#or just because his emotional state is so volatile right now. hes scared and confused almost all the time now. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

etlunainmorte · 3 years

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Vergil X Reader: True Feelings

~ Hello, everyone! This is my present to Exy ( @impendingexodus ). A little Vergil X Reader to warm up your holidays!❤❤❤😍😍😍

I hope you like this! And Merry Christmas! ❤❤❤😍😍😍

***

He knew this feeling all too well. After all, he did experience something like this a long, long time ago.

However, this time around, Vergil felt it was even more difficult than ever before.

It was one of those days when he just couldn't control his temper. The simplest things would easily annoy him, and the deadliest words would just spill out of his mouth uncontrollably, regardless of who was present.

Maybe it's just old age or frustration getting the better of him, or maybe it's his brother's incompetence in many things that pulls the two of them down as Devil Hunters but, whatever the case, he just couldn't explain why he explodes like that at times. Yes, that's the word. He just explodes.

Sadly, the last time he did that was when (Y/N) was around.

Actually, the girl didn't do anything wrong. She didn't step out of the line. However, the way his brother lingered to her, the way he touched her, the way he looked at her, it just,... sets him off. Normally, Vergil could withstand his brother's suspicious behavior towards (Y/N) but, this time, he felt,... different.

After all, he knew this feeling all too well. He experienced something like this a long, long time ago.

However, this time around, Vergil felt it was even more difficult than ever before.

Needless to say, the moment Vergil let out those poisonous words that threatened to burn his throat like acid, he felt as if someone just poured hot water right on top of his head. He felt so hot all over, he could feel his anger coursing through each and every part of his body beginning from his veins to the tips of his fingers and toes. He felt so close to exploding, to triggering, and yet, the moment he saw the tears dangerously coming out of her (E/C) - colored eyes, he instantly felt his heart dropping to the darkest pit of his stomach. The moment she ran away, scared of what he has become right before her and Dante, Vergil felt this deathly coldness seeping through those same veins that brought the heat of wrath all over his body. And when she ran away from him in fear like that, he felt a precious part of his being leaving him forever.

Precious,...

Was (Y/N) that precious to him? He didn't know.

All he knew was whenever she's with him, he feels very calm. When she's around, he feels this warm sensation glowing deep within his core. All those negative thoughts that constantly plague his head, of darkness, and evil, and danger, would instantly leave his body, to be filled with warmth, and something very soft and tender that he couldn't quite explain. In a very short time, (Y/N) has become a very bright beacon for Vergil. The beacon that calms his mind, and gives him a feeling of reassurance that everything would be fine despite the chaotic state of his being.

In all honesty, Vergil wanted to surprise her. He wanted to give her a little something for Christmas. After all, she has done so much for him during the past few months, even when he was still not the man he is now. After acquiring those memories from V, he realized how much she has cared for him. How she took care of him when he's wounded. How she fed him when he's starving and how she clothed him when he felt cold. How she stayed with him despite all difficulties and how she remained by his side during all those trials. And even when she first met the real Vergil, she did her best to understand the situation. Despite her confusion, she did her best to learn about his kin and the truth, and darkness, behind his family name.

And even when she found out the things he has done in the past, she chose to remain by his side. She chose to believe in him.

She chose to always be there for him.

However, Vergil knew he's becoming such a burden towards her.

More so, he's becoming more and more volatile towards her when Dante's around.

Dropping the Yamato on the ground next to his feet, he collapsed and went down on his knees, his chest hurting as the image of her crying popped into his head.

Just earlier after his outburst, Dante tried to reason with him. His brother tried to calm him. As a matter of fact, Dante received a few slashes from him before his senses finally resurfaced. Through his hyper sensitive eyes, he noticed his brother helpless on the ground, refusing to fight, and still trying to reason with him.

And through his hazy mind, he saw her anguished face once again. Begging him to stop. Begging him to listen to her.

Right then and there, Vergil morphed back to his human form, drew the Yamato, and made a portal to this isolated place where no one dared to follow him.

It was the place where he separated his human self from his demonic self all those months ago.

And as he knelt there, regretting all the actions he has done, he thought of nothing but (Y/N).

Of how much he wanted to see her smiling again. Of how much he wanted to spend the rest of the day with her. Of how much he wanted to feel her frail body against him. Of how much he wanted to feel protected and loved.

Protected and loved,... by her.

But he has messed up. His jealousy,... has driven her away,...

Yes, jealousy, that's the word.

Jealousy has driven Vergil Sparda mad.

How would he get her back? How could he explain everything to her? Would she even believe him? Would she even listen to him?

"Vergil?"

There. Just now, he heard her soft and tender voice. Oh, how he missed that sweet, sweet voice of hers.

"Vergil, are you alright?"

And even his mind was playing tricks on him. How could she know where he was? Unless,...

The man scrambled to his feet, turned around, and saw none other than her, (Y/N) herself, in the flesh.

But,... how?

She gave him a little smile as she made small steps towards him, probably still wary of him and how he would possibly react.

This made Vergil wince. Has he really fallen low enough to make her frightened of him like that?

"I don't understand." Vergil began as he watched her get closer and closer towards him. "You didn't have to follow me here,... "

Her nose bridge wrinkled ever so slightly at what he just said.

Oh, how adorable she looked doing that,...

"But, I'm here for you." She said as she looked up at him, her eyes ever so gentle and her voice ever so soft.

"I don't even deserve you." Vergil answered. "Do I,... even deserve you?"

(Y/N) sighed as she shook her head. Fishing something from her pocket, she said, "I thought I would wait until midnight to give you this but," From her pocket, she produced a small gift he reckoned she wrapped herself and gingerly handed it to him. Placing her hands behind her back, she nodded at the little present in his hands. And with that adorable little smile of hers, she went on, " ... I guess there's no better time than tonight, right?"

A series of words came out as mere mumbles from Vergil's mouth as he looked at the gift then at her, then back at the gift once more, and this made her chuckle.

"Go on! Open it." She invited.

With a deep breath, Vergil placed his fingers on the little bow and carefully pulled it loose, letting the soft fabric wrapper fall flat on his palm.

What he saw confused him at first. It was nothing more than a small bundle of handmade bookmarks of all shapes and sizes.

How - ?

Then, he finally remembered. He finally remembered, and it actually made his eyes sting.

"Do you remember this?" (Y/N) began as she pointed at one particular bookmark that looked like a bird. "We both made this one to look like Griffon. I remember he was so annoyed by this, he actually tried to rip it apart!"

"(Y/N), I,... " You,… you kept these bookmarks,… all this time?

"Oh! And this one." She went on, now pointing at a gun shaped bookmark made from colorful pages of old magazines. "I remember there was a storm. We couldn't go out so we borrowed some of Nico's old Artisan magazines, and we were inspired to make our very own weapon. But, we're not Artisans, so, instead, we made this to pass the time! Do you remember, Vergil?"

"I - "

"And this one." She said, pointing at a Christmas tree shaped bookmark. "Do you remember this?"

Vergil closed his eyes, still trying to contain the emotions that were flooding out. He nodded, simply because he couldn't trust his voice.

"It was my idea." Vergil said, his voice hoarse and low. "I told you I'd buy as much books as I can with my own earnings as a Devil Hunter and spend the holidays reading them with you."

Vergil waited for her answer, and a few moments later, a smile creeped up on the corner of her lips. "Well, the books are ready, if you still want to come home with me."

"W - what do you mean? What is - ?"

"Umm, I mean, there's comedy, and tragedy, romance, poetry, of course, and those comics you saw at the local book shop once. The Far Side series. I got all your requests."

"I had no idea back then if I would live long enough to experience this day with you." Vergil added, his emotions betraying him.

"Hmm? You're here with me, right now."

"I knew I was at death's door, and I didn't want you to worry."

"But, you came back."

"And I was a terrible, terrible man." Vergil went on, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. The pain of bottling up all of his emotions.

The girl tilted her head to the side. "Why would you say that?"

"I,... hurt you! Despite everything you did for me, I still made you cry. I don't,... deserve someone as good as you!" Finally letting the painful truth go, Vergil sighed and gave her a pleading look. "I want you to have a happy life together with the man you love. I don't ever want you to experience pain, or suffering, or sadness. I want the best for you.

"(Y/N),... it's the best I could do for you for everything you've done for a,... shameful,... and tainted man,... such as myself."

There. The words were out, and honestly, Vergil felt so stupid for saying those.

And (Y/N)?

Well, the girl seemed to agree with him on that!

"W - what's so funny?" Vergil mumbled in embarrassment as he watched the girl control her mirth. "D - do I have s - something on my face?"

"Oh, you are a terrible, terrible liar, Vergil!" She spoke through her laughter.

Ah, it seems I have lost to her yet again,... "And what do you want me to say?! (Y/N), be with Dante because you deserve each other? Go out, spread the happy news, and,... multiply?!"

"Who told you I like Dante?!" The girl went on as if she's mocking Vergil's words.

Ah, so much for letting out those crushing and painful feelings,...

"Well, do you?!"

"Oh, dear, of course, I do! But, only as a friend." The girl informed him, then rolled her eyes. "And who said anything about," she stepped closer, dangerously closer, towards him and pressed an accusing finger against his forehead. Which looked very cute, considering the gap in their heights. " ... MULTIPLYING WITH YOUR BROTHER?!"

"Y - you mean, y - you're not in love with Dante?" And once again, Vergil felt he was back in middle - school, confessing to his very first crush.

Once again, Vergil heard her laughter. And her loveable snort. Oh, how he missed the sound and the sight,...

Then, without warning, Vergil felt something very soft and sweet, the taste of cherries, and,... chocolate? Against his lips. Then, the flowery scent of her hair assaulted his nostrils. Her smooth arms went around his neck, and he slightly felt her weight when she clung to him. He closed his eyes, wrapped his muscular arms around her shapely waist, held her oh so close to his chest, and finally,... finally! Moved his lips against hers.

Heaven. It felt as if he has died and gone straight to Heaven. He, a sinful man who has committed grave mistakes in the past, was being showered with love and affection by the loveliest Angel he has ever met.

With the rhythm of their lips and the soft moans of the girl he loved, Vergil felt that a great blessing has just entered his life.

Yes, he may have lied to her about him wanting her to be happy with someone else. Yes, he told her that he didn't deserve someone as good as her. But, deep inside, he wanted to be hers, and hers alone. He wanted to hold her like this for the rest of his life. He wanted to do more than read those books with her. He wanted the two of them to make their own stories, together. And,... more.

Vergil opened his eyes and saw her pouty lips as he broke the kiss that seemed to go on forever in their heads.

"I,... have a little surprise for you, as well." He revealed, his voice sounding as satisfied as it can be.

"Really? What is it?"

The corner of Vergil's lips curled up in a mischievous smirk, and this sent delicious shivers down (Y/N)'s spine.

"Oh, my love, you can keep guessing until we get back home." Vergil teased as he carried (Y/N) like a Princess.

"My love, stop being a tease and at least, give me a hint." The girl teased back with a mischievous smile of her own.

My love.

Those,... were the sweetest words he has ever heard in his entire, miserable life.

"You want a hint!" Vergil exclaimed theatrically, planting a chaste kiss on her forehead. "Let's say it's something you'll be mesmerized with for the rest of the evening,... "

***

@dmcsecretsanta

***

#vergil #dmc5 #dmcsecretsanta #dmcsecretsanta2020

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taramikealson · 4 years

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What If I Stayed? Chapter 1

I Do Not Own The Vampire Diaries Or Any Of The Characters In It.

Klaroline fanfiction

The crescent moon rose high up in the night sky, stars glimmering from light-years away. She could just faintly make out what seemed to be Orion’s Belt, not that she’d know. She was horrible at finding the constellations. But, nevertheless, the stars were pretty and it gave her mind the clarity it needed.

Her life strayed quite a bit to what she thought it would have been. If someone had come back and told her a year ago that she’d be in a somewhat stable relationship with Klaus, she would have laughed in their face. Back then, she couldn’t deny to herself that he was attractive and that his voice sent shivers down her spine, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t scared of him. He was, after all, a thousand-year old Original hybrid that lacked mercy. He was ruthless and went beyond the line to make a point.

He killed people and she was scared that if she pushed the wrong buttons, her heart could end up on the floor.

Time. It’s a riveting thing. It changes perspectives.

Slowly, Klaus had gone from complicated semi-villain to complicated semi-friend. She’d gone to him for advice or supernatural knowledge, because, let’s face it, he knew everything about everything. There was a slow shift in the so-called ‘friendship’. Klaus became more bold in his flirtations and Caroline had slowly drifted toward him after she and Tyler had called off their relationship due to the strain of long distance and his inability to balance his time with his pack and his time talking to her over the phone.

Tyler, inevitably, blamed Klaus for their break up, but Caroline knew better.

Then, Klaus had left for New Orleans on a hunt to find a witch that Katherine had expressed was plotting against him. He was then rudely aware that his time flying to New Orleans and trying to find the witch gave Katherine ample time to get out of town, disappearing again. Anger ran through his bones but, instead, concern flooded his system when Stefan called him, telling him that Silas not only went after Caroline’s mother, but also Caroline herself. It didn’t take him long to arrange for a private jet to fly him back to Mystic Falls.

It took a little convincing on her part, but eventually Klaus agreed to help them take down Silas. Although they defeated Silas, the veil had come down, reeking havoc on the town. At least a few good things came out of it. Alaric and Jeremy came back and Klaus got to see his brother again, although half of that time was spent convincing him not to murder Jeremy.

Nonetheless, they went on with their graduation, where Klaus, yet again, had to step in to save them from a gaggle of angry witches. After graduation, Caroline and Klaus lingered, walking down the red carpet as the night air bore a clarity. There, he became bold enough to give her a gentle kiss and then left her with her feelings. Caroline was secretly glad that he had left because the kiss nearly winded her. That moment was what had started it all. Then, came summer.

They’d spent more time together, talking or sitting in comfortable silence. She noticed that his behavior began to change. He seemed more at ease and less... volatile. Caroline wasn’t naive enough to think that it was wholly her influence, no. She had an idea that perhaps Klaus came to the conclusion that since he enjoys Mystic Falls, for a reason that Caroline has no idea, and that hurting the Salvatore’s or anyone in the town would mean there’d be resistance against him. Although, that was just an idea. She still had no clue at this point.

