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mywritingonlyfans · 2 years

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anyway here is the actual thing :

(tw for self harm!!!!!!!!! and some blood) (also the uses of "love, darling, dear etc are purelly platonic!!!! im not shipping them!!!)

________

The longer it took Damiano to find Ethan the more he panicked. He let himself get distracted with the filming that was happening downstairs that he completely forgot it was a Sunday. What had his heart racing more was the cameramen walking around the house, trying to create 'fun' scenarios to broadcast on Tv almost everywhere. It wouldn't be ideal if they caught Ethan on the phone.

He finally reached the upstairs rooms, just in time as it seems, since a cameraman was about to open the only closed door of the corridor. He wasn't going to, not under Damiano's watch.

"What do you think you are doing?" he asks, rather aggressivelly. "Dude, chill, it's for the sketches" the man replies and Damiano takes his hand off the door handle. The man takes a few steps away from the door, and Damiano shields it with his body. "It's a private room. I'm pretty sure they told you to film only downstairs" he spat out and the man walked towards the stairs, hands in the air, quickly making a way down before Damiano got to say anything else.

He quietly opened the door, expecting Ethan to be asleep, or on the phone, carefully making way inside before even checking the rest of the room. He turned around, stumbling back in shock at the state of the younger. Damiano's fingers fumbled with the lock, sucessfully turning it before walking towards Ethan. He was shaking, a lot, and Damiano really didn't like the red smeared all over Ethan's thighs. Even worse, at the sight of the older, Ethan tried to back himself further into the room, pushing himself flat against the wall. His eyes were glossy and his cheeks red, and the way his chest seemed to flutter made it quite clear he was struggling to breathe.

"Hey, shh, come on, it's just me, it's Dami," Damiano tried, but Ethan's head fell on his knees, curling into himself more. It broke Damiano's heart to see the younger in pain, and he felt the overwhelming urge to fix it.

"Ethan, can I touch you? Can i hold your arms?" he asks, and Ethan gives reluctant permission by nodding his head, offering his arms out to the older. With a strong pull, Ethan is in Damiano's embrace, clinging on him for dear life.

"I'm sorry," he says, and Damiano can't decide between saying "It's okay," or "You have nothing to apologise for". He doesn't get the chance to choose, with Ethan's shiver running through him too ."You-," he attempts, but his sob cuts him off. ", you weren't supposed to find out," Ethan sniffles and Damiano freezes in the hug. He holds on Ethan's shoulders, pushing him back just enough to make eye contact. "Ethan, love, I'm not mad," he admits, being honest with the younger. Ethan doesn't seem too convinced, but nods anyway. He cringes when Ethan's face shows discomfort, and he's reminded that Ethan is currently, very much so, bleeding between his thighs.

"Come on, let's go to the bathroom, let's wash these out okay? You okay with that?" Damiano asks and Ethan mouths a "yeah," holding tight as Damiano leads them to the bath. Ethan is shaking, still, and the heaves for air seem to have not stopped yet, and even if Damiano tries to play cool, he's mentally freaking out, worried out of his mind.

He helps Ethan in the bath, sitting him down as the warm water runs, coating his legs. The crimson starts to wash off his thighs, only for new red to stain the draining water. He can't help but be a little concerned. He hadn't really any experience.

He lets the water fall, shifting attention to the still trembling boy. Ethan has rested his arms on the tiled wall separating the rest of the room from the shower, his head resting on them as he tries to calm himself. His eyes are still red and he keeps muttering incoherently, refusing to look at Damiano. As if out of shame.

"Ethan, darling, look at me," Damiano pleas, and Ethan ignores him, instead dropping his head between his arms, chest convulsing. Damiano's own chest was hurting, and tears were at his eyes.

"Dear, please, I want to see if you're okay, I want to just talk," he explains and Ethan picks his head up, looking at Damiano through blurry eyes. A tear drops with his next blink, the next shaky inhale, and Damiano reaches out to wipe it with his thumb. "Talk to me?" he asks and Ethan lets out another shaky breath, dropping his gaze.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to see that" Ethan starts, and Damiano wants to tut, to correct him, to assure him he doesn't have to be sorry. He doesn't, he lets Ethan finish instead.

"It's just- they were a bit more aggressive today, and I guess I wasn't that well myself either," Ethan explains, hands splashing the water around his thighs, seeing the dried blood mix with the water. "You know, the stress and all,".

"I know, I'm sorry. I was supposed to be there with you," Damiano says and Ethan's face twists up. "You don't need to be there, I can do it alone," he says, swallowing. He didn't want to, be he felt like he had to. Damiano notices the change in his eyes, the tears forming again.

"What did you mean 'I wasn't supposed to find out?'" Damiano asks, unable to contain his curiosity. Ethan sighs, sniffing.

"It isn't exactly my first time, um, doing, this-" he says, pointing at the cuts on his thighs. Damiano's heart aches, but he keeps his cool. "I didn't want you to find out this is, uh, happening" he says, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I wasn't sure if you'd be too cool about it,".

"Ethan, love, look at me," he says softly, and Ethan looks up into Damiano's eyes. "I would never, and I mean never, be mad at you. For nothing. It isn't something I'm happy about, I'll admit. It's not something 'good'. But I know you couldn't keep yourself from doing elsewise," he admits and Ethan smiles for a moment, before shutting it down with a cough.

"I'm sorry Damiano," he mutters and Damiano holds back from slamming his fist against the tile. "Don't be. You have nothing to apologise for,".

Damiano's gaze drops down to the water, now draining clean. He stops it, getting up from next to the bath. "Do you want me to leave you to take a shower?" he asks and Ethan shakes his head, tying his hair up with an elastic. Damiano brings a towel from the main room, placing it on the sink counter.

"Do you want privacy? I can go if you want," Damiano offers, but the younger replies "No", a bit too loud for his liking. "Please stay," he says, and Damiano helps him out of the bath, handing him the towel and pulling him to the room.

"There must be some gauze somewhere here," Damiano mutters, looking through cabinets, and Ethan stops his arm. "Dont worry, I can throw some shorts on its fine," he says but the older tuts, continuing his search.

"Dami, I'm serious,"

"Tell me why," he says. "And none of that 'it will be uncomfortable' bullshit. 'Cause if anything, it will be more uncomfortable to walk around with fresh cuts between your legs". Ethan swallows, mumbling something about the heat.

"And you think I'll leave you walk around with fresh cuts, open to all dangers?"

"Dami-"

"You might get an infection, especially if you sweat or something,"

"Damiano please-"

", not to mention they'll get itchy snd then what, you might make them blee-"

"I don't want anyone to see!" Ethan yells, grabbing Damiano's arm away from the cabinets. He freezes up at his words, holding Damiano's hand tight.

"No gauze," he says, lip trembling. "I don't-," he exhales, trying to find the words. "I don't have any long pants right now, I don't want anyone to notice from the gauze" he admits, gazed dropped like he was a kicked puppy. Damiano lets out a sigh.

"I can give you one of my pairs, idiot" he says and Ethan softens slightly, shoulders untensing. "Gods, you could have said so from the start," he says, finding the gauze and some medical tape, closing the cabinet door.

you guys need mental help god, i wanna friend like dami and i wanna hug ethan and make him better too 😭 why are u into hurting people like that??

#maneskin talk

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violetnotez · 4 years

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request: It’s the the first time I send a request so I hope I’m doing it right 🥺 can I request a kirishima x reader one-shot with the reader being the traitor and during a fight with the LOV she betrays her classmates and her boyfriend and they found everything out. Possibly angst ofc and you can choose if end it with angst or not, as you prefer. Please I love your blog 🥰

hi anon! So I really loved this idea, and I kinda took it in a different direction, hope thats alright! <3

Kirishima x reader

Genre: Angst, PG

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: none!

Prompt: #3, “you cant tell me you dont feel the same way” from @bnhabookclub Provisional Licensing Exam event

Summary: You have been recruited by Shigaraki to spy on UA as a student. You mistakenly fall in love with Eijirou Kirishima during your time there, dating him for almost 6 months. But now Shigaraki needs you back, and in order to keep Kirishima safe, you have to break his heart

You let out a deep sigh, your chest feeling heavy and full of despair.

You didn't want to do this- you didn't want to hurt him, or let him go.

But to keep him safe- you had to do it.

Shigaraki had revealed the night before that his new plan was complete, and that your spying operation at UA was no longer needed. You had been recruited by Shigaraki at a young age to pose as a student attending UA High, your powerful quirk allowing you to get into the famous Class 1-A. For the last few months you had been pretending to be a hero-in-training, befriending every member in the class in order to win their trust. It was tiring work, trying to study on your own as well as memorize each student's strengths and weaknesses for Shigaraki to use. But by being so friendly with them, you began to realize you actually liked some of the students, making it difficult to hate them as much as you used to. They were so carefree and hopeful about the future, not realizing how cold the real world was like you did. You surprised yourself by loving every moment you were with 1-A, especially with your boyfriend, Eijirou Kirishima. It was hard to stay away from him- he was so bright and charismatic, his smile able to be seen from a mile away. His warmth was so intoxicating, lighting up your life in love and affection. He was the sweetest boy you had ever met, and quite handsome as well, sealing the deal for the massive crush you had grown to have on him. You felt guilty for dating him, knowing that a large portion of your life was hidden from him. It was a frigid lie that had once tried to hold you back from crushing on Kirishima, yet his brilliant warmth melted it away. He unknowingly helped you feel safe, to momentarily believe the world wasn't so bad after all.

Even though you had grown to love the redhead and his bright personality as you spied on Class 1-A, you knew the consequences that one day you would have to leave, yet you followed your heart anyway.

But now the dreaded day had come- Shigaraki needed you to disappear from this new life you had learned to love. He had received all the information he needed from your snooping around, and it was time for you to leave.

Guilt flooded your body, drowning your lungs and heart in regret and misery by the news: you should never have dated poor Kirishima in the first place. You knew it would break his heart once he knew your time together would end, but it had to be done: if Shigaraki ever knew a student from 1-A was romantically in love with you, he wouldn't hesitate to use Kirishima against you as bait to keep you wrapped around his clammy finger. You wouldn't allow Kirishima to get hurt over you, not on your watch.

