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mourntheantagonist · 2 years

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My thing is what do you think the first real fight between Steve and Billy is? Like with Billy's past obviously he wouldn't EVER do anything to hurt Steve. Again

But how would it go?? Like im trying to rattle my Harringrove brain and see if their first fight would end like. Billy does the same thing Max does obviously and tries to push Steve away so much omg.

Like they're fighting and Steve says "You cant be angry all the time, you're so angry. The world did nothing for you ever but you are trying to be better... I see it every day" he takes a deep death and looks at Billy

Billy stares at the ground, eyes stinging from the tears. Billy isnt going to cry in front of Steve, he hasn't yet.

"Be strong, don't be a Pussy. Only pussies cry" the words Neil used to repeat during baseball practice. Or when Billy got hurt echoed in this brain. He never saw his dad cry, even the day his mom left. Men don't cry Billy isn't going to cry.

Billy takes a long breath before looking at Steve, meets his eyes and his mouth opens before his brain can register what he's saying "well then we should just break up"

Steve stares suddenly bursting with hurt, after everything Billy just wants to throw it away? He forgave Billy for nearly killing him. "You dont mean that."

Obviously I am not the greatest BUT I feel like this is kinda how it would go??

oh my gosh I love that so much because you’re so right billy is absolutely the guy to push steve away, and really, anyone away if they show him any kind of affection because oh god what is that???

but okay okay okay

for their first fight I imagine it’s kind of like that, billy pushing everyone away because he doesn’t think he deserves anything good in his life because you know I’m just a sucker for this trope alright?

but what if it’s not all in billy’s head?

what if it’s steve’s friends, like dustin and nancy, always giving billy the side-eye when the two walk into a room together, and dustin airing out all of his disdain for billy publicly, in front of billy, to steve, telling him he could do so much better than billy.

and what if steve just laughs it off? what if he just doesn’t take it seriously, thinks dustin is just being jealous because now he can’t have steve’s undivided 24/7 attention, and what if he doesn’t notice that way billy’s face falls and he clams up and stops wanting to hang around the rest of their group.

because steve never stands up for him.

and billy just lets it all fester, boil up inside of him until he’s really starting to believe it. it’s one thing for him to think he’s not good enough, but it’s an entirely other thing for the people steve cares about to think it, and it’s a huge fucking thing when billy starts wondering if, because steve never says anything defending him, if he thinks it too.

that’s when billy starts pushing. because he’s not good enough for steve. they both know it. and billy can’t keep pretending it’s okay.

and it gets nasty. these boys have no. fucking. clue. how to communicate effectively with each other so it really does get to the point that billy is about ready to get a box and fill it with every little thing that belongs to him around steve’s house because he just needs to go. he’s not good enough for steve and he doesn’t want to be the poison infecting his life anymore.

steve thinks billy is trying to sabotage the relationship (which he is, but steve isn’t bothering to figure out why) and billy wants steve to fight for him to stay but steve’s too angry to do that and it’s all the miscommunication and now they’re fighting over the tiniest little things and it’s bad bad bad.

and billy literally packing up his things is finally that tipping point for steve to finally ask billy not to go and finally ask *why* he is doing all of this.

and that’s when billy finally says it. “I’m not good enough for you.”

and that just makes steve even more mad because billy doesn’t get to decide that. steve tells him that and billy just laughs.

“if you really believed that, then why don’t you ever say it?” and billy is holding back tears, because it hurts every time he thinks about steve sitting around while his friends are saying steve “settled” and just laughing it off.

now steve is angry and confused, and billy won’t look at him no matter how many times he tries to get him to and he’s wracking his brain trying to figure out what on earth billy is talking about because why would billy think he thought that way?

billy tightens his grip on the box full of his things. “I hope your friends are happy.”

and that’s when it clicks. and it’s too late for steve to do anything because he’s frozen in place because the weight of the realization is almost too heavy to bear. so he just has to watch billy walk out his front door.

that night, steve doesn’t run to billy’s house begging for forgiveness. instead he runs to dustin’s and nancy’s and robin’s and whoever else he can vaguely remember saying anything at all negative about him dating billy. he rips each and everyone of them a new asshole and the whole time he’s feeling so fucking guilty because even if he never said what they said, he never disagreed, not out loud, not for billy to hear it.

so made a point, to go to everyone’s house and tell them they had to go talk to billy in person and tell them that they were wrong, that he is not only good enough, but he is *good* for steve. and they do, reluctantly, some of them steve had to drag there kicking and screaming. but they do. and once they all have done that. it’s steve’s turn to apologize.

he doesn’t do it standing at billy’s front door like everyone else had. he takes him to the quarry, somewhere private, somewhere that is theirs.

he sits there in the car and apologizes over and over again, and tells billy over and over again that he is so much more than good enough for him and he’s so sorry he never stuck up for him.

and if it weren’t for all the children banging down his door all day saying all the exact same things, maybe it would have been a little harder to accept, but Steve is sitting there begging him, clearly exhausted, clearly having not have slept since their fight, and god his big brown eyes just do something to him.

and they’re good. steve just had to remember to remind billy, every single day, just how good he is.

