#i dont even know what to say. its mental illness luv | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nahalism · 9 months

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Did you ever experience some kind of…almost debilitating anxiety? I’m talking of months or + gnawed and exhausted by fear and both mental and physical sensations that come with it. How did/do you move through it

luv

a long one in advance but lol yh bare times. ill answer ur question, but there's two sides to the route i took and i have 2 preface with everything i did and do is based off of what i feel is right for me at the time. it doesnt mean its right though, and im very aware of that, so ill share some parts, but ultimately each person has is their own experience. the first step to moving through something, is looking for answers so like.. deeper than whatever i have to say, the answer is not in my answer, its in the fact u want answers

anyway. throwback to 6 ish years ago, i was having a breakdown breakthru and i started viewing what i called anxiety, as hyper vigilance. i started to see i was using a way of perceiving reality, along with my ability for analysis, to create correlations between my present, based on my perception of the past, to determine/predict the future (both futile and fallible), not cause i wanted to know what was going to happen, but because i thought keeping account of all possible outcomes gave me control and control would keep me safe and stop me experiencing a version of life i didnt want to go back to (more specifically it stopped me feeling helpless & inconsequential). as i understood that, along with the traumas at the root of my hyper vigilance, and the anxiety (social and general cause they r v separate), i recognised that i wanted control because i wasn't confident i could take charge or respond to reality without immense preparation. on top of that, i was resisting the fact that i was anxious because i was calling the symptoms i was experiencing my anxiety, but the real anxiety was the way i thought, and i was actually addicted to thinking in that way, because even though i hated it, and what it did to my body/nervous system, it was protecting my ego by giving me a false sense of control.

so that was my first step. i began to take action from where i was, as i was. that meant listening to what made me anxious. for example, if a place or person made me anxious, i didnt interact or go. i validated myself and what i was feeling. & i dont mean that in an avoidant sense, ill say why in a second. but yeah i validated what i was feeling, and began to see that the more i gave myself permission to be who i was, and do what i wanted unapologetically, the less direct anxiety id experience. and that sounds like an easy decision to have made in hindsight but usually, the change a persons anxious to make is something that in the moment requires a huge leap of faith but seems inevitable in hindsight. anyway, that's when i really realised that i was anxious because i was living an inauthentic life based on premeditation rather than presence. i had/have concurrent ptsd, so there were a lot of emotions i hadn't felt in a long time without realising, like passion or genuine laughter, happiness, joy, peace. id literally forgotten anything but this autopilot need to protect myself, be there for the people that had been there for me and stay alive. in giving myself permission to be different from who i had been, i started to see the world free from what my past dictated it should be and everything started to open up as as a consequence. side note, id been studying metaphysics and philosophy since 6 form, and i can't underestimate how much the principles i learned there helped me transmute my situation. ive recommended all those books in here before, so u can find them, but yeah . it sounds pretty and idyllic and as essy as 'changing my mind' but it was fucking brutal. i transformed in every sense of the word i lost almost everything in the process. there were wins along the way but 90% of them were silver linings of my own deciding. however, nothing i lost needed to stay! and everything i chose to go through or was subjected to led me to understand me and opened options as to how i could cultivate a beautiful and real inner life that eventually began to bleed out into the 'real' world.

the dark side of that, which is how i reached most of those revelations and insights, is the experiential bit that i can't communicate. i literally put myself through hell, and i can type till my fingers fall of and still never convey the full picture of how what why when, but yh. when i said i listened to my anxiety, i meant that literally. as i said before, i didnt allow myself to be avoidant. so if there was a reason i didnt want to do something, i honoured it, but lets say the only obstacle to me doing something was my anxiety, id force myself to do it, to the point of masochism. literally, i was obsessed. day in day out i was reading on self improvement, i studied every religion, researched philosophers, listened to hour long lectures on youtube, i did everything i could do to understand myself, my mind, life, and how to reprogram what i was experiencing. at the same time as this i used to myself in situations that would trigger panic attacks, or dissociative episodes and find ways to 'function' through it. one that worked very well was smoking weed, sometimes alone, sometimes in bad company. weed gave me severe panic attacks at the time, so when i was on my own, id smoke to induce panic attacks so i could meditate, breathe, draw, write, literally do whatever helped to bring myself through the panic attack. then when i felt capable with that, id smoke in bad company and practice with the pressure of being in front of people and there would be times id b having full blown panic attacks in front of people, sometimes with, but usually without them knowing and the whole time was just training myself to understand or pay attention to my mental patterns, training myself to calm myself down, to reach a zone where i could see through what was triggering me, or at the very least just firm it. and the more i did that, the more i understood why i was dissociating, or collapsing, or having chest pains, hyperventilating all that shit. the more i understood, the more i reeeaaally understood, and then i got to a point where even though the trigger is there lol, it still exists, but when it gets pulled i can hold the explosion. because i feel it happening, i see it happening, but it happens to something within me and not to me now? and so i kind of watch it and love and appreciate it for what learning to temper it taught me. its like a familiar old friend has its quirks that i wouldn't change for the world and yh idk im just rambling i need to go to bed. but basically i stopped being debilitated by anxiety by living in complete debilitation of it until it couldn't debilitate me any more. id be lying if i didnt say it drove me to very dark, lonely, appearance of being semi crazy states of being, but it was worth it and still is.

without the period of isolation the second half of what i described put me through, i couldnt have found realignment cause i wouldnt have seen how incorrect my projection of my past onto the future was, or how to correct it. & deep it, if all u know is death misery lack poverty shortage economic & social insecurity, then all u can see for the future is that. once u open ur eyes and see urself and the world for what is u can start playing. it wasnt easy, and im still not over being anxious. but its not debilitating, just an uneasy emotion. & the way i see it at this point, its just my inner system seeing something what my eyes dont & making me aware. when i listen im redirected, and can find alignment. when i dont it gets worse, and the only way out is to be numb. but i wanna live and i cant live numb. hope i answered, love <3

#ask

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hatsunerandal · 1 year

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whoever asked for my lockwood and co playlist, you are in for it :)

so ive decided to give the link to the playlist as well as come up with scenarios for each song so this is. gonna be a big doc. (also book spoilers)

heres the link to the actual playlist (ps if anyone knows the artist please let me know!!)

luv l8r - mom jeans im going to be honest, stole this from a fic, not much to say, just a song that reminds me of them

september - sparky deathcap the instrumental just gives cozy vibes, like something theyd listen to together whilst reading in the library, possibly cuddled up on the couch who knows. maybe even a cheeky little george pops in to bring them more tea, and sees them cuddled up on the couch and smiles before leaving the tea at the door as not to disturb them (alternatively: he joins them bc romantic locklyle + qpr george is a wonderful thing)

buzzcut season - lorde LOOK IDK ITS JUST SO THEM I CANT EXPLAIN IT THEYRE JUST SO. its a song with such a nostalgic feeling and i feel like it fits them, its a sort of montage song, at least to me. its a song that reminds me that theyre kids, because they really are just kids being put in these awful situations.

stars will fall - duster yet another library song, less romantic this time id guess, more just all 3 of them reading respectively in the library. lockwood probably reading old newspapers, lucy some sort of novel, and george either reading his comics or researching for a case.

drip drip drip fall - ewy a lockwood song, do with that what thou shalt :)

main character syndrome - wilbur soot another lockwood song. hes got main character syndrome and we all know it. seems a kipps vs lockwood sort of song yk? the lines "its not a problem its his niche" and "he smiles with only half his face" feel so very lockwood to me.

