#i dont have a real friend group right now and the isolation is! not doing wonders for my mental health!

[backwardblackbyrd]

:')

#I'm kinda sad today lads #i am! lonely! #i dont have a real friend group right now and the isolation is! not doing wonders for my mental health! #and im doing birthday dinner w my mom and i now realize why i felt like i didnt get enough attention as a kid :))))))))))) #my mom's great!!! definitely not a bad parent at all but whew boy the half hearted interest in what i have to say makes the rest of my #mental illness cocktail make so much sense lmao

[absolutedestinyapocalypsse]

Raine is the embodiment of trying to fix the system from the inside, of the idea that is taught to us by people in power that the institutions that are designed to hurt us are neutral, and need only be wielded by the right people. If the finale of the show is trying to teach how you dont owe forgiveness and kindness to people who dont want to change, Raine's part of the story exemplifies how even the kindest, most forgiving person can be rendered helpless by these institutions if they try to fight from within them, how sometimes the very institutions we accept as given in our word dont deserve our forgiveness either, don't deserve our hope that they will change for the better, because they were always designed to hurt people.

Raine became head witch because they wanted to be a mentor, to help- this intention is never muddied or changed at any point in the series (this is very important- Raine is not corrupted by the power or position, it's not a matter of good people becoming bad with power, its a matter of good people being unable to do good within the system)

It's an isolating job- it appears to be them alone against the covens and belos. But the most effective change we seen them enact is not through their status as a coven head- something they are not comfortable or suited for as someone who "can't stand an audience"- its done through the CATTS, a group outside the coven system designed to persuade and help people against the throne. They get to wear a mask, get to perform in a way that makes them comfortable get to overcome their fear in a group setting. The CATTS organize in a very realistic way, and through them Raine meets Eda again, comes closer to the love and community they lost around the time when they joined the Bard coven.

But then, the plan changes- they go under cover. Pretend theyre working with the emperor until the last moment, use their status as a coven head to change the outcome of the day of unity. Whe they're doing that, they have to very publically denounce all of their beliefs, and behave as if the system that's trapping them is good. They aren't actually being controlled at this point, but the nature of the plan is such that they have to act like an arm of the emperor, going against everything they believe in. So, in a very real, non-magic way, they still are being controlled.

And the plan ends up being a disaster. All that work, all that deep cover planning, none of it stopped the day of unity from happening. Meanwhile, Raine's spent all this time- what was probably their last opportunity to reconnect with Eda and build back a damaged relationship before the world ended-compromising their beliefs and behaving as a propaganda machine for Belos. It appears, at the beginning of season 3, that Raine has given up everything- their autonomy, their friends, their love- for nothing. So, of course Belos picks them to possess- he's so used to Raine being a puppet in every other way. They have inadvertendly made themself a vessel for the will of the emperor through trying to stop him.

And now, they have another internal battle to fight- one over direct control over their own body (I don't think it's a coincidence that the biggest trans character in the show has this struggle, but thats for later.) What has been more of a symbolic or ideological control for all of the series becomes an inescapable physical control, one that they fight with every inch of their being to overcome. And they do overcome it- they push Belos out- but it doesn't stop him. Just like how it was being a coven head, being a tool for Emperor Belos didn't actually give Raine the power to stop him, it just put them in close enough proximity to him to be hurt more.

It's meaningful that they finally do get to take down Belos when he's without the system he build to prop himself up and put down others, literally ripped from the heart of the titan- nothing but a manipulative pile of goo. It's meaningful that they do it surrounded by friends and allies and lovers, and it's meaningful that they get to enjoy it, after all this time scratching at the surface and trying to change the coven system for the better, the thing that finally destroys it- destroys Belos is an alliance- a found family- curb stomping him into oblivion.

#and then raine gets to take a nap #beautiful #the owl house #watching and dreaming #toh #toh spoilers #raine whispers #eda clawthorne #media analysis

[queer-muslim-culture-is]

hi there! not a ‘culture is’ ask, rather- a question if that’s ok? firstly- i really, really want to thank you for running this blog. before this i literally thought i was the only queer muslim, or at least the only genderfluid one, and i’d felt so isolated and wrong and ashamed, but now i feel so much better about being queer and muslim. thank you…… <3

quick question for you and anyone who reads this blog- y’all, how do i find other queer muslims, online and in real life? in real life most muslims ik or have met are so queerphobic i’m honestly not sure how to root out anyone who is queer or even accepting. in other countries (i live in an African country, kinda in the middle of nowhere lol), ones that are more well-known perhaps, how did any of you meet any other queer Muslims?

also… online. there’s so many queer Muslims online and i’d love to get to know some of you, be friends or just to hear about others experiences and lives. but i literally don’t know how to find y’all, ahh😭😭

hi anon ! im so glad you found us <3 queer muslims have existed since the dawn of islam and will *continue* to exist. youre not the only one, never have been and never will be :]

.

as for finding other online queer muslims : i usually just go scroll through the queer muslim tag ! see who posts or even just likes / rbs the content there

maybe some of my followers are also looking for friends ?

**** if anyones interested, leave a reply or a note in a rb ! ****

.

as for IRL queer muslims well,, tbqh im not sure. personally i got sorta lucky. i grew up in africa as well and my two closest friends at the time both came out to me as bi before i started questioning my sexuality. beyond that, there were two cishet guys who,, didnt always say the right things and i dont think they wouldve understood my gender but they *did* hype me up when i told them i was gay and they told me they knew others like me. i also have an aunt and uncle who, although ive yet to speak to them about this, liked the facebook page for my countrys queer rights activism group (which i was pleasantly surprised existed), so im *reasonably* sure theyre chill

to try and extract some advice from my experience :

check their online presence if you can. do they follow or interact with queer or queer friendly accounts ?

discussing or bringing up queer media and celebrities is always a good way to gauge ppls opinions on the matter. you can be as subtle or as direct w this as you want, but tread carefully cause ppl can get real heated

>> my bi friend recommended me a queer manga before she came out, whilst a homophobic ex friend started ranting abt a video game trailer bc it had a gay couple in it

**** if anyone reading this has more tips, please leave them in the notes ! ****

#hopefully this is at least a bit helpful ^^ #oh also my friend joined the local model un and apparently that was a queer hotspot but i dont think that ones universal :p #not queer muslim culture #blog appreciation

[maapllee]

hey i was wondering if i could have a bakugo/todoroki/deku x reader (any one of them is fine) where the reader often rambles (had a past where they were often neglected and ignored) and they cant really control when it happens. so they end up rambling in class to a group when talking about something they really like, but the class ends up disinterested and kind of talks over her, before one of them (preferably Ochako cuz i have a burning hate for her that can only be fueled by fanfiction) kind of irritably cuts her off. after that the reader kind of goes radio silent and isolates for the rest of the day because they feel like a bother, and the worried guy of your choosing goes to check up on them, only to find them like laying on top of their cover's staring at nothing, a dead or empty look on their face. maybe they try and get them to talk, and eventually the reader opens up and says they feel like a bother/like no one likes them, maybe some light bullying from pink cheeks and gossip/rumors from other people in the school cuz they have a weak/villainous quirk and they deem them unfit, and even a bit of sad y/n backstory 😼 anyways i just want it to be heart-wrenching angst with little to no fluff until the end, can be from any characters POV. sorry if this is long i had a bit of a brain dump, feel free to change anything too!

oh also! cool quirk idea for the reader:

Bubble Pop: essentially the reader can create bubble of any shapes or sizes from their body or water sources nearby (its harder like that) and they dont pop unless the reader wants them too, so they can be used as bullets or trampolines to jump off of . (can even house people inside to help them escape) but when these bubbles pop they release hallucinogenic gas that can cause horrific hallucinations to those who inhale it. (feel and look real, like in schizophrenia disorder, can be very damaging to the victim). oh also maybe overuse causes the reader to become severely dehydrated, resulting is muscle cramps and liver problems, and hallucinations to themselves. also a heightened chance of schizophrenic disorder.

thats all i think.

