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imjustsadatm · 6 months

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how im feeling

idk how to put into words. my heart feels heavy, i feel unsafe i feel like im overreacting but every fibre in my body rejects opening up to him, i want to so bad but its like i know its not safe.

because abby, what happened the other day made you do so much to urself already so imagine opening up to him and it backfires...

i think deep down im scared i would actually kill myself if the only parent i have in my life rejects me. like, im really scared..

bruised and scratched up, left you black and blue, he didnt do that to you but he made you do it to yourself.

in a way im glad for these bruises, it makes me focus more. it makes me remember. sometimes i get too wrapped up acting like our family's fine and perfect i forget that hes terrible.

thats not true abby you know hes still learning, you know hes done so much good in the past few years.

so why do you still feel so hurt and sad and torn??? why do you still insist on running away?? leaving??? why do you wake up crying??? you know he's come a long way, you know hes trying his best.

okay but why did i get into such a bad episode after that fight????

because you know how he views mental illnesses, how he views "traumas", it made you feel like he hated it whenever you opened up to him.

did he hate me? does he still hate me? i think because it takes so much for me to be vulnerable to a parent, that when i found out that thats how he truly felt about it, it left me feeling cam... oh abby ni membebankan. like i shouldnt open up to him coz its a burden to him.

i hope one day he feels what i felt, i hope they both feel what i have felt when they shattered my soul.

i think thats so funny, the people who brought me into this world we be the reason that i leave this world. they really did shatter me. from the inside out. they did it. they were just so terrible, so selfish, so mean. idt anything i do could ever be as mean as what they've done. what did i do to deserve this even, why do they hate me. if my own parents can't love me then how could anyone else? if i cant even trust my own parents then what makes me think i could trust anyone else? thats crazy tbh thats like freaking wild when u really think about it.

i cant even look him in the eyes these days. i cant trust him, im scared of him. "cari kerja here lah, near us" no thank you, you dont care about me that way. i dont see a future near him. which succalled ks because i love my siblings, i love them and i know i will miss them so much. but they will stay where he is i fear. but one day i hope they all leave with me, and we'll all build a new life, away from our so-called parents, away from our parents that made it our problem that they couldn't work it out, our parents who secretly resent us.

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bobbyhelpme · 6 months

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MY FRIEND TELLS ME SHE LOOKS LIKE VRISKA I WANT TO DIE..... the worst is that she does....

(the pronouns are they/she :b!!)

HERE IT COMES A SUPER LONG TEXT ABOUT HER CHARACTER SOOO man if you really read it i will be impressed

Ok a little bit of context about them, her name is Bonniq Piroux (the reason of the name is coz my 3 internet names are "Bobby bot", "Piromano canadiense (canadian pyromaniac, i am not canadian lol)" and "Roux", the surname clearly comes from Piro + Roux, and Bonniq is the variation of Bobby + Q, qoz of her quirk xd), she's "indexTrafficker" (IT) since they talk a loot about this "index", which herself doesn't know what are they refering to, just saying "the boss tells me to sell it an i do lol". I haven't thinked of her color while chatting but perhaps it would be like #0076E4 (?) She's a blood aspect and prospit dreamer (since i am too a blood and prospit fella!!!), so her sign would be Scorcer (not trying to be like a scorcer oc or something like that, it was more directed about "what if i was a troll" since a friend pushed me to!!!). She's a Witch of Blood and uses Needlekind and Wandkind, since that's what I play as and use in the Genesis Project (y'know, the game) and well she's 6 sweeps coz i know shit about sweeps so if the characters are 6 sweeps then she is too xd....

About their typing quirk, is basically how I write (at least in spanish, pa los qe sepan español, maomeno asi ablo XD oviamente se esqribirnsolo esqribo mal aproposito www). They change the C and K for a Q, USUALLY SPEAKS IN QAPS WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY, EXCITED, SCARED OR LAUGHING, has a lott of mistaqes of grammar, misclixks and mispellls. almost never capitalizes or punctuates their sentences, and uses a lotti of abrev. n contractions, coz they be typing very fast brum brumm!!!

(añado qosas en español, en los "que" y "qui" se come las u tipo "qe" y "qiero", tampoqo asentua sus palabras, a las "ce" y "ci" las esqribe como "se" y "si" y ps bueno habla asi bien pinche naqote como yo lololol)

More about their personality; they are basically me since it's my oc lol? but I guess I dont actually show my personality here that much so I'm going to describe it a lil' bit. They change emotions very fast and intentionally exaggerate them for comedic purposes, swears a lot and can be rude sometimes but not trying to hurt someone, just annoy them a lil' bit. As stated in the image, they open chat by asking them to buy their "index", this is actually something i do in instagram XDDDDD i open dm just for tellin them im giving "ficheros", the direct translation would be like folders or sumthing like that, but the thing is that "fichero" is not a common word and without context nobody knows what that means, so index would be a good translation since its a word that a lot of people know about but without context it loses meaning or because very weird, exactly like "fichero". Now, talking about Bonniq, they are overly empathic (me) and always try to make people feel better (same) and would feel terrible knowing they caused actual harm to someone they didn't mean to (twins!!!), in any case i dont think they would murder someone, less if they don't deserve it lol...!!! also can feel emotion through text, not a psychic ability or anything just an instinct (unless i am a psychic and i didn't know...)

Going to talk a lil bit about their design here...

She has those 2 horns with what seems to be an additional horn growing in them, i did it because it looks cool that's the only explanation :b... Decided she was a blue-blood coz my bday is 5/11 and that makes me a blue blood (i hate it, was thinking about indigo-blooded but, eh, the character looks like a blue-blooded lol). She uses make up because I LOVE MAKEUP... and making my own oc without make up feels like a crime!!! her pupils are divided in 2 coz my favourite number is 2 :b! About her outfit, I chose that because it's what I wear to school (i changed the colors duh...) and I love it!!! The neon red belt is because i fuckin love that color and i would av used it if i wasn't a blue blood :v... gloves because i love gloves, i would use them everyday!! I gave her a shady look and pose to show the "indexTrafficker" part of them XD

Anyways a super long post but I loved drawing her and i wanted to show them to the rest...!!! thanks for reading if anyone did???

