#i am so tired. but these things are worth celebrating. and im proud of me for still being here. even with current me's mess and horrors.

[binders-and-beanies]

Mental health updates under the cut I guess (tldr I’m still not ok but am taking steps to keep myself safe or whatever)

Told my supervisor I’m in crisis and he was super understanding n supportive n whatnot. We both are trans and have mental health issues and work in an lgbt center so one would hope it’s safe to be honest abt that kind of thing but it was a relief bc it also opened up a conversation abt scheduling moving forward n me having like 2 or 3 days off a week as opposed to the current 1 or 0. Esp since higher ups want me to work less anyways im like that’s totally fine bc i have a million things to do outside of work all the time.

Other thing I did was cancel a workshop I was gonna lead next week and it was a really hard decision. I would have been proud afterwards and I’m worried abt having regrets but I’ve done the same workshop before so it’s off the bucket list or whatev. Person in charge of that was also super supportive for similar reasons as above. It doesn’t solve the problem of there always being too many things stressing me out, and I don’t wanna set a precedent that I can just not do my responsibilities, but it eases a big part of the stress this month specifically.

Ppl in my life are saying they’re proud of me for setting that boundary and it’s weird to be praised for bailing on smth when I’m also feeling big guilty abt it but I gotta remind myself that being flakey is absolutely normalized in society and if ur average person can do so on the regular then I’m allowed to take One step back once it’s gotten to the point where my safety is questionable. I’d like to get to a point where things don’t get that serious in the first place but I’ve also never rly appreciated feeling blamed for being in this kind of position when the kind of things I’m busy with are mostly 1) things that are required for survival and 2) things that make it feel worth surviving. As if this is smth i do to myself bc i just <3 capitalism or smth

Im stressin tho bc as mentioned earlier my job is at risk for unrelated reasons which also means a lot of other things are at risk. This is happening at the same time I’ve just lost my insurance and have my biggest ever college bill to pay. And now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what that will mean for my finances either. It would also mean it takes even longer to qualify for any kind of credit, and therefore an apartment.

Even if nothing happens and I just keep working here for another year as planned it’s like can I not get JUMPSCARED w my livelihood being threatened like there’s literally always at least one Huge actual life or death problem as well as many other less catastrophic but extremely stressful things to deal w. I’m tired of living like that w no relief and I hate that the best case scenario is this fear ends up being for nothing. I hate that I’m thinking abt what I’ll do in x y or z scenario for this summer and my masters if this falls through, instead of enjoying the relief of one less thing on my plate.

I hate that this is how I’m doing the day after my birthday. I had a fun birthday weekend and am grateful for the people I spent it with and the places I went but it didn’t feel like genuine celebration it felt forced, like I was doing it because I Have to have a good birthday. Bc if one of the most important days of the year isn’t joyful then where’s the hope of any other days getting better. I did enjoy it I just couldn’t Feel the enjoyment bc I’m so stressed and I had major breakdowns before and after my bday. It sets a bad tone regarding aging and I want to celebrate progress but it’s hard when the future is more terrifying every year.

I feel like even if all my problems were magically solved, my ability to feel joy is permanently altered and it’s hard to imagine feeling anything more positive than just like, relief and rest. Idk I say all that to say I’m proud of myself for taking steps to make life more livable just like I’ve always done but it also feels kinda hopeless like nothing I do matters if it’s gonna be constant stress regardless

#mine #txt #personal

[charmsonlinechatter]

im at my limit

no actually i am.

I'm at a breaking point. The weight of disappointment and frustration is suffocating, and it's starting to consume me. It's hard to put into words the pain that rips through my being, fueled by the realization that my parents actively and will still refuse to support me financially, despite my hard-earned achievements, despite how hard I try, no matter how heavy things are for me. The wounds are fresh, and I need to pour out the raw emotions that surge within me because if I dont I WILL just fucking kms

I did everything in my power to chase my dreams. You know how I was writing about how I owe it to myself to try and to get there. Countless sleepless nights, sacrificing social outings, and pouring my heart into my studies, my preparations for interviews—all of it was for a purpose. If I can't get into med school, then there must be something more out there right? I received an admission to both Yale and Oxford, two institutions that made me realize that I have hope for greatness and that there are endless possibilities. I thought my parents would share in my joy, that they would be proud and stand by my side. But their response was cold indifference, a shrug of their shoulders as if my dreams meant nothing, a shrug of disapproval.

It cuts so deeply because I know they are more than capable of providing the support I need. It's not a matter of financial incapability; it's a blatant choice to turn their backs on me. It's an active choice. A decision. I cant even explain the pain I feel when I see them lavishing resources on frivolous endeavors while disregarding their obligation to at least fund all my aspirations. It’s a punch in the gut, it's like a reminder that my dreams are inconsequential, nothing, and shouldn't be pursued if it's not directly beneficial to them.

How can they not see the dreams burning within me? How can they dismiss my potential and the sacrifices I've made? It feels like a betrayal, a rejection of my very being. and when I poured my heart out, hoping for a even just a drop of understanding, for them to recognize the magnitude of my dreams, how much I want to pursue it, how much I am passionate about it, all I received was indifference. No actually, scratch that. Indifference with empty promises of funding me next time for other stuff - which proves my point, they can fund me, they are more than capable of doing so. They will do everything but be a parent. Fund and give everything but the things I need.

I am so frustrated, so so so infuriated with the blatant ignorance and arrogance,,,,,,, I'm overwhelmed by a sense of isolation if that even makes sense. I fucking hate seeing others being supported by their parents, celebrating their achievements together, while I stand alone, abandoned by the ones who should be my greatest champions. Lost because how come my parents dont even recognize how I never gave them a hard time even as a child. Lost because how come my parents don't seem to understand how I am actually smart. It hurts beyond measure, kinda like a pang in my throat- i bet if it was my kuya they wouldve been shouting. I bet we would be celebrating. I never even got the celebration I deserved. Sobrang foolish, sobrang lonely, imagine having to celebrate your own Yale admission by eating tuna pie because all you have is yourself.

I wish I could find peace in my determination. I wish I could just refuse to let their unwillingness define me or derail me, pero I can't help it. Especially when they've been this way since I can remember. I wish i can turnl this frustration into fuel, propelling myself forward, relying on my own strength and the support of those who understand my worth pero tangina hindi. Kasi this is more than just them financing me. What kind of child, who's born into a good, more than comfortable family, has to negotiate for a loan just to get an ounce of money to fund for her tuition? I am your child. I am your obligation. I am so tired. I wish I didn't have to seek out scholarships, work tirelessly to fund my needs, and prove to myself and to them that I am capable and that I can make it just to prove to them that I am worth investing in.

Are my dreams invalid? is my worth measurable? and is my resilience actually unmatched - or do I just have no choice but to draw strength because refusing means quitting on myself.

I wish I can draw strength from someone, even an ounce of support, an ounce of 'im proud of you,' an ounce of credit, a little validation, a little 'look how far youve come," I really wish I make it, I wish zi can forge a future where my dreams are not shackled by financial circumstances and where my potential is celebrated, cherished, and nurtured.

I hope to lige in a world where dreams are embraced and the support we need is never withheld out of indifference. I wish to be in a better family where I am celebrated. Supported. Pag ako nagkaroon ng anak, hinding hindi niya to mararanasan. Magkakaroon siyang magulang na palagi syang paniniwalaan, hinding hindi ko isusumbat kahit piso.

[hourlyanin]

365/365

it's only 2 hours left before the 2022 end. after went through a lot of things, i cant believe i was be able to be here today. it has never been easy since forever, but im so proud of myself for endure it all well. so many things happened this year.

start from January 2022, it was the first time of me as a senior high school student going to school with full capacity since the pandemic start. i had a very hard that time. i used to cry on the way of going to school. i was tiring and i feel so bad for my dad. for made him to go through this kind of situation.

"if i were smart enough, dad wouldnt be this tired"

it might be difficult to me but honestly it was worth to be remembered. i made a lot of memory there, with my fellow mipa satu friends. it was a short time yet im so happy for meeting them. spatsa will always be missed

2. move to the February 2022, it was the month when i moved the new school which closest than before from house. smale. it was February 14th. the valentine days. i didnt celebrate it but it was the day when i feel so loved by God. i still can believe what's happening. i was screaming like insane even though i was puasa that time. "i have never felt this happy in my life" said me that time.

but just after one day after move the new school, i got sick. i was trying to adjusting myself in the new environment while enduring my pain on my stomache. it was a very difficult but thanks god Roschan helped me a lot that time

3. March 2022, finally moved to the new school. it was tough either because right after i went to school for the first time, my fellow friends whom i just met got a covid. i was tested for it but thanks god the result is negative. my school back to PJJ once again but on February 26th march my school announced that student are allowed to back to school again. when the first time i entered the class it felt so strange. i was so afraid that people wont accept me. i had a lot of bad thoughts which kill me inside. but thanks god i met a lot of nice person there. they welcomed and treat me so well hence i didnt feel lonely anymore. it was also the day when i finally met chan for the first time. he greeted me first.

4. April 2022, i had been spending a lot time talking with can in this period. we are getting close and closer than before. we used to share everything and here i am start to catch a feeling with him. i was hestitate at first but i made the first move and stuff then. it was a frustarting and fun phase at the same time but i enjoy it all. really

5. May 2022, we ended up together and celebrate our first Eid together. it was also the month of our first date. we went to Kota Kasablanka and watch a Doctor Strange. it was so awkward we cant even talk properly that time. we were too shy and afraid to make each others felt uncomfortable. we ate on Es Teler 77 either

6. June 2022, we are getting more comfortable. we went to mall and spend a good time there. it was the month when you kissed my cheek for the first time hehe. i was running because of shy

7. July 2022, i didnt remember it well but this month is one of worst one. we hurt each others and it caused a misunderstanding between us. we almost lose each others but our urge to stay together is bigger than it.

