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seulrinnie-rinrin · 2 days

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The Man Next Door

SUMMARY | San is your brother’s friend and your next door neighbor. Despite the constant bickering, you can’t deny the attraction between you both. PAIRING | San/Reader GENRE | non-idol!San, smut with no plot, unprotected sex (wrap it up everyone!), fingering, vaginal sex RATING | Mature LENGTH | 4602 words AUTHOR’S NOTE | Hi and hello. Enjoy~

"Can you stop that infernal noise?!" You pounded on your neighbor's door as you heard the sound of power tools once again. The banging went on and on. "Damn it, I've asked you a dozen times to turn down your shi..."

The door burst open, your angry glare landing on a grinning face. "You know, Y/N, I don't say shit about the noises you make when you're working on your remo..."

You cut him off before he could finish. "I want it quiet! And I mean really quiet!"

"Well, damn." He crossed his arms in front of himself and leaned against the doorframe, obviously amused. "And here I thought you were going to storm into my place and grab my tools."

You let out a groan and ran a hand through your hair. "You're so annoying San. If I wasn't so pissed off at that loud ass thing over there I would kick your fucking ass."

He burst out laughing. "See? You like me after all. What if I said no?"

"Can we not?" You let out a sigh. "Please, can I have some quiet?"

"Why? You have a guy over or something?" He raised an eyebrow, knowing you didn't get a date often enough for anything like that to be true.

"What's it to you, huh? Jealous?" Your mouth twitched up slightly as you tried to hold back a smile.

"Hell no, I'm just curious, is all." He held up his hands defensively. "So who is he? Your boyfriend?"

"Fuck off, San." You rolled your eyes. "But if you wanted to know, my parents are visiting me and I would appreciate it if you kept the noise to a minimum. Once my parents leave, then we can start our bickering like usual."

"Is that a promise?" His eyes glinted mischievously.

"Fine."

He gave you one last leer before turning around and closing the door behind him. You made your way back to your condo next door, your parents curiously giving you looks from the living room where they sat watching TV.

"Is everything alright with your neighbors?" Your mom inquired as she took a sip of her tea.

"Sorry about that. San is remodeling his place right now." You replied, your cheeks growing hot as your dad snorted softly.

"How romantic." Your mother commented wryly.

"Mom, please." You rolled your eyes and waved your hands at them. "He's like the most irritating person ever and-"

"You're still arguing with him, Y/N?" Your brother walked out of the bathroom. Seonghwa gave you a strange look before taking a seat next to your mom.

"Seonghwa, I swear I am going to kill that man." You mumbled angrily as you rubbed the bridge of your nose. "Of all people, how did your friend end up being my neighbor?"

"It's destiny." Your brother replied cheerfully, causing both of your parents to laugh. "It was meant to be. You two should go out together. There's nothing wrong with trying."

"Mom! Tell Seonghwa to stop it." You glared at your mother.

She giggled as she continued talking to Seonghwa. "Yes, love. Your sister and San should get together. How many times has he looked at her?"

"A lot." Seonghwa smiled as he watched your face grow redder.

You groaned as you got out of your chair and headed towards the kitchen. "I hate my life sometimes."

"Oh come on. If you hate the thought of going out with San, then why don't you just find an actual boyfriend?" Seonghwa pulled you back by the waistband of your pants. Your mouth fell open as your gaze landed on your brother. He gave you a smirk as he started pulling you back towards the couch. "I think Yeosang is single..."

You turned to your parents. "Mom, Dad. Please tell your precious son to stop hooking me up with his friends. It's getting old and I swear I will hit him if he tries this again."

Your parents chuckled as they shook their heads at you. They knew that your brother was just doing it because he loved you. He didn't care if you ended up liking them or not. All he cared about was that you found someone special to spend time with and make memories with.

They weren't stupid though. After all, you hadn't dated anyone seriously since breaking up with your first serious boyfriend. If he wanted you to settle down soon, then it only made sense that he'd try to set you up with a good looking guy with good family values. One that wouldn't cheat on you or be too needy. That's what your brother had always told you.

San.

Despite him irritating you to no end, he was a good guy. A kind-hearted person that would never intentionally hurt another person. You knew that because even when he was teasing you mercilessly, you couldn't help but see the soft side of him. It was impossible not to, especially when he was being sweet. And sure, you couldn't deny being insanely attracted to him either. His voice, those ridiculously perfect lips, his gorgeous eyes... Everything about him screamed sexy, and the way he treated you when you were alone with him made you weak in the knees.

"Y/N? Are you okay?" Seonghwa placed a gentle hand on your shoulder.

"Yeah. Just give me a second." You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Opening your eyes again, you looked up at your brother. "Do you think it's a bad idea to ask him out?"

"Oh? Do you perhaps like San?" He raised an eyebrow, and then started to laugh as he saw the look of horror cross your face. "Kidding, Y/N! Of course you do. I don't think he'll mind the fact that you've been crushing on him since high school."

"I have not been crushing on him since high school!" You exclaimed defensively.

"Uh huh. Tell yourself that. Because I'm pretty sure he noticed." Seonghwa chuckled. "Do you have dreams about him too?"

"Stop it." You groaned.

"No really. I won't stop until you admit it." Seonghwa smirked.

"I'm going to punch you in the face when Mom and Dad aren't around." You grumbled, glaring at your brother.

"So...?" He grinned mischievously. "What are you going to do?"

You groaned as you got out of the couch. "Mom, Dad. Don't stop me when I throttle my own brother. Seriously."

They laughed as you stalked towards the door. Grabbing your phone off the counter, you slammed the door behind you and headed towards San's place next door. San was outside washing his car when you walked out. His head shot up when he saw you standing there, and you immediately felt your face heat up. God, it was hard not to blush every time he caught your eye. As much as you hated admitting it, San was incredibly attractive. But even more than his appearance, it was his personality that got you. His humor, his kindness, and the way he teased you constantly...

