Rather be in jail than alone
SZA - Kill Bill
Usually, I put somethin' on TV
So we never think about you and me
Glass Animals - Heat Waves
25.01.2023
well, it has been a long time. i am not gonna say i took a break cause firstly that would make it seem like i did this long pause on purpose, which i did not, and secondly, i barely did anything on this blog yet to get a break. i just stopped caring about it for a few months and lost the passion i had after a few posts. it is one of my many flaws, i get bored of things, hobbies and media and people, very easily. i think i start too passionate, get too excited, too into it. then after the honeymoon phase since i am not in that intense state of mind, i just drop it. i can't do things unless if i am forced by something else; an emotion-highness, deadlines, or my family. it is another of my many flaws, this one brought by depression. maybe the other one is too, i did not psychoanalyze it enough yet.
another very important reason is that simply i have just been very busy. college has been an entirely different experience from high school in almost every aspect. i am now a lot more social which is great! but i also have a lot more responsibilities, lots of lectures, quizzes, midterms, finals, homework, lab reports, meetings, the translation job at the journal, social gatherings and many other things that always existed. i did not have the time to sleep on most days, so writing here was not even a dream cause i could not fucking sleep. i am back however because i am on my semester break, i want to be active and consistent this time. i hope i can be successful, i don't have much hope about it nevertheless. i want to tell about everything that happened but my memory nor my writing is good enough to go through months of life so i will just give background on stuff if there is any need.
i like someone.
i know it is a big jump from the two paragraphs of rambling but i like someone and that is all i can think about these days. their soft and long hair, their glass skin, their stupid jokes, their laugh, and the way they walk like they are carrying all the good things in the world with them. some people remind me of angels; the way they are is like something holy and pure in the sense that they are good, in their core, not that they are untouched. usually, it is my niece but he reminds me of an angel too. i have never had that experience with a real live person, let alone a MAN. but then he came along. i did not know that it is possible to just look at a person and feel at peace but here we are. all the poems i read remind me of him which is both endearing and terrifying. i do not wanna get attached to a person that i barely count as a friend, more of an acquaintance. i do not wanna make them a person they are not in my head. i do not wanna get rejected if i ever try to make a move. but i also want deeply to be loved, for us to be together, to have the courage to make a move and get a positive reaction, to be good enough for someone, to be worthy of someone's attention and attraction. i do not know if it is possible however like i said before i do not know how to be something loveable.
i am aware that he is not perfect either. he is not the perfect guy nor the ideal. but he is good. something i have never managed to become. i have gained weight so i look uglier and more disgusting than usual, i am not a positive person, nor fun or humorous. i am not as knowledged as he is nor i have a talent. why would anyone want me? at least i can see appreciate him from afar thanks to our friend group, at least i get to hear his dumb jokes and occasionally talk to him even. it should be enough, it has to be.
this much self-deprecation is enough for one post so i am gonna end it here, see you later; whoever you are. am i even doing this for someone else?
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"You've saved me as what?" Satoru repeats for what must have been the fifth time.
You sigh, speaking again, slowly. "Cotton Swab. I saved you as Cotton Swab"
Satoru gapes at you, mouth opening and closing without a single word coming out. In the end, he pouts and look away.
You frown. "Hey, come on. Don't be like that," You walk around him so you're directly in his line of view, his pink lips sticking out as he crosses his arms. You show him your phone, where his contact really is saved as 'Cotton Swab'. "It's a term of endearment. An affectionate nickname. I mean, would you rather just be saved as Satoru? How boring is that?"
Satoru glances at your screen once, then looks away, clearly unimpressed. "You didn't even give me an emoji."
"Alright, alright" you say, going ahead to edit his contact name. "I'll add some emojis. Which ones do you want?"
Before you could blink, satoru had taken your phone. He gives it back to you a few seconds later, leaving you chuckling at the long list of emojis he had put after his name. His name, you just realised, he changed to 'bf'.
You look up at him with a grin. "You gonna explain that?"
"Nope" he says back with a matching grin.
He didn't explain that you two were now matching, because he had long since had you saved as 'gf' with a whole bunch of emojis after too.
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invisible scars (referenced previous talk here)
[ID: A colourless, digital Trigun comic of Vash and Wolfwood talking about Wolfwood's scars. They're both laying in bed and topless. Vash lays on top of Wolfwood, playing with the rosary around his neck. Then, Vash kisses a spot on Wolfwood's chest. Wolfwood asks, "What are you doing?" Vash smiles sadly, "You got shot here. In the last town we visited. You didn't even bother moving."
Vash props himself up over Wolfwood, who frowns slightly. Wolfwood is quiet for a moment before he says, "You remember that, huh?" Vash grabs Wolfwood's left wrist and brings it to his face. "And here." He kisses another spot there. "When you helped free the hostages from that robber..." Wolfwood dismissively says, looking away, "Was a lucky shot." Vash huffs, “Don’t brag. Jeez.”
Half of Wolfwood's expression is shown, eyes returning to Vash who is now sitting up, continuing to say, "And..." Vash goes on and kiss Wolfwood's right palm. "You got cut here, even though that girl was aiming at me." A moment from the past flashes, of Wolfwood grabbing a knife aimed at Vash, his hand bleeding.
At present, Vash moves down and puts another kiss on Wolfwood's right shoulder. "And here, from watching my back." Another memory flashes of Wolfwood and Vash back to back. Vash looks back as Wolfwood grins while holding Punisher, bleeding from multiple gunshots in his shoulder.
"And," Vash combs up Wolfwood's hair to reveal his forehead, "Here." A final memory shows Wolfwood with a regeneration vial in his mouth while getting shot on his temple. The next panel is framed in blood with Vash at the center, eyes wide and stunned in horror. The next panel is a closed up shot of Wolfwood's eye, locked on Vash's face.
Back to present, Vash’s head is bowed down as Wolfwood raises a hand to his nape and says, “Spikey.”
Wolfwood looks serious and frowns as he says, "We talked about this. Those were my decisions. They're not there anymore. Forget about them." Vash looks very sad before he smiles ruefully and says, "I still see them. All the time." He leans down so they touch foreheads. Wolfwood’s sorrowful expression can be seen as Vash says, "You protect so much. I could never forget what you've done to me. And many others..."
In the last image, they're drawn more cartoonishly. Wolfwood sweats and asks, "You don't actually remember every wound, right?" Vash points at a spot on his chest. "Kuroneko left a scratch here 7 times." Wolfwood, startled, says, "Why the hell are you keeping count—" End ID]
Credits for ID here and here
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