8. August 2022, i was sick right before ur birthday. i was caught fever because of exhausted that time but i forced myself not to miss ur birthday even though my condition didnt well. i was not going to school but you constantly said you miss me and want to see me. that things made me want to get better asap. i want to say happy birthday to you as a person than anyone

9. September 2022,

10. October 2022

11. November 2022

12 December 2022

[this-is-just-here-for-venting]

dont care about me dont be proud of me i dont deserve a single fucking thing

i dont want to have a graduation ceremony a year from now cause what the fuck did i do? i did the bare minimum and i cheated so much just to stay afloat 

i cant feel a fucking thing for myself in terms of accomplishments because of how stupid i am where i can either breeze thru from pressure or straight cheating cause i lack motivation to put any effort in cause each time i did i wanted to kill myself 

i cant feel strong feelings for anyone else and idk why. sexual i never felt that way. romantic i cant say i have but maybe. platonic ive had friends and i care from them sm but my fear of overstepping boundaries keep me from being what they need and i can never be what they need from me cause im so worthless and pathetic but i try for them even if i cant give anything

what can i do and why am i do pathetic why cant i just be better 

this all started cause i thought about why i dont want to attend graduation if/when i do in a year’s time and if i’m allowed to due to covid but i dont want to and would rather just have them send my diploma in the mail skip the fanfare and “celebration” and just keep going on w/ getting a job that doesnt make me suicidal cause i remember how much i hated highschool grad but there really isnt a reason huh

i dont want it because it’s so tiring and i dont want people around for that

i waste 4 years of my life just to get worse 

you want to force your presence onto me to give fake pride to me about doing what hurt me so much and it’s supposed to be a good thing????

i dont want to “celebrate” cause what else is there? 

i just want to keep moving forward after quietly cause there isnt a reason to acknowledge what i’ve done when you see it as the bare minimum to even be worth dirt to you. i dont want the attention. it makes me feel dirty and uncomfortable PLUS i dont want you here 

[haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles]

Shower Friends (Miya Atsumu x F!reader)

The dorm you live in has co-ed bathrooms. Why that’s remotely a good idea is beyond you; and recently, your precious shower time is being interrupted by a certain blonde haired setter for the volleyball team. When he lies to his teammates that he has a girlfriend, somehow you get roped into his scheme.

genre(s): college!au, fake dating, angst, fluff, mutual pining, enemies to lovers (kinda), eventual smut  words: 2.2k

a/n: and here we are at the end, tbh im a little sad this fic is over, it was so fun to write and i am DEFINITELY more in love with Atsumu than i was before

one | two | three | four | five |

Epilogue 

Four years have passed since you and Atsumu finally got together, and this is the third year in a row he has an away game scheduled on your anniversary. It’s hard for you to actually be mad, he can’t control his schedule. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be disappointed.

And Atsumu hates that he’s let you down again. Wanting more than anything to finally spend your actual anniversary together instead of substituting for an early or late celebration. You’re a good sport, and he loves you for that, supporting him and his volleyball career without complaint despite his long absences and track record of missing important events.

Though the night before he’s set to leave, you’re sitting beside him on the couch, tucked under his arm while the two of you watch something on the TV. For the past few minutes, you’ve been fiddling with his shirt between your fingers and he knows you’re gathering the courage to say something. He’s pretty certain he can guess what it’ll be about too. And all he can do is brace himself when he hears you huff.

“What if you mysteriously came down with something?” You finally say.

He has to laugh at that. “That’s pretty diabolical of you.”

You shrug, already feeling silly you brought it up at all. It’s not really a big deal, but it’s been three years since either of you were even in the same country on the day you swallowed your pride and stormed into his dorm room to confess to him. Sue you for being a bit put out by it.

“Did you poison my dinner or something?” His heart lifts at the small chuckle he gets out of you from that.

“No, but don’t give me any ideas.”

He rests his cheek on the top of your head, eyes still on the TV as he jokes, “Besides, ya think they have any chance of winning without me?”

He feels your smile against his chest, then jolts at the jab you give him in the side. But still you say, “They’d be nothing without you.”

Pulling you into his lap, he cradles your face in his hands and looks at you seriously. And even after four years, you’ve never gotten tired of the way he looks at you—still like you’re the most beautiful person he’s ever laid eyes on.

“I’m sorry,” he says sincerely. “I know it sucks.”

“It does,” you pout.

Pressing his forehead to yours he murmurs, “I’d be with you if I could.”

You love these intimate moments with him, when you both let your teasing natures fall away and all that’s left is how much you love each other. Even after four years, it’s still abundant, and somehow still growing every day. So, you sink into his embrace and reply, “I know.” And you do. That’s what makes it bearable. Knowing that even though he’s off in some exciting country, playing the game he loves—there isn’t a minute that goes by that he doesn’t think about you.

“You gunna watch the game?”

It so happens that this year, his game landed on the exact date of your anniversary. When he’d found out, he’d vowed to make you proud; to make him being away so often worth it to you. And it makes his heart swell when you say without hesitation, “Of course.”

So, a couple days later as he’s about to leave for the airport, he tugs you to him, lowers his lips to yours and kisses you as if he’s going off to war or something. He knows it’s a bit overkill, but he doesn’t really care. He wants to do everything he can to make it up to you. And damn, is he slapped in the face with how much he loves you when you finally separate and you tease him, “Sheesh, you’ll be back in a couple days.”

His response is to kiss you again and again muttering between kisses, “Gotta get my fill now to tide me over.”

He only leaves when you’re practically shoving him out the door. “You’re going to be late!” He reluctantly let’s go of you, hefts his duffel over his shoulder, takes his suitcase in hand and heads down the hallway towards the elevator. On his way there, you shout, “Say hi to the boys for me!”

He smiles smugly, winking over his shoulder at you. “Will do.” Knowing full well his teammates are extremely jealous of him because of you. And why yes—he absolutely does love rubbing you in their faces.

Once he’s out of sight, your smile falters as you shut the door and turn to your now empty apartment. A sadness falls over your heart that’s familiar but unwelcome. You have to find something to distract yourself, otherwise you’ll just let yourself wallow, which you know Atsumu wouldn’t want.

On the night of your anniversary, you eat dinner at Osamu’s restaurant as you normally do on the nights of Atsumu’s away games. You sit at the bar alone, watching the game on the many TV’s around that Osamu always has on the sports channel when Atsumu is playing. Tonight, you notice Osamu chats with you more than he normally does, and you’re certain he’s picked up on your somber vibes.

He even sits at the bar next to you, talking with you about the game and doing an excellent job of distracting you from the hole Atsumu always leaves whenever he’s gone. Tonight, that hole feels even bigger than it usually does.

“He’s playing good tonight,” Osamu notes, his trained eyes fixated on the TV. No matter how many games you watch, or how often Atsumu talks about volleyball, you’ll never have the same understanding of the game that Osamu does.

Chin resting on your palm, you glance at him from the corner of your eye. “Is he?” To you, it always looks like Atsumu is playing well.

But you like listening to Osamu’s technical breakdown of his gameplay and aren’t opposed to helping his endeavor of distracting you. “He’s tuned in,” is all he says by way of explanation.

You watch the TV with newfound interest, noticing that Osamu seems to be right. Atsumu is normally pretty focused, but tonight whenever the camera shows a closeup of him, the look in his eyes is razor sharp. And yet, he’s still making those insane plays that catch his opponents completely off guard. You can feel your pride bubbling up in your chest like it does every time you watch him play, quirking your lips upward into a small smile.

You love how much Atsumu loves volleyball, and whenever you can you go to his games here in Japan because watching him on TV is nothing compared to in person. Plus, it’s way more fun getting swept up into his arms in the heat of the moment after a win than several days later when the excitement has died a little.

You watch Atsumu the rest of the game, noting how the closer they get to match point, the more tenacious he becomes. But unlike other times, when he gets too excited and starts making insane plays that might not work, he seems to be dialing in even further, pulling the best out of all of his hitters even when they’re at the end of their rope. You at least know enough about volleyball to appreciate just how amazing that is.

To your delight, the Black Jackals win, and as usual several of the players get interviewed afterwards. Somehow, Hinata and Bokuto are still full of energy despite playing a full match, speaking excitedly to the interviewer. The coverage switches to Atsumu’s interview, and you can’t help ogling him a little bit. He somehow manages to look good, his hair damp from sweat but eyes gleaming from the adrenaline of the match.

And as you suspect, like Hinata and Bokuto, he’s pretty amped after the game. Amped enough that he completely ignores the interviewer’s questions and looks right at the camera. Immediately, you’re struck by the feeling that he’s looking directly at you. “I’ve only got one thing to say and that’s happy anniversary to the lovely lady I got waiting for me at home.”

The interviewer flusters, changing gears quickly and trying to get Atsumu to comment more on his relationship, but all he does is give the camera his signature smile and a wink before turning his back to the screen and rejoining his celebrating teammates. You don’t hear what the interviewer says next. You’re pinned to your seat, stunned, until your natural reaction is to burst out laughing at his proclamation.

Osamu just eyes you curiously, a small smile splaying across his lips as you say, “Only Atsumu—I swear.”

He shrugs. “Hey, you picked him.”

“Yes,” you laugh. “Yes, I did.” And you really wouldn’t have it any other way, no matter how long or how many times he’s apart from you.  

You leave shortly after the coverage of the game has ended, bidding Osamu goodnight and thanking him for his company and hospitality. He waves you out, and once you’re on your way home, you’re suddenly overwhelmed by the loneliness you’ve successfully kept at bay until now. The thought of climbing into a cold bed that feels too big when Atsumu’s not there settles into the front of your mind and it’s hard not to spiral into the sadness that’s been looming over you all day.

You sigh, wrapping your coat tighter around you, trudging towards your apartment that you know is going to suffocate you with its silence. You know it’s pretty pathetic missing him so much, feeling sorry for yourself that you’re alone once again on this day, but you can’t help it. The hope that next year will be different is nearly gone by now, your determination to refuse to accept it finally broken.

Entering the dark apartment, you toss your keys onto the counter and make your way to the living room, fully intending on spending the rest of the night mindlessly watching some TV show until you fall asleep. Subconsciously, your thoughts wander to what Atsumu is doing right now. The team usually goes out after games, especially ones they win. And it’ll be a day or two until they leave wherever they’re at, so they have plenty of time.

Part of you aches at the thought of him out, having a good time with his team, while you’re here—alone, watching some lame TV show and feeling sorry for yourself.

What you don’t know, is that Atsumu has forgone the celebration tonight. In fact, he’s rushing to the airport to catch his late flight back to Japan. He booked this flight the day after he found out he was going to be gone again. He might not make it back in time to be there on the actual date, but he hopes the gesture is enough.

On the flight, he thinks about your reaction, imagining your laugh and beaming smile at the sight of him. Daydreaming about sweeping you up into his arms and kissing you until you’re both breathless and dizzy keeps him awake, though he doubts you’ll be when he arrives. That’s alright, he perfectly happy surprising you in the morning too.