God, you wished you were less awkward around him. You spent so much time daydreaming about what it would be like to kiss him and spend the night in bed with him, that it had become difficult to function normally around him, hence the bickering with him over the years.

"You okay there, Y/N?" He spoke softly as he came closer to you.

You shook your head, a small smile on your lips. "It's nothing. Just Seonghwa being annoying as always."

"Ah, Seonghwa." San let out a laugh. "Trying to matchmake yet again?"

"Shut up." You muttered under your breath.

His smile grew wider as he moved in front of you. "Who was it this time? Jongho? Mingi?"

You shook your head. "Yeosang."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow, surprised.

"Really, really." You sighed. "I told Seonghwa that I'll beat him up the next time he tries to butt into my love life. So that means I owe him a beating."

San cocked his head to the side as he studied you. "Hmm... A chance to hit Seonghwa for you. That does sound fun."

"Feel free to beat him up. He is your friend after all." You shrugged and shook your head. "Anyway, I came here for something else. Seonghwa won't leave me alone unless I ask you this...Do you...Uhm...Think it's a bad idea to ask you out?"

His smile grew bigger as he pulled you close to him. "Oh my god, I can't believe I have to hear you asking me this question already. We've been friends for years, what makes you think it's a bad idea?"

You frowned and bit your lip. "I just feel like it might cause problems between us... Ugh." You huffed and looked away from him. "Nevermind. Forget I asked."

"It's fine. Really." He placed a gentle finger under your chin and gently tilted your head upwards. "It's perfectly normal to want to ask a friend out. And I know you like to look at me when you think no one's around. Even if you pretend you don't, I know you do."

"I swear one of these days I'm going to beat you up instead of Seonghwa." You mumbled as you stared into his eyes.

He let out a laugh. "Are you going to start fighting everyone you meet now? It's cute. Kinda."

You blushed slightly and quickly looked away. "Stop flirting with me. You're making me lose focus."

"I wouldn't dream of it." He winked at you before releasing your chin and stepping away.

You crossed your arms and glared at him. "So... Will you go out with me?"

"Maybe." He smiled cheekily.

Your jaw dropped and you widen your eyes. Was that a yes? "W-what?!"

"Shh. Be patient." He winked at you. "Just wait for my answer."

"But-"

"One. More. Minute." He smiled. "And then you can say whatever you want."

"Seriously, you guys need to just make out already." An annoyed voice called from inside the house. "You two drive me crazy sometimes."

"Oh, dear God." You mumbled under your breath. "Seonghwa is coming out now."

"Hello, loverboy." Seonghwa laughed as he walked out of your condo. He patted San on the back. "I take it that my crazy, violent sister asked you out?"

"Yeah. She kinda did." San chuckled, reaching for your hand and intertwining your fingers with his.

"Well, I suppose it's better late than never." Seonghwa smirked. "Still though, it's about time you guys went out."

You rolled your eyes, a small smile on your face. Seonghwa wasn't exactly wrong. In fact, he was right. You had gone out with your friends and tried dating other people without success. But honestly, there was something missing in those relationships. Something that you felt only with San. Sure, he was a huge flirt, and he was usually joking around whenever he saw you. But it was more than that. You could always tell how genuinely happy he was to see you. How excited he was when he saw you smile. And his caring nature... He put you first in everything. Always putting you before himself. He always wanted to make sure you were safe and taken care of, before thinking of his own needs.

The fact that he was super hot didn't hurt either.

You squeezed San's fingers tightly, wanting to convey to him how much you cared about him. You also wanted to show him how happy you were that he agreed to go out with you. For some reason, you felt nervous that he might say no, despite the fact that you both knew you wanted each other. You knew he liked you. Hell, you liked him too. He was the only person who seemed to understand you, who knew how to push your buttons and get under your skin.

"Y/N, why are you squeezing my hand so tight?" San laughed.

"I'm not." You mumbled, slowly letting go of his hand.

Seonghwa burst out laughing. "Sure you are."

"Ha ha." You smirked. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with this very handsome man." You turned to San and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"I'm going to show you how to properly kiss later." San laughed, his arms snaking around your waist.

You grinned and wrapped your arms around his neck. "Can't wait."

It was a Saturday afternoon and you were relaxing on the couch while watching a movie with San. You had to admit that you felt a bit nervous being wrapped in his arms, but you couldn't deny the butterflies flying around in your stomach every time he touched you.

"Are you feeling alright?" San asked you softly. You hummed in response and looked away. "Is there anything wrong?"

"Do you really want to know?" You rolled your eyes playfully. "It's like I've lost my mind or something."

"Losing your mind doesn't mean that you've lost your ability to speak." He lightly poked you in the nose.

"And yet you still manage to insult me, Choi San." You snorted. "Fine. I'm just freaking out."

"Why?" He asked, concerned.

"Because..." You sighed and ran your hands through your hair. "There are so many things I'd like to do with you...Things I've fantasized about doing since high school."

"Oh? What kind of things?" He smirked.

You bit your lip nervously. "Like...kissing you senseless. And sleeping in your arms all night. And waking up next to you... You get the picture."

He leaned in and pressed his forehead against yours. "Okay, okay. I'll make all of those things come true."

Your heart started racing as he pulled back and held your gaze. For a second, you thought he was going to kiss you, but he quickly moved away, giving you a smile instead. You couldn't help but frown a bit. Ever since you agreed to go with San, he had yet to really kiss you and you weren't sure why. Sure you, kissed. A peck here and there but it wasn't nearly enough. You longed for the moment when he finally did kiss you, fully and passionately. But so far, he had refrained from even trying. Maybe you were expecting too much. Perhaps you should just go with the flow. Let things happen naturally.

Right?

Later that night, you found yourself in bed, staring at the ceiling.

This is stupid. I should stop thinking about him and just sleep.

You scolded yourself. You've been doing it for years and nothing bad happened, so what's stopping you now?

Sleep. You need to sleep.

Closing your eyes, you tried to ignore the fact that San's face kept flashing before your eyes. You attempted to block out the memory of his soft lips touching yours, your hands running through his silky hair and the way his muscles flexed beneath your touch.

