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ipuckwithhockey · 4 years

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I’d Rather Rescue Myself - Travis Konecny

a/n: Did I write this based on the Cheetah Girls hit, Cinderella? bc I did. no I didn’t. I don’t think this will surprise anyone but this is kind of angsty and dramatic, but I think it’s cute in the end. Let me know what you think :)

Warnings: Single mom, cursing, drinking, angst, a little bit of anxiety, I think that’s it

——

When I was just a little girl, my momma used to tuck me into bed

She read me a story

It always was about a Princess in distress and how a guy would save her

End up with the glory

Your mom was a hopeless romantic. She fell hard and fast for the men that came in and out of her life. She wasn’t running around being reckless or anything, she just loved being in love. She loved the honeymoon phase and she loved the idea of finding her prince charming.

Your dad left when you were just a baby, but your mom didn’t harbor on the loss. That was another thing about your mom— she was an undying optimist. She said that her relationship with your father wasn’t meant to be, and that her real prince charming was somewhere out there waiting to find her.

You actually believed all the elaborate bedtime stories she told you for a while. You thought you too would find your prince charming who would sweep you off your feet and rescue you from the harsh realities of your average Philadelphia life.

Your mom did eventually find Steve, a real-estate broker, that made her very happy. You liked Steve. He was nice and had a good job, and really did care for your mom. They’ve been married almost two years now, and you’ve never seen your mom happier. Maybe she was right, her prince charming was waiting out there for her, except he wasn’t in a castle or riding a horse into the sunset, he was just trying to decide which slice and bake cookies he should get for his open house. That’s how they met. In the freezer section of the grocery. Your mom helped him decide on one pack of sugar and one pack of chocolate chip, they exchanged numbers, and the rest is history.

Then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me

I don't wanna be like Cinderella

Sittin' in a dark old dusty cellar

Waiting for somebody, to come and set me free

You really tried to be optimistic. You would put yourself out there, go on dates, and even had a couple serious relationships throughout college. There was just one problem— they never worked out. You were always left heartbroken. So your senior year of college you decided that you had had enough.

You were done feeling sorry for yourself. You were smart and driven and didn’t need a man to rescue you. You had a great internship that would hopefully turn into a job after graduation and you were the top of your class. You weren’t going to let another boy come in and distract you from your goals. So you swore off boys. It’s not that you didn’t want to find someone eventually, you just didn’t have the time or energy to bother with them now. This was time to focus on you.

That year you met Travis Konecny and his band of brothers from the Philadelphia Flyers. Your roommate, Katie, had hooked up with Joel Farabee a couple of times but they ultimately decided they were better off as just fiends. You and Travis became quick friends. You had a similar sense of humor and even though he was the worlds biggest, dumbest redneck, you had a soft spot for the kid. He was busy with hockey and didn’t have time for a relationship, and so he understood why you didn’t want one either.

Soon started the movie nights and casual hang outs. You even started to teach him how to cook. You would admit that he was very handsome (when he showered and properly groomed himself), but you were just friends. It was never anything else. Neither of you wanted it to be anything else.

You both had had other hookups and occasionally a date, and you would laugh together over how bad they were afterward, saying “see, this is why i don’t need a relationship.”

That was almost two years ago. You did end up graduating at the top of your class, and the internship did turn into an amazing job. You worked hard and were hopefully in line for a big promotion at the end of the month.

You lived on your own now, but Katie just lived a block away. Shortly after her and Joel decided to remain friends she met Chris. He was a great guy and they recently moved in together. You were really happy for Katie and all of your friends who had found great guys to settle down with. You were only 23 but it seemed like most of your friends had found their match, and you would be lying if you said it didn’t bother you.

It’s not that you wanted to get hitched and have a baby right this second, you were still very young, but the thought of having a caring boyfriend to come home to was something you just couldn’t get out of your head lately.

Someday, I'm gonna find someone who wants my soul, heart and mind

Who's not afraid to show that he loves me

Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am

Don't need nobody taking care of me

Now you found yourself on Travis’ couch ranting about how all of your college friends were taking their boyfriends to Katie’s birthday party this weekend. Again, you were happy for them, you really were! But you didn’t want to be the only single one there. It was one thing to get a sad look from your mom when she asked you if you were seeing anyone, it was another thing to get sad looks from about a dozen of your friends. You knew they just wanted you to find someone who made you happy, but you hadn’t yet, and there wasn’t anything that could change that.

“I just wish I could find someone who wants me for me, you know? Someone who gets that my career is just as important as his, and who understands that when I say I don’t want anything to eat I actually do, I’m just too hard headed to admit it!” You were ranting on about the perfect guy, and all Travis could think was that he was that guy.

He would show up at your door out of the blue because he knew the “work’s been busy, just gonna go home and get some stuff done” reply to his hang out invitation actually meant “I’ve never been as stressed as I am right now, and haven’t eaten in 12 hours, and I could really use a hug.” He was always there for you, and you were always there for him. People didn’t always understand your relationship, and last year when Travis started dating a girl, she became so jealous of your friendship. Eventually, Travis ended it when she asked him to choose between her or you. There really wasn’t any contest. He would choose you every time. That was when he realized he had some serious feelings for you. Travis wasn’t good with feelings, and as much as he wanted to tell you he loved you, he didn’t want to mess with your friendship. It was too important to him, and up until recently you had been pretty dedicated to your no relationship lifestyle.

So instead of telling you how much he loved you and how he was the guy who valued your career and goals just as much as his own, he just offered to go with you to the party in question, “Well I’ll go with you. I like your friends, and then I’ll also get the sad looks because I too am single and lonely, so you won’t be alone.”

You laugh, Travis was right, you would probably have a good time if was there. You always have a good time when he’s around, and your friends like him too. They know you’re just friends but they never hesitate to give you a hard time about how you’ll end up together one day. You know he’s not into you like that, but that doesn’t stop you from wondering what it would be like to one day call him yours.

