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aroaceconfessions · 3 years

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Yesterday in one bookish discord server, someone asked something about ace rep. And because of that me and a few other a-spec people come and shared opinions, talked about aro ace rep in books, ect. A few people said that we really (a bit accidentally tho) educated them on the matter and asked a few more questions, asked for aroace books. One of them said they know it's not our job to educate them but if they don't ask, they wouldn't know. And this whole thing just made me genuinely happy. I mean, yeah, it isn't my job to educate anyone but the fact that they wanted to know, that they wanted to educate themselves, asked about books... This made my whole day.

Today my brain had to fuck up with me of course and thinking about this, I thought "why I wasn't so good at advocating about aroace identities when I came out to my friends?", "why these strangers are more interested to get educated about my identity then my best friends?", "why am I so bad at coming out?". And thinking about this made me feel just... lonely, I suppose. 000 Then, for some reason, I thought that it's probably because there were other a-spec folk with me. There were people to back me up if I needed and I would have done the same for them. I had a small, kind of temporary community for a while. And oh fuck, this made me feel even more lonely.

Because when it comes to queer community, I know why queers as a whole adore it so much - we're rejected by many people because of our identity and we find great comfort in having other people to share our pain with and to support us.

And just... I'm not sure why but I have always felt like an imposter when it comes to community. I'm greysexual and being in ace community always makes some feel like I'm not ace enough but with straights I'm not allo enough. I found comfort in the aro community - this is truly one of the greatest LGBTQ+ communities out there. But... I call myself greyromantic. But that's not practically true. I'm aro-spec. I know people wouldn't care that much, I know they wouldn't judge me, greyromantic is kind of an umbrella term on its own too, and to say "grey aro ace" is just easier than "aro-spec, grey-ace" and it feels more safe then "aroace" but I just... I just struggle with labels. I do want a label so bad, I want to say proudly "I am [...]" but I just... can't really, for some reason. I know "queer" describes every person in the LGBTQ+ community and "aroace" can describe me but both feels like a lie and very unsafe. Because if I say "I'm queer" people would think I'm wlw and tbh the thought people can possibly think I'm allo is kind of disgusting. And "aroace" feels like I'm lying because people would assume I'm strictly not attracted to anyone - and this doesn't feel right either.

I want to belong in a community. In the aro community specifically because together with the trans one, they're both the greatest LGBTQ+ communities. But every time I say I'm a-spec... It feels like I'm cheating because I want them to like me. I do know I'm not allo. I'm just not. But it feels like every queer person is so sure of their label, of their identity and that they feel perfectly in place in their community. While I'm... I'm not even truly questioning tbh. I know I'm aro spec. But I so desperately want a label. I would kill for it. I relate to every aro identity out there a little bit but not enough to use the label for myself. It feels so isolating sometimes and my anxiety doesn't help. I want to belong in a community. I just don't think I deserve it and this haunts me.

#books #discord #asexual #representation #aspec #aromantic #aroace #coming out #greysexual #arospec #invalidation #Anonymous

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sourwormsaresour · 3 years

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what are your thoughts on La Squadra's sexualities?

First off, Happy Pride Month! Please have a safe one. Before I start, I just want to let you guys know that I’m a straight cisgender woman so I’m not 100% knowledgeable on sexualities so these are based on my current knowledge of the community. I’m open to all head-canons about La Squadra’s sexualities besides my own :)

Sorbet and Gelato are gay, both using he/him pronouns, and are the most out compared to everyone in the team. Even though La Squadra knew about their relationships, the two themselves aren’t open about it outside of the team and their families. This is especially because relationships can be used against you in the crime world but also because their families rely on them to have a “good reputation” to live comfortably. I head-canon that they are both breadwinners of their families: Gelato has siblings that go to very conservative, academic institutions and rely on scholarships that look into family history for recommendations, and Sorbet’s mother requires medical attention from reputable doctors that also have homophobic biases that can be used against her. They’ve secretly used some of their money to help a street kid or two that they learned was disowned after being outed or assassinated a few people for hurting kids for being part of the LGBTQ+ community or even preying on them. The two men probably both went through phases where they thought they only liked women, tried to be in heterosexual relationships, and their enemies-to-lovers type of relationship had probably stemmed from their inability to properly process their attraction to each other at the time.

Formaggio is bisexual and prefers using he/him pronouns; he has a stronger attraction to women but is unaware that he’s attracted to men as well. A big part of why he’s so unaware or in denial of it came from his conservative upbringing in a working-class family and lack of representation growing up. Formaggio knew that men can be attracted to other men, but other aspects of the LGBTQ+ community is either unknown to him or seen in a negative perception; he’s learning more about the community and how to be a better ally, especially after meeting Sorbet and Gelato, but he’s still struggling to reverse the anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments he grew up believing. As a result of his past, Formaggio assumed that one can only be attracted to one gender and never crossed his mind that people can be attracted to more than one. He often tries to hide his attraction to men via “straight guy who’s unaware he’s gay occasionally spits homophobic jokes and says ‘no homo’ every time he says "I love you" to his friends but he means full homo” approach.

