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#i was like i need to use photoshop more. so i did. but i am also very burnt out so
ewanmitchellcrumbs · 3 days
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I know you are tired of being reminded of the whole mess that’s been going on. I had no idea what was going on until foxyanon told me cause I asked. The shock that went through me when I was reading ems post. I was decent friends with bel and interacted a lot with her. Had no idea how vile those bloggers are, just damn right disgusting and rude. But I told em as well that I have nothing to do with what’s her face. I’m always here for you! This fandom needs some serious work done and rethinking. I’m screaming the biggest f you to her! I love your content even though I don’t say anything much. You’re wonderful and deserve better! 💗💗
Thank you for reaching out, and treating me like a human being. It is more than I currently deserve. I will place the rest of my response beneath a cut, as it will be quite long and I'd like to give people the option to scroll past, as they are doubtless tired of all of this, and rightly so.
Yes, the behaviour of that group is despicable, but I cannot downplay the gravity of my own in that.
I had a longstanding block with two users (I am not going to use their online nicknames, I do not deserve to), arcielee and sylasthegrim, I said disgusting things about both of them - the screenshots of my messages regarding them both on the post you have doubtless all seen are real (so is the final screenshot where I mention an anon I had received telling me to die in my sleep, the rest of the screenshots in that post have been falsified, doctored or snipped heavily out of context to make them appear hateful - the doctoring has been confirmed by two individuals well versed in Photoshop)
I hold my hands up and apologise to both those people, and the people that have seen those messages and been harmed by them. They are inexcusable, indefensible and were guided by a false belief that those two people were being hateful in turn about me, and actively going out of their way to harm and spite me. I am unsure what Bel thought she had to gain by exacerbating the animosity between me and Em and those two women, regardless, we should have done the mature thing and reached out directly to them. I will say, that I have never once sent anonymous hatred to either person. The extent of my vitriol was confined to that group chat.
Bel also used slurs in the group chat (I would like to point out that myself, Em and Fae did not). I won't repeat what these were. I do not want those ugly words on my page. They made me uncomfortable and I called her out any time she used one in particular, but she always laughed off my discomfort and carried on anyway. She is mixed race, I am white, in my mind it is not my place as a white person to tell an ethnic minority what is racism and what isn't. There are enough white voices shouting down others in online spaces. I know better now. I should not let my own discomfort silence me. I will call out hatred, bigotry and discrimination in every instance that I see it. My past inaction is embarrassing, it's offensive and I am devastated by the hurt I have caused to others. I am so deeply sorry.
I didn't speak up for a long time, because I have seen what these people are like when they have a grudge against someone. It's frightening, I was a coward. Yet despite staying silent on all of it, I have been doxxed just the same. I suppose perhaps that's karmic retribution?
I appreciate that people have felt my response has been lacking, however, I was out of the country, away from home, from the 14th until the 22nd, with only my phone at my disposal and with the expectation from my husband that I would enjoy the vacation we were on, and not be online dealing with all of this.
I would like the opportunity to atone for my behaviour, to make amends. Currently, I feel I am not going to be given the opportunity to do that, and understandably so. Emotions are high, people are raw from what they have learned and they do not feel comfortable being around me.
Seeing the screenshots of the people in their group passing around my personal photos and saying incredibly vile things about my appearance triggered a lapse with the eating disorder that I am in active recovery for. I then had another a few days later. I need to take some time away to get myself well, as the fear and anxiety of all of this is taking its toll. I also need the space to deal with the legal action I will be exploring with regards to Chris having doxxed me. I am not running away. I simply need to get myself into a space where I am stable enough to handle all of this, be accountable, and take responsibility without my own emotions diminishing other people's.
I know people hate me right now, but it pales in comparison to how much I hate myself. I am so very sorry for allowing this to happen.
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sonego · 4 months
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JANNIK SINNER & CARLOS ALCARAZ
The word rival most commonly refers to a person or group that tries to defeat or be more successful than another person or group, which means that rivals tend to come in pairs.
"Right now, I think I have it and I'm not afraid to say it: for me it's Sinner at the moment. That beautiful rivalry that we have, those big games that we have played, on big stages. As the years go by there will be better ones and we will fight for the big titles."
Paris 2021 / Wimbledon 2022 / Umag 2022 / US Open 2022 / Indian Wells 2023 / Miami 2023 / Beijing 2023
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hoony2k · 4 months
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WE DATING FR?
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How could they react around idol!you when no one knows about the relationship.
PAIRING: OT7
GENRE: fluff, crack
WARNINGS: none
NOTE: did not dust not rennovate this (crying emoji) dw i am writing new work. Will be posted soon. Thank you for your patience and support!
Part 2
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★ HEESEUNG:
he's driving everyone insane. Keeps dropping subtle hints that no viewer catches but his manager eyes him like a hawk on award shows and lives. If you're a few feet away from him, he'll glance at you or turn his head in your direction and pretend he's looking at something/one over there. When your eyes meet in the crowd, he winks at you, expression smug. Then turns around with a blank face as if you're not knawing at your lips to not let a bright smile out. There are cameras recording? Okay and? He might not be able to show you off but he's not going to act like you're a stranger.
★ JAY:
very chill about it. Actually he's not. He finds himself in an internal delimma every time you're at shows. Keeps chanting don't look over and over again. Values his career and yours and doesn't want to do anything stupid. He knows how fans are so instead he tries to be sneaky about it. Buys you a bracelet and tells you to wear it when you're at the airport. You don't think too deeply, heart fluttering at the loving gift. A few days later, he uploads a selfie, peace sign on display as well as an identical bracelet snug around his wrist. Some people are speculating but it's nothing big enough for the companies to intervene. Laughs when you call him and says it was a complete coincidence.
★ JAKE:
pda? Baby you do not exist. You are a hallucination. Its a jarring contrast to what hes really like when it's just you because he will NOT make eye contact. He'll stand "near" you not next to you. He knows how vile people on the internet can be and idols get enough of that already. He doesn't want to put you in a compromising position but it's so painful to pretend that nothing is happening between you two. So, he'll do small gestures like during award shows, he'll tell jungwon to hand over his own cushion/blanket to you or your group leader. Be more platonic or "caring" about it so it doesn't seem unusual in the public eye. Sends a bouquet to your makeup rooms and signs the note from enhypen. He's great at fooling.
★ SUNGHOON:
he's actually so ecstatic about it. He would pray and pray to get you as a co-mc, then he'd be able to spend more time and come on camera without any nasty rumours. Plus certain scripts have cheesy pickup lines he'd abuse just to get a reaction out of you. His small smile as he soaks in your flustered reaction? Yea thats def not part of the script. Enjoys that most people ship you because of the ""chemistry"". Giggles on call while he sends you tabloid links that talk about you two. The last nail in the coffin is when he practically describes you as his ideal type. He doesn't know if it sliped out or if it was intsntional. They need to pay the manager more.
★ SUNOO:
the guy who openly calls you his friend. He's the type to introduce a 'slow burn' to ease the public. His fans are used to seeing him talk about you and your group, he doesn't overdo it. Sometimes you talk about him and his group. If a comment asks him to talk about a favourite member in your group he will ignore that, and pretend he never read it because your name would slip out. Defends you in subtle ways by making off-handed comments such as "idols can have off days" or "people shouldn't comment on someone else's appearance. It's not right". Fans make those platonic edits and photoshop you two together in pictures. You bite your fist every time he sends them to you, giggling at how people want to see a collab. That would be his dream. He's def at your concert.
★ JUNGWON:
He's a leader, he's got a lot on his plate but he's also great at controlling himself. people won't suspect a thing when he stands next to you because he stands like 🚹. No fun edits because people can't even tell that you know him, let alone date him. He makes up for it with his love language. Eventually, he'll relax for a bit when he's assured that no one is waiting to get him and his love. He can never be too careful which is why when he can't "do" things publically to help you, he would warn you about certain people/situations. In award shows, if his eyes wander away from his members it's to see if you're safe and comfortable. Once his fears are calmed, he can relax and enjoy the show. Stares at you when he thinks no one is looking.
★ NIKI:
He's just here to have a good time. He prays and wishes for collabs and gets sad whenever nothing happens. He's the type to send you small trinkets as gifts…like an inside joke except there's no joke and Niki feels giddy when he sees your selfie and a familiar charm tied in your phone case. At shows or encore stages, he'll stand behind you (pretends he's doing that because he's soo tall he blocks everyone) and keeps poking you and you have to maintain your expression. Other idols around you know something is up but they don't know what is. He's treading the line between platonic and romantic love. Does the classic rizz move -> notices confetti stuck in your hair and plucks it out, then bows in and greets you casually as if your face isn't red.
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Thank you sm for reading! Hope you enjoyed!
All rights belong to me. Please do not copy/translate/edit.
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misc-obeyme · 1 year
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Mc shows the brothers
Human world style and (what the media gives to woman) body standards ,How would they react?
((I am a firm believer that you can be whoever you want and your body is beautiful))
Hey there, anon!
Okay, this here is a sensitive topic, but I think I did all right with it.
I think how the brothers would react depends on what the beauty standards are like in the Devildom. So for this, I went with the idea that while the Devildom has similar beauty standards to the human world, they're less important. I would think that demons would care more about power than appearance, especially since it's likely that at least some of them use magic to alter how they look. So the brothers probably don't know what an issue it is in the human world.
Also tried to keep it mostly gender neutral, hopefully that's okay.
Thank you for the request!
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The brothers react to GN!MC telling them about human world body standards.
Warnings: A lot of discussion of body image issues, talking about diets and food in Beel's part.
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Lucifer
Does not understand. Why do humans place such importance on looking perfect? He certainly sees the value in looking put together, especially when it comes to things like clothes and hygiene. Beyond that, though, he doesn't see the point in obsessing over trying to fix perceived flaws.
Does not care about your body type at all. Short? Tall? Fat? Thin? It's irrelevant to him. What matters is who you are. If he wasn't a beautiful man, it wouldn't matter because everyone would still fear him. It isn't about what you look like, it's how you carry yourself.
If you struggle, though, he's going to be sensitive about it. Will not talk about it with others around, but will casually compliment you on how nice you look. Especially if he knows you're lacking confidence for some reason. Then he'll make a point of telling you that you look good.
When you're alone, though, he showers you in compliments. Lucifer is not usually soft, so it's reserved for when you're alone with him. And that's when he takes your feelings into consideration. Don't you know that you are stunning, MC? In fact, he would say that your body is perfect simply because it is yours.
Mammon
Hang on. Human world models aren't naturally like that? Sure, he works out a little more than he might normally just because he works as a model, but it's not like he goes around doing anything drastic. Do you think he's contributing to unrealistic beauty standards in the Devildom?!
Um… well… it's hard to say? You'll probably need to reassure him that it really doesn't matter either way. The problem is not individual models, but the industry as a whole. And there are people who are working to make things better. It's just that in the human world, you have to be aware that what you see in magazines is usually heavily edited. He's gonna think that's crazy. The Great Mammon's photos are never photoshopped!
Once he gets over this little crisis, though, he's going to tell you that all of that sounds really stupid. The whole point of fashion is that it makes you feel good! It's supposed to be fun! Who cares what type of body you have? You should be able to enjoy it no matter what.
Mammon is gonna get really cute about your specific insecurities, though. If you tell him you don't like something about yourself, he's going to go out of his way to let you know that he loves it. Feeling unhappy about your stomach not being flat enough, for instance? Hey, MC! Ya don't mind if he gives ya hug, do ya? Doesn't wait for a response, just wraps his arms around you from behind so he can settle his hands directly on your stomach. Presses his face into your neck to mumble about how perfect you are because he won't say it straight to your face.
Leviathan
Baffled. More confused than Lucifer. Are you seriously trying to tell him that people in the human world care about this kind of thing? Uh oh. Now he's thinking about his body image. Does it fit with human world standards?! Do you think he's hideous, MC!?
You've got another crisis. Quick, reassure him that he has nothing to worry about! The point you're trying to make here is that human world standards are crazy and harmful. He's perfect to you and that's all that matters.
O-oh. Right. Now he's a little bashful about his reaction. Makes it clear that you're perfect to him, too. Watch as he gains more confidence in his compliments. He starts telling you about how he loves every part of you. Lists physical attributes at first, but starts getting into who you are to him. Not just your best qualities, but special moments he's had with you. How important you are to him, specifically.
If you tell him about things that you struggle with, he's going to reassure you in the moment. And then you notice that when you consume some form of media together, a lot of times there's a character that has one of those specific things that you also have. He thinks he's subtle, but you see right through him. If he finds a story line where the character learns to love themselves or something, he's definitely going to make you watch it with him. Acts like he's completely innocent, it's just a good story, you know!
Satan
Confused at first. As with Lucifer, finds such things to be completely irrelevant. Obviously, what matters is who you are inside. When someone has a heart and soul as beautiful as yours, their body simply becomes beautiful by association. Also don't you know it's about practicality? Your body exists to move you through the world, not to be pretty for other people.