He gets back to Japan in the early hours of the morning, and when he enters the apartment, he finds you fast asleep under a blanket on the couch, the TV casting a faint glow into the room. He smiles softly to himself, allowing himself a minute to appreciate how adorable you look. Leaning down, he finagles his arms beneath your shoulders and legs and hefts you into his arms to carry you to the bedroom. To his surprise, you don’t wake up. Instead, you mumble quietly, and his heart nearly bursts at how even in your sleep you press closer to him.

Tucking you in, he kisses you lightly on the forehead before climbing under the covers beside you. Pulling you into his arms, you fit nicely in his embrace, and he falls into an easy sleep.

~

In the morning, your eyes flutter open, blearily looking around and realizing you’re now in the bedroom. When did you move in here? Did you put yourself to bed last night without realizing it? It’s then that your eyes snap open at the realization that the apartment smells like breakfast. Heart thundering against your chest, you throw the covers off you and head towards the kitchen so fast you almost trip in the hallway.

Upon seeing Atsumu standing at the stove, his back to you, it’s hard to keep your feet under you. And without your permission, tears well up in your eyes so fast that a few drops are already sliding down your cheeks. You sniff to try and get a hold of yourself, which gets Atsumu’s attention.

He whips around to find you standing at the entryway of the hallway with tears streaking down your face and immediately his heart softens. “Happy anniversary, love,” he says by way of greeting.

You can’t stop yourself; your feet move before your brain can catch up with them, throwing yourself into his open arms. He squeezes you tight, and then your lips are on his, your fingers tangling into his hair pulling him closer as you slot your body against his. He can’t help chuckling at you, despite thoroughly enjoying this reaction to his surprise.

“I’m trying to cook breakfast,” he says between kisses.

You don’t think he’ll be very hard to convince to abandon the eggs on the stove. With one hand, you turn the burner off. “Don’t care,” you say, pushing him back towards the bedroom.

He happily obliges.

~

taglist:  @apollochjld @kurosarium @vicassa @carbs-need-more-love @underratedmage @idek-at-thispoint @wtfeverbrandi @food8me @yikes-buddy @ntimacy @nyxiie @oikawasbooty @chocolate3010 @sugawarabby @greenyiplier @kritiiiii @tokyosdawn @youstydiaa @h3llok1ttygirl @honeyapplepi @iminlovewhaikyuu @moonlightaangel @tetrapot-melon-tea @putmeinyourdeathnote @fireworkemoji102 @angrylittleriri @anime-simp @hxked @silverwhare @grandfestivalalienlight @waitforitillwritemywayout @tendo-sxtori @plxstic-rose @hqissodelicate @unknownloving @cielhidalgo @mattsunsoswag @yoitsseulgi @whenyouscream @cereal-kileeeeer @jackadlersstuff @oopsliales @sssjuico10 

#miya atsumu x reader #haikyuu x reader #miya atsumu reader insert #haikyuu reader insert #miya atsumu imagine #miya atsumu scenario #miya atsumu #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu!!

[blueeyedheizer]

blueeyedheizer is bored (a blurb event)

•• [CLOSED] another blurb event lol wtf crazy 😋 i have nothing to celebrate (end of exams maybe?) but i usually get more inspiration for blurbs rather than actual fics, so here i am with another one of these lol. hopefully this will cure my writers block. Please read the rules carefully, they're slightly different from the last event i did :) PS: none of these prompts are mine, i got them from several other prompt lists

rules:

* you can send up to 2 prompt for 1 character

* you can mix nsfw and sfw

* please send one request at a time

I'll be writing for:

- tom blake (no smut) , matt, castor (no smut), matthew connelly

- four/billy, frank mccullen, warren worthington III

- michael gray, j cody

MASTERLIST

SFW:

#1 “I can wait, you’re worth waiting for.”

#2 "He's/She's so beautiful, I almost don’t know what to do with myself.”

#3 "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

#4 “I know it’s 2am but can we meet up somewhere?”

#5 "I really want to kiss you right now. I know I shouldn’t, and somehow that makes me want it more.”

#6 "There is nothing you could do to make me love you any less, trust me.”

#7 “I can’t wait to kiss you again.”

#8 "Kiss me."

#9 "You manage to make me smile on my worst days.” 

#10 "Could you say that again?” “Were you not listening?” “No I was, I just want to hear you say it again.”

#11 "I wish we could live together already.”

#12 "I love you, but I need you to go away because you're really fucking distracting"

#13 “Are you going to kiss me or do I have to ask?"

#14 "Please don't cry."

#15 “I’m sorry.” — “I don’t care.”

#16 “Nothing that comes out of your mouth is sincere. Nothing about you is genuine.”

#17 "i want to go home"

#18 "How do you sleep at night knowing you did what you did?"

#19 "Don’t apologize if you are just going to keep doing this shit, apologize when you’re actually going to change because im tired of having my hopes crushed everytime”

#20 "Don’t go. Please. I can’t lose you.”

#21 "Are you even sorry?"

#22 “Do you regret it?”

#23 “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

#24 “This is fucking ridiculous. I did not cheat on you!”

#25 "I love you. I just love her more."

NSFW

#26 "We can't do it here!"

#27 "You're not getting anything if you keep whining like that."

#28 Goodbye sex

#29 “Don’t close your eyes, I want you to look at me when you cum.”

#30 “Just let me finish this and I’ll go down on you.”

#31 "Your head between my legs sounds so good right now."

#32 “Try to stay quiet for me. Can you do that?”

#33 “That’s it baby. Make a mess.”

#34 “Nah forget about a bed, we’re fucking right here”

#35 "You’re so good at this, fuck”"

#36 "[You don't have to pay me], I just want to give you a well deserved blow job."

#37 "Don't pull out."

BONUS (sfw/nsfw)

#38 “I love you.” “Tell me that when you’re sober.” 

#39 "I’m so proud of you.” 

#40 "I don't want to ruin what we have." "I do."

#41 "I haven’t seen her/him smile like that in ages"

#42 “Your hair is so soft.”

#43 "Don't ! There can't be any marks."

#44 "Look at you, I've only started using my fingers and you're already shaking."

#45 "Shh." "If you ask me to be quiet one more time, I will scream."

#46 "Such a needy little thing, aren't you?"

#47 "I never knew someone could cum that fast just from a few fingers."

#48 "Can I come over? My parents are fighting again.”

#49 “I missed being with you like this,”

#50 "I have to go to work." "No, you have to stay in bed with me"

#ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy smut #billy/four x reader #ben hardy x reader smut #warren worthington x reader smut #warren worthington iii x reader #warren worthington imagine #michael gray fanfic #michael gray imagine #michael gray x you #michael gray smut #j cody x reader #j cody imagine #j cody smut #peaky blinders smut #peaky blinders x reader

[moth-based-cryptology]

HELLO BESTIE I am currently having Ralbert Brainrot and you're the best person go come to for this, obviously,, so PLEASE share! I would like to hear about ufc albert or youtuber race, or dancing partners!! I love them smm

HI YES HELLO USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO WRITE UFC FIGHTER AL PART 2 THANKS BABES

i just witnessed a literal crime and i’m Feeling The Rage (boxing judges at mma events can catch these hands) so here is. my brain on anger.

also the first half of this is pretty fight-talk heavy but the second half is more al/ralbert central so message me/send me an ask if i don’t explain something well enough <3

here is the ask i sent to @we-are-inevitable (thanks jac i’m in love with you mwah) and here is part 1 for this au if you haven’t read that one yet !!

also,,,,, this is fairly obvious. but trigger warning for violence/physical fighting, as well as blood. (it’s a rough gig y’all fjdhdb) oh and swearing but that’s pretty much just me LMAO

here i am, bein mad and writing ralbert. therapy time with chandler ig

OK SO

this is after his debut. duh. continuation

i think he’s probably 5 fights in with 5 wins. he’s been running people through, especially with four full camps after a short notice start, and he’s never even seen a decision in the ufc

let’s just say the hype train is moving FAST and it’s moving LOUD

everyone has to have those people that watch their fights just to see them lose, on top of the majority male fan base that have to have a little bit of toxic masculinity and homophobia in there

so there’s A LOT of people that are waiting for him and his hype train to get derailed. but there’s also a fair amount of fans, so you win some you lose some (the way i would die to see this be a real fighter pls)

now albert’s not always the most confident guy, and he’s never been cocky, but none of this shit gets to him. he’s got his coaches, he’s got his friends and he’s got race behind him. he knows he’s got the skills, and he’s got his support system, so who gives a shit what a bunch of cowards on the internet have to say?

and then they put him against someone known for his grappling and stamina. and the “it’s a wrap for dasilva!” bandwagon starts. it happens every time a rising striker and early knockout artist fights a well known grappler with any semblance of later round power (even if al has a background in wrestling and has gone 5 rounds and won outside of the ufc. it’s a bandwagon for a reason)

and it’s not Upsetting, it’s not really getting into his head in any way that’ll make him do worse, but it’s kinda pissing him off. which is bad for his opponent

the last person on earth you want to be fighting is an annoyed albert dasilva who thinks he has something to prove

he works his ass off in camp, and the press tour is a self-assured albert vs. a loudmouth who thinks he’s hot shit cause a few people on twitter think he’ll sweep

and, to be completely honest? it’s starting to look that way 2 rounds in.

it’s a 5 round fight, co-main event on a big card, and so far all al’s opponent has done is pinned him to the cage and kept him there. a few strikes worth anything - at least enough make al’s cheek bleed, no takedowns, which would at least give him some activity, and so submission attempts, so he can’t even gain any ground that way. he’s just- Stuck. and if THIS is how he loses, he’s gonna be pissed

the bell for the second round sounds, and you can actually see al’s chest heaving on camera as he walks to his corner - not because he’s tired or out of breath, but because he’s MAD, and fuck if he’s not going to do something about it

not only that, but he can not only see race and jack standing up by the cage - plus race’s expression, which is slightly annoyed and super anxious, which hurts his chest to think about - but he can hear them too

jack is yelling profanities, as per usual. he doesn’t that regardless of how the fight is going, but it’s less encouraging when you’re the one losing.

race though,,,, race isn’t really yelling, he’s more talking to himself than anything, but he’s close enough to cage and al knows him well enough to figure out what he’s saying. and if the muttered almost-prayers while he paces back and forth weren’t enough, the shiny gold engagement ring on race’s hand definitely is

round 3,,,, let’s just say it goes a little differently than the first 2 had gone.

he opens with a spinning back kick, of all fucking things, and that truly sets the pace

he’s the taller guy by a few inches, like usual, which makes his arms longer. the only reason crushing his against the cage worked is cause the guy he’s fighting cuts weight like a wrestler, so he’s easily got 20 pounds on albert come fight night

but once he finds his rhythm and starts throwing, he starts connecting too. he manages to stay out of range of his opponent and stay his comfortable distance to start t-ing off

this isn’t a one punch power ending. this isn’t a beautiful head kick, or a giant knee, or even just a clean right hook.

this is albert, who’s arms are starting to feel the 3rd round a little bit, hitting this guy with everything he has cause he refuses to lose this fight.

i mean- everyone watched him get up at the start of the round with a set jaw and a scary determined glint in his eye. he’s not a person you fuck with, and he’s definitely not a person you publicly ridicule before being locked in a cage to fight with

the guy he’s fighting is absolutely battered, but he manages to survive until round 4. the first of the championship rounds, something al’s never seen in a ufc fight before, and it feels like the arena is holding its breath

so when al comes out and does the same thing as round 3 to better results - fight ending results - everyone’s a little shocked, honestly

the commentary team’s in disbelief, cause albert is NOT a slow starter, regardless of what this fight would tell you, and the fact he managed a win at all, let alone such a phenomenal one, is fucking astounding

he gets his hand raised, obviously, but the really interesting part is the post fight interview

“albert, man, what changed between round 2 and 3? what second gear did you find?”

