#psychologically i am ever-intended for continued survival. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

flowerpotmage · 7 months

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I'm hopping on anon for this because it might get too specific (← is definitely exaggerating)and uh. I'm paranoid lol

I have a lot of trouble coming up with anything to say about the whole creativity problem, because I'm on the exact same boat, even down to the abandoning fandom thing. and sadly know plenty of other people in that same position. and I feel, I guess, that big sibling urge to give solutions that would make the problem just disappear, and make everything better. but it's like… impossible, because I can't give you the answers I haven't reached myself.

if it helps any, I don't think there's any pressure to continue or not. this isn't exactly something you can fix or take control over. and as much as we, as readers, want to give support and make it better by showing love and appreciation, it just… doesn't really help in giving the nudge, and getting that mental hurdle out. because all it takes is that one single instance of someone showing distaste or critique, for it to become ingrained and for us to question every single decision. it's especially disheartening when it reaches the point of you looking at something, detesting it, but knowing deep down that if this was done by someone else in the exact same way, you'd be thinking it's amazing.

hardcore fan of tgbd, currently my favourite fic ever, and I'll just say, no pressure and no hard feelings over whatever happens. we're already so incredibly lucky that you shared as much of this amazing story as you did, and I don't think any of us want to see you experiencing emotional anguish over it. even if it comes down to getting one update a year, or the fic being abandoned altogether.

I totally get it. I always want to have the perfect thing to say, especially about things I've experienced myself and it kills me when I don't have the right thing to say that'll just fix it.

all it takes is that one single instance of someone showing distaste or critique, for it to become ingrained and for us to question every single decision.

It's awful bc this^ is exactly what I'm struggling with!! Like I know I posted about the whole RSD + creativity scar thing but oof!! And especially difficult bc there's all these studies about how humans might be wired to remember negatives more than positives as an old survival mechanism but like..... Come ON. It doesn't help, of course, that I have a hard time internalizing compliments being for me, no matter the context or what is being complimented. It's very silly.

But yeah, I just like... idk my biggest struggle is that TGBD has a very special place for me and I remember the excitement and the ideas and the way I was feeling about it and how invested I was (and am) in the characters, but I just haven't been able to get the words flow and then I start overthinking about how it'll be seen and it's....... It's a weird place to be, emotionally and psychologically.

I don't intend to abandon it, that's for sure, but I'm like just... Trying to let it breath, I guess?

Regardless, I really appreciate this ask 💚 knowing someone else has been in the same boat at any point in time and understands really makes me feel a bit better about the struggle haha

#answered asks #there's a few things that help me in my 'between eras' like this #things that just kinda help me relax and make things fun again haha #so i'll probably indulge in those and come back when i'm ready

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billconrad · 11 months

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When I Realized I Was an Author

Recently, a friend asked me when I realized I was an author instead of a writer. Until that point, I had not thought about this question and quickly decided the moment occurred when I held my first printed book. Yet, that answer did not sit well.

I had always intended to write, but I never took the leap. The change occurred when I got laid off. At first, the words flowed onto the screen because I had been inventing stories for most of my life. When I finished the last sentence of my first book, I felt no emotion, so that was not the moment.

When I finally published my book, I knew I had “written a book,” but in my mind, that achievement did not make me an author. I thought that a person became an author when they got an award or had their picture taken on a gigantic pile of books. Or was it when an author attended their first book signing? Or receive a million-dollar royalty check?

My first sales brought little emotion, and they trickled off to almost zero. At that point, I felt I was further from being an author than ever. Later, I updated my resume to show that I had published a book, which made me feel like I was bragging about an untrue accomplishment. I was further from being an author than ever.

Two things happened in my life right when I published my first book. My English skill improved enough to spot grammar, plot, and logic errors in acclaimed books. The second was that I joined the Facebook group “Writers Helping Writers.”

I did this to gain insight and learn how to market my work. When I felt comfortable, I posted comments, questions, and answers. Most of my posts were to new authors, but some were to successful ones. Getting a “thank you” reply inspired confidence, and I spent more time writing.

One night as I was reading a post on Writers Helping Writers, it occurred to me that I was a “peer,” which made me an author. So, that was the moment. Well… I had become an “unsuccessful part-time author.”

Now when people ask, I answer, “Yes, I am an author,” with a hint of pride. It took significant effort to make the leap to put my writing out there for the world to criticize. Many people want to write, and they never pick up a pen.

Is this true? A few people have read my words and felt I had written something good. I like their compliments, and with luck and hard work, I will become successful.

You’re the best -Bill

June 17, 2023

Hey book lovers, I published four. Please check them out:

Interviewing Immortality. A dramatic first-person psychological thriller that weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and self-confrontation.

Pushed to the Edge of Survival. A drama, romance, and science fiction story about two unlikely people surviving a shipwreck and living with the consequences.

Cable Ties. A slow-burn political thriller that reflects the realities of modern intelligence, law enforcement, department cooperation, and international politics.

Saving Immortality. Continuing in the first-person psychological thriller genre, James Kimble searches for his former captor to answer his life’s questions.

These books are available in soft-cover on Amazon and eBook format everywhere.

#writing #books #author

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aliciasspookygame · 2 years

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Taking a look at my favourite horror games

Let's take a look at the horror games that have stuck with me and have influenced my nightmares, in release order...

I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream (1996)

'The adventure plunges you into the tortured and hidden past of five humans. Delve into their darkest fears. Outwit the Master Computer AM in a game of psychological warfare. Disturbing, compelling. An adventure you won't easily forget !!'

Silent Hill Franchise (1999 - Now?)

'Silent Hill, at its core, focuses on corruption in the world, humanity, society, and explores the darkness and evil side of humanity, and how humans are the true "monsters". In Silent Hill, various aspects of humanity are often portrayed and manifested as horribly disgusting, hostile monsters. Because of this, psychological horror is perhaps the series' strong point.

Symbolism is a heavy element in Silent Hill, in which many locations, environments, monsters, items, and imagery often contain deeper meaning.'

Fatal Frame (2002 UK Release)

'Set in 1986, the story begins with an aspiring folklorist, Mafuyu Hinasaki, who decides one night to investigate the allegedly haunted Himuro Mansion, in search of renowned folklorist Junsei Takamine. He brings with him a family heirloom, a special camera that has the power to "expose things the normal eyes can't see". Mafuyu discovers that the ghosts of those who have perished in the mansion are roaming the empty halls. After fending off a violent ghost and seeing the power of the camera for himself, Mafuyu decides to continue his search. As he attempts to return to the entrance hall of the mansion, however, a dark presence surrounds him, and Mafuyu's fate is unknown.'

Outlast (2014)

'Hell is an experiment you can't survive in Outlast, a first-person survival horror game developed by veterans of some of the biggest game franchises in history. As investigative journalist Miles Upshur, explore Mount Massive Asylum and try to survive long enough to discover its terrible secret… if you dare.'

Darkwood (2014)

'Darkwood - a new perspective on survival horror. Scavenge and explore a rich, ever-changing free-roam world by day, then hunker down in your hideout and pray for the morning light.'

P.T. (2014)

'P.T. (Playable Teaser) is a first-person interactive teaser. The teaser was directed by Hideo Kojima and developed by Kojima Productions, under the alias of "7780s Studios". It was released as a free download for the PlayStation 4 on August 12th, 2014.

It is not formally a Silent Hill game, though it is connected to the series. The game was intended to be a demo for the since then cancelled Silent Hills, although this was kept a mystery until completing the teaser.'

Outlast II (2017)

'Outlast 2 introduces you to Sullivan Knoth and his followers, who left our wicked world behind to give birth to Temple Gate, a town, deep in the wilderness and hidden from civilization. Knoth and his flock are preparing for the tribulations of the end of times and you’re right in the thick of it.'

Little Nightmares (2017)

'Immerse yourself in Little Nightmares, a dark whimsical tale that will confront you with your childhood fears! Help Six escape The Maw – a vast, mysterious vessel inhabited by corrupted souls looking for their next meal.'

Resident Evil 7: Biohazard (2017)

'Set in modern day rural America and taking place after the dramatic events of Resident Evil® 6, players experience the terror directly from the first person perspective. Resident Evil 7 embodies the series’ signature gameplay elements of exploration and tense atmosphere that first coined “survival horror” some twenty years ago; meanwhile, a complete refresh of gameplay systems simultaneously propels the survival horror experience to the next level.'

Resident Evil Village (2021)

'Set a few years after the horrifying events in the critically acclaimed Resident Evil 7 biohazard, the all-new storyline begins with Ethan Winters and his wife Mia living peacefully in a new location, free from their past nightmares. Just as they are building their new life together, tragedy befalls them once again.'

#Research

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i-dreamed-i-had-a-son · 3 years

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Okayyyy now that I've slept on that episode I am ready to do some good old traumamongering so let's look at how Loki's responses to his environment and those around him are informed by his trauma--and how Mobius/the TVA are using his trauma to manipulate him.

One of the ways Loki deals with unpleasant or stressful situations is to verbally maneuver or posture, to try to assert control (if he feels he can reasonably do so). We see him do this with Tony in Avengers, who during their confrontation--at least for the moment--poses no active threat; instead of attacking him, Loki talks. In Thor, Loki tries several times to defuse situations with his words, which generally goes poorly for him. But when it comes to handling stress, it's essentially all he knows how to do--Mobius is absolutely right to point out that Loki "loves to talk," but usually his silver tongue is borne out of necessity.

In this case, starting from the moment of his escape, we see a lot of talking from Loki that is not strictly necessary. When he lands in Mongolia, the very first thing he does is make a speech to the bystanders--literally and figuratively trying to get his bearings. He's not aggressive at all (which would confuse the Avengers were they to see him, but wow, it's almost like Thanos/the Mind Stone was influencing him!) and seems quite at a loss as to what to do when the people he's addressing don't understand him. When the TVA agents try to arrest him, he tries to ask them what's going on, and gives plenty of warning (and posturing!) before attempting to physically assert himself. In the TVA itself, this continues. Loki complains, tries to intimidate, questions, and even talks to machines with no other real witnesses (twice). He's pulling out all the stops, so to speak, to try to verbally establish control of his situation. He's trying to get his bearings, to assert his autonomy and individuality--but no one is listening to him.

When that doesn't work, and only when a lot of that doesn't work, does Loki attempt physical control of his environment. He first tries his magic (something familiar to him) and is shocked when that also doesn't work. The TVA is already a foreign environment, but because none of Loki's usual and comfortable methods of surviving are working, it becomes more foreign, and more stressful. That's why he escalates to actively resisting the guards (but note he doesn't try too hard once someone (Mobius) starts talking). Physical resistance has never been Loki's forte, so he plays to his strengths while he can, but when that fails and he gets more desperate, he has to get creative.

But when Loki is stressed enough that he starts to physically fight back, the illusion of confidence starts to break down. We see this continue really clearly in the interrogation room scene. The subject matter actively makes Loki uncomfortable. His attempts to deflect or lie aren't effective, and his words once again fail to control his situation or even shield him from what he'd like to avoid. Unable to escape the direct questions, Loki again becomes physically restless and uncomfortable, standing and pacing while growing more obviously agitated. The questions Mobius is asking are ones Loki does not want to think about, and that's because they ultimately hit on his most vulnerable points.

The question of "What would you do if you could go back?" while seeming rather innocuous, is really a well-disguised gateway to all of Loki's trauma and insecurity. Why does he feel he should rule Midgard? Well, Loki attempts to respond, that's what he deserves, it's what he was born for--but it wasn't, really, and he knows it. Firstly, when it comes to his royal birthright, Loki has always fallen back on that as a grounding mechanism. It's what he asserts to claim his identity and feel powerful and in control. He does this with being a god, too, and we see him do this several times just within the TVA. But ultimately, it's just words--the real power is with those who can make what they want to happen actually happen, and in Loki's life, that has never been him. (Even talking about his birthright, and the concept of ruling, brings up the traumatic events of Thor 1; and the fact that he was looking to rule Midgard, not Asgard, means that he would still be playing second-fiddle to Thor. Midgard wasn't his birthright--Asgardians never ruled directly on Earth. It was just the best he could get.) And secondly, Loki's attack of Earth was directly caused and influenced by Thanos. That is the main source of trauma that Loki is desperately trying to avoid, and the questions he's being asked don't allow him to do so. He can't weasel out of it; Mobius is too persistent, and he knows all the worst buttons to push. In fact, he's systematically targeting Loki's weaknesses.

Look at the questions and statements he uses: "For someone born to rule, you sure lose an awful lot." Your birthright is false and you know it. "You weren't born to be a king. You were born to help others become the best versions of themselves." He juxtaposes this with footage of the Avengers, Thor among them: your identity only matters so far as you can enable others, especially your brother. Loki starts avoiding looking at the footage, becoming less brazen with his attitude and responses, so Mobius asks, "What is it that you're running from?" It's at about this point that Loki stands up, trying to physically distance himself from both Mobius and the question. This interaction reveals much about what Mobius is intending by this conversation. He's not trying to learn about Loki, necessarily. He already knows Loki is running from something, and seems to know what it is, which wouldn't be immediately clear to someone uninformed. What he's really trying to do is make Loki vulnerable, and make him admit it.

