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writer-dreams · 4 years

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Obliviate (Draco Malfoy x Reader)

Hello everybody!!! This was a really popular one-shot from my ao3 account. Personally, I’m not a fan of it but people have been asking me to post it here, so here it is.

Random Fact: This was based on a true story that had happened to one of my friends. She actually asked me to write this so other people could see that they aren't alone in this fight. I was also really hesitant to post this one, though I'm not really sure why....

Prompt: Y/n wants to be seen as perfect by Draco. She pretends she’s happy and even starves herself to be ‘perfect’. In reality, Y/n is suffering. She is tormented in her nightmares and by the scars that line her wrist. She dares not tell Draco because she doesn’t want to be seen as a burden. Every time he notices that she is unhappy, she performs the Obliviate spell on him. What will happen on the day he finds out the truth?

House: You choose

Blood Status: You choose

Warnings: Self Harm (Graphic), Blood, Abusive Parents, Depressive thoughts, Eating Disorder (Starving yourself), Angst?

Note: Angst? In my opinion, this one-shot kinda sucks. The reader in this story is female / uses female pronouns.

Word Count: 3,151 words

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3rd Person POV

“Obliviate.” Y/n whispered, watching the wispy white spell shoot out from her wand and land onto Draco’s temple. The wisps then faded away and disappeared like some sort of apparition. She stepped back and looked up at Draco. His stormy grey eyes were clouded and unfocused due to having the memory charm performed on him. After a few moments had passed, his eyes cleared back up and he looked at her in surprise.

“Y/n? Love, what are we doing here? Last time I checked, we were…” He trailed off. His face scrunched up in confusion. “…I can’t seem to remember.”

Y/n smiled sweetly at him. “We were just about to go to the Astronomy Tower, remember?”

“Uhm…yes? Right! Let’s go to the Astronomy Tower!” Draco said, giving Y/n a light kiss on the cheek. She giggled as he took her by the hand and dragged her off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n knew this was wrong. She knew she shouldn’t be erasing her boyfriend’s memories. This was better for their relationship though. She should be the supportive girlfriend, the shoulder that Draco can cry on. She shouldn’t be the one with issues. She didn’t want to seem like the girlfriend who had tons of problems. She wanted to be perfect. The perfect girlfriend. For Draco.

She stood on the balcony of the Astronomy Tower, marveling at the beautiful sight of the landscape and Hogwarts. She sighed deeply, causing Draco to look over.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He asked.

“Hmm?”

“I know that face. Something is bothering you.”

“If you want to know, its going to take more than a penny to find out.” Y/n joked.

“Y/n, I love you. You know I’d pay any amount to know what’s making you unhappy.” Draco said, gently taking her hands into his. He pressed feather-like kisses against each knuckle.

“Nothing is bothering me. Don’t worry about it.” Y/n reassured.

Draco looked unconvinced but nodded anyway, seeing that she wouldn’t tell him anyway if he said anything else.

“If you say so. Come on, Love, it’s almost time for dinner.” He smiled a little, dragging her by the hand and towards the Mess Hall.

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Y/n stared at the empty plate before her. She couldn’t bring herself to eat. I’m fat anyway, this will help me. I need to be perfect for Draco. She noticed Draco sneaking glances at her worriedly. Ever since the Astronomy Tower, Y/n could tell that Draco was suspicious of something being wrong.

“I don’t want him to worry about me. He’s got his own problems.” She thought, shaking her head.

“Y/n, can I talk to you?” Draco asked, though his eyes told her that he would not accept ‘no’ for an answer. She sighed and nodded, following Draco out of the Mess Hall and into an empty corridor.

He then turned around and grabbed her shoulders gently. His grey orbs stared sternly into her (e/c) eyes. A serious frown was set on his face and Y/n knew he was upset.

“Y/n…” His voice was laced with concern, “Tell me what’s wrong, please. You’ve been like this since the Astronomy Tower and you haven’t even been bothered to eat anything. Whatever this is, its clearly hindering you from being happy and I want to help. I love you so much, and it hurts me to see you sad. Please…just tell me.”

Y/n sighed and she knew what she had to do. Draco was beginning to worry about her, and that meant she was becoming a burden. She quietly snuck out her wand from her pocket.

“Draco….you know I love you right?” She asked, tears starting to form in her eyes.

“Yes…of course I do. I love you too. So much. More than anything.”

“Then you’ll understand why I have to do this.” Y/n sobbed uncontrollably, she could no longer hold back her tears.

“Wait wha-“

“Obliviate.” Y/n said as she whipped out her wand and casted the memory charm on him. Once again, the jet of faded white light streamed from her wand and landed on Draco. His worried expression fell into a blank one and his eyes went unfocused again. Y/n searched through his memories, finding that he started worrying about her when they went to the Astronomy tower. She then proceeded to wipe that memory and everything that happened after.

When she was done, she stepped back and furiously wiped away her tears. A few moments passed and the charm did its job as Draco’s eyes lit up again and he shook his head lightly in confusion.

“Wha-What happened? I can’t seem to remember anything.” Draco looked at her quizzically.

“Draco, you were about to take us to the Mess Hall when you just froze and didn’t say anything. You really scared me there.” Y/n lied smoothly. Draco seemed to buy the lie because he took her hand lovingly and lead her back into the Mess Hall.

The two sat back down in front of Pansy and Blaise, seeing that their old seats were taken.

“So, where did you two go?” Blaise asked suggestively.

“Draco just wanted a little break from the noise.” Y/n shrugged. Draco wasn’t even paying any attention, he was too busy talking with Vincent and Gregory.

As it should be. He shouldn’t be worried about me, he should be carefree and not have to think about an unhappy girlfriend.

Y/n smiled at the sight but she still didn’t put anything on her plate. Pansy sighed and put some food on Y/n’s plate.

“I swear you’re trying to starve yourself sometimes.” She muttered.

Y/n didn’t say anything and slowly moved to stab the vegetables with her fork, making it seem like she was going to eat. Pansy and Blaise nodded in approval and turned away to listen in on Draco’s conversation, but they didn’t see how Y/n threw the food under the table when they looked away.

