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nightcolorz · 2 months

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I must confess something, I do not understand white Vox lol is it just his VA? He may be just a TV with a body but his eyes seem to be drawn as east asian and thats his most prominent human feature. Majority of the time I see people draw him as a human they actually erase his real eye shape to (I assume) make him look more white. There's no real canon so people can hc whatever but I am so intrigued by how people are interpreting him white. I promise there are nasty tech/media ceos that overwork their employees all over the world... maybe im reading too much into it because the show is otherwise verrrry western-centric. Just curious how you view it, you're definitely in the majority and i realize people like me are the outliers but just saw your post and had to ask (if you didnt mind sharing).

Anon is referring to this post btw for context: https://www.tumblr.com/nightcolorz/746235899544813568/my-hot-take-is-that-i-think-that-a-vox-human?source=share

Anon ur hella polite and ik u got good intentions so I was stressing a little over how to respond without invalidating ur headcanon cuz like, I never want to be the guy saying “this character is white and u can’t headcanon them as a racial minority” cuz that’s pretty shitty no matter what. We definitely have different takes but when I’m explaining my interpretation I don’t wanna sound like I’m trying to boss ppl around and say there’s only one way u can see these characters. This is just my personal interpretation and I was being funny in my og post implying that my interpretation is the “correct” way. But since u asked I’ll explain my reasoning why I (and prob other ppl) see Vox as extremely white lol.

I don’t take Vox’s physical appearance into account at all when thinking about his ethnicity cuz in a show were everyone is pretty racially ambiguous design wise Vox is one of the most ambiguously humanoid characters, like my guy literally has a tv for a head with eyes and a mouth, and that’s it. I don’t see ur point about his eyes at all tbh, to me Vox’s vaguely slanted eyes have always come off more like a devious squint than an ethnic feature. Even still I don’t read slanted eyes as Asian automatically so it never occurred to me.

I don’t read as Vox as white bcus of his VA being white or him being a tech bro billionaire (but ig they play a part). I read Vox as white mostly bcus I see his background as a former religious extremist/cult leader from the 50s with a skill in life and in death for male manipulating ppl and using them for his own gain as very white and western. (I got this info from his official reference sheet for auditioning va’s, here that is)

His capitalistic ideals and business practices r meant to mirror (extremely white) billionaires like Musk and Bezos, which adds to my perception of him. Of course being a billionaire tech guy is not a western white man exclusive thing, but I feel that if we were meant to perceive Vox as someone not from America that would definitely be coded or in some way communicated. And I say this with as little ill will as possible, but for me I wouldn’t want to perceive Vox as an East Asian tech bro billionaire specifically bcus there r negative stereotypes and connotations attached there. East Asian men have a history of being negatively stereotyped as corrupt tech business owners. I don’t think u are trying to imply those stereotypes with ur head canon (frankly it’s hard to avoid negative stereotypes in fiction a lot of the time bcus stereotypes encompass such a vast range of things that its hard to take them all into account). But regardless, it’s smth we should try to be conscious of.

Anyways, I also usually take these character’s personalities and values, self image, etc into account when im thinking about race, bcus race is more then color, and especially for characters with lives and personalities based in much less tolerant time periods, it’s significant to consider how race would play a role in forming the way they navigate the world. Based on how Vox behaves I can’t see him as being racially marginalized. I’m gonna compare Vox to alastor a little cuz alastor is canonically creole and I think he serves as a good reference for someone I perceive as not white in comparison to Vox and how I think he differs and contradicts the experiences of a racial minority.

Vox to me comes off as someone who thinks he is entitled to power, respect, privilege, etc, which is a very standard type of attitude for a white man who was alive in the 1950s to have. He’s very emotionally immature and volatile, doesn’t seem to concern much over his public image beyond petty dick measuring contests with alastor (he regularly publicly has angry tantrums and doesn’t break a sweat over how this will affect his status). He obviously cares about it (scolding Valentino for embarrassing him and such) but he doesn’t seem to worry about loss of reputation in any sort of real way. I get the impression that Vox has always had at least a standard amount of social standing and privilege and can’t see a life for himself without the fundamental privilege he feels owed there to support him. He’s basically a man baby, a man baby who still manages to garner power and respect effortlessly (it comes naturally to him) while remaining whiny and insecure. Very white man of him! White man behavior!

in comparison, Alastor, (who I do not read as white) is always frantically clinging to his composed self image and his power as if it will slip away from him if he loosens his grasp at all. He has an extremely firm grip on his composure to the point where he never allows anyone to see him slip at all, let alone frown (despite his mental health and emotional well being being equally fragile as Vox’s). Alastor understands deeply how little the world owes him and how difficult and unreliable his acquiring of status actually is. He is borderline neurotic about retaining his power and staying on top. Despite the smile, Alastor is always defensive and fearful, picking fights with anyone he thinks might be a threat like a small dog or a prey animal would. Meanwhile, Vox conducts himself like a man with nothing to loose. I feel like Vox grew up with money and doesn’t know poverty or a lack of privilege in any intimate way that would drive him to guard it in anyway beyond flippant. To Vox power, status, and privilege are inherent. Same can’t be said for alastor.

tldr in conclusion Vox’s brand of bad feels very specific to a white man, alongside his emotional immaturity and his attitude, mindset, and behavior. This is why I see him as white asf, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong or it’s in anyway less correct to headcanon him as a different race. That’s just how I see him. Thank u for sending the ask anon it was pretty interesting to write! Have a good day! (btw i love Vox he’s one of my fav character lol me calling him a white as shit privileged entitled man baby douchebag is out of love and all I find interesting and fun about him)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin #alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #vox #hazbin hotel vox #vox hazbin hotel #hazbin vox #vox hazbin

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primeministerofantarctica · 2 years

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If you don't mind me asking (and if you do plz ignore <3) but is there any autistic rep that you personally would like to see in media?

ohh good question! hmm... personally I'd like to see more explicit rep in children's and family media that's not "word of god" or "character that shows up for one episode to teach the main character about autism" (I don't mind the former but your average ten-year-old disney liker doesn't have twitter so it'd be lost on them.)

for example, one of my favorite canon autistic characters is aj gadgets from the pbs kids show hero elementary. while they don't outright say it until season 2, it's pretty obvious if you know what you're looking for? he flaps his hands when stressed out, he hates the feeling of wet clothes, he has a clear special interest in other superheros, he doesn't get sarcasm, he has noise-canceling headphones as part of his costume and he's shown putting them on when things get too loud. and MOST importantly, he's one of the main characters! appearing in almost every single episode!

on that note, I don't care how realistic it is, more stuff where the autistic character is actually liked by the other characters. I like entrapta and the guy from the good doctor well enough, but the way the other characters treated them was sooo :(. "oh noo how can he be a surgeon are you sure it's safe" bro i'm not an expert but i don't think it's within the realm of physical impossibility that autistic surgeons exist irl.

more characters in genres that aren't realistic coming-of-age stories. more fantasy/ sci fi/ mysteries/ etc. and yes, make the speculative fiction characters explicit too. you don't have to use the same word if it's a non-earth setting and you don't want to break the illusion, but plenty of other languages have descriptions you can pull from! like in japanese, the kanji for 自閉症 is "oneself, closed, illness". or in te reo māori, the word they use means "in their own time and space". make up your own name if you want, get creative!

other stuff, in general - more nonverbal/ aac using characters in prominent roles. more characters who are intellectually disabled or even just have average intelligence, less "savants". more characters with "useless" special interests instead of maths or science disciplines (more autistics that can't do math, please im dying here /lh). characters that are love interests, or best friends, or main characters. characters that have personalities outside of being a walking DSM manual.

this is already long af but some other characters I like-

renee from pixar's loop.

woo young-woo from extraordinary attorney woo. (i've only seen a few episodes so far but i like what i saw.)

matilda from everything's gonna be okay.

hikaru azuma from the manga with the light: raising an autistic child. yes it's from the point of view of the neurotypical mother but if you manage to get past the first volume and it's "oh no my child is autistic how can this be :(" it's...pretty sweet? the mom isn't portrayed as a saint for "putting up" with her kid, she does love him but the narrative isn't afraid to call her out when she makes a mistake.

ester from daughter of the deep. am i biased since this is a rick riordan book? well yes but still i'll be the first in line to watch the movie adaptation.

also more characters that are definitely autistic but the writers are either cowards or somehow, inexplicably, didn't put two and two together until someone else told them and understandably were pretty nervous about messing up to actually make it canon (they're just undiagnosed /j)

nonny from bubble guppies. stop saying he's depressed reddit edgebros it's just flat affect ToT

huey duck from ducktales. you had two episodes focused on how "being weird isn't bad" and "it's okay if you're wired differently". did the...did the writers just not pick up on the implications. i refuse to believe they did.

twilight sparkle from mlp:fim. pretty obvious to headcanon but i read somewhere (albeit through secondhand sources) that it was initially supposed to be canon and if that is true, that's cool af.

#i'm not going to list out EVERY 'it's canon in my heart where it MATTERS' character but yeah #ask #livingthewritelife-things #long post #sorry if i misunderstood the question but thanks for letting me talk about this :)

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alliterative-albatross · 3 years

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My dear, your reblog about Boromir death just broke my heart a little bit more 😭 gotta watch Lotr again !

Let me sink the arrows a little deeper.

Boromir, son of Denethor was a whole-ass man.

Often Boromir is compared to his father in contrast to Faramir, but he’s actually described as being like Denethor in “face and pride, but little else.” That right there tells you a lot about his character.

He grew up on Sauron’s back porch, at the end of the decline of Gondor, with a younger brother who idolized him and a father who was slowly spiraling into severe mental illness. As the oldest son of the steward, Boromir has a lot to live up to and not much to work with.

Gondor had been circling the drain for 1000 years. Not only was there the looming threat of Sauron - obviously significant - but there’s the decline of the men of the west to consider, too. Since the fall of Numenor, each generation of men had grown successively weaker, their lifespans and wisdom diminished. Add to that the rise of Mordor: the corruption of Minas Ithil (Minas Morgul), the orcs running around killing people, the fall of Rohan and the treason of Orthanc, plus the back-and-forth taking and retaking of Osgiliath... well, Boromir is a man with a lot to worry about.

Then there’s the personal problems. A dead mom and an ailing, asshole father. A sweet little brother to protect (remember that Faramir really cared nothing for battles and weapons, so of course Boromir, being the Big Brother/Badass Warrior that he was, would worry over him). A city on the edge of ruin, a people on the edge of war they cannot hope to fight, an army of actual monsters living at your doorstep. Boromir’s entire world is literally falling apart at the seams. This is a man who is utterly without hope, a man with the weight of the entire world on his shoulders.

Talk about pressure, am I right?

So, let’s hit on Osgiliath a little bit. It’s not made clear in the films, but Osgiliath is actually the capital city of Gondor. It’s also a major tactical stronghold - he who controls Osgiliath controls passage across the river Anduin. As Captain of the White Tower, Boromir spent pretty much his entire adult life defending this city from constant attack - at one point, he and Faramir held the west side, and Mordor held the east side, and they battled for the bridge in the middle. Like, for months, I think (you may want to fact check my timelines on this, though, because I am too lazy). I’m pretty sure he and Faramir eventually just said “fuck it” and collapsed the bridge behind them (if we can’t have it then you can’t either, Sauron, please go suck a giant cock) and ended up swimming to safety with maybe just a couple of other dudes? Not many.

So. Boromir the Protector. Boromir the Warrior.

Now, Boromir the Captain. His soldiers loved him - they looked for him daily when he was gone. He was a good leader and a good man. He was missed, and he was mourned. Even Eomer mentions him fondly, saying that he was a lot like a man of Rohan. High praise, if you ask me.

Now, let’s talk about Boromir the Big Brother.

It is made clear time and time again, in both the books and the films, that even though Boromir may not have understood Faramir, he loved him. Boromir is described as his brother’s defender and protector. He defends Faramir physically in battle man times, and also emotionally, from Denethor the Dickhead.

In the books, Boromir and Faramir both dream of Imlardis and Isildur’s Bane, but it’s Boromir who volunteers to take the journey to Rivendell, solely to protect his brother from the dangerous journey.

And it is dangerous. At one point, he loses his horse crossing a ford - which means he lost most of his supplies, too. He had to walk to Rivendell with the clothes on his back. It took him nearly four months.

Now, I kind of think this is a huge sacrifice. I mean, Boromir who cared nothing for lore or culture, volunteering to leave his men and take on a journey to Rivendell to see some elves about a dream? It smacks of desperation, sure, which Boromir obviously felt in spades. But also, I think displays that no-hold-barred, sacrificial kind of love that he held for Faramir. Boromir would do literally anything to keep his baby bro safe.

Boromir’s relationship with the hobbits is special, too. One of my favorite moments in The Fellowship of the Ring is Boromir teaching Merry and Pippin to spar, which is why I chose the gif up top. Just, all of the Feels, am I right?

This isn’t the only time Boromir acts in the interests of the hobbits, though. Upon crossing Caradhras, it was Boromir who was wise enough to suggest the Fellowship carry firewood with them. This foresight single-handedly saved the lives of the hobbits; they would have frozen otherwise. The next day, Boromir and Aragorn carried them down the mountain.

So, Boromir was a good guy. He was brave, noble, kind, wise in his own way. He had a good head for strategy, and he could kick some serious ass on a battlefield (I didn’t talk too much about that one because I thought it was kind of obvious).

Now, to address the elephant in the room (or, the ring around the halfling’s neck? too much?)

Remember that the One Ring preys on our vulnerabilities. I think film!Gandalf said it most succinctly: “I would use this ring for the desire to do good, but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.”

Boromir’s greatest desire is to protect what he loves - his brother, his men, and more broadly, his city and its legacy. Tactically, his argument to return to Minas Tirith and strike out from a position of strength is a sound one: rest up, make a plan, defeat Sauron at the front door, restore Gondor to her former glory. It makes sense. Remember that this is a man who has made a study of military history - he’s not an idiot by any means. But the Ring corrupted this noble desire until all Boromir could think about was this driving need to get the Ring to Gondor.

Boromir’s story, more than absolutely anybody’s - yeah, even Smeagol’s - illustrates the dangers of the One Ring. The corruption of Boromir wasn’t inevitable, it was unthinkable. This was a good and noble man. He was a badass warrior, a friend, a brother. Boromir’s death proves that nobody is above the power of the Ring. His loss is a fucking tragedy, both to the Fellowship and to his people.

tl;dr: Boromir is one of my very favorite characters in all of the Tolkien pantheon, he doesn’t get near enough credit, and I mourn his passing just like those White Tower bros.

#boromir #the lord of the rings #the fellowship of the ring #don't mind me i'm just all up in my feels over here #also babe don't mind my sarcasm it's purely a tone choice and i mean nothing by it #i love you big #BOROMIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRR #sean bean is a babe #thank you for sending this ask because i got to strap on my sword and stand on my soapbox and defend my boiii #could shout about this precious man forever and ever #let's do gandalf next i love him too #lol jk jk

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peachyaone · 3 years

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sparks

pairings: sugawara kōshi x gn! reader

warnings: mild angst/fluff, brief mentions of sh. ex to lovers.

plot: after the two of you part ways, an event requires you to need him much more than ever. (timeskip!sugawara)

A/N: this became a little of a vent fic, and also wanted to start writing for this cutie. also, this is kinda based on sparks by coldplay!!!

Did I drive you away? I know what you'll say You say, "Oh, sing one you know"

You didn't know what came over you today, you just felt the urge to cry. Problems after problems kept on coming non-stop, ever since you've graduated.

For example, you broke up with Sugawara, your high school sweetheart. It was a mutual kind of break, the two of you agreed to part ways, he wanted to move to Tokyo, while you had to stay in Miyagi because you needed to take care of your ill brother.

You text each other quite often when the two of you had any breaks in your work and daily life. But time passed and the two of you didn't talk as much.

You were working multiple jobs, to pay for your brother's medications, but nowadays the prices for simple medicine are high and your jobs weren't paying enough. Ukai, the coach of the volleyball team at your former school, took you in. He gave you a job at his family shop. He would give you free lunch, much to your protest of letting you pay for it.

