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babymetaldoll · 3 years

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DIWK: Chapter eleven: "Can't get you off my mind"

|Word count: 9,7K

Summary: Reader struggles with her feelings for Spencer and tries to work with Seaver. Neither of those things works. Spencer's headaches are getting worse. Also, it's Anderson's birthday! Things are getting a little more complicated.

Warnings: Hardcore fools in love. It's getting painful to watch. Spoilers of Criminal Minds Season 6 Episode 11. 25 to life. Cursing, and frustration. Alcohol consumption. Assholes being blind.

A/N: Please don't hate me! but these two are just so blind, it hurts!

Masterlist

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Spencer's point of view

Psychotics in a break always evolve. Well, I was psychotic at that minute of my life, but the only things evolving were my migraines. They were driving me insane. I could feel them taking over my life, my head, my sanity. I could feel my good judgment slipping through my fingers every day, especially since (Y/N) had started acting strange.

It wasn't like she had stopped talking to me or hanging out with me. But I could feel a void growing between us every day. And it was driving me insane. I couldn't understand where it had come from. I just knew it was eating me alive.

Morgan was having a bad day. One really bad day. The man he had vouched for parole had just murdered a man after nearly 70 hours of freedom, and now the team was trying to solve the whole case. Don Sanderson claimed he had been framed guilty of the murder of his wife and baby daughter, but after 25 years in prison, the first thing he did as a free man was to murder someone else.

It made no sense.

We had visited the murder scene. Hotch was still on a leave, so it was just Prentiss, (Y/N), Morgan, Rossi, Seaver, and I. Emily was in full "training agent's duty," walking Seaver through every step of the procedure, which was very nice of her. It was her first case after the incident in New Mexico, and she was eager to do better work than that time. She was nearly jumping all over the place, taking notes.

I talked with Garcia on the phone because he was worried about Morgan, and then I walked to (Y/N), who kept a safe distance from Emily and Seaver.

- "The bullets were in the other room, but the gun is right here,"- I said as I looked around the room. (Y/N) turned to me, ready to speak her mind, but Ashley spoke first, which annoyed her beyond belief.

- "Maybe killing him was an accident."

I looked at my best friend as Prentiss and Ashley continued talking. She just crossed her arms and walked around the room. She surely wasn't dealing well with having Seaver around. I wanted to ask her something, anything, but nothing came to mind.

- "Sanderson was out of prison for what, Reid?"- I answered Emily's question but didn't even turn to look at her. My eyes were following (Y/N), moving around that room.

- "At the time of the murder, 51 hours."

- "He's free for 2 days and change? What's the big hurry to find this guy?"

- "Are you ok?"- I whispered and stood next to (Y/N) as Prentiss and Ashley kept analyzing the scene.

- "Yeah, just tired."

- "Do you wanna have dinner with me tonight? I didn't see you this weekend, and I thought we could do a movie night."

(Y/N) took her time to answer, but finally, after a moment, she nodded and agreed.

- "Movie night sounds nice."

- "Great, ‘cos I rented your favorites."- I might have sounded more excited than I should, but I had really missed her those days, and I may or may not have watched and read Pride and Prejudice a couple of times.

- "Did you? Really?"

- "Yes, I was hoping to spend some time with you."

- "Are you coming, Spence?"- Seaver interrupted us and looked from the door- "Rossi called. They are interviewing Sanderson at the BAU."

- "Yeah, we are coming,"- I answered and looked away. (Y/N) shook her head and walked outside in silence the second Prentiss called my name, and I couldn't follow her. Which, I guess, was a good thing.

- "Is everything ok?"- Emily stayed behind with me. She raised an eyebrow, watching (Y/N) walking out of the room as Ashley waited for us by the door.

- "Yes?"- my answer came more as a question because I honestly didn't know what to say- "Everything is ok, Emily."

- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have the feeling (Y/N) isn't thrilled to have agent Seaver around."- I almost chuckled at her words and just nodded.

- "It's not like she has made it hard to tell. She literally yelled at her at the jet."

- "Is she mad at me because I am supervising her training?"

- "I don't know. I don't think so… she hasn't told me so. Well, she hasn't talked to me much lately."

- "Why? Did you fight?"- Prentiss wide opened her eyes and moved a little closer to me, trying to read my expressions.

- "No, I don't know what's going on. She just… we…"- I couldn't find the right words to explain my mind, and I think Prentiss knew it, ‘cos she didn't push me.

- "You should talk to her."

- "Yeah, we are going out tonight."

- "You have a date?"- Ashley walked over and asked me with a short smile. I cleared my throat and shook my head right away.

- "No, just meeting with a friend."

- "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to intrude,"- Seaver blushed and looked at her shoes. Prentiss smiled, probably reading something I wasn't seeing.

- "Come on, Rossi is probably waiting for us at the BAU, and I'm guessing Morgan is not in a good mood."

For the rest of the day, I tried to find a moment alone with (Y/N). I needed to talk about what was going on. But it was impossible. We worked late, rereading the original case files, trying to find something that might help us help Sanderson. But it was frustrating and nearly impossible.

So around nine, we decided to call it a day and go home.

- "Are you in the mood for Chinese?"- I looked at (Y/N), gathering all the things as I stood next to her desk- I thought maybe we could get some take-out from that place you love on our way home.

- "Sounds nice. What are we watching?"

- "Pride and Prejudice, Coraline, maybe Beetlejuice. You pick, I've got all your favorites,"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, looking at me in silence- "What?"

- "So you rented movies ‘cos you wanted to hang out with me?"

- "Yes."

- "You usually don't rent movies. You rent documentaries."

- "Yes, but I wanted to do something different this time. I told you I missed you."

(Y/N) blushed as she stood in front of me, biting the inner part of her cheek, trying not to smile. I looked at her, nearly beaming, excited to see her reaction. I had felt so scared to lose her, feeling her pushing away from me. It was a balm watching her so happy, and just because I missed her.

- "I love Pride and Prejudice,"- Ashley said from her desk- "I've read that book so many times, I think I can recite it."

I looked at her and nodded with an awkward smile. I knew she was just trying to be nice ‘cos she was new at the BAU, and she was also trying to be nicer to (Y/N), to get on her good side. But that wasn't the way to get to her. Maybe I had to talk to Seaver and explain that my best friend is a special woman.

Neither of us answered her comment. We just stood there, looking at her in silence, until Anderson walked over and waved.

- "Hey agents, before you go, I wanted to tell you, this Friday I'm celebrating my birthday, and I'd love to have you over."

- "Of course, Sonny!"- (Y/N) wide opened her eyes and clapped. She had called him "Sonny" since they sang "I got you babe" by Sonny and Cher in the karaoke at the Christmas party the year before.

- "Happy birthday, Anderson!"- Derek waved.

- "Thank you! We'll gather at a bar nearby. I'll text you the address."

- "We wouldn't miss it for the world,"- Prentiss added and smiled- "Do you mind if we tell JJ and Garcia?"

- "Please do! I haven't seen JJ since she left, and it would be amazing to have her over. You too, agent Seaver."

- "Thank you!"- Ashley smiled and nodded- "Count me in."

I could feel (Y/N)'s eyes rolling, annoyed, even when I wasn't even looking at her at that minute. I grabbed my bag and my coat and held her hand.

- "Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!"- that was all I said as I dragged her out of the bullpen. Emily waved at us, and Derek cut me an evil grin I could decode easily. I just ignored him and turned to the door.

- "Have fun, pretty girl!!"- Morgan chuckled at his own words, and (Y/N) just smiled and winked. Why? Probably to show him she didn't care about all his teasing, ‘cos nothing was ever going to happen between us.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It might have been childish, but I had to take advantage of Morgan's innuendo just to show Seaver things could happen between Spencer and me. It had been immature and silly, but I just felt like I needed to do it. It was like a stupid animal instinct that forced me to mark my territory.

I shouldn't have done it. Spencer wasn't mine. Not even close. And I had to stop being jealous of Seaver. If he didn't want me, he had the right to be with anyone else. But just the thought of Spencer being with someone, anyone, made me feel sick in my stomach. I hated being in love with him. I honestly did, ‘cos I didn't want to ruin our friendship with useless feelings. Spencer wasn't in love with me. He was just my friend. My very thoughtful, cute, adorable, and lovable best friend.

I was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Even that second, sitting on that couch with Spencer, I couldn't focus on the movie. I pretended, but I didn't even pay attention to it. All I could think of was how warm his body felt sitting next to me, like a gigantic magnet that called for me. I could simply just move my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. Or lean in closer, rest my head on his shoulder, feel how he wraps an arm around me, and melt in his embrace, like I had done a million times before.

But I couldn't. I had to stop that daydream of a domestic and romantic life with Spencer. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't sane. But most of all: I wasn't real. And I was never going to move forward in life if I kept thinking those movie nights meant something.

- "More popcorn?- Spencer handed me the bowl, and I shook my head- "You have been awfully quiet considering we are watching Coraline."

- "Well, we are supposed to watch the movie in silence,"- I answered and didn't take my eyes from the screen.

- "You have never done that."

- "Maybe I wanted to give it a try."

I grabbed a bunch of popcorn just to keep myself busy. I could feel Spencer's eyes on me, and it was killing me ‘cos I knew I didn't have to look at him. If I did, I wasn't sure how I would react. I was overthinking everything and anything you might think of.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah. Sure."

No, I wasn't.

- "(Y/N), can you look at me?"- Spencer paused the movie and turned to me. I hesitated, thinking my best friend is an amazing profiler, and I didn't want him to know how I felt about him ‘cos it didn't want to ruin our friendship.

After a few seconds, I moved on the couch and raised an eyebrow. His brown eyes stared into mine in silence for a moment, trying to read me.

- "What is going on?"

- "Nothing,"- I lied and frowned- "Why are you so obsessed with the idea something is going on?"

- "‘Cos I have this… feeling."

- "You got a feeling?"- I chuckled, trying to be funny but failing completely. In the end, I just stared into his eyes for what seemed to be a million years but were, in fact, just a few seconds.

- "Are we ok?"

- "Of course, we are, Spencer."

- "You never call me that"- he frowned immediately, almost hurt.

- "What?"

- "You just call me Spencer when we are on a case, and there are people around us. But when we are home, I'm never Spencer to you."

"When we are home." That killed me. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted that to be our home, to have a life with Spencer.

I was in love with my best friend. I was spending every single hour of every single day of my life with him. That wasn't right! If I knew he didn't have feelings for me, why was I doing that to myself?

- "(Y/N)?"- Spencer's voice took me from my thoughts. He looked so worried I didn't know how to convince him there wasn't anything wrong, considering it felt like everything was wrong.

- "What is it?"

- "Please tell me what's wrong."

- "I told you, nothing is wrong. I just called you Spencer. That's your name. It's a lovely name. I had never met someone called Spencer ever before in my entire life. You just called me (Y/N), not pumpkin, cupcake, chipmunk, or ma chère,"- he sighed, frustrated and maybe a little annoyed.

- "Nothing is wrong, honey. I'm really ok. Just tired, maybe feeling a little invaded with Seaver in the team"- I knew he knew I hated her, so I had to blame her in a way.

- "Why?"

- "You know I'm not her fan... I hate working with her,"- I kind of chuckled at my own words because I was trying to make a joke out of my awful reality.

- "It's just for a few weeks,"- he tried to reassure me, probably to ease my mood, but the truth was I hated how it always felt like he was defending her.

- "One week, one day, it's the same torture,"- I shook my head and turned to the screen again.

- "Don't be dramatic."

- "I'm not dramatic! I just hate how she is always playing the victim ‘cos her father is a serial killer. She is clearly overcompensating! Besides, we have all gone through bad shit in our lives, and no one is using it as a tool to get things in life."

- "I don't think that's what she is doing."

- "No? Do you think she belongs at the BAU? She is a trainee agent who almost got killed in her first assignment. She works hard, and she is not stupid, I give you that. But she is not top of her class. She is not there ‘cos she is the brightest. She is there ‘cos Rossi, Hotch, and probably Prentiss felt bad for her after what happened and decided to let her hang around and learn something for a while. If you ask me, I think there are more qualified trainee agents we could use in the team, but Seaver played her "my father was a serial killer" card and got the job. And who knows how many times she had done it before, and how many times she will use it again."