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“You stupid girl! How dare you disobey your father?! You know you’re not allowed to talk back!” Y/n’s father screamed, raising his hand.

Y/n cowered in the corner, afraid for her life. All she wanted was to send a letter to Draco…but her father caught her. He angrily reminded her that she wasn’t suppose to be out of bed after curfew. In the heat of the moment, she shouted back at him, immediately regretting it when she saw his enraged expression. She looked at her mother for help but she only saw her mother’s cold eyes staring at her as if saying ‘Don’t look at me, you deserve this.’

“You’re nobody! Nothing! You’re an absolute disappointment to this family! You’ll never be good enough for anyone because you’ll only ever be a burden!” Her father spat.

She screamed as her father’s hand struck her cheek. Pain exploded in her right cheek and tears rushed down her face. She gingerly held her cheek and furiously tried to stop the tears, her father would only be more furious if he saw her crying. He grabbed his belt from his waist and raised it. Y/n screamed again as the belt was whipped at her. She cried for somebody, anybody, to take her away from this hell but, of course, nobody came. This wasn’t some sort of fairy tale where the prince came to save the princess from a horrible situation. No….this was real life. No prince was coming to save her…..Draco couldn’t help her….. The belt was raised again and the buckle came rushing towards her…..

Y/n awoke suddenly, holding in the urge to scream when she noticed she was in her dorm room. She looked beside her and saw Draco sleeping next to her, his arms draped lightly around her and soft snores escaping his mouth. Y/n tried to smile at the sight, but the memory of her dream didn’t allow her to. Her vision blurred as she recalled that belt and her angry parents. She remembered the pain, the abuse and the hurt she had suffered. Even when her father couldn’t reach her physically now, he still haunted her in her dreams. Y/n suddenly found that she couldn’t breathe properly as silent sobs racked her body. Her thoughts became muddled and she couldn’t think straight. All she could see was that belt and her father’s fiery eyes. Y/n couldn’t take it.

The girl looked over at Draco sleeping peacefully. He didn’t seem like he was going to wake up anytime soon. She slipped out from his comforting arms and crept to the bathroom. Y/n slowly closed the door and pulled out her wand.

“Lumos.” She spoke softly as a low light shot out of the tip of her wand. Y/n then looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Most people would have seen a broken and traumatised girl in the reflection. They would see her tear-stained cheeks, her bloodshot eyes, her messy hair that closely resembled a rat’s nest, and her shaking body. Y/n however, looked in the mirror and only saw a disappointment. A useless girl. A waste of space. A burden. Y/n could swear that she saw the faint figure of her father standing behind her, whispering that she was nothing in her ear.

“Shut up…shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!! Shutupshutupshutupshutup!!!" Y/n screamed. She punched the mirror with as much force as she could. The glass shattered and large pieces of the mirror pierced her fist. Y/n was left breathing heavily, surrounded by broken shards of glass. Her fist was bleeding but she didn’t care.

“He’s right though….” Y/n thought. “I have to fix this. I can’t let Draco have a disappointment, a burden, a nobody as his girlfriend.”

She reached down and picked up a rather large and pointed shard of glass. The sharp object glinted wickedly in the low bathroom light. The girl exhaled shakily as she thought over what she was about to do. It had to be done. She needed to get these stupid thoughts out of her head. This was the only way she could relieve herself of the pain. Y/n rolled up her sleeve, revealing thousands of old faded scars lined on her wrists. She lightly placed the shard against her wrist, and softly pushed the sharp object into her skin. Beads of bright red blood sprouted from under the glass but Y/n couldn’t bring herself to care. She felt the depressing thoughts leave her head and fill with bliss. It didn’t last long though, the feeling faded quickly and left her yearning for more of that bliss. She lifted the glass piece again and dug it into her wrist, being careful that she didn’t go too deep. Blood was starting to flow from her wrists like a waterfall and pooling on the bathroom floor. Still, Y/n couldn’t stop this. It was like an addiction to the blissful escape each cut gave her, even if it only lasted for a second.

“Y/N?!?!” She heard a voice scream out in horror.

She turned around slowly, desperately hoping it wasn’t who she thought it was. Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on her side as Draco took a step back from the bathroom. His beautiful grey eyes were filled with fear and anguish, his face was much paler than usual and his mouth was opening and closing though no words came out.

Without a second thought, Y/n whipped out her wand. “Stupefy!” She chanted. Draco flew across the room and landed roughly on the bed. Y/n peeked over at Draco, who lay eagle-spread on the bed. He was breathing but he was unconscious. Seeing that he was safe, Y/n noticed the blood that was still dripping from her arms and onto the floor.

“Vulnera Sanentur.” She spoke, pointing her wand at her arm. The wounds immediately started closing and ‘knitting up’, stopping the blood and leaving ugly scars. Y/n then pointed her wand at the blood on the floor, “Scourgify.” The crimson liquid disappeared, leaving the bathroom floor spotless again. Finally, she waved her wand at the shattered mirror, “Reparo.” The pieces of broken glass were lifted off the floor and fit themselves back into the mirror like a puzzle. The cracks between the glass disappeared and the mirror was left looking like it was never broken before. Satisfied, Y/n exited the bathroom to deal with Draco.

She checked Draco for any visible wounds but found none. Tears sprung in her eyes again as she remembered how he got this way.

“Oh Draco…I only want to be perfect for you. As your girlfriend, I should be making it my priority to make you happy. You shouldn’t have to worry about me, you should be concerned only about yourself because I’m the girlfriend that doesn’t have problems. I am the one you can depend on to support you whenever you need it. I shouldn’t need you as a pillar. I refuse to become a burden to you, I’ll prove my father wrong.” Y/n sighed, placing her wand next to Draco’s temple, “Obliviate.”

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For the next few weeks, Draco had been continuously noticing that Y/n was not happy and that something was wrong. However, every time he brought it up, she’d wipe his memory so he would forget he ever saw it.

“Y/n, you’re looking unhealthily skinny. Have you been eating lately?” “Obliviate.”

“Y/n, there are dark bags under your eyes, when was the last time you slept?” “Obliviate.”

“Y/n, your grades are dropping…is there something wrong?” “Obliviate.”

