#it's only in recent years that I started exercising to make myself feel good instead of with eight loss as an end goal

[shoutyourporpoise]

Actually WAIT something else just clicked for me I was like. SOUNDLY scolded for gaining the freshman 25 in undergrad and I’m not gonna claim I was eating super healthy bc I was not but it was treated as though it was due to a singular lack of self control on my part when like. I had JUST finished my arangetram in senior year when the only requirement was for me not to tank my grades???

I had just spent a whole year doing intense physical exercise practically every day and eating like an athlete only to go to undergrad where I was definitely not doing classical dance? And the veg options were VERY largely carb and cheese based and I was still trying to be veg so it was either eat unhealthy or hit the bottom of my checking account every month (also scolded).

Like I was doing taekwondo and yoga and swimming but of COURSE I was gonna gain a certain amount of weight bc the size I was for the year prior was like. The size a person would be at peak physical activity, not the size they’d be living the fairly sedentary life of a student.

#temeritiveRaconteur #eating disorder mention #actually while im here in the tags i was NOT KIDDING in the prev post when I said my bro was living on cigs coke and burgers #but he didnt get scolded bc unlike me he didnt go up a size such that my mom's clearance rack hoards could no longer fit him #and also bc he is a very skinny person #and in that way we were both hurt from opposite ends #my brother was not encouraged to take care of his health bc his thinness was believed to be protective #and for like...it was treated like the swimming and yoga and taekwondo was useless bc at the end of the day I was still fat #so I literally didn't exercise for like THREE YEARS? #last semester of senior undergrad i finally took women's weight training and it was like id never exercised before! #it's only in recent years that I started exercising to make myself feel good instead of with eight loss as an end goal #and guess what?? it turns out eating fresh fruit sand veggies and trying to get a walk in is good for you even if you are fat! whoda thunk

[lisanamazu]

Or old age or something. Or maybe old age And "something".

Today I read a tweet that amuses me in a good way: "Biologically, by 30, people have already given birth to children and died in the teeth of a predator, so after 30, everything in our body starts to fail in unison." Scientific-unscientific is not the point, it just triggered once again to think about what kind of shit has been happening to my mind in recent years.

Procrastination reaches terrifying proportions. I might not be able to just post a show schedule or wash the dishes for WEEKS. The tab/dishes will dangle in front of my eyes, I will sigh heavily looking at them, tell myself "must" and … do nothing about it.

Fine motor skills. Or rather, WRITING. Yes, for me, as a writer, this is a terrible scourge: not just typos, I sometimes write WRONG WORDS. I think it would be more correct not to throw it off on motor skills, since I can typo between Q and L, but on the brain in general and its understanding of what it is doing. Seriously, sometimes I just write WRONG WORDS.

Spontaneous stuttering. Everything is fine with my speech, I never had any problems with it: neither dyslexia, nor dysgraphia (to point 2), but here, it happens, I talk, I talk, and suddenly I CANNOT go through some kind of sound. As a rule, not a sonorant consonant, that is, one of those on which stuttering usually occurs. Well, I can't at all. Moreover, in the same word, there may be the same sound before it, and it is pronounced normally. It only helps to urgently choose a synonym. Jumps out like a jack-in-the box absolutely randomly.

Symptoms of ADHD, which I do not have (not diagnosed, not tested, we will assume that it is not). I'm talking about keeping fucking attention. I used to have some difficulties, yes, but I could complete part B or part C or write 5 pages of text before I needed a distraction. Now I'm starting to feel this need much more often. If you think that now I need to be distracted after each exercise, then hell there. Not even after the written word. I CAN FALL OUT OF THE WORK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIEROGLYPH. LITERALLY.

"reading a scroll but getting a funk hole". I'm having trouble reading. Most notably in Japanese, ゆ and よ, especially after [i] (i.e. ゅ and ょ), don't want to be read correctly. ゆ instead of よ, よ instead of ゆ. や does not join the party, but this couple resists both reading and writing, substituting each other. It also happens with kanji: I see one thing, I read another. And no, this is not about underlearning, this happens precisely with well-known elements of the language (come on, try to give me at least a hint that I just don’t know the や column, take a chance XD). In the native language, it manifests itself less due to the fact that we, as a rule, do not "read" literally, we "shoot" entirely, without reading the characters, that is, it flies directly to the reading / writing mechanism, and not to recognition.

And all this is connected with classes that give me the feeling that I live. I want to do them well. In addition, the counting in my mind also flies into hell, I used to count relatively quickly, but now … in the middle of counting, the thought just stops. Banal division/multiplication by 10 can stop me, can it be worse?…

And it all seems like such a small thing, but it affects areas of my life that are important to me and … makes me feel like a fucking unfit and helpless. I seem to be drowning in this, and in the presence of a rotten desire to scoop out, I just go to the bottom.

[otter1962crystalball]

If only you knew…

The title jumped out of a discussion with a friend recently. The idea is that if a person were to know me, would they like me or ditch me? So before I start, I acknowledge that what other people think of me is none of my business. Rather, I’d like to put out all the things I’ve always been worried about sharing for fear of losing someone. 

A lot of people know me as the guy who weighs 200+ pounds, lifts weights and exercises a lot. They also know that I am an author who is soon to publish a novel. Some people know that I live alone in Otter Cottage in Nova Scotia and have been single for 4 years now. It is also common knowledge that I am a French Immersion teacher. There are a lot of things that people don’t necessarily know about me…So here goes.

If only you knew that I have difficulty looking at myself in the mirror. I am currently afraid of losing my weight-lifting ability. I wrote a blog entry in this blog about it. I have weight-lifted most of my life and keeping my body in shape has been a major part of my life. Granted, I did it for validation when I was younger - usually through hookups or seeking out boyfriends or partners. For many years now, I have used weights as a personal self-esteem builder. That leads to the next statement.

If only you knew that I used to solely depend on my ability to look good. I needed external validation to feel good about myself. Sure, when I was young, I used my looks to be noticed. I never did it in vain, just hoping that guys would find me attractive and want to sleep with me.

If only you knew that I have a secret desire to be an artist with a paintbrush or a pen. I’ve always envied those who could draw and design works of art. I always felt that I was creative with writing or perhaps the occasional photograph that looks nice, but I sometimes feel that I lack real talent.

If only you knew how many times I’ve had to get up after being knocked down by life circumstances. In some of them, I played a role, but others are just blind circumstances. Sometimes I send a thought out to the universe and ask why? Did I somehow unconsciously wish these things on myself?

If only you knew that all the things that I did in my life of which I am not proud, sometimes come back to me in a tsunami of guilt that makes me question if I am a good person or not.

If only you knew that underneath my exterior is a highly sensitive person that often feels the emotions of others around me. When people say hurtful things or say something unwittingly that may hurt, I find it takes a toll on me. It has caused me to build up a wall in the past. I’ve been trying to pull it down for the past four years…

If only you knew how the plight of animals in this world hurts me deeply. I am especially horrified when I see or hear of pets being abused. It pains me to my core. I am aware of animals when I eat meat. I’ve tried to cut it down to a minimum. I wish, as a weight-lifter, that I could find other ways to get all the protein that I need from plants.

If only you knew how I fear the end of my life - that I may never get to do all the things that I wanted to do and to contribute to the world. It is especially something that as an HIV+ person, I’ve worried about because I spent so many years just surviving instead of living.

If only you knew that I love things that those who consider themselves as masculine might define as feminine. I love to birdwatch. I love flower gardens and I enjoy experimenting in the kitchen.

If you only knew that I have let a lot of people walk all over me. No more accusing me of cheating in D and D. No more trying to charm me so that you can waltz in and try to change me for your liking. No more narcissists need to apply! 

I am me. I accept me. If you don’t, get lost!

#I'm me #no more #Carpe diem

[freemefromthetyrannyofthisdevice]

Flare day three, I think. Of a decline that has been advancing since July.

Recently my partner bought us a tempur-pedic mattress pad, five inches of pressure relieving gel. Super expensive. I begged him not to get it. He insisted that it was worth it for any chance it would improve my pain. I was quietly worried it would not help.

Unfortunately I was right. It feels amazing at first, but as usual by morning I basically have full body bed sores. I am in so much pain that I start crying almost immediately. I can't take a deep breath. My first thought is agony, and my thoughts just spiral from there. Immediately, my first thought in the morning is about pain.

Every plan I make is checked by the reality of what it feels like to just move. My muscles give out, and then the joint crunches. Lifting anything over ten lbs is impossible somehow. I used to be so strong. So recently. I was so strong.

The sounds my knees make going up the stairs are embarrassing. I moved my leg the other morning, and his eyes got wide. He said he thought the noise was a bottle of pills.

I fear exacerbating the pain so much that I have an active avoidance of life. I don't want to exercise, remembering the knee dislocation, the rotator cuff injury that led to two urgent care visits and steroids to allow me to use my arm again. I know exercise avoidance is worsening everything, but I am afraid of walking too far and not being able to do anything the next day. I'm afraid of more permanent injuries, and thus more pain without hope of relief.

I need to stretch, I need to do the PT that I developed myself, that was working. I need to move. Instead I wander around. I do the bare minimum. I sit, I pace. I atrophy further. I am starving. I feel poisoned, as if from radiation! My eyes have declined, distance vision now extremely blurry, despite my apparently very small astigmatism, my vision is MUCH worse somehow. My hearing is worse. I feel the decline of my entire body. At 28. I will be 29 this year, and thinking of the future is horrifying. I see wheelchairs, canes, opportunities squandered. And at the same time, I reject this. I want to solve this, not only for myself, but for other people. The descriptor for this life I am living is horror. I am being slowly tortured, every day, every hour, every moment. It is the first thing I think about in the morning, the last thing I think about before sleep. It's what I think about throughout the night, waking up to shift and creak and writhe.

This can not continue.

I am afraid of getting a job and losing it due to my chronic mood swings, flare ups, suicidality, caused by the daily war I am fighting against pain. I'm good with words, I can not think of any word but agony to describe this. I am afraid of not being able to get a job because I can't do the physical work I have the most skill in.

I asked him this morning if he was in pain, he said, a little sore (from the gym) but no not at all.

Imagine. Oh my vicious jealousy. His warm, smooth, beautiful, efficient, muscled form. Even his skin looks strong. Oh my vicious jealousy.

My bedtime routine includes slathering myself in biofreeze gel, and I mean way too much of it, I add lidocaine and diclofenac too in layers. I have to carefully arrange four pillows, a special cervical therapy pillow, and then arrange my joints so they will not collapse overnight. They will. They always do. If I stay in the same place all night the pain in the morning is localized to the place that had the most pressure, like my mid back, or my shoulder. If I shift all night, waking up to crack and shift and stretch and try unconsciously to relieve it, the pain becomes diffuse over every limb and joint. I wake up and immediately want to die. I am angry that I woke up. I feel a horrible sense of injustice, and at the same time the cruelty in me responds that no one deserves anything.

I fought for years to want to live, through the neuropsychiatric problem, finally I have that handled and now my physical body is melting, cracking apart. I am dissolving.

I know I'm likely just in a pretty serious flare right now, due to my hormonal cycle and recent travel, but just a flare is destroying my relationship and my happiness.