Ok, that may or may not have been too hard, but it was exactly how I felt. There was a deep silence in Spencer's apartment. The movie was still paused, and after my speech, Spencer just looked at me with wide-opened eyes. I just sighed and regretted every word that had left my lips ‘cos they made me sound bitter and shallow. But at least they didn't tell him the truth: that I was jealous of the thought Seaver might get his attention. Scared that he could look at her the way he had never looked at me. Just to imagine I could bump into them kissing terrified me.

- "Maybe I should just go home,"- I whispered and tried to stand up, but Spencer grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto the couch.

- "No, please. Stay,"- his voice was a whisper but still managed to shake me.

- "I don't wanna argue with you, honey,"- I thought I would speak too loud, but no, I actually murmured, matching his tone of voice.

- "We don't have to talk about Seaver anymore. Just watch the movie with me. You love this movie."

- "You love this book,"- I added and looked at him. He smiled. God, that smile is going to be the end of me.

- "It's just so dark! But it has such a good message."

- "Not all nice people are good people?"- I just spoke about what the book had meant to me ever since I was a little girl, and Spencer analyzed the whole plot again in less than a minute.

- "I was going to say overcoming your fears, but I like your analysis the most."

- "Of course, you do, ‘cos it's better,"- I teased and stuck out my tongue to him. Spencer just stared at me and nodded.

- "You might be right. Yours is much better,"- he kept his eyes on me for a few more seconds and continued smiling until he snapped from his thoughts- "More tea, ma chère?"

- "No, honey, thank you. I'm good."

I cut him a quick smile and sat back on the couch, trying to relax. I knew it was going to be impossible, but I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him. I had stayed home alone the whole weekend, hidden underneath a pile of blankets, in something that looked pretty much like a fort, according to Lu's words. She had stayed with me Saturday night ‘cos I told her I needed a girl's night. It was my poor attempt to stay away from Reid, and she was happy to help.

Ok, Lu didn't know I wanted to stay away from Reid. I just told her I needed a girl's night. I really didn't want to deal with all her questions. You have the right to avoid dealing with your feelings from time to time if you can. And I told Spencer Lu wasn't feeling so good, so I wanted to spend some time with her. He sounded disappointed ‘cos he was making plans for our weekend off but understood completely I needed to be with my friend.

See? Spencer made it so easy falling in love with him! He was so thoughtful it freaking hurt!

I couldn't fight the feeling anymore and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt he was waiting for me to make that move, ‘cos in a few seconds, his arm was wrapped around me protectively.

- "I know Lu needed you, but you missed a whole weekend of cuddling on this couch watching your favorite movies with me,"- Spencer whispered, bumping his head carefully against mine. I bit my lips and smiled, not taking my eyes away from the screen.

- "We do this pretty often"- that was all I could answer.

- "At least once a week for the last… thirteen-month two weeks, and… four days."

- "I love how precise you can be when it comes to our friendship, honey."

Calling it a friendship hurt me at that point, but it was what it was. Spencer chuckled and just nodded. We enjoyed our company in silence for a moment. His fingers drawing figures on my arm and my head resting on his shoulder, letting his smell invade me. It was heaven.

We were finally watching the movie… though what I really wanted was to watch a movie with Spencer instead of actually watching it. But that was the nature of our relationship. We were friends. Friends don't watch movies.

- "No way,"- I argued when his cellphone rang and interrupted our moment- "Please tell me we don't have a case."

- "We don't,"- he quickly answered and picked up the phone- "Hello? Hi… it's ok, tell me"- he didn't stand up or moved from me. He kept holding me tight against his body and finished his call by simply saying.

- "We can meet tomorrow at seven at work. I can help you with your test."- I hated those words immediately.

- "It's not a problem, see you tomorrow. Bye."

I was afraid to ask ‘cos I knew the answer. The knot on my stomach was the fair warning of what had just happened. That bitch had ruined our moment yet again.

- "What are you doing tomorrow at seven?"- I did my best to sound as casual as possible, but I knew that conversation might not end well. He hesitated. I could nearly hear his neurons struggling to find the correct answer to that question. Until he simply whispered:

- "Please don't get mad."

- "Why would I?"

- "‘Cos Ashley just called to ask me to help her study for a test…"

I took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, doing my best to calm myself down at least a little before speaking.

- "I'm not mad, Spencer,"- I tried to lie as smoothly as possible. I even cut him a smile and looked into his hazel and confused eyes.

- "I know you don't like her, but I had offered to help in case she needed any… what?"

- "I'm not mad, really,"- I smiled again and turned to the screen- "We said we were not going to argue, and besides, she just called to ask you for help. That's not something to be mad about, right?"

Technically I wasn't mad. I was beyond furious.

- "Are you sure?"- he narrowed his eyes, baffled- "Not that I want you to be mad or something, but we just argued over her, and you said you felt invaded by her… so…"

- "Yes, but I don't wanna argue anymore. I don't want you to think I hate Seaver because I don't. And most of all, I don't want her to be the reason we fight. I don't wanna fight with you. Ever."

Spencer sighed, relieved, and smiled, pleased with my answer.

Spencer's point of view

Something felt off the following day when I walked into the bullpen and saw Ashley waiting for me by my desk with two cups of coffee. (Y/N) had said everything was ok, and I decided I wanted to believe her. But I had an awful feeling about everything that was going on.

- "Hi!"- Ashley smiled and handed me a cup- "Figured you might appreciate one of these for making you wake up earlier."

- "Thank you"- I smiled awkwardly and held the cup- "Are you ready?"

- "Yes, I brought all the notes from the class and my books…"- she set them on her desk and giggled as I went through her notes, sipping my cup- "I feel back in high school…"

- "Why?"

- "I wasn't the best student back then, and I always had to ask my classmates for help,"- I couldn't help but think of something (Y/N) had said the night before.

- "And are you a good student at the academy?"

- "Yes, I think. I'm not in the top three of my class, but I have good grades. I'm just not… a genius, like you."

Her eyes lingered on my face, and her cheeks blushed after a few seconds. I frowned, not getting why she was embarrassed. Was it just ‘cos she didn't have the same honorifics as I did?

- "I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified,"- I simply answered, remembering how many times in my life I had ever said something like that. Way too many, to be honest.

It was hard to focus on the subject when Seaver kept asking me personal questions every five minutes. She seemed more interested in knowing about my childhood in Las Vegas than learning about profiling and victimology.

- "Good morning, kids!"- I turned around and smiled at Morgan, so glad to see him I might have actually felt a little relieved- "What are you doing here so early?"

- "Hey! I was just helping Ashley with her test,"- I stood up and walked from her desk over his- "And about you?"

- "I have a meeting with Strauss in a while, and Sanderson's case didn't let me sleep. It was better to come here and start working than to keep on rolling on my bed. But I'm glad you are here. Wanna help me go through a few extra files?"

- "Of course!"- I left the notes I was holding on the closest desk and walked with Morgan to the conference room.

I considered our session with Seaver finished, mostly ‘cos for the last ten minutes, she had been asking about me. What I liked doing outside the BAU, favorite bands, hobbies, anything. I answered her questions and kept trying to push her to study. I didn't want her to blame me if she failed her test.

- "Hey, kid."- Morgan whispered after a few minutes and took a look around, just to make sure no one else was near. I looked at him confused ‘cos he was never that careful to say anything in the office.

- "Is everything ok?"

- "Yes?"- I answered, though it sounded like a question ‘cos I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

- "Are you excited to have Seaver on the team for the next month?"- I shrugged and kept reading the file in my hands- "Come on, Reid. She is clearly sweet to you."

- "I don't know what you are talking about."

- "She has a crush on you, kid."

- "No, she doesn't!"

- "Come on! Are you blind?"- I stared at Morgan, not getting what he was talking about- "Man, Seaver gives you loving eyes even when we are on the field!"

- "She does not!"- I knew I was blushing. I hated those kinds of conversations, and Morgan always made me feel awkward when he hinted I should flirt with a girl or just talk to them.

- "And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything like that ever again."

- "What's the matter, kid? You don't think she is pretty?"

- "I don't look at her that way!"- I buried my head in a file and tried not to notice how he scanned my whole face, looking for micro expressions.

- "I see. Are you afraid (Y/N) might get jealous?"- Morgan chuckled at his words and tapped on my back a few times, making me flinch- "Relax, man. I'm just kidding!"

- "I don't like those jokes, Derek. Really."

Morgan kept his eyes on me a little longer and nodded. I did my best not to show how I really felt, but somehow, I failed miserably.

- "You know, kid, it would be much easier if you just told (Y/N) how you feel about her,"- Derek's voice was soft and even more concerned than I thought he could be. I nearly shook when I heard him, so I failed my mission of remaining stoic.

- "Reid, it's ok. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for her."

- "I don't… like talking about this,"- I whispered and closed the file- "Can we just focus on work, please?"- Derek nodded and stayed quiet for a few seconds. But I knew he wasn't done yet.

- "Reid, listen. I know you are not really fond of sharing how you feel with us, I know you share almost everything that happens in your life with (Y/N), and as your friend, I've always felt glad and relieved to know you have her. But if there's something you can't tell her, and you need to talk to someone, you can count on me. You know that, right?"

I nodded and looked at him. That conversation took me back to the year I was using and had to keep it secret from my friends. I knew I could count on Morgan if anything happened, but I really wasn't comfortable sharing my thoughts, feelings, and fears with people. (Y/N) made it so easy. Was it ‘cos I loved her? I just always felt I could tell her anything. That had never happened to me before with anyone.

- "Morgan, Strauss was looking for you,"- Rossi walked into the room holding a cup of coffee and stared at us, raising an eyebrow- "Everything ok?"

- "Yes, we were just going through some files,"- Morgan stood up and grabbed the case folder- "I'll be right back."

- "I'll finish reading all these,"- I said and pointed at the box filled with more files. Morgan nodded and walked away.

- "Do you need any help?"- Seaver walked over that second and smiled at me. I stood up and shook my head.

- "Thanks, but I'm basically done. I'll just go make myself another cup of coffee."

- "I'll go with you!"- she smiled and waited for me by the door. Rossi looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I just cut him a straight smile and walked to the kitchenette, followed closely by Ashley.

(Y/N) walked into the bullpen that minute. I watched her as she opened the glass door and took out her jacket. It felt like the time passed in slow motion as she walked. I couldn't help it, I just smiled as soon as our eyes crushed, and for a few seconds, life was perfect. Just to know she was there, smiling at me made everything worth living.

See why I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling? They would make fun of me. Morgan would never understand the agony and the dimension of my love for her. He would just tease me. I wonder if he had ever actually been in love 'till that point in life.

I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me ‘cos I was sure they would make fun of me, and that was the last thing I needed at that moment. So I did what I knew best: I locked it all inside and waited for it to burn me alive.

- "Good morning, chipmunk!"- I stood by (Y/N)'s side and smiled as she left her things on her desk and turned to me. She just looked into my eyes, and my brain turned into mush.

- "Good morning, honey bunny. Did you sleep well? You look tired."

- "Yeah, I just got up extra early today to help Seaver, and now I was helping Derek with some files."

- "Do you need a hand?"

- "Sure!"- I didn't even analyze my answer. I just spit the words, thinking it would be amazing to spend some time with my friend, working together.

- "Hi (Y/N), how are you?"- that until her face changed completely when Seaver waved at her- "Spencer, do you want me to make your coffee?"- I froze and turned to her in silence.

- "No, thank you. I'll… just… wait a little before having another one. I just had my third cup."

- "Three cups in already"- (Y/N) narrowed her eyes and turned to her desk, giving me her back- "How long have you been awake?"

- "Not as long as Morgan, I tell you that,"- I pointed at him, walking out of Strauss's office and heading back to our conference room.

- "Let's help him, then."

(Y/N) walked quickly, and I followed closely. I wished I hadn't said no to that coffee. I really needed one to go through that morning.

During that morning, Derek questioned Sanderson again and finally took him and Rossi back to his house, trying to trigger any memory that might help us crack the case. Meanwhile, the rest of the team and I stayed back in the office, repeatedly going through the case files. So far, all we knew is that a team had attacked Sanderon's home and framed him for the murder of his wife and daughter.

The whole day, I focused on work ‘cos it's my favorite escape, and clearly, there was something more important to think of than whatever was going on with my life. But my head was killing me. The migraines were starting to get more intense, and I think they got worse the more thinking I gave to my relationship with (Y/N).

