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mpregfrance · 5 months

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Alright to start this ask off I'm just gonna say my interactions w/ you have genuenly been one of the funniest ive had in a long ass time. I've read ur recent post and I empathyse a lot. You seem incredibly funny and genuine. Idk your situation and your background and even your age, but I think you can and are pulling through. Things will get better even if you dont actively want them to. Im not saying this in a vague hope to make the situation you are in better. Im telling you, as a person who from the age of 14 went from therapist to therapist, somehow been on meds that dont fuckin exist yet in croatia, someone who feels trapped in the very /country/ she lives in with no means of escape, someone who is "waiting" for things to finally financially/academicaly/politicaly be better so that I can make something of my life. As it did for me, you will feel joy again in what you do, in what you have, and in what you can achieve. I think it's ok to be down, its ok to feel like "if a bus hit me tomorrow i wouldnt protest" but the thing about people is we adapt rather quickly. So putting yourself out there, going to places you are scared to and believe yourself to be an outcast from is exactly what gets you to meet people and see things that youll remember forever. And after a while the outcast will stop coming to these places, the person there will be someone who belongs. Apathy is a way of saying "fine whatever i dont even care anymore" but youll see how much you care.

I started getting ok after a full decade of *trying* and what I've always found is that for me the saying "don't take anything seriously" is no.1 rule. I get worked up, anxious and overwhelmed with so much so many times.

You may have problems with people at work with friends and whomever, but the main thing you gotta remember is *you cant change anyone but yourself*

And its not a change of personality, hair color, interests, its how much something will get to you, how willing are you to give something up thats not working out and how you will percieve something.

I have no doubt that you know all of this crap but i guess i wanted to say all of that just bc there is no greater pain for me than when i see someone feel like i did regardless of the reason or situation.

Keep on truckin and doing what u love even if its mpregfrance posting. I will always be here to send you to liking-france-jail, mwah <3

hello my sweaty angle <3 i'm sorry i'm just replying to this now. i had to sleep on it because your thoughtfulness deserves a sincere reply.

first of all - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being so kind, sweet and insightful and offering your support.

the fact that you would take the precious time out of your day to write this out for me is, in a word, unbelievable. i really appreciate you checking in, it's an incredibly caring thing to do. to be honest i'm a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of this unexpected message and i wish i knew how better to express my appreciation.

i really do love to hear that i made you laugh. i live to shitpost. i've always prided myself on my sense of humor and sometimes i feel as if it's slipping away, so it's reliving to hear i've still got it.

unfortunately i still haven't had the strength to eat. i'm heading to work in a bit. things are pretty rough right now, but when have they not been? obviously my present circumstances aren't the root cause of all my problems. in fact my life has improved since moving here.

extensive bianca lore and vulnerability under the cut, apologies in advance.

basically, in so few words, my current situation is that i'm nearly 25 and have nothing to show for it. i've lived in different cities across the US, had great jobs, apartments, friends, roommates, relationships, etc. i have done a lot of living in a short amount of time. but then, in retrospect, it feels like it stopped.

about 3 years ago i was in a very bad place mentally due to the isolation of the pandemic, and i met my husband online. in early 2022 i gave up everything, saved over $10k for the visa and moving costs, and relocated from the US to australia to live with him. our relationship itself has improved from how it used to be, but since the beginning we've had seemingly endless bad luck and financial setbacks.

last year, not long after our (very disappointing) wedding, i suffered a devastating miscarriage. ruptured ectopic, massive internal bleeding, required emergency surgery etc. not only was that traumatic emotionally, but i wasn't eligible for healthcare at the time bc of my immigration status, so we're still paying off the medical bill.

we share a house with my mother in law who is a domineering, emotionally incestuous single mom and an emotionally abusive narcissist. i don't throw that term around lightly, as so many people do these days, but i honestly believe she's devoid of empathy. she's admitted that she dislikes me and thinks i'm stupid because i don't talk much, and goes out of her way to make me feel unwelcome.

so i'm stuck in an area that feels, to me, like the middle of nowhere. i'm not homesick, i love this country. it's just that i'm not used to suburbs. i feel most comfortable in a city where there's people and places and things, neon lights and background noise and stuff to do.

i'd would be happy to live anywhere as long as it's not with her. it honestly feels like a prison sometimes. that sounds dramatic but she's cultivating an unbelievably hostile environment that causes me to feel on edge whenever she's around.

needless to say we need to move, desperately. it's our #1 priority. more than anything else i want a place of our own and eventually a family. we've been actively househunting for the better part of a year, but the rental market is catastrophically bad right now. it's not even about the money, since we're both working we can afford a decent place. it's just that it's so competitive. every showing i've attended, there's been like 30 other prospective tenants. we've been turned down from every apartment we've applied for.

on top of our living situation i have complex health issues that are just getting worse. my energy is zapped. trying to balance work work and housework leaves me with almost no free time to write.

this barely scratches the surface of why I Am The Way That I Am™. i'm not saying any of this to evoke sympathy or brag about 'having it hard'. simply trying to explain. my upbringing was abusive and dysfunctional in a number of ways. i just barely graduated high school. i never had traditional opportunities, i was raised in a way where there's basically no assumption/expectation that you'll ever be successful or fulfilled. i'm diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD and bipolar 2 - haven't been able to get my proper meds in australia. i've been addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. i'm not pleasant to be around. i will probably always look like and act like the lower class, white trash girl that i am. i have spent my entire life in survival mode.

i'm always in the midst of some identity crisis or running away from something. so yeah, i've been hurt and downtrodden. i've also experienced the beautiful side of life from time to time. i've gained a breadth of knowledge and met incredible individuals who introduced me to new perspectives and i'm forever grateful for them. with the way i've lived, i'm very lucky to not be dead or incarcerated right now.

ok, pity party's over. for real this time.

you're pretty much describing exactly how i feel. you know the struggle. the part about waiting to live my life; that's precisely where i'm at. i don't necessarily have a desire to fit in, i just want to get away into somewhere that i can adjust better to.

my isolation is partially due to a lack of energy but also i don't seek out interaction because i'm afraid no one else can understand me. not because i believe i'm too 'complex' or 'damaged' to be understood. that's a load of self-pitying bullshit. it's just scary to be truly seen. or vulnerable. or genuine. bc the results of such openness are unpredictable and uncomfortable.

it's hard, but i know i have to find it within myself to take that push. what's holding me back right now is mainly my material conditions, circumstances out of my direct control. i have no doubt i'll feel at least 50% better when i stop living with this woman.

i certainly have no problem with starting over if something doesn't work for me. contrary to what i might've described, i believe i'm pretty well adjusted, self aware and rational. as is obvious i don't take many things that seriously lmao. i went from caring wayyy too much about everything, being overly emotional and sensitive, to going entirely with the flow and accepting what i can't control or predict.

also i am well aware that you can't change people, that's never been my goal lmao i've never needed someone to tell me that <3

tl;dr, thank you. so much. this really uplifted and inspired me meli, thank you so much for being so thoughtful and compassionate.

it sounds like you're also stuck between a rock and a hard place in your own environment, and i'm sorry to hear that. it's a wretched feeling but i believe you you will thrive no matter the setting, because in all seriousness, you're incredibly talented. i hope you know you should follow your dreams. hell, it looks like you already are and you're giving us the privilege of witnessing it. your art is stunning, the passion and care you put into your work is obvious. your matthew is absolutely beautiful - like his maman.

from a rabidly devoted france woobifier to the designated france hater, i'm only going to say this once but you are validated in your distaste. i understand. you gotta admit though, he is a MILF.

if one thing is certain i will never stop frussyposting. in fact right now i am thinking about france hetalia big fat juicy boobies mmmm milky squishy. i'm giving her a teensy tiny little slut waist and childbearing hips. i would give him a brazilian butt lift but he doesn't even need it!!!

if that is a crime then lock me up. please. strap on the handcuffs and throw me in the crate for naughty little freaks teeheehee >:3

be careful tho. if you keep sending me gay ass love letters like this they're gonna start shipping toxic yuri melianca even harder <3

#this made my day #this ask gave me bottom emoji eyes!!!#DM me if you want babe #ask and ye shall receive #tw vent

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marnz · 7 months

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some thoughts about life right now;

i've been on a really intense project since late July and let me tell you, i am tired! i'm one of the few people at my job that specialize in this type of work--we are excited to train more--but for now i am just hanging out here preparing to trade one high pressure project for another for the foreseeable future. which ultimately is fine! even though it can be stressful, I would rather be doing this type of work, which is interesting and super fulfilling and matters a lot to me, than other types of work, which do not feel fulfilling and are actually pretty boring.