#ahhh idk what this is but here you go I hope you like it #I love writing them being dumb and getting themselves into these situations #harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #stranger things #asks

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glittter-gel · 1 year

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my mental health is declining so have some kyōtani angst ✌️😚✨

when kyōtani was younger he always had the biggest smile on his face. he was always super excited to go on the bus, to see his friends, to go out for recess, for gym to start, to get home to see his parents and sister, the kid was excited about it all. he didnt mind that his mom and dad fought a lot, he didnt mind that his sister would always yell at him, and he didnt mind that he always had to be a little bit quieter than everyone else in the house when he came home from school. he just knew that he loved his family no matter what. what he did mind though was the candy, his moms candy. it didnt look very tasty, and dad always said that it didnt help mommy, so he wondered why she always ate it. he cant remember the last time that she wasnt eating the candy. she always had some of it on her, whether in her purse, or on the table, it was always there. when it really started to bother him was in middle school. another thing about kyōtani as a kid is that he always wanted to help. but this time it didnt feel like he could. his mom had changed, so much so that he didnt know how to fix it anymore. she wasnt the fun mom that would make him pancakes on the weekends when she was awake, she wasnt the mom who turned up the tv volume because he couldn't reach the buttons yet, and she wast the same mom who would sit down with ky��tani and help him with his homework, no not anymore. she was the mom who would always sprinkle this gross white powder on the food she made that gave kyōtani stomachaches throughout the day, she was the mom who would scream if he turned the tv volume up higher than 5, she was now the mom who threw stuff at him whenever he asked for help on anything. he didnt like the change, not at all. his anger from the change bubbled up and came out at school. he got into fights, yelled back at teachers, and threw away any schoolwork he couldn't get quite right. then, one day he finally realized he couldn't help anymore. he came home from school and saw her there. just laying on the floor, cold as ice, stiff as rock. dad was still at work and his sister was at her boyfriends so nobody could hear him but he screamed. he screamed until it hurt his throat even to breathe. he didnt know what to do with himself. he quit the volleyball team, the only thing he looked forward to. he ghosted his friends and teammates. he didnt eat until he was starving. he didnt know what the point was anymore. he didnt care what the point was anyways. he just wanted to sit until he rotted away like his mom. he just wanted to see her again, be with her, be held by her. no matter how much pain she caused him she was still his mom, and he loved her for that. he would do anything to get her back. now as he got older that smile has faded, and turned to a scowl. he isnt excited about anything anymore, he doesn't look forward to school, and he definitely doesn't look forward to going home at the end of the day. he isnt the happy kid he once thought he was, now hes just numb.

#does this make sense #maybe idk-#haikyuu!!#hq #kyoutani kentarou #kyotani angst lol

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tuxedokit-thoughts · 6 months

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i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

#tw suicide #tw self harm #actually bpd #bpd vent #for reference said brother is also one of my fps #and he wasnt even mad ab that hes just had his own no good very bad day #anyway #tuxedokit art #fuck else should i tag this with #oh yea #tw drugs #drug addiction #drug abuse

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thelengthyposts · 15 years

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As you know,

I don't complain much... but this time... I will. So bear with me.. as I go through this EMO RANT with you...

30 things I hate about MY life...

1. I hate it when everyone THINKS i'm soooooooooooooo intelligent..smart... or anything of the like... I may be great about one thing.. but definitely not everything.

2. I hate it when people put me on a pedestal. I'm not superior to anybody.. I'm just human like everyone else....

3. I hate it when people act all aloof and think i'm a snob..... i REPEAT. i'm not special. you can talk to me if you want. There is nothing to be aloof about.

4. I hate it when people ASSUME i'm good in math and science JUST because I'm majoring in Chemistry. I am NOT good in math and science. I hate numbers.. thus the reason why I will never DARE to take accountancy or engineering.

5. I hate it when I miss out on opportunities because I dislike changes that MIGHT occur when i grab the said opportunity.

6. I hate it when people think I'm OH SO FUCKING PERFECT.. when i'm not.. I have problems too. As mentioned above, I am HUMAN people!!!!!!

7. I hate being left behind. All my former classmates here are now either college [2 year course] graduates, or in their junior year of college. and YET.. they still look up to me when all along... the truth is.. i am much more far behind than them.... I suppose it's one of the reasons why I watched Naruto Shippuden in the beginning.. because like me, Naruto's the only genin in his age group, right? Likewise, my classmates in the US are now finishing their 2nd semester of college... when i am finishing my first. I've always been left behind... the others were already taking calculus.. while i was still taking trigonometry...

8. I hate it when i can't take courses like art, or theater.. or business... or dance. I hate it how my choice seems to be limited only to the medical courses.. not because my parents are forcing me.. but because i can't afford to not go in the field with all the pressure i get from.. basically everything. For one, my parents depend on me. I'm an only child.. I'm the only one that can help them once i graduate... Two, it's kinda expected I take a well-paid job in the future..... my mother's family are all intellectuals.. and though they do not mean it.. they unconsciously look down on people with those kinds of jobs.. as for my father's family... they all expect me to be the one to help my dad with money.... basically.. they're richer than my family.. likewise with my mom's side. My family is poorest... and as an only child i carry the burden of making our small family of three catch up with the others... though of course it has never been said aloud.. still..... it's there. and i feel it.