IZUKU X READER

I like how you called him Deku 💀

I'm super sorry for the delay, I hope you like it <3

A certain pink-haired girl walked through the classroom doors, hair wet. "Bakugou has been such as ass for no reaaassoonnn." Mina pouted, laying her head on the table.

"Are you sure that's not because of your constant pranks on him?" Yaomomo questioned, hands on her hips. "Yeah, that's right. You do go overboard with your pranks, Mina."

Mina stuck her tongue out. "Awhhhh I can't help it, he's too fun to tease." "He's stuck up, isn't he?" Uraraka piped in, "He shouldn't have done that, that was wayy too mean."

"You're the only one that gets me, 'chako." Mina dramatically put her arms around Ochako's neck. "Bakugou's rude and unbearable, gosh. The only one he cares about himself. He's always mean to Izuku as well..." Ochako continued, huffing.

Todoroki and Izuku-kun walked closer on hearing what Ochako had to say. Taking a seat on the tables, listening to the conversation. "Isn't that a bit rude, Uraraka?" Izuku said nervously. "If Kacchan heard it-"

Before Todoroki could say anything, you spoke up. "I think Bakugou's that way because he's insecure. He looks like he only cares about himself, but when Izuku-kun was about to get kidnapped he was the first one to step in. Oh, and didn't he give you a sweater, Mina when you said you felt cold the other day?"

"You're right~ he's one of my bestest friends after all." Mina hummed. Ochako wasn't a fan of the fact you were the centre of attention, she made that clear by staring bullets into you.

"Even though he's rude to Izuku-kun- which isn't justified, He cares about Izuku a lot. I think Bakugou makes himself look confident and egotistical because he doesn't want to be seen as weak"

 Yaoyorozu seemed interested at first, but she was talking to Todoroki now and you could see some of your classmates yawning and others walking away. Ochako gave you a look.

"Not cause he's actually any of those things." Your throat dried up as you trailed off. Izuku nodded, smiling. But you didn't see that.

Uraraka put her hand on her cheek, tilting her head. "Woooww, that was so interesting [name]. Anyways, who wants to check out the new cafe after classes today?"

Ashido cheered and the girls nodded enthusiastically, agreeing to the plan. They crowded around Uraraka, shoving you out of the way in the process.

☾☼☽

After class, you walked to your locker deciding to retreat to your dorm for the rest of the day. You'd annoyed the people around you enough already. It's not like you had a right to be in their plans and bother them with your company. Sighing, you slammed the locker shut and walked to the dorm building.

Setting your heavy bag on the floor, you didn't bother changing out of your uniform. The sleeves of your blazer were damp with your tears. Well, whatever. You didn't mind being alone. Who cares about the opinions of some stuck-up teenagers anyways. Plopping yourself down on your bed, you decided to indulge yourself, indulge yourself in the pain your past held.

Thoughts trickled in slowly. It's not like you need company, you reassured yourself. You've done this before.

.

.

Did everyone really hate you? Were they just nice to you because you're classmates? Were you that boring?

<<I bet they won't even notice I'm gone>>

<<everyone hates me.>> You thought.

<<maybe I should just- >>

☾☼☽

Your little seance with your past self was cut short by a sharp knock at your door. Not that you bothered responding though. The person walked in and you didn't bother looking at them. What use was any of this?

"Hey..You feeling alright?" A squeaky voice asked. You turned your head to see the nervous green-haired boy standing there, looking at you with concern.

▻ "Uhuh." You replied.

"You don't sound alright. Mm...I know, do you want to talk about it?"

▻ "I told you, I'm fine. Dandy."

"Look, I'm here for you. You can tell me what's bothering you, don't bottle it up. You might feel better after you say it out loud, you know?" Midoriya said, seating himself down next to you.

You didn't want to keep it in anymore. It hurt and Midoriya seemed like he cared.

"It's just...I feel like everyone hates me. That they're just tolerating me cause they have to. You've heard the rumours about my grandfather going insane because of my quirk. They're just two-faced, talking behind my back and being nice to me to my face. it just sucks."

Midoriya hummed, understanding where you came from. "I don't think that's the case. Rumours come and go, we all have haters. We were worried about you because you haven't talked much today. I thought something was off when you looked sad in class today." You listened silently. He continued.

"The others are at the cafe, waiting for us. I volunteered to bring you there. Come on [name], join us. It'll be fun." Izuku smiled.

#midoriya izuku #midoriya x uraraka #mha #izuku x y/n #uraraka #izuku x you #izuku x reader #midoriya x reader #midoriya x gender neutral reader #reader insert #izuku midoriya x reader

[wherewilligofromhere]

lost

so i know i literally do not have a following on here at all but i am gonna kind of use it as a vent or a dump space right now, and if you see this and it resonates with you maybe consider staying? i know i dont post a lot but at times its because i feel like i literally have nothing to give that people dont already have or see in their own lives. i feel like the lack of originality has caught up with me. i despise the fact that the interent has shown every person every person. i hate that you have to break your back and bleed yourself try to inovate even a speck of originality. and everyone will come for you and try to prove you wrong.

anyways. thats slightly tangenty but ties into another point. i want friends. i have no friends. i used to crave a group of girls or some people i could catch up with at the cafe or the store. but its to the point where unless it was my partner, i have no one, not one person, i could pick up the phone and randomly call, with no warning, no real reason, and to just talk. i have literally no one. none. is that my fault? probably. but i feel like i weird people out, im too much for people, they think or are so different from me. i feel so isolated in a world where we all see aspects of eachother lives if we even glance at our phones.

i crave late night phone calls. imessage games. playing cards agains humanity, online or in person. i crave deep conversations, intellectual conversations, but i also crave those "girl listen up" conversations. i crave the connection that has left me every single time my entire life.

i look at everyone elses life online knowing my mediocresy and general offputting vibe would never be enough.

i am no ones best friend, and i have no best friend.

i get so scared leaving comments (yes COMMENTS!) on posts because what if im coming off the wrong way, what if this sounds weird, im being so fake, none of them are anything like you.

i cant communicate or reach out in discord servers.

my social anxiety (which at this point is just directly derivative of my ASD) prevents me from talking to others if theres even the chance they know im a human and im me. discord, comments, dms, compliments in class, let alone an offer to get coffee or head to the library to study.

i will never have late night on roof top parking garages with wine and music, surrounded by the people i love and who love me back.

i will never have days where we have been in the water so long all of our fingers are raisins, and we can run towards the towel with sandwichs and cocktails waiting for us.

how does one survive, being the most offputting and generaly confusing person in a room, yet the lonliest. the most deprived.

comment if you'd like, comment if this resonates, and comment to say hi. please. please please please dont be like me. talk. and it doesnt even have to be here. talk to people, leave that comment, send that dm, make that post.