“Hello???? Is anyone home?” He’s waving his hands in front of you after you zoned out thinking about how great it would be to come home to him after a long day at work,

“Oh yeah, sorry, that would actually be great. You don’t have to, I know I’ve been annoying lately with all the work talk and complaining about relationshi-“

“Don’t worry about it. The party will be fun, we haven’t been out together in forever. And I know you’re stressed, even though you shouldn’t be. There’s no way you’re not getting that promotion. That doucheface, Jack is barely smart enough to do his current job, there’s no way they would give him the promotion over you.”

“His name is Jake, but yes he is a doucheface and even though I may be more qualified, he has been at the company longer than me so there’s a good chance he’ll get it just based on that.”

“You worry too much. You’re gonna get it, and we’re all gonna celebrate when you do.”

I can slay, my own dragon

I can dream, my own dreams

My knight in shining armor is me

So now it was Friday night, and you found yourself next to Travis in a crowded bar that Katie had picked for her birthday celebration. You had had the longest week known to man, and all you really wanted to do was sleep. But alas, you were here and trying to have a good time.

Travis had been great the whole night, socializing with your friends, make his stupid jokes, and getting you drinks. You really did appreciate him coming, but something just felt off. He has always been a touchy guy but it seemed like he had his arm around you more than usual tonight, and when he talked to your friends he would say “we” when referring to the two of you. It felt too domestic, and if felt too claustrophobic.

Even his praises when the group asked about your work annoyed you. You didn’t know if you were just on edge from work or if Travis’ overstepping was really getting to you.

You needed a minute to yourself so excused yourself to get another drink.

“Sit down, I got it,” Travis stands to get you another drink, and that’s when you start to lose it. In the back of your mind you know he’s just being nice, but you’re already seeing red and nothing can stop you now.

“I am perfectly capable of getting my own drink, and I really don’t need a man to babysit me all night, so you can sit down, and I’ll get it for myself.”

You turn and head for the door of the bar, not caring that your friends, and Travis, are all staring at you completely taken aback by what just came flying out of your mouth. You make it outside, needing a minute in the cold winter air, before Travis catches up to you.

“What the hell is going on? Did I do something?”

“Travis. I really appreciate you trying to ‘take care of me’ of whatever it is you’re trying to do, but I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it a long time, there’s no reason why I can’t continue to do so.”

You’re being mean now. You know it, but it’s not stopping you. You can’t help but push him away because it feels easier to just deny the feelings you know you have. The hurt in Travis’ eyes almost makes you take it all back, but you know that if you push him enough he’ll be just as stubborn and mad as you, and then you can fight it out instead of actually talking about what’s going on. So you continue, knowing that what you’re going to say will just piss him off,

“You’re not my boyfriend, and I didn’t ask you to act like it. If you want a girl to parade around in front of people, go find someone else, because I’m not your girl. You just need to back off, ok?”

“I’m not trying to control you, or ‘parade you around’ I have no clue why you think I’d even want that,” He puts up big air quotes when he throws your words back at you,

“I just know how stressed you are and how you don’t ever see your friends because your whole life is your fucking job. I just wanted to make this night fun and relaxing for you. And I’m sorry if I’m proud of you for being so successful, but did it ever occur to you that maybe I am the guy? The guy who wants you for you. The guy who respects your career just as much as his own. The guy who knows that even though you’re standing here pissed as hell, it’s only because you know you have feelings for me too?”

He’s practically yelling and a couple people have definitely taken notice. And maybe he’s right, but your hard head and stubbornness would never let you admit it, so you just decide to walk away.

You leave him standing there outside of a bar that still holds all of your closest friends, and you know that you may have just thrown away your prince charming, but you can’t go back. It would be too much, so you walk home and cry yourself to sleep that night.

I will be there for him just as strong as he, will be there for me

When I give myself then it has got to be, an equal thing

I don't wanna be like Cinderella

Sittin' in a dark old dusty cellar

Waiting for somebody, to come and set me free

You got the promotion. You got it and the only person you wanted to tell was Travis. It’s been weeks since that night you left him outside the bar. He texted and called a few times, eventually he stopped. You thought he might show up at your place but he never did. You tried to be mad at him. You tried to blame him for your friendship falling apart. You also knew that he was right. About everything.

You thought back to all the times you had been there for each other. You thought back to all of the long talks on the phone while he was away for the summers, every time he hyped you up before a big presentation at work, and all the times you waited at his door after what you knew had been a tough game.

You always had each others backs. You didn’t have to ask for it, you just knew that when you fell, the other one would be there to pick you up. You didn’t have to guess. You always knew what he was feeling and you knew how to fix it. He was the same way with you. And yet, you still couldn’t bring yourself to just pick up the phone and call. Maybe it was because you knew he would be on the other end waiting to take you back in the blink of an eye. You knew he’d forgive you for everything and you knew he would love you forever, but you were still scared to admit that maybe you did need him. You felt like it would be an admission of failure that you couldn’t do this on your own.

You didn’t need him to take care of you or to slay a dragon to save you, you just needed HIM. You needed his companionship, his love, and his affection, all of the things that he was so willing to give you, but that you still couldn’t accept.

I don't wanna be like Snow White

waiting for a handsome prince

to come and save me on a horse of white

Unless we're riding side by side

It’s been over a month now, and you haven’t so much as spoken a word to Travis. You had filled Katie in the day after her party, apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye. She tried to comfort you, but you didn’t want to talk about it. You were going to be fine without him. He was just a friend after all. But now Katie was getting fed up. She was tired of watching you mope around town acting like everything was fine, when she knew damn well that you were just too stubborn to admit that you loved Travis too.

“Ok. You seriously need to suck it up buttercup.” Katie came full force through the threshold of your apartment with two bottles of wine and a bag of take out. You were all for a girls night, but you were right when you had concerns of it turning into a “lets talk about your feelings night.”

“You’re losing it. Like I love you, but as your friend I can no longer support this moping around.”

“I have told you over and over again, that I am fine. I got my promotion and I’m doing great at work!” You try to convince her that you’re doing ok, and that you don’t read every shitty article written about the flyers as an attempt to satisfy your Travis craves.

“If you’re oh so fine, then why do you still watch every flyers game? Why are you drinking his favorite wine all the time? And why the fuck are you wearing his clothes???”

