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lonelypep · 8 months

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every smash bros character ranked by how good of a cook i think they’d be.

82: piranha plant

eating this dish will kill you instantly. turns out he spit some poison in there while no one was looking. and yeah, that sucks, but if you even accepted a meal from this guy i think you have bigger problems

81: ridley.

let’s be real, if you let this guy into the kitchen, you made a huge mistake. it’s like john mulaney’s horse in a hospital sketch: you never know what he’s gonna do next. you’re too focused on getting him out.

80: king k rool.

king k rool is many things. a king, a pirate, a scientist. but he is not a cook. he’ll try, but he has literally no clue what he’s even doing in the kitchen.

79: yoshi

yoshi will give you a dish and you’ll be like “what the fuck is this” and he’ll talk about how it was made from the finest newborns of his home planet. i’m deciding to ignore it but it’s really nagging at me.

78: sonic

sonic shouldn’t be on this list. because he wouldn’t make you any food. he’ll go to the local sonic and get a burger in about 3 minutes. it sucks. disqualified.

77: pac man

what can i say. it tastes like literal plastic. i don’t even wanna know how he made it. i’ll give it back to him but the nice thing about pac man is he wouldn’t give a shit.

76: bowser jr.

fuck this guy. he rage quit at making a grilled cheese. now there’s a literal canonball in the stove. now no one else can use it!! this is what happens when you spoil kids.

75: pikachu/pichu

these two are in the same category since they’d make the same thing. they’d get store bought french fries and fry them with lighting outside. it’s consistent, it works, just not really filling. and they don’t know how to make anything else.

74. wario

don’t get me wrong: he knows what he’s doing. he’s the burger king of smash. he’s this low because the burger is the most unhealthy shit you’ll ever have. eating it gave you chronic diarrhea, gastrointestinal issues, and permanently damaged your taste buds. but god fucking damn was it a good burger.

73. hero

he gave you a single piece of bread with butter on it. it’s not bad but…really dude?

72: olimar

he didn’t make you a bad meal, in fact it was one of the best here. but that’s because he didn’t make you something. it was the pikmin and he’s trying to pass it off as his own and the pikmin don’t know because they don’t speak english. 0/10: not fucking cool dude.

71: kazuya

honestly? i don’t trust this guy. i was too intimidated to even ask his name. from what i can gather no one even invited him to the party he just showed up and made a mediocre meal. what’s weird: someone came into the kitchen and claimed this guy killed their whole family. we never saw that guy again. needless to say, kazuya wasn’t invited to the afterparty.

70: link (botw)

don’t get me wrong here, link is a five star chef. he’s just really unsanitary. apparently he cut the meat and vegetables with the same sword he killed calamity ganon with. i don’t wanna taste that guy!! have you seen him?? not to mention he pulled the meal out of his pants. i don’t even know how it fit in there.

69: inkling

she made a pancake and i thought it was good! but i absolutely can’t condone this. inkling left so much fucking weird slime and shit all over my house. and got really competitive when she heard i was getting meals from everyone else. i hope they’re all ok.

68: ROB

it was so processed. the most processed food i’ve ever had in my entire life. it’s not his fault, rob is a great guy. but this tasted like literally nothing.

67: ice climbers

when they told me they were making dessert, i trusted them. but i let someone else taste test first. my best friend was sent to the hospital because of tongue frostbite. didn’t even know that was a thing. i made the ice climbers pay for it (they’re fucking loaded)

66: villager

he made isabelle do it. and she made something great! but i’m not giving this cretin credit for having the money to afford a five star chef. you don’t deserve it because you sold a shit ton of tarantulas villager!!

65: lucario.

dude got really mad and destroyed my kitchen. he’s REALLY lucky he got the burger PERFECTLY cooked.

64: male byleth.

like this dude knows how to cook. he can barely make chicken nuggets. he has to eat in the school cafeteria simply because he never learned how to cook a simple meal. but he’s a really nice guy. total himbo. love him.

63: ryu

i asked this guy what he likes to eat. big mistake. he then went on to say that his training regiment doesn’t condone copious indulgence (his words) and he lives off of nothing but protein shakes. you do you i guess.

62-61: fox/falco

these two went into the kitchen and came out with weird alien food. i didn’t eat it but everyone else seemed to enjoy it

60: greninja

when he first came out i was so excited. he came out with the most finely sliced food i had ever seen in my entire life. but it was soooo watered down. everything tasted like celery. how do you make crab taste like celery?? how??!

59-58: simon/richter

these guys both made the same exact fish recipe, came out at the same time, and proceeded to fight each other. i didn’t get to try any 😭

57-49: every fire emblem character.

genuinely, i can’t tell these guys apart. or their food choices. honestly, my bad. i’m sure they’re good. but where do i even start.

48: sheik

she doesn’t know how to cook. she kidnapped someone else. normally i wouldn’t put someone like that this high but a. i have gender envy b. it’s for the greater good (or so she said)

47: cloud

dude made a great sandwich but he kept screaming random noises while he did. personally, i’m just glad he managed not to destroy the kitchen. that’s a first here.

46: captain falcon

he promised he’d pick up some pizza but got into a car crash on the way there. eventually he got there after the car crash was all sorted out, but got into ANOTHER on the way back. i’m honestly kind of impressed

45: steve

steve could cook an absolutely fucking KILLER meal. he’ll even offer to do it for free. but you shouldn’t let him under any circumstances. he took 13 hours gathering materials and while the wait was, arguably, worth it, i never want to experience it again. (side note: we asked captain falcon to get some pizza while waiting which led to the aforementioned entry)

44: sora

sora doesn’t know how to cook but he’s by far the biggest name at this party. everyone fucking loves him. he’s friends with GOOFY. this dude hangs out with GOOFY. this guys has hung out with GOOFY AND jack sparrow. bad food but i could listen to this guy talk for hours about his story. i’m sure i’ll understand it all.

43-40: pokémon trainer

this guys organization is fucking atrocious. if he can actually get his shit together he’ll cook up some nice vegetarian meals, but that’s a big if.

HONORABLE MENTION: sans mii gunner

sans undertale is a world renowned, famous chef. his recipes are simple, but cooked with such love, care, and finess it turns a simple cheeseburger into a masterpiece. sans undertale would easily top this list. sans mii gunner is not sans undertale. he bought the real sans’ cookbook and thinks he’s some kind of cooking genius. and sure he’s got the recipes but none of the skill to actually make it.

39-38: samus/zero suit samus

hooray! we’re out of bad cook options now. samus is a great cook, but she’s so used to her alien delicacies she doesn’t know how to cook on earth anymore. shame, but i trust her to produce something edible.

37: shulk

he is really good at the grill. unfortunately, he refused to put a shirt on and made everyone a little uncomfy. that being said, he showed me the beach boys and i had never listened to them before. so he gets points.

36-35: pit/dark pit

these guys don’t know how to cook but the flew into the sky and killed some mythical bird for everyone to eat. i couldn’t have any, i’m pescatarian, but everyone else loved it.

34: bayonnetta

she opened a portal to a waffle house and a bunch of demons came flying out. she didn’t make anything, but honestly, absolutely legendary experience that was.

33: duck hunt

you’d think a dog wouldn’t bring anything meaningful. this would be false. that is the freshest duck i’ve ever seen in my entire life. (didn’t eat it: pescatarian)

32: king dedede

he made his legendary homemade mashed potatoes. everyone loved them. so creamy… weirdly perfect. too bad i hate the monarchy. sorry bud.

31: meta knight

meta knight is a great cook and should be higher. but i don’t want him to be. because he’s so fucking pretentious. he sliced all the food in front of everyone and wouldn’t shut up about radiohead. hate this guy.

30-29: daisy/peach

these two put all their private chefs together to make something for everyone. great catering, great food, but they didn’t technically make it. love them.

28: mewtwo

as if mewtwo wouldn’t just read someone’s mind and cook something. but it’s not mewtwo’s food…so…. sorry dude you cheated.

27: dark samus

she really surprised me here. she cooked up the most exquisite alien delicacies i’ve ever tasted in my entire life. should be higher. but unfortunately, i had to get a space parasite removed from my system by regular samus. honestly though… it was worth it.

26: ganon

he was rude to everyone about his cooking skills and wouldn’t stop bragging. asshole am i right? but surprised everyone by grilling his god damn heart out. he’s a bad try hard but like go off i guess.

25: isabelle

she’s trying her absolute fucking best and she deserves the world here. amazing cook, we need to save her from the island.

24: little mac

dude went so hard. brought new york pizza ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK. ok, not literally, but he made a damn good pizza

23: snake

full disclosure: snake doesn’t know how to cook. also no one knows he’s an agent. but he has to cook to blend in so you BEST BELIEVE this man is going to COOK like his life depends on it.

22-20: young link, ness, and lucas

all these guys are incredibly mature for their age. surprised everyone at this party. i had deep and philosophical conversations with all of them about appreciating life. i fucking cried. oh and they made everyone sandwiches, and even took my pescatarianism into account.

19: rosalina

she brought weird space ice cream and i felt my mind expanding as i ate it. love her.

18: mr game and watch

he feels like everyone’s dad! and he’s one of those cooks who cooks in front of everyone. dude flung his meals onto everyone’s plates expertly. love him.

17: joker

originally much lower on this list, joker showed up at my house and attempted to make a grilled cheese and made the worst thing i’ve ever taste. then he said something about gru from despicable me and stood in the corner for an hour. originally i had him towards the bottom but then he doordashed five gigantic burgers, ate all of them in one sitting, and then made me an expensive curry that tasted fantastic. dude went hard.

it was at this point i realized i made a mistake with the numbers. like hell if i’m going to fix the whole thing.

22: zelda

she made some weird food but damn was it pretty to look at! crystals, magic power, i mean good vibes all around here.

21-20: pyra and mythra

i feel like i should put them here since they’re confirmed to be good cooks in the game. but between you and me, i didn’t invite them. i’d consider some entries before this to be better cooks but at this point i’ve been working on this list for 8 hours i do not wanna go back and fix things please i mean this whole list is a joke no one should take this seriously

19: banjo and kazooie

these guys can fucking cook. they’ve been living on their own for a while so it makes sense but it still surprises me. they made a really big stew and even brought free puzzle games.

18: wolf

GRILL MASTER. dude knows what he’s doing on that thing. i’ve never seen better spatula work. holy shit.

17: kirby

kirby came in with some weird blonde hair and made some FANTASTIC ribs (that i didn’t have bc i’m pescatarian). weirdly, gordon ramsey went missing the same day…. i’m sure it means nothing.

16: mario

dude made some absolutely spectacular spaghetti. but he kept talking about how great he is and it really off put some people. kinda weird dude.

15: dr mario. dude brought 50 apples to the potluck. guess he doesn’t wanna see anyone in the office. and he didn’t because we ate them all. take that.

