#cw cptsd

[lunarw0rks]

as a cptsd warrior with similar trauma to ghost (massive L for me) I think he bleaches his hair just to.... see something different, to not have the hair he had when we was tortured, some resemblance of control. Like THATS not me THIS is. ik the creators said they wanted to make him 'different' in that way, like a little quirk of him bleaching his hair, but i can imagine his mood switching instantly if he sees his roots growing back in. idk. ppl with cptsd TWEAK over anything they cant control when it comes to their body

i never thought of it that way, but that's an interesting layer to his behavior!

it makes sense as a trauma response; something that seems trivial to those without cptsd, but is a trigger for him — and instantly reminds him of the horrible things in the past... and builds onto his "ghost" persona, how the mask is something so personal to him. when he's ghost he's not entirely simon, and vice versa.

also, i hope you're doing okay, anon. <3

#cw cptsd #rachel speaks #not writing #simon ghost riley #simon riley #ghost mwii #ghost mw2 #mw2 #call of duty #task force 141

[a-little-revolution]

cw // surgery, cptsd, mental health

It's day 9/14 of my social isolation in preparation for leg surgery - I'm having the hardware (metal posts and screws from my leg straightening procedures) removed, since after ten years of having them in my body is slowly rejecting them.

I'll be out of commission for a while as I heal up, and this particular surgery (my 13th to date?) will be a lot on me mentally. My legs are at the core of my medical cptsd, so this last little while has been rough and the coming days will be even rougher. Wish me luck!

And a big Happy New Year to all my lovely followers :) I hope you've all been well this holiday season :)

-Elliot

p.s. as leg straightening procedures are common amongst the LP community, I will be accepting questions on the subject, provided they are on the basis of education and coming from a place of care

#psa #personal update #dwarfism blog #tw surgery #cw surgery #cw mental health #cw cptsd #tw cptsd

[virgo-dream]

It fucks me up when people are like “you gotta want to get better” or “you gotta want to be happy” and like I get it I really do, sadness becomes this really weird comfort zone but like , I do want to be happy. No one knows more than me how much I do fucking want to be happy. I hate feeling this sadness and pain constantly, I hate having all this pressure on me and being pushed over the edge and having my creativity and joy and spark squeezed out of me by C-PTSD because the world is littered with triggers and I’m just trying to slip past them. I hate it.

Maybe the problem is that I hate it more than I want to be happy, and anger is quicker to reach for when we’re in pain than forgiveness. I don’t know. I just want to be happy. Someone fucking help me instead of telling me to want it. I fucking want it.

#virgo dream rants #cw CPTSD

[elixirvitae]

Hello! Another day, another ask (I am going through my mini list)... Its about a (popular?) headcanon that Alucard suffers from complex PTSD.. Any thoughts on that, any manga scenes that come to mind? And how would that diagnosis affect his daily life/relationships?

TL:DR PTSD and Alucard

Thank you!

First off I don't think a diagnosis from anyone would change anything about how Alucard behaves or wants to be perceived. I don't think he is particularly fond of the idea of a forty-something year old human using a book written by humans to categorize his particular flavor of mental health that's been stewing for over 500 years.

He understands diagnoses are helpful to humans in aiding other humans in taking care of themselves and healing appropriately, but he seems so far removed from human standards and conditions that I think he would brush off any attempt to categorize how his mind works. That being said, he TOTALLY has C-PTSD. It's very common among military and veterans, let alone CSA survivors, kidnapping survivors, and individuals who have been robbed of their entire livelihood. Not to mention effective slavery for 100 years. I don't think the DSM could come close to pinning everything dysfunctional about his life. We don't have terms that encompass his mental state and I doubt we ever will because we can never account for such a long, shitty life.

With THAT being said, he ALSO has over 500 years of having learned to cope with his mental state, and experience is priceless. No human will ever know him as well as he knows himself, and it doesn't help that he doesn't really talk about his personal life.

I do think he would benefit from the right person with the right empathetic approach helping him learn new, more effective ways to grow and change as a result from his life experiences in a healthy manner, but I don't think they would succeed coming from a clinical standpoint. He values experience more than institutional education.

#thanks for the ask! #alucard hc #my hellsing oc was made to empathize with him and help him connect with his feelings without judgement #cw mental illness #cw cptsd #cw csa

[touyaspeach]

I saw someone talking about the fear of being seen and having that as a trauma response. And like, it just hit really hard for me bc I've felt that so very intensely for so long even though I am safe now and my past abusers can't get to me. It's wild to think that I'm a private person and that I isolate because I'm terrified that somehow it'll incur more abuse somehow if I don't.

With CPTSD I've been trying a lot to figure out who I am outside of that. Who I am when it's not related to trauma or survival, and maybe I need to breach my comfort zone and let myself be seen to do it.