Focus. Sleep.

Nope.

You sat up in bed and grabbed your phone from your nightstand.

If I can't fall asleep, I may as well text him and try to talk to him. At least it will occupy my mind for a while. Right?

It only took you a couple of minutes to compose a message to San. You closed your phone and tossed it onto the bed next to you. Not two minutes later, your phone vibrated and you jumped at the unexpected sound. Picking up your phone, you read San's reply.

San: What did you want to talk about? Can't sleep? I'll hold your hand until you doze off.

A goofy grin spread across your face as you read his reply. Your heart skipped a beat at the sight of his name and it was difficult to suppress the butterflies fluttering in your stomach. Before you realized it, you were typing another message to him:

You: Hard to sleep when all I could think about is kissing you senseless. Tried to count sheep. Didn't work.

Minutes passed and you got a notification telling you that San replied. You hurriedly unlocked your phone and opened his message.

San: What else were you thinking about? Want to share them with me?

You reread his message and a wide smile appeared on your face. It only took you seconds to type it out.

You: Weird thoughts of you.

San's reply came almost instantly. Your cheeks flushed red as you stared at the screen.

San: What kind of thoughts? Sexy ones?

Before you knew it, you typed out another message.

You: Want to know what they were about?

San immediately replied. His response made you blush again. Your breathing picked up as you stared at your phone, waiting for his response.

San: Give me details. Now.

Slowly moving your thumbs, you typed out your reply.

You: Thoughts of your fingers running down my body. Fingers that would eventually find their way inside me.

A few minutes passed before you received a reply. You peeked at your phone anxiously, wondering if he was done responding. When the message alert popped up, you couldn't hide your surprise.

San: And in these thoughts of yours, did you like my fingers? Because I would love to use them...All over you.

Wow. Just wow. That sent chills down your spine and it took everything you had to remain focused on the topic at hand. Thinking about how good his fingers felt made you imagine how it would feel to be underneath him, feeling his strong arms wrap around you as he pinned you down. Oh god, you couldn't stop thinking about it. In fact, the thought alone sent shivers down your spine. You barely noticed when San responded again.

San: Yes. You liked them. More than you ever imagined possible. I'd like to make those thoughts become reality. One day. Soon. Please?

You bit your lip, before responding.

You: Kiss me first and then I'll let you do whatever you want.

San replied a minute later.

San: Whatever I want?

And you proceeded to write the next part.

You: Whatever you want. From the way you touch me to the way you taste me.

Several moments passed and San's reply came through. Your eyes widened as you read his words.

San: Why don't we make our fantasies come true? Tonight. Come over here. Now.

Letting out a small laugh, you pushed yourself up and headed towards his place. It took you but seconds to reach his condo, but you didn't waste any time once you arrived. You knocked on the door loudly, anxious to see him. A moment later, he opened the door and you felt your heart rate pick up. Without saying a word, you flung yourself into his arms, wrapping your legs around his waist and pressing your body firmly against his. He returned the hug fiercely and placed his hands gently on your hips, deepening the kiss.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he broke the kiss and rested his forehead against yours. You pulled away and looked into his eyes. The intense look in his eyes was making you feel slightly dizzy and nervous.

"Is this okay?" You whispered softly.

He brushed your lips with a thumb. "Never knew that you wanted me this bad."

You smiled and wrapped your arms around his neck. "I do. I've wanted you forever."

His hands snaked around your waist, pulling you closer to him as he kissed you again. You moaned in pleasure as he deepened the kiss. After several minutes, he pulled away from you and smiled. "Come in."

With one last lingering kiss, you reluctantly pulled away and entered his home. After closing the door and taking your shoes off, San pushed you gently against the wall, holding you firmly by the hips. His mouth hovered above yours as he watched you, trying to take in every little detail. Finally, he lowered his head and planted another soft kiss on your lips.

The kiss was brief, but it left you panting. You brought your hands up and pressed them against his chest, enjoying the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat. Slowly moving your hands up his back and around his neck, you pulled him closer to you.

"I want to do a lot more than just kiss tonight, Y/N." San said huskily.

"Yes." You whispered back. "I want to do more than just kiss too."

San's lips left yours and trailed down your jawline, leaving wet kisses along the way. Finally, he stopped at the base of your throat and slowly nipped your skin, causing you to moan softly. Leaning in, he kissed the spot where he bit you and you whimpered. "Don't make me wait anymore, Y/N."

You reached up and grabbed his shoulders, keeping him in place as he continued to tease you. Slowly licking up your neck, he lingered on your pulse point and teased you with feather light kisses. "San... Please..."

As if reading your mind, he gripped your chin tightly and lifted your head. His eyes met yours and you saw desire blazing behind them. Gently brushing his lips against yours, he lifted you up and carried you to the bedroom, leaving a trail of kisses behind him. Once in the bedroom, he kicked the door shut and began undressing you as soon as he set you down on the bed. Your shirt flew across the room and landed somewhere on the floor, followed by your shorts, bra and panties. His lips pressed against your skin, eliciting soft gasps of pleasure from you. You squirmed under his touch, desperately wanting more.

Suddenly, San pulled away and his hands grabbed the hem of his shirt, lifting it up. His eyes remained fixed on yours as he revealed his bare chest. With one swift motion, he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it aside. You could feel your breath catch in your throat as you gazed at his muscular torso. You reached out and caressed his abs lightly, enjoying the soft feel of his skin beneath your fingertips. You pulled at the waistband of his sweats and soon had them off of him, tossing them to the side.

You didn't have to ask twice; San immediately rolled over on top of you and pressed his lips against yours. He pinned your wrists above your head, covering your body with his own as he kissed you passionately. Moans escaped from your lips as his tongue slid past your lips, plunging into your mouth. After a few moments, he pulled away and stared at you with hooded eyes.

"Do you want me, Y/N?"

"Yes." You whispered softly.

"Tell me how badly you want me."

"Very badly."