it's a little confusing to find myself here because last year i went on medical leave for mental health reasons and prior to that i was doing a very different kind of work, and when i came back in january they started me off with this new kind of work (which i do prefer) with basically no training from my supervisor. which is fine, i am comfortable learning on the fly and/or teaching myself, and i have both a lot of experience doing this and a lot of experience in Complex Projects, albeit in a different practice area. then i moved onto this project in late july. so like again very little training in this specific type of work but i assure you, nothing is as stressful as my last job was. and i do love this project! even though it's stressful! i've since learned that this is just going to be my specialty! which like...i am happy with the outcome but i feel like i sort of tripped and fell into it in the least expected way possible.

while thinking about it, i think i thought i'd only make it to this kind of work, this kind of project, by working hard--and i had a specific idea of what working hard looked like, what striving looked like. but i have been working hard for the last year or so, healing, learning, growing, recovering, all of it. and that is hard work. and by taking time to tend to myself, and grow and change and learn and heal, i became ready for this kind of stressful work. and that's not the narrative we have around this. culturally we have a narrative of self sacrifice and unpaid overtime and being really fucking type A and having unhealthy work/life balance, but as soon as I stepped away and said actually, i've had enough, i will not burn my life out for you, i started down a road that led me to doing the type of work i want to do in a healthier and more prepared way. and that's fucking awesome!

for now i am just trying to make it to the end of this project in mid october. which means coping skills, baby! wish i could write but i don't have capacity for it rn, and that's fine. so my priorities are: maintenance days (cleaning/chores). reading. knitting. baking. yoga. hiking. i want to make life as easy and cozy for myself as possible right now.

i haven't knit for several months and I'm thinking of trying my first sweater--this gorgeous sweater called Mountain Mist. however i've never done colorwork before so the pattern suggests doing the same colorwork in a swatch hat (here) to practice. i am SO HYPE!!! this pattern is also admittedly deeply my aesthetic. i showed it to my partner and he laughed bc it's so typically me lol. i also checked out the first book in Tana French's Dublin Murders series on audiobook to listen too while knitting. spooky season means murder mysteries. 🥰

also my work office is being remodeled so i will be working from home for the next 6ish months, and we're preparing to overhaul my little work corner in our house so it is better/more ergonomic/has more storage/is cuter. also i am going to get a standing desk for my poor knees 😵‍💫 recently worked from 8:30 to 9:30 and my knees hurt sooooo bad 😩

it's nice to know that a year ago i wouldn't have been able to handle this project or really know how to slow down and prioritize self care and after a ton of hard work on my mental health i'm now i'm like, well, it is a bit stressful but we got this. progress 😌💖

#currently #crimes new roman #gonna make lemon poppyseed bread next i think #doing laundry and cleaned out the pantry today. now going to order yarn.#also tmi but i got a new iud and i am In Pain lol so i am just going to take it super easy :)

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golbrocklovely · 20 hours

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I think a lot of the younger fandom, the ones who often forget that Sam and Colby are both almost thirty, living their lives, while having a passion for youtube/paranormal, are indeed that. Adults.

They can take criticism and adjust if they want to, yet in my eyes I have no issues with them keeping life private, doing what they need to do and posting when they want to. I'm sure they are working insanely hard behind the scenes, the only problem really is that fans not all, but some believe they are entitled to have them engaging or posting when they want them to.

If they want that, then look for other channels, the Sidemen post every one to two days on one of their many channels plus on sideplus. A lot of british commentators post twice or three times a week.

Depending on the content and the context of what they are doing, taking time is better than getting a half assed not fully finished product.

As a fan who is older than most (at least I think so) it's shameful how others act.

/gets off soap box.

i agree with you. i think too many fans expect snc to just tell us everything that's happening with them at all times, bc they've done that for so many years. and bc fans are expecting that openness, when they don't get it… they feel like snc are hiding from us. when really they are just setting a boundary and all of those fans freaking out are just upset they don't have the inside scoop anymore.

bc look, if all of this was just about content and the lack of it recently, then i would be on board for the frustration. bc it is a bit sad to see less and less of them. but, if they don't want to share with us what they do in their free time, i'm not gonna harp on them for it. the one vid a month has been the usual for some time, they post on react weekly, and just bc they don't interact with us all the time like they once did doesn't mean they've changed.

like, the fandom 12 million ppl in it, even if snc wanted to talk to everyone in the fandom, they wouldn't be able to. and sorry, but it's not the end of the world if they don't want to talk to fans on twitter or any site for that matter. you aren't warranted unfeathered access to them just bc you buy merch or have supported them for years. it's not snc's job to interact with us. it's an added bonus, for our benefit (and theirs too). but it's only really mutual for them when WE AREN'T DICKHEADS to them.

personally, if snc only tweet out links to vids and merch drops from this point forward, i wouldn't lose sleep over it. who cares. my god lol

but the fact of the matter is all of this drama started with the girls. once they got in the picture, everyone started finding reasons to be hateful. and maybe now they aren't the sole reason, but they were the beginning. and snc have been flat out telling us that going on social media and seeing everyone's comments, mostly on twitter, is hard for their mental healths. and if the ppl on there can't accept that or want to argue about it, babes... you ain't got no one to blame but yourselves. bc snc have ALWAYS been forgiving, always been ppl pleasers. they wouldn't just randomly ice out part of the fandom for no reason.

but idk why i bother. if you don't agree with that side of the fandom, you're just an snc dick rider or too far up their asses to be "real" about them lol but look, if that means i know i can go to sleep at night knowing i haven't been ragging on their gfs for months on end or saying they've changed bc they set a boundary, then idc. call me snc's #1 dick rider.

#ask #personal #snc bs

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horce-divorce · 2 years

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Someone on Reddit was lamenting that they had previously had their HRT covered by insurance, but because they're in Florida, because of the recent ban taking effect, now they're paying out of pocket, and they were worried about this, understandably

Another trans person commented and was like "yeah I've never had my hormones covered in NY, welcome to the club I guess?"

And like listen, I get that, I GET IT. I do. It's kinda like how I never had the option to transition until I was 30 and now there's all these kids got to start at 15, there is definitely a sense of mourning and envy that comes with someone having something you never had the chance to even try. It hurts.

And that hurt is 100% on You, my friend. That is YOUR Problem To Deal With, it's not your job to project your jealousy and nasty feelings onto other people???? Strangers, no less???

Like if you see other trans people worrying about their situation and saying "things changed, the future is uncertain, and idk what to do now," and your knee jerk reaction is to say some shit like 'yeah? And? Welcome to the fucking club?' I really suggest you stop and ask yourself if maybe it's time to stop posting!!!!!!! Seriously what the fuck is the point of a comment like this. Log off and watch fricking TV or something if it's making you that pissed off JUST to hear other people's experiences. It's not "easy" for anyone to be trans right now just because it's SLIGHTLY EASIER for SOME people. Absolutely nobody in the trans community needs the "yeah tough shit life is pain suck it buttercup" talk????

And bc apparently this needs to be said, my heart goes out to all my trans siblings down in Florida right now. That's a horrible place to be, you have enough political and environmental stressors there without losing access to your stuff, and as someone who's access could also disappear at any time, I deeply sympathize. It must be unbearable to have finally had access to something so important only to have it snatched so callously away. I'm so sorry we are still having this fight.

'Welcome to the club, it sucks to be trans forever, what did you expect 🙄' like how is that comment even remotely helpful or necessary? To anyone, including yourself? What do you get out of posting shit like that? What do you get out of vocally dismissing other people's pain and fear? Does that help your mental state, does it make it easier and more euphoric for you to be trans, to take other trans ppl down a peg, remind them that we're supposed to be suffering and groveling for every scrap???

Ok and like having typed all of this. I have empathy for that commenter, too. They are clearly hurting in some other way, and surely didn't think it thru that much. They are just bitter and grumpy and being shown post after post to interact with, and it's easy to let your guard down and make a flippant comment when you're not thinking and just scrolling.

What I'm saying is, like, I too have made flippant and rude comments like this in passing, and I've hurt people doing it. I had to stop and ask myself if I really liked who I was when I was using the internet that way, and make a better system of recognizing when I'm falling into that space- getting increasingly grumpy about every post, wanting to fight with people, feeling like a total curmudgeon! And when I notice I'm doing that, I have found that means that I personally need to log off and touch some fucking grass. Because the crotchety disposition is a symptom of what being online is doing to my mental state, and **I** am responsible for that. Not whoever made the comment that ticked me off.

Anyway I understand why people make comments like this, I do, and it's worth pointing out that websites WANT us to make comments like that, they encourage us to do it despite our better judgement. I think it's probably doubly hard for trans folks rn because if we try to engage with our communities at all, we will inevitably be shown content about transphobia. It's hard to scroll thru any trans spaces rn without finding some level of doom and gloom and when you're being inundated with that constantly, it's hard to shake.