Y/n, however, didn’t count on Pansy and Blaise to notice the change in her. The two noticed how Y/n was constantly tired. They noticed her lifeless eyes. They noticed how skinny she had gotten. They noticed how every time Draco pointed something out, she would take him outside for a few minutes and return with him seemingly forgetting what he had said earlier. The friends were getting suspicious, something wasn’t adding up. So when Y/n was bringing Draco outside after he had remarked that she was looking sad, the two decided to investigate.

They followed the couple out into an empty corridor of the school. They watched as Y/n pulled out her wand and pointed it at Draco.

“Obliviate.” Y/n said.

Pansy’s mouth dropped open in surprise. This is what Y/n was doing?! Wiping his memory?! Blaise was equally shocked but he had no words when Y/n lied to Draco about why they were in the hall. Y/n and Draco turned to go into the Mess Hall and the two quickly hid from their view.

“Zabini. You saw that right?” Pansy asked shakily.

“Of course. Looks like Y/n has been clearing Draco’s memory every time he finds something troubling her.”

“We have to do something. They’re our friends.”

Blaise nodded in agreement and the pair headed back to the Mess Hall, trying to think of a plan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Y/n arrived at the Mess Hall and sat next to Draco, who was conversing with Blaise. Her boyfriend turned around with a wide smile on his face. He embraced her in a tight hug and his arm accidentally lifted her sleeve a bit but Y/n didn’t notice. His smile faltered a bit when he saw the scars that lined his beautiful girlfriend’s arm. He then understood what Blaise was talking about. Even hugging her now, Draco could feel that her frame was much smaller than before. He released Y/n with a frown.

“Can I talk to you, Y/n?” He asked. She nodded and he led her out to a random hallway. He then turned around and gripped her shoulders. He looked up at her with tears in his eyes.

“Why?” Was the only word he could muster.

Immediately, Y/n knew what he was talking about and was about to pull out her wand when he stopped her.

“Please, Love. Don’t wipe my memory. I love you so much. Just tell me why you did this. Why did you go through so much trouble to stop me from seeing that you are suffering?”

“How…?”

“Pansy and Blaise told me what was going on. Now please, answer the question.”

Y/n lowered her head in shame and felt tears fall down her face. “I…I didn’t want to become a burden. My father always told me I was a burden, especially if I told others about my problems. I never wanted you to worry about me. I wanted to make it seem like I was the girlfriend you could depend on to never crack or fall. I just wanted to offer you the freedom of thinking about yourself and not have to wonder if I was feeling depressed or not. Then, I started thinking I wasn’t good enough for you. I started eating less and less everyday until it became routine to only eat a single apple a day. I’m sorry, Draco. All I ever wanted to be was perfect for you.”

Draco was taken aback. This was how she felt? He gently lifted her chin and wiped away her tears. He then pulled her against him into a warm hug.

“Y/n…you will never be a burden to me. Being in a relationship means we can depend on each other, not just one of us. You can always tell me what’s going on because I love you. You’re not weak or a bother if you tell somebody about your problems, you’re strong for being able to identify them, for being able to fight against them by finding trust in someone close to you. You are brave for reaching out for help. You are not a burden, a burden is something that drags people down, and you will never be that to me. You’re just carrying a burden and as your boyfriend, I will help you. As for your appearance, you don’t need to fix yourself. You’re already perfect to me, I wouldn’t want anything to change. I love you Y/n, you mean the world to me. It pains me to see you hurt and I promise I will be there for you whenever you need it. I just need to believe that you trust me enough to tell me what’s bothering you.”

Draco looked down at the sobbing girl in his arms. No, she could never be a burden. He smiled softly and tilted her face up before collided their lips together into a loving kiss. He wrapped his arms tighter around her waist while Y/n flung her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. There was no lust, only pure, passionate love. Draco wanted to show her that she could also depend on him and that he would always be there for her. Soon enough, the two broke away.

“I’m sorry, Draco. I promise that I’ll go to you if something bothers me. I promise I won’t keep it to myself anymore.”

“I promise to always be there to support you. I love you, Y/n…never forget that.”

“I promise.” Y/n smiled, bringing their lips together again for another kiss.

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Hello everyone! I just wanted to thank all of you for 600+ followers.

I’m sorry if this was triggering or really horrible to read. I am in NO way romanticising abuse, depression, or anorexia. If you are suffering from any of these, please take Draco’s advice and seek help. You can find your country’s suicide hotline here (http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines) or here (https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/) and you can find other helplines here (http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline). If you know any other ones, please inform me. Thank you for reading this story. If you have any requests, feel free to ask. Until next time.

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ntshastark · 3 years

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ok, I’ve finished watching it so here it goes:

Bridgerton final impressions

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Daphne: I love her!!!!!!!!! I loved her on the book and I loved her on the show. My only complain is..... The Scene........ The way they changed it up made it so they could’ve easily swapped The Scene for a confrontation. I guess they didn’t want Simon to be the only asshole of the two but then they never addressed how Daphne was wrong too??? They just use the Whistledown voice-over to basically say “oh she’s desperate so it’s understandable” and then kinda shift all the blame onto Violet - and, don’t get me wrong, her sex talk is shit and she should know it, but what Daphne did was already after Rose really explained her how sex really works, so ignorance isn’t really an excuse....

Simon: I love him!!!!!!!!! I loved him on the book and I loved him on the show. My only complain is how they handled his daddy issues arc’s resolution. Like, Daphne just tells him he doesn’t need to be perfect to be loved and! Just like that! He is cured! Childhood trauma? I don’t know her! They don’t even address the real problem, which is Simon going from living to please his father to living to spite his (dead) father, and the book just handled it SO WELL, I really don’t understand why they changed it in the show.

I hope Simon and Daphne don’t get brushed off to the side now that their book’s story is over. Simon and Anthony’s friendship still needs a little patching up; there’s the Will and Alice storyline that, if they choose to continue, Simon will likely be involved in; and Daphne is pregnant during Anthony’s book, so they can do something about that too, and maybe about her helping out Eloise during her first season... I know they won’t be the focus of the story ever again, but I just hope they keep showing up like ABC and E did on this season, and aren’t just mentioned to be doing their own thing off-screen like Francesca was.