It's scary tho but fuck it we ball

#sweet talkin #tw abuse #tw trauma #cw cptsd #lamentin

[1clickdownloader]

Once more the little girl is awoken with a violent jolt.

Seven rises from her bed with a gasp, her hands coming up to grasp at her throat with shaky, wheezy breaths. Her wings were folded inward as if to protect herself.

The nightmares have been getting more intricate recently... Before, they were just dull, blurry remembrances of what had occurred before.. She couldnt remember a lot of it, just the pain. She probably will never forget it.

But no, there was something new.... something she knew wasnt part of that tragedy.

"....D....daaaaaddd...?"

Shes going to need to sleep in his bed again...

#cw cptsd #seven #cw ptsd

[all-my-friends-were-glorious]

Medical History Headcanons - Tammy

MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS

CPTSD - Tammy faced not only the trauma of being forced to carry a child to term at fifteen, but also the harassment of the girls in town over it. For the most part she avoids her triggers as best she can, but she snowballs quickly with too much gossip. 

Clinical Depression - Due to what happened to her so young, she ended up being more or less housebound, and had to drop out of school. As much as she loves her son, he is quite literally why she gets out of bed every day. If she didn’t have him, she doesn’t think she would still be alive.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder - Tammy gets anxious over meeting new people as much as she does seeing people she knew. There are days where her and Mason stay inside all day because she can’t face anyone. It was one thing to have a slutty reputation, but for it to be fully confirmed really messed her up.

PHYSICAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS

Syphilis - While it has been treated successfully, it wasn’t without its complications. The antibiotics did manage to save her life, and she is thankful that she caught it after her son was born. 

Stable Angina - Due to the Syphilis, she has occasional chest pain due to reduced blood flow to the heart muscles. It is not life-threatening, and she does take medication for it.

Seizures - This is another complication of the Syphilis, and one that has been a problem much more rarely. While she doesn’t know the trigger for them, she avoids flashing lights and the like to try and help prevent them. Medication has also been something that helps her. She is terrified of what might happen if her son saw her having one, which doesn’t really help.

Nerve and Joint Damage - Sometimes she cannot hold things properly because of the pins and needles feelings in her hands, or the shooting pain. Her arms, legs, feet, and hands are the biggest places she feels this, and sometimes it makes it hard for her to function. Mason is a big help to her, even if she doesn’t like to rely on him.

#Oh My Heart Just Burst Like A Glass Balloon (Tammy Headcanons) #cw mental health #cw cptsd #cw ptsd #cw anxiety #cw depression #cw std #cw sti #cw sexually transmitted disease #cw medication #cw seizures #cw chronic illness

[rambrosius]

I have to see my mom this week and so many uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and memories are coming up about my trauma that I don't know how to process or express—it feels like my brain is being so invasive with it too. I can't get through more than an hour without something coming to mind and because I can't express it I turn back towards my avoidance mechanisms 🫠

#rambrosius rambles #cw vent #cw trauma #cw cptsd #cptsd vent #actually cptsd

[hiperacid2]

cptsd memory is so quirky bc sometimes you think i havent done anything with my life until something small gives you a year long flashback of a big project you were a big part of but since it was escapism your brain is like 'we're not going to talk about it. ever.'

#trophe.talks❣ #cw cptsd

[explodingsaturn]

maybe i should just stop talking. i want all of my secrets back.

#cw #tw #tw selfhate #tw self destructive thoughts #self h@te #self h@rm #ed bllog #actually ptsd #actually cptsd #actually traumatized #actually mentally ill #trauma #trauma vent #tw abuse

[virgo-dream]

I’m losing it!!! It’s 3 am!!! I have period cramps!!!! I am deeply dissatisfied with existence!!! I’m hungry and thirsty!!!! the smell of blood makes me queasy!!!! I want to be loved but see myself as fundamentally unlovable!!!

#to be deleted tomorrow #idk I might find it funny when I wake up lol #cw cptsd #just in case this makes anyone uncomfortable

[lostmf]

#sadnees #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #i'm sad #tw depressing stuff #depressing life #childhood trauma #quotes #poetic #childhood #childhood ptsd #childhood truama #child abuse #inner child #abuse cw #tw selfhate #wound tw #tw: sucidal thoughts #tw ptsd #tw abuse #truamacore #generational truama #tw truama #i am in pain #ptsd vent #living with ptsd #tw cptsd #living with cptsd #im hurtin #abandoned

[alpaca-clouds]

Astarion, Trauma, Depression & Healing

I just cannot stop thinking about this topic, so I am going to talk about it. Mind you, technically I could extend this topic to some of the other characters as well - maybe I will - but for now let me talk about our favorite vampire spawn.