But some loving and gentle advice from someone who's been online a lot, for a long time? If using social media isn't serving you, if it's making you cranky and combative and depressed, if you find yourself making comments like this even though that's not really you... Respectfully? YOU need to take the reigns and Log The Fuck Off for a bit. Give yourself a time out. Go do something YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO DO. You can not convince me that scrolling reddit is the pinnacle of hobbies and entertainment for you. Find something real.

And like, I'm also NOT saying that when you feel that curmudgeonly way, you don't deserve to vent. You do! You absolutely need to, don't bottle that shit up. We are ALL feeling it to some degree. But also, read the fricking room? Don't just go dump it on some random poor fuck who has no clue what your damage is??

It doesn't mean you need to eschew the internet altogether, FYI. It doesn't even mean you need to set rules or a bedtime tech routine! It doesn't mean you need to throw your cellphone in the ocean and become a hermit in the woods like nature intended. It doesnt mean Technology Is Bad. It doesn't mean Never Make A Comment Or Talk To Anyone.

It JUST means, like, look:

We know for a fact that social media can and does manipulate our emotions on purpose.

When you're engaging w people online, are you behaving in a way that's serving you, or in a way that's serving the algorithm?

Put your oxygen mask on. Preferably before making shithead comments.

You might also find it helpful to ask yourself some questions:

- does this need to be said?

- does this need to be said by me?

- does this need to be said, by me, right now?

Food for thought!!!!

#me #disc horse

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myadhdbot · 10 months

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tldr: nothing important

just knowing you might have adhd without the official diagnosis, and no means to even get one bc where you live in doesn't take mental health seriously, is so frustrating.

i relate to most of the adhd behaviours described online. i cannot regulate my attention. my recent hyper-fixation lasted almost an entire semester and i barely scraped through all the other subjects other than the ones i was really interested in. i also lose focus easily in class unless I'm writing every word they say down. executive dysfunction is an everyday thing. i cannot stop scrolling on the internet even though i mentally list all the better things i could be doing rather than waste time every 10-15 minutes. I'm easily bored and have had meltdowns in the past so yes i 98% think i have adhd probably a bit of anxiety as well.

but without the official diagnosis my imposter syndrome makes it so difficult to live guilt free. theres always stupid thoughts in my head saying if I'm just exaggerating things (i know I'm not) but it's so hard to shut down the voice and i go into a spiral thinking if I'm just being lazy, not working hard enough to get things done on time, not trying to remember important schedules or assignments, not trying complete my assignments or homeworks or reading until the very last minute.

my issues with memory also make it incredibly hard to recall anything other than some specific instances of my childhood and everybody (esp my mom) remembers a different version of me bc i lived in a boarding school from 11-16(until covid) and i was extremely high functioning. i used to ace tests without having to read too much and my boarding school had a very strict routine that made it easy bc i knew what i was supposed to do every minute of the day but when 11th grade came around everything changed even though i was still in the same boarding setup. i suddenly didnt do well in tests bc i hadn't needed to until then. so i don't know who i was, i don't know who i am or who I'm supposed to be.

i did nothing productive during the covid year couldn't concentrate in class. i read hp fanfics all day. i couldn't even read new books, or watch tv shows or pick up a hobby or learn a language (which is an interest of mine), nothing other than reading about the same people fall for each other in a thousand different au's. this was a very important stage in my student life and i didn't give university exams properly. i can't regret it bc i don't even think about it. i don't think about anything concrete but my mind is always busy.

(i don't even know where i was going with this. does this qualify as trauma dump?)

i see people with the same problems on the internet and it does relieve me to a certain extent but there's always doubt clawing at me. also bc in just 2 years I've to get a job and i hear how office spaces are not accomodating enough for nd folks and it's scary. i also don't really like the job profile very much but it's also bc i have no real direction in life. i dream about having a book cafe but it's not sustainable nor fair to my family ig.

sundays are not fun when you're in an existential crisis (if this even qualifies as one) and i have homework to do that I could've done anytime between the last 30 hours which I've procrastinated against doing until now.

#undiagnosed adhd #adhd things?#adhd brain #adhd stuff #adult adhd #muad

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searchingformylostpan · 11 months

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Sorry for getting frustrated with you earlier, it's hard for me to stay calm when you're getting ovesstimulated and we're working on something since I pick up on your energy and it affects me too especially when there's not really anything I can do to help you in those times....and when it feels like you're not listening to me/taking over what I was doing/kinda felt like you were saying I was gonna mess it up and with how angry you've been getting with me nearly every day recently I'm kinda at my max and I snap back at you a lot quicker than I normally would....

and also stuff like earlier when we were getting up and you were "just messing with me" and pinching me and you say that it's unreasonable for me to ask that you not do something that actually hurts me that I don't like....idk what to do with that. I feel like I've asked you so many times now to stop hurting me, I know it's fun for you but it isint fun for me bc it feels like no matter what I say you're just gonna keep doing it and i should just be ok with it and then when I try to talk to you about it I'm being mean and you redirect the conversation to something I'm doing wrong every time. I know I'm laughing while trying to fight you off when you try to get me bc it's fun when were just playing around but you don't hold back when you pinch/spank me and it is seriously painful. I would be ok with it if it was in a playful way but I don't like constantly being afraid of you getting me by surprise and reacting badly like I did when I hit you.

Idk I wish I could talk to you about this but you shut down every time I try to or I'm being mean or you just make appaled noises at me and don't actually say anything amd just expect me to understand what that means. Even sending this to you on facebook messenger would just be left ignored like all the other attempts I've made, so this is the last method I can come up with for you to hopefully sometime soon whenever you're able to read . I don't like getting upset with you, but I also really can't handle getting hurt so much either. It's been putting me in a really bad place and I'm having trouble convincing myself that i don't deserve this bc of my choices.

Don't think that I'm ok with still being in this position...I very much am disgusted with myself all day every day for not being able to figure this shit out. But I've had to accept that im not you. I can't just will myself better and I can't figure out how to overcome whatever all my issues are on my own. I know im going to need some serious professional help to be able to break this downward streak I'm stuck in. And when I am ready to accept that help again, I don't want to walk away halfway through again. So im waiting till august when my insurance is active to check back into inpatient....i know that's not what you want to hear, me too, but i can't lose this job. I need the insurance in order to go to the rehab i want to go to that i think will be the best for me, and until then, i need to be able to survive. If that's not ok with you, i understand if you need to take some time to yourself until i can be 100% me again.

It feels like you currently see me as maybe 2% me, as someone who isint worth the effort to try to be a bit more kind to when you're hurting (your words, I asked if you could at least try to be mindful of how your words affect me and you said no, that I couldn't expect any changes or effort from you on that.) It feels a little like I'm just here for your enjoyment and my feelings don't really matter too much.....I don't like it when you cause me physical (and mental) pain and im the unreasonable one for asking you not to hurt me and why cant i just spit it out that i made a horrible decision one night last year of who i hung out with for an evening and had my right to control what happens to my body taken away from me?( Huh why is that so hard to tell say to you when youre yelling at me that you should have the right to do whatever you want to me wheneveryou want to just because i didnt used to stop you and i dont really feel comfortable telling you something that i havemt told anyone else before and that you really have no need to know? It should be enough that im telling you im nkt comfortable with it and to please stop. But no.)

and by not wanting me to even drop you off at the post it feels like youre embarrased by me and dont want anyone to know you associate with me....i was honestly shocked when you said i could come have a drink with you at happy hour and that you didn't just immediately want to go home...My self worth used to grow so much when I was around you, I know that the pain is causing a lot of this, but I can't deal with this level of shit. If it's because of my choices then please just tell me to fuck off and I'll leave you alone. I'm having a hard time believing that there's really nothing that can be done to improve things for the both of us....

I know this is a whole lot in this post....ive been trying to talk to you about this but I don't know how to get you to actually have a conversation with me about any of this so it's all just been building up....and im at my breaking point now. So please, PLEASE can we find a way to treat eachother better? I love you so very much, the only thing that really matters to me in all of this is that I feel like I can't talk to you. That's it, if we could work that out everything else would work itself out. I don't want to be apart from you for an extended time ever again, I know I will have to go away for a month or so this fall, but after (and until) that, I would love to wake up next to you every single morning.....

#tumblr makes me break it up into sections or itll just delete the whole thing and i cant get it back #it was all essentially one huge run on sentance originally....whoops i didnt proofread it too well or im not gonna post it #i am terrified to hit post #i dont want to loose you or make you think i dont love and enjoy our time together #but theres some things that are becoming a bit too much for me to pretend like im not bothered #*can wet please find a way to talk? actually talk...not yelling or just Not™️?

