#first bvb concert | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

there-is-just-me-myself-and-i · 2 years

Text

I saw a lot of people doing this in the last few days. And it sounded kinda fun... Now that I am finally done with it I actually regret it though. 😂 But I managed to do it with only using one band twice. And I learned that a lot of the songs I love actually start with the same letter, so this is a really random list of songs...I do like them all though.

Thank You For Everything – Sunrise Avenue (Not my favorite Sunrise Avenue song, but I am just so thankful for their music)

Hypa Hypa – Electric Callboy (you're pretty and I like ya… 😉😂)

Enemy for Me – Blind Channel (I ran out of songs beginning with an e, so this is the second Blind Channel song I use here. And yes I filled those songs in randomly…)

Ready, Set, Go! – Tokio Hotel (My first concert ever was Tokio Hotel in 2007 on their „Zimmer 483 Tour)

End of My Days – Michael Schulte (This song always manages to make me smile, and reminds me of someone really special…)

I Believe – Kamrad (He was the opener at a Sunrise Avenue show, and recently got back my attention through that song. I heard it on the radio and was like, I know that voice)

Say the Name – Malik Harris (Despite this whole ESC drama surrounding Germany last year I love Malik Harris and have been a fan of him since I first saw him live in 2018. He was the opener for James Blunt at a show I attended near my hometown. We actually met him after the concert and took some pictures with him. He was so nice and the first person to actually spell my sister’s name correctly)

Jezebel – The Rasmus (I’m not the biggest fan of them, but I kinda like the song. Also when I think of Jezebel I am immediately reminded Harry Styles song „Little Freak“)

UFO – Alex Mattson feat. Solamay (How could I not include him in this 😂)

She Got Me – Luca Hänni (Been a fan of him since his DSDS casting back in 2012. That was the first and only time my favorite candidate actually won the show. I haven’t watched the show since then anymore. But I was actually also rooting so hard for Switzerland in 2019 when he took part in ESC with that song. I don’t even know who the German entry was in that year)

The Death of Me – Asking Alexandria (This song reminds me of a really dark time in my life. It helped me a lot back then)

Matilda – Harry Styles (No words for this song…🖤🖤🖤)

Everything i wanted - Billie Eilish (I don’t listen to her music often but this song is just…)

Musik sein – Wincent Weiss (I actually can’t listen to this song anymore but I had to include Wincent Weiss since I actually attended 11 Wincent Weiss concerts because of my sister. And there are probably many more to come…I mean I like his music aswell but I wouldn’t have needed 11 concerts, but I also would almost never say no to a concert.)

You & I – One Direction (I wasn’t the biggest One Direction fan, but I still liked/like some of their songs. That one is probably my favorite)

Sarcasm – Get Scared (I don’t listen to this song often anymore, but when I do it always brings back memorys. And there are some people I would really love to play it to…)

Eraser – Ed Sheeran (I love Ed Sheeran, and will finally see him live next month. Can’t wait!!!)

Lividi sui gomiti – Måneskin (I love the song, and I especially love the lyrics of this song)

Faithless – Black Veil Brides (The Chorus speaks for itself I think…And BVB is still one of my favorite bands)

Autopsy – Blind Channel (This song has been stuck on my head since the album release…Thank you for that boys… 😂 )

Not ready – Myle (I hate/love my sister for introducing me to that song…😂)

Drown Me Out – Andy Black (This is my go to song when I need to cheer myself up)

Irgendjemand wie du – Fabian Wegerer (He was the opener for Wincent Weiss at one of the shows I attended this year. The song just kinda stuck. And the guy is actually so small 😂)

#this was so hard #but i did it #it would look completely different if I would have used the bands/artists more than once #i actually had to use Blind Channel twice...#but seriously why was it so hard to find songs starting with e

2 notes · View notes

loganlostitall · 4 months

Text

Y’all… my fellow Reapers…… idk I literally went for BVB but I’m missing Anthony sm I gotta see DD again, I wanna go to the Bleeders tour so bad but can’t!!! 😭💔

What a hell of a night this was. I had BVB VIP too 🖤

4 notes · View notes

the-nation-of-today · 7 months

Text

Ballerinas, Barbers, and Brides

(or: an attempt to theorize on what BVB 7 is going to be about)

So everyone saw my deranged theory post yesterday. Here is my attempt to take that theory and put it into actual coherent thought.

We know BVB 7 has been teased and talked about. But what is it going to be about? My theory is that BVB 7 is going to be a concept album that focuses on a story about antagonists and the dangers of giving in to your darker wants and impulses.

Let's get right into it.

I. BACKGROUND

Where are we right now in regards to the state of the band and its music?