He tries to hold me at night like we used to all the time, and I shove him away, desperate to shift. Any light touch in the wrong place is horror. If he holds me too tightly, at the wrong angle, my neck can dislocate. I can not hold still, constantly shifting.

I push him away. We once had a pretty active lovely sex life. Now I can not stand to be touched. The pain makes me feel like an ugly grey shell. I feel like I look like gollum, somehow. Very hard to explain, this horrible feeling. I have suffered from bipolar disorder related depression before, this is a localized physical depression. I feel like I am (am in?am?) a dried, rough, broken skeleton all the time. I don't even look in the mirror. I don't want to. I feel old and ugly. The pain is aging me even further. My skin is grey, wrinkled, pain likes exaggerated constantly like that artist who painted the dead on purpose, Vermeer?

The pain medication is also destroying my sex drive, and my sensation. He feels like I don't find him attractive anymore. He tries to touch me and it makes me angry, I don't even know why. It's not fair, to rebuff him like this.

But I don't want to kiss. I don't want to be touched, unless it's a massage, which is the only thing that helps. I want to be locked in a dark room, weightless. I want the constant overwhelming onslaught of sensation to just stop. Every single added stressor or stimulation is excessive, horrible, painful, uncomfortable. It's somehow making smells worse, tastes are distorted. Everything is too salty, or somehow sulfurous, nauseating. Everything smells like bleach, and blood, harsh and disgusting.

I love him for singing in the morning (someone who talks, someone who sings, someone who knows, all my favorite things) he is all I ever wanted, and now I can not stand the noise. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I am destroying the best relationship I have ever experienced. I want everything to shut up. The meowing cat and the howling dog and the constant onslaught. Never alone never any ceasing to the noise, the sensation, the LOUD pain. It is so LOUD. It demands my attention, it drowns everything out. It screams and screams and screams.

Annoyed by everything. Irritated by any small disagreement, or even comment. Sharp edged and horrible. So mean to him, and he is so loving and so patient, and he tries so hard to be understanding and comforting. But how could anyone possibly tolerate someone treating them like this. I would not blame him for leaving me.

I need help. This can not continue.

That repeats in my brain every day.

This can not continue.

Because even when my head's not spinning, the kitchen sink is leaking,

The hardwood floors are creaking

and you

you're breathing in

and out and in

and out and in

and out.

and I want to put my hand over your mouth...

and say where

where is the silence?

Where

Where is the stillness I thought I'd find

Where. Where is my peace. My peace?

My peace.

My peace of mind.

#chronic pain #ehlers danlos syndrome #help me #liz longley #peace of mind liz longley

[orlamount]

My Story

How did I start surfing? I'd gone surfing a couple times over the years when I was a kid and I really loved those times but id never had the means or equipment to do it on my own terms and when I wanted until now.

2015 Devon - went with the family to Devon and I tried surfing for the first time and I instantly loved it. Couldn't get me out of the water, I was out there for hours because of how much I loved it.

2016 Devon - In 2018, I went to the same place with my friend after we finished our GCSES for a treat. Unfortunately the waves weren't very good so we couldn't surf much, but the whole experience of going there and going to surf shops was really fun.

2017 Wales - On holiday in Wales and my parents surprise booked me a surf lesson at surf snowdonia, a manmade wave machine. It was only an hour long, so it left me wanting to do more.

2018 africa - In my 2018 summer, I went with my family to Africa and they booked me a surf lesson again, so I had lots of fun and got to meet the locals teaching us the basics of how to surf.

2023 Newgale Wales - Me and my best friend decided to go on a mini surf trip because we wanted to learn together, I borrowed someones board and bought one on Facebook for £100 and we set off on our trip for 5 days of surf. We had so much fun and by the end of it we could both stand.

Why did I start surfing? I started surfing because it looked really fun and I love being in the sea. I'd tried it before when I was younger but I couldn't do it as a hobby because I didn't have a car or any of the gear to surf. It took a push from me and my friend to start doing it because we're both homebodies who struggle with mental health, but it's been 100% worth it.

How long have I been surfing? Ive only been surfing for 4 months and ive been able to notice a major difference in my mental health and my attitude to things. I feel more energised

What was your first time surfing like? My first time surfing as a kid was the BEST feeling, it just wanted to keep doing it and I didn't want to come out of the water, I wasn't even doing it with anyone, it was a solo activity and it felt so fun and freeing. I always thought sine then that I wanted to do it regularly, but only until now have I actually had the resources to go myself.

if I was to talk about surfing the first time in regards to recently, now that I'm able to pick it up as a hobby, id express the feeling as exactly the same. It feels so freeing and refreshing because you're in the cold sea.

When do I go surfing? When I go, depends on the wave forecast, but usually it will be early in the morning because the swell is better. It's also less busy, so you don't have to fight for waves with other surfers. A good part of surfing means I have to get up early, so it gets me off to a good start for my day. A cold surf and then a warm shower makes gets me energised or the rest of the day.

Whats the prep like before surfing? Prep for surfing is usually very quick. Wake up, put on swim wear and wetsuit, pop the boards on the roof and then we drive to bournemouth pier, so we can be ready in about 20 minutes if we want to go.

How often do I go surfing? Pretty regularly as I count it as exercise, if I don't go surfing/ the waves aren't good, I'll go to the gym instead. I tend to go a mixture of surfing and gym at least 3 times a week, as I'm trying to get into a healthier lifestyle and routine than I was in.

Are there any negatives I've experienced when surfing? Some negatives I can think of are that other surfers can sometimes be rude, so I've had to stand my ground before because they think they own the sea. Other negatives can sometimes be that, on the surf cams they have in bournemouth, the surf can look really good, you get there and the waves could be too intense or too flat to surf and its quite deflating when you've worked yourself to go surfing.

#year3 #istd

[ryan-is-a-god]

I'm pretty sure my entire life's problems can be chalked up to never getting enough sleep and having a negative attitude. Of course getting my ADHD treated helped immensely but that doesn't solve everything.

One day I was so tired, and I struggle to sleep normally; I literally left a conversation and said I'm going to sleep at like 9pm. Please note that I usually would never consider sleeping earlier than even 1 am before.

Anyhow, the next day omg I woke up at 6:30 am because I didn't want to oversleep and I was so rested I made delicious food and watched anime first thing in the morning, specifically a very positive anime, I think it might have been my next life as a villainous. I actually for the first time in a long time, worked out. Well, not working out per say, because I still have to trick my brain, no I played sports with my sibling, turned on good ol' Wii sports and played some DDR. After that I started sleeping and waking up at a decent time every day, and I actually felt fine even if I messed up a day here and there.

Only recently did I mess up my sleep for a few consecutive days, in which I felt sluggish and tired like I always have before. Recently I was discussing how much sleep a human requires, I assumed it was 5 hours for most people, and found out that it is actually 7-9 hours for adults, and even more time for younger people. Of course some people can get less but that's not true for most. Here I thought I was the insane one for struggling to wake up with less than 7 hours now, and when I was a teenager, good luck getting 5!

The point of this is just that I was so defeatist, I will never sleep normal, never wake up at a good time, never feel rested, but I did! I actually did! So now I'm going to ensure I get enough sleep tonight, I'm not sacrificing my sleep for anything. I even managed to stay pretty well on track during school, and these assignments are never ending.

I had a friend who did everything in highschool; I admired her so much, she worked out, cooked all her food, woke up early, studied, was literally the valedictorian, and still had time to hang out and play video games.

The most impressive part to me was that she managed all that while keeping a good sleep routine, eating healthy, and exercising.

She's half the inspiration for why I still keep up with this new schedule now, because, I know she did it, and I know it wasn't always easy for her, and really we all can do this, if anything this part should be the easy part.

Anyways this is partly to remind myself to get adequate sleep and work out today after I finally clean my room and work on my assignment. The other part is to remind everyone that taking care of yourself is always the base priority, everything that is so hard, like managing time, or work, or whatever, is secondary and usually gets easier the more you take care of yourself.

I mean just a year ago or so I thought I was gonna die on the couch barley able to move, and now I'm doing what I thought was literally impossible; taking care of myself, doing school work, AND actually having time to work on side projects!

I probably missed a lot of what I wanted to say, and while I would usually scold myself for writing this instead of working on my assignments, this took only a few minutes, contrary to the hour or two I use to feel was being wasted away.

Remember if something is hard to do, just make it fun. I don't like cooking, but I do like eating fancy looking food while watching anime. I don't like exercising, but I do like playing video games like Wii sports or actual sports. I don't like sleeping, but I do like lying down in a warm blanket with a favourite movie playing as I close my eyes for just a moment.

#just a little ramble #personal #healthy life changes #adhd #this probably needs editing #this did wonders for my anxiety #except for at the scary eye doctor #sorry I don't view having my corona potentially scratched as a unreasonable fear #it isnt a phobia it is a normal human reaction #now im ranting in the tags #oops #just still butter about it lmao #mental health #life goals #unintelligible goblin noises

[rg-writes]

2019 New Years Resolutions

December 2018

For my 2019 New Years Resolutions, I prefer to do them a bit different than years past. Last year I used a set of quantified goals, for example, read 10 books (accomplished), make dinner once per week (fail), leave SF (accomplished), take selfies with friends each week (failed, which was better for everyone). This year I'm simplifying; 3 things I want to do more, 1 I want to do less. Here goes:

More Focus: I recently read this post by Shane Parrish on the Farnam Street blog about working smarter, not harder. He outlines a method of identifying the things that are most important to work on and how to eliminate the rest. My new years plan is to outline those goals, not for the purpose of having more goals that disappoint me but instead to identify what I can get rid of, and focus. From his post:It’s not about working harder to get better results. You have only so much energy to apply. Pick what matters. Eliminate the rest.-Shane ParrishEven without having gone through the exercise I can guess that this will likely mean (1) quality family time (I'm lucky to already have a lot of this), (2) lots and lots of time surfing and really improve, and (3) less objectives but more successes for Saltwater. I'll follow-up with a post about the outcome here later.The exercise to get there:Do the goal elimination processReview monthly, adjust where necessaryEnjoy the freedom of less

More Originality: My default instinct in getting things done always seems to be to see how others are doing that thing. It's a fine approach to knocking out random tasks, but the issues is that I rarely spend time thinking about how I would 'ideally' want it done, or other ways something 'could' get done. This approach causes me to miss out on ideas and opportunities for learning and growth. Another post on Farnam Street earler this year got me thinking about my first thought on a topic versus spending real time to think through multiple levels fo an issue, and getting to first principles of an issue. This sums it up perfectly...It’s only by concentrating, sticking to the question, being patient, letting all the parts of my mind come into play, that I arrive at an original idea. By giving my brain a chance to make associations, draw connections, take me by surprise. And often even that idea doesn’t turn out to be very good. I need time to think about it, too, to make mistakes and recognize them, to make false starts and correct them, to outlast my impulses, to defeat my desire to declare the job done and move on to the next thing.-William DeresiewiczThis year I want to create more, come up with more of my own solutions to problems, and generate more original thinking vs just fast copying. This will be tough as it's against my natural tendency to move quick, but I'm confident it will be worth while.The exercise to get me there:Block days to think about one issue for what will feel like a rediculous about of time.Write 2x / month minPaint, draw, doodle, spray paint a surfboard, get creative and have fun

