#incredibly fucked up .

[achillesangst]

Thinking retrospectively about how much of a fucking dumbass Ed is in season 1 lmao

#like hey bestie if you don’t want your first mate to kill your boyfriend #maybe don’t explicitly tell him to kill your boyfriend #food for thought! #ofmd #ofmd s1 #ofmd Ed #Blackbeard #ofmd Izzy #Izzy Hands #edizzy #they’re sooooo #incredibly fucked up

[alostlittleriverlotus]

the fact my previous psychiatrist acted like I was an entitled brat for not wanting to work and literally made me cry (he could see me, it was a video call) and didn't stop and treated my schizoid avoidant ass like I'm some awful evil manipulator that doesn't think anyone cares about them is disgusting.

If I had a dollar for every time a mental health professional made me cry, more suicidal, or hate myself and blame myself, I would have enough money to buy a meal. I don't know the exact number, but hey, it's happened a lot.

And then my parents wonder why I am so resistant to therapists and psychiatrists and shit like that.

Especially after my last therapist just downplayed when I brought how a situation was humiliating (don't care if you reword it, it was a humiliating situation and still is, I've just learned to not care and to be okay with it) and also tried to downplay me saying I can't work like "no you just don't want to work and nobody wants to work, but we have to" when i was literally just learning I was disabled mentally and physically and then I completely shut down after that. Or when my other therapist before her, I told my mom I wanted to talk about something big (my trauma with my friends) and she told myself therapist so my therapist started pressuring me to tell her and would judge me as if I didn't want to get better because anxiety toolkits don't work for me and I was treated as if I WANT to be this way.

Literally my second therapist was the only decent one. She did help with my GAD and some of my night delusions and anxiety. But for a professional field that is supposed to diagnose you, so many of them, ignored diagnosing me. Hell, I still never got an ocd diagnosis professionally even though they agreed that what I experienced was ocd. So the only thing I'm diagnosed with is GAD. And the fact that I was so close to an autism diagnosis, but my mom said she didn't notice any symptoms in me so my psychiatrist just stopped with it after that even though my memory could pinpoint several exact things when those autistic traits showed in me especially since i have a better memory of my early childhood than the majority of my childhood.

Ah. Mental health professionals. They do suck the majority of the time. I've seen so many people helped by others and it honestly always made me feel like it was a failing in me. Nah, it's just a flawed system filled with flawed people and ableism. And I do not have the energy, the vulnerability, or the strength to go through until I can get a good one. It's more detrimental than helpful for me to seek help so I don't. But I also know I can manage my own symptoms 87% of the time and I've worked hard to make sure the 13% of the time I can't has me protected from harm.

But honestly. Mt experiences have sucked and I hate the fact people still push me to seek help. They can't just accept me saying "I don't want to, I don't like them" as an answer. Love that I have to basically trauma dump to my parents to get them to back off and actually, ya know, listen to me. Anyway, river has worn out their energy levels and will now proceed to recharge their battery alone. Nappy time for river by not functioning and only focusing on special interests to fuel joy.

And honestly this is just the experience I've had. I can't imagine how much worse it can be for others too. My parents always say I have to stick with it for them to know me. But I want to cry after two sessions and not in the healthy way. They make me feel awful about myself and have made me consider dying just to avoid it or just because they make me feel so at fault for everything. I can't even get into my trauma or open up because even just talking is exhausting. Not to mention I'm supposed to lead, but my autistic schizoid mind doesn't do that. You give things, I answer. I don't know how to lead conversations aside from with MA. I don't even lead convos with my girlfriend or other safe friends unless I'm in a really good mood. I hate the American mental health systems. Until there's a major change or I need medication, I ain't bothering with them. I got my anxiety meds and they help a lot as is. That's all I fucking need. Not to mention the guilt I feel related to money since I'm financially reliant on my parents and the trauma around that cause of them making me feel guilty for having to spend money on me. So my experiences have only led me to feeling worse about myself, stressed, miserable, and suicidal. So yeah. Even if there is a chance I'll get someone good, I ain't gonna bother. I'm far too fragile for it. I don't want to risk my well being like that even if it had a chance to be better.

