#maybe every day is me explaining why a different character has a given mental illness according to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dramaticviolincrescendo · 3 years

Note

Rewatching Shameless and i just watched 6x1 jail scene. Can I request a meta if its not too much trouble? I feel like reading a really good meta about that scene and you're one of the best we've got so.....

It’s never any trouble at all! That’s so sweet to say—thank you so much! <3 Kind of coming to terms with the idea that anyone cares about my opinion over here. You guys are too much!

This scene is actually extremely important to me because it and the response to it were what made me start writing Shameless fanfiction, specifically when I saw that my views regarding Ian’s behavior and how Mickey received it were so vastly different from what I initially read. (Insert shameless plug for “That Milkovich Reputation” here.) Now, I know you’ve told me not to do this before, but based on the controversial position in which this scene resides, I feel the need to present a couple of disclaimers for our audience at large.

I first fell in love with Shameless last March, a couple weeks before quarantine began. I didn’t know what it was prior to that and therefore was not present when Noel left the show, so I didn’t experience the disappointment of a beloved character leaving in a potentially permanent way and didn’t engage in the fandom or see how deeply upset people were by that until after I finished the series. I also don’t subscribe to the theory that there was something going on behind the scenes or any animosity between Noel and the creators, as I have not seen any relevant evidence from reliable sources to support that what happened was anything other than decisions made in pursuit of career goals on both sides. As such, my analysis of this scene has only ever taken the content and context of the story and characters into account. I have no interest in speculating on the motives of people I do not know in writing it or portraying it this way, and even if I did, this scene made perfect sense to me as it was written and performed.

I understand and appreciate that this is not a popular position to take and urge everyone to pass this post by if my position on that matter is offensive or upsetting to you. I do not mean to tell anyone what to think or believe, only to explain how I view this scene and the context in which I do so.

That said, let’s begin.

When Last Seen: Mickey

As in all things, context is important. Prior to the prison scene, the last time we saw Mickey was when Ian broke up with him and Sammi interrupted their heartfelt moment, which basically sums up her character in a nutshell. That was a rough couple of days for Mickey. He saw how devastated Ian was to hear his family talk about him as though he were just like Monica; was distressed in his own right to return for him and discover that he’d left the base with Monica; buried his frustration and sadness by sleeping around with other people, which seemed to exacerbate those emotions because those people weren’t Ian, nor had he and Ian broken up when he did it; and came running when Ian called him, only for Ian to end their relationship.

Mickey is a very sharp man—we know this. He can read people like books and manipulate or intimidate them accordingly. He knew Ian had feelings for him in s1 when he showed up on his doorstep seeking comfort rather than going to any number of other people he trusted. He was well aware that Ian loved him in s3, and that made what he felt he had no choice in doing that much more painful. He heard what Ian said and knew what he was doing in 5x12. Of that, I have never had any doubt. It wasn’t like Ian tried to hide that he didn’t want to break up but thought that that was what would be best. In fact, the way he initially framed it always made me think that one of his highest priorities was not dragging Mickey down with him, especially in the aftermath of being called “destructive” and similar to someone who “put them through hell.” That’s why Mickey’s response wasn’t to call him an asshole or get angry or beg. It was to reassure Ian that he was there for the long haul, that he loved him and wanted to take care of him no matter what that meant—and that they could make that work. All the sentiments Ian had tried to communicate before he got married, Mickey was reciprocating in his own way. Had they not needed to temporarily write Mickey out of the story and Sammi hadn’t shown up right that second, I believe that he wouldn’t have given up so easily. We do have confirmation of that being the case in the prison scene, but we’ll get to that shortly.

When Last Seen: Ian

Ian isn’t a selfish character. We know this, too. However, Ian needed to be selfish by the end of s5. What he had to come to terms with wasn’t something that anyone could fully help him with, much as Mickey desperately wanted to. To Ian, the enemy was within. It was inside him, in his brain, telling him what to do even if that destroyed himself and everything he loved. It’s terrifying. I’m not bipolar, nor do I suffer from any other diagnosed mental illnesses, but I admire and respect everyone who wakes up every morning and tackles these things. They’re heroes every single day. But by the end of s5, Ian doesn’t feel much like a hero. Instead, he feels like the villain, and he’s lost touch with who he even is anymore.

That’s not a healthy mindset to have in a relationship. Relationships require a level of give and take, and that used to be something that Ian and Mickey already struggled with. Ian gave more in s1-3 because he was able to, while Mickey had a limit on what he could openly give because of the environment in which he lived and the manner in which he was raised. In s4-5, those roles were reversed: Mickey was able to give so much more, but Ian was gradually falling apart. Neither of them are at fault for any of those situations. It is what it is, and they have a stronger relationship for it. Ian is a giver, though. He’s always been a giver. To be in a position where he doesn’t feel like he can give anything to Mickey because he doesn’t even know who he is was truly heartbreaking for him, and objectively, he needed to take a step back so that he could focus on himself. He knew it. Based on Mickey’s understanding of Ian’s reasons after watching him deny that he had a problem for so long, I think Mickey knew it too. This hurt both of them—Ian to say it and Mickey to hear it—but they’re not fools and they’re not naïve. In some ways, they know each other better than anyone.

Jimmy said that when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put on your mask before you help anyone else with theirs. Ian needed to put on his mask. His heart can’t keep beating if his lungs don’t work.

Starting Season 6: Mickey

Unsurprisingly, Mickey has settled into prison life just fine. We’ll focus on his interactions with Ian in a bit as that’s the meat of the scene, but there are major implications inherent in his discussion with Svetlana beforehand.

1. Mickey has accepted that this will be his reality for the foreseeable future. What else is he supposed to do? Besides, he’s known for a long time that the likelihood of ending up in prison was pretty high for him, as he alluded to in s2. He was a street thug. He stole from local stores, sold drugs, ran guns, operated a rub ‘n’ tug, created scam companies, and was a generally violent presence in the neighborhood for years. He was in juvie twice during the show, perhaps more beforehand. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that it would have been more surprising if Mickey didn’t get locked up at some point than that he did.

2. Ian has visited Mickey before. We won’t get too deeply into this yet, but he thanks Ian for “coming back.” The other times, he wasn’t even paid to do it. So, as far as Mickey can tell, nothing has changed. Ian is focusing on himself right now, but his love for Mickey hasn’t dulled at all. That’s an encouraging thought, and it certainly puts a smile on Mickey’s face.

3. Ever the opportunist and entrepreneur, Mickey really is doing just fine in prison. He runs a business, if you will, that appears to be quite lucrative already. This isn’t surprising either. Sadly, it’s a bad move. He’s already going to be in prison for somewhere around a decade, give or take a couple of years depending on his behavior. But his behavior isn’t good. He’s hurting people for money, and if he gets caught and brought up on more charges, not only will he serve the full fifteen years, but he could get more time added onto that.

4. Ian is aware of this arrangement. He has to be if he’s been going there with Svetlana, and they weren’t exactly hiding what they were talking about. Ian has been very consistent throughout the series: he’s not as concerned with the moral implications of Mickey’s behavior, just how it could potentially impact their ability to be together. He still cares about Mickey at the start of s6, and Mickey can see it on his face when he won’t say it out loud. (More on that shortly.) Once he’s in a better spot mentally, maybe they would have gotten back together had Mickey been on the outside. I’m of the opinion that they would have based on the context of the situation. It isn’t an option, however. This is Mickey’s reality, and he’s not doing everything he can to get out earlier. If anything, he’s tempting fate on not being released at all. (This, in hindsight, sounds rather similar to the issues they’re dealing with right now in s11.)

So, this is where Mickey stands at the start of the season: a prison hitman who is quite pleased that the man he loves has come to see him again, even if the latter is visibly not in a very healthy mental state.

Starting Season 6: Ian

Ian isn’t in most of 6x01. What we do see of him is typically sad or colored by his frustration, outside Carl’s welcome home party at the end of the episode. Even then, there’s an aura of discomfort that accompanies the family’s knowledge that things have changed. Carl came out of juvie a different person—they’re all different people after s5, and they’re not sure how to handle walking on eggshells around each other.

From the very start of the episode, we see that Ian is still struggling even though he’s had enough time to at least partially adjust to his medication, especially if he’s been on and off of it. It’s so sweet how Fiona gently wakes him up—it’s also a bit different. What happened to banging on the bunk bed and yelling for them to come down for breakfast? After behaving pretty normally with Debbie at the bathroom door, she’s almost handling him with kid gloves, and the punches keep coming when she reminds him that he (1) has to get up for work at a place he despises and (2) needs to remember to take his meds.

The kitchen scene is extremely telling of where Ian is at this point, and it partially shows why he’s somewhat standoffish by the time we reach the prison scene. Most of the family is gone or different. Fiona is repeatedly on him about meds and getting to work on time—Ian, Mister Responsible himself who was out of the house before anybody woke up to get to work on time as a kid. Lip is at college. Debbie is absorbed in her unconfirmed but likely pregnancy. Carl is in juvie, and Liam is playing with the switchblade he found under Carl’s pillow before they take him to pre-K. His entire support system is either gone or treating him like he’s broken. All he has is Fiona “going Fiona” on everyone. It’s clear that this is impacting him because he actually derails the conversation to say that they should go visit Carl the following weekend, which was the position Debbie used to be in when Fiona was in jail. Just like Lip shut her down, Debbie shuts Ian down, and he doesn’t say another word as he drinks his coffee—which he can’t finish because Fiona is once again on him about work, so he trudges out the door to another day of being a busboy with no dreams instead of a soldier who has a future.

Work isn’t much better. Svetlana wants him to go see Mickey when he’s determined to stay away. (We don’t have confirmation, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that he wants to distance himself if Mickey is doing something that will potentially get him into even more trouble, especially given some of his reactions at the prison.) Sean is sending Fiona to nag him about not moving fast enough when the diner isn’t even busy. When Otis is chased down by the cops and slammed against the front window, Sean rather condescendingly tells him to, “take your rag and wipe the blood and snot off the window.” Ian—West Point-aspiring, ambitious, courageous, caring, intelligent, hardworking Ian has been reduced to wiping up someone’s snot by a boss who’s living in his house with a sister that’s treating him like he’s shattered glass and a family that is growing further and further apart these days.

That is the day Ian has had before he even arrives at the prison. Odds are that that is how most of his days have gone for quite some time, minus the blood and snot. …Maybe.

The Prison Scene

Now we come to it: what you actually asked about! It’s taken this long to get here because we can’t possibly interpret this scene effectively without incorporating all of what came before it. Mickey’s position is regrettable, but he knows that Ian still loves him and is at least handling his situation with all the grace and competence that we can expect from him. Ian is a bit of a mess who’s had a bad day and is now faced with the man he loves, who he is telling himself he can’t be with, sitting behind glass—where he’ll be for a good long while.

I’m going to divide this analysis into two sections. For a scene that many prefer to forget, to me, it’s a masterpiece of storytelling.

Physicality

The body language in this scene is remarkable—phenomenally blocked, phenomenally directed, and phenomenally portrayed.

When Mickey first appears, he’s visibly chomping at the bit to get to the visitation area. He’s peering out there while he’s still behind a locked door, and he only diverts his gaze to the guard because he’s waiting for him to unlock it. He’s cool about the whole thing—he’s very cool—but he’s obviously also here for one reason and one reason only. That reason is where his eyes go the moment he sits down at his stall and spots Ian’s coat where the latter is pacing behind Svetlana. Throughout their entire conversation, we see his eyes darting to Ian as he attempts to get the business out of the way so that he can indulge purely in the pleasure. It doesn’t matter to him that Ian is visibly tired and reluctant to be there or that he plays with Yevgeny instead of actively joining their conversation. It’s Ian, and all Mickey has to look at in here is a bunch of fellow thugs he hasn’t loved since he was too young to know what that meant. Damn right, he’s going to shamelessly watch him.

In Ian’s pacing, where we can’t see his face, I find it interesting that he keeps himself angled away from the glass. We see more of his back even though he’s moving side to side rather than away. He doesn’t want to see this. He doesn’t want to be there. In s7, he told Mickey how hard it was to see him behind glass—that wasn’t an excuse. He wasn’t falsely trying to make it sound like he was suffering at their separation just as much as Mickey was. We can see that that’s the case right here in 6x01. Ian has never had a problem sitting still through difficult moments, not even when a potential court martial that would further ruin his life was on the table. But this? He can’t sit down. He can’t face that.

The first time he turns directly towards Mickey’s location is so that Svetlana can hand Yevgeny off to him, and Mickey is visibly loving the view. His expression gets a bit softer, and he ducks his head a little so that he can catch a glimpse of Ian’s face. He follows Ian with his eyes even though Svetlana tries to get his attention. What a blast from the past, right? Ian there with his son, taking care of him while he and Svetlana figure out their business? And just like before, he offers Svetlana all of the attention and input that he deems her worth—next to nothing. Ian’s over there. Ian’s keeping the kid entertained, playing with him and rocking a bit in their seat and leaning over his little shoulder to make sure he’s doing okay—but forget that, Mickey’s eyes are examining him from red hair to beat-up shoes. He only glances back to Svetlana because he has to in order to get the information for their next paycheck. Even then, he’s still back and forth, up and down.

And Ian? He can’t keep pacing. He can’t stay turned away, but he won’t look. He occupies himself more than Yevgeny because now he’s low enough that he won’t just see an orange jumpsuit—he’ll see Mickey, and he’s had a bad enough day with his family making him feel more alone than ever without adding that pain on top of it. (This is the third time Mickey’s been locked up for something directly or indirectly related to Ian. I’m sure it’s not unreasonable to suspect that he also feels somewhat guilty about that, especially when it happened right after he broke it off.)

When Mickey asks if Ian is going to sit back there the whole time and not interact with him, Svetlana turns around and presumably says something to get his attention. Their eyes meet, and Mickey gives him a look that clearly says, “What the fuck, man?” This isn’t the behavior of a man who is heartbroken at their relationship ending or questioning Ian’s love for him. This is the behavior of a man who wants the love of his life to get his shit together enough to come say hi to him—or at least look at him—because he can’t pretend that he doesn’t want to see Mickey as much as Mickey wants to see him. It’s impossible to hide that when Ian has let Mickey see so much of his heart over the years.

Ian’s response is so fascinating because he does meet Mickey’s eyes, and he holds that connection for a moment. Then, reading what Mickey is trying to tell him, he actually turns further away again so that Mickey gets his shoulder. This sets the stage for the rest of Ian’s development from now through s9. He’s doing what Ian does: he’s compartmentalizing. He’s taking the emotions he can’t deal with right now, wrapping them in tissue paper, and neatly stacking them in a box that he’ll put up in the attic where he can pretend they don’t exist. But they do. They really do.

If they didn’t, he wouldn’t have spent their entire conversation trying so hard to focus on literally anything but Mickey, because as we saw in the Hall of Shame flashbacks and as has been obvious since their first fight-turned-fuck, once they look, the battle is lost.

Dialogue

I’m going to be real with you guys: I adore this scene. I’ve watched it more times than I can count even though I haven’t rewatched much of the season in its entirety. There was so much said with so few words, and while I was sad at the end, I was also hopeful. This was an impossible position to be put in on both sides, and I truly believe that this was the best resolution they could get at the time. And yes, it hurt. It was painful. But why was it painful?

Because they’re so visibly, obviously, irrevocably in love.

Mickey’s tone when he tells Svetlana to leave because he wants to talk to Ian isn’t as harsh as it’s been for the rest of their visit. There’s such a disconnect between his words and tone: roughly telling her to scram while actually sounding a bit younger at the idea of speaking directly with Ian. Svetlana could tell. It’s so clear, and her smirk is super knowing. In that moment, we’re seeing the woman who stood in the doorway of what was supposed to be her bedroom and watched him make eyes at this unconscious boy she didn’t really even remember. Not in the tears and realizing she was in big, big trouble if he left her, but in the understanding that his heart isn’t in the body on the other side of the glass—it’s sitting behind her. There are a lot of things I don’t like about Svetlana as a person (as a character, she’s amazing), but since they reached their agreement in s4, she’s never had a derogatory thing to say about the love those two share, and I respect that. It’s actually a bit cute how she takes her time and is almost teasing in giving him what he wants. A bit.

As I have this scene running on repeat so that I don’t miss anything in writing this, I paused to type and ended up on such a meaningful glance at Ian’s face. Svetlana just took Yevgeny from him, and he hasn’t gotten up yet. He’s staring straight at Mickey, and he looks hesitant. Scared, almost. Then he looks up at Svetlana, nods a bit, and reluctantly moves into her spot.

Is it overkill to take this one exchange at a time? Probably. Am I going to do it anyway? Hell to the yes.

1. “Thanks for coming back.”/”Yeah… Svetlana paid me.” – I know that people hate this line and think this is painful. I know that it objectively is painful. I still laugh every time. Not because Ian agreed to come if he was paid. (He’s got medication to afford and no insurance. I can’t begrudge him wanting to make a few extra bucks any way he can.) Not because of the words, but because of what accompanies them. Ian will not look at Mickey—he’s lost so many battles lately, and he can’t lose this one too. Not when he started this one himself. He’s hemming and hawing, not looking up from the countertop and then twisting around to see if Svetlana is still there or anyone else is listening. It’s so stupid, because literally no one cares, but it gives you this sensation that Ian sees himself as being under a microscope the whole time. That’s his life anymore, at home and at work and now here. And Mickey? He doesn’t look terribly broken up about Ian accepting payment in exchange for coming. He gets this expression that I interpreted as, “Seriously? You’re playing it like that?” Then it settles into disappointment that Ian won’t open up or look at him like he normally would—that the glass interferes with the magnetic pull between them. But don’t worry, children. Uncle Mickey has just the thing to fix that: himself.

2. “You look good.”/*awkward silence* – I mean…what do you say to that? I actually felt so bad for Ian there because what must he have looked like these last visits if Mickey is telling him that he looks good now? What kind of mess was he then when he’s still sort of a mess today? And he can’t even return the sentiment because how can he? Mickey is in prison. He’s in a jumpsuit looking at being here so long that he’ll probably have a few grey hairs starting to grow in when he gets out. I don’t know how to respond when people tell me I look good on an average day, so I can only imagine how that must have felt in his position. And still, he won’t do more than glance in Mickey’s direction. Well, if that didn’t work…

3. Mickey chuckles and says he got a new tattoo. Ian’s eyes immediately shoot upwards, and Mickey slouches a little so that he’s in their direct line of sight—to hold them there, because once they look, the battle is lost. And Ian does lose. For a while there, he can’t look away again. First, because Mickey is courting some pretty nasty illnesses with his improper use of needles. Seriously, Mickey, a beautiful gesture but holy crap. Second, Mickey has his name (or a very close approximation to it) tattooed forever right over his heart. Ian had asked if Mickey was going to marry him, and Mickey told him to fuck off, but everything he’s doing points in the opposite direction. He promised sickness and health; now he’s made a permanent mark on his body for everyone to see. Mickey, who wouldn’t be seen in public with him once upon a time, has plastered Ian’s name onto his body. Ian tries so hard not to let that impact him, but it’s over. He’s lost the battle already, and he falls further and further. He’s smiling when he tells Mickey it looks infected, he teases him about the misspelling (which I think says more about how much that tattoo must have hurt than any inability to spell on Mickey’s part—I’d have a typo too), and he laughs at Mickey’s irritation that he messed it up. And it’s this sweet little laugh, not cruel or hurtful or mean. The wonderful thing about humor is that it can be used to cope with difficult emotions. We’ve seen a lot of people on the show start laughing when they’re in a bad place. Ian has been trying so hard to accept his life as it is even during the shitty day he was having. He tried so hard not to let himself fall into the trap of letting his love for Mickey rule his actions in the scene so far. That’s a lot. That’s denying himself to the point where I’m sure it hurts. And so he laughs, because Mickey did this crazy, absurd thing for him and yeah, it came out wrong, but he did it. This was all Ian wanted once upon a time (minus the felony), and now he has it—but he can’t have it. So he laughs. He immediately moves to hide it, but he laughs. He smiles more and has to bend away to pretend that he’s not—and Mickey lights up like a goddamn Christmas tree. This is the moment that keeps me from seeing this scene or Ian’s actions as being cruel. They’re both hurting, and this is an awful position to be in. But Ian loves him so much, and Mickey was doing everything he could to make him show it. Not exactly how he saw that going, I’m sure, but he’ll take it.

4. “Been thinking about you.” – Knowing that he lost that one, Ian looks away again. While the end of this scene will hurt for both of them, especially Mickey, think about the pain he must be feeling in that moment simply because he’s not. He’s not hurting. For the first time that day, he feels good. This can’t last. Mickey isn’t coming home with him when time is up. This wonderful emotion that filled him up enough for him to laugh and smile after such a bad day will be gone the second he hangs up that phone. Then he’s going to go home and have Fiona breathing down his neck with nobody else for support. And Mickey will be here—behind glass. He can’t handle that, and he pulls that box out again and starts tearing off the tissue paper. He has to get rid of this feeling. He has to be the one to put it away before it kicks him to the curb. He’s stubborn, and Mickey can see him shutting down but also knows that he’s knocked enough bricks out of Ian’s walls to say something softer, something emotional and closer to the heart. Something he is willing to say where the other inmates can hear, which I don’t think is lost on Ian since he immediately looks up again. He doesn’t look away either, not even when Mickey asks if Ian thinks about him. He glances to the side and opens his mouth a bit, but nothing comes out. Mickey knows the answer.

5. “Gonna wait for me?”/”You’re here for fifteen years.” – There’s this thing Mickey does after he first says that. He chuckles, because he knows that that’s pretty unreasonable to ask and has already predicted Ian’s response. His comment about being out in eight is lighthearted, a serious matter spoken as a joke because…this isn’t juvie anymore. They’re not going to see each other in a few months. This is Mickey’s version of what Ian was just doing, only where Ian tried to withdraw and escape within himself, Mickey is making it more humorous. He’s always done that, make light of pretty serious things to avoid looking at just how messed up it is. But I didn’t get the feeling he was really asking for Ian to wait that long. Instead, I got the feeling that he was testing the waters, seeing if Ian would shut him down—which he didn’t. He offered the bullshit excuse that Mickey tried to kill a member of his family, and Mickey saw through that immediately. I think he knows that he can’t ask Ian to seriously wait and never be with anyone else for fifteen years, or even for eight. I think he knows what he’s saying is a touch absurd. He also knows that Ian’s excuse is extremely absurd, and he doesn’t buy it for a second. It gives him a little courage to do something…well, a bit absurd.

6. “Will you? Wait? Fucking lie if you have to, man. Eight years is a long time.” – I think the important part of this isn’t that Ian says he’ll wait when he doesn’t mean it, which is the popular take. For one thing, I don’t think we can ascribe that level of calculated behavior to Ian in this instance. There are a few things about this part of the scene that mean a lot to me: (1) Ian doesn’t get up and go. He doesn’t even move in that direction. He sits there with the phone after the buzzer sounds and before Mickey tells him to lie. His mouth opens and closes like he’s not sure what to say. Because what can he say? If Mickey serves the maximum, Ian will be in his mid-thirties by the time they can be together. At that point, he was either nearing eighteen or just turned. I still can’t fathom what I’ll be doing in my mid-thirties, and I’m a whole lot older than that. Ian looks just a little terrified here, and that’s because he knows he loves Mickey but has no clue what he’s supposed to do with that in the impossible circumstances they’re operating under. (2) Ian can’t even see himself moving on yet. He’s still trying to figure himself out, not think about a relationship. He has a job he hates, and his family is a different brand of chaos these days. He feels alone, yes, but not in a way that has him openly desperate for a relationship. Based on what he says to Mandy about Caleb, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be in a serious relationship at this point or even in a position for more than casual sex anytime in the near future. How can he say that he’ll wait when he doesn’t know where he’ll be whenever Mickey does get out? Maybe he’ll feel better. Maybe he’ll be out of his mind, roaming all over the place like Monica. Maybe he won’t just be standing on that bridge. It’s a huge question, one that has a lot of ramifications no matter what his answer is, and Ian clearly has none. He’s blindsided by that, which Mickey sees. That’s when he gets serious about those eight years, about how absurd their situation really is. That’s perhaps the first and only time in this scene where we can see that, for as successful as he is at navigating prison, his freedom means something to him. His freedom means he wouldn’t have to coax a glance out of Ian—he could kiss his dumb ass and make him stop being stubborn about how much he loves Mickey. But he can’t. He won’t be able to for a long time. And I think that is what really breaks his heart in this scene, not…

7. “Yeah. Yeah, Mick, I’ll wait.” – Did anyone else notice how Ian swallowed hard before he answered? How his voice gets hoarse when he first speaks? I paused again to type, and the video is sitting on his face staring at the counter before the second part of what he says. He looks like he might cry. He looks like his heart is breaking just as much as Mickey’s is, because he can do what he’s asking this time—reassure him with a lie. Not because he doesn’t intend to wait, but because he is buried so far under what life has piled on top of him that he can’t see the light these days, and he doesn’t see waiting or moving on. He just sees the daily struggle of being this shell of a person. Of being without Mickey even if they’re not technically together. (Admittedly, I think he knew they would be if Mickey weren’t in prison at that moment. Ian has no real self-control where he’s concerned. Lip told him as much, and he’s self-aware enough to realize it, hence his behavior in this whole scene.)

When Ian hangs up the phone, he doesn’t get up immediately. He looks at Mickey—really looks at him—and each of them watches the other’s heart shatter. I don’t see it the way a lot of people do, though. On Mickey’s side, I don’t see it as being because Ian lied. I think it’s so much bigger than that.

Ian looks at him when they can’t hear each other anymore, and if he didn’t seem ready to cry before, he looks it now. Why? Because there’s nothing he can do for Mickey besides that. Ian, ever the giver, can’t give him anything. At that point, he couldn’t even help himself. He can’t be what Mickey needs in that moment, just like he couldn’t be what Mickey needed while he was sick, and it kills him. It kills him to know that by the time Mickey does get out, he’ll be older than he can fathom being and has no idea if he’ll even be around that long. It kills him to feel like even if he is, he’ll still have nothing to offer because, in his own words, this is where he lands. And it kills him to have to walk away and leave what he loves most behind glass.

Mickey is watching this. He knows Ian, and as painful as it was to get exactly what he asked for, it’s even more painful for him to see what him being here does to Ian. Where Ian is a giver, Mickey is a fixer. He makes things better. When stuff is broken, he puts it back together. When there’s a problem, he resolves it. Ian was going to leave because he couldn’t be an unacknowledged number three in Mickey’s life anymore? He jumped to solve the problem by coming out. Ian was acting strangely and wouldn’t get out of bed for so long that Mickey realized something was wrong? He immediately went to hunt down Lip, who he knows is closer to Ian than anyone else in his family. Fiona tells him that Ian is sick and needs to be cared for? He jumps in to do it, even to the point where it did more harm than good. Sammi caused a problem that Mickey couldn’t solve? He fixed the problem of her being there at all. But here he sits, behind glass, watching Ian that whole time and knowing that he was trying to maintain some emotional distance—and, because it’s Mickey, knowing why. There’s nothing he can do about this. He can’t fix it. For the first time since s3, Mickey is absolutely helpless to fix a problem. He takes a breath as Ian walks away as though he’s about to say something, but what can he say? What can he do? Nothing. He can do nothing but hang up the phone and weather the storm.

In the end, the heartbreak in this scene isn’t about them hurting each other, from my perspective. It’s not about Ian being callous and cruel or purposely trying to hurt Mickey. They know each other too well for that. They’ve been through too much. To me, this is about two people who love each other more than anything not being able to be what the other needed when they needed them—and that’s a whole lot more painful.

#shameless meta #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich

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jackidy · 3 years

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To Star Lake - Chapter 2

Rating: T Pairings: Todoroki Shouto/Sero Hanta Characters: Various Universe: Howls Moving Castle Au

Summary: A day of impossibilities starts with a mystery man, with mismatched eyes and cold hands, rescuing him in a dark alleyway as he attempted to go about his business and the pet name sweetheart being said a little too tenderly. It ends with another stranger cursing him in his own store after telling them to leave.

Things like this don’t happen to people like Sero Hanta.

AO3 Previous Chapter Next Chapter

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He’s all too aware of his body when he wakes up, the dull thrum of pain in his joints and back that was not too different from every time he’d fallen asleep at his desk whilst working. Only he’s not at his desk, he’s in his bed, staring at the off-white ceiling as Sero willed himself to get up, mind combing through the events of yesterday in a bid to find the source of why he ached so much.

Went to see Kaminari. Was literally swept off his feet by a wizard. Came home and met another one who –

The attempt to sit up quickly is beaten by the stiffness, Sero grumbling to himself as he stumbled over to the mirror and wash basin in his room, blinking at his appearance before sighing in resignation. “So, I didn’t dream that after all.” He mumbles, voice deeper and croakier than it had been before, eyeing his now older features warily. How was he going to explain this to Urakaka and the workers or to Mina when she turned up later?

Wait, Mina. Moving with speed that leaves him winded, Sero locks the door, knowing the other would barely hesitate before slamming the door open to announce her presence the moment she realised he wasn’t downstairs. But how could he go downstairs?! He’d aged fifty years over night due to some guy whose life mission last night seemed to solely be tormenting Sero.

Had he been the person following them through the alleyway? He wasn’t caught up enough on magic practises to know if blue fire was a common thing, he just now knew that curses burnt through you like fire. Presuming that his current state was reversible at all, gods he hoped it was.

“Pass that on to little Shouto, would you.”