But, one thing had been clear this summer; Klaus cares for Caroline in his somewhat twisted way. Either way, she knew he’d never hurt her or the ones she loves - at least not anymore because if he did, he’d lose her.

As well as his new behavioral status, he’s made, somewhat, amends with her mother. Liz was extremely unsettled one evening when she’d found one of Klaus’ coats hanging on her desk chair. She would have assumed it were Stefan’s or Matt’s but they were ruled out when the tag stated, ‘John Varvatos’. Even though Caroline had explained that she and Klaus were taking things really slowly, her mother was pissed. It took a rehearsed and thoroughly well-worded explanation from Klaus, one that Caroline nearly had to beg out of him, that he was just simply visiting her and left his jacket after an important call led to him leaving for his house on short notice.

Oh, and did she forget that Stefan left? No call, no text. Not even a freaking email. He just left. Although, Caroline could understand why he’d want to. His ex-girlfriend and brother are shacking up at his house. She wouldn’t think he’d stay there, but she would have thought he’d actually tell her goodbye at least before he left.

But, Stefan wasn’t the reason she was sitting in the window-frame looking up at the stars, at least not the whole reason. It was the night before Caroline started college. Caroline and Klaus had sat in the living room, talking. He had gotten a phone call and when he came back into the room, Caroline had noticed his posture was stiff. Naturally, she inquired about his dampened mood. He’d been a little short with her, answering that he was on a call with a vampire that may have had some information about Katherine. Then, Caroline’s mood turned sour. She hated Katherine but hadn’t she suffered enough? Elena had already used the cure on her and Caroline doesn’t doubt that it’s been her worst summer ever. She couldn’t imagine how it would have been like to be a vampire for half a millennium and then suddenly be human. In fact, it’d be even hard for her at an early age. She’s just so used to the strength and speed, its instinct for her now. Caroline had stated her opinion to Klaus who narrowed his eyes and explained, a little heatedly, that “Katerina’s betrayal” could not be ignored. She’d crossed her arms and expressed, perhaps a bit too sharply, that she’d been through quite a bit and that Klaus didn’t need to continue chasing after her. Like, it had been five hundred years, right?

Wrong.

Once, Klaus’ jaw clenched tightly, she knew she hit a nerve. It wasn’t her intention, and she now admits that her tone was a little too harsh, but he had to hear it from someone. Without their knowledge, Caroline’s mother had come around the corner from her room to see the commotion. Klaus had scoffed. Caroline replied, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think Katherine’s had enough crap. I mean, she’s human now. I’m pretty sure that’s enough punishment as it is. And, it’s been like centuries. You need to let it go.”

“I can’t, Caroline!” He had shouted, yellow had dripped into his eyes. She remembers how he even seemed shocked by his outburst. Caroline had seen her mother at the corner of her eye, and when she turned towards her, Klaus was gone from his spot. The thud of the door connecting with the door jam made Liz jump a little.

Normally, when Klaus acted out, he’d be confident and sure of himself. Yes, he would react with emotion but never had she seen him surprised by that. If he did something, he’d take full responsibility and be proud of himself, most of the time. It worried her a little. Maybe he’s feeling burdened?

The cool breeze air swept through her window, blowing her hair back. Her mind came back to reality when Megan, their new roommate, had walked into the dorm. She greeted Caroline happily before retreating into the bathroom.

So far, Caroline really enjoyed college, except for the unexpected new roommate. She wanted to have the whole college experience which included getting drunk with Elena and Bonnie in their dorm room as they talk about boys. But, that was ruined when Bonnie took an unexpected trip to see her family in Colorado, or was it Nevada? And Megan didn’t make it any better.

The room door opens smoothly with footsteps following it. She first assumes it’s Elena until she looks up to see, none other than, the Original hybrid. His face was solemn yet neutral. Caroline turned back to look outside with a sigh. Klaus continues forward until he sits down at the head of her bed, a foot or two away from her.

“I think we are overdue for a chat.” His tone is somewhat light but reveals a sliver of nervousness.

“You think?” She retorts and immediately regrets it. She shouldn’t have said it like that. He was willingly here, nearly an hour away from Mystic Falls, to personally speak with her. She sighs, “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair.”

She turns her hard to look at him and she just registers the hurt expression on his face before it disappears.

He clears his throat before leaning forward, elbows on his knees.

“My actions Sunday night were unbecoming.” He begins. “Your mother-,”

“Just got a little spooked.” Caroline finished for him. His eyes seem to glimmer with a ray of hope. Her only thought was that he was now thinking he was out of the ‘doghouse’ so to say. He wasn’t entirely wrong. Caroline raises up off the window seal and sits next to him.

“My mom’s not used to that side of you, she doesn’t exactly know the difference when you’re just pissed or when you’re ready to rip someone’s heart out.” She explains as Klaus looks away from her and towards the window.

“I should not have spoken to you-,”

“Like a jerk?” She questions almost playfully and Klaus lets a smile grace his face as he turns towards her. His hand rises and lands gently against her forearm.

“You are making this apology a bit difficult, sweetheart.”

She produces a smile of her own at his statement. Her heart warmed in the thought that he was so set on apologizing to her, but it wasn’t necessary. “You don’t need to.” His head tilts in confusion. “Apologize, I mean.” She clarifies but that was not the reason for Klaus’ confusion.

“I’m not quite understanding.” He says, eyebrows furrowed.

She sighs before speaking. “Well, my mom will probably still need an apology from you, but that’s not my issue. I gave you a little bit of space the last two days because, frankly, you looked as surprised as I was at your little outburst.”

His head drifted away from her in thought. “I mean, it seems like you’ve been on edge for a while. Why?” She didn’t think it had anything to do with finding Katherine because he’d been doing that for all the time she’s known him and he hadn’t acted like that before, at least since everything’s died down. There wasn’t a reason for him to act that way at all considering there wasn’t anything supernatural going on to divert his attention and give him any sort of strain.

Klaus seems hesitant as he looks away, as if he’s not willing to share something with her.

“Hey.” She cups his cheek, encouraging him to look at her. He does so, slowly, but downcasts his eyes. “Tell me.” Caroline requests softly as she trails her hand down his throat, shoulder, and arm.

He makes a huffing sound before raising his eyes to her’s. “I’m not sure how best to explain this, but my werewolf side has been… stirring. And it longs to be released, thus the reason why I have been recently turning on full moons.”

Caroline blinks. He had been turning? How hadn’t she noticed? And how are there not been any mauled bodies found in the woods? “You’ve been turning? Why haven't there been any animal attack reports?”

“I am in control of my actions when I turn. At least enough to avoid killing any humans. Your mother is the town sheriff but I only get so many chances with her.” His eyes can her’s. “And I knew you’d disapprove if anyone were to be harmed.”

It was a little surprising to hear him say that. Of course, he’d always have the thought of what she’d think in the back of his mind, but it was different when he actually admitted it.

“What do you think caused it? It couldn’t have come from nowhere.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not too sure. Although, I wouldn’t rule out basic supernatural knowledge. I’ve only been around werewolves for a short period of my life, and been part one for even less. As much as I know about the species, it doesn’t come with the information of what it feels like.” He explains, Caroline tilts her head in interest. It was funny, she’d never really talked to Tyler about how triggering his curse felt, only how he felt about his vampire side. Although, was it possible about what Klaus was saying? It’s true that he’s only been a true hybrid for a little over a year and she knows that he has a lot more advantages than an average hybrid, but was it possible that he could also have a different disadvantage? Perhaps, heightened emotions, or maybe a larger temper near the full moon? These days, that wouldn’t be as surprising to her seeing as they just put down a two thousand year old psychic.

“If anything changes, you’ll tell me, right?” She asks with a sympathetic smile. He lets a chuckle escape his lips, the air in the room becoming lighter.

“As you wish.” He answers and stands from his place. Caroline follows suit, taking hold of his shirt and pulling him towards her. Klaus’ head inches down, eyes sparkling with mischief, knowing exactly what she was about to do.

Caroline pushes herself up on her toes to connect their lips before pulling his head down, making her feet land flat on the floor. His hum of acceptance makes her heart pound in her chest. Their lips continue to interlock, playing a dance that the both of them know extremely well. His tongue brushes against her lips and teases the roof of her mouth, deepening the kiss. This has most definitely not been their first intimate kiss, nor does she think it’ll be their last. She can vividly remember when Klaus and she had sprawled out on his expensive Persian rug, blanket draped over her legs, and a crackling fire at their feet. They had both shifted from idle chit-chat to a comfortable silence that wasn’t so rare. Her head leant against his shoulder. It all started with a chaste kiss to the top of her head, which grew into a kiss to her lips. Then, soon thereafter, she ended up straddling his hips, their mouths moving together in unison. Caroline hadn’t really enjoyed make-out sessions too much with other boys, but with Klaus, to call it a make-out session would be too crude. It was more of a dance, one that he knew very well. His hands would wander in the right places, her back, arms, neck, shoulders. He understood that they were not yet in that stage in their relationship where they’d take it any farther than kissing. As well as that, he respected her decision. In past relationships, boys always expected her to sleep with them, but not Klaus. Both him and her understood the weight of their relationship. With Klaus, it was all or nothing, so she had to be sure that he was what she wanted and that he’d be a good match for her for a long time.

The sound of the shower in the next room over has Caroline pull away. Klaus disgruntledly groans in displeasure, opening his eyes almost lazily.

“Megan will be out here soon, you should go.”

“Megan?” He parrots in confusion.

Caroline rolls her eyes. “Yeah, mine and Elena’s new roommate since Bonnie isn’t here. I guess the school just assigned it to her.”

“Is it so bad that they see me here?” He asks, not spitefully but playfully.

“Yes!” She exclaims under her breath.

He chuckles before bending down and stealing a kiss from her. With his head still close, he whispers, “I’m headed back to Mystic Falls. There is a certain Sheriff that I owe an apology to.”

Caroline smiles widely. “I’ll call you.”

His only response is a smirk and a gust of wind before he was gone. Not even seconds later, the bathroom door opens and clouds of humidity escape the room as a towel-clad Megan walks out.

“Was someone here? I thought I heard voices.”

Caroline shakes her head. “No, it’s probably some people in the hall, it’s right on the other side of the bathroom.” She lies smoothly, heading towards her dresser for some sleep clothes.

She really hopes Megan doesn’t snore.

I intended to have this as a quick drabble but when I had seen the nearly six pages, I was surprised. I thought I would have gotten a little farther into the drabble than I had with it being this long. If I get some good feed back I’ll probably post another part to it, even though I think I will do it anyways. Hope y’all enjoyed! :)

#vampire diaries #klaus mikaelson #caroline forbes #the originals #stefan salvatore #damon salvatore #klaroline drabbles #klaroline #klaus x caroline #fanfic #college #drabble

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testicularmanslaughtrr · 3 years

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I kind of just want to...babble so pardon me I don’t really want to *talk* ironically given the subject matter I just want to confess myself and here seems like a good place for it so forgive me

Dunno why I’m apologzing, I know it’s my tumblr just a force of habit

My emotions have been so strange lately. It was weird having to tell my new...prescriber... counselor person that it’s hard to officially say my “mood” because I’m never in one constant state. One second I’m as close to fine as I can actively describe The next I am a sobbing panicking mess on the floor And another 5 seconds later I either feel nothing or I am laughing and having a good time. It’s a whirlwind and it’s confusing and honestly it has been making me very self conscious.

I suppose that goes hand in hand with many of my other fears and laments.

Lately I have felt very lonely. A feeling I haven’t deemed...allowed since I have somewhat isolated myself. The fear of being seen as a hypocrite is very real. I don’t want to be in a groupchat right now, not even one I created because it just made that lonely and unwanted feeling all the more unbearable. There’s no worse feeling than being miserable at a party, and that was the vibe. Surrounded by people I do ultimately like but Either my brain says it’s not the right interaction and or I just Want to leave the party. There’s other reasons sure, but I don’t want to think about that.

There’s this pit, this desire for interaction that I can’t fulfill and it’s troubling. I want to talk about my problems, I’ve been openly criticized about opening up but...Professional help so limited and among those I care about I don’t feel I have a place for that. I’m an overwhelming presence. I know this about myself, as much as people may try and soothe those anxieties I know I am. I have many many deep rooted issues I need to sort out, I am drowned nearly every day in my misery and my paranoia. None of these are easy to deal with Even less so to help carry. All those I trust with my more fragile tendencies are also those who suffer greatly. People I’ve promised I wouldn’t overburden with my struggles, people who I don’t *want* to constantly have to lean on People who have already told me they can’t handle my weight I don’t blame any of them for this, I blame myself mainly. No one should have to suffer my pain with me. Say what you want about “support groups” but How am I supposed to not feel guilty when I share my pain and have to see the tired look on someone’s face or hear their awkward silence when they don’t know how to respond? “I have a support system that helps take care of me. you should try it sometime.” Lately those words have been burned into my brain and I can’t unsee them and it’s torture As if that is really a luxury I have. I have never truly felt like I have had people able to take care of me. Possibly cruel to say but who in their right mind is equipped to take care of a mess like this? Such a volatile and...just truly stupid creature? I know I know, you shouldn’t say awful things about yourself it just solidifies it etc but Many honestly agree with me I’m not smart, I’m not wise, I’m... A Lot And i hate being a lot. I hate being this. I hate being unbalanced and stupid and impulsive Yet scared and panicked so often. I’m terrified I want to die I’m so afraid people are going to leave me I want to convince everyone to cut their losses and live their lives without me I’m so desperate lately from scraps of affection from certain people And at the same time I want to convince them why I’m unlovable and why I am not worth their time The duality of mental illness I suppose ha Last night was...so hard.

All of the last 24 hours has been so hard. My partner collapsed again, second technically third time in about 3 years? He acts like it was nothing, I shouldn’t worry I still sobbed hysterically and was terrified all night about losing him. My mind flooded with visions of his funeral What I would have to do without him Practically seething at him that he wasn’t worried Because to him he just blacked out and then was back It’s fine right?? He feels fine afterwards! I sobbingly wailed at him that he doesnt have to see his eyes go strange, the color and life leave his face, to see his body slump so heavily as he *stops breathing* He doesn’t understand when he comes to why I am prying his mouth open desperate to get air in him, why I’m sobbing and clinging at him to not leave me. He’s okay, he assures me We need to schedule him a doctor’s appointment Which falls on me to do the work, the research, the calls It always falls on me Appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping etc etc etc It falls on me, the household burdens and I feel my back shudder The weight wanting to snap my spine and crush me beneath it I’m so fucking tired I’m so tired of being scared and angry and sad I either want to cry every second or I can’t make myself feel anything I know a lot of this is a chemical imbalance...but environmental factors certainly play a crucial role.