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littlepadika · 2 years

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Hi could I possibly please request a dadddy max with little reader where the reader has bipolar disorder? Bc I have been recently been diagnosed with it and I feel quite embarrassed about it. Thanks and I think ur blog is really cool :)

aww bb i'm glad you like it. Honestly i was scared to write for this bc i don't want to assume what BPD is like or tell you how to feel. I'm sure it feels isolating and embarrassing but hopefully a diagnosis means you're one step closer to healing. stay strong! i'm proud of you 🥰 . Here's what daddy max (and me via max) would say to you...

Warnings: DDLG, discussion of mental health, comfort

He drives you home after the appointment where you were formally diagnosed. He spends several minutes trying to think of what to say while you sit quietly in the passenger seat, taking it all in. He was frustrated because it was his job, as your daddy, to protect you and care for you. But how could he fight something in your head? There was no bottle, stuffie, cuddle, or joke that would make this magically better.

"Pumpkin?" He reaches over and rubs your thigh.

"Ya." You answer quietly.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know." You shrug, not able to name the pit in your stomach. You got clarity finally but it wasn't making you feel better.

"Are you scared?" He looked at you before turning back to the road. you didn't look scared you just looked-

"No." You struggle to find the words. "I feel like- like- ugh I don't know how to call it, daddy."

"Is it between sad and happy?"

"Yeah." you bit your lip. "I just- I jus wanna be normal!"

Max felt a pang in his chest. "I know..." He paused thinking of what to say next. Normally he might make a joke or tickle you to diffuse the tension but that wouldn't be right. He could go on and on about how special you were and how normal was overrated but that's not what you were looking for right now.

He pulled into the driveway at home.

"Pumpkin, did you know daddy also wishes to be normal sometimes?" He turned off the car and gave you his full attention.

"What?" You perk up, turning your body to him. Max was always so confident and charismatic, you never saw him as having insecurities. He was your big strong daddy!

"Yeah." Max shrugged, smiling at you weakly. "I sometimes wish I was human so that you wouldn't be held back by me. I know it's silly but sometimes I feel like I don't belong." He winced thinking of all the days he couldn't play with you because it was a bit too sunny. The moods he got into when he needed to feed.

"But I wuv you. Don't want you to change, daddy." You take his hand and press it against your cheek.

"I know." Max's eyes soften. "But that doesn't stop me from feeling that way sometimes. There's just some situations I am very aware that I don't fit in. I feel like everyone is judging me. Is that kind of how you feel right now?"

"Mhm." You nod.

"Whenever I feel like that I think of you, baby, you never ever judge me and you remind me every day that I am still lovable." He leaned over and kissed your forehead. "I'm going to be there to do the same for you, pumpkin. Every day, every minute if I have to."

You chew your lip, feeling hot tears on the corners of your eyes. His words addressed at your biggest fear. You wanted your mental health to change but you didn't want your whole world to change, especially with Max. Would he still love you if you changed in the healing process?

"So you'll-" You sniffle "Will you still love me when I'm better, daddy?"

"Of course, sweetheart." Max smiled widely, almost amused by your silly thinking. "I want you to be happy and feel more in control of your life. The fact you're taking this big scary step makes me love you more. Because you are so brave. I'm so proud of you, pumpkin!"

You throw your arms around him, climbing into his lap on the drivers side. "I love you daddy." You cry, feeling relief now wash over you. It was going to be a hard journey for sure but you had the person you loved most by your side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

daddy masterlist

Littlespace taglist: @lafresamilk @dobbyjen @mamacitapascal @prettypedros, @marstheplanet @takochansugoi @oceanablue @iwishtobeastorm @dincrypt, @bac-1, @spacenerdpascal, @cranberrypills @punkerthanpascal @breezythesimp @djarinsimp @mylittlesenaar @bbybunbun @phnyx @xwalltoast @dreadwolfxoxo @xwalltoast @mswarriorbabe80 @bearcina @lokigirlszendaya @pedroslilbitch @star-wars-fan-2005 @din-jarhead @hillgoth @m4ngoj3lly @crabbae @im-a-mcsimp-for-mchotties @girlofchaos @joelsflannel @xoxabs88xox @nicolethered @sergeant-major-ghost @pretty-girl-likes-tea

#anon #ask padika #daddy!max #little!reader

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t0shii · 3 years

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% comforting them when they're upset

.! oikawa, tsukishima, matsukawa (sep) x gn!r

.! angst + fluff/ breakdowns, crying, etc. lightly proofread bc im lazy so sorry for any mistakes.

.! im so sorry if this is absolute word vomit or horse shit 😭 i tried my best though 😌 uhhh sorry for not posting yesterday i got my daith pierced and i was in a lot of pain after that so i didnt feel like writing anywho enjoy this 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 p.s. i was originally gonna write for mad dog but i was struggling so i went with mattsun instead sorry. also idk why matsuns ended up being so short i didnt do him justice i apologize 😩

oikawa

— always gets discouraged when his knee bothers him. today was one of those days. his coach had made him sit out of practice because he had been limping a bit. he came home distraught and you noticed right away.

"what's the matter toru?" you asked opening your arms for a hug, which he accepted, wrapping his arms around your middle quite tightly. "my knee is bothering me again 'n coach made me sit out. it's just not fair." he mumbled into your shoulder. you could feel his tears soak through your shirt. you nodded and responded, "baby, he just doesn't want you to hurt yourself. i know it's not fair but-", "but i wanna play volleyball, i wanna get better and practice." he said, aggravated that you weren't exactly on his side, still he held you tighter.

"toru, baby, look at me." he does as told, and you bring your hands up to wipe his tear stained cheeks,"toru, you can't strain your knee anymore than you already do, you know this. i know you only want to play volleyball, baby i know, but you have to be patient." he nods in agreement and you do the same, then guiding his head back to your shoulder, "i know it's frustrating toru, but you can't force it, y'know? he wouldn't make you sit out if it wasn't for your best interest. you know that, deep down."

the two of you had been cuddling on the couch, his back against your chest when you heard him sniffling again, "toru, what's wrong?" you ask softly, sitting up slightly. "i'm so useless, my own knee can't even work right. the team deserves someone better and so d-do you" he hiccuped, hiding is face in his hands. you felt guilty for not comforting him more earlier. "toru, that's not true at all." you stated, forcing his hands into yours, "take it back right now." he looked at you confused. "toru oikawa i said take it back right this instant." you said a little sterner than before.

"no." he managed to get out through sobs, and you knew the stern method wasn't going to work this time around. "toru, please. you're not useless at all, not to anyone, not to the team, and especially not to me. you're the best teammate, friend and boyfriend anyone could ever ask for and your knee just needs a break sometimes, you just need a break sometimes and thats okay. needing a break doesn't make you useless or weak, toru." you say softly, guiding him to a sitting position, hugging him closely and tracing small, comforting shapes on his back.

"you're so so strong toru, and you're an amazing person, an amazing boyfriend, you're such an amazing volleyball player and i'm so proud of how far you've come since highschool." you say, kissing the crown of his head. "you mean it?" he asks leaning back to look at you, "i always do, toru. i love you more than anything, and i'm so so fucking proud of you, but you have to know, it's okay to need a break sometimes and it doesn't change who you are as a person and it definitely doesn't make you weak or useless. he nods in response, burrying his head into the crook of your neck. you both stay like that, you whispering words of affirmations, him listening fondly until he feels better a little while later.

tsukishima

— he usually didn't let the stress of professional volleyball get to him like this, but he couldn't help it he would be lying if he said he wasn't overwhelmed, from interviews, to extra practice to prepare for the overseas games he had coming up, he was exhausted, to add onto it all he had been neglecting you and he felt horrible for it.

you knew practice was going to be running late since your boyfriend had told you in advance, so you weren't initially worried as to why kei had been coming home late at night. this night in particular was the fourth night in a row kei been home late and you starting to grow concerned. you hadn't seen him hardly at all that week, which was unusual because he always made time for you no matter what. worried, you decided to stay awake and wait for him to get home.

when the time finally comes, your heart dropped at his appearance, he looked absolutely horrible, as if he hadn't slept right in weeks. "why are you up?" he mumbled, taking his shoes off rather sloppily, uncharacteristic of him. you made your way closer to yoir exhausted boyfriend, "kei, i'm worried about you. i know you don't like me meddling with your career, and please don't misunderstand my concern for that. i'm just worried you aren't getting enough rest and i've barely seen you at all this week." you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

you knew something was wrong when you saw the tear swell in his eyes, but he just stood there awkwardly, you walked closer toward him, "kei, what's wrong?" you ask, extending your arms toward him, which he basically fell into, he started sobbing immediately, shocking you initially. "i'm s-sorry for neglecting you this week, i didn't mean to i-i just-", "kei, i'm not worried about that, i'm worried that you aren't taking care of yourself properly." you mumble, patting his back comfortingly. to which he shakes his head no."work has been too much recently, i can't sleep and i barely have time to even think. its just practice, interviews, practice, interviews i-i can't handle it all anymore, y/n." he sobbed into your shoulder, you were speechless at his vulnerability.

