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soukokuwu · 4 years

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Hi there, I really love your writing. Can you write a scenario where Dazai's black fem s/o who works at the ada and is encountered with a racist client who makes it pretty obvious that she doesn't want the s/o there because of her skin colour and s/o is feeling pretty down at it. Something similar recently happened to me so I kinda just wanna read some damn scenario about it, thanks.

HOME IS NOT A PLACE. genre; pairing. fluff; dazai x reader word count. 1,675 synopsis. dazai comforts you after an unnecessary hardship. warning. brief discrimination author notes. i’m so sorry to hear that happened to you (& i know i took very long with this, i apologise.) i’ve had similar discrimination inflicted upon me too so i hope you don’t have to experience it again & that you’re feeling better by now. <3

The nerves of some people.

A pair of chocolate beads observe silently, intensively, as the callous words spill out of thin, dry lips.

“I don’t want someone like her to serve me.”

Sip.

The old woman eyes you top to bottom.

“I demand someone else, someone... normal, at least.”

He catches the disdain in her voice. He’s sharp as a tack. Beside him the weretiger watches, cowering as he feels the ominous energy emanating from his superior. He’s seen Dazai angry, furious, but never like this. Never... silent. In this moment, the brunette is absolutely livid.

Dazai’s hands are placed on the table, balled tightly into fists. His eyes are trained on the client you’re trying to appease — she’s too wrapped up in her own head to notice him glaring. As he expects. People like that are often ignorant.

Normally he’d hate to get caught up in things like this, prefers to leave it to Kunikida, but the blonde isn’t around and it’s you she’s speaking to. He’s not going to keep mum when it comes to you. How dare someone insult his girlfriend for something that shouldn’t even matter?

Dazai loves you, he knows you’re way too nice to stand up for yourself, and Naomi is already killing herself trying to appease this witch. He notices the way your nervous fingers are fumbling with each other, the way you press your lips together to stop them from trembling, even the way your feet are tucked under the table brushing against each other. You’re scared, and your head is hung so low... you’re ashamed?

The line has been drawn a while ago. But now he absolutely can’t stay still. Not when it’s leaving you feeling so horrified.

He stands up, forcefully kicking the chair back against the wall with his knees as he does, and everyone in the room goes quiet.

All eyes are on him. His bangs are messy, covering his eyes, and lucky they are, because whatever expression lay under there it isn’t for everyone to see. Even the usually chirpy Kenji is stunned into silence, a wave of fear flashing across his features.

“Oh? Has the whiny granny finally shut up?” Dazai hums.

He’s fully aware that everyone in the room feels even more uncomfortable than before. As they should be; he doesn’t use this tone much, if at all, around them. It’s a tone most associated with who he used to be, a tone that incites a flashback to his port mafia days.

But in the midst of everything, you snap out of your seat and scurry off, your head in your hands. And Dazai watches as you run out of the office. Should he deal with the lady first? Or should he get to you? He doesn’t much know the ‘right’ ways of a relationship, but a nudge comes in from Naomi.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this,” Naomi assures him, a newly invigorated motivation after seeing his strong reaction.

Dazai mumbles a “thanks” before he excuses himself to find you — shooting one last warning glare at the old lady — and he knows just where you are.

Something cold is pressed against your cheek and you jolt. Dazai pulls it away with a chuckle and waves the cold can of juice in your face.

His features are much softer now than it was before, and you ease up a little when you realise he must be so worrried to have come up here to find you. When you take the can from him, he settles down quietly beside you and looks out at the view, and you two sit there wordlessly.

You are on the rooftop of the building right beside the ADA office. This is your hideout, a safe, convenient space for when you really need an escape from anything. And today is one of those days. Rare as they may be, you expect some people to react that way. Because sometimes humanity is flawed in the worst ways possible.

In an ideal world you wouldn’t be feeling this way. In an ideal world, everyone here would be able to accept you for who you are — not what you look like, not where you’re from. In an ideal world, you’d be free from the judgemental, free of the discrimination.

But this isn’t an ideal world. This is earth. This is life. What can you do but accept it? What else can you do other than tolerate what’s thrown at you? You think back to the harsh words spewed by the woman before — the one targeted at you because of your skin tone.

A rush of memories flood your mind.

Unwelcome looks from classmates. Sneers wherever you went in school. The way your name was associated with the sentences “why is she here?” and “she looks weird”. It was like sentencing you to be a social outcast over something you couldn’t control. You’d been forced to spend most of your schooling days alone, project groups being the bane of your existence. Where you thought it’d be an opportunity to make friends, it just gave the other kids additional chances at mocking you. The worst part was you couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. You had your doubts talking to school counsellors, they could easily be one of them. You didn’t even dream of telling your mother either, being a single mom was hard enough, you didn’t want to pile on more problems.

But it lightened up as you got older and people got more mature. Didn’t mean it stopped completely, though. You still had to welcome several unwanted glares and finger-pointing. But at least the name-calling stopped. And what you didn’t hear wouldn’t hurt you. It got better when you finally stepped out into the adult world. People were generally more accepting now, and you didn’t once feel left out in the ADA. They were all kind, for the most part, and never once did they discriminate against you. All they cared about was your work ethic, and they all generally accepted you for who you are. They didn’t give a damn what you looked like.

They accepted you for you, and that was the greatest gift they could have bestowed upon you. To the others it may have been nothing, but to you it meant everything.

There had never been a day where you were forced to confront your old fears. Until today. When that lady ever so subtly insulted you. It was like every doubt that ever crossed your mind since you were a kid came flooding back to you, the questions of whether you really belonged here, whether you should just give up and move away. But where? This is your home, for as long as you can remember.

“I love your eyes.”

Dazai’s sudden declaration stuns you, and you tilt your head towards him with a curious gaze. He isn’t teasing you, you knew that much. If he was, he would wear that wide, silly grin of his. No, this time his smile is… endearing, comforting.

“I love the way your smile reaches your eyes.”

A pair of hands reach out to cup your cheeks, and you can feel yourself getting nervous. He usually never speaks his feelings. Why is he doing this now?

“Look at me, belladonna,” he coaxes, and you listen. You’re met with earnest chocolate eyes, and you keep looking into them, even as they inch closer and closer towards you. He stops the moment the tip of his nose touches yours, and you feel your breath hitch at your throat.

“You are a beautiful person, my love,” he assures you, voice low and steady. His eyes are still staring straight into yours, and you can just make out his beautiful hair flowing in the breeze. “I’ve thought that ever since the first time I laid eyes on you.”

You chuckle, remembering the first day you stepped foot in the ADA office. Dazai had stumbled over all googly-eyed and took your hand, already confessing his future love with you. And he was right, because look at you now. And all the sounds muffle together as you continue gazing at your boyfriend as he lists down all the things he loves about you. From things as small as how your hands feel in his to the way he absolutely loves how he can be completely himself (or as much as he can be) around you.

“Shut up.”

Without even thinking, you find yourself tilting heavenward, pressing your lips onto his. It’s something he welcomes, by the way, his hands moving from your cheek to your neck and kissing you deeper.

You know exactly what he means by saying all of that. And you find it cute, how his way of comforting you is quite a roundabout, yet why does it still work? But you find the answer when you pull away, that first moment when you open your eyes — really open your eyes — and meet his. He’s right.

That lady’s opinion didn’t matter. It hurts, you know he’s not invalidating it, but he just knows talking about it further would just frustrate you more. Besides, he’s been with you long enough to know; if you want to, you would talk about it, and he would listen. As he always does. Even when it’s about things you considered trivial or stupid, he always gives you the time of day, always tries to make everything better.

He’s right — she doesn’t matter. To you, the one that matters most, is him. And you’re grinning silly just thinking of just how much he loves you, and how easily he makes you feel better with just his words. The lady and her biting remarks are well behind you now, as he envelops you in his arms, giving you an important confirmation: Dazai would always have your back, would always protect you.

Because you can have a myriad of doubts, but one thing is for sure.

Dazai is your home.

tags. @yokelish @gogolparadise @fyowyn-writes @smoochi-dazai @animatedarchives

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secondpubertyscene · 3 years

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8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

#personal blog #vent blog #black ftm #black transman #black tpoc #black mental health #personal writing blog #sociology #sociology phd program #covid #grief

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telltaleclerk · 3 years

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Tell me the fandom deets on Macgyver, pretty please?

the first character i ever fell in love with: Jack Dalton - 100% - From the moment I first met him I was like: sassy ex Delta Force who loves everyone too much? MINE!

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: Unpopular answer: Mac honestly. I love Mac. I love him a lot. I understand that he’s been through some shit. But some of his motivations in the last few seasons (fair warning: I’m not totally caught up on the show - this is one of the main reasons why I stopped watching) haven’t made a lot of sense to me. And the stuff with Nasha really made me mad... And I think if they would have given us the voice overs in S3 we would have been able to see more of his motivation and gotten into his head why he was doing/saying some of the things he was doing it would have helped. And from what I’ve seen... I don’t like who he is in a relationship with Desi (I don’t hate MacDesi, but I hate what they’ve done with it in the show from what I’ve seen)... so I just... I don’t know I feel like he’s not the same character from S1-2... and that’s my Mac honestly.

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: I actually think I still love all of my ships from this show... there’s no ship that I don’t like anymore... Huh. But I don’t tend to give up on ships... I don’t know if I’ve ever changed my opinion drastically on a ship in a fandom like that ever.

my ultimate favourite character™: Jack Dalton again... I love him too much. He’s got the greatest lines... he’s charming and witty and loves all of his little found family so much it hurts.

prettiest character: I honestly have to say I think this is a tie between Riley and Mac. I have a bigger crush on Riley... but GAH they’re both so pretty. Like... ridiculously pretty.

my most hated character: James. He’s the worst. I even wrote an entire fic on the premise of Jack getting to punch him in the face. There was some other plot... but I honestly engineered the whole plot and everything around Jack getting to punch James in the face at the end. Worth it.

my OTP: MacDalton - I’m on this ship until it hits an iceberg and sinks. I love them so much. You go kaboom, I go kaboom?! Epic ship material. Coming back for another FUCKING TOUR IN AFGHANISTAN FOR MAC?! Epic ship material.

my NOTP: MacDesi (SORRY! This is not invalidating this ship for ANYONE ELSE - this is a personal opinion and I support you shipping them 100%) - again, fair warning that I’m not caught up on the series... but from everything I’ve seen... Desi is a very abusive SO. I think they had potential, but I really don’t like what they’ve done with it on the show. As for shipping outside of canon... I personally never saw the romantic connection based on their interactions before they got together. Very-Desi centric... the pink dress scene drove me crazy because I didn’t like the idea of Desi trying to win Mac over by doing something like that. Up to that point Desi struck me as the kind of woman to be herself and just wait for a man to make a move on her, or to just be bold and make a move on him. But strutting around in a revealing little dress and playing mating games - I was sad they took her character to that place... so I never really shipped them.

favourite episode: Mac + Jack (S2E12) - as a MacDalton shipped I love this for obvious reasons... but there’s just so much in this episode... I loved seeing Jack and Mac in the army... the way they first met and totally hated each other at first... fantastic. This episode also has my favourite line of all time... when Mac’s trying to defuse the bomb under the hummer... and Jack’s bothering him... Mac: Well, you know what, there is a quicker way to do this. Jack: Really? Mac: Yeah, it involves a loud boom and a bunch of shrapnel in your body. Close second place: Skull + Electromagnet (S2E5) - Harper Hayes is so awesome and badass. I love her a lot.

saddest death: Jill Morgan. I loved her so much. I remember sitting down to watch the S3 premiere and saying: As long as they don’t kill Jill, they really can’t let me down...

favourite season: 2 - I loved Cage. I loved all the dynamics. My favourite episodes are in this season. It’s solid from start to finish. I love this whole season.

least favourite season: I will say 3... because I didn’t watch enough of S4 to name it. But S3 really let me down. I hated the way things just faded away with Nasha. I wish they’d had a better end to that. I hated that we lost the voice overs, especially because some of the stuff Mac was doing and saying was obviously because he was messed up over what happened with Jill and Murdoc and all that, and if we’d had voice overs we could have understood what he was feeling. The same way we did in S1 when all the stuff with Nikki was going on. Jack left. Gross. And he left Mac behind with just that handshake. Before Jack left I hated the way he was treated - they made him into the comedic relief buffoon... and there were several episodes where Mac was making Jack the butt of jokes. Desi showed up and it was pretty obvious when she came on the scene that they were introducing her as a new love interest for Mac. I have 0 tolerance for female characters being introduced solely as a love interest - cause: gross. I hated the Riley/Billy breakup. I hated that they killed Jill. I hated that Charlie died the way he did, and then that night when they got together for beers Mac was smiling and hitting on Desi And let’s not forget that DESI got a phone call from Jack when Charlie died... but Mac didn’t. WHY?! You really think Jack would find out that Charlie died the way he did and not immediately call his boy!? Bullshit Sorry for the rant... but there were a lot of things in this season I didn’t care for.