San leaned forward and sucked on your bottom lip, gently biting it before letting it go. "Good girl." He said, kissing you again.

Again, his lips left yours and moved down your jawline, leaving wet kisses on the way. He trailed his kisses lower, stopping at the hollow of your throat. His hot breath fanned across your skin as he licked your skin. His fingers suddenly clasped your breasts, squeezing them roughly. Your nipples hardened under his touch and a low moan escaped your lips. You arched your back, pushing your breasts further into his hands, craving more.

San's hands dropped from your breasts and trailed down your sides, coming to rest on your hips. One hand trailed slowly down your thigh and pressed against your pussy, making you gasp. "You're wet, Y/N." He said in a husky voice. "You're so wet for me."

Unable to form coherent sentences, you simply nodded your head.

"Touch yourself." He commanded. Sitting up, you placed your palms on your thighs and used them to spread your legs wider. You glanced up at San and found him staring at you with lust filled eyes. "Touch yourself, baby."

With shaky hands, you tentatively touched yourself, moaning softly as you ran your fingers along your clit. You gasped at the sudden rush of pleasure that coursed through your body as you began to finger yourself. The pleasurable tingling quickly turned into a throbbing ache between your legs. When you felt the telltale sign of your orgasm approaching, you slipped two fingers inside yourself, stretching your pussy wider.

"Fuck, baby." San let out a moan as he watched you pleasure yourself. "Tell me how you're feeling."

"So fucking close." You managed to say. "Please, San... I need you inside me."

"I'm not gonna make you wait much longer." San groaned. His gaze softened as he gave you a slow smile. "But for now... Let me watch you finish yourself off."

Normally when you touched yourself, it never felt like this. But the combination of watching San's eyes glaze over with desire and having him watch you touch yourself, intensified the pleasure tenfold. The pulsating ache became even stronger and before long, you felt yourself begin to tense up.

"San...I can't hold back..." You moaned, pulling your hand away from your wet pussy. You felt a burst of heat rush through your body as your orgasm ripped through your body, sending wave after wave of pleasure coursing through your body. The force of your climax caused your knees to buckle and San instantly rolled over, supporting you with his arms. His gaze fell upon your flushed face, a content grin plastered on his face.

"That was beautiful, baby." San said, kissing your forehead. "God, I've been waiting all night to hear you call out my name."

"San, I need you now." You pleaded softly. "Please."

"Yeah, baby." He breathed heavily. "I know."

In an instant, he sunk into you, filling you completely. As soon as he did, your eyes fluttered closed and you held onto him tightly. The overwhelming sensation of him finally being inside you sent tremors of ecstasy coursing through your body. You cried out as he slowly thrust himself into you, setting a steady pace. Each movement was a reminder of how perfect this man was for you and how lucky you were to have him.

"Fuck, San..." You let out a moan.

He gently stroked your hair as you clung to him, murmuring loving words in your ear. Together, you rode the waves of pleasure as your bodies intertwined. Your hands grasped onto his back, relishing in the gentle contact of his skin. Every touch made your heart race faster and soon you were reaching the peak again. You moaned his name as your orgasm crashed over you, causing you to squeeze him tighter. As you neared your release, you felt San begin to shudder beneath you. You opened your eyes to find his gaze locked on yours.

Slowly, he buried his face into your neck and let out a loud groan. "Y/N... Fuck... Baby... I'm gonna cum."

You tighten your grip around him, urging him on as he poured everything he had into you. For a moment, nothing else existed but you and him as your bodies clung together, relishing in the blissful afterglow. After several moments, you released his back and lay there in silence, trying to catch your breath. As your breathing slowed, you felt San's weight shift slightly, rolling over onto his side. With a smile on your face, you turned your head and nestled into his warm embrace. He pulled you closer to him and placed a soft kiss on your temple.

After several moments, he spoke softly in your ear. "Did all your thoughts and fantasies come true, Y/N?"

You laughed quietly. "Every single one."

He grinned and kissed your cheek. "Mine too."

#ateez #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez smut #ateez san #san #choi san #san x reader #san smut

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pastafossa · 19 hours

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I love you guys. I hope you know that.

Like.

Ok so I posted the new TRT chapter the other day. Obviously. And I had to force myself to do it, to click that final, 'post' button because at that last moment, this big wave of imposter syndrome hit (that had already hit on and off as I'd started working on the chapter again). And it was just this cycle of, 'It's been like 6 months since you posted a chapter or anything other than a couple one-shots and you're out of practice, I bet it's bad, it's probably terrible, I bet everyone's left and no one cares about this thing you love so why do you? What if no one likes it, you're gonna drop this and everyone's gonna god 'wtf is this, pasta? what happened?'' And so I forced myself to post it, took my meds to ensure I slept, and then kinda just bunkered down and slept/hid because I was halfway convinced that all the trauma in the previous six months had just bopped any ability I had to write.

Instead I got this outpouring, of just like, 'WELCOME BACK' and people telling me they're happy that mom is ok (which made me cry but in a good way) and they're sorry Cato passed away (more tears, but comforted tears), but also delightful jokes about the funny lines I put in or screaming over that romantic line or about missing Jane and the dynamics and comments about being eager for the next chapter, and how now I can be one of those AO3 authors with those notes of 'yeah my life blew up so I was delayed, but hey I'm back!' which... yeah. And much like when I first started TRT, I didn't... really expect that at all, and it's made me really emotional.

So if you've dropped into my ask box or the comments or the replies, seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, because the excitement and love and just you all being the best little fam and continuing on this journey of TRT with me - a journey that has now included both Matt and Jane's journey, and a real life journey through a pandemic, a huge move, a passing of two of my pets, my mom's hospitalization and recovery, some heart issues, the cancellation and resurrection of the show, me meeting Charlie Cox and getting him to hold a red thread, my first wood carving event, etc - and I know I say this a lot, but you all really, really help me keep going when things get hard. I'd write TRT for nothing, I would, because I love this story and I intend to see it through, but ya'll just... I love you all tons. I'm hoping to get through the asks and fic comments and replies in the next few days, but I just wanted you guys to know that.

