#i am still so much better now than i was pre-hrt

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

#yamswers #anonymous #dysphoria discussion #q slur — only because i literally use it in the noun form most associated w/ dehumanization #i love that u asked this on a tuesday. thank u for asking this on a tuesday #happy testosterone tuesday to all who celebrate #i also got top surgery a while ago—which is responsible for about 50% of my average suicidal idealizations vanishing #because my chest was my second biggest site of dysphoria after my voice #it was far less painful than i dared imagine. and far more satisfying. i had an excellent and lucky recovery #my results aren't perfect but oh man. the joy of being able to press my hand (flat) to my chest (flat). #the way that a binder mimics the exact squeeze around my lungs that a panic attack stimulates— #not feeling that when i'm out in public? thank you modern medicine. thank you. oh my god. no more false flag panic attacks #i had to fight my insurance for two years and all the health providers i contacted told me the hoops i was being made to jump through #seemed utterly ridiculous. and it was still gobs of money but i got it. so grateful u cannot even imagine #a lot of people describe their feelings post op as “relief—finally i could see myself” #but i experience...more delight than relief. joy. is joy the absence of pain or the presence of happiness? can i tell the difference? #on my worst days i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on

[lavenderedhoney]

Still wanting asks about taking t for an androgynous look? :3 if not just ignore me lol :3

I have been off and on T for a little over a year, and I've had a great experience! I wanted T for a long time but wasn't sure about it. But I got on it for different medical reasons and WOO I love it so much! I do injections, a 0.25ml dose (considered a smaller dose, like a starting dose or half dose).

I've got a couple dozen adorable chin hairs and a pale little fwuffy mustache thing going on (irrelevant to public presentation bc I always wear a mask) and my legs and thighs and butt cheeks have gotten adorably fluffier! My nipples have WAY better sensations during sex? Previously I didn't really even like them touched but now it's great. Unsure if they're more sensitive or less sensitive or just different, so I have no idea how it might change for other people. Oh!! AND t has made my whole boobs kinda...smaller??? Different density? They're different for sure. I can look semi-flat with a hoodie, and it's almost flatter looking without a bra underneath. A tight shirt under a jacket looks very androgynous, tho you can still see the shape of boobies because mine are medium/large sized. But I get gendered as a man and a woman looking like that so :3 idk what cis ppl see lol

The tdick is my favorite part!!! I literally can't even remember what it looked like before, my brain just kinda yeeted that information. I'm so in love with the tdick. Its been growing slowly but steadily this whole time. The first couple weeks had a LOT of growth, and then it's just been sliiiiiiightly changing a little more ever since. First it was mostly a change in sensitivity, but recently it's changed how pressure feels, and specifically feels better being stroked. It's definitely a little less sensitive, but in a good way? Pre-T, it was easy to feel like "okay that's too much sensory, it's unpleasant now," but I dont experience overwhelming sensations much (and when i do, its always specifically on the head, so i can just adjust how the hood/foreskin is positioned to fix it! It's neat!) so it's a welcome change for me! Its been fun to notice it change more and more! And of course it's gotten bigger. I think it's probably a great size to use for oral penetration but I haven't gotten to test that out lol. It seems like it tends to have a little growth spurt when I happen to stop and then restart t (usually bc Pharmacy Issues)? Unsure if that's just my imagination.

But yeah! The changes have been very slow but steady, and I've had lots of time to ponder how I feel about all of it and make sure I'm enjoying all the changes. And I do enjoy them all! I wasn't sure about some of them; but my feelings are very warm and giddy whenever I notice a new change.

I do worry about like, presenting in public. I get gendered as a man and a woman pretty regularly. Has it caused any issues? Well, maybe, but not much more than pre-T. My voice is still in a "gets seen as a woman" range but it has the *loveliest* velvety tone when I talk in a lower voice. I've gotten a surprising number of compliments on it! But as for visual presentation, I am very much in an Androgynous Range. I can do the transmasc-hoodie-and-shorts, pitch my voice lower, and pass as a guy (or sometimes strangers mistake me for a teenage boy which can be frustrating). But I can also pass a woman if I want, especially with a more feminine shirt or just by shifting my voice into the High Pitched Customer Service Range lol (though I also get mistaken for a teenage girl. Idk. I just have a younger looking face I guess) My curves have gotten smaller (hips, boobs, etc) which I THOUGHT I'd be sad about--but rather than feeling like I "lost" an attractive part of myself, i just feel like i swapped it for a different, equally attractive form 🥰

I hope this provides some of the data you were looking for, and thanks for the opportunity to ramble about my specific experience on HRT! I check this blog every so often (cos it's super cute) so if you wanted to ask any questions, id probably eventually see it!

Anyways have a good day!

-a nonbiney soft butch creature anon 💜🌸

Thank you thank you!! This is all really helpful. I don't want to pass as a man so I'm definitely going to take it slow but I'm really interested in seeing what T does to my body. Very curious to see how and where I bulk up muscle-wise because I'd LOVE some biceps and also I already have strong legs so it would be cute if they get even bigger. I won't hold my breath for a disguisable chest though lmao (I'm an F cup 😔).

#thank you 💖💖💖 #i just got new insurance for the new year so im gonna try getting that t gel prescription filled again #a gel or a cream would definitely be my preferred method to take it #anonymous #reply #t diary

[suzieb-fit]

Well, my hormones have jumped up out of their short lived slumber once again, lol.

So far, I've gone three months without a period. Pre-menopause has been in full swing for quite a while now. Much longer than just those few months. Lack of periods is only one part of the whole fairground ride.

Been on HRT patches for a couple of weeks, and they are definitely helping settle the emotional symptom side of things.

But they aren't magic, and I'm still going to get certain symptoms along the way.

Even without the actual period, I still go through typical PMS. For the last couple of weeks, I've been feeling the yucky stomach ache. It's never that bad, I'm just aware of it.

But today they've hit in earnest. And the food cravings have joined in for the fun and games.

Ugh.

So yeah, let's just say my earlier food diary is now shaking it's head in dismay 😳😋.

No biggie. I am not exactly binging, but I've eaten more than allowed for. I have no need to worry. Just going to ride out the storm and do what I can to feel better. The jar of peanut butter is certainly taking the brunt, haha.

#fitspo #fitspiration #fitblr #fitness #healthy living #health and fitness #fitness-by-suzie #menopause #hormones

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

I know I put a post about this FaceApp mess about a few days ago, but I just ended up putting a pretty long and reflective post on FB regarding the last 10 years when sharing it. Which is below;

I was messing with FaceApp a few days ago and my instant response to this was, “NO!!!! Just no! Thank fuck that was never me!” 😂

Probably is a fairly accurate representation of how I’d look right now if I hadn’t transitioned. And look, there are totally aspects of myself I wish I could change. I know I’m not necessarily the most feminine looking individual but between how I look now and what could of been. Hell, I‘ll take how I look now any day of the week.

I still really love a quote from one of my favourite books, “Being Emily” by Rachel Gold. There is a bit where Emily’s mum says something along the lines of, “You’ll never be pretty. You’ll be an ugly woman. Why would you put yourself through that?” Can’t remember it word for word. But Emily’s response is simply, “I would rather fail at being myself than succeed at being someone I’m not.”

Not that being pretty is a requirement of being a woman, but there can be this perception that if you don’t ”pass” you have somehow failed and you may as well have not bothered transitioning.

I’m actually approaching 10 years of being on estrogen. It’ll be 10 years on the 18th February and just realising it has been that long is just, “WOW!”

In that time I’ve been at university, started a career, had 3 roommates, met 3 people who I think are gonna pretty much be friends for life, got my awesome cat Mr Gold and just generally become so much more confident in myself.

For better or for worse, my life isn’t exactly what I imagined it would be pre-transition. I mean ideally I would have liked to have been married or at least settled down with a partner by now. I might have had some unrealistic expectations about what I’d look like. Also early in my transition, I was mentally trying really hard to conform to this super feminine ideal which over the years I have just realised is not me in the slightest, which is why I generally failed to put it into practice.

I realised though, ultimately I transitioned to be me and to feel some sense of comfort in the skin I am in. Everyone has aspects of themselves they wish they could change but I have gone from having a complete dissonance with my body. Like honest to God, I used to look in the mirror and my brain would struggle to recognise the person looking back at me was in fact me. Like, it wasn’t wanting to change a few things about myself. My brain was literally like, “This person is not me in the slightest.”

I used to play video games and totally disassociate too. Like I’d play a game and completely block out the world around me, not intentionally but the desire to escape the body I had back then was just so strong. It’s a reason I dislike VR so much. I can now play video games and still feel present in this world and I like feeling present in this world and my body. I don’t want to block out the world around me and engulf myself in a game anymore.

I now look in the mirror and sure there are things I’d change about myself if I could, my hair is probably the biggest thing I’d change. I hate my hair, lol. But like, I do see myself now. I look in the mirror and my brain is like, “Yeah, that’s me.” Honest to God, in the first 12 months of transition, I took more photos of myself than I did during the first 20 years of my life, lol. And like its not just alterations to physical appearance. It was also the impact on my mental health. It goes without saying but estrogen is very different to testosterone and a large chunk of what I can remember of myself prior to starting HRT, was having this constant simmering rage just below the surface. From what I know of most of my male friends, testosterone causing a constant feeling of simmering rage is not a common side effect, lol. With estrogen, that simmering rage just subsided and not to mention it came with a boost in confidence.

I noticed the mental effects way before any physical effects started but like by like late March, early April 2013 I was already looking at starting to at rebuilding my friendship circles and social life. Something that prior to that point I just couldn’t bare to do. I went to a job interview which I remember absolutely nailing cos I felt more able to be me, than faking to be someone else.

And like here is a thing, like prior to starting HRT I did have a double personality. Like there were two personalities in my head. Deadname and Lily. Lily was naturally the stronger personality but deadname was the one I put across to the world. And I say they were two personalities, cos they literally did have conversations with each other in my head. Deadname was there as a defence mechanism to hide Lily though and a weak defence mechanism at best. I think people can tell when you aren’t putting your full self, your best self forward and the lack of confidence I had pre-HRT I think was just blatantly clear.

Starting HRT caused deadname’s voice to very quickly fade though. I finally had one person in my head, me and fail or succeed, I was at least being me. My best self.

And you know sommat, I mentioned the constant simmering rage, the double personalities and up till have gender reassignment surgery in 2016 there were still mental hang ups that kept my mind occupied. I vividly remember Summer 2017 I was camping and just laying there in my tent and thinking how utterly silent my brain sounded. Like all that mental clutter was finally gone.