“bro, i just— it was pissing me off, honestly. i don’t come in here to get pinned down for 25 minutes. and, y’know, my team gave me good advice. i had all the pieces, straight from the jump, someone just had to force me to put them in place…”

and then he looks over at race, who gives al one of those half grin, half smirks and winks at him, and al just chuckles to himself and finishes answering the question

“the thing that really forced my hand is race. i won’t get cheesy on you, but watching someone who loves and supports you through everything panic cause he’s scared for you - it’s a big motivator. everyone would figure out a lot more of my motivations if they went and watched race’s expressions back instead of whatever the hell i’m doing in here. he’s always been the brains, i’m just the brawn.”

and that’s a better answer than anyone was expecting, plus he’s just had the fight of a lifetime that’s probably earned him a title shot, so he’s done soon after that and gets to have his little in-cage celebration

he hugs his team and jack, who razzes him a little bit as per usual, and makes some dumb quip about going over tapes later like he’s a coach. and then comes race

he hugs him, all tender and cute and also very sweaty cause That’s How It Works, and the camera’s focused on him, so they can tell they’re whispering back and forth. but there’s no mics on them, so what’s said is missed entirely on the audience, but it’s their usual cheesy, in love mess

“congrats, baby. i’m proud of you.”

“oh please. it was 90% you anyway. i meant what i said, it wasn’t just for the cameras.”

“i know that. i’m gonna have to get you back somehow for telling everyone to go back and watch my awful anxious expression. i’ll think of something.”

“i’m sure you will, sweetheart.”

and then al does that awful, adorable lil nose bump thing, and then kisses race. and then jack covers his eyes and whines until they stop like the actual 12 year old boy he is inside

and then they leave the octagon, race and al holding hands, and al throws his arm over jack’s shoulder and shoves his head down and pushes him, cause even though he was just in a literal cage match he’s still a roughhousing teenager at heart

and he’s got interviews and press shit that separates him from his people, and he’s gotta slide that bulletproof mask back down over all the happy and in love shit he’s feeling so he can not smile like an idiot on camera constantly

but every once in awhile he’ll catch jack giving him the finger and laugh before returning it below view of the camera

or he’ll catch race’s eye from where he’s standing behind all the studio lights and do a little wave under the camera and return the wink from earlier, and the unbothered fighter facade will crack a little bit

but he’s not completely convinced that’s such a bad thing

GOD THIS POST IS SO MUCH LONGER THEN I MEANT IT TO BE IM SORRY

but Yeah. Them.

i love this au a helleva lot more than i should but that’s Fine cause i’ve got thoughts for days on it

#newsies #livesies #never not read the tags #albert dasilva #ufc fighter al #mma fighter al #racetrack higgins #jack kelly #ralbert #spam ralbert gang #ralbert ralbert ralbert #chandler screams about ralbert #chandler out of context #chandler’s ✨losing it✨ #chandler.exe has stopped working #chandler’s an idiot sorry y’all #causing chaos with chandler #shut up chandler #nO #tw violence #tw fighting #tw blood #tw swearing

[bulletproofscales]

Hi, how are you? And what are you up to these days? -🍂

not you checking in on me 🥺 a whole angel

im doing good! since starting college i think now i definelty handle it a lot better now. i used to stress myself and it would lead to some pretty self destructive tendencies.

its something im working on really hard on! trying to remind myself of my worth as a human that goes beyond my grades, and just working towards being more supportive of myself as a whole, speaking nice things about myself TO myself, that sort of stuff.

and i think thats really helping me get through life a lot better. I am very proud of the progress i've made, and the fact im trying is enough to be celebrated.

And i am not limiting myself from enjoying life just because its exam season. I have stuff going on!! Which given lock-down is more than i could ever expect, im going to perform in a big theater around the holidays so im very excited about that, also comeback season 💜

Also i keep adding ideas and prompts to my list for future fics and i cant wait till december comes and i can write everything 🥺💜 i miss it (also im lowkey getting tired of self control even if she's my baby Ajajsjhshahshah I WILL FINISH IT THO ALWAYS)

#long post #aaa rant?

[wwounu]

short svt!au based off mikrokosmos

note: extra credits go to this gorgeous edit

seungcheol’s your everyday guy — his life not exciting nor boring

the only thing that makes his life worth living is his friends who he can call his family of course

however one day he gets into an argument which begins a big fight between all of them

it wasnt pretty

eventually seungcheol ends up being the last to leave after his failed attempt to convince chan to stay

he gets into his car in the dark weather to drive home, his sadness turning to anger

“forget it. i dont need them,” he says in between sobbing, “im not going to find them”

and those were his last words before heading straight into a car crash and tumbling off the road

though he wakes up at an empty train station of snow, wondering why he’s there and why he isnt cold

walking to the tracks to see if theres any train, he finds a book on the ground at the tracks, curious of why it might be there

stood on the train track, he opens a random page that reads do you want another chance

seungcheol goes “chance? what chance?” before he hears a clatter of people talking from afar

he leaves the book and ventures off to where the sound is coming from, beholding twelve males stood at the side of the road

seungcheol couldnt believe his eyes. had he been in a coma? because everyone looks so grown up and he feels the same

he runs up to the group, wanting to say hello

but as he yells, no one looks at him

when he comes to touch them, nothing happens, except a coldness passing through seungcheol

and he doesnt realise that he just walked through joshua

he goes “huh?”, not able to process whats going on, voice trembling

slowly, very slowly, he turns

and he sees his friends place flowers and seungcheol’s favourite items on the snow

“hey ‘cheol, how are you doing?” jeonghan says, not turning to seungcheol but staring at the ground

the rest follow and touch a tree, and seungcheol’s slowly connecting dots which he doesnt want to connect

jeonghan speaks up again and is stood closer to the trees than everyone else

“sorry its been years,” years? “everyone’s been busy. but we’re finally here”

here? why?

“we’re finally together again. like what you wanted that night you... where you... you—”

seungcheol is now stood in front of the twelve boys, knowing he cant be seen

but his heart breaks watching jeonghan struggle to get his words across, rubbing his eyes before turning to the rest of the 11 boys

“any words, anyone?” jeonghan tries to smile but cant really hold it up

and chan walks up first, slowly standing beside jeonghan as he hiccups a little

“long time no see, right hyung?”

it’s definitely long time no see as chan looks like he’s grown up so much

“sorry i haven’t been able to attend, i couldnt... bring myself to come. im the only one who’s come twice — twice, how pathetic... do you remember what you said that night? that you needed me to stay, and i didnt? maybe if i did that, you wouldnt have... you wouldnt have died — because of me, me—“

then mingyu pulls chan away as he spills into cries, apologising to cheol even though he can’t anymore

wonwoo comes up next, ready to say his words, but from his expression seungcheol can tell he’s holding it in because he keeps biting his lip

seungcheol would’ve expected jihoon to be the least emotional as he was the one that started this whole disagreement

but before jihoon utters a word, his eyes stream with so many tears as he drops to the snow, wishing seungcheol back and murmuring things while his hands are buried in his face

honestly, seungcheol cant take it anymore

so he runs back to the train track and picks up the book, no tears touching the item even though he’s sobbing

and opening the random page again, it says do you want another chance and seungcheol “yes yes yes, please—“

then new words reveal itself on the page, which seungcheol reads aloud

in every lifetime, i will find you again

seungcheol is wondering that those words mean with its ambiguity before the sound of a train whistle registers in his mind, a train approaching him

but seungcheol doesnt move despite knowing the train is coming to him, suddenly going “hold on, wait—“

it’s black again.

“hyung? hyung, wake up!”

and seungcheol jolts, hand hitting something as the voice goes “ow what the heck!”

that voice. he knows that voice

he sees an orange-haired, youthful chan holding his arms tightly

“chan? what- where are we?”

“we’re somewhere we should be because you overslept and i have to pick you up! now c’mon, lets go!”

and cheol is in shock before he follows chan, question why he looks so different and that chan can actually touch him

he‘s taken to a warehouse and sees some silver graffiti on the wall, some people already inside

there’s two people in the boxing ring, practicing their punches

“wonwoo? mingyu?”

with the realisation, the two boys turn their heads to seungcheol, looking too young as well

“oh, ‘cheol!”

“why did you have to say their names!” complains chan, “i was gonna scare them...”

right on cue, a boy in a janitor suit topples out of the closet with chairs toppling over him

the boxers rush out of the ring to help the person who seems to be vernon, lifting up the chairs

and vernon apologises for messing up the place, but the others dismiss it and help with setting up the chairs

chan: where did you get the janitor suit?

vernon: it looked cool so i wore it. a bit smelly though

and then a blonde soonyoung, silver-haired minghao and questionable-fashion-sense junhui come in with questionable shades as minghao enters in with a bass and junhui with the drums

they play loudly as soonyoung enters by dancing, yelling out “guess who!”

no one replies, all complaining, and soonyoung then goes “guysss!” with a big pout

but junhui announces that the other five will come soon

seungcheol is like “other five?” and chan hits him on the head saying “are you playing dumb with us today? or you’re just super tired?”

in reply cheol shrugs but a car horn beeps and welcome in seokmin wearing DIY angel wings, seungkwan, pink-haired jihoon, joshua and long haired jeonghan(?)