You didn’t even remember that you had put on an old hoodie of his this morning until just now. He used to let you borrow the old 67’s hoodie when you were at his place, eventually you just took it home with you, and it’s been your favorite ever since. You wore it now more than ever, but would never admit it was because you missed him.

“It’s just comfortable ok?” But you knew she wasn’t buying it, you knew you were going to have to talk about it at some point.

“...I just feel like if I admit that I need him, it would be like admitting that I can’t take care of myself, that I can’t do this on my own.”

“Babe, it’s not about needing someone to take care of you, it’s just about loving someone and letting them love you back. Travis of all people knows that you are perfectly capable of fending for yourself. I think that’s probably something he loves about you. He knows you. And I know for a fact that he’s waiting for you.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because he calls me…”

“Wh-what?” Why would Travis bother to call Katie?

“Because he’s worried about you, but he knows that if he suffocates you, you’ll just keep pushing him away. He’s called me regularly for a few weeks now. He just wants to know how you are... But he didn’t want me to tell you because he didn’t want you to feel like he was going behind your back. He loves you. And he’s just waiting for you to come back to him. He’s an idiot, but somehow he’s managed to figure you out.”

He loves you. Travis loves you.

You love him.

You love each other.

He never wanted to take anything from you.

He just wanted your love.

He wanted to give you his love.

It’s like you’re discovering words for the first time, and you know you that you can’t just let this go. You know that you don’t want to keep living your life if you’re not sharing it with him, side by side.

You look over at Katie who knows you’re finally coming to terms with all of this,

“I think I have to go”

“Go get him babe!”

You order an uber and grab your shoes before heading out the door. The ride to Travis’ has never felt longer. You start to question yourself but it’s too late, you know what you have to do. You walk into his building and make your way up to his floor on the elevator. You pace back and forth for a while outside of his apartment, but you tell yourself it’s now or never, and knock on the door. It’s not even 20 seconds later that he’s opening the door,

“Hey, I knew you’d come back.”

For some reason you thought he might still be mad, and he might just slam the door in your face or yell at you, but he’s not. He’s smiling and is reaching out to pull you into his apartment and into a hug. You let him and it’s like you’ve never felt more relief. The weight of the past month is instantly lifted. You feel like you can breathe again. And then the tears start to fall.

“Hey, don’t cry. It’s ok.” He’s consoling you and you’ve never felt worse. He was always right there and you just about threw it all away because you were too stubborn. You both muster out some sorry’s and you’re not even sure how long you’ve been standing there in each others arms. You’re perfectly content just staying there, but eventually he pulls back to look at you.

He wipes away at your tear stained face and looks you right in the eyes,

“I love you. And I never ever want to make you feel like you’re anything less than the amazing, strong, smart, beautiful, independent woman that you are... I just want you to let me love you.”

“Okay... but only on one condition…”

Travis just looks questionably back at you,

“That you let me love you back”

Travis doesn’t even bother with words, because he knows the only thing left to do is kiss you. So he leans into you, and you lean into him, and it’s like everything in the world is right again. Riding into the sunset may have been a fairytale, but true loves kiss was definitely a reality. You were right too, you didn’t need a prince to save you, you needed to save yourself. It just turned out that saving yourself was letting the man of your dreams love you back.

#travis konecny #travis konecny imagine #travis konecny fic #nhl imagine #nhl fic #nhl fanfiction #hockey imagine #hockey fic #hockey fanfic #philadelphia flyers #flyers #hockey one shot #nhl one shot

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dangermousie · 3 years

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Heelo mousie! Love your blog! Do you mind recommending some of your favourite Chinese BL novels or shows?

I've seen the untamed and read it. I'm currently reading heaven's official blessing and I saw the donghua. Anything other than these two?

Awww, thank you!

Novels: I am gonna be lazy and literally copy/paste the entire danmei section of my top 10 web novels post (except MXTX’s stuff since you are already reading it.) Let me know if you need help finding any of these.

Lord Seventh - I am only partway through this so far, but it’s already on the list because it’s smart and somehow intense AND laid-back (not sure how this works, but it does) and is honestly just a really really solid and smart period novel, with the OTP a cherry on top of a narrative sundae. Plus, I love the concept of MC deciding he is not going for his supposedly fated love - he’s tried for six lifetimes, always with disaster, and he’s just plain done and tired. When he opens his life in his seventh reincarnation and sees the person he would have given up the world for, he genuinely feels nothing at all. (Spoiler - his OTP is actually a barbarian shaman this time around, thank you Lord!)

Golden Stage - my perfect comfort novel. Probably the least angsty of any danmei novel on this list (which still means plenty angsty :P) It also has a dedicated, smart OTP that is an OTP for the bulk of the book - I think you will notice that in most of the novels in this list, I go for “OTP against the world” trope - I can’t stand love triangles and the same. Anyway, Fu Shen, is a famous general whose fame is making the emperor antsy. When he gets injured and can’t walk any more, the emperor gladly recalls him and marries him off to his most faithful court lackey, the head of sort of secret police, Yan Xiaohan. The emperor intends it both as a check on the general and a general spite move since the two men always clash in court whenever they meet. But not all is at is seems. They used to be friends a long time ago, had a falling out, and one of the loveliest parts of the novel is them finding their way to each other, but there is also finding the middle path between their two very different philosophies and ways of being, not to mention solving a conspiracy or dozen, and putting a new dynasty on the throne, among other things. It always makes me think, a little, of “if Mei Changsu x Jingyan were canon.”

Sha Po Lang - if you like a lot of fantasy politics and world-building and steampunk with your novels, this one is for you. This one is VERY plot-heavy with smart, dedicated characters and a deconstruction of many traditional virtues - our protagonist Chang Geng, a long-lost son of the Emperor, is someone who wants to modernize the country but also take down the current emperor his brother for progress’ sake and the person he’s in love with is the general who saved him when he was a kid who is nominally his foster father. Anyway, the romance is mainly a garnish in this one, not even a big side dish, but the relationship between two smart, dedicated, deadly individuals with very different concepts of duty is fascinating long before it turns romantic. And if you like angst, while overall it’s not as angsty as e.g., Meatbun stuff, Chang Geng’s childhood is the stuff of nightmares and probably freaks me out more than anything else in any novel on this list, 2ha included.

