#do i tag....super names.......i always get kinda self conscious when tagging lots of things LOL

[sufroyo]

wanted to play around with poses a bit＼ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ／

#froyoscribbles #dc #young justice #dick grayson #conner kent #artemis crock #kaldur'ahm #m'gann m'orzz #wally west #do i tag....super names.......i always get kinda self conscious when tagging lots of things LOL

[lazychickensoup]

okay here’s a second try at angst so ya, not really ship but tsukkiyama moment (idfk reblog pls I’m desperate for attention.) (kinda a kinnie moment lol)

Tadashi. poor boy, his anxiety is gonna be the death of him. he first started developing it in his fourth year of primary school. He didn’t really say anything about it to anyone because when he brought it up to his dad he told him that “everyone goes through it” like it was just puberty or something and was also told to “man up”. So he kinda went through his primary years a complete mess. The worst thing about it was his insecurities always got the better of him. To the point where he would get so self-conscious in class that he would ask to go to the bathroom to get through his anxiety attacks. It was so bad one time the school had to call his mom because he was staying with her that week and she had to come to pick him up. (yes he has divorced parents fight me) when she asked him why he never said anything about how he was feeling he told her everything that his dad said and that pissed. her. off. After an hour of her screaming into a phone to a certain someone, she sat down with him and tried to confront him. She told him that he could go see a doctor about it if he wanted to. And that’s what they did. He got diagnosed with severe anxiety and was prescribed medications. This helped him with the anxiety attacks a lot but not so much insecurities. But that just goes along with growing up. At first, he didn’t see much wrong with his face he may have had uneven eyes and a weird smile but he liked his face. What he really didn’t like was his body. In primary school he was super skinny, he ate and worked out as much as he could to build up muscle but it was really a loss for him. When he started getting bullied for his freckles that was what really dragged him down. He started covering them up with concealer in his fifth year. Everything was fine and people kinda forgot till one of the girls pointed out that he was wearing “makeup”. Boy oh, fucking boy. That what you want everyone to hear as a primary school boy right? Honestly, the girl could care less and thought that it was kinda cute that he was good with make-up even if it was to cover up his beautiful specks. The boys on the other hand...literally overflowing with that toxic masculinity. That’s when the bullying began. He’d get teased, and get called feminine names which made him very uncomfortable. But it got worse when it started to get physical. After school, the same group of guys would wait outside of school just to follow him home to tease him and push him around. This went on all the way till his last year at primary school. It never really stopped but it definitely settled down once Tuskishima came into his life. Meeting him at the volleyball club the day after he made those bullies run away was the best thing that could have happened to him. Tadashi looked up to Tsuki a lot during his younger years, and although it isn’t the best way of doing it he learned to defend himself more with bullying (yes he’s a fucking bully too he’s just not as bad as Tsuki fight me pt2). Anyway, he still had it rough through his middle school year but for the most part, he was fine. He was winning his battles against anxiety and insecurity, especially since starting volleyball he’s built up muscle, and he’s grown to love his freckles a little more. Then again it came down like a hammer on him. His first year in high school, it was a class that he didn’t know anyone in so he kinda just kept to himself. Some guys came over and started talking to him and he thought they were really nice. They were all getting along until this girl came along and introduced herself to him. She was acting super flirty and he didn’t know why. One of the guys grabbed the girl by the waist pulling her against their chest. He looked pissed. He started yelling at Tadashi for flirting with his girlfriend and threatened to hurt him. Tadashi panicked and tried to explain that she came onto him which only made the situation worse. The guy just started spewing insults at him, talking about how no one would ever date him because of this and that. What hit Yamaguchi hard though was “and don’t get me over your

pepperoni face. Come on it looks like you took a brown crayon and went to town on your face.” Everyone around him started laughing along and agreeing. Their mocking laughter only got louder and louder to him, his breath started staggering and his eyes clouded with tears. He pushed them out of the way and ran to the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror letting the sobs escape, he turns on the water and wets his hands. He starts violently rubbing his face then wetting his hands more, and repeating the process. He didn’t realize it himself but he started scratching at his face, turning it red and leaving marks. The door opened to the bathroom but Tadashi didn’t hear. It was Tsukki luckily. “Hey Tadashi I went into your class and they said you would be in here what going on-�� his word stopped as he saw his best friend torturing himself. He walked over and grabbed his hands hardly making Tadashi face him. “What are you doing?” he questioned? Tadashi couldn’t manage to get out any words before he collapsed into Tsukki’s arms. Tsukki drags him over to a wall where he sits down. Tadashi laid in between his legs sobbing against his chest. He started running his fingers up and down Tadashi’s spine, in a couple of minutes he had calmed him down until his sobs turned into sniffles and his breathing began to go back to normal. “M’ sorry Tsukki. I didn’t mean to just collapse on you like that.” Tadshi sits up walking back over to the mirror to fix himself back up. “What happened Tadashi.” Tsukki asks getting up as well and dusting himself off. “Nothing it was just a panic attack. I haven't had one in a while so it was overwhelming.” Tsukki grabs Tadashi’s shoulder and starts to massage them gently. “Don’t lie, you suck at it. Plus, I told you to text me when that stuff happens. You usually get more embarrassing than before and do something stupid. So I’ll ask again, what happened.” Tadashi sighs gripping the sides of the sink. “Just some stupid assholes. Threatened to beat me up if I kept talking to their girlfriend even though she came on to me. Said something about my freckles. I don’t know. I’m over it, I had my episode I’m fine now.” “Tadashi, they are just idiots. You know that, I don’t know why you got so worked up about it. Your freckles look fine.” Tadashi froze and looked up at him. That's all? It’s just fine? So it just shouldn’t have any effect on him at all? Does he even remember all of the time he would vent to him about stuff like this? The offense he took from this was unreal. “Of course you would say that. Have you ever actually been bullied or were you always the one bullying? You have no idea what goes on in my head so you have no room to talk about how I deal with my problems Tsukishima. Honestly, you're such a pain in the ass sometimes, just acting all nonchalant. Whatever. See you at practice.” He grabs the paper towels out of the dispenser and walks out of the bathroom. That day at practice the tension between the two did not go unnoticed.

tags: @hangesextra @tetsurou-sgirl

#tadashi #tadashi yamaguchi #yamaguchi tadashi #yamaguchi #yamaguchi angst #tsukishima kei #kei tsukishima #tsukki #tsukkishima kei #tsukkiyama #tsukki angst #tsukiyama angst #haikyuu blurb #hq imagines #haikyuu drabble #haikyuu angst #hq angst #hq

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #461

“this city looks so pretty, do you wanna burn it with me?”