((they surprised seungcheol the most))

he’s happy, but it makes him shocked as well as confused

they’re all here but they’re so different, this isnt them even though it is, same personality and everything

the five that just have joined go “what are you all waiting for? lets get this party started!”

and everyone gets to work, and cheol is like “what?” before joshua directs him to spray paint the walls

and after a lot of work and chattering with loud, bubbly music playing from the car, the boys are done and everything looks like a mess that they’re proud of

jihoon brings out a cake and lights it, carrying it to a bunch of tables put together

soonyoung and vernon (now out of the stolen janitor clothes) follow the shorter and soonyoung even playfully threatens to blow out the candles before vernon is like “woah no!!” and jihoon goes “i ran out of matches lighting these candles so if you dare blow them out i’ll bash your face with this cake” and soonyoung shut up, joining in with minghao, chan and junhui dancing along to the music

everyone is called up to the table once the cake is set and seungcheol, being the last one to go to the table, asks

“so what are we celebrating?”

and seungkwan looks at him with this sort of crazed look, going “its for various things! to celebrate wonwoo and mingyu getting into the semi-finals of the boxing competition, our two years of friendship as a group,” two? seungcheol sworn it was more, but by the looks and change of things, he guesses not, “also to wish luck for jihoon hyung‘s exam for the university he wants to go to”

all seungcheol could say was “oh” but seungkwan sighs and hits him on the arm

“its your birthday too doofus!”

“what?!”

seungkwan rubs the bridge of his nose, saying “what am i gonna do with this guy...” and then speaks up “i dont know if youre acting or not, but yes, its your birthday today if you didnt notice”

again, cheol goes “oh” before jihoon is like “we’re blowing the cake hurry up!”

then jeonghan does a small speech, letting seungcheol speak for a bit (but he was fumbling over words while doing so) before blowing the cake altogether

and after taking pictures, seungcheol suddenly has a cake smear on his cheek, looking toward seokmin who is chuckling nervously

seokmin: ,,,, happy birthday,, hyung?????

which results with soonyoung yelling CAKE FIGHT! and everyone begins chasing each other

and to be honest, seungcheol feels happy

thats when he remembers

‘in every lifetime, i will find you again’

does this mean he has to find his friends and unite them together?

even if so

let the adventure begin.

#this was a lot to write but i rly like this concept #took me an hour and a half lol #the different lifetimes as the different eras :> #and cheol needing them to be united because thats his goal #though he always dies in each lifetime #or does he? #wwounu thoughts #seventeen #kpop #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #ode

[letsperaltiago]

I give up, I'm in love crying out to you |Jake x Amy|

So this is the post ”Yippie Kayak” fic I talked about! And honestly... I’m not super happy with how it turned out, compared to what I had in mind, but... I hope someone out there will enjoy it. Maybe

xx!

word count: 2.8k

The red and blue lights coming from the remaining police cars reflected back off his slightly pale face as he started the car, carefully driving away from the surrounded Goodwin’s before turning down the main street. Since Jake had quickly been pulled away from her to get checked by a paramedic as soon as they pulled back from their passionate reunion kiss, neither of them had gotten to say much to the other after Jake escaped the hostage situation. He’d quickly shrugged off his leather coat then hoodie before giving her the latter before he was pulled aside. Since then Amy had spent the time checking up on Gina and Charles, secretly feeling unsettled and almost burdened even though Jake was clearly safe and sound. Why?

So she wondered still as they quietly drove off and away from the chaos. It was just the two of them in Jake’s car. Maybe she didn’t say anything but on the inside Amy felt like screaming and crying, almost like she wanted to speak out but some unknown force pushed the words back down her throat. More than anything she didn’t want him to notice, because then he’d worry and he was the last person who should worry about someone else. He’d just been beaten by robbers and held hostage, for God’s sake! Although it probably didn’t help keeping her messy state of mind secret that she uneasily, shuffling in her seat, kept looking back and forth between the bypassing streets and his focused, slightly bruised face. Either his mind was somewhere else, which was completely understandable, or he chose to bite his tongue and not comment on it.

“Should I drop you off at home?” After such a long silence, his voice almost startled her, causing Amy’s head to quickly whip away from the window and in his direction instead like a deer caught in headlights. They usually slept at her place, almost everyday besides a few times a week whenever one or both needed a bit of me-time, so this caught the young woman a bit off guard. Did he ask because he wanted to drop her off and go home alone? Or was he just being polite? During the 7 months they’d been together, Amy had never turned to overthinking like this and it scared her. Jake would never have ulterior motives when it come to her - or anyone else, for that matter. What was wrong with her?

“Ames?” Without taking his eyes off the road for too long he allowed himself to take a quick glance of her, obviously confused by the lack of response he got from his otherwise always very clear and palpable girlfriend.

“Oh, sorry. I just-“ she bit her lip, silencing herself with her thinking. Honestly she wanted nothing more but to tell him no. No, she didn’t want him to just drop her off and act like nothing had happened. Actually the very last thing she wanted after coming so close to losing him was to go home alone - without him. Then she remembered that her bag (having held clean, warm clothes) from the polar swim and stinky, soaked jacket was still in his trunk, and last-mentioned item probably needed a good wash. She also did happen to have a full day of Christmas celebration with her enormous family waiting for her tomorrow on the 25th, so… Though every signal within herself told her that she didn’t want to, that it was wrong, it probably would be easier to just go home and get the last chores crossed off her mental list.

“Uhm, yeah. My place is fine.”

Out of the corner of her eye she could sense a nod, immediately sending her heart crashing into her gut. First the polar swim, then the hostage situation and now this? What a shitty Christmas eve. 10 minutes of silence later, he pulled over in front her apartment building and turned off the engine. Neither of them seemed to be able to break that eyes, staring straight ahead out the front window with stiff postures and mingled thoughts.

“So we’re here,” Amy finally mumbled, slowly and almost unwillingly reaching for the door handle.

Jake turned in his seat, scanning her up and down with his tired, yet always so gentle eyes.

Words were burning in her throat, making it feel like a muddy mixture of feelings and tears balling up in trachea. It was pure agony and it just wasn’t worth it, when she was with this wonderful man who’d never laugh at or dismiss anything she said. She needed to calm down and trust him.

“Would you mind coming upstairs with me? Just for a second,” she finally managed to almost gurgle out and finally looking back at him.

“No, of course not.” He smiled weakly, pausing for a moment, before leaning over the gap between their seats to peck her temple. “Let me help you with your stuff.”

So there they were, just 2 minutes later, after climbing the few stairs to her first floor apartment. The flicking of a switch by the entrance door drenched the living room/kitchen in a soft yellow light, which allowed them both to make their way to the center of the room.

“Should I just put it on a hanger it in your bathroom?” Jake asked sweetly, making Amy’s heavy heart do summersaults because of the fact that he’d read her mind before doing anything else.

She sent him a grateful smile, “Yeah, thanks. Just make sure to-“

“Hang it in the shower, so it won’t drip on the floor?”

Amy could tell by the way her boyfriend’s  eyes light up and his lips morphed into a crooked, boyish smile that he was proud of the fact that he’d managed finish her sentence just right. Sometimes she forgot that not only had they been dating for 7 months, but he’d also been her best friend for longer and partner against crime for even longer. There was no denying that he, more than anyone else and even herself, knew her the best. A weak smile growing on her lips at the thought let him know he was right, and then there was nothing else for her to do but to follow him with her eyes as he walked off to the bathroom with her icy ocean-coat.

Everything was so good between them and there was absolutely no denying it. Then why did she slump down on her couch with a heavy sigh and an even heavier her, she wondered. What was it about today; about her; about him, that made it seem like she was holding back and onto some kind of secret. A heavy slump back against the back of the couch seemed appropriate for the situation. Few steps wandered down the hall towards her, coming closer and closer. Next thing she knew he was back, standing by the kitchen at the opposite end of the room, freezing in his track when he noticed her hopeless expression. A staring contest between the two seemed to be initiated, but truth be told, she was not taking in just his eyes. Also the dark circles that surrounded them, his short, but nonetheless curls very messy from the day’s actions, his posture only emphasised how he probably felt - yet Amy Santiago had never before been so sure of one thing.

“Amy, is everything okay?”

Okay, the jig was up. He’d definitely noticed her being way off the entire night. Maybe he had been so too, but he, on the other hand, had an actual excuse.

“Yeah,” the following sigh did not reassure him. “Come sit with me for a second. Please?” She let her hands dance across the empty space by her side.

It truly did feel like walking into the belly of the beast, but ready for whatever she was going to throw at him, the eager detective made his way to the empty spot beside her and placed himself facing her. One leg bent on the couch, the other hanging off the side as he rested his side against the couch’s soft back. Another silence swallowed them both. Right in front of him, so close that he could reach out and touch her even though he didn’t dare to right then, Amy was nervously pushing her hair back behind her ears. Normally a double-tuck was a good sign, Jake couldn’t help but notice, but the current moment seemed to be way off and inconsistent.

“Ames, you’re kinda freaking me out here. Are we okay? Are you okay?”

The fact that he emphasised the ‘you’ more than the ‘we’ once again told her that he was the greatest man alive, obviously caring more about her than himself and them. A smile was not to be held back and her left hand, rebelliously in the name of love, expressed the same intractableness by reaching forward and cupping his cheek. Like a tear, though they weren’t present, Jake felt her thumb dance downards across his face and a million butterfly were set free in his stomach.

“Yes,” she nodded softly. “Both me and us. More importantly: Are you okay?”

He nodded softly into the her hand’s fingerhold, secretly wishing she would elaborate instead of redirecting the worry towards him. “I’m okay. Tonight was scary, but now I’m here with you. And though it might seem cheesy, it’s what matters to me.”

She nodded back, and though her mind was racing, trying to fight and make sense of all of her thoughts, her lips parted with willingness to speak. “It’s okay to be cheesy. It’s what matters to me too: Us…” She hesitantly allowed a pause, breathing in and unconsciously ran her tongue across her upper lip, considering if she should continue. This was Jake Peralta. With them it had always been this weird game of ‘in-between but never quite there’. The years of pining, the ‘never-single-at-the-same time’, keeping it light and breezy, almost breaking up twice within their first week together… It all came rushing back like an avalanche, pushing Amy over the edge of her emotional mountain. This time she wasn’t going to stay stuck in the middle; she was going big or going home - and she was already home, so there really was no way around it. “… Which I guess is why I’ve been so weird all night.”

