#maybe I just am so used to feeling like. idk. loss? loneliness? longing?

[sanguinaryrot]

sometimes it really just is like do i actually miss u or have I just grown comfortable in the misery of ur absence

#this might be confusing to u but it wasn’t really supposed to be ‘relatable’ #just like. #went to find an old friends blog (like I do when I’m feeling….?) #and I expected to see his face and be like ohh oh ouch i miss u my life #but like. i didn’t. #even though I was feeling a kind of absence #maybe I just am so used to feeling like. idk. loss? loneliness? longing? #that I didn’t realize that I don’t really miss him at all. idk

[sugarwithtea]

nobody doesn't know anymore | myg

everyone knows, what loneliness can do to a mind. his mind is something that likes to use negatives, if only to complicate his feelings. yoongi is at the edge, thinking about everything that has built him into the man he is. then what is it that he still craves for? nobody doesn't know — because everyone knows it's not him, but his loneliness thinking.

pairing ; no pairing ft. yoongi

rating/genre ; pg // angst, idol au.

wc ; 1.4k

warnings ; thoughts about past, heavy use of metaphors (forgive me), my bad interpretation of people pt 2, hard childhood, inner turmoil, feelings of grief and loss.

note ; i wrote this so quick. people made me think so so so much. and i am in no way saying that this is what he is talking about in the song, so mind me. it's just that this song inspired me to write this. take this as a disclaimer but m not claiming that these are yoongi's thoughts — these are mine. if you understand what I'm trying to deliver, have my kisses please. listen to people pt 2 ft. iu by agust d for that's what compelled me to write this lol. again, this might not make much sense and idk how I've ended it! also, this is unedited hehe. for we die on this hill.

masterlist | taglist

---

Yoongi likes to think he has accomplished a lot in his life, but even that is a lie. And he knows that.

He had a dream when he was in middle school, and the years he had put into achieving it had been lengthy, and stressful. There were stretched moments of happiness too, where he had found himself at peace, proud of himself. But come today and he feels like there's a hole inside him.

He feels hollow. His heart still craves for more.

The dim light of his bedroom falls on his eyes and he breathes easily, taking in the air conditioned air with his eyes fluttering shut.

His mind drifts to his years of being a rebel, always disappointed by the ways of the world, and his lips quirk a little. Oh how foolish he was to think that he will be able to change it, that he will be able to see a place different from the one he has seen. With his eyes closed he shakes his head, thinking about the time he had realized how wrong he was.

The world is not going to change. It has billions of years in the making, and he, a mere man in his twenties, who has hardly seen the depth of the people living in it, has no chance of changing it. People might think he has seen a lot, known a lot, and is familiar with the ways of a lot – but the truth is that his knowledge has always been bound by his interests. He learns about the things he wants to know about, he doesn't go and seek answers for the questions which have never made their way into his mind.

His fingers twitch on his chest. He has always had this innate desire of being at peace. But even now, when he is supposed to feel it, his heart aches for something else. And maybe it's a shot in the dark, but the thought of an emotion that is so raw, but still built with layers of other feelings is what makes him crave for it.

His childhood years were not easy. He hadn't received the love, the support for which he had yearned. He was like a soul treading on, towards the light he had seen at the end of the dark tunnel he was residing in. But after years of his walking in the dark, when he had finally felt the light hit his withered, lifeless skin – he had grimaced and squinted his eyes. It had taken him a long time to get accustomed to that feeling, the raw warmth and the peaceful breeze.

His steps though, they never stopped. He had walked on and on, and had met a few too many travelers on his way, some of them joining him on his journey. Now that he had found the light, he didn't know what he was aiming for. Maybe just sit on the shore he could so clearly see, dip his feet in the sand and have conversations with the ones who had felt him worthy enough to join.

He had reached the shore too, pride swelling in his chest as the sand touched his feet. He had dipped his ankles in the warmth, and had enjoyed the softness. His greed, never ending, had compelled him to walk towards the water, hand in hand with his companion. He had perched himself at the edge, at the line where the warmth of the sand met the cold waves. His feet were no longer dipped in the grains, but in the cold water which washed away any remnants of the warmth he had yearned for.

The calmest of waves, had washed away something he had been wanting for so long. And that had him recoiling from there, leaving his companion's hand and looking back at the water as if he was burned. He was again in the sand, but the grains stuck to his feet, no longer making him feel warm, but irking him. He had run back, forgetting there was someone washing themselves in the waves for him. His selfishness had made him blind, and in his haste he had stumbled and fell on the ground.

That night the tears were thick, rolling down his face like the waves he so despised. For now there was no one to hold his hand and breath his scent – they had already been taken by the calmest of the oceans. The moon in the sky was covered by the clouds, and the only light he saw was a distant lighthouse. But he was tired, and he hated the water, so he made his house on the shore.

Now when he looks out of his window he doesn't see the light, for it had been taken from him the moment he had recoiled from the waves. He thinks he was selfless, because he hadn't brought his partner back, letting them revel in the peace the water provided. But even he knows how wrong he is – how the water did little to ease them, and so much to unnerve them when they saw how it affected him.

He still goes about his day with chivalry. Hoping that someday he will meet someone who will make him feel less lonely.

When he thinks back on that day, he realises he never feared loss, but the dread that came with it. He feared the possibilities, the future that will come with it. Maybe he never truly loved them, but the thought of being alone again was so daunting that he had folded like paper and fell on his knees when he had lost them.

He remembers the sandcastle he had built with them, the one which had been taken down by the calmest of assaults. Later when he had come to terms with the reality of him being alone, he had thought how people were fleeting, how feelings were fleeting. How easy is it to build something with someone, and easier for it to crumble down into nothingness.

So far away, that day, that feeling, that person. Everything is so far away from him, he can do nothing but sigh. When he had though that life was a struggle between revolt and submission, he was wrong. It was a struggle against loneliness. For he had rebelled, and surrendered but never did he understand the true sadness, until he was left alone, all on his own.

With eyes closed and breaths steady, he moves his hand on his bed, searching for his abandoned notebook. He needs to write, or else the calm breaths will turn ragged soon – and he can't risk it again.

On a page, he has already written down some lines. Has also scratched out some lines.

Maybe I didn't recieve enough love

Forever is a sandcastle, even with gentle waves, it collapses without resistance.

He scoffs, rewriting the lines and scratching the ones written before again.

Wasn't loved enough as a kid,

That's why I'm the cautious type.

Forever's something like a sand castle, you know.

It comes crumbling down at the calmest of waves.

He rubs his thumbs on the side of his pen, his tongue peeking out and brows furrowed. It's his countenance when he is in the mode of deep contemplation, and right now he is thinking if he should write about his loneliness or not.

Someone had once told him that a song tells the story the artist wants to say, and it can also communicate with the artist – telling them things they need to hear, not want to. With that in mind, he shakes his head and writes down a few more lines.

The say life's a struggle between resistance and submission.

I say it's a struggle against loneliness.

If you can't hold back, it's okay to cry.

He takes a deep breath before writing down the next line.

You're already more than enough to be loved.

His heart swells at that. Maybe he won't have to battle with himself every day. If he is able to accept that he is capable of being loved, he will come to terms with his future, his present too.

His journey has been fulfilling, he has discovered himself. And his feet land on the floor of his bedroom, thinking that maybe some day, he will have a hand to hold on to, without feeling the guilt that eats at his insides.

Because the greed that he wanted to give up was of no use, and his selflessness only caused him more pain. Maybe this time, he will be selfish, wishing for something which he will never let go. Something which has layers and a string of emotions strung together like a necklace – Love.

Because he knows that everyone knows. And nobody doesn't know anymore, that loneliness has been the root of all his desires.

---

taglist : @jinsquishes @jeonkookiesworld @sailoryooons @jjkeverlast @aliimac @gimmethatagustd @namjoonwhoresworld @apotatomashedbybts @synnfulqt @saweetspoiled @chimchimmarie @sugababylove84 @axigailxo @yoongukie-ff @instabull @graycosco @wobblewobble822 @jungkooksseuphoria @kalea10 @yoongimarryme3 @jminssiii @cowboylikeyoongi @sashs-posts @iwishselena

--

© sugarwithtea. do not repost.

please reblog, give feedback or comments to lmk your thoughts. it helps tremendously!!

#yoongi #min yoongi #yoongi angst #min yoongi angst #bts angst #bts #people pt 2 #agust d #btswritersclub #btshoneyhive #bangtanoasis #bangtantheatrenet #kflixnet #k labels #bangtanbathhouse #myg angst #myg #yoongi imagine #yoongi scenario #min yoongi bts #suga #suga bts #suga angst

[tordenvejr]

how can i make new friends in adulthood ? i always come off as weird or clingy or i always try to make a move on people when i get drunk around them lol i try to not get drunk. have u ever been so lonely that you talk to urself ? i really need friends im so lonely. im seriously thinking about hurting myself im that lonely and alone im scared of myself too sometimes in those times you know. my mom and dad are real distance we never talk so i have nobody to talk to. i guess im scared to get close because i always end up pushing people away before they leave me. idk but im scared right now im scared today for a new day. i know that i wont hurt myself i just need someone to talk to. im lonely and just lonely. but how do u personally make new connections in adulthood ? sorry to have bothered you if this is a stupid message lol bye.

for the life of me i cannot understand why people come to me for friendship advice 🐌 i am a hermit too! but i'll do my best to answer your questions 🌤️

immerse yourself in what you love, express of what you love, seek out what you love and when you stumble into others with similar loves, be brave despite the fear of vulnerability, allow yourself the opportunity of connection and let the reaching for that be worth it even if you are rejected.

do you know that you come off as weird and clingy? or is that a judgement that you're putting on yourself, and you speaking for other people?

try to be comfortable in the space between separation and deep intimacy, i can speculate that wanting that intimacy as fast as possible (in the context of 'making a move') may be a way to protect yourself from the discomfort of not knowing how they feel about you, and it's a way to make yourself feel safe.

i talk to myself all the time, that isn't a bad or a weird thing, some of us just do that. why not confide in one of your oldest friends? why not take up space?

the echoes of other people's past cruelty towards you, in your voice towards yourself, is only going to broaden your pain, and it's only going to make you feel more lonely. challenge it when it comes, offer new ways of thinking about yourself, agree to only speak with malicious words towards yourself once a day - it's better than all the time.

you have to make a choice, will you continue destroying yourself or will you nourish yourself? if you feel as if you do not deserve nourishment then that is a separate wound to care of, but while it may feel like an obstacle in your decision, it is not. make your choice regardless of how you feel about yourself. it has to start somewhere, and when you make this choice, to sustain yourself, hurting yourself is not an option. so what will you do instead?

ask yourself, are you scared of yourself or have you just been scared so long that you have begun to think that it is of you? does the distrust belong to you, or is it others own projected self-distrust?

when there is a longing for your parents that cannot be sated or met, that means that there is a loss of something important, and when there is a loss there is a grief to be had. allow the grief to take space, when you feel called to. everything may be too overwhelming right now, but give yourself the grace of caring for it and allowing it to hurt when a wave of hurt, loneliness, neglect washes over you. waves and clouds always pass.

why do you push them away? what are you afraid will happen? are you anticipating a repeat of a past wound, maybe even related to how you were raised? the present it not the past, and should something painful happen in the present you are more capable in dealing with it than you ever were before. are you afraid that people will find something in you and deem you unworthy? identify exactly what you are afraid will be found, and then describe exactly why that quality or aspect is one that you possess? and define why it is bad? not what you fear will happen, but why is that quality bad? who decided that?

tend to your nervous system, regulate it every day, allow presence to begin to take up more space than fear.

give up on your defense of avoidance, so that people can come in and be by your heart.

why would you messaging me be a bother? why would you genuinely asking for advice be stupid? promise me no more 'lol byes' 🧸 you do not need it when you're ready to show up authentically. give up expecting rejection and mistreatment. you are strong, you are not at the mercy of me or anyone else. love u 🤝☀️

#answered

[rumblelibrary]

I'm not sure if you have already done something like this before, and if you did, please let me know, I'd love to read it, BUT I was wondering if you could do a little thing, maybe with Sebastian Zöllner, where he is like totally behind on every fucking deadline, work is just piling up, he got into stress with his ex, the dishes are not done, he should go take out the trash, you know, everything is just piling up and he just cracks under the pressure, severely doubting his worth as a person. And his friend, the reader, gotta try their best to build him up again, telling him all the things they love about him, and it slowly turns into a love confession without them noticing.