#i cannot understate how much i cried when i woke up and saw all the comments #and then when i posted about the chapter being up and got a bunch of excitement i just like #i was SO convinced i'd lost something after all the bad things and that some part of me had been lost in it #especially writing a chapter without my old kitty who had sat with me through every goddamn chapter #since the day i first sat down to write it #but the reactions have just... they were really comforting #so thank you #the red thread #and now we look forward to so much more <3

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 2 days

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Aita for venting?

Emojis, so I can find it later 💯⁉️💥 (unrelated, I just use them a lot)

So I(16) have been struggling with depression since I was, like, 10. It's been worse and better over the years, but something that really triggers it is extreme weather. Dunno why, but if its hot as fuck outside I *will* be considering suicide.

I regularly go to sleepaway camp every year. I usually do two weeks and usually go during the summer rainy season. Well, a year or two back (can't remember, got that depression and ADHD memory loss) I went later on in the summer than I usually do, and it was really fucking hot out. The whole time.

I could deal with it for a couple of days, especially because I was having a bit of romantic tension with J(16) (not real name, not even real initial). "I can survive any situation as long as I have a crush on someone there", or whatever that post said. He was really sweet and also suffered from depression. We talked about our struggles together, and he seemed to be responsive and chill about it. He did have trauma from his past with loved ones committing suicide, but he seemed to have worked through his grief and didn't have negative reactions when it was mentioned.

Here's where I might be the asshole. Eventually, the heat got to be too much for me, not to get too graphic but I was making plans, so I sent my parents a letter asking to pick me up. I waited a couple days for them to recieve it, and they did and called and said they would pick me up in the morning.

I delivered the news to everyone by being quite vague about what I had to go home for. When pressed, I said my parents didn't give any details and I was a little worried. That explained my acting weird away to everyone, but not J. He didn't believe me for one minute, and was determined to get to the bottom of it.

He took me outside, asked me what was wrong, and told me it was ok to tell him. It took a little convincing, but I eventually broke down and told him I was having suicidal ideation and that I needed to get the fuck out of dodge or I might do something drastic. I specified that I would be completely fine once I got out of the oppressive heat and humidity, just that I had to go home ASAP. I did ask him not to tell anyone because I didn't want them to worry, which I realize now was unkind. I should have at least told a counselor so that he wasn't alone.

Anyway, he immediately started having full-fledged PTSD flashbacks. I couldn't tell at first, but then I realized what was going on and tried to comfort him. It didn't work. The counselor that came check on us just kicked me out. I went back inside feeling guilty, but I was hoping that I reassured him enough that he would be ok.

He acted normal for the rest of the time I was there (we even kissed! That was my first kiss) and made me promise to text him when I got home. Naturally, I did, reassuring him and telling him I was feeling infinitely better now that I had air conditioning and my phone. When he got home from camp a week later, he seemed a little freaked out but seemed to be mollified by my texts.

However, a couple days after that, he texted me out of nowhere, saying that I shouldn't have told him about what I was going home about because I gave him constant PTSD flashbacks for the rest of camp. He felt sick with worry the whole time. I felt like shit, obviously, so I responded with profuse apologies. He seemed to accept them but still feel a little resentful.

I still feel really fucking bad about it. I actually haven't told anyone I know IRL about. Well. Pretty much anything bothering me since. I know that's a bit of an overreaction, but I don't want to do that to anyone else.

So, am I the asshole?

(By the way, if you were there or know me, I would love it if you could just ignore this. Please and thank you. And also never make me know you read this cause that would be embarrassing as fuck lol)

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

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forgottenarias · 1 day

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just some nonsense about aria i rambled about to get it out of my brain, i guess?

idk what this is but once again i went off on a tangent abt aria thanks to some influence from arthur ;) [honestly why can't i deep dive on all my characters like this rn]

Thinking about Aria pre conquering and her previous attachments-- I'd contemplated if she had some sort of tragic backstory, like there was a knight she'd sort of formed a bit of an attachment to leading up the invasion and he was killed in battle or smth along those lines, but I think her whole sense of being was SO wrapped up in being-- i'm not going to say Eilia's right hand necessarily bc i don't think she was doing tons of like... talking about policy or military issues or anything, but an important part of her life as the queen of Astaira. it sort of lead me to realize I don't think she's really had much in terms of romantic notions/courting/etc in her past? Part of that I think was just who she was-- pretty quiet and reserved and probably hiding somewhere w/ Aoife at social gatherings whenever possible! I remember Kate and I joked asp about the two of them having sort of useless husbands who just did their own thing while the women ran the country-- I don't think having a USELESS husband was her plan but she def sort of imagined a union/partnership (weirdly I don't think romance was playing into this vision of the future for her, despite the fact I think she's very much a closeted romantic!) husband who was intelligent, scholarly, and had his part in the running of Astaira-- so while she never imagined her sister would try to set up a political marriage for her, she def always assumed if/when that happened it would be something that made sense for Astaira. It was all very practical and sort of in line with that idea that Staffords are servants of Astaira. So she'd probably end up with the one who wasn't the worse and, if not at some point feeling SOME sort of romantic affection for him, at least they could be friends of sorts and share common interests have have children who, of course, would then be tasked with helping the crown and continuing the cycle on and on.

which i'm now realizing, sort of like his fear that no one will care for/love/be loyal/etc to him for just forHIM, Aria just never allowed herself to think that would be possible but, again, in a practical way?! like obviously everything goes back to what is best for astaira & helping her sister & carrying on the work of the stafford family, etc. (also i don't know if eilia realized that was sort of her worldview? i think its not anything she'd openly discuss with her sister honestly...)