Jake Peralta tilting his head slightly to the side in wonder was somehow the cutest and worst sight in the entire world - worst because she knew he did it out of confusion and precariousness. Amy Santiago wasn’t one to be overly confident with men, but these 7 months together had definitely taught her that she held his heart in his hands. His secretly very fragile, loving heart. On the other hand though, she also knew that he also held hers. Vulnerably and firmly all at once.

“You…” along with a heavy breath, her hand dropped from his face into his lap to hold his. Her gaze followed behind. “Being in danger like you were tonight really got me thinking about how important you are to me.” Her sincere brown eyes finally looked, to his relief, back up at him as those last words danced off her lips. Tender yet alert eyes and an understanding not from her boyfriend let Amy know that he was listening - he usually did whenever she spoke - and pushed her to continue. Taking this leap meant that there was no turning back around. “Li-,” her breath hitched, when tears suddenly welled in her eyes with urge to leap over the edge and down her cheeks. “Like it just got me thinking about the fact that just barely 3 years ago, I could never live with you. Never share a life with you, never be in the same room as for more than a few minutes without going absolutely insane,” she squeezed their joined hands in reassurance. “Never touch you like this. We seemed to be two opposites in all the worst ways. Impossible to unify.”

Though it was obviously with caution, seeing how affected by the matter his girlfriend was, Jake smiled remembering how they used to be cat and mouse. Those times seemed so far away these days.

“And now, today,” the hitch in her voice repeated itself; this time causing a tingle tear to stream down her face. Even soaked in tears, her eyes never left his and if Jake wasn’t completely delusional from all of the surfacing emotions, he could’ve sworn tears were welling up in his as well. “It just really hit me that I could never live without you.”

Almost like a bomb, silence dropped and blasted through the space around them. It sucked them into a black hole of everything from utter vulnerability to raw emotion and everything in between. Amy quickly noticed how her boyfriend’s eyebrows had cocked upwards, along with his suddenly much more awake eyes, in surprise.

“There’s before, now and after; me before you, me with you and I never want there to be a ‘me after you’, Jake Peralta.”

His jaw failed to keep his mouth shot, allowing his lips to part in awe like a kid having just discovered a secret treasure of gold, diamonds and pearls.

Her heart picked up pace as well as her termbling voice.

“God, I don’t know if this is moving too fast; if it’s right or wrong… But I’m just gonna say it. I desperately need you to know.”A brief pause pierced the moment, the three words welling up inside her mouth.

“I love you.”

His lips slowly merged back into a soft smile, his eyes glistening with joy as he brought his strong hands across the distance between them to hold her face and look into her eyes.

“I love you too, Ames.”

Finally, turning out to be what she needed more than anything that night, he used the hands attached to her face to pull her into a soft, tender kiss. A heavy weight suddenly dropped from her shoulders, her chest becoming lighter and fluttering as well. Within seconds her fingers wrapped around his wrists which were attached his hands that still cupped her now also smiling face. Their lips pressed together still, sparks flying like it was the first time instead of somewhere within the millions - probably - Amy knew she’d made the right decision. She loved Jake Peralta and he deserved to know.

His forehead pressed against hers, never disconnecting, as their lips parted and a dynamic energy travelled around them and the room. Amy could tell he was smiling; she was too after all.

“Tell me we’re end game?”  

When he slowly tilted his head just an inch back, Amy felt the tip and bridge of his nose gently stroke up her own. Upon having finally tilted it up and back far enough to reach her forehead, he pressed a tender kiss to it. It lasted longer than their rare, but yet sweet, little forehead kisses usually would. It almost felt like his lips had gotten stuck, but then suddenly to Amy’s secret dismay, he pulled his whole upper body back to look at her properly with glistening eyes and a happy grin. Amy’s heart on the other hand was anything but calm, thumping louder and harder than she ever imagined possible. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Maybe declaring her love like that was a bit too much for an otherwise emotionally cut off person like Jake. Maybe she should’ve just stuck to “I love you”… Or just nothing at all; she should’ve sent him back home and slept by herself tonight.

Yet suddenly it was clear to her that the confusion and anxiety must’ve been clearly written across her face, because once more and always preferably, Jake Peralta’s hands were buried deep within and messing up her glistening black locks like they were the last sensation he’d ever experience. His soft soft lips grabbed hers, telling her that she’d never be alone ever again though she still sometimes feared she would. More. She wanted it all and more, so she quickly reached across, grabbing the collar of his famous grey hoodie. If it was even possible by then, seeming to be as close as possible, she pulled on it and him. His lips scrunched into a smile against her desperate kiss. Suddenly his kiss wandered off too the side, onto her cheek; her chin; her hairline before ending on the top of her head with her cheek resting securely on top of his shoulder and arms wrapped tightly around her frame. Like they should be. Always.

“Amy Santiago, we’ve always been end game.”

#jake peralta #amy santiago #peraltiago #peraltiago fanfiction #fanficition #peraltiago fanfic #jake x amy #jake and amy #brooklyn nine-nine #b99 #brooklyn nine nine

[swampgallows]

one of the most fucking stressful things about being at my old job was that people would take pictures of me all the time, like i was part of the fucking exhibit. some people even had the gall to be cute and tell me i was also a ‘work of art’. no im not. i’m a fucking person trying to get a paycheck. i’m not a fucking object. i’m not a fucking doll. i dont want to be fucking looked at. im tired of people looking at me. i know that i dress weird and i know that i have green hair but i dont fucking do it for attention. it’s so fucking hard to explain to people that i can look bizarre and still not be doing it for attention. there are plenty of times i ‘blend in’ but still stand out and it makes me fucking furious. i walk my dog wearing tattered clothes, huge holes in my pants and ratty t-shirts, my hair hidden in a hood and beanie, looking like a formless thrift store amalgam, and people still fucking drive by and honk at me or shout shit at me from their windows. walkin my dog by a middle school. 

im so fucking tired of being treated like a novelty when im feeling confident and then being treated like meat when i’m not. i remember some woman, maybe a celebrity, saying “no matter what, dont ever hide in your room because you think you arent good enough” but it is so fucking Painful to be seen. it so fucking awful to be perceived. i hate people looking at me, i hate people seeing me, i hate people objectifying me and treating me like i’m not a person. i dont want to have to get dressed up fancy to be worth something to someone and i dont want ot be treated like a circus act when im trying to be comfortable. throughout all of high school i wore the same fucking thing every day because that’s what i felt comfortable in and because people made a big fucking ogling deal when i didnt, and i didnt want people looking at me, so i just downplayed my existence and then i got fucking ridiculed for it “shall we say obsessively?” the entire fucking student body and teachers fuckign singlged me out and ridiculed me

my ptsd runs so fucking deep man. i try to be proud of myself, i try to make sure i end up in some photos and stuff as proof of me existing but i hate having my picture taken, i hate being looked at, i hate existing, and i hate being objectified whenever i do dare to show my face. im not proud of myself anymore. im not proud of how i dress, im not proud of the clothes i have, everything just feels like an obligation to perform some kind of fucking role. i feel so shut out from my own interests, the few that i have, because they feel so fucking performative. it feels like if i’m not productive somehow, if i dont have people gawking at me and putting me on a pedestal, then im fucking worthless. i hate it. it’s disingenuous. i am so tired of existing to entertain people. im tired of people telling me i’m funny and then sit there gawping waiting for me to say a funny thing, im tired of having to play a fucking part like i have to be an expert on everything if i like it, im tired of people telling me how smart i am but then never letting me talk or never having anything to add to the conversation, like im just some kind of walking snapple facts that they can clap on the shoulder and say “gosh youre just so smart!!!” 

i feel like taffy pulled in ten directions and only able to put myself in a shallow slot for ay of it. i’m always fucking “too” this or that. i never fit in anywhere, and im never comfortable anywhere. parts of me are always sticking out. i cant comfortably nestle anywhere. im already being confined to these narrow fucking niches and even within those i dont fit all the way. it’s just fuckign exhausting. i just want to die in my sleep instead of struggling forever and ever and ever to have one foot in and the rest of me dangling off a precipice. im not cuts of meat. im a person

#blathering

[elenni]

fearless🖤

i am proud to say, i’m happy, like genuinely happy. it’s been a long time since i was able to say that and not fake the happiness. the people around me have the most genuine hearts and are so positive. but i’ve also have become more positive within my self and found my genuine spirit that i thought i lost forever. i’m thriving like a butterfly & im ready to explore new places & find new friends and new relationships. i want to start dancing for fun again and start journaling more. i like writing for not only myself but for other people who might need a tiny light shed into their lives. i’m tired of doing stupid things just for the thrill, i want to thrive and do things that will make me happy. i’m rediscovering myself and rebuilding myself. in life, i’ve hit many lows and many highs and i’ve realized you cant live within the lows because it’s only going to drag you down. the highs, whether small or big are to be celebrated and fully lived. i want to share my story to the world about the pain i’ve endured and reassure people that there is always hope no matter how deep in the dark you live. dark times are rough and i’m not saying it’s easy to just leave it all behind, but good times are ahead. and i’m walking on the path of self redemption. never define yourself by what the world creates you to be, because the truth is; you are you and only you can create the image of yourself that you want the world to see & know, which should be the truth of course. never create a false image of yourself to excite people, you’re special in every way and being your self is the best thing you can do for yourself. forget about satisfying everyone else and just live life for yourself. be the most you that you can be and you will see who is truly worth living for and who will accept you no matter what. this is to new relationships and new discoveries within yourself and discoveries within new adventures that life will take you to. be fearless and never give up, because i promise it will always get better no matter how bad it is right now, grip onto the hope that it will get better and don’t let go of it. i love you all and you’re so special in every way that you are. you only live life once so live it the right way. fearlessness.. xoxo E🌻🖤

[discordant-daydreams]

valkyrie rosin: enter

i had done this for school about one of my ocs i have been trying to develop since 2013 but turns out i didn’t need to. I’m posting it here so it was worth it also because i am proud of it! please enjoy! 

I had been napping. It was a hot summer day, well it was spring but it felt more like summer, and I had nothing better to do. Napping was always interesting. Whenever i napped i had dreams, No not dreams, nightmares. They were always the same thing, my village was being destroyed. I always wake up panicking and honestly who wouldn't. I've talked to others about it and they always say that it's just my internal fear of becoming leader of our village but that feels wrong. I feel it is a warning like someone telling me something bad is going to happen. In the dream an evil shadowy man with glowing red eyes is destroying the village. At the end he always says i told you. Today was no different.