Is this too elaborate, does that make sense for Seb? Idk. To me it does? Like he's always very...Seb around other people, but deep down I feel like he's always under this pressure to live up to his own and others expectations, wanting to be big and famous and perfect in a way.

I'm so sorry, brain go brrr.

Never Enough [Sebastian Zöllner x Reader]

Word Count: 4k Warnings: bad habits (heavy smoking and drinking), self deprecation, depression and some fluff in the end. A/N: I loved this prompt, I love to write Sebastian so thanks to you once more for giving me this opportunity

He should have probably realised something was wrong when the ashtray was vomiting cigarettes out from its dooming position beside the laptop.

He nervously used the left part of the one he just ended to scavenge some space and just pressed it along the others.

Or maybe when after another sip of the same cold coffee mixed with cheap gin he felt the walls of his stomach revolting and stirring against him, threatening a much bigger damage.

Or, again, when he felt like calling back Elke because he was so alone and he was hungry and tired, and she might hate him but he could pull some puppy eyes and maybe it would work. It usually did.

The truth was that he shouldn’t have taken up so many jobs, but the bank account was crying and he needed them, he needed the money.

But again: writing about the umpteenth girl- artist performing naked on a famous historic location?

Or do we have to talk about the way somebody splashed some colour here and there  on a canvas saying it is the catharsis of his young mind against the social construct?

Please, may God spare him from the man calling himself landscape artist because he takes pictures of naked girls on a field.

Charged up with this amount of nothingness, he could just write and delete, write and delete, words count going quickly up to 400 only to go back at 0 in a snap of his fingers over the buttons, because he couldn’t just tear them down. He had to give them some hope, a glimpse of potential he couldn’t see and he wasn’t even aware it existed. Each of them disgusted him, but he was specifically asked to be entertaining and not a killer with his words.

So he kept swiping up videos and photos of these artists, trying to find one thing, one holy grail to get attached to and finally write one good optimistic line in the middle of the words he had to pull up to keep a moderate tone.

He rubbed his temple running over his hairline, which by the way was perfectly fine, before his hand reached down and he touched his t-shirt pulling on the neckline to gather some air, he was wearing his pyjama still, white stained shirt on blue tartan pants. He raised up the shirt and bowed his head down giving in a long inhale from the inside and just cringed to himself.

He looked around as he couldn’t stand up, if he did then he will get only more distracted and these articles needed to be ready for tomorrow.

He noticed the spray against the mosquitos on the floor, those little bastards always hiding under his desk to bite his ankles, he picked it up and sprayed it over himself like it was perfume hoping to ignore the need of a shower for few more hours.

His eyes scanned the small studio flat he was living now: the dishes sticking out of the sink, the noisy fridge buzzing. The one table that was also his work desk filled with used mugs, stained plates covered in cigarettes and leftovers, empty packages of his favourite brand discarded everywhere: from the bathroom up to the couch and to the small bed he owned. Damn, if he run out of cigarette it will be hard to ignore how he also run out of food.

The space was dark and gloomy, some of his stuff still packed up, the fake pop art panting of him and Elke staring at him reminding him of his other loss.

He didn’t touch the bed in days, he just slept on the seat or on the couch.

His attention was attracted by his phone buzzing.

He sat up straight as it was her, it was Elke.

Did she sense his discomfort? 

“Elke” he picked up the call in a second.

“Wow, a quick answer, did you have your phone already in your hand or it happens just so late at night?”

Her sarcasm did’t go past him, but he just thought how long it was since he heard a human voice and not the recording of some idiot calling himself artist.

“No, I was thinking of you”

“Yes, sure, look I have sent you an email with the bills of the time you were here, the ones you have left to pay and it is only fair that you pay at least half of them”

“Sure” he just said it because he wanted to go past the point of money, he wanted her back. Maybe he could crush at her place, feel her hands through his hair, shower, sleep some good sleep and the articles will come around in few types “Elke, I was thinking we might…”

“I just called you for the bills”

“I know, but maybe we could have” his eyes darted at the top right of his laptop screen to see the time “a drink together?”

She huffed a laughter as he frowned lightly “I know you Seb, if it is money or sex what you’re looking for that door is closed and it has been for a long time”

“I know” he murmured as he let out a breathy sigh, a dooming sense of loneliness creeping over him like a giant spider ready to wrap him up and eat him “I just hoped…”

“Don’t hope Sebastian, you’re already an hopeless cause”

She hung up on him and he was left there, he kept that same pose with his phone against his ear. His eyes trailing once again over the empty page of his document on the screen, on the chaos surrounding him.

He nibbled on his bottom lip before running his tongue over the pained area.

He pushed the phone back down on the table with a tremble of his jaw and a shaky hand.

She was right.

What he did of his life anyway? He lost most of his occasions in life, he was now in his thirties and he concluded nothing of what he hoped to be, he failed in all the departments both as an artist and as a critic.

A jack of all trades is a master of none, and maybe only the first type of the famous quote could be applied to him.

He couldn’t even take the trash out or he couldn’t remember the last time he ate something that was vaguely resembling of fruits or vegetables. It is all good when you imagine yourself as a bohemian rooting against the world, when you convince yourself that’s only the proof you needed to know you are fighting well against a system of art that privileges banality and marketing over real artistic value and that, one day, all your struggles will be worth it.

Even Picasso was poor for a long time in Paris.

Damn, maybe to be in a situation like this in Paris would sound more romantic.

But the truth was: he never imagined to have to do it alone, that life would feel so overwhelming, that there wouldn’t be anything but extreme struggle, anger, loneliness and a terrible diet.

For a moment he wished to be a baby again, to be the bright boy he was and let mommy take care of his needs and his dirty shirt and empty stomach. He wished that maybe somebody noticed him before, that somebody saw his talent and helped him to pull it out instead of leaving him to do it on his own only to come late to every step.

And now it is too late, he is lost in the sea of terrible paid jobs and anguishing relationships, let’s not forget maybe he indeed had a receding hairline and he was doomed to get bold .

He squeezed his eyes as a soft sob took over his lip, hand running over his forehead as he pulled on his hair justifying his tears with some physical pain. He shook his head as he tried to gain back some composure, hand flung over to pick up his coffee mug and giving in a long gulp of the coffee, the same one he swore before to not touch again, only to almost choke on it, couching it out only to pick up the bottom hem of his shirt to clean his laptop screen.

He fucking hated to write on a computer, the old typewriters inspired him but that damn ink was too expensive now for his sore pockets.

He smirked to himself as he kept doing it, finding good excuses to call himself off any responsibility. But maybe Elke was right, well she surely was, she had two degrees, maybe he was really a lot cause. He frowned as he wiped slowly the screen with his already stained shirt, the wetness sticking then against his skin as soon as he let it go giving him another shiver.

He didn’t have even the strength to cry, he could only accept it was over.

The curse that he shouted out loud when he heard knocking at the door, smashing him out of his thought spiral, generated an immediate anger reaction from him.

“Fuck, shit, if it is the fucking neighbour, I swear I will kill her cat or that rat she has as cat, fucking hell”

He grumbled as he stood up moving across the table not caring about his state, he only wanted to crawl back into a ball and maybe nuzzle a bit somewhere.

When his death glare appeared after the door opened in a powerful swing his eyebrows lifted immediately finding you on the other side.

He blinked, one of those sleepy blinks where somebody closes his eyes and then opens them really wide to make sure it is not made up in their brain, that one.

His eyebrows furrowed as he stared at you 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You should wash your mouth with holy water Sebastian” you said shaking your head raising your arms to show him some paper bags “I am bringing food and body shower”

He shook his head “Are you calling me stinky?”

“I am” You quickly replied moving past him into his place ignoring his groan.

He stood by the door slowly closing it, he was sure that old bitch was looking through her peephole, only then he stared at you try to make your way into the filthy kitchen. He was really embarrassed about his antics, but surely this time he exceeded some record.

“I am speechless Seb, I helped you with the moving and this place seems to have taken over you” you said as you knew he was in some rut when he kept such a long phone silence.

He was usually always texting, sending memes or one sentence texts.

You cared about him, deeply, you knew he was full of flaws and little quirks, but that’s what made him special. Nevertheless, you were worried about the state of the place, how it showed the way he let himself get dragged through the days. So he observed you, better to say, your back, the way you moved around opening the window to let fresh air inside, turning on a lamp to make some light that wasn’t just the blue one of the screen. Pulling out commodities and food from your magic bags like some sort of Mary Poppins of struggling writers. How you poured soap in the dirty load of dishes and pans, the way you marched securely to his desk to pick up that filthy mug and you frowned just sniffing at it.

“Is that poison?”

“Rat poison” he corrected you.

You shook your head as you cleaned a glass and filled it with water and among the groceries you pulled out a banana.

“Have this now, it will help” you said and he took the glass with one hand and the banana with the other like his brain was shut down.

He stared at you as you leaned your head slightly on side, he went through bad times after the break up but you had never seen him in such a helpless state.

He was chaotic but he always loved to keep up his appearance, to give that handsome and damned kind of vibe.

“Sebastian” you called him as his eyes spaced out and now where back on you “Are you alright?”

He observed you, he stared at your face like he was trying to recognise you, truth it was he kept pushing himself to say yes, say yes, say it is all good, make a joke, a remark, keep it up. You don’t need his burden, you don’t need to hate him like Elke and others do.

Just say yes.

“No” he said as his lips trembled and you watched his ironic mask fall right in front of you as he looked away hiding his tears, real tears, not the ones he can play out whenever he needs.

Just as quickly as you gave him the banana and the water you took them off his hands afraid he might hurt himself by dropping the glass in particular.

"Seb" you called his attention as he sobbed moving like a bird trying to hide his face against his own shoulder.

You took his now empty hands dragging him toward the couch and kicking off the pile of dirty clothes and discarded books on top of it to make him sit down with you.

"Talk to me"

He didn't, the man that was never out of words, even in the times he should have been, was now silent as a tombstone staring away from you as you gave a gentle squeeze to his hands. It pained you to see him in such a state.

So weak, so helpless like a lost child.

"I can't help you if you don't talk"

Sebastian shook his head still staring at the wall.

"You can't help me"

"Is it about writing? I can proof read you, it will be a moment"

He shook his head again making, hair bouncing from side to side.

"No, it is not important if I write or not"

You frowned at that comment.

"What the hell?" you just blurted out "Seb you're a talented writer, you're passionate, funny, witty, why shouldn't it be important?"

He looked up at you shaking his head "I can't write, I can't put together two sentences"

Your eyes travelled onto his side profile, truth to be told he looked worn out but he was still handsome like only Sebastian Zöllner could be. He had that chaotic charm, even with a wrinkled suit he was fearless, strong, poignant. You couldn't avoid him, he owned every place he stepped in and you could feel his gaze run through your bloodstream.

When he asks a question, he meant it, it was a test run into your bones and you loved every second of it.

His lips tightened as he diverted his gaze finally to you. You knew his relationship with Elke was important, he cared about others even if he didn't show it daily like most people do.

"Is it Elke?"

"No, she was just right"

"About what?"

He gulped, his throat dry as he pulled his bottom lip in his mouth grinding his teeth over it like playing something through that gesture.

"About me"

"Breakups are always shit, don't you even.."

"No Y/N" he interrupted you, he was serious, maybe his voice trembled but he wasn't lying or playing some role "I am really a lost cause, I mean look at his place"

His hand waved around the small flat like a drunk orchestra director.

"It is pure trash, I haven't finished unpacking, I didn't have food until you came, I am unable to look after myself, to look after the people that I care about. I worked so hard to be an artist and then I became a critic and now I am so knee deep into my own shit that I have more debts than entries, more failures than successes, more haters than friends"

He gulped down, the waterline of his eyes dangerously red and he sniffled up as he let out a little weak whisper "I just wish I could disappear"

"No"

It came out of you like a lighting bolt, it surged out of you before you could even elaborate. Like an order. A command.

