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trynafindbarbiee · 1 year

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VOID SUCCESS STORY <3

TW : Abusive family, bullying, suicide attempts!

Before I go straight into my success story I wanna THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart you are my fairy Angel and I love you more than anyone else bestiee :)

I'm sharing this here so everyone can see this

It's been so long since I've joined loa community but I always failed to manifest Consciously , I would constantly look for the 3D to change and I literally wasted years to learn how to manifest when it's the most easiest thing in the whole universe. Then luckly I came to know about the void state but I kept on failing I was unhealthy obsessed with the void with this my mental health became even worse I started to feel like not living anymore. I felt anxious very often, then one day I decided to end my life because things were getting terrible everyday. I attempted suicide and it failed and then the very first thing someone told me after this was "it failed because you deserve to live, you deserves the best, you deserves the world" And guess who it was! SHE WAS MY FAIRY ANGEL 🥺 YOU! MY BESTIEE <3 I'm very thankful to have a friend like you

What I've learnt over time is that these feelings are definitely not permanent and this too shall pass YES it hurts and survival feels difficult but the hope I got from my bestie (Barbie) throughout my recovery process is just unmatched, unexplainable especially for someone like me who keeps thinking that things will never get better. At the same time I was living in a abusive household I was being hated by my parents, friends, neighbours And one day IT'S nowhere near as bad as what you'll get, but my mom had a small amount of narcissist in her. SHE HELD MY HAND OVER A GAS STOVE because as an 15 year old I wrote something that she disagreed with in my journal. I experienced violence with my mother and father beating each other. Seeing drugs being used and knowing that there was something bad and wrong. I also seen my mother having sex with other men and once heard her having sex and I thought she was being beaten.As I got older, I began questioning her medieval methods. Whenever I brought it up, She would always say that she did it for my own good, or that she was showing me how the real world was like. As a baby, I was ferberized. I was sent to a daycare from the moment I could walk. My mother would often punch and slap me in the face, and so I developed a reflex where I put my hands near my head in defense if anyone raises their hands. I have been bullied and ridiculed.

I have overconsumed info to a point where I even started doubting bloggers and loa but then I met my fairy Angel, my life, my bestieeeee 🥺💗 Everyone, let me tell you all of you one thing that she's a real life Angel I swear! She was there with me when my own family was against me, she helped me through my toughest times, she never let me down, she took care of me like a big sister. I'M BLESSED TO HAVE A FREIND LIKE YOU CUTIE PIE <3! we started journey together and she entered the void but I was still struggling. When she messaged me telling that she did it I literally jumped out of my bed and cried, cried and cried I WAS SO HAPPY FOR HER. I got superrrr motivated after that so I took her advice and tried to enter the void once more but I still failed, I didn't enterbut she kept me motivated . She showed me the things and her mansion that she manifested so that I don't doubt void anymore and I'm so grateful to you for that . She told me to try to wake up in the void instead of entering I again listened her and tried and guess what! SHAMEFULLY I again failed , I was giving my power to a method, I didn't realize how powerful I AM.

After all the failed attempts I called Barbie and talked to her for 4 hours straight I told her all the things that were going on in my life and I cried a lot and even Barbie got emotional too and she cried for me I can't forget that day ever 🙂 she told me "Don't worry honey! It's never too late, I'll enter void for you and after that you will be free of all this bullshit" THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY LIKE I WAS NOT EXPECTING THISSSSSSS :) she already did so much for me and still she wanted to help me out, this is why I call you my Fairy Angel <3

And next day she did enter for me and affirmed that I'll wake up in the void but in the morning nothing happened I realized that I didn't woke up there I GOT SO DISCOURAGED and I told this to her and she said that I have to assume that I'll wake up in the void unless it will not work 🙁 I literally Slapped myself for doing such a stupid thing Not assuming that I'll wake up in the void :( But she again entered for me and again affirmed for me Like? How can someone be so nice?

AND THAT NIGHT I DID WOKE UP IN THE VOID 😩💗 I felt so relaxed there, I was in a whole dark space I manifested everything that I wrote in my journal , I was beyond happy that morning when I woke up in my dream apartment the first thing I did after seeing myself in my dream house was that I messaged barbie that WE DID IT 🥺 !!

Y'all are very lucky to have my bestie here , I love you honey, ily so much <3 God literally sent you for me

Sending you so much love, hugs and wet kisses 🤭

~ your beloved 🎀

The most beautiful SUCCESS STORY I ever saw !

Thankyou bub for sharing your story here too ♡

My eyes got wet while I was reading this :) like you are so sweet and strong! ily too and I always will and no need to thank me..Your life was exactly like mine bef I entered the void , I also experienced all this bullshit so I could understand your situation that's why I helped you so, no need to thank me 💗 You should thank yourself bc everytime u felt like ending ur life , everytime u felt like giving up YOU made it through... so thank youself honey ! <3 I'M SO PROUD YOU MAHH BESTIEEE

You also played a vital role in my journey !

I've been through a lot. I have been through things that I didn't even told u . I have been through things that I haven't told anyone . Because of the things that I've been through, I used have an EXTREMELY hard time trusting people. I used to overthink abt how to talk to you and share my feelings without making you feel bad or you thinking I'm dramatic. I don't know how to talk to you without it being awkward but not only u listened me but motivated me also even when u r going through the toughest time in ur life.... Yes I have so many friends But you r someone special , I love you differently than I love my any other friend. Yes we've been through hell. And it's been insane. But still we are together! ily ♡

Idk how do I put my happiness into words :) I'M JUST SO PROUD OF YOU

Enjoy ur life to the max <3

#void state #void success #void state success story

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russellsppttemplates · 1 year

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If you let me show you (Charles Leclerc)

Years later, your's and Charles' hearts are still longing for eachother and, perhaps, it was meant to be all along

Note: english is not my first language.

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated, and while I'm not actively taking requests, I am writing some blurbs when I can so if you have any ideas or concepts that can be written in a small amount of sentences and you want to share, feel free to do so!

Tw: past breakup

"As usual, thank you for listening to the podcast", you began closing off the recording for you newest episode of your podcast, taking your headphones off once you were done and your editor gave you her thumbs up, "That was really good, Y/N. I think people will enjoy it a lot", she said as you smiled, proud of how far you got. The idea of creating your own podcast while you finished your degree was just something to keep your mind off of school, despite it being about what you studied since it was something you enjoyed, but it had quickly grown to join other people who, like you, enjoyed the topic. You had gathered a small community that you were very grateful for, especially when it allowed to go to bigger events like TedTalks and sit and talk, as well as meeting them.

Checking your phone for your e-mails, you noticed a new one from someone you had never received anything from before, "what is this...?", you muttered under your breath before letting your finger tap the screen to open it, revealing what looked like an invite to an event, looking at the top to see that you had been sent it a few days ago and, scrolling down, finding out that you had to confirm your attendance until that afternoon, "did you get this?", you showed it to your editor, "nope, but I've heard of other people who come here to record that they've been invited too", she smiled. "Are you plann-", she was interrupted by the sound of your phone ringing, an unknown number calling, "yes?", you said, "Hi, this is from Fondation Prince Albert II de Monaco. How have you been, Y/N?", a seemingly kind man on the other side of the line, "Hello, I've been good, and you?", you said as you looked at your editor, "sorry to bother you during the day, but we've had some issues with our communication channels and are not receiving the confirmation from the people who are attending, and we just wanted to confirm wether or not you are joining us for the evening", he said as you panicked opened the e-mail again, checking for more details about this event, "Oh, you're also allowed a plus one, I don't think your e-mail said that due to the glitch we had", he offered as you looked at your editor one last time, her showing you a dinner she had with family on that night, "yes, I can confirm my presence. Just me, no plus one", you said as you heard him type, "Good, thank you! Since our communication channels are not working properly, is it okay if, in case of any new information, I contact you through here?", he asked before you confirmed, bidding eachother a good day and goodbye before ending the call, "this is a very surreal thing", you heard your editor said, now propped by your laptop as she look at the e-mail, telling you all about why they had decided to invite you, your contribution to spreading scientific knowledge in a simple way and accessible to everyone bring the number one reason, "who knew, hm? My weird little podcast about academia getting me t-, oh, wait, this is a red carpet?", you looked further, noticing their dress code advice section, "what did you expect from the Fondation? Some burgers and fries?", she teased you, "I thought it was, like, an intimate thing, small thing. If I'm going to this, who else is?", you mused while your editor only snickered.

After having your friend help you pick a dress worthy of the event, you dropped it at the dry cleaners, which is where you found yourself in the morning of the event, ready to pick it up while the lovely lady went to get it outback when a younger employee asked "I'm sorry, but you are Y/N, from the podcast, right?", she asked as you nodded, "I've heard your voice through these so many times I recognised it almost immediately", she said as she pointed to her earbuds, "I'm very happy that you listen to it", you said as you noticed your dress, clean and ironed being set on the counter, "may I ask what this is for?", she said curiously before who you figured was her grandmother set the bill for you too, "dear, that's not nice for the costumers, sorry about my granddaughter", she half scolded her, "no, don't worry. I'm going to an event tonight because of the podcast", you explained as you paid, smiling before leaving the store and bidding goodbye.

Arriving at home, you tried your best to remember and replicate how Pascale taught you to do your hair, the curls coming out looking like you were from a different era, silently praying they would drop while you fid your makeup. You put one the dress and added your accessories before shaking your curls, moving to put on your shoes and coat just in time for the car they had sent to pick you up and go to the event, "is this your first time?", the driver asked, "yes. Do you notice it that much?", you giggled, "not at all. Just I know I would have recognised you otherwise", he explained, "do you know anyone who is going to be there? It is a big help, so I've heard over the years", he offered, "I don't think so", you mused, "I'm not sure who's invited to be honest", you giggled again, nervous that you should have done your research, "usually actresses and actors, singers too usually, people from non profits, other members of TV shows. Oh, and how could I forget, some drivers usually go too", and it hit you. How did it not hit you before? Charles could be there too, and you not seen him in person in the longest time. Last time you saw him was a few months after you broke up, and it pained you to be in the same room as him, and while you did nothing but be polite to eachother, you couldn't deal with that, somehow always managing to avoid any gathering where he would be. Did you watch his races? Yes, every weekend one had been on you'd take your time no watch it, never breaking your promise and supporting him whenever you could, however you could. Knowing how it would bother you stayed out of anything related to his personal life, only knowing little bits you picked up from interviews and, since he was pretty private, there hadn't been anything related to his relationships, so were you about to know something more? Was he bringing a plus one with him? "Don't need to get nervous, dear, from all my years of this, people are usually very friendly and before you know it, you're already friends", he smiled sweetly, oblivious to the actual relationship you were worried about.

A woman dressed in black guided you on what to to once you arrived, telling you when to stop and pose for some pictures, despite your insistence that 'I'm here for my voice, I don't think people will need to see my face really", giggling and comforting you until you felt comfortable enough, "See?! Stunning, chérie", she smiled before her phone beeped, prompting her to tell her colleague, "Charles is arriving just now, could you go to him, please?", before helping you to the other spot where you would do an interview with someone who also had a podcast that, despite being a bigger creator, treated you with the utmost kindness, "thank you so much for taking some time and giving us your story on getting to where you are today", he said as you shook his hand one last time, thanking him before walking back to the carpet, spotting Charles posing too. And then your heart started doing somersaults, almost like it never stopped doing then anyway.

Charles followed the woman in a black suit as she told him where to stand, smiling in almost all the directions someone called him from before he noticed you, sitting in a high chair with a pair of headphones on your head. Were you here? Your podcast was successful, he knew that much since he contributed, but he did not expect you to be here. How long had it been? Two, maybe three years? You had managed to go to his F2 celebration, just as friends, before, as he now recalled, never setting his eyes on you in another form other than pictures on Instagram or your voice from the podcast episodes.