Anyway, this has turned into a long reflective post and it was just meant to be about my reaction to me messing about on FaceApp though. I just so happy that 10 years after starting HRT, I’m well and truly happy in the person I’ve become and I wish I could go back and tell past me how good my life will become. I would probably be horrified to learn I drop out of university though 😂

Fingers crossed the next 10 years are just as good 😊

#trans woman #transgender #selfie #FaceApp #my life #miscellaneous

[ilikemilkbread]

i was thinking for a long while about whether there would be any purpose to me making a "goodbye" post here, considering i barely talk to anyone here anymore nor have i really had anyone i used to talk to reach out to me

but. i kinda want to. just to use tumblr to talk about myself for one last time. and say that final goodbye. except not final lmao

its been 6 months since the last time i reblogged a post. which is weird to think about. its been longer since i was actually active here. its been longer since i last talked to a mutual. oops. i still definitely value the people ive met here, but... i just stopped using this site. its hard to talk to people if you arent using the same platforms for communication

to a big block of text that may actually comment on things:

im doing a lot better now.

across a lot of my time on tumblr, i think ive come across as an often vitriolic person. i most likely was a vitriolic person. i spent ALL of my teenage years on this site, and my teenage years were some of my outright worst. i used tumblr as an escape from that, but i allowed my emotions to spill across. i talked negatively about things often (because i couldnt vent to people in real life). i often outright criticised things i knew my mutuals liked. i would be dismissive and negative about topics for the sole reason of hoping that it would be enough to make a mutual unfollow me. i gained some sort of sick validation from that feeling. its weird to think about. its weird to know how much i cared about these interactions with people i barely knew

lately, ive moved away from online spaces. a bit. ive probably spent way too much of my time on youtube watching study content and fucking discrete mathematics guides lmao. but ive done less doom scrolling. i dont really know what shows are popular anymore, and im fine with that

the biggest change that helped me, i think, was finding other queer people. my university has a queer collective. ive never been more blessed to know such people

i also met my beautiful boyfriend there.

university has treated me kindly. now that were back in-person, ive been thriving. my current units are... something, but i find computer science as a whole thrilling. ive had the opportunity to interview for some related roles (mainly lvl 1 helpdesk lmao) and its been an overall fascinating experience (yes im still a first year shhhh)

with the assistance of a friend, ive found a nearby clinic that does hrt currently accepting new patients. if you know the state of trans healthcare within australia, finding a place accepting new patients is HARD. i am endlessly grateful to my friend for informing me of the clinics status. ideally, ill be starting hrt soon

but. mostly, ive come so much further than i thought i ever could. im out in a small community, and im going by my chosen name in many circles. ive cut my hair off. i have a boyfriend who is part of the queer community himself (though cis) who accepts me. i NEVER thought i would have this opportunity pre-transition.

and my queer friends i have found in life. there is beauty in community. i care so much about all of them. i didnt realise how lonely and isolated i was, as a trans person not knowing any other queer people.

my life has changed for the better. this post exists solely so i can ramble about that.

im probably not going to delete my tumblr. its still too useful for when i need to find certain things from my past. but i wont post regularly ever again.

maybe ill do another long ramble-post if something important happens in the future.

[mysticjadegf]

My First Entry

Okay yall, so I guess this will be my first entry into my Estrogen "escapades". So far, this is like my 5th dose ever (I am on daily E and T-blockers) and there are already effects that feel amazing! One main thing I have heard about from other trans people (that I am sure there is like evidence of, for now, my source is me >:) is that the neurological effects begin to kick in much faster than the physical effects. Im already experiencing 2 major changes already

Mood changes: Idk why, but like mornings especially sucked ass pre-hrt. Like the amount of tension I would feel, like it felt like I almost always woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Little things could cause me a large amout of annoyance, and it always felt my morning had to go perfect, or else my day was off to the worst start possible. Now obviously its only been like 2-3 days since I started, but like, I feel better??? Like waking up is semi-pleasant? Like it still sucks but I don't start off the day ready to commit arson, so that's a plus

(TW: Discussion of eating habits below)

Hunger changes: Pre-HRT, my appetite was ravenous, like I couldn't go an hour or two without eating something, at a minimum grazing on some sort of snack. Like if I went 3-4 hours, its like I got stabbed in the stomach, and it would be all I can think about. (FTM trans people, you very well could begin to experience this, just a fair warning you could turn into a snack blackhole). I am def still a grazer, but its like the volume of my hunger got turned down. Like I still get hungry and want to eat, but its not like I need to consume a rotisserie chicken, so that is also a plus

#mtf trans #transgirl #transgender #transfem #tw food

[quietcaveat]

Disclaimers and whatnot.

Hi there, this is a venting and complaining discourse blog I made specifically to talk about issues related to sexuality or sex dysphoria since it kind of started stressing me out to see it on my main blog whenever I'd log on just to see something light-hearted for a laugh.

Bad-faith anons get ignored, should they crop up. I'm here to share experiences and open a dialogue or discussion because ultimately I care about finding the best possible solutions and answers for people and I only have the energy to spare for other people who also care about pursuing solutions and knowledge.

This is mostly a context post in case something isn't clear or got forgotten about.

About me & my history (as it relates to sex dysphoria):

[TLDR, I'm a 20-something adult with a history of sex dysphoria since early childhood that transitioned as a minor. As an adult I'm now medically detransitioning about 10 years later for health reasons and because my transition was unsuccessful, but have not yet decided if I will socially detransition or not.]

I'm a 20-something that has had persistent and unabated symptoms of sex dysphoria since early childhood, around 7 years old or so, which is as far back as I can remember anything at all. I was diagnosed with what was then called Gender Identity Disorder and later medically transitioned as a minor -- the very week I turned 15 was when I began HRT which I was approved for prior to turning 15. I was offered surgery while under 18 but refused several times to get doctors and parents alike to stop offering it to me, and I refused it because something felt off about doing it as a kid and so quickly after only just starting hormones. I waited and got the surgery done later as an adult and to this day am still happy that I got it done even though my results are not as great as I'd like them to be.

Now in my 20s I have discontinued medical transition due to health reasons and because my transition was unsuccessful in making me pass as an adult member of the opposite sex. My dysphoria is not as bad as it used to be before I transitioned but it is still quite bad and will never get any better in the future. Currently I'm still deciding whether to continue being social transitioned and weighing my options. The only label I definitively call myself is sex dysphoric and transitioned/post-transition since those are the only objective and unchanging truths of my situation.

I'm very familiar with the ins and outs of what it's like inside an adolescent transition clinic as an underage patient, and I'm very familiar with the details of transitioning from what hormones do to what a trans youth support group is like to how a name-change on different documents gets conducted to how insurance will refuse to cover transition surgeries unless they're labelled as medically necessary in the paperwork. My experiences are based mostly in pre-2020 USA so they may not apply to the European transition scene for example. I also like to read and follow studies and scientific findings about sex dysphoria, and I like to stay updated with current WPATH SoC and transition care procedures and models.

If anyone is ever curious about my experiences with anything I've witnessed or gone through, I'm happy to tell the stories either in a post, ask, or DM. It doesn't even have to be for or against any argument, we don't even have to agree on anything or even bring up debates at all, it can just be if you want to hear about what someone like me has been through.

Bullet list of general opinions:

Minors cannot consent, especially not to something as permanent, potentially harmful, and severe as a medical transition.

Sex dysphoria is a real condition that develops in utero and is permanent. This stems from studies and scientific evidence for which there are much better blogs than mine to find and read about, such as myragewillendworlds or gillygeewhiz.

Genders other than male and female do not exist. Intersex conditions are not new or other genders, they are disordered developmental conditions. See above recommendations for studies and scientific evidences about this.

Sex cannot be changed (as elated as I would be if such a change were possible.)

As far as I know, transition is the only way to alleviate symptoms of sex dysphoria. There is no cure and no way to get rid of it.

Transition might be the only treatment but it is not guaranteed to be effective. Until transition can have you magically grow natural, functioning organs of the opposite sex, it will never be a 100% cure and will not be effective for everybody.

Pronouns = sex (or perceived sex should it differ from sex.) They are identifiers of observations, not requests and outfits to don on a whim.

Neopronouns are harmful and ableist to sex dysphoric people (also called transphobia though I fear that word has lost its edge with its current overuse) by belittling and mocking a very serious and observable condition, equating it to 'pretending' to be something that isn't real.

Sex dysphoria is a very rare condition that affects less than 1% of the population. The majority of people claiming trans labels today are non-dysphorics that are either misdiagnosed or self-diagnosed (which is usually measurable by when and how symptoms appeared; sex dysphorics have a consistent, completely or near-completely lifelong history of symptoms.)

Affirmation care models are harmful to both sex dysphorics and non-dysphorics as it destroys spaces and resources for sex dysphorics by letting in people who do not need them and it misdiagnoses and mistreats said people with no need for dysphoric resources. Careful gatekeeping to make sure as little misdiagnoses occur as possible is important and beneficial to all parties.

Since humans can only be male or female, this also means human sexuality can either be solely same-sex attracted, solely opposite-sex attracted, both opposite- and same-sex attracted, or perhaps lack sexual attraction altogether -- homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, and asexual respectively. No other sexuality is possible.

Sex dysphoria's recognition as a condition is vital. Without it, transition care would be impossible to access for all but the wealthiest who can afford to pay for it out of pocket, since insurances don't cover cosmetic procedures.

That's all I can really think of at the moment.

[genderqueerpositivity]

CW: discussion of dysphoria, menstruation, gentials, and changes from HRT.

On the 13th, I'll be 3 months on low-dose T. An appropriate celebration for Pride month! And I am so fucking happy that I'm doing this.

So far I've only told two people in my life that I'm medically transitioning. But it is beginning to be noticable, especially the voice change. For weeks I've sounded as though I have a cold or sore throat, and I even lost my voice completely once. And I actually do have allergies, so I think that has played a part, but my voice is definitely different now.

I was very nervous at the beginning about the voice change. I hoped that it would be slow and mostly unnoticeable. It hasn't been. It started within days and now after months others are beginning to notice it. I worried that I wouldn't like this particular change and I worried because voice changes are generally not reversible by stopping HRT.

I sing, badly, while driving. Feeling my voice change over the past few months has been a wild and incredible experience. I quickly lost the higher notes that I once was able to reach, and have slowly gained a new range of lower and deeper sound that I didn't have before. I can hear the difference in my own voice now, and I can feel the difference in my throat and chest.