Illuso is pansexual and gender fluid, preferring he/him/they/them pronouns most of the time but also likes using neo-pronouns and occasionally prefers to use she/her pronouns. As a former intern for a fashion designer before he joined La Squadra, he’s relatively more exposed to meeting different people in the LGBTQ+ community through fashion; those who were higher in status and power would be more out about it than those in lower ranking and the community was a huge source for avant-garde, counter-culture influences. Despite getting more inspiration for his designs from his interactions and developing his identity in the LGBTQ+ space, that also led to him witnessing discrimination, abuse, and powerplay caused by the higher-ups; some became victims simply because of rumors that they may be part of the LGBTQ+ community or being forcibly outed, some are forced into relationships in exchange for opportunities and privileges, etc. He remains closeted and part of his arrogance stems from him hiding his sexuality due to the trauma of enduring the abuse and witnessing it as well. La Squadra doesn’t know his sexuality or know that he’s genderfluid, but they’re fine with adapting to his pronouns whenever they change.

Pesci is unaware that they’re gay and are non-binary that prefers they/them pronouns. Although they try to stick to he/him pronouns to avoid being out, they like using they/them more and get secretly happy when someone refers to them as such. I head-canon that they’re actually younger than Giorno when they encountered Team Bucciarati, which would explain why he never killed anyone up until this point (they’re a literal kid that’s slowly getting involved in the team when Sorbet and Gelato were killed, albeit they’re on the buffer side despite their age), and with their sheltered childhood and Prosciutto’s strict mentorship, they never got to sit down and think about their sexual and gender identity. They often try to pretend they’re a macho straight man alongside Formaggio but they end up feeling bad about it after trying to say a bad comment or joke to fit in. Pesci themselves feel like they’re alone in terms of the emotions of not being able to put your sexuality into words. It doesn’t help that they’re rather isolated compared to everyone except Risotto; they only knew La Squadra as their family ever since they joined the team and they never talk to anyone outside of the group.

Prosciutto is bisexual and genderfluid, preferring to identify with he/him pronouns, but he’s also the most closeted and probably has the most internalized homophobia as well. Growing up in the entertainment industry, especially in acting, means adhering to heteronormative standards; controversies of any kind would make or break a career and he constantly heard homophobic statements “disguised” as critiques around him from all levels of the entertainment industry. The fact that he was overworked up until his “career retirement” also didn’t give him the time to sit down and realize both his sexuality and how fucked up the film industry is in terms of its treatment towards the LGBTQ+ community. With his upbringing of being presentable and hiding his sexuality, he tries to present himself in the most Italian metrosexual straight machismo man he could and uses his “gentleman charms” towards women to avoid people from questioning further about his sexuality. But at the end of the day, he knows he’s lying to himself about his sexuality. And unfortunately, his anger at being unable to express that is often misdirected.

Melone is demi-sexual, though he presents himself as asexual and panromantic, and prefers using any pronouns. Like his teammates, he prefers using he/him for his safety. As a former scientist, he learned and got to know about the LGBTQ+ community through a more scientific perspective, but also knew there are hidden homophobic biases in the science community as well. Still, he does his best to be an ally for his peers before realizing he is demisexual and panromantic. His sexuality allows him to view the incubation and child-rearing aspect of his Stand without emotions or feelings involved and further explains how he views fornication and training his Juniors in a very scientific and analytical way without guilt taking over. Despite presenting himself as ace/straight (mostly for safety and because it’s easier to explain that he has no attraction to people than being a demisexual), I also see someone who yearns to have a strong emotional connection to someone and would give his all to the person he loves most. His overtly sexual nature is more of an act (I've heard that some aces tend to act overtly sexual, either to avoid being outed or as a result of growing up thinking that need to feel an attraction is necessary) and Melone secretly desires being attracted to someone he learns to trust, admire, and love over time. I have a backstory that plays into that but I might disclose it another time. ;)

Ghiaccio is on the same boat with Prosciutto in terms of having internalized homophobia due to his childhood career as a child athlete. At the time he was training to be an Olympic hopeful as a solo figure skater, Ghiaccio was born female and had to remain in the closet due to the conservative nature of the ice skating world and his step-father being notorious for his opinions favoring homophobia and sexism. Once he joined La Squadra, Ghiaccio began experimenting with himself and ultimately came out as transgender, presenting himself with he/him pronouns, and had been using testosterone ever since. Most members that joined after him only knew Ghiaccio as male while the other members are either indifferent about his gender or are involved in helping Ghiaccio transition to be male. Transitioning also helped him realized he was aromantic and gay, which provided him closure from the years of struggle he had trying to fit into the heteronormative expectations he thought he had to conform to when he was female. The effect of testosterone also explains his brash and short-tempered nature, although that stems more from him finally being able to express himself after years of repressing his emotions as a child.

Risotto is also aromantic and asexual, preferring he/him/they/them pronouns, although he doesn’t know that he is aro/ace, to begin with. Growing up, he never really cared when he heard his older relatives or adults making comments about how “he’d make a good husband” or “have the girls chase him”, because all he cared about was his family and friends. He just assumes that once he becomes a “big boy”, then he’ll have thoughts of wanting to get married like the fairytales say. Just let his future spouse have children with him in any way and he'll play the role of husband regardless. Since his cousin’s death, he gave up the idea of having any sexual or romantic interest in anyone. Why to go out of your way to find any relationship when they’ll be dead soon enough- that was Risotto’s logic. He’s not aware that he can define himself as aro/ace, he just assumes that the trauma he went through with his cousin’s death stops him from feeling any attraction and doesn’t make an effort to figure out why.

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robotslenderman · 3 years

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Someone on Reddit was asking why labels were important and I went into a whole goddamn essay because my Vyvanse is kicking in.