Why did everything keep coming back to Shouto? He’d never met the man. Surely, he’d remember meeting a supposed heart stealing wizard, even if Sero was far from his usual target. He’d entertained the idea of his rescuer being him, of the renowned heart eater saving him, kissing the back of his hand before he was stating he was his Hanta. But things like that don’t happen to him, regardless of what yesterday have proved, it was simply a case of mistaken identity that had resulted in all this.

At least, that was the truth he believed until a better idea came up.

The jostling of the door handle startles him, an all too familiar annoyed noise before loud, impatient knocking sounded against the door. “Sero Hanta! Open this door so I can see your lovely face.” There she was, tehre was Mina, Sero tempted to open the door and greet her only to stop himself. How does he explain this? It had been a struggle in and of itself trying to play down the events of yesterday to keep Kaminari from stressing out and that was before the additional ones that left him twenty-three going on seventy.

“Maybe next time, I’m not feeling too great.” Not an entire lie, he didn’t feel great. He felt confused and anxious more than anything. Please buy it, he mentally pleads, hoping it would be good enough cover as to why he sounded so old now. “I must have caught something at the parade yesterday.” I caught a series of impossible events, he adds silently, waiting with bated breath to see if she buys it and leaves.

“Do you need me to get you anything? We can bring you some soup at lunch time?” We? Oh, Urakaka. No doubt as soon as Mina returned downstairs with news he was ill she’d be in the same concerned boat as Mina, the pair a force to be reckoned with when it came to any worker feeling a little off colour or, more often than not, whenever Sero over worked himself.

It happened more often than he cared to admit.

“Sure, you know my favourite.” What time was it now? How long until the lunch break and how long did he have to leave? It was ten, lunch began at one. 3 Hours was plenty of time to dress, pack some food and money and leave before they all came back. As much as he would love to stay, he doesn’t know how to explain any of this, the idea of disappearing for a while and coming back himself a more attractive idea.

Kaminari is probably going to laugh at the fact the thing that got him to stop following his self-imposed expectations of himself was being turned into an old man. This all after, of course, the blonde would shout about how he’d been right about Sero’s day only getting stranger.

His clothes still fit, though what they gained in length they lost in looseness, fitting now more snugly against him. Perhaps that’s a perk in and of itself, if this is what he was going to look like when he was older, at least his metabolism had slowed down enough to let him gain weight. “At least your clothes fit you better now.” Sero whispers to himself, shrugging on a jacket and jamming his signature hat on like always.

First stop is the kitchen, taking his bag and cautiously unlocking the door, heading downstairs, breathing a small sigh of relief to find the kitchen empty, grabbing bread, cheese and some cured meat before pausing at the sight of the tart on the table and the small note beside it of ‘Hanta’s, don’t touch!’. Oh, the temptation to take it, arguing with himself for a little too long before sighing and walking over, grabbing the nearest pen to scribble a quick ‘thank you! – Hanta’ on the note before taking it.

No use adding to the panic they were going to feel when they realised that he was gone, Sero hesitating, unsure of if he should go through with his plan before shaking his head, shoving the entire bite sized pastry in his mouth. He was leaving. He was going to the wastes to find someone, anyone, willing to tell him how to break this curse placed on him and, with any luck, hopefully break it.

Shoving the plundered food into his bag, he makes a quick escape as the dawning realisation of how much tea the shop went through during the day set in. Leaving through the gate in the courtyard behind the store, Sero slips into the alleyway, thankful as the stiffness of his joints seems to ease up but noting with some annoyance how it still remained, as if a lingering reminder of the mess he’d gotten himself in.

Maybe he should get himself a walking stick? If anything, it would add to the look, Sero politely turning down the off of help down some stairs before going back to his thoughts, did he have enough to buy a walking stick? Did he have enough money at all? He hadn’t really checked his wallet before leaving, he’d just assumed he’d have enough to get by on. Did recklessness come with being older or was this just another side of the curse that he was only just now becoming aware of because, sure, he wasn’t always the most careful of people but he’d always been careful when it came to his finances.

He’ll find a stick to use when he gets to the wastes, nothing was so sore he needed one right now anyway but it would be a safe bet he may need something to assist walking when he made it to the moorland wastes. But he was getting ahead of himself, it was all fair and well planning what he’d do once he reached the outskirts of civilisation but he first had to get there.

---

He should have bought a walking stick.

Sero makes it to the wastes, hitching a ride with a farmer whose farmland backed onto them, who felt the need to remind Sero he was crazy for going up into the wastes alone, how nobody who went there ever came back and that he hoped whoever Sero was looking for was worth it. He doesn’t have the heart to tell the man that he’s aware of the first two, just smiling a little sadly and informing him that, yes, the person he was looking for was important. Even if Sero didn’t know who that was just yet, silently hoping it was the man from the alleyway just so he could point out with annoyance at just what he’d inadvertently caused by not letting him be mugged.

That’s what he tells himself anyway, knowing it in part to be a lie.

He still wants to know how the man knew his name, how he treated him like they not only knew each other but were close. Sero has met many people through his work but he knows full well that whilst he remembers people, they rarely remember him and yet, Mr Mystery was not only unknown to him but also knew enough about Sero to not only call him his given name but kiss his hand. How could he not be intrigued enough to seek him out and demand answers to every question the wizard had been the source of?

Sero shivers as another breeze goes through him, noting bitterly he should have picked up a thicker jacket than the one he wore as well as a stick, huddling down into a small outcropping of trees, pulling the flimsy jacket tighter around him before blowing into his hands. “Biggest I’ve ever been and I still can’t keep fucking warm.” He mutters to himself bitterly, digging into his bag for a bite to eat before setting himself to thinking of warm things.

The hearth in the work room that made the winters so much more bearable. The hot cocoa Koda made for everyone during his breaks at the bakery, including Sero if he happened to be visiting Kaminari. Urakaka and Mina’s attempts at making soups or stews and failing miserably, Sero always eating them despite the way his stomach protested each time, thinking fondly on how they’d improved over the years to the point what they made was now truly edible. How hot the alleyway had been even with the ice cold hand on his waist, how warm the wizards hand had been in comparison when it-

No.

He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about that right now, Sero’s stomach churning. It was his fault he was an old man, his fault he was currently sat in cold moorland and not in his workshop, his fault that everyone he was friends with were probably panicking over his sudden disappearance. No, that one wasn’t his fault, it was Sero’s decision to leave, no matter how much he wanted to blame someone else.

“I should have left a note for them.” He wonders idly, staring at the town in the distance, mouth pressed into a thin line as opposed to one of his usual smiles. They’ll be fine without him, he won’t be gone forever and then he’s return so they can all, rightfully, express their annoyance at him for just absconding into the wilderness without so much as a word never mind a goodbye.

The sound of something rustling makes him jump, Sero scrambling to his feet in a way that wouldn’t have affected his younger body but he’d definitely be feeling later on at this age, turning a little too sharply only to find not a beast but a stick, or should that be a branch, sticking out of the bushes. Had that been there when he’d stopped here earlier or was this just the world granting him a boon to make up for his own personal hell he was experiencing?

Putting his bag back on, Sero moves round to the other side of the outcrop, preferring the idea of not tumbling down the side of the hill should he fall, knowing full well there would be no way he’d manage to get back up the hill with any new pains he’d gain from it. The cold breeze is still present as he grabs the stick in both hands, muttering small curses as he pulled the stick, going as far as to put his foot against a tree for leverage.

“This branch better be damn worth it.” He hisses through clenched teeth, toppling backwards as the branch comes free, revealing not a walking stick like he had hoped but something entirely different. Sero isn’t too proud to admit he screams, a scarecrow that looks more akin to a crucified bird balancing perfectly at his feet, a tattered dark suit covering the frame embellished with red and black feathers that stretched from arms to a flour sack head in a way that made it look like a crown. It’s almost laughable how it looks like a mocking rendition of the missing Prince from the neighbouring kingdom.

Pushing himself to his feet, grunting in pain from his sore back and knees, Sero offers the scarecrow a withering glance before sighing. “Well, there goes my hopes for a walking stick. At least you’re not upside down now.” He grumbles, rolling his shoulders to ease the stiffness settling into them, sighing before setting off again, hands gripping the bag strap as a sense of unease filled him.

He needs to find a place to stay, eyeing the clouds above wearily as they rolled in slowly, thick and dark, the smell of lightning and rain in the air. Kaminari would be happy, he was practically lightning made flesh, but Sero was not his short friend, Sero was not too fond of being caught out in a storm, more so now he knew how cold the wastes were. If only he had actually found a stick in that bush, maybe then he’d move faster than a snail’s pace and have at least a diminishing hope of finding a place to stay tonight as opposed to the none existent one he held onto now.

Sero jumps as something is dropped in front of him, looking down at the offending object, a walking stick, before turning his attention upwards to the looming figure oh the bird turned scarecrow. If this had occurred any other week, Sero knows full well his response to a moving scarecrow would have been one of abject horror, more so down to the thing’s effigy like appearance. “Umm…thanks.”

His back cracks as he bends to pick up the cane, noting with mild amusement the bird head like handle, looking up at the scarecrow again and letting out a breathy laugh. “You must be so proud of yourself, huh?” His response comes in the form of a couple of bounces, Sero not entirely sure why he thought he’d get a verbal one beyond it feeling like a natural conclusion to come to after the day or so. “If you want to find a place for me to stay in tonight too, that would also be helpful.”

The scarecrow bounces away, a lot faster than Sero expected it to move, the cursed man silently wondering just how the scarecrow had come to be and just how it seemed to understand what he was saying to it. Was it also cursed like him or was it simply the product of unspent magic that found its home in an inanimate object? Though, what did he know, his only experiences with magic in life had resulted in the situation he was stuck in.

Hobbling forward, Sero heads in the direction the scarecrow had gone, his legs all too thankful when the ground evened out into something less steep, the lessening ache in his joints feeling heavenly even if he was still in some discomfort, preferring the mild discomfort over the sharper pains that had seemingly haunted his ankles knees and hips on inclines.

He’s not too sure how longer he’s walked for when he smells it, the all too familiar woodsmoke, Sero relaxing and moving forward with as much vigour only for the excitement to come to a crushing end when he hears it. Metal clanks and creaks against itself, the smell of smoke almost suffocating as the sight of both the scarecrow and the house it had found come into view.

Only it wasn’t a house.

That was Shouto’s castle.

“When I said find me a house, I didn’t mean that!” Sero yells, watching as the castle seems to slow its pace, passing the cursed man and scarecrow slowly but never stopping. This had to be a sick coincidence, right? Surely this bird headed scarecrow hadn’t intentionally led a magical walking castle to him, right? He might have come to the wastes looking for a witch or wizard willing to help him out but this was something else entirely, he was hoping for one that didn’t walk hand in hand with a reputation for heart eating.

Any further protests to using the castle are interrupted when the sky rumbles to life, a loud roar of thunder and the crack of lightning somewhere behind him but all too close for comfort. Breaking and entering into a castle owned by a wizard of known incredible power or staying out in a storm? It was an easy enough answer for him to find, stumbling after the castle as the sound of raindrops began to make the metal sing. Why does the castle seem to be speeding up again, had Sero missed his opportunity to enter? Rain biting into the back of his calves as he attempted to catch up, not sure if the sound in his ears was the rumbling thunder or his frantic heartbeat from the sheer effort of trying to at least keep up with the castle.

“Could you decide if you’re letting me in or not already?!” He wheezes out, the burn in his legs almost unbearable, each step feeling like he’s walking on glass as opposed to the rain-soaked grass. It’s unexpected, the way the castle seems to come to a near halt, swinging back on its legs to meet Sero’s next frantic step, the old man stumbling and falling against the stone stairs due to the momentum, hissing from the impact and the pain blooming in his shins and forearms.

He was going to be sore in the morning, shakily pulling himself up with help from both the ramshackle railing and his cane, eyeing the blue door before him before turning to regard the scarecrow, still bouncing after the castle, Sero wondering vaguely if it wanted more praise or if it was simply concerned for his wellbeing. “Thanks,” he says softly, half convinced the scarecrow hadn’t heard him only to witness the scarecrow perform the same bounce it had upon bringing him the stick.

The warmth that hits him upon opening the door is a welcome embrace, Sero walking in without a second glance to the scarecrow, closing the door softly as to avoid alerting anyone to his presence. He may be cursed, worn, far beyond the point of caring anymore but he by no means wished for more misfortunate upon himself, not today at least. Wooden stairs almost feel like a mountain as he climbs them, twelve steps feeling like twelve thousand, yet his lungs feel free, the squeeze of exhaustion having slowly eased out of them.

Sero spots the stool in the dim light of the fire, choosing to ignore the unkempt state of the room he’d entered for now, his sole focus being to sit down and just bask in the heat of the fire. His stick tapping against the floorboards and his grunts whenever he miss stepped where the only thing breaking the silence, Sero using what seemed to be the last of his energy to pull another couple of logs onto the fire before sinking onto the stool, full weight against the stick so he didn’t ultimately fall off.

“You’re not supposed to be in here.” The voice is as groggy as he feels, Sero staring at the slowly awakening fire, vaguely registering the grumpy face staring back at him from it. A fire with a face, off putting but not at all surprising, Sero too relaxed under the heat that seemed to melt his muscles and bones in peaceful welcome. It would take an act of god to move him at this point, that much he was sure of.

“I’m not supposed to be a lot of things.” He’s not supposed to be old. He’s not supposed to focus on work too much. He’s not supposed to attract the attention of witches and wizards. He’s not supposed to doubt his friend’s compliments. He’s not supposed to be sat in the castle of Ice Prince Shouto, having a conversation with the fire place about where or not he should have walked in from the wastes.

The fire regards him, a strange expression on its flames akin to impressed and humoured by Sero’s current state and, in all honesty, he isn’t sure which is worse. “Who the fuck did you piss off to have that happen?” The fire’s voice is gravely, like the crackle of burning wood, Sero finding himself slowly falling asleep only to jolt awake when there’s an annoyed shout of ‘wake up’ followed by an insult.

“I don’t know, didn’t think to ask for a name during the entire exchange.” He jokes, ignoring the unimpressed look on the fire’s flames, feeling the exhaustion begin to creep in once more. Would he still have been this fatigued if he were still his true age? He’s not sure, knowing he’s had stressful enough day to exhaust anyone. “If I can stay the night then I’ll be on my way before-”

“Do you want to break it?”

“Break what?”

“The curse.”

The silence stretches on, the fire returning Sero’s dumbfounded look with one of mild annoyance. How does he answer that? Of course he wants to break the curse but what could a fire, sentient or not, do to help him? Sure, he had had his doubts about the scarecrow but this was different, the scarecrow could at least move but the fire was well and truly trapped in the hearth. “How do I know you actually want to help me and this isn’t another trick?”

It smirks at him, a little too on the feral side for Sero to feel fully comfortable with it, flames burning a little brighter with what he could only guess to be excitement. “Because you’re not the only one with a curse to break.” That made sense, he supposes, a fair trade of one broken curse for another, Sero wondering just how someone managed to curse a fire before it occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, the fire was in the same position as he was. “Do we have a deal?”

“Sero. My name is Sero.” He replies sleepily, all too ready to fall into the embrace of sleep as he yawned widely, slumping further onto his cane.

“Bakugou.”

“You’ve got a deal.” He mumbles more than says, finally giving himself over to the exhaustion.

#todosero #sero hanta #seroroki #mina ashido #takami keigo #bakugou katsuki #bnha #bnha howls moving castle au #im sorry todosero tag for how much you've seen this fic be posted i didn't know that would happen

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notbang · 4 years

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the pursuit of happiness

or, an examination of happiness and the chase as recurring motifs in the character development of Rebecca Bunch and Nathaniel Plimpton

rethaniel appreciation week day 2 → pursuit

I could write a small novel cataloguing the endless parallels between these two—I have, in fact, thought about attempting it many times—but honestly the list is so long and varied and sprouts off in so many different directions that I’ve yet to think of a logical way to go about it. Which is why for the time being, I’m choosing to focus instead—in some degree of detail—on this particular mirrored thread between them.

As our protagonist, Rebecca functions as a major catalyst for change in West Covina, and just as surely as she stumbles along in her journey we see the (for the most part) positive effects of her friendship on those around her. With perhaps the sole exception of White Josh, all of the characters end the show as happier and healthier iterations of themselves, with many of the major aspects of their growth traceable to their involvement with Rebecca in some way. Nathaniel is no exception to this rule; arguably, his development, more so than any other character’s, is directly tied to Rebecca’s influence on his life. The main difference here lies in the fact that he moves to town good a season and half after her—putting him that much further behind in his inevitable development.

One of the major, ongoing setbacks Rebecca faces over the course of the show is her tendency to conflate happiness, or personal fulfilment, with romantic love, and more specifically, for the first half of the series at least, conflating it with a single person. Nathaniel, by comparison, at the time of our introduction to him, has little interest in the concept at all, something Rebecca is quick to sympathise with in 2x09—‘You know Nathaniel, I used to be a lot like you. Ruthless. But then one day I was crying a lot, and I decided to flip things around. Decided to put happiness before success. And when I did that, the world rewarded me with true happiness.’ Nathaniel doesn’t verbally dismiss the sentiment, but the wealth of facial expressions he supplies in response suggest what he thinks of that: happiness is frivolous, and he doesn’t have space for it in his busy schedule.

Nathaniel, probably: Sounds fake but okay.

In the season two theme Rebecca declares that as a girl in love, she can’t be held responsible for her actions, and the sweeping duet Nothing Is Ever Anyone’s Fault follows a similar thread of eschewing culpability. While this certainly works to help dismiss a season’s worth of questionable behaviour from the two of them—including, but not limited to, infidelity and conspiracy to murder—I’m not convinced the touted concept behind the song—that Nathaniel has learned the wrong lesson from being in love with her, as explained in post-finale interviews at the time—flies in the face of our understanding of Nathaniel’s character thus far. As a rich, straight, white, cis male whose privilege the show has only made clumsy attempts at dismantling, a disregard of consequence seems a lot less like something he needed to be taught by anybody and a little more like something that was probably ingrained in him at birth.

If we want to talk about misguided takeaways within their relationship, though, their relationship to happiness is the perfect place to start. Nathaniel begins the show with no concept of the pursuit of happiness, so it makes sense that when he does adopt an interest in it, he takes a page right out of the book of the person that introduced him and pins it all in the one place. Unlike Rebecca, though, Nathaniel’s preoccupation seems to be less wilful delusion and more of a case of ignorance being bliss—being with her feels good, so why change anything or interrogate the situation any further? For all his earlier talk, he is quick to give up the thrill of the chase under the hedonistic guise of contentment. Unfortunately, what he lacks is the emotional intelligence to navigate the implications of Rebecca’s disorder, highlighted by his belief that the mere fact that he and Josh are two vastly different people is reason enough for him to be able to dismiss her obsessive behaviour as ‘cute’ and ‘flattering’. Rebecca’s recent breakdown and consequential suicide attempt can’t exist as warning signs in their (what he perceives as superior) relationship because he isn’t planning on leaving Rebecca at the altar; he isn’t privy to the realisation that it ‘wasn’t about Josh, and maybe it never was’.

Nathaniel: I don’t want to get in the way of your therapy thing, but isn’t the point of all this to be happy? We’re happy. That’s what matters.

It’s a shame because despite there being so much more going on with Rebecca than Nathaniel is capable of comprehending at this point in time, he actually, perhaps entirely by accident, manages to get a few things right—he checks in with her about her therapy when her appearing on his doorstep contradicts the information she’d given him earlier (even if he is, at this point, all too easy to convince), counters her suggestion that they play hooky at Raging Waters with the compromise of a more sensibly scheduled dinner they’ll both enjoy, and, when they do come in to conflict over her obsessive behaviours, takes some time for himself before having a serious conversation with her. Though it’s certainly naive of him to think it’s a problem as easily solved as getting Rebecca to promise she’ll never do anything like this again, it suggests the capacity exists (given, with great guidance) for him to approach Rebecca’s mental illness within their relationship in a thoughtful way.

(This of course completely ignores the inherent issues in their boss/employee relationship, which come to a questionable forefront when Rebecca makes the decision to return to work after having broken things off, but we’re starting to get a little off-track from the intended scope of this discussion.)

The idea of romantic love as a chase—if not already sold to us by Rebecca literally moving across the country in pursuit of Josh—is hammered home most effectively in episode 2x11, but Nathaniel actually brings it up in the episode prior; before Rebecca and Josh leave for New York, at the same time as setting up the whole ‘man of my dreams’ idea that also carries on into the next episode, a sweaty Nathaniel beseeches Rebecca to imitate a land-based predator so he can amp up his workout under the threat of chase. Within this alignment, Josh, who ends up proposing to Rebecca at the end of 2x10, becomes even more clearly representative of an end goal—love, marriage, and, as an expected by-product, ultimate happiness. Nathaniel, by contrast for the time being, is all about the chase that comes before. After his speech at the beginning of 2x11 boasting of his dogged approach when securing clients, his passionate buzz words begin to permeate Rebecca’s subconscious, with ‘pursuit’ in particular going so far as to in an echo in a similar way that ‘happy’ does in the pilot. Such is the effect of his words on her that she parrots them back to Josh when she tells him she’s moved up their wedding—‘Finally, it’s coming to an end. The pursuit is over and I just want to celebrate that’. The title of the episode title may pose the question Josh is the man of my dreams, right? but in the most literal sense, the star of her dreams becomes Nathaniel, along with his personal brand of terminology.

Where Nathaniel thinks life is all about playing the hunter, Rebecca insists she doesn’t care for the chase, which makes sense—she doesn’t want to be chasing Josh, and furthermore, admitting that she’s chasing him would only be contradictory to her belief that they belong together. She wants her happy ending. She wants to arrive at her final destination—her destiny—because thus far all her journeys (which have in actuality been more of a kind of stagnation) have been left her unfulfilled. However obsessing over an idealised future only postpones her happiness with her inability to focus on the present. Ironically, the point at which she makes an active choice to begin shifting that focus—in 3x07, when Dr Shin encourages her to live in the messy in-between—is right around the time Nathaniel starts buying into her idealisation himself.

In a similar way to Rebecca, regardless of his purported love of the pursuit, Nathaniel’s infatuation is seemingly tied to the concept of a destination—several times quite literally. In 3x04 he’s ready to whisk her away to Rome to evade any obstacles to their being together, and in 4x01 proposes a similar escape to Hawaii, causing him to lash out when Rebecca turns him down—‘I want us to just be happy and be together. That’s what I want. You just said you love me, right? So can you just do that for me? Can you just stop overthinking everything? …seems like every time we’re happy, you try to ruin it.’ He sees their shared happiness as a nirvana state he’s caught a glimpse of that Rebecca is now determined to deny him access to, to the point that he seeks to make their version of a love bubble a physical one, where no outside interference (or, more accurately, internal reflection from Rebecca) can keep them apart. Still degrees behind Rebecca in the parallel arcs of their development, he’s stuck in the mindset that them being happy and in love is the only thing that matters. His behaviour is far from flattering, but with a quick review of his history of being on the continual receiving end of her rejection, it’s not entirely difficult to see where he’s coming from.

(As an aside, Rebecca’s relationship with the destination versus the journey as it pertains to the mural on her wall is something I’ve already discussed in a previous meta.)

When she breaks up with him at the beginning of 3x09, Rebecca responds to Nathaniel’s protest of ‘but we’re happy!’ with the qualifier that she’s ‘happy, but it isn’t real’, which probably isn’t the most pleasant thing to be told, even before you factor in Nathaniel’s implied inexperience with serious relationships. While her behaviour prior to this definitely calls for some self reflection, it’s an interesting backflip from extreme infatuation to sudden dismissal, and while it does align with the black and white thinking associated with BPD, it’s easy to see why Nathaniel feels blindsided and, consequently, spurned. She begged him not to break up with her not only to then turn around do exactly that, but to also (presumably unintentionally) throw in the humiliating implication he cared more than she did.

Dr Akopian: Maybe now you can see that your father’s behaviour in the past has set a pattern for you, seeking the love of men who don’t fully love you back. Who you have to pursue. Men who are taken or emotionally unavailable. Like your father. Like Josh. Like Greg. Like other men, I’m sure.

Nathaniel is an outlier amongst the three main love interests in that, for all his grandstanding about humans being hunters by nature, he’s the one constantly falling over himself to win Rebecca’s affection rather than the other way around; it’s ironic that the love interest that asserts himself as being all about the chase is the one that ends up later having to assign himself the title of ‘king of declarations’ based on his ongoing habit of blurting out to Rebecca how he feels, never achieving the level of emotional standoffishness he hopes to exude. Nathaniel’s unavailability—and subsequent cementing as one of the types of men Dr Akopian calls Rebecca out on being predisposed to pursuing—comes only when he enters into a relationship with Mona, and Rebecca, who supposedly ‘never cared for the chase’, with interest reignited finds a skewed sense of security afforded by the romantic roadblock, something Nathaniel seems to understand on some unspoken level, as hinted at by his eagerness to maintain the fragile status quo of their morally questionable arrangement.

As a result of this subversion of power dynamics within Rebecca and Nathaniel’s relationship, in amongst the many other parallels between them that only serve to support this, it starts to become apparent that, narratively speaking, Nathaniel is to Rebecca as Rebecca is to Josh, something that is visually co-signed by the show during 4x03, when we see the same golden glow of romantic epiphany crest behind Rebecca in the church during her speech at Heather and Hector’s wedding that suffuses across Josh when Rebecca encounters him in the streets of New York.

Nathaniel’s takeaway from Rebecca’s speech is that because he loves her, he should do everything within his power to get her back, which of course leads to his (frankly embarrassing) attempts to manipulate her and win her over in 4x04. (Fittingly enough to this discussion, the opening line of the Slumbered quote he plagiarises is ‘you are the only thing that makes me happy’. The irony of his failed use of her teenage diary to win her over is that I honestly do believe the speech is an accurate summation of how he sees Rebecca, and had he only chosen to put it in his own words, that final scene between them might have played out a little differently.) The part he probably should have focused on, though, is the part Rebecca is currently pouring all her professional energy into (and not so coincidentally, it’s right there in the episode title)—love (and therefore happiness) being about finding your own path.

Rebecca: I don’t believe in destiny anymore. I just believe in taking responsibility for your own happiness.

This is not the first time Nathaniel makes the decision to actively pursue Rebecca while her attention lies firmly fixed elsewhere. In 3x03 and 3x04, he is forced to grapple with his feelings alone when a distracted Rebecca eventually goes where he cannot follow, putting an abrupt end to any potential for chase when she flees back to New York in 3x05. Consequently, Nathaniel embarks on a mini-arc of struggling to accept the idea that Rebecca may never come back—initially incomprehensible to him, owing to the fact that she bears importance to him, personally—to conceding that his (thus far relatively unexamined) need for her to be in his life is secondary to her own wellbeing, something that acts as a precursor to a major thread in Nathaniel’s (often one step forward, two clumsily-written steps back) character development in the back end of the series.

Nathaniel: I just hope wherever she is, she’s happy.

In 4x11, Nathaniel’s dream world amalgamation of Maya and Rebecca begs him to let her be happy, and as the former fades into the latter we get another callback to the pilot—an echo of 'happy, happy, happy…’ reminiscent of the empty shell of New York Rebecca latching onto Josh’s description of laid-back West Covina. Unlike its instance in the 1x01, however, this is a wake up call of an entirely different kind—it is not the blossoming of a brand new delusion but the sobering dissolution of one. And unlike the speech a radiant Rebecca gave at Heather’s wedding about finding the one you love and holding on tight, this particular iteration is here to impart the contradictory wisdom ‘if you really love me, you have to let me go’.

Nathaniel: I want you to be happy, I do.

This moment is arguably the true beginning of Nathaniel’s lesson that his happiness isn’t necessarily (or in this case, due to the current circumstances, can no longer be) inextricably linked to Rebecca—she has the opportunity to find happiness independently of him and that in itself is something that should make him happy, as someone that loves and cares for her. His assertion to dream Rebecca that he wants her to be happy manifests in his concession to Rebecca in the real world—‘I’m glad you’re happy. I really am. And it makes me happy too’—an exchange that echoes two similar moments between them back in season three, during which Rebecca expresses the same sentiment regarding his relationship with Mona, first following the cool down from their 3x10 conflict, and again in the aftermath of their ended affair in 3x13:

Rebecca: I’m happy that you found someone else. Mona seems lovely.

Rebecca: I’m happy for you… I want you to be happy.

The more interesting callback here though, of course, is to Rebecca’s conversation with Greg at the duck pond way back in 2x02. After finally tracking down an AWOL Greg with the intention of breaking the news of her involvement with Josh, Greg makes peace with the situation by way of reassuring them both that everything worked out fine as long as Rebecca is happy. ‘You and Josh—you should be happy together. You’re happy, right? And he treats you well?’ Rebecca responds to this in the affirmative, though her expression—and the context of the episode—belies her answer. In contrast, her exchange with Nathaniel goes a little differently:

Nathaniel: Because you’re happy, right? You’re happy with Greg. Rebecca: I mean, I don’t know. I’m not there yet. But I could possibly be, yeah.

The evolution of Rebecca’s response is of course evidence of her development as a character and her own understanding of her relationship to happiness, but what I find most noteworthy is not that she lies in 2x02, but that in 4x11 she chooses to tell an unusual truth. She could just have easily have said yes the second time around and it would have functioned as a clear enough juxtaposition of what she considers close enough to happiness; after all, at the time of 4x11 she and Greg believe they are approaching their relationship in a mature and thoughtful fashion, they are warm and affectionate towards one another and, unlike in 2x02, she is not having to compete for her partner’s attention. She would, by all accounts, be completely justified in giving what could be considered the normal response to being posed such a question—that yes, she is happy with Greg. So even though it’s encouraging to hear Rebecca verbalising her newfound knowledge that happiness is so much more than such a simple dichotomy of yes and no, it feels significant that Nathaniel, as a person currently knee-deep in untangling his own complicated relationship with happiness, is the one that gets to be privy to this particular brand of truth.