Last week, I had a moment where I realized that I like my voice now--my regular speaking voice and my singing voice--for probably the first time in my life. I've never liked my own voice before, have avoided or been anxious about public speaking because of it, and have always gone out of my way to avoid hearing my recorded voice; I recognize this now as the dysphoria that it was.

So last week I had this moment of recognition: this is MY voice that I'm growing into. My voice that I'm hearing, and everyone else is beginning to hear, for the first time. And so the change that I was most afraid of is the one that I'm now the most proud of.

Will I reach a point where I don't want it to go any lower or deeper? I don't know.

The other change that I was truly concerned about was facial hair. I do have new facial hair, 3 months on, but it isn't very noticable. I already had some facial hair pre-T, and what I already had has grown darker. Also, facial hair is removable when I don't want it so it isn't really that big of a deal. I also have a lot of new body hair and I actually like it. My upper arms, thighs, butt, chest, and stomach all have new hair now. I don't know if my back does or not, I just realized that I haven't checked.

The only thing I don't care for is the ingrown hairs, and I'm suddenly getting them all over the place even though I never had them pre-T. The oily skin is also still a daily part of life, I don't know if this will improve or not over time, but I've mostly adjusted to it. My skin doesn't look different, in my opinion, but it does feel different to me in a way that's hard to explain. Not drier or rougher, just different. I do sweat more now, but it's manageable. I haven't noticed any change in the way I smell, even though I've read that a lot of folks on T experience that.

Another change I've experienced is bottom growth. Bottom growth is fucking awesome, I love it. I think it's my favorite change at this point by far. It was one of the first effects of T that I noticed and I hope that it continues. It's awesome to feel positively about that area of my body for probably the first time in my life.

I don't think my dose is high enough (yet??) to stop my periods. I wish that it were. I've had one period so far while on T and it was my usual typical miserable experience. I should have started my next period by now but I'm a week late. And that wasn't unusual pre-T, so I'm not concerned about it. I've read that some guys have fewer periods on T, and with longer times between them, even if their periods don't stop entirely. And I'm looking forward to that hopefully happening.

What else? In general, I feel much better about my body. I feel less dysphoric overall. I feel less upset about having to wait for top surgery, because I'm already taking this step. I still don't "pass" as anything other than an AFAB person, but I'm doing okay with that.

Being misgendered and deadnamed still sucks, but someone else saying something about me doesn't make it true. I'll never be a she or a her or a miss. Like I guess this is what gaining confidence looks like?

Hormone therapy isn't a requirement for being trans for everyone, but it is necessary for me. And also validating--my transness is real and indisputable.

#hrt journal #hrt diary #low dose t #ftm hrt #testosterone #op #personal #dysphoria tw #menstruation tw #gentials tw

[crossdreamers]

Does gender dysphoria go away after you transition?

@RoseyOLR asks over at twitter:

So this whole dysphoria thing right: are there like people who had it bad and transitioned and now don't? Or like is it just a permanent feature?

You can read the whole thread, but here are some of the answers:

@RileyFaelan It shrinks as your transition progresses. It may go away entirely, but this doesn't happen to everybody. People get varying amounts of dysphoria from different aspects of gender, which is why it makes sense to seek your own way of transition, and focus on what most dysphores you.

@QuillaTheHun I have trouble remembering how bad my gender dysphoria used to be. I still get flashes of it sometimes though, especially now during the trans moral panic.

@LGBTQPastor Cis folks need to understand this thread. It's never a light switch.

@LisaTMullin It dropped a lot transitioning and on HRT. At about a year I just started feeling...good.. I did have genital dysphoria that was still there until my GRS.

@ellen_thalia_n My dysphoria is almost gone. I'm confident enough now. Ofc there are still male features that I'm going to adjust. Step by step.

@Charlotte_Alexx I feel like I have very little dysphoria left, especially compared to where I was a few years ago. It definitely gets better, but I wouldnt say it goes away entirely

@cassesque Mine's tied to low mood now. It's usually not there at all. I'm not sure if I call it dysphoria because that's all I know or if it's just normal body issues that most people go through.

@cassesque Mine's tied to low mood now. It's usually not there at all. I'm not sure if I call it dysphoria because that's all I know or if it's just normal body issues that most people go through.

@HyaenaMom It shifts: Nowhere near as bad as I used to be since lower surgery & HRT. As each source of dysphoria is put to rest, the next (in a diminishing list) comes to the fore. Its important to be realistic about transition goals but “realistic” was pessimistic & selling myself short.

@Rattlesire It REALLY depends. The only "dysphoria" I suffer from is my voice. I don't feel its deep enough, but I'm also not super far along in transitioning, so I'm waiting before I decide on surgical options. I've met many however who lapse into it their entire lives.

@CirqueAmy For me, it’s diminished substantially. It used to be utterly debilitating, and now, I don’t feel it much at all for most of the time. It isn’t gone completely, and I don’t expect it will ever be, but it is so much better. The lowest levels of pre-transition dysphoria are higher than nearly any dysphoria I now experience. The rare times that my dysphoria peaks nowadays, I’m still able to function, and I know that it is temporary and that I’ll soon feel better. Transition didn’t solve my problems — just one of them. And it made it so that I can work on solving the rest, instead of having the dysphoria suck all the willpower and energy out of my body and leave me curled up crying on the floor.I hope this helps!

@isomeme I'm transitioning -- social done, legal and physical in progress -- and dysphoria has reduced markedly. I still have bad days or weeks, but nothing like before I started transitioning.

@K8TBenoit I think after about 20 years being out as trans and on HRT, I've gotten used to the settings I have now.  No surgeries, but I'm okay with it.I occasionally still have moments where I'm a little jealous of cis folks, but they quickly pass.

@theInmara Mine has not gone away completely. But I am trigender with conflicting dysphorias, so it's complicated and medical science cannot provide what I need yet (or probably ever). Transition still absolutely saved my life, though.

@NameIsFun2Say Yeah I’m only 8 months in and my dysphoria is significantly less than it was. It’s not gone yet but it’s definitely trending that way

@discount_Ripley Everything just clicks now. There’s some elements of life that are still a little janky, inelegant perhaps, but that’s more because of the environment rather than a feeling within myself.

@Cleofoxx I had really bad dysphoria and I have really bad dysphoria now, but I deal with it better and the strong episodes are less common. I still hate my face and figure but i can at least recognise that it's mostly just dysphoria. Problem is i also have body dsymorphia lol.

@vote_checkbox Inside of myself I am calm and satisfiedOutside of myself I still dislike mirrors and all the other stuff I "can't do" yetThe first part makes the second part far less suffocating

@autistictic Changing my name, pronouns, and radically only wearing clothing and accessories that fit my gender identity have made a HUGE dent in my dysphoria already…I KNOW if I can medically transition as well it will be either totally gone or barely any will be left.

@jamieelisefoto3 Like others have said, a low mood can trigger it or if I'm really exhausted .But the amount of time I'm not feeling it is has grown exponentially with my transition timeline.

Read and/or contribute to the complete thread here!

#gender dysphoria #dysphoria #transgender #trans #lgbt #lgbtqa #nonbinary #gender incongruence #lgbt+ #ftm #mtf

[agirldying]

Hi, I saw your response to an ask a week or two back and in your response you included an excerpt from an exposé you were writing if I remember correctly? about how trauma impacted your gender. I thought that was interesting because I've had a very similar but almost opposite experience, so I thought I'd share. This isn't necessarily a vent since I'm at peace with myself and my journey thus far, just kinda wanted to tell you & your followers because it seems like an appropriate place to do so :) I started identifying as FtM (I don't really like to use that word for myself but I'm using it here for simplicity's sake) around when I was 12 or so, and came out publicly at 14, started HRT when I was 16. When I was 15, I started dating an 18 year old on-and-off. He was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive, and I kept going back to him because he was my first romantic relationship and I was desperate for someone to love me, as my home life was toxic and I was bullied at school/didn't have many friends. It was also not my first encounter with any of the above abuse, so I kinda thought it was normal. When I was 16, I started making more friends on tumblr and started feeling safer in social circles. I did some soul searching and eventually came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian. I told my boyfriend and broke up with him, and later started dating one of the girls I met on tumblr. A little after I turned 17, I was sent to a long-term youth mental health treatment center/rehab program for substance abuse and other issues. I was in treatment for 16 months, and I identified as a lesbian throughout all those. I was coerced off of T while I was there though I didn't really want to, as I like presenting masculinely (even pre-trauma, I was never into being feminine). My girlfriend from before I was sent away moved on, I did too. After I left rehab and went back home, I was almost 19 and I decided to go back on T. I got really close to one of my friends that I knew pre-rehab, who was a nonbinary transmasc. I was very strong in my identity until one night me and that friend spontaneously (and consensually) had sex. I stopped identifying as a lesbian and decided I was bi and gender-ambiguous. My relationship with that friend didn't last very long because neither of us were in a good place for it, but I look back on most of it fondly. It's been a year and a half since that person and I broke up, and I am turning 21 in a couple months. I now identify as FtM again and am very comfortable in my attraction to men. I'm even questioning if I'm attracted to women at all right now! Though that doesn't matter much to me at the moment. I'm a metalhead (I laughed when I read the bit about you blasting Slipknot because haha I do that when I'm driving somewhere trying to be tuff) and go to concerts quite often, and the last couple I've went to have been completely different because I'm now getting read more often as a man than not, despite being 5'1" and not binding (I'm unable to find a binder that works properly, being short and built like a barrel, and it's also just uncomfortable. wouldn't really wanna bind in a mosh pit anyways), and it is a very surreal experience to me because it's never happened before. It feels good though. Overall, it is very nice to allow myself to be myself after trauma and to see more of Me whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I'm happy that others are seeing more of Me too. And I also am at peace with my two years of being a lesbian, because even if my identity changed in direct response to sexual trauma, it was still a version of me, and it is important to me that I am able to validate and care for all versions of myself. I think my past identities were very necessary for my healing, and despite my continuous struggles with STPD, substance abuse, and other shit, I am healing every day and am feeling better about myself than ever. Sorry this got so long and almost ramble-y. Just wanted to share and say there's a light at the end of the tunnel folks. Hang in there <3

Hey anon,

Thank you for sharing your experience in how things have affected your gender identity and sexual orientation. I think we as complex human beings often change and evolve as years go by, and on top of things we experience that effect our self-perception, gender and sexual orientation can certainly change. Self-discovery is a chronic process. But I'm so glad to hear you've been healing and feeling better about yourself, that's amazing!