- "It sounds like we need to profile a dormant killer"- Ashle's voice surprised me when I was pouring myself a cup of fresh coffee in the kitchenette.

- "A very lucky one. He was essentially given a gift, a patsy in the form of Don Sanderson, and he'll do anything to protect that story."- I answered, thinking I didn't want to be in Sanderon's shoes, trying to clear my name of something I hadn't done.

- "When someone has a secret this big, everything becomes a lie."

Somehow, Seaver's words hit me. I'm sure she didn't mean to strike a nerve, but she did. I had been in love with my best friend for too long, and now it was starting to affect my life. I didn't want it to get in the way of work, and we were at work most of our time together. But there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep on faking everything was normal.

- "He'll most likely be pathological,"- I nearly choked at my own words as I tried to shake away the thoughts from my head.

- "So, we're looking for a liar in D. C. I thought we were trying to narrow this down."- Ashley tried to joke and waited for my reaction but didn't get anything. Instead, I just cut her a straight smile and walked away.

By the end of the night, Morgan had gotten the unsub. But I was still a mess. It had been the longest day in weeks, not just ‘cos I had barely slept the night before, but because I was overthinking everything that happened around me. It was exhausting.

- "Are you coming, Batsy?"- (Y/N) asked me and grabbed her bag after putting on her coat. I stood from my desk and nodded.

- "Yes, ma chère."

- "Where are you guys going tonight?"- Derek asked and smiled at us- "No. Don't tell me, planning this year's matching Comic-Con costumes"- I chuckled and probably blushed, busted.

- "We already settled those, Derek. We are way ahead of schedule this year,"- (Y/N) answered and stuck out her tongue to him.

- "(Y/N), can you give me a second before you go?"- Prentiss stood up and smiled at my friend, who just nodded and walked with her to the conference room. Derek and Seaver looked at me.

- "What?"

- "Do you know what's that about?"- Morgan questioned me.

- "I have no idea."

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Please don't freak out,"- Emily smiled and turned to me after she closed the door behind her back- I just needed to clear the air a little bit between us.

- "What? Why? Is there something wrong?"

- "I don't know, I just feel you have been acting weird lately, and I needed to know if it has something to do with me supervising Seaver."

I nearly gasped. Not ‘cos I felt insulted but ‘cos I felt caught. I knew I hadn't been subtle about my feelings for Seaver. I just didn't want them to get in the middle of work.

- "I haven't been weird with you, Emily, and I don't think I've been acting strange."

- "Come on, you don't like Ashley, and I offered to supervise her while she works with us."

- "Yes, but neither of those has anything to do with me and you. We are friends, Emily."

- "I know, and I wanna honor that friendship, (Y/N). I love working with you. I just want you to know I'm not… I just… I'm trying to help Seaver start her career."

- "I understand that. We are ok,"- I tried to reassure her, but I knew she could read between my bullshit.

- "Do you think you could try to be a little bit nicer with her?"

- "Nicer?"

- "Yes, (Y/N). She is making an effort to get along with the team, and you've been giving her the cold shoulder since day one." -I crossed my arms on my chest, obviously annoyed and defensive.

- "I have been friendly with her, Emily. I just don't like her, and you can't force me to be her friend."

In my defense, in my mind, that argument didn't sound as childish as it did when I said it out loud.

- "Don't be selfish! Just because you are jealous, you can't deprive her of the opportunity of a lifetime with this team."

Emily's words were knives against my ego and nearly destroyed my facade. I stared into her eyes and wondered how to get out of that situation without hurting my friend. I could pretend I didn't know what she was talking about, but we both knew that was bullshit. I could actually try to tell her how I felt, but it was so humiliating I refused to open up. So instead, I just nodded and smiled at her.

- "I'm sorry that's how you see me. I'll try to be a better version of myself tomorrow,"- and needless to say, I turned around and left.

- "(Y/N), please wait,"- but I didn't stop walking. I refused to continue talking about Seaver with anyone. I refused to deal with feelings or the real world.

- "Everything ok?"- Spencer asked me the second he saw me appear by his side.

- "Yes,"

- "You are blushing. Did you and Prentiss argue?"

- "No, honey. We didn't argue. She just wanted to check on me ‘cos she was worried I was mad at her. But that's all."- Spencer just nodded and looked at me in silence.- "Why don't we just go home and forget about today, honey?"

Easier said than done.

So Seaver was getting under my skin. And it was getting harder to control. That week was hell, and I didn't want to show it. Eventually, I talked with Emily again, and I tried to explain to her I wasn't being mean with Seaver. I just didn't like her. And though I gave Emily my word to be friendlier with Ashley, the circumstances weren't really helping.

Things didn't get any better than Friday night. No, if anything, that was the night that made it all worse. Prentiss, JJ, and I got together at Garcia's house and had a few drinks before leaving for Anderson's birthday. I was making my biggest effort to have fun and ease my mind. Spencer said he wasn't sure he'd make it ‘cos he was tired, and automatically I almost turned out the whole deal, but Penelope literally dragged me to her house and put a beer in my hand.

- "You, my young lady, are going to put some makeup on, a hot dress, and we are going to party!"

- "But PG, I'm not…"- but she didn't let me out of it. Instead, she shushed me and raised an eyebrow, looking pretty convincing.

- "No "but." You are going. End of the conversation."

So she dragged me to the bar, along with Prentiss and JJ, who had left Will with little Henry to join us for what was promised to be one epic girl's night.

Anderson was so happy to see us. He was a sweetheart who was always willing to help us. I knew technically he didn't work at the BAU, but he was always there whenever we needed him. We all felt he was part of the team.

- "Sonny!!"- I yelled and hugged him tight

- "I'm so glad you girls made it!!"- and his smile was priceless- "JJ!!"- he actually yelled when he saw her and ran to give her a triple bear hug.

- "Grant Anderson!! I can't believe it's really you!!"

- "I've missed you so much!! How's Henry?"

- "So big!! I feel I haven't been out with friends in so long!"- JJ looked around, and her face kept lighting up as she recognized more friends and acquaintances from Quantico. I looked around and recognized Morgan already flirting with a woman at the other side of the bar.

- "Looks like chocolate thunder knows how to keep himself busy,"- I joked, and Garcia turned immediately.

- "Have you ever seen him shirtless?"- she asked in a lower voice and leaned a little closer to me, just to make sure no one would listen- "I'm sure it's illegal looking so good in real life."

I laughed and turned to see Prentiss walk to the bar to get us the first round of drinks. Ok, I'll admit it, I was having a great time. I know I didn't want to go at first, but spending time with my work friends and not just with Spencer was refreshing. Not that I didn't do fun things with the rest of the team, but my relationship with Spencer, I mean the friendship that pretty much looked like a relationship, consumed most of my time. But I just loved being with Reid more than anything.

But one night without him wasn't going to be the end of the world. Right?

Right.

Anderson and I danced and laughed. It was all very innocent. And though I've never considered myself a hot chick or whatever, a few guys asked if they could get me drinks, and I kindly declined. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand or anything. I just wanted to have fun with my friends.

- "And where's Reid?"- Anderson asked as we reached our table, where Prentiss and JJ were catching up and laughing.

- "Home, he said he was tired."

- "And? When are you two going to come clean about your relationship? You know, having the confirmation of your romance would be the best birthday present you could ever give me."

- "Grant Anderson, you nosy bastard!!"- I hit his arm and heard his laughter- "You know we are not dating!"

- "Come on!! I mean it! You have to get together! You are like the FBI sweethearts!!"

- "Shut your face!"- Anderson laughed even harder and took a look around the bar

- "So, if you are not dating Spencer, I have a friend who asked about you."

- "Who? What friend? Is he here?"- Garcia shouted question after question as she had overheard the whole conversation and even moved closer.

- "His name is James. He saw you on the news a few months ago, at a press conference with Rossi, and has been asking about you ever since."

I frowned and looked at Garcia, who was wide-eyed staring at Anderson. I had no idea what was going on. It was bizarre.

- "No, thank you?"- I whispered, not even sure of what I should answer at that- "I'm very flattered, Grant, but… I'm really not looking for someone right now."

- "You are not?"- Garcia asked me, and I just shook my head.

- "No, I have too much going on in my life, with work and… well… what we do…"

- "Really?"- Anderson sounded a little disappointed- "Well, in case you change your mind, James is…"

- "(Y/N)? Can I talk to you for a second?"- Garcia grabbed my arm and crawled me to a side of the bar.

- "What? What is it?"

- "Munchkin, you know I love you."

- "Yes, I love you too, PG."

- "That's why I feel like I need to be honest with you, ‘cos you've always been so sweet, and we've known each other for years now, and I feel like if I don't tell you this, you are never going to forgive me."- Penelope was nearly hyperventilating as she spoke.

- "Ok, what is it? You are scaring me."

- "You have to tell Reid how you feel."

- "What?"

- "He has to know! You have to tell him!"

- "I don't wanna talk about what, Penelope"- I tried to walk away from her, but she stopped me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.

- "No, (Y/N). He loves you, I'm not a profiler, I don't even play one on tv, but I am sure what I see in his eyes when he looks at you is love… ‘cos it's the same you have when you look at him!"

- "Son of a bitch!!"- the words escaped my lips as my heart nearly left my chest.

- "No, (Y/N)!"- but Garcia lost my attention that second, ‘cos all I could see was Spencer Walter Reid walking into the bar and Ashley Seaver hanging from his arm.

- "What do you want me to tell him, Garcia? To have fun with his new girlfriend?"- I pointed at the door, and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

- "Ok, no. There has to be a reasonable explanation for that!"

- "Yes, but Spencer being in love with me is not the explanation. I'm gonna get a drink."

Spencer's point of view

I was surprised to get Ashley's phone call that night. When my phone rang, I was ready to go to bed. My head was killing me. I had already scheduled an appointment with the doctor for some exams. I was starting to have a bad feeling about what those headaches really were, and I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on. Not even (Y/N).

Actually, of all people, she was the one I wanted to keep in the dark. Why? ‘Cos ever since we met she had taken care of me, I didn't think it was fair. She had taken me into her life and given me a place in it. And sometimes, I felt I was a burden. She helped me overcome all of my traumas and even my drug addiction. She introduced me to her best friends and made me part of her life. (Y/N) had taken trips with me to Las Vegas just to see my mom, ‘cos she knew it was hard for me to do it on my own. If it hadn't been for her, I would have probably spent over a year without visiting her. Now, we took a weekend to see mom every few months.

Why would I trouble her with some headaches? It wasn't fair.

When Ashley called, for a moment, I thought it might be (Y/N), asking me to pick her up. But no. It wasn't her that time.

- "Hey Spence, I'm sorry to bother you, but… are you at Anderson's party?"

- "No, actually, I'm in my house."

- "Why? I thought you were invited too."

- "Yeah, I know, and I was, but I'm kind of tired, and I wanted to come home and get some rest. Why? Are you at the party?"

- "No, but I was getting ready to go. But now I feel kind of awkward asking you."

- "What? What is it?"

- "I just… wanted to know if you could come with me. I'm so sorry, Spence, I didn't know you were tired. I just… I wanted to go to the party, but I feel kind of silly going alone. I wanted to ask Prentiss, but she left with (Y/N) and Garcia, and I felt so awkward asking…"

I wanted to groan, roll in my bed and hide under my pillow. But Ashley was the new girl, and she deserved to have some fun.

- "Don't worry, I'll take you there,"- I know I whispered my answer ‘cos I didn't really want to do it, but somehow I felt it was my duty.

- "Really?!"- and by the excitement in Ashley's voice, it was clear that was what she wanted to hear.

- "I'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

- "Thank you so much, Spence!!"

But when I walked into the bar, I knew I had made a mistake. I felt it in my guts. The same intuition I never followed in my personal life, only on the field.

I quickly looked around as Ashley held on to my arm tightly and walked into the bar with a big smile. I soon found Prentiss and JJ talking at a table filled with empty glasses, and my heart jumped inside my chest at the warm, familiar feeling that my friends gave me. I missed JJ very much. And not just as a team member but as a friend who had been taken away from us. (Y/N) always said I didn't know how to deal with change, neither did she, and the shifts in the team always affected me.

Soon I saw Morgan too, talking with Anderson and some other agents. Garcia had to be close then, but I couldn't see her or (Y/N) anywhere around.