More Contentment: I see the irony of setting a goal to work on contentment but it is someting I'd like the feeling of more often. And the only way I know to get things done is to put them on paper and increase a sense of commitment to it. So here goes. First, I already know that I'm incredibly lucky to have the life I have, with an amazing wife, kids, family, passions, and business successes. But with the harsh and beautiful way I'm wired, I always seem to look for improvement and the next thing. It's going to take a framework shift to get there. Second, I already know there isn't any 'thing' that I don't have that will make me content. It's the way I think about those things, the way I think about life, and really the way I think about myself in the context of my life that will likely get me there. One of my favorite blogs is Leo Babauta's ZenHabits, and this post on the source of contentment from years back jumped back to mind as I started thinking about the topic. This guy Henri Nouwen talks about the answer to the question "Who am I", and the way you answer that question indicates the source of your lack of contentment...You realize that you’re defining yourself in terms of what you do, what others think of you, and what you have … and instead you think of yourself as “love” (for example). Suddenly, the need to prove yourself and do something as cool as that evaporates, and instead you can just be content with who you already are.-Leo BabautaI'm not going to fall into the trap of thinking this answer will come this year and then I'm good for life. This is a life long journey for sure, but understanding my world view, my self view, and digging deeper to find a true and sustained sense of contentment is a big project for me this year. The exercise to get me there:Seek to understand how I define myselfMeditate regularlyWrite 2x per month on how self view affects personal and professional lifeSpend time outside, aloneUse Selfchat regularly

Less Waste: How many things in your life are actually unnecessary? Any effort to simplify or to "NeatMethod" your life style will have so many positive impacts. One of which I'd like to pay more attention to in 2019 is the waste of materials from an environemental perspect. How many Amazon boxes do you toss each month? How many cups, or bottles? How much power do you waste? I have my go-to coffee mugs, and my quiver of Hydroflasks set. I'm gonna stick to filling them in the morning, asking restaurants and food trucks to use them instead of their plastic or paper cups. What will likely have a small positive impact on the environment will have a big impact on my simple, focused, and content lifestyle.

Other stuff: I'm gonna try a rotation of stuff where I focus for a month... starting with no social media in January. You won't find me on Insta, Twitter, or FB till Feb. Hit me on text if ya know me ;) And here are a few other ideas:January- no socialFebruary- no boozeMarch- journal dailyApril- clean something dailyMay- take a film photo everydayJune- read 4 booksJuly - 30 days of yogaStill working on the rest, send ideas. Much love and thanks for reading.

Happy New Years 2019!

Ryan Graves

#writing

[steamishot]

setbacks

in my last post, things between matt and i were getting better. however, he since had a 100+ hour work week, one day on days and then 7 days on nights for a consecutive 8 day workweek. he became very irritable/sensitive and impossible to communicate with (imo) which led to bad communication and useless arguments again. 

we had a couples therapy session last friday with a new therapist cindy that we both like and find helpful. she’s a POC (i believe some kind of hispanic) so it seems like she’s more understanding of the immigrant mentality. in summary of the session, i learned that i tend to have a fixer/”how can i solve the problem” mentality before offering emotional support. L has pointed this out to me recently when he was going through a hard time emotionally. he mentioned multiple times that he wants me to empathize and reassure him that everything will be okay, but i just try and ask questions or use logic to help solve what i think is the problem at hand - this makes him feel worse. 

in the case between matt and i, i become a fixer when matt has anxiety/OCD attacks or starts spiraling. i try and remove the stressor (by handling it for him), or try and talk him out of the anxiety using logic (which almost never works when he’s at what cindy calls “cloud 9″ of anxiety). this dynamic has caused me to feel depleted when dealing with matt’s anxiety/OCD and act as an enabler, almost coddling him. he depends on me more to help assuage things, which in turn makes me more irritable/short fused whenever he does have anxious spirals. i overextend myself to try and “solve” his problems, when all i should do is offer emotional support and tell him it’s going to be okay. 

cindy provided a very good analogy that really helped me put things in perspective. when matt has anxiety/OCD crises, it’s equivalent to him drowning. he is only using his reptilian brain at this point to go towards flight or fight. it has been over “small” things such as using the wrong credit card to pay for something (i.e. one would get 2% back vs 5% back as an example). would it work while he’s drowning to use logic and teach him how to get out? or is it more effective to throw a life jacket to help him ground instead? all this time, i’ve been stupidly trying to use logic and explaining to him why X is not probable/not worthy of being anxious over and probably making him feel dumb for feeling certain things. 

she explained the difference between coping and grounding. coping is the consistent activities one takes to manage their stress/anxiety: exercise, yoga, meditation, socializing, etc. grounding is what one does when they realize they their anxiety is reaching a peak. she said it is the time to use one of your 5 senses to help distract your mind from reaching “cloud 9″. this could be something like smelling a perfume you like, watching something calming, listening to something soothing, etc. 

i will need matt to really put in effort in the coping and grounding aspect, and i will also try and stop my fixer tendencies because it makes matters worse. i need to be more emotionally supportive instead of coming off as blaming when someone else is mentally suffering. 

highlights of this week off:

book of mormon BOGO broadway. i watched it in LA with my brother and his friend (coincidentally named matt) back in 2014. they have since rewrote the play. it was hilarious and very liberal. the best performers are really in nyc

my director confidentially reached out to ask if i’m interested in a payroll manager position. i thanked him for considering me and said i’m very interested. it was really happy news because i’ve been at the same position for like 4 years now and itching for a promotion lol. i’ve also been helping my manager and him with faculty payroll the last half a year or so. nothing is confirmed at this point but he and the CAO both think there is a big need for this position. they would still be supportive of my remote schedule. fingers crossed that this will come to fruition. 

autocamp trip in catskills for one night. the trip was too short but it was a super nice glamping experience. we cooked in the dark in 35F weather, got to have a nice hot shower and sleep on a tempurpedic (my fav mattress thus far). this time, we did the manager’s special at hertz and got a gigantic car - the dodge durango. 

booked roundtrip business class flights and hotels (pending 2 nights) to portugal (lisbon and porto) in march. thanks to matt’s travel hacking expertise, the roundtrip flights only cost us $900 out of pocket +220K points that i’ve been hoarding in amex. the cash price of the fights would have been $20K for the two of us. 

we decided to cancel our return stay at the equinox hotel. it would have still been ~$700 so we thought we should use it towards new experiences

loved our autocamp stay in catskills; immediately booked autocamp in cape cod for april 

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (107): Tue 28th Jun 2022

New diet started today. I weighted myself in the morning and I was 14 2 1/2 stone. To be honest given the amount of years that I've been binge eating I'm surprised I'm not morbedly obese and diabetic by now but 14 2 1/2 isn't that bad. My plan is from Monday to Saturday to eat only a bowl of cereal or breakfast biscuits in the morning, have a cup of soup at work and drink nothing but water, tea and juices. Sunday will be my reward day where I'm allowed a proper meal as a reward for not stuffing my face for a whole week. Ideally I would like to be down to 12 stone by the time I go to the Edinburgh Festival on the 9th of August. In order to do this I will have to combine the dieting with a huge amount of exercise so I'll start running again every night before I go to bed (I might do two runs on my days off, one in the morning and one at night but that's not definite yet). 12 stone might be a bit unrealistic but to be honest as long as I can put on a t-shirt without feeling like I'm trying to stuff a football into a condom then I'll be happy. Perhaps unwisely for someone who’s just started a diet I listened to a few episodes of James Acaster and Ed Gamble's podcast Off Menu where guest are invited to pick their dream menu. I thought it might be fun if I go through my dream menu and for someone with such a bland palet as me it was actually quite difficult narrowing down some of my dream meals.

Still or sparkling water: Still. The only time I drink sparkling anything is when I've got a sore throat as it works a treat. After my neck operation when my neck was sore I thought that since sparkling water was good for sore throats it should be good for sore necks too so I used to rub the sparkling water over my neck to try and help it heel. Didn't work. Just made my neck all sticky.

Popadom or bread: I would have to have a few of the little garlic breads that mam used to make whenever she'd make spaghetti or lasagna. While I despise the creator of garlic bread for inadvertently making Peter Kay a millionaire, I also fucking love the guy because garlic bread is genuinely one of mankind's greatest accomplishments.

Starter: Vegan chicken wings with hot sauce and blue cheese sauce. SInce becoming a vegetarian in 2020 I can't say I've missed meat at all because a lot of the meat free stuff you can get now is incredible. However the two things that I actually do miss and haven't been able to find a suitable substitute for have been chorizo (meat free chorizo sausages are okay but nowhere near the taste of the real thing) and the chicken wings from Wetherspoons. I don't go out on the town anymore but whenever me and the lads used to meet up for a pre-session meal I would always get the chicken wings with the hot sauce and blue cheese. I also used to get regularly mocked for the way I would eat them as I would use the fork to peel the meet off the bones instead of just sticking the wings in my mouth and biting the meat off the bones. I did this because you couldn't dip the chicken wings in the little pots with the sauces in and when you’d use the knife to spread the sauces onto the wings it would always make a gigantic mess. However when you have a plate of chicken wings in front of you and you eat them by biting the meet off the bones it feels like a gigantic meal and when you peel the meat off beforehand and see that chicken meat is mostly bone and not that much meat it makes you realize it's really not that big of a meal at all.

Main: This was the easy one. 12 inch margherita pizza with extra cheese and garlic sauce from La Dolce Vita. One of the few sources of comfort that I've had over the last shitty 10 years of my life has been beautiful pizza. I love the pizzas from this place so much that I continue to buy from them even though they were recently given a 1 star health and hygiene rating. Yes, I'm genuinely willing to risk being poisoned or finding mouse droppings in the pizza because it's so damn tasty.

Side: McDonalds fries & Halloumi cheese with peppercorn sauce & BBQ sauce. I've only recently discovered halloumi and it's pretty damn good. On Christmas day back when I used to eat meat I would have an entire bowl of pigs in blankets to myself but since I can't do this anymore I think a bowl of halloumi will make for a good substitute.

Drink: Fruit Punch Monster Energy Drink. Despite being a caffeine addict and despite my therapist recently saying to me that energy drinks were "worse than cocaine" they are fucking delicious and my dream meal wouldn't be complete without one.

Dessert: Sticky toffee pudding. I love this stuff. I love it so much that a while back I bought a sticky toffee pudding scented candle so that my room would smell of sticky toffee pudding. But then I realized how stupid this was because a better way to make my room smell of sticky toffee pudding would be to just have a sticky toffee pudding. After I finish eating them I leave the containers around for a few days afterwards so the room will continue to start smelling of sticky toffee pudding until the mold starts to form and the flies start surrounding it then I throw it away.

[pennylanefics]

Our Daughter - Paul Lahote

a/n: my first paul fic!! i have another one that’s in progress and almost done :)

•••

Emily had taken you out for a shopping day, no boys, no pack drama, just you two hanging out. The problem was, you were currently six months pregnant, so walking around for a full day took a lot out of you.

