#i just think it's funny that it took me this. like i had breakdown-worthy situations while in my room but noooo

[spinaroos-47]

Hunter Noceda AU: Venance

(can't digitalize these rn so you'll get the sketches for now)

So yeah, Golden Guard version two!

When Belos does find out about Hunter in YBOS, Hunter gets the bomb dropped about them being related (idk how yet). but Hunter obviously doesn’t believe in it. Until Hunting Palismen comes around and they find this small thingy, Venance.

(thank you @bernardo-draws-and-cries​​ for the name. Its based on the name Venâncio, which means “the one who hunts”)

He is another grimwalker made by Belos, he’s 12 (yeah.) and way more stressed (Belos has gotten more iron fisted after losing Hunter). Someone save this poor child

- He’s just starting out as the Golden Guard (and he’s not a coven head. Kikimora is. And she still wants him dead too), he’s still getting the hang of it. He does act tough and serious, way more serious than canon GG/Hunter, no space for goofyness.

- So yeah, a duo Hunting Palismen thing would be fun. Haven’t sorted out everything here but I do think Hunter would also go with Luz because of no palisman reasons. And he hasn’t met Ven yet, he only heard Lilith talking about him and Luz and Eda dealing with him on Separate Tides (he was busy drowning in guilt and trying to help with the money situation in other ways), so when he meets Ven and when he sees his face and how similar they are (and how many scars that kid already has), he’s reasonably confused/upset, like “Oh, that creepy man wasn’t lying. This doesn’t make anything on this situation better”

- After the initial surprise/confusion, Luz and Hunter jokingly call him Ghaterer until they learn his name, then they start calling him Ven. At first Ven hates this nickname but ends up reluctantly accepting it.

- Even before Eclipse Lake he’s so scared about being replaced, and knowing about Hunter’s existence in the Boiling Isles makes it worse, now he’s super sure he isn’t as valuable to Belos anymore. So he hates Hunter

- Hunter: come here youre part of the found family now

Ven: NO

Hunter: too late *picks him up*

Hunter: If Luz taught me something is that if you didn’t want to get assimilated into my found family, you should have killed me when you had the chance

Yeah that’s their dynamic when Hunter learns a bit more about him

- Venance doesn’t have much respect as the Golden Guard yet. He’s small (like, maybe even less than 1,50m/4′11″), young, has just been starting out on this role, like, in the last few months, could easily be picked up like a kitty, so he has to fight quite a bit to be taken seriously. Which results on him being way more grumpy and short tempered

- So he doesn’t take it very well when hes made fun of by the scouts in Latissa. Not at all

- Hunter, who was joking around until then:…are you okay?

Ven: I AM! *barely holding the tears back*

Hunter:

Hunter: that’s it youre part of the family now

Ven: you can’t do that

Hunter: we’re two and you’re one, we have your staff and youre very light.

(he still would put up a fight, and it would take a while for it to end. And he bites hard, he has very sharp fangs)

- Scouts: Go home with your sibiling

Hunter: *oh. Oh yeah i forgot we have the same freaking face*

- They don’t know yet about the grimwalker thing. Well, maybe Ven discovers later but at the moment where Hunting Palismen happens, neither of them know anything besides them being related, Ven got told he is his brother, and that Hunter was taken away from the coven before he was born

- Rascal seeing Hunter: hey you’re cool, i kinda want to be your palisman

Rascal seeing Ven: oh heck this kid needs help 

- I’m not sure if Hunter gets Lil Rascal. Because on one side, would be fun for him to have Lil Rascal and train doing magic like this, but also could be good for Ven to have some small support back at home, like how they are to Hunter in canon. So this hasn’t been decided yet. Hunter could either get Lil Rascal and Ven doesn’t get a palisman/gets a blue jay palisman, or Ven gets Lil Rascal and Hunter comes back also empty handed

- So I’m going with the no palisman for Hunter route for now. 

- It’s a bitter moment for both him and Luz. He tries to convince her that it’s okay, that they’ll get theirs soon, but she still kinda feels like a failure about this. And he himself thinks it’s because they don’t have a magic bile sac, so it’s not a good time for them. Eda and King lift their spirits a bit about this, though.

- Either by peeking around or just flat out being told, Ven does learn about him (and Hunter) being grimwalkers. What does he do with that? He has a crisis about it, which raises even more the stakes for him in Eclipse Lake. He still wouldn’t know his purpose for the Day of Unity, but he would know that he was created for it and could lose his position if he didn’t prove himself worthy of it.

- He would explode at Hunter one day and end up telling the truth about them being Grimwalkers (after Eclipse Lake)

- Ven: Do you want to know what you really are?! You’re a clone! You’re just someone’s clone just like me! A replacement!

Hunter, trying to not freak out but freaking out anyways: ...are you okay?

Ven; WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- If Belos is searching for Hunter, on the grounds of him being a more mature grimwalker than Venance, Ven could end up resorting to sabotaging the searches, he doesn’t want to be replaced.

- And he’s making Ven convinced that he will be replaced, to pit both boys against eachother. He gets Ven more under his thumb and not risking Hunter making Ven change his mind. Which doesn’t work as he intented, Ven does get scared about it but Hunter ends up pretty quickly going “dude why do you think I want to replace you?” and Ven is quickly thrown into a loop because he can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to do that

- Ven: what do you mean with “I don’t wanna be the Golden Guard”? If you’re like me you should DESIRE IT SINCE YOU WERE BORN

Hunter: lol no. I dealt with my need of approval a year ago on therapy.

Hunter: Also being a cop sucks.

- This boy is a tense child always a few bad moments away from a breakdown/meltdown. And has anger problems. A lot of anger in a very tiny body

- There’s some more interactions between Ven and the Noceda duo, and he would rather die than admit that he’s got slightly attached to them

- Eda: Luz told me that Golden Guard is a uwu smol boi that needs to be protected, hell knows what this means 

Hunter, who definetly came there too because FUCKING COOL ASS CAVE AND LAKE: i hate/love her

Ven: If i ever see that human again-

Amity AND Hunter: watch your fucking mouth

(definetly not how it would play out but very funny sdkdshdfsj)

- In terms of strength he couldn’t defeat Amity in a fight for the key, he would lean more on the blackmailing. He is a 12 year old but he’s still on a position of power on the emperor’s coven and he knows where the key is, it would put the owlfam on Belos’ line of sight again (if they even ever went away from it)

- That or he passes out, gets dragged out of there by them (he’s a lil shit but they’re not going to leave him there alone where Kikimora could kill him) and he falls asleep for 12 hours in the couch on the owl house. Which ends up giving him a day where he can be just a kid. He’s very weirded out by everything but he enjoys it a little bit at least. He would still try to get the key and would be torn apart by the guilt of thinking of doing this and the guilt of not doing this

- It wouldn’t take much to make him want to stay in the owl house. He’s starved for positive attention. It wouldn’t be easy but also it’s not as hard as for how Hunter is right now in canon

- I don’t think this could happen but I keep thinking about one day him and Hunter switching places so he can be just a kid for one day. Would be cool to see him sneaking into Hexside (or being dragged there, which is more likely to happen) and interacting with Willow and Gus

And that’s some of what we have for Ven right now! He’s a fun character to figure out :3

This took SO MUCH TIME to write

#toh #the owl house #long post #golden guard #hunter noceda au #au #toh au #toh oc #i guess? #alec talks #my art #venance

[cevans16]

Choosing Between Two Loves Part 6 ~ Endgame - 2

Summary: You were a Goddess named (Y/N), who had powers similar to Thor and even stronger, you joined the Avengers back when Loki had tried to take over New York. You were great friends with most of them. Tony Stark was someone you were always in love with even though you knew you could never have him. However that all changes when you get to know a certain super soldier....

You were in the compound, Banner had come along to try to crack travel through quantum physics but had yet to be successful. Scott had gone through various phases in his lifetime in the span of a few minutes, you tried your best not to laugh at the situation, especially seeing Steve’s reaction. “It’s not funny” Steve said to you, “I’m sorry but it is just a tiny bit” you replied, “I’ll be outside” he said annoyed.

You walked outside to apologize to Steve, “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have laughed” you said genuinely, “It’s okay, I don’t know what else to do, we all lost someone and there’s nothing I can do, I thought Tony would help but....”, “I think he will Steve, you just have to give him some time, Tony is restless, he’s been through a lot” you explained giving him a gently squeeze on his arm. He turned to smile at you, “I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me about Bucky” he said, “Give him time Steve, at one point I didn’t think I would” you said, “Right, you hated me” he said laughing, you laughed along with him, “I did, I didn’t think I could ever hate you but look where we are, it’s going to work Steve, I know you miss Barnes and Sam and everyone else, we’ll find something” you assured him. You were quiet for a few minutes until Steve spoke again, “Do you still hate Bucky?” he asked you, “Ehhh that is debateable, he did stab me remember” you said to him. Deep down you didn’t hate Barnes but no one could know that, it was a weird feeling for you. “You know he thought you were, these are his exact words, ‘the most beautiful woman he has ever seen’” he explained, “Oh shut up” you said blushing, “I’m not kidding and he’s not wrong -” he was continuing until you heard a familiar car come inside the compound racing towards you, “Speaking of the devil” you said smiling. Sure enough Tony pulled up to you guys in his famous Audi, “Why the long face? Let me guess, he turned into a baby” Tony teased, you burst out laughing, Steve rolled his eyes, “Among other things” Steve replied. Tony got out of the car, “I just want peace” he said motioning the peace symbol with his two fingers. You turned to Steve in a ‘I told you so’ way, “I’ll give you two a minute, please keep it PG” you joked while heading back inside the compound, “Nice to see you too (Y/N)” Tony said.

--------------------------------------------

Everything you had exactly told Steve would happened with Tony ended up happening, they were able to squash their differences and focus on bringing the others back. You were ecstatic to have the team back, however something in your gut told you though that this would be the last mission where you would all be together.

-------------------------------------------

Thor and you were hanging out per usual, you guys always had deep conversations about the journey you both had in common. “Do you think we’re going to do this?” Thor asked sincerely, he knew about your captivity with Thanos, Thor knew everything about you and you knew everything about him. Tony called you both the dynamic duo, he was glad to see you happy to have your best friend back.

“I don’t know, I wish I knew Thor....” you said honestly, you turned to look down at him since he was on the floor relaxing, “I know that it’s not going to be easy but we are in the greatest hands, surrounded by the best we can have....promise me one thing Thor” you said, he looked back at you, “Yes?”, “If it all goes wrong and I don’t make it, promise me that you will live your life to the fullest, no matter what” you said, Thor’s eyes filled up with tears, “Don’t say that to me.... I can’t lose you (Y/N)” he said sadly, “I know but I’ve lived my entire life fighting and just know that I will do everything I can to save this world” you explained. Thor got up to face you, “You and I are going to make it, we all will, and then we will finally enjoy our lives, you’re my greatest friend” he said genuinely, “I know, I love you a lot Thor”, “Who knows, maybe one day you’ll find your mate” he added, “Ehhhh I don’t know about that” you said laughing, “Maybe we’ll find YOU one Thor” you teased.

--------------------------------------

You guys suited up, you had skipped your usual warrior outfit for a suit Tony had specialized for you all to be able to travel through time. You guys lined in a circle around the machine, you looked around at each member of the Avengers; Nat, Steve, Clint, Scott, Rocket, Banner, Nebula, Tony on your right and Thor on your left. You hoped everyone would make it back safely. Steve made his usual motivational speeches that made you all want to go to war with him. He finished it off with “This is the fight of our lives”. 

-------------------------------------

Thor, Rocket, and you traveled back to Thor’s realm, Asgard. You had to extract one of the stones from Thor’s ex, Jane, you were excited to meet her even if it was the past Jane. You guys arrived trying your best to not get noticed by anyone. Next thing you knew, Thor was having a breakdown about being back home, you understood him, on the other hand Rocket slapped him, trying his best to motivate Thor, you guys turned around for a second and Thor was gone. “Looks like its just me and you warrior princess” Rocket said to you. You walked by his side, you needed to give Thor his space. 

A few minutes later you were able to spot Jane walking into a room. You tiptoed slowly before entering the room. “Excuse me? Who are you?” Jane asked when she noticed you. “I’m a friend of Thor’s, look this isn’t going to make sense but you have something that we need and.....”. Next thing you knew Rocket was launching himself onto her knocking her out when she fell and hit her head. “Are you serious right now?” you yelled at him, “What, am I not getting what we needed?” he replied sarcastically, “I thought I left Tony back in New York” you muttered to yourself. 

You guys walked out of the room, only to find a group of Asgardians waiting for you two. “Stay where you are!” they yelled, “We’re friends of Thor’s” you said cautiously, it didn’t work, they ran towards you and Rocket, “Rocket GO!!” you said to him. You stood in defense to fight the group of seven men coming towards you, all those years of training paid off, you got them all down in a matter of two minutes. You picked up a spear before running towards Rocket, who was surprisingly waiting for you a few pillars down. “That was... wow, you want to join the Guardians? Well whatever is left of us” he said. You smiled at him, “Come on, we need to find Thor”. 

You guys walked further down the corridor, the palace reminded you a lot like your old one where you grew up. 

You finally spotted Thor, he was talking to a woman. “Hey Thor, we got what we needed” Rocket said to him, Thor turned to look at you guys, there was tears in his eyes, he gave you a look telling you that was his mother. “It’s a pleasure to meet you my lady” you said to the her while bowing your head, “Ohhh you are just wonderful! Thank you for keeping an eye on my son” she said giving you a strong hug, you embraced her back, hugging her tighter. “(Y/N), we need to go” Rocket said, “Hold on, give me a minute” Thor said, you and Rocket looked at each other a bit confused, then you knew, Thor was waiting for his Mjolnir, “I’m still worthy” he said smiling to himself. 

----------------------------------------------

The three of you traveled to the present, when you landed you noticed most were already back. You looked over at Clint, he looked heartbroken, you felt a pang in your heart, Nat was missing. 

“Did she have any family?” you heard Tony ask, “Yeah....us” replied Steve. You were in disbelief, Nat, the strongest woman you had ever met was gone. “Why are we acting like she’s dead?” Thor said annoyed, “Thor.....she’s gone” you said breaking down in tears, “It was supposed to be me” Clint said angrily. “She’s not coming back guys, we need to do this for her” Banner said. You held a small ceremony in her honor, she had done so much, she needed at least something in her sacrifice.

--------------------------------------------

You were all back inside the compound in the room Tony had built specialized for when you would snap the gauntlet to bring everyone you can back. You had changed back into your warrior outfit, you had to be prepared for anything that could come with messing with time. Banner had volunteered to do it, you all stood around him, shielding yourselves for the impact it could make once he snapped his fingers. The moment he did, he passed out on the floor, “Banner!” you yelled running to his aid, he was conscious but took a nasty burn, luckily Tony had his tool to freeze over what was burnt on Banner’s body. You got up to look around to see if anything had changed, it was eerily silent and then it all went pitch black. 

#Choosing Between Two Loves Part 6 ~ Endgame - 2 #Choosing Between Two Loves #Bucky Barnes x Reader #Bucky Barnes Imagines #Bucky Barnes Imagine #Bucky Barnes #MCU #Sebastian Stan

[paceypeternathanslawyer]

Another Top 10 Female TV Characters (In no particular order)

I posted something like this before but I added some favorite characters and I had to get my feelings down in writing :) You can read my other post, but in summation, the characters I mentioned before were: El Hopper, Anne Shirley, Lorelai Gilmore, Annie Edison, Joyce Byers, Paris Geller, Lois Lane, Jess Day, Midge Maisel, and Millie Helper.