On top of that And realizing my best friend has moved which I am happ for my brain just hates being happy My father also once again drunk texted me thus leading me down the rabbit hole of both resenting my parents and feeling the shame of being an awful son. We’re really just a family of awful people. Ha It’s genetic I’m so tired I want to be happy, but also I don’t think I do? At the very least I’m not allowed. I’m afraid to be happy. I know what I want but I’m in no place to seek any of it. Fuck ups don’t have any room to ask for happiness. I have many things to say. To spit. But I must keep everything neatly folded. On top of that the fear of being happy and then ruining it Shattering it Very very real. At least at rock bottom I feel like it can’t get worse If things get good, I’m terrified. I will still strive to be better, keep pushing forward But gods I am so afraid of the future.

My this is Very long and unfocused If you did read this I am so sorry But thank you for letting me vent Something about a public diary is comforting Anyways I have a sandwich I have been neglecting to spew all of this

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pearlsephoni · 3 years

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The Trial of Shoyo Hinata’s Rising Heartrate, Witness Three: Tanaka

Can also be read on AO3!

Rating: T (just for language)

Fandom: Haikyuu!!

Pairing: Kagehina (Kageyama/Hinata)

Characters: Ryuunosuke Tanaka, Shoyo Hinata, Yu Nishinoya, Chikara Ennoshita, Hisashi Kinoshita, Kazuhito Narita

Word Count: 1,794

Summary: Ever since Kageyama and Hinata were first banned from the gym by Daichi, Tanaka had found himself taking the troublesome crows under his wings. But he still doesn't understand why he can't stop worrying about the first years' fight.

A/N: Author’s notes can be read on AO3.

Tanaka was no stranger to fights.

Well, no, that wasn’t quite right. For all his posturing, he’d never actually been in a fight. He’d gotten close a few times, but a threatening tap of his fist to his palm usually got his message across fine. And while disagreements were bound to arise within the team every now and again, he’d never seen an actual fight break out. The closest they’d come was the argument between Nishinoya and Asahi, and thankfully Tanaka had managed to hold the libero back before he tried to cause any real damage.

Which was why he’d reacted so instinctively when he followed Yachi into the gym just in time to see Kageyama fling Hinata to the floor, only for Hinata to throw himself back into the fight as recklessly as he went after Kageyama’s tosses. In the few seconds he’d seen, Tanaka knew this went beyond any other argument the first years had had before, and even went beyond any regular fistfight. There was real, tangible hurt and betrayal between the two, and his fresh instincts as a senpai made him put a stop to it as quickly and efficiently as he could.

So he punched them. And he didn’t regret it. His punches got the job done, after all.

But still…the emotions he’d seen the previous night weren’t something that would go away in the single day they had off. He wasn’t some sort of expert on emotions or anything, but he had a bad feeling their animosity would leak into the next day’s practice, and they only had a few weeks until the Spring Qualifiers.

“Ryuu.”

Those punks were at the center of their attack. If they couldn’t get their shit together, then…Tanaka would never say it out loud, but he really didn’t know if they could pull off the victories needed to go to Nationals.

“Ryuu?”

He wished he had Daichi’s calm state of mind and firm faith in the team. Maybe that was something that came with being the captain.

“Ryuu!!”

“Earth to Tanaka!”

He snapped out of his thoughts and found Nishinoya, Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita staring at him, all in the middle of big bites of their lunches. “Huh?”

“Geez, man,” Nishinoya mumbled around his mouthful. “What’s up with you? You never zone out like that.”

“Sorry, I was just…did you guys hear about the fight between Hinata and Kageyama?”

“I overheard you telling the third years about it,” Ennoshita said. His eyes were on Tanaka, but he still managed to catch Nishinoya’s chopsticks before the libero could help himself to a sausage from his bento. “I don’t get it, was it any worse than their usual arguments?”

“Yeah, bruh, they were throwing each other to the ground and everything! It was crazy, Yachi thought they were going to kill each other.”

“Probably would’ve,” Kinoshita sighed. Tanaka couldn’t really see him around Narita perched on his desk, but he could imagine the chagrin on the blonde’s face. “You’d think those two hate each other if they weren’t attached to the hip.”

Narita hummed at that. “They didn’t look very attached this morning. They wouldn’t even look at each other, it was weird.”

“What’d Daichi-san say?”

Tanaka shrugged at Nishinoya. “He said they’d be fine. Said it’s not the first time they fought, and they’ve gotten over humps before. But I dunno, man…I don’t think he’d be so confident if he’d seen it himself.”

“No, that wouldn’t change,” Ennoshita murmured, “He’d still have faith in them, that’s how the Captain is.”

“So you need faith, too, Ennoshita!”

The look he pinned Nishinoya under was deeply unimpressed. “Shut up. Are you clowns done with your lunches? You gotta leave those desks soon.”

A chorus of groans rose from the group, before Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Narita obediently cleared out. After they parted ways with Narita in the hallway, Nishinoya slung an arm around Tanaka’s shoulders, tugging him into an awkward half-crouch as they walked back to their classroom. “Quit worrying about them, dude! They’ll be alright, like Daichi said.”

“Yeah...I guess we’ll see, huh?”

For the rest of the day, and the next school day, that was all Tanaka needed to ease his mind and forget about the fight. After all, Daichi was right - those two had gotten into arguments before, had entered the team practically at each other’s throats. There was no reason they wouldn’t bounce back from this, maybe even faster than they had before.

When Hinata bowed in apology to him before practice started the next day, Tanaka really thought everything was ok. The first year looked chipper as always, ready to play his hardest and push the rest of the team along with him.

Then Coach Ukai announced he would be playing with Sugawara instead of Kageyama. And the freak duo passed each other to opposite sides of the court without so much as looking at each other.

Shit.

Hinata still played well. Better than well. Tanaka didn’t know what he did with the team’s day off, but he could tell that it must’ve had something to do with volleyball.

And yet...something was off. For all his smiles and energy, he was strangely quiet. Any time he wasn’t actively playing or responding to a plan for the next rally, he seemed to draw into himself, clearly preoccupied with…something.

Tanaka could barely understand the odd, volatile, intuitive bond between the freak duo, and he didn’t really know what he could say to help them fix the fracture that had formed. But when the team got ready to split up for individual practice, he found himself approaching Hinata at the edge of the court. “Hey, Hinata.”

The first year looked up from where he was stretching on the floor. “Yeah, Tanaka-san?”

“Listen, I…I know fighting with a teammate sucks. Especially when you’re working together as much as you and Kageyama.” Or Nishinoya and Asahi. He couldn’t forget the days after Asahi left the team, when the barest mention of his name made the libero turn stiff and silent. “But it happens, man. And you’ll always have the rest of the team. We’ll be with you on the court, and we’ve got your back off the court, too.”

Hinata’s wide eyes became downcast as Tanaka spoke, and when he replied, his words were directed to the floor. “Thanks, Tanaka-san…but I dunno if I’ll even be on the court if Kageyama won’t toss to me.”

“Nah, he will!” Tanaka plopped down on the floor next to Hinata, joining him in stretching. “Kageyama’s an idiot, and he’s stubborn as hell, but man, does that guy know the game. He won’t mess it up because of a fight.”

“But then he’ll only toss the same toss that he always has, and I won’t be able to choose the path of the ball, and we’ll get blocked out again.” Hinata’s hands clenched against the floorboards, and when he looked up, Tanaka was startled by the cold focus in those usually-warm brown eyes. “I wanna fight for us on my own terms. I know I can do it. But it’ll never happen if Kageyama won’t believe in me. He’s my partner, and he doesn’t believe in me.”

Partners, huh? Tanaka was suddenly reminded of a conversation he’d stumbled across between Suga and Daichi at the beginning of the year. They hadn’t noticed him because Daichi’s eyes had been pressed behind his hands, and Suga’s eyes had been fixed on the new captain, hands gentle on his shoulders. It didn’t take long before Tanaka had felt too guilty to keep eavesdropping, but he’d heard one thing in particular from Suga that had stuck with him ever since.

“We’re partners, Daichi. On and off the court. So quit trying to handle everything by yourself and let me help.”

There was a stubborn pride in Hinata’s eyes where Suga’s had held gentle care…but their gazes did share a sense of yearning, an almost-desperate entreaty to their partners.

Tanaka knew Hinata hadn’t used “partners” with the same meaning as Suga did. But as he listened to the first year talk, he wondered if maybe it did hold the same meaning, and Hinata just had no idea yet. “He does believe in you, man. I think he’s just scared of messing with what’s worked so well. Maybe if you keep working at it by yourself, get some tips from Coach and stuff, he’ll come around. It’s happened before, and it already seems like he’s getting his ass in gear to improve his tosses.”

Hinata finally grinned at that. “I’m way ahead of you, Tanaka-san! I got Coach to help me out yesterday.”

“Yesterday. On our day off.”

“Yep!” He bounced to his feet, the pride in his eyes shining warmer with his smile. “I realized I need to get better at hitting all sorts of tosses. That way Kageyama will know that I can hit any toss he sends me!”

Tanaka could only hope his bemused disbelief didn’t show in the grin that crept across his face. “You really care about what he thinks, don’tcha?”

“Yeah! If I’m gonna beat him, then I have to be good with and without him. I have to be good by myself so I can keep playing with him.”

“That’s the spirit!” Tanaka cheered, slower to push himself to his feet. “But y’know…it’s not so bad to be ignored sometimes.” The look of pure confusion Hinata pinned on him didn’t hold any judgment, but Tanaka could still feel embarrassment creep through him. “Not on the court! Just, y’know, like how whenever Kiyoko-san ignores me, I feel extra pumped up! Even though I know she doesn’t mean anything by it.”

The small confused frown curving Hinata’s lips wasn’t making Tanaka feel any better. “Yeah, but…don’t you have a crush on her? That’s different from how it feels when Kageyama’s being a jerk.”

Oh. He really has no idea. He’s absolutely clueless. Fuck. “R-right,” Tanaka stammered. “Yeah, it’s different, sure. Forget I said anything.”

Hinata looked like he was going to ask another question, before his attention was distracted by Coach Ukai’s call for him. “Coming, Coach!” He ran off with a final smile for Tanaka, who was left standing dumbly with his bottle held limp in his hand.

So. Hinata definitely had a crush on Kageyama. And had no idea. And no one else had ever mentioned anything to Tanaka, beyond the usual musings over the way the first years bickered constantly and still managed to play like lifelong partners. Which meant Tanaka was likely the only person who had realized anything. And he wasn’t about to discuss it with anyone, it wasn’t his crush to talk about. But the realization still made secondhand embarrassment prickle through him.

“Shit,” he whispered to himself. “Those idiots are doomed.”

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teddy-bear-surprise · 3 years

Text

Chapter 9: Exit

Masterlist

|| Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 Part 1 || Chapter 7 Part 2 || Chapter 8 || Almost The End || Chapter 9 ||

The past three and a half weeks had dragged Spencer through all seven levels of hell and back. All remainders of his sense of identity had been stripped away and then stuck back together with dollar-store duct tape. Even with his eidetic memory, superior cognitive skills, and years of extensive psychological training, Spencer had been susceptible to all of Ophelia’s tricks. Every single vision, thought, and emotion that entered Spencer’s conscious mind was hand-crafted and transplanted deep within his mind by Ophelia. He was stuck in a prison that he would never escape, but that was only half the story.

Ophelia was undoubtedly a bright person, though it seemed wrong to pay someone so nefarious such a compliment, and she had devised a detailed and thorough plan. That very plan was what led to Spencer’s downfall. Nothing could stop her once she had her eye set on a goal, and sinking her talons into Spencer’s mind was no different.

Many scientists liked to say that when a person is exposed to high levels of anxiety for prolonged periods of time, their brains will translate every ordinary experience into a moment of desperation. Every moment becomes life or death. Black and white. Winning or losing. And that was all Spencer could see.

Even if he did not explicitly feel his anxiety in that moment, Ophelia’s methods left him exposed to every one of her schemes. He was unaware of his extensive obedience, not complying intentionally, but with an iron fist of fear wrapped around his heart. But each time he acted in Ophelia’s favor, the fist loosened.

As the days rolled by, slowly at first, Spencer began to feel more and more drawn towards her. His fearful heart palpitations shifted into anxious flutters. When he saw Ophelia now, rather than sensing dread in his gut, he felt a kaleidoscope of butterflies in his stomach. It wasn’t shocking that three extensive weeks with an attractive captor led to Spencer’s strong case of Stockholm Syndrome. It happened all the time, and while Ophelia hadn’t planned for it, it proved to be useful.

For the first week, Ophelia would repeat the same routine every day, only modifying the temperature of the interrogation room to add a little kick to her “game”. And every day, Spencer would look at her with the same scared and confused look on his face. Ophelia, obviously, would just ignore it. Every day she would let him get a bit closer to her, making him feel like there was progress being made, that she trusted him, only to trick him and treat him like scum the next day. She tore down the very structure of his understanding of trust. Eyes wide open with fear, Spencer would learn to be wary of every movement that Ophelia made. He slept lightly, listening for the sounds of her footsteps and mentally preparing himself when they did approach him. Though as much as he tried, he was never really prepared for what followed.

Then the next week came along, and suddenly Spencer was spending every waking moment alone. He sat in solitude, hearing nothing more than the sound of his own breath and fabric crinkling whenever he moved. The closest thing to human contact he got during those days was Ophelia pushing a small tray of food into his room at breakfast, lunch, and dinner and then him pushing the tray back out to her after he had eaten. That was probably the longest week of Spencer’s life. Every day that passed by felt like months, and with no windows or clocks, the only way of keeping time was by counting how many seconds had passed between meals. On the longest day, he had counted eleven thousand nine hundred and twenty-five seconds. For each second that he counted, he made a dot on the wall behind him with a marker that Ophelia had given him, and by the end of the week, his wall had turned a whole shade darker.