But ever winter begun, things have been much harder. The illness that your brother had worsened and you were desperate. You brought him to his weekly checkup, the doctor said that your brother might not make it.

But I promise you this I'll always look out for you Yeah, that's what I'll do

That's what brought you to where you are right now, your head in your hands, crying your heart out. Your throat raw and scratchy from shouting. You never felt so helpless, so hopeless. And the fact it was almost Christmas made you feel worse.

Your phone buzzed.

[5:30 pm] Suga: Hey Y/N!

[5:30 pm] You: kōshi...

[5:30 pm] Suga: hey, what's wrong?

[5:31 pm] You: ...

[5:31 pm] Suga: I'm calling you.

A second later, your phone rang,

"Hey, Y/N?" You hear his voice through the phone, you missed it. The tears came back. "Hey, are you crying?" He said, worriedly. You heard rustling. "Suga..." "What is it? Did something happened?" You sobbed. "Everything happened." You choked out.

"Oh my, Y/N, I'm so sorry." He said. " 'need you, kō." You said. You heard him take a deep intake of air. "I'm heading over to Miyagi later tonight." He said. "Kō-"

"No objections. You need me right now, I promised I'd always look out for you, don't you remember? Even if we broke up." He said. You did. You would never forget the things you did together, even if you tried. "I'm staying until Christmas." He said again. "Are you sure?" You said. "Yes. I'm not leaving until you're okay." He whispered.

"Thank you. Kō." You whispered. "No problem Y/N, you still put the spare key at the same place right?" You hummed in reply. "Alright, I'll see you then. Bye." He said.

My heart is yours It's you that I hold on to Yeah, that's what I do

Sugawara was packing his clothes in his bag as quickly as he can, he didn't want to waste another minute. He needed to know that you, physically, are okay. That you didn't... hurt yourself or anything. He rushed to a supermarket to buy a fruit basket for your brother.

He called his parents to tell them that he's coming over and that he would be staying at your house in the meantime. They were ecstatic. He ended the call and made his way to the train station.

He couldn't wait to see you again.

You were at the hospital. Your brother was in a bad shape. He was still bedridden, too weak to stand but strong enough to sit up and move his arms. You stroked through his hair, he liked it when you did that. You felt him leaning towards your touch. Your heart broke and you start to tear up.

"Hey, kiddo." He said, his voice raspy. You looked at him, with a smile. "Hey there, big bro." You said. "Are you crying? Please don't cry." He said, his shaky hand reached up and wiped your tears. You held his hand and place it on the bed. "Save your energy," you said. "You need to get better okay? I know you can." You whispered. He nodded. "I will. And when I do, I'll pay you back for everything you've for me." "Oh, there's no need-" He shushed you. "Don't think I don't know that you've been taking extra shifts at Sakanoshita's." You sighed. "You caught m-"

"S-Sugawara!"

Turning around, you saw him.

He still kept his usual go-lucky self, but you could tell he was out of breath. From running, you guessed. He still looked so good as the last time you saw him. "Kō." You gasped. His eyes connected to yours and he was love-struck all over again.

"Y/N." He said, breathless. He placed the fruit basket next to the hospital bed. He greeted your brother, gave him a light shoulder pat and he finally looked at you. He hugged you gently, taking his time to feel you in his arms again. "You okay?" He whispered. You shook your head against his neck.

"Get a room you two."

The two of you pulled away, flushed.

You went to your brother, lightly smacking his head. "Ouch~" He whined. You sighed and kissed the spot where you hit him. He beamed. "I need to head out now. Remember to take your meds, and remember to eat the food that they gave you-" You rambled. "I know, kiddo. I'll be fine for now. Go reunite with loverboy over there." He teased. You hugged him before saying goodbye.

——————————

The two of you were sitting on your couch. You were nervous, fiddling with your fingers. He was sitting next to you, his eyes giving you small glances every now and then.

“So, do you want to tell me what happened this evening?”

Sighing, you turned, moving to face him, you were looking down at your hands. It was hard, there was a lump in your throat, tough to swallow.

Seeing you were having trouble speaking, he slowly brought his hands up to hold yours, rubbing circles with his thumb, both to soothe you and ground you. "Take your time," he said, softly.

You were looking at him, teary-eyed. "It's so hard," you said. "What's hard?" he asked. "I've been taking multiple jobs. Working day and night, first, the cafè we used to go to." Taking a breath, holding back your tears. "Then at Shimada Mart, the restaurant down the street, and then at Sakanoshita's ." You said. "I was struggling financially. The money I worked so hard for, wasn't enough for my brother's treatment." You started sobbing.

Sugawara instinctively pulled you into the crook of his neck, but you pushed back with equal force, shaking your head. "I don't want to get you wet with my tears," you whispered. He lifted your chin with his finger. “You can cry on me.” Honestly, it would make him feel better- he wanted for you to seek comfort in him like you used to. While still seeing the slight hesitance, his worries increased tenfold. "Y/N..." he said.

"Kō.." You sobbed.

And I know I was wrong But I won't let you down Oh yeah I will, yeah I will, yes I will, yeah I will

His heart ached.

“Y/N, Look at me,” he cooed, he gave you a small smile, trying to put on a tough front for your sake, trying to conceal the way his heart was beating faster, the way his lips was twitching every so often, betraying the anxiety he was feeling inside. “Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" He whispered. "I would've come sooner."

You looked at him. " But you have children to teach-" He shushed you softly. "There's a thing called substitute teachers, remember?" He reminded you. "You're way more important," he confessed.

You leaned forward, placing your head in the crook of his neck, your body slightly shaking. "The doctor's said that my brother might not make it-" you cried. "I was supposed to tell him earlier. But I couldn't bear to." You felt his arms wrap around you tightly. You almost had the nerve to cry harder, right then and there- you felt so hopeless while Sugawara, felt guilty.

He should've been there for you. But that doesn't matter now, because he was here with you. "He can get through this, I believe it," he said. "He's a fighter, like you." He whispered. You moved to look at him and chuckled sadly. "I'm no fighter, Kōshi," you said. You felt a poke on your forehead. "Negativity begone~" He joked softly. You smiled a little. "There's the smile I love-" He stopped suddenly. His cheeks were flushed. "I'm so sorry I-" You shushed him. "It's fine, Kōshi." You smiled.

The two of you sat in comfortable silence, in each other arms. You broke the silence. "Do- Do you still love me? After all this time?" You asked. He went silent for a minute before answering. "I do. I still do." He said. You looked at him. "I couldn't stop thinking about you ever since I moved to Tokyo." He continued. "I still haven't gotten used to you not being there, I still reach for you when I'm sleeping, and I still call out for you when I wake." You quietly exhale. He clasped your hands, his eyes looking for yours.

"Do you?" he asked. You looked at him, confused. "Do you feel the same way?" he said.

You nodded.

"I still do, Kō. I feel the same way." You say tears filled your eyes again. He smiled. And his hands reached up to caress your cheek. He stared into your eyes. You were nervous, the way he looked at you, with so much love and care. It was overwhelming, in a good way. You could feel that Sugawara truly loved you, truly cared for you. You felt butterflies in your stomach, just like the first time.

His eyes were on your lips, flickering back to look at you with a question, "May I kiss you?" he asked. Your tears welled over as you nodded. "Please," you whispered.

When his lips touched yours, you swore that you saw sparks. It reminded you of the first time the two of you kissed. His lips were soft and warm against yours. You missed this.

The both of you pulled away, breathless. "Did you see what I saw?" You quietly asked. He was crying too. Smiling as he nodded,

"I saw sparks."

Yeah, I saw sparks Yeah, I saw sparks And I saw sparks Yeah, I saw sparks Sing it out

#sugawara x gn! reader #sugawara x genderneutral reader #eli writes #haikyuu fanfics #haikyuu x reader #sugawara fanfiction #kōshi sugawara x gn! reader #kōshi sugawara #karasuno x reader #pretty setter squad

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uncertaininnit · 3 years

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Clingy duo headcanons for my dear anon Stella and also for me and my sanity and everyone else who wants them. P sure like none of these are completely original but like. I put my own brain into this. (Also I am listening to my huge amalgamation playlist of like every song I’ve likes since like 6th grade on shuffle so the tone of this may or my not be all over the fucking place) It’s important to remember I’m not a writer and so this is gonna sound awkward as FUCK. So.

My VERY FAVORITE Clingy duo headcanon to ever exist is the idea that they are very physical in their affection. Sometimes it just bubbles up in my mind randomly and I just grin stupidly. So here’s this.

(HOLY FUCK WHY AM I SO BAD AT DIALOUGE. GOOD STORIES HAVE DIOLOUGE AND I HUST FUCKING CANT)

I think maybe Tommy and Tubbo had met before this time?But idk so lets pretend not k-

(irl headcanon) When Tommy and Tubbo met for the first time, the hugged. Just a long hug. It was nice. They had known each other for YEARS, and were finally meeting in person. It was weird, seeing each other in person. Very awkward at first. But then Tubbo smiled his smile, the smile of Tommy’s best friend/ Tommy is put at ease, and practically lifted Tubbo up when he enveloped him in a hug.

(Jesus fuck, am I not a good writer this is so awkward um anyways)

Before Tommy asked Tubbo if he could stream on his computer, “for the vlog!”, they just talked. Tommy met Teagan and Lani, which was slightly awkward, and Tubbo ushered him into his room. They talked. Just about anything they would talk about normally. It was still weird at first, but as they slipped into the rhythm of their normal conversations, it felt the same. They were the same people.

(What even happened to physical affection lmao its harder to write it into irl ill do more when i say my shit for dsmp!clingyduo)

After Tommy kicked Tubbo’s PC and accidentally fucked up his stream, he felt terrible. He didn’t mean to fucking KICK Tubbo’s computer! He hadn’t wanted to make his first impression on Tubbo’s parents ‘the kid who broke their kid’s computer’! But the computer was fine. Tommy kept apologizing while they were trying to get it to turn on, worried about what Tubbo would think of him.

But of course, Tubbo is very very nice and forgiving and understanding. He put his hand on Tommy’s shoulder.

“Hey- Tommy,” he said, snapping Tommy out of his panicked spiral. “It’s fine! Why don’t we go to the beach or something? For the content?” He adds, nudging Tommy with a grin on his face. Tommy lets a relieved smile spread across his face as he grabs his phone, “Sure, big man.”

damn. that was bad. i cant write dialouge for the life of me. isnt this supposed to be headcanons? why dont i just write them like, i dunno, headcanons? anyway. dsmp time. maybe there wi;; actually be physical affection involved??? i really meant to write in shit i wanted but it didnt make sense like narrative wise

i dunno what the family dynamic is going to be? so i’ll vary. also cant fucking do bullet points on browser. fucking tumblr. anyways

the idea that tommy just found tubbo. playing in the park, in a box by the side of the road, chasing bees in a feild. he saw him and went ‘that boy looks like someone i want to go through EVERYTHING with. i want him.’ and just takes him as his own.

they are like 6 or something because baby duo awwwwwwe

“THIS BOY,” he grabs the boy in question’s hand, “IS WITH ME NOW.” He turns to beam at him and introduces himself. “HI! I’m Tommy!” Without missing a beat, the other boy introduces himself right back. “Hello! I’m Tubbo!”

He appeared to accept his fate as Tommy’s new best friend as he unlaced their fingers and went back to chasing around the bees. (I guess I took the idea of a field and ran w/ it lmao) Tommy furrowed his brow, trying to figure out why Tubbo wasn’t scared. Wilbur taught him to never provoke the bees, they could hurt him if he wasn’t careful. Normally he’s happy to jump into danger but he always listens to Wilbur when he’s serious. (hahahhaha sneaked some v sweet big bro wilbur into this)

“TUBBO?” Tommy yelled, “What are you doing?”

Tubbo ran back over, smiling. “Playing with the bees! I love bees.”

“But... can’t they sting you, with they asses? Aren’t you worried?”

Tubbo smiled, grabbing Tommy’s hand again. “They never sting me!” He giggled, dragging Tommy through the field. “Come on!”

Despite his former skepticism, Tommy lightened up and ran with Tubbo, as Wilbur, who had been giving slight supervision, grew worried. Eventually he was satisfied and got back to his book.

Tommy and Tubbo finally ran out of breath and tried to catch breaths through their fits of giggles. Tommy released Tubbo’s hand and INSATANTLY got stung by a bee. FUCK WAIT IN SATAN LY I FUCKING CANT SHDGJDBSBGD anyway

INSATANLYSHGF

As soon as Tommy released Tubbo’s hand a bee landed on him and just drove that pointed ass into his arm. “WHAT THE FUCK?!?????!?!?!???!?!!!?!??!?!” He yelled before bursting into tears.

Wilbur, suddenly alert as fuck, sprints over with his long-ass legs and bends down to comfort Tommy, only to find him buried in the arms of another little boy. The one he had been running with a minute ago. Tommy sobbed into the boy’s shirt and yelled, “WHAT THE FUCK! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THEY WOULDN’T STING!”

“I said they never stung ME before. I don’t know why they stung you. Does it hurt that badly?” Tubbo replied as Tommy hugged him tighter.

(the pov really said ---------------^^^^^^^^^^^^^--------, the ^ being a weird-ass change. we didnt need a singular paragraph from wilbur’s pov but oh well)

Wilbur kneeled down, “Oh come on, Tommy. It doesn’t hurt that bad. You’re just a fucking dramatic little bitch. Come on.” Wilbur grinned out an apology to Tubbo as he reached out to grab Tommy to try and get him home and composed.

Tommy ducked away, holding on to Tubbo tightly, and Tubbo giggled again and smiled up at Wilbur. “Can I come?”

“YEAH!” Tommy jumped up in excitement, “I WANT TUBBO TO COME WITH ME!”

Wilbur looked around, not seeing anyone who appeared to be in charge of Tubbo. It looked like he wasn’t going to be able to get Tommy to budge without bringing Tubbo along. He sighed.

Tommy and Tubbo linked arms and sang and they walked home. Tommy forgot almost instantly that he was ever stung, much to Wilbur’s annoyance.

adbhvejw they are so sweet. glad i figured out to write link halfway through. maybe its easier to write babyinnit and babybo. idk. anyway sorry this took so FUCKING long and here it is

#its so hard to write fluff when apex predator suddenly comes in #on*#may or may not be keeping a log of my music experience in the tags lmaooo #your sister was right... damn #WHAT A SWITCH LMAOOOO #ohh choke #good good song #still much angst #i dont really have many fluffy songs on this playlist #do i #i do not lmao #its either musical or fnaf or something else #idk man #to smile while you suffocate and die~#dude #right hand manhjfkds #man this sing used to be my favorite in hamilton #its still good #WHY DO I USE THE WORD AWKWARD SO MUCHHSDGFH #INCOMINGGGG #dude that like... noise #after the word incoming #that used to be the ONLY reason right hand man was my favorite #its just such a good fucking little noise #though the rest of the song is still pog as fuck #how th FUCK do you spell rythm #im gonna look it up #rhythm fucking unnessicary h #fucking h goddamn it #fucking newsies overture

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heavenlysageee · 3 years

Text

Storms Like These

Chapter 3: Hydrangeas in Bloom

fandom: BNHA/Dabi/Shinsou

pairing: Dabi x GN!Reader

word count: 1616 words

!Possible TW!: complicated grief, depression, mentions of death

>> Previous Chapter << >> Next Chapter<<

a/n: thank you so much for keeping up with the story this far! i have been a little pre-occupied with stuff at home and university but i’m doing my best to try and continue the story!

»» — — — — ♡— — — — «« ♡ »»— — — — — — ♡ — — — — ««

Reader’s POV

Your hands carefully wrap the clear plastic around the wildflower bouquet and set it to the side for an order. It’s one of your favorites, it isn’t restrictive, it’s a spontaneous but pretty bouquet. The sun was almost setting, which means you’re almost free. You untie your flower shop apron and glance over at Hitoshi surrounded by purple wolfsbane, his hair was so bright it’s like he belonged there. He was spritzing it with water and mindlessly checking for their health. As if noticing your glances, he brings one particularly ill-looking camellia plant over and carefully pushes it onto the counter.

Looking at you expectantly, he gestured toward the flower and said, “Alright, do your thing and save the poor soul.”