evans song - flower face OMLGFHKJGFHKJFJGH. its lucys song to lockwood. we get plenty of lockwood being a pathetic simp, but what about lucy? "to think i thought ive loved before, to think i fought so many wars" feels like a lucy line. she loved norrie (romantically and platonically (personal hc)), but shes never loved someone the way shes loved lockwood. theyve saved eachother countless times. i love them <3

shadow moses - bring me the horizon my playlist is. all over the place and you can really tell with this one. im not really sure specifics for this one but its definitely an angsty song so something along the lines of lucy getting ghost locked and lockwood panicking -> "can you tell from the look in her eyes/we're going nowhere"

call me what you like - lovejoy feels very "lockwood using holly as a replacement for lucy after she leaves" sort of deal. i will go more in depth on this one if anyone would like but i fear it may make the post longer than it needs to be just please dont attack me over this dhfdfgkjg.

a pearl - mitski HMHMMHMHMH necklace. the pearl is the necklace, lockwood is the war, shes fallen so deep in love. again this is post her leaving, pre her return. shes in an inn somewhere swirling the necklace around her fingers, missing him more than anything, thinking he didnt want her there. pain :D.

long long time - linda ronstadt MWAHKAHKJDFG this ones for the tlou fans. yall know :)

under the weather - corpse like i said. very all over the place playlist. yet another lockwood angst song, probably some sort of sickfic type deal, but more lockwood needs a mental health day and lucy (+ possibly george, depending on your personal hc (i am so mentally ill for romantic locklyle + george qpr)) caring for him and just. cozy vibes but also really sad bc <33

all we ever wanted was everything - bauhaus RAHHH SHOW CANON SONG. its just so them <33

blue hair - tv girl YOU CANT TELL ME THIS ISNT A LOCKWOOD SONG ITS SO HIM CMON. minus. the. misogyny yk

chemistry - kimya dawson lucy song [everyone gasps]. 'how did we end up here?/you said happenstance' hmshdhrg lucy asking lockwood how they ended up in the Consensual Workplace Relationship and they just talk and talk and talk afterwords, probably sometime late morning yk cozy just woke up vibes.

clementine - elliott smith herrhfhf scrungly soft locklyle vibes in the morning, waking up together, getting ready for the day together, they end up dancing in the kitchen to this song smiles i love them cries wails sobs

bouquet - ichiko aoba do i know what shes saying other than the flowers? no!!! is it cozy vibes? yes!! they are falling asleep after a long day listening to it i cant explain why

empire ants - gorillaz ft little dragon i. honestly do not know. another song similar to buzzcut season, feels like a reminder that theyre just kids. very well may be a lucy breakdown song who knows :)

it will come back - hozier we got our first hozier song boys. lucy leaving, lockwood breakdown, listening to this on repeat hoping wishing praying that she'll come back. wishing more than anything.

rule #27 - drunk on pride - fish in a bird cage lockwood is constantly drunk on pride, everyone knows it, everyone feels it. this is probably something along the lines of lucy and george being worried for him as he goes into a particularly dangerous job, fully confident and all to prideful. he comes out of it alive, but damaged.

tree hugger - kimya dawson im a bitch for kimya dawsona and fluffy ships but this also is a sort of 'they all wish they where somewhere else, but are happy with eachother too' kind of thing which proabably doesnt make much sense bUT IT MAKES SENSE TO ME OK CSHHSHSHSH

https://open.spotify.com/track/1F9f5t7GZk7aJZNGZIbfqP?si=c653de10148f4de5 <- link because youre nuts if you think im attempting to type out morse code lockwood just being a pathetic simp. probably watching her dance in the kitchen, late at night when neither of them are supposed to be awake, admiring everything about her till he eventually joins in on the dancing, they dance together into early hours of the morning before she carries him (YEA SHE CARRIES HIM WHAT ABOUT IT) up the stairs to lockwoods room, where they sleep for the rest of the day :>

locked out of heaven - bruno mars Ik the song is relatively sexual but we arent going there dw. just more lockwood being a hopeless romantic and being wildly in love with lucy, lucy is his heaven and he wishes to be nowhere else but with her at all times.

teenage dream - katy perry yk i had too. again, theyre teenagers, they act like teenagers. probably the song playing in lucys/lockwoods head constantly because shes just so giddy about their silly teenage love.

answering machine - ruby haunt to much happiness, angst now. a song lucy had on repeat walking the streets of london early in the morning to get coffee after she had left lockwood and co. maybe even walking past portland row, missing it dearly. little does she know, lockwood sees her, he hasnt slept a bit since lucy left, he usually just stares out the window into the night. but one day, he sees her walking past. he doesnt get out of bed that morning.

sleep thru ur alarms - lontalius i said we where done with happiness. more lockwood mental health issues but this time its the aftermath. lucy sitting in her room after a particularly bad fight with lockwood that had turned into him collapsing in her arms. shes just thinking about everything he said.

the first punch - pierce the veil im gonna be honest i meant to take this one out but its just there now i got nothin im low on gas and you need a jacket - pierce the veil i think lucy just like this one idk

heart-shaped box - nirvana lockwood feeling awful about asking lucy for help, sitting in his room thinking about it.

safeword - tv girl lucy telling lockwood about her time in her old town. about her old home.

fine - lemon demon me when i have like 8 million songs abt them being teenagers doing silly teenager things.

chloroform girl - polkadot cadaver UR GONAN TRY AND TELL ME THIS ISNG LOCKWOODS MUSIC TASTE BE FUCKOING QUIET he likes this song :)

swear to god the devil made me do it - the front bottoms god tfb is just so lockwoodcore. its just so him i cant explain it you understnad me maybe hopefully

flying model rockets - the front bottoms HOHOHOHOHOHOHO so lockwood dont you think. dont. dont you think. please agree with me.

blondie - current joys more cozy library/morning vibes. maybe some soft domestic little kisses as a treat.

young - vacations back to the angst. more pining and mourning after lucy leaves hee hee.

pretty boy - the neighborhood HES A PRETTY BOY SHE THINKS HES A PRETTY BOY THEY ARE PRETTY TOGETHER I LOVE HTEM CRIES CRIES CRIES

pretty boy - tv girl be quiet ik they have the same name they are so drastically differnet vibes. something something lucy thinking shes not good enough for lockwood bc she grew up poor and he was a rich little bastard /aff. but yea late night angst

it almost worked - tv girl RRUUFUFU angst they are so sad sad little people lucy is a sad little lass in her tiny little town she will never get out sobs.

space song - beach house wails cries sobs screams them. i will not elaborate.

golden hour - JVKE oh my GODD lockwood is such a hopeless fucking simp. hes such a stupid hopeless little simp. for her and her only all he looks at is her shes the best thing ever shes so beautiful all he does is take her in. they are in love.

who is she - i monster he doesnt believe she exists. shes not real. shes in his dreams. hes having a breakdown :)

always forever - the cults back to happy!! they are in love!!! always forever!! they will be together forever!!!!

gilded lily - cults SOBS SCREAMS CRIES WAILS EATS THEM THEYRE JUST KDIS THEYRE FORCED TO DO THIS HORRIBLE JOB BUT HTEY ARE JUST CHOLDREN THEYRE JSJSUT KIDS DJFGHJHA

pretty when you cry - lana del rey god theyre so sad. george lucy comfort lockwood that is all thank you.

carmen - lana del rey oh deary. oh lockwood oh my poor bbg

paper doll - flower face this is so lucy. shes a fragile paper doll and lockwood cares for her. but she feels like shes not enough she feels unworthy. lockwood is to good for her.