Mobius uses Loki's role in his mother's death to push him over the edge. Immediately, Loki turns on Mobius, furiously insisting that the whole thing is an illusion--more desperate verbal posturing, and Mobius treats it as such--and then Loki snaps, first throwing a chair at the painful image of his mother, which promptly reforms (it's inescapable), and then trying to attack Mobius. The fact that Loki is lashing out physically means he is desperate, but even his last resort isn't effective. He simply can't protect himself. He's powerless. That's triggering in and of itself.

But it's the footage that's the final blow. After escaping his restraints, he returns to the very room he left, and looks at his life. And he cries. He's so vulnerable and hurting and scared that in his first moment alone, he cries. And just as he thought he'd have a little bit of comfort, even laughing to see his improving relationship with Thor, he watches himself die a humiliating, pitiful, ignoble death, and hears himself say, "You will never be a god"--and that old boast means nothing because Thanos snaps his neck anyway. That moment, seeing the thing he was running from catch up to him and kill him, is his final emotional breaking point. When Loki laughs and bitterly says, "Glorious purpose," that's the end of the posturing. He's admitting Mobius was right: he didn't have a glorious purpose, or a glorious anything. Which is why when Mobius comes back, Loki tells the truth, unprompted. He actually calls himself weak. He admits he's been putting up an illusion in a feeble attempt to get control of his situation.

This level of vulnerability from Loki is unheard of, and speaks to how utterly he's been worn down by the very intentional psychological manipulation of Mobius and the TVA. When Loki entered, he was actively opposing them. Now, after having been massively triggered and emotionally exhausted, he's suggestible, and by playing a friendly angle, Mobius can manipulate Loki into working with them--and, literally, against himself.

Whether he has good intentions or no, that makes Mobius a truly formidable player, and one Loki--and we--shouldn't be too hastily comfortable with. He is clearly a master manipulator, and has no qualms using Loki's trauma to break him.

But what should be most concerning of all is that he succeeds. Because the only other person to have ever done that?

Is Thanos.

#marvel #loki #loki series #mobius #meta #my meta posts #kay can i just catch my breath for a second #now i haven't decided whether mobius is just a bro or whether he's secretly evil but lemme tell you i would not be surprised #he very well might be a good guy but the fact that he can break loki so quickly? with relatively little effort?#like. the fact that loki was emotionally strained enough to cry??? which he has never actually done??#that should be something we don't forget too quickly #quality meta seal of approval #not to hype my own post up i just put that on all meta posts so that i can find them #loki series spoilers

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art-of-mathematics · 2 years

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I am sick of never being able to eat. I am sick of never being able to eat enough to make the pain of this starvation-like process go away. Damnit, I never intended to not eat. But it all tastes like half-rotten rat corpses (especially the textures and smells).

It all decays. When I stand I almost collapse. No one beliefs me when they see me still getting fatter and fatter....

It appears as if I - theoretically - if I only ate grass and would do 9 hours of extreme sports a day I would even become the fattest shit on earth. Do I turn oxygen into fat?

I suppose the reason is really because I eat far too few.

This makes it twice shitty, because I literally can not eat without getting in another meltdown again and again. And I don't have the strength nor mental capacity to withstand this.

And I can't sleep. It needs 8 hours to fall asleep... And then you wake up because a shitty dude who spreads useless advertisements wakes you up 2 hours after you could finally manage to fall asleep. Then he asks you shitty questions like your name and telepohone number (¿¿¿)And because I have no mental capacity, I telljhim I canpt because my brain is still dead... and then he annoys you so long until you tell him.. s. I wish I didn't tell him... it is spam. It is annoying. But I couldn't even process to respond, and I didn't know how to tell him I don't want that, because I can't whatever the words are for showing and defending your boundaries...

And then you can't continue sleeping and are burdened with consciously experiencing the fully range of this devastating depression, to suffer for the next 20+hours,while also being so tired, but still being unable to sleep.

And that I have no one even barely helping with that makes it even more painful. Shopping this shit food is the worst, because meltdown. Frustration. Stress. Meanwhile even rather severe bodily weakness accounts to that.

Not having anyone to even remotely talk to... and seing how my 'parents' show me everyday again they were and never will be anything of parents even to the slightest.

Seing the psychiatrists and psychiatry make it even worse, as I have constant flashbacks of the emotional, psychological and even medical abuse I often had to endure in this hell of torture chamber.

I wish there would be hope it would ever change. I can't take it anymore to just survive another futile day' for decades now, not even the bare minimum most of the time.

I wish I could finally live, but best I could do is perish...

I am sorry for spreading my destructive depression. I just can't take it. I can't take to only talk with my own shitty self, I hate the sadists in my head, who strive for maximizing my pain and suffering.

I can't cope.

And knowing there is no one even slightly willing to help... or even listening...

And I hear the neighbours listening to really fucked loud TV or such constantly... It makes me wanna beat myself unconscious.

I wish I could split my consciousness from this shit body. And I don't even know who is worse...

Kill me, please. I can't endure this any longer.

#arfid problems #depression intensifies

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thefandomlesbian · 3 years

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WIP tag: thank you @scandinavian-punk for tagging me!!

Brace yourselves because I am about to word vomit on your screen—

(not including WIPs that are currently posted, since you can explore those at your leisure)

To Rule and Guide: The sequel to To Light and Guard, Lana and Mary Eunice go forward in their relationship, but they encounter hiccups along the way as old enemies rise, friends twist beyond recognition, and the church tries to call back the nun it released so recklessly.

Break Rank: John Laurens was shot down off of his horse and dragged away from the Battle of Combahee River, believed to be dead. A mutilated corpse was buried in his stead, but he awakens in a warm cabin to a middle-aged lesbian couple who nurse him back to health. Now disabled and with everyone believing he's dead, he has to try to make his way back up to New York, as there is only one person who will believe him.

Lead Me Astray: Spencer receives a diagnosis of malignant cancer behind his eyes, the first-line treatment being removal of both eyes. He quietly hands in his resignation to Strauss and earns a deal for medical retirement, and he intends to spend his remaining days setting things up to survive life alone as a blind man. However, when the team receives word of his decision to leave without telling any of them, Aaron hunts him down and demands answers. Convincing Spencer of his worth, both as a person and as a member of the BAU, is not easy, but it's necessary for the upcoming case they will face.

Like Minor Gods: Spencer lost a high-stakes bet with Derek. Now he's training for a triathlon. It's not exactly a fun time, seeing as his athleticism peaked when he was the basketball coach in high school, but with a little help from his unit chief, he may have a chance of crossing the finish line.

Shipwrecked Souls: After taking his leave from the BAU, Aaron struggles with Jack, who has developed increasingly concerning behavioral and psychological issues. Jack is riddled with anxiety and PTSD, and no matter what Aaron does to try to help, they wind up yelling at each other. Desperate for some help, he attends a seminar for parenting a troubled kid, where Spencer is surprisingly guest lecturing after earning his PhD in adolescent psychology. Aaron asks if Spencer will help tutor Jack—though Jack's failing grades are just the tip of the iceberg in regards to his current string of issues—and happily, Spencer agrees.

Singing While Rome Burns: After Foyet's escape from prison, Aaron has lost all of his coping skills. His family fell apart for his job, and he's apparently not even good at that anymore. He gets blackout drunk and wanders around lost in Rock Creek Park until he intends to call Rossi to come get him. Inadvertently, he calls Spencer instead. Spencer rescues him, and this act of mercy ignites a spark between them. But they walk a path ripe with trepidations, as Foyet is still on the move, Haley is busy settling the divorce, Strauss battles corporate challenges, and Spencer struggles to find where he fits in all of it with his new role in Aaron's life.

Spencer & Aaron: Dharma and Greg AU. Hotshot federal prosecutor Aaron Hotchner sees the most beautiful man he's ever met on the subway on his way to the office. He tries to go after him, but the doors slide closed, and he's left with a sense of longing—until he arrives at work to find the same man sitting on his desk. "You're Aaron Hotchner," he says. "You appeared in the Washington Post five months ago for putting away the Freeway Butcher. Your building security is weak. I was able to guess the passcode in two tries. I'm Spencer. I remember everything I read." On an impromptu first date, they recklessly decide to get married. On the days after, they bring together two incredibly different families and groups of friends, slowly teaching everyone that any relationship can work if there's enough love and compassion involved.

The Good Place: The Good Place AU. Corporate lawyer Aaron Hotchner was an asshole in life. In death, he awakens to find he's been placed in the Good Place by mistake. Partnered with his "soulmate," Spencer; a former nun, Emily, and her soulmate, Penelope; a spiritual vessel of knowledge, JJ; and two so-called angel-men, Dave and Derek, they find themselves dragged into a war which could challenge the very foundation the afterlife is built upon.

The Landscape After Cruelty: Spencer drives Aaron home from Quantico the day of Haley's death. Over the following days, he orchestrates everything from behind the scenes. He works with Jessica to care for Jack; he cooks meals for Aaron; he calls funeral homes to arrange services; he makes Aaron's appointments and then drags him to them by force. He makes himself indispensable. It only leaves Aaron wondering—why?

Insects in Amber: inspired by @ablogofthecriminalmindsvariety Whumptober prompt, infection. The team has split to handle two different cases. Spencer finds a breakthrough in the case he works with Aaron, but Garcia is busy with the rest of the team, so they go with no coordinates and no warning. When Aaron gets into combat with the unsub and they both fall down the stairs, the chamber doors seal behind them, trapping them inside. The unsub is dead, his neck broken in the fall, and Aaron's femur is protruding from his body where he landed. He's in an agonizing amount of pain, and Spencer knows the statistics for infection of an open fracture are bleak at best. No one knows where they are. They only have the hope that the team will find them soon—or else there will only be one of them to rescue.

Call Me Home: Cordelia Goode has finally escaped the oppressive home of her mother and has landed a job at the local animal rescue, Starfish, where she becomes fast friends with the quirky woman who works dog side, Misty. As shelter drama picks up, they learn together how difficult saving lives can really be.

Minor Bird: Acclaimed pianist, Misty Day, has decided to step away from her career and take an early retirement. Amateur Cordelia Goode wants to find out why. When her teacher makes arrangements for her to meet Misty in person, she learns that soon, Misty will not be able to perform any longer. In a crunch for time and desperate to learn more, Cordelia begs for Misty to teach her. In the process, they grow closer together than either of them ever dreamed.

The Sister Act: Lana Winters witnessed a horrible crime and has been placed in witness protection in an abbey for her own safety. She repeatedly butts heads with the Mother Superior, Jude, as she struggles to survive the trauma of what she witnessed. With the help of Sister Mary Eunice, she begins to appreciate the quiet spirituality of the place. But criminals are still pursuing her, eager to silence her before she can testify.

I've Got Your Demons (They're Crying Out for Love): Lana Winters aids Briarcliff in the exorcism of Sister Mary Eunice. Both are pregnant from crimes committed against them and against God. Lana places her son up for adoption; Mary Eunice's daughter is stolen from her, dumped on hospital steps with no note by Monsignor Howard who will not be held accountable for his actions. When Mary Eunice is well enough, she leaves Briarcliff with Lana, desperate to reconnect with her daughter, but it's years before they catch up to young Billie Dean Howard, and they find that demons still continue to touch them at every turn.

Autumn Hands: Audrey saved Shelby's life, but she couldn't save her mutilated vocal cords, permanently damaged by her attempt on her own life. All sorts of trials await them—criminal, medical, social—as they try to look past their fraught history and come together as the sole survivors of Roanoke.

On the Pyre, Before the Hearth: Lana Winters gets lost in the Louisiana swamp after she tries to find herself in the wilderness. There, she encounters a lonely hermit woman who has spent the past decade living in solitude and subsisting off the land. A flood forces her and Misty into one another's company for several days, but when it's time for Lana to leave, she finds she doesn't want to life with Misty ever again. Misty has her own secrets and reasons for hiding, unbeknownst to Lana, who writes and publishes about her experience in the hope of drawing Misty out of the woods. She has no idea the ramifications of her actions.

That... Should be everything 😳😬😐 I'm tagging @reidology @ablogofthecriminalmindsvariety @its-a-goode-day @honeyvenable and whoever else feels motivated to do it!

#ahs #american horror story #hamilton #criminal minds

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neworleansspecial · 3 years

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I Never Thought of Myself as Mean (I Always Thought that I’d be the Queen) | Letters!AU

Summary: Ava tells her side of the story

WC: 3.3k

Warnings: Sexual Assault, Murder, Suicidal Ideation

My name is Ava Bekker. I was a cardiothoracic surgeon with Chicago Gaffney Medical Center for a few years, but I had that taken away from me just like everything else. I write this letter not to instill pity, nor fear, but to express my side of the story because all anyone ever heard was that of the people who did this to me in the first place. Nothing I did could stop them from holding that over my head.

I write this letter also at the advisory of Dr. Sarah Reese, should that be of concern to anyone who reads it; my dearest Sarah wanted me to tell my side in hopes of bringing me some sense of closure, or perhaps catharsis, about the trauma which I faced at the hands of the Rhodes men. I do believe her timid assistant, Miss Sexton, only agreed for the purposes of publishing and analyzing my literature. I am sure edits will be made to my retelling to make it more palatable to the audience, though I will write things as they happened for this exact reason.

