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luvsuperboard · 1 year

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stranger

pairing: idol!hyunjin x photographer!f.reader

contains: smut, cursing, hyunjin being jealous of felix, orgasm denial, edging, pet names (darling, love, toy), unexpected end?? clue: it’s in the pictures.

note: don’t really like this but i wanted to post something T-T it’s also inspired in imagination because who doesn’t love the secret relationship trope?! btw sorry if there’s any spelling errors :(

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the sounds of the way his hips collided with your skin and your moans were the only ones rumbling in the small room where the mess started. atrocities were the only things the stranger behind you would say every time he entered your pussy, every time he touched and felt you. is it weird that hearing him say such things makes you go crazy? your mind went blurry, the rhythm of his thrusts was getting faster and faster, rougher and more memorable. this moment will be tattooed in your mind for a long time now. let's hope it reminds you of the reason why you should behave when it comes to this stranger. “don't.” hyunjin felt how your walls began to suck his dick deeper into you, clenching and implying that your orgasm was close. he took his length out of your wet hole making you sigh, it frustrated you to feel empty after being so close.

his hands grabbed your shoulders, turning you around and letting your back rest on the door where your cheek had been glued on. your chest felt heavy, he was edging you, you didn't even realize that his teasing did have an impact on you and your watery eyes were proof of it. he had always been like this, he knew he had you in his hand’s palm, he had involved you in his game, so it was not uncommon to see him try to cause your annoyance. after all, what were you going to do about it? “what happened, darling? don’t wanna play anymore?” it surprised you how he sounded so calm and relaxed. as if I hadn't been fucking you for what it felt like hours so now... oh right, he wasn’t the one being edged. the smirk on his face said everything; although, according to him, he was punishing you for “not behaving”, he was clearly enjoying it.

there was nothing better for him than to see how your back arched, how your body squirmed while being sensitive. seeing you cock drunk, sicking his touch and then take the pleasure away from you. he liked to make you dizzy, make you upset, see you beg and practically cry over his cock. wait, why do we call him a stranger though? ok so. your job is simple, you receive models or artists and take pictures of them for events, promotions, magazines, etc. that being said, it would be very rare to call him something else that wasn’t stranger, because if so, you’d get attached. after all, you weren’t lying, he was just one of the many celebrities you took pictures of, what special quality could he have for you to call him other way?

blah blah you know, let’s just call it a fuck buddies situation and “we ain’t official cuz you’re an idol and im a photographer and omg the world is against us and can’t be together” typa thing…… ?????? for example, did you wear a shorter skirt than usual to work? no problem! that stranger who carefully observed every move you made and who coincidentally always made excuses to go to the photography studio, will be there to tell you that you have limits—created by him.

jealous that someone other than him could have the privilege of seeing you wearing such a thing? pft of course not. what about all those times when a strange car would pick you up from work when, according to you, you weren't in anything or with anyone? well, maybe someone was making that a habit to get to know you better.

in a few words; hyunjin + you = confusing situation.

the guy was nothing to you, obviously there can’t be nothing between a simple photographer and an idol, right? well, that question was going through your mind now, but to think that you have nothing more and nothing less than hwang hyunjin himself destroying you, shook it somewhere else. “hyunjin... please” mhm, as if a dumb phrase like that one would make him take pity on you.

or will it work?

surprise! no.

although yes, hyunjin is and has always been the romantic and sweet type when it comes to having some kind of love relationships; that does not take away from the fact that he is quite ahem possessive. his chest went up and down as he breathed heavily, the veins on his neck popping out, jaw clenched, offended by your request. wasn't it enough for you? first you make him jealous then you have the guts to ask him for more? he didn't listen to you and attacked your neck with licks and bites, his warm breath tickling your skin. he noticed you started to play with his hair though “can’t control your hands neither?” he said and put your hands aside. his words were firm, voice deep, raspy.

you had no choice but to bite your fist, muffling the moans that escaped your lips unconsciously. “‘oh felix, there's no problem with this! oh felix, don't worry about that!’” hyunjin said, mocking how you were talking to felix earlier. "tsk, pathetic" he spat as his lips went down to your collarbone, hands firm on your hips, keeping you pinned to the door. just a few minutes ago he was inside you, length touching that sweet spot that made you lose your sanity. but you forgot you made him jealous, you had broken the rules –although the comment you made to felix was stupid and harmless– and hyunjin was going to make you feel like shit about it.

“should we open the door? show your cute little felix how desperate you are, hmm?” his tip had been in contact with your entrance, teasing your clit with just the tip, driving you crazy. if he continued you’d come right away “thought i didn’t see how you blushed? too bad, darling. i saw too much.”

what did he expect tho, for you to see the lee felix SHIRTLESS, and have no reaction? cmon now.

they were in the studio, the two boys mentioned before were getting ready for a photoshoot in collaboration with cosmopolitan, and since you saw them –especially felix for some reason– you didn't stop complimenting their outfits and style for the occasion. “really? ‘wow felix that looks so good on you!’”he imitated you mockingly and with an annoying tone. it was squeaky. you began to regret making him jealous, but you quickly reconsidered when he bit your neck once again, making you moan in pleasure “god, y/n. fucking embarrassing.” at this point you accepted you lowkey liked this side of him.

“shit- hyunjin, please!” you managed to talk after containing your breath, what you do when you’re nervous, especially when it comes to him. “please what, darling?” you felt him smirk against your neck, you were giving him what he liked the most, which was seeing you beg “if you want me to do something you must ask for it properly, don't you think?”

“please! hyunjin, i wont- it wont happen again” you didn't convince him, instead he growled against your skin, rolling his eyes. yes, you couldn't see his face clearly due the room being dark, but you still could tell he had that typical judgmental face. “i said, what do you want. go ahead and tell me, y/n” he said and continued to click his tongue, his jaw tense and eyes staring at your lips, waiting for the long-awaited phrase to come out of these.

looking up at him with watery eyes, you swallowed “fuck, hyunjin i need you inside me, i want you and only you right now, i need your cock, can you pleas-” and finally your requests worked before you could even finish the sentence. his cock made its way back to your core, you moaned at the feeling of him fucking you again, walls hugging him tightly. it shocked you how after all the times you had been like this with him, his cock’s size inside you was still surprising.

“there we go, look at you being nice. wasn’t that hard, was it?” he began with slow thrusts, finding that familiar spot that made you lose it all. he softly slapped your cheek after talking “respond before I get bored and leave, love. maybe felix could come and replace me...” he said it in order to blackmail you but actually, leave you? hell no, and even less when you had obeyed his orders. let's say he said it to add more tension into the situation, since he knew you would just give up and beg. “it was easy! it was easy h-hyunjin…” he was satisfied enough to now focus on your pleasure and planted a long kiss right behind your ear after hearing you.

how unpredictable, first he destroys you and then makes you feel like a queen... ok not so much like a queen because you're going to see what the guy is going to say next, but yea he was being nicer.

“my cute toy, letting me do whatever i want to you” he kept kissing you neck until he pulled away and looked at you “hope you've learned,” he said, warning you, “remember that this little thing saves everything we did here, okay?” he stroked your cheek while smiling. “but don't worry, love” he put the tiny camera in his back pocket to continue to thrust into you “i don’t think felix wants to see that i’m the only one allowed to fuck you, and fuck you this good” this guy's ego was incredible.

you we’re definitely going to make him jealous again, oh and you were definitely going to try to take a look at that video…

#hyunjin #stray kids x reader #stray kids fics #hyunjin smut #hyunjin x reader #hyunjin imagines #skz x reader #skz #skz smut #stray kids smut

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crookedkryptonitebeliever · 4 months

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Yandere Brother Pt 3

Tw: suffocating unbearable love, violence, general yandere, female reader shenanigans, infantilization, and of course incest. also christmas

minors and ageless blogs dni please <3

click here for part 1 and part 2

Click here for my new oc Yves (PLEASE READ IT I LOVE YVES)

plotholes and emglish errors everywhere and i could not be bothered :100emoji: please dont point it out thanks xoxo

Caught the Covid fuk now i cant leave my bed im so damn sick and pukey all the time, i dont fuckin know where my roommate is but at least they're not here to get infected, feeling like a busted up rustbucket rn

So this was originally written last year, couldnt find what else to write but this christmas time is perfect, so like dont mind the shoehorning of Christmas somewhere in this fic

You're having your summer break and you plan to pick up on a new hobby. Crocheting, perhaps.

Fuck, your brother picked up your search history from his spyware. Now you're left to deal with $1000 worth of wonderful quality crocheting materials and your big brother being your personal crocheting mentor.

This is where it gets frustrating. Yes, if you have the resources, you would enjoy your hobbies more. But, just like... What if you didn't like crocheting in the end? You're stuck with all these.

It happens to every single potential hobby. Stamp collecting? Your big brother will bid to the death for an extremely rare stamp from the 1900. You're not even fucking collecting the stamps, the stamp book already comes arranged with all the stamps ever produced. A collection that would only give a hardcore stamp collector an instant orgasm upon sniffing it.

Nail art? Where the hell should you keep all the acrylic powders, fake nails, drills and drill bits? Not to mention the dizzying numbers of nail polishes, nail brushes, nail stickers and cuticle sticks. Of course, your big brother is going to hire a professional nail artist to make sure you're practicing your hobby safely while he's learning how to do it himself, so he could replace your mentor too. He would become so skilled that he could qualify to open up a 5 star nail salon. But he's not interested unless you are.

Painting? you absolutely do NOT need all of those tubes of paint. The difference in shades for some of them are so small that you mistook it for the same colour. You would have a headache choosing the right type of paper, right type of primer and right type of fixative to use.

Are you having troubles on painting? Let big brother teach you. You would sit on his lap as he guide your hands across the canvas. Don't you think his warm hand enveloping yours feel nice? Doesn't his free hand feels nice sensually rubbing your thigh? Don't you just feel protected in his hold?