Uh oh. Now he's getting angry. Why would other humans feel that you have to look a certain way for them? How could they make you feel like you aren't perfect exactly as you are? How dare they subject you to their own ideals of beauty? It's upsetting, MC!
Okay, okay, you're probably going to have to talk him down. He's livid on your behalf, but tell him how much it means to you to hear him say these things and he'll start to calm down. Realizes that getting angry about it doesn't help you in any way. Reassures you that such human world ideas are nonsense.
Starts complimenting you all the time, especially on the things he knows you're insecure about. Maybe you don't like the shape of your nose. He will say, completely straight faced, that your nose is looking really cute today. Although this sounds ridiculous, it does make you smile, so that feels like a win.
Asmodeus
Oh, MC. Don't you think he knows all about this already? Of course he does. Asmodeus is perfectly aware of how things are in the human world when it comes to beauty standards. He knows how hard it can be for some humans.
You might think he couldn't possibly understand because he's so perfect. He's always beautiful. The reality is that he believes his beauty is all he has. If he's not beautiful, who even is he? Take the moment to tell him that he's so much more than his looks. That you love him for who he is, his kindness, his bubbly personality, his creativity, etc.
He's going to tell you that all the things you do to make yourself look good should be things you're doing for yourself. Do them because they make you feel good. Do them because they give you confidence. Do them because you deserve to pamper yourself sometimes. Do them because you need to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of everybody else.
Another one who gets cute about your insecurities. What's that? Did you say you don't like your stretch marks? Well now you're laughing as he kisses every last stretch mark he can find. You learn not to say negative things about yourself around him unless you're prepared to get covered in kisses.
Beelzebub
Misunderstands. Thinks you're asking him for workout advice. You want your body to look a certain way? He knows what to do for that. Do you want him to come up with an exercise schedule for you, MC? Its up to you whether or not you decide to workout with him, but either way you'll have to tell him that's not exactly what you meant. Tell him about diets and watch the confusion get worse.
Wait, wait, wait. Humans restrict their food in an attempt to get their bodies to look a certain way? He's dumbfounded. Just thinking about it upsets him. Why in the world would you want to deprive yourself of any kind of food? You decide not to tell him just how bad this can get for people. He's having a hard enough time as it is.
Don't you dare try to do it around him, though. If you say anything about not wanting to eat something because you're worried it'll make you fat or you're watching your figure or anything else along those lines, he will frown at you. He's going to tell you that you should eat whatever you want.
Beel thinks chubby humans are really cute. They look well fed and that makes him happy. If you're already on the chubby side, he'll tell you how much he likes it. If you're not, he'll tell you how much he likes you the way you are, but if you were to change he would like you just the same.
Belphegor
Huh. Humans care about some weird stuff, don't they? It's not that Belphie is unaware of human world beauty standards, it's more like he thinks it's really dumb so he doesn't think about it most of the time. However, he does recognize what an issue it can be for a lot of people. The fact that you're bringing it up to him indicates that you struggle with it, too. And he's not okay with that.
Won't lose his shit or anything, this guy is too lazy for that. But he is annoyed on your behalf. He's annoyed that you feel insecure about any part of you because the human world had the audacity to pressure you into thinking you weren't good enough just the way you are. You don't have to change anything about yourself, MC. You're perfect.
He's actually really good at listening to you talk about your body image issues. He knows he doesn't necessarily have to participate a lot, he just needs to listen. You'll feel better once you've told him all about your struggles. Tell him everything. He's only going to speak up to tell you that he understands, but that in his eyes, those flaws you think you have don't exist.
As with a couple of his older brothers, he's going to deliberately love on the things that you mention being insecure about. Definitely more bratty about it, though. The more you protest, the more he persists. Did you just complain about how thick your thighs are? He's going to nuzzle into them like they're the softest pillow he's ever had. Loudly says he's going to take his afternoon nap right there. Try to dislodge him and you'll only make it worse.
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masterlist | Thank you for reading!
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greypetrel · 6 months
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Crisp those Lines!
Or: a small collection of suggestions for a crispy, neat lineart.
SO MANY OF YOU ASKED FOR THIS (it feels absurd to say, yes), so here you go.
A premise: there's no right or wrong way of inking, and some of the following tips entirely depend on the type of inking I do. Which is neat and clean, with no blacks, and moreover: digitally. More under the cut because it's gonna be long and full of explanatory pictures. Here's an example:
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SOFTWARES AND BRUSHES:
Let's address the elephant in the room: Photoshop SUCKS for inking and linework. The stabilisation of the brush there is SHIT. Good for colouring and painting and doing photobashing, but for Lineart you want it to be precise. Do yourself a favour and don't use Photoshop. I generally use Clip Studio Paint, but i have to say that the best program for it that I've tried keeps being Paint Tool SAI 2. It has few functions, it's true, and I use CSP because it has more instruments. But if you don't want to pay much, SAI is incredible as for brush rendition and stabilisation.
As for the brush: you don't need a fancy brush, anything in your software will go. What I use and what works best tho must have:
Tapered start and end.
High stabilisation (I go from 60 upward, lower it down for trees and grass or anything more natural that needs to be less neat and flowy)
Low tapering.
It must be set so that pressure controls only the dimension. The more you push on your pen, the bigger the line gets. No colour or opaciy variation!
On Clip Studio Paint, I use the G-Pen in the program. It's good as it is, but I think I did some variations as per here:
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FILE DIMENSIONS:Better work larger and then resize down. Sizing files up digitally is possible, but it leads to unfocused images. I generally work on files at 600dpi (300 is fine too, but don't go any lower. Particularly if that's something you want to print later on, any printing wants a minimum of 300dpi). in roughly an A3 format (bigger dimension is 43cm). Most pictures I upload here are 6000x5000 pixel. A bigger file will give you more possibilities with brush sizes, and it'll be easier. Remember: digitally, sizing down is ok, sizing up is not something you should do.
SKETCH:
This is the suggestion I should follow but never do. Having a clean, polished sketch simplifies your life A LOT. This is because if you don't have to worry about drawing details and fixing the anatomy of your drawing during the lineart, and doing it so GOOD because it's the lineart... You'll go that much slower and your life will be more complicated (it's not impossible, my sketches usually are very rough. I am ok with it, the most I do drawing wise is during the lineart... But I'm lazy, don't do like me. A good sketch will help you out.) Compare the two sketches below:
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Another note about your sketch layer: you know those memes that complains that the sketch looks good but when you hide it the lineart is shitty? That's easily solvable. When you're inking, lower the opacity of the sketch layer down, A LOT. I generally go for a 30 or 40% opacity (depending on the colour of the sketch. the yellow sketch will go around 40% because it's less visible, the purple one lower).
When you're inking, you MUST see clearly the lineart you're doing. If the sketch isn't contrasting enough, you won't see clearly what you're doing... It's like trying to sketch with a dim light, not seeing the paper clearly. See the difference:
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BEFORE YOU START:
You probably have read it everywhere, but it bears repeating: warm up your hand. You're using muscles and for more than five minutes. The warmer they are, the firmer your hand is, the easier it gets controlling your lines. It also prevents you from damaging your wrist. Stretching is also great, and grippers are nice to have. Keep your hand fit!
As for warming up: I usually do some calligraphy exercises, practicing on flowy cursives. You want to practice varying the pressure of your lines in a single trait, hence why calligraphy is good. But generally, what you can do is...
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PRESSURE VARIATION AND LONG LINES:
So. My main tip and trick is to vary the pressure of your lines. In the same line, and between different details. This will help making the lineart more dynamic and interesting. A note: this works for semi-realistic styles. If your goal is obtaining a Cartoon Network style: they have generally little to no variation and it works. My suggestion would be to study the kind of style and effect you want to obtain, different styles will work best with different linearts. If you're aiming at hyperrealistic painting, there's no point in spending time over a lineart, for example, I inked the same lineart, but with a brush that doesn't vary it's dimensions with pressure, and not changing the dimension of the brush.
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What makes my linearts look "flowy" and "neat" is the fact that I tend to draw less lines and longer, and pay attention when I stop, to start the line where I end it. This will give the impression of one continuous, single line, and make everything more fluid. See above in the french hood: on the right, I left the line rough on purpose, you can see where I stopped and started again. On the left, where I took care of it, you can't.
Generally speaking:
Thick, dark lines communicate that the object is close to the viewer (always keep the viewer in mind!) or in shadow. Lines should be thicker on the outside of your objects, to separate two planes, and in stuff closer to you.
Thin lines are delicate, they should be used in the background, for small details (see the hair, the lips, the small wrinkles around her eyes.)
As for line continuity: in both cases, the line of her face is one single line I drew. This can be obtained with a smooth result, particularly in curved lines, by getting the brush stabilisation on higher settings (80-100): sacrifice speed for accuracy.
MORE IS MORE, WHEN IT COMES TO LEVELS:
Particularly when there are two objects intersecating, or more characters interacting… Instead of inking all on the same level, I always do one level for each object, trace the WHOLE line as if there was nothing above, and then erase where it's not shown. This is a little thing, but pays off. Always in the drawing of above, the feather and the hem of the bodice were on separate layers, and then I erased the bodice under the feather. Take advantage of being inking digitally and not traditionally!
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For many characters, here's an example of a vignette of a comic page before cleaning it up and erasing. Every single character and the weapons are on separate layers
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For this it's very useful knowing your recurring mistakes. For example, I tend to draw heads bigger than they should. I know I do, so generally I keep the head on its own level, and the body on another, so it's easier to modify and size down just the head without getting crazy selecting only the lines you want with the lazo.
Again, you're inking digitally. It's not easier than traditionally necessarily, take full advantage of your instrument!
OTHER TIPS AND TRICKS:
High brush stabilisation sacrifices speed for accuracy. The line will lag a little from your cursor. Get used to watching the cursor and not the line, and trust that the line will follow.
GO SLOW.
Rotate and flip the canvas. Don't ask me why, but tracing long lines towards me is always easier than not the other way around.
Use the Free Transform, Warp, Distort etc etc and the Liquify to your heart's content if you notice the lineart has something wrong. The only cheating in art is using fucking AI generators (and AI pictures are not art, sorry not sorry)
References are your friends. Study how an artist you like does the lineart. Try and imitate them, and if you can and need to post them: tag them! (don't trace and sell it as your own)
Experiment with brushes, find one that you like for the effect you'd love. You do you, there's no right or wrong way of inking.
Remember to breathe when you trace those lines! (and to drink and do pauses and stretch, you don't want a tendonitis!)
Have fun. Lineart is not evil, lineart is your friend!
I hope this essay is exhaustive enough. I'm tagging ALL THE PEOPLE that requested it (and giving each of you a muffin). @ndostairlyrium @narina-gnagno @salsedine @whimsyswastry @layalu @n7viper
If you have any questions, don't hesitate in asking!
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izpira-se-zlato · 5 months
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Bootleg Hojan Merch
I know Nace shared part of the story in an interview a couple days ago, but I was planning on doing a write-up before I knew that, so here you go 😂 Also contains the continuation of the saga in Finland :D
Putting this under a cut because it's gonna be a bit of a read (plus a few more pictures). Yeah, I hope no one here is surprised that I suck at keeping things short 😂
So I have done a fair bit of clownery this year, and the most recent bit (before the shirt project) was attending two of the Polish gigs, Wrocław and Poznań.
I was wearing my Cha Cha Cha shirt to the Poznań gig, and when taking pictures with Bojan and Nace after the show, I opened my jacket so the shirt was visible. When stepping back after the pic, Nace spied the shirt and was kinda excited about seeing Käärijä merch – though he prefers the Häärijä merch, as he told us, because he's a "big fan" (his words, not mine).
So back at the hotel, I told @braveheart1418, "God, I'm so tempted to try to procure an actual Häärijä shirt. Tell me that's a stupid idea." Of course she did no such thing and so we looked into how much it would cost (too much) and how long it would take (too long), and so I was like, "bummer. And I'm not comfortable making bootleg official merch. Although, omg – it would be hilarious of we did Hojan merch!"
And the longer I thought about it, the more I fell in love with the idea. Again, I told friends, "tell me that would be a stupid idea," and again, they were filthy enablers, and so I started looking into the matter semi-seriously once I was back home (that was Wednesday the 22nd, so almost exactly a week before I left on a business trip leading into a stay at my parents' place leading into the gig).
The first thought was to get a big HOJAN in the Häärijä lettering on foil to iron onto a black shirt, though @braveheart1418 had commented that the design with a picture Häärijä on is much more memorable. That was a very valid point, except that there were no Hojan pics in suitable resolution that were in the right pose.