TLDR - Labels are important for communication. Without communication, we are isolated. Sexuality is so fundamental to our experiences as human beings that being able to describe those experiences succinctly can mean the difference between feeling isolated and feeling connected. Also sneering at ace people for microlabels dismisses the asexual experience as so unimportant that we SHOULDN'T be able to describe our exact experience of it, when discussing asexuality often requires these labels because of how varied and complicated the asexual experience is.

I've been waffling on the fence about microlabels but I've decided that no, microlabels aren't overthinking it, for the reasons I discuss below. In the past I've reblogged things saying that microlabels are about isolation instead of connection, that further dividing our sexuality into smaller and smaller boxes creates increasingly exclusive clubs.

I no longer believe that. I believe it does the opposite. I believe that being in touch with your sexuality just as much as you need to helps you connect to others even outside your microlabel, not just within it, because then it makes it clearer to everyone involved what experiences you have in common and makes it easier to set aside the ones you don't.

You don't understand how important labels are until you've struggled without one. It's human nature to use language to describe our experiences, and when we don't have the language to do so it is stressful and isolating. Because language is how we connect to other people, so when we can't use easy language to summarise our experiences, it becomes isolating.

My personal experience - I struggled with my asexuality for years, even before I began to realise that I was asexual. Even once I started letting myself admit it, I didn't feel that the word "asexual" was enough. Sure, I could explain to people "I'm asexual and don't want to have sex, but I love sex in theory and in novels and I love reading about romance and daydreaming about them, but don't want a relationship." That's a very specific type of asexuality that people don't think of when they hear "asexual". People hear "asexual" and think "doesn't like sex."

But people use labels because others don't want to stick around and listen to your dissertation on what your sexuality actually is, they want bite sized information as soon as possible and sometimes YOU want to describe who you are without spending a ton of time explaining it. It's not just because I want to understand myself, it's because I want other people to, too, and labels is how we communicate. It's the fundamentals of how language works. Labels are so important that they consist of two entire grammatical categories - adjectives and nouns.

So when I found out about aegosexuality? I was like "oh thank god, I'm not a broken asexual, I'm this specific TYPE of asexual."

Most people haven't heard of aegosexuality. I used to actually roll my eyes at microlabels like that, thinking it was needlessly self absorbed and pretentious. But now I get it. Now I have the ABILITY to summarise my experiences in one word, and it turns out that having that ability to use language efficiently to describe myself has brought me quite a significant amount of peace. Because when I tell people I'm asexual, they often have a certain idea in their heads of what asexuality is, and I don't fit under most of that. Many asexuals don't, because asexuality is the most complicated sexuality there is.

But god is it fucking exhausting to say "I'm asexual" and then have to hold a fucking Q and A session about how I'm asexual and yes, I really am asexual even though I'm not adhering to someone else's idea of what asexuality is. By knowing I'm aegosexual, I can say, "oh, you're thinking of X type of asexuality, which is when you experience Y. I'm aegosexual, which means that I still get horny and love sex in fiction, but I don't personally want to experience it, unlike X type of sexuality which doesn't like sex at ALL."

And then people get it! They don't get "I'm asexual, but different." That just makes them think I'm not actually asexual, or that I'm an allo in denial who needs therapy to be "fixed". They get "I'm asexual, but this specific type of asexuality that has a name." People respond to names. People respond to labels. They GET labels, even ones they haven't heard of, even ones they roll their eyes at because they think we're over thinking it because they assume that because their sexuality is so fucking simple, everyone else's must be too.

I still tell people I'm asexual because a lot of the time my type of asexuality isn't actually important. Actually, most of the time I tell them I'm queer and leave it vague because queer is a wonderful umbrella word and my sexuality isn't anyone's business. For me, "queer" is often enough because it communicates that my experience isn't a straight one, and that's usually all people need to know.

But having that label just on *hand* that describes my experiences, and having the option to use it to people who do know what it means, and being able to hand it to people who are lost like I used to be lost -

That's powerful. It's important. It *matters*.

It's not like needing a label for yourself because you prefer pineapple on pizza, this is sexuality, this is the kind of thing that makes or breaks your experiences with other human beings. When you're straight your sexuality is so simple and easy that you don't even need to think about it. You're straight. That's easy. And as homosexuality becomes more accepted I'm seeing baby gays start to take that attitude as well because they're gay and as homosexuality becomes less stigmatised, it's allowed to become more simple.

But other sexualities don't have that luxury.

Bisexuality and pansexuality are more complicated because often people experience a split attraction model, or they don't have equal attraction to different genders and they're not fully comfortable describing themselves as bi or pan because again, people hear "bisexual" or "pansexual" and assume that you experience the same amount of attraction to different genders and it's important to be able to communicate to people that no, you don't. The whole point of using a word is so that the other people understand you - if they don't understand the word, they don't understand YOU. So I think bisexuality and pansexuality is also a spectrum in that there's different types of both depending on how your attraction works, and that it would help bi and pan people to have more specific words - using bisexual and pansexual as an umbrella term much like queer and asexual - to allow them to better communicate their experiences.

And asexuality is, I think, the most complicated sexuality of all. It's based not just on who you're attracted to, like other sexualities, but if you're attracted at ALL. No other sexuality has a footnote attached of "but this one likes sex" or "this one doesn't like sex" or "this one is indifferent to sex". Even bisexuality and pansexuality don't. It also has the contradictory feature of involving some level of attraction - demisexuals and grey aces experience attraction! Just only under specific circumstances. The split attraction model is also much more significant; whereas some bisexual people are explicitly homo- or heteroromantic, many asexuals are not aromantic, and many aromantic people are not asexual. This is far more common with us.

