#ppls superficiality just makes me sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

homosexualasstransbian · 2 months

Note

im transfem/nonbinary and honestly the whole cutesy uwu anime girl puppy girl aesthetic is making me feel ill. i recently got harrassed by a cis woman chaser who saw the transflag in my bio and started talking to me in this really weird overly cutesy way and started flirting with me, i told her im taken and not interested and this is weird and she said something like "oki u silly transie, if u ever need a girly to do something for you im here, cuz nornal girls are boring" and then the next day she sent me some image of some anime girl w/ the caption "im not like other girls, i have a massive cock" and asked "this u?" and she was so weird and gross and overly cutesy. and like the fact im trans is part of me and im proud of it but i want to be seen as me, as a person, as smthn beyond arbitrary boxes. thats why im nonbinary, i dont wanna be forced into some made up vague perception of how i have to be and instead just be me and do my own thing. i dont label my sexuality either but im pretty sure im like pretty aromantic. greyromantic or whatever its called. and my sexuality i kinda tie together with my romantic attraction, so its often incredibly odd to me how prevalent sexual language and stuff is online and how weirdly its treated as smthn normal, especially in more queer communities. and when i feel terrible and get support online, ppl will say ooo ur pretty ooo ur cute dont be sad and downplay it when i need someone to talk to qnd need to be acknoledged beyond how i physically am, it makes me feel rlly objectified and like my only value is in the fact that i am trans and how i look, and its my only thing and the only way ppl refer to me and boil me down to. but i dont want to be some cutesy meme girl, i want ppl to acknowledge me and what i do and like and love and enjoy and hate and dislike and think and say, i want to be seen and understood regardless of and beyond my transness. because im a raw, living breathing human person thats infinitely complex, and i just wanna be me and do what i enjoy. i dont want my personality boiled down to superficial aspects of me that exists solely because outside society needed a label for it to ostrasize or fetishize it. im sorry for the long rant its just rlly frustrating, especially when you try to find communities and its just so weirdly sexual and condescending and objectifying 😭

hey unfortunately, i do not have the mental capacity to be able to read all of this and actually respond to it, i just lose 80% of the ask once I'm finished reading, so I'll just say: damn fuck that cis bitch.

While i get that after your experiences this "aesthetic" might make you feel ill, i really don't see why i should be told this.

I do not choose the way i present to other people because it's what i feel i should look or act like, i act however feels good to me. the reason my blog looks like this is because, put simply, i like it.

I may not be just a puppy, girl or gay, in fact the most accurate way to describe me would be "thing that should not be alive as far as anyone knows, but it persists, it's also a puppy that is a girl, a robot, a void and divine flesh"

but i go with my current aesthetic, username, and whatever else because they're the descriptions I'm most confident in, they make me feel nice, i love them.

I am quite literally a tranny girl faggot that acts like a puppy sometimes.

Sometimes i feel like I'm a shattered vessel built of divine flesh that's empty and yet so completely full.

Sometimes i wish my flesh melted away, permanently fusing me with the outer shell of a mech.

None of my identities are fully separate or stable, but they also feel distinct enough that i only choose one at a time (and even then sometimes they can split apart).

I don't act like this because i wanna be "haha silly cute trans girl that's an adorable puppy and is so so overly sexual", it's just what i act like, in general, if I don't worry about pretending to be someone else.

I guess put simply: if you don't like me: fucking leave, block me, get rid of me, i won't hold it against you, I'll continue to do what i like, the way i like doing it, because this is my blog.

i forgot where i was going with this post, y'all just get this really long one i guess.

15 notes · View notes

the-paper-monkey · 5 months

Note

(I know you must be so done with answering questions about TTC, but seeing you answer them has unfortunately made me brave to ask one too! Sorry) I wanted to know what was on Tom's mind at the end, with him blushing when Draco told him he loves him, asking him to repeat and all. He doesn't process emotions like most ppl, so it makes me curious as to how he's taking it all, what he's thinking and feeling, why he's so 'agreeable'. I just think he's being so cute, but sometimes on the inside tho...

I'm always, always happy to answer questions about the behind the scenes of my fics, so please don't feel uncomfortable about asking them!

It's kind of difficult to describe his exact emotional state most of the time, because it's kind of a clusterfuck in there and he wouldn't even be able to describe his own feelings. E.g. you put him in front of a therapist (dosed up on veritaserum), ask him how xyz makes him feel, and his honest answer would be "I don't know" or "that makes me angry" — even when the most accurate description might be sad, embarrassed, ashamed or afraid. He's far from introspective.

That being said, I would say in those scenes you can pretty much take Tom at face value. And honestly? It's a full mental meltdown for him LOL. He never asked for Draco's love, never consciously tried to win it and, quite frankly, has no idea what to do with it. He'd always seen love as weak, dangerous and worthy of contempt — it's what killed his mother, after all. To be loved or to have loved must be something he sees as unnecessary, because the alternative is that he is deficient, and there's very little he can do to change that.

When he asks Draco to repeat himself, he's essentially saying, 'I like how I feel when you say that, but I'm entirely unwilling to unpack why'. He likes that Draco loves him, and wants to hear him say it again and again. He isn't even aware that asking Draco to repeat himself is perhaps an even more vulnerable act than actually reciprocating the confession.

