attention in the only way she knew how.

Whether it was ruining her pale skin on her arms or struggling to get the last two hair bands off her throat when she had actually started struggling to breath at age 9. Or weather it was lashing out and turning the things she’d been through onto others because gods know she had to put those wretched moments somewhere other than her mind. Maybe if she hadn’t been through it all I would have the faith my parents always wanted us to have. But what kind of god preaches to be thankful for trials and that someone as kind and benevolent as he would only put you through what he knew you could handle.

What kind of god decides a young girl like her could handle such things. What kind of god decides a child can handle being touched the way she was. What kind of god can watch a child make attempts of such a tragic act 12 times and still think she could take more. Part of me has always wanted to believe knowing it would make my parents happy. But I just cannot fathom out my love daughter and trust into a god who could do let such things happen to such an innocent child. She didn’t deserve that.

None of those children out there deserved what happened to them for simply trusting a family member or not being taught the reality of such things. Yet no child should HAVE to be taught these things to be safe. What kind if god would allow those wicked monsters to do anything they want to children. Why punish a child for someone else’s urges. Why let a child burn so the villains can stay warm. Some say it’s because of agency, that they have a free will. But how could you let a young being suffer because you chose to give people the option.

If the Bible was correct and Lucifer wanted to take away free will, doesn’t that mean these things wouldn’t happen. But Christ offered all the glory to you and in your thirst for your own power and ego, you chose to let good and innocent people suffer through truly wicked things. At the prospect of your own glory, you threw away every chance of keeping your “beloved children” safe.

I had never through confronting these memories of a past I cannot fathom as my own could bring up so much more than just the individual tragedy of that girls childhood. And yet here I sit tears and wrecked breathing, wondering why Why if god was real would he let this happen. Does he not love me? I know my parents love me because of the way they would do anything to protect me. So does he not love me to have let these things happen?

We are taught that in exchange for undivided faith and loyalty to one being we would receive gifts of lavish immortality and happiness without end. It simply doesn’t feel like love to me to be given these things without any real proof or evidence of the love my parents give. No protection for bad things. No safety from these people who prey on young for their own sexual gratification. No hugs goodbye or kiss goodnight. No comforting words of “you are enough”. Only an empty promise of things that have yet to be proved.

So I look down upon that little girl who loved to folded paper into complex boxes and animals. Who love to sing and dance in the kitchen to the phantom of the opera. Who loved dresses that would twirl like Cinderella’s and toy jewelry that glittered like stars in the sky. Who learned to ride a bike on her own and could read books far beyond her grade at such a young age. Who’s favorite desert was is snickerdoodle cookies and square ice cream. Who cried at the sight of her mother tears and studied her father’s face while showing him a song, craving to see any sign of enjoyment of such a simple tune. The girl who wanted to be a blacksmith and designer, painter and singer, electrician and author. The girl who used to be blonde with freckles and with crowns made of branches from the weeping willows in her grandmothers backyard. Who always seemed to be pulling up her pants because they never seemed to fit. The girl who would’ve traded $20 for a root beer flavored dum-dum without a second thought and I wonder.

What happened. Why did she change so much. How on this hell ridden planet did something so small, gentle and strong, turn into someone as bruised broken and fucked up as me?

Me who can’t stand wearing dresses or skirts in fear of being looked at wrong. Me who still yearns for verbal affirmations that my father enjoys the same things I do or thinks I’m cool but still can’t voice that need. Me who no longer folds origami or dances around the kitchen in a soft cream colored dress that had ruffles lining the skirt in layers at the prospect of looking like a fool. Me who still hurts when I see my mother cry and still searches for purchase on the feeling that It’s “not that bad” when I know it is. I no longer have freckles or blonde hair, but sometimes I wish I did. I wish I could still have every career in the world but I can’t. I still write books but they will sit in my Google docs collecting dust until the day I die. Me who still wishes I could dress like a princes and be pampered sometimes but feels in debt over simple gifts. Me who still loves snickerdoodle cookies and could eat square ice cream everyday but I live to far away now. Me who no longer seem to have the creative nature to make accessories from flowers and tree branches. Who no longer need to pull up my pants after losing the childlike figure and grown into a woman. Who now who give a lot in exchange for $5 if it meant being able to buy that little bit of extra food on the table.

I wonder what happened and yet I know what she went through. That little girl who I can’t seem to see as myself anymore.

I know what happened. But I still only wish.

