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bjornswoman · 9 months

Text

Nemesis's wish

Author's note: Hello everyone! I'm back with this fic which is my favorite so far. It was supposed to be shorter but eventually it couldn't, so this isn't the end about these two characters. This fic is the first of a trilogy (hopefully). Anyway, thank you for your support and till next time stay safe and have fun.

Pairing: Ubbe x Reader.

Genre: Mini!series, drama, angst, slight romance.

Summary: You were forced to marry a man you despise.

Warnings: Mentions of cheating and pregnancy, mentions of divorce, jealousy and strong language.

My enemy and me masterlist |

Life had always been a challenge for you. And your wedding couldn't be any different. The worst part of it was that your husband, the man you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, was horrible and you hated him.

Well, horrible wasn't a word people would use to describe Ubbe Ragnarsson. They preferred to call him loyal, reasonable, honorable and names like these, but for you he was horrible. A man you were forced to waste your life on his bloody side.

Your relationship was almost non-existent. Ubbe tried to have a deal with you or even approach you somehow but you wanted nothing with him. So he was never around the house.

You knew that he had affairs with other women, something that he had never admitted. It worked for you until you were with child. His child. It was a miracle that it happened. You almost couldn't believe it but it was the truth. After all, people were talking about you two and this child came to end the rumors around your marriage.

You hated Ubbe but you loved more than anything and anyone in the world your son. He was blonde and his eyes had the same blue as his father's. He resembled him a lot but you didn't care. Your baby was so peaceful, unlike his father and his brothers who were always too loud.

Thankfully for you, most of the year he was not around the town, because he was raiding in the spring and was back in the winter. The unlucky part was that winter was approaching and that meant that Ubbe would be back within some days.

It was like your son had notice your moody self all these days and he was upset as well. He would cry all time and he wouldn't sleep easily, like usual.

Your hands were wrapped around the toddler and you brought him on your lap trying to calm him down.

"Come on baby. Relax please. Just do it for mummy please." You muttered to your son as you tried to calm him down. You stood up from the bed, walking through the room holding the baby on your hands.

You didn't understand that somebody was watching as you were whispering to your son his lullaby. The one you sang every night. The one which could only calm him down, but lately even this specific one couldn't work on him.

"Here, give him to me. He will be delighted when he will see me." Said the guy coming out of the shadows, scaring you so much that you clenched the poor baby on your breasts. You turned your face and saw the person you didn't want to see at all.

Ubbe was standing next to you waiting to have his son. You wouldn't let him lay a hand on him, but you did when you saw the little boy smiling at the sight of his father.

"I thought you wouldn't be back until next week. You came quite early." You were saying as you were placing the boy on his hands. When the baby was on his hands, you took some steps away and placed your hands in front of your chest.

Ubbe's blue eyes were on his son smiling and playing with him. When you finished talking, his eyes left the baby who was almost sleeping on the hands of his father and turned to you. Eyes as blue as you had never seen them before, as beautiful as never before. Or you had never noticed them like that before.

A smirk formed on his face before he started his own words.

"Much to your displeasure, we managed to raid the Christian cities in less time and we decided to come back before the first snowflakes fall." He replied to you and left the sleepy baby on its crandle. The direction of his face returned to you and he placed his hands before his chest, as you did before. You were looking at each other for some seconds without talking, but Ubbe was the one to break the silence. "I didn't think that you would be here when I'd be back home. I was expecting you to take the boy and disappear." His voice was softer than before. Probably because the little boy was sleeping peacefully inside the crandle.

You chuckled when you heard him talking. You were asking that same thing to yourself. You could do that. After all, you were thinking about that all of the months of your pregnancy. You even tried to scheme, but you ended up doing nothing.

To be fair, life wasn't that bad next to Ubbe. At least lately it was quite better and after seeing him back safe and healthy you felt happier and quite more relieved than before. You couldn't find the reason behind all this. The only thing you knew for sure was that you felt strange.

"I thought the same thing, but it wasn't easy to run away when your mother had her guards watching me like hawks." You replied smiling and he smiled as well for a moment. Then, his eyes went darker. The darker shade of blue that you had ever seen in your life.

"I'd never let you go anywhere with my son. You could run away, go wherever, but little Ragnar stays here with me." His words were harsher than any other time before. You felt yourself getting confused. Ubbe had never talked this way to you before this night. He would leave this house and wouldn't talk to you. When he did talk to you he was kind most of the times. He moved closer to you and one his hands made it on your chin.

You moved away from his grip on your face and looked at him all mad. For one moment you thought that you could feel something else than hate and anger for him and he had to destroy these feelings.

"Command your men, not me. And don't be so sure that you will find your son here tomorrow when you would come back from your whores." Your words came out of your mouth like they were drops of poison. You could see his face transforming again. He went mad. If eyes killed, you would be dead by now. If Ubbe was another man, you would be dead by now.

His hands grabbed your neck and he pushed your body on the wall behind you using his own one. You were trapped between him and the wall with his hand around your throat. He could kill you if he wanted to. You were right there at his mercy looking at him angry like before. Looking at him like you weren't afraid of what he could do to you.

"I could kill you for that and nobody would guess it was me." Ubbe whispered to you. His angry eyes were burning your face. You didn't hold back. Your eyes were looking straight at his eyes.

"Go on then." Your voice came out as a whisper due to the pressure on your troat causing by his larger hand.

"Don't test my patience, woman." With that last whisper right above your left ear, Ubbe set you free from his strong grip and walk to your shared bed. He laid on it.

"My name is (Y/N)." You were saying within pauses as you were trying to catch your breath.

"I can recall your name."

"Then use it when you are referring to me!" You raised your voice this time, forgetting about the toddler sleeping next to the bed.

Your son's crying came right after your yelling. You rushed to him and grabbed him from the crandle before Ubbe could touch him.

"You hate me so much that you didn't even care for our son." He said as he sat on the edge of the bed, watching you holding and trying to calm down the crying baby.

"That's not true!" You whisper–yelled looking straight at Ubbe. "This boy is the best thing that has happened in my life since the fucking day I was forced to fucking marry you!" Tears were dropping from your eyes without your notice. "You claim that I hate you, yes I do hate you, but not more than you hate me! You are horrible to me! The mighty Ubbe Ragnarsson who is fair and reasonable to everyone else treats his wife horrible! I get it that you loved that slave girl and you wanted her, but it insults me." You said and wiped away the tears from your face. After that, you held the baby closer to your body and you caressed his hair and then his back. "Go. Find her like any other night. Hopefully, she might be with child and your mother will free us both." You spoke calmer than before and after this you turned to your baby. His teary eyes were looking at yours. "I'm here, my little warrior." You spoke softly at him and started singing only for him.

Ubbe didn't say a word back at you as you were trying to calm the kid so it could sleep. The only thing he did, was to leave from the house and slam the door behind him. When he left, you let the tears stream down from your face.

That night Ubbe didn't come back home, but it wasn't unusual for him. He wouldn't spend the nights at home when he was back. Probably he was drinking with his brothers at the Great Hall and then he was beding that Margrethe girl.

You didn't sleep more than two hours and not because Ubbe wasn't there, but because of your boy's crying. He would wake up every two hours due to fever.

The day was downing when you heard knocks on your door. You opened just to find Hvitserk holding your drunk husband. You moved your head unimpressed and opened your door fully so Hvitserk could move Ubbe on the bed. Little Ragnar was on your hands crying the whole time.

"Is - Is everything alright?" Hvitserk asked quite uncomfortably and brought his hand at the back of his neck.

"No, but it is going to be." You replied at him, caressing the head of your calm now baby who was sleeping. You tried to force a small smile on your face, but you failed as it was expected.

"Why is my nephew so upset today?" Hvitserk was speaking as his hand was caressing your son's blonde head.

"Your nephew has some fever and he is more cranky than usual." You said to your brother-in-law and your lips met your son's forehead. When you felt his decreased temperature you smiled. "But, he is quite colder than before so that's a good sign." You said again and left the boy in the crandle. After that you moved to your kitchen to offer some of your newly baked bread to Hvitserk. He admired your skills in cooking and you appreciated that. "I baked this some time ago. The little monster wouldn't let me sleep." You said when you offered him some of your handmade bread.

"He always calms down when his father is around and don't try to deny it." He pointed out with his mouth full of bread.

You gazed at Ubbe, then at the toddler and at Ubbe again. It was true. Little Ragnar adored his father, it was obvious. Ubbe had a unique ability to charm him, as everyone else. Those son of Ragnar Lothbrok had this ability in their blood.

"I was - I was not going to deny it. I admit that my son adores his father. Everyone adores him." You turned to Hvitserk.

"Everyone except from you."

"What?"

His words caught you off guard. It felt strange when you heard these words coming out of the mouth of a third person. Not so due to the sound of them, but because after the birth of your child people assumed that your relationship with your husband was better. The relationship that a husband would have with his wife. They believed that you grew to love each other and you let them believe so. You wanted them to believe that. You acted like a loving couple in front of others and you even agreed that neither his family should know the real. They seemed relieved and convinced that you finally loved each other.

Hvitserk's eyes landed on your face. You were upset, he could tell by the look of your eyes. He left the empy plate in front of him and concentrated on you.

"Don't act like the loving wife you pretend to be to me. I know better (Y/N). My brother isn't a good liar or pretender. Plus, he spoke a lot last night. Luckily, it was just me there to hear." Hvitserk spoke to you and your eyes met the darkness that covered Ubbe's figure laying on the bed. Before you could even form a word to defend yourself, Hvitserk spoke again. "He was talking about little Ragnar all the time when we were back on the battlefield, you know. He even talked for you a couple of times. It slipped from his lips that he thought that you prayed to Gods for him to die there and I acted like I didn't hear that." He confessed whispering and you felt a tear threatening your left eye. You fought that tear back, you wouldn't let yourself cry in front of Hvitserk. You had cried in front of Ubbe before, but only in front of him because for a strange reason it felt really hard to keep them in.

As for Ubbe's beliefs about your false prayers. Even if you hated him, you would never pray such a thing for the father of your child.

"I - I never - I didn't—" You stopped for a moment to catch your running breath. You closed your eyes for a second and then you re-opened them and looked right at Hvitserk. "I would never pray such a thing. Ubbe and I are whatever we are, but he is still the father of my baby. This boy right there needs his father and whatever bullshit I have told him and he went mad tonight, I wouldn't leave, not after I gave birth to Ragnar. To be honest if it wasn't for him, probably I wouldn't be here right now, but I don't thing that this matters after all." You said honestly.

Hvitserk run his fingers through his messy hair and stretched. After that he took a deep breath.

"If you wanted to leave (Y/N), you would be gone by now. You had your chances before Ragnar but you never did." He spoke and you frowned. You had never thought things that way. But Hvitserk's words were truth.

It had always been a threat that you wouldn't be there when Ubbe would be back home after the raid, but you had never actually done that. You waited for him even when you didn't want him to come home just yet. You caught yourself bringing him up on your prayers just to make sure that Gods would keep him safe, but away for a little longer.

You didn't know what you should have answered him. On the other hand, he didn't need an answer. Hvitserk, as a third person and outside of all this madness, he knew the reason behind both of your behaviors, Ubbe's and yours.

Hvitserk smiled at you and stood up from tbe wooden chair he was sitting. Before he lay his foot outside your house, Hvitserk turned to you.

"It's not a crime to admit that you care for him. Even if you don't want to see it yourself, you have feelings for Ubbe that are not just hatred and anger. You don't need to argue or convince me differently, not me." Hvitserk spoke after his gaze had landed on his brother just to make sure that he wouldn't hear his words. He didn't wait for an answer of yours, he walked through the way that led to the door, but first he looked back at you again. "My advice is only one and hear me for once. I know I am not the wisest person on Midgard, not even close to that, but you have to believe in me just for this once. Don't do anything stupid and let Ubbe go away. You are reaching the end of the line. Both of you are on the edge. You will regret letting him go. Try to think what you want and if you realize that you feel something other than hatred, change. That's my advice to you sweet (Y/N)." Those were Hvitserk's last words. After them he stormed out of the house and left you sinking in your thoughts.

They couldn't be truth, Hvitserk's words. This would be madness. You hated Ubbe and that was it. You were waiting the moment when this marriage would be over. You were living for this same moment. Hvitserk's words confused and made you reconsider everything you thought you felt before this moment.

You couldn't like this guy even a little bit. That couldn't happen. Never. The only good feelings which were trying to form were due to the fact that Ubbe was the father of your son — the only happiness you got from your marriage to your husband was this child. Your miracle baby.

You gazed over to your son and after to his father. You shook your head to avoid your endless thoughts.

You hated Ubbe and wanted to divorce him that was the situation. It wouldn't change. It couldn't change. You waited a very long time to be free from this man, so you wouldn't change your mind just like that, because Hvitserk tried to push some feelings that you didn't even have for his brother.

You stood from your seat and grabbed your basket. You had to clear your mind from all the thinking and going to the market seemed a good solution. Before you leave, you checked oj your sleeping baby and glanced at Ubbe just once.

When you made it out of the door and walked through the streets of Kattegat, people were looking at you suspiciously and you even cought a couple of them whospering to each other as you passed them. At first, you thought that it was a usual day and all this was normal, because you were Ubbe Ragnarsson's wife or something like that. You started to get suspicious when it didn't stop and their stares were persistent on you.

You tried to find a familiar face to ask about the situation, but you weren't that lucky.

After you bought some things you needed you headed back home, where you found Ubbe playing with little Ragnar.

Them playing together — more like Ubbe tickling Ragnar and Ragnar laughing — wasn't a picture you got to see every day. You felt a strange feeling in your heart. It was like a bird flying inside your chest though it didn't last long, because Ubbe's voice made you feel like your usual self towards him.

"Where have you been?" The tone of his voice was imposing and demanding, like he was questioning you. When you heard him you felt quite angry, but you didn't want to cause one more scene in front of your son.

You moved a little bit from the door and left your basket on the table.

"I have been in the market." You spoke as you left your cloak on one of the wooden chairs. As you were speaking, your hands were organizing your kitchen and the stuff you had bought.

When Ubbe heard your answer clicked his tongue inside his mouth, a sound that annoyed you very much.

"What a stupid excuse to leave your child all alone." He said bitterly. Something which made you to turn and look at him. Ubbe had placed your son back inside his crib and was at the other side of the table whick was standing as an obstacle between you and him.

Ubbe was leaned on the wall and his hands were crossed in front of his chest.

You took a deep breath and tried to remain calm for once more because of your child. It wasn't good for your son growing up in an environment where his parents were fighting all the time.

"I didn't leave him all alone, I left him with his father." You responded and leaned your body on the cupboards and placed your hands in front of your chest, like he did before.

"I was fucking sleeping and he was alone! Alone (Y/N)! Anything could have happened to him!" Ubbe yelled as he came even closer and stood inches away from the table.

You closed your eyes and tried to keep your patience.

"I am telling you he wasn't alone, he was with you. You would hear him crying if anything happened." You reasoned angry in low tone of voice, but Ubbe wasn't a bit pleased by your answer. In fact, he was even more angry.

The crying of your baby stopped Ubbe from saying whatever he was going to. You passed from him and grabbed your son from his bed, trying to calm him down.

Your lips placed on his forehead to check on his body temperature and when you knew that he was hot you placed a kiss on his forehead.

"He has fever." You muttered to Ubbe without looking at him.

"What?" His voice sounded different from before when he was talking to you. He sounded surprised and scared.

Undoubtedly, Ubbe loved his son and was an excellent father for him. This child was all he dreamed about. Ragnar just had the wrong mother.

"How long?" He asked again and this time he was close to you caressing the back of your boy.

It was the first time he was this close to you and you two weren't forced to pretend that you wanted it. This time both of you were anxious about your son's health.

"Since last night." You answered him and finally looked at his worried blue eyes. It wasn't the first time you noticed how lovely they were, but it felt like it was. Ubbe was looking back at you, the exact way you looked at him. "Here, hold him for a while." You told him and placed the boy on his hands.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll fetch some water and a wet cloth. They will help."

Within a minute you were both sitting on your shared bed. Ubbe was holding the kid and you were holding the wet piece of cloth on your son's forehead.

"He seems quite better now" Ubbe pointed out and you agreed, taking the cloth away from your baby's sleeping form.

After that, both of you stood from the bed and Ubbe placed your son back inside his crib and both you stayed there looking at the baby for some time.

It felt strange and weird being that close to him and not fighting. When you stopped looking at the baby, you went back to your kitched and he sat on a chair looking around uncomfortable.

Both of you felt uncomfortable and weird around each other for not reason. It wasn't like you didn't know each other, but you felt like strangers to each other indeed. Like you weren't the ones who were fighting some time ago.

"(Y/N)." Ubbe was the first to break the silence between the two of you and you turned to face him.

"Yes, Ubbe." You muttered.

"I—"

He didn't even get to form a proper word when loud knocks on the door startled both of you. You walked pass the table and opened the door. When you did, you met a very worried version of Hvitserk Ragnarsson. You hadn't seen his this way ever again before.

"Brother, I want to talk to you about something." Hvitserk spoke quickly, without greeting you. Ubbe's expression changed when he saw the one his brother had on his face and you were curious yourself, but you didn't ask anything. "Privately." Hvitserk added and glanced at you.

Ubbe stood up from the chair he was sitting and walked to the door.

"If anything happens with the child, go to the Great Hall." Ubbe told you.

"I know." You whispered before he close the door behind him.

It wasn't the first time he left like that. Actually, those times were countless and you felt nothing about it, you didn't really matter where Ubbe was, until this moment. You could feel the agony inside your chest. Your heart was pounding in your chest and your hands were sweating. You had a bad feeling. Or you were just sick. Maybe you had caught the cold from your baby.

That must have been. It was the only reasonable reason about your feelings.

Fortunately, a soft knock on your door stopped your thoughts and you rushed to open. When you opened, you noticed Torvi's worried look on you and frowned.

"Come in." You were the faster one to start talking, as you opened the door wider for her to come in the house. When she was inside, you closed the door behind her.

"I heard that a certain someone is sick and came to help you. I know how it is to have a sick boy. Hali would get sick almost every winter until he was three." She spoke and you smiled warmly.

"He is getting better now. I hope he will be fine in a couple of days." You said smiling, watching your little boy sleeping. But your smile died when you looked at Torvi again.

She had the same worried expression as when she stood outside your house.

"Is everything alright?" You asked as you moved to your kitchen to prepare some tea for the both of you.

"Well, I didn't come only for Ragnar here, I came to see you, too. You are barely around lately." Torvi's voice was softer than usual, but you didn't want to think too much about it. You were just upset because Ragnar was sick that was all. There was nothing suspicious.

But, on the other hand, too many of coincidences were standing in your way in one day. If you knew one thing, it would be that you didn't believe in coincidences.

"Yes, I know, but Ragnar was sick and you know how I am when is time for my husband to come back from raiding." You spoke and placed a cup of hot tea in the table.

When you looked at Torvi, she was still standing. You motioned her to sit opposite of you and she did it.

You didn't speak much of Ubbe, or the state of your marriage, but Torvi knew. Every member of his family knew the truth about you. They just didn't speak about it. Even Ivar, the brother who was known for his poisonous words, didn't say anything ever, at least not when you were around, and you appreciated that.

Torvi didn't answer you. She was just staring the table speechless which was suspicious. It felt like she knew something and she came to you to tell you, but for some reason which you didn't know she was saying it.

"Torvi." You said her name and leaned closer to her, placing your hand closer to hers. Her eyes met yours and at that moment you knew for sure that something was up. "I can sense that something is wrong, tell me what it is." You spoke again and she her eyes left you for once again. "Torvi, tell me." Your tone was firmer.

You saw her tensing and closing her eyes, then opening them again. Torvi took her hand away from yours and you felt even more confused.

"Alright." She wasn't looking at you when she was speaking. Something that felt even worse. "There is something that I assume that you are not aware of and I think that is unfair for you not to know it. Probably, I am not the one to tell you that and maybe it's a mistake the fact that I am here now, but I consider you my sister and I couldn't keep it away from you." She paused for some seconds and before she started speaking her eyes reached yours. "Margrethe, you know Margrethe, right?" She asked you and you felt you mouth turning bitter at the sound of her name.

Of course you knew her. She was the mistress of your husband. The woman – the thrall girl – he loved and wanted to marry and dreamed about being with her, having the family he always wanted with her, but instead Ubbe stuck with you – the woman he despised the most.

"Are you kidding me, right now?" Your voice was more ironic than you wanted or intended it to be, but when it came to that woman you couldn't keep yourself together.

"I assume you do, considering your answer. Anyways, Margrethe is pregnant." She spilled and you felt your blood turning cold inside your veins.

For a couple minutes nothing was sounding. You couldn't think properly, or even form a proper word to say. You were horrified.