You gently smile and your fingers snake around the base of the potted plant allowing your quirk to regenerate the life of the plant. You feel heat in your finger tips and little sparks of green are apparent while you watch the original rouge of the flower return into its venation. Once the flower regains its former beauty, Hitoshi grabs it and says, “Imagine what you could’ve done if you were a pro-hero like me. We would’ve been partners roaming the streets and protecting its citizens just like how we told mom we would.”

Your hands quickly slip away from the counter and you turn away toward the window. “And I tell you the same answer over and over again Toshi, it’s just not my thing. We were kids. I promised mom I would take care of the flower shop and I know she wouldn’t want me to abandon it.” The slight tension that filled the air after you mentioned your mom was palpable. The silence was so painful that it almost physically hurt. Your hands balled into fists at your side and you try to relieve the awkward tense energy filling your body by doing menial tasks like counting stock.

“I’m sorry, for uh, mentioning mom.” You mutter before timidly glancing at your brother who hasn’t spoken a word. His face was devoid of expression while he looked at you. Crap. I really struck a nerve this time around.

He gave a half-smile and replied, “No one told you to abandon it. Just - consider it at least one of these days. I’d like to hang out with my blood, after all, you’re all I have left of mom.” Hitoshi untied his apron and folded it onto the counter quietly. He looked you in the eyes and spoke in small sentences, “I’m uh - gonna start to head upstairs to your apartment for a bit just to clear my head. I’ll see you in a bit.”

The guilt washed over you like an icy bucket of water. When Mom passed away, Hitoshi’s grieving process was complicated. After the burial, you couldn’t get in contact with him for 3 months, he just disappeared. Always leaving unreturned voice-mails and countless calls, you couldn’t take the stress of wondering where he was. You drove 3.5 hours to his place and stormed into his apartment.

Before you could even open the door, your body froze. Whether it was the stupid sibling “intuition” or your own fear, it took every muscle fiber in your body to turn the spare key to his apartment. You opened the door and his apartment was absolutely horrific. The stench was a mixture of old food and unwashed laundry, plates were stacked high in the sink, shattered alcohol bottles and pictures of your mom littered the floor. When you got to his room, you found him on the floor curled up in a ball releasing the most gut-wrenching cry. His room was just as equally messy with the bed sheets haphazardly thrown off the bed, laundry basket overflowing, and no light in his room whatsoever.

You’ll never forget that moment, you didn’t know what else to do except scoop him into your arms and hold him. You’re all he has left. He wasn’t wrong.

Shaking yourself from the memory, the door to the storefront swung open with a little ring. “Hello, welcome to The Garden, how can I help you?” Familiar purple and olive skinned hands pressed flat against the counter filling your nose with a mix of leather and cigarettes. Your eyes trace up to find Dabi leaning onto your counter holding his chin up with a confident smile plastered across his face.

“Hello angel, how’s it been since the last time we met? Missed me?” You rolled your eyes to try and hide the little sparks that flittered along your skin into your stomach. You met his eyes and brought your face to the same level as his leaving only a few inches of space between you two. “It was just last night, I couldn’t miss you even if I tried.”

His eyes seemed to run down your features as if he was burning every inch of your face into his mind’s eye, stopping at your lips. “Well, I sure as hell missed you gently tending to me. So I just had to come back for round two.” This man is too damn smooth - it’s almost alarming. Straightening your posture, you returned your position at the register and asked him, “What’s the real reason you came to my flower shop and not my apartment?”

He straightened at your question and began to take a look around the entire flower shop. “You said I could ask you for help with absolutely anything. So I came here to your business to ask you for a favor as a prospective business partner.” You raised your eyebrows at his suggestion but figured it wouldn’t hurt to hear him out. Crossing your arms you pivot your attention toward the burnt man in the leather jacket. “Go on.”

His lips upturned into a half smile and glanced at you from the side. “I can’t say it here though, it’s a bit of a private affair. You know, just between you and I. I can’t just let anybody hear it.” Your brows furrowed in confusion. What the hell is he talking about? What kind of favor is this?

Before you could inquire any further, he shook his head and shoved his hands into his ripped jean pockets. “I’ll call you and we can just meet up at a joint I know. Somewhere you and I can talk comfortably.” He pulls his phone out and hands it over to you expectantly. You tilt your head to the side still clouded in slight confusion but texted yourself from his phone nevertheless. He grabs his phone back from you and his other hand slides cash across the counter toward you.

You laughed a little, “Dabi, what is this for? You don’t need to pay me for giving you my number.” He shook his head and picked up one hydrangea, “I’ll contribute to your business in exchange for helping me. Consider this my expression of gratitude if you will. It’s a pleasure doing business with you dollface.”

Once his lanky figure disappears from sight, you finish closing up the register and lock the store. You’re not sure what it is about him but he makes you feel valuable and pursued. Maybe it’s just your heart getting a little lonely or bored, but it’s a nice feeling to be chased by another person. You flip the light switch, do one last check that all the closing tasks are done and post a little post-it note for the opening staff to look at.

Going up the stairs to your apartment you notice that Shinsou was standing in your kitchen drinking a bottle of water looking slightly disgruntled. You fell onto the couch and gave your legs a much needed stretch from standing the entire shift. Turning toward Hitoshi, you frown and ask, “What’s got you all mad like that for? You look more dead than usual?”

Your question seemed to shake his mind out of whatever was bothering him and he put on the warm smile you liked. “Nah, it’s nothing. Just stressed about work, big hero things.” You shrug it off and flip through channels on the TV, “Yeah, no that sounds like something out of my specialty. All you bro.”

He approaches you onto the couch and after a few minutes of enjoying each other’s company, he asks, “Do you keep track of all the customers in your store?” You chuckle and turn to him, “Uh, not really Toshi. There’s usually too many people to keep count of. You know, there’s weddings, funerals, and the usual couples or filial children.” Before you could continue any further he replies abruptly, “Just watch out okay? Like I told you, I’ve been assigned to a nearby area. So I don’t want you letting your guard down.”

Giving him a comforting nudge, you smile, “You know me better than that, you know I’m not like that.” He looks down and seems to be satisfied with your answer. He stretches his legs out and leans back on the other end of the couch opposite of you. “You cool with it if I sleep over in the guest room for tonight? I’m a little too lazy to drive back right now. Plus, I have a shift patrolling here tomorrow anyways since it’s my first day with the agency I was telling you about.” You kick him in the calf with the one leg that was resting on the couch. “So that’s what you were planning all along loser?” You shook your head and continued watching the TV. Hitoshi playfully sings, “I didn’t hear a no, so I’m gonna take it as a yes.”

#hitoshi shinso #dabi x gender neutral reader #dabi x yn #dabi x reader #mha imagines #touya x reader #bnha fanfiction #dabi fanfic #dabi my hero academia #touya x y/n #dabi x gn reader #dabi todoroki

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snow-wind-and-all-we-will-find · 3 years

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Hi! My names arthur and im working on improving my word and building my story, which currently has no name haha! I have a myriad of characters who ill try to list out and give brief descriptions of, aether is technically my main character and some of the characters who are up for question are dead in canon. But you can still ask them stuff, itll just be set before death.

When asking characters questions, rememeber to include the name, their age if theres diffrent ages, i dont mind repeated questions, but if you see the question try not to ask it again lol. If you cant find it with a quick scroll just ask it, although i dont know if this blog will even get that big.

Aether

He comes in three evolutions lol, technically, theres four but idk if i would count 7 year old aether.

Ages: 13 yo - colder, hasnt gotten used to emotions, there are two to this as well, pre-rev and then post-rev 13 yo aether, remember to specify lol.

16 yo- a bit more out there, still kinda disconnected and figuring things out, a bit more defensive

22 yo- lax, hes sorta figured shit out, hes not going to go grazy, hes just gonna be chill lol.

!The gaggle Ghosts!

Yurei

Her personality is very, ehhh, becuase i havnt done work with her, and i havnt completly figured out who she is fully yet, shes 18 yo when aether is 22 yo

18 yo- pretty oblivious, somehow still a bit cynical, very nice and sometimes motherly

Kakoku

Few thousand- mean, likes to bully yurei as he huants her, lowkey a simp for yurei but he wont admit that. Kinda cynical and likes to bring others down, generally a bully

Tamashi

19- emotionless, has to be a really strong emotion to make her emote, tends to stray away from other people, likes to be alone, blunt

Gunnar

A few thousand- sweet, warm and welcoming, tries to be very fatherly and a trusted figure, is very busy most of the tiime unfortunatly though.

!The greek gang!

Argus agapov

16- unstable, pretty baby, protective over friends and family

Mythos agapov

23- whore. He also loves his family, lowkey, hes a trad wife

Perceus

15/16- timid, intrested in posiosn and acids, generally quiet, likes to eat leaves, scaredy cat

Diogenes

14- germ of phobe, kind of a brat, more just a bitch, will yell at you if he sees your hands were dirty from gardening or something while you’re walking to the sink, other than that hes fine, picky eater

Herodotus

15- disorginized, trys his best, likes to write stuff down, helps plato with his writing and grammar in general, gullible, likes record data, has a nice typewriter with tha good clicky clack

Plato

8- sweet baby boi, loves his older brother (socrates), idolizes him even, not a good idea though. He writes down everything socrates does, sometimes he imitates his brother as well.

Socrates

17- dumb of ass, also just dumb, held back a grade, feral child, bites alot of people, soft aestechic but hed stab as a warning

Heracles

30- also dumb of ass, loves cars in that ‘mah babeh’ kinda way. Hates motorcycles, he thinks they’re ugly. Chaotic but he utilizes it to be the weird and cool uncle/cousin thing

Zeus

46- too tired for this shit, is a dad, went out to get milk, jk jk, dissapeared for a hot few years, probably got captured by some gang dunno, it happens. Very serious, would make the dumbest jokes with his brothers with a straight face

Hades

50- lowkey the neglected middle child, soft goth lookin ass, loves his kid, tries his best to raise his kid, sometimes gets help from esme

Poseidon

57- proud stay at home dad, buff but does the typically wifely duties, makes sure his children get enough love, nutrience and care

Lillith

54- very active, the money maker, kinda soft, both her and her husband poseidon are so just in love with their kids, dote on them constantly, very extroverted, always makes time for her kids

Esme

51- tired of zeus’ shit, does her best to make sure no one dies, still treats mythos as her ‘little baby boy, tired mom vibes.

!the Eden gang!

Eden is a fictional country that i slapped onto the globe. It is where aether is from, technically aether is apart of the eden gang as well. Everyone here, if they have an age option, the first age option is the age they are when aether is 13, and the second will be when aether is 16 unless stated otherwise

General kyelli

49- fatherly, thinks of most of the gang as his children, calls everyone ‘son’, as a general rule. If you ask for another nickname, he will do his best. Has a bad knee, and is kinda of bad at existing physically

52+- fatherly still, loves almonds, always has a bag of almonds, dont test him. Enjoys travel, might adopt people he meets along the way, still has pains but now he sees doctors, wants to stay active

Indigo

13- sweet, optimistic, always looks on the brightside and tries to see the good in others. Little heater, understands that sometimes fighting is the only option

Akrano

16- lively, very loose and relax, can get serious when needed though, always making jokes and trying to lighten up the mood

19- a bit more, mellow. Still quite lively and childish, but with two signifigant-others you have to settle down sometimes

Ekrano

16- lively, more stern than akrano and kinda worried, but ultimatly also very loose and bright

Lilliana

16- serious, seemingly colder towards everyone, gets along great with psycho-lops, makes him new eye-patches to pass time, actually just very monotone and blank most of the time, although she does care

19- she doesnt change much, she got a bit more expressive, likes babysitting howl

Psycho-lops

16 1/2- always looks determined, actually kinda scared of conflict, likes to help out with healing though, very proficient in it as well, sounds intimidating while talking about how cute puppies and kittens are

19/20- still the same, is considering studying medicine and medical practices to become a doctor.

Bark

17- bright, incredibly lively, loves to joke around and tease and sometimes bully the others, targets aether primarily, hangs out with his brother most of the time, he can fight for himself but he likes the backup, especcially since he is kinda glass-jawed, being that hes a twig

Bite

17- quiet, intense eyes, always sounds vaugly confused when he speaks, deep voice lol, likes to train, doesnt understand barks need to tease others, likes to read to the children

20- quiet, intense eyes still, more so nervous sounding, slightly paranoid, cluastrophobic and cant stand dusty places, usually in his house or at the docks, doesnt really go anywhere else

Hanelle

17- loud, headstrong, adamant about her opinions, gets along well with bark, she tries alot to be intimidating, not a twig, but not very big, pretty friendly and sociable

!the band of pirates!

Aklea

A few hundreds of years- kinda bored seeming, loves blood, technically cannibal, but not really since he isnt human, to an extent. Despite being fine on the ocean, he gets very car sick very easily. Actually quite nice, very easily triggerd into violence, especcially by something that could be used as a good murder weapon, blood makes him jittery and more lively

Nerone

21- calm, too calm, deals with akleas bullshit wonerfully, he just stands there, blank smile on his face as aklea beats the shit outta someone, unintrested in most anything, likes to draw, but hes a much better pastry chef.

!the shakespears!

Midem(pink boi)

33- lively, loves to work with kids, very creative, likes to make things, mainly art, mainly carvings. Often make little minitures of scenes from midens writing, loves his twin, does anything it takes to fund midens intrests. Very loving to those hes close to

Miden

33- calmer by alot lmao, pretty introverted but he can hold a long conversation without becoming too drained, enjoys writing and making stories, also makes plays for fun, runs off little sleep cuase he stays up so late to write, and gets up early to write.

!gods!

Gideon

9 billion- confused boomer, loves his ‘children’, hates to be hated, always tries to help in anyway he can, despite making them, always curious into what mortals are doing, loves the universe he created and does anything he can to protect it

Merik

7 million- sore loser, does get a little salty, ultimatly bounces back and becomes a very good sport, always will adopt tactics, whatever it takes to win within the rules, keeps most all of his trophies from random feats hes done

Ventus

5 billion - calm, straightforward, tends to disregard others and do things himself, likes to sit on cliffs and watch the ocean

Kyle

Hes been around since 776 bc- very loud, lively, bright, tries his best to educate people on proper form, workout regime i intesne, doesnt allow others to take it, makes custom workout regimes for free, owns a gym, dude bro but hes nice, baby

Horo-sha

Her age technicaly is not accurate, shes like, 2 billion? Since dima was made right after her death. But since her history still lives, ima count it

5 billion but older than ventus- bitter, violent, former god of justice, fucking dead haha, hates mortals, primarily humans

Dima

Also not super accurate, hed only be a few centuries of being an active god before being sealed, but since hes technically, concious and has cognitive function hes counted

3 billion- mean lol, likes blood and gets even more violent when it starts getting messy, ‘new’ god of justice, uh, pretty bad at it like the last one, but worse, will kill over slight misdeameanors, everythings a crime smh

!misc!

Ivan

24- softspoken, from imperial russia, died young, he no longer feels his face is his own, has a mask that he likes better, has the sickness, but since he was human it killed him, can control it post mortem, is strong enough to be seen, but weak enough he can go invisible and go through solid objects.

More ocs will be added when i remember them, or create new ones, characters i dont really have built at all are not included

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creek-cryptid-deluxe · 3 years

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I just want to clear something up, in case there's anyone who can only see my notes with a user tagged on my "don't hate doctors/that's not ableism" rants.

I can no longer see the tagged user's comments, so I'm unsure if they are also gone for everyone else & it just looks like I'm going off at random.

So let's chat about why I went off, shall we?

Now, if you've been here at all, you've read my intro blurb which directs you to my pinned post. Within that pinned post there's a lot of information, some of which says that if you don't like what I have to say, my views, or my opinions based on my experience then don't read it. Nobody is forcing you to, so scamper off. It also says for those people to not "come for me" (as the kids say) in the notes because I will use those words, views, & opinions you dislike to verbally spar (and I have so much more experience at the verbal slap down) & then will screenshot & post it on here while laughing at your ridiculous hubris.

