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angst-cravings · 1 year

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let you break my heart again (1.5)

part 1 | part 2

summary: matt thinks back on every time he's wanted to be more than friends.

pairing: matt murdock x reader

words: 2.5k

an: parallel to part 1 but from matt's pov. this is a lot worse than part 1 lol, and it's more like a 1.5 - part one isn't necessary to read this and this won't be necessary to read before part 2. still gender neutral pronouns for reader and ex. additional info in tags

cw: mild angst, some explicit language, some brief allusions to sex but not really

Some day, one day, I will stop falling in love with you.

Right before Karen left, Matt left the woman he was flirting with to keep Foggy company.

“Another beautiful woman, huh?” Foggy jokes.

“How would I even know?” The question comes out more like a statement. He knew that it was just Foggy teasing, but Matt felt a little defensive.

“You’ve just had a lot more women in your bed lately, that’s all.” Matt sighs at Foggy’s words.

Foggy was right, Matt had been sleeping with more women than he had in the past. But it was just to get you out of his head. Your heartbeat, your scent, your lingering touches, your voice. You. He knew he loved you, and that his feelings hadn’t been returned for as long as he’s known you. He’s spent so much time trying to replace you, but nothing ever felt right. No one was like you. Foggy snapped him back to reality.

“What’s been up with you lately?” Foggy felt better about asking now that the two of them were alone. Matt thinks about what he’s going to say. What could he even say? I’m in love with your childhood best friend? I’m in love with our partner in law? And I’ve loved them every single moment I’ve known them?

He knew he liked you since he first met you at Columbia. After meeting Foggy, you were just the cherry on top. He had heard your heart stutter at the sight of him, but it had quickly evened out. Maybe you were just shocked at his blindness. He was used to the second glances, the tiptoeing, the heartbeats that signaled discomfort at his condition. He didn’t know you well enough to know how your body reacted to certain things yet.

“Matt Murdock, pleasure to meet you.” He held out his hand for you to shake, and you grasped it firmly, introducing yourself in turn.

“They’ve been my best friend since elementary school,” Foggy added to your introduction.

“All the way to law school.” He could hear the smile in your statement. Matt knew all of this already, Foggy had talked his ear off about you. Foggy absolutely adored you, and Matt was frankly a little bit jealous of the relationship between you two. He hoped he’d become as close to you as Foggy is one day.

You didn’t react to him the same way that most people attracted to him did. He figured this was a good thing. Foggy said that you were off-limits. Even though Foggy barely knew him, he had picked up on his player tendencies. If you had been into him, he doesn’t think that he’d be able to keep himself to this promise. It broke his heart.

He knew he still liked you when you spent the night in his dorm for the first time. Foggy had gone home for a family birthday, and he heard a knock at his door. It couldn’t have been later than three in the morning. He opened the door to you, the smell of tears stinging his nose. He immediately swept you up into a hug.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I… I had a really bad nightmare. Can I stay with you? Just for a little bit? Usually, I go to Foggy, but…” He heard the hesitation in your voice, and his heart ached.

“Of course,” You two sat on the bed, and he wrapped an arm around your shoulders, “Do you want to tell me about it?” He felt you shake your head silently against his chest. “That’s okay, we can just sit here.” And you did. He sat there and listened as your heartbeat slowed to a resting rate and your breathing returned to normal.

You kept opening your mouth to say something, but the words didn’t come out. But he was patient and knew that if you wanted to say it, you would. After a few minutes, you finally murmured, “Do you mind if I spend the night, Matt? I-it’s okay if you don-”

He immediately cut you off. “Of course, you can,” His heart leaped at the idea, but he tried not to outwardly betray his emotions, “Do you… do you want me to sleep on the floor? Or…” He trailed off, hoping you would finish the sentence for him.

“Can you stay with me?” His heart broke at the tone of your voice.

“Of course.”