As for his agreeable mood, well, Tom's really just in a good mood because they've finally resolved over a month worth of drama (his words... not Draco's). And Tom in a good mood is Tom in an indulgent mood. In general, Draco always gets what he wants — as established when he slept in Tom's bed on the very same night they met. Tom just usually puts up more superficial resistance than he is in those closing scenes.

#asks #anon #ttc #“drama” = bf upset bc he thinks (correctly) that u used him to gain info that'll make u a better blood thirsty tyrant in the future #“drama” = bf uncomfortable w/ the fact that a future version of u tortured and terrorised him and his fam and u did not disclose this #“drama” = bf not okay with you not telling him that you're literally VOLDEMORT

17 notes · View notes

moonjxsung · 4 months

Note

okay okay we're leaving annoying shit in the past year so i wanna start the new year by asking you *drum roll* what were your favorite fics you wrote last year? you can make a top 5 if you wish, pretend you're in top 5 breakdown by watcher (this reference will not make sense to most ppl probably but i had to make it)

also maybe some of your favorites or The™️ favorite quote you wrote? (maybe this one is impossible to answer bc you wrote like 500k words last year sorry)

can't believe my first ask when you're back is me being like fuckin oprah w you

so happy you're back bestie let's alllll have a good 2024 even if it's only in our silly blogs online

-🐟

Oh my goodness I love this QUESTIONNNN you had me scrolling through my own masterlist and reading my work again for this 🥹🫶

Okay my TOP 5 FAVORITE FICS……. This was simultaneously a hard and an easy question at the same time but:

1. When the Rain Stops

2. Where the Storm Looms

3. Seasons

4. Biker!Minho drabble

5. VOYIS + B&B

I know most people are going to wonder where Lost in Translation is and I LOVE that fic, but weirdly it took me a very short amount of time to write so it never quite stuck with me like the others did! WTRS/WTSL series was my favorite series by far, it was just supposed to be porn with a plot and I literally spun a wheel with some options to determine where the characters would have sex, AND to pick which member it was going to involve 🤫 I was so reluctant when I got Minho bc I really wasn’t familiar with writing him but I think it created a completely new version of him in my mind and the character and world building just wouldn’t stop once I started it. It was also my most highly requested fic for a part 2 considering part 1 had a severe lack of resolution and I just fell in love with the characters (I think I was extremely Minho biased for weeks after finishing it lmao). Seasons was a challenge for me but I always love writing about Felix and I think putting myself in the headspace of that little town was super healing and I was SO sad when I reached the end of it. Biker Minho smut was probably my most self-fulfilling one regarding ✨spiciness✨ and maybe my most requested drabble for a part 2 (highly considering it if you guys want it? 👀) he’s just so FINE….. and last but certainly not least was VOYIS, I actually researched a lot of art techniques and I listened to a lot of classical music while writing this one so it was just an experience! I was immediately intrigued at the request itself, which is why it’s tied with Begged and Borrowed as they were the two I was so interested in I wrote them at the same time, literally switching back and forth between documents 😅

And a few favorite quotes (in no particular order):

1. “How could a higher power accept the felicitations of the same man who’s been fucking you behind the groom’s back? Within the four walls of which transforms hate to love, and sin to virtue? What a waste, Minho concludes again. What a waste to have loved this deeply, and to pacify your fears only for another man to reap the benefits. Try as Jung might, he’ll never know you the way Minho does. And the vast trench that separates you from Jung, one which paints a clear divide of friendship and his superficial love for you- that will remain permanent, too.”

- Begged and Borrowed

2. “And if you were to climb out of your body and paint this exact moment, all you would see are an indistinguishable, amorphous set of limbs that seem to dissolve into each other like hues of paint on a palette. Two colors swirling around to make one, the two of you like primary colors that create endless possibilities when mixed together like this, offspring of a hundred different shades, painting the darkened studio around you with your yearning for one another.”

- Visions of You in Solitude

3. “Except maybe simple wasn’t the solution all along- for once, he’s determined to bask in all your complexities, even if it means sacrificing everything he left the city to pursue.”

- When the Rain Stops

4. “But he feels it- he feels you, in this city, at every corner he turns. He sees traces of you in the people who smile at him when he passes them by. He sees you in the people who hold doors open for him, the baristas who make foam hearts in his lattes every morning, even the businessmen when they catch themselves admiring the beauty of the buildings on a smoke break. He sees you in all things good, when he’s reminded momentarily that the world has more to offer than boxing him in the confines of a dark bar out in the suburbs. And while he’s not completely in love with life all over again, it’s a start.”

- Where the Storm Looms

5. “The phenomenon begs the question- had the fire ever really stopped? Were you ever in the process of mending if not wailing like this, your vulnerability on display for the world to see as your walls are finally let down? Is this what it means to feel?”

- Seasons

Thank you for these questions, it’s good to be back 🫶💫 I love you! Let’s have an amazing 2024 🫶🩷💓

#🐟 anon #ask

9 notes · View notes

destinyc1020 · 1 year

Note

Z and T have such a beautiful relationship and it makes me sad that certain fans can’t accept ppl who love each, be together that’s not how you pictured Z with. These fans come across like toxic parents who are unwilling to accept that they’re child is dating someone they don’t approve. It’s too weird and really sad ngl. Side note Z and T remind me so much of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, if they get married lol!

