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hammysando · 5 months

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"When The Carnations Bloom" Jing Yuan x GN!Reader

AN: Here's the Arbiter General~ Felt kinda rushed at the end, but I'm more or less happy with how this came out! Once again likes and reblogs are appreciated! Don't be shy to leave a comment down below as well! <3 Reader is Gender Neutral!

Wordcount: 1.9K+ words~

Prompt: Reader has Hanahaki and hides it from everyone. (Except for Bailu.)

TW: Major character death (Reader), slight descriptions of blood.

Please read at your own risk!

More below the cut~

You were in the bathroom, throwing up those damned flowers again. They came up and out of your throat quickly and painfully, as you emptied out whatever you could. Tired, you leaned against the wall and glanced down at the bloodied and saliva-covered red carnations in your sink. Crinkling your nose up in disgust, you tried to regulate your ragged breathing by taking deep breaths. It proved to be difficult, but little by little, you calmed your erratic pulse. And little by little, the urge to break out into violent coughs ceased. Moving to get back into bed, you groaned softly as a knock sounded at the door. Vowing to murder whomever showed at your door, you wearily trudged over.

“(Name)! General is slacking off again!” A boyish voice shouted from the other side, drawing a long sigh from you. Ah, it was Yanqing.

Begrudgingly, the door swung open and you scowled slightly at the thought of having to drag Jing Yuan back to the Seat of Divine Foresight. Yanqing stood there, looking just as annoyed as you did, and the two of you shared a knowing look. The general was once again skipping out on paperwork. Stepping out in whatever you were wearing currently, you didn't care for the strange looks you garnered from your neighbors.

“Again?” You grumbled this softly, trying to ignore the flowers that started to tickle the back of your throat, just from the thought of Jing Yuan. Ah, how could you have fallen for someone so frustrating, yet so handsome?

“Again. I couldn't think of anyone to get him to do his work but you.” Yanqing said this apologetically but started to lead you away to where the general slumbered. The entire way, you grumbled about how you should start charging Jing Yuan. You were acting as his very own human alarm, after all.

The arduous journey led you straight to a certain garden. And lo and behold, the snow haired man slept soundly under an arbor of wisteria and an assortment of other flowers. You fought down the flowers that clogged your throat as your eyes found his form. Letting out a strained grunt, you stalked over to Jing Yuan, and prepared to smack him upside the head. Yanqing watched on curiously. He had seen this spectacle several times, but you seemed… Tired, to him. Less eager to smack the general. Though as soon as his thoughts started to wander, a resounding smack of skin on skin drew his light topaz colored eyes to the source.

Jing Yuan rubbed the back of his head, a relaxed and even amused smile on his face as he regarded you. Meanwhile, you frowned at him disapprovingly. It looked like a lion being scolded by a very unhappy sparrow. It was comical to any passerby, if it weren't for said lion being the General of the Xianzhou Luofu.

“Jing Yuan, how many times are you going to slack off?” You scolded him, expression softening. Ah, you could never stay mad at him. Those sincere honey eyes of his made you weak to your knees. Keeping the flower petals at bay, you simply crossed your arms and looked at him expectantly.

“Well my dear (Name)... If I didn't slack off, I wouldn't get a chance to see you everyday.” His deep voice said this with velvety smoothness as he chuckled and smiled at you fondly. “You know how boring it is to do paperwork everyday. What if I want to see my favorite-”

You flicked his forehead and sighed through your nose. His words caused the roots of the flowers in your lungs to tighten and contract. It hurt to hear those words from him. You almost wished he would stop saying such things. And to stop looking at you with such softness. Every action and look from the cloud-haired man fueled the slow agony you suffered.

“Seat of Foresight. Now.” You crossed your arm tighter as he sighed heavily and stood.

“Anything for you, little sparrow.”

The weeks passed on uneventfully, and your routine stayed the same. You coughed up those dreaded carnations, rouge color matching that of your blood. Then tiredly, you would drag Jing Yuan back to his office to fulfill his duties before going about your own day. It was troublesome at times, but it was comfortable. Admittedly, you enjoyed what little time you had with the general. After you retired from the frontlines, you gradually saw Jing Yuan less and less. This was one of the few ways you could see him still, without seeming a bother.

More weeks passed, and you seemed to grow weaker and weaker as the deep red carnations started to bloom. And yet, you couldn't bring yourself to tell anyone of your predicament. Of your beautifully cruel disease, as it destroyed you quietly. The flowers came heavily now, blooming delicately in full.