#text #asks #trauma #ptsd #vent #trauma vent #gender dysphoria

[floodnetworks]

hey i hope this isn't rude to ask but are you still on t? im non binary and was planning to do it temporarily but im not so sure now. would u mind talking about your experiences as an nb person on t?

yeah i am! i take a lower dose now, and i do gel now instead of injections. i started in september 2019. if you have specific questions feel free to ask, or check out my art blog on desktop and go to /tagged/t (searching on mobile/viewing blogs within the dashboard to search sucks) ive talked a lot about various parts of hrt. i could fill a literal book with my experiences as a nb person on t so its kind of a hard question. kinda long reply so ill put it under the cut

my experience has been super positive, i was extremely hesitant and unsure when i started hrt but i can’t imagine my life without it now, i’m very thankful i took the leap. a lot of my concerns were based around passing as male, since i like to have control over which gender i’m perceived as, which has made this much more possible. it is still weird being read as male by strangers and has definitely changed how i fit into the world, enduring 19 years of misogyny for being perceived as female and then suddenly flipping that specific social standing was really strange. but im more androgynous than i could ever be pre-T, i just usually get read by the cisgender public as a gnc man instead of a gnc woman. which i prefer.

transitioning, hrt specifically, also made me start being attracted to men, which was very confusing and insane at first but now its chill i like being a bisexy king. it doesn’t happen for everyone, but hrt does affect your relationship to yourself, your social standing and interactions bc of how people perceive you, and your biology, which sometimes leads to changes in your sexual/romantic preferences.

so those are the two big social things, other than that all of the changes from T have just been my body, which i’m very happy with. the only think i dislike is the extra body hair on my shins bc i was already hairy enough pre-T, but the rest of the body hair is cool (i don’t care for facial hair but i don’t mind shaving). i really love my voice now, that was the most influential change in my life for sure bc it super affects how you get read by people and it was a big source of discomfort and dysphoria for me. i also like the way my moods are on T a lot better, i have more energy and get less frustrated and cry a lot less. i also am stronger n i love that. i really love being able to exist in an androgynous body, i feel much more at home with myself, especially especially ESPECIALLY after top surgery. since hrt i feel so much better just existing and also being in public.

it is a bit odd being nonbinary and taking T and getting top surgery while not being male, but honestly every nb persons experience is unique and different and we can all transition however we want to. im super happy i decided to take hrt it really has improved my life so so much! i was so scared and unsure at first cuz i thought i might regret it and just changing ur body permanently is v scary. but it was so good! i love it!

again pls feel free to ask a specific question cuz i really can’t go over every aspect of my experience in one ask.

#t #hrt #testosterone #asks

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Croatia brings no men in a hamster wheel to Rotterdam 2021

Now could this be the teddy bear uprising invasion Muse has warned us about 12 years ago?

And LITERALLY, these review series make me feel like Croatia is openly taunting me - I watch the days go, I’m losing track of time, and when another day comes, I’m screaming “oh no I forgot to publish a review sooner than wanted!!”. Guess I’m for one glad there’s a time related song this year, hum?

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Repping the Adriatic coast nation that got all the sea instead of Bosnia & Herzegovina is some 22 year old Albina Grčić, who first popped up on X Factor Adria back when that was a thing, and got lumped into a girlgroup in later stages, but to that she said “hvala ne” and moved on with her life, getting eliminated just like that. Queen <3 She did get her second chance to compete as a soloist and make a more prominent mark on her career when she ended up on The Voice in Croatia. She did well, placing third overall in the season, but somehow, during the duel stage, her coach initially favoured her fellow Dora 2021 contestant Filip Rudan:

Her Voice success landed her a record deal with the Croatian division of Universal Music, she released a debut single, sometime later ended up on Dora, and here she is now, on Eurovision.

“Tick-Tock” is the song, a standard upbeat pop song, and one of the ones that talks about a girl leaving a terrible relationship and being so well over it that she “found [her]self and [she’s] finally free”, and the “tick-tock” here is used to represent the time passing by, not the sound of her heart, unlike a fellow ESC entry of a similar title. The tune (or its lyrics only) is co-authored by some dude you might’ve heard of from France’s 2018 preselection Destination Eurovision, and that is Max Cinnamon - some half-English guy with a half English song about love (”Ailleurs”) that did moderately averagely in the final... I don’t even know if his influence shows, I just love how 2021 has sort of become revenge of the NF flops but they’re writing other entries instead (Suzi P, “Adrenalina”).

REVIEW

I often don’t really fully vibe with female bops in Eurovision as much as I want to, like, for the most part they’re overhyped, and I let the “yass queeeeen” audience gorge on the everything their favourite bops give them. But this year there are plenty of great ones to choose from, as I think that it’s safe to say that most, if not all, are tucked in somewhere inside my top 20, top 25 at the very minimum. Croatia managed to even do the impossible and land into my top 10.

Why?

Well, the answer is that the song is just so damn good.

I mean, what’s NOT to like about it? It’s a catchy and upbeat song that incorporates xylophones (or whatever is it that sounds like them), guitars and synths; has a good bassline in the chorus; and it’s just... a very good composition overall, like, all the instruments in it are just in their right place and uplift the song massively. I also like Albina’s performance on it, both live and studio, it clearly shows that she’s a very good singer (also shown on her cover of the scandalous Oscar award snubbery “Husavik”). Sounds like a song a common pop loving Eurofan could gear themselves towards. Besides, it also has possibly my favourite pre-chorus section of the 2021 year? Oh wait, there’s also Switzerland, scratch that. “Tick-Tock” has one of my favourite pre-chorus sections of 2021. It builds up so well instrumentally and the way Albina sings it is even better. I obviously like to believe Albina heard those voices from far away that helped her to escape, has found herself, and she’s finally free from her “partner’s” bad lovin’ and restraint. Yas queen go be free you didn’t deserve his tomfoolery anyway!  👏 (Also I admire a section that’s not quite the pre-chorus but is still before the 1st chorus, the one that goes “If you pull me down then I'll come around” - literally just a lot of the parts of the song are full of nice vocal performance and I don’t regret ranking this in my top 10 not a second.)

If it has any drawbacks, it’s just that it gets a tad too repetitive after the halfway mark... like, the pre-chorus before the second chorus is the one to be repeated once again, and no new verse, nothing - but it does launch itself into something extraordinary, and that is a chorus in Croatian, which I assume she would perform in Eurovision because there’s no Eurovision version on the song promo bundle, I suppose. Comparatively the Croatian chorus is not as complex in lyrics as the English language one, and flows slightly differently too. But the song still has a long chorus by the end, and song with too many choruses is never a good sign for those that look for a song that’s constructed well, but I guess it’s a good factor for those that value the song’s catchiness. I guess that’s what one of the two Eurovision 2005 hosts valued the most when writing the Ukrainian 2006 entry “Show Me Your Love”, which if you ask me, is straight up 75% chorus, lol.

So yeah my verdict is that almost everything about this song, I like. I’m just a little devastated that in a usually very easily gorged on category of female bops, this just tends to lag behind in love, like a fellow song I really like this year, Israel. Instead people tend to prioritize Cyprus (which I get because they’ve established themselves as a girlbanger nation since Fuego swept Eurovision) and... probably even Azerbaijan? (which I might also get because Eurovision rarely has this thing called an ethnobop anymore, and it has more ethno than “Cleopatra” did, but still unnecessarily underwhelming lol.) Well then, in a year of female bangers, I would just like Croatia to not be swept under the rug come semis I guess. Yeah “Tick-Tock” may not sound like it brings something totally never seen before in a Eurovision environment (foreign language lyrics, themes about a break up, hell even her dancers looked like they were wearing the same hats as Tamta’s dancers), but you got to have a lot in you to sell a worn out idea to the new heights, and Albina does exactly that in my eyes.

Approval factor: Yeah! There is a lot of it in here for me. Follow-up factor: A great follow-up, not so great in regards to panini but musically it’s just going up and up from what we had in the past few years. I’ve actually not minded “The Dream” for the most part but I knew it was a chanceless plodding ballad and Roko harboured heaps of wasted potential working with Jacques Houdek and having wings as part of his performance, uff. *_* And then there’s “Divlji vjetre” which I also like a lot - a much better male ballad winner choice! If the Dora re-up winners keep being decent imo just like this, I have a feeling I will follow it a lot more often than I did just this one time this year. I am just saying that panini-wise, it was a sucky move from HRT for not allowing their last year’s winner promote his new song with Tijana (from Serbia 2017) on the Dora night, so we sadly only heard a pre-recorded opening version of “Divlji vjetre” to start off with :( Otherwise I think it’s not Dora’s fault in itself that Damir himself chose not to even submit an entry this year because he hadn’t found a good one - much like with Diodato for Sanremo (he was NOT rejected, if you think he still was, shush). But aside that, musically, it just keeps going up for me. Well done Croatia, for you’ve used to be a Eurovision country I don’t necessarily care about, that you brought two pretty damn good entries in a row. Qualification factor: I can absolutely trust in Albina bringing in a little bit of her charisma and well-likedness, and on top of that, a great vocal performance, in Rotterdam. Don’t ask me why, I just do. She doesn’t really perform her song live on pre-parties as much as I’d like to hope she would, but you heard girlie on the national selection, she didn’t win for nothing. Yeah yeah there might as well be female uptempo songs hungrier for the last spot, but I’d like to think Albina is one of the ones ready to devour than to be devoured. Go girl! Take us all dancing!

NF CORNER

To be honest with you, “Tick-Tock” winning Dora caught me by surprise. Ever since its re-up, the last two editions were kind of won by male ballads, and maaaaybe the dancey females were doing moderately well enough for themselves, but not overall? But look, juries were very keen on Albina, probably because she can SANG and she creates one hell of a fancy presence on her performance. And somehow she ended up snatching a win out of the hands of 5G conspiracy theorist 2016 representative Nina Kraljić, who was at first too drunk to care, but too unexpectedly sober to yell all over the soc. media how she was robbed and how the contest was rigged against her with her being on first and all that. Which is a shame that she is one of THOSE people, because her NF entry “Rijeka” is kinda nice? We did have the Balkan-esque ballads coming from Croatia in recent memory, but we haven’t had a truly proudly folksy one at that from Croatia for a long while, if not ever. Nina could’ve very well brought that to Rotterdam (and another mismatched wardrobe choice oops). But instead she was the one screaming “oh no, oh no, oh no”.