He was about to head to you when a young fan, who happened to be attending with his parents, asked for his autograph and a picture, "whenever we are home, me and mama and papa watch all your races, you're one of Monaco's pride!", the boy who was no older than ten said excitedly, prompting Charles to open his blazer's button before crouching down to pose with him. Getting up and wishing everyone a good night and event, his eyes looked for you in your emerald green dress, now finding a gentleman in the chair you were sitting previously. Heading inside the venue, he greeted some people before he noticed you looking at something on your phone and confirming it on the indicating plaques, looking a but confused before you looked around and your eyes locked in his, "h- Hi, Charles, Hi!", you said as you greeted him, your movement so automatic that you didn't even think about hugging and pressing a kiss on each cheek of your ex-boyfriend, thankful that he seemed to want to do the same, "Hi, Y/N, how are you?", he said as he looked at you properly. And you looked even more beautiful, despite looking like the same girl he had fallen in love with all those years ago."Are you here alone, too?", you said and immediately wanted to take it back, feeling like you had nothing to do with it, "I'm on my own, yes. C'mon, let's go through here", he said as he guided you on the other way you were thinking of going, leading you to the big room where all the tables were and finding out that the table you'd be sitting in was next to his, "if you need anything, call for me, yes?", he said as he looked for reassurance, "you're going to do great, I just know it".

The evening was beautiful, getting the opportunity to listen to all the projects and ideas people were developing and over all having a good time, and while you enjoyed it, you needed to get some air, excusing yourself from the group and heading to one of the outside gardens, a glass in hand as you took in all that had happened for you to get here. You had never dreamt of this opportunity to come from something as simple as you sharing your thoughts outloud, finding people on the receiving end interested in what you had to say, and to be here was something you still couldn't make out, "may I?", you heard a familiar voice you could recognise anywhere, seeing Charles coming to sit next to you on the stone bench, "it's amazing how many inspiring people are here today, no?", he began, really not knowing how to approach you. You were here alone, so it wasn't like he was crossing a line, he hoped, remembering some conversations he heard in the last group gathering where one of your close friends admitted that you were single still, "and somehow I ended up here, too", you mused before looking at him, his eyes never failing to calm you down and rile your heart up at the same time, "of course you did. Your work is amazing, it's only fair they recognised it", he let slip, "how do you know that?", you quirked your brow as you took a sip from your glass, "I listen to it. Every Thursday I go and look for the new episode", he admitted, "I still don't understand half of the things you defend and explain, but you make it so engaging and, and I miss your voice. I miss you", he said as he looked up at the starry sky before he let his hand crawl along the light stone and nudge yours, your pinkies lacing eachother. You looked at him, a small blush on your cheeks, "thank you, I- I watch all your races too, even the ones that are broadcasted at daft o'clock in Europe", you said before sighing "you know why we did it that way it was", you said, remembering the day you and Charles decided it was for the best that you should go your separate ways.

"I love you so much", Charles said as he held your hands in his, "I love you so much and it is why I think we should do this", he reasoned, although the tears in his eyes, matching your own, reflected the genuine hurt you both knew was dawning on each of you, "I never want to be the one making you hurt, not in a short time or not in a long time", you sniffed, squeezing your eyes further to slow down the tears, "I love you with my whole heart and I'd never want you to hurt, either of us to hurt", you finished as you gave him one last hug, relishing in the feeling of having his arms around you, "you'll always have my heart, Y/N Y/L/N", he said kissing the top of your head, "and it will always be yours to keep".

"Was it really though?", he said, snuffling closer to you while still not touching you more than before even though his skin longed to feel yours, "I don't know, Charles, I really don't know", you said. You didn't like to admit it, but every now and again, you would entertain the thought of what could have been if you had stayed together. How your days could have been if you had him to come home to, or having to travel to races to see him, hear his laughs in person instead of through a screen. It would have been like you had predicted, crazy schedules, long periods away from eachother, but the effort to make it work would have been worth it to have him with you. As you were about to say that to him, you heard heels clicking on the floor, "sorry to interrupt, but the fireworks are going to go off now, I thought you might like to see them", one of the ladies that had helped you in the red carpet said as you both got up, "thanks for letting us know, we'll be up shortly", Charles offered before she walked away while you two followed her, "Would you be willing to come to my place tomorrow?", he asked as he finally laced his fingers in yours for a few seconds, parting when you reached the door, "okay", you said before you were ushered to different places in the crowd.

Arriving home later that evening, you were taking all your makeup off when your phone pinged, seeing a text from Charles, surprised that after all these years he, like you, had kept your number, "Even though we did not spend that much time together today, I know for a fact that I missed having you around and being near you. I hope you have a goodnight's rest", could be read on your screen.

"Thank you for coming here. I would've gone to your place but I didn't know if you wanted me there, and besides, I don't want all the attention that it could draw that way around to you", he said nervously, "No need to rub it in that you're more famous than me, Charles", you teased slightly, wanting to clear up the tension in the room that your nerves were not exactly helping, "I mean it. Thank you for agreeing to come and talk", he said before taking a big breath, "yesterday sparked something in me, and I'm not sure it was a spark again moment, I think this has always been here", he admitted, looking qt you in the hopes of getting you to speak about your take on it, "I-, I felt the same", you gulped, "but can we do this? I think so b-", you were interrupted by him, "all those years ago, we said we wanted to focus on our careers, grow and not have to worry about it. And, while I think it could've been good, there's no way to know that the success we have it due to that. Can you imagine having me next to you on your graduation? Signing your contracts? Because every weekend I imagine you sitting in that hospitality, working on your laptop before coming to watch me race and congratulate me, or be the only person in my driver's room to calm me down after a bad race", he admitted, "I know you don't owe me any of that and if this is one sided then I don't want to make you feel guilty about it, but I needed to let you know", he finished as he looked at you. Sighing, you launched your hand to meet his, "I miss you, and I want to have you with me, to get home and see you there, even if it is only every now and then. But I don't want you to feel guilty that you're not here, or that I feel like I'm not enough", you said and he giggled, "Mon ange, you are more than enough. And I'll be the luckiest man alive if you let me have you in my life again. We'll take things slowly, but please, let us go back to how we were", he pleaded as he saw you smile, "mon coeur, we are going to be better than ever".

#charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc fic #charles leclerc fluff #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic #f1 x reader

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sequinsmile-x · 5 months

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Backfire

Three Thanksgivings in the lives of the Hotchner family.

-x-

Hi friends, this is the third and final (for now) part of my Thanksgiving fic Backfire.

This got a little sadder than I initially intended, but I don't think that will surprise anyone.

This week has been...rough. But as ever I am grateful for this community and the distraction it provides from real life <3

-x-

Words: 3.7k

Warnings: Grief/Loss of a parent

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Somewhere along the way, Thanksgiving had become her least favourite holiday.

She’d felt the tension it brought the moment she woke up, torn from sleep by her hungry one-month-old, the baby girl demanding her attention almost constantly. Eliza was a clingier baby than Zachary had ever been, something that Emily would have once called impossible, and she was exhausted.

She yawns as she lays Eliza down on the changing table, a smile flitting across her face at the sight of the outfit, that had been bought by Penelope, that she was about to dress her daughter in. The swirling writing and cartoon turkey on the onesie so cute it made her ache.

Mommy & Daddy’s Little Turkey.

“You’re going to hate me when I show you these pictures in about 14 years, sweet girl,” she says as she picks up the outfit, rubbing the soft material between her fingers, “But you’re going to look so damn cute I don’t care.” She feels a rush of love sweep through her as she slips Eliza’s arms into the onesie, her heart aching at how cute her daughter looks. She picks her up and rests her against her chest, “You are the fucking cutest baby on the whole planet.”

“Don’t curse in front of the baby.”

She turns to look at her husband and smiles, rolling her eyes at him before she adjusts her hold on Eliza so he can see her outfit, “Am I wrong?”

He chuckles as he walks over, his hand on Emily’s lower back as he leans in to kiss her. He then stamps a kiss against Eliza’s head before he pulls back to look at them.

“I stand corrected, she is the fucking cutest.”

Emily mock gasps, “Don’t curse in front of the baby.”

Aaron shakes his head at his wife, but his response is cut off as the doorbell rings, quickly followed by Jack’s voice, the 11-year-old’s excitement clear.

“Mom, Dad, Aunt Jessie and Grandpa are here!”

She hears two sets of feet thundering down the hallway downstairs, Zachary always on the heels of his older brother, the 4-year-old always copying his every move.

Aaron feels Emily tense in his arms, her shoulders tight as she holds Eliza impossibly closer. He kisses her forehead and cups her cheek to make him look up at her.

“Remember sweetheart, we don’t have to do this. We can just send him home.”

She found Thanksgiving challenging when she was at her best, something that she definitely did not currently feel. It was the only holiday when they got together with Roy, who still tried to undermine her or make comments towards Aaron at every opportunity. Emily hated it, the tension the man brought into her home enough to make her skin crawl, but she put up with it. Her love for Jack and her desire for him to be happy and surrounded by family who loved him far outweighing her own dislike for a man who made a point of being actively rude to her husband.

Aaron had checked more than once if she still wanted to go ahead with Thanksgiving as planned. He’d even asked her that morning, his arm around her shoulder as she fed Eliza whilst it was still dark outside, a serious look in his eyes as he said he’d uninvite Roy at any time, right up to the moment he stepped foot on the porch. She’d insisted she was fine, that she wanted things to be as normal as they possibly could, but as she watches the clock tick closer to the time Jess was supposed to arrive with Roy, she wonders if she had made the right decision.

Not only was Emily only a month post-partum and still getting used to having a newborn again, the four years since she’d done all of this with Zachary feeling like both a lifetime and a blur all at once, but it was the first holiday since her mother had died.

Emily was working when it happened. Regulated to the office at almost 8 months pregnant, her bump pressed against her desk as she looked over paperwork she was struggling to focus on. Her phone screen lit up with an unknown number, and dread she still didn’t understand flooded her veins. Her instincts that something was wrong kicking in before she even answered the call and listened as a stranger whose voice she’d never forget told her that Elizabeth was critically ill.

Aaron had been away on a case at the time, something she knew he still felt guilty about as if him being at home would have changed anything. He’d flown back to her as soon as he could, putting her and their family above his job, a lesson he’d learnt the hard way with spilt blood and tears. He’d held her hand as she made the decision to take her mother off life support, the roll of her baby girl in her stomach feeling displaced against the repetitive beeps of the machines around them, and her mother’s cold hand.

Emily wondered if things would feel different if her relationship with her mother had been a good one. If they’d had the type of relationship she knew she had with her children whether she’d feel different. Grief was complicated, she knew that, it wasn’t linear or easy. But she sometimes thought her chest wouldn’t feel like it was hollowed out if she had more good memories of her mother to fall back on, if all of her favourite moments with her hadn’t all happened since she’d become a mother herself. Elizabeth may never have been the mother Emily wanted or deserved, but she was an excellent grandmother.

On some level, she was jealous of the relationship the boys had with Elizabeth, an emotion that made her feel so guilty it made her feel sick. She wished that she could miss her like Jack and Zachary did. They had no complication in their grief, no caveats. They just missed her.

Emily was angry. Furious that her mother had been capable of being the person she’d needed all along, and sad that Elizabeth had never chosen to be like that for her. She missed both who her mother was and who she could have been, the old adage that ‘two things can be right at once’ as infuriating as it was correct.

She sighs as she shakes her head, “No, we can’t send him home, honey. He’s Jack’s grandfather, it’s Thanksgiving,” she turns her head to kiss his palm, “We can’t send him home. Plus, that would mean Jess would have to leave too and I love spending time with her, and so do the boys. And she cooked the turkey this year so we’d have no food.”

He smiles at her and leans in to kiss her softly. He knew that she was making the decision she thought was right for everyone other than herself, her own comfort was always her last priority. He doesn’t want to argue with her though, and doesn’t want to push her when he knows she’s already more delicate than usual, something she wouldn’t thank him for pointing out. So he steps away.

“I’ll go let them in,” he says, his smile so loving it warms her from the inside out, “You come down when you’re ready.”

She nods and smiles gratefully, turning all of her attention back to Eliza the moment they are alone. She smiles at her little girl.

It may be her first holiday without her mother, but it was also her first with her daughter and she wanted to enjoy it as much as she could.

“Come on Eliza,” she says, kissing her temple, “Let’s go see the grumpiest man to ever exist,” she pauses, smiling to herself as she kisses her daughter again, “And before you ask,” she says as she starts to walk out of the nursery, “I don’t mean Daddy.”

___

“That was the best Thanksgiving meal I’ve eaten in years,” Roy says as he sets his knife and fork down on his plate, turning his attention to Jessica, “That was delicious, Jess.”