"I didn't want to say it so straightforward. I tried—"

"Who is the father?"

Both of you spoke almost at the same time.

Torvi took a deep breath and that was enough as an answer for you.

"It's been said....... she said that....... I mean......." She was trying to say that your husband was the father of her bastard child, but she couldn't find the right words about it and to be honest were there any right words about something like that?

Probably not.

"It's fine. I guessed that Ubbe is the father." You voice was calm, as you intended.

You were upset. You were angry. You felt hurt for some unknown reason. But you kept yourself together. After all, that was all you wished for to happen. Now, after Margrethe's pregnancy, his mother would approve to your divorce. People would understand. You were humiliated but took all you wanted.

Also, the looks and the whispering in the market this same day made sense. Nothing was a coincidence at the end of the day.

"Hey, aren't you happy for me?" You stood up, trying to sound happy, trying to be happy. It was all you wanted all this time and now it felt like Hel. "Torvi, Torvi, Torvi, let's not lie to each other, you know my problems with him. I have always wanted to find a getaway from this nightmare and now I am finally free to live by my own rules, without a person I hate. And wanna know something else? I knew it about them and I fucking told him to impregnate her so the queen would let us divorse. See, that's all I ever fucking wanted." Your voice was bitter and poisonous. At the end of your speech, you turned your back on Torvi and placed your hands on the counter to steady yourself.

When you did that you closed your eyes and refused by that way to let tears fall from your eyes.

"(Y/N), you don't mean that. You are just upset right now, I understand, I totally understand, but—"

"Torvi, leave me alone." You said, trying to be calm, or at least the calmer way you could be. "Please." Your voice almost gave you away. It almost broke and Torvi was clever she knew – even if you refused to admit it even to yourself – that you were hurt.

Torvi did as you asked her too, she left without speaking a word behind her. When you heard the door closing, you let yourself break.

You fall on your knees and cried worse than your baby. You cried gor something you claimed you wanted all the time you were married with this man and after he did what you told him to, you felt awful – betrayed that was it.

Two words came to your mind when you cried. Weak and stupid. That's how you called yourself and you felt that way because what you didn't want to happen and hated to even think about happening, happened. You had developed feelings for him and you hated him for that, even more. You hated that you loved him.

Hvitserk was right. Everything he told you was right, but nothing of that mattered anymore. You should have admitted and tried to do something to save the last pieces of this marriage, but now, there was nothing that could be saved.

Even if you wanted, even if you tried, Ubbe wouldn't want you. She was all he wanted all this time and this baby of hers and now he had it all. His biggest dream was becoming truth.

Your son's loud crying brought back for once more. He was your saviour after all and you owed him for that.

Your hands wrapped around his little body and tried to relax him, but it seemed impossible when you yourself was crying loudly too.

It was just the two of you now – like you craved – and it felt lonely and strange. It felt like a piece was missing and you knew damn well which piece was that. All you wanted was to leave him and live all by yourself with the only person you loved in the world, but now it was different. It was hard to let go of him and your life with him.

Only the thoughts of finally getting freed from this painful marriage made your heart ached.

You couldn't fall for him. Especially not now.

"Your father will be always there for you, Ragnar. He will always love you deeply, after all you are his firstborn son, you carry his legacy the most. It's just that you will have to grow apart from him, but that doesn't change anything. And I – I love you more than anything in this cruel world. You are my only child." You whispered leaving your tears to reach your jaw. As you were speaking, your heands were caressing your son's back and your eyes were closed. Your were trying to calm down both of you. "Also, we won't be that far. You can see him whenever you want. He and I just won't be together." You didn't know whether it was your son the one you wanted to calm with these words, or yourself. "Never forget—"

You didn't get to finish because the door opened and closed loudly and the only thing you were able to do was to turn your back at the person who entered – Ubbe. But you failed to cover your wet face. He had seen.

"What had happened? Is the kid alright?" Ubbe asked and by the sound of his voice and the way he stormed inside the house, you could say that he was upset. You could guess the reason, but you couldn't get the reason he was upset. Your wishes were coming true. You wanted to divorce with him and he wanted to marry the blonde slave girl.

"Yes. He is just a little bit upset." You spoke swiftly and gazed at your son's big blue eyes. He was just looking at you now. You smiled at him and kissed him softly on the forehead. After that, you left him inside his cradle.

"What about you?" His voice came out softer than before and almost startled you. You didn't expect him to state anything about you, it wasn't like him to care about your feelings.

Your eyes met his for the first time after you found out about the girl's pregnancy and after overthinking your complicated feelings about him.

"I will be." You mouthed quickly and walked past him, or at lest you tried to, because the man you wanted to despise like no one and nothing before stopped you by force.

His hand wrapped around your arm violently and made you stop just inches in front of him. You frowned out of anger and looked first at his hand and then at his angry face.

"What is that? You are acting weird again." He pointed out and wanted to laugh out of your frustration.

You wanted to yell — yell like a madwoman — after the news you received and his audacity to want to be treated differently. You couldn't act like anything had happened. Neither you wanted to tell him about it. If he had the guts, he would tell you himself.

"I don't get what you mean. I'm just myself like usual and apparently you are acting like yourself." Your answer and the unphased tone were enraging him more. You notice by the way his grip on your arm was tightening. "Now let me go. I have to teat my son." You tried to escape from his grip, but Ubbe didn't let you. He pulled you even closer to him. You were both pissed at each other.

Well, you weren't just pissed at him. Deep down you were hurt. He had hurt you like always, but this time — unlike all the others — the pain was piercing through your guts. This pain was something you hadn't experienced before.

"I just can't understand you and I'm fucking trying!" Ubbe let go of you and started walking in the house with his hands running through his breaded long hair. "This morning we were alright and now you are back to your annoying self — to that hateful woman who despises everything." After he finished, Ubbe turned to face you. Your face hadn't change a bit after his words.

You could feel wrath in your veins, but something bitter was there too.

"That's what you believe of me, huh? Then wanna know what I believe of you?" That last part wasn't even a serious question. You were going to tell him anyway and you were going to be harsh. "You are just as hateful, but trying to pretend that you are someone else so that people like you. You expect them to love you when you treat your wife worse than the thralls. I should not talk about that matter — your way with the thralls. You wanted to belittle me so much that—"

You stopped yourself there. You couldn't continue. You were indeed becoming hateful. For a moment Ubbe was just staring you without speaking as his words were replaying themselves inside your mind.

You had become as heartless as your father was. You treated Ubbe so low, but he wasn't better.

"That what? Why did you stopped? Maybe you understood yourself that all these nonsense you are speaking are bullshit! I fucking treat you the way you treat to me! I have never wanted to belittle you!" Ubbe was yelling — it was one of the very few times that he was so mad.

But you weren't going to hold back your tongue. You were as mad as Ubbe — if not more. You had crossed the line some times, but he was worse. He cheated on you multiple times and even impregnated his mistress.

When you heard his words, you were the one who run her hands through her hair this time. Instead of yell immediately, at first you formed an ironic smile on your face and the next thing you did was to yell.

"You belittle me every fucking night of those you are back in Norway! You are cheating on me with that slave and you even got her pregnant this time. You humiliated me! Everyone in the market was gossiping about your exploits! All Kattegat knows! If not all Norway!" You were yelling without even thinking of what you were saying. You hadn't even understood that tears were streaming from your eyes all the time you were talking. "But that shouldn't mind me! After all, that's the best reason to divorce you. No one can stop me after this. And, of course, they can't prevent you from marrying her! Go ahead take her, but I inform you; this is the last time you are looking at me and my son." At the end, all you could do was whisper at him. It was pointless.

Your little boy didn't even cry this time, like he could sense that even him couldn't stop you from saying all these. He was just playing with some of the toys inside his cradle.

Ubbe's expression changed after all the poison you let your mouth spit.

"I've never intended to humiliate you or belittle you." His voice this time was softer than you were used to. You had never really talked in calm tones. "When we married we didn't love each other — we married for that alliance. At that moment, I loved Margrethe and I was planning to marry her, yes and yes, I had slept with her, but that stopped when Ragnar was born. Well, to be precise, I had stopped some time before I learned that you were with child."

All this time you had your back turned at him and were trying to stop the tears that were falling mercilessly from your eyes. But when you heard his last words, you wiped away some fresh tears and faced him. Ubbe was calm — it was a rare moment — a beautiful moment.

"I was trying to give in to the feelings I felt for you. The way I had you in my mind when I was at the battlefield. Don't ask me how those feelings were formed — I have no idea. I was thinking of you, knowing that you were praying for me not to return. Those feelings couldn't be replaced by any fight we had. At the end of the day, all that stayed in my mind was one of your rare smiles and the way you care for our son."

Those words were even harder to process them than the news about the child of the slave girl. You couldn't even think that Ubbe would ever form that kind of feelings for you.

His confession made the rock walls of your heart to fall one by one.

"I have never prayed for you to die on the battlefield. I did quite the opposite in fact and it felt strange in my heart. I hated — I told my self to hate you — I was telling myself all the things I hated in you so I could hate you. I felt strange for you — my heart was beating in a strange way as much as I tried to avoid it, it exists, still." You spoke truly without daring to look in his eyes. "But it doesn't matter anymore. Our marriage will end. Those rumours is humiliating enough for me to leave you. If I have enough dignity, I should leave you."

Ubbe tried to reach for you, but you stopped him with a motion of your hand. If things were different, you would stay and try to make this marriage work, but you had no other choice but to leave him.

Taglist: @bruher, @utterlyhopeful-fics, @hypocritic-trash-baby

#vikings ubbe #ubbe imagine #ubbe ragnarsson #ubbe lothbrok #ubbe #ubbe x reader #vikings au #vikings x reader #vikings imagine #vikings fic

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thedepthsoffandomminds · 2 months

Text

The guest PT 10

Masterlist

Jack Dawkins x fem reader.

The Navigator had been wrapped and placed in a bed on Jack's ward, Belle had fallen asleep, sat in the viewing gallery. You looked up at her, then to Jack who was sliding down to sit against the wall. His deep brown eyes met yours.

"I can tell things are different, the way you looked at her then. That's not how it happened is it?" He says.

"No, not exactly." You walk over to him and sit beside him on the floor.

"At Government House, I heard your sister say that this was your eighth attack. What did she mean by that?" He asked, eyeing you curiously.

"Oh nothing, you know I'm new to all of this, the clothes the air..." you try to laugh it off.

"No, please don't lie to me. I heard Sneed talking to the Professor, he said he had to check you again recently."

You bite down on your bottom lip as he talks.

"Jack I... I'm not well but please you just need to do as I say. I need you to try and love Belle.."

His hand comes up to your face.

"I don't want to. I want to be with you, to look after you."

"Jack."

"Stop lying to me. You're just saying this because you're with Sneed."

"I'm not. Jack he asked me to marry him and I said no. As nice as he can be he isn't a person I would marry." You try to convince him. "He has since set his cap at either of the Fox girls."

"Then why? Why won't you let me kiss you?" He asks and a tear falls from your eye. You take his hand from.your face and turn yourself so your head is resting on his shoulder.

"What the Navigator said, about the sea, did that sound true for you?" You ask. Jack testis his hand so your fingers interlock.

"It was the greatest day of my life when I got promoted to sublieutenant. They gave me my own bed. I'd never had my own bed before. And my own room."

"Must be wonderful to be at sea. Travel the world."

"It was. It was the best and the worst of times. I saw all kinds of things I didn't even think were possible. Wild animals and festivals. In Hong Kong, I saw this giant paper dragon with fifty people under it and as they moved, this dragon appeared to dance and breathe fire. It was quite amazing."

*_*_*_*

"Where the devil is Dawkins?" Sneed bellowed when he saw the navigator lying in the bed. He stomps through the halls to the operating room, where he sees you still sat on the floor, curled around Jack.

"I can scarce believe my eyes." He gawps.

"Sneed?" Belle asks from her place in the gallery. All three of you waking at his voice. You remove yourself from Jack.

"I insist you both return to Government House immediately and we will discuss this later."Sneed growls at you both.

" Or possibly not." Belle quips as you leave. You hear the two men beginning to argue as Belle pulls you away.

"I have always known you to be a reprehensible, arrogant upstart, with no respect for your betters." Sneed growls

"I have enormous respect for my betters. It is just there are none around here." Jack bit back

"You have directly performed an operation I had forbidden you to do. That I specifically said was not a safe operation in the patient's interest."

"And I agree with your diagnosis. A surgeon of your skill level, Sneed, it would have been impossible." Jack quipped angrily .

"I am to be Head Surgeon here in two months."

"Only if you can force one of the Fox's daughters into marriage right? Or y/n?" Jack squares up to the other man.

"I see that is truly what this is about. You will never be good enough for any of them."

"And you think you are? Money you never worked for is not a personality trait, you pompous, overgrown toff. Y/n will never love you."

"When I am head surgeon you will no longer have a role here and I will ensure you have it nowhere else in the country. You can crawl back to your own kind, Dawkins and I will have my pick of the three women."

Jack's fist collided with Sneed's nose before Jack fully knew what he was doing. A trail of blood dripped down Sneed's top lip. He pulled a glove from his pocket and slapped Jack across the face with it.

"Is that how you fight in Mayfair?"

*_*_*_*

Sitting in the carriage around half way back to Belle's house your memory of the show flooded back to you.

"Oh god no. Belle stop the carriage, I have to go back!"

"Y/n what, what is it? What's happened?" Belles asks fearfully.

"Just please stop," you banged on the top of the carriage and hear the driver pulling at the horse's. "Belle go home. You need to.implore your father not to allow any duels." You say to her jumping out of the carriage and running back to the hospital.

You as fast as you can until your chest starts to tighten. Your foot catches on rock and you fall to the ground. Your head smacking down, everything going dark.

@fandomfan-102 @deanstolemydragon @mydeputyghostwagon

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shelaghdette · 2 months

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theory: trixie franklin is a lesbian

alright, this one may prove slightly controversial, but please bear with me! i've always taken the view that trixie is bi, but thinking about it more, i've come to a different conclusion.

glossary -

wlw - woman loving women, a blanket term for any woman who is attracted to women.

sapphic - another blanket term for femmes who are attracted to femmes, arguably more inclusive than wlw - here used interchangeably with the above.

lesbian - a woman or femme who is exclusively attracted to other women or femmes.

bisexual - a person who is attracted to two or more genders.

a note on compulsory heterosexuality -

before you read this, if you don't already, it's probably best to understand the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet.

this is when societies (like most in the world, even in the modern day) enforce the normalisation of heterosexual love and relationships, to the point that lgbt people feel pushed towards straight-passing relationships when they may be happier in a queer relationship.

comphet applies to all genders and queer sexualities, but today i'm going to be discussing it specifically in the context that it impacts lesbian women.

relationships with women -

full disclosure - i am a trixadette shipper (i think i might've even invented the ship). i have analysed quite a number of scenes from the first two seasons where trixie and sister bernadette interact, and there doesn't appear to be much in the way of heterosexual explanation for their behaviour towards each other. that in itself deserves its own post, and will get one in due course.

my theory that trixie is attracted to women mostly stems from her interactions with sister bernadette, and later shelagh. there are a few longing looks, some flirtatious body language and just a general air of gals who are a bit more than pals.

however, aside from this, trixie never appears happier than when she interacts with other women. she seems to gain the most fulfilment from her relationships with her female friends, far more than she does with the men in her life. barbara and valerie are prime examples of this.

prior to realisation of being sapphic, it's very common for wlw to experience intense attachment and deep love for female friends. this can truly be just platonic, or it can be a crush that is so repressed that it presents as overwhelming platonic love.

"attraction" to men -

ever since the first season, trixie has been presented as the "boy crazy" girl. she often talks about men, but if you actually watch her behaviour, she rarely pursues any particular man. additionally, closeted queer people may often overcompensate for their insecure identities by putting forward a highly straight image.

it's extremely common for lesbians who are experiencing comphet to fantasise about an abstract concept of a relationship with a man, but not have much idea of WHO that man might be. in the early seasons, when she DOES pursue a man, it is with an ulterior motive (getting that actor to be a judge for the baby show) and it ends disastrously for her.

when she does eventually get into relationships with men, it is because they pursue her. it happened with all three of her relationships we've seen on the show - tom, christopher and matthew. i do not personally think trixie showed any interest in them prior to them showing interest in her, but YMMV.

image consciousness

it's very telling that, during her AA meetings, trixie speaks at length about her ability to put on a show to please others around her. obviously, she talks about this in the context of placating her mentally ill and alcoholic father, but this skill from childhood has been highly transferable to her adult life too.

trixie is extremely good at putting on a front and looking well put together, even during her worst moments. when she was relapsing, she hid it well until her secret was unwittingly revealed to phyllis by a patient. the girl can lie and lie, but it's all a defense mechanism.

trixie clearly struggles with a view that she must be seen as perfect at all times. it's easy to see how, if she was a lesbian, this would not fit into the image she tries to display to others. i believe that part of her striving for perfection includes wanting a relationship with a man. this leads me into my next point.

cultural context

it probably goes without saying, but the 1960s was not an easy time to be a sapphic woman, especially if you weren't attracted to men. we just need to look at the story of patsy and delia to see how the show acknowledges this. comphet is still a problem we face today, in the year of our lord 2024, but it was absolutely rampant in those days. female lgbt behaviour was never criminalised like male homosexual acts, but it was harshly viewed. wlw faced a lot of the same challenges as mlm, as well as their own unique struggles when homophobia is coupled with misogyny.

marriage to a man and child-bearing were still considered the most important things a woman could do in that era. and by the time trixie gets into a relationship with matthew, she is approaching her mid-30s. in that time, trixie would have already been considered "on the shelf." the show really implies this by her becoming a lot more focused on her search for a husband in later series, like when she joins the marriage bureau.

relationships with men

i won't say much about tom, but trixie makes no bones about it when she told him he and barbara are much better suited. there's a real notion that trixie feels out of place in her relationship with tom, and ultimately she breaks it off when she realises she couldn't be happy with him in the long term.

this continues into her relationship with christopher. i really like christopher, and i think trixie does too. by far, he is the person who treats her the nicest out of the three men she has had major relationships with. however, even then, she doesn't seem entirely comfortable, and breaks it off when she fears how intimate the relationship has become. i think the situation with alexandra is mostly an excuse for her fear of commitment to a man.

i also want to talk about sex (minors, cover your ears) when i mention christopher. he's the first man she is ever implied to have slept with, and she agonised over it for a very long time before she makes the decision to do it. some people read this as her being asexual (which she still could be, even as a lesbian!), or just "proper" for the era, but opinions vary. i view it as her having no sexual attraction to MEN.

finally, matthew. oh, matthew. he makes me so very angry.

matthew and trixie essentially traumabonded over the death of his first wife, and she is a good supportive presence to him raising his son in her capacity as a midwife. i think the convenience of him showing interest in her, coupled with her recent anxiety about find a partner, created the situation where they eventually married.

and she still isn't happy. when the new pupil midwives arrive and trixie hears them having fun with nancy, she looks really sad and lost, and my heart just breaks for her. it's a sign that she regrets leaving the lifestyle she loves for a life of domestic "bliss".

when they had their argument about trixie's work, it's very telling that her immediate response was to retreat back to her safe place of nonnatus house for half the week. trixie feels the most secure when she is among women, this is shown time and time again.

this was super long winded and possibly a ramble, but these are my thoughts on her. if you made it to the end, here's my favourite happy video edit of trixie and shelagh. i'll probably make a whole post about why i ship them next.

#call the midwife #trixie franklin #trixadette #my theories #roo speaks absolute shite

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hero-israel · 6 months

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I know this is really hard for all of us to talk about, especially because of all the ways this discourse can be weaponized by the worst possible people, but....I am really, really disturbed by the hideously antisemitic consensus I see coalescing in Western non-white activist spaces. I'm a halfie and the non-Jewish half is non-white, so I suspect I feel a bit more okay saying this -- and I get why so many others in our community don't want to get into this. It's so fraught. But like....there's always been antisemitism in some of these spaces, we know that. But I feel like what I'm seeing right now is on a new level, especially among younger people. And with antisemitism ALSO rising on the right among younger white people.....where are we going to be in fifty years? What can we do to push back against this? I'm very involved in feminist organizing, and I'm hearing full-on blood libel from women I've known for years, many of whom are of my non-Jewish background. And I'm totally failing to get through to most of them. There's no understanding of how antisemitism functions, because it's so different -- but when I say that, it's now dismissed as, basically, colonialist white people complaining about "reverse racism." We're being lumped in with the Charlottesville kids, who also want us dead. I have no idea what to do. I'm really feeling how few Jews there are in the world -- how do we overturn this tide when the only people who really give a shit are us, and there are so few of us? They repeat things enough times, and it doesn't matter if they're wrong. They make reality, essentially. It just feel impossible.