To Rule In a Turbulent World (LSWW) - gay Minglan. No seriously. This is how I think of it. it’s a slice of life period novel with fascinating characters and setting that happens to have a gay OTP, not a romance in a period setting per se and I always prefer stories where the romance is not the only thing that is going on. It’s meticulously written and smart and deals with character development and somehow makes daily minutia fascinating. Our protagonist, You Miao, is the son of a fabulously wealthy merchant, sent to the capital to make connections and study. As the story starts, he sees his friend’s servants beating someone to death, feels bad, and buys him because, as we discover gradually and organically, You Miao may be wealthy and occasionally immature but he is a genuinely good person. The person he buys is a barbarian from beyond the wall, named Li Zhifeng. It’s touch and go if the man will survive but eventually he does and You Miao, who by then has to return home, gives him his papers and lets him go. However, LZF decides to stick with You Miao instead, both out of sense of debt for YM saving his life and because he genuinely likes him (and yet, there is no instalove on either of their parts, their bodies have fun a lot quicker than their souls.) Anyway, the two take up farming, get involved in the imperial exams and it’s the life of prosperity and peace, until an invasion happens and things go rapidly to hell. This is so nuanced, so smart (smart people in this actually ARE!) and has secondary characters who are just as complex as the mains (for example, I ended up adoring YM’s friend, the one who starts the plot by almost beating LZF to death for no reason) because the novel never forgets that few people are all villain. There is a lovely character arc or two - watching YM grow up and LZF thaw - there is the fact that You Miao is a unicorn in web novels being laid back and calm. This whole thing is a masterpiece.

Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - want the emotional hit of 2ha but want to read something half its length? Well, the author of 2ha is here to eviscerate you in a shorter amount of time. This has the beautiful world-building, plot twists that all make sense and, at the center of it all, an intense and all-consuming and gloriously painful relationship between two generals - one aristocratic loner Mo Xi, and the other gregarious former slave general Gu Mang. Once they were best friends and lovers, but when the novel starts, Gu Mang has long turned traitor and went to serve the enemy kingdom and has now been returned and Mo Xi, who now commands the remnants of his slave army, has to cope with the fact that he has never been able to get over the man who stabbed him through the heart. Literally. This novel has a gorgeously looping structure, with flashbacks interwoven into present storyline. There is so much love and longing and sacrifice in this that I am tearing up a bit just thinking of it. If you don’t love Mo Xi and Gu Mang, separately and together, by the end of it, you have no soul.

The Dumb Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha/erha) - if you’ve been following my tumblr for more than a hot second, you know my obsession with this novel. Honestly, even if I were to make a list of my top 10 novels of any kind, not just webnovels, this would be on the list. It has everything I want - a complicated, intricate plot with an insane amount of plot twists, all of which are both unexpected and make total sense, a rich and large cast of characters, a truly epic OTP that makes me bawl, emotional intensity that sometimes maxes even me out and so much character nuance and growth. Also, Moran is my favorite web novel character ever, hands down.

Anyway, the plot (or at least the way it first appears) is that the evil emperor of the cultivation world, Taxian Jun, kills himself at 32 and wakes up in the body of his 16 year old self, birth name Moran. Excited to get a redo, Moran wants to save his supposed true love Shimei, whose death the last go-around pushed him towards evil. He also wants to avoid entanglement with Chu Wanning, his shizun and sworn enemy in past life. And that’s all you are best off knowing, trust me. The only hint I am going to give is oooh boy the mother of all unreliable narrators has arrived!

The novel starts light and funny on boil the frog principle - if someone told me I would be full bawling multiple times with this novel, I’d have thought they were insane, but i swear my eyes hurt by the end of it. I started out being amused and/or disliking the mains and by the end I would die for either of them.

The Wife is First - OK, this one did not make my top 10 web novels but it’s a sweet, fun gay cottagecore fest. Our ML, a royal prince, and his spouse, a smart if delicate aristocrat, keep house, eat noodles, play with their pet tiger, make out and spoil each other rotten, while occasionally fighting battles and outwitting their court enemies. It’s so very mellow. That couple redefines low drama - they are both nice and functional and use their brains. It’s as if a nice jock and a nice nerd got together and then proceeded to be wholesome all over the place.

I mean, the set up could be dramatic - our ML the prince, lost his fight for the throne and is about to be killed. The only person who stayed loyal to him is his arranged husband the aristocrat guy who ML never treated nicely since he resented marrying him (marrying a man in that world is done to remove someone from the ability to inherit the throne.) And yet the husband stood by him not out of love but beliefs in loyalty blah blah. Anyway, he transmigrates back into the past right after their wedding night and is all “I got a second chance OMG! I don’t want the throne what is even the point? I want to live a good long life and treat the only person who stood by me really well!” And he proceeds to do so to the shock of the aristocrat who had a very unpleasant wedding night and generally can tell the man he just married would rather eat nails than be married to him. But soon enough (no seriously, it’s not many chapters at all) he believes the prince is sincere blah blah and then they get together and they pretty much become cottagecore goals.

In terms of dramas, I only do period dramas (or novels) so I am not the person to be able to recommend any modern BLs. There is a flood of upcoming (hopefully) period BL dramas but it’s relatively thin on the ground now. The two I will recommend is Word of Honor (which is AMAZING) and Winter Begonia (which I just started watching but which owns me already.) I have a tag for both - the one for the former is huge and I cannot recommend either strongly enough. I’ve heard good things about The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, but I am not big on mysteries so haven’t watched it for myself.

In terms of the upcoming BLs, the ones I am most looking forward to are Immortality and Winner Is King, but The Society of the Four Leaves also looks promising.