It's also the ONLY sexuality where the split attraction communities are actively hostile to each other. Aromantic people have lately been slinging a lot of shit at asexual people because in their need to be told apart from us (I say "us" even though I'm aromantic myself because I'm also asexual), some have gone to the extreme of showing outright hostility to asexual people and show offence for being associated with us at all. When I thought that I was bi, for example, I NEVER saw this kind of shit between homoromantic bis, heteroromantic bis and biromantic bis. Only the asexual and aromantic community has this hostility.

I respect that aros don't want people to mistake them for asexual people and that's important for the same reasons I've been discussing in this entire essay, but here I'm referring to outright hostility aimed AT asexuals because of other people's failures to understand them. "Aromanticism isn't the same as asexuality" is not hostility. Treating asexual people like garbage - or even aroace people because they dare to exist as asexual AND aromantic - is hostility. This hostility is rising.

So asexuality is deeply complicated, and when you have completed concepts, you need simple labels to communicate that. And frankly - allos don't fucking get it. Bi and pan people do to a certain level, but their sexuality, while more complicated than being gay or straight, is still not as complicated as asexuality. That's not a bad thing, having a more complicated sexuality doesn't make us superior, nor is complication the same thing as depth. Other sexualities are not shallow for lacking the same level of complication, nor should they be taken less seriously.

But it does mean each sexuality has nuance to it that you can't understand without being that sexuality, and it's vital not to fall into the same trap straight people do that your experience of sexuality applies to everyone else, of assuming that because your sexuality isn't complicated to you that it must be the same for everyone else or we're overthinking it. And it's important for us to be able to succinctly sum up our sexuality so that we can share our experiences.

People who've never faced that don't understand how important it is to feel connected to people by being able to efficiently describe yourself. To use language is to connect, to use language and labels is to communicate. Without that, it's an isolating experience, simply because people do not fucking want to hear you bring out a PowerPoint presentation to talk about yourself when they just want one word. And when you're talking about something that defines your human experience, that makes your ability to communicate it THE difference between being isolated and disconnected, and feeling human.

Having different levels of labels helps, too. Sure, I'm aegosexual, but even if most people knew what that meant, most of the time it's completely fucking irrelevant. Most of the time all I need to do is say I'm queer - because I'm communicating that my experience isn't a straight one (or a cis one, if you're queer because of your gender). Sometimes I need to say I'm aroace, or just asexual, because that's what the conversation calls for. It's only when discussing asexuality itself that I actually need to say I'm aegosexual - but that's important, too.

Discussion of asexuality is no less important than being able to say I'm ace, or that I'm queer, and a lot of allos think that distinguishing yourself from straight people is important, that distinguishing yourself from non straight people is important, but asexuality itself is so unimportant that we're not allowed to distinguish ourselves among each other. And that's just another form of aphobia. It doesn't mean that we're going "ew, we're not THOSE asexuals" like I've been seeing in the arosexual community lately, it's being able to say "this is my experience of asexuality, so I'm viewing our discussion through THIS lens, whereas you might not."

And it's so fucking typical that allos think that that shouldn't be important to us. I regret ever thinking the same.

At the end of the day, we need language. It describes our experiences, and without being able to describe those experiences, we are isolated. We need language and labels to connect.

#Dusty has opinions #I need to stop talking on the internet when my Vyvanse kicks in #I just don't fucking stop

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friendlyneighbourhoodpapergay · 3 years

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Doesn’t saying pan people are attracted to people “regardless” of gender just imply that bisexuals factor in gender to their attraction when that’s just...not true? Being bisexual has always been about being genderblind. I still don’t see any difference.

I'm going to take this in good faith and assume you're a younger or newer member of the community, one who is unaware of the history of mspec attraction and of the causes of the conflicts between bi and pan people in the past.

I'd recommend you go through the tags on my last answer, as a few bisexual people replied and agreed with the definitions I provided, whilst also explaining that it is possible to be able to use both interchangeably.

As I said in my original answer, another reason for the distinction is that bisexuality means "attraction to more than one gender", not necessarily attraction to ALL genders. There are many ways to be bisexual, including (for example): attraction to women and fem-aligned people only, or attraction to men and masc-aligned people only, or attraction to anyone who is neither male nor female (but not to men or women), or any other combination of genders that includes more than one.

Pansexuality is a specific term meaning "all" and "regardless of". Bisexuality can also mean "all" and "regardless of", but it isn't the defining feature of bisexuality, which is simply "more than one".

Here is a good explanation, for example:

(link here)

There is also this resource defining the two:

(link here)

Bisexuality can be genderblind, or not. It can mean attraction to all, but it varies from person to person, and all bisexuality is valid even if personal definition varies. Pansexuality is always attraction to all, and usually taken to be genderblind. All bisexuals and pansexuals are valid in their attraction labels.

Have a shittily drawn but still accurate Venn Diagram:

Lastly, I know this answer is already long, but I want to say this:

Exclusion doesn't help anyone in the LGBT+ community. Homophobes are not more accepting of homosexual people if those homosexuals try to exclude bisexuals (which is MOST DEFINITELY AN ISSUE THAT THE BI COMMUNITY HAS/DOES DEAL WITH).

Biphobes will not be more accepting of bisexuals if bisexuals try to exclude pansexuals.

Queerphobes will not become more accepting of the LGB+ community if they try to exclude trans people (see the LGB-drop-the-T movement), or if they try to exclude ace-specs/aro-specs.