The only way to ensure you could slip away without worrying about Kirishima was to make him forget about you. That was a close to impossible task, so that idea you scratched out from your mind. You only had two options left: tell him the truth or break his heart.

If you told him the truth, you would have to admit that you were a villain, and most likely would break his heart from the pain away. It would mean revealing your whole life and reason to be a "hero" was a complete and utter lie, most likely destroying the boy in the process. But you already knew Kirishima like the back your hand, and could guess his actions in an instant. He would most likely try to help you, attempt to fix your ways and tell you could leave: but you knew better. You were too involved with the LOV to ever leave and live an everyday life. They would hunt you down if you so much as even admitted to wanting to leave.

You decided the best course of action was to tell Kirishima you were over and down with your relationship- it killed you to even think of speaking such lies, but you didn't want to see him getting hurt. The boy would be heartbroken, yes, but after a while, he'd get over it. His friends were so supportive, so he was sure to have many people consoling him out of his blues. He would forget about you one day and find someone else, someone who wouldn't lie and hurt him. It hurt you to admit it, but this was the best plan you could think of to keep him completely safe.

You were going to miss Kiri and his strong embraces, though, as they were only things that made you feel safe and protected. He was so bright, cheerful, and kind, and it was hard not to resist those warm emotions when your world felt so cold and menacing. But the only way to keep the light inside Kirishima bright was to cut ties with him permanently- you had to break his heart.

Kirishima bounded into the common room cheerfully from his normal workout routine, a warm towel wrapped around his shoulders as he greeted some of his friends. His eyes fell on you, and his heart soared- you looked so pretty sitting there, the setting sun making strands of your hair sparkle like spun gold. His smile grew wider, his perfect teeth sparkling- how was he so lucky to land such an amazing girl like you? His strong arms wrapped around your body from behind the couch, his skin radiating heat as he rubbed his cheek against your hair. "Hey princess, how are you?" he mumbled your pet name into your ear, making your heart churn painfully- this would be the last time he'd hold you like this, the last time he'd speak so softly and sweetly to you. You sighed sadly, meekly wrapping a hand around his skin. 'Hey Kiri," you replied numbly, your voice depressed. You rose from the couch, your legs feeling heavy like lead as you wrapped your arms around your body- why did it feel so cold? Kirishima's smile faded slightly- you didn't sound at all happy. You usually greeted him so adorably, always giving him a big hug or a peck on his cheek. Now you seemed defeated, your hands wrapped around your body as if to protect yourself from something. "Hey, whats going on? You alright- is something bothering you?" he asked sweetly, clueless to why you were feeling this way as he closed the gap between you. He placed his calloused palm on the small of your back, reassuringly, his thumb rubbing against the fabric of your shirt. You swallowed hesitantly, your eyes unable to look into his- it felt too painful to look at him, his innocence to the whole situation making you feel so conflicted and guilty. "We need to talk," you forced yourself to say, his face instantly masked in worry. "Uh-uh sure!" he replied quickly, his speech a little flustered as he tried to seem unbothered, "do you want to talk in my room or yours?" "Let's go in mine," You quickly began walking to your room, Kirishima's footsteps following close behind. He was perplexed and worried- you seemed like something was really bothering you, your voice free of any brightness and joy like it usually was.

You felt like each step to your room made your heart fall heavier and heavier, opening up your room door slowly and letting him enter your room. He flipped on the lights, illuminating the space as you closed the door- even though you'd be long gone by the morning, you felt you at least owed Kirishima some privacy by having the door closed. It made the room feel so much smaller now that Kirishima's aura took over the room. Guilt and shame were eating up at you as you remembered all the hangout sessions and study dates you had in this room, hating how worried and compassionate he looked towards you. "What did you want to talk about? Is it something I did or do? I'm really sorry if I hurt you some way," he was already thinking it was his fault, making you cringe in internal pain- god why was he so sweet? It was you, it was your own personal issues, not him. "No Kiri, no!" you frantically reassured him, your hands going out in front of you in protest. "Its not you, its- its just," "You can tell me anything, you know that right?" he affirmed sweetly, his eyes soft with concern. You nodded your head numbly, your mouth feeling dry like sandpaper. Kirishima walked close to your body, placing his palms around your elbows, your arms full of tension as he tried to melt it away with his touch. He was looking down at you with so much worry, so much adoration and love, it made your stomach turn painfully. Why did this have to be so hard-it was so agonizing, like pulling off a bandage slowly and painfully. You just needed to get it done, to rip off the metaphorical bandage as quickly as possible- the longer you wait, the longer the stinging and the pain will be for the both of you. "Then tell me whats wrong," he instructed softly, still utterly oblivious to the whole situation. You swallowed thickly, your voice and throat feeling hoarse and tight. It was now or never. "Kiri, I- we need to break up."

Kirishima froze, his heart stopping in his chest. He didn't hear you correctly, right? Maybe he heard you wrong? There was no way you wanted to break up with him, no way at all- "I-Im sorry, I just-I just don't love you," You hated how these words were coming out of your mouth, these lies that were obviously ripping you and Kirishima apart from the inside. You watched his expression turn from worry to agony, his eyes wide with shock. It hurt too much to see him look so frozen, as if your words had caused him to shut down. His hands were still on your body, the air changing so suddenly- it was stuffy, stale, and uncomfortable. And it was your fault. You shimmied out of his embrace, turning around so you wouldn't be forced to face him. The guilt was eating at you- you couldn't bear to look at him look so defeated when you knew you had caused it. Your abrupt movement seemed to wake him up out of his heartbroken daze, his hands instantly grasping for you, spinning you around quickly. You breathed hitched painfully in your throat- you had never seen him look so defeated, so desperate. His palms were wrapped around your shoulders tightly, almost painfully, making it practically impossible to escape his hold on you. "y/n, please, please just tell me what's wrong," his voice was wavering, his eyes already gleaming with tears, "I-I know this isn't you, if I did something, y/n, I'll fix it, I promise! I can't lose you, please, please dont do this-" he was practically begging "Kiri, I-I, I cant," your voice was becoming weaker from the stress of trying to hold back a sob, "I-I never loved you." "Y/n, no, I cant accept that," tears were gliding against his cheeks, his voice full of passion, "you cant tell me you dont feel the same way." "I-I love you so, so much, you have no idea," he looked down at you with his wide, puppy-like eyes, begging you to change your mind with his words. "Your all I think about- when I wake up, when I fall asleep, everything I see reminds me of you. You make me so happy, the way you smile, your laugh, your hugs- I-I cant live without those things y/n. I cant live without you. When I asked you out that day, I was so nervous- I had been planning for weeks before, and when you agreed to go out, you made me the happiest man alive." Tears were falling down your cheeks now, your heart screaming in agony. You wanted to tell him that's how you felt as well- Kirishima was your whole entire life, enveloping your every waking moment in his wonderfully bright aura. He was your light, your sun, your anchor in the crazy mess of the galaxy of your life. There was no love and no warmth until Kirishima came around. But now you needed to keep him safe- you had to sacrifice your happiness with each other in order to keep him out of harm's way. "Kiri, I only dated you because I felt pity," you lied straight through your teeth, wishing you could melt into the wall seeing Kirishima's face break. "I was too afraid to say no," His heart couldn't take anymore clearly, his face conflicted with so many emotions you couldn't differentiate between any of them. You felt like this was the most ultimate betrayal to the boy, making him think his love he had with you was all a lie. It wasn't, and you wished you could just tell him the truth, but you knew that would be worse. He'd never allow you to leave- you had to, to protect yourself and him. You put yourself in a crappy situation- you wouldn't drag him along with you. "So-it-it was all fake?" He asked, his voice quiet and terrified. He didn't want to hear the answer he knew would spill out of your mouth. "Yes," The room was deadly quiet, Kirishima completely dumb founded-all the times you hugged him, made him feel accepted in your life, laughed at his jokes, kissed him, made him smile, made him happy-was all a lie? A cruel joke in order to spare his feelings? He felt like such an idiot-he should have known this was too good to be true. He felt deep down he wasn't good enough for you, strong enough, smart enough, manly enough. This was just confirming that fear by 10 fold. You were sniffling, watching the love you had for the boy only grow out of misery, while his love for you was diminishing. "Y-n, I-"he was so confused, his hands running through his hair in anguish. "Why?!? Why did you-you were my first everything! You are everything to me! I can't believe you, there's gotta be another reason-I love you, you love me!" You were so quiet, your shoulders shaking in misery and guilt as tear after salty tear fell against your cheek. Your silence was painful, confirming what he feared with each passing second, your averted eyes hiding the actual truth "You love me, right?" You were too afraid to speak, knowing what you had to say to break him from you-but you couldn't. The lie of saying you didn't love him was eating up your insides, clogging your lungs and your throat to the point you felt you couldn't speak. You couldn't tell him you didn't love him-it was too painful. You already lied to him enough. "I'm sorry," you whispered, looking at him with reddened eyes. What he thought you were sorry for was your lack of care for him, the lies you had told him for the past 6 months, and it burnt his insides in a gut wrenching flame, the fire licking and eating his insides in agony. He had to leave-he couldn't take this anymore, his body walking right past you and opening the door quickly to get fresh air. You were now sobbing, broken gasps crying out his name as he shut the door behind you, closing his heart off from ever accepting you again. You were sorry that you were in love with him, and by being in love with him, you had broken him.

Taggings:

(if you would like to be added, message me via my inbox- if you would to specify a certain character youd like to be added for, that is fine as well!)

@weebartistinc @yuueimagines @orokayagi @leeeah-loooser

#bnha #bnha x reader #kirishima x reader #mha kirishima x reader #kirishima #mha kirishima #kirishima imagine #eijirou x reader #bnha eijiro kirishima #bnha eijirou #kirishima eijirou #mha kirishima fluff #mha kirishima x you #mha kirishima hc #mha eijirou #mha eijiro kirishima

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nastybuckybarnes · 4 years

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Bad Dream - Five

Pairing: Dark!Steve X Reader

Summary: A year after wiping your memory and keeping you for himself, Steve Rogers is happy. Happier than he’s ever been. With you and your daughter, life couldn’t be any better. The only problem? You’re starting to remember things.