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: I guess Desi... though I wouldn’t say everyone else loves her. I just... there was so much potential with Desi as a character. Strong asian-American woman who’s the badass strong arm of their team... and they made her a love interest and made her kind of an abusive SO... and I just didn’t care for that. I think her and Mac as characters were both treated badly as a result. In conclusion: I really wanted to like her... I even have a huge crush on her... but I still just... don’t.

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: I guess Murdoc?... Cause I love Murdoc a lot. And I was sad that they ruined the dynamic between him and Mac when he killed Jill. Killing Jill made it so their dynamic can never be the same. Mac didn’t like Murdoc before, but now he hates him on a personal level and will never forgive him.

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: Riley - she deserved for Ellwood to stick around. She deserved for Jack to stick around. She deserved for Billy to STICK AROUND. And she deserves to have Mac treat her his found sister and not try to get into her pants the way he seems to every other woman he’s EVER around. (AGAIN: I am not in any way saying MacRiley isn’t a valid ship. I can see the potential - ship to your heart’s content). All this talk of love triangles upsets me... I think they’ve waited too long to pull the trigger on MacRiley... because they’ve always very much had sibling vibes to me.

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: I had originally written that I didn’t have one, but I TOTALLY DO!!! Jack/Harper Hayes!!! I have this series of fics where she’s basically his Murdoc and is totally stalking him and stuff... and I just... everything I’ve written around their sexual tension is very non-con... but I love them a lot and I DON’T KNOW WHY.

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: Mac/Jill - I kinda love them. I love the idea of them being nerds together. I think they would be adorable. Jill is into the spy life but not a field agent so there wouldn’t be as much stress for Mac about losing his girl to the life... etc... So I love them. I think they could have been happy together. And seeing Mac have a happy little home with someone he can still talk about spy stuff with I think would have been great. And yet as much as I love them I just still sit back and dream about it, but I haven’t written much for them. Thank you for the ASK!!! I love doing these!

#macgyver #macdalton #jack dalton #angus macgyver #desi nguyen #riley davis

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jungxk · 3 years

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// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

#answered

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theusurpersdog · 5 years

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I’m Sorry You Loved Daenerys Targaryen

I’m sorry you loved Queen Daenerys Targaryen, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Shackles and Mother of Dragons

All joking aside, I am genuinely sorry for people who related to her character in such a deep way. I’m not as sorry for people who love her just because they do, but to the women who found her story of abuse relatable, or her fear of mental illness. I understand why you felt so attached to her, and how this could be a huge blow to how you view the story in general.

But that is not George Martin’s fault.

A huge part of enjoying fantasy, and books/art in general, is that it gives us a whole new world to step into and enjoy. A Song of Ice and Fire in particular encourages readers to really step into the characters (especially considering the POV structure of the books) and understand why they do the things they do. George Martin wanted his readers to empathize with Daenerys, and how she went from a scared young girl to being the Mother of Dragons. But he is not responsible for the life history of all of his readers. Just because you saw something in particular in Daenerys, does not invalidate what the creator of Daenerys sees in her. You may have found strength in her reclaiming her life from Viserys, moving on from her abuse, and rising to be Queen of Meereen, but that doesn’t change that Martin has been writing her as grey from the start. Just because you found personal satisfaction in her highs, does not invalidate her lows.

From the start, Daenerys was written as the natural antagonist of our heroes (Starks). We know that she is being lied to, and is lying to herself, when her first chapter starts with lines such as “The Usurper and his dog” and “Dragons did not mate with the beasts of the field, and Targaryens did not mingle their blood with that of lesser men”. If you comb through any of Daenerys’ chapters, you’re bound to find at least 4 or 5 quotes that should’ve been raising red flags for readers. George Martin literally begged people to understand what he was doing when he publicly said The Meereenese Blot understood exactly what he was doing with Daenerys. Its unfair to say GRRM didn’t try and warn you.

As far as “well she also freed slaves!” that is an oversimplification, and contrasts what Martin himself thinks about people:

We have the angels and the demons inside of us, and our lives are a succession of choices. Look at a figure like Woodrow Wilson, one of the most fascinating presidents in American history. He was despicable on racial issues. He was a Southern segregationist of the worst stripe, praising D.W. Griffith and The Birth of a Nation. He effectively was a Ku Klux Klan supporter. But in terms of foreign affairs, and the League of Nations, he had one of the great dreams of our time. The war to end all wars – we make fun of it now, but God, it was an idealistic dream. If he’d been able to achieve it, we’d be building statues of him a hundred feet high, and saying, “This was the greatest man in human history: This was the man who ended war.” He was a racist who tried to end war. Now, does one cancel out the other? Well, they don’t cancel out the other. You can’t make him a hero or a villain. He was both. And we’re all both.

This is very clearly Martin talking about Daenerys, and how someone who did great things can also be terrible.

What I’m trying to say is, it is perfectly okay that you found strength in certain elements of Daenerys’ story. If she made you feel better or helped you recover, that’s okay. It’s okay that you didn’t see certain elements of her story because you loved the good parts. But you also have to admit you fell in love with your Daenerys, not George Martin’s. GRRM has written an extensive amount of characters actively fighting against destructive and oppressive power structures, while also overcoming their abusers, so to demonize his story at this point is unfair. Daenerys never represented those things within his narrative, so he never took that away from her.

Your Daenerys may represent those things, and she still can. If you enjoy your interpretation of the character, write that. But don’t say George Martin made a mistake, because he didn’t.

His Daenerys was always coming with Fire & Blood.

#anti daenerys #asoiaf #daenerys targaryen #game of thrones

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calocera · 4 years

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SPOILERS FOR CATS 2019, here’s my hot takes and opinions

be warned, THIS IS LOOOONG

First off my overall opinion, i LITERALLY cannot say whether it was good or bad, like lots of critics say it just...is beyond that. It’s VERY fun and that’s all I can bring myself to say, I have LOTS of problems with it but I can’t even say that they make the movie bad. It is definitely worth watching

OPINIONS ON CHARACTERS:

Victoria: she’s good! I appreciate that they kinda left her personality blank other than her innocence since that’s pretty much how she always was, still not super thrilled with her as a main character but franchesca did the best she could

Munkustrap: I loved him! he was more of a main character than I would have expected, but they STILL cut all the charm from his lines... why do I love him then? Robbie fairchild did AMAZING background acting, whenever he was in frame he was always doing something SUPER munkustrap-y and making cute dad faces. he was dealt bad lines but he worked around it best he could. Also his legs were normal so...epic fail

Mistoffelees: 😒😒😒😒😒🤢🤢🤮 disappointed but not at all surprised...he was just a Woobie, a softboy uwu nice guy. I felt like I was seeing fanon 2013 loki in cat form. THEY MADE HIS SONG A SADBOY PITY PARTY SONG...WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE 11 O’CLOCK NUMBER SLOW AND SAD???? Where is the smug little shit who’s vague and aloof yet confident and joyous? He was murdered by his evil homophobic shadow clone. I’m not even gunna indulge the fact that him and Victoria were a thing, I’ll go over that later. He also just constantly looked like the crying cat meme his eyes were so red and watery it was horrifying, yet somehow he wasn’t the worst character , that leads us too.....

tugger: what.the.fuck.did.you.do.to.this.boy. HE GOT THE TREATMENT I EXPECTED FOR MUNKUSTRAP! HE WAS DEMOTED TO BACKGROUND CHARACTER! not only did he not sing mr. mistoffelees, he literally did nothing other than his song, he never interacted with ANY characters besides jenny in 1 scene. I know cats has no set main characters but he’s undoubtedly one of the most important characters and he’s like...the least important named character in the movie. ALSO Jason Derulo was not sexy at all. There was NO hip thrusting NO sexy meowing NO glamrock, he was just an asshole and if I hadn’t already seen the original I would have either completely forgotten about his character or though he was the worst character. I’m so fucking angy I cannot express.

Girzzabella: ngl I expected better. Her acting was great but with the horrible effects I couldnt get invested but I’ll touch on the effects later. Her singing was good, but I expected it to carry the movie and it wasn’t at all the best song in the movie, I’d say she’s about as good as I expected she’d be but the movie itself was more enjoyable than I expected so she was less significant

Old d: she was fine, she LOOKED the part definitely, she didn’t have as large a presence as ken page but I wouldnt expect that of her. Her singing wasn’t the greatest though, her voice is fine by it’s just NOT suited to old d’s songs. I would have preferred she play a female gus bc her voice is very sweet and frail, not at all built for belting like her songs required.

Macavity: he’s just...eh. He’s basically a comic relief villain which sucks. He does practically nothing besides kidnap people, say a cheesy line, and act like a caricature of a 90s cartoon villain (and not one of the fun ones) like theres a scene where he poofs away and when he does it he goes, MACAvityyyyyyy and fades away its so unintentionally funny but it just makes him so lame as a villain. not to mention he doesnt even die at the end or get any satisfying conclusion he just gets stuck on top of a statue and his powers suddenly stop working (for some reason??)

Bombalurina: fuck that, I am simultaneously glad she only was in the macavity number bc fuck off Taylor Swift but also disappointed bc she deserved so much better.

Bustopher: 😟 never in my darkest nightmares did I think I’d see bustopher Jones deepthroat multiple crayfish but here we are. Somehow THIS was the most sexual song, I cannot begin to name the fetishes checked off by this performance bc itd hit word limit. Let me just say that I said multiple times out loud, “damn bustopher kinda a freak with it 😏😏” like I CANNOT stress how weirdly sexual it gets. And ofc its all otherwise just haha funney fat guy eat food and burp and fall down. He also breaks the fourth wall a few times which like, fuck you

Jenny: exactly what was shown in the trailer. Unfunny fat jokes and slapstick humor. Also they focused WAY too many shots on her cat pussy and I wish I was making that up. Also of note is that the cgi on the rats and cockroaches are drastically worse than the rest of the movie, like not just bad designs the effects are BAD. also they translated they whole gumbie cat fur-shedding as her wearing fake skin over her outfit which would be fine but UHH the fake fur is skin tight??? so it literally looks like shes ripping off her skin and she does it multiple times its fucking terrifying

Mungojerrie and rumpelteazer: meh, they are fine as characters, not quite as energetic as I would have liked but they didn’t massively fuck anything up? The song was horrible, they went against the beat for...some reason? Like it’s a song with a very distinct rhythm and they split up the lyrics so weirdly. I liked that they followed through with the lore of them working for macavity

Skimbleshanks: YES YESSSSSSSSSS HOLY FUCKING SHIT 💗💕💖💞💜😳😳😳😳😳😳😳💜💛🧡💚💖❤️💗 i absolutely CANNOT express how good skimbleshanks made me feel. He looks like a leather daddy with his chains and suspenders and hat and stache, I hate that I’m saying this but uh...mr skimbleshanks sir😳 we were actually screaming it was so fucking good. Watching this movie was worth it just for skimble. Unironically. I’m listening to the song as we speak. It was kinda weird that they moved the tap dancing to this song but that’s more of a detractor from Jennie’s and a plus side to skimbles since it’s good tap

Gus: good! Ian did a good job of course, no one doubted that he would.

Growltiger and griddlebone: not racist but still absolutely horrifying. One of the worst parts of the movie, I actually got squeamish looking at griddlebone a few times that’s how bad she looks

Everyone else: not that good. I couldn’t tell who was who, all their personalities were annoying, I’m on imdb as we speak trying to figure out who even was supposed to be who. Demeter is completely butchered and jemima just isn’t there, doesn’t sing her part, it all sucked man.