BUT NOW there's this GUY who is almost in every way the antithesis of who she imagined herself ever being drawn towards-- like, if this were a bad early 2000's teen movie, she'd be the head of the debate team and he'd be the captain of (insert sport here) and WHY would they EVER even talk to each other?! haha! but then obvi she's seeing this different side of him that she expected to be there-- plus clearly SHE'S having some sort of affect on him and his thought process thanks to all their walks and talk/arguments ;) I think that's not something she's ever HAD before outside of her friendships (and while there is some sort of version of friendship there clearly its something else, what with the whole conquering/captor/flirt thing that's happening) and she just... likes how this is progressing? i think at first it was a "oh great-- more fuel for my fire of trying to worm my way into the good graces of the new regime and sow discontent from within!" but now she's making this real human connection and its scary and its annoying and its making her have all of these thoughts and see things as not black & white and she HATES that but also she is invested entirely now? and she may not have even realized it atp?!

all that being said there are still these little doubts that flair up-- which i think is sometimes part of the reason she reacts so angrily/aggressively at times (bc as we've discussed emotions are hard! don't think abou them in a healthy way!) I DO think every time she allows herself to think about "what is this connection, where is it going, what does it mean?" part of her is like "you're over complicating this-- there's probably some version of you in every castle/town/whatever this guy stops at w/ his deranged dad and you are NOT special and this is NOT different!" and i think some of that may be reinforced post Amira's Terrifying Tea Party when she figures out smth was happening w/ Eithne and she's like "oh okay, so that's his country lady he probably walks around w/ having some version of the same conversation!" (honestly the pair of them both having versions of 'oh, i thought this was something, guess its not..' is...so perfect) and she's like 'im obviously the lady entertainment when he's stuck in the castle!'

But then there are those moments where is DOES seem different and its enough to keep her coming back and trying to figure it out! i think hes right sometimes abt how she feels-- there were def moments where she's like "i want to hurt him, he deserves this, he could have stood up to his father and stopped this if he cared!" but i do think those have subded bc she realizes, again, this is not black and white and he actually has things he has to consider that SHE would consider, too! --namely his family!

plus, adding to that, there's everything I said about her realizing the manipulation is working-- i think she's confused if its working bc of ACTUAL feelings/emotions or if its working because he's kinda dumb and is just easily lead-- deep down she KNOWS its option one, hence why she feels the guilt about potentially doing something that would hurt him! and then adding in a rather, i think, fundamental shift in their views towards themselves/each other with his SHOCKINGLY DEEP AND INTROSPECTIVE confession about his views on his possible fate! i think beyond the whole "holy crap!" of the moment, it resonated w/ her in an unexpected way bc she's grappling with who she going to be in the world now that her whole purpose (helping Eilia as she rules Astaira!) has been taken away and while I think she's desperately trying to fill that void w/ her mission to save the guardians (also can we talk about the amount of pressure she is putting on HERSELF with this? oof), in the event there isn't a catastrophic event caused by the fall of the guardians, she doesn't know what her future is? is she stuck in this castle the rest of her life? does roderick finally off her when he's fed up with astaira being a problem? its not necessarily the same as arthur w/ his sole purpose in life to be emperor for his fate/his family's fate, but i think she sees some sort of connection there as well.

but now here we are and i realized that she's processing these emotions (poorly) on top of the 'you're a bastard, surprise!' announcement + amira's tea party so she's probably just... mad at arthur for reasons that aren't his fault + maybe has been ignoring him for awhile now? bc emotions & she doesn't want to hurt him & his father hurt her & did i mention... the emotions?

also if anyone made it this far WHY and I"M SORRY.

#about

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faeirtopia · 2 days

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ʚɞ ; first night with lars!

pairing! boyfriend!lars x fem!reader.

warnings! this is quite obviously very sexual.

lars is a goofball, we all know that. he’s that way with you and all of his friends but we are now speaking about the first night with you. he’ll take that very seriously unless he’s feeling nervous.

lars will make jokes or even goof around with you to lighten up the mood if he senses the nerves between the two of you. might sound silly but it’s important to him to make you comfortable.

he’s romantic, he’s clingy, he’s loving, and he really wants to worship you and your perfect body. no matter if you don’t think it’s perfect, to him? you’re a goddess and he’ll take time to slowly take off your clothes and worship your perfect body he loves.

“you’re so pretty baby.” “god you’re so perfect.”

“this is all mine.” “you belong to me, hm?” “fuck.”

lars will want the lights dim, not off but dim to set the mood according to him and have candles lit, since it’s the first night of you two being together he wants it more than just “sex” or “fucking” it’s love making to him and he’ll cherish this moment.

though lars wants this to be love making and very memorable.. he wants to be rough and he’ll get rough. he’ll ask for permission first but deep down he hopes you’re okay with him being a bit rough.

lars is HUGE on dirty talk. it’ll start off that way with him, he’ll make sure to say all the right things to get you excited or flustered but more so.. wet.

“you like that babygirl?” “you feel so good baby.”

lars is a certified lover of you riding him. yes it’s the first night but he’s imagined this for a few months now and wants it to start off with you riding him.

he’ll talk you through it. large hands gripping your waist and helping you ride him as he tells you just how well you’re riding him and how bad he wants you to cum for him and only him. I can’t do this

after some foreplaying, he’ll ask you about a playlist.. yes he’s put together a playlist for the two of you to have sex too. all the best songs he thinks that will be great for you two during this time.

“you’re such a good girl.” “uh huh just like that.”

“ah, I’m about to cum.” “you’re so warm baby.”

lars will ask you about cumming inside, he won’t if you’re uncomfortable but if you are… the man turns into a monster (in a good way) but he’s very into it.

since it’s the first night/time with him, you were surprised to hear how loud he is. he’s a very loud groaner, growler, and well grunts. he wasn’t afraid to show you that and he was very comfortable.

you couldn’t complain because you already loved his deep voice but every sound he made was much more deeper and sexier. something you could record and listen to over and over again later on.

lars would want to go a few rounds, with your permission of course but he wouldn’t be satisfied with just one round. he had to show you how much he loved you and how beautiful you are with multiple rounds with maybe a break in between.

“let me hear you angel.” “tell me how it feels.”