Have you ever wanted a Nikon camera? Or do you have one already? My camera before the one I have now was a Nikon D3200. I use a Canon now. Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? A friend. Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I have it, but I barely use it nowadays. I use it to edit photos for character profiles or profile pictures, add a watermark for my actual photography, and I used to make Mark-oriented gifs like crazy. They mostly did really well, so... I might wanna get back into that and get That Sweet Validation. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? No. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? None, I think. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression. Can you tolerate children for a long period of time? NO. Have you ever lived with someone you felt thoroughly uncomfortable around? No. Are you into dubstep? Yeah, I tend to enjoy it. Zelda or The Sims games? Can I pick neither? lol I don't feel very much at all for The Sims, and Zelda games have always looked... boring to me? Like I've watched most of the Game Grumps' playthroughs of all the games, and they make it hilarious of course, but the games themselves? Nah. Are you terrible at assigning bands their proper genre? YES YES YES YES YES YES. Even in my preferred category, that being metal, FUCK if I know the sub-genre. Have you ever made out in a closet? No, that shit sounds claustrophobic as hell. Have you ever been to a laser tag place? Yeah, on a triple-date once! It was SO fun. How do you wanna celebrate your next birthday? Have a couple friends over, pig out at The Cheesecake Factory. o3o Do you tease your parents about them being old? No, especially not Mom. She's self-conscious about getting older. Are you in love with someone? "In love" is a bit too far, buddy. But I love someone. Have you ever ridden a unicycle? No. Have you ever wanted a pet bunny? I was VERY serious about getting a lop-eared bunny for quite a while, but we just couldn't afford to adopt one (even off Craigslist) and get a cage for it, toys, etc. Are the bottom of your feet clean? I HATE seeing the bottom of my feet. Not because they're dirty, but because it's Callus City. I ain't even fuckin jokin'. Do you like really salty food? Yeah. :x When’s the last time you bled a lot? Well, I just recently finished my cycle after not menstruating for three or four MONTHS, so you can figure that one out. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? Yeah. I like to know exactly when it's coming. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes to both. When you’re done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers? Usually kasdjlf;kalsdjf shut up ok I like food. What’s the most racist thing you have ever said? As a little kid, when my really good friend (a neighborhood kid, even) asked if he thought we'd be a good couple, I told him no because "blacks and whites don't date" or something like that. It was an idea I'd never been exposed to before; the idea was so foreign to little kid me. I had no idea I was being racist. It ended in a small fight and we didn't talk for a few days 'til he came to my house telling Mom that he had to "be a man" and fix this and if that ain't the cUTEST SHIT RIGHT THERE. We were friends again after that. He's still on my Facebook, and he actually semi-recently got married! :') Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? No. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? No. Does weed smell good? Or no? Ugh, no. Where do you see your closest friend in ten years? Successful and happy she kept pushing. Mama to so many reptiles that are blessed with the best lives possible in human care. Got at least one amazing book out there. If she's reading this, you've fucking got this. <3 Would you like to have twins? Mother of fucking god, no. Even if I WANTED kids, do fucking not give me twins. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? My mom. Want to have kids before you’re 30? Once again, I don't want kids, but IF I did, that'd be preferable before the risk of birth defects and other issues climb with age. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My older sister has my initial. Do you think somebody’s in love with you? No. Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in ten years? Yes, I genuinely do. Who were the last people to hang out at your house? Miss Tobey, our friend and landlord. Does anyone like you? Welp... I hope he still does. Guess we'll figure that out soon. What person on your Facebook do you talk to the most? VIA Facebook? Probably my friend Lyndsey. She likes to comment on stuff I share. Do you want to fall in love? I do, but I'm also utterly horrified to and risk being hurt again. Are you interested in more than one person at the moment? No. Once I realized I was so deeply into Girt, all other romantic feelings kinda just... poofed. How was your last break up? Civil and done with both of our best interests in mind. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say? Probably the first time I admitted I needed to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was so, so scared of what it was going to be like. What is the hardest thing you NEEDED to hear? That if Jason wasn't happy with me, he had every right to move on. She was right. Do you treat yourself well? No... but I'm trying to change that. What was the last song you sang out loud to? This "Set Fire to the Rain" cover. Do you take good pictures? I think I do? Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? Holy shit, so much, especially when it comes to morality and political stances. I am now a massive supporter and member of the LGBTQ+ community, I'm pro-trans rights, pro-choice... I've done like a dozen 180s in a lot of topics. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? I mean, some doctors, but no one in my truly personal life. Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Yes: my cousin. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? LAKSDJFKLA;JWD NEVER AND I PRAY TO THE HOLY LORD THAT I NEVER DO. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not massively? Like literally everyone gets them and is natural and inevitable. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? I know one alcoholic, and one that's probably borderline. I also have two friends who are extremely addicted to weed. Look me in the eyes and say it's not an addictive substance and I wouldn't believe you one bit. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? Eh, sometimes World of Warcraft. Some days I'm really into it, and others I barely touch it. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have no clue. I don't even remember movies that were made *for* Disney exclusively. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. We have a friend from the dance studio mow the lawn. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? My iPod has a whole live album of Ozzy. Did you or do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Both did and do. Britney is a boss bitch. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? No, but I've seen some of that P!nk music video of the song and it brings out the Gay in me. Do you have a key to anything besides your house? No. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I've done that before. I miss doing puzzles... Have you ever been to any sort of convention? I went to a reptile expo with Sara!! I REALLY want to go to another when my legs are stronger and can handle standing and walking so much. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom. Have you ever tried to walk on a moving vehicle and fallen over? No????? What is your favourite kind of bread? Is there any of that in your house? Pumpernickel. No. Are/were you in the school band, and if so, what instrument did you play? I played the flute all through middle school and I wanna say half of HS. Have you ever ordered an unusual drink at a bar? Never even been to one. Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport? I think once for some reason I don't recall? What is your favourite seasonal candy? (only available at certain times) Gingerbread men, probs. Or chocolate bunnies!!! :') How do you feel right now? My stomach is KILLING me. I'm super excited though that Girt is coming over tomorrow. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. What would you like your generation to change? How we treat nature. Is there anyone that you truly could not live without? No. I learned that is a very unhealthy mentality to have. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I just hate carrots. What restaurant did you last go out to dinner at with friends? With friends? I couldn't even guess. Does your refrigerator have an ice maker or do you use ice cube trays? It has an ice maker. Do you have a favorite sibling, if any? No; I love them all. Do you have a favorite brand of clothing? I STAN CLOAK. How’s the love life? Something new might start tomorrow. I think it will. Do you watch the news? No; that shit is depressing. Who do you admire most? Mark. Do you have a favorite album? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne takes the cake and always will.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''city'' by hollywood undead

[house-of-tykayl]

cystar tho (headcanons)

imagine

cyborg and starfire are the cuddliest couple ever. the PDA is incredible. star will perch on his shoulders like he’s a climbing post/bird perch and generally just drape herself all over him bc he’s got a lot of surface area and she wants comfy. and cy will just grab her out of midair for huggles before letting her float away again like a balloon headed straight for the atmosphere. star will float higher when she wants to look over his shoulder at something (bc hes the only titan taller than her) and sometimes cy will just reach up and touch her waist and lead her around in the air like that while they chat

the other titans support them, but are simultaneously disgusted by the excessive amount of PDA. cy sometimes milks star’s affection to troll everyone, especially at the breakfast table. “hey star i havent had my morning kiss today” “oh apologies” “do that long tongue thingy again babe” “if you two dont let me eat my waffles in peace for just ONE morning i will open a portal to the seventh circle of hell and chuck the both of you inside”

star is living for the unabashed affection bc cyborg has no qualms about being proud boyfriend in public. like he’ll wrap an arm around her and go “hey star’s my girlfriend :)” and the grocery store clerk’s like “we know, that’ll be $15.99″ and star’s just beaming, holding the plastic bags full of snacks and unorthodox food combinations

if cy’s generous with the lovin wait till you see star lmao. “you are looking most beautiful today!” she keeps saying shit literally no one else will say, either (possibly) coz of the robot thing or just coz starfire’s being starfire, and cyborg’s just like *clutches_chest.jpeg* because she a lil weirdo but she makes him feel normal and appreciated and that he’s great the way he is, that he’s desired even if a lot of him isn’t organic anymore. like yes!! my boyfriend is comprised of 80% robotic parts!! he is extremely strong and the “cool”!!! is he not absolutely wonderful???

ok but starfire can almost never get enough touching, and cyborg’s just like aight *picks her up and carries her around on his arm for an hour* and she’ll just be giddy the entire time

more under the cut

star doesnt have a lot of preconceived notions of what a normal human relationship is, outside of things she sees on TV and robin’s incomprehensible push-pulling over the years. so she doesn’t care one bit about the fact that she’s cuddling a robot. she’d figured starting a relationship with anyone on earth would be something different for her regardless– so a lot of the things cyborg used to think a partner would find problems with, end up not happening because man, this alien chick. “may i lay together with you in your bed?” “girl are you saying you wanna sleep while standing up?? on my charging port???? surrounded by 3478012 cables and wires?????” “is there no room? then may i sleep on the floor?” she just wants to be with him

heck more bed shenanigans would involve like, cyborg awkwardly trying to lie down on star’s bed, and it feels weird coz he hasn’t slept in a real bed for years and while it feels nice he’s kinda sinking into the mattress and he’s self-conscious about leaving a dent in the frame?? or like rolling over at night and squashing star which would be awkward coz he’s more than a little heavy?? then star hops in and cuddles close and is all like shhhhhhhhh slep time

silkie is usually very happy about cyborg’s presence in star’s room, if only because he can gnaw on cy’s legs while they sleep. cy begins to think it’s also revenge since there’s a lot less space on the bed with himself in it, and silkie struggles to find room near starfire to sleep at night. they eventually just get a bigger bed. silkie is a lot less stressed– but cyborg still wakes up with chew marks in his legs

if either of them are too tired from a battle that day, the other will carry them to bed. BB laughed his ass off the first time he saw starfire princess carrying cy to his room (star’s perfectly capable of carrying his weight but her arms aren’t necessarily long enough to hold onto him properly, making it a little cumbersome and awkward), but cy just tiredly gives B the finger

cy will talk to star in awkward broken tamaranian and she’ll get all giggly. everyone else assumes it’s cute flirting, but he’s actually whispering dirty, raunchy shit. that she taught him. and she continues to teach him tamaranian, occasionally dropping new words while otherwise speaking english, and waiting for him to ask about what they mean.