9. I hate how i can't act the "natural" me.. if you would call it that. In the US, I was myself. Quiet... never talked to anyone unless spoken to... kinda apathetic... i didn't care much if it didn't had anything to do with me.... yet. I was loud.. and FRANK with my friends. I do not speak much, but when i did... I spoke my mind.. directly.. aaaight? Yet, here.... I hate how i can only be like that to my closest of friends.. sometimes not even! I hate how.... acting like the ME me... would push them away.. or something. I hate how.. my normal quiet self... if shown.... would be interpreted as me finding the company boring.. when really... it isnt.

10. I hate how I miss living the life I had in the US... it was.. less constricting.... I was..freer. I was..... not subject to sooo much society rules.. that this culture of mine seem to have..... where in.... if i'm seen with a guy.. people would think we were TOGETHER....

11. At the same time, I hate the life I led in the US.... because it was the "ME" who ran away from all her problems.. to start anew... and now, I'm back here.... and the problems aren't really bothering me anymore.... after all if you know me.. you know i'm UNFORTUNATELY.. very forgiving and do not really hold grudges..... still.... it's very..warying..

12. I hate whenever I say something in a joking manner.. everything I say is taken seriously. Perhaps I'm not a joker. I can't deliver jokes very well... but really.... by these jokes.. i mean.. jokes as in "just kidding" jokes.... but NO. everyone ALWAYS takes me seriously....

13. I hate how I miss living my easy life in the US.. how... I NEVER mind nor HOLD my phone.. how.. EVERYONE understood.... i do not use my phone unless it is for emergencies only..... Yet now... not replying to a text message seems like "the end" of a friendship....

14. I hate how different types of media like text messaging can put barriers on people.... and make them... SHY and ALOOF to the people in person. I hate how..... I often have to say "Makapal ang mukha ko" literally "I have a thick face" ... meaning I am.. shameless.. for lack of a better word... whenever I step forward to ask strangers something... or when I have to do the asking for a friend..... I know being reserved and..... aloof and shy.... is a part of my homeland's culture. ANd i know it can be one of our best assets at times.. but I still hate how I have to SAY that in a joking and confident manner in order to not make them see me as arrogant or over-confident.. when i'm not.

15. I hate how I have to constantly play the part of the "cool student" who does not care about grades in order to deal with the stress and pressure... when in fact, I do care about grades... I just don't like admitting it to myself because I do not want to be disappointed whenever I fail an exam or two.

16. I hate how I can't talk to my parents about my grades because I already know they'll tell me it's my fault because I didn't study..... but sometimes.. i really DO study.... it's just that... Math and I.. we simply do not get along.

17. I hate how I loose myself in the Internet... just reading fanfiction....watching dramas... reading mangas.. and writing blogs like this.. as an outlet.. to forget and escape from the real world from time to time....

18. I hate how I seem so lose with no future plans on what I am going to become.

19. I hate how I just can't tell my parents or basically ANYBODY how I want to major in International Relations, Music - Piano, Dance, or anything that has to do with the law...... I mean.. I want to be an optometrist. I WILL become an optometrist. BUt it is not the only thing i wanna do in my life. I want to do many things.... and for that.. I need CASH.. which of course brings me back to the medical field........

20. I hate it when people THINK i'm rich.. when really.. if I was rich.. would I be worrying about money all the time? DO you know i only spend, at the most, P20 a day..... converted to $0.41 a day...... when everyone around me probably spends P100 [$2.06] a day or more? I am not a "gastadora" ..slang term for someone who does wastes money left and right..yet.. i HATE it when i leave this kind of impression on people.

21. I hate it when Life is like a game of chess, in which there are an infinite number of complex moves possible. The choice is open, but the move contains within itself all future moves. One is free to choose, but what follows is the result of one's choice. From the consequences of one's action there is never any escape. - Shelley Smith, The Ballad of the Running Man GOD! Have you seen my play chess? I am EFFIN horibble at it!

22. I hate how life seems more complex nowadays compared to the olden days.... yes we are freer.... more.. open... but in those constrictions places are... the worst kind of constrictions yet... the unspoken ones.. that people have to adheer.... at least in the olden days.. they openly said what u can;t do.... coz then you're not guessing. Now..... it really is a guessing game.. a trial and error... with a little whip of good luck attached in the end.... hopeing everything goes well

23. I hate how I discovered I'm actually more of a right-brained person than a left-brained person..... in the society today.. left-brained people are more easily able to get money... unless of course you're a celebrity.. but really.

24. I hate how i'm sounding like a money freak.. how that seems to be the only thing i care about.. when it's not.. it's simply a necessity.. and I hate how I am thinking about this material thing so much i might go insane. Yes, i am young. I have years ahead of me... but really... yes, life truly hasn't began for me.. but the situation i face now isn;t simple either...