“It was so good Aunt Jessie,” Zachary says, smiling as he sinks back into his chair, making his parents laugh as he rubs his belly, something he’d clearly picked up on someone else doing.

“Thanks, Zach,” she says, smiling at the young boy she considered her nephew just as much as Jack before she turns to Roy, “And thanks Dad, I’ve never cooked a whole turkey before so it was quite the learning curve.”

Aaron smiles as he puts his arm around the back of Emily’s chair, taking a quick peak at Eliza who was fast asleep against her mother’s chest, “We really appreciate you cooking, Jess,” he says, “I don’t think we could have managed it.”

“Oh don’t worry,” she replies, “You have a new baby and have to chase my nephews around, I can handle doing the cooking.”

Roy mutters something under his breath, but Emily doesn’t quite catch it because Eliza starts to cry, the brief reprieve she’d given them so Emily could eat, all be it one-handed whilst she held her daughter, is already over.

“Oh sweetheart,” she says, already moving to stand up so she pace, the movement one of the few things that soothed her, “You’re okay.”

Jack stands up too, beating Aaron to it, as he offers help, always keen to be the best big brother he could be, “Do you need me to go get one of her pacifiers, Mom?”

She sees a flash of something across Roy’s face. It’s an echo of a moment a few years ago when it was Zachary’s first Thanksgiving, his tiny face covered in mashed potato as she tried to wipe him clean, and Jack’s innocent comment aimed at his younger brother, the name Momma slipping past his lips without real meaning. He’d still called her Emily back then, the use of the moniker for his little brother’s benefit more than anything, the then baby on the brink of saying his first word.

Jack had switched to calling her Mom a year ago. It felt like it had happened overnight, something that felt natural and wonderful all at once. He still called her Emily in front of Roy, something she knew he did to prevent his grandfather from getting upset, all of the comments he’d made over the years always lingering in the back of his mind. The empathy her eldest was capable of never failed to blow her away, his kindness so much a part of him that she sometimes worried one day it would be something that people would take advantage of. It’s a slip-up Jack doesn’t even seem aware of, his smile soft as he looks at her.

She looks back at Roy, and watches as Jessica stares at her father, a fierce look in her eyes that has almost no effect.

“That would be lovely, Jack,” Emily says, turning her attention back to her eldest son, wanting him out of the room before anything was said, “The clean ones are in the kitchen,” she says, and Jack nods before he runs out of the room. Emily looks at Zachary. Usually, the frown on his face, the one that made him look identical to Aaron, would make her smile, but it makes her chest get tight, the thought that her son was picking up on the tension in the room enough to make her cry, “Zach-”

Her attempt to get him out of the room, to distract him by suggesting he go to the den and played with his toys, is cut off by Roy.

“What did he call you?” He asks, his jaw tight as he glares at her, and any usual defiance she has against the man is nowhere to be found, the crying of her baby in her arms, the absence of her mother and the usual jibes she’d throw at the man, setting her on edge. “How many times do I have to remind you that you’re not his mother?”

It was something that had come up time and time again over the years. Roy’s desire to keep his daughter's memory alive so misguided he didn’t realise he was going against what she’d wanted - for her son to have exactly what he had now.

“Roy,” Aaron starts, his protective instincts kicking in, but he isn’t given the chance when Emily cuts over him

“You know what, Roy,” Emily says, shaking her head at him, a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob catching in her chest, “I don’t have the energy for this. I need to go feed my baby,” she softens when she smiles at Zachary, “Want to come with me to go feed your sister?”

Zach nods, slipping out of his chair and walking over to his mother, avoiding eye contact with everyone else as he reaches her side. Emily adjusts her hold on Eliza to make sure she’s secure against her with one arm and she reaches down to hold Zachary’s hand. She leads him out of the room and she doesn’t look back.

Aaron wants to follow her, but he knows she wouldn’t want him to, instead, he folds his hands together in his lap and looks at his ex-father-in-law, anger he hasn’t let himself feel in years bubbling in his stomach.

“You couldn’t just leave it alone this year?” Aaron asks, his eyes stern as he stares at Roy, “She lost her mother a couple of months ago.”

“How long has Jack been calling her mom?” Roy asks as if Aaron hasn’t spoken, staring him down. It reminds Aaron of when he was a teenager and accidentally got Haley home after her curfew, the traffic on the way back from the concert they had been to worse than he’d anticipated. Roy was furious, yelling at Aaron for making his daughter late, for making him worry about her, and Aaron had promised it would never happen again, and that he’d always keep Haley safe.

It was a promise he’d broken without meaning to, the shattered pieces of his already tenuous relationship with his once father-in-law destroyed beyond repair.

“For a long time, Dad,” Jessica answers, sighing as Roy turns to look at her, “He’s called Emily his Mom for over a year.”

Roy frowns at his daughter, “You knew?”

She scoffs, “Of course I did,” she says, shaking her head, “I babysit all the kids, I love them all. And unlike you, I can see past my own grief over Haley to see how happy Jack is.”

Aaron smiles gratefully at Jessica and then he sighs as he turns back to Roy, “I know it’s difficult for you. But Jack came to this decision himself, he also wanted to make sure he did his best not to call Emily ‘Mom’ in front of you so he didn’t upset you.”

Roy all but growls, his frustration clear, “She is not his-”

“She is my mom.”

They all turn to look at Jack, the pre-teen standing in the doorway with a pacifier in his hand, his grip on it tight. Aaron stands and steps towards his son.

“Jack-”

“Mom was my mom too,” he says, cutting off his father as he crosses his arms over his chest, “But so is she,” he adds, pointing towards the stairs, “I don’t remember Mom, Grandad,” Jack says, shrugging his shoulders, “I miss her but the only things I know are what you and Dad and Aunt Jess tell me. Emily…Mom is the one I remember. She’s looked after me and she loves me. And that’s what a mom does,” he frowns, seemingly unable to stop now he’s started, the words he’d wanted to say since he was too young to understand them spilling out, “And you have to be nice to her, and to Dad, and to my brother and sister or I don’t want to see you anymore.”

His words settle around them and Roy sighs, “Jack, I’m just trying to make sure no one forgets your mother.”

“But no one has,” he says, furrowing his brow, looking so much like Haley that it makes the three adults in the room ache, “Dad is always telling me about her and you are. And even Mom does even though she only met her a couple of times,” he adds, watching as shock washes over his grandfathers face and he sighs, feeling some of the anger in his chest go away, “She asks Aunt Jess and Dad for stories so she can talk to me about her too.”

Roy looks at Jessica who nods, her lips pressed together, “It’s true.”

He sighs as he shakes his head, “I’m sorry,” he says as he looks at his grandson, “I didn’t know.”

“You never asked,” Aaron says firmly and Roy nods, clearing his throat as he avoids eye contact. Aaron looks at Jack and smiles at him, “Why don’t you go find everyone else? They’re probably in the nursery.”

Jack hesitates for a moment, but he nods, turning and leaving the room as quickly as he’d entered it. Aaron looks over at Roy and sighs, his hands on his hips as he looks him up and down. He’d always allowed his anger when it was aimed towards him, partially because it felt like a punishment he deserved. A penance for failing Haley and by extension Roy, But he also allowed it because he knew Roy was grieving, that he’d lost his daughter in a horrific way.

It didn’t take an FBI profiler to realise he was overcompensating to make sure he didn’t lose anyone else, his anger and his short temper were side effects of so desperately trying to cling on to what he had left of his daughter.

Her memory and her son.

“Look, Roy,” Aaron says carefully, “I can’t imagine how difficult it is, and I know we don’t particularly like each other,” he looks over at Jessica who smothers a chuckle with a fake cough, her eyes on the ceiling as she avoids looking at him, “But we both loved Haley, and we both love Jack. Surely the fact he’s happy, which is what she wanted, should be enough.”

Roy is quiet for a moment before he stands up, blowing out a steady breath as he nods slowly, “You’re right,” he says, clearing his throat, “It should be. And I’ll try to make sure it is going forward.”

Aaron smiles and relaxes a little, some of the tension in his shoulders finally easing, “Thank you.”

Jessica laughs again and shakes her head at herself when both men look at her, their eyebrows furrowed, “I’m so sorry,” she says, clearing her throat, “It’s just…wherever Haley and Elizabeth are right now, I know they would have got such a kick out of Jack telling you off, Dad.”

___

Aaron sighs as he closes the door behind Roy and Jess, briefly leaning his head against it before he makes sure the locks are in place.

“Long day, huh?”

He turns to look at his wife and smiles at her, opening his arms for her to slip into his embrace, “Long day,” he repeats, kissing the top of her head, “Where are the kids?”

“Eliza is sleeping, and Jack is reading Zach a book,” she says, smiling up at him, “So we might have 5 whole uninterrupted minutes to ourselves,” she says with enthusiasm as if she was talking about a lottery win or a luxury cruise, “Want to snuggle until someone needs us for something?”

“With you? Always,” he says, cupping her cheek and leaning in to kiss her before he leads her to the living room. They sit on the couch together and she settles into his side, breathing him in and letting his comfort wash over her, “You ok, sweetheart?”

She shrugs, because she’s really not sure how to answer the question, “I guess. I don’t know. She would have loved watching Jack tell Roy off.”

He chuckles, “Jess said the same thing,” he tilts his head to look at her, “You heard everything?”

She nods, her smile turning sad, “It was sweet. Zach heard too, and he asked me if it meant Jack was his real brother,” she says, her heart aching when Aaron sighs, his eyes closing as he shakes his head, “But I reminded him about Haley, how she was Jack’s first mom. He understands it all as best as he can.”

“I wish it was simpler sometimes,” Aaron says as he opens his eyes to look at her.

“I know,” she replies, reaching up and pushing his hair out of his eyes, “But if it was simpler, it wouldn’t be our family.” There’s a cry from upstairs and Emily groans, leaning forward to press her forehead into Aaron’s chest. “That girl is relentless.”

“Wonder where she got that from,” Aaron mutters and Emily pulls back to look at him, her eyes narrowed.

“What did you say?”

“I said, you stay here, I’ll go get her,” he says quickly, kissing her forehead and standing up.

She shakes her head at him as he leaves the room and sinks back onto the couch. She sighs as she looks around the room, her gaze locking on a picture from when Zachary was a baby that is framed and on the coffee table. In it, Elizabeth is sitting down with Jack on her left and Emily on her right, and a tiny little Zachary in her arms.

Emily picks it up and she traces her finger over the edge of it, smiling sadly at her own reflection that she can partially see in the glass. She looks at her mother, at the joy in her eyes, the happiness she would have once joked the woman was incapable of and she chuckles, her vision going blurry as tears gather in her eyes. When she speaks, it’s quiet, a secret just between herself and someone she isn’t even entirely sure is watching.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Mom.”

-x-

Tag List:

@ssa-sparks, @lukeclvez, @lyds102, @glockleveledatyourcrotch, @hotchnissenthusiast, @danadeservesadrink, @ssamorganhotchner, @emilyprentissisgod, @notagentprentiss, @freesiasandfics, @emilyshotchniss, @thecharmingart, @paulitalblond, @hancydrewfan, @camille093, @whitecrossgirl, @moonlight-2-6, @rawr-jess, @florenceremingtonthethird, @jareauswife, @ms-black-a, @beebeelank, @aubreyprc, @zipzapboingg, @psychopath-at-heart, @criminalmindsgonewrong, @fionaloover, @kinqslcys, @prentissinred, @ccmattis-22, @denvivale317, @thrindis, @hotchsguccitie, @cmfouatslota77, @alexblakegf, @aliensaurusrex, @prentissxhotch, @emobabeyy, @victoiregranger, @stormyweatherth, @wanderingdreamer009, @ssablackbird, @luhwithah, @lex13cm, @prentiss-theorem, @dont-emily-me, @mrs-ssa-hotch, @jocyyreation, @itsmytimetoodream, @hotchnissgroupie, @controversialpooh, @capsshinyshield, @canuck-eh

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#hotchniss #hotchniss fanfiction #aaron hotchner x emily prentiss #hotchniss fanfic #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner fanfiction #emily prentiss fanfiction #aaron x emily #hotchniss fan fic

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maybebitterxox · 10 months

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A little emotional here, but:

I was here since generation loss was first ever mentioned or hinted towards. I was there when Ranboo was still deciding on the name. I was there for the OG jacket pic and the voice recordings and all the cryptic messages in the ranmail channel on the discord server. I was there for the release of T_1 on the genloss channel, and I remember watching game theory’s video as soon as it came out and then immediately going to watch Ranboo’s reaction to it. I remember all the crazy fanart where people were theorising what it could be about, I remember doing The Inauguration several times over to see if any choices had secret messages that came with them and I showed it to my family and friends too. I remember the hype as more update videos got released. I remember Ranboo’s tiktok where he said he would duet/stitch it when he had finished with his big project. I remember the website becoming a thing and me signing up the very second I heard about it. I remember sitting in class, manually copying down the binary code messages from The Game number by number to translate them. I remember making a google doc and analysing every video and every tweet.