“feel good, hm baby?” “want more? tell me.”

lars will take aftercare very seriously. not just because it’s the first night/time with him but because he loves taking care of you and will go all out to make sure you’re comfortable and feeling okay after everything you two did that night.

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tsuyoiqueen · 7 months

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‼️ SEASON 2 FINALE SPOILERS ‼️

i'm having trouble articulating my thoughts but it just hit me how much change loki has brought into mobius' life.

that conversation they had in the past, when mobius told him about how he spared a variant and his partner had to do the pruning instead, got high praise for it and became a judge... i don't know, you can tell he doesn't regret it but he's so resigned. he knows that he isn't as trustworthy in his co-workers' eyes since he made that "mistake" — that his empathy, his showing mercy, his "heart of gold" isn't appreciated at the TVA. it never was and it never will be. he was demoted from his job and transferred to the department of analysts, fated to get buried under paperwork and never really seeing his purpose as anything but a heavy burden.

and then loki shows up, someone that mobius already admires, someone that he has been watching in the sacred timeline for at least a while, and in spite of all the signs pointing to trouble he chooses to trust him. a decision that, at first, feels like another error in his judgement, another failure added to the list, when loki bails on him in season one, but turns out completely different from what he imagined.

loki isn't just mobius' friend, loki represents hope. he's the only living proof that mobius' kindness isn't a flaw because loki appreciates that in him! he trusts his leadership and listens to him unlike anyone else in the TVA has ever done. but more than that, loki doesn't expect anything in return, there's no hierarchy, no give or take, they just make sense together. it's the first relationship mobius has ever had where there's no stakes, he doesn't need to be anyone's favorite analysist to have a place in loki's heart. loki just likes to be around him, whether they're working on a case or simply eating pie and chatting. point is: they make each other happy.

so at the end of season two, after loki steps through that portal and doesn't look back, mobius is grieving. he hasn't just lost his best friend, someone he deeply cares about; he's also mourning the loss of his hope, his purpose. so much so that he's grasping at straws to keep himself afloat.

you see, in season one, if mobius could go anywhere he would've gone to find himself in his own timeline. but when loki asks him about it in season two, he says that he's not even curious about it because that isn't his life, the one he has at the TVA, with loki and the rest of his friends, is. that's why when he's starting to lose hope that loki will come back, left alone at his desk, he decides to look for his file and see that other life. everybody else is moving on, so why doesn't he?

that's when i realized how much he loves loki because even when he's there, faced with a life he could only dream about (he even tells sylvie that his house is the best in the block and he likes the front yard. please, he loved it) he still hesitates. he doesn't want to move on, he wants to wait, if there's even a small chance that loki might come back to him.

to me, that's where we're shown that they're equals. we start the season getting introduced to a loki that's desperately slipping through time in search of mobius, running straight to him as soon as he's finally recognized. then midway through, we understand how much mobius, the TVA and the other characters mean to him and just before the season finale, loki stares into mobius' eyes and tells him "it was about what i wanted."

now, we're watching the same exact scenario. mobius probably tried to look for loki but couldn't go far as he doesn't travel through time like him, so he resigned himself to wait until it got to the point where he was aware he needed to move on. and yet, he can't. it's not about what he should or need to do, it's about what he wants and that's beautiful. it's such a relief that loki finally found someone that perfectly matches his devotion, after all the heartache and loneliness. i can't wait to see what they do next, that ending was nothing like i expected but heartbreakingly beautiful nonetheless.

#loki #mobius #mobius m. mobius #loki season 1 #loki season 2 #loki laufeyson #lokius #time husbands #marvel #i just want you guys to know that it's not only about the shipping #obviously i would love it if they made it romantic #but regardless they love each other so much #we should acknowledge that more #loki season 2 spoilers #loki spoilers #aryspeaks #loki analysis

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chirpsythismorning · 1 year

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There isn't much discourse about how Mike went from saying that El was a weapon in s1, even encouraging the others to use El's powers when she was still recuperating after finding Will in the void, to then in s3 accusing the others of being reckless with her powers, saying she's risking her life for no reason.

Now, I want to make clear that I'm not bashing Mike here, this has less to do with what he's doing being right or wrong. What this is about is how Mike went from doing something himself, to calling out other people for doing it, without acknowledging that fact and why the writers chose to frame it all this way.

You might think it's insignificant, but these two following scenes are clearly being paralleled to each other. And so the fact that Mike himself is acknowledging this as something to be critical of, makes me wonder what exactly is going on in his mind...

I want to preface this scene from s1 by saying that Mike is giving very off vibes here. I know that I certainly viewed this scene as romantic the first time I saw it, but since rewatching it recently, I was getting completely different vibes.

They literally make a point to focus on Mike being distracted, on the verge of impatience. Then, the way El reacts upon Mike getting up abruptly, gives this feeling of uncertainty about Mike's consideration for her in this moment, as she's clearly not what's on the top of his mind right now. And it just makes you wonder, are we truly supposed to be feeling peak romance rn?

I never realized how out of place this scene was until now (or is it...). It's just such an odd choice to have El resting her head on Mike's shoulder for comfort, only for Mike to cut it short with him being distracted, and with Dustin and El looking awkwardly at Mike like "Okay?...", then followed by a scene where he's trying to convince the others to use El's powers to help.

Here we have s1 Mike displaying behavior that s3 Mike was calling out the others for displaying:

Here we have Lucas, who was very, very critical of El being dangerous ALL of s1, and yet now in complete contrast to that, he is showing more consideration and common sense for El's well being than Mike, the supposed love (at first sight) interest ...

'That's the most important thing, remember?'

A question, followed by Mike just standing there in silence, like he's only just now really thinking about El being safe as their main priority... This is something that combined with everything else unfolding over the course of this season and the seasons after, that makes Mike's behavior a whole lot easier to understand.

I'll have to make several other posts about this, because there are a lot of aspects to it, but for now I'm just going to focus on these two parallels.

Here we have what happens in s3, with Mike being critical of the others doing something he himself literally did in s1:

In fact, how careless all of you are.