I wish there was something specific I could offer, but I don't have the background here and would wind up just speaking over people who have faced different challenges. It feels horrible to have longtime purported allies go silent; what you are describing, where they become positively hateful and dangerous and one feels split in half, seems even worse.

I have often seen questions similar to yours on the Jewish areas of Reddit (r/Jewish and r/Judaism), and every time it comes up it has been handled with loving welcome and great detail. If you haven't already asked the community there, you should. If you are a student, perhaps your local Hillel can be of help. I also suspect some of my readers could be of more help on this than me, and hope they will chime in as well.

There have always been few of us, few enough that it often does not matter if widespread beliefs against us are merely factually false. But please don't despair. This is the worst moment for the Jewish people during any of our lifetimes, but our lifetimes have been unimaginably more fortunate than those of basically all past Jews for millennia, more than any you've ever read about and studied. We are still safer, stronger, with more allies, than most of them ever were - and they lasted long enough to make us!

#judaism #jumblr

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our-transmasculine-experience · 4 months

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Sorry this is a bit of rant, but I hate toxic masculinity and gender norms so so so much because now I'm subscribing to them, and I cannot stop myself. Sometimes I want to wear a dress, but if I do, or even so much as think about it, my body shudders or I want to vomit. Because the idea of being seen as feminine even in the slightest way physically hurts me, and its all because of the way I was raised. I'm in an extremely conservative household, and there is so much toxic masculinity. My brother has fucking curls for gods sake, he is a cis man and my dad makes remarks about how its gay (otherwise sayings its feminine) to take care of his curls!

Now me being a closeted trans guy, every time I hear my dad talking to my brothers, or talking to other men when women are around there is such a stark line between the two groups. My dad and his friends and my brothers are MANLY MEN AND WOMAN CANNOT BE IN THE MEN GROUP while the women around me kind of drag me into the stereotypical womanly position and giggle and joke around and there's so much internalised misogyny. I had my mother the other day berate me for not shaving my own damn legs, her big point was that it was 'unhygienic' even though my dad is covered in hair. Then the real point came out, apparently not shaving my legs makes me look like a lesbian!

It sucks man, it just sucks. I love my brother though because even though he also as equally as transphobic as them, he doesn't subscribe to their weird toxic masculinity and honestly he's the closest I'll ever come to being out of the closest.

I used to think my sister might be in the closest but as we get older and she conforms more and more to my parents ideologies I realise I was just fooling myself. And I hate being like this, because my family are good people in general and their not unkind to me, or treat me poorly, they treat me really well, I'm really well off and I'm grateful to them. But if I ever came out, I would be cut from this family so quick it would make my head spin.

Being around all these stereotypes just feeds my insecurities because sometimes when I listen to the things the men around me say I know its so misogynistic and I know I should strive to be better than that, but I can't help but really want to fit in with them because all I want to be seen is as a boy. But I never will be. I really really fucking hate it (excuse the language) when the women in my family try to pull me into their side. I hate that my older brothers just see me as my dad's daughter from his second marriage, I love them so much and I just want to be friends with them but I'll never get that, my younger brother will though BECAUSE HE'S A CIS MAN!

Its selfish, I'm really selfish for thinking like this, because I live really really well, I have parents who love me even its not for who I actually am, and we have money. Seeing how bad others are living compared to me and then complaining about my household is selfish I know. I just wish these stereotypes would go away, I wish I wasn't trans, I wish I was a normal girl, but I'm not, I'm a boy, I'll never be a girl and it's the worst thing in the world. It doesn't help either that I'm bisexual and got outed by my so-called best friend and had to pretend it was just a phase that I grew out of. I want to scream, but I can't, and I won't. Because if I ever want to succeed in this world, I need my family's support.

I hate this, because I do love my father and my mother and my brothers. I just know they only love the girl they see. That's what I hate. My mother keeps telling me to dress like a girl, to be a normal girl, and honestly her acknowledging that I am not like your average female is the closest I'll ever get with her acknowledging that I'm trans. But I still love them, I love them so much, please don't think that they are bad people because they really aren't. I just cannot fucking stand how they continue to think that trans people aren't really trans or that being trans is 'demonic' its screwing with my head. I know they would never utter a bad word against a gay or trans person they met in real life but god the things they say when the curtains close.

Not to mention that all the stereotypes have ruined having children for me. I want children, I want to get married, but I can't! I can't get married! I can't have children because all I can think about is how that is the 'WOMAN'S POSITION' EVEN THOUGH ITS NOT! But if I ever have kids or get married, I will be shoved right into the 'I told you so' 'You're a woman!' I will be put in the feminine box, and I hate it! I will just be another woman who got married to a guy that pretends to be nice in public but is not so nice at best and full on abusive at worst behind the scenes which seems to be the constant with every woman I know. God forbid I ever married a woman!

Sorry that this was long, I really needed to rant. I'm honestly so grateful that the internet exists because I can't be out in real life, but I can be out online, even if no one actually knows who I am. Thank you for listening have a great day! I love your page so much it brings me so much comfort and joy!

i would get tf out of that environment as soon as you can. never apologize for feeling unhappy with that situation because most people would be, too. that sounds horrible, and i’m really really sorry that you have to go through that.

best of luck, brother.

#transgender #lgbt #transmasc #lgbtq #queer #trans #ftm #trans guy #trans boy #trans man

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comradekatara · 1 year

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can you please tell us about dr professor sokka phd x 7

this ask inspired me to make a sokkademia tag. peruse at your leisure

sokka brings a certain philosophy professor energy to the physics department and a certain physics professor energy to the engineering department thats got all the students complaining to the dean bc he refuses to grade on a curve.

his standards are extremely high, but the worst part is he’s convinced his standards are like. the bare minimum and everyone’s just too STUPID to meet them.

he’s so divisive as a professor that students get in physical altercations upon debating his reputation. he has clear favorites and speaks to them specifically. the rest he dismisses as stupid and doesn't even bother trying to remember their names. but he respects the students who actually put in the work and they LOVE him and will go to bat for him like their life depended on it, even when faced with a (not uncommon) student who’s like “he told me to drop out,” they’re just like “and? sounds like you should’ve taken his advice.”

when katara learns how sokka treats his students she yells at him for hours. sokka’s just like “sorry but I can’t coddle and befriend my students like you do katara. we’re doing actual work instead of just playing with water” and she nearly kills him.

the university really wants sokka to give huge, accessible lectures that are open to anyone, since it’s great for business for obvious reasons. at first, sokka is just happy that he’s considered worthy of such a position, but he quickly realizes that he hates this setup. and since he basically has unlimited freedom since he’s in no danger of being fired, he’s instead allowed to construct very exclusive seminars in which he personally vets everyone who applies based on vibes.

after sokka starts playing favorites even more explicitly than he already had been, some students protest that sokka is “gatekeeping academia” and “being an intellectual elitist.” sokka’s just like “well that’s rich coming from people born in the upper ring of ba sing se. I invite students from all over the world to my seminars, including women btw.” that shuts them up real quick. (they also start admitting women.)

since sokka’s position as BSSU is basically kuei’s bribe to keep sokka as his advisor despite the fact that sokka cannot stand him, the university has no choice but to let him teach whatever he wants however he wants, since firing him would basically be treason against the earth king. sokka takes advantage of this privilege to the fullest. (and let’s be real. he’s earned it.)

he mainly teaches courses in the physics and engineering departments, but in his classes he discusses everything from art history to epic poetry to ontology. he barely even has a curriculum planned, he basically just talks about whatever he and his students feel like discussing. it’s nice to have a part of his life where he doesn’t need to adhere to a strict schedule. he knows it’s a privilege to not have a syllabus or a defined curriculum in academia, and he makes the most of it. his students know how lucky they are to work with him.

when he admits students into his class, he doesn’t actually care about prerequisites or what field they’re studying. in fact, despite officially teaching physics and engineering, he doesn’t like that most of them walk around with unearned superiority complexes, and is more likely to admit students who actually read and engage with art for pleasure. being "bad at math" is a way less egregious crime than not being curious and open-minded, in his opinion.

sokka doesn’t like giving tests, essays, or psets, since he thinks busywork is a waste of time, and he doesn’t wanna have to grade all that (for the first year, when he was giving lectures, it wasn’t an issue, since he had ta’s, but now that he exclusively does seminars, he has to grade everything himself, which is a fucking pain. he doesn’t have time for that!) so instead he just gives them one big research project with the open-ended prompt of “teach me something new.” nothing is off-limits. the weirder the better.

his students know that he is prone to go on tangents that can take up the entire class time, and it’s really easy to get him going. they’ll spend whole periods listening to him tell them about that time he got stuck in a hole while hunting and thought he was going to die, or debating the merits of airships vs sky bison as transportation.

ba sing se is a very insular city, and in it sokka has a reputation as an elitist, angry curmudgeon who keeps to himself aside from his inexplicable friendships with an elderly tea shop owner and that gloomy girl who sighs a lot. in the southern water tribe, on the other hand, sokka is seen as a goofy extrovert who knows everyone by name and is always looking to help out in any way he can (to the point where his compulsive need to help people is actually a little concerning). everywhere else, sokka’s reputation is generally somewhere in the middle, but these are the two poles. which means that whenever someone from his tribe meets one of his students, they experience this disconnect where they’re both just like “are you sure we both know sokka?? the sokka you’re describing is the same sokka as the one i know??? for real???”

sokka eventually gets sick of spending so much time in ba sing se. he suggests to katara that they should build a university in the south pole so that he can work there. katara’s like “guess what we actually do have a school in the south pole and i happen to teach there, only we don’t study book-learning for eggheads.” sokka reminds katara that the only academic universities in the water tribe are in the north (where they don’t admit women) and immediately katara decides to build a university in the south, and also it was her idea btw.

sokka does a lot of research in bending theory, and he occasionally uses katara’s students to help him with his experiments in hydrodynamics. katara doesn’t like that sokka thinks he can just steal her students like that, so she decides to turn the tables on him, see how he likes it. she finds his least boring looking student to ask out, and they get through a couple dates until katara finds his condescension too unbearable to continue. by the third time he’s told her that the only reason she doesn’t like math is because she doesn’t understand it, katara blurts out “my cat is sick i should go home and check on her bye” and leaves to punch the snow until she feels better. and they didn’t even hook up. what a waste.

toph, on the other hand, hooks up with many of sokka’s students. this is because toph likes women, which comprise a far less insufferable demographic.

no one in the gaang has read sokka’s books. zuko tried, he really did, but it gave him a really bad migraine. no one else even bothered the attempt. azula, mai, and ty lee on the other hand are all like, “you haven’t read it? sokka merely presents a theory of the particle composition of the spirit world via the notion of it as a fifth dimension interposed over space and time. it’s actually quite elementary stuff… that is, if you comprehend the foundations…”

wan shi tong has a few of sokka’s books in his library. the kitsune snuck them in there without his knowledge.

sokka coauthors a lot of his papers with yue, but since they’ve long since agreed that anyone but a select few being aware of their rendezvous in the spirit world is probably not a good idea, yue is happy with being anonymized. after all, the other spirits knowing that she divulged the secrets of their plane to such an insolent mortal would probably ruin her street cred.

sokka doesn’t really get along with the other professors. sure, they’re nice enough for the most part, and he admires their dedication to their fields, but the problem is that for all their knowledge in one extremely specific area of study, they have no actual practical knowledge or any understanding of the real world whatsoever. sometimes sokka will agree to go out with them for drinks, and even though they’re all older than him, he feels like he’s babysitting.

suki doesn’t spend much time in ba sing se, since they both agree that it’s preferable to hang out on kyoshi island or in the southern water tribe, or even the fire nation. but sometimes she’ll come if the earth king is throwing a party or if iroh has invited them for tea (at which point their reunion is extremely dramatic, as always, even if they saw each other just last week). one day the dean pulls sokka aside and is like “just because you’re a special case doesn’t mean you can date students” and sokka’s like “what??? why would i date a student???” and the dean says “well someone informed me that you were kissing a young woman on campus yesterday” and sokka’s like “suki??? you mean my girlfriend suki??? she doesn’t even live in ba sing se.” and the dean is like “nevertheless. you shouldn’t do that. i hear it’s making people jealous.”

#beangods #asks #postwargaang #sokkademia #sokka #katara #katara&sokka #kuei&sokka #sokkaxsuki #sokkaxyue #ugh now i wanna make a similar post but for katara as a teacher #and toph #i guess we already know what suki is like as a teacher lol #i love professors who alienate most of their class the entire semester and make u feel stupid and then u check ur transcript and u got an A #best kind of class. thats sokka

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feminine-obedient-alexandra · 11 months

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Thank you, men

i hear so much about toxic masculinity and how bad the patriarchy is and how Men are "keeping women down" and it makes me sick. i love Men. i love masculinity. And i never want you to be afraid of who you are or doubt your own strength. Men are awesome and this is my love letter to you all. Today's society wouldn't even exist without you. So thank you so much for my mobile phone that lets me stay connected with all my friends. Thank you so much for the internet that makes it possible for me to express these feelings right now. Thank you so much for cars and public transport so i don't have to walk everywhere. Thank you so much for the houses you built so that i can live in them. Because all those things wouldn't exist without Men, without our patriarchal society. Men did this. You did this. You built the cornerstones of our world. Men build the houses and girls make them homes. We work well together like that. So thank you for giving us the opportunity to support you like that. Thank you for all the sacrifices you had to make, thank you for all the hardships you endure. Real men are protectors too. So thank you for keeping us safe. Thank you for upholding the law and thank you for risking your life to fight fires and rescue people from dangerous situations. The world would be a very different place without masculinity and all the greatness you brought with you. So i am terribly sorry for all that "toxic masculinity" talk. i am sorry for all the feminism that made your life miserable. And i am so sorry for the "blame game" against Men that happens everywhere. i don't want you to be ashamed of your masculinity, of being a man, of not conforming to society views on what a man should do. i want you to be happy in your bodies. i am sorry there are hardly any good role models on being a Man. i am sorry that there is a lot of body shaming but never any support about male bodies. i am sorry how society shuns you when you are having emotional problems and i am sorry how your motives come into questions so often. i am sorry for how stupid we girls act sometimes and i am sorry we can be such an annoyance to you. So i wanna say here, you Men are appreciated. Maybe not by everyone, but by us good girls. By the girls who are not afraid of their femininity. Not only did you built this world we are living in, dear Men, you are our world. We love that we can rely on you, that you are holding strong even against the worst storms. You are our safe haven, our strength. Thank you for being there. Thank you for giving us all these opportunities to make life great. Thank you for providing for us and making us feel special. Thank you for tackling even the most complicated problems and thank you for never running out of solutions. Thank you for your courage to never falter and withstand the hardest of circumstances. Thank you for being Men. In return, we promise to always love you, honor you, and obey you. To support you in your endeavors and to always have your back. When you come home from a hard days work we will be there giving you the strength to continue. We will take your constructive energy and turn it into beautiful creativity. We will appreciate the things you create and we promise to add beauty to them. We will be there for you when life gets tough and you can be sure to always have a home with us. i am sorry for the many Men who struggle to find their way in this world because they are no support systems for you. i am sorry for the many Men who struggle with their masculinity because everyone tells them it is toxic behavior. i want you to know that it is not. Be yourself, be who you want to be, and go your way with a head held high. i am sorry for all the setbacks and failures you will encounter but please remember it is not about how often you fail, it is how you deal with it, how you learn from it, and how you push yourself up. i want you to know that it is Ok to struggle sometimes. Just be you. Because you are awesome. So, dear Men, thank you for everything. i know society can be mean and treat you bad at times, but i want you to know that there are good girls out there that love who you are, that bask in your masculine strength, and that think the world of you. Thank you for being Men.

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river13245 · 4 months

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Witchcraft and adoration

Navigation / SPN Masterlist

Rowena x Male Reader

"we are going to have to call her Dean" Sam says as he's looking through all the books they currently had to try to help their current situation in any way they could.

Dean glares at him from across the table in the main room and shakes his head. "No absolutely not"

Sam just shakes his head at his brothers stubbornness and goes back to reading the book he was currently on. But even after hours of doing research his own eyes had started to hurt so he decided to take a break. "I'm not getting anything. There's nothing we might have to Dean. I know we don't trust her but its not the worst idea we have ever done"

The oldest brother sighs and stands up grabbing himself a drink. "Damnit. You know she's just going to come here and cause trouble right? Remember what happened last time she was around us?"

Both the brothers recall exactly what had happened last time Rowena was around the four of you. Rowena had been giving you looks from across the room and eventually that turned into you coming over and flirting with her. Having no shame in your game what so ever.

You were one of their best friends growing up as you were also raised in the hunting business. This resulted in you guys being around each other a lot but also away so as the years went on Dean had taught you how to flirt and pick of women or men. While you and Sam had flirted a lot throughout the years he fell in love with Jess and nothing ever happened between the two of you which the both of you were fine with you two were close friends.

However they both had grown protective over you and so seeing you flirting with the enemy was a BIG no for them. "Okay so maybe we just keep them two separate from each other" Dean says and Sam nods.

Its to late though because you had heard the last sentence as you walked downstairs. You were about to pick up some groceries when you overheard them talking. "Who are you keeping separate from each other?"

Dean takes a drink out of his glass leaving it up to his brother to take over. "We are having a few people come by to help us with this case since none of us have been able to figure anything to solve it and two of them don't like each other"

Now did you believe what Sam was saying. No. His voice was coming off very matter of fact and when he is speaking truth he doesn't have to seem so convincing. However you choose to ignore it and just nod. "Okay well you two have fun with these friends of yours. I'm going to the store anything you guys want while I'm there?"

You grab a jacket of yours and put it on since its been cold recently with the Christmas weather around the corner. Before you walk out the door you hear the both of them yell out what they want. "Pie, Fruits and vegetables"

"okay if I'm not back after an hour I'm dead" They both glare at you when you say that causing you to laugh and walk out.

As soon as they hear your car start and pull out the drive way is when Sam pulls out his phone. "I cant believe we are actually asking her for help" Dean grumbles like a child and Sam rolls his eyes as he presses the contact and it rings.

"hello boys" Rowena's voice comes through the speaker. "screw something up already?" She teased but was completely serious. Which resulted in Dean speaking "No we haven't. But Sam here thinks we need your help"

Dean not having much manners doesn't hide the fact he is unhappy with this arrangement. So Sam speaks "Rowena we need your help. Will you help us we cant find anything in the books or we wouldn't have called"

There is silence through the other end for a moment before she speaks. "well I hate to be one of these people but what's in it for me?"

The brothers look at each other for a moment "world peace should be good enough of a reward"

She laughs "oh please where is the fun in that. I guess we will just have to figure something out then hm." There's a pause for a moment "is the pretty boy there?"

They can hear the smile forming on her face and they sigh as Sam speaks "He went out. You might miss him if you don't come over now"

A beep is the only thing they here in response. They think she had chosen not to but when footsteps are heard across the wood floor they see her. Her red hair curled and falling down her shoulders nicely. She had also put on a nice outfit and they knew exactly who she was trying to impress.

Dean walks up to her glaring at her. "listen if you even think about flirting with him or even Looking at him with those eyes of yours ill kill you"

She smirks and places her hand on his shoulder. "oh Dean I'm not intimidated by you. I'm here to help you show me what you need me to do"

Sam brings her to all the things they had been researching and she nods and they get ingredients all out before she begins to slowly use her witchcraft. Making sure to do this correctly.

About an hour goes by and she's still there and you walk in through the door. "okay boys I've got everything for Sam's healthy smoothies cause he's a freak and Deans pie"

You look up and see the both of them looking at you "what?"

"Well took you long enough. I was beginning to think I would have to stall for even longer" You turn your head to look at Rowena and a small smile forms on your lips. "hello gorgeous sorry for keeping you waiting"

Sam grabs the bags from you and puts things away but not before telling the both of you to stop flirting. "well Sam if you and Dean don't want to watch us flirt I suggest you both remove yourselves from the room"

This causes the both of them to roll their eyes and they both leave and go to the kitchen. They knew that you liked her but you also wouldn't let her screw anything up for them. So as soon as they left the room you walk behind Rowena and look at what she's doing. "what are you doing with all these ingredients?"

She rests against you a little as if her body couldn't help but gravitate towards yours. "well watch and ill teach you a little something" A smile forms on your face as you place your chin on her shoulder lightly. "yes ma'am you have my full attention"

You could have sworn you seen her cheeks turn red but she chose to not draw attention to it. She began to show you slowly how to do simple things. She left out some of the steps because she didn't need you to know everything. If you wanted to learn how to do witchcraft she would teach you simple things first.