Now I’m sitting here, and Gen Loss was considered as a nomination for an Emmy. The Gen Loss I’ve been following since it wasn’t even called Gen Loss, the Gen Loss that started out as just some voice recordings in a discord channel, has gotten this far. Seeing so many new people coming together over this, seeing it gain so much traction and attention, people fresh into the community talking theories and looking back at old clips and videos… fucking hell, it makes me emotional.

I don’t want to refer to myself as an “og fan” here because I hate the implication that me being an older fan makes me more valid than newer fans, which it absolutely does not. But the growth and development of it all just hits so much harder, because I was there for it all. And hell, I can’t imagine how it must be for Ranboo. I really, really do hope that he’s as proud of himself as we are of him. And I’m also so proud of and grateful for the cast and crew that made it possible. Overall, I am so thrilled by Gen Loss’ success, and I can’t wait to see what’s coming next. And the glerch is awesome.

@ranboolivesaysstuff Fucking suberb you funky little ghoober man.

#generation loss #gen loss #genloss #ranboo

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natlacentral · 2 months

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Kiawentiio grew up loving ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender,’ and now she’s bringing the cartoon to life: ‘I did my best’

Kiawentiio is starring in a Netflix show. It's a sentence she's still processing.

"Growing up as a little native girl on my reservation, I never thought that this was something I’d even be able to do," she tells TODAY.com. "It was completely out of reach in my mind. So when I got the role, when we were filming and even now, it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that it’s all real."

Kiawentiio, a 17-year-old actor and singer from the Mohawk people, plays Katara, a beloved character from “Avatar: The Last Airbender,” in Netflix's live-action remake. The show hit the streaming platform Feb. 22 and quickly soared to No. 1 on Netflix's list of top TV shows in the U.S.

Before this, Kiawentiio appeared in "Beans" and guest-starred in Season Three of "Anne with an E." Now, she's adapting a cult classic cartoon and faces a fandom that's hesitant to trust a remake, still sensitive about the previous attempt, a film released in 2010.

"Avatar: The Last Airbender" ran for three seasons on Nickelodeon, from 2005 to 2008. The show achieved worldwide success and a cult following that only grew once the show was added to Netflix in May 2020. Like the live-action show, it became the most popular show in the U.S. on the streaming platform within days.

In a world full of "benders," people who can manipulate one of four elements — water, earth, fire and air — a group of friends embark on an adventure to save the world from impending war and destruction.

The story begins as Katara and her brother Sokka (played in the new live action by Ian Ousley) find a boy named Aang (Gordon Cormier) frozen in an iceberg. Aang turns out to be the long-hidden "Avatar," a bender with power over all four elements who's been promised to bring stability to the world.

Kiawentiio is a longtime fan of the original series and never thought she'd get to play one of the characters she grew up watching.

"The fact that I do get to play her, I cherish these moments, even the rough ones," she says. "When we were filming, there was a lot that I was trying to deal with at the same time. But even in all those moments, I do my best to stay grateful because of how lucky and blessed I actually am to to be in this situation."

Friendship is a core component to the series, and Kiawentiio says the focus on community in the show translated to set. She says she first met the rest of the cast at a boot camp, and was initially intimidated by some of the others — including Dallas Liu, who plays one of the main antagonists, Zuko. But the cast quickly found a close bond that she says will last long after production wrapped.

"With playing Katara, meeting the other cast members and becoming family with them, that is something that we are locked in for life," she says. "We’ve talked about this before, we’re gonna be at each other’s weddings type thing. I’m so grateful to have that, a second family formed for ever."

The whole cast had the difficult task of portraying existing, beloved characters, in addition to trying to translate a two-dimensional character to the screen.

“To have other people who are going through the exact same thing that you’re going through, it really strengthens our bond as a crew." she says.

There will always be differences watching something live action compared to a cartoon, Kiawentiio notes — but they can actually be for the better.

“So much more emotion comes, I mean, just seeing an actual face compared to a drawing of a face is so different on its own. So I’d like to think that the emotion of Katara and her backstory is more amplified or zoomed in on,” she says.

Another difference stemmed from turning a cartoon world into a physical set — which as a fan of the original show, Kiawentiio calls surreal.

In the original cartoon, the core trio travel across terrains, cities and oceans on the back of Aang’s flying pet bison, Appa.

“All these new things that kept coming up, it was just crazy to see it unfold in front of me,” she says. “And for that to be my job, that’s just incredible. Especially as a fan of the show, I was really almost in tears once a week, or more than once a week if we’re being honest.”

Critics of live-action remakes often point to both the lack of new aspects to the story they bring, as well as some seemingly unnecessary differences from the original story.

The series is the second attempt at a live-action remake of "Avatar: The Last Airbender." The first was M. Night Shyamalan's 2010 movie, "The Last Airbender," that released to overwhelmingly negative reviews. The film has a 5% score on Rotten Tomatoes, and Roger Ebert, who gave the film a half star out of four, wrote that the film "is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented."

The live-action precedent set up Netflix's new series in a unique spot, where returning fans are simultaneously hoping for a more accurate remake while tentatively extending their trust.

Kiawentiio says balancing the appeal to both old and new fans was a through line during production.

“That was in all of our minds — how to appeal to existing fans from the original show and also bring in new fans that have never seen the show before,” she says.

It's a weighty task for a young actor.

“For me, in the back of my mind was always ‘I’m just doing my best.’ As a person, you can do only as much as you can," she shares. "But I am open to opinions, and I know there’s going to be a whole variety of different opinions. And I did my best that I could at the time.”

Buzz around the eight-episode first season of "Avatar: The Last Airbender" continues to grow. Kiawentiio is looking to relish in any quiet she can find.

"As of right now, I’m trying to enjoy whatever quiet that I can," she says. "It’s hard for me to plan stuff because I don’t know where I’m going to be then. But I’m just trying to soak up the nice quiet, and I’ll be there when I’ll be there.”

#today #article #kiawentiio #natla #atla #netflix avatar #netflix atla #avatar the last airbender #avatar netflix #atla netflix

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xsezzie · 6 months

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Profile Tag Game

Hello: My name is Sezzie, I know I can be rather blunt and robotic at times, but I promise you I don’t wish to intentionally hurt you. I am always open to having a chat whether it be in my DMs or through asks.

Chat: Tickling - Of course I like tickling, no shame in that. It’s completely normal… some people get flustered by it? Oh well, those people are the cutest~ Hm? You aren't cute? Well, I guess someone will need some tickles to convince them otherwise!

Chat: Identity - I wonder who I was yesterday, who I’ll be today, and what I’ll be tomorrow… I wish I knew who I was.

Chat: Masking - That thing I just did now, it was incorrect. I will be sure to act correctly in accordance with societal norms next time. If I do not act correctly then others will become disgusted or angry... Just as I would if you were to do the same.

When It Rains: Ugh, this would be nicer if it was at night time…

After the Rain: Everything either looks really clean or really dirty depending on the area… oh look, the birds are coming back out.

When Thunder Strikes: Ah… so relaxing.

When It Snows: What’s that?

When the Sun Is Out: Everything is as it should be…

When the Wind is Blowing: Ugh, my hair is messed up now…

Good Morning: Get up already, the world is perfect at this hour. The bad people don’t come out until later so it’s best to enjoy it while it lasts!

Good Afternoon: So hungry… must do my best to not eat a big meal…

Good Evening: Better get inside… they will be coming out soon.

Good Night: The optimal sleeping hours for those who suffer from depression are 10pm to 5am. Setting yourself a strict bed time will do wonders for your mental health, so hurry along, time for sleep.

About Sezzie: Alphabet - A fellow neurodivergent coworker taught me to think of all my disorders as “my alphabet”… so my alphabet currently is GAD, MDD and BPD… with ASD and ADHD in the process of being diagnosed.

About Sezzie: Writing - I actually hate that I’m the writer in the family and cannot physically draw. But, having a high literacy IQ certainly comes in handy when I’m creating. I’m glad people are able to feel my writing when I put the effort into it.

Something to Share: Name - My real name means “princess” apparently… I hope I don’t come off as one.

Interesting Things: Senses - Ah I love exploring sensory things. Honestly, I believe that feeling sensory pleasure is very soothing and not always supposed to be NSFW as most see it.

Sezzie’s Hobbies: Each of my personalities seems to have different hobbies, but if had to take a guess on the true me… writing, worldbuilding, and video games would be on top! I do also enjoy learning new things and gardening.

Sezzie’s Troubles: My existence troubles me… too dark? Well, deal with it. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows, and I’m tired of coddling the special ones.

Favourite Food: I do not have the ability to have a favourite food due to my sensory eating issues… my addictions and interests change constantly. Ah but if there is one I’ll always come back to… Chicken Kievs hehe

Least Favourite Food: All of them! I like the art of food but eating? Bleh. I wish we didn’t have to.

About @otomiyaa: Ahhh she is my idol! I have been following her for years.. and only recently got the courage to begin talking to her more. I get nervous and think I come off as some weird fan that thinks they are friends with their idols. Forgive me Otomiya-SAMA!!

About @ticklystuff: He is the first person I began talking to when I joined the community. I feel like I owe him something for all the kindness and chats we have had together. I wish I could talk more often about hot MEN with him hehe

About @ticklish-n-stuff: Sakura-chan is one of the few people I can let my guard down and show my more "embarrassing" or "fangirl" sides to when it comes to characters I like. I am grateful to have her in my life. She also gushes about MEN with me and we have a blast discussing tickling.

About @nataliewritez: Nat is my adorable little sister and is a joy to chat to about anything. I can't believe we have known each other for nearly 2 years already!

About @fanfic-chan: Dessie is so adorable and such a comfy person to be around! Also the biggest lee ever hehe

About @ticklygiggles: Little does she know how cute she is. Perhaps I should go tease her sometime soon...

Tagging @fanfic-chan @nataliewritez @ticklish-n-stuff @ticklystuff @italeean @thatonetickleblog @anzynai @stopiteatpopcorn

#genshin impact #profile game #profile tag game #personal

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doberbutts · 2 years

Note

Saying that trans men do not experience transmisogyny is not excluding them. I am saying this as a trans man - it is EXTREMELY telling that trans spaces are overwhelmingly positioned to serve transmasc people and yet transmasc people think transfems are somehow more privileged in them. It’s very disappointing that you are very thoughtful and have a lot of passion for trans men’s struggles but you spend all your time blaming trans women for them and otherwise falling for blatantly transmisogynistic rhetoric. Please do better.

This is also a really weird position to have.

Trans spaces on a localized sphere are, well, heavily influenced by the local demographic. I was mentored by a trans woman because we couldn't find a trans man to mentor me. We could ONLY find trans women and most of them were not comfortable teaching a trans man because of the differences of the directions we were going with our transitions. So my local trans spaces were, in fact, not dominated by trans men or catering to trans men, and it took us a while to find anyone who would agree to help me, and while I am so grateful to her it's not as good of a situation as if we could have found a trans man to help me.

I have multiple trans guy friends who are my age who had similar experiences.

Meanwhile recently I was contacted much in the same way my mentor was contacted years ago, because the local teen center had a trans girl who needed some help as she'd just gotten away from her shitty family. I spent the day helping her pick out a wardrobe and showing her how to take care of her hair so it can grow out healthy and gave her some advice on convincing a doctor to let her start hormones. She texts me every day with a new selfie of her trying different things with her clothes and her hair and her makeup. I hate makeup, I don't know how to apply it, so I had to get another friend- a cis woman- to help teach her makeup skills. She would have been better served by a trans woman mentor but on such short notice I'm all she's got so I'll have to do my best. She's barely 18 and alone and scared and I'll do my best to teach her how to be safe while she's figuring herself out. I don't know proper tucking procedures. I don't know where to buy breast forms. I don't know how estrogen will change her body. I can't help her with these things. Just like my mentor didn't know correct binding practice, or where to buy packers, or how testosterone would change my body.