Joey Potter (Dawson’s Creek):

Joey is one of the best characters in Dawson’s Creek. In my opinion the show should have been called “Joey’s Creek” :) She was a far more interesting character than Dawson. I haven’t finished the show yet so I don’t have too much to say about her, but from what i’ve heard she finally achieves her dreams and ends the series in a happy place, which makes me happy. What I do know is that Joey is extremely driven, creative, and smart. She’s also a character who has been through so much and has made it to the other side to be a very strong and kind person. 

Rory Gilmore (Gilmore Girls):

Alexis doesn’t get enough love for her portrayal of Rory. You gotta figure that this was Alexis’ first role ever and she was able to show a lot of emotion in this part, while also being extremely adept at the comedy as well. Rory had her ups and downs but i’ve always been a Rory defender. She’s not perfect, but I also would say that makes her a well rounded character. She’s smart, kind, and an amazing friend. 

Robin Buckley (Stranger Things):

Robin was such an important and fun addition to Stranger Things. She immediately brought such a new and dynamic atmosphere to the show. She’s a genuis... I mean, she fucking cracked a professional Russian code in a day. She’s hilarious and Maya is a tremendous actress. How she can go into a really serious and emotional scene and then go straight into a hilarious scene where she’s high with Steve is just simply amazing.

Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars):

Veronica Mars is my favorite character in the original  3 seasons of Veronica Mars. She’s talented, badass, and snarky/really funny. Veronica is a character who could benefit from therapy, but she’s very stubborn and in the 4th season seems to be adverse to the idea of going to therapy. She has been through more than any high schooler should go through. Even before the events of the 1st season. Her parents divorce, she is raped at a high school party, her best friend is murdered, her father, who was the sheriff at the time, accused her boyfriend’s father of killing her friend/her boyfriend’s sister. Because of that event, her and her boyfriend broke up and she lost her group of friends. Hopefully you followed with that last one cause it’s pretty complicated lol. And that’s just the events before the 1st season. Despite that or possibly because of that, Veronica has become a very strong and tenacious girl with a strong love of justice. She is also a loyal friend. 

Jeannie Nelson (I Dream Of Jeannie):

Jeannie is so sweet and loyal. She is my favorite character in I Dream Of Jeannie. There is truly never a dull moment with Jeannie around. She’s brings the crazy into any situation and I mean that in the best way possible. No, but seriously she is such a positive and sweet character until you cross her and then as a magical genie you will wish you had never been born ;) Also what fun Barbara must have had playing that character, not only because of all the crazy situations she got to play, but also Jeannie had the best wardrobe ever!

Laura Petrie (The Dick Van Dyke Show):

Laura was such a unique TV character for the time. In the early days of Television there were usually two types of women characters. You had the June Cleaver, stay at home, always dressed immaculately in a dress and apron, always there for some sage advice for her children type of character. And then you had the nagging wife/magnet for trouble like Lucy Ricardo. I don’t want to do too much of a disservice to Lucy cause she is a very beloved TV character and in some ways was very ahead of her time. Yet Laura was very different than those two types of characters. She was supremely real in every way. She wore pants a lot, she had breakdowns because at times being a stay at home mom was difficult and thankless, she talked like a real person would not like a June Cleaver or a Donna Stone. She was funny, talented. At one point, Sally was taking a leave of absence from Rob’s TV show that he was a head writer for and Laura asked to help out in any way. Rob agreed for her to be a typist for them, to at least fill some of the void of Sally’s absence. During that time, Laura actually comes up with some jokes and helps with the writing of the show as well.  She was a dancer, she is proficient in self defense. She was truly an amazing character and so unique for an early 1960s TV show.

Olivia Dunham (Fringe):

Anna was an actress who took me completely by surprise. The first few episodes of Fringe, I didn’t feel like she was such an amazing actress, yet as the show went on, Anna really showed herself to be an Emmy worthy actor. She got to play so many different versions of this character as well. She played the original Olivia and then we meet Olivia from an alternate universe and there are some big ways and some subtle ways that those two versions of Olivia are different. There’s a character named William Bell and he is played by Leonard Nimoy. For a stretch of like three episodes, Olivia gets inhabited by William Bell. So it’s Anna Torv doing a hilarious and really well done impression of Leonard Nimoy/his character in Fringe, her mannerisms are so funny in those episodes!! Yes, this show probably sounds crazy.... it is but in the best possible way, everyone should go watch it :) I remember when I became endeared to her character. It was when I saw her interact with her niece, Ella. It showed such a soft and real side of her. She’s a protector, she’s badass, she’s an incredible mother, wife, sister, friend, and aunt.

Astrid Farnsworth (Fringe):

Astrid is such a fun character in Fringe. She’s very endearing and real and funny. I’m sad that during the run of the show, we didn’t get to see more of her, but all that we did get was so much fun. The lab scenes are some of my favorites. The dynamic of Astrid, Walter, and Peter is just the best! Also the alternate universe Astrid is the purest and sweetest angel and must be protected at all costs :)

Sookie St James (Gilmore Girls):

The character of Sookie was really important in my opinion she is a beautiful plus size woman where her size did not define her, she was not the butt of the joke. She is a well respected chef, a loving mother, friend, and wife. When people think of Melissa McCarthy, they don’t typically first think of this role, but in my opinion it’s the best role of her career. She’s very funny in this part, but it’s a different and more low key kind of comedy than some people are used to seeing her in. BTW Drunk Sookie is iconic!! LOL

Lane Kim (Gilmore Girls):

Another character in Gilmore Girls that is underappreciated. She an incredibly talented drummer and she largely taught herself to play the drums. I can’t remember if the music store owner ever taught her but I feel like didn’t. I think she just let her use the display drums until Lane could buy them. Lane is funny and cool and a supportive friend. All the actors in Gilmore Girls were great at the dramatic bits as well, and Keiko was no different, some of those scenes between Lane and Mrs Kim really broke my heart which is credit to Emily and Keiko’s acting ability.

#favorite female tv characters #joey potter #rory gilmore #robin buckley #veronica mars #jeannie nelson #laura petrie #olivia dunham #olivia dunham bishop #astrid farnsworth #sookie st james #sookie st james belleville #lane kim #lane kim van gerbig #dawson's creek #gilmore girls #stranger things #veronica mars tv series #i dream of jeannie #the dick van dyke show #fringe #katie holmes #alexis bledel #maya hawke #kristen bell #barbara eden #mary tyler moore #anna torv #jasika nicole #melissa mccarthy

[sol-tinyrayofsun]

Zutara Week Day 4 - Celestial: Under The Southern Lights

We’re in the middle of Zutara Week and I’m sure you’ve all realized I’m incredibly soft for these two. I just had to make a proposal one-shot, I had to. This took me forever to write because I kept going all over the nitty-gritty details. So I really hope you enjoy this. Also on AO3.

Title: Under The Southern Lights

Rating: G

Summary:  Zuko had it all planned. The location, the time of the day, the - sort of- speech, the jewel… He had been waiting for months to do it. Now, he only had to round up the courage to ask the big question.

Fire Lord Zuko had it all planned. The nerve-racking question was soon to be asked. His strategy excited him, made him feel like a jittery child waiting for their birthday present. Only this time, he was the one gifting something. Proposing something. 

He had been wanting to ask her for quite a while already, but the need to make it just perfect had gotten the best of him. Katara was the love of his life, he wasn’t about to propose to her without making sure every part of the moment was flawless. 

That’s why as soon as the invitation to the opening ceremony of the Southern Water Tribe Waterbending Academy had come along, an idea started to take shape into his mind. Their first kiss had been at the South Pole, during one of his conveniently frequent diplomatic trips down there. So it only seemed fitting to pop the question on that same spot.

Even more, he had done the math, and they would be just in time to catch a perfect view of the Southern Lights. He could already imagine the two of them under the color painted sky. Yes, it would be perfect. It had to be. 

Choosing what to propose with hadn’t been all that difficult as well. He wouldn’t get her a necklace, he knew how much she loved her mother’s one. No, instead, a bracelet would do the trick. He had already taken care of that too. 

The betrothal bracelet would have a velvet ribbon with an intricate burgundy and royal blue pattern that interlaced the two colors into each other - Zuko was very proud of that symbolic detail. It would also feature a blue smelt quartz to which he had carved the emblem of the Fire Nation. Carving hadn’t been easy but, with enough practice and a lot of critique from Uncle Iroh, he had managed to get it right. 

A set date for the proposal, a wonderful bracelet, the most breathtaking scenario possible… The plan was foolproof, right? 

The only detail was, Zuko felt terrified of not knowing what to say when it came to it. What if his speech wasn’t romantic enough or he mumbled too much? Because he knew, he had seen it in action, Katara had the magnific ability to take his breath away. And being out of breath when you’re trying to ask someone to marry you it’s not the most ideal of situations. 

But Zuko had practiced what to say. He had taken note of every worthy romantic thought that came to his mind, marking his love in more than one piece of paper. It looked kind of funny though, all those words, all those potential sentences, all those truths written down. Still, it took him forever to figure out what the best speech would be. 

Something about destiny, a run-through of just how well they worked together, a brief mention of how they had started from scratch - literal scratch feelings wise, after all, they had actually been enemies for months - all about how they understood each other better than anyone, and, of course, how much he had grown to love her. 

Slowly but surely, it had hit him alongside that fatal lightning bolt - yes, as ironic as it sounded like - just how much she meant to him. Feeling the electricity running through him, fighting for his life, Zuko had realized he loved her. Their love had flourished during the following year, being all about baby steps and timid demonstrations of affection, until that first kiss. That incredibly sweet first kiss at the South Pole, where he had finally rounded up the courage to confess his feelings. Luckily for him, she felt the same way. And so their story had begun. 

Now, it was crazy to think that, five years later, he was about to ask Katara to be his wife - his companion, his lifelong partner, his heart living in another body somehow. He had been planning it for months, wanting it for years. Agni, he had always known she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. 

Needless to say, the possibility of Katara declining his proposal haunted him. It consumed every bit of his soul, giving him a headache whenever the thought crossed his mind. He had even asked his Uncle for advice, in fear of all that planning being in vain. Of course, the old man had reassured him he had nothing to worry about. 

“Zuko, I’ve seen you two together. I’ve noticed your connection before you even realized it yourselves. She won’t say ‘no’. I know it, you know it, everyone who’s familiar with you two knows it,” he had said, a reassuring smile spread across his face. “I’m happy for you, nephew. Your plan seems like a solid one, Katara will love it.”

And with his Uncle words serving almost as a mantra to him, Zuko had eased into the moment. He had the place, the time, the bracelet, his speech all planned out, and a hell of a lot of love for the woman he was proposing to. 

As soon as he left for the South Pole, his plan would be set into motion.

———

Arriving at the Southern Water Tribe had been easy enough, with Katara waiting for him at the harbor. Seeing her always put a smile on his face. The way her eyes widened as they met his gaze, the warm embrace he would dive right into, her soft giggling as he told her - for the millionth time - just how much he had missed her. It was those moments he longed for. Those little fragments of time when nothing else mattered but the two of them. He wanted them to last forever.

She had told him all about the Waterbending Academy, explaining to him how Master Pakku had taken up the task to become director of the school. She had also remarked her efforts to ensure complete gender neutrality in the teaching. The ceremony wouldn’t be taking place until the next couple of days, allowing them some extra time to spend together before craziness strikes. 

She looks happy, Zuko thought as he listened to her. Agni, I can only hope the same happiness is reflected in her eyes after I ask her. 

Her family had also been welcoming, as usual. They had gotten used to his visits to the tribe, though he was sure Kanna wasn’t a big fan of how much Ambassador Katara had been traveling since they became a couple. Hakoda was never out of political affairs to discuss with him, clearly glad to have the Fire Lord so eager to help all the time. And Sokka… His best friend always threw a little fest when he visited. Constantly busy running the tribe alongside his dad and traveling to see Suki, he still made time for him. Being in a relationship with Katara had only brought them closer. And it had given Sokka some good opportunities to make fun of him. Which, of course, he loved. 

Still, Zuko felt uneasy, eager to carry on with his plan. During lunch, he had zoned out almost completely, making Katara wonder if something had happened back home. He had managed to blame it on the tiredness from his trip down there, claiming everything was perfectly fine. 

And things were fine, but not normal. Not normal at all. How could they be? He was about to ask the most crucial question of his life. Agni, he crossed his heart and hoped for the best. 

Holding onto the little box that contained the bracelet, he knew. He was ready. It was time to carry on with his plan. Tonight is the night. It will be perfect. 

———

The quietness of the night had taken over the Southern Water Tribe. All that echoed was the sound of ocean waves crashing into the shore. Everyone else had probably been asleep for hours. But Zuko was awake. Wide awake. 

He had waited for hours. Alone in his hut - because Agni forbids Chief Hakoda would be onboard with him staying with Katara at that stage of their relationship - he had gone over every single detail a million times. His heart pounded in his chest, racing even faster than the first time he had said ‘I love you’ to her. With each beat, Zuko mentally repeated his lines. Yes, he had lines. Well thought and kind of poetic lines. He had everything planned. He only hoped he would be able to remember what to say once he was moments away from pleading her to spend the rest of their lives together. 

Alright, I think it’s time, he thought as he unwrapped his body from a pile of blankets. Considering his firebending prevented him from getting cold, he must’ve been on the verge of a nervous breakdown to be longing for the heat that badly. It didn’t matter though, as soon as put on his coat an unexpected rush of confidence took over him. 

Yes, this is it. I’m finally going to ask her. A tender smile spread across his face as he made sure the little burgundy box with the bracelet was safely secured in his right pocket. 

He opened the door of his hut, stepping into the darkness of the night. The coldness of the outside took him by surprise. 

Good thing he had grabbed a pair of heavy-duty blankets. He wouldn’t want Katara to be freezing during such a special moment. No, it was alright, she was used to the cold, and the blankets would help. If anything failed, he could always tug her under his arms - firebending had proven to have its perks down there at the Pole - and keep her warm. Yeah, that sounded romantic, it would work. 

Luckily for him, the walk to Katara’s hut wasn’t a long one at all. It was more of a two-step kinda deal. Pretty convenient if you asked him. 

Zuko stood at the entrance, with a racing heart and all the lovely doodle jitters. He couldn’t believe he was finally doing this. After months of rehearsing in his room back home, brainstorming with Iroh, and stressing over the tiniest details, the time had come.

He knocked on the door, a part of him hoping she wouldn’t be too tired. No, she wouldn’t. She was a moon riser after all. Why was he doubting everything he had planned, all of the sudden? No, he couldn’t let his nerves get the best of him. “Katara,” he whispered. “It’s me.” 

A response didn’t take long to come from inside the hut. 

“Zuko?” Her voice showed a strain of sleepiness, but she sounded attentive enough. “Come in, dork.”

Thank Agni, she’s awake. 

As soon as he went through the door, he was met with the tenderest of blue eyes. 

Katara was sitting cross-legged, still wrapped into her covers. Messy hair, amused expression, and a raised brow. 

“What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” she asked. “Not even here for a day and already wanting to sneak around?” A playful smirk framed her face. 

Oh, she’s very awake then. One second and she’s already making fun of me. Spirits, I love this woman. 

He showed off the pair of blankets to her, trying to conceal the nervous grin that threatened to take over his face. 

“Um, actually,” he mumbled. “I had something else in mind. How do you feel about coming outside with me for a while?”