25. I hate missing the intellectual "what-ifs" situations I had with my friends in the US.... the intellectually stimulating conversations about history.. life... fantasy... ancient times... hell.. even MOVIES! I can't seem to have those kinds of conversation here without appearing to be toooooo sage-like, wise, emo.. or overly sentimental.

26. I hate it when I am different from everyone.. yet at the same time.. glad for it. For one.. I hate how most people I know experiences "culture shock" whereas I seem to be quite immuned to it ever since having experienced it once in 5th grade.. when I first came to the US.. and changed my school environment from a catholic school in a conservative country to a public school in a more liberal country....... and again when i came back to the said conservative country in 6th grade when i found my classmates.. "all grown up" compared to me.....

27. I hate it when I stand out in a crowd. I admit, I sorta grew up in the limelight. And for that, I can tell you now. Being popular does have its quirks.. but it sucks most of the time too. For one.. people are wary they will offend you.. even if they say a joke that may be interpreted as something else. Two.. all your moves are watched.... you find a bazillion eyes on you.... or hear people talking behind your back.. whether good OR bad.... Perhaps that is why I'm rather cautious as well.... quite guarded.. if you will.... i was raised in that environment.. and it has certainly helped me build that wall around me.... the said wall.. it's rather transparent.... As a result... when I went to the US.. i saw a chance for a news start..... and from there, I began to develop the NEW me... the quiet.... in the background... not wanting any attention whatsoever... For that I constantly wore grey... or white... because it did not stand out. And i often sat near the walls in a classroom too..... And from that... a new me emerged... free.... relaxed... more open.... and more.... REAL.

28. The problem is this then: I hate how I can't seem to show the REAL me... the one that developed without restraints.. now that I am back in the society.. This is actually one of the transitions I am facing...... one of the problems that's been bothering me as well...

29. I hate how I can't really tell anyone I came from the US... because aside from the "arrogant" part.... that fact brings along with it many associations like the word "rich" "superior" " and anything positive you could possibly think of... i HATE it. i LOATHE it.

30. I hate how I am complaining here.. writing this blog.. when I know i'm sounding like a sissy since after all.. everyone has problems.. and i really believe releasing my frustrations in a blog like this is soooooooo beneath me it's not even funny... because i really don't need to dump my problems on you you know?

Anyhow, I am most open to my blogs here in devart because i am basically anonymous here...... MUCH more anonymous compared to my other sites......

Thanks for bearing with me on this one...

Ja ne!!

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This is a backdated post.

The original post my 18-year-old self wrote is on devianart.

#backdated post #blogging #life #screaming #deviantart

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loudinmyhead · 10 months

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Hi. I’ve had a horrible day and I needed to share what was bothering me, well what has been bothering me for 12 years. You don’t have to respond but idk, you can post this idc anymore

I don’t know how to get away, my whole family treats me like dirt and it’s been this way for 12 years, (im 16), and they just won’t stop. My mom and dad hate that I’m lesbian, they constantly make comments saying “oh but we’re not sure on the liking girls stuff” and I tell them that it’s not ok but they don’t care, they yell at me for wanting anything rainbow colored when I don’t even get rainbow colored things cause im gay, they won’t let my brother know about anything and he’s being taught that being homo isnt ok because we never talk about it. My mom likes to point out every single thing wrong with my appearance and threaten to take away things and in the case of the topic being my hair, she threatens to shave it all off while im sleeping (she isn’t joking) I just started school back up last week and everything I had last year broke over the summer, im under constant pressure from my parents to make them proud, my dad tells me it’s irrational to fear men when no it’s not, im terrified of men, and women, people in general, I don’t belong in society at all, Im touch starved and I want a hug so damn bad but I can’t cause my body jerks away from people, my head constantly tells me im good enough and im doing good and then everyone else tells me the exact opposite. My mom and dad leave my sister (12) and my brother (8) for me to take care of every day and they don’t give a damn about me, they don’t listen to me at all. And when I start to yell IM the one who gets in trouble. I can’t eat, I’ve lost my ability to hold food, I’m not hungry ever, good makes me sick. I can’t sleep or have an hour at peace, my thoughts either run fast or empty. i deeply want to be gone but i can’t leave my siblings, no matter how horrible they treat me they are still my kids, my sister even calls me her second mom. I had no childhood, i had to grow up fast in order to not be left behind, i never got to have Barbie dolls and watch Disney channel, i was always alone and i fake a smile everywhere i go, i want to drown and just not exist. No one will ever love me as much as I love them and i know that, but it’s hard knowing no one cares about me at all. I want a hug. I really really really just want to lay down and cry, I only want a hug. All I ask is that my parents some some love at least. Maybe just a little attention. I need a hug, please.

I’m so sorry, anon. You’re safe here <3 remember that family isn’t always blood, and one day you will have the freedom to find your own - one that will never make you feel shame for being LGBTQ+ I’m truly sorry you’ve had to deal with so much already. You’re still a kid tho, it’s not too late to enjoy the rest of your teenage years. I know that probably feels impossible given the current circumstances, but promise you’ll stick around, ok? Not to be cliché, but things WILL get better in so many ways you can’t imagine. Life is full of surprises and you’ll find joy again. You are valid and safe!

