#it feels like im trying to pull myself away from something that i shouldnt. like. fuck

[hearties-circus]

Yknow I don't think I've had a magnum ice cream since the night before the punishment and having one now.. yeah I cant really blame myself this ice cream is good

#gamer txt. #sure yes i shouldnt have eaten that many they were meant for everyone #that being said being a glutton for ice cream is hardly something i deserved to be starved for #and i mean honestly id do it again magnums are good #it is weird to think that they are technically what started it i know the punishment was for me being a bit of a glutton in general right #(can you blame me the house regularly goes completely unstocked for multiple days sorry being ravenous when i actually get food) #(hell im used to substituting icing and hot chocolate for food multiple days in a row just because no one bothered to get food i could eat) #(and then my mum even took the icing sugar away from me. 1 less thing i could eat. i think the icing sugar is still kept way high up) #but the magnums are what made my mum decide to go full on [no entry to kitchen. at all. you want a drink? ask. you want food? wait.] #[you want the privacy of your own bedroom? too fucking bad. you're not allowed to leave the living room] #for 3 months. it was ice cream man.. #and those rules were even worse cause i couldnt leave the living room but everyone else could #if i wanted a drink but no one was in the room with me i just had to wait usually at least an hour or so for someone to come back #i certainly wasnt trying my luck sneaking into the kitchen i was fucking petrified #and g-d if it was my step dad who was the only one with me he'd always pull the 'surely you can get a drink by yourself dont be ridiculous' #and when i never moved he'd do this dramatic sigh and take as long as possible to get me a drink make me feel like a fucking burden #he did ask my mum though cause surely i was allowed to get a drink myself right? most of the dilutant juice in the house was for me #and that fucking glare she gave me like id tried to go in the kitchen and my stepdad was asking cause he caught me #but im gonna be honest as terrified as i was when she reiterate i wasnt allowed in the kitchen at all it did feel kinda good #cause my stepdad was visibly scared too. in my head it was kinda like 'SEE SEE THAT WHAT IT FUCKING FEELS LIKE DONT YOU GET IT' #it is certainly weird though cause no ones apologised for anything. some for better reasons than others #but that first year afterwards that first anniversary my stepdad did bring me food from a local place every other day for like a month #and then last year he did a few times too #i dont think he did it this year #it was like he was apologising for his involvement #but ive never seen any acknowledgement of the punishment or the fact it was a bad thing at all from anyone #its weird cause he must know that it was fucked up why else would he apologise for it. but hes just pretending it never happened too #its put me in a weird spot. cause it all happened during lockdown yknow the only people aware of it are my family. #and theyre not going to talk about it #first time i ever lost weight. real visibly too. fucked up my appetite so bad that after it ended i lost weight again bc i just couldn't eat

[paper-mario-wiki]

I don't know if you've talked about this elsewhere already but was the break from streaming intentional and/or are you planning on returning to streaming some time in the foreseeable future? no pressure, I just miss your silly antics :o)

felt very burnt out from being someone who people are always lookin at all the time mostly! (and also a lot more reasons)

got a new job that pays just as well as streaming (which is enough to pay for rent in seattle with roommates, buy food for myself, and sometimes buy yet another japanese gamecube via online auction), and have been enjoying the feeling of not relying on anonymous teenagers and young adults who are just as poor as me on the internet for my income. It's something i was extremely grateful for, but it's not only a very infirm way to generate revenue on a reliable basis, but also i always felt an ever-present sense of guilt for it. like, instilling within other people who i know are in my tax bracket (one that is below the poverty line) the idea of "hey if you dont tip me for doing this free service, the quality of which is damningly subjective, I will be homeless. but no pressure haha" is something that i was never able to shake.

also like. performing is quite draining for me! the way i portray myself in my streams is EXTREMELY extroverted while, in my personal life, i prefer to spend 8 to 14 of my waking hours every day by myself in my room with my dog. i like the quiet, and i feel at peace most when i am not being perceived by other people.

lastly, i really dislike having inordinate levels of social power. for a several reasons. like, SEVERAL reasons. this is the longest section of this post.

8 years ago, i got way more famous than any 16 year old should ever be when i got tens of thousands of followers overnight for doing undertale shit. and i think it really fucked up my ability to make friends at a time where my only experience meeting new people was at school or at church, and i lived far enough out in the woods that i couldnt just go outside and hang out with the neighbors cuz the neighbors lived a mile away. my socializing skills in general are way more stilted than i'd prefer for someone my age. in private settings ive got my foot in my mouth a lot. and sometimes in public settings too! im sure if youve seen streams ive been on, youve seen plenty of "chase you really shouldnt have said that" moments. and youre probably right, i probably shouldnt have! my moment-to-moment gauge for what i should and shouldnt say is very slow to catch up cuz ive got like. advanced mental illnesses. like, im not joking when i say ive been formally diagnosed several times over by different doctors with shit ive never heard anybody ever talk about, online or otherwise.

i dont think that's an excuse to say heinous or cruel things by any means of course, but i also think that i should not rely on a job where there's constantly a microphone in my hand and an audience listening intently to what i say. im not at all pulling the "its okay that i say mean things because im mentawy iww" card. as a matter of fact i think it's not okay that i say them! and i feel very embarrassed when i do! the filter that separates "normal healthy thoughts" and "intrusive unhealthy thoughts" is thinner and more flimsy in my brain than in others.

ive only gotten this far because i surround myself with very smart, patient, and kind people, and by trying to be understanding and patient with others too. and ive begun apologizing to people a lot more. i dont like it when people are mad at me, and i dont like that for a long time i had professionally painted myself into a corner where im typically always the "heel" in comedy settings, because the "heel" is the guy everyone shits on all the time. i got this reputation not because i actively enjoy being mean, but because i learned to adapt to the aforementioned "clinically unreliable intrusive thoughts filter" by realizing i would say things that came across as mean, and in real time exaggerating that it into a character that people could shoot back at without feeling guilty while still having fun. theres nothing that ruins a good time quite like someone who is constantly apologizing for doing something wrong, and then continuing to do that wrong thing anyway. dont misunderstand, i absolutely adore dunking on weenies when everyone can get a good laugh out of it (like tumblr anons, who i think should be classified as prokariyotic invertebrates and not people (no offense)) but even though it's a joke it still feels very bad when that's expected of me when i walk into a room. because if i walk into a room, and everyone expects me to be an asshole, everyone is on the defensive before i say anything, and sometimes they take shots at me when im not trying to "play". even worse, if im a heel in a setting where it's expected of me and someone cant really keep up with "the bit" then that just means im being an asshole to someone who cant or doesnt have the energy to fight back. and not just any asshole, an asshole who has had nearly a decade of professional experience being a paid asshole.

if im being frank, i dont know if i'll come back in a full capacity. i might! im not ruling that out! and you'll probably still see me pop up in my friends streams, because i did LOVE what i did for a very long time! but after i took my "break" in december after being more stressed than ive ever been, and i knew it was no longer financially necessary for me to livestream, i had the thought "i will go back to streaming when i find within myself a desire to do so" and ya know what? i havent yet.

and DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS. if you post a fucking "hey have u heard what chase said" message in their chat or in their DMs or anything, im not joking when i say you are actively being the kind of person i changed my career to avoid! fuck you, for real! stop trying to interface with them to get some new piece of information or opinion about me you fucking weirdo! they'll talk about me if they want to, but going to someone who is doing their own thing and asking them to instead comment on someone else it is ALWAYS fucking annoying. if you want to think about me, do it by yourself! or ask me directly! or do it in the comment section of a video im in! or write a fanfiction about me and then throw it away!

but if ur not that kind of person then ur cool dont worry.

anywho! im sorry if this is a bummer to read. but that's the full skinny.

im still posting regularly on twitter (clown_depot)! and if i DO go live, either on my twitch channel or on a friend's stream, it will be posted there!

thanks for watching :^]

im not goin radio silent, im just gonna turn off the electric window that lets people see me for a while.

#the man with no face

[themolldollincident]

intoxication/public play fantasy

ugh when i get high it takes absolutely nothing to make me so horny i can't control myself. like it's straight up dangerous lol. if i get too high at a party, and my partner just teasingly brushes her fingers along my thigh, i go from zero to 100 so fast. i fantasize about her giving me a really strong edible and taking me to a party, and when she sees my eyes start to get red and notices me laughing louder and more, she just gently brushes her hand across my pussy over my clothes. my clit starts throbbing immediately, and before i can even realize what's happening im soaking wet and almost shaking from desire. she leans over and whispers that if im a good little slut i'll stand up and take off my clothes for her. i realize what's going on, and i try to protest. i whisper back (way louder than i think i'm being because i can't control the volume of my voice when im high) and i beg her not to do this now because im high and i dont know what i'll do. she's making me so horny and i dont want to do something humiliating because im horny and stupid. she whispers back that she can't believe im such a slut i can't take a little teasing without stripping naked and begging to be fucked. she says if i want more i'll do whatever she says. i know i shouldnt because there are all these people here, but im so high that i can't control myself and i stand up and start to strip for her. everyone's staring at me and can't fucking believe what's happening, and i know i'll die of embarrassment remembering this later, but right now i just desperately need her to fuck me, i'll do anything for it. before i know it im standing in the middle of the party naked and so fucking high and so fucking horny, and everyone is just staring in shock. she tells me to straddle her and i do. she pulls me in, grabbing my ass and shoving her tongue down my throat. she flips me over so i'm laying on the couch, legs spread and already shaking. she traces her finger against my clit and i tremble, unable to contain my moans even though i can feel everyone's eyes on me. i can't help but thrust my clit into her hand, desperate for more, but she pulls her hand away, always keeping it just barely on my pussy. she makes fun of me for how horny and pathetic i am, and i feel so unbearably humiliated but that only turns me on more, and i can't stop it. everyone is just staring in shock as i get more and more horny until ive turned into a dumb slut who can't think of anything but being pleasured, thrusting against her hand and begging for more in front of everyone. i could just push her away and get up and put my clothes back on and leave, but when im so horny i can't do anything until she lets me cum. i beg her to let me cum so the humiliation can end, but she doesn't want that. she keeps me soaking wet and pathetic, squirming and moaning on the couch for hours, and then she finally tells me ive been a good slut and she thinks i deserve to cum. at first im so grateful, but then i realize the only thing that could humiliate me more than this is being forced to cum in front of all these people, moaning and screaming and twitching with pleasure. I beg her not to make me cum in front of all these people, but she wont stop and the pleasure is just rolling over me in waves, making me feel more drunk and high than i already am. i weakly try to push her hand away, but she grabs my wrists and shoves them against the couch, and im helpless as she pumps my swollen clit in and out of her fingers. the orgasm overwhelms me, and im screaming and writhing against her hand, my clit twitching with oversensitivity as she continues to pump my clit. i know i'll regret all of this later, but the weed and the alcohol makes me so horny that i'm already needing more even though my clit is so sensitive from the first orgasm. i know i'll be pinned here begging to be fucked and doing whatever she tells me all night. and now everyone else at the party is also getting ideas about what they might want me to do on this second round...

#teasing #dirty talk #nsft #intox kink #public play fantasy #humiliation kink #trans nsft #queer nsft #nonbinary nsft #nsft text #nsft long text #nsft imagine #thespectaclexx #exhibition kink #o control #o denial

[derzeitbistduegal]

back hugs | kamisato ayato

pairing: kamisato ayato & gn reader

contains: fluff, comfort, eventually ooc ayato?, please do tell me if i forgot anything!

warnings: reader has sh scars and they are mentioned along with the fact that they used to sh, they also talk about how they get insecure about their body from time to time, (most likely bad grammer because english isnt my first language and its in the middle of the night as im finishing this) once again please tell me if i forgot anything!

words: 1k

notes: this is my first post man im nervous. i used to sh and im trying my best to stay clean and i want to write this as a comfort thing for myself but also others who used to do so and are struggling :3 have fun reading this absolute monstrosity

it was a common habit of you to hug your boyfriend, ayato, from behind. whenever he came home from a long day of work and would enter your room you would go and hug him from behind and bury your face in his back and hold your arms tightly around his waist. or when you both woke up in the morning and he sat up to leave your guys shared bed, you would sit up behind him and hug him just as tightly as you did the evening before.

this morning was no different, you guys woke up and he sat up and wanted to leave your bed. that was until he felt two arms around his waist and a head on his back and a chest pressed against his back.

he chuckled at that but that chuckle fastly died down when his sight fell on your arms.

he did know about your scars, what youve been through and that you were doing your best to not do that stuff again.

you figured that he was staring and quickly pulled your arms away.

“sorry,” you awkwardly laughed “i wasnt wearing long sleves, i forgot.”

“you dont need to apologise, dear.” ayato said, now sitting so that he faced you. he shifted closer to you so that he now sat right in front of you.

“youre always the one hugging me,” he sighed and let out a small laugh. “it might not seem like a huge gesture to you, but it definitely is to me. i should return that gesture from time to time, shouldnt i?”

with those words spoken, you felt two strong arms wrap around your waist and at the same time you were pulled into someones lap. ayato pulled you into a hug - a tight one at that.

your face was pressed against his chest as he began talking more to you.

“while i cant relate to what you have been through in your past, i do want to let you know that i will never judge you for what you did. you know when i stare at your scars from time to time, im not filled with disgust or anything like that if you thought so. when i look at them, hmm”, he said while stroking your hair “im proud that you made it so far, dear, and i see how hard youre struggling every day to not do it again. i can only imagine how hard it is to resist the urge sometimes. but do know that im always here for you and if you ever feel like doing anything of that sort to yourself again, please reach out to me, you can talk to me, even if its hard. whatever youre going through, we will find a solution for this together. im glad that youre here with me now, and hopefully tomorrow and the day after too. i love you so much, i cant put into words how much knowing that i have you in my life brightens my day.”

he finished his talk but still continued stroking your hair until he felt something wet on his shirt that made him stop. his hands cupped your face so you were looking at him, and there he saw that tears were rolling down your cheeks. his eyes widened slightly at the sight, thinking he said something that might have upset you.

but before he couldve doubted himself any further you started speaking “thank you, love. im glad you feel that way, you know. it is hard to live with a body that looks like mine knowing full on well that i am the one to blame for the way it looks. from time to time i tend to get incredibly insecure about it, even around you, just like it happened a few minutes ago. i do know how you feel but sometimes i cant stop from letting the selfdoubt get to me. thank you for reminding me of that again. i love you too. having you in my life not only brightens my day, you know, it makes my entire existence more pleasant, it makes living actually worth and enjoyable. thank you for being here with and for me.”

as you spoke, your tears slowly stopped flowing and your hands laid on top of ayatos hands which still were cupping your face and he smiled at you. it was the smile that you loved so much, the one that only existed for you, the one he only gave to you.

he gently took your hands in his and started kissing both of your arms up and down.