And off they went, with a nervous Zuko leading the way. Katara had rapidly been onboard with the little nighttime excursion. After all, it had always been their thing to go on nocturnal walks or rush to catch every sunset at the South Pole. But most importantly… The plan was working! 

Walking for a few minutes, he finally stopped at the top of a little hill. Right in the middle of the snow valley. The Southern Lights were already visible up in the sky. 

“I see what you’re doing, someone’s nostalgic of our first kiss,” Katara teased, twirling around the snowy ground. 

“Um, yeah, I mean, it was pretty amazing.” Great, the mumbling had already started and he wasn’t even saying his speech. 

“So, are you going to tell me what’s up with you today? You’ve been acting weird all day.”

Darn it. He had tried so hard not to let his jitters show. But there they were. It was time to make his move. 

“I’m fine, I promise,” he managed to say. “Why don’t we sit down?”

Once they were cuddled up amidst the blankets and the snow, Zuko allowed himself to breathe. To soak into the moment. 

Above them was a dazzling dance of green, blue, white, purple, and red light in the night sky. Exactly as he had pictured it. Perfect scenery, checked. If only asking the big question could be as easy as staring at the celestial lights. 

“You know,” Katara finally said, nestling her head at the creek of his neck, her fingers interlaced into his. “I’m glad you brought me here. It’s pretty romantic.”

Yes! That’s the stuff! If she considered it romantic, that meant he had done something right. 

Now, it’s time. 

“That’s what I was aiming for,” he mumbled. “Do you mind if I move over to face you for a second?”

Her blue eyes showed a bit of confusion, still, she complied. “Not at all.”

He straightened up, still holding onto her hand. She was smiling, silently waiting for whatever he had in store for her. Agni, she was beautiful. No offense to the aurora above them, but Katara was definitely a million times more mesmerizing than any dancing light in the sky. 

Zuko cleared his throat, feeling his heart pounding inside his chest - every single beat - and his pulse racing like never before. He squeezed her hand, taking a deep breath before speaking. 

“Katara,” Oh Agni, this is actually happening. “I think it’s safe to say that we were meant to be together. Considering all that we went through, fate kept bringing us into each other. We started as enemies, and look at us now. We make all the sense in the world, even if we are kind of opposites. We are two sides of the same coin, we complement each other perfectly. You’re a part of me I never knew was missing, until I almost lost you. You mean everything to me.”

He blinked, nervously battling his eyelashes. A lump of his throat threatened to mess with his speech at the memory of how the light of his life had almost dimmed the day of the Agni Kai. No, it was not the time to feel sorry for the past. This night was all about moving forward. Next to her. 

“I’ve spent all my life,” he continued. “Chasing after things that were never going to make me happy, never going to bring me peace. But you, Katara, you brought all the light in the world into my life. You make me happy, you bring out the best in me. I think we were always meant to cross paths, nothing that happened between us was accidental. It was all for a reason, I’m sure of it know. Despite all my mistakes, all those times I’ve stumbled along the way, all of that led me to you. And you to me. That is something I would never want to undo.”

Her eyes had become watery, her fingers were brushing his skin as she smiled at him. It seemed like his speech had taken her by surprise. 

“Zuko,” Katara said. “That’s… I love you.” 

“And I love you too,” he replied, eager to blurt out the question once and for all. “That’s why I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You’ve become the voice in my head, leading every step of the way, advising me what to do all day long. I can’t shut it up, and I don’t ever want to. In fact, I’m hoping to have forever to spend with you.” 

Zuko reached into his pocket with his free hand - luckily for him, it was his right one - and grasped the burgundy box he had been clinging onto for months. With a quick move, he opened the lid, revealing the betrothal bracelet he had made for her. 

His eyes met hers, glistening with the reflection of the Southern Lights above them. The skies of the night were alive with those lights, like a thrilling flame. 

“Katara, will you marry me?”

There it went. He did it, he had popped the question without having a nervous breakdown in the middle. Incredible. His plan had turned out to be perfect.

Wait. For it to be perfect, Katara had to say yes. 

Tears of happiness were streaming down her face. “Yes, Zuko.” Katara was nodding excitedly. “Spirits, of course, my answer is yes!” she giggled amidst the tears. 

And Zuko felt his eyes getting watery too, a rush of relief flooding right through him - accompanied by the sweetest of tears. Yes, she said ‘yes’. He felt like the luckiest man alive. 

She threw herself into his arms, kissing every last bit of his face. He carefully put down the burgundy box as he ran his fingers through her hair. His lips met hers into a familiar embrace, only now there was something new to it. They were going to get married. They were going to spend the rest of their lives together. And that was perfect.

For a timeless instant, they stayed there, holding onto each other. Savoring the happiness of the moment. But neither of them had forgotten about the little burgundy box. 

“You like it?” he asked, taking the delicate bracelet of its casing to show it to her. “My carving could be better, but I think it turned out alright.”

The blue quartz glittered with the celestial lights, all the different colors reflecting into its surface. The Fire Nation emblem, carved into a water blue stone. A ribbon that intertwined both of their cultures, together. Above them, a painting of amber, rose, opal, and gold hues. It swept the sky, flickering, dimming, flashing in the presence of their love. 

“I know it’s not a betrothal necklace,” he continued. “But I know how much your mother’s means to you. I wanted to give you something different, so you didn’t have to stop wearing hers... I carved the emblem of the Fire Nation onto the blue quartz, and the ribbon has our colors interlaced… Kind of like us, opposites but together. Stronger together. I wanted it to be something special. Like you.”

Tears started to form back into her eyes. “It’s perfect. This is all perfect, Zuko. I love it, I love you.” Katara planted another kiss on his lips. “Would you?” she asked, extending her left wrist up to him. 

“Of course.” He grabbed the bracelet, brushing his fingers through the stone. 

His hands were trembling, his whole body was shuddering with excitement. He placed the jewel on top of her wrist, with tremendous care. He felt her skin, soft and warm, and he realized Katara was also trembling. He noticed her eyes glued to his as he made sure the clasps were tied together. Finally, the bracelet was around her wrist, holding onto her like a promise. Their promise. 

“There,” Zuko whispered. “I’m so glad it fits,” he chuckled as he placed a soft kiss on the back of her hand. 

Katara brushed her fingers against the pendant, eyes still watery and a bright smile tattooed on her face. Then her hands moved up to his face, softly cupping his cheeks. She pressed her forehead onto his, breathing heavily. 

“I love you,” she said, caressing his skin. “And you’re right, we were meant to happen. I hope to have forever to spend with you, too.”

“Forever does sound good, huh?” 

Zuko kissed her, giving away into the moment. That moment. All those months of planning, all those years of loving her. It had all led him to that exact spot - the woman he loved, his future wife, letting out tears of happiness as they kissed. His plan had been more than perfect, it had been so uniquely them that he found himself fighting back the tears once again.

That’s when he knew it. In the middle of the night, under the Southern Lights, and with Katara nestled into his arms, Zuko knew. Looking back, he knew exactly why it had all happened. It was her, it had always been her. And now, it would be them.

----- I hope you enjoyed this! I wanted to jump on this trope and give it my own little twist with the Southern Lights scenario. Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is always really appreciated <3  @zutaraweek

#zutara #zutara week 2020 #zutara fanfiction #zuko x katara #every week is zutara week baby

[mrsgreenworld]

Sen Çal Kapımı Episode 17 aka Expect The Unexpected

I know I have been quite slow with the reviews lately. I guess real life just got busier and messier. But my thoughts are always with the show, with our two crazy lovesick kids. I make sure to watch each new episode live, keep up with new fragmans.

I remember before episode 17 aired, after having seen the fragmans, I was ready for another filler episode. I was also a bit frustrated that instead of moving the storyline forward they decided to randomly throw in the pregnancy scare trope. However, the writers managed to surprise me with the episode that I hadn't expected much from. I also believe we might have got a bit of foreshadowing as well as an important catalyst to finally move the story forward.

But let's discuss all the good and bad in detail.

The things I loved/liked:

☑️ how balanced this episode was: the transition from the lighter and funnier first part to a more loaded second half with some longing between Edser, completely unexpected turn of events at the party and finally - that gut-wrenching final scene; everything was done at the right pace, at least it felt that way to me; they didn't drag on the pregnancy misunderstanding, it was resolved in one day which I was more than happy with (it could've lasted for days 😬);

☑️ Serkan: my baby is back where he belongs - among all the things I loved about the episode 🥰❤️

honestly, Serkan and his response to the whole situation was one of the main highlights for me - it was hilarious, it was adorable, it was sweet, it was loving;

I have already mentioned before that I absolutely love how attuned to Eda Serkan is; this episode wasn't an exception; do you remember the moment he realised something was up? it literally took a comment from Leyla to Eda about tea and our boy's eyebrows immediately furrowed in confusion and suspicion; and when he came up to Eda to tell her they would work together and asked if that was okay - of course he noticed how Eda's face changed before she left for the bathroom; and a concerned hubby that he is he asked Leyla what was wrong and then instructed her to keep tabs on Eda - swoon 🥰😍

that phone call to the family doctor and his face when he heard the doctor mention pregnancy - 🤣🤣🤣🤣

and then his comment about Ebola completely cracked me up - he's such a hypochondriac 👀😬🙈😂

his bathroom meltdown - comedy GOLD! Kerem was spectacular in that scene, his facial expressions as well as that "NE???!!!" - worthy of a standing ovation 👏👏👏 and it proves what a great actor he is in both funny comedy moments and loaded dramatic scenes; it gets me rolling on the floor when he juggles all sorts of facial expressions and I drown in my own tears when he cries;

then there were tiny adorable moments that, I think, really spoke volumes yet again what sort of person Serkan is - kind and caring, someone who loves deeply; when he told Eda not to sit down so fast, when he asked if she was hungry, tried to make her sit down, was worried that she was cold, took unhealthy snacks from her and got her fruit and nuts instead, was making sure she was comfortable, kept glancing at her stomach - all that was a sneak peek at what Serkan Bolat will be as a father; he will be such a mother hen and when Eda is actually pregnant I swear he will be the one more hormonal 🤣😂😆

I loved that he shared his suspicions with Engin;

his reaction when the misunderstanding got cleared up - I was rolling on the floor 🤣🤣

and while he was relieved it didn't look bad on him; it wasn't a type of relief when a person doesn't really want kids or doesn't want them with this particular person and thinks "oh, that was close!"; I am sure when it comes to Eda Serkan wants to make their own football team of Mini-Bolats; he wants this woman to have his children - I believe it without a shadow of doubt; however, I am also sure that, given the current situation Serkan and Eda are in, Serkan wouldn't want to tie Eda to himself like that;

the party - when he saw Eda in the dress he had bought for her 🔥🔥🔥🔥; I am sure he was useless in the conversations he was trying to make because his focus was entirely on Eda, he was following her every move with hungry eyes; damn, Sir! at least try to be a little more discreet 😏🥵

I loved how he asked Eda point blank if she had chosen the dress on purpose - he wasn't even trying to hide how affected he was;

and finally - of course there was that final scene with Serkan when he completely LOST IT; honestly, watching him break down like that - gave me chills;

we had never seen him like that; it's a well-known and established fact what kind of a person Serkan Bolat is - he's a control freak who can and is good at keeping his emotions in check, he doesn't express his feelings easily or even at all that's why he comes off as a cold and emotionless robot; so can you imagine how bad the situation has to be for him to lose it like that and not in the privacy of his home, where he's alone, but in the office, with all his employees and friends as witnesses?

the situation is really Serkan's worst nightmare due to the number of reasons:

1 - Serkan is a control freak (as I have already mentioned many times) and being in a situation where he cannot control something is hard for him psychologically;

2 - Serkan is a perfectionist and perfectionism often stems from the fear of making mistakes because a person was raised this way, wasn't allowed to make any mistakes as a child; we have even heard it from Serkan himself in one of the conversations with his father - he grew up thinking he had no right for mistakes, thinking that he must have done something wrong for his parents to just send him away;

3 - the cruel irony of this situation being so similar to what had happened to Eda's parents;

of course no one died but it could have happened; then Serkan would have turned into his father (in his own mind and eyes); it's just like Eda's parents all over again; can you imagine what kind of thoughts were going through his head? how he's cursed or something, that he really doesn't deserve Eda, that his family taints everything it touches... 😭💔

Kerem's acting in the last scene was truly one of his best and strongest Serkan moments👏👏👏👏;

☑️ Eda: one of my absolute favourite things about our girl is that she keeps her word; there are not many people who do this in life (while I myself try to keep my promises I, unfortunately, often fail);

I was so proud that, no matter what's going on between herself and Serkan, Eda didn't refuse to help Aydan and promised that they would work on her phobia together;

I also loved Eda's idea with the virtual tour around London - very creative and thoughtful way to help Aydan get out of the house without actually leaving the house because baby steps, this cannot be rushed, this type of problems don't go away at the snap of our fingers;

while I find it a bit strange that Eda volunteered to babysit a random couple's child (me and Serkan both, he also said that he doesn't understand Eda 🙈😆) it's another great manifestation to the type of a person she is - kind, loving, generous, ready to help even complete strangers; moreover, the whole situation with the baby allowed us to sneak a peek at Eda as a mother;

and speaking of that scene where Serkan said he didn't understand Eda and wanted to know why she would agree to help people she didn't know - I freaking LOVED how unapologetic she was when she said it's who she is; so he either accepts her for who she is (the way she accepted him) or he can be on his merry way; that's such a joy to watch - a woman who's not sorry for who she is, who loves and respects herself and demands the same respect in return 👏👏👏💞💞💞;

finally, there was the final scene but before that there was also a small moment after the roof had collapsed, when they were still at that house - everybody had left and Eda asked Serkan if there was something she could do, if he wanted to be left alone; she gave him what he wanted and needed in that moment;

but the next day, in the office, after having witnessed his breakdown Eda shows her unwavering belief in Serkan; I loved how she was able to put aside her hurt, maybe to an extent even her pride, and come to him; how she didn't back down and in that moment refused to leave him alone because she knew that wasn't what he needed, he needed her; and she was there, she was there when it mattered;

☑️ Edser: these two idiots are broken up but I swear they couldn't look or act more married; that's basically what we got in this episode - a flashforward of sorts where Edser are married with a kid and expecting another one;

however, this episode also provided us with some longing and lots of UST at that party;

and again there were subtle nods to them being soulmates, which manifested itself in how attuned to each other they were (Serkan with the pregnancy, Eda at the end of the episode) and also the parallel scene at the very beginning with both of them boxing - the same choice of activity to take their minds off of each other (it was also hot as hell 🔥🔥🔥🥵);

☑️ Aydan: OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

yes, Aydan made it into this category!😱😲

but the writers had really been doing a good job with her and actually showed character growth;

at the beginning of the episode when Eda confronted Aydan about what she had overheard Aydan tried to make something up and said how it was her who had convinced Serkan that they were wrong for each other; what I really enjoyed in that moment was how uncomfortable Aydan looked while saying all those things; it was basically written on her face that what she was saying wasn't true, that wasn't how she felt, she understood that it would hurt Eda to hear that and she didn't want that; it's such a stark contrast to Aydan from episode 11; does anyone remember episode 11? well, I do, perfectly well; I was ENRAGED; Aydan back then said how Eda was not the right match for her son, she was cruel and she didn't even give a flying flip that her words were hurtful for Eda;

it was also nice to see how humbled Aydan was while receiving Eda's help;

☑️ Engin: basically the fact that he continues being the best best friend ever and his reaction to Eda's possible pregnancy - PRICELESS!🤣🤣🤣

I think Engin is the second (after Eda) and the last person who can get away with pulling Serkan Bolat by his cheeks 🙈😆😂

I also really enjoyed Engin's dig at Serkan's character and how he hoped his nephew/niece wouldn't take after Serkan 🤣🤣🤣;

The things I didn't like / was annoyed with:

❎ Efe: oh, he's one bad motherfucker!😠😡🤬😤

from pretty much openly threatening to teach Serkan a lesson to actually fucking up those blueprints and setting Serkan up - THE *UCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

it was clear from the phone call with his secret partner that he hadn't planned for it to go like that but still his intentions had clearly been far from good and he deserves whatever is coming his way; like Serkan Bolat coming for his head and ending his career 🙄😎;

❎ Pırıl and Engin: the whole jealousy thing was so far-fetched and tiring to watch; to me Pırıl seemed a bit too territorial, it's quite obvious that Engin had only eyes for her; Engin was too oblivious and honestly I feel bad for him because the writers turn him into a bigger idiot (when it comes to women) with each new episode;

❎ Selin: the same thing over and over again, in each new episode she's unbearable; she just walks around with bitch face, complains about everything and everyone but ultimately serves zero purpose;

this character is so focused on herself that she didn't even seem bothered by her conversation with Efe where he basically threatened Serkan; there was a poor attempt with that "should I be worried?" but it was enough for Efe to just smile at her and she let it slide 🤦🤷;

in that scene at the office with Ceren and Ferit the behaviour she demonstrated was the one of a pre-schooler or maybe immature teenager but definitely not of a grown-up woman;

❎ Ceren and Ferit: while they started out really well, I enjoyed their first meeting, then it got weird and their interactions became awfully uneven; Ceren is really overdoing this hot and cold thing;

while I liked how Ceren stood up for herself after Selin's outburst, I think all of that should have been said to Selin's face, not Ferit's.