And while it can be argued that all the strides Nathaniel makes in 4x11 are undone over the course of the following episodes, setting aside the very real fact that human emotions are fickle, and we can’t always stick as completely to our guns as we’d like, his blessing here still comes with a telling caveat: ‘I’ve got to let you go… because you’re happy’. And who shows up on Nathaniel’s doorstep during 4x12 to poke holes in that perceived state of happiness between her and Greg? None other than Rebecca herself.

Rebecca: You just want me to be happy, which is what I want too, and god, Greg… Greg doesn’t know what happiness is.

Such is the shared significance of this concept of happiness between them that the second Rebecca alludes to their conversation in the foyer, Nathaniel’s previously good-natured, albeit slightly confused, response to her drunken presence in his apartment quickly and very clearly dissolves into alarm bells and he eventually sends her on her way. Though he could easily have wielded Rebecca’s visit as a weapon to create dissonance between her and Greg in 4x13, he merely probes for clues by way of a convoluted metaphor, resigning himself to the fact that the issue has been resolved, while Greg, in actuality, is at this point none the wiser. It’s only once Greg himself tells Nathaniel that it is over between him and Rebecca that Nathaniel returns to entertaining his feelings for her.

Though we the viewers are all too aware (and at this point, probably screaming at the TV!) that Rebecca’s happiness is not, contrary to recurring belief, a vacant role that she needs someone to fill; unlike us, the characters have not had the good fortune of being able to watch the show Crazy Ex Girlfriend on the CW network. Nathaniel is still a fledgling in terms of self enlightenment, and it makes total sense for him to be nudged towards into pursuing her again once the clearest obstacle to her affections—her relationship with Greg—is no longer an issue.

When she breaks the news of her decision to Nathaniel in the finale, Rebecca is quick to assure Nathaniel that ‘the times that [they’ve] spent together have been some of the best of [her] life’, which is an interestingly bold statement all on its own, but it feels somewhat satisfyingly like finally giving Nathaniel a real-life answer to the ‘we’ve had such happy moments, you and I, haven’t we?’ that he throws at his Maya-shaped projection of Rebecca in 4x11; affirmation that contrary to what she says in 3x08, something in there between them was real.

‘You only get one life,’ he tells her in return. ‘And you’ve got to live that the way you want.’

Neither of them uses the word ‘happy’ in this exchange, but as we fast forward in time, we get:

Nathaniel: Happy to be here.

Rebecca: For the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

Nathaniel (who in an amusing reflection in 2x09, reveals that he, in a roundabout way, moved to West Covina because of Rebecca—‘it’s kind of your fault that I’m here’) has finally made the actual change that Rebecca taunted him with on their first meeting. And unlike Rebecca, he’s had a chance to interrogate what happiness for himself, removed from another person, might look like before he does so. Rather than starting with a life-altering change, he gets to make incremental changes along the way—which very much are tied to his entanglement to Rebecca—in order to make a more meaningful and deliberate life change for himself later on.

“When you find someone that melts the iceberg that is your heart…” - 3x03

“Provoking me, and zinging me, and challenging my world view. And warming my heart.” - 3x04

“You make me feel like I can be a different kind of person.” - 3x08

“You’ve awakened my heart and unlocked my soul.” - 4x04

“You’ve changed my whole life. Who I am, who I can be.” - 4x11

Rebecca describes her moving to West Covina in Nathaniel’s first episode as ‘[deciding] to flip things around. [Deciding] to put happiness before success. And when I did that, the world rewarded me with true happiness.’ In the finale, she tells the audience how he, by comparison, ‘upended [his] life’—‘You changed everything. But unlike me, you did it for the right reasons. And I am in awe of you.’ Alongside the nice progression from her proclamation in 2x09 that she ‘came to West Covina to search for happiness’ to her more self-aware announcement at the open mic that ‘for the first time in my life, [she is] truly happy’, (which feels like a subversive callback to a certain infamous butter commercial) we also get a reiteration of the sentiment— ‘I came to this town to find love. And I did. I love every person in this room’—that conflates happiness with love in what is now a healthy and satisfying way. It’s the perfect twist that she’s rewarded with the thing she was searching for all along just as soon as she realises she was looking in all the wrong places, and that the place itself still gets to play such a large part in that. And she is able to see Nathaniel’s journey as all the more meaningful in light of her own missteps along the way.

While I have my reservations on the bow they tied Nathaniel’s arc in for the finale (because despite Rebecca’s realisation that there is no such thing as ‘ending up’, there is in the sense of the scope of this series) being a well thought out resolution as opposed to leaning on a previous gag without laying any actual groundwork, the truth is it’s unclear what the true nature of Nathaniel’s sabbatical is/was/will be—mere extended vacation, permanent new career path, or just the initial spark of inspiration in some extended self discovery. That being said, much like Rebecca evolving towards a point where she can appreciate the interconnectedness of love and happiness in a less troublesome way, it is neat that Nathaniel’s resolution follows on from his tendency to want to escape to far-off destinations in an attempt to control his desired status quo. Though his fleeing town is still inextricably linked to having his heart broken by Rebecca, Guatemala, for once, isn’t about transposing his current circumstance to another place in order to cling to something, but rather a carefully selected, specific site for welcomed change.

Independent of any potential that may or may not exist between them as the show closes out—romantic or otherwise—it’s undeniable that these two characters have left indelible marks on each other, and without their respective involvement in each other’s lives, their journeys—and resulting transformations—would not have been the same.

#crazy ex girlfriend #rebecca x nathaniel #rethanielaw #rethaniel #rebecca bunch #nathaniel plimpton #crazy ex meta #stop! meta time

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me-and-fo · 3 years

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Ok, so I’m going to just take a moment to introduce my main F/O and explain why I love him so much. This will be a long post so be ready.

This is Gantlos

He is from an Italian cartoon called Winx Club, which got English dubbed and eventually aired on Nickelodeon later on. The cartoon is about a group of six girls that call themselves the Winx and are fairies. They have magical transformations, gain new forms and powers every season and fight seasonal villains. Gantlos is one of those villains. From the fourth season. He is part of the group called the Wizards of the Black Circle. The other three members are Ogron (the leader) Anagan and Duman. (I really like the other three as well, I have them as platonic F/Os). They are 4 ancient wizards from Earth that went to war with the Earth fairies. They imprisoned all the fairies a long time ago, bu there is still one fairy left that they haven’t gotten yet. The goal of the season is for the Winx to stop them from capturing her, free the imprisoned Earth Fairies, and fully stop their plans.

Anyways now that I’ve explained the background let me explain why I love him so much.

1. He’s pretty as heck. Yeah, yeah I know it’s a bit superficial and basic but it is one of the things I love about him. His entire outfit is amazing. I love the gothic style. I also love his hat. He has long black boots, and I have a really big weakness for long black boots for some reason. His hair is also pretty and also looks super fluffy. I also have a thing for CARTOON/DRAWN (Keywords: Cartoon/drawn. I don’t have a thing for this with real people) older men. I love all of those things on their own and combines is just PERFECTION. (Also there is a brief flash back reel in one of the episodes where he and the other wizards are seen in medieval style armor. He’s only wearing it for 2 images, but he looks AMAZING in it)

Current outfit

Medieval

2. He’s a cool villain. I have a weakness for villains. Always have and always will. Especially when they’re done good and also if they have some redeemable qualities (which this guy has a pretty good one which I’ll get into later). He’s also a powerful villain, being able to fight so many powerful fairies.

3. His powers are cool. Another mild point but nonetheless felt I should point it out. He has basic dark magic powers. But his main power is the use of seismic/sound waves that come out of his hands and feet. He can shoot sound waves from his hands by clapping which causes tons of destruction to the area around it. He can also cause seismic waves by stomping on/punching the ground and causing a mini earthquake. I just find these powers very neat. He also seems to have telepathic abilities, but it’s only touched on like three times? He used these powers to track one of the main characters when she was running from them, used them to make sure the same character was alone at a different point, and sent a mental distress signal to his friends. These powers aren’t touched on that much but I still find them neat.

4. Remember that redeeming quality I mentioned? Here’s where it comes into play. Despite doing horrible things, he is shown on several occasions to genuinely care about his friends. This is actually a theme with all of them, they all seem to care about each other. But Gantlos has the most examples in universe. He’s the one always coming in to save the others, and seen caring for them. He’s like team dad. He saved Anagan from falling, when they were running for their lives, which cost him time but he took the time to save his friend anyways. He also showed care for him when he warned him to be careful. Duman got severely ill at one point, but Gantlos carried him around almost the entire time he was sick, and also showed genuine emotion and concern when he was in pain. He also saved Ogron’s life. When Ogron was pushed onto the train tracks just as an oncoming train was approaching Gantlos JUMPED IN FRONT OF THE TRAIN to save him. It was also made abundantly clear that this was not easy on him and put him through great stress, but he did it anyways to help save his friend, then he helped carry him after that.

Saving Ogron

5. Then there’s his personality. And I see heavy compatibility of me and him. Of course he is shown to be cruel, as he is a villain. He is seen as the trigger happy, angry one of the group that has a temper. He also gets villainously smug, when something is going him and the groups way, or if he’s having fun fighting. I always love seeing his smug faces. But, as we see him be kind and protective of his friends we see him with a softer side. His personality gives me the vibe of someone that is cruel and easy to anger to the world around him, but to those he’s close too he’s really soft, caring and protective. He also gives me mega tsundere vibes. I feel like even though he’s cruel, if you and him get along you could actually get close to him and he could start to genuinely care for you. I find this very similar to myself, although more extreme. I don’t become close to people easily, it takes a lot for me to get close to and start to care for someone, I don’t have too many people in my life that I find I care about. I only have a few people IRL and I do have a few people online (looking at my discord folks). But those I care about I care about really strongly. I feel like we both have a tough outer shell, and we both hide our emotions because we’re afraid to show them and be honest, very few people can get through our shell, but those that do mean a lot to us, so I feel connected to him in that way. He also gives me major introvert vibes but I don’t exactly know why? Maybe it’s because he’s shown to be less extrovert like then his friends? But he gives me the vibe of someone who doesn’t really like to go out too much and also isn’t good at socializing and communicating (IDK why TBH there isn’t a lot of evidence for this in canon, but we don’t know too much about him so I can headcanon what I want according to vibes he gives me) which I can relate with. I also am an introvert that doesn’t like to go out and am also bad at and hate socializing and communicating, unless it’s someone I know and like. I can imagine us staying home and relaxing together while all our friends go out and do things. I also hate confrontation, or rather confronting someone myself. Meanwhile Gantlos is very confrontational. So if we ran into an issue with someone he could do the confrontation stuff, and probably be very fine with it. He also just seems like the protective type, which I love.

6. I don’t really know if this counts as a reason to love him, but just something neat. He’s a character that gives a lot of room for headcanons, since we don’t know much about his past. We know the ‘what’ he does and ‘how’ he does it. But we don’t know ‘why’ he does it. The best thing we’re given is generic “get more power, take over the world” stuff. We know that him and his friends attacked and imprisoned the Earth fairies, but not much about it. We’re basically told that one day him and his friends just showed up out of the blue and started wreaking havoc and that’s it. Nothing about his backstory and why he does this. Which leaves plenty of room for theories and headcanons.

7. This one scene in episode 7 of the fourth season where in the Rai/Cinelume version of the English dub (there are multiple English dubs) he says “If you wanted to be alone with me all you had to do was ask” 👀👀👀💗💗💗

8. This moment that has always stuck with me. In episode 6 of the fourth season there is this one scene where the fourth wall is broken. They basically make fun of the whole “villains doing nothing while main characters transform” trope. The main girls start transforming but then it cuts to Ogron (who’s holding Roxy hostage) mocking them and their transformations. To which Gantlos says “I kind of like it”. This evil, grumpy man likes magical girl transformations and that’s honestly the best thing 😂😂😂

9. I remember he was always one of my favorites as I was a kid. So there’s the good old nostalgia factor.

10. This image of him laughing wholesomely 👀👀👀

Anyways this is the end of my gushing over why I love this man so much. Maybe this’ll help y’all understand my love for him. ❤️

#f/o community #f/o #villain f/o #f/o gush

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beneaththetangles · 3 years

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A Ryvius Advent

Advent, the time of year in which Christians commemorate Christmas by looking forward to it in anticipation, as well as to Christ’s return, is upon us. We hope that we can help you participate and get into the “Christmas spirit” through our blog as we do our traditional Christmas posts. Consider signing up for our newsletter as we gear up for the season, and following along here on the blog as well with posts like today’s, which kicks off the season is a most appropriate way.

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Infinite Ryvius (Mugen no Ryvius), Goro Taniguchi´s Lord of the Flies meets Lost in Space, is without doubt one of my favorite shows. Yet, I must warn you: It is not an easy one to watch. Its slow burn starts with the focus on the people-pleaser protagonist, Kouji Aiba—a guy who finds it uncool to hang out with anyone who has known him for a long time, his estranged brother Yuki, and their bossy childhood friend Aoi. But soon it expands its scope to perhaps twenty or so very interesting youngsters aboard the Liebe Delta, a starship academy for future space cadets, left without adults after a strange accident (or is it?), and through them, encompasses an entire teen society which grows, fights, suffers, and evolves with every episode, always waiting for rescue.

That is the starting point of a journey that will take its protagonists through hard decisions about survival and violence, war, lies, fears and betrayal, the collapse of social norms, emotional and mental breakdown, and repeated moral failure in what I found to be a very atypical, honest story full of quasi Eva-like angst and misfortune.

What’s worse is that you do not even have a Gendo to blame here, either for how frustratingly Kouji acts nor for anything else. There are adults and dangers outside, but they are not the focus. Instead, it’s on the kids. From the kindhearted teen hero to the bright model student, from the Vulcanian-like brainy to the loud representative, from the weak-willed fat boy to the “bad girl,” from the silent gang leader to the space princess (sort of), they are as flawed as they are relatable, and truly dangerous to each other in their own ways. And the consequences of their sins and errors are not small, not here. What follows has been aptly described as an ascent/descent into hell.

Why watch it, then? Why suffer? For one, its characters are (in my view) fascinating, and their occasional ugliness, and that of the situation, is how we gradually come to see something genuine and hopeful about them. They may start as archetypes, but they suffer, evolve, interact, struggle, and surprise me, for better and for worse. No matter how minor their roles, they all have something to say, and quite frequently they are things I hadn’t heard before from characters like these. The story does not whitewash their flaws, but neither does it give up on them when they fail (and boy, do they fail). The comparison with The Lord of the Flies may be the first thing that comes to mind, but if you go along, you will receive, one after another, signs that things may go differently here. It is not only the primal they confront, but also the supernatural; not only the evil in them, but the good. And I have come to understand enough about myself to know that I´m pretty much like Hikki Hachiman: I thirst to know the human heart, of others and mine, and I often find hope in it.

More than that, Mugen no Ryvius is a show firmly interested in what is good and evil, right and wrong, just and unjust, much like Bokurano or Serial Experiments Lain. It takes its premise seriously, and it makes every effort to show us that everyone is connected. This principle is personified in the character of the Girl in Pink, the soul of the starship, an observer who wanders around learning about its inhabitants, sometimes talking with them, sometimes helping them, sometimes unveiling what is beneath the surface, she herself connected to the deeper mysteries of the ship. And, as I have loved reading about the evolution of fictional societies and regimes since I first read Plato´s terrific (in both senses of the word) Republic in Philosophy class, the self-contained nature of the community which is described, the elegant way in which everything is presented and the 26 episodes that give us plenty of time to know everything about everyone make this a very enjoyable story, even if sometimes you have to just endure it.

There is even more. Ryvius is not only a psychological thriller or a social experiment. It is a tale of discernment and heroism, but not only that either. Much as in Taniguchi´s Planetes, its themes and symbology go all the way to the philosophical and the spiritual, in this case with the salvation of all humanity literally at stake. The characters are largely unaware of this larger plot—they are busy enough as it is—except for some weird encounters they experience here and there, but we get to see it through the Girl in Pink. The story has something to say about who we are to each other, and about sacrifice, sin and delusion, and also about the meaning of hope and love in this fallen world. Thus, it connects with the themes of Advent, the time when we remember the long wait for Christ during the long ages of Israel, the longing of the human heart for Him in the reign of sin, the promises of the prophets and the difficult and specific, strange, miraculous yet discreet circumstances in which the fulfillment of that hope was prepared when the time came.

But, God being the Lord of the Living, this period is not only one of remembrance. It is also the time when we try to better dispose our hearts so that His coming here and now can touch us more deeply. It’s becoming a challenging, tiring Advent for me, both professionally and personally, so these days I am fasting a bit, trying to bring to mind the hope of Christmas and of the future and meditating on the readings of Isaiah and John the Baptist, Joseph, and Mary. Because Advent is also the time when we look to the future from the hardships of this world and renew our hope that He will come back, that rescue is coming. That there is a second, hidden story in my life too, and it encompasses and explains the one I see. It is something of a funny coincidence that the hardest part of the Ryvius story comes also at December, a December in space.

I think that is as far as I can go speaking only in general, so spoilers ahead. Ryvius is full of twists and turns, so you have been warned.

Episode 23 is probably the show at is bleakest. Just an episode or two before, the violence, the egoism, the anarchy, the malevolence, the ill will, the disorder and the laziness have reached its peak, and a friend has been scarred. The sins of the little society—unbeknownst to them, a literally chosen people, because the Ryvius is the only hope for humanity to escape the Second Solar Flare, and no crew has ever been able to make it react—are just too many, and they are punished. It is the logical consequence, and even I was hoping for it. Our heroes experience a mutual emotional breakdown, unable to comfort each other. And hurt and bitter, the courageous and kind Ikumi turns into a tyrant by threats and sheer force, threatening to destroy entire sections of the starship if he is not immediately given unconditional obedience. Like the Leviathan of Hobbes, he demands absolute power to prevent the kids to becoming wolves for each other. With Yuki and the rest of the mecha aces on his side, those aboard are forced to comply.

His first decision is to reinstate the gang of Airs Blue, that other interesting tyrant, back from prison as the police force, a role than they clearly enjoy. Shortly after, order is restored, but in such a way the ship starts to feel like an occupied country. Violence is not as overt as it was, but it is there. And maybe all that would be at least an improvement on the previous anarchy, were not that his main advisor is the ultimate schemer of the Zwei group, Heiger, who has been given free hands to engage in his social engineering projects and protect this Pax Romana until the number of violent incidents is zero.

Shortly after, people are sorted by ability and separated (well, either that, or if Heiger thinks you a subversive element, sent straight to Class F, which includes pretty much every important character who is not part of the regime). Juli Bahana, the voice of empathy and reason, is expelled from the bridge for objecting (more specifically, for objecting without providing a feasible alternative), and sent to Class F. So is her ever-jealous friend Ran, who has undermined her in every way she could. His crime is violently protesting that the little kid aboard, Pat, has been sent to Class F too (well, says Heiger, naturally, he is not useful by any objective standard). Fina S. Shinozaki, the beautiful pagan priestess/cult leader who preaches the false Gospel of making yourself a new you of your own design, is leading the course of the ship, which now points toward her planet.

When all the new residents of Class F are in their area, a new surprise comes. Unbeknownst to Ikumi, Heiger, who is losing it a bit, blocks the area and switches the lights off. They are left without food or a way out. In his reasoning, these people are not useful, the lowest of the low, and everything that is given to them is a waste. Many of them, conscious of their crimes or their lack of ability, even recognize it is only natural that they would end up at Class F. So there they are, our most pathetic characters, in the darkness. Jealous Ran, indecisive Juli, feeble and treacherous Charlie (sorry, I mean Good Turtleland the Third), femme fatale Criff, bratty Nicks, people-pleaser Kouji, messy and bossy Aoi, loud Lucson, spoiled Pat, the lazy couple who stole points, even the creepy psycho who “protects” Charlotte—all there.

When someone lights a lantern, and it turns out that Lucson was stealing food, so he decides to share it, not without boasting about his “keen foresight.” The last, the not useful, the dispossessed, the guilty thus share the little they have, and sit around the light. Somehow, a curious joy starts to permeate them, and someone asks out of the blue, “It is almost Christmas, isn’t it?”

What it is is December 13rd, the birthday of the youngest member of the crew, Pat Campbell. His father and mother figure are beside him. Lucson may be an incompetent, a liar, and a vain leader, but he has taken good care of Pat, to the point of showing that he is willing to take a beating in his place, and has tried to set example for him in his own clumsy way. Juli may be indecisive and her renouncing as captain of the ship may have played a part in the present state of things, but she has cared for the kid from the first moment. The Girl of Pink is attracted towards that light they share, not towards the bridge, and it´s no wonder. The bleakness of Ryvius disappears for a couple of minutes, and there is a warm light instead. This is the moment in which she speaks to Kouji and stops being an observer, providing hope, a way out. Literally, there is a path.

The darkness will strike twice again in this very episode and the hardest part of this journey of purification is still ahead, but we have seen a glimpse of where it leads. As viewers, we can have hope. Kouji still has to carry his own Cross, his own Gethsemane, and beyond. Aoi will share it all with him. We will still suffer before we reach the end. But for now, there is light. There is a sign of something beyond the madness the Ryvius has fallen into, something that reaches these broken sinners suffering the consequences of their own errors and makes them one, even so.

While darkness and poverty have united Class F, the powerful, the strong and the wise in the terms of the ship are not so lucky. Ikumi cannot participate in the feast. After all, he is locked in his palace—the officials bedroom—with his own thoughts, increasing his own power, worried, navigating his inner traumas, working to stop even the littlest of crimes aboard while the tyrannical system he has created causes others he does not detect. He wants his Pax Romana no matter the means, and even if he is not mistaken about what is right, he is wrong about placing all hope in his own hands, and about the darkness of his own heart. Like Herod (though younger, more desperate and driven by fear and trauma), he may resort even to murder. Neither can Kozue, who has made the conscious decision to play into Ikumi´s trauma to have someone who will provide her affection, and literally shut the door to everything and everyone else.

Neither can Yuki, our punk Pharisee, who never loses an opportunity to point how weak-willed, despicable, low and inauthentic his elder brother is, usually with a punch or two to show him. Even if he is Kouji´s younger brother, he is no doubt like the older brother of the parable, only substituting obedience to the father to doing what he pleases without external influence. He also wants acknowledgement for his achievements. Nor Heiger, who is busy with the census of his new empire, sending every member of the Ryvius community to the place where he belongs to, in his opinion, and worshiping efficiency like he always wanted to. Heiger´s terrified reaction to the unknown, in the form of the Lovecraftian/Ghiblian space beasts, shows us how self-enclosed in the works of his own hands he is at this point of the story: His own cleverness has blinded him to this hope.

But if Ikumi is traumatized, Heiger is a materialist, and Yuki is just doing what he feels vaguely good about, someone is searching for a spiritual meaning in the circumstances. And the meaning she finds is evil. That is Fina S, Shinozaki, the young cult leader/priestess of Mother Arne, a pagan deity who considers letting your past behind and rebuilding yourself from zero as the first moral imperative, adapts to every situation quickly and cleverly, considers Ikumi to be a war god, and believes the Universe will help you if you desire things strongly enough. Behind the bizarre elements of this space cult (you know, those pesky Uranians), there is a very familiar philosophy: Be the center of everything, project a perfect illusion, become powerful no matter the situation, delete from your life those people and parts of yourself you don´t like, always be determined, and get what you want.

Villainous as Fina is, I cannot but feel compassion for her, as she is farther away from hope than the rest, and suffers without it. When hurt, she tries to kill the same person whose love she longs for: she wants to prevent him from applying her own philosophy to her and letting her in his past. When heartbroken, she tries to force her smile like a mask. When her acts get her scarred, she wonders if she is not as virtuous as she should be. The philosophy of becoming your own creator not only destroy you, but also tells you that it´s your fault, for not wanting to be free and happy strongly enough. So I truly pity her, and this broken age of ours, too. In a silent alliance with the Girl in Pink, Kouji will risk everything to confront all four, like John the Baptist, and call them to repent.

So at this time of the year, we should also prepare for what is to come—the fights as well as the rescue, the present as well as the future. The joy of the feast and the time of waiting. In the midst of our daily struggles and sufferings, of the problems of the world, we may take a step back to reflect and pray, try to hear the call, think about the meaning of what is happening, share the little we have, remove the obstacles, acknowledge who we are, repent. Take perspective on the things of the world. Give others the comfort and hope they need. Be brave. And help those who are not useful for us, even those who have hurt us, for we are connected, aboard the same ship. And those far from Class F, locked anywhere, need Christmas too, and dearly: Their hearts thirst just like ours.

And miraculously, there is a path.

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Mugen no Ryvius can be acquired at Amazon.

#Anime #Christianity #Mugen no Ryvius #Infinite Ryvius #Christmas #Advent #Sin #Hope #Articles #Author: Gaheret

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myaekingheart · 3 years

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Thoughts on Writing Trauma in [Fan]Fiction

For some reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about the inclusion of trauma in fiction, namely fanfiction. It’s one of those things that so often pops up in fic but just because it’s done often doesn’t necessarily mean it’s done well. I feel like this is especially true for writing original characters.

Precursory trigger warning for speaking about, you know, trauma (suicide, self harm, eating disorders, death, etc.) in depth. As you can probably already predict from the title. Full text under the cut for brevity’s sake.

Traumatic experiences and backstories are like this rite of passage in fanfiction. Most everyone’s earliest original characters are always given the most heartbreaking, terrible backstories possible because we, as authors, think that that will make our readers more sympathetic to them. I say this as someone who is definitely guilty of this myself. And this is all well and good--some of the most popular mainstream characters come from terrible backstories. It can help explain why characters do what they do and act the way that they act when they are first introduced in a story, and provide space to allow them to grow and evolve throughout the plot (for better or for worse).

I think the issue in giving a character a traumatic backstory, however, lies in the way that this is presented. So often I feel like tragic backstories are used to try and force readers to empathize with and love a character. It’s the almost overbearing sense of “please love me” that I think can cheapen the effect of this developmental tactic. You can’t force an audience to love a character and laying it on thick with why the audience should love your character often seems to do the exact opposite. Readers don’t like to be told what to do or what to think or who to root for. Your character has to prove that they are worth rooting for, or not, based on the way that their past influences their present and the fate of their future. A character who was neglected by their parents as a child is obviously going to be desperate for affection, but think about how it makes them desperate. Do they find themselves constantly in abusive relationships because they are willing to take whatever they can get from whoever will dish out “love” to them, regardless of whether it’s healthy or not? Or because they find comfort in a sense of abuse based on past experiences? Or in contrast, do they push everyone away because they are terrified of letting themselves be loved and opening themselves up to getting hurt again? I know every writing class ever always harps on the “show, don’t tell” but this is one case where I feel like it’s really important. Readers are not stupid. We don’t need to be told straightforward why a character is doing what they’re doing, and sometimes laying everything about a characters past out from the get-go can even dampen the allure of your character. Let the readers learn about the character at the same pace that they would let someone else learn about them. Human beings don’t give away their entire life story in one sitting, and your character shouldn’t, either.

Not only are traumatic backstories so common in fiction, but so are traumatic plotlines. It’s fun to put your characters through hell! It’s fun to break them down and see them at their lowest, when they are left with nothing. After all, conflict is the gasoline which fuels the car of your story and sometimes you never really know what a character is capable of until you break them. I feel like the most symbolic and succinct way to describe this is through that quote “Your characters are like geodes. If you want to see what they're really made of, you have to break them.” However, trauma is a tricky subject. There is a fine line between being authentic and meaningful in dissecting traumatic experiences and laying it on too heavy for the sake of being edgy. I feel like that’s another mistake so many early writers make: feeling as if you have to put your character through ten layers of hell in order for the audience to care about them, too. But this is a dangerous game and trauma is a very personal thing. You don’t want to write insensitively about something very significant at the risk of alienating or even maddening the communities that have personal experience with whatever trauma you’re exploring--if you haven’t experienced it yourself, too, that is. I am a huge supporter of using fiction as catharsis for coping with and processing trauma and anything else troubling that you as a writer may be dealing with, and every situation is different so of course your specific experience will not fit everyone’s narrative of how that trauma may transpire. And if you have been through this sort of thing personally, of course you can be trusted with writing candidly and authentically about it because those are your experiences and no one can steal those from you! You deserve to approach the subject in whatever manner you feel is best for both the story and your own mental wellbeing. For those aiming to write about trauma that they don’t have personal experience with, however, it is so important to write these scenarios with respect. Please do your research, read personal accounts and familiarize yourself with all the ins and outs of what you’re aiming to write. Read up on what it’s like to attempt suicide, what happens after a failed suicide attempt or self harm gone wrong, what to do when you suffer a miscarriage, what grief feels like, what a panic attack feels like, the challenges that chronically ill people face every day and the things that can go wrong when we have flare-ups or are not given the accessibility we need. Don’t trigger yourself, of course, but make sure you are well informed so that you can write trauma in a way that is respectful and authentic.

I am also not going to sit here and tell you not to stack trauma onto a character in a story. I know that life happens and sometimes multiple bad things pile up all at once. Fiction is no different and it’s certainly not uncommon to see a string of bad things befall a character in a story, either. The thing that is important to consider with this, however, is not only respect and authenticity but the way in which these sorts of things would realistically affect someone. The domino effect should feel believable.