#anon #vent #inboxopen #trauma

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crimsun-n-clover · 1 year

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i know i shouldn’t complain, but i just can’t stay happy man.

get my car back, “hey everyone, see you on tuesday for dnd,” then i have to cancel because one of our four members (THE ONLY ONE WHO ISNT A FUCKING BARD) didn’t show up and couldn’t be bothered to give me a heads up.

i take my two favorite party members to get milkshakes at steak ‘n shake, which was great.

“you know, there’s someone who used to come in here all the time who looked just like you” “oh, ya don’t say.” “but actually stevie, are you alright?” “ahh, i got in a whole lot of trouble, then i had a really nasty breakup, and then i crashed my car” “HOLY SHIT and sorry man” “I KNOW and thanks” “you’re okay though?” “yep, just a lil sad” “i’m so sorry. anyways, wanna hear about the time i met all of the osbornes” “DO I EVER”

it was nice to be welcomed back into my territory and given just SO many cherries holy SHIT.

and then i had to take them both home and was felt so empty for some reason. i was fine before and it’s not like i felt like i was crashing. i just feel so weighed down and i can’t even describe it right or give a good answer why.

i don’t even have that much on my plate anymore, i’m just dragging more than usual. i should be fine. i’m supposed to be fine. i just can’t do my work.

so i get home, skip dinner, and start working on a new project so i have more of my art to put on my wall, because that always makes me feel better. when i have something new in my space, it feels like i’ve actually made a change. so i’m watching friends (i call it my straight people zoo, i just love how fucking lame it is) and transferring the pattern, and mom comes in “did you do your work??” “no, i feel really bad” “your car is back, what’s the issue” “i really don’t know” “fine, do that for a bit and then work on your classes”

a while later, she comes in to breathe down my neck again.

how do i explain to a 49 year old republican that if i even have to look at an assignment i will cry, throw up, hate myself more than usual for being useless, and hide your shoes as revenge because when you can’t find them before work you get PISSED.

i just feel like she’ll think i’m trying to get out of working. i am, but for valid reason. it’s not laziness, it’s actually causing me severe distress and i would do anything just to buy some adderoll at a party and actually get something done. but alas, no one likes me besides my kiddos and my players. and band members, but i’m not sure if they count.

i just need a fucking break.

from what, i don’t know.

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kindlyfunkn · 1 year

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my moms cat has a lot of blackhead clusters and i told her about it a while back and to keep an eye on them. fast forward to now, third time ive seen this cat in a few months, shes got more blackheads and one of them is infected (pus and bloody)

i cleaned them as best i could (like i do every time im out in town) but theres nothing to comb through them like a spare toothbrush and no pet-safe ointments, i just had a rag and warm water unfortunately.

its not an extreme issue but she needs to go to the vet to get something to help with them, i worry the rest of her chin is going to get infected real soon. a vet visit is probably never going to happen since my mom never bothers with vets for anything. we had a cat with incontinence, nothing, got rid of her. cat puked almost every day, nope. cat doesnt puke much anymore but has an infected chin! surely its not something to get looked at, no way.

good god they spoil their stupid dog and ignore the cat like crazy. when i stay over they dont even bother to feed her sometimes (and when my mom still lived in my hometown i was the one doing all the work anyway) its driving me nuts. ugghhhh im not trying to make my mom seem like a bad pet owner like she really isnt but she can be so so so stupid, it's frustrating

#Funk's Records Log #tiny vent

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femalehysteria420 · 1 year

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i want to kill myself like seriously i am so sick of livijgnlike how do you ever come back from lkterally getting fcuking raped and sexually assaulted not even just once but literally multipke times in the woods behind fucking target and in the gender neutral bathroom of the college i dropped out of besause im embarrassing and i genuinely think id slit my wrisds if i ever saw her face again but god i dont want to bother my friends anymore i can already feel [insert name] growing more and more exhausted and tired and fed up with my stupid schizoborderpolar insane shit and me constnatly being clingy and textiny web non stop i seriously just need to bite the dusr already i keep picturing a blade slicing into rhe veins of my wrists then slitting my throat open for good measure jesus christ i cant stop thinking about it i cant stop thinking about hurting myself and cutting myself opena nd killing myself and even numbers and numebrs and wordw and letters and phrases all blendiny together and not making sense anymore just absolute word salad abandoning all common sense and sensibility in generao lol thats a book i never rrad but god im falling apart again i keep thinking about every imperfection every errorthe left sode of my stomach itches but the top of the right side of my head itches too but i have to scratch both sides of both places in intervals of 4 repeated 4 times each with the same amount of pressure and with the same fingers and then i need to crack each part of each of my knuckles individually and count how many of them actually audibly crack and keep doing it until it forces them to crack until it lands on an even number and then i have to wait exafrly twent minutes and qnxiously watch my clock for the perfect time to repeat the same process so i feel safe knwoing i did it an even numher of times im paychotic im delusional im schizophrenic im trqumatized im borderline im on the verge of walking out into the night and praying i get hit by a car but its kind of funny isnt it i think im this close to the end but im doing just about anything and everything besides actually killing myself because i know that if i fail in my next attempt it will not only end in an odd number but i will also be forcibly hospitalized and quite frankly i think i would rather chew on glass and swallow it and feel my insides bleed out before i would set foot in that stupid fucking psych ward with the white walls and the patronizing nurses pumping you filled with these psychotropic drugs until you forget who you were and dont feel a thing anymore and all you have going for you is a bond with the other bipolar woman whos literally like gen x there who lost her mom the aame year you lost your grandmother and really enjoys beyonce and you just really enjoy hearing her talk and hearing about her interests because she really is lovely and treats you almost like her daughter but god i dont even know where im going with this stupid fucking post anymore i hope i die soon i hope we all die i especially hope she burns in hell for all eternity or maybe something worse than death can find her since what she did to me aas worth than death god i need to end this i need it to end im nothing its all crumbling i need to kill ymself so bad i just need to pull a trigger ill neevr feel anything good again except for whej im talking to my friends and it all dissipates the second i go home or they go offline and i know theyre sick of me i can feel it and i dont know how to make it so theyre not sick of me because im such an annoying pathetic miserable whiny bitch who cant get her shit together and never accepted shes a fucking full grown adult i seriously need a bullet through my skull i seriously need a byllet through my skull fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts this is bothiny but schizophrenic word vomit i seriously hope i get stabbed and bleed out or some shit i dont know how much i can go on living like this i hate being a rape survivor i dont see my death going by any other means than suicide or grey or james killing me themselves