the night we met - lord huron OH MY GODDDD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD theyre so they mean so much to me im crying you understand i dont need to explain.

paper doll - flower face this is so lucy. shes a fragile paper doll and lockwood cares for her. but she feels like shes not enough she feels unworthy. lockwood is to good for her.

angela - flower face can you tell i like flower face. remember lockwood being a hopeless simp?? lucys turn!! lucys turn!!!!!!! shes so simp shes so simp but in such a sad way shes os in love with him but shes so worried he'll leave.

spiracle - flower face hee hoo hee hoo lockwood breakdown. more lockwood breakdowns, but this time its before he and lucy where together. its just him panicking late at night about his love for lucy, afraid he'll end up killing her with his love because nothing good comes from letting people in.

jupiter - flower face THEY FEEL SO SAFE TOGETHER THEY ARE HOME TOGETHER THEY ARE EACHOTHERS HOME. lucys home is with lockwood and george at portland row :DDDDDD

small world - jack stauber cozy coffee run vibes ykyk domesticity

death cup - mom jeans 'i think its bout time i warned you i might cry in front of you' oh come ON thats so lockwood this entire song is just lockwood opening up to lucy.

legit tattoo gun - the front bottoms lockwood tfb agenda is spreading.

insomniac - memo boy lockwood insomniac real hes so not sleep the dark circles are so visible im. emotionally unstable.

post to long. need part 2.

#lockwood and co #locklyle #lucy carlyle #anthony lockwood #george karim

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eggtwobroes · 1 year

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frenrye

i dont evem know who these guys ARE!

jokes aside though i luv frenrey. frenrey means alot to me which sounds kind of funny to say. its an inside joke to several friend groups (3 friendgroups i can think of off the top of my head). its a comfort. it makes me unironically nauseous if i think about it in bad contexts. i couldnt look at it for a little bit due to bad associations. it also helped me figure out alot about myself (mostlu helped me figure out that im. fictoromantic </3)

alot of text under the cut sorry. WATCH OUT! (ship ask game)

as for what it means to me personally, at first i was annoying with hlvrai. i had the worst possible characterizations yiu could possibly conjure up because i wanted to frankenstein every fucking ao3 trait for benrey and gordon together because i thought that was the way to characterize them. i was also 13 so whatever. i also projected onto benrey HARD which made him more annoying and me more annoying also. at some point i projected too hard and got nauseous with the ship cuz i convinced myself that i was projecting trauma about my ex friends onto them.??? which was weird but i ended up reaching some closure regarding those ex friends a little while ago and also at the time i realised "hm. no this is stupid" and moved on. then i got on tumblr and became a bigger frenrey fan (really funny to say) and it started meaning more to me... my characterizations got better ovr time (same with my art) and everything was goung well. i had friends who liked frnerey and also i liked frenrey myself. peace and love on planet autism. and then the thing in june happened when my now ex friend told me something about literally everyone in The Frenrey Discord server which caused alot of stuff that i wont explain cuz i think you guys know it by now. that was embarrassing. i also couldnt look at frenrey because i associated it with that and it made me sick to my stomach to think about. at some point i got normaler and less mentally ill and stuff. frenrey also became a relaly big inside joke in my friend groups and stuff <3 i dont really make as much frenrey art as i used to now since im more of a darnrey enthusiast at this point but thats cuz i did figure out im fictoro bcuz of it (shoutout to my wife. girdon)

other than what it personally means 2 me its also a really funny dynamic. guy shows up and starts pestering you the WHOLE FUCKING DURATION of the worst days of ur life. claims he used to know you when you were kids (you fucking didnt). and ur brains response to this is "lets kiss with tongue" its so funny. in canon context its like. this guy plays a game and meets the most fucking insufferable npc of his life and falls in love with him when hes literally not even tangible. how do you store that much emotion towards a character from a game you could just turn off dude. theyre both pathetic i think. their dynamic is kinda hard to describe. i think its funny when benreys head over heels for this guy that hates his guts. i think its funny if they both hate eachothers guts and are simultaneously thinking "i hope this guy fucking goes to hell. i bet he wants to kiss me. good thing i dont want that". i think its funny if benrey doesnt care about gordon at all and just harasses him cuz he thinks its funny and gordons like "god this guy sucks. would it be weird if i kissed him. id hate that probably". idk its a very fun ship to play around with its very flexible.. they fit as queerplatonic, romantic, AND platonic. they work out in game and nongame scenarios. they work in aus because theyre opposites. its so fun. im like dr frankenstein and frenrey is my frankensteins monster that i test on just to see what happens and what works best. idk how else to end this paragraph and continue to the next one sorry

mre related to the first bit about how theyre an inside joke. heres a collection of frenrey related images that are inside jokes or about inside jokes

theres also a lot more videos i have but i cant put themall here. sadly. heres one at least

#im not maintagging any of this for several reasons #asks #NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT #TALKING ABOUT FRENREY TO MARCIE MADE US CLOSER. WERE QPPS NOW #TAHTS SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME

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skitsoulmaty · 3 years

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umbrella [ jjk] | part one

genre(s): angst, a little bit of fluff, strangers lovers au

pairings: jeon jeongguk x reader

word count: this is the first part & it contains 900ish words

warnings: heartbreak, hell of angst, mental illness, a bit of violence (not in this part tho but its gun be there in the upcoming parts), one sided love kinda ?? death, blood, mentions of hospitals.

synopsis: jungkook is still in luv with his ex lover but in the rain that day he meets a girl coated with stardust.

taglist: aaa i dont really have anyone to tag :(( if u want to be added to my taglist, just send an ask or dm me ^-^

note: this is my first series & my first post on here so im quite nervous but i hope it goes well ahahah :(( english isnt my first language so i hope u can ignore grammatical errors, if u find one 🤍 u can try listening to ghosting by txt while reading this. but yes pls enjoy this it took me a lot of time to word it <3

this is a work of fiction. any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental. © sakura, 2021.

____________________________

it was one of the gone-wrong picnic days. the day had brought a sky of granite-grey clouds ruffling in ripples, indicating it was about to invite a street of colourful umbrellas to blossom.

and then it did. it came with its heaven given soundtrack, as a million soul fragments in a chorus. together they brought such a soothing sound, a natural melody every bit as beautiful as a mother's soulful hum. the pearl-like drops washed every hue into a strong and soulful vibrancy.

crystal clear raindrops hit the stony ground as water seeped inside the jarred ground to mitigate the brittle dried up earth from the harshly flaring brilliant rays of that scorching sphere of fire. the droplets paused on the surface before being engulfed into the soil. it turned dark like molasses under the glossy strands of grass.

but it was not that tranquillizing for jeongguk.

the world resembled his emotions with his darkened over-clouded heart. the raindrops came falling down just like his tears. he was on the street, alone, and the only one who did not have an umbrella.

with every splash that touched the boy's skin, his jacket gave up on keeping his body dry. water began to soak the bottom of his pale blue jeans, deepening the denim to a stronger hue, and bringing his timberlands to a glossy water-shine. he breathed in the pouring rain as it dampened his dishevelled locks.

he wandered amidst a harmonious choir of raindrops. water poured over his skin so vigorously that it felt as if he was in the flow of a river rather than a rain shower. he could not seem to figure out if he had a lot of thoughts or none at all. everything looked dusky, dull and grey. a nostalgic sensation had crawled in and washed over him when he saw the rain-washed street. it gripped his emotions with might, suffocating him.

he missed her.

jeongguk was like a wilting flower. he was weak, broken, and delicate. deprived of affection and slowly crumbling down.

he studied the way water would pour down in soft cascades, the vibrant image of a summer storm and liked how the very sound could create a sense of silence without loneliness.

they had to fall, he thought. they had no alternative. they had no escape. nowhere, but down on the rugged, solid surface. they had to face their destiny, what the future had in store for them. after they descended, the drops vanished between a billion others. they were not seen anymore, like their value had dissolved after that very moment. they were gone.

maybe he should feel glad; glad that his lifeline was longer. but he wasn't. all his happiness had been sucked when she left. it had been a year, yet his heart still grieved and yearned for her.

the bitterly raw wind swooshed by, pulling him away from his thoughts. some youngsters' laughter was heard faintly from a distance. the world around him was unaffected by his suffering. untouched and unbothered by the agony that he is experiencing.

perhaps he was hallucinating, or his vision was fuzzy, but for a second he thought someone was observing him.