Thus, things I needed to solve:
get a plotter to cut out "Hojan" for the chest -> my mom said my cousin had a friend with a plotter. Contact was established
get a picture similar to the official merch of Hojan -> I reached out to Dean, who was absolutely lovely and set me up with a picture I could use
clip Hojan from the picture -> I had @submariini as well as another dear friend help me there because they are both much better at photoshop than me and were kind enough to offer their help, and decided to add the yellow border because the best picture Dean had sent me was black & white
get transfer paper -> easy: amazon (loathe as I am to use it)
find a copy shop to print Hojan for me -> tricky bc I got Inkjet-Printer transfer paper and most copy shops have laserjets, if they allow using your own paper at all -> I got laserjet transfer paper and once again had my cousin come to the rescue and helped me print it :D
find t-shirts in the right sizes -> I solved this by eyeballing and taking pics of my dad in the various sizes to check with @submariini. While nerve-wrecking, I am astonished just how well the sizing worked out in the end!
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Despite the limited time (limited further by me getting sick Monday/Tuesday before my business trip), it all came together beautifully: I did a test-print Friday evening and picked up the foil cuts, went shirt shopping with my parents on Saturday (shout out to them for letting their adult kid drag them through three different clothes stores and especially to my dad for gamely trying on half a dozen shirts and waiting while I yelled at ed about which to take 😂), finished the test shirt (mine) that evening and adjusted the colours on the outline to be closer to the foil, printed three more copies of Hojan Sunday morning, and got them ready just in time for leaving for the gig!
Which was yet again nerve-wrecking because of the unprecedented amounts of snow happening in Bavaria, but it stood no chance against our determination!
Unfortunately, the snow situation meant that JO couldn't come out after the show, so I passed the shirt to Nace during it and received a pick in return, which made me bluescreen as I hadn't expected an exchange 😂 He put the shirt down without having looked at it, which was a bit unfortunate because I would have loved to have seen his reaction, but it was still a pretty cool moment.
They did get a lot of gifts this close to St. Nikolaus (which is also celebrated in Germany, or at least was in my youth), most of which they left on the stage for the crew to gather up, so I bluescreened even worse when Nace bee-lined over to me as they came back on stage for the SSOL-encore to thank me again for the shirt – others told me later he'd taken it backstage after Carpe Diem with him, which I'd missed 😅
After the show, I met @mogoce-nocoj and ended up talking to her for quite a while outside the venue because neither of us wanted to split off into different directions, and so it wasn't until we were on our way back to @braveheart1418's hotel room (finally accepting that we wouldn't manage to say goodbye quite so soon and might as well talk somewhere warm 😅) that I saw that Bojan had posted the story to his Instagram 😂. Let me just say that it was very fortunate we were still out-doors and not near normal flats, because I don't think I was quiet when I saw 😂
I actually ended up making four shirts including my trial one – one for Nace, one for Häärijä himself because it felt fitting, and one for @submariini because he's such a Häärijä fan :D
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The latter two, I took with me to Rovaniemi (which was ed's fault, because (and I quote), "come to Rollo! It'll be fun!"), where a bunch of friends and I met up for a birthday party slash Käärijä gig (over 20 clowns in one place, it was amazing, 10/10 would do again (genuinely)). The weather and means of transport tried to keep us apart (train strikes and ice rains on my end, though I still had better luck than Joker Out), but we actually all made it and by now all made it back again, too :D
As I mentioned in a different post, I actually managed to hand over the shirt to Häärijä before the gig, and he told me he would wear it on stage, which he did! I also got a picture with him, ed, and me all in our shirts, which was also pretty great :D
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So, yeah! The Process™ of project 1.
Thank you so so much to everyone who helped and encouraged me along the way -- my parents and my cousin, the gift to our fandom that is Dean Grainger (none of whom will hopefully ever read this specific post), @braveheart1418, @submariini, @alephai, my dearest friend K who's been an enabler for so so many shenanigans, and xia!bf for bearing with my insanity (both where the shirts are concerned and the general Käärijä/JO brainrot) and helping me make this project a reality 💛
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xxlovelynovaxx · 4 months
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Listening to Epic the Musical and went to join the discord server, only to find this:
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I'd like to preface this by saying I am a member of a DID system that experienced intense childhood trauma. We identify as "mixed origin", meaning in our case we do not believe trauma was the ONLY cause of our system, but we do believe it likely played a part in the formation of our multiplicity. Now, onto talking about this screenshot.
1. Pluralkit's creators are inclusive of nondisordered systems. It's one thing to say "no OCs" (which pluralkit is fine with, but some servers simply aren't for purposes of ACTUAL roleplay and that's fine), but to say "only OSDD/DID systems are allowed to use this" and imply that all other systems are "roleplaying" is just bog-standard anti-endo bigotry. Also, UDD and other lesser-known disordered systems are of course excluded.
A reminder that the creators of the Theory of Structural Dissociation, the DSM-V-TR, the ICD-11, and the APA all recognize the existence of nondisordered systems, and that they haven't met a high enough standard of proof to claim explicit causation via trauma of dissociative disorders. At this juncture, every actual scientist abides by the cardinal rule of statistics - correlation is not causation - and another important basic rule of logic - that "x causes y" does not prove "ONLY x causes y". Or in other words, neither the converse nor inverse of a true statement are automatically true. In mathematics, these logical fallacies are referred to "affirming the consequent" and "fallacy of the inverse".
2. Short of someone actively telling you "I am faking a mental illness", you CANNOT tell if they are. It's not possible even for psychiatric professionals to determine this, let alone random laypeople. Even screenshots "admitting" faking could be photoshopped, but more than that - that rule makes the server unsafe for every SINGLE system, even those with OSDD or DID. On what grounds do they claim a system is faking? Having the audacity to claim that our narrative of our own experiences is most reliable and that we are capable of determining our own origins? Having too many or too few alters? Enjoying aspects of even disordered systemhood? Achieving functional multiplicity?
Fakeclaiming when done to any kind of system, but ESPECIALLY disordered systems, will often severely worsen dissociation and internal communication and can even make amnesia more severe. Even most professionally diagnosed disordered traumagenic systems struggle a lot with doubt, in part due to the very nature of the disorder, which often is a response formed as coping skill for severe trauma which masks itself from both external and internal scrutiny for safety.
It is not worth risking this harm to "protect" systems this doesn't even help, much like it's not worth say, denying SSI to 90 percent of people who need it just to keep the extremely small fraction of a percentage of fraudsters (who are willing to try to live in conditions of extreme poverty without ever being able to marry or save money) from getting it.
(It also seems to stem in part from a pluralmisic society which obscures and erases the very experience of plurality, so that many of us don't discover the labels for our experiences until late enough in life that it shatters a long-held view of ourselves that we then have to contend with as a fundamental shift in our understanding of ourselves. A similar thing occurs with trans people in transphobic societies doubting our transness due to spending our whole lives thinking we were cis, but just in the wrong way, and that everyone is miserable trying to be their assigned gender at birth.)
3. "Alters under age 13 are not permitted to speak in this server as per Discord TOS." Discord's TOS is entirely dependent on legal age and therefore bodily age. Littles and middles are childlike entities in an adult brain and body, and it is therefore up to each system to determine what is safe for their own non-adult members to handle. While some littles and middles may be very like actual children and therefore their systems restrict their activity, some systems have littles and middles that are perfectly capable of using the adult brains' faculties to safely navigate normal interactions. Note that this isn't a restriction on nsfw interaction, which is strictly prohibited in the server iwrc, which while offensive when done "for littles' safety" is at least something reasonable to refuse consent to interact in that capacity with a little for your own personal comfort.
4. "Factive alters sourced from EPIC collaborators are required to speak through an anonymous proxy or base profile when interacting with the server". So, essentially, the comfort of singlets is more important than the health, functionality, and safety of systems. It can be destabilizing to have to mask or pretend to front as someone else.
It is also saying "it's not okay to be openly an entirely separate individual with your own life, consciousness, and experiences, simply because you were unintentionally created by someone's brain based on a different living individual". In this case, the people saying this also believe the only possible reason for this unintentional influence on an alter's existence is due to a severe mental disorder - that they likely believe is only caused by trauma. (They likely consequently believe alters can only be SPLIT through trauma!)
So what they are in effect saying is "if trauma caused a person to exist inside your brain whose formation was influenced by one of us and who therefore shares a name and maybe mannerisms with one of us, they are not allowed to be openly themselves around us". Imagine if an autistic person who often mirrored mannerisms shared a name with them!
5. Re: the last point. They claim that people using pluralkit are people, but notably, they only recognize them as individuals. They do not recognize the personhood of non-parts based systems. "When speaking with someONE who uses pluralkit, remember you are speaking with A real PERSON". Now, they could be referring to the individual alter fronting at the time (and just not acknowledging cofronting out of ignorance or forgetfulness). Except for the damning line:
6. "Please note that Pluralkit is a bot used by INDIVIDUALS with DID/OSDD to facilitate communication". Now, I wanted to touch on, once again, that pluralkit's creators are open to and even intend for the bot to be used by nondisordered systems and even roleplayers. Once again, I have no issue with servers not allowing its use for roleplay purposes, since that doesn't dehumanize any actual systems nor refuse to recognize the personhood of individuals within any systems. But also... they literally are refusing to recognize the existence of actual DID and OSDD systems who identify as multiple people, not individuals!
While it is possible that the creators of Epic the Musical were simply trying to create a safe space for systems and are simply ignorant to the harm that sysmedicalism and creating a culture where fakeclaiming is allowed and even encouraged DOES, I find it more likely that a moderator, creator, or system that is close to one of the above is a sysmedicalist.
Below the cut for brevity of this post is a primer on system discourse (syscourse) and sysmedicalism for those that may not be immersed in the plural community.
Tl;dr of the part above the cut: This server is unsafe for even DID/OSDD systems, discriminates against and violates the autonomy of littles and factives (misunderstanding what littles and factives actually ARE in the process), and does not recognize the actual personhood of alters and headmates and multiplicity of disordered systems. This is just ableism, and extremely disappointing as a DID system that is a fan of the musical.
For those that don't know, sysmedicalists are plurality's version of transmedicalists. They believe that the only way to be many people or parts in one body (which is what plurality is) is to have a severe mental disorder that causes extreme distress and dysfunction, as a result of severe long-term childhood trauma, usually between the arbitrarily named ages of 9 and 12. Like transmedicalists, they believe that multiplicity is inherently a mental illness, and that you can't be plural if you don't experience extreme distress around it.
To be a [identity]medicalist is to pathologize and medicalize an experience that is not inherently either to the point of claiming all nonpathological and nonmedical forms of the experience don't exist, and usually also involves defining an identity primarily by the severe distress it CAN cause in some individuals, staging an arbitrary standard of suffering as a prerequisite that if not met is grounds for fakeclaiming anyone who derives any happiness or positivity of any kind from said identity.
They claim that a term coined and primarily used by trans systems is transphobic, because "transness isn't a mental disorder and systemhood is!" They fail to recognize that like transmedicalists truly believing transness is only a mental disorder incorrectly, they are also clinging to a claim that only the disordered form of a wider experience of being "many in one" is valid or real, and that everyone else are just "fakers" "stealing resources from real trans people/systems".
See iirc @livseses wonderful post for further similarities on transmed and sysmed arguments, which I will link later if I can find.
On the other hand, even psychiatric professionals, in an industry known for disregarding the experiences of neurodivergent and mentally ill people in favor of the narratives that neurotypicals with degrees in the subjects of our lives make up based on their external experiences of us, agree that nondisordered systems can exist. Most now also believe that trauma is not a prerequisite for plurality.
The DSM acknowledges cultural experiences such as mediumship (not all of which are from closed practices), and the ICD goes further to state that the same experience of "two or more distinct personality states" they describe as one of the requirements for DID does not "indicate the presence of a mental disorder". They also use cultural multiplicity as one example, clearly stating that the same experience of multiplicity present in DID can be present in the absence of a disorder.
These disorders are also very purposely not categorized in the "trauma disorder" section of diagnostic manuals, but rather in a section for "dissociative disorders". Even personality disorders, which are well-recognized as being mostly traumagenic in origin, are also not categorized as trauma disorders, for the same reasons of both lacking a high enough standard of proof that trauma is the only possible cause, as well as for the simple reason that dissociative and personality disorders are much more highly self-similar than they are to trauma disorders. Anyone claiming that "DID/OSDD are trauma disorders" and that to claim to the contrary is misinformation is themselves spreading anti-scientific misinformation.
It is also worth noting that by all modern definitions of disorderedness, a mental disorder requires either distress or dysfunction (and in some cases, both). Therefore, a DID or OSDD system that achieved functional multiplicity would not longer be considered functionally disordered.
Traumagenic is the term used to describe systems formed due to trauma. There is zero proof whatsoever that the trauma that forms a system is required to occur in childhood, and in fact seemingly previously healthy war veterans have been acknowledged in medical literature as displaying symptoms of complex dissociative disorders. While there is not a high enough burden of proof to discount the possibility that every single case was just a covert system's presentation made overt by the recurrence of trauma or development of PTSD, there is likewise not proof that trauma that occurs later in life (particularly for neurodivergent individuals with developmental disorders, as the parts of our brain involved in multiplicity often develop in different orders or at different rates.