14: min min

she brought some soup dumplings which a lot of people hadn’t had! love her. literally fantastic. she had a whole arm for cooking. that’s what we call efficient.

13: ken

he’s kenough. he is amazing at barbecue. he can cook things with his hands, juggle, also he’s just a fun presence. (i made him make fake meat burgers for me)

12: jigglypuff

she showed up with so many pastries. like so many. not only that, but they were decorative!! she put so much work into that. love her.

11: luigi

he tried to make spaghetti like his brother but a literal fucking meteor slammed into his pot and cracked it. tough luck. then he offered to pay and i refused, but went out and got me some really expensive spaghetti anyways! he’s such a nice guy!! shouldn’t be this high… but i love this guy so much. he’s trying his hardest and i respect that.

10: toon link

toon link didn’t actually make anything. but his mom came and made everyone a salad. and honestly! his mom is some great company. she had so many interesting stories about his childhood. honestly she added so much to the function

9: terry

he is the BARBECUE MASTER!!!! literally what the hell how is he so good! everyone at the party kinda stereotyped him but he’s really really progressive with his views which you wouldn’t think for a big barbecue muscle guy in a baseball cap but everyone loved this guy.

8: mega man

the MASTER CHEF!! literally. he was on master chef. he uses thin round blades to slice vegetables, heats things perfectly, has an instance knowledge of spices, just damn. this guy knows what he’s doing.

7-6: bowser and donkey kong

common misconception: everyone thinks these two would have no idea how to cook. but these are FAMILY GUYS HERE!! they’re providing for absolutely gigantic families, these fuckers know how to make a sandwich and they did. initially they started off making separate sandwiches but they have a really similar recipe and decided to work together. and i really respect that. also turns out peach is just bowser’s kids’ babysitter.

5: palutena.

everyone expected her to show up with some absolutely mystical food. naturally, she showed up with the literal ambrosia of the gods. holy shit. unfortunately, she didn’t put as much effort into it as she could’ve.

4: sephiroth.

ok this guy didn’t really cook anything amazing. but his sheer fucking commitment to the vibe is literally legendary. this man has a long as sword he cut 10 veggies at a time with. he heat them with magic world ending fire. when he was done in the kitchen he surrounded himself with fire and gazed menacingly at me. his sheer commitment to the edge lord aesthetic is truly exemplary.

3: incineroar.

THE GRILLING GOAT!! this man is a grill master. he was prepared to grill ANYTHING. and i mean anything. fish, veggies, meat, fucking grilled cheese. love this guy.

2: wii fit trainer

she made the most well balanced and healthy salad i’ve ever had. and she made it taste extraordinary. she can be a little intense about fitness but i’ve never had a healthier meal in my life. it immediately lowered my extremely high cholesterol.

1. diddy kong

he’s about ten. he made you a pb&j. he had homework to do, but he made you a pb&j. he didn’t have to. he wasn’t asked to. he just wanted to make you a pb&j. he could’ve done anything else but he made you a pb&j. what heartless monster wouldn’t accept it.

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spidernuggets · 28 days

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What about reader was a street kid that somehow ended up under hanks wing, she thinks of hank as a big brother, she ends up going to titans tower with hank and dawn, Jason thinks shes so cool and really likes her but idiot titans jason decides the best way to go about his feelings is to be a bit of a douchebag and to show off, Hank picks up what he's doing and literally lifts him off the ground with one hand and is like leave my sister alone, and then Jason's like oh shit your sister!? Basically just something silly and fun and also I bloody love hank and dawn so I had to include them ♡

Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

"Leave my sister alone, Todd."

Hank was walking through an alley, a shortcut on the way to a fast food place to meet up with Dawn, when he heard something hit the dumpsters. His fists clench, ready to fight whatever may cause harm.

What he didn't expect was a teenage girl with a pipe in her hands.

Without thinking, Hank took a couple steps closer. "Hey, I'm not gonna hurt- OW, what the fuck!" He yelled, grabbing his head that you hit harshly with the pipe.

"Oh, my god, I'm sorry!" You exclaimed, not giving him the chance to finish his sentence, stating that he meant no danger to you. "I thought you were gonna stab me or something!" You jog up to him, supporting him by the shoulders, checking for any blood.

"No, no, my fault. Some big, scary, man stranger walking through an alley in the middle of the night isn't the most safest thing to walk across." He groans. He inseocts you for a few seconds, noticing the dirt and filth all over your clothes, and scratch marks around your face.

"Hey, kid, you live around here? Why are you even out so late?" Hank asks, regaining his posture.

"It's Y/n, firstly, not kid. And restaurants throw out some good food at the end of the day. I was just dumpster diving," you say casually, as if it was the norm. "And, yes and no? I live around here, but.. uhh, no permanent house."

Hank mentally groans. The last thing he wanted was to become like Dick, and taking in "strays" was one of Dick's main attributes. But you didn't have shelter, and you were eating food out of the dumpster.

"Hey, listen, I know I'm still big, scary man stranger, but I'm meeting up with my girlfriend at BatBurgers. How about we get you something to eat that doesn't have the possibility of getting you any diseases?" He offers.

You think for a moment. You had nothing to lose. Sure, this man might actually kidnap you, OR you might get a fresh, hot meal for the first time in a long while.

"Lead the way, mister," you say.

"You can call me Hank, kid," he smiles, walking the rest of the way to the diner.

"Oh, and who's this?" Dawn asks, crouching slightly to meet you at eye level.

"This is Y/n. She'll be joining us," Hank states as he opens the door. "Go on in," he says to you, nodding his head in.

The way you bounced in excitement had Hank smiling. "New friend?" Dawn asks, mirroring his grin.

"You can say so."

Hank and Dawn's talking was half tuned out, stuffing your face with a burger and fries. The couple had no judgement, acknowledging that it could've been a minute since you've eaten properly.

"I'll go to the bathroom," Dawn whispers to Hank as she shuffles out of the booth.

"She's the girlfriend?" You whisper, leaning forward to Hank, who was sat in front of you.

"Yeah, she is. She's Dawn." Hank replies

You nod, taking another bite of the burger. "She's pretty," you claim, voice muffled through the meat and cheese stuffed in your mouth.

"Alright, listen, real talk." Hank begins, gaining your attention. "You obviously weren't listening. So... Me and Dawn were thinking... how about you come stay with us. You clearly need a place to stay, a shower, food. We got what you need."

"Are you guys those Hawk and Dove people?" You ignore his new offer as his eyes widen.

"Wha-" He clears his throat. "No, no, no. We're not." He stammers, looking around the empty diner, seeing if anyone had heard you.

"We're not what?" Dawn asks, returning from the toilet.

"Dawn, tell her we are NOT Hawk and Dove," Hank says through gritted teeth.

Dawn turns to you. "Where'd you get that idea?" She says out of impressed curiosity.

You shrugged, sipping on your cola. "Hank and Dawn. Hawk and Dove. Sounds real similar. Plus he's not great at hiding the fact," you state nonchalantly while pointing at Hank.

"Plus, you guys are offering me a home. Better knowing you guys are superheroes rather than junkies trying to sell me through the black market, right?"

Hank and Dawn share a known look. "Alright, kid. We're only admitting this so you have a place to stay without any second thoughts in regard to your safety." Hank says, pointing back at you.

You shrug once more. "Then I guess I'm staying with you two. A shelter and supes to protect me? Double win," you crack a smile.

So, Hank and Dawn welcomed you into their home and into their lives. Though it was mostly Hank taking the wheel in this newfound relationship. Exceot for clothes shopping. That was Dawn's expertise.

But since you already knew both their secret identities, Hank wanted to train you in combat and stealth, wanting you to be able to protect yourself when you're home alone while the couple was out.

The longer you stayed with Hank, though, the more you saw him as family. As an older brother. And he can't lie, even though he hasn't known you for long, he likes to think of you as a little sister.

"Hey, kid, listen," Hank chimes, walking into the living room and taking a seat next to you on the couch while Dawn is perched on the arm rest beside him. It's almost been a year since you've stayed with Hank and Dawn, and you don't think life could get any better. "Me and Dawn have been thinking-"

"Uh oh, that's never a good sign," you joke with a snarky smirk.

"Hush, anyways. You've been getting so good at your training. We think that you would be a great contribution to... the Titans?" Hank says unsurely, not knowing how you'd react. "I called up Dick, telling him that we got a badass girl under our wing. Asked him to give you a shot. What do you think?"

After a few seconds of disbelief and processing, you spring up from the couch. "HOLY SHIT!" You exclaim. "A slot in the Titans, are you serious?!" A wide grin stretches along your face, hurting your cheeks.

"You can even get your own room there so you're never alone when me and Hank are out," Dawn smiles.

You pause. "But I like staying with the two of you."

Your little confession makes the couple's heart melt.

"Sis, we're still gonna be there with you around the tower. It's just gonna be a different change of scenery," Hank assures.

You take a breath. "So, when do we go?"

Upon arrival, you're close behind Hank, lightly grabbing onto his shirt while he leads the way. "What if they think I'm lame?" You ask nervously.

Hank laughs and looks down behind him. "They won't. Everyone's nice. Well.. except for that asshole, Jason."

"Hank," Dawn calls out, giving him a look that tells him to drop the attitude.

Before you can ask more about this apparent asshole, the elevator doors open, and you hide directly behind Hank's large frame. Everyone was already waiting for your arrival.

"Guy, this is Y/n- Y/n, would you get-" Hank grabs your shoulder, pushing you in front of him.

"Hi.." You queitly say while awkwardly waving towards the group.

"Hey, I'm Jason," a boy with loose and wild curls with a grin comes walking out to you, holding his hand out.

You completely forget about Hank's previous statement, already enchanted by the boy while shaking his hand.

"Nope." Hank says, lightly pushing Jason's shoulder, backing him away from you.

"Aw, come on, Hank, you know I'm not so bad." Jason smiles, feigning innocence.

Hank pushes you, determined for you to meet the rest of the group who isn't Jason.

Dick and Hank show you to your new room. While Dick returns to the others, Hank helps you unpack your little belongings.

Suddenly, you couldn't help but go up to Hank and give him a tight hug, taking him by surprise.

"Wow, okay, what's this, kid?" Hank says, an arm around your shoulders and hand protectively placed on your head.

"Just a thanks. For everything. You and Dawn did a lot for me. You're a great brother," you admit. Hank smiles, rubbing your back, telling you it's not a big deal.

Dick leads you to the training room, where Gar, Rachel,and Jason were already at. The three of them were sparring blindfolded, which shook you a lot, knowing that you were probably nowhere near that level of training yet. Sure, Hank has taught you the importance of losing senses while fighting and taught you how to fight without those senses, but still. When you see others doing it, you begin to rethink your training.