#homestuck #trollsona #fantroll #fan troll #troll oc #homestuck oc #longy post

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machetemaiden27mcx · 1 year

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I think i have ptsd.. i cant escape some of things that have happened, even in my dreams. I need help but im scared. Coz talking about it makes it real. I drink and get stoned until i can almost believe the sexual assault i suffered at my main partner, sigmas hands never happened at all.

I wish so hard it hadnt. But every night i dream of what he did. I dream of BB and us running away together. I dream of getting revenge on my bullies... them being more broken than me. And honestly? I believe in karma.

So if i feel hurt they must be getting what they deserve. Not all of them deserve terrible things, dont get me wrong. Some of them only joined in due to peer pressure. I hope those guys are well. But the instigators? The people who i dream about, who stole from me, beat me up and threw things at me? They need punishing. My dear mother nature will sort that out for me

#rant #karma #trauma

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kdipshit · 1 year

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The Middle

So sometimes i think in black and white, and I tend to focus relationships this way, which is why I avoid them. Something about a label doesn’t sit right with me, I can only see two sides and that’s black and white. Good and bad. Emmy entire world is full of either good people or bad people, good energies or bad energies, nothing more nothing less, it’s kind of like I’m blind in a feeling type of way, I can’t sense outside of that and I don’t realise there’s a middle ground, im a fucking Libra y’all, but instead of being the scales as 1 thing, Im the actual like scales weight part that goes up and down and doesn’t stop in the middle. I’m unbalanced, idk man.

Im thanking god itself for allowing me sleep every single night. A good sleep, every night, its allowed me to wake up at an earlier hour, not feel so sluggish and like doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with my life, oh man. I am so grateful, I appreciate nature more, I appreciate the moment, I’m not BORED I’m at PEACE, and the simplicity of it all creates a warm feeling in me like connection. Yellow, orange, brown, gold, radiance. And she the only one that know what I mean.

Lol when I was a kid how did I cry? That would be so funny idkkk mannn, was i like one of those yell cries outta no where coz I can’t hold it in? Ahahaha, I don’t remember it guess it was like how I cry now right? Which is only apparently when I’m really crazy angry and when I’m super dooper sad lol, I feel like I cry in the middle tho, this is just what I’m sister has told me, but I definitely cry alone, my sister is the closest person to me, and she only sees me cry at the very peak of my emotions, so I’m pretty good at hiding it I guess? It doesn’t feel like I’m hiding anything because its always there, I’m clearly the only person who perceives these feelings, so it should only exist to my perspective right? Okay then change your perspective… okayyyyy….. I get scared of new emotions, and perceive them bad, I can mistake connection for a ‘get out’ type of feeling, Its hard for me to accept and trust something that first makes me feel anxious and a need to change my surroundings because I now feel trapped in my own space. I’ve just taught myself how to stick it through the moment no matter how it feels and not to fly away in my brain. I can’t escape my brain, its connected to me. The middle has so much space, when I meditate I am there, and its getting easier to do without having to actually try to do anything, coz thats exactly what it is. Its not so loud I have so much space it feels so freeing, I’m not bound to any emotions, any thoughts, nothing, I’m free. nothing will hurt me here, Im safe to be in my creative bubble and positive energies. I don’t care what you think of me.

I only have a few people in my life who I would text if something major happened to me, idk maybe only 1 coz the other couple are family, like my circle is small but its full of trust especially my bestfriend ash, whom I have gone thru hell and back with. The middle doesn’t harm me with my own thoughts as weapons, of course there was a middle ground, how could I not have see this? I mistake growth for ‘this is the exact same’ type of energy, which in turn makes me feel like I’m making no progress, and forget to store the new energy, now that I know this, I can accept the new emotions and new feelings and new environment , yanno? Should I change my room around again hehe? Nah, I feel good here, I like m bed close to the computer, I can put my leg up while typing hahah.

Me moving around and doing anything for ME is ME manipulating energy so that I can create anything I desire here on earth. It doesn’t have to happen the exact way I’m thinking, it just happens. And thats the magic behind your thoughts. I don’t like awkward love I’m pretty awks like not by choice, I feel less awkward in myself when I’m feeling less like everyone is watching me and more like I’m the only one here watching, and thats all I need to remember. I’m experiencing life through this body and anyone else experiencing me is also me experiencing myself from the different angle. I want to be 90% present in 100% of my moments, giving my 100% , 100% of the time.

I believe theres nothing wrong with me

instead of identifying with your thoughts, work with them. Everything is a thought, everything. Work towards changing your thinking pattern from negative to positive by consciously swifting into a better energy daily. It’s a choice, it’s my choice how I feel and think, since they usually come together.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #bipolar

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quitesins · 2 years

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hi are u accepting request? Im obess with your king bakugou headcanon😭✨ im really curious like how would reader would met bakugou, or how would the reader get his attention (becuase that brat doesnt paying attention to people who are boring-). Did we met him in a ball or a horse racing competition?. Its okay if youre not accpeting request :)))

So glad you enjoyed it!! I don’t quite do full requests but I can defo be prompted into talking about Bakugou lol! so here’s my off the dome- no edit, just vibes- word spam of Dragon King! Bakugou!!!

How Dragon King! Bakugou and Reader Meet

Masterlist | Dragon King! Bakugou

Tags: Sfw, Suggestive, Fem! Reader Mentions of violence/Nsfw, not explicit, Fantasy Au, Dragon Hybrid! Bakugou, King! Bakugou, [this was a lot longer and structured than it was meant to be so, its still messy though coz I was straight up freestyling. I honestly have no clue if this connects to the Hcs I wrote, I forgor wtf was in there.] the plot of this is a bit cartooney- don’t look at it so deeply

Summary: Bakugou saves reader from an angry mob, and in turn develops an unexpected friendship with the girl.

It’s nothing original but I’d like to think reader is someone not of aristocratic decent. It’s unheard of, not only is she a human, but a common one at that.

But the first time he laid eyes on you, he knew; It was you he’d mate for life.