Tech talk:

CGI: okay so here’s the thing, the effects are good. GREAT even, the issue is how fucking horrible the designs are. The lack of cat nose, mouth, and hairy cheeks makes them all look disgusting. Also the feet. Holy fuck why do they have feet. THERES A FUCKING SCENE WHERE TUGGER GRABS VICTORIAS FOOT AND SNIFFS IT. IT LASTS LIKE 5 SECONDS. Old Deuteronomy, Gus, and Cassandra (bc she was already bald) are the only characters I’d say look anywhere close to decent, grizabella looks okay in profile but head on it’s all horrible again. its really such a shame bc the sets are gorgeous! i really hope this movie gets some form of recognition for its sets.

the editing and directing was DOGSHITTTTTTT there are SO many scenes where characters just teleport or parts where people are singing and no ones mouths are moving its really distracting

Other things:

it’s OBVIOUS that the critics calling this movie horny have never seen the original. I’d definitely say the movie is LESS HORNY than the play. It IS however waaaaaaay more uncomfortable with its hornieness, so I’d say in that regard YES, the horny stuff is much more gratuitous and off putting despite there being an overall smaller amount than the play. ie everything bustopher jones does

They changed a BUNCH of lyrics for some reason?? Like they cut verses which I understand but there are like a handful of lyrics in almost every song they just...change. like...okay? All changing lyrics is gunna do is make people who knew the songs frustrated when they can’t sing along

the dancing was incredible! shame the cg just fucking invalidates all of it bc your mind doesnt register it as real people doing real moves

OKAY THE FUCKING CATNIP SCENE so when taylor swift showers everyone in catnip they all just fucking start moaning and go FULL HORNY its TOO MUCH like misto full on does an o face like eyes rolled back mouth open and munkustrap is like ass up panting i still havent processed it im fucking terrified to encounter it again. they cut the orgy? yet added THIS??? k

WHY did they take 2 of the most iconic characters who FREQUENTLY interact and just

a. Never even have them make eye contact

b. Make 1 a background character

c. Completely change the personality of the other one

On the topic of Victoria/misto: I am just still at a loss as to why they thought it’d be a good idea? They completely removed Plato and for what? This? Pathetic. It’s worth noting the weirdly munkustrap has WAYYY more chemistry with both Victoria AND mistoffelees then they did with each other (there’s a part where it looks like misto and munk are about to kiss for some reason?? munk ALSO gets all touchy feely with skimbleshanks???) anyways munkustrap king moments

tldr; its worth watching, the best parts were the sets, the dancing, skimbleshanks, and munkustrp fucking CARRIES the weight of the world with his face acting. the worst things were a big fat tie between bustopher, tugger,misto,jenny,growltiger and griddlebone, and the godawful design choices

#cats the musical #cats movie #cats spoilers #my post

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eleanorblue · 3 years

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The Best Day of the Worst Year

It was a gorgeous morning--the sky was crystal blue, it was unseasonably warm, there was little wind to speak of--and I wanted a donut.

We hadn't been leaving the apartment except for work all week, scuttling from home to lab like frightened mice. We’d stocked up on groceries the weekend before in order to minimize the amount of time we had to spend outside. Of course, we’d been spending much of our time inside ever since March, but now, our biggest fear wasn’t the virus. We were afraid of what everyone--the other nervous inhabitants of our city, the intimidating protesters from (mostly) out-of-town, the blank-faced National Guard members stationed around city hall--might do whenever the announcement came.

Earlier that week, I’d been walking home from work when a troop of motorcyclists sped past, revving their engines and shouting slogans. It was clear from the vile glads on their bikes and the twisted things they yelled why they were here. They didn’t say anything to ME specifically--they were just causing a ruckus--but I worried what their presence signified. I knew these people were capable of violence. Two gun-carrying men had already been arrested under suspicion of plotting some sort of attack.

But it was Saturday, and I always bought donuts on Saturdays, and nothing serious had actually happened all week. The marketplace was right across the street from the convention center--the epicenter of the protests and counterprotests and counter-counterprotests--but I figured I’d be in and out quickly and it wasn’t likely that anything would go down in broad daylight in the twenty minutes I’d be out.

(Besides...maybe I was a little curious to see the protests for myself.)

So off I went to the donut shop. The streets were fairly empty until I got to the protests, but the market was as busy as ever. As I stood in line, waiting to buy my donuts (I always get two donuts with vanilla frosting and sprinkles--yes, I am that boring), my phone vibrated in my pocket.

It went off again. And again. And again.

Then suddenly, there was a great roar from the crowd outside that made everyone in the market turn towards the windows. I’ve been in cheering crowds before--clapping in the audience after a musical, shouting in the bleachers at sporting events--but this cheer was different. This didn't sound like a bunch of voices cheering at the same together--it was a singular roar, as if everyone’s voices had merged together to become one.

I looked at my phone and nearly dropped it.

It was 11:30 am on November 7th. Philadelphia had just counted enough votes for the Associated Press to call Pennsylvania. Every major news outlet had just called the U.S. Presidential Election for Joe Biden.

And I was standing across the street from where those votes had been counted.

I ran outside.

There were two groups standing outside the convention center, separated by yellow tape and police officers. On the side closest to the convention center, there were around 50-100 Trump supporters. They stood silently, solemnly, holding their flags and banners.

The other side--made up of hundreds of people--was having a party. Cheering, whooping. Waving handmade signs and flags. Every few minutes, a chant would break out--“Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!” Or, “Biden won! Biden won! Biden won!”

Holy shit, I thought.

I took a couple of pictures and videos and sent them to my family. Then I started to feel antsy. Not much was happening, and the street was too crowded for my liking during a pandemic.

I decided to walk to Independence Hall--the site of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. It was only a few blocks away, and it seemed appropriate to go there the day Trump was voted out of power.

When I got there, I discovered that I was not the only person who had had that idea.

I crossed Arch Street and climbed up on a row of stone benches so I could better see. The streets were beginning to fill with excited Philadelphians, laughing and cheering. It looked like they were setting up for something--a temporary stage had been erected, and bright-shirted volunteers were scurrying around with pamphlets and clipboards. Someone started playing music.

I realized three things. One, there was absolutely no way I was going to hide inside--not on this gorgeous, electric, miraculous morning. Two, I needed to change--I was dressed for typical November weather, and it was hot. Three I was hungry. I’d forgotten about the donuts, after all.

I went home quickly, put on something lighter, and made myself a sandwich. Then I went back out and headed for my favorite park.

In the short time I’d been inside, the city had changed.

Cars honked and people screamed wildly out of their sunroofs, waving at pedestrians. People in their apartments cheered out of their windows, waving banners. I passed a woman in her forties walking down the street, just banging a pot with a spoon.

Someone was playing music in my favorite park as well, and little kids were dancing in a circle. I sat on a bench, ate my sandwich, and marveled.

I don’t have the words to describe how it felt to be in Philadelphia on that day. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The atmosphere was jubilant, electric, euphoric. The near-unbearable tension, worry, and unease of the last week had been wiped away, and people sobbed with relief as they laughed with joy.

Biden won! Biden won! Biden won!

Suddenly, a loud cheer rose up from Locust Street. A crowd rounded the corner, waving Biden 2020 signs as they marched down the street. Everyone in the park--myself included--rushed to the stone walls to meet them.

They kept coming. And kept coming. And kept coming. Marching down the street, heading northeast.

It was a whole spontaneous parade.

“We’re heading to Independence Hall!” a man shouted. “Come on!”

I am a shy person. I’m pretty reserved in public. I rarely talk to people I don’t know. I’m not the kind of person who engages with random people on the street.

But I joined that parade.

More and more people joined us as we marched towards Independence Hall. Others stayed inside, calling out from their windows. I waved to them all. Church bells rang, cowbells clanged, and people whooped and screamed with joy.

It was a cacophony, and I hate cacophonies, but I loved this one.

Independence Park was MUCH more crowded than it had been an hour earlier. The green between Chestnut and Market was packed with people, and even the green between Market and Arch was pretty dense. I wove my way through the crowd until I found a space where I could stand without worrying about COVID.

The speeches had started. Organizers climbed on the makeshift stage and spoke about all the work that had gone into this election--campaigning for Biden, registering people to vote, and actually getting people to the poll. They talked about all the work that still needed to be done...and how that work was now possible.

After all, we were happy, but we weren’t stupid. We knew we were still living in a global pandemic with massive income inequality during rampant climate change. 74 million people apparently thought that Trump was the better choice, which was and is quite frightening. And we knew we still had three more months under Trump, and he was going to try to pull a bunch of BS to try and invalidate the election.

But for the first time in four years, there was HOPE. It might actually be possible to work to address the devastating inequalities that plague us. There was going to be an END to the constant barrage of assaults on our democracy and people. We’d have an administration that actually, like, listening to experts. An administration that believed in science. An administration that believed in...decency, in respect and courtesy and kindness.

Instead of constantly having to fight to protect the liberties we’d managed to scrape together, we could actually make progress.

The rest of the day blurs together in my memory. I spent it wandering around Center City, calling out to and cheering with random strangers. There was a dance party at City Hall, and I, Ella who has never danced in public ever before, bounced around to some teenage pop songs. There were parades up and down Broad Street, and I saw people dressed in inflatable T-Rex and Unicorn costumes. (I don’t really know why.) Someone handed me a pamphlet on reforming the prison system, and another person gave me a t-shirt with Dr. Fauci’s face. (Another person gave me a booklet on repenting for my sins before the end times--that was kind of strange.) Some clever person was blasting Hamilton songs at one of the parks.

The world turned upside down...

For the first time I’m thinking past tomorrow!

History is happening in Manhattan Philadelphia and we just happen to live in the greatest city in the world, the greatest city in the world!

When I finally came home that evening and crashed into bed, I could still hear the noise from outside. Cowbells, cheering, singing, laughing. It all melded into tone symphony of joy and relief, of celebration in the midst of misery, of light in the darkest hour.

It was the sound of people who could breathe again.

#ella rambles #under the cut because I am completely unable to be concise #election 2020

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ibelieveinahappilyeverafter · 4 years

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Alright, everyone, this is a personal post as much as it’s a public post so feel free to scroll all the way down to the colored text for the public part of the message but if you, like me, enjoy drama, then continue on!

So, to make a very, very, very long story short for those who don’t know, I call my birth mother Mother Gothel due to her emotionally abusive upbringing of me that caused me to suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and even hair loss! A few years ago, back in 2016, my friend-turned-sister drove down with her mother, packed me and my bags up, and gave me a place to live and start over where I’ve been able to get jobs, go to school, and become much healthier than I used to be!

During those years of growth and recovery, however, I kept in contact with Gothel through emails and the occasional phone call. Over the years, from the safety of being hundreds of miles away, I told her that I was gay and dating a girl. The resulting emails were not pleasant and she had no problems about calling my girlfriend a whore. Lovely, right?

Every email she has sent me has contained detailed bible quotes and scripture and needles of guilt over everything I’m doing “wrong.” She’s still “so proud of me,” however. So at least there’s that, right?

As of recently I emailed her and told her that I will be attending a four-year university in Tacoma Washington (moving away from Illinois) to continue my education. Her resulting email was lengthy. Here is some of it - cut for length.

Hi Michelle.

...

You have to watch everything you say this day and time, at least that is what Jesus said in the Book of Matthew 5:37-- "Let your Yes be Yes, and let your No be No. Anything else is from the evil one." (anotherwords the devil will take your words you speak and trip and mess you up land you in jail or prison for 10 yrs)That would be really sad after you work so hard for an education and degrees then let him mess you up but read in John 10:10--the enemy comes to steal--kill--destroy--but Jesus said I have come so that you may have life and have it more abundantly. That is why Jesus said in Proverbs 18:21" Life and death are in the power of the tongue"

...

I was telling Mom on the phone just this morning we talked for two hours-- that I was going to get a restaurant job here as soon as possible and let it move me out of here--I am moveing to Battle Creek or Marshall by Sept (labor day) and that I was sooo excited that I would finally get to see you, she said either her or Carl would drive me to [REDACTED] every now and then to see you. So Yes, I feel like a bomb was just dropped on me, my heart is broken, however I hope you will be happy and I wish you well in body and spirit-- I wish you nothing but the best. Just know one thing is for sure, I read my Bible and I will tell you right now, we are living in our last days you need to be concerned about where you are going to spend eternity. I just finished up reading the book of Matthew. In Matthew 21:25 The Heading Reads: "The Coming of the Son of Man" vs 25- And their will be signs in the Sun, the Moon, the Stars--mens hearts will fail them for fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the earth, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. vs 27--THEN they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with Power and Great Glory. Now when these things begin to happen, look up and list up your heads, because your redemption draws near". Jesus said He would give us signs in the Heavens above and the earth beaneath. All of the earthquakes that have been happening for the last decade leading up to the Austrailian wildfires, and billions of animals died, God is giving us the signs, its just like He said in Matthew 24:36-44.