But Jason caught your eye once more. He seemed so flawless at this. Like he was born,with that kind of talent and skill.

"Alright, guys, wrap it up," Dick says.

"Aw, man, I was just about to beat these two losers!" Jason says, immediately shutting up after he sees you once he takes his blindfold off.

Gar lightly hits Jason with his wooden sword playfully while Jason just smiles.

"Gar," Dick calls out. "Spar with Y/n for a bit. We need to see what we're working with."

"Why can't I train with her?" Jason asks, a little annoyed as he wanted to get to know you better.

"Because Dick knows you'll cry about it if she beats you," Rachel mutters, Jason flipping her off.

"Gar knows when to hold back, Jason. Sit down," Hanks says, crossing his arms. "Let them do it blindfolded," he suggests as you and Dick look at him with furrowed eyebrows.

You chuckle awkwardly. "Aha.. no, no. No, no. That's not necessary. I will suck ass if I-"

"Blindfolded," Hank interrupts. He knows that you're underestimating yourself and that you're more capable than you realise.

"Blindfolded it is," Dick mutters, handing you a blindfold.

You take a breath, you and Gar getting into a stance, preparing yourselves. There were no weapons for this. Which is fine by you. You were always good at talking with your fists.

"Go!" Dick yells.

Gar charged forward, ready to attack. But you stayed where you were.

Listen, then go. You thought to yourself. With every step, every breath, every breeze that moved with his body, you can hear Gar's movement. Just as he was about to go in for a punch, you block him. You grab his arm, twisted it, then threw him over your shoulder.

Gar groaned on the floor, removing his blindfold. You removed yours slowly, staring at the green hair boy below you.

You turn to the others who were surprised at the sudden turn, except Hank, who had a cocky grin on his face. "Did... I do it right?" You quietly ask.

A small smile slowly formed across Dick's face. "Welcome to the Titans."

Dick had to pull Hank out of the training room, telling him that you're in good hands with the other three. But Hank didn't trust Jason. So Dick promised they'll just be in the other room. If things go south, he'll be quick to come to your safety.

"So, you wanna train with me?" Jason immediately asks you once Hank leaves the room. Gar and Rachel give each other a look, knowing that Jason is already down bad for you.

You take a step back, feeling a tad bit intimidated, especially after seeing how skilled he was. "I.. I don't know. I think you're too advanced for me."

Saying that this made Jason's ego sky rocket is an understatement.

"Ah, come on, babe. I'll go easy, trust me. I'll even teach ya how to improve," he offers, his hands resting on his hips.

Your face slightly flushed at the sudden nickname. You cleared your throat. "Yeah, okay."

Jason stretches his arms out, pointing to his chest. "Alright, go on, take a jab at me."

Going in for the punch, Jason steps to the side, avoiding the strike, grabbing your arm, pinning you to the ground, and holding your arm behind your back.

"Alright, alright. So you actually need to- hey, what the fuck! Put me down!" Just as Jason explains where you went wrong, his feet were dangling a few centimetres off the ground.

"Leave my sister alone, Todd," Hank growls, holding Jason in the air by his collar.

"Hank!" You yell, sitting up.

"Shit, that's your sister?" Jason asks, looking back and forth from you and Hank while Rachel takes her phone out to take a pic of the moment. "She single?" He boldly asks while your face heats up as he sends you a wink.

Hank was about to waste no time punching Jason in the face, when Dick walks in, telling him to put Jason down. It takes Hank a few moments and a couple of glares to comply.

"Stay away from her," he threatens one last time before taling you by the arm, pulling you out of the room.

But that was a before you sent Jason a smile and a wave goodbye, and he returned the smile and a nod of his head.

The two of you know that Jason is definitely not going to leave you alone during your stay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

soz, anon, there's less jason interaction than i anticipated 💔💔 still, hope you enjoy it 🥳🥳

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amaiyajiki · 1 year

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Soukoku X reader Dating Headcannons

A/N:I am not dead- so don’t worry- I was just having a major writer’s block- This is only FLUFF. idk if theres any warnings except dazai being dazai ig- (this takes place after dazai left and joined agency),gn reader.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

~Definitely a chaotic mess, but they’re your mess and you love them:) Idk how yall meet but Ima just assume you’re a civilian that somehow caught their eyes.

~Both of them would be clingy towards you but they will show their clingy-ness towards you in different ways.Dazai would be openly clingy with you, touching you in some sort of way.Hugs,kisses,cuddles anything you want:)

~Chuuya would be secretive about it. Like giving you gifts, with secret admirer written on top of them (you know exactly who’s it from).He cares about you so he will tell you to care of yourself. Taking breaks,giving you messages,etc.

~ Charcuterie and wine dates! yall would get drunk on the wines chuuya bought for both you and dazai. They would feed you and fight over on who gets to feed and you and who would get the last piece of meat or smth.

~(heres a pov):

“OI! you bastard! You fed them last time! let me fed them!.” Chuuya said. “Too bad, you’re always so slow into feeding them,shortie.” Dazai spat back. **inserts a bunch of insults towards each other**

You: **just eating the meat and cheese ** this is good drama :)

(I am so sorry if you’re lactose-intolerant-)

~Dazai wouldn’t really be secretive about your guy’s relationship, but if you wanted it to keep it a secret,he would respect it. Chuuya would most likely be the one to keep the relationship a secret bc of the port mafia. Chuuya would like to give you guys affective in private while Dazai doesn’t really care.

~They would both spoil tf out of you. Dazai would spoil you with affections and Chuuya would spoil you with his money. I feel like once in a while, the three of you would go to the shopping mall and buy shit with his money. He’s more generous with you but with Dazai,hes a bit more cautious with him since Dazai would literally spend all of Chuuya’s money.

~Honestly, Dazai would probably show up at your work place and start flirting with you bc why not:) Chuuya would also show up but only at night time, he would pick you up with motorcycle bc hes protective of you. “You could get kidnap for fuck’s sake! and its not safe to go home alone this late at night.” (His words not mine-)

~They would fight for your attention, like 2 boys fighting for their teacher’s attention. Dw just reassure them that you like both of them equally. Cuddles with them would be amazing, you would be in the middle either holding Dazai and Chuuya holding you or Dazai holding you and you holding Chuuya. ~Dazai would always ask all of you for a triple suicide as joke. I feel like he would mostly do it with you like “Why don’t we all just commit a triple suicide! It’s way better than double! :D” “Dazai- I swear to god if you say it again, I will punch you across the-”

~Dazai would sometimes feel- well- insecure is the right way to put it.Dazai would definitely have his downs and you and Chuuya will try your best to comfort him:D (don’t think that they won’t do the same for you or each other.)

~If you got injured somehow, be it minor or major, These two will act like its the end of the world, (mostly Chuuya). If someone caused you that injury,don’t forget that the people you’re dating were/is part of the port mafia.

(I hope all of you enjoyed these headcannons! Make sure to drink water and eat food!) Edit:Shouts out to my bestie for helping me getting rid of my writers block!:D She said to me that Chuuya gives her Italian man vibes and now I can’t get that shit out of my head’-’ *wheezes*

#Dazai x reader #Chuuya x reader #bsd x reader #Dazai Osamu #Chuuya Nakahara #bungou stray dogs #soukoku x reader

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kwanisms · 1 year

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Kinkuary 21 Mingi — window/balcony sex // exhibitionism

➥ big d!ck!Mingi × smaller!Reader (not tiny, just smaller than Mingi) summary: Mingi & Y/N have always shared an exhibitionism kink so when they move into their new apartment, they decide to take the balcony for a spin. wc: 3.1k warnings: afab reader, adult dialogue, established relationship, mention of alcohol consumption but not by the reader or Mingi, sexual content (minors dni!): oral (f receiving, m receiving), fingering, monster cock Mingi (cause why not), unprotected sex (be responsible), balcony sex (Mingi bends the reader over the railing), exhibitionism (they both get off on the idea that one of their neighbors could be watching), use of pet names (baby, babe, etc), dirty talk, and I think that's everything. Let me know if I missed something! Permanent taglist: @yoonguurt @candidupped @dejavernon Kinkuary full taglist: @baldi-2 @wonderfulshinee @lacie220900 @sup-dallyboy @drunk-on-dk @violagoth @mixling-blog @kosmoreads @yourfavoritefreakyhan Ateez taglist: @2hodefender @babyhailey819 @foxylilbitch @rdiamond2727 @indigo35 @sanjoongie @moonlightsora @hwarmony @kangfication @beomgyusbabygirl Strikethrough means I cannot tag you. MINORS WLL BE BLACKLISTED & BLOCKED. join the taglist!

a/n: Mingi is a big strong man and uses that to his advantage to pin the reader against whatever surfaces he can during sex or in this case, over the railing. Thank you for reading and as always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only. banner made by me. I do not allow reposts or translations of my works. All my works are ©️ kwanisms.

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"And that's the last one!" Yunho said loudly as he walked into the apartment carrying the final box. You turned to look at him, checking the label of the box and crossing it off your list.

"Perfect!" You beamed. "We got all the boxes!"

You set your phone on the kitchen island and looked over at your boyfriend who was currently busying himself with his phone.

"Where do you want this, boss?" Yunho asked, drawing your attention away from Mingi, the box still in his hands. "Put it in the den," you answered, turning away as Yunho nodded and moved to enter the den to deposit the box.

"Y/N," San called from the floor, making you peer over the kitchen island at him. He was holding a screwdriver in each hand. "Does this mean we get pizza now?" he asked excitedly.

A smile spread across your face as you nodded. "Yes, I'll order it now," you answered, grabbing the pad of paper and a pen from your purse which sat next to your phone on the counter.

"What does everyone want?"

"Pepperoni!" "Extra cheese!" "I want veggies and meat!" "Ooh, can we get some cheese sticks?" "What about the beer?" "Don't forget the extra cheese!" "Just meat please. I don't want veggies."

As 8 voices fought to tell you what they wanted, you worked to compromise and finally worked out an order of four large pizzas, two orders of cheese sticks, four 2-liters of soda, lots of plates, napkins, cups, and other utensils and finally, a small gluten free pizza for yourself.

The guys then played rock-paper-scissors to determine who would go get the beer and unfortunately Mingi and Yunho lost. Yunho grabbed his car keys as Mingi came over to press a quick kiss to your forehead, muttering he'd be right back.

After calling and placing the order, you started to help unpack the boxes Seonghwa had brought to the kitchen. He opened and unwrapped while you put things away, having already agreed with Mingi where things would go and even making small labels to go inside the cabinets and drawers.

When Mingi first announced to the group he was moving out of the dorms and into an apartment with you, they immediately jumped at the chance to help him move not only his stuff, but yours as well. You'd made sure to pack everything up nicely, labeling all the boxes and making a list so nothing was forgotten.