#i liteeally reached word limit help #trigger warning #lkke so many sorry

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traumadotwav · 2 years

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i woke up and like, okay preface my mom for some reason had off today? like she keeps taking these middle days off after having the weekend off, i obvi would prefer it if she had All Days Off of anything that wasnt art to work on but its like she refuses to do that on some weird principal anymore idk, but that aside its like she took the day off to specifically bother me while i take like self care stuff on like My Day sometimes i can pretend she is taking off so we can hang out but she’s not stable enough to realize she needs to do something on her end and not just wait for me to do stuff for her to react to, she kept bothering me with like random things until i fell asleep and got up when i was up to throw a huge fit, like she had gotten these little figurines from a movie she never seen i think for my cousin but sometimes she’ll get stuff for others and not give it up, she placed them on top of the window like i didnt see them until i opened the window and one fell like gfdgf what is this oh, and then i moved them over to the like busted out entertainment center she insists on keeping. when like anything else could go there and function better like another chair and a bookshelf, like she and my brother are the only two people with tvs like nothing is over there but this huge thing with missing doors and shelves, that aside she woke up and demanded to know where they were and i was like oh i opened the window without seeing them first and i moved them over there, one got trapped between the window parts but ill fish it out once im done with breakfast and she got all hysterical like OF COURSE YOU DID and took them and closed all the windows (at one point she was like whyd you open the windows like,,,cause its 70 f outside? and 70 in the house? its a beautiful night and was a beautiful day) and like she said something about the door like maybe that shes going to tell the guy shes getting to hang the door to not come but im use to her taking stuff away like that ill just hang the door myself hfghfgh, like i was barely hearing a thing she was saying cause i was Not about to stop my morning meditation for her to have a temper tantrum, i was basically like just go to sleep omg and went about my day, after my food had settled i opened the windows again and she was like you know i can hear you and its like okay goodie for you, she has suuuch a weird fixation on keeping the windows closed

and like she had the day off but she did basically nothing? like she doesnt Have to do anything but its always like astonishing to me how little she gets done while acting like that, like she changed the front light to a bulb that just doesnt match and isnt suited for the front and she added more blue lights (she put them up when xmas ago and has decided its like the lights shes going to have up year round which whatever i guess) to the front and did zero halloween decorating otherwise. besides putting a bunch of tiny plastic things on a window to Ensure that it wouldnt be open like gdfgdfgdf she made my brother breakfast it looks like and then just put some sausages in a pan nothing else for dinner, there were no dishes to do and like none of the laundry was done, the watering wasnt done and the cat chores werent done, like she doesnt have to do these things but that she spends her days in like a drunken high stupor sitting in her dusty warm house then comes and bothers me when i start my day its like so much

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azenta · 2 years

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Do a lot of 3s have emotional breakdowns bc that's me rn lmfao i think it's the pressure from everyone else and myself that's getting to me. You can just disregard this if you dont want to answer, i just dont want to talk to any of my friends bc i dont want to show this side of me to them and i think you provide good insight, if you do choose to answer this

Anyways i'm having a breakdown over the fact i regret opening up to a family member abt my depression bc i think they just invalidated my feelings (basically said dont be depressed :). And to not kill myself bc i am the so called "golden child" and that i do helpful things around the house. Like..wow ok thanks i guess so ppl only like me for the things i can do....not for who i am). I only told them about 1 event/person that has contributed to my depression. And they used that info to yell at me earlier and pretty much say it's normal amd to not let it bother me...I dont think they truly understand how much that event affected me. I guess its a good thing i only told them that and not all the other shit that i've had to deal with. I'm never telling them shit ever again. And them saying they have their own stresses too n shit like yeah i know everyone has worries but i dont think it was necessary to tell me that what i went through was nothing...Like as if i havent been downplaying my depression all these years and is probably why it's gotten so much worse now. Also they said all this while my siblings were in ear shot so now they sorta know about that incident. Which i didnt want them to know about so yeah im really not turning to them for anything anymore, that was the 1st time i ever told them something personal and they've fucked it up