Endogenic is the term used to describe systems formed for reasons other than trauma (and by most members of the community, for mixed origin systems that were not FULLY formed from trauma. The coiner maintains that full lack of trauma is required for "correct" use of the label; see my previous posts about the harm of prescriptivism and the ludicrousness of defining a term for an identity you don't claim and a community you are not in).
Endogenic does not necessarily mean nondisordered, as anything from trauma occurring after initial system formation to simply the brain's "wires" getting crossed, so to speak, may be able to cause a dissociative disorder even in the absence of the usual stimuli of trauma. Basically, if your brain has a "push in case of emergency" button, there's always a possibility however many failsafes are built to prevent this happening that it will accidentally be set off in the absence of an emergency. Likewise, traumagenic does not inherently mean disordered, as in the case of previously disordered systems who achieved functional multiplicity, or again, weirdness in an extremely complex organ we barely understand causing the brain to push the emergency button but only part of the stuff that is supposed to be caused by the button happening.
Plurality is simply a form of neurodivergence. People can be multiple consciousnesses or "people" (the defining of which falls more under the purview of philosophy than psychiatry) in one body without there needing to be a reason. Assuming singlecy (being a singlet, a nonsystem) is the default is as based in pluralmisia as assuming being straight is the default is based in homophobia.
It's also worth noting that the majority of psychiatry and psychology, as soft sciences, are based entirely in self-reporting. While yes, dissociative disorders can obscure knowledge of trauma until a system is ready to process said trauma, in the absence of any other notable amnesia or other disordered symptoms, it's actually more likely just from a logical standpoint alone that a person is simply right about saying "there are multiple people in this body" than they are unaware of trauma, let alone just "roleplaying" or "faking". There are simply too many endogenic systems for that to be the case.
Why would total amnesia around exactly the chronological bounds of the trauma, despite a system not having any periods of time missing from their memory, be the ONLY symptom experienced? In a society where even if you HAVE a disorder treatment is often inaccesibly expensive and the majority of people regard anyone who identifies as multiple as "insane" at best and "dangerous and needing to be locked up" at worst, what is to be gained from identifying as plural if that's not truly who you feel you are? It's the same tired arguments of nonbinary and nondysphoric/nontransitioning trans people in general just "pretending to be trans for fun". No one does that!
Also, traumatized people are not helpless crazy people that need "help" being paternalistically told what our "actual" experiences are because we're too ill to ever be right about our own lives and ESPECIALLY our subjective internal thoughts, emotions, and ways of experiencing the world and our selves. That's just extremely basic foundational sanism.
Some will claim it's not "for fun" but as a result of delusions or other mental illness that endogenic systems "claim to exist". They claim that delusional and mentally ill people need to be forced into treatment "for our own good", even if the alleged delusions are neither causing distress for us, dysfunction in our lives, or influencing us to act in ways which cause any material or quantifiable harm to others. And no, being offended by the existence of a subgroup of people within a marginalized group is not harm. That's just bog-standard bigotry.
This is also just basic sanism. It's the idea that if someone holds uncommon beliefs or is in any way abnormal, that those beliefs and abnormalities need to be suppressed and stamped out for "our" own good and for the good of society. It's the same (fascist) rhetoric that causes everything from autism [Coolsville sucks] spe/aks seeking a eugenicist "cure" for autism to white supremacy. Note: neither autistic people nor nonwhite people nor any other marginalized group are inherently "abnormal". They are simply minorities LABELED as such by those in power.
I know someone might try to take that line out of context to claim that I AGREE that marginalized peoples are abnormal, coolsville-sucks-style, hence my clarification and inclusion of that in brackets to make any bad faith actors have to at least black it out if they want to screenshot that out of context. That way, anyone bothering to actually fact-check will see immediately that they are twisting my words and acting in bad faith. I've been around the syscourse block long enough to know people WILL do this.
There's further arguments to be made that "normality" is simply a descriptor for things that do not significantly deviate from arbitrary averages and that abnormality itself is therefore morally neutral, but I digress.
I do however, want to encourage people to look into the subject of "mad liberation" for more on questioning and challenging the assumptions that anyone with any mental disorders or trauma is incapable of being a reliable source on their own experiences and existence.
Anyway, plurality has existed for as long as humans have been recognizably human. Many past and present peoples acknowledge forms of it, both in open and closed cultures. Most reputable psychiatrists and psychologists acknowledge the existence of nondisordered and endogenic systems, and further studies are being done into this form of neurodivergence already. The few professionals that don't are typically those like the ones present in the video released by McLean Hospital which fakeclaimed actual professionally-diagnosed disordered systems (which also goes to show just how fakeclaiming only ever ends up harming the people it's claiming to be used to try to protect).
Finally, "plural" is a term coined specifically to be inclusive of all systems, regardless of origin or disordered status. Plural was never a term that belonged only to disordered traumagenic systems, and to claim so is to actively speak over the inclusive systems responsible for coining the term and spread misinformation.
Tl;dr Endogenic and nondisordered systems exist, are valid, and should be believed about the ways they experience their own consciousnesses and brain. This is backed even by doctors in the field of "dismiss people who have abnormal experience of consciousness and supplant their narratives with what neurotypicals THINK is going on based on how we experience the actions of neurodivergent people. Trauma is not the only way to form a system, and intensely distressing mental illness is not the only way to BE a system.
The Epic the Musical server is unsafe for any systems, which as a DID system, makes us feel sad and angry and hurt.
Anti-en/dos, just block us. Even if you can come up with a new argument instead of the same repetitive and inane misinterpretations of scientific literature (or those actively disproven by scientific literature, no less) and pseudoreligious baseless beliefs about plurality, all I would do is tear apart the foundation of the new "argument" for bigoted exclusionism. I've already weighed more evidence than you've ever read, and I won't be convinced that this time the group just trying to live their lives and be accepted as they are is ACTUALLY harmful evil invaders faking and stealing resources because trust you bro. We also know more about our own mixed origins than you as a stranger are capable of ever discerning.
We've been harmed enough by fakeclaiming as a multiply physically disabled and neurodivergent queer traumaendo DID system to ALWAYS side with the people against fakeclaiming anyway, we BELIEVE minorities and especially neurodivergent people about what's going on inside their heads, and quite frankly, we just don't like exclusionist bigots (like you) and don't want exclusionist bigots (like you) interacting with our posts.
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thewayitalknj · 4 months
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The Song That Follows 🎶
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<Modern!Eddie Munson x Female Reader>
Summary-A love song from one of your favorite movies seems to follow you wherever you go and starts to play into your real life ; Prom is just around the corner as well. Word Count-6.7k Warnings-Friends to lovers ; A mention of sleeping together but none is written ; Takes place in 2023.
A/N-Well holy crap, here I am writing for the first time since 2011 probably? I'm a bit rusty, but I hope you enjoy! Just a funny side note, Mrs. K is based off of a real life teacher I had in high school. She did come to my prom drunk (LOL). She also did ask my friends and I to help for the extra credit for a school event but we kindly declined. :) (also I'm insanely obsessed with this song, I hope you love it as well!)
You - Hey! I’m in need of your assistance for the next Photoshop Challenge for Photography, can you meet me in the computer lab after school?
Jonathan - sure, no problem. I’ll see you then!
As the final bell of the day rang you made you way to the computer lab to meet Jonathan, grateful he was willing to help considering you hated asking your own teachers questions yourself. You knew senior year wasn’t going to be easy but as the end of the year started getting closer and closer you couldn’t believe that you and your friends were off to college. Soon there would be one more lunch together, one more after school meet up and one more meeting in the computer lab.
“Hey you finally beat me.” You say walking up to Jonathan who’s waiting for you outside the door.
“Last class was right around the corner, you ready to tackle this assignment?”
“Let’s do it.” 
Time passed as you and Jonathan worked on your homework together. Your objective was to take a photo but add in a random object, then having to take said random object out of the photo with editing. You both were concentrating so hard you didn’t even notice your Sociology teacher, Mrs. K, walking up between you two.
“Good afternoon!”
“Hey Mrs. K, how are you?” You ask smiling. Mrs. K was one of your favorite teachers. She was defiantly a little off but was still the life of the party during class.
“I’m doing well missy thank you for asking. I’m so glad I found you both together, I need to ask you a possible favor.”
“And what would that be?”
“I’m head of the prom committee this year and in need of more volunteers. Just a few students to help out with small things for the night.”
“Ah, and what’s in it for us?” Jonathan asks, smirking.
She laughs and shakes her head. “You know me too well Mr. Byers. Extra credit. I’ll let you know a few weeks before what your jobs will be and it will go towards your final grade of the year. I’ll even knock off some final questions.”
“That’s really nice of you to ask us for help Mrs. K but I already have plans on prom night.” You answer with a pretend sad look on your face. You knew you never wanted to go to prom. You hated getting dressed up, wearing makeup, hell doing your own routine in the morning was frustrating enough.
“Plans already? Prom is another month away how do you already have plans?”
“They just happened to fall on prom night. Look, can we talk it over and get back to you?”
“Sure, I’ll be at the front desk working. Thank you both for your consideration.” With a huge pat on the back to the both of you, she walks away.
“I’m just as confused, how do you have plans already set in stone?” Jonathan raises an eyebrow.
“Like I said, they just happen to fall on the same night as prom. I wasn’t planning on going anyway.”
“Well, let’s think this over real quick. Save your file.” You quickly save your edited work and turn to Jonathan. “This is easy extra credit. Who cares if we have to listen to terrible pop music and dress up for one night. We could even ask Nancy, Eddie and Robin to help too. We can all go as a group. It might be worth it.”
“Nancy and Robin would be on board, Eddie is another story.”
“Why?”
“I know him, okay? Prom is not his style or the place he wants to be.”
“But it’s extra credit. Like I said, easy extra credit. I’m in. How about you?” You thought about it for a moment. He was right, it IS super easy extra credit. Your grade could use a pick me up, and it would be a fun night with friends regardless.
“Okay, you convinced me. Let’s go tell Mrs. K when we’re done editing.” Once you heard the announcement of the computer lab closing you both approached Mrs. K and told her you were in. She was very delighted and thanked you a million times and gave lots of hugs. 
Now the difficult part is coming up, canceling your plans to volunteer on prom night. I’m sure the news will be taken lightly considering the situation, what could possibly go wrong? Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough, right?
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Your locker slams shut. “YOU WHAT?”
“Don’t raise your voice on me Munson.” You turn around and begin to head down the hallway towards the lunchroom.
“Come on, we’ve had these plans for months. We made a vow-”
“Yes yes I know we did.”
“And you want to fall to the broken conformity that is…fucking prom?!” You stop and turn around again this time facing him yourself.
“Look Eddie I’m sorry but this is the easiest extra credit you can receive. You have Mrs. K too why don’t you sign up as well. I’m sure you of all people need the exert credit.”
“Wow, ouch.” This time he takes the lead in walking.
“Well it’s too late, I’ll be there. I still think you should go. Our whole group is going to be there so it won’t be like you're alone.”
“That’s not really the point-”
“Then can you please for one night not be the kid who thinks he’s too cool for school?”
“Still not the point but I’m ending this conversation now.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.” You both enter the lunchroom and find Nancy, Robin and Jonathan at your usual table.
“Whoa, what’s got your panties in a bunch?” Robin asks Eddie.
“This one,” Eddie points to you, “has canceled plans with me.”
“Oh, whoa is me.” Robin has always been the one for dramatics and you softly laugh to yourself while getting your lunch out.
“Did these plans happen to fall on prom night?” Jonathan then asks.
Eddie rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed even at the word. “Yes they did. Why? Are you to blame for this?” 
“Blame for what? Is this about Mrs. K’s extra credit volunteering?” Nancy interjects.
“I am to blame for this then. Yes, Mrs. K asked us yesterday in the computer lab and we accepted.”
“She asked Robin and I in class today. We signed up too, figured it would be fun.”
“Nancy, you have an A already you don’t need the extra credit.” 
“Yes that’s true but after she told us you two were helping we thought we could go as a group to stick together.”
“My thoughts exactly. See?” Jonathan smiles at you and the girls. Eddie slumps in his chair and sighs.
“I’ll just be alone, in my room, with my guitar and uncle in the other room as he watches reruns of Wheel of Fortune all night.”
“Come on Eddie, can’t you suck it up for one night?” Robin shakes his arm and pouts as she speaks. “It will be a lot of fun. And we can all hang out afterword.”
“I don’t know guys I really don’t want to.”
“Just give it a thought okay? I bet you could use the extra credit as well.” Nancy says.
“Jesus Christ…”
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Hey I still feel bad about changing our plans, can I please make it up to you?
1 New Notification 
Eddie - what do you have in mind??
Well I was going to ask if I can join in on Hellfire for the rest of the month but considering I almost killed our whole party in one of our last sessions I don’t think I’m ever welcomed back.
…yeah Dustin and Lucas are still mad about that…can we just have our movie night some other time?