They moved better than any moving company and even better, they only asked to be paid in food and beer which you were only happy to do. It was every day you had 8 strong guys to help you move. You were eternally grateful for Jongho, San, and Yeosang especially.

You chatted with Seonghwa as you worked, emptying the boxes as you went and filling your cabinets and drawers with your flatware, cookware, and other kitchen gadgets.

San and Wooyoung groaned in exhaustion, having finally finished putting the coffee table together after three separate attempts to do so. "I'm never putting furniture together with you again," San whined as he pushed himself up, gathering the tools and putting them back in the toolbox.

"Me? What did I do?" Wooyoung squeaked, still lying on the floor on hid back. "You put the legs on upside down, twice!" San quipped back. You shook your head, amused by their bickering as you resumed working. Hongjoong exited the bedroom to let you know he and Yeosang had finished putting your new bed together.

"Jongho's finishing the dressers now," he added, leaning on the counter as he rested. You opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, handing it to him. Hongjoong thanked you, opening the bottle and taking a sip. "Give these to Yeo and Bear," you said, handing him two more bottles. San dashed over to the counter as Hongjoong headed back into the bedroom.

You grabbed two more bottles of water from the refrigerator and turned back to San, handing him both. He thanked you with a grin and turned to toss the bottle (more like throwing with full force) to Wooyoung, hitting him in the chest.

Wooyoung started to whine but the front door opened, Yunho and Mingi returning with not only beer but several bottles of soju as well.

Seonghwa broke down the now empty boxes as you moved to take a few bags from your boyfriend. "Do you plan on getting everyone drunk?" you asked jokingly. "Some of this is for the apartment," he admitted, kicking his shoes off and following you into the kitchen.

Yunho set the two cases of beer on the counter and was whining about his shoulders when the doorbell rang. Mingi moved to answer it to find the delivery guy had arrived. Yunho stopped complaining immediately and rushed to his best friend's side to take the pizzas.

"Oh, I'm here," you called out, rushing to the door to pay but Mingi beat you to it, taking the soda from the delivery guy and handing over his card. You pouted up at your boyfriend who merely smiled and handed you the 2-liters.

Mingi signed the slip and thanked the delivery guy as he put his card back in his wallet and shut the door. You opened the bag with all the plates and napkins, pulling everything out and setting it up nicely while Yunho placed the boxes of pizza side by side.

"Alright, you heathens," Mingi yelled, calling mostly to the bedroom where Hongjoong, Yeosang, and Jongho were.

"Pizza's here!"

After sitting and standing around the kitchen island, eating pizza and cheese sticks, downing most of the soda and beer while absolutely obliterating the pizza, Mingi finally kicked the guys out.

It was almost midnight and you still needed to sleep before work in the morning. Of course, working from home had its perks but you still had to get up at a reasonable time.

Mingi shut the door behind San and Wooyoung as they exited after waving everyone off. With a heavy sigh, he turned to look at you, standing in the kitchen and cleaning up the mess left behind, mess being the stacked used paper plates, napkins, and cups.

You tossed everything away and started to consolidate any leftover pizza into one box as Mingi moved to stand behind you, his arms wrapping around your shoulders as he rested his chin on your shoulder. "Alone at last," he whispered.

You should have known he had an ulterior motive for kicking the guys out as he waited patiently for you to finish what you were doing, although his hands roamed, first from your shoulders, down to your hips, pulling you roughly against him as his lips left kisses along your neck.

You managed to put away the leftover pizza, soda, and beer despite your 180 centimeter tall boyfriend clinging to you like a baby koala clinging to its mother. "Are you done?" he asked, lips brushing against the shell of your ear. You hummed in response, nodding.

Mingi used his body to push yours against the counter, grinding his now obvious hard cock into your ass. "Good, cause I can't wait anymore," he growled.

You let out a groan, your body responding to him as he continued to grind against you, hands grabbing every bit of your body he could reach. One hand snuck under the hem of your shirt, moving up to grab your tit over your bralette while the other wrapped around your throat as his lips attacked your neck once more.

"This place is ours," you heard him mutter, lips ghosting over your skin. "No one else lives here. We can do whatever we want," he continued, nipping at your skin as he spoke. You felt him press his erection against your ass again, making you moan loudly.

"We can fuck whenever we want," he grunted, rutting against you again. "Wherever we want." You whined as his hips continued to move, rocking against your ass. "Mingi," you gasped, your hands moving to grab onto his forearm as he held your throat firmly.

"Yes, baby?" he whispered, rolling his hips slowly, making you feel all of him. "What is it?"

"Please," you whimpered, hands tightening around his forearm, feeling the hand under your shirt slide down, sneaking past your pants and panties, moving dangerously close to your center.

"Please what?" Mingi asked, his hand pressing against your groin. "Use your words baby, tell me what you want." You felt his lip brush against your ear. "Tell me what you want me to do."

"I want you to fuck me, Mingi."

Your boyfriend let out an animalistic growl, pulling away just enough to spin you around and take your lips in a fierce kiss, forcing his tongue into your mouth. The kiss was messy, wet, and loud but you couldn't be bothered to care when Mingi was kissing you like he'd never get to do so again.

You let out a cry of shock as his hands grabbed under your thighs and lifted you, depositing you onto the kitchen island. He was quick to undo and remove your pants, taking your panties along with your jeans where he left them on the kitchen floor with your shirt that came off next. You ripped off your bralette and suddenly were completely bare before your boyfriend.

He leaned in, kissing you passionately as one hand moved back to your tit, squeezing and kneading it slowly. Mingis lips left yours, trailing down your neck to your chest where he peppered kisses between your breasts. You giggled but it was short lived as his tongue dragged over your pert nipple, taking it into his mouth.

Your fingers tangled in his hair as you used your free hand to brace yourself on the cold granite countertop. You'd have to remember to thoroughly disinfect the counter tomorrow.

You felt Mingi's teeth gently graze the sensitive skin of your areola, making you whimper, hips rolling to find some sort of friction but you were met with only air.

Mingi pulled away and gently blew on your nipple, making you whine and the skin around it to pebble before giving the same treatment to the other one, teasing it with his tongue and blowing cool air over the wet bud.

Your chest heaved with your labored breathing as Mingi's lips left a trail of wet kisses down your chest, past your stomach as he slowly pushed you onto the counter, the cool granite meeting your hot skin.

Mingi scooted your body back and leaned over, kissing down your stomach again until his lips met your sex, giving the slick skin a single lick and groaning in response. "Fuck you taste so good," he grunted, pushing your legs further apart and diving in.

His tongue licked up your slit, finding your clit and swirling around the nub. Your back arched off the counter as your boyfriend ate you out like he didn't just stuff his stomach with pizza and beer an hour ago. The lewd sounds of his tongue against your wet pussy sent heat to your cheeks.

Moans and whimpers of his name left your lips as he kissed, licked, and suckled your clit, stimulating it as you felt two fingers toy with your entrance. "Mingi," you gasped as he dipped his fingers into your wet cunt, gliding past both knuckles.

"You sound so pretty when you say my name like that," he murmured, lips and chin covered in your essence but he couldn't be bothered to care as he set a steady pace, pumping his fingers in time with the flicks against your clit with his tongue.

You felt him curl his fingers inside you, pressing against your g-spot with ease thanks to his large hands and long fingers. The combined effort sent your body reeling towards your climax, cumming with a whine as your thighs closed around your boyfriend's head.

His tongue and fingers didn't stop, coaxing you through your high and dragging another one quickly out of you, leaving you a panting and twitching mess. You moaned out, feeling him scissor his fingers inside you. "Mingi," you whispered hoarsely.

"Yes baby?" he answered, continuing to stretch your entrance so you'd be ready to take his entire length. "Balcony," you replied, licking your lips. "Fuck me on the balcony."

Mingi moaned at your suggestion, leaning over to kiss you as his fingers continued their movements inside you. "You want the neighbors to see us? Want them to know that I'm the one fucking this tight little pussy?" he growled.

You nodded, whimpering pathetically as your boyfriend's fingers pistoned in and out of you, fucking your cunt but not as well as his cock always did. "Please. Let them see."

You cried out as he pulled his fingers from your core quickly and stripped himself of his shirt, pulling you off the counter and leading you over to the sliding glass door, opening it with ease and pushing you out onto the balcony.

The view from your apartment was incredible, the city lights sparkling like stars, headlights from the street below looking like tiny pin pricks of light. You turned to your boyfriend, pulling him into a desperate kiss as you both fumbled with his jeans.

Finally getting the button and zipper undone, you pushed the material down along with his underwear as you lowered yourself to your knees, wrapping your fingers around the base of his cock.

"Fuck, babe, you don't have to- ngh!" Mingi moaned as you took the head of his cock into your mouth, tongue swirling around the tip and sucking before taking more of him past your lips.

"Shit," he cursed, one hand grabbing the railing, the other gripping your hair as your head bobbed, taking as much of his cock as you could. "Just like that, baby. Fuck you're so good," Mingi rasped, his grip on your hair tightening as he started to guide your movements.

"Fuck, yeah. Just like that baby. Keep doing that."

You hummed, the sound vibrating around his cock and he bucked his hips, the tip of his cock hitting the back of your throat with a lewd wet noise. You didn't let that stop you, keeping a firm hold on the base of his cock with one hand, you reached up with the other to cup his balls, something you knew he loved.

"Shit, Y/N," he gasped. "You're gonna make me cum if you keep doing that." You moaned, bobbing your head as you sucked him off, ignoring the saliva that ran down your chin. You knew your face was probably a mess but you couldn't be bothered to care.

"Holy shit, come here," Mingi groaned, pulling your head back and then to your feet, he wiped your chin and pulled you in for a sloppy kiss before turning you to face the railing and bending you over it.

"God I'm gonna fucking ruin you," he growled, taking his cock coated in your spit and pushing the tip past your folds, sliding into your cunt easily. You let out a loud, long moan as he slid in, bottoming out with his hips pressed flush against your ass.

"Gonna fucking wreck this pussy."

"Mingi," you whimpered, drawing out the last syllable of his name. "Please fuck me."

He didn't need to be told twice, taking your hips in his hands and pulling back almost fully before snapping his hips forward, burying his cock in your throbbing hole. You could feel the tip of his cock hit your cervix, no doubt a small bulge forming.

"Ohhhh fuuuuck!" You cried out as he set a fast, unrelenting pace, his hips slapping against your ass as he thrust into you.

Mingi marveled at the way your ass bounced against his hips, his cock reaching deep into your body as he pounded you against the railing. "Fuck. Feels so good!" he groaned, one hand grabbing your shoulder as his hips continued their assault.

"Ahh! Mingi! Feels s-so deep. Inside m-me!" you moaned. "You like it when I fuck you like this?" Mingi growled, slamming into you, his grip on your hip and shoulder tightening as your walls clenched around his cock. "Like it when I fuck you where everyone can see?"