Makeup? Same situation with your nail hobby. You're essentially being babied by him and experienced celebrity makeup artists, you would drown in a mountain of eyeshadow palettes, primers, setting sprays, skin care products, anything and everything related to makeup.

Every instrument ever? Big brother would insist lovingly providing all the music lessons you need. He is a musical prodigy after all. If it's something ridiculously obscure like a Glass Armonica or the Theremin, big brother would master it in a couple of weeks, earn a fucking pHD in it and THEN teach you. No instrument is too expensive or hard for him. Your big brother is crossing his fingers HARD for you to have this hobby.

Chess? Oh, he is also a prodigy in it. He could teach you. Your chess pieces would be custom made to your liking, by the way. It would be the perfect density, perfect size, perfect texture for you. He knows what you like and you hate that.

Sports? Take a look at his "achievement room". It's filled to the brim with golden medals and trophies of every sport competition ever. He's not leaving you alone for this one.

Pottery? Welcome to your very own personal pottery studio, furnished with all types of drying racks, ovens, kilns, turntables and equipments you have never heard of. Big brother is always there to supervise you, making sure there won't be any accidents.

Cooking and baking? You get to have an industrial sized kitchen all for yourself. Everything is decorated such that it looks like you would be on television, starring in a cooking show. You don't need to clean anything, or prep anything, or actually do anything, really. There's a team of professional chefs and assistants to do everything for you. They're paid to cheer and clap and celebrate when you pour cake batter into a pan.

Gardening? Well, there's a massive plot of fertile land for you to garden to your heart's content at the house he bought as your 18th birthday gift. If you want a big project, it will be done overnight. You wouldn't hear the gigantic machineries and vehicles tumbling about due to the soundproof walls he installed. No one would be able to hear you both either, doing god-knows-what inside.

Video games? Your big brother personally do not encourage you to pursue this. But... Nonetheless, he would spoil you rotten with all the latest gaming consoles, limited edition merchandises, pre release copies of your favorite game franchises and whatever your gamer heart desires. All at a hefty price of... Daily cuddles and kisses. And you also have to move in with him. And he gets to decide what game you're playing, if he deems it a "bad influence"? It is not staying in his house.

You rather not.

Nothing is fun because the fun parts are already done for you. You don't get to experience the highs and lows of picking up a hobby, you don't get to explore and experiment. You're literally cursed with luxury.

So imagine your boredom, stress and paranoia during summer break. All your friends are spies for your brother, your hobbies aren't even "yours", leaving your house would inevitably lead you to your brother and all digital footprints are heavily scrutinized by him too. No privacy, no autonomy, all monotony.

You juggled three smartphones at once. Throwing one up in the air, catching the other one with your dominant hand, throwing the last to your other hand. Who gives a damn if one, or all of them breaks? It's riddled with spyware and your big brother would buy you every time a new model is released anyways. Which is... A new phone, a month?

You stopped caring where he gets the money. Obviously he has an assload and can afford to wipe his ass with thousand dollar bills regularly.

It's summer break. One last resort to try and spend your time like a regular ol teenager is taking up a part time summer job. There is a wide variety of jobs to choose from with your qualification. Granted, it's minimum wage and mostly customer service.

If you work as a barista, the cafe or juice bar you'll be working at will LOVE the crap out of you.

Your older brother will visit daily and increase their sales tenfold. Of course, he would pick the drinks that you like doing. It's okay if you fucked up, its only your beloved big brother's order, you can add as much sugar, salt, pepper, cyanide as you want. He will never yell at you, never tell you that you made anything wrong or never even die.

The management will suddenly see a surge in daily customer count. Thanks to big brother's networking. And like him, they also will accept anything you make with no complaint... As per his instructions. You could go full on ridiculous and give them a cup of ice drizzled with strawberry scented dish soap and call it Tutti Frutti, they would still pay for it and take it with them. Though, you're not sure if they ever consumed anything from you.

Without fail, your brother would visit you during every break and hand you your meal along with a kiss on the forehead or the cheek. He would bring you out to eat but you would refuse everytime. You also didn't want his company, which made him pout and whine without fail. But it's nice that he would actually back off after the sixth "no".

However, you know that fucker is watching you from a hidden camera somewhere in the nooks and crannies of whatever breakroom you're resting in.

He would engulf you in a big hug when you get off work, telling you how proud he is of you for getting through another workday like a champ. Praising you for all the hard work and excellent performance, making sure to soothe and comfort you if you happen to come across a rude customer earlier in the day.

You try not to think too much about their fate.

You will be fed, bathed and loved after every shift.

Hell, he would even build up a company from scratch just to hire you. Any position you want, barista, manager, cashier, back office work, janitor- you name it, you get the "job" and get paid a pretty penny. All your other coworkers and customers are probably paid actors and actresses to simulate a "real life working experience" safely. He controls it all, making sure you have just the right amount of drama, the right amount of diplomacy and the right amount of gossiping. You're rarely pushed out of your comfort zone, though. Big brother always has your safety and best interests at heart.

Of course, he will never tell you all of this, to keep the immersion going. You're going to feel sad that you're not exactly experiencing reality. But a bastardization of it. Might as well star in a trashy reality TV show instead, at least, it's much more authentic than whatever your big brother has going on for you.

He doesn't need to even tell you though. You would pick it up easily and quickly especially if you already watched the Truman Show. Don't tell him you did, god help you if he ever gets an inkling that you knew about the existence of the Truman Show. He deemed that movie as demonic propaganda and he needs to lecture some sense into you. If you want out, just say that you're 'bored' and want to do something else. Your big brother will gladly drop everything and do anything in his power to help you "achieve" what you want.

But for the sake of "plot" in this latest installment, you agreed to work in a quaint little bubble tea stall. Where you're the only employee, making drinks for whoever is ordering in front of the shop's decorated window.

Of course, your big brother miraculously happens to work in a nearby skyscraper as one does. It's not that you didn't do your research, you were a hundred percent certain he didn't work in that building, because that fucker never goes to work... At least, physically. Perhaps he does his job, whatever that may be, through online means.

You were planning to use your bicycle to get there that you got yourself with "your" money. He never bought you a car or a bike or anything that would get you around, he saw it as something unnecessary. Why would you need it when big brother is available 24/7 to bring you anywhere?

Actually, you could have gotten yourself a car with the allowance he gives you every day for being cute and adorable, and being patient with his incessant kisses and hugs and cuddles and love and touches and his fucking insanity in general.

But you know that he's going to kick up a massive fuss about driving alone. It was hell to even get your license with him actively trying to sabotage you at every exam- which includes him stooping so low to bribe the examiner to fail you. However, you persevered, and you got that stupid license. All the while, he was lamenting about how you're going to leave him all alone, how you don't need big brother anymore, how society pressured you to grow up too fast and recklessly drive off wherever.

You knew better than to fall for that. Or even entertain it either. Eventually, he gave up trying to guilt trip you into crying, apologizing to him and sobbing in his arms, promising that you won't leave him.

It's not like he DIDN'T kick up a fuss when you said you're using a bicycle either. He began freaking out about your safety, fearing that you might get run over.

Well. You admitted defeat. He's driving you to fucking work and back. It's not worth it to fight this battle.

So you began working in the stall. You had someone train you for your first 2 weeks. Then you were on your own.

The owner, who is also the person who showed you the ropes around there, said business isn't good, but it isn't bad either. So you didn't need to worry about rush hour where hoards of thirsty, sleep deprived office workers trample over each other to get their daily boba fix. It's pretty peaceful working there.

But what you do need to worry about, is your fucking big brother.

He would come and buy a drink, whichever you like to make. It can be the most expensive one, or the cheapest one, the most elaborate one or the simplest one. It's up to you, he will pay for it and happily drink what you made.

You could make him pay for the most expensive drink there is but serve him a cup of lukewarm water, and he would still drink it with glee and fork over his money, telling you to keep the change (which is usually a hundred bucks extra).

Let's say you want to be decent and make him drink that you know he would actually like. Which is anything that tastes generally fruity. And insist that you like making it even though it actually sucks.

He knows. He can tell that you're specially making his favourite drink. And that makes him happy and more obsessed with you if that's even possible at this point.

He would leave a massive tip and a kiss on your forehead.

Although your brother is fucking gross and weird like that, you still love him. Probably a bad idea but you're working so hard, trying your best to earn money honestly just to get him a Christmas gift.

Despite the restraining order between your parents and him, your brother is still invited back home each year to be jolly together. Preparations start a few days before Christmas, where you would see an unusual sight.

All of your immediate family members in the same room, or at least in the same house together without fighting to the death. Your dad's bones are intact, your mom didn't have her insecurities jabbed on for once. They're not exactly on speaking terms, per se.

You woke up one morning to see an... appropriate sized tree for your parent's house, erected in the middle of the living room. Adorned with beautiful ornaments and... are those pictures of you on the ornaments?

Wrapped presents were patiently sitting under the tree. There was a small box with your father's name on its tag, another small one with your mother's name on it. A decent sized box was addressed to your brother, must be a combined present from your parents.

Your shoulders sagged in defeat when you saw your presents took up the perimeter of the tree and even conquered the couch, the back of the couch and under the coffee table. You lost count after gift box #27.

Since everyone is in the kitchen, you quickly place the presents you got for your parents... and your brother.

You panned to the fireplace. Your Christmas stocking is filled so much to the brim that your brother must have added 5 more next to your original one. Your parents' and your brother's stockings are relatively empty. You stuffed them with candies and nuts to make them look less embarrassing.

You straightened your back, that should do it. Your ears perked up when you heard some clamoring in the kitchen. It must be your brother.

You let out a surprised yelp when you're yanked back by a pair of arms that snuck around your waist. "Merry Christmas, my little wittle precious baby!" You squeezed your eyes shut and scrunched your face as he attacked you with a barrage of kisses.

He giggled and squealed as he held you in his arms and twirled you around in glee. You let out a scream of horror as your feet dangle off the ground. He does this every Christmas morning when you were a child to wake you up further and get you excited for the holiday. But you're not a kid anymore, and this is horrifying.