cy will sometimes smack star’s ass and then run for his life before she can return the favor, because he always ends up with an overly-enthusiastic handprint-shaped dent in his ass. it’s a terrifying game of tag. BB will chase them chasing each other with a camera to add to his album of “cyborg’s dented ass” photos that he shares with the whole titans network

cy teaches star about the niches in earth/american culture, the kinds of things that are a little harder to learn about on your own, or things she otherwise wouldn’t have had a reason to learn. he tells her about old american tv shows and explains obscure slang words and how to make telemarketers hang up first and what the contra code is and why he mashes it in every time he boots up a new video game. it’s a crash course mix of useless trivia and miscellaneous culture that makes star’s head spin– but she’s excited about learning all the same, the power of just knowing more makes her feel more comfortable on a planet where she is always a foreigner

it’s kinda why star adores all the different nicknames cy has for her like “fly girl” “baby doll” etc because it makes her feel “in” coz she gets all these cool nicks of names like other earth people!! she fits in!!!! and he’ll say it so fondly it makes her blush half the time. cy definitely notices and thinks its super cute at how excited she gets over pet names. she tries to nickname him back at one point but it felt awkward and she struggled to come up with them, and cy reassured her that he liked her saying out his name anyway, its cool. just be yourself babey

cy loves teaching star things in general, he’s patient and she’s always an eager student. he once took a few hours showing her how to play video games and while she didn’t really take to it, she did learn how to not break the controller whenever her virtual car’s about to crash into the divider (she still shrieks when it happens though)

initially, star is a bit nervous about touching some of cyborg’s robot parts like the implants and consoles coz she’s not sure how to deal with them? alien tech is one thing and earth tech is another, and then there’s the advanced shit that made up cyborg’s body and literally keeps him alive. she’s petrified at the thought of accidentally breaking something like what if she presses the button that turns off his lungs???????? and cy is like why the fuck would i have a button to turn off my lungs?? so one day cy just sits her down so she’s leaning back against his chest, and he looks over her shoulder as he shows her how to navigate his arm console. press this button and choose this option, no the screen wont break even if you press hard, dont use the browser to download malware on my arm like BB did, etc. the ui’s pretty intuitive and star gets it pretty quickly, then she gets all excited. cy teaches her about all the maintenance he does on his body and how his charger works and all that shit and she like oooooo

“if the t-car is your baby, does this mean i am its mother? cyborg does she like me enough? should i assist in changing her oil? *panicking* WILL SHE ACCEPT ME AS HER ADOPTED K’NORFKA?!”

(the t-car is a sassy one, easily jealous and protective– but ultimately, she does approve of starfire, if only just barely)

they spend a lot of time in the garage together. whether cy’s fussing with the t-car or putting together a new gadget, star’s a helpful assistant when it comes to welding or heavy lifting. and while she doesn’t necessarily get programming, she still helps cy with all the calculations and math involved in it; the concept of physics as she has encountered on earth is primitive compared to tamaran, and cy will often challenge her to crack a tough equation before his computer can. while the computer usually gets a result first, star will just explain that its answer was wrong in the large scheme of things, before she starts going in depth into that nerdy science shit to find a more effective way to wire whatever project they’re working on and cy’s just like  ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ heart eyes ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ at how smart she is

they fucking love food. while all the titans are hanging out in the common room, star and cy spend an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen. star will literally eat anything, at any time, and cy would go like “yo star want a sub??” and shes like “YES I WOULD LOVE THE EDIBLE SUBMARINES” and they go make the tallest sub ever and then Eat it

they just cook together a lot, one of them being head chef for the hour and the other being the kitchen assistant. cy’s usually in the lead when they’re making food for the other titans (to prevent food poisoning), and star is happy to learn new recipes that aren’t lethal to her friends– that, and licking all the mixing bowls clean. cy purposely gets sauce etc on his face so that star will see and lick it off too. then star will very unsubtly smear food on her face so that cy will wipe it off with his finger and then things get handsy. (they’re both aware it’s a game, but they pretend like they don’t.)

cy gets them matching aprons and a tiny chef hat for star. she asks him why it’s so tiny or even necessary but he just thinks its cute af on her lol

it helps cy’s ego when star will also eat literally anything he puts in front of her while enjoying it unironically. of course, cy quickly learns that starfire’s favorite “earth” foods are things that most people wouldn’t consider food at all, so while he’ll prepare Real Food for himself, he had to start a new custom cookbook for the random combinations of ingredients that starfire likes to ingest. he’s torn between feeling like his chef skills go to waste on her, or being proud at how good he’s become at figuring out the kinds of food combos she likes based on the flavors and consistencies she’s inclined to. but ultimately she’s just so cute and happy when she smiles at the taste of m&ms on raw steak that cyborg’s just like ahh. fine.

cyborg: *sighs while writing* “edamame in a cherry-chocolate reduction: get a handful of fresh edamame, washing is optional, pour hershey’s chocolate sauce all over it, add cherries but don’t remove the pits or the stems, sprinkle in some drops of 7up, then cover that shit in mustard. stick it all in the microwave for 1 minute, doesn’t really matter what temperature? prep time: 3 and a half minutes. the fuck did i just write”

star: *wolfs down that edamame shit like its the best goddamn thing ever*

raven:

meanwhile, while cy can’t stomach star’s tamaranean food, he does go out of his way to learn how to prepare the stuff himself, for whenever star’s sick or feeling down. the nostalgic taste of home tends to help her feel better. the bowls of wustlepus might keep trying to strangle him, but hey, cy can handle it

cy used to think we was master of stuffing his face, but he quickly found out that you do not challenge an alien with 9 stomachs to an eating competition and expect to win. it’s still fun, of course, to pick a restaurant and watch her slowly but surely put away food with a grace that cy doesn’t (care to) have. robin and BB cheer will them on, raven is disgusted but plays referee anyway (even though it’s not like the result ever changes)

“are the table manners required for today’s duel of excessive food consumption?” star will ask cy innocently, but she’d be smiling a lil smugly because she knows she’s gonna win like always

(at some point, the restaurant manager will start eyeing them nervously from the doorway of the staff room, unsure about whether to ask the titans to leave before they run the kitchen dry, or to take advantage of the publicity.)

cy and star are a couple that isn’t inclined to subtle about anything. that means smooching all the time. mwah noises. flirting. glomps. yelling at shit together for fun– cy just expresses himself loudly, while shouting at each other is a form of affection on tamaran. they’ll sometimes wrestle, sometimes arm wrestling and sometimes all out full-body on the floor (actual wrestling tho, not a innuendo; star usually wins). they keep denting walls and furniture with their messing around and the other titans are like /(e_e)\ *passing out earplugs* and at some point robin is like guys… just… keep it in your rooms please

but being loud isn’t exclusive to daytime. nobody fucking knows how the hell an alien and a robot get it on, but based on all the god damn noise at night, they’ve apparently figured something out. maybe more than one something. it is a mystery

“hey, star… ever heard of a vibrator?”

most of their making out happens in the gym tho, let’s be real. they’ve been checking each other out for years in there. now they just get frisky after (or during, or before) a workout, culminating in yet another “workout”. they never lock the door, and after enough incidents the other titans just end up boycotting the gym entirely in lieu of the other training room

with the added privacy, star opts to work out in the gym without a top on. or a bra. then she heads for the treadmill

“you never wear clothing, cyborg, so why should i?”

cyborg keeps dropping his weights on himself and just ends up covered in dents, two mangled prosthetic legs, and having done no training at all

they’re such a peppy excited pair that sometimes things can get a bit too wild. there’s a pile in the back of cy’s room made up solely of dented/crushed/melted/ripped arm and leg prosthetics, all damaged because cy was busy pampering his superpowered alien gf a lil too much. starfire feels super bad but cy is like, he has to fix his limbs after a lot of battles anyway, it’s no big deal. he also hasn’t bothered to suggest a workaround yet because watching her lose control is hot (and maybe getting his hand melted is kinda kinky)

they sometimes troll the other titans– usually robin– by whispering in tamaranian behind them and snickering, pretending like they’re talking about them. robin used to be extra miffed by this, but after learning that cy’s tamaranian is actually still shit enough that he has yet to learn to string together a proper sentence longer than 3 words, robin knows they’re just fucking around with him. at one point robin turns around on the couch and throws some tamaranian right back at them and cyborg’s like :O what the fuck? what the fuck?? and star’s like yeah actually robin asked me to teach him tamaranian too. and robin’s like :) and cy is grumpy he can’t antagonize him with it anymore (and that it’s not exclusively his and star’s code language anymore, but really, you can’t own a language like that)

star likes to cart cy around while flying, but he’s just so bulky that he doesnt look all graceful and shit like robin; he just looks kinda goofy dangling in the air with her holding him under the arms. but even if he felt a little self-conscious, he forgets it quickly when she lets him skim the ocean with his feet or take him up over the clouds– he’d thought he lost everything with the accident that left him a robot, but getting to fly like this is something he never could’ve even dreamed of even when he was all human. like. this must be what it actually means to be living. everything happens for a reason

cy gets a UV lamp installed in his body just in case they get stuck somewhere and there’s no sunlight for star, he can’t replace the sun but it might help

he also turns his heaters up a bit when they’re cuddling coz he knows she likes warmth, as long as he’s not running the risk of overheating his system, but his metal parts can be cold to the touch and while she doesnt mind it at all he just wants her to be cozy….

cy’s like the only titan taller than star, so she usually floats to be eye level with him. he big and bulky and strong and he reminds her of galfore, and that’s part of why she always felt protected and safe around him. not to mention star’s been getting taller than most earth people her age; she sometimes feels like a tall poppy, sticking out of the crowd too much. so she lowkey enjoys being smol for once compared to cyborg, especially if she ever feels like hiding behind him, or being carried by him, the comfort of a sort of bodyguard that she doesn’t necessarily need but is there if she wants

i keep bringing this up but star sitting on cyborg’s shoulders/arms like. the result is this tall stack of a couple that towers over all the other titans– then like everyone will be chilling on the couch when they hear making out noises from above and they look up and its just star floating around cyborg’s head as they smooch and everyone’s like -_-

all the meme fun aside, they’re always able to confide in each other whenever they’re upset. they’ll sit together in silence and just lean on each other or hug and wait for someone to spill. if (when) it comes down to “will i ever fit in?”, because that kinda worry never completely goes away, they’ll be reassured that they know the few places they’ll always be accepted– and that’s in the titans, or in the unconventional relationship between a half robot and an alien nuclear bomb

star likes being around cy coz he’s so sturdy, in more ways than one– he’s strong enough to tank stuff so it’s safer to roughhouse with him. she loves being able to give the biggest of hugs without worrying too much about crushing a ribcage (earthlings and their Fragile Little Bones!)

cy loves how small star is compared to him bc shes fun to pick up or pluck from the air and cuddle ♥ and she’s so warm, just radiating heat both literally and metaphorically and she’s so full of life and heart, and cy’s once again reminded of what it really means to be human– by a goddamn alien, no less

they like to touch each other’s faces, just caressing n stuff like they do in “how long is forever” and the teen titans go comic #24, staring into each others eyes and shit and going all (uwu) they just love to touch each other okay even back when they were just friends!!!!!!!