Anthony: .......................................................Sigh. I don’t know who that incompetent, irresponsible, lovesick idiot is, but it’s sure as hell not Anthony. They literally took everything about his character, cut into pieces, made a nonsensical collage and called it characterisation. The real Anthony has an incredibly strong sense of duty and responsibility to both his title and his family, because he feels he has to do it as good as his father would - which, in his head, is perfection. He doesn’t skip and/or arrives late to important events because he’s fooling around with his mistress, and he wouldn’t just wave away his responsibilities to his brothers - especially because they are also his responsibility. The real Anthony cares deeply about the happiness of his siblings, and does everything to secure them the Happily Ever After he himself doesn’t believe he’ll ever have. He would never force one of them to marry someone they clearly despise, especially with no serious reason. The real Anthony was a rake who jumped from bed to bed without letting himself create real attachments, because he deeply believes he’s going to die young and can’t bring himself to make someone go through the same pain his mother did when his father died. He simply wouldn’t remain seeing a woman if he thought he was developing feelings for her - and that only changed when he was forced to marry Kate - and he definitely wouldn’t ask someone to run away with him when he’s finally free of society, jesus fucking christ what the hell even was that?????? And so they - knowing he was going to be next season’s protagonist, mind you - took all of the characteristics Anthony developed in the 10 years since his father’s death, largely because of Edmond - both in how he raised him and in how his death traumatised him - and said “hey, what if we make all of this happen in like 3 months, and be all about that opera singer he kissed once in the book!”

Violet: I love her, but I feel like they sacrificed a lot of Anthony’s character for her sake......... The Nigel thing is a great example of that: The way she solved it was amazing, but for that to happen they had to make Anthony cause the problem in the first place, which was so ooc it physically hurt. And the way she’s constantly reminding him of how much he sucks as a Viscount, and even straight up saying that his father would’ve been much better was icky tbh

Eloise: Loved how they explored her relationships with Daphne and Benedict - and the queen thing was funny - but that’s about it. She’s so incredibly entitled holy fuck. Combine the fresh-faced feminist who just learned the buzzwords and now thinks sexism is the single biggest plague to ever walk this earth with the spoiled rich girl who wants the entire world to bend to her whims and refuses to do anything she doesn’t want, and that’s how you get show!Eloise. But, tbh, I don’t really mind. She’s a teenager, that’s just how teenagers are. We didn’t really see that much of her before the time jump in the books, she has a long way to go until her story takes center place, and I’m perfectly ok with us watching how she becomes the woman we see in TSPWL. Basically, not that big of a fan of her characterisation, but she is in a spot where she can spend some time turning into the woman from her book - unlike Anthony :)). My big issue is actually how her going from vehemently anti-marriage as a teenager to happily married and with a bunch of kids as an adult is going to feed such a tired trope...

Penelope: I love her, obviously, but oh boy is she fucked. I agree very much with this post re: what she did to Marina. I guess, because LW was initially just a writing device to allow for exposition, the show is gonna go WAY deeper into how the things that happen to Penelope (and her being a teenager) affect what she writes, and into the consequences of doing what she’s doing, but honestly? They might have overplayed it...... I really don’t see how in the fuck they’re gonna make the ending of RMB work in the show’s universe - and I already thought the books glossed over the consequences way too much. So, uh. Good luck I guess.

(Also, I wonder what they’re gonna do about that heir cliffhanger. I just assumed Penelope was gonna do what she does in the books and find a way to give part of the Whistledown money to her mother. Gotta admit it never occurred to me that, with all the Featherington children being women and their father being dead, the title and what comes with it technically belonged to a uncle or cousin or something)

Marina: I fucking hate them for making me get attached to her knowing what’s gonna happen. This poor girl, jesus christ. And, ok, a lot of times she seemed rude and ungrateful but 1. Her situation was fucking terrifying and 2. She was suddenly thrown into this world of pampered, superficial, and naive girls, and that can test anyone’s patience. Also, yeah, the whole manipulating Colin thing was not cool, but, again, it was either that, an elderly likely-abusive husband, or a life of shame on the margins of society, so uhhh.

(Also, that scene when she said she would love for her, Penelope and Eloise to be sisters........ And I thought Eloise becoming Oliver and Amanda’s mother couldn’t hit me any harder......... Imagine an AU where George survived and he and Marina get married and Eloise marries Philip and Penelope marries Colin and they’re all sisters-in-law to each other and I cry my eyes out)

Colin: Gotta be honest with ya, chief... I don’t think he passes the sexy lamp test. Missed his and Daphne’s special relationship, missed his love of food, missed his sense of humour... At least he and Penelope were cute. I’m actually already shipping them more in the show than in the books.

Benedict: I think they’re trying to mirror him being in a relationship with a woman of no status (now Genevieve, then Sophie) with being gay and hmm. Really not sure about it. He does seem bicurious to me but I think they’re hesitant to give him an arc focused on exploring his sexuality when we know his love story is gonna be with a woman (but then again, they weren’t afraid of giving Anthony an arc about having a relationship with a woman of no status when we know his love story is gonna be with a perfectly respectable one, so *shrugs*). Once again, very glad they decided to make him and Eloise so close from the get-go. It’s going to make that scene on TSPWL where Benophie’s son gets sick so much more meaningful and painful, I can’t wait.

Siena and Genevieve: They’re both amazing women with an incredible friendship. Benedict and Genevieve have the relationship I was hoping Anthony and Siena would have, from the trailers.

Francesca: Glorified cameo. Disappointing. I know she doesn’t show up much in the books other than her own, but that should just have been seen as an opportunity to do whatever they wanted with her! Not make her disappear for 6/8 episodes! Hope they show more of her on the next season.

Gregory and Hyacinth: They’re baby. The scene where Gregory makes both Anthony and Simon fall on the water should’ve been there. Loved Hyacinth acting like she’s Simon’s BFF. Loved that they cut Hyacinth’s “wait for me” scene bc it reminded me too much of my annoying little cousin and made me not like her for the longest time.

Lady Danbury: 10/10. Please hit me with your cane. Am currently entertaining the idea of having her and Violet get together.