Warnings: Smut, Angst, The plot Thickensssss

Word Count: 2K

A/n: WAYYY OVERDUE IM SORRY I SUCK. I’m lacking motivation for writing lately and it’s irritating me. Love y’all so much

!!!THIS IS A DARK FIC WITH SEXUAL AND TRIGGERING CONTENT!!!!

MADNESS MASTERLIST EDITED POORLY! BAD DREAM MASTERLIST

~*~

“Good Morning, sweetheart.” Steve kisses your cheek. You smile, confusion filling you at your body’s natural response to him.

Your stomach twists and flips and you push yourself into a seated position in bed.

“What’s wrong?” You shake your head at his faux concern, holding onto your stomach tightly.

“I... I need some air,” you rasp, stumbling out of bed and towards the doors leading to the balcony. You throw them open and take deep breaths, leaning your forehead down against the railing.

Steve’s footsteps follow you and you feel tears well up in your eyes, fear making your body tremble.

“What’s wrong?” He repeats, his hand coming to rest on the small of your back. You flinch out from under it and let out a shaky breath. “I-I don’t know,” you whisper, trying to sound convincing. “I think I’m coming down with something. I don’t know...” He smoothes your hair back then sighs.

“Did you eat something bad?” You shake your head. His fingers still on your back as a thought enters his mind. “When was the last time you got your period?” Horror fills you and you take a few deep breaths. “It’s been about two months. I thought... nothing of it. I’ve heard of women having irregular periods after birth but...” Your mind goes back to all the times he’s fucked you in the past seven months since you had Sarah and you nearly gag.

“I... I need...” everything blurs as you try to stand back up and you fall into Steve, head spinning.

“Woah! Hey, you’re okay.” He holds you steady, brows furrowed with worry as he sees the glazed-over look in your eyes.

“Can you hear me?” You can’t answer, trying to crawl out of your skin as he helps you to the bed so you can lie down.

Tears well up in your eyes and Steve can’t help but panic, thinking he triggered the wrong thing last night.

“Honey. I need you to relax, okay?” You try to take deep breaths, if not for him then simply so you can figure out what the Hell is going on.

“What’s wrong?” You shake your head and take a few deep breaths. “I... I...” A knock on the front door cuts you off and you exhale deeply. “That’s Buck. He’s got Sarah. I’m gonna go get her and then we’re gonna see what’s wrong, okay?” You nod, watching as he gets up and walks out of the room.

Silent sobs wrack your frame as you realize what's happening to you, what he’s caused. The man who kidnapped you, wiped your memory, and raped you is going to get your daughter. The man who’s controlled you for nearly two years is holding you here against your will and there’s not a single person on the planet who’ll believe you.

~*~

“Mommy missed you so much,” you whisper, kissing Sarah on the head. She hugs you tightly, babbling nonsense into your ear while you pack your bag.

“What’s going on here?” Steve asks, frowning when he sees your stuff packed away.

“I feel homesick, I think. I want to see a doctor, find out what’s wrong.” He narrows his eyes at the shake in your voice then steps closer to you. “We’ve hardly been here. We’re going to enjoy our stay, alright? Then we’ll go home and see a doctor. But until then, I want to have fun.” He nips at your neck and you struggle to fight back tears.

Sarah chooses that exact moment to start wailing and you couldn’t be more grateful.

“She’s hungry and needs a nap,” you explain, pulling away from Steve and walking to the guest bedroom to feed her in privacy. “Where are you going?” Anger is seeping into his voice and you whimper softly.

“I-I just wanted a change of scenery. I’m sorry.” His features soften and he nods, kissing your forehead.

“I thought you were running from me.” You shake your head almost too quickly and he smiles. “Feed my daughter then put her for a nap. And... if you’re not already pregnant, I’m gonna get you full and growing my child by the end of the night.”

He leaves the room and you break down in tears, crying quietly into your hand as you sit down on the bed.

Sarah ceases her crying as soon as she latches onto your breast, but the same can’t be said for you.

How are you supposed to live knowing you’re being held captive?

Your mind goes to your father, Chief of police, and an idea starts to blossom.

~*~

“Dad? I need you to look into the reports that the Avengers put out about me. Something’s not right.” You can hear your dad moving around on the other line. “What exactly am I looking for?” He’s in business mode now.

“Anything that doesn’t seem right.” He exhales deeply. “I’ll try, kid. You safe over there?” “Yeah... for now. I need to get away from him, get out of here.” You glance over to the bathroom door, hoping that the fan, shower, and faucet are loud enough to mask the sound of you talking.

“I have to go now though. I’ll call you again soon.” You can hear him sigh again.

“Alright. I love you, kiddo. And I believe you. Please stay safe.” You sniffle, nodding to yourself. “I love you too. Talk to you soon.” You hang up and then strip until you’re naked and get into the shower.

You let the hot water run over your face, washing your salty tears away almost as fast as they appear.

It’s about ten minutes later when there’s a knock on the bathroom door.

“Sweetheart? You’ve been in here for a while.” He pops his head in and you avoid looking at him through the fogged-up glass shower doors.

“I-I just got the temperature right. I’m still not feeling the greatest.” He walks into the room and closes the door behind himself, taking his shirt off. Your heart thunders in your chest and he smiles. “You’re always so responsive.” Little does he know, your heart is racing for a very different reason than he thinks.

He rids himself of the rest of his clothes and gets into the shower behind you.

“Jesus, you always like the water so hot.” He doesn’t flinch away from the water though, instead, he steps further under it until his body is flushed against yours, hardening cock pressed against the small of your back.

An involuntary whimper of fear leaves your lips and he sighs, his mouth ghosting over your neck.

“The things you do to me...” His arms wrap around your midsection and you feel your body's reaction to him. Warmth builds in your core and you shift backwards, leaning into his embrace with little reluctance.

“I’m gonna fuck that tight pussy of yours. Make sure you’re pregnant. And you’re gonna take it, aren't you?” Your head jerks up and down, new tears filling your eyes as your body yearns for something that your mind wants to get away from. One of his hands comes up to hold your throat while the other trails down between your legs, sliding through the slick that’s gathered there.

You feel ashamed of the way you want him, the way your body’s been programmed to want him, but you can’t do anything to stop the soft moan of pleasure that leaves your lips when he slides two thick fingers inside of you.

“You like that? You like it when I fuck your greedy cunt with my fingers?” You make no move to answer and he squeezes your throat in warning. “You’d better fucking answer me when I ask you a question. Tell me how much you like it when I finger your pussy.” You choke on a moan as he curls his fingers and hits your g-spot, water stinging your eyes.

“I-I love it so much when you f-fuck my pussy with your fingers.” The words taste like acid and you feel absolute mortification fill you as you say them.

“Yeah, you love it. My good girl likes it when I fuck her little pussy. I’m gonna fucking destroy your cunt with my cock and you’re gonna like every second of it, aren’t you?” You nod, squeezing your eyes shut as he pushes you against the shower wall.

“Yeah, you are. Cause you’re daddy’s good girl, aren’t you?” You fight the urge to cringe as you nod again, biting your bottom lip when he pulls his fingers out of you.

He pulls his hands away from you for a moment, just to spin you around and face him. You look up at him with fear in your eyes and he feels himself harden.

In an instant, your legs are hiked up on his arms and you can’t help the squeak the leaves you at the quick movement.

He holds you against the wall, arms keeping your legs up as he backs up a couple of inches, eyes trailing over your body. You’re completely at his mercy (which you know he won’t grant) and he inspects the way you’re opened up to him, utterly vulnerable. He stands dominant as ever, eyes dark with lust as he steps back to you, hard cock sliding through your folds and bumping your clit.

You moan and grasp his shoulders, eyelids fluttering shut at the intense feeling.

“Look at you. Already a desperate mess for my cock. Pathetic.” You don’t want to open your eyes. Don't want to look at his face. So instead, you throw your head back a bit more, letting the hot water rush over your face.

“Don’t worry, I wanna be inside you.” He slides through your folds once more then pushes inside of you, groaning as your walls flutter to accommodate his size.

He stills inside of you for a moment, leaning forward to press kisses to your neck. You take a few deep breaths, water getting into your mouth as you moan softly.

“You always feel so good around my cock. Always so tight.”

You arch your back subconsciously, walls squeezing his cock in a silent plea for movement.

“You want me to fuck your pussy good, huh? Want me to fuck another baby into that tight cunt?” You nod breathlessly, nails digging into the skin of his shoulders, leaving bright red crescent moons that are so so close to drawing blood.

“Fuck, you feel so good around me, your cunt was made to be fuckin’ wrecked by my cock.”

You bring your fist to your mouth, trying desperately to muffle your moans as he starts thrusting inside of you, not wanting to give him the satisfaction that would come with knowing he’s so close to making you come.

“Come on baby, you know you can’t hide your pleasure from me. You know I’ll fuck the moans out of your pretty little mouth.” He starts thrusting harder, each time hitting the spot inside of you that makes you see stars. You can’t hold back, and a loud moan leaves your lips as his thrusts slam you into the wall.

The pain brings you so much closer to the edge and you squeeze your eyes shut, teeth grinding as you try to focus on the coil tightening in your belly and not the man causing it.

“You gonna cum, baby? You gonna cum all over my cock?” He’s huffing hot pants of air onto your neck while he fucks you hard.

“Do it. Cum all over my dick.” Hot tears drip down your cheeks and you cum hard on his cock, muscles spasming as intense waves of pleasure roll through your body.

He fucks into you even harder, the tightening of your cunt around him sending him over the edge. His cum fills you and he grunts softly in your ear, body pressed tight against yours.

Silent tears stream down your cheeks and you have to hold back sobs as Steve stays glued to your body.

“Fuck, you’re so perfect. So perfect for me, sweetheart. You’re mine, you know that, right? Mine forever. Nothing can change that.” You squeeze your eyes shut and nod, hopelessness sinking into your bones.