In three years' time, who knows, maybe there'll be more trans women volunteers again who can help. Maybe the college GSA I used to be part of now has trans men as volunteers. But they didn't when I needed help, and the girl I'm helping just has me.

I never said once anything about trans women having 'more privilege', and the fact that you consistantly read that into my posts is telling of your own mindset. When you have helped those in your local community by doing more than yelling at strangers online, you can come talk to me about what I am or am not doing to help.

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jimblejamblewritings · 2 years

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luck be a (leading) lady | part 2.

Summary: Y/N has always been a background character. That’s just life for some folks isn’t it? But what if she’s determined to not just be another member in the ensemble? What if someone helps her step into the spotlight in her own special way?

Warnings for the Series: a teeny bit of angst but mainly fluff

Pairing: ricky bowen x black!reader

Word Count: 2.9k

A/N: I am not even sorry for starting a third series. I just finished season three of hsmtms and I’m obsessed. Also spoiler now, EJ and Gina are staying as an endgame couple. I’m gonna try to plant those seeds early if I can.

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist)

“Hey…”

“Y/N.”

“Yes, right, Y/N,” Ms. Jenn started. “Go get your measurements done.”

“I already did.”

Ms. Jenn turned around with a quickness. She was pleasantly surprised to hear a student taking initiative. You’d been in so many shows inside and outside of camp and school that you were constantly getting measured and already had them on file. It didn’t take any time at all for you to write down your numbers in the costumer’s notebook and move to the rehearsal space to start stretching. Ms. Jenn noted how you had changed into rehearsal clothes.

She smiled to herself as she walked over to where her bag was laying. It was easy to see the dedication in you. It reminded her a lot of herself— the way that you would rather stretch than post all about the musical to Instagram. Honestly, you might have posted more than the cast list but you only had four Instagram followers: Kiana and her cousins that were a set of triplets.

The others slowly entered the room after posting and measurements. That was your cue to get up and move to the circle of desks for the table read. You were sandwiched between the new girl, whose name you learned was Gina, and EJ. It made you chuckle to yourself because you guys were in grade order— sophomore, junior, senior. Ms. Jenn took her seat, immediately garnering all of you guys’ attention.

“You guys may have walked in as strangers but today you’re family. This school might be huge but theatre is a small community. From this point forward until the final curtain falls, we will look out for each other. So name time! Introduce yourself, your character, and a fact or two.”

You listened as everyone said something. While you knew everyone’s names, the facts were new and interesting. It got to you and you barely raised your hand off the desk.

“I’m Y/N L/N, Principal Dancer and Ensemble Captain and… I spend every summer at my grandparents’ for a week and Camp Shallow Lake.”

“Wait, you go to Camp Shallow Lake?” EJ sat up. “So do I. And Nini. We should totally hang out next summer. Let’s go Shallow Lake!”

Your mouth dropped open slightly. “I-I was in the Music Man with you guys. Maid number four… the only one who didn’t get an open— never mind.”

“Ha ha,” Ms. Jenn cut in, noticing your expression. “Let’s get started on the read, we don’t have all the hours in the day.”

You, being part of the ensemble, had no lines as everyone read through. And because you guys weren’t singing the songs today, you really had nothing. The only thing you could do was listen to everyone else and feel your butt go numb as you finished up Act 1 before taking a small break. You watched everyone else go talk to their friends at break while you just wiggled around in your chair a little bit. You desperately wished your friend, Kiana, still went to East High or at least a school in Salt Lake. She would always come to rehearsal to do her homework so that way you had someone to talk to during breaks.

You couldn’t remember if it was the last year of elementary school or the first year of middle school that she effectively adopted you but you had been grateful for that. Kiana never even cared that once out of your shell, your interests still weren’t very loud. But now you were sitting alone while just eating your snack and waiting for the time to pass. Your phone buzzed and you looked at the text.

“So she does have emotion.”

You looked up to see Gina had sat back down. You passively held up your phone.

“My friend, she just made her lacrosse team. She does that and soccer.”

“Cool,” Gina said with a shrug.

You nodded and went back to looking at your script. By the time you worked up the courage to say something else to the girl next to you, it was time to get back to work. You left the first day of rehearsal not having said anything else. Kiana practically yelled at you over FaceTime when you got home and told her about rehearsal. Even if she was miles and miles away, she was determined to have you make another friend that wasn’t her.

The next few sets of rehearsals didn’t go much better than the first time. You had tried to speak up when Ricky asked Carlos why you guys had to do the bows first. Carlos insisted it was the hardest dance and you wanted to offer up some choreography help but he immediately overlooked you. You didn’t think the bows could be the hardest “dance” and if they were then you doubted Carlos’ ability as a choreographer. Everyone knows the hardest dance is supposed to be “Stick to the Status Quo” as far as group numbers are concerned. However the moment Gina mentioned that doing the hardest dance first was on page 374 of the Big Book of Broadway, Carlos was all over her.

Were you just that unmemorable as a person? Then you didn’t even get a thumbs up after starting to practice the bows… and you had to do a jump into a split because that’s what was choreographed. But Nini and Ricky’s less than stellar dancing took all the attention. You approached the pair after psyching yourself up.

“I can help you guys if you don’t know what to do about moves.”

Nini looked at Ricky once before turning back to you. “Oh, no, we’re good! I’m good. Dancing’s not my forte anyway.”

You looked over at Ricky, pleading for him to say yes. It had taken a lot for you to offer in the first place and the rejection was making you regret every moment of your decision to do so. Instead of saying yes, he walked off and took all his stuff with him. You were never offering help to someone again. And Kiana’s advice was officially the worst advice you ever heard. You didn’t even offer up any more help when it was time for the ensemble to work on dancing with basketballs. You were getting it with almost no problem because this wasn’t your first time dancing with balls for a musical. But no one approached to ask you for help and you couldn’t bring yourself to offer again. Even though you were supposed to be the principal dancer, it felt a lot like Carlos didn’t bother.

You found yourself in the back line more than the front. Other people that he was closer to ended up getting more prominent parts in dance breaks. You wanted the old choreographer back. Or maybe you just needed to approach Carlos. But he already brushed you off twice before. What if he brushed you off again or worse, put you in the corner for all the dance routines? Your golden moment came thanks to Gina.

“Well, if Nini can’t do it. I’d be glad to do the cafeteria dance break as a solo. We can make it a moment for Taylor. Or me and the ensemble? Y/N and Elle match my level… Y/N might actually be a bit above, just a bit.”

“No, I can do it,” Nini insisted. “I would have been here if I hadn’t lost my phone. I couldn’t have seen your text to come early to run it. Just give me—”

“Gabriella practically hard carries the show, maybe you should use this number as a small break for you. Besides, Y/N already knows how to Argentine tango so that’s less to teach.”

Nini turned to find you. “Argentine tango?”

“My uncle dated a ballroom instructor for a few years,” you said, nonchalantly. “I don’t mind doing another dance number.”

Ms. Jenn clapped her hands, excited at the thought. You smiled at the floor and did a little wiggle before moving with Elle to stand behind Gina. This was the second time Gina had talked to you. According to Kiana when you called her after rehearsal, that was a prime candidate for new friendship. You wondered if she was into bouquet making. If she liked that or maybe geocaching or painting rocks then you guys could totally be friends. Besides, she was getting on everyone else’s nerves but yours so maybe she’d become your friend based on that circumstance alone. You felt bad for her. Sure she was a bit ambitious and clearly gunning for Nini’s part since she was the understudy for Gabriella but at the same time it wasn’t her fault that she was talented.

Your rehearsals were relatively drama free despite everyone else’s being full of it. Including the fact that apparently a lot of Gina’s stuff had been stolen? It was too much to be misplaced but also no one could imagine anyone in the cast taking people’s things. You enjoyed your “lunch-break” when it was time to run scenes. Like the rest of the ensemble, you just sat back and watched the principal cast work. You weren’t sure what made Ms. Jenn think that EJ and Ricky throwing a basketball between each other while running lines was a good idea. Teamwork was clearly not what either boy was after and anyone could see it.

Their ball passing was starting to look more like aiming to you. If either one was too slow in catching, someone was getting hit in the face. It only got worse when Ms. Jenn suggested improvising to better understand their characters because she felt like both of them were giving stiff performances.

“You deserve everything that’s coming to you.” EJ threw the ball rather hard, barely missing Ricky’s face.

“Back at you, dude.”

“Back at you time two.”

“Four!”

“Eight!”

“Infinity plus one.”

Ricky threw the ball but EJ was a hair too slow. You all gasped as he staggered back when the ball hit him. Your eyes went wide.

“Oh my God, EJ you’re bleeding.”

Ms. Jenn immediately raced over. “Y/N will you help EJ and maybe get some ice. EJ, honey, go clean up in the bathroom. Everyone else, let's take a quick five or ten.”

You made sure EJ got to the restroom safely before running to get a bag of ice. You blinked twice when you entered the boys’ bathroom to give him the ice. Of course he got blood on his shirt so he would take it off but shirtless EJ was still a bit of a shocker.

“You’ll make it worse by pressing on it like that,” you said as you fully entered the bathroom.

Timidly, you held the bag of ice to his mouth while applying pressure the correct way. Your eyes darted this way and that to look everywhere but his shirtless figure. You nearly jumped out your skin when his hand covered yours.

“I got the pressure thing now, I can take it from here.”

You nodded and let go of the bag. Ricky came running in.

“How’s the lip? I’m really sorry about that, I didn’t mean to do that at a—”

“Save it!” EJ yelled, startling both you and Ricky. “Just do me a favor and stay away from me and Nini, okay?”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t act like my best friend or her boyfriend. Just stop. Why can’t you just be real?”

“Look, I’m trying to make the best out of a bad situation.”

“Don’t! Don’t try, it’s embarrassing.”

“Dude, I’m just trying to apologize.”

“You want to do that? Let’s start with that thirsty voicemail you left on Nini’s phone. She doesn’t need to hear from you anymore.”

“Wait, what? How do you know about the voicemail?”

“Just go home.” EJ shoulder-checked the other boy before walking off.

Ricky looked at you since you were the only other person there.

“Don’t listen to him, Ricky. He’s always like that at camp so it doesn’t do any good to bother. Just… Maybe it’s time to let Nini go?”

“What?” He asked in disbelief.

You held your hands up in surrender and scurried out of the bathroom. Naturally, while you were mortified, Kiana was proud of you. You thought she would somehow blow the speaker on your phone as she screamed at your first confrontation.

“It was only a matter of time before theatre brought you out! Yes, girl!”

“Kiana, no, he probably hates me for even sugg—”

“Woah, woah, calm down. No one hates you. Remember Deb’s words.”

“I’m in my head,” you repeated with her what your therapist said. “I know. But I still feel it.”

Kiana just sighed and moved on when you asked her too. She was still proud of the progress that you made with just the little bathroom incident. True to Kiana’s word, Ricky didn’t even bring up what you said. He was way more focused on EJ’s words. And everyone was more focused on the fact that EJ was actually the one who stole Nini’s phone. It was a good thing that he was Chad and not Troy because the tension was so palpable between the couple that it was suffocating. You noticed more than once that it was just EJ and Nini who were out of it during rehearsal. You took in a deep breath and jumped up to go sit next to Ricky during break.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I just… you seem down?”

“I’m not. I’m fine.”

Ricky jumped up immediately when Ms. Jenn said it was time to block out Troy and Gabriella’s duet. You pouted a little as everyone got back to work. Ricky definitely seemed anything but fine. It was obvious when he kept making mistakes and didn’t have any of his stuff with him to rehearse. Ms. Jenn and everyone else just seemed frustrated.

“Ricky! You cannot behave like this in theatre. You need to be prepared, you made a commitment to be here and unless there’s a real problem then you nee—”

“Ms. Jenn!” You raised a shaky hand in the air when you noticed it looked like Ricky was on the verge of tears. “Can we just take a break, maybe? It’s a lot right now.”