During the last week, the third one, Ophelia did the complete opposite. She kept Spencer by her side every second of the day, providing him with the desperately needed attention that he craved. She would order him around, playing into his desire for purpose and fulfillment. Each morning, Ophelia would make him write reports for her. She started it as a way to gauge just how much Spencer would be willing to share with her. Unsurprisingly, the emotionally and mentally unstable Dr. Reid had lost the ability to filter his thoughts. The world-class genius labored away for hours, spilling every secret the FBI had shared with him. He told Ophelia all about her mother, he told her about Hotch’s family, he told her about his lowest moments: losing Maeve and letting Cat slip through his hands. In the afternoons, she would send the mentally exhausted man to do meaningless housework. He scrubbed the floors on his hands and knees until his shoulders grew sore, he replaced lightbulbs until his wrists could no longer twist, and he washed dishes until his hands turned pink and pruned. Reid thought nothing of the work and even appreciated the opportunity to rest his aching mind. Their nights, however, were spent together, truly together. Not the kind of together where Ophelia sat on the couch watching Spencer work, but the type where they were no more than a foot apart at any given time. He relished the praise that Ophelia showered him with. She made him feel an unparalleled sense of pride for sharing his secrets. By the end of the week, Spencer had proven himself to be so trustworthy (or brainwashed) that Ophelia felt comfortable falling asleep next to him on the couch.

Somehow, an institution dedicated to delving deep into the minds of America’s most notorious killers had made a fatal mistake. They failed to look into the minds of their own men, letting the team’s brains and hearts fall through the cracks. The BAU’s useless mandatory therapy proved to be nothing but a bandaid over a gaping wound. Because despite all of his intense FBI training, Spencer had already suffered so much trauma that he became the BAU’s weakest link.

Three Days Until New Year’s

A pair of heavy boots crunched loudly against the rocky, sandy walkway, contrasting the eerie silence that preceded it. The boots were attached to a mysteriously hooded figure that walked with confident strides. It was late at night, or maybe early in the morning– no one could say for sure. Only one thing was certain: chaos would soon have the upper hand.

The black boots continued until they reached Ophelia’s window. Peering in, the hooded figure saw Ophelia lazily draped over the couch, accompanied by a dreaming Dr. Reid beside her. An old television set illuminated their motionless figures and let out quiet dialogue as the movie dragged on. Both were in a deep, deep state of sleep, unaware of the scene that was unraveling beyond their dreamscape. The Unsub abandoned the window, tiptoeing towards the garage. The garage door panel, despite being chosen by a “genius”, took only a minute to hijack. The latch clicked open and the door slowly lifted. It buzzed quietly but steadily, and the hooded head turned towards the window every few seconds to check for any signs of Ophelia or Spencer waking up. They never did. With the garage door open, it would be smooth sailing from now on.

The Unsub quickly slid their backpack onto the empty garage’s floor, opening it slowly. The contents of the bag were highly volatile and the Unsub did not want to be anywhere near when that volatile substance lost its stability. Halfway through unzipping, the zipper got stuck, causing the backpack to jolt violently. The Unsub’s breath hitched and their mouth dried up as beads of sweat trailed down their neck and forehead.

Beginning again, slower this time, they moved the zipper smoothly. Once the bag was successfully opened, the Unsub calmed by a degree. They grabbed the flat, red blocks that lay within, careful to avoid tangling the wires attached to the blocks. These carefully packed and handled blocks were those infamous “plastic explosives” that they always showed in movies. They were highly destructive, yet much too easy to buy– considering you had the right contacts, of course. The Unsub stuck the explosives all along Ophelia’s garage walls, making sure to target the home’s main structure by using a wall scanner. They exited the garage and closed it manually to avoid the whir of the garage door motor. With still a handful of explosives left in their possession, the Unsub moved to the side of the house farthest from Ophelia and Spencer, easily boosting the damage without committing full-on murder.

From afar, the Unsub exiting Ophelia’s backyard just looked like an ordinary citizen going for a calming moonlight stroll. But their fast, decisive steps were far from calm and this citizen was in no way ordinary. They walked rapidly for two long minutes and by the time those two minutes had passed, Unsub was far out of the neighborhood’s sight. The Unsub grabbed the remote detonator from their pocket, entering the passcode and pressing the bright red button. A blast shook the ground with fierce intensity and a shiver ran up the Unsub’s spine as they felt the air’s temperature increase by the slightest degree. They turned around to marvel at the brightly lit sky above Ophelia’s house, basking in the sound of chaos engulfing the few residents of Park Ridge Drive.

Inside the rapidly heating home, Ophelia and Spencer felt adrenaline flowing freely through their bloodstreams. Panic permeated their bodies and all rational thought had been abandoned. But even as they felt the fire nearing and the smoke filling their lungs, they didn’t move. They couldn’t move. Just like two mice trapped in a never-ending maze, there was no way out and the Unsub had made sure of it. They sat in desperation, wondering if the past three weeks had all been for nothing.

About ten minutes from the house, the Unsub approached their car, opening the door as a gust of wind flew by. Their hood fell down, revealing short blonde locks and a familiar face. They perched the hood back onto their head. They could hear the sirens approaching and drove away quickly, even passing a police car a few miles later. But alas, the Unsub was already far, far gone by the time first-responders arrived at the scene.

Author’s Note: I decided to leave this chapter a bit vague at the end so I could pick it up again if I ever feel better, but still have just enough closure to let the story "stop"... I'd love to hear any theories or guesses as to what the ending means (it's kinda obvious lol). I'm also so sorry it's not better, but this was the best I could do considering the circumstances.

#Criminal Minds #CM #spencer reid #spencer x oc #fanfiction #fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #430

“when the girl in the corner is everyone’s woman, she could kill you with a wink of her eye”

What kind of dog do you find most ugly? What a mean question. ;-; I don't think they're ugly, but I probably find chihuahuas to be the least visually appealing. Do you like wood floors or carpet better? Wood. Do you think the USA bullies other countries? Quite frankly, yes. Are you currently in love right now? No. Favorite fast food joint? Sonic. What would you do if your ex contacted you? THE ex, have a panic attack. Cry. Be wordlessly ecstatic. Be scared and confused. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Two, yes, but one is unrealistic considering I have no idea who he is anymore. It's been way too long for me to possibly, accurately like him. Ever tasted a flavored condom? No. Do you know CPR? No. How much do you care about your best friend? I'd die for her. Do you watch Dr. Phil? No. What age would you like to have a child? I don't want kids ever. Are your parents wealthy? Mom, absolutely not. Dad seems to be financially stable, but not wealthy or anything. Pick one state you’d love to live in? Alaska. How many pets do you want? And of what? Man, I want a LOT. I know I want more ball python morphs, a plains hognose, a woma python, numerous tarantulas, a fat-tailed gecko, a boa, orchid mantises, a sphynx, a tegu would be super cool... I'd love to have like an empire of pets one day, aha, but only so long as I could maintain them all and adequately provide for them. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. When do you want to get married? I mean, I don't have a set age in mind. I want to get married when I'm ready. Can you play a musical instrument? I played the flute for yeeeaaaars in middle and high school, but I remember almost nothing by now. What if you stopped orgasming for the rest of your life? Idc, honestly. Does money make you happy? Money probably makes me happier than it should, but I'm not like madly in love with it or anything. Happens when you're poor your whole life. Your favorite breakfast food? Ugh, cinnamon rolls are a godsend. When was the last time you went to a funeral? I actually don't think I've ever been to one... only wakes. I really, really wish I could have gone to Jason's mom's, though... There was just no fucking way that I was going to risk upsetting Jason on THAT day of all days by popping up. Have you ever stolen someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, we never actually dated, but you could say that... Tell me the date of your first kiss. I don't know the exact date, but it was March 2012. Are your legs long or short? Normal, I guess? How many phobias do you have? Man, a lot. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you use the Facebook chat often? Barely at all. I only really use it to chat with Girt on the rare occasion we talk. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? I discovered Mark on my own; I needed help in an Amnesia: The Dark Descent custom story, so I found his playthrough and watched it. Got a few laughs, subscribed. It was Jason who introduced me to Amnesia, though, so I can indirectly thank him, I guess? haha Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? No. Have you ever lived with a friend? Yeah, for a couple months. Have you ever only liked someone because you found out they liked you? No. Ever been on a real diet, or did you just stop eating? I've tried multiple diets. Have you ever known a white supremacist? I know multiple. Welcome to the South. Do you like the smell of a barbecue? Yesss. It's funny because I hate the food itself. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? Yeah. It's not rare, if I'm being honest. How many times have you been to the ER? Too many times because of being suicidal. How many people are you currently texting? None. Anything exciting coming up? My nephew's birthday is in a few days! Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? Money, so I can use it for anything. Do you have Instagram? I have three, ha ha. One for my basic photography, another for my morbid photos, and I went through a very short phase of having an Instagram for my pets. It still exists, but I don't really use it. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Hot dogs or hamburgers? Cheeseburgers may possibly be my favorite food. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? I do. Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat? I've owned plenty of black cats. What album is the last song you listened to from? It's from Disguise. What’s the last funny movie you watched? Probably Elf. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Mom's, yes. I only remember the month of my dad's. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you pick? I think I want to get my tribute to Teddy next. How do you feel about band tattoos? Hey, go for it. I see nothing wrong with it. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Probably snakebites. Lip piercings in general are hot lmao. Are you any good at applying make up? Noooo, my hands are so shaky. How old were the last 3 people you kissed? Sara's 23; idr the exact ages of Girt and Tyler. I think Tyler was a year younger than me, and Girt is at the bare minimum three years older than me. If you found out you got someone pregnant, what would you do? Well, I'm a cisgender female, so... Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? Very frequently. Do you like your cell phone? I mean it's fine, but I'd like a new one. Is rap your favorite genre of music? No, it's actually my least favorite. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Oh god, no. Do people think you’re happy? I think it's safe to say most people who know me know I'm clinically depressed. Or you know... maybe not. Quite a few people have been surprised to learn that about me because I can put on a good facade. What band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see? None, honestly. That's way too long. What was your worst childhood experience? I guess my dad's alcoholism. As a child, I thought it was a normal thing, but I do wonder if my fear of men has anything to do with how volatile drinking had a 50/50 chance of making him. He never hurt anyone, but he was just so mad and hateful towards the world sometimes. You can trade another person’s emotions for your own. Whose do you take? I have no idea. What was/is going to be your first waltz at your wedding? That'll depend on my partner and what song means the most to us/fits us best. "When It's Love" by Van Halen has been a consideration for forever, though. When it’s not summer, what do you miss most about it? I hate summer. I miss nothing about it. Do you consider yourself patriotic? No. What is the one thing that you need to do to die happy? Feel like I accomplished something notable. Do you consider yourself mainstream? No. What’s the riskiest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing on cold medicine. What is life’s greatest mystery? Probably from whence we came. Humanity has fished for a definite answer forever. What was your favourite make-believe game as a kid? Pretending I was a meerkat hiding in a "burrow" that was a blanket fort, ha ha. Do you try your best at everything? Honestly, no. Who is your shoulder to cry on? My mom, without fail. What’s your standard excuse for not doing something? I dunno... it depends on the topic. Name the most beautiful person you know. As far as physical appearance goes, my friend Alon. Have you ever been to jail? No. What is one moment you wish you could have taken a picture of? Sara's face when I surprised her at her house for her birthday. It was absolutely fucking priceless. What place holds the most memories for you? Jason's house. Who was your first date? My puppy dog-love middle school bf Aaron. We went with a group of friends to a skating rink. My first one-on-one date was Jason. What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on? The zoo in 5th grade. It's the one and only time I've seen meerkats. For some weird reason, our zoo moved the meerkats not long after that visit. I THINK they said the environment just wasn't suitable for them, which I never really got... I think they mentioned the cold, but like, you have heating for them, and also, have you ever experienced a desert night? You consider all the other areas that have meerkats in their zoos and it's like... why, man. Bring my meerkats back. ;_; What do you think the earth will look like in 1,000 years? Oh dear God, I do NOT want to visualize that. My gut tells me it'll be a wasteland, probably without humans or most forms of life we have now. We have to get our shit straight, so very badly. I could rant for hours about how horribly and ungratefully we abuse our planet. Who makes you happy to be around? Sara! I feel like I can be my 100% authentic self, and we just vibe really well together. Like every time I've been there and she here, our friendship felt so natural and chill. I really, really need to save up for another trip up there. What secret have you tried to hide but it got out anyway? I kept the Joel situation to myself from pretty much everyone, but it eventually came out in front of Mom and Jason. It was actually the night of the breakup; I don't remember how it was relevant at all to mention, but I did in some form. Mom wisely never asked about it, and Jason obviously didn't. I was a stupid 12-year-old anyway, it's whatever now. Who/what is your everything? I will never. Ever. In five billion millennia. Let anyone be that again. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Ummm three? I think that's it. How many exes do you have? If I include everyone who ever had a title of "boyfriend/girlfriend," I have six. Who was your worst relationship with? Tyler. It was just pointless and the result of nothing but loneliness. What’s your ‘label’? (ex. punk, prep) I really, really don't care. Do you swear? How much? Like a sailor. I swore some beforehand, but I got really bad when Jason and I started dating. He swore a lot, and his mother did even more. I was around them as much as possible, so it rubbed off on me. What is the one thing that would make everything in your life fall apart? Losing my family, like being disowned or something like that. Especially when it comes to Mom. I rely on her so heavily, as much as I hate that. :/ What takes your breath away? Nature is very capable of that. Something like seeing big waterfalls in the mountains or something would marvel me. Are you patient? No, honestly. Are you a good dancer? No. Even when I took dance, I don't think I was great; however, I do think I was pretty skilled at clogging. Who would you call first in a life-threatening situation (not 911)? My mom. Who do you miss? Jason and his family, Megan, Alex, Hannia, Emily, Journee... a lot of people. Do you like snakes? I adore snakes.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''ballroom blitz'' by 3teeth

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floatingpetals · 5 years

Text

What Have I Done? || Ch. 11

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: angst, super possessive Bucky, gets pretty dark

Word Count: 1800+

Summary: A bad break up between Bucky and his ex leads to a new friendship with the quiet tech he never had the chance to get to know. Relationships grow, feelings are caught, and boundaries are explored. Bucky thought he found his happy ending, but old memories haunt his future. He knows what he’s doing wrong, dangerous even, but he can’t help it. Can he fix the wrongs he’s done? -a requested story for @iheartsebastianstan

A/N: Aight, so this was actually going to be one long chapter to finish, however as I was writing it, I realized too much is happening and I didn’t want to overwhelm anyone. So I cut it and there’s going to be one last chapter after this before the epilogue. Another note, this could have some sensitive topics that some people might not like, but it’s nothing too awful? I don’t know, just read with a little caution cause it does get heavy in some part and probably a little ooc(?). Beyond that, I hope you all enjoy! Hopefully 😆

Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Series Masterlist

“Steve?” Y/N croaked, hesitantly knocking on Steve’s bedroom door. Her throat burned and the tears flowed hotly down her cheeks as she frantically looked over her shoulder. She didn’t know who else to go to, who would know what to do. The sound of her heart pounding in her head drowned out the panic that gripped her heart, but only for so long. She was brought back to the sound of him moving around the room, Steve’s footsteps were heavy and swift before the door swung open.