Omg they do!!! 🥰❤

Awww....Love Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. 😊

Except with them it's the opposite lol.... Lots of ppl probably wondered how Joanne snagged such a good looking man like Paul, and some probably thought he could have dated some "prettier" actresses in Hollywood. But hey, you love who you love! 🤷🏾‍♀️

It's a shame that sometimes ppl can be so superficial, but many ppl are. 🥴 👀 Just look at twitter lol

20 notes · View notes

warmgreytail · 3 months

Text

Notes to self as I try to get over my crush:

1. I am okay with people missing out on me.

2. At some point, ur just too exhausted and fed up to care anymore?! He grown, he can do whatever he wants! Release ur grip girl and free urself of the stressing the worrying the overthinking... like at some point its too much I can find someone else who doesn't stress me out like u do and can give me a worry free lifestyle

3. Let fate handle it. As with all things that are true and from the heart, if it's meant to be, fate will find a way. It's more beautiful and poetic that way anyway!

4. Focus on ur skincare routine and studies instead!!! Get ur glow up, get ur value up, get ur price up ✨️

5. What would Choi Hyeseon (from Singles Inferno) do? Acknowledge ur self worth like her and be willing to walk away from anyone!

6. "I can do it with a broken heart."

7. Sometimes... it's better to be the person that is just out of reach.

8. At the end of the day, I care about him, I want him to be happy, and I don't want him to be hurt.

9. Become a shrouded mystery.

10. Pretend ur a heartbroken Chinese empress in ancient times drinking away her sorrows.

11. Sad to see you destroy the image I had of you in my head. So disappointed and disheartening to realize he's not the sweet, strong, self assured, smart, emotionally mature, gentle, thoughtful, lowkey, dignified, introverted guy u had fallen for, who u trusted, who made u feel safe. Such a unique grief im feeling. Grieving the bond we had. Grieving the guy I thought I knew, and the pathetic insecure self centered petty average guy that replaced him. The guy who was my friend. Maybe that guy only lives in my head. Maybe I made him up.

12. Find the humor and lightness in the situation. Like if u didn't have feelings for him, if u didnt care so much about what he does, if u didnt care that he liked u, u would think: is he okay?????? Maybe he needs space...

13. Absence and inspiring/engaging negative emotions of loss.

14. You r a catch, u have the credentials to back it up, you are desirable, you r not constantly just there for him no matter what. never forget ur worth. Put yourself on the pedestal. They prove themselves to you. They are winning or losing out on you. Not the other way around. If ur love is unconditional, then it won't inspire a feeling of losing/winning for him.

15. The moment he makes u feel disrespected and unsafe and anxious. Take away access. Remove yourself from the equation. Friendship privileges (caring) r gone. Take the power back. It's okay if he wants another girl! Wish him the best! He can go! Hope he finds and chases what he's looking for out there!

16. This post below. You are his heart and soul. His core values exemplified. Everywhere else is hollow.

17. He lost: my care, my dynamic aura/humor, the vibe I give ppl, his motivation, and my vision of him. He can't find the universe I created for him (the music, the food, the art) anywhere else. Ya can't fix me into a box. I'm just that girl!

18. Read it ends with us again... both u and lily bloom deserve atlas, not ryle!!!

19. Ickkkkkk

20. He wants a superficial blonde sorority girl, he can go have her! I know who I am and I love my world and my universe my life and being me so that ain't stressing me out. He can go stress out another girl

21. High value women like go aeishin, hyeseon make choices out of self love and have a strong core. They have rules for themselves and others and they do not bend those rules. They stand on business. They command respect and so attraction.

22. Recognize when someone is toxic for ur heart and health. Pulling away from him is an act of self love.

23. Disillusioned with his image of me. I'm smart, I'm talented!!! There's a toxic pattern where he likes a girl that feeds his ego, that is a people pleaser, that is a hopeless romantic, that centers their life around him. Why does he never compliment her talents, her skills, her capabilities? I want respect and admiration, not attachment.

25. "If u don't speak up for yourself, they'll think ur stupid." -sza's grandma

I'm nobody's fool. Im not going to be remembered as someone who wasted their time on him, just for him to say he is no longer attracted. Im not going to have a boy crazy reputation. Im not there to stroke his ego, for him to get off on my devotion. I'm not a footnote in his life as an epic hero. It's my dreams. My goals. My wants. MY loves. I'm the main character. I'm the it girl. I'm that bitch.

26. Affirmation: I don't want him, I am out of his league, he is not up to my standards. His petty trivial games is giving insecure NPC... its below me. A girl destined for big things don't have time for the small shit to get her down... let the players of stupid games win stupid prizes, I've got bigger missions

27. Hated the way he described the women in his life. "She was alright at soccer" everything was always in relation to him, he never described the women as goated, the only girl he truly respected seemed unattainable to him.

28. I love myself and my life and a man should fit into it, and enhance and upgrade my lifestyle, not make it worse. I should not be contouring myself to fit into his life. I will not blow up my life to be with him.

29. I'm that girl. My vibe is addictive. He craves my attention. Call me dust the way you will return back to me.

30. Remember yumi's cells.

31. He said "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife" omfg....... he's literally so fcking shallow and toxic.