The Bakugou crown had been passed down already, but the previous queen’s nagging still reigned over Katsuki. After all, she was his mother. No matter how many times he called her a nosy hag- who needed to mind her own business- he still found himself sat in stuffy suits, opposite noblemen intent on getting their daughters hitched to the most powerful family of them all. The girls were either too proper or downright scared of him and the parents clearly wanted nothing but to pimp their daughters out. He was sick of it.

Queen Mitsuki would often curse that she never had another child. Her son was just too stubborn and hard headed. She gave him freedom to find love on his own, but a man like him, constantly at work- or constantly in a fight- she had given up. It wasn’t just about finding someone to continue the lineage though, she genuinely wished the best for her son. Someone for him to come home to the way she did his father. Someone to tame him, someone to share his burdens, someone to love him. Someone for him to love.

Bakugou liked to think he didn’t have time for love, a quick fuck here or there sure, but a relationship? He’d rather be forced to endure another banquet with the Todoroki’s than get into that sappy stuff.

He didn’t know it then, but his own words would come back to bite him. Hard.

It was supposed to be a simple raid, of a nearby human village that had started to get a little greedy with its trading. Humans were often arrogant when it came to dragons, seeing them as nothing but brutes with no brains. Katsuki was smart, and somewhat just, so seeing his kin ripped off on the basis their kind were idiots? Not only did it piss off his pride but also his morality.

But nothing is ever so simple with the Bakugou’s.

When he got there, his men ready but settled, the entire village was already in uproar. Merchants shouting over each other, villagers screaming bloody murder yet not a single person seemed to be hurt.

“Fuck is all this?” Katsuki grabbed hold of one of the traders, demanding an answer.

“A witch!” The man responded with a look of disgust, pointing to where the heart of the chaos laid. “They’ve caught a witch!”

Katsuki looked at him with a scowl, wondering what shitty witch could kick up such a fuss. He let the man go, ordered his men to get the villagers to calm the fuck down, and started making his way to whatever had started the riot.

Pushing past the crowd, he heard you before he saw you.

“‘M not a fuckin’ witch!” You struggled against the constraints that kept you bound, snarling when someone got too close.

Your language amused Katsuki, he’s never heard a lady talk with such flagrance. But your expression confused him, you weren’t fearful- just really fucking pissed.

“We saw you!” A man perked up. “All those herbs and strange spices, what else could it be used for other than witchcraft!”

Bakugou nearly laughed at the way your face twisted to blink at the man’s stupidity.

“To cook, you dipshit!”

The man didn’t take that well, stepping forward. He didn’t get to lay his hands on you. Katsuki had let out a loud shout, startling the crowd.

“Don’t touch her.” He approached you with a smirk on his face, too curious to let you go. “This one’s mine.”

“Didn’t need your help.” You spat out, brushing down your clothes as he finally freed you.

Katsuki merely rolled his eyes. The petulance was somewhat entertaining. But he quickly caught onto the irony and scowled. “Yeah and you were doing just fine, tied to a literal stake.”

“They wouldn’t go through with it.” It was your turn to roll your eyes. “They’re not all bad, just fools who’ll follow anyone”

He didn’t disagree.

“Well then the fuck are you.” He nodded in the direction of the village, as the two of you had moved into the clearing where the forest began. “Ain’t you one of them?”

Your face told him enough. “Wouldn’t be strung up like a rabbit if I was. I’m not from here but I’ve made home in the forest.” You shrugged. “Just come here for stuff they get from the city.”

“Can’t magic it all up?” Katsuki teased. “After all you are a witch.”

You scoffed, but he heard the slight smile as you replied. “If I was, you would be under a silencing spell right now.”

The sun had started to set, and he could tell it was probably best if you returned home. Still, Katsuki was too intrigued to let the conversation taper. Instead he insisted, much to your faux dismay, he escort you home.

To put it simply, your housing situation was shit.

“This is a fuckin’ cave.” Katsuki deadpanned as the two of you approached your abode.

“It’s cozy!” You shot back, defending your home. It was quite cozy to be fair, rocks covered in fabrics, plush pillows scattered around. Even if it was a little shabby it was better than nothing.“Plus, don’t you dragons live in caves.”

The mention of dragons made his eyebrow quirk. His dragon features had been tucked way. “You know who I am?”

You scoffed, lighting an oil lamp, illuminating the cave in a dim glow. “Who doesn’t.”

He supposed you were right. He was known throughout the lands. For his infamy of course, but he was a household name.

“And you’re not scared of me?”

“Nah.” Your eyes flickered with the flame as they looked up and down his form . “I could take you.”

The reply was unexpected, but somehow Katuski didn’t feel disrespected. Instead his lips curled into a smirk. “I hope you mean in a fight.”

The conversation continued into the night, jokes and laughter coming easy to the both of you. It was almost too difficult to let it come to and end but eventually you shoved him out, already having taken up so much time and making his men wait.

“Don’t miss me too much.” Your voice and expression had sweetened during the time spent together, and it made Katsuki’s face warm and chest tighten.

“Fuckin’ won’t !” Even through the gruffness of his voice, he was sure you could sense the mirth.

Katsuki was a fool to think he wouldn’t fall into the hands of love, but somehow he didn’t mind, not one bit.

We can just pretend Bakugou returns and offers her a place to stay and work at his castle and then ya they be besties and fast forward they in love.

Anyways… that was sumn! I’ll eventually read back and edit the typos or mistakes but for now boom!! Silly spiel about dragon king bakuuu…

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thefandomcassandra · 3 years

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i want to hear more about your norma thoughts. also, some norma thoughts for your consideration: maybe im reading into it but i got the impression that shes secretly desperate for validation. i think that before she joined the psychonauts she never really felt like she had anywhere to belong, and that's a big part of why she's so adamant about finding the mole bc she wants to prove herself and she doesn't want to lose her 'place' in the world, if that makes sense. (sorry if this is weird)

Okay boy, you’ve activated my trap card!!!

(Don’t worry, it’s not weird, I asked for engagement. I love engagement. Talk to me about things like this. It’s so good. Thank you. /gen)

(apologies if this isn’t as in-depth as you or I would like, I was in the middle of writing this when my goddamn computer crashed and I lost everything so this is my second time typing this up and some details might have been eaten by the void, also it is late for me and this may meander and be incoherent in places)

Oh she is absolutely desperate for validation. Like I said in my original post: I was almost like Norma. The only thing that kept me from being her was severe social anxiety. I couldn’t snitch because I was too scared of talking to people--especially adults and other people in power.