- "Come on! Let's get a drink!"- Ashley said and crawled me to the bar.

- "I don't drink and drive"- I said, and she pouted.

- "Come on! You are no fun! Just one!"

- "No, just water. Thanks,"- I turned and scanned the place. Everybody was there, and they seemed to be having fun. Penelope waved and walked to me suddenly. She cut me a short smile and grabbed my arm.

- "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"

- "I didn't want to come, but Ashley insisted and…"

- "Hi!"- Ashley appeared by our side and handed me a bottle of water- "I'm so excited to be here! We really needed to decompress after everything that happened this week, right Garcia?"

Penelope stared at us, trying to formulate an answer. I could see her making her bet to say something, but she just didn't. Instead, she just turned around and walked away.

- "Is she ok?"- I didn't know how to answer that, ‘cos Penelope's reaction surprised me. Ashley just looked around and grabbed my arm again.

- "Come on, Spencer! Let's dance!"

- "No, I don't… dance, sorry."

Lucky for me, Prentiss showed up and invited us to sit with her at her table. I don't know if she noticed I was uncomfortable, but I was glad to see her. Being in that bar made me feel pretty awkward and exposed.

I had never been much of a party person. I wasn't used to bars and gatherings until I joined the BAU. When I first met Derek, he tried to take me out a few times and be my wingman. It's obvious he failed at that mission. Meeting people at a bar is the most complicated equation I could ever try to solve. It doesn't work for me, no matter how hard Derek pushed me to do it. He said I had to rely on what made me feel comfortable. But no. It wasn't that I couldn't meet people. It was that I didn't want to meet anyone once I met the woman of my dreams. Even when I knew she could never be mine.

When (Y/N) came along, she started hosting these fun "dinner parties" with Frank, Lu, and Mikey, which changed everything. It was the first time I was hanging out with people my age doing things I actually liked doing. It wasn't about drinking or picking girls in a bar. It was about playing Jenga, or charades, eating pizza, and talking about movies and sometimes even books.

(Y/N) said her friends considered me part of the gang, which was all I ever wanted to hear. That I belonged. It's kind of sad when you think about it, but I don't care. I had never felt like I belonged anywhere, and they made me feel like I was one of them. They took me to their rock shows, and I jumped along with the crowd, knowing I wasn't an outcast there. I was with my friends.

You don't know how good that made me feel. And for years, they were my social comfort and cocoon. Then, when Rossi joined the BAU again, he started hosting fancy dinner parties at his house, and I got to hang out with the whole team without being at a bar, pushed to meet people. And it was so good. (Y/N) always said Rossi's arrival had a cohesive effect on us. Not because he brought us together, but the circumstances of his arrival and everything that happened that first year.

This team is no stranger to trauma, and that's a fact. I think Rossi's dinner parties gave us a space to be ourselves, relax, have a few drinks and enjoy our time together. I think that's when we stepped from being friends to be family.

And I hadn't had one before.

I hugged JJ tight as soon as I saw her smiling at me. I hadn't seen her ever since her goodbye party, over two months before, but we had talked on the phone a few times.

- "I've missed you so much, Spence!!"- she said and held my face with both hands- "You and (Y/N) owe me two babysit nights,"- and I laughed, thinking we promised we'd take care of Henry so she and Will could have a date, but we were called for a case.

- "Wait! It was one night!"- I argued, chuckling- "Why is it two nights now?"

- "‘Cos I lost a very exclusive reservation due to the two of you."

- "Technically, it wasn't our fault, we were called in for a case..."

I smiled and sat next to JJ, and Prentiss sat next to me. Ashley stood by the table and smiled at JJ. Right, they didn't even know each other.

- "It's very nice to meet you, Agent Jareau. The team talks very highly of you,"- she shook JJ's hand and smiled.

- "Ashley, right? Prentiss was just telling me you will be taking your remedial training at the BAU. Congratulations, it's a fantastic team to work with."

- "Thank you,"- I took a look around, still trying to find my best friend around. But it seemed useless, and I was starting to feel worried.

- "Where's (Y/N)?"- I had to ask.

- "She was with Anderson a minute ago,"- Penelope said and looked around- "I am going to look for her and bring her here in a second. I'll be right back."

And so, she was gone.

Prentiss and I pretty much interrogated JJ about her new job and the new team she worked with at the pentagon. I sipped my water and half-listened her answer, ‘cos most of my head was trying to register what was going on around me. No, actually, I was trying to find (Y/N). Penelope had been gone for half an hour looking for her, and I was starting to think something weird was going on. Besides, my head was killing me, and all I wanted was to go home. But I hadn't seen JJ in weeks, and I couldn't waste a chance like that.

Ashley talked with Prentiss too, and every once in a while, she tried to engage in conversation with me. But to be honest, I couldn't really concentrate on anything. I just wanted to know (Y/N) was alright.

- "Excuse me,"- I stood up slowly and looked at my friends- "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

- "Can you get us another round on our way back?"- Prentiss asked and smiled guiltily.

- "Sure."

- "Do you need help?"- Ashley tried to stand up, but Emily stopped her.

- "He got it, don't worry."

So I was left on my own. I walked around the bar. In my mind, I kept telling myself I was "looking for the bathroom," but I knew very well I was indeed trying to find (Y/N). I had been in that bar for an hour, and I still hadn't seen her. I was worried.

I walked around the bar and found Anderson. He seemed to be a little shocked to see me there but smiled and hugged me. It was weird hugging people, still. But Anderson was part of the team. It always felt like it. We had known each other for years, and somehow it was like he was in the background of our daily basics.

- "Have you seen (Y/N)?"- I asked him, and he widened his eyes- "What?"

- "Yeah, she's right there, actually… "- Grant Anderson pointed and turned around- "Later, Reid."

- "Bye"- I didn't even look at him. I just turned and looked around to see (Y/N).

But my best friend didn't notice me. She was too busy kissing some guy.

I stood in front of her, not knowing what to do. Her eyes were closed, and her arms were around his neck, so clearly, she wasn't in distress, and no matter how badly I wanted to take her from him, I just couldn't.

For a minute, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood there and stared at (Y/N), trying to understand what was going on. I always knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had never gotten such a brutal reminder. Not even when she was dating Paul. Watching her kissing someone else was shocking. The way that man put his hands on her waist and held her close to him, just like I always dreamt of doing, was painful.

Painful. That was the only word I can explain how it felt.

I stood there for a minute or so. I really don't know how long it was, but it felt long enough to burn in my memory everything I needed to torture myself with for the rest of my life. I stepped back after a minute. It might have been longer; I really can't recall. And all I managed to do was to walk out of the bar and reach my car.

I opened the door and slammed it as I sat behind the wheel. I wanted to cry and yell. But I didn't do either of those. Instead, I stayed still, staring at the nothing in front of me, trying to erase that fresh memory from my head. But it was impossible. (Y/N) was making out with some guy inside that bar, and there was nothing I could do to stop her. So I did the only thing I could do at that minute. I started the car and got the fuck out of there.

–

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @muffin-cup @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @babebenhardy @meowiemari @archer561

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: June 23th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #Criminal Minds #Matthew Gray Gubler #Babymetaldoll writes #spencer reid x reader #Spencer Reid fanfiction #hurt #angst #fluff #fools in love #criminal minds re write #criminal minds fanfic #derek morgan #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #david rossi #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfictions #diwk

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im-someone-i-guess · 3 years

Text

Every book I read in June

Despite my supposed reading slump, June had been a wonderful month of reading

1. The Queen's Assassin

31/5 - 1/6

two dreadful stars

I tried so very hard to like it but I only accomplished tolerating it.

If one were to approach me, asking the book's plot, I would simply shrug for I have no idea myself. Usually I'd remember the main points at the very least but it seems I recall absolutely nothing, despite just finishing it moments ago. Well, to remember I'd have to understand but I seem unable to do so either. The characters were typical, some scenes did make me smile and I appreciate them being apart of the one bed trope but otherwise I don't quite care for them. I am not as invested as I am with other book characters. The writing style is also something that disturbed me very much. I'm going to be very blunt; it felt like reading a wattpad book. It's like something my eleven old brother—whom is very disinterested in literature may I add—would write. However, I did spend sweet money on the second book so I shall be reading that as well. :)

2. The Queen's Secret

1/6 - 3/6

one merciless star

I barely tolerated the last book but I despise this one. I skimmed through the whole thing, incredibly bored and regretting my choices. I wish I never laid my eyes on this, I am now condemned to forever wonder. Both covers were pretty, which is why I bought it in the first place. Good marketing but I just wish it actually had some plot that didn't bore me to death. If one were to punish me, I think they would walk over to my bookshelf, pick up this book and force me to reread it.

3. These Violent Delights

2/6 - 2/6

five beautiful stars

chef's kiss

4. From Blood and Ash

2/6 - 20/6

two disappointed stars

so um, despite everyone's endless enthusiasm and encouragement. i got bored, i found myself not caring for the plot or the outcome :)

5. Spin the Dawn

3/6 - 10/6

four fantastic stars

i'd put my review but it contained spoilers

6. Six of Crows

8/6 - 9/6

five stars cause duh

7. Crooked Kingdom

10/6 - 16/6

five obsessive stars

8. Queen of Hearts

16/6 - 18/6

four stars cause meh

This book was an incredible journey to Wonderland. Dinah was leaning towards "I'm not like other girls" trope but it wasn’t as infuriating or irritating and I quite like the plot. I'm intrigued to read the next book which I already own along with the third:)

9. The Wicked King

21/6 - 25/6

five shimmering stars

It was so interesting and i read it too many times to count. At one point, I was probable addicted to this very book. I did not expect the ending, like all Holly Black books, it's unexpected and it's just the perfect example for a faerie book! (review written by thirteen year old ry)

10. Ash Princess

25/6 - 27/6

four okay-ish stars

Was it some magical journey that blew my mind with epic twists at every turn and romance that warmed my heart? No, not really. The world building was excellent, the concept of magic was wonderful and the romance was quite sweet but it wasn’t THE BEST. It seems like every basic ya fantasy book I've read and I don’t really mind. Hence the four stars and impressed smile I'm donning as I write this review:)

11. The Queen of Nothing

30/6 - 30/6

*inserts cover photo cause i went over the limit*

five faerie stars

no review :)

#ry reads #books #bookworm

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jonismitchell · 4 years

Note

hey arden do you have any book suggestions? i don’t have any preference/specific genre i’m looking for but i just need something new to read while in quarantine :)

you’re in luck! i happen to be a massive nerd and i’m going to compile a gigantic list of recs for you. here we go.

the only classics worth reading: i want to preface this by saying i did not pick these books because they are written by women. they are just good and they happen to be by women. this reinforces my theory that only women can write.

emma by jane austen: better than pride and prejudice by a long shot. the characters are funny, the romance is swoon worthy (don’t think too hard about the age gap), it says very smart things about society, and i could write an essay on how it revolutionized fiction.

wuthering heights by emily bronte: my all time favourite book about how awful people are and how the cycle of abuse perpetuates itself. it’s absolutely exceptional in every respect. i won’t go into too much detail because i don’t want to give anything away, but you should definitely read this book.

jane eyre by charlotte bronte: i’m not saying i’m a bronte sister stan, i’m just saying i’m a bronte sister stan who can’t be bothered to take five seconds to copy the accent. anyway, i read this book when i was a wee lass and i stole it from an apartment in nice. the characters are genuinely amazing, and it’s an early feminist book, which i think is fantastic.

the handmaid’s tale by margaret atwood: you don’t get more feminist classic than this. set in a dystopian future where women are only valued for their ability to procreate, atwood examines gender roles and still delivers a brilliant adventure story. if you end up liking this, try the power by naomi alderman, which essentially tells of the opposite society.

the bell jar by sylvia plath: an introspective story about mental illness. it’s the type of writing that i feel hits hard at about any age, and i remember feeling really haunted after finishing the whole thing in a night. definitely high up on my list of amazing novels.

feel good books: sometimes, we need to read something that’s not revolutionary but still radical. don’t worry, i got you. here’s the lasagna of novels.

finding audrey by sophie kinsella: this book is funny, heartwarming, and makes you think. as someone with anxiety, i felt really represented by a lot of audrey’s behaviours. her mom is lowkey nuts, but i feel like that shouldn’t impede your enjoyment of the book.