#asks #cdrama #cnovel

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em-neko · 3 years

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AMNESIA REVIEW

hey! so since i haven’t watched much anime recently, i thought i’d get back into the habit by watching an anime that i’ve been meaning to watch for a bit, amnesia.

i’ll try not to include spoilers, but consider this your spoiler warning!

okay so, let’s start with a very rough summary of the plot: you, the mc/heroine, wakes up in the back room of a cafe after collapsing at work. upon waking up, you discover that you’ve lost your memory. you’re obviously very confused but don’t worry! there’s a little “spirit” named orion who’s there to guide you and give you advice. in every other episode, you wake up in a different universe, there are six universes, a starting/neutral universe and one universe for each of the five love interests (ikki, shin, ukyo, toma and kent), in which you’re (presumably/allegedly) dating/in love with them. basically, the plot of the anime is you trying to get your memory back and trying to figure out which of the six universes is your real universe, the universe you lived in before you lost your memory.

i’ll be judging this anime based off of five categories, and i’ll be giving it an overall grade at the end. the categories are: the plot, the love interests, the heroine, the romance and the animation style.

THE PLOT

oh lorddddd, where do i start? this plot is confusing as hell. so the story is like a fantasy, thriller, suspense, romance, drama type of thing and it took me a few internet searches to really understand what was going on. okay so the reason why the plot is so all over the place is because the anime was actually based off of an otome game of the same title (for some reason, i thought it was the other way around, but somehow this makes more sense). translating this complexe of a storyline into an anime was probably quite challenging. i think it was an intentional decision to make the plot confusing, so that we as viewers truly understand how the heroine feels, but honestly it just gave me a headache. i watch anime’s to relax, not to feel like i’m taking a calculus test, i’d close my eyes for two seconds and it was like i’d skipped seven episodes, like yeah it was just too much for my two remaining braincells. however, now that i truly understand the plot, i actually think it’s a very good story, despite the mind fuck it caused me. i’ve read a few amnesia trope stories, but none had a plot this complexe, so i really liked it. i also liked how the heroine got some alone time with each boy, since they each had their own universes (or routes), which is rare in reverse harem anime’s, usually it’s just one neutral route. it reminded me of kamigami no asobi in that sense, since kna also gives each boy their own episode. overall, i think it was a very good storyline, it was just confusing. if you watch anime as a way to do something to pass time that requires absolutely no brain power, you’ll hate this anime, but if you like an anime that keeps you engaged and on your toes, you’ll definitely love it.

rating: 7/10

THE LOVE INTEREST

at the beginning, i thought the love interests were pretty lackluster, honestly. i think it was a purposeful choice made by the writers, bc they wanted us viewers to feel like how the heroine feels, like they’re all strangers, but the boys become really likable once you get to their episodes (except for one, won’t spoil who buuuut let’s just say one of the love interests gets a little too possessive). i love how different their personalities are, my favorite’s definitely kent (although ukyo comes at a close second)! each of them could fit into a stereotypical reverse harem love interest mold/trope: like toma is the fun, outgoing onii-chan who raised you, shin is the angsty, moody tsundere who you grew up with, ikki is the womanizer with a melodramatic past, ukyo is the mysterious sad boi with issues and kent is the shy, robotic dork who doesn’t understand love. however, they all felt like original characters, since their personalities were so unique, which i loved. also, i liked how each boy went through (or at least some) character development, whether good or bad, they didn’t stay consistent throughout the story and you really got to see a different side of them in each of their universes.

rating: 9/10

THE HEROINE

the heroine is pretty boring, as expected of reverse harems, however i really didn’t mind it, considering the plot. can you even blame her for being confused and airhead-ish all the time? she lost her memory for christ’s sake, i was actually impressed at how composed she seemed. she’s quite sensible (with some episodes) and she actually tries really hard to get her memory back, instead of whining and crying all day. she’s very weary of people, and she wasn’t as gullible and naive as reverse harem heroines usually are, which i liked. she’s fairly consistent throughout the story, but i think i liked her best in shin and ikki’s universes. she’s kind of dumb in toma’s universe though.

rating: 8/10

THE ROMANCE

not the most romantic reverse harem, i’ll admit. as i said, the heroine is very anxious all of the time, and she doesn’t really seem to trust (most of) the boys. she tries to avoid any intimate interactions the love interests, and when there were kissing scenes, they were forced. i’d compare her and the boys dynamic like a family trying to gain the trust of a newly adopted puppy (that might be kind of degrading, but you know what i mean), in some episodes she was more willing to get close to the boys, while in others she seemed more reluctant. there were some cute/angsty scene, but not that many (although my favorite was the phone call scene with ikki). it was definitely more of a dramatic, intense, bordering on suspense story than a romantic one.

rating: 5/10

THE ANIMATION STYLE

i really liked this animation style, it’s honestly one of the prettiest reverse harem animations i’ve seen. it reminded me a bit of diabolik lovers, which has my second favorite animation out of all of the reverse harems i’ve seen (after magic kyun renaissance). i really loved the deep colors, the intricate clothes and patterns, the attention to detail in each scene. i thought it was really cool how each love interest’s outfit was based off of a playing card (ikki being spade, toma being diamond, shin being heart and kent being clubs)!

rating: 10/10

FINAL RATING: ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

which brings us to an overall score of 78% or a b+.i think the anime is actually worth a watch, it’s unique, the animation is really cool, the love interests aren’t surface level and the music is really good. i’d recommend it to anyone who wants to watch a reverse harem, but hates anything slice of life, romcom, high school romance-y. honestly, i could see a straight guy really enjoying this anime too. i watched the anime both in japanese and in english, and honestly, i’d watch it in japanese if i were you. sometimes the words that the characters were saying or in tone in which they were saying them didn’t really match with the character’s expression, so it really ticked me off. i thought watching the english dub would make the plot a little easier to understand, but honestly it didn’t help much.

#amnesia #amnesia memories #amnesia anime #amnesia otome game #ukyo amnesia #ikki amnesia #toma amnesia #shin amnesia #kent amnesia #otome game #reverse harem #otome review #amnesia review #nina’s words

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fyrapartnersearch · 3 years

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It's You, It's Me, It's Us

Hello I go by Del & I’m searching for new partners! I’m a 22 year old woman & prefer all my writing partners to be 18+, please. I love a lil OOC chat, face claims, memes, sending plot-related ideas and thoughts to one another, etc.