“i love you”, he whispered against one of your arms “and i love your body, too, no matter how it may look like.”

“youre gonna make me cry again.” you said as he looked up to your face. as he did look up however he saw that you were smiling, at which he also smiled at.

one of your hands freed itself from his and went to cup his cheek. and with that, you gently pulled him into a kiss which he returned.

after you broke the kiss to breathe, he put his arms around your waist once again and he nuzzled his head in your neck.

“say, ayato, dont you have work to attend to? weve been in bed for way too long, havent we?” you asked.

“did i not tell you?”, he asked back, head still buried in your neck “its my day off today. we can stay in bed together as long as we please.”

you could basically feel his shit eating grin against your neck, but still, who were you to complain? after all staying in bed with your lover wasnt a bad thing.

“good, good.”, you started “lets stay like this for a little while longer.”

he hummed in response which sent slight shivers down your spine. “lets do just that.” he muttered as you kissed the top of his head.

#kamisato ayato #genshin ayato #ayato #ayato fluff #ayato x reader #ayato x gn!reader #ayato x gender neutral reader #genshin impact #genshin imagines

[himbos-hotline]

fic writer asks: 4, 10, 13, 17, 22, 23 ~

4.) Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Honestly? really anywhere. Some of my fics come from sentences that appear in my brain or sometimes they happen because I can picture an animatic to a song and because I can't animate for shit- I write it. Some of my favourite fics I have ever written comes from outta all palces, Uquizz questions. Or answers. My first hangman/kenny fic came from a uqizz answer that made me kinda tear up. It is my favourite thing ive ever written. I have no real place to dive into the well of answers- its just constantly getting little idease and filling up!

10.) Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

The first thing Matt does when he finally bundles Jay through the door to the Elite’s hotel room is grab them softly by the shoulders. She blinks at him as if he doesn't know him; confused and frog-like. The light looks like it burns their eyes and Nick tries his best to dim the lamps bestie the beds, fiddling with the buttons before the light becomes soft glowing embers and Jay stops squinting. There’s the last of few snowflakes sticking to their hair, melting away into small patches of wetness.. Matt reaches down and rushes them away, feeling them disappear against the calloused pads of his fingers.

From: The ghost story would be over [Chapter three]

13.) what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

If you can tell from anything I've written, im always big on show don't tell. Sure just telling someone something really puts the point across but I think sometimes extended methaphors and flowery language pulls so much more emotions and thoughts out of the readers and really makes me think upon specific lines. Also this is the only advice I can give to new writers, is have fun! You are writing for you first and even if YOU think its bad, theres gonna be someone out there thats gonna love it. Only You can write the stories that you wanna tell, so do it! I'm proud of you for putting a small amount of your soul into the words.

17.) What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

I re-read some of my stuff, read some of my favourite fanfics. Talk to my big sibling about writng ideas. Honestly just try to force a little idea out. All writing is good, even if its just a sentence that youre gonna end up deleteing. Remind myself that this is for me first of all, im writing because I like providing content and I love wrestling and writing for it, I love my friends and the content they produce. I also am big on going back through comments and tags on reblogs of my old fics because that shows me that I CAN DO THIS! even if it takes me a little while, I will get something out that I will be proud off and people are going to love it.

22.) Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

Oh boy, theres a few if I think about it. I wont write X reader because theyre just, not my style. I like going into a characters emotions and thoughts and feelings. I can't do that with X reader. I also rely a lot on descriptions so thats also another thing that you cant do in X readers. I reblog the ones that I like because I'll read them now and again. I wrote write Buckcest for reasons I really shouldnt have to go into. Things like rape or like extreme tortue is another one I wont write. I also won't write anything A/B/O or Mpreg cuz personally I think its gross. Afgain yall can like what yall like but its just not my vibe- makes me feel all kinda squirmy inside. I can't write first person POV for shit and second POV just feels odd, I think i've written it once and it was a STRUGGLE. Also just because I throw so much into fics that they get outta my hands. I could not stick to the 100 words only drabbles. Theres just so much story and build up I love to write and again with the flowery language 100 words just isnt enough!

23.) Best writing advice for other writers?

HAVE FUN! thats the most important thing! You should at least enjoy writing and it should have a possitve effect on you. It should be fun. theres also some tips somewhere on my blog. I have a tag or at least HAD a tag that should be 'mouses writing advice' theres a whole buncha tags there

ask game // list of wips

#mouse has pals #ss trashboat #fanfic ask games

[smashingdownyourdreams]

Im mad, im sad

I know I shouldnt enrage myself so much

But i couldnt help it

The sharp bleeding of your questions

The fear to be again humiliated, misunderstood

So everything you ask is part of an investigation im overwhelmed with

I Just want to be with you but, but your sour words just confirm

I am right

My sight won't change

Your fears won't change

You don't believe me

You probably won't

I am right

You're just trying to get a confession i won't make

A confession for something i didn't do

I do care about you

I know you care about me

Why are your words and rage legit?

Why arent my words and rage and cries legit?

Why am i not allowed to feel, to suffer?

I made mistakes, but this doesn't give you full right and reason, this doesn't mean im a person no more, or annihilates my sense of sorrow. If you think i deserve It, if you think i have no more right to be, to react as i feel, to tell you when your words are excessive, we have nothing to discuss about

If i have constantly to stop crying or react because my cry or agitation annoys you

We don't have much to discuss about

I promised myself no one would tell me to fucking behave in reaction of their speech or words

If im crying accept you made me fucking crying

If you're saying something absurd After months of anything, months of cries and screams and fights and relapses, i will fucking scream, then fucking cry, then fucking laugh, then fucking lose myself in the thought of me being alone

I won't accept another "die"

I won't accept another "bitch"

I won't accept another "i am the only one who didn't rape you, so respect me"

I won't accept another "oh my God you're exaggerating. Stop crying! How old are you?"

I won't accept another "shut up"

I won't accept another "tell me, i know you did It. Gotcha! I know you did it just LOOKING AT HOW YOURE REACTING TO THIS"

I won't accept another "oh, you dressed yourself as you're a working gal, WHY?"

I won't accept another "you can trust me" then starts saying all things he hates about me

I won't accept another "go away" and related "AH! YOURE GOING AWAY UH? SEEMS YOU WERENT WAITING FOR NOTHING ELSE"

I won't accept another rejection with no explanation

I won't accept another touching or reading my stuff

I won't accept having sex then starting again telling me what you hate about me

I won't accept you being so secure about something you just FEAR

I won't accept another doubt, i won't accept to fear to speak, act, react, write, open up

I won't accept being denigrated, treated as my things arent valid just because different

I won't accept it

Pushing me so hard, trying to pull out something from my mouth when im not ready, to treat me like im stupid, assuring me you understand me then brutalize me, that you understand but still don't get what i am saying

Is just helping me digging a grave i wish i'll see soon

[iamloveandlightsworld]

I had an okay day

The last month I've been talkative and not too down

But then like a switch

I feel like I'm being pulled under the water again

My mind is chanting stick a knife in your throat

You're disgusting

I hate looking myself in the mirror

I haven't been drinking water

So ofcourse my face looks like a monster

I haven't been moving ofcourse my body is disgusting

I don't have a personality ,I'm as bland as they come

I'm a fraud,an imposter

I'm a bad person who loses interest in people and then blame them for not caring enough

I'm pathetic because I expect people to care when I'm already pushing everyone away

Lately most shows I watch with mum there has been a suicide

And she'll comment something like Amejiua

And she has zero awareness that I am thinking and planning on how to die

There are so many people who have potential and are good people and have the will to live but they die

I wish I could give them my life

You might be wondering..ah..she was so weak and such a coward..did she expect us to read her mind...why didn't she ask for help...she knows we love her and we supported her

Maybe I'm wrong

I'm a lazy ass bitch who can't get off her ass and look for work

I've wasted everybody's time and money

Mum and dad must have spent a fortune on my education

But lil sad Gin...poor Gin...just take your meds and integrate into society and stop being so pathetic

You expect people to wake up and serve you

What a joke....can I just sleep and never wake up again

Why am I so resistant to God

People seem to have their lives together when they believe and trust in God

I don't really try to make an effort to get to know him

The being in charge of me

The being who supposedly loves me so much he brought me to existence to fulfill some type of purpose when I'm on earth....the one who will send my soul straight to an eternity of pain and misery

Gin...you think being this privileged is so miserable

Wait till you're in purgatory and burning in hell for an eternity

Why the fuck are you so resistant

I think it's because I'm exhausted

I don't want to be helped

Maybe I deserve an eternity for suffering

You're nothing but a waste of space

Taking up oxygen that someone else needs

Like I lie in bed and let mum slave herself with house chores

Like Fuck Gin....you could at least be helpful if you're going to lazy around in bed and eat free food and get free shelter and clothes and electricity and comfort

I mean why the fuck do you feel like you're suffering

What the fuck is wrong with me

JUST TAKE THE KNIFE AND PLUNGE IT IN YOUR HEART

YOU DESERVE A PAINFUL DEATH

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD DAUGHTER

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD SISTER

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD NIECE

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD GRANDCHILD

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD FRIEND

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD HUMAN

SO HURRY UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY

THE MORE YOU PRETEND PEOPLE NEED YOU

THE MORE IM HURTING THEM, NO ONE NEEDS YOU

I MEAN THEY WILL BE HURT AND BETRAYED BY MY SELFISHNESS 😂😂😂🤣SEE EVEN IN DEATH YOU ARE A MISERY TO EVERYONE‼️

YOUR COALS TO BURN YOU ALIVE FOR ETERNITY ARE ALREADY BEING LIT

I MEAN I DONT WANT TO GO TO HELL

IM NOT EVIL

I DONT WANT TO BE ON LUCIFER'S OR GOD'S SIDE

I JUST DONT WANT TO BE ON ANYONE'S SIDE

I DONT WANT TO EXIST

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON AFTER ONE DIES...BUT CAN I JUST PLEASE DISSAPPEAR AND CEASE TO EXIST

LOOK AT YOU GIN

RUNNING AWAY FROM LIFE LIKE A COWARD

AND ALSO TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM MY PUNISHMENT

I FEEL LIKE I CANT BREATHE

I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BEING SQUEEZED SO HARD

YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO HUMAN SOCIETY

YOU SEXUALITY

YOUR MINDSET

NO ONE NEEDS SUCH FILTH,DIRTY STAINS IN THEIR LIVES

I WAS HERE BUT I WAS NEVER HERE

YOU SAID HELLO ONCE OR TWICE

SO MY DEPARTURE FROM EXISTING SHOULDNT AFFECT YOU AT ALL

JUST ATTEND MY SENDING AWAY BTS THEMED "FUNERAL"...CRY A LITTLE...REMINISCE SOME OLD TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES

FOR MY FAMILY...I AM EXTREMELY PROFOUNDLY SORRY TO MY FAMILY...I WISH I COULD ERASE MYSELF IN A NOT SO TRAUMATIC WAY..LIKE A PHYSICAL ILLNESS OR SOMETHING...THATS EASIER TO ACCEPT AND MOVE ON

BUT MAYBE LEARN FROM ME

IT MIGHT BE PAINFUL

BUT PLEASE GROW CLOSER AS A FAMILY

STAND TOGETHER AND LOVE THE HELL OUT OF ONE ANOTHER

To be completely transparent and honest,Bangtan are a very high reason why I never stick a knife in my throat esp Park Jimin...I keep telling myself to wait and see what they do next....they will never know they had someone who loved them so much that they were my life jackets,my beam of light...they will never know of my existence as an individual and that's okay...it's been a great journey with them...they made me see the beauty of life but unfortunately the darkness won....I CAN BREATHE TOTALLY FINE BUT I CANT BREATHE....MY LUNGS ARE BURNING..MY MIND IS SCREAMING....DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE WHY WONT YOU DIE YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT....🤮🤮🤮YOU DISGUST ME..NOTHING ABOUT YOU IS LOVEABLE...WELL YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE..THEY CANT HATE YOU...GOD STRIKE ME DOWN..IM AN EMBARRASSMENT AND A WASTE OF SPACE, A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM...PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND ERASE ME...PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND JUST MAKE ME DISSAPPEAR NEVER TO EXIST AGAIN..PLEAS HAVE MERCY ON ME AND FORGIVE ME

PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND DONT CONDEMN ME TO AN ETERNITY OF PAIN AND SUFFERING

GIN.....WHAT IS RHHSSUEYEHKSKAUJDJKDJWJEJJEJEJJEJWJJRJDJJAKSJDIIE...IM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE

PLEASE DONT HATE ME

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

I don't own any of this photos credit to the original owners

#thoughts #negativeintrusivethoughts #self-deprecating #mental health #mentally drained #exhausted af #archive #late night thoughts

[soahpp]

Lol

#i fucking hate this i cant do this sht its tearing me up sm. im in so much fucking pain inside augh #i was venting abt this w a friend last night #it feels like im trying to pull myself away from something that i shouldnt. like. fuck #it feels like smth i should always hold close n never let go #like fuck its making me literally feel nauseous trying to hold myself back sm #im fighting so fucking hard to hold back #i feel like its making almost love you more. and i want to tell you that #i want to tell you how much i love and care for you even more but i fucking CANT bc its illegal or smth apparently #idk. fuck. #god i jus.... #i jus wanna fuckin kiss u no matter what #kissing you feels so... gud n peaceful n nice n euphoric n the thought of possibly never being able to do that again makes me wanna #fucking d1e like jfc i kno thats dramatic but idk how else 2 word #ur literally.... the light of my life. #i dont need you to complete me but you make me feel complete #fuck. starts agsin oughuu #i just... i dont want to have to hold myself back #i wanna be yours forever and you be mine forever. no matter what #ugly cries into my hands #vent