"Seb, you're now in a rough patch of life, but you have always worked hard and well as a writer"

"I am a writer because I failed as an artist"

"You're a writer because you know of what you're talking about, because you're able to see the difference between marketing and passion, between hard work and laziness, because you respect that profession and it makes you the best critic"

"I just want to destroy them all because I am envious, Elke always said I am fuelled by my own envy”

"I have read pieces of yours only encouraging the rightful and bringing down the real frauds"

He shook his head as he was just fixating on the wrong, on the flaws, on the problems.

You huffed cupping his cheeks to force him to look at your eyes.

"Look at me" you said not admitting replies "you are talented in what you do, you are one of the best in your field and you're not on some big magazine only because they know they will have to put up with your shit: with the fact you always meet the people, you look at art pieces in presence, you touch them, you research the colours, you scrutinise everything to the bone"

He took your hands hating to be held like that but he squeezed them in his owns.

"And yes, you're allergic to ironing clothes and washing dishes is your personal nightmare, and yes, you give out many temper tantrums and have a terribly dark sense of humour, you are a failure at time and money management, you love filthy rich stuff and smoke like your life depends on it"

He stared at you, he listened quietly as you knew him from so long and many people, Elke included, wondered what you gained from helping him or just being around him that much. He often teased his ex about being jealous of you and she always said that it was like being jealous of a mortgage.

"So you agree?"

 "I agree to say you are flawed like all of us, that you are just the perfect balance to your writing, you're what you write. You're passionate, you give out the two hundred percent of what you can give, you are like this, you go all-in in everything you do, there's no compromise, no mid way, no foreseeable change of direction, you speed up into the darkness and don't look back. You are bold, you take risks, you let people hate you because you do not compromise with who is son of who or who is the director of what gallery, you judge people over their real qualities. Because you talk to them in their face, because you don't hide that yes, you want to be great, because you're handsome and charming and smart, nobody can outsmart you in your field, not even that idiot you hate that much"

"Golo Fucking Moser" he murmured

"Golo Fucking Moser" you repeated with a chuckle "you don't have anything to envy to him beside the bruises he probably has on his knees for bending down to anyone"

He chuckled at that comment.

"And also, you're more attractive, that pisses off Seb, it is unfair to the poor man”

He leaned his head on side as you wouldn't normally shower him in compliments, he had enough ego for that, but you had never seen him like this and you wished to never see him again in such a state.

"You find me attractive?"

"Well for sure you're an eye candy" you joked

"I mean it"

You rolled your eyes blushing a bit and huffing a chuckle "I do, alight? It is universal knowledge"

He looked at you as he still held your hands in his, his thumbs making soft shapes over the back of your hand.

"That I am attractive or that you find me attractive?"

You groaned looking away with an embarrassed giggle “okay, okay, I see you're back in yourself, let's eat now"

You moved to stand up but he didn't do the same remaining sat in his spot.

"Tell me"

"I pumped your self esteem enough, now let me go"

He chuckled softly, he never really thought you'd be interested. He usually shows off so many bad traits that he has to tone himself down and really try hard to attract someone. It is all an effort on his part to appear better or at least less quirky.

And then now look at you, appreciating even his shit show.

"Y/N" he murmured giving you a soft squeeze. You kept silent not daring now to meet his gaze. He bowed his head trying to reach for your eyes with his gaze and he looked up at you, a smile that wasn't provocative over his lips.

You pulled back yanking your wrists off his grip to move straight into the kitchen corner.

You begun pulling ut some fresh vegetables and bread, you also got some cheese knowing he loves it, wanting him to have a good dinner.

He followed you almost immediately and soon you found his arms grasping you once more in a hug, his chest pressed against your back, his forehead on your shoulder.

"Seb, you..."

"I know, I stink, just give me a moment" he said and you obliged him gently caressing his arms around you.

You hated to be in the friend zone, but you wouldn't be able to survive to lose him forever or to have him joke about it.

Now he was quiet, tender like a hurt pup.

"Thank you, you know you can count on me too, right? For anything” he said and you chuckled softly “I know, you’re my favourite avenger”

He nodded brushing his crisp beard against your cheek and after few minutes stuck in that hug he dropped a kiss on your neck "love you”

He pulled back giving you a smile as he picked the shower gel you left on the counter bringing it with himself to the bathroom with a soft hum.

You smiled a bit bitterly to yourself as you guessed it was meant in a friendly way, but today it was alright. You could endure it. Also that kiss, he always did it when he was drunk, at parties or in the taxi back home after a viewing. It was his cuddly way to say things without saying them, without rambling, and you appreciated that silent language. 

Maybe now he was drunk over his own feelings.

Just like you.

Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief @thesunflowersutra @zemomybeloved @fictionlandslanddreams @charistory @greeneyedblondie44 @apparrio @hb8301 @whatawildone @rhymerhymerhyme  @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl @obsidianlaszlo @alindeluce @zemosimp05 @baronesszemo-blackwood @nocapesdahling @everythingbeginsineternity-blog @archangelproperty

#sebastian zöllner #sebastian zöllner x y/n #sebastian zollner x y/n #sebastian zollner x reader #sebastian zöllner x you #sebastian zöllner x reader #sebastian zöllner headcanon #sebastian zollner #daniel brühl #daniel bruhl #daniel bruehl #ich und kaminski #ich und Kaminski fanfiction #tw: depression #tw: self deprecation

[lordymaru]

I'm about to refute this entire essay with the simple explanation being:

The only interaction we've seen of these two is when she's a freaking 8 year old. Your self insert shows no boundaries.

And this is probably the last time I'll make a post about the stupidity behind the way the pair is viewed:

Note: I know there's people out there with a brain who ship these two in a more conventional way. In the end you do you, ship whatever you want, no one can prevent you from doing that, just don't be gross about it.

One of the parts being the Significance of their first encounter:

She’s a poor peasant girl who’s suffered immense trauma, suffering, and loneliness. Her initiative to help Sesshomaru came from her generosity

Exactly, she's alone for her family had been killed before her eyes, the villagers treat her like garbage. When she meets Sess he's wounded and simply in a bad state, both mentally and physically. Both of them are, the difference being he's a demon, a powerful one and for him to have ended in such a bad shape only stabbed at his pride- Rin on the other hand is a child, a human tiny child who is vulnerable and to him she poses no threat. Both of them are weak then.

At this point, it’s observable that despite knowing her story, her scars, and her difficulties, humans do not even empathize, let alone sympathize with Rin. It is the feudal era, after all. She’s a young, disabled orphan and the villagers only see her for what she lacks: a voice, a family, and a place of belonging.

Again with your feudal era shit. I can assure you the world is just as ugly today as it was before you and I existed. Next.

When he asks about her bruises, this is the first time anyone had ever afforded her a second glance.

This was a huge step forward for Sess, a huuuuuuge one for he showed interest in another living creature, not just any creature but a human. And for her it was probably like Christmas, for no one had showed her any mercy or interest. Ok you get a point. But oh, boy, how I'm about to spit on the next one:

The audience can see Sesshomaru calculate her body language, recognizing that she is mute. Instead of pressing her further or ignoring her outright, he attempts to comfort her (in his own way), making her feel that it is okay if she chooses not to answer him; that her desire to reply to him should only be a desire, not an obligation. I think, on one hand, that was the first moment of something that would resemble compassion that Sesshomaru had ever administered, trying to put himself in her shoes — if someone had asked him to do something that required, for example, his left arm, he probably would have appreciated them saying “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to” so to provide him agency for something that he actually cannot do. And the same goes for Rin. He recognizes her disability, maybe even resonates with it and decides to empower her with a choice. Choice is important when it comes to the Sesshomaru/Rin dynamic and it’s a word that will come up often. 

Ok why are you comparing the loss of his arm to her not being able to talk? Not all disabilities are the same, you moron. Or am I dumb for thinking this way? If so, feel free to call me out on my lack of common sense kr whatever you wanna call it. Sess physically couldn't do shit with his left arm because well- it was gone! That's a physical disability. Rin had "lost" her voice after what she witnessed and so she wouldn't speak anymore. Have you heard of Psychogenic Dysphonia? If not, you can click here and give it a reading or do your own research. The more you know: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0892199703000158

So you say he "empowers her with a choice" that is "important when it comes to the Sesshomaru/Rin dynamic" let me get this straight, a choice because why? She's a child? A female? Because you said so yourself, it's the Feudal Era after all and therefore women had no choice in life, no voice, no agency, no nothing. So he was being magnanimous then? You know... This is where you start edging into the gr00ming territory. Can't you see? No? Alright, moving on.

BRUH WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you fucking good? See how you self insert? Bye. Next

The next time Sesshomaru sees Rin, it is suggested that he actively sought her, whether it be by curiosity or concern for well-being

He did... It is not suggested, he actually did asdfhkl. For both curiosity and he probably was worried. He also states he wants to test out his sword, what a perfect chance to do so for Rin is pretty much dead and that's the only way to make his sword work. So she was both being a guinea pig and an itch he wasn't quite sure how to scratch. Next.

Silence Rin.

Rin screams endlessly, annoying Sesshomaru. Firstly, this is the first time we hear him call her by her name. Secondly, Sesshomaru is visibly annoyed by her noises, however, he does not tell her to “shut up” as he normally would with Jaken or even InuYasha. He simply says “enough of that Rin, stop it.” (In Japanese he says, “Silence, Rin. You make too much noise.”) Even analyzing the Japanese dialogue, it is evidently softer than Sesshomaru’s usual ‘kisama’ (貴樣) manner of speech that we see depicted usually. This is the first time he’s had a companion who is not a demon, someone with compassion, and who has had his general best interests at heart with no expectations in return. His softer tone is a logical deduction to make.

Ok... "someone with compassion, and who has had his general best interests at heart with no expectations in return." Bruh... As if he would even consider meeting someone's expectations. Are you sure you're talking about Sess? Another thing is, he always speaks in a calm tone, he rarely yells or loses his composure- he had no reason to be rude to her either, you're excusing his regular behavior simply because she ain't Jaken. Anything else?

Rin doesn't change Sesshomaru overnight, it's a gradual and long process

Well duh!!! Just like you don't lose the pounds you gained from eating in one sit 12 donuts a week ago. Stating the obvious and for what? What's exactly your mf point?

The silence part is important, idk how to tell you there is a power imbalance in their relationship from the moment he tells her to be quiet. He didn't say please, he didn't ask her to, he told her to be quiet. Like a parent would, if I could count the times my mom told me to shush.... That's your first indicator he is not her friend, he is not her equal.

Letting you Be Yourself: The Panther Demon Arc

the first frame the audience sees in the anime sets the scene, painting the Sessshomaru entourage in a serene manner, indicating a level of comfort between group members (episode 75). This is vastly different from our last depiction of Sesshomaru and Rin’s relationship. In episode 44, he was unable to withstand her (albeit annoying) childish antics. But here, it’s observable that Sesshomaru can accept her and her package of unconventional fun. Not only does he tolerate and even more so, accept Rin, but he accepts her influence on his vassal, Jaken and allows them to be free around him.

Is called developing patience. I can assure you that when you're a parent or an older bro/sis and your kid/younger sibling is noisy af you either learn to tolerate that or get used to it for kids are kids abd you have to let them be kids. Next.

She's a child, she's not stupid.

The Abducted Rin: Calling her Name

The respect that Sesshomaru shows Rin is insurmountable. However, the InuYasha franchise is clever to portray the subtlety of Sesshomaru’s respect for her. KV on Twitter points out how highly he regards his companion and never relegates her to anything less than the value that she as a person embodies (@KVndie via Twitter). He consistently humanizes her. 

He only sees how important she is to him after her ass dies a second time. What do you mean? He respects her enough to not coddle her, she is independent and taught her to be self sufficient from the very start. That's respect. He consistently humanizes her because... She ... Is ... Human! OMG WHAT A SHOCKER!