Ricky looked up from where he was staring at the floor. He just stared at the side of your face for a minute before closing his eyes in relief. You gave him a little nod before leaving the room after Ms. Jenn decided to dismiss everyone instead of just taking a break. You were at your car door when a hand tapped your back. You turned to see Ricky.

“Th-thank you. I’m just going through something right now and I jus—”

“Ricky. You don’t have to tell me, you just looked like you needed someone to say something.”

“My parents are getting a divorce,” he blurted out.

You felt like you glitched out for a moment, not sure of what to say. Ricky watched your hands gesture towards your car.

“I-wow, I-I’m sorry. Um, do-do you want to get some ice cream and talk about it? Or not! You don’t have—”

“Actually, that sounds great right now. If you don’t mind.”

“No, it’s fine.”

Ricky naturally slipped into the passenger’s seat of your car. He really needed to be anywhere but school or his own house. You two didn’t talk at all on the way to the ice cream shop. Honestly, Ricky was okay with that. He didn’t have many words at the moment anyway. You two didn’t talk while picking out ice cream flavors and you guys didn’t talk as you sat back in your car to eat the ice cream. It wasn’t until halfway through the ice cream that you spoke.

“It probably hurts because it’s so fresh but later it won’t be so bad,” you tried to offer.

“Sure it won’t.”

“Everything eventually gets better even if it seems like it won’t… my therapist says that.”

The boy actually gave out a small laugh. “Can you recommend them to me? You need a therapist?”

“Um, social anxiety stuff.”

“Oh. Yeah, you are kind of quiet. I mean it’s crazy you went to camp with EJ and Nini and they never noticed… What?”

“I’ve been going to school with you and the others since kindergarten.”

Both of Ricky’s eyebrows raised. “What? Like actually? Me, Kourt, Big Red, Nini?”

“Yeah, all of you.”

“Wow, you really do need a therapist— That didn’t come out right, sorry. I didn’t— I just mean that you are really shy then. You know what? That’s my fault actually, you think you would notice the same girl in your class since we were five,” Ricky tried his best to recover accidentally insulting you. He just shoved another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth, believing that he made the situation worse.

“It’s fine, I got what you meant… Do you need me to drop you home? Do you even want to go home?”

“Honestly?” Ricky looked out the window. “Not right now.”

“Then do you want to come to my house? My older sister is visiting and she’s a chef. We’re having Michelin Star steak tacos.”

“That sounds fantastic. Thanks, Y/N, really.”

You just shook your head to say it wasn’t a big deal and sped out the ice cream parking lot.

(part 3)

PERMANENT TAGLIST:

@venomsvl @peaches-n-sunscreen @summerellaz @supernaturallover2002 @sambucky8 @9daykrisr @thebitchinleo @23victoria @scarlets-widow @pagetpagetpagetpaget @lovexnatasha @awesomebooklover17 @1234-angelika @imatrisk @blackreaderatrisk @princess-jules47 @alexloveskili @a-marie-a @siriuslysirius1107

#hsmtmts #hsmtmts fic #ricky bowen x reader

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andiwriteordie · 1 year

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The end of the year is near! Give a shoutout to your favorite blogs and tag them to spread positivity before the year ends!

oh my god can i just slap half of byler tumblr onto here? probably not which is Dumb bc there are so many wonderful people in this community whom i am sending all my love and virtual hugs and tissues to (sorry i made you cry this year).

anyways umm category 5 emotional event incoming:

@astrobei my suni astrobei, my dear beloved, sweet unofficial little sister. you are so talented. so smart. so funny. so kind. and just one of the best people to grace this website. i love how grounded you are, how you make people feel so at ease to talk to you, how humble you are for being one of The Byler Writers Ever, how everybody just is so drawn to you because you are genuine and kind and supportive always. the byler community is so lucky to have you in it, but more importantly (sorry guys this is about me <3), i'm lucky to have you in my life bc you're amazing!!! ilysm!!!!

@wiseatom thea wiseatom, my sweet thea mouse with her bindle oh my GOD, where do i even begin? thea, truly you are one of the absolute best people here, and there is something to be said about how much you love your friends and how caring and gracious and wonderful you are. not to mention you might just be the funniest person i know, like pls i cannot count how many times you've made me laugh. also. i am still NOT OVER i'm caught up in you and i am frothing at the mouth waiting for exes fic because i know it's gonna wreck me in the best way possible, and i just think you're the bestest person ever that's it! <3 ily!!!!

@bookinit02 HAVENNNNNNNNNN. oh my god, you were one of my first friends here, and i remember being so so like nervous and thinking "i hope she doesn't think i'm weird or like bothering her by talking to her!" but i am SO GLAD we became friends because you are just literally one of my dearest friends here, and even if we don't talk super often, i am so so grateful for you and for how funny and kind and thoughtful you are!!! your fics kill me every time. shed scene you will always be famous. duffer brothers get out of the way, just let haven bookinit write the damn show already.

@messrsbyler nic? aka my personal pain in the ass? the demon on my shoulder? ugh god if i say anything nice about you, i feel like i'm going to be sentencing myself to 7 more years in hell with you. can't believe god decided "let's ruin the world and send andi into it," then got bored and said, "let's ruin it some more and send nic into it" a few days later. ok fine i'm done being not nice, stg don't make me regret this. nic, your brain holy shit. the way you understand characters (MIKE) and think of things to share with this community? dear god we're all suffering (in the best way) for it. not to mention i guess you're a nice friend. supportive and stuff. really nice. funny even if you annoy me. stuff like that. can't believe we decided to go feral over atla and now we're stuck in hell together.

@livsmessydoodles LIV LIV LIV MY SUNSHINE SWEET BELOVED LIV!!!!! oh my god, you are the best. literally so talented and so kind and so funny and so encouraging and also just so badass? like ok i'm not on twt anymore (rip to that hellhole) but the way you would so easily fire back at those people who tried to attack you asg jdle l HELP? but then like. you are also just the sweetest and friendliest person ever, and i??? i'm obsessed with you. your art makes me so emotional, and i cry ok. also thanks for putting up with me kicking your door down with sad byler thoughts. love you so so much.

@kidovna bhavna. ok. words cannot describe how much i adore you. you are literally one of the most talented people i have ever met in my life, so much so that i gush to my irl friends and family about your artwork and how cool i think you are. but more than that, you are truly just one of the most encouraging and most humble and one of the kindest people in our little byler fandom! i love how i constantly see you cheering others on and how i see you working with others and putting things together that make the community so excited (spider-will my beloved, thank you and every person who made this possible). your art never fails to make me smile and feel things, and i am sooooo lucky and grateful i get to call you my dear friend!

@elekinetic this is my official petition to put ella elekinetic in charge of stranger things 5. because hello. screenwriting. holy shit? holy shit. holyyyyy shit. ella, you are truly one of the most talented people i know, and usually, i read incredibly quickly because that's my default, but when i read your scripts i always take them so slow. i am like holding my breath in anticipation, feeling every single emotion, and i swear to you it's like i'm watching the show. and then on top of that you're just? one of the nicest people ever? literally i'm obsessed with you. thanks for coming to my tedtalk on why ella is the best.

@strangeswift abby abby abby abby!!!!! my stranger things x taylor swift partner in crime, you are THE BEST. god one of the highlights of the last few weeks of this year has been getting to know you because you're just such a joy to be around and to talk to. you have THE BEST takes on byler and on taylor swift, and i love how unabashedly nerdy i can be about this with you. also, i constantly see you on the tag just encouraging other people within this community, and look, i think that's really just such a special thing and is a testament to what an amazing person you are.

@toystoryfan TOY OH MY GOD. petition to make toy The Byler of the year please? because there is nobody i see lifting people up, making people smile, and brightening others' days like toy does. you are one of the most thoughtful and kind people i know. there is just a warmth and positivity to you that is SO wonderful, and it never fails to make me smile. i am hereby naming you sunshine incarnate and naming myself sunshine protector bc if anyone ever is mean to you, i'll end them.

@eightieslesbian MADDYYYYYYY. okay maddy, literally like i said with abby, one of the highlights of the last couple weeks of this year has been getting to chat with you and getting to know you!!! you are literally one of the sweetest people ever and also HELLO GIFSETS? THE GIFSET MAKER? OKAY. YEAH. THE COOLEST. plus our love for merlin has been resurrected (unlike arthur pendragon oof), and i love that for us. you always brighten my day whenever i see you around the tag, and i'm SO GLAD WE'RE FRIENDS <3

@smoosnoom MOON!!!!! a byler god among humans. the quality of fics that you put out is just absolutely outstanding? like i swear you don't miss, and i so appreciate how much thought and love and intention you put into your writing!!! literally top tier writing. and on top of that, you're incredibly sweet and so positive, so big win for the byler community that we have moon in it!!

@rotisserie5107 RORI!!!!!! rori oh my god, it's you and toy i swear. first off, you never fail to make me giggle when i see your tags or your comments because i swear you have the funniest commentary. rori comments are some of my favorite comments. i love how easygoing and friendly and funny you are and how easily you just vibe with everyone here? you're also SUCH an incredibly supportive and kind person, which makes this fandom an even better place. i return to work this week and i will be listening to ethel cain soon, so i will return to you with thoughts and feelings. 🫡

@wibble-wobbegong WIBBLE. ok i'm glad this ask came around bc i have been meaning to just stumble over into your asks and say this, but i'll do it here. wibble, first off, you're SO incredibly smart and do SUCH a wonderful job at analyzing the show and all its nuances. like bless you and your ministry. but second off, more than that (and not that the show and the fandom isn't important, but look there's also more to life than stranger things lmao), i can say without a doubt that you are truly one of the kindest people in the byler community. you always come across as so humble and so welcoming and so kind, which i think is often lacking (because it is the internet lmao), so it's always such a breath of fresh air to see you on my dash! also legit one of the funniest people ever ok?!!

god okay. that was so many people, and i could go on and on and on (and i have half a mind to just reblog this and add more people to it) because there are so so so so many people not on this list that i could gush about... but i'm hungry and probably need to go eat something since i skipped dinner last night. so that's it, thanks for making my 2022 brighter!!!

#andi's asks #you guys never ask someone whose top language is words of affirmation #and who literally cannot stop talking #to say nice things about her friends #because i will never ever EVER shut up #i kept going and being like and and and oh no SHIT I HAVE MORE TO SAY

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singbluesilverblog · 2 months

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Kal post !!

Hey everyone, it's Kal. I'm the second admin of this blog (: I thought I'd also share some information about myself just as Abby did.

Like Abby stated, I met her late August online and our lives have never been the same since (but in a good way!) We instantly clicked, and we never run out of things to chat or laugh about. So one day a couple weeks ago, I came up with the idea of us starting our own project together, and I'm really glad we did! With our blog we'll be able to show you guys our personality and interests within the classic rock community!

I've always been around music as my family is quite musically inclined and my parents would always show me their favorite artists from various different decades (but mainly the 1970s from my mom hehe) I grew up listening to the Bee Gees, The Carpenters, America, Fleetwood Mac, Queen, and much more! I am forever grateful that I was introduced to so many genres of music and fashion because those aspects have really become a big part of my life. Music has saved me so many times, and learning about my favorite bands also makes me so happy!

I got heavily into classic rock a couple years ago when one of my friends and I saw Bohemian Rhapsody in theaters. It absolutely blew me away! As soon as the movie ended, I was searching and searching about Queen and its members (Roger Taylor is my fav (; but so is Freddie!)

Abby and I are so excited to show you guys our brains and how we feel about fashion, media, music, etc. She wasn't kidding when she said I was the Lennon to her McCartney either (: so hopefully we never divorce! ha ha ha.

No but really, I'm very happy to have her in my life. We are almost the same person it's crazy <3 the sun to my moon.

Excited for more to come! Stay tuned!