Absolutely! What works for you?
Next Friday?
Perfect, see you then! :)
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Movie night was an essential part of your friendship with Eddie. Every other Friday you would get together and watch one of your favorite films. This time it was Eddie’s trailer with you bringing the snacks and choosing the film. And after another long boring day of school you were exited about spending the night with your best friend.
After knocking three times Eddie rushed to the door to let you in. “About time, what was taking so long?”
“I over bought, get ready for your freezer to be full again.”
“Hey, I’m not complaining. Wayne will be happy about it too.” He steps aside to let you in, putting all your bags on the counter.
“Speaking of, where is my favorite long lost uncle?”
“Working per usual but he says hello.” You and Eddie spend the next few minutes getting everything set up. Snacks on the coffee table while the oven baked your favorite appetizers. “Alight so it’s your choice tonight. What streaming service are we using?”
“Amazon Prime.” You answer, grabbing the remote and loading up the app on his TV.
“Hm, different.”
“Eddie Munson, get ready to watch one of the best film of the 80’s. Personally, one of my favorite’s. Not only is it one of my favorite’s but the soundtrack is perfect is every single way.”
“Okay, so what’s it called?”
“Streets of Fire. A rock and roll fable.”
“If it’s one of the best movies of the 80’s why have I never heard of it?”
“Have I also mentioned it is very underrated?”
“Well now you have. Okay, press play.”
“With pleasure.” You press play and the movie begins.
An hour and half seem to pass like it’s nothing. You knew you were going to enjoy the movie but was curious to how Eddie would react. Every so often you would steal some glances at him, and his eyes never left the screen. Hell he never even got up to go to the bathroom or to get more food. “Well…what do you think?”
“That was…wow.”
“Wow good or wow bad? You’re killing me.”
“You weren’t kidding. I loved it. Why isn’t it more well known?”
“Beats me. My Dad showed it to me a few years ago.”
“Why didn’t you show me sooner?”
“Dunno, just came to mind one day and I figured it would be perfect for a movie night and well, here we are. Plus like I said the soundtrack is one of my favorites, I listen to is constantly.”
“Good choice, good choice.” He nods his head in approval and you smile. “Come on, let’s get this place cleaned up.” As you both continue to tidy up you can’t help but think of how Eddie won’t be joining you and your friends for prom.
“Hey.” He looks at you. “Are you sure you don’t want to come to prom with us? It really is going to be fun.” He just laughs and shakes his head. “Eddie…”
“I’m not going hun. I’m sorry, I just don’t want you. None of you can convince me otherwise.” You accept defeat. As much as you want him to join you you know it’s going to be difficult to talk him into going. It’ll take a miracle to get him there. So you figured from that point on you shouldn’t waste your time. 
The end of the night arrived and it was time for you to head back home. You give him a quick hug and he watches you walk back to your car. When you safely enter he closes the trailer door. As your phone connects to car, I Can Dream About You by Dan Hartman pops up as your first shuffled song. “Huh, that’s funny.” You sing along to your favorite song from Streets of Fire and drive on home.
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2 New Notification 
Nancy - I’m sorry but Robin is about to text you about dress shopping, just wanted to warn you.
Robin-HEYYYY WE’RE GOING DRESS SHOPPING TODAY AND YOU CAN’T TELL US NO SEE YOU LATER OKAY BYEEEEEEEEE.
“I can’t believe you pulled me out on a Saturday to go dress shopping.” You, Robin and Nancy are standing outside your local mall.
“Ladies,” Robin turns to you both, “I’m what you would call a fashionista.”
“You most certainly are not-” “Far from it actually-” You and Nancy answer at the same time.
“Okay okay, I get it. But you will thank me later when I help pick out your dresses. Now, let’s go girls.” She struts herself into the mall. You and Nancy (again at the same time) roll your eyes and follow right behind her, passing all the local shops until you reach the dress shop.
“This is my own personal nightmare.” You whisper to yourself.
“Heard that, and trust me. Don’t you trust me?” Robin asks.
“NO.” Again, you and Nancy speak in unison.
“Please stop doing that, it’s freaking me out. Now, leave me to my duties. I shall be back in a jiffy.” Nancy takes a seat at the front of the store while you lean against the glass wall.
“Do you really trust her with this shit?” You look over at Nancy who’s scrolling through her phone.
“Honestly no, but we had no choice but to be here or we wouldn’t hear the end of it. So let her have her fun. Who knows, maybe she’ll find us some good choices.”
Turns out Robin was good with fashion if she put her mind to it. She picked out a few dresses for Nancy which she tried on, settling on the third choice. Once it was your turn, Robin led you to your dressing room, closing the curtain. “Um, Robin there’s only one dress in here.”
“I know, try it on. I have my reasons.” You look over the dress, touching it with ease. You admire how pretty it really is and thought you would pick it out yourself if you saw it on the rack. You quickly change out of your clothes into the dress, only to find your having trouble with the zipper. 
“Hey, need help with the zipper. Can’t seem to reach.” You open the curtain and Robin quickly helps, then taking a step back.
“Whoa.” This time, it’s her and Nancy speaking at the same time.
“Whoa good or whoa bad?”
“Whoa good. Look at yourself.” You turn around towards the mirror and step onto the pedestal. You were never for dressing up but this dress was just, perfect.
“Damn Robin, you out did yourself.” You complaint her work, turning around and admiring how the dress fits you perfectly.
“I told you, I have my reasons.”
“And those reasons were?” 
A familiar song starts playing in the store.
“Well for one, the dress is just you. And two-”
“Wait, wait sorry. Hold on.” You point your finger to the speaker and smile. “Sorry, I just love this song.”
“Okay, random.”
“What song is it?” Nancy seemed curious.
“It’s called I Can Dream About You. It’s from the 80’s, it’s actually from one of my favorite soundtracks.”
“What movie?”
“Streets of Fire? Why are you questioning me so much?”
“Because I knew this sounded familiar. Mike was listening to it in his room. When I asked him about the song he said Eddie told him to listen to it.”
“He, he did?”
“Yeah, he said they all started talking about movies and Eddie brought it up. He said he watched it with you-”
“WHICH leads me to reason number two,” Robin interrupts, “this dress will knock Eddie off his feet.” 
“Very funny Robin.” You step down and cross your arms.
“I mean Robin isn’t wrong, Eddie would love this on you.” Nancy agrees, looking you up and down.
“When did this fantasy about Eddie and I start?”
“Oh please, we’ve all known since we were like 15. You belong together, and we all think it.”
“And we all is…?”
“Everyone in our group, even Eddie. But of course he won’t admit it himself because he’s stubborn and men never admit their feelings.”
“Robin-”
“Hush,” she covers your mouth “it is my mission to get you both together by the end of senior year. Also,” she uncovers your mouth, “this song is clearly a sign.”
“Okay Robin you’re loosing it-”
“Oh come on! Don’t you think it’s coincidental that you hear this song while shopping and then learn how Mike was listening to it after you just happen to show Eddie this movie a few weeks ago?” She perks her head to the side, she once again, wasn’t wrong.
“Well-”
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“You’re not. And after Eddie and I watched it, it was the first song to pop up on my shuffle.” Robin raises her arms to the sky.
“See?! It’s fate. It’s going to happen I can guarantee it. I will work my magic. Now, let’s go pay for these beauties.” She once again struts her way this time to the cashier.
“And do you have a say in all of this?” You ask Nancy.
“Well, the dress is gorgeous. And I also think you and Eddie belong together. That’s all.” 
“Awesome, great thanks. Can you please unzip me?” Nancy helps as you make your way back in and get dressed back into your normal attire. 
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Senior Week had finally arrived, which meant prom was on Friday. Today was a half day for the senior class. It was also the day you found out your special jobs. Thankfully being the wonderful teacher she is, Mrs. K kept you and your friends together and assigned you to help decorate apart of the gym the morning of. Your last event of the day was lunch. “So, what’s this big news you have to share Jonathan?”
“Wait until Eddie comes and I’ll let you all know.” After a few minutes, Eddie sits himself next to you taking out his headphones.
“Sorry, got held up in the library working on an assignment. What’s your big news?”
“I have a surprise for you guys.”
“And what would that be?” Nancy asks.
“Argyle is flying in from California to go to prom with us.”
“No way?!” “That’s awesome!” “Sweet!” Everyone seemed super excited about Argyle flying in, except for Eddie.
“Well, I’m sure you all will have fun together.”
“Come on Munson, you seriously don’t want to come?” Robin sticks out her lip.
“No no and fuck no. You can keep trying but nothing is going to convince me to go.”
“You suck, you know that?”
“Nothing new.” He states.
Jonathan jumps back into the conversation to change the subject. “Yeah, he’s really excited about coming. He can’t wait to see you all.”
“We’re excited to see him too, it’s been so long. FaceTime and Zoom can only do so much.” You say.
“True. So, how was shopping for your dresses?”
“It actually went pretty well. Turns out Robin has an eye for fashion when she puts her mind to it.” Nancy answers.
“What do the dresses look like?”
You begin to answer, “Well mine is-”
“NOPE. Keep your mouth shut!” Robin yells.
“The heck is up with you?” Eddie asks.
“It’s all a surprise. You’ll have to wait until Friday to see how we look.”
“But I’m not even going.”
“Then you’re missing out.” Robin says matter-of-faculty. You knew what she was doing and you hated it, but you also wanted to see what the outcome would be.
“Whatever, you guys have fun. I’ll be home if you change your mind.” He says to you, picking up his stuff and leaving. When he was getting up he unlocked his phone and pressed play on a song popping in his headphones, you caught a quick glimpse of it and your eyes went wide. After he took a few steps away, they all look at you confused.
“What?” You ask.
“Why did it look like your eyes were going to budge out of your sockets?” Jonathan asks, concerned if anything.
“Oh, nothing. I’m fine.”
“You look like you saw a ghost just now. What gives?”
“I said it’s nothing-”
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, thank you though.”
Robin smirks. 
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Prom Night approached a lot quicker then you expected. Senior Week flew by so quick you now found yourself at Nancy’s house with Robin getting ready. Peter Gabriel’s Your Eyes playing through the speakers in her room. You spent most of the morning at school getting your extra credit in with Mrs. K and other classmates. When 2pm hit the clock she dismissed and thanked you all for your hard work. Jonathan agreed to pick everyone up along with Argyle.
“I’m so tired from earlier I don’t think I’m going to make it through the night.” You say.
“Oh you’ll be fine. Once we all get there your energy will pick up.” Nancy says. You nod your head and continue working on your makeup.
“And that was Peter Gabriel’s Your Eyes on 102.7, hits from yesterday and today. I’m Michelle, your DJ for the next few hours. The all request zone is coming up, so call in or shoot us a text to get your fav songs on the air! I’ll be back after these messages.”
“Hm, that sounds fun. I’ll be right back.” Robin says as she exits the room.
“What does she mean?” Nancy asks.
“Beats me, maybe she’s going to the bathroom.” A few moments pass as Robin enters back into the room with a smile on her face, a few minutes pass until the DJ begins talking on the radio again.
“Alight everyone and we’re back. We had a few calls and texts coming in. I want to kick off our request zone with a message from a young lady named Robin! She called in for a message for a friend, quote ‘Please change your mind, you won’t regret it. She’s going to look stunning and gorgeous and you know you’re going to kick yourself for it.’ And with that, here’s her request ‘I Can Dream About You’ by Dan Hartman!” The song starts playing
“ROBIN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?” You scream, dropping your eyeliner.
“Hey, you never know, Eddie could be listening. Plus, let’s flashback to yesterday shall we? You know damn well what you saw on his phone. He was listening to this song when he got up and you saw it on his lock screen, wasn’t he?” You stare at her. “Well?”
“Wait, is she for real?” Nanny questions putting down her hair supplies  down, now entertained.
“…Yes. He was listening to it.” You admit, looking down at the floor.
“SEE? I knew it. Fate, it’s going to happen. He’s showing up tonight.”
“No, he’s not. I know him better than you, he doesn’t listen to the radio that much. Mainly just his phone. There’s only one good rock station in this town and it’s rare he even listens to that.”
“Well I thought it was worth a shot. I guarantee he’ll come. I can feel it.” You just shake your head and continue with your makeup. “Anyhow, ladies. Let’s get glammed.”
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After a few hours cooped up in Nancy’s bedroom, you all found yourselves taking photos in the Wheelers living room.
“You girls look so beautiful, so grown up!” Mrs. Wheeler wipes away a tear while clicking her photo button multiple times.
“Okay Mom, that’s enough.” Nancy states.
“Oh one more please?!” DING DONG.
Nancy whispers a small “thank god” as Mrs. Wheeler gets the door to greet Jonathan and Argyle.
“What up my Hawkins family?!” Argyle enters with arms wide open. You, Nancy and Robin all run to him and engulf him in the biggest hug.
“We’ve missed you! We’re so glad you came for this!” You say.