Finally, he stopped and put you down. Your hair is frazzled and the world around you is gyrating. He squeezed you in another hug and gently rocked you side to side.

He immediately unlatched when you said you're hungry. Your big brother gleefully lead you to the dining table, where he fixes up a napkin around your neck like a bib. You asked him why is he tying a ribbon on your hair, he said that you are his Christmas present and he is spoiling himself this year.

Before you could respond, he gave you a brief peck on the head before frolicking away into the kitchen.

Your parents came out of the kitchen, greeting you. They're holding a tray full of steaming hot breakfast foods, no doubt your brother forced them to make it for you. Every Christmas generated a metric ton of leftovers. It's because your brother wanted you to try all of the foods from all over the world. But don't worry though, the leftovers could be so intact that it was given out to neighbors and friends and extended families. Some didn't even need to cook after that, the sheer amount of leftovers was enough to fuel ten more Christmas gatherings.

Croissants, quiches, various types of bread, eggs, ham, bacon even panettone made from scratch. Looking at the spread in front of you is dizzying, your big brother sets down the last plate right between your hands. It's a breakfast plate your brother customized to fit your usual preference, everything is shaped into a heart. He patted your head as he took a seat next to you.

Everyone ate in silence. Everyone was focusing on their own meal except... your brother. Who else would rather stare at you adoringly instead?

He asked if you wanted to go make snowmen outside. Not without proper winter protection, that is. You shrugged, it's not like you could escape your family anyway. Your friends are all busy with their own families, and you don't even have friends. Everything is closed and if you lock yourself in your room, your brother will just pick the fucking lock and force his way in.

Your parents tried making small talk, this earned a feral glare from your brother because it interrupted the connection between the both of you. They paid him no mind and began asking about your life. You tiredly replied to their questions and asked some back yourself, to try to find any sense of normalcy. Your brother would be disengaged with the words coming out of your parents mouth, but highly interested in what you had to say.

The rest of the morning went by uneventfully. You offered to help clear the table and do the dishes. Your brother just 'aww'd at you and gave you an appreciative kiss on your forehead. That wasn't an explicit yes, he appreciated the gesture, but he wouldn't allow you to dirty your hands doing chores.

He told you to wait for him to clean up. In the mean time, he gave you permission to open some of the gifts he got you. Frankly, you don't even want to deal with it at all, it's just too much crap. You decided to go through the stockings instead and grab some snacks for yourself.

As expected, he filled it with the most expensive treats and the freshest oranges. These types of foods are usually served in a formal setting, like eating gold crusted caviar at a 10 star restaurant, all dressed up in fancy clothes. But he just... shoved it in a Christmas stocking as if they're mundane chocolates.

Whatever, you shoved some into your pockets.

You turned around to see your brother smiling lovingly at you. He wrapped a puffer jacket around you, his scarf with his cologne on it, a pair of thick mittens on your hands , a winter hat snuggly fitted to your head, and a pair of thick pants he made you wear in front of him.

He picked one of your numerous christmas presents and handed it to you. He clasped his hands together expectedly as he watches you.

Your brother urged you to open it, go wild. Rip the wrapping to shreds. You felt so bad seeing how well wrapped it is and the quality of the wrapping paper is... indescribably good. It doesn't even feel like paper, it feels like silk.

So your carefully dismantled it, trying not to tear anything. You look up to see that your brother is pointing his camera at you, capturing this very precious moment. He encouraged you to go on.

You managed to remove the packaging and revealed a box of expensive winter boots. These are high quality and you would have been the source of envy even though most of your "friends" are also from wealthy families. Not everyone gets to have these.

You appreciate it but... You already had a pair of winter boots, the ones from last year, and the year before that. And the year before that, and a week ago where your brother is freaking out about you potentially having frostbite on your toes.

"It's the latest model! It was released as a part of a Christmas special, it will keep you warm and protect your feet too. It was selling out fast, I'm so glad I managed to get a pair for you, I can't have my sweetiepie sad on Christmas day!" Gushed your brother. You slipped them on.

You can't tell the difference between the one you had last year and the one on your feet now. Maybe some minor difference in it's stylistic design but... they're equally as comfortable.

You thanked your brother and finally gave him what he actually wanted from all this: a hug. He put away his phone and returned the embrace, sinking so deep into your jacket that neither of you can move without stumbling. You know he expected you to show gratitude for all his gifts through his main love language; touch.

It is exhausting.

After that, he brought you out to his private plot of land which he made into a park, complete with swingsets, monkey bars and slides. But these aren't for the public, it's for you. All the equipment are well maintained and look brand new even though you know it's been there for years.

He's not fond of throwing snowballs because it could hurt you. But he allows you to throw as much as you want at him. Even after the stunt you pulled last year.

You packed snow around a rock and hurled at him with all your might, it went straight to his head and his right eye was busted for months. Your brother didn't see that as something wrong, though. Even if you tried to apologize, he said that it was an accident and it was alright, he still loves you dearly and you did 'nothing wrong'. The first thing he did after recovering from his injuries at the hospital is to take you out for hot chocolate and then give you a backrub back home because winter could make your muscles stiff; and hence you must feel strained and sore.

He was still mildly bleeding from his gauze at the time, it was covering at least 70% of his upper head. Your brother was clueless when you asked if he needs any painkiller for his recent injury. He claimed to not feel the pain, but his wincing tells you otherwise. He rewarded you for your concern nonetheless with hugs and kisses and another massage.

You laid yourself on the snowy ground and started making snow angels. Your brother had his camera out and began capturing every moment he has with you.

You felt uncomfortable. And the cold is nipping at your bones even though you're thoroughly insulated by the sophisticated winter gear your brother made you wear. You're ready to go home now.

It shocked your brother and made him a bit desperate. He stammered and stumbled over his words, asking you if you wanted to play on the swing, build a snow man, play on the slides, the merry go around and... throw snowballs at him. Are you cold? He was in the middle of removing his own jacket to layer it onto you, but you stopped him.

You said you're tired. You don't find this fun and you're too old for this.

Maybe you're thirsty? He packed a flask filed with steaming hot chocolate for you- no? You're not thirsty or hungry? Maybe you wanted to use the bathroom-- no? You don't have to go?

He tried listing out all the possible reasons you wanted to go home and all its' solutions. Desperately wanting you to stop growing up so fast.

You got sick and tired of this, you yelled at him at the top of your lungs that you wanted to go home. You then stormed away towards the car, leaving your brother to stand there in silence, his camera capturing your explosive outburst.

Your brother saw you slamming the door angrily as you got in.

He sighed, gulping and hovering his finger over the delete button. But he ultimately decided against erasing the footage, it's still a video of you after all. Your brother assured that he's coming to the car, he wipes a stray tear away as he heads to his vehicle.

The both of you stayed silent as he drove you home.

Once you arrived, you bolted out of the car and ran back in. Locking yourself in the bedroom and barricading the door with random furniture. Hugging your knees close to your chest as you pray that your brother does not go after you by climbing into your windows.

And... he didn't. He left you alone for once. For a few hours too. It gave you the much needed relief, you felt like you could breathe now.

You're starting to feel a bit hungry. And you're hungry enough to be willing to face your older brother. So you began unbarricading, placing your dressers to it's original place.

You carefully unlocked the door, fully expecting him to be waiting outside for you. To your surprise, no one was in the hallway. You could hear some noises downstairs, in the kitchen.

You cautiously went down, the tree is still intact. Nothing is broken and there doesn't seem to be signs of a fight. You released a breath that you didn't know that you were holding, happy to know that you don't need to spend another Christmas at the hospital visiting your badly battered parents.

You whipped your head to the sound of your brother calling your name softly. He's holding a baking tray and a bowl, you can't tell what is in there because he's too tall. He smiled at you as he set it down on the dining table. The tray contained freshly baked parts of a gingerbread house and the bowl contained vanilla frosting.

You scanned the rest of the table. There are numerous small glass bowls containing different types of candy and snacks; from pretzel sticks to colourful chocolate rocks, to real gold leaves. Piping bags with metal tips are present too next to a box of plastic gloves.

Your brother pulled your chair out and invited you to sit there. You did, and he called you a good girl. His good girl. As you put on a pair of plastic gloves, he kissed you on the temple.

You asked where your parents are. He said that they're preparing the food for dinner, which includes ham and a roast turkey. And 15 other dishes.

You quizzed on, asking if there will be more people coming in. He shook his head: no. It's only the four of you. In the meantime, you should enjoy yourself building this gingerbread house. He puts on his own pair of plastic gloves too and began filling the piping bag with icing.

The two of you worked in peace, you opting to decorate the house while he pipes the details on the gingerbread men.

There is only two, a large one and a smaller one. You can guess which represents who.

You noticed the odd choice of attaching the small one to the large one's torso. With strategic use of the candies and frosting, he made it look like the larger gingerbread man is carrying the smaller one on its hip. He piped your defining features onto the baby gingerbread, and piped his features on the larger one.

He noticed you staring, your brother asked if you had a hard time connecting the pieces with frosting and if you needed his help. You said no, you just need a spatula from the kitchen. He tried to get up from his seat, but you pushed him back down, saying that you can get it yourself. He pouted, telling you to be careful and not touch the knives or stoves. Your brother went back to obsessing over the details on his gingerbread men.

You went inside the kitchen and greeted your parents who are busy cooking. You go through the drawers to find a silicone spatula and decided to help pick up some stray food scraps on the floor, throwing them into the bin. But as soon as you step on the pedal and have the lid swing open, you saw two crushed, but perfectly edible, gingerbread men in the garbage bin.

You returned to the dining table to see that your big brother is proudly presenting his work. He said this represents you and him... as if you already haven't figured it out. He said he dreams of having you live with him in a perfect fantasy house, fantasy world where you never have to grow up. And he will always be there by your side, taking care of you till the end of time. You will be pampered and spoiled rotten, you don't have to do anything, you don't have to lift a finger. Your big brother will do everything for you. He would even breathe for you if he could.