#Steve rogers x reader #Steve x reader #steve x reader dark fic #Steve x reader dark au #dark #Dark Series #dark!fic #Dark Fic #Steve rogers x reader dark au #Steve rogers x reader Dark!fic #Steve rogers x reader dark fic #Steve rogers dark au #Steve rogers dark #dark Steve rogers #dark Steve rogers x reader #dark!steve #dark!steve rogers #dark!marvel #dark!bucky barnes

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chimswae · 3 years

Text

BTS Caretaker CH40

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 3,998

- Author Note: Hello hello, so i made an update on time this time around *proud* hahaha so thank you for those who reads whether u new or old or u just catch up on it again, im really thankful ;) and we love yoonkook and SIN <3

Previous | Next

Chapter 40

“About Yoongi hyung…” “I read the article. Both of them” muttered Seul as she took a seat on the cold bench. Realizing the distant in her voice, Jungkook knew she was affected by the news despite trying to hide her disappointment towards it.

Jungkook expelled a long sigh and kneeled in front of Seul interlacing her cold fingers in his. She stared at him blankly looking empty and lost, “Don’t trust what you read. Hyung is not what they said in those articles. Listen to him, only him” she recoiled, giving his hand a soft squish.

“Where is Yoongi?” her heart was heavy to even say his name out loud as though something trying to cut the strings that she had with him.

“In his studio, I haven’t seen him since lunch, but we will be having a meeting with Bang PD in an hour. Come with me please? Yoongi hyung needs you by his side” Jungkook said sweetly, persuading Seul which confused her.

“Jungkook..why are you here?” instead of responding to the initial question, it came to her realization that Jungkook’s presence was not merely due to the unexpected articles released today.

His lips broke into his usual cute smile lighten up the whole universe “To pick up my favourite girl for my favourite hyung” her bewildered gaze searching his face to see any sign of joke. “Jungkook-ah..I don’t understand” Jungkook held her hands tighter as her gaze followed the younger guy whom took a seat beside her.

“Nuna...” she froze. Her ears seemed to make a fool of her when Seul thought she heard it wrong. Jungkook was really calling her nuna, which gave her a major goosebumps. “You should know this because I will not be able to say it again. I really..really love you. And you are a bad woman for making me fall head over heels for you when you only have your eyes on Yoongi hyung” his faint voice pained her heart.

“I will cherish every moment that we had together deeply in my heart..”

“Jungkook-ie..I..am-“ “Don’t be sorry, it makes me feel awful” he chuckled bitterly. Jungkook enveloped his arms around her shoulder, pulling the girl into a tight embrace. “Thank you for giving me a chance to feel the real love. I want you to know, that I never regret it. This feeling is wonderful, you make me feel good and oddly bad sometimes. I want to keep you close to my heart as a friend. Good friend. Letting go my feeling doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Us, it is impossible” he finally set a clear line between them. A friend.

Seul was losing her words, and she tried hard not to stammer in between “Ho..w did you find out?”

He shook his head as a small chuckle escaped from his lips “I am a man, nuna. I told you many times before. Trust me when I said a man can read another man’s mind because that is our forte” Seul pursed her lips in confusion.

“I can see it through your eyes, you care for me, but you love hyung. Well, I can say that you’re almost swooned by my action however you couldn’t hide your true feelings. Don’t you realize that?” he continued “That you love Yoongi hyung?”

Did she?

“But- how are you so sure when I am still confused of myself”

“Conform with yourself. Ask your heart, who is inside? Whether it is me or Yoongi hyung…or is it Jin hyung” she gawked in sheer fear. Did he just read her mind? How was it possible for him to bring up Jin in this situation?

He smirked “Surprised? Jin hyung may not know this, but I caught him talking to you one day. So I conclude that, hyung has feelings for you”

“Impossible. He never arises this issue”

“Of course, he won’t, Kim Seokjin that I know always put others above his own happiness. That includes his feelings for you. I thought if hyung can do that, then why not me? Jin hyung is a man with big heart, as soon as he realized our feelings for you, he backed away without uttering any words. His perseverance is something that I admired” again his words hit her hard making her ten times guiltier than before.

If Jin has feelings for her, why didn’t she notice the obvious? Get a grip Ji Seul, you need stop toying innocent’s hearts.

“I am a bad person for playing with your heart. You guys didn’t deserve this”

“Then make up your mind, it has always been Yoongi hyung and you know it” he stroked the strand of her hair from covering her face. “We will be happy if you could make hyung happy” his heart felt lighter now that he had talked to Seul, Jungkook was no longer living under the shadows.

Seul smiled meekly “Can we stay as friend? I don’t want to lose you or anyone. This decision that I am about to make, I am afraid if it cost me to lose this precious friendship” her voice was low and desperate. The only reason why she hadn’t come up with any decision to end this confusion was her fear of losing the boys. She didn’t to take a wrong step and ruined everything that they had.

Falling in love is subjective. You can’t really tell when it begins or how to stop it. It is not like she invited these boys to love her more than just a friend, the feelings develop over time and it is something that you can’t stop even if you wish to.

“Yah, of course we are still friends. I am keeping my words to keep you safe even you’re with Yoongi hyung” he tapped the tip of her nose with a small chuckle.

“Don’t you hate me? After what I did?”

“And what exactly did you do for me to despise you? Seul, I am serious about giving up for Yoongi hyung. Do not overthink because I won’t let you” she scrunched her nose, tilting her head at his direction.

She teased, “So it is Seul now? Where is the nuna?” Jungkook cringed hard at the thought of living his life calling her with honorific.

“You are so not making me call you nuna because that sounds cringey” they chuckled at their own silliness, it took over the awkwardness that she felt earlier at least.

“Are you coming with me to the company?”

“Can I not come? I mean- Jungkook in all honesty I trust Yoongi but I need some time alone to get my head together. I promise to check on him tomorrow. Plus, I don’t think my presence there will be helpful. You guys already have enough problems to face, it is better for me to not be there” she chewed her lower lips afraid that Jungkook might misunderstand her request.

The latter nodded in understanding, “You are right. Let us talk to Bang PD first and see the seriousness of this issue. I will let you know how it goes” he smiled.

“Thank you. Please look after Yoongi, he is..you know what I mean” her confidence deflated as the memories of Suga’s struggle resurfaced. She could hold it for a night, just few hours. Seul would meet him the first thing in the morning.

“We will keep our eyes on hyung. Don’t worry. Do you want me to walk you home?”

She shook her head “No thank you. I can take cabs. Just go, you don’t want to miss the important meeting and get in trouble” Seul reached out to stroke his bangs and smiled genuinely. Jungkook pulled the girl into a final hug before bidding his farewell, heading straight to the headquarter in hurry.

------------------

The talk with Bang PD and the rest of the team went for hours. They had come up with a solution after hearing Yoongi’s side of story. The false accusation made by the irresponsible individual will be addressed officially in court considering this matter jeopardized both BTS and Yoongi image. Big Hit had zero tolerance pertaining to this issue and would file a lawsuit against the individual who started this rumour.

For the time being any solo and group activities involving Yoongi would be put at halt to give him a space to breathe from medias. The only activities that he would take part in the future was BTS upcoming activities in America followed by their American Music Awards performance in a month. Big Hit had replaced Yoongi with other members to fulfil the request from reality shows that already being scheduled for him few months ago.

Entering Suga’s Genius Lab stealthily was Jin, the dark room was ignited by a small table lamp at the corner causing Jin to wonder if Yoongi was already asleep. Ever since the article made it to public yesterday, Yoongi didn’t talk much worrying the eldest guy.

“Yoong, are you asleep?” he sat on his favourite swivel chair facing Yoongi’s small body on the couch.

His soft hummed could be heard clearly, as the distressed guy sat up expelling a deep sigh. “Are you okay?” concerned Jin made sure to scrutinize his serious expression.

“Is this about Seul?”

“Why are you bringing her up?” he snapped.

Jin smug in victory “So, this is about Seul. Are you worried that she might misunderstand this and decide to leave you? And choose Jungkook-ie?” Yoongi rubbed his back hair in frustration.

“She is a big girl, I don’t care who she chose. In the end, I will never win over Jungkook” his heart stung by his own words though he really hoped to see Seul tonight. It was impossible, no one would want to stay with an unfaithful guy like him. In the eyes of public, he is just a mere pest who toyed with girls’ heart.

“You must talk to her before making your own judgement” he eyed the younger guy, crossing his arms in disapproval.

Yoongi clucked his tongue irritably “A call from her would suffice but not even a single text, I know this is not going to work. Seul-“ “Seul is not calling you not because she is giving up on you. You should have known her better, she is a complicated young lady but she would never leave you hanging without answers” Jin rose his brows in amusement.

“Aren’t you happy? That this is happening to me now you have chance to be with Seul” his brows were pinched together, mentally cursing this ill fate of his.

Jin pressed his lips firmly, and looked at him wide-eyed, questioningly. “You think I will be that shallow? Yes, I like Seul. Do you have problem with that? But I have set a fine line between me and her. She is off limit because she likes you” he shook his head.

“She is free to like anyone. She could be yours, or Jungkook’s, don’t lose hope” Yoongi responded sarcastically earning a dissatisfied growl from the older guy.

“Her feeling is not something you can toss around like your damn basketball game, I know you are salty because she is not here with you. Trust me, I have no intention to pursue her. I know who is in her heart. Unlike a foolish guy like you, speak as if you have no brain” he threw daggers at his way.

“Are you trying to pick a fight? Because I am not in the mood hyung”

“Right, you are not in the mood for everything. Your heart is consumed with jealousy. Min Yoongi, tell me one more time that you don’t care about her because I won’t hesitate to give her a call and ask her out for a date” he challenged the grumpy guy with confidence knowing how it would affect him. Yoongi was too deep in love to back down now, he was just being a brat. Literally complaining about the unfair treatment that he received from his dear dream girl.

Yoongi scowled “Don’t you dare! She is off limit!”

“Then prove to me that she is off limit and you will take good care of her, think like a sane man with class, seriously. Min Yoongi stop being a brat, I know you love her and you do realize that I still can win her heart if I want to. That is if you give up” Jin once again provoked Yoongi causing the latter to rake his hair with his hands out of anger.