You nodded, whimpering with each drag of his cock against your insides. "Fuck me. Harder," you moaned, ignoring the small bead of saliva rolling down your chin. It wasn't the first time he'd fucked you so hard you'd drooled and it wouldn't be the last.

"Make me scream, Mingi."

Mingi's hips stuttered for a moment but he was back on top of it a second later, pulling you back to meet his thrusts, enjoying the whiny moans you let out with each thrust. He loved hearing you unrestricted. He loved how loud you got and knowing it was all because of him made his heart swell with pride.

The neighbors hearing how good he gave it to you was a bonus.

"You're gonna wake everyone up, babe," Mingi hissed but made no effort to cover your mouth or muffle your moans. He wanted his neighbors to know he fucked his girl so good. He wanted everyone to know how only he could make you scream.

As if that was his goal, he grabbed your waist, increasing speed and strength as he railed you (no pun intended). Your whiny moans turned into loud cries as he drove his length into you. The loud sounds of his skin hitting yours and the wet sounds of his cock entering your cunt over and over were drowned out by your screams, walls squeezing him as you finally came.

Mingi plowed into you, thrusting once, twice, thrice more before he finally came explosively, his hot load painting your walls and spilling out of your pussy around his shaft, rolling down the inside of your thighs and dropping onto the balcony.

You always joked that Mingi had horse sized loads and this time, it really felt like it. "Shit," he cursed, glancing down to see his cum spilling onto the balcony and rolling down your skin. "I didn't think I'd cum this much," he murmured. "You okay, baby?" he asked, pressing a soft kiss to your shoulder.

You nodded in response. "'M okay," you answered weakly, thighs threatening to give out any second. "I'll clean this up tomorrow," Mingi said, wincing as he pulled out of you and watching more of his load falling to the floor. "God there's so much of it," he whispered. "I don't think I've ever cum this much before."

You stood up shakily, smiling as you felt Mingi support your body with his hands. "You know what they say," you replied, chuckling as your boyfriend shook his head. "No, what do they say?"

"Horse sized load for a horse sized cock."

#ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez fanfiction #ateez fanfic #ateez smut #ateez x reader #mingi scenarios #mingi imagines #mingi fanfiction #mingi fanfic #mingi smut #mingi x reader #kwanisms kinkuary 23

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ignoremyworld · 3 months

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Remember me?

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Eddie is a metal star living in New York and needed a bite to eat. It doesn’t get awkward until he runs into his past

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The streets of New York City were busy. Even at night. Of course the thousands of people taking pictures weren’t helping.

Eddie had just gotten done with his gig at Webster hall and decided to take a late night walk to get fresh air after being stuck, sweaty and gross on a stage for three hours. He was still wearing his outfit from the show, a pair of baggy cargo pants with his bandana tucked into his back pocket and his cuffs hanging off one of his belt loops, a cropped re designed version of the hellfire logo, a fishnet shirt under that and his hair up in a bun to get the sweat off his neck.

Even if the streets were busy he didn’t mind. Walking past shop after shop he’d look through the windows to see what kind of stuff they were selling. A sports memorabilia store selling sport cards and merch like hats and jerseys. A little yarn shop filled with different textures and colors. A subway shop that he desperately wanted to stop into and he would if he hadn’t forgotten his wallet.

Staring through the subway window he saw the cashier making their customer the desired sandwich. He watched as he, somewhat, skillfully put the cheese and meat onto the bread, taking some bacon and putting it in their weird microwave. Eddie’s stomach growled and as it did he remembered about Apple Pay. He had about $73 dollars left on there so he walked in and hoped they took tap.

Waiting in line he heard the door ring signaling someone had entered. Hearing their footsteps stomp behind him and a sharp breath was taken. As the line slowly moved forward, Eddie could hear the aforementioned guy behind him put his phone up to his ear as the ringing became muffled.

He heard the guy start to whisper to the recipient on the phone, curious but not enough to eavesdrop on their conversation. The few people in front of him had came and left and it was soon his turn. He wrapped up his order with a foot long, a cookie, chips and a drink. The took his phone out and got Apple Pay ready when the man that was behind him, now next to him, spoke.

“I’ll pay for it man” a deep voice had spoken up beside him.

The sound of gravelly morning voice made Eddie jolt. Taking him back to Hawkins. Laying in bed with…

“Steve” he said softly, his heart beating ten times faster than it was.

He turned his head to meet Steve’s eyes. Still brown like firewood after the flames have been put out. His hair had changed. What was once tall and fluffy, helped by Farrah fawcet spray, was now laying beside his cheeks with the tips dyed blue. He had gotten more freckles since the last time he saw him.

The last time Eddie had seen anyone really. He had left in the middle of the night to go with his band mates to start his dream job. No one knew he was gonna leave, he knew they’d make a big fuss about it and a part of him couldn’t stand the look that would have been on Steve’s face when he said he’d be leaving.

The cashier broke the long silence between them “so, which one of you is going to pay? There’s a line forming”

Steve walked up to the register and handed the man his card, not taking his eyes off Eddie.

“Been a bit hasn’t it” Steve said. Finally tearing his eyes away from Eddie to look literally anywhere else.

“Yeah. A bit” Eddie replied, a wave of guilt washing over him

“Seven years is a long time” Steve whispered, taking his card back from the cashier “and you never called” he said before walking out.

Eddie chased after him and caught his arm. Pulling him back

“I wanted to call! I really did but I knew you’d be mad at me. Just like you are now! I’m so so sorry Stevie.” He said feeling tears well in his eyes.

“Don’t call me that” Steve snapped “you lost that privilege when you left and didn’t say anything. Not even a note Eddie! You have no clue how hurt and worried I was about you. It wasn’t until rob had said she saw you on television that I knew you had left us. That you had left me” tears had started to slip from Steve’s eyes and Eddie desperately wanted to place his hand on steves cheek like he used to and kiss them away.

“I know stevi- Steve. I know. And I’m so incredibly sorry. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you.” Eddie had sighed and let go of Steve’s arm “but unless you let me, there’s no way I can fix what I did”

There was a silence. The sound of cars rushing by was the only thing that was heard between the two.

Steve broke the silence and said “you can start by coming home with me”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

WELL that took such a long time. I want to start making longer stories and maybe continuous parts. Should I make a second part

And please any advice on writing or tips are appreciated as I’m still new to this.

Hope you liked it!

#eddie munson #eddie stranger things #steddie #stranger things #eddie #steve harrington #steve stranger things #stevexeddie #modern stranger things #rockstar eddie munson #rockstar Eddie #remember me?#Steve #part two?

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blarefordaglare · 6 months

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this post used to be linked universe memes but because I don’t know where I got it from and want to give credit from now on instead I’ll just put a cr*cliff I made

TW: None, unless tying people to chairs is considered a crime?

“I’m not cooking tonight.” The familiar voice of the champion rang through the camp, “I swear if I cook fish one more night in a row I will turn into a cod.”

Normally, a refusal to cook, from the designated cook, would send alarm bells through the chain. But he had a point. This would mark the 17th night they ate fish (Yay, thanks Wind), and honestly, everyone was getting sick of it, even the sailor himself.

“Ho-Kay then, so what are we going to eat?”

“Have you guys been to a restaurant before?”

…

This is when chaos ensues.

“Okay, so you are a party of nine?” A waitress stood in front of the chain. 9 heroes, in probably the worst attire to wear for a fancy restaurant, standing right before her.

Time quickly stepped in, “Yes, nine. Five adults and four children.” That earned him a very aggressive poke on the shoulder.

“Old man, I’m over one hundred years old, I think a hundred and seventeen is over eighteen years of age.”

“Oh hush you, this bill is already gonna be expensive, plus judging by how you literally ATE a rock the other day, I think we can subtract a century.”

“Just shut up you both. I am famished.” The pink haired boy let out a dramatic sigh. He just wanted his food.

“Drama Queen.”

All settled around a booth, at the ripe time of 19:17, the boys and men were ready to eat most definitely.

“Sailor, don’t fill up on bread.” The captain mentioned, slyly moving the bread basket away from the teenager.

“Oh-ohm-ohn, Imf a owin oy!” The sailor retaliated (or so that’s what it sounded like anyway, you can’t really tell when someone’s mouth is full.)

“Um, ma’am? I think we’re ready to order.” Twilight spoke up. He was stuck between Legend and Warriors, making sure that they don’t beat each other up. Not sure how he got into the beautiful position of family therapist, but it’s whatever.

“Time?”

“Yes Sky?”

“What’s a medium rare?”

“Oh it’s when the meat is only partially cooked!”

“Okay, miss? May I please have a medium rare chicken?” The innocent boy asked. Legend stifled a laugh, and Hyrule looked a little bit shocked.

“Um… I’ll see what I can do, and you sir?”

“I’ll take… actually I’m full!” Wind replied. He could have sworn he heard someone mumble ‘called it.’ But didn’t say anything.

“Oh okay, what about you?” She looked over at Four, who looked deep in thought.

“I’ll have the stuffed bell peppers, but WHATEVER YOU DO… do not use the green bell peppers… or someone is going to get hurt.” Maybe threatening wasn’t the best idea, but then again it’s also a complete valid reason if you are completely afraid of green bell peppers… according to Four and only Four.

“Mhm… got it? And you?”

“Okay lady, listen up. I would like some pizza, but without the crust, and hold off on the cheese.” Legend earned himself a flick from Twilight, “…Please.”

“So… just sauce?”

“Whatever you call it.”

“May I please have the fried wild greens?” Twilight *politely* asked.

“Of course! What about you?” Her eyes fell on Warriors.

“Do you have any dates?”

“No sir, this is a restaurant.”

“Well, would you like to orange a date?” The waitress’s cheeks flushed, before she quickly moved on to the next Link.

“Quick question, is the water that you have drinkable?” Hyrule asked, eying his glass. The waitress slowly nodded her head in confusion. “Alright, then I’ll eat a red potion.”

“I’m just going to completely ignore that request, as I have no idea what a red potion is.”

“I’ll have the steak, if it’s no trouble.” Time politely requested. Aside from Twilight, he was basically the only one with a sensible dish.

“Of course and what about… you?” The waitress looked down to where wild was supposed to be sitting, but somehow he was not there.

“Okay who kidnapped our archer?” Legend bluntly asked.

“Give me a minute,” Time stood up, “I know where he is.”

…

“Wild!”

“Okay, and then you see this is how you fry-“

“WILD!”

The champion almost dropped the pan from the harshness of the old man’s voice, “What?!”

“Tell me why you are in the kitchen that says EMPLOYEES ONLY??”

“Because! They weren’t cooking it right. I’m teaching them.”

“Champion, tying people to chairs and forcing them to watch you cook isn’t ‘teaching’.”