You nodded in acknowledgement, too tired to engage with him. You sat back down, continued with the gingerbread house. You failed to notice the flicker of sadness in his eyes, your brother felt so neglected and unwanted these few years. He wished that you were a kid again so the both of you could play together and be happy. The more he tries to win your favour, the more distant you get from him. He is endlessly chasing and you are running non-stop.

The rest of the afternoon went by uneventfully, other than the fact that your big brother rests his head on your shoulder the whole time.

Now, it's time for dinner. You tried helping them bring out the dishes, your brother praised you for being a darling as usual. He lets you have the first bite of the turkey, tearing a small inconspicuous piece of flesh from the bird and hand feeding it to you. It's still warm, juicy and delicious. Maybe it's the feeling of being special that makes it even tastier.

You chew as you brought out the casserole, setting it down on the table.

You looked at the spread. It looks like a buffet at a high end hotel. So many varieties and extremely nutritious.

Your brother fixed your napkin bib for you again and took food for you. Slumping in your seat, you were thinking of protesting but you knew it's easier to just wait for him to carve the best parts of the turkey for you and let the food pile up neatly on your plate first. He returned it to you, all your favourite dishes are on it within sensible portions. But these are still a lot of food for a person.

He didn't care about praying. Your brother wanted you to eat as soon as possible because you must be hungry. And it is absolute sacrilege to let you go hungry.

You insisted that you join your parents in saying grace and you're not that hungry. Your brother looks uncomfortable, still believing in his sick mind that you're starving to the point of emaciation. But since you are adamant in doing such 'pointless' things In his mind, he agrees, only if he leads it.

Everyone bowed their head down and held each others' hands.

Your brother said the shortest, most insincere, laziest grace ever. Once he fulfilled your requirement, he urged you to eat.

You're upset, you felt really angry and you thought he was mocking you instead. So you opted to eat alone in your room, you made it clear that you didn't want anyone in. Especially not your big brother.

He cried out a desperate plea to get you to stay with him. You ignored him and took a couple more of your favourite finger foods. Predicting a fight between your brother and your parents.

You wrenched your arm away from his powerful grip and fled the scene, hurrying up the flight of stairs. Only slowing down when you're out of sight.

As you thought, sounds of verbal fighting started resonating throughout the house. You heard your brother screaming his head off at your parents for being bad influences and poisoning you to hate him. Your parents defended themselves and this only fuelled the fire. You didn't want to be around when your brother started hurling chairs, so you slammed the door as hard as you could. The sudden loud noise did stop the commotion downstairs briefly. But it continued soon after.

You ate alone, in your barricaded room. Wishing that you're born into a 'normal' family, with 'normal' trauma. To a lot of people, you are complaining about a blessing. But you are always feeling alone, the only person facing a problem which everyone sees as a solution.

You scraped the last bits of food with your spoon. Waiting for the sounds of the ambulance or at least for the fighting to quiet down.

You looked at the clock. It's 1 AM. It's been relatively quiet for a while now, they should be finishing up their fight or cleaning up. Time for you to return your plate.

You grunted as you pushed the furniture away from your door which felt like the umpteenth time. You left your room and head downstairs.

Hearing soft sobs from one person, your brother. He's sitting in front of the tree, hugging the present you left for him earlier. The presents addressed to your parents are both missing, presumably being taken back to their room. A blanket is loosely draped around his shoulders.

You took slow steps, unsure if you should comfort him or not. But before you can even decide to chicken out, he spotted you. However, to your surprise, he didn't approach you or tell you to come forward. He gave you a soft assuring smile, before returning his attention to the tree.

You set your plate aside and went by his side. Your brother watched you with puffy eyes full of love, yet it tells you that he has been irreparably hurt by something... or an accumulation of things.

"Thank you..." He whispered, refering to the gift you gave him. It isn't something particularly valuable to you. It's a picture of the entire family in a photo frame. Your brother is going to cherish it, because it is a gift from the person he loves most in the world. But deep down, he secretly wishes that it was a photo of you and him alone.

He still looks extremely upset and distraught. Almost like he is at the brink of a breakdown. Your brother usually verbalizes what he wanted, but he couldn't this time.

You wonder what your parents got for him. You peeked over his shoulder to see that an unopened box containing a plain T-shirt and a pair of socks is carelessly discarded to the corner of the room.

Then, it clicked. Just like you, he felt alone. Maybe you will never understand why he holds you so dear in his heart. Just like how no one will understand him either, his struggles are unique to him with no one to relate.

He destroyed the relationship between himself and your parents. His friends are all superficial. You're grown up and constantly rejecting his love.

Not a single one of you paid attention to him. Yes, it is hard to think of a present for someone who has everything. But they could have put in a bit more effort, the colour of the shirt and socks aren't even in his favourite colour or in the correct size. You could have removed your parents from the photo, your brother will never remove it himself. Because that would mean defacing your gift for him.

And growing up, your parents never saw him as... a person. As someone with feelings and a personality. They only saw his value as a trophy piece to show off to their friends and family. Same goes to his friends now, if it wasn't for his skills and possessions, he would be nothing to anyone.

He had to beg to be loved. Even that isn't reliable, he could give it his all and everyone around him will expect more. Your brother could never dream of being the receiving end of his own affection. It seems like an impossibility to him.

Perhaps he is doing all of these despite getting nothing but disgust and disdain from you is all to protect your innocence, to not put you through what he had to face. It's just that he went about it the wrong way. Or maybe he is just... wrong in the head. Or maybe he was hoping by loving you so much, you would give him the intense type of love he was yearning for his entire life.

Either way, he is alone.

The both of you are now seated in front of the fireplace. You didn't want to open presents, your brother is okay with that. He did not nag you to do it for once. Snuggling closer, the both of you shared a blanket. He still looks unhappy and crestfallen.

You remember you still had the ribbon bow on your head.

He hovered his arms around you as you squirm in his grip. You managed to crawl into his lap and rest your head on his chest. He lets out a chuckle and some sniffles, clamping his arms back down around you.

You reminded him of one last gift. Your brother is confused until he saw your ribbon.

From that moment on, he burst into tears of joy. He found you so unbearably adorable, so unbearably cute that his heart couldn't take it. An excited squeak escaped his lips as he held you even tighter. Peppering kisses all over your face, neck and head.

He started blabbering in baby talk, calling you every pet name and listing out everything he loved about his 'gift'. Repeating that this is the best gift he ever received and this is all he ever wanted. You are all he ever wanted. Praising that you remembered what he loves.

You hope that he could feel a little less lonely tonight. You can't peer into his head and know exactly what is going on inside. But you knew, he was happy.

Your breathing calmed him down and he closed his eyes, nuzzling against your neck. The collar of your shirt wet from his tears and your arms are secure around him. Your brother mumbled "I love you." as he adjusted you on his lap. Pressing your form against his, enjoying the heat that the both of you shared. Wishing that this moment will never end and you will never part from him.

You realized another thing too as he strokes your hair.

Your older brother is the only person in the world who harbors true, undying, unconditional love for you.

Even though he has his flaws, there will be no one else like him. Ever.

So you closed your eyes and melt into him. Just like before, you felt safe.

The both of you fell alseep in front of the hearth, surrounded by gifts, mostly unopened ones. Snowflakes floating down from the skies and landing delicately at the edge of the roof. Feeling unburdened and content in the living room.

Merry Christmas.

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere oc #yandere male #tw infantilization #yandere oc x reader #yandere x you #tw yandere #yandere concept #male yandere oc x reader #yandere brother #tw incest

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wyllsravengard · 2 months

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mutuals i know you don't know arthur morgan and a lot of you never will but i really need you to know how Moving and Compelling the cowboy game is like im being deranged of course and i do hyperfixate so often but arthur morgan is such a well written character he has such an amazing arc and genuinely it makes me sick thinking about him for more than a single minute. his entire story is based in this inevitable doom and its obvious from the beginning of the game that things are starting to go wrong. you learn about arthur slowly, and at the start - he's exactly the kind of man and protagonist you expect. he's cold and he's uncaring at least seemingly and he's awkward and he's badass and what every man who plays a game like this would want. but then he isn't. you start to play the game and you look at arthurs journal and you get to see him introspect and you get to view the sort of tenderness he sees the entire world with. he is so tender he is so thoughtful he is so considerate of nature and he takes so many things to heart. he has something to say and introspect of everyone he meets. he cares deeply about this world he's in and struggles so much to find a place with in. he admonishes himself and praises characters like charles who seem to be so good naturally. he believes deeply in his own evil and acts on, and he has a code sure - but he never feels good about what he does and it causes him such deep strife. he clings onto the life he has because its all he knows. being an outlaw is all he has ever known of himself, been like that since he was fourteen. just a boy and the two men who adopted him into his gang. he clings so desperately onto this belief that even when things fall apart, all arthur can hope for is that he can save those he cares about. its what he has always wanted deep down. its who he is which is someone who is sensitive and careful and wants deeply to live in a good world and be apart of a good world. the gang falls apart and everything goes to shit and where does that leave arthur? when young men and good men die? the man he admires as his father dies and whats left of them becomes the worst version of himself and so arthur, after all of this time, becomes his own man. at some point, he realizes what matters most to him is his brother and the woman he has a child with. and he realizes that he is simply afraid but what of exactly? of believing that he was good all along. of accepting that he has changed and that he was always good. its all so very complicated and shit starts to go down hill so quickly and just when you think it can't get worse - arthur goes to the doctor. hes sick. its tuberculosis. ailment that he received when he beat a man who couldn't pay his debts and committed a sin so great. arthur is going to die. he's sick. its not a bullet that will kill him but the weakness in his body. the same thing will happen to him in some crazy tragedy. arthur will give his life up for john and he won't regret it. he'll tell the shell of his father figure that he gave up everything for him. he will die alone in the mountains and see a stag bathed in yellow gold. but he will believe in goodness at the end because of a nun in saint denis and the woman mothering his little brothers child. he will believe deeply in the kindness of the world because he chooses to. arthur will die because he is doomed to die. there's nothing he can do except go, and he will never live to know what an impact he had on those around him. every life he's ever touched so profoundly effected by him and he never gets to find out. the man he used to admire so much, charles, buries arthur somewhere where the sun always rises. even in death he haunts the world of the game like a ghost. arthur morgan is dead and you'll hear him every where you go. john inherits his dead brothers journal and his guns and everything else and he learns a side to him he never knew. arthur morgan is dead and the world rippled in his absence like a drop of water pulsing through a lake. and he loved. most of all he loved the people around him. he loved.