It occurs to me that my version of events will likely never become public in the way the story of those who victimized me is. It was published across thousands of news sites the way I allegedly brutalized Connor and Cornelius Rhodes, but not a single one asked me whether or not they got what was coming to them.

There are also fictionalized versions of the events. Some publishings said that I gutted Cornelius Rhodes like a fish, which is simply untrue. Reading the coroner’s report alone disproves that. It was Connor who died a bloody death, and even then, I showed him much more mercy than he deigned to show me. I will not bore the reader with such details now, as this is my side, and I intend to tell it chronologically.

I know that Connor never wanted me in Gaffney. The first thing Dr. Latham told him, even prior to the passing of Connor’s mentor, Dr. Downey, was that I would have been his choice for a fellow. I joined Med shortly thereafter from my position in South Africa. To be honest, I took the position for the raise it gave me. I made much more as a heart surgeon in a premiere Chicago hospital than I did in a small South African hospital. I didn’t care about who would replace me. I just wanted the money, and I wanted change. I have always been good at what I do, and I think Connor resented me for being better at this than he was. He hated that I was better than him. He hated that I was better liked than him. He hated that I was prettier than him.

Before my arrival, I was aware of the reputation he had. It persisted even in my presence. He slept around, with women and men alike, and he was viewed as being pretty. It was the blue eyes and the dark hair, I think, that made him so “classically beautiful” and earned him the attention he received. Patients and their families flirted with him as well as our coworkers. After I arrived, however, much of this attention was redirected toward me. It is not that I wanted, or even liked, this attention, but merely that I received it in lieu of him once I settled into my role as a CT surgeon at his side.

We performed many surgeries together, Connor and I; some things are easier with two sets of hands. He never listened to me in such cases. I was the lead surgeon more often, but he chose to ignore my instructions and advice, if he did not try to overtake my leadership altogether. I think he may have been unable to relinquish control to a woman, particularly one he was attracted to.

I do not claim his attraction as a facet of narcissism, but as a statement of fact. As I continue on, my evidence will become clear and one will understand how I know he found me, if nothing else, pretty enough to put his hands on. His father did to. The apple did not fall far from the tree with the Rhodes men, though Connor would deny such a thing. He did until his deathbed, after all. They were both narcissists and power-assertive rapists, a term I’ve read much about in my incarceration.

I’ve found myself reading near constantly since my arrest, primarily about trauma and psychology. I’ve read about myself. People have written papers on how I was able to “hide” a personality disorder, and the way I likely killed before, and I’ve read each one. Those who have never even come within ten feet of me claim to know me, and attempt to explain my behavior as a facet of mental illness rather than trauma.

I’ve debated myself whether Connor is a power-assertive or an anger-retaliatory rapist, though I’ve settled on power-assertive. He always hated me, of course, but he did not attack me as a method of punishment. He did it because he could, just as his father did. I read several pieces of literature about it, and watched old news recordings of Captain Olivia Benson from New York City. I wanted to understand them, though I know now I will not be able to get inside their heads enough to truly understand why they did what they did.

When I was a child, I was attacked similarly. I was eleven years old, I was scared, and I did not understand what had happened to me. I repressed the memory for a long time, and it is only recently that I have begun to remember it. There lies another thing to be angry and hurt about.

Connor and I were friends, if nothing else, for a little while. I liked him enough to not want him to leave, out of a fear that someone worse would take his place. He hated me, and then he realized his attraction to me outweighed his ego, and we reached a peace of sorts. I did not prefer his company even then, but I did learn to tolerate it, and became used to him. I do struggle with change, and always have, so I suppose I wanted to cling to the evil I knew. I knew what to expect from Connor. Or at least, at that point in time, I thought I did. While I knew how he felt about me, it never occurred to me that he may do something as vile as what he did.

Twice.

We were friends, though. Not close, but close enough, and when he was shot down on the hybrid OR due to funding and planned on taking the job at the Mayo Clinic, I did not want him to leave. As such, I stepped into his world, and that led me to his father, Cornelius Rhodes.

I had met Cornelius on perhaps one or two occasions prior, and he was the only person I knew with the funds to pay for Connor’s hybrid OR. I had hoped to convince him by reminding him how much he loved his son, and perhaps repairing their damaged bond for my benefit. I can admit, such a task was manipulative, but it was all I knew to do at the time, and as such, I tried. I dressed up nice and tried to do the right thing. I wanted to help Connor.

There was nothing nice or helpful, of course, about being pushed up against a desk and having my dress yanked up my thighs.

I would like to say that I struggled, but the truth is quite simply that I froze. I have read a lot about this phenomenon- the third survival instinct, beyond fight or flight- and learned that I am not the only one it has happened to. I could not move. I could not think. I could not breathe. My memory of the event remains hazy but I remember that it hurt, and he left bruises on my body that made me vomit every time I saw them. I hated what had happened to me, and I wanted to die.

I thought about killing myself, at first. My body, my soul, felt tainted by what had happened to me. I felt like I let it happen because I didn’t, couldn’t, fight him off. When I told my lawyer, I was asked why I never reported, but the truth is that I tried. I told Will Halstead’s brother, the only police officer I knew and believed I might be able to trust, and he sat me down with a very stern look on his face.

“Those accusations could ruin Mr. Rhodes’ life,” he said to me. “Why didn’t you fight back?” he asked me. “It’s not worth it to do a rape kit,” he told me. “You’re being overdramatic,” he informed me. He never made a formal report, nor did he pass this information on to his coworkers or superiors, and I felt humiliated for having to relive one of the worst things to ever happen to me, only to be berated for allowing it. When I was done speaking with Det. Halstead, I felt even worse than before and knew that no one would ever be willing to hear my side of the story.

Cornelius did not leave me alone after that. He sent me flowers. The moment I saw them, I knew I would never be able to escape what happened to me. I refused to leave Gaffney, however, because it did not seem fair to me that I should have to give up everything I ever worked for because of something that was out of my hands. It only got worse from there, but let it be said that I tried so hard to survive this and make it out unscathed.

I had nightmares where it happened again. The same scenario, the same rape, over and over again whenever I shut my eyes for longer than a blink. I could not forget it, and it was exacerbated by Connor’s eyes and his voice. He was so much like his father that I could hardly stand it anymore, but I still wanted things to be alright. I tried, day in and day out, to keep moving forward in time when it felt like my body wanted to sink into the earth like quick sand.

Then there was the gala, the one where Cornelius claimed I slept with him to get him to pay for the OR, and Connor punched him but he believed him. He had looked at me with that same arrogance in his eyes like he knew no one would ever believe me about what truly happened. I heard his voice calling me a whore all over again. I felt his hands on my body. My cheeks burned and my eyes stung and I wanted to die rather than live through this.

That is the first time Connor attacked me.

We were leaving, and I felt both exhausted and embarrassed on top of the pure terror that comes with reliving something like that. Of course, Connor was angry with me. He believed his father that I willingly slept with him. He didn’t want to hear that his father raped me, or that it happened because I was trying to do something nice for him. All he wanted to hear was that I had betrayed him. We were quiet in his car for about half the drive before he started yelling at me.

I didn’t invite him up to my apartment, but he came anyways. He followed me. When we were alone, he pushed me up against my door and put his hand on my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. All I knew was panic, and I tried to scratch at his hands to get them off of me, but nothing worked. He was stronger than me, and angrier.

He dragged me all the way to my bed and pushed me down. He tore my clothes off me and laughed at me for trying to cover my body with my hands. Connor pinned my wrists with his hands and my thighs with his knees and he assaulted me. I looked at the clock while he did, so I didn’t have to look at him, and it took hours for him to be finished violating me. I think it was. I remember it being around 10 when he started, and around 2 in the morning when I was able to move again. He was getting redressed and I saw my blood on the sheets. I curled up on the mattress and tried not to be sick. It was all I could do not to add to the mess. He did not say anything before he left

I chose not to report it this time, since they were so helpful when Cornelius attacked me. No one would believe me. Once I could move again, as painful as it was, I crawled to the shower and turned it on as hot as I could possibly manage without scalding myself. Then I took my scrub and ferociously attacked my skin with it, desperate to erase any and all traces of Connor on my body. I didn’t want to feel him anymore. I could smell his cologne, feel his hands, feel his lips still on my skin. I wanted him gone.

The next three days, I called out of work. I could not face the world, and certainly not Connor, after being brutalized a second time. I did not know that he would try once more, only that I was hurt and afraid and so uncomfortable in my own skin that it burned with every movement I made. At that time, I could not bear to return to my bed, so I stayed in the bathtub, shivering, until the sun rose the next morning and I could crawl out of the plaster. I spent those three days wallowing, unsure how to carry on.

Connor acted like nothing ever happened.

I did too, mostly because I didn’t know what else to do, but I was never the same afterwards. I could not stand the way his voice sounded, or the feel of his hands on my skin in a million casual touches carefully orchestrated to make me lose my mind entirely. I hated him. I was terrified of him. I wanted him dead.

That is not when I decided to kill Connor, however, and it was not even when I decided to kill Cornelius. At that point I was just scared. My decision to take back my courage and my sense of self was made much later on.

I began to hate myself in the aftermath of what Connor did to me. I had allowed myself to be assaulted twice, or at least, it seemed I had allowed it, and I could no longer trust myself to do anything. What kind of weakling must I have been? How stupid? I trudged on. I wanted to die, though I was too much of a coward to commit to it. Connor never mentioned what he did, and in fact continued to flirt with me and make comments about my inability as a surgeon compared to him. No one paid attention to my flinches when his hand touched my back or the way I cringed from the sound of his voice.

Some three months later, Cornelius was hospitalized and placed in my care because of a heart problem. As I looked after him, he talked about his memories of hurting me, and how lovely he found the sweat on my skin against his hands when he held me down. That was when I finally decided I had had enough.

It was not an impulse decision to kill Cornelius, though it was for Connor. I wanted this vile man off the face of the Earth. I waited for the right time, found an extra dose of insulin, and made to shoot him up with it. Unfortunately, this insulin had a contamination that could be traced back to me, something I did not find out until later.

After his father’s death, Connor confronted me with his accusations. He was correct, of course, but I lied to him and turned the tables back toward him. It would be beautiful for him to be imprisoned for my murder of his father. One rapist dead. One behind bars. I craved it, but I was too late. They would know it was me in a matter of hours.

I tried to run. I could return to South Africa, or make a home for myself in Brazil, or any number of things. I would need to pack a bag quick, draw cash quicker. It occurred to me that I did not have much time, if I had any at all, but I still made for an empty operating room to breathe and figure out my next step.

Unfortunately, Connor followed me.

He shoved me, hard, towards the surgical tray and put his hand around my throat just like he had when he hurt me. I panicked. Though he was not choking me nearly as hard, I couldn’t breathe past the memory of what he did. His free hand found the waistband of my scrubs and I knew he would do it all over again. So I did what I had to. It was my only choice.

I picked up the scalpel and slid it into his chest, dragging it and pulling to rip his torso open like he ripped open my soul. His hands fell from my body and his body hit the floor. He was still alive, frantically pressing down on the wound and gasping for breath when I did it again, across his stomach this time. Then I did the only logical thing. I made sure he would never even think about hurting me again. I pulled down his scrubs, though such an act made me gag, and I castrated him. He screamed, then. If people weren’t on their way before, they were then, and I knew I would not be able to escape. Connor’s final act as the light began to fade from his eyes was to ensure I would never be free of him. I would never be able to forget what he did.

When the police found me, I was laying next to his body, covered in his blood. I was laughing. I don’t know why. Perhaps it was the fact that I would never have to face either of the Rhodes men again. Maybe I knew my life would be spent in a cage. Or I just lost what few pieces of myself were left, and some sad, hurting, angry thing in a fit of laughter was all that was left.

I told my lawyer everything, but no one believed me, just as they did not believe me when it all happened in the first place. My rapes were never brought up in trial, only my responses. When I tried to make the claim, I was objected to. They shut me up. Dead men’s reputations were more important than my freedom.

The few friends I had all abandoned me. Not one of them wanted to hear what I endured. All they cared about was the murders, and then, only of the victims and not why I did it. Until Sarah, no one cared at all.

I still wonder if Sarah even cares, or if she merely means to profit off my suffering.