Norma strikes me as the type of person who is horribly insecure and that drives her desire for validation to the point of self-destruction. I made mention that, while Raz is trusting to the point of handing people knives to stick in his back later, Norma burns bridges when she crosses them so people can’t do that to her. She wants people to like her, but only people in power. She wants people to trust her, but only on her terms. She wants to be in a position where no one can hurt her, but she’s willing to hurt others to get there.

Even her sister.

There’s a really really good pair of fics on AO3 that got me thinking about Norma like this (Fire on Ice by PresidentStalkeyes and The Cold Shoulder by PresidentStalkeyes) and I’m not gonna lie about it. The idea that hydrokinetic (and by extension, cryokinetic because most people won’t know they’re different psychic disciplines) psychics are reviled because of Maligula is actually probably something that happened. So for the twin (coz they have to be twins) sister of an openly cryokinetic psychic, she would be, by association, as bad as if not worse than Maligula, an actual terrorist and mass-murderer.

No Psychic Protection Act will prevent mobs from forming if they feel threatened.

So Norma, judging by how she dresses--like a prep-school know-it-all--versus how Lizzie dresses--like a stereotypical psychic or a witch--probably wants to pretend in “polite” (read: non-psychic) company that she’s like them. Normal Norma and her creepy psychic sister. But Lizzie is used to being thrown under the bus so she just rolled with it. Leaned into it even.

But yeah, being so desperate for someone to need her, for anyone to say “you did a good job, we couldn’t have done this without you” is probably why Norma does what she does regarding the whole mole situation.

Imagine you want to be noticed. To stand out from your peers. And for the first time ever, you being a psychic is actually helpful instead of a problem. So you have to be the best psychic. And not just the best psychic, the best psychic spy.

You’re good at getting people to talk. You’re persistent and charismatic and you know just the right words to get people to say things they don’t mean to say--even without probing their mind with telepathy or picking up on ambient emotions with empathy--and reveal things they don’t want to reveal because you know that people, like you, are desperate for someone to listen. Then you hear there is a mole at your workplace right after some baby-faced teen gets admitted to a program you had to work your ass off to get into. He has to be the mole. He can’t be better than you--not without cheating and not without reason.

Because if he’s better than you, then you’re not worth noticing.

Because if he’s better than you, then you’re not special.

Because if he’s better than you, then why are you even here?

Anyway I think that Raz’s earnest nature genuinely is the foil for Norma’s cynicism but they share a lot of the same desire to be useful and needed and noticed. And, credit where credit is due, but @sparrowdoodles commented this in the tags of their reblog of the original post and this is a fair point I didn’t consider:

#this is interesting to think about when also examining their psychic abilities #Norma specializes in pyrokinesis #where as raz has hydrokinesis #fire and water being two element seen as related to eachother #while also being opposites! #just a fun thing I noticed

That dichotomy also is a neat little thing to think about. Norma holds on to grudges. Simmers. She keeps the embers of things close to her chest and stokes them to fuel whatever she’s pursuing at the time. Raz, on the other hand, lets things roll off him. Like water, he lets things sink through him and rides the wave past its crest.

To borrow a turn of phrase: like water off a duck’s back.

Anyway I’m certain I had more to say about this but my brain has turned to soup and brevity is the soul of wit and by god and heaven above I cannot be brief to save my goddamn life apparently lmao.

Thanks for asking. /gen

My inbox is always open for people to come ask me about characters and headcanons. I have so much to say about things all the time--like psychic specialties and what kind of treatises must have been written about psychic powers and holy fuck please ask me about Otto I love that morally grey science grandpa--and am always willing to expand upon the original thoughts. But, alas, I don’t show up in tags for some un-fucking-known reason (my running theory is I’ve been shadowbanned for years but who knows) so any engagement and numbers I do are because someone else reblogs my posts and then bam! Others do the same.

Like the Norma post.

So yeah, continue asking me about things I fucking love to talk (as seen above) and have so much to say (i.d.) and please reblog.

#the sheepy answers #the-handsome-cat #norma natividad #psychonauts 2 #character meta #please reblog #i cannot overstate how frustrating as a creator this can be #anyway #genuinely thank you for asking me this #i love to elaborate

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rm4lyf · 3 years

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hello! i don’t know what to call this other than to appreciate this author.

i love this author and i don’t think i have ever said why? sure there's romance, fluff, smuts galore, but most importantly real issues are discussed. and i have found myself crying more than anything else when i’m reading stories from this author.

Of Boogers and Tteokbokki - God! the assumption drawn in this story that led to misunderstanding and hurt and separation! im a mom so feel the female character's desire to keep her baby. iknow that even confronted with a possibility of having a child with Down Syndrome, i would have chosen to push through with it.

Call of Duty - my goodness, i cannot imagine what every wife, husband, father, mother, daughter, son goes through when they are told that their loved one in uniform is missing or that something has happened to them. how it feels to send them off while thinking at the back of your mind if this will be the last you will see them. shhhh... you know the pic in this story? yes, that’s my lock screen image...

BEAR and SPARROW - i hav read countless stories of people escaping their own country via illegal means, have watch multiple documentary and its heart breaking... i hav eto be honest that i stopped reading after chapter 3, so scared that the author will take the route of realism and have Sparrow die in the hands of police and get lost in the sea of missing immigrants... i have not found the courage to continue reading this...

Road to Redemption - this one hit hard, so damn hard!!! i cried a river. it hit home, so very very very close to home. the plates in the sink, check! socks not in the hamper but in the fucking dining chair, check! the procrastination, hell check!!! and what really hurts, is when he tells you - "chill, will you relax??? i will take care of it" only to wake up the following morning with the same plates in the sink, the same sock in the dining chair, the multiple to do's that should have been done last week.

Stay - your latest story made my chest hurts so bad. i didn't get my road to redemption (if u know what i mean), but i am so blessed to be surrounded by such a strong support system that never ever have i come close to succumbing to depression. all i know is that, its not easy to cry for help, coz its hard to swim to the surface and its pitch black below.

i love you @sahmfanficbts, your stories ground me. it tells me that i am not alone in what i go through. i don't know how to give back to content creator/writers like you, except to shout out to whoever follows me that you guys are the best out there!