I prefer RP in 3rd person, past tense, multi - paragraph format. Literate, lots of description, like a novel - all preferred. But if you’re not comfortable writing a lot, I am more than happy with 2 paragraphs or so! Just give me something to work with that equally shares action.

I am looking for dramatic, dark, romantic, angsty, action-packed, and/or intriguing plots! l love smut and mature themes such as violence or drugs/alcohol within reason - below I will list my limits. I play female characters, and prefer not to do doubling - perfectly happy with splitting up side characters evenly (and for side characters I am happy to play any gender), but I prefer a main storyline to surround only two! I am looking for someone to play a male in a mxf story, please.

I love both fandom roleplays and original roleplays, and will list below my current cravings:

Fandoms:

-Hannibal (!!!!PLEASE give me a Hannibal or Chilton for my OC!)

-The Haunting of Bly Manor (give me a Peter Quint…)

-Dead by Daylight/most Horror Movies and Themes

-Pride and Prejudice

-Fallout Universe

-Marvel - Very specifically I solely roleplay as Sigyn from the Marvel comics and Norse mythology - she is my main muse who I have been with for years, and information on her can be found on my Sigyn blog (@victoryandfidelity) or my Norse mythology/Logyn blog (@dancewiththewinterwind). Happy to roleplay with any canon characters, heroes or villains, OCs, you name it. Also fine w pairing Sigyn with canon characters/OCs from other fandoms. This is my biggest biggest wish, just someone to play with Sigyn!!! Also high-key searching for a Loki, Doctor Strange or Steve Rogers currently but I'll take anyone for Sig. (also would love a Gerald of Rivia for her…)

There are more fandoms- feel free to toss anything my way to discuss! Also I LOVE AUs so please hit me up with any and all AUs for these.

As for original RP themes/scenarios, I want to explore:

-1920’s Jazz Age (Gatsby, gangsters, Old Hollywood, Dust Bowl)

-Royalty plots (as well as uprisings, coups, hidden affairs, you name it)

-1930’s-1940’s WWII tensions and scenarios (nurse and soldier, military head and administration assistant/translator, etc etc)

-Victorian Settings, Edwardian Settings

-Medieval/Renaissance/etc

-Cults / Lovecraftian or Edgar Allan Poe-themed stuff

-Darker or more developed takes on Disney/fairytales

-Norse/Greek Mythology

-Dark man melting for the innocent, wise woman

-Titanic-esque

-Vikings

-Old West stuff

-Modern day settings welcome too, so long as they’re not just slice of life

-Supernatural/paranormal plots

-Arranged marriages, forbidden romances

-Anything Historical

-Stuff based on musicals (Great Comet, Hadestown, Death Takes a Holiday, Phantom of the Opera, etc)

Literally anything vintage or gritty or fantasy or mystical, etc.

Hard Limits include rape, incest, pedophilia, excessive abuse to women, etc. For smut, preferences and the like can be provided upon request.

Please give me a message so we can chat, discuss plots and characters, and make some stories! Feel free to come with your own characters and plot ideas that you're dying to use, too. I’m happy to send a writing sample as well :)

[email protected] or victoryandfidelity#5877 on Discord!

#Indie rp #oc rp #multiple paragraph #literate #action #drama angst #fandom #fantasy #historical #horror #original #post apocalyptic #romance #supernatural #western #submission

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yinxiong · 4 years

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do u have any anime recs?? ive only watched the popular ones like haikyuu, bnha and aot but its kinda overwhelming to look for new ones so im asking u since i know & trust that u have good taste

ooohhhhhh boyyyy im vibrating bc 1) you’re asking me for anime recs 2) yOU SAID I HAVE GOOD TASTE HDJK THANK 🥺💞

okay but being serious here ,,, i’m not sure exactly what genres you’re looking for so i’ll put a list of my favorites + other ones similar to those 3 you might enjoy :))) if you have anything specific in mind lmk !!! i recently compiled a list of everything i’ve watched / tried to watch (it’s quite embarrassing actually) so hopefully there’s something you’ll like on there 😊

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood

genre: shounen, action, fantasy, women characters being badass

very brief summary: two boys learn alchemy and try to get their bodies back, ends up unravelling government conspiracy in the process

this is my all time favorite uhdfdjks

top tier, a masterpiece truly

i'd rate it 100/10 but it surpasses that honestly

it's just really REALLY good

might be a little bit slow in the beginning but trust me it picks up quickly

if you’re interested it’s originally a manga and has some more details the anime left out !!!

assassination classroom / ansatsu kyoushitsu

genre: shounen, school, action, kids being kids but with knives and guns

brief summary: a class of kids are assigned to kill a super monster before he blows up the earth in exactly one year - the catch is that he’s their homeroom teacher :D

basically kids learning how to be assassins but also trying to pass school and it's all very heartfelt and you WILL adopt them all

10/10 i cry every time

honestly watch this first it’s very easy to follow

also a manga with a few storylines the anime left out, not crucial but i recommend anyways since i read it first before the anime even came out and it just has a special place in my heart

noragami

genre: shounen, urban fantasy, gods being literal disasters someone pls help them

brief summary: a girl accidentally meets an unknown god and asks him for his help, slowly learns more about his world (i’m so sorry this is really vague but it’ll all be covered in the first episode trust me)

the gods can find spirits (dead people) and turn them into weapons if that’s cool

sexy animation !!!!!

only big flaw with the anime is that they mess up the main character’s characterization a little bit so you might want to read the manga? also only has two seasons and the manga is further along ,,, but everyone is currently stressed tf out over the plot ohmygod ,,,

gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun

genre: romantic comedy but heavy emphasis on comedy, slice of life, literal chaos

brief summary: a girl has a crush on a guy who turns out to be a manga artist, she winds up being his assistant (this barely covers it though)

a bunch of high school kids being chaotic and oblivious

just watch it i can’t really explain it in words you’ll be laughing a lot

only one season so if you enjoy there’s also more chaos in the manga

your lie in april / shigatsu wa kimi no uso

genre: shoujo, classical music !!!!