32. He said a girl was into him but he wasn't into her.... literally all girls r just ego boosts to him

33. I'm tired of exhausting myself over him. He likes girls chasing after him but I will not be blowing up his phone.

34. Crazy how easy I fall out of love when I lose respect for someone.

35. U r allowed to outgrow ppl.

36. This boy made u so sad u went home in the middle of the work day. Like ... be ur own protective older sister. Connecting with him is self sabotage girl.

37. He hurt me so bad that he singlehandedly cured my people pleasing tendencies, be unapologetic in my decisions and doing what's best for me, helped me stand on business, learn to say no and be inaccessible/unavailable to people, be more strict and disciplined with myself, value my own feelings/needs, stopped always being on the losing end, care less about what people think of me, stop chasing love from ppl and instead seek respect, prioritized my own personal appointments, and focus on my competence, inner confidence, and internal validation. I gotta treat myself well and not tolerate bare minimum and bs from myself in order to not tolerate that shit from others. From now on I am high maintenance.

38. What a privilege to be a character that experiences my love and attention, to be seen from my point of view. What a privilege to get to have the sue experience. Not everyone gets it.

39. "It's only because you love them. You are their source of power."

#me #mine

2 notes · View notes

ultrvmonogamy · 5 months

Note

Bestie why haven’t you nutted? That makes me sad :c i know it still none of my business :s

well, u know, i can't say i'm exactly thrilled abt it either bestie, n i appreciate ur concern so thanks for that, but plz do not be sad on acct of it/me.

still none of ur business, true, but i'll give u an oversimplified approximation, which is basically that without someone in my world who feels compelling to the point that it's like my cum is for them even before it exists (and so therefore my body generates it because its absence is manifest), my post orgasmic experience is a lot like a free fall thru the abyss that doesn't rly stop.

it just works out to be a far more negative than positive experience, n even tho i can sometimes feel some degree of superficial pleasure without the compelling dynamic thing, it's extremely short-lived whereas the existential drop is orders of magnitude more enduring. it's like an abstract form of vertigo that jacks up the integrity of my energy n can have a variety of ramifications depending on whatever else is going on in my world (internal and/or external) at the time. does that make sense?

we talk abt post nut clarity a lot, but i think it's not uncommon for ppl to experience some degree of what i'm talking abt or at least to have had an experience wherein maybe they did not feel quite right in the aftermath of orgasm. it just happens to be consistently pretty pronounced for me if certain ingredients r missing, n i haven't rly had access to those ingredients anytime recently or at least not in a persistent enough manner that i had the occasion to act on them.

yeah so anyway i hope ur weekend is off to a shimmering start ✨

#mail #anon #oc

4 notes · View notes

hyperfixatinglove · 2 years

Note

Hii!!! 1, 6, 10 and 13 for the meta asks!😁😁

1. how did you discover your f/o’s content?

I think I discovered it through yt? I watch a lot of gaming videos so sometimes yt just recommends random games to me and I think wat//ch dogs was one of them. I vaguely also knew abt the graphics etc controversy because I sometimes watch top x number videos about games.

I wasn't interested in Aiden's source at the time (this must've been around 2015 or something idk I have the worst memory with dates / years) and wasn't for long time. Suddenly his game just became interesting to me and I hyperfixated on it big time. The rest is history or something.

6. if your f/o is from a series, which episode/movie/game/book of their source content is your favorite?

First game obviously.

He's also in Legion (2nd sequel) as DLC character but his design is so far off what I imagine Older!Aiden to be AND Jackson is so wildly different to what I imagined him to be at 26??

Does this look like the same person to you??? I get that ppl don't stay the same (Jacks is 8 in 1) but?? this??

Also the downgrade of Aiden just...

I'm going to say it; that beard does NOT fit him.

Aside from.. superficial stuff like this, the way his dialogue is written is far too generic (at least in main game or something? I can't shake the feeling his dialogue is off somehow even when his VA did reprise the role or I don't like change this badly lmao) and doesn't FEEL like HIM at all. Also him working WITH Dedsec as whole when in Chicago he explicitly refused is bit, wtf moment for me (yes I'm aware that both San Francisco and London Dedsec are different from Chicago!Dedsec and his mind can change but?? still??) Also I can't see Aiden tolerating Wrench at all. He didn't as DLC reveals so anyway.

Also the whole "he's in coma and his mind is this Silent Hill-esque hellscape bc he never moved on from Lena's death in last 10+ years for majority of DLC" plot is just.. I'm letting out the biggest most annoyed sigh. (Him digging his own grave in the coma dream was kinda neat as it's sad tho)

All in all his inclusion felt like poor attempt at some sort of pandering or something. No effort.

Also he's mentioned to be homeless in Legion?? When in books he has safe room in house he rents to elderly?? He has his container safe houses?? He can just steal money and rent some place??

The only thing I kinda give to Legion is canonically him & Jacks & Nicky had no contact for years. Also the fact that Jacks is bitter and angry at Aiden bc he aggravated his PTSD and other shit.

I did like his short cameo in 2, where he's stuck in cell and 2's protagonist helps him out a little so he escapes by himself (and he's explicitly there to shut down human trafficking operations).