HAVE I MENTIONED THE SMOOCHES. star will just kiss cy all over his face because its fun and she knows he likes it. then cy returns the favor, except with increasingly exaggerated kissing and nomming noises because it makes star laugh and blush like crazy. it’s horribly embarrassing for anyone else watching. star & cy are usually standing in the middle of the corridor by this point, and then robin was gonna head to his office, but once he sees the path is blocked– by this no less– just returns the way he came without a word

if anyone tries to make star feel uncomfortable for being alien or misunderstanding something, which does still happen sometimes, they’ll quickly find out they’ve got the goddamn terminator comin for their ass. or they’ll turn around and see 6 foot tall robot man with arms crossed and red eye glowing and he’ll be like (: hey there (:

star keeps leaving the garage with motor oil all over her face. none of the other titans knows how to address it, or if they even should, so they don’t

anyway theyre in love

#:) #text #cystar #im weak #yes i referenced teen titans go because ttg actually has the wholesome cystar content can you believe this. episodes just about them #and theyre really cute #fight me irl #might edit this later its a mess #long post

[lovemesomesurveys]

When was the last time you read a book? I’m currently reading Because of Bethlehem by Max Lucado.  What was the last flavor of tea you drank? Peppermint. If you’re a youtuber, what was the last tag video you filmed? I’m definitely not a YouTuber. I kinda wish I was, though. ha. They make some good money. Are you subscribed to a lot of channels on youtube? Yeah. Do you enjoy graphic design? It’s not my thing. I have no artistic abilities or creativity.

What’s a trend from high school that you miss? Hmm. What color are your snow boots? I don’t have any. Has it snowed yet this year where you live? It doesn’t snow here. What month is it right now? November. Do you like the season your birthday is in, or would you change it? Ugh, no. I despise summer. I wish I was born in the fall or winter. Do you make lists of baby names that you like? No. I don’t want to have any kids. What color were the last pair of leggings you wore? I’m currently wearing gray leggings with little Santas all over. Do you eat breakfast every day? Most days.

What is something you hate about your hair? My hair looks like shit right now. I’m a year overdo for a dye job and it needs to be trimmed. I’m finally going to get it done in January. What was the last thing you had to eat? Ramen. Do you wish you had a better phone? I like my phone. Will you be making a Christmas wish list video for youtube? No. If you’re a youtuber, what is your channel name? …and how many subscribers do you have? Would you ever want to do youtube as a career? Like I said, I kinda wish I was a YouTuber cause they make pretty good money. I just am way too self-conscious and my life is super boring, so.  What was the first thing that you wanted to be when you grew up? A teacher. What is annoying you right now? Nothing at this exact moment. Do you have a headache? Not currently, but ugh I had a killer one yesterday. What color is the rim of your whiteboard? Black. Are you an alien? (lol I am!) No. Do you think your parents’ childhood photos look vintage? Yeah. Unicorn emoji or heart eyes emoji? Heart eyes. Do you find texting fun? It’s not fun, I guess I’d call it convenient. <<< Same. I’m not someone who is texting all the time or has ongoing conversations or group chats with people. How old were you when you got your license? I don’t have my license.  Do you miss someone? I’ll always miss a few loved ones who have passed away. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? My health.

Do you block a lot of people on facebook? No. What are your top five picks of baby names for girls? …for boys? What do you think would be good names for twins? Do you have any friends who have had twins? No. If yes, what are the twins’ names? Do you have a twin? No. If you had a twin sister, what would she be named? How would I know? Have you ever let someone walk on you and then later regretted it? Too many times.  Do you have any past mistakes you’ve made that haunt you every day? Yes.  Are you bothered by something someone said to you years ago? My brain likes to randomly think of random, old shit like that all the time. Who is the last friend that you lost? All of them. Do you have anyone who loves and supports you? Yes, my family. …if not, do you want that?

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[falconemuses]

skip first three paras if you’re reading this because of the #pewds tag

remember when i said i wanted to write more diary-ish posts in this blog to improve my communication skills? heh. i’m absolutely terrible at keeping to resolutions, as it turns out. but we’re gonna improve that. new resolution: improve at keeping at resolutions. starting now. so here we are. writing. probably one day i should start like a blog, maybe not tumblr because it doesn’t seem like the right medium for it, but like just a straight up actual diary, to collect my daily thoughts and preserve them for future me to laugh at. i used to have an old blog and like when i dug it up it was hilarious. deleted it though because one time i got paranoid about being spied on by hackers and blogger staff. 

there’s quite a lot of stuff i’m going through right now that i don’t really want to straight up talk about, cuz like, y’know, it’s like there’s a very thin lid over the bubbling pressure, and if i just lift that lid everything’s going to come pouring out, which is not really something i want to be dealing with. this (and next) week are my designated sort-of relax weeks, and i don’t want to spoil my mood. so let’s talk about something else.

there’s actually been like several topics that have been running through my mind lately but i’ve been putting off expounding on them because of school so now they’re all collected and i don’t really know which one to start off with, or if anyone even cares to know, or why in the heck i developed entire trains of thought around such inconsequential bullshit in the first place. anyway, let’s just have the least controversial topic.

pewdiepie! LMAO. “how is this the least controversial thing you have to talk about?!” believe me, it is. it’s not about the recent tragedy or defending him or putting him down, really. it’s just - well, he says a few times in his videos he doesn’t understand how the heck he got to no. 1 (no. 2 now technically T series passed him a while, but, y’know, whatever, he’s the no. 1 individual channel) and that kinda got me thinking as well, like, yeah, why am i watching his channel? it’s actually a bit sad to me because no one else i know is a huge poods fan so like there’s nobody else to discuss the videos with, which is strange considering the 94mil subs. the people that i *do* know who are into youtube are mostly into markiplier or cryaotic (can’t spell his name right) or jacksepticeye. so like even though, lol, i’m technically in the bigger fanbase, i don’t have anyone else to talk about it to? and so that makes me wonder like, yes, why am i specifically drawn to pewdiepie? what’s the particular appeal that made me sub to him and not the others? because i have watched the others, but somehow i always end up coming back to pewds’ channel.

the reason i’ve come up with is that....pewds is just more relatable, to me, personally. feel like i gotta say this at this point because on the internet people are liable to take you out of context or whatever: i’m not by any means saying that this is the recipe for success or that anyone should change their video style and it’s certainly not a critique of other youtubers - they’re all great in their own ways - i’m just saying, personally, what i like. he just feels more - more of like, a real person? to me? i don’t know how to explain this. it’s like, when i watch his videos, it just feels like y’know, if i met him we could be really good friends, sit down and have a sandwich together and chat about inane stuff, whereas the other youtubers feel more like.....movie stars? i guess that is what i’d call it? like more unreachable, more distant. like if you met them you couldn’t just chill and shoot the shit, you’d have to catch a glimpse while they walk past being swarmed by a whole bunch of bodyguards. 

cry is easier to explain, so i’ll just go with him first. he doesn’t show his face. LOL. i’m not saying he should, god knows if i ever got on youtube the last thing i’d show is my face, but like when watching the lets plays, i prefer felix’s over cry’s because y’know, i can see him. i can see that there’s a real dude there, sharing the experience and reacting along with me. and that makes it feel more comfy, somehow. also cry’s voice is like, the hot-guy voice. which is liable to get you throngs of screaming fangirls, but to me, it just makes him feel more - far away. like the kind of super-cool person that never makes a fool of themselves. which is not a person i can be friends with, because i’d feel intimidated by their perfection xD so yeah, pewds >> cry, because he feels friendlier and more relatable.

markiplier is the really popular one amongst the people i know and i guess why i prefer pewds to him is harder for me to explain because he does show his face and doesn’t have a sexy voice so what’s the problem? idk, i feel like mark....is too intellectual for me xD “but fal, pewds literally just reviewed the fucking republic!” “also, are you saying you like pewds cuz he’s dumb?!” no, it’s not - it’s the difference between highbrow and lowbrow intellectual, y’know? not that i’m saying mark is a snooty stuck up stick in the ass, but - just the difference in the way they talk, like.....literature professor vs thug notes, which is a really great series that i also highly recommend. like, felix understands, but he doesn’t speak fancy, which is also a thing that i appreciate. again, i’m not saying everyone should change their way of speaking, like, formal highbrow intellectual is also great and some people like that, evidently, but just, personally, again, pewds is easier to relate to because he talks simply. it really makes it feel like you’re just chillin’ with a pal when you’re watching his videos. even though you can’t technically respond. but that’s okay. it’s like companionable silence xD whereas for me watching mark is like watching a very - scripted production, or like just listening to someone too smart for me, which is just like, “yeah, okay, i’m gonna feel self-conscious if i try to talk to you”. i mean, the dude actually analysed the gameplay of freakin’ getting over it xD which is like, woah, you care about the physics of this thing?? whereas pewds just.....well.