THIS. When Mike makes it a big deal to call out everyone for doing something he himself has already done, he's outright admitting that it's something that he believes is wrong, and by not even slightly acknowledging his role in doing something similar in the past, it's very likely that he feels guilty about it.

This was probably his way of trying to make it right, by standing up for El in a way that he didn't before because he was treating her like some superhero and not a real person back then.

It's just that the word love slipped out, in the heat of the moment. And El, upon overhearing this, is seeing this development of Mike herself, with s1 Mike going from, yes being more kind and considerate than the other 2 boys in the beginning, but still sort of expecting stuff from her without her being able to verbally agree to it, to now having developed and changed to saying that one of his big priorities is her safety.

El is taking this as being evidence he went from not loving her, to loving her. Another reason why it's pretty obvious El didn't believe Mike's monologue, bc she herself witnessed Mike develop his apparent romantic feelings for her over time, and so him saying it was love at first sight, was probably the catalyst that made it abundantly clear to her that he wasn't being truthful, bc she knows it's not the truth. She's not stupid.

Again this isn't about Mike doing this back then or even the others doing it now as being bad vs. good, this is about the writers going about it this way, sending a message that Mike feels guilt, enough to try to make things right, but is apparently not ready to unpack the actual guilt that is beneath the surface which lead him to this point.

And then there's this scene, which... it's actually terrifying how obvious it is they instructed Sadie and Caleb to lean out of that shot with Will and Mike reacting to El entering the room... Like... It's SOO obvious when you watch it now what they're trying to hint at without saying it.

Not only are they hinting at Will's feelings, because that is part of it, they're also hinting at Mike's internal struggle. Will is always on the back of his mind whether he's willing to address it or not. And all while that is happening, he is feeling unaddressed guilt about how he treated El when they first met and spent that one week together helping her run away from the bad guys while also looking for Will, something Mike viewed as being worthy of El using her powers...

I'll have to make the other posts regarding this soon, because it all starts to click what's going on with Mike when you look at all of these things together.

While Mike is just a kid like pretty much everyone else in this story, and while he didn't mean any harm by asking El to help them find Will (none of them did), I think that's kind of the whole point?

I think that he got lucky superman landed on his doorstep, who just so happened to be in danger herself, giving him his own purpose to help her too, with her needing him as well, and so it became a situation where they both needed each other.

But because El could literally not speak, it's not like she could really voice her feelings about things they were doing, beyond yes and no. She had Lucas sort of being critical of her, with Mike encouraging El to do things that would make the others see her as being worthy of sticking around so they can find Will. It goes without saying she felt obligated to do these things, even if they didn't outright tell her she had to or else. We literally see almost all of these scenes with her doing stuff for the others being instantly juxtaposed with scenes of Brenner doing the same. It's not the same scale of severity, but it is an acknowledgment that although she is outside of the lab, she still feels like her powers are what define her and it's all people want from her.

I think what it comes down to, is that in that moment when she is sacrificing herself to the demogorgan at the end of s1, we are seeing in real time Mike realizing what he and the other's have been asking of her this whole time, without outright asking her.

And you can literally see the retaliation and devastation hit him all at once. The instant regret, where he's backtracking and El stops him from even trying.

'Goodbye Mike' singles him out, because while he was the one out of the three that showed her the most kindness from the start, he was also the one who at the end of it all, was still expecting her to risk her life for them...

And that just makes it hit so much harder when you think about how that made Mike feel in that moment.

And then in s2 how that impacts Mike and his journey going forward.

His breakdown at the end of s2 upon her return.

His behavior in s3-4, in relation to him juggling his relationship with Will and El, now that they are both in his life at the same time.

It all starts to make sense.

I won't go too much into it because those other posts are bound to be long with a bunch of pictures too!

But on that note, there's at least one thing Mike isn't acknowledging, and it's literally what led up to the unintentional love confession that then led us to 10 more episodes of miscommunication because of it...

It's going to be important for him to address this guilt for him to fulfill his arc and to also close off his expectations that he has to have a romantic relationship with El in order to keep her in his life at all.

The audience themselves seeing this and being forced to face it is also going to make it a lot easier for them understand why Mike did what he did, not only because he's a queer kid in the 80's who has every reason to doubt and repress, but also because he understandably feels sort of indebted to El after everything.

It's more complex than him just falling out of love with her and falling in love with Will because of XYZ.

I think there is a lot of guilt and shame and trauma connected to their meeting and the events that followed. And addressing that is going to give a lot of closure to the ending of the story and also the beginning.

#byler #stranger things #mike wheeler #i feel like mikes arc always comes off as convoluted to most viewers bc they’re missing the whole picture #like this is literally canon #Mike went from doing something to saying other people doing it was wrong without acknowledging his role in that from the beginning #and so ppl using that development as aww he loves her now…#doesn’t even work when apparently he loved her since the moment he saw her…#not being willing to pay attention to how they are building up mikes arc #dancing around all of his actions with #everyone makes mistakes bc they’re children and that’s okay #and just leave it at that…#bc yes obviously all of the characters should be able to make mistakes and be forgiven #but were ignoring the elephant in the room here #it’s canon Mike feels guilt for how he treated el in s1 yet he hasn’t acknowledged it…#instead of acknowledging his history of doing something similar #he’s pointed out everyone else doing it as if they’re doing something wrong he himself would never do…#as if he doesn’t have first hand experience #they could have actually made this moment romantic and genuine IF they wanted to #they could have had mike open up about how he used to do that #but after getting to know el and realize she is her own person #it made him think differently and he wants to do better by her #then maybe when she confronted him in front of everyone he could have said it again or asked to be alone to say it to her directly #and to apologize for how he acted in the past by expecting stuff of her #and THATS why he is extra cautious now #and then got her reaction #instead they give fans the impression Mike is the ideal male love interest #who is perfect for el #with this moment being one of their top reasons #and it’s a scene where he avoids confronting series long built up guilt…

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