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youremeimyou · 4 years

Text

Old Lovers

pairing: Min Yoongi x reader genre: angst with sprinkles of fluff, ex-boyfriend au word count: almost 5k warning: some passionate kissing

Description: Min Yoongi is your ex-boyfriend that you’ve parted ways not on the greatest of terms with. But in the makings of a mixtape, somethings will be rekindled. Will it be friendship or maybe more?

A/N: I’ve started writing this so long ago but only recently got to finish it. I haven’t been able to post any fics in a while even though I’ve got a lot of wip. I’m graduating uni and my life’s basically a chaos right now. But I liked writing this a lot. I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think of it :) [posting again cuz it’s not showing on tags ughh]

Going back to school has never been this painful to you before. Of course assingments, exams and longer than necessary lectures were always there to welcome you back to hell every year but no new semester intimidated you quite like this one does. Especially after the very much disconnected summer break you had.

Spending the summer in your hometown of Gwangju was a rushed decision that was actually forced upon you at the time. But it turned out to be exactly what you needed. At least, Hoseok made sure that it was. Being your life-long friend, he took matters into his own hands when you couldn't pull yourself together after the rough patch you've been through. The Hoseok-ie rule he called it: No getting in touch with anyone in Seoul. And while it was a little hard not reaching out to close friends in Seoul, you couldn't risk breaking the Hoseok-ie rule. He's sweet and you love him but that guy is one scary motherfucker when he's pissed.

Now, summertime's over and you're definetely not prepared to face your demons. It doesn't help that Hoseok's classes aren't starting until next week, either. That means you have to go through this alone.

On your way from the subway station to the campus, you check the new weekly schedule once more and it makes you let out a dissappointed huff. You can't blame anyone. You made this schedule. But do you have any idea why you decided to put music theory at 9 in the morning while you were making it? No.

Your legs take action before you know it and suddenly you're now turning to the other street. They continue to take you through another familiar path. As you close in on the shop at the corner, the calming smell of coffee reaches your nose and you realise why coming here was more tempting than attending class.

This coffee shop was your safe haven for the past three years and this semester isn't going to be any different. Even though it's so close to campus, not many people know about it and it's never hectic. Which is something you love and right now, definetely need. Some peace and quiet before starting the semester...

You enter and head straight to the barista, who happens to be a friend of yours since you're a regular.

"Hey Ryu."

"Well well, if it isn't Miss I'll come everyday this summer that never showed up once." Ryu has sarcasm alongside with mischief in his voice.

"I know but Hoseok kept me in Gwangju as a prisoner the whole summer, I'm sorry."

"Where's that dancing machine?"

"He doesn't have classes until next week so it's just me for now." You're still not over the fact he left you on your own for the first week.

"It's fine, you're not alone. Look!" Ryu points to the back where the tables are. You're confused as to who he could be pointing at. You and Hoseok are the only ones you know that come here- except...

In a flash, you stop turning around and hurriedly order a black coffee. "Please make it quick." you plead quietly but what's done is done, he already knows you're here. In fact you can hear footsteps approaching.

"That drink was great, dude. What's it called again?" He appears on your right side in his all-black outfit with a snapback. Nothing's changed about him, you think. Except you see some of his hair through the hat and it seems to be bleached. Something he hasn't done for a while. For the two years you two were together, to be exact.

"Oh, it's called yuanyang. You think I should put it on the menu?"

"Definetely, go for it."

It seems like he doesn't even acknowlegde the fact that you're right next to him. But why the hell did he even come here? You totally introduced him to this place and Ryu. So, you should get to keep this place after the break-up. Aren't those the rules?

He takes out his wallet to pay but pauses for a second. "Ryu, can I get two cookies to go?" he asks and hands over his card.

Two cookies? You know he doesn't like sugaries that much. You're almost sure he's meeting someone and it makes you scoff, unconsciously. Both him and Ryu side-eye you but you avert your gaze. "Chocolate ones, please." he adds. You think he must be ordering your favorites just to spite you.

He recieves the cookies from Ryu, fistbumps the guy and starts walking out. But then, just as he passes by you, he leaves one of the cookies on the counter in front of you and exits without another word.

First, you're shocked. And so is Ryu, apparently. You glance at him and he confusedly shrugs. Then, you're pissed. In a moment of anger, you blast out of there to go after him.

"Hey, Min Yoongi!" you shout.

He stops but doesn't turn around for a while. Just when he's about to, you appear right in front of him, the cookie in your hand.

"What's this?"

"What does it look like to you?" he retorts back, his eyes avoiding yours. And you frustratedly huff.

"What are you trying to pull?" you ask with hints of accusation in your voice. That's when he meets your gaze.

"Nothing at all. My fault for trying to be nice."

There it is, the Min Yoongi venom you were waiting for. He opens his mouth to say something else but you beat him to it.

"Ryu doesn't seem to know that we-" you pause. And immediately regret pausing. Why couldn't you just say it?

"Oh, right. You must be thinking that life stopped while you were away." And only as he says this that you notice the dark circles under his eyes. "He knows. So do a lot of other people, by the way."

Well, shit. You might've been away from all the post-breakup commotion but he was here. He was dealing with everyone of your social circle, alone. And what's the first thing you do when you see him for the first time after all that? Lashing out at him. And when he was just trying to be nice, too. Great...

"Can you move? I'm missing class." he says coldly. But despite trying to hide it, his voice sounds tired. Which makes you step out of his way and let him go. Instead, you start making your own way to class, being already late as it is.

Safe to say it's an awkward walk to campus, with you on one side of the street and Yoongi on the other. The bad news is, you constantly find yourself looking his way. Even though you curse under your breath everytime you catch yourself staring at him, you can't help but look again. But his eyes are completely fixed on the road, not even sparing you one glance.

To escape the awkwardness, you decide taking the longer route to class by heading for the stairs at the back while he takes the ones near the entrance. Since you're late and afraid of Professor Sol, you fasten your pace. Once you reach the door, your hand clashes into someone else's. Yoongi's. Of course, you think to yourself. You should've known he's taking music theory from Professor Sol. He's the best student when it comes to music and the best teacher here definetely wants him on his class.

It's too late when you realise you haven't removed your hand because he opens the door with yours under his, making it feel as though you're holding hands.

"So you finally decided to grace us with your presence? You shouldn't have. The class is about to end." Professor Sol scolds the two of you. She isn't exactly wrong. "I can pardon a student who already excells but the one who barely passes classes, I hope you know what you're doing Miss Y/N." One thing about her is that she notoriously discriminates between students and she's never liked you.

Yoongi's hand and yours is still connected and you feel him tense up. He actually used to be your guardian when it came to Professor Sol. And apparently old habits die hard because he grabs your hand harder and steps up a little. "The last I checked, at least eighty percent of your class fails every year, professor. It includes people who rank highest in some of the other classes. Strange, don't you think?"

Only Min Yoongi has the guts to do this. And only he gets a free pass after doing it. When the professor simply points you in the direction of the seats, Yoongi pulls you by the hand he’s still holding and sits you down. There’s immediately talk going around, people discussing if you were back together and all that. That’s when he snaps out of it and lets your hand go. So you’re finally able to let out the breath you were unknowingly holding. Then, he goes to one of the back seats and sits down himself. And you quietly wonder why that hurts you.

It's Hoseok's first day back and the two of you are enjoying some coffee at Ryu's shop, after a long school day.

"Y/N, I've got some bad news." he says, looking gloomy all of a sudden.

"Wha- hurry up and tell me." You hate the suspense, it makes you worry.

"I haven't been able to find a studio that we can continue the album with." He looks really upset. That's only natural, he's been working on this project for over a year now. Before you broke up with Yoongi, Hoseok was writing and producing a mixtape in Yoongi's studio with you and Yoongi's help. After you parted ways, the mixtape was put on hold.

"I've saved a lot of money this summer. We can look into some expensive ones too, I'm sure we can-"

"It's not the money, Y/N. I can't work on it the way I want to in any of those other studios. Even if it's one of the expensive ones." he cuts in. Yes, Yoongi was probably the only person to let Hoseok do his own thing.

"Well then, you should talk to Yoongi. I'm sure he'll be cool with working with you, still. As long as I don't show up, it should be fine."

He rolls his eyes. "I can't do it without you, Y/N. I'll need your help, so you'll have to show up eventually."

It's your turn to roll your eyes. You don't want anything to do with that studio. But you know how important this mixtape is to Hoseok, so you say okay. Even though you doubt Yoongi would be fine with you being there.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. In his damned, cursed, beautiful leather jacket... This time there's no hat so you can fully observe his bleached hair and notice how it's grown longer.

"Would you really be okay with it? I don't wanna put you in this position, no. Let's just forget it-"

"Hoseok-ie, you're lovely. But for now, shut up." You get up and make your way to Yoongi's table. Hoseok's mixtape has to be done, no matter what. Seems like he hasn't noticed you so you clear your throat to grab his attention.

"What?" he asks, not looking at you. Your blood slowly starts to boil.

"I need to ask you something-"

"Ryu, I kinda need that coffee asap, buddy!" He cuts you off by hollering at the barista and starts to gather his things. He really must want to get on your nerves.

"Actually, first things first, why in the bloody hell are you still coming here?" You can't help but lash out again. You discovered this place after all, you have the right to claim it.

"Excuse me?"

"I showed you this place, it's my territory. Don't you know the break-up rules?"

He laughs at that. In such a condescending way that you regret saying it. He stops getting ready and settles on the table once again. "You're cute."

Oh, you're so close to smacking him on the head.

"And you're an asshole."

Ryu comes with Yoongi's order and leaves it on the table. "I thought you were in a hurry." He says while heading back to the counter.

"I suddenly wanna stay longer." Yoongi states, looking straight at you.

Every fiber of your being wants to avoid his eyes and run away from there, he knows exactly how to make you vulnerable. But you endure. For Hoseok.

"I'll get to the point. Hoseok needs to keep working with you. Our situation shouldn't effect his mixtape, don't you think?"

He switches to serious mode quickly. "Was this your idea or his?"

"What does it matter-"

"I'm only okay with it if he wants to do it on his own will and not by you forcing him."

Okay, you do get a little bossy sometimes but he didn't have to put it as harsh as that.

"He wants to. He refused other studios and all that."

You think you see his lips curve into a small smile for a second. Hoseok and Yoongi got along very well, actually. You never wanted for them to stop being friends, anyway. This might be a chance for them to catch up even. Of course, there's a slight problem.

"But- he says he can't do it without... well, me. He wants to make sure that you're okay with-"

"Not a problem." Yoongi unexpectantly cuts you off. You're rendered speechless due to shock. He finally turns his head and looks at you. "My studio is a workplace, Y/N. Why would it bother me when you're there for work purposes? Especially when you're essential to the process."

Yoongi's sense of kindness is a very strong thing. But it's well hidden under all the coldness and sarcasm. You'd know, it had taken you a while to get to it. But when you did, it made you fall for him even harder at the time. And now, even though things between you are over, you can still see it.

"Thanks..." is all you can say while turning around to go back but suddenly your feet stop and turn back around. "Actually, thanks for before with Professor Sol, too. Even though you don't need to stand up for me anymore-"

"It's not that I needed to, Y/N. It's that I wanted to."

He goes back to gathering his stuff and you head back to give Hoseok the details of how it went. Just as you're about to, Yoongi stops by your table before leaving.

"Hoseok-ie, text me later to come up with a schedule for studio hours, okay?"

Hoseok is visibly happy and responds with a big smile. "Sure thing."

It's been three weeks since Hoseok started to work at Yoongi's studio again. But today is the first time that you'll be going there since the break-up. Even though time has passed, you're still not used to being around Yoongi all the time. Like having to attend almost all the classes with him and also, well... without him.

Without him sitting next to you, practically glued to your side, while you both silently giggle in the middle of the lecture as he whispers stupid jokes in your ear. The fact that you're consantly around him (not by choice by the way) prevents you from getting over him.

And now the studio... One of the most dangerous places for you now because of the memories you have with him there. You know, an intimate, indoor space with dim lights... A perfect spot for activities you definitely don't want to be reminded of. But for your best friend Hoseok, you have to go.

When you arrive, you call Hoseok to open up the door, too nervous to ring the doorbell. Once you enter, your giggly friend drags you hurriedly into the recording room.

"Okay warm your voice up. We should start with the vocals-"

"Wow there, pickle." you say. Vocals were maybe the only thing you told him you wouldn't do. What did he think? That he could hurry you into it and you wouldn't notice? "What vocals, Hoseok? I'm here to arrange, mix and maybe write some melodies, you know that."

"Shhh... look you gotta. Otherwise Yoongi's gonna have some other girl do it and I don't want that."

What girl? For as long as you can remember, Yoongi has tried to get you to sing. For Hoseok's and other albums. But you don't have confidence in your voice so you've always refused. And now he just wants some other girl?

"Have you told him you don't want that?"

"Yes, obviously. He told me if I can't convince you, we had no other choice. So c'mon, just try for me? Pleaseee?"

You sneakily glance out the window to see Yoongi talking with the said girl. She’s probably from your school even though you haven’t seen her here before. She’s standing a bit too close to Yoongi’s chair and leaning on him a little but that’s none of your business. And you definetely don’t care. But still, you can’t have someone whom Hoseok’s not comfortable with, sing in his own damn album.

You go out the room and toward Yoongi and the girl. “We need to speak.” you say and head for the other room. Yoongi huffs while following after you.

“What is it miss grumpy?”

You roll your eyes. “Are you really pulling an ultimatom on me like this? Hoseok clearly isn’t okay with this girl-”

“Hoseok isn’t okay with anyone but you. This isn’t my ultimatom, it’s his. Marley’s like the third person I asked to do this and he didn’t like any of them. Because what he wants is your voice. You really can’t see that Y/N?”

He sounds fed up and exhausted. What he says makes sense too, since you know how stubborn and sneaky your best friend can be.

He continues. “Look, if we want the album to proceed there are three options. First is Marley does the vocals and Hoseok will be unhappy about it. Second is there’ll be no female vocals which will make the whole thing empty and far from what we planned. Or third, you can do them and save us all the grimace.”

He makes it seem like he doesn’t care which you’ll go with but in his eyes, you can see hope that you’ll say yes to the third. But no. You’re not ready, you can’t. In your mind, you suck. So you convince Hoseok to go with Marley for now.

So, days go by. Marley comes pretty often to record. Hoseok’s not frowning that much about it anymore. And you notice how every chance she gets, Marley is pulling the moves on Yoongi. Which seem to work, since sometimes they come in or leave together. None of it bothers you at all, you tell yourself.

One day, you come in pretty late at night remembering you left your notes there. Since you have a spare key, you think you can be in and out unnoticed. Silly you because once you hear Yoongi playing the piano, you can’t just leave. You wait outside the room until he’s done and some stupid momentary courage makes you go in.

“Oh- I’m sorry.” you instantly say when you see Marley sitting next to him. “I just forgot my- I was leaving-”

“Wait!” Yoongi says hurridly to stop you. “We were done here anyway.”

Marley doesn’t look happy but gets up and leaves.

“No really, I got my notes and I was about to head out. She doesn’t need to leave on my account-”

“It’s not on your account. But since you came in here, you must have something to say?”

Why does it feel like he wants you to say something? Why does it seem like he wants you to stay? You’re convinced it’s your own mind playing tricks on you.

“No. I don’t.” you lie with a broken voice. But your feet aren’t leaving. And Yoongi is still staring at you with a cold attitude but expecting eyes.

“Fine.” you give up and say. “I thought the piano room wasn’t allowed to just anyone. I guess since she was in here...” you cut yourself off. The piano room was kind of your special place when you were together. Nobody other than you was allowed in here. This is the place you two would spend hours and hours coming up with songs. Or just talking about things you shared only with each other.

“I’m just giving her piano lessons for some extra cash. And this room doesn’t mean much to me anymore.”

His answer dissappoints you. Not the part that he indirectly said they weren’t dating. The latter part. “And here I thought the whole secrecy of the piano room was just your way of pulling the moves on whoever you’re dating.” As long as the sentence is finished, you regret saying it. You know it isn’t right. What you said is unfair to every intimate and meaningful moment you had with him here. And your words come down like the last drop on his patience.