“gorgonzola! everybody gets a little bit of gorgonzola!”

i think, probably, i am by no means a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor do i wholly believe in the veracity of the mbti, but i feel also like one of the things that draws me to pewds, especially now, is that i think, i think, we have quite similar personalities. i watched his mbti video, and before he was even halfway done i already knew he was going to get ISTJ because like our thought processes are so similar. (except i’m a little more reserved than him, obviously, hence the lack of a youtube channel) again, mbti isn’t like the most - accurate thing in the universe, but throughout all his other videos (and there are a lot) i feel like we have a lot in common. let me try to explain it in coherent terms. there’s the - pigheaded stubbornness - i think the getting over it playlist sums it up pretty well xD and like the uh, while we have a brain, we tend not to use it generally when solving problems, instead opting to just power through it, (again, the getting over it playlist) instead of analysing why the fuck we went wrong, just try to bulldoze the problem xDD and then there’s the urge to keep up the “everything’s fine” face. yeah, i know he did a video about forced positivity and said he’s not faking it anymore, but that’s a different thing, i’m not talking about faking happiness, i’m talking about - well, not exactly faking, but just sort of like - you just don’t want to admit to the actual extent of your feelings, and feel uncomfortable using, idk, is there a term for it? i’m gonna coin one - “emotion-centric” language. like, you never hear him say stuff like “i need to take a mental health day” or something like that, like the kind of “just using that language makes me feel weak and vulnerable and i don’t like that” kind of feeling - don’t take this as truth, by the way, that’s just the vibe i get, i could be projecting, because that’s an issue i have. i’m just gonna - leave it at that because i’m worried the more i talk the more bullshit it’s going to be and it’s just going to be me projecting my issues onto him and it’s not actually true and then people will take it all out of context and run weird articles - lmao.

anyway. this post went on for wayyy longer than i thought it would and there’s other stuff i wanna talk about too so let’s wrap this up. pewds, if you scroll the tag and find this, i - well, i honestly have no idea what to say xD. tell me if i got shit wrong, i guess, and if you’re ever in singapore or i’m ever in brighton let’s grab a macs and chill i guess? xDDD i also want to pet the pugs, they’re so cute.

#pewdiepie #pewds #personal #text

[kwamiwayzz]

citttrrruuuussssss

I don’t see enough of the meta when it comes to citrus so I decided to ask myself these questions after copying and pasting them from another blog cause why not >.> 

And I may be low key still trying to ignore my responsibilities

–

Main ship <3 Yuzu x Mei (i dont even think they have an actual ship name) 

I’m gonna cut it at a certain point cause I realized how much I was rambling 

• When or if I started shipping it:

Ah...surprisingly I didn’t start shipping these two until a few months ago. I’ve been following the manga since the day it came out and I’ve always liked them but I never actively “shipped” them or anything. Even though I went all “YeSSSSS” when they started dating in chapter 16, I was still just more of a casual fan.

There are a few reasons I can think of to why I was drawn into shipping them (finally...) was that I somewhat got back into yuri over the summer after watching a clip from Fate Kaleid.......*cough* anyway...and started going back on dynasty-scans to see what kinds of new yuris have been made huehuehue. Long story short I shortly got back into MadoHomu and Yuzu x Mei, and saw the latter ship as the “less angsty” version and went on from there 

The other reason I got super into them was that the latest few chapters, and remembering chapter 24, was that I really started to notice how Mei became less cold and closed-off from Yuzu. And seeing her blush and be all nervous around her was just..... <3 <3 <3~~~~~~

Oh and this one comic by smxmuffinpeddling made me laugh (and still makes me laugh) so it spiraled from there. They are a blessing to Citrus. 

• My thoughts:

I tend to gravitate towards ships that have that dark/light dynamic. I’m cliche and I have a weakness for ships that have the aloof dark haired girl who’s usually looked up to or very popular fall in love with the ditzy, but kind and optimistic light haired girl and vice versa (see: Chikane/Himeko, MadoHomu, Diakko {to an extent}) Not exactly opposites attract, but I found their interactions funny when they initially hated each other and whenever I read the manga in retrospect in my head I’m all, “honey you two have no idea” 

i like ships where i can see a little of myself in both characters 

• What makes me happy about them:

I understand that the pseudo-incest thing can turn some people off from the pairing but in this story I feel like it’s justified enough that pretty much the whole fandom is cool with it. Yuzu and Mei didn’t grow up together nor are they blood related, but taking the “they’re not related by blood” justification out of the way while the kiss that Mei stole from Yuzu is what led to Yuzu developing feelings for her step-sister, Yuzu already started showing some sort of attraction in chapter 1 when Mei hugged her to just to get her cellphone. So, kiss or no kiss, Yuzu probably would’ve developed a crush on Mei regardless. As for Mei, the step-sister thing forced the seemingly-opposite girls to interact and it’s what led to Yuzu finding out all these things about Mei and help her with her issues. So, I think the fact that Yuzu would go great lengths for her is what would lead her to falling for her.

I really like how Yuzu doesn’t give up on Mei despite Mei always having to push her step-sister away. As much as I love Yuzu and do relate with her on a spiritual level, I do relate with Mei a lot (despite some friends saying I’m more like Yuzu lol). Anyone else who would try to get close with Mei would either get tired of her for being so closed-off and eventually just give up on her. I like the fact that Yuzu does see a lot of the good in Mei that she can’t see in herself. The whole dynamic of the closed-off, pessimistic, sometimes brooding person with the open, optimistic, never-gives-up person is a common dynamic I’ve seen everywhere and I happen to be one of those people that really do like it (at least if done right to an extent or I relate on a certain level) and also reminds me of sasuke and naruto despite never shipping that *cough* but anyway...

Plus, I remember smxmuffinpeddling mentioning this in the tags of one of their fics, but I really do like how both of them put in a lot of work to make their relationship work. Yeah, sure it seemed like Yuzu was doing all the work in the beginning, but as soon as Mei began to open up and trust Yuzu more, she does try to put in genuine effort in maintaining their relationship (using Yuzu’s notebook as a perfect date template, when she talked with Yuzu in chapter 24 that their relationship has nothing to do with other people’s opinions, asked Harumi for advice on how to start a conversation with Yuzu in the vol. 7 extra, being open to Yuzu’s offer of the one kiss a day thing, and i wish to see many more things~)

• What makes me sad about them:

Need I explain...

*Sigh* as much I love these two, I just want them to interact more with words. Like have more casual conversations. It could be the mundane things or about any problems or issues they could be having. I live for healthy communication, and I feel like Yuzu and Mei are still working up to that.

• Things done in art/fic that annoys me:

So...finding actual fan content of these two, let alone for Citrus in general is like treading through the Sahara fucking Desert 

I haven’t really found anything concrete in art/fic that annoy me...yet but the most I’ll say is making both of them unreasonably OOC. This fandom is pretty small despite citrus apparently being a super popular yuri manga (I really didn’t know that until recently) so OOCness isn’t too much of a problem. I used to be heavily into the Frozen fandom so of course when you have a larger fandom you’re going to have a crap ton of fan interpretations and lots of AUs that either don’t fit or drive the characters being written about to be OOC.

• Things I look for in art/fic:

Lots of fluff cause we don’t get enough of it in the manga TT_TT 

If it’s just them talking or having a date or something mundane that allows them to get to know each other more then sign me the fuck up. I like seeing fics that go into Mei’s perspective and I’m also a huge fan of content that really showcases the support they have for one another because feels~

In fact here’s some fics I’ve read that show some of this stuff I’ve mentioned: 

citrus schtuffs by angel0wonder (literally anything written by smx/angel0wonder bless them)

 Citrus - A Compilation by mikotyzini

The Adventures of Mei and Yuzu by mikotyzini 

Citrus: Fantasies by epitomeodisaster (i literally don’t remember if i read this one but so far it has what i mentioned earlier)

Sweet and Sour by Cynical-Banshee (words cannot describe how much I love the writing style and characterization of Mei and Yuzu in this fic, it has almost everything I’m looking for that the manga doesn’t have enough of...and chapter 5...*dies*) 

that’s all i can think of for now, but despite low numbers of content most of the stuff ive come across so far is pretty good 

• Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

For Yuzu, I wanna say Harumin only because they’re best friends and she’s always got Yuzu’s back and stuff and I know some people in the fandom already highkey ship them...however (yeah I’m gonna be one of those people ^^;), in the story I feel like it would be a bit cheap having Harumi secretly have feelings/fall for her best friend because while I was used to the yuri cliches when I first read the manga, I personally feel like the story is already far in Yuzu and Mei’s relationship that adding more unnecessary third party drama would kinda be tiresome to me. That’s not saying I’m not open to it. If Saburouta does something new or different with the whole “best friend is in love with main protagonist” cliche that I’ve seen in other yuri like Strawberry Panic, then I wouldn’t mind reading it. 