“I’m glad too! Jonathan gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
“Yeah yeah, you all look great by the way.” Jonathan bows to you all as Argyle follows along. Mrs. Wheeler insists on taking more photos together and you all agree because you can see she’s still so emotional.
“Okay, I’ll let you all go. You have fun, stay safe and text me updates please!” You all then give her a hug when you hear honking coming from outside the house.
“What the hell is that?” Ronin questions looking out the window. “Oh, no way.”
“Yeah, I came barring gifts my friends.” Argyle leads to the front door.
“COME ON SENIORS, WE’RE GOING TO BE LATE.” And there you see Steve, leaning up against a car.
“Oh you can’t just stay away from Hawkins even after you graduated can you Harrington?” You yell to him, walking out and meeting him.
“And miss all my friends going to their senior prom? Never, come here.” You give him a hug and look at the car. 
“Whose car?” Robin points to the shiny black car.
“Argyle rented it for you guys for the night, and I will be your chauffeur.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” Nancy says to Argyle.
“It’s no problemo, figured it can be my thank you to you all for the invite and for Jonathan letting me crash at his place so I didn’t have to stay at a hotel.”
“Look at the time, let’s get you guys to prom. I’m driving, so I’m playing DJ.” Steve opens the back door for everyone as you pile in and make your way towards Hawkins High.
Approaching the school was overwhelming. There were teachers, parents and cars everywhere. It took awhile for Steve to pull up to the entrance but you finally made it. After parking the car Steve turns around to face you all. “Okay kids, prom ends at midnight and I will be here on the dot to pick you up. No later than that okay?”
“Thanks Dad. See you then.” Robin says rolling her eyes, a specialty of her’s at this point. You all exit the car and make your way into the gymnasium. 
“Place looks great, our hard work paid off.” Jonathan states, looking around.
“You all did this?” Argyle asked in amazement.
“Well some of it yes.” You answer.
“Rad.” 
The night rolls on smoothly. You’re all horribly dancing to terrible TikTok hits and overplayed songs on the radio, but that’s not stopping you from having a good time. Although every time you would greet a fellow classmate, the majority asked where Eddie was. It hurt but you can’t say you didn’t try. You even tried to request a few songs to the DJ but he just looked at you like you had three heads. However when you requested Taylor Swift he was happy to oblige.
“I’m going to go get some water, anyone want any?” You yell over the music.
“No but we’ll meet you over by the tables, we need a break.” Robin says, pointing to where they’re going to be. You give her a thumbs up and head over to the water table, filling your cup and taking a huge gulp. Who knew dancing would take up this much energy.
“Hey there sonny!” Mrs. K comes on over standing next to you.
“Hi Mrs. K! You look beautiful.”
“As do you! How’s your night going?” Mrs. K seemed a little too upbeat and standing a bit too close. Smelling her breath you knew she definitely had a few to drink before arriving.
“It’s going great. We’re having a fun time.”
“Awesome! Hey, I meant to ask you all earlier. Where’s that Munson kid?” She looks around the dance-floor.
“He’s not coming. He had obligations set already.” 
“Ah, shame, I thought for sure he would be your date.” She playfully hit your arm raising her eyebrows.
“Yeah everyone seems to keep telling me that.” You take another sip of your water.
“Shame shame shame…” She begins to dance and sing, …”sHAME SHAME SHAAMEEE…”
“Here Mrs K,” you hand her a cup of water, “I’m going to go find my friends.” You quickly walk away and return to your group.
“What’s up with Mrs. K?” Jonathan asks.
“I think she may have had some drinks before coming in tonight.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Nancy laughs.
“Yeah I thought something was off about that lady. Is she always like that?” Argyle asks.
“YES.” You all answer in unison, laughing even harder. You all notice the DJ slowing the songs down, indicating it was time for some slow dancing to take place. You all look at eachother, shake your heads and sit on down. You start conversations about your senior year, how Argyle’s school year was back in California and small talk when you notice a familiar song starting to play.
 I Can Dream About You starts playing over large speakers.
“Oh my god, you have got to be kidding.” You say, shaking your head and placing it in your arms on the table.
“What?” Jonathan asks.
“Nothing, it’s this song playing.”
“What about the song?”
“Fate…” Robin says, looking behind you.
“What do you mean fate?” Jonathan was very confused.
“Fate for what?” Argyle was also very confused.
“Fate…” Nancy says.
“What is going on?! And how is the DJ playing this song right now?!” Nancy and Robin nod and point towards the opposite side of the room. You turn around to look and there standing across the way in a dark red button up, black pants and boots is Eddie.
“Holy shit…”
“FATE, I KNEW IT. GO GO GO.” Robin pushes you up. You straighten out your dress and begin to walk towards him. He begins to walk towards you and you meet in the middle of the dance-floor.
“Hey.” You speak first.
“Hey.” He answers.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“Well, a little birdie told me you would look stunning and gorgeous and I just couldn’t pass up that opportunity now could I?” He takes your hand and spins you around to get a better look at you.
“Wait, you actually listened to the radio?”
“Glad I did this time.” Smiling he takes your hand, grabs your waist and you both begin swaying together to the music.
“I can assure you I didn’t put her up to it.”
“I believe you, Robin has balls.” You laugh and look back up at him.
“You look handsome by the way, I’m really glad you showed up.”
“Thanks, me too.” He says quietly. You both continue to dance together, soon enough leaning your head against his chest and listening to his heartbeat. You felt like you were on cloud nine, in a dream. Once the song faded out you separate but he pulls you into a hug, leaving a light kiss on the top of your head. You thought you were going to melt but kept it together.
“By the way, how did you get the DJ to play the song? I requested stuff earlier and he looked at me like I was crazy.”
“I may have slipped him a $20.”
“Eddie Munson you are something else.” You say. You grab his hand and lead him over to the table.
“You actually made it!” Robin gets up first pulling him into a hug followed by Nancy and then Jonathan and Argyle. 
“What made you change your mind?”
“Change of heart, that’s all. Plus it’s halfway over.” He shrugs. He wasn’t going to admit he heard the message on the radio, he didn’t want to give Robin the satisfaction.
“Are you surrrre that’s the only reason why? Huh Huh?!” Robin smirks. Now she’s having way too much fun.
“Hey, you guys did a great job by the way. Place looks awesome.” Eddie points around the room trying so hard to change the subject.
“Thanks, I think we did pretty good.” You say looking around as well.
“So, now what?”
“We dance some more. The night is young my friends!” Robin twirls and starts making her way back to the dance-floor.
“Actually it’s 11:15 so it’s almost time to go.” Argyle yells following her, as does Nancy and Jonathan.
“I was actually going to ask if I can steal you for the rest of the night after this is over.” You smile and look down at the floor. Again, cloud nine. Butterflies and all.
“Movie night?”
“Movie night.”
“COME ON LOVEBIRDS A FEW MORE SONGS PLEASE.” Robin yells, you shrug your shoulders grab his arm and pull him into the crowd against his will.
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The stroke of midnight soon hit and everyone began to leave. You and your friends exit and find Steve leaning up against his car waiting just like earlier.
“Hey Munson, I didn’t know you were coming.” Steve says, shocked to see him.
“Yeah I didn’t think I was going to make it either but I did.” He says.
“Alright kids, where to? The diner, home, a party?”
“The diner please, I’m starving.” Argyle says.
“You’re always hungry Argyle.” Jonathan laughs getting in the car. Steve makes his way over to the drivers side.
“I’m going with Eddie, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” You tell them.
“Okay, drive safe!” Everyone says their final goodbyes as you and Eddie walk over to his van. Ronin leaves you with a wink and pointed finger guns, as you flip her off in the process. 
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The ride back was calm, as music quietly played in the background. As you approach the trailer, you see Wayne exiting the front door.
“Hey Mr. Munson.” You say walking up to him.
“How many times do I have to tell you, it’s Wayne?” He laughs pulling you into a hug.
“I can’t it’s too weird.”
“Well would you look at you. Absolutely beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“Did y’all have a good time?”
“Yes, yes we did. Glad it’s over.” Eddie answers walking over to you both.
“I’m glad to hear that. Well I’m off too work. You both have a goodnight, don’t have too much fun now…”
“Wayne come on…” Eddie sighs walking over and unlocking the door.
“It was good to see you Mr. Munson. Have a safe night at work.”
“Thank you sweetheart.” He nods his head and leaves. You follow behind Eddie and enter.
“I’m going to get you a change of clothes.” 
“Great thanks.” You sit on the couch and take off your shoes, thankful you no longer have to wear them any longer. Eddie walks back out with some clothes in his hand.
“Here you go, the bathroom is all yours. I’m going to get changed in my bedroom.”
“Thanks.” You make your way into the bathroom, only to realize you need help with the zipper. “Shit. Hey Eddie?”
“You okay?”
“Yeah I just need help with my zipper.” You meet him outside the door, he comes out in pj pants and no shirt. You immediately turn around to so your eyes don’t wonder. “It’s uh-”
“I see it don’t worry.” You feel him slowly taking the zipper down your side, holding onto the dress so it doesn’t fall in the process. Your breath starts to pick up and you have to talk yourself into slowing down. You’ve seen him shirtless countless times but this feels different. “Okay, you’re good.”
“Thanks again-” You start to walk back into the bathroom when you feel his hand catch your arm.
“Wait.” You turn around looking up at him. And before you could ask what he wanted, your lips crash. You’re shocked, excited and turned on all at the same time. This is something you’ve wanted, craved for a few years now. Constantly suppressing your feelings because you thought you were crazy, but this, you couldn’t even believe it. Without thinking you wrap your arms around his neck and move in closer, you swore time stopped. As you both part slowly, your dress falls to the floor. “Oh shit!” Eddie covers his eyes and turns around. “I promise I didn’t see anything.” You laugh and bring the dress back up covering yourself again.
“It’s okay. Um, I’m going to get changed now.”
“Yeah you do that I’ll find a movie.” You head back into the bathroom, lock the door and take the deep breath you were holding in. Replaying the moment in your head and doing a tiny happy dance in the process. Eddie gave you pair of pj pants as well with an old Iron Maiden shirt. You lay your dress over the tub and find some makeup remover in the cabinet. You knew Eddie sometimes wore a bit of eyeliner when he played his shows with Corroded Coffin, sometimes you even helped him out with his own fear of poking his eye. After taking off your makeup and cleaning yourself up you headed back out to the living room to find Eddie on his couch scrolling through Netflix. 
You slowly approach him. “Eddie?” He looks up at you. “I really don’t want to watch a movie.”
“I was hoping you would say that.” He gets up and practically runs to you once again connecting his lips to yours, quickly picking you up as you wrap your legs around his waist. You part from his and lean your head against his. “What took us so long?”
“Stupid teenager hormones? Peer pressure? Finally realizing your true feelings?” You answer.
“Sounds about right.” He laughs, kissing you again and walking you both back to his bedroom without breaking the kiss.
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The morning sun was peaking through the window. You squint your eyes and look over at the clock on the nightstand. 8:25am. You rub your eyes and start to get up when you feel some extra weight on you. Eddie’s arm was wrapped around your waist, not giving you enough movement. You smile to yourself and bring yourself closer to him, only to feel him wiggle.
“What time is it?” He asked in a sleepy voice.
“Almost 8:30.”
“Fuck, that’s so early.” He responds pulling you closer.
“It’s really not.” You reply laughing at how sleepy he is. You reach over to your phone on the nightstand and see some text messages.
Robin-Are you awake yet??
Please tell me you’re awake I know it’s 8am but plz.
HHHEEELLLOOOO?
PLZ ANSWER IM DYING TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m awake NOW. 
(unsent) Just please don’t call-
Too late, Robin started a FaceTime call.
“Buckley?” Eddie asks.
“Yup. Can I pick up?”
“Might as well. She should be the first to know.”
“Know what?”
“That we’re kinda official now?” You blush and pick up the phone trying to hide Eddie from sight.
“Hey Robin.”
“HOLY SHIT I’M DYING WHAT HAPPENED?”
“Robin calm down it’s still early and-”
“And we’re just waking up together in the same bed. Can we please call you back after we have some coffee?” Eddie comes into frame. Robin has the biggest grin and smile on her face.
“FINALLY! GUYS THEY DID IT. THEY’RE FINALLY-” Eddie reaches over and presses the hang up button.
“Hey-”
“Hey nothing. I want you to myself this morning.” He flips you so you’re facing him and brings you into a kiss. 
“Did you mean it?”
“Mean what?” 
“That we’re official.”
“Well I think the proper way would be to take you on a few dates, then ask you to be my girlfriend then sleep together but considering we went out of order I just kind of figured you wouldn’t mind.”
“No no, not at all.” You laugh bringing him back down for another kiss. “But I will take you up on that coffee.”
“Will do.” He gets up and starts to head out to the kitchen.
“WAIT.”
“What what?”
“Put some clothes on.” You say throwing him his pants from the night before.
“Yeah that would have been awkward when Wayne gets home.” He slips them on. “By the way, my alarm is going to go off at 8:45 so you can just hit the button.”