Of the concept albums, we’ve already had two that focus on the heroes of the story (Wretched And Divine/Vale) and one that focuses on an antihero/morally gray character (The Phantom Tomorrow)

We know BVB 7 is being actively worked on

Andy has teased his notebook for this album (posted on his Insta story in June)

CC has recently been in the studio tracking drums with Erik Ron (he posted it on his Instagram story, I had a screenshot of it but have since apparently deleted it to make room for concert content.) (Edit: we found it!! Posted August 27th to his story)

Jake has teased multiple possible in-progress songs while on stream (I don’t have any clips of these but if anyone does please send them over and I’ll add them.) (Edit: a Twitter friend is letting me share these tweets from back in August re: what Jake has said)

Both Andy and Jake have teased that the new music is going to be heavier and harder with the incorporation of bits of death metal and deathcore, along with the tease of more Andy screaming. Andy in particular teased it in this Icon Vs. Icon interview about The Mourning (if anyone has a Jake tease, do share and I'll add it.)

II. BLACK SWAN

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that this part does not have as much solid ground to stand on as the rest of the theory. However, it’s still worth talking about. This theory stems from the makeup looks that Andy did in Mexico and in the band’s pre-Mexico photoshoot. It’s been affectionately dubbed the Black Swan look due to the similarities between the look and Natalie Portman’s appearance on the Black Swan movie poster

But let’s take a look at what the actual plot and message of Black Swan is. According to IMDb, Black Swan focuses on Nina (Portman), “a talented but unstable ballerina on the verge of stardom. Pushed to the breaking point by her artistic director and a seductive rival, Nina's grip on reality slips, plunging her into a waking nightmare.”

Then, we get to the message of the movie itself. According to this article by Courtney Campbell of The True Colors: “In “Black Swan,” the movie highlights the dangerous divide between being passionate of your work and being obsessed with perfecting it. The director and Lily showcase passion; both of them are clearly enamored with ballet yet their psyches aren’t ravaged by it. Nina and her mother represent obsession. The pair have devoted their lives to ballet to the exclusion of everything else.”

So now we come to the crux of it: obsession. Nina, our protagonist, obsessed over ballet and her attempts to be cast in the principal role in Swan Lake. Because of this, her mind quite literally breaks and she begins to hallucinate more and more, to the point in the ending where she believes she is stabbing her rival with a shard of glass but instead has stabbed herself. Nina becomes her own worst enemy and, depending on how you interpret Black Swan’s ambiguous ending, dies because her passion became obsession.

So what does this mean for BVB 7? Well, there are many parallels between the world of Nina and the world of music- namely the desperate need to “make it”, and then stay relevant. It’s not an uncommon trend to see musicians fall into the same spirals that Nina did. While her story is an exaggerated one due to the nature of the movie, the themes are all too relevant to the life of a musician. In fact, loathe as I am to admit it because the movie is not good, we see a very similar theme in American Satan, which Andy starred in.

Black Swan is a story about how your need for perfectionism can twist you into something darker, and how being solely obsessed with one thing can cause your life to end.

III. SWEENEY TODD

Now here is where the theory really starts to hold weight. If there is one thing to know about Andy, it is that Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, is one of his favorite musicals of all time. He’s dressed up as the titular barber before and has recently gotten a new Sweeney Todd tattoo.

In case you aren’t familiar with the plot of the musical, let’s do a quick look at the synopsis. According to Wikipedia, the musical “retells the melodramatic Victorian tale of Sweeney Todd, an English barber and serial killer who, while seeking revenge on Judge Turpin who wrongfully convicted and exiled him to steal his wife, murders his customers and, with the help of his accomplice, Mrs. Lovett, processes their corpses into meat pies.”

Pretty gruesome stuff, but we really shouldn’t be surprised here. Essentially, the story is about a man who was once gentle and kind and has since been twisted into something cruel and evil. Sound familiar? Perhaps like a certain protagonist of a ballet movie previously mentioned? It’s also worth mentioning that, at the end of the musical, Todd ends up being killed because his blind lust for revenge has distracted him.

Now, I didn’t think there was much to this, I thought Andy’s Instagram captions were simply alluding to Sweeney Todd because he is, as we know, a big fan.

We have “Attend the tale” which is the first line that’s sung in the opening number The Ballad of Sweeney Todd (“Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd”) and “My friends” which is the title of a song about midway through Act 1/the first half of the movie where Todd first swears revenge. His “friends” that he’s referring to are his razors, his murder weapons.

But this all changed with yesterday’s (9/29) post.

Simply captioned “Epiphany”, that could mean anything, right? Epiphany is a pretty common word. WRONG.