"hey there, boy. you look so miserable that someone might mistake you for the male version of oizys!" it was the voice of some girl. it was the kind of deep voice that is so very easy to fall in love with, that auditory caramel.

(oizys was the ancient greek goddess of grief & anxiety.)

jeongguk felt enticed to the voice as if it were a magnet. he finally looked up desirous to know who that velvety voice belonged to.

his eyes fell onto were her lips. they were coral and looked soft even in the dark rain, curved up in a smile. then the rest of her face. it would be an understatement to say that he was allured. she had extremely fine, sculpted features. her silvery grey eyes glittered in the gloom, glinting with hope and curiosity. her smile, flawless and delicate. her face was luminescent, a gentle glow. she had the appearance of soul fire sparking against the ice.

she was clad in a white hoodie reaching down till mid thigh with the hood over her touseled brunette hair. her milky appearance made her stand distinctly against the faded surroundings. in the cold mini storm she stood firm.

her innocent aura drew him in.

the mystery girl snapped closed her umbrella, releasing a gravity-defying plume of small droplets. she pulled down her hood and shook her hair to gain some life back into her flattened locks which slowly got drenched.

she noticed that he had looked at her. she pouted when there was no response from jeongguk. “oh i'm really sorry. i didn’t mean to offend you. i should not have joked about that,” she paused and opened her umbrella again, and this time put it over his head, preventing the raindrops from hitting his skin.

she tilted her head and continued, “but, joli garçon, did you really think the rain could mask your tears?”

_________________

yes that was it for the first part,,,, it certainly isnt as good as some of authors here but i tried jdhjsjhsj the second part is coming soon :) pls reblog it would mean a lot !! <3

#jungkook #angst #jungkook angst #bangtan #bts #jeongguk angst #jungkookangst #jungkook drabbles #jungkook x reader #jungkook x reader angst #jungkook strangers to lovers #jungkook heatbreak #jungkook bf #bts angst #rain #umbrella #jungkook rain

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cloudy-dayys · 3 years

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obsessed w ur clef headcanons. do u have any more u can share? (luv ur art btw <333)

i would kill everyone on this planet for you and then myself tysm 💙💙

more clef headcanons (i will not be referencing 4231 in any of my clef posts just because that is very triggering for me, instead im gonna say he and 166's mom met one day when clef was in his late 20s, shit happened (ya know, they fucked), and boom he had to go and kill her and take 166)

· he was never really a child or teen, he was just a monster that happened to break into the foundation's reality one day (i say this bc i cant really imagine him as a child or teen, he's more monster than human and we may never know if he was a normal human that adopted these powers or came from smth else)

· he is both a reality bender and anchor, more so using his bending powers more

· he has many forms, whether the 'human' one is his true one or not is still a mystery, seeing as those he may not be showing his true capabilities or if he has another twisted form that is a lot more powerful

· he may be a rival of kondraki and they hate each other's guts, but he still respects him a lot. clef even met draven (kondraki's son) and admires how konny is a good dad, so he only gives kondraki a hard time and doesn't actually dislike him (clef 🤝 kondraki: good dads and clef finds it cute)

· more than anything, he wants to take meri out on a dad and daughter day. go to the movies, the mall, buy her anything she likes, etcetc. he thinks she deserves to be spoiled rotten (and she does!!)

· but he really dislikes how his daughter is super christian, so if she ever finds out he may be the devil or even states he could be anything satanic or sinful, it wont be pretty on her side

· his face isnt that comprehendible until u personally get closer to him. if ur a complete stranger to him, its impossible to directly look at his face without some sort of problem. it'll seem like static or as if nothing is there, and itll make u want to look away since its too much for ur brain to handle (can make people have headaches or their eyes sore). if ur a pal or a well known enemy of his, you'll see some features like his sharp and terrifying grin, and sometimes his 3rd eye (which will make anybody be in distress)

· he, surprisingly, has a great voice. what makes up for his lack of face or any horrifying features is his voice. sometimes you'll hear him hum a melody or quietly sing a song in his office, he sings more calming songs than anything energetic. if ur lucky enough he'll hop his ukulele out and start singing a wonderful and peaceful song

· he loves guns, but not in a weird way. back to my first headcanon, once he entered this reality and had a somewhat stable form, the minute he found out theres metal shiny things you can hold that make loud kaboom sounds and have many varieties hes like "holy shit!?!? that is so cool!!!!!!!" and its really his comfort item. he usually goes to any open range and practices bc it is a great distraction and he loves holdin em (like a stim!). he cleans em regularly, like a hobby of some sorts

· he's made his own songs before, but he keeps em in private. he may sing em for his daughter though!

· hes more in touch with anomalous beings then regular humans, cause every anomaly thats been locked up by the foundation can relate on something

· "hm. this small anomalous child has no (good) parental figure in their life? well that is clearly my child now. i am their new dad"

· he is very intelligent, you can never prank, trick, or pull any game on him. he can read gestures and cues very easily, and can pick up any weird vibes or feelins within his area

· hes definitely an anarchist, i dont make the rules

· he sometimes wishes he can live a normal life ina suburb home with an amazing s/o and his beautiful daughter and they live happily ever after. then he proceeds with "well where the hell is the fun in that?"

· he has yet to comprehend human emotions, mental illnesses or neurodivergency, he may be able to trick and mess with someone in their head, but being able to fully comprehend human feelings and such is far out of his abilities. maybe one day though

· mess with his friends or family? hes already at ur house bud. there's no saving ur miserable life now

· the infamous 'dr clef can't be affected by anomalous things or properties' still holds very true. he can be affected by 166's powers tho!

· he speaks 4-ish other languages: old greek/latin, german and french. he can gladly try and take up more languages tho, they amaze him!

i have more but i dont want to make this too long and borin for others lol

#ask #tanner talks #scp #dr clef #alto clef

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misterbitches · 3 years

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hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough.

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls.

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated.

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences. especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks.

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well.