And that's pretty much it! Finally!🥳🥳🥳

P.S. Wanted to post my episode 18 review today as well, before episode 19 airs, but it's still not ready, need to cut down some stuff cause it's turning into a freaking monster 🤦😱

#sen çal kapımı #sen cal kapimi #sck #sen çal kapımı episode 17 thoughts #sck episode 17 #edser #eda ve serkan #eda x serkan #eda yıldız #eda yildiz #serkan bolat

[wanna-hear-a-joke]

Am I really writing out Joker Fan Theories at 5am

Yep! It's 5:30 in the goddamn morning and I really can't believe I'm writing Joker fan theory based on my psychological breakdown of the character, I really can't, but I just watched it again and I don't think I'll be able to sleep unless I do. I must exorcise the demons.

[ Disclaimer: this is just my personal interpretation, not what I am claiming the filmmakers ‘actually’ intended or not. ]

in short: 1. Arthur's “condition” (pseudobulbar affect) is real.  2. Most of what happens is real - and Arthur can (somewhat) tell. 3. Arthur did not kill Sophie. 4. Arthur did not kill his mother to get revenge. CLICK READ MORE 2 LEARN WHY 😜

1. Arthur's “condition” (pseudobulbar affect) is real. This is one of the things that bothers me THE most, because websites like TV tropes have claimed it as fact that one of the "twists" is that he never really had a condition, just a sick sense of humor! I think this comes from taking what Arthur says in the hospital scene too literally. He does see the dark humor of his situation, but he is still beset by mental illness, trauma, and brain damage. He is very clearly laughing in anguish at the start, and part of what makes the ‘character arc’ satisfying (as tragic as it is) is he frees himself from what was causing that anguish. That’s what he means. As Joker, he no longer has any reason to feel afraid, nothing can hurt him anymore and he’s liberated himself from the pain/fear he experiences as Arthur- which is what triggers the laughter. Idk how so many people get this one wrong but it’s driving me nuts as someone who actually has dealt with PBA-like symptoms from PTSD. It’s real y’all and JP portrayed it with shocking accuracy.

2. Most of what happens is real - and Arthur can (somewhat) tell. It's meant to be ambiguous to the viewer, but with the exception of the first Murray Show scene and Arthur's fantasies about dating Sophie, everything else actually does happen. What Arthur’s fantasy sequences convey is a lonely man who is unable to connect with others and lives in daydreams to escape the pain of his dismal, dreary life. Arthur struggles with empathy and his fantasies are self-centered and distinctly themed around being cared for. He was raised by a mentally ill narcissist that he likely took care of from a young age, and clearly yearns for the kind of unconditional love a parent is meant to provide. It's how he copes with the lack of connection in his life. He’s checked out. Dissociated. Not to mention, in denial or unaware of how bad his trauma actually is. He is probably so used to living this way that he’s not fully aware of what he’s doing, but I maintain it’s not like, a fabricated hallucination.

Where the delusion comes in is... well, I don't think he knows how to read people and his judgement of situations seems to be pretty impaired. This is not the same as a Fight Club-esque scenario where he’s completely unaware of an elaborate hallucination, but a dissociated withdrawal where he passively engages with life while retreating to his mind and making up his own version of events.  For example, he sees Sophie give an half-hearted "yea ok buddy" smile in the hallway and thinks "oh she smiled, good, she thinks it's funny." The guys at work might anxiously laugh at his unnerving, dead-pan jokes and sarcastically say he's ready for the "big clubs," and he takes it at face value. People are laughing at his standup, so he must be killin it!

Did he wear cologne for a date he never went on? Yes, but I think it’s just as likely he put it on while getting ready, envisioning a date, and ran with that version of events because it’s preferable to reality. He may even feel pressure to impress his mom and “prove” himself as a man to her by claiming he went on a date as a sort of rite of passage.

3. Arthur did not kill Sophie. Arthur visits Sophie's apartment in a last-ditch effort to find comfort. With his mother in the hospital, his idealized father figure mocking him on national TV and being rejected from Wayne, he has nothing and no one to turn to. He's also just unearthed traumatic details from childhood that he'd probably much rather have kept buried. Sophie is his last thread of hope at this point. I'm sure Arthur had a version in his head of how this would go- perhaps rehearsed many times over. He runs his fingers over furniture in the apartment as if he's thinking "so this is what it’s like," comparing it to the fantasies he's constructed (much like he later does on the Murray show) but his expectations are shattered the moment Sophie reacts in fear. I really don’t think he’s thinking “but what about all those dates we went on?” more like “oh this is where she was supposed to ask if I’m ok... shit, better do the finger gun she laughed at that before.” Because of his struggle with empathy he couldn’t have anticipated how she might react to a strange man in her apartment. To be honest, my best guess is that he just left feeling upset, confused and embarrassed. We don’t see Sophie again because we don’t need to, his “last hope” for a loving human connection was a farce. (also logically it just does not fit with the timeline of everything else imo- he would have been 100% caught; the sirens in the scene afterwards are either to draw parallels to his mother or further illustrate Gotham as a crime-ridden shithole)

4. Arthur did not kill his mother to get revenge. While he very clearly harbors resent towards her, I believe his main motivation for killing her was his plan to kill himself on TV- he needed to do this to grant himself the freedom to carry through with it. It’s more symbolic to him, is what I’m saying. I wouldn’t call it a mercy killing (idk if he’s capable of the type of empathy to consider that), but he no longer sees their situation improving and he no longer takes pride in being her caretaker after learning the ‘truth.’ He sees his life as one big cosmic joke, and this act fully frees him to get to the “punchline,” all former attachments to his life as Arthur as now severed and he’s got nothing left to lose. This would not have been possible had he left her alive. In addition to this, and... I can’t believe I have to write this out, but everything that happened at Arkham is real. The file is real. The criminal neglect and abuse Arthur faced was real and so horrific it was headline-worthy. When he is seen in the “flashback” sequence, all that’s communicating is his imagining of how his mother’s time at Arkham went down, it may even give some context for how he viewed her as a child. Whether or not Arthur is actually Wayne’s son is deliberately very ambiguous but I personally believe that he is.

#Joker #Joker 2019 #joaquin pheonix joker #arthur fleck #I can't believe I've done this

[maydaymadier]

Twenty Playlist Breakdown

I finally made the playlist for Twenty, my air genasi wild magic sorcerer so [insert ah_shit_here_we_go_again.jpg]

Family, Mother, Mother This party was very much a found family situation, Twenty managed to develop some sort of familial bond with pretty much everyone but most notably the tiefling bard Kimiko who he straight up claimed was his daughter.  It started off as just a one-off thing to get someone to leave her alone but then they both ended up taking it to heart.  This is also probably the most earnestly he’s ever felt connected to a group of people.  He has his parents but there’s a level of dedication he has to the party that he hasn’t felt before. “The people are staring and talking in whispers/"Hey what's with the strange breed?"/They is my family, they is my family/They might be crazy, but they is my family/You can't get to them unless you get through me/You fuck with them you fuck with me”

Trouble Is A Friend, Lenka Twenty sees his wild magic as a strange companion he doesn’t want but can’t do anything about so he does his best to just accept it.  It’s a strange little imp that doesn’t leave him alone.  Befriending that trouble is how he’s gotten so powerful anyway. “Trouble is a friend but trouble is a foe, oh oh/And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh/He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh”

The Devil Wears A Suit And Tie, Colter Wall Alluding to Twenty’s background, as essentially a magical conman, the type of man to be bargained with.  He was a diplomat of sorts, offering council to anyone willing to pay.  Though he would make a deal with anyone foolhardy enough to trust him.  It’s not a period of his life that he’s particularly proud of.  Not regrets per se, just wants to keep it in the past. “Foolish foolish was I/Damn my foolish eyes/Cause that man's lessons had a price/Oh sweet price...../ Don't you know the Devil wears a suit and tie”

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy, Queen I wanted a peppy, cheesy, unrepentantly head-over-heels song for Fifty (Twenty’s bf is an npc named Thirty so...well...easy math joke).  This is probably Twenty’s perspective since this is more energetic and Twenty has the force of personality and charisma of a sorcerer. “Ooh let me feel your heartbeat (grow faster, faster)/Ooh ooh can you feel my love heat, ooh/Come on and sit on my hot-seat of love/And tell me how do you feel right after-all/I'd like for you and I to go romancing/Say the word, your wish is my command”

Need The Sun To Break, James Bay Twenty is vaguely aware that his upbringing/past was strange but he isn’t quite ready to admit to it yet.  In the meantime he would appreciate a hug.  Or just someone to sit there next to him while he sits there in silence working through his shit.  So yeah, the anthem for Twenty’s Moments of Realization. “I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart/I'm shaking, all my luck could change/Been in the dark for weeks and I've realized you're all I need/And I hope that I'm not too late,”

Put Your Head On My Shoulder, Paul Anka Local Touchstarved Gay Cuddles BF Nearly Twice His Height.  “Put your head on my shoulder/Hold me in your arms, baby/Squeeze me oh-so-tight/Show me that you love me too”

Sanremo, MIKA Okay, so, hear me out.  I have a very specific image in my head of this song.  It’s big Gentlemanly Older Gay Man In A Light Summer Suit Sitting On The Patio Of A Little Seaside Cafe Flipping Through A Newspaper Lazily And Glancing Up Over His Coffee Mug, Peoplewatching While He Waits For Him and that’s the vibe I try to give with Twenty like 85% of the time.  “To feel like this/Is one in a million/A suspended moment/Can we seal it/With a tender kiss?/Out of a movie/Made by Fellini/Love that you need me”

The Origin Of Love, Hedwig and the Angry Inch GOOOOOD this song slaps so hard, it has no right to slap so hard.  Just, being so desperately in love with someone because it makes him feel whole again.  “You had a way so familiar i could not recognize/Cause you had blood on your face/And i had blood in my eyes/But i swear by your expression/That the pain down in your soul was the same/As the one down in mine......../We wrapped our arms around each other/Tried to shove ourselves back together/We were making love, making love”

I’m Still Standing, Elton John Is Twenty occasionally caught off-guard by the fact that he’s on the whole, happy, living with someone he loves, living their best lives together?  Yeah.  But not in a bad way.  Just sort of stopping suddenly and going “Oh.  Sweet?  Yeah, sweet, I think?  That sounds right.” “Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did/Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid/I'm still standing after all this time/Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind”

Come With Me, Chxrlotte The first time Twenty met Thirty he didn’t have a great impression, he thought he was too loud and woefully lacking in self-awareness.  BUT OH BOY DID THAT CHANGE.  At this point, Twenty just shamelessly idolizes him.  He loves him and doesn’t know where he’d be without him, simple as that.  Also, Twenty literally asked Thirty to come to the Elemental Plane of Air with him and Thirty did it, the absolute mad lad.  “Hallelujah, running to you/They won't find us, you and I can watch the stars fall from the sky/All clothed in white, my shard of light/Let's go together, we'll be free/The world ends eventually, so come with me”

7 Years, Lucas Graham God, I’m gonna have to make a separate post about Twenty’s weird upbringing at some point, aren’t I?  Anyway, short version is, Twenty was trained from birth (hell, born with the express intent) to turn him into the perfect white collar criminal/politician.  He was always being told what he needed to do.  His mother taught him politicking, his father taught him magic.  “Once I was seven years old my momma told me/Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely/Once I was seven years old”

Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked, Cage the Elephant Twenty in the thick of backstory, the early years of being sent out on his own, pulling schemes just subtle enough to not technically be schemes.  Though he’s very much not the narrator, if anything he’s the preacher man.  “Oh no, I can't slow down, I can't hold back/Though you know, I wish I could/Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked/Until we close our eyes for good”

Magic, Mystery Skulls He’s a ~Magic Man~, I wanted a song about magic.  You could also make the argument that it’s a Fifty song but this one doesn’t have a terribly deep explanation.  “The spell you got on me, it's like magic/Got me feeling like falling in love....../ So it took me by surprise, oh no.”

The Logical Song, Pomplamoose (cover) Okay, I was gonna use the original version of this song but I ended up preferring the vocals on this cover better.  This one better hits on Twenty’s upbringing, being trained in manipulation and magic, how to bend people in his favor, he must be perfect, must be because he’s their legacy, someone has to make sure the Bellisario family keeps its influence, who will be there to spread the family’s will if not him?  He has to be a worthy son.  “Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned/I know it sounds absurd/Please tell me who I am”

Thief, Imagine Dragons Look, I could put this on here exclusively for the fucking sweet opening riff.  But, oh boy, he’s a middle aged man suddenly having to forge an identity of his own, independent from the ideals instilled in him by his family and sometimes, wouldn’t it-?  Wouldn’t it just be easier to be that man who stumbled into the strange mansion in the mountains?  He knew what he was supposed to do.  He had a goal.  The man who left didn’t have anything like that.  “So take me back/When I believed/Back when I was unafraid.../ When the stars look down on me/What do they see”

Amsterdam, Imagine Dragons Oh look, Twenty’s mom finally made an appearance.  Twenty and his parents were under the implicit agreement/understanding that he needed to keep them up to date with his movements and schemes, his mother primarily since she was the parent living in the Prime Material Plane.  This petered off eventually (it was a long eventually but an eventually nonetheless) but he’s still glad that at least under the current circumstances he doesn’t have to deal with both of his parents.  His mother may be the one who taught him politics but she has no qualms with brutal honesty and he knows she would be vocally disappointed in him.  His father doesn’t take him all that seriously but more just finds his ‘antics’ amusing, he thinks the insistence on the name Twenty is funny.  His mother is just as passive aggressive but far more vocal, she would take the name Twenty as akin to an insult, he is Alexander Bellisario and he can’t change that.  “I'm sorry, mother... I'm sorry, I let you down/Well, these days I'm fine/No these days I tend to lie”

#my post #tal plays dnd #twenty #playlist #music

[pluviophile-bookworm]

Thoughts/ reaction to AWAE 3x7

This cold open is… different. It has actual tension. Also, it ties directly to the end of last episode, and gods know I love that. And… it has actual speaking, too? Honestly, Anne is the typical teenager caught sneaking back in at night, while also being socially engaged. I mean, there’s nothing typical about her and the present mission of hers, but an untrained eye might have thought so.