One fairy night in summer, a knock on the door sounded softly. You weren't surprised. In fact, you had expected this to happen. You see, as your condition worsened, you distanced yourself. No longer, did you go to rouse the general from his slumber. No longer did you go to the Seat of Divine Foresight at the request of Jing Yuan, only to end up playing a game of starchess with him. Honestly, you had expected him to come sooner. You opened your front door, revealing the tall man. His golden eyes looked down at you, screaming their worry despite the calm smile on his face.

“Jing Yuan.” You spoke softly, acknowledging him.

“Little Sparrow.” He acknowledged you back, dipping his head toward you.

A silence ensued as you both stood there, gazing at one another. The sun had started to die in its grave in the sky, giving way to a plum sunset. And yet, nothing was said. Eventually, when the plum shades faded into inky indigo, Jing Yuan spoke. His tone was calm, with undertones of hope.

“Will you be there to scold me tomorrow?” It was a silly question that made laughter bubble up in your throat. The petals accompanied it, however. Fighting them back, you managed to crack a smile at the general.

“I'll be there.” His smile widened and his eyes melted into pools of honey, uncontrollably fond.

“Then I shall look forward to tomorrow. Until then, Little Sparrow.”

You sobbed softly to yourself that night as the stars made their nightly travel across the dark expanses of space.

Lady Bailu frowned at you deeply, anger and sorrow pooling in her eyes. Looking ready to cry, she turned away and sniffled violently. The Vidyadhara healer had just examined your condition, and her conclusion was not a favorable one. Fists clenched, she turned back to you.

“You're going to die very soon, (Name). If you don't do something. The carnations are in full bloom.. At this rate you'll suffocate on them and-.” The tears started to slide down her cheeks as she glared up at you. Your only response was a sorrowful smile.

“I'm a coward, Lady Bailu. I could never burden Jing Yuan.” You sighed.

“Then let me treat them. Let me get rid of them for you-” You cut her off, shaking your head gently.

“And lose the ability to love? To be considered alive?” Bailu could not fight against you. Instead, Bailu sobbed into your shoulder, gripping you tightly as you bent down and gently hugged her small, quivering form. You would miss her. Miss Yanqing. Aeons, you'd even miss Fu Xuan and her nagging. And Jing Yuan and his lazing about.

The following days, you spent packing your things into boxes and labeled them with names of the ones you wanted them to go to. Your precious sword collection would go to Yanqing of course. Qingque got your prized mahjong board made from the finest jade. And Jing Yuan received the first tea set you ever got. It had been a gift from the man himself. A retirement gift, as he would have put it. You knew he'd take good care of it. Saying goodbye to these things were bittersweet. But, you couldn't bring yourself to bear your soul to Jing Yuan. And you couldn't undergo Bailu’s treatment to rid yourself of these carnations in your lungs. All living things were built to love. Platonically or not. If you lost that feeling, could you even consider yourself ‘alive’, anymore? You sighed softly as you finished the last of the box. You were certain that they would be treasured and treated well. The last thing to do, was to pen the letters.

News of your death spread through the Xianzhou Luofu like wildfire. Many were in disbelief, while some mourned for you. Jing Yuan had been shocked by this, not wanting to believe it. His footsteps echoed on the pavement of your home’s walkway. No, he needed to see you. He needed to put the worries and fears in his mind to rest. You couldn't die. You were General (Name) (Last name), the Blade Singer. The one who slayed thousands of abhorrentions of abundance. There couldn't be a possibility you had died.

The air of your home was already going stale without your presence. Though it also carried the faintest wisps of your scent. Jing Yuan’s chest tightened with pain as he stared at the boxes with names. At the letters. At you, so still in your bed. Your eyes were shut peacefully as red carnations surrounded you, in full bloom. One could almost mistake you as simply sleeping. Bailu was at your side, sobbing, along with a Yanqing who clung onto your hand, head bowed as hot tears slid down his face and hit the floor with a dull thunk.

Your funeral was one lush with flowers, and held on a day as sunny as always. The summer fairy lights seemed to gather around your starskiff, adorned with different blooms, to send you off. A silent farewell. Jing Yuan watched with unsteady honey eyes. He had lost so much already. To the point where he assumed that losing would no longer hurt him. Alas, he had been wrong. Losing you, brought an indescribable hurt to him. Chest clenching painfully, Jing Yuan excused himself soon after your funeral.