#sarah reese #ava bekker #reesker #chicago med #emwrite #letters!au #usercj #crockettstiddies

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sacrilegious-skeletal-scribe · 3 years

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i'm hesitant to speak/ about myself personally/

i guess it's a habit/ hard to kill terminally/

some infomation/ is simply not to be shared/

but mostly/ to be honest/ it's more than i'm scared/

i write/ as a profession/

though i suppose/ it's not much a confession/

i don't try to hide it/ though i could do it more/

some things/ i'm allowed to keep close to my chest/

name/ location/ you can fill in the rest/

information to retain/ we agree/ for the best/

though rather/ it's emotion/ i fear to share/

and you may disagree/ if you've seen me before/

or think/ wait/ hold on/ and continue to implore/

you pour out your feelings/ like an amateur whore/

which/ i admit/ has truth in the meaning/

and the noun/ i assure/ has no intent of demeaning/

for the widely regarded insult/ is more intervening/

lest i stray too far/ from self-deprecation/

to admit to my issues/ i haven't a problem/

excepting/ of course/ the right words to call them/

and thus i'm afraid to speak how i would/

lest i overrule/ those misunderstood/

this doubt is not a flaw/ not in its entirety/

but in absolutism/ it does peak my anxiety/

i am afraid/ of talking over those who have it worse/

or somehow devaluing them/ i want the reverse/

so it is with this sort of/ preemptive apology/

will i ever discuss/ the rough terms of my psychology/

but/ i admit/ this has grown out of hand/

this all had a point/ i'd still like to make stand/

i am/ a writer/ as i have told you/

a musician/ sometimes/ although it is bold to/

ignore my artistry/ this/ in the traditional sense/

for i enjoy it also/ having resumed the action/ in a more recent tense/

i sing out of tune/ though it's not on purpose/

and laugh far too loud/ it would seem on the surface/

but i've been holding it back/ with my system of nervous/

for far/ too many years/

this is a greeting/ of sorts/ i suppose/

though i did not intend to deliver it/ in my glorifled prose/

however/ there is a message/ i wish to propose/

about today's date/ or rather the month/ and the meaning enclosed/

there are several more months/ whom hold special power/

to those they are for/ to lift through the hours/

and we should take time/ to listen and let flower

those who encompass our anthropology ranks/

but this one is close to me/ i hold it dearly/

a place to be proud of myself/ a place not nearly/

afforded to many/ enough/ over-yearly/

and i would like/ to propose/ a toast/

here here/ to the gays/ who fit in the letters/

here here/ to the ones/ who sit in between/

here here/ to the trans/ agender/ and nonbinary fellows/

here here/ to the ones/ unsure if they make the team/

here here/ to the members/ of the alphabet mafia/

here here/ to the ones/ who can't say it yet/

here here/ to the young/ open and fighting/

here here/ to the ones aged/ with love/ and regret/

here here/ to the labels that finally fit you/

here here/ to those who don't live it/ but love and respect/

and here here/ to you/ o traveling soul/

here here/ to the decisions/ still only in silhouette/

here here/ to the mixture/ of human variation/

here here/ to the questioning/ the 'what am i' roulette/

you do not/ have to fit in the letters/

you do not/ have to struggle/ unseen/

you do not/ have to know your own gender/

you needn’t have one/ to live out your dreams/

you don't have to fly colors/ of the alphabet mafia/

you don't have to tell anyone/ to deserve love/ and respect/

you don't have to have known since you were six years old/

you still don't have to know anything/ yet/

so glory to you/ you queers/ made of stardust/

and glory to you/ made of earth/ and rain/

glory to you/ with partners you care for/

and glory to you/ whom alone/ remain/

i hereby mark this/ the first day/ of gay pride month/

with abundant and unrestrained love/

platonic and flowing/

and hopefully showing/

through the many/ words above/

and for those struggling/ know that so many love you/

it's okay/ you're allowed to exist/ to thrive/

to expect more/ than the right/ to merely survive/

and to the undecided/ the queer/ who don't quite know how/

to express their feelings/ with the labels allowed/

you too/ are permitted/ to simply exist/

to not quite know/ what titles fit/

you'll find them/ or make them/

and however it happens/ know/

it's alright/

we're/ all right/ behind you/

and finally/ to me/

to gift you some context/

i won't get too graphic/ i've said most of what i want/ yet/

there are things/ i would have said/ to the world/

most of you don't know me/ but some of you do/

and i would like to give you/ some more intimate clues/

i am asexual/ this one is straightforward/

the concept of sex doesn't really appeal/

there is a spectrum/ i fall somewhere neutral/

which is to say/ the inclination/ i don't feel/

i find women attractive/ i don't much for men/

and for those neither/ or all of above/

it's much like women/ sort of/ case by case/

i had called myself lesbian/ not so distant past/

just considered myself open/ to those less rigidly cast/

but along comes a problem/ though only to label/

in the form of my gender/ which i'd always thought stuck/

but now i tend to find/ in more of a flux/

somewhere between/ a they and a she/

some days hard-lined/ and some clouded/ fuzzy/

so do not despair/ if your gender or sexuality/

is no more specific/ than a shrug/ and a laugh/

you're feelings are valid/ no matter how vague/

and i daresay/

and no-one/ not anyone/

will ever be/ allowed/ to take them away//

#happy pride 🌈#pinning this for pride month #also write or whatever I’ll probably put that one back up in july but for now #/poetry/#and you don’t even have to squint that hard #turns out you can just say words and god can’t stop you #writing #gay #gay support #gay poetry #self indulgent gay poetry but gay poetry nonetheless #I waxed a little harder about myself than necessary #but I feel that I needed to say it #also this took me like an hour to write and near a half to edit and format so everything is as it will be #and my anxiety is kicking up at the abstract concept of letting other people think about me for more than three seconds #so I’m just gonna post this before I get cold feet #gay pride #tw mental health #just in case #it’s hard to distinguish mental health from my art given the inherent is of the one in the other #but I’m just gonna tag it anyway #better overly careful than responsible for a relapse #but happy gay pride month everybody #we did it #we’re here #long post #sorry #I’d cut it but mobile tumblr is shitty that way #shareyourpride

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1-whitemanswhore · 4 years

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Who’s Your Daddy

Summary: You’re promoting your new sexy film with costar Tom Holland while your boyfriend, Jake Gyllenhaal, promotes his own film on the same talk show

Warnings: Some cursing, daddy kink mention, implied smut

A/N: First fic ever. Needed more Jake G content. Sorry it’s longer than intended. Hope someone out there enjoys it <3

You found yourself strategically placed on Graham Norton’s couch between your costar Tom Holland and your boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal. The show’s producers knew exactly what they were doing sitting the three of you together. In their minds it would be comedy gold. Tom and you had been on the road promoting your new film. It was a smaller and more adult project than Tom had done as of late, since he mostly spent the past few years consumed with the MCU. Meanwhile your career had been on the rise. You had made the transition from stage to the big screen. Well, the kinda big screen. Mostly indie films like this one. In this movie you played a college student in the 90’s majoring in Psychology and minoring in women’s studies. Your character came from a conservative family and had a backstory that made the way she viewed and experienced sex...complicated. After leaving her family behind to go to college she aspires to pursue a career in sex therapy to help others and also find herself...sexually. She meets up with Tom’s character and lots of sex, feelings, and emotional healing follow.

The time on the road promoting the film had been fun, but you had really been missing Jake who was out promoting his own movie. You didn’t know how you would survive another 3 weeks without seeing him in person, but as luck would have it, someone had to cancel their spot on The Graham Norton Show the night you were going to be on. Jake who was also doing press was only a train ride away and was asked to fill the spot. So now there you were on sitting with Jake to your left, Tom to your right, and Ewan McGregor to the right of Tom. All of you with your alcoholic drink of choice sitting in front of you.

“Hello everyone, welcome,” Graham began. “And I feel like we should get this out of the way now. Jake is this a bit awkward for you?”

Jake scrunched his face, feigning confusion. “I don’t know what you mean. Are you talking about you singling me out first? Cuz, yeah, I'm a little uncomfortable,” he said letting out a small chuckle.

Graham smirked as he attempted to stir up some trouble. “I only ask because as we all know, you and Tom had quite the broman-excuse me- romance while filming Spider-Man. And a few months ago we found out you’ve been dating (Y/N) for the past year. And now (Y/N) and Tom are promoting a film where they’re engaging in a lot of...”

“Physical activity,” you interject while raising your left eyebrow with a smirk.

“Sure,” graham said. “Let’s stick with that.”

“You know this isn’t American television. You’re free to say ‘Fuck’” Ewan chimed in and the audience began to laugh. “The characters fuck.”

“Actually it wasn’t uncomfortable until this conversation began,” Jake laughed.

“I’m a little hurt you’re only asking about Jake’s feelings and not ours,” Tom added.

“(Y/N), nothing to add?” Graham inquired.

“I mean, I’ve gotten to make out with both of them, so I don’t really have any complaints. I consider myself to be pretty lucky in this situation.” Jake and Tom both chuckled along with the audience.

“Kind of making Tom seem like a side piece here.” Ewan said while giving Tom a sympathetic look.

“No I would say we’re more of a throuple.” You surprised yourself by saying it so deadpan. Tom sheepishly smiled. Jake choked on his drink but quickly recovered.

“True love.” Jake took another sip of his drink and looked directly at the camera before rolling his eyes.

“Must admit I’m feeling quiet excluded up here with them,” Ewan laughed.

“Tom you’ve had trouble in the past with breaking during scenes,” Graham stated. Jake laughed as he remembered trying to shoot a scene where he and Tom merely had to shake hands. Take, after take, after take, they could never get it down. “Did you have trouble with this movie as well?”

“To be fair, Jake and (Y/N) are both very funny people. I think that’s one thing that makes them such great scene partners, but...I think....well it’s also what makes them such terrible scene partners. It’s torture. I just can’t help myself sometimes.”

“Is there one particular scene that gave you trouble with (Y/N)?”

The smile on your face grew as Tom tried to figure out how to navigate his way through this question without embarrassing himself, you, and Jake too much. You on the other hand, were loving this moment. Jake was cool with the somewhat awkward situation of his girlfriend filming sex scenes with a close friend of his. It was work and he was a sweet, supportive, and loving boyfriend. He was absolutely perfect, but he was also a little shit. Before the show you met up for a, not as silent as you intended, quickie in your dressing room. Then he proceeded to tease you about the staff knowing what y’all did. But you enjoyed teasing each other and boy was this a great chance for you to get him good. And shit, you hadn’t eaten all day, so the alcohol was going to your head.

“I can think of a scene,” you said boldly. “Tom and I were shooting one of the sex scenes...” you paused as everyone around you snickered. You turned to glance at Jake to see his reaction. He was smirking back at you. He was curious to see where you were going to take this. “And during this scene I had to,” you couldn’t help but laugh at your own story, “I had to call Tom’s character ‘Daddy.’”

Jakes eyes widened as he leaned back on the couch and touched his beard. That’s not what he was expecting to hear. He let out a quick chuckle before making his face as serious as possible and sitting up straight. You were trying to get the words out but your own small laughs kept interrupting you.

“And I was having a hard enough time getting through the scene because I felt kinda ridiculous. Like no judgement, that’s some people’s thing but I was having a hard time keeping a straight face while doing it and...”

“‘Doing it.’” Ewan looked up at the audience giving them a funny look.

“She’s the one that usually prefers to be called daddy so it was a weird situation.” Jake interrupted with a deadpan delivery which only made you laugh at his joke harder. Your plan was beginning to backfire. You had been so ready to fluster him, but it was you and Tom who were now blushing and laughing uncomfortably.

You regained your poise and continued with your story. “So I’m having a hard time but I’m pushing through it and Tom was on the verge of losing it, probably, oh I don’t know...about every take.”

“Ok but you would change up the way you said it every single time! And you’d say it funny on purpose. How am I supposed to keep up with that?” Tom gestured to the audience looking for support.

“It’s called acting, Thomas,” Jake said with an eye roll.

“So we do a couple takes and Tom just keeps laughing. And I feel like I should mention that when I have to call him ‘daddy’ our characters are, well, they’re in the middle of fucking.” Your voice raised in pitch as you rushed through saying the word “fucking.” You took a moment to turn to Jake once again. The smirk reappeared on his face. He was leaning forward, waiting for you to continue your anecdote.

“So Tom’s on top of me and our bodies are pressed together so even when I can’t hear him laughing I can feel it. Eventually he decides that he should bury his face in my neck when I say the line so we can finally wrap up the scene. So we’re...going at it... I get to my line and before I can say ‘Daddy’ he pushes his face into my neck, and when I say finally said it he laughed,” the memory was make you crack up. Tom sat there slightly embarrassed as Jake continuously shook his head. “But this time his mouth was against my neck when he laughed and he just went ‘pfffffffft’ and basically blew a raspberry into my neck and spit on me and oh my god I fucking lost it. The whole crew lost it.”

With that the audience, Graham, and the entire couch busted out laughing. Tom put his face in his hands while you and Jake turned to each other laughing. Jake leaned forward so he could see Tom. “I see right through you, man. ‘Oh I just can’t seem to make it through this sex scene. Guess we’ll have to do it again and again.’ Is that why you and I couldn’t film a scene shaking hands? You just wanted to hold my hand for the day?”

You put your left hand on Jakes chest just under his gold chain. Your right hand finds itself on Tom’s shoulder. “Boys. Boys, please. Remember we are a throuple now. There’s no room for jealousy anymore.” You were joking, but also thought maybe if you innocently joked about it enough it might plant a seed you could harvest one day.

“Can I just promote my movie now?” Jake put his face in his hands to act annoyed and embarrassed, but was really just trying to hide his giggles.

Graham took back control over the interview asking Ewan about the upcoming Obi Wan show. You moved your hand to rest on Jake’s thigh as you thought about fucking him later in your hotel room and making him call you ‘Daddy.’