#rant #yeah that was long and excessive im sorry thats probably why i have no friends to hahahah #im proud of you #friends #lonely #alone #no friends #isolated

[cyanlastride]

can i tell you a story? for my own good, not yours. you have no obligation to listen.

im warning you now, its an unpleasant one.

the summer before grade 10, i made the best choice of my life. i was feeling a bit lonely, and inspired by my dad to try playing D&D. finding myself lacking real-life friends -- it was the summer, you see, the most barren and socially isolating time of the year, beating even christmas break -- i took to Roll20, an online forum where people meet and start TTRPG groups, dnd5e being chief among them. now, i grew up very closely to the internet. club penguin, nexuiz/xonotic, planeshift, i grew up socializing with people online quite often. but internet forums, even as dull as reddit, werent really my thing. hell, i only got this tumblr account recently. so, making the spur of the moment decision to make a roll20 account and reply to an LFG for new players was really quite a leap for me. a complete shot in the dark.

but it paid off. we had a bit of a rocky start after our first GM ran off never to be seen again, but one of the players stepped up to be our new GM and we played almost every week for almost a year and a half. i forged a strong bond with both the players and the characters -- at the time, i didnt really distinguish between the two. we had some close calls, a lot of near misses, and my character even died once. our party had two paladins, and i was one of them, so resurrection wasnt too big of a deal. eventually, though, we bite off more than we could chew, and land in some pretty hot water. specifically, an underground church full of rats. how we ended up there and the mighty battle that took place are wonderful and thrilling stories for another day. we had to stop the session mid-battle, i dont remember why, but we picked it up the week after. when we came back, we were prepared to fight to the last. if either myself or the other paladin survived, we could resurrect the party with the diamonds on the iron band i had forged around my wrist. if any of the other party members survived, they could bring the bodies up to the surface and get help. we just had to win the fight.

now, being a new player playing pretty much a pre-gen'd paladin, i went the standard plate armour plus sword and board. this made my AC suuuper high, enough that enemies could only really hit me on a roll of 18+. also, if they rolled a nat 20 against me, i had a magic shield that would absorb some of the blow and actually heal myself and my allies for a couple turns. so the only way they can actually hurt me reliably is if they rolled 18 or 19. i was facing off against some random rogue that i didnt know and didnt care to know. if i landed one solid hit on this lady, i could smite her into oblivion. she was a goon, basically.

a goon that rolled three 19s in a row.

a goon that killed me, and any chance i had of saving my friends.

rolling an 18 or a 19 on a 20 sided die is 1/10. rolling three in a row is (1/10)^3, or 1/1000. one in a thousand. that sounds small, right?

fate and chance make mockeries of our lives more often than anyone cares to admit.

we kept playing after that, made new characters, but the loss was real. that probably sounds stupid, especially to people that have had real people close to them die, but to me, my closest friends of the past year were gone because of a stupid chance.

ive taken small risks more seriously since then. i dont drive, and i stare drivers in the eye when i cross the street. im not scared of dying, but i want to see it coming.

when covid started, i spent a lot of time staring death in the face.

not my own death. i was/am unlikely to die from covid. i barely even go outside enough to be at risk of catching a cold. im young, and im healthy.

my parents are older, and less healthy. my mom is a highschool teacher.

ive spent the last 4 years thinking every so often about what i would do if they died. ive treated it as a real possibility that something could happen to them. ive been mentally preparing myself. even now that we're mostly out of the covid danger zone, that preparation remains.

i never considered what might happen if only one of them fell ill. when my dad messaged me that my mom was going into emergency surgery, i could handle that. when my mom was moved into the ICU, i was glad. she is getting the care she needs from experts and professionals, and shes doing okay.

when we get the call that my dad's father, who lives in a resthome in another city, hasnt been seen in two days and that the ambulance just drove away without loading anyone in the back, i can handle that. to be honest i really didnt know my pappa that well.

when my dad, my stoic old dad, breaks into tears after starting the sentence "they can't both die..."

thats harder.

one in a thousand.

its not as small as you think it is.

thank you for listening. my mom, my dad, myself, we're going to be okay.

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all

[kettlepickle]

How do people even make friends?

I'm having a meltdown and my anxiety is winning right now so I'm going to vent because theres nothing else I can do

I have friends, I've known them for a long time but I don't understand how these friendships came to be

I was never a child that had a shit ton of friends, only ever 3 or 4 kids but only one of them was really my friend

Then in middle school I met some other kids but didn't work out too well and I don't talk to most of them except 5 or 6 people

We met because I was on a group project with them and just kept talking to them after ninth grade (the pandemic "helped" amd we kept talking on whatapp since then)

Now I go to college and have not made any friends and don't know how

I also figured out I'm autistic (got diagnosed this year) and stopped masking most of the time and told this to the class

I like my friends but I just wished I had people to talk to at my class because I just feel like I dont fucking belong (my friends don't go to my university and I'm basically an outcast there)

I genuinely don't know how to make friends, I never learned how to do a first impression on people and don't know how to engage

I feel like I don't have anything interesting to other people and act too weird to be liked by neurotypicals

I can't even summon the courage to talk to other autistics because I just don't know how to start a conversation without embarrassing myself for being weird and uncanny

I've heard that people think I act standoffish and odd specially when I was masking so I decided to stop just because it wasn't working

Now I feel lonely and I don't even know how to tell that to my own friends cause they already deal with a lot of shit in their lifes, putting my anxiety on them just feels daunting and makes my anxiety even worse

I've been on tumblr for a while just because I wanted to meet more people but I just have no idea where to start and now i feel useless

Even when i take the steps to get to know more people i still end up isolated

I just don't know how to function like a fucking normal person and it makes me feel like shit

It gets worse because i do have friends, but we just talk via social media and barely see each other and i feel like shit because why would i feel lonely, i have friends and a nice life why is everything so hard when i have all the help i need and still i manage to fuck my social life up when people have it much worse than i do

I feel like a fucking idiot because i have all the support i could get and still destroy every opportunity to make friends by being too weird

I hate feeling lonely why do I feel so lonely as an adult this shit sucks

I used to be so different as a child, I didn't know how to make friends back then either but I could just copy the adults and it would work at all times and the adults thought I was so smart and mature, now other adults think I'm too weird and I hate kids (not directly, can't stand their energy and they're loud sometimes) so nobody likes me anymore besides my family and my only friends

I hate being this socially inept I'm so fucking incapable of talking to people

Even in social spaces for autistic people here on tumblr i feel like i can never belong

I guess i couldn't admit that I hated myself before

I don't think I hated myself, I guess that's why I grasped my self confidence so strongly ultill I crushed it and now it's gone

I created my personality around being smart and getting good grades in everything, but ever since I started 10th grade my grades have been declining and I guess I'm late to the fact that I don't have any real interests and don't know how to have a social life

Nobody's gonna read this anyway I don't know why I even fucking bother

I hate myself and I hate my neighbors and I hate everyone that missed little child me when I was obviously autistic and my parents juts heard that I would grow out of it but years later I got diagnosed