For example: character A gets a phone call that character B, their best friend and love of their life, has unexpectedly been killed. This is a traumatic experience enough on it’s own, and the story deserves to explore this character’s consequent grief as they try to navigate their life with this massive hole in their heart now. Perhaps the last thing that character B told character A was something about unwavering support for A in the pursuit of their lifelong dream, something that holds weight and that the grief of losing B can serve as both an obstacle and a motivator for achieving. Familiarize yourself with the after effects and symptoms of mourning in order to write character A’s grief as authentic. Say, for example, they are having trouble sleeping. They are constantly tired but can never fall asleep when they want. They are driving somewhere a few days later and begin dozing off at the wheel. They subsequently get into a nasty car accident. Character A ends up in the hospital with severe but not life-threatening injuries--injuries that completely erase any and all hope of character A ever achieving their dream. What does this loss feel like? How heavy is the betrayal in their chest after having felt so determined to fight against the grief weighing them down in order to accomplish their goals for the sake of character B’s memory? Consider the emotions. Consider the anger and the hopelessness and the depression. Consider what your character decides to do about this. Consider how your character attempts to cope. Perhaps they turn to self harm. Perhaps they feel that the only way that they can manage the pain that they feel is by cutting. Maybe they even think that if they make themselves bleed, it will give an outlet for all of the pain that’s stirred up inside of them. Maybe they even feel as if that pain is deserved, as if everything is their fault (whether it realistically is or not). Maybe they revel in the pain, maybe it becomes the only thing that keeps them sane even if they logically understand that this is unhealthy and dangerous. And maybe their emotions get the better of them and they accidentally take things too far. They accidentally attempt suicide and wake up in the very same hospital they were in when they got into the car accident. The very same hospital where character B was also pronounced dead. Focus on what this means for the character and the story. We as the audience should be able to understand why this character felt like it was necessary to do what they did and what they were feeling in the moment of having made that decision, as well as how having failed will influence and effect them moving forward. That progression should be clear and visible, it should be easy for the audience to track and follow the plot of.

And while writing trauma can be fun and interesting, on the same note of authenticity it is also important to ensure that we are not glorifying trauma, either. We should not be presenting these situations as fabulous deaths and drama. Trauma is a very real and very heavy thing that should be handled with care for the sake of respecting both the characters and the readers. Readers who have gone through similar trauma should not feel as if their struggles are being written as a joke or not taken seriously. They should be able to empathize with the character even if the struggles presented in the story do not exactly mirror their own. Like I said before, the trauma should be believable. And readers who do not have experience with these subjects should not feel inspired by the trauma itself. It is one thing to present a character who is perseverant despite their setbacks, who pushes forward even when it would be easier to quit, and even when they want to quit, but it is another thing entirely to present a character who glamourizes these struggles. A character with an eating disorder should not be seen as an aspiration for thinness and a character who self harms should not be seen as “edgy” and “cool” for hurting themselves. If we are going to write about trauma, we should accept the responsibility that comes with writing subjects in a way that is respectful and authentic rather than glamourizing trauma.

We as writers, however, should not accept the responsibility of censoring ourselves for the sake of a reader’s preference, by the way. We can include trigger warnings and tags all we want, and I think we ought to for the sake of being responsible and letting our readers know exactly what kind of story they are getting into, but that’s just the thing. The reader should know what kind of story they are getting into, but if they click on something with explicit warnings/tags that they know are going to trigger them and continue reading anyway then that is on them and not us. We should not have to completely omit trauma and other taboo/sensitive subjects from our writing for the sake of purity culture.

And on one more note in terms of the inclusion of trauma in fiction itself, also consider how a character’s trauma affects the people around them. How does a character’s suicide attempt affect their best friend? Does their mother recognize their disordered eating behavior? Is their mother the reason behind their disordered eating behavior? Does the character’s love interest cock a brow at them wearing a hoodie in summer and grow curious as to what they’re hiding? And even more: how do the people around your character influence or inspire or motivate them to get better? Or not? Are they steadfastly loyal and determined to help your character through their pain? Or do they feel as if it is not their responsibility to shoulder your character’s burdens and they would rather exit from their life completely? Your character does not exist in a vacuum, so it is important to consider not just the way in which they respond to the world around them because of their trauma, but also the way in which the world responds to them because of their trauma. Let your character exist in conversation with their universe and their social circle. Let your character’s trauma barge in and create a big, looming, unwelcome presence. Let your character work through their trauma in a way that feels believable, and let the people in your character’s life respond to that in a way that feels believable, too.

Overall, just approach trauma with respect and authenticity. Create characters that feel real and believable. Don’t try to force your audience to love your character but rather work to create a character that is dimensional and messy like real people. Let your audience learn your character in the same way that we learn about other people in real life. Let their past trauma influence the way they act in the present and the way they exist within their world and among the people in their life. Do your research, be candid and honest, and above all handle with care.

*Note that I am of course not the end all be all and I do not consider myself some sort of wealth of writing knowledge. I am only writing based on my own personal experiences and things I’ve gleaned from both college-level creative writing courses as well as both reading and writing fiction, specifically fanfiction, for years.

#idk man i've just been thinking a lot about this all day #tw: trauma #awesome things to refer to #writing #writing stuff #meta #ramblings

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doof-doofblog · 3 years

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"You And Me, We're Done, For Good!"

Double Episode Catch-Up

Monday 1st March - Tuesday 2nd March 2021

Hello again everyone! Hope your week is going well so far! I've decided again today that in a desperate attempt to catch up, I'm going to do another post reviewing two episodes. I feel my last post went well and the way I wrote it felt really good, so I'm hoping this one will be the same. So I'll be reviewing the episodes of Monday and Tuesday this week,

Wow, wow, wow!!! An emotional dramatic roller-coaster that's for sure! Okay so I feel there are two main things to focus on, but before we start on them I'm going to start with Whitney and Gray. So after Valentine's Day it looks as if Whitney and Kush have been having a secret fling. Their romance hasn't come to knowledge for everyone yet, as they appear to be enjoying each other's company, Whitney is ushered away as Gray contacts her to look after the children. Of course, being how kind, caring and understanding Kush is, lets her go to do her job at childminding. Whitney goes a out her day looking after the kids, but when Gray comes home asking where the children are, Whitney informs him that they're playing with Raymond over at Denise's, now I get Gray would be concerned as Lucas has returned, but he has no knowledge about Lucas, plus the children wouldn't be there unsupervised, Denise wouldn't allow that considering what she knows, so I feel Gray getting angry with Whitney was completely unnecessary - but then again, when has Gray ever done something which is necessary?! Something tells me if he flips about Whitney letting his children go out to play, how the heck is he going to react when he learns she's been building a relationship with Kush?! It's been known that Gray has hold a spark for Whitney, but it looks as if she just sees him as a mate - I fear what's going to happen when Gray learns about Whitney and Kush, what do you guys think?!

Awwwww Isaac and Lola?! I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy this relationship? I always did love Lola being with Jay, but I'm beginning to think that this could really go somewhere! It looks as if Isaac really does have strong feelings for Lola and after recent events of confronting his Mother to deal with his diagnosis, he's ready to tell Lola about his condition. As they enjoy another date, they were discussing movies and I have to be honest, I loved this moment, I enjoyed how natural it was. The banter, the laughing, genuinely getting to know each other more, but the interesting moment when Lola tells him to reveal something to her that she doesn't know about him, he does look a bit scared, a bit hesitant to tell her the truth, but eventually he admits that he has schizophrenia.

Now understandably, this would worry Lola. But I think she dealt the news brilliantly! Very understanding, caring - almost as if it didn't matter. She's still willing to go on dates with him and even move further into a relationship. However when she's back home after the date, maybe just to put her mind at rest, she tries asking a type of "Alexa" whether schizophrenia is dangerous, but it looks as if it doesn't work and the device doesn't respond. Just then, Isaac arrives with desserts with huge happy smiles across his face, but Lola kind of digs herself a hole when the device has a delayed response, informing her about schizophrenia right in front of Isaac. I do feel this was a little awkward, predictable maybe, but it made for brilliant viewing. Even Isaac finds the funny side and admits that he understands her concern and reassures her about any worries she may have for the future. Even the following scene where they're enjoying their dessert together, I love how Isaac is reminiscing about his teenage years and informing Lola of the time he told a friend about his diagnosis, I found it really really moving.

As I explained in my last post, I don't know the full detail when it comes to schizophrenia, I had to do a bit of research to understand, but I'll be interested to see if Isaac's condition deteriorates or becomes worse. Isn't it a bit predictable? Isaac finds happiness with Lola, only for his illness to escalate and go out of control? This is EastEnders after all, nothing is ever simple or easy and happiness doesn't last for very long. I'll be interested to see if they do an episode which focuses completely on Isaac and his mental health, as they've done with Stacey and Bobby in previous episodes, I think it would be great for the viewers to learn and understand what schizophrenia entails for those suffering with it.

Okay so finally I know the name of character, it's Stas!!!!! After how many episodes now? Three maybe? His name is pronounced loud and clear! (Also thank you to a few subtitles!). Okay so this story regarding Ben, Kheerat and Stas kind of makes sense. So Ben and Kheerat have joined forces in a way to do business with Stas. Did anyone else feel for Vinny though? I felt bad the way Vinny was dragged into all of this. I think Vinny hesitates when he learns that his brother is doing business with Mitchell's but also states that it'll be a bold move to get their family name out there and heard of.

Things seem to be going well for a Panesar's, that is until a dodgy shoplifter is spotted in their shop, both Kheerat and Vinny take it upon themselves to lock the shoplifter in the shop and confront them. Can I also just mention how brilliant Kheerat was in this scene, it was a strong and powerful performance from Jaz Deol. I don't know why I loved it so much, but I felt like it was a type of speech that we've never seen before, well maybe apart from Masood a few years back. I kind of see Kheerat as a younger version of Masood in a way, what do you think?! Eventually a plan is put in place for Ben, Kheerat and Stas to meet at the Arches. As far as I can make out, Stas is expecting for receive his money - money for what, I don't know? But either way Kheerat tries to reassure Stas that his "Dirty money" will be delivered. The one moment that did grab my attention though is when Stas basically insulted Ben about his sexuality, I mean - how dare he!

As time drags on, Stas seems to get a little impatient for his money and from the looks of things, Vinny is meant to be the one who's delivering the money. Stas starts to lose his temper and pulls out a gun, in an attempt to hurry things along he puts on some music as a timer for when he wants his money to be delivered, but unbeknown to everyone, as Vinny is rushing to get the money to the Arches on time, he gets approached by the shoplifter along with a huge gang, cornering him in his path. It's far to say that as the music is continuing to play, both Ben and Kheerat are fearing for their life as Stas threatens to blow up the building as a he points a gun to a gas canister. Poor Vinny is trapped, he tries his best to fight his way out of the brawl, backing into the Vic. Luckily as he enters the pub, he sees Callum sat at the bar, in a desperate attempt to get away safely, he asks Callum for his help. But little does Callum know what he's getting himself involved in, especially considering his job role.

Only, how Callum does help Vinny remains to be seen, as we don't see exactly what Callum does. But eventually, Vinny makes it to the Arches, even though he's late and music has stopped playing, both Ben and Kheerat have managed to talk Stas round in the meantime. Ben admits to his ex-business partner that he had called him "Mad" in the past, but that does not mean that he's stupid. I have to admit watch all this drama unfold, it was pretty exciting stuff, dramatic and very suspenseful. Eventually, Vinny arrives safe and sound with his money still all in tact in the bag, I guess you could say Kheerat and Ben are more than relieved to see his appearance. Kheerat mentions that everything can be forgotten if Stas leaves with the money now and he'll make sure that Stas is given his money every month. As things begin to settle down and Stas leaves with his money, everyone else returns to the Panesar business, Kheerat questions Ben as to whether Stas has always been so erratic in his ways, to which Ben admits he is. Has Kheerat got himself in too deep? As Ben turns his attention to Vinny and questions why he was so late, Vinny reveals to them that he had to ask Callum for help, which completely sends Kheerat in a panic! Considering Callum's job role, who knows what would've happened if Callum had found out the truth? Kheerat voices his disappointment in his brother, claiming that if anything comes back to haunt them, then it's on his head! I do kind of feel for Vinny at this point as well, and when he bumps into Callum later on in the street, it looks as if he's beginning to question his involvement in his brother's business. Does he really want to be handling dodgy deals with his brother and Ben Mitchell? Does he perhaps want to take a different route and do something different with his life? Even Callum admits he could become a police officer, PC Vinny Panesar - who knows?

As Ben returns home after his eventful day, he bumps into Stas for one last time. Showing a bit of interest, he questions who it was who told him the Mitchell's were backstabbing him. It's then that Kat is seen leaving the pub, Stas clocks on to her and informs Ben that it was actually her who blabbed. But the interesting is, how is Ben going to react when he learns Kat has been sleeping with his Dad?! THAT I am looking forward to seeing! Are Phil and Kat actually a serious thing? Or simply just a bit of fun?

Okay, so we have to talk about Ruby don't we? Poor Ruby! I think I'm beginning to feel more sorry for her as time goes on. I don't condone the lying and scheming that she's done, but no one deserves to go through losing a baby, it's the most heart-breaking thing anyone can go through. It's the day after her miscarriage and it looks as if she just wants to carry on, heading to work might even take her mind off of a few things, but Martin tries to persuade her to stay at home. But as Ruby is adamant she wants to go to wrong, she gets an excruciating pain. As Ruby is rushed to hospital, it looks as if Stacey is at home feeling nothing but guilt, does she fear that it's her fault that Ruby lost her baby? I mean, she didn't do anything to harm her, but due to all her stress, could that have caused Ruby to have a miscarriage?

It's eventually revealed that Ruby has suffered a haemorrhage after her miscarriage and they need to empty her womb. I have to say the performances from both James Bye and Louisa Lytton have been brilliant during these episodes, having to watch a young couple grieve for their lost baby, it's devastating! Poor Martin doesn't know how to console his wife, he simply can't find the right words to comfort her. He returns home to get her some more comfortable clothing when Stacey approaches, of course she's riddled with guilt and remorse, she deeply apologises to Martin. I think after everything she and Martin have been through, they know each other better than anyone, so when Martin admits he doesn't know how to be there for Ruby, Stacey tells her ex-husband that all Ruby needs is for him to talk to her, to know how he's feeling, it'll give her some comfort that she's not having to go through this all on her own.

Returning to the hospital, Martin finally finds the courage to open up to his wife. Earlier she questioned why he wasn't angry for losing his child. But he admits that he hasn't gotten past the sad stage, he's still upset and grieving for the child they've lost. He admits that when Ruby announced she was pregnant, he was terrified to begin with, but then he came comfortable with the idea and it made him happy to be a Dad again and to bring up a child with her. It would've completed their family. It looks as if this is what Ruby has been waiting to hear, she's needed to know exactly how her husband has been feeling, it seems this is the first time he's been completely open with her. I found this whole entire storyline so touching you know, upsetting as well as touching, dramatic. Performances from everyone involved have been incredible!

I kind of feel Stacey also as she's having to deal with the knowledge that she was there when Ruby fell, could she have done something more to help her? If they hadn't been arguing, she probably wouldn't have fell? All these questions would understandably going round and round in her head! As she stands on the Square with a bunch of flowers, she watches as Ruby and Martin return home from the hospital. Kush notices her and offers to go with her for support. As they enter their house, Ruby is pretty much stunned to see Stacey walking in with a bunch of flowers, I think she almost takes it as an insult. Stacey pleads for them to stop fighting and arguing, too much has no happened because of their horrendous arguments. But Ruby seems to have none of it, maybe she feels that there's too much water under the bridge for them ever to rekindle their friendship. Ruby then drops the false blow that Stacey was to blame for her miscarriage because she had pushed her down the stairs.

Now this is a false accusation, I don't how guys see this, but Stacey did not push her. Ruby followed Stacey up the stairs, but as Stacey turned, Ruby's ankle gave way and she fell. Stacey denies the allegation and pleads for Martin to understand that she'd never do something like that. But then Ruby takes it one step further by revealing to her husband that both Stacey and Kush locked her in the office and forced her to take a pregnancy test to prove to them that she was in fact pregnant. As awful and disgusting that was, Stacey tries to fight her corner, claiming that she was just looking out for her ex-husband. Ruby had been lying about so much and they feel they had good reason to check whether she was telling the truth or not.

As everyone continues to argue, poor Martin is just sat there as everything seems to sink in, the loss of his child, the accusation against Stacey and then revelation of how they treated Ruby. It all gets completely too much for him, causing him to completely explode. Telling them all to stop arguing, he exits the room and leaves the house, Kush following to console his best mate. But Martin appears to be absolutely furious, lashing out at Kush and punching him to the floor. Kush tells his friend to punch him again if it makes him feel any better, but he also reminds Martin that he knows exactly how he's currently feeling. Kush has been there! He's lost a child! I think some people do sometimes forget about that, it was one of the most tear-jerking moments I have ever seen on EastEnders, when Kush and Shabnam lost their son, Zaair.

The next scene between Martin and Kush is really loved, it was sad, moving and to be honest, it was nice having Kush remember holding his still-born son. Devastatingly, Martin never even got the opportunity to hold his new child, but I think this brief talk with Kush does help him in some way. Kush even asks him whether he's cried for his loss yet, but when Martin admits he hasn't, Kush informs him that that's where he needs to start. If Martin is worried about Ruby and trying to be there for her, he needs to make sure that he can also grieve himself before he can look after his wife. He voices that he's finding it hard to believe that Stacey would purposely push Ruby down the stairs just so she would lose their baby, I mean anyone would find it hard to believe that anyone would/could be that cruel! The final scene of the episode, Martin is sat on Arthur's bench in the Square, he looks to be in deep thoughts of the days events, but as Stacey approaches him, he realises that things between them can't be as they once were. He needs to be there for his wife, she is more important than anything right now and maybe the best thing for everyone would be if Martin and Ruby had nothing more to do with each other, he reassures her that they'll be civil for the children's sake, but the kiss they shared at Christmas was a huge mistake. He's been over her for a long time now and Ruby is his priority, as far as he's concerned, his relationship with Stacey is over, for good!

Overall a very emotional and dramatic set of episodes! I apologise for this post being so so late, I have to admit I've been a little distracted and had a few breaks during the day whilst I've been writing this, but I'm glad to have finished and have it up now! I'm looking forward to seeing where these different stories go, please feel free to leave me a comment or a message letting me know what you're think, I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you everyone! I love you all xXx

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viktor-noctis · 3 years

Text

The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll McSh*tFace

This is my review for the film: The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll McShitFace.

Enjoy.

Tagging @christopherleefan because I think you might enjoy this? Also, I wrote a fic for Taste of Fear (or Scream of Fear for us Americans), and you can expect one for this film as well.

Pre-face: Okay, okay……………………………… Let me compose myself.

………..

………………..

……………………….

……………………………..

Alright, hit the play button.

London 1874 – I paused just to be sure this was the actual date when the book was written.

It was originally published in 1886.

We’re off to a roaring start.

Ew. Children.

Playing in a garden, yep, this is about what I remember.

Little boy shoves girl’s flowers to the ground, and McShitFace talks about “dumb human animals” when referring to children. We agree on that, at least.

“Play out when they cannot speak out.” Jekyll McShitFace suggests they’ve mentally blocked the ability to speak, due to the fact that they are letting another part of them be free to express itself…. What a load of garbage.

You resigned? Here I thought they fired you for being a creep. The fact that Ernst believes he really is a genius makes me want to punch something.

They’ve been married for six years??

No servants, no friends, and Jekyll has cut all professional ties to study the mind… Like a madman. Yeah, I can see Kitty hating this.

Beyond Good and Evil? Beyond the reach of society?

“A very dangerous man, my friend.” No shit, Ernst. Jekyll is suggesting the ‘higher man’ is the one within, while Ernst suggests that the weaker man maybe the ‘evil’ one. Or what we deem ‘evil’. Jekyll, like some, has come to some crackpot conclusion that by drawing out the ‘evil’ man, the ‘weaker’ man within him, that he can isolate and destroy him… Or something to that effect.

Jekyll never answers Ernst when he asks if he’s used it on anything other than a monkey and I find that telling.

Paul is here. Ernst is leaving.

Jekyll is quite charitable to Paul, if nothing else, and Kitty is putting up a marvelous front. Kitty even tries to get him to spend time with her here, but I have a feeling she knows where this is going. She’s probably done this a million times. This is another for the till.

I can tell Kitty is tired of this. Jekyll spends night and day in the lab. All the time. Yeah, that’d wear on most women. Considering the time period, this is all very strange. Then again, this is a ‘Strange Case’, or it was supposed to be.

Kitty telling him about Jekyll shouting to himself in his room, along with a strange voice that wasn’t his own, for an entire night… “Married to a man of great talent.” Ernst, my dude…

Kitty’s asking if he is insane enough to be sent away. Ernst says he isn’t: “we must both try to help him.” Right.

Christopher Lee! Damnit, he’s so tall. How tall is this actress?

They’re so cute. Terrible, but cute.

The top of her head reaches his nose or so. He’s a damn good kisser…

Kitty looks lovely in blue.

And is an extrovert.

Jekyll is an introvert.

Still hate him.

Don’t bash the girl for liking to go out. Or ask her to: “take the evening off”.

“I need you tonight, Kitty. Stay.” That’s not creepy. After years of being ignored, that’s not creepy in the slightest.

Okay, this might be just me, but… I see Kitty’s perspective. I sort of see Jekyll’s? It’s a grey area. I’ve paused it to explain my reasoning –

Kitty, is an extrovert, as I’ve stated. She gets her energy from going out, being around people, and having a good time. That’s great. Good for her, you have fun girl, and take your boytoy (he really is, as often as he gets in money trouble) with you. Jekyll is decidedly not. To say they are incompatible would be an understatement.

Kitty is the type of woman who glows under attention, who craves it from both her partner and others. But mostly, her partner. Enter Paul, who’s proven to be attached to her mostly through money, but there’s so much more there. Again, I love these two, because they’re so terribly flawed, but so clearly in love.

Jekyll, meanwhile, cut all attachment to “live like a hermit in the center of London”. Ernst’s words straight from the beginning of the film. I bet you Kitty was stifled, for years, before Paul came along. Now, not much is revealed of the how Jekyll became friends with him, when he did, or even why he did, but I want to bet it was during University or something. That seems the most likely theory, given Jekyll’s nature.

The Jekyll side is a bit more convoluted. Again, I don’t think Kitty is being unfair here. There’s no telling how long she stayed lonely, cooped up in that house (reference back to when Ernst talked about no friends, no company, and no servants), and was just… bored, sad, and upset.

Ernst even mentioned the house being ‘in ruins’.

She calls him selfish for making it such an issue. I get the feeling he sort of deserves it. Also, she’s in love with Paul now, so that adds another layer to their relationship not working and being incredibly strained.

“I’m not going to insult my friends for the sake of your whims.” Is what her argument amounted to. Again, the movie is making her sound like the selfish one, but you really have to take into account the history, nature, and aspects of each character. In doing so, I don’t really think she is. I think she’s in love with another man, bound to a farce of a marriage, and is doing the best she can by not staying near her creepy husband.

And yep, human experimentation time.

Yeah, go ahead McShitFace, sit at your desk and wait to become The Literal Worst.

Party time. I’m shuddering. Too. Many. People. Ew.

They’re both terrible.

I love them.

Awful.

Paul complains of being bored, and yet she is bored doing the things he likes. They jab and jibe. He looks at another woman. They jab and jibe some more.

They’re bickering like they’re already married.

Get a room.

Terminate their relationship?

They bring up their attachment, again, always with the money. Kitty likes a man free of shame, Paul thinks he might lose her to a man who had even less. Hahahaha. You nerds. You’re in too deep and you both know it.

The Literal Worst has arrived. And he’s uglier than ever.

The Sphinx? That’s the name of this trash heap ballroom?

Hyde looks like a Tool. Barely two minutes on screen and he’s got the Creep Smirk going.

Hoes do not stand together, I see.

Paul and Kitty smiling at each other, having a grand old time. I love them.

Hyde showing his true colors already, by eyeing up Kitty, while dancing with another girl (though I’m pretty sure she’s a prostitute. Or just a woman who gets around, living off other men’s money). Wow, he also says some not-so-nice things to her before heading after Paul and Kitty, who’s having a hell of a time. Paul can also be a jackass –

“Don’t drink too much tonight, my darling.” She says it with such tenderness, while taking the glass from his hand.

“Cunning little kitty cat. Rather a dull husband than a drunken lover, eh?” Paul’s already slurring. He’s entered cad mode. Feel free to kick him to the curve, my dear. He deserves to nurse his hangover by himself.

She just looks disappointed.

Kitty’s creep alert is going off. Listen to it, honey. Run. Run, far away.

She’s trying to take Paul home.

Then going to dance with Hyde. Fuck. Kitty, listen to your Creep Radar.

Friendship with Kitty? Honey. No. Run. “Can I trust you?”

?? Kitty. No. Do not trust the creep.

Prostitute girl is back, claiming Hyde tried to force her, and some dude wants recompense. Kitty just wants to go home. Paul refuses to leave, to help Hyde.

Has common sense become a commodity that only Kitty is buying??

“Give the lady a few sovereigns, and there’ll be no trouble.” Yeah, sounds like a prostitute. Kitty bids them all goodnight. Paul looks sad to see her go. Should have thought about that before you acted the bastard.

Hyde tells them to go to hell and take the trollop with him. Dude dives at them, Paul knocks him out… And Hyde keeps hitting him. Paul stops him, telling him not to kill him, and then asks him if he’s ill.

“Let me alone, Jekyll. Let me alone.” Dumbass. Jekyll voice coming out of Hyde. That’s not creepy. Paul looks amused by the creep show. Hyde leaves the place, screaming, and being weird.

Lots of voice changing. This actor is actually really good. Jekyll realizes what he did, because Hyde says: “I will be back, Jekyll. I will return.”

Jekyll: “Never. Never.”

So he knows this was a bad idea?

Goes into Kitty’s room, whose reading, and she starts talking about her ‘party’. She wants to go to sleep. Jekyll still comes closer, being a creep. Creep Radar is blaring.

“I need you, Kitty. I need you desperately.” And he comes in, trying to kiss at her, mouthing at her neck. Like a creep. I know this is a parallel to later in the film (yeah, it’s terrible), when Hyde is in control, but I still hate this.

I had to pause during the next scene to do a deep character analysis –

Kitty pushes him off, telling him she’s tired, and even says “please”. As if she should have to beg him to keep his damn creep hands to himself. He still has a wild, crazy look in his eye, and asks: “What are you really like, Kitty?”

“I’m your wife, that’s all I am.” She answers it with such evenness, barely disturbed, and it reminds me of what Paul said to her –

“From perfect wife to perfect mistress, and back again to perfect wife.”

This movie has a lot to do with the masks we wear. We change them, depending on who we’re talking to: family, friends, strangers, lovers, etc. All the different relationships we have require a mask, shadowing the core of who we are, because letting someone see everything of ourselves is too terrifying to consider. We don’t show our true selves out of fear, pride, or some other convoluted mixture of emotions.

However, every mask has a basis, a template of origin.

I feel as if, at some point, Kitty really did love Jekyll. She must have. She married him not for his intelligence, not for his money, but because she genuinely loved him. Kitty loves too deeply, too strongly, and has all the hallmarks of a woman who has been burned by that depth of attachment.

“It’s my fault, a woman who shows her feelings always loses dignity.” Kitty says this during the first bit of the dance she has with Paul, which reveals so much of her character. She doesn’t look at him when she says it, the pain of her admittance is too much, and she shies away from anyone witnessing it. Even Paul.

Her relationship with Paul is strained right now. It’s weird. It seems like neither of them knows where it’s going, too afraid to continue, but even more horrified by the prospect of letting the other go.

When speaking of breaking their ‘arrangement’ (look up ‘affair’ in the dictionary), Kitty suggested Paul wouldn’t be able to get along financially without her. Paul rebuffed her, saying that Jekyll and he had been friends for years, and she was just his dutiful wife… despising him.

There’s an ease between them that feels years old, yet I doubt it was from the get-go of hers and Jekyll’s marriage. No, she probably did hate him quite a bit, in the beginning. But there’s a thin line between love and hate, one that can be crossed with loneliness. I like to think it was physical at first, a build up of tension between a woman caged in a house, and watching this man go out and spend her husband’s money.

It was probably Paul who convinced her to come out with him one evening. Fuck it. Jekyll wants to stay in his lab all night? Well, why should you stay too? Kitty probably said no at first. Why would she go out with this smarmy bastard, who gambles, who sleeps with anything that has legs, and drinks himself silly? But then there’s the wanting, the listening to her husband tinker away, watching life go by without her…

She probably went to Jekyll. She tried to talk to him, have dinner with her in the house that night. Without any servants, she’s learned to cook. He makes a point of trying to be nice but talks about his work… Always his work. She asks him to kiss her, as if that’s something she should have to nearly beg for. And what did he do? On the verge of some great breakthrough?

“Not right now, Kitty. I’m busy.”

Kitty, who is strong, vibrant, and beautiful, is not enough to stir a man from the wake of progress. From pride.

Humiliation and defeat, a loathing that breaks through love, stuffs her chest and nearly throttles her on the spot. Retreating, glassy eyed to her room. She probably cried, mourning her broken heart.

After that, she demands to go with Paul.

