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iamanartichoke · 3 years

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I am posting this mostly to get it off my chest, and I'll probably regret it, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think the biggest problem I have with Fandom Wank(tm) in regards to positivity or negativity, is what bothers me has literally nothing to do with whether one's positivity/negativity will turn out to be right.

last night I followed a couple of posts and went down a rabbit hole of "series negativity" bashers' posts, bc apparently I hate myself and do not wish to be in a good mental space right now, and the common thread I noticed is that those who are overwhelmingly positive and take issue with criticism seem to be doing so bc they see their own versions of Loki being portrayed on-screen, either as how they've interpreted him as a character in generral or as how they've written him in fics. And not only are they fiercely protective of those versions but they also get validation from the confirmation that their Loki is The Right Loki(tm). Criticism takes the on-screen portrayal (and, subsequently, their own personal versions of The Right Loki(tm)) and says, uh, I can't actually see Loki doing this? I think this is ooc? I think Loki as portrayed here is not consistent with previous portrayals? -

- and suddenly you've got this rabid backlash on your hands where it becomes 'omg stop being toxic,' 'your headcanon is not canon' (look in the mirror), 'this is tom's loki so it's accurate,' 'i see no difference whatsoever in characterization y'all're just deluded and have invented a loki that never existed' (tf????), etc.

And I can't help but conclude that the backlash against criticism/negativity has nothing to do with the criticism itself; it's more to do with the undermining of someone else's validation in how they view this character.

This is purely speculation. There's some mental gymnastics here, admittedly. I could be way off base and I realize that I risk my post being shared and misconstrued and mocked by even posting it publicly. But the only reason I'm writing this - and thus getting it off my chest after my spiral down the rabbit hole - is bc from my point of view, I didn't feel like my experience in enjoying this tv show was being threatened until the discourse backlash over the negativity started spilling onto my dash. Not the negativity itself; the actual discourse. (And, look, there's a lot of negativity that's been posted that I don't agree with whatsoever, and there's other negativity that I may agree with but don't agree that it's an issue, or - my point is, this isn't bc I don't have conflict with the actual arguments themselves.)

Full disclosure: for the first three weeks, I was more positive than not regarding the show. (I think I still am.) I posted about what I liked but I also posted about what I felt was ooc and about the elements I liked less. A lot of my mutuals are not thrilled (to say the least) with the show, so there was already a ton of negativity on my dash and I personally went through a few minor meltdowns on whether or not I was on the right page with my enjoyment when so many others (whose opinions I trust and whose versions of Loki [that I've read] in fic ring true to me) were not sharing that enjoyment.

I did/have been talking it out with friends who feel similarly and I've more or less come to terms with being in the middle. And in the meantime, when I felt like the negativity was not something I wanted to be cognizant of, I skipped those posts entirely. Doing these things allowed me to come to terms with where I was standing regarding my overall feelings on the series, and overall enjoyment with my fandom experience.

And then, mostly after episode 3 (which seems to be the most divisive so far), discourse started popping up on my dash more and more. I'm defining discourse, in this context, as 'wank regarding whether or not Loki is actually ooc, wank over people who enjoy the show not wanting to see the negativity, wanky posts asking people who are critical to reserve judgement until the show has finished airing (but praise is fine)' -

- and suddenly, I feel much more self-conscious about posting my takes. Suddenly I feel much more anxiety about hitting the "post" button when said post is more critical than not. Suddenly I am worried about who, exactly and actually, is reading my posts? Who is going to decide to paraphrase my takes and include them in a 'guess what they're complaining about NOW' post? Who is going to decide to pass around a post I've made only to mock it, as has happened to some of my friends already?

Over the past three days, I have gotten 30+ new followers, and instead of feeling good about it - hey, some of these may be porn bots but still, people are interested in my blog?! - I feel just increasing anxiety about it bc, I mean, I don't know who anyone is or what they're here for.

I do not feel secure in the current fandom environment, is what I'm saying, and the reason I do not feel secure is not because of the negativity; it's because of the wank coming from the people who post about the negativity and mock the negativity and call other fans deluded stans who have a shitty grasp on characterization, story telling, and Loki in general. It's Ragnarok bullshit all over again, only worse.

And this circles me back to my original point, which is that the anxiety and the wank/discourse and whatever else really has nothing to do with the on-screen portrayal of Loki.

For me, personally? It took me awhile to realize it, admittedly, but I did realize that I do not care if what I perceive as ooc actually isn't. I do not care if the final product of Loki - once the entire series has aired - is a different Loki than what I've written and perceived as "my" Loki all this time. It's not going to make me feel like less of a fan or less valid; it's just going to make me feel like I have a perception of Loki that may differ in some ways with "canon Loki" but is still similar enough that I will continue to enjoy engaging with him and writing meta about him and writing fic about him and sharing those things with people who view Loki similarly. Likewise, I am not going to feel less valid as a writer and a critical thinker; it doesn't make me feel like I have anything to prove.

So if the root of the wank is coming down to the negativity making you feel less valid or less vindicated bc "your" Loki matches the show but is being called ooc by a lot of other fans, like, maybe take a step back and consider not taking it personally? Maybe really think about why the fact that negativity exists bothers you so much? Bc I mean, at the end of the day, it's not like Tom Hiddleston himself is going to descend from the clouds with a choir of angels singing and acknowledge any one of us as The One True Fan Who Has The Best Interpretation Ever of Loki. So what actual difference does it make if (we agree or disagree that) he's ooc or not?

Ultimately I'm just saying, there is definitely wank that is ruining the fandom atmosphere and the show in general, and it's not coming from those who are posting their negativity and criticism of the source material.

*Disclaimer that this is how I am perceiving and interpreting things today and possibly in general, but I'm not necessarily saying that my perception is factual to what is actually happening. I don't know what is happening. This is the guess that I've come up with in order to reconcile the fandom discomfort I feel, discomfort which is ruining the show for me, and where it's all coming from.

** Second disclaimer that I have unfollowed those who were participating in the wank, if I was following them in the first place, to the point that it made me uncomfortable, and obviously this post doesn't apply to everyone bc there is a certain amount of just being tired of it that I understand, so if we're mutuals, this doesn't apply to you regardless of where you stand on the wank.

*** Third disclaimer that said fandom environment is what makes me feel like I have to add disclaimers on every fucking thing I say, partly bc people read what they want to read and partly bc I have very debilitating anxiety regarding being misunderstood.

#fandom wank #i am going to regret posting this i already know it #but i'm posting it anyway not only to get it off my chest but #on the off chance someone else feels similarly and needs to see it #don't @ me #- or @ me if you really want to i suppose #loki tv series spoilers #kinda?#not really?#not sure how to tag this to avoid potential spoilers but #not tryna have this end up in any main tags either #which btw if you're gonna come at me don't come at me regarding negativity being posted in main tags and you wouldn't be commenting #on it if it wasn't there to begin with bc it doesn't negate that there's an issue at root here that is concerning but also #tumblr fucking sucks their tagging system sucks and their blocking system sucks so it's very likely that stuff that ends up #in the main tags got there accidentally or wasn't intended to be there so just use the nifty little scroll button #to scroll on by kthnx #well this post is an adventure isn't it #smh #tag rambles

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morvantmortuary · 2 years

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Don’t question the speed.

🎁&🎥 for the October Arc?

(I only consider it an honor babe 🖤😂🥰

both of these got long - mea culpa - do they’re below the cut!!

🎁- Any writing advice for people who want to write something like this?

Can I just say how flattered I am that you’d ask this question to begin with? bc I really am!!

My best advice actually applies to all the longer stuff I’ve written, including urges and fswl over on my other blog - apologies if any of it seems obvious:

1. Do the thing that interests you most, and then just do the parts of it that interest you. You put way too much yourself if you think you have to write the Be All End All accurate depiction of whatever thing you’re writing, be it historical archives or mortuary science or Victorian switch relationships. As long as you’ve at least done a reasonable amount of research on your subject (as in, you’re not just walking in cold and hitting “post” when you’re trying to include a lot of really specific detail), then you should be okay! And even then, it’s okay to get things wrong, as long as you’re willing to go “oh whoops my bad” or something of the sort and tidy it up for later. Just remember that the people reading your work aren’t going to be quizzing you on every last detail you put in there (unless they have a lot of time on their hands) - generally, I just appreciate it when I see someone has enthusiasm for what/when/who they’re writing about, and for the rest I’m willing to go along for the ride. But if you’re like me and you tend to dig yourself into big-ass projects that spiral out before you know what you’re doing, you’ll definitely want to make sure you at least like what you’re writing about enough to want to spend hours with it. I’ve been living in Greymoon in my head for months, at this point, and that’s only because I stuck to the parts of it that have interested me most, rather than the parts that maybe logically you’d encounter first. Sounds super basic, I know, but you’d be surprised how many holes I’ve dug myself into on previous stories that never saw the light of day bc the initial fascination didn’t turn out to be sustainable!

2. There’s a million ways to phrase this next part, but I think the most candid way would be me talking to a very dear friend in the gc the other night (hey wanda! ♥️):

I have had multiple moments across all of these stories where I’m like “is this The Line? is this Too Much? Is this going to be the thing where everyone goes ‘oh jesus give me a break’ and dips?”

Whenever you are faced with this choice, I’m going to beg you to do the thing that you’re thinking about holding back. Which sounds so cheesy, but it’s completely true!! Some of my favorite moments in all these stories have been where I’m like “mmm I don’t know” and then entirely leaned into it bc what were people going to do, really??? I’ve absolutely had people stop reading my stuff before after certain moments where I’ve done this, and it sucks, for sure!! but what’s the point of writing something if you’re not going to make it what you want to read, first and foremost??? It’s your baby. Follow your rabbit holes and impulses, because they’re what makes your work your own. 🖤 I had completely different outlines for all three Morvants when I first drafted them, but then when I really started writing, I had a moment for all of them where I felt that pull and followed it, and here we are. :3c

3. Get yourself a supportive group of friends!! Writing is a solo activity, and most of the time when I’m writing, I’m spending hours at a time pretty much dead to the world (except when my cat jumps on my lap and reminds me he needs fed). But the thinking/brainstorming time is so much more fun when you have people you can share your little fictional guys with!! I love writing for this blog and sharing with y’all when you write into the askbox, even if I’m kind of quiet socially. There have been definite points where I’m like “ooh I can’t wait to post this and see what people think omg,” and that’s half the fun 🥰 But also, get some fellow writers who will be there for you when you just wanna bang your head against your keyboard, and the whole thing will feel so much better. 🖤 As I’ve mentioned a few times, I’m really lucky to be part of a gc that originally started as a few fellow fanfic writers hanging out to watch Daniel Brühl movies, and now we have a separate chat where we talk about stuff we’re writing/things we’re trying to iron out/moments we’re just feeling blah about our own work. I really honestly wouldn’t have gotten nearly as far as I did on the October Arc without them, and their kindness and encouragement really has meant the world. 🖤 I also have an IRL friend in my grad program who’s a fellow fiction writer, and we frequently hang out and talk plot/characters when we get coffee each week or hang out on the weekends. Find some people who can get excited with you about the parts where you’re not posting a finished polished thing, and it’ll be so much more fun, I promise!!

🎥- Were there any tv shows, books, or movies that influenced this verse, if any?

this isn’t quite what this question is looking for, but I wasn’t kidding when I said this is one of the most personal stories I’d ever written - certain parts of it are definitely from my life. I had a cancer scare when I was in elementary school, which kind of cracked my existential egg and I’ve been obsessed with death and funerary traditions ever since (much to my mom’s dismay lmao). my dad’s family was Cajun, and spoke mostly French until a generation ago, so I grew up with stories of some of the folklore that’s going to turn up later. I’ve been writing stories set in Louisiana for years; one of the people you’re going to meet in the next Arc is actually from my college capstone that was set in another small town like Greymoon with even more weird shit going on lmao. We actually have family on my dad’s side who are in the funeral business, but unfortunately I’ve never met them lol. I also grew up in Texas, which partially inspired Hector and his family being from Mexico. Maggie (name changed) is based on a beloved family cat who got out one weekend when we were out of town and never came home. Lula (name changed) was based on my late real aunt who I was very close to, growing up. when Maxi’s proving to Reader in Lovesong part 2 he can talk to ghosts, Reader and Lula’s last goodbye was how my last goodbye to her actually went. I got in the habit of leaving her places in my stories where she could pop in if she ever wanted to visit. <3

Part of it is also from my academic background - I’ve been studying the Southern Gothic subgenre for almost a decade now, and I’ve been into Horror since I was a wee babybat renting my first R movie lmao. a lot of this is from a lifetime of being into weird shit, but I tried to break down the major stuff as best I could!

for the story in general:

the True Blood tv series - both for setting vibes, and bc a rewatch with an old friend reminded me how much I love Denis O’Hare. Vincent is hugely based in my mind on his turn as Russell Edgington in s3, especially his news station monologue - check it out if you haven’t seen it, ever.

the Van Helsing movie with Hugh Jackman - this inspired my love of huge masquerade scenes that are actually a trap, plus I just love how earnestly big and sweeping and cheesy it is.

Angela Carter’s The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories - there’s a reason I listed this as Rora’s favorite book in particular, which I’ll get into in a minute, but also her prose so inspires me and my concepts of romance that I can’t not give it credit for affecting the story overall.