[warmau]

love struck!au x tbz

find other love struck!aus here: monsta x | day6 | ateez *this post was commissioned through kofi

sangyeon

confident sangyeon spends half the day flirting with you

then shy sangyeon spends the rest of the day running embarrassment laps around the creker building

he has high spikes of adrenaline where its just quite literally circling you with hearts in his eyes and doves singing 

and then low long silent moments where he sits in a corner, muttering at the wall and everyone is like what is going on with him

if he could he might just spend eternity flip-flopping between the two

it’d take an intervention to get him to just seize the opportunity during one of his more positive moods to just ask you on a date

the only problem is he talks so fast and so jumbled and waves his hands around 

and you’re like wh-

and he’s like datetommorrowcoffeeorteawhichdoyoupreferdoyounotevenwanteitherwhataboutumlikeamoviepleasesayyes

once again you are like ?

and sangyeons meter of confidence is slowly depleting hes about to run away until sunwoo is like 

let me step in and translate: 

sangyeon wants to go on a date with you tomorrow

when you brighten up and accept, sangyeon just breathes a sigh of relief and maybe almost tips over from the intense amount of feelings hitting him at once lol

jacob

no one takes him seriously when he starts saying he likes you

not because you’re unlikable but because jacob says it with such normalcy that everyone is like

nah

if you liked them, you would definitely be all mushy and shy and embarrassed about it

and jacob is like what are you talking about im not embarrassed to have a crush on someone i think is really awesome 

even kevin is like dude don’t push it - you shouldnt make jokes about liking people

and jacob is just like *blinks*

but seriously, everyone expects him to be writing lyrics in secret and practicing some kind of grand serenade to ask you out - like you’re literally an angel dude so you have to like someone in the most cupid-esque way possible

which jacob is just like :/ about because there’s no right way to show someone how much you like them-

juyeon: sorry what i was not listening?

you on the other hand, don’t ever even catch wind of it because jacob is so sweet at all times

polite, caring, gentle touches, lots of eye contact, little smiles that make your heart melt, the usual

that you just assume he’s like this to everyone so of course you are clueless and his lack of grandiose confessions is making everyone else clueless too

until one day jacob is like fine if no one believes me ill just tell them a

nd everyone in the room is like pfft would love to see you try-

three seconds later jacob is standing in front of you and saying “want to date me?” and you’re so shocked you can’t speak

but the rest of tbz is so shocked at least three of them nearly faint 

younghoon

keeps his mouth shut

literally like shut shut like not a WORD to you or to anyone in a five foot distance of you

he’ll be talking to chanhee about something and you’ll walk in and suddenly younghoon just hits pause

chanhee is like hello are you broken hello and younghoon is just _____

until you walk out of the room and then he’s like

“-that’s why i think we shouldn’t include that dance move”

and chanhee is like what the hael just happened

you will be in a conversation and pull younghoon over to join you and when you’re like what do you think!!!!!!!1

he looks at you and the cognitive function for speech just disappears 

maybe its your cute face accelerating his heartbeat or maybe its the all the nerves in his body going haywire because all he wants to say is how much he really really likes you

but he can’t just SAY that so instead he says nothing

sometimes he’s lucky and members who understand this younghoon lovestruck glitch are around can save him

but sometimes its just you and him and silence until youre like ok- well-

you think maybe he just doesnt want to talk to you because he doesnt like you

so you apologize for bothering him

and its like everything that has ever blocked him from speaking before just flies out the window

because suddenly younghoon is holding your hands in his and saying

“no, im sorry. i just dont know what to say because i like you so much.”

it’s the longest sentence you’ve ever heard from him

and you are so flustered but all you can say back is

“you can keep saying ‘i like you’ if you want...........”

younghoon for the rest of the week: i like you

you: giddy

tbz: kinda wishing he’d shut it again 

hyunjae

there’s no lovestruck period, it’s straight up infatuation from day ONE

and it comes at full force

hyunjae is like bubblegum, stuck to you and only you

sugary sweet and always reminding you that he is available whenever you decided you want to take him

it can really overwhelm someone, because his attention is fixated and forthcoming

and i mean you’d really have to lack all the common sense in the world not to see that he’s interested

but that’s the thing interest is not always a form of sincerity so you just kind of chalk it up to him trying to be funny

and he sprawls across your lap like a cat

happy with the fact that you just giggle and smile because ok you might never believe that he’s so in love with you it hurts but at least you still let him near you

really people probably ask you if you’re dating him and when you say you’re not their follow up is usually like well arent you exhausted having someone you dont love always around

and you’re like um - no well - i mean - and you are like ok i mean i do love him but im not going to be a fool and fall into a trap of thinking im special

and hyunjae will literally be like they are special. i feel nothing for anyone else, it is just them

and you’re like see! he’s so sweet!

and at some point i think you either drive hyunjae crazy and he kisses you because words are pointless - actions are everything

or chanhee pushes you two into each other from pure, unfiltered annoyance 

“if you love each other stop pretending like it’s a big joke and just DATE!”

juyeon

return to kindergarten romance

literally he sees you and goes pink to the ears and slinks behind his friends even though he’s taller than most of them

and he can barely hide the fact that he jumps over the rainbow when your shoulders brush in the halls

if no one knew any better, juyeon probably scribbles your name in hearts on a notebook page somewhere

but then crumples it up and almost eats it if anyone tries to see what he’s up to

but again you enter the vicinity and he’s goo - muttering and forgetting to string nouns to verbs or whatever

everyone is so amazed that someone with so much charisma on stage can turn this goddamn goofy around someone he likes

and you are energetic and bright - you always want to pull juyeon into the loop - and you think the flustered look on his face is just from genuine surprise or confusion

and you’re like “oh! let me explain what we’re doing blah blah blah” and yes juyeon knows you guys are going to play monopoly but like words? dont? come ? out ? of ? his ? mouth?

and just like kindergarten he probably ends up writing you a note about how much he likes you (tick this box for yes and this box for no) or some form of that

maybe like a text where he is like hi do you want to go on a date and it was actually supposed to be like a ten page essay about why he likes you but then he got too nervous to send it so yeah

its a text that comes out of the blue and when you agree and see juyeon in person the next day you’re like why didn’t you just ask me like months ago

and once again, words? dont? come? out? of? his? mouth?

kevin

gift giving

nonstop gift giving

like to a point where jacob is worried about kevin’s spending habits 

but it is all like handmade items and cute stuff he sees that reminds him of you 

and everyone knows he has a crush before he can even process it because they’re doing a show halfway across the country and everyone is like practicing or doing something on their own

and kevin’s like guys look i saw this in a shop and it reminded me of-

all of tbz looking at him like: we know who it reminded you of

he plays it off though when he gives you the gifts, he’s like ah this was just like in my bag or whatever or oh i made this extra keychain when i had a day off like do you want it

and kevin thinks he is so sly and covering it up so damn well but he isn’t 

you try to give gifts back, mostly because you feel bad that he’s always offering something to you

and one day you are like - at first as a kind of jest - like “here ill just give you myself in return” 

and you throw your arms around his neck like you’ve done a million times before and oh shit you think kevin is going to pass out with how fast his heart starts beating and how he overheats

and you’re like kevin?!??!?! are you ok!?!??! and he’s like areyouserious

and you’re like wh and he’s like are you serious about that,,,,and you’re like oh well i mean do you even want someone like me

and kevin unblinkingly is like of course you are the only person i want

and suddenly you realize that these gifts youve been getting are kevin’s love language and its so freaking cute

(but also stop spending money just give kisses instead) (kevin agrees but he is still like im buying you anything cute i see because u are cute and cute people deserve cute things we love kevin moon logic)

changmin

ignores his feelings by throwing himself into his work

much to the surprise of no one, because he’s naturally a workoholic and perfectionist, but this time something is off

no one should be beating themselves up over such miniscule mistakes like he is

and hyunjae is convinced changmin has finally lost it, like the goddamn lid has flew off the kettle with this one

because they finish practice and everyone is clapping and changmin looks like he’s going to crush the speakers with his bare hands

less lovestruck as he is loveconfused because the real reason he’s so upset is like

he wants to focus so hard on being a great performer and whatnot but when he shuts his eyes or takes a moment to breath

his brain is fuzzy with thoughts of you and not like super romantic flowery thoughts like you see in movies or read in comics

its just little snapshots of you being,,,,,,,,,,,you

laughing along with eric, fixing the hem of your shirt in the mirror, waving at changmin before looking both ways and crossing the street to his side

GOD WHEN HAS SOMEONE CROSSING THE STREET MADE HIS HEART DO A BACKFLIP

the worst thing is he can’t seem to find a way for it to stop until like you are actually in front of him

like the real you - not the memories and thoughts he has daily of you - no just you

and you’re putting your hands on his face and he’s sweaty and hot from dancing for god knows how long and you’re like 

“don’t wear yourself out like this, take care of yourself - if you don’t want to do it for you - can you do it for me?”

and changmin realizes oh right - for you, for you he could move mountains, for you he could fly, like seriously for you he could do anything

and he thinks he just says this to himself but he just said it outloud and somewhere in the room hyunjae is slapping his knee like

“AH! he’s not nuts - he’s just in love.”

chanhee

falls head over heels for you and expects you to read his mind about it

you walk into a room and he sits up a little straighter and is like ok one step two step ok come over to me, look at me, pay attention to me

and you - because you are not a mindreader - go to talk to juyeon first

and chanhee is like OH I SEE HOW IT IS and gets all moody there on out

honest to god he probably knows he’s overreacting but he just does not get why you cant tell how he’s feeling

and he asks like everyone this question and theyre like what? because you aren’t making it obvious at all?

and chanhee is like what the hell do you mean i totally make it obvious and everyone is like did you ask them out? did you get them a gift? did you compliment them?

and chanhee crosses his arms like no......but like......i smiled at them in a way i dont smile at the rest of you clowns

tbz: :/ 

either way, you start to notice this pattern, that when chanhee is not getting your attention he gets a little like a cat and curls himself away from you

so you, much like one with a cat, start to shower him in attention

and he just uncurls and gets all giddy and swats anyone away who tries to get into your little bubble with him

and its a bit entertaining really lol but you think its just chanhee being chanhee

till it keeps happening over and over and over again and you’re like ok wait

and chanhee is like hmm and you’re like why dont we just go somewhere alone together like on a date or something if thats what you like so much

and chanhee, who has been under the suspicion you have been going on dates sitting together in the tbz practice room is like 

“oh right! a date, um i guess sure!”

inside he is screaming 

haknyeon

does not waste time, he puts his detective hat on and makes a plan

for one of the youngest members he probably puts the most diligence into liking someone 

its not just lovestruck butterflies and running away whenever you’re around

haknyeon swats all that gooey-mushy stuff away and is like ok lets see what movies do you like? what kind of food do you like? he has to know so that when he asks you out he is ready to impress

it shocks some of his other members, sangyeon has never seen haknyeon almost bite younghoon’s hand when he tried to as him to get off the shared desktop

haknyeon just wants to know everything about you - which kevin says he could probably do by talking more to you

and haknyeon is like go away grandpa and kevin is like WH-

either way, when it all comes to a head and haknyeon has memorized what he’s going to say in his confession to you for the one millionth time

he does not prepare for what actually happnes

which is you bound up to him with your arms open and you’re like let’s hang out! just the two of us!

and he’s like ok ill go get the other- wait

haknyeon.exe has stopped working

because truth be told he’d spend so much time trying to research and be perfect when all you really like about him is how fun and eccentric he can be

so you just ask him out first and this was not in the plan, but haknyeon is not about to let go of your warm hand as you pull him along beside you

sunwoo

swears to deny it to his grave because one) it’s embarrassing and.........no that’s it. it is embarrassing to have feelings

jacob: feelings aren’t embarrassing! they’re the reason we can care so deeply about others <3

sunwoo: ok nerd........keep it moving

and unlike younghoon who just goes silent around the people he likes or juyeon who tries to find sangyeon to hide behind 

sunwoo just straight up is like cold. and you are like what didi i do?

everyone is just like he’s complicated, it’s just who he is and he’s young so just ignore him

but it makes you sad that sunwoo just doesn’t want to be your friend

and in sunwoo’s head he’s like I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE YOU ARE MY DREAM PERSON BUT THATS SO FREAKING CORNY TO SAY SO LET ME JUST MAKE GRUMPY FACE

he also has such a bad luck, even when he’s not trying to come off mean he probably accidentally spills something on you or breaks something of yours

and instead APOLOGIZING like everyone is telling him to do he just yoinks out of the room and you’re like damn :( 

to be honest, i think the more you guys get distant the more sunwoo falls deeper into it because even with everything

you are always so kind and sweet and how? like how? how are you doing that?

it probably takes a miracle or actually just like someone spilling the beans to you that sunwoo stayed up all night trying to fix the bracelet of yours he broke for it to all change

for you to find sunwoo and hug him and thank him for trying to fix it and the minute you touch him its like 

all these stupid little walls he built melt into nothing and sunwoo is just like i like you so much im sorry im so dumb and you’re like

well you’re like shocked but youre like im sorry i also like you and im also dumb sometimes

both of you standing there wide eyed but also like super super super giddy

one day you aren’t even talking to each other the next day you are cuddling on the couch

kevin: these people are giving me literal whiplash 

eric

thinks you’ll never feel the same way so he does the next best thing, he tries to be your bestest friend

for someone so spunky and confident in himself most of the time you’d think lovestruck eric would just GO for it

but more than he is like outgoing and brave, he is devoted to people he loves

and losing you as a friend over confessing his feelings would probably spiral him into a dark place

so he’ll just take his spot as a super close friend, and horrible wingman 

who tries to get you to admit that you like someone in the group when you have told eric ten times no you dont like changmin like that and yes juyeon is cute but youre not interested

and eric just wants you to be happy and he thinks youre lying and keeping it from him because like you think it would be weird to date someone in tbz

and he’s like cmon tell me! or do you like someone from skz, im friends with felix - do you think he’s cute

and at some point it wears you down and you are just like over to play video games and have fun with eric

and he’s like hey felix said you were pretty when i showed him a photo and you are like ERIC LISTEN TO ME and he’s like blinking like oh?

and you’re like i do like someone but its you and so since that isnt going to happen lets move on

and eric is like lets not move on because from the minute i saw you i thought cupid lodged an arrow so deep in my heart its been stuck their permanently and yes i watched hercules last night so i made that analogy isn’t it about time you kissed me so i would shuttup?

and when you do you’re like ok i have wanted to do that SO many times and he’s like well you should have

and youre like dont be sassy i will bring up every oppurtunity you tried to hook me up with your group member if you do and he’s like

i will shut my mouth forever if that is what you wish <3

#the boyz au #the boyz imagines #the boyz scenarios #tbz au #tbz imagines #member: the boyz #tbz scenarios #the boyz #tbz #sfw #the way younghoon is the ideal man: nothing to say just heart eyes in a stupor JK trgkdls

[t0shii]

hq boys when you're feeling anxious or stressed

suna rintaro, hinata shoyo, oikawa toru x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety, reader comparing themselves to others, mentions of food & hunger, driving. this is like all fluff no angst rlly tbh.