Concern clouded Steve’s face at the sight of Y/N standing in front of him, with her arms wrapped around her waist and tears staining her cheeks. With a quick look down both sides of the hall, Steve dragged her inside the room and locked the door behind them. He ushered her to the edge of his bed and went to grab a box of tissues. Y/N sniffled a soft thanks and dabbed her cheeks.

“What happened?” Steve asked warily, grabbing his chair desk to sit in front of her. Y/N struggled to answer, the whole reason for her being here was still fresh and raw. It was still jarring how much he changed, how dangerous he had become. He wasn’t the same Bucky she first fell in love with.

“I- I don’t know.” Y/N held in a sob, her chin quivering as the emotions came rushing back to the surface. “Somethings wrong with Bucky. I- I don’t know what happened.”

Steve’s back straightened at the mention of his friend. He had noticed the change in Bucky when it came to Y/N, both the good but sadly the bad. Recently, he was akin to a wild animal that was incredibly possessive of its territory. It had only been about two weeks since the incident in the gym and Bucky seemed to have progressively grown worse.

“What happened Y/N?” Steve pressed, needed to understand what caused her tears. She clenched her eyes shut and took in a shuddering breath.

“It was in the lab. I went to go talk with Tony and one of the lab assistants needed help with something. I didn’t think anything of it and went to help. I-Nothing happened.” Y/N whispered, trembling when the sound of Bucky snarl repeated in her mind. “He was so angry. He just started threatening Rob, told him to that I was his a-and that he’d snap his neck if he-.”

A sob tore from her lips and her hand flew up to cover her mouth. Steve inhaled sharply and pushed off the chair to sit beside Y/N and wrap his arms around her shoulder. He leaned her against his chest, tightening his hold while she sobbed into his chest. He murmured soft words of reassurance to Y/N while he was trying to imagine what could have possibly pushed Bucky over the edge like this. It was so unlike him to act this remarkably out of character.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to say anything else. I’m so sorry,” He whispered, hopelessly watching as Y/N broke down in his arms.

He had no idea where this was coming from, what could have possibly set his best friend off like this. This wasn’t a one-time occurrence; he had seen his fair share of Bucky practically baring his teeth at anyone who dared to get too close. A dangerous look would pass over his face if they ignored his warnings, his steely eyes watching the person leave as he if was considering ways to tear them to pieces for defying him. It had even gotten to the point where the rest of the team was walking on eggshells around Bucky and Y/N, wary about setting him off. Steve had kept a close eye on him, hoping it was just a momentary lapse in behavior and it would straighten out eventually once he realized Y/N was there to stay. Clearly, this was much bigger than Steve could ever imagine, and it wouldn’t simply change overnight.

Y/N tried to calm her sobs and trembling but now that she was able to let everything the past few weeks out. She kept it all bottled up inside, worried that maybe she was doing something wrong to cause him to act like this. Today was the breaking point. Seeing his lips twist into a savage snarl as he stood over Rob as he cowered made her blood run cold. The sight of the ferocity and murder hardening his eyes made all the hairs on her arms and back of her neck stand on end. Combined with his feral hiss as he jammed his metal finger against Rob’s chest and threatened him harm if he came near Y/N again, it was too upsetting. She had to run and find someplace to hide from his threatening form.

“Breath,” Steve urged gently. He passed another tissue and helped her sit back. Y/N nodded sharply, blowing her nose in the tissue and grabbed another to wipe up the tears. She hated how weak she felt, how this had brought out the scared little girl inside her.

She still couldn’t believe it. This was Bucky, her Bucky. The same man she cradled when his heart was shattered and stomped on. The same man who would hold her so tenderly and whisper soft sweet nothings in her ears in the early morning before the busy day. He was so sweet and caring, even with all the pain he had endured he still managed to be incredibly gentle with her. She had his heart and he had hers. Or so she believed. How did things become so twisted and backward?

“What do I do, Steve?” Y/N croaked, her sobs dwindling down to broken whimpers. Steve frowned and looked at his hands. He honestly had no idea. How did one go about bringing volatile behavior to an already unpredictable person? When he or Y/N tried to explain in the past, Bucky didn’t want to hear it in the slightest. He was ready to fight and keep her all to himself. It didn’t matter who stood in his way, he would tear them apart without a moment hesitation.

“I don’t know,” He sighed sadly. “I honestly don’t know. This isn’t like him though. I’ve never seen him so angry and possessive. It’s almost like…”

He trailed off, realization slowly dawning on him and he inhaled sharply.

“Like you’re his mission.”

Y/N froze, her eyebrows shooting up to her hairline. That couldn’t be it, could it? He wasn’t the Winter Solider. They took out the trigger words so there’d be no way for him to go back. His behavior was different. He was aware of what he was doing. He wasn’t mindlessly following orders and an empty shell.

“No, think about it.” Steve turned to face Y/N. “He’s suffered some pretty serious trauma from Vivian, it pretty much ruined him and his self-confidence. It set him back, even further than when he first came to the compound. And then you came along and helped him reset. You put him back on the right track, you helped him become more confident in himself.”

“But how does that make me his mission though?” Y/N asked skeptically.

“Because you’ve become his everything. Really, I guess you’re more like his trigger. Haven’t you noticed how he only gets that way if anyone gets too close to you? He snaps into this state where he’s ready to take anyone down, no matter what the cost is and no matter who the person is” Steve explained. “It’s like he’s letting his fear of you leaving him or someone taking you away from his control how he acts. Yes. This isn’t him being the brainwashed assassin that Hydra created. It’s more like some strange hybrid of the Solider and himself.”

“Yeah, but…” Y/N started to argue, slowly seeing how it could make a little bit of sense. The Winter Soldier was known for how calculative and methodical he could be in missions. He was a shadow, quiet and swift. No one could tell what was going through his mind at any given moment. However, he did have moments where he was ruthless and vicious, not caring if it hurt others in the process. The only difference is with Bucky now vs then, he had emotions overriding his thoughts and mind. He wasn’t blank.

The crap Vivian pulled had pulled on him was like a vice, and he was letting his insecurities override his rationality. Even though it still didn’t totally line up, it still made sense to a degree. He was scared she would leave him, and the dormant instincts of protecting they had drilled in his head kicked in. She hadn’t realized how bad this had become and how dangerous the entire situation was. Y/N knew it was serious, but not this serious.

“Captain Rogers.” FRIDAY interrupted their epiphany, causing Y/N to nearly fly out of her skin. Steve bit the inside of his cheek and scrubbed his hand down his face.

“Yes, FRIDAY?”

“Boss needs you at the hanger. King T’challa and his sister will be here in five to speak with you both.” The AI responded. Both Y/N and Steve shot each other a confused look.

“Did he mention why they’re here?” He asked.

“No, just that they want to speak with you after they land.”

Steve inhaled deeply, clenching and unclenching his fist. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t mind such an unexpected visit from them, however, right now he didn’t want to leave Y/N alone. Not when she was hurting and needing support.

“Go ahead.” Y/N urged gently. “I’ll be okay. I probably should take a minute to wrap my brain around this alone.”

“Are you sure?” Steve turned to her and frowned. She nodded and looked down at her hands.

“I’ll be okay. Really. I just… I don’t want to go back to my room right now.” She murmured softly. Steve mulled over his options before finally giving with a heavy sigh.

“You should probably stay here. I don’t think Bucky will think to look here first, so it might be best.” He reasoned. He slowly rose and stared down at Y/N as she sniffled quietly. “I’ll make sure FRIDAY only opens for me. Try not to worry too much about everything right now. When I get back we’ll figure something out. We can’t let things keep escalating the way they are anymore though.”

Y/N agreed and nodded, reaching for the tissue box once again. Steve hesitated a moment before he walked over to his shoes to slip on.

“I shouldn’t be gone too long. I’ll tell FRIDAY to let you know if anything changes.” He said and stopped at the door. Y/N sent him a tight-lipped smile and waved her hand.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be here when you get back.”

With a sharp jerk of his chin, Steve shot her one last glance over his shoulder before he stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him. Making sure he told FRIDAY to keep his room in lockdown until he said it was clear, Steve made his way to the hanger with his stomach in knots. Both his best friend and his close friend were hurting. And he needed to figure out a way to fix this.

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#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #reader insert #marvel fanfiction #marvel imagine #marvel fic #marvel #fanfic #winter soldier #what have i done ch 11

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jahaanofmenaphos · 5 years

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Art by the awesome @tommieglenn!

Of Gods and Men Summary:

When the gods returned to Gielinor, their minds were only on one thing: the Stone of Jas, a powerful elder artefact in the hands of Sliske, a devious Mahjarrat who stole it for his own ends and entertainment. He claims to want to incite another god wars, but are his ulterior motives more sinister than that? And can the World Guardian, Jahaan, escape from under Sliske’s shadow?

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QUEST 06: FATE OF THE GODS

QUEST SUMMARY:

The gods have returned to Gielinor, but something is preventing the arrival of Zaros. Jahaan is enlisted by Azzanadra to help bring his god back to their world, a task that would send him into the harshities of the Mahjarrat homeworld: Freneskae…

CHAPTER 4: ZAROSIAN REPRISE

When Jahaan materialised back onto firm ground, he was back beside the World Gate, the earthquakes from Mah’s nightmares only a faint tremble this far out. Trying to calm his erratic heartbeat, Jahaan doubled over, clutching his knees and panting with all the built up adrenaline.

Zaros, naturally, did not seem phased at all. “Mah awakens,” was all he said.

“Yeah,” Jahaan replied within gasps. “Shouldn’t we be getting out of here?”

“Not yet. We are safe for now, and I have something I wish to say before I return to Gielinor.”

Due to Zaros’ nature, he didn’t walk. Instead, he hovered, a few inches above the ground, his robes grazing the rocks beneath him. He glided slightly closer to Jahaan, towering over the man by a good two feet. Yet, Jahaan was not scared, and Zaros could sense this. It pleased him.

“When I was inside your mind,” Zaros began, “I could not lie to you, nor could you to me. I saw Sliske’s poison. I wanted to thank you for not letting his corruption influence you.”

Internally, Jahaan winced. “Then by that logic, you also knew I’d decided to hear him out.”

“I did, as is your right,” Zaros confirmed, but there was no hint of anger or disappointment in his monotonous voice. “I did not want to compel your fealty. I wanted to earn your support. While I do not condone Sliske’s insidious words, I am grateful you saw through them. You may come to learn something about me, that I… compel loyalty within others.”

Jahaan crinkled his brow. “Against their will?”

“It is not something I have control of,” Zaros explained, calmly. “It is something bestowed upon me by Mah. I am unable to rid myself of this... ability... but I must live with it. Do not be concerned - it does not affect you, World Guardian.”

Jahaan noted the concern, almost shame, in Zaros’ voice. It was hard to gauge the diety’s emotions - his voice was hardly expressive - but Jahaan could sense it nonetheless. “But it affects your followers?”

“Yes. It is one of the reasons I chose to withdraw from my own empire,” he admitted. “I find the idea of coercing another mind to be... distasteful. But it only affects those in my presence, and the effect dissipates with time. This is how I know that those still loyal to me are truly loyal. They have not been under its effects for many centuries, yet still heed my call. I wished for you to know this from me, so that you could understand it. Now you know this of me, might I ask one question of you?”

Jahaan nodded, so Zaros continued, “You could have left me behind, or wounded me with a light simulacrum. I was dependent on you, and you assisted me with little benefit to yourself. Why?”

Jahaan thought for a moment, choosing his words carefully. “Because you were genuine. Honest. Your intentions seem honourable. I might not be waving a banner with your emblem on it, but I don’t want to make an enemy out of you either. You convinced me to hear you out. I heard you out. And believe me, I like what you’re saying a lot more than some of the other gods prancing around.”

“Thank you, World Guardian,” Zaros replied, softly. “Come now. I wish to greet my loyal followers.”

When Jahaan emerged back through the World Gate, the site of Gielinor filled him with so much glee and relief that he felt like kissing the ground. The sun, the sun! It was near blinding, but he didn’t want to look away. And the breeze, the cool wind that danced around him, tickling his skin.

The company surrounding the World Gate had doubled since he’d entered; Azzanadra and Sliske remained, the former as eager to see his lord as a child is for the arrival of Christmas. Next to him, two of Zaros’ most formidable followers had joined the Mahjarrat to see Zaros’ return, both of whom Jahaan had the unfortunate pleasure of having dalliances with before, back in Guthix’s cave. The first, a fire enchantress in the service of Zaros by the name of ‘Char’. A dancer, brown-skinned and with hair that undulated like a blanket of fire. The other, a nihil (of which Jahaan had officially had enough of today) by the name of ‘Nex’, a creature that even the gods fear.

“My lord! You are returned!” Azzanadra exclaimed, sounding like he was about to burst into tears of joy. “You are exactly as I remember.”

“We have the World Guardian to thank for that,” Zaros commended. “And I shall reward him in due course. But first, something requires my attention. Sliske.”

Zaros spun around to face Mahjarrat who was hunched over like a silk-draped vulture. Sliske’s smile was thin, his eyes unreadable as he stated, “I am yours to command. Just say the word.”

“No more.”

Sliske blinked. “What did you say?”

Jahaan took a small step backwards, slightly behind Azzanadra, as Zaros repeated, “No. More.”

Sliske cottoned on at this point. “But... no! I... I am loyal! Have I not always been loyal?” to hear Sliske’s wavered tone, a cocktail of hurt and disbelief, baffled Jahaan to no end. It also slightly scared him as, the more Sliske spoke, the angrier he became. “Have I not done everything you've always asked of me? As the empire fell, did I not keep safe those things necessary for your return? Was I not pivotal in the liberation of all those who stand before?” he was practically shouting at this point. “Did I not kill a god for you?! You cannot turn me away! Not now, Zaros, please!”