Nuke’s Top 5, Nexpo, and Reignbot on YouTube - these are three of my favorite creepy Youtube channels, and I keep them on rotation when I need a dose of inspiration/need to get into a spooky mood. [Big ass content warning for these, because some of the IRL things the latter two cover in particular can be really quite upsetting.]

Nexpo actually also turned me on to Local 58, whose two videos “Contingency” “You are on the Fastest Available Route” and “Show for Children” are inspirations for the vibe of Greymoon as a whole. (Warning on Contingency, as it’s a fake news bulletin telling people to kill themselves. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

The Interview with a Vampire movie, mostly for setting vibes but also for how the human members of They Who Decide see themselves. (Plus, Tom Cruise in that wig! Goddamn!)

Dangerous Games to Play in the Dark by Lucia Peters

Romance Novels in general - specifically, Sarah MacLean or Lisa Kleypas. Just try one. Trust me.

Maxi:

Bryan Fuller’s Pushing Daisies series - I think Maxi and Ned are really quite similar in a lot of ways (although Maxi is a bit less withdrawn due to his work), but especially in how they feel about Final Them and Chuck, respectively.

The original Candyman film - good lord, if I don’t have a huge residual crush on Tony Todd. Maxi’s “Be my victim” speech in spellbound (reprise) is an homage to the same speech Robitaille gives Helen at the climax of the movie. It’s flawed for sure, and parts of it haven’t aged well, but gosh if I don’t still love it.

Caitlin Doughty’s “Ask a Mortician” channel on Youtube - she’s been really great for learning about the technical bits of the Mortuary, plus she and the Order of the Good Death are up to some really good work when it comes to death acceptance/awareness/planning in the US.

Truman Capote’s Other Voices, Other Rooms - there’s a lot that can be said about this book, and there’s a reason I named it Maxi’s favorite. It’s got some flaws related to when it was written (namely its treatment of its Black characters), but I feel like Maxi would relate a lot to Joel in particular of just feeling lost and nothing feeling like it should.

The Addams Family, obviously, but especially the two ‘90s Barry Sonnenfeld movies and the ‘60s sitcom! He’s both inspired by Gomez, and in the story itself, he thinks of Gomez v much as Goals

A lot of Maxi’s specific arc was inspired by when I was reading Carol Clover’s Men, Women, and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film for my grad school exams lmao. It was written in the ‘80s and ‘90s, so some of the theory is out of date, but I still find it super helpful!

Anything to do with the Mütter Museum, but especially the helpful videos on their channel on YouTube.

Hector:

Hector’s particular look was inspired by Diego’s role in the Flatliners remake - it’s not a great? movie?? but teehee handsome <3 He was actually almost an ER trauma surgeon before I saw that photo of Diego holding the film camera and went “OH HELLO”

The filmography and writings of Guillermo del Toro in general, but particularly El Espinazo del Diablo (The Devil’s Backbone). Fun fact - this is the movie where I actually got his mom’s family name, from my favorite character in the film.

J.A. Bayona’s El Orfanto (The Orphanage). This movie is one of my favorites, but it’ll absolutely break your heart, I’m warning you.

I didn’t really have this movie in mind when I first wrote for Hector originally, but now I can’t watch Savageland without thinking of him. It’s a found footage movie that acts as an examination of the aftermath of a zombie attack on a town on the Arizona/Mexico border, and the only person who really knows what happened is a Mexican man who took photos of the attack as it was happening, and is currently being held as a scapegoat. It’s one of my favorite sleeper movies, but there’s a couple characters who are based off A/lex J/ones and J/oe A/raipo who can really make it hard to watch.

Various animated works by Jorge Gutiérrez, and not just because he tends to cast Diego in some of them lmao <3

Inverting this question, I actually wasn’t thinking of Coco at all when I was writing Hector, and it was only after I’d published his intro post that I remembered the name of one of the characters and I was like “...Oh whoops :’D”

Various works by Silvia Moreno-Garcia, whom I adore

A Head Full of Ghosts, by Paul Tremblay

I’m actually right now re-reading Hex’s favorite book (Roland Barthes’s Camera Lucida) and reading Beyond the Dark Veil: Post-Mortem and Mourning Photography by The Thanatos Archive to get ready for his upcoming arc!

Rora:

The Penny Dreadful series - parts of it are a mess, and the ending is really disappointing, but Eva Green’s tenure as Vanessa Ives absolutely enchanted me and terrified me and took my breath away. I knew if anyone was going to be Maxi’s sister in all her cold poised fury, it had to be her. If you watch anything, at least watch the second episode for the seance scene, where Eva Green scared me under the covers the first time I saw it with just her face and her voice.

Anything by Shirley Jackson, but especially We Have Always Lived in the Castle - Merrikat was a huge inspiration for Rora as I originally imagined her, when she was going to be stuck being eighteen forever (before I decided that would be kind of a drag).

The titular story, “The Lady of the House of Love,” and “The Company of Wolves” from Angela Carter’s The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories - so much of Rora’s relationship to gender and her sexuality is shaped by theses stories, and I wanted to write a character just as sharp as one of Carter’s

Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado

Carson McCuller’s The Ballad of the Sad Cafe, specifically for the heroine’s complicated feelings relating to her own gender/femininity

Parts of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein <3

Marya Morevna in Cat Valente’s Deathless as much as the author drives me insane now

the novel of The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (for her relationship to her mother Mathilde)

and finally, Alice Hoffman’s Practical Magic

okay! so this turned into a whole long giant thing/commentary and I’m so sorry for that lmao. :’D If you’ve read this far, nonny, you’re a saint and I love you. Thanks for being kind enough to ask (even though you might be sorry now!)

#nice people #nonny #ask memes

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spikeface · 3 years

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imma be greedy and ask for three: scott + ☂ and ✦ and then teen wolf + ☯

Thank you for the prompts! I think I’ll make a different post for the others because this one got a tad too long.

One of my angstier headcanon rabbit holes is Scott and Lydia’s friendship, because I think inevitably, part of what brings them closer together as friends is Allison’s death.

I like to imagine Lydia painting Scott’s nails.

It starts because three months after Allison’s death, Scott is hit by the sudden, inexplicable scent of her in the hallway at school. It’s so disorienting that it takes him a minute to realize it’s Lydia—the scent of her nail polish that day. Scott has never even realized they have different smells, before.

Smells are very tied to memory.

Lydia feels awful. This was the color Allison would always pick when they hung out at Lydia’s place and painted each other’s nails. She’d wanted to remember her with it that day, one of the few ways she feels ready to, but she feels terrible for having affected Scott so much with it. Scott feels terrible for Lydia’s unnecessary guilt, and for accidentally infringing on what feels like her private grief, and the two of them apologize to each other until they realize what they’re doing, and give it up and simply miss Allison together, the way they often feel forced to—in tiny moments, in between one thing and the next. There are people trying to kill them. They have to get to class. Life, cruelly, goes on.

A week later, Lydia asks if Scott would let her paint his nails.

He doesn’t pick the same color; he has enough open wounds already. He worries even sitting and letting Lydia do this will be too much, the empty space where Allison should be too big, too heavy.

But it’s okay, actually. This had never been something they did together, an aspect of Allison’s friendship with Lydia that Scott hadn’t shared. It’s strange, to sit where she sat, wonder about this whole part of her life that he never knew, but it feels good, too. Letting Lydia paint his nails feels like preserving Allison’s legacy.

And it’s weird. He never really thought about his fingernails until he became a werewolf, and since then, it’s just been constant worry about them turning into claws. Now he’s thinking about their shape—hopelessly “boy,” according to Lydia—and how he can actually feel the polish on top of them, when he assumed he wouldn’t be able to. The brush tickles. Lydia spends a lot of time making sure the coats are even and the edges are neat. Scott has never had his hands fussed over before.

Lydia holds them the entire time.

They keep doing it. At first, it’s just a ritual of grief, and a fragile one. Attaching Allison’s memory to the nail polish on his hands means he agonizes when he inevitably chips it, and then spirals the first time he grows claws and ruins everything.

It helps, though, when Lydia reassures him that she’s happy to do it again. That’s the point—it doesn’t last forever, but you can do it again.

Over time, it grows. Lydia suggests different colors to suit his skin tone and wardrobe, all inflected by an encyclopedic knowledge of which colors go and do not go. Scott didn’t start with the nail polish to make an ensemble, but he can’t deny that it’s nice, sometimes, to just think about how he looks in cerulean instead of whether he’s healed enough from the latest attack to be ready for the next one. It’s fun to talk to Lydia about glitter polish and polka dots instead of what they usually talk about: who might die, who died, who might try to kill them. He experiments with different colors, finds ones he likes, realizes that they do sort of make a difference in how his skin looks around them. Cautiously, he asks Lydia whether she’d want to come with, the next time he has to shop for clothes.

Lydia actually claps her hands in glee.

They go to Macy’s.

#lydia martin #scott mccall #teen wolf #teen wolf headcanon

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thatawkwardbookthing · 3 years

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Ariel’s Outfits in Icon For Hire (Part Two)

Off With Her Head:

Okay so like this whole video deserves a breakdown cuz there’s a lot going on but that would be a whole other post, I just want to focus on the outfits right now

outfit one

So this one just looks amazing, like it’s completely fabulous. Now, I’m fairly certain that this is the Queen of Hearts here, but here when she’s at her worst, when no one sees her. In this song it feels like the Queen of Hearts puts on this entourage of being cold and vicious, but secretly she feels trapped by the darkness. And I feel the outfit helps with that. Like shes wearing a boned corset, which tend to be more restricting than the lace up ones she makes herself, her jacket straps across her chest, her hair and mask cover her face, not to mention everything in this setting is dark. Even her body language suggests feeling trapped and hopeless. The first time we see this outfit is in the intro. She’s struggling and being restrained/pulled by the weird beaked bug guard things. We see a brief clip of it during the chorus when she says “save your own” but the next full scene isn’t until “My enemies belittle me, reminding me the penalty for all my deeds, despite my pleas, is death”. I think this further shows how the Queen of Hearts knows that she’s in the wrong, she knows people are out to get her, but she can’t do anything about it. Her fate is inevitable.

Outfit two

So we see flashes of outfit two throughout the whole video so I’m not sure how much the placement affects the meaning, but the outfit is really neat. Of course, the ruff helps add to the Alice in Wonderland vibe but she also has a wire halo. I’ve always felt this song dealt a bit more with her experience with religion (I might be wrong) but the lyrics speak of an impending doom for the characters, and the lyrics “you’re way to life has only shown me what a fool I am, it serves the purpose of confirming I remain condemned” help further that. Like a lot of evangelical Christians (speaking from experience, this is not representative of everyone) will force their way of life on you. The common belief in most forms of Christianity is that you’re automatically doomed to hell unless you do something to change that (in Protestantism you have to confess and declare your faith that Jesus is the son of God, in Catholicism it’s that plus a whole bunch of other stuff and generally being a good person. I don’t really have the experience to speak about the other forms of Christianity). Maybe the Queen of Hearts feels like she has to be condemned, she doesn’t want to be, but she has to be. She hasn’t lived a life worthy of heaven. The halo makes me think that this is some angel, or like maybe a representation of purity. Or she could also be the God-like figure in all this. We always see this outfit after following the lines that deal more with guilt and condemnation (”save your own”, “death is mine,” I don’t wanna be this”). Also, every time we see this outfit, she always appears calm, occasionally smug and righteous. Chaos is surrounding her every time she’s in this outfit, yet she always seems so still in the middle of it all.

Outfit three

So there’s no mistaking that Ariel is supposed to be Alice here. The outfit itself is very childish. Stockings, a frilly dress, lots of lace. The makeup even looks like lace (I couldn’t get a good picture with the whole outfit and makeup because of the camera angles. I think that was totally done on purpose though to add to the cramped feeling). The hair is kinda childish too. It’s not exactly space buns but like the two buns on either side definitely give it a very childlike vibe. Also, this whole outfit is white so I’m imagining that this is to represent purity and innocence, especially since the whole song seems to deal with some sort of guilt and related punishment. So this is seen mostly during the first verse when she’s talking about feeling trapped and crushed. She feels alone. The walls she built to protect herself are growing more and more cramped. Obviously the setting helps with this but I’m trying to only focus on the outfits. Again, she’s wearing a boned corset. She also has buckles around her legs as well as a choker. Even though she’s still mostly innocent, she still feels trapped. She feels like she’s maybe running out of time or that she knows she’ll do something she’ll regret soon. Personally, I feel like Alice and the Queen of Hearts are the same people in this story, just at different stages in their life.

Outfit four

Yeah, so this is definitely the Queen of Hearts. Her posture, hair, and outfit help with all of this. The hair reminds me of a lot of Georgian era hairstyles for noblewomen and royalty. It’s a large up-do, with a few different headpieces. The jewelry and the garment beneath the corset looks a lot like a rib cage so I think that’s just a nod to the fact that she’s the Queen of Hearts. However, rib-looking garment is wrapped very closely around her neck, she still has buckles strapped around her arms, and while this corset doesn’t appear boned, it’s still a corset. The Queen of Hearts doesn’t feel as trapped as she does in outfit one. She still has some of her control, but she’s starting to lose it. We see this outfit during lines like “death is mine I know” as well as the “my enemies belittle me...” line. The Queen of Hearts realizes that someone may be out to get her, but she’s not entirely trapped yet.