#z.gen #arthur morgan #rdr2 spoilers #I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF

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vcnillazelda · 1 year

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maybe it’s my fault

jasper hale x reader

summary: after a misunderstanding, you leave your current relationship in a messy place

tags: getting back together kinda, musician! reader, school dances, slow dancing <3, human! reader, jasper is kinda stupid but we love him anyway, good friend alice <3, based on <maybe> it’s my fault by willow <33, angst with a happy ending

✞———————❖———————✞

jasper was so excited. he was going to hang ot with you today. the two of you had agreed to have a little getaway during the weekend in a secret spot the two of you found. you two had just become established so this was the closest thing to a date the two of you have had. he had your favourite foods and everything. the blonde truly wanted to spoil you.

“i know. he’s so adorable.” he overhears; and jasper freezes. “so you really like him, right? you should totally ditch your plans and go hang out with him.” edward responds. that was weird… you normally barely spoke to edward. was he referring to your date with jasper? his dead heart sinks as he listens closer. “mmm, i dunno.” you sound rather joking. he can hear your heartbeat, it’s pumping fast. “c’mon. it’ll be fun. you two can get to know each other more.” edward advices. “he doesn’t like me like that yet, now shut up. jasper will be here soon.” he furrows his brows, dropping his backpack with a light thud. what were you two talking about? were you cheating on him? jasper can feel the pure adoration in your emotions talking about this mystery person and he wants to scream. taking off, he heads in the opposite direction. so much for that date.

you were so worried. after edward had left, jasper hadn’t turned up at all. you were anxious he might of gotten hurt or had stood you up, you knew he was a little odd but you didn’t think he’d do that. you had blew up his phone, terrified of the worst.

jas??

jaaasssss??

where are you? :(

are you late?

come on silly i miss uuuu

those were left on read; the rest were on delivered.

jas im seriously worried.

are you okay?

did i do something wrong?

im sorry :(

please let me know you’re okay.

i’m so sorry please just let me know if you’re okay

now you were sat up late at 3 am terrified of the worst. had you upset him? did he not love you? was this all a sick joke? was he put up to it? your mind was racing and your heart was hammering. you sob to yourself, slamming your phone down onto your mattress, it bounces and clatters to the floor but you don’t care. curling into a ball, you cry to yourself, clutching your body to attempt to soothe yourself, yet nothing could compare to how jasper held you. sitting up, you snatch your notebook, maybe some songwriting would help you vent.

jasper was now sat in alice’s room. she was looking unimpressed. “you seriously think she’s cheating?” she asks, deadpan. “yes! i overheard her and edward and she was talking about someone else.” alice runs a hand over her face. “alice i’m serious!” jasper whines, his heart was aching. “have you spoken to her?” alice asks, looking at him. “no..?” he mutters. alice gives an exasperated expression. “seriously, jasper? you ghosted her? she’s probably worried sick.” his friend scolds, and jasper sighed. “should i go see her..?”

“yes, dummy! go talk to her. if she is cheating, which i doubt, then you can talk about it; find the truth.” alice gestures to her door and jasper sighs. “alright. you’re right. i’ll talk to her.” he mumbles, getting up. “good. don’t come back until you’re back together. i don’t want my favourite couple breaking up.” alice teases, pinching his arm with her sharp nails. “okay, okay.” jasper smiles a little, leaving his friend’s room.

jasper slips into your home through an unlocked window. he was hoping you were still here and not somewhere being sad. as soon as he walks upstairs, he can feel your presence. it was sad, overwhelmingly sad. carefully, jasper peers into your room. you’re fast asleep, back turned to him, yet your emotions were devastated. stepping into the room and closing your door, jasper rounds your bed, examining you for any signs of distress. you had dried tears upon your face, and jasper sighs. “oh, sweetheart…” he mutters, cold thumb making your face scrunch up as he wipes them away. he glances down, your song book had fallen from your hand, a mess upon the floor.

curiously, jasper scoops it up carefully.

maybe it’s my fault?

scrap song (probably)

rough idea:

met him at a party, i said he seems nice / every time i think about it i get butterflies / and i done told you we agree that he’s alright / never thought i’d be tripping / over the lost time / i said it was fine, laying down six feet under it’s sublime / should of saw the signs / now we’re in a fight

chorus??:

it’s all on my mind, all on my mind / i try to rewind / and all the while / i’m hurting inside / it’s your fault / maybe it’s my fault?

jasper runs his fingers over the ink, smudging it a little. examining the bottom of the page, he spots a smaller piece of writing.

said i can handle this / that was your one request / said i would be there / be there in your distress / instead you just feel dispensed / i don’t know / if i’m worth forgiving.

jasper sighs, closing the book and looking from it to you. you looked so idyllic, so peaceful. carefully, he places the book upon your bedside table, moving around the bed to lay down with you. his arm curls around your waist and you shuffle a little, exhaling calmly. jasper sighs, resting his forehead to the back of your neck. “you okay?” you mutter softly, and jasper hums. “yeah… are you?” he responds. “i’m alright.” that was a lie, he could feel your sadness. “wanna talk about it?” you ask him, and jasper sighs. “yeah… i uh- i overheard you and edward.” you let out a soft ‘oh’. jasper feels ill. “are you… are you cheating on me?” he adds on, voice tiny. “no..! no, of course not. why would you think that?” you ask, and jasper exhales shakily. “i just- i heard edward telling you to ditch your plans and go with some other guy and you sounded so happy-“ he mutters, choking up. rolling over, you hug him back. jasper clings to you, burying his face into your neck.

“jasper, we were talking about you.” you explain, and he feels incredibly stupid. “what..?” he pulls away. your hand gently cups his cheek. “he was telling me to cancel my plans next week so i could do something for you. it was meant to be a surprise but uh… it seems it’s been spoiled.” you smile sheepishly. jasper exhales with relief, all his negative emotions venting from his body. you smile at him a little and your boyfriend immediately snatches your lips in a kiss. your hand slips into his hair, cradling him close. “i would never cheat on you.” you mutter against his lips. “i know- i know, i’m sorry.” jasper responds, kissing you again.

“i really wanted to surprise you next week. i’ll have to get you some other time.” you joke as the two of you finally pull away. “sorry, sweetheart.” jasper smiles, brushing his nose against yours. “it’s okay. i was planning to take you out to the park late at night like some weird picnic type thing. there was gonna be cheesy music and edward was planning on setting it up.” you explain, jasper laughs softly. “thank you for the thought sweetheart. we can still do it considering our actual date has been… ruined.” you smile sadly, kissing his nose gently. “i dunno, jas. the nights still young.” you suggest, sitting up. jasper follows you. “what are you suggesting?” he asks, smiling at you. “come on.” you stand, tugging his cold hand. jasper huffs out a soft laugh.

you pull him flush to your chest, arms wrapping around him. jasper immediately hugs you back, squeezing slightly. “what are we doing?” he asks, voice quiet. “dancing, silly.” you respond, kissing his shoulder. “i see.” jasper chuckles, leaning his head against yours, swaying with you slowly. “this is much more romantic, if i may say so.” you giggle, squeezing him. “we’re like the modern romeo and juliet.” he muses, and you laugh. “totally, except we won’t die at the end.” jasper smiles. “no?” he humours you, and you hum. “no. we’ll have what they couldn’t have.” his heart almost beats again. “and what would that be?” he mutters, kissing your head softly. “a happy life, together. no more stupid situations where one thinks the other is cheating.” you pinch his side playfully. jasper laughs a little. “i’m sorry.”

the two of you stand in silence, relishing the moment with each other. “i love you.” jasper mumbles, you smile. he can feel pure love and adoration radiating off of you. “i love you too.” you respond, yet he already knows that. “i didn’t mean to pry, but i read your song.” he admits and you gasp, gently slapping his back. “peeper.” you smile into his neck. jasper laughs. “it’s beautiful, but i want to assure you that nothing was your fault. i jumped to conclusions. i shouldn’t of ignored you.” jasper closes his eyes, palm slipping into yours. “thank you..” you mumble, and jasper smiles, kissing your head once more. “your feelings were valid too. i would of reacted the same way.” you add on, and jasper exhales through his nose. “i never thought i’d hate anything more than falling out with you.” jasper huffs out a laugh. “i know.” you giggle, squeezing his hand. “i love you.”

#jasper hale #jasper hale x reader #jasper whitlock #jasper whitlock x reader #twilight jasper #jasper cullen #jasper cullen x reader #// 🍨 vcnillazelda #// 🍨 twilight

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justash02 · 1 year

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“Y/n...”

A/n: bro I started crying so badly, sorry for this.

Pairing; Al-haitham x Fem!Reader.

Plot; everyone thinks the traveler is always strong, boy are they wrong.

Warning⚠️; pure sadness, fluff at the end!

*^*^*

Alhaitham was sitting at his desk as his eyes followed her, does she even know what she does to him? Al-haitham hasn’t known her for a long time but they’ve worked on a mission together because she is the traveler after all. Something about her seemed… right.

Haitham has never felt this way before, the way his cheeks slightly burn as she smiles at him or when he doesn’t get annoyed or upset with her when she asks him something.

Is this what everyone is always talking about? Is this what love is? He started to question himself. Everything about her just seemed, good, perfect even.

“Hey there.” She spoke as she walked into his office, “Is everything okay? You seem somewhere else with your mind.” She asked genuinely, her footsteps echoed a bit through the room as she took a seat in front of him.