There’s probably a touch of shock, then a knowing smirk. He’s probably seen lots of women with husbands who ignore them, falling into his kind of life, dancing and drinking and laughing their nights away.

He’s not ready for this one.

Alright, hitting play again –

“But the woman inside of you, is that woman my wife?”

No. No, she’s not. She belongs with Paul.

Stop shaking her. She’s right. Get out.

Take your: “Who am I?”s and get the fuck out.

Cut to Paul being a cad again. Ugh. Go home to Kitty, you absolute tool bag.

He and Hyde are sitting at a table in The Sphinx with two bimbos. Wonderful.

Hyde is a creep. I will say that no less than ten times in this review. I probably already have.

The fuck is this?

They’re doing something weird.

Really weird.

A snake charmer dance.

Am I to assume they wish us to believe that snake is venomous?

Okay, to be fair, all snakes and spiders are venomous, but the potency of their venom varies in such a way that they effect most human bodies on different levels. I say ‘most’ because you can be allergic to something, and receive a far more harrowing experience than 98% of the population.

However, that does not excuse the fact that the creature in question is a ball python and is therefore basically harmless. Minus some swelling and bruising.

I had to pause to write that, okay, playing again –

Yeah, this poor animal is being abused by being forced into a ‘sensual dance’ with this woman. ‘Tigress’, they call her, kill me now. Paul says she’s exclusive to the elite. Kill me twice over. This dance is the worst. That poor snake is confused.

Paul is looking worriedly at Hyde as he stares, transfixed, at this woman. Dude, he wants to get bitch slapped, let him.

Christopher Lee’s eyebrows are doing things to me. Paul is the real eye candy in this shit show.

UGHASDKFJASDKFNAMSDKFJNASDKF

Jkljasdfklajsdklfansdkfnj

Klasjeirkmaskdfnjkasdjf

Klasdmfnkasndf

JKLASJDKLFNASKLDFNJ

UGH

SHE

SHE PUT

THE SNAAEK

HEAD

MOTUH

WHY? WHY? WHY would –

WOULD uuo –

That poor animal.

Tell me that was fake.

She did not really put that poor creature’s head in her mouth.

This is abuse.

Not to mention, really gross. Salmonella, and a million other diseases could potentially exist on the skin of a reptile. Do not handle reptiles and then touch your face, or eat, or put any part of their body inside your mouth. Wash hands after handling, thank you.

Disgusting.

And people are clapping. And cheering.

Is this what passes for ‘exotic’ in the 1700s????

Maybe it’s my modern cynicism, but I am not impressed. I am shuddering in revulsion.

Mostly because of the snake in mouth bit.

Gods.

End me.

I’m about to shriek.

“Forget it, dear boy. She’s not in the prep-school class. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Paul. Paul.

Have you ever considered:

She’s blind.

You’re gorgeous.

And you have a gorgeous woman waiting on you at home.

Why do you bother with the bimbos?

Girl on the right is pretty, okay, she’s like… an 8. Chick on the left is… also pretty, but like a 7.

Kitty is a damn 16, she blows them out of the water. There is no competition. When you’ve already had it all, why bother even looking at anything less? She gets bumped up to a 30 for the fact that she has a brain, she snarks, she jabs with the best of them, and is not afraid to leave you to your well-deserved hangover.

I will fight for Kitty’s honor.

Paul. I’m about to throw down.

He calls the dancer over – Maria – and I can already tell he’s going to –

Yep. Be a bastard.

“She only uses Christian names in bed.”

He deserved that drink to the face.

Even Hyde looks surprised. Then impressed.

Pft – HA! I have to quote this:

“Well, ladies, it seems that I must entertain you both.” He says, while soaked with what one can assume is scotch. “I trust that you will not be too disappointed.” Girl on the right looks like she expects to be disappointed. Ms. Left has her game face on.

“Oh, we’ll just have to manage.” Left is already up and at it.

“Somehow or other.” Right is playing along for now.

“Thank you for your confidence.” Paul’s reply does not sound confident in the slightest. He follows them through a curtain doorway. I’d say, ‘poor bastard’, but he doesn’t deserve my sympathy right now.

Hyde is creeping on Maria now.

“Keep away from him, he is dangerous.”

Yeah. To medium sized rodents.

Actually, considering Hyde is nothing more than a big, smelly, greasy, slimy rat –

Nah, wouldn’t want to give the poor thing indigestion.

“Your friend talked to me like a common whore.”

I assumed you two knew each other? I don’t know, they are weird and vague on that. Alan says he’s tried, then claims what names she uses in bed, and she did throw the drink on him afterwards. I’ve no idea.

I will give this to Hyde: He is a smooth talker. He is also, however, still a bastard.

And the makeup they used on this actress is not flattering at all. I’ve seen pictures of her, and she was beautiful. They somehow made her look hideous. ‘Impertinent’ is a word, though not quite the one I would use for this piece of garbage.

I love putting subtitles on. They’re so dumb.

(Soft sensual music) my ass.

Of course they shag. Why wouldn’t they?

She’s given him an in, now… “You do not buy, you do not beg.” A man who ‘takes’. No, do not give him that.

“A nice, cold wife.” I’m so furious.

They do have a servant! An old woman. Probably a concession after years.

“Mr. Hyde.” Creep.

‘Nanny’.

“Lately, this house has become unused to visitors.”

“The wife of a recluse…”

Trying to sweet talk a woman in love will not go over well for you.

Paul’s??? Paul’s friendship. What a save.

“The question of trespass hardly arises. Mr. Allen has no property rights in me.”

And as for Henry: “Henry leads his own life. He doesn’t seek my approval, and I don’t seek his. Is that wrong?”

OOOOOOFFFFF.

Sweet talk till you talk like that.

“To the boredom of being a neglected wife, and the humiliation of being a rejected mistress.”

It almost felt like she was into the flirting till he said that, but I still get the feeling she wouldn’t have slept with him. You can enjoy flirting, some people do it for a living, but not the act that comes after. As I said before, Kitty wears many masks. This one is short-lived. Hyde has insulted her, and the change in her demeanor is like a switch.

Kitty loves too deeply, to be reminded of her first failing, and the possibility of her loss of Paul is a kick in the teeth. Is she not worth loving? Is science, money, knowledge, other women – is she just no match? Can she have nothing out of this?

“I must say, you are honest. A trifle obvious, perhaps, but honest.” And too close to the surface, too close to the proverbial nail. Kitty is genuinely afraid of losing Paul, and it shows. She’s clinging onto something she feels she can’t hold onto, whether for her already damaged pride or because she doesn’t want to be hurt again. Her face only really started to shift when he said mistress.

“My great affair has already begun.” She’s pulling herself so easily from his arms. He talks about great love since he felt her in his arms, and she just turns away with this casual walk of a knowing woman.

“It was well advanced before ever you appeared on the scene.” She looks almost proud, though there’s still this edge to her. She expects it to crash and burn. She’s just waiting for it.

“I wonder what is the special quality in a man as weak, unscrupulous, and utterly unreliable as Paul Allen?” This really bothers him. Hyde is essentially Jekyll unchained, a copy of the inner, dark urges of one man laid bare, and given free run of the place… And he’s a total rat bastard.

And Kitty is smiling. Kitty is overjoyed.

“I don’t question your description, Mr. Hyde.” She’s radiating with delight. Even that description of Paul in all his awful glory stirs nothing but happiness in her.

“Well then, but why…” And he’s reaching for her, stroking his fingers over her back. It’s this odd mimicry of how Jekyll tried to hold her that night. Ugh.

“I merely happen to love him.” Yes! SHE SAID IT!

“Love? Love is an idiocy!” And she’s laughing again. I’m beginning to believe Kitty uses laughter to cover her pain. Hyde/Jekyll McShitFace uses rage.

“An idiocy of mine, perhaps, but a fact.” Then we get this beautiful close up of her face, the vindication with which she says it has me living –

“I love Paul Allen.” Love, you must be so blind and so wonderful.

(Ominous music). As Hyde descends back to his basement to turn back into Jekyll. Back to the sewer, your garbage monster.

Ernst is here. Okay, something weird is happening again. Jekyll has a heightened metabolism. Probably from sustaining two rat bastards instead of one. I’ve no idea how much time has elapsed, but quite a bit I’m guessing. A week? A month? Another year? Nah, probably more like a week or so.

Jekyll’s life is “burning out at a much faster rate.”

Kitty is fed up with being Paul’s ‘bank clerk’. Yeah, let’s bring Henry into this. ‘Let him deal with life’s little problems and leave us its gaiety’? You are a cad. Why do you love him again, Kitty? You can do better.

She’s sick of being used.

“How can you talk of our love in this way?” Love? Is this the first time you bring it up to her? While asking for money? Aklsjdfkasjdf

Men are annoying.

“You hypocrite!” Thank you.

Debts of honor, my pale ass.

He’s going to Henry.

Ernst knows he’s addicted to something. He says it’s more damning, whatever it is.

At least Paul is honest. Jekyll is being cold to him now. He knows about him and Kitty now. He goes back to his work desk. ‘Going away’. Right. Run.

Paul gets nothing. Notes something must be wrong with him.

Kitty is worried about Paul now.

And fuck – Jekyll is giving full power of his shit to Hyde. His estate, his money, his assets, everything goes to Hyde. This happened in the book, of course, but this completely cuts Kitty off as well.

Also, he even says he’s using Hyde to ‘learn all he can’. You pretty much know it all. Kitty, your wife, is in love with your ‘friend’, Paul. It’s not that hard. You’ve effectively been gaslighting them from the beginning.

“For do I want to return to a life of frustrated isolation and loveless misery?”

I have…

So many problems with this statement alone.

You left your wife, even said it yourself, neglected. For years. So much so, that she’s alone as well. Of course she searched for something beyond you, when you chose to isolate yourself first… And you know what? I’m happy for Kitty, she found something, someone to love and love her in return. Is it perfect? No, but –

Anything and everything can be traced back to you, you sorry sack of literal shit. I’m about to lose it. He’s reaping what he’s sewn, and now he’s trying to escape it.

I’m so pissed off.

He drinks more stuff. Great. The return of The Literal Worst is upon us.

Wow… Never heard Christopher Lee say that before –

“Damn bad luck you’ve been having, I hear, Allen, old man.” Some man comments on the state of Paul’s life, which has gone to hell in a handbasket.

“Damn bad luck.” Paul’s agreement seems to taste as bad as the cigarette he’s smoking. I wonder how many are his, in that overflowing mound of ash and stumps, at the center of the table.

“Oh, well, luck’s a bitch, old boy.” Not sure that was a saying yet, but maybe this is the one that starts the trend.

“Oh, I shouldn’t think so.” Paul looking like he’d like to swallow down the rest of the decanter on the table, with Hyde being the creep that just walked in. “I’ve always had the best possible luck with bitches.”

I just about spit my tea. Not even kidding.

“Almost always, anyway.”

You’re terrible. Kitty should leave without either of you.

How is this review over 4K words? Who’s still reading this?

“Women aren’t a weakness they’re a recurrent necessity.” Paul. Paul. What are you doing?

‘Oldest mistress’.

Paul. You’re awful with money and it’s obvious.

They’re going to go out on the town. Like bastards. Hyde is The Literal Worst.

Snap shots of London’s underbelly during the 1700s… Brawling, lots of drinking and bad singing, and… smoking? Opium? Hooka? Who the fuck knows anymore.

Paul’s out. Hyde is doing the 100-yard Creep Stare.

Paul is out making debts again. ‘Honorable’ ones, at least.

Now he’s out of ideas. It’s been a week. He spent all that money – 5,000 in a week. Ouch. “But you, are a fool.” We agree on that. That is the only thing Hyde, and I will ever agree on.

“And I’ll try Kitty.”

Ha.

Haha.

You can see the wheels turning unpleasantly in Paul’s head. His brow is doing that furrowed thing when he’s confused.

“What the devil do you mean, Hyde?” You know what he means, you just don’t want him to go on. You’re hoping he doesn’t mean what you think he means.

“Well, that should be simple enough for even you to understand.” Again, insulting people while mixing in kind words, though his next ones are far from kind: “I am telling you to obtain your mistress for me.”

Paul is rising out of his chair. His brow is still doing that furrowed thing, but it has gotten even deeper. The rage is coming, a wave that was slow to foam, but quick to rise.

“You unspeakable devil.” There’s still some disbelief, but there’s no denying the shock.

Hyde is doing the creep laugh with a – “How very amusing.” Now you can see the anger, it’s chiseling its way into his features, hard and sharp.

“Paul Allen, breaker of every law in the moral code, is shocked into morality.”

Full blown: I’d punch the ever-living hell out of you. I’m about to.

“You vile, disgusting degenerate.” His lips are quivering. He’s barely holding it together.

“Be rational, my friend.” You’re pushing him far beyond ‘rational’. “I’m asking for the temporary loan of a proven adulteress, of whom you yourself have grown somewhat tired.”

First of all: fuck you. Second of all: Kitty already said he has no property rights to her.

“You go back to hell!” Paul. Punch. Him.

Oh… Wait… Yeah, he’d probably get in trouble for that. And then be sent to jail. And I doubt he wants to be in there while Kitty is out here with this lunatic. Yeah, running out before you lose it seems wise.

Still should have throttled him a bit.

Now what is The Literal Worst doing? Going back to the house…

And sneaking into Kitty’s room. You creep. I’ve never wished to jump through a television screen more.

They only have one servant, ‘Nanny’, is her name.

He’s blackmailing her. With Paul’s notes. Fuck. ‘Buy him back’.

She’s laughing. Yes, that is Kitty’s response to being uncomfortable.

“You utterly repel me.” YES! Go girl! She laughs as he storms out, tossing the notes away. Then she closes and locks the door, pressing her back to it. She was probably more than a little terrified.

Hyde assaults a homeless man, shoving him down, and steps over him. That was in the book… Then back to some cesspit that Paul showed him.

There’s something weird going on here with Hyde and this girl.

Cut to Kitty and Paul snuggling. And kissing. This is the quality content I came for. He’s wearing the same shirt from earlier… Which means he probably took a good long walk, had a small conniption, and then went straight to her.

“Why does love make us behave so hatefully to one another?” Yeah, well, Paul has been the terrible one here.

“Because we’re cowards, my darling. We want everything.” I’m not sure what Paul’s deal is, why he is the way he is… He could just be an ivy league guy who grew up, not knowing how to handle money, he might not come with as much baggage as the rest of them.

Why can’t they just be happy and cute?

Go away? Start a new life? Yeah, do that.

Right now.

Leave.

Before Jekyll McShitFace gets back.

Ah, they planned to mug Hyde, using the girl as a means to dupe him. Seems about right. Also deserved.

Ah, Kitty is leaving Jekyll. About bloody time. Also, the wrong time, considering the whole Hyde business.

Jekyll has destroyed his drugs, though admits that Hyde’s grip is too powerful. Right. As if Ernst didn’t warn you it was an addiction. “No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy him.” You mean you, right? Because, he is, after all, you.

The kids are back in the garden. This can only end well.

Oh, they’re leaving. Good…

Paul and Kitty are making out again. Good for them.

Jekyll shoved a kid. Bad for him.

Same little girl who’s always trying to give him flowers. Yeah, he’s losing it. Rushing back into lab to pen a last will and testament one can hope –

Nope, no such luck.

‘Exorcise him’. Right.

Handwriting switch. Interesting.

Paul admitting to Kitty he’s in trouble with Hyde.

If looks could kill.

Hyde lures them with an invitation from Jekyll, about their last evening together being ‘gay’.

Kitty doesn’t want to go, she’s frightened. Listen to your gut.

Paul wants to stay, because they think he’ll settle. Kitty agrees.

Fuck.

Cabaret. Ugh.

Someone get me out of here. Lots of underwear. This is painful.

Hyde making plans to meet with Maria before meeting with Paul and Kitty, who’s dressed for a funeral. Paul. Don’t. Go. Of course, he does.

Up to Maria’s room. Piss it.

More cabaret. I’ll hand it to you ladies; you can cartwheel and front flip. That is impressive. Also, I’m completely serious, because the amount of muscles it takes to do that are insane. Flexibility is also key. Congrats ladies.

Paul meets with Hyde.

“Surely we can keep Kitty out of this.” He knows something’s up and didn’t want to involve her. Smart, but also stupid.

“Hardly.” Hyde’s reply sets my teeth on edge.

Paul. Don’t go into that room. To meet him in private. Fuck me. Backwards. Paul.

A ball python. How dangerous. Paul. There’s a table right there. Squish the fucker. I mean, I’m against animal cruelty, but in the case of the story, that thing is supposed to be deadly. Squish. Squish. Otherwise, leave him the fudge alone and he’ll leave you alone.

Kitty… Don’t go with the creepy man. Listen to your Creep Radar.

Paul’s dead. Kitty doesn’t deserve this. Don’t –

I hate this. I hate this. Paul is literally dead in the other room.

I’m writing so much fix-it fic for this, you won’t believe.

This review is 18 pages long. If you’ve made it this far, may the gods have mercy on you, because my wrath at this point is endless.

Maria is in Jekyll’s house. He told her to go back to that house, put on Kitty’s clothes –

“The pattern of justice is complete.”

Rot. In. Hell.

Paul and Kitty deserved better. They deserved each other.

Kitty waking up, gods’ I hate this. She’s a wreck. Her hair, her clothes… You can tell she’s about to be sick. She’s barely holding it together. There’s a fucking note… A note leading her to the snake… She finds Paul dead. She’s already shellshocked. Out onto the balcony…

“Paul.” Her last word.

She plummets over the balcony, through the glass roof, and –

Cut to Maria saying: “I love you Edward.”

“I can’t love.” We can agree on two things. Those two things.

“I must be free.” Right before murdering Maria.

Jekyll finally takes back over, rightfully horrified, and runs back to his lab. With three corpses under his belt.

What an interesting mirror effect…

“Why must you destroy?”

“I must be free.”

Then we go back-and-forth, about who murdered, who revenged, and who was wronged. They weren’t in Hyde’s way, but Jekyll was. He doesn’t ‘feel’. Yeah, right…

Hyde is every dark, terrible impulse Jekyll has had, given life and form. His desire to be free, to run rampant, has been a desire of Jekyll’s since the beginning. Free the beast so he could kill it… Then proceeded to twist it to gaslight his wife, his friend, and everyone else. He was living a life, a lie, a sham. The desire for freedom from persecution for our desires, to be allowed to do what we want, when we want, without judgement has been an overarching theme in all of society. People are persecuted for what pronouns they want to use, for how they eat, how they dress, how they talk –

However, because Hyde is merely a reflection, one can assume his desire for freedom is mirrored in Jekyll’s continued desire for the same. Jekyll wants to continue to exist, so Hyde must desire to exist in turn. He’s still composed completely of Jekyll’s desires.

He says he doesn’t feel, yet there is a desperation, a fear in his voice when he says: “You must lose, Jekyll.” Because he’s afraid he won’t. He’s horrified by the idea of being trapped forever, of their relation being found out…

Cut to Inspector being on the case at The Sphinx.

Wow, a lady in gentleman’s clothing runs The Sphinx. Nice.

Jekyll trying to leave a letter to Ernst. Yeah, that’ll go over well. He calls a street cleaner over to take his note to Ernst, but of course, Hyde has to upset that plan.

Again, I give props to the actor for the massive amount of voice switching, and playing the ‘tortured’ scientist, and the King of the Creeps.

Hyde is about to kill this street cleaner. Mate, why did you come into this guy’s house to randomly move something for him? He shoots him in the back, of course…

The Inspector arrives! Not in time…

Hyde is about to torch the place. Of course he is.

He puts up a performance for the police, saying Jekyll is nuts… Whole place is on fire, with street cleaner acting as a sub-in for the body of Jekyll.

I swear, if this fucker gets away with this, I will riot.

Is nobody seeing the Creepiest Grin of the Century?

No, of course not, they’re trying to fight a raging fire.

And of course, there’s a court hearing over the whole thing. Jekyll went nuts. True. He was addicted to drugs. Also true, though it’s not any kind ever seen before. Sought vengeance for imagined slights. True again.

“Fortunate to have escaped – “

Screw you.

Death by suicide. If only.

Do not tell me this is how this movie ends.

“A fine man. A fine – “

Shut up Ernst.

“The higher man.” Shut your face hole, Hyde.

Jekyll is coming out.

“I must leave immediately.” Oh no, you don’t, you bastard.

“Help me.” Keep talking, Jekyll. Get out of there. Confess. You deserve it.

Lots of struggling here. Again, props to the actor.

Inspector, Ernst, and everyone are watching. Do it now, you bastard.

He turned back into Jekyll!

Finally! You did something useful!

He looks really old. Apparently being Hyde aged him decades.

You can still rot in hell.

“I have destroyed him.”

“And yourself, my poor friend.”

“Only I could destroy him.” Dramatic pause. “And I have.”

He’s arrested.

Abrupt Hammer Horror Ending.

Kitty and Paul deserved better.

This review is 20 pages long, over 6K words, and it took me 4 hours to get through it because I kept pausing and rewinding to quote.

You’re welcome.

#The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll #McSh*tFace #I'm So Tired #Christopher Lee #This Took Way Too Long #Movie Review #Kitty and Paul Deserved Better #So Much Fix-It Fic To Write

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kewltie · 5 years

Text

contains: slavery, caste system

Quirkless. Lesser. Lesser than humans.

The thick metal collar goes around his neck and closes with a secured beep. "Be good to your new master, Izuku," the Headmaster instructs. "You're the pride of our academy so try not to shame us. Always remember your lessons and oath."

"We serve at the behest of those who greater than us," Izuku recites solemnly. A mantra that was beaten into him since he was taken from his mother's arms by the DQA when he was only just eight years old and deposited in one of its many training academies.

"Good, good," the Headmaster says, looking particularly pleased with himself. "You're quite fortunate that you're benefactor is such a high profile character that you might be able to pay off your contract debt in ten years or so."

"Yes," Izuku agrees, even though he wouldn't have acquired such a debt if he wasn't stolen away and forced to learn at the feet of adults who claimed to know better. Claimed they were there to help him because he is quirkless. Useless. He must be taught to serve society better.

"Will they--," he swallows the flash of nerves for a moment, "may I know who is to be my new master?" The Headmaster grins, eyes twinkling brightly against Izuku's shadowy apprehension. "I have no doubt that you may already know his name."

"A public figure?" Izuku murmurs thoughtfully. A politician or an idol perhaps? Someone whose name and face is spread everywhere enough that even locked away in the fortress of the academy Izuku would still be familiar with him to recognize who he is. "A celebrity then?"

The Headmaster snorts in amusement. "Close enough," he answers. "In his line of work he might as well be with the way the media and his legion of devout fans like the sink their teeth into him if they could." Izuku blinks, mind racing as he connects the dot. "A prohero?!"

His eyes widen and lower jaw dropping in surprise when the Headmaster gave a short nod. "I believe he's around your age, so young still but a prodigy they say. Having broken into the top fifty ranking in only two year after his graduation from U.A, now he’s among the top ten. His performance had truly been impressive.”

Izuku's heart stops.

U.A., the school Izuku had once dreamed of going to before it all came crashing down. In another life, in another world it would have been his alma mater, but this is his reality now. Now, he can only glimpse of those heroes on TV and thinks of all the could haves, would haves.

That should be me out there, his younger self had thought with a yearnful heart as he pressed his hand against the screen of the TV, but the academy was no place for broken dreams and fanciful wishes. It carved out every weakness of his and crushed it under its firmed teaching.

Izuku may have outgrown those childhood fancies, but he never stopped looking toward the sky like a bird with clipped wings. If he couldn't be one of them then he wanted to know everything about them. News clippings, scholarly journals, and books, he had devoured it all.

"I know you always did have a fondness of the proheroes scene," the Headmaster comments idly like Izuku's earlier obsession with heroes, though argue by his handlers that it had truly never gone away, wasn't a topic of heated contention throughout his years at the academy.

"This is the best match up we could ever hope for. You're one of our most brightest students--one I, dearsay, haven't seen in decades," he says, looking fondly at Izuku as though Izuku hasn't been dragged into his office so many times for corrective behavior measure.

Izuku has always been a good boy, but never an obedience one, his former teachers would often lament about that fact. It's precisely why although Izuku had had broken so many grounds and records at the academy, consistently ranked at the top of his class, but finding him a proper sponsor was hard.

On paper, he was perfect, if choosing to ignore his long disciplinary paper trail, but once the sponsor had met him in person and saw all the cracks of his polished submission in the rigid of his shoulders and eyes unwilling to fall to the floor, they knew right away--there was something terribly wrong with him.

Like, how he was a failure for being born quirkless so they had to carefully train him up with the best money the government could buy in hope that one day he could serve their best and brightest. Even then he'd failed to live up to their expectations of him.

"This pro-hero," Izuku says slowly and carefully. "Does he know of me?" Will he also be disappointed when he meets Izuku like all the rest?

"He specifically requested you. He was very insistent about it," the Headmaster responds, and then he frowns. “Rather forceful actually. Wouldn't take no for an answer. I'd even suggested going through our catalogues of other Lessers first before he make up his mind, but he nearly rip my head off." His frown deepens as his face pinches at the memory. "Such a crude behavior indeed. I almost wanted decline if it wasn't for his reputable reputation as a hero."

Izuku's eyes widen. "He asked for me personally? Who is he then—tell me?!" he demands, taking several steps toward the Headmaster with hands extended out as thought he was going to shake the answer right out of him.

"Izuku," the Headmaster snaps, eyes narrowing in contempt. "Calm yourself! You’re not a child anymore. You're a representative of this elite academy, so such ill manner does not become us!”

Izuku freezes, quickly dropping his hands to his side once more. "I--" His gaze fall to the ground as heat rises to his cheek. "I deeply apologize, sir. I don’t know what came over me like that." He quickly falls back, putting enough distance between them to regain his composure.

The Headmaster sighs. "I know you're excited because this may be your last chance at getting a benefactor after so many fail sponsorships, but do not forget your place, Izuku."

Izuku’s mouth dries and there’s an awful twist in his guts as another lecture starts rolling in.

"It's with your head bowed, eyes down, and on your knees at the feet of your master. You're incredibly brilliant and talented student, but no matter how good you are you're still a Lesser," he explains as though Izuku hadn't heard it a hundred times before. "You'll never amount to anything spectacular compare to the rest of us. Such is the plight of the quirkless."

Izuku bristles, hands clenching and unclenching at his side but he holds his tongue. If he says the wrong thing again, it'll cost him maybe everything.

It only takes one chance. That's all he need. A reason to get out of the academy's iron grip and its intense scrutiny so he'll have room to breathe and plan his way out of these shackles that bind him.

Freedom on bent knees and a collar around his neck. Oh, the irony.

"I keep that in mind, sir," Izuku murmurs, plastering a smile that he doesn't quite feel on his face. "When will I meet my new master then?"

"Now," the Headmaster says with a wave of his hand toward the exit of his office. "I'll take you to him right this instance."

Izuku jerks in surprise. "So soon?!" he asks. Though he'd long accepted his fate is not his own, but he hasn't been mentally and emotionally prep for a meeting with the man whose name will be carved onto his collar.

The Headmaster purses his lip unhappily. "He wants to meet you right away even though I'd insisted we give it a few days to prepare you first, but he's--" he scrunches up his face in annoyance, "extremely vocal about what he wants. Twenty billion yens will get you a whole lot of favor it seems."

Izuku chokes on air.

Twenty billion yen?! "Is that--" Izuku starts and then stops, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. "I-Is that how much he'd paid for me?"

The Headmaster frowns, scratching his chin as he steers Izuku out of his office. "It's how much he's sponsoring you for."

"Ah, I see," Izuku replies, even though he doesn't see how is that any different. No matter how they may have prettied it up, it's still an exchange of money for a service and in any other world that would be frown upon but here's it's a way of life for the quirkless.

The Headmaster escorts him through the winding halls of the academy where several students--their age vary as young as seven to even older than Izuku at twenty-seven--roam unrestricted in the hallway during their free period.

The campus is a sprawling education complex.

They're always learning to be good, better, for their master. Everything is for their master. From basic domestic skills like cooking and cleaning to learning violin first hand under a maestro, and then there's math and physics. The education here varies and complex.

It's all in service of their master in the future. They must be mold to be whatever their master needed. Trained to be the best so they can serve to the best of their abilities as companion, assistant, and consort. They have to be everything and nothing at all.

Coveted by those who only saw value in the rarity and the novelty of owning a Lesser, Izuku and his kind are ornament pieces meant to decorate the arms of their master but once their master get bored of them, they're quickly discarded and are no longer of any worth.

They are consider a priceless treasure up until the point when they're not anymore. To be treated like a commodity, with no inherent worth until others deem it so, is not the way Izuku wanted to live.

But nobody had given him a choice in that regard. Him and thousands of others like him.

"We're here," the Headmaster says as they stand outside of one of the private VIP rooms where they often entertain special guests visiting the academy. It's a place Izuku had been to many times before, presented to potential sponsors like a piece of meat to be sold.

There's a price on Izuku's head, a price on the head of all the students here. It an arbitrary number, but it's important enough that people have live and die by it. Izuku knows his worth and it has little to do what anyone else think, but it all comes back to money in the end.

Money from sponsorship that lined the pocket of the academy, money that kept Izuku and others collared and trap in their gilded cage and it is ultimately money that brought Izuku right in front of this door to meet the man who will decide his fate. Izuku puts on his warpaint.

He wears an indomitable smile on his face as though it was carved from stone as the Headmaster pushes the door open and leads him in. His eyes flutter shut for a moment and he breathes as he steps forward onto the battlefield with nothing but his wits to guide him through.