the shadowhunters series by cassandra clare: LISTEN. objectively cassandra clare is a terrible person. objectively these books are not good. but they are amusing! they are comforting! they are interesting! also, there are a million of them. start with the infernal devices: clockwork angel, clockwork prince, and clockwork princess. set in old old london, this series features the only valid love triangle ever, girls who like to read and kick ass, and boys who are soft and play the violin. next, head to the mortal instruments, which is pretty much drinny fanfiction. don’t think too hard during these and you’ll have a good time. after that, read the short story collections the bane chronicles and tales of shadowhunter academy. if you got really into the lore (like me) these books are funny and a little captivating. finally, get to the highlight of this whole thing, the dark artifices. the one true love of my life, emma carstairs, stars in this brilliant trilogy about forbidden love. yes, it’s super corny, but all these books are super corny. if you can’t get enough of the universe (or accidentally got hooked) try out the collection ghosts of the shadow market. once you finish that, you can read the first books in the new series(es), red scrolls of magic and chain of gold. all of these books are jam packed with magic and vaguely plagarized demons. not brilliant, but a fun ride.

emma mills books: emma mills writes cute happy contemporary romances and i can’t recommend her enough! first & then tells the story of a jane austen obsessed nerd who crushes on a jock. which could actually be about me, and if you trust my judgement, you probably like me enough to read this book secretly written about me. foolish hearts gives theatre kids and boy band stans alike a chance to feel represented in what could be one of the sweetest (and funniest!) romances of all time. famous in a small town gives band kids and people who are clarinet-sized a chance to shine, and includes a country singer who struck me with her similarities to taylor swift. (our song is even referenced in the novel!) by far my favourite would have to be this adventure ends, which is hilarious and heartbreaking and talks about fanfiction without looking down on it. all of these books are definitely feel good and will make you believe in heterosexual romance.

mildly upsetting fantasy: just fantasy trilogies that will hurt you.

the poppy war by r.f. kuang: wonder what harry potter would be like if the magic system was complicated and the murder was high? no, like high on opium? and the plot was based on chinese military history? look no further than the brilliant work of art that is the poppy war. this book is by far the best fantasy out there, i cannot exaggerate that enough. also out is the equally compelling sequel the dragon republic, and the final book in the trilogy is set to hit shelves this year. please please please read this amazing book.

six of crows by leigh bardugo: six dysfunctional criminals try to steal from the most heavily guarded prison in the world. what could go wrong? this novel is intelligent and witty, and will keep you on the edge of your seat as you’re dragged into this scheming and brilliant world. in my opinion, this is the only valid book in the grishaverse. this and its equally well plotted sequel, crooked kingdom.

the gilded wolves by roshani choski: this one is definitely similar to six of crows in its funny and smart main cast. the magic system is super unique and the plot is endlessly enjoyable. it’s also set in old old paris! so france is always fun. there are also tons of mythology references and disaster bisexuals. and apparently the sequel (the silvered serpents) comes out july of this year.

scythe by neal shusterman: the first book on this list by a man, wow! i’m so inclusive. anyway, this genius trilogy is set in a world where humanity has solved almost every single problem, except overpopulation and corruption. an elite order called scythes are tasked with killing and managing the order of death. it’s like the hunger games went took a political science seminar. everything spirals out of control very quickly and the characters are so great. the sequels are called thunderhead and the toll respectively, and the overarching tale is gripping.

the cruel prince by holly black: i’m not kidding when i say this is the only faery book that matters. this book stars a human girl who grows up in the magical world and more violence than is statistically necessary. but it’s good! this is also a trilogy (every book on this list is the first one in a trilogy, i am the worst, i’m sorry) and the sequel the wicked king is quite possibly the best scheme-y magic politics thing i’ve ever read. and the final book, queen of nothing, doesn’t disappoint by a long shot.

contemporaries no one talks about

the boy who steals houses by cg drews: this book has autistic representation! and it’s written by book blogger paperfury, who is even more of a delight on the page than she is on the internet. be warned, this book includes heavy mentions of abuse and graphic violence that are unavoidable. but it will break your heart and stitch it back together again. also, waffles.

some boys by patty blount: this book deals very candidly with the aftermath of rape and public pressure. it is also one of my favourite books of all time for its treatment of ‘bro culture.’ and the heroine, grace, is incredibly strong. i read this book in maybe fourth grade? and it essentially inspired me to start giving a damn about social justice. so yeah, there’s that. (i also haven’t read it since fourth grade, so someone will have to tell me if it holds up).

emergency contact by mary choi: i’m rereading this for the second time right now and it’s still really awesome. it tells the story of an unlikely friendship, big dreams, and does it all through a really interesting narrative voice that manages to effectively capture two very different people. it is yet another romance, but it’s really wonderful and heartwarming. (unlike the other two books in this section).

children’s books that treat kids like people

a series of unfortunate events by lemony snicket: this is quite literally my favourite series of all time. it’s upsetting and kind of wrong once you think about it a lot, but it’s also maybe the best thing ever written. i literally cannot explain how much i love these books. there are thirteen books, so you’re definitely in for a good, long time.

the mysterious benedict society by trenton lee stewart: three books about propaganda and smart kids and found family. i literally do not know what else you want out of a series. it’s fun and there’s only a little bit of kidnapping, so it’s very family appropriate compared to the other books on this list.

wuh luh wuh

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid: i KNOW no one shuts up about this book but you really should read it. like, there’s nothing that will ever top the narrative. the drama, the glamour, the girls who love girls, you know? all the components of a brilliant novel. it’s also got some truly poetic prose and genuinely beautiful moments. the reason everyone talks about this book is because it’s amazing. send tweet.

girls of paper and fire by natasha ngan: (massive trigger warning for sexual violence) haha! another violent fantasy book that’s part of a trilogy! thought you escaped that, didn’t you? this magic system is brilliant and the book is so good. it’s a breath of fresh air into young adult fiction. and did i mention it’s a wlw romance? i read this during a math class and had to go to the bathroom to cry when i finished it, because there was finally a heroine in a fantasy novel who i could see myself in. there’s also a sequel, girls of storm and shadow, that is equally amazing.

it’s not like it’s a secret by misa suigura: wlw girls with soft poetry vibes. complicated family lives. candidly dealing with racism, sexism, and homophobia. this book is really good. simply read this book.

i have even MORE book recs but i decided to cut myself off because this is the longest thing i’ve ever written for tumblr. hope you enjoy!

#angxlsrolltheireyes #book recs #asking with you

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eliotquillon · 4 years

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the h.i.v.e timeline

(this is going to end up massive, so sorry in advance to all my none h.i.v.e followers).

obligatory disclaimer that while i’m trying to follow canon fairly closely here, i know i might have missed some details; this is a writeup of a google doc i made immediately after my feb reread and while i have reread books 1 and 2 since then, i haven’t had the time to double check anything from dreadnought onwards. there are also canon elements that i am deliberately ignoring/reordering, and i will make it clear that i am doing so when those details come up.

part one: student ages

currently, we only have two canon ages: raven, who is thirty-one in deadlock (or thereabouts; i’m basing this off her being 16 when she tries to kill nero and that being in the 15 years ago flashback), and otto, who we know turns thirteen just before he is sent to h.i.v.e (the specific age comes from the blurb of book one). we also know that nero taught diabolus and duncan cavendish as students, and that h.i.v.e was founded in the 1960s, which seems vague but actually gives us a lot to work with; cavendish’s records being faked implies that h.i.v.e does provide public examination results for its students, and that h.i.v.e’s entry year was deliberately chosen to parallel the english private school system (which, unlike the state system, is split into pre-prep, prep, and senior), where entry to senior school coincidentally takes place at the same age of entry to h.i.v.e

when it comes to making age estimations for students during the various points of the series, i’m making three assumptions:

1. all students in otto’s year are thirteen when they start h.i.v.e, just like otto.

2. otto turns thirteen in august 2006, making him one of the youngest students in his year, assuming the h.i.v.e school year starts in early september like most british schools. most of the ‘age’ section of this hinges off otto, because he’s the only student who is given an age and is seen celebrating a birthday.

3. the six years spent at h.i.v.e span what would be year 9-13 + the first year of university in the british system. in the american system this is grades 8-12 + the first year of university. therefore, students graduate at the age of nineteen.

h.i.v.e:

every first year alpha is thirteen.

the overlord protocol:

this is still set in first year, but is months after the events of book one. otto is still thirteen, but we can assume that, at this point, some people have turned fourteen. my money would be on wing, shelby, and possibly franz as being the older kids in their year (and therefore fourteen), but the semantics don’t really matter.

escape velocity:

this is the first book with a sizeable time skip - we see otto trying to steal the end-of-year exam for second years. this means everyone is now at least fourteen, and because (in my personal experience) late july/august birthdays aren’t very common, i’d wager that shelby, wing, laura, and franz are all fifteen; i’m excluding nigel here because i think, based off his physical description, he’s probably one of the younger kids in his year, and otto is obviously still fourteen, nearly fifteen. this is supported by raven telling otto that she was almost exactly the same age as the core four when she went on her first mission; we know from deadlock that she was sixteen, which would only be a year (max) older than the alphas at this point in time.

dreadnought:

dreadnought is set at the start of third year; we know this because the 93-percenter is specifically a third year field trip. this means that everyone, including lucy, is fifteen.

rogue:

rogue is where our perfectly constructed timeline slips, because it seemingly ages otto backwards - it is set thirteen years after we see otto being cloned in the tank, which would make otto thirteen even though he ends dreadnought at fifteen. there are multiple potential explanations for this - i favour the idea that otto is registered as older than he is biologically because he’s a clone/genius and was left at the orphanage with no birth certificate - but either way, i’m still going to say that otto is fifteen and that everyone else is a third year and either fifteen or sixteen. side note: otto’s benjamin button trick here is one of my least favourite ‘slips’ of the series and ruins what is otherwise one of my favourite entries.

zero hour:

there is a year between rogue and zero hour, meaning zero hour is set in fourth year and that otto is sixteen (and again, everyone else is either sixteen or seventeen). in my original doc, i made a note saying that apparently everyone is still in third year, but based off a quick search for ‘three’ and ‘third’ in the ebook, there’s no proof for that. lucy dies when she’s sixteen/seventeen.

aftershock:

there’s another short timeskip here, and based off the fact that this is when penny and tom join and that it’s the introduction of new security chief dekker, we can guess that this is the beginning of fifth year (incidentally, the fact that nero and raven are available at the beginning of the book to go meet joseph wright in london does appear to suggest that nero wasn’t needed to teach that day, meaning that there is some form of summer holiday at h.i.v.e). i also think it’s likely that this is fifth year because penny and tom a) had time to gain relative notoriety for their thefts and b) would’ve needed to be at least sixteen to leave school and local authority care (although tom is apparently a year or two older than otto and penny according to book one) and it being fifth year sets everyone at seventeen. seventeen is actually pretty old for the alphas to be taken to the glasshouse (raven went at age eleven), but i think it does make sense that the hunt was targeted, and not the third years on the 93 percenter; tom and penny actually had time to go to lessons pre field trip, and lucy didn’t, meaning that the 93 percenter mostly likely happens in the first few days of the school year and was organised before dekker became a member of staff, which wouldn’t have given the disciples the necessary time to plan and execute a retrieval. also, laura was obviously in fifth year and not third, making the hunt a far more attractive choice for anastasia to target.

deadlock:

deadlock is similar to rogue in that it fluffs an important timeline detail, but it’s not relevant to ages here, so i’ll revisit it later. it’s set several months after aftershock, but seeing as no other students are recruited to pad out the three left in the alpha stream and that aftershock was only set in the first month or so of the school year, i think it’s safe to assume that everyone is still in fifth year at this point, so either seventeen or eighteen. my gut feeling is that shelby, franz, and wing are all eighteen, and that’s because they’re allowed on the mission to break into the glasshouse; obviously we see them get into danger/be involved in plans before this point, but this is the first time we see nero actively sign off on them being allowed into a tactical situation with a known risk to life (and i’ve made a shitpost on this, but raven does say that nero would “have her shot” if she brought thirteen year old otto into a tactical situation back in the overlord protocol, so i think the only way nero would’ve allowed this to happen was if the remaining alpha students were all legal adults). the exception to this is otto, who would still be seventeen, but seeing as he isn’t an enrolled h.i.v.e student at the time of the mission, i don’t think nero’s no-student policy applies to him.

book nine:

obviously none of us know what’s going to happen, but i think it’s safe to say book nine will probably be set in otto’s final year, when he’s eighteen.

part two: adult ages

really, i should just be transparent and call this what it is, which is just blatant nero age speculation. while it’s implied that nero is immortal in book one, this is also literally never mentioned again, and the only physical indicator we know is that he has a streak of grey in his hair. however, i do have a bunch of info that can give some clues at how old nero really is.