“Oops”

“What are you making anyway?”

“Fish.”

#linked universe #lu twilight #lu hyrule #lu sky #lu four #lu wind #lu warriors #lu time #lu legend #lu wild

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ultravioletwrites · 1 year

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There’s something of a stray problem at Steve and Robin’s first place together. It’s fitting, perhaps, that as soon as they move out of Hawkins, away from the kids for the first time, that the universe decides they need a new Party--albeit a furry, four-legged one.

Steve’s gearing up to go home after work when he gets a call from Robin.

“Hey what’s--”

“Steve!” He pulls the phone away from his ears, because jeez Louise, warn a guy would you? “Are you on your way back?”

“Literally pulling out of the parking lot, as we speak,” he drawls.

There’s some shuffling on the other end of line. “And I’m literally herding cats, like the whole horde, and maintenance just showed up,” she hisses.

Shit. He peels out of the community center lot. “Hold them off as long as you can, I’ll be right there.”

It’d started innocently enough, a mangy orange tabby lingering at the doorstep during their first month in their townhouse. They hadn’t even fed the damn thing--Steve was firm on that, despite the pleading look in Robin’s eye--but he made himself at home on their porch nonetheless. He was relentless little thing, yowling and weaving between the legs of anyone who dared enter the house. Robin christened him O’Malley and Steve begrudgingly accepted the little fur ball as a permanent fixture in their lives.

Naming him was a mistake. It was like Robin had sent out a bat signal (cat signal?) to all the feline vagabonds in the area. There was a rotating line up of about six cats total. They sprawled belly up on the porch, roamed in the backyard, or kept watch from the trees.

Steve pulls into an empty spot along the street and watches, both horrified and transfixed, at the spectacle unfolding on his front lawn.

There’s a van in the driveway--Munson Electric--and all six strays have latched onto the maintenance man. He’s whirling around in circles on the grass, cursing up a storm, to no avail. They’re climbing up his navy coveralls, using his legs as a makeshift cat tree. The twins--two scruffy Siamese kittens, are attempting to burrow in his mass of dark, curly hair. The elastic securing the tech’s hair stands no chance and Steve winces when Thelma, the more mischievous twin, pries it free with her claw. O’Malley’s wrapped around the man’s shoulders like an airport neck pillow.

Robin’s trying to entice the kitties with lunch meat--which hey, Steve needs that for his lunches. She shoots Steve a desperate look as he rushes toward them. “Finally! I don’t know what their fucking problem is!” Robin grabs Louise, the other twin, by the scruff only to be met with a menacing hiss as she clings tighter.

Steve manages to pry Cheese, the smallest of them all, off the guy’s bicep. “Someone’s a real pussy magnet, huh?” he says under his breath.

Steve’s met with a withering glare. “Is now really the time?”

Which, yeah it’s definitely not and the guy’s looking vaguely murderous, but he’s also certifiably gorgeous up close. The pinched look on his face does nothing to distract from warm, brown eyes and pouting lips. Steve schools his expression into something more neutral, or tries to. “Sorry, sorry.”

“Why can’t you and your girlfriend be normal and have, like, a million kids or something?” he huffs.

Robin scoffs. “We’re not--”

“She’s not--”

“Can someone,” he shrieks, as Thelma bats a paw at his ear, “just please get them off me?”

It takes a lot a maneuvering and distracting--Robin snatches some gardening gloves from the garage because, damn, claws--but they finally fend off the cats long enough to usher the maintenance guy inside.

He slumps against the wall, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Jesus.”

Steve was already a little rank after work--coaching a youth community basketball team will do that to you--but he's damp with a fresh layer of sweat. “‘M showering real quick, I can, uh, grab you a beer for your troubles?” he says quietly.

“Yeah,” the guy wheezes. “Maybe two, fuck.”

The breathy way he chokes out the last word is taking Steve’s brain to all sorts of inappropriate trains of thought, so he nods and flees to his bathroom.

His hair’s still a little damp when he comes downstairs to the kitchen twenty minutes later and, oh. Robin and the maintenance guy look thick as thieves, chumming it up and laughing at something on her phone. And it’s captivating, the sound of his laugh. The broad grin on his face makes something twinge in Steve’s gut.

They both turn to look at Steve and both pairs of eyes have him fumbling for something, anything to say. “All good?” Better than nothing, Steve supposes.

“Eddie’s got it all fixed,” Robin says with a smarmy smile.

“G-great. That’s great, Eddie!” Steve stammers.

Eddie--knowing his name now makes it exponentially worse, likes the way it rolls of his tongue a little too much--straightens up and pins Steve with narrowed eyes and a charming uptick of his lips. “Got some wires crossed, Stevie.”

A blush creeps up the back of his neck. “What?”

Eddie reaches to readjust the sloppy bun atop his head. Don’t look at his arms, don’t look, okay well now you’re looking. Ogling more like. “You’ve got some wires crossed, behind the breaker panel, Steve. I sorted them out for y’all.”

“Right, yes. Thank you, Eddie.” Time to shoo him out the house before Steve burst into flames.

Robin putzes around the kitchen while Eddie packs his things, no doubt wanting to eavesdrop, and Steve remains frozen.

“Have a good one!” Eddie calls on his way out. He slows down next to Steve, lips alarming close to his ear. “Can’t drink on the job, you’ll just have to buy me one this weekend.”

Steve watches him hightail it to the van, narrowly missing another cat ambush. Robin presses into his side. Steve whips around. “What the hell did you say to him, Buckley?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she quips, before tucking something into Steve’s pocket. “I got you his business card. With his personal phone number.”

#mechanic maintenance trade worker eddie has me in a chokehold #this man WILL work with his hands and it WILL put steve into a coma #steddie #steddie ficlet #stranger things #st #my writing #also gratuitous use of the em dash #ITS MY FAVORITE OKAY

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shitposting4squares · 1 year

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Pizza Tower/Evil dead crossover Peppino

He had to cut off his own hand to stop from turning into a pizza monster, and he’s mad as hell about it. Also I decided to give him a sleeve harness for his BIG HONKIN PIZZA CUTTER BUZZSAW cus it looked strange on the end of his more noodle looking arm. And this gives him more heft and motion. I’ll put what I’ve got so far about the au under a readmore.

So a chain restaurant opens in a historic landmark, the tower, where during renovation they accidentally unearth an ancient spooky power. Which gets harnessed by the human who would soon become PizzaHead.

Setting off a very monkey's paw be careful what you wish for situation, cus the guy basically wanted a “pizza empire”. He meant that in terms of creating a huge and wealthy corporation, but the tower magic took it literally. So now not only is it spawning armies of pizza monsters, but Pizzahead has the power to turn humans into more pizza monsters.

So he starts by inviting all the owners of the local businesses to the restaurant part of the tower for a little get together before the grand opening.Targeting them first to cut down the competition and ensure the maximum amount of customers would instead be visiting his restaurant. This being the moment that first gets everyone scared, as a 6+ foot tall man made out of cheese with a pizza for a face bursts into the restaurant. Acting like some kind of unhinged cartoon clown, and trying to get the people who haven't eaten the free pizza yet to try some. Though it seems like his presence speeds up the pizza monster transformations. As the ones who were infected start to turn, while Gustavo, Mr. stick, and Peppino escape into the tower.

So in this instance, the bosses are other humans who showed up to the party and got turned into pizza monsters as part of Pizzaheads army. Like pepperman used to be the owner of an arts and crafts store. Vigilante was a farmer who restaurants would sometimes buy meat and veggies from locally. Noise and Noisette were a young couple involved in journalism who were covering the opening of the new restaurant. And some of the other one-off monsters could be other local business owners.

Peppino never ate any of the pizza, but he did get a slice of it shoved into his hand by pizzahead when he showed up and terrified everyone by being an unhinged pizza monster, and it took him a moment before dropping it. So after a bit of adventuring, it turns out his hand is infected, and he's gotta cut it off to keep the pizza transformation from spreading. As his screaming and comically slamming his cheese and pepperoni hand on various walls does little more than stun the cheese hand in a cartoony sorta way (Like with stars spinning over it’s head).

After a building of panic as the cheese starts to spread over his wrist, he cuts it off in a grocery store-like location within the tower with a industrial strength pizza cutter, that is really more like a big buzzsaw, splattering himself with his own blood. Though the pizza monsters are threatening to break in, so he attaches the big buzzsaw to his stump arm, and goes on a blind rage chainsaw massacre style rampage. Eventually collapsing from blood loss and overexertion in the abandoned looking Bruno's pizza when it looks like he’s killed all the monsters nearby.

He wakes up with something trying to force his mouth open, and it's his severed cheese hand. He tries to kill it, but it tricks him into screaming and it's able to get into his mouth. He tries to puke it out, but instead he pukes out a whole grey shirt Peppino clone, which he screams at, it screams back, and it melts into inert goo. He vomits a few more times, with a similar outcome of spawning a short lived lumpy looking clone of himself, and he's able too look inside his mouth in a reflective surface, and his mouth and throat is full of goopy hands. No longer made of cheese, but more looking made out of melty rubber skin. So he quickly boils a pot of water and drinks the boiling water while screaming and swearing much like how it goes down in army of darkness, with the clones screaming as the boiling water hits them. A very brief moment for Peppino to catch his breath, hoping it's over, but then stuff starts growing under his skin, and he undergoes a rapid, but disturbing mitosis.

The two Peppinos pulling apart and falling to the ground. With Peppino having a moment of excitement as his hand has grown back

But he spots his doppelganger and scrambles to his feet, fake Peppino currently being a perfect mirror of him. Matching Peppino’s looks and movements exactly. Peppino takes a moment to process how weird this is, doing stuff like moving his arm and hand, with Fake Peppino mirroring the motion, before trying to back away slowly. But when he takes a step back, fake pep steps forward. And again. Before Peppino tries to book it, and fake pep lunges after him, causing him to scream, and fake pep screams back, revealing himself as a warped goo monster, and the chase is on. And that’s as far as I’ve got with the au so far. Can let me know if you have any ideas to expand on the au with.

#peppino #peppino spaghetti #pizza tower #evil dead #au #spooky #pizza head #fake peppino #army of darkness

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crowza · 1 year

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Hermitcraft cooking tier-list

as compiled by @mawofthemagnetar and I with further explanations below the line

Great Food, Totally Safe

This cook will make sure your food is safe and tasty no matter your species! Pretty self-explanatory.

VintageBeef - All butchers are great cooks ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Renthedog - Great at grilling, even if he generally prefers meat on the rare side. His steak tartar is to die for.

Impulse - While his area of interest is more centered around candy, he can make you a decent dinner.

EvilXisuma - He learned how to cook out of spite. Major stress-baker vibes.

Iskall, PearlescentMoon, GeminiTay, Welsknight - These guys are all functional adults. They can cook.