The game does make an effort to give every character at least a somewhat happy or at least bittersweet ending. (With the exception of Karlach, really. Yeah, I am still bitter about it.) But of course the general way it goes about the character plotlines is that they basically remove one issue and then end.

And for me there is the question: What would realistically happen after the ending?

So, let me talk a bit about psychology.

This is for the vampire spawn ending.

Spoilers for all acts.

CW: Abuse, trauma, depression

Astarion is traumatized.

"No shit!" I hear you say.

But yes, he is traumatized. To be exact he has CPTSD. Complex trauma. The difference between this and normal trauma is, that it develops over a long time. Specifically when it is not one or even just a few traumatizing experiences, but it is a lasting traumatizing situation. And in the case of our dear vampire spawn it is a traumatizing situation that lasted for almost two centuries!

Being unable to escape a traumatizing situation means that people in those situations build coping mechanisms as a method of survival. And I would argue that Astarion's entire asshole snarky personality mostly is a coping mechanism.

There are a several aspects of the situation with Cazador, that were traumatizing.

Several people have already talked about how basically Cazador has subjected his spawn to basically every single kind of abuse. We know there was physical abuse (for fuck's sake, they were tortured on a regular basis), there was sexual abuse (they were forced into prostitution and there is some dialogue that say that Cazador also raped them), there was emotional and psychological abuse (just look how Cazador talks to Astarion - and how he played the spawn against each other), and there was also a general sense of neglect.

But there is also the fact that Cazador forced them to do bad things. Be it to catch those victims (who the spawn thought would die) and there is also a bit of evidence that he probably forced them to otherwise kill - maybe people who were in the way of his politics. After all he also was quite active within the politics of the city. We also know from some dialogue that Cazador used his absolute control over the spawn at times to force them to torture themselves or each other.

One big aspect of people in abusive relationships (be it romantic relationships - or familiar relationships) is that the abuser will try to take away any possible support. I do assume that him playing the spawn against each other and making them torture each other is partly meant to destroy trust between them.

And of course, they just could not get help from the outside. Partly because of his rules and command. And partly, too, because I assume any attempt to get help would end the potential helper's life.

We also know from Astarion's dialogue, as well as the narrator text in the Astarion origin that Astarion gave in fairly quickly and tried to just do what Cazador wanted him to do. But we also know that it basically made no difference because Cazador would find some faults he could punish Astarion for.

So, all in all Astarion spend about 200 years in constant survival mode.

Here is the thing: For someone who has spend two centuries in those condition he appears surprisingly... functioning. Sure, he is a snarky bastard. And yeah, he also cannot fathom you helping him without him paying you in sex. But he... well, he is not a pile of misery sitting in a corner.

There might well be a reason for this, though: He is still in survival mode (because of the entire tadpole and world ending thing), and he also has a concrete goal (kill Cazador). The big question is how he is gonna relate and work through the trauma after the end of the game, when both the life-or-death situation ended and Cazador is dead.

Because, look. Our boy is going to need to work through all of that trauma. There is no way around it. He needs to work through it and it is gonna be painful.

A lot of people with CPTSD do develop a depression - and I doubt that this precious vampire spawn is going to be any different. Heck, I am going to go so far and say that we do see him being depressed quite a bit even in the game, even as he tries to hide it.

We know from the game he has nightmares of Cazador. Nightmares that kinda mix memories with fears. And those are probably just going to be a fact of his life for a few years. So, sleep is going to be hard at times - and so is going to be other stuff.

There will be stuff that triggers him. In my stuff I write him as easily being triggered by sexual stuff - because there is so much trauma related to it - as well as getting triggered when he is reminded of his scars. But he is also quite good at triggering himself by falling down memory holes.

Given that when you play the Astarion origin we have at least two scenes (probably more, but so far I encountered it two times) where he halucinates Cazador being there and watching him, I would assume that this is also going to stay within his life. Him seeing or hearing Cazador, because it is just so engrained in his memory through trauma.

One big thing I see him struggling with most is, that everything he is right now is what Cazador made him. For better or worse, all his learned behaviors are because of Cazador. And Cazador of course wanted to shape him. If Astarion ends up with Tav (or one of the origin characters), I can also very much see that this is gonna be a big issue for him. Because Astarion needs to change to heal. He cannot let himself be defined by Cazador. But if Tav tries to help this along, Astarion might just think that Tav is just another person who tries to mold him into someone else. (And yes, this is a point of conflict that I bring into Voice of the Voiceless.)

Another issue I could see arise is avoidance behavior. Basically... Here is the thing, trauma will never quite go away - but it can get better, if you work through it. But working through trauma is very, very painful, which is why a lot of traumatized folks instead try to avoid this. Becaue while it leads to betterment on the long run it is more painful for the moment than just trying to forget about it and distract yourself.

And given just the amount of trauma, I can see that easily happening here.