That same pinned post lays out, very clearly I think, my feelings & thoughts in a general way about the chronic illness community at large. And while I do have posts that are tagged with CI & EDS hashtags, I deliberately didn't tag these 2 posts. So to find them, this person who doesn't follow me had to go into my blog & scroll. And I don't mean go to my blog via the chronic pain post because the posts in question were posted after so they would only show if they went into my blog & started at the top.... where the pinned post is.

So anyone with half a damn brain knows what they are in for when scrolling through my shitshow, yeah? Yeah.

Welp, apparently that post about "why it's bad to promote doctor hate/that's not fucking ableism you whiny baby" got someone's undies in a bunch & they decided to let me know that according to them....

• I am invalidating people's medical trauma

(nowhere in that post did I say anything about medical trauma, but a doctor doing anything mentioned in my post will not cause such a thing. Waking up during a surgery, such as a gallbladder removal, & being unable to let them know so you just have to deal/watch, THAT would cause medical trauma. And if that sort of thing has happened to anyone reading, I am so so sorry. That is terrible & I hope you have been able to seek help in dealing with it.)

• That i am 'not allowed' to invalidate those people.

(Again, never did but also you don't get to police what I say on my blog sweet cheeks. And I think it's ironic that you're telling me that I can't invalidate someone's feelings/experience while simultaneously invalidating mine because... you read something you disagree with & decided it was a personal attack. Hm. Seems you might be the type of person I was talking about in both posts.)

• That I have NO IDEA what it's like to be misdiagnosed 10+ times.

( ok, #1 you have to be the most illiterate motherfucker who can still string together a typed sentence because both that post AND my pinned post clearly state that I wasn't diagnosed with vEDS until I was THIRTY FUCKING ONE. You think I just spent that time period thinking everything is fine and dandy while my joints crumbled & organs ruptured & got pneumonia every fucking winter? No, bitch! I was trying to sort it out & was misdiagnosed REPEATEDLY starting at 7 yrs old. So please, tell me again how I have no idea what that's like.

And #2. Unlike you, I actually went and looked at your blog pretty carefully. Since I have better reading comprehension than you, I saw that you are an uber dramatic 18 yr old kid who fancies herself an uber spoonie witch! I find everything about this deeply offensive.

#1. You're 18. Of course you're dramatic. You're a teen. But also, you have zero actual life experience but think you know everything... as literally every teen does... while actually knowing fuckall. Cute.

#2. You claim to be a witch because... you collect crystals and like the aesthetic. You know that the various branches of witchcraft are like... legit belief systems right? In fact a lot of them are actual religions with deities and rituals and everything. So while you are screeching about 'InVaLiDaTiOn' you're over there appropriating not just A religion, but an entire GROUP of varied & nuisanced religions and practices. Very uncool and very (feel like I'm beating a dead horse with this but...) ignorant.

"But you have witch in your blog title!"

Yeah bro. I'm a practicing green witch. In high school I did loads of research on the different types & branches of witchcraft. In my early 20s, I decided that green witchcraft really aligns with my beliefs & way of life, plus it caters to my distaste for deity worship & ritual. So...

#3. I can understand why you decided to get all indignant in my notes since in those 2 posts (and my various other rants about chronic illness communities & culture) you are EXACTLY WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT. People like you are what's wrong with the community. People like you are why it takes so long for young women, specifically, to be taken seriously by doctors.

BECAUSE OF OBVIOUSLY EXAGGERATING, VICTIM MENTALITY HAVING, DRAMA QUEENS LIKE YOU.

So kindly fuck off and grow the fuck up. When you are my age, you will look back at this & you will cringe so hard that it will cause you physical pain. Or you'll be the lady at the TJ Maxx screaming about discrimination because they won't let you return an item that is outside of their return policy.

For your sake I hope it's the former.

And if anyone else feels the way this youngster did, you can fuck off too. Again, nobody is pulling a Clockwork Orange & holding your eyes open, making you read my shitfest, opinion & experience filled blog.

♡ A chronically ill, disabled elder millennial ✌

There will be no reblogging of this post because while it may echo some of your personality sentiments, this is about a specific note on a specific post from a specific dramatic butthurt whiny baby user.

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hihoneyimdead · 4 years

Text

a dissection of anime nathaniel hawthorne in relation to the scarlet letter

In Which I’m Bored and Want to Talk About Anime Nathaniel Hawthorne and Why He’s More Interesting Than the Fandom Wants to Admit, and Also About Arthur Dimmesdale And Shit

This is going to be long. Fuck.

(spoilers through the manga, which i have not read all the way through, so take everything i say with a grain of salt. same goes for the scarlet letter, which i haven’t read in nearly four years. ripperoni bro)

Above is the topic of today’s procrastination, Anime Nathaniel Hawthorne from Bungo Stray Dogs. He is a member of an American organization called the Guild, he’s a preacher, and he has a superpower/ability called The Scarlet Letter that allows him to manipulate his own blood into scripture that can either harm or defend via spears and shit and then shields and shit.

He’s also a simp for Anime Margaret Mitchell, but I’ll be getting into that in a moment.

Anyway, here’s a better picture of our lovely reverend, this time with his ability:

Funny, right? But that’s what I’m gonna talk about today simply because I’m bored and I should be writing but I’m currently not and I really have a soft spot for this bitch of a preacher. Hawthorne here has a lot more to his character than a lot of people give him credit for, which makes sense because he is a relatively-minor character and all he’s been doing recently is getting cucked by Anime Fyodor Dostoevsky, and while he may currently be Comrade Assassin, he’s still a complex character if you look past what our favorite Russian pimp has been up to.

So a bit more about Hawthorne before I crack open my copy of his most famous book:

He is a preacher, not a priest, as shown by his choice in clothing. Priests don’t wear that, take it from a former Catholic. His clothes resemble the robes worn by classic Puritan preachers (such as the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, but we’ll get to him in a minute.) Whether that was on purpose or not I don’t know, but I’m aiming for a yes because Margaret Mitchell, his partner, wears a Southern belle-style outfit that Scarlett O’Hara (the main character of Mitchell’s most famous work, Gone With the Wind) wears, and John Steinbeck wears clothes reminiscent of Tom Joad (the main character of Steinbeck’s most famous work, The Grapes of Wrath.) It’s kind of a thing with the Guild. Edgar Allan Poe wears clothes that a goth around the time of Poe’s life would’ve worn. Same goes for Louisa May Alcott, Mark Twain, and H. P. Lovecraft. Meanwhile characters such as Lucy Maud Montgomery, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Herman Melville wear clothes that their characters (Anne from Anne of Green Gables, Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby, and whoever the fuck was in Moby Dick, respectively.) Hawthorne fits in with that last set of characters, which is funny considering the real life Hawthorne’s works.

In reality, Nathaniel Hawthorne was an American author in the early-to-mid-1800s who wrote many short stories, novels, and poems and shit, usually Romantic in nature. He started off, though, as a big member of the Transcendentalist movement. Transcendentalism, if you don’t know, is kind of like the 1800s equivalent of hippies. They were pretty anti-government and anti-religion, usually specifically anti-Christianity. These institutions corrupted the basis of mankind. Hawthorne himself helped form a utopian commune up in New England (it didn’t last long, don’t worry.) As he grew older, he grew out of that kind of writing and lifestyle and into the works we know him for today, such as his most famous novel, The Scarlet Letter. It, like many of his other works, contains allusions to religion and exists as a sort of criticism on it.

The Scarlet Letter is set in the middle of the 1600s in Puritan New England. The Puritans were known for being Super Christian. They did not pass the vibe check. The main character is Hester Prynne, a young woman convicted of adultery with an unknown father. After being “released” from prison after the birth of her daughter, Pearl, Hester is allowed to move around outside of prison. But to signify her “evilness”, she must have a red letter ‘A’ on the front of her dress at all times (the eponymous and extremely metaphoric scarlet letter.) Besides Hester and Peal, main characters include Roger Chillingsworth, a doctor and Hester’s ex-husband from England who has vowed to track down the father and have him punished as well, and the Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, who is sick All of the Time For No Apparent reason. By the end of the novel it’s revealed that Dimmesdale’s illness is actually a manifestation of his guilt because he was Pearl’s father despite him being a reverend and all and Hester being an unmarried woman. He ends up dying in the end after professing his guilt and showing the town the red letter ‘A’ that God supposedly engraved upon the skin on his chest.

So let’s start here with a brief summary of Dimmesdale’s actions in the book as recalled by someone who hasn’t read it in four years but who is looking at the Wikipedia article right now.

We first meet him when he and another minister, John Wilson, question Hester as to who the father of her child was. She doesn’t answer. The next time we see him in person is when Hester goes to the governor to ask if she can keep Pearl. She pleads with Dimmesdale and Wilson (who is there too for some reason), and he manages to persuade the governor to let her keep her child. At some point soon after, his health really begins to decline, and Chillingsworth moves in as a physician. Chillingsworth discovers a weird symbol of guilt on Dimmesdale’s chest while the poor guy sleeps after suspecting that the preacher’s illness is a manifestation of an unknown guilt. Dimmesdale, filled with guilt, goes to the town square in the middle of the night one day and screams his guilt to the heavens, but he can’t make himself do it during the day. Hester, shocked by the poor guy’s whole deal, decides to break her vow of silence. She calls Dimmesdale outside of town and tells him that they’re going to move to Europe together and start a new life with Pearl. He agrees and seems reinvigorated. They go back to town, and all’s fine until he gives a really good sermon on Election Day. After that, he professes his guilt and dies in Hester’s arms. People there claim to see a “stigma” in the shape of a letter ‘A’ on his chest, though others say there’s nothing there.

Dimmesdale is a man consumed by his guilt. He physically and mentally declines because of his guilt and his unwillingness to expose himself for the sinner he really is, though, through it all, he supports Hester and Pearl as best he can considering his station as the town minister. He’s supposed to be the beacon of mortality, the person everyone should look up to and respect and learn from. And here he is, an adulterer, and a liar. And when he finally grows past his guilt and decides to let it out in favor of leaving and starting life anew, he dies, consumed, supposedly, by the wrath of God. He “falls” as a sinner, struck down by the very flames of Hell themselves. Or, more likely, a regular heart attack. He died of shock, poor guy.

Compare that to Anime Nathaniel Hawthorne. He starts out as a member of a secret association who, according to its leader, Fitzgerald, doesn’t do good, but does what needs to be done. That’s probably why Hawthorne joined it in the first place. While his main goal has always been eradicating sinners from the face of the Earth, he probably started out as a regular old minister. Eradicating doesn’t always mean killing, and this is shown as he only attacks those who threaten his work, his partner (wink), and himself. This changes after the woman he loves throws herself in the way of an attack and nearly gets herself killed saving him. In canon, she’s still in a coma. In canon, he gave himself completely into sin because of his guilt and love for her. And that’s where the similarities between Hawthorne and Dimmesdale really start.

Let’s start with the obvious guilt complex. This goes along with what I believe Dostoevsky’s ability, Crime and Punishment, does. I believe it feeds off of an individual’s guilt, manipulating it and their mind in the process. We see this with Karma, a young man Dostoevsky kills. Karma, in his last moments, goes through all he went wrong with in his life (you know, or as much as a manga page or two can have) and dies knowing that he’ll never achieve his dream. That’s a more extreme example, I think, and not one I should really be using as evidence for anything considering it’s the only example of this really happening. Every other person that Dostoevsky kills with his ability just drops dead without the audience seeing into their thoughts. He’s got an insta-kill ability, but my theory builds off the idea that he can control living or dying. Hawthorne came to Dostoevsky to work for Dostoevsky’s organization, the Rats in the House of the Dead, in exchange for Mitchell getting “revived”. He might look cool on the outside, but he left the Guild, his friends, because Mitchell got hurt. He loves her, and he says as much in the manga (the anime didn’t say so, but left it unsaid and obvious to those looking.) The next time we see Hawthorne, he’s a mindless assassin who really only remembers Mitchell from his past, and the assassin who nearly killed her. His guilt twisted him into someone completely different from how he was before, even looking physically leaner and as different a brief appearance in a manga and anime can make someone look. He’s even lost his glasses, and any normal look in his eye. It’s kinda like the main character of Crime and Punishment from what I can tell, but I also haven’t read that book so take what I say on that with a gain of salt.) He’s consumed by his guilt (thanks, Fyodor.) Guilt is a big part of his character (as much of a character as he has currently, anyway.) The same can be said for Dimmesdale, who, as I’ve said before was consumed by his own guilt and sin until his death.

I hope that Hawthorne doesn’t end up as dead as Dimmesdale did when he reunites with his supposed love interest (love interests aren’t really a thing in this series, which makes Hawthorne and Mitchell even more interesting to me.) I hope he gets a happy ending, but... that probably won’t happen unless Dostoevsky dies, which seems like an end-game thing to me. He’s a bad dude with slight plot armor.

Anyway, past the guilt, their relationship with the respective women in their lives is another important and interesting parallel. Dimmesdale, even through Hester’s punishment, more or less treats her as he would’ve before Pearl. I believe that he did truly love her in his own pitiful way, though not as much as he loved his relationship with God, as seen by his continued guilt and shit. But it’s important to note that he seemed to admit his own love for Hester by agreeing to run away to Europe with her, and he did so in little ways throughout the story by helping her keep Pearl and by really just giving her a lighter sentence than a lot of women would’ve gotten. Puritan ministers were up there with government officials in the law (look at the witch trials, for example), so he would’ve definitely had input on her punishment. Most women would’ve been stoned or banished from the town or colony. Hester, notably, was let off relatively easy with just the emblem and the vague banishment to living in a house outside of town alone with her daughter. Hawthorne’s partner was Margaret Mitchell, and from the very beginning until the assassin skewered them, the two of them argued. Honestly, they bickered a lot like an old married couple. It was kinda cute in a weird way. Neither of them would obviously admit their feelings for each other. Both are proud people, Mitchell coming from a disgraced rich family and Hawthorne being a man of God. But his concern for her becomes evident the moment she gets stabbed clean through and impaled a dozen feet above the ground. That’s when he really gets on the offensive, and when she’s destroyed (image below), he calls her by her first name for the first, and only, time, looking completely destroyed (image also below.) He nearly manages to kill the assassin. And when he wakes up and sees that she isn’t going to wake up, he leaves those he cares about to fix his mistake of letting her get this hurt.

When we see Hawthorne next, he is willing to do anything to redeem himself for his mistake. When we meet him as an assassin for the first time, in the manga he says something along the lines of “I, for the revival of the one I love, will fulfill the contract of death”. Which is... not normal, I’ll admit. Poor guy. In the anime, he says something different that I don’t remember, but that was similar if not slightly different (again, the anime isn’t as explicit with their relationship as the manga.) Meanwhile she’s in a coma and is likely not to be revived by those Hawthorne pledged his allegiance to, but those he left behind.

The two ministers here follow generally the same path of sin. They start out as the badass ministers they really are, men of God. Then, one way or another, they fall deeper and deeper into sin as they go. For Dimmesdale, that was boning Hester Prynne and hiding it from the town and corrupting himself with his guilt. For Hawthorne, that was ‘allowing’ his partner to ‘die’ and surrendering himself to a higher power to try and get her back, losing himself in the process. In the end, both men are shells of their former selves. Dimmesdale dies sick. Hawthorne is a brainwashed assassin. Dimmesdale’s higher power, God, is ultimately what killed him, and his devotion is what really did him in. Hawthorne is probably gonna die or get otherwise written out, I have a feeling (several villains in this show have, just look at Pushkin and Mark Twain and even Mitchell herself.) If he is, it’ll be Dostoevsky or one of his weird Russian friends doing him in or taking him out of the picture. He’ll likely never see Mitchell again and he will die due to his newfound devotion to a “god” who is willing to punish him for going to far.

And guys, Hawthorne’s ability is literally the titular scarlet letter. What else can I say?

Honestly, I’m not sure what this post was, only that I killed a good three hours writing it and that it gave me yet again a newfound appreciation for something I used to hate. It was Anime Hawthorne, but before that it was IRL Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter. Thank you American public school system.

#i refuse to tag this but yeah.#this isn't going in the main tag #i mostly wrote this bc a couple folks on the discord wanted to see it #i've gotten a real appreciation for anime hawthorne recently so yeah #he's still a villain but he's more complex than some people make him out to be #i guess #i wanna do more of these with other unlikable characers #next is steinbeck... which would mean i have to actually read the grapes of wrath ew #or watch it ew

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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Name: Stephanie.