“Epiphany”, in Sweeney Todd, is a major turning point in Act 1. Before this point in the musical, Todd was very self-controlled and precise. At this point in the musical, Todd had the object of his revenge (the Judge) in his grasp, but he escapes. This breaks Todd and that earlier precision is gone. Losing out on one chance of revenge has ruined his already fragile mind so much that here is where he decides to indiscriminately murder anyone he can get his hands on. These snippets from a (semi-negative) review of one production of Sweeney Todd from the Washington Post and a musical analysis of the show by From Score To Stage explain it better than I could.

What gets me is that it is not just a turning point for Todd's character, but for his musical structure. Oh? A change in music you say? A reference to a change in music when the band has teased that their new music will have some changes? Interesting.

But these are just coincidences, right? Let’s take one look further at this band and what they’ve been doing. On the recent Mexico leg, their intro music for when they come onto the stage was just The Phantom Tomorrow (Introduction). But they changed that for the US leg. And what did they change it to? Take a listen (y'know, outside of the various screams of yours truly)

Don’t recognize it? Take a listen to this.

That’s right, they’re using the opening title of Sweeney Todd as their introduction music for this leg. Now, I don’t know about you guys, but that is far too many “coincidences” to not at least make a note of. (Shout out to Tal @sonsofnight for picking up on this btw because I did not recognize it)

IV. CONCLUSION

So where does this leave us? We have an album we know is in the works and two pieces of media that focus on the twisting of human desires into something darker. Perfection into obsession and controlled anger into revenge. Both end negatively for the protagonist in question, with either an ambiguous or confirmed death.

There is one last point I want to bring up- The Mourning. What started out as The Phantom Tomorrow part two that then morphed into its own thing. And one of the songs on there? The Revival, which has the lyrics “Did you find what you need in the solace? / Is the pain worth the soul and promise?” and “Did you find what you need in the solace? / Is the soul worth the pain of a world we can’t revive?”

Or, maybe in a different interpretation, was what you were striving for worth it? Was that perfection you were seeking worth the mental breakdown? Was that revenge you sought worth carving through the world and spilling its blood? Was all of that worth it, only for you to die at the end?

Whether this was meant to be a tease, I can’t say for certain. But for these themes to pop up in the transition release between TPT and what will (hopefully soon) be BVB 7? All I am going to say is that it lines up just a little too well for my liking to be a set of coincidences. And now that we’ve had the stories of our heroes and antiheroes told, maybe it’s time for the villains and antagonists to take the spotlight.

#black veil brides #bvb #bvb army #black veil army #bvb 7 #bvb VII #BVB 7 theories #maeve.txt #I know I'm doing a lot of straw grasping and conjecture here #but there HAS to be something here #too much for it to be coincidental to me #and this band doesn't do coincidences #Spotify

39 notes · View notes

heartstopsbeating · 2 years

Text

I’m not happy.

No, this post isn’t about depression―I mean, I’m a teenager, there’s a certain amount of depression involved in my life anyway, but that’s not what this is.

This is about my dad.

Usually, I get along with him perfectly. I’m definitely my father’s daughter, in almost every aspect―even down to our music taste (he’s the reason I got into rock/metal and never looked back). We don’t always like the same bands (i.e. I’m a Skillet fan and he loathes those guys), but for the most part we agree to disagree and all is well.

But recently, that hasn’t been the case. Recently, it’s been much worse.

At the beginning of April, the Trinity of Terror tour came to Chicago, where I live. They played at the Aragon Ballroom in Uptown on the North Side, in the same neighborhood my mother lived in when my parents first met. I found out about this two days before they were scheduled to perform. I worked my ass off cleaning our entire apartment, by myself, to convince my dad to take me and let me see the show―specifically the Black Veil Brides portion, though seeing Motionless in White was great too (we left before Ice Nine Kills came on). Somehow, incredibly, we made it, and I had the time of my life. It was the first Black Veil Brides―the first real rock concert, really―I’d ever been to, and I loved it.

Dad was less than impressed; he’s not a Black Veil Brides fan, citing that though he likes Jake and Jinxx’s guitar work and Andy’s voice in general, there’s something about them that he just...can’t get into. And that’s fine, I respect that; he took me to the concert just because I wanted to go and because it was important to me, not because he had any particular interest in the bands themselves.

But ever since, every time I’ve brought up Black Veil in his presence (which is often, since he works from home, I wear my BVB shirt at least twice a week and sometimes more, and I’m constantly talking about them), he’s been on edge or dismisses me, and them, out of hand.