Outfit 5

So I don’t have a lot to say about this one. First, I like that the bracelet is a little nod to that whole scene in Alice in Wonderland with trying to find the right key to unlock the door. Mainly though, I think this is just a transition. As I said I think Alice is the Queen of Hearts in this, so this outfit would be early on in her rule, she’s still fairly innocent, hence the lighter colors, but she’s starting to feel weighted and trapped. This outfit is mostly in the chorus so as far as the story goes, this would be the part where she’s starting to realize she may be going down a dangerous path, but she doesn’t quite know how to stop.

Outfit six

So this outfit is kinda restrictive (corset belt and whatever is going on with her legs, not to mention the bracelets and shoulders of the dress, they kinda look like shackles). She’s still mostly Alice here, she hasn’t quite gone down the rabbit hole of bad deeds yet. I feel that right now, she’s a bit too caught up in everything that’s going on. We see this, outfit five, and outfit four a lot together. She realizes she’s going down this bad path, but again, she doesn’t know how to stop herself. This outfit mostly reminds me of the dandelions from Alice in Wonderland.

Outfit seven

So Ariel has replaced Alice here. The fact that she’s in her normal clothes does more to show how she’s relating to the story of falling down the rabbit hole. Maybe she feels like that as she spiraled deeper into her mental illness, she did more and more things she regrets? This puts the focus more on Ariel’s personal feelings and not just there characters. Alice isn’t the only one who feels trapped.

Outfit eight

So Ariel is one of the weird bug-bird things. So these things? have been shown creeping toward the house where Alice and Ariel are trapped, as well as surrounding and restraining the Queen of Hearts. I feel like this may represent that Ariel views herself as her own enemy. This could mean maybe self-sabotaging or creating fears/enemies where there aren’t any. Or maybe she feels scared of herself. She can’t trust herself (Curse or Cure anyone?). She’s scared of what she’s doing and scared of the path she’s going down. It’s almost as if she’s punishing herself with self destruction.

Part Three will probably come tomorrow

#icon for hire #icon for hire band #icon army #ariel bloomer #shawn jump #scripted #alice in wonderland #kit can talk i guess

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marvellouslymadmim · 3 years

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Hi!! I was wondering what your headcanons were about Calanthe after she loses Pavetta? Also do you have any plans to write a fic featuring Calanthe x Eist after Pavetta dies (whether it be in A Night With the Queen or otherwise)? I love your writing so much (I’ve reread every fic you have for them about 5 times each) and I’m curious about your take on Calanthe’s grief. I do love to feel pain 😭

oof. I have a few. And yes, we’re gonna see some of it in A Night with the Queen. But due to that story’s format, we won’t be able to go as in-depth as my actual headcanons are, so here we go:

I feel like Calanthe is someone who does two things when she is hit with a loss: instantly lash out at everyone around her (banquet scene, anyone?), and then immediately internalize it and blame herself for everything she didn’t do to prevent the situation. She’s used to getting her way (I mean, it’s canon that she was a spoiled child, and we definitely still see that she’s politically powerful enough to very rarely hear “no” by the time she’s ard rhena), and I think sometimes she truly has bought into her own mythos as the Lioness of Hochebuz--she was a child who triumphed over an army, and I think part of her believes in her own invincibility and therefore her own ability to truly make anything and everything go her way, regardless of the odds. So when things don’t go her way, it isn’t because they never could--but rather because she didn’t try hard enough.

So when Pavetta is lost at sea, Calanthe does both of those things. In Blood of Elves, we see in a flashback from Ciri’s POV that Calanthe definitely lashed out at Crach (and most likely Eist, once he returned from searching) for ever allowing Pavetta to leave the isles with Duny. The book also talks of Eist’s “stony, pale face. And the queen’s silence.” So...definitely things were happening there. I think that after Calanthe blamed Crach and Eist for allowing Pavetta to go out to sea, she began blaming herself for not preventing it--for allowing Pavetta to travel to Skellige, for not searching long enough and hard enough for her afterwards, for not eventually bringing Pavetta’s body back home to rest.

In A Night with the Queen, we’re gonna see Calanthe becoming obsessed with the idea that until they find a body, there’s still a chance that Pavetta is alive. Because her daughter is powerful beyond anything anyone has ever seen--she can create her own tempest, so what could a tempest do to her, truly? She constantly pushes Eist to keep looking, to keep sending out search parties farther and farther away from the wreckage site, still convinced that Pavetta washed ashore, completely unharmed, and is merely waiting to be found and brought home.

I think it takes a while for Calanthe to truly admit that her daughter is gone forever. And I think when she does, it creates a new grief spiral as she accepts it. That is the moment that she truly turns inward and shuts out the rest of the world.

As someone who, unfortunately, is very deeply acquainted with grief and loss, I can tell you that grieving is an extremely private process and even if you share a loss with someone, the journey of your grief is entirely solo. You heal at different rates, in different ways. You heal...apart, in a way. And then you have to figure out how to grow back inwards, together again. I think Eist and Calanthe grew apart in their grief and then did have to make a conscious decision to turn back into each other, to find and give comfort as a team.

I think in the beginning, Calanthe is very unaware of how it affects Eist. She’s too wrapped up in her own grief and definitely relies on his support even as she pushes him away and continues lashing out. Ciri is definitely the main reason that she doesn’t freeze him out entirely during this time--just as she fixates on bringing Pavetta back, she obsesses over Ciri’s wellbeing to deflect from dealing with her own issues.

And I think she uses Cirilla as a shield, too. Constantly puts their granddaughter between her and Eist to avoid dealing with the growing gulf between them. Ciri has always spent a lot of time with her grandparents, but after Pavetta’s death, Calanthe keeps Ciri at her side at all times. For months, Ciri sleeps with them, and stays within Calanthe’s line of sight during her every waking moment. Eist misses having time to simply be with his wife and his best friend, but of course, how can he say anything when it’s for the wellbeing of their granddaughter, who just tragically lost her mother? And how can he say anything when Ciri obviously brings Calanthe comfort in turn?

Once Calanthe does realize that Eist has also experienced loss, and that he’s spent his time trying to take care of her, rather than deal with his own grief, a shift occurs. She acknowledges the burden she’s put on him and becomes apologetic--and from there, they gingerly and slowly start to move forward, together. Ultimately, I think it’s what strengthens their relationship past everything they were before. Because Calanthe recognizes that she has pushed him in ways that would cause most people to abandon her, and yet he stayed. I think that given her first marriage, she always kind of assumed that there was a chance things might fall apart between her and Eist--but when the worst possible thing imaginable happens and they survive it, she abandons all thought of them ever truly being separated, emotionally or physically. (and honestly, it makes her little Tommen toodley-boop out the window more understandable, too--because she doesn’t want to be in a world without him, because he’s been one of the only people who has ever seen her and made the world bearable....she’s done what she could to correct her folly with Geralt and has sent Ciri into safety, and now all she wants is to be with Eist again) After that, she truly becomes the all-in, completely devoted and adoring lover that we see in her final scenes with Eist. They understand and see each other on a level that no one else ever has or will, at that point, and they’re both highly aware of it--and eventually, they find a way to see it as something to relish and celebrate.

As the years wear on and the grief become less startlingly painful, I think Calanthe is able to find comfort in seeing Cirilla become so much like her mother. We see there’s a stark difference in how Calanthe reigns/presents herself as queen between the time of the betrothal feast and the sacking of Cintra. I think some of it is due to the fact that Calanthe genuinely tries to be more of the influence that Pavetta would have been on her daughter. And she tries to honor Pavetta’s legacy by teaching Ciri in a kinder, softer way than she taught Pavetta. She tries to raise Cirilla not according to her own ideals (most of the time, at least)--but rather what she thinks Pavetta would have wanted.

Ok, I feel like I’ve rambled enough for one post...thank you so much for dragging me down the headcanon rabbit hole (and for re-reading my fics, the thought brings such joy!) and hopefully we’ll actually get to see some of this come up in future fics.

#thanks anon!#headcanons #pavetta #calanthe of cintra

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portal-of-roses · 3 years

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From Monotheistic to Polytheistic: our story

[CW] Christianity

We came from a Christian background. Specifically Baptist [fathers side] and Holiness [mothers side]. Neither of my parents were religious in the way we are attempting to be. They never prayed unless it was a holiday and we were with other people, never went to church our entire life. For us this was fine. Churches made us uncomfortable and prayer never really clicked with us, especially the formality that was taught to us which was necessary. However, to them, everything I do now is worth being hit over the head with a bible and being dragged to a strangers church. It doesn't make sense, does it? To find a belief at all is a feat most parents would cry over, thank the gods our child found a belief that makes them happy and helps them heal... but not to our parents. It isnt a stretch to say that it hurts but.. thats just part of it. Witchcraft was always something that called to me. The idea of magic was so drawing, so interesting. And it didn't surprise our mom at all because she could see it coming from far away. We ran with it, we did research but everything we were reading mentioned the Goddess and the God. Eventually my research into witchcraft led us to wicca [which is not witchcraft mind you, they are not interchangeable even though most books use them that way] for about a year we read into it, but something didnt seem right... it wasnt clicking, and I was reminded of my love for the Greek pantheon. I was looking into different gods and goddesses for a while, reading basic things about them, the creation myths and all that jazz. However a specific goddess stood out to us, we found ourselves going back to her. Hestia. From there we spiraled down a happy little rabbit hole that led us to where we are now. A devotee to our Lady Hestia, worshiper of Hephaestus. But we still struggle with our faith. Not because were struggling to believe, no, its were struggling to allow ourselves to worship more than one deity at a time in the primarily monotheistic environment we live in. We used to have many deities we worshipped and worked with, however, I think just two will do for now as we get back into the swing of things from a rather roller-coaster way of finding faith. Sorry if this rambled, and i know no one asked for it but I just wanted to post something a little more.. personal on this account for once.

#ramblings #faithblogger #helpol #theoi #hellenic devotees #hellenic polythiest #hellenic pagan #hellenism #hellenic polytheism #hestia devotion #hestia devotee #hearth #hestia #hestia worship

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funeraloracle · 4 years

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i just needed to make this post tonight feel free to reblog if you feel the same but

oh my god as a hellenic pagan and as a student of ancient societies i fucking love the ancient greeks and their pantheon so much. i love reading about how they worshipped their gods, the stories they built around that worship, the little cities where they built their shrines to certain gods because “Oh She stopped here to rest” or “Oh this is where She gave us an olive tree” and its like YEAH BABEY those places are special for the rest of eternity

say what you will about the romans but im so glad that they remade old greek archiecture and statues because otherwise the originals would be lost forever. i love roman artwork of the gods just as much as greek artwork. i love reading roman versions of the same mythology because its in a different historical context and that makes it a Different Story.

back to greeks but have i mentioned i love their pantheon? have i mentioned i love our gods?

i love zeus so much i admire him from afar but he’s so full and big and beautiful and broad and powerful and i can feel it when a storm is about to hit and it just swells in your chest like pride like love!!! it tingles in the air, all high voltage and im piss scared of storms but goddamn if i cant respect them. there’s love in every lightningbolt. theres a proclamation of trust and a promise of justice in an unfair world in every thunderclap. if the olympians could turn to zeus in chaos for order, i can too, because he’s trustworthy and knows what to do.

i love athena so much!!! shes so powerful and strong and upright and wisened and gracious. she provided us with sooo much and she keeps blessing us. shes the one listening to the tense silence as you puzzle out a hard problem. shes the swell of accomplishment and the burst of excitement when you finally get it. shes the hand on the small of your back as you go to assert yourself, the nervousness that lifts right before a public speech. shes the curiousness that strikes you to go google something, to fall down a youtube or wikipedia rabbit hole and learn something. shes gorgeous in every expansive intellectual way. shes pure accomplishment and power.

i love ares too like wow wow what a guy. the very fire that rolls off of his presence, the power in his words. hes an entire room beating their chest and giving a battle cry. hes the breath right before the wrestler throws a punch and the crack of bone against knuckles. hes also the goosebumps on the back of your neck, the pounding of your heart and the shaking of your hands when you finally tell someone what you think and it aint pretty. hes the hoarse of your voice from screaming when you need it most. hes there, stewing in your anger and loneliness when you have nowhere to scream. hes the hand on your shoulder as you pound your fists into the sides of your head and cry. hes the catharsis, too. hes so big and so tough but so gentle, too. he knows better than anyone what anger feels like, how it hurts when you hold it too close, how it burns. he knows you don’t need any more of his, but he can hold yours for you if you can’t express it, or he can lead you ahead into battle when you need to.

and gosh i love hecate... ive been thinking about her so much recently. shes so illusive and deep and her reach spreads so far. the fact that she made the queen of poisons, aconitum, wolfs bane, is haunting. the words to describe her evade me and thats so fitting for her because she is anything but describable. all mystery and nil and void. shes the nightmare slipping away as soon as you wake, the pounding of your chest and the dark press of the room that was once comforting and is now terrifying, and soon becomes comforting again. shes the new moon, all black night, full of potential and yet showing nothing at all. shes the poison and the pipe that you smoke it in, the pull of the hit and the exhale, and the painful death that follows after. shes the spiral, shes terrifying and exhilerating and amazing.

i love all of them but im running out of steam phew........

feel free to add and talk about hellenic gods if you want!

#penned by me #hellenismos #hellenic polytheism #hellenic pantheon #greek polytheism #greek pantheon #hecate #ares #zeus #athena

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intruality-overlord · 4 years

Text

Why Are We (Best) Friends?

Warnings: excessive swearing, alcoholism, mentions of drugs, drug use, suggestive humor, implied sexual content (no smut), some gore descriptions. Generally, Remus stuff.