💜💜💜😘😘😘

#bts smut #bts fanfic #kim namjoon smut #kim namjoon fanfic #kim namjoon fic #kim namjoon fanfiction #kim namjoon au #namjoon fanfiction #namjoon fluff #namjoon smut #namjoon angst #kim namjoon angst #jungkook angst #jeon jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic

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personasintro · 3 years

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Ugh I got so mad when kiko just wanted to simply apologize to y/n, as she genuinely felt guilty about telling Hanuel, people started saying to leave y/n alone and not to apologise because it's already too late and blah blah blah, when majority of you guys wanted her to apologise in the previous chp, like cmon.

And also in the same chp when kiko was apologizing to y/n there was a part going "-but something tells you she didn't do it on purpose"(y/n was thinking about how kiko didn't tell hanuel on purpose), after that, people were praising y/n for being mature and all, where previoulsy, they were supporting her when she was acting not so mature. ( I'm not saying she's Hanuel level, but during the nye party, she clearly wanted to do some things which were immature because she was hurt, but didn't coz jungkook stopped her.)

I don't hate y/n and neither do I support kiko, im just trying to say that, don't hate kiko when she's genuinely trying to act nice and don't support y/n when u she's wrong.

Also I hate how kiko gets hate when she does the bare minimum, like I know u guys really hate her but, this is just too much. I mean, people really wanna choke her, burn her and do many other horrible things which I don't want to mention...

I'm scared for the hate kiko's gon' get in the next chp since you said it's really angst-y and the angst is probably all because of kiko (I guess hehe)

Great writing Mimi!! Stay Safe!! (also how many times do u have to type"thank you" every day😂)

You’ve a very mature approach to all of this, I like it! You’ve also shown no favoritism and I appreciate that too!

#ask: anon #ask: mutual help

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thisdreamplace · 2 years

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I think yes, i deserve to be free of this. It really is me bearing these burdens. After i wrote to u, i had a realisation,, i imagined what do i want from them nd it was like i want them to see how much pain i m in coz of THEIR conscious actions... I realized i want THEM to pity me, as pathetic as it sounds. yes i deserve to allow me to be happy no matter whos sayjng what to me. ik im fixating on them, they're my world, my twisted, pain filled world. when the strange thing is my world is what i think of me? is that right?

i dont want to feel this way anymore. how do i put the focus off off what they're doing or not doing? off the memories nd off my body nd mind's reactions to them?

thank you for the comforting words. i want to apologize for the message. Idk if its a good or bad habit, but i dont show ppl how much they hurt me irl, sometimes im irritable but i never show my weak vulnerable side to them and it got too much for me then, so i had to clutch at a straw. But this means I tklerate too much ig. They say u can't heal from the place of sickness but im scared,, what if i don't change inside and then even if im independent i may have these same patterns in people? like at school. i have a deep fear of just existing. ive always thought others have a right to exist to do whatever they want no need to justify, but somehow i cant ever find the courage to do that for myself?

first i don't want tk give the duo so much standing that im havjng misery on my own based on their actions to me. so how could i do that, how could i start? im not looking for a quick fix, but for this change, does it mean me expressing thjngs they want to hear or changing my values? So they don't do that to me? In fact, do u think, is it possible I'm not getting this 'treatment' coz of something I am but coz of what I secretly expect from them?! 😦

second: is everything i have seen in ppl reflecting me inside? that is neville's concept that u reap what u sow. Is it possible for someone to have someone who's evil to them, become nice? Without saying anything to them? i also am realizing rn that i m still subconsiously searching for someone to blame! Ur right! There's no wrong or right. only me nd a deep loneliness ig. I don't mean it in a victim way. This time :) It's terrifying to think we realy are alone to reap what we sow

😶

yeah, your world is what you think of you... in relation to the world and everyone in it. so you see yourself as this person who gets treated this way, you see your family as people who act this way, it all comes together to become your experience.

if i was you, i would just take a step back... internally. because perhaps you cannot escape them physically, maybe you live with them. that isn't a barrier between you and freedom unless you make it so. you have to let yourself feel bad, think the thoughts, wallow in victimhood, but each time you do that fall back into your power. in other words, surrender. "i dont want to feel this way anymore, it's time to feel better (so i won't give in to these feelings willingly anymore)." "love is behind all of this behind, love is waiting for me." "i am supported by the godself within, i am okay." idk, these type of thoughts can help you through it. they help me. so it's just a suggestion. you've clearly held onto this for a while, you've experienced it for years, and it sounds like you're have this painful story in a chokehold. like you arent exactly ready to let it go, but you're also interested enough to begin finding inner freedom. and that interest will guide you. find the light of it even during the darkest moments. it's time to allow yourself to heal, for you. let the facts remain and let your faith to your inner world be your guide through this.

its okay to send this type of message. sometimes we have to vent it out and we open our own eyes through it. the habit you mentioned, it's a neutral habit. you're the one who essentially decides if it's bad or good. it's really unimportant though. we can sit here and think about our habits and how they have got us to Y which lead us to X and perhaps it explains Z. or we can just accept, "okay this was my habit. this was my story i held onto tightly. i dont want to anymore. it's time to change."

if you don't change inside, it will have been a choice rather than something you just couldn't do. so it's not really anything to worry about. don't settle for less, make the decision to change because you have no choice but to anymore. it's time.

in my opinion, wondering about why and how is a detour, when there's an easier way to get to the end destination. how do you want to feel? and practice staying there. don't ask for permission, don't expect anyone to help you get there. (i am guilty of this, wanting someone to change so i can finally feel better... no. i have to change, then i can finally feel better. this goes for all of us.) if you have a human moment where you feel like speaking your mind, okay. we are human. the human experience won't stop the inner world, because we are always experiencing the contents of our inner world. simply get into the habit of experiencing a more beautiful inner world, more frequently.