Regardless, what came from Jin, the rapper really took it seriously as if his life was at the brink of death.

Yoongi said glaring at his hyung “Are you here to help or to provoke me? Can you just leave hyung? I need my peaceful sleep” he leaned back letting a soft huff. A mouth fight with Jin never ended up well since he would lose most of the time. It was the truth, only Kim Seokjin could tame Min Yoongi.

Jin switched his seat and within a second, he was sitting beside Yoongi, smiling bashfully. “Can you promise me that you will look after Seul?” bewildered, a visible line was evident on his forehead trying to digest Jin’s request.

“You are acting odd. Stop scaring me”

“Min Suga, I am not asking you as a BTS Jin, but as your brother, good friend and your roommate, Kim Seokjin. I care for Seul, and I want to see her happy. I know you can put that beautiful smile on her face. Her smile is the brightest when you are around…” a smile found its way to his lips, washing away his sadness for not be able to win Seul’s heart.

“It is weird, how are you fine with this? Hyung, you are about to give up a girl that you like for me. Are you really sure about your feelings?”

He nodded and scrunched up his face determinedly “Love doesn’t mean making someone yours, it means being happy in the happiness of the one we love. I love you and Seul-ie, and it wont change. Love her with all your heart Yoong, I believe you can make her happy”

Yoongi took a deep breath, fidgeting with his fingers until he finally said “I can’t believe you are giving me a blessing for this relationship when you are not even Seul’s mother” Jin laughed softly.

“Can’t i? I am still the oldest one in the group” he jabbed his arm playfully. Yoongi blurted out a quick thank you silencing the playful man almost instantly. He heard him continued “Thank you for always believing in me. You will find a woman that loves you as much as you love Seul one day” Yoongi’s gummy smile illuminates the dark room, warming his heart in process.

Being Jin, he would not respond to Yoongi seriousness whenever the guy had put much effort to force it out from his mouth. “One day if I find Seul crying because of you, she will be the woman as you mention in your prayers” he messed around, to make fun of Yoongi.

He snickered as his eyes rolled in annoyance “You wish..”

---------------

The following day, Seul came to the company as promised. She told the boys’ head manager about her intention to meet Yoongi especially when she found out from Jin that he stayed out for the night in his studio. He’s going to work his ass off to distract himself from thinking about those news circulated around the internet.

The counter measure will be taken by the management team. Yoongi insisted to release an apology letter in relation to this rumour especially the claim by Stephanie. Bang PD decided to release an official statement on behalf of Yoongi because the rapper had nothing to explain to the public.

The rumours were false and Yoongi on the other hand owed nothing to anyone. He didn’t do it so why must he feeling guilty over the fake news?

Walking down the empty hall, Seul graceful steps made it to the other wings of the building. Hoseok and Namjoon strode towards her with a wide grin “Good morning. Seul, you came! Are you here for Yoongi hyung?” Namjoon said in his low morning voice.

“Good morning Hobi, Joonie. I am here for Yoongi, is he around?”

Hoseok wiggled his brows unknowingly “He is inside his studio. He didn’t come out since our meeting with Bang PD, maybe you can get him out?” he passed a piece of small pink notes. Blinking in confusion, she scanned the paper of what seems to be a password to Yoongi’s door.

The corner of her lips tugged into an amused smile “You come prepared. Thank you”

“No problem. Good luck” he pumped his fist exaggerating the battle as if she was off for an important combat. Namjoon winked at her way, mouthing her a ‘Hwaiting’ pressuring the lady even more.

------------

“160815” she mumbled whilst her fingers pressing the passcode carefully not to make any sound. The door to his studio beeped open excite the latter, and she grew nervous again to meet the man beyond the door.

“Here we go” Seul slid inside with zero noise, as she closed the door behind her awfully slow.

“Stop sneaking around like a thief” his low voice made her jump in her stance. She mentally blamed herself for her own clumsiness, now Yoongi would think weirdly of her. How uncool.

She turned her heels to face the owner of the voice, she frowned deeply digesting the image before her. As though the scene repeated itself, she glanced at the unlit cigarette between his thick fingers. This guy just wouldn’t listen, didn’t he?

“What do you want” he moved one of his free hand to write something on his music sheet. Yoongi didn’t even bother to turn around as he continued to work something on his keyboard when it was obvious his concentration was long gone ever since Seul’s sweet scent took over the strong lemon scented geranium across the room.

“I want you” she said sternly and grabbed the cigarette from his hand, dumping it inside the nearest bin.

“Yah Ji Seul, that cost me 10,000 won!”

“I believe your health costs more than that” Seul ignored Yoongi hard gaze as she went to take something from her pocket. She pulled a strawberry lollipop out and unwrapped the lollipop. Confused by her actions, Yoongi watched how the girl had successfully shoved the sweet candy inside his mouth.

Satisfied with her art, her lips broke into an adorable smile “That is better, from now on keep at least one lollipop with you. Stop smoking” he stared at her bemusedly. Pulling the lollipop out, “Said that you want me again” he jeered playfully.

“In your dreams, I am here to check on you not to flirt. How are you feeling?” she leaned against the wall beside the keyboard unbothered by Yoongi early tease.

Pursing his lips into a small pout, he bit the inside of his cheek. “I couldn’t sleep whole night, so I stayed up and write lyrics” she gasped.

Seul took his cheeks in her tiny hands and started to examine his face as if not sleeping whole night caused a serious injury to his handsome face. Alright maybe the only injury were the hideous eyebags. Yoongi still appeared good even with an obvious eyebags hanging for their life there.

He was enjoying how her fingertips moved along his skin, and he closed his eyes to devour every second of it. “Hmm…Are you done?” Yoongi held back his chuckle, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.

Noticing the playful smile on his face, Seul pinched his nose hard until he swatted her hand not be able to withstand the pain “What is that for?! You mean woman!” he rubbed his red nose in protest.

“So you will stop goofing around. Why didn’t you sleep Yoong?” she looked concerned and hurt by the fact that this man neglected his supposed to be rest time just like that. Seul leaned down to leave a soft kiss at the tip of his nose and their closeness literally took his breath away.

Yoongi took the chance to pull the girl on his lap “Do that again..” he nuzzled his nose against her soft cheeks.

She giggled “I thought you are sulking” “Not anymore, when I have you by my side” he pressed his forehead against her, rubbing their nose together earning a soft giggle from the shy lady.

“Seul-ah, I am sorry about the articles. I swear it wasn’t me, I..have no idea why they are-“ Seul pecked his lips quickly. “I trust my Yoongi. You don’t owe me any explanation or apology” Yoongi tilted his head in bewilderment.

Carefully angling her head to the side, Seul leaned forward stealing a tender, chaste kiss on his lips surprising the man once again. Seul didn’t pull away literally as she let her lips brushed against his “This is your long-awaited answer” giving him no time to react, their lips locked again this time in a deeper kiss.

They were burned with blazing passion. The kisses were quick and enough to give an obvious hint to the clueless guy. They pulled away breathless.

“Wow, i..didnt expect you to answer me that way”

Seul turned fifty shades redder “I..wanted to show you a different side of me and as a girlfriend, I will stick through thick and thin with you. No matter what happen, I will always be here for you” she assured daringly.

“Girlfriend. I can finally call you my girlfriend?” he stroked her soft hair.

“I love you Min Yoongi” she professed her love earnestly.

Yoongi couldn’t stop grinning like a fool ever since she heard those three magical words came from her. It felt too good to be true. “Say that again” he kissed the corner of her lips, caressing her jaws softly.

“I love you Min Yoongi” her breath hitched feeling the excitement from the simple confessions.

He stole away for a chaste kiss on the lips, “I love you Seul” he murmured against her lips causing her to smile from ear to ear. His voice alone could make her ten times happier than she already is.

“I want you to sleep, stop working” she closed the music sheet, tugging his hand towards the couch. Seul sat him down on the couch, “Lay down and shut your eyes for an hour, please?” he raised one of his brows in amusement.

“Sleep with me?”

“No way, I will watch you sleep instead. So, please baby sleep?” Seul stroked his bangs, trailing her finger ear his eyes.

He looked up meeting her gaze and inhaled a sharp breath “Today is the best day ever. I can hear the I love you and you claimed that I am yours. Now you are calling me baby” he planted a soft kiss on her knuckles, grazing it softly with his thumbs.

Seul softened in his hold “As much as I want to hear your sweet raspy voice, I want you to sleep please baby” she giggled at the nickname, flattering Yoongi’s heart. He positioned himself and laid his head on her lap.

“Watch me sleep, don’t leave” she ran her fingers in his blonde lock, caressing it lovingly. He began to feel drowsy and curled up in fetal position to finally doze off not long after that. Seul smiled inwardly watching how the rapper turned into an adorable kid in his sleep.

She touched his cheek gingerly, admiring Yoongi’s soft feature. Lowering her head, she kissed his eyes gently, just a small, butterfly kiss.

“Sweet dream” Seul leaned back on the couch relaxing and her eyes grew heavy from the weight of sleep that took over her. Settling in to a new chapter in life, she is ready to write the new page with Yoongi.

12 notes · View notes

hirvitank · 3 years

Note

Waste + 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 9, 11, 12, 13, 15

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

I knew Death of the Outsider was coming, and as the Outsider was my favourite character I really wanted to explore the theory of him becoming human—the game hadn’t been released yet so we had no idea how it’d actually end, just that Billie and Daud were working together to kill him. Since the Outsider functioned as a sort of moral compass, I was very curious to try and imagine how his canon characteristics and biases would translate into a human version of him; how would he experience the world? How would he come to terms with such a humbling existence? Where did he come from and who was he? How would he cope with his own mortality, human emotion, the consequences following his choices in the Void? And most importantly; how had his being the Outsider affected his humanity? There was so much I wanted to see explored, things I feel the previous games hinted at but never elaborated upon. I wanted to write a psychological sort of story where we’d really be able to feel and experience whatever passed in his mind, and I tried my best to use my knowledge as well as my own experiences—flaws I either observed within myself or others, ideas, thoughts and feelings influenced by bias, depression, trauma, etc. When in art school, most of my inspiration came from the transience of things; my fear of death. I really wanted to take the subject and explore it through the eyes of someone previously immortal.