He shoots out of the seat. “If I wasn’t so goddamn sure that you already know how you’re the first person I ever brought in here, I’d be hurt. But instead I’m just pissed.”

He’s right to be. So you can’t say anything back.

“How can you even-” he stops for a moment. “But that’s just your way, isn’t it? Spit out venom whenever you don’t like something.”

“Me?” you ask in shock. Now this you can’t have. “No. Poisonous words are your specialty.”

“And you already left me for it, didn’t you? You left me so why would you care who I bring in here anyway?” He’s switched to his shouting voice now.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. But I left because you pushed me away, Yoongi.” He averts his gaze to the floor while you continue. “I know that you love music more than anything else but what I also happen to know is that you use it as an escape. An excuse to not get too close. But guess what? We were already too close for me to not realise what you were doing! And that is why I left!”

Both of you are obviously done shouting and silence takes over the room for a while. You already had to push back tears like twice now, so you decide to leave but just then, Yoongi has something to say.

“This room will never have any significance with anyone else besides you. Just know that.” he silently admits with his eyes still fixed on the ground. You don’t say anything and just walk away.

It’s nearly the end of the semester and Hoseok’s mixtape is finally finished. He was so exited that he accidentely published it three times in a row on soundcloud. And the fact that he’s getting some great feedback is the icing on top.

In the meantime, you’ve been doing a lot of thinking. After that fight with Yoongi, you’ve started to seriously consider the fact that maybe leaving him just like that was a mistake. Because yes, you were hurt that after all you had been through, he was still trying to keep you at bay. You felt like as you were falling completely and irreversably for him, he was still holding back. But when you left, you were gone all the way. Leaving him all alone when you knew he was hurt.

Spending the last couple of months together, you finally admitted to yourself that you missed him. And that it did bother you seeing him with other girls. It bothered you that Marley was so obviously into him. Even though he made it clear he wasn’t interested, you still felt... jealous.

But you never mustered up the courage to talk to him about any of these. Even though it seems like lately he’s trying not to be cold around you, trying to strike up random converstions in efforts to perhaps recover at least your friendship. For some stupid reason you can’t seem to dare let him back in.

Your buzzing phone pulls you out of your thoughts. You check and see it’s your best friend that you’ve been feeling extra proud of these days.

“Yes, my successful, on his way to become a star best friend?”

“Oh my god, Y/N. You won’t believe this!” he squeaks while talking. And you hate the suspense so you tell him to hurry up and tell you what’s up.

“Yoongi’s friend in radio 12 agreed to play the title song!”

“What??” you start to squeak in exitement as well. “When? When will it be on?”

“In about two minutes! Just put the station on, now!” he orders and hangs up immediately. He’ll probably call his parents next. You quickly do as he says and for sure, the next song is Hoseok’s title track. You start hopping in your bed, dancing around in your room with the dumbest smile on your face but then-

The bridge comes and it’s your voice. That’s impossible, you think. But it is you singing the bridge. And then it hits you. That one night you snuck into the studio with your spare key and recorded this exact bit, just to see how it’d be... As always, you thought it wasn’t good enough. But instead of deleting, you hid the file. Guess you couldn’t hide it that well, after all. Was it Hoseok that did this? Or...

Your phone buzzes again and once again it’s Hoseok. “Y/N- This was the best surprise you ever made for me. I’m literally about to cry, you sound so good! Thank you for doing this.”

It wasn’t Hoseok, then. But you’re thrilled to know he likes it that much. You’re thrilled to hear yourself on a freaking radio station that so many people listen to! It feels amazing. It gives you so much confidence. So much that after ending the call with Hoseok, you decide to go to the only person left who could’ve done this.

You’re at Yoongi’s door. You haven’t been here for a long time but despite the nervousness, you manage to knock. It’s pretty late but you know he’s a night owl, he should be up. Soon enough, he opens the door. He’s taken aback to see you at first but then his surprised expression turns into worry.

“I know why you’re here. I’m sorry I used the recording without your consent but-”

You launch yourself onto him and crash your lips on his. His response is so quick that it’s almost automatic. He pulls you in even more, closes the door with his foot and traps your body againts the wall with his own. All the while not parting your lips once. Your hands go to his hair. You’ve been wanting to brush your fingers through his hair ever since you’ve seen that he bleached it again after two years. You pull at the tips slightly. It makes him hum into your mouth.

“Wait-” he says while he pulls away suddenly. “You-” You’re both out of breath. “Are you really okay with what I did?”

“Yes.” You close the distance once again and this time he moves you to the couch. You’ve missed this couch. You’ve missed him...

He pulls back again. “Y/N- wait. What are we doing?”

“What do you think?” you tease as your lips travel down to his neck.

“I wanna talk to you first, though.” he manages to say between his panting.

“So talk.” you say and go back to the week spots on his neck, secretly smiling against his skin.

“You’re not-” he swallows a groan. “exactly making it easy.” He then pulls your head up to face him and gives you another long kiss. But this time not out of the heat of the moment. Instead with so much meaning engraved on it.

“Y/N... I never meant to hurt you.” he says staring into your eyes. “You were right, I was a coward but- I swear if you give me another chance, I will give it my all. I’ll be a thousand percent in.”

You smile. He looks so much like a lost puppy that it makes you want to tease him. “Well, prove that to me right now then.” you say slyly.

“Uhh- I will. I- I’m gonna go dye my hair brown, right now. I bleached it to get your attention, anyway. Not to attract others, I promise.” he says in panic.

You burst into laughter. When you first started dating, you talked him into not bleaching his hair anymore. You always said it was only for his health but he always knew you were jealous of girls getting attracted because of it, too. “No, don’t. I actually missed how even hotter it makes you look. Let’s keep that for now.” you say. “I was kidding, you don’t have to do or say any-”

“I love you.”

You pause. It’s not the first time he tells you that. But this time he says it in such a way that you’re certain it’s the real thing. Even more real than before. “I love you, too.”

“So...” he leans into you and whispers in your ear. “Couch or bed?”

You both giggle. “Surprise me.” you whisper back and he quickly tries to lift you but fails, making you both laugh out loud. “Umm- I haven’t been working out lately, baby. I’m sorry.” he says between giggles.

Between all the laughter, you silently thank him for giving you another chance, too. And make a mental promise that you won’t give this up so easily ever again.

....

A/N: This was my first Yoongi fic and I feel good about it. It’s really hard to imagine Yoongi not being a god at music so anytime I use him as a character, he’s always a prodigy lol. I can’t help it he’s just really good. Anyways if you’ve bared with this, thank you sooo much for reading and I hope you liked it. Let me know if you did. Always wash your hands and stay healthy :)

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operationblanketfort · 4 years

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I, um, I’m feeling very speechless right now.

I’m mostly numb, but I’m sort of glad we’re doing this, so many people weren’t doing what they were supposed to do with regards to social isolation so it makes sense.

This is about the lockdown announcement from Boris Johnson tonight, at half past eight GMT on the 23rd March 2020. I am 19 years old, and my college and last a level exam were cancelled last Wednesday night and I had a completely terrible weekend worrying about it all. I want to write this so I remember how it feels, and to hopefully provide some insight to future historians, or at least my own children/grandchildren.

The mention of police involvement actually really properly scared/scares me. I know he only said fines/dispersing but jesus christ even just the idea scares me. It feels like a proper lockdown now.

My dad, before the broadcast, kept insisting that nothing would keep him inside the house, he was even laughing at the idea of us trying to stop him going out, so I’m really worried about him. I’m also worried about all of us being stuck inside together for so long, my family all (thankfully) get along well but we’ve been arguing more recently so I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m also worried about my grandmothers because they both live alone and are particularly vulnerable. I’m so worried about something happening to them.

Okay, Its been 20 ish minutes now (taken me so long to write and word this stuff) and frankly I’m still struggling to process. It’s really hard to think about what’s going to happen in the next few weeks.

The feeling of having witnessed a historic moment live- of living through the history my grandchildren or even my children will learn in school- is absolutely momentous. It’s actually quite a scary feeling, but you also feel small.

Aaand the emergency bbc news bulletin is followed by an advert for ‘your perfect home’ and then masterchef. Perfect. It honestly doesn’t feel right watching masterchef after that announcement. I’m not sure any reality tv is going to feel okay watching for a while.

It’s now five past nine. My sister and dad finally left the room so mum and I could have a quick talk. We both admitted to being scared. It’s nice to have someone feeling the same, especially when it’s someone you’re really close to. She also put into words something I couldn’t: even though I expected this, I’m really shocked.

I suppose this is just too massive a thing to process. They (the government and media) keep using the word ‘unprecedented’ and to be honest I’ve been getting sick of it, but it really is the most accurate word. This has not happened to this scale in a long time, possibly even not in living memory or ever (but my medical history is not good enough to make that statement definitely).

I’m still really upset about losing my last days of school to this virus, and about the uncertainty around exam cancellations. Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time processing this.

When I really think about it, not a horrendous amount will change for me. People have been making jokes about it, especially on social medias, but with my college (sixth form, not uni) classes online I wouldn’t be leaving the house much anyway. The main problem is going to be overexposure to my family lol.

Also, I almost feel a bit cheated? I’ve finally gained an interest in going out and hanging with my friends like a normal teenager, but now I can’t at all. I wanted a bit more experience in going on nights out or parties before uni, but I can’t now. Ugh.

I’m really hoping this does help stop this virus. Like I said, I’m glad we’re doing this because it actually does have a chance. I really don’t want this to last any longer than it has to, because I want a life! I want university and dating and nights out and pub crawls and going on walks for the hell of it and random trips to the shops for some sudden craving. I want house parties and coffee with friends and trips to town because I’m bored. I haven’t really wanted any of this for most of my teenage years (because of mental illness) and now that I finally do it is taken from me and I hate it. But also, I’m glad we’re doing this because I really really want no one else to die or get infected. It’s such a conflicting, confusing time to live through.

Oh, another problem I’m going to have is hobbies. I like to write and sew mainly. Writing will be fine, except I haven’t done any properly in ages. Maybe this will turn out to be a good time to finally get back into it. My sewing however, mayyy be affected. I don’t think hugely, but I only have so many supplies because normally I can just run out to the range.

The television has been on a different channel (history, I think- dad’s watching wheeler dealers) since the news ended. It feels really strange watching adverts for shops and products and services that probably won’t be available for the next three weeks. There’s loads of McDonald’s adverts, and they announced they were closing earlier today. Adverts for things that really don’t matter anymore, or that won’t be there anymore, are almost creepy. Like, even if they work from an advertisement perspective, nothing can happen about them. They still won’t make people buy the things. It’s kind of sobering.

Okay, now it’s 34 past nine, and I’m exhausted so I am going to bed. Finally. I might update this tomorrow, might not. I have some online classes tomorrow, and I’m going to check up on my friends, make sure they’re okay. I’m still hella numb and shocked, so maybe some sleep will do me good. Rest well everyone, even any of you from the future!

#mine #uk #coronavirus #boris johnson #lockdown #long post #sorry i just needed this out there #thanks for reading love y’all #sorry for the terrible formatting im on mobile and cant be bothered

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selfcarecap · 2 years

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Bless you, love. You're too sweet, I love talking to you as well. I'm literally always on here and see your posts. Even hearing you thinking of me makes my heart burst. How small interactions through anonymous messages have such a tremendous impact, to form some sort of companionship, will never cease to amaze me.

Yet after my little freak out the other day, where I got all anxious and panicky, I started getting reluctant to contact you. You were incredibly kind, and your reaction was nothing but thoughtful. I even prepared a novel-like response, in which I explained my sudden outburst and apologised for the inconvenience, as well as thanked you for your immediate comforting reply.

However, I felt too overbearing and conflicted with myself, which is why I threw this draft overboard and decided to provisionally stay out of your asks, at least for a little while. (= me still explaining where I was last week without reopening the novel-like draft no one asked for)

I hope you're doing okay? How's your second semester going? Did your initial anxiety die down, or are you still experiencing it? How did you adjust to your new schedule?

-sparkles

Sparkles 🥺 you don’t need to worry about stuff like that with me omg <3 ik easier said than done but :( this is gonna sound weird to say about myself but I’m genuinely a kind and forgiving person, I mean you didn’t insult me or anything (i genuinely don’t even remember what it was about... wasn’t it just a bit of a Meinungsverschiedenheit? (lmao) that’s nothing you have to worry about or nothing that makes me not want you in my asks :( you can always message me and if i have a problem with you, you’ll notice 😭 but i can’t imagine what a kind person like you would have to do to really make me dislike you, if i already like you as much as i do i can’t imagine changing my opinion about you any time soon

I’m okay! I still get nervous about my only in person class even though it’s one of my favourite classes! Otherwise my anxiety has gone away SO MUCH within the last week and I’m so so relieved. I don’t want to be too optimistic but it makes sense that my anxiety is slowly dying down now that it’s the third week of uni (??) and I’m getting used to it. I’m still unsure about my classes though. I signed up for more classes than I’m supposed to this semester and I was thinking of dropping out of a few classes once the semester starts and I know which ones I like or don’t like but it’s currently not as much work as I thought it was going to be and I don’t really want to drop out of any classes in case I don’t get into them again next semester </3 I’ve written down when I have all my exams and how many assignments I have and how much I have to write and I honestly can’t tell if it’s going to be too much work or not. I don’t know the topics of the assignments yet either and have no idea if they’ll be more research based or I just have to talk about my opinion and interpretations which would be a lot less work. So I’m kinda struggling with that because I don’t want to overwork myself because it’ll just lead to bad results, but I don’t want to wait until January (which is when I’ll know all topics for my final assignments/papers) to decide if I’ll do all of them? Because I don’t want to go to classes for 3 months only to not do the final exams and maybe not get into the class next semester. Idk if I’m explaining it well but I don’t feel like going into the administration stuff of my uni xsldjsk😭

Another thing is my minor subject (I never know how to translate Nebenfach) that I started this semester (art history).... I’m very undecided. It’s just the third week but so far I’m not really enjoying it. It’s very weird because my professors are so great and the actual subject matter is so fascinating to me and yet I hate going to those lessons and I can’t imagine doing that shit for five semesters. I’m not a fan of any of the minors that my uni has for Anglistik but I have to choose one and I really enjoyed art in the Oberstufe so I thought I’d like it at uni too but I’m really not sure. The only other minor I’m interested in only starts during the winter semester so if I really realise that art history isn’t for me I would have to wait til my 4th semester (end of next year) to start that minor (I can’t really say what it’s called because it’s very specific to my uni and I’m already not the most careful person when it comes to personal information so sixhsksjsjs). I’d definitely have enough time to complete it especially with new covid rules regarding how long you’re allowed to study but :( I just wanna find a minor that I actually enjoy. And also I think I’d have to pause Anglistik for a semester or two to catch up on my minor and I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea. This is probably all really confusing and doesn’t make sense and I’m thinking way too far ahead, maybe I’ll start enjoying art history soon and it’ll all be fine anyway. (Lol that was a lot of... talking about myself shsks how are YOU?)

#sparkles #💖#this took me so long and yet it makes 0 sense I’m sorry 💀😭#ily i hope you’re having a good day <3

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kyunsies · 3 years

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Mädch! I am so inconsistent talking to you lmao! I cut like. 8 inches of my hair off the other day (actually my sister did it for me), so it barely rests on my shoulders now and everyone says it's really cute 🥰🥰 it's soo refreshing to not have so much hair

I have to let you know I listened to a shinee song you recommended (U Need Me) and wow!!! It's so good!! The jazzy/funky vibes are so so fun, especially with the tight vocal harmonies! I LOVE the little stop time feeling that goes throughout the tune, too. It's a lil surprise that is so gooood. I was with my sister when I listened to it for the first time, and she can attest I gasped and/or exclaimed excitedly at least four times before the 22 second mark and it was all chaos from there. I think I need to listen to more shinee...

Do you have an all time favorite book? Mine is probably The Little Prince. I read it the first time when I was pretty young, and then read it again recently and really really fell in love with it.

How've you been? I know you've been busy with assignments and studying for exams and rotations(?). Is there anything you're looking forward to this week? I hope you're taking care of yourself, and staying healthy!!! Love you 💖 dkbtho

hi love !!!!!! again pls never worry about "being consistent" lol you stop by whenever u can okay !!! i always love hearing from you no matter how much time passes <3 your sister chopped ur hair omg !!!!! 8 inches is sooooo much, how do you like it? is it easier to manage now?