yeah, everything you have seen in people is reflecting you inside. that's actually the only explanation for it. there is no other reason. now, don't get confused. this doesn't always mean, "so i am a terrible, mean-hearted person just like them?" no, people also can only reflect who you think THEY ARE. so when you see someone as toxic, of course, they will play the role of the toxic person. and you just see yourself as the person who is as the receiving end of that kind of behavior. so yeah, that stands to reason a person can become loving, beautiful, and wonderful to you without you saying a word to them. you didnt have to ask them to become terrible, you don't have to ask them to become loving either.

yes, it can feel scary to reap what you sow on your own. because we are all imagination, we have to imagine better. no one can help us to do so. it's heavy sometimes, but the thing is you don't have to do this overnight. it's okay to breathe, it's okay to start with you. you don't have to worry about changing anyone else. worry about changing you, let yourself feel those things you've been refusing to let yourself feel because of others. it's time to free yourself.

plus, i find it helps you don't have to carry the burden of "i am god" that sometimes comes when you are starting in a lower place. sometimes "i am god" feels more suffocating than liberating, when you already feel so out of control. it's okay to think, "i am god's child" "i am supported by unconditional love within" or things like that. as one of my wonderful friends once said, "sometimes you have to fall, and let your godself catch you." (@astraldoll) it may feel heavy, but let limitless love be your guide.

i will link this article, i have linked many times, because it's so relevant. this person didn't ask for permission from her family to feel better, she decided to. she didn't even bother to try and change them. she just changed herself and because of her refusal to accept less from her family, they changed too. because people can only reflect you.

No One to Change But Self

i can't wait to hear about how you successfully transformed your life 💖

#eiypo

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theythemsam · 3 years

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hey im so sorry about how you feel at the transphobic reactions of jarpad's nb thing or the fake thing,, how it turned out,, im sorry if i sound a little dumb,, uhm but,, i,, for one,, would've been really joyed if he were nb and that were real,, coz solidarity 100,, and im uh sending my love to you buddy,, <3

Thank you. I dont think you sound dumb at all, feeling solidarity with other queer people is never wrong (although i think it would be valid to still be critical of the various sexist & potentially transphobic things jpad has said in the past and hope those prejudices have been dealt with and unlearned), and obviously if somebody is living their truth that is always wonderful. We can discuss issues of privilege and class later. Also parasocial bonds aside, I think being happy that somebody famous, who you maybe admire and look up to, is like you is also completely fine.

The thing is i dont think people necessarily get what their revolted reactions imply. They are not saying "oh great another rich white trans person 🙄🙄🙄 cant wait to see how Nothing will change for poor trans women of color" (which is bitchy, but i get why "resistence" could happen), they are just saying things like this:

As well as a variety of "oh thank god" and "i was really terrified for a second there" and other things. And obviously jpad is a rich white cishet dude with bad politics. So is jackles, so is mollins. These posts will never affect them and will never hurt them. But there are implications there for nonbinary people (and especially for amab nonbinary people, id imagine, who are already an underrepresented and often excluded group (see "women and nonbinary folks... but not These nonbinary folks 😌" groups)) that our identity is "for attention", something to be laughed at or be scared of, something to be judged and declared valid depending on a sacred thing (our agab? Our bodily size? Our sexuality? Our timing of coming out? Our use of pronouns?) that jpad is Obviously missing. And thats bad. Thats just not good. People Need to think critical about why they think those are okay things to say and who they could be hurting.

I personally am not particularly affected by commentary like that, so im fine, thank you for checking in, i just think the potential underlying reasons for these reactions need to be critically thought about and cannot simply be handwaved away with "oh i just think jpad being trans is a laughable concept" because you gotta think about /why/ you think that anybodies potential transness is laughable.

#sam babbles #anon #asks #sam replies #transphobia tw #transmisogyny tw #hate discoursing about this but ughhhhh #yes youre mocking rich white dudeTM but you gotta think about whyyyyy

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surveysonfleek · 2 years

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1616.

MULTIMEDIA What did you think was the worst movie of all time? theres so many out there but the most recent bad movie i watched was brazen which was on netflix If you could be any celebrity, who would you be and why? rihanna, duh Ever buy a bootlegged VHS or DVD? If so, of what? haha yes, i miss those days Would you rather watch movies at home or in the theater?: home What kind of food do you buy at the theater?: i usually have dinner beforehand so i dont feel the need to buy overpriced cinema food lol What artist do you love to sing along with?: riri What artist do you think has no right to be as popular as they are?: theres no one out there that i rly hate tbh but i cant believe chris brown is still as famous as he is after that incident What’s a song that makes you cry? (come on, there has to be one): dance with my father - luther vandross What movie makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts?: white chicks and mean girls Are there any dance/action/fighting scenes from a movie you can perform?: no lol Is there any movie you can quote word for word?: white chicks and mean girls

LOVE AND DATING. What do you think of kissing on the first date?: im not against it Have you ever experienced unrequited love?: no Have you ever dreamt about your crush/significant other?: all the time Was it a good dream, or a nightmare?: normal dreams. i always have boring dreams as if i were living my daily life lol Do the words “I Love You” scare you?: no Have you ever wanted to ask someone out but didn’t? Why?: no Have you ever been on a blind date?: nope

THE PAST. What was your favorite childhood toy?: this big mickey mouse with a string u pull at the back and itd say phrases lol Did you play with kids in your neighborhood when you were little?: yup! How many times have you moved?: 3. What were your “awkward years”?: preteen years for sure Did you have a security blanket/stuffed animal you always slept with?: my security blanket as a kid was smelling my mums hair haha What was your favorite childhood TV show?: arthur and rugrats Movie?: aladdin Did you have lots of new toys or hand-me-downs?: new because i was the firstborn lol Is there anything you would change about your childhood if you could? nope. i had a great childhood

THE FUTURE. Do you want to live in the same town for the rest of your life?: as long as my family and friends are still closeby then yeah Do you worry about the future a lot?: i do What’s the next big event you’re counting down to?: getting our house What kind of technology advances are you expecting?: smart cars hopefully being more affordable Do you believe in a date for the end of the world?: nah, i feel like itll happen when we least expect it How do you think it will come about, anyway? no idea lol