She placed her soft looking hands onto her lap and continued to look at the man. He quickly snapped out of his gaze and looked up at her, her beautiful eyes already staring in his. “Yes, I’m fine.” He mumbled before gazing back at his work in front of him.

She seemed to struggle it off and just let him work for a bit, she grabbed one of the books that were on his desk and flipped through it.

Alhaitham looked up at the book, “The fall of Khaenri'ah” Alhaitham knew she wasn’t from this world, She told him briefly about her brother when she was with him on the mission but didn’t tell much. Paimon on the other hand? She unloaded info Al-haitham couldn’t be more interested in her story then he already was.

“You’re studying it because of my brother, no?” Her voice rang through his ears. He suddenly felt a pinch of embarrassment, “You don’t have to lie, I know Paimon told you most of the story.” She said closing the book, she avoided his eyes as she felt tears building up in her eyes.

Her chest felt like it was getting tight, “Do you ever feel so lonely, but have a lot of people around you?” She asked fighting back the tears, she knew that if she looked in his eyes she would break down.

Alhaitham was stunned, he has only seen her at her best, never sad, never discouraged. But this? This he has never seen before. Not from her. Everyone thinks “The almighty traveler” can resist any obstacle.

Al-haitham felt as if it were better to not answer that question, because in fact, he doesn’t care about anyone opinion.

Except for hers, she’s all he thinks about. After Paimon told him about her brother being the abyss prince he couldn’t help but wanting to learn more about their story.

“Who am I even kidding, I’m so fucking sick and tired of everyone using me for their own fucking problems, I do fucking everything for them! What do they do? They fuck me over. You know what they did to help me find my brother? put small flyers around the city thinking that’s going to help. Well, reality check, im this close to just giving up,” at this point she was balling her eyes out, she gestured with her fingers how close she was to just leaving it all behind and it shot worry through alhaitham.

Haitham quickly shoved his chair back and walked over to her, quickly dropping to his knees as he takes her hands into his.

His hands were enveloping hers making her feel warm inside but she didn’t notice it. The sorrow she was feeling was overpowering everything that went well.

“I’ve met the archons.” She sobbed, “they all promised me that they would help me, they all screwed me over, Haitham.” She whimpered. “Nahida’s the only one who would help me.” He didn’t know what to say. He felt his chest tighten really badly as he stared at the clearly done girl.

“Y/n…” he whispered, she started crying really badly as he just wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her into his chest, he decided that saying nothing was probably better and softly ran his hand over his back sending goosebumps over her body.

She continued to sob for a while longer but alhaitham didn’t care, nothing was more important than she was. Work? What’s that? Time? Never heard of that one before. Y/n? The one.

After a while she seemed to have calmed down in his arms, the sobs had stopped and his whole shirt was wet but he didn’t care. The girl in his arms were more important. He carefully gazed down at the girl and saw she was asleep, he couldn’t help but smile a little as he carefully stood up.

He picked her up bride style and walked over to the couch, he gently laid her down and put a soft blanket over her. After a few seconds of observing her features he gently placed a hand on to her cheek and glazed over it.

She snuggled into his hand, alhaitham couldn’t help but move closer to the girl and gently pressed his lips to her forehead for a gently peck.

“I don’t care what’s to come, I’ll always be by your side, Y/n. Never will you feel alone again. I’ll always protect you. I love you.” He whispered but he knew she couldn’t hear him.

Or could she?

#cute imagines #x reader #al haitam x reader #alhaitham x reader #alhaitham #imagines #fanfic #genshin fluff #genshin al haitham #genshin haitham #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin fanfic #genshin x you

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fatuismooches · 8 months

Note

hii, its 💌 anon coming reallll late but happy anniversary :)) i was gone for so long bc i had school and so much other things but i am back‼️ with pantalone thoughts….and dottore thoughts ofc teehee.

akademiya zandik writing reader letters but then he was like “okay no, im not that whipped (he is) i’m gonna toss it somewhere else” but he ends up keeping it in a box. fragile reader on the other hand used to always write him letters :(( and ofcourse he kept them all. they were always well decorated and had the most beautiful wiring but after reader got sick, he didnt get them anymore. the younger clones would probably make little get well soon cards while the older ones write letters and all :(. (also fits reader literally writing him a letter in the case,, yk,, they die)

meanwhile, in pantaloneland, reader and him watched barbie together!!! he wore pink and the entire shebang, probably even rented….bought an entire theater for the private viewing for the both of you. (its actually js a theater version of the barbie movie. no movies back then so…play! arlie would love it too). BUT!! he js hates ken in the middle of it. “i would never ever get rid of your barbie dream house, darling :(“ because honestly? it makes him sad. how can someone just strip things that their lover likes away just to be better? it reminded him a bit of his own bitter childhood, and because of that, he buys you even more things after <3

“pantalone, i dont need that many outfits-“

“just indulge me darling :) you’ve been with me since i was young, its only fair i return the favor”

- 💌

HI 💌 ANON! Welcome back ❤️ I hope you've been doing good and taking care of yourself!! AND AGHHH THANKS FOR YOU FOR THOUGHTS 😭🤲

ZANDIK WRITING LETTERS 😔💖 He thinks that instead of verbalizing his feelings, he can water them down and make them all professional like he does in his notes/research reports... WRONG. Within the first sentence, he looks at it and stops because wtf there's no way he's gonna continue writing this sappy shit (it wasn't even sappy he was showing that he cared about you a bit more than the average person) But you on the other hand? You don't care if you sound too emotional or sappy or in love or not. You just write what you wanna write. Zandik will scoff and make fun of you but you know he keeps all of them. Where? You don't know, but you just know.

But it's only after it's too late that he realizes how much he likes the little letters he used to receive from you. (UR EVIL FOR THAT LAST PART.) Stop now I'm thinking about bb Zandy giving you a card... he drew you two with crayons 💖

NOT PANTALONE AND YOU WATCHING BARBIE... I haven't seen it yet but I'm beyond excited to go and watch it whenever I'm able to!! Psh, he doesn't even need to buy a theater because you know he been had one for years!! But OUCH not the angst at the end ;( Ugh he literally loves and respects you so much, he can't fathom the thought of ever hurting you on purpose.

In your closet, there are two types of outfits. The ones you wear regularly, and the ones you wore only once because Pantalone makes you try on everything he buys you. Oftentimes you have to enlist your husband for help choosing outfits and accessories because you probably get overwhelmed by your closet being the size of a big bedroom 😭

#smooches talks #💌 anon #fragile reader <3 #i rlly need to write a fic with fragile reader being healed #pantaloneland <3 #ive been wanting to watch barbie all summer 😭 i hope i can go see it soon #everytime i see pantalone spoil his partner it makes me an unhealthy amount of happy #like sir u should not spend that much on me but I'm flattered at the same time #man if someone ever disrespected u #pantalone would be more pissed thAN YOU #need me a man like that fr

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wiltking · 4 months

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finished Amnesty. can i get a welfare check. on my self

straight up going to get into spoilers because there is no other way to talk about this. it took me a while to get to Amristice after finishing Amberlough because id heard things get different after the first book. and yeah, it was a different setting, but the characters were still there. the stakes were still high. there was still glam and violence and pain and espionage. and Aristide. still kicking. somewhere under a layer of thick sadness and alcoholism.

Amnesty, however, was a shock? im still in shock. first of all, how slow and dull it had all become. the monotony of lillian's life as an imperfect wife and mother. i hadnt expected any kind of followup to her story after Armistice was frankly unsure of this... slow, beige crawl for the entire first half of the story. it was hard to care about her campaigning and meetings and the future of a city just beginning to thaw. after all the fighting has ended. after aristide and cyril's renunion happened in chapter fucking three. while their painful, stifled gravtitational orbit was tearing me to shreds with every scrap of interaction. the way i had to linger, and reread every single word they said to each other. it was hard to be peeled away from that just to be subjected to another scene about lillian and jinadh's cold marriage.

but ari? and cyril? older and colder and sicker and and sadder and alive? despite everything? it made me sick. it made me feel so sick in the head. it made me want to scream and never stop. i dont know what i was expecting, how i envisioned them to possibly fit into each others lives again but it wasnt that, and YET what else could it have been? what else, but this? and from the halfway point to the end i was a goner. screaming in my head with mounting intensity. staring off into the distance. hoping. hoping. watching in horror as i got closer and closer to the end and everything kept going wrong and when they finally, finally................... it was better, than i could have imagined. it was everything and more. and now im sniffling face down in the bed because literally the only thing they have left is each other and it took everything, everything, just to get that. and a red sand beach

#THE old man yaoi. of all time #🌅🧎‍♂️#im ok. im soooooooooooo okay.#amnesty #amberlough #book thoughts #like i dont even know what else to say. that felt surreal and raw and so. so fucking painful #and now its over and they.......... they............ *loud sniffling*#when aristide put the rouge back on that was like rock lee taking off his weights

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aliaology · 6 months

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ALIA’S PROMPT LIST!

prompts ill do if you request them! i will either do it based on quotes, summaries i write and songs! just know if you request something else, i will still do it for you! these are just ideas

REGULAR / QUOTE PROMPTS:

LIST ONE

“i refuse to get sick because of you” , “oh come on baby, please”

“so, ms cafe girl, can i add your number to this order?” , “no, because im not an item.”

“i hate how you make me feel.” , “oh sweet thing, you know thats a lie.” , “you’re right.”

“oh come on, give me some sugar!” , “go fuck yourself.”

“you’re so full of yourself!” , “you could be full with me right now too, baby”

“i wish i never met you. god i wish you didnt even exist!”

“you can talk to me, yknow?” , “can i? because after i tell you something, somehow somewhere, someone manages to find out.”

“im sorry.” , “no, you’re sorry because you got confronted.”

“i didnt know pretty girls like you drank hard liquor.” , “and im surprised pretty boy hockey players like you, can even keep one down.”

“delete that!” , “why? its my new lockscreen!”