Wandering aimlessly, the General found his feet taking him to the garden you had both met in when you were young. He had fallen asleep, and you were running away from your mentor. A wistful smile found its way onto Jing Yuan’s face before he slipped a letter out of his pocket. In your handwriting, his name was penned. Jing Yuan couldn't bring himself to open it before, scared that if he acknowledged your passing, you would truly disappear from this world. But now, steeped in an indigo peace, he found the courage to open the neatly sealed envelope.

It carried your scent and your presence in every line. Every brush stroke.

To you, who I loved;

This journey has been a strange blessing and curse. Though, I would rather not have had it at all. Unfortunately, it seems unrequited love has been my undoing. I'm sure Lady Bailu has filled you in on everything… And I would like to apologize for being such a coward.

I loved you, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. Perhaps it was my own fears that stopped me. I didn't want to burden you with my feelings. But I think most importantly, I didn't want to relearn the pain of losing someone I loved. We've lost so much, Yuan. I couldn't bear to lose you too. It was my own shortcoming. And it may be selfish and too late to say now, but...

I love you, Jing Yuan.

-(Name) (Last name)

Jing Yuan traced your penmanship with his fingertips. And a single hyacinth flower fluttered from his lips.

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writer-room · 17 days

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Hey. The Finders have no idea that Bonzle was captured. Fritz and Spitz are still waiting, playing video games in the Monastery, for Cole to bring their sister out of hiding now that the blood moon is over. Geo is still sitting by the window, watching and waiting for a dragon on the horizon to return his kid safe and sound. Cole took a very unsure Bonzle, assured them all everything would be okay, and they'd be back soon. He promised he'd find a way to protect her.

Don't think about how they'll smile when Cole finally trudges back, happy to know he's okay. Especially don't think about the Finders stopping, looking out over the group, and how Cole can't look them in the eyes when they turn to him and ask; where's Bonzle?

#ninjago #ninjago dragons rising #lego ninjago #dragons rising #bonzle #finders #cole #cole brookstone #geo #fritz #spitz #text post #angst #talk #LISTEN TO ME #COLE LOST 2 WHOLE FAMILY MEMBERS DURING THAT BLOOD MOON #HES GOING TO NOT BE OKAY!!!!!!! HES DOING SO BAD #mans is a FATHER and he PROMISED he'd keep his kid safe. he promised it to the OTHERS #and hes going to have to walk back up those steps and admit to being a LIAR and a FAILURE #hes not obviously sht just went sideways but you KNOW he blames himself #geo very worriedly stayed behind w fritz & spitz FULLY TRUSTING that cole would keep bonzle safe & bring her back #he loves him so much (in a gay way. u know it to be true) so he trusts him IMPLICITLY to keep them safe. hes done it before #can you imagine the HORROR when cole comes back and hes...alone. with no one else but the other ninja (minus 1)#geo realizing what happened before the kids. the way everything just freezes and drops. cole curled so tight in on himself #and cole cant say hes sorry because he cant even look at them. he lost family hes had for over a decade & a kid he claimed his own for year #you saw how he was w child wu. you saw how desperate he was to keep bonzle safe. AND KAI IS GONE TOO???#homeboy is having the literal worst day ever. imagine him trying to tuck fritz & spitz close while on one knee trying to explain it all #and bro jsut feels like hes literally the worst person in the world #something something 'you dont get to stay with the ninja & be happy. i tried to protect you from what hurt me as a kid'#'and instead your right in the thick of it'

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pup-pee · 2 months

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jokes @ night r not funny in the morning,,,