I'm kinda iffy but kinda love how he's famous in both 2 and Legion and his name and nickname Fox is known widely in hacker circles as sorta celebrity / legend type. I love it bc it's cute & makes for sorta interesting narrative but also I'm iffy bc I want him to be able to be under radar so he doesn't have to move all the damn time but he did become famous at the very end of 1 so I guess I gotta deal.

10. if you could change one thing about your f/o’s source content, would you? what would you change?

Either have the game explore more deeply how and why Aiden acts and thinks the way he does OR Clara survives

If we don't talk about story things, I'd change the gameplay from all the damn car chases to heavily feature ´hacking and potential gunfight / sneaking opportunities

13. do you have a favorite line your f/o has ever said

Favorite line I didn't mention earlier?

"You're not the first woman to tell me that" after Clara said she'd "open his world" in reference to her phone she gives Aiden that has some Dedsec stuff that makes it easier for him to hack stuff or smth. (Clara's observation of Aiden's intimidation being "very textbook" is my favorite line of hers)

Also the lines where he wonders did he get Bedbug killed are obviously my favorite because FOR ONCE Aiden actually stops to think about larger consequences of his own actions also he sounds pretty panicked there.

#vigilante #letters of love #thank you!#I try not to feel obligated to answer with ushio every time you send asks bc ur ygo mutual-#morbid tw

3 notes · View notes

tamerahardy · 5 months

Text

Spiraling 2017-2021

These were some of the hardest times of my life. I had gotten chartered out the military in 2017!yes shortly after I got married, my new coworkers were not so nice to me and of course I had a history of not standing up for myself I ended up giving up and letting them chapter me. By then it’s 2020 me and Damian have separated, I’m living with my mom completely devastated, working at Walmart trying to raise my child.

Me and my old friend were not talking anymore and she had made it apparent that she didn’t want me as a friend anymore. I was at the lowest point of my life just watching from the sidelines all the evil things she said about me.

It actually took me a few years to get over Monifah. I was there for her and because I had experienced my own marriage in the military I could understand that she was really sad because of the territory that comes with all that. She was one of my closest friends in which i shared everything with but when I reached a low point she wasn’t there as I was for her.

She used people and things to make me jealous in which I already peeped. All of the ppl she initially turned her back on me and deemed me worthless and lame they did the same to her.

It took me some years to recover and get over her completely, and it feels great over the years I felt it was my fault for us not working but I believe she intentionally did things to get a certain reaction from me. I think that whatever she experienced that traumatized the free spirit she use to be it changed her and took her down a path to where she views ppl as actual pawns.

The girl who I thought was my sister who lied to me about Quad was also involved. She insisted back then that I was jealous of her.

But let’s not ….

How can you be jealous of someone you genuinely admired at the time? You cant. Because that’s not what ur feeling. You’re feeling genuine love and wanting the best for them.

I think it’s the opposite way around. I think that Trenisha was jealous. I believe that when I had sex with somebody she loved that hurt her, I believe that back then whatever she had been going through and seeing me flourish with her friends and ex while she was away going through her own thing made her see me different and I felt that.

I think that she has a side of her that she’s ashamed for others to know about and see it. I knew deep down she didn’t view me as a sister anymore because she changed towards me and didn’t even say anything. It’s because I felt genuine emotional support from her I was able to identify the difference in how she treated me after all that happened.

And I knew eventually she would want to get me back for it. She initially went through with her plans of “getting revenge” and making me feel what she felt when I was at my lowest. I had even reached out and apologized but now that I look back how was I wrong? Especially when I asked her about these things. Mind you most bitches don’t even ask they don’t even care if they fucking on someone you dated..trust me it’s more ruthless bitches out there. Back then she couldn’t give me an answer back then I learned who she really was and if I were nasty spirited behind closed doors like that I would be ashamed for the world to know especially when everyone thinks I’m sweet and kind.

That revenge scheme she had towards me did nothing and it got her nowhere. But again these two. These two both are the same but very different. One doesn’t hide who she is because she doesn’t care especially after the traumatizing things she’s been through. Everyone is temporary and a pawn and must be TESTED to prove themselves worthy to be in her life or to get close. The other one is scary. Avoids confrontation and hard answers. Scared for the world to see what she really thinks and feels because it would make people view her different. The side that everyone gets attached to and loves. She superficial relationships that sway her from her REAL reality. They make her feel good for the time being, somebody like that can’t be held on for too long or tamed and she doesn’t want to.

And until they can keep those demons intact they will fail each time. Karma will revisit and hurt them each time and things will always feel “OFF” like an ongoing loop.

I learned a lot though from those two. Pain changes the most pure and free spirits, and I saw which path I wouldn’t want to go with leading to these moments.

Living in superficiality and delusion or viewing everyone as a pawn in each phase of my life. I choose to walk a different path.