AHHHH SHINEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! shinee my most absolute beloved <3 u need me IS SO AMAZING isn't it?? that's just ,,,,, shinee ya know? not sure how much you know about shinee but they're like, the it boy group for me LDKFJ i started stanning them last year even tho i've known of them ever since i got into kpop, but GOD :( i fell for them so hard both their personalities and their music ,,,, SM really struck gold with them i think <3 obviously mx is my most ult group i will love them until the day i die but there's something So Special about shinee and their music, it's like receiving the warmest and safest hug you could ever ask for ;______; love those bubs :(

and yes i do have a favorite book !!!!! it's not new by any means and honestly it's a little traumatizing for some but its 'lord of the flies' by william golding <3 i read it in high school for one of my AP english classes and it impacted me for the rest of my life it will always stick with me !!!! so much imagery and growth and heartbreak ,,, it's so good !!!! and also !!!! :o i have heard of the little prince but i never read it :(

anyways love i've been okay !!!! i have 2 exams this week tho hhh so i'm a little stressed about that and i have officially started my clinical rotation in the ICU which has been pretty overwhelming but its okay !!!! i'll survive :') one thing i'm looking forward to? mmmm, well on thursday after my rotation my friend that i want to live with after uni, her grandparents are coming up and they want to meet me so i'll be going out to dinner LOL so that's exciting !!!! is there anything u are looking forward to this week hun? if i don't hear from you, pls take care of yourself this week !!! love u <3

#asks #dkbtho

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backtoyourownworld · 6 years

Text

A very long read

You’re too young to be an alcoholic. That’s the first thing I hear when I try to share my experiences with someone. I had always liked a drink. From a sip to a chug of my dad’s beer, to helping mum polish off a bottle of vodka; alcohol was in my blood. That line between casual drink out with the mates and waking up on a park bench after a three-day bender is so fine it might as well not exist. Not to me at least. I learnt early on that I lack self-control when it comes to that mind-numbing, fucking fantastic substance that is alcohol. While schoolmates were worrying about GCSEs (exams) and relationships, I was fretting about the new alarms in the local Co-op. What was I to do without my fix of stolen Henry Weston’s cider (chosen because it was least visible from the checkouts). I made a decent living fencing my stolen goods to classmates. I felt like a real fucking entrepreneur selling stolen sandwiches and chocolate bars to fund my drinking. The good stuff was always behind the tills, impossible to pinch and stuff in a schoolbag.

I was promised amazing things for my GCSEs. My pick of schools throughout the country, top-class universities fighting over me. I don’t mean this boastfully, but I was always aware of my intelligence. Even as a primary school pupil I read from the book box two years above me. I couldn’t help it. I was voracious in my desire to learn.

Things went alright for the first few years of secondary school. I did the work, answered the questions, got the grades. Then the anger came. Call it what you will: teen angst/acting out/attention seeking. Whatever it was, it was real to me. I remember so much anger. So much hate. I was fifteen when things really started getting seriously out of control. All that anger had to come out somewhere. And I chose fighting as my release. Fuelled by a few litres of energy drink a day, I had numerous fights throughout my teen years. I do remember one thing: I always retaliated, I never struck first. Yet the sheer number of times my name was mentioned in incident reports led to me being suspended. God, those flying fists and scratches, and biting felt so good, so primal. It was such a release.

My grades slipped. As became Cs and then Es. And then I stopped caring. Meetings with parents and tutors washed over me like rain. I was numb. I didn’t give a shit about university applications or apprenticeships. All that mattered to me was how deep I could cut. Maybe the next time I would do it deep enough to make it last. It’s hard to care about classes and grades when your mind is focused on the three-inch gash on your leg that you stitched up yourself. The empty water bottle filled up with stolen vodka became a staple in my schoolbag. Mum never seemed to notice how diluted her vodka became. Or the countless other spirits I sampled from the drinks cabinet. Campari and Advocaat. The odd smelling drinks you don’t even know what to mix with so you just chug from the bottle and hope for the best. I won’t deny I enjoyed my celebrity as the drunk girl in school. The girl who could knick you anything from the shop as long as it wasn’t too close to the tills. But while people grew tired of me stumbling in the school hallways, falling off science lab stools, puking between classes; I craved more. Passing out alone in my room wasn’t enough. I embarrassed myself at parties. On one occasion I even ate a piece of pork from a bowl of my own vomit.

I watched my friends complete their university applications, receive their offers and sort out student finance. Meanwhile I was stuck. What future did a pathetic drunk have. I was convinced I wouldn’t make it to the end of the year so why bother taking up a place at university. But I could never go through with it. I didn’t die. Despite my attempts I was still alive at eighteen. I spent a year at the mercy of the NHS, stuck in purgatory waiting for appointments that never fucking materialised. Don’t get me wrong, the NHS is a wonderful system for healthcare. But not for mental healthcare. A year of my life wasted. A year where I did actually want to accomplish something. I gave up on the NHS like they gave up on me. In a fit of enthusiasm I enrolled myself in college. I finally, three years late, finished my A Levels and earned my place at a Russell Group university.

Being a Fresher at university is like taking a starving man to an all-you-can-eat buffet and saying you can only eat one thing. Temptation is everywhere. And I don’t mean that religious bullshit where it’s somehow noble to turn down any vices. No, I mean the temptation where you find yourself literally salivating in the alcohol aisle of the local supermarket. Standing there with your bread and milk willing the queue to go down faster so you can get away from the cheap lager and that goddamned vodka. Most people’s first year at university is spent intoxicated in one way or another. It’s a fact of university life. That’s how I started. I’d never lived away from home before. Never had the freedom to down vodka with my morning Shreddies. But god, first year was a revelation. Everyone else had it under control. I thought I did too. College had been alright, I’d got my grades while drinking at socially acceptable levels. Why would uni be any harder. Freshers Week. Fucking Freshers Week. I made it to the third night before shit hit the fan. I remember it so vividly despite being so drunk my flatmates tried to convince me not to leave pre-drinks. It was Wild Night. I know because I still have the t-shirt. I was in the smoking section of the Students’ Union club (I don’t even smoke), decked out in my wolf shirt and wild backcombed hair. I climbed the railings. A twenty foot drop onto concrete below me. People screamed. I laughed. Then I remember crying as security dragged me back over the railings and shipped me off to the local alcohol treatment centre - they didn’t know where else to send me.

I avoided my flatmates after that. Stopped going to lectures. I only left my room to walk to the nearby corner shop and stock up with a couple bottles of vodka and lemonade. The shame I felt for my behaviour was so easy to squash down with booze. My diet became vodka and crisps. I turned almost nocturnal, choosing to venture out of my room in the early hours when I was less likely to encounter my flatmates. I stopped being invited to pre-drinks. I don’t blame them. I was no longer a fun drunk, falling off chairs and singing off-key. I was a puking, punching, mess of a person. Somehow, I managed to pass first year. Despite my self-sabotage I was allowed onto fieldwork for my degree over that first summer. A month in Germany. Four weeks surrounded by cheap beer. I barely remember that month. A few moments do stand out though. Threatening to jump in a lake. Going for a midnight walk through a bramble patch. Finding myself on train tracks.

I don’t even know what possessed me to attempt second year. I knew I wasn’t prepared. Knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to attend university. But still, I went for it. I thought I was doing so well, but I was lying to myself. It was so easy to sleep in and miss a lecture here and there. I’d joined a few societies to help me meet people with similar interests. The socials were great at first. Like-minded people coming together for a casual drink and chat in the pub. And then the socials weren’t enough to satisfy my cravings. Six pints at a social was followed by twelve pints from the off-licence on the way home. Then lager wasn’t enough. I needed something stronger. I remember calculating the price-per-unit for every type of alcohol in my local offy. Their off-brand vodka was the best value for money. Combined with the cheapest lemonade, it was the drunk’s cocktail. Consuming so much alcohol isn’t without its consequences. I put on weight. I had stomach issues. My skin was greasy. And I stank. Vodka was literally oozing out of every pore on my body. The rare lecture I did attend, people would ask me if I’d been drinking. They could smell it on me from ten feet away.

I don’t remember much of the day I slit my wrist. I knew I wanted to hurt myself but I don’t think I meant for it to go that far. I took a bottle of vodka along with me for my bath. Hot water and alcohol make for very thin blood. I recall trying to clean the bathtub after and then phoning a taxi to take me to A&E. After that it’s a blur of disapproving doctors and concerned nurses. Nine stitches later and I was home with instructions to see a therapist. The bottle of vodka was still in the bathroom. Bless my housemate; he’d tried his best to clean up all the blood and throw out my razor. I got sedated with Valium after that. Like a scene from a 1950s mental institution. All that did was numb me even more. I became like a zombie, barely able to get out of bed to wash or feed myself. The only thing I left the house for was to buy more booze. Not long after the bathtub incident I phoned my parents in a drunken mess and begged them for help. They drove 200 miles and took me home that night.

What followed was a year of private counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy to help me learn healthy coping mechanisms. It was decided I should go teetotal. I thought that year out had fixed me, that I was finally a functioning member of society. How wrong I was. Not four weeks into my second attempt at second year and I was drinking heavily again. I get this thought in my head: fuck it all. This is what drives me when I’ve been drinking. What makes me walk out my front door with a bottle in my hand and do something stupid. And it was inevitable that sooner or later my actions would result in serious consequences.

The worst night of my life was 18th March 2018. I got drunk as usual. But it was supposed to be my final night of drinking. I was going to give it up completely. I’d bought some whiskey. I have a terrible history with whiskey, it gets me violently drunk very fast. I got hammered. That thought of “fuck it all” came into my head and I decided to throw myself into the local river. Once again, I don’t remember much of that night. I do remember drinking the whiskey in my room and then leaving my house. But I don’t remember grabbing the knife or talking to that woman on the bridge. The next thing I do remember is a policeman handcuffing me and shoving me into the back of a police van. That night in the cells was one of the worst of my life. I was like a madwoman, banging my head off the walls and scratching my arms till they bled. I was charged with possession of a bladed article in a public place. Four years in prison. I could have been sent down for that long. But whatever deity there is saved me and let me off with a deal. I see an addiction counsellor instead. No charge, no criminal record.

At the time of writing this I am still drinking, but I have seriously cut down and am on my way to complete sobriety. God knows I got fucking lucky.

I just hope one day my luck doesn’t run out.

Thank you for sticking with me for this long and reading to the end. If you’re going through anything, or just want to talk, my ask is always open.

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littleaprilcherryblossom · 3 years

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Ask sent by @holy-hyuck

you're planning on doing postgraduate? that's cool! i wanted to too but i decided that psychology isn't really for me so when i finish my degree i'll move onto something else. well, hopefully there will be a similar opportunity at your uni of choice, even if it's not to Australia. is there another country you'd like to visit? i always wanted to go to Spain that's really bad, yeah, but i'm no surprised to be honest, it's been over a year now, the constant lockdowns and isolation are really depressing, a lot of people's mental health problems probably got worse, i'm glad i could have a semi-normal life during the first lockdown that sucks, i would have gone insane haha, how have you handled things then? i had my full first semester at uni and then spent 4 months at home which sucked, but i did actually enjoy being at home so it wasn't that bad i'm definitely making that now! i'm such a sucker for pasta dishes, and always down to try something new too. also, coffee cookies sound delicious! oh! does that mean you're finishing your degree now? or is your course 4 years or longer? well, now you have the rest of the summer off so at least that's a relief. i guess i don't know that level of stress level yet since it's my first year and the exams were easier because of covid (since they weren't in person i didn't really have to memorise anything) that's good to hear. i'd love to go to pride one day too, but i honestly don't even know where they're happening. maybe in the near future i'll be able to go. i think as soon as i wrote that it started to rain haha. the weather is kinda meh now, will be for another week or two with a few exceptions, it will either rain or just not be sunny. i don't mind the cool wether with some wind after those heatwaves but it's not sunny at all and i'm kinda feeling demotivated by it. that's understandable. if i'm not offered the vaccine throughout the summer i'll probably get it as soon as i get to uni. let me know how the trip goes! and that sounds cute, is it volunteering? i've been home for almost a month now, it's crazy because it really doesn't feel like it. i haven't even cleaned my room since i got here 😅

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I swear I don't get notified when these come in my askbox 😭

Yes I plan on doing either a postgraduate or smth else because with just a degree in geography there is no job you're really qualified for :(( and yeah I also hope I'll get another opportunity to do an exchange but I have no idea where I want to go... I will look at the programm of the degree first and then look at the country I guess.. I really really want to go to South America one day but there is not one soecific country I would like to go to, maybe Brazil but rather not for studies because idk if they have degrees in English (my portugese is really bad haha)

I wish you the best in your future, I hope you find something you like to do soon enough ! And also that you will be able to go to Spain ! (I would also like to visit one day 😊)

Yes I definetly became a couch potato over the months and I am happy to finally be able to go out "normally" again and just get my mind off all the bad and stressful things I had to deal with 😭 I almost didn't go out the whole year, I had classes in peeson in September and beginning October abd then we had the second wave so there was a new lockdown and from there I only got out to go to my exams in January and once a week to buy groceries, aside feom that I really did not go out. And yeah that was okay at first but over the months I realized I had lost motivation to go outside and exercise and just get out of bed so that's kinda bad...

Yes I am finished with my degree 😭 let's just hope I pass now 😭😭😭 I am so tired of uni I really need a break...

Prides usually happen in bigger cities and since they're organized events you can easily find the dates on the city's website !

Lmao here the weather is just a big joke, the last two weeks it was impossibly hot, like I thought I was gonna die of overheating (36 degrees C in my room at night with the window open and the fan, it was impossible to bring fresh air in no matter how hard I tried so I was happy to escape and go ro my parent's house for a week, today I'm going back to my student residence tho but it's been very rainy and stormy for a few days now and the temperatures dropped haha

Yeah same ! I am planning on doing a voluntary service next year to take a break from uni, so I'll try to be vaccinated until then 😅 and yeah the camp I'm helping at is pretty much voluntary but I don't have anything to pay for the accomodation, transport and food so it's kinda worth going for the experience ! The kids are usually nice, the place is next to a forwst on a small mountain, it's really nice honestly !

I'll let you know !! Next week I'm also going on a 4 days trip with a few people feom my residence :) we're going camping in a place called Taizé (a place where many religious people from all around the world come to pray and just take time to think and rest) and then we will also soend two days in Switzerland near Geneva :)

#victoria 🌹#mutuals 🙌#thank you 💕#submission

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miphastudies · 3 years

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17 Questions for 17 People

Thanks @its-bianca for tagging me in this! Sorry it’s taken so long, we’re in a third lockdown and I’m pretty sure my body thinks that time no longer exists.

Nicknames: Kim, Kimbo, Kimberlim, Kimothy, Kimberley Dibberley (For some reason my family thought that a nickname based off Cat’s other personality from Red Dwarf, Dwayne Dibberley, was funny and it’s stuck with me my whole life), as well as KIIII (shouted by my sister when she was about 2 and couldn’t pronounce my name, my best friend now yells it when she wants my attention) and Kim-Kim by my Dad who refuses to believe I’ve grown up (beats Kimberley Dibberley any day)

Height: 5'9 - towering over most men is fun, I suggest it to all of you, I’d rather round it up to six foot, but I probs stopped growing at 20.

Hogwarts House: Well I got Gryffindor when I first went on that site, but being my goth self I had to take the test again until I got Slytherin - as far as I remember I had unicorn hair (or horn?) or something of the like in my wand but I’m not gonna fuel JK’s anti-trans pockets by visiting Pottermore ever again.

Last thing I googled: The soundtrack for Futurama’s Luck of the Fryrish episode, I knew Simple Minds were on it but I could’ve sworn Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty was on it, but apparently not. I spent a good half hour trying to sing it into google with their new song-analysis thing to no avail, so I ended up siphoning through all the songs Lisa Simpson has ever played on her Sax to find out what it was (I should be doing my dissertation proposal but my tutors haven’t got back to me yet so what can ye do).