"kei,-", "but i can't stop now because that'll make me a failure and i don't want to let you down and the team too, i just want to make everyone proud but i think i'm falling behind." he cried, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. "kei, you could never let me down. actually, i think i've been letting you down recently, i don't tell you this enough but, i'm so so proud of you kei, so proud you don't even understand, i'm sorry for not expressing that enough to you. i understand that you feel as if you're falling behind but overworking and stressing yourself out isn't going to help you improve, kei, and i know you also know that."

"you're working yourself sick, kei and i can't stand here and continue to let that happen so you're taking a day off whether you like it or not. tomorrow will be a me and you day, how does that sound? i'll call your coach in the morning." honestly, you wouldn't have let him say no anyways, and he knew that so he just nodded his head. "look at me kei, you have to tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed. it's not good to keep things in like this, it's just like you tell me." he nods his head, but avoids eye contact, "and i'm not disappointed or upset at you, you know. but i can't read your mind, so please just tell me when things start to feel like they're crashing down on you 'kay? i'll help you just like you help me." you smile, he looks at you and nods, hugs you closer and whispers an "i love you" into your ear, which you return.

matsuwaka

— you knew his work was stressful and emotionally and mentally exhausting, so there were always worries in the back of your mind that he would become too overwhelmed, well today your worries became reality.

"welcome home issei." you called from the kitchen as your boyfriend walked through the door, though he offered you no response, which made you frown. "issei?-" you gasped when you felt a pair of strong arms sneak their way around your waist, "jesus, issei, you scared me!" you giggle placing your hands atop of his own, but you realized he was not laughing with you. "issei, baby?" concern laced in your tone as you maneuvered your way around to face him, "what's wrong baby?" you ask, taking his face in your hands to wipe at escaping tears.

"work was rough today." was all he said as he melted at the feeling of your thumbs running back and forth on his cheeks. "oh issei, i'm sorry." you mumbled, kissing the tip of his nose lightly, "is there anything i can do to help?" he didn't know why but something inside of him snapped when you asked him that, and sobs escaped his lips, he could only hide his face in the space between your neck and shoulder because for some reason he felt... ashamed to be crying in front of you like this. "please just hold me." he cried, so you did just that, shushimg him when his sobs got violent, rubbing your hand up and down his back soothingly.

the both of you stood there for a good 15 minutes before you spoke up after he had calmed down a bit, "is there anything you need to get off your chest? you don't have to tell me now or even at all but i want you to know that whatever is bothering you, you can tell me, anything at all. i know your job is mentally exhausting and honestly i dont even know how you do it but i dont want you thinking you have to carry the burden of it alone, okay? i'm so proud of you, so so so proud of you issei, i just wanted you to know that."

you felt him nod in the crook of your neck, a soft, "thank you." sounding shortly after, "of course." you responded, kissing his shoulder a few time.he wasn't sure when he would feel completely ready to get things off his chest but he felt loved knowing that you would always be there to comfort him, and for that he was forever grateful.

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devouringyourson · 3 years

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Hello its First Time Hannibal Anon again. Sorry its been a while, I havent had much tv time recently but lucky for you I was able to finish S2 today. Wow. Wow. Wow. There is so much.

First off, I have to admit that I get why Hannibal fans are Like That. When I'm finished this show I will be devastated because no other show will give me sentences like "I find the trout to be a very Nietzschean fish." What will I do without this nonsense?

Next, Hannibal is the god tier funniest bitch alive. Hey Will your surrogate daughter is here, but what happens next will shock you. *stab* oh, did you have a bad stabby time? Go to your little mind river and die sad about it. Hysterical. (But it was a lil cheap ngl, Abi deserved better.)

The way the police procedural stuff is just gone is so funny. I get why he does it but considering that so much weight is put on how bad the job is for Will at first it was hilarious to have Jack just be like "Will does not work for the FBI but he is here because we love him and almost ruined his life."

And yeah the back half is really where the gay ramps up to 11. Esp with Alana being there like "there is a secret between you two" >.> they're hanging out in front of lit fireplaces speaking in metaphors, Alana, what do you think is going on?

Also Kudos to Jack for being like "maybe Hannibal is a Cannibal" and still going to dinner at this guys house. It's a level of dedication to the job that he definitely isnt being paid enough for. And on that note, double kudos the FBI lady who comes in at the end there with a "hmmm.... this is very illegal actually". I'm glad someone in the FBI cares about due diligence.

Finally, I am almost 30 years old and have only recently learned the phrase "poor little meow meow" and I didnt understand at first and I realised oh... its Will Graham isnt it? At the very least I think Hannibal looks at Will and calls him a little meow meow.

Anyway, I am fascinated to see how S3 goes cos that really felt like an ending. I hope your having a good one and thank you for letting me use your blog as a outlet for my ramblings.

hi!!!! I love your updates never stop. Series 2b will change you for life so I feel you.

I find you so fascinating bc my reaction to these incidents is like ugly crying and sobbing like it's the height of romance but yes it's also very very funny

also personally my poor little meow meow is Hannibal with tears in his eyes as he delivers the "to truth then.. and all its consequences" line but I'm mentally ill

#hannibal watch anon ily #pls always update

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greensaplinggrace · 4 years

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Saw you're post about how much Ada values her own life and that's something I never really thought about before! I think the only time I thought about her feeling of her own value was the end bridge scene when Leon is holding on to her. She looked pretty open to his attempt to save her until she realizes that him trying to save her could result in him falling too. Her "It's not worth it" always sort of translated to me as "I'm not worth it", so just wondering how you interpreted that scene! 1/2

Do you think she saw more value in his life than her own in that instance? (Side note: I know a lot of the anti-Ada people would say she only wanted him to let go bc she knew she was going to live as a part of her diabolical plan, even though there were clear instances in the game that shows she obviously underestimated the severity of the mission she agreed to take on and wasn't fully prepared.) 2/2

---

Tbh I’ve never really thought about it much before recently either, so I’m definitely welcoming comments or asks with other people’s impressions here!

I think that saying she knew she would survive isn’t so far off base. Ada has her grappling hook and we’ve seen her tackle any height with unflappable confidence that she’ll come out unscathed. At the same time, she was about two decades younger in the re2 remake and much less experienced. Leon catching her was probably what saved her as well, if we’re being honest. I doubt her reflexes would have matched up to the speed of her fall or the rate of her realization after the initial surprise when the bridge starts to crumble.

And let’s not forget that Ada looks honestly afraid here.

Like, legitimately afraid.

There are two instances where she looks down and her expression is blocked from Leon where she shows fear. If she were manipulating him, that fear wouldn’t be there when she’s looking away from him and doesn’t need to put on her act. There are (I think, I’ll have to replay this part - and also get better screenshots because all I have right now are the ones that didn’t get fuckng eaten when I reinstalled steam) a few scenes where she is showing fear when looking at Leon. These can be read differently, but I’m of the opinion that at least her last words were sincere. Once I get better screenshots I’ll try to show what I mean, but there’s an instance where she looks up at him after looking down that the fear there is at it’s most honest when facing him. That’s right before her expression shifts into the calm at peace “it’s not worth it” phase, and she tells him to take care of himself.

Her “it’s not worth it” translated to “i’m not worth it” for me as well! I’m curious how many people read that into the scene. Based on what we see of Ada, it isn’t much a reach to interpret that subtext. Especially considering her next words.

And she does have a moment of realization (probably around the same time Leon does lol). So her evaluating her life’s importance versus Leon’s isn’t so far off the mark. Anybody would have to. After all, it’s either one person or two people dying at this point. Any person with even 1% of human decency would choose the obvious option, and we already know Ada possesses at least that much.

I think her value of her own life in this situation versus her value of Leon’s is hard to determine, because Ada’s options here are limited. We already know she’s a good person, if a horribly morally grey one. What could she do, if not ask him to save himself? I’m thinking, ideally, she would let Leon know she has a chance of survival. But Ada’s also an opportunist. This gives her a chance for a fresh start from this absolutely abysmal job fuck up. It also gives Leon the motivation he would need to leave and survive. Believing Ada dead would save him.