0 notes

targetaudiencereached · 2 years

Text

a rant while waiting on my meds

anger is the emotion of the morning

i feel angry at everyone around me

angry at having to wait

angry at everyone’s loud ass noises

not sure how to unpack this one or what it means

i suspect i’m feeling angry to perhaps mask the sadness, the dread i feel about getting treatment

it’s the days afterward that are the worst, when i can’t poop and i feel like shit and all i can do is lay down and eat gummies and just be

i dread those days bc i quake when confronted w my own weakness

i was reflecting the other night on how i’m doing this for everyone else

i feel like i never decided to get the treatment; it just sort of happened and i went along w it bc it’s what i knew i was supposed to do and i do it to make the ppl in my life feel better; meanwhile it makes me feel like shit

i just can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that i felt fine living w stage 4 cancer and i feel at my lowest whilst getting treated for said cancer

i just don’t think it’s supposed to be this way

i feel a fool sitting here in the middle of one of the biggest medical industrial complexes in the world, getting treatment i don’t deserve more than ppl who don’t have access

i feel like it goes against my values tbh; it’s not on brand for me and i’m having trouble dealing w that and i don’t think my therapist would understand

and at the same time i don’t have the cajones to quit the chemo

................................................................................................................................

i hope i’ll be able to sleep today

it usually doesn’t happen bc there’s just too much going on

i’ve never been able to sleep on planes

plus i get irrationally angry when ppl make noise when i’m sleepy

so i just kind of drift in my rage

this would be pretty sweet if i had my own room tho

i could sleep, write, listen to my music w/o crushing my ears

i grow increasingly jealous of ppl who wear airpods

not bc they’re a status symbol

but bc they actually fit in their ears

i have never been able to wear any type of ear bud w any type of confidence

they always fall out

i constantly have to readjust, and then the relaxing experience of listening to music is no longer relaxing. rather, it is stressful, a chore

kind of a dante’s inferno, sisyphus-type of torture really

................................................................................................................................

it’s strange, the victories i have to take during this time

giving public comment

going on a walk

pooping

speaking up

not having to change my pajamas

texting someone

jesus christ i stress about that shit a lot

i overthink

i worry what ppl think of me

and a lot of times my worry is enough to make me never reach out to anyone, even if i’d really like to hang out w them

it’s like i fear rejection so much that i would rather not speak to anyone at all

that’s been kind of a theme in my life since childhood, i think

i did it to protect myself from getting hurt

but this habit is no longer serving me; in fact, it’s hindering me and i need to let it go. i just don’t know how

how do you let go of your own thinking? how do you challenge the thing that has kept you safe?

i guess i have to recognize that i’m missing out on things this way. i’m missing how wonderful ppl can be

i got a glimmer of that when i had to leave work. it was kind of shocking to me to see how ppl cared, to let them show me they cared.

and it was scary, too, bc the “protector” part of my brain wanted me to believe that it was fake, that they were saying those things bc they had to, that they were secretly happy i was going

i think A LOT about what ppl “secretly” think which is really, really stupid

ppl are going to think what they want to think and i can’t control that. so why do i spend so much energy thinking about it? idk dude. idk.

i’d rather spend my energy on productive things. i’d rather spend my energy being happy.

................................................................................................................................

i’ve done a lot of reflecting in my free time and i’ve realized that i’m unhappy in most of my relationships bc they feel superficial to me

lately i’ve noticed that i feel closer to ppl and feel more fulfilled when we can connect over our ideas

fuck small talk. i want big talk

less commenting on the weather and more commenting on where you’ve noticed eurocentrism in popular media

less “catching up” and more “ruminating by” lol

................................................................................................................................

“instead of obsessing about the outcome, focus on how you want to feel” –the planner of the woman sitting across from me while i get chemo

ugh how it burns

ugh how it gives me anxiety about whether this is normal

ugh how it gives me anxiety about having to ask for help

here i go again, deciding what ppl think of me when i have no real say in what they think at all, no more than my role in deciding what a sycamore tree thinks about while it peacefully towers over us

#rants #chemo #loneliness #anger

0 notes

yutadori · 4 years

Text

tried to make a post about yuki two times and i give up just know that i love him

#THE WORDS ARE JUST . NOT COMING TOGETHERRRRR #sometimes i get worried talkint abt my fave charas bc i dont want to mischaracterize them bc im bad at analyzing and all that xkdmddkdl #but anyway ill just say it in the tags bc it feels safer for some reason JDKDMD #anyway i was thinking about how yukis perceived as popular and is liked by lots of ppl at school #and its like . hes liked for the wrong reasons ppl think hes pretty and princely and cool etc when thats all so superficial #and theres so much more to him like he struggles with his insecurities and its really difficult for him to get close to people and he also #is misunderstood and it sucks bc thats kinda out of his control :/#like his jealously (?) towards kyo and kakeru and wanting to be more like them.... :/ is like the OPPOSITE of how hes perceived #he doesnt feel like friendships come easily to him and it must be hard for him to maintain them bc its also hard for him to get close to ppl #like we rarely ? if ever ? see yuki w friends at school and that makes me </3 #yeah . im sad now xjdkdjxxjjxjx #GOD AND THE PART WHERE HE SAID THAT THING ABT KAKERU #where he feels as though others gravitate to kakeru so easily and that his light shines so brightly he feels like he'll disappear . bye #I Felt that #and in s1 when they showed yuki watch as kyo socialized w everyone. and he was watching from behind the door... the way he feels like #an outsider watching .... bye #sun texts