Song stuck in my head: yknow wha I’m just gonna list the songs that have been stuck in my head so far today because it’s too many to be just one as I keep cycling through them (also gonna link them so you can see how garbo weird my music taste is)

Run - Joji Alive - Pearl Jam Clinging On For Life - The Hoosiers Tension - Avenged Sevenfold Boots of Spanish Leather - Bob Dylan Nutshell - Alice in Chains Jaded - Aerosmith The Sea of Tragic Beasts - Fit For an Autopsy

I’ll add my current favourite at the bottom too for good measure (Honestly I spend way too much time listening to music and I regret nothing)

Number of followers: Currently 85. I’ve got about 2k on my main blog but I’ve not touched that since July 2017.

Amount of sleep: Good lord, so I aim for 8 hours, sometimes I only get 5.5 or something along those lines, other times I depression nap during the day and can’t sleep at all, sometimes (like this morning) I’ll go to get up at a normal person time such as 9am when my body naturally wakes me up, but it’s so dark and gloomy outside and cold in my room that I just stay in bed and end up accidentally falling back asleep. 12pm gang rise up xo

Lucky number: 7

Dream Job: Hopefully I get somewhat successful in monetising my hobbies, I’m working on it all atm (I don’t know why but I really hate telling people about my plans because I’m deathly afraid they’ll mock me or do whatever they can to ensure it doesn’t happen, I’ve got this list of things I need to do for my own mental health sellotaped to my laptop stand that had things like when to clean the house, do my laundry, shower, exercise etc, and my old flatmate/friend saw it the other week and mocked me, so I haven’t followed it since and need to find some sort of other way of organising my life instead). But yeah, hopefully hobby based, I don’t want to be stuck in an office job all my life, and I want to leave the UK (although I don’t want to leave my family) so hopefully I’ll be successful enough to bring em all with me.

Wearing: Well I was gonna wear jeans and my Unus Annus longsleeve but I decided to go full kitchen witch and wear this black milkmaid looking dress with long sleeves that I’d bought for work when I got my thigh tattoo started (all the old men appreciated the legs but I didn’t make any more tips, oops)

Favourite song: My favourite song of all time would be The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony , the band formed at my college, has great meaning and has resonated with me since I first saw the music video after it was played at my Stepdad’s funeral in 2002. Weirdly enough on my last day of college, right after my last exam, I went to get the bus home - put my Spotify on shuffle (bearing in mind I’ve got 805 songs on this playlist) and this came on straight away. That’s probably not important to most people, but being pagan, I like to think that small things like these are signs from loved ones that have since passed. Not too happy that it’s used as the England Rugby theme because it gives me anxiety every time as though I feel like everyone hearing it doesn’t have the same emotional connection with the song as I do, but idk. I saw Richard Ashcroft live and he played this and I legit bawled my eyes out in public, safe to say I’ll try and hold it in next time. I suggest you all have a listen to the song or even watch the music video for it, it’s the most simple but most meaningful music video to me.

Favourite Instrument: I’m left handed and I had this Yamaha acoustic guitar that my stepdad gave me - and taught me to play when I was about 5, a few months before he died (it’s still weird to me that I had no idea he had cancer at that point and instead spent his last few months teaching me his favourite hobbies) all he had was right handed guitars, so he taught me to play Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters upside down on this 20 odd year old right handed acoustic. He hadn’t played upside down himself before but did it so I could see what he was doing. I remember sitting in our green living room on the couch with him moving my hands to the right position (I don’t know where my mum was in this scenario, probably in the kitchen). He’d brought this guitar with him the first day I met him, it was probably like 11pm but I was 4 and thought it was 3am or something, but I heard voices coming from the living room and had gone to investigate - there sat my mum and my stepdad having Chinese on the living room floor, laughing together, my stepdad saw me and had brought sweets for me and my brother for when we woke up, but he beckoned me over, gave me a lollipop, stuck a two litre bottle of tizer in front of me and told me to dip the lollipop in the drink and lick it (not a good idea as I would’ve been bouncing off the walls, but I think I must’ve had a sugar crash and fallen asleep). My mum had no idea he was coming as he’d sneakily been texting her, asking what her favourite drink was, her favourite food and flowers etc, after they met in a pub when my mum was at a hostel with my brother after my Dad had taken me. My mum told him that the council had given her a place and he decided to show up and surprise her with all her favourite things and play guitar for her after my brother and I had gone to bed, I don’t remember much time passing before we’d moved into his house (where my mum and her new husband live to this day), but they got married a few months later and I still can’t play that Metallica song (I did try to teach myself more of it though). I also had this black left handed Ibanez prestige that my Dad got me for Christmas about 9 years ago, I could play quite a lot on it but eventually just stopped. Very good at piano though.

Aesthetic: I’m not sure what this entails but I’m a sucker for neon/RGB/cityscapes and that type of malarkey. Also space. Love da space. Also whatever Cornwall would be considered as. Cottagecore? I think that’s only an animal crossing related aesthetic but I’m claiming it nonetheless.

Favourite Author: I’m a big goth so it has to be Stephen King by default. I’ve got copious first editions of his books from the 70′s and 80′s that my Mum bought when she was a teen. At my flat I’ve got Carrie, Christine, Salem’s Lot, Misery and The Shining first editions and the others are in my room at my Mum’s house. I don’t tend to read for joy like I used to, or write for fun either but I’m hoping I do more in 2021. Currently reading The Outsider by King, it sounds eerily familiar to a novel I wrote for coursework in college in 2014 and I’m half pressed to think he’s stole my brain ideas. I’m watching you Stephen. Always watching. Always.

Favourite animal sounds: I don’t have favourite sounds, but my husky Nanook is my favourite animal because he’s dumb and I love him. Also Kookaburra sounds are terrifying and you all should go listen to what a koala sounds like. When I go to Adelaide (hopefully this year, if not next) I am NOT stepping foot in a nature reserve unless I’ve got an anti-kookaburra noise suit on. They obviously don’t exist so I’m gonna have to make one.

Random: I’m part of a viking reenactment group where they use actual swords and fight each other, and we have to basically sign our lives away when we join, to say that if we die, it’s not the groups fault. I don’t actually do the fighting though, I’m part of the villager group, so I do all the crafting and food making and most of the teaching when we do shows. I’ve not yet been to a show as I’ve had uni to go to, but my parents, sister and brother do - They stayed within Whitby Abbey last year during the Viking festival where everyone did the show and the adults got drunk round campfires in the castle grounds. Zacky Vengeance once complimented my shirt if that’s something. I’m also colourblind, got glared at by Liam Gallagher in the Liverpool Echo Arena parking lot and have too accurate a sense of smell.

Sorry this was so long, obviously I felt like word-dumping and my brain has a lot to say as I find too much meaning in these things. Thanks again for tagging me! I’ve not got 17 people to tag as I don’t interact with anyone at the moment but I’ll come back to this and add people as the week progresses :)

#tagged #personal #asks

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finn-nelson-for-the-win · 6 years

Text

Before the World Stops Turning: Pt. 7

Hello my lovelies! Please allow me to take a brief moment to apologize. Yes, I am aware that it has been two weeks since the last chapter I posted. Yes, I am aware that roughly a week prior to that I had made it a point to tell you all that I was bad about posting regularly but I wanted to be better. Yes, I am aware of the irony of this all...but oh well! I’m terrible, I know, but nonetheless I’m sorry this chapter took so long to write. Shall we get on with it then?

This is the long chapter I have been promising for a little while and it’s definitely a break from the fun, flirty, silliness of the last couple chapters, but alas, it had to happen...

If you’d like to be added/removed from my tags list for this fic or my Forever Tag list, don’t hesitate to let me know!

Everything I’ve written can be found right here!

I hope you enjoy this chapter! (As always, additional notes and random commentary I have will be at the end beneath the tags)

***

When Rae walked through the door of the small restaurant that she and Izzie went to for lunch regularly and she saw Izzie already seated at their usual table, she smiled to get Izzie’s attention and walked the short distance to the small table beside the window.

“Hiya, babes! I’m so sorry I’m late. My last exam ended a bit later than I anticipated.”

“No problem, Rae-Rae! I’m just glad you were free to meet for lunch today, since I asked you about it with such short notice this morning.”

Rae nodded and smiled in agreement as she picked up the menu that sat on her side of the table and began to look through it.

“Oh! When you texted me that you were a few minutes away I went ahead and put in both our orders. I got you your usual salad. I hope that’s okay with you!”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. I always like to look through the menu, but I don’t think I’ve ordered anything other than that salad more than a handful of times in the three years I have been coming here with you!” Rae replied with a chuckle.

“Yeah, that’s why I figured it’d probably be alright if I just ordered for you,” Izzie said as she took a drink of her soda before speaking again, “So you mentioned that you just finished your last exam, right? Doesn’t that mean that you’re done with Uni for the semester?”

“Yeah! I’m officially done with this semester! I’m just waiting for the final scores to be posted so I know how I did!” Rae replied triumphantly.

“Yay! That’s so exciting, Rae! I’m sure you did very well on your exams, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about!”

Rae and Izzie continued making casual conversation about the exams they had taken this week and what they wanted to do with their summer holiday until their waitress walked up to their table carrying a large round tray with a couple plates on it.

“Okay, we have the grilled chicken sandwich and the Mediterranean salad here. Is there anything else I can get for your two ladies right now?” The waitress said after she placed the food Rae and Izzie each ordered in front of them.

“No, thank you! I think we’re fine for now,” Izzie replied with a smile.

“Great! If you need anything else, feel free to let me know,” the waitress said as she walked away to check-in on the other tables she was waiting on.

Izzie and Rae sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments as they each began to eat their lunch before Izzie cleared her throat to speak up.

“So...about your coffee date with Finn on Monday…” Izzie said with a smirk as she looked up at Rae, “I’m still waiting to hear all the juicy details.”

“Seriously, Izz? I’ve been telling you all about it for the last four days since it happened! You know so much about it that it feels like you were practically there with us at Charlie’s that afternoon!” Rae joked.

“I’m just curious, Rae! And no, you have been telling me what happened via text message for the past few days. We had to miss our usual ‘Thursday Lunch Date’ yesterday because of our exam schedules, but I still want to hear all about how it went now that we’re talking in-person!”

“Fine, I suppose you’re right, Izz,” Rae replied with a sigh before continuing, “It went really well, I think.”

“Even though he was nearly an hour late to meet you? If someone didn’t even call or text me to let me know they were going to be late to our date, I would have left and I would probably never forgive him! If Finn—or anyone else for that matter—ever stands you up like that again, I’m gonna...well, I don’t know...kick his arse or something!”

“Izzie!”

“What? I need to stand up for you babes. You deserve someone who realizes how great you are and treats you right.” Izzie said as she pointed her finger at Rae to show how serious she was.

“Well thank you, Izz, but we both know you would never really do that. There isn’t a single mean or spiteful bone in your body,”

“Fine, I suppose you’re right. But I would be pretty peeved for a little while at least…” Izzie chuckled.

“Sure you would, Izzie. But yeah, even though he was incredibly late, I think it went pretty well. And he did try to text me...like a lot. I’m pretty sure there were somewhere around twenty text messages from him freaking out about being late and apologizing to me, but I’m an idiot and didn’t charge my phone earlier in the day, so I had to power off my phone so it wouldn’t die completely before I was back at my apartment.”

Izzie took another bite of her sandwich and chewed thoughtfully as she seemed to be processing what Rae had said.

“Hmm...I suppose that’s alright then. So what did the two of you talk about for over two hours? I was under the impression that you were just going there to get the tickets and I assumed the two of you might chat for a bit, but suddenly three hours had passed since you had texted me that you got to the cafe and I hadn’t heard back from you!”

“Yeah, sorry about that. The whole time I was waiting for him to show up, I was trying to decide who it was I was even supposed to be meeting. I had figured it would be Archie—like you guessed—or Chop because he seemed to be very friendly and social, but when Finn walked up to my table and greeted me using my name, I literally choked on my coffee and could have died right there and then,”

“Oh no!” Izzie replied in an attempt to show concern, but it was followed by a small chuckle.

“And then I had to backtrack and I became a bumbling mess when I was finally able to speak again. It was so embarrassing!” Rae replied as she stabbed various vegetables with her fork and brought the bite of salad to her mouth.

“I’m sure it wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it was...so what happened next?” Izzie said as she took a drink of her soda and stared wide-eyed at Rae as she waited for her to continue the retelling of this story.

“Well he gave me the tickets and I gave him the money and there was this brief moment of awkward silence where it looked like he was trying to decide what to say or do just like I was. It definitely took a lot longer than I would have liked, but my brain and my mouth decided to work with each other, not against each other, and just as he was about to leave I asked if he wanted to have coffee with me since we were both already here. I think I caught him off guard because it took him a while to respond, but then he very eagerly accepted—it was pretty fucking adorable,” Rae said, chuckling at the memory of how excited Finn seemed when he took a seat across from her at the table on Monday.

“That does sound really cute!”

“So his way of apologizing for being late was to order nearly one of every pastry Charlie’s sells, so we were both eating those and drinking our coffees and just chatting. I told him about our little discovery about how only three of his fingers ended up in the group photo we took at the first show of theirs that we went to...and we were talking about how Finn, Archie, and Chop are the founding members of Kings and Queens and they have been friends since they were kids...and then we were talking about Uni and what we’re both studying...and I found out that Finn writes music and is beginning to help with recording and the music production process...and he told me why he was running so late to meet me.”

“Why was he running late?”

“He said a meeting with the band manager was running longer than it was supposed to and after that ended he was only about twenty minutes late, but in his hurry to meet me I guess he was so flustered about being late that he completely forgot the tickets and he had to turn around to go get them. By that time he was even more flustered and his text messages were much more panicked, but he eventually got there, so it wasn't that big of a deal.”

“Ah, well it sounds like the two of you got on really well. Aren’t you glad that I refused to let you cancel your coffee date with him?” Izzie asked with a slight smirk.

“I suppose...I really should listen to you more often, Izz,” Rae replied with an eye roll, “and yeah, we really hit it off, I think! You know how shy I can be when I’m around people I don’t know very well, but talking to him and spending two hours with someone that was practically a stranger earlier that same day was actually surprisingly easy...It was nice though.”

“Are you excited to see him at the show tonight?”

“Yeah, I mean...I suppose so.” Rae said with a nonchalant shrug.

“Maybe now you can actually get a picture with him that includes more than just a few appendages!” Izzie replied cheerfully.

“Yeah, hopefully! Which reminds me...what is the plan for the rest of the day?”

“Well I have two more exams today: accounting and contemporary dance. My contemporary dance final is a performance and she’s just going to go down the class roster in alphabetical order by our first names, so I should be done with that one fairly early. I don’t know if you need to run any errands or if you just want to remain here on campus for the next few hours while I take my finals, but if it’s alright with you, we can just head straight over to the concert as soon as I’m done with my accounting final. I can just text you when I’m done and you can meet me in the parking lot outside that building?”

“Yeah, that sounds great to me. I think I might just stay in the area, but go to the record shop down the street to waste some time before you’re ready for me to pick you up.” Rae added with a smile.

“Okay, that sounds perfect!”

“Great! Sounds like a plan,” Rae agreed with a wide grin.

The conversation died down again as Rae and Izzie finished their food and the waitress brought the check to their table for them to pay.

“I really am glad that you had fun chatting and drinking coffee with Finn on Monday! I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but there’s something different about you...you seem happier, perhaps.”

“Oh really? And you think Finn has something to do with that?” Rae asked as she quirked her eyebrows up in response.

“I think so, yes,” Izzie replied with a nod, “I can’t recall the last time you went on a date and had so many positive things to say about the entire experience.”

“Hmm...I suppose you’re right…” Rae agreed with a bit of hesitation.

“Not to mention, this entire time you haven’t tried correcting me to tell me that your ‘meet-up to pick up the concert tickets’ wasn’t a date, so…” Izzie’s statement trailed off and she gave Rae a cheeky smile.

Rae’s jaw dropped in surprised because until Izzie pointed it out, she hadn’t even been aware of Izzie referring to it as a date or why she didn’t feel the need to correct her.

***

As Rae walked through the door of the record shop, the bell above the door chimed loudly and the heavily tattooed cashier behind the counter looked up from the stack of CDs he was organizing to give her a nod and a smile.