As she explained some of the steps to you. You listened to her words and after a while you were wondering why the boys weren't in here yet but you had a good idea of who is stopping them from being able to and she's right here with you.

Even when you knew she was trying to focus on the task at hand you couldn't help but want to get a reaction from her so you began to kiss her shoulder and to her neck and as you did you felt her relax and try to continue to work.

However when you got to her collarbone she leaned back and brought her hand to turn your face to look at her. "As much as this is amazing. I've got to finish this and what if Sam and Dean see you kissing me like this?"

Your response was shrugging your shoulders. "well they wouldn't be able to say anything. If i want you im gonna be with you" This results in her placing a quick kiss to your lips. Then you speak again "plus Sam was into a demon at one point in time and we are all pretty sure Dean had a thing for a vampire named Benny and now hes with an angel so"

She laughs and nods "okay well then you still need to back up so i can focus on this and not you" You nod and back away and go to the kitchen and let the both of them out.

When the three of you walk back to the room Rowena is finished with her work and walks over and hands it to Dean. "here now I believe you said there was something in it for me"

"what do you want and don't say what I think you are" He tries to sound stern but when she looks at you he sighs and Sam crosses his arms. "it might be a little to late for your opinions boys"

They give her a questioning look as she walks over to you and pulls you into a kiss and your hands go to her waist leaning into it and before you could stop her she magically takes her back to her home and then un connects your lips

The night is filled with her teaching you a little about witchcraft then movies and dinner. You knew she would let you leave at any time but tonight it was the last thing you wanted to do.

----

The boys back at the bunker both look at each other and try to grab onto you so you didn't go with her but they were to late. They weren't really worried about her keeping you hostage because even if they hated the fact...they knew she really did like you.

"oh come on!" Dean yells and Sam just laughs a little

"well they never were one to listen to well" Sam says

#river13245 #fluff #new blog #supernatural #rowena macleod #rowena macleod x male reader #rowena macleod x reader #sam winchester #dean winchester #dean winchester x male reader #sam winchester x male reader #supernatural fanfiction

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charturnus · 2 years

Text

I'm It's a complex

Ship: Wanda Maximoff x Female Reader

a/n: ...... So, surprise, I'm not dead! What can I say? Mercury was in retrograde? In all seriousness, I am very sorry for the ungodly amount of time between chapters, I hope this goliath makes up for it somewhat. Thank you to everyone who has been kind, your messages mean so much to me. Please let me know if you enjoy this!

Dedication: For Magda, who is the brightest light in my life. I know without a doubt that I will never be unloved by you, and that knowledge is balm for an aching soul.

Tags/warnings: 18+ minors DNI; top!wanda; bottom!reader; vaginal sex; praise; dominance; dirty talk; sex toys; degradation; unconventional therapy tactics

Word count: 15K

Summary: Chapter IX; Did you get enough of love, my little dove? AU

The one where Agatha is a show-off, you let something slip, and you make a friend.

Previous chapter ➵➵

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‘’I told you so!’’ Is the first thing Pepper says, as she steps over the threshold with a bouquet of flowers in one hand, and a stack of papers in the other, a black tote bag slung over one shoulder. Kate follows right behind her, offering us her genuine congratulations. Neither of them know yet, of course. Wanda and I have been sitting tight on the secret of our budding relationship, so they’re just happy our staged kiss worked so well.

Wanda has made it her mission to throw a dinner party for her friends, so she can announce our relationship in style. But it turns out that it’s quite difficult to gather a group of women who all have insanely busy jobs. Pepper works crazy hours, Agatha sometimes works miles away, and I know from experience that Maria, who has taken over my old job, has her plate completely full. But, Wanda has managed to find a date and time that works for everyone, so as Pepper and Kate file in (20 minutes early), we all keep an eye on the clock, waiting for the others to arrive.

‘’Have you seen the pictures yet?’’ Kate asks me as we stand at the kitchen counter, pulling out empty plates, bowls and sets of cutlery to lay the table with. I shrug, ‘’Wanda doesn’t take papers or magazines, and she told me not to bother looking for it online. I think she’s got some weird experience with the press or something.’’ Kate gives me a wide-eyed look of understanding. ‘’They’re ruthless, they print really nasty things sometimes, she’s probably just trying to protect you.’’ I nod, unconcerned, ‘’yeah, probably.’’ I know tabloids have a way of painting people in the worst light possible, but Wanda isn’t that famous. It’s not like she’s an A-list celebrity, so I’m quite sure nobody is going to bother with me.

We each take a stack of plates, and a handful of cutlery to carry into the dining room and when I push through the door with my shoulder, I see that Agatha has joined the group. I didn’t hear the front door open, so she must have come in through the back. She's sitting together with Wanda and Pepper, leaning back in her chair, rolling her eyes at something the two other women are saying to her, their voices muddling together.

I don't quite catch what the conversation is about, but Kate is quick to turn to Pepper after we deposit the dishes on the scrubbed wooden table. "What was that about a hotel?" She asks, strolling over to seat herself comfortably in Pepper's lap. Their limbs fit together perfectly, in a way you wouldn’t assume when you see them standing next to each other. I envy the easy way Kate drapes herself over Pepper, with not a care in the world. My eyes linger for a short while on their intertwined fingers, but my attention is quickly drawn back to the topic at hand. My brows knit together in confusion at the mention of a hotel. I don’t understand why Pepper would need a hotel, as she isn’t due for a holiday yet.

"Are you going on holiday?" I ask casually, my curious side getting the better of me. I direct my question at Pepper, but it's Wanda who answers me, her voice soothing and casual, "no, honey, it's a work trip. Pepper and I are both going, and we need to book the hotel soon."

Kate’s eyes widen in alarm, and I watch as her hand tightens around Pepper's fingers. She gives her a reproachful look, "you didn't tell me you’re going away." Pepper looks genuinely sorry as she lays a comforting hand on Kate’s back, cradling her close. I turn to look at Wanda, my eyes asking the same question of her. You didn't tell me you’re going away.

"The conference was supposed to be in town, but the venue cancelled at the last minute," Pepper says, "the closest place we could find is a four-hour drive and there's no way we can travel 8 hours every day." It's fair, I know it is, but still my heart contracts painfully in my chest. ‘’I can come, right?’’ Kate asks, her tone hopeful and cheery, ‘’we haven’t been on holiday in ages.’’ Pepper for her part really does look sorry when she has to disappoint her. ‘’Honey, you know your mother will also be there, I don’t want you so near her for that long.’’ Kate’s face crumples, and she begins to cry softly, resting her head against Pepper’s as her shoulders shake. I ball my hands into fists, staving off the tears, wishing I could do the same.

I watch as Pepper cradles her close to her, holding her head tightly to her chest, rocking slightly as she whispers words I can’t make out. I can feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes, knowing already what’s to come. Wanda holds her hand out to me, inviting me into a hug. "It's only five days, dove," she says, holding me tightly, whispering, "You’ll be fine, won’t you? I bet you’ll enjoy a nice little break.’’

I want to crumple like Kate, be shushed by Wanda like Pepper is doing for Kate. But Wanda thinks I'm stronger than that, that five days apart is no big deal. And it is, of course it’s not a big deal. The rational part of me knows that there is nothing odd about this, it’s completely normal. So why then does it feel like my chest has been hollowed out?

Wanda doesn't expect me to cry. So, I force myself to smile at her. "Of course," I say with a laugh, my voice straining against the tears that threaten to escape from me, "it's only five days."

***

As soon as the opportunity arises, I escape to the kitchen for a while, trying to find something useful to do. Wanda hired a catering company to take care of the food, so I can't cook, or pretend to fuss with the food that's cooking in the oven, or sitting covered on the counter.

I decide that wine is my best option, and I open the wine cooler, to inspect the available bottles. I slide my hand over the cool bottlenecks, feeling the condensation dampen my fingers. Truth be told, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't drink wine. So, I just take out the bottles one by one, and try to judge them on their appearance. I discount the white ones, simply because red wine looks more dramatic. The labels aren't very exciting, though, so this really doesn't help me to narrow it down.

"Are you contemplating alcoholism?"

Agatha's sudden appearance startles me so much that the bottle of Argentinean Malbec threatens to slip from my fingers, but thankfully I manage to regain my grasp on the thin neck before it can crash to the ground. My heart pounds in my chest, and I quickly replace the bottle, letting out my breath in a shaky puff. Agatha raises an eyebrow at me, "guilty conscience, hon?"

"Not a fan of people sneaking up on me, actually," I say, scowling as I close the door to the wine cooler. Agatha snorts, "I wasn't sneaking, I was looking for you."

"What for?"

"You tell me, you get your feelings hurt and next thing I know you look like you're turning to the bottle."

I’ve only known Agatha for a very short while, but after my conversation with her at the gala, I’m not surprised in the slightest that she noticed I’m upset. I actually think it’s pretty comical, and want to laugh at her remark, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I think she's funny. So I try very hard to make it look like I'm annoyed, and I keep my lips resolutely sealed.

"I thought you didn't drink?"

"I drink," I say evasively, now perusing a rack of champagne next to the wine cooler.

"Wanda said that you had your first drink in 10 years at the gala." I roll my eyes, "three years, actually. And so what? I fancy another one now."

Agatha moves over to lean against the kitchen counter, looking at me over the lenses of her glasses. "You know I have great connections with Alcoholics Anonymous, do you want me to give you their number?"

From the rack, I pull a bottle of Dom Pérignon, scanning the label like I know what I'm doing. "What are you actually here for? Because I think we both know I'm not looking to start a life of alcohol abuse." I keep my eyes glued to the label as I speak, turning it over and reading every word twice, anything so I won't have to look at her. But Agatha notices, of course she does.

"I see you're avoiding making eye-contact with me," she says, in that simple way she has of saying things. Just stating a truth, and waiting for me to explain myself. I don't, I just shrug, "it's not a crime, is it?"

‘’No,’’ she says airily, ‘’but I think it’s essential in order for a person to open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable. If you avoid eye-contact, you’re avoiding your own vulnerability.’’ This makes me falter, and I stammer a bit trying to find an adequate response, but Agatha ignores me, her eyes suddenly serious as she asks, "what do you think of Wanda having to go away for a business trip?"

Out of spite, I make sure to look Agatha dead in her eyes, but I regret it almost instantly. She's looking at me in that way again, like she can already see everything that's playing in my head, and she's just waiting for me to confirm her theories. "It's pretty normal for her to take business trips several times a year."

Agatha's eyes change, a look of reprove evident in her gaze. "I think you know that isn't what I was asking you." Her dissatisfaction with my answer stings, and not for the first time, I'm seized with a strange desire to tell her everything I'm worrying about. As if in doing so I wouldn't have to face her disapproval again. I try to keep myself composed, under her scrutinizing gaze. "It's only five days, Wanda said it's not a big deal." Agatha cocks her head to one side, "did she? I don't recall her saying that."

I'm agitated now, provoked by the anxiety from the conversation in the dining room, and now by Agatha prying into this situation. "But she meant it,’’ I say, a little too loudly, my voice cracking just a bit. ‘’Ah,’’ Agatha mutters, taking off her glasses, the end of one ear resting against her lips, ‘’so that’s what you’re about.’’ This makes precisely no sense to me, but Agatha doesn’t seem bothered to explain what she meant. She only smiles at me, the kind of encouraging smile I imagine her giving a client. ‘’You’re ashamed,’’ she says simply, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

‘’I beg your pardon?’’ Agatha ignores me again, which appears to be becoming a habit, and presses on with a question of her own, ‘’Wanda didn’t actually say that it wasn’t a big deal, did she? So why do you think she meant to say it?’’ My hands are beginning to shake, and I have to put the bottle of champagne down. ‘’I don’t know, she just asked me to deal with it.’’ I mumble, turning away from Agatha, so I don’t have to look at her anymore. Behind me, I hear her hum, mulling my statement over in her head. ‘’Remember what I said about eye contact, hon?’’

With a herculean effort, I turn around again, resting my back against the counter, slowly raising my eyes to look back up at her. She gives me a smile for my efforts. “Good job, hon,’’ she says in a higher pitched voice than I have heard from her so far. It feels somehow both condescending and rewarding. It’s the kind of tone you’d use when training a puppy, big exaggerate sounds that they can recognize, so they know when they’ve done something right. I want to hear her say it again.

"How did it make you feel when Kate began to cry?’’ she asks, her glasses dangling from her fingers. ‘’I don’t know, sad, I guess?’’ Agatha hums again, ‘’Sad because she was upset, or sad because you felt like you weren’t allowed to show the same level of emotion?’’

This throws me a bit, and I stutter out several uh’s and uhm’s before I can form a proper reply. ‘’I didn’t say that I wasn’t allowed to cry,’’ I say defensively. ‘’No, you didn’t. But you wanted to cry too, didn’t you?’’

‘’Why does that matter?’’ I say, my old agitation flaring up again. I feel my face heating up, and I’m profoundly uncomfortable under Agatha’s scrutiny. I don’t like that she knows these things about me. It frightens me that she can watch me and tell me exactly what goes on in my head. It feels invasive.

‘’If it doesn’t matter, answer my question.’’

‘’Fine,’’ I snap, much more aggressively than I had intended. ‘’I am upset, and I did want to cry, but that doesn’t matter anymore because it’s settled now.’’ Agatha’s brows furrow at my tone, but she doesn’t chide me for it. ‘’Do you really believe that?’’ she asks in a tone that suggests that she knows I’m lying. ‘’Wanda is going, and no amount of whining is going to change that.’’ She pulls a face of surprise, but I know enough to know by now that she isn’t surprised by this. I’m confirming what she’s known all along. ‘’Is that how you see the expression of your emotions? As whining?’’

‘’That’s not what I said.’’ Agatha smiles a devious smile. ‘’No, but you meant it,’’ she says, parroting my own words back at me. My shoulders slump forward a bit, my body wanting to shrink in on itself, to hide me from Agatha. ‘’Hon,’’ she says gently, laying a warm hand on my shoulder, ‘’I’m not doing this to be mean, I’m trying to help you. Be honest with me, and let me help you make it better.’’ I’m tired of this back and forth already, and the rational part of me knows that she’s right, Agatha isn’t doing this to antagonize me, so I sigh and nod. ‘’I just don’t want Wanda to think I’m too needy.’’

‘’And why is that?’’ she says, her tone encouraging, trying to coax me out of my shell. ‘’I’m afraid she won’t like me anymore if she knows how much I need her.’’ Agatha allows a silence to fall, stretching out painfully long. I think she’s waiting for me to say something, let loose more of my thoughts, but I don’t want to. Not when I’m not being prompted to, anyway.

‘’Have you felt that before?’’ she finally asks, after what feels like an eternity, ‘’That you couldn’t let someone know you needed them?’’

The answer is out of my mouth before I can stop myself. ‘’Yes.’�� I say, without even thinking about it. Something like triumph glitters in Agatha’s eyes, ‘’Why don’t you tell me about that, hon?’’ I shake my head dismissively, ‘’I don’t want to talk about it.’’

‘’You don’t have to give details, just give me a rough idea.’’ I shrug, my eyes finding the floor again. ‘’I don’t know, this is just so personal. I’m not your client.’’ Agatha chuckles, ‘’aren’t you?’’ She takes a step back from the counter and begins pulling open drawers, she stops when she opens the miscellaneous drawer, where we keep bits and pieces that don’t belong anywhere else. She fishes out a notepad that I’ve been using to write grocery lists on, and that Wanda uses to write little notes to me or the housekeeper. She produces a pen from her pocket and throws the notepad down on the counter, clicks the pen open, and begins to take notes.

She replaces her glasses carefully on the edge of her nose, writing down words that I can’t make out from here. A silence lingers for a while, and whilst Agatha seems perfectly at ease, I feel more and more disconcerted with every second that passes by. After a while, she looks up at me, her glasses sitting slightly crooked on her nose. ‘’So, are you going to accept that you need my help, or are you going to run yourself into the ground? The choice is all yours, toots.’’

This isn’t rejection, quite the opposite, but there’s a suggestion of it in her tone, and it makes me recoil. Her approval earlier felt so warm, enveloping me like a blanket, shutting out the cold. I feel ridiculous for wanting this from her, when I could get it somewhere else. I could go back to work, and fall back into the steady rhythm of misery, that nonetheless feeds that ugly part of me that wants to be praised for my actions.

For a second I feel the sensation of déjà vu, like I’ve done this exact thing before, stood in this spot together with Agatha. I know I haven’t, of course. Just a trick of the mind. But I know I’ve been here before, not in this kitchen, with this woman, but in different places, with other women. My neighbour, my aunt, several teachers, a doctor, and then me, wanting nothing more than to please, to say or do the right thing, so that they would like me and keep me around. Agatha waves a hand in front of my eye-line, and I realize I’ve been staring off into the distance. I shake my head slightly, clearing the foggy thoughts from my mind. ‘’Well?’’ she asks, her eyebrows raised, ‘’penny for your thoughts, hon.’’

‘’Kate used to be your client, right?’’ She’s surprised by my question, but she still answers me. ‘’A couple of years ago, yes.’’

‘’What did you do to help her?’’ Agatha smiles, and it’s slightly condescending, like I’m a child asking her why the grass is green. ‘’Trade secret, baby. It’s confidential.’’ I try to brush past the pet name, pushing her for more answers. ‘’At the gala, Mrs. Bishop said that thing to you,’’ I say with a slight flush creeping into my cheeks, ‘’about, uhm, you know- The mother thing.’’ Agatha snorts, shaking her head at me. ‘’Right, what was it again? Something about telling vulnerable girls to go fuck their mothers, I think.’’ Now she doesn’t have her glasses in hand anymore, she takes to playing with her pen, spinning it around in her hands. The plastic of the pen makes soft ticking noises as it makes contact with the many rings on her fingers.

‘’Eleanor Bishop doesn’t know the first thing about my line of work, and not just that, she has no clue who her daughter truly is. She knows that I encouraged both her relationship and her dynamic with Pepper, and unfortunately, she found out a few too many details about the workings of it all. She drew her own conclusions, and as a result, she spouts nonsense like that.’’

‘’Oh,’’ I say, ‘’so, she was lying? I mean, you didn’t-‘’ I trail off awkwardly, and Agatha laughs, the sound of echoing through the kitchen. ‘’What? Tell her she wants to fuck her mother? No, I didn’t.’’ My face heats up, and I scramble for my words, ‘’N-no I didn’t, that’s not what I-‘’ But Agatha waves it away dismissively. ‘’Eleanor Bishop is upset, because she realized that she messed her kid up, and she’s looking for everything she couldn’t get from her mother, somewhere else. Kate is making up for lost time, and her mother can’t accept that she failed her child.’’

Unbidden, the image of my own mother floats up into my mind's eye, and the little voice in my head taunts me when the similarities in our situation become so clear to me. I think she can sense my discomfort, and the shift in energy, because she shrugs it off, ‘’never mind all of that, if you want the details of Kate’s treatment plan, you’re going to have to ask her for consent because I’m not in the business of HIPAA violations.’’

‘’O-okay.’’ I manage weakly. ‘’That’s later,’’ she says, her demeanour shifting as she looks back down at the notepad full of her scribbles, ‘’now I’d like to circle back to that question I asked you. Someone made you feel like you couldn’t let them know you needed them. Who made you feel that way, and why?’’

‘’Uhm,’’ I mutter, forcing myself once again to make eye contact with Agatha, ‘’my mother.’’ I watch as her eyebrow twitches slightly, and her eyes light up as though she just struck gold. ‘’You needed her, as all children need her mothers,’’ she says, ‘’but she didn’t fulfil those needs?’’ Her voice is sweet as honey, asking a question to which she already knows the answer.

I begin to pick at the skin around my palm, digging my nails in hard to prevent myself from crying. ‘’My mother didn’t care for me like mothers are supposed to,’’ I say, ‘’I had to care for her a lot of the time, support her emotionally, I mean.’’ Agatha nods her understanding, encouraging me to continue. ‘’I needed her when I was little, and after that too sometimes. But I never felt like I could tell her that, because I was supposed to be the strong one.’’

Her pen flies over the page as I speak, and I try to follow it, but can’t make any sense of it. She isn’t writing down my words, but that’s as much as I can tell. She’s drawing arrows too, and little stars next to sentences. She doesn’t say things that my old therapist would have said, like ‘that’s rough’, or ‘that must have been hard on you’. She just lays down her pen, nodding her head solemnly. ‘’What were you feeling when Pepper comforted Kate as she cried?’’

The question throws me a bit, because my mind had wandered off into the dark depths of my past. I bring myself back to that moment in the dining room, standing there watching Kate fall apart. I shift my weight nervously from foot to foot, and shrug.

"Be honest, tell me how you felt."

"Envious."

‘’Ah,’’ Agatha says softly, ‘’You wanted Wanda to do the same for you?’’