Taglist: @blogging-time @veraisnotfine @littlestr @jessibbb @broken-pens @hi-its-tutty @idkanameatall @moxiety--sanders101 @theyluna-womoon

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist! Last update Wednesday/Thursday. Second to last chapter! Damn nearly over already.

Chapter Seven: Fuck Me

The Present.

Patton flug Remus’s door open so fast there was briefly a void where it bluntly cut through and the air was too slow to refill the space.

And he caught the doorknob quickly before it knocked a hole in the wall because he wasn’t actually going to trash his friend’s place. That would be a dick move.

Patton made a beeline for Remus’s bed. Pulling out the mini fridge tucked underneath, not yet pausing to properly acknowledge Remus.

“Patton?”

“Remus.”

“What happened?”

“What do you think.”

Patton tipped his head back and—

Remus snatched it from Patton’s hands and promptly poured the unholy liquid on his carpet. What? Do you really think he cares more about a stain on his stupid carpet than his best friends mental breakdown? Shame. Shame on you.

Patton mournfully watched it sink into the carpet. There was a look in his eyes Remus knew meant he was mentally debating. “If you lick that off the floor I will disown you,” he snapped him out of it.

…

Coming to settle beside Patton, he rested a hand on his shoulder. “Tell me what happened, Puppy,” Remus carefully told him. He applied a warm, gentle pressure with his palm to Patton’s shoulder, who subconsciously leaned into the touch, knowing it helped ground him. The poor touch starved soul. Patton was ravanis for touch.

“Don’t call me Puppy. I’m not in the mood,” Patton quipped.

“Stop avoiding the question.”

“I got rid of my fake friends, happy?”

“You— you w-what?” Remus stammered, his grip briefly wavering, yet Patton collapsed further into him. Remus quickly braced him with his other hand as well. The faintest of smiles grace Patton as his eyes fluttered closed for a second. “So what? I’ve got you.”

“But why even are we friends, Patton?” Remus said, desperately confused. “They’re not wrong, you’ve said so yourself. I’m a bad influence on you.”

“You say that as if I’m any better of an influence on you,” Patton chided, slurring slightly, but he suddenly felt incredibly, painfully sober. The hopeless hurt in Remus’s voice felt like an ice cube sliding down his back.

“Seriously, Patton!”

Patton bit his tongue to repress a comment about Remus being a very un-serious person, or a, “Logan, is that you?” Instead he tried deflecting with a half/mostly-truth.

“It doesn’t matter. It never has, we just are what we are and I’m happy with us, aren’t you?” He said earnestly.

“It does matter if you’re going to give up your life as a light side for me— ditching all your friends— for me! Me, of all people,” Remus said, feeling like he was talking to a brick wall. “W-wha— what—” his hysterics muddled his words, “What kind of nutter does that?!”

“A nutter who has thought it’s tea time for the past couple years I suppose…” Patton dropped his eyes to his knotted fingers, a dead chuckle on his lips. Patton tripped into thinking of what he’s really just done.

(Patton didn’t have nearly as strict of a moral code as he used to. It’s only natural: Morals are completely subjective and change all the time. Currently, his moral code had been stripped down to two rules. Very lenient rules at that. One, as long as you’re not hurting others, it’s okay. This rule used to include “or yourself” but that part of the rule had been overwritten by his second rule. Don’t be a hypocrite.

Rule number two, don’t be a hypocrite, was the most important rule and it took prominence over every decision he made. It’s the rule that ultimately dissolved every other rule he’d ever made for himself and Thomas. As he kept breaking his own rules, he’d have to cross them off the list.

An identity crisis would be a polite way to describe Patton’s mental state. The subjectivity of morality, combined with his ultimately inconsequential feelings, shattered his entire selfhood. (See, his vobaculary consisted of some fucking brobdingnagian words.) But he didn’t mope about it. If his feelings didn’t matter to anyone else, why should they matter to him either?

Patton would also say that “treat others how you would like to be treated” was a rule he lived by too, but what he really means is “treat others how they treat you” which is, fundamentally, very different. It was also the rule he ended up justifying his words with (not that they needed justification. That’s not something truth requires). Patton had hurt them. He knew he did, and he knew it was wrong. Yet, he couldn’t seem to summon the energy to bother with apologies. They had treated him like shit. They talked down to and stepped all over his emotions and opinions. He had every right to do the exact same as far as he was concerned.

He was supposed to be morality, after all. He decided what was good and bad or inbetween. If the others disagreed, too bad, he was right by default.)

This is all a long way of saying fuck you. Fuck them. I’m fucking done.

(Fuck was Patton’s favourite word, if you couldn’t tell. It just felt so, well, fucking good to say. Fucking liberating. Fuck was a word he could always rely on for proper fucking emphasis, and to fill fucking awkward silences. Patton would never be speechless again, even when he’s too drunk to conceptualise language, now that he has Fuck to fill that void. Totally didn’t have anything to do with the fact Fuck rhymes with duck, something so innocent. So far away from each other while simultaneously being separated by only one letter. Patton could relate to that on a spiritual level.)

Meanwhile, as Patton slipped into spiraling thoughts that would inevitably lead him to, “Would it be better to have a flashy but painful death, say, via explosion, or a boring but less painful death like gorging himself on sleeping pills?” And so on, Remus watched on with due drop round, doe eyes. Tears wedged his eyelids wide open, sclera reddening with the strain. He knew the look on his companions face and it was never good. Under the influence of too many drinks and Remus’s room wasn’t a good combination.

Maybe if the others hadn’t hindered Patton maturing naturally, Patton might not have completely rejected his inherent childness. (Who knows, that’s just Remus’s opinion.) Doesn’t matter now. It wasn’t exactly something you could grow back like fingernails to hang on your chalkboard.

Remus presented him with a glass of water.

Patton, regardless of his mental state, looked unimpressed.

“Did you just summon that?” He said, eyeing it suspiciously.

“Just drink it,” Remus said, exasperated.

“Everything you summon tastes awful! And it’s water that’s all I’ll be able to taste,” Patton cringed, leaning back with folded arms.

Remus scoffed. “As if anything you summon is any better.”

“Excuse me, but I’d rather bitter honey over pickle juice so salty it makes your tongue feel dry,” he argued.

Glass insistently was pressed against his lips. Remus’s eyelids dropped into a deadpan stare, which Patton tried to glare into submission. Remus didn’t relent. Slowly, Patton’s resolve weakened and slipped from him in a sigh that parted his lips. Glass was simultaneously shoved past his teeth. Patiently, Remus tipped the glass, assisting the pickle-water to flow, until Patton’s timid hands had a good hold. Their touch lingered before Remus relented.

Despite the taste, the drink (let’s face it, it’s hardly water) settled the crashing waves inside his bones, sobering him somewhat.

…

“Just because they’ve known me longer doesn’t mean they know me better,” Patton eventually said.

“You're not the one sheltering me supposedly for my own good. You’re not the one making decisions for me, talking down to me, making me feel dumb. You’re not the one making me pick sides, putting pressure on me. You’re the one who lets me be myself. You're the one who I can spill my guts out to. I don’t have to worry about judgment, with you. You’re my real friend.

And if they won’t let me be around you, then so be it. They’re not my friends anymore.”

“I’m— I-I’m not worth it, Patton.”

“Yes! You are! Remus, you’re worth everything!”

A rabbit heart hopped in the silence.

“…I love you…” Patton whispered. His eyes widened. He was realising for the first time. “Love love.”

“You… you what?” Remus was in shock.

“I wouldn’t spend every speck of my free time with someone I didn’t love. I wouldn’t do favours for someone I didn’t love. It took me a while but I— shit— god-fucking-damnit I fucking love you,” Patton whimpered. The realisation smacked him over the head like a mace. Him and his foolish heart knew perfectly well that Remus wasn’t interested in dating whatsoever. Why must he fall for the one person who can’t return his feelings?

“I’m so fucking sorry,” dispair warped Patton’s words, squeaking past his narrowing throat, into a beg. A beg for it to not be true? A beg for forgiveness? A beg to please not hate him?

“It doesn’t have to have a label. We’ll… figure it out as we go.”

Huh?

Nervously, Remus reached out a hand to Patton’s cheek. His touch was feather light.

Lightly pressing their skin flush so his emanating warmth seeped into him, Patton held Remus’s hand to his cheek. He briefly imagined his hands slipping up into his hair and locking them in a secure grip so Remus could have his way with him in a way that made sense. Not in this gentle, and caring, and unimaginable way. Either way, Patton was more than willing— eager— to give himself. Whichever way he wanted, Patton would pour his love into him.

Patton and Remus had always shown each other their love (platonic or otherwise) in a language they could understand, and Remus wasn’t going to stop now.

“Maybe we don’t love each other in the same way, but we still love each other, right? That’s what matters.”

Then Patton chanced a glance at Remus’s eyes. A glance turned into a mesmerized stare when Remus’s hazel framed, paradoxically glimmering blackhole pupils pulled his gaze in.

Patton had never seen anything like it, but he didn’t need to to know exactly what it meant. It was unmistakable. A glimpse into the innermost depth of his being where only the most precious tenderness could reside. It didn’t leak into his body language, facial expressions, or even corrupt his words with stutters. It pooled solely in his pupils that had been pumped full of the ebbing love. What breed of love it was didn’t matter, Patton would cherish it.

Patton saw past the event horizon.

That’s when he realised he'd never seen anything like it within any of the others. Never was there any substance to their charade. He should have known, the fool he was.

Before Patton could react (which in reality was quite slow, but Patton’s mind was working at the pace of dragging your feet through mud), Remus scooped him up in his arms.

“I can still walk.”

“I know.”

Patton felt like he was pushing his luck, but he still had to ask, “Stay?”

“Of course.”

Next Chapter:

#WAW(B)F?#sander sides #thomas sanders #ts sander sides #sanders sides #ts sanders sides #patton sanders #ts patton #remus sanders #ts remus #intruality #moduke #thomas sanders sides

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aquagenesis · 3 years

Text

This is by no means a vent post or anything I just need to discuss topics and ideas.

It’s so bizarre how, for most of my life, I did have psychotic tendencies and explicitly schizophrenic symptoms. I would get disoriented on a school bus and want to make a big show of it; storm up to the bus driver in a fit of rage and demand to know where I was being taken. I would ask incoherent, nonsense questions in class that would get me a resounding look of “what the fuck are you talking about”. Friends in particular would always take the time to step in and allow me to re-phrase what I was asking because they would learn to understand sometimes information is jumbled in my head, which I am not aware of.

It happens on here too, though I’ve gotten better at it. What begins as a cohesive argument in my mind eventually spirals into a whirlpool of me repeating the same three things, the same three points, the same three everything while pretending it’s something different. Because I have voices in my head that take over and make it hard to focus. I thought everyone heard voices, because how else do you process information? But for other people, it’s not voices. Not ones they can hear, at least.

The only thing that ever stopped me was, incredibly, what I think my paranoia was. I was too afraid of making a scene because I thought, assuredly, they’d always tell me they were going to kill me. I would stand up to assert myself only to get pulled back down in my own head with “if you cause problems, you will die”. I thought that was survival instinct. I prided myself, in fact, on my survival instincts because of things like that. Because I believed every person who utilized and prided their autonomy was doomed to die for their arrogance. How can you exist so unabashedly in life when you know death is something you cannot hide from and cannot know the origin of? Standing up for yourself is putting yourself in harms way; the lines between “what is paranoia” and “what is formative child abuse” are too blurred for me to even care “which one it is” because they’re both the same.

It’s just knowing I was so schizophrenic. Knowing I was so blatantly delusional; I’d get called delusional all the time because I wasn’t living in reality. My original self was already forced to be so separated from its body because of infant-aged trauma when I felt “normal” it already wasn’t me. Every time I’d stabilize myself in a deeper level of my own psychosis I’d get punched down through another one, like a personal version of Dante’s Inferno.

Of course I developed a dissociative disorder. How else was my psyche supposed to survive losing family members who cared about me, how else was it supposed to survive losing everything. The personality I shifted into to appease my conditions were never good enough; they never protected me enough. It’s so fucked up my brain already had to put me in another reality to cope with not receiving basic physiological needs as an infant and then had to shatter and reform reality after reality because anything was better than living in real life but nothing protected me enough, nothing justified anything enough, nothing could make me feel like I was living how I was meant to.

And then I wonder why I got so deep in it. I wonder why that’s all I knew. It was. Living in delusion was the only thing that kept me from being suicidal, because it made me believe something grand was meant for me at the end of it all. I only broke down because, after everything, after five years of eviction and homelessness, there was still only despair ahead. Now I’m 26. an entire high school education away from 30 but abysmally depressed I had to spend all this time helping myself, and continue to, in the vain hope one thing would ever happen to me to make life worth it.

All I needed was to be pushed into reality, to be shown and taught nothing happened to me in some grand plan. All I needed was a therapist who would listen for long enough in my Anime Tragic Backstory to tell me, “Hey man, that was fucked up, but it’s not like you have to forgive them. You don’t have to be tortured by anything. You can leave other people; you can leave them too.” But therapists are no longer trained to listen to trauma and try to work out anything formative that could have happened to someone. I didn’t know I was schizophrenic. Nobody cared enough to tell me I was unless it was through the “well...you have The Disorder. we have to keep you to make sure your SCARY PSYCHOTIC EPISODE--you’ve seen American Psycho, right?--doesn’t make you do that to yourself or someone else.” lens of “take this medicine and it’ll fix something you don’t think is a problem, because psychosis deludes the brain into thinking it isn’t delusional”.