Country: USA.

Age: 31.

Gender(s): Female

Height: ~5′4

weight: 70-something lbs.

eye color: Brown.

skin color: White.

Heritage: I’ve been really wanting to do one of those ancestry dna or 23 and me tests to find out exactly what I am. Relationship status: Single.

Are you physically healthy? No.

Are you mentally healthy? Nope

Job?: No job.

school: I graduated college back in 2015.

Favs:

Animal: Dogs and giraffes.

Flower: I don’t really have one.

Movie: I have many favorites.

TV show: I have many favorites.

Music: I like variety.

Band: One of them will always be Linkin Park.

Video Game: Mario Bros games and Animal Crossing: New Horizon

Gaming Console: Nintendo Switch.

Name: Alexander. ;)

Person: My family.

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope.

2: Do you love them?

3: Are you still in love with an ex? No.

4: How many people have you dated? Two.

5: Do you think you’ll get married? No.

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship? No.

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? I’m single, but no I don’t think I have in the past. But if I didn’t know it then I wouldn’t know?

8: Whats important to you in a relationship? Communication, trust, understanding, patience.

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them)? I’m singleeee.

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I personally don’t think so.

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have? Zero.

2: What type of friend are you? Not a good one anymore.

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yeah. My former best friend and I were friends for almost 15 years.

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none? One, my mom.

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why? Yes.

6: Do you get along with family? Yes.

7: Do you have a family member you hate? No.

8: Does your family accept who you are? Yes.

9: Are you an only child or have siblings? I have 2 brothers.

10: Do you have parents that still live together? Yes.

School:

1:What grade are you in? I’m not.

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)? Neither, like I said I graduated college back in 2015.

3: Whats your favorite class? English was always my favorite. In college I enjoyed most of my psych classes.

4: Do you have a fav school year? Elementary school years.

5: Are you a good student? I was, yeah.

6: Do you think homework is good or bad? I wouldn’t say it’s good or bad. I mean, I get seeing if you’re understanding then material and whatnot and applying it. I guess it depends on the amount assigned and what type of assignment it is.

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills? Yes.

8: Is your GPA high or low? It was high.

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener? I was definitely a listener. I haaaaated classes that made class discussion apart of your grade.

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs)? I was in clubs in high school and the psych club in college, even serving as a board member.

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight? I definitely need to put on some weight.

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1) No. I remember being scared about getting it and that whole thing wasn’t even on the level of covid.

3: Do you like to go to the doctors? Nooo. I’ve had more than my share of doctor appointments of all different kinds all throughout my life. They still make me anxious and stressed out, they’re definitely not something I find enjoyable.

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work? I remember getting sick once in kindergarten and having to rush outside to the trash can.

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yes, I’ve experienced that several times.

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate actually doing it, but afterwards I usually do feel better. There are times where it gets to the point where I wish I would just do it already and get it over with cause I know it’d help me feel better. That’s when I’m really not feeling well.

7: Have you ever coughed up blood? No.

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yes.

9: Do you lie to your doctor? I downplay some things or not share certain things, admittedly. :X

10: Have you ever taken too much advils? No. That would make me sick.

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness? Yes.

2: Do you take anti-depressants? No.

3: Are you mentally stable? Uhhh.

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? Yes.

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe.

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? I don’t see an issue with researching yourself and thinking you may have something, but it’s important to take that information to a doctor. However, sadly I know that not everyone is able to do that. And I also have a problem with doing that myself, which I think can cause unnecessary stress. I also think people tend to throw around labels and say they have something when they don’t. Gah, it’s a slippery slope.

7: Should we give more money to mental health research? Yes, absolutely.

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders? I think many can learn to better manage some of them, but I feel like they’re always going to be there.

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders)? I don’t know and I’m probably horrible for saying that. I have my mental disorders and I know it can be a lot for people to be around and handle. I just... I don’t know if I’d be able to be there for them in a way they might need ya know? I lack the experience. I can’t say no for certain. I think it would just really depend on the situation and if I learned more about it.

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yes.

SEX

1: Virgin? Yes.

2: what age did you lose it? 3: Did you take sex ed? 6th grade, middle school, and a health and psych class my freshman year in high school.

4: Does size matter?

5: Whats your favorite poistions?

6: Does virginity exist? I believe so. I know some feel it’s not a real thing or a social construct, but to me it’s a thing. It’s someone who hasn’t had sex. When you have sex, you’re said to have lost your virginity and to me that just means in the very literal sense that you’re not a virgin anymore. I’m not referring to it as something deeper. Although, it can be for some people. And while I don’t think it’s like losing some part of yourself or something life altering, I personally feel like I would feel a change in some way. I also want to add that it’s something I want “lose” or share with someone special. I don’t know, man. I’m sure I’m not explaining it well. It’s just a personal thing.

7: Do you think sex is overated? I wouldn’t know.

8: Is making love and fucking different? One just sounds more romantic and slow and passionate and the other sounds rough lol 9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? Yeah.

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? If it’s not consensual or your choice then you can choose not to count it is how I see it. Like yes, technically they’ve had sex, but something so horrific and traumatic doesn’t count. Losing their virginity should be done their way, with someone they want to share that with. In the situation they were raped, they’re allowed to take their power and control back and count it when they do so with someone they want to do, consensually.

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [x] Brown [] Black [] Blonde [x]Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color <<< It’s a mix of my natural color and red because I haven’t dyed it since February.

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey [x]Brown []Light brown []dark brown []green []amber [] I have two different colors of eyes

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [] Average [x]Skinny []Fat

5: I love my : [x]Hair []Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these. <<< Italicized because I only like my hair when it’s been dyed and my roots aren’t showing haha... unlike now.

6: I hate my: [x]Hair []eyes [xx]smile [x]teeth [x]skin [x] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large [x]Ugly []Pretty

8: I have a hard time: []Finding something to wear [x]Making Friends [x] making food [x]staying focused

9: I am: []Employed [x]Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed []Looking for a job

10: I love: []the moon []the sun [x]the stars []our galaxy []planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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pivitor · 4 years

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Emotional Roller-Coaster This Week

So, the last eight days have been an absolute whirlwind. Some really great things happened. Some really bad things happened. I’m kinda still reeling. I had some big firsts, and spent some time with great friends, had some real catharsis. I also fell further into depression than I have in a long, long time, and, oh yeah, got diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I need to get this all off my chest, cause I’m drowning. Join me?

Before we start, there’s two things you need to know about me. Both are things I’ve mentioned in bits and pieces on here, but here’s the full story:

1. Three months ago I had shoulder surgery to repair a torn labrum (I technically tore it when I dislocated my arm in high school, and it’s been popping out on me once every other year or so ever since, but my most recent [and now final] dislocation was very bad and sent me right to the doctor). I spent about two weeks out of work, just sitting at home on the couch in a sling. The pain wasn’t great, but it was worse mentally: I put on a couple pounds and immediately started to feel terrible about myself, and being stuck at home when I wanted to be out there, doing stuff with friends or with guys or to reach a point where I can move out, felt terrible. I wasn’t in a great headspace for a long time. As of now I have about 95% of my arm function back, and am fully healed, just trying to get back the last of my range of motion and gradually increase back to my old strength threshold.

2. This one is a bit more complicated. I’ve talked a lot here about how I grew up in a cult, but I never went into further detail. Well, here we go: I was a J*hovah’s W*tness. (I’m censoring this because I don’t want this showing up in searches) It wasn’t something I would have ever chose for myself, but when you’re born into it, you’re pretty heavily indoctrinated -- I thought it was the gospel truth despite having many reasons not to. They’re a very homophobic organization, so growing up in it wrecked my self esteem. My entire childhood and time as a teenager I thought I was worthless and doomed, destined for eternal destruction. I was often suicidal. When I was about 18 or 19 the cult printed an article “clarifying” their view on homosexuality, and said they recognized that some people are just naturally attracted to the same gender and as long as they don’t act on it they’re still “acceptable” to God. It’s dangerous bullshit that makes me so angry now, but as a brainwashed, suicidal teenager, it felt like the only chance I had to live a worthwhile life, so I got baptized into the religion, which is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life, because once you’re a baptized member of the cult, if you leave you’ll be shunned by everyone you’ve ever known. Your own parents will treat you as if you’re dead. I was very zealous for a year or two before realizing that I just couldn’t do it anymore, but it’s taken me nearly ten years to fully wake up from the indoctrination, read information from outside religions, scientists, and former members who have left. Currently I still live with my family and have to pretend to still believe (because the moment I don’t they’ll kick me out on the street), and am on the cusp of two promotions at work. As soon as those go through, I should be able to save money to move out, which I wanna do before the summer, and then I’ll be completely free.

Okay, the rollercoaster week itself:

Pre-Monday: For about a week, a week and a half before this all started, I’d been experiencing some pain in my side that was making it hard to sit up for long periods of time. This normally would’ve been a major red flag, but thanks to the shoulder surgery, I’d been having random back pains off and on recently anyway. I assumed it was related to me overcompensating for the shoulder and left it alone. Big mistake.

Monday: So one of my promotions at work involves a coaching center we’re launching. We were supposed to do our first presentation last Monday, and when my boss showed up for it, everything fell apart. It wasn’t totally my fault -- the general condition of the office itself wasn’t up to par, and the boss recognized that there wasn’t much I could do about that -- but a lot was, and I spent all week trying to fix things and get them running, and running into one major roadblock and frustration after another. We’re finally doing the presentation today, but it technically still isn’t 100% fixed. Work has been a major, major source of stress all week. I don’t think I’ll mention it again because there’s not much more to it than what I’ve listed here, but remember that it’s hanging over my head all week.

Monday night I was invited to a birthday party for a friend from my gym. Since the cult doesn’t celebrate holidays, I’d never actually been a birthday party before, complete with cake and singing happy birthday and everything. It was really nice -- even though it was truly just a bunch of guys hanging around a bar watching the Eagles, it still felt like something really special. I also spent about a half an hour in my car before I walked into the bar trying not to hyperventilate. I don’t feel guilty at all as I may have once, but I was still really worried about being seen by someone and my family finding out.

Wednesday: Tuesday was my only truly normal day of the week, and even then, we had my cousin staying with us up until Wednesday, so even then it wasn’t truly normal. We normally have church on Thursday nights (I have to attend so as not to blow my cover, but I tend to stand in the lobby and play on my phone the entire time; it’s a nice chance to catch up on my reading usually), but I had a concert on Thursday I was not going to miss, so I told my parents I was going to a different congregation on Wednesday night, but instead I went to Starbucks and caught up on Crisis on Infinite Earths. It’s...depressing that this is what I’m reduced to, but I was happy that it finally occurred to me to just...lie about it.

When I got home and took off my shirt to change into my pajamas, I noticed a patchy, red rash on my stomach, side, and back, right around the same area I’d been having pain for the last week or two. I’d absolutely never had anything like this happen before, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I crossed my fingers that it was an allergic reaction, put some cortisone cream on it, and decided to wait a couple days to see if anything changed.

Thursday: On Thursday I drove up to Philly after work, and ate a few slices at my favorite pizza place, reading comics, until it was time for the concert. It was a free show from Pkew Pkew Pkew, a band I truly, truly love, and it was one of my favorite shows of the year. Just pure joy. They played for about an hour, but were the opening act, and I don’t care for the headliner (Beach Slang), so I had originally had a few ideas about what I could do afterwards, considering that their set was over by 10 or so. I could go home (coward’s option), I could go to the Barcade. What I really wanted to do was go to a gay bar or club. I’d gone right before my surgery and had a great time, but I’d been avoiding going back (or joining a dating app or anything else) until my arm fully healed because it would very much have gotten in the way of doing anything physical. I was finally in the place where I could use my arm, but now I had that strange mysterious rash, and didn’t think it was right to do anything like that until I’d figured it out/gotten it cleared up. I don’t wanna pass anything on to anybody.

By sheer coincidence, Philly’s Emo Night ended up being this very same night (this one is held once a month), so I ended up heading over there and dancing until 2AM. I got very drunk and had a fantastic time. But there were a lot of couples. There was this girl that kept hitting on me, and then getting pissy when I didn’t reciprocate. There was this extremely hot dude in a Misfits hoodie, and early in the night we were the only two who were dancing, and he gave me a high five that he pulled into a bro hug after the song, which got me all riled up, but I couldn’t work it into anything else haha. And then this group of about four guys or so showed up, dancing all night, very affectionate, cupping each other’s faces when they talked to each other and all that. I’d seen them before and both times thought they might be gay, so I stuck close and was kinda part of their group for the night, which was really really fun. At the end of the night, one of them mentioned their girlfriend, and I reeled way more than I had any right to. I had a fantastic night. I went home feeling very alone.

Friday: Friday was my gym’s Christmas Party, which, much like Monday, was my first ever Christmas Party. I had a really fun time chatting with everyone, eating, watching one friend get drunk, try to jump up on the rings, and get dragged home by his wife. We had rowing contests and the losers had to take shots. But there was one guy there I’ve always had a crush on, a very straight, very married guy, and he was looking extremely hot and was acting extremely funny all night, and it was rough. I went home and dreamed about him all night. I woke up feeling even more alone and frustrated.

Saturday: I was pretty depressed and listless by this point. Feeling really sorry for myself despite all the fun I’d had all week. I had plans to drive up to Asbury Park for an Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties show and I just...really didn’t feel like going. But I drug myself out of bed and made myself go, because you don’t miss the gig. Before the show I wandered around Asbury, basically torturing myself. I wanted to visit a restaurant but had eaten lunch too late and wasn’t hungry. I found a gay club but still had that rash, so I didn’t wanna go in. I ended up standing on the beach, in the dark, finally having a genuine smile as I dodged the waves, but also just thinking about how sometimes Kangaroos just walk into the ocean and...never come back. I was not in a good headspace. I made myself get off the beach.

The show though...damn, that show. Dan played the second Aaron West album, Routine Maintenance, from front to back, and it’s an album about Aaron making the people in his life proud of him, about his friends giving him direction, about finding redemption through being there for his family in their darkest hour. That kind of shit is my kryptonite to begin with, but all I could think about was how all I had ever wanted in my life was to make my family proud, and how I’d never be able to do it, how someday soon they’re just...never gonna talk to me again. I cried twice during the set. And afterwards I got to hug Dan and tell him how much the album fucks me up. It was really cathartic. I felt the cloud start to lift.

Sunday: So Sunday I finally go to the doctor about this fucking rash, which hadn’t gotten any worse but had not gotten any better either. The diagnosis?

I have fucking shingles.

For those who don’t know, shingles is the chicken pox virus. After you’ve had chicken pox it never really leaves your body -- it stores itself away in your nerves. As an adult, it can reemerge as shingles, which begins as an intense pain, then advances into painful rashes on one side of your torso. Without intervention, they can continue to spread and become almost immobilizing. I’m currently on a pill I have to take three times a day for seven days, which will stop the progression of the shingles, and then it will heal up on its own, but it could take a few weeks.

Thankfully, I’m not contagious -- I can only spread the disease if someone has prolonged, direct contact with the rashes. I can be around people, but like I feared, it does rule out sex for a while. The worst part is that shingles as a disease can’t really be healed. The symptoms will go away, but I’ll be susceptible to outbreaks the rest of my life. Fortunately, the doctor made it sound pretty manageable -- the pain in my side, in that exact same spot, will always be my first symptom, so as soon as I feel that I need to get to a doctor and get back on the seven day medication to end the flare-up. It doesn’t sound like shingles flare-ups are super common either -- reading up on it, it looks like most people have, at the most, three outbreaks in their life. But, it’s still a chronic illness, and it’s one that’s very rare to emerge at this young of an age -- this is something you normally get in your fifties or sixties, not your early thirties!

Honestly, I could only laugh. Just my luck, right? I’m so frustrated. My arm’s finally reached the point where I can get back to trying to pursue guys, but nope! the shingles has to postpone it a few more weeks :/

But despite it all, the depression of the rest of the week had mostly lifted. I had processed it. I was feeling better. For a while.