Actually I regarded Nina as one of my faves pre-show, and Albina was on her way, though she didn’t really cement the personal fav status until after all performances, thus making Nina and Albina switch spots for me. But truly, the one song that was my top favourite, iiiiiiiiiiis

GIMME AN OCEAN! OF LOVE!

2021 made me realize that damn, maybe anything that’s funky is my favourite music genre afterall. Up until then I vibed with entries like “Tonight Again” and “What’s the Pressure?” that had this sort of energetic flair and very rhythmic kinda sound to it, but 2021 just simply cemented it to me that my music world has probably been about nice and smooth and funky all along. I owe so much gratitude to ToMa first and foremost along the lines of more to have come in this year’s lineups - I just can’t not want to dance to “Ocean of Love”, and ToMa is quite alright at selling it live as well. There are small gripes with some instrument usages but that doesn’t detract from the fact that I love love LOVE funky guitar tunes.

Aside from that, I can give shout outs to Beta Sudar, whose song not only was underrated, but also had an underrated meme format throughout its performance:

My other props go to Bernarda, who not only competed in a national selection singing a song about seeing “Colors” while blind (and ironically there was a song called “Blind” in that same NF sung by a well-seeing guy!!), but also for finally putting this every country’s reject to rest. Seriously. That particular song was passed on to everyone in need of a competitive Eurovision bop, from Poli Genova to Helena Paparizou as of recently. Oh well, at least the song died a honourable death - well performed slice of good typical Eurovision pop (maybe even overperformed a little towards the end), that got a good rank with the regional juries, but somewhat murdered in televote, fellow Boris Milanov composition “Chameleon” style.

This one Mia Negovetić chick was promising too! Her song was written by the Debs and you might be tired of them trying to continue infiltrating Eurovision at this point, but a lot of their Eurovision songs are usually something I enjoy, “She’s Like a Dream” is no exception. Nothing but 3 minutes of pastel-dressed Croatian Ariana Grande doing what she does best <3

Oh and also some dudes tried to play chess on stage too I guess. But their song is not worth looking into, because one of the acts on it is apparently also a conspiracist, and maybe because oft this their entry is aptly titled “Sing, for the freedom has arrived!” lol I wonder what exactly is the kind of freedom you’re thinking of my guy

Was this the “better mood game” Laura was warning everyone about? Beats me

NF CORNER (NON-COMPETITIVE)

• It’s still hilarious to me as to how one of the acts this year, Brigita Vuco, was planning to bring in backing dancers, only for them to show a fake COVID test or something and outright BARRED from coming with her on stage. <3 Whatever she intended to do with them dancers, I have absolutely no idea, but at least she committed to her song being about drunken nights visually by having all these blurry shots

• Nina Kraljić’s greenroom shenanigans, from the “1-2-3, 1-2-3, drink” to numb the sadness over some results (and the 8 she got from the region Rijeka for the song “Rijeka” lmao), to whatever she saw on the phone that made her smile or go neutral

• Greenroom reactions in general. I swear, this year had cameramen in every single corner everywhere just to make sure something covers up for a human audience instead of severals of Zoom screens permitted to act as an audience. Random people in greenrooms were doing some sort of emotions after random acts, and also randomly they ended up pointing a camera towards an act that lost, but the act didn’t treat losing as if it were such a big deal <3

• All the other memes the Croatian Twitter might’ve noticed me for:

seriously Bernarda was locked in a bluelight mathematical dice contraption. how fucking cool is that

ANY LAST WORDS?

I just fucking hope that Albina shatters any doubts that people have had about her song come rehearsals, and somehow Croatia AND Israel slip through, because never too many female bangers I appreciate in the final, if they all are the bangers I appreciate, lol.

#eurovision #eurovision 2021 #rotterdam 2021 reviews #croatia #Albina Grčić #albina #tick-tock

[shark-feeder-archive-dont-follow]

I think the hardest part for me now is trying to adjust to becoming seen and known as a fat guy by more than just my partner. It's one thing to be fat but still able to mostly hide it under clothes, but if I gain as much as I want to I won't be able to do that anymore, and its really stressful and scary trying to make that jump. Pre-T me was always that awkward size where I was too small for plus size fashion but too big for regular stores and I always wished I could shop at the plus size stores bc the dresses were so pretty, but now that I wear men's clothing plus size stores are suuuuper Hetero(tm) and boring and it sucks not being able to find nice clothes easily! It makes it so much harder to feel good about myself now that I can't just throw on a sexy outfit to make myself feel better :( I'm almost too big to shop at places like H&M now and I'm sort of debating if I should just keep shopping there even if things start to be a bit more figure hugging bc I'm so desperate for nice clothes that make me feel good. It's just so hard to unlearn the fear of being seen as fat publicly, let alone to intentionally wear something that doesn't hide my body or who I am (it almost makes me wish i had a humiliation kink just so I'd be more ok with it 😩). Transitioning gender-wise seems way more straightforward than trying to transition from being a little bit above average weight to obese or morbidly obese (I'm technically obese already but I'm just shy of 6ft so I only look kinda overweight 😣) I wish there was like, a list of steps on how to do it and what to expect like there is for starting HRT and all the social transitioning, y'know? -🍓

oh i feel you with men’s clothing being boring af, like tbh even men’s straight size clothing is So Boring and then being like an XL or bigger makes it that much harder to find anything fruity that isn’t hella expensive. im also a trans guy and like i found it easier mentally to be okay with being a chubby guy rather than being a chubby girl bc there is less social pressure there. like obvi its difficult to be fat in society regardless of gender but for me accepting myself as a chubby guy was easier than accepting myself as a chubby girl. i think a big part of accepting yourself as fat is unlearning the social stigmas and understanding that being fat is perfectly okay and that other people’s opinions don’t matter as long as youre happy with yourself. but also that is way easier said than done! 

i found this http://www.thegoodandplenty.com/2017/09/06/how-to-love-yourself-for-real-when-youre-fat/ and it seems like a good place to start with learning to be okay with stuff and idk if its exactly what youre looking for but hope it helps! also feel free to dm me and we can talk more about this stuff bc we have a lot in common lmfao and i respond faster to dms!

#asks #🍓 anon #also if you wanna keep sending asks that is chill too!

[here4theheartbreak]

Found My Place Ch.6 - Coming Clean (Final)

AO3 Link Here!

Relationships: main YoonJin, side VMin (mentioned) Rating: Explicit

Genres: angst, smut Tags: idol AU (canonverse), transgender character, transgender Seokjin, FTM Seokjin, transphobia, pre-debut, misgendering, bisexual Yoongi, supportive Yoongi, discussion of gender confirming surgeries and HRT, virgin Seokjin, sex anxiety, first time, vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, generic and scientific terms for female bodied genitals, squirting, barebacking, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, angst with a happy ending

Summary: Jin has a secret that could ruin BTS before they even had a chance to debut. To make matters worse (and better) Yoongi is determined to pursue him to the ends of the earth. Is balancing his secrets and his life possible, or will it all come toppling down around him?

Chapter Word Count: ~5k

**************************************

Jin groaned annoyedly. “Turn off the alarm,” he mumbled. “’S not my alarm,” Yoongi grumbled. He smacked at his phone. “Namjoonie, what’s up?” He rasped, his voice thick with sleep. Jin blinked open his eyes and looked down at Yoongi still on his chest.

“St—No, Namjoon, stop shouting, I can barely understand you.”

The urgency in Yoongi’s voice shook the last bit of sleep away from Jin’s brain. He scowled down, nudging Yoongi.

‘What?’ He mouthed. Yoongi shook his head.

“Let me put you on speaker, Jin-hyung is awake too.” Yoongi hit the button on his phone.

“Jin-hyung?” Namjoon’s tone was sharp and edged.

“I’m here, Namjoon. What’s wrong?”

“The viewers… Of the debut stage. They noticed something. Our boss called us all into the office to have a discussion. He sounded furious.”

Jin’s entire body went cold. “Wh—What did they notice?” He tried to keep his voice measured despite the nausea rolling his stomach.

“Something about you, Jin-hyung.”

“We’ll be there shortly. We’ll call the manger.”

“I have him already heading toward you,” Namjoon said. “He should be there in about ten minutes to take you to the office. We’ll meet you there.”

“Is it everyone?” Jin worried.

“He said just me and you, but the others insisted, so they’ll be there but he’ll probably talk to us and then the others… Do you know what they noticed, hyung?”

“I have an idea,” Jin admitted. He could feel Yoongi staring at him.

“What is it?”

“I don’t want to say until I’m sure. We’ll see you there.” Jin hung up and sat up, putting his head in his hands.

“Hyung…” Yoongi touched his shoulder. “Talk to me.”

“What if they know?” Jin whispered. “My scars… My pants fell during the performance, I had my boxers but… What if?”

“Do you think that’s what it might be?”

“It’s all I can think of that would require a group meeting instead of our boss just chewing me out.”

“I’m with you, Jin-hyung.” Yoongi grabbed his hand and kissed it. “Even if it is, I’m on your side. No matter what.”

Jin sighed softly and smiled weakly at Yoongi, leaning on his shoulder. “You’re too good to me.”

“I care for you… Come on, we should get dressed.”

Jin nodded and rose, groaning. “Wow, I’m so sore.”

Yoongi chuckled. “My bad.”

“I’m so glad we don’t have practice today,” Jin said, laughing a little as he dressed.

“Right? I was the top and my hips are aching.” Yoongi pulled on his clothes and haphazardly packed his backpack.

“Ready?”

Jin nodded, raking his fingers through his hair to flatten it and slinging his bag over his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around Yoongi’s middle, kissing him deeply.

“After the meeting,” Yoongi murmured, “breakfast? I’d planned on ordering us breakfast anyway but Namjoon’s call kinda wrecked that.”

“Sure, depending on how it goes.”

Yoongi nodded, peeking out the door at the soft knock. He bowed to their manager, stepping out with Jin.

The group sat in the hallway of the office, looking varying levels of concerned when Jin and Yoongi arrived. Hoseok stood up, blocking their path. “What’s going on?”

“We don’t know,” Yoongi said. “We got a call from Namjoon, we know as much as you guys do, I’m sure.”

“He said something with Jin-hyung,” Jungkook said softly. “Is there something wrong?”

Jin shrugged. “I wish I knew, Jungkookie. I’m sorry.”