originally the blue was green but then i decided 2 b pan

#dont even ask me what i was trying 2 accomplish #CAUSE IDKKK #sighs @ least they look cute igg #bart is still hard 4 ne 2 draw idk sobbs #also i seem 2 draw him in a lot of tanktops while i draw kon in a lot of crop tops #i just ?????????#anyways i literally have no idea wtf this means #it was supposed 2 b silly & funny but if ur evil u could make it angsty #not me thoo…..i would neever #cause what kind of sick freak does that #((its me im the sick freak))#no but this is supposed 2 b silly ITS JUST RLLY NOT FUNNY IDK #konbart #kart #still 2 scared 2 but it in their main tags or whateverrrr #NO BC LIKE I DONT WANNA GET RIPPED APART #omggg the reason y it looks more angst is bc i put the ‘dw’ isnt itttt #ughhhhhhh #ok sure whatever GRRR AAAAAA #i have a better kart drawing idea but this 1 was easier 2 draw #brrrr #i feel like im just mostly going 2 b drawing kart 2day oh man #((i say this like i dont draw them everyday))#puppee art #holy u can rlly tell i h8 stabalizers batman #i say ‘line arts my fav part’ but i dont actually do nice line art idfkkk yyyy but mayb its bc u dont need clean lineart 2 render stuff???#@ least i dont #man i should render smth its been so long since ive like ‘completed’ a full drawingg #HELP IM STILL UPSET HOW I DREW BART I LIKE I JUST DONT WANT 2 DRAW HIM LOOKING LIKE A KID BUT LIKE OTS KINDA HARD WHEN HES NEXT 2 KON THIS I

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itssoinevitable · 1 year

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I should have listened to you, Mrs Hall. You always seem to know what’s best for me.

#this has been haunting me since I watched the xmas special #more gifs to come (I hope!)#look at the way he hopes she will take his hand #as she did last time to comfort him when he was sad #my man you are not subtle #and i love you for it #I love that this episode planted the seeds in Siegfried's mind that he may have certain feelings for Audrey he won't admit to #bring on the PINING bring on the ANGST #it's going to be amazing #how do we wait til next september I wonder #siegfried farnon #audrey hall #siegfried x audrey #acgas spoilers #acgas s3 #acgas 2020

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astranauticus · 9 months

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Do mechanites cry?

#rolling with difficulty #vrla rwd #mrsn rwd #vr la rwd #mr sn rwd #art i made #yet another thing i drew then just fully forgot to post LMAO #man i had to listen to 3.7 like 3 times for this. goddammit #easter egg: the 4 big infernal books in the shelf all say contract law like its a textbook series i guess #the small one next to them says Doctor Faustus bc i was looking to my irl bookcase for inspiration #and the christopher marlowe play was one of my alevel lit texts #also i think it would be really funny if the devils have their own version of the story of the deal with the devil guy #honestly this may have been the kinda. last straw of my burnout cuz this was a lot of time spent on a lot of stuff im really not good at #and none of it turned out... exactly how i wanted but oh well. it is what it is #ok the kinda annoying thing about me spending far too fucking long drawing super emotional scenes like this is i kinda #desensitise myself to whatever im drawing. like i felt it the most with the demon possession comic i casually tossed into the discord #bc thats the exact kinda angst i personally LOVE but it just doesnt have the same punch after ive been staring at it for 5 hours straight #(anyway go read cal's fic about it its on ao3 and its bloody good)#all this to say. when i first listened to 3.7 and austin had that exchange of like #'noir can i ask you a lore question' 'sure..?' 'do mechanites cry?'#i straight up got fuckin CHILLS. and sometimes i forget that but i try to force myself not to

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angstalottle · 1 year

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Ok so is 1am I just finished work and I can’t stop thinking about a Ben 10 theory that’s wormed it’s way into my skull!

So!

I’m Ben 10 Secrets of the Omiverse the first movie if I remeber right Gwen straight up dies. She then later turns up again having been brought back by a aliens goo that splashed on her before she died.

In Ben Ten Alien Force episode 11 unearthed we find out that Gwens powers are because she’s an Anodite and her grandma basically says that to access her full powers and her Anodite form her body needs to be destoryed. She even says

“One day you will learn how to make a new body”

But Gwen stops this and turns her down.

However later in the show Gwen does appear as a Anodite. Once her body disappears in a glow of light and she grows huge and after that her body splits apart like when she was fighting the DNAliens and that other time with Charmcaster.

Yet each time she is able to return to human form.

When she follows Ben into the Ultimatrix in Ben 10 ultimate alien she appears as a Anodite and says

“I guess I’m more Anodite then I thought”

My theory is that when Gwen died it wasn’t the alien goo that brought her back but instead this was her physical body being destroyed and her unknowingly creating herself a new body that fits what she wants.

This would explain why her powers colour later changes from blue like magic to pink like Anodite have.