She doesn’t want Leon to die, that’s clear. I’m thinking that she doesn’t want Leon to die for her, especially. Which, I think, is where she’s currently at mentally in this scene.

Tbh knowing that antis use her knowledge of her own survival as an excuse to misinterpret and devalue the entire scene is pretty frustrating. Because Ada is afraid in this scene. That fear is definitely not faked. Leon has saved her life again, and her wish for him to survive is sincere. She does value his life here, and more than that she seems to also value his mental health what will happen to him in the future. None of this is faked. And I’m sorry but anybody who actually respects her character can generally tell when she’s lying. Like maybe the characters in the game aren’t supposed to know but it’s pretty clear as day to me when I watch her scenes in any game or movie lmao.

Also this is slightly off topic but I constantly think about how much of a rookie Ada herself was in the re2remake. She didn’t have half the experience she has now, which makes her falling for Leon all the more realistic in terms of her story. Because Leon isn’t just the “somehow changes an experienced and dangerous woman’s entire sense of self” stereotype that usually comes with most depictions of such a relationship. He meets her when she’s young, too. He gets under her skin early. And he stays there for years, cementing their bond with every new meeting. Ada’s feelings for him are genuine and probably incredibly unwanted lmao. I think that she often values his life more than her own and hates that she does, because she knows it’s a dog eat dog world but her feelings won’t let her be as cold as she should be.

So anyways, sorry this response probably wasn’t the best it could have been. Her value of her own life was something I only considered recently as well, and I encourage people to participate a bit more in this discussion! I’d welcome some more opinions or impressions on it to help me work through it.

#re2 remake #ada wong #aeon #leon kennedy #resident evil #resident evil 2 remake

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dar-manda-rjct · 4 years

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A Ginger and Some Ale (Molly O'Shea x Reader)

Pairings: Molly O'Shea x GN!Reader

A/N: *slams fists on table* MOLLY O'SHEA DESERVES THE WORLD AND A COOL GIRLFRIEND TO WISK HER AWAY FROM DUTCH'S STINKY BUTT! THATS ALL. I also listened to "Molly's Lips" by Nirvana because all i wanna do is smooch her-- god she deserves the world and now im rambling SORRY.

Warnings: Manipulation, mental abuse?

BTW: this is gender neutral, i was just thinking about a woman when writing this bc molly needs a loving gf-- OH and fluff, tons of fluff. also, there mite be typos, i only proofread like twice :P

ENJOY!!!

There he was again. Ignoring his beautiful Irish sweetheart for his ex-lover, Susan, as they danced to the blaring gramophone. It could have been a platonic dance for all their audience knew, but that didn't matter. His girlfriend sat on their shared bed with aristocratic class, one pale hand cupped around her bright pocket mirror, fighting to keep her gaze on herself, while the other bit into the various cattle, buck and rabbit pelts that scattered the thin canvas mattress.

The damsel deserved better no doubt. The sophistication in her wardrobe, posture and appearance stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the motley crew of outlaws, assassins and thieves. It was something of a relief to you that she didn't go out on jobs, not in fear she would break a nail or anything. There was a sort of possessive side you had with the refined ginger, the blood always rushing to your face and fists every time Dutch spat something cruel to her.

All she did was love him.

He didn't deserve her.

There was a bit of beer in your system that night, two bottles. An "easy" little job with Bill earlier that day quickly went south, the two of you barely making it out with your lives. You, miraculously made it out with both your life and the money, desperate to get home and drink the adrenaline away.

Molly sighed, biting her scarlet lip and looked away to the lake before getting up and walking to the wet bank. It wasn't a sigh of exasperation, it was quivering, as if tears were threatening to break from a tight knot in her throat.

That did it.

You practically launched off of the chair you sat in, away from the table you acquainted, speed-walking between Strauss and Dutch's tent towards the lake where Molly stood, rocking in place with her arms crossed. Slowing as you approached, you cleared your throat to announce your presence, the Irishwoman whipping around to meet your warm, welcoming gaze.

If anyone else caught her tearing herself up she would usually shuffle away, but not with you. It gave you hope. She stayed at your side wiping at the tears that distorted her vision before they could stream trails down her cheeks and disturb her delicately powdered cheeks. Your fingers played with your gun belt, fumbling idly against the worn leather to try and think of something to say before looking up past the brim of your hat to the lake.

"See how the moon bounces off the water? It doesn't swim in it despite its powerful light. The water's impenetrable," you murmured, kicking at the damp clay with your boot heel, heat migrating to your cheeks as you realized how stupid you sounded.

Molly scoffed, "What'sat got to do with me?" Her shaking tone betrayed her attempt at an inconsolable one, her arms retreating to cross over her chest.

You smiled bittersweetly, the right corner dominating the other, "I'm saying you shouldn't let him walk all over you, miss O'Shea."

She hissed, "Call me Molly. And he isn't walking over me, he's just stressed out recently."

"Please," you spat, "how many times has he promised you, 'Let me get this rope off my neck first,' or 'How could you be so selfish to think about yourself when I got people gunnin' for me!' It's bullshit, Molly."

The woman with copper locks fell silent at your livid snarl, her tongue swiping over her front teeth before swallowing, "He'll change."

"Stop making excuses for him, 'cause he won't." You turned to her, ducking more to her level, your eyes full of urgent sympathy, "He's a grown ass man, sweetpea. If he can't realize the wonderful woman at his side right now then he never will."

Her emerald gaze snapped to you, her brows furrowed, "You think I'm a wonderful woman?"

You scoffed, as if the thought of her thinking otherwise was physically impossible, "Are you kidding? You stay at his side through the thick and thin-- he's got bounty hunters, lawmen and Pinkertons so far up his ass you can see them when he yawns. Yet you risk your life to stay at his side-- and when you ask for something in return he tells you to screw off."

Molly was silent, staring up at you with her painted lips gaped in wonder as her deep green eyes searched your features. It was as if she was sifting your own for a sliver of doubt, there wasn't the smallest grain of it anywhere in your eyes. Your brows were furrowed and your gaze hardened with weighty insistence, your knuckles getting whiter as they coiled tighter around your gun belt. The thought of that greasy chainsmoker looking at Molly as if she were less of a human being made that rage tower higher and higher.

"I don't know what to say," she mumbled, her arms uncrossing, hands falling to play with themselves, green pools retreating to the writhing reflection of the moons light on the lake.

Your eyes danced over her soft features, a warm smile returning across your face at the soft blush over her cheeks, you offered your right hand, "Will you dance with me?"

Molly looked back to you, before glancing back at Dutch, dancing with Susan, a grin falling over his lips underneath his dark moustache, his brown eyes sparkling with amusement. Oh, how it made her insides boil. Finally, she looked back to you, looking down at your hand, her gaped lips melting into a warm smile, green eyes sparkling. It brought a smile to yourself, the fiery hatred for Dutch's behavior immediately snuffed. She was all that mattered right now.

"Yes," her lips parted in a wide smile as she took your hand, the right one moving to your shoulder as your left gently gripped her hip, your eyes never leaving hers.

That smile was sweeter than ale.

#javiescuellx #we writin boys😎👊#mobile tumblr? yes #no cut bc im a noob :]

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smallboyonherbike · 2 years

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it feels v weird to think or write about this bc it doesn't fit in with like a typical narrative but just with it recently being my birthday and the end of the year coming up i'm doing some Reflecting and it just feels really good and cool for me to have been sober for about a year. idk the exact date bc it wasn't a conscious decision at first, i was already someone who drank like maybe once a month and only socially and then with living alone and being alone a lot in pandemmy times, the last few times i did drink i was like i just feel like nauseous and horrible and sad after half a drink. and it wasn't a grand thing of okay i'm Sober now but just the longer i didn't drink the better i felt about it.

and not to sound like an annoying freak but going out with my friends while they're drunk i feel like i can p easily get on the giggly fun level just from atmosphere. literally i'm the "i'm high on life!!" straight edge bitch lmao.

idk it's just wild to think about how much has changed for me in every aspect of life since pre pandemic. i was at yet another job at the hotel that gave me constant stress w a bigoted boss and had some pretty low times mentally. getting laid off for the second time in life was really depressing and i never do well unemployed but now i really do enjoy my job and see HR as something i could do for a good while, if not this specific job then other ones in the field. like i wasn't specifically looking for HR but once i decided i didn't want to get a library masters my dream forever was any kind of office/admin type work bc i know that's what i'm good at. and i basically fell into it by accident getting hired for a temp job that led them to hire me full time. like i TRULY hate the whole everything happens for a reason type of outlook bc sometimes life just fucking sucks and is tragic and there's no reason but i am trying to be more optimistic or appreciate the bright side. i was real worried at first about living alone but now i've done it for over a year and i fucking love it. there's times i get lonely but i've been pretty good esp this year in making sure i hang out IRL w friends and talk to ppl and i'm out walking my dog every day which is v impt for my mental health truly.

idek what i'm trying to say i've just been thinking a lot about how i'm in a pretty good space in life!! and looking back to me as a teen i have so much compassion for how angry and sad and lonely and depressed i was and could not see out of my huge emotions to even try to get help or relate to ppl. or 2016 when i had my break up i thought my whole world was ending and i was completely alone in the universe. i guess i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's not that i don't have bad moments or weeks where i feel like shit or get stressed but just being able to look back at this year and feel like overall it was one of the most positive of my life feels cool.