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;)

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

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disney-rapunzel-merida-vanellope · 5 years

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Rant

Yesterday bts made a comeback and everything was literally perfect, 10000/10, ✨✨✨✨✨✨

Today life has no meaning again and i spent the whole time on the couch. Idk what im still doing at uni. In high school i used to say i wont have work to do in uni bc ill be doing what i like so theres no obligation but boy no. I havent been there in more than a week but honestly the classes are either super useless or the work can be done at home (even tho the teachers might cause u trouble for not showing up wtf this isnt hs). Anyway motivation is dooooown there and knowing this is costing money is giving me headackes every minute. I dont even know what to do next year. Do i finish the 3rd year, do i go for another major? I cant quit cause my parents would never let me and honestly i dont want cause gotta force myself to leave the house once in a while. Im just delaying everything in my life rn. Feel so empty. The things that bring me joy happen so fast and take too much time to comeback or cost money i dont have. Im always overthinking about the future too. I wanna make my own money. Sick of getting in arguments with my mom but literally depending in her for everything. Im also taking almost 2 years now to take my driving lincense im just that idiot. Its honestly too much. Theres no purpose. No motivation, no fun college experience, no friends, no money, no independency, no growing as an artist and person. Just the same old stuff, just more overthinking, anxiety and whinning. I dont know what to do. I dont do anything and im still tired of everything mentally and physically. How is that possible?? Ugh when will my life begin

#personal #rant #help

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jinnielovebot · 6 years

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soft bias tag! ♡

tagged by @bangs-chan @bangchans @seungminty THANK U I LOVE U

ok for real this tag was actually rlly fun to do :’)))

tagging: @jeongin @himeaegyo @hanjisunng @reosian @3rxcha @doublekn0t @felixeslee @jiisung henlo pls ignore if u have alrdy done this love u btw

DISCLAIMER: i get rlly mushy in this because every hour is softjin hour ;(

who is your bias?

kim seungmin hwang hyunjin!

what made you notice them?

ajsdjahdg his voice!! tbh his voice was actually the reason i got into sk in the first place ahahjsd LMAO can u believe i havent swerved for the last 8 months DAMN im loyal anyways im rlly particular when it comes to rapper n their voices n hyunjins rap part in hellevator just,,,fit in so seamlessly,,,and it just sounded so smooth n perfect nd you bet your sweet arse i did a Phat double take when his part came on in the song

what’s your favorite thing about them?

u want me to pick just one?????????

OKAY LIKE i think my absolute favorite thing abt him that made me LOVE him is like how hardworking he is like duirng the show when jyp criticized him a lot :((((( he still worked super hard even if he was a lil bit discouraged but in the end he!! did!! That!!!!! nd like i love that quality of him and i honestly look up to it like being able to work super hard n want to improve even after lots of criticism is so hard for me but watching him b so motivated n determined just makes me ;;____;; and wow he just alwys wants to learn!! and improve!! wow i m in love with him

OTHER THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HIM include how cute n cuddly he is like,,,,always clinging onto everyone else like how do u not love that and i also love the way he smiles and laughs like my god u thought the sun was bright?? well then u havent seen his smile ://// i love the way his eyes just kinda scrunch up when he laughs and its the Cutest thing EVER and every time he smiles or does his little scrunch thing i rlly. RLLY. just wanna kiss him but u didnt hear that from me ;u;

who would initiate skinship more?

probably him bc im shy af asjdkas and i can imagine just walking beside him when he randomly just takes my hand or swings his lanky af arm around me

who would hog blankets more?

ME bc im needy and i get cold easily :’D

who would be more clingy?

he wld be more physically clingy but i think i wld be more mentally clingy bc i get sad when im apart from people

who would say ‘i love you’ first?

i think he’d say it first just bc he doesnt seem like he gives any craps LMAO n would just go for it asjkdah i’d be way too shy to say anything first

who would be more easily flustered?

me bc i could just look at him and then get flustered let alone talk to him n be near him

what cuddling position would you two have?

he’d be the big spoon because have u seen how tall he is and then i’d be the little spoon because have u seen how small i am LMAOO but sometimes i would wanna face him so i can like throw my leg over him like a pillow if u know what i mean

which colors remind you of them and why?

peach and warm pink!! bc he’s a peach :(((( but i think its bc when i think of him i literally think of the sun and jus t how bright he is

which season would you like to spend with them?

winter!! bc imagine cuddling under blankets and watching movies and eating snacks in the dark w him while we wait for it to be midnight on christmas eve :( and also its sweater weather so him!! wearing hoodies!! all the time!!

i would luv spending summer with him too tho bc imagine all the late night dates we could go on since it doesnt get cold (in cali at least) at night nd spending all day doing dum stuff like the dum lovers we are :(((

who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

LMAO GOOD ONE you can bet u will see us at the store buying premade cookies bc we dont got the time nor the skills to be baking

which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

honestly both of us would make bad puns it would just depend on the day and the other would react like “i suddenly am single” every time

who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

both of us bc we lov kkami and want more friends for kkami :’((

which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a pop tart and who would come to the rescue?

this is a trick question bc both of us would burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a pop tart

who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back?

fun fact i’m deathly afraid of heights so he would probably be the one leaning over the railings and then i’m pulling him back telling him how one day he’s gonna fall over n how he should give me all his stuff when he writes his will

what would watching a horror film with them be like?

id be under the blanket and covering my eyes for dear LIFE while hes laughing and tryna pry my hands away from my eyes AND HE’D PROBABLY TRY TO PRANK/SCARE ME LATER AFTER THE MOVIE ASKDJHAHSDKJ

who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

im the cheesy flirt bc i barely know how to flirt at all meanwhile

him: is doing nothing at all

me: god can u stop flirting with me already

who is more competitive?

IM SO COMPETITIVE AHSKJD im the type of person that says “wait best out of 3″ LMFAO so i can imagine us making a bet over smthn and then the loser has to pay for food and ill get petty and ask for a best out of 3 match LOL

who would have to be given constant reminders? (remember to eat, don’t forget your keys, etc)

also me bc i get distracted super easily and i forget to eat and sleep literally every day

who sends memes and who sends cute ‘i miss you’ texts at 3AM?

he sends the i miss you texts n then i respond in reaction memes

him: i miss you

me:

#tagged #tag game #THIS WAS RLLY CUTE LIKE ASDKHAKSD #I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THIS TAG ;;;;;#ugh take a shot every time i say lMAO #my vocabulary is literally equivalent to that of a pigeon #ppl i tagged i wanna see u guys get soft #open up them soft hours bc we all about unconditional love and support around here #except for mr lee know he can stop hurting me thank u

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saturday16s · 3 years

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"MORE 2 LUV"

Don't CARE. Love! Don't FEEL.. LOVE. Don't Think. Love.

No matter what.. LOVE. No matter what.

They say. .. LOVE, Anyway.

No matter what! They do. Loooove. × 2 (times two) Double up. Never enough.. Never ever give up. Take it all, As MORE 2 LUV

Every time U can. Even if you can't. When u get the chance.. Don't forget 2 wait.. Can't sum it up. No rush. Let it come. So much MORE where that came from.

Can you feel it? TO ITS LIMIT! Can you FILL it?.. 2 ITS LIMIT. Would u spill it. Re-veal. Did you. Really MEAN IT? Complete-ly. Can u? See it. But would you, BE it. If it was needed? Could you leave it? Where you found it Without tryna keep it. PROMISES & SECRETS. Whole pieces. 4 NO REASON.

When it's REAL. 2 fit the bill. U know the deal. Even wit' ya lips sealed.. Un'til... There's SURELY MORE 2 LUV! You know there's Always MORE 2 LUV. Aww girl, datz jus MORE 2 LUV. We gotta do MORE - 2 LUV.

When the goin' getz tuff. There, will be MORE 2 LUV.. Where the course leads to trouble There, we find: MORE 2 LUV!

When I take a look @ the facts. There's MORE, 2 LUV. When I make a point to look back.. There's MORE 2 luv. In the morning. Soon as U GET UP. There's already./ MORE 2 LUV

I heard, "it's a thin line." Between both. When it's hard enough. Alone. Also, anything worth owning - is worth fighting 4. Yet to whom, if any of us can claim, does this belong!?