Everything with the pack has been stressful recently, and your pregnancy hasn’t exactly been easy, so she thought you just needed a day to yourselves for some retail therapy. You did end up buying lots of clothes and things for your baby, which you happened to find out the sex of it at your doctor’s appointment that morning.

Finally, as it was rolling around four in the afternoon, you made it back to Paul’s house, that you moved into with him as soon as you found out you were pregnant. Being his imprintee and all, he wanted to protect the two of you more than anything, so living with him was the best way to do so.

“Ugh, I am so tired,” you groan to yourself, setting all of the bags down in your room next to the bed. Emily also offered to come over and cook dinner for you, since Paul and Sam were on patrol until five.

Soon, Emily walks into your house and sets out all of the ingredients.

“Do you need help with anything?” You ask her. Sensing your discomfort, she forces you to sit on the couch.

“Oh no, no. I kept you out all day, you need to rest.” You hug her thankfully and head to your room to lay in bed until dinner is ready.

Paul and Sam show up an hour later at Paul’s house, Sam greeting Emily with a multitude of kisses. Upon hearing Paul’s voice, you get up slowly, your feet still hurting and the swelling in your ankles increasing with every step.

“Hi babe,” you greet him with a smile. He smiles widely to greet you, but immediately, he can sense your pain.

“What’s wrong? What hurts? Did someone get you? What’s going on, darling?” He blurts out, his hands feeling around your body to find the area that was bothering you.

“Paul, I’m fine. My feet are just killing me because we’ve been walking around all day and I’m six months pregnant. Not exactly a good combo,” you chuckle. Paul obviously doesn’t take this lightly and brings you back to his room.

“Well, lay back down and I’ll get you some ice to help with the swelling, and I’ll also rub your feet, or your back, whatever you want. And we can have dinner in here. I want you to rest,” he babbles. You can’t help but giggle and grab his hands, keeping him calm in the moment.

“Babe, please calm down for just a second. I’m fine. I would still have swollen ankles if I wasn’t out walking all day. Plus my doctor says exercise is good.”

“Yeah, exercise isn’t walking around a shopping mall for five hours!”

“I didn’t just buy stuff for me, I bought stuff for our little girl!” You spoil. Your eyes go wide and your jaw drops. You were going to plan this whole thing for him to tell him the sex of your baby, but you ruined it all.

“Shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that yet, I-”

“We’re having a girl?” He wonders, the hurt and concern gone as the news is revealed.

“Yeah,” you laugh excitedly, cupping his cheeks and kissing him. He is still so in shock that when you pull away, his jaw drops.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it,” he whispers against your lips, his forehead still on yours. “We’re having a girl.”

“I know.” You can’t help but begin to tear up at his reaction. You loved him so much and the imprinting made it so much stronger. Everything you felt for him was much more intensified. Seeing him so happy made your heart soar.

“You wanna see what I bought her?” You wonder. Paul nods enthusiastically and takes a seat on the bed while you grab the bag from the baby store.

You spend the next twenty minutes showing him all the baby clothes you got, going over what exactly made you want to get it and if it reminded you of anything. Paul let you talk and stayed quiet, a content look on his face as he listened.

You also showed him everything that you got for yourself, and Paul still didn’t mind one bit; he could listen to you talk for forever.

“Why don’t you lay back for now, alright?” He tells you, gently pushing you to lay down once you put all of the things you bought away.

“Baby, I said I’m okay.”

“I know you did, but I can tell you’re still in pain. And you deserve rest, you’re carrying our daughter,” a fond smile makes its way onto his face, his hand rubbing over your bump.

You sigh and give in, laying up against the pillows and kicking your legs out. Paul stays put beside you, his hand falling to your stomach.

“Hey, dinner’s ready,” Emily says from the other side of the door with a quiet knock. You start to get up, but Paul pushes you to remain laying down.

“I’ll get you a plate, just, please rest,” he begs. You grin and nod, eyes falling closed. When Paul finally leaves, you turn the TV on and relax for the first time in hours. Moments later, Paul returns with a plate in his hand and a glass of water. He sets the plate down on your lap and puts the glass on your bedside table.

He leaves once more to grab his own food, then finally settles into bed next to you.

“You know, you can go out there and eat with Sam and Emily,” you tell Paul. He shakes his head and kisses your temple after swallowing the bite of food in his mouth.

“I haven’t seen you all day, and I could use a break from Sam,” he groans. You giggle and smack his leg.

“Did you tell them the news yet?” He glances at you, confused.

“The news that you’re pregnant? I mean, if they don’t know by now, that’s on them,” he says. You smack his leg again.

“I meant that we’re having a girl.”

“Oh, no. But didn’t you tell Emily already? And I’m guessing Sam picked through my thoughts and found out, so why should we tell them again?”

“I didn’t tell Emily because I wanted you to be the first person to know, and because they deserve to know from us personally instead of Sam listening in on your thoughts.” Paul’s expression softens when you tell him the first part.

“Fine. But let’s wait a little longer. I wanna relish being the only one who knows.”

You two continue eating and when you finish, Paul helps you out of bed, being sure to keep an arm wrapped around you the entire time you walk to the kitchen.

“Babe, I’m fine, you can let me go,” you chuckle, pushing away from him to set your dishes in the sink.

“There’s some news we wanted to share,” Paul smiles at the two guests.

“Let me guess, (Y/N)’s pregnant,” Sam jokes. You giggle and rejoin your boyfriend’s side.

“Well, she’s pregnant with our daughter,” he says, smiling down at you before sharing a kiss.

Emily and Sam immediately congratulate the both of you with hugs and belly rubs.

After things calm down, Emily starts cleaning the dishes for you while Sam and Paul talk over some things and before you know it, you and Paul are left alone for the night.

“I need to take a shower,” you groan, standing up from the couch.

“Hey, hey. I’ll run you a bath instead,” he offers. You smile up at him.

“That sounds great. Would you join me then?” Paul smirks, many thoughts running through his head, but he knows you mean it in an innocent way.

“Of course, baby.”

After the tub was filled, the bubbles were added, bath salts were dissolved, soft music was playing from Paul’s phone, and candles were lit. He helped you get undressed and carefully step into the tub.

He got in moments later, laying behind you so you could lay against his chest. Instinctively, his hands cradled your belly, his head falling to your shoulder.

“I’m so excited for her to get here,” he whispers in your ear, placing soft kisses along the shell of it before moving onto your neck.

“She’s definitely going to be spoiled. I know you’re going to be an amazing father.”

“And you’re going to be such a great mother.”

The rest of the bath was very relaxing, Paul keeping his hands on your stomach, singing along softly in your ear, and giving your shoulder and neck kisses whenever he felt like it.

Once you both were dried off and ready for bed, you slip in a t-shirt of Paul’s, as it was much more comfy and roomy to sleep in. Paul admires you as you do so, waiting for you to lay next to him.

When you finally settle against his body, he wraps you in a hug, kissing all over your face.

“I love you, I love you, I love you so fucking much,” he mumbles between each kiss. A loud giggle escapes your lips as his lips tickle your skin.

“Okay, okay! If you don’t stop, I am going to wet myself.” Upon hearing this, Paul stops right away and holds his hands up in defense.

“Alright. I don’t want that happening.”

“Blame our daughter, she’s pressing into my bladder constantly,” you chuckle.

Finally, Paul relaxes, lifting your shirt up to bare your bump, his warm hands running all over it. It’s a calming gesture, the mixture of his soft touch and his werewolf-heat allowing you to feel somewhat content.

“I want to name her Harlow,” Paul whispers, keeping his eyes on where your daughter was kicking at his hand.

He’s been thinking about names a lot recently, for both a boy and a girl. It was starting to annoy the pack that he was on patrol with. When nothing was going on, he would just run over names in his mind, trying to figure out what would fit best with both of your last names.

“Harlow,” you repeat the name. “Harlow Lahote.” Paul gazes up at you in shock. You two hadn’t talked about whether you would take his last name or not. Though you were his imprint, you weren’t married, and haven’t really been dating for too long, only a year so far.

“You want her to take my last name?” He confirms with a smile slowly tugging at the corners of his lips.

“Well yeah. I’m your imprint so obviously we’re going to be together for a long time. Doesn’t matter if we’re not married now, we’re going to get married in the future. I love you and I want her to have your...our last name.”

“Our last name, huh?” He smirks. “Are you saying you’ll marry me?”

“That’s me giving you the opportunity to propose,” you raise your eyebrows.

“Will you marry me?” He understands exactly what you want. “I don’t even have a ring though, so let me…” he stands to find something, but before he can successfully get anything that would work, you reach over to the tiny bag on your nightstand and produce a small box.

While shopping today, you and Emily got to talking about getting married. She gave you the idea of buying a band for Paul and proposing to him. At first, you were kind of on the fence about it, but after some thought, you didn’t see any harm in doing so.

“Babe?” You interrupt his searching. The sound of your voice makes him whip around back to you, his eyes widening when he sees the box open, with a simple black band inside.

“Will you marry me, Paul Lahote?” You ask with a teasing smile. For a moment, he’s upset that you’re actually proposing to him, but he soon gets over it and sits back down.

“Yes I will, my love,” he says with a huge grin. He kisses you sweetly, grabbing the back of your neck to keep you close.

“Can’t believe you beat me,” he feigns sadness, but soon breaks it with a laugh, pushing you to lay down so he can hover over you.

“Blame Emily. She’s the one who suggested it.” Paul shakes his head and kisses you once more.

“I think I’m missing an important part,” you interrupt. He raises his eyebrows at you, and you remove the ring from the box, patting his chest so he will sit up and off of you.

You take his left hand and slide the ring onto his finger, finding that it’s a perfect fit.

“Shit. I never thought I’d be the one proposed to, but damn, I get how women feel now,” he tells you, chuckling and turning the ring around his finger, examining how it looks.

“We’re not exactly a traditional couple, seeing as you are a wolf shapeshifter, so why not break more traditions?” You joke.

“I liked it. Sweet, to the point, and, we are by ourselves.”

“By ourselves and one unborn,” you add. Paul laughs and moves down your body so that he’s face to face with your stomach.

“Our beautiful baby girl. We can’t wait for you to get here,” he says to your bump. “Harlow Lily Lahote.”

“Harlow Lily Lahote,” you say the full name to yourself. Paul had just randomly chosen Lily just now, feeling like it went well together. His lips pepper kisses all over your bump, being ever so tender and loving.

“My girls. I can’t wait until our family is complete.”

#paul lahote #paul lahote imagines #paul lahote imagine #paul lahote x reader #twilight #twilight new moon #twilight eclipse #twilight saga #wolf pack #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

[marwankenzarisgaylittleearring]

“I’d like to end up as a tree”

Marwan kenzari (31) won a gold calf last year for his role in the movie Wolf. As of next week he is to be seen in Bloedlink (/reckless), opening’s act of the Dutch film festival. “It’s not my place to say I’m good.”