I can’t figure out why. But that’s not all. I found out about two weeks ago now that BVB is on the lineup of a three-day Rock Fest in Wisconsin in July. The festival runs July 14-16, and a lot of the bands I like will be playing―including Disturbed, who have long been a favorite and are one of the headlining bands for this festival. Naturally, I begged Dad to let me go, even if it does mean a two-hour drive to get there. I even wrote a whole-ass two-page argument as to how we could do it as cheaply as possible.

He said no.

I was devastated, naturally, and I haven’t stopped praying to whatever gods may be listening that by some miracle he’ll change his mind while there’s still time. But in all honesty, I kind of figured that would be his answer; I’m still resentful about it, since I think his reasons for saying no are kind of stupid, but in hindsight I’m not exactly surprised either. But that...fractured something, I think, because every comment he’s made about BVB and concerts since has been sharp, rude, or otherwise offending.

I don’t think he’s trying to be offensive, but...well, take earlier tonight as an example. We were at my little sister’s school book fair (remember when those were a thing?) and while I had found a couple that looked interesting, they were all $8 or more, which wouldn’t have been a problem if I wasn’t trying to save up money for band merch. When I pointed this out, Dad looked at me in confusion; he didn’t realize what “band merch” meant. I explained that I meant like posters and CDs and T-shirts and stuff―and mentioned that sometimes it was things that I could get signed. He laughed―scoffed, really―and said, “What, you really think you’re actually going to meet them someday?”

Yeah. He said that. And I was instantly crushed. Because the way he said it, the tone of disbelief in his voice, as if he thought it was stupid to even hope...well, it made me begin to feel like it’s stupid to even hope that one day I’ll get a chance to meet the men that saved my life, even if it’s only for five minutes to get an autograph and a picture.

And then he told me that he’d only ever met the bands he liked once, by accident, when Queensryche stopped into a music store for some reason or another before a show in Chicago. And then had the audacity to tell me not to get upset.

Naturally, I was upset. I’m a teenager, so hormones running amok already don’t help my capacity to deal with emotions (and most situations), and the way he just dismissed that hope of mine like it was nothing more than the foolish delusions of a teenage fangirl? That hurt. A lot. So I kept twisting away when he tried to touch my shoulder, or repeat “don’t get upset” in my ear, crossing my arms and trying not to cry. I sulked in the backseat the whole way home, and when my sister asked me a question that I failed to answer because I didn’t want to snap at her and get yelled at, Dad was short with me. In effect, he said something along the lines of, “If you’re going to brood and get pissy every time I mention Black Veil Brides or concerts or whatever, I won’t let you go to any, ever.”

And that made me cry.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong. Usually my dad and I are on the same wavelength―a lot of my social anxiety and lack of toleration for People comes from him, as do my tendencies to be a loner in a group of friends―but lately every time he opens his mouth something comes out of it that hurts me.

And I don’t want to talk to him about it. I’m terrible at talking about personal things, and I’m afraid if I try and talk to him about this he’ll just dismiss it again and/or I’ll end up in tears, neither of which are favorable options. I don’t know what to do. I hate feeling like this, and I want my dad back...but how do I fix something when I don’t even know what’s broken?

If anybody has any advice...it would be greatly appreciated.

#long post #sorry i just #needed to rant #and i really do need advice #if anybody can help please comment or message me #personal

3 notes · View notes

sweetesttmarie · 4 months

Text

Throwback to when I saw Black Veil Brides during their headlining tour with VV. I must admit, I went there not knowing much about BVB, I grew up with a lot of friends who were/are fans of them. Mind y’all, I showed up ALONE to this concert, just me and my thoughts.

I also enjoyed the nostalgia, even though I didn’t grow up listening to them. To watch Black Veil Brides evolve overtime from Glam Rock to a more, fine-tuned, gothic energy. It’s almost like they “grew up” alongside with me.

It was intimidating at first going to this concert, because 90% of the fans that showed up were for BVB. I am a die-hard HIM/Ville Valo fan, but they were very respectful and didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. Different fans shared a lot of good times and how the band has helped them a lot through tough times as well. I as well, felt comfortable sharing my own stories in return.

I am forever grateful for the new memories I have gained from the companionships. I finally felt like I found a place where I belong.

If you saw me at the show, come hit me up! I tend to mask (I’m neurodivergent) in public situations, and tend to be and talk awkward because of it.