brief summary: a former piano prodigy who no longer plays because he can’t hear music meets a violinist that brings color into his life once again

look

this is top tier

so beautiful hhdjfdks

i watched this on my new tv and shed real tears

as a pianist/musician i adore it a lot hhhhh the pieces they chose to play are all the favs (i performed a medley with my violinist friend for a show once hahahah)

a little sad tho beware of feels

the opening song is like . so freaking well known omg

akame ga kill!

genre: shounen, action, lots of fighting and blood, war

brief summary: a boy joins a group of assassins who are working to overthrow the shithole government (yea sounds kind of basic but there’s more to it)

mainly just girls with weapons

i mean there’s guys too but the girls are the best characters

the weapons are lowkey magical too

yea this is where my nickname came from lol

the anime gets a 7/10 but the manga probably 8/10

manga is darker, more graphic but better plotwise

no game no life

genre: shounen, a bit of ecchi ugh, lots of mind games

brief summary: two genius gamer siblings get transported to a world where everything is decided by games, they decide they want to beat god

very colorful and pretty animation!!!!

there’s some questionable “fanservice” moments but ignoring that the plot is legit

only one season tho :(( pls it was so popular when it came out where is s2

there is a movie prequel, a lot more angsty but still vv good

ao haru ride

genre: shoujo, the usual high school romance, slice of life

brief summary: a girl meets the guy she used to have a crush on, only to find that his personality has completely changed (she has too though)

insert falling back in love

one of the shoujo classics haha

i binged this in one night a few weeks ago

not sure if it was worth it but i had fun lmao

just a low stakes cute anime

also very pretty

only 12 eps, the manga finishes later

given

genre: just music boys being gay lol (jk it’s kind of sad)

brief summary: a boy learns to move on from his ex by joining a band (this is possibly the shittiest summary ever but i dont wanna give anything away hdjhkjs)

just watch it lmao it’ll make sense

idiot boys

band boys !!!

feels but not overwhelming

the comedy is top notch though

i adore given so much hhjkdf waiting for the movie to come out

THE MUSIC IS SO GOOD

all the songs are on spotify i listen to them way too much

yuri on ice

genre: figure skaters being gay that’s all you need to know

brief summary: a figure skater falls into a slump, somehow winds up with the top skater as his coach (yet another shitty summary sorry)

hmm this isn’t actually one of my favorites but it’s popular enough so why not

i just really love figure skating hfjdks

it’s pretty accurate i’d say! there are even easter eggs of top men skaters irl hahah

definitely dramatized lol

but still pretty fun

bungou stray dogs

genre: shounen, urban fantasy, very dapper mafia / detectives

brief summary: a kid on the run after getting kicked out of his orphanage accidentally saves a detective, shit goes down from there

pretty fun as you learn about their powers, watch them solve mysteries

the fighting is cool too

until the machine guns appear ugh i just tune that part out

oh yea all the characters are named for actual literary figures and i didnt realize until s2 💀

fairy tail

genre: shounen, magic/fantasy, action, friends !!!!!

brief summary: just mages in guilds going on quests lolol what more do you want

fr it’s honestly quite chill

like there’s definitely an ongoing plot and lots of subplots / arcs

but it’s very character driven

so many cool character designs

was OBSESSED w this in middle school ,,, highkey embarrassing omg

one of the big anime/manga, if you like bnha i’m sure you’ll have fun with fairy tail

this was a stupidly long list and im clearly way too excited ,,, if you have any questions or just want to scream about any of these, my inbox is always open ;)))

#ask #anon #anime recs #plsss im a weeb #ive definitely lost followers over it #but idc anymore #tysm for this ask ily

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whoslaurapalmer · 4 years

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For the ask meme: The Last Airbender, Kataang, Azula! And if you're up for it: Legend of Korra, Korrasami, and Korra herself.

oooo!! thank you!!!!

so i have previously done last airbender and azula, and i still have such absolutely boring kataang takes, so --

KORRA TIME

Favorite character: JINORA, zhu li, kya, ikki, eska, korra, bumi

Least Favorite character: okay.........meelo grates on my nerves, often, i feel bad about that but he does, and i like Get zaheer as a character but i’m very ‘meh’ about him, really, same with unalaq

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): i am just as boring in my ships with korra as i am with last airbender so it really is just, korrasami

Character I find most attractive: ....asami’s hair flips are so pretty

Character I would marry: tough call. not really any of them??

Character I would be best friends with: god you know what it’s probably still katara only now i get old badass katara.

a random thought: i think the show is better watched binged straight through from beginning to end than it was watching it in real time, with the space between books, because i remember being really irritated by korra especially in book 2, but when i sat down to watch it straight from beginning to end after it was all over i liked the pacing a lot more and i liked korra a lot more.

An unpopular opinion: back when book 1 first happened i thought it would be better if korra could still only airbend at the end of book 1 and spent the rest of the books getting the other elements back but in retrospect i don’t know how that would work (although i mean given wan and the lion turtles? that could’ve actually worked.) but i still get a little Irritated about her just regaining her bending like that. sometimes i feel like the writing in korra, as good as it is OVERALL, is kind of, uneven because i think bryke weren’t ever sure if they’d get the next season???? oh this is not unpopular i’m really bad at unpopular

okay this is probably the true unpopular opinion, i don’t think pema should’ve been pregnant in book 1 solely because in general (but not always) i Do Not like pregnancy plots because they’re mostly used for certain dramatic moments and then afterwards you have a baby to deal with that usually isn’t ever talked about again because no one has the time to bother with them because now it’s not an optionally angsty plot point i mean seriously what do we really see of rohan after he’s born and if we see him he’s just passed around like a lil potato and not that we HAVE to see character in A NEWBORN but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN i am of the firm opinion that if you write something you have to deal with the repercussions and that means Dealing With New Baby Character and rarely do i see that happen

My Canon OTP: korrasami!