Bloedlink

“Acting offers the chance to become well acquainted with the complexities of being human. The Moroccan kick-boxer Majid in the movie Wolf had a fascinating interior life. His character was even easier to understand when he said nothing at all - I don’t think I’ve ever had as little lines in a movie. Rico in Bloedlink is completely different. He accidentally finds himself swept up in criminal business, but he’s actually just someone who’s had a whole slew of bad luck. In the movie his character undergoes a few very surprising U-turns. In my portrayal of him, I interpret all those different sides as honest, I find that interesting. In the movie, Rico does some paradoxical things, but he means all of them. Of course that’s simply not possible. That’s what makes him fascinating and tragic.”

Journey

“If I’m a good actor? That’s not my place to say. Sometimes you do the most interesting things you think are worthless in the moment. A movie is a collaborative journey, which, in the case of Wolf, I underwent with director Jim Taihuttu among others. Although I secretly did think during shooting: this will be fun. Wolf is an honest movie. The kick-boxing, the hits to the body, very little of that is pretend. Not that everything should be real in a movie, but this story required that. At a certain point I felt: this could be something really fresh in Dutch cinema. And it was.”

Peanut Butter

“Ever since that role, which I trained for quite extensively, I’ve found it increasingly important to stay in shape. It wasn’t a complete transformation; even beforehand I would exercise six times a week. But now I’m slightly addicted, yeah. It makes you mentally stronger, too. If I’ve been training on a Sunday at 7 am and then at 8 am I’m outside again, showered, refreshed and in shape while the rest of the city’s asleep, I’m 1-0 ahead. Scratch that: 10-0. I pay attention to my nutrition as well. Bread for example gives false energy. But I’m not always so strict. I get plenty of enjoyment from a good, white slice of bread with calvé peanut butter. And then fold it over, don’t cut it! You shouldn’t cut a sandwich, everyone knows that. Then you miss the first bite.”

Toneelgroep Amsterdam

“After the acting academy in Maastricht I was immediately invited to Toneelgroep Amsterdam. I was with them for three years, but found my attentions pulled towards film during that period. When the actors from TGA are - rightfully - expected to be fully available. We “broke up”, though that sounds too serious, with full, mutual agreement. I see the company as family and will be playing in Angels in America at the end of the month, in New York. Director Ivo van Hove has been very important for my development. I admire his knowing exactly what he wants, but also his ability to be unsure and searching, and to be able to be vulnerable about that. But I have to be fair to myself. I’m 31 now, and these are my most important years in film. While I hope to be an even better stage-actor when I’m fifty. I’m slightly further ahead in film than on stage. That development is tougher, needs more time and possibly total dedication. Stage is the motor in the actor’s car; film is a different muscle. But if Ivo calls me in two, or ten or forty years, he’ll be the first stage director I’ll say yes to.”

Pierre Bokma

“As the son of Tunisian parents in the Hague painters-quarter I didn’t come into automatic contact with theatre. As a kid I was mostly interested in football, the emotion you see on a player’s face when he scores - fantastic. At a certain point I realised that movies can affect you the same way, even though you know it’s fake. That’s the magic of acting. Through contacts I ended up with De Nieuwe Amsterdam, an in-between theatre course for teens for whom the leap to theatre school was perhaps a bit too big. I learned everything there: playwrights, Dutch actors, repertoire. You’re also taught which acting schools exist. And I thought: where did Pierre Bokma go to school? And Fedja van Huêt? That was Maastricht. It also appealed to me that they implemented Bijltjesdag: you might still be sent away halfway through the first year. I decided: if I’m going for this uncertain profession, maybe the best trial by fire will be going to a school where you aren’t sure if you’ll be allowed to stay. I was allowed, in the end. At the theatre academy I came into contact with art, philosophy, poetry. All of that was new. But it didn’t feel as if I was behind, I only saw it as a fantastic source of riches; as if I could try on all sorts of new glasses.”

Huntersfamily

“I never thought that this path wasn’t laid out for me, I just always let myself be lead by my passion and my dreams. My parents are happy for me; I have a good connection with both. My father is an amazing person - an accumulation of beautiful ingredients. He’s honest with himself, doesn’t spare himself and laughs a lot, that’s important to me. He might be made out of simple components, he’s from a huntersfamily, but for me these are the components that build a strong character. My dad can tell beautiful stories, about his life in Tunisia, about his old friends who aren’t with us anymore. Every year death takes someone new, and in that way a beautiful group of people slowly disappears, the protagonists of a generation. One lives close to the elements there, I find that fascinating. It’s so different to our life here. I’ll also never interrupt my dad when he starts on a story like that. Even if I’ve heard it before.”

Vampire

“I’ve always said: I want to play a woman, a vampire, a Moroccan kick-boxer. I’ve succeeded in doing the last one. A vampire is a wonderful character. The beauty of their faces, the sensuality, the tragedy of never going outside during the day, and of course their never ageing; never dying, in fact. I’d like to never die. When I was a kid, I suffered a lot of nightmares. About falling and never landing. I had a hard time in the dream world, I wasn’t a big fan of night. It was, I think, a sort of inexplicable fear of dying. At a certain moment I grew familiar with those dreams, figured out how to influence them. I could for all intents and purposes check-out whenever it became scary. I became the director of my own dream world. When I was twelve, I fell in love, and then I was over it. I still have nightmares, like everyone else, but now I find them fascinating instead of threatening. Beautiful how your mind can make a story out of all sorts of ingredients. Sometimes I call my mother to talk about what a dream might mean. For example, I recently dreamt about my grandmother. ‘She thinks about you and loves you,’ my mother says.”

Tree

“I still know fear and uncertainty, but they don’t hinder me anymore. They’re two trusted companions now, who walk with me. They keep me sharp and hungry, and in a good way, they keep me on my toes. As long as they don’t hold me back, they can be here. Fear of dying is now simply fear of no longer living. If a way to live until you’re 377 is discovered tomorrow, I’ll be the first to sign up. I’d like to end up as a tree. Then you only need to have a care for wind, rain and sun.”

#anon come get ur interview !!! translated this first one & i'll get to work on the other ones for u mwah mwah #marwan kenzari #i also will be honest that i do not know if 'moroccan' is supposed to be capitalised i thought it was but if its not thats on me #idk how else to tag this. also i love him. also i love doing translation work bc sometimes it does not work out but usually it just allows #me to flaunt the nuance of language i guess #translation* #starting a collection ladies

[dotthemagpie]

A weather-beaten Journal

The world gone to shit, it has Fallen.

A virus have knocked out most of the humanity and in a bid to survive had to fall into “serfdom".

The monsters starts to live out on Farms, and our favorite have one such farm.

The virus that knocked out humanity have the potential to turn monsters Feral, making them more like beasts than Monsters.

One day a servant finds a red and black journal, stained with yellow spots and smelling vaguely of mustard.

Since she was done with her tasks for today she decided to find a secluded corner and started to read.

Dec 16th, 6 years after the Fall

** **

My bro got the virus. He have been trying to hide it, trying his best to control himself, but today he lashed out and killed five servants when they got on his nerves. He growled and snarled like a beast, using his fang to tear out the throat of two of them before tearing the other three apart._

It is soulrending to see him act like this. He has already chosen a spot for himself in the barn, making himself a proper den before he loses his mind to his feral side. (There are smudges on a few words, as if tears had fallen while the person were writing it.)

…We are eating lasagna tonight, and it is the tastiest lasagna I have ever eaten. It seems like my bro have suddenly become the perfect chef. Not even Black, the critical fucker were praising the food a lot. Puzzle even said that he could never make a lasagna as good as that.

Skull devoured one and a half himself and pouted like a wounded puppy when he didn’t get any more.

My bro was so proud.

**Dec 20, 6 atf **

He tried to attack Blue today. Went right for his soul. Stretch almost killed him, and I had to beat the fucker until he learned that no one touches my lil’ bro. Blue just brushed it off like the damn tank he is, saying that it was his fault for getting too close to his room.

We had a meeting afterwards. Vanilla said that bro had to stay in the barn from now on. I almost beat the bastard, but I can’t deny it any longer. Edge has turned completely Feral. 

(There are a few more blotches of faded tears on the edge of the page.)

** Dec 22, 6 atf **

The snow falling is nostalgic, although it is white instead of gray like it was Underground. Edge has settled in the pen, only letting me, Papyrus or Puzzle close. Papyrus is a literal ray of sunshine that he somehow tolerates, and he seem almost afraid of Puzzle, even though he is the kindest of them all. 

He seems to remember who we are, but it is if he is more instinct than monster now. No wonder we call it the Feral Virus. Humans often die when they get it, but if they survive they turn immune. 

** Dec 23, 6 atf **

Those fucking slaves. Throwing shit and manure on my bro? They have a fucking death wish.

I now know why my bro always been so nervous around Puzzle. Watching that smiling tall freak cut the throats of those humans like they were cattle shows how different he actually is from Papyrus.

I almost forget how both he and Skull survived a hell that was far worse than me and my bro lived through.

We gave the last slave that acted up, the leader to Edge. It was… liberating watching him play with him like a cat does with a mouse. I made all the servants watch, to show them what happens when they think that our kindness is a sign of weakness.

**Dec 24, 6 atf **

Merry fucking Gyftmas.

** Feb 12, 7 atf **

Black got himself a Pet. A cute little thing with attitude like no other. He seem to enjoy the distraction, and her need for cleanliness around her seem to get his approval.

Heh, he almost tried to kill me when I started to flirt with her. Fine fine, I get it, she is yours you caffeinated, uppity bitch. 

** July 2nd, 7 atf **

Skull is turning Feral. It was hard noticing due to his wound and how quiet he tends to be, but he has become more and more territorial recently, and he even tried to bite Rus when he shortcutted too close to him.

Vanilla and I started looking for a cure the moment Edge started to show symptoms, but we had no headway so far.

**July 4th, 7 atf **

… I saw Puzzle cry in the kitchen last night when I went to look for some mustard. Black was there, trying his best to comfort him.

…I understand how he feels. When I visit my bro it feels like he doesn’t truly recognize me anymore. It hurts my soul.

July 15th, 7 atf

Skull moved into the barn. He took the largest one, as far away from Edge as possible, in order to not start any fights.

Smart of him, because my bro is territorial to a fault.

In other news, my bro has allowed Blue into the pen, and seems to enjoy his company from time to time.

Blue has decided to become the one to care for those that turn Feral, like the fucking goody two shoes he is.

Of course Stretch did not like this, and for the first time I saw them fight, loudly. Stretch hasn’t left the sheep pen in two days since the fight.

Rus and Puzzle delivers food to him, but when they come back they look like he had been mean as fuck to them.

Maybe I should tell Skull that Stretch has been cursing out Puzzle. He hasn’t turned completely Feral yet, and it would be good for the research… and put that lanky fucker down a few pegs….

Fucking Vanilla laughed at the idea, but said it would not be good if Stretch died. I don’t want to take care of the sheep, they freak me out, and Sans is always stuck in his lab, so he can live.

Aug 14th, 7 atf

…I think I am turning Feral.

There is a urge in my mind, like a fire of… something in my mind.

I told Vanilla, and he seemed to age in front of my eyes. He asked me to fight it as long as possible, and write down all the symptoms that I get.

I have already started a separate journal, writing down everything that happens to me.

I hope that it will help in some way at least.

I am going to treat this like a extra long vacation, if anything I will be finally sleeping as much as I want.