#bvb #bvb army #black veil army #concert #concert footage #loud volume warning #metalhead #alternative rock #rock music #concert review #tiktok

0 notes

pastryleclerc · 9 months

Text

📂

hello everyone! ✨️ below you will find the most important information about the author and the links to tagged games, etc. which will offer a little deeper view into the author's head (and life) 👀 if you wanna know more, you can always send me a dm or ask 🥰

name

i have a classic german name which i won't post publicly, but just call me anne or annie for short :)

age

at the time of writing this i am 21 years of age and i'll start my taylor swift year on december 12th 🎂

looks

i am a brunette girl with shoulder-length hair and green (and a hint of grey) eyes (side fact: i have the same eyecolor as charles leclerc and it's the rarest eye color), my height is 162cm or 5"3', i have three tattoos (bound to become more) and a lip piercing at the same place luke hemmings used to have his, i am absolutely not thin but i'm currently trying to loose weight 👩

job

i'm currently a trainee at our district administration in the system of the dual education (1-2 days of school per week and the rest in the office) with the intention to get my bachelor in public administration afterwards! 👩‍💼

places i've been to

the netherlands 🇳🇱, france 🇫🇷, italy 🇮🇹 and greece 🇬🇷 and - of course - germany 🇩🇪

interests

obviously f1 and football, but also: movies, tv shows, cooking, baking, singing (fun fact: i sing in our local choir), dancing, playing handball, playing tennis/badminton, hang out with my friends, going to parties/concerts/etc., travelling, reading, listening to music, swimming, riding the bike, inline skating, ice skating, talking about history (there's more that i can't think of right now but will definitly add) 💛

favorite movies/tv shows

movies: i will watch anything from marvel and dc, the golden age of barbie (aka the early 2000s-2010s movies), mamma mia 1 & 2, top gun 1 & 2, the m:i movies, dirty dancing, pretty woman, titanic, pearl harbor (judge me as much as you want i liked the movie), more that i currently can't think of - tv shows: hawaii five-0, gossip girl (og), pretty little liars, supernatural, desperate housewives (again, judge me as much as you want), bridgerton, more that i currently can't think of

football favorites

clubs: bvb and man city / players: basically all of the bvb squad, john stones, stefan ortega (my friend knows him lmao), christian pulisic, ben chilwell, cesar azpilicueta, kdb, erling haaland (there are probably more haha) ⚽️

motorsport favorites

charles leclerc, sebastian vettel (side fact: he's from the same state as i am), george russell, lando norris, oscar piastri, michael schumacher, daniel abt, nico hülkenberg - teams: ferrari (and mercedes, due to my family) 🏎

artists/genres i listen to often

first things first: i normally describe my taste in music as "everything i love" which is actually such a weird mix / artists: taylor swift, abba, katy perry, the weeknd, ariana grande, lana del rey, måneskin, dua lipa, 5sos, wet leg, wincent weiss, lady gaga - genres: musicals, indie, edm, house, pop 🎶

fun facts

we have a dog at home, my favorite animals are penguins, i have been to the first ever bvb vs. chelsea game, i've been to concerts of 5sos and wincent weiss, i like to build legos, i am an only child, i don't have a favorite season, there also isn't a color i don't like but i prefer beige pink and yellow, the glass is half full when you intentionally fill it up half way and half empty when you drink from it, my favorite quote is "even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise" from victor hugo's "les misérables", my english level is c2, my french level is b2, my spanish level is b1, i once had ancient greek in school, i hated the sciences (math, biology, science and physics), i'm bisexual ☀️

tagged games

error 404 page not found

#about the author #fun facts #movies #tv shows #actors #football #soccer #f1 #formula 1 #marvel #dc #pretty little liars #top gun maverick #music #taylor swift #german #barbie #bridgerton

0 notes

cantfeelmyfacebruh · 9 months

Text

(So before anyone delves into this, I want to make it clear that this has been something that has take a long time finish, mainly because I would be doing it and then thing “why?” So yeah… I started it if I remember correctly back in October of 2016… yeah, yikes. For those of you that know what this is about, and if your the person that this happens to involve (and I some what hope it is), then congrats, I guess I was never truly being myself, but instead hiding my true feelings and what feels like demons for the longest time… I hope this reaches the eyes that it should and if anything needs to see it. Well, enjoy… oh and excuse any grammar errors… I was always shit at writing things).

So where do I even start? I know you did these kinds of things all the time. Expressing yourself on these platforms was something I always knew you did do and in a way, it helped. Not just you but also me so I knew what was going on and I could keep an eye on you and your feelings. I guess I can start this from the very beginning, and I mean the VERY beginning. 2012, the week building up to the 24th March, what a week and time to be alive. As hyped as I was for the up coming weekend and the events that would take place, my interests and excitement I guess you could say we’re also else where. I guess you could say I was falling head over heels. The silly thing was that I didn’t know who you were, of course apart from your name and that she clearly was into the same band as was. I knew about you for a while, mainly thanks to my best friend. But I don’t think I ever truly told you when I first laid eyes on you. It was a couple of months before everything would happen. One non school uniform day I would just so happen to be passing by on the way to maths, (miserable I know). At the time I had my headphones in and was listening to BVB and had no clue of what was going on around me, not until then. I caught a glimmer of you… I recognised the girl that you were walking with as I knew her from being the year below in my primary school. I was just dumbstruck and completely forgot where I was and what I was doing. A second later my best mate would come up and noticed I was watching something and would ask me what I was staring at? I told him “nothing”. Of course he wouldn’t take that answer as a no and would continue to persist about what was going on, so I asked him,

“that girl your gf is friends with? Rebecca right?” He would continue to say “yeah, what about her?”