YOUR THOUGHTS. Do you believe in all the teachings of your religion?: haha no If you could go back in time for 1 week, what date would you return to?: if it doesnt change anything in the future, id definitely relive any of the times ive been overseas What do you feel is the best source of venting sorrow or anger?: sleep if im honest Do you believe in magic?: no but i still love it Are computers annoying or helpful?: both Does laundry really need to be separated into colors and whites?: not sure but ill do it anyway lol What’s the best place to meet new people?: through friends tbh. and work Can the future be predicted?: like the weather and shit, yeah haha Why do you fill out these surveys?: to kill time and coz i cant sit still while watching tv

FAVORITES. Attraction at a zoo/carnival: carnivals are all about the food! Brand of peanut butter: i hardly eat peanut butter Planet: earth Foreign food: korean bbq Way to torture someone: tickling Flavor of muffin: banana Toothpaste brand: colgate Piece of memorabilia in your room: my corkboard, its filled with layers and layers of photos, concert tickets, key rings, travel stuff etc Writing utensil: gel pens Extracurricular activity: sleep Person to pick on: haha no one

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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iwaisa · 3 years

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Ok so about the cheating question:You dont know how scared I was to read it coz I was anxious that one of my comfort character would me mentioned kahfjsjsjds BUT IM SO GLAD that you have the same opinion like me !! It hurts that people think that characters like Atsumu, Oikawa, Kuroo would be cheating, just because they are popular and good looking. I think they have better things to do then cheating on their partner who literally love them so much and always tries to be there for them so why cheating? Atsumu is maybe conscious that the partner would like more his brother than him, Oikawa is maybe scared that they would leave him like his ex gf coz he payed more attention to vb so what if it happens again? and Kuroo is maybe scared that he isnt a good bf and that the relationship would be failing like his parents. As someone who is already self conscious and then reading that my comfort character would be a cheater would literally kill me aknajbsjsbsjx

And correct me but did it read it right that your partner cheated on you ?:( ( if you aren't comfortable to talk about, I apologize!)

i basically have nothing to add to this because this summed up my entire thought process on each of these characters

they definitely have better things to do than to cheat on their partner, especially since all of them are occupied with volleyball most of the time. besides, they don’t even want to look at someone else because their gorgeous partner is right there !

atsumu and oikawa have fangirls, but the first thing they’re gonna work to do is to let them know they’re taken and very happy in a relationship with you. they know they have people lined up for them to pick and choose, but ultimately they’re more than content with the fact that they have you and they’re not going anywhere.

and oh god with kuroo... he comes from an incomplete family, he probably has never seen true, genuine love outside of movies. he’s extremely hesitant to get into a relationship due to his belief that not all love lasts forever. however, when he crushes on someone he crushes hard, but he has no idea what to do with it. even in the relationship phase, kuroo is so new to everything, he’ll ask you to guide him through it. i love him.

and yeah, it’s alright to ask !! it’s been a while since we’ve broken up, and he never explicitly told me he had another girl, but his friends and his social media did LOL. it was an awful breakup that could’ve been handled better on his part, but i’m so much better now. no need to apologize ! 💕💖

#[🎧] - playing... issa’s replies #[🎵] - feat. whitesoda

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dsmamedits · 3 years

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LETTER-TO-C

June 10, 2020

Dear C,

I stopped calling you sweetie because I felt that things were lacking between us that we were growing apart. Doubt grew between us. I know when someone is lying to me or at least doesn't tell me the whole truth. I just know. It's just like how we both have a feeling when we'll message each other. It's an instinct instilled in us. I know you hide things for my sake because you did say that white lies are okay as long as it won't hurt the other person but for me lies are lies even if you say they are white lies because white lies are lies that hide things from someone but nothing can stay hidden, the truth will be set free. And once it is free and it's been proven that one wasn't transparent it will hurt more to the person who was kept in the dark. People are not weak, you don't need to lie to them to protect their feelings. Especially me, I'm stronger than you think. I can face anything. I'm stronger knowing there are people who have my back and love me. Isnt that how it's supposed to be?

There are things I can't let go of. I dont want a relationship built on Lies, doubt, dishonesty and no transparency. I may say things that hurt. I may have a cold heart. But it was all to protect you from more trauma and hurt and to protect myself. I know I too have things I still have left unsaid, I want to tell you but there's always something stopping me.

My reaction is a reflection of anothers treatment to me. I've seen relationships and I've experienced my own set of tribulations and I'm sure you have too. Im not insensitive, quite the opposite, You started to not care as much. The doubt grew when you didn't want to open up to me, you would usually tell me about your day the first few weeks of getting to know each other and then you didn't open up as much. I know you're usually detailed when talking about something you're passionate about but that stopped. I had to ask instead of you naturally telling me... That's alright because that helped me be more inquisitive and curious about others. But that was one change. When I told you about it you tried opening up more but I dont like telling people what they should know already. What should have come naturally if you really respected me and my feelings.

I don't like how you made a big deal about my virginity and blamed me for it how I could have prevented it and called me naive and simply didn't understand why it happened and insisted it was my fault. You should have let me go then when I was asking for it. For you to question my situation when you've slept around with other women was an unfair way of taking it out on me. I didn't bring that up anymore because you said you didn't want to say things that I could hold against you. But I'm bringing it up here so I can finally let it go and show you how unfair your way of thinking was.

I know my reactions could have been more lax but when you care about someone when you feel pain you may react the way I did. This is the first time I ever cared about somone to the point I would get mad because I was hurt. I know I could've dealt with this more calmly. This was my first time experiencing this much pain and hurt. I didn't know what to do. If I knew I would've known how to deal with it. With you. You made me fall in love with you and you decide to get sick of me after everything I've shared with you. Way to show me I'm not worth it. Not worth the trouble especially knowing my background. Thanks a lot.

You shut down in front of me. Didn't come after me. Didn't hug me and tell me everything is alright. And you didn't let me see anything. You deleted everything instead of showing me. You hid something from me. I'm not stupid but you kept making me feel stupid and I wanted to ignore everything and accept what you said but if you think about it.... Why would she call you just because you had that sickness before. You're not a doctor. And why would she call you several times. I know you wanted to protect all the women you dated. But I wouldn't care about them if you showed me you cared about me more. You protected them. You hid things from me. When I asked you again why you didn't add me on fb, do you remember what you said? You said, why do I need to add you on fb. In an irritated voice. I got scared and embarrassed. So I shut up and didn't insist on it. But I've always wanted to tell you. I can take care of myself. If anybody tries to bully me I have you. If you can't save me from your exes I have me. And if they try to ruin my reputation so what it's not the truth because the truth was that you and I were dating and you were no longer with them. So tell me, what was I supposed to be afraid of? Could you not have protected me? Why were you so adamant about keeping me out of your fb if it was just something you used. Why did you hide things from me. Did you not trust me?