Transphobes will not become more accepting of trans people if nonbinary and/or nondysphoric trans people are excluded.

Exclusion actually HELPS our oppressors and the people who want us gone, because it drives our community apart and separates us from a VERY important support network, isolating us from our own subcultures and histories and thus making it far easier for queerphobes to take us down.

Divided we fall, United we stand, all that good stuff. The LGBT+ community fought and suffered and died and got up and fought again TOGETHER, SIDE BY SIDE to get to this point in history. We need to continue fighting TOGETHER, SIDE BY SIDE if we want to keep making progress and pushing for a safer world for future LGBT+ generations.

#anon #ask

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shades-of-grayro · 5 years

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Greyro [Platoni-/Idem-/Quoi- or Other?]

[This is a submission to the prompt where I asked for people’s experiences with their greyromantic identities.]

CW: Brief mention of suicidal ideation

Between a-spec discourse affecting tumblr communities and not fitting the “I’ve been romance-repulsed since age 5” stereotype of aromantic, I didn’t realize that I might be somewhere under the aro umbrella (aro-spec but not aromantic) until this year [2019, aged 25].

I’m not particularly fond of self-gaslighting past-me. I had that butterflies in the stomach feeling, talked about crushes with friends, was under the impression I felt romantic attraction, and wasn’t horribly bothered by romantic stuff (the heteronormativity was more noticeable). It’s easier to look back and see that I had crushes on X people because I was realizing I was queer, I didn’t do Y activity because I was trying to minimize gender dysphoria on a certain level, or that I may have had multiple simultaneous crushes because of the latent poly-flexibility.

I went through more than one life event that very much changed me, and I would go so far as to say that there’s a resulting ‘before’ and 'after’ me. Number one, I had a crush on a same-sex friend of several years - at the time, we were dealing with same-gender stuff - and our friendship ultimately didn’t survive. It might be a little too “woo” for some, but incorrect energy connections played a part in having a mismatched energy cord that led to everything feeling so strong, deep, and all-consuming on my end.

It felt an awful lot like descriptions of alloromantic love. It felt incredibly scary that I lost my sense of self for a bit. The same-gender aspect made it hard to talk about with anyone given the environment we were in, and it was embarrassing that my first depressive episode was kicked off from a mismanaged friendship/relationship rejection. It was incredibly annoying to have to deal with severing our energy cord after the friendship took about two years to slowly die (it was like a slow ghosting experience given that school required minimal interaction).

It still felt like I got crushes after that, though. I had had enough time to find a different environment concerning queer self-acceptance and peer acceptance (undergrad), and I was finally getting around to the ways I had 'shut myself down’ or avoided certain “normal” young adult milestones in order to avoid dysphoria. (Insert realizations around why I never felt “ready” to date, was too nervous to hookup with strangers, and other awkward matters.) I also poked around at polyamory and kink related stuff throughout the years (sometimes purely for research purposes, and other times because it seemed relevant).

Big life event number two involved holy shit levels of depression and suicidal ideation. (The pressures of undergrad didn’t exactly play nicely with my brain issues.) On a certain level, there truly is the person I was before I got to that point, and then there’s the me that survived. And the me that survived did not do so because of any romantic partner “saving/fixing” me, regardless of what some tropes would like to show. A series of small, platonic actions from several friends really did help at my most critical time (and then, after a certain 2016 event, I vowed that I’d outlive a certain person in the White House out of spite).

Pulling this all together:

I’m pretty sure I used to experience romantic attraction (or something very close).

I personally don’t think I 'loved platonically’ when it came to having crushes every time it happened, even if they were on friends.

I think the life events I went through - most strongly noticed after surviving suicidal shit - were the equivalent of the body prioritizing heating the core instead of the extremities in extreme cold. The vital to living parts of me made it through.

To use an analogy, the circuits for romantic attraction are still there, but I think they’re burned out or only partially working.

I feel as if I’ve lost the ability to differentiate between platonic and romantic.

I’m not bothered by doing activities that a partner interprets as romantic and/or an outsider would read as romantic as long as the partner and I have negotiated what romantic means to them and my/our limits. (Keeping in mind that polyam and kink shenanigans means that “romantic” can look, well, different.)

I can’t guarantee that the circuits for romantic attraction are completely damaged and will never, ever work again. I suspect they may not work at “full power” and/or may not work under “normal” expected conditions (cishet, all attraction combined together at one person, mono-amorous, sexually monogamous, preferably vanilla).

It truly is important to managing my mental illness(es) that I not completely socially isolate myself, which means I am willing to place a higher priority on friendship maintenance so I have a support network. I’m not entirely sure I can live alone long-term, especially if I go through another depressive low that gets Code Red.

In relation to the tumblr aro community:

Due to the individual differences in what someone considers romantic compared to another, it feels like I don’t have the proper translator to interact with some content. (I’m still not sure how to explain that polyam and kink resulting in “non-normative” displays of affection and relationship styles makes it hard to tell if I just have a Weird form of love and showing affection.)

Yeah, I know “it’s just a meme”, but sometimes aromantic shorthand makes every interaction Only Romantic. (Sighs at xyz component of having a roommate being painted as romantic again because, apparently, only the alloroms cohabitate. Only the alloroms eat lunch in public. We have yet to wrangle the myriad forms of platonic interaction and/or intimacy from the dreaded alloroms. </sarcasm>)

But really. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not fluent in the language of what romantic even looks like because the utterly disgusting thing that a romance-repulsed person wants to avoid is, like, the trust exercise I did with a friend as part of a class or something. (Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling platoniromantic, idemromantic, or even quoiromantic, but it’s hard to pinpoint any further than greyro or aro-spec.)