“Who was the girl next to her?”

“The shorter ginger one?”

“Yeah her!”

He told me your name and that you were that girl’s best-friend and that you two were practically sisters. But also, you would be going to Wolverhampton just like we were on the 24th! I couldn’t believe the things he told me. I went home that following day feeling strangely odd… Your name and face was all I could think about! It was driving me mad but I couldn’t say anything to anyone, mainly for the fear of being I guess shot down… doubt started to cloud my mind. Every time after that I would see you go by now and again it always felt like the day just got a little bit brighter with every pass. Then one day, on that week, I finally decided I needed to do something about this. One night I was just scrolling through twitter and wouldn’t you believe it, you came up as suggested follow (good ol’ twitter, forever reading people’s minds). Even though I already knew the answer as my friend had told me, I had to ask! Mainly because I didn’t know what the fuck else to say!! I asked if you were going to the concert on the weekend, and in a matter of minutes I had a response. I nearly passed out before I even read the damn tweet! I was terrified what it could say! But I could not have been more thrilled with the hat the answer was… Yes.

Through the week leading up to the concert we spoke often, mainly getting to know one another and having laughs. We exchanged numbers and added each tiger on pretty much every form of social media possible. My heart was expanding with given minute. One of my favourite memories was that I remember coming out of the B block at school and seeing you there with Becca. I glanced over at you and you were hiding behind her and bit her! I wanted to come over and finally say hi face to face and well, I guess sweep you off your feet. But of course as a typical me thing I just smiled and walked on by… The warmth from your smile is still something I feel even today, and it’s a memory that i could never forget. The night finally arrived and we were all hyped as the best night of our lives was about to happen. But what I didn’t realise was how good the this night would turn out to be! We got into our seats and the first thing I remember was scanning around the room looking for you and my mates gf. Took us a while admittedly but I blame that on the fact it was so damn dark I couldn’t even see what was printed on my shirt, let alone trying to find a group of girls in a hall of thousands! But eventually we did! We came racing over and my friend’s gf was thrilled to see him, but I was again locked in a stare… even today I hope it wasn’t too obvious because I felt like it was… eep… Then I noticed your father… Jesus I nearly went white… You all got up to go and get drinks at the bar and naturally we came with. Damn I was being such a goof… I swinging on the table we were all around and even got you to hit me over the head with a poster, and quite frankly I still feel that hit today! Was a hell a wack I give you that! But I didn’t know what else to do! I couldn’t talk for the fact I was completely dumbstruck again! So I just did whatever I could to make you smile and laugh hoping it was enough. That night, was truly one of the best nights of my life… and yet what if didn’t know at the time was that it was about to get even better. I knew when we had sat back down in our seats and could seeing you having the time of your life throughout the entire show, even to the end where we had a our group picture, this was love… I was in love…

The following day would be one to remember. Me and the friends that went to the concert before hand went out as we always did on a weekend, expect this one would be slightly different. Of course I was texting you at the time and decided that we would come find you and ask you to join us! I remember you saying that you couldn’t really leave the house so we all just sat outside on the green, listened to music, spoke about the night before and just all had a nice chilled time. Of course the day would carry on through and we ended up going in to your place and would end up watching Kerrang on TV. Then one by one everyone started to leave to go home, except me… You and your parents offered if I wanted to stay for some pizza and of grouse I just had to say yes! I remember sitting there awkwardly because I had no clue what to say! But the main thing I remember was watching you in the corner of my eye, I couldn’t stop… Later that evening I would of course go home and as always be messaging you. This was to be the night I finally would ask you that question. I remember asking you and you replied that you’d tell me after I had my bath (oh lord) as I was just about to hop in one. Not going to lie but that was the fastest fucking bath I’ve ever had, all because I wanted to know your answer. So many emotions were flying round inside of me. I was so nervous I was pretty much shaking and was terrified to look at the phone when you had given me your answer, but you said yes. I nearly passed out with amazement. I couldn’t find the words to describe the feelings that I had. The following Monday, walking to school my knees were shaking when walking from from my grandparents, I couldn’t contain the excitement that it was literally making feel like I forgot how to walk… I got to school and was with the others, waiting, looking around to see where you were, then all of a sudden, you were there… I couldn’t believe it. I had you in my arms and I had this feeling that I knew, somehow that the future was bright. The next few months would be the first of the best months of my life.