And there was nothing anyone could have done; my untreated schizophrenia prevented me from being able to work. My delusions would go unchecked, people wouldn’t know I was stretching the truth and neither did I. Through the lens of insanity I doomed coworkers to bitter rivals, others to beloved friends, and still others to unworthy of my respect with nothing in between. My life was a grand path to luxury and respect from the bottom of the earth; who wouldn’t be adored to know me?

I would tell people time and time again I was schizophrenic, I was psychotic, I experienced delusions. I was cast as “the good outcome” of a psychotic condition and my experiences, the only true part of my life, were chalked up to “well there Luke goes with his silly little rants again”. I was abandoned to spiral because I was “okay”; I didn’t experience delusions where I thought I was God (anything remotely attached to that was different, I said it was different), my psychosis never drew me to suicide. Everyone else who claimed they were schizophrenic were automatically compared to me and regarded as “good” or “bad” with no regard to what was swimming around in my brain. If I didn’t have a god complex before (I did, but I said I didn’t, so there’s no blame here), I certainly developed one then.

But I knew I wasn’t someone to be compared to, because I did experience delusions where I thought not that I was God but some higher being, I was drawn to suicide at the drop of a hat. But then I couldn’t admit to those things being so much deeper than they were, because everyone else who experienced these things were “bad” schizophrenics. I was supposed to have this together; I knew I had no right to judge people with my same condition because I knew I was no better than them. If I had a best friend I’d known all my life, I would probably go to them with my ever-wavering mental condition too. That’s what I craved; the ability to tell someone about what was happening to me.

And it’s not like I ever thought I was entitled to people, you know, listening. I never expected anyone to look me in the eyes and tell me “Hey buddy you know you don’t really seem in reality” because if someone said that to me I’d probably freak out and doom them to “Bitter Rival Plus” for the rest of my life. It was the attitude that I was redeemable because of how well I handled everything, the way I never let my symptoms show, the way a one-time freakout seemed more preferable to everyone else but me because “at least he only got that bad once”, as opposed to the risk of smaller breakdowns more often. I lost my ability to realize I had control over myself because the admittedly bad symptoms everyone else experienced, which I did too, never were offered support. I was told a story of a mutual once-friend who threw herself off a roof in the midst of a schizophrenic breakdown. The pitilessness of it all told me I would never find sympathy in admitting my faults.

It’s hard because if it were depression, if it had been depression, this would have been solved eons ago. Anyone can go to a friend and talk through a depression; nobody can go to a friend and talk through a psychotic episode without your companion growing frustrated as you’re unable to grasp reality. Once is fine, twice is annoying, thrice is overwhelming. I can feel it just as anyone. Nobody wants to talk to crazy people.

And what do people think that does, exactly? Do you think your delusional friend can really have a talk once, be told they’re psychotic, and immediately know? How do we have thousands of articles dissecting every aspect of anxiety, from work to generalized, but none to tell the everyman that “psychotic people suffer from a condition that prevents them from differentiating reality from fantasy”. or, we do tell people, but it still follows the same rules of once is fine, twice is annoying, thrice is overwhelming. Depression is a mental condition that causes extended states of misery. Anxiety is a mental condition that causes extended states of stress. Psychosis is a mental condition that causes extended states of, well, delusion. Someone who wakes up already delusional is not going to be able to tell you “when it started”; everything has always felt this way. Now that they can see clearly, because they feel energized (because they are delusional), “nothing is wrong” and they are left to spiral into whatever rabbit hole they fall into.

If we know it’s harmful to tell people with depression and anxiety to “get over it”, why are psychotic people different? Why is it so hard to go into a relationship and be told, explicitly, “I have a psychotic condition”, and follow through as you would anyone else?

“Because psychosis is different.” No further context needed.

#hi guess who it is #it's me and i'm complaining about ment of illness loves #not mine just in general #you know. my lifetime topic of psychosis.

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incarnateirony · 5 years

Text

Terms and Conditioning and Meanings

Okay, so it’s something a lot of people heard me bang on about several times over the last few years, but recently I found a thread (x) by yet another lit professor -- this one in another fandom.

I’m sure some people will choose to reactively and malignly pick at parts of what they say without reading the heart of their body of work, in a blazing display of self-blind irony, but well-- I went off on my usual tear I go on ‘round these parts and unsurprisingly they went through and liked every single one while QTing other Typical Fandom Asshats to shoot them down, so let’s roll here.

I’ll start with the TLDR edition but then break down the actual content behind a cut -- because this? This is something this fandom DESPERATELY NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCES OF, and how they DO and DON’T relate.

CODING = CONSCIOUS CHOICE OF CONSTRUCTION BY AUTHOR SUBTEXT = THEMATIC RESONANCE THROUGH MOST OF OR THE ENTIRE WORK THAT EMBOLDENS THE TALE INTERPRETATION = LITERALLY WHATEVER YOU WANT BUT STRONGER IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE OTHER 2 ARE AND WHERE THEY ARE. THANKS KIDS DEATH OF THE AUTHOR = NOT AN EXCUSE FOR EIGHTH-ASSED READINGS CANON = WHAT EXISTS WITHIN A WORK, OR AN AGREED UPON BODY OF ACCEPTED WORKS (episodes, books, etc not part of the ecclesiastical body) NO, it is not a MAGIC WORD for “NOW THEY KISSED” and there are MANY FORMS OF WHAT IS CANON WITHIN AN ACCEPTED BODY OF WORK. QUEERBAIT = VERY FEW OF THESE THINGS AND YET CAN BE ALL OF THESE THINGS AND THIS IS THE MOST BUSTED WORD Y’ALL HAVE FUCKING RUINED.

(Edit: I saw someone reblog this with “really aggressive in an offputting way” before a tag of “but I agree” so I’ma put this out here: Yeah. It fucking is. Because this fandom is fucking exhausting. And I am tired. Of having to fucking repeat things. That are literal common sense. In a fandom that insists on flushing common sense. Of otherwise intelligent people sending themselves into destructive spirals. Of even friends losing friends to people sliding off into bitter pits these problems lead to. So if you’re someone that favors common sense, maybe you actually should feel this frustration in your soul. The lit folks reblogging this with commentary so far seem to.)

To quote the linked OP and give credit where credit is due for resparking this conversation in my mind and realizing I haven’t said this for a long time and new followers may not know, even if this is familiar to like 90% of people who follow me -- but I feel they touched aptly on parts I haven’t even really done more than brush over.

queer-coding is quite sinister in a lot of ways (though can be employed subversively to great effect) but also very interesting! studies have shown that children who like or identify with queer-coded villains are more likely to be lgbt, even if they don't realise what's going on.

during the hays era it was mostly a way to show that a villain was bad (because gay = evil), but it could also be a way for closeted queer creators to sneak lgbt representation into their work, which is why so many queer-coded villains are so damn *likeable*.

what's also interesting is that lgbt creators would sometimes explicitly *straight-code* their villains - gaston from disney's beauty and the beast is a great example of this. highly recommend that you read up on the story of his creation!

all of which is to say: queer-coding has a meaning, it's not the same as queer-*baiting*, and it DEFINITELY isn't the same as "I'm gonna read this character as gay because I wanna imagine him as gay" - the name for that is fanon, and some trek fans

there are lots of academic works on the history of queer-coding if you want to spend an afternoon down a google scholar rabbit hole! just, you know. terms have meanings.

that's the thing. coding literally is intentional. what you're talking about is an alternate or resistant reading, or a world-context-centred critical approach.

you're right that it's got nothing to do with representation, but unlike semiotics, which is text-centred but may or may not rely on reading into intentional authorial choices, queer-coding refers specifically to an authorial choice. it's a defined term.

I didn't just take AP and honours english. I *taught* AP and honours english. for y e a r s.

--by @jaythenerdkid who I just accidentally found the tumblr of by preparing to make a twitter link but I checked and it’s the same person.

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Okay so let’s pick through this a little bit before people start spinning this up in their heads.

TO START: QUEER CODING

I’ve seen people say “This character has villain attributes or dark attributes ergo he is queer coded.” That is absolutely not the way to apply this history, this works in reverse. As handled here, villains were either malignly codified to make queer characters evil and/or were then used as a slip-in of representation. A villain being a villain is not in fact itself an actual queer coding point. A dark history is not itself a queer coding point. Addiction stories are not themselves a queer coding point. In fact, trying to apply itself in this order is like BLAZINGLY homophobic and gross as hell and if you’re doing this, you should stop now. Yes, I’ve seen this.

I fucking promise you Gaston wasn’t consciously “queer coded” in being a villain, being a villain does not give him a Magic Gay Point.

Are we good on that point? Have we figured out the direction these Magic Gay Points fly in and don’t? Cool. If the author consciously added elements that will harmonize with a straight audience as queer to make them seem bad, that’s malignant queer coding; if an author consciously added elements that will harmonize with a queer audience to make them somehow familiar or likable, that is subversive queer coding.

An example of subversive queer coding: In the Legend of Korra, the creators had limitations on what the network would allow them to do. Later, they confirmed their intent was a WLW couple being portrayed at the end, but it hovers in the area of a hand hold that people can unfortunately choose to negotiate away into bestest friends despite all the other story flags for them along the way.

People have/can/will call queerbait about this. In this case, this is not queerbait. This is attempted representation to bypass restrictions and is not malign, but are authors doing their best to give their queer audience something, anything, in the case of it. Yes, it was post-air acknowledgment but it was what they were goddamn trying to give us gays out here. It’s not hiding their gays on the creator’s part -- it’s hiding their gays on the network’s part -- WHICH IS A STEP A LOT OF PEOPLE GET VERY CONFUSED ABOUT.

Hell, just because *one* show or property on a specific channel even allows X Amount Of Gay in it doesn’t even mean they’ll allow their other properties that amount of gay every time, and can and WILL step in and block creators. It happens even on premium networks like HBO or Starz. Because they have their ideas of what the demographic they dump a bunch of marketing money into is okay with, half-educated and half massive fiery balls of projection from whatever old white dude is reviewing the data. So no, never just bank on “well X network made the Gay Bar exactly This Tall To Ride here so all their other shows can be Exactly This Gay.” -- you do that, you’re gonna set yourself up for a FUCKTON of disappointment.

Hell, LGBT aren’t even treated equally to other LGBT. Bi men have like 1/3 the representation of bi women because media is held in a largely male gaze corporately and well, bi women are sexy to straight guys, give them some of that lesbian action. But oh, nono, don’t put the bi dudes near their network, no homo. If you drape a rainbow boa on this lamp post though we’ll let you have a gay guy run around that is there to make other characters uncomfortable as a stereotype, that’s fine. LITERALLY do *NOT* simply assume for *ANY REASON* that because one kind of LGBT person cleared on one show that others will too, there’s so many ways that drops through the floor.

That small aside about network bullshittery handled, let’s get back to the terms.

Negative queer coding I can think of with things like, I dunno. Jafar. Honestly very few LGBT people will actively associate with most of these attributes because a great wealth of them are attributes in the eyes of straight creators villainizing gay people, rather than gay people making gay people that just happen to be villains, and this distinction *DOES MATTER.* The long, snaky body -- the coy, venomous tone, embellished gestures; I mean sure, some people are like that, and that’s fine, you be you, but it’s a stereotype most try to shed rather than play into. It’s not the sum of who we are but put into the wrong creator’s hands, they *make* that the perceivable sum of who we are, + villainy.

But queer coding CAN be suggestively used to paint positive role models in situations they can’t necessarily be written as Overtly Gay, and the list of those reasons is unfortunately Very Long. But they are always things that are active choice, and your interpretation of what is Active Choice is not the same as Proven Active Choice.

For example: “The wallpaper was green and blue in this scene so Dean is thinking of Castiel even if he isn’t saying it.” Okay. We’re gonna go to Subtext and Interpretation later, but summarily: no. Hell, maybe it even is, but that’s a huge vault you actually have to exorbitantly prove and you can’t just say “but movie lighting theory” because I promise Dean = Green Cas = Blue isn’t general lighting theory.

An alternate example: “Bobo Berens, the first LGBT author on Supernatural, affirmed that Castiel was written in place of Colette, Cain’s wife, in Dean’s mirrored life; this is recurring symbolism and reflects often in Beren’s work, wherein his first episode showrunner Carver opted them to act as jilted lovers, and made a vast wash of content involving bold partnership ideals such as ‘at the altar’, ‘secret admirer’, and more that mysteriously hit the cutting room floor, but resonates very loudly through several directly connected seasons and all future work by Berens such as classic romantic partnership gifts and ideas [mixtape, heart connect, etc].”

This is simultaneously coding and subtext. We could frankly make 200 page dissertations about this chain of text -- and most of us already have -- that doesn’t require loudly extrapolating interpretation of external elements or single unrelated lines.

“But subtext is just QUEERBAIT. It’s JUST SUBTEXT, it’s NOT CANON.”

Okay honey let me stop you right there. This is like the most common bad hot take in this fucking fandom. Like every part of it is bad but everybody kind of strings it together into one big Ball of Bad.