“Welcome in to ‘Off the Record’, Rae! Are you looking for anything in particular today?”

“Good afternoon, David! I’m just looking around for now, thank you, but I’ll let you know if I have any questions.”

Rae had discovered this small, locally-owned record shop within the first year of starting Uni after taking a wrong turn when trying to find the restaurant she was meeting a friend at for dinner and since then she has always made it a point to stop in when they received a new shipment, when they were having a huge sale, when she was bored—basically any time she had the chance to.

As she always does when she visits Off the Record, Rae walked straight past the section of music entitled “New Releases” to the back corner of the store where what Rae considers to be the hidden gems are always found.

The entire back wall of the record shop consists of sections of CDs, records, and cassette tapes sorted by type under a large, hand-painted sign that read “Deals and Steals” to indicate that all these items were on clearance.

Rae began looking through all the records for something worth buying that she did not already own as Blink-182 blared from the speakers of the shop and she couldn't help the contented smile that spread across her face.

This shop—complete with slightly-too-loud music and somewhat stale, dusty smell of records and CDs that were as old as Rae if not older—is her happy place and the perfect escape from the stress of daily life.

Hmm...Have it, have it, don’t want it…

Maybe…

Have it...don’t want it…have it...

They put this on vinyl too? Hmm...I have the CD, but do I need the record as well?

When Rae finished looking through the section of records for anything that piqued her interest, she continued along the wall to the next section where all the discounted CDs were arranged by genre.

Unimpressed by the music she was finding that she did not already own, Rae began weaving her way through each aisle of records, CDs, and the small section of DVDs to see if anything caught her eye.

She was reading the synopsis to a horror movie that she was fairly certain she had never watched before when she felt her cell phone vibrating from within her back pocket. She pulled her phone from her pocket and looked at the screen.

INCOMING CALL FROM [UNKNOWN NUMBER]

Well, I have no clue who this could be...let’s see if they leave a message saying why they called.

When Rae did not see any indication that the person calling her was going to leave a message or call back, she began to slide her cell phone back into her pocket, but she felt her phone vibrating again with another call coming in.

INCOMING CALL FROM IZZIE<3

“Hey babes,” Rae said as soon as she picked up the phone, “I didn’t expect you to be calling me that you were done this soon! Did one of your professors cancel your exam or were they just a lot easier than you expected, so it was really quick?”

“Hey...Uh, not exactly...So,” Izzie began before pausing briefly to inhale and sniffle slightly, “please don’t freak out, Rae…”

Rae heard Izzie inhale unevenly again and her stomach sank when she realized why—Izzie was crying.

“Izz, please talk to me. Is everything alright? Please...what’s going on?” Rae asked, growing more frantic with every sniffle and muffled sound she heard going on in the background of the phone call even though Izzie was not speaking.

“Isabella, hand me your phone and let Grace help you into my car, okay?” Rae heard someone say in the background of the phone call before there was a shuffling and Rae knew that Izzie had handed someone else her phone.

“Hiya, Rae? Are you still there?” Asked the same voice she had heard earlier.

“Yeah, I’m here...Is Izzie alright? I thought I heard her crying when I first picked up the phone,” Rae asked with her voice heavy with concern.

“Oh, okay. I’m Gabriele and I’m in Izzie’s contemporary dance class. She fell really badly during her performance in class today,” the girl on the phone explained.

“Oh my god! Is she alright?” Rae asked as she put the small stack of movies and music she had been carrying around on the ‘reshelf’ stack at the end of the aisle she was walking down and began walking hurriedly outside to where her car was parked.

“We, uh, we don’t really know,” Gabriele's voice seemed calm but it was clear to Rae that she was just as concerned, “she wasn’t able to get up on her own after she fell and she can’t walk on that foot so me and another girl are taking her to A&E to have it looked at. Izzie said she didn’t have any family that she wanted to call, but she wanted me to call you and tell you what happened. Can you meet us at the hospital?”

“Yes, absolutely! I’m already getting in my car right now, so I’m only about 10 minutes away.”

Rae and Gabriele ended the phone call shortly afterwards and Rae began driving to the nearby hospital as fast as she could without breaking any laws or being reckless, desperate to see her best mate in-person and ensure that Izzie was not hurt as seriously as Rae’s worst fears were suggesting.

***

As soon as Rae had driven to the hospital and walked into the waiting room, she saw the two girls that she had presumed to be Grace and Gabriele sitting down in a pair of chairs across from the A&E check-in desk.

“Oh! You must be Rae,” said one of the girls as she noticed Rae walking further into the waiting room, “I’m Gabriele and we spoke on the phone a little while ago.”

“Yeah, I'm Rae. And you must be Grace?”

“Yeah, that's me. Thank you so much for meeting us here. We wanted to make sure that Izzie’s ankle got looked at by a doctor as soon as possible and we didn't want her to be alone, so she insisted that we call you.”

“Yeah, Izzie doesn't have any family in the area, so it made sense that she would try to call me. How is she doing, by the way? Is she back with the doctor now?”

“Well it's still very nice of you to come here. She's doing alright. She fell really hard at the end of her performance and she wasn't able to walk or stand without being in a lot of pain, so our dance instructor let Gabriele and I take her here to get looked at since we had both already finished our final performances for the day. They had her sit in a wheelchair and they just took her back for some x-rays and the initial exam shortly before you got here,” Grace explained.

“A wheelchair,” Rae replied with concern clear in her voice, “was Izzie really hurt that badly? I'm sure you two ladies would know better than I do, but do you think her injury is bad? I mean, dancers fall and sprain their ankles and stuff like that all the time, right?”

“Yeah, minor injuries are pretty common as dancers, but it was concerning how quickly she was in pain and how much the area had swollen and bruised in such a short time, so we wanted to be extra cautious just in case,” replied Gabriele after looking up at Rae from the screen of her cell phone.

“And the wheelchair was just an extra precaution because the nurses weren't sure the extent of the injury and she definitely couldn't walk on her own. That’s not to say Izzie agreed to using a wheelchair very willingly...she may be small, but she's a feisty one and she was definitely putting up a fight,” Grace added with a chuckle.

Rae smiled for the first time since she received the call from Gabriele asking that she meet them at the hospital.

Even when injured, Izz refuses to go down easily…

She makes me so proud sometimes.

“I guess that makes sense,” Rae replied when she noticed both Gabriele and Grace look up at the clock hanging on the wall, “I know you two were done with your dance finals, but do you have any other exams you need to do or anywhere you need to be?”

“I have work soon…” Grace replied.

“I have two more exams to take,” Gabriele said.

“In that case, I'm sure I can handle it from here. You two got Izzie here, but I can make sure she gets back to her apartment safely and has everything she'll need. You two can go ahead and leave if you need to be somewhere.”

“Are you sure?” Gabriele asked as she stood from the chair she was seated in and stretched.

“I'm positive. Thank you again for bringing Izzie here to get her ankle examined. I'll be sure to let you both know how she's doing later and what the doctor says about her injury.”

“Thank you, Rae! It was nice to meet you, although I wish it were under better circumstances.” Grace replied with a sad smile and Gabriele nodded in agreement.

Rae gave them a small smile and waved goodbye as Grace and Gabriele walked out the doors of the waiting room that led to the visitor’s parking lot.

Rae sat in the waiting room, idly scrolling through her social media feed and just barely paying attention the TV mounted on the wall opposite from Rae, as she waited impatiently to get an update on how her best mate was doing.

Rae was uncertain whether minutes or hours had passed, but after what seemed like an eternity, a reasonably young-looking doctor stepped through a door into the main waiting room area with a patient chart and a stack of x-ray images in his hands.

“Hello, are you Rae Earl?” he asked as he walked closer to greet her.

“Yes, doctor, I am! I’m here with Isabella Ross,” Rae said as she stood from the chair she had been sitting in, “can I see her?”

“Oh, yes, of course! We just got the results back from the x-rays we did and she requested that you join her to keep her company,” the doctor replied with a polite smile, “please follow me back. I’m Doctor Jackson, by the way!” he added with a smirk as he held the door open for Rae and led the way to the room where Izzie was.

Dr. Jackson led Rae down a long, winding hallway until he stopped outside a door that was left open slightly.

“Knock-knock! I have a surprise for a Miss Isabella Ross,” the doctor said as he knocked lightly on the heavy wooden door before stepping inside and gesturing for Rae to enter as well.

“Rae-Rae!” Izzie called as soon as she saw her mate walking through the door and pulling up a chair from the opposite side of the room to sit next to the exam table where Izzie sat with one leg bent and the other bandaged tightly and propped up somewhat awkwardly on a massive stack of pillows.

“Hiya Izz,” Rae said with a smile which quickly fell as she hesitated to find the right thing to say, “So Izz...what happened, babes?”

“Ugh, it was so embarrassing, Rae! I was in the middle of my contemporary dance performance and I was nearing the big leap towards the end and I was gearing up for the jump and I hesitated...why did I hesitate, Rae? So I paused for just the briefest of moments but it was enough time for me to lose my momentum and become distracted, but I went for the leap anyways. As soon as I pushed off the ground, I knew that my landing was going to be off—I could already feel it—but I followed through and sure enough! My foot touched down all wrong and I fell and landed on my ankle. If you ask Grace, she'll swear that she heard something snap, but I wouldn't trust her...she watches a couple seasons of that show with the really hot doctors and she swears she is a doctor too.” Izzie punctuated her statement with a scoff, which caused both Rae and Dr. Jackson to chuckle lightly.

“Did it hurt? Or does it still hurt?” Rae asked quietly.

“Yeah, it really hurt. I fall all the time and I thought I'd be fine, but I knew this fall was different when I couldn't even stand up or walk. I wanted to just sit out the rest of class and try to keep weight off the ankle, but my dance instructor said that she insisted I go to have my ankle looked at, so Grace and Gabriele drove me here. It still hurts, but this lovely man and his nurses,” Izzie said gesturing broadly to Dr. Jackson who was currently setting up the x-ray photos on the opposite side of the exam room to show her the results, “gave me some pain medication and have my ankle wrapped up very tightly and I'm feeling a lot better now!”

“I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Isabella,” the doctor replied as he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed casually over his chest, “we got the results for the x-ray we did, if you'd like to see the results? I'll show you what I see and then let you know what I think you should do in terms of aftercare and treatment to make sure you heal as quickly as possible, yeah?”

“Yeah, that sounds great, Doctor!” Izzie replied with a polite smile.

“Splendid! So right here, we have your right ankle and foot,” he said as he gestured to the x-rays that were set up on the X-ray film viewer on the wall, “and just by looking at your ankle, I don't see anything torn or broken, so it seems like it might just be a nasty sprain.”

“That's good news though, right?” Rae asked out of confusion when she saw the doctor hesitate as he thought of what he was going to say very carefully.

“Yes, I'm very pleased to see that there is no major damage to the ankle. But just a sprained ankle wouldn't really explain why her injury bruised and swelled up as much as it did and why she was in so much pain…”

“Oh…” Rae replied as she lowered her head and directed her attention towards examining her fingernails to help distract herself slightly.

“Yeah, I've had my fair share of sprains and they didn't feel like this...so what else are you thinking could explain what happened, Doctor?” Izzie asked as she absentmindedly brought one hand to her mouth and began nervously biting her nails.

“Okay, so I’ll explain what I'm seeing using all the awful medical jargon and terminology, and then I'll take it step by step and make sure you fully understand what I see in your x-rays, alright Isabella?”

“Sure thing, Doctor! That sounds good to me.”

“Okay, so right here,” he said as he used the end of his pen to point out the area of the x-ray he was focusing on, “that’s your fifth metatarsal. I had a couple theories about what it could be when you first came in here, but I can say with a great deal of certainty that you have an avulsion fracture to your fifth metatarsal...an injury that coincidentally is called a ‘dancer’s fracture’”

Izzie and Rae nodded processing what Dr. Jackson said before Izzie finally cleared her throat and spoke up.

“So...what exactly does that mean? Is it a fairly common injury? I’m a bit surprised that I’ve never heard of it prior to today,”

“It’s not incredibly common, no. When I do see this particular fracture though, it is almost always in addition to a sprained ankle as a result of sudden trauma like rolling or twisting your ankle. Essentially, a dancer’s fracture just means that because of some type of trauma, a ligament attached to your bone right here, “ Dr. Jackson said as he pointed to that part of the x-ray using his pen, “got pulled very hard and very suddenly and it breaks off a piece of the bone with it.”

“Fuck...oh, sorry!” Rae muttered when she realized that she had cursed louder than she had planned.

“It’s perfectly fine! I know that this kind of injury sounds pretty gruesome when all she did was fall while dancing, but it’s not as scary as it sounds, I promise. As long as she takes care of herself, I think Isabella will be back to dancing rather quickly.” Dr. Jackson replied with a smirk.

“Will I need surgery? You know, to reset the little piece of bone that got broken off when I fell?” Izzie asked hesitantly.

“I know this isn’t the news you’re looking to hear, but it’s too early to tell. This isn’t the worst avulsion fracture like this I’ve seen, but it still might require us to operate and put pins in the bone if it doesn’t go back to where we need it to be as quickly as we would like. The fifth metatarsal is sort of an unlucky place to get an avulsion fracture just because there is so little blood flow to that area of the foot, so there can be complications with healing in some cases and the healing process takes a bit longer. For now, however, you’re going to have to keep weight off of that foot and ankle and you’re gonna need to make sure you immobilize the ankle to prevent things from getting any worse. I’ll send the nurse in to talk to you about the specifics of your treatment and get you set up with a walking boot to leave today, but you're also going to need to get some crutches and use them for the next few weeks. Do you have any further questions for me before I send her in?” the doctor asked as he removed the x-rays from the x-ray image viewer and added them into a pile on top of Izzie’s patient chart.

“Is there any type of a follow-up appointment so you can check the healing progress and see if surgery will be necessary?” Izzie asked.

“Ah, yes, of course! I’d like to you come back in about two weeks and I’ll take a look at your ankle to see if there is anything additional that needs to be done, but you’re free to come in sooner than that if anything feels off or you’re concerned about how it’s healing,” Dr. Jackson replied with a friendly smile.

“Okay, that’s the only question I had,” Izzie added politely.

“Splendid! I’ll send in Emily to give you any last minute treatment tips and healing suggestions shortly. Take care of yourself, Isabella!”

“Thank you, doctor!”

When Doctor Jackson walked out of the room, Rae’s eyes lingered on the door that he had gently closed behind himself as he walked out of the room as the tense silence of the room grew to nearly palpable levels.

Rae was trying to find the right words to say to comfort Izzie.

To make everything okay again.

To reassure Izzie that everything was going to be fine.

But the fact of the matter was that Rae wasn’t sure she could say those things to her best mate if she didn’t quite believe them herself.

“Izz...babes...I—uh,” Rae began in a quiet voice, but the way her voice cut through the silence of the room, it felt like she was screaming.

Before Rae could collect her thoughts and complete a coherent sentence, she heard a small whimper coming from Izzie and she looked over to see Izzie with her head turned up toward the ceiling as silent tears streamed down her face.

“Oh, Izzie…” Rae said as she stood up from the chair she was sitting in and tried to find an edge of the hospital exam table that she could sit on without disturbing Izzie’s injured ankle.

Izzie realized what Rae was trying to do and shifted to one side of the table with a small grunt before Rae took a seat in the space that was freed up on the exam table and pulled Izzie into a gentle hug.

Rae looked down at Izzie as she settled into the embrace and continued to sob quietly and Rae could hardly believe that this was the same feisty, cheerful red-headed girl that had been heckling her for details about her coffee date with Finn on Monday mere hours ago.

Oh, Izzie…

She looks so fragile and vulnerable and...breakable…

Rae began rubbing soothing circles on Izzie’s back until she felt Izzie’s sobs slow before stopping altogether and Izzie removed herself from Rae’s embrace until they remained sitting close and Rae’s arm was only lightly draped across Izzie’s shoulders.

“Rae…”

“What is it, babes?”

“Rae...I’m attending Uni on a dance scholarship…”

Rae was unsure why Izzie would bring this up in conversation when Rae has been fully aware of Izzie’s love of dance and interest to attend Uni here for their highly-esteemed dance program since long before they even started Uni.