1. nero taught diabolus, and is implied to have been headmaster of h.i.v.e at this time. we’re not really sure how old diabolus is, either, but seeing as he has a teenaged son and was old enough to have had a considerable career and be made head of g.l.o.v.e, he can’t be any younger than his late thirties by the time he pops up in escape velocity, and i’m guessing he’s inching towards fifty purely because he isn’t described as being particularly young when we see him in hong kong with nero 15 years before the events of deadlock. (i am, however, aware that this means nothing, because walden sucks at describing people). that means nero’s been teaching some forty years, which lines up with him co-founding h.i.v.e with his father in the 60s, and seeing as h.i.v.e is nero’s great passion project, i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 25 when h.i.v.e opened in the original icelandic facility. basically, this tells us what we already know: nero is old as shit, and doesn’t look it.

2. the duncan cavendish thing interests me a lot more, because we see that nero actively switched cavendish from polfi to alpha. again, it was already implied that nero was headmaster from the beginning, but this shows that nero was always running the show and wasn’t just initially his father’s apprentice as deadlock almost seems to hint at.

3. nero has a doctorate. “well duh”. but again, if nero had that doctorate when he founded h.i.v.e, he has to be nearing seventy. he could’ve gotten it earlier, sure, because nero is a very intelligent man, but he’s not otto-levels of academic genius. i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 15/16 when he got his phd.

i did say that this would be an ‘adult ages’ section, so i’ll do a bit of background on raven, the only adult with timestamps. her being thirty one in deadlock makes her twenty seven in book one (if we follow the logic of otto being seventeen in deadlock), and because i personally believe the h.i.v.e timeline starts with book 1’s publication in 2006, this means raven was born around 1979 (which, if you subscribe to the theory that raven is elena and nero’s kid, makes her born after h.i.v.e was founded, which has some interesting implications about the origins of the glasshouse).

i know we’re all in mutual agreement about the soviet training being a bullshit throwaway line that walden wrote in before deciding to make raven a major player, but i’ll do the work of disproving it anyway: if raven was born in ‘79 and she came to the glasshouse at 11, that means she started her training in 1990. the soviet union officially fell in 1991, but the berlin wall fell in 1989, and the cold war was pretty much over by the time raven came to the glasshouse thanks to gorbachev’s new policies and military cuts. there is absolutely no way that the furans were soviet-funded, or that raven was trained by the soviet government. in fact, the only feasible way raven could’ve been trained by the soviet union in, quote from book 1 here, “their cold war prime”, would be for her to have been born almost a full 20 years earlier in the early 1960s, which would’ve made her middle aged in book 1. but, like, you tried walden.

part three: overlord

the overlord incident - the one that led to the destruction of the chinese facility and inadvertantly led to wing’s birth thanks to wu zhang and xiu mei shacking up together - is probably the most crucial part of the h.i.v.e timeline. without it, number one never would’ve been corrupted, otto wouldn’t have been born/manufactured, the seed code for h.i.v.emind wouldn’t have existed, cypher never would’ve launched his assault on h.i.v.e and nero (or felt the need to come into existence at all), and, of course, overlord himself wouldn’t have been the world’s most annoying LED lightshow for five books (because book one hardly counts). but even though raven had nothing to do with the original overlord incident, she’s still strongly linked to it. i’ll explain.

the overlord incident had to have happened before raven met nero. i can’t stress that enough, and this is the conflicting detail that i mentioned in deadlock. the nero’s internal monologue in the fifteen years before flashback appears to indicate that the overlord incident hasn’t happened yet - but that can’t be true, otherwise wing wouldn’t exist.

like i’ve laid out, wing is thirteen in late august 2006, and most likely eighteen (but at least seventeen) in 2010/11, aka deadlock. this gives him an approximate birth year of 1992/3, and all roads lead back to raven, who would’ve been fourteen when wing was born. already, that makes her too young to have met nero pre-overlord incident. but even more importantly, wu zhang and xiu mei only ended up together because of the overlord incident. like i said, if it weren’t for overlord, wing would not exist. we don’t know when wu zhang and xiu mei‘s friendship turned to romance, but if xiu mei got pregnant in 1992 (which fits with either of wing’s birth years - either he’s late ‘92 or early ‘93), i’d wager they got together in 1991 at the latest. raven would’ve been twelve.

i’m putting the overlord incident at a tentative year 1990, which would’ve allowed plenty of time for xiu mei and wu zhang to escape china together and fall in love before wing’s birth, and also gives overlord a handful of years to start corrupting number one to convince him into cloning himself to make otto (who was dropped off at the orphange in august ‘93). raven came to the glasshouse in 1990. there is absolutely no way she could’ve met nero while he was still making arrangements for overlord, unless wing was born after 1995 when raven tried to kill nero, in which case wing wouldn’t have been at h.i.v.e at the same time as shelby and laura (and nor would otto, come to think of it).

anyway, i’ll do a tl;dr with the final timeline below.

TL;DR (final timeline)

1960s: h.i.v.e is founded.

1979: raven is born.

1980s: both duncan cavendish and diabolus darkdoom presumably attend h.i.v.e during this period. the zero hour contingency plan is drawn up.

1990: overlord is created in a lab in northern china, and is destroyed by number one. it then takes up host in his body. there are three named survivors: nero, wu zhang, and xiu mei. raven is sent to the glasshouse.

1991: wu zhang and xiu mei move to japan and rename themselves as the fanchus. they fall in love around this point. this is also the year where raven tries to escape from the glasshouse and claws out pietor’s eye.

1992: overlord/number one starts work on cloning himself. xiu mei falls pregnant, and possibly gives birth.

1993: otto, shelby, wing, nigel, franz, laura and lucy are all born at varying points throughout the year. this is most likely also the year where dimitri is shot by anastasia furan, and raven is forced to murder tolya.

1994: presumably the year when h.i.v.e’s original location is compromised, and plans start being made to relocate from the icelandic facility.

1995: nero meets with the architect/his father to discuss his plans for the new h.i.v.e facility. raven tries to kill him. the first glasshouse burns.

1996-2005: construction on h.i.v.e 2.0 is completed. overlord slowly takes over more and more of number one’s body. survivors of the overlord incident start disappearing. xiu mei dies of unknown causes. nero receives his half of the amulet. lucy’s parents die of natural causes and she is sent to italy. gregori leonov’s son, yuri, attends h.i.v.e and graduates. cypher pops into existence around this time. diabolus darkdooms fakes his death.

2006: otto, wing, laura, shelby, franz, and nigel start attending h.i.v.e (cue the events of book one). duncan cavendish becomes prime minister.

2007: cypher launches his assult on nero after successfully convincing the contessa to join his cause. after cypher is captured and his identity is revealed, nero keeps him alive unbeknownst to number one. by august, everyone is fourteen.

2008: cue the events of escape velocity. number one and the contessa die. diabolus darkdoom is elected leader of g.l.o.v.e. cue the events of interception point. otto turns fifteen. lucy joins h.i.v.e at the beginning of september and the events of dreadnought take place. otto does not return to h.i.v.e.

2009: events of rogue. cypher and pietor furan die. otto turns sixteen at the end of august. laura’s baby brother, douglas, is conceived.

2010: douglas is born. the events of zero hour occur. lucy dies. overlord is destroyed. nero becomes leader of g.l.o.v.e and fires the ruling council. duncan cavendish steps down. construction of the new glasshouse is completed. otto turns seventeen. penny and tom join h.i.v.e. the events of aftershock occur, and otto is expelled.

2011: the events of deadlock occur. raven turns thirty one. tom dies. the new glasshouse is destroyed. the countdown for the disciples’ new batch of clones begins at 99 days. the artemis project discover the existence of h.i.v.e. at the end of year, otto is eighteen.

2012 onwards: otto turns nineteen and hopefully graduates h.i.v.e.

#h.i.v.e #otto malpense #the overlord protocol #escape velocity #deadlock #rogue #zero hour #aftershock #long post

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just0nemorepage · 5 years

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Kingdom of Ash || Sarah J. Maas || Throne of Glass #7 || 984 pages ------------------------------------------------------------------ Top 3 Genres: Fantasy / Young Adult / Romance

Synopsis: The final battle is here.

Aelin Galathynius has vowed to save her people―but at a tremendous cost. Locked within an iron coffin by the Queen of the Fae, Aelin must draw upon her fiery will as she endures months of torture. The knowledge that yielding to Maeve will doom those she loves keeps her from breaking, but her resolve is unraveling with each passing day…

With Aelin captured, friends and allies are scattered to different fates. Some bonds will grow even deeper, while others will be severed forever. As destinies weave together at last, all must fight if Erilea is to have any hope of salvation.

Finished: September 24th, 2019.

Progress: 7 / 15. 46.6% complete.

My Rating: ★★★★★. [5/5]

My Review: [Under the read more - NOT SPOILER FREE]

I don't even know how it will be possible to put anything into words about this.

Nearly six years from reading the first book, and eight books later (including the prequels)… comes to this.

I am at a complete loss for words.

This is…I can't say it's perfection. I can pick out a few faults. Like… no queer representation at all. And the only people of color being the middle-eastern culture from the Southern continent. Intersectionally, this book, and this entire series, could do with some work. And, I have to wonder how romances between women in their late-teens and young-twenties and centuries-old fae seem to consistently work out so well. And how that doesn't seem gross at all.

But like…. … it still feels a goddamn LOT like perfection. Watching Lord of the Rings and reading Harry Potter also feel like perfection, and those series are flawed as hell. So like. –GESTURES BROADLY–

I have to wonder how many small details were lost on me because reading the other books happened so sporadically for me, and I forgot minute details from each of them. But like. This series is definitely going on my reread-someday list, so I can maybe go through it again knowing how everyone ends up and how far everything comes.

So. Like.

I've been VERY CALM so far in this review.

But my head and my heart have been like "AHSIDUASDHIFUHLIDUHLIFD" for the past TWO DAYS STRAIGHT.

I CANNOT.

THIS BOOK. THIS SERIES.

I knocked out 984 pages in TWELVE DAYS. It felt exactly like watching Return of the King for the first time, and finishing the last book of the Harry Potter series. I cried like I cried during the death of the Thirteen for only THREE OTHER CHARACTERS in my entire life.

That's how GOOD THIS SHIT FELT FOR ME.

Ohooooh man. Just name a part and I will point and screech and rave about how much I FUCKING ADORED IT, probably.

But like – does anybody else want an entire book of just… everyone being happy??? Everyone like – a year later, progressed along down the road of rebuilding that they've all been dreaming so much for? Like, it doesn't even need a conflict, I'll read another thousand pages just detailing the regular daily lives of all of these characters I've grown to love so much.

Also, I am low-key EXCITED to finally get to explore fanart without SPOILING MYSELF.

This is the most useless review ever. I haven't talked about any of the things I ACTUALLY LOVE. I could just word vomit, like I usually do –

Ah, hell.

-clears throat-

AELIN'S HUMOR. THE PORTRAYAL OF PTSD AFTER THE COFFIN. AELIN'S ENTRANCES TO BATTLES. THE WITCHES. THE REACTIONS TO THE KHAGANATE'S ARMY. AELIN'S FIRE. TELLING THE GODS TO FUCK OFF. FUCKING YRENE. E L I D E. HOLY SHIT MY CINNAMON BUN LORCAN. ALL THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. And Lysandra, and Evangeline, and Chaol and Dorian, and EVERYONE SEEING EACH OTHER AGAIN, and TERRASEN IS 150% MY AESTHETIC YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, and I just c a n n o t.

Intersectionally, this book could have been a million times better, but the LADIES ARE FUCKING ON POINT.

And like. Aelin's goodbyes at the end were the perfect goodbye for the reader to each of the characters at the same time, and I MISS THEM ALREADY AND LOVE THEM ALL and I am going to have the BIGGEST FUCKING BOOK HANGOVER.