For Mei...this is gonna sound like a weird answer, but I’d probably go with Matsuri. Part of the reason just being that they do kinda share some similarities together (being alone most of their life, sometimes clinging to the one person they feel like they can trust a.k.a Yuzu), but I’m also bad at explaining shit so I’ll probably just leave it at that :P 

• My happily ever after for them:

THEY HAVE A KID (i think i came up with a concept for them having a son in my head but i never drew it...yet) 

and they live in a cozy apartment together. Mei being self-conscious about her parenting skills and Yuzu always reassuring her that she’ll be fine and she’ll support her in everything she’s having trouble with if Mei has no fucking clue how to show love and affection to a child, let alone her own. The girl already took awhile trying open up and show her love to Yuzu, so this would be a challenge lol 

Yuzu trying to reassure their kid that while his mother is pretty stubborn and has a hard time expressing her feelings, she loves them both very much <3~

• What is their favorite non-sexual activity?: 

TALKING/COMMUNICATION (wait that’s my favourite lol) 

I’m assuming that once they’re deep in their relationship, just sitting down and talking about the mundane things whether it’s about their day or ranting about whatever, would be something they would find relaxing. In the end, they’re still learning more about each other (and I fucking love that) 

oh and trying new things with each other. Yuzu would be the one dragging Mei to try out something they’ve never done before (I can’t think of any right now), Mei would probably be super competitive when it comes to getting the skill down in whatever they’re doing but of course Yuzu would tell her she doesn’t need to get so worked up and should just let loose and have fun

#i rambled so much its not even funny #like i live and breathe their dynamic #yuzu x mei #turtle speaks #citrus manga #citrus #mei x yuzu

[nyhne]

11 new things

Well, you probably know the drill by now. Tagged by @lordsardine thanks! C: 

1) Do you have something (like a pillow or a stuffed animal) you can’t sleep without? Nothing that I can’t sleep without, but I’ve had this handmade blue whale that I got from a friend (she’d made it for a school project lol) in high school. Since I’ve had him he travels pretty much everywhere I go (for extended periods of time), but he mostly just chills in my bed. Right now I also have a Pusheen plush that was uh my makeshift pillow this summer because literally didn’t have a pillow lol

2) What’s your greatest regret?

Damn dude okay well one of them is definitely that I didn’t learn Mandarin when I was younger (like a child/kid-younger). Part of this is on my parents for not pushing me to do it more (which of course could have come to mixed results lol) but it’s also definitely regret on myself. Although I definitely acknowledge that my angst about wishing I had learned it comes more from like...my own self-induced societal pressures? Such as feeling very self-conscious about the fact that I’m ethnically Chinese but don’t speak Chinese or have a significant connection to my “root culture.” For honestly 97% of the time, my adoption isn’t something that bothers me or even comes up in my considerations, but on matters about my Chinese heritage it’s a huge source of self-consciousness. So while I definitely think knowing Mandarin would be super useful, I also acknowledge that this regret is influenced by a lot of other factors that aren’t about actually wanting to. 

3) What piece of media holds the most nostalgia for you? Hmm probably my DS or my Gameboy SP? Definitely lots and lots of memories of playing them in the car, in the airport, at home, late at night, ect. Especially with the SP, there’s a bit of a stronger muscle memory associated with it.

4) Were you ever in the superwholock fandom? Just the Sherlock fandom lol I actually was interested in getting into Supernatural, but I’m straight up lazy about watching TV, so I never bothered. I also got out of the Sherlock fandom after the second season lol

5) What was your dream job when you were a kid? I never had any super big aspirations, but when I was in middle school I did go through a phase of wanting to be a chef lol Which I’ve always been interested in cooking, but I do think that period influenced some of my love and mentalities about food and cooking today.

6) What was your first ship? Maybe Zutara? Just because that was like the first “non-canon ship” that I actually pursued fanmaterial for

7) What is something that’s happened to you that sounds made up but isn’t? There are some experiences in Europe that still sound dreamlike to me (in a fond way) even now- like sitting on top of a fortress with friends in Luxembourg or spending New Years in Vienna. But if you want an actual answer (and this is actually somewhat relevant to you because it happened at school lol) I’ve had a few odd experiences with the neighborhood/streets behind my university, which I’m somewhat convinced is a liminal space. The school is in a very wealthy area of DC and behind the dorms are a lot of multi-million dollar homes (many owned by diplomats). So in some ways it’s a very nice, safe area, but even during the day it’s always had an eerie feeling. Especially when I lived on campus, I liked walking late at night, and I’ve had a few experiences back there when I was with a friend that we’re both convinced was something not natural. I won’t elaborate here since this is already long but yeah, that’s like my only “ghost story” I’ve ever experienced in life. 

8) Favorite meme? I honestly don’t even know where to start there are just SO many good ones. Maybe in terms of usage, one I like using a lot is the Emphasized Points(tm). I use that all the time lol it’s probably obnoxious 

9) If you could become fluent in three other languages than what you’re already fluent in, what would they be? German, French, and then beyond my talk about Mandarin from earlier, Spanish. I don’t know if I’d ever be interested in learning Spanish “institutionally” (unlike with German and French where I really do enjoy sitting down looking at the mechanics of it) but there are so many Spanish-speakers in the US that it almost feels ignorant to not try and learn it. Especially at the restaurant, where the kitchen staff is all Hispanic (even the German chef lol she picked up Spanish at some point which is honestly so cool) I honestly feel kinda ashamed that I don’t know how to speak their language? So I’m trying to make more of an effort to pick up stuff there.

10) Favorite video game? Cop-out answer, pokemon lol specifically Ruby or Mystery Dungeon Blue. Oh wait, honestly Star Fox Adventures will always have a big special place in my heart. Damn the signs were all there when I was younger that I’m furry trash lol

11) When I was in elementary school, this kid named Sam, who I barely talked to, one day came up to me and told me that since all the stupid squirrels were being hit by cars, by processes of natural selection, a master race of smart squirrels would arise and take over the world. Thoughts? I honestly laughed so hard at this. It made me think of the guy who was my drivers ed teacher who was like I don’t feel bad if I hit birds when I’m driving because they have the whole goddamn sky and they chose to drive in front of my car five feet off the ground that’s natural selection at work 

Tagging @erengelion @eunnui​ @gummyboots @lithugraph @niniel-kirkland @theonecalledcris @the-plague-doctors​ C’:

1) Do you like giving/receiving flowers? 2) Is there a particular, niche thing in your field of study (or outside of it) that you’re really interested in? The biology of male seahorses in August? American consumerism trends in the 20th century?  3) What are some of your “go-to meals”? This isn’t meant as a shaming or comparison, but when you run out of new ideas what are your favorite go-to’s? It can literally just be ramen (but which kind) 4) Name at least one animal you’re passionate about and why 5) Do you believe and forgive and forget? Both, neither? 6) What is one thing that makes your home feel complete?  7) Give me a favorite band/song and why because I need new music lol 8) What is one thing you take for granted? 9) Do you think you are becoming your parents? How do you feel about it? 10) What is one “hip trend” that you feel like you were doing before everybody else?  11) What are you supposed to be doing right now instead of this quiz?

#thanks bab like always c: #person behind the posts #okay gonna finish this article check out the assignment requirements then go to sleep maybe

[traumaticexperiences]

anonymous: i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical.  Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely).  didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile.  at least a year probably.  But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper.  Calls us all names.  When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard.  I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes.  I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something.  She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times.  Same w my brothers.  But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too.  but I think that’s a newer development.  Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit.  I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower.  I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.  

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual.  It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”.  She wanted me to just try being with a boy.  I never have and never will.  After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting.  But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too.  I don’t like makeup much.  I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever.  I just brush my hair, that’s about it.  This always upsets my mom.  My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup.  She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc.  In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.”  I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so.  I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more.  But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me.  I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t.  My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now.  I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).  

But I’m not perfect.  I forget things a lot.  Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it.  Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it.  Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough.  It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc.  It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.  

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her.  She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need.  I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.  

It’s like, I know she loves me.  And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good.  But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college.  Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again.  Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me.  And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me.  But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms.  So I guess it made her temper even worse.  When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while).  But she didn’t.  But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).  

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious?  My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm.  I get kinda anxious just thinking about it.  The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh.  But it never escalated.  They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.  

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago.  I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk.  I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me.  That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest.  My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it.  I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for.  Or at least that’s how it seems to me.  I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it.  Any advice on that front?  I’m sorry this got so long.  

It would be nice if this is anonymous.  But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous?  Thank you.  And thank you for running this blog.