SUNA RINTARO.

he could tell something was up but conviced himself he shouldnt pry as he had already asked you twice if you were feeling alright, to which you reasurred him with a "yep" both times, it was suspicious but he thought maybe you just wanted to be left alone. meanwhile you weren't sure why you lied him, you obviously were not doing okay at the moment. currently he was driving you home and your anxiety was going absolutely crazy from the amount of school work that was piling up on you, it's unfair you thought to yourself, looking out the window. not only were you stressed from work but trying to keep up with your friend was hard, to say the least. they were phenomenal students, straight As in their transcript and though your grades were just fine, you couldn't help but feel inferior and insecure. it's unfair how effortlessly smart they are and how i'll never be able to catch up.... oh boy if your thoughts weren't running wild before they definitely were now, you hadn't even realized your boyfriend pulling into your driveway until he slightly tapped your shoulder. "are you sure you're alright? i don't wanna pressure you ofcourse but, you know you can tell me anything right?" ... and there were the water works! the little string holding you together had snapped just like that. you sat there in the passengers seat sobbing into your hands and suna rintaro hadn't a clue what to do in the moment.

"give me just a sec" you heard him mumble but not before he gave you a kiss as light as a feather on the top of your head. somehow you didn't notice him exit the car and rush to your side until he opened your door and hugged you so tight you honestly couldn't breathe. after a few seconds your boyfriend let go of the embrace which, to his dismay, only made you cry even harder. now, he knew he was known for being quite... stoic but he was definitely panicking on the inside and it was really difficult to remain calm on the outside. your boyfriend carefully reached over you to unbuckle the seatbelt that you had yet to unclasp. "lets go inside baby." his voice was so gentle it would've taken you by surprise had you not still been crying. you nodded in response and he helped you carefully out of the car, holding your hand all the way to the door, "d'ya have your key?" you nodded trying your best to unlock the door, after a few struggled and shakey attempts you finally had your door unlocked but not without rins help because he couldn't bare to watch you struggle any longer.

stepping inside rin helped you take your shoes off, removing his own after, "bedroom?" having calmed down a little you whispered "yes," with a small nod. he nodded with you in response and took you to your bedroom. after helping you change into comfy clothes he helped you into bed, crawling in right behind you. your back was snug against his chest and he held you super tightly, it was silent for a few minutes until finally he spoke up, "please tell me how i can help" you could feel your lip quiver. "well... you don't have to say anything right now, you know i can wait. i'll even leave if you want, i just wanted you to know that you can tell me whenever you're ready and that i'll listen." neither of you were sure when you'd be ready to admit what had gotten you so upset but you felt comfortable knowing suna rintaro would be there whenever you were ready, whether it be minutes from now or even months.

HINATA SHOYO.

your silence on the walk home was starting to concern him.. maybe im just talking too much... he thought, "hey... im sorry if im talking your ear off.. how was your day angel?" to say he was disappointed with your response would be an understatement. not thar you HAD to talk but usually you were talkative with him and the worry in his tummy was only growing more. a simple, "oh.. my day was alright sho," simply woundn't cut it! "hey, are you feeling okay?" it was silent for a few seconds before you answered a mumbled "i think so, are you feeling alright, sho?" he simply nodded with a "mhm" and you told him to continue on with his story from earlier.

he complied but only to fill the silence. hinata decided to trust you when you said you were okay because you know your own feelings and he knows for a fact he's made it clear before that you could and should let him know if something was bothering you. though you enjoyed listening to hinata's stories you only found yourself getting lost in your own mind whilst he rambled on.you could tell he was suspicious of your behavior but was grateful he had left his curiosity behind because you were sure you would snap if he had asked you if you were okay again, you really didn't want to cry in front of him. truth is, your thoughts were running wild, stressing over the smallest things; assignments due at the end of the week, what you were gonna get your boyfriend for your anniversary, how you were gonna make time for your friends surprise birthday party and helping sho with his studied all the while trying to take care of your own self and keep your own grades afloat. "y/n..? we're at your house.. are you sure your alright? you look a little pale, are you ill?" crap! how had you not noticed you were approaching your own driveway you wanted to slap yourself for being so clueless. you couldn't help but feel horrible for not listening to your boyfriends story also.

"yes sho i'm fine really, i just didn't have time to eat lunch today but i have food inside so don't worry m'may?" he looked at you suspiciously and you knew he was onto you, "y'know y/n, i'm not gonna force you to tell me what's going on but just know i'll always be here for you, okay?" he gave you a small smile before engulfing you into a tight hug, it honestly melted your heart. surprisingly, you didn't start crying on the spot. "y'know, i wanted to trust you when you said you were okay but now i'm not so sure if you were telling the truth," he mumbled into your shoulder. you sighed, giving up the facade. "sho.... i just don't know what to do honestly, i have alot on my plate right now and i'm really stressed with all the responsibilities ive piled onto myself," you admitted. he nodded lifting his head from your shoulder, giving you the brightest smile, "well, i can always help out! i might not be the mooost helpful person ever but i'll try my best, and if anything i'm good moral support!" you giggled at that but suddenly you felt your lip quiver from the sudden guilt you feeling, "i'm sorry for lying to you sho-", "hey! its alright! you dont need to apologize. especially dont need you crying on me now!" he smiled cupping your face in his hands, wiping away a few stray tears of whom managed to escape.

OIKAWA TORU.

you smile back at him and thought of how silly it was that you tried keeping your feelings a secret from your boyfriend of two years, hinata shoyo, feeling glad that you confided in him. he knew you were upset as soon as he saw you that very morning, he could read you like and open book and you knew that fact very well. still though, you tried your best to hide yourself from him, though it was hard considering you sitting right next to him in the passenger seat of his car. finally after a whole day of being worried sick, he was tired of leaving things left unsaid "babyyyy," he sang for you from the kitchen, "please come here a sec!" he yelled for you louder. soon you came trudging down the hallway, blanket wrapped around your body, he couldn't help but smile at how adorable his s/o looked.

"c'mere quickly," he said will a grin, opening his arms for a hug, which you gladly accept, wrapping your arms around his waist tightly. "now, i know you know that i know that you're not feeling well, so please tell me what's got my angel so upset?" he said softly rubbing his hand lightly over your back, his voice a little muffled from his cheek being squished against the top of your head. you let out a breath you hadn't even realized you were holding, "'m sorry tooru, i don't know what's wrong with me today.... just not feeling well." you felt him nod against your head in response, "well good thing your amazing boyfriend is here to make you feel all better huh?" you let a out small giggle at that. "you know you can tell me when you're feeling down right? you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside", "i know tooru... im sorry, i just dont really know wbat i'm feeling so down about though," you admitted shyly. "hey that's okay! there absolutely no need to apologize for that, here, look at me, angel," he tilts your face so you're looking up at him, his big soft hands holding your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks lightly, "i'm here whenever you figure it out, hell, even if you dont figure it out or there just isn't any reason at all. you know i'm always, always, always here. i promise you that, m'kay?" he finishes his little speech with a smile, smothering your face in kisses. you could only feel relieved, thankful and loved. because you knew that you would always have your soulmate, oikawa toru by your side.

( a/n ; ahh so im sorry if this has any spelling or grammatical errors it's sort of late as i'm writing this! and im too lazy to proof read.... also it might just all be word vomit and if it is im so sorry 😩 ++ i'm positive ive kept the reader gn throughout the whole thing but if there are slip-ups i promise i'll do better next time! i rlly wanted to write some hq boys when ur feeling anxious and beyond stressed because i have been MEGA struggling with my own anxiety lately, especially bc of school so i just needed to let my feelings go! anywhooo i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day or night! ) p.s. im new to writing so be nice 2 me or whatever 😩🙄😌👍🏻

#oikawa x reader #oikawa x y/n #oikawa toru #oikawa headcanons #suna rintaro x reader #suna x reader #suna x y/n #suna rintaro headcanons #hinata shoyo #suna rintaro #hinata x reader #hinata x y/n #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu fluff #rintaro x reader #shoyo x reader #toru x reader #sunni's works 📓

[hotrobins]

touch me if you dare || jason todd

Summary: Jason and fem!reader starts a friends-with-benefits relationship after a dirty joke.

Content: Smut with a little fluff and innocence kink.

Word count: 1646

Half-hour had passed since Jason came back from Bruce's office and he was still rage trembling. He didn't want to say what they discussed, he just deep breathed while driving, his knuckles white.

You knew him since you started working in the Gotham Public Library two years ago, but the talking that led to this friendship was still pretty recent. Today you were going to an aquarium inauguration but when his father called and said that there were urgent matters to discuss, you insisted that he should go and you would wait in the car, so Jason changed the route to the Wayne's Building.

Clearly he regret that decision now, because he stormed from there without a word and drove you to your apartment in silence, only breaking the silence to apologize to you once. When you arrived tho, he didnt unlock the car doors.

There you were, wanting to help him calm down but not knowing how since he didnt want to open up, not knowing if its better just say good night as clue to remember him to let you go, or you should invite him in.

You looked at him at your side, one hand at the steering wheel, the other clenched in a fist on his tight. Jason's eyes were closed and you allowed yourself to admire him aside your worries about his emotional state.

Jason was beautiful in hard angles and undertones. In the first couple months in the library, you were still fresh with the thinking that readers were a solid type, and every day you were surprised to see a boy like him enter and spend the late afternoon with his nose in a book. Now, being his friend, you knew Jason were a bookworm, but looking at him still took your breath. In this moment specially, with his muscles compressed, the semblance hard and that big hand against a bigger tight, something right down your belly woke.

He let out a light chuckle and you looked up to his face, panicked.

"Liking the view?" He said with amusement. The right side of his mouth doing that thing and leaving a dimple to show.

You ignored the ask and focused on the desert street in front of you, for sure blushing a deep red. You still could feel his gaze on your body.

As the seconds passed, the atmosphere in the car began to change again, and you knew his playfull smile hadnt hit deep in his demeanor.

"There's something I can do?" You said on a low tone.

"May you give me a blowjob?" He blurted, releasing a deep laugh. "Never heard of a man with bad humor while having his dick sucked." He was trying to change the air between you two, too.

"Yeah, i wouldnt mind." You said at once without thinking, and Jason couldn't hold back another laugh, this time a real one.

You should feel glad that he found you funny, but in that moment you discovered you were serious. "What? To be honest, I wouldnt not only mind it, but would really delight myself with it." You said with the most sensual voice you could make, adjusting yourself in the seat to see him better.

Now he was serious too, his blue eyes with dilated pupils holding yours. You couldn't maintain the glase as his adam apple went down as he swallowed dry, putting a lock of hair behind your ear.

"So touch me if you dare, darling."

It was all it took. Without another moment pass he opened his belt and lowered his jeans enough for you too see he was already half hard. As you took his cook in your hand, you wondered if you looked too desesperate, but when he sighed immediately and leanead comfortably on the car seat allowing you to touch with him better, you forgot to care if he could feel it was the first time you ever did it.

You started slowly, pulping him up and down, learning the texture, touching some veins that pulsed lightly, seeing as his tip disappeared and appeared again a little more wet every time, slobbering your hand and then the rest of his cock. The view of it was driving you insane to taste it, so as you began to bend down Jason let out a quiet moan, feeling your hot breath so close to his tip but not on him yet. You looked up as gave it a tentative lick, and the way his eyelids fluttler before opening to look at you, god, you felt it.

You were right, Jason tasted more amazing than you have imagined, and soon you were not only licking the tip but were with all his dick inside your mouth, touching it as you could with your tongue as one of your hands rubbed the rest of him and the other massaged his balls. You couldn't get enough of feeling the taste of him and his moans, now less contained, only gave you more confidence to keep going.

The lack of pratical knowledge didn't troubled you anymore cause the way Jason where breathing hard only proved you were doing the thing right, even if it was in a slow pace.

"Fuck.." He said in surprise when you started playing with only his tip, circling it with your tongue.

His hips sometimes buckled up and you kissed his dick, putting it all in your mouth and letting it out with a pop, before giving special attention to the tip again.

"Enough with the tease darlin-" You went all way down again and tried to move your tongue, but it was too much and you gagged.

"Easy, easy.." He touched your cheek while you recovered your breath with your head leaning in his covered tight, your right hand never stoping the light caresses in his cock.

He was looking at you in a strange way and you desesperate needed to change the focus of his attention so you closed your fist firmly.

Jason moaned with eyes finally closing again, and you started once more your ministrations. The taste of him and the sensation of his hips bucking involuntary where too good for you and you moaned too, the vibration making him take part of your hair in his hand. You looked up to see a question in his half open blue eyes, the answer were another moan of you.

You started rubbing him vigorously while you sucked his tip, the hand on your hair not forcing you down but not letting you go either, and Jason's moans were becoming more frequent. He was close.

He loosed the grip on you reluctantly "I'm.. I'm going to.. You should.."

But you do not moved away, you put his dick all down your mouth until it touched your throat, and even if his cock didnt fit entirely, you tried. Your gag reflexes send him over the edge.