Subtext is, summarily, a hidden body of text that is felt in the work. Beyond Who You Want To Be Gay, subtext is a lot of things. Subtext is the value of humanity above all powers and principalities, in Supernatural. And there’s all kinds of other subtext. Whenever you see someone blink and have black eyes in SPN without them saying “I’m a demon” and you know they’re a demon, that’s... kind of subtext too. I mean, we know textually demons have black eyes, but nothing ever said only demons have black eyes. So what if I wanted to say it’s the ghost of big bird? It’s MY INTERPRETATION and MY INTERPRETATION IS VALID TOO.

Shit you can even cobble together half assed unrelated extrapolations--some demons have yellow eyes and Jack had yellow eyes so he wasn’t a demon so clearly not all black eyes are demons and uh... the angel blade kills lots of things, that black eyed thing still wasn’t a demon.

See how easy it is to absolutely BULLSHIT around it with decontextualized BULLSHIT? It almost passes at a glance until held up to the smallest bit of scrutiny and following episodes.

Okay, so look, “It’s my interpretation, and my interpretation is valid” is only as far as it holds up soundly to *you.* As long as it is truly valid to *you.* And that doesn’t mean big brave faces you put on For The Twitter Stan Wars because you don’t want to lose digital clout when the newest episode falls through and blows your entire house of cards out of the water because you weren’t reading the actual subtext being hewn into the story by the authors -- or even forming a resilient resistant read of your own subtext that can hold -- but once that interpretation leaves your mouth to try to bounce off of other people’s viewpoints, you’re now indirectly challenging their viewpoint with theirs. If you stay in your cabal where you think the spirit of big bird has black eyes, and never subtweet or @ or whatever anybody else about this Hot Take, that’s fine, just don’t be surprised when you’re left defending that to whatever followers you pulled into the Big Bird Cabal.

Or you all sit in angry silence with each other and then start helicopter swinging at the writers for ruining The Spirit Of Big Bird that was never fucking there. Because you’re trying to apply patchy, unstable, and generally very piss poorly founded readings to a still released work.

So THAT lead in shoved off to the side about interpretation and keeping your interpretation to yourself if you don’t want to be challenged by far more solid interpretations, Because that’s how content discussion works,

SUBTEXT IS OFTEN A FORMULATIVE PART OF CANON, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS CODED, WHETHER WE ARE TALKING QUEER CODING OR ANY OTHER KIND OF CODING.

Subtext is a thematic undercurrent. Subtext is the unspoken soul of a piece, what lies in the blank space between the lines, but not just whatever you take the lines to be. If you sit down and write a lit paper, you’re gonna have to explain where you pulled your subtext out of.

You can either go the “Death of the Author” route where you summarily erase any commentary ever made and build your own, but you still need to be able to read the sum of the text and present what it all is. And most importantly you can’t just present what it’s not. If your entire reading of a work is trying to explain away common sense bullshit and it ends up reading like All Work No Play Makes Johnny Dull Boy because you had to build 82 nonlinear explanations around what you don’t want, and those all lead to nowhere, that professor is going to flunk the shit out of you. And if you use Death of an Author DEFINITELY don’t simultaneously try to appeal to authority with other quotes convenient to you.

Not Wanting something to Be So and going completely over the river and through the woods in completely disjointed intentionally maladapted readings of refusal doesn’t mean you’ve found subtext, it means you’ve chosen to make a reading -- an interpretation -- that is not really thematically sound with the body of work but for whatever reason, you’ve chosen to make that the meaning it has to *you.* And that’s fine. Unless you’re trying to impress a professor. Or jousting your opinion off of somebody else that isn’t doing cartwheels around the content to avoid the parts they don’t like (and get mad about it later.)

Removing all genuine thematic subtext and disregarding it from any part of the canon discussion of a piece is, however, devastating and essentially rips out the foundation of a piece. This has become all the more common as junk TV gets junkier and continues to appeal to the lowest common denominator that need to be reminded that 2+2=4 every three episodes before they accept that 2+2=4 in their respective canon universe, because otherwise they’ll claim it’s just subtext or someone else’s opinion that it equals 4.

And that’s not what these words mean and I am left eternally climbing up walls, because in this fandom, like... subtext, interpretation, coding, queerbait have all become one amorphous blob that just gets hurled around like four stuck together balls of Gak at a grade school party and just seeing where they splatter.

It is entirely possible for content to be subtextual and canon, if it is thematically resonant with the piece and a loud and fundamental part of its storytelling that it can not operate without acknowledging. Discussion of queer content aside, there’s a lot of shit this applies to. There’s a certain sense of good faith most authors put in their readers/viewers/whatever that people will have an fundamental understanding of the spirit of a work they’re conveying. This good faith amount varies depending on their projected demographic, but let me assure you, if your respective creator essentially has the characters stop and do “today I learned” narratives, or interruption explanation inserts over everything, there’s one of two reasons: 1. It’s a literal parody/comedy 2. It’s either geared for kids or they think you’re all fucking idiots.

As I don’t tend to watch parody, comedy, or kid shows, I tend to favor shows that don’t feel the need to handhold me through every instance of the show. Because I am not nor do I appreciate being treated like an idiot.

Subtext is a valuable part of canon as long as we are talking by virtue of “coding” not “random unfounded interpretation.”

Now, to the topic of queer coding, is it fundamentally gratifying to our primitive lizard brain survival instinct if we see characters kiss or whatever your personal landmark for gratification is? I mean, sure. Does the romance leading up to the kiss absolutely not matter at all until the kiss, or was that early state of subtext, dance, and non-consummation itself a valid romantic journey?

Because honestly this is something I feel current LGBT dialogue is missing. We’re so wounded from being caught in the subtext veil that we want confirmation, but everybody wants to skip the journey to the sweet stuff. I’m not saying every story needs to be a years long slow burn, but y’all. You know how we talk about het romance being boring as fuck because it’s like “dude/chick look at each other and they fuck and now they’re insufferable, hahahah is this what het culture is like is this what they call romance what kind of standards--”? Yeah, we’re rapidly snowplowing towards that.

I’m also not saying quick confirmation is bad either. There’s shows and stories where even pre-confirmed LGBT couples are GREAT to see, just existing in the population. Not every story needs to be THE grand romance, or THE great coming out adventure, some can have already had their adventures just like the Totally Het Neighbors Next Door and that’s... fine. That’s great, even.

But we are approaching Absolute Bottom Barrel Trash Content at terminal velocity, mostly just being exploited and monetized by corporations that are virtue signaling us to give at best sub-par turnout. The amount of currently airing shows with quality queer content can probably be counted on your two hands.QED there’s hundreds of shows, thousands depending on which networks you’re counting in your numbers. Off the top of my head, Legends of Tomorrow has a fabulously queer cast that Just Is without being defined only by having a partner nor being a rainbow lamp with a sticky note of plot directions.

But we are also signaling creators that it’s no longer safe *to* give us gradual, slow burns, or genuine romance either. And we’re ALSO signaling creators -- INCLUDING QUEER CREATORS -- that it is no longer safe to make subtextual or coded content.

“Well good!” you probably say.

NO, THIS IS BAD, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

Because while you may live in a fantasy universe where X Network had Y show exactly This Gay To Ride, it’s in blatant disregard of inconsistent landmarks and limbo sticks different shows, creators, and products have to go through, and some people in some shows are trying REALLY REALLY HARD to give you resonant queer content and you’re just shitting all over them and yelling that it’s queerbait.

I mean, queerbait is the idea that someone is giving queer content without intent to follow through and generally to exploit a queer audience. The problem is, all queerbait accusations are launched in default bad faith. Some of that bad faith is earned. Some of it is not. Sometimes there’s a lesbian with a network executive breathing down her neck that just wants to let her girls be together so she has them hold hands, even if she knows The Straights will talk it away as best friends, no matter how many canonically romantic storylines they’ve wedged into the subtext through loudly recognizable tropes.

Queerbait is a VERY DANGEROUS CARD and MUST BE USED WITH EXTREME CAUTION. Because depending on the longevity of what you’re crowing about, without understanding of what’s going on beyond the production veil, you can very easily even get creatives and creators hard shut down on a network level for wanting to protect the product. I’m sure you think “make it gay!” is the one answer to that, but no, it isn’t always, not depending on what the old white guy network exec I mentioned a while ago has in his papers about what or who he interprets pulls his income and what they like via demographics or inconsistent marketing test groups.

That’s not to say never call out queerbait, but the internet desperately needs to be more conscious about when and where they fling it around. What if Korra fans started horrifically screeching about queerbait and blasting it all over the internet and @’ing production or even network people and making devoted articles to make it a shitshow that even hit GA impact zones? Do you really think Nickelodeon would look at their demographic paperwork and throw it in the air and go “Oh! Well we make it gay then.”

Or do you think they’d have left a hard feedback note to further divide those characters with a strong warning about limits and restrictions.

We are slowly moving out of the area of things like queer coded villains and have more migrated into an area of subversive queer coding, but a great deal of subversive queer coding has people lose their SHIT because Some Idiot On The Internet With A Shitty Take And Quarter Assed Interpretation told them “it’s just subtext so it’s not valid until they kiss”, setting out this roving goalpost everybody keeps running after like a goddamn donkey chasing a carrot on a stick, and in some cases completely unable to be reached, despite the LITERAL BEST INTENTION of the authors.

I’ve heard “well if they can’t Bring It All The Way, they shouldn’t at all.” What the FUCK? What kind of UNBEARABLY STRAIGHT WASHED WORLD do you want to live in? What kind of world do you think we’re living in right now? I regret to inform you, Trump got elected to office somehow and reversed a lot of LGBT protections somehow and it’s not just “because Russia,” it’s because there’s still a SHITTON of assholes out there that make corporations that bankroll TV SHITTONS of money and whether we like it or not, TV is a BUSINESS and we’re all DOLLAR SIGNS.

Stripping subversive queer coding, especially from the hands of queer authors, sets us back into a weird offset of primitive ages and extremized content, where the latter becomes poorly packaged lesbians dropped as a marketing plan to upsell Trendy New Teen Show without daring to rattle the middle aged demographic of a split political demographic in another show. No. Absolutely fucking not. Use some responsibility and apply some critical thinking before yelling queerbait and figure out where a problem is in any given situation, that’s all I fucking ask.

Hell for all you know those queer creators could be pitching it again and again behind the scenes, or baited on that side with maybes, or being stalled out by being told to wait for test marketing groups, and generally tugged around on their own leash where corporate is summarily watching the feedback to the blatant but subtextual and coded queer content.

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Now, ALL OF THIS becomes a fucking mess in discussion when people don’t box off these definitions and issues.

If people don’t realize the value of subtext to canon,

And people don’t understand the difference between coding and interpretation,

And people confuse queerbait with any of this,

You end up with some giant VAT of literally EVERYBODY sounding like dipshits because Anti A told Shipper B who loves queer author C and relationship D that It’s Just Subtext, and then Shipper B turns around and yells ITS NOT CANON YOU’RE IDIOTS FOR LOVING IT in their pained bitterness, but then Anti A brings Anti B back and they decide they optically prefer relationship Z that has no actual coding or subtext, but they’ve strapped together their own interpretation, but they confuse interpretation and subtext, and break out all interpretations are equal even if they are not in the body of the actual canon work, but now everybody is yelling it’s not canon because nobody even fucking knows what any of these words mean anymore, and then Shippers A-Z turn around and start yelling queerbait at a gay author just trying to write his little gay heart out-- you see the problem, right?

On the other hand, there’s fandoms where people confuse these same points and think their uncorroborated interpretation is subtext simply because they chose to interpret it that way, and with enough voices drawn into it in the vat of “all interpretations are equal”, turn around and yell queerbait at authors who are scratching their heads going “the fuck are you on about”

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Other bad takes: The opinions of actors really don’t fucking matter. I don’t care if they’re pro-relationship or anti-relationship or just pro/anti any idea other than a relationship. This is like taking the opinion of some dude who played Hamlet an eternity ago for Shakespeare while Shakespeare was still alive and writing about what Shakespeare’s writing meant. His opinion may be meaningful to him, but it is his own interpretation. If Shakespeare wrote Hamlet The Sequel the actor could turn out entirely wrong about what he was babbling about.

Actors are just interpreting the art to screen like you are. Acting is an interpretive art. They’re just. Interpreting. Just like you. So stop whipping out statements of actors against each other. You might as well be quoting jared-uwu-cest.tumblr dot com as an authority for your bad fucking take. Stop it. If actors on the same set have conflicting opinions and are just talking about their opinion, their opinion doesn’t mean shit more than any other fan of the source content, unless they are hand delivering statements, cited, from specific authors they’ve communicated with about the work they’re interpreting from (coming to mind, the time Jensen Ackles went to showrunner Jeremy Carver confused about the romance with Amara feeling right, only to tell us that Jeremy Carver told us that Amara wasn’t his romance, she was his kryptonite).

Now if you’re choosing death of the author NONE of this is relevant, obviously, because you shouldn’t be citing ANY of this, because then you’re just playing to discussion points for convenience. But if you are looking for actual intent, the actor’s interpretation is only as valid as any other dedicated interpretation, albeit possibly more or less sounded in awareness of the text, but is otherwise only as valuable for how direct of a voice box they are being for what authors said about specific scenes. Hell, most things are filmed out of order and many actors don’t watch the whole piece. It already consumes their work life, it won’t consume their home life, no matter how much they love it, they haven’t reviewed the full body of the piece externally as a finished product, just processed emotions out of sequence.

THERE WAS A NEW AVENGER THAT DIDNT EVEN REALIZE HE WAS ACTING A NEW AVENGER UNTIL HE TOOK HIS KIDS TO THE MOVIES AND WAS LIKE “OH SHIT I’M AN AVENGER.” Stop BANKING on actor statements.