Barry B. Benson: A cold-blooded murderer

Overall: This didn’t fit into any character, but oh god........... the lack of chemises............ But I loved the show, even if some things annoyed me, and I can’t wait for season 2 AND MY GIRL KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#spoilers #bridgerton spoilers #the bridgerton spoilers #f: the bridgertons #s: bridgerton #t: talk post #mari rants

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buildarocketboys · 5 years

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Books read in 2018

It's been a pretty good year for reading for me, and I actually kept a list of all the books I read, so I thought I'd make a list and write a mini review about each one. I've read 22 (and a half) books this year in full - this doesn't include any that I just started, or have read bits of.

1. When The Moon Was Ours by Anna-Marie McLemore

Magical realism + gay and trans characters! Pretty great although I wouldn't necessarily read it again. Mostly read in lunchtimes at work.

2-4. LOTR trilogy by J R R Tolkien (started somewhere between 17 and 29 March) (first book finished 4 April) (finished 30 May)

Dates on this one as I spent most of the first half of the year reading the Lord of the Rings. The Fellowship of the Ring was almost certainly my favourite, got a bit bored towards end of Two Towers/start of Return of the King, and the long descriptions and battles (and long descriptions OF battles) are something I generally prefer to do without. But they're really good books with a lot of cool (and gay!) stuff in them, and though the films don't include everything from them, they're pretty damn good adaptations. (I only wish the films had kept Beregond).

5. The Inescapable Logic of My Life by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

By the author of Aristotle and Dante, I actually can't remember much of this book, I remember it being pretty good though. It may have made me cry?

6. Cloudbusting by Malorie Blackman (REREAD)

Easily the shortest book here, this book used to make me cry. It's a simple story told through different types of poetry, but it's so beautifully done. Didn't make me cry this time sadly, but still good. Read it sitting by the river taking a break from working on a job application.

7. Nation by Terry Pratchett (REREAD)

I reread this pretty much every year (I found myself a few weeks back wanting to reread it again) and it's brilliant every time, enough said. Think this is the only Pratchett novel I've read this year, which is a shame. Thoroughly recommend it though, even though it's not part of Discworld.

8. And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

Bought this from a stall in Bristol, at the time it was the only one of his I hadn't read. It was one of those novels I just ploughed through, really quickly. Really good, really sad (and a gay character where you least expected it).

9. Wicked by Gregory Maguire

Borrowed this from my girlfriend after having seen the musical in May. The book is...really weird, but really good. A lot more of an obvious dystopia than the musical is, right from the get go pretty much and Elphaba is an icon - grumpy, traumatised, irritable, angry, hopeful, guilty, revolutionary. I love her. Oh, and her and Glinda are still really gay.

10. Harry and the Wrinklies by Alan Temperley (REREAD)

Now we come to the books I reread in August when I had some time off work. Harry gets orphaned and is sent to live with his elderly relatives and their elderly friends (hence the title). Little does he know, they're all ex-cons and pretty much modern day Robin Hoods. Also, badass. Still a great book, even if it's technically for kids. I need to reread the sequels sometime.

11. Maximum Ride by James Patterson (REREAD)

Edgy as fuck but I still kind of love it. Ngl the younger kids and Iggy are a lot more fun than Max and Fang though.

12. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (REREAD)

This one I reread every couple of years or so. One of my favourites, the way the non-chronological (by design and necessity) plots works so well, in both building and retaining suspense, the prose is beautiful (if a little pretentious at times), the characters are...mostly kind of dicks, but in a real, multifaceted kind of way. I kind of love all the references to various books/authors/bands, even if it is kind of pretentious. I discovered Rilke through this book. Jeder Engel ist schrecklich.

13. Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

Read this a little while after seeing the film. Obviously they changed a fair amount, but I love them both. Really easy to read in about a day.

14. Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli

Read this on the same weekend as Simon. Loved it a LOT. I relate to both Leah and Abby a whole lot and it just felt so real to the experience of being a (bi) teenage girl. Wish there'd been a bit more to the ending maybe? But maybe that's just me being greedy. Still trying to persuade @judasisgayriot to read it. This might well be my book of the year.

15. Vox by Christina Dalcher

After I finished Leah on the Offbeat I was looking for something else to read. Picked this up in Waterstones because it sounded like an interesting concept for a dystopia (women are only allowed to say 100 words a day - if they say more, they get electrocuted by a bracelet attached to their wrist). The main character is white, straight and middle class, so that's definitely the majority of the experience we get to see, but there is some examination of being gay and/or a poc in this dystopian culture. Overall an interesting examination on how language can be used as a weapon, and to control people. A Handmaid's Tale with a difference and (spoiler!) a happy ending.

16. The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli

I didn't get/read this one at the same time as Leah and Simon because I was put off by how het it sounded, lol. The main character is straight (afaik) but it's still a pretty great book and she's pretty relatable.

17. My Mum Tracy Beaker by Jacqueline Wilson

Tracy Beaker all grown up! As told through the eyes of her (much quieter and less troublesome) daughter. Pretty great and interesting to see Tracy all grown up but still very much Tracy. Lots of drama and Justine Littlewood ruining everything as usual. Complete with an implausible happy ending (but it's great anyway, and tbh we all need those sometimes). Also, Cam is a #confirmed lesbian.

18. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (REREAD)

I'm not sure how many times I've reread The Book Thief now, but it must have been at least ten. I reread it at least every year but often it's been more than that. Still amazing, obviously, but I dunno, I didn't feel as into it this time? I didn't cry (for the first time ever!) while reading it, although that might have been because I read it at work. Mostly I was reading it to prepare for Zusak's new book, which I got for Christmas.

19. Holes by Louis Sachar (REREAD)

First time I've reread this since high school, and it's still brilliant. 'Nuff said.

20. The Bi-ble: An Anthology of Personal Narratives and Essays about Bisexuality edited by Lauren Nickodemus and Ellen Desmond

Bought this from Gay's The Word when I was in London back in May, only got round to reading it in December. Some really good stuff in here, I related hard to a lot of it (and not so much to other parts). Recommended reading for anyone who's bi or wants to understand more about bisexuality.