Namjoon poked his head out of the office. “Jin-hyung. Come on, we’re waiting.”

Jin dropped his bag beside Jungkook and headed in. When Yoongi tried to follow, Namjoon put up a hand. “He says just Jin-hyung.”

“Not going to happen,” Yoongi said firmly. “No disrespect to you, Namjoon. But if this is what Jin-hyung thinks… I’m not leaving him in there with you two alone.”

Namjoon pulled back, confusion coloring his features. “Wh—”

“Let him come in, Namjoon. It’s fine,” Bang said. Namjoon glanced back but nodded, stepping aside to let Yoongi in. He shut the door behind them. Jin stood between the chairs, his hands folded behind him.

“You seem like you know the problem already, Seokjin,” Bang said, his hands clasped on his desk as he spoke.

“I have an inkling.”

“This was something we worried may happen. Now we have to handle it.”

“With all due respect… My contract,” Jin said. “Why is Namjoonie in here?”

Bang sighed. “We tried to keep it from them for their own ease of mind. But I worry that with fans asking questions… They may stumble onto it and have a harder time understanding.”

Jin nodded.

Namjoon pushed forward. “What the hell is going on? What were you keeping from me?” He turned on Jin. “What did the fans see?”

Jin swallowed hard, his heart clenching. He felt like he was near passing out. Telling Yoongi was one thing, but outing himself to the entire group… He glanced at Bang, who nodded.

“Sit down,” Jin whispered. “You’ll want to… To hear…”

Namjoon obeyed, taking a seat. Jin took a deep breath, sitting in the chair next to him.

“I have a secret. One that… The company didn’t want out. For their protection, mine, and yours. And Bangtan’s success… But it seems like we weren’t good enough at hiding it.”

“What secret, Jin-hyung?”

“I…” Jin’s throat closed, fear silencing him. He took a shuddering breath. “I’m transgender.”

“You’re what?” Namjoon asked.

“I—I’m a transgender guy. I wasn’t… Born with a male body.”

“What?” Namjoon’s tone was sharp this time, not in misunderstanding, but anger. Jin flinched when Namjoon shot out of his seat. “Why wasn’t I informed of this?” He spat.

“We didn’t want it to affect the group,” Jin whispered.

“D—You’re a girl living in a dorm of men! How would it not affect the group!?”

“He’s not a girl!” Yoongi spat. Jin looked up in time to see Yoongi step in front of him, bumping Namjoon with his chest. “You can be angry but you will not treat him as less than what he is.”

“You knew?” Namjoon asked.

“I found out before he and I started dating. I’ve known. He almost lost his position in the group because of me finding out. He willingly offered to leave to keep the group safe.”

Namjoon’s jaw twitched. He glanced at Jin over Yoongi’s shoulder. Jin looked away, his face hot. Tears burned in the back of his nose.

“Don’t,” Yoongi growled. “Don’t push me right now, Namjoon. Watch what you say.”

“The fans know?” Namjoon asked, looking to Bang. He nodded.

“They’re thinking it. During the shirt lift in Bulletproof. We kept him in the back, hoping it wouldn’t be noticed.”

“The scars,” Namjoon said, seeming to make the connection.

“Top surgery,” Jin whispered.

“That means—You weren’t even… All the times you wouldn’t change in front of us. You were hiding it.”

“I still had a chest, yes. The surgery corrected that.”

“And the rest of you?”

“That’s not your business,” Yoongi snapped.

“Why not?”

“How does him having a dick affect his place in the group? Huh? Are we gonna take our cocks out on stage?” Yoongi snarled. “He’s got a male chest now. He has a male face and body. Hell, he’s got a better body than most of us. What’s in his boxers is nobody’s business but his own!”

“Yoongi,” Jin pleaded. “Stop—”

“No, I won’t stop. I promised you I’d stand by you. I figured some of the members would have issues with it. I’m not naiive, I know how we all grew up. I expected there to be argument when he came out. But not from you, Namjoon. You, of all of us. Are the smartest one. The one who’s most well studied, who has the most open mind about sexuality and gender and – Of all the members I expected to be standing here shouting at…” Yoongi shook his head. “I’m disappointed in you. You’re our leader. You’re supposed to have our backs.”

“He hid this.”

“He had to,” Yoongi growled. “We might never have been able to debut if he hadn’t. Up until an hour ago, he was Jin-hyung to you. He cooks your food, he takes care of Jungkook. He makes all of us laugh, he’s our rock when we’re lost. He’s been the glue holding us together for years. And you’re going to throw all of that away just because his body is different? Barely different? In a way that doesn’t matter? Really?”

Namjoon’s expression softened as Yoongi spoke. He looked at Jin again. Jin looked away, wiping the tears on his cheeks that spilled over during Yoongi’s words.

“Hyung—”

“Just Jin,” Jin whispered, ashamed. “I’m won’t make you call me that.” Jin took a steadying breath. He looked at Bang. “What do I need to do?”

“What do you think you should do, Seokjin?”

“I don’t want to quit. But if my body – If what I am will cause a problem with the group, I don’t want to risk Bangtan. If I need to go… Can we make something up? That won’t cause a scandal?”

“We could try.”

“What’s in the best interest of the group? I’m barely useful, Jimin could easily re-record my lines for live performances. The dances – I’m far enough in the back it would be just a minor adjustment if it comes down to it.”

“You’re talking about quitting?” Namjoon asked.

“I got to debut with you guys,” Jin said softly. “It was all I wanted. Right now, I—I’m afraid with your response… The others won’t react well either. I’ll cause a rift in the group. I can’t do that to you guys. You’re my family. If it would be accepted better, then maybe we could spin it, a surgery, something, nothing major, easy to cover. I just… The group comes first, even if I’m not in it. I don’t want to leave, I’ll do whatever I have to to stay, but I also won’t hurt the others for selfish gain.”

“You can always work harder,” Bang suggested. “Re-debut as a solo artist. Maybe an actor with the company.”

“I wouldn’t be fired?”

Bang shook his head. “I’ve put way too much money into you to fire you. We’d figure something out.”

Jin nodded. “I’ll leave it up to you, ultimately, sir. Please let me know your decision whenever. I can stay in the office building until then.”

“You won’t come home?” Yoongi asked. Jin glanced at Namjoon, who’d sunk back into the chair and was hunched over.

“It’s probably best not to. I should tell the others, shouldn’t I? Let them hear what I am?”

Yoongi stared at Jin. Jin could see his eyes shining, and knew he was trying not to cry.

“You knew this might happen, Yoongi.”

“I wanted to believe in the best outcome.”

Bang stood, nodding. “Let me think for a while on what should happen. There’s a lot to consider. You don’t have to stay in the office, it’s your day off, you can go do what you wish. I’ll call you back when I’m ready.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going with him,” Yoongi said.

“Of course, no need to stay around.”

“The others—” Jin began. Bang shook his head. “I’ll tell them. No need for you to go through that four more times.”

“No,” Namjoon said softly. He rose and went to Jin. Yoongi tensed visibly, but Jin remained still. Namjoon looked Jin up and down for a moment before bowing a full ninety degrees.

“I’m sorry, Jin-hyung. Please accept my sincerest apologies… I was out of line.”

“What?”

Namjoon sighed as he straightened up. “Yoongi-hyung was right. About everything. I reacted irrationally and against the values I claim to have. You’re Bangtan’s eldest. You’ve taken care of us for a long time. The maknaes – They adore you. And the rappers, you’re a huge support to all of us, me especially. You make Yoongi-hyung so happy. My response came from a place of ignorance and outdated thinking. It’s different. And it is something I will need to work on understanding… But I want to.”

“You— You mean…”

“I mean that I don’t want you to quit. I don’t want to lose you, hyung. You’re a part of this group.” He looked to Bang, bowing as well. “My apologies for acting in a manner unlike the leader position you gave me. If my opinion on this matter has any weight, I would like you to consider a story, to protect Jin-hyung and allow him to remain an active part of our group.”

Bang nodded. “Thank you for your input, Namjoon. I will consider it. Would you like to stand by Seokjin then, to discuss with the rest of the group?”

“Yes… If… Jin-hyung will have me?” He asked softly, looking at Jin. Jin smiled softly and nodded.

“I’ll have you, Namjoonie. You’re my friend.”

“Even after…”

“Of course. Water under the bridge.”

Namjoon smiled softly, his shoulders sagging. “Thank you.”

“The others…” Yoongi began.

“I know. It’ll take time for them to adjust. Easier just to get it out of the way, let them learn the truth… Give their own input on the situation.”

“Let’s gather them in the artist’s reception room,” Namjoon suggested. “That’s where we’ll be.”

Bang nodded. “Go on then.”

The three filed out. Jin grabbed his backpack, smiling when Yoongi grabbed his hand and squeezed. “I won’t leave your side,” he said softly, ignoring the rush of voices from the remaining members.

“I know you won’t.”

The group gathered around the table all looking between one another.

“So, what’s so serious?” Hoseok asked.

Jin stood at the head of the table. Namjoon was sitting next to him, Yoongi on the other side. He took a deep breath. “I have something that I have been hiding from all of you. It was a decision made originally to not only protect myself, but also the group as a whole. To make sure we were able to debut without scandal. However… Things didn’t go as planned. And there may be some changes required, or some… Intricate stretching of the truth. But because of it, our boss, and myself… We don’t believe it’s in the best interest to continue hiding the truth from you as a group.”

“What’s going on, hyung?” Jimin asked softly.

“I’m… Not exactly the person you all know me as. I mean, I am. But there’s more to me. I—I’m transgender. I was born with a different name and gender marker on my identification papers than I have now. The surgery that I got several months back... It was a gender conforming surgery. To reform my chest. The fans have noticed the scars and began asking questions. Our boss is currently deciding how to proceed.”

Jin lowered his head. He gritted his teeth, the silence in the room deafening. “I’m so sorry I hid this from you all. I wanted to keep you safe.”

The loud clatter of a chair shattered the silence. Jin looked up. Hoseok was standing, his jaw twitching in silent fury.

“Hobi—”

Hoseok turned and stormed out of the break room, slamming the door hard. Jin flinched at the noise, turning.

“I’ll go after him,” Namjoon said, rising. He squeezed Jin’s wrist. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Thank you,” Jin whispered.

He turned back, ready to apologize, or be confronted with the fury he’d seen in Hoseok’s gaze once more. Jungkook was on his feet, heading toward Jin. Jin tensed, his heart shattering at the thought of Jungkook hating him. He was expecting a punch, a slap, something. What he didn’t expect was Jungkook flinging himself into his arms, burying his face in Jin’s neck.