My nails dig harder into my palm, as tears threaten to spill from my eyes and fall down my cheeks. ‘’Pepper just saw straight away how upset Kate was, and she comforted her. I wanted that too.’’

‘’You want Wanda to look after you, like Pepper looks after Kate?’’

‘’I guess,’’ I say, acting like I wouldn’t give the world to be comforted by Wanda right now. I think back to my first night at the house, and how gentle and kind she was then. She held me as I cried, and rocked me to sleep. I wonder what it would take for her to do that again.

Agatha hums thoughtfully, ‘’that dynamic didn’t spring up out of nowhere, you understand that, don’t you? It takes time and trust, and most importantly honesty and openness.’’ This sounds so much like actual advice, that the surprise must be evident on my face, because Agatha snorts, ‘’you know I have my PhD in psychology, don’t you? I can say half decent things when I bother to.’’ She shakes her head at me, but I haven’t yet wiped the smirk from her face.

‘’Pepper didn’t spot that Kate was upset out of nowhere, it was communicated to her when Kate began to cry, Pepper picked up that cue, and was then able to comfort her. It’s about communication and mutual understanding.’’ Agatha removes her glasses again, her gaze suddenly stern, ‘’and given that you’re standing here contemplating getting drunk, rather than talking to Wanda, that indicates to me that you have a long way to go in that department.’’

***

Our impromptu therapy session comes to an end when Wanda slips in through the half open kitchen door to announce Maria’s arrival. She doesn’t seem surprised in the slightest at Agatha’s presence, and merely gives my hand a little squeeze as she leads me out of the kitchen and to the dinner table. All seats, barring one, are filled, and I know, even without anyone telling me so, that that seat was meant for Natasha Romanoff. Opposite me, Kate looks to have calmed down mostly, and she’s contentedly nibbling on some bread as she listens to Pepper gloat about our achievement. Her cheeks are red now, though, and I notice her squirming in her seat, but quickly my attention is diverted by Pepper showing the others the magazine covers featuring mine and Wanda’s picture.

I have a look, too, and I’m surprisingly pleased at how the photographs turned out. Our backseat kiss genuinely looks like it could have been an accident, our edges are blurred, making it look like it was hastily taken. We’re pressed impossibly close to one another, the flush in my cheeks clear, even in the fuzzy picture, the sight of this brings me right back to that moment. Under the table, Wanda takes hold of my thigh, squeezing slightly. ‘’You make a handsome pair,’’ Maria says, inclining her head towards us with a smile. Wanda nudges me playfully with her elbow, ‘’we do, don’t we, honey?’’

Maria snorts, ‘’you could’ve fooled me.’’

‘’Actually, that’s why I asked you all to come over today,’’ Wanda says, making good use of the segue provided by Maria, ‘’we may or may not have been keeping a secret from you.’’ Even with so little to go on, the reaction from the room is instantaneous. Kate gasps hugely, and Agatha slumps back in her chair with triumph, a gloating look on her face. ‘’I knew it,’’ she says, with a shit-eating grin, ‘’cough up, Hill.’’ Maria curses, slamming her fist hard against the wooden table, ‘’oh come on! You couldn’t have waited two more weeks?’’

I look between the two women with some confusion, trying to figure out what exactly they’re talking about. Maria fishes a £50 note out of her pocket, and slides it across the table with a sour look. ‘’You took a bet on our relationship?’’ I say indignantly, but all the women at the table, including Maria, merely laugh at me. ‘’For the record, I knew before you had even signed that damned contract that this would happen.’’ Pepper states, pointing her finger around at everyone, ‘’I called this.’’

‘’I’m sorry Wands,’’ Agatha says, as she pockets the money, ‘’it was too good of an opportunity to let go. I think all of us knew this was bound to happen.’’ She’s clearly right, because it seems that everyone had been expecting for us to make the announcement soon. Even with the anxiety about Wanda’s trip weighing me down, I feel slightly comforted by the knowledge that Wanda’s friends are accepting of us, and approving of me. They treat me like one of their own, and have done so since the very first moment. And once the moment of shock has passed, everyone goes back to their regular conversations. The normalcy of it all grounds me somewhat, even as my stomach twists and turns as I think over Wanda’s upcoming trip.

***

The dinner is delicious, the wine even more so. Still, my appetite is minimal. Even with the good conversation, and the nice company, my mood is dampened by the thought of Wanda’s departure. I nibble at my meal, pushing it around a little with my fork. I compensate for my lack of enthusiasm for the food by gulping down the wine. It goes straight to my head. Not in the way hard liquor does, this feels different somehow. My head swims, and I feel the buzz, but there’s none of the horrible nausea that comes with drinking cheap vodka.

Wanda notices that I don’t make much of a dent in my dinner, and she places a strong hand on my thigh, leaning in to whisper to me, asking me if I’m feeling alright. Seated at the head of the table, Agatha is holding court, loudly telling a lewd story involving a student, several board members and a cat o' nine tails whip. ‘’Of course,’’ I lie, with a smile, and I notice that it’s a bit harder to pull off than I am used to. In the before times, as I now have come to think of them, I told all sorts of lies all the time, with no issue whatsoever. Yes, I slept well. Yes, I ate my dinner. No, this project isn’t overwhelming. No, I don’t need more time to work on it. Lying came as easily to me as breathing, and the difficulty I have now, however slight, unsettles me.

Wanda frowns a bit, looking down at my hardly touched plate, and she opens her mouth to speak, but I am saved from her inquiries by the sound of breaking glass. I start, almost threatening to upset my own wine glass, but I save it in the nick of time. Across the table from me, Kate’s face is red, and a slight shimmer of tears is visible in her eyes once more. Her glass lies broken on the ground, the little orange juice that was in it, splattered all over the floor. Pepper’s hand flies to the ring of her collar, yanking her harshly towards her.

‘’Uh oh…’’ Agatha sing songs, a cruel smile on her face, ‘’you should house train your pets Pepper.’’ If looks could kill, Agatha would be decomposing where she sits. Ever dignified, however, Pepper ignores her, instead choosing to hiss some words to Kate that I can’t make out. Kate is still squirming, tears steadily dripping down her face. It doesn’t shock me, but I’m surprised to see them interact like this. Until now, I’ve never witnessed an altercation between them, and it’s strange to hear the venom in Pepper’s voice when she grabs Kate harshly by the face, to turn her head in our direction.

‘’Now apologize to miss Wanda for breaking her pretty glass.’’ Kate whines, and she struggles in Pepper’s grasp, but she manages to stutter out a weak, ‘’I- I’m sorry, muh-miss Wanda.’’ Wanda for her part takes it well, she squeezes my thigh slightly before she speaks, her voice gentle and reassuring, ‘’that’s alright Katie, thank you for apologizing. Are you going to be a good girl and clean it up?’’

Something inside me jumps at her words, and I suddenly wish it were me in Kate’s position. Across the table, I watch as Pepper’s fingers move from her face, where they were squishing Kate’s cheeks together, back to her collar, pulling her in so close that only she can make out her partner’s words. My eyes drift to Pepper’s lap, where her phone lies open on a screen that shows something like sound waves. I stare at it for a while, unsure of what I’m looking at, but when Pepper’s finger casually slides over the screen to increase the waves, and Kate lets out a high-pitched noise of surprise, I realize what’s going on. I feel the heat bloom in my face, and I look away quickly from the pair, trying to ignore Wanda’s warm hand on my thigh, and the strange feelings swirling in my gut. In my haste to look anywhere but the scene in front of me, I accidentally make eye contact with Agatha, who sits at the head of the table, leaning back in her chair, grinning at me from over the rim of her glasses. She raises an eyebrow at me, and I can just imagine her voice as though she were actually speaking to me.

Enjoying the show, hon?’

***

Under Pepper’s watchful gaze, Kate sweeps up the broken glass and mops the floor to clear it from the orange juice. She’s not crying anymore, but she’s prone to having fits of uncontrollable shaking, whenever Pepper plays with the waves on her phone. Everyone at the table continues their conversations, acting like this is the most normal thing in the world to them. And maybe it is.

‘’Are you okay?’’ Wanda whispers to me, ‘’I know it’s a lot, is that why you’re having a bit of a hard time tonight?’’ I seize this opportunity with both hands, ‘’Yes,’’ I whisper back, watching as Kate clambers into Pepper’s lap, having just finished cleaning up her mess, ‘’it’s okay though, I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.’’

She seems satisfied with this explanation, and she throws an arm over my shoulders, reclining in her seat. Kate has her face buried in the crook of Pepper’s neck, and the conversation falls silent, just in time for us to her Kate mumble something against Pepper’s skin. ‘’I’m sorry mommy.’’

It feels like a current of electricity runs through my body at the sound of that word, and suddenly the room has become uncomfortably hot. I’m hyper aware of Wanda’s arm around my shoulders, and I know for certain that if I were to turn my head, Agatha would be right there staring at me. I don’t give her the satisfaction, so I resolutely stare straight ahead. ‘’Don’t mind her,’’ Pepper says airily to the room at large, ‘’she’s fussy today’’ and then, turning to Kate, ‘’aren’t you, puppy?’’

Kate seems much more relaxed now, her tears are gone, her sniffles replaced with soft moans and whines. She nods blearily, her hands pawing slightly at Pepper’s blouse. ‘’Someone’s impatient.’’ Maria laughs, and she stands up to fetch a simple black bag sitting on an ottoman in the corner of the room. I recognize it as the bag Pepper brought over today. She throws it underhanded to Pepper, who surprisingly catches it. ‘’Give us some entertainment, won’t you? It’s been ages.’’ Pepper gives her an annoyed look, ‘’she broke a glass, Hill. I know you don’t understand the concept of discipline, but she can’t be rewarded for that.’’

‘’Who said it’ll be a reward?’’ Agatha cuts in, shoving her chair back loudly and strolling over to where Pepper sits holding the bag. She reaches in, fishing out a pretty purple toy with a suction cup. She leans down to attach it to the floor, before heading back to her seat. ‘’She can fuck herself on that, we all know she won’t be able to cum from just that.’’ Kate’s eyes go wide, and she whines, both of her hands clutching at Pepper’s blouse now. ‘’No, no, no, no. Mommy, I’m sorry,’’ she cries, ‘’you promised, you said I could.’’ But Pepper doesn’t relent, merely giving her a stern look, ‘’maybe later, if you’re a good girl for us now, okay puppy?’’

Maria helps Pepper to extract the girl from her, guiding her to the floor, where they squat on either side of her to manoeuvre her to her knees. Once she’s down, Maria returns to her seat, keeping a respectful distance. From my position, I can’t see everything that’s happening, but I watch as Pepper reaches her hand up Kate’s skirt and whispers some words to her that I can’t hear. Kate puts her hands on Pepper’s shoulders to steady herself, there’s a wet sucking noise that makes even the tips of my ears feel hot, and then the quiet room is filled with a buzzing noise. I feel rather light-headed as I watch Maria helpfully turn down the waves on Pepper’s phone, and the vibrations stop instantly.

‘’Be a good girl and fuck yourself on that, puppy.’’ Pepper says, petting Kate’s hair affectionately, ‘’you heard miss Maria, they want a show.’’ There’s a smacking noise, and I assume Pepper tapped Kate on her ass, because she makes a startled noise, and moves into action almost instantly. She shuffles on her knees, holding on to Pepper for support, before lowering herself down. I can only imagine what is going on beyond my line of sight, but Kate lets out a low moan of relief, that almost fills in the blanks on the picture in my head. I can almost see the purple silicone between her thighs. Pepper raises herself up again, slipping a small black toy, shining with slick, into the pocket of her trousers. ‘’That’s a good girl, puppy.’’

***

My head swims, either from the alcohol, Wanda's ever burning grip on my thigh, or Kate's increasingly loud moans. Maria, Pepper and Agatha are egging Kate on, making lewd comments about her body, and vulgar remarks about everything they could be doing to her if only she had been a good girl. Kate's face is red and streaked with tears that are by now dripping down her chin. Whilst she had started off moving slowly, her face contorted as though the toy was almost painful, she now sets a punishing pace, and she pants with the effort of it.

''It's such a shame that you've forgotten how to behave, Katie.'' Agatha remarks with a dark smile, ''it's been so long since you kept my pretty cock warm.'' In response to this, Kate lets out a tortured sound, ''no, no, no, no, no...'' She whines, turning her eyes upward to look alternately at Pepper and then at Agatha. ''Please- Please,'' she huffs, ''you promised, you said I could, I've been good all week.''

My heart beats at four times its normal speed, and I can't help but keep myself focused on Kate as she bobs up and down on the toy. The revelation that Agatha has slept with Kate before doesn't shock me, as it probably should, but the thought that Pepper would share her is astounding to me.

''Mommy, please,'' Kate whines again, fingers grabbing at Pepper's white trouser legs, ''I'll be so good, please, please I want to sit on daddy’s lap.'' If Pepper is surprised at that title for Agatha, she doesn’t show it. Instead, she rolls her eyes, grabbing a fistful of Kate's hair, yanking her upright, ''you're a desperate little cock whore lately, aren't you?'' With a shove, she's pushed in the direction of Agatha, who looks as though Christmas has come early. My throat feels rather dry, and I take a shaky gulp of my wine. Wanda, who's been silent until now, speaks up, ''you can't blame her for wanting Agatha, now can you Pepper? I think we've all fallen victim to her charm at some point.''

My head feels much too foggy to even begin to try to understand what this means, so I just decide to let it go for now. Wanda clearly feels more confident, now that everyone is busy watching this display, and she leans down slightly to press a kiss to my cheek, her hand dropping back to my thigh and skirting dangerously close the apex of my thighs. Quite suddenly, I'm uncomfortably aware of the throbbing sensation between my legs.

I look around for a distraction, for something that could help me turn these feelings around, something dull to stare at, tiles to count. But my wandering eye is drawn to Agatha, who is beckoning Kate over to her. I wait for something to happen, for someone to search through the black bag again and produce another toy. But, nothing of the sort happens, Kate merely lowers herself obediently in between Agatha's spread legs.

''I told you to house-train your pets, Peps,'' Agatha says smugly, her nimble fingers moving to undo the zip of her trousers. I feel as though I might faint any moment now. ''How many years has it been now? Four? Five?'' her fingers dig in the opening of her zip, grasping at something I can't see, ''and she still remembers my training.''

From the gap she pulls another toy, also purple, but short and thick, and more realistic in looks. The thought of Agatha walking around with that hidden all evening makes my head spin, and my mouth water. Kate doesn't need instructions, and simply leans down to take Agatha in her mouth. With a smirk, the older woman collects all of Kate's hair to keep it away from her mouth. I have to breathe in through my nose and let my breath out through my mouth in order to calm my racing heart somewhat. But it's difficult when Maria talks about how Kate ''sucks cock like a champ'' and when Pepper is urging Agatha to ''make her choke on it''

Agatha seems to like Pepper's suggestion, because a few times she snaps her hips up sharply, and in response Kate makes a grotesque gagging noise, saliva dribbling from her chin to her chest. Even through all of this, I manage to keep it together, manage to ignore the way Agatha makes conversation with Maria as if Kate isn't sucking her off under the table.

But when after a few long minutes, Agatha hauls Kate up to sit in her lap, my brain seems to short-circuit. Kate lets out a contented sigh of relief, but this is only short-lived because the second she tries to lift herself up to fuck herself on it, Agatha stops her. Kate's lower lip trembles, and I'm sure she's going to put up a fight, but she remains silent. ''See?'' Agatha gloats, ''you can be a good girl. Go on, grind on my cock, Katie.'' She flips up Kate's skirt to reveal her cunt, soaking wet and swollen. My clit twitches and throbs, and I grasp at Wanda's hand, my fingers clutching hers desperately. I can't take my eyes off of her, and all I can think is why her, and not me?

Images of me in Kate's position flood my mind. I want Wanda to reach out and touch me, in front of everyone here, I don't care. I just need this ache to stop, but I don't know how to ask for it. Kate is getting desperate now, and I like to imagine that she's letting out my frustration for me. At least she can be loud, I have to sit here quietly.

She's struggling in Agatha's grasp, but the older woman holds her firmly in place. ''Please, please, please-'' she babbles, and I'm not sure who she's asking. ''Please what?'' Pepper answers. Kate's whole body trembles as Pepper gets up, moving to stand in front of Kate seated on Agatha's lap I can feel my own wetness, and I'm sure that if I were to touch myself now, my fingers would be covered in my own slick. My hands are sweaty, and my legs are shaking.

Pepper’s fingers find their home around Kate’s throat, and they both smile. Kate looks relieved, almost. ‘’Please take care of me mommy, I need- I need…’’ It comes out slightly garbled, but I can still make out the words. ‘’It’s okay baby, let’s empty that pretty head of yours.’’

I’m highly conscious of Wanda next to me, and I wonder what she thinks of this. Does she want this like I want this?

I wish this were us.

I wish I could ask her to take care of me.

When Kate comes, Agatha’s eyes find mine again, and I can almost hear her speaking to me, gloating and goading. I can almost feel her hands on my waist, just as they are on Kate’s. You wish this was you, don’t you?

The room feels much too hot, and I feel too exposed. My chair makes a loud scraping noise when I push it back, startling everyone except for Pepper and Kate, who seem to be in a world of their own.

Wanda rises to follow me, but I hear Agatha calling her to stay, and to let me go.

***

When I burst into the bedroom, where the windows have been open all evening, I notice how clammy I feel. My mouth is dry and tacky, the world spinning slightly on its axis. Maybe I had a little bit too much wine. But what else was I supposed to? All evening I’ve been trying to push Wanda’s trip from my mind, but I feel the horrible, twisted sadness creeping in again. My chest feels hollowed out, empty and gaping. I blame Agatha and her awful questions.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about this, I don’t want to cry, but I can feel it in my throat and behind my eyes. I swallow it back. I’m better than that, surely. I lower myself onto the edge of the bed on shaking arms. I want comfort, I want Wanda. But I can’t have her, I don’t know how to ask for this. I don’t even know what I want to ask for. What do I even want her to do? Fuck the sadness out of me? Maybe that idea isn’t half bad. At least then I won’t have to think about this. Maybe that’s why Kate wanted to do all of that today, maybe she just knows how to regulate her emotions better than I do.

Almost mechanically, I push myself back up, and make my way to the second bedroom, that once was meant to be mine. I pull out the tote bag that I had wedged between the headboard and the wall on my first day at the house. My toy doesn’t look like Kate’s, but it has a suction cup just like hers. This will do.

With trembling hands, I suction the toy to the smooth tiles of the bathroom floor. I make sure it's close enough to the bath, so I can drape my upper body over that when I inevitably lose the strength in my arms to keep myself upright. Hastily I slide my underwear down my legs, kicking them away into the corner and I sink down onto my knees. The tiles are hard and cold, and it's somewhat painful to kneel there. I think it's wonderful.

I'm wet all down my thighs, and yet I know I haven't been prepped properly. I know this will hurt for a while, but I welcome the pain. The lubricant spreads messily over my hand, cold and slick, as I wipe it off on the toy. Gingerly, I lower myself down over it, mewling as the cold head slips and slides over my heated clit. When I position the head over my entrance I realize just how unprepared I am for this, but I can't find it in myself to care, if I don't get this inside me now I feel as though I might collapse in on myself.

The stretch is significant, but it still slides in easily thanks to the combined wetness of my arousal and the lubricant. Just the head rests inside, and I have to breathe through the stinging pain. It doesn't hurt too much for me to continue, so I try to relax and bounce myself up and down a bit. After a few moments I feel able to take some more of the length, though it still stings. The head now rests comfortably against that one delicious spot inside of me, and I have to bite back a moan. How can something feel so uncomfortable, and yet so wonderful at the same time?

It takes only a few minutes for my body to adjust, and for the stinging to fade away into nothingness. Now all I feel is a primal, deep sort of need. My insides twist and squirm, begging for more, begging for some kind of relief, not just of the physical kind. The rhythm I establish is nothing short of messy, and it’s all wrong. I can’t get the pacing right, and that marvellous feeling of bottoming out on a toy is nowhere to be found. It feels good, but not good enough. Frustrated tears pool in my eyes, so thick and heavy they actually fall, dripping all the way down my chin onto my chest. After fifteen minutes I am half sobbing, half moaning, delirious from an ache I can’t satisfy. I need more, I need more, I need- I need-

When Wanda finds me, she looks surprised. Her mouth open and rounded into a perfect little oh. I can’t stop myself, not even with Wanda here. It aches so bad, and I can’t make it go away, no matter how much I try. I don’t want to think about how I must look to her now, red-faced and sobbing, still dressed, fucking myself on her bathroom floor. She doesn’t give me time to consider it. She is on her knees in front of me in a split second, her hands smoothing my hair away from my sweaty face. ‘’What do you need?’’ she asks, so earnestly I would cry, if I wasn’t crying already.