Azimuth even notes later on when her powers are pink that it’s Mana

I have put more thought into this then anything else I have done recently

#ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 classic #anodite #theory #idk man #I’m tired and this made sense to me #tbf I wrote a angsty fic about Gwens body breaking apart every time she used her powers #I think it was my first angst fic #god I need to sleep before I go looking for this fic and cringe

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emmedoesntdomath · 5 months

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i have an addiction, and that addiction is to writing harley keener with long, steve harrington-style blown out mullet once he hits the age of 19

#look okay #sixteen yo harley does not need a mullet #he’s already got enough angst going on #but nineteen?#you will have to arrest me to stop me #full on catch me if you can mr holmes #marvel 616 #marvel cinematic universe #marvel #marvel mcu #mcu #harley keener #iron man movies #iron man 3 #iron lad #emme’s bad ideas

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egginfroggin · 6 months

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Had the mental image of Iced Tracks Zisu finding out that Ingo went like more than a decade with basically no physical contact and immediately seeking to remedy his touch starvation.

Lots of little touches and shoulder bumps get put into their everyday routine. It's like they gravitate towards each other whenever they're in the same room (which happens frequently). Standing very, very close to each other when they present together, closer than most royal couples tend to stand to each other -- there's no space between them at all.

She'll adjust his crown even when it's perfectly straight, and, after a time, he takes to fiddling with her hair.

Also, head bonks. They do it. Bonk your shoulder, bonk your back, bonk your head and make both our skulls rattle, yeh. We call that blunt force affection in this castle, dang it.

Basically, Zisu looks at it as a decade of touch deprivation and makes it her mission to make up for it. Ten-odd years is a long time to miss affection.

And I know that that's not how touch starvation works -- it's not like a meter that can be replenished and then bam, you're fine, it's an ongoing ailment that takes time to work through the psychological effects of -- but just as... a storytelling element? Is that the right word? Fluffs, it's for fluffs. Narrative frippery.

Anyway.

Yeah.

#iced tracks #captain zisu #subway boss ingo #dojoshipping #eggin's writings #i just like soft things don't look at me i like soft things #i need to heccin' draw some of these at some point :/#I'd like to point out that emmet is incredibly affectionate too #man's also a bit touch starved #I'll touch on that in another post though I think #for now enjoy the fluffy mental imagery this hopefully conjures #it's so silly I make fluff posts like this but the story itself has so much angst to go #like I'm thinking I need to get on with the story #Ingo's got mental breakdowns due y'all #but no my brain is like hehehehehehe post-story ship fluff go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr #well anyway have a good day!

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itspileofgoodthings · 1 year

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My mom to me this week: Maria you’re very pretty, a fact you have always had trouble believing

#look I’m back on my bullshit of talking about my looks again even though I know it doesn’t matter/I have largely moved on from struggling #over it #But sometimes I still DO and I also still like to talk about it #And yeah. Man. I’ve always had such a fraught relationship with my face #this is some Anne of green gables shenanigans but some part of me is like ‘this is not dignified or romantic enough’#like it’s so shepherdess/baker of me #Also a part of me has gotten over that of course #A bigger part of me knows it doesn’t matter and also has let it go #And a part of me has fully accepted that I’m pretty #But really I guess I want to talk about it (to myself I mean) because it just was such a concern of mine for so long #Caused me such angst!!!!!!#Also I don’t think it helped that I got a) no male validating b) a lot of female validation #My high school classmates VERY quick to tell me I was pretty #Me knowing enough to know that it must be a very non-threatening prettiness if they could say it so fast #Also of course packaged in the high school girl snide/silliness of ‘let me do your makeup’ which I never did lol #I did let one girl straighten my hair though which was a fun experiment #I still occasionally LOVE having straight hair #it’s just literally such a new self for me #And it’s funnnnnnn #Anyway the tall blonde at my sister’s wedding who walked across the room to ask me to dance healed a lot more hurt inside me #than he had any idea of #(No he wasn’t the love of my life) (the moment was ROMANCE though)#anyway like. Again. Mostly there is no point to me chattering on about this and I don’t want to gain anything by it #Because I know all the things I need to #It just really is—the way I experience life is still very much being content with my appearance #And then having these FLASHES of either total ego or complete cringe #And both are very intense! I know I know the human condition. The feminine condition! Lol #Okay I’m done. Thanks for listening

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twpsyn-who · 1 year

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Soulmate AU in which you see the way you die when you touch your soulmate for the first time.

And yeah we have the classic "bottle to the neck" scene which is kiss chief 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼 BUT I present to you "Steve touched Eddie by mistake during high school" with a little bit of "Steve is an idiot and didn't notice" and "Eddie is suffering".