I’m honestly afraid of people’s reaction to whatever Anne wrote in that paper. I have been since last week, and maybe not without good reason.

Have Diana’s parents learnt nothing? Not even from missing their chance with Mary? Apparently these people are immune to redemption. I hope I’m wrong about this.

Diana’s face after excusing Anne oh-so-smoothly is just like, “What has she done now?”, but she’s still not letting anything on. This is the friend we all dream of. 

Poor Josie is getting those judging looks from everyone while Billy just sits there like he has nothing to do with it. In fact, he seems annoyed by the whole situation. Who gave you the right? How dare you sit there like you have no part in this? If I were Anne, I would definitely have done all she did and more. Heck, even if I were just me, I would have done something, and I’m so afraid of speaking up… Billy deserves the worst.

It seems to me that Josie’s father is no better than Billy. Blaming his own daughter and making her marry that little piece of *no swearing on main, but you’ll know what I mean* after what he did to her? Someone needs to teach those men a big lesson. 

“Get him back”? Don’t you mean get back at him? Listen to your daughter, woman, why don’t you?

“How bad could it be?” Let’s just say you’re lucky not to know. I’m screaming right now, but we’ll have to live through this. No change comes without suffering. 

Anne asking Marilla if she doesn’t deserve an opinion, and then bringing up Matthew’s blunder… hitting where it hurts the most, that’s what that was.

“All will sort itself out” Yeah it will, if Billy never so much as goes near another girl again. But we all know that’s not happening.

What? They’re looking for another girl? “More compatible with our interests”? What does that mean? Okay with being assaulted and treated like a piece of meat with no soul or opinion? No girl deserves the monstrosity that is Billy Andrews. 

I knew Prissy would speak up. I hoped and prayed for at least one member of that family to have their mind and heart in the right place. The world needs more women like Prissy Andrews. At least two for every man like Billy Andrews. I still can’t wrap my mind around the two of them coming from the same genes. Biology and blood relations make no sense when it comes to what matters most, I guess. 

Has Diana gone nuts? “Apologise to Josie”? For what? Trying to speak up for her when she herself wouldn’t dare to? Telling the honest truth to a town of people that are apparently too narrow-minded to see it? This isn’t the Diana that kissed Jerry at the fair last week. This isn’t the Diana that would fake an injury to experience freedom. I’m witnessing a full-speed slide down the metaphorical hill of character growth, back to square one. I’m disappointed in my girl.

“You’ve always been jealous of me”… for what? Being engaged to a piece of *see above* that assaulted you? Or for being too blinded by what society has taught you to believe - that you are lucky to be marrying him and are not the victim of what he did to you? Honestly, I feel bad for Anne in the present situation, but I feel even worse for Josie because, unlike Anne, she doesn’t seem to realise that she is the victim here and has rights to fight for. I hope this works out.

But honestly, does none of the girls remember about the Beltane? Does Diana not remember that Josie was in their circle and is therefore their sister now? Does Jane not remember what happened to her actual sister not so long ago - which said sister just reminded her of, in case she had forgotten? Josie is now her sister, too. Does that mean nothing? Is ostracising Anne and treating her like trash all over again going to benefit any of those girls? What is with everybody? Wake up, people!

Oh, shut up, Gilbert Blythe! Or whoever you are these days because I frankly don’t know you anymore. Do you still not realise what this is all about?

And Miss Stacy, too? You’d think she would have a thing or two to say about women’s rights. What is wrong with everybody?

Oh, so she agrees with Anne, but still won’t help her? I see where she’s coming from, but right now everything that goes against Anne even in the slightest is wrong in my eyes and ears. I’m looking at this too passionately. I might need to cool off. 

All of a sudden I sympathise with Rachel Lynde. Who would have thought? But well, she just so happens to be the only woman in a council of men. Them trying to pass her opinion off as “hysterical” fits in perfectly with the theme of the episode about women’s voices and the right to equality. 

Ok, so Diana might not be so lost, after all. I have to admit, I squeal in delight at the sight of her and Jerry. But… wait. What is going on just now? I’m not liking the sound of this. And why do I feel like his heart wasn’t in that kiss? Why are you doing this to me? I should be excited, nay, ecstatic, about Derry’s second kiss. Not hurt by the look on Jerry’s face. What did you do to my boy, Moira?

Miss Stacy seems to have finally come to her senses and is ranting about the stupid censorship that stupid men put on the newspaper instead of the “scandalous” actions that Anne took. And Anne having a full-on raging breakdown and taking it out on the remains of the writing club… “We rest in truth”… I feel for her.

Gilbert has finally come back. I have no idea where he was all this time, but he’s back and there’s at least one thing in this episode I’m glad about. It seems that suffering does bring about change, after all. 

Anne coming back and being accepted with literal open arms… and then Gilbert’s face says it all. “I did what’s right. It was about time.”

“Anne’s farm boy is ever so tall…” First of all, yes he is, isn’t he? *heart eyes* Second of all. though, he has a name, and it’s Jerry. Third of all, he’s not Anne’s farm boy, he’s her brother. But at least we agree on something. Honestly, every now and then I feel that if I were to write a self-insert character for AWAE, I would end up with Ruby. She is just so much like me…

“Wonder if he has a farm girl…” Jerry’s just trying his best to hide at this point, and Diana looks like she would very much like to hide as well. But this is not hiding of the “secret forbidden romance” type. Why do I feel… embarrassment in her eyes? This is not my Diana. 

“I’m certain Billy won’t understand any of it” - and that’s why the business should go to Prissy alone. Also because Billy deserves nothing, whether he understands the business or not. 

What is wrong with Josie? The poor girl doesn’t even understand she’s perpetuating her own suffering. At least Anne tried. Multiple times. I’m afraid some victims deny themselves the chance to be saved…

“My girl”… oh sweet, gentle, wonderful Jerry… I fear she might not be very worthy of you right now… Also, it’s funny (read: cruel) what the fates do to us. I’ve wanted for Anne to know about Derry, but not in circumstances such as these…

“She seems to like the kissing part, but not the part where we talk”… this seems like a half-subtle parallel between their situation and what Billy did to Josie, and I’m not liking the implications this has about Diana. And it seems Anne has got the same impressions…

Poor, poor Jerry… I can barely see what I’m typing right now because I’m bawling my eyes out. I so wish I could be there to give him a hug and tell him just how much more he’s worth. Only, I couldn’t be much help because, as I said, I’m bawling my eyes out myself… That is NOT my Diana. Who’d have known the day I’d take Gilbert back in would be the day I’d lose Diana? But this is not about her. This is about how she made Jerry feel - wonderful, hard-working, smarter-than-he-is-given-credit-for Jerry who deserves absolutely no hurt. I knew the development of Derry was too good to last, but I did not expect the pain to come from within. I expected anything - society, their class difference, their families, even Diana’s higher education - to come between them, but never Diana’s behaviour to Jerry. Excuse me while I go throw pillows at my wall in rage and heartbreak. 

“They can’t take your beauty away from you”… Umm, exuse me? All this happened because Josie was reduced to a “pretty face”. But you wouldn’t know. You weren’t there. She was, though, and she seems to finally realise just what was done to her. Please don’t let me be wrong in assuming that.

“I still like you”? Come again? What has happened that might reduce her likeability other than what you alone did to her? You’re an entitled effing brat, that’s what you are. And she owes you nothing. Good on Josie for finally realising her worth. 

And you dare to just show up and act like nothing happened after what you did to Anne’s brother? If somebody treated my brother like this, I would make them pay. That much I know.  I thought you would know better, Diana. “It doesn’t mean anything”… you better shut your mouth before you say anything else hurtful about the two people you’re alleged to love the most. walking on thin ice there, Miss Barry. 

“Don’t you dare” No, don’t YOU dare! I was afraid Jerry would be just a temporary escape, a little adventure to Diana, but I shuddered to think it would be so anywhere beyond my anxiety-induced nightmares… and now there are some insulting words floating around in my head that I’m not directing at her just because I’m sure that, unlike Billy, she will redeem herself. I’m dying right here. I did not opt to miss my lectures to cry so much. 

A real quote from my reaction to 3x5: “I live and would die for Anne and Diana’s friendship.” Well, now I feel like I AM dying - because this seems like the end of it. My brain knows it’s not, but my heart sides with Anne. And Jerry. I side with respect and equality. What side are you on, Diana?

“Just a suggestion. Not telling you what to do”… Gilbert seems genuinely a bit scared of her and I’m still dying - but now it’s of laughter. Gil has learnt his lesson and as of now deserves to be called Gil again… until further notice. 

And the “rallying” that the episode description promised is in full force now. I’m finally smiling at this episode. It was high time. 

Marilla stading up for Anne in front of the council and Matthew just smiling with pride is the golden content I had already lost all hope to see in this darkest of dark episodes… In Matthew We Trust!

In the name of all that is holy, I hope Moira’s deviations from the source material include the survival of both Matthew and Ruby. Seriously, source material, Matthew and Ruby? The biggest cinnamon rolls of them all? what’s next, Jerry? Delphine? No, forget I ever said that. 

And now Josie joining in is just about the best thing I can hope to see before the hurricane of suffering this episode is comes to its end. 

The “Not a Take Notice kind of guy” scene flashed through my mind when Gilbert said “Thanks for the suggestions”… this moment is so different, so much better… My Gil, Anne’s Gil, is back, and he’s making sure everyone knows it. You should see my face now.

The world needs more teachers - and women in general - like Miss Muriel Stacy.

Anne and Gil being aware of what exactly their relationship is like (Shouldn’t we be arguing about something…”) while not being sure what their relationship is like at all is… the most wonderful paradox I can think of right now. We’re getting a Shirbert kiss… in, like, season 6 or something, but it’s worth waiting for. Some slowburns should remain slowburns. 

The spelling… oh gods, the spelling! #Shirbert

When Anne mentioned Winifred, I couldn’t help thinking of that time she mentioned Ruby… why do you do this to the guy, Anne? He’s trying to take a step forward, I can see that he really is. 

Wait, what is happening? Why do they always make screens so dark, I can’t see what’s going on at all. 

Oh no! When Miss Stacy mentioned the building spontaneously combusting, I didn’t think that was foreshadowing… but then, if I remember correctly, a fire was what made Anne and Ruby friends, so we never know - something good might come out of this. I hope so.

To sum up, in this episode we saw: Anne’s actions and their disastrous outcome; the town isn’t ready to accept the changes that are happening inevitably; Billy is an a**hole, Prissy is an icon - no surprises in either situation; Diana is not Diana; Josie doesn’t realise she’s a victim and has a voice; all the girls except Anne suffer from what we over at TV tropes call Aesop Amnesia about Beltane; Derry’s second kiss was nothing like the first one; Gilbert is BACK; Ruby is me; this is NOT MY DIANA; Anne finds out about Derry in the worst way imaginable; Jerry suffers and I want to kill someone because of it; the fall of Diana and what seems like, but is hopefully not, the death of Anne and Diana’s friendship; Josie realises her worth and puts Billy in his place; Gilbert is back like he’s never been gone; rallying and organised action at its best; In Matthew We Trust; Josie is back for the better; Shirbert knowing their relationship and not knowing it at the same time; Anne mentions another girl yet again - some people never learn; Miss Stacy unknowingly predicted the fire.

#anne with an e #anne with an e s3 #anne with an e spoilers #anne with an e season 3 spoilers #awae #awae s3 #awae season 3 #awae spoilers #awae 3x07 #anne shirley cuthbert #gilbert blythe #diana barry #jerry baynard #ruby gillis #moody spurgeon #charlie sloane #jane andrews #billy andrews #prissy andrews #tillie boulter #muriel stacy #rachel lynde #marilla cuthbert #matthew cuthbert #thoughts #reaction #review #jnk poetry #jnk watches awae

[bipolarbratz-blog]

hello, i hope everyone is having a good day.

i’ve decided to at the very least take a break from this blog, if not totally abandon it. i haven’t been very active for awhile. it hasn’t brought me happiness to be here for quite awhile. i’ve changed a lot and i have freedom to do things now with my new living situation. i’m trying to find hobbies i enjoy and i’m trying to start my life. i’ve been changing my mindset to a much more positive one. coming on here at this point makes me personally feel like i’m being forced into an identity i no longer feel is mine. i genuinely do not think i have bipolar disorder. i genuinely do not feel i have persistent depressive disorder. i have had basically a full remission from my OCD. at this point i feel i’m really only affected from social and generalized anxiety along with PTSD. i believe i still have a lot of growing to do, but i’ve grown into someone different than who i was when i started this blog. i still deal with flashbacks from my assault. i am getting frequent flashbacks from my past living situation. i have triggers which i never really even had after my assault. i am going to do what i can in order to see if i have more PTSD from that and work to overcome it with time and healing. this blog has taught me a lot about people living with many mental disorders and/or disabilities. i believe it was a great experience for me and helped me through a hard time. i may or may not make another blog to vent out about flashbacks and all, but am unsure. this blog will never be deleted by my hands. it will stay up so if anyone wants to look at my posts, they can do as they please. i wish everyone well and hope everyone can heal from what they’re dealing with. if anybody would like to message me and possibly ask for other socials, feel free. i appreciate the support i’ve received from the blog, and please remember you are all important and that recovery is possible. there may be no cure, but life always goes on and you deserve a life of happiness and a life you can be content with. things can only get worse for so long until they get better again.

i’d also like to say what really helped me feel better is distancing myself from negative jokes/self depreciating jokes. i get they’re funny, but taking constant digs at myself really took a toll on me. don’t get me wrong, i still struggle with my confidence and think i will for awhile, but you can’t improve if you don’t change. i may not love myself yet but i recognize i am worthy and i am not a doormat and i am not unlovable. i have friends who i love and a life i’m starting to really look forward to. if things fall apart or i’m alone or i’m having a bad day, i have me and that’s why i need to take care of myself and shift my thinking so i can be there in my own times of need and not have a breakdown over how ugly i feel when my world is falling apart. cures unfortunately aren’t there for everyone, but improvements are and sometimes they’re hard to put in place but they’re worth it and putting them off won’t make them come any sooner.

i wish you all the best and please remember to take care of yourselves. i will be looking at messages most likely the rest of today and some of tomorrow. maybe i’ll check again in a week just to make sure. best of luck to everyone.

[waitedforgarridebs]

Fix-It #2: The Final Problem is "Staying Alive" (1/3)

Why Bond Air and TRF are linked

Going into series 2 now, and we all know where that leads: The Reichenbach Fall.

But why did Sherlock Holmes have to die – without actually dying?

Soon after the pool, Sherlock gets himself into very deep waters – only this time, it will be almost impossible to fix the situation again.

Even for Mycroft.

This is part #3 of the "Game Theory" series (x).

Interlude: The series 2 timeline conundrum

It was Mrs Hudson, in her dress, with the deerstalker.

The timeline of series 2 is a bit... wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey.

Referencing this thread (x), but long story short: Sherlock wasn't all keyed up, put himself through cold turkey and harpooned a dead pig because of Irene, but because of what happened at the pool.