You both lay on his bed for the rest of the night. Matt couldn’t sleep, even though you had fallen asleep quicker than he expected. He desperately tried to memorize this moment in case he’d never get it again. He closed his eyes as he processed the way your hair smelled, the way your skin feels, the gentle thump of your heartbeat, and the taste of salt still lingering in the air. Hopefully, he’d get this experience again without the salt. When you woke up, you were still in his arms, and you had turned over to him.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry for waking you up so early in the morning. Usually Foggy helps me out, but… obviously, he isn’t here.”

“Did I do as good of a job?”

You paused, only to tease him in response. “Maybe once we do this a few more times you can be on the same level.”

He grinned. He’d love to be the person you leaned on when you needed help, but he couldn’t help but wish that you two could be more. It broke his heart.

He knew he still liked you about a year ago when you gave an opening statement in court. He could hear your heart pounding in your chest, but your voice stayed calm and collected.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, today I and my colleagues represent the defendant Mr. Marshall. The defendant stands here today accused of assault, a very serious offense. At the end of this trial, we are going to ask you to render a verdict of not guilty, the only appropriate verdict in this case.” He tried to stay focused as your voice floated around the courtroom. He wanted to focus on the heartbeats of the prosecution, but his mind always drifted back to yours. It had steadied out a little as you got more into the rhythm of the trial, though it stayed elevated. He could hear the satin of your clothing shift against each other as you walked and gestured. His hands twitched at the quiet swish, wanting to put his hands on you and feel the way the cloth draped onto your body.

He watched as you deftly defended the client, smiling when you hit the key points. You both knew that you were prepared, but with each point, you felt far more confident in the outcome of the trial. It would take another day at least before they would be done with this case though, and he knew that you’d likely not sleep well. You never slept well when stressed. He let out a deep breath, wanting to be the one who would calm you down that night. The ache in his heart grew knowing that you’d be going home to your partner that night instead.

That night he offered to walk you home. You retold the whole story of the courtroom, even though he had been there. He smiled at the exaggerations you gave, and he let himself melt into the arm that was guiding him. The satin felt so nice against his skin.

“...and they’re making pizza for me tonight! From scratch!” You gushed over your partner, and his heart fell. For a moment he could pretend that you were his, but the reality of the situation was depressing. He felt as if he had lost you in a way. You pulled back from his and Foggy’s lives when you started dating your partner, and although you two still interacted often at the firm, it wasn’t the same as before. You skipped nights at Josie’s, you would work from home more often instead of late nights at the office, and you would invite him and Foggy to your apartment less and less. It broke his heart.

He knew he still liked you when you had confided in him that you and your partner were having relationship problems. He felt giddy at the thought, not even because he liked you. He missed the way you treated him before you were in a relationship.

“It’s just so fucking frustrating! I feel like they never listen to me! Like, I have an important job, and not that their job isn’t important, but I can’t just live at home from five in the afternoon to nine in the morning like they can! I’ve even cut back on my hours for them and it’s never fucking enough!” Your anger rose above the chatter of Josie’s. “If it was an issue, why didn’t they bring it up sooner? We’ve been dating for so long, why is it suddenly an issue now?”

Even though Matt was hopeful that your relationship will fail, he couldn’t help but sympathize with you. He’d heard the same complaint before, and he knew how much this hurt you. “They just don’t understand the pressures we’re under.”

“I know! It’s so…” You took a sip of your beer. “It’s so annoying! Sorry I care about my fucking career!” He placed a hand on your shoulder.

“You two will be okay. I’m sure they just want to see you more.”

“I know, it’s just-” You hissed through your teeth, “You’re right. Thank you, Matt.” He felt the micro changes in your skin temperature as you started to calm down.

“Let’s go for a walk. Take your mind off of things.” He stood up and you offered your arm to him as he picked up his cane. He gives you directions to the pier, and you walk along the Hudson.

“Feels like old times,” You said, and he smiled.

“Yeah. I missed this.” The quiet felt thick in the air. “I missed you.” He mumbled.

“Hmm?” The ambient noise muffled what he said, and you didn’t pick it up.

“I just repeated myself, that’s all” He lied through his teeth, and he couldn’t tell if you could discern it. If you did, you chose not to press the topic.