The things we did, I remember your birthday and going bowling, our first date seeing that terrible “horror” movie (that bastard dog in the film that nearly made me have heart failure…). Going down onto the Ham and in the gardens by the river, our first holiday where I still have the photo of us on the wall outside the Swan Inn, I can never not smile at the photo… it hurts… Our first mop fair, our first Christmas and new years and so much more, I could go on for so damn long… those following years would carry on to be some of the best of my life… I still remember your prom… how you looked and how I could never find the words to describe the feelings that were inside me at that time. My only regret was that I couldn’t join you like our friends could… or course there were ups and downs within our time together, was bound to be. But there was something about us, this sense of feeling that no matter what was thrown our way, we would always get though it hand in hand. Guess Parachute were right, forever and always… I truly had my Fallen Angel, My Sweet Blasphemy…

Many concerts, moments and happy memories later, this Rebel Love Song was a dream made true. However, like all dreams, at some point I had to wake up… Life was about to take a turn that I never expected or ever wished to have happened… For me it stated when I had gone to another college. The pressure for me was on and I had no clue how to handle any of it… In my idiocy I would get carried away with doing others things and spending time on other things instead of using it with you… and in the end it pushed you away, and the stupid thing is, I never knew… My stress started to build up, I could feel it rise with every week and eventually it snapped, I snapped. And then, I found out what was going on…

My world fell apart, my heart smashed and burnt till there was nothing but dust and ash… I tried everything that I could to fix it and nothing… You were gone… my world shattered, now remaining to never have existed… My soul was broken. The nights after everything had ended were the worst nights of my life. I would disappear for hours, on my own not knowing where to go. I would often end up down the Lower Lode by the river, I would walk past your place and throw the cemetery. It never bothered me being alone that late at night. This one night when I was sat on the benches down there, I was drinking and scrolling through my phone. Looking at all of our memories… I was about to do something I had never done before. I prayed… A short while after I knew no one would have head me. I felt this cold and burning hot sense rush through my body, and just broke down in tears and just dropped everything. A few short minutes passed by and I just look across the water and just saw black… I screamed. Rage consumed my body and I just screamed and lashed out at the world around me. My view on the world changed that night… no one heard me and all I felt was hatred. I hated myself, everyone around me, the world, you and most of all him… Even now the name of him makes my blood boil. My hatred made me even more destroyed… I was losing the very will to hang on. I decided that night that I wanted to die… I wanted to die. I had nothing to loose anymore. What is a life worth when there’s nothing in it?

After some time (a week or so) I decided that my bitterness wasn’t helping me through the days. I decided I needed to try and start putting my heart and life back together, though of course I would never truly succeed. My life was a wreck, I wouldn’t eat, I would not sleep. I was going into college and work looking like death (I’m sure you remember). I was pale as I never wanted to be outside for the fear of seeing you with him… That’s when I decided I would do the worst thing I had ever done, I would put on a mask. I started to hide my true feelings behind a fake face. Ah yes… the lovely happy go lucky goofy me… what a joke. And yet everyone fell for it. Everyone thought I had these strong feelings and clearly was able to push through all the shit that happened in the last couple of months. Little did everyone know though, I was still broken under it all. I would go to college and be the guy that everyone would love in class and made some amazing friends. At work everyone thought I was happy for you and knew a new horizon awaited me else where… When in actual fact only a few knew how I truly was feeling. Now I never knew whether if you ever saw it, but if you didn’t then well… you know now.

Things started to slightly change after March of this year. Of course I’m sure you probably know why and who I’m on about. Of course she had this effect on me that was amazing and helped me out of this vicious cycle of hatred and regret. Though it wouldn’t complete pick me back up, she did do wonders. Of course at this point you were still with him. But I started to do something I thought I would never be able to do. I started to forgive you… I started to realise my faults with how everything happened. And that if I had done anything about it then perhaps, maybe we would never have left each other. But it was too late… Now of course you know how things went for me. I was with her, and as you know I was off to see her this summer. Obviously as you know I had a great time and it really helped my soul. It gave me hope that things were getting better. But soon I would start to question what was happening with you. Things from what I saw it wasn’t going great… And yet I knew something was also bugging you. I remember you coming to me the first weekend I was back working. You came to me pretty close and said “your mum says your in love, is that true?” For a moment I was confused, I didn’t really know what to say to that? I was thinking why is she asking me this? I gave you your answer of “yeah, I think so” and you just stormed off… all day you would avoid me. I took me a while to figure it out but I never truly would know for certain, did you regret what happened? A while after I remember you would invite me out now and again to go to Spoons or even “have a catchup”. I knew why these things would be asked and once happened. Yes I would keep my eye on you, not to be creepy or anything bad, but because I still cared. The one evening we would meet up at Spoons and he didn’t know you were there. I was confused as to why we did this or what the motive was honestly. But something came to me that evening after I was home… those feelings I had thought that had subsided, that hadn’t gone… But what could I say? Nothing… and yet it’s nearly been a year since it all happened, what the fuck could I even have said? Like I said, nothing…