“...what if my ankle doesn’t heal…”

“Izzie, I’m sure that—”

“I’ve fallen plenty of times. I’ve sprained things, twisted things, you name it...but I’ve never fractured or broken anything since I started dancing…what if it doesn’t heal fast enough and they drop me from the Dance Program and I lose my scholarship...or what if I need to get surgery and even then it doesn’t heal properly and I can never dance again…”

Izzie was no longer crying as she rambled and thought up all the worst-case scenarios that were possible, but when she finally stopped and remained sitting in silence, Rae leaned her head to rest it on Izzie shoulder before chuckling lightly, which caught Izzie’s attention.

“What are you thinking about, Rae-Rae?”

“Do you remember when we wanted to go to that rave at the end of summer when we were sixteen?”

“Of course I remember, babes...me, you, Chloe, and all the rest of our friends had the entire thing planned out to down to the minute, but we didn’t plan on your mum finding out and not allowing you to come with us…”

“So I decided that I was going to sneak out. I waited until my mum went up to her bedroom for the night and I was going to climb out of my window and sneak out that way…”

“But it had been raining most of the day and the ledge you were counting on to step on when you climbed out was really slippery, so you just stayed hanging there as still as possible to try to think of a better plan. But then Chloe, me, and some of the others pulled up to your house to pick you up because we had assumed that you would have successfully snuck out by that point…”

“But Chloe had turned off the lights on her car to try to be stealthier and when she rolled down her window and called my name, I was surprised and I lost my footing…”

“Chloe and I freaked out and wanted to make sure that you were alright, but Jenny had already started to pregame and drink and she was screaming in the backseat about how you had died and how she was too young to go to prison for accidentally killing you…”

“And I had fallen hard, but I was laying in my mum’s flower bushes because I was ashamed that I had just fallen off the side of my house in front of so many people. But as I laid on the wet flowers that had taken the brunt of my fall and were terribly mangled, I saw you and Chloe walk up and take my hands to help pull me to my feet…”

“We made sure you were alright, and you said you were, but I saw you wincing every time you moved your right arm and you had a lot of different scrapes and cuts from falling into the flower bushes. You insisted on going to the rave anyways because you didn’t want to be a buzzkill, and Chloe agreed because you assured her that you were fine…”

“But you refused to let me get into Chloe’s car and you stood in front of the door saying that neither you nor I were going to that rave until my wounds were tended to. I said that I couldn’t go to the doctor because my mum is a nurse and she would be notified immediately, so you walked with me back to your house…”

“I made my dad pinky-swear that he wouldn’t tell any of his doctor friends or the nurses that he worked with that you had been hurt, but he didn’t ask any questions and helped clean up your wounds without hesitation. I was convinced that you had broken your arm or something really bad because you had fallen so far…”

“But all I had was the scratches and a massive bruise on my right arm and right arse cheek because I had hit the ground on my right side. After my cuts were all cleaned up, you offered to let me spend the night at your house as long as I called my mum and told her what happened so she wouldn’t worry. So I agreed begrudgingly and when I called her, do you remember what she said, Izzie?”

“She didn’t say anything because she was laughing so hard...she told you that she had expected you to try to leave or sneak out so she had gone up to her room extra early and made sure that you thought it was safe for you to leave. But she didn’t plan on you going out the window. She saw you fall and knew that the thing you bruised the worst was your ego and she just kept watching until she saw you and me walking to my house together.”

“Yeah...I’m surprised you remember that night so well, Izzie. It was nearly five years ago!”

“Of course I remember, Rae! That’s the night when I knew that we were officially best mates.”

There was a brief moment of silence between the two girls as they sat next to each other before Rae reached for Izzie’s hand and Izzie intertwined their fingers together.

“We made it through that...even when the next morning your dad and my mum insisted that I get some of the deeper wounds stitched up and I had to wear that sling on my arm for a couple weeks because it turned out I had hurt my shoulder more than I had led on at first...and we’re gonna make it through this too. I know how much you hate being hurt and having to take a break from dancing, but we’re gonna figure this out.”

“I know we will, Rae. Thank you for putting up with me.”

“Thank you for putting up with me too, Izz.”

Rae stood up from where she was sitting on the exam table beside Izzie and returned to the chair she had been sitting in previously when there was a gentle knock on the door before it opened slowly.

“Hi, Isabella! Dr. Jackson sent me in to give you some aftercare information and to help you get set up for a check-up in a couple weeks,” the nurse said as she walked into the room.

“Ah! Yes of course, Emily, thank you!” Izzie said as she readjusted her position on the exam table to be a bit more comfortable.

***

The nurse proceeded to go over the recommended treatments for Izzie and to making sure that Izzie knew what to expect in terms of pain, swelling, and other symptoms of her sprained ankle and fracture to ensure that Izzie would heal as completely and quickly as possible before the nurse left the room again to get Izzie’s walking boot.

Once Izzie put on the walking boot and secured the Velcro fasteners tightly enough so the boot served its purpose, Rae was asked to pull her car around to the back of the building and the nurse would meet her back there with Izzie to avoid making Izzie walk more than necessary.

Rae navigated the long winding hallway until she finally made it back to the A&E waiting room and out to the parking lot to where her car was parked.

Rae put on her seat belt and leaned her head back on the headrest of her seat, heaving a long sigh.

Well...today definitely did not go as planned…

Rae put her key into the ignition and started her car before pulling out of the parking space and driving around to the opposite side of the building where she saw a very disgruntled looking Izzie in a wheelchair being wheeled to the curb by the nurse.

“I told her that I didn’t need a wheelchair again, but Emily forced me into it,” Izzie said to Rae when Rae stepped out of the driver’s seat of the car and opened the door for Izzie to climb in, “she doesn’t think that I could have walked on my own, but I know that I could!”

“I know that you could have done it, Isabella. You’re a very strong girl. But still,” the nurse said as she offered her arm to Izzie for support as she stood from the wheelchair and limped the very short distance to Rae’s car, “how many people can say that they were pushed around in a wheelchair with nurses doting on them to avoid causing even the slightest bit of discomfort...that’s at least a little bit cool, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose…” Izzie said as she adjusted the seat she was sitting in to ensure that she had enough legroom and was seated in a comfortable position.

“Thank you for taking such good care of my mate, Emily. Have a nice day!” Rae said as she waved goodbye to the nurse before walking around to the driver’s side of the car.

“You’re very welcome. Enjoy the rest of your day and you two ladies take care of yourselves, alright?” Emily said before turning around and walking back to the rear door of the building with the now vacant wheelchair in tow.

Rae turned on some music on her car stereo as she starting driving and winding her way through the back parking lot of the hospital to find the parking lot entrance and get back onto the main road.

“Oh shit! Rae!” Izzie said as she turned to face her mate with her eyes opened wide, panic clear on her face.

“Wow, okay,” Rae muttered in surprise at her mate’s sudden exclamation and the sound of her friend cursing, “What’s wrong, Izz?”

“What if I failed my dance final? I mean, I was pretty much done with my performance by the time I fell since it was towards the end of my performance, but…”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much, babes. Like you said, you were pretty much done by the time you got hurt, so I’m sure you’ll just get graded on what you did prior to that and I’m sure you’ll be fine. Also, since you injured yourself DURING your final performance, you might even get some extra credit points from your instructor out of pity, not that you’d even need it,” Rae joke as she gave Izzie’s arm a gentle nudge with her elbow.

“Yeah, I hope you’re right...wait, shit! I missed my Accounting exam too,” Izzie exclaimed again as she buried her face into her hands, “why did today take such a turn for the worse, Rae-Rae?”

“Aw, babes, I’m so sorry. I’m sure you can reach out to your professor and explain what happened. He might be able to schedule a make-up exam time or find a way to make this work out, since your situation clearly constitutes as ‘extenuating circumstances’,” Rae reasoned in an effort to assuage her mate’s concerns.

“Well, let’s hope so or else I definitely won’t be passing Accounting this semester!”

Rae continued driving, deep in thought as she tried to figure out how to help Izzie make the best of the current situation, while Izzie pulled her cell phone from her pocket and began texting her family to let them know what had happened today since she knew they would find out sooner or later anyways.

“Yes, mum, I heard that entire spiel from the doctor and the nurse at the hospital, but tell dad that I appreciate the advice nonetheless...uh-huh...I know that you two just want to help, but I think I’ll be fine to stay in the city for the summer...well, of course Rae is staying here with me too...okay...alright...uh-huh...okay mum, I’ll tell her,” Izzie said into her phone before turning to face Rae, “Rae, mum and dad want to say ‘hi’ and tell you that they love you and miss you and that they’re so happy that you’re here to take care of me in their place.”

“Aw, your parents are so sweet, Izzie! Tell them that I say ‘hi’ back and that I miss them too. Maybe we can drive back home for a weekend this summer so I can see my mum and you and I can spend some time with your parents...see if they’d like something like that?”

“Alright, I’ll ask,” Izzie said before returning her attention back to her cell phone where she had been talking to her parents on the phone for nearly twenty minutes so far, “Rae says ‘hi’ to you and dad too. She said she really misses you both and she wanted to know if we were to come back home for a weekend this summer if you two would like to join us for a meal and we could all spend the day together? Uh, okay, mum...I’ll just take that loud squeal as a ‘yes’...I don’t know exactly when it will be, but either Rae or I will be sure to let you know...okay mum, I’ll let you go now, but I just wanted to make sure that you and Dad knew that I was alright...uh-huh...yeah, I love both of you too. Okay, I’ll talk to you and Dad later! Bye!”

“Your parents are so cute!” Rae said with a smile as soon as she saw that Izzie had ended the phone call.

“Yeah...they positively adore you, I hope you know that,” Izzie replied with a chuckle.

“I do,” Rae said before shooting Izzie a smirk, “and I adore them right back!”

Rae pulled into a parking space right in front of her apartment and she saw Izzie look around in confusion before turning to face Rae directly and cocking her head to the side.

“I figured that it’d be best if I took you back to my apartment instead of yours, since my apartment is on the first floor. You live on the third story of a building and there are no elevators, and I don’t think that going up and down the stairs would be good for you until you’ve healed at least a little bit more.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right...I didn’t even think of that!”

Rae turned off her car and walked around to the other side to help Izzie get out of the car. Izzie slung an arm around Rae’s shoulders and allowed Rae to pull her into a standing position, being careful not to rest her weight on her injured ankle or foot.

The pair walked at a slow pace from Rae’s car to the front door of Rae’s apartment where she let go of Izzie briefly to find her keys that had become lost in the mess of her purse and unlock the door. Rae helped Izzie inside and to the couch along the opposite wall of her small apartment.

“So Izzie...do you wanna watch a movie for a bit?”

Rae and Izzie selected a random movie to watch that they had never heard of before, but within the first twenty minutes of the movie, Rae looked to the opposite side of the couch where Izzie was sitting with her injured ankle propped up on a stack of pillows they had piled on top of a chair and found that Izzie had fallen asleep.

Rae continued watching the movie—only partially paying attention to the actual plot of the movie as it mainly served as background noise while she scrolled through social media on her phone and texted Grace and Gabriele to let them know what the doctor had said and to give them an update on how Izzie was doing now.

When the movie ended and the end credits began scrolling along the screen, Rae heard a quiet squeak and rustle as Izzie awoke and stretched her arms over her head as she slowly became more coherent.

“Oh...that was such a good movie, Rae-Rae,” Izzie muttered sleepily as she rubbed her eyes lightly, “don’t you think?”

“It was actually pretty shit...there were too many plot holes and confusing bits to follow along with the story if you weren’t fully focused on the movie.” Rae replied with a grimace.

“Oh...I guess I can’t really attest to the quality of the movie, since I’m pretty sure I slept through most of it…” Izzie said sheepishly.

“Yeah, you did, but that’s fine. You had a really long, stressful day and I think you really needed some rest.”

Izzie smiled at Rae and leaned over to rest her head on Rae’s shoulder as Rae looked through the various movies that were available for streaming.

“Rae...what time is it? We were supposed to see Kings and Queens perform tonight! Do you think we can still make it there in time to catch the tail end of their performance at least?”

“Don’t worry about it, Izz...there will be other shows, so it’s fine if we miss just this one,”

“But what about Finn? He’s gonna—”

“He’s gonna understand why you needed me here with you. I’ll text him and let him know what happened in a little while that way he knows that we didn’t forget that they were performing or completely skip the show or whatever. It’s totally fine, really.”

“Okay...thank you, Rae-Rae! You’re too good to me,”

“Of course, babes. I know you’d do the same if the roles were reversed,” Rae was about to say something else when she heard Izzie’s stomach growl loudly and both girls began to chuckle.

“Sorry about that,” Izzie apologized when her giggles subsided.

“That was actually sort of perfect timing because I was going to ask if you wanted to order some takeaway...but I’m gonna take that as a ‘yes’”

“Yes! Yes, please. I’ve starving,” Izzie said and her eyes lit up at the mere mention of food.

“Alright...I’ll let you pick what we eat today,”

“Chinese takeaway, pretty please?” Izzie replied without any hesitation

“Why am I not at all surprised? Alright, but only because you got hurt today and I’m trying to be extra nice to you” Rae said with a sigh and joking eye roll, “I’ll go ahead and give them a call. Do you want your usual orange chicken and fried rice?”

“Yes, please! Oh! And, uh, can we get some of those really good, steamed pork dumplings as well?”

“Sure thing,” Rae replied with a smile as she stood up from the couch.

“And some egg rolls?”

“Wow, you really weren’t kidding about being hungry,” Rae said with a light chuckle when she saw the sheepish grin on Izzie’s face, “Okay, if that’s everything that you’re gonna want to order, I’ll go ahead and call it in.”

“Uh, yeah, that should be enough food, I think!” Izzie said with a laugh.

“Alright, I’ll be right back!”

Rae grabbed her cell phone off of the coffee table where she had set it down earlier while watching the movie and went into the kitchen to get the phone number to the Chinese food restaurant that she and Izzie ordered from on occasion.

After she placed the order and grabbed a couple bottles of water from her fridge for her and Izzie, Rae hesitated in the doorway of her kitchen before walking back in the direction of the front room where Izzie was currently trying to find a comfortable way to sit on the couch that would also allow her ankle to remain elevated.

Well...this was certainly not how I had envisioned tonight going...

@eveerez @tinakegg @hey1tskat1e @lurkernolonger @milllott @nutinanutshell @i-dream-of-emus @milymargot @vivammfd @bitchesbecrazy89 @arathewallflower @mallyallyandra @kneekeyta

A/N: Please don’t hate me for doing this to our beloved Izzie! :/ I’m fairly certain that no one saw this chapter coming, but for the last few chapters of this fic to play out how I want them to, it had to be done...

This chapter, to put it bluntly, was a fucking pain in the ass to write lol

I’m very detail-oriented and as I wrote this I wanted to be as accurate as possible and I can honestly say that I have never done so much research for a fanfic that I’ve written (for this fandom, at least, but that’s a whole different matter entirely)...This chapter was equal parts first-hand experiences, my friends’ experiences, and information I gathered from my research.

Gathering the ideas for this chapter was no problem, but pulling it all together and making it not completely terrible was the actual challenge. This chapter is also insanely long...well, sort of...it’s like 8500-ish words, but for me that’s a lot longer than my usual chapters are, so yeah...

Although this chapter wasn’t particularly kind to Izzie (sorry about that haha) I really had fun exploring hers and Rae’s relationship a bit more...As much as I love MMFD and think highly of the show, I would have loved if it was longer and delved a bit deeper into the lives of some of the other main characters (only half of the characters were even given last names, to my knowledge, for fuck’s sake!), but I digress...

As much as I want to say that I’ll be posting the next chapter very soon to help you all move past the drama of this chapter to the fun stuff and the happy ending (”DID SARAH JUST HINT AT A HAPPY ENDING ON THE HORIZON?!?!” why yes, yes I did...), I’ll be completely candid and let you know that I don’t see that as a realistic goal...the current semester of Uni is rapidly coming to a close for me and that means that I’ll be having all of my final projects and exams in the upcoming weeks and I’m already struggling to keep up and get my grades back to where I want them to be as it is, even without the pressure of writing and posting the final 3 chapters of this fic.