Sometimes i question my autism diagnosis but then this shit happens but i still doubt it

I'm really spiraling huh

My mental health is getting so much worse and I don't know if the therapist I'm.going to start seeing next week is going to fix it because the other therapist I was seeing before was completely useless to me and just made everything worse

Guess I just fucking hate myself

#venting #autistic

[scourgethewhorehog]

long post abt social spaces specifically online and offline, unrelated to any recent events so don't put words in my mouth it just is part of me reflecting on trauma shit+ journaling + understanding why i lacked boundaries for so long and trying to sympathize with why other people may Also lack boundaries even if it doesnt , excuse certain shit

man does anyone else realize that condemning people as evil or dismissing them or insisting they are inherently bad to continue existence in a way they feel doesnt align to their worldview for things that dont actually cause harm on other people and are actually decent outlets to redirect traumatic experiences n passing judgement on them to the point theyre isolated to an incredibly small group of people to seek acceptance actually makes everyone worse off

and makes people question themselves and their morals to the point they eventually give up on trying to be a good person and actual bad people use this to infiltrate these groups of rejected traumatized people because of this us vs them mentality that comes from being rejected by wider society both by virtue of a lot of these ppl experiencing irl oppression 98% of the time and also have to deal from rejection even from any support group they may have to help them deal with very real life issues because everyone is inventing online problems and reasons to ostracize people more for like what for power for feeling like theyre better themselves in the face of all they also face in real life...

anyways this is just me thinking of how many people i see from a distance that have so much common ground with me and otherwise would be fine to be around but would hate me for being like a dirty evil queer with the kind of autism that isnt cute enough for tiktok who doesnt understand social cues or having the wrong kind of system or too bizarre of an identity as it is so when someone who comes along that checks so many of the boxes of just at least not fucking hating you you put up with So much shit. and thats what lead to like half of the abusive close relationships we've been in babey!

and when you talk to people outside of these circles, trying to get away from all the people who hurt you in them, there is subtle victim blaming, recovery spaces admonish you for having been in these spaces in the first place, insisting if you hadnt been who youve been you wouldnt be around these Inherently Bad people....

it doesnt help that in real life we did Everything right to not be the Bad Child, never dyed our hair until recently when we had enough, and never spoke out and paid all our bills on time and most gay people are disgusting perverts but youre quiet enough and never come out to your parents friends and never are too loud about it even if youre dying inside and want to cry when you have to say your partner is just your friend whose coming over because its a death sentence, god forbid we get into gender because even if we're trans in the end its just some sort of dykefag anyways and nothing gets acknowledged except the same imagined scenario of like. being a dirty depraved sex pervert even if you struggle to touch other people and are terrified to tell anyone about that.

being an assumed danger to other people no matter how harmless you are sucks. its like, i come online to all these people where, at surface level expression, maybe would like me, because physically everyone near me wouldn't if i was half honest, but i'm still too much for them too now and i'm left feeling exactly like i do day to day. the internet isn't really escapism anymore its the same shit with a new coat of paint. i go through life thinking these people are good people and would be cool in any other circumstance, and i wish them the best, but the minute i am me i am a problem and something is wrong and all the kindness and good will they have and their favorite dessert and birthday and the things i recognize of them and love and care about wont matter anymore because i stopped being a person to them, and it happens to me online now too! and that sort of blows but at least i actually have real friends now who are like family and ill count my blessings on that.

#infection #reader beware

[blautitlewave]

Maybe I’m just really feeling the isolation and lack of opportunity to do things but adulthood is so not fun. No friends and just a constant crippling sense of “been there, seen that” or else “god what is the point when there are old fucks in my capital trying to rip away my ability to live my best life with their greed and religious zealotry”.

No wonder people on this site have been stereotyped as using fiction to cope and losing their minds over shit that ain’t real. I’m using it to cope hella hard right now and fuuuuuck does the real world not stack up to a fantasy where LGBT and women and minorities are respected and everyone just fucking lets people live. Fuck.

I’m in my mid 20s so my “teenager rage” has been tempered into something cool and cutting. I dont have it in me to have my whole system overwhelmed by emotions like young Gen Z does. I once had that ability, but the hormones have long since calmed down. But if anything I’m much less willing to take bullshit arguments from people, nor am I willing to entertain cowardly liberal non-solutions. The only thing stopping me from fully co-signing violent revolution is my knowledge of history, and that when people start getting that group bloodlust going, it often turns into mob mentality, leading to scapegoating and an excuse for petty vengeance rather than justice. Not to mention the sexual violence and mutilation and torture that creeps up.. I don’t trust my fellow countrymen to have the self-discipline to not fall prey to such things, especially with how individualistic our culture is.

Eghhh

[lilyharvord]

OKAY WAIT I LOVE YOUR CORIANE THOUGHTS!! i never really put much thought into marecal kids besides reading the epilogue or fanfics and being like okay cute. but your headcannon about the political impact of calore children with red blood is so interesting and i 100% agree with you. if you have any further ideas or writing i would love to hear it! the way the world world and silver succession would adjust/react to cal’s abdication and marecal’s relationship post broken throne is so fascinating to me.

🥺 NONNIE, I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

First of all, Cal's abdication is the biggest slap in the face to the Silver Secession (particularly Larentia who I headcanon leads the whole thing like a shadow puppeteer. Her husband died trying to keep that Calore brat on the throne, you can bet she's got two bones to pick with him even though she wants him on that non-existent throne just so they can go back to the "old ways"). They took him abdicating personally. They send him letters almost weekly, and they are all super passive aggressive comments about his birthright, and how denying it is akin to spitting on his father's grave, and later akin to pissing on it when Cal just burns all the letters and refuses to reply.

Anyway, the political impact of Cal and Mare's marriage. Ho boi, that one is a dousy. There's a reason they have a small wedding with only their very close family and friends. They try to keep it hush hush, for a little while, but of course the Silver Secession finds out because they find out everything. They bother the living hell out of Anabel until she sends one very threatening letter back after which the letters come far and few between (she never tells Cal what she put in that letter but she always gets a wicked gleam in her eye when he asks). But the political impact of their marriage is heard round the continent. Lets be real here: Cal is no longer a prince, but he is still a very high profile figure in the Nortan government (now the States). Mare is both a prominent Scarlet Guard figure and Montfort one. There are very LOUD whispers saying that Montfort forced them to marry to create a permanent bridge between the two countries. That Montfort is using Mare as a leash on Cal and the States to dictate how they function etc. (Which may or may not be the actual truth)

They dont want kids at first. Cal's a little heartbroken about it of course. He wants kids, has always wanted them. But Mare is right, and their children would be in danger from the moment Mare conceives. Then Mare says fuck it, I want a baby. They try and she gets pregnant. The Silver Secession finds out. Those letters that stopped coming for a while come back, but with a fury from hell. It gets so bad (after Mare is actually almost kidnapped at one point) that they have to go underground and hide until the baby is born. Dane and Carmadon offer the cabin in Paradise valley because it's location is actually incredibly secret and isolated and safe. So they go there, and Coriane is born a few months later. Cal cries in relief because her blood is Red. There is no way the Silver Secession will come after her now, but they try and it is the most hellish three years of Mare and Cal's life. It puts them off from having any more children. There are eleven kidnapping attempts before Coriane is even a year old (one for every month she is alive and breathing air)