————————————————————————————

Jesus… it’s 2018 and I’ve stumbled on this! I guess I never did finish it. But then if I remember right, I never thought there would be a point. But then again, I guess I’m back now, so might as well continue.

So where do I start? Well I guess with that life has treated me alright I suppose since. The nightmares are more common but I suppose that’s something I’ve gotten use to over time. Probably a bad thing that I’ve been getting use to them honestly… But it’s brought me back some strange memories that, okay I will admit I have thought about now and again but no often (pretty much like once or twice every two months or so). These memories vary honestly, some are bad, some are good and some are just leave questions that honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get the answers too… The one memory that comes now and again is what you said that one night before it all ended… “A part of me will always love you… and maybe one day it’ll happen again.” At the time I held on to those words with every fibre of my being. I sometimes wondered if that was the reason I nearly tore myself apart to the point of complete self destruction. But at the same time it makes me wonder if you still perhaps mean that, or whether if you ever meant it at all…

For some reason people (friends, etc) still keep me up to date with how you are or that you’ve said something on Tumblr. I honestly wonder why people still tell me these things. Do they perhaps think I still care? Do they know? I thought I had it all hidden and had destroyed those feelings. I mean does anyone stop truly caring about things like that? Did you? Again a question that I’ll probably never get an answer too… When these people would tell me something about you’ve said of course I would look. Mainly because curiosity would over take me and I guess other reasons… I saw what you would write. I often wondered whether if you made these posts with the idea that perhaps I would see them. But it made things clearly (ish) to me. I saw what you wrote about seeing me in another relationship. How it made you feel and the pain it would cause. Was this because you’d till cared? Another was about never being on your own since you were 15 and fear of being alone was too much to handle. I won’t lie, I felt that… Others were about this guy that you loved so much and was scared of him hurting you again and again and it made me wonder who you were on about. Of course a part of me would make me think that you were on about, well… him… But then again I guess at the same time I probably didn’t really want know.

Another memory was not even from one of those “dreams”. It actually came to me because I was out long boarding not too long ago. Was just going around the lanes through and around town. Was nice really, just music, monster and wind flying on past me. And yeah, I went down the road past your house. Not really sure why but I guess it’s probably because of the slight slope that goes down, past the green. Pretty sick to go down not going lie, but the pot holes would make anyone else think otherwise. Speaking of which, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE GREEN?! ITS A DAMN CAR PARK!! I was just watching as I went past and I was like “woah…” Guess that shows how fast things change when you don’t really pay attention to them. Then again, I guess there was no reason to I guess.

———————————————————————————

Well safe to say that I forgot about this yet again… was scrolling through some old stuff trying to find something and came across this. I should really finish it… But at the same time what is there to say?

I guess it some cases I do want to say that.l, I’m happy. Not just with how things are for me but also for you. Now and again I bump into your dad and say hi, not sure if he ever mentions it but I guess that’s not for me to know. But I always tell ask how the family is, how your mum is and of course how you are. Congrats by the way. Guess I can’t say I’m surprised about you finally being a mother, but the same time I’m glad! You always were naturally amazing round kids.

I’m happy that you have found what you were looking for. You know, I do think to myself now again that those two Rebels are still out there somewhere. Causing mayhem, listening to music waaaaaayyy too fucking loud as always. Of course that’s all I wanted for you… I never wanted things to be sour, to be awful. Of course I know that I’m to blame for some of it… but I guess in the end it all worked out in the end… I guess, and well… hope.

Hope you found this, I don’t know, something I guess. I won’t be doing anymore to this… part of me doesn’t feel like it’s right but at the same time it also helps. Who knows, maybe I’ll post this one day. Guess we’ll have to see… But I will leave you with one other thing. Throughout all this time, I’ve had scars from all of this, cracks that will never disappear if I’m completely honest. But for the first time in a long time. I finally feel happy. Like those scars have finally healed. For sure yeah they won’t disappear, but hey, I guess that’s life. I’m glad you’ve found happiness, and so have I.

See you around…

1 note · View note