Back in the spring I had joined a subreddit for former members of the cult, which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, as it let me share my story with people who had been there and understood, and really helped clear out the last remnants of the programming from my brain. Every once in a while different gay Ex cult member will contact me on there, and I’ve struck up a few nice casual friendships. Last week a guy reached out to me on there looking for friends in the same situation as him, and I replied, and on Friday he finally replied back, and we texted each off and on Saturday and Sunday morning. Sunday night, though, we got into a deeper conversation. He’s in his early twenties, and some of the stuff he was asking for advice about made it sound like he was just starting to wake up from the programming and just starting to think about leaving and being gay and everything. Eventually, as we talk more, I find out that that’s not fully the case. He’s jealous of some of the stuff I’ve done that he hasn’t -- going to Pride, going to gay bars -- but unlike me, he’s had a fair amount of sex. Like any closeted Witness, he had to drive into unfamiliar cities to do so, and it’s a strategy I’ve thought of trying but never pulled off.

I dunno, I’m so depressed. I feel like such a failure. I know having sex doesn’t make you a better person, and not having sex doesn’t intrinsically make you a failure. But I feel like this because I want it so badly, because I always have, and I could have been doing it for years, and I’ve been really forced to confront the fact that it’s my own fear that’s been getting in my way all this time. If I’d really tried I could’ve done it by now. If I really tried I probably could’ve moved out and started my new life by now -- I’d probably be dirt broke in an apartment with like eight roommates, but I could’ve done it. I don’t feel like anybody else, including this guy I was chatting with, have been judging me for this, but I’m pretty disgusted with myself, irrational as it may be. I know it’s not true, but I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. And I’m so fucking sick of it.

So. This is everything I’ve been processing this week. I don’t really know what to do with it. I’ve gotta be patient a little while longer. Keep working on my real estate licensing test so I can make some more money. Wait for the shingles to heal up. Get on Grindr and just, fucking, fuck some dude the moment I’m cleared up.

But fuck, I’m so fucking sick of waiting.

#pivitor

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

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Survey #227

“it’s my party, and i’ll die when i want to.”

Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering? On the rack that's on the bathroom door. What kind of mouse pad do you have? It's just a simple black one. Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush? A comb. If you had a choice to be a unicorn or mermaid which would it be? Probably a unicorn? Idk. I think unicorns are cooler, but I guess being a mermaid (as depicted in the media, however) would be fun. Can you do a hand stand? No. If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair? Fuck man emo hair is the way to go don't even try to change my mind. What movie are you embarrassed to admit you’ve watched? None, really. Would you rather spin upside down going 30 miles or drop 400 ft. into water? Well, dropping 400 ft. into water would literally result in your body exploding upon impact with the water; at that height (I'm pretty sure that's high enough, anyway), the water's surface would be like concrete at the velocity you land. Soooo, the former. I'd like to live. What's your favorite shape? "I don’t really have one. I guess the shape of women’s bodies? Like, all kinds of them? Whooooopsie gaysie!" <<<< HAHAHA YOOOOOOOOO THIS. If you were put in a room with nothing except for a pencil and paper, what would you write? Doodle meerkats or write poetry. Do you use deodorant? Does anyone who can afford it and in America not? I'm ignorant to if that's a societal standard in other places in the world. Do you think you’ve grown as a person since this time last year? I honestly don't know. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be? Can I PLEASE weigh around 120 again??? Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like? Well, I didn't not like him. I kinda had a crush on him in high school for a brief period, but we lost communication throughout school. When he asked me out a few years ago, I only agreed to it as a test, I guess. He was a good person, and again, I had liked him. It was a "get to know one another (again)" thing. It was still very, very unlike me, though; I usually date people only when I know I'm into them. Looking back, it really was mostly an "I don't want to hurt his feelings" thing. What are some of your morals? "I wouldn’t say I have any unique morals or things like that. I just…don’t do harm and treat people like I’d want them to treat me." <<<< Pretty much this. I don't see my morals as unordinary. Just hopefully the usual good person. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I wouldn't even fucking hesitate. Do you like your smile, or are you unhappy with it? I hate it. I look high when I smile. My eyes squint too much. If you were starving on a freezing mountain, would you eat your friend? No. Some things aren't worth living after. Out of all your friends, who can you count on the most? Sara. Do people who say they’re depressed bother you? I actually don't think any other survey question I have EVER come across boils my blood like this one. Fuck no they don't. Depression isn't a goddamn choice. Rot the fuck in Hell if depressed people "bother" you. Their mental illness is far, far, far fucking more an inconvenience to the victim than to you. What do you think of hunting? By this point in my animal/wildlife conservation and welfare eruption, I'm perfectly open in calling you a goddamn asshole if you hunt for any reason other than survival. There is something seriously wrong in your head if you get fucking pleasure out of ending a life without reasonable cause. Damn man, this surveys getting me fired up, lmao. White lies aren’t dangerous; true or false? They can be. Do you pretend your crush is with you when you’re home alone? I mean, I can daydream? But I don't actually like, pretend they're present. How many times do you go behind your parents’ back weekly? Never. Do you tend to go for people older or younger than you? Older or the same age. I don't mind if they're slightly younger though, so long as they're of legal age of course. If you became a doctor, would you help your patients kill themselves? I am 110% in favor of assisted suicide when a patient is diagnosed with a terminal malady. Forcing a human being to suffer 'til their inexorable death via the hands of their illness is, to me, torture. I genuinely do think I'm a very compassionate and gentle person, so while it would be ABSOLUTELY heartbreaking and probably scarring, I actually feel I'd be a good option for a doctor euthanizing a qualified patient. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off? I haven't been to very many at all, actually. The one I remember that I've attended a few times, I handled just fine. They're fun to me. If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie? I didn't watch it, so I really can't make a fair judgment, but from what I've seen and heard (so take this with a grain of salt), the acting is horrid and the romance is very poorly composed. Would you rather be called babe or darling? The latter. Does the movie Titanic make you cry? Oh Lord, yes. We (surprisingly) watched it during one of my psych hospital stays, and even some of the guys were teary-eyed. What is your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play PokemonGO when I'm in enough of an urban area to be able to lmao. Which Disney princess resembles you the most? *shrugs* Which fairytale seems closest to your life story? Rapunzel being trapped in her home, lmao. What color was your first phone? Hm... I believe it was blue? Was your first phone a flip phone? I don't believe so; it slid upwards. What is your favorite pizza parlor? I'm a basic bitch that finds Domino's to be the bomb diggity. What is an old website that closed down that you miss? Hm... I'm not sure. Well, the site itself didn't close down, the Animal Planet's Meerkat Manor forum and games are dearly missed by me. Have you ever had an embarrassing period story? If so, what happened? Not that I recall, thankfully. What was your worst experience in high school? My depression. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I don't remember, but I know it wouldn't have been all that expensive. Did you cry at your high school graduation? I only teared up very slightly. Did you cry at your college graduation (if applicable)? N/A, but I'm sure I will out of so much pride and joy. Do your parents try to stop you from chasing your dreams? Hell no. My parents are so, so supportive Who is a former friend that you wish would come back into your life? I miss Megan so, so much. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Two. What instrument did you play in the marching band? I wasn't in the marching band, but rather the normal one. I played the flute. Who got kicked off of your favorite talent show that you were mad about? Okay, so I remember one year, there was this very quiet, shy, and darkly-styled young man with a love for metal on America's Got Talent. Everyone was expecting a screamo mess, and then he belts out FUCKING BEAUTIFUL opera. Everyone lost it, myself included, and the sweetheart started crying. Sadly, he was eliminated the next round because his nerves got to him, poor thing. Do you own the entire series on DVD of any TV show? If so, what? Meerkat Manor. What show did you always want to be on when you were a kid? None, really. Can you tell the difference between Mary-Kate and Ashley? I think I could as a kid? I haven't seen them in forever and half. Who is your favorite set of twins? *shrugs* What is the grossest thing you have ever vomited up? Idk? Have you ever thrown up in public, in front of someone else? If yes, was it embarrassing? Yes, but I was in kindergarten, so it wasn't too embarrassing. I was just surprised. Did you ever take your dog to school? Whoa... this brought back memories. I believe I did bring Teddy to school one day in elementary school... 5th grade, maybe? I can't recall what the occasion was, though. Name one person you know who had a baby in high school. I don't remember her name. Describe your dream wedding in three words. Autumnal, personal, memorable. What do you hate the most about summer? The fucking heat. What is your favorite thing to do in a swimming pool? Just swim around. Which part of your body is the most muscular? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA BOY I couldn't even GUESS. My legs are recovering from muscle atrophy, so OBVIOUSLY not them. My arms aren't impressive. Neither is my stomach at all. I honestly don't know. What was the last race you ran called? Brittany??????????????? running a?????????????????? r a c e??????????????????????????????? Which major holiday is closest to your birthday? Valentine's Day. Do you find kite flying boring? I haven't done that since I was a kid, but BOY did I LOOOOOVE it back then! I'd probably still find it kinda fun. What is your favorite musical? Musicals make me cringe. Have you ever seen a Broadway show? No. What is the best summer camp you have ever been to? Well, I remember as a kid, one of the vacation Bible schools I went to was pretty fun. It was Hawaiian-themed. Have you ever ran a cash register? Never. Ever. Fucking. Again. Do you like the feeling in your stomach on a big drop on a roller coaster? I've never been on one, but I hate even just the sensation you get when the elevator goes up or down. I immediately get dizzy and nauseous. It's so bad that I even experience this in video games if you have to jump from a large height. What is your favorite roller coaster? N/A How and when were you baptized, if applicable? Hell if I remember. Have you been baptized more than once? No. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Carve it. Have you decorated for fall yet this year? No. Do you own pumpkin earrings? No, but now I want some. That sounds so cute. Have you ever asked someone to be your Valentine? I mean, not really? I've had s/os on Valentine's Days, so being each other's is kinda just... a given. What was your favorite video game to play with your brother? My older half-bro, when he lived with us anyway, used to play this mercenary game (I don't remember the name) that I LOVED watching him play. Idk why. Really when he played anything I would sit right beside him and watch. What computer game did you used to play all the time? Amazon Trail 3 was my cocaine, hunny. Do you like the name Ellery? I guess it's kinda cute... but it reminds me of celery. Do you find cemeteries pretty? "Pretty" isn't the word I'd use, but I find them aesthetically pleasing. They're more like... mysterious, enchanting. Does your phone screen freeze a lot? Often enough... Who is the better cook in your household? My mom. What by your definition is the naughtiest thing you have done? I guess the time I was entirely naked and him just in boxers going the fuck at each other on the chaise in the living room when we were home alone one night. Or maybe when we "slept" in my sister's room one night (can't remember exactly why) and we just fooled around the entire night instead. He came on her bed multiple times, hence why I guess it fits "naughtiest." (Yes, yes, he cleaned it up, calm down.) I honestly haven't done anything too wild. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? The Joel situation I've told before. Which room of your house are you in? Mine. How many blankets do you sleep under? One thick one. I miss my school lunch menu.. what’s the fave thing on yours? Okay real talk, my high school chicken sandwiches were The Good Shit. Do you like your best friend's parents? Could you even tell me their names? I love them, and I could, but it's not my business to share that online. Anything silly that annoys you? (I hate hearing nails being clipped) I really hate people going in/out the opposite door. Why are you where you are right now? I absolutely have to take a mental health day from school, so I'm home in my room. Did you used to watch Blues Clues? Of course. What's your opinion on people wearing high heels to school? I feel very sorry for your feet, aha. But I don't care if you do, go for it. What difficulty do you play on Guitar Hero? I used to play like, everything on expert, but now if I do, I can barely manage expert on most and have to do hard. Do you stutter when you get nervous? BADLY. You’re at the grocery store, what 3 fruits do you get? Strawberries, apples, grapes. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Sleep deprivation lmao. Love these night terrors + nightmares. What do you think about dating websites? Whatever. I definitely think there are better, safer ways, but it's not a huge deal. Just go into it with a genuine heart and mind of wanting to find love. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner to enjoy life with. Do you wear contacts or glasses? I wear glasses. I wish I could do contacts, but noooo sir. I had them very briefly again earlier this year, but I just couldn't; all I could do was feel them there, mainly the weighted one in my left eye because my vision is so bad in it. They just bugged me too much. What is one memory you have from elementary school? Making our own butter in 4th grade came to me first. We walked through school singing this annoying song while we shook our jars. Do you own a pair of converses? A few. How many fridges are in your house? One. Are you easy to get along with? I hope so, but idk. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? She's over 800 miles away lmao. What kind of people are you attracted to? Platonically or romantically? Well, with either, I'm drawn to compassion, a tranquil mind, empathy, gentleness, romance if we're talking romantic attraction, a deep thinker, wisdom, creativity, uniqueness/individuality, just, funny, thoughtful, charitable, concerned with nature/love and kindness to animals, intelligence... There's a lot. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I don't see why I wouldn't be. Do you like it when people play with your hair? My hair's too short now for that. It'd feel weird. I used to like it, though. Do you think there is life on other planets? Probably. Do you like bubble baths? I don't enjoy baths period. Who are you most comfortable around? My mom, or Sara. Depends on the subject matter. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I wouldn't. I'm strictly monogamous and to me would feel like cheating. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yeah. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing, but I panic inside. What are you paranoid about? My loved ones secretly hating me or leaving me, being raped, people thinking I'm weird (and not in a good way), stuff like that. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I don't think so. Been suspended/expelled? For what? No. Been arrested? For what? No. Craving something? What? Nothing. What color are your towels? They're varied. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Favorite animal? MEERKATS. Opossums are #2. Favorite character from Mean Girls? I don't remember the characters at all. Favorite actress? Betty White. Favorite actor? BITCH Markiplier, lmao. But okay if you mean a "real" actor, probably Johnny Depp. Last time you were in an elevator? Thursday when I had to go upstairs to my Writing class. It's absolutely humiliating, but I can't make it up two flights of stairs due to my muscle atrophy without people asking if I'm okay. Even going down is dangerous for me because my legs ABSOLUTELY QUAKE and I have to go extremely slow. I go down via stairs anyway though for practice. I'm going to fall one day, I know it. I’m sure we all know what your name is… so, tell us what your boss’ name is? N/A Do you actually read your friend’s surveys, or do you just copy paste them and fill them out yourself? Yes; I love learning about my friends. When you were a kid, which comic strip was your favorite? I didn't care for them. Would you feel guilty about cheating on your taxes if you got away with it? Well yeah. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? It is pierced. What woke you up this morning? A nightmare that resulted in me screaming almost the loudest I ever have in my life. My throat hurt for quite a while. What was your favorite sweet as a child? Reese's cups. Still are. Do you own a lunch box? Yeah. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once, oops. If there was a fire, what would you take with you? The very first thing I'd grab would be Teddy, then Roman, Venus, and then my laptop, probably. How many people have the same middle name as you? The majority of the white female population lmao. Does your house have a white picket fence? The backyard does. Have you ever needed to call the police? 911 when we thought my mom was having a heart attack. What are you best at? Writing, I guess.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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schizo-spoon-blog · 5 years

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Spoonbender Society: Selected Schizoepistles

FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:

We Live In A Society

People say we live in a democracy/democratic republic, a form of government intended to amplify what people think and address problems they find to be important. But it doesn’t ever seem to function that way.

The issue is in voter suppression, but as always not in the way people generally think voter suppression works. The issue is psychic, spiritual, and social suppression of citizens. Systemic over-development of senses of rationalization, neuroticism and anxiety, industrially incentivized narcissism.

People develop a deathly fear of what others think, or may think, or what they may have thought about them or what they think, what they may think, or what they may have thought.

A democracy where we’d rather not hear what other people have to say, because we find their thoughts offensive and retarded. That’s one thing people are happy to share. But because we suspect that there are so many offensive retards in the world, we fear... "Perhaps I’m a retard too?" You wonder that even for just a second in your life, if you have a soul. It’s OK to be a retard really, but you’ll never believe that it’s OK, and that's probably What Your Fucking Problem Is.

The opinions of us purported non-retards, to avoid sounding like complete retards, end up soft, ambivalent and stale, phrased like True Neutral Orgasm in Ego-Death Nirvana, but less Chad, less gratifying, and nobody cums. To not be reminded of the possibility of our own retardation, we like to pretend that if the retards just shut up and nobody can hear them, they go away. If they are Physically Removed from our presence, their evil thoughts and their malicious intentions will go away with them. We win. But they don’t. They never do.