Jahaan couldn’t keep his eyes off the seething Mahjarrat. Surely Sliske would have known that something like this would occur. His hesitation to allow Zaros’ return was evident enough of that. But his reaction, so volatile, so desperate, to hear him plead… what was his angle? Was this one of his charades, or was he finally showing some raw, genuine emotion?

“Sliske, stop,” was all Zaros replied.

There was a long, drawn out pause while Sliske locked eyes with the deity. Finally, he broke into laughter. A hollow, mirthless ghost of a laugh. That might have been the most terrifying thing of all.

His light, empty chuckle remained as he said, “Very well. I guess I'm not quite the actor I thought. What gave me away?”

Jahaan was still on edge, confused about the tonal shift. There was something not quite right about the way he spoke, his mannerisms. More so than usual, that is.

There was something not quite right, and Jahaan couldn’t put his finger on it.

Zaros did not falter. “You betray yourself... though, in truth, I have never trusted you. And your words of betrayal to the World Guardian cannot be ignored.”

“Betrayal?” Sliske spat the word like it was poison. “They could have just walked away, left you to rot! I was just convincing them to hear you out. It was down to you to convince them of your worth!”

“Whatever your intent, no longer can I turn a blind eye to your disobedience, nor condone your methods.”

“Are you sure it's not just because me killing Guthix puts me beyond your control?” Sliske’s eyes flashed with fire, a hint of smugness lighting the edges.

Zaros exhaled deeply, providing no comment.

The smugness in Sliske’s smile grew, a victory assured. “Fine, don't answer. So, what's next? An intervention? Family counselling? Maybe some trust exercises?”

“Excommunication,” Zaros declared, the word reverberating like a gunshot. “You will have no further association with us. You are on your own.”

Sliske sniffed a lone, humourless laugh. His smile returned, the curve a little crueler and less self-satisfied. “Oh, I've always been alone. But I guess this means you'll have to find someone else to do your dirty work. Your new World Guardian pet, perhaps?”

“Leave us. Never return,” Zaros demanded. Nex and Char looked as if they were fit to burn the forest down with Sliske inside. Azzanadra, for his part, looked just as disappointed as he did furious, the betrayal cutting slightly deeper to him.

“As you command... my lord,” Sliske mocked with a faint bow. He then turned his attention to Jahaan; meeting the Mahjarrat’s fiery gaze made Jahaan want to back away, but he held himself firm. “But don't think this is over, World Guardian. I'm just getting started with you.”

He took a step forward. Azzanadra moved to intercept, but Zaros motioned for him to stand down.

Sliske’s eyes practically burned with yellow fire, staring Jahaan down like a predator. “Where I'm concerned, Zaros' protection of you no longer applies. Between you and me, all bets are off. Be seeing you.”

With that, he teleported away in a flurry of shadows.

Finally, Jahaan released the breath he’d been holding for far too long. To Zaros, he asked, “What did Sliske mean by ‘protection’?”

“You are important,” Zaros simply replied. “You must be kept safe.”

“Well, no offense,” Jahaan began, somewhat tetchily, “But a little more protection would have been nice when Sliske had his hands around my throat last night.”

Azzanadra blinked. “What was that?”

“When you gave him the task of delivering your letter,” Jahaan didn’t want to make eye contact with the Mahjarrat; he was already regretting mentioning the incident, and the memory was making him angry. “It doesn’t matter. Forget I said anything.”

Shaking his head with confusion, Azzanadra started, “I do not understand why he-”

“Azzanadra, it’s okay,” Jahaan interrupted, his tone softer now. “I handled it. It’s fine. Alright?”

Sighing, Azzanadra replied, “If you insist. I apologise for bringing him to you. If it’s any consolation,” he stepped slightly closer to Jahaan, scrunching his face up in a way that Jahaan assumed was his attempt at reassurance, but he didn’t have the features for it. “Sliske’s mood has always changed like the weather. He is angry now, but I don’t believe it will last long. But if he approaches you again, find me. I will deal with him personally.”

Smiling weakly, Jahaan said, “Thanks, Azzanadra.”

Having listened to the conversation mutely, retaining all but adding nothing, Zaros finally spoke up, “Sliske is an unknown quantity, and a dangerous enemy.”

Turning around to face Char, he instructed, “Char, keep an eye on Sliske. It gives me pause that he holds both the Siphon and the Catalyst. I do not want him thinking he can follow in Zamorak's footsteps. He is angry, and may attempt something rash. Inform me if he leads you to the location of either artefact. None of the young gods should have free access to such tools. Especially the Catalyst – the dragonkin cannot grow too strong before we are placed to deal with them.”

“As you command,” Char bowed slowly, fire dancing on her lips. “I am heartened to see you returned.”

After she teleported away, Zaros then turned his attention to Nex. “Nex, I task you with keeping Sliske's little game in check - watch the young gods. Try to contain their destruction as much as possible, but do not get drawn into open conflict. There may come a time that I need you to step in to ensure nothing interferes with my plans.”

“At once, my lord,” Nex hissed, teleporting away in a myriad of black and purple electric pulses.

Next, his attention returned to Azzanadra. “And to Azzanadra, my most loyal servant. Together we must prepare to rouse the elder gods. Zamorak's desperation at the end of the last God Wars scattered this planet's anima mundi, but even that was not enough to wake them - only Guthix.”

Azzanadra hesitated, a brief flash of worry in his eyes. “Y-You wish to create a greater level of destruction?”

“Not greater; more targeted,” Zaros assured, echos in his bellowing yet measured voice. “I require you to seek out Gielinor's own Elder Halls. If disturbed, the elder gods will have no choice but to respond.”

“It will be done, my lord,” Azzanadra vowed, crossing his arms over his chest and whisking himself away.

Finally, Zaros approached Jahaan; silence surrounded the entire landscape, save for the low hum from the World Gate and the brisk breeze fluttering through the trees. “Now has come the time for us to part, World Guardian. Reflect on all you have witnessed this day. Gielinor's reckoning is coming, but there is still time for us to avert it. Until I call on you again, do as you otherwise would, had we not met. Pax tecum.”

With a nod of his head, Jahaan simply replied, “Farewell.”

Zaros left his side, transporting the World Gate away with him, like it was never there at all.

Jahaan was alone once again.

But he wasn’t alone for long…

DISCLAIMER:

As Of Gods and Men is a reimagining, retelling and reworking of the Sixth Age, a LOT of dialogue/characters/plotlines/etc. are pulled right from the game itself, and this belongs to Jagex.

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#runescape #zaros #azzanadra #sliske #fate of the gods

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thehalfworld · 7 years

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Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 7]

The penultimate chapter!

Warnings this time include sex, violence, and a few references to what went down in the previous installments.

Recap: Tiaa learned that her father is a vampire, and that she would become one herself if she had sex with Edward. Guess what she did. (Also, she killed Uncle Larry and drank his blood.)

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

thanx for the revews!

You’re so welcome!

Chapter 7 - Surprises!

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute.

Vampires don’t sleep, and no one wakes up “sheepishly.”

I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie.

Vampires don’t eat breakfast, either. Unless she plans on eating Dave and Marie. I wouldn’t object.

THey look at me and smiles adoringly.

You do have a beta reader, right?

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness.

Marie freaks me the hell out. Why is she so perky?

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before.

If you can possibly imagine that, because Tiaa’s descriptions of herself in previous chapters weren’t exactly modest.

My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac.

So in the Twilight universe, vampire eye color depends on how recently they last fed and what they last fed on. A vampire with human blood in their system will have red eyes; a hungry vampire has black eyes; vampires who eat nonhuman animals (like Edward and his family) have gold eyes after feeding. Tiaa ate Uncle Larry last night, and she’s newly turned, so she definitely has human blood in her body. Her eyes should be red.

I guess her hair’s the same except for the dye job, though, because she used to have multiple colors streaked into her hair and now she just has purple. Not sure how being a vampire would affect that, honestly.

I was radiant and magical and looked awesome.

I love this sentence.

My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed.

I’m just hoping that she still smells like mint and cinnamon.

Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring.

Must be one of those newfangled atomic phones.

Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" and he hung up

Nice vocabulary, Dave. Nice job hanging up on the caller, too.

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling

Why is she always smiling? Is her face stuck like that?

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad!

Yeah, you seem real…

(wait for it…)

…torn up about it.

he was my brother"

Not sure why he needed to remind everyone. Can’t imagine Uncle Larry was a pleasant brother, though, since his entire character consisted of being ugly and evil.

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school.

That’s not suspicious or anything! Actually, wait, it’s Dave and Marie; they won’t suspect a thing.

Also, I pictured her doing this like Gir from Invader Zim.

I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!

No, you totally should have killed him.

I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me.

Wow! Love the description!

it was a bear - a big panda bear!

…this is happening in a small town in Washington State, correct?

it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

She’s not wrong.

But, then again, in the context of this story I guess it’s not too implausible.

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused

You and me both, girl.

"WTF?" i screamed!

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles.”

Well, thank god, because I have no idea how to pronounce that first thing you said.

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously

Why is she angry?

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"

Oh, I get it. So I think I mentioned this earlier, but in the Twilight universe some vampires gain a special ability after being turned — typically an amplification of some ability they possessed as a human. That’s how come Edward can read minds, his sister Alice has visions of the future, his brother Jasper can influence the moods of others, and so on. Tiaa’s ability to communicate with animals comes out of nowhere only in the sense that it wasn’t foreshadowed; the power fits with canon otherwise.

I’m pretty sure one vampire having multiple extra abilities is unheard of, though. There goes Tiaa breaking the rules again. (Though at this point… after all she’s been through… I guess she deserves something good for a change, no?)

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me.

Hey, hold up. How does the panda know all this shit? Like… how does he know who Tiaa is? How does he know about how vampires work? Even allowing that Tiaa can communicate with animals now, how come this one is demonstrating human-like sapience?

You know what, none of this will ever get explained and I’m done thinking about it. Let’s move on.

I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

This power actually makes sense for volatile, moody Tiaa, but it’s not gonna be very useful until she learns to control it. Which might never happen because this girl is an emotional loose cannon. Also we’re on the second-to-last chapter.

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"

Nice going, author. I like how you had Snoofles know things he shouldn’t and then had him not know how he knows those things he shouldn’t. Great writing! Allows you to avoid explaining anything at all!

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles.

I, too, was totally weirded out by your meeting with Snoofles.

I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.

Maybe because they did this every day anyway?

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes.

That is what one typically does in gym class, yes.

i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light.

Being subtle, I see! Good going convincing everyone you’re still human!

Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face.

Did Lauren just try and teabag Tiaa?

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag

I swear this fic has the best similes I have ever seen.

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever

And this is relevant why?

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"

Well put, Lauren.

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.

Nasty! Can’t say I feel bad for Lauren, though.

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren.

Oh, come on. Lauren is just a bully, admittedly, but Uncle Larry was a rapist — a particularly violent one committing repeated rape against a teenager, no less. Killing him was just taking out the trash. And Lauren should be okay-ish after a few skin grafts.

I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.

She headed to an Emilie Autumn concert after school or what?

Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

A voices. One voice, but it’s plural. Got it.

(I wanna make a System Shock joke here but I can’t think of a good one.)

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward.

No one on this planet talks like that. I don’t care what time period you’re from.

i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

…alright, I’m not sure how to react to that.

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness.

I’m pretty sure vampires can’t faint. Did he pretend to faint? Because, if so, that’s really funny.

Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward

“Im trunign into a My Immortal characted!11!11!!1” I yielded depressingly as blod streemed down my iviory fetnures. “Ewdard fangz 4 all da help but not even u can salve me now. I”m gong to go slit my rists with a steak so i can end my live of mizery!112!!!!11111”

“OMS no Tiaa dont go!” Edwerd shooted sadly but it waz 2 latte. I cut miself with da knife and da word went blak.

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

Okay, but like… Edward knows your “uncle” had been raping and beating you repeatedly. The Lauren thing might be considered bad, since her main crime was just being an asshole, but Tiaa didn’t mean to hurt her like that, so it’s not really her fault.

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me

Dude has a point.

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped

Hey, wanna play a drinking game? Take a shot every time Edward starts crying. Finish your drink every time Edward goes immediately from putting the moves on Tiaa to saying he can’t be with her or vice versa. I guarantee you will get very, very drunk.

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"

That’s a reasonable ultimatum except for the part where she propositioned him for sex while they’re in a public area of their high school.

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore!

Get wrecked, Bella.

I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"

See? Was that so hard?

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect.

Get a grip, kids, you’re at school.

I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot.

What part of “get a grip” was so hard for you to understand?

He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

This is shaping up to be a very vague sex scene, huh?

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I didn’t get any girls in high school, but I guess it was probably because I didn’t speak in butchered old-timey English, huh? Nothing gets teenage girls going like a little bizarre grammar!

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook.

I could get analytical about what it means for Tiaa, who was chained to a bed and nearly raped the day before, to develop an interest in restraining her sexual partners… but I’m far more confused by why the hell there are handcuffs laying around in a high school.

he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing.

Why is it lavender? Is he okay?

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth.

I’m far from being a seasoned erotica writer, but if you go from the beginning of the sex act to the climax in a single sentence it really makes it sound like your character came about 10 seconds in. Which, even for a 17-year-old boy, is pretty embarrassing.

The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

I really don’t think it was, actually.

Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE?

It was……………………………. DUMBLEDORE!!11!!!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

It was Bella Swan!

Okay, that had to have been a homage to “My Immortal.” And god bless!

Next chapter

#forbidenfruit.mst #fandom:twilight #halfworld.mst

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wickedangelblog · 6 years

Text

Dark memories and other things.

12/31

*Note: This blog has a lot of personal things in it about myself and my life. You’re welcome to read it (good luck, it’s a long one) - but i’m not posting it for the reason of anyone reading it... I’m posting it for me. As a part of my own therapy, purging myself of bad memories, starting fresh for 2018. I’m planning to make changes and improvements to my life, and this is where i’m starting. If you do take the time to read this, you’ll know me a lot better than you think you do now, and will understand me better. Anyway......

Happy New Year! I hope 2018 is a good year for everyone. <3

I’m working on some things. I’ve already started on some of them. Trying to lose weight (especially being only 4 months from the wedding).. Trying to get into good routines. Right now, trying to get into a good sleep/wake routine.. Also need to work on a fitness routine, and everything else.