The only thing i would want to tell them is how much they and this whole family makes me even more depressed so much...i fr only feel happy and relaxed when i'm alone or just not with them. I try to like my family i rly do but i just cant and my dislike of them just keeps growing more. I dont have a connection to them. I feel genuinely happy when i think of a future without them. I honestly think this family member is guilt tripping me and my younger sister with the fact that one of my older sisters had to drop out of college and get a job to help the family out. And my other 2 older siblings made some bad fuck ups that has led to more pressure and harshness on me and my younger sister to have a successful life/career. Idk why they have to yell at us about it, get mad at our mom who forced our sister to do that. I never asked to be born and tell her to do that. And they're always on my ass about my art business, they think i'm not trying and keep trying to force their advice on me like dude i got it !! Pls just leave me alone to do my own thing, art isnt easy, it's hard to get business going in tje beginning but i am really trying... they rly think my shop is gonna be popular in one week. Despite how hard it is, art is literally the only thing thats keeping me alive - to be successful in an art business and be recognized for my skills and all that is all i've always wanted. Its the only thing i'm passionate about and determined to achieve. I know what i'm doing but i really dont think they have any confidence in me. This is the only thing i've done that is genuinely for me... i've done most things to meet up their expectations, evem forced myself to go to a year of college bc i knew they wanted to me to go despite me knowing full well i didnt have the mental state to go. Im still trying to build a career for myself, but they really dont think im trying and probably think i'm gonna be a fuck up like my other 2 older siblings

Like fuck it maybe i should just die if it will make it so much easier for them. Like one less person to feed and to house. I've been wanting to die for years now, i should just do it. Sometimes i just wsnt to die to make them feel guilty lmfao but i wonder if they even care enough to feel that way. I'm most likely not going to tho since the thought of failing to do so stops me...i dont want to deal with the consequences of a failed attempt. And i'll be damned if i dont become a recognizable artist before my death. Maybe i should release all my pent up anger on them since they always seem to do that to me. Anyway. This is probablg rly over dramatic lol and stupidly emotional, i'm usually not like this, idek if i can blame my typology on this lol idk if other xntjs and sp 3w4s deal with their frustrations this way

I dont think it is related to being a 3 specifically, but rather this what made you a 3 core. The 3 core mechanisms is actually what makes you survive through this and makes you want to strive.

It's also beyond enneagram. Depression in itself is often the result of someone being stuck for lengthy periods of time in an environment and/or situation that doesn't respond to their needs or doesn't let them respond to their needs. As a side note, yes, depression can start as early as childhood, since a lot of parents are actually adults with lot of unresolved issues and who are just perpetuating a generational trauma without noticing. Some children have a temperament that makes them "adapt" to the trauma, or rather make them fit to the mold, while some other don't and feel how unfit and painful this mold actually is. Both type of children will suffer, but differently.

Being depressed even as a chronic feeling reflect how much the environment is either not suitable for the individual, even if it's family (by blood, I'd rather precise), and/or that the person is struggling to adapt to it. In any case, I would remind you it's not a question of being your fault or not, whatever they tell you and despite all the guilt you feel. It's far more complex than that. I know rationally you will get that, but it's your emotional side that need to be taken care of. You need to see what you can do to accommodate to this environment, while considering it might still be extremely difficult to near impossible for you to completely adapt to it. Lack of adaption and possibility to rearrange the circumstances (powerlessness) will result in stress, anxiety and depression, which has for goal to push you to eventually move out from this environment.

And you don't need to try to like them. You can learn to respect them as their own person, independently of you, but when you consider yourself in relation to them, don't fight the unpleasant feelings. Those feelings are here to inform you about the health of the relationship. It speaks about your need and how met or unmet they are in the given situation and relationship. What you can do is see if a compromise is possible and try to meet it. If despite your attempts your brain compute that it experiences far more bad experiences than good, then it is informing you this relation isn't that good for you (costs are greater than benefits), and from that, you do experience an instinctual response such as avoiding them in your case. Don't fight it, it makes you survive. When something costs more than what you can get, it's only natural you find ways to avoid it and that you feel depleted of energy, thus the stress, anxiety and depressive reaction I spoke above.

If you want to feel like living instead of surviving, then it will be to seek ways to rearrange your environment and circumstances little by little (which can mean changing of place, having less interaction as possible, etc). This dream you have is very important, cherish it and act on it the most you can. This is what will help you see and make the moves to create a better reality for yourself. It will take time, but each steps you take bring you closer to your goal.

Don't hesitate to seek any kind of professional help if possible. It can be a therapist, social worker, even life coach. Do little stuff that makes you feel happy or even just comfortable and relieving, even if it's just a little. Respect the days where you feel more depressed, and take the time to meditate on what are realistic goals for you this day. If you feel apathy or indifference, then your rational is having the lead, so take this opportunity to do things that would have been draining emotionally (tho your thoughts might be pessimistic when in apathy mode, those need to be tackled when you actually feel any agreeable or disagreeable emotions).