Great Food, but Watch Out

This cook will make you a wonderfully tasting dish. However, it might not be harmless. Eat at your own risk.

ZombieCleo - Your meal will be meticulously prepared with skill, love, and heart (often literally). Its a shame the only people fully capable of appreciating her hard work are fellow members of the undead.

JoeHills - The food will be either great or a biohazard. Its anyone's guess which one it'll be this time. That's the Joe Hills Difference.

CubFan and GTWS - While the food will be excellent, the Vex have odd rules surrounding food. Make sure you have a lawyer present.

StressMonster - She may be a great baker, however those skills do not necessarily transfer. Compliment her pastry, steer clear of her casserole.

Mediocre in all contexts

Not good, nor hazardous. The plain white toast bread of cooks.

TFC, xBCrafted, Etho - Bachelor pad people with bachelor diets. Can make a store-bought mac-n-cheese.

Xisuma, FalseSymmetry, Hypnotizd - They just eat MRE's. Can cook an egg if need be.

The food will be Bad

Self-explanatory. You will not leave the table feeling good about yourself.

MumboJumbo - The man is incapable of handling the pressure of cooking for another person. The end product is not worth the emotional toll.

Grian - Under not circumstance should this man be given access to an oven.

Zedaph - His food is not contaminated thanks to his proper PPE usage. That is the highest compliment anyone could give.

That is a Biohazard, Do Not Eat

Just don't.

Keralis - oh you know, (read EHK series for context)

DocM77 - Despite being Ren's grilling buddy, he will put redstone on the food and forget to tell you about that. Do not eat.

TangoTek - Believes that blaze powder is an appropriate spice to use. Do not eat.

Bdubs - This man will eat things out of the garbage. Unless you can guarantee the ingredient's freshness - Do not eat.

iJevin - He isn't fully in on what is appropriate to feed humans. Preparing and cooking food seems like a waste of time. Absorbing it whole is much more efficient. Do not eat.

#hermitcraft #also obligatory those are headcanons #i am open to further discussion

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character-of-all-time · 1 year

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So so so happy that Wallace and Gromit are winning against the cabbage man… that’s a formidable foe good job you two!

Propaganda time:

- Wallace and Gromit were originally an animation student’s project, but eventually he was hired by Aardman studios to work for them while he finished the project.

- they’re little inventors!! Rube Goldberg type shit!!!

- they’ve defeated a penguin robber! They’ve defeated a robot dog from turning sheep into minced meat!

- THEY SAVED WENSLEYDALE CHEESE! THATS RIGHT! THEY SAVED A CHEESE!!! Wensleydale had become low in production, and probably wouldn’t have been in production for much longer if not for WALLACE AND GROMIT! They literally REVITALIZED A CHEESE!!! They’re really good in scones…

- ummm have you seen Curse of the Wererabbit? It’s so funny!!

- THEYRE LITTLE STOP MOTION GUYS!!!!

all very compelling... my white ass does indeed love a cheese...

#propaganda #askance

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tomatoswup · 1 year

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141 and Tacos [Headcanons]

Characters: Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, John Price, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo Parra

Whilst 141 and you are on a quick break through the streets of Mexico, do you spot a fairly sized taco stand on the side of the sidewalk. Eat up! What kind of tacos would 141 like?

A/N: Y'all can't tell me 141 DIDN'T eat any mexican food during their time in Mexico cause i knOW they were starving goDDAMN,,, Also this was written with a reader with Mexican origin or relation in mind, so take that as you will.

also first post on this blog ★

warnings: none unless you don't like the description of cow tongue or somethin' :)

Price

This man loves the good ol' classic Tacos De Carne

Asks the poor vendor to pour a ungodly amount of onions ontop because's who's gonna stop him cmon now,,

also he's british,,,

Rudy kinda looks at him like 'Damn does the man like onions this much?'

Fell in LOVE with the salsa verde although he had a stroke at first

Orders 10 tacos de carne and a quesadilla because he's about "variety"

After his first time eating them, he craves tacos a bit more after finishing missions.

That one dude that puts hella avocado in his tacos

No like literally the poor tortilla is gonna pop open

"..."

"What?"

"Price your taco is gonna literally fucking explode.."

Instead of killing enemies, Price is killing these poor tacos

He still eats them in peace tho 🫶

Soap

Soap's a bit more of the daring/curious one

So he tries the Tacos de Lengua first since you offer one to those who dared eat it because you're pretty sure none of the 141 members (excluding Alejandro and Rudy) have tasted cow tongue before.

Cringed at first when he took the first bite tbh

The texture was something that threw him wayyy off

Like who tf thought putting cow tongue in tacos was a good idea??

But as he slowly started taking it in, it actually tasted...good?

The meat was soft and chewy but it oddly felt comforting?

Quickly found himself to actually like the tacos and orders 5 more from the vendor.

Asks if your mother makes them, and if you say yes, he WILL ask for an invite.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU LIVE WITH?? YOU'VE EATEN THIS YOUR WHOLE LIFE?!"

croaked at the salsa roja though, started tearing up a lil`,, it's ok tho you pat his back as he chugs water.

Gaz

i will die with the headcannon that gaz is as gen.z as he can be

Orders Tacos de Birria because he remembered Rodolfo talking about eating some for lunch.

He also remembers seeing people cook them on his insta feed so

Likes the greasiness to them tbh

AND THE CHEESE PULL HE GOT WHEN HE TOOK THAT FIRST BITE? JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL THIS MAN IS IN HEAVEN

His leg gave out as he finished his first taco

you know the lil birria juice they give yall in a lil bowl? Stained.

His fingers are drenched and shi

50 napkins by his plate as he eats ong

Ate 4 before he tapped out

Will chug a coke and a water after so his arteries don't feel as clogged tho

This poor man is in a food coma at the lil picnic table by the stand by how full he got with only 4 of those tacos.

"Ayo where's Gaz?"

Gaz: -Sprawled out on the picnic table seat with his eyes closed-

"Oh fuck he's dead-"

"I lived bitch."

Ghost

Was very hesitant to taste tacos out in the streets at first because damn his paranoia does get ahead of him :(

But after everyone tries them, he tries to give them a shot

Didn't like the tacos de lengua because of the texture

And the tacos de birria were too greasy for him (but if he would've totally ate them after drinking though)

But damn, looking at the pastor slowly rotate on the vertical rotisserie did make it look really appetizing...

No regrets

Really likes the tad of sweetness added to the flavor because of the pineapple added

Ghost really loves meat so when he watched the vendor pack the tortilla with pastor, he knew he was in for a ride.

Orders quite a bit,, like 7 (or more if he's really hungry)

Faces away from yall to eat so you guys couldn't see his reaction but damn, that empty plate tells stories..

Alejandro

Being born in Mexico got it perks ngl

And being in Special Forces allows him to travel all around the Mexican states.

So he's tried alot of taco varieties

But his heart and soul will always be with Barbacoa straight from his momma's home OR from Las Almas.

Either in tacos or with a full plate of rice and frijoles puercos he will FUCK THEM UP.

Plate cleared and EVERYTHING

He loves eating them when he's homesick :(

Lives by salsa roja,, and throughout these headcannons I'm not talking about the salsa only made with tomatoes,, I'm talking about it being made with them red hot ass chiles.

The butt on fire kinda salsa roja

Drinks one corona whilst eating

But also waters that down with a cold water righttt after 😌

Rodolfo

Another classic,, Loves the crunch of the tacos de chicharron ♡

Like Alejandro, he pours an crazy ass amount of salsa roja on top

And lemon, lots of lemon on top,,

Soap and Ghost watch him in curiosity and fear as he drenched his tacos red

You give him props fr fr

Always drinks a Jarrito de Tamarindo with his tacos, like a baller~

Orders like 5 normally and like 1 taco de chorizo on the side :P

Just as a palette cleanser, but besides tacos de chicharron, he also likes the taste of tacos de lengua

But tbh it just depends on how he's feeling

Likes his onions cooked and put on the side so he can just plain right eat them.

And righttt after he's done eating everything, he grabs another Jarrito as a finisher :D

#cod headcanons #mw2 x reader #cod imagine #mw2 headcanons #task force 141 #captain price headcanons #price headcanons #soap mctavish #soap headcanons #alejandro headcanons #rodolfo headcanons #modern warfare headcanons #call of duty headcanons #cod mw2 #simon riley cod #simon riley #ghost cod #ghost headcanons

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tiredcatboysinc · 6 months

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Merc cooking headcannons

Hi, it's literally been so long since I posted I'm so sorry. Anyways Tf2 hyperfixation is back so here are my headcannons for how good all the mercs can cook.

Scout ⚾

Scout doesn't really cook

He more or less just shoves chicken tenders in the oven and prays he doesn't burn them

Like he could learn to cook if he really wanted

But he just does not have the patience for it

I think Engi maybe taught him how to use the oven and taught him a few very easy recipes (soups, grilled cheese, things like that)

Other than that? That man can not cook

Sniper 🦘

Sniper knows how to cook, just not well

Like, being out in the wild with no way to buy food is a good reason to learn to cook

Doesn't mean he doesn't burn shit half the time

He can make a few things, toast, pasta, and he can grill any type meat really

He defiantly taught himself how to

Soldier 🦅

He can not cook

Do not even let this man in the kitchen

He will find a way to blow something up

Demo💣

I think Demo would be able to cook very well ngl

Like he only really cooks dishes from Scotland, but he'll learn to cook just about anything given the time

He likes to cook for Soldier a lot

I think he would really enjoy making breakfast for him :3

Medic💉

He can cook, it's just that no one trusts him to cook

Like if you let him cook he'd probably make some kind of monster meat

If someone would give him the chance he'd probably be really good at cooking

Just make sure he doesn't put any chemicals in it

Heavy🪆

He can cook really good actually

But only Russian dishes and sandwiches

He never really cared to learn how to make food besides those

Like that's all he ever eats, so why would he need to learn?

He's also a pretty good baker

Man can make a good ass pie

Spy🍷

Only cooks very fancy foods

Like he will not eat anything unless it's like fucking high end shrimp or something

Honestly he's super good at cooking, it's just the fact that it takes him several hours to make the food because he wants it to be perfect

Engineer🔧

Literally the best cook in the base

Everyone loves his cooking, so he ends up making dinner most if not every night

He loves cooking though so it's not an issue

Have you guys ever seen that mac n' cheese that has like 5 cheeses and a layer of bread crumbs?