I need a strong man to be beside me through thick and thin to prove to me that I'm worth loving no matter how imperfect I am and to help me get through it by offering something more tangible and helpful instead of telling me to handle my emotions more. Making me feel like I'm to blame for everything being ruined because I overthink about the things I can't make sense of because YOU wouldn't give me details when YOU used to be so detailed about everything!

I'd rather have someone be honest with me with the truth instead of hurt me with lies out of kindness. That is not kindness that is something that will eventually cause pain. Nobody's perfect and I understand that, that's why I gave you chances and you gave me chances but time and time again you made me doubt you. And all I could do was blame myself because I knew things could have been better.

Remember when we didn't go out for valentines? I didn't mind until you said you went out to dinner with your ex during valentine's before. I felt less important... then you said you needed to be with hero that day....I understood that but I felt you were defensive because I already knew that and you said it in a way like "dont be unreasonable", I kept quiet because I didn't want to make a big deal out if it but if you really wanted to spend it with me even just a few hours you would have. There are times when you pick hero up late. But that day I wondered why were you acting that way. We were just starting and I wanted to let it go because I didn't want to sound petty and it didn't help when you said you felt guilty and couldnt explain why, as if you were hiding something. If you really wanted too you would have put an effort. But you didn't. And now that time is gone forever.

I didn't want to keep silent because this might help you understand women more. If you think loving and showing a girl effort is just by feeding them, picking them up and saying words of I love you and making love with them, anybody could do that. If our roles were switched I'd be happy to do all that for you knowing it would make life easier for you. I bet thats how you felt too when you picked me up. Like you said that's what I deserved. But effort is more then that. Time is the most important factor for me. And you were willing to give it to me. You were gonna spare two days to be able to see me while juggling your work and life. I appreciated that...

I always came back when you asked me too and that was because I liked, loved, and cared about you. It annoyed me when you could see through me, when you took my seperation fits as jokes and said I just missed you. That was truer than true. I missed you so much and I was going crazy without you and surrounded by the negativity of everything. I started becoming obsessed with you because I had nothing better to do. You were my whole world. But you were becoming busier and I felt like I was neglected. I knew you were busy and you were trying to find time for me amidst your busy schedule. This is where I lack, communication, being honest about what I want to say. Instead of just telling you what I want from you I just become quiet and keep it inside because I dont want to be insufferable and a bother. But I ended up becoming one... I guess it ended up that way in the end. I remember the time we first met, how you accepted me for my messy past and got mad for me. I see things through rose coloured glasses. Everyone is kind, everyone has a reason for what they do. There is a story on how that person became the way they were. I didn't want to accept the grey and dark parts of the world.

I remember you telling me not to meet the guy in rockwell, I remember we watched the joker and we ate at the burger place, I remember watching in festival cell number 7 filipino version and we walked a lot, I remember going to your roof top and how beautiful and peaceful it was. I remember staying at your place and eating out at different places. I remember the first time we took edsa going to your place and how there were so many busses and I thought to myself, if we could get to your place faster by using this route so I could spend more time hugging you I don't mind taking this route all the time, I remember eating at that vintage burger place. I remember the wings and burger and raspberry juice. I remember that other burger wings place with a huge garage and how a truck passed by and you introduced me as your girlfriend, I was surprised coz you didn't ask me yet but it made me happy but also confused, was this how relationships worked? I remember walking by the river near your place and how I wanted to walk more but I was so tired and I wanted to go to the place you wanted to show me but fatigue got to me. I remember when we were at cloud 9 and I pretended to be not scared of how high up we were while on the bridge and you were acting cute behind me and I just wanted to bite and pinch you. And also punch you because I was getting more scared coz you kept making kulit. I remember how fun it was going home.

I also remember how the next time we rode the motorbike together you were a bit cold. You didn't like me hugging you and said you were having a hard time but usually you would laugh and say you liked it. Also you said you didn't like it when I was putting your shirt up and I thought you did because when we were going from cloud 9 you were laughing it off.

I remember how you got so red when you drank and fell asleep. I remember there was the one time where we did it and it was the most ecstacy I've ever felt, but when I found out the sad things, like how you were still talking to your ex and how you felt like you were distancing yourself from me, making love and loving you started to hurt.

I remember how you changed to letting me bite you when I told you that you got mad when I bit you. I remember taking lots of pictures of us together and of you when we went to the national museum and how paranoid i was about COVID19. I liked seeing you so serious looking around and hiding from you every now and then. One of my fave memories was when we went to celebrate my bday and how much fun it was to watch you sing for me. How we both could just let loose in each other's company. I remember eating at an open ventilated space in Makati with beautiful lighting and how you couldn't eat properly becasue you were having a stomach ache. I remember the time we were in jolibee and you told me about your mom and what she went through and the reason why you came back and how weak she became and how you teared up. You were beautiful.

I'm sorry I let my overthinking cloud the beautiful memories we made. I'm sorry I couldn't show you how much I loved you. I'm sorry I was mean and hurtful to you. I'm sorry that I wasnt enough. I'm sorry for being toxic. I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted to be loved. I hope you find someone who can love you the way I know you deserve to be loved. We're both too hurt to mend things. Sometimes something broken can't be put together and it's best to carry the broken pieces, glue it together with someone else to create something even better and unique. This is the closure I can offer. I know you've chosen a better path and i can only hope we both find the happiness we deserve. I can't help but blame myself because I know I pushed you to the limit. You got tired of trying because you thought that I was mean and confusing. Because I was toxic and I knew that, that's why I chose this path.

I wanted to let you know how I felt not for you but for my peace of mind.

#bittersweetmemories #loveletter #painfulmemories #youth #confused #distraught #sadness #ending&partings #THEEND

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