Although if Blue tries to do those exercises he does with Edge I will fucking blast him to pieces. 

 sep 3rd, 7 atf 

…I have to move to the barn.

I am nearing my heat, and I almost went after Black’s Pet.

I held myself back before I did anything, with the help of Puzzle distracting me with his talk about food.

The girl is a sweet one, giving Black the peace he needed from that Hell Underground we both have lived through.

I may be a asshole, but I would never hurt his beloved little Pet willingly. Not even I would go so far.

Luckily she sees me like the perverted, teasing other master, and I will make sure that is how she will remember the non feral me.

If you ever read this girlie, know that what I do as a Feral is not the real me. I would never hurt family by my own will.

sep 9th, 7 atf

This will be my last entry in this journal.

I have chosen my pen and renovated it to my liking.

I took the one between my bro and Skull, because I have to be close to my bro, and I don’t mind Skull. 

There is splotches of tears on this page.)I will never admit it, but I am scared of losing myself. What if that vanilla bastard never finds a cure? What if he gives up? What if I hurt anyone? What if I dust myself, or my own brother?

I hope when I return from my “vacation”, it won’t be too far in the future. One of the few perks being a Boss monster, not aging until we die.

Red out, going on vacation.

#Exerpt from my RP #The Ranch #I have sucky naming Sense #Dot Writes Short Snippets #The Journals #Undertale #Sans #Red #underfell sans #Underfell Papyrus #How do I even post on this hellsite

[dornish-queen]

GQ MEXICO - PEDRO PASCAL 2021

It seems that Pedro Pascal is in all possible universes. Here and there. In the past, in the present, and in galaxies far, far away. Today, the actor is considered the great entertainment reference and one of those in charge of saving a franchise that seemed lost. Enough reasons to talk exclusively about discipline, gastronomy, creeds and how he traumatized his father in 30 seconds.

The RAE defines 'creed' as the set of ideas, principles or convictions of a person or a group. For example, by creed, one can leave his country and be in exile. It happens that one can leave the loved one behind. Or simply live in another reality. And also one can put on a helmet to pretend never to take it off again. If that is the path to follow, the creed says that it must be done with the profession of faith and without stopping to look. Turning the pages of the script for The Mandalorian , the Disney + series that revived passion and nostalgia for the Star Wars franchise , Pedro Pascal came across this definition in every dialogue and moment, and reflection carved his way.

More than two decades have passed since the Chilean-American, Pedro Pascal, began his acting career and today, named as the great reference of 2020 , he misses the theater and it still hurts him not to have the discipline to exercise and maintain a diet sana while acknowledging the irony of having the best year of her career in the midst of one of the worst in recent history. But even in physical solitude, the man who carried the best-selling Christmas baby rescues many positive things and shares his vision of the universes he has traveled through, his passion for distant galaxies and how to traumatize your family with a simple scene of TV. In an interview, the Mandalorian of Latinamerica.

IMDB named you the 2020 benchmark in entertainment, a year in which the world took refuge in fiction. How was living your best time locked up and what do you rescue on a human level from it?

The strength of family relationships and friendship. For them, we endure this physical loneliness. I do find it ironic that in 2020 I received projects so well received by the public, although they were carried out before the pandemic and their impact was during it, and that year I was isolated and alone. But I must emphasize that this loneliness is a privilege when many people had to continue working, surviving and maintaining the functioning of the world. We only had to be alone, but they more than that and you must value it too.

Among the activities you have missed, how much do you miss the theater?

Much indeed. It's something that I miss the most and being with people without being afraid. See a play and return to those experiences of being with people doing and living things in common. That is what I need most, in addition to my loved ones.

Disney fully entered streaming and its strong letter has your face, what do you think of the discussion of platforms against movie theaters?

There are incredible things in streaming and many people develop great projects that they did not have access to before. The diversity of voices is gaining ground and it is important to recognize that opportunities grow exponentially and boundaries change. It is incredible the availability that we have to very well made content and how creative people can share their work in different ways. But I also want to be honest: limiting the experience of watching content only on our gadgets or at home is a mistake that affects the stories we can tell. You have to achieve a mix of opportunities and challenges.

You jump between the fictional universes that mark the last decades until you reach the universe of universes. What is your first Star Wars memory and how do you summarize the essence of this legendary story?

For me, Star Wars is nostalgia itself. It is one of the primary things in my memory, of my childhood. I came to the United States with my Chilean family when I was less than two years old and one of my first memories is going to the movies with my dad to see the saga ; it becomes one of those romantic childhood things that opens your mind, so imagine how special it is to participate in this project. I think the creators of The Mandalorian perfectly understand this nostalgia and that power, and they managed to count on that element as a great ally for the world of Star Wars and I couldn't be happier to be part of it. (From which we expect the third season The Mandalorian)

The Mandalorian exploits the power and nuances of your voice, did you have that letter on your resume?

I didn't know I could do it, but I resorted to my theater preparation, which was very physical on all levels and feelings. There are elements that have to do with and that are essential to create a role, and they teach you that the voice is something primary, something you have to start with and you cannot hide. Now I have learned much more about the importance of that, and how to use it economically. The body also has to do with that, because something very subtle communicates something. In The Mandalorian , I had a great time figuring out how to do it, they gave me the opportunity to develop it in different ways. The opportunity to be very intense at it.

What happens to the ego when someone works under a suit and a mask?

In the conversations about the project, before doing it, we were communicated the idea and the concept of the entire season , so I clearly understood what it was. I wanted it to be the most powerful version of what they were trying to accomplish, so there was no point in involving my ego, you know? It was already very clear what the project meant, so I knew about the character , the piece that it represented for him and the opportunity that it was for me, so I was only focused on executing in a better way the part that touched me in everything this. In the theater, I worked several times under a mask and it helped me develop the experience.

It seems that The Mandalorian has a very theatrical base ...

Exactly, and thanks to the physical experience of working in theater, doing a play a few times a week, discovering how your body and your voice communicate , being part of a whole image, and how you will tell that story visually, I achieved this character. I never imagined that it would be something I would have to use on such an important Star Wars project .

On the list of entertainment greats, there are names like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, do you think John Favreau should be added to the list?

I think your name is already included. Without a doubt, it is in that category and it is incredible. His vision fascinates me. I remember an episode in the second season , and I had some boots and I walked so much in the snow, it stuck to them. He figured it out, so he talked to the art department about the kind of boots you need when you're out in the snow. They approached me and gave me new ones that fulfilled the idea I was looking for. He noticed it in an instant. It is such a wonderful detail and it is repeated to scale in every session with him. He thinks of absolutely everything and his vision of the use of technology is admirable. He is someone who makes you feel motivated and always sees how to achieve the goal.

One of the reflections in the series is on how and under what circumstances a man can break his creed and way of life. What makes you break with your beliefs?

I think that you must follow your heart so as not to regret anything; Although sometimes it brings pain or conflict, deep down when you look back, everything is worth it because it was what you heard in your heart. I am very afraid to deny that feeling or not to attend to it. I am 45 years old now and I cannot believe I have a finer philosophy. Make it more disciplined. It's ridiculous, but I'm trying to accept that I am and it's all I can say, "follow your heart." Although, you know, I'm not on a good diet yet, I still have trouble sleeping or exercising.

Still good at Chilean empanadas?

Yes, I couldn't stop. And also how good that I do not live in Mexico City because I would only spend it eating. I could move my whole life to defe just to eat.

I want to deviate and ask you, with whom did you see the chapter of your death in Game of Thrones and what traumas did you cause in your family?

For me, no trauma. I separate myself well from the characters , although I fully understand that if I were a Game of Thrones audience and loved that character, it would make an incredible impression on me. Thank you that it was not. I had to interpret it and there was a model of my head to be crushed that way with the tubes and the fake blood, you know? Me lying there, with pieces of my meat, it was funny in the end. But not for my family. For them there is nothing funny but traumatic. My dad's voice changed completely when we saw the episode, he turned around and said: “I didn't like it, Pedro . No, Pedro , not this ”.

The media found similarities between your villain in Wonder Woman: 1984 and Donald Trump. When playing a character with characteristics like this, do you humanize him or do you understand him?

The project had nothing to do with the former president. They always told me that my character in Wonder Woman: 1984 was emotionally messy, and I took that and took that as far as possible. Instead of creating it with images or certain inspirations from life, it was more to work with what was on the page. Personally, what made sense to me is the size of the story that is being told and there is always more, and we all want more. Creatively, if this makes sense, that meant "blowing her out of the park." Connect a hit with the character and be committed to telling his story faithfully, in a way that was true to me. So all the exterior elements found their way.

What a way to start 2021 with the theme of the Capitol ... How do you perceive that moment?

I am not a politician and it is not that I do not have an opinion about this type of event; however, it is not necessary to state the obvious. My opinion would be very simple compared to that of a person who studied this, who knows how to act in these kinds of scenarios; I believe that I am next to the majority who experienced this, which is the logical result of what we have experienced during these years and we are all horrified . It was distressing to see this violence.

If you had the monolith in your hands, what would your wish be?

My wish would be… it's impossible, really (laughs). I think it is to be together again, with less fear and that people have the opportunity to connect.

What is your position on the reality that Chile has experienced in recent years and how has the relationship with your country been since exile?

It is something that I am developing and I continue to do in my life, trying to understand that it is my home. To be in Chile is to be at home, but my life has been very nomadic, living different things and having many influences; so it is strange, I do not feel with the title of a complete Chilean identity nor with an American one.

Neither here nor there?

In a sense, but I'm also completely both. My parents are Chilean , my brothers were born there before my parents traveled, and I came back sometimes because my family is very large; in fact, my parents came back. It has always been there, it continues to develop, and it will be a part of me. I don't know if it answers your question, but it has a lot to do with who I am.

What is your relationship with Latin American cinema? Are you interested?

Much, it has invaded me in life like American cinema. The movies that I carry in my heart, seeing something like Y tu mama was also something that changed me; I also love the work that comes out of Chile , and the only thing I can say is that it is a cinema that needs more access and projects.

Today you have a comedy with Nicolas Cage on the door, can you tell us something?

It's my first shot at comedy , as a complete story within the genre. Speaking of American influences , in the 80s I saw all the films where Nicolas Cage appeared , he came into my life and it's great to be his partner after seeing all his performances.

How is the relationship you have with the comedy genre?

I love it, I have done a lot of comedy in the theater, what happens is that in film and television issues , I was always part of drama castings . And in the cinema, you go where the doors open; Although I identify with one or the other, I think that being an actor , one goes and does what one has to do. Comedy is something unique, it is very challenging because it must be very real to be funny, you cannot hide or use normal tricks. I was very excited to have this challenge in front of a camera.

Finally, Pedro, after going through so many fictional worlds, literally, what do you dream about when you sleep?

I dream that my bathroom is dirty, that I haven't done my math homework, that the oven is on and all that stuff. Sure, there are times when I close my eyes and see myself in all these projects , although my conscience is with the anxieties of the day that you can imagine.

Without a doubt, Pedro Pascal is a particular type .

English Tranlation: Google Translate

SOURCE:  GQ MEXICO

#pedro pascal #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #gq mexico #Articles

[marianarira]

How Art Challenges Made Me a Better Artist

(Watch the YouTube video!)