#jake gyllenhaal #jake gyllenhaal fic #jake gyllenhaal x reader #jake gyllenhaal x you #imagines #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x jake gyllenhaal

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 5 years

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Humans are Weird “The Cuteness Principal”

Hey guys, just wanted to get something small and fun out for this week. It isn’t very long, but I hope it’s funny, and you enjoy it :)

The Intergalactic Journal of Behavioral Psychology and Neurobiology

Humanity survives just like any other species. The Biological imperative demands that they continue their species through offspring. All species have this imperative ,though it is shown in different ways. For the Vrul, a sense of duty and logic evolved to tell them offspring was necessary; for the Rundi, the maturation of offspring is inevitable and not up to them in the first place. However, for humans the issue is a bit tougher to understand, for if you know anything about human offspring you know that they are helpless, loud, smelly, slimy, and generally unpleasant requiring years of parental care before they are capable of taking care of themselves. However, evolution created an ingenious way to not only keep humans from murdering their offspring out of frustration, but to make them WANT offspring.

This need is known as the “Cuteness Principle”. We don’t completely understand it, but we know that certain physical characteristics cause the release of the pleasure chemical “dopamine” in the human brain. Generally humans are rather bad dealing with these feelings and can react with perceived aggression, or feigned sadness. The two most common feelings include the desire to squeeze the cute thing or the over-exaggerated “awwwww” noise.

Now, only humans can accurately confirm what is cute, but we generally find things with large eyes, big heads, and small noses will do the trick. Unfortunately humans can also find inanimate objects cute. By utilizing the inverse size to width ratio, you can make an object cute to a human; that is if you make something stubby and fat a human will probably think it’s cute.

Anything that fits under this category is likely to attract human attention and the overwhelming desire to protect or take care of whatever it is.

“Alright everyone, now remember, the GA reports say the Celzex are a very proud warrior race and have easily offended honor. It is important that we remember to treat them with respect, difference, and maybe a little bit of awe or fear, you know to boost their egos.” Commander Vir said adjusting the captain’s cap atop his head and straightening out his uniform.

In deference to this new, and proud warrior race, they had all donned their most formal garb. The Commander wore his uniform complete with cords, gloves, and ribbons while Sunny had done her ceremonial Drev armor. Krill didn’t wear clothes, so he just came as is. A couple of the marines and a few members of the bridge crew trailed behind that, all dressed to impress.

The Galactic Assembly had sent them ahead of the main envoy to meet with the Celzex under the impression that the two warrior races of humans and Drev would be best equipped to deal with this new race.

Together, they stopped just outside the conference room and made a few last minute adjustments to their uniforms. Most, if not everyone, eyed the door wondering what they would find behind it. Images of six foot tall monsters stuck with spines and mouths lined with glistening teeth.

Commander Vir took a quick, deep breath, and then pressed the button at the side of the door which slid open with a hydraulic hiss. He stepped forward single eye scanning around the room, and then immediately froze, “Sweet mother of…… aw-” A hand dropped onto his shoulder squeezing painfully to cut him off before he could continue.

Commander Vir turned to look up at Sunny, who had stopped him, his eyes were wrinkled in an imploring expression. Behind him, the other humans were filing into the room only to freeze in their tracks. Together their heads tilted, their shoulders bunched, and, despite having the prudence to keep silent, mouthing long and drawn out awwwws to each other.

Sunny had only ever seen this reaction on a couple of occasions usually involving small animals, and tiny human offspring.

For the commander’s part, he was able to keep his mouth shut only with some difficulty as he fought back the desire to pick one up and hold it, to squeeze it. It was just…. Too adorable.

The proud warrior race of the Celzex where about two feet tall at most constructed out of a colorful ball of fluff, with comparatively large feet and tiny toes. On its torso, which also acted as it’s head, it had a sort of piggish snout, massive wide eyes and a floppy pair of pig-like ears atop its head.

Commander Vir looked back at Sunny with a near pleading expression.

She shook her head at him as if to warn him that it would not be prudent to cuddle the delegation party.

One of the adorable creatures stood just then and marched over to where they stood. It’s feet were so large, that it was forced to walk with a rather floppy waddle. It wasn’t slow mind you, they actually looked quite nimble, but the walk definitely did not help. Sunny kept a hand on the Commander’s shoulder as he fought tooth and claw against his own instincts to squat down and ask the creature it’s name in his sweetest baby voice, used for dogs, and small children.

The creature stopped at his feet and looked up expectantly large eyes narrowed.

The human fought down another aww face, and snapped his hand to a salute, “L-” He cleared his throat here facial muscles twitching aggressively as he tried to maintain a serious face, “Lord Celex, I am Commander Vir of the UNSC and adjunct representative to the Galactic Assembly. We welcome you aboard our ship. Is there anything we may provide you during your stay?”

Lord Celex glowered up at the commander with one eye closed slightly more than the other. The effect was….. Probably not what Lord Celex had intended. Commander Vir’s mouth twitched, and his chin trembled. Sunny commended his efforts to fight back a smile.

He was clearly fighting a losing battle.

“We require none of your frivolities human. We are here to speak business though I warn you we will not tolerate disrespect from you or any of your men.” Though his voice was relatively normal through the translating software in their implants, they could still hear the high pitched yipping noises that were its real language.

Glancing over her shoulder she found similar reactions on the other humans. One of the marine’s eyes widened and he had to turn away covering his mouth with a hand.

There was a multitude of biting lips, staring at the ceiling, and downright smiling as they failed to hold their composure.

One of the marines stared ravenously forward with a hungry expression as if she planned on gathering them up in her arms and formally adopting them as her fuzzy children.

Commander Vir walked up to the table and pulled out a chair, “Shall we begin discussions then…. my …. Lord.” He tugged at the collar of his uniform, and Sunny watched the small creature stand taller. She realized with some amusement that his Lord probably thought the human was nervous…. Intimidated by his impressive stature and soldierly bearing.

Lord Celex and his followers refused to ask for smaller chairs, and in so doing they spent at least ten minutes watching as the creatures climbed onto the chairs, with some difficulty. Commander Vir fought heroically against a smile as the warlord scooted, wormed, and inched his way onto the chair using his face to balance himself before standing up.

Another marine looked onward as if he was just aching to go over and help them, or even to just hold one for a few seconds. The reactions about the table were similar, hands were rung, faces fought against their natural inclinations. Smiles erupted only to be covered by hands.

Sunny had never seen such longing on the face of any creature before.

It was almost heartbreaking to watch.

And it only got worse once the Celzex decided to explain their war practices to the humans. Though the Celzex had, somehow, managed to build ships and travel the universe, they also had no hands, so war, or dueling involved standing about ten feet apart from each other then running headlong into each other. Whoever fell over, or was knocked out lost and was forced to forfeit. This may have been manageable to control if they hadn’t brought videos to ‘demonstrate their might’.

Krill, standing off to the side, worried that the humans might just erupt. Trying to hold back laughter like that couldn’t have been healthy. A marine at the far end of the table struggled so hard his face was red, his body shook, and tears streamed from one of his eyes hand over his mouth as he fought desperately to keep quiet.

Commander Vir utterly failed to keep the smile from his face grinning madly hands clutched tightly on his lap.

Others of the marines clasped their hands as well held up to their chests with doting expressions.

Sunny found herself grateful that the Celzex appeared not to be able to read the human facial expressions. She was, however, forced to fight off a laugh. Coming from a true warrior race these practices were more than laughable.

“You see that we are not averse to war. Our people are mighty warriors and have been for thousands of years. You would do well to respect us, human! If the Galactic Assembly wishes to ally themselves with our might they must be willing to give us the respect we deserve. Is that clear.”

“Of course…. Lord Celex, the assembly will honor you wishes to- to the best of-its-abilities.” His voice had raised a few octaves straining against the baby voice, and a fit of laughter. The muscles about his mouth worked furiously to control himself, and he stood quickly saluting the creature again, “Forgive our quick exit… m-my Lord.” his voice was so tight by the end of this Krill worried that his larynx would blow apart with the pressure

Lord Celex waved a foot dismissively at the humans who were hurriedly rushed form the room, looking over their shoulders and back towards the Celzex with expressions of longing so profound Sunny worried she would have to tackle them.

Out in the hallway the humans were silent as they hurried up the hallway and away from the conference room. Once they were at a sufficient distance, the entire group of them burst into rochus laughter. Leaning against the walls, and sinking to the ground they were practically crying.

Through tears one of the marines lifted his hand and waved it about, “I am…. Lord Celex...f-fear my wrath.”

“I will destroy you with the power of cuddles!” more laughter

“But seriously guys can we just talk about HOW CUTE THEY ARE!” The sentiment was chorused. “I just want to hold one so bad.” One of the humans pouted looking down at their empty hands sadly.

Commander Vir leaned against the wall, “That was the hardest thing I have ever done…. I just wanted to…. To squeeze it ...”

“So fluffy!” one of the other humans moaned.

Sunny had a feeling it might be prudent to send a different negotiating team next time. The humans had been valiant in their efforts, but they had been defeated profoundly by lord Celex. If things came to a war, she feared for their safety simply because the humans would be more likely to snuggle the creatures than to make war with them.

#humans are space orcs #humans are insane #humans are weird #earth is a deathworld #Earth is space Ausralia #humans are space australians #humans are space oddities

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beneaththetangles · 3 years

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Reader’s Corner: Silver Spoon, Solo Leveling, and the Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya

Solo Leveling, Vol. 1 (novel)

The immensely popular webtoon, Solo Leveling, features a basic premise about a young man rising from the lowest of ranks of “hunting” to become incredibly strong. It’s most appreciated for its art, so the question is, if the story is mundane, does it’s forerunner, which lacks any illustrations, hold up? It does—surprisingly well. Volume one of Chugong’s novel series, originally published on the web and now being released by Yen Press, traces the story of Level-E ranked hunter, Jin-Woo, in mesmerizing detail as he “levels up” following an experience that should have lead to his demise. That opening is only one of a number of violent but engaging episodes in the novel, which also relies heavily on descriptions of game-like mechanics. As the rare anime fan that isn’t a gamer, my eyes usually glaze over such details, but Chugong’s vivid but spare descriptions kept me engaged, as the protagonist moves quickly along his journey, which still, is well structured, even if his characterization if less developed. That’s both a flaw of the series and a point of question: Is Jin-woo’s desire for “Money, honor, and power” meant to be admired, glossed over, or criticized? I’m not yet sure, and I wonder if Jin-Woo’s moral development will become a significant part of the story beneath the well-crafted verneer of fighting and powering up, which as imaginative as it is, can’t very well carry an entire series—can it? ~ Twwk

Solo Leveling is published by Yen Press, which provided a review copy.

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project, Vol. 18

I did it (insert GIF of everyone applauding Shinji here). I finally finished reading Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project. And let me tell you something about it: While there are science fiction undertones and references to the original series throughout that give you genuine laughs, by the end, the series is primarily just an ecchi teen romantic comedy with Evangelion characters as window dressing. Every chapter is an opportunity for Shinji to mistakenly trip, fall, and accidentally grope a girl. Every other chapter, by the end, sees a character with exposed breasts—sometimes because of said clusiness, sometimes because the mangaka just decides to draw an extended group bathing scene. This volume gives the final actual reference to an Evangelion, but once again, there’s no actual use of it. This alternate Eva-verse is, in the end, a school harem romance and not a science fiction epic that discusses about real issues like depression. For some, that’s fine. For others, the blatant fanservice will be too much. For me, I am still so very struck by how out of character both Shinji and Gendo act in this series when compared to the original . I guess Yui Ikari being alive really made a huge difference! ~ MDMRN

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project, Vol. 18 is published by Dark Horse Comics.

The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya

First released in the U.S. eleven years ago, and originally published in 2004, Yen Press has rereleased The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya (along with all the others) to coincide with the new Haruhi Suzumiya light novel. After all this time, it holds up surprisingly well, and in fact perhaps takes on more meaning now in the booming light novel industry as a series that—as with the anime—inspired so many of today’s writers. A quick read—it tells just one longer tale instead of several shorter one, coming in at under 200 pages—every sentence is meaningful, every chapter tightly structured, and every emotion hits with precision and sharpness as the series at once returns to an older act, takes the story to new places (and new heights), and brings in questions from the future as Kyon wakes to discover that the SOS Brigade has disbanded, no one has ever hear of a Haruhi Suzumiya, and Asahina and Nagato no longer have their peculiar powers. The volume works so well because it depends on those preceding it, not only for it’s “return to the past” plot but also as it ramps up the nostalgia and emotions in both Kyon and the reader. Everything is predicated on how the reader feels about these characters, leading to a tale that’s simultaneously a love fest for the series and one that is satisfying in its own right. Disappearance proves to be, much like its characters, a light novel that surely is timeless. ~ Twwk

The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya is published by Yen Press, which provided a review copy.