“Sometimes I wish I could just date you,” His walking stuttered at your statement, and he glued his mouth shut while waiting for you to elaborate, “Like, you’re a lawyer too. You work long hours. You’re smart and handsome and considerate. You have really pretty eyes.” You were definitely drunker than he thought.

He tries to brush you off. “I’d be an awful boyfriend.”

“Nuh-uh.” You didn’t know about his nightly escapades. You couldn’t know how true the statement was.

“Yes, I would be. You should be grateful you have your current partner, they’re much better than I could ever be.” Bitterness lined his words, something he could tell you didn’t pick up on by your body language.

“Aw, Matty, I’m sure that isn’t true. I guess you’d at least probably be a good fuck, considering the amount of women you bring home.”

He wanted to say “I only take them home because I can’t have you.” Instead, he bit his tongue and forced a breathy laugh from his lips.

“Well, I guess do have a lot of practice.” The smile he forced burned his cheeks. It broke his heart.

He knew he still liked you tonight. You all had finished up a very tough case and had won. You four were sitting at a table at the bar nursing your beers and talking about the case, how he had made an excellent defense, how Karen had found the most important fact that won the case, how Foggy had crafted an excellent opening statement, and how you were the perfect liaison between the firm and the client.

“To us!” Foggy raises his beer as a toast.

“To us!” Everyone echoes, and he could hear the smile in your voice. You two had made small talk while Karen and Foggy had started a debate about something he had no knowledge of.

“Just like old times, huh?” You mused.

“Yeah, well, we’ve had a pretty good streak of losses lately. Feels good to win again.”

“I know. I couldn’t help but blame myself every time we lost. I’m sure you felt the same way. It’s hard to not take it personally.” He was always astonished at how you were always thinking exactly what he was thinking. Your word phrasing even mirrored his occasionally, “I’ll get us another round of drinks, you still want a beer?”

He nodded, and let his ears follow you towards the bar. He overheard someone hitting on you while you were ordering drinks, and he clenched his jaw. He had no right to be jealous, and his anger quickly transitioned to sadness.

“Look, maybe they’ll be able to get us free drinks!” Foggy took notice of the way the person was flirting with you too. He was far more lighthearted about it, and he walked up to the bar to get into earshot of your conversation

“Yeah, well…” He trailed off, not really knowing where he wanted to lead his quip.

“...Are you jealous, Matt?” Karen lowered her voice, and although her voice still had a twinge of playfulness, it was only to soften the seriousness of her question.

“I- I- no, no, you’ve got it wrong. I just- I just-” He chuckled to try to mislead her.

“You fucking like them!” Karen raised her voice a little louder than Matt would have hoped.

“No, no, I just… see, I’ll prove it.” It was supposed to be a night of celebration. But he couldn’t help it, he was desperately seeking an escape from his heart. So he picked a random woman, one whose heartbeat rose when she looked at him and walked over near her to chat her up. He couldn’t tell if your reaction was solely from your alcohol or something else. You were always hard to read when you were drunk, your heart spiked at random things and your body language was much looser than he was used to.

He immediately knew Karen was scheming, and you and Foggy quickly came back with some beers. Even though he was focusing on the woman in front of him, his hearing kept lingering on your conversation.

“Hey guys, I think I’m going to head out after this one, I’m starting to get a headache.” Lie.

“Aw, are you sure? Maybe a couple more drinks will take it away!” Foggy pushed lightly. Matt knew that Foggy would never push you too much, but he was still slightly annoyed that Foggy said that, even if you were lying.

“Do you want one of us to walk you home?” Karen was so gentle with her question, it made Matt smile ever so slightly.

“No, no, you guys stay out and celebrate! I’ll see you all tomorrow morning.”

The woman in front of him brought him back.

“Sorry, I couldn’t really hear you over everyone else. What did you say again?” He lied. He heard you leave Josie’s, and he kept you in the back of his head until he could no longer hear your footsteps. His heart broke.