6 notes · View notes

doebt · 5 years

Text

okaayy tomorrow i will paint, and get a haircut, and eat better

#this long weekend flew by #i have had many many consecutive good days but like #i am sorta sad #ppl don't realise u can be sad and also have good days #so i sound like i'm lying to myself... but i'm not #i just take it for what it is and accept it and feel it along w everything else #i'm just glad to be feeling anything at all #ppl are so superficial #i wish everyone would just focus on life and making something of it and trying to be good #but everyone around me is so caught up in these insane stupid things #i don't think i'm better or like..above anyone somehow #but i think everyone would be a lot happier if they had a mindset like i do rn #or maybe not #i feel extremely uncared for #deer.txt

4 notes · View notes

realcube · 3 years

Text

haikyuu!! characters with a chubby! s/o 💗

characters: tsukishima, oikawa, atsumu, osamu & suna

thank you anon for this cute request 🥺

tw// comfort, fluff, angst if you squint, insecure! reader, swearing, they/them reader but reader wears a dress (in osamu’s)

(a/n): anon requested comfort but i feel bad bc i’m writing this like ‘no, (y/n)! stop being sad! you’re beautiful! 😡’ then i remember that i can just select+delete the pain away💗💖

Kei Tsukishima

let’s not pretend like tsukki gives a fuck what you look like tbh ✋

like nobody is ‘perfect’ and everyone is insecure (to varying degrees) so why would he care about your weight?

nobody ticks every single box to meet society’s definition of ‘beauty’

plus, tsukki thought beauty standards were stupid away so he created his own - and you meet every single one 💖

in fact, almost everyone meets his beauty standards - besides himself ‘:)

he seriously doesn’t care about your weight tbh, it’s the most trivial thing so why would he care?

although, he wasn’t naïve enough to think that everyone was like-minded

your front of ‘i don’t care about what other people think of me’ was strong enough to fool even the most observant of poeple, including tsukki

however, tsukishima failed to take into consideration that you were his girlfriend, meaning that you could be playing the same game as him; ‘pretend to not care about superficial things like beauty so nobody will think for a second that you are insecure about your body’

he wasn’t one to give compliments but neither were you tbh so the mutual agreement y’all have of ‘let’s call each other names as a form of endearment to avoid those awkward moments were you are looking for the right words for praise but can’t come up with anything’ was fair

but after you accidentally sent him a self-deprecating ‘joke’ message that was clearly meant for a friend, he never passed up the opportunity to compliment you ever again

like he kinda just stared at the message like 😮 ‘does (y/n) seriously care about their weight? why? it doesn’t even matter. how stupid! who told them that the shape of their body is important? bc it’s not..’

then he turns to look in the mirror like ‘wow you srsly need to put on muscle, lanky bitch. or else (y/n) will probably leave you for some built jackass like kuroo. pick up some weights, noodle arms!’

anyway, he’s not too good with words and comfort in situations like these but he’ll probably reply to your text with something out-of-character and surprisingly sweet

to paraphrase (bc the actual text would probably be like a whole damn persuasive essay LMAO he starts with the introduction, makes five points and finishes with a conclusion pfft) , i think it would be something like: ‘hey, (y/n). ik that text was probably meant for one of your friends (but if they’re the ones making you feel bad about your weight then you should probably drop those toxic cunts anyway 💅✨) but i just wanted to say that even though you are the biggest clown i’ve ever met (/j) you’re still v beautiful 💗 stop being insecure or i’ll pass away ⚰💀 ok thx love you bye’

Tōru Oikawa

how are you insecure if you’re dating oikawa? /j

like he is such a hypeman

whenever y’all take pics in your ✨fancy outfits ✨ for formal event, he acts as though you are second most beautiful thing on the face of this earth 😍 (second to him ofc)

but he only does that so he can keep up the reputation he has of being effortlessly confident bc he’s scared that if it slips for even a second, everyone will see how truly insecure he is

truthfully, in his eyes, you come first place by miles (❤ ω ❤)

like srsly, you’re so gorgeous in that dress!! he hopes that you know that he is joking about the whole ‘second place’ thing bc you should be able to tell by the way he looks at you that you’re genuinely the most striking person he’s ever laid his eyes on

you never acted overly confident in front of him but he definitely didn’t think you were as insecure as you are

he thought you were just..humble :)

sometimes he’d hear you mutter something mean about yourself as you passed the mirror but he paid no mind to it as he figured that you just cared about your appearance and wanted to maintain a certain image

however, once he was made aware that you didn’t want to maintain your image but rather, change it - he never let you murmur anything nasty about yourself under your breath ever again, not without proceeding to tackle you to the ground and shower you with his love, affection & praise 💞💕❤

and he never made a ‘second place’ joke ever again, he started his honesty streak by reassuring you that you’ll always be the number one in his eyes 🤩

also, after that, he was a lot more open about his own insecurities with you and you made sure to respect them and help him in a similar way that he did

there is just so much love and admiration between the two of you and at first you were both to shy to express it but now, you both are showering each other in compliments 24/7 bc you both just want the other one to know how perfect you view them as (❁´◡`❁)

Atsumu Miya

atsumu is a hypeman like oikawa but...better :)