Then they just stop. The letters stop coming, the kidnappings stop. Mare and Cal walk on egg shells, Coriane toddles along, growing by leaps and bounds and making them proud every second of every day. She's loud and proud and walks around saying: My name is Coriane BARROW Calore. When people try to call her Coriane Calore. They find out that the Silver Secession is not happy with Coriane being Red. And People whisper when they go to the States. Some people who are not exactly part of the Silver Secession but who still whisper "Long Live Tiberias the Seventh" when Cal passes in the street with Coriane on his shoulders and Mare at his side are not happy either. They sneer at the giggling toddler at his side reaching to touch the pretty things in the market. They jeer at her Red blood when she laughs so hard her cheeks burn bright, cherry apple red. They frown when they see Mare nuzzle her neck and press kisses all over her face. They especially dont like when Cal glares at them until they pull back into their stalls or shops or go back to their coffees and newspapers. Around this time, (In my headcanons) Coriane meets Nikolas Samos (second born to Wren and Ptolemus) and they become instant friends. A dangerous thing of course... for obvious dynasty reasons, and this fuels the Silver Secession for a little while.

Then Mare gets pregnant again. Shade is the definition of a Whoopsie! Baby. They immediately go into hiding this time. They take Coriane, Cal takes a leave of absence, Mare takes one too, and they dont tell ANYONE where they are going. The reason? The nurse who did mare's check up told someone it was a boy, and that person had some nefarious connections to a certain Silver Political group that was running on fumes up until that moment. The first letter that arrives at their little house in Ascendant is written in beautiful court handwriting (Larentia's unmistakable tact in every word of that letter) and swears fealty to Tiberias Calore the Eighth who isn't even born yet. Cal torches that letter with his bare hand before Mare can even read it. Coriane doesn't like being taken away from her cousins and her grandma and grandpa and her aunt Farley, but they go in the dead of night and don't look back.

Shade is born in the middle of a storm like Clara, and Sara is the only person to see Mare or Cal in six months. They come back to Ascendant two months after Shade is born with a healthy baby boy, and everyone looses their minds. There are six kidnapping attempts in two months. Mare and Cal dont sleep for weeks, there is one dead Silver Secession member who got halfway down the street before Mare used Brain Lightning for the first time and liquified his insides. She is so horrified by it she cries herself to sleep for three nights because Coriane saw her do it, saw what her mother could do, and won't come near her out of fear.

But that too passes after a few years, because it gets around that Shade is a Red baby that looks more like Mare and her dead brother than Cal. Then it's back to Coriane, who by now is old enough to begin to understand what is going on around her. She starts to notice the whispers, the pointing, the stares when she goes out with her dad to train. (She accidentally set her bedsheet on fire after a nightmare, and that is where the trouble begins again). The letters start coming again, but they're addressed to her instead. She's only ten, so when she gets the first one with her name on it in pretty writing, she opens it before Mare or Cal notice, and is so confused by what is in it that she shows them it for clarification. Mare takes it and rips it to pieces, and Coriane cries about it, because that was HER letter. They have to sit her down with a very young Shade then and tell her a story about brothers, crowns, and mutations, death, war, and pain, and sorrow, and love. Then she understands. She's eleven when she does her first broadcast to denounce a throne that doesn't even exist anymore. She shakes with nerves in front of a camera, and has to hold a notecard with what she has to say on it. She mispronounces five words, and almost cries when she stumbles over a phrase she doesn't even understand, something about ever and always and crowns being broken. Cal stands behind her the whole time, squeezing her shoulders in reassurance. The nightmares begin after that for him, because there is a letter sent telling him of a distant Calore relative who is very interested in Coriane and would like to meet her. When Cal looks into him, he finds out he's 45 years old. And when I tell you he packed a bag the moment he finished that letter and drove to the airfield to take an air jet himself and kill the man, I tell you that Mare stopped him by standing in the middle of the runway and refusing to let him take off without going through her. "You give them what they want if you go after him." she tells him when he breaks down and kneels before her while she sits on their bed holding his head against her stomach. They NEVER tell Coriane about that, but there is two more letters that come like it.

Coriane and Nik becomes very close, dangerously close. There is one fic I will write at some point where both of them are taken and they actually get them away from Montfort and to a secondary location. There is man hunt led by Cal and Ptolemus and they do not keep those children for long. There is no record of what happened at that dilated mansion in the middle of the woods in the upper States, but Cal comes back with Silver blood under his nails and Coriane in his arms four days later.

When she gets older, much much older, into her later twenties, three different people send requests for her hand in marriage. She burns those letters and doesn't even deign them a response. Shade gets similar requests, and he throws the letters away. The Silver Secession goes out with a whimper, and eventually Coriane and Shade are safe. But inbetween their childhood and those years, people start whispering different things. "The word is changing, it's really changing" they whisper, and then say, "A Calore had two children, both Red, and they are kind."

#(*ask lily*) #(*shut up lily*) #red queen #glass sword #kings cage #war storm #broken throne #post broken throne #coriane barrow calore #shade barrow calore #It's a long post I'm sorry!!!! #I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings on them #especially the political implications of their birth #and Mare and Cal's marriage

[spiltscribbles]

aftermath of the war, James and lily dont die, but Remus can’t forgive Sirius and James for believing he was the spy (I adamantly believe lily never beloved such a thing and never knew they were swapping keepers). cause these were the friends who promised they wouldn’t see him any different because of his lycanthropy and when push came to shove they did :(

in responce to THIS FIC

 Oh God Nonny! I don’t deserve this abuse!!! This aching! But yes this is like my guilty pleasure FIC idea to write! I have so much to talk about for this AU!!

Like first of all, yes I completely agree that Lily never suspected Remus, I literally feel that with my entire chest!!  However, I don’t think his lycanthropy was the sole reason that allowed Peter to finagle his way into turning the tides and making James and Sirius suspicious of him. It had to do with his secrecy and all that as well, but his identity as a werewolf was definitely a huge part!!! No argument!

Like I need to stress that I don’t think James or Sirius ever fully thought that Remus was the spy, but the suspicion was enough to poison their bonds and enough to make them isolate Remus from their actual plans, and that’s almost just as bad to me.

And I know there are a bunch of R/S shippers who are going to hate this take, but it’s simply flat out true. The suspicion was awful and disgusting of them— I’ve experienced things like this simply being a brown female, like being told that my white boss at the clinic I was volunteering at thought I looked “intimidating” while I was laughing and chatting with my coworker who just so happened to be a black female with braids. Even though every patient who came up to me was saying it was “so nice to have a pleasant, smiling face in the front” which was also weird but lol life of a girl I guess XD And I experienced it with folks who I considered close friends who claimed things like I only got into their top university’s because of my skin color lol.

micro aggressions are real and painful and they can pop up even with your closest friends who are part of a privileged group of people. And they can snowball into really awful situations.

Taking this into the HP world, and the fact they were a bunch of teens and early somethings fighting a war, these stereotypes can so easily implode into something sickening. And Werewolves in this setting were displaced and ridiculed and discriminated against through the entirety of the series. So yes, of course a couple of pure bloods like Sirius and James, who were probably brought up with these lessons (even if they didn’t believe it themselves) would’ve been swayed by this. These ideas can always soak in and they can color their thoughts implicitly, if not purposefully. It’s simply the fact of institutionalized  discrimination that’s embedded into all folks who are not part of that minority group.