////

yes, what you're describing is abuse! grabbing you, and punching strikes as a really hateful and cruel physical abuse, only a person who really wanted to hurt you would do such a thing. Being called names also comes from a hateful place, and it can hurt so much when it comes from a parent, because they're not supposed to hate you, they're supposed to care, calling you names shows that they didn't care at all, they saw you as something that is there for them to hurt. Presenting your sexual orientation as something hurtful to them is so cruel and vicious, they wanted you to feel horrible about who you are! As if something is wrong with that! I'm really glad you never want to be with a boy. Calling you names for merely being who you are is really hurtful, again, something she does only to harm you. Hatred over your appearance is also something really abusive and crushing, it can affect you really deeply that people can hate you merely because they don't approve of the way you look, and that's terrifying, even more when it comes from a family member. She made you feel like she'd rather have someone else for a daughter, merely because of your looks, that is just too cruel. It doesn't matter if you're perfect or not, you haven't deserved this kind of abuse, someone who cares about you would never do any of those things, because they shouldn't think that you deserve to be hurt. Helping you calm down and bringing you medicine are such basic things, it's really not much, even if it means much to you because you don't really get much affection so even the smallest gesture can feel like love. You deserve more than that. Your mom is abusive and a few basic things she does can't change that. I don't believe a person who hurts you that badly can truly love you and care about your well being. You can't just love a child when you feel like it, and then hate it when you feel like hating it. That's sick. It seems you recognized the cycle of abuse and you know what's going on. I'm glad you're so bright and know a lot of things are wrong. You are scared of her. You're anxious in arguments. She's obviously capable of hurting you a lot, and you know it's not safe for you around her. It's really painful to live around a person like that, and you shouldn't be subjected to that.Probably the most scary thing is how she pretends nothing happens, minimizes the pain she caused to you and tries to excuse her actions and gaslight what you know happened. That kind of psychological abuse can drive a person crazy, and you shouldn't be put thru that, just for the sake of her getting away with it.

#mint

[legendairily]

Get To Know Me

@fullmetal-trash-in-grey tagged me! Thanks so much, this one was a lot of fun~ Rules: Tag 9 people to do this! Are you named after anyone?— I got my middle name from my great grandma (its weird and I've always kinda hated it lol) When was the last time you cried?— Oh gosh I dunno...... a few weeks ago probably? Do you like handwriting?— Nooooope. I hate my own, it looks awful What’s your favorite lunch meat?— Turkey Do you have kids?— I mean....not real ones..... If you were another person would you be friends with you?— I think I'm kinda cool. Sometimes. So maybe Do you use sarcasm?— I try but I'm really bad at getting it across properly.. Do you still have your tonsils?— Yup Do you bungee jump?— nOPE What’s your favorite cereal?— Rice krispiesssss~ Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?— Never Do you think you’re a strong person?— Not at all tbh What’s your favorite icecream?— Cookie dough! What’s the first thing you notice about people?— Now that I think about it... their hair I think? I'm super self conscious about my own hair , so maybe that's why What’s the least favorite thing you like about yourself?— My social skills bro. They suck What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now?— Turquoise and none What are you listening to right now?— Nothin If you were a crayon what color would you be?— Hmmm.... a nice maroon red What is your favorite smell?— Vanilla! Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?— My mom Favorite sport to watch?— Either football or volleyball, they're both fast paced enough I can kinda stay focused on em (......no it's definitely not cuz of sports anime.....nooooo....) Hair color?— Brown Eye color?— Blue Do you wear contacts?— Nope  Favorite food to eat?— Crepes omg I love them so much  Scary movies or comedy?— I like both but I think comedy usually wins out for me Last movie you watched?— The Ring. Wasn't as good as I thought it would be.. Color of the shirt you’re wearing?— Light blue  Summer or winter? Winterrr Hugs or kisses?— Hugs! I never really give them but I love receiving them What book are you currently reading?— Nothing... I haven't been able to find any good books to read lately Who do you miss right now?— My best friend who moved all the way to south america 😭 What’s on your mouse pad?— Nothin. It's boring black What’s the last tv show you watched?— Tiger & Bunny What’s the best sound?— Pouring rain....! I love it Rolling stones or the Beatles?— I don't listen to either so idk.... What’s the furthest you’ve ever traveled?— Hong Kong! It was wild dude  Do you have a special talent?— Drawing I guess..? Its rly the only thing I'm good at Where were you born?— Nevada I tag: @ukinea @pikarasaaa @tip-tophat @nah-guy and uhhhh.....pretend that's 9

#thanks again for taggin me! #tagged #personal

[ronansparrishes]

I was tagged to answer all of these questions!!

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more milk than cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

yes i don’t like to be super warm ever 

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

usually sticky notes that i write things on about the book or like lists of stuff that i have due that week

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

i take tea with nothing in it and coffee with lots of sugar and cream 

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

yeah my teeth are a little weird

6: do you keep plants?

yep! i have two cacti, richie and nini

7: do you name your plants?

see above lmao 

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

i’m a writer

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

i literally never stop singing lmao but yeah i do

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

back or stomach

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?

“I have to microwave this” anytime anything is awkward 

12: what's your favorite planet?

saturn 

13: what's something that made you smile today?

i had a nice talk with a girl from my history class and this guy from my shakespeare class last semester, like we sat on the benches outside of this building for an hour and a half

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

plants and paper everywhere lmao 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

space is... big

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

alfredo which im eating right now

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

like a reddish color

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

calling the musical oklahoma ‘kansas’ 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

i have one but i barely write in it lmao

20: what's your favorite eye color?

i don’t have one

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

my like briefcase bag thing that i used for like 3+ years and the strap was broken but i kept using it

22: are you a morning person?

yeah i guess, like i get up early every day for class and im usually pretty awake and functioning 

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

read fanfiction and watch musicals

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

b, corinne

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?

i dont think i ever have 

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

my black knock off vans from target

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?

anything fruity

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

b always leaves me sticky notes and they’re always so cute

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

yeah probably

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

i have so many socks and i never wear matching ones and my dad gets mad when i buy more socks

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

idk me and b used to stay up real late with JM and send each other dumb memes

33: what's your fave pastry?

anything with peanut butter

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

violet, she was like a tiny purple weasel thing...

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

YES I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I COLLECT CUTE STATIONARY 

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

the front bottoms

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

i clean my room every sunday usually

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

everything my stupid roommate does

39: what color do you wear the most?

black or red

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

i don’t wear jewelry

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?

the raven cycle series!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

we live right next door to a coffeehouse, it’s not my fave but i spend a lot of time there. it’s student run so it’s kinda shitty lol

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

probably b

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

right now, sitting in the kitchen with my friends

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

im too lazy, ask ali

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

onions

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

clowns, probably

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i buy kpop CDs lol u, i gotm lemonade for christmas from my friend

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

socks

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

b - hey thanks by the wonder years

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

the one making fun of student athletes 

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

all of them but pulp fiction, i like rocky horror and heathers a lot

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i don’t.... know...

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?

spent 5 days not talking to any of my friends

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they’re funny 

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

i’m not going to but if i did i would dramatically reenact it

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

im both. bet

59: what's your favorite myth?

anything greek

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

yeah, i like bukowski

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?

everything i give is dumb, also one time veronica got me a slinky for christmas and i was so mad

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

apple!! 

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

i organize by letter 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

black, it’s night

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

corinne or my friend mason

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

BLACK

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

like kind of at peace and calm

68: what's winter like where you live?

cold as fuck and lots of snow

69: what are your favorite board games?

clue!!!! idk a bunch 

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

fuck no i dont fuck with that

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?

chamomile 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

no i have a really good memory

73: what are some of your worst habits?

biting my nails, being generally awful 

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

egg

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none :(

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

sleeping lol i have to be up at 5:30

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

HATECLUB

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

make me a mix CD

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

at school and at home they’re both white, but they’re covered in posters of things i like, like monsta x and the x files

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

egg

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i usually get all A’s, school/academics are super important to me and i’ve always been good at them

83: what's some of your favorite album art?

any front bottom’s cover

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yes! the phrase “a miracle of moving parts” 

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

nah but i watch daredevil

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

yeah, lemonade. and so many others

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

ferris bueller’s day off, all the LOTR, les mis

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

dadaism lmao

89: are you close to your parents?

not my mom but i’ve live with my dad since i was 15, he’s like my best friend probably 

90: talk about your one of your favorite cities.

i really love Nuremberg when i was there. it was so nice and beautiful yet still modern?? but there were furries everywhere lmao

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

around PA and maybe jersey and new york, nowhere major tho

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

so much

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?

hair down, pin straight bc that’s how it drys 

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

ummmmmmmmmm idk im bad at this lmao

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

newspaper layout

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

no i like never do

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

INFJ, cancer, gryffindor

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

with dallas last spring break probably lmao no i hate hiking 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

we don’t eat by james vincent mcmorrow or something like that

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

future. forget the past lmao

#about me #life #long post for ts

[roseyy-days]

okay so this blog might end up being a little like a journal where i talk about stuff thats happening

i live in munich and this weekend i went to a different part of germany to visit this friend that i made. his name is micah and he's really such a down-to-earth, easy-to-be-with person. he's about to be 24 (three years older than me) and he’s doing a masters program here in germany. he's from america, too, though. we texted a lot and got to know each other pretty well before we met the first time, then he and his friend Maddie (who he doesn't really like) came to munich and i kinda tagged along with them to hang out. that was fun, so we decided to spend a weekend together in the city he lives in. it was actually a really fun weekend!!!