#megamazing #idek what i'm saying just got head full of thoughts so i gotta get 'em out #alcohol tw

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someobscurereference · 7 years

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fe anon here! Woah I'm actually crying your answer was so Intense and just So Much. Thank you! I love hearing your thoughts on their relationships. Out of curiosity tho, I sent an ask a while back about whether or not you'd be willing to share some more headcanons on how the Nohrian sibs+Beruka and Niles would interact with/react to the deaged awakening trio (and vice versa)? Bc I know u weren't sure you'd continue. Did Tumblr eat that? If ur comfortable talking about it I'd still love to know!

Oh, no, Tumblr absolutely ate that! My inbox is empty 99% of the time, so I definitely would have remembered something like that. If I don’t answer something within a few days, definitely feel free to re-send any asks because that means I didn’t see it!

As a whole, the kids would be wayyyy more wary of the Nohrians right off the bat, even if they’re told what happened and they believe it. They’d be like, “Really? A world without Risen?” and everyone else would say, “what the fuck is a Risen” and then they’d shut up real fast because these are Strangers. All three would probably be convinced they were actually in Plegia somehow until proven otherwise.

Also, they’d still want to fight because that’s what they’ve been used to their whole lives, but the war is probably over at this point? So it’s just wandering packs of bandits and Faceless to take care of, and if one of the Royal Sibs or even someone the Trio knows goes out to take care of Faceless, the Trio wants to go too because they’re used to protecting their home and they feel restless and anxious to just be sitting around doing nothing.

“No?” Literally everyone else says. “You’re like fourteen???”

“Yeah, and so’s Elise?” the Trio says, even though Elise is a few years older by this point. “It’s the same thing. But we actually have swords.”

“It’s different.”

“It absolutely isn’t.”

It’s uncomfortable for everyone.

Also if they actually did sneak away and fight a Faceless, they’d probably be very efficient about it and work together really well, despite bickering almost 24/7 amongst each other in every other minute of every day. Risen are undead, so they don’t “die” the way most enemies would, and Faceless, though without souls, don’t work the same way? A Faceless is bigger but it will fall if you slice it enough times, unlike a Risen that takes extra effort and energy. So Faceless are actually a little easier to kill, but the fact these 13/14 year olds have so much experience fighting to kill would probably bother anyone that thought about it for 0.2 seconds. “Like. I know we grew up in Nohr, but that’s Not Good.”

Fighting bandits is a different story, and I think if the Trio had to see actual humans hurting other humans, it would mess them up a lot because they came from a time where everyone who didn’t work as a group probably died already? Since lone figures cannot win against a pack of Risen by themselves. So humans vs humans is not anything they really think about until now. Laslow and Odin would probably take this extra hard because their moms were pretty caring and kind people (especially as healers/dancers, whose job it is to help and encourage people), while this would also fuck with Selena but she maybe got a talking to a little more explicitly from her mother or father before they left. (I’m taking this from Laslow’s conversation with Odin in…either the Hot Spring or Harvest Scramble DLC, where Laslow admits that taking his first human life after jumping through time nearly destroyed him because that wasn’t something he thought he’d ever have to do.)

Honestly, living is a peaceful world without fighting is probably the most important thing for their mental health.

Odin

I’ve been lowkey thinking about this for a long time, but Odin would probably gravitate towards Elise a lot? Both because she has a very accepting and bubbly personality (she RP’d with Odin just because it was cool, and now they’re even closer in age so she’d probably do it again) and honestly she probably reminds him of Lissa. Straight up. Blond hair, pigtail style, youngest sibling, healer, cares a lot, etc. Even if he hadn’t recently lost his mom (which was probably semi-recently, since I hc Lissa being the last to go in the doomed timeline), he still would gravitate towards her. So they chill a lot.

Leo is probably like lowkey jealous? Because Odin isn’t as interested in him anymore whereas he’d been totally devoted as an adult. He just wants to chill with Elise and other “cool” people and sometimes be by himself to fight imaginary enemies, so Leo actually gets a little more grumpy. Plus Odin uses swords now? Even though Leo had figured out Odin hadn’t used tomes all his life, it was still something they connected on and now this kid is insisting that swords and swordsmen are the coolest (like Xander) and Leo is very :/// about it. (Until maybe Odin sees Leo use Brynhilder and gets all starry eyed. Doubly so if you hc Odin’s dad as a mage. Leo coughs and blusters and pretends it’s not super strange to be the loudly admired person out of all his sibs for once.)

Niles would put on a big teasing front for Odin and probably follow him around a lot even though Odin probably is really distrustful of him, both because he loves annoying little punk kid Odin who takes himself so seriously and because Niles feels like he has to make sure Odin doesn’t run off and hurt himself. (Either Leo or Niles is always hanging around Odin, actually, or at least has someone they trust watching all three kids because magic is strange and they don’t want anything bad happening because the kids got spooked in this new world or something.)

Actually Niles probably spends the most time keeping an eye on Odin because of that interaction they had when Odin was first de-aged, as Odin’s reaction was so uncharacteristic of his adult self. He’s actually concerned about the kind of world Odin grew up in, and he might not pry too hard, but he’s definitely keeping an eye and ear out for any concerning stuff.

(Odin, meanwhile, thinks Niles is Evil because he’s a creepy guy who keeps following Odin around and he’s heard bad rumors about Niles and Odin’s brain is insistent that this guy Has To Be A Villain.)

(Maybe that changes, but they’d have to have some kind of heart-to-heart first. Maybe because Odin really does go too far and Niles has to pull him out of some trouble.)

Selena

Camilla probably wants to dote on Selena pretty hard, but Selena is Not Having It.

“But this will wear off soon, and it’s not every day I get to see my darling retainer so young and cute,” Camilla coos. “Just enjoy yourself. When you’re an adult again, I’ll having you running errands again in no time.”

Selena: “I don’t know you!! You’re not my mom!! Stop acting like it!”

Camilla, serious: “I’m absolutely not your mother and never will be/want to be.” (Back to cheerful) “But that doesn’t mean we can’t do X/Y/Z together.”

Basically she treats Selena a lot of the same way she treated baby Corrin, only Selena resists it a lot more. As time goes by and they realize through context clues that the Trio actually had a really rough life, Camilla maybe has a few conversations with her about what it’s like to grow up in a world where you can die at any moment and the whole world is out to get you (Selena via the Risen/Grima and Camilla via assassins/the other mothers of her half-siblings and Garon’s wives.) It’s a tough life, and Camilla gets where Selena’s need to fight and get better is coming from.

Beruka probably doesn’t really have any experience with children at this point? She doesn’t know what to do except treat Selena or the others like smaller adults, which Selena actually appreciates a lot but also maybe stresses her out a bit.

When they first meet, Selena looks up at Beruka (probably not too far because Selena is really Tall for her age and also in general and Beruka is probably shorter than adult Selena) and says, “So you’re Lady Camilla’s retainer like me, right?”

“Correct,” Beruka says. Because it is.

“Am I a better retainer than you?” Selena demands, hands on her hips, and Beruka. Stares. Because it’s really driving home that Selena’s insecurities started Young.

(Also if Subaki is ever around, she probably hates his guts because he has red hair like her mom and is viewed as “perfect” because he strives to be so all the time and it makes her too uncomfortable and she Hates It. Niles loves laughing at this 13/14 year old girl chewing the hell out of this grown ass man just for existing.)

Laslow

Laslow is super short, worse about hiding his shyness than he was at twenty-something, and stumbles sometimes when talking to adults (especially beautiful people and people with a lot of power, so Xander is a double-whammy, but so is half the army), but by golly, does he try to flirt with anything that breathes. He’s not as smooth as his adult self, but sometimes he pulls off some okay lines. Even though everyone is like “You…are a child.”

(Laslow gets that he’s a kid and he doesn’t even usually flirt seriously as an adult, but when people keep using that line on him even when he’s trying to do some good and fight, he gets really internally frustrated because he wasn’t a child when everyone died and he had been fighting a war where half the army was his age, was he? Lot of complex feelings there.)