IT’S BC HE HAS NO SHAME

he’ll compliment you on anything you wear and he makes it a point to use the most inappropriate compliment as possible, relative to the outfit you’re wearing

so if you’re wearing your pyjamas, he’ll call you ‘glamourous’

if you are wearing a swimsuit, he’ll call you ‘elegant’

if you’re in your work clothes/school uniform, he’ll call you ‘sexy’

and if you’re in lingerie, he’ll call you ‘adorable’

but it makes you blush so hey, no complaints

so when he finds out that you’re actually insecure about your weight, he’s just like ‘no ❤’

like he hates the idea that when you look in the mirror, you don’t see the god(dess) he sees

like why? it’s the same person

💞 fuck ‘perception’ 💞

💕 ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ TF YOU ARE THE FUCKING BEAUTY💕

grrr he was so mad

but he was also soft

he was like ‘if (y/n) insecure? then why hot? then why pretty? then why fit perfectly into my arms?’

plus, THIGHS

he’d never diss a person bc they had small thighs or anything BUT he’d also NEVER complain about being given the chance to be with someone with some good thighs 👍

tbh the best could do to help was compliment you ten times harder to eliMINATE ALL YOUR INSECURIES

(and ofc i don’t mean that in a way - for example - if you’re insecure about your nose, he’ll fkn chop it off......he won’t chop your nose off LMAO he’ll just show you how much he loves it, to the point where you have no choice but to love it too ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ )

anyway, plz love (or at least, tolerate) yourself or else he’ll suffocate you with all his love and affection :D

Osamu Miya

osamu is at a loss when it comes to typical beauty standards tbh

to him, weight (and most things) are similar to..hand size, for example

just like how you can’t imagine someone feeling self-conscious about the size of their hand (especially if their hand is a healthy size)

he can’t imagine why some one would be shamed for their weight (especially if they’re a healthy size)

so had no idea you could possibly be insecure about something like that and he probably on realised after a few years in the relationship 😅

there was a formal event coming up and y’all were going as dates so you wanted to shop for outfits together

as couples do ✌

anyway, he was on a dress site, scrolling away until you pointed out one that you thought was pretty - and it matched the color of the tie osamu bought too!

it was a fair price (for a formal dress 🙄 which is probably like $68/50) so osamu was like ‘buy it then ( •̀ ω •́ )✧’ bc he thought it would so gorgeous on you

but you were like ‘no’

and after he pried further, you explained how you thought it wouldn’t ‘suit your body type’

GRRR HE dislikes IT WHEN PPL SAY THIS SO MUCH BC HOE YOU DON’T HAVE A BODY TYPE YOU’VE GOT A BODY 😡💕 WEAR THE DAMN DRESS IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL

but like deadass it’s not your blood type- it’s just a thing ppl made up to make ppl (mostly women) feel bad about themselves for no reason

but that might just be his inner atsumu talking 🤷‍♂️

he didn’t even know what to say at first- he was just like ????? body type ????

but once he figured out what you meant, he still had no idea what to say- at least, without sounding rude

what if someone came up to you and told you they were insecure about the shape of their knee.......what do you even say???

so he was silent for like the rest of the day

you decided to give him some space just in case something happened which had upset him

he had no idea what to say, in all honesty, so he hoped that his actions spoke louder than words

around 3 days had passed since you last spoke to osamu and you were beginning to think something you had said made him uncomfortable

you were studying in your room until there was a ring at your door so you rushed downstairs and you opened it to reveal a package sitting on your doormat

you had recently ordered some cleaning equipment so you were sure that the content of the package was probably that

so imagine your surprise when you tear it open to reveal — you guessed it — the dress 💕

Rintarō Suna

when he says that he doesn’t care what ppl look like, he means it

he upkeeps his own appearance though bc..it’s his!

like why would he care about what weight you are? that’s none of his business

as you can tell, he’s generally not shallow but sometimes when y’all are just cuddling and your face is pressed to his chest, the words ‘you’re so cute’ just fall from his lips

so ofc he appreciates compliments over his skills, personality, humour etc over flattery about his appearance

hence, the praise he gives you is usually based around those things too bc he just thinks that you’re just like him in the fact you don’t appreciate skin-deep comments

so when he found out that you’re actually insecure about your weight (or something else), he kinda blames himself

he thinks that the whole reason you’re not extremely confident in your appearance is all due to him and the fact he fact he maybe didn’t compliment you on your looks enough — but that’s not to say that he doesn’t think you’re beautiful

you’re the most radiant person he’s ever laid his eyes on and he thought you knew that regardless of whether he vocalised it or not

he wasn’t really sure what to do tbh

bc he loved you and wanted to comfort you ofc but he was scared of making things worse

like what if something he says accidentally makes you so upset that you break-up with him 😭

but he knew he couldn’t just stay silent about the issue, especially when he wanted to say to much

thus, he sent you a heartfelt message on discord

(rather than snap, whatsapp etc so he could edit it after he posts it bc knowing him, he’ll probably write something, reread it ten times then as soon as he hits send, he spots a bunch of mistakes)

and he’d explain how you’re simply divine regardless of your insecurity and if anything, it just makes you cuter 😍

ok ok so i really don’t want it so seem like he has a fetish bc HE DOESN’T

but he think your curves are so fun and pretty ❤

like everything about you is pretty but suna just can’t comprehend why you’re insecure about something like your weight when he literally adores it (bc he adores everything about you)

485 notes · View notes