“Wh—Jungkookie—”

“I’ve known for weeks, hyung,” Jungkook whispered. “I’m sorry you had to come out this way… But I’m proud of you. I love you.”

“You’ve known?” Jin asked, pushing Jungkook back and holding his shoulders. “How?”

“Your scars. They seemed strange with the story you told. So I did research and learned that’s what it might be. Then I kinda…” Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck. “I snooped in your stuff, I’m so sorry. I know I shouldn’t have.”

“What did you find?” Jin asked.

“Your medicine. It just confirmed it. I didn’t say anything to anyone. I figured you’d come out when you were ready.”

Jin sighed. “You shouldn’t snoop.”

“Do you hate me?” Jungkook asked timidly. Jin smiled helplessly and tousled Jungkook’s hair, pulling him into another hug.

“Never. Thank you for supporting me, littlest.”

“Always, you’re my hyung. I love you.”

Jin glanced at Jimin and Taehyung, still seated silently at the table. Jimin was scowling, his hands planted on the white surface. Taehyung’s brows were furrowed, looking like he was concentrating on something quite intensely. When Jungkook pulled away, he looked over.

“You spent the night with Yoongi-hyung last night.”

“Yeah…” Jin hesitated, glancing at Yoongi, who shrugged.

“It was the first time you two spent the night alone since you started dating.”

Jin shifted, not liking where the conversation seemed to be heading. “Yeah…”

“Were you a virgin?” Taehyung asked in a stage whisper. “Tae—” Jin choked, his cheeks burning. Taehyung grinned.

“You were… Was he good?”

Yoongi spluttered next to Jin, and Jin bit back the laugh that threatened to come out.

“I don’t kiss and tell… What does this have to do with what I just told you all?”

“Nothing at all,” Taehyung shrugged. “I don’t care if you’re trans. You’re Jin-hyung. We don’t have to start calling you anything different, right?”

“No, of course not. I use male terms.”

“Then why does it matter?”

“Why does it matter?” Jimin snapped, looking up at Taehyung. “We were lied to! For years!”

Taehyung deflated a little at Jimin’s tone. His lips puffed out in a pout. “No, we weren’t.”

“How do you explain us not knowing then?”

Taehyung shrugged. “Do you know how long Hobi-hyung’s penis is?”

Jimin pulled back, clearly surprised by the question. “What? What does that matter? Of course not.”

“Do you know if Jungkookie has foreskin?”

“Excuse me,” Jungkook stammered.

“Gross, no, I don’t look!”

“So… How would we know if Jin-hyung has a penis?”

“Because he hid it! We didn’t know until now!”

“That’s my point,” Taehyung said simply. “If you don’t care about Jungkookie’s penis, or Hobi-hyung’s, or anyone else’s in the group… Why does Jin-hyung’s matter so much?”

Jimin opened his mouth to respond, then hesitated. His defensive posture sank a little. “Oh… I didn’t think of that.”

Taehyung shrugged. “I get it’s different. I don’t know how I feel about it, but he’s always been Jin-hyung to me. I’ve never really thought about what he looks like with his pants off. I feel like the only reason that should matter is if we’re his doctors. Or… Having sex with him.” He looked to Yoongi. “Did you know before…”

“Yes,” Yoongi nodded. “We talked about it before we even started dating.”

“Which is good. Seems responsible. I mean it’s different, but I don’t get why we should treat him any different knowing this. He was Jin-hyung all this time, so it wasn’t like he changed names and stuff in the middle of training.”

Jimin frowned in thought, his lips thinning.

“I know it’s a lot,” Jin said softly. “I get that not everyone is okay with it. That’s why I didn’t say anything. Hiding it… It made sense to keep the peace in the group. I understand if you can’t accept it, Jimin.”

“What’s different?” Jimin asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Now that we know, what’s gonna be different? Or has been?”

“Nothing, really,” Jin said. “I won’t have to sneak around, or try to hide my medicine or scars. But I’ll still shower alone or with Yoongi, change in private. Those are my own choices, not hiding – I just get a gross feeling with my body, so it’s my preference to do that stuff alone.”

“So… You’re still just Jin-hyung? Still cooking us dinner and helping Jungkook with homework and everything?”

“Yeah. Just because I’m not hiding what I am doesn’t mean I’ll change. I am this person, I always have been. Now you guys just know my past as well.”

“I’m not entirely comfortable with it… But if things aren’t changing, I guess I don’t have to be uncomfortable with it either. I just don’t have to think about it, right?”

“Not if you don’t want to. But if you have questions… You can always ask me.”

Yoongi rose. He pressed a kiss to Jin’s cheek. “Are you okay here?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“I’m gonna go see about Namjoon and Hobi.”

Jin nodded.

“Want me to come?” Jungkook offered. Yoongi nodded.

“Couldn’t hurt.” Yoongi kissed Jin’s mouth before he and Jungkook headed out.

“I have a question, actually,” Jimin began slowly. “But I don’t want you to get mad.”

“I won’t.” Jin sat down. “What’s up?”

“You… Have… Uh… Not a dick.”

Jin chuckled. “Right. The stuff in my pants is still what I was born with.”

“So when you and Yoongi-hyung have sex… What if he gets you… Can he get you pregnant? If the condom breaks or something?”

Jin laughed and shook his head. “No, no. I had surgery when I was pretty young, all of those organs and stuff, gone. So there’s no chance of that, there’s no need for condoms or anything. Totally safe.”

Jimin nodded. “Okay.”

“That would’ve been really awkward,” Taehyung admitted. Jin chuckled.

“Right? I feel like our boss might have had more than a few choice words for me if our group mate had gotten me pregnant.”

“Is it weird? Living with a bunch of … You know, normal guys?” Jimin asked. Taehyung hissed, kicking him.

“You can’t say normal, Jin-hyung is a normal guy.”

“I get it, it’s okay,” Jin said. “No, though.” He shrugged. “In my heart, I know who I am. What I am. I’m a guy. So, it’s not weird being around other guys. It can get scary, having the fear that they’ll find out. Yoongi—He found out because he spied on me. It was probably the scariest moment of my time as a trainee.”

“What did you do?”

“I freaked,” Jin admitted. “But he was so patient and kind. He supported me through my surgery. I don’t think I would be near as successful as I feel right now if I hadn’t had him. I wanted to tell you all, but I was scared of what you’d all say, how you’d react. And our boss… He didn’t want it to be a problem.”

“I mean Hobi-hyung—” Taehyung said.

“Yeah. I expected a lot more of that from everyone, actually. Namjoon wasn’t too happy either.”

Jimin rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry I got mad.”

“Don’t be. It’s different and it’s weird. I know I’m a lot. This is a lot. But I wanted the air clear before the decision was made.”

“Decision?” Jimin asked.

Jin nodded. “Our boss. The thing the fans saw were my surgery scars. It got them digging, and there are questions about what it is… What I am. I might have to leave the group.”

“What?” Why?” Taehyung shot up. “You can’t leave.”

“It’s not my call.”

“It should be! It should be all of our call. You’re a member of our group. We trained together, we debuted!” Taehyung shook his head. “No, I’m going to talk to him.”

“Tae—” Jimin rose, grabbing Tae’s wrist before he could go. “That won’t help.”

“It might.” Taehyung tugged his hand free of Jimin’s grip. “We can’t let him just choose to kick Jin-hyung out.”

“And we won’t. We’ll stick by him. You and me and Namjoon-hyung and Yoongi-hyung… Jungkookie and hopefully even Hobi-hyung. But getting mad and screaming at our boss will just make things worse.”

“He’s right, Tae. Thank you for the support, but he is right.”

“When will we know?” Jimin asked softly.

“Don’t know.”

The door opened and the four others entered. Hoseok was still scowling, and Jungkook’s eyes were red rimmed. Namjoon’s expression was measured, and Yoongi looked furious. Jin rose, going to Jungkook first. “Are you okay?” He worried, grabbing his shoulders. “Are you hurt?”

Jungkook smiled, his eyes wet. “Hyung—” He hugged him tight once more. Jin hesitated, confused, but hugged back. He met Namjoon’s gaze, questioning.

Namjoon’s jaw twitched. “Hoseok.”

Hoseok lowered his gaze, looking a little more timid than when he’d entered. “I’m sorry for leaving.”

“What did you say to Jungkook?” Jin scolded halfheartedly.

“I was cruel. I should have thought my words through.”

“It’s not his fault that I’m this way, Hoseok.”

“I know. It’s nobodies. It’s weird to me, Jin-h— Hyung.”

Jin nodded, still hugging Jungkook.

“But,” Yoongi pressed, crossing his arms.

Hoseok sighed. “But, they all made good points. Even though it’s weird… We’re a group. We’re a family. You’re a huge part of that. And abandoning you because I don’t understand or don’t agree isn’t fair to anyone else. Bangtan is my life and I can’t just walk out on family. So… I’m sorry. I don’t… Know if I’ll ever be fully comfortable with it. But… I will do my best. For the group. We can’t be Bangtan if we aren’t seven.”

“That’s all I ask. I can keep my distance, I won’t push. I don’t need to be your best friend or even accepted. I just want everyone calm and peaceful.”

Hoseok nodded. “Me too. I think that’s a good starting ground.”

“Good,” Namjoon said. He touched Jungkook’s shoulder. “Now that we’re all on the same page, I hope,” he glanced at Jimin and Taehyung who both nodded. “I’m going to go talk to our boss.”

“I’m coming too,” Yoongi said.

“No, you aren’t. I’m the leader of this group and I’m going to discuss the future of Bangtan. We aren’t losing Jin-hyung. He’s our eldest and he’s vital to the group, same as everyone else. Public Relations will have to figure out some story. We’ll go with whatever they come up with, but we will not let Jin-hyung leave us. Right?”

Namjoon held his hand out, looking at everyone. Yoongi placed his hand atop it, nodding. “Right.”

Jungkook reached out, adding his hand, and Taehyung and Jimin added theirs. Hoseok nodded, adding his own to the group. Namjoon looked at Jin.

“We have your back. We are on your side.”

Jin reached out, adding his hand to the pile. Namjoon led the cheer that had become all too familiar to them, and Jin felt his heart clench. Namjoon stepped out of the room, on his way to Bang’s office once more.