This is blasphemous, I know, I know. But ya'll can keep Hogwarts, and Middle Earth. I'm moving to fucking Terrasen.

#book reviews #kingdom of ash #sarah j. maas #throne of glass #★★★★★#fantasy #young adult #romance #magic #high fantasy #adventure #favorites #stunning covers #owned #print book #series book #jomp original

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wordsbysarah · 6 years

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The Blue Rose Society: Ch 1 Parts 1 & 2

Ever wanted to read a book about autistic children written by a real autistic person? The Blue Rose Society is a story about a girl, her autistic little sister, and both of their best friends trying to make it through a harsh world. The book is still a WIP, but it switches between their four POVs, so have fun with it!

--Delia--

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Delia Sloane rolled over with a grumble, blindly reaching for her alarm clock. Silly her, she’d forgotten to turn it off since the school year ended yesterday. By the time should found the ‘off’ button, her consciousness was rising to the surface, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. She was a light sleeper, after all, which was difficult knowing who her family was. Groaning at her own forgetfulness, she sat up and ran her fingers through her short brown hair that had just been cut in anticipation of the sticky Savannah summer. There was already a commotion coming from downstairs, and though she wasn’t eager to get up, she went to go brush her teeth so that she could join her family.

“Good mornin’, chickpea,” she greeted her little sister, giving the girl’s short blonde hair a ruffle. She’d had it cut into a bob to be just like her big sister, but since her hair was naturally wavy it was a mess more often than not. The girl was too preoccupied to answer, though.

“I specifically said there has to be an even number of blueberries in my pancakes!” she was shouting at their mother. “There are thirteen -- you can count ‘em, thirteen -- blueberries and I can’t eat this!”

The mother sighed, her eyes puffy and hair in a tangle. Maybe it was summer, but it didn’t look like there would be any sleeping in. “Baby, it’s just food. The blueberries aren’t gonna kill you.”

As the girl started stomping her feet, Delia took her mother by the arm. “Go back to bed. I’ll do it today,” she said softly. Her mom nodded gratefully and started back down the hall to the stairs, but the little girl was less happy about this.

“No, it HAS to be made by mom!” she shouted. “Mom always makes my breakfast every day.”

Delia leaned down to her eye level. “Maisie, look at me,” she said calmly, but firmly. “Deep breaths, remember?” Her sister didn’t meet her eyes, but took a deep breath, bobbing her head slightly every time she counted down another number from ten.

“Okay,” Maisie eventually conceded. Delia stuffed a piece of her sister’s gluten-free pancake into her own mouth and started on a new batch, each pancake with twelve carefully placed blueberries. She had to remind the girl to sit on her bottom, and to put down her stuffed dog while at the kitchen table, but breakfast went relatively smoothly. As Maisie ate, Delia took a moment to admire her. She had these intelligent, bright blue eyes with little flecks of gold around the center. Delia had heard a rumor once that the gold flecks meant Maisie would have trouble with her vision later in life, but she didn’t know how true that was. She had a slender nose and pale skin, with the occasional orange freckle. Her nails were currently painted blue and purple, which contrasted each other, but it was what she’d asked Delia to do, so she obliged. They were also contrasted with the pink princess costume she wore almost every day that she could. She was extra tall for her age of nine, and that coupled with the fact that she was slightly overweight made her look at least eleven years old. Although, she spoke more like a six year old, which surprised everyone who met her. This wasn’t to say that Maisie wasn’t smart, of course. She was sharp as a tack. She just thought differently than most people.

Then came the summer morning routine. Delia straightened her sister’s hair, because Maisie wanted it to look just like Delia’s and she couldn’t do it without burning herself. Then they watched an hour and a half of kids’ programs on television while Delia rested her eyes, curled up against a soft pillow. After that, Delia could watch whatever she wanted, and Maisie had to read a book. She usually did this in her bedroom, where she had an entire library, but she reread her favorites over and over again. Her favorite being Junie B. Jones books, which were great for her age group, but her whole family was certain she was capable of understanding more adult themes than that.

After a period of reading, Delia and Maisie went outside to enjoy the warm weather. It was humid, but they were used to that, living by the sea in Georgia, so the stickiness didn’t bother them as much anymore. Especially with their nice, cool, short hairstyles. It seemed they weren’t the only ones planning on being outside though -- there was a moving truck outside of the house to their left.

They decided to go say hello to their new neighbors.

It seemed to be a family of three. A mother and a father and a little boy, who was eight years old, according to his mother. “That’s really close to your age, huh?” Delia mentioned to her sister, “Maybe you two could be friends.”

But the boy didn’t speak to either of the girls. He sat in the grass playing with a remote controlled race car that was painted blue and white. While Maisie went to go talk to the boy, Delia made small talk with the parents.

“His name is August,” the mother told her. “We’re… working on is communication skills,” she said with a sidelong glance at her husband.

“Well, he’s welcome to come over and hang out with Maisie and me any time,” Delia offered in an effort to be kind. She knew what it was like to have a family member that didn’t communicate very well.

“That’s very nice of you, but we wouldn’t want to put that burden on you,” said the father. Delia had to resist the instinct to wrinkle her nose. Burden? The word didn’t sit very well with her, but she knew not everyone could be patient with children with special needs.

Just then, a shout came from the direction of the house. The two kids were fighting over the remote controlled car. August was shrieking, while Maisie yelled, “You have to share!” over and over again. Maisie was great at sharing, as long as it was someone else’s property. Of course, she didn’t quite understand that she shouldn’t force someone else to share their toy when she was the one who entered their house uninvited. Delia ran over to try and break up the fight, but her sister was intensely focused on the toy.

“If you play nice and let go, I’ll let you have extra TV time,” Delia stated in a measured tone.

“I am being nice, he just won’t share and he’s supposed to share!” Maisie yelled, clutching the toy as the boy continued to scream.

“Maisie, listen to me,” Delia continued. “If you don’t let go, I’ll get mom to take away a sticker.”

Of course, that worked. She loved her stickers, especially the little colorful stars. Maisie let go of the car and backed up a few paces, so August took his toy and ran haphazardly into his new house.

“Go back inside,” Delia ordered her sister.

“But I want to stay outside,” the girl protested.

“We can come back outside later, okay? I promise.” As Maisie walked back to her own house, Delia turned to the parents. “I’m so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Freeman. She’s normally such a good kid.”

Mrs. Freeman waved her hand in dismissal. “It’ll be alright, dear. It’s not entirely her fault. I guess they just weren’t meant to be friends,” she said, although her husband gave Delia a wary look. “I’d better go check on him,” and she followed her child into the house.

Delia was suddenly uncomfortable being alone with Mr. Freeman, so she gave a slight nod and returned home. However, when she got there, her sister was nowhere to be found. Not in the living room, the kitchen, or any of the bedrooms. She rolled her eyes and started out the back door, crossing to the large weeping willow tree in the yard and leaning down to tap on the fort made of cardboard and blankets that they’d built together. There was a faint “come in” and she pushed aside a blanket to sit in the, admittedly, very warm set of boxes on the grass.

--Maisie--

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought, banging her head against her arm, propped up by her knees pulled to her chest. Maisie was huddled in the corner of the fort, crying. “I did something bad, didn’t I?” she choked out. “I acted bad and they thought I was weird.” Tears streamed down her face. “I just want to be good,” she said.

“Oh honey…” her sister started, crawling over to sit beside her. “Can I touch you?” she asked. Maisie nodded, ever grateful that she’d even asked. Delia took her into her arms and held Maisie’s head against her shoulder. “You are good. You’re better than most people, you just don’t know it yet.” Her sister stroked her hair.

“Then how come I don’t have any friends?” Maisie blubbered.

“I’m your friend,” said Delia. “We’re like our own little club. In fact,” she pulled back to look at Maisie with a twinkle in her eye, “why don’t we start a club, just you and me? It’ll be our little thing.”

Maisie brightened up a little. “I’ve never been part of a club before,” she said with a hearty sniffle.

“Yeah? Well, you’re part of a club now.”

“What’s our club called?” asked Maisie.

Delia twisted her mouth to the side and looked to the ceiling, pondering. “How about… the Blue Rose Society?”

“How come?” asked Maisie, whose interest was quite piqued.

“Well,” Delia said, squishing Maisie’s cheek lightly with her free hand, “because blue roses are rare, and beautiful, and they’re mysterious. Just like you.”

Maisie nodded, turning over the idea in her head until she was satisfied. “Okay. The Blue Rose Society,” she repeated. “When do we meet?”

“We’ll meet three times a week officially, but you know, whenever we’re together can be an impromptu meeting,” said Delia. “And we’ll always be together.” She poked Maisie on the tip of the nose, and she giggled. “How about we take this club on the road?”

This was more than Maisie could’ve hoped for. “You mean we get to go to the beach today?”

Delia smiled and said, “Let me ask mom first, but I think the answer is yes.”

#autism #actually autistic #aspergers #autism book #ya fiction #my wips #the blue rose society #my books #long post

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dartlekey · 7 years

Text

A Tale of Things Lost

Also on AO3 Rating: T Pairings: Takenaka Momozou/Inukawa Mameta, Background Gouda Musashi/Onigawara Tenga Warnings/Triggers: PTSD, Trauma, Panic Attacks, Partial Amnesia Summary: Inukawa returns to earth with a broken spirit. Takenaka finds a use for the tool he never asked for. Perhaps, they are fixing each other... Or maybe just dishing out salt and sass via bad jokes. It's hard to tell sometimes. Notes: Because this is a rarepair that's not explored enough, and because with the big scary arc looming the fandom collectively forgot what Inukawa's been through. Weekly updates.

Also, manga spoilers for everything between Chapter 98 and 100.1

Chapter One: Memory

Exactly thirteen days after their alien encounter, Takenaka fell out of his chair while sitting with the telepathy club.

Well, technically it wasn't his chair, it was Inukawa’s. Each member of the club had their own chair that they always sat in; an outsider wouldn't have been able to tell the difference but the five - no, four - of them each knew the creaks and shifts of their chairs better than their time table. Months spent lounging, chatting and gaming in the rickety stools had seen each member gravitate towards and eventually settle in their favourite chair - however, in a rush of petty vindictiveness, they'd burned Takenaka’s after he quit the club. Now that he'd started to hang out with them again, he'd simply taken over Inukawa’s conveniently empty chair.

He however hated that chair with a passion. Because the front left leg was just a bit shorter than the others and thus made the chair tilt whenever he shifted, because the back was too curved and made him slouch in a way that was definitely unhealthy, because the seat had a small chip that his pants kept snagging on...

At least, those were the reasons he could bear thinking about. Easier on the mind than the feeling of wrongness he got from sitting in anothers’ place, of trying to replace someone who couldn’t simply be replaced; easier than the gaping hole left in the group by Inukawa’s absence. Easier than the crushing guilt that had kept Takenaka awake until late at night for the last two weeks.

In short, he disliked the chair because it was Inukawa’s - in fact, the only thing keeping him from sitting on the floor was his pride, and even that was shrinking by the day...

Don't think about him, Takenaka reminded himself and turned up the volume of his MP3 player. He'll be fine; Inukawa is smart and resourceful, plus he's always had that knack for languages. If he wants to come back, he'll make the aliens return him. If he wants to stay, he'll stay. Either way, there's nothing you can do.

But so many things I could have done…

“...naka. Oi, Takenaka!”

Takenaka's head jerked up and he frowned at the sight of Tome glowering down at him.

“What?”, he asked, pulling his headphones out of his ears and already searching for his normal plugs. “I said,” Tome grumbled, “we're out of snacks and it's your turn to buy new ones. I already told you yesterday, Wednesday is - was - Inukawa’s turn. Hop to it, space pumkin.”

Takenaka rolled his eyes, stretching out his aching back. “Honestly, the amount of snacks you go through is insane. I’m amazed that you even-”

Now I just gotta tell the club. I wonder if they missed me...

With a clatter, Takenaka fell from his chair. The other members immediately crowded around him with worry, but Takenaka pushed them aside roughly. “He - he's back!”, he stuttered out, then stumbled towards the door.

Which was already sliding open. In the doorway stood Inukawa, wearing his school uniform and looking as if he'd never left.