Lastly, 1 Thessalonians 4 :13--But I do not want you to be ignorant brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God wil bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from Heaven With A SHOUT--with the voice of an archangel, and with the Trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rist first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord, Therefore Comfort one another with these words.

After the Rapture, then comes the tribulation. I have read Revelation many times and to say the least you don't want to be left behind. In Heaven their will be 30 mins of silence that is when all Hell breaks loose down here. Just whatever you do, Do NOT take the mark of the beast if you do, then you will mark your soul for eternal damnation. Then you will hear the devil say----"Hello! Welcome to Hell!

I am saying all of this bcuz now you have a choice to live for God or for Satan. If something should happen to your body or God forbid but if someone tries to take your life or you get in an accident and your heart is not right with God--That is exactly how you will stand at the Judgement Bar. The minute you take your last breath in this body, you will be ushered into the presence of God then it is too late to make a decision there it is if the Angel does not find your name in the Book of Life, then the devil stands there waiting to escourt you to------Well lets just say---You Don't want to go there. But the Bible says you will answer for every deed done in the body good and bad.I know one thing, it can't be too much longer according to scripture. The greatest tool the enemy uses from his toolbox is that you have plenty of time--well I can say the devil is a liar cuz Jesus just says--Be Ready it is not up to us how long we get to stay down here, that is God's calling.Second Timothy 3----But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of truth.

Sister, we are living in our last days, make every day that God gives you breath in your body count bcuz you don't know when it will be your last day. There is pleasure in sin for a season--Hebrews 11:24. Whatever you do, don't let the devil take your life and your soul, it is not worth it.

Love You So Much and want to make sure your soul doesn't go to H---. I am praying that you will have a preacher as a husband.I miss you Michelle, I miss hugging you, I miss walking up those stairs to bring your meals to you I would LOVE to hug you just one more time. That may or may not happen before He Returns ony God knows this.Please write me back when you can, you are always on my heart and mind. I have made mistakes while we were all living at 2414, I am so very sorry I pray that you forgive me if I have offended you please forgive me, I thought I had it all together. But now I see, I was just messed up and made lots of wrong choices, but God came along with His Holy broom and cleaned up my mess and said to move on. I am so glad when He forgives our sins, He forgets never no more to be remembered. All I can say is ---Thank-you Jesus.

...

Love You Forever my dearest Daughter and Friend.

This is the average email from her and I’ve been told that it’s not normal to receive emails this long talking about how she’s ‘devastated’ by my choices and how the world is going to end in hellfire soon. Please allow me, however, to show the email she immediately sent after the above.

[T]acoma is Washington's most dangerous city, with a violent crime rate of 953 incidents per 100,000 residents. While this is a relatively high rate — the 96th worst in the country — the city's incidence of property crime stands out even more. ... Indeed, the city had the country's 15th highest property crime rate in 2016

The overall crime rate in Tacoma is 138% higher than the national average. For every 100,000 people, there are 16.81 daily crimes that occur in Tacoma. Tacoma is safer than 3% of the cities in the United States. In Tacoma you have a 1 in 17 chance of becoming a victim of any crime.

Have you done the research for this city?They said Tacoma is the most violent city in Washington,I love you and want you to be happy. There are sooo many universities with the same opportunities.

How would you get around, does your friend drive? I did see how beautiful the area is but you just have to be careful I guess everywhere you go.

As you can see, she immediately invalidates my choice - something I was very truly wonderfully excited about - and sends me a message that triggers my anxiety. I should note that she did not allow me out of the house without her even when I was an adult and over 18. If I went somewhere she had to be there with me.

Ah, but now we come to today and the email that spurred this post to creation. The above emails were sent two days ago and I have yet to respond. The email below was sent just today.

Hi Michelle.

While I cannot apologize for what I said, It was not my intention to offend you in any way. I just went to google and typed in most dangerous city in the state of Washington and Tacoma popped up, that is out of 100 cities in the state.Okay, I know you say you have been there and all and you are no match for all of the evil there. God forbid, should something happen to you--you would be just another name and another number to them there is no much evil there they can't control it, I say to you just watch on a daily basis all of the crime that goes on in that sin city.

You better be praying about this cuz I don't think God would want you to put yourself in harms way--make a wiser choice, and God will bless you for it.Look at what happened to kobe bryant incident.... they met a very bad situation face to face and of course their was no way they could turn that around. My whole point of conversation.....sure you can do what you want bcuz you are an adult grown woman, but I would strongly advise you to pray to God about it and make a wise choice here, your life and future depends on right choices you make now.

What about University of Michigan in Ann Arbor or East Lansing University, Michigan University Kalamazoo, they are on the ten universities in Michigan. You need to reconsider your decision and think about your resourses you can get more help from family bcuz I have all kinds of family up there and I will be up there soon. You are no match for Tacoma Washington. I only say this bcuz you are my daughter and I don't want something really bad come out of this just bcuz you are trying to get an education behind you--this calls for wise decisions.

You may never speak to me again, but I just want to inform you that you need to be very very cautious here.

Love You Forever.

...

“You may never speak to me again.”

...

This is the last email I have read from her and it will remain the last email I will ever read from her. I also will not be sending her any emails ever again because you know what?

Her scared, anxious daughter Michelle Jean Anderson died and I’m what’s left - and I’m sick of her shit.

So, hello, everybody! My name is Andy Alex Anderson and my pronouns are he/him (or they/them if you panic and forget) and it’s a pleasure to meet you!

#everafterupdates #everafterrambles #original #welp okay this is poste dit's on the internet forever now #haaaa #okay #long post

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litsavantbookclub · 4 years

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Verity Book Review

Hello fellow readers!

I just finished Colleen Hoover’s Verity! Before starting it I heard such great things about it and I thought I should probably just take the plunge. It didn’t disappoint. If you are not interested in spoilers, please stop reading.

The book’s protagonist is called Lowen Ashleigh. She’s a small-time thriller writer. She doesn’t want fame and or to make it big like many writers aim to. She prefers a quiet life and avoids being the center of attention. This is the reason she doesn’t do book tours or communicate on social media. She’s a loner and an introvert. She recently lost her mother and needs to get back on her feet. This leads Lowen to accept an in-person interview. This prospective job offer is something she needs, so she goes.

The book begins at this point. Lowen is on her way to the building when she witnesses an awful accident. This leads her to be comforted by unknowingly the person who she’s supposed to be meeting. This chance meeting had an endearing effect on both Lowen and Verity’s husband, Jeremy. Lowen gets the job offer and she agrees to go to the Crawford house to collect notes and create outlines for the next three books. Lowen’s agent, Cory, advises her to get in and out because of the tragedies the Crawford’s have recently gone through. Lowen is offended by Cory’s insinuations.

One of the greatest things about this book is when Lowen discovers Verity’s autobiography. Just like that she’s drawn to this strange world inhabited by the Crawfords. Lowen becomes enchanted and is seemingly unable to break away from the text. At first, Lowen dismisses it as nothing more than insight into the writer she’s trying to emulate: “I need to see how Verity’s mind works to understand her as a writer” (60). It’s a reasonable point, one that becomes moot the moment Lowen keeps diving deeper. She does this regardless of all the private moments she becomes privy to.

Lowen not only tries to understand and get into Verity’s head but begins to get closer and more infatuated by her husband: “...it’s not the worst thing. Being forced to step into Verity’s shoes and visualize Jeremy for the next twenty-four months as I write” (99). Earlier in the book Jeremy claims that he wasn’t interested in reading Verity’s books because he didn’t want to get in her head. This is exactly what Lowen starts to do. She is literally reading about this woman’s deep and confessional moments and it is changing her. And just like what Lowen says: “things lurking around inside the mind can be just as dangerous as tangible threats” (150). In this book, the real threats are the ones inside the character’s minds specifically Lowen, Verity, and Jeremy. At this time, Lowen has descended into icy depths the slippery slope has plunged her in and she doesn’t even realize it.

Lowen tries many times to “stop” but she always ends up back with the manuscript in her hands. She keeps reading, becoming more and more disturbed and more involved in Jeremy’s relationship with his invalid wife, Verity. Hoover creates two different versions of Verity in this book, there’s the Verity that Lowen first meets when she arrives under the guise of Laura Chase: “Verity’s eyes are vacant, uninterested in her surroundings. She’s unaware of the nurse. Unaware of me” (51). This Verity is vulnerable, childlike, and innocent. In this form, Verity is a far cry from the Verity contained in her So Be It manuscript. Lowen is visibly staggered by how far Verity has fallen from the successful and published author known to the world: “I try to cover the chills that have appeared on my arms” (52). Lowen is uncomfortable by Verity’s helplessness and mentions that she wouldn’t want to be in her position. She pities her, Jeremy, and Crew.

The other Verity is the exact opposite of the former. She is vivacious, proud, and emotional. The readers learn early on that even though she is over the moon for her partner, Jeremy, she has her limitations. Those limitations are what keep the action going in this story within the story. Verity is wildly jealous, irrational, and neurotic. All of these traits tied to the other facets of her personality mentioned earlier, create an explosive person with maladaptive tendencies. Eventually, these tendencies become impulsions that Verity cannot and does not want to keep in check. One of the biggest sections in So Be It is the moment Verity narrates her first pregnancy. In just this area alone Verity reveals her controversial thoughts on Jeremy’s love for their unborn babies: “being forced to love the one thing Jeremy loved more than me...I was suddenly not okay with being the third most important thing in Jeremy’s life” (107). This Verity openly speaks about her she feels and stands by it. In this instance, she is not okay with being a mother. The news that she’s having twins is received negatively. Up until here, Verity is happy with it being just her and Jeremy. The fact that they conceived on the day of their engagement puts a damper on Verity’s plans.

Verity’s relationship with Jeremy according to her story is toxic, a charade, and codependent. She’s obsessed with Jeremy and is not honest about her real hangups about motherhood. When the twins are born, this obsession only grows. Verity feels threatened by her children and Jeremy’s unconditional love for them. She attempts to cause miscarriages all because she wants to drop the dead weight she views her daughters as. The violence doesn’t stop there either. It gets worse. Lowen denounces and starts to hate Verity for her resentment and murderous actions. Ultimately, Lowen’s ability to read and finish this book is what compels her to keep getting closer to Jeremy. Her coveting of Jeremy and eventual attainment make her a mirror image of Verity. This doubling is apparent from the beginning until Lowen’s transformation is complete at the end.

Hoover’s decision to include the unpublished manuscript of Verity’s So Be It, is great. She was able to give a voice to a character that doesn’t utter a word until the end of the book. Hoover also employs good use of pacing throughout the book. She doesn’t use jump scares but suspense and doubt as tools to drive Lowen’s anxiety and paranoia. Hoover’s decision to leave such a big question as a cliffhanger is awesome and I tend to respect ambiguous endings. We as readers will never completely know which was the real Verity. But that is beside the point because Jeremy has found another woman to take her place and Lowen is fine with how things turned out.

Rating: 4 stars

Keywords: Shocking, ambiguous, addictive

P.S. This book gave me V.C. Andrews vibes specifically of Flowers in the Attic variety. Creepy house, check. Unhinged woman fallen from grace, check. Secrets and family drama, yup.

What did you think of Verity?

#verity #colleenhoover #suspense #thriller #bookreview #bookblogger #litsavantbookclub #astridfayereads #theponderingscribe #bookstagrammer #thoughtsonbooks #readingismysuperpower #writingismyoutlet #ambiguousendings #vcandrews #flowersintheattic #charades #addictivebooks

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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February 8th-February 14th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from February 8th, 2020 to February 14th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

Which of your characters is most like you, and how does the similarity affect how you write them?

Nutty (Court of Roses)

Every one of my main characters in Court of Roses https://courtofroses.spiderforest.com/ has a little piece of me, but Merlow takes a big chunk of me, and/or the person I try to be, in his character. I tend to feel for him a lot and get deep into his emotional highs and lows.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

In Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366), I am actually most similar to my villain, Ryukou, which.... is a bit concerning and also oddly cathartic at the same time. Ryukou, like me, is book smart rather than street smart, just an absolute nerd. He obsesses over details and frequently gets lost in his work (often as a detriment to his health, forgetting to eat and sleep and such). He is a severe overthinker about pretty much everything, and he bottles his emotions inside. He is also asexual and generally has a hard time showing affection. This is to the point where when he finds someone he really cares about, losing them is like losing the one friend he ever had. Pretty much all of these traits are directly inspired by me, which leaves behind an interesting feeling, because even through all of his evil acts, his horrible deeds and unforgivable sins... I still want to redeem him. I don't want to call him "evil," because to do so feels like accepting myself as evil. So I do a lot of labeling him as "troubled" instead of "evil."