21. Call of the Wild by Guy Grieve

I picked this up on a whim from my pile of unread books because I wanted something to read before I got new books for Christmas. (Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I only finished it on Boxing Day). Really interesting, I'm so fascinated by life in very cold, harsh, unforgiving places (only partly because of the wolves) and this was a really interesting true story of how a guy (called Guy) from Scotland manages to build his own cabin and live out in the wild of the Alaskan Interior through the Winter.

22. Combat Magicks by Steve Cole

A Doctor Who novel (the first of three I got for Christmas!) and the last book I read in its entirety in 2018. At the site of a battle between the Romans and the Huns (which is why I chose it first, sounded really cool), so-called "witches" manipulate everything both sides do. Surprise! They're aliens. The Doctor calls Yaz her bestie a lot and it's adorable. Ryan gets a girlfriend who stans the Doctor (she's basically part of Roman Torchwood and she's awesome). Graham has a bath with a witch (well, nearly).

Currently reading:

Eat Up! by Ruby Tandoh

I'm about half way through this, so it doesn't quite count as a book I read in 2018, but I thought I should include it. Anti-diet culture, embracing food for what it is, everything it is, while examining the different things (gender, race, class) that affect our relationship with food.

#books #bookblr #Read in 2018 #long post

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newtonsheffield · 2 years

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No shade to Violet - she is of course a single mother and in that time no less but I can’t help but feel that she has paid attention to everyone but Anthony - who would have required it the most

A huge contrast between the Sharmas and Bridgertons would be how much attention Mary paid to Kate especially knowing that she would need it and it feels like in Anthony’s case it was quite the opposite

I also feel that Kate would open Violet’s eyes to how truly anxious and lonely Anthony is which is why more than anything else even the Bridgertons will be able to see that Kate clearly is the better match meant for Anthony

I have to be careful here because last time I discussed this: I got in trouble, and I think I articulated myself poorly, so I'm going to try again.

Anthony and Violet have a... complex relationship and I don't think either of them are completely to blame for it.

Violet's husband died and left her with eight children. I think it's reasonable to assume, given what we know that she was fairly depressed around this time, especially given that she had a very traumatic birth with Hyacinth.

Anthony was eighteen, we know this, and suddenly a Viscount, and I think two things happened in the aftermath of this:

1. Anthony shouldered the responsibility of his family. I'm not saying he did it well, in the show he's clearly struggling. And He's stuck in his grief. He's stuck at the emotional development he had when he was eighteen. In that kind of toxic masculinity that he's using to be obeyed as Lord Bridgerton because he doesn't feel like he's doing a good job so he's over compensating in this terrible way.

2. I think, initially, it was easier for Violet to just let Anthony be Lord Bridgerton. To let her separate herself just a little from the fact that that was her child, and he'd had a traumatic experience as well (Though I'm not sure Violet realised exactly how traumatised Anthony was by it until she happened across him in the garden with Kate). Like I said, Violet was going through a lot. Her husband, who was young died suddenly, she was heavily pregnant, seven children and another on the way, and an entire estate to manage. And she's stuck in her grief as well. Her and Anthony are a little the same that way.

I also think the likelihood of Anthony having gone to Violet and saying Hi Mum, I'm really struggling with the death of my father and I have a severely crippling fear that I'm going to go the same way is 27 billion to one.

They've placed themselves in this relationship that's almost co-dependent in a way. Relying on one another sometimes but not others. Violet makes some curious comments to Gregory in On the Way the The Wedding. I noticed in my last reread but I won't get into that now. I think Violet just wants Anthony to be happy, but I don't think she realises the extent of his trauma. Because he won't let her.

I don't know if Mary's a better mother than Violet, and I don't think there's any need to compare them. I don't think that does any good. They're mothers, and mothers don't need to be perfect. They make mistakes like everyone else on the bloody planet.

But let's not forget that Kate doesn't seek comfort from Mary either when she needs it. She hides in her room and shakes and cries because she thinks she should be better than this. And I think that's one of the ways Anthony and Kate are so well matched.

They're both sort of very independent people by necessity, and they realised that sometimes sharing the burden and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person is a beautiful thing, and they heal with one another. Anthony doesn't magically get fixed by Kate's presence. He decides he doesn't want to be trapped by this anymore. That he wants to live his life and love his wife and be happy. And Kate decides the same. Not for one another but because of one another. They saw that life could be different and they wanted it.

Anyway, I've gone off one a bit of a tangent I think, but I do think Violet will notice a marked difference in Anthony around Kate, and I hope they have a very healing conversation about Edmund.

#bridgerton season 2 speculation #anthony bridgerton #violet bridgerton #kathony #anthony x kate #kate sharma #molly's asks and answers

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starliightxo · 3 years

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SECRETS (females)

Olivia Barham (NEW)

Olivia was due to start St Judes as soon as she was old enough. She auditioned hoping to model, just like her sister. However, during the audition process (tw) she was touches inappropriately by one of the professors. He was significantly older than her. Olivia is strong, but this threw her completely. She was told if she wanted to be a model she had to learn to take that and more, and learn to keep her mouth shut. She didn't. She told her then boyfriend Louis and between them, they got this professor fired. But olivia didn't return, she was lowkey too traumatised and to this day refuses to acknowledge the incident.

Holland Smith

Originally her secret was that Haley is her daughter but that slowly got revealed. Now her secret is more that after her (tw) rape, she fell pregnant and told no one but decided (tw) to get an abortion without knowing 100% if it was Gregory's or Adrian's. Adrian knows half of this atm though but she still wouldn't want anyone else to know.

Mallory Shaw

From a young age, Mallory, her mother and a couple of her older sister's were (tw) physically abused by their alcoholic father. But nobody got it as bad as Mallory thanks to her loud opinions and her inability to know when to stop talking. She spent years sofa surfing and avoiding home but even now she lives with danica, she can't avoid it forever. She still visits her mum and sisters if they go back there for holidays and birthdays etc. So it's very much still an on going thing. She's the only one out of her sisters who is still in town so her mum has kind of become her responsibility too. Even though her mum is also becoming an alcoholic and although isn't physically abusive, she's a lot more emotionally abusive.