“Okay.” You get up yourself and find the clothes he gave you on the floor. As you’re getting dressed, Eddie’s alarm goes off with the radio going off. Right when the song begins to play, Eddie runs back into his bedroom and you just stare at the clock.
🎶 I don’t understand it, can’t keep my mind off loving you  🎶 
“You have got to be kidding.” You whisper.
“I uh, I think we have a song.” Eddie says, looking over at you.
“Yeah, yeah I think we do.” 
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Thank You again for reading! Tumblr is still very new to me in regards to writing and posting stories so I tried my best to follow formats from my fav authors I've read over the last few months! Hopefully It wasn't too bad of a read! :) ❤️
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websterss · 1 year
Text
𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘'𝐑𝐄 𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐄 — 𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐒 𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐊𝐈
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𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: Here’s a little werewolf au I conjured up. The supermoon overpowers Stiles control resulting in a casualty.
𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆(𝐒): ANGST, mentions of dying
𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 1,477
𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: Werewolf!Stiles Stilinski x fem!Reader
𝐀/𝐍: Hope you guys like it! ♡ I tried with the eyes lol, I don’t how to use after effects yet, had to turn to photoshop. :/
𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓
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You didn’t expect to become the only human in the pack. You see there were two humans in the pack, You and Stiles, but after what happened to Stiles, he didn’t have much of a choice. Stile’s life was at stake. He was practically on his deathbed. So, you had to turn to your only option left, Scott. Scott bit Stiles to save his life. It was hard enough as it was, but Stiles becoming a werewolf, now that was even harder. He had a hard time trying to control his shifting. But he had his friends to help him along the way.
“Tell me again why we’re here?” Malia asked. She clearly wasn’t in the mood to attend another pack meeting.
“Because there’s a supermoon tonight, and we need to make sure nobody does anything stupid.” All eyes turn to face Liam.
“Oh, come on, it was one time.” He whined.
“Yeah, and it’s forever engraved in our heads,” Stiles told him. 
“It was really hot out that night.” He shrugged.
“Beacon Hills usually is during the summer.” Stiles quipped.
“Okay we get it guys, knock it off you two.” You gave a playful stern look to them. Whether those two believed it or not they were the best of pals. Liam looked up to Stiles and Scott, but he would appreciate it more if the guidance didn’t consist of the constant sarcasm and teasing. 
“Y/n’s right, we have a serious matter, this isn’t like any other moon we’ve been through, the supermoon will make us more aggressive, stronger, even violent, and we have to stay alert at all times, we can’t risk anyone getting hurt,” Scott informed his pack.
“Or killed,” Malia said. 
“Exactly.” Scott nodded.
“So how will we be able to control it?” Hayden questioned.
“We have chains, shouldn’t that at least help get you all through the night?” Lydia said.
“It’s not enough, everyone would break free instantly.” Scott shook his head. 
“What about mountain ash, would that hold you guys back?” Mason suggested. 
“That’s not a bad idea.” Stiles nodded.
“Great problem solved! Um, but what are we going to do about the human in the room?” You pointed at yourself.
“The human…will stay as far away from any of us.” Stiles flailed his arms around gesturing to the supernatural beings in the room.
“I want to help.” You pleaded.
“No, I’m not risking putting you in danger.”
“I am perfectly capable of staying away from danger.” Stiles stood silent. His shoulders slumped. You were gonna give him a migraine. He looked away shaking his head.
“What, I can!” You raised an eyebrow.
“Just stay home tonight Y/n, please, just go home.” He pointed to the door. Every one of them avoids your gaze. 
“Scott.” You looked at the alpha. 
He sheepishly looked up at you, then at Stiles, who shook his head no. 
“Stiles is right. You could get hurt, Y/n. So stay home okay.”
“Fine.” You muttered. Little did he know you weren’t going to listen to him. 
-
“Okay, I think that’s enough mountain ash to keep you guys’ in.” Mason got up and dusted his palms on his jeans.
“Good job Mason.” Lydia stood beside him behind the line of mountain ash. They decided to keep them all in the library for the night. Scott, Hayden, Liam, Malia, and Stiles were all chained up to poles, the mountain ash was for just in case. All of them could feel how the super moon was affecting them. They let out grunts and growls. Fur growing on their face, claws coming out of their fingernails. It was a recipe for a disaster.
“I think that’s our cue to leave!” Mason started tugging on Lydia’s upper arm.
“Good idea.” She nodded her head in agreement. They ran out into the hall hoping that the mountain ash was enough to keep them from running wild into the night. When they thought they were good, it just got worse. They saw you walking past them. Lydia immediately calls after you to retreat.
You walked towards another set of doors pushing it forwards, the door creaking in response. You stood in the hallway. Staring down the dark eery hallways. There wasn’t anyone around. You never liked school at night. That gut feeling in your chest was telling you to turn back, and you almost did, except the low growl behind you caused a chill down your spine. You spun around slowly, your breathing labored as you now face what you were scared of encountering tonight. Your boyfriend was in full rage. You keep still in your tracks as two glowing eyes stare right back at you.
“Stiles.” You slowly stood. The only response was a grunt and heavy breathing. That further told your flight or fight response to take a step away from him.
“This isn’t you okay, it’s the moon taking control of you.” 
“This is me!” He roared, making you flinch.
“No, it’s not!” You cried out. You took each step back with caution.
“Baby, just, just find an anchor, okay? Yeah, an anchor, okay. Think of me.” You nodded.
“The only thing I’m thinking is wanting to sink my teeth in that pretty neck of yours!” 
Oh you were in total shit.
“Stiles please, okay. You have to fight this!” You pleaded. You couldn’t stop crying.
“Y/N!” You whipped your head to see Lydia and Mason approaching you. Stiles took your distraction as an advantage, rushing forward, full charge, the collision of your bodies was enough to knock you off balance. You slipped on your feet falling on your back.
“Stiles...” You whispered out in pain. You watched him slowly hover over you looking at you as if you were prey. Your eyes widened fearing the worst to come.
“No!” Lydia screamed, she was running to you as fast as she could in her heeled boots. Mason watched in terror as you screamed out in agony. 
You didn’t know what was happening. It felt like a blur. You felt a tremendous amount of pain in your chest, your senses were going numb. You were going in and out of an unconscious state of mind. Then everything seemed to go dark. Stiles had finally stopped, his brain slowly starting to process what he just did. His claws were dripping with blood. Your blood. His eyes went back to their original chocolate brown. He hesitantly brought a hand to your face caressing it softly. His eyes trailed down to the gory sight of your chest and stomach covered in claw marks. His doing. He let out a shaky breath as his eyes found your face again. His hand hovering over you, not wanting to further touch you, but his heart was trying to reach out for you
“Y/n? Y/n, hey, please wake up.” He whispered. “Y/n, please!”
“Stiles!” Scott’s voice rang out like an echo. Footsteps could be heard beating down the hall, growing closer to the messy sight of you laying still in Stiles’ arms.
“No, no, no! Y/n!” Stiles yelled out. He brought you into his chest, rocking you back and forth and kissing your temple. Your head pulled back. Eyes closed. Your whole body was limp. You were practically weightless. He could no longer hear your heart beating.
“No, baby, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He choked up. “Open your eyes, let me see them again, please...” He weeped.
Scott, Malia, Liam, and Hayden didn’t hear the rhythmic beating in your chest no more. You were gone. Lydia was on the floor weeping for you.
Stiles had a feeling that someone was going to end up hurt, he knew the risks of the supermoon, but he didn’t think you were going to be the casualty of tonight, nor did he think that he would be the one to take away your life. Sirens could be heard from a distance. It wasn’t the ambulance though, it was Stiles’ father and Deputy Parrish.
“Stiles...” Sheriff Stilinski ran up to his son, his gaze stopped on you. “Oh god...Is she?”
“Yeah,” Lydia responded.
“Oh god…” Sheriff Stilinski ran a hand down his face. It was bad enough he was dealing with all the supernatural stuff, but to see you, his son’s girlfriend lying dead in his arms was worse. He saw you like his own daughter and wanted to keep you safe, but then again no one was ever safe in Beacon Hills.
“I killed her dad,” Stiles muttered. 
“Stiles-” His dad started.
“No! She’s dead because of me. She’s dead!” He shouted out. All gazes suddenly fell on him.
Everyone knew what would happen if they ever took an innocent’s life. They’ve heard the stories. They knew the outcome. They knew how Derek ended up.
“What?” He cried out. 
“Stiles…your eyes, they’re blue.”
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babycatlix · 4 months
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hello friends! 🩵 happy new year! i hope 2024 is good to you!
another year gone! last year, when i made a post like this, it was all mushy and i was all sentimental, so i'll try to not be as mushy this time.
i started out pretty strong last year, i was determined to keep up with certain things, but as you might've seen... i did not do that well 😅 my mental health went kind of haywire after spring break, when i didn't have my laptop for a week and i didn't make as many sets as i had hoped. but i'm doing better now and i'm trying to get back into the swing of things. my laptop was also dying a lot more frequently. it would crash, not connect to the internet, and photoshop would sometimes randomly quit and i would lose all my work. so it was difficult for me to stay motivated when i was afraid one or all of those things would happen.
however, over my winter break from work (that was much needed), i got a new computer and i'm feeling super motivated to get shit done! and i am feeling better mentally. even though i was sick for 5 of the 15 days i was off... which pissed me off to no end! i did manage to make at least 20 gifsets during my break, which is 20 more sets than i had before break. i'm trying to be kinder to myself about "not keeping up" and with some silly motivational stickers, i think i'm getting better at being okay with what i can do 🩵
i wanna thank some ppl and some networks for keeping me sane throughout the year. no particular order, just alphabetical. i love and appreciate each and every one of you! even if we don't talk as often as we used to, i still love you a whole lot 🩵
mutuals & other lovely peoples
@agibbangs / @atinystraykid / @boba-skz / @chanrizard / @changbeens / @chanstopher / @cheekyquokka / @foxinys / @freckledbbokkie / @galacticlycoris / @geniaparadox / @ggthydrangea / @hanjesungs / @hanarchy / @hyunebear / @jerirose / @jinniebit / @jisungs / @juiceofmoons / @jisungsjaistandjeekies / @haenglixie / @lee--felix / @leefelex / @dinoboos / @missyedits / @nevoono / @quokki / @snug-gyu / @spuppym / @strayklds / @straykidsgallery / @sunnishine / @winterfloral / @yonglixx
networks
@createskz / @kpopcontentcreatorsclub / @channiesnet / @linosource / @felixleenet / @seungminsource / @dancerachasource / @3rachasource / @bystay / @jypartists / @skzgram
here's hoping 2024 is better than 2023! if you're going out for new year's please be safe, make good choices, and definitely stay hydrated! 🩵 and if no one's told you recently, i'm proud of you and you're doing great! 🥰
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aenslem · 7 months
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a very foking detailed GIF tutorial you asked for and how I color my gifs
However, I color them individually, so there will be explanation of tools I choose instead of showing what settings I used for this specific gif in this tutorial.
I will go through entire process of how I create gifs, the process of gifmaking can be different for others and there is no obligation of how to create a gif. Basically, do it however you like and enjoy the process.
this is part I, part II is here\in reblogs.
First, you will need to prepare everything, you choose the moment you want to gif and make screencaps. I use mpv player to create them, here is a great tutorial on how to install it. So I won't go over it, just follow it and or use another player which allows to make screencaps, such as kmplayer.
Once you make screencaps go to photoshop - file - scripts - load files into stack - browse - select screencaps and upload them.
At this point I will also add that I use keyboard shortcuts a lot, you can set them up to your preference, that is much easier for me and might be for you too, and I am so used to them that I forget where are some settings. You can do it from edit - keyboard shortcuts, you may set up anything there.
You will have all screencaps uploaded into one file. Once I have it I change canvas/image size, I also remove 10 pixels from each side, because I hate that some files have that weird black line which looks awful on gifs. But that's up to you. Use proper dimensions for tumblr, that is important since your gifs will look 'not good' when you upload them. I will go with 540x500px this time. (correct dimensions for tumblr are 540px for big gifs, 268px for two gifs along each other and 177-178-177px for the three gifs together)
Go to images - image size (crtl+alt+i) and change the size.
After that I make animation, because without it we would not be able to convert all the screencaps into smart filters. Go to windows - timeline
you will have something like this by default
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click on create frame animation - then on 4 horizontal lines which will open menu - make frames from layers
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click on convert to video timeline (that 3 horizontal lines and 1 vertical line or whatever it is, right under the first layer) you will get something like this.
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now, this will be animated. If you choose convert to video timeline right away it will not be animated.
Now, select all the layers - filters - convert to smart filters
You will have something like this, and if you play it - it will be animated anyway. That way you can edit ALL the screencaps at once.
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I usually start with sharpening, settings may change according to the files I have, for some you will need more sharpening, for some less. I go with filters - sharpen - smart sharpen and usually that's enough
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but I sometimes add more sharpening, just change radius to 0,2. So, repeat the action.