Mei

People say that I'm a lot like my character Bruce but with a spattering of Kenneth's sardonic nature. I feel as if I just split myself in two to write them! My friends do joke about Kenneth being the vent for all my frustrations, and honestly... they are not wrong... I do think a lot of my characters have a bit of me in them. Whether it's the sense of humour or the sass, I think it's just a part of the writing process for me. That being said... I love all my lil characters beans and I cherish them and I just want the best for them, even if I sometimes write them into terrible situations... what can I say, I am a terrible parent to my lil characters

DanitheCarutor

Both my main characters have a little bit of me in them. Apollo has some of my music interests, which is old country and 70's - 80's stuff, mostly rock. Julian, even though their interests and general personality are being overshadowed by their mental state right now, they like science and reading. Although their interests aren't exactly like mine, I like geology as well as biological sciences like medical science and zoology, while Julian enjoys biological plant sciences like botany and horticulture. They're not really THAT similar, but I guess I consider them so since it's all nerdy science bs. I do have more than just interests, but I'll put those behind a spoiler since they're generally sensitive topics and also really personal: SPOILER Since my comic is a vent comic, I use my characters are tools to explore my own issues, and see them from a different perspective. I filter a lot of my mental issues through Julian, which is stuff like long-term suicidal depression and self-hate. Not gonna lie, I've been living with urges to die since I was 11, and have been feeling like crap for longer than that. Apollo is loosely in a position of a kid seeing a parent in an abusive relationship, having that feeling of being powerless and not knowing what to do, although he doesn't take notice of the situation till the end of chapter 5/beginning of chapter 6. (Although it can also extend to the friend or non-child relative, 3rd party type affected by the situation. I've been in that position as well...) Also later on living with a person who has PTSD and other serious psychological issues. Being a person who was raised by a parent with PTSD and anxiety due to an abusive ex-husband, it quite an experience, especially since neither of us were educated in the slightest on mental health. (I was a child, so you know, I didn't really know better.) In my teens she married a guy who was all emotional abuse, so that's where the "helpless kid" stuff comes from.(edited) END SPOILER

DanitheCarutor

Even though people who know me who've seen the comic think it's a bad idea, working on it actually been super cathartic. It puts to paper emotions and experiences that I have a lot of trouble putting into words, while also letting me see "myself" from a different perspective. Also with how dedicated I've been to researching for this comic I have explored a lot of the good sides to mental health, good coping mechanisms, and general self-care. Which later on becomes the main focus in the story. So my comic has been really nice for me. You can say I'm personally invested in seeing it through till the end.

Lol you know, the more I post on the more I feel like I just make everything uncomfortable. Uh, just kick me from the server if you all feel like I'm ruining the mood, I'll totally understand! xD

keii4ii

It's totally fine as far as I'm concerned! I just hope you're not feeling too uncomfortable

DanitheCarutor

I see stuff like this as me just using myself as an explanation or example for the nature of my comic, the focus isn't really on me specifically so it feels less awkward. It feels more technical and less personal, even though the subject matter is super personal... if that makes any sense.(edited)

So yeah, I'm good!

DanitheCarutor

Er, better explanation: It's easier to talk about personal stuff when it's for my comic than when it's for me. Sorry, my wording was bothering me.

kayotics

I mean, you're not the only one to use comics or characters as a way to deal with things emotionally. I've absolutely done that before. Both Toivo and Rosemary in Ingress Adventuring Company (https://www.ingress-comic.com/) are inspired a lot from me and my own experiences. Rosemary is modeled after me as a teenager: irritable, a know it all, annoyed, and then has a single parent who she has a very hard time relating to because of how different emotionally they are. Toivo is inspired in a different way. He has traits that I wish I had (like emotional vulnerability and cheerfulness), and faces problems that were inspired by events in my life. both of them seem to actually share a lot of the flaws that I have, just manifested in different ways.

DanitheCarutor

Pff I mean making people uncomfortable by going into detail about it. Usually I'm more vague, or don't bring up personal stuff, but it's behind a spoiler so eh.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The nature of the question itself is to be personal, considering we're talking about how similar we are to our characters.

I have similarities to one of my other characters as well, but I decided not to talk about it because I'm still working through my issues atm The fact that you're able to talk about these sensitive topics means that you've made a lot of progress.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I personally put bits of myself into my characters deliberately, because it makes it easier to write them in a way that feels authentic to my own experience and feelings (the only first hand references I have for reality)

DanitheCarutor

@Cronaj (Whispers of the Past) It helps a lot that my previous job had an on-site Psychologist who I used to talk to. Before she moved out of state she helped me through a board interview, and got me in the mindset to be open about discussing mental health issues. Although I don't usually talk about my own issues since most of them are self-diagnosed, and saying I have that stuff for sure doesn't feel right, when the Psychologist was around we really only got around to diagnosing and tackling my social anxiety.

It's funny because a lot of our discussions were me asking her about the nature of her work, along with experiences she had with patients since therapy and stuff like that is a large part of the later part of my comic.

But back on topic, poor Julian gets the brunt of my issues, poor thing! Poor comic characters, they deal with so much shit. Lmao!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Indeed they do.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It's not well-hidden that Phantomarine's (http://www.phantomarine.com/) main character Phaedra is extremely similar to me But over time, she's become less of a carbon copy, and more of a critique/exploration of myself when I was younger. Partly just because the comic has gone on for almost five years now - she's remained locked in time, while I've gained clearer hindsight as to who I was at 19. At my best, I was caring, empathetic, hard-working, and thoughtful - at my worst, I was stubborn, stiff, quick to judge, slow to change, and mightily self-righteous. But when some bad life events happened, I was forced to mature in unexpected ways. I wanted to channel that same energy for Phaedra. She's strong in her convictions - but maybe a bit too strong.

Her journey doesn't involve a total invalidation of her convictions, but more of a broadening. Someone inflexible becoming more willing to question her beliefs in the event of new knowledge. Especially with the threat of death/erasure on the line. It's my greatest critique of my younger self - not something I outright hate in retrospect, but something I needed to work on. Phaedra both annoys me and stirs up great pity in me. I think that's a healthy and relatable combination for a teenager/young-adult.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

In terms of, like, her backstory, and how her life unfolds in general, Mizuki is basically nothing like me. But in terms of dialogue... Mizuki talks exactly how I talk in real life.

Tuyetnhi

a lot of folks asked me if Cara is a self-insert when I explicitly states she's kind of an experience between me and my mom's relationship with each other. Though she has some personality from me, that's the same goes with everyone else I create for my comics or written stories.

idk it might just an inherent thing I recognize

twothirty

Like most people have mentioned all my characters in Verse (http://versecomic.com/) have parts of me in them, it's the only way i can write them in a believable way. But if i had to pick just 1, it's definitely Fife. Just 100% anxiety, a constant inner dialogue of self-doubt, and my own nervous tics like playing with hair and picking at nails. It makes writing how he handles problems kind of weird, because I get a bit too much in my own head with it.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can relate with all my characters in some way and definitely throw some of my own culture and experiences in mental illness into them. I feel like I'm able to write those things in better and make them feel more natural because I know what it's really like and how I would be responding to a situation. There's also one character I'm about to introduce (in an update for tomorrow or Monday) who's kind of like how I was as a child.

Capitania do Azar

I feel like I'm just going to repeat a lot of the replies I see here by saying I sprinkled a lot of traits and issues through the characters so I can see them interact and figure things out I don't think there's one of them that gets more than the others though. And it's usually really small things here and there, nothing too big because that would ruin the purpose of trying to have my characters being their own persons

Tuyetnhi

yep, i agree on that

renieplayerone

same here, I kinda spread out between a bunch of different characters. I really wanted to be deliberate in not having a self-insert character while still being able to talk about things I've experienced. I think for me what helped was figuring out what werent things I related to about these characters and went out and talked to people who did have that experience

DanitheCarutor

I dunno, I think it's all in what kind of people... creatures you make your characters. Like, I only have the two and really give Julian the majority of my personal stuff, to where they can superficially be a carbon copy of myself. Although overall their background, personality and how they deal with issues are different. You can put a lot of yourself into one character but it's all in how you have them handle those traits, coupled with what kind of personality they have, and where they come from that makes them their own person, so to speak. People are complicated, you can put a group who share the same interests through the same scenario, and how they react or what they take away from that experience will always be a little different.

Urg, sorry if I'm coming off rude, or stating the obvious!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

You know, I was thinking, "none of my characters are like me," but then @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) 's comment made me remember that, wait, they do sort of talk like me. I don't really like it. Especially when I catch them using words that I use too often, like "just" and "actually." It doesn't help that my friends have said that I have a very "particular way of speaking," whatever that means. How do you guys prevent that kind of thing? Obviously my natural instinct when writing dialogue is to write in my own voice. It feels unnatural to go against that.

keii4ii

One tool you can use is to model a character after someone else. This doesn't really show in my comic, as it's in English only these days, but the characters canonically talk in Korean most of the time. The MC is not fluent in Korean. I modeled his speech after two Korean-American dudes I know IRL, who are not fluent in the language. He doesn't talk exactly like them, as they have very different personalities, but knowing the exact level of brokenness (as in broken Korean) helped a lot back when I was writing the comic in Korean.

Tuyetnhi

I sometimes caught that too with my characters. I try to think of the type of vocabulary they'll use to speak. also what keii said too. I have a handful of characters based on people I knew, and experiences I had in the past as well.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Luckily, my my comic takes place in a much "older" setting, so none of my characters really speak like me. The language is so dated at times that you would have a hard time comparing it to my style of talking at all. Actually.... I do have ONE character who speaks like me. But he's also a 4th wall breaker.

Tuyetnhi

we love characters like that lol

carcarchu

My verbal ticks definitely slip into my characters's dialogue but some of my characters have super wacky speech styles such as the character who only speaks in haiku and the one that only talks in kaomojis so that helps to differentiate them

Deo101 [Millennium]

I give everyone an accent and then just by trying to read it in that accent it kind of loses my voice in that process

DanitheCarutor

To add onto what Keii said, depending on the language, the person who isn't a native speaker may also speak more formally. I used to work in a squadron with a bunch of Dutch pilots, and while their English was exceptional, some of them never used word shortcuts like 'they're' or 'you're' but would instead say 'they are' or 'you are'. Their English was very proper compared to people who were native to the language. You can also base a character's speech off their education level. Like a person who isn't well versed in their grammar, or has a limited vocabulary is going to have related issues while speaking. You can also akin this to how they were raised, if their parents had a specific speech pattern, or they grew up in an area where everyone spoke a certain way they might as well. They might also use different words, such as when I lived in Ohio for a bit I noticed how most people referred to soda as pop, and said words like creek (crick) or pond. As opposed to where I grew up, Arizona, where I rarely heard those specific words being used. Especially creek and pond since we don't have an abundance of natural bodies of water, we usually call everything rivers or lakes regardless of size.(edited)

Uh, to answer more directly. I usually figure in the character's education level, upbringing, and location. For example one of my MCs is a hardcore hick, and doesn't like reading or learning in general, so his speech is very simple and not always grammatically correct. As opposed to my other MC who isn't a native English speaker but put a lot of effort into learning the language, is a very technical person, and worked really hard to hide their accent. Even though they do use shortcuts, their speech is more proper and they use a larger vocabulary because they like reading. They also cuss a hell of a lot more than the other MC because they're extremely salty.(edited)

kayotics

Getting a character's voice right is really hard, honestly. What I have to do when writing dialogue is ask myself "Is this in the character's voice?" dialogue is my favorite thing to write, but it's hard to remember to keep in a specific voice. Sometimes i go back a few times in the dialogue to tweak it so there's the right words being used, and the right sentence structure. It's always a battle between how to say something in the most concise way on the page, but still keeping in the right character voice. Like Dani above me said, there's a lot that goes into figuring out a voice, like education level and upbringing and localisms. I just ask myself "ok, how does this character speak? He feels like he's dumb and he wants to make himself sound smart, so he might use words that are too big here" Eventually with each character I figure out what they're like, but for side characters I try to pick a quirk so they don't all mesh together.