2: What scene did you first put down?

I think it was the original ending I wrote down first. I was supposed to write towards a particular scene, but somewhere along the way I’d decided to discard the idea entirely and opt for a happier resolution. I originally intended for the Outsider to die in the end, both to explore the feelings of those around him, as well as his own emotions accepting such a fate. I wanted a way to embrace death, as well as an output for all my bitterness regarding the subject; my anger at the ‘unfairness’ of it all, as well as my own trauma. I wanted to express loss, and in a way try and reveal the beauty of it. In the end, I had already found a way to deal with grief, and I also felt these characters deserved more; the fairness of fiction

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?

That’s a REALLY difficult pick haha (does this mean literally a single line, or like a paragraph?). I’ll just share one of my favourite parts, because I can, and because it’s even more difficult to pick a single line from such a long story and I’m honestly horrible at making choices:

I heard the whispers of rats all around me, tiny feet scampering through the pipes; Billie’s gift tucked inside my shirt. My bare feet light, making little noise—as if I wasn’t really there. Perhaps I wasn’t. Perhaps I hadn’t been anywhere for centuries.

Up the stairs, cold stones. The walls decorated, grand and lavish. Empty corridors and lingering traces of hushed whispers—the guards had left their posts. She’d be there. How would that have made me feel? How should that make me feel? Almost, getting closer. My heart pounded in my ears, lungs greedily begging for more air, more—more. I felt like running. Strong currents of energy coursed through my veins, vibrated through bones and tendons. If I lost control, would I explode in a million pieces? Would the energy burst out and take my body apart, like the Void tearing into reality?

Who was I?

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

Honestly impossible to pick, I’ll just take this monologue:

“Anton Sokolov: sire to 14 children, but a father to none. A brilliant mind at a terrible cost, enlightenment in exchange for the dark depravity of the soul. Fingers that turn the times into a revolution of progress, the same fingers that touch upon women as they do the cold inventions they craft. Objects close to his heart—objects from his mind.

“The stench of alcohol in his bed, his clothes, his skin. Liquors and paints; on the canvas, dripping from his fingers, in the eyes of the beggar he found in the flooded slums of a place forsaken. The stench of rot still fresh on his teeth as he smiles at young Emily Kaldwin and tells her: ‘Don’t worry dear, here in the tower you are safe.’ Don’t worry dear, for I know the truest evil lies not within the high walls of Dunwall but within my hands and mind, within the flooded basement where a woman screamed and bled until she hung her head and closed eyes from which the dark paint still leaked—forever.

“The human body—like clockwork—taken apart in exchange for coin, for valuables. But those things Anton Sokolov values most lay outside of his intellectual grasp; for all the reasoning in the world he is but a cold, lonely man in search of a higher purpose that is but a lie of his own twisted imagination. A delusion of grandeur.

“How does it feel? One’s biggest regrets are but feelings of little consequence. The true disease is the sickness that allows one to enact true consequence on an innocent in the name of a self-prescribed fate. But I suppose that’s the curse of boredom. That, is the curse of your brilliance.”

5: What part was hardest to write?

The first chapter! There’s nothing more difficult than a set-up imo; establishing characters, pacing, setting and feel. I had a vague idea of where I wanted to go, but there was still so much I didn’t know that I had a hard time choosing how and where to start. I think it’s one of the most heavily edited chapters, just because I didn’t have a clear grasp on the characters or plot yet. (Also smut, oh lord help me)

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

There’s the original ending, and I did at one point start on a companion fic to explore Emily’s pov, but decided I better focus on finishing the original instead.

11: What do you like best about this fic?

The fact that it’s finished (hurrahhhh!!), and the themes and subjects.

12: What do you like least about this fic?

My own sense of humour, I always cringe reading my own jokes so I can only hope it hits with others—I genuinely have no idea, and it’s hard at times to figure out where to draw the line.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

WELL IM GLAD U ASKED!! I’ll try and keep this short, but these are some of the songs that carried this fic, not even exaggerating.

1. Lover Don’t Leave, Citizen Shade

2. Happy Life, Roland Faunte

3. Painting Roses, Dresses

4. ID, Charlie Allen

5. High Tops, Del Water Gap

6. Love Song for Lady Earth, Del Water Gap

7. Battle Cry, The Family Crest

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

EVERYTHING. I had literally no idea about writing, apparently. I’ve had no classes in literature, nor have I ever been taught the common rules when it comes to writing. I got to learn most of it thanks to my friends who helped edit (shoutout to @onewhoturns again), and through trial and error. I absolutely loved the experience of it, and I’m so grateful for all I’ve learned, and all I will continue to learn in the future. It’s given me the basis for my own original writing which I’m trying to pursue, and which I hope will someday become reality.

Thank you so much for these! I’ve thoroughly enjoyed answering every single one. ♥

#anon #ask #emsider #waste #my writing #it’s almost 4 am but i wanted to finish answering these #im gon sleep now byeee thank u so muchhhh

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yellowmagicalgirl · 4 years

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Fic Writer Tag Game

tagged by @im-the-king-of-the-ocean

...it feels like I just did something very similar to this very recently but I’ll do it again I guess. This time I’m gonna include Fanfiction.Net, though, just so I can give different answers. That being said, I’m only going to link to the AO3 version of the fic

Fandoms:

These days, it’s almost all Tales of Arcadia, but my AO3 also has some Miraculous Ladybug, SPOP, and RWBY as well as a crossover with The Hunger Games. In addition to the above, my FFN also has some PMMM, Tai Chi Chasers, Sailor Moon, iZombie, Harry Potter and Voltron Legendary Defender in there.

Number of Fics: 98 on FFN, but only 60 of them ever got transferred to AO3.

Fic I Spent the Most Time on: I know I said I was torn between two fics last time, but honestly? I spent hours looking up the effects of PTSD, solitary confinement, and various forms of torture for the Juliet Dies; Life Continues fics. There’s a reason why when I finally publish Juliet Survives in This I’m gonna contain two disclaimers: one for the Dead Dove Do Not Eat and another for the fact that I’m using magic and the fact that Claire’s not entirely human anymore just so I can find a way to make it so that Claire has a good reason for not being any worse off. The other fic I was writing I only did some research before going, “nah I’m bastardizing Arthurian legend”

Fic I Spent the Least Time on: *looks at old writing and cringes* Raked over Crimson Waves, probably...

Longest Fic: Every Ghost in Me is the longest fic I’ve ever written at a proud 10,188 words... and somehow it’s a oneshot.

Shortest Fic: For actual fics, it’s A Shop Infested on AO3 and Arme Harry on FFN. Though, A Shop Infested is also the shortest English actual fic on FFN for me as well (yes, I have one (1) fic written in German.) However, this doesn’t count my poetry. On AO3 it’s Isn't It Ironic? On FFN it’s In My Arms.

Most Hits: On AO3, it’s I Bet You Kiss Your Knuckles (Right Before They Touch My Cheek) with its 1741 hits. On FFN, it’s Dare, which has 15,174 hits. Though, for comparison, Dare was written in 2015; I Bet You Kiss Your Knuckles (Right Before They Touch My Cheek) only has 348 hits on FFN.

Most Kudos: I Bet You Kiss Your Knuckles (Right Before They Touch My Cheek)

Most Comments: On AO3 my collab with Tuna, Birds, Bees, and Blood Magic, has the most comments, but Juliet Dies in This has the most threads. On FFN, it’s still Dare.

Most Bookmarks: Birds, Bees, and Blood Magic holds this title on AO3. The closest similar thing we have on FFN is favorites, so that title goes to Picked the Wrong Girl.

Total Word Count: On AO3, my net word count is 82,299. On FFN, I had to break out excel, and my net word count would be approximately 136,615 words. Approximately because I can’t separate the fic from the author’s note.

Favorite Fic I Wrote: You can’t make me choose... but it’s probably one of those jlaire hurt/comfort fics I’ve written. Or for that matter, the LadyNoir hurt/comfort fics I used to write when it comes to FFN even though I decided not to move them off of AO3... wait a second. I have a type. Oh no I have a type when writing and shipping and that type is the person who’s associated with light and goodness comforts the person who’s associated with darkness. I mean I’ve written outside of this type many a time but let’s face it so many of my shippy hurt comfort fics more or less boil down to this description.... how did I not realize this before.

Fic you Want to Rewrite or Expand on: I will never actually finish it but every so often I still want to go and give With the Distance Amplified a proper ending. Other than that, I kind of want to go and expand upon I Bet You Kiss Your Knuckles (Right Before They Touch My Cheek) despite the fact that I don’t want to have to watch ML canon to do so properly... oh, and also? I really need to finish the 3Below interlude to Juliet Dies; Life Continues.

Share a bit of a WIP or Story Idea you’re Planning on: so earlier today I posted a Krexie ficlet... I need to do some more editing so that the fic makes me nearly cry as much as the ficlet did and write all the other scenes because the fic is much more than just the kiss but here is the kiss from Krel’s POV:

There is a very full bowl of cat food, and multiple bowls of water. Krel follows Archie, and he finds Douxie, sitting on the floor, curled in a blanket, back to the door. Archie meows and runs away. Douxie doesn’t look up, and so Krel walks around him. Douxie’s head is bowed, and he is typing frantically at his phone, and then erasing what he wrote. There are tear tracks on his face, though they are hard to see, when most of the tears probably crawled into the cracks. Krel kneels in front of him, trying to see what Douxie is typing. The movement catches Douxie’s attention, and he startles. The blanket falls away from Douxie as he scrambles to his feet.

Normally, his reflexes are better. Not so clumsy. Not almost falling over his own long, cracked limbs. Krel reaches out to help Douxie stabilize himself, but Douxie uses a wall instead.

Douxie rips his earbuds from his ears, and for a second Krel can hear a woman singing from the earbuds before Douxie silences the music he was listening to. Douxie takes a breath. It is wet and shaking.

“Krel, why are you here?” Douxie wraps his arms around himself, and Krel isn’t sure if Douxie is cold from wearing a sleeveless shirt or just uncomfortable.