#actually narcissistic #actually autistic #therapy #therapists #bad experiences #bad mental health experiences #cw ableism #tw ableism #tw ableist doctors #tw ableist professionals #tw ableist mental health professionals #tw ableist therapists #shitty therapists #traumatizing experiences #incredibly fucked up #psychotic #self diagnosed #tw suicide mention #fragile #system #personality disorders #American mental health system #actually borderline #actually histrionic #actually traumatized #actually disabled #why I don't trust or like therapists #good for anyone that has good experiences #but I have only had bad ones and I am not stable or safe enough to risk my fragile state in the chance I could get a good one #they make me cry and hate myself so much

[words-etched-in-her-skin]

Ropes anon!

I would like to start this off with a formal apology to Angsty Anon with how I came at you in my ask. I am so sorry to hear that your account got hacked and I would like to apologize. I am sorry with how I lashed out.

Theo, just to for-warn you, I may be sending in some smut later as my way of apologizing(I’m typing this out before I leave work)

It's sweet of you to apologize, dear! ♥️ Any and all comments are now being forwarded to the asshole who hacked their account. But truly, we can only go by what an ask says when it's sent anonymously.. which is what makes it so easy for people to pull shit like this and bully others under false pretenses 😒

And you know me, I'll never complain about smut finding it's way into my inbox, ahem 👀👀👀👀

#depravity answered #anonymous #resident evil village #anon hate in general is just wrong on so many levels #so going out of your way to do it under someome elses identity is just #incredibly fucked up #not re8 asks

[eliasofsunhillow]

actually i really want to watch Mad God again

#fucked up Movie #incredibly fucked up #more fucked up than titane

[cemeterything]

are we still doing this because i have a late submission

#🐉 #this is less about fan content and more about that awful lazy one size fits all #'10 years later theyre happily married with a cute little nuclear family' trope #because ive read some genuinely incredible fics about characters who would Not fucking have kids #ending up with accidental pregnancy scares or child acquisitions that get treated with all the nuance #and thoughtful handling they deserve #but also. i reread one of my favourite fics yesterday and when one character jokingly brought up the idea of children #and the other reacted with genuine visceral disgust and said what hideously awful parents theyd be #i lit up like a fucking christmas tree

[littlemizzlinguistics]

Studying linguistics is actually so wonderful because when you explain youth slang to older professors, instead of complaining about how "your generation can't speak right/ you're butchering the language" they light up and go “really? That’s so wonderful! What an innovative construction! Isn't language wonderful?"

#linguistics #gen z slang #english #as people in the reblog pointed out! #most gen z slang comes from (or was appropriated from) aave #honestly I was just excited to talk about how people in my field actually get excited about non standard uses of English #instead of ridiculing speakers #and I tagged incorrectly and didn’t point out the very real issues of language and power and appropriation inherent in modern slang #in that much of it was appropriated #and even that which experiences language change in the wider culture still originated in aave #aave is just as linguistically valid as any other English dialect because it is a proper language #and the grammar is incredible!!! #habitual be is fantastic and an excellent example of how a richer case system or a certain case can render an adverb unnecessary #and the phonology is just beautiful #anyway I’m very sorry #I fucked up

[connorsok]

before I played Disco Elysium, I thought Harry du Bois was a co-worker in the precinct you work at and, reading about him being such a fucked up guy, I was literally planning on avoiding him as much as possible in my playthrough... colour me surprised when I found the badge and found out the main character's name

#literally playing the game dreading when this fabled du bois character would pop up #then i find the badge.... see Harrier du Bois on screen #and i just go.... oh fuck... its me... im the problem guy #disco elysium #harry du bois #i love getting facts about media so incredibly messed up #it adds to the fun so much #1k #soy yo #disco elysium spoilers #rbs turned off cause im tired of seeing this in notes

[inkskinned]

you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

#spilled ink #warm up #can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically #i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason #it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism. #and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out #we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you. #this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism #where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off. #your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell #at the industry - you are probably not listening . #anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit #but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance #> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally #> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field #> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :) #(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice #i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what. #cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men. #so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT. #instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them. #which btw. is like. actual feminism.)