As Naraku remarks on his hostage to Sesshomaru, "Naturally, the girl you're looking for is not here…,” he continues, “the girl is in custody outside of the castle..." Naraku never makes an attempt to give her personhood, leaving her unnamed, disposable, and relegating her to a mere "girl." But Sesshomaru doesn’t take any of this. He is a cold-hearted Daiyokai, yet he still makes an effort and upholds his principle to refer to her as Rin — not a replaceable “girl.”

Naraku is a mf genius. It didn't quite click until now he wanted to see if she was important or not to him and to what extent. For he planned his moves that way, making people turn against one another. While he wouldn't have made Rin turn against Sess he set everything up so he would end up wanting to kill Kohaku and in doing so, Inugang would have engaged against Sess.

Sesshomaru’s insistence on using Rin’s name isn’t only highlighted in this isolated incident though. It pays off. It is an ongoing theme in their dynamic throughout the series.

That's her name ... How you want him to call her? Baby?

I could go on and on but... This is a fucking essay. And then I stumble against more bullcrap:

The second point I want to highlight here is Sesshomaru’s reaction to Rin’s fall and her risky expedition. At this point, it’s unquestionable that Rin has a special place in his heart.

Of course she has a special spot in his heart. I won't deny that. What worries me is how you're trying to justify the way she's important to him since she was a child. As if his way of seeing her had changed.

I'm gonna disagree by agreeing with you in a few pointers. Kagome and Kikyo were rivals, they both romantically love the same guy. Kagome being the only one who could save Kikyo chooses to help her, knowing damn well Inuyasha would have suffered if Kikyo had died- further more, if it was in Kagome's hands to do something about it.

Rin on the other hand, I will applaud to her how she grew past her fear of Kagura after being kidnapped by her, she saw her body in the river and said fuck it and did her best to try to pull her from the water. I loved how stubborn and brave she was, even tho Sess had to pull everyone out of the water- she deserves a gold star. You go baby girl!!!

Rin later makes a cheeky comment, noting Kagura’s romantic interest in Sesshomaru. Jaken brushes this off as childish naivety. But for the spectator, this establishes two things: (1) That Rin does not see Kagura as a rival for Lord Sesshomaru’s attention, let alone affection; and (2) that Rin is still a child. Rin is certainly a child, with a youthful and fresh outlook on life that brings out the best in people. But even as a child, her relationship with Sesshomaru is incredibly healthy, clear, and surprisingly communicative.

Why would she? She's not a spoiled brat

Nah? I thought her double D indicated otherwise. OF COURSE SHE'S A MF CHILD.

Why do you keep mentioning is healthy? Do you need reassurance of it? Communicative in what way? Cuz if you wanna talk about communication let's talk about how he didn't even acknowledge her ass when she gave birth. He didn't even say her name, didn't even look at her. Tell me now how they are communicative and healthy?

I could go on, I really but all I'm getting from this load of bullshit I'm forcing myself to read is how you do in fact need to reassure yourself thr ship is god tier and is... How you said it was? Ah, healthy.

Anyways, thanks for reading and if you see any typo ... My apologies, I tried. Also if you have any input or I was out of line in some way, my apologies once more.

#anti sessrin #antisessrin #anti-sessrin

[olivieblake]

I have gained so much weight this year and just been so sluggish and lazy since all I’ve been doing is staying at home. I can’t even look in the mirror without crying and judging myself holy shit. I tried fixing it but my weight just keeps going up and it sucks watching other girls get their body right while i feel sorry for myself. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other girls especially our bodies but this is so hard 😭

:( hi honey

so look, I think you and I both know there’s not a lot anyone can say to make you feel better. idk if you’re still under strict stay-at-home orders like I am, but I’m going to assume that a lot of the change in behaviors that led to this sense of inadequacy is pandemic-influenced and therefore your options are limited, either by your own ethics (good for you for staying home!) or by something outside of your control. and girl, I feel you

before quarantine started I was taking boxing and muay thai classes four times a week plus two days of additional cardio, all of which kept my body in relatively excellent shape and also gave my mind a constant outlet—stress relief, endorphins, a sense of accomplishment, all that jazz that I’ve now lost. what’s funny to me (aka hideously ironic) is that I probably still thought I could stand to lose 5 pounds back then, even though now I’d do basically anything to have that body back.

anyway I know that discouraged, defeated feeling of looking at yourself and not recognizing your body anymore, but truthfully, your body has had to change its shape to accommodate your changing mind. if you’re anything like me, it’s not an issue of laziness. it’s that my mind is so fucking fragile that the last time I went for a run and got catcalled in a way that made me feel unsafe—AND I came across 2 dead rats and a dead possum which is just coincidentally upsetting—I was too shaken to attempt it again without crying. mr blake has been kind enough to suggest we go for a walk every morning together, which is very helpful, but not the same as the kind of workouts I was getting before. I feel so much resentment about my body, but I also know that there’s only so hard I can push before I break. I am unwell, and particularly so right now—loss of self-worth is a common symptom of depression, and whether you’re accustomed to feeling that, you almost certainly are right now.

also, I know that feeling fat equates to being literally worth less in this world, but that is useless social programming. the world hates a woman who takes up more space than she ought to! how dare she eat to please herself? how dare she forgive herself for being less active when the male gaze gains nothing for her clemency? if she is not sexually desirable, what use does she have to us? are all questions that should really only go so far. if it’s a matter of eating poorly (like, literal vitamins), I think you can find a way to nourish yourself better. if it’s a matter of being less willing to spend your time pushing your body to its physical limits, can you really blame yourself for that? you are going through trauma in a time of extreme global anxiety. many have died. the world is mourning except for those who pointedly aren’t, and the systemic flaws we might have ignored a little longer are making us feel more disenfranchised and raw. I know I hate myself a little more each time I’m like oh fuck my fucking calves are being squeezed into these jeans, but seriously, what good does my hating myself do for anyone? 

it is an act of defiance to like yourself. it is revolutionary to decide that gaining weight cannot take your value from you. you were born with that value and it is yours, so don’t let anyone—especially you—rob you of your right to see yourself beyond what shape you take. 

2 additional facts:

comparison is the thief of joy

social media is a performance

it’s so easy to forget that people curate their lives in a very particular way on social media. it’s easy to look at women who are in “better” shape than you and think okay, I must be the only one drowning. and yes, some people are being “open” about this time, but can anyone truly share the reality of their personal experience? nobody can express what they’re really going through on the mass stage of social media, even if they try to tell you. they’re still speaking from the lens of their experience, not yours, and comparing yourself to them is unlikely to equate to the value of taking solace in genuine friendship, love, or support. what you need is real people, real relationships, and though I know that is especially hard right now, I also know for sure that social media will only exacerbate your sense of inadequacy and/or loneliness.

I will probably talk about this more on monday, since I don’t really want to talk for long but we probably all need some kind of pep talk (honestly, me most of all). anyway I know this probably isn’t enough to make you feel better for the next month, but maybe for the next hour? I think we’re in a place where we should just take those moments of relief when we can find them... 

#olivie blake is not writing #big sistering #Anonymous

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi, it's the anon who broke up with that guy that went away! You told me to keep you updated and idk why but sending these messages to you make me feel better! :) Just wanted to say that I finally stopped communicating with him and I know this is like a big step and I felt good and free and super empowered the next 12 hours but now I'm kind of a mess and really miss him. I'm trying to talk more to my friends (with whom I stopped talking to and going out bc of him) and doing more things instead of just being sad and crying on my bed. Still, I get really sad and I have some mental illnesses so I'm thinking of reaching out to a therapist as well (I think you gave me an advice like that on the last ask). Idk why I get this feeling that if I send him a text everything will get better and he'll tell me he loves me even with all the horrible things he told me before I deleted his contact and this makes me feel a little dumb? He made it very clear that he doesn't think very highly of me so why should I still want him by my side when I know I'm a better person right now? I like me better now somehow even without him and I've never thought this could be possible.. Sometimes I'm just afraid he hates me bc I told him talking to him made me sad and I couldn't handle it anymore but I know it's a bit irrational. Maybe I'm just lonely? Anyway, I'm trying to be strong and not try to get his contact again so wish me luck! I'm really thankful for you and all the others who sent their thoughts <3 I really appreciate it

(referencing this post and this follow up post)

Hey Nonny!!

So glad to hear from you, and I am really sorry you’re having a rough go at the moment. It’s perfectly normal to miss someone who was in your life for so long, and then feel like you’re at fault for what happened. 

That said, I’m happy you’re going to try to reach out to your old friends you abandoned after getting with him, but please know that they may still be hurt by the event, so just extend the olive branch, be humble and admit your own fault (but not to the point of self-deprecation – just say “I know leaving you for him was selfish and wrong, and I hope you can forgive me) and leave it at that. Continue communication with your family, and PLEASE DO contact a therapist for a consultation at least: most will give you one for free, and let you know if you can benefit from further counselling. AND please know that if you do choose this route, that you MAY NOT find the right therapist right away, and it’s okay to “shop around” but give them at least two or three sessions. It won’t be a miracle cure, but having that unbiased party there will be beneficial: they’ll tell you how an outsider with all the details sees the situation, and provide you with steps to move forward. 

Finally: Why do you care if he hates you? Why do you want to put yourself back to square one when you’ve come so far? I know relapse and desire for nostalgia is a common thing in breakups, but as someone who has always been an outsider to these things, my first question is always “Why? You’re a much better person now than you were a month ago.” And this is true in your case, you even acknowledge it! So keep acknowledging it to yourself, stop pining for someone who has no interest in your happiness, and if he hates you, that’s HIS problem to deal with, not yours! Let him be a little piss-baby. I personally would relish in knowing that he’s annoyed and pissed off that I’m thriving WITHOUT him. 

Yes, it is loneliness, which brings us right back around to reaching out to your friends again, and even maybe some support groups and online friends. And again to the possibility of therapy.

Don’t give in to the temptation to contact him, and if he tries to contact you, either ignore him or say “no thank you, next”. You’re amazing and so strong, and it’s so nice to see how much better you’re getting as the months move on. You are so amazing, and keep doing what you’re doing, get that additional therapy to cope with the feelings of loss, and reach out to your former friends. You’ve still a long road ahead, but just keep moving forward and stay strong. 

Love you Nonny! You can do it! <3 We’re all here for you :)

#steph replies #i am not a professional #my advice #chatting with nonnies #life advice #relationships #nonny updates #Anonymous

[starblaster]

athenais lemaire :0

athenaïs lemaire (he/they/she) is something between a protagonist and narrative focus from a novel i workshopped about a year ago (and am presently in the process of turning into an audio drama podcast with the help of some friends because i think it would function really well and best serve its purpose as a story in the audio and transcript format)

to summarize, his story is inspired by. a lot of things. i took inspiration from pre-existing works like the little prince, doctor who, interstellar, the never-ending story (sort of), porco rosso (i’ll.. i can explain), orlando (the movie and book), and howl’s moving castle (just a little bit. for the vibes)... as well as things that weren’t really stories at all, but which my brain sort of took off and ran with like the voyager mission(s), the existence of the old ‘methuselah’ tree, the 52 hz whale, roy’s monologue from blade runner, a sort of ethereal humming sound that gives me frission chills (idk what else to call it—it can be heard in the first 33 seconds of “relic” by reeder... but honestly the entire album this song is found on has inspired me a lot as well), the hesitant feeling we all get when we have something precious and we don’t want to Use and Enjoy it because we fear we’ll ruin it or use it all up (a blank and brand new sketchbook or a vinyl record, for example).. and a question someone asked me once, when i was like 15 years old, what i would do if i got one chance to go back in time and change something that i thought might make the world a better place.. to which i answered: the burning of the library of alexandria.

his story is about accepting things that are temporary, embracing loss, and learning to live with a unique and cosmic loneliness that none of us could possibly imagine.