I promise that I will be writing and I’ll post what I have as soon as it’s done, but I simply do not foresee that I will be able to get back to my prior twice a week posting that I had been doing when I began this fic...

If you have any comments, questions, concerns, etc. related to this chapter (or anything, I suppose), feel free to let me know! I see EVERY message, ask, reply, and reblog and I try to let you all know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read my writing and tell me what you think, but just know that seeing your feedback never fails to make my day/morning/week/whatever infinitely better.

I don’t know why I have a tendency to ramble in my Author’s notes, but whatever...anyways...Until next time: Stay awesome, my friends! :)

#mmfd #my mad fat diary #mmfd fanfic #my mad fat diary fanfiction #Finn-Nelson-for-the-win #my writing #Before the World Stops Turning #part 7 #the concert series

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omg-elfi-why · 4 years

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Tomorrow I would pick up my new huge plant but the woman who wanted to sell it to me got sick so no plants for tomorrow. I will just pick up some fruits and maybe vegetables and then go to the uni. Maybe I will stay at some places and learn a bit for my philosophy and Theater exams.. or make my tattoo homework what would be also great because I haven’t done anything since two weeks. It’s hard for me to go out but it’s even harder to stay in so maybe it’s better if I will go out. Pretty hard that I doesn’t feel comfortable no matter what, but in two weeks there would be a little bit of peace in my (?) house. My narcisstic father will go back to his actual home for less then a month but it’s still better than living with him and dealing with one more disorder every day (even when it’s not mine disorder and he don’t want to deal with any of them not mine not his). My friend told me I should just don’t give a fuck about him. But how can a borderlined doughter don’t give a fuck about her narcisstic father? Impossible. But I still wanna die to often because I have no other opportunity to left this house. But even then my mom will suffer. No matter what I do she will suffer from my father. It’s such a hard fucking bloody hard situation which is making me feel like I have to starve to bring back the control all over my life and also I have to hate myself because I cannot do anything for me or my mom or even my father to make is feel better. I wish I would be in a 90th movie, a difficult teenager and I could just run away from home. Too bad I am 21yo and living in a country which don’t want me to be here that much so I have to fight for the opportunity to stay here.

#borderline diary #bordelrine #npd #narcisstic personality disorder #bpd #narcisstic #psychology #suicide is not an option #loveyoursef #loveyourseffirst #freeyourself

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kiermasz · 7 years

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Less than half a year ago I was planning on killing myself

I never really fully understood the idea of being your own person without parents or anyone in general telling you what to do I used to tell people it’s obvious and they should act with their own moral compass but I wanted to leave my shithole city my entire life and I was stuck there anyway because of our income and my grandparents not believing in my capabilities enough to let me be on my own and I was so alone and I had no proper direction anymore

Things were getting worse and worse and worse and I knew I hated my study group and I hated still living with my mom and I hated the quality of the uni I was in and the subjects and the building and that stupid lack of inspiraton and LOVE towards life itself

I remember locking myself in the school bathroom during an important exam sitting on a toilet smoking a cigarette and writing a farewell note more to myself than to all those that could’ve cared for me it was may somewhere around that period of time and what I remember the most is that sudden realization I had that I’m nothing without my love for life my passion for exploring my always present urge to meet new people and cherish them the feeling that there’s so much more to discover and it was all gone for me

That day I decided that I wanted to get hit by a car

But then I thought that if I have to die and I made peace with that then I can go ahead and fuck up my own life as if it was my farewell project and try to make it work again that one last time because what else can happen if I’ll leave soon and I won’t regret it anyhow if I’ll fail real bad

So I spent around 100$ which was all the money me and my family had until 15th of the next month without their knowledge of the above on painting and drawing supplies and uni admission that was double cost because of the exams that I was about to take despite the fact that the last time I actually tried to draw was 10 years ago but I thought hey chill it’s nice you can do something fun and dangerous and most certainly ruin your whole month but who cares anymore you’ll die anyway

So I had a week and a half to create 8 pieces completely not knowing how to draw ANYTHING and I had to create them on a fuckin B2 PAPER SIZE and I had so much fun doing this and I invested my time and energy on doing something completely out of scratch and I loved every second of it and somewhat around 5 days later I ended up having my famous inspiration and joy BACK and I thought hey it’s pretty nice and I like doing this the sun is shining the music is funky I’m proud of myself so now let me try acrylic fuckin paint and let me tell you acrylic fuckin paint is the almost lover that you constantly long for

So yeah I put my 8 pieces in the bus and I sat my ass there and I thought what the fuck are you doing seriously WHAT THE FUCK it was such a nice change from being responsible but it somehow felt right and great and exciting and new and fresh so I got to the uni and spent 3 days on feeling up and down up and down because I was so much worse than fellow students that knew their artsy shit and I was SURE i couldn’t stand a chance and they’ll eliminate me as soon as I take my stretcher out of the bag

I remember taking a ride home on the bus slowly going back to my depressed shell yet again and the high kind of wearing off and then I got a text from a new friend asking if I got in or not and I checked and I fuckin did somehow????

And I cried tears of happiness for the first time in my life

My granny was proud of me when I told her too she said she’s proud of me and that I’m the only ambitious kid in this crazy family and if she helps anyone financially it’d be me

For the first time in a year my life felt RIGHT again

The point of this long ass post is that doing something strange and out of place is sometimes the best solution and going out of your comfort zone is the greatest fuckin high you’ll ever be on and if you feel like you’re going to kill yourself just do everything as if nothing mattered and there was no tomorrow

It’s such a fuckin cliche but I just had to live through it to fully understand it

#personal

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kelasparmak · 7 years

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euuhghghhh i keep realising more and more mistakes i made in my last piece of examined work, i think i might have fucked it up enough to actually fail that module. not just cause it was a shit essay (which it was) but i think i forgot to cite something that was a pretty important point, and if i did then that’s plagiarism which would probably mean i’d fail even if it was a good essay. and on this course failing any module means you get kicked out, even though by the time we get our results for it there’ll only be like a month left. and i can’t even go check cause i don’t have a copy.

i might get leniency bc i did really really well in the first piece of coursework and even better in the exams (like not to brag but i did really well, the grad rep told us all ‘don’t worry if your marks are in the 60s, it's just cause they’re out of 85, it sounds low but the highest mark i’ve ever heard of someone getting was a 75′ and i’m there with my 76, 79 and 80 like ‘...welp, ok’). and i did let my supervisor know that i’ve had really bad Depression Brain for the past few weeks (btw it is super fun to have to tell ur highly respected super intimidating supervisor who makes fun of everyone all the time ‘hey pls dont be mad that i keep fucking up, it’s just that i constantly want to die and i spend 50% of the time curled up in a ball crying, which limits my efficiency’).

but also i don’t think they can be very lenient or people would just say ‘yah but get this, i have depression’ every time they did badly on an assignment. and if your mental health is bad enough to make you fail a paper you’re supposed to just intermit but it’s too late to intermit now since it’s a one-year course that ends in two months.

it doesn’t really matter if i get kicked out i guess because i don’t actually need an mphil for anything, and i wasn’t gonna apply for a phd anyway, and i got funding from the uni so it’s not like i spent a load of money on it. so like, i wouldn’t mind it if i’d just decided to drop out on my own terms because of my mental health, but i don’t want to get kicked out because of it, especially over a piece of coursework that was supposed to be the easiest one of the entire year.

#personal #bluh bluh gabe's a baby #it's absolutely not the end of the world if i fail #it's not even a big deal long term #but also i will definitely feel like it's the end of the world #in fact i already do #being good at school is the one thing i have going for me! if i fail this i will never ever be capable of success again #anyway i don't really wanna talk about this but i needed to vent. so. there we are.#in other news it's very sunny today and that's nice

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thesecondmate · 3 years

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reading: wk50-52

3 weeks + 3 journal entries for how i was gonna start this post. in essence: goodbye 2020, my god has it been a rollercoaster, albeit one sloping gently downhill into familiar melancholy. i never thought i’d feel like this again, yet it’s like slipping into a warm ocean where i can float forever, safe in the salt and waves lapping at my face.

stay tuned a ‘best of 2020′ list and what i want to read next year that isn’t my damn textbooks. and maybe some personal updates depending on how much wine i drink this evening. happy new year, my loves.

week 50: penultimate week of o+g rotation: i would say the end is in sight but in fact i have lost all motivation, hate my degree (well, specifically, the course administration), had a breakdown outside my exam followed by the most embarrassing brain freeze ever during a panel discussion that i was speak on, took several days to reply to everyone about said exam breakdown, am convinced i will fail my 5th year exams, aaaand dealt with all of this by handpainting christmas cards all saturday. welcome 2 the fun house !

week 51: final week of placement: i struggled through the final week of my placement (literally popped into my placement for 2 hours to have a tutorial, get signed off, and collect my things), failed my mock osce, and went home. so unbelievably drained.

week 52: christmas & post-christmas liminality: feeling vaguely restored by the virtue of reading many books, watching many movies, curling up by the fire, eating many christmas cookies, and having barely any social interaction outside of my family and our cat and dog. still absolutely drained; still very terrified of my next placement and of failing this year. all i want is to move to a city where no one knows me and i can be something new, but alas. eighteen months until i graduate; forty-two until i finish my foundation programme and can truly set off into the big blue yonder of the world.

books

✩ The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo - Steig Larsson (finished) so i actually would have much preferred this to have kept its original swedish title, ‘män som hatar kvinnor’ (’men who hate women’) - it’d have been less manic pixie dream girl and more reflective of larsson’s point, even if larsson is v guilty of the former. it’s a good book - larsson’s grasp of plot is really excellent and i really enjoyed the twists and turns, even if the pacing of the big reveal was a little too rushed for my liking. however, i find his characters a little off - many of them are great, especially berger & henrik vanger, but i find blomkvist a little self-insert at times (he’s a financial journalist! but not like other financial journalists! and he has a sexy editor lady with whom he has an open relationship! and he sleeps with this cool hacker girl who immediately trusts him!), and lisbeth is...very ‘traumatised manic pixie cyberpunk girl’ if you ask me. which is a little uncomfortable. also not to mention the rape scene - which is vile. overall: good, intrigued to see if larsson will flesh lisbeth out to be less of a caricature in the sequels.

✩ The Orphan Master’s Son - Adam Johnson (finished) this book has lost none of its magic for me, absolutely none. if anything, re-reading it a few years later has made me appreciate so many things: the characters (even more than before! if that’s possible!!), the abject heartbreak of the second mate and his wife, the trip to texas (i got far more out of the political side this time), the relationships in the camps (the captain of the junma and li mongnan - hold me whilst my heart BREAKS), the way that johnson plays with narrative from the loudspeakers to the interrogator to the dreamlike quality of jun do’s own new life in pt 2. as a teenager, i was fascinated by the setting, the double-farce of the propaganda vs life, the passages about the second mate’s wife and her silken yellow dress - i thought that jun do was a bland narrator, which i now see couldn’t have been further from the truth. i have so, so much respect for johnson as an author and this book really is a formative part of who i am, in ways that i could not express.

✩ Dark Matter - Michelle Paver (finished) another re-read. michelle paver is the queen of ghost stories and things that go bump in the night (see: spirit walker in the chronicles of ancient darkness) - this book absolutely terrified me the first time that i read it, so i made a point of finishing it in the daytime this time. perhaps that’s why it didn’t hit as hard this time - it was less terrifying. however, really appreciating her choice to make the narrator gay, without ever making a deal out of it or naming it - it’s the lil things like working class arctic explorers being disgustingly in love with their charismatic expedition leaders, ya know? big fan. also huge fan of her descriptive prose - she is also the queen of arctic imagery. her prose, combined with the gorgeous black and white photos at the start of each chapter, have not helped my desire to sack it all off and go work as a doctor in the faroe islands or iceland.

✩ The Diet Myth - Spector (on hold) i left this book at uni bc i didn’t want to ruin my own christmas with his awful writing style, if you want an indication of how much i dislike this book.

✩ Smoke Gets In Your Eyes - Caitlin Doughty (in progress) a christmas gift that i’m currently reading. i’m so morbid and am learning so much, although i feel like some of the chapters are burbling on with anecdotes but don’t hammer home many points (although maybe it’s bc as a medical student i’m less easily shocked than your average reader) - bit confused as to where we’re going but i’m along for the ride.

✩ Calling a Wolf a Wolf - Kaveh Akbar (in progress) beautiful. in progress - his imagery is quite beautiful but i struggle to sit and read poetry.

✩ The Secret History - Donna Tartt (in progress) re-read. i sink back into old books like familiar lovers, like hot baths. so much comfort.

films

✩ Dead Poets Society (1989) why were the deleted scenes deleted. WHY. rewatching it, i felt some of the character development and relationship development was a little rushed - yet the deleted scenes could have fixed that. WHY WERE WE ROBBED. as ever, emotionally devastated as someone who loves languages and books and words, but ultimately chose medicine and science. as ever, very very sad over neil perry and aching for todd anderson. newfound appreciation for meeks + dalton. that punch at the end? *chef’s kiss*

✩ Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) i am inducting my sisters into lotr and they are powerless to stop me.

✩ Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince (2009) my favourite of the hp movies.

✩ Atonement (2007) this film and i have a long history - i first saw the start of it many years ago, when i did not know what c*nt meant, so was understandably a little bit lost, but also keira knightley in that green dress was a true gay awakening moment. i love the cinematography - it’s so ridiculously dreamlike and gorgeous, and the set design for the house is just beautiful. as are keira knightley and james mcavoy. also, the soundtrack with the use of the typewriters and lighters as drumbeats - my GOD, so beautiful. the second half of the film felt very rushed to me - the reveal that some of it was briony’s fiction made sense, but it lacked the stunning quality of the first half, both plot-wise and camera-wise (although the dunkirk scene was brilliant; love a long, revolving camera pan). i particularly hated every scene with briony in it - v lacklustre - and also the scene with luc remembering cecilia, it just felt forced and gimmicky. the novel definitely wins out for me.

podcasts

i haven’t listened to any podcasts in a while, bar a few episodes of the magnus archives whilst cooking and running errands, BUT i did record one!! the episode will be up in the new year but we have a few back episodes on Right to Refuge, which covers refugee/asylum issues and is by the charity that i work for!

articles: medicine / nature

✩ Mass die-off of birds in south-western US 'caused by starvation' - Phoebe Weston, The Guardian

✩ Eradicating Female Genital Mutilation/Cutting: Human Rights-Based Approaches of Legislation, Education, and Community Empowerment - Williams-Breault (2018), Health Hum Rights i just finished my obstetrics & gynaecology rotation and was appalled by the prevalence of FGM/C in the UK and wanted to learn more. this article is truly excellent in terms of understanding cultural issues and barriers to ending FGM/C.

✩ Female Genital Mutilation: Health Consequences and Complications—A Short Literature Review - Klein et al. (2018), Obstet Gynecol Int. a short america-centric lit review that i read whilst writing up my reflective pieces - not as good as the above one but has more (horrifying) statistics: 200 million women affected worldwide; 6,000 girls cut each day; 85% will have some form of medical complication in their lives, from psychological/sexual to gynaecological to obstetric including death; estimated death rate of 1 in 500; 60.5% of affected women reported fear when their spouse wanted sex compared to 2.4% of unaffected women.

✩ Gender equality and human rights approaches to female genital mutilation: a review of international human rights norms and standards - Khosla et al. (2017), Reprod Health intersection of two things i spend a lot of time thinking about: human rights & medicine. interesting - to re-read again and consider and learn more about things like treatment-monitoring bodies, etc.

✩ The macho sperm myth - Robert D Martin, Aeon a wonderful friend sent me this! i am somewhat lost by the meandering course of the article but interesting points are raised. also the idea that some scientist was like ‘i absolutely KNOW that the heads of sperm contain tiny homunculi; i cannot see them but they are THERE’ is just hilarious.

articles: covid-19 nb: i am not linking every covid article i read bc that would be so depressing but rest assured i’m up to date on a surface level. i am not on a medical level bc i am emotionally exhausted.

✩ Covid vaccine: 'Disappearing' needles and other rumours debunked - Jack Goodman & Flora Carmichael, BBC pls don’t even. let me think about anti-vaxxers. i simply wish to know the current conspiracy theories so i can argue with people more effectively.