He come hard on you, throwing cum directly down your throat as his hips trembled. He could feel you trying to breathe and swallow his seed and control your gagling at same time and it made him want to fuck your mouth for real.

When you pulled off, you didn't think twice before licking his dick again, making sure that there wasn't any trace of his cum behind. Only then you got up and straightened yourself in the seat.

You didn't looked at him nor give him the chance to speak first, the realization of what happened coming hard.

"Look, I don't usually treat my male friends like this so don't judge me. Im not a slut, really, to be honest i have never done this before so.. And no, i retire what i said, there's not such thing as a slutty woman okay? We should do what we want without feeling guilty by society and-" Jason took your hand on his.

"Wait a moment." He said caressing your hand with his tumb. "You said you never did it before? Give head?"

You looked at him, there were not judgment, only curiosity and respect in Jason's face.

"I'm.. I shouldnt have said it but, yeah. If it wasnt obvious and you already knew, now you know." There was shame on your shoulders even if he wasnt being judgmental and seemed to have appreciated the moments before.

His eyes never left yours as he thought in silence, the atmosphere between you changing again.

"I never kissed either so it's not a big deal i gave you head because you joke about it, we should forget it.. Can you please unlock the door now?"

He put his hand on your waist to stop you from reach the panel, you had to look on his face, now just centimeters from yours. His breath were a mix of something and spearmint.

"You don't think I should claim your first kiss too? I mean.." His voice were low, controlled.

"I just.. your.. you know.."

"Yeah, i know darling. I want to taste it on you."

You closed your eyes and it was his clue. He closed the space between you two, using the hand on your waist to put your body closer. His lips were soft and his posture controlled, but you could feel how he was trying not to push your limits, how his tongue wanted enter your mouth and call it his. You were breathless, you didn't though it would be like this. So much with so little. Your heart pounded and when you opened your eyes and you saw you had leanead on his chest, both hands on his strong shoulders.

He had a half smile in his lips, the dimple a moment to show in its glory.

"It's starting to rain Jason." You managed to say.

"Yeah, and I'm only starting to kiss you for tonight.." He bended in your direction again, never taking his eyes from your lips.

#jason todd x reader #jason todd smut #red hood x reader #red hood smut #batboys smut #dc smut

[hella1975]

DRUNK HELLA DONT ANSWER THIS ASK I DONT TRUST YOU

Sober hella, in your opinion, what is the best time/way to kill off a character? Basically like how to not pull a banana fish and just kill characters for the sake of a dramatic ending lmfao

omg hi i also saw this when i was drunk and immediately forgot id seen it but now i vividly remember being like 'hehe im gonna answer it just bc you told me not to' and then some smart part of me was like 'hella NO' and i put my phone down. anyway here goes:

so i think i have a very biased opinion bc my viewpoint on this subject as a reader is very 'please dont kill characters that i like please god no' and it tends to reflect in my writing, but having said that, as a writer i do understand that not only is it necessary but sometimes it just DOES spice things up? and that's okay! it's literally totally okay if you look at a character and go 'i am literally only killing you because it makes things interesting'. you dont need some in depth bullshit reason behind everything you do. like me and @rotisserie5107 were saying the other day, sometimes sexiness is the only justification you need with writing. and no that's not a sexual thing i just mean genuinely making choices that are fun/aesthetically pleasing/etc. there's a real narrative with fiction atm that EVERY choice a writer makes has to have a genius explanation behind it and if a scene/dialogue/character doesn't further the plot then you need to axe them from the story, but i personally think it's bollocks.

what im trying to get at is that things like this are less 'when to kill a character' and more 'when to think twice', which thankfully narrows things down quite a lot. whatever you're thinking rn for the poor sod in question, id honestly say trust your gut. you are a writer and this is a person you have plucked from your brain. you are the only person who can be trusted with them. the ONLY time you should think twice is when it starts getting a little too... real. if their death symbolises something in a bad way, if they're the only minority character, or even something like if you just have a LOT of character death. i watched game of thrones in its entirety and for the hundreds of characters that died i cant think of a single one i actually felt upset about, bc it just got so ingrained into me that that's just What This Show Did and if readers know there's a lot of character death, they get very very apathetic to it.

so anyway sticking with the example of banana fish bc i think i may have mentioned once or twice how i feel about that show <3 (bf spoilers ahead):

ash was a victim of extreme sexual trauma starting in childhood. he was exploited by your typical rich white men. he was a child. his narrative was angled in a way that made him seem like he was going to get a happy ending just for it to be cruelly snatched away in the last 10 mins for the sake of shock alone. these are all factors that make his death grotesque. now this is all personal opinion bc there's a LOT of debate in the fandom about this, but ive made it very clear that i genuinely dont think there's any justification behind killing him off. 'it was foreshadowed' 'death was an escape' etc are all really fickle defences to me, because at the end of the day, what the author wound up saying is that people who can see their own traumas in ash are incapable of healing and shouldnt even bother, and that suicide (bc we all know he could have called an ambulance) is not only a good choice but quite possibly their only choice.

HOWEVER, as much as i hate it, if yoshida was so hellbent on killing ash off, there are ways i think she could have done it better. the shock element, for example. i dont think it's an inherently bad writing tool - hell ive done it myself a couple times - but killing the MAIN CHARACTER of the show in the last 10 minutes made it seem really thrown together regardless of foreshadowing and just gratuitously cruel to ash. he did not get the time he deserved and the viewer is kind of just left sitting there. i know i personally didn't actually cry or anything when banana fish ended bc i was still so stunned by what the fuck i just witnessed. i think if he'd died the episode before or at the beginning of the episode and we got to see things pan out from there and just have it SETTLE a bit, it wouldnt be so disrespectful to ash. also, less to do with writing which is why i stressed earlier that the 'donts' are actually significantly fewer than the 'just go mentals': yoshida had a habit of saying really dodgy shit in interviews that made it clear that the defence many viewers used in favour of ash's death - that it made narrative sense and allowed him freedom he 'only could have achieved in death' yadda yadda; they try make out it's super artistic idc - is actually bullshit, bc yoshida has ADMITTED that she thinks ash is a bad person and that's why she killed him, bc he has also killed people and therefore DESERVES TO DIE. so this is more of a check your own mindset before you kill a character. if they're a villain then go for it, but if you're enforcing some personal vendetta on a victim that has some real honest trauma then just be careful. that comment is super harmful, bc her 'this criminal deserves to die' blanket statement translates to 'this seventeen year old who has suffered the most horrific abuse and has been forced to do terrible things to survive to the point he doesnt know anything else deserves the exact same fate as the old men who knew EXACTLY what they were doing when they abused him'. like. come on

basically, there's actually very few ways to kill a character BADLY. youve got to consider that the reader wont like it no matter what you do (again, unless it's a villain), and if they do then you're doing something wrong bc you WANT them to love this character, to grieve them, to be angry for them. but it's killing them in a way that is DISRESPECTFUL to that character that things go wrong, and what is disrespectful to certain characters isnt disrespectful to others. ash showed nothing but grit and a need to survive for 24 whole episodes. when he was stabbed, he was RUNNING TO EIJI IN ORDER TO GIVE LIFE ANOTHER CHANCE. he was healing, he was hopeful, and we're supposed to accept that he let himself succumb to the same fate as his abusers, and not only that, but that he 'deserved' it. it's disgusting and really detrimental to a lot of victims of sexual trauma that ive seen discussing this in the fandom, because it is INCREDIBLY disrespectful to their trauma and their healing. if you took a different character though and killed them in the exact same way, it could work, because like i said, disrespect is subjective.

i hope that makes sense?

so yeah, banana fish is very much an outlier i think. try not to stress about it, im sure you'll pull it off and ruin EVERYONE'S day by pulling off a beautifully tragic character death x

#i think the fact you're even asking people's opinions says a lot though anon #i genuinely think you've probably got this sorted and you have nothing to worry about #but still i hope i could help in any way! #ask #banana fish #banana fish spoilers

[simpsiren]

sticky notes: the story

mark lee x reader

introduction 

main masterlist

description. you use sticky notes to get into contact with your soulmate.

genre. soulmate au, high school au, strangers to lovers au

warnings. nonee

a/n. so some people requested for a full story of this so here it is! i really liked making this because the concept is just so cute cudndn oh and i did include the same idea as what i did in my previous post but i had to change it a little so that it would fit the plot. this is a really really long ff since its a slow burn typa thing so please try to stick with me on this one HAHA anyways enjoyy! :D

“you actually believe that?”

you lift your head up from your notes to look at soyoung. she nods her head and hum eagerly. you rub your temples from seeing her respond. “i do believe soulmates exist. but sticky notes to talk to them? what’s social media for then? and how is it even scientifically possible?” you question soyoung, bringing your eyes down as you continue to do your homework.

“that’s the beauty of soulmates, ray!” soyoung whines. you shake your head. “you’re dumb to believe it without confirming the information with other relevant sources.” you mutter out bluntly. you hear soyoung letting out a ‘tsk’. “here you go again being a history student. i swear im glad i never took it.” you scoff and slam your pen on the table gently.

“excuse me, woman! at least i dont have to memorise the whole textbook and only having 5 pages of content coming out in the exam.” you stick your tongue out playfully to tease soyoung. “i cant get over the fact that valcanos didn’t come out eventhough i memorised so much for it.”

the both of you laugh, knowing that the two of you can never stop debating on whether history or geography is the better subject.

“ray complete your homework at home. we cant stay in the classroom for long you know?” soyoung stands up to get to her seat, which is 2 rows down yours since you were sitting right at the back. you liked sitting at the back. it allowed you to always be able to use your phone in case you get bored in class. you still cant believe that your teachers think you’re a good and obedient student. you figured they only assumed that due to your high grades.

you sigh “that’s true.” you turn around to grab your back that was hanging in your chair and start packing your materials. once you were done, you grab the class key and walk over to soyoung’s seat, waiting for her to finish packing. you notice soyoung has finish packing and went to switch off the lights. you allow soyoung to step out first before you close the door behind you and lock the classroom door.

you and soyoung walked down the hallway silently, you were looking out the window to watch the sunset while soyoung had her eyes on her feet. only your footsteps could be heard as almost everyone has left the school grounds except for some teachers who were working late. the school normally closes at 7pm and you’re walking out at 6:50. to break the silence, soyoung opens her mouth to start a conversation.

“okay if you dont believe me why dont you try it yourself? like write a simple introduction to your soulmate.” you raise an eyebrow as you shove your hands into the front pockets of your mom jeans. “why dont you do it?” you fought back as you huff. soyoung bites the inside of her cheek as a moment of silence passes for her to think of an answer.

“because i believe it. and you do not. so you should try it.” you smacked soyoung’s arm, making her flinch back and shouting a loud ‘ouch’. you roll your eyes, knowing you didn’t hit her hard and she was just overreacting. “brilliant excuse,so. but if its going to make you stop talking about it, i might as well.” soyoung face lit up as she jumps happily and starts skipping ahead of you. you laugh and pull the handle at back of her bag to keep her explosion of excitement to the minimum.

“you owe me brown sugar milk tea. large.” you taunted. soyoung waves her hand lazily. “i’ll buy you one after school tomorrow. but you better update me during math.”

you wanted to say how you could just text soyoung to update her, but you remembered the fact that soyoung’s mother took away her phone since she didn’t do well for this year’s midterms. although to you, soyoung’s grades were decent. unfortunately for her, soyoung has to live up to her asian mom’s high expectations. the thought of this made you want to frown, but you showed a bright smile regardless as the two of you finally made it to the school gate, waving to each other and bidding farewell before walking down opposite paths.

once you arrived at home, you took out your phone from your back pocket. you saw a notification from your mother saying that your parents would be home late. you shrug your shoulders as you walk to your room. “as always.” you breathed out.

you did your normal routine of showering and eating leftover dinner that you needed to heat up at the couch while you completed one episode of the anime series you were so hooked on. you continue watching but with the amount of homework you have, you might finish them all by midnight if you dont slack.

you turned off the tv and washed your plate before heading into your room. as you close the door behind you, your eyes immediately went to your desk, which was pretty messed up since you had a test to study for yesterday that you completely weren’t prepared for and had to squeeze in as much information as you can. hence, the scattering of notes and textbooks.

you stroll over to your desk and sat down. you take out your homework from your back which was beside the desk. looking at the stack of homework, you groan in despair as shove it to the back of the desk till it hit the wall. “ah fuck it! im just going to ask kun for help.” you admitted your defeat depsite thinking you would be able to gain some energy from your dinner. you also thought about how you’ve done your homework in the morning plenty of time so i shouldnt be a problem unless kun doesn’t offer his help.

you jump to your bed and lay down, bringing your phone out and immediately start scrolling through instagram. as you swiped your finger up to look at the posts of the people you follow, you stop at one. a picture of a couple who met through the sticky note theory. or so they claim. your thumbs hover over the screen as your eyes look up to the ceiling, starting to remember what soyoung asked to do to get your bubble tea.

yoy tap your index finger on the side of your phone as you constantly started to think whether you should do it or not. you’ve heard the rumours. but are they even true? the more you thought about it, the more intriguing the idea got. but at the same time, you also thought of how stupid it sounded and was probably made to fool people.

after contemplating and having in a debate in your head that felt like forever, you finally place your phone down beside you and take a deep breath. “ill do it.” you groan to yourself, letting curiosity take over your other feelings.

you gather up your strength to stand up from your bed and walk over to your desk. you push all the papers and textbooks aside, grabbing a yellow sticky notepad from your stationery organiser. you had other colours too like pink and purple, but you figured that you should go with the classic.

pulling out a random pen that was laying in between the pages of one of your textbooks, you tilt your head to the side as you start thinking of what to write, unconsciously biting the end of your pen in the process.

you bite the side of your cheek and shrug, deciding to go with the plan of writing whatever that comes to your mind.

um hi? i dont even know if you’re going to see this. its funny, really. i heard a rumour that you can communicate with your soulmate through sticky notes. it’s probably just fake news and im writing to a nobody. that would honestly be embarrassing but it’ll be like love letters.. to myself(?) or my soulmate. write back? haha

you read over what you wrote an endless amount of times, thinking if you should make changes. you groan and immediately stick the sticky note onto your wall, giving up on giving second thoughts about what you call this ridiculousness.

you went about your night, forgetting you have left the sticky note on the wall. as you were on you bed scrolling through tumblr at 2 in the morning, you hear something. it sounded like a piece of paper had fallen from your desk.

unable to see in complete darkness, you turn on the flashlight from your phone and walk around your room, trying to find whatever it is that fell. it didn’t take you long to find a small yellow sticky note that you accidentally stepped on.

you pick it up, remembering that you wrote on the sticky note and thought that it was yours. however, once you were able to get a closer look, you noticed that the words on the sticky note have changed. so has the handwriting.

holy shit. i dont know what is this. but apparently a sticky note appeared on my wall saying i have a soulmate. my friends told me i should write back because of some rumour. so here i am trying. hi im mark. i dont know your name, but hope you’ll tell me once you recieve this. you’re in luck because apparently the rumour is true. im just as crepped out as you are.

you froze in your spot. your fingers shaking as you read the note again. you scratch your head. being too tired and unable to think straight at 2 in the morning, you place the sticky note on your desk and went back to bed to play with your phone. you soon forget about the fact that your soulmate has replied to your message that you have written on your sticky note.

as you got ready for the next period which was math, soyoung immediately runs over to you, dragging the chair from the desk beside you and taking a seat. you flinch a little when you suddenly see her close to you. 