MORE TO BE ADDED

REGULAR / SUMMARY PROMPTS:

LIST TWO

NONE HERE YET! coming soon promise 🤍

SONG FIC PROMPTS (aka songs ill do a fic based on) :

LIST THREE

paper rings , taylor swift

lover , taylor swift

i know everything , zach bryan ft. kacey musgraves

flower shops , ernest ft. morgan wallen

the grudge , olivia rodrigo

die from a broken heart , maddie & tae

something in the orange , zach bryan

cover me up , morgan wallen

i know the end , phoebe bridgers

waiting room , phoebe bridgers

timeless , taylor swift

tennessee numbers , morgan wallen

stick season , noah kahan

i know you , faye webster

look after you , the fray

die for you , the weeknd

meddle about , chase atlantic

kiss it off me , cas

hotel , montell fish

she likes another boy , oscar lang

falling in love , cas

invisible string , taylor swift

astronomy , conan gray

MORE TO BE ADDED.

#masterlist #writing prompt #prompt list #jack hughes #quinn hughes

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lowlyroach · 3 months

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1144) where they bury the stars

think of the future

filled with dread

don't think i want to hit twenty seven

if i miss your next birthday, im sorry

my soft skin was made

for blood to seep unrestrained

through every pore like a

chia pet or a doll with playdough hair

can i level with mom and dad

i think ill die before you will

if i went to dinner with you both

i would have to lie so much its frightening

i dont want to tell you the truth

if i just had got that gun

id have done it a hundredfold

dont think im made long for this world

doing nothing but doing nothing

get sick of doing nothing so go to sleep

hoping itll reset and click back into place

wondering how to make the pieces fit

this brain that's all smushed together like

a clay sculpture got it wrong and started

mashing everything never to throw it

in the kiln

is there anything else to look forward to?

can one really drink so much poison

they become physically dependent on drinking poison?

what is wrong with these stupid apes

who invented rocks on sticks and then

metal on sticks

and then metal on metal and

government

i think i feel my stomach lining screaming

stare at the price, which one is best

just make a decision, then make a mess

someone else will clean it up

you really dont want to have a chance

is there anything to look forward to?

that child at Makotos staring at the fire

amazed when they cooked in front of him

eating his chicken tenders like an idiot

the kind lady who wished me a good night

i cried reading my book at the table

the only one there alone

the guy behind me kept looking in my direction

headphones wrapped around my neck

book held in front of me

someone in the book died, spoiler alert

im going to die too, spoiler alert

so will you, sorry to spoil the ending

but is there anything else to look forward to?

the easiest way to make me cry is to show me

someone doing their best against the odds

that's how they died

didnt speak a word at the table but my thank you's

is there anything to look forward to?

should i move somewhere across the country

somewhere across the world?

i could lose myself for months hiking the appalachian

is there anything to look forward to?

my friends message me but i continue

sitting and doing nothing

i can feel my spine collapsing under

its own weight

while i stand in the kitchen cooking

i almost fall to the ground as my

shoulders fall inwards and my

neck fails to stand straight

is there anything to look forward to?

someone hand me a mote of hope

this lantern has been out of oil

im hanging onto a rope but i think

the end of it isn't a strong knot made for

holding things together

its a noose

made for weak necks like mine

that can't find the way to point north

i think my parents are going to

bury their son

at a closed casket funeral

missing half of his head

is there anything to look forward to?

the stars-

there were stars once

there were stars they were real

i held them in the backseat of my car

on walks and in restaurants

they lived in my heart and eyes

but why didnt they follow me home

after she left

why did they go back into the sky

did they follow her instead?

or was there so much nuclear fission in that backseat

we made the stars truly shine?

formed them of a chess board and

cards that were rummy pre-rum

where do all the stars go when they die?

is there anything left to look forward to?

can i find something else to look forward to?

i want to believe i was nuclear fission, once

even if i was never strong enough

bury your son at the graveyard

where they bury the stars

#0201 #poem #poetry

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meatriarch · 4 months

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me when i say Fuck It to gun's timeline because two weeks is just Not Enough Time in my eyes to properly hold a missing person search throughout several counties and give them time to actually yknow. search ( which we know is already debatable but at least long enough to make it seem like they "tried" yknow? ) before calling it all off.

( which also this does not have to be adopted by anyone else - im just rambling and all but i do believe two weeks is just. not enough time at all- )

maria left for that last trip just before the uni of texas' spring break started. which typically seems to land somewhere between early-mid march (8th-16th). meaning she disappeared in that week.

( im inclined to say maybe within the first 3-4 days of her leaving is when she was taken, probably after she'd been driving most of the first and stopping at random to take photos. also inclined to say she left earlier than break actually started due to how any places she probably wanted to get to ).

her car was discovered abandoned - which could have easily been moved to a different location than where she actually went missing. and that could have taken any number of days to have been reported to local sheriffs after being called in by someone passing by, and which wouldve taken longer to look into before making that house call to her family and announcing her being missing ( esp considering its the 70s so...things were much slower to be processed, searches to be formed took longer to find enough bodies to look, etc ).

so im thinking im pondering im perceiving this roughly :

beginning of march: - maria leaves 2-3 days before spring break actually started. - by the time break is underway, she's made it to her initial few planned stops but is taken, her car hidden briefly, to be gone through. mid-march: - by the time spring break ends and classes resumes, maria never returned to her apartment or campus. - friends probably assumed she'd gotten sick maybe or something went on back home. - her car is discovered that week being back from break, found someplace else, and family is notified. - police start the investigation and search for her once confirmed she hasnt been in contact with anyone back home since those first couple days being gone. - that first-72-hours of easily finding a missing person window now out the door which makes them less concerned of finding her alive. that coupled with the sawyer/hewitt influence around the different departments? they seem less eager to do their jobs, they appear to be avoiding sending search parties at all to look around a certain region. end of march thru april: - when ana catches winds of talks of them suspending the search by the start of april when no leads have been found i think is when she actually leaves their hometown to go find the friends, see if they know anything, come up with a plan to go searching for themselves. - danny told everything and he speed-demons back from his trade schools' training by the coast. - the friends start scouring every place they can think of that maria could have gone to - both that she'd been to before, and where she'd mentioned to them she had planned to stop at or drive past during this trip ( which i imagine must've taken them yknow. a while to do. cause i'd assume they wanted to be thorough since the police weren't. ) - they keep meeting dead ends with every place they go to til they reach newt, and ultimately come across drayton, luda, etc etc. ( insert teehee forbidden knowledge )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ like give it at least a little over a month to give shit time to unfold and grow more frustrating and confusing yknow? give it time for hopelessness to settle in to make that excitement of hearing from the scattered hewitt-sawyer family members of some possible leads refill them with the hope that maybe they've finally caught onto something!! that she was seen, that shes nearby maybe!!!

#[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. / 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦.#[ rel. ] ── * johnny s. / 𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳.#me still sitting here like: gun your timeline is ass and im changing it :) its not a drastic difference either but still. give shit a #lil more time to cook and fester yknow. let maria's time whether with johnny or nancy dep on verse last longer. give the friends time #to actually be searching around and getting frustrated and desperate enough for literally ANY leads that when they come across #the family prior to the ambush? theyre more receptive to their help!! you know?#plus the added devastation of: shes taken right before lelands bday & they get out of there & possibly lost one+ of their group by connies

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meatriarchived · 6 months

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me when i say Fuck It to gun's timeline because two weeks is just Not Enough Time in my eyes to properly hold a missing person search throughout several counties and give them time to actually yknow. search ( debatable but at least long enough to make it seem like they "tried" yknow? ) before calling it all off.

( which also this does not have to be adopted by anyone else - im just rambling and all but i do believe two weeks is just. not enough time at all- )

maria left for that last trip during the uni of texas' spring break. which typically seems to land somewhere between early-mid march (8th-16th). meaning she disappeared in that week.

( im inclined to say maybe within the first 3-4 days of her leaving, probably after she'd been driving most of the first and stopping at random to take photos. also inclined to say she left earlier than break actually started due to how any places she probably wanted to get to ).

so im thinking im pondering im perceiving this roughly :

beginning of march: - maria leaves a day or two before spring break actually started. - by the time break is underway, she's made it to her initial few planned stops but is taken, her car hidden briefly, to be gone through. mid-march: - by the time spring break ends and classes resumes, maria never returned to her apartment or campus. - friends probably assumed she'd gotten sick maybe or something went on back home. - her car is discovered that week being back from break, found someplace else, and family is notified. - police start the investigation and search for her once confirmed she hasnt been in contact with anyone back home since those first couple days being gone. - that first-72-hours of easily finding a missing person window now out the door which makes them less concerned of finding her alive. that coupled with the sawyer/hewitt influence around the different departments? they seem less eager to do their jobs, they appear to be avoiding sending search parties at all to look around a certain region. end of march thru april: - when ana catches winds of talks of them suspending the search by the start of april when no leads have been found i think is when she actually leaves their hometown to go find the friends, see if they know anything, come up with a plan to go searching for themselves. - danny told everything and he speed-demons back from his trade schools' training by the coast. - the friends start scouring every place they can think of that maria could have gone to - both that she'd been to before, and where she'd mentioned to them she had planned to stop at or drive past during this trip ( which i imagine must've taken them yknow. a while to do. cause i'd assume they wanted to be thorough since the police weren't. ) - they keep meeting dead ends with every place they go to til they reach newt, and ultimately come across drayton, luda, etc etc. ( insert teehee forbidden knowledge )

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ like give it at least a little over a month to give shit time to unfold and grow more frustrating and confusing yknow? give it time for hopelessness to settle in to make that excitement of hearing from the scattered family members of some possible leads refill them with the hope that maybe they've finally caught onto something!! that she was seen, that shes nearby maybe!!!

that they can maybe find her and bring her home finally!!!!!