The room opens up to marble titles lining the floor, lights cascade down from a crystal chandelier hanging above, several muted grey accent chairs surround a glass coffee table, the walls are painted white on white, and even the rest of the decor stay resolutely neutral in colors.

It's simple, clean cut, and modern. And it left Izuku feeling cold and bereft every time he walk into this room. The only jarring difference this time around is the other person in the room beside him and the Headmaster. His presence alone immediately takes up all the space in Izuku's head and leaves him startlingly breathless and dazed with confusion.

Domineering is a word, Izuku would use. All-consuming is another. It's like stepping into a vortex and getting swept right up in the eye of its storm. A furious red storm that Izuku had been caught in since he was a child, fallen under its spell with a single infuriating glance. It's those same pair of eyes that had looked at him with contempt and scorn back then as though whatever they found of him it was sorely lacking.

The man doesn't rise from his seat and didn't offer a single word, but Izuku knows him, knows him like he knows his own heartbeat. The slope of his shoulders, the wide expanse of his back, the hard plane of his chest, every inch of him Izuku had a glimpsed of on the TV screen, he’d committed it all to memory.

It been more than ten years since they have stood right in front of each other, Izuku had changed since then but so did he. He's taller. Bigger. His presence more pronounce and dizzying in way like he'd finally grown into the great person he always boasted to be.

But then again, he wasn't ever boasting. He had meant every word of it. Believe it like it was a certainty that carried him through every one of decision and action. Izuku have always admired that decisive nature of his and here he is again, appearing before him like a dream made real.

The Headmaster lowers his head slightly in greeting. "Zero-san, I have brought him just as you requested," he says, stepping aside to let Bakugou Katsuki have full view of Izuku like he hasn't been boring a hole in Izuku's head since the moment they'd walked through the doors.

All the training that got him here, he had things he been primed to say, it all went out the window the second Izuku had seen him because nothing had prepared him for this, for reuniting with his former childhood friend again after more than a decade. Bakugou Katsuki is the one person he would have never expected to come here, let alone if it’s for Izuku. The last time they had seen each other, they’d parted with a lot of tears and vitriol thrown at each other.

“—I never want to see you again, you useless nerd! I hate you, I fucking hate you. Go away!”

The marks left over from that fight had never truly healed. Years later, he still carried those bitter words to into his dream, always wondering if he had another chance maybe he could have mended their tattered friendship again. Now, staring into the eyes of the nightmare that had haunted him ever since then, a strange mixture of wariness and curiosity warring within him.

“K-Kacchan—?” he asks, moving in stuttering steps as though he was pulled forward.

“Izuku! What are you doing?!” the Headmaster hisses, scandalized tone leaking into his voice, but Izuku found it was impossible to heed his words. “Stop that now!”

He takes another step and another, and then the collar around his neck constricts and sends a jolt of electricity throughout his body, dropping Izuku to the floor in shock. Izuku’s trembling hands fumble at his collar as he desperately tries catch his breath.

Out of the corner of his panic stricken eyes, he catches the sound of heavy footsteps as Katsuki makes his way to the Headmaster in three long strides. He grabs the Headmaster by the collar of his shirt and shakes him. “What the fuck did you do him, you bastard?!” is the first thing Katsuki says, and it’s so, so fierce and cutting that the words cut through the air like lightning.

Izuku recoils, fear taking hold of him for a second.

The Headmaster’s mask of composure doesn’t slip one bit, not even in the face of a top twenty rank pro-hero. Wordlessly, he carefully removes Katsuki’s hand from his person and smiles reassuringly. “Zero-san, it was just a precaution to control him in case the Lesser acted out. Don’t worry, he’s fine,” he promises, his voice slipping into a melodious and soothing tone.

Right away, Izuku can feel the earlier rise of panic and anxiety stirring inside of him is quickly disappearing under the Headmaster’s emphatic quirk. As a level four, the Headmaster has masterful commands of his quirk that let him use his voice to inject emotions into everyone nearby. It’s one of the many reasons he was left in charge of the Lesser Sponsorship Program because he could easily defuse any complicated situations if it arise to that. “Your merchandise remains unharmed,” he is quick to assure Katsuki, instilling as much calm as he could in those words that Izuku’s head is fuzzy with warmth, choking on a sweet toxic scent and if the Headmaster had asked, Izuku would have walked into fire for him.

But Katsuki is not Izuku, he isn’t defenseless babe against such a measly mind altering quirk. Katsuki snarls, shoving the Headmaster abruptly back. Hastily, he wraps a hand around his biceps, nails digging into his skin as he winces in a pain but whatever he did, he sobers up quickly after that.

A level four quirk user going up against a level six, who had been training and perfecting his power since he was young to able to use it at professional level and fight for his life and the lives of millions of other, is a joke in many ways.

The Headmaster is completely outmatched this time.

“Cut that shit out or I’ll blast a fucking hole in your head,” Katsuki bites out, vicious and meaning every word of it. Both of his palms are crackling with intent.

For once, the Headmaster acquiesces as he steps back and fixes his shirt. He remains cool and unperturbed, but the slightest tremble in his hands says otherwise. “I apologize, Zero-san, if I offended you somehow,” he offers, and slowly the tense air around them clears out.

Izuku can finally breathe properly now as thought a spell was lifted from him.

“Yea?” Katsuki sneers. “And who said you can put a fucking collar on him?! I didn’t tell you to do any of that shit.”

“Sir with all due respect, it’s standard procedure to assure the safety of our clients. We put it on every one of our Lessers when they’re meeting with their potential sponsor for the first time and during their probationary period,” the Headmaster explains as calmly as possible against Katsuki’s rising anger.

“He’s quirkless! What the fuck can he even do to me, huh?! The day I let a loser like him get the better of me is the day my old hag of a mother stop nagging me about useless shit,” Katsuki spits out.

Before Izuku can even let Katsuki’s jab against him sink in, he is drag up from the floor by the arm. Just as he got both feet planted on the ground, Katsuki’s hand reaches for him, his palm hovering right over Izuku’s throat. Eyes wide with shock, Izuku can feel the heat emanating from Katsuki’s touch and he quickly squeezes his eyes, mentally preparing for the pain to come.

It never did. A crackling pop erupts near his ears and he hears nothing else except for the burnt smell of metal teasing at his nose.

He gingerly opens his eyes to see whatever remains of the collar on the floor and Katsuki already retreating several steps back with a scowl on his face. Pawing his hands clumsily at his throat as though to make sure it’s real, his neck feels strangely bare and light for once.

“You won’t be needing this anymore,” Katsuki asserts, but it wasn’t aim toward Izuku.

“That was unnecessary, Zero-san,” the Headmaster rebukes, but he moves no actual move about it. Izuku casts a quick glance at the Headmaster beside him and sees while he’d managed to keep his voice even, he is clearly shaken by the Katsuki’s abrupt and forceful action.

Izuku has no doubt the Headmaster has every reason to be terrified.

Even at eight, Katsuki was rated by the Bureau of Quirk Testing to be a level three, making him leaps and bounds ahead of kids their age. Under the Number System, the government gives the most benefit and support to those people with higher quirk level. In a caste like class system where society value those with active overt quirk that are flashy and useful, Katsuki was already set apart from everyone else a young age. He was already overpowered and talented back then, but it was untrained and wild.

Now, seeing tit up close and personal, the way he had blasted the collar off of Izuku without leaving a single singed mark on him, it was so precise and in control that Izuku can’t help the swell of admiration rising up in him. Their years apart had done wonder for Katsuki’s burning talent. While Izuku was learning to get on bent knees and serving his future master properly, Katsuki was honing his skills and fighting villains in order to keep their world safe. The difference in their two diverging paths is a bitter pill for Izuku to swallow.

He digs his nail in palm as he curl right fist, but his expression doesn’t change. Katsuki’s entire series of action remain a puzzling mystery to him. Izuku knows Katsuki, of the young boy who was once his friend and then nothing at all, but that was back then; he doesn’t know of the man who stands before him now.

Katsuki is silence for a moment, his eyes unflinchingly rakes over Izuku as though he prying apart Izuku piece by piece to see what he is made of. Izuku shrinks into himself unconsciously under the intense scrutiny.

“Fuck this shit,” Katsuki declares finally, breaking the stilted silence, “we’re getting out of here.”

Izuku’s jaw drops in surprise. “W-What?”

“Wait—sir, you can’t take him yet!” the Headmaster interjects quickly.

Katsuki’s head swivel toward him with a glare. “Didn’t you get the money I wired to you?” he demands .

“Well, yes, but there are still paperworks for you to sign,” the Headmaster answers. “And I would like go over our ninety days grace period in case you any sort problem arise or you find our Izuku lacking during that time.”

“No need. Send it all to my lawyers,” Katsuki instructs, and before the Headmaster can get another word wedge in, he takes Izuku by the hand. “Come on.” He drags Izuku forward with a forceful tug. “This entire place creep me the fuck out,” he says, cursing a storm under his breath as they leave behind a disgruntle looking Headmaster, who clearly never dealt with such a whirlwind in the likes of Bakugou Katsuki.

Izuku quietly lets Katsuki drag him of out the room and into the wide hallway, and leads him out across the campus without any further exchange. They didn’t speak much or at all in the VIP room previously, but the things he wanted to say and ask were things he doesn’t know if he could.

It’s all very, very different now. They’re not kids anymore; Katsuki who stands at the pinnacle of society while Izuku is just a lowly Lesser. He doesn’t know what he can hope to expect from this version of a much older and mature Katsuki.

He can only hope to find out in the following days, that is if Katsuki doesn’t send him back right away once he realize Izuku is not what he wanted.

In their silence, they march through one of the big botanic gardens where most of the students congregate in their free time and in their hurry they stir up enough commotion with Katsuki’s recognizable face and fame, and then there’s Izuku’s notoriety.

Loud whispers swirl around them as they make their way the garden.

“Is that Ground Zero?!”

“Wait, what is he even doing here?”

“—and with Midoriya of all people?”

“Did nobody warn him that Midoriya is a defected goods with how many sponsors he had turned over?”

“How much you bet Zero will send him back here in a week.”

“Not even. Watch, it’ll be just three days.”

Izuku grimaces. They haven’t step off the academy yet and the rumors are already running amok. Izuku’s stellar reputation in the academy precedes him once more.

“Ignore those fuckers,” Katsuki hisses, tightening his hand around Izuku’s own as they make it pass the garden and enters the main pathway toward the visitor plaza, where the entrance and exit is tucked away in. “I’ll kick their ass for spouting bullshit if I didn’t want to get out of here as soon as possible. The longer we stay here the more I want to blow up this entire place up.”

Katsuki’s hatred for this place is made obvious, but then why did he even come here in the first place? Is it really for him? But, then why? What did Katsuki even want from him? All these questions dog his step and confuses him even more. But in that moment he realizes there’s something even more important that he was forgetting.

“Kacchan, wait,” Izuku calls out, pulling to a stop.

Katsuki’s arm is yanked back and he too halted in his spot because of Izuku. “What now, Deku,” he snaps, turning around with an impatient expression on his face.

“I have to clean out my dorm first,” Izuku tells him, shifting his foot nervously. “There are things I want to get.”

Katsuki clicks his tongue in annoyance. “Just leave it. Whatever you need I’ll get buy it for you later.” At Izuku’s frown, he sighs. “What other useless things do you even that is important enough to stay at this cesspool any longer?”

Izuku bites down on his lower lip, pauses, and looks away. “My mother’s mementos,” he answers finally.

A beat, then. “Fine, we’ll go get your stuff first but after that you’re coming home with me,” he states, like it’s an unshakeable true. “No more fucking detour, you hear me?”

And that’s all it take, just those few words is all the assurance he need that maybe this wasn’t some cruel joke after all. Home. With Katsuki. He is going home with Katsuki. Katsuki wants him enough to take him home. For what reason, Izuku doesn’t know yet but he takes note that Katsuki hasn’t let go of Izuku’s hand since they’d walked out on the Headmaster.

Katsuki’s hand rough, full of calluses and little cuts and scars, but it’s warm and he holds Izuku’s with immeasurable care. Though Katsuki’s words hadn’t been kind, his hands speak for what couldn’t be translate into words.

This he will trust. In this he hands over his fate to Katsuki, so please, please don’t disappoint him like the rest of the world had. Katsuki has him by the his heartstring and Izuku hopes he doesn’t regret it.

#fic snippet #bakudeku #fic: <

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arlakos · 4 years

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Why Miracle Queen doesn’t make sense. (SPOILERS just in case)

As most of you who have seen my blog know by now, I have found Season 3 to be somewhat of a mess. While having bit of a better writing and episodes overall compared to the rather boring season 2, it also had a lot of disappointing mistakes in terms of character writing and focus, and most episodes which could have been good often had a rather awkward or cringe moment that ruins the episode for me, such as the statue scene in Puppeteer 2. For fans who don't remember, let me remind you:

Now that I’ve mentally traumatized myself looking for this pic, let us continue:

On the topic of episodes, despite any cringey scenes that might be in the episodes, a lot of them are at the very least concise. Sure, the episodes usually have the same generic plot, non-hero moment, angry person, Akuma, hero fight, reset and repeat, but for the most part, they are ok... But even this season, there have been some episodes that have the most stupid plots that don't even make sense. From the horrifying Chameleon episode that had all class characters drop in IQ for the story to work, to the Feast Episode which restored the order of Guardians, but didn’t have them come to Paris to get the box back, there have been some rather stupid episodes...

...But none are more stupid than the Season Finale - Miracle Queen

For an episode that is not only confusing but bad, I could talk about the hundreds of mistakes that are present in episode, but other people can talk about that, or perhaps ill make another post regarding the episodes when I feel like breaking my fingers on my keyboard again, but right now I would like to focus on the 2 main plot holes that absolutely made no sense but ASS-TRUC, the man, the idiot, the infamous twitter legend, decided to do anyway.

So the first plot point I'm gonna talk about is.....

Chloe Bourgeois, aka Miracle Queen

For anyone who hates Chloe bourgeois, this episode would have probably left you jumping for joy, given the fact it pretty much gets her removed from the miraculous team.

For the rest of us, who I assume either like Chloe or find the episodes plot to make no sense, or both, this episode is quite contradictory to the entirety of the season, both because the seasons abnormal focus on Lila and her antics, and because of the fact that previous episodes had Chloe accept the fact that she couldn't become a hero.

In Miraculer, Chloe accepts the fact that she can’t become a hero again. Sure the episode has Chloe be upset at Ladybug, but in the end, she accepted that it was mean to be this way, and definitely shows no trace of wanting to join hawkmoth in any sort of capacity.

Also, a small bit added in from my friend @twin-books, who said this gem of a message:

“ Ah, in Miraculer what she displayed was confidence where she knew she would be Queen Bee again, she didn't doubt herself for a second. Chloe used to doubt herself, used to play the damsel, let others take care of her but this time she said, "No. I am Queen Bee and just because you won't give my comb doesn't make me anything less." Or at least, how I interpreted it. By tearing the photo she was excepting that Ladybug didn't have faith as her as a hero, nor did she ever. That Ladybug ignored her in favor of someone she deemed worthy but Chloe knows she's worthy. She proved her worth and just because Ladybug can't see that doesn't mean she should believe it. It's also interesting how she completely takes it out on Ladybug but is fine with Chat because she knows where she stands with Chat and she may have never liked him but he displayed faith in her. He knew and that might just be what kept her going so she could gain her own confidence. “

So when Chloe is left angry in Miracle Queen because she wasn’t chosen and immediately joins Hawkmoth, it just doesn't make any sense because previous episodes contradict it.

NOW, to be fair, I would have been fine with Chloe joining Hawkmoth if there was a buildup to it. If they Had Hawkmoth come in between the episodes from Miraculer to Miracle Queen to try and persuade Chloe and/or have her doubt Ladybug, then the turn from hero to villain would make sense. Unfortunately, thanks to Ass-truc and his have-every-episode-be-a-single-story-episode-and-have-every-character-reset-fuck-you-continuity episode design, this doesn't happen and having Chloe go from a person who is selfish but at the very least is a hero to a full-on 2-d villain is jarring as shit. It would have made more sense for her to just take the miraculous and go rouge with it, but a full-on villain? C’mon.

Also, there's the fact that for the entire season the show has been pushing Lila to be this over the top manipulator and villain in the day to day lives of the heroes. If they really wanted to have someone be Miracle Queen, why not Lila. It would make sense considering a Miracle is something that happens that it seems so unreal, and given that Lila would probably like her lies to become real it would make sense for her to become Miracle Queen.

Also where the hell was she all episode, she just disappeared out of existence for the entire episode. At least have her come and take the fox miraculous from Alya and have her be a secondary antagonist.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, now for the second plot hole...

The Miracle Box

It. Just. Doesn't. Make. Sense.

But to understand why, let me break it down.

- So due to Hawkmoth almost breaking through the barrier (and for whatever reason decided not to just jump away) Fu transfers ownership of the box to Marinette

-Because of the idiot logic of the show, there can only ever be on Guardian at a time, and because of the transfer, the previous Guardian loses their memories.

-The box also turns into an egg, for whatever reason.

Now, the only thing I dont mind about the whole scene is that the whole Guardian thing is magical in nature. Since Fu can do stuff like detect other Miraculi, it would make sense that the Guardian is more than just a title and has a magical aura around them that makes them a guardian. That being said, there are still a lot of trouble with this scene that rustle my jimmies to heck.

So lets go through the main problems with this plot hole.

-’There can only ever be one Guardian’

Bollocks. The flashback of the order clearly shows multiple individuals. And with the Sandboy episode showing Fu being haunted by a guardian with a female voice (yet also showing a male Guardian in Feast), it clearly shows that there are more than one Guardian in the order.

-’Upon transfer, the previous Guardian Loses their memories’

Again, this also doesn’t make sense. Even assuming that the Guardianship of box needs to have a magical transfer, making the previous Guardian lose their memories because of it makes no sense in the plot of the Miraculous Universe. Maybe it would make sense if the Guardian was but a single man (like in Fu’s case), but it doesn’t make as much sense when you remember the order it comes from.

See, the Order was located in Tibet, high away from the outside world, and the people who were there probably lived there all their life. So knowing these facts, why would it make sense for the previous owner to lose their memories? I can understand someone being a head guardian and then transferring the ownership when their time is up, but it doesn't make sense for them to just forget the order, they live there their entire lives, and would likely do so until their death. And the show implies that this is the actual way the ownership is transferred, and Marinette’s case wasn't a special case of an emergency transfer. It does make sense that the Guardians can remove memories of the order for people who have gone rogue or are expelled, but it doesn't make sense that the memory forgetting is entwined with the transfer of Guardianship.

-’The box turns into an egg, for whatever reason’

I'm not gonna explain it. Its a freaking box. A box that, while well designed, showed no capability of magic power at all for the entirety of the show. ITS A GODDAMN BOX AND IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR IT TO TURN INTO A POLKADOTTED EGG.

Though to be fair, in hindsight, a lot of this plot hole induced stupidity does have a logical explanation for this:

Thomas Astruc and Zag

Or rather, Thomas Astruc and Zag quarrel.

See, when it comes to Ass-truc and his ideal show design, it would have been just simple about Marinette and why she is quote on quote ‘awesome’. thats it. Pretty much every episode would be about Marinette being amazing, everyone loving her and kissing her feet, and nothing goes wrong for her in the same way as every Mary Sue ever written in a fanfic. The only difference being there was no main character to replace.

But Zag was having none of it. While Ass-truc wanted to just show off his OC, Zag wanted an actual show, and so made a lot of changes to it. Chat Noir, who in Astruc original comic idea was a one off character (and possibly a villain) got repurposed by Zag to be the second main character in the show. It also makes sense for every hero to have a mentor, which led to Zag creating Fu. Zag was also responsible for a bunch of other stuff to be added into the shows, such as additional heroes, Chloe becoming a good Guy, etc.

Of course, this made ASS-truc mad because that meant no 100% focus on the ‘goddess’ that is Marinette. So after bullying Zag off twitter via the use of his Stans (rip Zag twitter account- no posts since 2017) and forcing him off the Miraculous team after Season 1 (although this could also just be Zag focusing on other shows), Astruc had free reign to undo all that Zag had done. While Astruc did follow Zag's request due to owning half of the Miraculous license (being the guy that co-produced the show), he often twisted them so that they were skewed or couldn't last. The flashback of the order being destroyed? That was due to Fu being hungry and creating a monster in a plot induced stupidity. Chloe being a good guy? Yeah right, she sabotages a train just to save it and make herself look good, is an asshole regardless and then goes full-on villain. The other new heroes that help Ladybug? Gone, due to the same episode which prompted me to make this post.

Of course, this would impact the ratings of the show, forcing Zag to come back and fix Astruc’s mess in Season 4. Astruc knew that Zag returning would undo all the damage Astruc done to the show. So in a final bid attempt to keep this his way, he rewrote the finale, causing things in the show to actually become permanent and leaving Zag unable to fix anything. Thanks to Ass-truc, Fu is now gone forever, making Marinette the Guardian permanently, all the heroes aside from Ladybug and Chat Noir can’t be heroes anymore (leaving the focus entirely on Marinette), and Chloe now has become an irredeemable villain. All so that Astruc can brag on twitter about how Chloe ‘always was a villain’ and how ‘he was right all along’ despite being the one who wrote the character into existence.

And I’m not lying about this either or making it up. Even in the finale of the season 3 (particularly miracle queen) a lot of the time involves most of the characters standing around listening to dialogue and exposition rather than acting in ways they actually should (such as trying to save Fu or attacking Miracle Queen), no doubt due to the rewrites Astruc did before the finale was released, causing the animation to be very minimal or not making sense as there wasn't time to redo the animation. You can even see it in small amounts in episodes such as Glaciator and Troublemaker.

For me, this will probably go down as one of the worst episodes in the series, even worse than Stormy weather 2, because of its horrible writing, the plot holes it creates, and how much of the episode was designed to cater to Ass-trucs desires rather than designed to actually be a good finale to a season. That's not to say it didn't have good moments (such as dragon Bug and Snake Noir), but the overall episode was just so bad that the bad outweighed the good moments, at least for me. I wonder what Zag will do to fix season 4, but considering the suicide impact on the show Astruc made to make sure the show would remain ‘his way’, i don't have any doubts that it will be a hard challenge ahead of him. Good luck Zag, hope you can fix the mess Ass-truc made.

#Miraculous Ladybug #Season 3 #Miracle Queen #A fair bit of salt #Goddamit Astruc you nuked your own show #Virgin Astruc vs Chad Zag #Plot Induced Stupidity #Plot Holes #Heres to hoping for a better season 4 #Miraculous Ladybug salt

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elliepassmore · 4 years

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The Never Tilting World Review

4/5 stars Recommended for people who like: fantasy, multiple POVs, goddesses, magic, demons, LGBTQ+ romance, strong female leads, kick-ass women, women engineers, disability representation, mental illness representation, characters of color, complex morality I will say that for the most part I really enjoyed this book. The concept is fascinating and the characters and world were splendid. I took off a star because, as nice as it is sometimes to not have every detail of a world explained, with something like magic, it does have to be explained to a certain extent. By-and-large I understand how the 'gates' work, but we're dropped right into the terminology within the first couple of pages without explanation and it was a little confusing and took me a few tries to get at it. Then, I just wasn't a huge fan of Odessa and it does take away from the book a little when you just don't like one of the MCs or narrators, but I'll explain more about Odessa when I get to her. Lan, Tianlan, is the first narrator, so I'm starting with her. She's what's called a Catseye (also something whose we had to figure out figure out ourselves), which means she can heal people or inflict sickness upon them in a form of dual magic. Two sides to every coin, right? I really, really love this idea and think it's a fantastic spin on the typical 'healer' character you see in fantasy. I suppose, theoretically, healers could always turn their magic to use by harming people, in fantasy books healers are relegated to only healing, save for here and in Leigh Bardugo's Grisha and Six of Crows trilogy, where healing and harming are seen as two sides of the same magic, though a person typically has more strength in one than the other, so it doesn't come out quite like it does here. I enjoyed being in Lan's POV because she's caught between wanting to do the right thing by the world that's been plunged into eternal night and also wanting to keep Odessa, her lover, safe. I also thought that Chupeco writing Lan has having PTSD after a pre-book incident was refreshing considering the number of books that just skip over the psychological effects events have on characters. This was also an area where Chupeco turned the 'healer' trope on its head a little, as Catseyes can work with physical illnesses and injuries, but also mental ones, taking on the role of healer and therapist (though obviously not for themselves), so not only do we get to see Lan experiencing PTSD, but we also see her coming to terms with it and seeking therapy-like treatment for it, which is pretty unusual in most novels. Despite being in the 'healer' role and having magic that can infect and destroy if she wishes, Lan is also skilled with a blade and hand-to-hand combat and has something of a quick temper. She's definitely the 'protector' type more than anything else and is striving to make sure everyone comes out alright in the end. Odessa comes next, because I'm grouping the characters based on where they're from and Lan and Odessa are both from Aranth. Odessa is one of the daughter-goddesses in the novel who is unaware her twin is alive. She has some kind of chronic illness that prevents her from being very active without tiring out and that Catseyes have been able to treat but not cure. In the beginning Odessa seems like she'll be a pretty good character, a little too doe-eyed and teary for my tastes, but has plenty of potential. Then she starts to get bratty and doesn't seem to have the ability to logically think things through. From a writing standpoint I really appreciate how complex Chupeco makes Odessa and I think within the plot it's super fascinating. It's even explained to us toward the end why Odessa made the sudden turn from teary-but-okay-princess to brat-with-little-rationale, so I appreciate the cleverness of how the reason was woven throughout Lan and Odessa's chapters for us to find but maybe not pinpoint exactly. However, the great reasoning behind it doesn't stop me from not liking Odessa. The weird power-imbalance Odessa has going on with Lan and their relationship that I'm not a huge favor of. They love each other, great, fantastic, I believe that and I actually think they make a great couple in the beginning of the novel. They certainly have a better set-up for a romance than Arjun and Haidee do, though their 'love' is only marginally slower moving, but I'm just a teeny bit uncomfortable with the power imbalance of Odessa being a goddess/princess and Lan being the person assigned to guard and protect her. It's one thing when Lan is serving the crown in some general 'technical' sense and the two of them are in a relationship and it's another thing entirely when Lan is serving Odessa and her mother directly. It would be better, I think, if Lan wasn't serving directly under Odessa or it was like Lan's previous relationship where both girls were rangers. While Lan has no issues disregarding Odessa's commands, the imbalance is still there and becomes a bit of a problem later, but is never fully addressed, so I'm not sure how I feel about that or about some of the scenes with Lan and dark!Odessa. The relationship has the potential in the beginning and it is, for the most part good, but then once the difference in rank and power becomes clearer and Odessa becomes darker I get just a little uncomfortable with it. Haidee is the other daughter-goddess and she lives in the Golden City on the always-day side of the planet. She's what's called a 'mechanika' in the world, but what we would classify as an engineer. She's quick on her feet, fiery, stubborn, and extremely empathetic. In one of her very first scenes she's crying over a days-dead whale, if that's any indication. As much as I love her determination, smarts, and stubbornness, her ignorance of the world and optimistic attitude do grate on my nerves at times. She's just a bit too happy-go-lucky in some instances, though it largely works out for her. I will be fair, Haidee is one of my favorites, but I feel like Chupeco set things up so that Haidee would always have things work out for her and it seems a bit too obvious at times. Despite my dislike of Odessa, things go wrong for her, sometimes very wrong, and while things do occasionally go wrong for Haidee and seem like they'll be bad, I don't ever really get the full-on sense of dread like I do with Odessa. Arjun and Haidee meet by the whale and their first scene involves them trying to kill each other. Naturally, he becomes her love interest. Arjun is, hands down, the funniest person in the entire book. He has a very dry sense of humor and can be extremely sarcastic. He follows along with the idea of prophecies and with Haidee's ideas a little to mellowly for what I'd been expecting given our introduction to him, which I think says more about the whole 'everything works out for Haidee' but than about him. I also enjoy that Arjun decided to go with a prosthetic magical rifle after he lost his hand (not a spoiler, it happened pre-book). I don't know how they engineer the things they do in the desert, but I just found it amusing that instead of engineering a hand or hook or knife or something they went with a rifle that could channel his fire magic. It really fits his personality, honestly. While Arjun's and Haidee's romance is definitely more power-balanced than Lan's and Odessa's, there are still some holes in it. Mainly that they meet and fall in love within the span of the book, which I'm pretty sure takes place over, like, a month. I love fantasy and dystopian, and sci-fi, but oh my god I am getting sick of the quick romances. Chupeco did a decent job of showing why they fell in love and how they respected each other and became friends before they fell in love, but it's still only been a month. Sorry, but I know 19-year-olds, being one and being in college, and I'm just really not certain that your 'month to love' romance is gonna last. There are different depths to love and you can love more than once, but the insta-true-love, will-survive-anything has just, for some reason, been getting on my nerves lately. Maybe in a couple months or years I'll be fine with it again, but right now I'm just not a fan, even if I do like the characters together. The mythology and general world-building in the book is also something I enjoyed. Chupeco keeps the ideas of duality, sacrifice, and "a demoness is what they call a goddess that men cannot control" going throughout the book. It centers around two young goddesses whose mother(s) are goddesses and a world that somehow stopped spinning and split into only-night and only-day, so there's obviously a lot of mythology and magic going into the base of this book. Since the 'Breaking,' as they call it, neither mother-goddess has really told the twins much about previous generations of goddesses. Odessa gets more of an education about it than Haidee does, but both are still largely left in the dark about their world's mythology, which allows Chupeco to reveal it to the reader in a way that feels natural without info-dumping. There's a lot to do with goddesses, prophecies, and rituals that starts to get unpacked in this one, but which mainly sets up for the sequel. I'm super interested in learning more about the goddesses and rituals in the next book and have plenty of theories regarding them. The duality piece of things is interesting, because you don't necessarily recognize it in the beginning or even halfway through the book. It was more toward the end that I began to see what Chupeco was doing with the night-day, ill-healthy, healer-'plague-giver' sort of balance. The goddesses are twins, as all goddesses before them have been, and that set-up is a fantastic literary device for setting up dualities. You can have the good twin vs. the evil twin, the knowledgeable vs. the ignorant, and so many other varieties, and Chupeco plays with a bit of each in each twin. Odessa knows more about their past from the start, but it's Haidee who learns more about it and their world on the way. Odessa starts out as the chronically-ill sister, but Haidee ends up drained and exhausted. Odessa becomes more and more morally complex and dark but still has soft spots, Haidee is blindingly optimistic but has moments of destructive rage. They're set up to mirror and foil one another, yet each still comes together in the end and finds strength in knowing their twin. The girls are quite similar even though the book sets up a lot of their differences. Without giving too many spoilers I can say that this is 100% reflected in where the plot takes us and the things that are revealed. In terms of world-building I thought Chupeco gave us very distinct settings, creatures, and peoples. The night-side of the world is described as very rainy and cold, with threats of storms, kraken, and icebergs. Though Lan and Odessa are only in the city for a short period of time, I remember the impression I got of it. Old bookstores, tall buildings, dreary because of the rain. This is set against the next setting Lan and Odessa experience, which is the borderlands near the Abyss. While these lands are still dark, there's more foliage described as well as eerie lakes, currents made of air that are strong enough to hold ships, and creatures of darkness and shadow. It is also here where the sky begins to lighten as they move closer to the Abyss and the always-day side of the world. This is even more different from the settings Arjun and Haidee encounter. The desert is vast and deadly, full of dangerous scorpions, an acid sea, and a sea of sand complete with sand-dolphins and sand-sea creatures. The desert is full of raiders and nomadic clans instead of shadow people, but the former can be just as deadly. The Golden City is more steampunk than the night city, Aranth, is described to be. It also seems to be full of snootier people than Aranth does, and all-in-all, despite it being a city run by a twin goddess with a twin goddess daughter, Haidee's city is a very different city from the one Lan and Odessa left. Then there's Inanna's Temple and the Abyss itself, which remind me of dawn and pure darkness, respectively, but still have their own distinct feelings and descriptions. It's very easy to get immersed in the world Chupeco has created here and it's one of those rare world-building experiences that makes me wish I could see it artistically rendered. The Never Tilting World is a good book with unique, distinct characters each with their own strengths and weaknesses that are explored throughout the book. Chupeco writes the characters relatively realistically, meaning they deal with physical and mental trauma as well as tough decisions they sometimes respond to poorly. The Arjun-Haidee romance felt kind of rushed and the Lan-Odessa romance felt like it had a power-imbalance I wasn't 100% comfortable with. Since there is another book, however, and since the Lan-Odessa romance had a lot more promise in the beginning than the middle and end, I'm hoping it'll get itself sorted out. I also dinged the book's score because of terminology that we're left to figure out for ourselves that really would've been better if it had just been explained outright. Definitely think it's a good read, though and would recommend picking it up if you enjoy fantasy.