Therefore, Sherlock and John went to Baskerville before they ever got involved with Irene’s photographs

The same newspaper in both scenes indicates that Sherlock's desperate search for the last stack of cigarettes in his flat happened on the same day Irene first decided that "it's time" to go and attract Sherlock's attention.

And looking at the following exchanges, one can't but wonder whether one really should stick to the timeline of John's blog, where "By Royal Appointment" and "The Hounds of Baskerville" are listed with a one year gap (!) in-between:

So, since the real timeline of those two episodes isn't exactly linear, I just want to point out that our favourite torture scene at the end of THoB…

… could have happened at any given point in time – and not necessarily "right after THoB".

Back to the pool

Because this is where we left off in the last post (x) – and Sherlock and John just almost died together.

Which left Sherlock a bit… wired.

This "game" between him and Jim escalated pretty quickly, and he probably only realised when he saw John strapped in Semtex how much he actually had risked by agreeing to rush headlong into this “game”.

Then again, Jim Moriarty is probably the most interesting and diverting opponent Sherlock has been facing in a really long time, if not ever, so going back to dealing with those ordinary clients now must be a real downer.

Therefore it's not surprising to see Sherlock suddenly taking so many cases, not only in an attempt to occupy himself, but also trying to find a truly interesting mystery.

Exactly this increased activity, in combination with John's blog, quite "accidentally" results in them becoming an internet phenomenon and eventually builds up Sherlock's reputation as "boffin" detective.

Not every case seems to be worthy of Sherlock's attention, though. And whenever simply ignoring the boring cases doesn't help, Sherlock goes out and harpoons even-toed ungulates.

Or hacks into John's computer and reads the emails to his girlfriends.

Tl;dr: He's horny bored.

And a bored Sherlock is never a good Sherlock

Because, even if he himself is blissfully unaware of it, he's getting dangerously close to discovering a lead to another project of the real Moriarty.

Again.

Aren't we lucky that Sherlock would rather go and fight an invented super villain, while being dressed up as a ninja (x), than notice the number of people suddenly coming to Baker Street inquiring about the missing bodies of their dead relatives.

Still, this starts to become quite of a problem: Not only could every next client finally make Sherlock notice the pattern he so far blindly has been ignoring, but John is also blogging in great detail about all those strange cases regarding bodies which are not where they are supposed to be, and how BAFFLED, and flummoxed, and bamboozled Sherlock is about all this – on a publicly accessible website which has been gaining a lot of traffic and attention lately. 

(x) (x) (x)

Provided that potential clients continued dropping all those clues about the Bond Air project at this rate: Even if Sherlock won't draw the right conclusions from all of this, somebody else out there eventually might.

And then Sherlock's boredom-induced hunt for a missing rabbit gets him involved in yet another top-secret, conspiracy-laden government project...

Granted, this way at least he stops poking at project Moriarty for a couple of days, but breaking into a military base using a master keycard he nicked from his big brother certainly goes on the "con" side of the "Sherlock's utility" list.

Let's put his time and gift to some actual use!

And since Sherlock is not the only "princess" to go around and cause trouble these days in order to alleviate their horniness boredom, maybe he'll even get a knighthood out of it.

Sending the gay detective to extract some compromising photographs from a lesbian dominatrix who's trying to blackmail the Royal Family – what could possibly go wrong?

… damn.

Tfw your distraction turns out to be linked to the secret you wanted to distract from.

Or to be a bit more picturesque: Mycroft's carefully constructed house of cards didn't only collapse just now, but got crushed by the weight of a grounded passenger jet.

(x)

"Bond Air" is Mycroft's "Skyfall"

Thanks to Sherlock's deduction, the whole Bond Air operation is now compromised and therefore cancelled – the plane will never fly.

We know that this was not the only plane Mycroft and his people equipped with dead passengers, and that they collaborated with at least two foreign countries for this whole operation – however: The following statement, together with Mycroft's extreme distress in the final third of the episode, do seem a bit "exaggerated", if they really were talking only about planes…

Years of planning to intercept bomb attacks on planes, that seems to be not only very specific, but also a bit... inefficient.

(Also, corpses don’t usually have that long of a shelf life.)

But if we were talking about deceiving terrorists by redirecting and controlling crimes in general, "months and years of planning", as well as Mycroft's very emotional breakdown in this specific episode suddenly do make a lot of sense…

Because Mycroft's worst nightmare just came true: By making the wrong deduction at the wrong time, Sherlock just ended up doing something very bad.

Sherlock inadvertently busted Project Moriarty

And the "funny" part is: Sherlock is absolutely unaware of what he did.

But that is the thing about Sherlock: Very often, he just deduces things – unable to control it himself.

And he doesn't think about the consequences of what he just happened to deduce before he voices his conclusions. So, depending on the circumstances, this can in fact make his genius more harmful than useful.

SHERLOCK: There’s a margin for error but I’m pretty sure there’s a Seven Forty-Seven leaving Heathrow tomorrow at six thirty in the evening for Baltimore. Apparently it’s going to save the world. Not sure how that can be true but give me a moment; I’ve only been on the case for eight seconds.

(And we've all seen how that one ended…)

There is a certain irony to the fact that Sherlock didn't have to know anything about the true motives behind the Bond Air operation – it being tied to project Moriarty, that is – to make ^this momentous deduction.

Hence all of Mycroft's efforts to distract his brother and to keep the situation under control turned out to be in vain… In the end, all it took was an ill-timed deduction meant to "impress a girl".

Bond Air is exposed, the terrorists know about the bomb – it is only a matter of time now until someone else eventually figures out the truth about project Moriarty.

And if a worldwide "network" of criminals ever were to realise they had been played like this the entire time – by secret services and governments…

… millions of innocent citizens would fall victim to the vengeful wrath of a lot of very dangerous people.

This whole thing has become too woolly, too messy...

The sting operating "Moriarty" needs to be stopped immediately, and the traces leading back to the legitimate authorities behind it all obfuscated as thoroughly as possible.

It is convenient enough that outsiders who've already been in touch with Moriarty think of him as a "consulting criminal", hence "a person", and that he is thought to be the one and only leader of this worldwide network of criminals.

A sudden and moreover unexplained "disappearance" of Jim Moriarty, however, would only cause unwanted suspicion; there needs to be a convincing reason for him to permanently cease his activity as a consulting criminal.

And what could be more permanent than killing this "person" off…

(x)

Not only is this the proper way to deal with such a "loose end", but one also wouldn't have to fear the revenge of any of Moriarty's now disgruntled clients due to cancelled deals and unsettled grievances.

"Moriarty" has to die – because one can't really take revenge on a dead person

But in order to actually nip any burgeoning hard feelings in the bud, the story behind Moriarty's downfall has to spread to even the furthest branches of the network as quickly as possible.

Hence merely an obscure, whispered voice would not suffice; not only would it take too long, but its (obviously non-existent) credibility would need to be established and proven first, etc etc etc ...

An already well-established, widespread, fast-paced and reliable information channel is needed.

"I love newspapers. Fairy tales – and pretty grim(m) ones, too."

And one thing is certain: The more sensational the news, the faster and wider it will spread.

How utterly convenient that "Jim" now happens to commit The Crime Of The Century.

That alone would already be a good enough story by itself, but it doesn't quite fulfill its actual purpose: As of now, James Moriarty only is being accused of attempting to steal the crown jewels (among other things), and therefore he is nothing more than an "ordinary" thief.

But remember: The whole point of this was to make the world believe that James Moriarty is a "consulting criminal" and the leader of a huge underground network.

Jim officially needs to become Moriarty's face

Because then, if Jim was to die, Moriarty (and eventually his network) would die with him.

But it wouldn't have been very convincing for Jim to just go out there and claim to be the most evil mastermind to ever have evil'ed – which is why he actually got his hands dirty and broke into all these places. 

The three most secure places in the country. 

And then he got acquitted of the charges without having to show any proof for his "innocence" to the jury.

That's quite a feat.

And, on the surface, also a very marketable skill set for a criminal mastermind.

So far, there's nothing really remarkable or fishy about it: Advertising for his criminal business seems to be a good enough explanation for why Jim did what he did – but if it had been the actual reason, the episode would have ended right here:

Having managed to vanish without a single trace after getting all this public attention, James Moriarty would have gone back to his now booming consulting business and happily continued to sit in the centre of his web till the end of days.

There was no need for Richard Brook

If James Moriarty actually broke into all these places in order to advertise, he wouldn't have gone and activated the self-destruct button by "creating" Richard Brook only six weeks later.

But there was a Richard Brook, and eventually the story ended with both Jim and Sherlock committing (fake-)suicide on the rooftop of St Bart's.

As if this had been meant to happen all along...

… and, to quote Moffat, "what a waste of a scene that would be". (x)

;)

Up next:

Part 2 of this post.

Link to part #4 of the series (x).

Follow @the-game-theory or me myself for updates.

Why is the series called “Game Theory”? (x)

My never-ending great big thanks to @mollydobby, as always, for the discussing and betaing. 🍪

Also, and I forgot that in the last two (ugh!), many thanks to @callie-ariane for her transcripts (x); what would the fandom do without her!

And since I did announce a SURPRISE last week: As you already noticed, the series 2 post has got multiple parts – two of which will be published next week on Tuesday AND Thursday! :)

(^because there actually is a little cliffhanger inbetween the next two, and I don't want y'all to suffer... ♥ )

Tagging people – if you’d like to be tagged in future posts as well, feel free to write me!

@elephant-in-the-bloom @may-shepard @wiscolina @devoursjohnlock @sarahthecoat @wibblywobblybowtie @violetvernet @etherealweekes @etoileetiolee @thewarriorprincessinthefield @shylockgnomes

#meta-tuesday #Sherlock #Sherlock meta #meductions #Mykey #The Game Theory #MyH #JM

[stkambln]

“No Laughing Matter” Mega Post

(I’m reblogging this post from last year today, September 21, 2018. I fixed some gifs and made tiny changes.)

This is the episode I have invested the most time on ever. I wanted to have this ready earlier, but it took way more time than I imagined. Also, it became way bigger than I planned. But if you liked the episode and really like Luan, take a look at it for some interesting details.

Some of the stuff I talk about here probably never was in the mind of the writers. They could say this isn’t how they wrote Luan here. But that’s just it. This is how I see Luan’s character in No Laughing Matter.

Reflections, a bit of analysis, some a little bit dark speculations, and a LOT of GIFs and images

...

“No Laughing Matter” was sad actually, but just for the needed amount of time. However, during that time, it almost costed me tears.

That little melody… that was so sad. And what the heck Leni: “She’s so annoying!”, and Lincoln: “I wish she would just stop!” You guys are supposed to be the nicest siblings! I guess sometimes, even if unintentionally, your loved ones can hurt you really. 

Notice her voice during the time we can’t see her face because of all the funny stuff she carries. Also when she’s throwing it all into the bag, even when Lincoln is speaking at the same time. To me, it kind of sounds like Luan is trying not to cry.

Luan surely cried for some time after hearing her siblings complain. But now that she’s throwing away all her beloved comedy props, she must have felt sad again. She might had been considering doing it at some point, but after revealing what she was feeling to Lincoln, she probably had a moment of anger and decided to finish with all this stupid comedy thing for good. And she just threw Mr. Coconuts in the bag! And she referred to all of it as “trash”! 

And of course, this was called. They had to take Luan's “Get it?!” and use it against her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had another emotional breakdown after she forced Lincoln out of her now empty room, and couldn’t find any trace of what she used to be.

This was the most tragic, and also the most wrong conclusion Luan reached. Because if some don’t laugh with you, it doesn’t mean others won’t. But apparently, Luan can’t believe she’s funny to anyone if she thinks her siblings dislike her comedy that much.

Now, this was a different side of Luan, being all low and speaking scarily normal. Luan’s behavior and language is lacking of anything that differentiates her from the rest.  

She’s like an actress reading her lines just because whatever.

Unlike that merry melody that was played when Luan was inviting the kids to her show, there’s no music at all in these scenes.

It looks as if she was also “practicing” how to be nice to her siblings. Even complimenting them.

Somebody said Luan is apathetic rather than depressed, and I think that’s right at some point. However, Luan wasn’t just walking around like a zombie, not caring for anything. Her clever comedian mind was working hard for another purpose.

You look at her face. She’s trying to decide which is the appropriate way to react to this without using a joke.

You could probably say that she’s just puzzled about her siblings doing these unusual things, but remember, just recently, Luan used to respond to everything with a punny comment. Now, she has quit that, so behaving “normally” in these everyday situations is sort of a new territory she’s exploring.

At some moments, I’d dare to say she even looks afraid she could be responding wrong to her siblings.

And boy, she was way far from being unemotional. It doesn’t happen everyday that we get to see so many different faces from Luan. For now, let’s focus on the fact that Luan can be serious too, and get genuinely angry.

But really, who wouldn’t lose it if your siblings keep spitting many fluids of various flavors in your face? She had to change her clothes at least three times that day.

And something curious, what was the deal with this book?

What exactly was she so interested in that she even had to read it while walking? That’s dangerous, Luan!

Kind of looks like... some computer program thing?

It may be that Luan was trying to find something new to dedicate her life to. Or perhaps, this was some way of avoid thinking in comedy?

All in all Luan was trying to adapt to her new self. She apparently had accepted the change pretty fast and maturely. That doesn’t mean she didn’t go through any hard experiences.

Lincoln finds out about Luan’s decision apparently just one day after she overheard them “venting”. Which means she went through the entire process of convincing herself she’s not funny and giving up comedy in just one night. And the next morning, she’s serving Lincoln totally harmless punch. 

Maybe it wasn’t just one night, and a few more days passed before the kids found out about Luan. In which case, all of them, and especially Luna, failed to notice something was wrong with one of the Loudest of the Louds. Either that or Luan managed to keep it in the very low profile.

I think it was the first scenario, but whatever the case was, the important matter is that this girl had a BIG internal crisis that she solved by herself.

I don’t intend to understand and explain Luan’s mental state in this episode. I just want to point out that she probably didn’t really finish detaching from her comedian self. 

We don’t know if she really cried about it, or how much she did it, or what she felt towards herself and everybody else; shame, guilt, hate, misery, etc. All we saw was that in a short period of time, she was looking just fine, without any major signs of uneasiness, and even being so confident that she had taken the right decision. This is what makes me believe she may had left some things unsolved. Because, this was her passion in life after all. She abandoned it too quickly.

And here is where I think we could talk about depression, or identity crisis, or any other psychological thing that could have hit Luan in the days after the events of the episode. And I think we get a glimpse of that possibility when the kids attend the Chortle Portal show.

So Luan decides she can go and enjoy comedy even when she is not a good comedian. She thinks everything’s alright, but she instantly begins another conflict with herself. Her belief that she’s not good at making people laugh suddenly makes her wonder if she is not even good at being capable of laughing with real good comedy.

This is where it seems that Luan didn’t solve her crisis in the right way. She has given up comedy, since she’s not funny, but now, that wrong belief is making her consider giving up something not related to not being funny. Because I think we all agree that you don’t need to be a genius comedian to... just laugh at something funny.

This is a dangerous logic that was putting Luan in a wrong path. Even catastrophic. She probably was gonna start thinking she is not good for anything related to comedy. That she doesn’t belong to comedy. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s not worthy of it.

If Lincoln hadn’t done what he did, and had they just watched all the performances that night, Luan may had ended really damaged. 

Because the way I see it, to Luan, it still hurt. All those years working so hard to be funny had made her love comedy. And suddenly, she has to turn her back to all that. However, I don’t think she forgot her love for making people laugh in such a little time. She may have covered it with shame and sadness when realizing she was annoying to others, but it was still there. She might have forced herself to ignore it, and that’s how she thought she had solved everything.