Severing the closest. Checking 4 a pulse. Reaching. 4 the remote. Searching 4 a show.

You know there's Always MORE 2 LUV.

Doesn't take helium to seize it. Nor submarines. To sink deeper. Can it be? So simple. Down. To the decimal percentage. Except 4 testicles, placentas. Physical or Mental. The immeasurable immensity - A chemical signature?

So essential. Something, it hurts to LIVE without. If allowed to LIVE IT DOWN. Shit can get wicked wild! Start to hate the heart. Rather wanna rip-it-out. Thru all the UPz and Downz. Some of us forget HOW. To STICK IT OUT. Sometimes, Itz been a while. But LOVE still abounds.. Regardless. Of the ammount. With all the 'madness' surrounding. Seems as if, 'compassion' ain't in style!

Not 4 the weak-hearted. Or ill-tempered. Self-serving. Nor self-centered.

Whole-Souled. And Long-Suffering. Even with our shortcomings. It's MORE 2 LUV. It's sorta funny - How we be wanting: MORE..* Everyday, another's born. Adding MORE (2 LUV) Let us not lose track. Of the important stuff.

A certain construct warns.. Of MORE 2 LUV A surplus supports the assumption: "There's MORE 2 LUV" Not only special and precious.. THERE's MORE 2 luv. Experts will swear by its essence but YES, There's MORE 2 LUV Never Enough. Never ever give up. Don't RUSH. Just let it come You ain't gotta SETTLE 4 LESS.When itz MORE 2 LUV .. U ain't gotta to worry whus next w/ so much MORE 2 LUV Make not mistakes... Homie, there's MORE 2 LUV .. nigga Dont B acting all fake/ like it aint MORE 2 LUV.

Got the government exploring space... Because there's MORE 2 LUV That's why we go the safer way. Cuz it takes MORE 2 LOVE

* nuthin new under the sun

nuthin above a love / unknown

bestowed - beyond nuthin witheld

unveiled - nuthin like the // never as good

becoming - of what / would // not / NO / thing

untouched - to give. from NUTHIN' to every / OTHER

FASHION - FATHOMED. Imagined and manifested. Matters

MORE - TO - LOVE FOR - now . Around AGAIN

COMING - KEPT - Nothin'// YET - ALL- Over!

Nothing STRONGER. Nothing younger. Nothin' OLDER -Nothin' WRONG

Nothing Hotter. Nothing Colder. Nothing ON. Nothing Fuller

Nothing Better. Nothing Worse. Nothing Faster. Nothing More worth.

Nothing Less.

Nothing Left - Nothing ELSE. NOTHING RIGHTER - NOTHING. (Compares)

Don't CARE. ...Love! Don't FEEL.. LOVE. Don't Think. ..Love. No matter what.. LOVE. No matter what.. ...They say. .. LOVE, Anyway. ..No matter what! ... They do. ..Loooove. Too.

"MORE 2 LUV" 121/365

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harryforvogue · 4 years

Note

its just hard because i can't go its just the way i am, how dare you be upset with me for it– but also i am mentally ill there isn't much i can do about it, like i can work on it but i will never be 100%– but also i can't expect people do wait around for me and put up with me for forever. and idk how any of this works. anyways i don't even know what I'm saying because i never make any sense. i luv you though, i hope your day is going welllllll🍓

yeah but you know like i said, if the people around you dont love the baggage that come with you, then it says more about them than you

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fahrminbrahmin · 7 years

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ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have?

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?

 2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years

 3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no

 4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point

 5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc

 6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.

 7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein

 8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao

 9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol

 10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm

 11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho

 12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes

 13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not

 14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh

 15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs

 16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs

 17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs

 18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn

 19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows

 20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told

 21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect

 22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea

 23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol

 24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal

 25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo

 27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!

 28. do you purge?

:/ yeah

 29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose

 30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.

 31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge

 32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours

 33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.

 34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book

 35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it

 36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here

 37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it

 38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1  39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao

 40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about

 41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA

 42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool

 43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh

 44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin

 45. ever been inpatient?  / 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it

 49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT

 50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao

 51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/

 52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself

 53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?

 54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this

 55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

#personal #eating disorder #eating disorder questions #ed tw #ana #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#t.txt

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amourdesoif · 7 years

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“Woa woa woa that took a turn”

Was his reaction when i mentioned suicidal thoughts. Ironically its mine too when i see them around, inside.

“ okay everyone has bad days but thats no reason to be suicidal”

I know; and if I was suicidal then please do believe me when i say “a bad day” is 100% not the reason ! I have more respect for those who suffer till suicide gets the best of them than to be suicidal over “a bas day”. But thanks I appreciate glad u told me.

“The world is all ups and downs” I know wallahi I really know. But they don’t always come equally. Ups sometimes take too long apart. “It’s like that with everyone everywhere” Well done luv. You just made me feel shit. Say my problems are unimportant. Dont belittle someone’s issues ! However, yes everyone gets ups and downs but nevertheless one must say they’re never always the same. And even if everyone felt the same way or worse that will not cancel the presence of my feelings.

“as much happiness you get, that’s how much sadness youre getting” …

Okay first of all NOPE. Secondly, if anything the sentence should be said the other way around. As much sadness u get u will get happiness. Using reward system theory mate. Thirdly, the world is very unfair. Extermly. So no my love it is not like so.

“Please dont use that word again. Because it scares me”

You askes nicely so I 100% won’t. I do not want to upset you. But that won’t mean that it won’t be present in my mind.

You said talk to me. But I guess instead I scared you. Maybe you are not ready to see the darker side of life. Of me at least.

But youre mature.

I said i see the thoughts floating around. I am not actively thinking I’ll commit suicide. But thoughts of what if i am gone ? What if i am dead? How would i die ? Do i care if i do ? And one thought leads to another. And ofc i am actively removing any thoughts of this type instantly with a way or another. But i cant be always on gaured it’s tiring. Draining. And if am tired sometimes thoughys slip.

What you said made me scared. Tables turned.

It really did. Made me fear the stigma. The prejudice of others. Are others ready to see this “Taboo” “broken” side of me ? Are people not familiar with this ? Will you only see me through that lens? I care about you.

A label. Mental illness.

Not everyone has experienced such sadness. And fewer of those who didn’t, understand.

Do i scare people off ? Suicide. Death. Rape. Theft. Abuse. Loss. Pain. Hurt. Neglec. Chaos.

Once they see this side and start to digest it. They will only see me through that lens ? Stigma?

Stage 2. Chaos.

I was broken. And I break somedays. But there is so much more to me than that.

Yes i feel like i am in a battle. And it’s my battle. But theres more to me than that.

I can love. I can laugh. I can give love and care. I can be the best you ever met. I recall the days I couldn’t do a thing from all these. 1462 days.

I still have some of those days. Bad days. Days where I am physically being torn apart. My organs feels sore, stabbed, pulled apart with bare hands. Ignoring the great indescribable pain because I dont have the right to acknowledged it; my mind is crowded chaos thoughts are everywhere but I understand nothing. Chaos. Outside I’m stone cold. An attempt to tidy my mind. Everyone has “bad days” after all, right?Flash back . Man hands chasing me. My hurt tightens. Man hands hold me. Unwillingly. Something sharp pierces my heart.Do you like it ? Tears. I taste salt. The tears rolling on my lip. I’m now wearing my chaos outside. Silently sobbing. I dont feel safe. Dad. A night and a half later; I’m stone cold. Inside and out. Uncapable of love or living. But… I have to, at least the latter. Auto-pilot.