There is another big thing, too, though. Some people have already pointed it out before, but... If romanced it is fairly clear that Astarion is very, very emotionally dependent on Tav. Which absolutely makes a lot of sense, given that from his perspective Tav is (probably) the first ever person in a long, long time, who is actually nice to him and helps him. But you have to see that this, in the end, also is a type of avoidance behavior. Tav is safe, so he just sticks to Tav like a shadow, basically.

It seems to me from the game that Astarion is one of the characters in camp, who very much stick to themselves. Like, you can gleam from dialgoues (even though I still gotta say, I wanted more scenes of the characters doing stuff together at camp) that Wyll and Karlach do hang out at camp. And that Halsin and Gale over time do also kinda take care of everyone. But Astarion mostly tries to stick to himself, not really making connections to anyone.

And I think that also is in a way part of avoidance behavior. Friends means opening himself up, which means having a weakness, which then brings fear of it being exploited. So... yeah, sticking to Tav and Tav alone is so much safer.

But, here, too I think it is something that he, if he wants to heal, needs to learn to overcome. To put it differently: This man needs some friends. He needs people in his life besides Tav. But to get him there might be hard.

I mean, let's be frank. This man needs therapy. He needs therapy so badly. But... I somehow doubt that there are therapists in Faerûn.

So, yeah... He needs to figure it somewhat out on his own, which is only gonna make this harder.

tl;dr

This man is a mess. And even if everything goes well, he is gonna be a mess for at least a few years. Because you just do not get over 200 years of trauma upon trauma, without being a mess somewhere in between.

#baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion x tav #astarion needs a hug #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #cw abuse #cw depression #media analysis

[1clickdownloader]

The chick awoke from her slumber in a sharp state of panic, her hand clutching to her chest and gripping it with sharp breaths. She couldnt register what she had even seen, what had sprung her into this state of alarm- But she could feel that burning, aching wripping feeling deep in her wings. It burns deep, the familiar bubbling of flesh that wasnt actually occurring... but she felt it all the same... all too familiar.

Her red eye flickered to a bright blue, bright and agonized as a bluescreen shocks her system

#cw ptsd #cw cptsd

[reimeichan]

I've been slowly learning to reclaim things that I love for myself. So many of my hobbies and passions are tainted by history: piano was forced upon me as a child and was a huge source of trauma by itself, dance was fun until my teacher started shit talking me about my weight, even photography sucks because it's something my parents enjoyed and god forbid I turn out anything like them.

But I'm teaching myself to decouple the past from these activities. I acknowledge the trauma associated with piano, and also that I miss playing pieces I enjoy. I allow myself time to hammer around when I can and to take breaks as long as I need to, to make the music making enjoyable in a way it never was for me as a child. I learn new dances from youtube, and giggle when I get the moves right. I still can't record myself, but I'm re-learning that my body shape has nothing to do with my ability. And while I still don't take a lot of pictures, the people around me do and I'm starting to associate picture taking with them instead of my parents. I guess this, too, is a part of healing.

#mental health #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #ask to tag #cw body image #since it was mentioned figured I should tag it #by purple #by gray

[rambrosius]

This is the last thing I promise. I would make one whole post but these topics are very loosely related, it's mostly me keeping a "diary" of sorts— its my blog and I'm allowed to be annoying

I applied for some jobs today and for the first time acknowledged in paperwork that my chronic depression, anxiety, ED, scoliosis, and other known/unknown issues do qualify me as being considered disabled and it felt so awkward to fill in that little check mark because I have never felt I deserved to use the label. I should have done this last year before having to miss work due to a severe panic attack that landed me in the ER. But, I need to be real and acknowledge that it is disability. It's invisible most of the time but does inhibit my abilities to function as a "normal member of society" every single day. Just because I can manage my symptoms most of the time, doesn't mean I'm in good shape.

Also, I am hesitant to say it, since I know first hand how fickle the diagnosis process is as well as how controversial this is, but I am also going to self-dx, in social spaces (e.g. NOT in paperwork and most certainly not to take advantage of resources that are created for this purpose) with cptsd and inattentive adhd (add). These are topics I have been mulling over for a few years and have had two separate therapists, working independently from independent companies, years apart, suggest that I may have one or both. Every time I do any reading on them, or read posts from support groups, or anything really, everything does speak to me, my cognition, emotions, and behavior. I am aware that it doesn't hold a candle to proper evaluation and diagnosis, and I recognize that there are real intrinsic and extrinsic impacts of self-dx, but this is purely to give myself permission to be kind to myself and find ways to accommodate to what I can and cannot do, and maybe one day I will have the confidence and funds to get properly evaluated.

#rambrosius rambles #cw mental health #cw depression #cw anxiety #cw arfid #cw cptsd #adhd #cw panic attack #cw hospital #scoliosis