So yes, it makes me so mad— even though I’ve done it in one of my own one shots— when these kind of AUs have Remus forgiving Sirius and James almost immediately.

Like I understand he has a differential instinct, but it’s not enough for him to merely forget about it so quickly. I don’t think he could’ve ever forgotten. And I think it’s a pregnant weight that’s going to color his conversations and interactions with them for years to come. 

And I do always believe in Wolfstar endgame, and I love to pieces the bromance between James and Remus, but it’s going to take a lot of healing to have them back to how they were in Hogwarts IMHO, and Lily is definitely a bridge between them who’s trying to get James and Sirius to give him the proper space, and for Remus to not keep everything bottled up.

However, I do think that Remus realizing that Lily and James nearly died with Harry would play a huge part in speeding up the forgiveness process, and I don’t think that innate tugging towards Sirius will ever go away. 

All right I’m stepping off my soap box, but yes Nonny I nearly completely agree with you ioadmoakjireogjf and now I wanna write a sad but hopeful FIC all about this!!!

Chat With Me🌸

#WOLFSTAR #REMUS LUPIN #SIRIUS BLACK #SIRIUSXREMUS #REMUSXSIRIUS #MARAUDERS #JAMES POTTER #LILY EVANS POTTER #LILY EVANS #HARRY POTTER SERIES #THE HARRY POTTER SERIES #ANALYSIS #ANALYSIS BY LEN #HEADCANONS #HEADCANONS BY LEN

[ifyouseekay468]

what do YOU personally think the teenagers (mcr) lyrics are about my friend ? like i keep thinking about them but im not sure im going somewhere

okay, ive answered this ask twice on mobile and each time my phone deleted it, so here I go, the FINAL version of this post

It's been a hot minute since I listened to teenagers so I decided to do a quick run-through of the lyrics, and while Gerard&Co were raised catholic the lyrics seem to REEK of protestant trauma, so that's what I'll be going off of, but I'm pretty sure the two denominations overlap here. The first verse is about kids in youth group, Christian GirlsTM especially, who are put there to pressure you into being "normal" into "cleaning you up with the lies in the book" (bible), although the pastor is the one giving the teaching THESE are the people who will get you to BELIEVE, who will get you to lie to yourself, who will get you to church camps that on some level utilize brainwashing techniques, and will DESTROY you with the idea that you're "Just one of them, and just need to change everything about yourself and fake your way through every last sermon to be just a part of the gang",

The part about sleeping with a gun and keeping an eye on you is about two things: one, about the idea that God can see all your thoughts, that THINKING about "sin" (ie; fantasizing about sex) is as bad as COMMITTING sin (which is fucked up entirely on its own because fantasy is SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM REALITY and that is a CRUCIAL aspect of sexual expression in order to safely engage in sex), AND the fact that these kids will pretend to be your friend, will prod you into doing things with them, into telling them things about yourself all the while making you feel like "part of the group" when really they're just blabbing either to religious leaders, or are ostracizing you and bullying you behind your back.

"The drugs never work"

This in my opinion points to the fact that this song is specifically about being QUEER in a christian culture. It is common for trans people to turn to drugs or psychedelics in an area that has little to no access to gender affirming care, or acceptance because they both change reality and disconnect one from the body that is causing their dysphoria. It can also help burn away the guilt, so to speak.

The methods of keeping you clean is about two things: one, about purity culture, no smoking, no drinking, no friends who drink, no sex, no porn, no masturbation, no impure thoughts. The second, is the way they're able to subtly manipulate you into hiding yourself, into lying to yourself, into forcing yourself to the point of death into being cishet. They're keeping you clean not just from the vices of addiction, but the vices of the flesh, the vice you can't escape because it's a part of you from the day youre born. On a darker note, this could also be referring to c*nversion th*rapy, given this second interpretation of the lyrics

"Ripping your head and aspirations to shreds," Is again about two things in my opinion: both the idea of "losing yourself to God's will" that usually leads one to losing their identity and getting depression and fucked up mental health, and the "shift" that happens at church when you reach a certain age. You know the kind, right? You're four years old, and church is FUN! You get to go to this big room and sing and dance on stage with all your friends! You get to play GAMES! You get to talk to the ~cool teenagers~ who are ~Just like you~ and ~think youre a "cool kid"~, you have ~best friends~ who will be with you like Jesus and the 12! but then, one day, something happens, something SHIFTS. maybe the Sunday school teacher leaves, maybe there's a new family at church, maybe the church changes buildings. Maybe none of that has to do with any of it, all you know is that now things are forever different. Church isn't fun anymore. The kids classes are repetitive, they're bribing you into memorizing bible verses with money, they DONT reward critical thinking or analysis, but they do call you smart, that's because they dont want SMART kids they want OBEDIANT ones. You have no choice but to stat going to REAL church. Suddenly, your best friends are not your best friends. Suddenly they're avoiding you. Suddenly they're lying to you. Suddenly you're too... well they don't know the word yet but "gay" for them...

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

This is what youth group does to you, it isolates you from your entire generation because there are few people your age and a whole lot older than you, and everyone is so much DIFFERENT from you for some reason, but neither of you know why, not yet anyways. This makes you distance yourself from teenagers, because you can't SEE yourself as a teenager, because youre nothing like other teenagers.

"They could care less as long as someone will bleed,"

This is the martyr complex that permeates youth culture like the smell of wine, the problem? these kids love to make a show of themselves and their martyrdom, but they're unwilling to martyr themselves, so what do they do? They throw someone else to the wolves and take the glory. They ostracize and eliminate the unique in the name of preserving their faith. They convert and convert and god help anyone who doesn't want to convert.

"So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose"

This is about deconversion, how the moment you leave the church you never want to see another cross till the day you die, that you want to avoid christians of all costs because you don't want them To drag you back into the pit that devoured you. So you do anything and everything you can to make yourself repulsive to Christians, which actually coincides with your indulgence of mundane activities previously considered as "sin"

"Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,"

There's a different between a cishet ex Christian and a queer ex christian, and that difference is that a cishet atheist is more likely to be left alone than a queer one, especially a queer one whose whole demeanor screams "Christians be gone," that shit is like... it summons christians faster than free winter jam tickets! They swarm to you frothing at the mouth with holy water waiting to either convert you or exorcise you into purity, depends on if you want them or not. Again, you don't even have to be OPENLY gay, they can TRACK this shit. it's like fucking... INSTINCT or something.

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick, you're never gonna fit in much kid,"

as alluded to above, this lyric is about how, even from a young age, BEFORE youth group, this toxic culture kind of develops. ESPECIALLY around christian girls. They don't have the vulgarity of slurs, but they can make up for it with slang like "tomboy" "nancyboy" "too boyish" "a sissy" "Weird" etc, youre NEVER going to fit in, because the moment that "shift", from fun games and songs to Real Church, occurs, you have a target on your back.