#80s music #duran duran #music #the beatles #70s music #70s aesthetic #queen band #vinyl records

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 months

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I completely forgot to tell you something Dani. I was on a mini-vacation last month, where i surprised by BFFs after 5-7 years. We all live in different cities and somehow i got to meet them all and catch up. So, as usual we were all catching up on what new movies/shows/books we are into. You updated the new IALS-Mavid 2nd first time story and i told my friends I will need 20 minutes apart just to read it. Once i was done, they ALL inquired what i was reading. So, I introduced you to my BFFs. I vaguely informed what you do for work BUT, i mainly talked about your writings. I told them i introduced you to Jeff Buckley and showed your responses to "asks" i sent you. They were absolutely in awe of you. And i explained how you write your characters. I said "the characters and their traits are the same, but it takes place in different genres. For eg, one genre is a pure YA-another dimension fairytale with demons & angels, another genre is normal day-to-day life, another genre is about a strong political-influential family dynamics on how it affects their mental health." I specifically mentioned how you tackle and highlight mental & sexual health aspects of each character, and how they take steps to become a healthy individual to their loved ones & their community. So, one of my friends said, "oh, so it's like you're playing a video game with the same characters, but in different settings." They just loved hearing about you. And these are the following things they mentioned: 1. You should keep writing more. 2. You should release books & novels. 3. You should start a podcast. 4. You always interact with your mutuals. 5. You listen, comprehend and suggest recommendations to your mutuals. 6. You are a badass. It was so nice to share your work and art with my BFFs. We 4 have gone through some life changing moments in our lives, and to be able to talk about how impactful you are (via your work, writings, etc) and to tell them was amazing. Hopefully i can tell them this as well later on. SO, THANK YOU DANI.

I was cutting onions for dinner prep and I wasn't crying them BUT I AM CLOSE NOW.

This is so incredibly sweet of you - to not just share this with your friends, but also share it with me now.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am sooooo grateful for this.

And so lovely to see this wonderful group of friends. People you can share your happiness with are much less common than people we can share our pain with.

These friends sound lovely. Hold them close no matter what 💜

#love for dani #my writing

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trouffle · 4 months

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blah blah life update cus i’m sick and it’s a void moon today & im procrastinating breakfast

in 2023 i started and lost 2 jobs (both location closures) & the second one was the closest i ever got to financial “stability” ut it was also a server job in lower manhattan so. need i say more. now i’m a bartender at a movie theater working 15-20 hours a week (which i did at my last job making 500-800 base cus rich ppl are insane and autograt is a blessing) when i was guaranteed upwards of 30-35 during the hiring process and i truly have no clue what miserable hell i’m about to launch myself into finding a job that pays me more than $50 a shift post-tax. it is so stressful and makes me feel so ashamed even tho i have familial support bc it feels like i should just be… doing “better” aka making more money. side note, one of the customers at my old job accidentally dropped a $100 bill, i brought it to her instead of pocketing it to let her know, she most definitely didn’t realize nor cared she literally looked at it like it was a single and they still left $0 in tip…. lol america

but then i step back and realize what i’ve been doing in the name of passion all last year. after planning since summer 2022, my first ever drag performance was in feb 2023. my first ever produced show was april 2023 and it was longform, experimental narrative drag derived from my own astrology practice. i’ve co produced 2 shows (would’ve been 3 but we cancelled and it was a bad move..)

and now going into 2024 i’m producing my first ever rave and debuting as a dj this monday. i’m booked for an experimental drag-noise show at one of my fav venues, just bought a camcorder and got my point n shoot fixed (i didn’t know how to take out.. the film 😔), have my first live model figure drawing, & am on the track to keep producing shows and beginning to take over dj mom’s collective. after i lost my second job i turned towards drag / my freelancing work i marketed via drag to pay my bills and all it did was excessively burn me out, brought me to the edge of despising drag & wanting to quit it all. the instance i chose money over passion the entire ENTIRE process was ruined. i took a step back, started djing, and if i thought drag saved my life BEFORE it def was all leading up to this as i’m ushering in a new dimension of creativity and musicianship into my desperately burnt out soul from graduate school & a decade of classical music training

i am fucking terrified of what 2024 will bring bc in 2023 i lost 2 jobs AND 2 of my best friends via conflict and have just felt so unbearably ashamed and confused bc idk i have credit card debt and rent to pay?????? it’s so fucking confusing being alive but i truly don’t think i would be here if it wasn’t for pursuing drag in the last year or so give or take. i am so so so immensely grateful for it and find myself in constant shock & awe that this is where i am

its scaryyyyy to be as publicly and openly vulnerable as you have to be a public artist holy shit esp when ppl are so gleefully cruel nowadays bht i wouldn’t trade it for the world, esp cus irs brought me to actual community & a sense of home i’ve never felt in any institutions or with my family. i’m scared bht i’m grateful. i’m tired but there’s so much to look forward to. rn i’m just sick as fuck with a respiratory infection but my show is in 2 days :3

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big-boah · 2 years

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Disability Pride month is almost over, and I wanted to share my story about my own experiences with disability.

I have autism, ADHD, TBI, PTSD, deafness, and a few others! 🤟

Under the cut:

Here's my story:

When I was born, the doctors gave my mom drugs to cause contractions because I was sleeby and very late, and it wasn't until my mom almost died that they found out I was in the wrong position and couldn't be born naturally, while also being choked by the cord. (I was covered in bruises until I was like, 2.) I sustained a mild TBI from that and I was lucky I guess, because it could've affected me differently. (My mom also didn't know she was pregnant for a while and both parents had/have substance abuse issues. I had a rough start lol)

As a kid, I started reading and speaking very early, but I would only talk about things that I cared about/infodump. I clearly had attention problems--I couldn't focus on something unless I was absorbed by it. I had meltdowns because of sensory issues regularly. I also had a speech impediment and a weird accent that I got speech therapy for for a year.

My parents were told I was likely autistic when I was about 5 or 6, as I would only show 2 emotions: unabashed joy, and meltdowns. Otherwise I just...look angry lmao. I went through a lot of bullying in school and ended up being diagnosed with depression with generalized anxiety disorder by the time I was 11.

I've always had horrible coordination issues/apraxia/dyspraxia and I still struggle with it daily. I've broken so many bones y'all 😅

I was diagnosed with autism and suspected ADHD when I was 13 and again my parents did nothing with that. The school offered services because I was struggling, even though we were a low-income family in a small low-income school with grades K-12 in one building they did what they could to help. I was in special education classes as well as advanced classes at the same time until high school when I switched to all advanced/college level classes. One therapist at school helped me learn ASL to deal with the speech generation issues and I am forever grateful for that.

I've been writing stories since I was 6-7ish and writing to communicate was my favorite. By the time I was in middle school I learned to mask, and I studied people and psychology obsessively so I could understand why people did things. I didn't have any friends until this time although I did try (but no one else wanted to pretend to be a dog or a mage or play DBZ with me, well fuck you too! 😜)

My parents tried to get me to be normal so they forced me to join a sport when I was 8. An dyspraxic 8 year old playing softball lmao. I hated it. My dad wound up coaching the team 2 years in, because I was getting bullied BY THE OTHER DAD COACHES hahaha. I was forced to do that for 7 years.

I joined the bowling team in middle school of my own accord, and ended up being like the "backup team" where it was literally 3 of us from the special ed class 😂but I loved it! I got to hang out and bowl and everyone was really supportive there. I made some good friends for the first time.

My parents forced me to get a job and pay rent starting on my 15th birthday and of course I started working at the mall, on Black Friday, in retail. I am great at masking in very short bursts, literally just acting a script, and this is why I only feel comfortable leaving the house if I'm in character 😅So job interviews have never been too difficult thankfully. I had to get out of the whole abusive house situation ASAP so I started full time at an auto shop on the corner of my street the same time I started college, bought a used 2-door black Pontiac Grand Am from some guy on Craiglist with my own money, and moved out when I turned 17. I moved in with my best friend at the time who was also autistic, into a house we were renting from a friend's mom who was in the military.

I started experiencing chronic pain around this time, and had my first Meniere's flare up the first month of college. I was diagnosed with Meniere's at 18 as well as migraines, but my dad and grandfather had the symptoms start around the same age and they were never diagnosed, it was just considered "genetic hearing loss." Basically I have flare ups where I get too dizzy to sit up and my ears go out completely, then when they open back up it's never the same as it was before the flareup. It's been 10 years of this and I'm completely deaf in my left ear and half deaf in my right ear. I wear hearing aids and without them I can't really understand sound, and because of the nerve damage I usually can't tell where sound is coming from when I hear it, which is...an experience lol.

When I was 23, I woke up one day with a huge blind spot (scotoma) in the center of my left eye. I still can't see out of it. I started having other nerve issues in other parts of my body, they did a bunch of tests and found significant weakness in my legs which were also spasming, and all that improved over a year. I am still in the "we have no idea" zone for MS, after MRIs showed possible lesions but it would explain a lot. 🤷🏻‍♂️They told me it could be fibromyalgia or a virus too, but who knows at this point. Just a lot of inflammation.

I personally think a whole lot of this is caused by burnout. The timing is suspicious...

When I was 25 (2019) the nerve issues came back with a vengeance and it corresponded with an extremely stressful job situation. I went through the same tests, which were all inconclusive, again. I have extreme pain in my hands, hips, and feet during these flareups where I can't walk at all or sleep or move, and my ankles will go so numb I get drop foot in both feet and have to wear braces. 😅Eventually the nerve inflammation heals and it takes a few months, but its never the same after.

During this time I also experienced a mental health crisis, SI, and a rapid decline in executive/cognitive functioning due to burnout, because I'd been working full time for 8ish years at that point and autistic burnout is a real thing. I haven't really recovered from that honestly. Which makes work and being alive change to "Expert Mode" from "Hard".

In April 2021, I fell in the shower and sustained a skull fracture w/ moderate TBI. I am much more emotional now than I was before the TBI, my memory is worse, and my migraines have been worse since.

I can't shower unsupervised anymore. I can't do most things unsupervised except work and drive. (I may have issues, but I have always been a damn good driver! I honestly think it's because I played Grand Turismo with my dad's pedal and brake set on PS 1 for years!)

Even before all of that stuff, I knew I could never live alone. I've always lived with friends who knew my situation, and I moved in with my husband 2 weeks after we met and we've been living together since. (10 years now!) I can't do a lot of stuff like cook or use scissors or lift heavy stuff, and I have meltdowns where I will hurt myself without meaning to, it's just always been that way. I can't go out on my own either except for short trips like appointments, due to the fact that I will completely dissociate when I'm overstimulated and my brain function just ceases to exist. I get stuck often (autistic catatonia).

I am now 28 and I'm hanging on to full time work by my last thread. I am grateful I work from home doing software support, but any kind of full time work gives me burnout, which turns into inflammation and physical stress, which makes work harder, etc, it's a lovely spiral! Therapy has been helping me a ton. I've been in all kinds of therapy of my own accord over the last 10 years, and I currently work with an occupational therapist and a therapist who specializes in neurodivergent adults with PTSD.

Without working full time I can't afford therapy and my long list of meds that keep me functional (I can't work without a VERY delicately balanced cocktail of stimulants, benzos, hormones, antidepressants, and THC. I absolutely HATE this with a passion, if I didn't have to work full time, I wouldn't need all the drugs.) There's going to be a day where I wake up and cannot work anymore, and it'll be sooner than later. When that day comes, we'll just have to move to somewhere less expensive and/or back with our wonderfully toxic families. /s

(That's what being disabled in America is like when you're white and have "level 3 autism" and come from a low-income family with many substance abuse problems.)

My husband is neurodivergent too, he's autistic and has ADHD. He can't mask his stimming much, and he's not very smooth socially (its adorable) but he doesn't have the executive function difficulties I do and he does not have apraxia, we're all different! I always get "fake mad" at him because he does things so perfectly the first time, like making the bed or baking or even wiping something off I'm like whoa 👀. It makes me ANGRY 😠/s.

Whatever, he's lucky he's cute.

I can't end anything on a depressing note so I will say that I've grown a lot as a person just in the last 2 years especially since the PTSD diagnosis, and my relationship with my partner is a miracle and I don't believe in that stuff. He has always helped me with everything, selflessly, since day 1. (He's the reason we haven't had to hire any outside help yet, he does the supervising and I don't mind one bit! 🥰)

Writing has always been a very cathartic activity for me, and I started doing a journal "as Vegeta" as a way to help my anxiety. Those journals are being stitched together into my fic on AO3 called "Chances" (linked!) which is goofy self-projecting fanfiction but Vegeta and Goku's characters are literally just me and my husband, 1:1. 😂He learned ASL for me, and we always have a blast in our little corner of the world. Our entire mission in life together is to just have the best time possible, responsibly, because life is short.

But yeah that's my disability story! I can't write anything short so if you made it to the end, here's a cookie 🍪and 🤟. If you're my internet friend, maybe this will help you get to know me better!