(i’m putting the rest of this under a readmore cut because it... got very long and wordy fjdklsf)

the story ‘begins’ chronologically in 1780s enlightenment-era france with athenaïs lemaire and two of their friends who have built a time machine. they are essentially anti-elitist outcasts from the academic community who have a lot to prove so they’ve decided they’re going to use this time machine (which is, due to the nature of its components, not really built to last and is absolutely going to be a one-time trip) to go back in time and save the library of alexandria. the mission can only take one person. they draw lots and athenaïs gets the shortest stick. he knows it’ll be a very arduous mission to take on but in his mind it’s worth so much more than just himself so he’s willing to risk. just about everything. to see that the library of alexandria is saved.

i won’t get into details because i don’t really have certain things about the logistics re: granular historical details figured out yet—it was in lots of my workshop notes because i skipped over it entirely and i just know i need to do some more research to get things squared away before i write the episodes that will be spent delving into athenaïs’ backstory—but, in short, it works! the plan really does work. he’s able to salvage a wealth of documents and artifacts from the would-be-torched library alexandria. but time freezes and everything stops; the entire universe pauses as minerva/athena (she specifies that she does not really have a name, but that is the name the greeks and romans have given her) tells athenaïs she can’t let that information stay on earth. it wasn’t meant to survive into the coming era.

but she cuts a deal with him and really sweetens the pot—tells him she’ll give ‘his’ ship (which jkfld he stole or ‘borrowed’ from a roman merchant depending on how you want to phrase it) some generous enchantments: flying power? check. breathable atmosphere on deck and in the rigging? check. tardis logic cargo hold that can store an almost endless number of things like a museum of infinity? check... and she will grant him ‘immortality’—aka a lifespan of suspended age (to help him travel light years) that is so exceedingly long that he will no doubt witness the heat death of the universe - and though he can still certainly sustain injuries, even extreme and otherwise fatal wounds, he will heal from them given enough time and rest and this is. sort of his curse. think like. jack harkness from doctor who... and he will be granted these two things if he agrees to live in exile from earth and never return. if he wants to save all that knowledge and information, he has to take it elsewhere. he has to go share it with other alien cultures and maybe, along the way, help some space aliens defend their right to universal knowledge on their own home worlds (kind of borrowing from the little prince with the episodic planet-to-planet kind of structure). and so he does that. he does that alone for a really, really long time.

and then a stowaway finds their way onboard the novice.. and i have yet to give the stowaway a name but also wonder.. if they need one? i think they will canonically have a name that is just. secret. the stowaway sort of becomes athenaïs’ gateway into lots of complex emotions regarding his immortality, the responsibility of duty he manufactured for himself to basically be a space-traveling curator/archivist of sorts. he’s not used to having friends (let alone friends that are as close as family) after centuries of loneliness wherein his only company was the ship (which is absolutely alive, in a way) like. a large part of his character arc is unlearning the nihilism with regards to himself and his immortal body that he's adopted over the centuries. like, sure, he has motive and drive to go around collecting artifacts and such to share cultural knowledge with the people of the universe but he’s never had a crew to speak of before now.

and i’m currently getting a little emotional over a conversation i write the "alien cleric” (still no name yet because i am a fool with nonsensical priorities when writing things lmao) as having with him (in summary) like, "yeah, captain, you're going to outlive us. you're going to outlive all of us, but that shouldn't mean that you turn the crew away out of fear. you've got to accept that nothing lasts forever. in fact, some things don't last very long at all. you can't preserve everything. they're not artifacts you just have to learn how to get the most out of their company and their love while they're here with us, and keep them in your memory long after they're gone." they spend so much of their immortal life just trying to save things and keep them safe forever. and they're often a little reckless because he knows he only really has to 'worry' about the novice (because the ship can absolutely still be damaged) but once other people start figuring into the equation it's like. ok now hold on, i have to take care of myself? because it will hurt these people—who have formed a bonded attachment to me—to see me in pain? oh no. oh lord. oh fuck.

athenaïs has had a very lonely life! he’s sort of a sisyphean archetype character but becomes less alone over the course of his whole story via found family. thinking about it in depth, though, makes him very tempted to push crew members away (because.. ouch! he's getting attached), or put mental ultimatums on when he should tell them to think about leaving his crew because he doesn't want to see himself outlive them. he wants to save them like he saves artifacts and manuscripts & like he rescues them from being lost or damaged or aging. but you can't preserve your friends like artifacts, athy </3 i'm sorry mate. he feels a sense of responsibility for what he's doing and believes he needs to keep doing it because he made a promise to himself and also to the literal goddess who gave him an immortal life long enough to survive near-endless light years’ worth of travel, etc, etc.... but also hates how much of a curse it is.

like it really tears athenaïs up inside thinking about how the plan he and his colleagues came up with worked and he was so close to making that dream of a better world into a reality. feeling like he wasted a perfectly good once-in-a-lifetime trip into the past to fix something. and how he simultaneously feels such regret because nothing will have changed on earth, he didn't really save anything for humanity's future, he just took it with him. feeling like he did it all for nothing but sometimes being reminded that he can still share the things he's collected from alien worlds and documented to spread to other alien worlds & share with the rest of the universe and that actually he is helping. he just. sometimes forgets this. forgets that earth wasn't capital-e Everything, just a small world in a really big universe that he happened to come from and can never return to. hell, by the time the stowaway has found themself aboard the novice, it already contains far more alien textbooks and manuscripts and artifacts than it does earth-things.

also hi if you read all this... 🤍 i hope you’re having a really fantastic day right now. thanks for sticking with me, i’m thinking constantly about this story right now because i’m in the process of turning it into an audio drama with the help of some friends, as i said at the beginning of this post, and i just love talking about it. i’m sad i can’t provide spoilers for some big plot-relevant things that have to do with athy’s character and his development but i’ll keep them to myself because i definitely don’t want to ruin any surprises :’)

#athenaïs tag #athenais tag #dairy.txt #long post #anons #ocs tag

[professorspork]

I was going thru the frozen tag n thinking about all the things this is to me. Me my sister, her mental illness our pushing the other away, our confusion and all our loneliness. And all my longing, for more friends for more time for more connection and all this movie is in unwavering hope, and rebounds after loss and REBUILDING. And Love. And love. And going thru ur frozen tag, reading more takes. Making this movie MORE to me than it already was(which is: all the world) —cont

But also im still deeply reeling from the sequel. Which, while it has great great parts. Kind of feels like a rug being pulled out from underneath the healing of the first movie. Which. Cause this is my comfort movie. I’m kinda taking it hard. Idk. I just needed to share this. Separation anxiety and idk.. fear that eventually I won’t be enough for people around me and they’ll go other ways. I just. I’m too lonely for the *reconciliation* movie to turn to be abt still needing more

You said it was alright to post publicly, so here goes:

I can't tell you how moved I am that you'd come to me with this. I have a lot of things to say, and I think ultimately very little of it has much to do with Frozen 2--though I'll get around to that, so just flagging to everyone that the Read More is there for spoilers as well as length.

I'm not sure that everything that I have to say will resonate, so please feel free to take what helps and leave aside what doesn't. Know that every word is meant with all the tenderness in my heart. I ache over what you're going through, because it's as real a feeling as any of us will ever encounter.

First, I want to say that I've stood where you're standing--many, many times. The series finales of How I Met Your Mother, Warehouse 13 and Pitch felt like such slaps in the face I have never to this day been able to muster up the same love for the hours upon hours worth of episodes that preceded them, no matter how much they once meant to me. And just a few months ago, Endgame ripped my fucking heart out, tbh.

I could write a whole essay about the similarities between Steve and Bucky and Elsa and Anna, but luckily I don't have to because a bunch of my favorite people have gamed that out extensively. But the things you talk about, about how the most important things from the first movie-- the miracle of these two people finding each other and choosing each other after so much time apart, and how much that meant to you--I relate to that so deeply. And I can see how, in the face of that, the fact that after everything Anna and Elsa take steps in different directions, away from one another, can feel like the most cutting betrayal. I want you to know that I understand that, and that you don't have to justify that feeling to anybody, or apologize for it. It's not a childish reaction, nor are these childish notions. Learning how to be in the world and how to value others and be valued in return is what we turn to fiction for. We see us; we learn how to be an us. So like. If you take nothing else away from this, please know that. I feel you, buddy. I hear you. And you may feel lonely, but you're not alone.

I wish I had advice for you on how to get to the other side of these emotions. If you can, I hope you can talk to your sister about how you're feeling--and if not, to other family members or friends. (I also don't know if it's an option for you, but I can say from experience that therapy was super helpful for me in sorting through my own expectations for myself and the world around me and how to cope when I couldn't make them match up.) We're strangers, you and I, so I can't be as specific or as helpful to you as I'd like. I don't know you very well.

I do, however, feel like I know Anna and Elsa. And maybe talking that part out a bit might show you a facet that makes this a bit easier to swallow. (And it's fine if it doesn't! Feel free to take with many grains of salt, or to not take at all.)

I think something that's important to remember is that, before her coronation, Elsa hadn't left her house--had barely left her room--in over a decade. She wasn't just estranged from Anna, she was estranged from the whole world, and from all of the experiences that being in the world entails. When we catch up with them at the start of Frozen 2, she's had three years of a mended, tight-knit relationship with Anna. But whether it's through the responsibilities of being Queen or her own doubts, she hasn't built that bridge any further than her immediate circle--Anna, Kristoff, Olaf and Sven. When she sings "Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls," to me that tells me everything I need to know. They've opened the doors, but only just long enough for Anna to step in. They're still not confident enough to leave the castle that was a cage for both of them for so many years until they're forced to.

And when they are forced to, they learn that they have duties to other people outside of their immediate family. Not duties in the royal sense, but in the moral, ethical, "what we owe each other" sense. They learn that community means acts of loving service, to others and to yourself. Your mileage may vary, but I don't read the sisters' decisions as pulling the rug out from under their healing. To me, it's building upon that healing and sharing it with others. They're now secure enough in each other, in that bubble of love and safety that they created, that they can start to expand it. They can take the tools they developed to repair themselves and each other, and use them to repair the whole world. It's not that they're not enough for each other--it's that they realize they're overflowing with it. They have so much to give it has to carry on and out to everyone around them.

Or, to put it another way--just because Anna and Elsa are moving in different directions when we leave them at the end of Frozen 2, doesn't mean they're on different paths. No matter where they go in the world, they'll always find their way back to each other. And in the meantime, they walk together even when they're apart, because each carries the other with them. You know? To me, it’s not an “or.” It’s an “and.”

#i hope this helps #i'll be thinking of you #i am not an Authority #nor am I a mental health professional #but i can certainly hear you and give you a platform to grieve a bit #frozen 2 #frozen 2 spoilers #frozen #ashesandmint

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

#bpd #harry potter #Hermione granger #Emma watson #cassie ainsworth #skins #gameofthrones #got #antigot #DaenerysTargaryen #daenerys targaryen #emilia clarke

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

#2018 #OMFG MESSSSS of a year.. #and i acted so embarrassingly sigh but that was 2018

[flowisk]

@necromin Thanks for the asks still Flowey

Why I like them

Oh... Asriel is a character who was practically written for me. I remember I fell in love with him from the very first demo of the game. He’s just this... person who looks like ‘there is no way to save him’ in a game that operates off the premise off ‘not having to kill anyone’. He is a codependent traumatized kid stuck in a loop, and I think his... desperation, especially in No Mercy, and how much... love he is brimming full of is... It’s funny because even when he ‘lacks’ love, you can see how much he cared/cares about Chara and his desperate loyalty and his willingness to go along with anyone and dependency. I felt the reveal of who he was, was just... so satisfying because with every layer unraveled around him I just grew to love him more and more. He’s kind of my dream come true... this dissociative little kid who’s presented so ‘maliciously’ and who is a ‘fake smiler’ and feels empty inside but who is truly this person worth being saved, who is... brutally sad in nature. Just... this incredible painful narrative of loss from someone who... desperately had one person to rely on. Also like... I just love this Bad Kid. Like... these two kids? Two little kids saying to each other ‘Creatures like us are so rotten, we wouldn’t hesitate to kill or betray each other’ and yet despite him saying this, you can tell Flowey has the utmost loyalty to Chara. Even though he SAYS this, the one loyalty he still has... is to Chara. Even the mere belief they could be around, regardless of any killing they do, overturns his grown apathy. His goal is never quite the same as theirs, but he would go along with any goal that makes them happy as long as he is by their side and they still think well of him. It’s this amazing... contrast that... says so much about Flowey as a character, and how he must have gotten to this point. As soon as Chara is there, you can see chips of the facade break away. This was built up to impress Chara, because he felt he was wrong and they were right and ironically when he is with them he can’t help but be a bit softer in contrast.