“Val! Wake up! We’re gonna have another race and you are still the winner!” i hear my older brothers voice. We are a race of shifters, a species that looks human but can transform into two other species, and i can become a horse or swan hence the name valkyrie. My brother a bear and a wolf. He hasn't gotten a name yet and he doesnt really want one. We are given normal names at birth, mine being rosin his being beamard but id rather valkyrie. So many people struggle on remembering how to say rosin that its just easier to go with valkyrie. I groan in annoyance and get up.

“You know I’m going to win if you allow the use of abilities, right? I can become a horse!”

“Yeah but eric is gonna join us today”beamard remarks with a smirk

“Oh no,” my brother laughs pats my shoulders and walks to the location

“So you have the same dream?” he says with genuine worry. I frown and nod. There's a silence for a while as we make our way towards the venue. My brother gives the normal rundown of rules. No inflicting pain on another, no cheating, yada yada yada. We start to take on our fastest forms and i notice hesitation on my brothers face.he glances towards me and forces a smile and mouths that he is fine. I raise an eyebrow and stay guarded.

Me and bee have been talking a lot about the history of our species and how it has been forgotten. We used to be able to shift into anything but we had to know the species very well and practice. We used to use it just to change our appearance slightly or prepare for battles and such but some wanted more. Our village got greedy and tried to learn any species possible so we could have the upper hand and the humans didn't like that. They never liked us because we are different but i get that. I understand how it feels. Some species scare me and my first reaction is to react unfavorably so i understand if they want to attack us. The humans asked us to agree to learning no more identities and we accepted it well reluctantly. My parents didn't like having their freedom taken away and neither did I when i learned.

My brother takes on the form of a wolf, Eric a falcon and me well i did something different. I tried a thoroughbred horse instead of a friesian. I probably would have been stopped had i not waited till the last minute. The cap gun goes off and we took off. I knew i was doing the wrong thing but man the adrenaline i was feeling was unreal. It was amazing. We all make it to the end but i zoomed to the finish line last minute and won. I was cheering having my own celebration but no one else was cheering.

“Ah c’mon guys don’t be sore losers it was only a-”

“Rosin how could you! You know that's forbidden! Are you trying to get us killed!” beamards shouts as he grabs my shoulders shaking me. The terror he is feeling was tangible and i looked up at him frowning.

“I-i thought it would be fine if it was just a different breed im sorry… im sorry! I don't want to get you killed! Im sorry!” as i begin to cry beamard softens and realizes he reacted harshly.

“Im sorry val i just worry i don't want anything to happen to you and honestly they wouldn't punish an entire village for an 8 year old’s curiosity.” somethign about the way he spoke felt fake and wrong but i just brushed it off and ignore it. we hug and our friends declare me the winner again. I convince them to all go out for ice cream by saying bee would treat them. He frowns and says fine and i laughs. Everything is nice and fun again and after ice cream w get home for dinner with our family. My parents seem oddly serious and beamard steps behind me. Dad nods at beamard and sighs.

“We know beamard you don't have to say anything i want you two to grab your dinners and go to the basement.” beamard nods and grabs our plates and heads off nudging me forward. I stand firm and glare at my father.

“No i will not! All day everyone has been acting.. Off? Weird? I cant describe it! Whatever it is im tired of it! Stop leaving me out!” beamard just quietly says please as i yell at my parents. Was it wrong of me to yell probably. Had i known what i know now would i have yelled? I wish i could say no but knowing myself the answer is still, probably. My father and mother kneel in front of me and frown grabbing my hands and say,

“Sweetie i know you want answers but please you have to trust us. We will be joining you two in the basement soon!” i frown, nod, and hug them and follow beamard to the basement. We eat our dinner in silence both too worried to speak. I suddenly remember my dream as it plays back in my head and i start crying as i realize.

“Beamard? The humans, they are trying to exterminate us aren't they?” he looks at me shocked but then nods and gestures for me to come over. I do and we huddle together hopeing for the best. “So my dream was correct… that really sucks.” i try so hard to keep my emotions under control but its hard. We hear screams outside and magic. we feel rumbling as homes are destroyed. The home we knew for years being reduced to ruble. The village i was to lead some day, no more. Everything we knew was being ripped from our grasp just because humans don't understand. Beamard looks down at me frowning.

“Rosie please don't hate the human. Please promise me you will stay open minded with them. Not all of them are terrible. Not all of them intend to destroy those they are confused about. Please keep your kind loving heart and promise me if anything were to happen to me that you wont change. That you wont let the hatred consume you. Please remember that i love you-” the door blasts open and a short winged humanoid comes in. they are wearing a cloak so we are unable to see what they look like but they are pale almost pinkish in hue. The vibes they give off are feelings of unsatiable blood lust and a hunger for violence. They send chills up my spine and i have the urge to run away. My brother grabs me and runs to the farthest corner of the room where he left his sword. I hiss through my teeth. Why didnt he have his sword on him? I draw my sword and approach “rosin no!” beamard jumps in front of my his sword clattering to the ground. There is a bright indigo light and it goes through my brother and reaches me. I an feel a searing pain from my left shoulder down to my hip and i wince, gritting my teeth. As i look forward to check on my brother all i can see is a pile of glittering crystals where my brother once was. I lose my composure for a moment and weep, collapsing where i stand, nd then regain it tearing off the crystals forming where the wound is.

“You arent a normal 8 year old are you? Youve prepared for this.” the person says with an unsusual voice. Its higher and friendly. One you would here and think of an innocent childlike individual. “A normal 8 year old would have been too afraid of the danger let alone the threat of death. They did warn me that you are an intelligent individual but i thought that meant for an 8 year old.”

“Yeah well you don't know our species then.” i get up draw my sword careful to make sure they arent looking and charge at them driving my sword through their middle and then using a match to light their wings. I didnt expect it to do much but they panicked and managed to break their wing. I oull my sword out and run away. As i am running i see the village i once knew. It was on fire. The cause? A grey dragon whose face was the angriest ive seen. The dragon made eye contact with me and it seemed to be appologizing. I run into the forest leaving a trail of blood. I find a cave and settle down when i hear a voice. The voice of a child about my age.

“Hi there my name is uh alex, we’ll go with that, um why are you in my cave?” i frown out of it.

“My village was just destroyed can you not see?” the child pauses and smirks. The smirk makes me go cold

“Oh yeah i forgot. I did warn you though.”

#valkyrie rosin #valkyrie #writing #shape shifters #shifters #beamard #angst #demons #yeet

[mykindoffairytale]

forgive my angst

wJust a little rant for “everything” that is going wrong, but dont take me too seriously, Ive been feeling exceedingly great considering circumstances and been feeling very *proud* of myself in terms of self growth :)

1. havent been admitting things recently, and i do see this constant suppression of emotions as a safety net for me not to feel too much of the good or the bad, self preserving but i guess it has honestly served me well, although at the expense of honesty and vulnerability but still am thankful that those who love and know me enough are somehow still enough 

2. very <X3 at alevels, could not have felt more referred pain because I was once there, how was I so adequately delivered but where was the same grace for xj, was lowkey going to spiral but thank God work and subsequent return home went well. Its so damning to see one’s life and self worth being so dependent on results and a singular one for that matter. Admittedly, its such a dream of mine to open the minds of jc kids to the knowledge that they matter more, more than a single outcome of an exam sat once in their lifetime. Heart wrenching, and everyone should at least have a fair shot at overseas education, i dont understand why that is not a thing, there is so much more that the world can offer beyond Sg and its just our elitists' mindset that has been drilled into our heads by nationalists that drives this constant praise and clout for everything SG. come on LA. 

3. there is nothing i can do. nothing i can do for now: I cant pay her way out (I cant give her a route I feel to be best) but i pray that somehow everything ive gotten out of medical school and an overseas education will be reproduced in a system that is very much opposite. I pray for a saving grace and a realisation so WOKE that it could have only came from Jesus. 

4. starting to have this thought process less (PTL) but: why am i making things so hard for myself. Holy translation: why am i taking the narrow road and not the wide path to destruction. John’s quote of the bible was clearly skewed and mq was again right that how was cheating ever going to be an option. I guess whats tiring is how this all seems to be in vain, Im going to do worse and therefore am expecting to just pass and hence am not working as hard. Two, my voice is again not welcomed among friends. Three, I just have “really strong” morals, not a godsent (edith) who despite not being religious, has strengthened my conviction and threatened at every waver. Conclusion: its just a loneliness from taking the narrow path (NOT into destruction) but ill get over it. 

5. realising things like: I value words at the end of a long day or when i beat myself up over failures, I do not value words when they are condescending or men when they are full of themselves. My values are REALLY strong, they stem a lot from religion. Insecurity is soso prevalent, as much as mine is paralysing, I am not alone working through it, neither are you, so take heart. I luv mi family. I do not love the full ways of my country. I learn alot more from inadequate preparation: to prepare better. I’ve got to train my discipline and attention span, i get so bored easily. I am too selfish with my time and emotional energy. I do not mind working for a year in the uk at all. Why i do medicine: for Christ, hopefully with time my actions wont make my ideals a far stretch from reality.

heres me being full of myself:

It was a no brainer, I could do better with discussion, with the ggc app. Didnt give it a second thought until I remembered the fear of previous exams and the overwhelming peace that was Christ. Do I forget the He who has brought me through with grace that was undeserved or do I yield to the flesh and take matters into my own. Basically the crux was: is grace enough. It was blurry but slowly becoming clear, I wasnt trying to be morally upright as john suggested, nor was I trying to condemn others in my head. I was trying to remind myself that grades arent everything, they are not what im chasing. Responsibilities are huge in this career and Im trying to learn how to swallow the implications of my actions. Lastly and I guess most importantly I was trying to tell myself that I was enough, I am smart, I am capable and even when I wasn’t Christ was enough. He was more than enough in my passings and celebrations, but He is still everything in my weakness and failures. 

Grace is enough.