Anyway, I know you didnt ask specifically for advices, but I couldn't not say nothing about this. I just think it's normal you have this kind of reaction if you live in an environment that isn't the healthiest for you. It's normal to have emotional outbursts, especially if you usually repress all of it.

As I said, to resume, it's not a question of what type you are, even tho it speaks of what made you that type. Focus on yourself and your own aspiration, I understand it sucks to not be supported and even being discouraged from your goals. Look for ways you can "fit" in your environment that are not to costly vs the benefices you get, and work for the ways that will direct you toward the kind of environment that'll be best for you.

I know, easier said than done. See it as a big project you will need days and months to work upon. The biggest canvas/story you will have to work upon. Some days will leave you with the blank syndrome, some other the lines or color won't seem to do or fit as you'd like, and some other you will only be able to add one motif or line, but some other days it will just come perfect and you will be able to do more.

Anyway, I hope it could help you some bit. If you have any other questions or want some advices, don't hesitate to send an ask. I don't only do typology asks, I do self development and psychology kind of ones as well x)

#ask #depression #environment #enneagram #typology #self development #mental health #advices #3s #3w4 #psychology #needs

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johnwickmorelikejohnthicc · 2 years

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i'm at the point where i'm gonna start rambling on here when things start building up. yeah its sad ik just dont read it. this is for me.

i'm just so tired.

family drama, schoolwork on summer break, being pressured into finding colleges and scholarships (especially as the first one in my family to go away to college), my dog starving himself for no apparent reason, my grandmothers declining health and my grandfather in the hospital, watching my mom crumble under the stress- its all so much. and i'm so tired.

i'm the rock in my family. i try to be a model for my sister and a helper for my mom and dad. i'm the friend in the group who has their life together, who has nothing to complain about. and i really don't. i have a good life with a good family in a nice house. it's just that the little things pile up.

the biggest little thing is that my father is loudly homophobic and i'm a closeted bisexual, but i saw that coming. i live in the deep south, so it's not a shocker. it really only bothers me when he drops the slurs. it's not what's causing me to cry once a week or once a day or whenever.

i guess i'm just going through that growing up stage. my dad isn't my superhero anymore. my older brother isn't the idol i thought he was. my mom is stressed to her breaking point and i can't help. my little sister is a teenager too. friends grow apart and lie because people are assholes.

and even though i'm surrounded by all these people, i've never felt more alone in my life.

my friends hardly talk to me anymore unless i initiate contact. they all have better people to talk to, better people to hang out with. i've always been last on the list, but it's painfully obvious now. i guess i'm tired of that.

my family are at each other's throats. there's fake smiles and fake i love yous. i hear everyone complaining about everyone else so much that i don't even know my own opinions. i'm just hoping they the facade up for my baby neice. she doesnt need to see the nastiness yet.

my dog is... a mess. he used to be strictly outside, just because he hated being cooped up, but week or so ago he stopped eating. he's skin and bones. he sleeps all day, and we're scared to take him the vet. i don't want to put my dog down, especially since i *know* he's not suffering. i can see it in his eyes. i raised this dog since i was in 4th grade. he's been with me through hard middle school years, my first fake friend, my first break up. even though he was outside, he was always there for me. now that we're keeping him inside, i've cried into his fur more times than i can count. losing him is the most heartwrenching thought i've had in a while. i love my dog more than i love myself. i know he's going to die, but its still a devastating thought.

i don't even have motivation to write or draw anymore. it used to be my favorite thing to do, but now i just do my summer work or more chores, or i box until i feel like passing out. i don't do anything for fun anymore. the only time i take for myself is to drive and listen to music and imagine what realities my comfort characters are living right now, even if its just to not think for a minute. then again, gas where i live is 450, and i don't have a job. i can't be spending money i dont have.

and yeah, i know these are all first world problems. i know that my country is a shitshow and, as a woman, i'm losing rights rapidly. i know i shouldn't be focusing on this small shit. i know that so many people have it worse than me and i have no right to complain. like i said, i'm not writing this to get any fucking sympathy or pity. i don't want that. i just want to talk without feeling guilty about it like i do when i get real with everyone else. you guys are just strangers on the internet. if you're reading this, it means youre geniunely curious and i'm not holding you hostage.

i guess my base point is that i'm just tired. i'm tired of coming to brutal realizations that my family isnt as strong as i thought it was, and that my friends don't love me nearly as much as i love them. maybe i need to get out of the house. maybe i need to sleep for a day. maybe i just need to scream and cry without being judged.

part of me wants to be 18 to get out of here. most of me is horrified, because i know that if its this bad at 17, it can only get worse.

anyways, if you read this far, congratulations. you made it through a teenagers pathetic diary post. i don't think i described this very well, but who fucking cares lmao.

i'll probably delete this out of shame in a few days. or maybe i'll leave it up for some poor bastard who feels like their problems arent worth crying over. idk. i'll think about it.

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