There are tons of different art challenges; I think there's a popular challenge every month—Inktober, plain airpril, creatuanuary, huevember, mermay, to name a few. Usually, influencer artists start a challenge with a hashtag. And it spreads throughout the community.

Participating in art challenges has become almost a norm, especially in recent years. And there are benefits in doing so: 

You become part of the artists' community. 

If your work is good enough, you can have exposure and grow your audience. 

You can experiment and try new things.

And last but not least, you have fun. 

They are also supposed to encourage people to draw every day and become better artists by improving their skills. (I'm not sure about this one, but I'll get back to it later.)

On the opposite side, I've seen artists, even professional ones, resist participating in these hashtag art challenges. So let's look at the disadvantages: 

There's pressure to draw every day, and if you skip one, then there's a feeling of failure.

There's also a direct comparison with amazing artists, and for some of us, that can be discouraging. 

Another negative I've seen recently is the obsession with getting followers and growing an audience. Of course, I understand the interest in that; we all want an audience. Still, I've seen artists, beginners especially, focusing on the followers more than on their drawing skills.

I think the most significant disadvantage, and this is something that happens to me, so I know this by experience. Is that, I would prepare myself to draw daily for one month. I would accomplish the 30 or 31 drawings and be happy with my results, but then, when the challenge was over, I wouldn't draw. Instead of being constant with my practice and growth, I would grind during that particular month and never grind the same for the rest of the year. I was treating drawing as a sprint when it's a marathon.

Looking at the "improving your skills" benefit and the disadvantages. I think there are better ways to improve and be a better artist. Don't get me wrong, the act alone of drawing every day will make you progress. It's just that I don't think these particular challenges are very beginner-friendly. 

Introduciiiiing the "Make Your Own Personal Challenge"... Challenge!

Anybody can create their own challenge, and you can choose to share or not your results on social media. You don't need to be a professional artist, you don't need to be popular, and your challenge can be whatever you want. For example, look at this Haikyuu themed challenge. So just like you can make a challenge to satisfy your love for an IP and draw fan-arts during a month. You can also make a personal challenge to focus on improving what you want and need. 

That's what I did on my Drawing Leveling Up challenge. I don't intend for other artists to follow it. It doesn't have a theme; it's not a hashtag with prompts. When I started it, I had no idea where it was going. If you see the videos, you'll notice that I change my mind from one day to the next. I just wanted to improve my anatomy drawing, and I wanted to do it as fast as possible. Committing to a challenge was the best way I found to force myself to study daily.

I want to show you the challenge an animator did: zoray99 on Instagram.  They uploaded a daily animation exercise throughout a whole year. It was rough, focused on learning and improving. Look how simple this day's animation is, they wanted to really understand what was happening here.  Doing that for a whole year is impressive, and I'm guessing Zoray feels satisfied with the achievement, but more importantly, how much they learned. 

So if you're a beginner artist and the well-known hashtag art challenges overwhelm you, you can create your challenge to improve at your own pace. You only have to set up doable boundaries:

The first you need is a time limit; this is important because the ending and objective are not clear without a time limit, affecting your commitment and confidence. For a daily challenge, a month would be ideal. But you can also choose to draw every other day instead of daily. You can also say something like, "I'll draw daily on this sketchbook with a 15-minute time limit until I finish it." Those boundaries are helpful because maybe you don't have a lot of time to spend on drawing.

Another useful boundary is a prompt list. Sometimes we spend more time thinking about what to draw than drawing. If you want to evolve as an artist, I recommend following a book and study from it. Or you can focus on a specific study subject you want to improve, like "sketching backgrounds for 15 days". 

Another thing is that, for hashtag challenges, most of us try to make finished illustrations with ink and color and everything. So you can also determine how far you want to go with each drawing, simple sketches, ink, and painting? You decide.

My personal challenge's boundaries were: drawing daily for 30 days following the lessons and tutorials of artists on youtube. That way, I didn't have to think about what to draw, the "prompts" were their videos, and also, my sketches didn't even need to be clean. This challenge's purpose was to study.

The best part is that you control your challenge and improvement. If there are things you struggle with, you can repeat and practice them more. You can also slowly increase the difficulty. That's what I did when I implemented the animated anatomy studies. 

With a personal challenge, you can focus on self-growth. And leave the hashtag challenges to have fun, experiment, and be part of the community.

Ok, but does making a personal challenge help you improve? Mine finished on May 30. Am I a better artist now?

To measure my drawing improvement, I made some life drawing exercises in "class" format, and then without a time limit, I drew some poses from my imagination. Comparing them to day 11 and day 16 of my challenge, I think I improved a little, drawing-wise speaking. 

The biggest difference is not in my skills, though. It's in my mindset. I feel the challenge made me feel better while drawing. I feel less stressed and with more confidence. I am still doing the anatomy animations I started on day 21, even though the daily challenge ended. So it also gave me the boost I needed to keep grinding forward. Like a marathon, not a sprint. And that's what matters the most. 

If you feel artistically stuck, or you're not enjoying drawing as much as you once did, or you want to polish your skills or learn something new, you can make a personal challenge and focus it on self-improvement. It's hugely motivating for other artists and me to see someone challenging themself, and coming out better. 

#script #youtube video #art challenge #artists on tumblr #art improvement

[kozumekenza]

on my mind :: seven

:: suna rintarou x f!reader :: playlist :: masterlist ::

:: taglist: open :: wc: 1.8k ::

After a drunken one-night stand with your ex, you thought you could get him out of your life for good. Unfortunately, the two of you can’t seem to keep away from each other. Why can’t you leave each other alone? And more importantly, why is he still on your mind?

tw: alcohol, profanity, gets a bit nsfw at the beginning, implications of sex

“Do you wanna come inside?”

Your voice may have been slightly pleading, but you didn’t care. You wanted to have this conversation with Suna, wanted to tell him how you felt, wanted to wake up next to him tomorrow morning and all the mornings after. 

“Are you sure?” Suna seemed hesitant, and you knew why. He knew that by inviting him in, you were inviting him to a conversation about your relationship.

You nodded your head and unlocked the door to your apartment. You poured two glasses of wine and then found yourself in a familiar position; you sitting at one end of the couch, Suna on the other.

“You probably know why I asked you to come in,” you said, sliding one of the glasses down the coffee table towards Suna. He nodded, and you continued. “I really wanted to wait until after the Olympics, so I wouldn’t be distracting you, but I just can’t wait any longer.” You looked him in the eye before continuing. “I love you, Rintarou, and I can’t wait any longer to tell you. I want to be with you, I want to go with you back to EJP, if you’ll have-”

Your words were cut off by a very enthusiastic Suna who had dove across the couch to capture your lips with his. You kissed him back passionately, until he pulled away to whisper to you. 

“Of course I want you to come to EJP with me. I want it to be you.” You giggled somewhat childishly, allowing yourself to be caught up in the sheer happiness of the moment. You could feel Suna’s smile against your lips, his hands roaming across your body. 

“Do you wanna stay the night?”

Suna nodded enthusiastically, pulling you up from the couch. You led the way to the bedroom, tugging Suna’s hand and leaving the half-empty wine glasses on the table. 

As soon as you crossed the threshold of your bedroom, Suna was pushing you up against the wall, hands holding your face with such reverence that you thought you might cry. You could feel his lips ghosting across your jaw, neck, and collarbone as you carefully tugged off his shirt. You put your hands against his chest, reveling in the smooth, hard muscle there. As you started working on the button of Suna’s jeans, he still hadn’t made a move to undress you.

“Rin, please,” you whispered, voice feather-light and absolutely pleading.

You could feel the sinister grin that spread across Suna’s face against your neck, and you knew you were in trouble. “Already begging for me, babe?”

You scoffed and pushed him back until his thighs hit your bed, watching as he fell backwards into the mattress. “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” You took your clothes off rather unceremoniously, Suna smirking at your own impatience. Standing in front of him in just your bra and underwear, you slid his jeans off. He continued smirking until you straddled his waist, only two layers of cloth separating you two. His hands found your hips as you leaned down to kiss him. Suna’s lips were soft, perfectly distracting you as his hands drifted. 

You allowed yourself to be caught up in the heat of the moment, your mind completely drifting as Suna took control. Whispered words in the dark made your heart beat faster, soft confessions of love and Suna’s deep voice praising you. You savored the feeling of him, strong arms wrapping around you, a hand grabbing both of your wrists, back muscles rippling underneath your fingertips. 

When you fell asleep later that night, you were tucked into Suna’s chest, his arms wrapped around your body.

---

The sunlight streaming in through the windows woke you the next morning. You found yourself stifling a laugh at the familiarity of waking up with Suna, only this time, it was under much better circumstances. You didn’t make a move to disentangle yourself from his arms, instead sinking farther in and allowing yourself to close your eyes and listen to his heartbeat. 

He stirred, leaving a gentle kiss on your forehead as he rolled to face you completely. A hand came up to rest on the side of your face. Suna’s eyes were soft, a sleepy smile on his lips. 

“I’m not dreaming, right?”

You giggled a little at his question.”No, this is real.”

“Good.”

“Why do you ask?”

He gave you a long blink before answering. “‘Cause it’s everything I’ve been dreaming of for the past eight years.”

You swatted at his arm, laughing. “You are so soft for someone who has chronic resting bitch face and never answers personal questions in interviews.”

“You watch my interviews?”

Blushing, you nodded. “Every single one. And every highlight reel. Every game. Anything to do with you.”

“Who’s the soft one now?”

His knowing grin made you groan, lifting yourself off the bed. Suna clung to your arm like a sloth. “Where do you think you’re going?”

You rolled your eyes. “Breakfast, I’m hungry.”

He released you and flopped back into the bed, burrowing into your blankets. You smiled at his antics, then got up to make coffee and something to eat. 

---

The weekend passed in much of the same fashion, you and Suna staying in bed much longer than you should, watching replays of EJP games (Suna needed your opinion, apparently) and talking. 

On Sunday afternoon, you pulled out your laptop to email a resume to EJP’s coach, but Suna stopped you.

“I already called coach, the job’s yours if you want it.”

You snapped your head up to look at him, laptop sliding off your lap. “Huh?”

“You got the job, it’s yours.”

“What do you mean? I haven’t even applied or sent a resume.”

Suna just looked at you. “You don’t need to, you’re hired already. I called coach and gave him your credentials, and he wants you to be our trainer.”

You gave Suna an incredulous look. “When did you do that?”

He smiled, “Two weeks ago.”

Your jaw dropped. “You were that confident that I would get back together with you?”

“I call it hopeful. And yes.” You rolled your eyes before pulling him in for a kiss.

“Thank you, Rin. And let me guess, I already have somewhere to live?”

“Of course, with me.” You grinned. “My apartment’s pretty big, more of a penthouse, anyway. We can move back together after the Games.”

Your smile became even wider. You liked the idea of “together”.

---

When you and Suna walked hand-in-hand into Monday’s morning practice, Atsumu laughed. 

“I fucking knew it. You two can’t keep away from each other.”

Suna punched Atsumu in the shoulder before dropping you off at your office with a kiss on the cheek. 