Why I don’t

Ugh, sometimes I’m frustrated by the soulless explanation. He just seems ND to me. Lately I’ve seen something that treated ‘soullessness’ as a sort of neurodivergence in itself, and that was compelling to me. But really I’m not fan of the ‘doesn’t have a soul’ bit because so many fans use it to be lazy and separate Flowey and Asriel as characters completely.

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

Oh... The end of the fight with Omega Flowey. And... his hallway talk with Chara in the No Mercy run, right before the protag gets to Asgore.

Favorite season/movie

Not applicable.

Favorite line

“It doesn’t matter now. I’m so tired of this, Chara. I’m tired of all these places. I’m tired of all these people. I’m tired of being a flower. Chara. There’s just one thing left I want to do. Let’s finish what we started. Let’s free everyone. Then let them see what the world is REALLY LIKE. That despite it all, this world is still ‘kill or be killed’. Then....? Well. I had been... entertaining a few ways to use that power. Hee hee hee... .... But seeing you here changed my mind. Chara... I think if you’re around... Just living in the surface world doesn’t seem so bad.” ^ This whole speech is what destroys me and no one does anything with this speech no one ever draws any lines from it except maybe ‘kill or be killed’ in variations I’m just. This speech DECIMATES me. “Why am I telling you all this? ...Chara I’ve said it before. Even after all this time, you’re the only one who understands me.” “I didn’t want to live in a world without love. In a world without you.” “I'm not ready for this to end. I'm not ready for you to leave. I'm not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again... So, please... Stop doing this... AND JUST LET ME WIN!!! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!!! Chara... I'm so alone, Chara... I'm so afraid, Chara... Chara... I... I...” “Why are you being... so nice to me?”

Favorite outfit

I like that time he dressed up as a goat boy with a yellow and green sweater.

OTP

Chariskriel, Chariel, Friskriel

Brotp

Flowey+Papyrus

Head Canon

Oh hey it’s BPD boy. I could actually write a meta about this. I could write an essay about all the ways he demonstrates characteristics of BPD, down to Chara being his FP, his abandonment issues, his chronic emptiness, etc etc, and his rapidly circulating impulsive emotions Mains Reaper in Overwatch. I like to headcanon him as honestly... suffering through PTSD/dissociation or the monster equivalent thereof once he gets into his little flower body. Just his chronic feelings of emptiness, loaded with the fact he... literally can’t die. I mean, he CAN but suicide is a hard enough option when even flinching or having a last second doubt will cause you to still live. Chose his gender identity, in a way that actually physically effects his magic dusty body, because monsters are magic. Mama’s boy. Think this because he has that line, after visiting Asgore about how ‘not even SHE (toriel) could fix what was wrong with me’.  A lot of people suggest that the first person he killed was someone close to him. But I’m willing to bet it was someone he didn’t know that well, and that he reset right after. I think it took a long time for Asriel to feel ‘liberated’ or ‘capable’ or ‘like there were no permanent consequences’ to killing, and then it just wore away until there were 0. I am sure he wishes he could reset to before him and Chara’s plan like, every day, and that though pops up in his mind every day too. (We already know he spends a lot of time calling for Chara.... “Did you hear me calling you?”)

Unpopular opinion

He’s just Asriel in a flower body. ...And I will admit, I do think he shows symptoms of abuse. I don’t think Chara intended to hurt their best friend or was intentionally manipulative but I do think they coerced him into a few things and forced his hand. Also a lot of the things Asriel says like... definitely imply those two were bad kids or occasionally did very bad things. I don’t think Asriel himself was 100% sweetness and goodness even before all the trauma. I just think you’re seeing him at a really vulnerable point where he wants to be sweet and good and leave a nice final impression. A sad breakdown where someone makes a few realizations is not the same as day to day life, and I think Asriel’s characteristics as Flowey are better for determining his character than his final speech at the end. A loquacious, mischievous brat who I love. Also like, ‘hellflower Flower’ and ‘sweet good innocent goat child’ are the two most bland and most common ways to write his character. Also honestly? I feel a lot of people pin Flowey as the ultimate evil of the game (and often drop that he’s Asriel when thinking of him in this way but...) what Flowey does is ‘what a gamer’ does. His actions are not that bad because he knows there are no consequences to them, much the same way someone playing a game knows. And I don’t just mean in a ‘no repercussions for him’ way. He also knows, that if he goes back, the dead won’t stay dead. Also people need to let Asriel have his ‘Chara wasn’t the greatest person speech’. Everyone’s always trying to act like Asriel is a dick for it, but that speech in itself does imply Asriel had a hard time looking at Chara’s flaws. Unfortunately the audience is even worse than Asriel about this, so Asriel can’t even have his two minute speech where he is able to admit to himself Chara wasn’t always right and he wasn’t always treated well.

A wish

I used to wish all the time that there would be a DLC where you could actually save Flowey but that dream is dead. Sometimes I still hope the next game Toby is working on will touch on him in some way but I kinda doubt it

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

The worst possible has happened to him. Guess it could be worse but it’s still pretty sad. No Mercy route is my ‘oh god please dont ever happen’

5 words to best describe them

Mischievous, codependent, troubled, empty, tragic

My nickname for them

Asriel. Az, Azzy

x

Toriel

Why I like them

Interesting? I feel like she’s this caregiver who loves children and is given some complexity beyond that. Like Lisa’s Terry, they take a ‘tutorial’ character and make them an emotional centre of the game. It’s like... this character who is normally set up to impede you in some way in both games. And while embodying the handholding of a tutorial, Toriel is someone who you don’t want to speed by or treat callously even though she is set up to be what is ‘frustrating’ in a game. Many people who first play have a hard time leaving her behind, it’s this interesting? Not sure if subversion is the word, but it’s definitely an interesting way to play with the concept of the tutorial and have it be an active and emotional part of the story.

Why I don’t

I wish we’d been able to have a bit more of an ongoing dialogue with her or check up on her at some points. I really wish that we’d been able to dig into her a bit more deeply or see her thoughts on a few things... 

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

Her final confrontation with Frisk is my favourite part, right before they leave the ruins. After that it’s her running into Sans and being able to have a nice meeting with someone she’s known for a long time but never met proper. It’s nice to see them both get a chance to be a little goofy and happy.

Favorite season/movie

Not applicable.

Favorite line

“It would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this. My expectations... My loneliness... My fear... For you, my child... I will put them aside.” “Pathetic, is it not? I can’t even save the life of a single child.”

Favorite outfit

The purple one.

OTP

I like Soriel. I honestly just felt they had something? (also the game... literally implies such) They’re both these lonely people, and idk... part of the reason I do like romantic soriel is because I dislike a lot of the vibe of.... ‘Toriel’s divorced and had a family break apart, so she must always stay a divorced sad mother who is untouched from all other relationships’ I’m good with their relationship in all capacities, but the way people act about the kind of flirty dialogue at the end being this big TABOO just strikes me as off.

Brotp

On that thread, soriel. I totally dig interpretations where they are throwing wine parties with each other. In a few neutral ends the two end up living together which is interesting to me, I feel like that’s a mostly unexplored topic. Though I guess that topic is a bit bittersweet. I feel exploring them as platonic or close in different ways is interesting too

Head Canon

- It was a long time before she was able to make snail pies, butterscotch pies, after her children died and she left Asgore. For awhile she lived on the Underground’s fast food equivalent because she couldn’t find the energy to cook anymore. It had been zapped out of her. - When the first child fell down it ignited this chamber inside of her and it was the first time she’d been able to cook in awhile.  - She’s better at being active when there’s people to do things FOR, and struggles with doing things for herself - Since she’s a little monster made of dust, there was probably a lot of her childhood where she maybe wasn’t quite sure what to settle as gender wise and she really got into the concept of femininity in her teens and became very confident using she/her then

Unpopular opinion

The framing of a lot of arguments against Toriel dating bother me. If she wants to date, let her. Also I feel like Toriel can’t EVER win! People are either like... she didn’t do enough to prevent children from leaving the ruins or ‘she’s kidnapping children and restricting their freedom!’ (despite the fact we know she was never able to keep ANY of them for very long) I even literally saw a post recently that suggested part of the reason Chara was upset in the underground was because Toriel prevented them from leaving the ruins which is like? No? It’s made super obvious that’s a reaction Toriel has to kids dying in the underground. Also. It’s great to have nuanced views on Asgore, but any argument that goes ‘Toriel hiding away from the responsibility of keeping Asgore from killing kids is just as bad as , idk, killing kids’ has a rotten argument. Both of them made mistakes. Maybe part of it is a bias on my end that if Tori, with her sharp personality, had been a child murderer and Asgore had retained his soft nature and had been too sad and lonely to stop her, I just don’t feel the same criticisms would be being made. But who knows!

A wish

That she’s happy forever after and is a great teacher and adopts other kids and has good things happen to her and restores her relationship with her son (Flowey)

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

Idk, bad things have already happened to her. I’m not fond of her and Asgore getting back together (I think it’s for the best they split ways and heal on their own for a bit) but I’m not like Oh God No or anything.

5 words to best describe them

Dutiful, caregiver, grieving, punny, lonely

My nickname for them

Tori

#replies #necromin #thank u sweet ducks #a chance to ramble

[aristarshower]

Questions tag

@dragonscanbeplantstoo tagged me in two versions of the 10/11 question tag so I’m gonna answer the 21 questions at once and put them under a cut so I don’t clutter everyone’s tl!

Thank you so much for tagging me!!!!!

1. What’s one genre you really love the idea of, but are disappointed when you go to read/watch it?

Fantasy. I’m just so tired of the misogyny, racism and homophobia. So fuckinh tired.

2. Feelings about fire in general? (where my fellow pyros?)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.

3. Which of your OCs is the kinkiest?

oh boi. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don’t know????????? My stories don’t have a lot of romance or smut in them?(Not against either in other’s stories I’m just not good at storylines involving romance?)

4. What is the one thing you most want a fan to say someday?

idk I’m pleased by the smallest things. Just an I love your stories is more than enough for me. But what I truly want is the insanely detailed meta that fandoms produce like wow never planned that but thats neat kind of meta you know?

5. Which OC do you think readers will like the most?

Kai i think? ik everyone will hate aux cause she is a confident female character. But I’ve seen people fall in love with kai so easily lmao.

6. Were your OCs born naturally, with pharmaceutical assistance, or via c section?

I’m not sure if you are asking in canon or if this is some kind of metaphor?

But in canon, kai was natural. 

Fun side note tho: I have a whole world (it’s in the ideas folder for now. I haven’t written anything for it I think.) in which the difference between c-sections and natural births are really important and kind of form the basics of world building and the magic an individual can have.

7. What is the single emotion that is the absolute hardest for you to write? (loneliness, loss, hopelessness, joy, etc)

uhhh hopelessness is the hardest cause it hits me hard. But actually writing it is easy cause I feel it so much?

8. If your OC were a cookie, what sort of cookie would they be?

Kai would be oatmeal chocolate chip cookie

9. How important do you think it is to describe a character’s appearance?

I tend to go  under than over with physical descriptions. But that changes with the POV. Kai files away important info especially strength and societal position and hidden weapons because of his past. But Sacrus on the other hand is attracted to the shiniest part of a person(as in the most attractive like a brilliant smile or pretty hair or twinkling eyes) because his artist brain is already figuring out how to put it on paper.

10. And, spitballing off that, which OC do you think is the prettiest?

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm they are all pretty in their own ways but the thing is none of them are conventionally(read euro centric) beautiful. 

I’m putting the other 11 questions under the cut!

What cable news channel does your favorite OC turn to for information when something dramatic happens?

no cable in fantasy land. we have vampire telepathy tho.