‘’Please, please, please, please.’’

I hang my head, to let it rest on her shoulder, breathing in her perfume as I take shuddering breaths in between each word. ‘’I need- need- you, please, I can’t- I can’t.’’ Wanda’s hands grasp my hips, trying to slow my movement, and I almost scream in utter frustration. ‘’No, no, no, puh-lease,’’ is all I can get out, before she shushes me. ‘’Honey, take a deep breath, and tell me what you need, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.’’

I force myself to stay still, to breathe deeply in, and out, and again. Until my body relaxes somewhat into Wanda. ‘’There you go, good girl,’’ she coos, reigniting the heat in my belly once more. ‘’I can’t do it right,’’ I whine into her neck, my fingers grasping at her arms, ‘’I can’t feel and think at the same time, and I can’t get it to feel right.’’

She smooths a soothing hand down my back, and I can feel her smile into my hair. ‘’It’s okay, baby. Did seeing Katie like that get you excited?’’ I whimper, and nod, too far gone to even be ashamed of admitting it. She guides me off of the toy, ignoring my whines, and removing the toy from the tiles. ‘’It made me excited too, made me want you just like Agatha was having her, would you like that, sweet girl?’’ She helps me to my feet with my hands in hers, and just for this moment, I decide, it doesn’t matter. She has admitted to me, so now I may admit to her. Just for tonight. ‘’Please, I need you so badly.’’ I whisper, my eyes downcast to the blueish bathroom tiles, my fingers grasping tightly onto hers.

Wanda has smiled at me in a thousand different ways. She has a smile for everything, for an exceptionally well performing report, for over hours at work, for when I make her breakfast just right, for when she wants to say I love you without saying it. But now her smile is devilish and predatory, and this is entirely foreign to me.

Her lips curl up beautifully, her eyes shine with the infinite possibilities of her power over me. It’s the most dangerous smile she has ever given me, and yet I have never felt so safe.

***

Wanda guides me from the bathroom into the bedroom, and onto the bed. She positions me on my knees, on top of the soft sheets. From there, I watch as she strips, the muscles in her arms becoming more pronounced when she reaches up to pull her shirt over her head. She slips the harness on like it’s the most natural thing in the world, like tying her shoelaces, or doing up the buttons of a coat. She needs my help to fit the base of the toy through the ring, and with the combined shakiness of my hands, and the slickness of the toy, it takes a few moments before it’s comfortably in place. She kisses me, hastily, like she herself is impatient too, and she asks me quietly ‘’are you sure about this? Remember to tap out when you want to stop.’’ I nod so quickly that I fear I might have given myself whiplash, and my enthusiasm makes Wanda smile. I hesitate for half a second, but then I speak up, ‘’don’t go easy on me- please, I think I just need- I don’t know, I just want you to be a bit rough.’’

Wanda smiles again, and this time it’s a cocky thing, all smugness and pride. My insides twist at the thought of what is to come and my head buzzes at the sight of Wanda like this, cool and confident, perfectly at ease, perfectly in control. She knows I will bend for her, in whichever way she asks me to. She knows I’m all hers, to with as she pleases.

Her hand is warm and firm as she places it in the middle of my back, pushing down harshly to bend me over. I fall into position as though I was born to do this, my back arched prettily, legs spread as far as they can go. ‘’You really are gagging for it, aren’t you?’’ Wanda delights, so satisfied with herself that I can hear it in her voice. I don’t bother responding, I just whine and wiggle my ass for her.

The smack comes as somewhat of a surprise, startling me so much that I yelp out loud, my voice reverberating through the room. Her hand instantly rubs smoothing circles over my stinging skin, and the motion has me moaning hotly, leaning back into her, sticking out my ass, asking for more. She delivers two more hits that leave me reeling, and somewhere in the distance I can hear her snicker. ‘’I’m going to have so much fun putting you over my lap someday, sweetheart.’’

And I would respond to her, tell her how much I want that, but then her fingers find my soaked cunt and my brain goes silent. Her intake of breath, along with the slick sounds her fingers make, are the only sounds in the room for a few moments, but when she sinks two fingers into me, I groan just a bit too loudly. I push back against her, impatient for more, but she’s stubborn. She fucks into me lazily for a while, her hand splayed out on my back, holding me in place. Then suddenly her fingers are gone, leaving me empty and wanting.

I hold my breath, waiting for her strap, waiting for her to give me what I want. But seconds pass, and then a few minutes, and suddenly, the dam in me breaks completely. My arms give way underneath me, and a sob tears at my throat. I struggle in her grasp, fighting against the hand on my back, holding me in place. ‘’Ah, ah, ah,’’ Wanda muses, placing both of her hands on my hips now, so harshly that her fingernails dig into my skin, ‘’that’s not the way to ask.’’

Tears find their way back to my eyes and drip hotly onto my chest. I wail into the sheets underneath me, ‘’please, please, please.’’ The words tumble over and into each other, blending together in a jumbled mess of tears and saliva, and muffled by the sheets. ‘’Pl-ease, I need- I- I- oh…’’

Wanda finally takes pity on me, sliding her strap into me in one thrust, the front of her thighs resting against my backside. Her skin is warm, but against my overheated clammy skin, it’s like she’s icy cold. I am so wet that she slides right in, with absolutely no resistance. She holds me there for a while, and I relish in the way we fit together, Her cock pressed snugly against that sweet spot inside of me. Then, slowly, one of her hands creeps up towards my scalp, sliding in between my hair and scratching softly. ‘’Detka,’’ she muses, her voice velvety smooth, ‘’remember that you asked for this.’’

Then her hand balls up into a fist, collecting a handful of my hair and pulling hard. At the same time, she thrusts her hips into me, so harshly that my full body lurches forward. I would have fallen if she didn’t have such a strong hold on me. Some part of it hurts, and I know I will feel her tomorrow, but for now the pain makes it feel just that much better, and when her cock rubs me in just the right way I howl from the pleasure of it. She gives me no time to adjust before she sets a punishing pace, laughing at the way I squirm under her. It is somehow both too much, and yet still not enough.

Tears are steadily leaking from the corners of my eyes, and I’m having a hard time containing the saliva in my open, moaning mouth. Wanda delights in it, cooing at me with a slightly cruel tone of voice. ‘’You’re such a mess, baby. Is that really all it takes?’’ I can’t think, let alone string a sentence together. But she feels so good inside of me, and I need her to know this. In this position, I feel so totally enveloped by her, that it’s almost overwhelming. I suck in great lungfuls of air, trying to form any sounds that aren’t moans. I end up making some kind of wailing gasping noise, punctuated by a high-pitched squeak, as she tries to deliberately trip me up by giving me an extra rough thrust,

‘’Awww, what’s wrong, little dove? Is it too much? Do you need me to stop?’’ The hand in my hair releases its hold and my upper body, no longer supported by her strength, falls limply to the bed. She stays infuriatingly still inside of me, and I can hear her panting slightly as her hands cup my ass. When I try to move myself, they find their way back to my hips, holding me in place. ‘’Isn’t that better, dove? You were struggling so much, I think you’ve had enough.’’

I know she’s only teasing, but the threat of being left like this so horrifying that my tears begin to flow once more. ‘’No, no, no, no, please, please don’t.’’ I try to buck my hips into her, but I can’t move a millimetre with her holding me so tightly. She chuckles at my cries of frustration, clearly amused by this display of desperation. She pulls out lightly, just to tease me a bit, sliding her strap in and out in a slow and steady pace that leaves me reeling. I am so close, and I know that if she touched me in just the right way, it wouldn’t take long.

In one final act of desperation I reach for one of the hands grasping my hips, and she must think I simply want to hold it, because she lets go of one of my hips to entangle her fingers with mine. Carefully I guide her around my body, flatting her hand so that her palm is flush against my skin. I find the spot with ease, and lay my hand over hers, pressing her into my lower stomach, where I know she can now feel herself inside of me.

She swears loudly, and she moves experimentally to feel the bulge of her cock. ‘’Please,’’ I whimper, ‘’you feel so good inside of me, please, please, I need more.’’ I expect for this to break her, for her to finally give me what I want, but if anything it gives her more restraint. She relishes in the feel of her cock bulging in my lower stomach, I can tell by the way she presses down on me, and increases the force behind her thrusts. She refuses to speed up though, simply pulling out languidly, before thrusting back in with considerable force behind it. It’s sloppy, and on every other thrust her strap slips out and slides over my clit as she tries to push back into me. This act alone brings me right to the edge, the feel of the slick ridges of her cock over my aching clit, pulls the knot in my abdomen ever tighter. It’s so, so very close to what I need, but it’s still not enough.

The frustration of the night, combined with the fears surrounding Wanda’s trip and the painful edging she’s putting me through, finally become too much. I let myself cry in earnest, feebly trying to buck my hips into her, trashing in her arms as she holds me close to her. I can’t take this any more, I can’t think, I can hardly breathe.

‘’Say something nice,’’ Wanda muses, amusement clear in her voice, ‘’and I’ll think about letting you come.’’

‘’Mo-mmy-‘’ I whimper, no longer able to contain myself, too far gone to think straight, I echo Kate’s desperate plea from easier. Behind me, Wanda stills, her grip on me loosens, and I find room to throw my hips back, fucking myself on her cock. She doesn’t try to stop me. One of her hands finds its way to my throat, pulling me up slowly until I’m flush with her front, her breasts pressing against the bare skin of my back. ‘’Say that again,’’ she whispers, her breath hot against the shell of my ear.

I’m so ready to come, I try to spread my legs, to slide my own hand down to rub at my clit, but Wanda is too quick for me. With her free hand she catches my wrist, and she holds my body in position with the combined grip on my throat and her thighs holding mine steady. ‘’I said, say that again,’’ she hisses, giving my throat an extra squeeze.

‘’Mommy,’’ I whine, ‘’Please, I wanna- I- I need-‘’

‘’I know, little dove,’’ Wanda coos, pulling out of me fully, and guiding me to lay on my back, ‘’do you want mommy to make it all better?’’ Somehow, when she repeats it back to me the reality of what I’ve done begins to set in, somewhere in the back of my mind my anxiety kick-starts. Now there’s a battle waging in my mind, between shame and desire. But with Wanda’s soft hands on my skin, and the still slick strap bobbing between her thighs, my shame buckles for my desire. My face flushes, and I shake my hair in front of my face to hide myself, but I nod, and hum my ascent. Yes, yes, I do want her to make it better.

She pulls a pillow from the pile at the top of the headboard, and manoeuvres it to fit under my hips. She looks magnificent above me, with flushed cheeks and a heaving chest. She’s nude, save for the harness around her hips, and I cannot believe that she is all mine. Some of her flyaway hairs stick to her sweaty brow, and I get the overwhelming urge to brush smooth my hand over them and press a kiss on her forehead afterwards. And I would have reached up to do it, but then she’s between my legs again. The strap, now slightly cold, but still slick, slides up and over my clit, and I am instantly and forcibly reminded of the intense burning heat in my gut. I was so close to the edge only moments ago, and as she warms up her strap, I am pushed right back towards that edge.

When she’s ready, she holds my legs up and open for her. The tops of my thighs touch my stomach, and I squirm at the feel of my tummy being on display like this. I cringe at the thought of what I must look like, and Wanda must notice because she frowns slightly, her brows drawing together in disapproval. One hand leaves my thigh to cradle my cheek, and she leans in for a lazy kiss, open-mouthed and messy. When she pulls back, her hand finds its way back to my thigh, spreading me open. ‘’You’re stunning every day, my love,’’ she says, sliding the tip of her strap into me, ‘’but when you’re spread like this, ready for my cock, you’re absolutely ravishing.’’

When she slides her cock in all the way, she stays there for just a few moments, resting her forehead against mine. We let out a synchronized sound of contentment. I am beyond relieved to feel her back inside of me, the sense of completion is almost overwhelming. This quiet moment doesn’t last, however, because soon I am squirming against her once more. I grind my hips deliberately, feeling her moving in me. I look down to my lower stomach, where I can just make out the bulge of her cock. And without looking, I can tell she’s watching it too.

Finally, finally, Wanda’s restraint gives out. Using her grip on my thighs as leverage, she pushes into me harshly, driving all the air in my lungs clean out of me. The feel of it is heavenly, and I want to arch my back, contort my face and howl with the pleasure of it. But Wanda can see my face now, and her view of my body makes me uncomfortable. I fight to stay in control of my reaction, fight to make myself look pretty, or at least presentable. Wanda, ever the observer, notices within seconds. ‘’Ah, ah, ah,’’ she chides, ‘’none of that, let it go now, dove. You’re safe with me, I’ve got you, just let go.’’ Mercifully, she leans forward, covering my face with her sheet of long hair, giving me a respite from the ugly feeling of being known. There, under the cover of her hair, and the safety of the crook of her neck, I allow myself to let go.

In this new position, she’s resting most of her body weight on me, and she puts considerable force behind her thrusts. My moans are broken, and desperate, my voice cracking as I beg her to ruin me. I lose track of what precisely I’m saying, but Wanda seems to love it. With easy access to her neck, I lick and suck and bite to my heart's content. She turns her head slightly to make it easier for me to reach, and it’s clear that she’s enjoying herself from the way she shudders every time I run my tongue over the hard muscle in her neck. She moans softly when I bite down her tender skin, not hard enough to make her bleed, just enough to create a pretty red mark. Her moans make my head spin with want. The knowledge of being desired by her, is more erotic to me than any kind of physical touch could be. Wanda Maximoff moaning above me feels like heaven on earth.

It doesn’t take long before Wanda’s movements become more frenzied, and I wonder if she, like me, is impatient for my orgasm to arrive. It’s only when she shifts our position, lowering one of my legs slightly to give herself a better angle, that I realize what is going on. She moans loudly and almost obscenely into my ear, and I wonder how I ever managed to live without having experienced this. Heat, like nothing I’ve felt before, erupts throughout my body. From the very tips of my toes to the ends of my hair, I am utterly incandescent.

Her moans stutter in their rhythm, and I know what’s going to happen. I hold her tightly to me, my mouth on her neck, my legs locked firmly behind her back. ‘’Oh- oh God.’’ She keens, ‘’I- oh- I’m sorry honey, I think I’m gonna-‘’ I detach my mouth from the hickey I’m steadily developing at her pulse point for just long enough to moan out my response, ‘’Come inside me, please, mommy,’’ I plead, my voice obscenely high-pitched and whiney, ‘’you feel so good, please- please.’’

Wanda comes first, and it’s a marvellous fall from grace. She grasps at me, her body pushing into mine so firmly that it feels as though she’s trying to merge us into one. Her moans so close to my ear, and so desperate and needy, finally push me over the edge. My whole body seizes up so forcefully that I worry I might tear a muscle. I hold onto Wanda for dear life as she fucks me through my peak, her cheek pressed to mine as she rides out her own pleasure.

It takes a while for us to come back to ourselves, both still reeling from our release. Wanda stills inside of me, propping herself up to come nose to nose with me. She’s laughing, but I feel beyond exhausted. Still, I encourage her gently to rest her full body weight on me and to keep her cock inside of me for a while. We snuggle like that, not speaking, just breathing each other in. My hand finds her hair and I scratch her scalp softly with my nails. My anxiety is creeping up on slowly, replacing the relaxation in my body steadily with that too familiar uneasy gut feeling.

Even in this state, Wanda picks up on the change in me. I don’t know if I have given her any physical cues, or if she can somehow sense the change in energy, but she notices nonetheless. Without further ado, she makes us get up. I wince at the rawness of my body when she pulls her cock out of me, and Wanda laughs when she sees the state of her neck in the bathroom mirror.

She draws us a bath, throwing in some lavender scented oil, and we both clamber into it on unsteady legs. We wash each other with soft cloths, and talk through some of our experiences of the night. Wanda has a lot of questions for me, which I understand. She wants to know why I didn’t go to her first when I was frustrated, and why I retreated into my head so much when we came face to face in such an intimate moment. But I’m too tired to open those wounds up now, and even the soft light of the bathroom feels too overstimulating on my tired head. So, kind as ever, Wanda accepts that today is not the day, and she merely draws me back to her chest, singing her lullaby to me as we hold each other close.

When the water gets cold, and my head feels a bit clearer, I hop out of the bath to dress myself in something cosy and warm. I have to dash through the bathroom, wrapped in my towel, to grab some clothes from my dresser. I decide against pyjamas, considering we still have guests. So, instead, I settle for a well fitting pair of black joggers and a wonderfully soft roll neck top. According to the clock on Wanda’s night stand, an hour and ten minutes have passed since I first made my way upstairs.

I wonder what everyone else has been doing in the time we’ve been gone, and I wonder too if they know what we’ve been up to. But, I reason with myself, even if they know it won’t be a big deal to them, considering Agatha fucked Kate at the dinner table like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I am beginning to feel the lack of dinner, though, and my stomach growls loudly when I re-enter the bathroom. Wanda has drained the bath by now, but she’s turning the shower head on. ‘’Aren’t you coming downstairs with me?’’ I ask, as I watch her step carefully back into the tub. ‘’I just want to wash my hair quickly, dove,’’ she says over the sound of falling water. ‘’You can go, I’ll join you soon.’’

***

I leave Wanda in the bathroom to take her shower, and head downstairs groggily in search of tea and a snack. I’m quite sure everyone left, because the house is dead silent, but I’m in for a surprise when I walk into the living room intending to pick up a blanket to stave off the chill running through me. Kate occupies the sofa, laying down with my favourite blanket covering her. Pepper and Maria are nowhere to be found, but Agatha is there, reclining in one of the armchairs, a paperback folded double in her hands, her glasses once more perched at the edge of her nose.

She looks up when I enter the room, and suddenly I’m hyper aware of my messed up hair, and I’m grateful to Wanda for helping me to clean up. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if I had come down with my tear streaked makeup. Still, Agatha smiles at me as though I had come down looking freshly fucked.

‘’I bet that was a weight off your shoulders, huh hon?’’ I stare at her blankly, my brain too sluggish to comprehend her words. She laughs, ‘’well, Katie and I went up to the guest bathroom to freshen up after our little session, and it sounds like you two had a marvelous time.’’ Mortified, I raise my hands up to my face to hide myself from her. It was bad enough that Wanda heard that outburst, but the knowledge that Agatha heard, and not just her but Kate too, makes my throat constrict painfully.

Kate shifts on the sofa, turning her face outward and towards me. She’s clearly sleepy, her eyes half closed. ‘’She’s not teasing you,’’ she mumbles, ‘’I know it feels like it, but she isn’t.’’ She yawns hugely, turning over again, and settling the blanket over herself more securely. ‘’That must have felt nice to finally let out.’’

I shrug half-heartedly, embarrassed tears prickling in my eyes. Agatha rises from her chair, plopping her book down onto the seat, and whipping off her glasses. ‘’Come on, we should let Katie rest.’’ With a firm but gentle hand on my lower back, she steers me towards the door, leaving no room for argument. I don’t bother trying to fight it, and I allow myself to be guided through the living room into the bright LED lighted kitchen.

When she lets go of me, I move away from her, hugging myself tightly, wishing Wanda would hurry up already. She leans back comfortably against the kitchen counter, and I feel myself shrink under her gaze. I want to turn around and walk away, or snap at her for looking me with those all-knowing eyes. I hold myself securely, shielding myself from attacks that won’t come, trying to breathe through the discomfort of being known.

‘’I know that you feel dirty’’ Agatha says finally, breaking this awful silence, ‘’you’re ashamed, and you’re afraid of these feelings you can’t make sense of.’’ She steps closer to me, a strong hand outstretched, like a hunter approaching a startled deer in the forest. ‘’One day you’ll learn to proud of these feelings, and it will give you the peace you’ve always craved. But only if you open yourself up, and let us help you.’’

She’s so close to me that I can feel the heat radiating off of her body. She smells like lavender, and the veins of her hand stick out like rivers carving a path through land. Involuntarily, my eyes flit down to her trousers, where her bulge is still visible. A shiver runs through me when I recall Kate writhing on her lap, Agatha’s strong hands holding onto her, delighting in her pleasure, in the way she begged and the words she used. Unashamed, ecstatic, and free.

Fresh tears dribble slowly down my cheeks, and instinctively I turn to face away from her, but she’s too quick for me. In half a heartbeat she has me pressed tightly against her, one hand cradling the back of my head, the other resting on my lower back. She rocks me lightly, shushing me, in a way that is too clinical to be motherly. Still, this display of gentleness from her shocks me so much that I don’t even fight against it, instead I welcome the wave of tears that rolls over me. ‘’I’m disgusting,’’ I manage finally between the tears and the heaving breaths I have to take, ‘’I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’’

She lets go of me now, the moment of affection passing just as quickly as it came. She’s back to scrutinizing me, but now there’s something like pity in her eyes. It makes the underside of my skin itch. ‘’Why do you think you’re disgusting?’’