“What’s been up with you lately?”

“I don’t know Foggy.” A lie. He paused. “Just dealing with some heartbreak recently.”

Until I do, I'll be thinking of you.

Let you break my heart again.

part 2

#daredevil #matthew murdock #matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x you #daredevil x reader #matthew murdock x reader #unrequited love #not actually unrequited love #not canon compliant #mild angst #let you break my heart again #no use of y/n #no use of yn #gender neutral reader #everyone is unaware of his senses #one bed trope #comfort from nightmares #friends to lovers

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angst-cravings · 1 year

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let you break my heart again (1)

part 1.5 | part 2

summary: you're forced to come to terms with your feelings for matt murdock

pairing: matt murdock x reader

words: 2.5k

an: first fanfic, non-canon timeline, reader, Foggy, and Karen are unaware of Matt’s abilities, gender-neutral pronouns used for reader and ex, additional info in tags

cw: mild angst, slight explicit language, alcohol use, unrequited love (?)

One day I will stop falling in love with you. Someday, someone will like me like I like you.

You stand alone in your apartment, leaning against the countertop, sipping on coffee and eating pie from downstairs. Memories from Josie’s earlier tonight replay in your head. The gentle laughter of your friend Matt as your friends Foggy and Karen tease him over something you don’t even remember. You can’t help but smile at the thought, with a little bit of shame burning the back of your neck.

You went to Columbia Law with your friend Foggy. You two had been best friends since you were young, and you two complimented each other perfectly. When he introduced you to Matt, he just became another puzzle piece that slotted perfectly into your friendship.

It was nice to have friends that cared about you so much through law school, a time that you struggled with, as most students do. You were amazing, but it didn’t come to you naturally. Many nights were spent in the library with tears welling up in your eyes, and you nearly tore your hair out every night trying to wrap your head around the topics you were so passionate about.

But they were always there for you.

You wished that you could tell Foggy or Matt about what you had been going through lately, but you knew it would strain your relationship. You were hyper-aware that Foggy would be disappointed. He had always been scared that Matt would sweep you away from him. If you confessed these feelings to him, he’d be happy for you, but the tiniest part of him would be disappointed. You were his best friend, and although Matt had always gotten the girls, at least Foggy had the comfort that you never dated Matt.

To be fair, in law school, you didn’t have a crush on Matt. You two had flirted occasionally, but no more than you did any other guy at the bar you wanted free drinks from. But due to a recent breakup, your heart had started to flutter at things it never had before.

His smiles when one of his friends enters a room. His soft, bashful chuckles when one of you teases him. His tone when he shoots a comeback. His hand holding your arm as you guide him to his apartment. His arms wrapped around you when you need to cry.

You consider yourself lucky to have your ducks all in a row—except for this. You had your own firm with your best friends, defending the innocent like you had pledged to do when you were studying for the LSATs. You had a decent apartment for Hell’s Kitchen, right above a local bakery. Your life was pretty damn good, and you were fine this way. You didn’t want to do anything to fuck this up.

You knew Matt didn’t like you back. You’ve heard the way he’s felt about women before, and you knew it didn’t describe how he feels about you. The way he flirts with them is different from the way he flirts with you.

Lately, he’s met women at Josie’s, and the morning after you’ll hear Foggy tease Matt about the tryst the night before. You’d analyze the way he talked to her, the way his body language shifted around her, and you knew that it wasn’t the way he treated you. You always go silent during the morning debriefs, just stirring your coffee, smiling, and nodding along. Then you’d go to your office and work on the case, and try to deny the jealousy you felt writhing in your stomach.

A knock at the door snaps you back to reality. You walk to the door and open it up to Karen. Karen Page. She had quickly become one of your closest friends once she joined the firm. You had even coached her on her feelings for Matt, though at the time it didn’t pain you as much as it would now.

“We need to talk.” She says to you, concern lacing her words. You had left Josie’s early, claiming a headache, and refusing to let anyone walk you home. Matt had slipped away from you three and started flirting with a beautiful woman, and you couldn’t handle it, not after such a hard and disappointing case. Karen knew you too well though. She probably left not too long after you did.