Xander can Relate a lot because he was also super shy as a child and if this is how Laslow overcomes that in his own way (especially since this was apparently his mother’s advice, who Laslow values a lot), Xander doesn’t really want to be the one to stop him. But also he is Exasperated because he keeps getting complaints that this bratty 14 year old is flirting with half the women in the army and town and can he Not??? Can Laslow just chill for like two minutes?? Is there no better solution????

Sometimes he helps teach Laslow how to spar properly, just like he did for Corrin and his other sibs, and he respects Laslow’s apparent drive to protect others and sees somewhat through Laslow’s cheerful, flirty facade to the more struggling kid underneath.

Peri coos over Laslow a bit, but he’s not big enough to fight with her/by her side anymore and she doesn’t want to kill him, so there’s not a ton they can do together. She watches him when told to, though, and sometimes even withought even being told, and they manage to get a long surprisingly well. (She’s a great cook and sometimes shares her snacks with him, and they bond through that.)

All three kids probably interact the same way they did with each other as immature people, so they actually don’t get along very well? When not in immediate danger? Like Odin’s bffs were Cynthia and Brady, probably. He and Laslow keep getting into brawls, which is… mildly concerning, actually. Laslow keeps stealing his journals (”It’s not a diary! Give it back!” “It absolutely is, and no”) and Odin keeps insulting him. Selena and Laslow don’t get along because Laslow is too flirty and Selena thinks he’s just making fun of her. She’s a little better with Odin (who in their FE13 support I think was said to have still treated her with kindness, even when she was mean to him) but she keeps getting flustered and fed up with his antics and growing up?? Is so hard??? It’s so hard, and nobody understands.

The difference between getting along as kids and how they get along as adults is astounding.

(All three of them worry about their friends back home, even though they don’t say anything. Supposedly those guys and gals are all adults now too, but?? Who’s gonna walk Noire to the bathroom at night? Who’s gonna protect Brady? Who’s gonna make sure Gerome doesn’t become too much a loner and die???? They Worry.)

(If you wanted me to expand on something more specific, let me know!)

EDIT: Also one of the kids at some point definitely asks how old they were and get old “like 25” and they are all Shocked. Like. One of them (probably Odin, who also expected to die a heroic death by 16) says aloud “I made it to 20??!??” shocked.

Everyone else takes a moment to compose themselves and remind themselves that there’s a lot they don’t know about these three

#my text #asks #fe14 #long post

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borderlinebastard · 5 years

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1/? Tw - Shot in the dark maybe, but do you ever feel like... You're not good at anything (bc no real personality, and it constantly changes) and so there's Literally No Point to continuing to live? Because that's how I'm feeling, especially the past couple of weeks. Like I know what I WANT in life but I'm quite literally 1) too ugly 2) too fat/scarred 3) sorely untalented 4) underprivileged and 5) mentally fucked to ever achieve that thing, because only like 1% of the world ever will anyway.

2/? And it's HEARTBREAKING because if all of those things weren't true about me, then I could probably achieve said thing. Like yeah, I could lose weight, but I'd never look "normal" even if I did bc stretch marks, loose skin, etc. I'd never look good, in my own opinion. It'll always hold me back. And yeah, I could practice and work really hard to get better at That Thing that I'm passionate about, but I'd never be even a fraction as good as I'd NEED to be to excell. Ygm?

3/? Plus having a brain that's bad + being underprivileged means no access to mental health-care, and even if I wasn't underpriv, there's still no therapists in my city and I can't ever move bc no skills for a good job, no passion for anything other than that One Thing. I just feel so so hollow and empty constantly, and like I periodically go through the 5 stages of grief × 12838384 when I realize these things. I just feel like there's no point in continuing to live if I can’t be who I want to be?

4/? And like maybe it sounds stupid/immature/delusional but another thing that's really hard to deal w/is the fact that I'm so in love w/this one artist (not just for the fact that hes immensely talented but bc he's a gr8 person too), and even if by any miracle I were able to end up with him (or anyone that's even a fraction as talented), I still have to contend with the fact that I'm so! boring! and talentless and uninspiring and not worth keeping around for anyone. Ygm?

5/? This is so long, sorry lmao. Idk, I just hate it when people are like "you can do anything you put your mind to, nothing can stop you if you work hard enough!! 1!" but that's a lie. Or maybe it isn't, but they mean being doctors or lawyers or having a normal family or something like that. It's such useless, pseudo-motivational bullshit. I could never settle for less than what I want more than anything, that's just who I am. Maybe it's just the bpd talking, but it's just how I feel.

6/6 It's something that I'm super embarrassed about, it sounds silly and immature and I feel like that's my biggest secret. Not the darkest, but. I could never talk to a therapist or anyone irl about this, because it just makes me feel ridiculous. I think this is also why no treatment that I've ever had really helps, bc it's the one thing that can't be fixed. I'm losing my will to live year by year, I've lost most of my youth to bad mh, and I'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way?

Hi anon, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. You don’t have to worry about being embarrassed by it. Because it’s pretty much guaranteed that if you’ve had a thought: someone else has already had it before. And I think it’d be a good idea to bring these thoughts up with a therapist if you get the chance.

I’m also struggling with my weight and mental health, seeing as I weigh over 200lbs and have been trying to get help for my mental health for years but therapy hasn’t done shit, and I’m too poor to afford private healthcare. I’m half asleep right now, but I’ll do my best to reply.

From what I can tell, you’re catastrophising (you’re guessing how things will turn out), beating yourself up for things that aren’t your fault, comparing your life to others, and have really high expectations of yourself. But it’s understandable why you feel as though you have to be “fixed” and have the thoughts that you do. Because you don’t feel good and not feeling good isn’t good, or so we’ve been told.

This is really hard for me to give advice on. Because like I said, I’m dealing with it too. What am I supposed to say, “Yeah maybe you’ll always be ugly, but you either deal with it or find a way to fix it.”? But I think you need to have some.. emotional goals before trying to reach your bigger ones. Like learning to love your own body, learning to want to be healthy rather than attractive, redefining what attractive means to you, etc. Yeah it’s cheesy as fuck but if you haven’t been achieving what you want you gotta find another way to do it, y’know?

And that attitude of not wanting to settle for anything less is because you’re a perfectionist or a bit narcissistic (I’m both too). Needing to excell and inspire others and be the most interesting is making your goals further than they need to be.. You probably know this, but you haven’t challenged it.

There are people who have been in your position and achieved their goals but you’re letting your challenges decide things for you. People only go to therapy when they’re ready to have their beliefs challenged and changed. It’s goal is to challenge everything negative you think about yourself and it won’t work until you start to do that a bit by yourself.

I recently got kicked out of therapy because I felt like they couldn’t help me, that it was the equivalent to writing in a diary, when in reality I wasn’t putting in the work to challenge my beliefs, because I was clinging onto them so tightly and getting mad when anybody tried to alter the way I see reality. I was gaslighting myself and convincing myself that my childhood “wasn’t that bad” and telling myself I wasn’t working hard enough despite my achievements. I wasn’t letting myself change my mind. To call myself attractive, competent, or interesting while I’m like this is blasphemy!

So lately I’ve been forcing myself to accept that good enough is good enough even when it doesn’t feel genuine. Eating a banana and going for walks isn’t going to make people chase me down to get a kiss, but at least I’d fit into my clothes better, and that’s enough. It doesn’t feel like enough but I’m telling myself it is anyway. It’s basically a “fake it til you make it” attitude and I HATE it.

But when I have people telling me I’m doing more than what’s expected, should I really trust that thought of “I’m not good enough” and that feeling of “out of place discomfort”? I guess I’m saying maybe you should stop listening to that voice that’s telling you who you want to be. If it’s a goal you can’t accomplish it’s not a goal, it’s a fantasy.You want to die because you have a fantasy you don’t expect to attain? Think about it.

And I mean, along the way you might find solutions that you hadn’t expected to find, like I said other people have had the same challenges/goals and found a way to do things like get job skills and how to prevent loose skin. Learn from them, maybe even talk to them.

I think mainly, you have to stop relying on your imagination in order to set goals. There’s always going to be a difference between what you want and what you end up getting, but it doesn’t mean that what you end up getting isn’t worth anything!

And god, I’m so sorry if this sounds like dumb motivational bullshit. Really, I am. It’s thoughts like these that keep me going, not the You Can Do Anything American Dream crap. But things like questioning myself and reflecting and forcing myself to see every angle of a situation.

I’m still trying to get myself out of this mess, and I do understand how you feel even if my ramble suggests otherwise.

#asks #anon #long post #Anonymous

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