#actually autistic #autistic adult #actually adhd #semiverbal #semispeaking #deaf #late deafened #disability pride month #actually disabled #personal #my story #dan posts #tbi #ptsd #complex pstd

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nothanksehh · 2 years

Text

Hear Me Now pt. 1

A/N: Hi friends! Welcome to my new series that I have no idea how long it will be or what will happen because I am just letting my brain lead where it will. There have been a couple of inspirations for this for a while now and I am sure the concept has been done before somewhere but I just haven't found any to read so I thought I would make it myself. Let me know what you think and if you love it let me know! Words that are in italics are the soulmates communicating with eachother. Warnings: soulmate au, fluff, angst, slow burn to eventual smut, bang chan and y/n, more to come I am sure

There is just something about a soulmate that makes people look at life differently. There are so many types of love that you can experience in a lifetime but the value set on finding your soulmate has soared in the last hundred years. Thanks to some weird phenomenon people have been hearing what their soulmate hears throughout their normal everyday life.

And it isn't all people and even if you have one it won't start until you turn 18. No one knows why, maybe some people just don't have a soulmate or maybe their soulmate isn't part of this lifetime yet. All I know is that the second you turn 18 there is an absurd amount of attention put on you to see if you will be one of the lucky ones.

And somehow I am one of the people who get to experience it. When I turned 18 I started hearing his world. Even though it was only about two weeks ago that it happened, I haven't heard much. From what people know you don't hear everything all the time. Just small snippets of their day here and there. They say that the stronger the emotion the person is feeling determines if you will hear your soulmate. There was a study done where they got soulmates together and tested it.

So far all I know is that he does something with music, he is older than me, and his name is Chan. He sounds like he has a band with his friends. We haven't even had time to talk about anything with how busy I have been. Being in the process of moving out to go to college has consumed all of my attention.

But the semester would start soon and I would be able to get some of the weight of moving off my plate. My family didn't exactly fight me on moving so far away for college. Being from a small town always made me want to experience the big city life in New York. I am going to be majoring in musical theater performance.

And from there who knows what I will do. There are shows everywhere in the world that I could be a part of. I made sure to take language classes in high school and I will be taking more in college as well. For now, I just speak English and French, but with college lessons, I will be able to add Korean to that mix. I already know a few basics of the language from growing up but to be fluent is my goal.

As I have done every morning for the past two weeks waking up, I tell the empty room good morning. Just in case Chan could hear it. He hasn’t said it back yet so maybe he can’t hear it. Sometimes I am grateful for not having to share a dorm with another person. I have always enjoyed being sort of a loner. That and I am not sure I am going to tell anyone about my soulmate yet.

I decided that today I was going to walk around the campus and see if there are any good places to scope out for food. On my walk I noticed some mumbling coming from Chan. He sounded frustrated. Not wanting to look like a weirdo, I ducked into an alleyway and spoke.

"Hey, Chan? Are you alright?"

Oh, hi. Umm yeah I will be. Just something making me a little upset.

"Well whats wrong? Maybe I can help?"

It was quiet for a long time, I almost decided to just go back to trying to find food before he finally answered.

It is mainly work things that are frustrating me, nothing for you to worry about. It just means today is going to be another busy one.

"Oh, alright..." I'm not going to lie that I am a little disappointed by his answer. Is it so wrong for me to want to help him? He must have heard that I was upset because he continued to talk to me.

This is awkward... I am sorry. I didn't mean to not let you in it's just I am a pretty private person. I am adjusting to you being able to hear me and I am sure it will take time for me to actually open up fully. Forgive me?

It was the most he had ever spoken to me but it softened me somehow. "Of course, I can forgive you. You... well you're my soulmate. How could I not?"

Good, thank you. Although I do have one complaint.

"What? Has our one conversation gone wrong somehow?" You heard him laugh with you at your small joke.

I don't even know your name, but you seem to have heard mine. I could trade another piece of information though?

"Hmm, very tempting Chan. Okay, what is your favorite band? Answer that and I will tell you my name." Chan immediately laughed, for what reason I'm not sure.

My favorite band... hard to say. Let's go with a disclaimer that if you listen to them you can't judge that it is K-Pop. The band is Stray Kids.

"Oh, I actually like K-Pop a little bit, I haven't listened to them before. I am actually learning Korean so it can be a study project too!"

You are learning Korean? That is fantastic! I happen to be fluent so any time you want to talk in Korean let me know!

"That would actually be a huge help! Thank you! And for my end of our little bargain, my name is Y/N."

Y/N... what a pretty name.

I feel like I could hear him smiling as he said my name. It sent a bunch of butterflies straight to my stomach.

Well my dear, Y/N. I have to go about my day now. I hope that we can talk more. Just this little bit has already made me feel better.

"You are very welcome. Hear ya later." After that, we both stopped talking. I heard him walk around the room he was in for a little before it went silent again. I was so consumed in our small conversation I forgot that I was outside. I made my way to the small cafe I had seen and went about my day.

***

Nighttime came quicker than I would have thought and as I made my way back to my dorm on a full stomach I thought about Chan. Curious about so many things, there was so much that I didn't know about him. Where did he live? What was his job? What did he even look like?

When I reached my room, I immediately climbed into bed and pulled out my phone and airpods. I at least knew what his favorite band was, and that was something. All night I listened to the songs made by Stray Kids. They were all really good. I don't think that there had ever been a group where I liked every single song on an album, Stray Kids would be the first exception to that.

It looked like they had released an album earlier this year and one song, in particular, stood out to me. "Waiting For Us" was the song's name, the first time I listened to it I had tears in my eyes. I replayed that song over and over again. The voice of the person in the first chorus kept catching my attention. There was something so comforting about the way he sang, familiar almost.

And when I finally listened to other songs, that same voice kept giving me chills every time I heard it. This was definitely going to be the start of my K-Pop addiction, I can already tell.

CHAN

I think that as soon as I told her what my "favorite band" was I regretted it. How easy it would be for her to just look up the members and find out that I was their leader and she would know. If she didn't already know, my voice is too distinct. What a cheap way to tell her who I am, I just couldn't actually tell her outright. It seemed too strange.

When I told JYP that my soulmate heard me for the first time there were so many meetings. Being the first of our group to hear their soulmate was bound to come up and I saw no use in hiding it. Better to get it out of the way as soon as possible to give everyone time to make sure it wasn't going to cause a fiasco.

JYP had settled on the fact that it would be up to what type of person she was and how we would handle it from there. The only real demand from the meeting was that I wait to tell her my full identity until I know a little more about her. It wasn't my favorite thing in the world.

I actually downright hated that I had to hide myself from her. I don't know if I was trying to rebel when I told her or if I was trying to get around his wishes but I am sure regretting it now. I have been so in my head worrying all day that I have messed up several times now in dance practice. I am sure that the others have noticed but they haven't said anything. I told them what was going on, it was pointless to hide things from my brothers.

We finally wrapped up for the night and I headed straight home. We had all agreed to order dinner tonight and eat at one of the condos. Half of them went to go grab food and the others of us went to the house to get it cleaned up a little bit. Not that we were particularly messy in the 3 Racha and Hyunjin dorm, but we had just slightly less time to clean than the others.

With a meal finally in my stomach, I felt like I was slowly relaxing. Felix and Han were making jokes about Seungmin earlier in practice and we were all laughing and having a good time when I heard it. It was almost like I was in the studio getting the tracks ready.

Hearing Y/N listen to our songs stopped me mid-laugh and the others stopped to look at me.

"What's going on, Chan? Do you hear your soulmate?" Felix asked me eagerly. Being the first to hear their soulmate had made Felix especially curious about the whole thing. Not that the others weren't curious as well, but Felix had been the most excited.

"She, Y/N... she is listening to our songs." I managed to choke out with a slight smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

They all had different expressions but Jeongin was the first to speak.

"She clearly needed to hear my voice. Which songs is she listening to?" he said.

"She is listening to 'Waiting for Us', on repeat actually. She keeps playing it over and over again."

"Ahh, see?" Jeongin said, "She can't get enough of me. I am pretty hard to resist."

I laughed and smacked his arm. The mood in the room went back to normal and we all kept talking until it was late into the night. And the whole time as I went to sleep that night I thought about her listening to our songs. It brought me more happiness than I thought it would, and for once I slept really well.

***

In the morning, I woke up feeling refreshed. For the first day in a while, we had a free day and were able to do whatever we wanted. I would normally spend this day as a catch-up time to work on songs that needed to be finished as the other members would go and spend time together. For whatever reason, I decided to join them today. A day off was excruciatingly needed in my department, maybe it would give me more opportunities to talk with Y/N.

I was determined to get to know her better, starting today. Any chance I got throughout the day I would ask if she wanted to talk with me, but I got nothing from her end. It was almost the end of the day for me when she finally responded.

Hey, sorry I was asleep. School starts tomorrow and I wanted to get a good night's rest. Guess I slept too long.

"Oh! Hi! I am happy you slept well, what are you going to be studying in school?" Did I sound too eager? Could she tell that I had been waiting for this moment all day? She must have been able to tell because she laughed when she responded.

Thank you, I am going to be studying musical theater here in New York.

New York? So far away, but that would make sense why she didn't respond sometimes. Why our schedules seem to hardly overlap.

"Wow, that is awesome. Can I hear you sing sometime? I promise to give you something in return." I knew I couldn't promise her to hear me sing just yet, no matter how badly I wanted her to hear it.

Hmmm, that is very tempting. Let me see, what would I want in return from you? I am assuming that you live in Australia from the accent, although that doesn't explain the Korean you speak so frequently. Seems like too easy of a thing to ask where you live in exchange for my singing expertise. What if I ask for your phone number? It would be nice to have a solid form of communication with you to get to know you better.

"I will give you two things then, I did use to live in Australia, but I live in South Korea now. I was born here but grew up for a while in Australia. And you can for sure have my number, we mainly use a chat app here but I am pretty sure you can download it in the US?"

I gave her all the details and even got my first message from her. It was just a tiny heart emoji but it sent butterflies straight to my stomach. I sent her a heart back and saved her under Y/N-ie.

She said she had to go after that but we messaged the rest of the day. Getting to know her had to be the best part of my day. She loved cats, theater, learning about what foods people loved so she could cook for them, and she had big dreams to travel the world someday.

I could already tell how much she meant to me. And it surprised me how well we would fit together, I guess she wouldn't be my soulmate if we weren't supposed to complete each other's puzzles. I told her little things about myself in return and it felt like there was a weight lifting off my shoulders with every bit of myself I gave to her. If I didn't pace myself I would be telling her exactly who I was before I could stop it from happening.

Y/N

It had barely been any time since I had heard Chan and I already knew I loved him. I thought about him all day long as I attended my first day of classes. In between scouting out pathways to lectures and stuffing my brain with all the syllabi from the professors were thoughts of Chan. What was he doing today? What did he even look like? Was he thinking about me as much as I was thinking about him?

The only thing that held me to the ground was the music he had introduced me to. I messaged him how badly he ruined me by showing me this band. They had quickly become my favorite and I didn't even know that much about the members. As I got home that night I settled myself in front of my computer and googled them. 8 members, all living in South Korea. I looked at the images of their faces and was absolutely stunned. They were all gorgeous! How were human beings this god-like even allowed to exist?

I started to deep dive into the individual members' info pages. They had a member around my age, even though he was older by a few years. I started with his page, Jeongin. And as I worked my way up through the members I continued to be floored by them. I made a point to ask Chan if he knew Felix had been from Australia too? Maybe that is what brought him to like the band in the first place.

But as I scrolled up, and was met with the information on their leader my whole body froze. I didn't know whether to be upset, cry, or think I had been lied to even though he didn't outright lie. I did know however that I put all my displeasure into my tone when I called out his name.

"Chan, are you serious right now?" I don't know if I had ever heard myself get so upset before.

What? Are you alright? What's wrong?

I could tell how worried he was, and it almost made me feel bad for my tone. "I don't know what is going on but I would very much so enjoy an explanation Mr. Bang Chan of Stray Kids."

He was quiet. I was quiet, waiting.

So, maybe I should start at the beginning...

This is going to be a long night.

#bang chan #bangchan #straykids #stray kids #bangchan x reader #chris bang #skz #bang chan fanfic #bangchan fanfic

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