Going to a place that celebrated comedy suddenly reminds her how much she loved that. It hurts to Luan to think how she can’t never again do what she loved most, because she’s not good at it, and that’s probably when it occurs to her that perhaps she can’t either hear a joke and laugh with it.

If she had kept thinking that way, it would’ve been too much for her to endure. She wouldn’t have been able to keep watching the comedy show, or to even think about comedy, because it hurt too much that it reminded her of what she had lost. 

So she would’ve probably ended up rejecting it. 

Luan probably would have left the building not only definitely distancing herself from comedy, but also hating it. Maybe even hating herself for having tried to be funny.

And after this, it’s almost sure she would have developed a serious case of depression. Along with who knows what other emotional scenarios. Have you ever wonder how Maggie became an Emo? Well, this looks like a probable way to it.

I almost feel tempted to put here an image of Emo Luan, but no.

Because thank God, none of that horrible stuff happened to Luan. Save that for the fanfics. And we know how it all ended.

Nobody is probably gonna know really how much good Lincoln’s plan did for Luan, but it sure had a tremendous effect on her.

She was just about to follow that wrong path from above, when her still alive comical instinct put her on stage.

You can see she doesn’t believe it at first, but it’s true. It is laughter.

We have to stop a bit to consider that Luan is used to hear laughs from almost only little kids at birthday parties, and in her house there’s usually groaning when she tells a joke. So this laughter must have been the sweetest sound she wasn’t expecting.

I absolutely love her face the precise moment she comes back.

This is no joking matter. She is making an audience of grown ups laugh. People who probably don’t even know her.

And this is probably the second most important moment of the episode. Her sisters and brother are laughing with her puns for the first time ever in the whole series!... Ok fine, that’s not fair. This should be like the second time they laugh with her jokes.

So, in the end, Luan sees that people do laugh with her comedy, and that she really is funny. Her siblings were just a little annoyed by her recent bombardment of comedy, and it was more because of the physical jokes.

Let’s take a moment to look at Luan’s happiest most sincere face that shows she feels like she just came back from death and has another chance at comedy life.

This is what she really needed and wanted to hear. And it’s the perfect scene to end the main section of this Megapost.

...

Nah, THIS is the perfect image.

...

A special mention to Leni in this episode, for breaking her sister’s heart.

But also for being the only one who thought something might had been wrong.

And of course, for this beautiful thing

...

I want to finish by remarking a couple of things about the episode in general.

On the bad side:

It bothers me that Luna wasn’t the first one in the house to notice Luan had given up comedy. I mean, Luan threw her contest flyers in the trash can in their shared bedroom. And if she did notice, then she didn’t give it much importance, or the writers didn’t take this opportunity to show more about their sisters relationship.

This crisis Luan had seems like the type of matter parents should take care of, or at least be aware of. Ok, I get they may have been busy. But they didn’t make time to attend their daughter’s very important contest? I thought at least Mr. Loud enjoyed puns.

On the good side:

Luan actually WON the Junior Comedians Contest! She made a whole audience of adult strangers laugh. That puts her in another level. She means some serious funny business now.

This experience is gonna teach Luan a lot of things. She knows exactly what, but I bet she’s gonna be more confident against critics. I wish we could say her family is gonna be less annoyed by her comedy, but it seems some things never change in the Loud House. She just have to learn to tolerate the intolerant.

...

That’s it for good now. I’m glad if you make it until this point. There will be a second part to this, of course much shorter and focusing on a different aspect of the episode. It will not be much friendly though.

Also, if somebody noticed the Charlie Brown reference in this episode (if there was any), please tell me, because I haven’t found it yet.

#Luan Loud #No Laughing Matter #The Loud House #gifs #BIG post #reflection #thoughts

[lifeafterawakening]

How to let go of your ex once and for all (even if it feels impossible)

It took me nearly 3 years to get over my ex boyfriend. If you have ever been through a breakup, you know it is one of the hardest most heart-wrenching things to go through.

After weeks of fighting, the day came where there was no other option than to break up. When he left my house that day I felt like he had ripped off a piece of my soul. I had loved this man with all my heart, it was a raw all consuming intense kind of love. I couldn’t grasp the reality of what had happened. My best friend came over and I was just lying there with lykke li’s song possibility on repeat. I had cried for hours and there was no life left in my eyes. 

For the first few months after the breakup I was in denial and I went into party mode, but not dealing with the pain slowly started to take its toll. And eventually (also because of some other factors) I fell into a deep black depression that would last for about a year. After the depression it still took me a long time to completely let him go.

It was the hardest and most valuable experience of my life.

So what helped me to let him go?

1. Accept reality:

I remember one day sitting on my sisters bed and complaining about how I wanted to stop thinking about him. I was more than sick of being hung up on him. She looked up and very firmly said, first admit you are still in love with him. I was shocked, I’m not in love with him anymore I cried out. I was.

The first step is admitting where you are. You still love this person. And that’s okay. Being hard on yourself for the way you feel, means you are rejecting your emotions and so you will not be able to process them. The next step is to decide that you truly want to move on. You have to want to move on, more than you want to be with him. You have to fight your way through the pain and tears, because you deserve to be happy. Then you have to be willing to experience the pain of letting go. You have to accept your emotions and process them. This could mean writing down all your feeling, locking yourself in your room and crying as much as you want. Give yourself permission to go through these emotions that want to be released.  

Then comes the hardest part, you have to give up hope. The biggest reason why I couldn’t let my ex go was because I would not let go of hope. In my mind it was only a matter of time before he would call me and we would get back together. I used to come up with excuses why he hadn’t called yet, he was probably still working on his issues and sorting his life out first. He wasn’t ready for a real relationship. BULLSHIT. He might still think about you, he might even still care about you, but what really matters is what he is doing about it. And if the answer is NOTHING, then none of it matters. When hope is based on a fantasy it can destroy your life. In the end I forced myself to look at reality. He had not called me for almost 3 years. We would never get back together.

2. Change your focus:

During my relationship I had made this person the biggest source of my happiness. And so when he left I didn’t know how I could ever be happy again. I thought my happiness depended on his presence in my life. You always hear this cliché advice about going out and doing things after a breakup, well it’s true. You have to find other things to focus on, other sources of happiness. I learned to focus more on my family and my friends. I started spending a lot more time with them and realized how happy they made me and how much I appreciated them. I also started reading a lot of books again. My focus shifted towards life questions like who do I want to be and what do I want to do with my life. Whenever you have a breakdown, it is a chance to rebuild yourself again. And that is exactly what I did. I became very self aware and questioned all of my beliefs about myself and the world. I started exploring myself and experiencing life. I am a completely different person today than the day lykke li was singing to a dead eyed girl.

So completely focus on yourself, find out what you truly enjoy. What do you still want to experience in the world? Time is passing us by. We are here to experience life and all of its ups and downs, don’t let this one down knock you out of the field for too long.

3. Choose your happiness:

You have to be very honest about whether you want to be happy. I used to think about all the mistakes I thought I had made. If only I had acted a little different we would still be together. If only I had different needs then it would have worked. Yes if I had the same needs as he had, it might have worked. But that person would not be me. I accepted that this is the type of person I am and these are the needs I have. I enjoy a lot of physical affection for example and I want to spend a lot of time with the people I love, especially my partner. These are not insane needs that no one can fulfill, there are millions of people out there who have the same desires in a relationship. Now I could ignore my needs and force myself to be with this person, but for what? Isn’t the reason I want to be with him, because I think he makes me happy? Well if he isn’t meeting my needs, it means I am not happy in this relationship. His needs are not going to change overnight and neither are mine. If I want to be with him, it means I can’t be myself, I can’t be happy. I had to make a choice between my own happiness and this person. I decided my happiness will always be more important than any man. 

4. Take away the crown:

I had fallen head over heals in love with this man and after the breakup I continued to put him on a pedestal. I had a very selective memory. I only remembered all the times he made me feel beautiful and the deep conversations we had. I remembered how safe he made me feel. But I had “forgotten” all the heartbreaking times I had waited for his call that would never come, or all the times he made me feel unlovable. I was clinging to a fantasy man and a fantasy relationship. I was in love with his potential, with the man I thought he could be. But in reality he wasn’t this man and he didn’t want to be. I had made him into a king and no other man could compare. I had to be honest with myself and take away the crown.

What fantasy image have you created of this person? Are you looking at who they really are, or are you thinking about who they could be and how great the relationship could be. Maybe you are clinging to who this person was at the beginning of the relationship and you hope it will be like that again. But that’s not reality. If you are in love with this person’s potential, you are in love with a fantasy. And fantasies rarely come to life.

5. Rejection is redirection:

At first it was difficult for me to accept the breakup, because I had linked the failed relationship to my worth as a woman. To me the breakup meant I wasn’t pretty enough, my cooking wasn’t good enough and I probably wasn’t funny enough. I had to change myself in order to be worthy. WRONG. Obviously I was young and I had made mistakes, we both had. However I have since come to see that everything happens for a reason, and life will always be changing. Some people are meant to leave your life because their part in your story has come to an end. We are all worthy and no rejection can change that. I became aware that part of the reason this breakup was so painful, was because I had made it mean something painful. I had assigned a totally wrong meaning to the situation. Once I let go of this meaning it was much easier for me to accept the breakup.

What painful meaning have you given to your experience?

Accept that you are going through this, don’t think that this isn’t supposed to happen. Don’t resist the situation. Instead let the experience in. Let the emotions in. It is these tough experiences that build character. It’s these hopeless dark days that will truly make you appreciate the happy days. This too shall pass. Nothing is forever and you will get through this.

#break up #breakup #heartbreak #heartbroken #move on #relationship #love #dating #rejection #grief #self help #spiritual awakening #awakening #enlightenment #ascension #zen #advaita vedanta #heart chakra

[theambivertedlatina]

Broken, But Willing

May is mental health awareness month, and, at the same time, we’re experiencing life confined to our houses, maybe a little less productive than usual, and full of some anxiety and worry (for all very different reasons) due to COVID-19. In this time of social distancing, it’s created a lot of space for me to think through a lot of different memories from the past. Some of these memories are ones that come from a time when I was not aware of my personal struggles with my mental health and how that played a part in my relationship with the Lord. I hope my transparency can be a blessing to you this morning.

I grew up in the church. Came to grow closer to Jesus through worship. When I was 16 I was asked to help with worship to play guitar for a worship team from Biola University, known as the Biola Ethnic Advancement Team. We went to play at a hispanic church in Pomona, where we had come to promote for Biola and recruit students through this opportunity--through worship and service. I was asked to play guitar with a worship team composed of college freshman through my big sister's leadership. I thought I was cool, but I was also nervous because I had been asked to do worship with a team I didn’t know. My sister and I drove a good hour and half to get to the church and I got to sit in the front passenger seat of her car looking forward to doing worship together.

We got off the car, I took the hard guitar case out of her trunk (a guitar that actually didn’t belong to me) and felt my stomach be filled with more and more nervousness as we walked towards the sanctuary of the church to set up and meet with the BEAT worship team. I remember as I was setting up to get ready to for worship practice, I started tuning my guitar and as I was tuning *CRACK* my guitar string broke. Not just any string, but the little E string, the one that keeps everything together in a melody. I definitely did not have a spare to replace it, either, and either way, I didn’t matter because I didn’t know how to change them myself.

I felt myself become consumed by worry and anger. That’s the reality of my life due to my struggles a bit with anxiety and depression, mix a little bit of impostor syndrome in there, and folks there you have it--the recipe for an over-thinker, who has been too hard on herself almost all her life. In that moment, the words that came out of my mouth were. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I frantically didn’t know what to do because in that moment, although it wasn’t my fault, the first thing that came to mind was “I failed, Lord.” I had drilled in my head that I am to give God my absolute best in worship because He is deserving of it. How do you give God your absolute best when your tool is broken? I couldn’t concentrate during worship practice. During the worship service I was frustrated and trying to push past that moment of embarrassment, but I played and tried not to focus on what had happened. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, though, SHAME. One person took notice of my attitude and knew that I was hurting about what happened.  Absolutely ashamed and sad about the whole situation, I stayed quiet because I blamed myself for a broken guitar string ruining worship. 

Tamra was my sister’s boss at Biola, leader of the BEAT, and someone who would later change my life as my admissions counselor and as a student at Biola. She had noticed my frustration with myself. She had noticed the change in my demeanor and in my silence. This woman became the voice of God for me during a time that I wasn’t listening clearly, but focusing on my anger and my flaws, and she said, “God doesn’t look at the circumstance of what you were able to give or not give to deem something a worthy sacrifice, he saw the willingness of your heart to serve and give. He wasn’t looking for perfection, he was looking at your heart. And, that was enough.”

I broke a little inside from knowing that what she was saying was true. I didn’t realize until recently that I struggled with this idea of needing to be perfect before the Lord. That it was important for me to keep it together, and come to Him when I had arrived to a place of being calm, cool, and collected. It was a message I had somehow held onto as I was growing into my faith and trying to fight against, that in giving God your all, your flaws were not included. I always felt that if I wasn’t close to perfect that God would not be pleased with what I had to give to Him. That if I wasn’t close to perfect, I wasn’t worthy of being loved by my heavenly father. That if I wasn’t close to perfect, that I would miss out on this “ideal” life that God had in store for me. Yet, the reality of who I am is broken, imperfect, flawed, but still worthy through Christ.

I was reflecting on this memory because, well, in this season of my life, I’ve felt like that 16 year old girl saddened by that broken guitar string. The COVID outbreak, constantly being indoors, feeling like I’m not able to perform at my best, or just struggling with recovering from PTSD. I’ve felt like I haven’t been able to give God my best. I bring this up, because it feels like that lesson from a broken guitar string when I was 16 is being brought back up especially right now. It’s funny that I mention my experience with Biola and the BEAT that happened 12 years ago, because life has come full circle and I now lead this office as Assistant Director of Multi-Ethnic Outreach since 2018, and I came in being so hard on myself. As I was promoted, my anxiety got the best of me as I was met with these thoughts, “You were promoted for a role that you were not prepared to take on. You loved this department in your teens and in college... why can’t the thing you desired the most just help you get it together. You, a leader? Do they know about your issues with anxiety and depression? How will you be able to lead when you’re still working through treatment and have more tough days than good days? The medications you take, you know they signify that you’re not whole, right? You don’t have it together right now, how are you going to be able to manage your own team?” If you’ve haven’t been a part of my journey through recovery from the worst nervous breakdown of my life 4 years ago, I was called to leadership at a time when I felt my most broken. In a moment where God to prove to me that when I was weak, that’s when His strength appeared. 

Sometimes, in certain moments of our lives all we can give is a melody with a broken guitar string. In moments where I get dragged down into my negative thinking, I look to God to be a God who still loves me when that’s all I have to give. Even when my guitar string is broken, maybe the rest of my strings are out of tune also, and when my strings are in need of mending–God is still able to see my song as a worthy sacrifice because He knows my heart. He knows the song that my heart wants to sing, but maybe Jesus is what puts the symphony together and makes that song more beautiful because I lost my voice, because my guitar string is broken, because I’m crying that my strings are broken and untuned. The Holy Spirit is able to turn the melody into the masterpiece that is to become of my life. A broken guitar string is not what He sees, but the sacrifice and willingness of my heart to play because He is deserving of what I have to give when I put my whole heart into it. Jesus is the perfecter of faith, He’s the perfecter of the melody, not me.

It is Mental Health Awareness Month. You don’t have to be perfect and neither do I. 