“so did you try it?!” soyoung asks, her voice filled with enthusiasm . you brushed a few pieces of hair behind your ear, nodding your head as you take out your textbook from under the desk. “did you get a reply then?” 

your mind started to take you back to the mysterious encounter that you had last night. “mhm.” you reply simply. “though the only thing i remember because it seems to be the only relevant information is that the person’s name is mark.” soyoung gasped loudly, making you crease your forehead as you watch her overreacting again. 

“your soulmate’s name is mark then.” soyoung concludes, folding her arms confidently as if she made a great discovery. you laugh, rolling your eyes sarcastically. “isnt it obvious?” soyoung frowns fakely. 

your mouth gapes open as you hit soyoung’s arm lightly. “buy me my milk tea!” you demanded with a wide smile. soyoung places her notebook on your table and nods constantly. “i will you addict.” she groans. you happily say thank you as your teacher comes into the classroom and class began. 

“what are you going to do about it now though?” as you recieved the question from soyoung, you kept silent for a moment, giving time to think of an answer.

 “ill write something back? i dont know.. ill have to read the letter again when i get back home.” you whispe to soyoung. she nods in reply as the two of you payed your attention to the front again. it surprised you that soyoung was paying attention but you only assumed that she wanted to do better in class and shrug your shouders, writing down the notes youve missed while talking to soyoung.

as for you, your concentration in class dipped slightly because now, the thing that is occupying your head the most is the thought that the sticky notes theory might actually be real and you cant say its not possible anymore, making you even more shocked than you did last night.

lucky for you, today is the only day of the week where your class ends the earliest, along with two other lower ranked classes. you and soyoung quickly pack up to go to the mall to get your reward. after soyoung buys you your drink, you and soyoung went your separate ways.

after about 30 minutes of taking the bus and walking, you finally arrived at home. you place your drink on the living room table and proceed to place your bag in the room and head for the showers.

once you were done showering, you walk out of the bathroom to head to your room while drying your hair with a small towel. opening the door, you enter and went straight to your clothing rack. just when you were about to grab a shirt from the hanger, you heard the same noise last night. another piece of paper has fallen on the floor.

you turn your head and look down. this time, you found another sticky note right in front of your feet. the colour of the sticky note changed from yellow to a light blue. you tilt your head as you pick up the stick note from the floor, finding it odd as you wonder how the colour of the sticky note changed.

you take a deep breath before reading it, noticing that the handwriting was similar to the one you read last night. a little messier, but still readable.

hi again.. im not sure if you’ll recieve this since its the afternoon and i know people are busy with work or school. i skipped school today so haha. um i just wanted to write to you, despite me not knowing a single thing about you. its odd really. its like i feel the need to write something to an unknown identity that people assume to be my soulmate. i still dont know your name, so i hope youll reply soon. take your time and take care :)

- mark

“skip school? what is he, a bad boy?” you scoff to yourself. you try to take in whatever’s on the note, but another thought comes to mind. you walk over to your desk and saw that the yellow sticky note with mark’s reply was still there. you find everything about this weird and just odd in general. a lot of questions sprouted, but you didn’t want to think of it since you were afraid you would complicate your thoughts and just throw yourself into a stress hole.

you continue to dry your hair with one hand while the other held onto the light blue sticky note. you bit your lip and gulp. after letting out a long sigh, you place the sticky note next to the other one and changed into your clothes, as well as bringing your drink from the living room table to your room, placing it on the desk as you sat down.

you take out your pencilcase from your bag and brought out your fresh new black pen that you just bought at the school’s stationery store. the previous pen you had was full of ink till soyoung was dumb enough to drop it, spoiling the pen and was unable to be used again.

peeling off another yellow stick note from the stack at the edge of your desk, you were about to put your pen on paper when you realise you dont even know what to write. what do you say to this person you barely know about? you continuously tap the edge of the pen against your desk as you take a sip of your drink. you look over to the two sticky notes with the messages that the person has left. its funny how you have to think so hard just to write a short message.

hey again. i actually ended school early today. my name’s raven. but my friends call me ray. i honestly don’t know what to say to you. im still dumbfounded over the fact that you’re my soulmate and we’re here communicating over sticky notes. the world really does work in a strange way. if you dont mind, i guess i want to know how old you are and you’re education status?

you held out the sticky note in front of you and sigh in satisfaction. why? it’s because of your neat handwriting. it was always a trait of yours that you deeply appreciate. you place the sticky note on the wall and advert your attention to the other sticky notes, placing them on the wall beside the new one you have just written.

“will this drive me insane? i might end up with a whole wall of this.” you say to yourself, rubbing your face with your palm before going to your bed and laying down, wanting to have your evening nap.

“this is awesome!”

“no its scary.”

mark and his group of friends stared at the sticky note that has a message written with beautiful handwriting. mark flinched when he felt an arm on his shoulder, turning around to notice it was chenle’s. “when did you write your previous sticky note?” renjun suddenly asked. mark tilts his head as he tried to find an answer.

“less than an hour before you guys came i guess?” mark shrugs, standing up from his desk and taking a seat at the edge of the bed beside jaemin and haechan. “this raven girl is your soulmate then.” chenle walks towards mark and stands in front of him. mark nods slowly. the room grew silent again with everyone having the similar thoughts.

“you know what would be funny?” haechan smacks mark’s thigh, the sound making everyone turn their attention to mark and haechan. “what?” mark asked with a sigh, running a hand through his hair.

“why dont we prank her and say you’re a sugar daddy and live in a mansion?!” everyone gave yuta weird looks, making haechan laugh hysterically. “are you crazy? do you think i want to chase my soulmate away?” mark scolded haechan, smacking him hard on the chest, resulting in haechan’s back falling onto the bed.

“you’re always asking for a beating i swear.” renjun comments, walking towards haechan and balling his hand into a fist and acting as if he was about to attack. jaemin laughs to try and calm them down. “kids let’s not fight.” jaemin announced, looking over to jeno only to find him standing there watching quietly.

“go ahead, mark. you should write something. we cant keep her waiting.” jeno finally spoke up, grabbing the sticky notepad and a random pen from mark’s table and passing it over to him.

mark stared at the blank paper while the others were talking about what to have for dinner. it didn’t take him long to decide what to write. when mark starts writing and began to be in full concentration, everyone crowds around him to see what he’s writing.

sup raven! i wont call you ray since we aren’t friends yet. im still shocked. like the possibility of things like this being possible is just another possibility that can possibly happen. but anyways, to answer you question, im a high schooler from dream high. im in my third year. its kind of awkward for me while im writing this since my friends are reading every word im taking down. i guess i should ask you the same question back then. hope to hear from you soon.

“will you guys stop being nosy?” mark groans, standing up and pasting the sticky note on his wall, along with the other sticky notes he received from you. “you didn’t have to say that we’re here.” haechan retorts. mark rolls his eyes. “jesus..” mark mutters under his breathe. “anyways, yall are paying for dinner since you guys bribed me to write back.” mark sticks his tongue out playfully and runs out to the living room. everyone follows suit.. except for jeno.

jeno slowly walks towards the wall and leans forward to get a closer look of the sticky notes, specifically the two others beside the new one that mark just wrote. “raven? why does that sound so familiar? the handwriting...” jeno brings his finger up and lightly hovers them over the uniquely written words. it looked like calligraphy, and retro looking. jeno felt as though he had seen it before somewhere, or knew someone who wrote like that.

jeno snapped out of his deep thoughts when jaemin called out to him, making him walk towards the door and glancing at the sticky notes once more before joining the others in the living room.

you were currently video calling your friends when you heard the crackling of a piece of paper. of course you knew what that meant. you peered down the the floor from your bed and reached your hand out to pick up the sticky note. “ray?” doyoung called out to you when he noticed your face wasnt on screen. you lay back down on the floor and brought your phone up to show your face.

“what was that sound earlier?” lucas asked, currently sounding hyper. “the mysterious mark sent me another sticky note.” you reply sarcastically, waving the sticky note to the camera to let everyone look at it. everyone nodded their heads at the some time, some letting out a long ‘ah’ as well. “read it out loud!” yuta shouted.

“the fuck no!” you shouted back. you stared at the sticky note, but didn’t bother to read it. you thought of doing that once you’re done video calling them.

“how was today for you guys?” you asked, wanting to know how they’re doing.

“its tiring! we had dance practice, then we have to do recordings for our new albums. we barely get any sleep.” ten whines, his tone filled with stress. you laugh loudly. it made everyone frown and pout. you sigh. “pursuing your NCT world domination is never easy.” you commented, highlighting the word ‘world domination’ with a change of tone.

everyone lets out a long sigh and started to complain one by one, making the whole video call chaotic for almost 10 minutes. you could only smile and shake your head.

after about an hour or so of talking about basically everything and catching up with each other, everyone decided that they should end the call here since it was beginning to get dark and they needed to start practice soon. you bid your goodbye to them once more and ended the call.

you now adverted your attention to the sticky note. reading the letter, you raise both eyebrows. “dream high? that’s not far from here..” you mumbled to yourself. you started to think about everything you know about dream high. you know it’s was about an hour’s journey from where you live. it wasnt really well known either. the overall vibe of the school was mediocre.

however, you felt like you were missing something. something about that school is somehow related to you. you just couldn’t think of an answer despite squeezing all thoughts that you have in your brain. you groan and stood up from your bed and to your desk, proceeding to wanting to write a reply to mark.

hey. sorry if you get this quite late. i was busy video calling my friends. to answer your question, im a third year as well from jookin high. i would ask for your number so we dont have to do this all the time but my friend would scold me saying “but you’re removing the fun out of it.” but anyways, mark aka my soulmate, tell me about yourself, to start off.

you stick the note onto the wall, looking at the row of messages you’ve had recieved so far. you found it weird how the first time you’ve sent the note and got a reply back, it was on the same sticky note, just different handwriting. but you had to write on a new sticky note to send a new message only to get the same sticky note with a different message in return.

you only see his answers lined up on your wall. you started to wonder how this mark guy looked like. is he good looking? what are his hobbies? his attitude towards school? you really wished you could just text him through instagram and not have to go through all this trouble. but that option would earn you a large smack on the back by soyoung and your really didn’t want that.

“do we really need to be here now? like now?!”soyoung whined, while pushing the cart and following behind you while you tossed some packets of frozen bacon. you stopped walking and turn around, nodding your head intensely. soyoung groans and took out her phone, proceeding to use it while still pushing the cart.

you walk around the supermarket, trying to find the ingredients listed on your notes in your phone. it was the weekends and you’re parents were going to be away for a business trip for a week so you thought of inviting soyoung over and making home cooked meals as a bonding session for you two.

after about 30 minutes of gathering the ingredients and having soyoung constantly screaming and fangirling over tiktok edits of jaehyun from NCT. one note: she has yet to know that you know them and that they’re your friends. you figured that it would be best to not let anyone know so as to avoid any situation that would put your friends in a tight spot, since well they’re idols, you were looking for one last item that you had trouble finding.

“soyoung help me! stop watching tiktoks!” you groan, snatching soyoung’s phone away and shoving it in her back pocket. soyoung rolls her eyes lazily and the two of you proceeded to scan the different isles and shelves, looking over every item.

while you were too concentrated looking at the bottom shelves, you felt that you have bumped into someone. you squat down, letting out a soft ‘ouch’ before standing up and looking to see who you bumped into.

“wait. jaemin?” you furrow your eyebrows as you tilt your head, pointing your finger at the guy in front of you. “raven!” you noticed that it was jaemin after all, and both your faces lit up and the same time, grinning widely at each other.

“uhhh..” soyoung says out loud, you and jaemin turn your heads to face soyoung who was behind you. “oh! this is jaemin. we used to be neighbourhood friends before he moved out 4 years ago.” you introduced jaemin to soyoung. jaemin nodded and gave her a bright smile. soyoung only shrugged her shoulders and took out her phone. you turn your attention back to jaemin.

“why are you even here? dont you live quite far?” you ask, your fingers interlocked behind your back. jaemin nods, running a hand through his hair.

“well yes. but we came here to find something that only this supermarket sells.” jaemin replied back, his warm smile never leaving his lips. you smile, reached your hand out to ruffle his hair, laughing softly afterwards. “we? who’re you with?” you stared at jaemin with eyes of suspicion. jaemin started pinching your cheeks, making you whine and begging him to let go.

“with my friend, ray chill. im still single.” jaemin pulled away and folded his arms, pouting. “im sure you’ll find one soon.” you reached out to ruffle his hair and give off a wide smile.

while you and jaemin were catching up and being in your own world, soyoung got too bored of watching the two of you and decided to walk around the supermarket, leaving the cart behind you.

just as she was looking at the drinks isle to get her favourite sweet drink, she sees someone picking up a bunch of bottles one by one and placing them back on the shelve. out of kindness, she decided to help, picking up a bottle and placing it on fhe shelve before looking up to face the guy, who had a straight face while looking at her.