The notepad is back, arrows and lines and squiggles and stars all over the paper. I didn’t even see where it came from. The lights are too bright, and the counters smell like lemon. It makes me feel somewhat nauseous. I look at the black ink when I speak, deliberately avoiding her gaze.

‘’It’s not natural.’’

Agatha snorts derisively, ‘’depriving children of a loving and nurturing relationship to their parents isn’t natural. This response is nothing but natural. Your brain is protecting you, in the absence of a protector. You are trying to fill in the gaps, in the only way you know how.’’ I hug my chest again, noticing how little comfort I find in my own cold hands, now I’ve felt Agatha’s warm body against mine. ‘’What are you so afraid of?’’ She asks, her pen skirting over the paper. I like to imagine she’s writing my answer down for me.

‘’She’s going to think that I’m weak, and hate me for being so needy. I can’t let this out, because then I won’t know how to go back.’’

Her eyes twinkle when she looks up at me from her paper, the lines by her eyes contracting as she smiles. ‘’Have you spoken to Wanda about this?’’

My head hurts, and I can’t tell if it’s because of the crying, or the bright lights bouncing off of the white marble counter tops. I shake my head, my fingers picking at the skin around my nails, it’s already bleeding.

‘’Do you think you believe she won’t accept this side of you, because you don’t accept it?’’ I close my eyes, agitation returning to me. I’m too tired for this, I’m too tired for anything. ‘’I think you’ve made your judgement already. You clearly think that’s the case.’’

‘’I do,’’ she says, not the slightest bit of venom in her voice, though I had expected it. ‘’Clearly you loathe yourself so much that you’re depriving yourself of any form of love and acceptance she tries to give to you.’’ There is no malice behind this statement, but it still stings, and I flinch as though she has struck me. My nose has closed up from the crying, and I have to breathe through my mouth in an effort to steady myself, trying to hold back the next wave of tears. Agatha is surprisingly patient as I try to collect myself enough to be able to get some words out.

‘’I- I want to accept it.’’ I begin, my voice thick from the tears, ‘’I want it so bad, more than anything else, and I never thought I had an issue with accepting love, but- but…’’ I trail off, shrugging my shoulders half-heartedly, ‘’I don’t know, I’m just so scared uncovering all of this because if she doesn’t like me like this, I don’t know if I could bear it.’’

Agatha nods sagely, patting my arm in a vaguely comforting way. She reaches behind me for the paper towels, ripping off two sheets and handing them to me, so I can dry my eyes and blow my nose. ‘’You need to calm down a bit, alright, hon? I’m going to make us some nice tea, and then you’re going to listen to what I have to say.’’

There is no room for ifs or buts, so I just wipe my tears, and nod along. She kindly gives me a second to sort myself out, turning her back on me to put the kettle on. When my tears are finally dry, she sets a steaming mug of tea in front of me, and directs me to sit at the bar stool. She sits right next to me, so close that our knees touch. Her glasses are back on her nose now, and I’m grateful for the mug because it gives me something to do with my hands.

‘’A mother complex in sapphic women is often viewed as repulsive by outsiders,’’ she begins, her voice reassuring and gentle, ‘’whilst a father complex in heterosexual women is very widely accepted, and people don’t bat an eye at a girl who calls her bed partner daddy,’’ she says, giving me a significant look, ‘’but a girl calling her partner mommy? They can’t cope with it. As a society we’ve been a bit desensitized by the word daddy, because we’ve been taught to accept it in a sexual context. The word mommy hasn’t got the same treatment, so it’s still viewed very much in the context of a mother and child. People find it especially inflammatory when a younger and older woman respectively engage in such a dynamic.’’

She lays a warm hand on my knee, and my skin burns with the contact. ‘’What you feel is normal, your inner child has been so severely neglected that she’s screaming for love and affection. You don’t need your mother, you need your mommy, and those are two entirely separate people.’’

I hang my head, letting out a shaky breath, ‘’I’m so tired of taking care of myself all the time,’’ I admit, my voice shaking. Agatha rubs her hand in gentle circles on my back, ‘’so let go, and trust that we will catch you.’’ Her use of we doesn’t escape me, but I’m too exhausted to question her on this. Her words sound so sweet, and so promising, I want to sink into her and let this all go. I can’t though, I know I can’t give into this temptation. My resolve is breaking, I can feel it, and it’s so hard to not give into her. A compromise then, however much the truth can be a compromise.

‘’I really want to,’’ I begin, and I can already tell that she knows exactly where this is going. Maybe she knew where this day would end when she cornered me in the kitchen for the first time. ‘’But I can’t let myself do this, because I think it’ll ruin me.’’ Agatha gives me a sceptical look, ‘’you’re full of shit, did you know that?’’ I laugh, before I realize how serious her tone is. ‘’You’re going against your nature, and it’s going to end up hurting a lot more than it already is.’’ I shift uncomfortably in my seat, staring at the laces of her shoes. ‘’you don’t know that.’’

She laughs humourlessly, ‘’Which one of us has the PhD, hon?’’ I pull a face, unable to contain myself any longer. ‘’Are you this rude to paying clients?’’ This makes her smile, the curve of her lips breaking the icy cold mask that was previously there. ‘’No, lucky for you, you’re not paying me.’’

‘’I just don’t know how to accept it,’’ I blurt out suddenly, unable to bear this awful tension, knowing she disproves of my choices. ‘’She’s going to think I’m a freak, and she’ll hate me for it, and then I’ll lose her. But I want to let go just like Kate can, I want that so bad. I don’t know how to do that without terrifying Wanda.’’

‘’You underestimate her,’’ Agatha says, ‘’you saw how she was with Pepper and Kate.’’

‘’That’s different,’’ I say evasively, making Agatha roll her eyes. ‘’How is that different?’’ I shrug, ‘’it’s one thing to watch someone else do it, it’s another thing entirely to do it yourself.’’ Apparently that’s notebook worthy, because she scribbles something down messily, the pen excreting a bit more ink than is necessary, staining the paper with a dark blob of ink. ‘’I’ve known Wanda a lot longer than you have, and I’ve known her intimately. She’s insecure, and stubborn and just as afraid of you to admit it to you, but she needs someone to take care of.’’

I stare at the jet black blob of ink, focused on how it seeps into the paper. It bleeds into the thin white sheet like blood sinking into snow. A part of my brain itches with excitement, screaming at me to listen to Agatha. Another part of begins to loosen its grip on the doubt.

‘’If it takes me banging your heads together to make you understand, I will.’’ She says, and I have a feeling that this isn’t a joke. ‘’In the meantime, let’s start small, with something you already know, but that isn’t fully in your comfort zone yet.’’ She pats my knee and smiles at me In a somewhat condescending manner. ‘’When we get back to the living room you’re going to kneel for Wanda, I know you enjoy that, so that should be a nice way to get this ball rolling.’’

I open my mouth to protest, several urgent questions rushing to the forefront of my mind, but she’s way ahead of me, holding up a finger to silence me. ‘’None of that, this isn’t a request, dear. Now, we really should find Wanda, she’s taking an awfully long time up there.’’ She’s up now, and peeking out the door, listening for movement upstairs.

‘’H- how did you know, about the- the kneeling thing.’’ I say weakly. ‘’Hmm?’’ she hums vaguely, still alertly waiting for any signs of life from the upper story of the house. ‘’Oh, Wanda told me ages ago now. She said you were mad for it.’’

‘’Oh.’’ I say dumbly, thinking about Wanda and Agatha chatting about me in such a casual way. I wonder what else she has told her. The thought of it all makes my face burn.

A few more moments pass of the older woman standing guard at the door, before she finally shows a sign of life again. ‘’Wanda’s coming,’’ she warns, pulling my half drunk mug of tea from my hands, and dumping it out into the sink alongside hers. Hardly 10 seconds later I hear her footsteps on the stairs, and I can tell she’s about to walk past the kitchen, but Agatha calls out to her.

‘’There you are,’’ Wanda says from the open doorway, and I’m so relieved to see her again, smiling and happy to see me, even after what happened. She leans against the frame, her hair wet and her shirt damp at the neck, smiling like everything is fine. It gives me hope that maybe everything is fine, and that Agatha is right after all.

Agatha moves past us, muttering something about Pepper and Maria, and an unexpected zoom call. When the door falls closed behind her, Wanda stretches out her arms towards me, inviting me in for a hug. She smells like shampoo, and fresh laundry, and it’s the most comforting smell in the world to me now. She holds me tightly, one hand on my back, and another on the back of my head. We stand there for a while, silently swaying in each other’s arms. I don’t want to let go, so I hold on even when she begins to speak. ‘’Are you sure you don’t want to talk about what happened?’’ she asks, in a voice so gentle that I can’t even bring myself to imagine that she hates me for this. I shake my head as much as I can in this position, and mumble into the crook of her neck, ‘’no, please not tonight.’’ My voice cracks a little bit and I curse myself for this weakness when I feel her squeeze me a little tighter.

The voices from the living room have increased in volume, raucous laughter coming through the closed door. Just like that, the spell is broken, and we let go of each other. I yawn slightly, rubbing at my eyes. ‘’Do you want to go back to bed?’’ Wanda asks, surveying me with a cocked head. ‘’No, it’s okay, let’s go see the others and if I’m too tired I can always go to bed anyway.’’

***

Finally, we move to the living room, where Pepper and Maria have returned and are now laughing over some pictures on Maria’s phone. Kate has moved from the couch and is curled up comfortably between Pepper’s legs, kneeling on the plush carpet. They all smile when we enter, and I hide myself behind Wanda bashfully, flushing at the thought of Agatha or Kate having told them what they heard. They go right back to their conversation, though, and Wanda steers me towards where Pepper is sitting. I can feel Agatha’s eyes on me, and I remember the demand she made of me. Instantly, my heart picks up its pace and I can feel my hands beginning to sweat.

I’m saved from having to make the request, however, because Wanda notices how I haven’t sat down even when she indicated for me to do. She looks between me and Kate, who’s snuggled up close to Pepper. Then, she leans down to whisper in my ear ‘’do you want to sit up here, or kneel with Katie?’’

I fidget slightly, making eye contact, first with Agatha, who gives me a slow nod, and then with Kate, who’s looking up at me with a welcoming smile. ‘’It’s nice down here, you know?’’ she says, her voice friendly and teasing. And her encouragement, combined with Wanda’s reassuring squeeze to my hand, is enough to embolden me to lower myself down to my knees, even with everybody watching me.

Wanda’s fingers find their way into my hair, Pepper and Maria continue with their laughter, Agatha winks at me, her smirk clearly showing her approval, and Kate’s fingers creep towards mine across the carpet, intertwining our fingers and squeezing in a gesture of sisterhood. It feels like she’s saying, see? Isn’t this nice?

And it is, it really is. I squeeze back, and hope she knows what I mean.

━━━━━━━━━ ✯¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿•*`¨*`•.¸✯ ━━━━━━━━━

Taglist:

@swirlofsnow @emeraldevan @ichala @romeo-the-cactus @lainjupi @lissaaaa145 @princessprudy @333hhm @im-my-hope @inluvwithfictionalwomen @imthenatynat @imnotawitch @gay-trash-in-a-paperbag @messuhp @loudsharkface @ripofflizzie @alwaysbimyself @how-to-disappearrr @s1ut4nat @cookiesimpt

Next chapter ➵➵

#little dove au #char writes #c: wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff x female reader

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graceisinthelibrary · 3 months

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Would you like to do the kissing prompt 41, because the world is saved?

That's one lovely prompts, though I fear I mixed prompt 40 (A kiss because the world ends) and prompt 41 with this one 😂🙈

Darrowby, April 1943

When Audrey rushed back into the house through the back door it was after seven o’clock. She had spent a long afternoon at Pumphrey Hall with other women who worked for the Women’s Institute, actually the whole meeting had taken far longer than expected and now she was running late. Her head was still spinning from the chatter and - she had to admit it - from the three glasses of sherry.

The kitchen was empty though, not even the dogs had been waiting for her.

She called out for Siegfried and Helen, but neither of them appeared. Then she yelled after the dogs and they didn’t show up either. Her irritation about the deafening silence grew, but she decided to get on with supper anyway. Usually the smell of food lured them all back into the kitchen sooner or later. She quickly took off her coat and hat and fetched her apron. Thanks to her meticulous planning she only had to warm up some leftovers from the evening before. After she had turned on the radio, she went into the pantry to get out the pots and bowls. With a cheerful tune on her lips she collected everything she needed and almost dropped everything when she turned around and saw Siegfried standing in the doorway.

“Goodness!” She exclaimed. “You startled me…” She frowned when she noticed the crumpled page in his shaking hand. Travelling up to his face confirmed her hunch that something terrible had happened. His bloodshot eyes and his open waistcoat spoke volumes about his state of mind. He looked like a man who was facing the abyss. The end of his existence. It had been ages since she had seen him in a state like this. When she had first started working for him she had sometimes found him like this in his study in the middle of the night.

Drunk, hopeless, alone, scared.

In those days she had sometimes not just feared for his sanity, but his life.

She quickly put the food away and rushed towards him. Fearing for the worst, she tried to free the piece of paper he was holding, but his grip was tight, almost desperate.

“Is it James?” She asked, her voice thin and shaking. “Don’t tell me it’s Tris…” She cupped his face with both hands and stroked it with all the tenderness her heart harboured for him. “Please, love, talk to me!” She begged. Finally he handed her the letter and she snatched it greedily and scanned the lines as quickly as she could…

“...Shoulder blade…military hospital…passage…Loss of blood…” When she looked up, tears, hot and overwhelming, were swimming in her eyes. “He’s coming home,” she uttered and her fingers were clawing into the back of his neck when she pulled him against her. “He’s alive and he’s coming home, Siegfried.”

“I know,” he croaked and buried his face in the crook of her neck. His hot tears wetted her skin as he desperately clung to her as if his life depended on it.

Violent sobs, emerging from the depths of his strong body shook her, but she could take it. He used to call her his stalwart and she drew the strength she needed from that.

Tris had been heavily injured and soon he would be home, where they could take care of him and love him. They could have lost him, but they didn't. Siegfried's biggest nightmare and his biggest hope combined in one.

She gently caressed his neck and his back, trying to ease the tension in his muscles while her own tears of relief rolled over her face.

“If something happened to you, it would be the end of me.” She had never forgotten these words, they had haunted her for the years to come, because if they lost Tris, she would lose Siegfried too. And now it had almost happened and she inwardly cried out her thanks to the Lord, because she had been spared the worst. The end of her little world.

“I love you,” he whispered into her hair and later against her lips, before he involved her into a long, possessive kiss that sucked the air out of her lungs. She tasted his desperation as well as his deep love for her and kissed him back with everything she had to give. Life affirming fire spread through her veins as he pushed her against the shelf and pulled up her skirt, and the door fell shut behind them.

Now that one of their boys was coming home again, wounded, scarred and possibly broken, their world felt a bit safer. Not whole, not entirely, because the wounds the war had caused were too deep to be mended, but it was enough to go on in hope.

#acgas 2020 #all creatures great and small #siegfried farnon #audrey hall #siegfried x audrey #fanfiction #writing prompt #prompt

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carefulfears · 8 months

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i know we’re all gonna be really surprised at my “favorite character” answer for txf30 and i’m proud to have contributed a truly obscene amount of mulder apologia this year, but when i was going through tweets yesterday, i found this one

(this got vulnerable and i turned reblogs back on for now but y'all please be conscious xxx)

that's from my first week watching the show, and it's the first thing that i really connected to. it's hard to move through the world having seen the worst of it. i think you reach this point after trauma where like...you've already had to process so much of it and kind of piece a life back together, in a way, and you're just left with the damage done to your worldview. the way you see yourself, the way you see other people. and that's permanent and hard in a way that's really isolating.

and mulder knows how difficult it is, because he tries not to do it. he tries to find better. he's smart and he's aware and he was "the best" and "scary" at catching serial killers, getting in the minds of "monsters"; he knows so intimately and so completely what people are capable of. luther lee boggs "kills because he likes it," mulder is "the only one who truly understands what he is."

he just wants more, he wants more for people. he wants to believe that the world is good, that people are good, that there's some other explanation. he thinks people deserve more, and that they do want to take care of each other, all to the contrary.

when i watched sein und zeit/closure, i remember seeing this post:

the whole arc of the show was always supposed to be that Mulder would overcome his obsession with conspiracy and face the humanness of his grief, accept it, and still find hope in what was left. It was never about grand espionage, it was about living with inescapable trauma, being stuck in the worst night of your life, keeping others stuck in there with you.

and i literally just fell out crying and sobbed all night. because it is hard, but you have to make something out of the cards you were dealt. and after seven seasons of relentless hope and wishful thinking, mulder was always going to have to come to terms with grief, with loss, with trauma. it couldn't go on forever. and that's what closure, as an episode, is all about: there is no closure, but there's support, there's grace.

there are a lot of things i really love about mulder, he is a sci-fi hero whose only personality traits are crying and believing women. he wears goofy ties and talks about aliens in public. he's the best. and there are a lot of things i love about this show, a lot of convoluted reasons that i'm grateful to have watched it. but it's when i think about that night 6 months ago, literally weeping on a bathroom floor, that i feel the most moved, and connected to the things that i avoid. in a way, a lot of us create methods and worlds to escape our realities. it may not be alien abduction, but it may be professionalism, or humor, or caretaking, or academia. a lot of us are stuck in our worst nights, and have curated an image outside of it. but what struck me about mulder in the beginning, and how he grew from it by the end, is that for as much as the series was structured around his coping methods, he was always meant to lose them. and "maybe there's hope," still.

#ignore her she drinks #just rambling idgaf

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plethomacademia · 4 months

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UM LAURA can you please share more about that modern gort thing you mentioned in tags lol i must know….. 👁️👁️

Oh yes I last posted about this before I got some followers. People were talking in a discord about modern versions of their dark urges and since I see Maeve primarily as a charismatic cult leader who is really just a thinly veiled way for me to explore how women are treated in our culture anyway that she would be like an influencer, Gwyneth Paltrow wannabe type.

I listen to A LOT of the podcast Maintenance Phase and I think she would be a worst of the worst, that woman people are trying to cancel but really she has keyed into how to lean in, girlboss her way to the fame that she craves.

I do think though, she doesn't make TONS of money from this. No, her money comes primarily from her long term husband, modern Gort who is a Lockheed Martin type executive. Neither of them have killed anyone directly in my modern version but I think they both indirectly have killed or injured SO MANY PEOPLE. His via making and putting weapons out into the world, her by maybe actually poisoning people but definitely causing a lot of people to harm themselves.

They have 2-3 kids (by surrogate), they have a big house somewhere, idk where he would need to be located but I imagine it's beautiful kept and barely lived in by the adults (the kids are raised primarily by staff).

Maeve definitely keeps an apartment in a city, Gort lives out of hotels, and they definitely have multiple side pieces. They probably only interact twice a month, but they are very weirdly in love with each other. They have been together before either of them made it big and if one felt threatened, the other would swoop in. Any rumors don't stick because you see them at some event she drags him to and its so obvious they are DEEPLY in love with each other, no matter how many times she is photographed with other people. I wrote a drabble here for it but otherwise it mostly lives as a discord joke and also in my brain. I know we love a modern AU but probably not one as depressing as the one I am constructing!

#maeve #modern au #i also have thought a lot about like the terrible things rich people casually do #like paying for a surrogate was at least consensual and they were probably kind bc its their kids #but all the ways rich people commodify living human beings?#yeah they are doing that #i truly hate them as people and the more i hate them the better i think i am capturing what i am going for

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hahnspoetrywrites · 2 months

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I Love You, I'm Glad I Exist (Abbey Smith (Misfits) x fem!reader)

A/N: i love abbey with my heart and soul and she deserves all the happiness in the world

Warnings: mentions of SA, violence, blood, kissing, dirtbag drunk man at the bar, jess and alex being a bit insensitive (mainly jess), please let me know if i've missed any!!!

Word Count: 4.6k (i'm so sorry it's a longer one)

AO3

Whenever you were all at the bar Abbey always sat next to you, arm wrapped behind you as you leant against her. This was usually what happened when the community service gang hung out. Rudy was usually chatting about some random woman he got with, Finn was usually pining after Jess, Jess was always after Alex the bar man, but you were happy cuddled up next to Abbey. You were never sure if she knew you’d liked her or not (heck, you weren’t even sure if she liked women) but you’d always savour this time with her. She never complained, if anything sometimes she’d pull you closer. Her hand sometimes caressed your hip, sometimes your shoulder, sometimes your arm. The second you’d all leave the bar, however, she’d leave without so much as a goodbye. It always stung, no matter how hard you tried to deny it.