Felicity Calloway

Felicity is a sex addict, undiagnosed out of pure fear, but deep down she 100% knows that's what's wrong with her. She craves it and no matter how happy she is with someone, she always strays and cheats. If she's in the mood and can't get hold of her boyfriend or fwb, she will literally take it from anyone at all. She has no standards when it comes to sex, despite her high standards for love and relationships.

Everleigh Adams

Everleigh was left at a fire station when she was on me a few days old by her birth mother. She never met her birth mother and doesn't plan to but she knows she was abandoned (tw) because she was the product of rape. It's not secret she was abandoned but the reason why is something everleigh will never say. She shares the face of a rapist, knowing full well she looks like him and nothing like her mother, she's ashamed.

She also suffers (tw) with major epilepsy, many standard things can trigger a seizure. Mainly tiredness and stress in her case. But considering how out of control she feels when it happens and how it scares people, she quickly stopped telling those around her. Especially after she was given up by various foster families and sent back into care when they decided they couldn't cope after she'd blacked out.

Gisele Collins

After her parents were killed in a car accident that happened after someone ran their car off the road and disappeared into the night, Gisele took it upon herself to track down this person and seek revenge. (Tw) She killed him in a hit and run and was never even considered a suspect.

(Tw) she also has a severe alcohol and drug dependency. Many ate surely suspicious but none enough to do anything about it. She's gotten away with it for so long, always fobbing it off as a bit of fun and nothing serious. But she's had a few close calls with (tw) her life due to being too heavily intoxicated. She's very good and fast and brushing it all under the carpet though.

Riley James

(Idk if it was ever officially discovered but I'm re-secret-ing it lmao) (tw) During her previous time at St Judes, riley was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder, exactly like her mother she'd grown up looking after. She didn't see it coming and was embarrassed in a way. People already labelled her as "crazy" the last thing she wanted was to give them solid proof of that. So she hid it from everyone.

Alexandria Cortes

Lexi shares a secret with Flo, without flo knowing. Lexi was approached by a fan (Esme) and shown flo's sex tape. Now she's being blackmailed for various things in order to keep her cousin's secret a secret and she's prepared to tear herself apart to do so.

Kendall Carmichael

Originally kendall's secret is the fact she's the only person in the world who knows that her older brother Austin (tw) has taken his own life. It was her fault he was banished from the family after she outted his sexuality. Her old fashioned parents shunned him and he disappeared. It was only Kendall who received a letter from Austin explaining he was going to take his own life. She hasn't told a soul, knowing full well it's down to her. The family and world think he's simply disappeared to start again.

Currently while trying for a baby with mason, they've both (tw) been struggling to conceive. After a doctor's visit it was confirmed that Kendall was essentially the issue. She was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. It wasn't impossible to conceive for her but it's was very unlikely she wouldn't and she's suffering big time because of it.

#saved #secrets

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buyayurvedicproductsonline · 5 years

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CURCUMIN TEA - IMMUNE BOOSTING TEA

Immune system comprises of not a single cell or a single organ but is made up of billions of cells and multiple organs of human body. The cells that provide immunity travel with your blood and move in and out of various tissues and organs and defend your body against the invasion of foreign bodies and microbes. Many cells in the immune system also protect you against the development of cancers. The immunity enhancing cells and organs act as posted police men on various sites of the body. These police men find the invading pathogens as robbers of good health and try to kill them there and then. But many pathogens manage to cross various lines of defence and deteriorate health. It is claimed by many experts that immune cells fail to function properly when body remains under persistent stress. Nearly 90% of all diseases and illnesses are a result of stress experienced on physical and emotional self. Therefore, eliminating or modifying stressful factors in your life is important to protect and assist the immune response.

High stress levels can also lead to depression and anxiety, which again lead to higher levels of inflammation. Even acute stress also increases levels of pro- inflammatory cytokines i.e. molecules which are responsible for causing inflammation. When these symptoms of depression and anxiety persist for a long time due to high stress levels, your immune system gets over worked and over tired. With uncontrolled stress levels, chronic inflammation can progress to develop into chronic diseases such as arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, psoriasis, inflammatory bowel disease, heart diseases, and type2 diabetes. Disturbance in immune system due to stress can also contribute to various forms of cancer and mental decline.

Chronic stress is also responsible for activation of latent or dormant viruses. Activation of latent virus can result in loss of immunological control over virus, and frequent activation of virus can cause wear-and-tear on the immune system. However, these immune responses against stress can vary for each individual. People who have faced an early difficult situation or adversity are likely to exhibit exaggerated immune reactions to stress. Levels of stress not only affect your health but also your longevity. In an editorial article in frontiers in Immunology in February 2019, it has been stated that the relationship between stress and immune system is bidirectional and can affect each other in ways which may be hard to express in words. If the immune system is compromised, you cannot cope up with physicochemical stresses i.e. stresses pertaining to physical and chemical processes. When stress exceeds the normal compliance of immune system, there may be development of disease states and fatal conditions. Even focal stressful events in life such as loss of a loved one or a spouse, a major natural disaster that has affected emotional and personal sphere can give rise to a series of challenges to your immune system.

Traumatic injuries that lead to physical disability, catering to a spouse who is mentally and physically traumatised, being a refugee of war can create chronic stress on your body which can in turn leave your immune system stressed. In American Psychology Association, psychologist Janice Kiecolt – Glaser, PhD, and immunologist Ronald Glaser, PhD, of the Ohio State University College of Medicine studied medical students from 1982 to 1992. They found that immunity of medical students went down each year even under the simple stress of three-day exam period. They found that medical students who appeared for test had fewer natural killer cells i.e. the cells that are parts of defence system that fight tumours and viral infections. Those students almost stopped producing immunity-boosting gamma interferon. The infection – fighting T-cells responded weakly to test tube stimulation. In short, the functioning of immune cells declined under a stress as normal as exam stress. These studies were further followed by various researches including research by Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, of the University of Kentucky, and Gregory Miller, PhD, of the University of British Columbia. In their research activities, even they found that long-term or chronic stress, through too much wear and tear can devastate your immune system. Another study reported that even chronic, sub clinical mild depression may suppress an older person’s immune system. In one of the analysis, it was found that the duration of depression affected the immune system more than the severity of depression.