“Come in.” You gesture her through the doorway and shut it behind her.

“I just noticed for the first time tonight. How long have you liked him?” She slides her blazer off her body and lays it on one of your chairs before she sits down. You take a second to consider her question.

It could have been last week when you ran into him at the bakery below you. You four had gone there a few times, but you usually wouldn’t see your friends there since it was in the opposite direction from the office. You, however, went there every morning and picked up breakfast before heading to the office. You were checking your phone while waiting for your order, doing some research on your client before work when you heard Matt’s voice order some fresh bagels. Was he here for you? It wouldn’t make sense if he had come just for the bagels, there were bakeries closer to the office. Your heart skipped a beat at the thought. You looked up and saw him pay the cashier, and as he moved to wait for his order you walked over to him and greeted him.

“Matt, what are you doing here?”

“Getting bagels for everyone.” You watched as he turned his head towards you, your heart fluttering at the smile he gave you.

“Foggy will be happy about that.” A soft chuckle fell from his lips.

“No more joking that Landman & Zack was a better deal than us.” He gestured his cane to accent his point. Your orders came out at the same time as a fresh batch exited the oven. “Do you mind if I walk you to the office?”

You couldn’t help but tease him for the request. “Are you sure I won’t be the one leading you to the office?”

He feigned offense at your joke, “What are you insinuating? That I can’t handle myself? I’m a big boy, you know.” Your heart jumped at the way he teased you back. You scolded yourself. You reacted three times in just a few minutes to him. You silently thanked God that at least you could keep your physical reactions private, as they would immediately give you away.

You put his hand on your arm, and you both started walking toward the office, chatting with each other about the cases on the docket.

It could have been a few months ago when you and your ex had broken up. You two had fallen out of love, and it had been mostly mutual, but it still hurt to leave someone who had been your second half for such a long time. You had Foggy, Karen, and Matt over to your apartment later that night so you could drink your sorrows away. They all had taken turns making fun of your ex, saying that they weren’t right for you, that you deserved better. You knew this wasn’t true, but you still smiled appreciatively at the gesture. Karen was the first to leave, she had an investigation she wanted to get an early start on the next morning. Then Foggy left, he was going to have a meeting with a client and he wanted to get a full night’s rest. They left just the two of you in your apartment sitting on your couch with beers in hand.

“Fuck them.” You faked your anger, knowing it felt better than sadness. You paused and sat as the alcohol coaxed you into spilling your real feelings. “I loved them. So much. I can’t believe it’s just over.” He moved closer to you to place a hand on your shoulder.

“I know. Breakups are hard, especially when you both love each other. But you'll push through. You’re an amazing person. You’re one of the strongest people I know. One of the best.” Matt’s words were reassuring, but they just caused tears to form in your eyes.

“...Can I hug you?” Your eyes started overflowing as you made this simple request.

“Of course.” He set both of your beers down on your coffee table and moved closer to you to scoop you into his arms. Your head and hand rested against his chest as you let the tears fall. You felt bad from soaking his nice button-up, but your sadness overpowered your reservations. You two stayed like this for a while, and you took comfort in the way he rubbed circles into your shoulder and the gentle rhythm of his heart.

You felt comfortable with him in a way you didn’t with anyone else. Not Karen, not Foggy, not even your ex.

It could have been about a year ago. You and Matt had gone on a trip to a nearby state for a case that you were working on. Although he was being tried in New York, your client was being held in a prison in Detroit temporarily. Foggy and Karen stayed back to hold the fort and work on other cases while you two spent a few days in Detroit. The drive was painfully long, and at the end of the day, you couldn’t wait to stretch your legs and walk around. You had to guide Matt, something you haven’t had to do in recent times. He hasn’t been somewhere that he didn’t know like the back of his hand in a while, and you relished the feeling of his hand on your arm.

You had booked a hotel room for the two of you, with two queens. However, when you checked in, your heart sank.