Practice was much better now that you and Suna were actually together. With two weeks until the move into the Olympic Village, training was picking up. The hardest would be over at the end of the week, with the week before the move-in full of easier drills and low-impact exercises. You enjoyed being able to watch Suna without restraint, taking in every move, every muscle. 

You spent your evenings with Suna, taking extra care of sore muscles and aching joints. He laughed at your fussing, but you didn’t stop. You wanted him to play at top form in the upcoming Games, and you were going to do everything you could to make sure he got there. 

Atsumu was petty about you “playing favorites”, as he put it, but his jealousy was quickly dismissed when you threw an ice pack at him. 

On the last practice before you left the National Team training center, the atmosphere was electric. Training was minimal, focusing on stretching and keeping muscles warm rather than drills and practice matches. You even watched tapes from the most recent world championship, taking notes on opposing teams and players. 

When practice was finally over, you helped Iwaizumi pack all of the training gear.

“Thank you for doing such a good job this season, y/n. I know the team will be in good hands with you.”

You smiled bright at his praise. “Thank you. I hope you enjoy Argentina, although I and everyone else will miss you.”

Iwaizumi shrugged. “It’s about time I left anyway. My fiance’s been waiting for me for quite some time.”

You laughed a little bit. “That’s quite romantic.”

“Just wait ‘til you meet him. He’s the opposite of romantic. In fact, he’s quite annoying.”

“I’m going to meet him?”

“Yeah, he plays for the Argentina volleyball team. He’s gonna be all ‘Iwa-chan, how dare you be on Japan’s side. How dare you be their trainer. I can’t believe you.’ Just wait, it’s obnoxious. You’ll wish you didn’t meet him.”

Stifling your laughter, you replied, “I’m sure that’s not true.”

Without missing a beat, Iwaizumi said, “It is, trust me.” He looked over his shoulder at you. “Anyway, I should be the one congratulating you. It seems you and Suna finally figured everything out.”

Your cheeks flared red. “How’d you know about that?”

Iwaizumi chuckled. “Atsumu, of course. The whole team’s been making bets on how long it would take for you two to get back together, for Suna to realize who took his jersey, pretty much everything.”

You paused, one of your hands still in a box of athletic tape. “He told you everything?”

Iwaizumi nodded, watching as you stomped towards the locker rooms. “Excuse me.”

Iwaizumi proceeded with his packing, only pausing slightly when he heard a very loud, very agitated, “Miya Atsumu!”

---

You dropped the heavy box you were carrying, wiping the sweat from your forehead. Suna dropped his box next to yours, then flopped on your bed. 

“Get off, Rin. This isn’t your room. And we have more boxes.”

He groaned, looking up at you. “C’mon, y/n. It’s hot, and I need to rest. Big games coming up, y’know?”

You grabbed his hands, dragging him off the small bed. “A few more boxes, Rin, I promise.”

Later that night, after unpacking the boxes of training supplies and going over schedules with the coach and Iwaizumi, you were finally settled in your tiny room in the Olympic Village. You were rooming alone, with team supplies taking up half of the space. Just as you were about to drift to sleep, your door opened, a tiny sliver of light from the hallway slipping in.

You didn’t even roll over. “Rin, there is not enough room for you in here. This bed is tiny as fuck.”

“C’mon, y/n. I can’t sleep when I’m not next to you.”

You tried to ignore the pleading tone in his voice, but you could picture the puppy dog eyes he was probably giving you. “Fine,” you sighed, lifting the blankets for him to join you.

“Thank you, babe.”

You hummed, relishing in the warmth of Suna’s chest, just about to fall asleep when-

“Hey, do you think it’s true that these beds break if you have sex on them?”

---

The bed broke. 

taglist:  @sunasexual @call-me-lulu​ @ntimacy​ @circleglasses​ @porcolie​ @keikotaro @rintarovibes​ @kenmaslov3r​ ​

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[coffee-bat]

sure i do! (posting screenshot of ask for easier formatting)

(also, i have a whump headcannons ask that i've been compiling the response to for the past weeks (anon who asked, i'm so sorry it's taking so long, i'm not ignoring your ask), so this one will focus strictly on everything OTHER than whump.)

- he often bites his nails when stressed, or even just bored (or when he has no cigar on hand. he has a thing for chewing/nibbling on things). stopping himself from doing it is one of the reasons he wears gloves (other than for warmth and to shield his hands from damage), as having his nails bit too short is painful and can make his work almost impossible. (saying this as a nail biter. you literally CANNOT use a finger that you bit the nail of too short)

- speaking of stimming, aside from biting things, he uses the compass around his neck as a stim toy. it's useless around him, as his own magnetic field renders it impossible to point north as it should, but he'll often play with it by making it spin through altering his field. it requires both focus and a small bit of physical effort, effectively taking his mind off whatever's stressing him, at least for a short bit until he gets bored.

- he thinks he can cook, but anyone who's ever tried his cooking strongly disagrees. while his techniques are okay, like he doesn't burn or undercook stuff, the things he makes are borderline inedible. (he once made a party cheese salad for a family meeting and lowkey bonded with moreau over him being the only one to like the atrocity)

- he's the youngest of the lords (with the age order being alcina>moreau>donna>karl). donna looks younger than him, however it's mostly because of his healing factor being worse than the others', making him actually age (even if very slow) instead of being stuck in time.

- he DESPISES family meetings, along with the family dinners miranda keeps insisting on (which take place either at the castle or at donna's place, as moreau's reservoir and the factory are unsuited for that to say the least), but the latter's redeeming factor is that, if he's lucky, he gets a unique opportunity to fuck with alcina. which usually means eating her out of house and home (using the fact that she's too proud of her good manners to refuse a guest), getting drunk, wrecking her house (muddy boots who?) and then passing out somewhere. it gives him the opportunity to make himself her problem and he loves that. (i've actually started work on a comic a few weeks ago where alcina kicks karl off a random couch she finds him on (in a food coma), a shitposty thing with a SLIGHTLY wholesome-ish ending (as wholesome as alcina gets), but it was taking so long that i just gave up at some point. though, if any of y'all would like to see it finished, let me know, it'd be easier to motivate myself to do it if i knew anyone actually wanted me to lol)

- he holds animals close to his heart but would hate to admit it, in fear of appearing weak or soft. claims that he lets the one (1) cat stay in his factory ONLY because it helps with rats, totally not for company because he's a sad lonely man, what are you talking about.

-he's neither a cat or dog person, he likes both equally, but it'd be far harder to keep a dog in his quarters, seeing as it would require both more space and regular walks + playtime, while a cat is perfectly happy with just getting to sleep on him at night (in terms of contact/bonding).

- though, while he doesn't have a dog, he lowkey treats the lycans as such. keeps them under his control solely through giving them dog treats he buys from the duke. (took him a long time and lots of claw/teeth injuries to figure that out, but hey, better late than never).

--warning: the next few paragraphs discuss weight insecurity and body dysmorphia. i'll let you know when the segment ends so you can skip it if it's triggering or makes you uncomfortable--

- he's insecure about his body, both the scars littered across it and his weight. the first can't be helped and he's aware of it, however the latter TECHNICALLY CAN be and thus it bothers him far more. he used to be in a better shape, both mentally and physically, before his life was completely consumed by his work and plans of the rebellion, however these days, he just can't afford to focus on keeping himself in shape (he doesn't have the time and energy to exercise outside of the weight lifting he has to do while working, and same goes for taking care of his diet. cooking and eating balanced food takes too much time and energy, making him resort to whatever is the quickest to make and will keep him going through the day). he feels intense discomfort when looking at younger pictures of himself, he can't help but feel that he has "let himself go" in the recent years, however simultanously doesn't have the time and energy to do anything about it. it's frustrating and makes him feel out of control.

- alcina once touched on the topic while arguing with him, and it fucked him up. up until then he clang onto the small bit of hope that maybe noone has noticed the changes in his body, that maybe it was just him that was hypersensitive to it and in reality it wasn't that visible, and alcina's comment instantly shattered it. not only did she notice, but she apparently considered it worthy of using against him. there goes his last bit of confidence.

- it was one of the very few times she has seen him actually cry (before storming off to hide himself in his factory). it was also one of the few times she had apologized to him. she has made comments about his height and general looks before, and it never seemed to bother him, he always retorded back with a snarky remark targeted back at her, so she truly thought he had no insecurity issues- but this time, for the first time, he just looked hurt, almost disbelieving, and ran away without a word. it made her initial anger melt away instantly, realizing what she did. she ran after him a few minutes later, hoping it wasn't too late and she hadn't done unreversable damage. the whole incident was a major blow to her ego, especially as she was forced to beg karl over the intercom to let her in, but she wouldn't have forgiven herself if she didn't tell him that she was sorry and didn't mean it. she had to admit to herself that it truly was a low blow and she couldn't let herself be carried away like this ever again.

- karl's confidence never really healed from the incident, it's not something he can just forget. but he did get a kick out of having alcina beg for forgiveness, so he considers at least that to be an upside of the whole thing.

--weight/body dysmorphia discussion ends here--

- he gets sensory overloads easily, especially from loud noise, making him snappy if there's too many people talking/making noise. he also often has issues with things touching him when he's already stressed - due to this, he keeps a hairband in his pocket at all times (to keep his hair out of his face), and has tied the belt of his trench coat behind his back so it wouldn't touch his arms while moving around (that one is actually part of his character model). having things hanging off him irritates him greatly.

- he has a tendency to cling onto/hug whatever is in his reach while he's asleep. usually it's a pillow or his blanket, but it's also a risk one should be aware of when choosing to sleep in one bed with him. you're gonna wake up in a death grip. and he's a heavy sleeper, so don't even think about going to the bathroom.

- speaking of physical affection, he loves massages, they're one of his favorite types of affection to receive. any kind of them, really. he's sore most of the time, so a bit of relief is always greatly appreciated. back/shoulders after a long day of work, tummy if his cadou is bothering him or his eating habits fucked him over again, maybe even hands if he's worked manually for too long and his palms are starting to cramp. it's all really appreciated. (another factor contributing to why he likes them is that they're completely selfless acts of affection. his partner isn't getting anything out of it (like they would with anything sexual or romantic), its only purpose is to help him feel better. makes him feel loved.)

- speaking of, he literally cried the first time ethan gave him a shoulder rub. feeling the decades worth of pain, tiredness and muscle strain that he didn't realize he felt finally fade, be washed away, made his eyes water, he couldn't help it. it wasn't long after they had moved in together (as roommates, since karl had nowhere to go), and to karl, it felt like an affirmation that it's over, he can relax, he can rest now. no need to keep overworking himself, to keep not letting himself ever catch a break because "he might like it too much and stop chasing his goal", to keep doing anything to keep himself going for years on end despite knowing it's ruining his body. it's done, it's over, he finally deserves a rest. it made ethan deeply confused and concerned before karl sobbed out why he's crying.

these are all for now, i think! at least all that comes to mind at the moment. if you'd like me to talk about headcannons on a specific subject/topic (or expand on any of these ones), let me know! i'm sure to think of something that i haven't already, or forgot to write down. i just love talking about headcannons, man.

#this bitch took me 2 hours to write i really hope you like it #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #karl heisenberg #alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #headcannons #long post