"But if youre troubled and hurt what you got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did,"

This is probably a gun. But that's a tad too boring for my taste. If you were raised protestant you KNOW that being an ex protestant, after the craziness of evangelicalism, you would not hesitate to burn down your old church. It could be a secret tattoo, top surgery scars, hell maybe even nipple clamps. Whatever it is, it's symbolic of revenge. I know that anytime I wore my labrys necklace to church I would always hide it under my shirt. I hid books and CDs under there too. Again, it's about revenge, it's about breaking free, gun or no gun, the point is getting out and getting back at them.

and thats pretty much my take on the song. Again, this is not about artist intent this is just what the lyrics reminded ME of personally (as you can see from the over biographical bullshit I wrote), I'm always open to contradicting interpretations though as I always have like 2+ interpretations of a song or book! I never really saw the song through the lens of youth group specifically but when I went over the lyrics again in retrospect it all seemed to really click (pun not intended) well! Thanks for the ask!

#anon #okay to rb #religious trauma #ex christian #religious trauma syndrome #ex baptist #ex protestat #apostate #MCR #mcr #my chem #my chemical romance #the black parade #welcome to the black parade #gerard way #ray toro #frank iero #Mikey way

[scarecoen]

Trigger warning ⚠️ domestic violence.

I've typed this story a million times so I'm just going to summarize as much as I can.

A few days ago I was assaulted by my partner's family members. And as I've mentioned, I've typed this a million times and I'm honestly just exhausted thinking about it, but we could use some help.

My partner has always had a transphobic family. (I don't have anyone but my dad, who's in no position to help anyone.)

Her mom used her disability against her and manipulated her into giving her MOST of her checks. She's abused the system and my girlfriend.

When I met Jackie, she was with a terrible biggot. Jackie had came out, and her mother conspired with an abusive long distance ex, to fly her here, to stage an "intervention" and stop my partner from transitioning.

It worked. For years.

I met Jackie here on tumblr, we became good, SECRET friends because she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

I told Jackie openly about my views regarding gender and how I myself, was not cis.

Eventually she told her partner about us playing games together, which she responded to by harassing me.

Jackie ended up spilling the beans to me, about her mom, about the ex, everything. I realized that she had been extremely isolated and controlled her whole life.

So I intervened.

I got the two of them to separate, which wasn't smooth because Jackie was scared. She had been with her abuser for 9 years at this point. She's never known anything else.

The ex moved back to her state, and I started seeing Jackie, although she was stuck at her mom's... who was trying to play innocent at this time.

Eventually, I kinda just came and picked her up, she stayed the night, she didn't want to go back home. And I can't blame her. The house wasn't only disgusting, her family microagressed her all the time and they would tell her to pretty much stay in a dark room all day.

Ofc I didn't bring her back.

During early quarantine, we had a lot of self reflection and she started distancing herself from her mother, coming around to holding her accountable for her horrible actions.

Her mom messaged her things like "Why won't you talk to me? It's like you're trying to punish us!" Ect, just every fucking manipulative thing she could say, without ever apologizing.

Unfortunately the place we were staying fell through when my best friend's ex husband decided he wants a divorce and decided to throw in some transphobic hatespeach towards me.

We were all looking for somewhere to go.

I'm sure you know where this is going but listen, she told us EVERYTHING we wanted to hear. She told us she's not hateful now, told us she would go to trans support groups, pride, said she's realized how much she loves Jackie and it's time to accept her- and look- we had NO WHERE TO GO. We have 2 cats and at the time, a car that has no a/c or functional locks. AND I have a chronic autoimmune condition that I recently started taking chemo meds for. (Methotrexate.)

I'm too sick to be on the street, and survive. I had to think about me, Jackie, Zoe, and Boops.

And Jackie wanted to go..

I told her we'd be cautious and try to get out asap.

Well, looking for places right when the housing market crashed really fucked us up. That- and because I had only just finally got approved for disability, means I was set back in life- and had no credit to my name. No credit= no place to live.

I had almost built enough, but things went down hill very quickly with her family. Which leads us to right now:

After weeks of microagressions, giving us breakthrough covid cases, yelling at us to clean other's messes, and forcing us and our cats to isolate in our room, many broken promises, and straight up transphobic hatespeach (because she promised to get vaccinated but then said nvm as soon as we moved in and she went on vacation and got covid and gave it to us, which nearly killed me--) she said not getting the vaccine "IS A CHOICE, JUST LIKE YOU BEING TRANS AND TAKING *gestures to my testosterone* THOSE DRUGS."

We just were avoiding each other while I desperately try to gather resources for us to get out, NOW.

Of course, that wasn't good enough, so when her step father messaged her in all caps about our cats having to stay in our room and "I WON'T FUCKING TELL YOU AGAIN" my partner had a breakdown..

Her mom had let her step dad talk to her like this her whole life, basically.

Out of desperation, we went to her sister for help, maybe hoping she'd give us a place to stay for two weeks while we sign off on the lease for our new apartment.

She pretended to want to help and even said... something fucking weird? She made the comment that I'm a good person and I'm so much like her own boyfriend, that it's "scary"...

A few hours later she came to the house. She talked nicely to us, to gain access to our bedroom.

Then she attacked me.

I called the police right before, and was on the phone with dispatch when she lunged at me because she was aggressively trying to MAKE Jackie go into a separate room WITHOUT ME and Jackie was saying no, BEGGING her to STOP.

I wasn't going to let her take Jackie into that room. She looked fucking crazy.

All of the family came into our room, her two sisters, her mom, and her cousin- When they heard yelling.

It was actually me telling her mom that she's a terrible mother, that triggered her sister to try and attack me- although I knew she was planning on trying to from the moment she came into our room.

And that was after her mom was screaming in my face that if I have something to say, say it now.

Dispatch heard everything and sent emt as well...

But the police stayed outside, talking to them for a WHILE before even asking for us.

Her cousin is the only one that would have stood up for me, saying her sister never should have tried to hit me. But he was in the room with Jackie, giving her support...

I faced the cops alone.

He already had "that look."

He shined a light into my eye, letting the family stay on the porch, throwing insults and just letting it happen. He asked me where I'm hurt, and before I could even show him the scratches on my arm, he said "how do I know YOU didn't put those there?"

I wanted to fucking die in that moment.

This is a conservative city.

No one has equality stickers here. No one flies gay flags. People here that are lgbt- they LEAVE.

This is EXACTLY WHY.

I said "well is there any reason I should tell you anything when, clearly, you're already bias?"

I looked at the emts. I looked at his partner. I looked at all the lights and people coming out of their houses-

And behind me was her family.

Her sister that assaulted me, was laughing about having work in the morning.

All of them were looking at me, with hate in their eyes.

He tried to feed me bullshit about "well if I'm taking someone to jail, there has to be proof."

He dismissed everything I attempted to say, until I just stared at the ground and he decided he did his job here.

I told him my whole fucking body hurts because I had 4 people fucking toss my 100lbs ass all over the fucking room, which was a mess that he refused to look at.

He said "I don't see bruises."

I SPAT "BRUISES TAKE TIME?"

He retorted IMMEDIATELY- "YOU'RE NOT EVEN RED."

I asked what about the dispatcher- she seemed concerned- to which he said "you see, sometimes when people call us- they scream and be dramatic- for a quicker response."

I asked what we could do while the two weeks go by for our new place, and he fucking said "I DONT KNOW. BARRICADE YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING."

Needless to say, we are now safe, in a hotel and I've gotten in touch with a few lgbt organizations that are attempting to help us get justice.