This also gets more complicated in group writing projects such as TV shows with multiple authors. And MORE complicated explaining that complication to fandom when they get positive statements from the creator of a show who is the *only* author and then turn around and yell “WHY DIDN’T [OTHER FANDOM]” do that when like, IDK, 6/40 authors have over the course of however long it’s been written on, most have been radio silent and one other had a different opinion and then you just expect some group borg rising of everybody who’s ever written on the show to come and hand deliver you individual hand-fed statements about what they meant.

This entire thing also foregoes the import of directors and how they work with their set dressers as part of the creative process; they’re what manifest the text into a visual medium of the story, which may or may not be identical to the author’s intent. Again, to hearken back to Supernatural as my root fandom here, it’s been mentioned Sgriccia knew how to work with everyone and get what they were meaning to convey with how long he worked on set, so generally, authors and Sgriccia cooperated really well in a full art. Whereas that nightmare of an episode Don’t Go In The Woods was directed by a VFX guy as his first directing experience and we could see he barely knew how to work with actors much less the spirit of the text; he just had great understanding of environment.

These things, these opinions, these takes also matter. Because TV is a different form. I generally don’t see people arguing Pride & Prejudice on twitter, it’s usually TV/movies. Lit theory is incredibly valid for understanding the pace and flow of a body of work but you also have to understand what authors are deeply plugged into that, what directors are deeply plugged in, who’s an experimental folly they’ll patch up the work of afterward, it’s not the same as just reading a novel by one author or, at most, a few co authors in immediate harmony.

Like I don’t know if people think I did my Crazy Pagan Magic to come up with the season 14 ending like I had a pages-long rant reel of direct quotes and shots that literally predicted that Jack was going to lose his soul, become faux-god, and Dean was going to be given an ultimatum of shooting him, probably after killing Mary, because getting the yellow eyed thing was the point right--but that the true scarlet letterman wasn’t their lost child, but the absent father. The Great Father who left all questions--the god of control. But dad told you to put a bullet in me, and you didn’t.

Like, anyone remember me spouting literally all of these things across different posts? It’s not magic. So while Christians in fandom are turning themselves into pretzels making shitbrained theories trying to explain why it Wasn’t Really Chuck Or Chuck Isn’t Really God, I’ve got a few hundred pages of thesises here talking about this being exactly where they were going because of SUBTEXT. Because it’s PART OF THE CANON AND BUILDING THE FUNDAMENTAL STORY.

If it comes to a textual head like Chuck, great. But people have to recognize whatever landmark they set for what they consider a textual head is entirely subject to the creators or, worse, a network. The same way in season 11 they got told they couldn’t kill God, here we go on take 2, maybe the network changed it’s mind, we’ll find out.

These things all interplay VERY IMPORTANTLY with each other and also, this issue goes WELL BEYOND Supernatural fandom. At some point in history a bunch of people in multiple fandoms started slinging these words around without understanding them and bounced them off of more people that don’t understand them and it turns into a goddamn hot mess because nobody’s using words like they mean anymore, just vaguely beating each over the head with it, and it’s driving me i n s a n e. Hell, y’all are undermining YOURSELVES half the time by the way people have taught you to misuse words.

ALSO WRT “CANON”

Most of the above covers what canon is within the way it’s abused in fandom, but I’ve seen some people take the idea of it being accepted into a body of work by the authors as meaning like, every reading of the material needs to be acknowledged by the authors. I already detailed what it means. It’s absolutely not that. 100%. I don’t give a shit how you choose to interpret that. Because there is literally no way on planet earth an author has made a full statement confirming every detail about every part of their book and that goalpost doesn’t just magically manifest when we’re talking about, say, gay shit. Or powers you don’t like. If it’s thematically there, it’s thematically there, you can’t hackjob it out of canon just because This Specific Idea doesn’t have a Canon For Dummies statement attached to it, or worse, one attached to it specifically to your liking, since people like interpreting away ones based on their preferences rather than reason.

Similarly it doesn’t mean there’s a magic goalpost of a vagueblogged percentage of people that must accept the content for it to be canon. Hell, like half the fandom still tricked themselves into thinking there was a reaper retcon in season 9 (x) that NEVER FUCKING EXISTED IN ANY DAMN CAPACITY. Large groups of people choosing to miss the point doesn’t mean the canon didn’t hold the point, simply that they chose to draw another point out of it. Generally, in a still releasing work, that also leaves them disappointed and confused later (such as when someone claimed they retconned the nonexistent reaper retcon, because I heard you like retcons.)

There is no magic percent, no magic statement. These things are nice, but they aren’t what makes canon. Canon is the actual accepted body of work such as seasons, episodes, books, movies, or whatever else as part of the universe. (Eg: Supernatural’s novels are officially noncanonical and not part of discussion of canon content. They are not accepted into canon. That’s what this means.)

Also if you’re talking about canon quantify it. You can be as tired as you want about bad rep, but bad rep quality has nothing to do with the canon source content. You can be as tired about lowkey gayness as you want but are you saying the canon material isn’t romantic at all, or are you saying the characters aren’t consummated yet. If the canon material isn’t canonically romantic why are you yelling queerbait; or acknowledge the value of queer unconsummated canon romances even if you aspire for more, but don’t bounce that goalpost around for convenience, fuck sake.

DID U KNOW that things can be CANONICALLY ROMANTIC without being CANONICALLY CONSUMMATED? Or that even a queer author’s idea of what reads as consummated canon may not be the same as yours? Did you know that a MLM LGBT author in his 40s may have very different ideas of how to express an MLM romance than a bunch of WLW LGBT women of any age, because there’s intersectionality at play? If you don’t want bi men determining how lesbians should be represented we need to apply that all around, kids.

-----

So sure, your interpretation can be valid, for you. But once you joust others, or pin your interpretation on the show without careful exploration of the actual intentful themes, you’re gonna probably be disappointed as it releases and uproots your ideas. Now the question is if you are willing to hold mature intelligent discourse about other people’s potential interpretations and readings, or if you’re going to grapple onto your old, broken interpretation like Gollum with the Ring because it’s your precious and you’ll let it send you crawling into a moldy cave hissing at anyone happily walking by.

Is Your Interpretation worth your anger when it falls through Do you even WANT to like the show? Do you literally prefer staying angry over reviewing your take compared to people who are still happy with it? Why AREN’T you willing to figure out where you went left of canon?

And furthermore, is your anger and broken interpretation/expectations worth holding onto a damn ring/show that clearly isn’t what you thought it was, or can you toss your fiery stan rage into Mordor before you turn into a twitter goblin and find a place you can interpret differently that makes you happy?

---

Lesson: Stop being fandom goblins

Also @tinkdw

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imagine-organization-xiii · 5 years

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Org XIII Members as Yanderes

Suggested by: Anon. I did research for this one, guys, because I’m not very familiar with the Yandere style. For another good post - that is a lot better than this one - about Org members as Yandere’s, click here. To find where I got my information, click here.

Don’t know what a Yandere is? Here’s a definition: “yandere is a portmanteau of two Japanese words, yanderu (to be sick) and deredere (strongly and deeply lovestruck.) Someone who is sweet and kind at first glance but will become violent and possessive when it comes to their love.”

Be warned. This one gets violent in some places. Also, the behaviors and attitudes listed below are toxic, so if you have a significant other who displays any of these traits, please do what you can to safely leave the situation.

Xemnas

Type: Sadistic

Arguably the worst of the yandere types, Xemnas and sadistic yandere’s have a strong desire to break you. To tear you apart until you’re nothing more than an empty shell of what you once were, and now he can change and mold you to be whatever he wants you to be. In his eyes, you are pure and perfect, so he is utterly fascinated with the idea of corrupting you.

Physical pain is one thing that Xemnas thrives on. Causing physical harm is one of the only ways that he feels he can show affection. Grabbing you a little too harshly by the arm, grabbing your chin with his hand to force you to look at him, pushing you onto the bed or onto a chair and forcibly ripping off your clothes when he wants to have sex with you? All things that Xemnas does.

However, mental and emotional pain is something that he is seriously good at causing. Whether it’s harming or hurting your family and friends, manipulating you into hurting them yourself, and causing you to just be completely mentally torn about your feelings for him and his actions. Xemnas pretty much lives to torture you.

Xigbar

Type: Manipulative

Xigbar’s natural personality is mischievous and dangerous, which makes his manipulation of you all the more powerful. He’s naturally an enticing guy and lures you in with his bad boy persona and before you know it you’re spiraling down a rabbit hole of possession and manipulation.

Makes you feel like you’re completely and utterly dependent on him so when he wants sex and you don’t, you feel like you have to satisfy him otherwise he might leave you. Then where would you be? Alone and lonely and with no one to help you?

Before you actually got together and he realized that you had some attraction for him, he would definitely do anything in his power to make you jealous. He won’t be satisfied until all of your thoughts are of him and no one else.

Xaldin

Type: Overprotective

Xaldin is like a silent guardian for you, following you around and standing behind you with his arms crossed, intimidating anyone that you speak to. It gets to be so overwhelming sometimes that you want him to back off, but be careful when you tell him that because he’ll scowl and frown and claim that you aren’t taking your own safety seriously.

In general, he’s happy just being by your side. He likes spending time in your company and doesn’t like being away from you. However, if he feels at any moment that you’re in harm’s way, you won’t even be able to imagine what he’ll be capable of. Will definitely attack or even kill anyone who bothers to lay a hand on you.

He loves having you depend on him at certain moments because he feels as though you can’t protect yourself. He almost treats you like a child at moments and uses your imagined weakness as an excuse to never be away from you.

Vexen

Type: Stalker

Vexen is usually so busy with doing whatever it is that he does on a daily basis that he has a hard time balancing his work with his feelings for you. Doesn’t get a chance to romance you like he actually wants, so he definitely turns to some stalker tendencies. The worst he’ll ever get is that he literally has a camera in places that you frequent, including your bedroom. It’s the only way he knows that he can keep an eye on you - protect you - while still being able to work.

Watches from the sidelines and continuously admires you from afar, very much on the line of ‘creepy.’ Definitely capable of killing for his S/O whether she knows it or not.

Lexaeus

Type: Overprotective

The two of you were always very close and neither of you can really pinpoint the moment when your relationship went from being protective to overprotective. It was almost a natural transition, so slow and gradual that you barely noticed it. Even Lexaeus doesn’t believe he’s being overprotective because he doesn’t think that he’s going to far with watching over you. Your safety isn’t debatable.

Lexaeus is quiet and dangerous as he watches over you, sometimes taking your safety a little too seriously. You don’t dare call him on it though, in fear of what he might do.

In the end, he makes you feel so paranoid that every single thing in the world might be a danger to you, so you pretty much cease to be your own person. He uses it as an excuse to keep you by his side at all times.

Zexion

Type: Obsessive

Kind of similar to the stalker type. The only difference is that Zexion does make contact with you more often than not and communicates with you as though you are less than intelligent - as if you need to be protected and preserved and kept away from any dangers in the world that might tarnish you.

He’s usually very much a sweetheart on the outside, but there’s something about him - about the way he watches you - that makes you uneasy. It’s almost as though you’re one of his well worn novels that he wishes to put on a bookshelf and keep, to only flip through when he wants to reminisce.

Saix

Type: Possessive

Yandere’s who are the possessive type would like to physically own their love interest, and Saix is no different with you. Like all of the yandere types, the possessive type goes hand in hand with both the obsessive and the stalker. Saix wants to keep you safe and protected, like you’re a favorite knick knack or doll that needs to be kept in confinement.

Really at the extreme part of the spectrum. Saix is extremely good with words and will definitely convince you that you are better off with him and only him. He’ll try to tell you that the friends you have are bad for you and how you shouldn’t go outside because you might get hurt.

Will definitely use force to get what he wants. If you ever try to leave, be prepared to be dragged back by your hair.

Axel

Type: Manipulative

“You don’t want your friends to get hurt, do you? I mean, you can barely take care of yourself. I can’t imagine what kind of burden you must be on them.“ Will definitely manipulate you into thinking you can’t live without him. Controlling you is Axel’s main goal. One main issue with this type of yandere is that many people are already involved with or having feelings for the manipulative person, which makes it much easier to manipulate them! Axel uses your own feelings and love for him to his advantage, making you think that he knows best for you.

“I can’t live without you,“ is not the compliment you once thought. It’s a snare to keep you with him. Makes it so that you feel as though you have to stay to protect him, and by the time you’ve given up everything for him, he turns on you and makes it so that you want to monopolize him as much as he wants to keep you.

Demyx

Type: Possessive

Demyx’s playful demeanor hides a possessive monster. Goes insane when anyone tries to touch or make eye contact with you because he sees you as property and not a person. Will definitely try to separate you from friends and families under the guise of keeping you safe. He’s so casual about it that you can’t help but believe him, and the next thing you know, you’re locked in his room, cut off from society.

Restrained in public, rough and almost violent in private. Wants you to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, and act a certain way. All ways that would suit him. If you act out or do something he doesn’t like, he’ll make it known and you’ll definitely be punished for it.

Luxord

Type: Obsessive

Like other obsessive Yandere types, Luxord doesn’t see you as a person. More often than not, he sees you as a piece of artwork that should be admired and praised. He sometimes wishes that he could pose you like a mannequin in his room forever just so he can admire your exquisite beauty for all eternity.