I had a good conversation with my brother last night. We talked about mood disorders, etc.. We agree that my Dad had a lot of bipolar symptoms, but as usual when I mentioned Mom, his denial dial switched on. My Dad had mood issues....but my Mom had mood issues along with delusions. He gets a bit defensive any time it’s brought up and wants to insist that the things she would talk about were real. There is no way he can actually believe it was reality, unless he has delusions himself. Maybe he feels like he’s disrespecting her if he doesn’t convince himself that she wasn’t delusional. I love her, and my understanding delusions aren’t reality is not disrespecting her. Like I told him, what I feel bad about was all the years that I didn’t really understand delusions, I would get mad at her, thinking she was making the stories up for attention. I understand that it was reality to her, she had a different thought process than I.

My Mom had a lot of false beliefs. At different points in time she would say that she’s Jesus’ sister. Different things like that. I believe in intuition and that type of thing, but she took it a bit far. She would think she knew things that she had no way of knowing. Psychic dreams. Voices would come to her and tell her of things or warn her of something. When I was a kid, my pet frog died. A friend was over the day before. She was convinced that my friend killed the frog. Banned her from the house, banned me from being around her, had a lot of things to say....the friend, her family and the entire neighborhood knew about it, it was humiliating. She was convinced she was Joan of Arc in her past life. She would take spells where she was intensely angry at me, like I was the enemy, those started early in my life......it was hard. I would feel really insecure and try to get her to be happy with me, and I remember feeling unloved and rejected. The more she pushed me away, the closer I tried to get to her.....the closer I tried to get to her, the more angry she would get. She made accusations toward several people over the years, some pretty bad ones.

I think the issue with my Mom pushing me away has effected my ability to attach normally to people and even things. I go from extremes of either being unattached or super attached, with very little gray away, it’s one way or the other. It usually take a long while for me to get attached, when I do it’s an extreme attachment. I also have insecurity issues from my childhood. I have times when i’m incredibly insecure, I start feeling the same way I did as a child - it’s a cold, lost feeling. Out of control, almost panicky. Now that i’e been with Mark for so long, I sometimes start to feel that insecure feeling, and feel really clingy with him. And anyone who knows me knows that CLINGY isn’t a word you could usually use to describe me. lol I’m kinda more independent and a little bit of a loner in some way, I like my space a lot of the time. But when I start to feel like that, I want to be near him all the time, touching him, otherwise I feel insecure and cuddle my pillow or something. lol I get extra affectionate and just plain “clingy”.....which I hate. At least it doesn’t happen often.

My Mom’s most consistent delusion had to do with UFOs, space aliens.. My entire life, she would tell me (and anyone who would listen) all about her “alien family”. The same stories repeated, occasionally a new one would pop up. When I was really little, I was fascinated! I loved hearing her stories and she would excitedly tell me. When she was talking about these “space aliens”, she seemed truly happy for a change - I loved seeing her this way. As I got a little older and started to understand the difference between reality and non reality, I would get so mad. Mad, because I was convinced that she was lying to me. She thought I was stupid enough to believe it. I would sometimes argue with her over the things she would tell me, telling her it’s impossible. It wasn’t until into my adulthood that I fully grasped the realization that she wasn’t lying to me, she really believed things things. She had delusions, and it wasn’t her fault. I have guilt about the arguments and the anger. But I didn’t know what to think back then, my entire childhood was confusing with altered reality vs reality.....I was confused and frustrated. It was a source of a lot of my stress growing up. My Mom would go through spells where she would want to argue, and often the alien topic was brought up. It frustrated the crap out of my Dad and turned into major loud arguments. My brother Gary would often argue with her about it late into the night, loudly. Neil would usually take Mom’s side, and they’d all be having this ridiculous hours-long fights that would sometimes linger on for a few days. The tension in the house had me insecure, in a constant state of stress and confusion. It would occupy my mind. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t sleep. Felt sick in general, missed a lot of school. Total chaos at home. There were times that Mom would threaten to kill herself or threaten to pack up and leave. It freaked me out and I would really cling to her, was afraid if I was away from her, she’s do one or the other.

She would draw pictures of the UFOs. Of the aliens. They had names as time went on. I remember she called one Alon (Ay-lon) and the other Libby. They were part of her “alien family”. They would talk to her, come to her in dreams. She would talk about being visited by them. From the time I can remember, she’d tell me that they were coming back for her. ....again, worried me when I was little.

She would talk about the times she was on the space ship, describe it in detail. Getting VERY angry if anyone acted like they didn’t 100% believe her, argumentive and volatile. She talked about disappearing as a child, waking up on a hill, where she felt they dropped her off. I mean, so many detailed stories. My head was all sorts of messed up as a kid with all that confusion.

My Mom had a dream in 1989 ( I was 9 at the time) that she would die in 1990. She had me convinced. I was so scared, i’d cry endlessly.....went into a depression, had serious anxiety. New Years eve ‘90 was the worst. I had so much dread and fear, I was crying like an idiot when midnight came along, begging my Mom not to die....I was 9, so I guess I thought I could talk her out of it? That entire year she would bring it up, and I lived in fear of losing her.

I went through what is considered emotional abuse as a child. I can’t figure out whether I blame her for it or blame the illness. But it’s been something I still deal with today. Maybe she couldn’t help it.

She would say the worst things to me. She wished I hadn’t been born, occasionally she’s say she hated me. I would get in her way, stress her out. She even told me (I was 15) that I killed my Dad. He had lung cancer, when I was 13. It went into remission. It later came back, and it was terminal. She insisted that I caused so much stress that it weakened his will to fight. I believed it. Even now, I struggle with guilt from it, even though I should know it wasn’t so. She would tell me that I wasn’t the daughter she hoped for. She said she wanted a meek daughter, quit and timid basically. I was a bit of a wild child with a strong opinion, loud voice and determination. I always felt inadequate, like there was something wrong with me. These days, I come across as being that timid type of person. I am a bit quiet, and really easy going.....but I am still a determined, independent and opinionated person with a wild side, those who know me well know this. lol

As a child, most things were always my fault according to her. And a lot of the time, I felt like everyone was against me. More times than not, it would be 2 or 3 of my family members pissed off at me, siding with each other. I began to think that my existence was a burden on everyone. I dealt with depression and anxiety issues as a child. I remember the first time I felt suicidal, I was 6. There was a big fight going on (I don’t mean physical, it was always verbal and loud) and I was scared, my Mom and Dad being so upset with each other, and the threat of them divorcing, her leaving.....and this happened right after I had thought to myself, I wish they would get mad at each other and not me all the time. At 6, I thought I got my wish and it was my fault. I spent a lot of years hating myself, wishing I were different, and wishing I were loved. I craved affection, and my Mom wasn’t affectionate. I remember times i’d try, and she’s push me away and get mad at me. She said she didn’t like to be touched. When she was in her last days, I was talk to her, and gently rubbing her arm and she got really mad at me, and told me to stop. Noone in my family were very affectionate. My Dad would occasionally try to be lovey with my Mom, and she’s get mad and tell him to stop. Showing and receiving affection felt SO strange to me when I got into my teens and started dating. Over the years, i’ve became very affectionate, but it wasn’t something I learned during the time most people did.

She would get mad at me for being like my Dad. She made him out to be the enemy. I was a Daddy’s girl when I was little, but she would get mad at him and get mad at me if I didn’t take her side. I didn’t want her mad at me, it was one of the worst feelings in the world to me. So I would often side with her, to keep things as peaceful as I could. I was always be the one trying to make everyone happy so they wouldn’t fight, then I would get frustrated when it didn’t work and go crazy with rage, screaming at everyone (or, call it a tantrum - it was extreme rage and frustration from lack of control, lack of normalcy.). I treated my Dad badly a lot of the time, didn’t respect him nearly as much as I should have and said some harsh things to him. I will always regret that, until my dying day. I wish I could have been closer to him as I got older. Wish he was around in my adulthood. I wonder what he would have thought about the adult me, the non tantrum throwing me. I put him through a lot. But now don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect. He had some sort of a mood disorder, and I could see his moods shifting. There were times that I would see it about to happen and be extra nice act extra happy with him, trying to keep him happy. When he was in a bad mood, everyone knew it. He’d be really quiet until something set him off, then it was explosive. He wasn’t quiet, then. But when I think back to his life, the fighting between he and my Mom, I can kinda get it. He was under a lot of stress. He and I had a few good bonding moments, typically when we were out a store, away from the house.

My Mom didn’t seem to want me and him to be close. Things would be tense when we were getting along. When I was really little, he was so good to me. Spent time with me, played with me. He would do this thing that I liked, and still love to have done...I called it “tickling” my back. Just lightly running your fingers over the skin, not rubbing - you know? Like a really soft tickly touch? He used to do that, until my Mom accused him of being a pervert, which caused a big fight and he stopped be affectionate with me. It was BULL, he wasn’t like that and there was nothing inappropriate about it....she even got mad at my brother for tickling (actual tickling this time) me when I was little, accusing the same. I know this difference between appropriate and inappropriate and that was NOT inappropriate in any way. When I was 2/3 years old, something did happen to me. I have some foggy memories, some details. It was NOT my Dad. I remember certain things, but not for sure who it was...but it was not him. When I tried telling my Mom about it in my teens, she accused him. If she felt to lowly about him, why did she stay with him?

She would body shame me, from the time I was really little. I was just a little chubby when I was about 9. She would tell me i’d better go on a diet, that no man will want me when i’m older, noone would marry me. I was cocky, and snapped back at her that I didn’t care, if a boy didn’t want me, I didn’t want him. Glad I felt that was from an early age, not sure where I got that. Maybe from my Dad, he tried to raise me strong and independent, with as much influence as he was allowed to have, that is.. Through my teens, she’s make remarks. Even after I ended up bulimic and losing over 100 pounds at 16. She would still disapprove of the way I looked. Tell me to wear longer shirts to cover my big butt. Tell me that no man wants a woman without boobs unless he’s gay....and when she said that, she was referring to an actress with bigger boobs than I have (not busty, but im ok with that). When I was really little, I loved to watch the Miss America pageant. I would dream of growing up to be pretty and being miss american, she stifled that dream telling me i’m too ordinary. In my teens, I was often told I should model. I talked to my Mom about it, and again, i’m too plain, too fat, too short and there are too many prettier girls as competition. I wanted to do ballet, she said I was too clumsy. I had attention from a few guys who would call me all the time, and she would tell me that they aren’t interested in me, just my car (had a nice car at the time)...I believed her, and started driving my Dads Mazda, still got attention, but her words just stuck with me. Never left me.

I believe her delusions, at least the “alien family” was a result of some early trauma and loneliness. In my teens, I wanted to understand her better, so I would listen to her talk about them, notice the different expressions she would get on her face, the excitement as she would talk about it all. Her demeanor was different, very different. I would ask her questions, and talk to her about other things that went on in her life. She was the middle child of 7, and she often felt left out. So, that makes a little sense as to why her mind made up her own “family”. And she spoke of some traumatic events in her life, which also makes sense. These things along with a family history of mental health issues..

My brother gets defensive, mad and offended at some of the things I say. He often claims he doesn’t remember some things the way I do. But then, he talks about a lot of the alien stuff as if it’s fact, so our opinions definitely differ. I’m not saying I don’t believe in life on other planets. Anything is possible.....but my Mom was not on a damn space ship and noone will convince me otherwise. If he were to read this blog, he would disagree with it. But, this is MY way of getting years of stressful memories OUT of my head, because i’m ready to start new in 2018.

I’ve kept a lot of things locked inside, my entire life. This year, that ends.

I turned out fairly well, considering my childhood. I could have turned out MUCH worse. FAR from perfect, have a lot of things I am trying to work on. I’m trying to teach myself structure and routine.....so it’s all had some affect on me obviously. I did end up with mental health issues of my own. It’s hereditary, and trauma in my childhood (and even later) contributed to things. I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, PTSD from childhood trauma, and general anxiety disorder. Possibly social anxiety or panic disorder, not officially diagnosed.

Because of the constant fighting, shouting and tension in the household when I was growing up (much of which came from me as well, I didn’t know how to deal with the frustration) - I now HATE to argue. I try to avoid topics that commonly end in an argument....do not talk to me about religion or politics... Being yelled at sends me into a rage. Someone yelling around me does one of two things, either make me mad or shatters my nerves and makes me shake like a chihuahua. I am a typically quiet and mellow person, with very little tolerance for negativity. I’ve learned to try to keep people around me happy, and almost lose it when it doesn’t work.

My bipolar doesn’t define me. A few years ago, I told someone about having the disorder, and a couple mutual friends found out....and at least one of them had some really negative things to say about me. I didn’t tell anyone else about it for years, aside from people I became super close with. Even some of them never knew. I feared what people would think of me, what they’d say about me. I didn’t want to be looked at as different, or “crazy”. I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. People can think anything they’d like, it doesn’t change who I am, only how they perceive me, how they choose to judge me. I’m not the stereotypical “bipolar”. I don’t do and say things, act like a complete ass and then blame in on having bipolar, as a lot of people do. I don’t see it as an excuse for anything, if I mess up, thats my character flaw, not bipolar. I do have the bad one, type I (which I recently found out and am still trying to grasp that) - but I don’t have the psychotic symptoms (even when im not on antipsychotics, never had these symptoms) such as hallucinations and delusions. A little surprising that I don’t, considering my family history. But I have a firm grasp on reality. No voices, I don’t see things that aren’t there. I don’t get promiscuous and sleep around.....I have the hypersexuality/ridiculously high sex drive, but I don’t have the desire to sleep around. I struggled with some alcohol issues in my teens (addiction is unfortunately common with bipolar, as is suicides) - but I got a grip on it after about 3 1/2 years. People think everyone with bipolar makes tons of impulsive decision, gets addicted, gets in trouble, sleeps around, has wild mood swings and treating people in their life like total shit. Where it’s true, that a lot of people with bipolar do some of these things, not all do. It’s not bipolar that defines who they are, everyone has their own individual personality.....and some people just suck, and blame it on their disorder.