The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey, How About Treason?), Vol. 1

What we have with this mouthful of a title is a more comedic (and non-isekai) take on the kingdom-running light novel. Prince Wein is appointed regent to run the country of Natra in place of his ailing father, but given how terrible the state of his nation is in financially, he would much rather just sell the country off and run away. Yeah, he’s lazy and a coward. The problem is, he’s also a bit too smart for his own good, and plans that he intend to go towards relieving his workload and avoiding confrontation only make people believe he can totally win wars and bring the country back to greatness. (It helps that the countries trying to deal with Natra have issues of their own…) The result is an amusing read as I had fun seeing Wein pull out plans that work a bit too well and have him suffering from success. I also liked how his relationship with Ninym, his childhood friend and primary aide, is framed in the story both as a teammate that Wein relies on to help run the country, and also a close companion (and love interest) whom he banters with but also trusts deeply and does not tolerate any insults toward her from others. Overall I’m definitely looking forward to reading more from this series and how Wein will continue to help his country more than he might want to. ~ stardf29

The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey, How About Treason?), Vol. 1 is available from Yen Press.

Dragon Head

Dragon Head was a horror manga series I picked up last year from a Kodansha Halloween Humble Bundle. Let me tell you—it is dark, earning its way into that genre heading. The first volume begins with three teenagers trying to survive in an underground subway tunnel after an earthquake event caused its collapse. As the story progresses, and effects on the surface world around them are revealed, the characters discover that the earthquake was no isolated incident but something that struck all of Japan. It is gritty and violent at times. Yet, the overall story and a desire to see how these characters survive kept me reading page after page. I finished the entire 10 volume series in about three days time as I had a hard time putting it down. The ending is is a hard one, and perhaps very fitting for this work, leading readers to consider how widespread the problems that struck and set the events of the series really are. Psychological horror indeed. ~ MDMRN

Dragon Head is published by Kodansha.

Silver Spoon, Vol. 1

With Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood continuing its tear through our annual AniMarch Madness tournament, I turn my attention to the other now-classic work from mangaka Hiromu Arakawa. Silver Spoon, which ended its run in 2019, is a fish out of water tale featuring high school freshman Hachiken, an academic-focused city boy who decides to attend an agricultural high school in Hokkaido. Volume one has fun with his inability to get used to farm life, though it also sensitively looks at his reasons for choosing this high school while showing that even early on, Hachiken is growing, such as when he condescends horses only to be taught how the majestic animals can show the rider a different perspective on life. It doesn’t take long for readers to grow attached to the series characters, like Aikawa, who is the determined to overcome his sensitivity to blood and death to become a veterinarian, and Nishikawa, who loves tractors and mecha. But most of all, Hachiken makes for a compelling character. Like Edward from FMA, Hachiken is easily frustrated but kind and open; it’s lovely to see him already developing among friends so different from what he’s used to, even while seeing him frequently fall (and slowly get back up)—a source of laughter page after page in this wonderful introductory volume. ~ Twwk

Silver Spoon, Vol. 1 is published by Yen Press, which provided a review copy.

#Manga #Light Novels #Solo Leveling #Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Shinji Ikari Raising Project #Shin Seiki Evangelion: Ikari Shinji Ikusei Keikaku #The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya #Suzumiya Haruhi no Shoushitsu #The Genius Prince’s Guide to Raising a Nation Out of Debt (Hey How About Treason)#Tensai Ouji no Akaji Kokka Saisei Jutsu: Sou da Baikoku Shiyou #Dragon Head #Silver Spoon #Gin no Saji #Reader's Corner #Articles #Author: TWWK #Author: MDMRN #Author: stardf29

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theritualofourexistence · 3 years

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Odes to Old Gods

I started this year intending to journal about things I survive. Then at the end of the year, I could look back on my challenges and think about them in a more positive way--wow, look at what I overcame! The plan was to document everything, both good and bad, so that I could think about them more as experiences and lessons learned than as... good and bad.

Needless to say, I stopped keeping track of those things in April.

Earlier this month, I pulled out the journal again to update the list. I ended up quitting on that too.

I do think, though, that in a less chaotic year, thinking about my life this way would be good practice. So, here I am, sharing my list with you in the form of an end-of-year, wrap-up blog post.

A few quick caveats:

This year was hard for literally everyone except maybe Jeff Bezos.

It is not healthy to compare challenges or struggles or suffering.

I am not sharing this because I am looking for sympathy... I believe that being vulnerable is a very important part of the human experience but we can all also use a reminder that we never really know all of what anyone is experiencing. We shouldn’t need that reminder to treat others with love... but the older I get, the more I think those reminders might be necessary.

Things I have survived in 2020:

- A bit of a stalking experience in January which has since been resolved.

- Losing my job, hunting for a new job, securing a new job, training for the new job.

- My first Harry Potter tattoo for my ten-year tattooiversary.

- The fires in Australia.

- An absolutely wonderful trip to NYC with my dad when I got to see both Beetlejuice and Hadestown and have an enormous strawberry cheesecake milkshake from Junior’s.

- Losing Kobe Bryant.

- Parasite absolutely CRUSHING the Oscars.

- Having a really, really good visit with my grandparents in March before all hell broke loose.

- Weinstein being convicted and sentenced.

[Everything after this point happened during a global pandemic.]

- Losing Grandmom. I was unable to attend her funeral and still have not had the chance to grieve this loss with my extended family.

- Losing my health insurance.

- A Zoom party for my Grammy’s 80th birthday.

- Losing Breonna Taylor. And George Floyd. And so, so many others. This is the first year I have really committed to understanding the current race-related issues this country faces and BOY, do we have work to do.

- The stress but success of orchestrating a safe family trip so that I didn’t have to go an entire year without seeing my brother.

- Losing my shifts at my primary job due to virus-related concerns.

- Countless other family happy birthdays over Zoom.

- My 60-year-old mother returning to work face-to-face with a student population that largely ignores all virus-related guidelines despite her working tirelessly for months this spring to offer UHS providers an adequate work-from-home option.

- Being diagnosed with hypertension.

- A nightmarish friend trip. Despite our best laid plans for a safe and healthy visit, Mother Earth decided to trap me 90 miles north of my best friends for 4 days. I eventually got to see them for about 12 hours and honestly, it was worth it. That is the only time I’ve gotten with them all year.

- Losing Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

- The selection of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court.

- Our sweet girl Clio being diagnosed with a seizure disorder and then coming down with a life-threatening upper respiratory infection.

- Learning that my grandmother would be voting for Trump in the 2020 election.

- The actual election.

- Losing Rooster, my sweet, sweet boy.

- Learning that my uncle has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer.

- Missing Thanksgiving with my extended family.

- Getting really excellent holiday gifts for my favorite people.

- Missing Christmas with my extended family.

- Safely spending some holiday time with my immediate family.

That is FAR from everything. But I don’t have the energy? Capacity? Time? to sort through everything.

Here are the things from this year that I am still currently surviving:

- A global pandemic! And all the associated chaos. With my asthma and high blood pressure and obesity, I am considered high risk and am still not able to safely return to my primary job.

- Hypertension! More on this later.

- Grieving Rooster. In the days after we said goodbye, I wrote a memorial that I will eventually share here. Psychology has recently analyzed data suggesting that losing a pet can be equivalent to losing a relative... I have never felt grief like this. It’s been over a month. I cry every night.

- Managing Clio’s health. She is still adjusting to her seizure medication, which she gets twice a day, and is still on medication to help with lasting symptoms of the respiratory infection. She is fussy about food and her weight fluctuates a lot week to week. She is also a feral rescue who has only ever been handled by me, my mom, and our vet. If mom and I are ever going to vacation together again, we will need to find someone who can manage catching and pilling her twice a day... no easy feat. Fortunately, at the moment, vacations aren’t really a thing for either my mom or I and I am working hard to approach these concerns in a cross-that-bridge-when-we-come-to-it way.

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This year has been overwhelming. The last two months alone have been overwhelming. And they would’ve been overwhelming without the added spice of a global pandemic. The number of Americans we have lost to this virus has doubled since I last posted here in mid-August. Some time this week we are likely to reach a point where we’re losing 4,000 Americans per day. PER. DAY. This year has been overwhelming.

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There were some good things this year, of course. I am so, so thankful for all the time I got with my immediate family and the very brief but vital time I got with my friends. Fortunately I am only ever a text away from my closest friends and we are able to message pretty much every day. I am also extremely glad to have found a place in the fantasy enamel pin community. The family I’ve found in pin-land has carried me through some of my lowest points this year. I spent more time in view of the ocean than I typically do in a given year... even though much of that time was still riddled with anxiety. I did art this year. I read books this year. Some really important ones, in fact. If you read nothing else in 2021, read The New Jim Crow. I also got tattooed! I’m going to include those here because I think the significance of each reflects something interesting and important about all I have survived and am surviving this year.

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In January, I got my first Harry Potter tattoo! My favorite quote from the entire series is delivered by Hagrid during the Triwizard tournament:

”What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.”

I got that incorporated into a tattoo. In January.

Also in January I got a “Prisoner of Donuts” tattoo... because life just wouldn’t be manageable at all without donuts.

In March, I got a bird of prey carrying a book to represent one of my all time favorite poems, “On Thought in Harness” by Edna St. Vincent Millay. The final lines of that poem:

“Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen. Depart, be lost, but climb.”

In July, I was able to safely navigate getting a tattoo that symbolizes the saga told in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. LOTR is my first and oldest fandom and the story is still so, so important to me today. The lessons I learned from Tolkien when I was a kid also carried me through some of my hardest moments this year.

Also in July I got a Plumpy tattoo. That’s right. Plumpy. From Candyland. If you haven’t played the game in a while, you may not remember Plumpy. He’s one of the first characters you meet on the game board... and one of the worst cards to see when you’re close to winning the game. You could be three damn squares from the finish line and pull the Plumpy card and back to the beginning of the board you go. Plumpy is a really great reminder that even when we have no choice but to lose ground, we can gain that ground back again. And hey, once you pull the Plumpy card from the deck, you likely won’t see him again for a good long while.

In October, I was able to safely navigate getting my second Harry Potter tattoo. Neville has always been one of my favorite fantasy characters and I chose to carry him with me permanently. His courage, despite so, so much bullshit, inspires me every day. I also got a nautical tattoo for my mom’s ancestors who came to this country and fought in the Revolutionary War. Just as my family has a long and proud history of fighting for what matters, I too will carry that banner, even if it looks very, very different in the modern age. My third tattoo of the appointment is a cuckoo holding playing cards, a nod to one of most important stories I’ve read: Ken Kesey’s “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” This book has informed not just my personal journey with mental illness but my passion to work in the field as well. My final tattoo of my October appointment, less than a week before the 2020 election, is a weeping Lady Justice.

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This year has made me look critically at things I very comfortably ignored for a long time. I would hope that it has done the same for most of you. Very little if any of this year was easy for me... but the most important lessons are never easy to learn. I’ve spent this year more worried and more angry than I’ve ever been before... and all I hope to do moving forward is use that fear and that anger to make this country, this world, a better place. Miss me with your resolutions this year. Every single day we should prioritize surviving and treating others with understanding and active love. I worked hard to do that this year and I will continue to work hard to do that every day. I’m proud of the work I’ve done. And in case it wasn’t clear, I’ll be dragging as many of you as I can on this journey with me. If you really feel the need to make a resolution this year, resolve to learn. Resolve to understand. Resolve to read The New Jim Crow and then TAKE ACTION. Take action with your votes and your voices and your money. Resolve to act.

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This year wouldn’t let me escape it without being put on blood pressure medication, despite my best efforts to lower my blood pressure without it. Although I had gotten back down into a healthy range for a few weeks, RBG’s death and the landslide of utter shit that followed that completely wrecked all the progress I had made. I’m not happy about adding a new medicine to my regimen. I’m not happy about adding a new chronic diagnosis to my already lengthy laundry list. I did not expect 30 to look like allergy pills and three daily moisturizers and foot stretches and Metamucil and acid reducers and migraine medication and iron supplements and six prunes a day and chronic pain and blood pressure medication... but here we are. I’m exhausted from working so hard to be healthy just to have all that work not be enough. I feel very much like my body is giving up on me... and that is a feeling I am struggling with a lot right now. My soul is a vibrant but powerless passenger in a car speeding towards the edge of a cliff.

I’ll keep trying though. I start my new medication tonight. Hopefully it helps. Hopefully the side effects are manageable. I don’t really feel like I can handle much more... but I guess we keep going until we can’t.

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I have no expectations for 2021 to be better. I don’t have much hope for it to be better either. This vaccine will saves lives and that’s really good news. But a lot of other things will be difficult, will stay difficult, will become difficult. I’m going to try to keep fighting, and I hope you do too.

“What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.”

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carelessgraces · 4 years

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HISTORY (tw: abuse, torture, death)

** Please note – this history is developed through extensive plotting with acciortum, who writes both Daphne and Henry Greengrass. I am always interested in writing with other portrayals of Daphne, and in those cases will develop a new background developed with my writing partner. I do have alternate backstories, which will be linked here.

This history is also developed with Astoria’s relationships with her Draco Malfoy (found at potterstillstinks) and Harry Potter (found at goldensaviour) in mind. Unless otherwise plotted, Astoria is, by default, involved with Draco.