The fall of 1883. Steve has yet to make a move on Nancy, let alone touch her. Meanwhile Eddie is living his best life as of yet : his father finally got put in prison, new freshman has joinend his club and they finally found a drummer for their band. Yes, Will Byers got missing and Eddie felt a little bad for Jonathan, but that was life. Nothing could change Eddie's good vibes.

Until The King of Hawkins runs by him while trying to get to one Nancy Wheeler. The touch was barely there, a hand brushing by Eddie's leather jacket, but it was enough to trigger their apparent soulmate bound. That's when Eddie saw himself in front of his trailer (which looked more like a military base or a fortress with how heavily guarded it was), holding into a made up spear and a shield made with a bin's lid with nails pushed into it. There were huge bats (?) (Eddie wasn't sure what to name the things in the sky yet) getting out of the trailer and him from the vision began running towards one of the bikes outside, getting on one of them and pedalling away from the trailer.

He was yelling for them to follow him. It probably made sense, if uncle Wayne was in the trailer, for him to try get those monsters away. That didn't stop Eddie from being surprised at seeing himself trying to be the hero.

He was no hero. Eddie has always run away from conflicts, from fights and situations that put him in a bad spot. From help too, until his father finally lost it to the alcohol and Eddie has to accept uncle Wayne's offer to move with him if he wanted to stay alive. He was known for running away.

Yet he was trying to get the monsters away from the trailer, distract their attention. And he made a good job too, until his bike got stuck into a vine and made him hit the ground. Eddie felt sick while watching his vision self try fight the monsters only to get pinned down by them and eaten alive. He from the vision was yelling from pain and it took agonizingly long for the huge bats (looking closer they had no resemblance of bats, yet it felt right to call them as such for some reasons) to drop on the ground. By then it was more blood outside of Eddie than inside and he could see his vision's self organs from one of the bites.

There was more, Eddie knew there was more to watch, more to see before he was going to take his last breath, but the vision was too much and it took all of his willpower to get out of it. By then he was alone in the hallway, the classes going while he was watching his own death happen. He went straight for the bathroom and pushed his way into the first stall before getting on his knees and vomiting all he got to eat the other day.

He was crying. Eddie could tell that it was going to happen soon, with how young he looked in the vision. At that point it didn't even mattered anymore that his soulmate was the biggest jerk alive, not when the future was so dark and he wouldn't survive it.

Somehow Eddie spent the rest of the school classes in the bathroom, switching between vomiting and mourning over something that he was never going to have.

#before you go at me : this was supposed to be a Kas Eddie kind of thing aka he doesn't actually dies there lol #or he does and in his place Kas gets born idk man. The idea is that we do have a vampire Eddie on the loose #thooo I love angst man and the idea of Eddie's grades going to shit cuz he knew he would die soon anyway??? of Eddie fucking around and #being a menace to society cuz he was going to die??? only for that to be his downfall altogether?!?!?#The vision didn't stop. Only Eddie stopped looking at it. That means he heard what happened in the background while he was vomiting #he knew of Dustin. And yet the second he saw the three frenchman having a hard time he COULDN'T not take them under his wing #imagine Eddie trying so hard to not get attached/close to Dustin only for him to somehow get closer #Eddie asked the guys once if they meet their soulmates and Dustin said yes and he was going to die in his 40s in a car accident (totally a #lie but Eddie was so RELIEVED when he heard that)#anyway I had a follow up fpr this. if anyway wanna me ramble more about it #meanwhile get this little angsty little thing. as a treat #gosh this is in my drafts since nov 7 agdhdjskks #stranger things #stranger things eddie #eddie munson #stranger things steddie #steddie

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lilyrizzy · 2 years

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i’ve finally finished the wip i’ve had since january :) to celebrate here is a snippet

warnings: mentions of minor character death

“I need to tell Zak,” Daniel says, later, after they’ve sat in more silence for what feels like hours, but Daniel knows can only be a few minutes. He wants to live in this moment forever until it will feel like it was for something.

“Do you- do you want me to call him?” Max offers, tentative.

Daniel’s fingers flex on impulse, he has to force himself to unclench them from around Max’s arms, has to force himself not to snap again, to take a deep breath. He thought- He thought holding Max was proving to Max, to himself that he can do this, can cope with this. This is his practice, his chance to make sure he can step up for Michelle, for his mum, when he gets to Australia. It’s what his dad would want from him.