“i was just trying to help. im soyoung.” soyoung smiled, reaching her hand out and waiting for thr guy to greet back. he looked at her but doesn’t respond, proceeding to pick up the last bottle that was seen on the floor. “im jeno.” jeno stands up and nods his head to greet soyoung. soyoung nods back, walking down the isle to grab her drink from the shelve. “have a nice day.” soyoung says before leaving the isle and disappearing out of jeno’s sight. he only shrugged in response and went to do his own thing.

“you met who?!” haechan asks as he takes a sip of his ice cold water. everyone had their heads turned to jaemin, who raised an eyebrow at everyone’s weird expression. “i met my old friend raven. what’s so shocking?” jaemin asks back casually, picking up a few pieces of fries and dipping it into the sauce before shoving it in his mouth.

“dude that’s the name of mark’s soulmate!” haechan screams, making everyone flinch due to the loud noise. “i highly doubt it. there’s plenty of girls in the world with the name raven.” jaemin protests with his mouth full and chugging down gulps of coca cola.

“i mean that’s true. jeno you were with jaemin, right? dont you suspect anything?” renjun starts to question jeno, who was silently playing with his phone. looking up at the others, he gulps.

“i didn’t know he met his friend. i was picking out drinks. i just met a girl named soyoung.” jeno shrugs, taking a bite of his burger. mark scratches the back of his head, now starting to think of the fact that jaemin might have met his soulmate. though he also thought about how that could not be totally possible.

“nah i dont think its her. like really ‘raven’ could be anyone.” mark says, siding with jaemin. haechan tilts his head in awe. “jaemin do you know what school she’s going to?” jaemin only shakes his head.

“i lost all contact with her when i left her neighbourhood. plus we were young. i barely knew her honestly.” the living room falls silent, everyone trying to think of a conclusion to this.

chenle groans, standing up from his seat and slamming his hands on the table, gathering everyone’s attention as their heads shot up. “instead of pondering as if yall are solving some crime, why dont mark just ask her through the sticky note god dammit?” chenle pinches the bridge of his nose.

everyone’s mouths gape open as the room was suddenly filled with ‘ah’s all over. chenle shakes his head. everyone was now looking intensively at mark. mark furrows his eyebrows. “okay guys hold up ill grab the stick note.” mark stands up and takes one bite of his burger before going into his room for awhile and coming out with a sticky note and a pen.

jaemin noticed jeno being silent the whole way. and althought thats normal since its jeno’s nature and personality to not be so outspoken like the others, jaemin could sense that jeno was off and seem to be in deep thoughts.

and jaemin was right. jeno couldnt stop thinking about jaemin’s encounter with ‘raven’. the name sounded so familiar. he tried to recall every girl he has came into contact with during his life. why did he feel like the name was tied to the handwriting he saw on the sticky notes?

“jeno.” jaemin nudged him in the shoulder. jeno mumbled a soft ‘oh’ before turning his attention to mark just like the others. “she didn’t send me a reply after my last one though.” mark says, looking up.

“its fine. she probably didn’t see it. just write already.” chenle says in anticipation. mark shakes his head. “calm the heck down its not like we can get an answer immediately.” mark rolls his eyes and began to write.

hey raven. um i know this may sound weird. but have you gone to a supermarket and met a guy names jaemin? im not a stalker i swear. its just that he’s my friend and apparently you know him. though i dont think that such a coincidence and come by just like that. hope you hear from you soon.

jeno stared at the sticky note that mark proceeded to place at a random wall of the living room while everyone continued to eat and chat. his thoughts finally linked and a imaginary lightbulb appeared on above his head when he finally realises why he was so drawn to mark’s soulmate.

you were focused on wanting to solve a math question when the sticky note above your desk’s wall had fallen in front of you, revealing a new message. you place your pen down and let out a sigh, remembering that you hsve forgotten to write a reply and that mark probably sent you another one.

you tied your hair in a messy low bun before picking up the sticky note to get a closer view. you blink your eyes rapidly as your eyes furrow in awe. what the note said really shocked you and made you freeze in your spot. jaemin is friends with your soulmate? there’s no way.

you sat there for awhile as you constantly read over the words, still in shock with your moutb hanging open. you just couldn’t believe it. was it really what it seemed to be? another thought came to your mind as well. the thought of just who is this friend of jaemin’s? could it be mark? was your soulmate literally in the same place as you yet you never knew?

you grab a fresh new piece of sticky note and proceeded to write a reply after staring at it for so long and thought that it was finally time that you do something.

okay what you wrote really was weird. jaemin’s my old neighbourhood friend. its such a coincidence how you know him. i guess the connections are there. so haha yeah. damn. im very mind blown right now.

you take a look at your handwriting again, smiling to yourself. “i really do love my handwriting.” you mumble under your breath. you stuck the sticky note on the wall and resumed doing your homework, hoping that mark would reply soon.

while the boys were immersed in the horror movie they were watching on friday night, everyone turned their heads to each other when they heard the noise of a piece of paper falling onto the floor. in unison, everyone turned their head to where the noise came from and seeing the sticky note that fell.

jisung grabs the controller and pauses the movie. “we’re watching a scary movie and creepy stuff like that happens?!” jisung asks, stuttering out of complete fear.

mark decided to be the brave one after seeing everyone’s terrified face and stands up to pick up the sticky note, going back to take his seat on the couch soon after. “d-does that always happen?” mark shrugs. “well duh. that’s how i know she sent a reply. it wouldn’t be this scary if we weren’t watching a horror movie.”

everyone’s heads once again gather around mark as he read the note out loud. everyone gapes their mouth open, some covered their mouths while jeno could only stare at it in disbelief. “i guess we’ve confirmed its her.” mark breathes out, placing the sticky note on the table.

jeno reaches out to grab the sticky note to have a look. the unique handwriting that he suspected would belong to you really was yours. out of anger, he tears the sticky notes into two. everyone had their eyes widened at jeno’s sudden shocking action. mark snatches the now torn note back, looking down at them before facing jeno.

“what the heck was that for?!”

“dont talk to her anymore. she’s trouble.”

everyone lets out a sigh in unison except for mark, looking at everyone’s weird reaction. “what do you mean trouble? and why does it look like you all know something except me?” mark furrows his eyes as everyone exchanged glances continuously for a moment.

“she’s just not someone you should be with. that’s all.” jeno stands up and walks to his room, slamming the door shut and produring a piercing noise. the room was silent for awhile until mark speaks up.

“what am i missing here you guys?”

no one replies.

“we’ve been friends for a year and you guys are all keeping secrets for me?” mark scoffs in disbelief, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“we arent in the position to tell you. its jeno.” jaemin murmurs under his breath, looking down on the ground just like the others.

marks keeps silent and stands up from the couch, the palm the torn note was in is balled into a fist as he goes into his room as well.

haechan sighs. “jeno has to tell the truth. he’s been holding onto that grudge almost forever now.”

everyone nods their heads in agreement. “if not, he’s going to live in despair now that he knows she’s his best friend’s soulmate..” jisung adds on. 

everyone could only silently hope that things could go well. 

after that day you’ve sent a reply, you havent heard from mark since. you dont know why. due to your lack of information on him, it felt as if he disappeared into thin air. although only a week has past by, you felt concerned and somewhat worried for him. did something happen to him? what made him cut off his connection with you? its not like you did anything wrong. 

out of pure desperation, you decided to skip school today. youve never skipped school before, and you felt so rebellious and bad. why did you do this? so you could go to dream high and meet mark in person. youve had enough of the sticky notes. you just wanted to see how he was like in real life, not having to think about it through notes. 

with a little help from jaemin by texting him on instagram, you knew that mark’s class should be ending by 4pm, and you were there at 3:50 in the canteen where jaemin told you to wait. funny how the security guard lets a student from another school come in with a pass or anything.

you slowly start seeing groups of students going down the flight of stairs that lead to the canteen which had a path leading to the front gates. some eyes glanced at you as they notice someone who doesnt belong at their school, you couldnt care less though. your thoughts were only filled with mark. how he looked like, how he would carry himself. your anticipation was the only thing you felt.

you wore your headphones yet you could suddenly hear a lot of squealing and shouting. you look up, turning you attention to the stairs. a large group of girls crowding around another group of people, who you assumed to be guys. you scoffed, thinking about how there’s always that one group of good looking guys all girls seem to go crazy for. you watch as the group of guys push through the large crowd.

once you got a closer look, you tilt your head to the side. you slowly bring your headphone down from your ears and let them rest on your neck, getting intrigued by how the girls were getting so crazy, even more crazy than the ones from your school.

“its mark! he’s so cute!” 

you widen your eyes as you heard the word ‘mark’. you stood up from your seat, peering your head up to find which one is the girl referring to. you only see two guys walking. one smiling sheepishly while the other kept a straight and cold face. just which one is mark?

suddenly, you felt an arm grabbing yours and pulling you back. you jump out of fear and turn around noticing it was jaemin. you calmed your breathing as you look at jaemin. 

“meet mark under the block nearby. its too hectic here for you to talk to him.”

jaemin dragged you out of the school grounds and to a secluded block where only a few students where walking past and left you there. you were lost in confusion but decided to trust whatever jaemin was doing, sitting down at a random bench.

“jaemin told us to meet him here where is-” 

“raven.”

“what?”

you immediately stood in front of the two guys you saw at the canteen as you notice a familiar face. you werent able to get a clear look at them before, but now you realise that you knew one of them. “jeno..” you look at a different direction a you tried avoiding his gaze, though you knew you couldnt, forcing yourself to meet his eyes.

mark looks at the both of you, utterly confused as his attention shifts from you to jeno constantly. “this raven?” mark points at you, tilting his head. you nod slowly as your turn your head to face mark. you observed his body up and down. he was good looking, just like jeno.. yet his aura told you that he was way more outgoing and open than jeno. 

“you look...”

everyone was silent.

you gulp in nervousness. “im busy. bye mark.” before jeno could go, mark pulled on his arm to bring him back to stand beside him, earning a glare from jeno. the one you could never forget. “stay. i know something happened. you were always quiet whenever we talked about this girl. and i also know you all kept something from me.”

you slowly turned to jeno. you could he was annoyed whenever he looked at you. you felt it through his eyes, and it was terrifying. jeno took a deep breath in, folding his arms and placing his weight on one leg. 

“if you remember clearly, chenle told you that before we became friends with you, we had a fight and didnt talk to each other for a long time. we didnt tell you this, but it was her who caused it. she brought chaos into our group. everyone forgotten about it clearly, but i cant. after what she did.. i cant forgive her.”

you opened your mouth, wanting to reply but your words were somehow stuck in your throat. you didnt exactly know what to say or do in this awkward situation.

“it.. it was a long time ago jeno, please. my feelings for you were real, even if we werent meant to be. i dont know how many times you need me to say sorry.” you pleaded, biting your lip as you waited for jeno’s reaction.

jeno sighs and runs a hand through his hair as he lets out a huff of rustration. “then why did you leave? you left me stranded, and because of you, i almost left my friends becaused i lived in agony since i missed you so much. i almost pushed everyone away.” you shivered as jeno’s voice started to raise. 

 you also glanced at mark, who still kept his confused expression on his face. through his gaze never left you as you felt his eyes scanning you body up and down. 

“you two used date?” mark asks. you nod in reply.

“we were kids. we didnt know about all this soulmate stuff. but now..” 

“you know what? be together. im not going to leave my friends just because of my pent up grudge and feelings. i cant control fate either.” 

years had now past since you met mark. it really was fate. the two of you became close in no time and now.. you were fianally married. you couldnt be more happy to be with mark. who you were destined to be really was made for you, and you only. and to think this all escalated due to a note you sent out in pure curiosity.

you still remember what happened with jeno after that day, despite the lack of interaction between you two, jeno was open enough to accept you as his friend again. you are now living a happy life with mark, and always being able to hang out with his group of friends. today was no different. 

“haechan get the chilli sauce!” you hear mark shout as you smile widely, feeling his arm snaking around your waist to pull you close. having a barbeque was a great idea to celebrate jisung’s birthday. 

you soon see haechan with the bottle of chilli sause, placing it on the table where everyone gathered around the table which had jisung’s birthday cake. “before we do anything with the cake, let me announce my wish.” jisung announces proudly. you raise an eyebrow. “you cant say you birthday wish out loud!” you scolded jisung, but everyone laughs.

“his wish is something we all know.” jeno says, winking playfully at you. you tilt your head in confusion when you suddenly feel mark’s arm leaving you waist. you look over to mark who was shoving his hand into his pocket as if to find something.

you were completely clueless when mark nods towards jisung, to show some kind of signal. “i wish for mark and raven to get married!” jisung shouts. 

you gaped your mouth open in shock when mark pulls out a small box, opening it in front of you to show a ring. you cover your mouth in disbelief. “did you guys really-”

“please marry me, raven. my sticky note soulmate.” you hear everyone clapping s a tear of happiness drips from your cheek. you quickly wipe it away as you heard the nickname that mark gave you. “we wouldnt normally do this but it was jeno that suggested this.”

you look over to jeno who had a soft smile on his face as he nod his head. looking back at mark, you grin widely as more tears started flowing out. “of course ill marry you, you dork.”

#nct #nct 2020 #nct u #nct 127 #nct x reader #nct fluff #nct angst #nct imagines #nct imagine #nct scenarios #mark lee #nct mark lee #mark #nct mark x reader #nct mark imagines #nct mark scenarios #nct mark #mark lee x reader #mark lee x y/n #mark lee x you #mark lee imagines #mark lee scenarios #mark lee ff #nct mark lee ff #mark lee fluff #mark lee angst

[brelione]

In The End (The Best Boys)

Warnings:For the love of god everyones doing too much, yelling, not proof read

Series Masterlist

You took in a deep, shaky breath.Rafe bit his lip, leaning down to kiss you gently. “Lets go downstairs, okay?”He asked, large hand going to hold yours.You nodded, slowly sitting up with a slight pain in your abdomen.