#gun puts out anything setting a timeline in stone and i'm like:#(dis)respectfully: no :)#again: definitely does not have to be adopted but for the most part? i imagine it taking longer than just two weeks.#and i imagine she was with the family for *a while* before ana and the friends got caught up in everything.#[ mf ] ── * 𝐇𝐂 / 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. { maria. }

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videostak · 10 months

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so sick of having my entire life being dictated by having to accommodate for other ppl who then go to shit on my life even more. like having to watch the doors anytime my dad is in the house having my mom keep every1 up thru out the night and acting oblivious to how someones sleep schedule is affected by the sounds of food being made in a microwave at 12 am or hearing 2hour long drunken phone calls from her room to the hallway to the bathroom to the kitchen etc and having in general let ppl know beforehand what i have planned for a day just so they can reveal that they were never even listening to what i told them or just straight up did not care and do their own random impuse thing that i then have to build my schedule around . like fuuuuuck you. only word on the tip of my tongue atm. genuinely no reason to try to be cooperative or understanding if they dont even ATTEMPT to do the same. i mean atleast i get to sleep in but thats only after they come back at like 1 or 2am. and forget abt me my sister literally works at 10 2mrw and has to get up early to get ready and my mom just shat on that despite my sister telling her immediately she brought up the idea of going somewhere for drinks. i feel so sorry for my cousin who like tries her hardest to be nice or like a inbetween ground just to have my mom creepily vent to her and overall make her feel extremely uncomfortable telling her rly in depth stories and secrets abt ppl who told my mom personal stuff in confidence not thinking my mom would immediately tell absolutely any1 the moment she felt the need to have a conversation. am p sure shes drunk rn cause she sounded very drunk and is just being v loud rn so like im sure she got drunk and then wanted to go to a bar to drink more and not have to worry abt getting caught. :| i mean idk if shell take my sister to work tomorrow but if she is too fucked up too then i guess ill just have to take her. but rly just insanely annoying shit. she refuses to go to therapy or somewhere where u address being dependent on alcohol so i think the only real tangible solution atm is to just give my all to cleaning out her room and then just monitor her like a hospital patient constantly. for the foreseeable future. its hard cause she spends all her time in her room and gets mad when i try to clean it and then my dad gets mad at me when i dont clean it and then when i do clean it my dad gets mad that we dont have any space for half the shit in her room or if we do idk where it goes cause im not even a very good cleaner its just 99% of the stuff falls on me cause no one else does it consistently. so like i just go back and forth at them both giving me shit so fuck everything huh. not in an awful bleak mood but regardless things on both fronts are v bleak. guess im not in an awful mood cause worst case scenario tomorrow i drive my sister to work which gives me more chance to drive and im rly rly looking forward to practicing in my actual manual car... cause its so pretty. so like im not at the end of my rope quite yet and dont think things will get super bleak. worst thing is me losing my job but dont think thats gonna happen quite about yet. and if it does ill atleast have the ability to drive places. so i cant say i didnt grow in some way

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scatterpatter · 2 years

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Some long-overdue rants about Dp/Dr

Man this post was years in the making. Most dpdr posts I make tend to be pretty lighthearted in nature mostly to cope and shit but like. It’s a disorder at the end of the day and boy howdy do I have some frustrations after coming out of one of my longest/worst spells I’ve had in a long time

cw for mental illness, dissociation, negativity(largely directed at the self), ptsd, etc etc etc, seriously you aint missing out by scrolling past I just want this out of my head and somewhere tangible

MAN FUCK DP/DR. ALL MY HOMIES HATE DP/DR.

I am. So fuckin sick of it. I am so god damn sick that my main response to trauma and stressors is to literally step outside of my own goddamn body and/or step into a distorted reality because my brain is that desperate to get out of this one, if only a short time

I’m so sick of how fucking invisible it is, and how invisible it makes me feel. I know it’s a good thing that I can act so much like myself that people don’t suspect a thing(or at worst, think I’m just tired or a lil sick), but also I just want to feel fucking sseeeeeeeen. It frustrates me to such a goddamn degree that sometimes I wish my abusers left physical scars, at least then someone, anyone, could see evidence of what i went through time after fucking time. And yesssss before anyone fuckin says it I know its not healthy to have wished for physical trauma on top of everything else but when a goddamn cycle of emotional abuse gets ingrained in you time after time after fuuuucking time, you kinda start to wish someone could see your struggle as more than just “Oh he’s ~sensitive~ haha what a baby.” And yessssss the whole point of it is so that I can socially blend in even when my mind has totally checked out, the point of it is to be invisible, but that doesnt make it any less frustrating

I’m so sick of having to rely on my dissociative spells as much as I do. I gave some of the different states I find myself in names, faces, hell even slight personality differences because Im just that desperate to be comforted even if it has to come from myself, to make the spells less scary, to put names and faces to what Im going through. I want to be grateful for them, after all in a sense I sort of made them and they’re only trying to protect me but I don’t want to need them. I don’t want to put someone who only vaguely resembles me into my body and in control over my words and actions, but I don’t exactly have a say in the manner and it’s comforting and frustrating all at once

I’m sick of the memory fog. I’m sick of having a memory of something mere hours ago but it feeling like weeks ago. My memories while dissociating make me feel like I was drunk and on the edge of blackout drunk- and people wonder why I avoid drinking most of the time. Time moves distortedly and I’m just tired of having to lay on the floor for what feels like 5 minutes only for 2 hours to pass. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep in the middle of an absolute breakdown, only to wake up the next morning an entirely different person, only vague recollections of that breakdown surfacing as if it were just a dream

I’m so so so sick of it getting harder and harder to tell the difference between my dreams, my intrusive thoughts, and reality

I’m fuckin sick of having to put a wall up before most social interactions. Having to either go into an interaction already-dissociating or having that dissociative spell on standby ready to go the second things go wrong because things always go wrong. Either I say something- even if its personal- and am just- wrong. In one way or another what Im doing is wrong and needs to be corrected. It’s either that, or it’s me saying something stupid and getting laughed at/made fun of because ~Haha Scatter always says something stupid and funny~, or it’s me saying something that gets taken in such the opposite manner in which I meant to say something that I’m left there in that empty shell of my projection of self just wondering how I’m being so misinterpreted- do I really come across as that vicious and vile as a person? Everyone always agrees so it must be true but what is it that I do thats so different from everyone else that I’m always seen as this bad??? It’s. Always. Something. I can’t remember the last social interaction I’ve had where at least one person doesn’t call me out for doing something wrong. And it’s. So. Tiring. To be in a position where no matter what I do it’s always wrong in one way or another but I have no choice but to put Damien behind the wheel and just take it because who am I to say that they’re wrong? I cant remember the last time any of my friends have seen the real me, so who am I to say that isnt who I am. That’s not even me. It’s just a projection of myself that acts in a way I think people will like but in one way or another I always get it wrong and it’s always so quick and so sudden to be told how wrong I always am.

I’m sick of Roy being right. I’m so sick of his logic that, the less we talk to people, the less they make fun of us. And then I go into an interaction where speaking or even typing is so physically hard. Where I feel so incredibly muted. But at the end of the day I come out of that interaction and all I can think of was how right Roy was. It doesn’t stop entirely, but it does lessen the amount of times people call me out or make fun of me and it only incentivizes him to take that approach more and more often. It’s confirmation bias and I haaaate that. I’m so sick that I have a game I call “How long can I not engage with someone telling me how awful I am before they finally drop it” and not only is it a game I have to play more often than I like to admit but it’s a game that works.

I’m sick of Damien stepping in to take the emotional blow. But of course he would, why wouldn’t he??? It’s so, so much easier to take everything thrown at you when it’s not you anymore. They’re not making fun of me anymore, they’re making fun of someone who’s not here. Someone who’s not me. I know my new years resolution was to feel like a real person again but its so, so hard to actively work towards that goal when it’s so, so, so much easier to not be a person

I’m sick of Hyde stepping in to try and be me to the best of his ability but at the end of the day, he’s acting like nothing’s wrong just as much as I am. It’s frustrating that when he speaks, it’s often not even fully in my dialogue, there’s usually some vocal quirk or something in there and it scares me because I don’t want people to notice. It’s like cracks in ice, cracks in my facade, and it risks shattering if someone draws too much attention to it. But he can’t be a perfect replica of me, and I can’t fault him for that. How is anyone supposed to do a perfect impression of someone who’s happy, who’s always there to be that emotional support, who’s the strong one, if the real one is busing having a panic attack or just shutting down entirely???

I’m just tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a face I should recognize but I don’t

I’m just so. Fucking. Tired.

I’m not even tired of having dp/dr honestly. I’m just tired at how much im required to use it. My abusers are long gone, I havent seen any of them in years, they’re not here to hurt me anymore, I shouldnt need these coping mechanisms anymore, but I just. Keep finding myself in situation after situation where the cycle has to continue and I just keep needing my dissociative spells. Even if they’re not here anymore, constant situations occur that reinforces everything they did to me and it just. It just frustrates me that something so invisible is what keeps me alive, and it’s endlessly tiring.

And it’s not like I’m not trying! It’s not like I’m not trying to be a better person, and trying to actually love myself and see the value in myself after so many years of being told time and time again the opposite, but it’s just an uphill battle and it’s hard and it’s tiring. And I want to believe when someone tells me I’m loved by my loved ones, but like... honestly it’s just. Hard to believe that when not only is every interaction negative towards me in one way or another, but the person they’ve come to recognize as “me” isn’t even me. And if that ghost of me is as horrible as I’m always told they are, imagine what they’d do if they saw the actual me.

I just wanna throw up tbh

Can you tell this post went from angry to just. Tired??? Idk man if you’ve made it this far then thanks for sticking around. I just. Had a spell that lasted nearly the entire holiday weekend and it ended in an absolute breakdown that I barely even remember, which i guess is for the better. Im just tired of dp/dr being as needed as it is for me. Idk. Bottom text.

#vent #rant #dissociation tw #dpdr tw #mental health tw #negativity #i wanna say dont reblog but honestly i wouldnt mind. just pls dont vent dump on this post or derail or anything like that idk

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