#book #book recommendations #book review #fiction #ya fiction #fantasy #scifi #multiple pov #rin chupeco #disability representation #women of color #lgbtq #lgbtq representation #lesbian characters #magic #grey morals

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giapism · 4 years

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January Reading Updates

Since we’ve just reached the end of the first month of 2020, I thought I’d take some time to share with you all what I’ve been reading and also write a short review about each book (else I’ll completely forget what I read by the end of the year...) The books are listed in the order that I completed them in.

(*): Read in Vietnamese

1. American Gods - Neil Gaiman

Neil is perhaps my favorite storyteller ever, and he particularly excels in building strange yet captivating worlds that do a great job of making humans seem more human than ever, despite the fact nothing remotely conforming to the human-norm happens (except marriage problems--I suppose even gods and demi-gods are dumb motherfuckers when it comes to love.)

American Gods follows Shadow, a widower freshly released from jail as he tags alongside a suspiciously rich “Mr. Wednesday” (later revealed to be an undercover God), on a quest to convince the old, forgotten Gods of America to rise up and fight the new Gods (Technology, Media etc.) The book pulls up many characters from Irish, Norse, Hindu, Slavic, African and Egyptian folklore and so on, and offers a very refreshing take on religion in modern society. Although Gaiman didn’t dive deep into any specific culture, it’s a helpful start to continue learning about religion and folklore all over the world. There is a lot of information and I can only imagine how painstaking the research process must have been.

Genre-wise, I don’t think this book fits into any at all. There’s history, fantasy, horror, maybe some thriller too. The idea of a giant war with hundreds of Gods is very ambitious, so the book does get a little messy and all-over-the-place at times. I’d call it “jigsaw-puzzling”, though, you’re given lots of information that doesn’t seem to make sense, but gradually everything comes together at the end and I absolutely love getting to the end and exclaiming “OH! So THAT’S what it was about” I find that the suspense-building in this book very well-done, too. The only criticism I have is that the ending felt a bit... lacking. You had all this build up, this gigantic feud, but everything’s resolved so simply you almost feel cheated. Or maybe I just have something against how Armageddon-type stories (where 2 sides fight to death) keep ending. Other than that, considering how hard this topic is to write about, I’m flabbergasted at how well Neil pulled it off.

Overall rating: 8/10

2. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson

Everyone was raving about it so I had to give it a go. For those of you who don’t know, this is a self-help book aiming to show you how to re-purpose your life, communicate effectively and live productively. Surprisingly, it only took me 2 afternoons to finish (I always find self-help books are easier to read than fiction, don’t know why). It’s written very informally and feels more like a humorous conversation with a loving but foul-mouthed friend, which makes it easy to digest whether you’re a 10th grader being peer-pressured to apply to US Colleges or a 53-year old electrician just realising you actually wanted to be a novelist. The only requirement for the the advice to be useful is that you kind of need to mess up a lot.

However, I found that there weren’t that many new things in the book. Mostly, it just reminded us of the things we already knew but consciously (or subconsciously) decide to shove under the carpet, OR put into words things we kind of already think, but don’t know how to explain. There is, no doubt, lots of helpful advice but like all self-help books, I find it too much to remember (unless you’re going to re-read it 20 times), and when I finished, out of the dozens of pieces of advice I only remembered one, “People who make changes aren’t flashy and don’t about what they’re going to do a lot. They just do it.” And from then on I shut up about my plans and just worked on them. Everyone’s going to have their own takeaways relevant to their lives, and I’d encourage you to read it just to see if you can find anything interesting. If out of 20 things, you remember 2-3 things that work for you, that’s still a win.

What I enjoyed the most was actually reading the stories/examples of real people at the beginning of each chapter before getting into the “lecture” part.

Overall rating: 6.9/10

3. Dracula - Bram Stoker

A classic in gothic horror. I actually started reading this last year and the first third of the book telling Jonathan’s fearful stays at Count Dracula’s castle had me hooked - it’s written in beautiful, elegant language which we hardly ever hear anymore, and does such a wonderful job conveying the characters’ fears, thoughts and emotions. But the moment Jonathan leaves the castle and the book switches to other characters’ stories, it just got so long and boring that I stopped reading for 3 months altogether and forgot which character was which because there were so many men. The “dull chapters” stretch on for at least a quarter of the book, and things only get interesting again when Dracula returns to the story and certain characters start turning into vampires. The rest of the story follows the “heroes” as they try to defeat the Count and bring peace to his victims, and although many parts are suspenseful and very clever, the ending is also so easily achieved that it’s a bit of a downer.

The whole book is written in diary entrees, journal entrees and letters of different characters (I’ve only read single-person diaries before) which was surprisingly pleasant in that you feel like you know the characters and by the end, you grow quite fond of them. It even inspired me to start keeping a diary again. It also made me start speaking like an old Englishman for the few days after completion, because I hadn’t really shaken off the language yet. Everyone seemed to be much more caring towards each other in those days, and through the letters I picked up some romantic phrases of which my favorite has been “And so, as you love me, and he loves me, and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb, I send you simply his ‘love’ instead.” Lovely, isn’t it?

Overall rating: 7/10

4. Days at Morisaki Bookstore / Những Giấc Mơ Ở Hiệu Sách Morisaki - Satoshi Yagisawa*

I’m not sure of the popularity of this book, it seems quite lowkey but has a surprising amount of reviews on Good Reads and even has a film adaptation. I happened to find it on my bookshelf and finished it in one afternoon (it was only 150-ish pages.)

Genre-wise, I’d call it Slice of Life although I don’t know if books are even allowed to be called that, or just anime. There is generally no real plot, only character development as Takako (main character) gets dumped by her cheating boyfriend and moves into her uncle’s antique bookstore to re-charge, gradually finding herself learning to appreciate books and the people around her. It’s a very simple storyline, and there’s almost nothing very special about the main character, but maybe that’s what makes it a relaxing read - because in reality, most humans aren’t the special snowflakes and oddballs we think. Admittedly, I started off finding Takako very annoying, but as she grew through the story, I found myself empathizing with her. For me, the book is a reminder to take things slower in life, remember to recharge and learn to see the beauty in simple things around you. It had a happy ending, too. Good for lazy reads, you don’t really have to think much - just sit there with a nice cup of tea and go with the flow.

Overall rating: 7/10

5. The Oldest Parents With The Youngest Child / Những Tháng Năm Rực Rỡ - Ae-ran Kim*

I. Loved. This. Even now it’s left me with a tumble of emotions that I don’t even know how to describe, and I can say for sure that it’s made it to my list of favorite books of all time.

The story recounts the life of a 17-year-old boy with progeria (a disease that makes his body age 4x as fast as a regular person, meaning he has the body of an 80-year-old) and his parents, who had him when they were 17. It talks of the struggles of teen parents learning to cope with an unintended pregnancy, their financial and mental hardships raising a child whilst also battling his illness, and also of the main character’s steel-hard resilience and love for life despite his condition. It actually made me feel ashamed of myself for being perfectly healthy, but not being as curious and hungry to learn, and most of all, to have a perfectly functioning laptop and not be writing. Other than that, it also humanizes persons with disabilities, showing that they too can fall in love, get anxious when ghosted and want to sneakily drink alcohol despite being underaged - anything a typical 17 year old might do. After this book, for the first time in a long time I felt that every aspect of life was truly wonderful and that I was lucky to be here. I also made a list of 30 challenges to do these coming months, to understand and enjoy life more and will keep you updated on my progress.

Even though the book is written from the perspective of a boy with progeria, the author herself is a perfectly healthy woman in her 40s (who did a lot of research before writing, I’m sure). Yet somehow she’s able to tell the story so vividly, convincingly and emotionally that I feel like I’m in his body, living his life and feeling his disappointment and excitement. The tone is so natural, so nonchalant it just feels like a leaf smoothly riding the breeze down the the ground. Reading this book, I’m reminded again of how powerful a tool literature is in sharing ideas, bridging humans and building empathy. I’m in awe of not just the main character for pushing through his difficulties the way he did, but also of the author for writing something so powerful it changed the way I looked at life. It makes me want to write stories like this one day, too. I just don’t know what to say about this book other than I really loved it.

Overall rating: 9/10

And that’s it for this month! I’ve only just gotten back on track with reading and remembering how fun it is. Hopefully someone will find this helpful and maybe pick up one of these books. I’ll see you guys next month!

#book review #american gods #the subtle art of not giving a f*ck #dracula #my brilliant life #kim aeran #days at morisaki bookstore #reading list #eng #books

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sooghostwriter · 5 years

Text

Bodyguard

Pairings: Do Kyung Soo x OC

Genre: Mature, Romance, Angst, now with fluff, (But not love angst), Smut bb!!

Warnings: Main character under trauma.

Summary: Ae Ra is a singer who has been receiving threatening messages and letters for a while now, but she didn’t give them importance. Until one day the sender decides to act and kidnaps her. It’s then when her agency decides that she needs protection, so they hired two bodyguards for her. Mister Do and Mister Park.

Chapter 6

He was planning on driving to the other side of Seoul, to his apartment. On his way he called Chanyeol, the police and Ae Ra’s manager. She was sitting next to him in the car. Still in shock, silent with her stare lost somewhere. He held her hand the entire time to calm her down and to remain calm himself. They arrived at his home in less than an hour. He checked the entire time if someone was following the car. But even if they did, he lived in an apartment complex with three towers, a hundred flats each and security 24 hours. Good luck to them getting in and finding him.

Ae Ra followed everything he said. Get out, come here, stay there, follow me. She did it automatically. She didn’t move if he didn’t tell her to do so. She was still gone. He hadn’t heard a word from her since they left her house. He pulled her inside his flat, holding her as she took off her shoes. He guided her to the kitchen and gave her a glass of water. She held it, but her hands looked weak, shacking. As she drank from her glass, Kyung Soo called Chanyeol to inform him about their current situation. He was at Ae Ra’s house with the cops “We have been looking for the letter, but is not here” Kyung Soo was puzzled. He was sure he saw Ae Ra dropping it to the floor. Or maybe that people got inside the house as they left and took the letter. He turned around to check on Ae Ra and saw her hand move to the back pocket of her pants. She had it “I will call you later Chanyeol, Miss Ji needs me” He hung up before hearing an answer and pulled the piece of paper from her pocket “They need it Ae Ra, this could have fingerprints” “No, no! they can’t see it, it could get you in trouble” “Ae Ra, that doesn’t matter” “No Kyung Soo! This could cost you your job, and also, they are not stupid, they must have worn gloves, the only fingerprints here are mine” That made sense, and also he wasn’t going to get in an argument with her now “Kyung Soo…they wanted to shoot you, they wanted to hurt you, because of me” He knew her head was going to go there, that was the first thing he feared when he saw the contents of the letter. She was going to blame herself for this. He wanted to deny it quickly. To erase that idea from her head, but it was too late.

Ae Ra felt her heart racing dangerously fast as her own words sunk in her head. They were behind him, because of her. Her body felt hot suddenly. She started to sweat and shake uncontrollably. Her vision became distorted and her body felt limp, like a wet noodle. Before she met the ground, Kyung Soo had lifted her and sat her on a hard surface. The movement made her feel dizzy, and her ears had this cacophonic resonance. He could hear him speak, but his words made no sense. Her breathing kept getting faster, and she was about to hyperventilate when she felt something cold against her stomach. She felt something come to a halt inside of her. The cold feeling kept her distracted. Then she felt something cold on her hands, and a distant voice giving instructions “Put your hands here” She heard “I’m here, can you feel me?” She felt something. She felt him. His hands guiding hers to his shoulders “Focus on me Ae Ra” She did, she gave her best effort, but everything was still so blurry “Look at me” He ordered again, and she felt two cold hands maneuvering her head. She was finally able to distinguish something. His eyes. His dark, big eyes were the first thing that she could see clearly, close to hers “Don’t panic Ae Ra, I’m here with you, I need you to remain calm, grounded, here with me” Ae Ra’s hearing and vision became clear again. The cold feeling in her stomach helped her regain her normal pulse. Her heart bit went down a notch, and her breathing was slowly coming back to normal “I’m here, sorry” She whispered, sure that her voice wasn’t going to reach him. But it did. He pulled her into a hug, breathing next to her ear, helping her to even out the rhythm of her own breathing. His embrace wasn't too tight, to not suffocate her, but it was still protective “Where are we?” She asked him, snuggling in his hug, because why not, he was offering after all “At my place” Ae Ra’s body jolted as if electrocuted. She moved away from him, sure that the surprise on her face was a bit too much “Your place? You brought me to your house?” “Yeah, we are safe now” “I know, and thank you, but Kyung Soo! What if they were following us, now they know where you live!” He smiled warmly at her “Stop worrying about me, and for who you take me for? Of course, I made sure no one was following us” “Kyung Soo, what are we going to do about the letter?” He ponderated it for a while, looking down, focused. She was growing anxious “Let’s wait, and also, the letter wasn’t the most important part of this, you get seven letters a week, one more is not gonna change anything. If they ask, the letter disappeared” Ae Ra nodded in agreement. Kyung Soo sounded so definitive and confident that she didn’t think it twice and was on board with the plan. Still, she had questions. How they got that picture? They were spying on her? Was her house tapped? Half of her wanted to know, the other half wanted to be swallowed and don’t think about it. Her body was finally coming back to normal. Her senses were back, her heartbeat too. It was a little faster than usual, but that was Kyung Soo’s effect, not the panic attack. She realized how much taller she felt now. Her chin was at the same level that Kyung Soo’s forehead and it was weird, he was only a couple of centimeters taller than her, but still taller. She looked around her and realized that she was sitting on top of the kitchen counter “You were about to fade, I had to” He explained before she could ask anything “It’s ok, I just realized that I wasn’t standing, this…I don’t mind about this position” She commented. She wanted to sound flirty, feeling just a tiny bit flustered by their current position, but she ended up sounding nervous and shaky. Kyung Soo’s eyes moved down, and he looked in surprise how he was standing in between her legs. Not right in between, her knees were resting next to his hip bones, but enough to make him move away surprised. He excused himself saying he was going to bring her some water and left her there disappointed. But these weren’t the times to be thinking about that.

But they kind of were. Or at least her mind kept repeating that to herself. After every traumatic experience, came Kyung Soo with something that would make her forget about it. Of course, he didn’t do it on purpose, but that made no difference. Kyung Soo prepared her a light meal and a cup of tea and as she ate, he called Chanyeol. They talked for a while. She didn’t know what Chanyeol was saying but Kyung Soo was very serious, and then shy, and then serious again, and finally angry at his partner, angry but blushing. And the only thing she could think about was how cute he looked and how grateful she was for all these feelings. An hour ago, she was petrified on the car seat, thinking obsessively about all the possible scenarios. Everything that could come out wrong. How that letter could hurt him. How unsafe she felt. How nothing got better. How they kept getting closer and closer and she still didn’t know where her attacker was or why he was attacking in the first place. Then she started having the panic attack. Probably the first panic attack of her life. But know she could only think about how cute Kyung Soo’s surprised face was. And how brave he was. How handsome he was. How trustworthy he was. How sexy he was. And she stopped herself there. This wasn’t the right time.

Kyung Soo reproduced all the information Chanyeol gave him. The security camera that Chanyeol installed at her door captured two people, a man and a woman getting in her house, and leaving only 10 minutes before Kyung Soo and Ae Ra arrived. They stayed inside for about 5 minutes. The CCTV cameras outside her house captured the car they were using, plate and a clear shot of the driver and her companion. It was her attacker. They compared it with the picture his mom had given them, and it was him. Now they were looking for him. Kyung Soo spoke slowly and calmly, but it was still a lot of information. This thing was always too much for her. She felt like ignoring everything until they finally catch him and his companion. She told that to Kyung Soo afraid of sounding too selfish, but he understood it. He honestly did “Thank you Mister Do” He laughed at the way she called him. By know, he had grown used to being called by his name. He liked it when she did it. She had finished her dinner, she didn’t eat all of it, but more than he had expected. He couldn’t blame her. He wasn’t hungry either. That bad feeling, he had the entire day was gone, because the worst had happened. They knew where she lived, they spied on her and they broke into her house. He was so terrified of what they could do to her now. How they went from shooting her to leave a threatening message regarding him. They just wanted to hurt her, physically and mentally. Kyung Soo felt this burning violent need to find them and god helped him, let them alive. He knew that that man wasn’t in complete control of his actions, he was sick after all, but the more they did, the less he cared about his mental illness. He wasn’t Ae Ra after all, his first thought was to let them die in jail, not provide them with the medical attention they need. But when she said that, he couldn’t avoid the warm feeling wash over him. A mixture of proudness and love. She was caring like that. She didn’t have to, but she was, and he loved her for that. His cellphone rang again, and it was his boss “Let her stay there with you” He ordered after Kyung Soo informed him about the current situation “At least until police say is safe for her to go to her house, or they find a safer place” “Understood” “And Mister Do, you are doing a great job” He thanked him, feeling a bit guilty. Yes, a great job, and also getting emotionally involved with the client. Brilliant job. Kyung Soo wasn’t going to think about that guilt now though. It wasn’t the right time. Ae Ra saw the time on his cellphone, and it was almost midnight. She was far from tired. Sleeping was going to bring nightmares for sure, so her brain was probably protecting her from that. Kyung Soo looked the same. Especially after talking with his boss “Are you feeling better?” “Yeah, I'm still worried, but ok, you said everything is going to be alright and I believe you” “Good, because is true” Her nose crunched at how cute he sounded and looked “I know, I trust you, whatever you say or do is ok with me” “You do have a blind trust on me” “I do” He turned around, facing her “Why?” That was an easy question “How not to? You have always been honest with me, always thinking about what's best for me, even if you had to be hard, you take care of me” He laughed adorably, shaking his head in embarrassment. Of course, he wasn’t going to take the compliment “You should go to sleep Miss Ji” “I'm not tired” It came out more childish than she intended “Me neither” Ae Ra went silent again. Her stare was lost on the TV in front of her and he kept staring at her. He felt like she wasn’t telling him everything. She still looked uncomfortable. A bit pale. Her fingers were playing with the remote control. He always had to press her to let all out with him uh? “Miss Ji, please tell me” “If I was bad, I would tell you” She sounded like a spoiled teenager on his ears, he really liked that “Really?” “Yes, and Mister Do, look…I’m a simple girl, right now more than what happened, what is in my head is the fact that I’m in your house for the first time…Where I'm sleeping by the way?” He shrugged and looked over to a closed door just next to the TV “In my bed” Kyung Soo was amused and a bit terrified by her reaction. Beaming was the right word to describe it “Not with me Miss Ji” He clarified immediately. She pouted cutely “I know Mister Do, I was just trying my luck, but isn't this the right opportunity to share a bed? Like on TV! What's the worst that could happen?” He sounded exasperated when he answered. She was having a bit of fun “How can you ask that?!” She looked at him faking ignorance “Miss Ji, I'm not the best one controlling myself around you, and you don't make things hard for me either” “So you think that the worst thing that could happen is us having sex” He jolted and avoided her stare “Yes” “That's where you are wrong, that could be the best thing that could happen right now” “It’s too soon” Now she was the one exasperated “Wow, that’s amazing Mister Do, look I have so many ways to answer you and convince you, but I'm not doing it” Like how she already had written an entire record about him. He only laughed shyly, and that was good enough for her, as she was feeling better, he was relaxing too “I promise you that I'm not trying to imply anything with this but…can I have a shower?” “Of course, I will get you some clothes” He got up and disappeared through the door next to the TV. She had already lost interest on what they were showing in the TV and was now looking at his figure move around the room, flustered and blushing. He came back some minutes later, with a couple of sweatpants and a sweater for her to wear and a clean towel. She thanked him and went inside the bathroom. But before she went in, she stopped at the door and looked at him with resolve, her eyes clear and wide “Kyung Soo, I know you are reticent to the idea of sleeping with me, you think is too intimate, but we have been more intimate than that, you have seen me at my worst and my weakest, and I don’t even think I have allowed myself to see me like that, so please don’t be so quick to judge what we could have” She didn’t allow him to answer. She got inside the bathroom, without closing the door. When he heard the water running, he was finally able to close his open mouth, breath again and walk outside the room.

He wasn’t completely reticent to the idea though. They could sleep together. Just sleep. With what just happened at her house, he knew she could need some physical support. He knew how good he was for her mental wellbeing. But he knew himself well. He had already kissed her twice, and he initiated both. He knew that if Ae Ra made the slightest suggestive move, it was over for both of them. He was going to attack.

He was busying himself at the kitchen when he heard her steps behind him “I’m going to bed Mister Do, the shower relaxed me, and I may be able to sleep” He turned around and he regretted it immediately. What was he thinking when he gave her his clothing? He had to pick the coziest and cutest clothing that he had, right? Ae Ra immediately saw the change in his eyes, his blown out pupils avoiding her stare. This was so much fun. Being like by someone and like that person back. Watching the effects that an oversize sweater and a loose ponytail can have on them. Watch them loss of words just because you are wearing their clothing. This was definitely going into her new record “Mister Do?” She called him, and he shook his head and blinked the stupor away “I was asking you if it is ok for me to go to bed now” “Yes! Yes, of course” He walked past her into his room and she followed him curiously. He closed the curtains, turned on the light on the nightstand, and opened the covers for her “I changed my bed yesterday so don’t worry, if you need anything I will be in the couch, please Miss Ji, if something happens, just call me, ok?” She got inside the bed, sinking into the soft pillows feeling suddenly so warm and protected, sensing a good night sleep “Ok Mister Do, thank you, don’t worry too much though” He grinned and tucked her in “Impossible” He said, a smile still lingering on his lips. And then there was silence, uncomfortable and long silence. He didn’t move away, he kept holding the covers, just looking at her and her hair splayed over his pillows. Then his hand, with a mind of its own move up and caressed her cheek, his thumb taking in her warmth and softness. He could feel her pulse, fast and loud. But she didn’t look scared or nervous. She looked inviting and comfortable “You are not giving me a good night kiss?” His face lit up with a big smile, unable to control his laugh. She was always so good with words “Just one, don’t try anything” She faked innocence and waited expectantly for him. But it was more natural than he would have expected. Move down, hold her face and find her lips. It came naturally for him to do it. He should have known better though. Ae Ra did try something. Of course she was going to. He was going to give her a peck, just a tiny kiss, but she had better plans. As soon as his lips touched hers, her arms move over his neck, like pythons, locking him in. Since when was she so strong? And her lips didn’t behave either. She opened her mouth, pillowing his lower lip between hers, liking it hot and slow.

He was a simple man too. A minuscule part of his brain was shouting at him to stop this. But it didn’t have an effect on him. He kissed her back. And after half a minute she moved away stopping the kiss. She gave him a chance to stop this, to run away. But he moved closer, pulling her back into a kiss. She sighed happily, smiling into the kiss. Their kiss became deeper and hungrier and soon it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted to feel more of him, so she moved one of her hand down and under his t-shirt. She felt his surprise in the kiss, but he didn’t stop her. His skin felt warm under her touch and he shuddered when she let her fingers run over it. Suddenly, he broke the kiss. She didn’t allow him to move away though “Miss Ji” He complained, trying to lift his body to free himself “Hmm?” Hmm?! How could she just say Hmm? After she had just stuck her tongue in his mouth. Ae Ra already knew what he was going to say, but it still disappointed her “We can’t do this” “I know Kyung Soo, I know” She took the pleasure to say his name. She was always careful of not saying it in front of other people, but now it was only them, and those two words rolled out of her mouth with so much ease “I know, and I'm so sorry, I know how hard this must be for you, and If we don’t handle it well it can bring us problems, but I need it, please take me and make me forget…make me feel calm and safe, please” Her short, but desperate speech worked on him. He dropped his body on the bed, half of his body on top of her. His arms moved under her, hugging her back. He brought her closer, decisively, and placed his lips so close to hers she could almost taste them “It's my job to make you feel safe” Kyung Soo only needed to kiss her. She was right on the edge and his kiss will seal it. So he kissed her. Because he wanted it too, so badly, and anyway anything he could do with Ae Ra would bring consequences, so he will rather deal with the consequences of taking her, kiss her and make love to her could bring him. In his head, he imagined a sloppy, out of control kiss, but it came out softer than that. He kissed and nibbled her lips without rest. Her hands were on his shoulders, his neck, his arms, the sides of his face. She caressed his shaved head over and over again. He loved it. She didn’t want to let go, not after everything they’d been through. They both deserved this. At least one night where it was just about them. Outside his apartment, the world could blow out, this night they wouldn’t care about it. And Ae Ra, Ae Ra had been waiting for years to feel this, to experience this with someone worthy, with someone who made her feel at peace but restless at the same time. With someone who was the embodiment of home. With someone who was trustful, beautiful inside and out and with someone who made her feel this overwhelming amount of love. She had been waiting all these years for him. She let him go for a second, opening the covers, letting him in. He sank into her warmth, with one arm around her waist and the other holding her head, maneuvering it to the side so he could kiss her neck. Her scent knocked him out for a second, it was a mixture between his peach soap and her natural scent. From now on, whenever he took a shower, he was going to be reminded of this and it will make him crave her, he was sure of that. Kyung Soo’s lips felt so hot against her neck, sending electricity down her body. The moan she released surprised both of them, but mostly him. Kyung Soo detached himself from the patch of skin he was working on and kissed her cheek once, meeting her eyes “I’m scared” He confessed, and she could understand “Of what?” “What if we do it and I end up liking it” She chuckled, holding Kyung Soo’s serious face between her hands “Kyung Soo, are you afraid that the sun will come out tomorrow?” He looked at her with a cute frown “What do you mean?” “Why are you afraid of the obvious? That’s what I mean” Kyung Soo started laughing, resting his forehead against hers “That is the best I have hear in years” “I’m a lyricist, what can I say?” Kyung Soo kept laughing. Not only because of her words but also due to his own silliness. Everything felt so natural and easy now. She was nervous, for sure, but she wasn’t intimidated or scared by such a new experience. Kyung Soo held her against him, his fingers slipping under her t-shirt to find her silky skin, warm and inviting. She moaned, the most perfect sound, arching against him. Ae Ra copied his moves and got the same response from him, so sensual. She pressed her body against his, he had to know how badly she wanted him. Kyung Soo kissed her again, but cut the kiss short “Ae Ra, are you sure?” She nibbled her bottom lip, biting down her amusement “Dear god Kyung Soo, really? Aren’t you looking at me right now? Do I look like someone who’s not sure?” “No, you don’t, you look really… eager” “Then why did your hands stop caressing me?” Kyung Soo laughed again, and she was surprised at how attractive that was. Everything he did, all his reactions caused some kind of attraction on her. And his shy smile was definitely her weakness. Slipping out of her arms, Kyung Soo got up from the bed, ignoring her complaint. He went into the bathroom and looked inside the cabinets for a condom. He came back holding it proudly, he was very relieved he had a box in the back of one of the drawers. Not that he needed a full box. Of course not. Ae Ra sat on the bed, wiggling in excitement and watched him diligently close the curtains, so no one could see from the outside what was about to happen in that room. Kyung Soo didn’t know how Ae Ra was feeling, but the few seconds he spent away from her flushed figure made the nervousness inside him grow. When he looked back at her, he saw her swallow nervously. He moved closer, running careful fingers down from her cheek to her shoulder. She sat in the edge of the bed, her hands playing with the fabric of her pants. He kneeled in front of her, leveling his face with hers. After taking a deep breath, he decisively grabbed the sides of Ae Ra’s t-shirt, pulling it up, uncovering her upper body. She wasn’t wearing anything under it, although he expected that much since she was going to sleep, it still hit him hard to see her like that.