Jin met Hoseok’s gaze and nodded. Hoseok smiled softly, nodding in return. “You’re still Jin-hyung,” he said, speaking just loud enough to be heard. Jin smiled, reaching out. Hoseok grabbed his hand, giving it a half squeeze shake quickly.

Jin let Yoongi pull him into a hug. He kissed him gently. “I told you we’d have your back,” Yoongi whispered.

“You did. You were right.”

“I usually am.”

Jin snorted, shoving Yoongi playfully. Yoongi grinned, squeezing tighter. “You aren’t gonna leave us, hyung. I’ll make sure of it.”

“We don’t have any say in that.”

“The fuck we don’t. Contract or not, we can have a say.”

“You are so brazen,” Jin lamented. Yoongi grinned.

“It turns you on.”

“Gross,” Jungkook whined, near enough to the two to have overheard.

“Snoop,” Jin responded.

“He’s not wrong,” Jimin said, “you two are absolutely disgusting together.”

“Oh, coming from the kid head over heels for Taehyung, that’s big talk,” Hoseok teased, flicking Jimin in the ear. Jimin swore, batting playfully at him before chasing him around the table.

The group settled comfortably together, talking in overlapping groups. Most of the tension from before had eased out of the room, it seemed, and things felt entirely unchanged for the most part.

They went silent when Namjoon entered the room, Bang on his heels.

“We have a decision,” Bang said. Everyone rose, lining up on either side of Jin.

“You can stay,” Bang said. “The PR team is coming up with a reason for your scars. We think it will be a simple surgery to fix a non-cancerous growth. Not entirely a lie, correct?”

Jin nodded. “That sounds good. Easy to remember.”

“The best thing to do is just not talk about it. There may be some questions, answer them as vaguely as you can. All of you. Remember, benign, harmless, entirely solved. Ignore the mention of gender confirmation surgeries or any mention of gender transition, understand?”

The group nodded together.

“Good. We’ll release something today or tomorrow to the official page.”

Jin bowed low. “Thank you.”

“You should be thanking your members. Their support likely saved your place.”

Jin looked to either side of him at the group. He nodded. “They have my deepest thanks as well.”

“You can thank us by cooking a good dinner,” Jungkook teased, and Jin grinned helplessly. Bang chuckled.

“I’ll leave you all, get out of here, it’s your day off.”

“Thank you again,” Namjoon said, shaking his hand before he left. Namjoon rushed toward Jin after and the group circled him, cheering and talking excitedly.

Jin laughed as he was jostled around by the members, hugs and claps on the back, squeezes to his shoulders and neck. The relief was palpable. Jin smiled when Yoongi looped his arms around him, and Jimin leapt onto his back, laughing when Jin shouted without venom. They made their way noisily toward the exit, discussing lunch ideas and things to do for the remainder of the day, making plans for the following weekend.

Jin fell back, following a few steps after the group to watch them. He felt an incredible calm settle into his bones. These six young men were his life. His family, the people that stuck by him no matter what. They’d chosen to stand with him when he came out, they wanted him as a part of their family still. It would be a long road ahead, Jin knew that, and he was sure the others did too. But they had each other, and that was all that mattered in the end. No matter what they had to fight through, they could do it as seven.

#bangtanarmynet #armiesnet #jinseoknet #networkbangtan #btsbookclub #ficswithluv #bangtanhq #vhopenet #btswriterscollective #bangtanidx #boymeetsmxm #yoonjin #transgender #yoongi x jin #jin x yoongi #suga x jin #jin x suga #seokjin x yoongi #seokjin x suga #suga x seokjin #yoongi x seokjin #mywriting

[tmitransitioning]

how will t be most likely to change my dietary needs? i used to have an eating disorder, and even now, i have trouble getting enough nutrients just because i have extremely limited access to food that i can hold down and still afford. also, ive heard t can cause some weight gain. im getting better about not obsessing over my weight, and i know its probably more muscle weight than fat, but im afraid ill relapse again anyway. are there ways beyond "just dont look" that i can deal with that better?

cw: disordered eating, calorie restriction, weight, generally talking about food and anxiety

So, I have been/am in a very similar position—long-running restrictive disordered eating patterns, low budget for groceries, and not a lot of food that I can physically eat (digestive problems). My ED started around natal puberty and has persisted since, but I’ve also never been formally treated, so the strategies and discussion here may not encompass that perspective.

Testosterone is... interesting, because it almost universally makes you hungry, kind of like a teenage cis dude, but a lot of the “oh my god if I don’t eat protein right now I’m gonna go feral” kind of hunger goes away after the first couple years. Cis women and cis men don’t really have that different of energy needs*, and while it’s true that your body needs energy to build muscle and grow hair and all of that, I think we sometimes accidentally give the impression that you’re constantly going to be eating three-course meat platters, which can make anxiety around food a lot worse to think about. It’s also kind of hard to figure out how much someone’s appetite increase is due solely to hormones and what is due to lifestyle changes—a lot of trans people on T hit the gym super hard and then wonder why they’re so hungry. (That’s a self-drag.) In general, once you’re past the bulk of the Second Puberty Changes, your appetite returns to about what it was.

The same goes for weight gain. Not everyone gains weight on testosterone**. In most people, T promotes muscle growth; you don’t get bodybuilder muscles without a ton of effort, but you will likely feel a bit stronger and might see physical muscle development in parts of your body that you use a lot (I got quads of steel; a lot of people get buff forearms and shoulders; your butt usually changes if you walk a lot; etc). HRT in general also doesn’t change how much body fat you have, because that is largely genetic. The shape that body fat takes will change, which can trigger emotions and anxiety about your body—I’ve had a hard time with this re: fat redistribution to my stomach. Knowing what effects something is having doesn’t necessarily turn the ED off, which is pretty frustrating; they’re irrational and based in fear and interact weirdly with dysphoria.

If you’re able to, I’ve found the most helpful thing is to straight-up build eating into a schedule every day. For example, I use paper lists on my desk a lot to keep track of things I have to do on days when I’m home, and I’ll incorporate “eat something” into those at specific intervals—”do dishes, clean desk, eat food, study, eat food, etc.”. It doesn’t have to be a meal, and it’s unrealistic to expect myself to do that. I also think that, since this isn’t a clinical setting, it is probably better to try and not track or care about the caloric or nutritional content, if possible. That is out of the question for a lot of people’s EDs, and I don’t know what form yours takes; I mention it because the anxiety produced around trying to hit a calorie goal can make it a lot harder to eat anything, and putting some fuel in is better than no fuel.

The trick to the repeated reminders thing is that you have to enforce it, or get something else to enforce it for you—I like phone alarms and timed reminders for this, where I can set them to snooze for five minutes but cannot dismiss them until I physically have an apple or whatever in my hand.

In terms of dealing with your actual thoughts about your weight: You’re right, “just don’t look” isn’t really a feasible solution. But it’s also hard to know how those thoughts will change on T, which makes them tough to anticipate and react to in advance. There’s a really, really weird intertwining of dysphoria and body image that tends to happen, where people will find that the body shape they settle into on hormones either doesn’t give them the same urge to control it that their pre-HRT body did or is easily separable from those feelings. I don’t want to tell you to wait and see but I do think that your overall ability to counter the anxiety you feel around food may get stronger when you feel more in control of/euphoric in your body. It’s weird, and takes some introspection to tease out, like, “okay I felt bad about my thighs previously because they made me dysphoric but now they’re shaped differently and I’m pretty sure that my remaining bad feelings are weight-based”. But it does, genuinely, surprisingly help a lot to ease dysphoria as a way of addressing weight and eating. EDs don’t disappear with hormonal transition, or with surgery, but they can get easier to manage when you are not constantly anxious about your body and gender. I hope some of this helps you; I’m sorry I can’t give you more of a handbook-style guide to it, I’m not sure anyone has it fully figured out.

- Mod Wolf

* The recommended-calorie diets are based on self-reported intakes; followup studies found that women were underreporting more than men were.

** And, conversely, not everyone loses weight on estrogen.

#mod wolf #disordered eating cw #eating disorders cw #food cw #weight cw #hrt #testosterone

[genderqueerpositivity]

CW: discussion of physical changes from HRT

So I'm right at about 3 and a half months on T now. My T dose was increased after my appointment last month, from 50 mg daily to 75 mg (my T prescription is a compounded cream applied to the skin).

Facial hair is happening pretty fast now. I have a good amount of hair on my chin and neck, and sideburns are coming in nicely. Nothing like a mustache yet though. I had facial hair pre-T, but it was mostly lighter in color and softer than what has now grown in its place.

I've been shaving regularly now. And I think I'm doing a bad job of it, there are so many irritated spots on my face right now. I think I need to buy a better razor.

The new facial hair growth is noticable to others, I've been made fun of for it recently. Also my therapist seems to think it's weird that I shave instead of letting my facial hair grow out. Apparently this means I'm probably not happy with the changes fron HRT or something. Plenty of cis men choose to remove their facial hair and no one questions their gender identity over it, what the fuck.

It's cool that I can grow it. But I even removed my facial hair pre-T, so this shouldn't be a surprise? Plus, having facial hair while having to wear a mask for 8 hours a day is super itchy.

My skin isn't as oily now as it was when I first started T--or maybe I've just gotten used to it? But I am still getting ingrown hairs on every part of my body, which is bad for someone who picks at their skin as much as I do. I think it's all the new hair growth causing this, and nothing that I've tried so far as helped.

Also, body hair. I have it everywhere now. Toes, hands, belly, chest, my back. I actually really like my body hair and I'm keeping it. I still have a lot of chest dysphoria, but I am very happy with my chest hair and that helps.

My last period was 3 weeks late, but still an average length for me (9 days). It was the same week that I increased my T dose, so I guess I'm waiting to see how that will affect it. The big thing worth mentioning is that my cramps weren't nearly as bad this time around and I felt a lot steadier emotionally than I normally would during my periods. I want to see my periods stop entirely in the future.

I haven't noticed anything new with my voice within the past two weeks or so, it seems to be staying how it is for the moment. I love how it's changed so far, so that is fine. My voice passes for male sometimes now!

Also haven't noticed any new bottom growth, sadly. Definitely have noticed an increase in sex drive.

And then there are the things I haven't noticed at all yet: no hair loss, no change in the way my body smells, no fat redistribution, my weight hasn't increased or decreased, and I'm still not having a more difficult time crying.

So that's how things are going now!

#personal #op #hrt journal #menstruation tw #skin picking tw #razor mention tw #gentials tw #weight tw #weight mention tw #weight loss tw