Their romance was unexpected – Henry Greengrass was already married the night he met Veronica Grimani, a bold and beautiful woman with dreams of knights and dragons and castles. What began as a single night’s indiscretion became a years-long affair, as Henry and Veronica grew inseparable, and both were content with the arrangement until Veronica fell pregnant. Henry, who had fathered a daughter with his wife the year prior, was hopeful for a son, and Veronica began to hope for a more permanent commitment from the man she loved. As Henry began the process of casting his wife aside to marry his mistress, a second daughter was born – Astoria.

Her birth did not come without consequence. Henry insisted on seeing the divorce through and marrying Veronica even without the birth of a son. His parents were furious, and refused to recognize Astoria as a Greengrass; Veronica’s parents, initially angry that their daughter had abandoned the family’s thriving business to live as a married man’s mistress, softened when they saw that he intended to marry her, and spoiled their granddaughters rotten. The gravity of these changes mattered little to Astoria; she had everything she needed, and could want for little else.

While Veronica, worried about Daphne after the divorce, grew closer to her stepdaughter, Astoria was drawn most to her father. The only member of the household who could always find a welcome in Henry’s office, she spent many nights curled up at her father’s side, watching him work until she drifted to sleep. While Daphne was the unquestioned heir to the Greengrass legacy, expected to take on the family business, Astoria – with her father’s hair and temper (and with his smile) – was the embodiment of that legacy. Perhaps a sibling rivalry would have been expected under such circumstances, but Astoria and Daphne were inseparable from the start. They were sisters, and nothing else mattered.

When Daphne was with her, everything was perfect. But after Daphne received her Hogwarts letter, Astoria was left alone, and in her solitude, she suffered as much as she thrived. Daphne’s influence had been positive, but it had allowed Astoria to remain in the background; now, as the only Greengrass girl at home, she felt the weight of her father’s expectations, and of her name. Her lessons increased in intensity, and she drove herself harder than she ever had before to prove to her family that she was worth their pride, and to prove to herself that she was worth her own.

She and her mother maintained a strong and solid relationship. As much as Astoria was like her father, she was also a Grimani. Her pride, adaptability, and fire made her in many ways the spitting image of her mother. Veronica doted on her, as she did Daphne, and denied her nothing. She taught her daughter the lessons important for any woman to learn – that her own value was not dependent on anyone else’s estimation of that value, that she (and she alone) owned her body, that she carried within her centuries of power.

Two years later, she was Sorted into Slytherin, reunited with her sister yet again. Her years of silence in her father’s company had taught her to observe, and she learned early on that a sweet smile and bright eyes would win her far more victories than anything else. The summer before her fourth year, she met her godmother only briefly. Before then, Alecto Carrow had been a spectre, a memory imparted from her mother; now, Alecto Carrow was everything.

Godmother and goddaughter exchanged letters for a year, with Alecto supplementing Astoria’s education. It was from Alecto that Astoria received her first copy of Machiavelli’s The Prince, and through Alecto’s instructions that she began to realize the ease with which she could manipulate the people and circumstances around her to fit her needs. The following summer, she was invited to stay with her godparents, ostensibly to make up for lost time, and it was there that her true education began.

From Alecto, she learned how to cast the Imperius, and how to resist the curse when cast upon her. From Amycus, she was taught medical magic, developing an uncanny understanding of the human body and the limits to which it could be pushed. As her education continued, he taught her the Cruciatus curse, both how to cast and how to endure. At the end of the summer, she was presented to the Dark Lord by her godparents, whose bitter dislike for Bellatrix Lestrange had prompted them to seek out a student of their own, and when the Dark Lord found her acceptable, she was given the Dark Mark. Astoria returned to Hogwarts that autumn a new girl: quiet and withdrawn, but infinitely deadlier than she ever could have dreamed.

Astoria’s instructions at Hogwarts were clear: she would discipline students on the Carrows’ behalf to continue her education whenever asked, and she would gather as much information as possible from her fellow students. When she failed, she was disciplined herself, facing Amycus Carrow’s harsh temper. During the war, she began to develop a friendship with none other than Bellatrix Lestrange’s protege; Draco Malfoy understood what it meant to be a child fighting on the wrong side of the war, and the two relied on one another in all things. Their fondness for one another started out of necessity, and strengthened due to their shared trauma, but their genuine affection grew, setting the foundations they would need to last. They were each other’s first love – and each other’s last.

At the Battle of Hogwarts, Astoria sought out the Carrows after they’d been brought to Ravenclaw Tower; freeing them required that she give them the opportunity to kill the Auror who stood guard over them. This murder, committed by Amycus and witnessed only by Astoria and Alecto, haunted her long after. After the Battle, she turned herself in to Aurors, begging to be arrested, and though she faced a number of charges, and consecutive life sentences if convicted, she was released after a summer in Azkaban and an excruciating trial with time served.

They said it was her age, and the clear evidence of extensive psychological trauma and abuse. She couldn’t make a decision with a wand at her back; she had been manipulated and brainwashed by the Dark Lord’s charismatic lieutenants taking advantage of her vulnerability and her age. She was broken; she didn’t pose a threat to anyone except, perhaps, herself. Minister Shacklebolt’s kindness was rare, and the Wizengamot, filled with war-wearied soldiers, many of whom were parents, took pity on her. She agreed to their stipulations: she completed her education at Hogwarts, only barely passing her classes thanks to her newly-developed fear of magic and the things it could do, and submitted to unscheduled follow-up interviews with Aurors, as well as their searches of her room and her possessions.

It was through these interviews with Aurors that Astoria got to know Harry Potter. Once an enemy, he became an ally, and the two developed a strong and unexpected friendship. Her graduation was bittersweet; she was free of Hogwarts, and the memories there, but she was lost. Her dreams of becoming a Healer had fallen through, and Harry provided an answer: she could never undo what she had done, but she could ensure that she did something better. Encouraged by this promise, Astoria joined the Auror department, where she was carefully watched and trained, and was eventually made an official Auror – and Harry’s partner.

Astoria and Draco only grew closer after she graduated. They moved in together quickly, and were married barely two years after Astoria’s graduation; their marriage was a strong one, built on a mutual admiration and respect, as well as a deep affection. No one else understood where they’d been during the war, and no one else understood what it had taken to survive. Even Draco’s family’s dislike of Astoria couldn’t drive them apart, and they devoted their time and energy to honest and open communication. Their first child and only son was born four years after their wedding; they adopted two girls, twins who had been abandoned by their father (Draco’s first cousin); and their third daughter followed a few years later.

Disturbed by the degree to which the Auror department seemed willing to use Astoria for publicity, touting her as the poster child for redemption while showing little mercy to others whose crimes were far lesser than Astoria’s had been, Astoria quit shortly after the twins’ adoption was finalized. Instead, she turned her attention to her grandfather’s law firm, taking a position in the London offices as in-house investigator, where she worked alongside Draco.

#( mobile info )#tw: death #tw: abuse #tw: torture

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sometimesrosy · 4 years

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Is bellarke the only reason you like season 5?

Lol. No. I don’t only watch The 100 for Bellarke. I’m a sci fi fan. I was practically BORN a sci fi fan, raised on Star Trek. That’s 40 years of scifi fanning before I ever heard of Bellarke. When I found the show, I was looking for something like The Walking Dead, and/or The Hunger Games, and someone said The 100. I’m not really a shipper, or not the way most of fandom seems to go about it. I like ships, but it takes a special ship for me to get really invested.

I liked the season 5 story, the dilemmas, the symbolism, the independent journeys of the characters. I liked Bellamy’s story, Clarke’s story, Murphy’s story, Emori’s story, Octavia’s story, Monty’s story. Didn’t love Raven’s story but it was okay. Didn’t love Abby’s or Kane’s story. Loved Diyoza. Madi. Loved the valley. Hated the bunker but in a good way. Hated Kara Cooper but in a good way. Hated McCreary, good way. Was slightly disappointed with Shaw but not too badly. I had high hopes. Was delighted with the creepy gentility of Vinson and his story precisely fulfilled all my hopes for him. lol.

I liked the action of s5, it moved fast. There were no filler episodes. The people who thought there were, well, I think they thought everything but bellarke was a filler episode. Which, I apologize, is a ridiculous way to engage with a story. To say that everything but your favorite storyline is filler. My goodness. The universe does not revolve around you.

Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s the only way I could imagine people saying the sandworms were filler episodes. LOVED the sandworms. Or a mcguffin. That was not a mcguffin. It was a plot point and an obstacle and a tool. That’s not what a mcguffin is. A mcguffin is a “thing” that is a pointless goal while the real journey goes on about something else. In some ways the Iron Throne was a mcguffin in GOT (okay that’s an interpretation.) Or the Holy Grail in Monty Python’s Holy Grail-- that was definitely a mcguffin. An excuse to get people to go on an adventure, when it’s not really the point. The sandworms failing to work as a weapon does not make them a mcguffin. They would need to be the *goal.* The *goal* was the valley, not the worms. The worms were an evil tool that wonkru wanted to use to TAKE the valley and bellarke wanted to stop them.

Y’all should google terms before you start attacking people or content with them. Don’t delight in your ignorance that way. Know what you’re talking about first. Or at least be willing to learn. We’re all on the internet and we all have access to google. This whole fake it till you make it doesn’t include using inaccurate terms to try and hate on other people and/or. stories.

Season 5 was about, as always, the obstacles facing Clarke and Bellamy and The 100. I do not dislike them facing obstacles, even when they fail, because that’s always been part of their story.... how they deal with failure and how they come back to win in the end. Seeing Clarke isolated was hard, but it made sense and it was part of her own journey of isolation that started, honestly, in the pilot, where she was released from solitary confinement, and dealt with her continuous efforts to run away from the people who make her vulnerable, compounded by the terrible “love is a weakness” advice, and the trauma that came from that.

I find that whenever I reframe my interpretation of The 100 as either Clarke or Bellamy’s personal, psychological and/or heroic journey, everything makes more sense. If I place Bellarke ABOVE the individual characters, I am disappointed. S5 was Bellamy becoming the hero we always knew, and Clarke always knew, he could be. It was him completing his hero’s journey. In that light, the season was FANTASTIC. Look at it as his choices and struggles and development and it’s great.

If you look at it from CLARKE’S perspective, it was about her personal and psychological journey after losing EVERYTHING. Someone recently suggested that this was not a hero’s journey but maybe the HEROINE’S journey, and I think that’s what it is, but it’s not done yet.

HEROINE AWAKENS TO FEELINGS OF SPIRITUAL ARIDITY/DEATH. The heroine’s new way of life (attempting the masculine/dominant identity) is too limited. Their success in this new way of life is either temporary, illusory, shallow, or requires a betrayal of self over time.

INITIATION & DESCENT TO THE GODDESS. The heroine faces a crisis of some sort in which the new way of life is insufficient, and the heroine falls into despair. All of the masculine/dominant-group strategies have failed them.

HEROINE URGENTLY YEARNS TO RECONNECT WITH THE FEMININE. The heroine wants to, but is unable to return to their initial limited state/position. [x]

Apparently, the heroine’s journey takes over when the hero’s journey ends, and that would mean that in season 4, saving her people from another apocalypse was the completion of the hero’s journey, and “dying” and waking up to an arid world is stepping into the feminine archetype rather than achieving the masculine archetype hero and staying there. Outside of this heroine’s journey, the whole season was about Clarke reuniting with Bellamy and her people after six years of isolation and it was not an easy story, which works for me. Too easy would have been cheap.

Oh and omigarsh I loved that talk with Echo and FlameLxa where she finally confronted her initial damage of “love is a weakness” and Lxa’s betrayal, which she was REPEATING with Bellamy.

The other characters also had side stories and I could go into them too, but in the end, they’re supporting the main story of redemption and meaning and transformation. Including Octavia’s fall into darkness and NOT reaching redemption (because they refused to give her the easy way out and her redemption needed another season.) I liked that, too. A lot. Since she was an antagonist, I read it more as part of Bellamy’s journey to claim his identity and power and set boundaries.

Season 5 was where Clarke and Bellamy were able to BREAK the cycle of violence and abuse and vengeance, which means that the entire narrative of the show has shifted from descending into hell or being lost in purgatory not knowing where to go next or how to fix things, and is now ASCENDING into upper realms of forgiveness, understanding, reconciliation, healing, change, unity, growth, and transformation.

This is what I am here for. This is why I like Post Apocalyptic stories, because they are about transformation, not just survival. And not just whatever you can do to survive, but choosing to be the good guys, being better people, believing in a better world, and having hope.

I mean. I can write reams about all the things I’m getting out of this show and all anyone ever hears is “bellarke.”

That is not a good thing. It’s reductive. It’s oversimplification. It doesn’t lead to understanding. When I say I thought s5 was a bellarke romance, I include that in part of my analysis. It is not the only thing I am saying, nor is it the only thing I like.

I am not sure where you ever got the impression that Bellarke was the only thing I liked.

And also, just because other people, even most people, didn’t like season 5 does not mean I am wrong to not like it. I get the feeling that the people who didn’t like season 5 were disappointed because Bellarke didn’t live up to their expectations. It DID live up to my expectations. And, as usual, their story was longer than what I predicted. This does not bother me. I just have to keep recalibrate my narrative time line. It’s still going in the direction I’ve been interpreting, confirmed by season 6. Season 5 is an interesting part of the whole story of Bellarke, the end of the story, we can now see, being s7. I can wait for that. And I can appreciate how season 5 is them coming back from the “all is lost” moment of Clarke dying for spacekru, and the complications that caused.