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

dunked !

so i finally did it. tbh was contemplating whether i should write this post tonight, but i genuinely fear that i wont remember as much details if i dont process this sooner. 

there are quite a bit of thoughts on my mind, perhaps i need time to process and sit on it. but as of now, i guess i can write whats on my mind heh.  today i finally got baptised! it took me a while, considering i only had one lesson left before the ‘bigger ceremony’ - which was the one i initially ended to attend. 

but this time, they told me that i could only invite 4 people. i hated it, honestly. it was only told to me 2 weeks ago, and it was a bit tough to make the call on who should come. should i call the people that i truly love, but risk not calling the people that i deem needs to hear it most?  should i then, push back everything because not everyone i love, can make it? 

but then again, who is to say that the next time this happens, i will get to share my life? who is to say that, when things will go back to normal? finally settled on the people, because i did not see why not. and thankfully, there was actually a zoom link.  i think i learnt that, those that truly wanted to watch, would have tuned in. if i totally forgot to send them the link (which happened) - it probably mean that they weren’t on the top of my list to even consider.  im honestly a bit shocked at how i responded to the whole situation. besides being upset that not all my loved ones could be there, i have papers to write, tests to think about, quizzes to complete - everything just seems like its all piling up, and i am struggling to balance all these, along with this ‘very important event in my life’  so there are a few convictions that came up in the end: - i concluded that i didnt need everyone to be there, if my life didnt change.  whats the point of calling everyone else to witness this event, when they cant even tell that Jesus has transformed my life? 

- i (initially) concluded that this is just a pure public declaration.  to be honest, it kinda is. considering the intensity of work i am going through this week, along with events of cny + pt work, it is technically a ceremony, not wrong. life wasnt going to stop for me. things were still happening.  but i think being there at the ceremony today, made me feel things that i did not expect.  just sitting in the service, listening to PJ speak about the symbolism of baptism, made me cry. i had to stop myself and control my tears, bc it was so overwhelming i couldnt control it.  i dont understand why i couldnt stop crying. perhaps it was the realisation that truly, this is something that i want to be in charge of. that this is me really wanting to choose jesus. that still despite all the unanswered questions, the great uncertainty, i will still want to choose jesus.  in that sheer realisation, i realised that i am so loved. that i am chosen, and that i’d like to think that my parents did such a good job in fufilling what they were called - to raise a child that is jesus loving.  i was crying because i realised that i have decided to commit my life to jesus. in that realisation, it is also realising that there might be some things in my life that i would love to happen, but might not happen simply because, i chose to love jesus.  i was crying because it felt so overwhelming, to know that this is something i get to be a part and to take control of. to make the conscious choice.  in that sheer realisation, i realised that i am so small. so small and insignificant, but God would still choose me over everything else.  i am tired now, perhaps thats why i feel so incoherent.  but i can never forget the sound of me submerging. jokes and being real aside, i was truly wondering what’s the importance of going underwater, besides people watching.  but that sound. there’s something about the sound of submerging, that i cant seem to forget. it felt.. cinematic. it was like how i could see the scene of this baptism, if i choose to shoot it one day.  the angles of the camera being at the side, moving in the same direction of the submerge, and coming up in the same way.  the sound of the water moving, when you are being submerged.  that splash when you stand up.  the cheers of people around you, along with the lines of “old gone, new come”.  the loud cheers, of people being proud of you. 

it’s that sound of submergence. i dont understand what it means. i dont understand why it feels so prominent, or at least memorable.  but that was cool.  i think additionally, in the midst of grumbling that life will still carry on - there is something within me that is stirring. i am not sure what yet, but one thing i’d ask, is: how will life, ever be the same again? in the midst of lamenting, i am still reminded that i am worth celebrating. that people will still want to love me, to remember me by celebrating the ‘new birth’.  that people see the importance a bit more than i can, at least in the moment.  what an additional great reminder! 

[athcnvs]

aLLL of them

Send “✆” for a MORNING text.

[ 11:57 ] ➝ graham: my eyes are aren’t fully open yet but good mornign my dearest[ 11:58 ] ➝ graham: is it still morning i think it’s still morning why is my csreen so brgih t[ 11:58 ] ➝ graham: yes just in time im up before noon are u proud of me????[ 11:59 ] ➝ graham: say ur proud of me ://

Send “” for a text that WASN’T SENT. 

[ UNSENT ] ➝ graham: hey if i wasnt so hung up over brandon during high school, do you think we would have dated? idk why i’m thinking about this now bc it’s so long ago, but do you think? i probably misunderstood and you probably didn’t have feelings for me back then, but i can’t help thinking about the possibility that you did. in retrospect, you really did care about me a lot, even way back when. i can’t believe that i took you for granted. i know i’ve apologized for it several times, but i had no idea how good i had it. i feel like i took you for granted more than i apologized for it and then teagan happened and i dont know. i didn’t have the right to be jealous, so why was i??? why do i have to keep building up walls?? why can’t i give anyone a chance??? i’m so stupid i should have let you in from the start. fuck brandon, i hate him. why am i so dumb??? why am i writing this why do i think this would even make a difference?? maybe i should take ur advice from before and give up on what’s never going to happen bc ur my best friend and i cant let anything or anyone change that

Send “☎” for a RUSHED text. 

[ 15:31 ] ➝ graham: my phone is at 1% but pls remind me to tell u abt my day bc i was hit on by a cute boy and i feel very conflicted atm im omw back soon lov u

Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text.

[ 01:12 ] ➝ graham: ui have a sueqtion[ 01:12 ] ➝ graham: do yoyu caer about me ?[ 01:13 ] ➝ graham: like hkonestly?[ 01:14 ] ➝ graham: i know dyou say you do btu are you telgling thbe trtuh[ 01:14 ] ➝ graham: pim afraid that one day youre goign tto stop caring about me[ 01:14 ] ➝ graham: i love you pso much i dont want to eewvr lose you[ 01:15 ] ➝ graham:im afraid of aour friendship being ruuined [ 01:15 ] ➝ graham:evertiyhngs a mess but i lvoe u

Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text. 

[ 18:22 ] ➝ graham: yea sure just give me a sex[ 18:22 ] ➝ graham: OMG THAT WAS A TYPO[ 18:22 ] ➝ graham: WHY CAN’T WE UNDO TEXTS IT’S 2017 [ 18:22 ] ➝ graham: I’M SO SORRY PLS DO NOT BRING THIS UP

Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.

[ 04:34 ] ➝ graham: u up? i can’t sleep[ 04:34 ] ➝ graham: i’ve just been staring at the ceiling… thinking[ 04:34 ] ➝ graham: my first instinct was to text u about it[ 04:39 ] ➝ graham: ur probably asleep nvm

Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.

[ 02/23/13, 22:35 ] ➝ graham: ok can u pls stop telling me that i should just give up on brandon????? like holy shit graham[ 02/23/13, 22:35 ] ➝ graham: i get that you’re trying to look out for me but i can handle things on my own u kno[ 02/23/13, 22:37 ] ➝ graham: if i want to go out and get my heart broken at least let me learn my lesson[ 02/23/13, 22:40 ] ➝ graham: i really don’t mean to be confrontational with u because you’ve always been so kind to me, but trust me on this ok???? just…. let me try to fix this bc i really care about him and i’m getting tired of everyone telling me that he’s not worth it bc he means a lot to me and since u kno how i’ve felt abt him u should respect my decision to go through with this and take my chances[ 02/23/13, 22:41 ] ➝ graham: i just dont want to give up on someone that mattered so easily and i’m going to hope that he still hasn’t given up on me

Send “#” for a RANDOM text.

[ 02:05 ] ➝ graham: did u kno that the pillsbury doughboy’s real name is…[ 02:06 ] ➝ graham: poppin’ fresh[ 02:06 ] ➝ graham: i mean i guess their products should be poppin’ after they’re fresh out of the oven… they should give him sunglasses

Send “@” for a SCARED text.

[ 23:11 ] ➝ graham: i see people who are so passionate abt their craft and i keep thinking that i’ve made a mistake in my life and that i should have found a way to move forward with music even though my parents would probably yell at me forever??? i mean computer science is cool and all and people make a lot of money but is that really what i want in life??? i guess there are cs jobs in entertainment but i guess it’s not exactly what i was thinking of. but at the same time maybe i’m not a good enough musician to do anything with it.[ 23:16 ] ➝ graham: i guess my youtube channel is good enough for now but what does it matter if i’m not happy in the end u kno???? o well…. que sera que sera i guess i’m gonna go back to transcribing this tab

Send “&” for a LOVING text.

[ 23:16 ] ➝ graham: hey saw these scans from a book called soppy online and it’s so cute??? some of them made me think of us[ 23:17 ] ➝ graham: hold on lemme send[ 23:21 ] ➝ graham: [ attachment ][ 23:21 ] ➝ graham: [ attachment ][ 23:21 ] ➝ graham: [ attachment ][ 23:22 ] ➝ graham: that last one is when im playing overwatch

Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.

[ 12:42 ] ➝ graham: what is ur stance on matching hoodies??[ 12:42 ] ➝ graham: i’m not planning on buying any or anything i was just asking for a friend who saw something online[ 12:43 ] ➝ graham: the colors are the inverse of each other and i think they look cool

Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text.

[ 14:23 ] ➝ graham: GRAHAM GRAHAM HARHAFAMRA HRRAHAM GHRAM[ 14:23 ] ➝ graham: IM SCREAMING CAN U HEAR ME[ 14:23 ] ➝ graham: I’M ABT TO HIT 100K ON MY CHANNEL HOLY MOLY[ 14:24 ] ➝ graham: LET’S GO OUT AND CELEBRATE WHEN I DO

Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.

[ 13:52 ] ➝ graham: https://youtu.be/58-jcJupBug[ 13:52 ] ➝ graham: oh my god that’s not the video i wanted to send u[ 13:52 ] ➝ graham: i… have no idea how that got in my clipboard  

Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text. 

[ UNSENT ] ➝ graham: sometimes i ask myself how the events of my life led me to this point. sometimes i wonder how different things would have been if slowly distanced myself from you. or if i found some reason to hate you. there were so many instances where i could have vanished from your life. would you have noticed if i did?? sometimes i think about how my life would probably be less complicated and messy if i wasn’t your best friend. if i didn’t love you so much. but here i am, and here i will forever be. i wish i could give myself the closure i need, but it’s been four years and i still don’t know where i stand or how i feel about you. four. years. i just hope that i don’t mess things up for the both of us. in the end, it’s the two of us against the world. wow ok that sounded dramatic athena what are you doing[ 03:04 ] ➝ graham: i can’t believe i’m really out here tearing up to the ost of a kdrama at 3 o clock in the morning… who am i??

#grahamfr #ive decided that the boys name was brandon #☾✧.° — graham ! #☾✧.° — musings ft. graham ! #☾✧.° — meme ! #☾✧.° — answered ! #wow look at that 2013 text #wow....... #is athena turning into a spoken word poet #i cant believe this #im sorry again #athena lowkey has a lot of emotions this is why she just doesnt