Quite frankly, sometimes, the hard split into 'choose aroace or alloaro’ doesn’t always maintain the impression that you can choose to keep your sexuality to yourself, choose to prioritize your aromanticism in this particular conversation, have a complicated relationship to the allo/ace question in the first place, or have some other reason for not wanting to sort yourself into aroace or alloaro.

tl;dr: The aro spectrum is useful even if I don’t always fit into aromantic/aro discussions. I’d appreciate not being viewed as “basically alloromantic” or Alloro Lite.

#aro community #grayromantic #grayro #greyromantic #greyro #submission #long post #suicide cw

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sandyferal · 5 years

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Vieratom and Monty Darklight. The main characters of a story I’ve been working on for many many years.

I know I’ve posted character stuff for Vieratom before, but I just keep working on this and I like to keep it together.

HUGE DUMP of story, character, and world building info beneath.

Vieratom is the first-born Princess of a world with absolutely no natural sunlight. The average life span is a few hundred human years. Each of their years is two human years. So what they’d call fifty years, we’d call one hundred. Many of the animals in this dimension are light sources, and most residential areas are lit up like crazy with artificial light. The crops don’t need sunlight. Even so, there are still seasons because somewhere in this dimension there is a place with sunlight and weather etc. that is tied to their world, but no one can reach it. People use magic, drawing from a underlying well of dark and light energy that exists throughout their dimension. The dark is by far more powerful, but is rarely used as much as the light. The dark energy is easier to access the less life you have in you.

Despite being the first-born Vieratom’s right to the throne is in question. Mostly due to the fact that she was perfectly healthy in the womb, yet was born dead, and came back to life an hour later. Ever since, she and the magic she holds have grown in an incredibly rapid and unhealthy way.

While her survival was at first seen as a miracle, two (four of our years) years later she was upstaged by the perfectly healthy and normal birth of her sister Monty. From the moment she was born, Monty was far more beloved by the kingdom. It was very likely that she would end up ruling the kingdom instead.

In this world, when one reaches adulthood, their parents give them gemstones to symbolize that they’re their own person. On her twentieth birthday (fortieth in terms of human years), Vieratom still failed to recieve anything from her parents. When her grandfather died shortly after, she stole his gemstones (he had his dead wife’s too) and kept one for herself.

This gemstone gave her the power to make anyone (who is attracted to women) attracted to her, to the point where they were basically mind controlled. It changed her body, making her less gaunt and giving her more curves. She uses this power to travel to another dimension and try to take it over.

The other gemstone she left to Monty, not knowing what it did. It gave Monty the power to make anyone (romantically interested in women) fall in love with her. She doesn’t use it much, as she doesn’t want or need to make people fall in love with her.

Basil is Monty’s childhood best friend. A gardener who helps grow food for the palace, and tends to the royal garden. Vieratom has had a crush on him since she was little. He knows this and has had to turn her down.

Violet is Basil’s girlfriend. She’s not royalty but she’s still pretty wealthy, and is very judgy. She and Vieratom get in fights a lot, but she’s not great at actually hurting her feelings, and at the end of the day will be able to sympathize with most people including Vieratom. Mad that she has weak magic (and practically no tits). Dates Basil mostly because he’s one of the only people who can stand her somewhat bitchy attitude. Not specifically because she’s sure she loves him.

Monty will eventually marry Basil, but despite this it’s unclear whether or not she has romantic feelings for him. They never date or court each other, their marriage is known to be an open relationship, and they have never said openly that they love each other. They have a child and they’re still both happy in their (possibly platonic) marriage. Monty is possibly aro, but could be pan, no one knows (harder to tell bc she’s definitely not ace).

Tentacles are something that all people in this world have. It’s how they channel their magic. They all start as black and plain at birth, but develop and change as each person grows. How many tentacles you can grow and how much slime they produce are indicators of magical strength.

Ten is the maximum amount the most powerful beings can grow. The average is 3-4 for women, 2 or 8 for men (who usually either have weak magic or overly powerful magic) and 5 for royalty.

When Vieratom died right after she was born, her tentacles lost the ability to change. They’re stagnant, still black, and the slime that they are covered in is an unhealthy yellowish-brown. They have the color and texture of tapioca pearls, yet are a bit firmer. Despite their inability to properly change however, they became unusually powerful as she grew older. She can sprout seven in total, and usually has one or two out at all times. They are each at least twice as powerful as one of her arms, and more powerful than her legs, as she often uses them to walk. She can also use them to open up dimensional portals (or more accurate, rip the fabric of her universe where it’s already been weakened).

Monty’s are pink. They have developed the ability to spray a strangely appealing fragrance. While most of her tentacles are covered in a healthy clear slime, tips are not slimy, but very sticky. This allows her to grab and attach her tentacles to objects and surfaces. Underneath the slime, they feel like Satin. She can grow five of them, an average amount for royalty. She has never tried to use them to walk on the ground, but she’s just strong enough to be able to use the to cling to the ceiling. She will sprout one or two for a few minutes or hours on a daily basis then retract them.