You will have it like this
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and at any point of making gif you will be able to change settings for it, if after coloring it will look not as good as you wanted to.
I will not go into a lot of details about coloring for this gif, because does not matter how good the coloring on this gif will be, it won't work as good on another gif.
There is no right way to start coloring, you may start with curves, levels or selective colors depending on the screencaps you want to edit.
Well, this time I did start with layer - new adjustment layer - curves. (yeah, i guess by the end of the day we all do lmao) (Always use 'layer - new adjustment layer'. That's the only thing I suggest to remember when you color. ) Just to brighten gif a little bit, but you also can change colors with it.
those are not settings I used for this gif!
Curves have option to edit colors, just press RGB and you will see options for RED, GREEN, BLUE. Upper slider adds the said color, the slider at the bottom removes it. That's a great tool if you have a very red\yellow\blue\green scene, with those settings and moving sliders here and there you will be able to add the color you want, for red scene I suggest to use more green and blue, as well as for yellows but with less green. Just move them to see what fits your gif better.
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there are also eyedrop tools which will help you to edit picture, with the first one you need to find the darkest part of your gif and click, it will adjust your picture according to it. If there's too much red, it will make it bluer, etc. The middle one is the one I use the most out of them, cos it changes the midtones, it's great if you have very yellow picture, just press the yellow part and it will make it bluer\greenish, depends on the picture, and then you can adjust it to make it look better. And the last one you can use to lighten picture as well, just find the brightest part of the picture and press it. It will adjust other colors accordingly.
I like to play with settings, I could add more darkness to the gif by levels, by selective colors making dark colors even darker, but sometimes I just use layer - new adjustment layer - black & white. Putting it on soft light blending mode and changing opacity. Idk, I like the effect :D Also, by using these, you will be able to darken part or lighten specific colors
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so yeah, play around and figure out what is the best way for you.
after that I used layer - new adjustment layer - selective colors. I think this is one of my favorite tools out there, I love it, I usually end up with 30 selective color layers if I make a super complex gif :D
You can change colors with it, make them more vibrant, or less.
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for each color you will have 'cyan, magenta, yellow and black' and by dragging sliders you can change colors, make them darker or lighter for the lovers of those paster gifs :D
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But don't worry, that's not where I will go with the gif, so it will look better, i promise.
You know how much I love making blue even more blue. So I go with more selective color layers to enhance it.
You do not have to use just one, and you won't be able to make it with just one sometimes. So add as many as you like to get the result you want.
next is one of my favorites - layers - adjustment layers - levels
with it you can darken colors or lighten them, there's also auto, as well as on curves, which will find the most suitable settings for your picture.
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I hardly ever change the middle slider, cos
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nope.
so, we are at this part of the gif by dragging sliders.
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next one I used is layers - adjustment layers - color balance. right now I will stop adding directory, this tutorial is already long enough, so most of the things are there in layers - adjustment layers.
Absolutely love it, most of settings do the same things but a little differently, this one changes colors but also entire picture, not just part of it. You have shadows, midtones and highlights
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Each of them is really great when you have a yellow\red\blue\green picture to edit. And each of them has 3 sliders cyan\magenta\yellow.
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You see, if you drags sliders the other way it will make picture more yellow.
END OF PART I
since tumblr
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randomyuu · 16 days
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so hold my hand (consign me not to darkness) [1/4]
Ah, yes. The fic that made me realise I’m in desperate need of Cursed Spirit Gojou in my ever-growing favourite GoYuu tropes.
Content Warning!
Major Character Death. Other characters are disrespectful to the corpse.
I highly suggest you read the fic first, or just the fic, since I don’t think I was properly able to adapt it into drawings. While I managed to use roughly two weeks of on-and-off planning, researching, and storyboarding, I only had a full week to finish it. You can read more of my thoughts below the comic if you’re curious.
Title: so hold my hand (consign me not to darkness)
Author: qalb_al_louz
It’s ongoing, and as of this drawing, the fic is in its third chapter. While this is (sexually) SFW, always be mindful of the tags! Please keep yourself safe and sound.
Please read from right to left, and enjoy!
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You can only upload 30 images in one post, huh Damn, I gotta divide it into parts
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
Alrighty, I'll put my watered down unhinged thoughts below. No extra drawings down there if you're curious haha (unless you want to see the storyboard and the characters' full body character sheet, lemme know). You can skip the stuff underneath the Keep Reading for all parts.
This fic had me grinning from ear to ear every time I read this. The atmosphere, how it goes from POV to POV—of pure fear and panic—and the peak excitement I got when Yuuji properly meets Gojou, like brooooo 😭
Gosh I cannot emphasise how much I love this fic. I’ve always been wanting to make a whole comic out of it, especially since it was 2 chapters and it doesn’t look like the author will update it, but it just… kind of forgotten ∠( ᐛ 」∠)_
But then the author posted a new chapter and I told myself this is a sign I should really start.
also goddamn I was so naive to think I can tackle 2 chapters as comic—no I was in fact cannot
The moment I laid my eyes on the first paragraph, things were portrayed very vividly in my mind. The panel, the angle, Gojou's head rolling down... I was like, hell yeah. Then I continued reading and I finally succumbed to my desire to draw this out.
At first I want to adapt this into a vertical format like those manhwas. However the longer I try to learn and storyboard it... I am simply not yet comfortable with it, especially for such a big project. Even the 1st storyboard starts vaguely vertical before the panels quickly crammed into that B4-B5 format lol. The first sketch estimated 69 (heh) pages for 90% of chapter 1. I said "no" for my own sanity and fully focused on the usual manga format and it was narrowed down to 60. Still a lot though, quantity and time-wise. So with a heavy heart, I can only do the majority of chapter 1 :”) I really really want to draw Sukuna talks back to Gojou—do you have any idea how good that scene was??? Gojou tried so hard to restrain himself, he’s so other I love him 😭
Due to the sheer length of this comic (I'm still in disbelief), I have limit lots of things, and that includes the drawing. If you've seen my other JJK fanarts, they are more rendered than this one. Well, this one is purely sketched with the help of the eraser to tidy up some lines. This is also the first fanart that I did purely on Photoshop, so I can control the typesets and drawings in one place. Usually, I use Photoshop for panels and typesetting and Krita for drawing.
I don't really like Photoshop's brush, but it did really well in curbing my perfectionist tendencies, so that's good.
It's also been quite a while since I draw in general (sobs) so... yeah, you might find differences, or not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!
I know setting is important, but maaan I genuinely won't miss rereading chapter 83-93 with a heavy focus on background and character locations. I just want to read the action and dialogue😭 However continuity is really important. But my spatial intelligence is almost non-existent even GPS sometimes can't help me. All I'm saying is that if you find some silly drawing mistakes, do forgive me ∠( ᐛ 」∠)_I only drew all this in a week because otherwise I won't have another chance to complete this.
Well, lots of things I won't miss from this project, but haha let's talk about the characters instead because holy shit what was I thinking, starting this year drawing this many characters in the same project??? I have never drawn anyone here except for Yuuji, Gojou, Nanami and Megumi. I don't think I've ever drawn older Getou before. I already forgot how to draw my boy Yuuji and I gotta draw all these people???
This is what you call making a bad decision, kids. Don't do your "drawing warmup" after months of not drawing and tackling a project of a scale way bigger than you've ever tackled before.
Thank you for reading this far! I hope you find my complaint entertaining! But make no mistake, I genuinely still love the fic. Drawing this, even with all the headaches it gave me, only makes me adore this fic even more.
Thank you very much to each one of you who follows and leaves comments and tags on my silly art—it never failed to make my day :D And I sincerely wish this one also made your day or even made your minute! I'll see you in the next part!
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klapollo · 1 month
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tbh more than the fact that late night with the devil uses AI art so heavily in the production i'm insulted by the fact that they did it so sloppily with zero refinement. it's got all the stereotypical trademarks of lazy AI art -- the fucked up fingers, major details of images looking disfigured and melted, nonsense components to the image that shouldnt be there.
and i think this is revealing about people who want to use AI to replace artists. they don't even know how to work the machines, they just think the minimum is enough. why, in your movie that you are releasing to theaters that i am paying two digit prices to see, are you serving me crap visuals that you didnt even bother to meaningfully edit. as an audience to your work it makes me feel like you think i'm a rube and that you don't need to try. it makes me feel like a teacher realizing their student copied and pasted a section of their essay off wikipedia -- did you think i wasn't smart enough to notice? did you not even try to hide it? why should i believe that you're actually committed to your craft if you can't even be bothered to futz around in photoshop in post production?
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musashi · 1 year
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been a few days and i’m still caught somewhere between heartbroken and steaming so here’s a post about it, i guess, i don’t know if this will be something anyone wants to reblog but here we go.
a person’s love language and how it manifests, how they navigate it, etc, is completely unique to them. i don’t understand how this became a topic of debate, i don’t know if it was this weird new wave of... tiktok psychology, or what, but. every single person has a unique relationship to their love language(s). you cannot just... paint every single one with a broad brush.
twice now i have seen posts condemning acts of service as some kind of “problematic” love language. one of them was a uquiz that asked me what my love language was. it proceeded to list all of them except acts of service, and claimed vaguely “break out of that toxic childhood mindset!” in a tone that i think was intended to be motivational. all it did was make me furious.
if your love language is something that is born out of trauma, you are not wrong or broken for that. you deserve a space to express that in. however, sometimes it is not that fucking deep.
my love language being acts of service is not originated by some deep wound or secret trauma. i saw another post just the other day claiming that acts of service bitches could not handle “being loved for who they are, rather than what they can do for others”
bro. it is not that fucking deep, and quite frankly i am... insulted. i do not give love because i am expecting love in return. my love is not... transactional? my love is not given with the expectation that it will... attach someone to me, or whatever the fuck the above means?
i want to cook for you. i want to clean for you. i want to have your favourite show on and dinner made when you get home, i want to draw you a bath. my cupboards are littered with hot drinks--cocoa, coffee, tea. i don’t drink them. my pantry is loaded with food--food i don’t eat, on my strict diet. the dream is that someone will come over. the dream is that i will feed them, and wrap them up in a soft blanket, and wash their dirty dishes for them. that is the end of the transaction. in many of these daydreams it is not a friend but a stranger. someone i will never see again. the JOY in these acts is nothing more than the smile on their face and the act of making it happen. it does not go further than that.
i make my friend soup. they are happy because the soup is good. i am happy because they are happy. end of fucking transaction.
there is no secret trauma behind this. i was not forced to take care of anyone in a traumatic way. growing up i was an incredibly narcissistic and selfish child who was mean and cruel and liked to get into fights and do a lot of drugs. there was not a single part of me that was nurturing, or forced to nurture. 
when i am showing love, i am not sitting there subconsciously thinking “oh! i am doing a service for this person, they will find me useful and want to keep me around! they will HAVE to love me if i do things for them!” anyone who knows me knows i don’t give a single shit what anyone thinks about me. i literally just delight in moving my hands, and i also delight in making people happy. when combined this forms acts of service.
i like to tidy. i like to do tasks. i like to organize, and clean, and move my hands. i like to run errands. with my long distance friends, it took me a while to recognize what this love language looks like--but i like to beta their fic, and i like to make edits for them... sometimes my friends need something transparent, or a gif, so i do little long distance chores in photoshop. 
sometimes when people say thank you, my response is “i live to serve.” this is because my ultimate fantasy is that i am a medieval knight venturing the countryside saving ladies from monsters. even when i was little, and all piss and vinegar, every once in a while i’d fall in love with a girl. and it made me furious to be in love, because it was so immolative in the way i felt my blood go alight. i didn’t know how to wax poetic, or buy her flowers, or explain what i felt. but i knew what i wanted to do: i wanted to save her from schoolyard bullies, blood on my knuckles. i wanted to carry her out of a burning building. i wanted to pull her into piggyback on a dark night and sprint down the streets of our small town, out of her stifling house where things got broken and people screamed. i wanted to move, i wanted to act. 
it’s really hard to say, “hi. i love you. i want to slay a dragon in your name, i want my foot on its motionless chest and my sword buried in its throat while i stare lovingly at you across the divide,” to a girl when you like her. to a friend when you really connect with them. so, like, i do chores for them, instead.
as a rule it is fucking weird when strangers psychoanalyze you based on something completely arbitrary, but this one kinda fucking hurts? do not tell people, especially strangers, that their love is from a broken place. if your love is from somewhere dark, unpack that in private, i genuinely do hope you heal, i hope you feel better, i hope it passes through you painlessly and someday you are okay. but do not project that hurt onto others. there is nothing broken or wrong or secretly painful about the way i love.
if no one ever thinks of me twice, if no one ever loves me, then i will carry on as i always have. i already love myself more than any person walking this earth could love me. if no one ever loves me, i will act as i always have. i will love, as i always have.
i literally just want to make you some tea. there is nothing deeper. have some tea.
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