Therefore, to keep the effects of stress on immune system as minimal as possible, Preserva Wellness has specifically designed an herbal curcumin tea known by the name of Immune Boosting Tea among its wide range of ayurvedic herbal products. It has herbs which upgrade the constituents of the immune system and their functions. Moringa leaves, hibiscus, Tulsi leaves, lemongrass, Ashwagandha, rose petals, black pepper, and curcumin from turmeric in this herbal curcumin tea are potent enough to protect your immune system from any emotional and mental stress. Immune Boosting Tea is a better version of a turmeric tea and to deal with the other effects of depression and stress, it can be taken along with another pure curcumin supplement by Preserva Wellness, known by the name of Stresaway Tablet.

Stresaway Tablet has herbs like gotukola with curcumin which can treat depression and can enhance the body’s way to deal with stress. Coming back to Immune Boosting Tea, we find that with its better composition, it is way more effective than a normal turmeric tea. Moringa present in the tea is considered an adaptogen and helps in increasing resistance to stress, whether the stress is physical, chemical, or biological. Moringa in this curcumin supplement helps to bring back the body into balance and assures that stress does not interfere with the body’s normal functions. When body is under stress, it is more likely to suffer from recurrent stomach infections such as diarrhoea and respiratory infections such as cold, cough.

The contents of immune boosting tea make it rich in many vitamins and minerals, including vitamin C which enhances the fighting capability of your body against infections. Therefore, Immune Boosting Tea and Stresaway Tablet make for a combination of pure Ayurvedic herbal products which can deal with effects of stress and depression and at the same time, can enhance body’s immune system.

GET IN TOUCH WITH PRESERVA WELLNESS AYURVEDIC PRODUCTS

VISIT: https://www.preservawellness.com

#supplement #curcumin supplement #tea #curcumin tea #turmeric tea #immune boosting tea #preserva wellness #ayurvedic herbal product #best ayurvedic products online #ayurvedic products online

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uacboo · 7 years

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I have been reading a lot recently about how models are treated really badly. I thought this had been sorted out ages ago. -Charles, by email Yes, mysterious, isn’t it? Rather like how we sorted out that fashion magazines were no longer going to feature skinny models. And yet here we are again, with models complaining about how horrendously they are treated, and magazines not exactly lacking in visible hip bones. Huh. It’s almost like the fashion industry … just doesn’t care? Let’s unravel this story one grim revelation at a time. In a long post on Instagram last month, the respected fashion show casting director James Scully wrote about specific instances of the fashion industry being, for want of a better phrase, a massive dick. Along with the usual depressing stories of racism, with one label allegedly refusing to audition any models of colour for their show (they responded saying the claim was “completely untrue”), Scully called out Balenciaga’s casting directors, Maida Gregori Boina and Rami Fernandes, whom he described as “serial abusers”. Boina and Fernandes, Scully wrote, left 150 models in a dark stairwell for hours at a time, leaving many “traumatised.” Boina and Fernandes have firmly denied these claims, although models Judith Schiltz and Mollie Gondi posted comments on Scully’s post verifying some of his accusations. Balenciaga has said that they are no longer working with Boina and Fernandes and apologised to modelling agencies, but Gondi wrote, “The apology to the agencies from the fashion house is laughable because the agents have known this for years and don’t think twice because they want their girl in the show.” Meanwhile, in Australia, a news programme screened last week in which one model, Victoire Dauxerre, was asked if she thought a woman could be a successful model without having an eating disorder. “No,” she replied. “I felt like I needed to shave a bone off. I didn’t know how to get smaller,” another model, Edyn Mackney, said. “It is like the only ideal of beauty today is to be skinny”. Let’s deal with the skinny stuff first, again, because fashion is basically just Groundhog Day, with the same trends and issues coming round and round and round, driving a lady to do a lot worse than throw a radio playing Sonny and Cher at the wall. It’s not “like the only ideal of beauty today is skinny” – that is literally the only ideal of beauty, and it doesn’t matter how many times Karlie Kloss poses with her kookies (geddit?!?!?) in front of her thigh gap, or how many condescending articles fashion magazines run with plus-size model Ashley Graham (she’s not skinny – but we accept her! Like a weird pet!). Emma Thompson reiterated this point last week when she said, “Actresses who are into their 30s simply don’t eat.” Some newspapers said Thompson “revealed” this insight into Hollywood, but the only people who could have found this to be a revelation had to be as blinkered as Aaron Sorkin, who recently professed himself to be amazed “that women and minorities have a more difficult time getting their stuff read than white men”. The man might be able to walk and talk but apparently not look and think. Thin is in, and that is not changing. And extreme thinness is still equated with the ultimate aspiration in too many people’s minds, especially in the fashion industry. The only thing we, the public, can do about it is not to buy from labels that use extremely skinny models in their adverts and shows, and write to them to tell them this. Fashion labels can ignore well-intended if woolly edicts from politicians and even fashion magazine editors. But they never overlook a missed sale. As to the actual abuse of models, stories of high-end models demanding tens of thousands to get out of bed, or throwing their jewelled mobile phones into the brains of cowering minions, have given the public the idea that models are all pampered divas. But news that 99% of models are treated like expendable dairy cattle will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been on a fashion shoot or to a show. As one young woman put it in a recent survey about how models are treated, “We have a job that millions of girls would kill for, so we should be happy with what we’re doing, even if it has a dark and sadistic side to it.” That pretty much sums it up, and it’s an attitude many other young people working in similarly much-desired professions – pop music, acting, even certain kinds of journalism – will recognise. It’s pretty telling how little people talk about the abuse models have repeatedly said they suffer, focusing instead all their outrage on how models make them feel. And the reason for that is pretty obvious: people see models as mean girls, deliberately making us sadface with their skinniness, as opposed to thinking about what goes into making these images. When stories like Scully’s come out, people say, “Well, why don’t these models just get different jobs?”, as though modelling were a lighthearted hobby for silly little girls and jobs grew on trees for young women. That models are treated so badly by the industry is an indictment of fashion; that the public is so uninterested in these stories is damning proof that most people are as bad as the fashion industry at failing to see models for what they are: vulnerable young women. Source: The Guardian

#fashion models #fashion industry #fashion magazine #eating disroders #abuse in fashion industry #emma thompson

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