Violet’s are, well, violet. They are not slimy. They are just slightly damp like grass covered in dew. They feel like velvet, except for the tips, which look and feel like violets. They are filled with water, which can be sprayed out like a hose. The violet on the end changes with the seasons just like a real violet, though it never dies, and doesn’t require sunlight (like most plants in this world). The pollen acts a bit like real sperm, releasing during a climax, and contains eggs. She can grow two in total, a below-average amount, which she is self conscious about. They are a little weaker than her arms. They are almost never out.

Basil’s are grass green. The tips are yellow in summer, orange and red in fall, white in winter, and pink in spring. It feels both somewhat like a vine, and somewhat like a frog’s skin. It’s slightly slimy (like a frog), more so in fall and spring, less so in summer and winter. They can photosynthesis using any light source, not just the sun, and this will make it so they use less of his body’s energy, and even provide him some extra nutrients. He can grow two in total, and they are usually both out and active. They are always a bit stronger than his arms, but are weaker during summer and winter.

Tess lives in a different dimension than Vieratom. In Tess’s dimension, people live on isolated islands that don’t interact much. There’s not a lot of wars and countries, mostly states made up of small villages with many friendly rivalries. It’s always fall or spring, which means trees go from colorful leaves to blooming flowers. Pumpkins are the most popular crop and pumpkin spice is the most popular flavor. The days are longer and the nights shorter, and all people have either freckles or light to moderately brown skin from being in the sun so much (in fact those are the only two “races”). Many of the residents have physical traits similar to both dwarves and elves. This means that when it comes to things like body hair, size, and demeanor, they are often on either end of the spectrum, as opposed to being in the middle, despite the fact that they are all of the same species. They also have a lifespan lasting multiple centuries. However, time moves differently between their dimension and Vieratom’s.

Tess is genderfluid, and only a few years younger than Vieratom. He meets her when she comes to his dimension to take it over. He falls under the spell of her Gemstone instantly, and is brainwashed along with a good 60% of the population. Yet, even without the influence of the Gemstone, Tess adores Vieratom. He’s self aware enough to know that it’s not a good thing considering how violent she is, but he’s still hopelessly in love with her and will follow her to the ends of the Earth, or through different dimensions.

#original work #Character Design #redesign #I know no one cares but I

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swamp-world · 5 years

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ok so like

I just need to talk about this

I don’t know what I’m getting at here but

femme ladies, right? femme wlw. i absolutely love. i adore. very deeply. but lately i’ve seen/heard a lot of them talking about how they’ve felt unaccepted in queer places, because the majority of people are a lot more gender nonconforming, very androgynous or butch or very indie-hipster compared to a more traditional feminine look, I guess. And so on one hand, I don’t really know how to make it a more welcoming place for them. I’ve never experienced this problem myself because I’m decidedly not very feminine at all. And so I don’t know if this is a matter of a lot of femmes feeling like they’re inherently other by nature, just by looking at how they stand out and that being what makes it difficult for some of them to join queer groups, or if it’s something that the community itself is radiating comparatively. I really don’t know, and I definitely want to make it easier for femmes to feel comfortable in queer spaces!!

but I guess the big reason I want to talk about this is because like...this leads to a lot of isolation from the queer community. I don’t know if this is a larger thing and I don’t want to say that it applies to all femmes or only to femme wlw by any means.

but like. ok. i’m bisexual-aromantic. or somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum. i don’t really know where, but it’s a thing, yeah? that’s what i’m calling myself rn for simplicity’s sake, and because tbh it’s nice to have a label.

but anyways there was this femme who had a massive crush on me, like, two months worth of pining before talking to me. cool. i told her i’m not really here for a relationship, that I don’t mean to offend or hurt her but that it’s just not going to happen. the problem is that as we went on talking, and i started to explain that i was on the aro/ace spectrum to her, she was very confused. never heard of aro or ace before. ok, cool, that’s no problem, i’m more than happy to explain to someone what my identity means. except this led to the inevitable: “so you’re like...cold-hearted?” and the iconic line when she was drunk, “is there any way to fix your fucked up head so you can love?” Ouch.

And then later, next time she got drunk at a party, she showed up knocking at my door. i was in the back room, hiding (yes from her lol she’d phoned me five times in the course of the night and listen I was not really getting along with her at that point, we’re not really talking now). my roommate had had some friends over, and while most of them went out to the party, one of them stayed behind, in the room just off the hall. when she knocked on our door (leading first to her room and then to mine) this friend (man) opened, answered, and said that no, I wasn’t here, because he didn’t realize that i was. good lmao it saved my ass. (still owe him a drink for that one.) but then she phoned me yet again and left a voicemail saying that a guy answered my door and “are you turning straight on me?”

and like. god. ok. it’s not like it’s that bad of a statement. certainly better than my old boss telling me to my face that “bi people are just horny and need to pick a side.” but at the same time....it says so much about her attitude towards bisexuality, and also with the other comments towards ace/aromanticism as a whole.

most people that i know here are queer. most of them are involved with the queer community to some degree or another. and tbh, i can’t help but wonder if part of this is because this woman has been so much more isolated from the rest of the queer community that she doesn’t understand why these things can be hurtful?

i don’t know anymore man i’m just tired

#aphobia #biphobia #relationships #lgbtq #queer #i'm tired and just want to be done with all of this #she's sweet but not necessarily nice #and #it's a lot to deal with #it’s not the comments like this that are the reason I don’t talk to her anymore there’s a lot more going on there

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aroworlds · 6 years

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As an Aro ace person I'm starting to really hate the ace community . I hate that Ace is umbrella, I hate that I have to use two words to explain I'll never be attracted to anyone ever and hence will spend my life alone . I feel the community is to obsessed with proving they still love that they need to pretend aro aces don't exist . And it leaves my soul hurting . I'm at the brink of suicide these days and it sucks because I don't know where I belong anymore and I'm feeling inhuman daily x.x

Anon, it breaks my heart that you’ve felt the need to send this in. It breaks my heart, because nobody should feel this way. Nobody should feel so isolated from and discouraged by their own community. This conversation shouldn’t be happening, anon, and that’s not on you–it never was and never will be. It’s on a situation, a shape of the community, and I think it says something profound that a few posts are generating other conversations and frustrations right now–I’ve seen it on this blog and on several others. I’ve seen it on several blogs just today!