[lunarheslwt]

.

#having literally the roughest day ever #im not sure why the first days of this year #has been so ridiculously hard #and bringing back every single problem and negative thoughts #back to the front #incredibly fucked up #that im spending my precious day off #in utter shambles #I'm so annoyed at the fact that im wasting my day away #by spiralling like get a grip! #incredibly tired #i know im approaching a burnout within my several years long burnout #IDK if it's bc of work #or just how.... meaningless life feels #i wanted to WRITE #not cry on the couch tf

[isjasz]

The Promised Neverland manga spoilers!

[Day 201]

Everyone blame cherrysherin2 (go check out this art that made me absolutely lose it) I take no responsibility

#dddaily4sherin #The Promised Hermitopia #desert duo #grian #goodtimeswithscar #ft cub cameo #trafficblr #my art #comic #tw blood #tw impalement #tw scopophobia #dialogue taken from chapter 93 of the tpn manga ofc!! as well as some panel redraws but i changed a lot around #this got out of hand sO INCREDIBLY QUICK HELP ITS NOT SUPPOSED OT BE FULLY COLORED #so sorry to the people that have absolutely no context I swear im planning to do a premise comic thingy soon (probably) #im just struggling to design xisuma bc how the HELL DO U MAKE HIM XISUMA WITHOUT THE HELMET ASJKDHAHUD O7 #this au is not only living in my brain rent free. its brainworms are eating up the fucking walls

[markscherz]

Just learned that tadpoles with injured tails sometimes regenerate them with extra legs

[src]

So that's neat.

#the more you know #frogs #science #animals #zoology #developmental biology #holy shit #this is called a homeotic transformation #and I think I have only really heard about them in fruitflies #so seeing it in frogs really fucked me up #how incredibly cool #I always thought the creatures from Pandora could not exist in vertebrates #because homeotic transformations in the *middle* of the trunk were basically impossible to achieve in a survivable manner #but it had not occurred to me that you could just… add more to the end #this changes everything

[vilaneeve]

Can NOT believe that Harper was the fat friend in wizards of Waverly place like wtfff

#wtfffffffff #shes so skinny what in the world #her face was round thats it #nothing more #incredibly fucked up

[jizzbian]

recent chain saw man drawingns hehe heee he

#fuck inlove power chainsaw man everytime i see her i start tearing up crying she is so so incredibly real #most reasonable jade kin #csm #chainsaw man #power csm #power hayakawa #denji #denji hayakawa #makima #autism

[emkini]

I think about Zuko and Ursa a normal amount

#atla #avatar #avatar the last airbender #zuko #ursa #atla fanart #em draws #illustration #I had heart of stone from SIX playing on loop while drawing both of these #because I enjoy hurting myself #I am on a fucking roll right now apparently #cannot go five seconds without drawing something #the stuff I've been posting is so incredibly self-indulgent but y'know what. I do not care #normally i'd have a modicum of shame but nope #if I want Zuko to look sad in his mom's robes then that's what he's going to do <3 #privileges of being an artist #yes it's 4:30 in the morning shut up #id in alt text #edit I fixed his wack ass face

[psqqa]

yes, yes i know edgeworth’s big wet eyes and loser boy personality have captivated us all, but listen. listen.