We always fail to Psychically Remove them. We lose.

We can hypothesize a law of conservation of hatred, correlate one too of love, but the truth is banal. How can it be in light of our timeline? Why are these Hate Groups all over the place? Hitler’s corpse is rotting or burned to a crisp, or embalmed in a tomb or made a toilet for Some Rich Dude ((parenthetical removed)). (Or was he cloned?)

Great Fatherland Germany - defeated by the "untermensch" and partitioned like a cheese between rats. That Great "Faustian" and "Supreme" "Aryan" Race is subjugated by the hated "Juden" and all the "vermin" of the world, humiliated, castrated to be reunited a shadow of its former self. Yet the Nazi threat is omnipresent nearly a century later, in an era which may be an alien planet to those who lived in Hitler’s time.

How is it that the Great Allies, our fathers and grandfathers, achieved such total victory over so loathsome a foe, so unsympathetic and vile, only to see his Evil infect their own countrymen and posterity? How can something so thoroughly defeated still persist in what could be our neighbors or our co-workers our bosses or our employees? Each one could be a secret Nazi now. In parenting blogs moms worry that their children are becoming Nazis from goofy men they see in videos on line. Marriages are ending in divorce because the husband or wife is allegedly or apparently a Nazi. How could this happen?

Have you ever seen “The Matrix? Who hasn’t? You know all about the red and blue pills, and all the rainbow-flag DLC that it comes with, black and pink and green and brown and in configurations invisible to the human eye, I’m sure. If you don't know, the pills are portals to different realities. Take the black pill and you only see death, take the white pill and everything’s alright, take the blue pill you vote for Hillary, take the pink you become genderqueer. But this is not about taking any pills. This is about going off your meds. Going straight edge - except for whiskey, cigarettes, cocaine and pussy. It’s about the spoon - no, not for shooting up. It's for bending - with your mind. Remember? That spoon - The Spoon That Isn’t There.

That spoon is a Nazi.

If you are aware that there is no spoon you can tie it into knots. You can make it into a balloon animal. That Nazi Spoon could be a Jewish Socialist from Vermont, or a kosher Brooklyn Zionist, or a Dominican Taxi Driver. It could be an evil copy of your own son from Bizzaro World. It's probably your uncle. It could be Rottweilers, and Chihuahuas. Whether Pitbulls are Nazis or Jews/Blacks is an ongoing debate in the contemporary discourse.

But imaginary shit can be whatever the hell you want. You don’t have to be "The One" to Bend the Spoon. You don’t have to be anyone at all. What was the name of the kid who said the line about the spoon again? Nobody knows, nobody cares, and that's the beauty of Spoonbending.

"The Nazi" is the guy who keeps talking when he should shut up. He might be autistic, but he could just be an asshole. There is a strong possibility he could be both. Why does he keep saying all of this ridiculous stuff? He’s more offensive and more retarded than the usual, but it feels like He Has To Be This Way. Like it’s his curse, He Knows Too Much. He fell down some rabbit hole and ended up gorged on Fascist Propaganda. He mentions some girl named Celine. He rambles on about some guy you’re pretty sure is a Tekken character... the guy who turns into the Devil maybe. He mentions a vacation in Turkey with his family but insists on saying Constantinople and there’s a wild-man tear in his eye. He insists he knows about Atlantis and calls you gay for saying you liked Aquaman. Instead of saying goodbye he says “Subscribe to Pewdiepie.” The Nazi belongs in an institution. You wonder if he has guns and if maybe he should have them taken for a while. He probably doesn’t, but you can’t be sure. He’s 12.

When is it too early to become a school shooter? Is 12 too early to be an incel?

12 is probably the age at which incels hatch from their human hosts.

“Who is Pewdiepie, and how has he groomed my nephew into the Hitler Youth?” many families today are asking. They think they’re looking at a spoon. Conditoning fills your heart with a desperate desire to see the spoon. A fact, pure fact, logical, reasonable, peer reviewed, widely accepted, So True, a Textbook Fact. The spoon. Everyone else sees it too. That goddamn Nazi Spoon.

You ever try to ask this at a party as an ice-breaker and see how the guests react?

“So, anyway, was The Holocaust Real?”

“Excuse me, what?”

“What do you think, was it real, how many people do you think died, don’t the gas chambers sound goofy to you?”

”Um… no… they don’t sound goofy. What are you talking about?”

“You ever hear about the Nazi Roller-coaster they had at one of the camps? They’d put Jews into a roller-coaster except they’d fly off the edge and get splattered. That’s how the Nazis killed ‘em. I swear. I read it in a book by a Holocaust Survivor. Impossible to believe if it weren’t so True. No shit. You hear about that?”

”I’m… gonna get another beer.”

Of course there’s a Correct answer to that initial question. It’s also the Right answer. Who would ever get this wrong? It's the 2+2=X of History. Well…

Pop-Quiz, Random Nazi Check, Anybody here Hate Jews? You a Groyper, Son? What’s so funny? You think the Cookie Monster committing genocide is a laughing matter boy? We don’t take kindly to your kind around here.

Maybe you should give the Nazi-check thing a try, it’ll separate sheep and goat real easy for you.

If you do this everyone will think you are The Nazi.

The Nazis hated Jews, but did they hate real Jews as Jews exist, or did they hate the Fascist Propaganda Jew who was a work of fiction? On that note, were you in love with your last failed relationship, or just pretending you were? Have you ever had one impression of a person, but then learned they were another kind of person entirely? That first impression you had, the one that wasn’t True, was that a Real Person, or Imaginary? But you still spent all that money and sweat on an imaginary girl, huh?

Hope her hole was real.

I think that fake bitch of an ex you dated was a nazi. Your ex was a fascist. Oh, was she Jewish? It doesn’t matter, changes nothing. I’ve never met her - wouldn't matter if I did. When I imagine her, she's in Hugo Boss black and got skull-and-bones on her officer's cap, and she's saying racial slurs as she ruins your life, cheats on you, drains your bank account and kills your dog after getting custody over it in court. I imagine all bad people this way. All women who rejected me were exactly like this.

But I must breach working-class anti-fascist solidarity, and admit, on That Question ("Would you?").... Yeah, I would. Sorry bro. Take me away Comrades, I admit it, I'd give it to that Nazi Jew raw. Would I do that to her as she exists, or the Fascist Propaganda her who is a work of fiction?

That depends. You still got her number?

haha it's ok you can call me an incel, it's a step up from what i actually am

(User was banned for this post.)

The Nazi and the Fascist aren’t my hallucinations. That’s not my mental illness. But it’s adjacent to me, it’s thrown at me without my Consent, and it's a Trigger. I'm paranoid about commies myself.

In the multicultural cyberpunk year of 2019, with its trans-human gender-sex-orientations, anti-racist ethno-narcissism, fanatic anti-normalism, cultish critical theory intersections, grand byzantine minimalism, placidity, in such splendid predatory banality… In the absolute state of the world! – Aah! An undead ideology conceived by a salty Frenchman in the badlands of South Dakota in the 1890s shambles forth the devour all that is Good and Holy in the Great United States of AmeriKKKa, God Help Us All! And A Child Will Lead Those Dreadful Legions of Corruption Upon All The Meek Of Our Fallen World!

Or it’s just a spoon that isn’t real.

Nobody wants to be straight-forward, and I gotta navigate the labyrinths of euphemism. Maybe there's something weird going on - how people talk, how people act, how people think, none of those correlate to each other. It makes you feel schizo when you do all your mental rain-man calculus and realize there's a fucking Elephant in the living room and he's not wearing any goddamn pants. Once that little ray-of-sunshine blesses your tiny bug-man brain to enlighten you that the elephant is real, and the spoon isn't, it's only a matter of time before you're crowned in tinfoil a Potato King on your off-grid Bug-out estate in the Idaho Panhandle, or start drinking yourself to death and bullying mailmen (or both).

If you'd like to avoid that sort of Elephant-Mania Spoon-denialism, maybe you should try answering Uncomfortable Question instead of being so Weird about it, oh wise Mr. Kirk, Mr. Shapiro, Mr. Talking-Head, Mr. Important-Guy, Mr. Movement, Mr. Politics, Mr. Voice of Reason, Mr. Metatron. Take it from a schizo-maniac with a manifesto, you’re freaking out the hoes.

Try Praeger U talking points out on a Tinder date and watch her shrivel up from instathot to instahag -- she will go through menopause before your very eyes, that's how dry her pussy will get. Trying not to sound racist while talking about the Antarctic Nazi base and the importance of craniometry in ethnocultural anthropology will get you more action than anything that sounds like a paraphrase of Charlie Kirk -- because even if you're still being cringe at least you aren't being fake. Point and laugh at that fucking elephant - the moron isn't even wearing pants! That'll get her thinking about taking your pants off. Or not - it's not foolproof. If she doesn't laugh, red-flag, she's a Nazi so Begone Thot!

Please, for the love of God, go off-script! See the damn elephant and forget the spoon, and forget the wise Mr. Kirk, Mr. Shapiro, Mr. Talking-Head, Mr. Important-Guy, Mr. Movement, Mr. Politics, Mr. Voice of Reason, Mr. Metatron. Take it from a schizo-maniac with a manifesto, you'll go insane if you don't.

[. . . ] [T]hen there's that neuroticism, that narcissism, that fear. The whole point of these politics groups and gatherings and Q&As is what, anyway? Is it really just basic marketing tactics, like a live-action advertisement you expect for people to passively consume as though it is persuasive? To shove free-markets and free-speeches down my throat and have me swallow it without having anything that’s been bothering me answered? What do I look like to you, an Ideology Whore? You don't even reciprocate a good time, huh? I'm not that kind of girl. You didn't even buy me dinner. You made me pay to bore me. I'd cuck you if we dated just to make a very important point -- fully aware it'll go over your head. Fuck you.

We gotta hear The Script. We gotta recite The Script.

Real Conservatives Think Like This. Real Progressives Think Like This. White People Walk Like This. Black People Walk Like This.

Gotta hear that joke ten thousand times so you can recite it like a mantra in your sleep.

Free markets mean free people. Facts don’t care about your feelings. Private Companies can do what they wish. What you do in your bedroom is your own business. We want legal immigration, not illegal.

Abolish ICE. Your childhood hero says Trans-Rights. Do you not want me in the movement? Abolish whiteness.

The Racism of Lowered Expectations.

Reparations.

A white nation.

Workers of the world unite!

Abortion is a human right.

Have you got it memorized?

Let’s go over it a few more times.

Say it with me! Hillary was found innocent in a hundred hearings and it is sexist to besmirch her reputation.

Repeat after me! Trump’s economy is the best in history, and if he's racist why is black unemployment is at historical lows.

You benefit from unearned privilege. You suffer from toxic masculinity.

The world is about to end and everything you know and love will die, and it is your fault, for not believing in the correct things at the correct time.

Are you laughing yet?

I’m dying. I feel like an e-girl, and my orbiters are sides.

But do you wanna know what I really think? The whole bit about psychic and social suppression? You ever hear about the Procrustean bed? Well, what if we put your political, social, moral consciousness and your psychic abilitys into a bed like that. We could talk about it. You ever play Xenogears?

Or you could just put me in a box. I really wouldn't mind. I'm Houdini. Hey, was Houdini a Nazi, like Henry Ford? Can we get a fact-check? I didn't mean to be problematic.

Break the Conditoning - Step outside the box, and use it as a step ladder. Ascend, Beyond the Box - use The Spoon.

Bush did 9/11, the Israeli’s danced, the Aliens killed JFK - sure - but I only say this because of my MK Ultra Schizo-brain. It’s true, it’s false, it’s fact, it’s myth, I don’t have to believe any of it -- I also don't have to believe any of you if I don’t want to. My feelings do not care about your facts, and did you know that some of the world's most uncomfortable facts are manifested into being by uncomfortable feelings? Is it the fact of the bullet that kills the political dissident, or the feelings of his executioner? Is it the deranged lust of the rapist that violates his victim, or the fact of his power to do so? I guess it depends on whether the perpetrator said "nothing personnel kid" before he committed the act. I don't know about that Nazi Rapist's feelings, but MY feelings are valid and I can believe or disbelieve whatever I want on the basis of my feelings, and my feelings alone. My feelings bend the spoon of your facts.

Are you going to say I don’t have the right, Adolf? Sucks for you, bud, I may be a commie by blood, but the heart that pumps it was assembled in the ole USA -- and we got the Right to be a Retard here in America. It's a Free Country.

[Note: please insert image of Jonathan Frakes from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction]

Now that the dust has settled: Was the Nazi Roller-Coaster Real? Or did we put the Truth in a Mass-Grave? We will let you know at the conclusion of our program.

Sincerely and Full of Suffering Your Friend Always, Orcbrand

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voidendron · 5 years

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Superhero AU

So. Yeah. :I I have some superhero/villain OCs, and they’ve made me want to do something like this for a long time, I was just refraining from it because I wasn’t sure anyone would be interested. But you know what? I’mma doing it anyway because I want to design costumes so damn badly! XD

Thank you, HCAnon, for encouraging this because yes! I’m excited! :D

I’ll be removing some of the Ipliers for this one and adding some of the non-canon Septics; just depends on who can fit into the AU! If they’re striked out, that means they won’t be making an appearance

Septics

Angus the Survival Hunter: Alias: Bloodhound | Real Name: Angus Hunter Alignment: Neutral Can track anyone and anything. Works alongside Shawn; they’ll side with whoever can offer them the most in-the-moment. Be it money, or survival. Works a hunting and tackle shop for his everyday life.

Antisepticeye: Alias: The Glitch | Real Name: Unknown Alignment: Villain Unknown where he came from or what/who he is. Can teleport, possess others for short periods of time, and control nearby technology. Aims to cause chaos, and doesn’t seem to have any goals like other villains aside from creating havoc.

Chase Brody: Alias: Bro Average Alignment: Hero Has no powers, but light on his feet and has incredible aim with a variety of weapons. Very social and typically works with at least one other. Jackieboy is his main partner, and Jameson often works with them. Movie stuntman for everyday life.

Dr. Henrik von Schneeplestein: Alias: Medic Alignment: Neutral Tries to help anyone he can alongside his partner, Edward. When tending to heroes/villains, they go strictly by their aliases. Do their best to keep patients separated. Can tell exactly what’s wrong with the patient through physical contact with them. Paraplegic after a bad accident; Bing built him robotic leg attachments so he can be up and about during his side-job. Everyday life, he works in a pharmacy and uses a wheelchair.

Jackieboy Man: Real Name: Jackie Manning Alignment: Hero Somewhat new to the whole hero thing and pretty reckless. Partners to Chase. Can fly and has a sonic screech. Also has extreme agility from doing gymnastics for many years, and good at hacking. Freelance web designer for his everyday life.

Jacques Septique: Alias: The Artist Alignment: Villain They work side-by-side with the Glitch. Better at behind-the-scenes work, but can bring paintings to life to defend themself. Artist and art critic for their everyday life.

Jameson Jackson: Alias: Stopwatch Alignment: Hero Able to stop time and phases through things rather than being able to interact with them when time is stopped. When working with other heroes, he’ll stop time to scout ahead for danger, or to figure out how to get groups out of dangerous situations most safely. Playwrite in his everyday life.

Marvin the Magnificent: Real Name: Marvin McLoughlin | Alias: Magnificent Alignment: Hero Has probably been in the hero business longer than most of them. Has actual magic; inherited. Very distrusting, as he’s been stabbed in the back by “partners” more than once in the past. Everyday lifestyle unknown.

Shawn Flynn: Alias: Toymaker Alignment: Neutral Can summon and control ink; can put it in the form of dolls when fighting with it. Works alongside Angus; they’ll side with whoever can offer them the most in-the-moment. Be it money, or survival. Owns a toy shop in his everyday life.

Ipliers

Bim Trimmer

Bingiplier: Real Name: Benjamin “Ben” Iplier | Alias: Bing Alignment: Hero Creates tech for use by himself and other heroes. Has ties with nearly every hero in the city to the point he could probably blackmail them if he wanted to. Can create things that seem beyond modern technology. Typically works behind-the-scenes, but uses high-tech guns when he’s needed on a scene. Scientist in everyday life.