✩ Covid at Christmas: 'Chris Whitty is more popular than Britney Spears' - Emma Harrison, BBC please someone get me a chris witty prayer candle i am BEGGING

✩ Covid-19: Doctors call for rapid rollout of vaccines - Nick Triggle, BBC

articles: culture

✩ Art in 2021: The highlights to hope for - Will Gompertz, BBC yayoi kusama is coming to the tate modern!! which i can actually get to relatively easily on public transport from my uni city!! gonna take myself to see the infinity rooms omg i am so EXCITED

✩ History: Quileute Nation this is the official site of the quileute nation, whose history and mythology stephanie meyer butchered in the twilight saga.

✩ The Archers tackles the 'hidden' connection between disability and modern slavery - BBC something i’m ashamed to say that i knew nothing about until this article. the archers keeps on giving in terms of social issues.

✩ Gollancz gets Sims’ ‘horror for the Netflix generation’ - Tom Tivnan, The Bookseller jonny sims is writing a BOOK??! the EXCITEMENT i feel

#weekly #reading 2020 #last one! i cannot wait to read more next yr...degree pending

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whatisasugarpinkcat · 4 years

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opening a can of worms

i would say i had a good time. don’t think i regret my 20s. maybe this black hole in me is more hereditary than anything. nothing seems to cheer me up for long anymore. i am worried because i want kids and i don’t want my negativity to affect them. in order words i don’t want to be my mom.

i don’t want to call it depression because that could be an overreaction. and i don’t want to deal with it. that’s perhaps the root of what i feel now. the unwillingness to deal with anything. all i do is to escape to the next thing. its so hard to acknowledge my feelings or problems that i can’t solve because i think it is a waste of time to try to do that and also i don’t want to get hurt.

reading my old posts reminded me of how hurt i was and how over the years i have been adapting and putting things out of mind simply because i made my bed and i will lie in it. on top of that, my feelings didn’t matter. i still don’t think they matter.

being a teacher probably made me even more numb. you can’t be emotional or take things personally when you’re dealing with people who can’t really think for themselves. i remember being emotional when i first started teaching. every day was a roller coaster and i had to harden certain parts of myself to survive. there were just so many thoughts so many questions and feelings and i had to also deal with the feelings of others too. make people happy. show people concern. i worry when people are in a bad place and it got to me so bad i just distance myself. i didn’t want to know because not knowing would mean i am not plagued with the obligation to address their problems. so for a few years that was the case but distancing myself emotionally also made me empty-ish. it didn’t help that i was also doing that in my relationship.

i always thought it was hard for me to fall in love but haha i came to realise i fall in love as easily as i fall out of it. it scares me so much that i can just flip the switch and move on.

i miss those times when i was with my ex. when i relied on him for almost everything. i was so emotionally reliant i couldn’t help it. he was the first person who came into my life offering me something i never had. i would like to think of it as love but i really don’t know. maybe i was making use of him like a crutch. it was easy to be with him somehow because i made him my one and only just as how he made me his. i knew with all my heart that he will never leave me or make me feel unloved. i was always able to face the world no matter what it threw at me because i know i had him. i remember 2 things that highlight this. the first was when i was ill prepared to sit for my A lvls math prelim paper. the night before, i was in such a panic because i did not study (i know. crying over spilled milk when i intentionally spilled it) and i called him at 3am. he came over at 6am and skipped school just so he could accompany me to school. holding my hand the whole way because i was stupidly scared. my memory is hazy and i can’t remember if it was in a train or a taxi but i remembered feeling comforted and i suppose that was the reason i moved in with him the 4 weeks leading up to the actual A lvls exams.

i felt so safe so assured for some weird reason. i hated the way he made me feel. somehow i didn’t like feeling like that. i don’t blame him for the fact that i did not study. my heart was really not in it. given that i chose subjects i don’t even care for. didn’t know what i was doing at that age. looking back it would have been the prime time to go and explore the world. just something to keep in mine next time if my teenage kid comes to me and says they wanna go explore. anyways. i was always looking forward to going back to his house after my exam papers so i can have hugs and be assured that things are going to be ok even if i flunk my a lvls.

in the first 2 years of uni i hated going to school. and i made the commute from his house to ntu every single day even though i had a hall room. he had his license and sent me to school every day. i can’t remember how it happened. i don’t think i ever stopped loving him. i am not sure. but somehow one day i decided i was going to try to live on my own without going back to him like how i did. he was also busy with his internet thingy. i was impressed by his devotion and drive but at the same time i couldn’t join him because i have not found my drive at that time. i was still in the “wanting to find myself” phase. and the more friends i had, the more activities i joined, the further i got from him because he couldn’t relate. none of what i did mattered to him or made sense i think. and they didnt matter to me too actually. but i went ahead to do them anyways. because i kinda enjoyed myself i guess. but when i think about it now i cringe at the amount of time i have wasted in the past. not that i regret them because how can there be regret when i had intentionally make those decisions so my life would be more colorful.

he tried to wake me out of my idea i think that time. but i refused to listen even though i knew in my heart he was right about so many things. i married someone he wouldn’t agree with i think. someone he thinks is not good enough. i don’t know if i really loved my ex. and the way i determine if i loved someone was to think if i would be dutiful and take care of them without resentment if they aren’t able to take care of themselves in future. it is a flawed way to measure love. now i think maybe you’re just meant to live and love as you go along. i liked the idea of loving only one person till the day i die but i don’t think i am capable of that. why not?

it all went downhill when i started to masturbate instead of turning to him to quench my sex drive. and when i had thoughts i felt he wouldn’t be able to relate to i kept them to myself. i sought happiness from everywhere else just so i can be happy when in front of him. at this point in time i am unsure if i am talking about my ex or my current husband. i don’t think i was unhappy with my ex though. i never had the mood swings or that black hole with my ex though. i was always blissful and comfortable with him. it was easy to smile at him all the time which brings me back to the question of whether its my hormones/ genes or something else.

i wish i can remember the triggers that caused me to not want to be with him anymore. because i feel the same things are in motion now. i don’t want to end my marriage because it would mean so many things. that i am unable to love that i can’t commit long term. 10 years ago i remembered thinking if i can’t last with this new guy i will never be able to last with anyone else. haha i had such childish thoughts when i chose to be with someone like my husband. the things i liked about him didnt warrant a marriage i think.

the same problems are always there. i chased someone who was not good for me and he changed himself to be a better person and it is enough for me actually. but somehow. it is not. i know i can have the kind of marriage and love if i would just put in the effort but this blackhole in me is making it so hard to. i could do it some months ago. smiling when i didn’t feel like it, being physical when i was rather dead inside...but now...i don’t know what triggered the change. i am led more by my heart than my mind now.

what am i going to do? you would think time and experience would make me more sure of myself. i really don’t know. don’t even know why my ex is suddenly in my mind these days just because of a dream? i don’t know anything anymore.

in 2 weeks’ time, i will have to throw myself into work. i hope i can laugh when i look back on this post in a few months’ time.

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plantohead · 6 years

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I just rant about how terrible my “mother” was so yeah that’s all. Basically, I legitimately hope she dies soon because right now she’s lashing out about her beef with me and hurting my sisters and I’m not cool with that, but I’m also in no position to put myself between them because I really can’t handle going back into that situation. So yah, this terrible person should just drop dead, preferably soon, like tomorrow maybe.

Sue thinks I would be giving myself a bad image if I aired our dirty laundry but joke's on her because she's the only one that looks bad. She also thinks I'm telling lies, but joke's on her the only liar is her because anyone who knows me knows I am a terrible liar. I can't even play the card game BS. Middle-school me was more hardened than I am now.

Sue was a toxic af person and I can’t believe it took me so long to realize it. She planted the seeds at an early age and undermine my confidence, agency, ability to stand up for myself and enforce boundaries, and my happiness and wellbeing. She would say terrible things, gaslight me, and was all around just horribly emotionally abusive. She made Dan into a toxic person, too. She made me toxic. She plays family members against each other. You had to side with her on everything, and everyone else was wrong about something, and usually something big. Dan was not a good husband. Her oldest child was ungrateful. Her middle child was too shallow and didn't love her. Her youngest child couldn't learn anything right. Oh, but she was never in the wrong. How dare you insinuate such a thing. The mere suggestion could send her flying into a rage. I'd say she was a screaming banshee or a screaming harpy, but the truth is she outscreams them both. Simultaneously. As in, if both were screaming, she'd still win. Distance doesn’t help, either. If she can’t scream at you in person, she’ll just send you more than 300 texts in one day (I let them accumulate one day and literally my notifications were over 300) telling you that you’re a terrible person and the worst child ever and you’re such a loser, you won’t amount to anything, oh and your boyfriend doesn’t actually love because only a mother could. Rinse and repeat for the next 5 days.

I have grown up being told I was lazy. I believed that for the longest time, and I'm still unlearning it. I was lazy despite having learned to play piano, flute, and guitar and having a brief stint with the violin and piccolo. I was lazy despite maintaining high grades while being in marching band in high school and joining the jazz band in my last year (I was terrible by the way, I'm through and through a Classical/Romantic period pianist). I was lazy in uni when I earned top grades while going to concerts, attending ballroom classes, training in wushu, taking additional credits, reading books outside of school, sketching, studying for the LSAT, rehearsing in a band, writing songs, and writing a thesis. She never believed I studied because all she ever saw were photos of when I was having fun. No shit sherlock, I take like 100+ photos and 50 videos of just one concert, and I'm not going to take pictures of my calculus notebooks, please... But so be it, I was lazy, and now every time my work ethic comes into question, I spiral out of control and become exactly what I'm supposed to be: lazy.

I was told that I was ungrateful, hateful, and oversensitive. Never mind that being told you are ungrateful and hateful would lead to some sensitive feelings. Never mind that you are supposed to raise the child you so graciously decided to give life to because it's your goddamn responsibility. Never mind that said child might occasionally hate you when you slam your hands on the table and scream at the top of your lungs at them and call them names, maybe hit them across the face a couple times. Never mind that I might have been ungrateful because you always said you owed me nothing when yeah, you did. Parenting. Love. Some emotional stability. Maybe you should actually try it out. Oh wait, you blew it, go rot in hell.

I was raised such that my talents and accomplishments were turned into an extension of Sue, while all my perceived faults were because I wasn't good enough. I have been made to doubt myself with guilt-tripping, manipulation, and gaslighting. Get this: after I came out about my sexual abuse, at some point I asked to log into my Facebook account on Sue's tablet. I forgot to log out when I returned to uni, but I didn't think it would be a problem. No, I was wrong, BIG PROBLEM. Without my knowledge or consent, Sue monitored all my Facebook activity and messages. She was "worried" because of my abuser. You know, the one that had fled to Japan 7 years ago and who I had blocked on Facebook. That one. When I found out what she was doing, she had the gall to tell me she was doing it for my own good. Not only that, but then this August, I brought it up again because it unfortunately became relevant AGAIN, and she had the audacity to first deny she ever did such a thing. I told her I still had records of it somewhere in my email archive because those things never die. I KNEW I had them, but I hated how I doubted myself for just a second because I was so used to this type of gaslighting. After she realized she couldn't get away with the lie, she played the guilt card again. It was in my best interests. It was because she loved me and was worried. BULL.SHIT. You just fucking lied to my face! You're just trying to cover your ass. What she did was complete disrespect for my boundaries and agency. And that's just one example out of my entire frickin LIFE.

Sue also always made everything about herself. When my flight to Albany for the bar exam was canceled, I panicked, had a meltdown, and cried. Of course, later, Sue would keep saying she was so distraught for me that she also cried. Cool?? Okay??? What, you want a cookie for that or something? Why are you telling me this five times? (I’m not kidding, I counted, it was at least five times.) Or whenever I was having a depressive episode about my abuse, she made it about herself. Oh, she couldn't get up for three days when she first found out, she was so distraught. It was so hard for her to work on my case. Coolcoolcool, okay, well, it was MY BODY HE TOUCHED SO IMAGINE THAT. I used to feel so terrible, and seeing how much it upset her was the one thing that made my sexual abuse really feel intolerable. Now I just want to light Sue on fire every time I think about it. Or any time I was depressed at all, she turned it into a competition. No support, no love. Just, "You don't have a reason to be depressed, if anyone it's ME." OKAY BRO, MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN BE DEPRESSED, IT'S NOT IDEAL AND IT SUCKS BUT IT'S POSSIBLE!!!!

God and she was so HYPOCRITICAL. One year, I forgot Mother’s Day because first, I think these stupid consumerist holidays are a hollow scam, and second because I was writing a brief for the immigration judge on an asylum case. It was a big case that was very important and could change the landscape. I wasn’t going to slack and throw it. Of course, Sue gets extremely upset despite seeing me work on this nonstop since I got home a week prior or whenever, and later goes into complete screaming neurosis again. Yet, on my birthday, she picked a fight with Dan and turned into an army of screaming banshees and I hid in my room all day to avoid the chaos and her wrath, yet I never complained. And then after she drove out and came back, I played therapist. Did I hold it against her? No, no I didn’t, and the fight really was over something trivial. Yet if I forget Mother’s Day because I’m working on a pressing case, she must once again unleash the army of banshees. I’m really not exaggerating, I cannot begin to describe how she screams, not even my two toddler cousins can match her in volume, harshness, or intensity.

Sue made me play marriage counselor, mediator, and therapist for her. It was the worst. First of all, if you have marriage problems, maybe don’t turn to your child when they’re like 12. Go find a marriage counselor. And stop coming to me every time you have a tantrum (I can’t say fight because it’s always just a one-sided screaming match). Stop unloading on me one-sidedly all the time, it’s not even a conversation anymore when you don’t listen to anything I have to say and just talk about whatever the fuck you want. And stop dragging your husband in front of your children, go get a neutral party for that and stop manipulating us to turn against him. It was always so uncomfortable when she did that. We’d separately tell him in private that we didn’t agree, but any time we tried to really stand up to Sue, she’d start the crazies. Screaming, hitting people, slamming doors, dangerous driving, you name it. I should’ve let her kill herself in a car crash, but that would endanger someone else who doesn’t deserve that.

And there was just the general lack of support for my chosen career path. She always said she never pushed me in any direction and let me choose, but she fails to recognize that "barely tolerating" does not equal actual support. Actually, you can't even say she was tolerating. She didn't like that I wanted to go into public interest. She kept telling me people were going to lie and cheat me, even though there isn't really a way for my clients to cheat me out of anything, just as a practical and logistical matter. She encouraged Dan to join her in speaking about my path like it was some gross fly that had been smeared onto their windshield. I never broke confidentiality, but they would act like they knew my clients and would make disparaging remarks about them simply based on stereotypes and assumptions. When I first got the offer to go to Ghana, I didn't tell her for a week because I knew it would not go over well. When I did finally break the news to her, she pulled out ALL the stops. Crying, guilt-tripping, making it about herself. "Why do my children do this to me?????" she bemoaned. Jesus hell, lady, it's not about you, I’m not doing anything to you I’m just moving to Accra for work. Even if I die in this line of work (which I WON’T??) it’s like, I’m an adult who can make decisions about the direction of my life, sucks. And then she encouraged Dan to disparage Ghana based on stereotypes about the entire continent of Africa. I was going to a "wasteland," and they always said it with such vehemence and force behind their words. That was the truly ugly part, their tone of voice. I corrected them multiple times, saying Ghana was actually quite green, there were beaches, forests, and waterfalls, and that there is actually a sizable Chinese expat community and that I have contacts in Accra and the city is very friendly. My words always fell on deaf ears because they - especially Sue - insisted on their narrow world view. And the irony is Sue always told me I have no life experience, but it honestly seems like the other way around. She told me to buy travel insurance when I need expat insurance. Those two are indeed different things, and it definitely matters which one I get. Don't be stupid, you don't have any life experience.

Oh and she keeps asking for money, like 30k, for costs of raising me and sending me to school. Lmao that bitch can go fuck herself, if anything the ho owes me for IIED.

In conclusion, Sue is a crazy bitch who never should have had children and needs to be contained.

#personal #just ranting #rant #rantrantrant #I hate my mother so much because she really is just a terrible person #and emotionally abusive

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