#real life #rant #childhood #childhood sa

[r029]

I'm so sadistic that when i send nudes and never talk to you again. You'll never forget me. <3

#bd/sm sadist #sadistic #actually psychotic #bpd hypersexual #bpd sa #hypersexual #childhood sa #teen sa

[pensarecool2]

vent post regarding childhood ptsd. click to read

the more we remember, the more we hate the general public. i know people dunk on people who get all concerned when kids are screaming in public, but more people should be fucking concerned by a child screaming. i don’t care if it causes a scene for an innocent parent. better safe than fucking sorry. if you hear a kid screaming in a store, especially a section that is cluttered with a lot of things to hide behind in a fucking empty (person-wise not product-wise) area, pay attention to what fucking happened, not the fucking adult’s bullshit explanation as to why his child is crying. like the sheer number of people who see a man and a distressed child, or see a distressed child, and don’t give a fuck is insane. so many people could’ve fucking done something over the years. so many people. teachers. bystanders. anyone. noone did. cause no one cares. no one gives a fuck

#the squid system 🦑 #🦑 lore #vent cw #did system vent #cw vent #vent post #vent tag #actually traumatized #actually traumagenic #traumagenic system #ptsd flashbacks #childhood ptsd #ptsd thoughts #ptsd #childhood sa

[dastardly-crows]

my reaction to seeing people compare the real and horrifying reality of childhood SA and violence to fictional characters who will never experience pain or emotion:

#tags for reach #tw vent #vent post #tw child abuse #tw childhood trauma #sa mention #sa tw #tw sa mention #proshitter #proship #fuck antishippers #fuck antis

[twoheadedfather]

things that i did/do that i recently realized are probably because of child abuse

stashing food in my room and hiding the trash afterwards - i usually bring in boxes and bags full of food into my room when my parents are away with the plan to eat it throughout the week... to which i usually binge it. i don't want my parents to find out i stole the food and that i ate it that quickly, so i hide the trash in my closet or in other areas my parents usually don't see. then, i slowly take out the trash from week to week until, in theory, i'd have none left.

not feeling privacy in my own room - i have to go into "secret", "hide" places whenever i want to change my clothes or do anything else i'd consider a private thing. most of the places i consider private are the places i used to hide when i was a kid (i.e. "hide" places). it's like i think they can even see me in my room, or are about to come in even when the door is locked. i do not feel privacy in the bathroom, either.

knowing how to keep a door locked - i learned weird ways to keep doors locked because my parents always kept keys to each door on the door sill. when they would try and unlock a door, i'd hold the lock shut with my finger (if it was a press lock) or turn it with my fingers (if it was a turn lock).

my first reaction is to be violent - as a kid, saying "no" and "stop" did not stop my parents from trying to hurt me, so i turned to hitting, kicking, scratching, tickling, or really anything i thought would hurt in order to keep them off me. whenever someone tries to touch me now, my first instinct is to beat the shit out of them in order to get them to stop touching me indefinitely instead of asking them not to.

thinking wrong things are right, and then blaming myself for thinking it - as a child, i was very confused when people asked me to play with them and they didn't start hitting me. i was confused when the games didn't involve me getting sa'd. i was confused when other kid's parents didn't yell at them for making a mistake. then i grew up and realized these things were wrong, and, instead of blaming my parents, i blame(d) myself for not being able to know that certain things weren't "playing" or "games" or "appropriate punishment"- even though i was a very small child who was taught playing was hitting, and that yelling was appropriate punishment for accidentally falling and scraping your knee.

thinking everyone secretly hates me even if they're nice to me - my therapist says she thinks about me over the weekend, and i can come up with a million ways on why it can be negative... and, like, one way it might be positive. my first reaction is to assume people hate me. if they do hate me, great! i was right! if they act like they don't hate me, they're just a nice person lying in order to keep that appearance up. nobody can like me because i am not a person who deserves to be liked, for good and nice things to happen to. my only use in life is to do good thing for other people, which will actually just end up being bad things and hurting them. are you getting the gist of how this works?

#tw child abuse #tw sa #tw eating disorder #inspired by a-sip-of-milo... i think #sorry it's been awhile since i wrote this #just posting it in case someone relates #childhood trauma #trauma #childhood abuse #child abuse #csa survivor #childhood sa #actually abused #actually traumatized

[guess-who-relapsed]

#sa survivor #csa survivor #trauma memes #actually traumatized #hypersexual #sex repulsed #actually dissociative #childhood trauma #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd vent

[mindfulparentingproject]

Hey y'all. Healing is possible. It's hard and it takes years. There are things you may not be able to fully heal and there are things you will let go of quickly. It's okay. There is no timeline for healing.

#generational trauma #trauma survivor #childhood abuse #sa survivor #mindfulparenting

[sparrow-the-tired-lesbian]

here’s a friendly reminder for survivors of any sort of abuse that

It wasnt your fault

You are strong

You didnt ask for it

No one gets to invalidate your experience

If someone invalidates your experience, you get to dump their ass

#i suffered through a friend abusing me #physically emotionally and mentally. These reminders save me everyday #childhood trauma #trauma #emotional abuse #parental abuse #sa survivor #abuse survivor #abuse recovery #child abuse #tw abuse

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Childhood trauma culture is being grown and still getting really into whatever was popular with kids/teens when you were that age because you feel like you missed out

#childhood trauma #adverse childhood experiences #late diagnosis #medical trauma #family trauma #parental abuse #csa survivor #sa survivor #trauma disorders #traumagenic #trauma recovery #cptsd healing #cptsd recovery #complex trauma #age regression #trauma response #post traumatic stress disorder #complex post traumatic stress disorder #autistic trauma #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #late diagnosed autistic #audhd problems #intersectionality #comorbidities #comorbid conditions