Darkiplier: Real Name: Damien/Celine Fischbach | Alias: Dark Alignment: Villain Former siblings fused together by a portal created by Warfstache. He can take on either sibling’s original appearance at will. Can control the shadows around her. Seeks power, and will do anything to get it. Everyday lifestyle unknown.

Ed Edgar

Dr. Edward Iplier: Alias: Healer Alignment: Neutral Tries to help anyone he can alongside his partner, Henrik. When tending to heroes/villains, they go strictly by their aliases. Do their best to keep patients separated. Light healing abilities and can tell when someone will either fully recover or die from their injury/illness. Surgeon in his everyday life.

Eric Derrickson: Alias: Runner Alignment: Hero Has super speed, but lost his legs in a fight very early into his career. Now works with Bing in his bunker. Everyday life, he works in a library.

Googleplier: Real Name: Blu Warring / Alias: Google (Blue/Red/Yellow/Green) | Alignment: Villain Former colleague of Bing’s. Captured Jim and ran tests so he could copy Jim’s ability of creating copies of himself. Google is able to make three other copies, but has been unable to increase that number as Jim can. Occasionally works with the Glitch and Artist, as all three are only interested in chaos. Used to work as a scientist, now everyday lifestyle is unknown.

The Host: Real Name: Isaac Arthur Alignment: Neutral More interested in watching what the supers of his city are up to. Blind, but can See as things happen nearby in his mind. May occasionally help one side or the other if their goal interests him, but typically keeps to himself. Writes newspaper articles detailing interactions between the city’s supers.

The Jim Twins: Alias: Lookalike | Real Name: James “Jim” Jonas Alignment: Hero Can “divide” to create identical clones of himself to overwhelm or distract. Usually works with Jameson, or in the bunker with Eric and Bing. Everyday life, he’s a reporter. Currently missing.

King of the Squirrels

Silver Shepherd: Real Name: Shepherd Marks Alignment: Hero Can fly and has super strength. Helps other heroes whenever he can, and is typically the one to fly injured heroes to Healer and Medic. Everyday life, he works in an animal shelter.

Wilford Warfstache: Unknown if that’s real name or alias Alignment: Unknown Reality warper. It’s unknown what he is or where he came from; only that he’s extremely dangerous and doesn’t seem to understand his own power.

Yandereplier

#writersofjack #writersofmark #jacksepticeye #markiplier #the septics #the ipliers #superhero au #au #blitz indites

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lambcaey · 6 years

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Casino Cups: Life Goes On (Part 1)

This three-part fanfic is largely based on the awesome Cuphead AU known as Ask Cups and Casinos, but could apply to the Cuphead fandom in general, too (just long before the Cup bros start working at the casino). Definitely check it out!

Credit goes to Bright Goat for the AU (hope I did justice to your amazing work!) Enjoy!

Part 2

Casino Cups: Life Goes On (Part 1)

Silence without serenity; stillness with a sense of foreboding; a feeling of calm clashing with that of rapidly-growing fear. That was how it felt during the first few minutes without Elder Kettle. One minute, he was tearfully professing his love for his grandsons. The next, there lay nothing in bed but a shallow husk of china. This wasn't to say that it happened completely out of nowhere. The man was getting on in years, and his family couldn't afford the kind of medical treatment that would preserve his already very long life. Despite the Isles' long history of supernatural phenomena, none of the local mystics could conjure up anything guaranteeing immortality, aside from repeating the horrific mistake of making another deal with the Devil. Nevertheless, no matter how aware the boys were of this day coming, they still weren't ready when it eventually occurred. By the time he'd reached his final hours, Elder Kettle had stopped trying to escape his fate. Instead, he came to terms with it as a fact of life, a life that was as happy and fulfilling as it could ever be for him. Even as the last of his family stood before him, begging him not to go, Elder Kettle left this plane of existence with a smile, completely at peace. It took a great deal of will power after such an intense shock, but the boys eventually forced themselves to leave their grandfather's bedside for the proper postmortem preparations. It was almost too painful to even look at their elder's corpse anymore. They didn't want to leave him, but, at the same time, there wasn't anything left to hold on to; just an empty shell in which a warm, caring, and loving soul once resided. It was incredibly unnerving, the idea of something this traumatic and heartbreaking occurring in this cheery, colorful, whimsical world. Every other element of life, even death, had some sort of silly, cartoon-like slant, at least from Cuphead and Mugman's perspective. Seeing stars; pupils rolling in their heads; a giant lump that could be brought down with the swing of a hammer; any sort of injury or illness was presented with the classic "Rule of Funny" that usually dictated the rules of physics and natural order in Inkwell Isle. Here, there wasn't any of that. No soul to parry, no ghost to interact with; Elder Kettle was plainly, simply, and completely gone. This event was just another item of this world's never-ending list of questionable occurrences. The only real shock from it was how starkly it contrasted to the rest of Inkwell Isle. Naturally, such a rare phenomenon of this magnitude could hardly be kept a secret. The news spread fast to the other residents in the isles, and, within the next half hour, virtually all of them had arrived at the boys' doorstep. Of course, there were exceptions. As much as the Devil and King Dice relished the misery of others, this particular soul was of no real value to them, which would make the experience more boring and pointless than anything else. Weepy also had to remain outside, lest he start flooding the house with his rivers of tears (more so than usual). Everyone else was either mourning by Elder Kettle's bedside, or offering any form of assistance or comfort to his grieving grandsons. Though the boys couldn't afford an official funeral, this was the closest to one as they were ever going to get, and they greatly accepted it. Mugman was very receptive to his friends' kindness. He showed the utmost gratitude from even the smallest of favors, from a shoulder to cry on to an array of bouquets for his grandfather's grave. He also spent much of the time reflecting on all the fond memories he and everyone else shared with him, even mentioning some of the more humorous ones to bring some sort of levity to the situation. Though part of Mugman felt very much alone, being surrounded by all his friends and neighbors was all the more comforting to him during this troubling time. Cuphead, on the other hand, expressed an entirely different demeanor during the pseudo-funeral. He kept himself isolated from the rest of the crowd, sitting at the top of the stairs with his arms resting on his knees. Instead of shedding any tears, his eyes gazed off into space, as though a million thoughts were racing in his mind at once. Friends like Cagney or Hilda had asked if there was anything they could do for him, but after a few times of giving them a cold "I'm fine," Cuphead retreated to his room, barring himself from any socialization altogether. He didn't even come out to watch the local ghosts deliver his grandfather's urn to the mausoleum. It was as clear as day that Cuphead was anything but "fine." Many people, especially his brother, were very tempted to go upstairs, and insist that he come out and talk with them. However, they also bore in mind that perhaps this was Cuphead's way of grieving with such a tremendous loss. The last thing the poor boy needed was feeling as if his friends were trying to impose on him how they thought he should act in the face of his grandfather's passing. Although they had good intentions, everyone agreed it was best to leave Cuphead alone...for now. ~~~~ After an almost sleepless night, Mugman dragged himself downstairs, and fried up some eggs and bacon for himself and his brother, hoping he'd at least be willing to come out and eat. He also poured a couple of glasses of orange juice, and, by force of habit, reached out to grab some English breakfast tea with sugar, before remembering that family connoisseur was no longer there to enjoy it. Only seconds after setting the table, Cuphead tiredly made his way to the kitchen as well. "M-Morning, Cups." Mugman chirped with a forced smile. "I made us some breakfast." "Thanks," Cuphead responded rather brusquely as he sat down. Although the meal was well-made by any standards, any appetite for it was practically nonexistent. Mugman forced a few bites of his eggs while Cuphead simply twirled his fork around the bacon, staring glumly down at the table. After a moment or so of awkward silence, Mugman nervously attempted to break the ice. "I, uh, I put Hilda's flowers up as a centerpiece for the table," the young boy stammered. "That was really nice of her, huh?" No answer. Mugman tried something else. "It...looks like a really nice day outside. If you want, maybe we can go for a walk, or catch some butterflies, or see how the others are doing. How-How does that sound?" Again, no response. He may as well be talking to an empty chair. Mugman let out a small sigh. He clearly wasn't getting anywhere with his grief-stricken brother. With a heavy frown, Mugman tried appealing to Cuphead's better nature. "Listen, Cuphead. It's ok if you don't feel like talking to me, but...just know that I'm always here for you whenever you need it. I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to. I..." Mugman's voice quivered a bit. "I just don't want you to feel like you gotta be all alone." At last, Cuphead looked up at his brother, his expression switching from dullness to sudden concern. Although he was referring to Cuphead in his offer of emotional support, it was a subtle, yet clear, sign of the same desire on Mugman's part as well. He may have sounded calm and collected in his words, but they were drowned out from the stronger signs of loneliness and misery in his facial and body language. After a moment of staring longingly at his brother, Cuphead's face winced and twitched with anxiety, his clenched fists shaking on the table. "M-Mug, I...I-I uh..." Just when it seemed like he was ready to explode, Cuphead swallowed hard, forcing himself to regain his former composure. "D-Don't worry, Mug. We'll both be all right. I just...I need some time to think." At that, Cuphead excused himself from the table, heading back upstairs. Mugman's eyelids rose in bewilderment. He wasn't sure whether to feel hurt from Cuphead walking away when he needed help, or worried for his stability after just seeing him fight so hard with himself. This sense of uncertainty became the norm over the next few days. The boys remained close, refusing to leave either one home alone for any reason. Ironically, despite such closeness, it was this same concern that also made them keep their distance. Although they deeply desired each other's companionship during this time of grief, something in their heads made them reluctant to act on it. Cuphead continued to isolate himself and battle his internal conflict while Mugman stayed away out of respect for his brother's time to "think." It was a paradox of perfectly painful proportions, and they both prayed that it would soon part. Fortunately for Cuphead and Mugman, they didn't spend the week in completely shut out from the world. Once in a while, a friend or two would stop by, and ask the boys how they had been doing. Mugman was thankful and accepting of any company that was offered to him. Occasionally, there was activity involved, such as playing chess with Werner, Beppi fashioning a balloon animal bouquet, and even Djimmi performing some magic tricks. Most of the time, though, Mugman felt just as, if not more, satisfied with simply sitting around and talking, whether to listen to advice or have his friends hear him out. It may not have felt like the same sort of love and caring that Elder Kettle provided, but it definitely lifted Mugman's spirits knowing he still had so many people to look after him. Although his friends offered this same comfort to Cuphead, he remained adamant in his desire to be left in solitude, which was starting to worry Mugman and the others. It wasn't as though they felt he was grieving in the wrong way; it was that, perhaps, Cuphead's self-imposed isolation was beginning to do more harm than good. Taking the time to contemplate and collect one's thoughts is an important part of the grieving process. In Cuphead's case, however, the extent to which he'd spent so much time alone left a greater impression that he wasn't allowing himself to be with anyone. He was never fond of asking for help, as it went against his self-image of being an independent, confident go-getter in virtually any task at hand. Never did Cuphead ever realize that coping with death and loss was going to be the biggest challenge he'd ever faced, enough to make fighting the Devil look tame. ~~~~ Five days later, Mugman felt enough was enough. As Cuphead sat solemnly on the swing set, staring off into the sky, his brother approached him in a manner that was both nervous and assertive, trying as delicately as possible to address the glaring elephant in the room. "C-C-Cuphead," Mugman uttered. "A-Are you ready to finally talk now?" Cuphead sighed, his head now facing down. On any other day, Mugman would've rightfully taken this as a subtle, yet clear, "no." Nonetheless, he could no longer stand wallowing in hesitation, and remained persistant. "Cuphead, please. We can't keep going on like this." Mugman sat on the adjacent swing. "If we don't hear each other out, then w-we'll be too sad to eat, play, or do pretty much anything." Cuphead remained still, but his face made a grimace, his eyes shutting tight as they brimmed with tears. His mind was practically screaming at every muscle in his body to let him walk away again, or, at the very least, allow for any sort of movement beyond trembling and staggering breathing. Alas, the inner turmoil that had been festering inside Cuphead had now brought him into a state of psychological paralysis. All the anxiety, sadness, and loneliness he'd been trying to brush off had now ensnared him like quicksand. Noticing the rising tension, Mugman slowly reached his hand for that of his brother. "Cuphead, what's the matter? I wanna help you." The moment Mugman lay one finger on his hand, Cuphead suddenly found the strength to become mobile again. With a deep breath and a heavy gulp, he jerked up from his swing, staring down at his startled sibling. "I'm sorry, Mug," he answered firmly, "I'm sorry I've been so distant. I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care about you or anything." "Aw, Cuphead, you didn't-" Mugman stopped. His heartfelt response immediately froze from the sudden chill in his brother's voice. "But...but I think I finally know how to fix everything, and get our lives back to the way they were. I'm..." He paused, mustering the last bit of strength to speak his mind. "I'm gonna get Elder Kettle back!" Mugman gasped. "Cuphead, no! Y-you can't do that! Elder Kettle is dea-" "I KNOW!" Cuphead screamed, taking a few breaths to regain stability in his voice. "I mean, he may be now, b-but as long as we have things like ghosts and angels and soul contracts in this world, I am never gonna rule out the possibility that he could come back!" Mugman stood beside Cuphead, a familiar feeling of danger creeping inside him. "Cuphead, for once, be reasonable! Y-You almost gambled our souls for the Devil; who knows what'll happen if you-" "Reasonable?!" Cuphead shouted, taken aback. "Why don't you, for once, be willing to take a risk for something you want? We've spent way too much time with Elder Kettle to just give up on him now! Don't you even want to see him again?!" "Of course I do!" Mugman's voice started hardening as well. "But this...i-it just doesn't feel right!" "Fine, be that way! Sit here at home, and do nothing like a coward!" Cuphead paused. Mugman's expression looked like a twisted combination of hurt and enraged. As he turned his back on him, Cuphead softened his tone a bit. "Trust me, Mug. This is the only way we're gonna be happy again. And don't worry; I won't let you down. I won't stop until I've set everything right for all three of us!" The second he finished that declaration, Cuphead smoke-dashed away, making a beeline for the woods of Inkwell Isle I. Mugman tried hurriedly to catch up with him. "Cuphead, wait! Come back!" Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the forest became too dense with foliage to safely smoke-dash any farther. Before he knew it, Cuphead was already out of sight. Mugman's mind turned into an emotional roller coaster. Knowing his brother's hasty nature, he simply knew that what Cuphead had proposed was another one of his terrible ideas. Granted, much of Inkwell Isles' laws of nature didn't make sense to begin with. After all, this was a place where a queen bee could summon floating triangles, a giant mermaid could live while decapitated, and, as Cuphead had pointed out, there were even many ghosts and skeletons roaming freely in their afterlife! Nevertheless, nothing along such lines had appeared to come to fruition in Elder Kettle's case. If he wasn't meant to be seen among the living, it was most likely that, like everything else in Inkwell Isle, it was better to not question it, and simply accept it as part of reality. The last time Cuphead tried to defy that rule, the Devil very nearly took their heads. Also, despite the danger he knew would be at hand, there was a part of Mugman that wondered why he should bother saving Cuphead at all? How dare he accuse him of not caring about their beloved grandfather! He was every bit as upset over the loss as his brother was; how does wanting to move forward make him a coward? This was a new low, even for someone who carelessly gambled both their souls to the Devil. If Cuphead were to suffer, it's what he deserves for being such a jerk...right? Mugman then shook his head, rationality and common sense catching up with him. Cuphead's in trouble, he spoke in his mind. None of these arguments matter right now. I gotta make sure he stays safe, now more than ever. Not hesitating a minute longer, Mugman followed the path his brother took, his tear-soaked eyes now glaring with determination. An unnerving aura permeated the isles as a blood-red sunset turned Mugman's body into a bold silhouette. As much as he wanted to put his mental turmoil to rest, he had to put his grief aside if he wanted to keep family from getting any smaller than it already was.

(To be continued)

#cuphead #mugman #ask cups and casinos #askcupsandcasinos #elder kettle #feels #angst #grief #fan fiction #fanfic #the devil #king dice #hilda berg #cagney carnation

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