“I saw your text; I worried.”

“I’m sorry.”

Krel takes a large step towards Douxie; Douxie takes a small step back.

“Douxie, you, we’re gonna break the curse, you’re going to –“

“I’m going to die today,” Douxie whispers, looking at his own feet. Krel looks past the soft shorts Douxie is wearing to Douxie’s ankles. They have been taken over by cracks, and they’re advancing.

They are out of time. Douxie is out of time. Krel feels his lower lip start to tremble, and he tries to make it stop.

“You, you should probably go,” Douxie says like he doesn’t mean it. “I don’t… I’m not going to make you watch me die.”

“I’m not going to make you…” Krel can’t bring himself to say the word “die”, like saying it aloud will make it true. And that’s silly, that’s superstition, that’s not scientific, but every scientific way Krel has tried to save Douxie hasn’t worked. “I’m not leaving you alone; I don’t think you want to be alone right now.”

“Then can you-“ Douxie breaks off into a coughing fit. “Can you hold me? If that’s okay?”

Embrace your mistakes, like Mother would have said if she were not dead.

Krel takes another step towards Douxie, and Douxie does not step away, rather, he leans into Krel, unwrapping his arms from his own torso. They take one, two, three steps backward, to where the blanket lays abandoned on the floor. They sink to the ground, arms around each other. Krel cannot save Douxie, but he can make sure that Douxie is comfortable. Douxie clings to Krel with a surprising amount of strength. Krel ignores the urge to wrap his fingers around Douxie’s neck, just so he can keep track of Douxie’s pulse. Krel cards his fingers through Douxie’s hair instead. His other arm wraps around Douxie’s torso and his hand rests on Douxie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Krel says, hating how his voice sounds when he’s about to cry.

“It’s not your fault, all of you did your best,” Douxie says, voice choked and so very scared. Krel feels his shirt starting to grow damp. “I don’t want to die; I wish we had more time.”

“Me too,” Krel says. A tear slips down his cheek, and he tightens his grip around Douxie’s torso, like he can keep Douxie from slipping away.

Douxie jerks, and Krel fears Douxie might be convulsing, but he’s just pushing himself up so he can look Krel in the eye. “Krel, I…” Douxie coughs, turning away, and when he turns back his glowing eyes are so much dimmer. “I love you.”

Douxie goes slack in Krel’s arms, closing his eyes. Krel presses his lips against Douxie’s and hopes.

A couple tears escape Krel’s eyes as he tries not to think of how he still doesn’t know for sure if he loves Douxie the way the curse wants him too, if he’s too late and he should have kissed or at least told Douxie sooner instead of waiting.

Krel closes his eyes. Douxie’s lips are chapped or cracked or maybe both, but they are still. Passive. Krel exhales through his nose; Douxie’s lips feel dead.

Krel is about to pull away, but then Douxie starts kissing him back. And it isn’t much, just a firm press that wasn’t there before, but it is enough to convince Krel that maybe it isn’t too late.

Tagging (for the record your participation is optional): @clairekatswritingcorner, @fieryartemispublications, @mambo-no-5, @dork-empress, @brothebro, and @akozuheiwa

#my writing #krexie

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northernstaar · 6 years

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PSA: Anti call-out culture. This isn’t aimed at ANY---actually, yes. it is. This is aimed at anyone who supports bully-culture and call-out-culture. This is aimed at ANYONE who thinks its okay or funny to bully people or anyone who thinks its okay to send someone asks/anons that say “kill yourself!” “leave the RPC!” This is the reality of what’s going to happen if this culture continues. People are TOO careless, inconsiderate, etc, to realize something BAD is on the horizon with call-out, bully and hate-culture here in the RPC. Take a trip with me down memory lane. I’m not talking about 2012 RP. I’m talking about 2006 RP.

Why the hell would i choose 2006 RP? Well, it was an ACTUAL escape from real life. It was a world where a writer could broaden their writing or if not? simply just have FUN. It was a world where someone who was bullied, felt accepted. They could, for a couple hours, escape their identity and take their minds off their problems. It was a world where someone who suffered from depression, stood a chance in having their spirits lifted if only for a couple of hours. I’ve had the upmost pleasure of watching Roleplayers become actual best selling authors because of their exploration with their characters in RP. RP helped them spend time with their OCs and worlds and they went on to become amazing authors. THROUGH RP. EVERYONE minded their own business. Not just character-wise, but OOC-wise as well. Most people had a rule where they preferred NOT to disclose ANYTHING about their ooc-selves. You could speak to them of course, but jobs, family and sometimes even ooc names were off-limits. Now-a-days, people feel the need to post an entire paragraph about themselves.

Why were people so protective of their ooc selves? Because of how Tumblr RP is TODAY. Roleplay was what they did for themselves and Real life was none of anyone's business. If the people I met and still are friends with from back in 2006 still RPed, they would literally scream. There is NO privacy. People demand to know a writers: name, race, gender etc in order to be given peace and quiet in the RP. Age, I can understand. But what does it matter to you what that persons name, race, gender or sexuality is??? its none. of. your. business.

People now think that their RP character says something about the real persons views, morals, etc. That somehow? If you RP a villain, the person behind the computer is also going to go out and do those things? It’s called CREATIVE writing. Back then, RP really DIDN’T equal RL. People liked RPing with villains because they were that; a VILLAIN. They were cheeky, funny, rude, mean, etc. IT WAS FUN. You could be your favorite villain, hero, anti-hero and people weren’t concerned with the person BEHIND the screen. They were simply excited to see the CHARACTER.

WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS, YOU ASK?

This isn’t about characters, pictures, themes, or anything like that. This is about PEOPLE and what’s going to happen to them if this shit doesn’t stop.

THAT RPC CALL-OUT, BULLY AND HATE-CULTURE IS GOING TO COST SOMEONE THEIR LIVES.

Roleplay is no longer a safe place for anyone because people feel like they OWN it to a degree that they have the right to dictate what EVERYONE does. It has become the very opposite of what it was created to be for; it now is FULL of bullies and people who are simply thirsty for blood. People that simply want to see someone...what? Do you want them to DIE? will that make you happy? will it satisfy you if your level of harassment causes someone to take their own life? Oh, that’s NOT what you want? Then what DO you fucking want? Because that is literally the only thing that seems like it. The toxic RPC call-out culture is going to be the reason someone takes their own life someday. Because its NEVER just one person sending someone hate. A person that has HUNDREDS of followers, sticks a target on ONE persons back, that means there are HUNDREDS of people attack them, too. Because they’re following the crowd. No one respects anyone. People attack someone without giving a SINGLE thought as to what that person is going through on the other side of that computer. They heartlessly send “death wishes” to these people without considering that that person might be suicidal and will take that as confirmation that they deserve to die. Or someone who has been sexually assaulted, and deals with it by writing it out and people anon-hate them because THEY don’t like reading it.

Answer me this, Tumblr RPC: WHAT. DO YOU. WANT? What will make you HAPPY? Will YOU FINALLY be satisfied with yourselves if your relentless bullying and endless call outs eventually drive someone to put a bullet through their skull? a razor-blade down their wrists? all for what? a community that ISN’T owned by ANYONE. A community of people who claim to be “anti-hate, anti-bullying, anti-drama” yet are the ones who spread the MOST of it? You don’t like that broad statement of suicide? But you’re so quick to send people things like “kill yourself” “get off tumblr” “you deserve to die” when the moment strikes when everyone else is doing it, but you don’t like to think of the deeper details of it. Like the fear, agony and relief as someone puts the barrel of a gun in their mouth two seconds before they pull the trigger. Or someone that cries in pain as a sharp object slices into the skin on their wrists and rips through their veins as they try to do it as quickly as possible to get it done. You don’t like that thought, do you? Too gory? Too graphic? Too SAD? Well you weren’t happy until that happened. Are you happy NOW ? It’s okay for you to watch that stuff on TV from 13 Reasons Why, but when someone writes about it, it makes you cringe? Then take a step back and realize something: THIS. NEEDS. TO. FUCKING. STOP. If Call-out culture, bully-culture and hate-culture doesn’t get stomped out, THAT’S whats going to happen to GOOD people. Someone that had their whole life in front of them, will be buried underneath six feet of dirt and rocks because people couldn’t be satisfied until they drove them to that point.

I know what many are going to say. “That’s a little extreme! But they’re THESE types of people and THOSE types of people! THEY WROTE THIS!” Now, I’m not saying that the truly problematic people like racists, pedophiles, etc, deserve to be “overlooked”. But the solution to this is so simple? don’t interact with them? warn your friends, warn other rpers privately, WARN THEM. That’s what we used to do in 2006. But for the more people who are simply creators and are good at portraying their characters or write things that they find to be therapeutic (like sexual assault victims, or ptsd sufferers), THESE are the ones I see called out and harassed the most. Those are the people I’m talking about right now. There are people that have been victims of call-out culture have come out and apologized PROFUSELY. Yet, i see people STILL attack them? So that just tells me “No, them coming out and apologizing is still not enough! I don’t know what I want! But I want it!” Well, guess what? It’s not about RP that they will end up taking their lives, its going to be the overwhelming amount of TORTURE that PEOPLE put on them. There is RP and there is RL and once you cross into RL and harass and bully and torment people, its no longer RP. That REAL person, becomes attacked. “That’s not what we’re saying!” But that’s how its going to end. The RPC call-out culure will NEVER be satisfied until someone takes their life.

2006 didn’t NOT have its draw-backs. I’m not saying it was the IDEAL time. People were pretty vicious. BUT ONE thing that has gone missing is the desire for someone to stand up in someones defense. No longer does anyone go to someone who’s being harassed and offer support. Instead, they follow the crowd and bully that person with others to avoid being attacked themselves. There’s very few of them here in the RPC and those few? Are absolutely rare gems. There’s always those handfuls. But shouldn’t that tell you something? In 2006, “hatesites” were popular. But those hate-sites were NEVER defended. Often, people HATED them, even if the disliked the person that the site was about. They stood up for that person because hating and bullying IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE WRONG.