He pushes down the part of him that wants to snap that he’s not a child.

“Nah,” he gets out after he’s unclenched his jaw. He forces his voice to stay even as he shakes his head, “I should do it. Besides, weren’t you going to sort our ride.” It’s a weak attempt at teasing, but Max smiles at him. He slides off Daniel’s lap, going to find his phone, Daniel presumes. Before he leaves, he presses a kiss against Daniel’s curls and Daniel forces himself not to flinch.

Alone again, Daniel looks out at the blue-green waves lapping against the superyachts below, listens to the distant and gentle thrum of music already coming from them even though it’s barely 8 am. Come evening, they’ll be in full party mode, thumping bass and out at sea somewhere.

He never took his mum and dad on a superyacht. He’d had the opportunity to, in 2018 after his win here, but they’d insisted that he go on partying without them. His dad had always thought they were gaudy, a stupid way to show off how much money you have. What’s wrong with just a yacht, Daniel? He’d always ask in the early days, teasing, when Daniel first started in F1 and would phone them every week with new stories. One day you will grow up. He knows his dad had never meant it unkindly, but it stung then and it stings now, to think about. His dad is never going to see him become the man he wanted Daniel to be.

He’d always thought he’d get them on one if they ever watched him win the WDC.

Now his dad would never get to see that either.

Squinting against the sun begins to hurt his eyes. It’s the first physical feeling he can place since Michelle called. Pain. If this was real, wouldn’t he feel something else? Wouldn’t there be some scar on his body he could point to and say, I got this the day my dad died.

His fingers reach for the back of this thigh, to stroke across the handle of the dagger there, the word “Papa.”

He picks up his phone, and he means to find Zak’s contact, he does-

“Hello, Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital.”

“Hi,” Daniel begins, but his voice cracks so he has to clear his throat, “sorry- erm. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m- I’m looking for my dad, I think he might be a patient? He- he had-“

“Name, please, ”this polite but clipped voice interrupts. She sounds like home.

“Giuseppe Ricciardo,” then after a moment of listening to her clicking keyboard, “He might be under Joe?”

She hums. “I don’t see anyone by that name, sir. What did you say he came in for?”

Daniel feels a lightness rising in him, so fast it’s dizzying. “Heart- Heart attack.”

She hums again. “Nope. No record. You should try Royal Perth Hospital if you’re not sure where he might be.”

He says goodbye, relief flooding through him. Maybe- Maybe Michelle got it wrong. Maybe she’s confused- Maybe she’s going insane, and this is all part of some weird mental breakdown she’s having because she’s stressed, maybe-

“Hello, Royal Perth Hospital.”

This time it’s a man on the other line, who still sounds like home. Daniel’s palms are sweating, making it hard to keep his grip on his phone, as he has almost an identical conversation.

Almost identical.

“Yes,” the man begins, “I can see we have him in our-“ he breaks off abruptly. “Did you say you’re his son?”

Daniel swallows. His hands are shaking. “Yes, I-“ I’m Daniel Ricciardo he wants to say, like a fucking idiot. Like that means anything right now, as if this man might be a fan and tell him what he wants to hear instead of the truth because of it.

“Let me put you through to the Doctor,” and Daniel hates the sudden softness in his tone.

“Wait,” Daniel protests, “Is he, is he dead?” The words sound crude like he’s just sworn at him.

“I can’t give that information over the phone,” the man is saying, so calmly it’s eerie, “I’m just the receptionist, mate.” If Daniel’s dad was alive, he’d just say no.

“Are you- Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m really sorry, I’m not allowed.” But that’s not what Daniel was asking. “Let me put you through to the doctor, yeah?”

Daniel hangs up the phone.

The lightness from moments ago sits like a lead stone in his stomach, an embarrassing reminder of what a fucking fool he is. His irrational hope for better things, the belief that he was special, it’s always threatened to bleed him dry. As an empty shell, he’ll be no good to anyone. He needs to be better.

He puts his hand in his hair, wraps a curl around his finger and pulls, hard, for as long as he can stand.

Then he opens his phone again and calls Zak.

#look man idk #this fic is for me and maybe the three other people that like angst (with a happy ending)#also the finished product is currently 41k and will be posted god knows when #thank you to the light of my life for betaing this for me #yes the fic is daniels dad dying and him going back to perth with max #fic #max/daniel

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