Like I was saying I still have bad days. But all of it is yes huge. And so fucking heavy to hear trust me i know i carry it around ! But also do trust me when i say there’s more to me than that. It is a big part of me and my past yes it broke me down but it also built me. Perhaps, take it in consideration. But dont only look at me through it.

I love sex ! I love food ! I love family and life ! I love luxury remindes me of my better past so im working towards it! I have malfunctioning days. But before everyday was a malfunctioning day. Now it’s not so and for that i’m proud.

I have diverted.

I appreciate his intentions greatly and i know he means all good. But skills are yet to be developed. Perhaps im in his life so he learns this.

Or perhaps for me as reminder to take pride in what I reached.

That’s whats on my mind honey.

#personal #depression #ptsd #him #thoughts

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dreamboydongmyeong · 5 years

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50 questions (?) tag

ya girl cant read

tagged by @parkseonghwa luv u joo

yknow anyone i tag has probs already been tagged so MOOTS IF U SEE THIS AND WANNA DO IT DO IT

1. What takes up too much of your time?

school....

2. What makes your day better?

hmmm..it depends on the day! we have these little food delivery robots on campus and ordering from them is really cute (they say hi!) so that brightens my day lately! but lots of little things like ateez and friends and flowers!

3. What’s the best thing that happened you today?

i drew a lot and im proud of it kinda (’:

4. What fictional place would you like to go?

right now im super reobsessed with Lord of the rings so ill say the Shire!

5. Are you good at giving advice?

only for very oddly specific things..

6. Do you have any mental illness?

not that i know of!

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

nope but some freaky stuff has happened while im like half asleep

8. What musician inspired you the most?

billie joe armstrong! hes been my dad my inspiration sinc like...2010? ish?

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

oh yes

10. What’s your dream date?

something outdoorsy! even if its like walking by a lake or something i like exploring and it gives you an excuse to talk!

11. What do others notice about you?

that im weird when i get stressed i mess with my eyebrow so part of it is often missing and people notice that a lot

12. What is the annoying habit you have?

i TALK TOO MUCHHHH

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

we comment on each other’s tweets sometimes

14. How many ex’s do you have?

officially 3 but more like...6...lol

15. How many songs are on your playlist?

my current main playlist has 149 babey

16. What instruments can you play?

get this: i can make instrument songs with my mouth sometimes

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

myself tbh IM THE WORST but like me n my friends

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

JAPAN!! IVE ALWAYS WNATED TO GO TO JAPAN

19. What is your zodiac?

scorpio babeyyy

20. Do you relate to it?

HELL YEAH I DO

21. What is happiness to you?

this is gonna sound real cringey but like...happiness is temporary so honestly true happiness for me is being in a place in life where i find it easy to make my own happiness, and that happiness can be in the little things (like having coffee cake) or the big things

22. Are you going through anything right now?

yeah its this uh thing called life its short but also terribly and insufferably long (thank u jenna marbles for the wonderful quote)

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

kinda basing my life around a person who couldn’t give less of a shit /: but im NOT ANYMORE YAY

24. What’s your favorite store?

rOSS i love ross

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

im for it dude

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

theres one or two big things ive said i wanna do in life but honestly whatever sounds cool and fun :D

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment?

billie eilish’s ‘when we all fall asleep where do we go?”

28. What do you want for your birthday?

money ive got big expenses in my future beeches

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you?

people think im quiet?? and honestly i think thats it...OH they think im a bitch usually too bc i have the worst resting bitch face

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

physically? like 16/17. mentally? like 23

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

on the nightstand woo woo

32. What word do you say the most?

“i” i like tot alk about myself a lot its a problem i guess

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

i really dont think much older than 22 bc i ahd a 23 year old briefly and it was just...too much of a gap

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

18 i guess but even then the maturity differences /: so 19

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

something smart like doctor but honestly i think accounting is a pretty good fit

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

pOp

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be?

japan :3

38. What is your current favorite song?

okay im back on the billie bullshit but liek... bury a friend snaps

39. How long have you had this blog for?

when did ateez debut? 5 months?

40. What are you excited for?

the warm weather! and for classes to be done for summer (but i dont wanna leave this apartment S:)

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

im great at talking but it doesnt mean people agree lmao

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

i made dinner does that count NO I PUT AWAY LAUNDRY THATS IT

43. What do you want for Christmas?

again, and i cannot stress this enough: money (and snacks)

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

ZUMBA LMAOOO

45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

5 i guess? like it could be worse but it could be better

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

what makes you think i can count that high (probably have a family and work from home babey)

47. When did you get your first heart break?

my first reallly strong one was freshman year

48. At what age do you want to get married?

whatever age im at when i meet the right person and get to know them for a while (as a kid i always said 26...lol)

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

a geologist! i liked pretty rocks

50. What do you crave now?

the warm weather and a break from life

#tagged #wow im dramatic #we love that

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angel-nero · 7 years

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11 questions...

I was tagged by @pureren @zaevran @glaspaladin @z-ayauitl and @kcgane ty so much !!! ♥

RULES: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people

my questions…

1. what’s the worst piece of clothing you own?

2. what’s the coolest piece of uh fashion that is so cool you can’t even wear to go out? lol

3.- what book have you read that you feel it has been the worst?

4.- What’s the healthiest meal you actually like?

5.- do you love keith kogane? (or vld keith lmfao what u prefer to use)

6.- something paranormal ever happened to you? if yea, what?

7.- do you get jealous easily? with who? (friends, popular ppl, talented ppl, the s/m)

8.- what’s the cutest thing you own?

9.- what are your favorite crisps?

10.- do you have a favourite drink?

11.- can you tell im hungry? what hobby you wish you liked or wish you did?

i tag: @kukinta @kittyr0se @heirith @liesfromsatansbuttcheeks @sheith-love-always @acequeenm @blessedkeith @lukaspatel @ke1th @ace-pidge @keith8 but only if you want to!

TESSA’SS AND!! TAMI’S QUESTIONS1!!!

1. Do you connect with people easily?

mmm, I don’t becos im a very quiet person and can be w u w/o talking at all and I get overwhelmed by convos I don’t care about also it’s kinda hard to win my trust and also interest lol. I’m nice tho, i mite not be enjoying myself but i’ll forev b nice w u.

2. Did something good happen to you this week?

uH yeah, i’m doing things to improve my health, i did my uni exam, im frEE, i finally don’t have to go to rEliGIoUs classes aNYMORE and UH,,, i got a diet to win weight and its cool i get to eat ESQUITE LMFAO. i will see my bffs in friday and i have browney mix there i should bake but im lazy

3. What’s the personality trait that annoys you most in other people?

When people pretend to like something just 2 b friends w someone or ME, do you know we can be total dif and maybe still b friends if u cOOL. Ass kissers, hypocrisy, LIES LOL. I don’t like fake ppl at all.