The day that someone DOES take their lives because of this now-toxic community, ALL who told that person to do what they did, will be a KILLER. No, you may not have put the gun in their mouths, but you encouraged them to. That’s even worse. And that will give you the title you are most deserving of.

WHAT DOES CALL-OUT AND BULLY-CULTURE SERVE YOU?

So, if and/or WHEN that happens, how long will your SATISFACTION last? You make a call-out post, your little friends like it and giggle as they send “i hope you die” to someones inbox/ims, make public posts about them, tehehe, its all fun! You sent that person to their graves with your harassment. But...what happens to your satisfaction AFTER that? It’s not permanent. But that persons death WAS. They’re in the ground FOREVER and you experienced joy from their suffering for two minutes and are done and ready to move on.

You don’t think that will happen? You’d be surprised at what ANYONE will do when you rip away their creativity, hope and happiness. That is EXACTLY what RPC is working towards. All those memes you see of people “RP in 2023: someone: -breathes; everyone: -flies off the handle;” People are FEELING that toxicity. You think its funny, haha, but its because it’s true. That tension is here. It EXISTS and it GROWS everyday and more rapidly as people embrace this mindset to “gang up” on someone. The RPC is full of PTSD sufferers, Depression/Anxiety patients who use this community as a way of coping and therapy. So, you think that I’m just being dramatic? “Oh, that would never happen. It’s just RP.” Then think again.

Why does there need to be that unnecessary fatality?

See something being written that you don’t like? BLOCK THEM.

They don’t tag posts that upset you? BLOCK THEM.

A racist or problematic RPer? BLOCK THEM.

An annoying RPer you don’t like? BLOCK THEM.

An RPer you’ve had problems with in the past? BLOCK THEM.

A pedophile-infused writing? BLOCK THEM.

BLOCK. BLOCK. BLOCK. BLOCK.

You do NOT own RP. The next time you post a call-out and follow a heard of sheep that are bullying someone? Consider, for one second, that that person MIGHT be suicidal. Even if they are the worlds most EVILEST person, driving someone to their own deaths is NEVER okay. Wanna send me anon hate? Go right ahead. Fellow mutuals, wanna drop our threads? I understand. I will not be upset. But I will NOT for one second apologize for being against bullying and not wanting ANYONE to kill themselves. If my posting in defense of those people offends you? So be it. If my touchy, visual description of what suicide IS hurts your feelings? Consider how that person feels that you’re tormenting. If you unfollow me because of my getting sick and tired of the call-out culture? Go ahead. Support call-out culture? You do you.

#psa.#i have a 102 followers #lets see if i have 3 followers total after this psa #i will not be posting triggers in this one lovelies #im sorry but this needs to be said #this is the reality of it #if people dont #WAKE UP.

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jenroseyokel · 5 years

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Awesome of the Year 2018: The Books

Happy New Year! ‘Tis the season for year end lists left and right as we attempt to figure out the best of everything from 2018. And of course, as a fan of books, music, and movies, it’s only right to get in on the list-making. Over the next week or so, I’ll be sharing my 2018 favorite lists. First up: books! This year, I set my Goodreads reading challenge at 40 books, and actually passed it. I’ve been setting arbitrary book goals for years, but I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve succeeded since 2007. Probably because of all the graphic novels and comic trades I read this year WHICH TOTALLY COUNT BTW. Ahem. Anyway. This isn’t really a best of 2018 list so much as a Here’s a Bunch of Books I Really Liked in 2018 list, split up into categories. I hope you’ll find something interesting here, especially if you’re looking for ways to spend bookstore or Amazon gift cards you got for Christmas… ;)

Newish Books by Rad Christian Women:

Every Arbitrary Book Goal should have a small correlated goal attached. This year mine was to make sure I read at least 50% women authors… and there have been a lot of GREAT new books from women writers in the past few years. If the “Christian women” section of your local bookstore makes you cringe a little inside too, check out these three wonderful books, all released in the past couple years:

Courage, Dear Heart by Rebecca K. Reynolds (NavPress, 2018)

Anyone who has read Rebecca’s writing knows she needed to write a book. She has a sharp mind, a poet's soul, a scientist's eye, and the most beautiful, tender heart. Also, she's an incredible writer who loves her readers with a love that radiates off every page. Buy a copy for everyone you know.

Wearing God by Lauren F. Winner (HarperOne, 2017) Girl Meets God was a formative book in my early 20s, and I’ve always meant to read more from this author, but somehow haven't. I finally picked up this one and oh man, for a solid month afterward I couldn’t stop thinking about it. With the eye of a scholar and the heart of a poet, Winner draws on personal stories, deep Biblical study, and a love of language to explore lesser known metaphors for God. Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren (InterVarsity Press, 2016)

Several years ago, James K.A. Smith’s Desiring the Kingdom helped me see liturgy in a new way, as not just religious practice, but the embedded routines that shape us. In this book, Tish Warren brings that idea to life as she walks through an ordinary day explores the holiness in our most mundane moments of living. You may not look at brushing your teeth or losing your keys the same way again.

Good Stories

This year, fiction reading was… all over the place? I don’t know if I read much that was OMG amazing, but here are a few that were fun…

The Fairyland Series 2-5 by Catherynne M. Valente (Feiwel & Friends, 2012-2015)

I am notoriously awful at finishing book series. I read the first Fairyland book maybe… two years ago? Yikes. Just finished the last one and wow, so fun. Colorful characters, a whimsical narrator, crazy locations, and a whole lot of heart make this Victorian fairytale meets contemporary fantasy a delight to read.

Til We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis (Harcourt, 1956)

Lewis’ contemporary retelling of the Cupid and Pschye myth through the eyes of Psyche’s jealous sister Orual. Second read for me, and even better this time around. Pretty sure this is Lewis’ storytelling at his best.

Strange Practice by Vivian Shaw (Orbit, 2017)

This was a year to embrace fun, nerdy reads. So there was the Star Trek spoof Redshirts (with a plot twist I totally saw coming... and I am not good at guessing plot twists) and my first trip into the Star Wars extended book universe (or whatever the heck they call it these days) and… this. A story about a doctor for the undead in London, trying to solve the mysteries surrounding a murderous cult and keep her monster friends safe. Not the greatest, but a fun Halloween read. I’ll get to the sequel eventually. (See also: bad at finishing book series.)

Poetry for Everyone

Another new reading practice this year: always keeping a poetry book on the bedside table. Poetry books are best for leisurely dipping in and out rather than reading cover to cover. If you think poetry is only for the ivory towers, give these writers a try and think again.

A Child's Year by Christopher Yokel (Independent, 2018)

Okay, I’m biased here, but hey! Chris quietly released a new poetry book into the world this fall, and I’m a big fan of Chris AND his poems. A Child’s Year is a season cycle, sort of like his last book A Year in Weetamoo Woods, but this time it’s anchored by a four part poem recalling the journey of seasons through childhood eyes. And according to our friend Kirsten’s 7-year-old son, he gets the experience right. ;)

The Jubilee by John Blase (Bright Coppers Press, 2017) For his 50th birthday, John Blase released his first poetry book, with a poem for every year of life. It’s rare for me to make it through an entire collection start to finish but these were just so good. There are poems about aging — the author’s and his parents’ — and poems that evoke wide spaces and natural wonder. There are psalms and parables, and meditations on dying and, yes, living. All of them finely tuned with wisdom, gentle grace, and a touch of humor in all the right places. How I Discovered Poetry by Marilyn Nelson (Dial Books, 2014)

When I heard Marilyn Nelson read her poem “Thirteen-Year-Old American Negro Girl” on the On Being podcast, I was captivated. And when I found this lovely hardcover in a used bookstore back home in Florida, I knew I needed to read more. This is a memoir in poetry about growing up in a black military family during the American Civil Rights era, told with gentle lyricism, warmth, and humor. Plus, the book itself is lovely with whimsical illustrations and family photos.

Comics!

I’m always on a quest to get more comics in my life. Plus knocking out a whole series in a couple weeks is a solid way to pad out your Arbitrary Book Goal.

Amulet 1-7 by Kazu Kibuishi (Graphix, 2008-2016)

After their father’s tragic death, Emily and Navin move with their mom to a strange old house that belonged to their great-grandfather… and so the adventure begins. In this fantasy series, the two kids find themselves in an underground world of demons, robots, talking animals, and a dangerous and powerful Amulet. A captivating and beautifully illustrated fantasy tale. Ms. Marvel 1-5 by G. Willow Wilson (Marvel, 2014-2016)

Y’all, I super want to be a Marvel nerd. But alas, I can't keep up, so I get my sister to loan books to me. Ms. Marvel is my new fave. A Pakistani-American girl from Jersey City has the power to grow, shrink, and stretch her body at will. So she’s trying to fight crime, keep up at school, and well, stay out of trouble with her parents. So fun. (Dear Disney: I really want this kid to show up in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. before it gets canceled kthxbye.)

The Legend of Wonder Woman by Ranae De Liz and Ray Dillon (DC Comics, 2016)

Weren’t we all mildly obsessed with Wonder Woman after the 2017 film? Another one I borrowed from my sister. A solid take on Diana’s origin story that’s accessible for comic n00bs (ahem, like me) who can’t figure out where to begin with beautiful art and a lot of heart.

The Classic I Finally Read

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen I always try to tackle either a thick intimidating novel or an unread classic in the wintertime. This year, I worked on my Austen deficiency and discovered I relate a little too much to Elinor Dashwood.

What’s Next?

In the new year, I think my goal is less about numbers and more about reading widely. I liked the 50% women authors goal because it helped me actively choose to support women writers. This year, hoping to read more books by authors of color, explore some new ideas and genres, and hopefully do a better job reading deeply and taking notes. I’ve got my eye on Book Riot’s Read Harder Challenge too, perhaps as a way to dig into new things I wouldn’t normally notice. And yeah... perhaps a monthly reading life update is a thing I can do here on the blog. :)

If you’re curious to see the full list of What I Read This Year and follow along with me in 2019, feel free to follow me on Goodreads!

What were some of your favorite reads in 2018? And what are your goals for the new year? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments!

#art #books #reading #awesome of the year #readers of tumblr #reading list #favorite books #best of 2018 #readers are leaders yo

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