so i always identified as a lesbian i guess but now that I'm a little older i think i identify more as pansexual, although the chances of me dating a straight cis man are slim to none. I've been weirdly criticized for this but idc. i like to say pan because i would date/like/whatever with a non-binary or trans person. not gonna lie, people with Other genders and stuff interest me, and micah happens to be trans, he’s been taking testosterone for like three years so he is definitely male-passing. I've low-key always wanted to have sex or date or do stuff with a trans person. 

i took a bus there for an hour and 40 minutes on friday, and i just got back to munich like 2 hours ago. before we did this weekend, he asked me what this was supposed to be, like if it was a friendship or fwb or what, and we basically decided to have no expectations, but whatever happens happens. on friday night i slept on the extra mattress he has in his room

so it happened. the excuse to hold my hand was that his hands were cold. i guess it wasn't really an excuse bc it was true, his hands were cold. its like literally freezing here in germany so thats valid. from that point on though, we acted like a couple in public. he held my hand and touched my leg while we were on the bus and stuff and it was sweet. even though we aren't going to date, it still felt nice

we went to christmas markets and stuff with his friends, who were cool, and it was fun. we drank different alcohol, ate crepes, walked around a lot, and also saw the Walhalla monument thing. when we got home from all of that it was almost 12, so we showered quickly (separately) and just got into bed (together this time). we laid there talking for a while as his hand was touching my leg, further and further up, suggestively. eventually when i mustered up the courage i asked if i could kiss him and he said yes so we kissed. our mouths were both so dry from smoking lol it kinda sucked. he has sort of big lips that are really nice to kiss. i liked kissing him

we started touching each other and stuff and i didn't know what to do bc I've never had sex with a transitioned trans guy before. i know bottom growth (when the clitoris grows to be a couple inches long) was a thing but obviously I've never touched anyone who has had that. being on testosterone for so long makes that happen. everything was shaved super smooth i couldn't even believe it. later he talked about how he generally shaves if he thinks he's going to have sex bc it makes everything easier. that made me glad i shaved a few days ago in preparation of this possibly happening. anyway, i was nervous to touch his clit because i didn't know if that was okay or what. so i just asked “is there anything you don't want me to do/touch” and  he said no, everything is fine. so that was good. I finally touched his vagina area, and it was nice to see that he has legitimate-sized inner labia like i do. I've always been self conscious of mine so it made me happy that his were like that too. his are also visible from the front when he's standing up. and yeah, bottom growth is real in case anyone was wondering. his clit was like 2.5 inches long, and felt erect almost like a penis. it was actually really really cool, just anatomically. once i got over the coolness i was like “what do i do” so i started doing random things and asking what felt okay. basically everything feels good, he said, so i just gauged his reaction. something unique i guess is that his legs/torso kind of convulse as he gets close to orgasming. not just a little shaking but like a lot. it was pretty attractive tbh. he asked if he could go down on me and i was nervous at first but i said yes of course, and that was that. it actually felt better than anyone else who has ever attempted to go down on me in my whole life. just saying. i told him that i can't orgasm from someone else touching me, and he said thats okay of course. but he did finger me a lot and also touched my clit in a way that feels good, when that usually doesn't feel good when someone else does it. 

so we touched each other for quite a while. there was also a point where he realized i had my nipples pierced lol. this was the first time I've had sex with someone without having a big conversation about sex previously. also the oldest person I've had sex with. also the first light-eyed person I've had sex with/kissed. lots of firsts. i touched him for a while and it was fun. he has a really muscular body and it was nice to touch in general. when he orgasmed his whole body contracted and shook for a long time. probably one of the most attractive things I've ever seen. 

when we were in public together he held my hand and put his hands on me a lot in general, which i liked. its been a long time since someone’s hands have been on me lmao i missed it a lot. micah said he also feels starved for physical contact lol. it was a very different feeling to be with a guy in public. since he looks so masculine and male-passing, i didn't feel anxious about being stared at. when i’m with a girl in public there are always small thoughts in the back of my head about being stared at, or what we look like, or whatever. but i didn't have that fear at all this weekend, and ngl, it felt pretty nice to be led around by a guy more dominant than me. i liked it. this is how i know I'm not a lesbian, because I'm attracted to micah. i think pan is the best word for me for now. okay peace out :-)

#mine #journal #trans #queer #uhhhh #gay #idk what else this is #experiences

[traumaticexperiences]

Anonymous:i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical.  Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely).  didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile.  at least a year probably.  But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper.  Calls us all names.  When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard.  I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes.  I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something.  She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times.  Same w my brothers.  But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too.  but I think that’s a newer development.  Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit.  I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower.  I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.  

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual.  It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”.  She wanted me to just try being with a boy.  I never have and never will.  After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting.  But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too.  I don’t like makeup much.  I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever.  I just brush my hair, that’s about it.  This always upsets my mom.  My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup.  She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc.  In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.”  I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so.  I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more.  But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me.  I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t.  My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now.  I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).  

But I’m not perfect.  I forget things a lot.  Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it.  Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it.  Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough.  It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc.  It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.  

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her.  She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need.  I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.  

It’s like, I know she loves me.  And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good.  But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college.  Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again.  Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me.  And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me.  But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms.  So I guess it made her temper even worse.  When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while).  But she didn’t.  But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).  

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious?  My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm.  I get kinda anxious just thinking about it.  The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh.  But it never escalated.  They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.  

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago.  I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk.  I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me.  That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest.  My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it.  I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for.  Or at least that’s how it seems to me.  I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it.  Any advice on that front?  I’m sorry this got so long.  

It would be nice if this is anonymous.  But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous?  Thank you.  And thank you for running this blog.

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yeah your mom roughly grabbing your arms and shoulders and slamming you against the wall and punching you sounds terrifying, the fact that it didn't leave marks and bruises just shows that she wanted to hurt you, but didn't want any proof of it left over that could be used against her. it's horrifying. It is physical abuse, and even if it lessened it's likely because physical abuse is used to permanently keep someone scared, intimidated, and obedient, being abused this way in the past is enough for long term consequences, so they don't even have to hit you in the present because your body remembers abuse from the past and is ready to obey them in order to avoid more!

Name calling is abuse, and being told to drown in a shower was basically telling you to die, holy shit, that's horrible! I'm glad you got some comfort afterwards, that's really traumatic.

Refusing to acknowledge your sexual orientation and then using it as an insult is crazy abusive, it sounds like she really hated you and everything you are. Also that is a lot of abuse just over your appearance, the worst is comparing you to others as if you're inferior or something to be ashamed of, it's awful! It's severe emotional and psychological abuse, and it's no wonder you were doing your best not to cry, and still don't feel like your appearance is good enough. You're in the right here, not wasting your time to adjust your appearance to how others would prefer is good! looking the way you feel comfortable is the best decision for you, and your mother had no right to dictate it or to shame you for it, you're a human being, and that matters more than your appearance, and anyone using your appearance to imply that you're less is dehumanizing you, and negating your worth as a human.

You don't have to be perfect in order not to be abused, and even if there were some times where she wasn't abusing you as much, it just means she is able of not abusing you, but she still abused you all the other times. Not abusing you or being nice to you for a short while is absolutely no excuse for abusing you the rest of the time. She sounds really terrifying and it's dangerous to believe she loves you, i don't think someone who cares even slightly about your well being could ever hurt and abuse you this much.

For abuse survirors it is common to get scared and anxious when getting into arguments because in the past you were taught that arguing risks abuse, risks someone accusing you of provoking them or being at fault because you didn't just do as you were told. After that, even if you were in a civil argument it would be scary. Your brain gathers all information about arguing and if there was danger in the past, it expects danger in the future, and sends out warnings and anxiety whenever you have to argue.

It's hard to ever be over someone who you love and trust shoving you against the wall. It's terrifying to just know that person is capable of that, of wanting to hurt and scare you that much. And your mom is gaslighting you and pretending it didn't happen because she knows it was abusive and cruel, and she doesn't want to deal with consequences of that. I'm glad you're questioning everything, and you don't have to consider what your mom has to deal with, this is about you, and how your mom affected you, and what is the shit YOU have to deal with, because of her. You don't have to be counted on for anything, you're a human being, not a tool, not a robot, not there to be of service to others. You deserve good things even if you don't bring profit and good things to others. I don’t know about advices, but I hope you keep questioning your mom’s intentions and actions and do what’s best for you, regardless of what she wants. Remember your life belongs to you, and you do not have to live for her and her ideas of what you should be. If you feel you could be happier without her dragging you down and burdening you, try to get free. Good luck.

#trigger warning #child abuse #emotional abuse #homophobia #abusive parents #gaslighting #submission