DanitheCarutor

@kayotics Aah! The best thing is when that dumb character uses the wrong big words. "Ah yes sir, I love your work! Your brush strokes are very circumlocution."

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

See, I have a dumb character who knows he's dumb, so he just doesn't talk if he thinks he doesn't know what he's talking about

Which is quite often

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I have a very specific tone I use in my comic & I honestly find it harder to avoid slipping into that tone when writing normal stuff than slipping into my own voice writing the comic

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you do have a very specific tone, sssfrs. Big part of why I read your comic(edited)

I like and agree with kayotics and dani's advice to try to put myself in the character's mind.

Problem is, most of my main characters have similar education levels and grew up in the same place. I mean, there's a reason they're friends.

But that's kind of an excuse, now that I think about it. I've never met two real people with the same voice, even if they're superficially similar. It's probably just a matter of effort differentiating fictional characters.(edited)

Capitania do Azar

How dialog is structured is a great way to show the relationship between the different interacting characters I have two characters who are interested in each other but don't know each other very well and are constantly tiptoeing between using closer pronouns and first names or going back to formal speech and last names/ranks when they feel they're not getting their way. Similarly, a character may speak only in very short, concise sentences to one and be more expressive and take up more words with another. And don't get me started in the weight of silence

AntiBunny

I originally said Hannibal is the most like me in http://AntiBunny.net/ but he and I have grown in different ways since the comic began. Though much of the main cast has bits and pieces of my personality.

sagaholmgaard

I feel like I'm the most like Styrka, mind-wise. I gave her all my anxieties and she's the way I feel like I'd act if I weren't also lucky enough to be in a very positive place in my life, lol. She's the easiest for me to write at least, because I feel like I have the best understanding of her mind out of all the characters. (Behavior-wise, though, I'm more like Albus. I try to be positive if I can!) https://tapas.io/series/_Reclaim_

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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bluephoenixdruidicprincess · 5 years

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OMG I remember when I saw Drusilla for the first time. I was 10 years old, she was in wheelchair and she was so scarring and creepy.I know a lot of people think that Glory was the best female villain in Buffy, but I think it was Drusilla. Some spn/destiel fan are so annoying and you're right about the treatment of female character by the fandom and the writers but it's funny bc I've always feel like destiel fan are mostly women. it's up to the writer to make an interesting demon in a wheelchair.

I think there’s something that’s just generally more terrifying about Drusilla in a wheelchair. One of my greatest fears isn’t necessarily the death of my physical body but moreso the death of my mind. I fear the prospect of losing my mind more than my death. And I think that’s what contributes to Drusilla being so terrifying while she was in the wheelchair. When she wasn’t in the wheelchair, she was still very terrifying in the sense that you knew she would tear you apart based on the whim of her mind that we have very little understanding of. But when she’s in the wheelchair, she has limitations on what she physically can do and if you have that kind of limitation you focus on another mode of torture for your victims. If you can’t physically hurt them, then attack them through the mind. And I think that’s what I found so genuinely terrifying about Drusilla when she was in the wheelchair. Just knowing that if she focused her efforts, she could destroy your mind. And we all know she has the capacity to do it. The whole reason her mind is the way that it is is that Angelus did it to her in the first place. Before he turned her, he wasn’t interested in destroying her body first, he focused on her mind, he destroyed her mind first before he destroyed her body. And because of this, to a certain extent, I think Drusilla will always go for torturing the mind as opposed to the body because that was what was done to her.

I mean, Glory was a good villain in the sense of her power. She was super powerful in ways that were very threatening to the Scooby gang. Most of the fights they had with her, they only made it out alive due to luck. However, I don’t think Glory is a great villain beyond that. To me, as far as her motivations, I think she’s kind of bland. She’s the villain that does villainous things because she’s the villain and has very little connections to the protagonists of the story. While you can say that Drusilla is the same that she wants to do villainous things just because she can, the difference is that Drusilla has a connection to the protagonists when she was first introduced that really propelled the story in interesting directions. And the state of her mind lends credence to an explanation of why she does the things she does. We really didn’t have any of that with Glory. Glory just does things because she’s evil. I mean, the show basically had to retcon Buffy being an only child just to give Buffy a personal link to her fight with Glory. But I also did find Glory quite terrifying as well. That whole thing where she fried Tara’s mind was pretty horrifying. As I said, I have a fear of losing my mind. So that part played perfectly into my fears. As a scary villain, Glory works but I feel like Drusilla was more interesting and dynamic. With Drusilla, you never knew what you were going to get. Was she going tear your throat out or did she just want to have a cup of coffee with you? It was anyone’s guess really what she was going to do from one moment to the next. And that unpredictability was always super interesting.

And to be clear on this, I don’t hate Destiel fans in general. There are some Destiel shippers I do like and am good friends with. And in fanon, I do like the ship (canon Destiel is just a no-go for me anymore), I will still read Destiel fanfiction (although its mainly AU stuff, like I said, canon stuff with Destiel just doesn’t work for me anymore).There’s just a certain faction of Destiel shippers that are just the absolute worst. The group lording over the entire fandom claiming that their ship is the only valid interpretation and everyone else just isn’t reading the foreshadowing, symbolism and subtext correctly. Or if you’re a Megstiel shipper, you’re heteronormative and homophobic. All that crap that comes from certain members of the community is what I can’t stand. Those people disregarding and invalidating what other people choose to enjoy from the show is what I hate to see. Especially since a lot of these other communities within the faction are actually super nice and supportive. Like, when I decided to jump-ship from the Destiel community and dig in a little more into the Sastiel and Megstiel communities to see what those were all about, I was just flabbergasted to find out that there’s communities in the SPN fandom that are super supportive of their thing but they also don’t put other people down at the same time while liking their thing like you see happen with the Destiel community a lot. When I started to really dig into the Sastiel and Megstiel tags, I really began to realize these communities are so much more healthy and positive and supportive and it was just amazing. You can ship Sastiel and Megstiel however you want, using whatever context you want and no one tries to tear you down for it. While when I was in the Destiel community, I had a different take on Destiel and it was like whenever I would talk about Destiel I would have to constantly defend my views on the ship but there’s none of that with Sastiel and Megstiel. There was barely any toxicity and if there was any toxicity it’s when Destiel shippers go into these tags and do what they do as I’ve already previously discussed.

Generally, for the most part Destiel shippers are women. I mean, I’ve met men who ship Destiel as well but I typically notice the ship more with women. But also generally speaking here, women have more of a connection to wanting to see things like romance in the media they consume so maybe it’s not so much that more women ship Destiel than men, it could simply be because there’s more women that engage in “shipping” in general more than men so it would stand to reason that there would be more women shippers of Destiel because there’s more women engaging in ship culture than men. Again, I’m not saying men don’t ship. Plenty of them do, I just think the ratio leans slightly more heavily on women.

If they do bring back Rachel for season 15, I’d be really interested to see what they do with her. Meg was a total badass character before and there’s no reason she shouldn’t continue to be a total badass now that she’s in a wheelchair. And reasons for why she’s in a wheelchair can easily be explained away. Like say Meg is stuck inside of her current vessel because a spell similar to the one Crowley used on Lucifer so he couldn’t jump out of the Mark P skin was used. And season 15, in general, feels like a season where anything can happen. There’s no doubt in mind there’s a way for the show to write Meg back in. I just hope it won’t be something dumb like a flashback.

#megstiel

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likeanemployee · 5 years

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In Regard to Ozpin: theories thoughts and BS

I’ve been thinking about Ozpin’s role in volume 6 again and quite frankly it’s probably the only true issue I have with this volume. For 3 volumes now we’ve been playing the maybe Ozpin isn’t really the good guy game and while I know some people have bought into that the first and only time his action weren’t at the very least understandable (and I’d go so far as to say completely justifiable) was when he up and disappeared this season.

If I’m honest I don’t think the decision to do that was based at all on character personality but on plot they wanted/needed Ozpin to not be around constantly providing answers. For example the apathy arc. You could probably do something like they did with Maria, with Ozpin if he were around where he forgot/didn’t immediately recognize the signs of the apathy and then they started to effect him too but I for one would have found it less believable. Maria has excuses like old age and that she’s been out of the game by comparison Ozpin should have plenty of knowledge, experience, and lets be honest paranoia to recognize something like that had he been present. A second example is the airship arc while I would be willing to believe Cordovin would have denied them regardless of any sort of input from Ozpin I also feel like he should really have some code words and pre-established plans in case of something like this or at the very least have some kind of contacts he could enlist for aid. If nothing else his presence would have radically altered the “We’re going to do it our way” aspect of the conflict.

Honestly I don’t have a problem with that in of itself sometimes decision are made to enable the telling of a story. It happens and as long as the decision are reasonably believable (and lets be honest there are no hard and fast rules about what is and isn’t possible when it comes to soul sharing) its perfectly fine. My problem is the heavily implied reason why he’s disappeared is that he’s chosen to.

This is a huge problem to me. The entire redeeming aspect of Ozpin, the reason I’m willing to excuse everything he’s done and said (or not said) is he’s still trying. After everything he’s faced and lost and after being betrayed (multiple times apparently) not to mention I’m sure he’s seen plenty of examples of humans being shitty (because we are like way too often) he’s still trying to stop Salem. Still fighting the woman he loved to keep other people alive. He’s willing to continue to face all of that and not give up even when he has been told stopping her is impossible that there is no end game that he’s going to have to go on like this for all eternity. He’s willing to face that challenge that utter impossibility but he runs from the anger and questions of a drunk and a gaggle of children. The only way that makes sense is if he doesn’t believe in his own course of action. If despite the appearance of calm, control and confidence he has put on at almost every turn he’s not sure the lives he’s spent were worth it or that the secrecy was the right way to handle things or that any of what he’s doing is right. It implies an almost ‘making it up as you go’ approach. Where the seemingly well prepared Ozpin who always has another plan always knows what the next step needs to be was really just desperately trying to stay one step ahead of Salem the whole time. That he doesn’t have long term goals or plans just an endless scramble to stop Salem and that calls into question every other decision. See if the secret organization, the lies, the misinformation, the smug assurance that his way is right comes from a long term goal/plan and the calm assessment of a shear quantity of experience no one else could even comprehend then he’s justified. Even if some of those decisions end up being wrong (no one no matter how long they live is perfect) he is still the most qualified person to make such decisions and they had to be made. So if he is making those decisions with anything remotely like the purpose and confidence he shows he’s still the good guy but if he’s in so much doubt he would refuses to face someone challenging those decisions that confidence suddenly becomes unacceptable and damnable arrogance. Suddenly all those decisions made by experience and forethought are made by arrogance and paranoia and Ozpin goes from flawed hero to at best misguided and at worst power hungry villain.

While I’ve done this rant before and so won’t get into it to much I want to mention it because to me the fact Ozpin doesn’t defend himself better and put Salem’s immortality into perspective is the greatest indication he’s much less competent then he appears. I’m just honestly still a little upset that even without Ozpin someone didn’t sit the rest of the group down and go Salem’s immortality doesn’t matter. It changed absolutely nothing about their current situation or goals. Clearly based on the fact they are all alive Ozpin has successfully stopped her from destroying the world for generations. She may not be kill-able she is stoppable or at least preventable and prevention is all huntsmen-ing is prevent the grim from killing and causing destruction. Not stopping the grim not ending the threat of the grim permanently that was no where on the horizon. It wasn’t something any one of them thought they might do. Salem is exactly the same the jobs, the ones they volunteered for, haven’t really changed. and I’m sorry but that should be blindingly obvious if Ozpin can’t make that argument, if he doesn’t whole heartily believe and can’t easily convince the rest of RWBY+ of it he’s not competent enough to hold the positions he has. I can accept shock, outrage and discourage from everything Jinn said there was a lot there and an emotional response is at least understandable probably even expect-able so I can understand why it wouldn’t occur to someone other then Ozpin in the initial moments after Jinn’s reveal but as I said I’m still fairly disappointed we never at any time got any of the characters addressing this it just feels so obvious to me someone should have realized even without Ozpin to put it into perspective and if RWBY+ should have had time to figure this all out Ozpin really should have and the fact that he doesn’t address it at all and instead seems to flee is to me the single greatest indictment of his character by a huge margin.