phoenix wright

phoenix “genuinely unable to reconcile the girl on the stand with the girl he dated for eight months, a cognitive dissonance so profound it’s ultimately explained by them being literally two different people, but which he first sits with for five years and does not talk about at any point to anyone” wright

phoenix “don’t mention that name to me. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to think about it. i am just going to keep myself in this state of perpetual crisis mode focus on other people’s problems until eventually i die and get to hang out with mia on the astral plane and never have to deal with any of these emotions ever again” wright

phoenix “overnight loses his career and reputation and sense of identity while gaining an adopted, probably pretty traumatized eight-year-old daughter, and rather than leaning on his friends for help, or getting therapy, or taking any time to process any of this, he *checks notes* spends seven years dedicating all his free time and energy to investigating the weird fucking circumstances around it and maintains a friendship with the guy he suspects was behind it all” wright

phoenix "runs across a burning bridge and falls through it, half a day after the game establishes that he is terrified of heights, because his friend is on the other side of that bridge" wright

phoenix “i sure felt surprised. maybe i had my poker face on” wright

phoenix “looking back on it that was actually a pretty dark period in my life” wright

phoenix “don’t ask me how i got started. i don’t remember” wright

phoenix “only you stood still, your eyes calmly watching” wright

phoenix “sometimes, life just sucks” wright

just

phoenix wright

crunchiest man in the world

and all i wanna do is chew and chew and chew on him

#ace attorney #where are all the people gnawing on phoenix's bones so white?? #i need to find the phoenix bone-gnawing corner of this fandom PLEASE #this is me asking for the Phoenix Fic btw #where is the fic meditating on phoenix's whole mental state in general? #where is the fic about how it's phoenix's cageyness and poker face and flat affect under stress that is the hurdle? #the relationship ramifications of being actually really fucking hard to read when it comes down to it? #where is the fic about the week of his disbarment? #the one detailing the panicked blow by blow of it rippling through his social circle while he stands in the eye of the storm? #the one that ends messy and anxious and unresolved because it's week 1 of 7 years? #where is the birth of phoenix wright: poker legend fic? #where is the art school/theatre major phoenix fic? #no not the able to art/act phoenix fic but the kind of person who chooses to go to art school/study theatre phoenix fic #where is the supremely disinterested in pop culture phoenix fic? #where is the actually incredibly meticulous and competent phoenix fic? #capcom can tell me all they want that he's essentially an adhd disaster flying by the seat of his pants making it all up as he goes #but that's not what they're actually showing me #they're the ones who created an in-fiction legal system that functionally necessitates that #and the nature of the game is that phoenix is almost always proven right so rather than him coming off as hare-brained #his opponents rather just come off as short-sighted. either negligently or maliciously so #and the choices the writing makes in service of retaining mystery and audience suspense in fact function to make phoenix a person #who is astute and puts the pieces together but is cautious in his conclusions #i will grant them that phoenix does tend to lose sight of his overarching goal in getting drawn into proving or disproving minor points #the fact that edgeworth on the other hand never loses sight of this or where the various arguments stand in relation to it #is his sexiest trait as a character by far #but those minor points are actually functionally critical to the ultimate argument phoenix makes #so even though i do read that trait through the game mechanics i do also judge the other characters for being dicks about it #my point is phoenix wright does in fact have the character of a lawyer and is conventionally good at his job fucking fight me #my point is that you all have had 20 goddamn years to Rotate this man #my POINT is that there should be Intricate Fucked Up Meditations On Phoenix that rewire my fucking brain and i NEED to know where they are!

[quirkle2]

it's nice to feel childlike wonder again

#qkdraws #tears of the kingdom #totk #totk spoilers #tears of the kingdom spoilers #listening to epic awesome incredible minecraft songs while working on this #creeper . aw man #haven't finished the game quite yet im gettin there #takin it slow. soaking it all up like a sponge before i take on the boss #just finished the last region tho so :) plot soon ? #i love this game so much #it's so insane. this game is Insane #it makes botw almost feel unfinished compared to it. which is fucking bonkers #i loved botw sm . i didn't think it could be improved upon This Much #the legend of zelda #tloz #legend of zelda #loz #for anybody curious he's wearing a white-dyed hylian hood‚ a brown-dyed glider piece‚ and the ember pants #my fit <3 #i changed some of the glider piece colors to the ace flag cuz i do what i want