Luxord manages to keep his yandere tendencies to himself. His mischievous, kind demeanor masks a person who is possessive and controlling. Once Luxord has you in his clutches, chances are that you will not be able to escape again.

Marluxia

Type: Stalker

On the opposing side of the clingy version of the yandere spectrum, stalker type yandere’s usually never have much of a chance to win their love’s affection. Marluxia is so busy with his organization duties, as well as taking care of his plants, etc., that he rarely gets to spend as much time with you as he’d like.

Leaves big bouquets of flowers outside of your door all the time with little love notes saying how much he cares for you and wants to be with you.

Will definitely sabotage any relationship you have with anyone else, especially if that relationship happens to be romantic.

Larxene

Type: Sadistic

Borderline manipulative, Larxene is almost a black widow spider in the way she entices you and manipulates you into her tight clutches and breaks you down until you are nothing like you were before. Fixated on changing you into what she sees as perfect. To her, you’re already pure, but not in the correct way. You’re perfect, but not perfect for her.

As is right with the main definition of sadism - deriving pleasure from the pain of others - Larxene thrives on seeing you in mental and emotional pain. Physical pain is another thing entirely. Slapping you around a bit really gets her going.

Roxas

Type: Clingy

When I say clingy, I mean clingy. Clingy goes hand in hand with the stalker type, when the person feels as if they simply cannot function properly without you. Roxas has serious abandonment issues, so more often than not you’ll find him at your side, holding onto your hand, asking to hang around you. You aren’t even sure if he realizes that he’s doing it sometimes.

The most childish out of most of the organization members. Roxas needs to be near you or he doesn’t feel right. He almost seems normal most of the time because he just wants to spend time with you, but beware - if someone ever tries to monopolize your time, he will most definitely get possessive, defensive, and dangerous.

Xion

Type: Clingy

More on the childish spectrum of the clingy yandere type. Almost acting like a child, Xion needs attention or she will pout and throw what could definitely be compared to a tantrum. Usually just fine with being at your side as you do your own day to day activities, but be warned if you ever try to make a bit of space toward you.

Gets serious separation anxiety when away from you, which means that her clingy attitude will definitely get worse as time goes on. This means that she needs to be by your side almost constantly and gets fidgety when you’re out of her sight.

#organization xiii #organization xiii headcanons #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts headcanons #yandere

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skeksissquid · 4 years

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Progress Blog: Week 17 - 2-11-2020

The past week has been somewhat uneventful due to a snow day, as well as myself getting distracted by really interesting and helpful concepts. Since last week I ended up putting up my post on Wednesday, and did not explain what I was doing then, I was spending my time working on the monster model, trying to get a better grasp on brush alphas, as well as did a bit more editing of the scarab. Thursday, I ended up working more on the scarab, but remembered that Mr.Compton told me to ask about “purpose in art”, the next time we met outside of Creative Jam, which resulted in me learning probably a bit later then I should that the purpose of something and the context that it is used in is first and foremost, because then other creative and design details can be made which reinforce the purpose made and lead to better models and designs as a result. Another thing that happened on Thursday was me learning how the golden ratio, aka the ratio of 1 to ~1.618 is present in almost everything biological as well as in most appealing artwork, which led to me having a sort of confusion based obsession with the topic for about six hours where I researched almost the entire time on the topic, specifically trying to find examples and examples that don’t use it and why they don't. To say the least, it was an eye opener as to how little I know, and how deep the rabbit hole goes, which was actually quite invigorating. As a test, to see how well my model from Trespasser would hold up with this idea, I decided to trace the outline of the model with paper, (real professional, I know,) and used a ruler to try to make a rectangle around the head according to the proportions, as well as take measurements so I could figure out the proportions. I’ll just say that I was surprised and felt a small bit slighted by these results, . . .

Monster (front) -Notice how the box in the middle is where the tearing bit of the face is, and the line that intersects with the upper jaw’s teeth is at the almost exact length of the incisors and how the vertical lines correspond with the edges of the eyes.

Monster (side) -Look how the vertical line corresponds with the brow as well as the end of the mouth on the model. The horizontal line connects almost identically with the top jaw.

Scarab masks concept art - I tried to fiddle around with the mask to try to see what features give off what effect, and the the mask with the Fibonacci spiral in it, (also another example of The Golden Ratio,) was the mask that I settled on being the most suit for the concept. Using the idea of he Golden Ratio, surprise, surprise, it made the mask feel more full and lively.

Moving on to Monday and today, these primarily were composed of doing bits of design work with Austen as well as working on textures for the monster for Trespasser, since David wants it to start to be finished up soon since a lot of people are starting to lose interest. Starting with textures, I was messing around with brush alphas to try to figure out which would work best until I ended up stumbling across ~BrushAlpha8, which resulted in a nice lumpy, yet smooth enough texture for the skin when smoothed over. using different brush sizes and amounts of smoothness got a nice bit of skin feeling to the model on top of the noise channel. In order to prevent the teeth from getting affected, I ended up making them their own SubTool as suggestion from Mr.Compton, which also worked to get a nice enameled effect, since it removed in from the noise channel as well. Today I started using ~BrushAlpha7′s inverse to get the effect of having skin pores when lightly smoothed over on top of the smoothed ~BrushAlpha8, got a nice, somewhat realistic skin surface to the model.

As for design work, that primarily took place yesterday when trying to discuss with Austen death animations within VR, which is a bit tricky. Mr.Compton had a good suggestion of having you go third person as soon as you die, and you see your character’s body be killed as you watch in horror. Austen and I eventually came down to arguing if third person would be better in this scenario than first person, which led down to the argument, “can third person VR work?”, which prompted me to ask Robbie out of curiosity to try to make a third person mode to the game to see how it would affect immersion and gameplay, since I think it would lead to a smoother transition for deaths. As for today, David pitched to me the idea of a sort of VR 3D Cockpit of some kind, which honestly sounds like a blast for a dog fight game of some kind, but given how it would probably work as wells the limitations of VR, I ended up thinking about other possible uses for this concept, and had the epiphany of combining an idea that Alex had at a few design meetings and mix it with David’s idea, and you have an underwater submarine exploration game where you have to avoid sea creatures that are hostile to light while trying to traverse the deep ocean. Originally the concept for Alex’s game was to be 2D and kind of a bullet hell, but with this possible idea, who knows if it could develop further or not.

Sample of monster’s skin (close-up)

Monster (front)

So in summary:

- Wednesday: Worked on Scarab

- Thursday: Learnt about The Golden Ratio and The Fibonacci Spiral

- Monday: Worked on Monster textures and design work

- Tuesday: Continue Monster textures and have to pitch submarine concept to Alex and Austen (talked to David already about it.)

Goals for next week:

- Start to finish the monster head and get it to Destin

- UV map the monster

- Do more design work

- Maybe help out Jasmine and model things that she wants to request for her project

Problems that I might run into:

- Distractions as usual

- Might get caught up on details for the Monster

- Destin might not give back the head for a while.

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echoes-of-realities · 5 years

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Hi! I read your rant on why glee was so poorly done (I agree completely). I was wondering if you could explain your connection with the characters (specifically Brittany and Santana)? Why do you care so much about characters from a show you don’t really like or agree with? Or why do you continue to write using them? Just curious!

So first, I debated for a long time about this, but eventually decided to just give the really personal and really long answer partially because this is a situation that has popped up again and partially because being a fic writer is very personal, so my answer is going to be really personal anyways. You can’t spend most of your time writing inside the mind of someone else without leaving a bit of yourself behind.

Second, I’m not explaining this situation to get sympathy or anything. It’s just what I’ve been through and what I’m going through again, but the difference is that this time around I’m in a much better place than I was last time. I’m more comfortable with myself and more settled, I’m not letting myself go into a depressive spiral like last year, and I have much healthier coping methods this time around.

And third, this is kinda a contemplation on my mental health now, so I’m mostly going ahead and posting to remind myself of how far I’ve come and since this is my personal blog and I Can lol

So! More below the cut. If the cut doesn’t work on mobile, as it is wont to do, I’m so sorry, Tumblr is barely functional at the best of times so just scroll really fast lmao.

So I got into Glee right in the middle of a really rough time in my life. Late last November we found out that my little sister—who’s still in high school—had an aggressive tumour in her knee, and none of the doctor’s could figure out exactly what it was. She had a biopsy in December though we didn’t get the results until February since they didn’t know what it was, but it showed it there was like a 0.01% of it being cancerous. When it had been MRI’d in October it was the size of a loonie and aggressively growing, but when they removed it the following March it had shrunk to like the size of a pea. They sent that off for testing but there wasn’t enough of a sample to figure it out but they think it might have been a burned out cancerous tumour. And so they removed it and scraped the bone around it, threw some cement in my sister’s knee, and called it a day. Flash forward to two weeks ago, my sister had a cheek up because it’d been a year since the found out about it, and instead of getting the news that everything was fine we instead found out that whatever the fuck it is—because they still don’t know—is back and is now growing above the cement and in an entirely different spot than the first tumour. So now we’re back to the waiting game to figure out what the fuck is going on in my sister’s knee, since the radiologists are still puzzling over her new MRI from this December.

So long story short, my sister is still a certified medical weirdo and I spent the last bit of November 2017 until about February thinking my 16 year-old sister had bone cancer. Needless to say, I was in a really bad place last year and my concentration was shot all to hell. (If you’ve been following me for a while you might remember me explaining why I don’t read or write Hard Angst? This was the depressive spiral I was talking about. This was what I was dealing with and how I discovered that Angsty fic makes my mental health so much worse.)

So that’s what I was dealing with when I got into Glee read: only Brittana lol and flash back a little bit more and I’ll spare you the details of my Epiphany Moment, but I came out as gay to myself, and then came out to my mom in the end of October, so that was still New and Fresh for me. I wanna say I probably started watching Glee again, read: only Brittana scenes lol probably a week after I found out about my sister’s tumour? It was after that but before my finals that semester started, and I literally couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything—because aside from dealing with that, I also lived 1.5 hours away from my family, so my auntie stayed with my sister and my mom so they could all be there for each other, and just because of circumstance I was alone with my thoughts most of the time.

Then I was looking for something to listen to while studying or working on end of term assignments or whatever and I stumbled upon s5’s Valerie. And okay so I’ve Known about Glee since it came out. I watched the pilot but never really got into it, my friend lent me her box set of s1 and I got as far as Terri admitting to her fake pregnancy and went “yep too far for me”, I remember when Cory died because I’m Canadian and he was our Canadian sweetheart, I even remember when Brittana got married because it was all over tumblr and I was at that stage where “I’m invested in gay successes and characters because my cousin is gay and I support gay people and for No Other Reason” lmao. So like, I Knew about Glee, and I Knew about how, uh, let’s say Particular the fandom was over the years. So I watched s5′s Valerie and thought “hey these characters are really cute together and from my Vague Memories I’m pretty sure they’re the show’s lesbian couple?” And I looked it up, saw they were Childhood Friends (that one (1) canon line be damned) to Lovers, which is probably the trope I’m Weakest for lol, and basically just fell down the rabbit hole.

At the beginning of me getting into Glee, it was basically because I had just come out about a month and a bit prior, and I was going through probably the darkest time in my life, and these two characters were about the only thing that was distracting me from my sister’s tumour so I clung to them. I had stopped writing (omg sorry to anyone who followed me from the b99 childhood neighbours au, I think about it being unfinished Constantly and it Haunts me to this day) from about the time we found out about it in November to when the biopsy results came back in the first week of February and we found out that the chances of it being cancerous were like 0.01%. In that time I had been watching Glee again, read: Brittana scenes only lmao and fell in love with the characters themselves beyond “they were distracting me from hard shit,” and so the day we found out the tumour wasn’t cancerous was the day I sat down and found I could finally write again, and I realized I actually had a story in my head, which resulted in you were the choice I made before I knew what the other choices were. So I wrote that and posted it in February this year and got an overwhelmingly positive response to it, past anything I had ever imagined considering the show had ended like 3 years ago lol.

So I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this rambling is that the characters came into my life at the exact right time in the exact right way. Santana’s coming out storyline was not the exact same as mine, but I was also pretending to be somebody I wasn’t in high school, I understand how terrifying it is to live in a Small Town and worry about someone finding out, my grandma died earlier in 2017 and responded poorly to my cousin coming out years before, so the s6 scenes were so bittersweet to watch. And I don’t know exactly why I fell in love with Brittany, but her own storyline in s2 when she was learning to stand up for herself is something I Know, her incredible patience and understanding and snark is what I aspire to, and the fact that people are Constantly underestimating her and she’s struggled with being seen as good enough is so familiar. And their relationship is so strong and tender despite the continued thrashings it took and I admire that so much—even if most of my admiration comes from fic depictions and not canon (s6 aside) lmao.

So yeah, as cheesy as it sounds, even though I think Glee did some good but overall handled their responsibility to their narrative and their audience Horribly, Brittana as characters and as a relationship were the only thing distracting me from obsessing and panicking and spiralling over my sister’s tumour, their storylines helped me understand my own coming out process a little better, and, probably the biggest thing for me, was that they were what got me back into writing again. So I’m always going to love them so much because they’re complex and real (even if most of that comes from fanon interpretations), but the reason they mean so much to me is because I fell in love with them when everyone else in my life was shitty and completely out of my control.

#ask #anon #I dunno how to classify this? it's kinda glee but not really and kinda about my writing but not really?#and I don't have a personal tag #whatever lol

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