#mentalhealthawarenessmonth

[dailydaelo-blog]

mental breakdown & pure excitement

just two one shots that take place after their first date:) one is Junhongs pov and the other is Daehyuns.

mental breakdown aka Junhongs pov

to say that he embarrassed himself was an understatement. he utterly and completely failed his first and 100% last date with Daehyun. just thinking about everything that happened makes him wanna pack his things and leave the city. no scratch that. more like this planet.

“i messed it up SO.BAD.” he whined into the telephone after Jongup picked up. as soon as he got home he called his best friend. “naaah don’t be so negative. you were nervous. that’s normal. there’s no perfect first date.” “but i was SO clumsy. and i’m never clumsy Jongup. not even as a child” he said while shaking his head. “well it is how it is Junhong. also it can’t be that b-” “pffft you wanna hear the story? okay then. just remember the fact that when i first met him at a grocery store i asked him and i quote ‘do you come here often?’“

a snort was heard from the other end of the line. “yeah i remember.” “so let me start with the awkward silence, continuing to the one word sentences, extend it to ‘sentences that doesn’t make sense’, kicking his leg under the table and ending with a bang, cause i POURED A FULL GLASS ON HIS SHIRT. how does that sound?”

silence.

“Hello? Jongup? are you there?” no answer. but then he suddenly heard him laughing out loud and Junhong bet his skateboard, that he had tears in his eyes. “IT’S NOT FUNNY! I WAS CONSIDERING TO END MY DAMN EXISTENCE!” “i- i’m sorry but OH MY GOD Junhong i so so wish i was there with you two. this is oscar-worthy. seriously i would PAY to see that.” he continued to laugh for almost a full minute until he calmed himself down. “please don’t tell the others. I will tell them when i’m ready, even though i already know that they will laugh like you did.” “you act like as if you have to tell them something serious, like i-have-a-secret-that-will-shock-you-to-the-core.” “this IS serious Jongup. by the way,i remember EVERYTHING that you told me after YOUR first date. do you need an update on that?” Junhong asked innocently. “let’s not change the topic, just because you’re scared Mr. Choi. we’re talking about Daehyun remember? so what now?” Jongup retorted. “what do you mean with ‘what now?’ he will delete my number and forget me.” Junhongs shoulders slumped down. “i’m sure he won’t. a person like you will not be forgotten.” “i don’t know if i should take this as a compliment or-” “just take it as one.” he said short and flat. . 

in exact that moment he heard his phone beeping from the kitchen. “wait a minute i’ll be right back.” he shuffled into the kitchen and opened his phone. the name that popped up on his screen made him scream, which Jongup heard probably. the message in it made him almost drop his phone.

“hey ehm it’s Daehyun. okay so i don’t know how to ask this and i’m already scared while typing this, but there’s a fair coming up this saturday. would you like to go with me? PS: our first date was very nice i loved it:)”

pure excitement aka Daehyuns pov 

he did it. and Daehyun couldn’t be happier. he was so scared and nervous, that he was about to cancel the date. in general, when was the last date he had? it felt like it was his first date EVER. but it was so worth it. Junhong was perfect in every way of his personality. - not to forget how HANDSOME he is. Daehyun doesn’t want to reach that far, but it was like love at first sight. the moment he bumped into him at the grocery store and Junhong dropping the cereal on him as he tried to help him was magical (good lord he’s tall and he stood so close behind him that he could backhu-) back to reality. but the cutest thing about him was his nervous rambling. there were sentences that made him laugh so hard inside. it was so JUNHONG. “do you come here often?” caught Daehyun off guard and he just stared at him with a big question mark above his head. 

but in the end he thanked every higher power that he met him.

now they had their first date. and it was awkward as hell. at the beginning.

Junhong wore a white shirt with glasses. GLASSES. he looked amazing, while Daehyun felt like a potato in his oversized sweater, that he thought was cute. “it will look great on your date. never dress like you’re about to go to a fashion week or funeral. being overdressed is one of the big no-no’s. be yourself and he will fall for you right away”, his best friend Youngjae told him. “are you sure it looks good? honest opinion. i don’t want compliments from you just to make me feel better.” “i’m serious Daehyun. it looks great end of discussion.” with that he went out to meet up with Junhong.

now that the date was over - which made him sad - , he felt like on cloud 9. as soon as he was home he called his best friend. when Youngjae picked up the phone, he didn’t even had time to ask him how the date went, cause Daehyun started talking  as fast as a machine gun. “oh my god, you don’t know what happened. it was so awkward at first, but as time went by we relaxed and talked as if we know eachother for years. first of all he looked so handsome i was speechless. he wore glasses. i don’t know if he just wore them as an accessoire and i also don’t care, but they made him 10000% cuter oh my god. it didn’t help that it all was a wonderful mess. like, we started talking at the same time and it turned into the you-first-no-you situation. he also kicked my leg under the table-” “HOLD UP DAEHYUN. LET.ME.BREATHE. i can’t even follow your sentences. try to talk a little bit slower, my brain can’t process everything that fast.” Youngjae finally managed to say. “in short it was awkward, hilarious and the glass pouring on my sh-” “WAIT A SECOND. HE POURED HIS FULL GLASS ON YOUR SHIRT?” “yes he did, but it was an ACCIDENT. he apologized over and over it was so adorable-” “so it was adorable that he ruined your sweater. okay. you’re already way too deep”, Youngjae deadpanned. “well he was nervous just like me and i probably messed some things up, too, but i can’t remember. to be honest.” Daehyun was so excited, he jumped in his apartment up and down. thank god nobody sees him. “sooo what now?” Youngjae asked after Daehyun stopped rambling. He then answered monotonous: “i want to see him again, that’s obvious.” “now the only question is: do you wait for an answer or are you brave enough to ask him?”

“I think i’m gonna take the chance.” “whoa wait WHAT? where did my Daehyun go? you NEVER approach people. is there some brainwashing going on?”  “NO. I JUST DON’T WANNA MISS THE CHANCE! trust me, someone like him has MANY admirers.” “so do you have any idea what you wanna do if he answers?” Youngjae asked curiously. “there’s a fair coming up and i really want to go. so i thought this is perfect.” “well. then text him. do’t be a coward now.” 

and suddenly Daehyun was nervous as hell. what if he’s not interested anymore? what if he annoyed him and he already forgot him? WHAT IF HE DELETED HIS NUMBER? Daehyuns mind played horror scenarios and Youngjae sensed that he was nervous. “Daehyun are you there?” “Yes”, he squeaked. all his worries crashed down on his head. “hey it’s okay, he’s probably just as nervous as you.” Daehyun hesitated for a moment and the took a deep breathe. “he probably is...but you know what? i can do this. i’m gonna text him.” both said their goodbyes and hang up. with shaking hands he opened his phone and typed in:

hey ehm it’s Daehyun. okay so i don’t know how to ask this and i’m already scared while typing this, but there’s a fair coming up this saturday. would you like to go with me? PS: our first date was very nice i loved it:)

then he threw his phone away, let himself fall on the bed and squealed into the cushion, waiting for an answer.

hopefully a positive one.

#admin melina wrote smth #what is this #hope you enjoy:) daelo #jung daehyun #choi junhong #lodae #lmao #daehyun #junhong #zelo #OTP;do you come here often #i know daehyuns is longer sorry #kjhskjfkcsd #sorry if there are any mistakes #im not good at writing these things kjhsddfjfsjd #daelo

[porcelain-dollfaces]

confession letter #3 (2016 july)

maybe you know this about me, but you probably dont- i see things in black and white, with no gray area. its either all good or all bad, people either heroic or evil, situations perfect or completely fucked.

for the greater part, ive put you on a pedestal but with that, i also take a lot of my internal anguish out on you even when it doesnt have anything to do with you. for that im sorry. i like you and i think ill always care about you. i guess that comes from a few incredible moments with you that i wouldnt trade for the world. i see you as the strength i lack in myself and someone id like to keep around in my life because you have shown in the past that youre worthy (ok, but at the same time i still alternate between loving and hating you depending on my mood so). youre also the first person ive had sex with since getting sexually assaulted two years ago in addition to the almost date rape incident, so theres that too.

im a huge fucking mess right now. mix anxiety and depression with a killer ecstasy comedown and hormonal post plan-b breakdowns, and this is the result. i dont fare well when people leave, especially since my death anxieties are constantly at an all time high since dylan died and i never thought it would be the last time i ever saw him when i did. so many people are leaving/have left, including my grandparents and my best friend. youre leaving too and im so scared youll forget about me, because with you, i always assume that im just some tinder girl that you fucked. i dont know if you care, because my minds so plagued by negative thoughts when im anxious and its easier to just jump to the conclusion that you hate me or that you dont care; its definitely easier than thinking you care when you actually dont. i dont know if that makes sense at all to you, but thats how i think and these are my thoughts.

i also dont do well when i know someone hates me, and trust me, someone is pretty fucking mad at me. that had to do with you, even though it was my fault for being indecisive and needing attention all the fucking time. they say hurt people hurt others, and for that i have a running tally of all those ive destroyed. i think ive recognized my own power for destruction, and id be scared to encounter someone like me, which is why im always on guard. when people i hurt ache, i ache too because i know how it feels and its not a good place to be. i also know that someone else probably hates me too for needing to take the fall for something i fucked up on, legal troubles and all. that really stresses me out, that i could have potentially screwed up her life and id never forgive myself if its on her permanent record or something.

i guess i also got reminded of someone from the past this summer, and i keep linking him back to you. like you, he was charismatic and funny, and in return for healing my wounds and listening to my ramblings, i gave him a ticket into my life and my thoughts. he had a girlfriend but lied to me and said that he was single because he knew i liked him and that i would do anything for him and basically talked me into hooking up with him three years ago, and im still not over it because if i were, then i wouldnt have all this trouble trusting you all of a sudden when things between us before were smooth sailing and what not. im blindly assuming you have someone because id rather be safe than have to pick up the pieces later. i swore id never be in that same place again, which is why i started pushing you away even when i knew how i truly felt about you.

those are a few things going on, to name a few. im a mess, im sad and nervous and i have a lot of trouble not overthinking and controlling my impulses and feeling too much. i need to work on myself, so i wouldnt even be able to handle a relationship right now in my condition. in that case, you shouldnt even want to be with me because ive been a little toxic and i pretty much have destroyed everything that ive touched. people keep leaving and im not really sure how to cope other than to take it out on you. i think im also a little jealous that you found a place where you belong and my whole world is shattering around me.

im like your modern day siren, luring people in because i crave the attention and the affection and because my passion and extremities draw people to me. that said, youll never meet anyone like me or have this same experience with someone else because im special and im worthy and if you dont see that now, youll see that once im gone.

i think its clear that im not the girl who has everything, even though ive basically projected myself as that up until this summer. you said youd always be there for me, and i guess i took that seriously. i soaked up every word you said as if you were reading the bible to me and im not ready to let that go because the world feels safer and kinder when youre in mine. all in all, i want you to be happy because after getting to know you, i truly believe that you deserve it all. i still dont want you to leave, because people always leave, but even if you arent physically here at least be there for me in spirit.

#personal

[lorriexdk5014352-blog]

Need For Velocity Release Date, Cars, Trailers, Gameplay And All The most up to date Headlines.

Placing a twist on an R & B or rap tune works well, states Port Frimston, 23, from three-piece London buskers The Tailor Made, who use the Underground and on the Southbank, as well as this set is actually recent, well known and also poppy good enough for folks to know the words. Motors that take the cars and truck with ease additionally assist listed below, which includes the entry-level 1.0-litre petroleum model. Hennessy simply packed in a strong motor right into a light automobile while Bugatti made use of an amazing motor matched to a luxurious automobile. Extra operational in comparison to the majority of the cars and trucks on this listing, the Emphasis Electric will not have anybody stargazing about its own appeals, however this normalises the electricity car in such a way that is actually important if they are actually ever to come to be the planet's prevalent form from motoring. Yet in the building world, the contrary holds true: city dwellers are actually wealthier as well as more likely to own cars and trucks, as well as unless everyone could be taught in the merits from sustainability and areas are generated that aren't car-dependent, there will be actually rapid development in automobile ownership and also consumption. The checklist (featuring its label or even summary) promotes unlawful activity, or even includes hate pep talk or advertisement hominem attacks on a fellow Goodreads member or writer. There is actually also the very funny view from NPCs aiming to enter into the very same vehicle as you, running across one another in the process. After returning she began her creating job while operating at the fine art facility from a local area college. These big auto providers can easily haul five or more autos at once, making it the most affordable procedure from transporting an auto. For instance, the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome will have the ability to acknowledge and also notify the vehicle driver that an automobile is pulling out of a side road, even though the chauffeur hasn't already observed the vehicle but. If white individuals break away coming from challenging their own racist propensities, racial discrimination will certainly survive. The unit is tough when white colored folks think they excel as well as perform certainly not wish to hear or else. Odor's larger-than-life personality has actually helped to push his firm forward in the notoriously particular market of luxury automobile companies. Unless you are actually one hundred per-cent certain from exactly what you are actually carrying out, do not seek to deal with vehicle fixings yourself. CarPlay plus all from these screen-based app/navigation/music operations, apart from MAYBE GPS maps, should certainly be actually somehow locked, a minimum of to the chauffeur, while the automobile resides in movement. Oppo's heavily custom-made user interface is actually full and also old-fashioned of childish icons, plus it is actually obsoleted and just managing atop Android 5. If you're ready to find out more in regards to http://margo-health.info look into our own internet site. 1.1. When Android 7.0 is actually arriving this summer, that's certainly not excellent sufficient. Brown had actually previously submitted an online video to YouTube which appeared to show the Auto-pilot attribute saving his car off colliding with a lorry. This took place many years after the show - and also after considerable outside job - yet one auto burst right into fires. We are actually 100% over the pollution limitations however persuading individuals certainly not to utilize their autos is hard," he said. Thus, supposing a power auto won't work with you, deciding just what to get next is actually definitely a situation from exercising the smaller of pair of miseries. The one thing I really love about Kia's navigating feature is the capability to enter addresses and also look for sights when the auto is actually moving, therefore my guest can easily utilize this. The car does display a liability warning each opportunity you begin the car, yet you are actually totally free to do as you wish when the vehicle relocations. While I had not been straight recommended in order to get unwanted repair services, the manager's failure to advise me from the dangers on a lengthy travel after an inspection from my old auto led me in order to get unnecessary repair works to take the journey, which led to my auto's breakdown. Folks buy cars and trucks to own them - if you eliminate the passion from being at the tire at that point you may too use Uber. Takedowns (as in, smashing other automobiles off of the street) are additionally favorably urged; damage the very same auto over enough races and also it'll be uncovered for purchase. Evaluation internet sites can easily give you insurance coverage quotes in an instant - that's merely a concern from providing your zip codes and you'll after that be actually routed to a page with a list from automotive insurers along with their matching insurance policy coverage/policies. A lot of extra safety and security features are being included, also, that mirror those built right into the most up to date cars - such as sensing whether you're deviating away from lane or ready to strike the automobile in front - yet these may not be a requirement. This's not hard to visualize a greater level of integration twixt smartphone as well as car if both discuss an Operating System. This needs to be capable of recognising and also differentiating between vehicles, bikes, people, pets as well as various other items as well as the road surface, where the auto resides in relation to integrated maps and manage to react to a typically uncertain setting. And all absolutely free - for which Polytopia is worthy of to control your Android game opportunity for an excellent long although. This is one from the finest auto motion pictures ever committed to movie if you are actually at all a vehicle fetishist.