4. If you could participate in any existing tv reality show, which one would you choose?

The ones where they change ur style and buy clothes for u 2 love urself and do ur hair and make up and buy u xpensive undies. I loved that crap when i was in secondary school lmao

5. What’s something you’re insecure about?

That I can’t be in one place without wanting tofuckin run, the fact that i can’t eat w ppl at all, that i have to go to the fucken gYM

6. What’s your favourite way to hang out with friends?

:’)) well,,, i go to my bff’s house or they come. If im fine then walk around my neighborhood cus it’s nice ahaha anxiety am i rite. oKAY, even if i get anxiety i like ice skating, or roller skating, i have a lot of fun. My friend want us to go to this pixies concert and im like :(( boo i love u

7. What’s your favourite fic trope?

lol idk,,,,, pining? mutual pining? no pining and they getting to know therngs im melttin sTOP idk…… it depends on whAT shIP. I just know i’ll read any fake dating of my otp. idk idk duuuude i legit don kno. It’s not a trope but i love crunchy feelings, showefjsid fksjnj its hard to talk about this im sOrry

8. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve liked in the past?

hahahahahaha my crush

9. What do you consider to be the best period of your life?

When I was 14. I went to parties more than i go to them now lol, i drank and smokkd w who where my best friends back theN i know it’s whack. we used to go to roller skate? all the damn time and did sleepovers and everything was funny, we practically lived together and my friend that was 16 drove us to places lmao,, everything was so good. but like, dont imagine me too wild i only smokd like 5 cigs in my life and hookah and we even broke one.

10. What do you consider to be the worst period of your life?

mpghgg, when i turned 15,,, in the middle of it everythin went to shit to the actual date. But im trying to change that

11. How did you meet your best friend?

I met her,,,, 11 years ago. Look, I usually have best friends in pack. I have 3 bffs at the moment, one of them sat next to me in 2nd year of primary school. IDK how i got to actually know my absolute bff tho but we did a lot of weird shit. we also met in the same classroom and she was my bff back then. The third one was also a frind but not so much during those years. Later i changed of classrooms and shit and bonded more when I was 14 w 6 friends and those r i did crazy shit w but we got separated and stopped talkin and they invited me to the club a week before my uni exam but i was high on meds and sick af. and never replied also going to meet em again at the club makes me nervous af tbH…. I have had a lot of super close friends in my life wTf. In my new school i have also 7 friends that r super close.And we’re also a pack of bffs. I actually had a hard time to use the word bestfriend lol, not bc of me havin a lot or anythin, i was just emo i guess

BEX’S QUESTIONS YOo

1. What’s the strangest nickname you’ve ever been given?

:))))))))))))))))))))))))) gabhole, gabaloney, TETI THAT SOUNDS LIKE TITTY. now ft Aztec secret

2. Do you like to gossip?

UMMMMMM,, i dont like to listen to another ppl judging someone, I hate it and i normally tell them to stop. it depends i guess

3. Are you afraid of the dark? um,,, no but i dont like it lol

4.Have you ever been stung by a bee?

no, but i steppeddd on one. I also was pickin a tree and till this day i dont knoW wTF it was but i had something big in my middle finger and it fucken hurt like a bitch and i had A BALL on it UGHHHHH I HATE BUGS

Bigfoot or mothman? fucking none

Do you trust anyone with your life? i mean, idk

Do you have any habits you wish you could break? yEAH, to stop tweeting my mental breakdowns is one lmao.

Would you go ghost/alien hunting?

both tbh, who wants to break into abandoned houses w me, i live in front of one,,, i mean not so infront but in the row of houses infront of me lmao english whO? dude rosetta stoned by tool is my aesthetic, alien stuff. bex listen to it pls

Best pickup line? (you’ve heard or used on you/you’ve used)

u r the best chair *proceeds to sit on em* keith to shiro probably

Mint or fruit gum?

I dont like gum much cos it makes me hungry or thirsty. I also drink too much soda to fuck w mint stuff :(( say that to the mints i bought lol :( i only eat halls or gum bc im nerves w ppl so they stopped bein a thing i enjoy for me lol. i do that since im like,,, uh,,, idK 15. it fuckd my stomach

What do you want to be remembered for?

I mean if I have to pick and b unrealistic, for art maybe,,, or for the thing i end up working with, like architecture or somethin. Art, def art cus i like art so much

ZURI’S QUESTIONS!!!

1.-if you had to chose one thing to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?

I MEAN THIS QUESTION IS THE DEVIL I GET TIRED OF EVERYTHING TO THE POINT I DONT WNAN EAT ANYTHING I WILL JUST IGNORE IT SSAYS ONE AND SAY MEXICAN FOOD

2.- what are you most afraid of? Mental illnes and being ill and living

3.- do you have a favorite place to visit?

I mean,,,, i love walking in the center? centre? of my city bc is like going to another place. Is also fucking Cuba in there. Everyone says that, my dad asked a cuban marine he met if it was true and he said it was ‘’ the fackin same’’ So its like,,, travelling in time and places. also the beach and the port.

4.- what type of weather you enjoy the most?

I need the sun, otherwise i get sad… i like cloudy w sun. I just like to go out in the afternoon tho lol so like,,, sun pls so the sky can turn pinkish

5.- do you have a rare ability like dislocating your thumb or moving your eyes really fast?

i move my tongue real real fast and also can do the cherry knot thing and uh i can like, be aberrantly stupid too. hey but dont fuk w me and bother me 4 bein stupid, i will fist fite u and i mite b stupid but i will also mite think u r stupid if i don like u so fuk off. Dam,,, i get like, bothered so easy LOL like, think u r better than me and i’ll fist fite u LMFAO WHY THO I SUK, but like, if not bothered, i think of everyone as my equal… wow this was not the question

6.- do you think it would be easier to create one universal lenguage or an accurate translator? nO… dont delete culture like that,,, an accurate translator mite come in handy u kno but like, some languages have words that don’t exist in others so like :-/

7.- is there something that soothes you no matter what? um no i wish

8.- favorite piece of clothing? boots and thights

9.- is there a song stuck in your head right now? YEAH dig down by muse i love it, every1 says it sUCLks but i can’t stop listenin to it

10.- why is your favorite animal your favorite animal? i don play favs but i love the honey badger bc of this pleas fuckin watch it and THIS

11.- morning person or late riser? Oh,, i cant wake up to save my life so late riser

SUNNY’S QUESTIONS!!!

1. do you have any plushies? a LOT but im like,,, they r in my wardrobe and i luv em but like,,, they’re all gifts,,, did u kno one of my past bffs bought me a dino for christmas?

2. have you ever walked out the cinema before?

Yeah, i love drive’s aesthetic and Ryan gosling a lot but is SO boring so idk if my friends and I got kicked out or we prefered to get out to talk haha.

3. if you could have a mascot what would it be and why?

A CHINCHILLA, they’re a irl pokemon and they r so cUTE

4. what would your theme song be? kool thing, sonic youth maybe or is she weird by pixies. All Over the world by pixies too lol

5. do you have any phrases or sayings you find yourself coming back to often? not really, im so bad at remembering sayings and quotes

6what’s the nearest object to your right? a book called azul by ruben dario

7. would you rather live in the big city or out in the middle of nature?

Big city forever. I love high? buildings a lot. I dont do that well in the rural life lmao

8. are you working on any creative projects right now (fic/art/music/photography/ect) Nope at all and das sad cus i should b doing art lmao

9. what’s your favourite movie score? idk what is score… but the soundtrack of trainspotting is one of my favs… oh but score… aghgsdhaj any tarantino movie tbh or wes anderson movie… or before I disappear or demolition oR southpaw or the girl w the dragon tattoo

10. i say vol you say….? uuhhhhh,,,,, vol….tron??? (ICONIC, I MELT, I LVOE HIM)

#if any of u actually read this all omg i am love u #tag meme #this was uh long #i changed it so u don have to read all mineeee lol #if u have sideblogs where u'd rather post this then do it :)#i typed brownie as browney rIP

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