Unfortunately because it's a holiday weekend, all we can do is wait right now.

Our first order of business is getting a protection order, so that we can retrieve the rest of our things without her sister trying to attack us again. (I say us because she kept jumping towards Jackie, like she was threatening to hit her.)

I've been so gaslit and victim blamed that I was too scared to go to the er, even though this all happened in the midst of a flare, possibly including my liver health.

There's so much more to this story, as I'm sure other trans people can relate.. unfortunately.

The emts reluctantly offered to take me to the er, but I was like "and leave my partner here with them?" And he just fucking shrugged dude.

I hate this city.

I want out so bad but unfortunately I've committed to a year, but at least it'll be *our* apartment.

We could NOT stay there for two more weeks. Her step dad is a violent offender that has attempted to murder a homeless prostitute over some fucking pocket change- and he has a GUN in the house.

This hotel might run us into a hole, despite it being the cheapest, shittiest hotel in town, it's still going to be about 700$ for ONE week.

To ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SOMEONE ATTEMPTED TO STEAL MY VEHICLE WHILE WE'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

I'm feeling incredibly paranoid and unsafe, but I'm on anxiety meds now at least and its SORTA helping us cope (My partner and I have the same Dr and she gave her permission to have some.)

The organization BRAVO is trying to help us with a hotel voucher, but because of all the natural disasters, it's hard to find room in charity for people like us, which is fair enough. We aren't immediately on the street, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.

However, if you or anyone you know wish to help you can donate to venmo: kittyzibby. Or you could just signal boost this.

If you can't help, I understand. And IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING FINANCIALLY, don't worry about it, for real.

Right now I'm just scared we'll go into debt before getting the apartment settled in.

I will update on things once our case moves along more, and we were already considering turning to OF sexwork before all of this, so if there could be support that way, maybe we'll get that going once we get moved in. That way, I feel good about providing a service in return.

Thank you so much for sticking with us during all of this. And really- we're doing much better today. We've given each other pep talks, but we are still determined to start our lives together.

Her family was merely trying to scare me away from her, but I got my girl's name tatted on me for a reason.

I know I'm not the bad person here.

Every time Jackie is feeling more gender euphoric, and showing me her changes, and seeing her get more confident, the more I know that what I'm doing with and for her, is right.

I love her so much. And I will never abandon her, like they tried to get me to do.

Jackie is taking a break from some socials, but she's given me permission to talk about what's been happening.

She needs justice too.

I will update as much as I can, but seriously, I think we both just have a fire under our asses now.

Mentally, we're stronger than ever.

Thank you for reading. My heart really goes out to the rest of the queer community that have experienced or are going through similar things.

It's really made me realize why we need to stick together and fight this bigotry bullshit! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

#tw abuse #tw #trigger warning #tw domestic violence #tw trauma #tw assault #tw hatecrime #tw transphobia #tw homophobia #alt #emoboy #emo boy #piercings #altboy #alternative #vent #trans #ftm #genderqueer #nonbinary #enby #nb #transmasc #transgirl #transpoc #trans poc #battery #bruises #tw bruises #tw scratches

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

#anon #tw suicide #long post #sorry i dont shut up💖 this 1 hurt

[theongreyjoy]

Let’s talk conspiracy theories.

Credit for chart : Abbie Richards

Let's talk about conspiracy theories. We are hitting a point where, for some god forsaken reason, conspiracy theories are being normalized- in large part due to Trumpism. This radical shift in what is considered normal, acceptable, and not "crazy" to believe really was given a home after the "fake news" concept took off. 

I've unfortunately had a deeper eye into conspiracy than most people in my life. When I was about 17, a few of my hippie friends (on in particular, started going down the road of cults and conspiracy. Think chemtrails, cancer isn't real, new world order and such, but from a left wing perspective.

 I feel like the early 2000s was a pretty strong time for "hippies" and granola types to latch onto these beliefs. Science denial was especially common.  Unfortunately, my friend group at the time became absolutely infested with these beliefs to the point where not believing in my of them turned you into a pariah, and I ended up slowly edging myself away from these people. When I was 24, my now ex, who suffered from a mental illness, started believing in a lot of techno conspiracies revolving around being stalked by the government, the government installing CP on people's computers, surveillance equipment that could stalk you through air waves if anything electronic is on- resulting in some horrifically violent and terrifying episodes. 

This was a very scary time in my life. So it's fair to say that for me, conspiracy has had no political affliction, but has followed me through my life in a way where I have seen the aftermath and horror that it can trigger in a person's life. I've seen people I love sink deeper and deeper into their bubble to the point of absolute darkness and isolation. Ive seen people lose their jobs, get deep into drugs, abandon their loved ones. Ive been abused, in part, as a result of the horror that conspiracy can instill in the life of the believer. Ive also see how easy it is to go down this road when enabled. When I was with my ex, he spoke with absolute confidence and clarity that what he believed was real. I found myself more than a few times wondering, "what if he's right"....and even that doubt- that belief for even a few moments that a conspiracy theory is correct- THATS the beginning. 

When someone you love or trust, someone who has authority in your life begins to share this information, it can easily be presented as legitimate. You don't need to have the same political beliefs as that person. You can be a moderate. You can be completely logical and start to fall down this hole.So now imagine this. The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES starts to tell you "all news except for news approved by me isn't real". and later, "scientists are not being honest". You like and support him and trust him. He's the president after all. So we have hit that cultist point of doubt. Now, no matter what studies are shown by ANY reputable news source, it is not enough. 

The president has now put a bug in the ear of many Americans already ready to trust him that any legitimately sourced news is incorrect, leaving many people committed in full to unverified sources that only produce information that feeds into those conspiracies. How these sources became radicalized is it's own thing. So, we aren't edging towards a reality where conspiracy is normalized, we are already there. Because top sources have already started that little trick of delusion. 

That little seed of doubt I started to feel when my ex boyfriend encouraged me to "see things from his side". And it trickles from Trump to uncle Rob. and uncle rob to his wife. And his wife to her hairdresser and so on. And, as Abbie Richards has said, the more willing you are to accept a conspiracy theory that passes a certain science denial threshold, the more likely you are to start believing ALL of them- and past a certain point, their narratives begin to weave together. Qanon is allowed to exist because deep state conspiracy theories fuel it and give a backing to it's claims. This isn't an excuse of things like Q/the deep state/etc, but I do want to start having discussions about HOW it's normalized so we can work on ways to denormalize it.

 What I am getting at now is, when I see something like Parlor, which is a right wing "Twitter" I want to say "good, leave" but I also have a deep fear about what this means for extreme radicalization of an already very susceptible base, and what it will mean for normalizing conspiracy theories. The right likes to talk about how fact checking is censorship. Some free speech advocates say that sharing conspiracy theories is free speech and needs to be protected on internet platforms, but allowing people to share those concepts WITHOUT fact checking them is socially irresponsible at best.

 I personally have strong feelings about free speech, but I also believe we should be independently fact checking these claims as much as possible, and I hope to see it more on social media platforms. Platforms like Parlor are scary because the echo chamber, already dangerous through facebook and twitter, is about to get a whole lot more powerful.If you know any of these people, try to reach out. Im not sure what can be done at this point, but allowing right wingers to become further radicalized is a danger to all of us. 

In conclusion- I dont know, but it does scare me.