Yeah, he would make that

Pyro🔥

They don't cook, they would set the base on fire if they did

They can bake though

And they bake really really amazingly

Like fluffiest and most moist cakes you've ever eaten

They're favorite thing to make is sugar cookies

And they also like to gift their caked goods to the other mercs and sometimes Miss Pauline when they get to see her :3

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 headcannons #scout tf2 #sniper tf2 #soldier tf2 #demo tf2 #medic tf2 #heavy tf2 #spy tf2 #engineer tf2 #pyro tf2 #eddie writes

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kikker-oma · 6 months

Note

umm I’m feeling cr*ckfic time (censoring cuz don’t do drugs kids) that isn’t even lore accurate sooooOoOoo

and yes I made this when I should be sleeping lol

“I’m not cooking tonight.” The familiar voice of the champion rang through the camp, “I swear if I cook fish one more night in a row I will turn into a cod.”

“Ho-Kay then, so what are we going to eat?”

“Have you guys been to a restaurant before?”

…

This is when chaos ensues.

“Okay, so you are a party of nine?” A waitress stood in front of the chain. 9 heroes, in probably the worst attire to wear for a fancy restaurant, standing right before her.

Time quickly stepped in, “Yes, nine. Five adults and four children.” That earned him a very aggressive poke on the shoulder.

“Old man, I’m over one hundred years old, I think a hundred and seventeen is over eighteen years of age.”

“Oh hush you, this bill is already gonna be expensive, plus judging by how you literally ATE a rock the other day, I think we can subtract a century.”

“Just shut up you both. I am famished.” The pink haired boy let out a dramatic sigh. He just wanted his food.

“Drama Queen.”

All settled around a booth, at the ripe time of 19:17, the boys and men were ready to eat most definitely.

“Sailor, don’t fill up on bread.” The captain mentioned, slyly moving the bread basket away from the teenager.

“Oh-ohm-ohn, Imf a owin oy!” The sailor retaliated (or so that’s what it sounded like anyway, you can’t really tell when someone’s mouth is full.)

“Time?”

“Yes Sky?”

“What’s a medium rare?”

“Oh it’s when the meat is only partially cooked!”

“Okay, miss? May I please have a medium rare chicken?” The innocent boy asked. Legend stifled a laugh, and Hyrule looked a little bit shocked.

“Um… I’ll see what I can do, and you sir?”

“I’ll take… actually I’m full!” Wind replied. He could have sworn he heard someone mumble ‘called it.’ But didn’t say anything.

“Oh okay, what about you?” She looked over at Four, who looked deep in thought.

“Mhm… got it? And you?”

“Okay lady, listen up. I would like some pizza, but without the crust, and hold off on the cheese.” Legend earned himself a flick from Twilight, “…Please.”

“So… just sauce?”

“Whatever you call it.”

“May I please have the fried wild greens?” Twilight *politely* asked.

“Of course! What about you?” Her eyes fell on Warriors.

“Do you have any dried fruit?”

“No sir, this is a restaurant.”

“Well, would you like to orange a date?” The waitress’s cheeks flushed, before she quickly moved on to the next Link.

“Quick question, is the water that you have drinkable?” Hyrule asked, eying his glass. The waitress slowly nodded her head in confusion. “Alright, then I’ll eat a red potion.”

“I’m just going to completely ignore that request, as I have no idea what a red potion is.”

“I’ll have the steak, if it’s no trouble.” Time politely requested. Aside from Twilight, he was basically the only one with a sensible dish.

“Of course and what about… you?” The waitress looked down to where wild was supposed to be sitting, but somehow he was not there.

“Okay who kidnapped our archer?” Legend bluntly asked.

“Give me a minute,” Time stood up, “I know where he is.”

…

“Wild!”

“Okay, and then you see this is how you fry-“

“WILD!”

The champion almost dropped the pan from the harshness of the old man’s voice, “What?!”

“Tell me why you are in the kitchen that says EMPLOYEES ONLY??”

“Because! They weren’t cooking it right. I’m teaching them.”

“Champion, tying people to chairs and forcing them to watch you cook isn’t ‘teaching’.”

“Oops”

“What are you making anyway?”

“Fish.”

HAHA I adore the idea of the chain going to a restaurant and being absolutely weird about it hahaha

Wild teaching the kitchen staff how to cook fish after being DONE with fish in the first place lolol

Wars flirting, Legend eating Marinara haha

Poor Twi is such a sibling stuck in the middle of the other two bickering hahaha

Thank you for this🤣🤣🤣

#sweet blarefordaglare #i love a good crack fic haga #fics for oma

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heisamarvelouspersona · 1 year

Text

VDL boys + "Dog or Cat Person"

this is my first post on tumblr and im *really* hoping this hasnt been done already.

Dutch:

cat person i just f*cking know it

he's one of those cat people that cannot distinguish his baby from an actual human child (me too its fine)

he has a white persian kitty and she lives in absolute luxury

just like the count, she wont let anyone else pet her. shes also probably called the countess

shes his special little babygirl, his meow meow, his little sweet cheese. if Arthur and John were drowing and he could only save one? he'd go catch a fish for his lil kitty cats dinner.

tried to take her as his plus one to the mayors party. Hosea absolutely would not allow it. spent hours debating over it.

Javier:

dog person

he's one of those guys that "doesnt see the point in cats"

"dogs are companions. you can never trust a cat. they lack loyalty" (speak for urself javi)

he probably tried to pet one once and it rejected him. now hes got a grudge against all of them

he likes little dogs. jack russels the most. they're tiny but fierce (and also very cute)

his dog will curl up at his feet whilst he plays guitar at the fire

John:

dog person

its not like he doesnt like cats. they just really don't like him.

hes too loud and excitable, and he kind of smells. cats just see him as one big hairless dog.

which he is. rufus sleeps at the foot of the bed with him and abigail....usually ends up inbetween them like a little kid and John just thinks its adorable. (abigail not so much)

prefers smaller, shorthaired dogs, that don't resemble wolves - for totally understandable reasons

will go out hunting with his dog and come back days later...with more dogs.

Sean:

both. totally both. i cannot see this man having a favourite

big, wolfy dogs and ginger cats ftw

will share his bed and literally let them eat off of his plate. drinks from the same cup as his cat and lets them both give him kisses. its gross but endearing

worms? he doesnt know her (he absolutely does)

hes covered in scratch marks. hes a full-time cat dad (i love him)

when his dog has zoomies...he probably has zoomies too

hes actually really good at training his pets? his dog is the most well behaved in camp. even dutch asked him to teach "the countess" some party tricks

Hosea:

dog person

hes allergic to cats :(

he still enjoys their company, he just cant have his own.

has a coonhound. he and bessie got her as a puppy. shes around 11 years old now but shes still got some life in her. much like her dad.

he used to take her hunting with him but now shes getting too old. still takes her on cons n such.

he'll take her fishing in the boat, chatting away to her about the old days with bessie.

he was raised with dogs. hes like a certified dog whisperer

Charles:

both...but leaning toward cats.

he would love to have a dog but he recognises that he doesnt have enough time to spare for a dog. dogs are family pets, cats are more suited to his way of life

even tho he doesn't have his own dog he always spares time for the rest of the camps canine companions. often going hunting just to bring them back their own meat.

his cat is just as stoic and kind as he is

hes the type of cat owner that wont see his cat for like 7 months and then they'll turn up like its nothing.

he doesnt worry because he trusts his cats natural instincts to find its home.

he pets every cat dog he sees. every. single. one.

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haveyouseenthisskeleton · 1 year

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Let's say s/o, whichever is funnier in this context, is having a craving for pizza. They ask skelebae if they'd be okay with having pizza tonight then proceeds to place the order online after getting approval. Later when the bell rings, skele answers the door after being asked to since s/o or b/f is busy at the moment. Opening the door, they are met with a concerned/disgruntled delivery person who is honestly looking at them SO judgmentally. Skele is very confused, but accepts the pizzas. It is not until later that they understand the look given when they finally open one of the boxes to reveal a pizza topped with extra cheese, olives, onions, jalapenos, and... PINEAPPLE. It only gets worse as their s/o makes a beeline to the pizza, practically drooling, and takes a bite before humming. "You know what what would make this even better? A drizzle of honey or maybe even some ranch to dip it in!" and then with a grin "Wanna try?"

Undertale Sans - He looks at you like you just insulted his entire family. For Sans, pizza is a serious thing and you ruined everything. Pizza is supposed to be grease and meat, not pineapple. He's going to Grillby's. He can't watch you insult the art of pizza and do nothing about it. He's not even hungry anymore. Monster.

Undertale Papyrus - He said yes to pizza but then insisted on the fact there is leftovers of what he cooked for lunch. He's more disgusted by the fact you chose pizza over his very cool and well prepared home food and will pout for two hours in his closet because he can. You try to slip a piece of pizza under his door to ask for forgiveness. He's not touching it. He is stubborn.

Underswap Sans - He was drooling about having a pizza too and froze when he saw the pineapple. He... doesn't know what this is? Not wanting to look like he has no idea what this is, he gladly accepts and regrets it the second he puts it to his mouth. As soon as you're not looking, he's giving the pineapple to Honey's dogs. He hates it.

Underswap Papyrus - Honey loves weird food that everyone dislikes and will gladly eat it. You're having the time of your life while Alphys and Undyne are staring at you in disgust and judgement, not stopping to tell you you're both weird and insults to the culinary art.

Underfell Sans - Man, he would do anything to not eat his brother broken glass lasagnas and literally shove the entire half of his pizza in the mouth, not even tasting it, so he can be full and have an excuse to not eat Edge's food. He's having stomach cramps all night after this. Welp.

Underfell Papyrus - "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT." He throws the pizza by the windows. You whine angrily and hits him screaming he just ruined dinner while he is screaming back that you just ruined pizza forever. You two are having a political argument right now.

Horrortale Sans - Pizza is pizza and he is so hungry. It's not his favorite, but he will not be difficult about it. Next time he'll show you what is his kind of pizza. He had a nice dinner, he is happy.

Horrortale Papyrus - Willow thinks the delivery man is looking at him like that because he is tall and scary and it's making him uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that he closes the door and locks it without paying the poor guy because he is too scared to deal with this tonight. He stress eats his pizza, not even tasting eat because it stressed him out.

Swapfell Sans - He gives you the same judgemental look the delivery man gave him as he drops the pizza on the table. What kind of weirdos put fruit on a pizza? Maybe Rus has a bad influence on you. He doesn't hide the wince when you start to eat. He hates this. He needs a very dark coffee to forget.

Swapfell Papyrus - He gives you an offended look and kicks you out. He's maybe a trash man, but he has standards. This is like insulting him in the face. He taught you better than this! How could you!

Fellswap Gold Sans - He blasts your pizza before you have a chance to taste it. Oops. It happens. Now you don't have the choice but eats the food he prepared for you just in case your pizza got blasted. What are the odds?

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - You are hiding in Coffee's closet to hide the pizza like weird gremlins. You are playing "make sure Wine doesn't find out we're eating pizza before dinner or we're both dead". The door creaks open. You both scream.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #swapfell #fellswap gold #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

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