One of your OCs is on an impromptu road trip and stops at a gas station in the middle of the night to pee and grab something to eat. They pick a drink, a salty snack, and a sweet snack. What are they?

kai would go for blood obviously, he wouldn’t really pick something salty unless he is in pain because salt is a vampire painkiller in my verse, he would totally go for cakes tho(sweet tooth idiot) preferably something blood flavored.

Your absolute most evil OC is startled by a toaster popping. What happens next?

the evilest of my ocs is an otherwordly eldritch horror that sucks life magic and color out of the world so uhh it would probably destroy the toaster?

Your sweetest OC goes up to the McDonald’s counter to get their order only to discover that after twenty minutes of waiting, the order is wrong, and this is the third time this has happened today. What happens next?

I don’t really have sweet ocs tbh but the closest is sel who would just accept his fate and drink the wrong drink. He would probably tip them too. But if it happens to someone he loves the barista would probs get a strong talking to and the drink returned(he would compensate with a bigger tip tho).

One of your OCs is in a Disney animated movie. What’s the “big” song of that movie? (Pocahontas’ was “colors of the wind,” Aladdin was “a whole new world,” Hercules was “zero to hero” etc.

None of them are straight enough to be in disney movies but kai would probs be let it go(sorry but it kind of fits him?)

Do you think having to write while stuck out in the wilderness by yourself (in a heated cabin, food and water but no wifi, tv, or phone service) would help or hurt?

help probably? unless i get terrified. For someone who loves isolation I sure am a wuss.

But not having wifi might hurt cause sometimes i get fixated on one little detail and it would help to just get it out of my system(like naming a character or some fact) by just looking it up.

You have written or thought about writing dirty fanfiction. What is it?

I used to be a fic writer lmao. I deleted everything so eh. I’m not gonna go into details tho.

Someone offers you thirty million dollars to ghostwrite a book about how Hell is real and all dogs go there, good or bad. Do you do it?

uhhhhhh yes? what kind of question is this? Do you know how many dogs I can have with 30 million dollars?????

You will automatically get a million dollar contract for anything you write, but it has to be at least five thousand words long AND you can only use as many letters of the alphabet as complete pullups you can do. How does that work out?

I’ve never done one(1) pull up in my entire life. How dare you?

Your dog turns into a person and writes a book about your lives together, and it gets turned into a movie. During the premiere of the movie, your dog turns to you and tells you that Hell is a place of our own making. What kind of popcorn do you order?

classic salted. maybe butter and salted if im feeling wild.(we dont really get a lot of options for popcorn in movies here? its usually just salted and maybe caramel? i dont like sweets oops)

What’s a genre of fiction you don’t think you’d ever get the hang of writing?

romance or horror? romance is a really hard genre to write tbh. (for me). I have mad respect for romance writers. Horror is a no cause im a wuss.

#about me #about wips #about kaiden #about kai #about destiny #sacrus is from destiny #my writing #tag game

[in-paradox-space]

when I'm high I'm able to realize nothing matters so I shouldn't worry about it. Shit doesn't always have to be bad, I can find happiness. 

its been a long week and i have thoughts to purge.

When I'm not high I think about how everything is meaningless. We're tirelessly destroying the planet (probably) to keep our lives and expansion going but none of it matters. I am sad, empty and can't find reasons to be happy.

 I think about a girl who I've only met twice in my life. She's not my type... If I even have a type. It hurts how much I want to be with her. I've stopped trying to make sense of it. I'm trying to ignore my feelings. Hoping one day the pain will stop. I'd go through so much pain if I knew I was guaranteed time with her at the end of it though. I spoke about her in September...

 During my huge one week MDMA comedown which made me want to quit everything for good. It took a few weeks but I got over her. She was on my mind every second though. I couldn't make sense of it as I only met her once. I put it down to being very low after taking so much drugs and the fact that I literally never hang out with girls.

 I put it down to that this time as well. 3 or 4 months later I got to meet her again. Last week, I went into town with two other friends. We met up with her there. I did coke for the first time that night too. Friday, December 15 2017 and the early hours the next day. I did coke. I almost got off with a 35 year old woman but my friends were there to stop me. We went to the girls house that night too. I sort of cuddled her while she slept but I was wide awake.

 It was awkward but I was taking in the moment. The other two friends were in the same bed too. It was awkward. They was telling me to cuddle her. I would've never made that move myself. It felt like an arranged marraige. It was awkward because I knew she probably didn’t want me there but she kept saying its alright I can hold her. 

 In the end I just sat by myself, on my phone, wide awake, almost the last of my cough syrup, cocaine and too much booze slurring my mind left to right, while the others slept. We left at 10amish, went back to my friends house.

 Last night. Two days ago. Wednesday. The girl and those two friends went into town again, but I was at my dads place so I didn't come along. Real shit if I knew she was there I might have just got a train that day. Maybe it was best I didn't. So my good bro, uhhhhh they all did MD, not a lot but they blacked out because they was drinking.

I need to stop going into so much detail here. I just feel like I'll read back on these in a few years and I don't want to forget. Why does it matter though?

Well, the girl I like said that my bro was making moves on her and probably fucked her that night. His gf was there too. Nobody remembers so nobody is really viable here.

(switching from mobile to PC typing here)

The girl seems to remember¿

well I think my friend and his gf are probably gonna break up for good. My friends pretty unstable right now.

I was planning on spending a nice night with a different friend, who would never get himself into this kind of mess, he's having a lot of people round and I wanted to be there.

I'm probably gonna be in a hospital waiting room with my friend the whole night though. Being alone right now can't be good for him. Being alone is painful for me right now. I used to like it.

so how do i feel about this?

a little imbalanced. a lot of different feelings.

I slept a full day after the coce. 

I came down hard. My liver has been having some problems so I’m stopping drinking for good. 

Had a funeral on the Monday. My grandmothers.

It’s sad to see her go. 

It was a hopeful funeral though. A lot of tears but she knew how to turn a bad thing into a good thing. There was that feeling there. Surrounded by good family with good intentions and bad pasts.

Went to my fathers, on the other side of the country, later that day. 

I’ve been so depressed there. In that wintery void. 

I’ve been getting fevers and illnesses, likely from my liver. Nausea, fatigue, headaches, loss of appetite, unfortunately no weight loss (typical). 

I had way too much of being isolated and alone on wednesday.

I came back yesterday. Was so depressed in the morning but I saw my friends. Had two joints with my bro which I mentioned before. I very rarely smoke weed. It was cool. I felt great.

Then the drama unfolded. My friend and his gf started arguing like fucking crazy. I was sat there for two hours extremely stoned and panicked by the screaming. I wanted to leave. His gf was telling me not to. Partly out of an awkward politeness, partly because she didn’t want my bro to be alone after the breakup because he’s usually unstable after they argue.

I left, went home, there was no electricity. Had to wait until today until I got more. Just slept in the dark.

I’ve been doing nofap for the past 3 weeks. Dying of liver failure (exaggeration) has made it easier because I really don’t have much libido. 

I keep having wet dreams though. It’s common when you don’t fap, you just kinda let loose in your dreams. 

They’re really inconvenient though because I have to change my underwear and shower. 

I usually wear the same underwear for 3 days until I shower. 

I wash my clothes like once every 2 weeks. 

I had to wear an old pair of underwear last night. 

A lot of people do but nobody ever really talks about it. 

Now. Friday.

A lot went down in the past week. 

 I’ve been thinking about that girl every minute of the past week. Really fucking sad because I don’t have her. 

There’s nothing going on in my life really. 

I’m not making it out like that isn’t my fault for not actively making sure I have something to occupy me. That’s just how it is.

I’m gonna find work next year so I’m occupying myself with something, getting outside. This sad, empty loneliness is too much. 

The fact that being around one girl for one night makes me think of her for the weeks ahead is just an eyeopener

I really need to get out more

I need to interact with more people 

obviously I don’t really feel for that girl and no other girl

its just the fact that I was with her that night, along with the fact my serotonin is low and looking for a pick me up after the drugs and I have no other females on my mind to turn to

i have female friends yes but not IRL, I don’t really get feelings for them

So

I’m sick of the sadness. 

I want to stop drugs. I have stopped codeine. I really have. I have no way to get more codeine other than CWE cocodomol pills which can be laborious to supply. 

I haven’t touched it in weeks, other than 3 days where I kept overdosing just to feel high, the 3 days before the 15th.

I stopped for a week before then, went through the physical withdrawal. 

I gave all the pills to my friend. They’re too expensive to just flush and I want to take them to America because people there appreciate it for more than just a painkiller.

This lifestyle.

It’s harming me in so many ways.

I want to find real sources of happiness. Not short  term fixes. 

I want to find my rat park. 

During the sadness and isolation from friends (my dads place) I just wanted to be high

I just 

I was so sad

I rarely smoke weed but I smoked it yesterday

because I wanted to remember what it was like when the sadness didn’t hurt or disconnect you.

It doesn’t hurt as much today as I’m not as under-stimulated.

I want to repair my liver. I’ve always had liver problems but I didn’t realize how seriously it was getting until recently.

The heavy drinking and daily codeine overdoses (300mg-520mg at a time) have been killing it off. I’ve been high on painkillers every day so I didn’t notice the liver pains.

I hope it’s not permanent. I’m getting symptoms of liver damage still but the liver pains have stopped.

and yeah

its hard but I’m stopping drugs

If i continue, I will come to a point when it isn’t a choice and it will be even harder 

I’m planning to save up and do a big fucking sesh in january or february then not do drugs again except for maybe the occasional xtc every few months, or acid if i ever get the chance

i was going to invite the guys i went with on friday but they’ve all fallen out (probably) because of the drama

Februaryish, imma invite the girl out on the weekend

hopefully shes still single

we’ll get high if she even says yes, idk if she will. she has reasons to and reasons not to.

I’ll just tell her, I think shes awesome and I want to see her more.

She was never mine anyway. If this scares her away, so be it. I got over her last time, I’ll do it this time and I’ll do it again. 

I have nothing to lose.

I think she just wants meaningless sex and drunken nights though. 

I thought I wanted that but I don’t.

All I care about is being happy with friends. 

Talking about random shit, often shitfaced, all night.

Whenever I get a chance with girls, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of it.

I don’t want to fuck girls. I am attracted to them but idk

i would rather just spend time with them

will I be like this forever

I know it isnt normal 

I do sometimes make out with people I don’t know. guys or girls

but if I get to know them at all it throws me off

Like, they’re not anonymous, there’s a name to the face now, they know who I am.

I feel like there’s a witness to it, even if it’s only them

and I mainly associate shame, not pleasure, with sex.

Then there’s a witness to validate the shame.

I like this girl.

I had chances to make moves. I didn’t want to. 

It’s like, if I do then it’s final. It’s a one night fling and nothing more. I also may have scared her away. I’m so ugly recently and I doubt she would’ve been into me then.

I was so happy just talking with her, fuckfaced, about everything. 

It felt like I had a new IRL friend. I just want to talk with her

I wanted to be able to see her again. 

If I did anything, even a kiss, with her that night then I’d feel ashamed whenever I thought about it. 

Then the memory of her would be tainted. 

she was high though

I doubt shes interested in me at all

but fuck it

after I’m over her, I can look at her objectively again

she’s just another regular young girl/woman

which isnt a bad thing

but it means I can look at her clearly, without all these feelings clouding my vision.

then every weekend

I’ll make plans with people, just so I can invite her out too

‘hey im gonna be in town with some friends this weekend, do u wanna come along we need more people’

sure, it’ll be weird

but the offer of free cocaine must take her fancy one night

and thats it

I’ll act like the world is ending 

we’ll have a good time

and I’ll talk about what’s been eating me up for over half a year

Sure, I might get rejected but it must be easier than just carrying on, knowing she will go her separate way when it could have been. 

I need closure. I don’t even think she’s the one or see a future with her, although that’d be great too. 

I just want to go out with her for a few weeks, maybe half a year or so. then we both lose interest in each other, she dumps me

BUT I’LL HAVE CLOSURE THEN. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE. MY FEELINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN PURGED. I USED TO BE HEARTLESS; IMMUNE TO THESE FEELINGS! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

I’m not gonna say ooo i love you, or anything

I’m not gonna ask her out

I’ll just say I really fucking like her, I think she’s great and I’d love to be able to see you often.

something like that

she can say whatever she thinks

probably that its weird i invited her out after all the drama that happened with my friends yesterday(current tense, as im typing this)

At least I will know then. 