I have a sense of a cork that’s been popped off the bottle, a hurt and a pain we’ve been holding in for too long coming out.

And I think that’s a good thing, because it’s time, past time, we had real conversations about the impact. That it isn’t a few aro-specs grinding their teeth and writing ranty posts about aro erasure. That this erasure and dismissal, this long-running amatonormativity and centering of romantic love (how many times have I seen alloromantic aces describe asexuality as “love without sexual attraction”?) has the potential to cause real wounds, real suffering, real isolation, real disconnect from a community that should provide support, real damage. Amatonormativity isn’t just fielding off questions from relatives about when we’re going to get married. Amatonormativity tells us that we are not the kind of humans society considers worthwhile, and you can’t live in this world without that weighing down on you.

None of us, not one of us, are strong enough not to be damaged by that: no human is or can be. It isn’t a failure in us. It’s a failure in everyone else. Some of us are better at hiding it, and some of us channel that pain into ranty posts or spite-motivated creativity, but we are all hurt by it.

Too many alloromantics brush off amatonormativity and the centring of alloromantic attraction as nothing, but it isn’t, and right now we deal with the pain of having our pain dismissed as nothing, even in spaces that are, ostensibly, meant to include us. It hurts worse from alloromantic aces because it feels like they should be better able to understand; ace-spec spaces feel like they should be more welcoming than they are. And I think it’s okay to feel hurt and even betrayed by that. We endure hate from outside together, all a-specs; we have every right to expect support, instead of erasure, inside.

Anon, as someone who deals with suicidal ideation myself, I do not miss the immense bravery it took from you to write about your pain and the way it makes you feel. But I want to thank you, too, for having the courage to be honest and real, to stand up as an example, to shine a real light on where erasure leads us.

I don’t have simple solutions to problems like the pressure of using ace as an umbrella term. (I’ve seen plenty of aro-aces talk about how they’d prefer to ID as aro alone but cannot because it isn’t accepted, and their loathing of ace as an umbrella term. If you feel this, I’d truly appreciate it if you could comment on this post as solidarity for our anon, because I know they’re not alone.) I also know that there are no simple solutions to mental illness and suicidal ideation, and they do not make amatonormativity easier to bear. I do think, though, that pride is the one real weapon we can bring to bear against a socialized worthlessness–pride and community.

As much as I don’t need an excuse to promote the aro-spec artist profiles, anon, I’d like you to go check them out. Read what other talented aros–including several aro-aces–are writing about being aro and creative. Go click on the links to their work–an awful lot of them have works available for free. There’s art and there’s stories, stories about aro-spec experiences, stories about resisting amatonormativity, stories about aro-spec and aro-ace feelings. Stories that normalise. We’re just getting started on building this canon, but it’s already a defiant cry that we are normal, we are wonderful, we are human, and it’s only going to get better.

(Likewise, check out all the fiction pieces submitted and reblogged here. Or the poetry. Or the artwork and visual pieces!)

Anyone who’s following this blog knows I write, that I tell stories. I do it because the world tells me that I don’t get to be the hero, that I am not deserving of being the hero, so I’ll break my hands on my words screaming fuck that. Even better, there’s a whole bunch of other aro-spec and aro-ace storytellers here who are doing the same. But I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learnt: it is easier, so much easier, to survive anything when there’s other people beside you. Stories are that person beside you. Stories are other aro-specs’ hopes and dreams.

I wouldn’t be alive today if not for the hope in the storytelling of others. It’s not enough by any means, but I hope it is the beginning of a feeling that the world, when it comes to aro-specs, is a thousand kinds of wrong and we do not have to listen to what it teaches us. If we can feel that, this kernel of understanding that amatonormativity is not only damaging but nonsensical against a world of wonderful and amazing and loved aro-spec people, it’s a little bit easier to survive it.

Anon, I know the aro-spec community alone isn’t enough for you, and it absolutely should not have to be, but I hope we here, at least, can work on making this space more supportive and welcoming of you. I want you here and I want you to belong here. If you are aro-spec in any way, this community is for you, and if we are not doing a good enough job of being welcoming to our own, come in and tell me, tell us. Because a community that isn’t devoted to celebrating and sheltering all our own, however different your experiences as an aro-spec may be from mine, isn’t one I wish to be part of.

Thank you so much, anon, for trusting me with your story.

(If folks are looking at starting spaces specifically for the support of aro-aces who feel alienated by the ace-spec community, please let me know and I’ll signal boost here. I may not be around a lot over the next week because I have a personal situation with my family that is unexpectedly on the precipice of being very awful, but I’ll get to it as soon as I can.)

#anon #ask #text #not media #discussion post #aro erasure #aroace #acespec community frustrations #suicidal ideation mention #mental illness #broader aspec discussions #aspec community #personal #mod chatter #arospec community #long post #very long post #extremely long post #aromanticism and asexuality

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