“I’m sorry, but due to a shutdown in our system, we are overbooked. We tried to contact everyone affected, but I guess you must have missed it. We have a room available with a single king though, will that be alright?”

Matt immediately spoke up. “That will be alright, thank you.” You frowned, wishing he had maybe consulted you.

After checking in, you two walked to your hotel room. “How did you know I would be okay with this?” You could hear the slight tinge of annoyance in your voice.

“I was going to sleep on the floor. You’ll get the whole bed to yourself, your partner won’t have anything to worry about.” Did you imagine the disdain in his voice?

“No, I can’t let you do that. I can sleep on the floor, or we can share the bed. We’ve done it before at Columbia, it’s purely platonic. They’ll understand.” You opened the door to the hotel room and then closed it behind the two of you. You gently guided Matt around the room and described the locations of everything to him, followed by descriptors of appearance.

After guiding him around, you took a shower and changed into your pajamas. “So am I sleeping on the floor? Or are we sharing the bed?”

Matt grabbed the pillows off of the bed and placed them on the floor. “I don’t want to make you or your partner uncomfortable. I’ll sleep on the floor, I’ll be fine.” You shook your head and picked up the pillows.

“It’ll be fine. Let’s share the bed.” Your heart rate rose at the thought, and you thanked God that Matt couldn’t see you blush. You had a partner, one you loved very much. You shouldn’t be thinking this way.

Matt changed and slid onto his side of the mattress, leaving plenty of room between the two of you. You fell asleep watching his face and hoped that in the morning, your heart would return to normal. You woke up like you often did at Columbia, in his arms. Platonically.

It could have been a few years ago. It was right after you all got the news that you passed the bar. You had gone to a bar to celebrate, and you had taken a few too many shots. Foggy and Matt insisted on walking you home, and you leaned on the two of them to keep your balance. Every time you saw someone while walking home, you cheered “We passed the bar!!” and if the person was nice, they’d smile, or maybe even cheer with you. As you stumbled, Matt kept a steady grip on your hand. Even in your drunken stupor, you blushed and pushed away the thought immediately.

“You guys are the best. I love you two.” You slurred as you made it to the front door of your apartment.

“I love you too! You’re the best friend a guy could ever ask for,” Foggy said in a voice that was a little too loud for the time of day, “Except for maybe you Matt!”

Matt laughed. His beautiful laugh. “No, I think you’re right. They are the best friend a guy could ask for.” You suddenly stand up straight after leaning on Matt, your face dangerously close to his. Maybe you imagined it in a drunken haze, but you could have sworn that Matt blushed. You shook the thought away and made space between the two of you.

“Do you two want to come in?” You asked as you fumbled with your keys, missing the lock a few times.

“I should probably be going to bed. Thanks for the invite though! I will see you soon!” Foggy walked away from your door without Matt, though you know he won’t go far without him.

Matt stepped closer to you, mimicking the distance you had placed between the two of you earlier. A blush crept up your face. “Goodnight. Congratulations again. You’re going to be an amazing lawyer.” He placed a hand on your cheek. You could feel your heart pound in your chest.

“You too.” You whispered back. You quickly turned and walked into your apartment before you made a mistake that sober you would regret in the morning.

You never had a crush on him in law school. Or maybe that was a lie you told yourself to save your friendships. It could have been that you had a crush on him from the first moment you saw him. From the first moment you saw red light dancing on his face from his glasses. From the first moment you saw his smile. Fuck.

“I don’t know,” You picked at your pie, and paused, “Maybe I’ve fallen for him every day since I met him.”

Until then, I’ll drink my coffee, eat my pie, pretend that we are more than friends.

Then of course I’ll let you break my heart again.

part 1.5 | part 2

#daredevil #matthew murdock #matt murdock x reader #matthew murdock x reader #daredevil x reader #matt murdock x you #unrequited love #not actually unrequited love #mild angst #let you break my heart again #no use of yn #no use of y/n #not canon compliant #gender neutral reader #one bed trope #breakup comfort #friends to lovers

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