She didn’t cover herself. She didn’t feel shy. On the contrary, it felt wonderful. Be naked in front of him made her feel excited and wanted. Kyung Soo took off her socks one at a time and then slowly pulled down her pants. He grabbed her right leg, it started dropping soft kisses from her ankle, up to her knee. He looked up at her, stopping just above her thigh and opened her legs so his head could fit between them. He kissed the inside of her thighs delicately. Ae Ra inhaled sharply and tensed when his lips came closer to her center. She felt under the mercy of Kyung Soo’s stare and touch. Just when he was one breath away from touching her where all her blood was rushing to, he moved to the other leg. It was frustrating and wonderful at the same time. His lips felt so hot against her skin. She couldn’t wait to feel them all over her body. Over and over again. He dropped a last kiss on her thigh and move up, facing her again. Kyung Soo leaned in, kissing her neck, loosen up her tensed muscles, peppering kisses on all the places his lips could reach. Ae Ra released a soft jolly sight and Kyung Soo smiled in response. He nipped under her chin and along the line of her jaw, her fingers were resting against his collar bones, still covered in clothes. She was about to pull off his shirt when her conscience hit. She had to share something with him. Something that could stop all this, but for her own comfort and his she, had to tell him. And now that he was still dressed it was better, because if he decided to not go ahead with this it would be less awkward to go back to sleep. It wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t have to be. At least it wasn’t for her. Because the issue of virginity, that patriarchal imposition, for her was just a band-aid that needed to be pull fast, without pain. But she wasn’t going to let anyone pull it out. Because yes, virginity was only a concept, but it was private and losing it could make you very vulnerable. At least that was her case. She was sure that Kyung Soo didn’t need to know it to be careful and caring. But she felt like telling him. She wanted him to know how unique he was for her. After he kissed her for the nth time, she softly pushed him away, holding his face, caressing his red lips “Kyung Soo, before anything happens, I need to tell you something… but I'm also scared that If I tell you, you are going to run away” He smirked, looking down at his clothed crotch “Well, I don't think I can do that now, I'm too compromised" She looked down between his legs and felt like giggling, proud of her effect on him. She reached for the tent between his legs, brushing her fingers over it, and the low moan that Kyung Soo released almost left her without breath "What did you want to tell me?" He reminded her, his voice shivering at the end "I...I…God, why I feel so embarrassed?, is really not a big thing" Ae Ra looked up meeting his eyes and after several deep breaths felt confident enough to tell him "This is... This is going to be my first time" Kyung Soo looked shocked for a second but was quick to control his reaction "Your first time?" "Yes, this is going to be the first time I have sex" He looked at his hands resting at her hips, his eyebrows slowly meeting in the middle, forming that worried frown she knew so well. He was going to stop this for sure. Even the grip of his hands felt weaker now. And if he did, she wasn’t going to convince him to do the opposite. She respected him “Say something Kyung Soo” She hurried him. He met her stare again and something in his round eyes gave her hope “I just can’t understand how…you haven’t… you know…you are just so beautiful and amazing” She knew it. She knew she couldn’t even dare to predict one of his reactions because he was going to surprise her, always “Well, it terrified me, and no one made me feel confident to do it with them…and I could totally live with it, I have two hands and ten fingers after all, and I found a good toy, so is not like I don’t know what pleasure is…I’m able to…” “Please stop” He interrupted her, hiding his face on one of her hands, his ears redder than before “Why?” “That’s…I… just… just stop putting images in my head, I want to last” She felt his smile against her palm and was again proud of the effect she had on him “Oh… ok, I’m sorry” He shook his face, resting it importance and dropped a kiss on her wrist. He looked at her again and move closer to kiss her, whispering against her lips “I’m not stopping, I will be careful though” The relieve that washed over her made her almost dizzy. Kyung Soo stood up, getting rid of his t-shirt. His chest looked soft, inviting and warm, but the muscles under his skin, humble but solid, fitted his personality so well. She kneeled and moved to the center of the bed, with Kyung Soo following her movements. She pulled him closer by the shoulders, running her hands down his chest, over his soft tanned skin. Kyung Soo nosed at the lobe of her ear and laid a hand on her knee, slowly sliding it up her thigh. It was so soft and warm under his fingers. Ae Ra spread her knees just a few inches, enough to invite a more thorough touch if he desired it. Kyung Soo reached for the hem of her underwear and pulled it, sinking a hand under it “Lift your cute bum so I can take this off” Ae Ra blushed, but followed the request obediently. He pulled her underwear down slowly, dropping a soft kiss on her lips as if he was thanking her “Wanna help me with mines too?” He offered, and she did her best to not sound too eager “Yes” Kyung Soo kneeled on the bed and pulled his underwear too, with Ae Ra’s hands next to his. The process was a bit clumsy, but that didn’t make it bad. Kyung Soo kissed her forehead, cupping the back of her head and tilting his own to press in close. Ae Ra parted her lips and slid her tongue over his bottom lip, a hint of playfulness accompanying the action. That hint made him smile softly and part his lips just wide enough to give her access to his mouth. Once it was there, Kyung Soo let his girl explore to her fulfillment. He pushed her slowly down on to the bed, getting on top of her, resting his face against her cheek, nose tucked into her hair. The warmth that had been in Ae Ra’s chest spread through her body when Kyung Soo sighed contently “You’re too wonderful for your own good Ae Ra” She didn’t know how to respond, but she didn’t have to. Kyung Soo wasn’t expecting an answer, he wasn’t expecting anything. He just wanted to give. He moved from her face, down to her neck, dropping kisses on his way. He sucked the skin of her chest and felt her heartbeat on his lips. He brought the warmth of his mouth to her right breast, leaving a red mark. He switched to her other breast but kept caressing the other one, just to enhance her rush. Ae Ra felt very exposed. And it was a weird feeling because she had only reached this level of intimacy with herself, and now Kyung Soo was there, touching her, kissing her, making her moan and giving her an adrenaline rush. Fear and excitement together. A delicate finger trailed down her chest resting on her belly button, tracing circles around it. Her muscles tightened under them; the light touch made her shiver. Kyung Soo’s hand laid almost possessively over her lower abdomen. Her whole body felt hot. She lifted her hands slowly, moving them along his face. Kyung Soo moved his head up, so he could face her and kissed her quick but feverishly. His head bent to Ae Ra’s earlobe, and he nipped it with his lips, making her squirm under his body. “Ae Ra, let me do something…so you can relax” He whispered “But I am relaxed” Came the rejoinder. He pinched her waist, with the only intention of tickle her for always answering back “Ae Ra, just let me do it” “Ok, ok, what is it?” Kyung Soo sat down, pulling her with him. “Sit here” He kneeled on top of the bed, with his thighs slightly apart and patted one of them, indicating her to sit. Ae Ra moved comfortably, despite the fact of being naked, and straddled his thigh. Kyung Soo passed an arm around her waist pulling her closer to him and started to caress her thigh and what he found between them. Ae Ra closed her eyes for a couple of seconds to suck it in. This was it. There was no turning back now. She wouldn’t allow it, even if there was. He was touching her. Finally, someone was touching where she knew it would feel amazing. But not just anyone. It was Kyung Soo. “You feel so delicate in my arms, I don’t want to hurt you, let me prepare you properly, can I touch you however I want?” How could he ask that? Her answer was so obvious, but she couldn’t form a word right now. Not with him spreading her wetness, taking his fingers to his mouth to taste her. So she only nodded. She moved one of her hands to her mouth, covering it, muffling her moans. Kyung Soo didn’t look away, not even for a second, he didn’t even want to blink because that would mean miss one of her reactions and expressions “I’m relaxed enough” She managed to say in between moans. He completely ignored her. His fingers kept rubbing her clit, slow and wide, small and quick “You think you can take a finger now?” “I think…” She was interrupted by a loud moan “I think I can take more than one” Kyung Soo really liked that answer and the cheekiness behind it, but also felt a bit dumb. Of course she could take more, after all she had toys. Her own words. His left hand rubbed her lower back and the other moved between her legs, dipping two fingers inside her, working a slow rhythm inside her. It burned, just a little bit, and she felt it stronger, stronger than her fingers. She lightly pressed her hands to his cheeks, cupping his chiseled face, her thumbs trailing a path over his skin. Their eyes met, Ae Ra had to bit her lips to shut her moans down as Kyung Soo started rubbing his thumb against her clit. She was so worked up already, her body hot, and so wet that Kyung Soo’s fingers were already making the filthiest sounds. Her palms slid down his body. The back of her hand brushed Kyung Soo’s fully hard cock. He gasped softly, unable to swallow back the sound. Ae Ra brushed her right hand along his cock, feeling it grow harder, heavier against her skin. She turned her hand over, cupping the warmth in her palm, massaging gently, a bit shy and unsure. Kyung Soo moaned softly, closing his eyes, leaning in and pressing his face into her shoulder. Her other arm went over his shoulders and they remained like that, hugging, pleasuring each other, learning about each other. When Ae Ra felt him harder on her hand, and when she felt his teeth bit the skin of her shoulders, she decided that it was time for more. She needed more. She pressed both her hands on to Kyung Soo’s chest, urging him to lie down. He followed her signal and laid down on his sheets. His hair mussed and eyes even darker than they had been, erection hidden under her fingers. She crawled on top of his body, covering him as she bent down to kiss him, hungry and demanding. Her fingers wrapped around his length tightly. He responded with a choked moan, kissing her ravenously, wrapping his arms around her waist, rubbing his dick against her wet center. The weight above him was pleasant and solid, he felt it like an anchor tying him to reality, keeping him wide awake so he could take all this. She moved to a more pleasant posture straddling his body. Her fingers started to move up, gliding over Kyung Soo’s muscles, his warm hips and soft chest. Ae Ra stretched and shifted above him, reaching somewhere next to his head, he couldn’t see where. She came back with a square piece between her fingers. “Umm…I could put it on, but I’m sort of shaky, and also…where should I go? On top or…” He took the condom in his own hands, and move under her body, until he could sit in front of her “Let me be on top, and I’ll take care of this” He said, taking the condom in his hands, dangling in front of her gaze. He slid the condom on, meanwhile, Ae Ra laid on his bed, pushing the covers away, feeling her heartbeat go wild, her body quivering with eagerness. Kyung Soo opened her legs, slowly, with a sweet smile adorning his face. He caressed her legs, from her ankles to her pelvis, and then lifted her by her butt, settling her close to his dick “Now relax. It will be…weird in the beginning, but I won’t hurt you” His voice was so soft and soothing that she involuntarily closed her eyes, melting with it “I know you won’t” She smiled and raised up in her elbows to kiss him. He held her by the small of her back and pressed against her entrance. Ae Ra hissed against his mouth and couldn’t stop a whine when he pushed in. Her body tensed immediately, and Kyung Soo stopped instantaneously. She closed her eyes tightly, panting, trying to get herself to relax. This was very different from a sex toy. Kyung Soo was wider, hotter and it felt more invasive. But It was Kyung Soo, and she loved him dearly, and she had fantasized with this more than she would like to admit “Are you alright?” Ae Ra took several deep breaths and he could feel her relax around him. He sighed relieved. She was finally able to open her eyes. They were a bit teary but still filled with lust. Kyung Soo pressed a slick finger against her clit, working it gently, rocking his hips as he pushed into her. Very slowly, as carefully as he could, controlling his own urges. The more he pressed in, the more she relaxed around him, and finally the tension drained from her body as she whimpered more in pleasure than in pain “Good now?” He asked, and Ae Ra could hear the restraint in his voice “Very good” She answered followed by a loud moan “Are you sure?” “Very sure” Kyung Soo bend down, kissing her cheeks, slowly meeting her lips, sliding his tongue inside, making out as he slowly slid his hard cock out and then back in, deeper. She didn’t look in pain anymore, on the contrary, she was finally relaxed enough to hug Kyung Soo, and kiss him back as he deserved. Kyung Soo moved his hips, quickly figuring out a rhythm. He moaned quietly, capturing her lips with his, holding her close with one arm. Her hands moved to his head, the feeling of his short damp hair gave her a new pleasure. She held him, answering the kiss affectionately as they moved together. Kyung Soo sighed into her mouth thrusting in with one smooth movement to bury himself fully, rolling back just slightly. She blushed down the length of her body, the sensations were so much, all so new, fulfilling and intimate. Ae Ra arched up and thrust against him, making him moan loudly for the first time, throwing his head back in pleasure. Kyung Soo changed the angle and Ae Ra had his cock pressing against the right place, sending bursts of white across her vision. Her arms and hands weren’t enough, she had to pull him in even closer with her legs. Kyung Soo rolled his head forward, letting it hang so he could look at Ae Ra in the eyes. His eyes became half-lidded and glazed. He rearranged himself, sitting on his knees, shoving a pillow under her hips and caressing her skin, from her chest to her hips. Kyung Soo snapped his hips to make Ae Ra moan again. Her entire body moved in waves, the pleasure washing over her, her eyes half closed, her mouth open, panting and her hands touching him, touching herself. That set him off; he bend down, leaning on his palms on the bed, fusing their lips together, kissing her keenly as he pounded into her tight heat. He was gratified to hear Ae Ra moan loudly and feel her small fingers move around his face, as if she didn’t know what to do with herself. She lifted her head from the mattress, hiding her face in his neck, holding onto him tightly, muttering his name amidst her heavy breathing and moans. Kyung Soo smiled at her cute reactions, realizing how he was running short of self-control “Ae Ra…I can’t hold it anymore” “Then go ahead and come, I’m almost there too” Kyung Soo took her word, moved his hips faster and harder and came undone as she sucked the skin of his neck. He cried out as he came, shuddering almost violently. Ae Ra drank in the man’s cries, amazed, managing to move, slamming their hips together. Then he did something with his narrow hips that made her whole body clench tightly and enveloped her completely. Ae Ra couldn’t hold herself. She came with a loud gasp followed by his name, covered in moans “Ae Ra” He called her, still thrusting his hips inside her “Please kiss me” He begged and there, something settled in her heart. A heavy weight rooted deep inside her. She was staying with Kyung Soo. She was keeping him for the rest of their life’s and maybe more. She was going to kiss him whenever he wanted, do whatever he wanted. Love him and treasure him. And she kissed him, as he asked her. Slowly, but thoroughly. He laid on top of her for a long while after that, feeling her heart beating frantically; both their chests heaving as they tried to regain their breath. Ae Ra’s hands stroked gently up and down Kyung Soo’s spine until finally, he regained enough presence of mind to pull out of her, flopping boneless next to her. Neither spoke for a very long time. Ae Ra turned her head to the side, watching him, flushed and beautiful Kyung Soo. Her body felt weird, her back burned and her legs felt like they were made of jelly. He turned around facing her and started caressing her legs, trying to ease the numbness of them. “Are you alright? You feel good?” “Mmm…really good, I feel amazing, tired, but amazing” Kyung Soo grinned, clearly controlling his reactions. She giggled, kissing him lightly and clinging to his chest. He received her kindly sinking his nose in her hair “Kyung Soo, you’re sleeping with me right?” “Yeah” He sounded resigned to the idea “Ae Ra, put on some clothing and let’s get into the bed” “I don’t want to” She said pouting against his chest. Kyung Soo felt like crushing her in his arms for being so cute. He covered his face in defeat “Ok, no clothing, but let’s get into the bed so we don’t catch a cold” They got in immediately, sinking into the white sheets, hugging each other. After talking for a short while, both of them fell asleep. In the middle of the night, Ae Ra woke up and felt a burning happiness when she found herself asleep on her man’s chest, one leg on top of him and one of his hands resting heavily on her butt.

The next morning, she woke up just as Kyung Soo was getting out of bed. Her heart squeezed painfully. He was going to leave and then pretend as nothing happened, that was for sure. She didn't feel like dealing with that so early in the morning, so she pretended she was still asleep. Kyung Soo kept moving around looking for his clothes, getting dressed. She felt how sleep was settling again over her, when the bed bent next to her. His warm hand caressed her arm, from her shoulder to her elbow and then he dropped a feather like kiss on her shoulder blade. And like that he was gone. He went outside the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Before she could start getting anxious about where he was going and what he was doing, she fell asleep again, after all, she was incredibly tired for what happened last night.

She woke up an hour later. Her throat was dry, and her legs hurt when she stretched. She got up, a bit down by the idea of wearing the same clothes from last night. She looked around the room and found a pile of clothing on the bed. She inspected it and it was a pair of sweatpants a T-shirt and a hoodie. She put them on and when she reached to the nightstand for her cellphone she found a bottle of water. He had thought about everything uh? Her cellphone was nowhere to be seen, so she quit on its search and went to the bathroom. Of course there was a new toothbrush and a clean set of towels waiting for her. She took a quick shower, hopefully announcing herself with the sound of water. She brushed her teeth and after taking about ten to twenty deep breaths, she walked outside his room. He was in the kitchen seated in front of his computer, halfway thru a sandwich. She stood at the door, unsure of what to do. He looked up and got nervous all of the sudden. He avoided her stare and stood up, talking in a rush about breakfast and god knows what else. She couldn't quite catch it. She was distracted as suddenly she was reminded of what happened last night. She did her best to suppress it, but after seeing him, it was impossible. She just liked him so much. But she knew, she could sense how he was getting ready to break her heart. Maybe that was a bit too much. But she was very emotional right now. He was speaking again, and she felt rude not paying attention to him, so she shook her head, clearing her mind and finally gave him the attention he needed "What were you saying? " She asked, trying to sound a bit, just a little bit cool "I was asking you what do you want, tea or coffee?” "Coffee please" She answered, fake smile plastered on her face. He turned around to fetch her some coffee and she sat on the closest chair. At the table he had served bread, jam and assortment of pastries. He must have bought them early that morning "Chanyeol and your manager called asking for you, I told them that you will be staying here at least until tomorrow" "I will? " "Yes" He said nothing more, and left her cup of coffee in front of her "Chanyeol is at your place, Baekhyun is helping him pack some of your things and bring them here, tomorrow we are moving to an apartment your agency has, for now, you shouldn’t be at your house" Right, her house. Thanks to Kyung Soo and what happened last night she had completely forgotten about it. Her attackers barking into her safest place and violating her privacy, getting the person she loves in the middle "I completely forgot about that" She ventured, looking down at her coffee "How could you forget about it?" He asked in disbelief, his eyebrows racing comically "Well, I had better things to think about last night, I know you are trying to act as if nothing happened but I can't do that, thank you for letting me forget one of the most horrible experiences in my life " "Worse than the day we got shot? " There was an intent of being funny behind his voice "Well, you kissed me for the first time that night, so I don't have terrible memories about that episode " "Ae Ra... " She interrupted him because she knew him good enough now "Please don't call me by my name if you are going to say something that I don't want to hear now " He acted as he didn’t hear her "This can't happen again" Ae Ra felt really angry at him, but she knew why he was saying this. And she knew how weak Kyung Soo was towards a lot of things she did, like joking with him. And maybe humor could save her this time “What a terrible thing to say after you took my virginity, Kyung Soo” It worked. He went from serious to bug-eyed “No!, no, I didn't mean that you know it Ae Ra!, God, don’t say that… but we can't, this is my job, you are my boss” he was so, so wrong “Well, technically your agency is your boss, and your agency works for my agency, so if anything, we are coworkers” A smile took over his face very slowly. He was shy suddenly, scratching the back of his hear, avoiding her stare “Ae Ra you always know what to say uh? Your words are going to be the end of me” He shook his head in disbelief, looking away from her “You don’t want this?” Her voice came out fill with sorrow “Ae Ra…” “You didn’t like it?” His pained expression made her regret her words “Ae Ra, how can you even think that? Of course I liked it, I loved it, that was the most amazing thing that has happened to me” “You have to tell me that Kyung Soo!, I am an idol, I have confidence issues” She was half serious and half joking. She was sure Kyung Soo knew about those issues but being a bit clearer with his feeling couldn’t hurt him and she wanted to call him on that. “Eat your breakfast Ae Ra” He was ending the conversation for now “I will, I need to recover the energy I lost last night” He hid his smile, but it was too late, she saw him and that made her smile too. The air was light again. If he didn’t want to talk about last night, or worst, repeat it, it was ok with her. For now. But having him act cold all of the sudden was incredibly painful. But Kyung Soo was always considerate and very good reading her feelings, so he understood that at least. +++ The rest of the morning went slow. Kyung Soo had a lot of things to do and kill time in his flat. He had a lot of books, an amazing collection of movies and a very nice balcony, but nothing really called her interest. Her mind was split in two. One part was focused on that couple and their sick obsession with her. The other one was focused on Kyung Soo and how badly he wanted to kiss him and hug him and…the rest. Her mind wasn’t the safest place for her, to say the least. “My fridge is empty, I need to go shopping, are you going to be alright?” He interrupted her line of thoughts as he walked outside his room with a jacket in his hands “No, I don’t want to be alone, I wanna go with you” “I don’t think that’s a good idea” She was already prepared to convince him “I will disguise” “No, I don’t need to go, we can order take out” “No, understand this, I need to go out, we can’t stay locked here anymore” “Why not?” “Because I keep thinking about you, and us, and how badly I want to do it again” He blinked several times, his mouth opened and closed, trying to find the words “Go grab a coat, sunglasses and a cap” He sounded grumpy, but she knew him better. She put on her coat, a pair of ray bans from his room and a black cap from the rack next to the door “You are used to get away with what you want uh?” He taunted “I fight for what I want” “You always play dirty” “Guilty!” She grabbed his arm and pulled him out with her. He didn’t avoid her touch and laughed with her, which gave her a big ray of hope.

The visit to the convenience store was event free. They had lunch and around six, Chanyeol and Baekhyun arrived at his house. Both greet her with a long, tight hug. Baekhyun threw a lot of curses to her attackers. So much verbal violence in such a thin guy. Chanyeol told her what he said to Kyung Soo that morning. Tomorrow she will be moving to her new temporary house, a flat in a centric district “Police says that witnesses could be good” “They are waiting for Ae Ra to be attacked again?” Kyung Soo snapped but his friends were more shocked for the use of her name. Ha! He slipped. She gave him a mocking look and he ignored her “I…I don’t think that’s the case Kyung Soo, but she can’t stay here for the rest of her life, I mean she can…but, well” Chanyeol was acting awkward all of the sudden and Ae Ra was having a great time watching Kyung Soo send him murder vibes and Chanyeol sending silent apologies “What Chanyeol is trying to say is that you need a safe space, with controlled access, and Kyung Soo can’t keep sleeping in the couch” If this was a tv series they would have chocked with their own saliva, acting suspiciously. Kyung Soo had a poker face, but she didn’t bother in pull one out, Baekhyun was obviously suspicious, maybe he already knew what was going on “The hotel had controlled access and they broke in and leave that note, remember?”

“Yes Ae Ra, I was there, but at that time the guys had just arrived and the police wasn’t giving you the protection they are giving you now, so I think this time the stakes are different” Baekhyun sat next to her and rubbed her arm giving her much needed support “Then I guess is ok, Mister Park and Mister Do are coming with me right?” Chanyeol was quick to answer “Of course! And there’s going to be 24/7 surveillance from the police, we will be watching your back all the time” Chanyeol’s words were overfilled with confidence and commitment. She believed him, she knew it was going to be like that, so she agreed. She really didn’t have another option, but she didn’t need it. Chanyeol and Baekhyun stayed over. They shared a futon, Kyung Soo slept on the couch and she had the bed for herself. She was thankful to Baekhyun for insisting on staying at Kyung Soo’s place. He and Chanyeol worked like a cockblock. For her. Kyung Soo’s head was clear, apparently. She was the one with the gutter head. But she wasn’t going to blame herself. She had just discovered sex! Of course, she wanted to try some more. ++++ The next morning, they drove a van to her new location. It wasn’t very far away from Kyung Soo’s and it was a very busy street, very noisy, very alive. She liked that. Of course she missed the calm of her house, but the noise made her feel less lonely and afraid. Inside the flat was Sehun arranging the food inside the refrigerator and when he saw her he dashed to her side and scooped her in a hug “Are you ok? You look different?” “For bad?” “For good, are you scared? tell me” “I’m ok, scared, mad also, but ok, thank you for being here” Sehun hugged her again and then walked her inside the place. It was big and bright, fancy furniture everywhere, too much technology for her own good, but not bad at all. She had to get used to it anyway “There is a camera in the front door, an alarm system, the lock is code protected and the phone in your room is connected to the radio of the police car downstairs, if you lift it, they can hear you”

She could only thank Chanyeol for all this. What else could she tell him and the rest of her friends? She was very emotional all of the sudden, so she excused herself and went to the bathroom. Freaking bathroom was as big as her room. She was washing her hands when someone softly knocked at her door. She opened and it was Kyung Soo. He walked in, whistling in awe at the sight of the five stars hotel bathroom. She felt a bit awkward now. She wanted to hold his hand for a bit of support and warmth, nothing more. Maybe rest her forehead on his shoulder. Nothing more. But Kyung Soo had had enough of her sassiness. She only rubbed her hands together to get rid of the tingling feeling and turned around to walk outside. But Kyung Soo stopped her. He grabbed her wrist and walked around her, facing her. She lifted her eyes to meet his and found him smiling at her, his eyes warm. When she sighed, his smile widened and he hugged her, whispering her name tenderly. It felt so warm and soft, he always smelled so nice and his muscles felt firm under her hands “Are you ok?” “Now I am” She took another deep breath, enjoying his sent and let go a little bit, just so she could look at him “I love it when you let go of your silly restrictions to give me support” “This is going to be temporarily” “What? Your restrictions?” “No, living here, I can tell that you don’t like it, you want to be at home” She wasn’t a person that people could read easily, she had to learn to keep all her reactions under control so people couldn’t sense when she felt insecure, scared or tired. She was a performer and she just couldn’t look tired. She didn’t like to show weakness. But Kyung Soo always saw over that. Maybe because he has been watching her for a while, or maybe because he was good at it, or maybe, just maybe, it was because he really loved her “I don’t think I’m going to be able to be at home any time soon, so I just have to deal with it” “No Ae Ra, you don’t have to deal with it, you can get sad, mad or frustrated at it, you know that none of us is going to judge you for that” “I know that, but I’m going to judge me” A hint of playfulness pulled the corner of his lips “That’s because you are very silly” She gasped in fake horror and pinched his waist tickling him “Why are you being mean to me instead of just smooching with me” He laughed louder this time, scrunching his nose in the way she loved that make him look like a child “I’m not smooching you, last time we smoo…no, I’m not using that word, last time we kissed you know what happened” “Kyung Soo, I’m not going to get in your pants when there are people here, specially Baekhyun” “Which reminds me, we have been here long enough, let’s go” She stayed still, eyes closed and lips pursed. She heard him giggle and felt him move closer…and then there was a knock on the door “Stop whatever you guys are doing, I’m going in” Kyung Soo jumped away from her as Baekhyun opened the door holding a phone on his hands. He looked at them for a second and then started talking, loud and messily. There was something he needed to say but his mouth wasn’t fast enough “Police, they called, they got them, I don’t know if them, but they caught them, they just called, they catch them, they called just know!” Once she processed what her friend said she felt a weight on her shoulders, not lifting but pushing her down, her legs too week to hold her. Before she landed on the floor Kyung Soo held her by her armpits and Baekhyun scooped her up by her waist. She met his smiley friend’s face, he was mouthing something but couldn’t quite catch what he was saying. Kyung Soo maneuvered her to the toilet and made her sit there. He was caressing her back and nape, his hand pleasantly cold. Baekhyun came back with a glass of water and helped her grab it and take a sip from it “Ae Ra keep it together” She grabbed his hand and pulled him down so she could look at him “Baekhyun, I love you, but if this is a joke I will end you, what did you just say?” “They got her, one of your attackers is now at the police station being questioned, this is almost over Ae Ra” She tightened her grip on his hand and when he saw her about to cry he hugged her, patting her head tenderly. The last thing she heard before start bawling was Kyung Soo repeating Baekhyun word’s as he caressed her back “Is almost over Ae Ra”.

Notes: I’m so sorry for the late update. Procrastination got the best of me and I had a short trip in the middle.

#Kyungsoo #do kyungsoo #do kyung soo #d.o kyungsoo #d.o fanfic #d.o smut #exo fanfiction #exo smut #kyungsoo smut

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