How bipolar effects me.. I’m often really scatterbrained, have a hard time staying focused - my mind races. When i’m having a manic episode (opposite of depression), I have a lot of thoughts going through my head. It sometimes feel like a trainwreck of thoughts, and my mind won’t slow down. It causes a lot of difficulty with sleep. A lot of difficulty just concentrating and getting things done. It’s VERY draining. I usually talk a lot more than usual, sometimes talk too fast, changing subjects a little abruptly, or switching back and forth between topics. I tend to blog more in my other blog (its a personal therapy blog, though today i’m making this one pretty personal). I forget things. My sexdrive goes up even more (though this happens with depression too at time, very recently in fact). I’m a bit more impulsive. I tend to want to be more social (usually), sometimes I go out to a club or have a few drinks during mania, not always. Sometimes, the mania elevates my mood a LOT higher than normal. Other times, not as often, it causes agitation, I can get a bit irritable...which is when I tend to close myself off from people and shift my focus on something to occupy my mind. Mania can last a while, weeks or even months. I’m lucky that my manias don’t have psychotic features. Mostly i’m just a scatterbrained mess.

The other side is the depressive episodes. Dark times. They usually last a couple weeks or much longer. I have a harder time thinking of how to describe my depression, describing manic episodes was easier for some reason. I asked Mark how he would describe me when i’m depressed. He said stubborn, because he tries to get me to do things and I wont. ...but it’s not that I just won’t, I can’t. He also said if I could a cave or hole to hide in, I wouldn’t be heard from. That’s a good way to describe it. That’s actually how I feel when i’m in a deep depression. I pull away from everyone and everything, I can’t help it. I lose all interest in most things. I don’t typically get grouchy as some people do, just really sad or really far away mentally/emotionally. There have been times i’ve stayed away from people and didn’t talk for days during these times, that’s been years ago, though. I just can’t function. Things I know I need to do seem so difficult and so draining. I sometimes shut the world off for days at a time. It’s not ALWAYS this extreme though. I’ve been in a depressive episode without as much actual sadness, and have been able to function at least moderately. It varies. Sometimes my anxiety gets really bad during depression, my fears and worries are very much intensified. Unless the depression is bad enough to alter my functioning all together, you may not even know i’m depressed if we talk briefly or if I see you out. Over the years, I learned to mask my emotions (wasn’t supposed to be emotional or cry....was always very emotional, but it was looked upon as a weakness and i’d hear about it) . Usually, I can smile and be friendly, when i’m falling apart inside. I’ve been so depressed I barely feel like I want to live, and i’ve been able to fake a smile and listen to someone else’s problem and support them. I’d rather pull away and be alone that to bring them down. I’m an emotional sponge, meaning when i’m around a person, their emotions can wear off on me. Lower my mood, raise my mood, whatever. I don’t want to do that to anyone else, I try to seem happy, even when i’m not. When i’m depressed, I fall into a dark place. I have a lot of thought of death....not suicide, though i’ve felt that way numerous times during depression... Just general thoughts of death, what it would be like to die, morbid thoughts. I get more of an urge to spend time at places like the cemetery. Though I like cemeteries and abandoned places any time, not only when i’m depressed.

I have rapid cycling, frequent mood changes (but not the stereotypical going from happy to sad or mad - just drifting from episode to episode). I have also been experiencing mixed episodes for a while, at least a year. I can have som symptoms of mania mixed with some depressive symptoms. I absolutely HATE that feeling, those are really hard to deal with. And confusing, trying to figure out if im about to go into a manic episode or a depression.

My Ptsd comes from several traumatic times in my life, beginning in childhood with all the confusion and big arguments (c-ptsd, chronic or ongoing trauma), emotional abuse. But, i’ve had some very traumatic things happen in my teens and adulthood, too. I’m still trying to figure out which of my symptoms are from ptsd, and which are from bipolar or anxiety. Ptsd is confusing to me.

The general anxiety disorder is bad. I always have some anxiety, but when it really gets triggered (someone goes wrong, typically) I obsess over the problem, can’t get it off my mind, and it can go on for days nonstop. Intrusive thoughts, inability to distract myself. And after my heart attack, i’ve developed either social anxiety (?) or panic disorder it seems. I’ve had several panic attacks in public, causing my heart to race, a lot of sweating, red face, dizziness, extreme anxiety and the strong urge to get away from everyone. I haven’t had a bad one since I started a med called Buspar, hoping it’s working.

So yeah, that’s the issues I deal with. Trying to get a grasp on things, slowly working routines into my life (I was raised without routine, without structure, learning these things now, better late than never) - I am thinking that having good routine in my life will help A LOT with dealing with those things. I want 2018 to be different, make the positive changes that i’ve always wanted to do. Having Sierra around has been really good for me, as I have to have a bit of a routine going to provide structure in her life. I know how important THAT is, so it’s one of my top priorities. And she never had that with her bio-mother. We’ve done really well with that since she’s been with us. It’s my own personal routines that need fixed. lol

I didn’t intend to write this much. Had a lot on my mind, had to get it out of my head. If anything i’ve said changes your opinion of me, that’s your personal choice and i’m fine with it. I’ve probably made some typos along the way. lol I’m going to stop writing for now. Ttyl

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful.

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep.

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies.

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that.

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_.

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be.

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit.

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions.

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant.

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche.

theyre right. the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we?

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution.

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories.

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking.

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people.

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs.

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies.

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt.

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free.

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.

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snezoc · 7 years

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Meander

Oh absurdity of life, long have you remain hidden to me behind a veil, sneaking and snooping about, circling me with naught visible but the crest of your chasing fin.. Thou hath caught up to me. Update after update I have begun to write but soon the thoughts are abandoned and, along with them, the post itself. There is much to be covered but no centralized ideas, no focal points or specific heart-renders; rather, there are a slew of ideas pressing forward, lonely thoughts desperately needing acknowledgment and love. My emotional state; how is it? If I think about it, fair but relative. It is too easy to trespass the parameters in which we place our goals in. I am still rather volatile at times, unpredictable and unsure, lacking confidence in myself. I will realize this, brush it off with one hand telling my self next time will be different, and accordingly forget about the entire haughty affair. Good! You have identified your misgivings. Now what will you do? Will you identify and then no more? Or will you not assure that you do not repeat yourself? Doing solely the former is pointless, it's like knowing you have a flat tire but being too lazy to fix it. So. It is apparent that you can't to the latter without the former, and if you can only do the former you might as well just continue being unstable. Being self-aware is simply just not enough. Indeed, forcing up to the surface the reasons for the illness is not enough to cure it; why then, have I not done so? It is a difficult and puzzling process. In the heat of battle, emotions can fly off the handle like hot oil flies off a pan, and then, it seems no matter how hard you try those pathetic little vices emerge and squeeze the life out of those virtues you endeavor to instill in yourself after long introspection. Those vices - anger, anxiety, fear, dread, misery, selfishness - contemptible, frightening things. Why are they frightening? Consider the parasite. It has one purpose: to bore out a hole in its unsuspecting host and inhabit him, invoking feelings of insane discomfort and displeasure - and our poor host, oblivious to the source of his suffering - is none the wiser, he welters and writhes all about in vain attempts to dislodge the intruder... He is terrified because he is aware of the devilish pest and all of its treachery.. and his terror is mirrored ten-fold because, at least to his knowledge, nothing can be done. But lo, something can be done! Can not the man, rather than being held prisoner by his accursed beast, crying before it or otherwise hoping for things to get better soon, actively research ways to uproot the thing, or find out ways to deal with the immense pain? Similarly, those negative emotions you harbor, instead of letting them feed off you without fear of reprisal, can you not take better measures to ensure their subjection? When a bitter emotion creeps up on you, when you feel the cold running up your spine and entering your heart.. Stop. Really. Pretend like you can manipulate time on a whim, and freeze. Cease all emotion for for a brief moment only - harken back to those memories where serenity burrowed deep within - those moments where the vacuity of hate formed a void; and rushing to fill this void was a wholesome resplendence called serenity. The autumn sun and those fluttering flakes of white, the golden leaves and the cool air; the vast blue ocean and a horizon sponged with wonderful purple and orange; a dark room, a vanilla bean candle, and a thunderstorm; those divine memories of yours. Simple experiences of tranquility they may be, but there is a fundamental truth to them: that the most delightful scenery is a composition of harmonious elements; we love nature like this because we revel in natures balance, it's melodic brilliance. That is why it is important to bring at once those thoughts of nature into our mind when we begin to feel at odds with it. Nature is never angry, or jealous, or scornful or anxious of haughty: it is indifferent. Be indifferent. Be cognizant. Be nature. Now, we have only just begun to scratch the surface. My relationships are plagued with what I feel like is inauthenticity. Real emotion, conversation, interest, care, support, are rarely shown, and it seems as thought most of my ties to people are mainly for selfish reasons, leaving myself to wonder: what's really the point? These relationships are not helping me to grow, learn more about myself, learn more about the other person, learn to empathize and care for them. A profound, infuriatingly difficult question I have been wrestling with: is it my fault, or the other persons, or are we both guilty? Have I allowed my relationships to be built on a foundation of mutual trust and honesty, or are they built merely for passing the time or simply just getting by? This is a extremely important question that I must prod at frequently. Recently, I made a bold move: delete all of the social media connecting me to my friends. It's been about two days since I did that and so far I am enjoying it. I don't feel tied down to constantly check my phone to trivial conversations with people I don't really have a strong emotional connection with. These conversations made me feel not alone; but it was, and always is temporary.. I am still lonely inside, craving for something for meaningful and authentic. The time spent answering and constantly checking Snapchat is just a way to shallowly alleviate symptoms of loneliness. I reached my breaking point on Saturday when I hung out with Sam, Hayden, Juan, and Liam. I have been hanging with them since June doing the same thing: watching movies. The more I think about it, the more interesting this little group dynamic is. They're all funny guys. And that's great. They make me laugh hard with their dark, matter-of-fact manner of humor. But that's all there ever is. Any attempts at legitimate conversation are usually stymied by a joke or witty quip, and truthfully speaking, the maturity of most of the group members is low. Both Liam and Hayden are emotionally immature, which is understandable given their age, but it is very problematic at times. Hayden is very insecure and isn't comfortable really expressing himself, Liam is hot-headed and is infallible in his ability to derail conversation or get super defensive about anything. Sam I believe is mature, but due to Liam his abilities to express this are quickly nipped in the bud. There was actually one time where it was just me, Maiki, Hayden, and Sam, and we managed to have good serious discourse. I think Liam is the biggest problem. We are all bonded through movies, but this seems to be one of the very few of our common interests. We all know each other's relationships with one another is weak, and has so far only been sustained via memes and movies, knowing this, we are scared to venture further than this in general because it is what we are comfortable with. But this dissolves, or makes much it harder, to explore more about one another and forge more intimate bonds. That is why we must entertain new mediums of hanging out, we need to switch it up. We have started to do this somewhat, but I think we are all generally confused on what direction the group is headed. I want to give them all a second chance, but I also think it might be better if I leave them all. Surrounding myself with immature people will reflect poorly on me. I need to decide what friends are worth keeping and what ones aren't. That leads me to my next problem: Joy. What started as a meaningful, and overall sincere conversation surrounding movies, quickly devolved into something that meant much more little. We became friends... sort of. I have always been a little attracted to her, and when I really started talking to her me and Arlyn were waning (I will get to that in a moment though) and so I decided I would talk with her some more and find out more about her. But that hasn't really happened. I am interested in her in a purely sexual way, I think, for now, at least. Frequent back and forth snapchats talking about trivial things, making jokes about each other etc etc. jokes jokes jokes jokes. Fucking jokes. I'm tired of them. Authenticity is struggling for air. Too unsure to ask her to hangout because our relationship is so teetering, and because the Arlyn thing isn't really settled, we have been stuck in limbo with nothing really productive is being made possible by our friendship. I haven't really learned anything about he. Nor her me. It's just hurrdurr screenshots and a desire to have sex with each other it seems. To resolve this, I will have to make more of an effort to be more genuine in our conversations -- that means getting OFF Snapchat and asking for her number or something so we can begin to establish something more substantial. Right now I can't see the point of it, so that's why I had to delete Snapchat because I was sort of having an existential crisis. Now, Arlyn. She is amazing, really, she is beautiful and our conversations are authentic, I have learned a lot about her and she has learned a lot about me. She is just incredibly held back with her emotions, often doesn't take the initiative, and that sometimes makes me feel like she doesn't really take what we're trying to build seriously. She is hard to talk to sometimes, but easy at others, I would say she's not the one, but I haven't really gotten the chance to find out. We aren't able to see each other, and ultimately a myriad of factors prevent us from being together. It's come to my attention that these factors won't clear the way any time soon. I feel awkward talking to her in real life sometimes, we're both really nervous understandably. Bottom line is we would probably be good be each other but we won't find out anytime soon because of the situation with her parents. I actually compiled a very long list of thoughts regarding the situation and sent to it her. Me, being someone who thinks there is always a way around a perceived obstacle, proposed that I at least meet her parents so they attach a face to the idea of this monster that is interested in their daughter. We figured this could be arranged and she said it may be able to happen but then: nothing. Nothing ever happened. It was never discussed again, it both sort of drifted from our minds and boom - back to where we started - confused. Why is this? Partly my fault, I don't want to pester her and be too assertive about this, partly hers for not really taking initiative except when I instruct or bring up an important relationship matter. Again, I am left with two choices: cut her off, or try once again to push to meet her parents. I haven't texted her seriously in a long time, it has mostly been filler stuff lately, I.e "I still want to talk to you because we have talked for so long but talking about the actual matter is difficult so we'll just talk about nonsense and jump around the actual issue" kind of thing. Maiki: a good friend. He is authentic, will speak his mind, isn't scared about disagreeing or saying something controversial, will be honest with you etc. drawbacks: hostile at times, can be unaware of his many annoying tendencies, is difficult for him to be truly authentic at times, tries too hard to be edgey, has many bad habits (watches child porn), very greedy at times, can be redundant and can be hard to express myself clearly to him as English is his second language. But I can be truly comfortable around him. We won't have to prattle on every moment about trivial things, we can sit in silence and have a good conversation when it arises; nothing is too forced. Sometimes I can resent him because he is so hard to get through too at times, but I love him nonetheless. He is very independent. There aren't any glaring problems here, nothing that can be remedied, at least. We are fundamentally two very different people with conflicting ideas on conversation and interests and communication; so problems will inevitably arise. But those problems are navigable. And I have to understand and accept that we just have a friendship very different from most. We won't text everyday asking how he other is or stuff like that. We can go days without talking but then pick up where we left off whenever. It's very strange, but admirable.

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