He went into your closet to get you something loose and soft, helping you get dressed. “Im sure hes fine, alright?Dont worry.”He grinned, kissing the top of your head.The two of you sat anxiously on the couch, listening for Kelce’s car.

You jumped when you heard the car door slam, your door opening a few moments later.His breathing was fast and shallow, eyes wide and sweat dripping from his hairline and tears falling from his eyes.He didnt say anything, hands shaking as he stared back at you.Rafe’s hand was sitting on your thigh, almost trying to hold you back from going to Kelce.

You werent sure if the action was out of jealousy or if he was just worried about you trying to approach Kelce while he was in this state of mind.It didnt matter though.Once the slight shock had worn off you quickly made your way to Kelce, wrapping your arms tight around him.

He was shaking under your touch, a few of his tears falling into your hair as he leaned against you with his arms around your shoulders. “You’re okay, you’re okay.”You repeated, rubbing his back.He shook his head, squeezing you so hard that it hurt.

You looked over to Rafe, trying to figure out what had happened. “Im sorry.”Kelce sobbed, whistling sounds coming from his nose as he tried to take deep breaths.Your hand moved to run through his hair and rub the back of his neck, feeling him start to relax a bit

. “Kelce….what happened?”You asked, your thumb tracing over his cheekbone lightly.He didnt move away from you, squeezing you tighter.He could tell by the way you and Rafe kept looking at eachother that he was freaking you guys out and it didnt exactly help with how stressed he was.

 “I dont know what to do.”He cried, his nose starting to run.You didnt know what to do either, holding him and whispering into his ear.He closed his eyes, taking in deep breaths, listening to you.It couldve been minutes or hours, you werent exactly sure but it didnt really matter.

Rafe was just confused, not understand how to help or what could have happened to make Kelce act like this.You eventually got him to stand up, holding your hand as you practically dragged him.He sat on your counter, hands shaking as you got him some water and squeezed lemon juice into it.

His eyes were puffy and red, eyebrows messed up and his nose was irritated.He was a mess.You werent sure if he’d be able to hold the cup on his own, putting it next to him for when he’d be able to. “You okay, little man?”You asked, offering him a towel to wipe his nose with.

He didnt answer but took the towel anyways, holding it to his nose.Rafe came into the kitchen, looking at Kelce with a puzzled expression.Kelce let his eyes fall to Rafe’s neck, letting out a low sigh.Topper was right. 

“I dont know what happened...I just got mad and I dont know.I think I blacked out...I dont know.”He muttered.Rafe nodded, understanding. “I was on the phone with Topper.And he-he said that uh….that he told you something.”He glanced over to Rafe, taking in a deep breath.

Your heart dropped into your stomach, looking over to Rafe too. “And he told me...that you and Rafe are dating.I dont know...it’s stupid.”Kelce muttered, looking down into his cup.You bit the inside of your cheek, not sure how what to say or if you should deny it or not.

 “Okay...um….okay.”You nodded, thinking about it.You hadnt considered Rafe your boyfriend, things hadnt really gotten that far yet when it came to feelings.Or maybe they had. “It doesnt matter...theres just so much happening and I got stressed and everything just happened so fast and I didnt know what to do.”He explained, squeezing the towel in his hand.

There was no way of getting out of this.Why did life have to be this way? “So um….whats the main problem here?”You asked, remembering how he’d ask you that when you had an anxiety attack.He squeezed the towel harder, wanting to scream. 

“Everything is the main problem!I cant-I cant just pretend anymore!Ive been pretending for years and I just cant-do you know how fucked all of this is?”He asked, the towel falling to the floor.On instinct Rafe had pulled you closer to him, not sure what was going to happen but was more than shocked when you moved away from him. 

“What do you mean you’ve been pretending?”You asked, not understanding what he was talking about.He laughed, his eyes watering again. “Havent you noticed?Four years, (Y/N)!Four fucking years i’ve been in love with you and you havent noticed and im trying my best to keep it from you cause its not your problem to deal with but its hard, okay?I’ve been trying to control myself and control everyone else and I know its fucked, alright?And then Rafe just takes you away and he knows too!And he’s known about Topper-thats so goddamn fucked!”Kelce exclaimed, standing up now.

He didnt even know what he was saying, ranting about all of his thoughts. “How are you so oblivious?How have you not seen the signs?dont you see how mad Topper gets when you’re all over Rafe?If you love Rafe thats fine but could you at least let us know so that we dont have that little bit of hope?Cant you just do that for me?”He asked, his breathing shallow.Rafe looked over at you too, waiting for you to reply.He knew he loved you.He had known for a long time that it was something more than a little crush.

Topper walked up your driveway, nearly losing his balance a few times on the way to your door that was open for some reason.He was glad that it was darker out so he didnt have to worry about wearing the ugly sunglasses his doctor told him to wear.

 “Guys?”He called out, hearing shouts from the kitchen.Rafe peaked out from the kitchen, frowning when he saw Topper. “What the hell is going on?”The blonde asked, coming into the kitchen.You looked over at him before looking back over to Kelce. “Topper-I think you were right.”Kelce replied quietly, looking at you.

 “Can you guys shut the hell up?”Rafe asked, becoming increasingly annoyed with the situation. “Kelce, man, I get what you’re trying to say but none of this is helpful, okay?”Rafe asked, surprising himself.This was usually Kelce’s job. 

“No, Rafe, it’s not okay.I cant just pretend that I dont feel the things I do anymore.I get that you dont have to hide it anymore and thats fucking fantastic for you but I dont want to hide it either, ight?”Kelce took in a deep breath, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

You felt Topper staring at you, regretting coming over here.He figured that he hadnt left things on the best note, wanting to come over and talk to you a little more since he was sure that he had freaked you out.

Somehow the four of you ended up on the floor, glancing at eachother as you all calmed down. “Rafe and I....we arent dating.”You spoke up, hoping that it wouldnt start another argument.

Rafe licked his lips, taking in a deep breath through his nose.He knew that it wasnt official but he hoped that you didnt see him as just a friend with benefits. 

“You dont have to date someone to love them, (Y/N).”Topper reminded you, his eyes trapped on his casted arm that rested in its black sling.You huffed, resting the back of your head on the cabinets.

 “I know, Top.I know....”You mumbled, tapping your fingertips on your kneecap. “Listen, im sorry for being a bitch.Its just...I dont know.I think I need to figure myself out.Between you guys and my parents I just bottle everything up.I shouldnt have blown up like that.”Kelce admitted, relieved when you reached over and squeezed his hand. 

“I get it, bubs.You know you can always talk to us, right?”You asked, wanting to hug him tightly and never let go but you figured it woul probably be awkward for him under these circumstances. 

“Yeah.”He replied, scratching at his eyebrow. “(Y/N)...you know we cant just forget that this conversation happened.We have to talk about this.”Topper spoke sternly, knowing that you would try to change the topic.Rafe nodded in agreement, wanting to know where he stood with you. 

“I know, I know.But....I dont think I know how I feel if im being honest.But if-when I do ill let you guys know, okay?”You asked, your heart pounding in your chest.You were such a liar.You werent supposed to lie to your bestfriends.

They all mumbled, shrugging.It wasnt exactly understandable but you assumed that it was a yes anyways, slowly standing up.Your legs were still partly tingling because of Rafe but you were just glad you could walk.

 “im going upstairs.You guys should just stay here for the night.”You told them, heading up to your bedroom quickly.You laid down on your bed, wishing that you had never slept with Rafe.Maybe that wouldnt make things so difficult for you right now.You couldnt imagine how upset you had made Rafe just a few moments ago.

“It doesnt matter if she ends up dating me, you know she cares about you guys more than anything else.”Rafe told them, biting the inside of his cheek.Topper chuckled, shaking his head. 

“You always get everything you want, Rafe.You get all her attention and even when I was in the hospital all she cared about was you.”He replied, glaring at his friend.Kelce groaned, resting his head against his palm. 

“We had to drag her out of the hospital, Topper.Literally.”He laid down on the tile floor, staring at the ceiling. “Come on, Kelce.She goes to you about everything.You know a whole side of her that we’ve never seen.That’s special.”Topper answered, wondering what kind of secrets Kelce knew that he didnt.Kelce’s eyes widened, sitting up again. 

“Wait-she doesnt tell you guys about our cooking talks?”Kelce asked.They shook their heads, chuckling. “Nope, might as well tell us about it.”Rafe grinned, excited to hear stories.Kelce smiled, feeling his face heat up.That meant it was his special thing that he had with you and noone else.

 “hmm...no.I’ll just keep it to myself.”Kelce answered, hearing them groan. “Wow, I see how it is.”Topper smiled.They sat on the floor talking for hours, eventually getting up and making a huge pot of ramen.

 “So what did you miss most while you were in the hospital?”Kelce asked, stirring the noodles. “Movie nights, one thousand percent.”He grabbed a bowl from the cabinet.

He thought about it constantly at night when you were asleep next to him on the hospital bed.He wondered what movies you’d all be watching together if he hadnt left the house that night.Rafe smiled, grabbing a fork.

 “We can have one of those now.I’ll go get (Y/N).”He turned to leave but was stopped by Kelce. “I’ll go.”He said quickly, not waiting for an answer before jogging upstairs.You had fallen asleep face down on your bed, snoring into the pillow.He stood in the doorway for a moment, listening to your breathing.

He sat at the foot of the bed, tapping your leg lightly. “Nooo....”You mumbled, moving your arms under the pillow to get more comfortable. “(Y/N), do you want some ramen?”Kelce asked, trying not to laugh. 

“hmmm....”You hummed into the pillow. “(Y/N).”He whispered again. “Whatttt?”You asked, voice muffled by the pillowcase. “Ramen.”He repeated, feeling you shift around. 

“What kind?”You asked, still half asleep. “Chicken with butter and garlic and fried egg.”He answered.You placed your head back on the pillow, thinking about it but slowly drifting into sleep again. 

“(Y/N).”He laughed, laying down to face you. “Yeah?”You asked, eyes squinting. “Ramen.”He repeated once more.You hummed, wrapping your arms around him. “No.”You answered. 

“You dont want ramen?”He asked, pressing a light kiss to your forehead. “Yeah.”You answered, mouth slightly open as your face pressed against his shirt. “You want ramen?”He asked, scratching at your side.

 “Yeah.”You answered, your voice high pitched from sleep. “You gotta get up.”He told you, smiling to himself when your grip tightened. “No.”You answered, your leg falling across his stomach.

 “then you dont get ramen.”he answered. “Rude.”You grumbled, refusing to move off of him.He laughed, glad that you werent acting any different after everything that had happened.

He held on tight to you, rolling off the bed. “Put me down.”You yawned, wrapping your arms around him. “No.”He answered, walking down the stairs with you.The scent of ramen and garlic filled your nostrils, hearing a bowl being set down on the marble countertop.

Kelce put you down on one of the chairs, pushing a bowl of ramen in front of you.They were just poking at their noodies, swirling them onto their forks before letting it fall back into the bowl. 

“My mom called.”Topper blew on some noodles before shoving them in his mouth. “Shes mad about the car.She’s still in California.”He replied, getting another bite full. 

“At least you dont have to deal with her.”Rafe shrugged, looking for the brightside of things.Topper just hummed, staring into his bowl.None of you spoke after that, eating some ramen but not bothering to put the dishes in the sink. 

“Topper wanted to have a movie night.”Rafe mumbled, glancing over to Topper.You simply nodded, getting up and going into the living room.You curled yourself up into the corner of the couch, a pillow to your chest.

Kelce was on the other end of the couch, Topper on the floor next to him while Rafe sat not too far in front of you, reaching for the remote.Everything just felt so dead.

You wanted to reach out and play with Rafe’s hair or lean against Kelce but you knew not to for the sake of the others.You tried watching the movie, the volume low so that it wouldnt hurt Topper’s head.

It was some sort of dog movie from the early 2000s.Kelce was the first to fall asleep, snoring against the arm rest.Rafe was confused, not understanding what was going on.He was the second to fall asleep, face in the carpet not even half way through the movie. 

“Top, you awake?”You whispered, the movie in a dark scene right now. “Yeah, why?”He asked, looking over in your direction. “I dunno.You wanna talk?”You asked, keeping your voice quiet so you wouldnt bother Rafe or Kelce.Topper hummed, standing up slowly. 

“You wanna go outside?”He asked, already heading for the slider door.You followed him outside, hearing crickets and the sound of you pool.The two of you sat on the pavement by the water, staring at the lit up pool. 

“What do you want to talk about?”He asked, sticking his feet into the water.You just shrugged, not really knowing. “Do you wanna talk about earlier?”You asked, hoping that it wasnt too forward. 

“What about it?”He asked.You sighed, regretting bringing it up again. “I dont know, I just think we left off at a bad note.”You replied, sticking your hand in the water out of curiosity. “Yeah, yeah we did.But its either you love me or you dont, either is fine.”He replied, ignoring the pit in his stomach.

You remained silent, thinking. “Do you think its possible to love more than one person at a time?”You asked.His eyebrows raised at your words, blowing out a puff of air. 

“Well, its possible to hate more than one person at a time.Love and Hate are the same thing in the end.”He answered, kicking his feet back and forth under the surface of the water.

 “What does that mean?”You asked, not used to him saying things like that. “Well think about it.Love is just an extreme like and hate is just an extreme dislike.So if it was in a circle that means that hate and love touch.”He answered, dragging his fingernail against the pavement to make a small circle.

You nodded, flicking his finger. “So you think I can love more than one person at once?”You asked, wanting him to clarify.He nodded slowly. “I mean, you love Bucky and Henry Bowers and Jack Frost.Real people arent that different.We might be less attractive but not that different.”He answered, reaching for your hand. 

“Its okay if you havent figured things out yet, just let me know when you do.”He flashed you a grin that you could tell wasnt genuine. “But you know I love you no matter what, right?Like....even if I dont love you like that I still love you.”You told him, squeezing his hand lightly.

He nodded. “I know, bitch.”He laughed. “The only bitch here is you, bottom.”You replied, hoping he wouldnt push you into the water. “Last time I checked I wasnt a female dog.”He smiled, chuckling when you rolled your eyes. “What are you?12?”You asked.He nodded. “On the inside.”He replied.

Two chapters left-FUCK IM NOT READY

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