Tonight had started out no differently than any other. You guys had moved to frequent your usual booth as one member ordered drinks. Abbey seemed more distant today, choosing to sit away from you on the opposite side of the booth. You took a deep breath. It doesn’t sting, it doesn't sting, you thought to yourself repeatedly. Rudy eyed you cautiously. He knew your power all too well.

You could share your emotions with people through touch and in turn, feel other people's emotions. You could sense their emotions from a distance but when you touched them, it became intense. You weren’t the best at opening up before the storm, bottling up as much as you could. But post-storm… it got so much worse. When your ex tried to touch you after weeks of avoiding it, they went flying into the kitchen table, your fear getting the best of you as they touched your cheek. Safe to say they didn’t come anywhere near you after that. You made a conscious effort to avoid touch, or any sort of attachment for that matter. The community service team somehow wormed their way into your heart, after you’d spent months avoiding as many people as possible. One member in particular had your heart, but you wouldn’t let them get too close. Your worst fear was hurting anyone else you loved, you’d lost enough people because of this power, you wouldn’t lose any more.

Only Rudy knew what your power really was. Rudy made the mistake of touching your bare arm when you were deeply upset and you accidentally sent him flying into the mirrors in the community centre’s locker room. You had to hide it, which meant suppressing your true feelings about everything. Your anger, sadness, anxiety, joy, happiness. You always hid it, the happier emotions tended to slip away but the negative ones continued to boil and bubble. You very rarely let go and released them.

Rudy shuffled up closer, accidentally brushing his arm against your bare forearm as he did so, making him shudder.

“You need to deal with all that at some point. Can’t keep bubbling it up, it’ll hurt that beautiful noggin of yours.” Rudy whispered, he always had a way with words, but this was sweet. He did truly care about you. He hated seeing you hurting in any way.

“I’ll be fine Rudy, I promise. I don’t wanna talk about it,” You tried to keep your voice level, but you struggled when you noticed Abbey staring at a guy at the bar. You didn’t want to assume because that was never fair, but she’d never spoken about women in any way that made you think she’d like them. Her eyes travelled down his entire body, taking in his figure. You felt sick to your stomach. Why did you always fall for people who would never like you back?

The drinks hitting the table pulled you away from your thoughts, Finn sitting on the other side of you. He grimaced at your facial expression before pushing a beer in front of you.

“What’s got you all miserable?” Finn asked, just as Abbey left the table, approaching the man at the bar.

“Oh. That.” Finn remarked as he took a swig from his beer.

“I don’t get why you like her so much.” Jess commented, they never really got along, but that was not your business.

“Jess, it’s true love! You can’t deny something like true love. It’s sacrilege… or at least it’s illegal.” Rudy explained, saving you from having to explain your feelings. Rudy turned to face you and winked not-so-subtly. Jess rolled her eyes. Abbey disappeared with the bloke at the bar, making your stomach tighten once more.

“It’s alright babe,” Rudy tried to comfort you but it was no use. You’d have to accept she was never going to like you. You didn’t see her for most of the night, sitting in the same spot as everyone moved around, mingling with other people, maybe even leaving with them like Abbey had. You didn’t have the energy to mingle with people, holding all your anger and sadness was starting to become unbearable.

“Now, what’s a pretty thing like you sitting here all alone?” A tall man approached your table, his smile slightly sinister as he took a seat without asking.

“I’m here with friends.” You replied swiftly, not wanting to entertain him.

“Well, I don’t see them. I think they left you, sweetheart.” His tone was condescending, giving a little smirk in your direction. You looked around for anyone in your group when your eyes landed on Rudy, who was still here and, for once, not flirting with a girl.

“Rudy!” You called, grateful he was still here. He glided over, sliding in next to you before elbowing your side gently.

“You alright, cherub?” He was drunk, you could tell. He only got more inventive with nicknames after a few.

“Who’s this cheeky chappie?” He leaned forward, extending his hand to shake the man’s.

“Jake. And you are?” He looked annoyed and you smirked internally.

“I am Rudy. The great and incredible Rudy. Here to offer and provide my services.” He shook Jake’s hand vigorously until he pulled his hand away forcefully.

“Man’s got some grip!” Rudy exclaimed before laughing wildly. You noticed out of the corner of your eye, Abbey had returned to the bar but you didn’t spare her a proper glance as she walked right past the table and over to where Jess was chatting to Alex.

“I’m gonna get a drink.” You blurted out, interrupting whatever story Rudy was telling Jake. Jake stood immediately, offering to get you a drink. You declined politely, not wanting him anywhere near you. You squeezed past Rudy and walked over to the bar, leaning against it when Abbey noticed you. She approached you warily, her clothed arm touching your bare one slightly. You yanked your arm away, making her sigh in annoyance.

“Who shoved a stick up your arse today then, huh?” Abbey remarked, rolling her eyes when you scoffed.

“I don’t have a stick up my arse, thank you very much.” You couldn’t bring yourself to look at her, feeling your stomach doing flips at an alarming speed.

“You’ve been giving me dirty looks all evening, you barely spoke to me during community service today, you don’t seem to be paying attention to me unless I’m with a guy. Not to mention you’ve barely touched any of your drinks. Rudy’s been drinking them all according to Jess. Babe, you know you can talk to me, right?” Abbey tried her best at sounding sincere but it came off as condescending.

“I’m alright, thanks for the offer though, babe. “ Your anger began radiating off of you at an alarming level. You had to leave. You pushed past Abbey and out of the bar, feeling the cold air hit your bare arms and face, your skin immediately reacting. You rounded the corner down the alley to catch your breath. You heard the bar door open and close, praying it wasn’t Abbey.

“Hey, I saw you leave… Are you okay?” It was Jake. He approached you, boxing you in against the wall of the bar. One of his hands braced the wall next to your head, the other almost touching your face.

“I-I Yeah. I just- I just need some space. Please.” You tried to remain calm but he was too close for comfort. You could feel his hot breath against your cheek as you tried to pull yourself away but he had you trapped.

“I think you owe me an apology. You weren’t very nice to me back there, you’ve been eyeing me all night, you can’t deny.” He pressed you up against the wall with his body, his thigh sliding itself between your legs. You squirmed, trying to push him off of you but you had no strength against him. You hadn’t even seen him before he sat down, you didn’t want to chat or get to know anyone.

“Stop. Stop! Get off me!” He just pushed you into the wall harder, feeling the brick wall’s harsh surface against your back.

“I don’t think so.” His hand found your hair and pulled harshly, exposing your throat for him to bite and kiss roughly. You wanted to scream, to cry, to do something but you knew you’d risk losing control if you did. As his lips touched your skin you could feel his anger, his resentment towards your unofficial rejection. His desire to overpower you. It made you want to vomit. His thigh began moving between your legs, creating unwanted friction.

“I can feel how desperate you are, god you are pathetic. Such a pathetic little whore.” He slammed his thigh against your core painfully, making you whimper. The hand bracing the wall moved down your body, moving towards the hem of your jeans. As his hands moved to undo the button, you could hear the bar door open.

“Keep quiet.” He whispered against your cheek. He attempted to kiss you but you pulled your head away violently. His hand wrapped around your throat and squeezed, making you cough.

Someone began to walk round, recognising the sound of Abbey’s boots, you prayed she’d find you.

“Babe, can we talk? I think we…” As she walked round the corner, her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared. She was furious, and you hoped it wasn’t aimed at you.

“What the fuck?” She glared at you incredulously.

“Ab-Abbey please. Pl-please-” He squeezed tighter, making her wheeze painfully.

“I thought you were different. I really did.” Abbey continued to berate you, approaching you slowly.

“Turns out you’re a whore like the rest of us.” Abbey’s eyes held a glimmer of heartbreak, of sadness and you couldn’t hold it in. You screamed in pain when he began to touch you, the raw power of your emotions sending him flying across the pavement, landing on the floor with a painful thump. You fell to your knees as your screams died down, collapsing down into the pavement and letting the darkness take over momentarily.

You felt blinding hot pain sear through your body as you regained consciousness, making you writhe in pain as you returned to your own body. Your breathing was rapid and uneven, your eyes were clamped shut. You just exploded in front of Abbey. God, you could’ve hurt her, killed her even! Your pain was the least of your worries at that moment. You could hear grunting and groaning, someone yelling but it was distant. The blinding pain began to slowly subside, allowing you to refocus on what was going on. You slowly opened your eyes, feeling Rudy’s hand against your hair as he smiled at you.

“Abbey! She’s awake.” He called out, you tried to speak but no sounds came out apart from quiet squeaks. Abbey rushed over, the panic in her eyes evident as she came into view.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry that I said those things to you but you needed to blow and it was the only way I could get you to react, I’m sorry.” Abbey’s hand caressed your hair softly.

“It’s okay,” You croaked. You sat up slowly, Abbey’s hands immediately moving to guide you upwards.

“He’s only unconscious, he should be okay. You’re lucky there’s CCTV here. They can see everything.” Rudy pointed out and you nodded. You didn’t really care about CCTV at that moment. You couldn’t stop staring at where that man’s body laid unconscious. You nearly killed Abbey. You hadn’t noticed Abbey’s hand moving to hold yours, allowing her to feel what you were feeling, to know every detail of your emotions. She gasped at the intensity of everything but shared it with you, feeling your shoulders get lighter as her other hand moved to stroke your hair.

“Hey, hey… Look at me.” Abbey’s voice was calm, gentle as your eyes shifted from the unconscious body to Abbey’s familiar blueish-grey eyes.

“I’m here, babe. I’m here.” Abbey made an effort to block your vision of where he laid as Jess and Finn walked out of the bar.

“Oh fuck.” Jess’ voice was loud and brash as she observed the scene and Abbey turned to give her a disapproving look.

“So she’s the only one out of all of us who has a power actually worth having? Fuck, that’s so annoying.” Jess walked towards the unconscious man and laughed, kicking his leg to see if he’d wake up.

“Jess, shut the fuck up.” Abbey snapped.

“Yeah, Jess. Girls just been through the worst and you wanna mock her? Bit insensitive, that!” Rudy and Jess began to bicker as Abbey turned to look back at you, seeing tears gathering in your eyes. You looked down, noticing her hand which was holding yours had bloodied knuckles, the skin slowly turning purple with bruises. You couldn’t stop your tears from falling and noticed one landing on her bruised skin. The hand caressing your hair moved to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you into Abbey’s body tightly as you began to cry. You wrapped your arms around Abbey, pulling your hand out of Abbey’s to cling to her tightly. Abbey gently shushed your muffled cries as you buried your face in her chest.

“I’ve got you, baby. I’m not going anywhere, it’s alright.” You could feel her lips press against your head, featherlight as she held you close. Jess, Finn and Rudy continued to bicker, but Abbey was more worried about getting you out of here.

It was too loud for you, their arguing was hurting your head and making you cry more. Abbey could feel it, she could feel how tense and upset you were, your distress building up in her body. She was unsure how much she would feel, if it was only fragments or if it was wholly transmitted through your touch. She wouldn’t ask now, it wasn’t the right time.

“Will you let me take you home, baby?” Abbey asked, feeling you nod against her chest as one of your ears settled against her chest.

“I’m going to cover your ears. Need to tell these knobheads to shut up.” You nodded once more as her hand moved to cover your other ear. Their arguing muffled, her warm hand cupping the ear not pressed against her chest. You squeezed your eyes tightly as Abbey began yelling at the other three, but remembered you were safe in her arms.

“OI! Would you lot shut the fuck up? Your arguing isn't helping her and you’re making her feel worse,” they all fell silent, noticing you shaking in Abbey’s arms and Abbey’s own angry demeanour, “I’m going to take her home and make sure she’s okay.”

You felt her hand come away from your ear as she removed herself from you. You couldn’t stop yourself from whimpering slightly at her pulling away but she was quick to stand, offering you a hand to pull you up. As you stood, your legs were shaky but Abbey was quick to wrap an arm around your waist. Her lips found your temple as the others mumbled half hearted apologies towards you (apart from Rudy, who was genuinely sorry and worried about you).

Abbey began walking away with you close by when Rudy rushed up behind them.

“Uh… Could you, like, let me know when you get back safe please? And Abbey, don’t leave her alone tonight, yeah? She’s gonna need someone there for her and I think you’re the best one to be there,” Rudy tried to be sincere but missed the mark.

“I will, Rudy, don’t worry. I think I need to have a chat with her when we get back anyway.” Abbey smiled at you sweetly but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at her. She was probably going to reject you once you got back to your flat. Rudy handed Abbey your small bag too, making sure all your belongings were there before you both set off.

Abbey was gentle the entire walk back, her hand on your waist distracting you from any other thoughts trying to permeate your brain. It was soft but firm, her thumb stroking softly. Your flat was a 15 minute walk away from the bar you all frequented, but it felt like 2 seconds with Abbey. The moment you entered your home she let go of your waist, turning on lights and helping you remove your shoes by the doorway before removing her own. Your apartment was small. The kitchen and living room combined in one space, with a small bathroom and slightly bigger bedroom. It wasn't amazing, but it was home. Abbey admired the decorations as she guided you to your sofa, smiling at how it already felt like home to her. It felt so perfectly and completely you, it felt safe to her.

“Can I make you some tea or something?” You asked her, trying to be a good host. As Abbey sat you down, she exhaled a laugh.

“Sweetheart, don’t you worry about me. I’ll make us some tea, yeah?” Abbey’s hand cupped your cheek, pressing a soft kiss against your skin before walking to the kitchen.

She felt electrified when her lips touched your bare skin. It was warm, soft, and full of deep love. Love you’d hidden from her for far too long. As she made tea, she watched your nervous form on the sofa, noticing your foot tapping continuously against the floor. Abbey felt guilty, knowing she was mostly the cause of your distress. She’d pushed you away and messed with your feelings, being so overly affectionate and caring but never taking it any further than holding you. She never considered how that would mess with you or your feelings, but she’d never felt this way about anyone. This was all entirely new.

As she brought both your drinks back to the sofa, she realised how much her hand hurt from the punches she gave that guy. Glancing down as she settled your cups onto your coffee table, she saw how bruised her knuckles were. You couldn’t help but notice too.

“Your-your hands… you need to ice them. I think I’ve got-” Before Abbey could stop you, you’d rushed into the kitchen to find something in your freezer. You quickly grabbed a random bag of frozen vegetables from a drawer, wrapping it in the tea towel you had discarded by the sink this morning and returned to sit next to Abbey. You placed it on top of her bruised knuckles gently, feeling guilty when she grimaced at the initial contact.

“I never did thank you,” You began, avoiding eye contact with her choosing instead to stare at her hands.

“For what?” Abbey was genuinely confused, what were you thanking her for? Beating the everloving crap out of the man who tried to hurt you? You didn’t need to thank Abbey for that, she would’ve done that for you in a heartbeat, no matter who it was. No one hurts you and gets away with it.

“For- for helping me. And getting me to explode at him, I-I don’t want to think about what might’ve happened had you not-” Her free hand moved to cup your cheek, her thumb stroking softly.

“Let’s not think about that, you’re here with me. You’re safe, no one’s gonna hurt you like that ever again.” Abbey tilted your head up to look at her, your eyes darting down to her lips then back up to her eyes.

“I- I know you know. How I feel, I mean.” You needed to tell her it was okay if she didn’t want to be with you. It would hurt like hell but you would manage.

“Babe-”

“No, Abbey. It’s okay. I know you felt it… I did too. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me or like me in that way. Just because you know how I feel doesn’t mean you have to… y’know.” You hated this, her knowing but not feeling the same way. It stung more than you thought it would and you weren’t sure you could handle it.

“It doesn’t matter. None of it does, I don’t wanna be a burden or hold you back from being with the person you wanna be with. I’ll move on, I know I will with time. You don’t need to worry about me, you can find someone else. We don’t have to be around each other either, if it’ll make things eas-” Abbey’s lips captured your own, not wanting to hear anything else. You made a conscious effort not to touch her anywhere else, scared of overwhelming her with your emotions, but when her other hand drifted up your loose top to caress your back, your hands reached for her immediately. The frozen vegetables fell to the floor as your hands held her waist, trying your hardest to keep your emotions in line when Abbey pulled away, a few inches from your lips and whispered against them.

“Let go, baby. Let it all go,” She encouraged as she kissed you slowly, deeply, and you couldn’t help but let your emotions go. You let them wash over you and pass gently through Abbey, before they dispersed into the air. It was the first time you felt like you were in control. Abbey felt your overwhelming emotions gradually fade into something more manageable, something you could control. The hand cupping your cheek moved to take one of your hands on her waist, your lips moving in sync with each other as her tongue gently explored your mouth. Your stomach was full of butterflies, fluttering around as her mouth slowed down and moved back to more tender kisses.

“No, baby. I don’t want anyone else,” she said between kisses, “I don’t want to move on, I don’t want to see you with anyone else. I didn’t know what to do… I’d never felt this way about anyone and I was scared. Scared of getting hurt but terrified of hurting you.” Abbey confessed. You struggled to believe her, but when her hand squeezed yours tighter you could feel it. Abbey was telling the truth. Her nose brushed yours gently as she stole another kiss.

“Seems I’ve already done that though, haven’t I?” Abbey asked, melancholic with her tone.

“No, no Abbey. You didn’t hurt me, I should've been honest with you. I just wasn’t sure how to tell you… or if you even liked girls.”

Abbey pulled away a little further than before and you yearned for that close contact with her once more.

“I think I did more to hurt myself but I’m glad you know. I’m assuming you feel the same way too?” Your voice betrayed you as it quivered slightly, but Abbey once again reassured you with a small kiss.

“I never felt right with guys and not just the sex, it was everything. There was never a connection. With you, everything feels right, there’s no confusion, no doubt, no questioning it. I thought about it on the walk back, how I never felt right without you by my side at the bar, how I always felt comfortable talking to you about anything and everything at community service. I know Laura didn’t want me around but it didn’t always feel right, but you do.”

You felt more tears spring to your eyes. Abbey was so excited when Laura came around. When she found out she was her imaginary friend brought to life, she felt like she knew why she existed, she finally knew her purpose. But when Laura began to feel uncomfortable and rejected her , Abbey couldn’t understand what had happened or what she’d done wrong. Laura had created her so surely she was meant to be with her, but when Laura turned her down it made her question her existence altogether. Why was she here if she wasn’t meant to make Laura happy? Why did she exist if that wasn’t what she was made for? It hurt her more than she cared to admit and found herself asking these questions every day. Then you fell into her life. Everything made sense again. She didn’t want to let herself get hurt again but, more importantly, she didn’t want to hurt you.

“You’re the one for me, babe.” Abbey smiled, pressing one more kiss to your lips. You smiled in response but failed to stifle a yawn in the process.

“I think you need to get some rest baby, c’mon.” Abbey stood, pulling you up with her. You immediately crashed into her body, hugging her tightly as Abbey reciprocated.

“You’ll stay with me… right?” You asked, worried she’d leave you alone.

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” She pressed a kiss to your hair before guiding you to your bedroom.

The room was painted soft green, your bedsheets matching with a few decorative pillows and one or two squishmallows sat on top. It was clearly lived in, some clothes strewn on the floor, jewellery sat on top of a dresser covered in different products. Your bedside table was messy, a water bottle sat next to the lamp and a pile of 3 or 4 books were propped up by a fake flower pot.

“I’m sorry it’s such a mess right now,” Your face flushed as you realised you’d left your clothes in a heap on the floor after your rushed shower this morning, including your underwear.

“It’s alright, don’t worry. Let’s get into bed,” Abbey helped you shimmy out of your jeans and into your pyjama shorts, turning away as you removed your top and bra to put your sleep shirt on. Abbey then guided you to your bed, lifting the comforter up and watching you slide into your bed. Before Abbey could move away, you looked back up at her with those pleading eyes and she couldn’t resist.

“Can I borrow a shirt to sleep in?” You nodded, pointing at one of the draws on your dresser. She grabbed the first one, changing into your oversized plain black shirt. She was so beautiful and you blushed when she removed her jeans, her slender, toned legs were gorgeous. She left her underwear on before turning to face you, crawling up the bed before settling next to you. You wrapped yourself around her, feeling her featherlight lips leave kisses along your neck and jaw.

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” She whispered against your cheek, kissing your soft skin. As you cuddled her, you felt safe. Her scent was soft like vanilla and slightly almondy, bringing you more comfort as you settled in to sleep. Once Abbey saw your eyes gently shut, she pressed one more kiss to your temple, her lips ghosting your skin as she spoke one last sentence before you drifted.

“I love you. I’m glad I exist.”

#abbey misfits #abbey smith #abbey smith (misfits) x reader #abbey (misfits) x reader #abbey misfits x reader #natasha o'keeffe

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