Now lets discuss some other possible explanations for Ozpin's disappearance. Which might invalidate my complaints. First there’s Oscar. I’d be willing to accept (again there are no set rules for how Ozpin’s reincarnation works) that this whole thing is actually a result of Oscar rejecting Ozpin and making it difficult or even impossible for Ozpin to manifest himself. Oscar has made it clear (and it's perfectly understandable) that he has some misgivings about this whole melding thing. Oscar is also shown to reach out to Ozpin on occasion without success and then Ozpin shows up without prompting at the airship crash which would seem to disprove the theory Ozcar could be suppressing Ozpin but I think there’s a plausible argument saying something like because of soul/magic bs and Ozcar’s subconscious fear/concern he was suppressing Ozpin even in the instances he was reaching out toward Oz and that in the airship he was so consumed by the panic of the moment Ozpin was able reassert himself. While I don't find that as likely as the he's hiding explanation it does solve pretty much all of the problems I have with his disappearance.

A second possible explanation which would at least partially satisfy the issues I have would be that Ozpin had willfully isolated himself but not because he's running from the characters but because he's "seen this before" and recognizes it’ll be best for them and especially Oscar to come to the appropriate conclusions on their own. I’m not sure I believe that it could possibly be best to leave RWBY+ without advice with the fate of the world at stake but it would make a hell of a “I have trust in humanity” moment and going back again to the we don’t know how this soul melding thing really works I’d buy a it was vitally important for Oscar’s soul to synergize with Ozpin’s and for that to happen he need to develop some opinions and characteristic similar to Ozpin’s and that it was best if he developed them without Ozpin’s influence. Actual that aspect might provide the opportunity to justify the melding process a little making a claim that the mere fact Ozpin’s soul attached to Ozcar’s indicates his nature is similar and therefore he was always going to grow up to be like Ozpin to at least some extent but over the years Ozpin has found that allowing the new soul to grow to that similar state without interference simultaneously allows for a smoother melding and the new soul to maintain a better sense of self. Throw in Ozpin decided it was more important to preserve that sense of identity for the previous soul then him being present to help protect the relics and you make the soul melding thing much less morally grey. I don’t know that’s all some pretty strong bs but I think it’s at least mostly believable bs I’m still struggling a little with how letting RWBY+ figure things out for them selves could be for the best and none of it explains why Ozpin disappears when he does but it’s maybe something.

A third explanation which I don’t think completely excuses his disappearance but at least probably brings Ozpin back into the world of flawed hero and not villain is emotional trauma. Ozma has been through some shit and there’s probably never been anyone he could truly fully confide in. Even setting aside his obvious concerns about revealing too much who could ever really understand everything he’s been through. Not to mention his concerns about the present and future this is a man who feels the future of literally the entire world rests in his hands and that feeling is fairly accurate. Plus you know all those fun immortality probably isn’t as great as it sounds concerns that always pop up when you discuss such things and then there’s that moral grey area that is that whole soul melding thing again which he doesn’t seem to have any control over I’ll note. Considering it all it’s somewhat impressive Ozpin is even sane at this point so him having a little mental break down and going into hiding after reliving some of his worst memories, having the only people he thought he could rely on suddenly turning on him oh yeah and having been betrayed by Lionheart someone he seems to have had a history with and trusted implicitly only days before seems fairly reasonable to me. It does bring into question some of that invincible confidence and all the related problems mentioned above which is why I don’t think it completely excuses the disappearance but I think it could be written such that he still comes out with the good guy tag intact. The bigger problem is the calm almost amused way he presents himself during the airship crash and then disappears again. I, at least, can’t find a way to explain that in the context of this theory.

Those are my theories at this point. I’m curious to see how it turns out and would love to hear other people’s theories as well as reasonably phrased questions comments or complaints about mine. Honestly I just really hope this doesn’t turn out to be like the entire season plus of build up to Raven dramatically revealing she can turn into a bird and it’s all devious Oz’s fault you can’t trust him and then Qrow almost immediately brushes it away with oh yeah we agreed to that it was a cool and useful trick btw magic exists which if I’m being fair Yang probably didn’t already know but the audience did due to the maidens so yeah not really much of a reveal.

#rwby #rwby ozpin #rwby ozma #rwby ozcar #rwby volume 6 #theories #rwby theory #rant #rwby jinn

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

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Survey #207

“it’s late, and you’re still staring at the light; to call it an addiction’s impolite.”

Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? Happy being a girl. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? When it's to people who are aware of how behind I am in the adult world in any context, yes. Very. If they know nothing about me, then I don't care. Are you confident enough to reveal your height and weight? Height, I don't care. Weight, fuck no. What do your parents call you? Both usually say "Britt," but Dad's more likely to use terms of endearment like "sweetie" and such. Well, Mom does use "hunny" a lot too. How old were you when you first got to go on the computer? Idr. About the "normal" age for little kids that played Neopets, probably. Would you say you’re an emotional person? Way too emotional. What’s a color that suits you the best? Black. And a color you just can’t pull off/don’t want to? Probably most... I wouldn't know, almost every single thing I wear is black. I have literally one light purple shirt, and I think that's the only non-black shirt I own. Describe yourself when you were 6 years old? Very talkative, extremely imaginative, outgoing, I was definitely weird, tomboyish, very happy... Man, I miss being that kid sometimes. A type of personality you just can't stand? The older and older I get, the more I cannot STAND a closed mind. I like people who accept they're far from always right, and sometimes, your "right" isn't such for someone else, and that is fine. You don't have to see the same way to still get along perfectly (though of course, there's no need to respect an opinion that spits upon, invalidates, or is just plain hateful towards another person/group). Like just as an example 'cuz I feel like I explained that poorly; I'm really not into the idea of polygamy at all, but I'm not against it for people it works with. You do you. Your appearance in one word would be? "Abilify." :^) City type of person or country? I like the live in a more country-ish area, but I found through Chicago I LOVE /visiting/ cities. What’s something you’re obsessed about right now? When am I not obsessed with Mark, meerkats, Silent Hill, opossums (a newer addition), WoW, etc. etc.? My whole life runs on obsessing over something, fren. Your reaction if someone told you you look 10 years older than your age? ZOINKS that would suck ass. Do you really badly want anything right now? For the past couple weeks, I've become more and more antsy to get up to Sara's again. When I land a job, fancyin' up my tattoo just because as I've said again and again it is SO important to me and must be perfect, then I'm saving up to go back up there. What’s something that makes you really stressed out? With all this job searching and such going on, it's like all I can think about, so why not mention what fucked me up at my previous ones: Putting me in a position of responsibility and expected knowledge. Ex., when I was a sales associate and was asked "Oh, do you have this?"/"Where is this?", it was CONSTANT PANIC MODE because I never knew and had to ask somebody, when I was expected to be a knowledgeable employee to the customer, and then comes the horror of feeling like I'm inconveniencing and annoying them. Have any particular standard look you look for in a significant other? I don't have a "standard look," no, but I am more likely to be drawn to a gothic appearance. But I don't actively search for someone that meets that criteria or anything. Do you listen to Wiz Khalifa? No. What are your opinions on marijuana legalization? Please legalize medicinal use already. Recreationally, idk. Do you date outside your own race? I'd have no reservations against it. I dated a Hispanic... less than a day, but still, you get the point that I don't have a problem with it. What are some of your turn-offs? SEXIST/MISOGYNISTIC, too old-fashioned, racist and/or homophobic, raunchy, arrogant/self-centered, lack of sincere interest and enthusiasm in conversation, poor hygiene, I'm gonna get SHIT ON for saying "too slutty," not taking dating seriously... that kinda stuff. I'm so picky. Are you gay, straight, bi, or trans? Bisexual. Are you vegetarian? If not, would you ever consider becoming one? I'm not now, but I hope to return to it after I get to my goal weight... In my few months of vegetarianism, it was proven that my immense pickiness with food was making the diet unhealthy for me, as I was strongly lacking in certain vitamins and such. I'm going to have to somehow overcome that if I want to return to it, which I REALLY do want to do the more and more I get into animal welfare and care. Are you in love? Yes. Are you more of a pessimist or an optimist? Pessimist, I think, out of the two. But I like to see myself as a realist. How much money is in your wallet? Literally just $11 lmao. What’s your favorite sex position? Only experienced in these with a man, so answering with that in mind. I like sitting on his lap, facing him, with my legs around his back. What do you ultimately wish for in life? Happiness and peace. Have you ever been pregnant? No. What do you think about tipping at restaurants? Tip your goddamn waiter/waitress, assholes. I do believe in tipping based on the quality of service, BUT at least give them SOMETHING for working. Do you have your driver’s license? No jkajdsklfaj;wer. I haaaave to practice more. Whenever I'm in the car, I always strongly prefer to listen to my music, controlling it from the passenger's seat, and at least right now, I can't drive with loud music, barely any at all really, so I have a hard time giving up blaring my music while Mom drives lmao. Have you ever passed out from drinking? No. What’s your favorite carnival food? Idk, I don't go nearly enough. Who did you last kiss? Romantically, Sara. Platonically, either my niece or nephew when leaving. Have you seen the final Harry Potter movie? I haven't even see one. Ever been called a slut? No. Would you ever have sex with someone not of your preferred sex? I'm bisexual so like- Would you ever get back together with any of your exes? No. Do you take any meds on a daily basis? Yep. What did you do today? Watched LPs as always; did some job searching; played WoW, way shorter than usual though; took a nap; made a new icon; took a shower; listened to music; did some social media scrolling. The usual stuff. What do you wear to bed at home? A tank top and pj pants. What do you wear to bed when you're somewhere else? The same, but with a bra. Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? No. Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? I'll just talk about the unordinary ones, 'cuz I have a lot. The ones I'd consider "weird" are vomiting, whale sharks, and pregnancy. Vomiting is because it's just incredibly unpleasant, but also because I know what goes down is not supposed to come back up. Like no one likes puking, no shit, but I'm legit afraid of it and lock up on what to do when I feel it coming, like I don't know what to do. Whale sharks... ahaha. It literally came from World of Warcraft. The design of their mouths is fucking horrifying, and I hate hate hate how they sometimes phase in-and-out of the Vashj'ir map so just like pOP UP. NAH, SON. It's just their damn mouths, even though I know their esophagus is far too small to swallow a human. As for pregnancy, just... ew. I'm afraid of parasites, and it's a parasitic relationship. Something should NOT be growing inside of you. What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? I'm very compassionate, especially when it comes to others enduring emotional struggles. I really feel for hurting people. What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? I have strong morals and stick to them. I'll always stand up for what I feel is right. What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? Ah jeez, there's a lot... but probably my anxiety. It's held me back and manipulated my actions since middle school. I struggle not followings its rules, but I'm sure trying. Who do you most admire? Mark, my mom, Sara, Sara's dad, Steve Irwin... man, there's too many great people. Who do you most love? Sara, my mom, and my pets, Teddy especially. What three things do you look for most in a partner? EXPRESSING OF THEIR EMOTIONS/TRULY FEELING!!!!!!!!, compassion, and a cool head. If you could ask God (to atheists - IF there was one) one question, what? Hm. Good question... There's a lot, but mostly little wonders; I feel like I have a decent understanding of the god I personally see, so don't have any magnificent questions. Perhaps regarding why they created our world. That'd be interesting. Rate yourself on these traits from 0 to 10: 0 - do not possess this trait. 10 - you have great amounts of this trait. Calm temper: 7. Charm: *big shrug* Cheerfulness: 3-4. Confidence: 0-3. Courtesy: 8-10. Curiosity: 6-10. Forgiveness: 9-10. Generosity: 8-10. Greed: 0-3. Helpfulness: Well, I like to try to help, but I don't feel I'm very successful at that, so idk. Honesty: 5-9, depending on who I'm talking to and what the subject is, I guess. Loyalty: This is very flexible, and I don't feel like I can put a number on it. It depends on how deserving you are of the trait, and yes, you can lose my loyalty in a heartbeat if you give me reason to take it away. Optimism: 0-4. Patience: This can go from a whopping 0 to a 10, lmao. Very dependent on the situation. Self-sacrifice: 8-9. Wit: -10. Briefly describe your family. Kinda broken. Tight bonds scattered between certain people, no bonds with others. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? The breakup. I wouldn't wish that night upon Satan himself. How did it affect you? We know. Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares? Speaking of that... Jason is in most nightmares I remember. The common theme is it's either after the breakup and we have an awkward running in with each other, or it's long before when everything was "perfect." All things considered, I'd call even that a nightmare. Those fuck with me the most. Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah. Do you have any close friends? I can count those on maybe two fingers. Of what are you most proud? Letting Jason go. Of what are you most ashamed? I've talked about the Joel situation multiple times. What is your religion? Theist. Where do you stand on abortion? Mostly pro-choice. Where do you stand on the death penalty? Sometimes justifiable and one's deserving end. Felons are lucky enough it's done humanely. Where do you stand on wearing fur? If you're not surviving out in the arctic, fuck you and all you stand for. Could you kill somebody? I'm perfectly aware I could in defense situations. For what reason would you kill somebody? Defending myself or loved ones. Hell, probably even strangers. I'd kill a rapist with zero fucking hesitation, even if they were assaulting someone I'd never seen before. Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now? No. Do you trust easily, or not? NOPE. What, if anything, would you sacrifice your life for? Defending peace, gay rights, or if it was to protect most of those I love. What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? Be a successful photographer, reach financial stability, come to a point where I'm actually proud of what I've done, play a roll in wildlife conservation, be happily married, and just overall be content and satisfied with my life. How do you plan to reach them? Working my goddamn ass off and not taking "no" for an answer (not about the marriage part tho lmao). Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? No. Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? I just want a pet family with Sara. What do you see yourself doing next year? Man, I don't have a clue... What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? I don't want to think of that. That's too far ahead. I'll be 43... I've gotta work on too many things now. Would you ever have an affair? I'm very curious as to who would actually answer "yes" to this. Would you ever have a one night stand? No. Lmaoooo actually this is sad as fuck, but I think I've said in a previous survey just knowing myself, if we were both single and clicked, I'd be doomed if it was Markiplier. My morals would sadly go out the window. If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do? That's literally been the story of my life for years now, especially the past two. And it's torture. Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? No. Well, actually, I do want to do wildlife photography, and it can be pretty dangerous. Were you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? No. Do you have any famous relatives? No. Ancestors, yeah, but not close relatives. Are you a loyal member of any organizations? No. What type of criminal would you be? With how forgetful I am, I'm certain I'd be a very clumsy one that gets caught very quickly, lol. What are you listening to right now? "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? Um idk. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling? Someone for a job interview. Do you drink? Rarely and/or for some special occasions. Never enough to get drunk. Do you smoke? No. What is the first thing you notice in someone? I guess posture? How they carry themselves? Do you get attached easily? BOY! DO I!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like your eye color? I wish they were more blue. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance? Definitely not bungee jumping, I know how I react to that kind of up/down movement, and probably not skydiving, either. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Both regularly since middle school. Are looks important in a relationship? Not very. What is your favorite thing to do? Binge a new song I fell in love with for like days lmao. What was the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? PhotoScape. It's easier to move watermarks for photos on there, and I was working on the ones I took a few days back. Do you like to gossip? No, I feel super guilty. What kind of computer do you have? An Acer. Do you know all the words to your national anthem? I think? Have you ever failed a grade? No. Have you ever made the opposite sex cry? Yes. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Nah. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? No. Do you own a designer purse? Hell no. Waste of money for a goddamn purse that's just gonna get dirty and scratched. What’s the weirdest rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself? Jason and I magically had a baby over summer vacation when I was very obviously never pregnant. Do you say the "h" in the word “herb”? No, though I did for a super long time 'cuz I had no idea it was wrong. Do you speak any languages besides English? Not fluently. Can you run in high heels? I wouldn't really know, but boy do I doubt it. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? No. What do you usually order at Subway? Ummm I think white bread, ham, American cheese, bacon, jalapenos, banana peppers, and Chipotle sauce. I think that's it. Did an alarm wake you up this morning? No. How long is your mother’s hair? Past her shoulderblades, near the middle of her back. Is there any particular place you’d like to vacation to next? Surprisingly, I'd love to go somewhere tropical, like Hawaii or some shit like that. Somewhere with clear water and unique, beautiful wildlife and nature. What is your beer of choice, if any? Never tried beer, never want to. The smell is bad enough. That and I associate it with when Dad was an alcoholic. Did you share a bed with anyone last night? No. Well, other than with my cat. Do you know anyone who volunteers regularly? Yes. Have you ever ruined a nice pair of shoes, and how? Maybe, playing in puddles or biking through them and mud as a kid or something. Who were the last friends you went to hang out with? Sara. How many chairs are in the room you’re currently in? None. Have you texted a relative in the past week? Not besides immediate family. Are you doing anything important today? No. If I were to bring you any type of food right now, what would you pick? If I was actually hungry, I have been craving hotdogs on the grill like CRAZY lately. No clue why. When did you move into the house you’re currently living in? April-ish 2017. Do you ever sleep with the light on? No, I can't. Do you pray to Jesus? 20+ years of that did nothing. No. What was the last thing you ordered at Starbucks? N/A Do you have a bonfire pit in your yard? No. Would you consider being homeless if it meant you could travel the world? I don't know; there's lots of factors to consider. Would I be willing to leave my pets (but Teddy, probably; I'd want him with me) with my mom? Would I have something like a camper? Where am I getting this money to travel and provide for myself? Do you know your next-door neighbor? Mom knows one, but I personally don't. What’s something you have never done? Lots of things? As an example, uhhh... I've never done a cartwheel, despite childhood efforts? Name someone you know who is a true risk-taker, adventurer, and free spirit. Do you admire that person? Idk. Do you wish you were more of a free spirit? I think I already am, but it'd be cool to be more of one. Are you allergic to any medications? No. How do you feel when someone says something you’ve experienced doesn’t exist? Tell me depression isn't real, my PTSD isn't genuine, I can "get over" my anxiety if I want to hard enough, stuff like that, and I will not fucking associate with you. These are things that have massively affected my life; I dare someone to tell me these experiences aren't real issues. What worldview do you have? A realistic one, I think. I'm positive in some areas, negative in others. Hm... I'm probably more pessimistic about the world's future, though. Do you have friends who have different religious beliefs than you? Duh? If applicable, who was the first person you “came out” to? Sara. What’s one thing you’d like to do more? Travel. What was your style in high school? Some emo/metalhead hybrid that wished with all her heart to be capable of affording a goth wardrobe and bitch I still do. What’s one thing you are jealous that other people got to do but you didn’t? Have a healthy teenage experience. Have you ever taken birth control pills continuously? I have for years for my cycle. I had just about debilitating cramps and sometimes periods that lasted over a week. Who is your personality twin? Sara is probably the closest. What’s a common name that you hate? Edward, above all. Not a big fan of William, Robert, or Allen, either. Who do you wish you were best friends with? If you don't count my girlfriend as "best friend," maybeeee... Alon still? Or Baylee. I need to talk more to her, she's awesome. Do you own a camera tripod? Yes. Did you ever believe in mermaids? I don't believe so. …in fairies? I believed in the Tooth Fairy. …in Santa? Yes. Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yes. What is your newest hobby? Hm, I don't think I've found a new one for a long while... What gives your life meaning? I don't know. What motivates you to do what you do? The pursuit of happiness. What was the weather like the last time you went out? Too fucking hot. Do you go for walks often? No, though I really want to around a lake at a local, small park. Problems consist of no way to get there myself, it's WAY too fucking hot with my sweating issue, and my knees just wouldn't have it; I know I couldn't walk the full lap around it. Also expect some art installations around the path and probably the gazebo are PokeStops for Pokemon Go and really wish I could play it, so that's bait to do it lmao. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink. What is your favorite type of YouTube video to watch? It really depends on who I'm watching. Favorite on the face of the planet are Mark's ego projects, then my second fave are probably Shane's conspiracy videos, then I love let's plays. Do you need any new clothes right now? I seriously need more pants. And new bras. Do you collect anything? If so, what? Silent Hill merch and meerkat stuff. ^and if not, what would you like to collect? When I can buy shit myself, ya girl is gonna have way too much Markiplier merch. YouTuber stuff in general, actually. Too shy to ask for that kinda stuff now lol. Have you ever experienced a miracle? I don't think so. What was the last thing you ate? A burger. Do you ever eat food that’s intended for kids? ...? Like, baby food? No. Or maybe you mean shit like Lunchables? In cases like that, sometimes? What was the last stupid thing you did? Oh boy, who knows. Do you get embarrassed easily? You. Have. No. Idea. What are your top three names you like for a daughter? Alessandra, then uhhhh... I like Chloe and Adrian. Would you ever film a vlog of yourself giving birth? Hell no. I'd never wanna see it, I'd never want my hypothetical child to have to witness that, etc. Do you like getting caught in the rain? No. Wet clothes are no. Do you think your hair looks best straight, wavy, or curly? Straight, I guess? Though my hair does swoop to the right, so it's kinda a wave? What was the last craft project you completed? Oh, yeesh. I don't do crafts. The closest thing was I guess Sara's Valentine's Day gift for last year? Name 3 YouTubers you would like to meet in person: Markiplier is literally the only one that matters lmao and it's not "would like to meet in person," he will be forced to endure meeting me ok. Meeting Shane Dawson would be amazing, he's such a relatable sweetie, aaaaand #3 would probably be Rhett and/or Link, as similar to Mark, they deserve a tear-filled thanks as well as back-breaking hugs for seriously helping in keeping me alive through my suicidal year. I mean it when I say they genuinely helped me keep going. What color are your nails painted currently? They’re never painted. Do you use a pill box? No. List 3 people you know who were loving and then turned cold: Jason, Jason, and Jason. Have you ever felt threatened for your life? No. Which did you like better: high school or college? My college experience was horrid. High school had great memories, but of course negative ones, too. Which year of your life stands out to you as the most significant so far? 2017. …and why? It was my year of recovery from the breakup. What was the last store you shopped at? I went to Wal-Mart with Mom. I think that was the most recent, anyway. Do you have a favorite pharmacist? No. Do you have a favorite cashier at the grocery store? No. What’s something you discovered recently? I'm a Billie Eilish fan. What makes you more creative? Music. What’s the last magical thing you experienced? YO okay so when my brother and nephew were here, we went to the science museum and into a 360 VR-esque show about astronauts. I got SO nauseous and dizzy, but it was nevertheless extremely cool. What is the theme of your bedroom? It doesn't have a theme. Have you ever lived in a dorm? No. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? Just tonight! I ordered at a drive-thru myself. Would you rather ride a camel or an elephant? An elephant! Do you want to lose weight? You have no fucking idea. Which insects scare you, if any? Lmao most. Especially rhinoceros beetles, big beetles in general honestly, cockroaches, earwigs, centipedes... like a lot okay. I like observing praying mantises, but I would probably have a fucking heart attack if one was on me. Do you think it’s silly to be afraid of a tiny insect? Well, yeah, though I get the likely survival reason, that being we know many are venomous, so we're naturally averse to them, especially if we don't recognize the type. Were you raised religious? Yes. Have you ever been abused? No, thankfully. Is there a coffee shop you like better than Starbucks? N/A If you could afford to get your hair professionally done, what would you get? Man, I have SO many color combination ideas. If I could get it done in the safest manageable way by a pro, I saw this look once with totally bleached/pure white hair that fades to blood-red tips, and BOY would I get that in a heartbeat. If you had a lot of money, do you think you would use it wisely? I hope so. I think so. The only thing I imagine myself being weak with are tattoos. Do you know any rich people who are very irresponsible? I don't think so... List five careers that you’d like to have: Meerkat biologist, paleontologist, artist, poet, something in wildlife conservation/protection. List five far-out things that you’d like to do before you die: Scuba-dive, I'd LIKE to ride a rollercoaster (far-out for me, trust me), but I know I never will, and uh... idk. Riding a motorcycle would be cool, but that's another thing I hiiighly doubt I'll do. What was your first imaginary friend’s name? I never had one. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Chance, a cat my mom rescued. She was our very first family pet. She was absolutely incredible. Do you like to go barefoot? Unless I'm in a house, no. Do you like the same colors now that you did as a kid? Yeah. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah. Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? Oh, who to begin with? Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank or bitch? "Bitch" more than once. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Have you ever slow danced with anyone? With Jason, yeah. And I don't think so, but maybe Sara briefly? Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. What would you do if you were pregnant? I don't have a fucking clue. Do you like cuddling? With someone I love. Have you ever cried in school? Yes, but I think I kept it private. Who’s the last person to send you a message on Facebook? A woman whose wedding I'm shooting this Saturday. Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act? Just making out. Where did you get drunk last? N/A What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? No. How did you do on the last test you took? I haven't been in school for a long time. How come you’re not going out with the person you love? I am.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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