For a moment, everyone stood frozen - although their thoughts jumped back and forth so erratically that Takenaka felt a sharp stinging pain behind his eyes. Then Tome rushed forwards and caught Inukawa in a bone crushing hug. “Oh my God, Mameta! What took you so long?”

That seemed to break the spell, because suddenly the whole club was clustered around their estranged member and bombarding him with questions, exclamations and teary-eyed hugs.

Takenaka watched from the side, unable to do anything except mechanically push his plugs into his ears, immediately blocking out about half the clamor. He breathed in deeply, gathering himself, and clenched his hands to stop them from shaking. Then he said, as nonchalantly as he could, “Geez guys, give him some space. Calm down and let him sit, he can still tell us about his adventure then.”

Inukawa looked up with surprise, but then smiled at him gratefully. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

The others immediately made some space, and so they sat at the table, Takenaka pulling over a weight bench to sit on (and immediately wondering why he hadn’t thought of that before).

“I guess I should start at day one? Well, after they took me to their planet-”

Takenaka listened to the story like the others - meaning, using only his ears, not his powers. Part of that was simple politeness; it seemed rude, reading everything... surely there would be moments of his trip that Inukawa wanted to treasure only by himself.

Part of it was Takenaka being afraid of what he’d find. Because he recognized the empty look in Inukawa’s eyes, the edge to his smile; the way his laugh seemed just slightly too loud. Takenaka had seen these things too often in the mirror not to recognize what they meant…

Inukawa had experienced soul-crushing loneliness, the way you can only feel when you’re truly different from your surroundings. And Takenaka was not ready to break down in front of the telepathy club from listening to another’s emotions.

It was an interesting story anyway; tales of banquets and fights and food and friendship kept the club members glued to their seats for an entire hour - then Tome and Kijibayashi excused themselves in order to study for finals, and promised to come back the next day to continue the conversation.

Tome stopped though, before leaving, and ruffled Inukawa’s hair. “Glad to see you’re still the same old Inukawa. It would have been lame if you hadn’t come back.” Takenaka didn’t even know what to say to such blindness. Same old? Inukawa was back, for sure, but any close observer could tell he definitely wasn’t the same.

Saruta looked from Inukawa to Takenaka and stood up. “I think I'll be going as well, if that's okay. I still wanted to check out a new comic book store at the station, and they close soon... “

“Yeah, I guess we should all call it a day,” Inukawa agreed, stretching until his back made a cracking sound. “I'm still gonna be here tomorrow, haha.”

He got up and went to follow Saruta, but Takenaka snapped to his senses and quickly said, “Ah, Inukawa? Could I talk to you for a sec?”

“Huh? But we just-” Inukawa fell silent as his gaze jumped to Saruta’s and Tome’s receding backs and then back to Takenaka’s hesitant expression. “Ah, yeah, sure.”

Takenaka licked his lips nervously, then pulled out his earplugs. For this, he didn't want any lies or misreadings, only Inukawa’s honest opinion. If he was going to catch Inukawas feelings - then that was a risk he was willing to take.

As the others’ thoughts disappeared down the corridor, Takenaka stepped closer to Inukawa and told him, “Look - I'm really, really sorry about leaving you. I… it was so difficult, deciphering their thoughts, their thinking patterns are so different from humans - by the time I realized what they were doing I couldn't… ah, what am I saying.

“I reacted too slowly - I should've been faster, and I'm truly sorry. I'm not trying to guilt you into forgiving me, I just wanted you to know that... “

He trailed off, surprised, at the immediate (mental) answer. “Wait… you don't blame me? But -”

“It was an accident,” Inukawa said dismissively. “Stuff like that happens pretty much on all trips, I was just unlucky enough to catch the worst possible outcome ever - I'm kidding,” he hastily corrected at Takenaka’s worried expression, “it wasn't that bad... “

But it was, despite all the laughs and happy tales from before; it had been awful. Just saying it made Inukawa’s feelings surface, and so Takenaka felt the still-living echo of what Inukawa had gone through - the full and utterly crushing loneliness, the devastation and hopelessness and pain that Inukawa had endured… and was still enduring. Because emotions like that don't disappear in a day, and wounds like that take time to close.

Inukawa tried to pull out quickly, to re-seal his feelings and switch topics, but Takenaka put a hand on his arm. “Hey. Don’t - you won’t heal if you keep repressing like that. It’s unhealthy.”

Inukawa pulled his arm away, frowning. “It works for Mob.”

“He also has a cryptid entity living in his subconscious that tears down the city if he gets too emotional,” Takenaka deadpanned. “You’re not okay and you need help.”

“Well, what do you expect me to do?”, Inukawa responded with unexpected sharpness. “Walk up to a psychiatrist and say, ‘hey, I was kidnapped by aliens and now I need therapy’?”

“Gee, maybe,” Takenaka snapped, “Sure sounds smarter than just trusting someone who’s felt alienated from society since he was five? I know what you’re feeling, and not just because I can read your heart.”

Inukawa fell silent at that, guilty thoughts whizzing around inside his head. “But that's not - not all of it. At least, it'd be easier. I mean…”

He didn’t finish his sentence out loud, but Takenaka heard anyway. “You don’t… remember all of it?”

Inukawa shook his head. “My memory of the last four days of my stay is extremely blurry. The only reason I even remember the first six is because I kept a diary during that time. When I reread it yesterday, it awoke those memories… but the rest is still gone. I don’t even know how I got home; my memory starts at walking towards my house three days ago. But somehow, despite that, or maybe because of that, my emotions have remained from day one.”

He swallowed and looked to the side. “You can see it, right? How I feel, all of it. How afraid I am. I've felt lonely and disconnected before, but never this bad, and never this long... What if I don't regain all of my memories, and have to stay like this forever? And what if I do regain my memories, but it changes nothing’?”

He breathed in deeply and Takenaka felt him actively pushing down the bubbling mess of loneliness and anxiety. “You see? It doesn't help, because it can't change my situation. Not thinking about it is basically the only possible way to cope.”

Takenaka smiled nervously. “Not if you have a telepath on your side.”

Inukawa hesitated. He looked sceptical, but Takenaka saw a tiny seed of hope take root in his mind. “Oh really?”

Takenaka nodded decisively, hoping he looked more confident than he felt. “Well I mean, I'm not an expert, but all that mind reading has made me fairly good at this kind of stuff - certainly better than any shrink you could drag up... In my opinion, you're probably dealing with trauma; repressed memory is a common symptom. Seeing as you're not an esper, I should be able to break the block in your mind, and probably even ease you through whatever fucked you up so bad… I mean, I have done it before,” he quickly added, seeing Inukawa’s doubtful expression. “My uncle, he was a soldier, and came back with no memory of the war he was in - he asked me for help, and I broke the wall. So, if you want, I can try for you.”

Inukawa nodded, then frowned as Takenaka reached for his forehead. “Wait - you mean like, now?”

Takenaka blinked. “I thought you wanted it over with.”

“Well, yeah, but…” Inukawa shook his head. “Yeah, you're right. Why not.”

Takenaka nodded, steeling himself, then flattened his palm against Inukawa’s forehead, breathed in deeply, and concentrated.

Going into someone’s mind was always an odd feeling. Other people often assumed it was like walking through a museum, or an archive, all the thoughts and memories sorted and displayed prettily, ready for viewing… In truth, it was more like swimming underwater - murky and vague, thought currents pushing and pulling you every which way, opinions with jagged edges suddenly looming up in front of you, then disappearing again. Takenaka let himself be pulled along, swimming with the anxious and lonely currents, hoping to find their centre. He didn't have to wait long; the pull got stronger and stronger until suddenly his consciousness pressed against an uneven, tightly interwoven wall of emotion.

Takenaka concentrated and pushed his energy into the wall, trying to make it burst. For his uncle, that had worked perfectly - because the wall, while appearing quite solid, was actually about as strong as a bubble against the magnitude of Takenaka’s power.

With this wall, he received a nasty surprise instead. The wall pulled at him, trying to drain his powers, his strength, washing over him in an avalanche of despair and frustration. Takenaka jerked away, horrified - and found himself, yet again, on the floor of the clubroom.

“Takenaka! Crap, are you alright?”

Inukawa knelt next to him, hands hovering worriedly over Takenaka's s face and chest. What do I do, I don't know what to -

“I'm fine, it's fine,” Takenaka said, pushing the hands away with mild embarrassment. “I just... “

He trailed off, and frowned, looking up at Inukawa. “That shouldn't have happened. This block, I've never seen anything like it. I mean - if it was a normal mind block, I should've been able to break it, easy. If it was guarded by an esper, or esper power, I wouldn't have been able to get in your mind at all. But this thing… it was like some kind of… localized defense mechanism? Why on earth would you have that in your head? And how would it even get there?”

Why’re you asking me? Aren't you the telepath? Inukawa thought drily - then realized that, of course, Takenaka could still hear everything he was thinking. “Ah, sorry, I didn't mean… “

He trailed off. “Why… are you staring at me like that?”

Takenaka was staring at him like that because he'd finally realized what had been bothering him since the beginning of their conversation - and might actually be the explanation for all this weird stuff. Excitedly, he grabbed Inukawa's hands. “Do that again. Think something.”

“I… what?” Think something? What kinda request is that?

“Wow,” Takenaka breathed disbelievingly, fingers now ghosting over Inukawa’s forehead as his suspicions were confirmed beneath his fingertips. “You actually… have an alien mind block in your head.”

Inukawa stared at him. “What?”

“I was thinking something was off about your thoughts… and then I realized - you have traces of the aliens’ thought patterns in there! That's why the block is so odd, and why I've never seen anything like it. They must have a psychic on their planet, or a telepath… maybe even something electronic? Something, or someone, that placed this block in your mind for whatever reason. Maybe to protect their secrets - or to protect you. I don't know, it doesn't matter anyway... but now we actually know what's wrong with you!”

“Great,” Inukawa said with a decided lack of enthusiasm. So you're basically saying the only person who could fix this is halfway across the universe.

Takenaka instantly deflated. “I… hadn't even thought about it like that…” He cast his eyes down, feeling guilty he'd gotten so excited about the alien telepath that he'd completely forgotten about Inukawa's plight. “I'm really sorry.”

Inukawa sighed. “No, I'm sorry. None of this is your fault, you're only trying to help. I guess I'm just… tense.”

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, then Takenaka was struck by another thought.

“But you said you got the first six days back by rereading your diary entries for the first time?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Then the block can't be all that strong, can it? I mean, sure it knocked me out - but I think that was just because my intrusion activated its defenses. From the inside out, it should be easy to break… we just need to find certain triggers, things like your diary, to reactivate those hidden memories.”

Inukawa frowned. “That... actually makes sense.”

Takenaka laughed - then paused thoughtfully. “Admittedly, that might be tough, considering we have no idea what we're looking for... but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. And in the meantime, I'll do my best to make your loneliness disappear.”

Inukawa gave him a confused look. “I'm… sorry?” He'll do his best to -? Wait. Is he... coming on to me?

Takenaka paled. “Wha- ugh, no, no, definitely not. I just meant - look, you don't have any friends, right?”

Now Inukawa looked insulted. “What?”

“No, uh, I wasn't trying to say -” Why is this so hard... “- of course you have friends, but like, not ones you can trust... With this I mean,” he hastily added, making a sweeping gesture, “your emotions, your fears, all that crap that really shouldn’t be bottled up. Sure you have school friends, everyone has those, but you’re hardly close enough with them that you could tell them about the abduction - or even if you did, they wouldn't believe you. And I mean, the telepathy club knows, but they're…”

He paused. “Well, a collection of emotionally stunted dimwits. They'd probably do more harm than good. But me - I understand what you're going through. I can listen when you need to vent, or distract you when you feel like shit. Or just, you know, hang out with you whenever, or…”

“So you want to be friends,” Inukawa interrupted Takenaka’s rambling.

Takenaka blinked.“I - yeah. That’s what I meant?”

Inukawa snorted. “You could've just said so.”

Takenaka opened his mouth and closed it wordlessly, hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt. “Well I don't know! Nobody tells me how these things work.”

Inukawa laughed. “For a telepath, you're quite socially inept...” Then his smile softened, and for once his thoughts and speech actually matched up.

“Thank you. Let's… do that. Let's be friends.”

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #takenaka momozou #inukawa mameta #takeinu #inutake #inunaka #telepathy club #kurata tome #kijibayashi haruto #saruta shirihiko #kageyama shigeo

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