Man, I hope she doesn’t have someone by then but I won’t be surprised if she does. 

so today

christmas is a good time isn’t it?

for me its lonely.

everything stops.

winter is already sad enough.

 everyone wants to be with family, but the only day ill be with family is christmas day itself

im glad i get to be with my friends today, that was a nice surprise,

although i might have to leave to be with josh so that he doesnt hurt himself. 

oops. mentioned his name, his anonymity has been erased. voila. 

ive been typing my thoughts her for like an hour

a lot of shit I forgot to mention

but yeah

i need to do a lot of shit which ive been putting off

shower, wash my clothes, pay for electricity, go to my friends. im currently on emergency credit and i only remembered that was a thing an hour ago. after i slept in the dark. 

I feel sad that I’ll probably not be with her, but in time that will pass.

I feel sad because winter is coming, i have nothing to occupy my time.

this will all pass in time, it hurts now, but I will feel happy again soon enough.

hang in there

#personal #her #drugs #long text post #so yeah im 'quitting' again

[ryodan]

SasuNaru and the pinhole : part 2

This comes full circle in the Gara fight when Sasukes survivor guilt was shown on full display, with him stating he believes the only reason Itachi let him live was to be an avenger. Sakura comes in to take his attack and

1 thing I’d like to highlight, Sasuke throwing himself in front of them earlier was because he cared and it’s unlike his moral standard..and his last words would have been this

But to willingly and consciously give up his revenge because the pain of losing someone dear is a great deal of character development and refutes any argument that he did not care about Sakura. Not to say he would not have done the same for Naruto, but Kishimoto chose her for a reason.

Naruto sees this and remembers Kakashis and Hakus quote about fighting for the people you love making you stronger and giving you a stronger resolve and he charges up on chakra

‘Sakura-chan wa orega mamoru!’

‘I’ll protect Sakura!’

And he fights Gara, and teaches him about the pain of suffering on your own, shouldering pain with your friends and protecting them..the whole concept behind the series

Itachi happens and ofc you know sasuke is conflicted, his resolve is awakened

Now, sasukes inferiority complex dates back to his childhood, and that is why he compares Itachi to Naruto, both of whom are people who had a strength sasuke thought was unattainable to him

His petty side did show throughout a lot of the series

It was also shown on multiple occasions. Sasuke did not like Naruto catching up to him because it was another Itachi situation. Additionally Itachi dug salt into the wound by saying things like you are weak and I am not interested in you. The fact that he was interested in Naruto, who was getting stronger than him made his petty rise to like 5000 degrees, I don’t think anything that follows, or a lot of their ‘rivalry’ in part actually is justified. Their dynamic through this lens but not a single non sns fan ive met irl wasn’t annoyed by narutos constant bitching and sasukes constant petty side.

People also like to forget this happened

When he was practicing he was thinking that he was completely useless in a situation where somebody he cared about a lot was in grave danger,  which again correlates to his past. This is also him feeling inferior to Naruto but Kishimoto put the smile thing intentionally, in fact he put in there when he woke up again indicating it was a mix of a little of things making him feel inferior.

Since this is a post debunking most sns arguments ive ever been told to make ship this ship, I see people saying Sasuke cared more about Naruto than Itachi when he heard he was back. And while of course he did care a great deal, his best friend no matter how annoying their relationship is, is being targeted by the person who murdered his family in cold blood, of course he would not let shit like that happen again..but I feel like if anyone was viewing these scenes with an sns lens on it annoys me. The person who massacred a clan and made a child feel like he was not good enough to be slaughtered and that his own reason of living is to carry the moral burden of avenging his clan (no matter how great itachi is, that was the pov at the time for sasuke) was in town, sasuke was having flash backs all the way there and it was heavily sasuke x itachi related, in the worst of ways because of the torture. Naruto was like???? My friend??? Good, of course he’d be like that but the fact that some shippers see this arc as an sns arc pisses me off bc sasuke is not there to wank your fav as so many shippers in general see him..but this scene in particular makes me uncomfortable to think that people view the mental torture of this kid as a romantic arc bc he thought about his friends safety. Also, Naruto is a great friend I just wanted to say that tbh.  This scene is also interpreted wrong

This is the first time Naruto realizes he should get over Sakura, and again is a scene that refutes any ‘naruto was the only one who mattered in team 7’..because of all Team 7 mattered.’she hugged him shes selfish’ ah nah youre just reading the scene out of your ass if you say so imo

‘naruto went crazy when sasuke was hurt so it means he love sasuke’

Yes, ofc he does. He’s his best friend. It’s not romantic tho

To clarify : I don’t know id consider him to be in love with sakura? I always thougth it was a crush and he seemed to get over it so good on him, but the databook and certain chapters state otherwise? I don’t see at all imo but maybe it’s bc I am biased anti NS

Anywho, moving on to a scene that reprsents why I cant be fucked to pretend this relationship is healthy or that I can condone on it on a romantic level no matter how much I love the bond between them

‘he woke up from trauma so,,,,’ if he was acting dick-y I’d understand. He’s 12 so I will defend him because a childs brain can barely handle any of what hes been through (I mean gaara) but he straight up almost killed Naruto for inferiority complex reasons

Yeesh. What he actually says is めざわり, mezawari..the term the village described Naruto with all of his lonely childhood. Naruto jumps right back and says ‘you’re still weak’ after he witnessed the entire Itachi situation knowing full well that’s not something he should say right now. The went full out on each other knowing the other could die bc theyre petty? Sasuke goaded Naruto on so much the need to prove himself made him charge at him with full intensity to kill him. That’s a no from me. I mean that apple plate scene was crappy too, but in it’s intensity and relative to the situation I’m willing to let it :/ me

I understand the trauma aspect, but I don’t justify picking a death match with your friend bc they are getting better than you.

They explain my stance better than I can

Kakashi gets shit sometimes for this scene but I’d like to remind you that the Uchiha massacre was only a political problem in the series after the truth was revealed. Telling Sasuke to just let it go and share his pain instead was not the right way to go about it and Kakashi acknowledged that himself, it was not fair to the situation at hand but he did get through to him, so much so that sasuke went from shouting murderous statements to this, because Kakashi does understand the pain and guilt you feel when your loved ones are dead while you were helpless to help. Revenge is unhealthy…its even more unhealthy when it makes you take it out on people you love and end up hurting yourself more. I hear people say Kakashi and sakura are selfish for relating the situation to themselves, but so did Naruto and so would anyone. No one is that mother Theresa to not see situations as 2 sided.

To go even further into this, there is a thing I see that’s like Naruto was the only one who understood him? Naruto was the only one who didn’t. In fact, self admitted it himself. He was very naïve and did not see the situation through sasukes point of view for a long time

I give Sakura credit on this tbh

After the FOD  Sakura was imo, the most in tune with sasuke

Blah Blah blah confession happens, certain people call her selfish but she never made the revenge aspect about her

Or people who say she didn’t understand his resolve, or that she was doing it bc she just wants him to stay is dumb. Both naruto and sakura did it for both sasuke and bc they want him to stay. They forget she said ‘are you going to isolate yourself again’ meaning no, she understood a lot of his psychological reasoning than she is given credit for.

Idk how this is selfish, or kakashi saying I lost people and learned revenge isn’t healthy is, when everyone is doing it for his benefit.  I think it’s the mistranslation. Some people also think she has never attempted to understand where he is coming from better.

Or people who say its unhealthy bc ‘even if he cared, she didn’t know’ she did before and after

The first battle in the final valley only happened when Naruto jumped sasuke and punched him, Sasuke wouldn’t have gone as low as killing someone unprovoked..had it been Sakura he would have also obtained mangekyo.

He did power up using the pain he felt by the loss of their bonds, in fact the only time he ever thinks of them positively is them as a unit, he said it himself he thinks of them as family

That’s when sasuke almost killed Naruto to obtain mangekyo. Now, let me say another misconception. Sasuke doesn’t kill Naruto bc he is the person closest or dearest to him, that was and consistently remained to be his family. Itachi said kill your best friend the term he used was もっとも and tomo

Not 親友 shinyu 友達,友人 so many words that can indicate dearest person but that wasn’t chosen, instead that was.

 The curse of hatred activates when losing a person very dear, and experiencing self hatred because you couldn’t do anything, Like sasuke when he awakened sharingan in the night of the massacre. To further it to mangekyo the common trope among uchihas was to kill your best friend, to power it up you experience more emotional pain, to make it permanent you implant another uchihas eye to your own and that erases the risk of blindness. All of this ofc means more emotional pain, and no one wants to rebuke narutos status as sasukes best friend their bond is tight bc of the loneliness they know. But none of team 7 are sasukes dearest atm, its his family, his resolve to leave to avenge his family is strong only furthered by Itachis manipulation and his curse of hatred making him feel even more survivors guilt. The main source of his power ups aside from kagatsuchi have always been his family, the love he had for them caused him the most emotional suffering. I recommend these videos they explain it better than I do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkbXG_USxX4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KhHE75GGoo&t=339s

There is ofc the emotional pain of killing a best friend , and its emotional pain of loss and regret that activates mangekyo anyways so when he gets a huge dose of it with Obito he awakens it and rapidly descends into the curse of hatred

Naruto wants to bring sasuke back bc he doesn’t want to see his friend hurt himself, and bc he wants his friend around coolio he even states sasuke is like a brother to him

Again confirming the #nohomo

This is where the fight gets problematic, ‘sasuke was killing naruto bc hes his dearest person’ is easily refutable but whats not refutable is that he wasnt thinking that for a big part of their fight, which is why kishimoto could never get away with any sort of romantic context on this ship. People talk a lot about heteronormativity when it comes to SNS but this is a gross representation of a gay ship, I’ve had that told to me by multiple gay male friends

Yeesh. And the smile is fucking over kill. Mind you, Naruto also has 0 explanation for this behavior so hes just getting beaten up by his friend who is saying ‘you being my best friend is all more the reason to kill you.’  

Thing Id like to add one that, and ill come to again..people say  naruto was the person who understood sasuke the most.. except that was towards the end..and he fully understood him by their final battle. If you remember me saying their bond is a concentration of the series themes, then this is not a surprise. You don’t need to know someones gut, nor experience what they experienced to share or understand their pain. As naruto learns more and more by every arc and experience, he understands sasuke more and by the end tries to communicate what he learned to him. The fact that it can only be Naruto was alluded to by Kakashi when he mentioned ‘the cycle that only ends by death’, then by pain mentioning the world being a cycle of hate, then by the prophecy and by the land of iron arc when Karin noticed sasuke and narutos double chakras and Naruto confirmed he is not fighting sasuke only in order to protect him when kiba accused him, hes the only one who can save sasuke and break the cycle. That’s why they communicate only through their fists, they are literally destined to it as they have indra and ashuras chakra within them.

This, does not mean Kakashi and Sakura did not understand sasuke. They got his motivations way more than Naruto did. 

After the fight sasuke refuses to kill Naruto because he refuses to be like Itachi, confirmed himself in the first reunion

Another sort of annoying thing the sns fandom does is devalue sakuras hard work, Naruto trained to get stronger, beat the akatsuki and bring sasuke back. Sakura trained to protect her  friends, better herself and bring sasuke back. Theres this stigma that because she ended up with a lot of peoples want to be fictional boyfriend that she must be selfish..naruto was willing to die with him!11!! K.

‘just because she had the resolve doesn’t mean anything bc she didn’t do it’ No, but she did what she could to the best of her abilities, however its established the only one who can fight him is Naruto over and over again. If it were her trying, itd be a one sided massacre on his side, and talk no jutsu doesn’t work on him…the only way to break the damn cycle is the child of prophecy, although she was still able to affect him with just words. That’s why shes the only one he ever outwardly thanked , he appreciates her effort way more than some fans give her credit for.

#sasusaku #pro sasusaku #sasuke #naruto #pro team 7 #pro kakashi #pro sakura #pro sasuke #pro naruto #anti sns #pro sns brotp