Also, I am not opposed to a love triangle. I do not read it as a betrayal of Bellarke, but an intensification of a love story that before had been subtextual. Love triangle is a LITERAL ROMANCE GENRE PLOTLINE. So for me, it’s confirmation. I truly don’t understand why other bellarke fans don’t get that. I think they’re just too full of anger and resentment to accept that a plotline they would LOVE in fanfiction is actually giving them what they want and so they reject everything that season 5 DID give us.

So what I’m saying is I think that the reason why people didn’t like season 5 is because it didn’t fit the fanon expectations they had for Bellarke. So they hated s5 only because of Bellarke. Which is the reverse of what your ask seems to imply.

If you didn’t intend to make me salty implying that I only liked The 100 for Bellarke, or there was nothing in s5 to like except my interpretation of Bellarke, then I apologize. You should have rephrased your question more like, “what besides bellarke did you like in season 5?” But as it is, I gave you what I liked with a rim of salt. Like a margarita.

#i actuallly don't like salt on my margaritas but i like the metaphor #and if this ask didn't mean to invoke two seasons of fandom discourse then it should have been more careful

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years

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January 27: Thoughts on The 100 2x09, Remember Me

...For some reason I was really angry at the beginning of this? Also there’s a lot of Lxa bashing. Sorry. And some Clarke criticism but in the latter case, I mean it well.

Also this is really long whoops.

So...I miss when killing off main characters was a big deal and people actually reacted to it.

I truly cannot take Lxa seriously I’m sorry. I don’t find her... intimidating at all.

I’ve already complained repeatedly about her complete bad faith deal making at every turn so I won’t go into it again but nevertheless, here she is, again, moving the goal posts of the negotiation. ‘I’ll withdraw my army if you cure the Reapers. No, if you give up your friend. No, if you give me his body.’ Clarke should have double crossed her immediately.

Also I know that I ultimately did think it was reasonable for Finn to face Grounder justice (except insofar as that justice was itself morally untenable--that is, the Torture Porn) but now that he’s dead, I think there’s no real moral argument to be made that the Grounders deserve his body. I understand their traditions, which in fact I found quite moving when I first watched this ep, but surely his people have, or could make up, some traditions for his burial also. He is still their friend. This seems like little more than an excuse to be cruel. And Clarke’s so fucking broken she just goes with it. It’s truly awful. I mean she’s doing the only thing she can do I guess but it’s laughable that she sounds as if she has any sort of upper hand, you’re getting played bitch.

(Yeah I know, Lxa is being ‘groundbreaking’ and ‘revolutionary’ by even semi-accepting capital punishment without torture and taking his body is a way of appeasing her harder line advisers but like cry me a river--she’s either the all powerful commander or she’s fucking not.)

“We want the same things.” Lol if you wanted the same things you would have stuck to the original deal. No I’m not over this at all I guess.

I also still can’t get over how Clarke has literally never earned true leadership in the eyes of her own people and yet she continues to be randomly viewed as a leader by the Grounders and thus retains pretty much full de facto control over her own people’s power structure.

Also Kane shut the fuck up. I completely forgot about this but they really did put him through an off-screen 180 where all of a sudden Lxa is a God to him and can literally do nothing wrong and to this day we have never been given an explanation how that came to be. Guess it’s easier to tell not show huh?!?

ALSO I get we’re suppose to see a sort of racism-corollary to lines like “I don’t think they know what peace is” like obviously this rubs one the wrong way automatically. But Abby’s not really wrong. And despite what Kane thinks, Lxa has given, again, NO indication at all that she is interested in peace. She has given a lot of indications that she wants to do whatever she can to wring as much from the Sky People as she can without giving anything in return and hey we’re only halfway through the season and she’s already psychologically broken Clarke (also the only person she acknowledges as the leader even though she is not, cannot emphasize this enough, the leader of anything... and thus the only person L really has to break) and sunk-cost-fallacy-ed her into submission. Now that Finn is dead Clarke would cut off her own tit to make Lxa happy because anything else is “letting him die in vain.”

...Why am I so angry lol?

I understand the positions of both Clarke and Raven in this scene, which is fucking brutal, but I sympathize more with Raven. Clarke’s basically just a messenger, but what the Grounders are demanding is (I know I already said it) cruel, and cruel to Raven above all. And Clarke is almost all business. I think that’s what she needs to be for herself but it’s not helpful to the situation.

Anyway here are my faves in Mount Weather. It’s almost hard to watch these scenes because I want to, like, memorize them. Partially for the C/M story and partially just because. Today’s adventure is getting to a radio to send a message to the Ark-wide channel, which is a term for a thing that exists. Also I forgot how snarky everyone / Miller was to Maya. Which, I get. But--are they not thinking about how her own people have experimented on her? Like she is expendable to them, this is just a known fact at this time. So yes, there is a real risk to her, Nathan.

“Oh, is that all?” / “No--there’s more.” Monty’s so one-track he didn’t even hear the sarcasm. I love him.

“Their army has been getting their ass kicked by Mount Weather forever.” Bellamy speaking the truth. Do they need the alliance, or do they just need the Grounders to back the fuck off from attacking them? (Spoiler: they do not need the alliance.)

Ah Bellarke, always quick to reassure each other. Blindly, even.

“Since I don’t take orders from you, I’m going to need a better reason” is one of my favorite lines, and underrated. Finally someone reminding Clarke she’s not actually in charge of everyone and everything all the time. (I realize this sounds like I dislike Clarke. I don’t. I just find certain traits of hers frustrating. But this just makes her a good character.) Also you can see that, rather like her moment with Raven, she falls back on being business like and direct and issuing orders to avoid talking about feelings or breaking apart.

The United States War Room survives the apocalypse.

I’m sorry but it’s ridiculous to think that Lxa invented the concept of an alliance lol.

I guess Clarke needs to go all in on the alliance because of Finn, but... I also think this is part of who she is. Her sense of practicality outweighs any human desire to hold a grudge, and I think she assumes a level of practicality in others too, automatically, such that she underestimates wariness in others. Like Bellamy and Gustus and everyone is right to be uncertain about this literally hours-old alliance--not even an official alliance, since L’s latest demand hasn’t technically been met!--and Clarke’s like ‘yeah I’ll sleep next to people who would have killed me six hours ago np!’ because now that she’s in, she’s in. She’s neither angry nor afraid.

Linctavia like “Google Earth, always taking pictures.”

Is Lincoln wearing Ark clothes?

I know Raven is made to look kind of wan and sunken and sad but yet this scene where she’s being disarmed is honestly like peak hotness for me and I don’t know why. I like my women sullen and covered in knives?

Interesting how allegedly only the warriors knew English and yet Lxa’s big announcement re: get in line with me or die is made in English. Just going to point out yet again what a big mistake that throwaway S1 line is.

What a sad life to lead, where random declarations followed by “or death” have to form the entirety of your belief system “Don’t be upset that your wife and child are dead...or I’ll beat you to a pulp.” I truly don’t understand how we were ever supposed to get in line with this society as sympathetic or interesting. So much so that they get a whole prequel I guess???

I’d rather have a Mount Weather prequel except not really, don’t ruin it for me.

I love Miller’s canonical insane superhuman strength. This is a trait often overlooked in fics.

The usual comment on Mount Weather scenes: I love all of it.

The thing is that if everyone were on board with the funeral ceremony, it is touching. Murderer and murdered together, and the people who’ve been hurt, on both sides, saying goodbye as a group. It’s just that Clarke’s people were coerced into this--they weren’t convinced it would be a fitting ceremony, just told ‘well this is how it is and if you don’t like it, we could perhaps... KILL YOU?”

Is this a new revelation that Mount Weather crashed the Exodus ship (still a really satisfying belated explanation imo)? Or did we know that because, unlike Monty et al, we knew about the jamming signals already? Can’t remember.

You can see how L came to believe what she believes but nevertheless this is bad advice lol. “Don’t care about other people.” Okay, I’ll just stop doing that then.

Mmmm, a feast in a subway station. Delicious. Fucking full pig head as the centerpiece. Very DC.

Kane (handing over pure space moonshine probably): Just don’t drink too much of it. Clarke (five minutes later): Guzzles whole bottle at once. #partygriff is officially canon.

Waiting until tomorrow to start the war? Procrastinators. Clarke didn’t kill Finn for this.

I love Certified Dramatic Ho Bellamy knocking the cup out of Clarke’s hand even though she had made no move whatsoever to drink it.

“When you plunged your knife into the heart of the boy you loved, did you not wish that it was mine.” Lxa, also a certified Dramatic Ho.

Clarke kinda deserved to be punched in the face given that it wouldn’t actually make sense for Raven to try to poison Lxa--and make Finn’s death mean nothing? And put them all in danger in enemy territory? Nonsense. Nevertheless it’s hard not to feel bad for her when she follows this accusation up with a psychotic break.

Hmmm, do I think Abby turning in Jake was the same as Clarke killing Finn? Not really. She didn’t directly kill Jake, that was Jaha, and Jaha is who Clarke should really be mad at. That said, I don’t think she was really saving anyone in the direct way Clarke was. So, apples and oranges. Crazy awkward moment to bring it up, though lol. “Oh Clarke, you’ll feel better eventually--remember that time I killed your Dad? I got over that! Wait--does talking about your dead father upset you? That’s a surprise!” Nevertheless I appreciate major actions having consequences as that’s a semi-rarity on this show.

Monty Green: hero.

“Lxa needs this alliance as much as we do.” - True, if she intends to get her people out of MW. “She’s shown herself to be flexible.” - Not true. She’s given the bare minimum of concessions. Kane, please crawl back out of her colon for like 5 seconds, get some air.

Interesting that Raven and Bellamy are chilling near each other. I wonder what they were discussing. Tbh Bellamy’s feelings on everything in this episode are rather opaque. Other than understanding why Clarke mercy-killed Finn and being skeptical of the alliance.

“Kill one person and destroy the alliance” is literally only merciful because the default in this society is “kill everyone all the time for any reason.” Like, I guess??? That’s mercy by comparison?? But forgive me if I am not moved to admiration.

“This time justice will be done” says the woman who used the barest sliver of evidence to decide that a random person was guilty so she could have a public execution. A public execution to replace the other public execution, in fact, not to avenge a death because Gustus isn’t dead. (Yet.)

Kane’s really okay with letting Raven be tortured to death, huh? Gah he’s fucking annoying.

Bellarke: Crime Solving Duo. That’s some satisfying teamwork. Clarke figures out how the scheme worked. Bellamy figures out who’s behind the scheme. With all the evidence put together, the motive becomes clear. (Honesty, they should have been suspicious that the poison not only didn’t kill Gustus, it barely harmed him lol.)

Check out all the Department of Homeland Security stuff on Monty’s computer. This is perhaps Dante’s log in? There’s a set of “personal” files too. And a set of President’s Office files, which one would assume not everyone would have.

Anyway, I have a Thing for tense sequences of hackers...hacking.

When I first watched this season I was often so tense my whole body hurt and it’s mostly because of MW scenes like this one where Monty is caught. Like aaaaah it still gets me. He almost makes it... and then almost makes it again, with his silly little salute... (Never forget that he is A Dork.)

On the one hand, Raven being tortured and then seeing Gustus tortured to death allows her to see why Clarke killing Finn was an act of mercy, to forgive her, and to move on, so the narrative can continue with them as allies and nominal friends. And it works, basically. But I also think there’s something to the theory that they were never the same, that the wound never really healed.

I’m sorry but Octavia’s face when Clarke’s like “Yeah B, you’re expendable, go get yourself killed, have a map!!” is hilarious. Like, he’s just said that Gustus doing anything for Lxa made sense, and Octavia responded with “Look at the thanks he got” which seems to me like She Knows and then 5 seconds later Bellamy is basically thrown away by the person we all know he’d do anything for... I mean the face is fair. Also this is Bellamy’s idea and it’s a good idea and so he was right before and Clarke is also right now, but it’s still so... annoying.... like “okay, I’m done caring about you lol bye.”

And Raven’s just totally confused. It’s been a damn long day I guess.

Why are they all such fucking hotties? It’s hard to pay attention to “the plot.”

So the ashes Abby tries to give to Clarke are the same ashes, perhaps, that Jasper scatters in S3? This vial looks smaller. Why did she not immediately give them to Raven? That would seem to be the obvious thing to do.

And here we see Clarke, under L’s direct influence, becoming Increasingly Insufferable. I love her but this is obviously supposed to be her descent into the abyss: she treats her friends like little expendable minions, she turns her back on Finn’s memory, and then she ends the episode by dramatically walking into a dark room in slow motion to creepy chamber music. I mean this is the hero’s fall guys!! That’s what it always was!!!

If only they’d handled Bellamy’s hero’s fall in 3A, and Clarke’s rise again in 3B, as well.

That ending is a straight up horror movie thanks that’s why this is my favorite season.

#the year 2020 #2020: fandom thoughts #2020: the 100 s2

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