My Non-canon OTP: ..........honestly like the whole cast/happiness

Most Badass Character: IT’S STILL TOPH

Most Epic Villain: the thing about korra was because there’s a different villain for each season they all have sort of......an Epic-ness about them, i think? they definitely have a finality about all of them, but they’re all, fairly well-written, but in terms of BEING EPIC i think zaheer is epic in terms of grandeur and kuvira is epic in terms of her whole side-character-to-accidental-villain thing

Pairing I am not a fan of: is there anyone who’s a fan of mako and korra, at this point? okay probably but. no

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): okay it’s not that like, i think they screwed up here, but like, what i would’ve done for more info about izumi and just like, zuko as a parent, OH but at (my usual) a passing backwards glance over the series, maybe mako could’ve been, written better, idk, there’s a thin line sometimes between ‘a character rightfully changing over time and making mistakes and other important character stuff and i’m just rightfully irritated at some of the stuff he did cause like the audience is supposed to be’ and ‘a character should’ve just been written better’

Favourite Friendship: su and lin do become better friends, right?? (it’s been so long.) and i specify ‘friends’ because i think their relationship has to exist as them being friends compared to them being sisters (not because they’re half-sisters but because of just how they were as sisters)

Character I most identify with: it’s korra because of The Depression Arc like damn

Character I wish I could be: yeah it’s still jinora, even before last airbender happened i was always super-fascinated (in the way that children are with the idea of magic) by the idea of controlling air so when the show happen i always wanted to be an airbender, just in general, and i always really liked jinora’s wholehearted belief and confidence in her abilities and how take no shit she becomes (and also “i will make no such promises.”)

korrasami!

When I started shipping them: the finale happened and i was like ‘well there’s no way i’m not gonna ship them’

My thoughts: i really wanna rewatch the show (i haven’t since......when did pokemon go come out, it was that summer. 2016????? really????? fuck.) and really pay attention to their relationship because memory tells me it could’ve been a little more consistent, but in general they have the most genuine, heartfelt chemistry built upon actual respect and admiration for each other and they get each other in a way that mako clearly did not get them. also goddddd the fact that asami is the only one korra can comfortably write to while she’s depressed really fucking gets me

What makes me happy about them: they make each other happy and (idk in my opinion which rapidly builds headcanons at the speed of light sometimes) make each other feel happy about themselves and that’s really all you can ask for, in a relationship

What makes me sad about them: when they were weird rivals for a while in book 1 because girl rivals (especially over a boy) hurt my soul

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: i’ve never actually sought out fic with them!!

Things I look for in fanfic: in general, i am, a terrible stickler about characterization, and that doesn’t change in any pairing or fandom

My wishlist: my Absolute Jam, across the board in all fandoms, is post-canon fics (or during canon sometimes that’s applicable) where, the actual canon trauma is discussed and worked through (in some way or another) so if i was going to look for fanfic with them, that would be, at the top of the list, but i would also just take slice of life cuddles because i always think about that sweet art bryan did where they’re in the turtledove float and that’s so comfy and warm

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: personal happiness

My happily ever after for them: they get to chill and not have to run around saving the world all the time

korra!

How I feel about this character: korra took a while to grow on me, and also like, main characters tend to be typically underrated in a large cast and aren’t usually people’s favorites compared to other characters, but i have come to really like her a lot!! she really is more lonely than people gave her credit for and she has to deal with A Lot, constantly, and so much of korra is her trying to figure out not just how to be the best avatar but how to be the best her and when she gets to do either one and who lets her do either one, and her frustration and rage are so quick and volatile and personal and high-key relatable, and damn was her depression/recovery arc done well

also the fact that she was accidentally holding onto the remaining lead and had to get it out herself is, yeah

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: asami!

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: KORRA AND NAGA i was going through my korra tag and found the comic where she finds naga and god it’s just the best

My unpopular opinion about this character: hmmmm. is this still unpopular? korra’s occasional brattiness is completely justified when you look at the series as a whole (which is why i mention watching it that way) because wow she’s grown up completely isolated from anyone else her own age and people in her life inadvertently or on purpose took advantage of that

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: all i would say is her, awkwardness in interacting with people at the beginning of the show because of how she grew up but we do get that, don’t we

Favorite friendship for this character: korra honestly needs more friends her age

My crossover ship: none!

#CAN LULU ANSWER AN ASK WITHOUT OVERUSING 'I THINK'?? THE ANSWER IS NO #cerealninjakat

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heathendolan · 6 years

Text

People Like Grayson (G.D)

Summary: The last words your soulmate will say to you are tattooed on your wrist.

Warnings: none besides swearing and a lot of sad stuff

A/N: hi everyone, maybe not the type of fic you wanted but i really wanted to challenge myself as a writer and write something that i would never typically write. honestly i could hardly do it i was an emotional wreck lol :// extended authors note here. Ethan’s version: Forget Me Nots.

Word Count: 14.9K+ || masterlist

You waited until your fourteenth birthday to check what your wrist said.

You'd waited years until you really wanted to know, until you couldn't wait, and then you waited some more. You never saw the point in finding out; you weren't a fan of the future when your life was average and rocky, and you didn't want anything to be set in stone, including the words you'd hear echoing in your head torturously after you'd lost the one you would love. So, you avoided the ink like the black plague and hoped that maybe if you didn't know, it wouldn't happen.

But then, you were twelve and you stood at the wake of your grandpa's funeral with bloodshot eyes and a lawless hatred for the universe and you held your brother's hand like it was a lifeline. From the corner of your eye you saw your mother cry hysterically into her hands and that was just too much for you, no matter how much you bit on your lip, no matter how much blood seeped into your mouth, no matter how much you clenched your jaw to hold back strangled sobs, you couldn't hold it in, so you let it out. You shook your head and cursed your emotions, cursed your love for people, cursed your giant heart and the memories it held for the little old man who brought you to ice cream parlors every Sunday.

You curled in on yourself in the back of a church bench, wrapped your own weak arms around your own weak knees because you'd shoved away the affection of everyone else that night, because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that we spent our lives loving and losing and trying to deal with the aftermath of constant heartbreak. You were bawling into balled fists when you heard the creak of old wood beside you, and you feared it might be God himself coming to chastise you for your doubt, for your anger and your hostility.

But it wasn't. It was your grandma, sweet as honey and warm as the sun, grinning softly as she rubbed a wrinkled hand down your back. You scrubbed away your selfish tears, humiliated as you stared at the woman that would suffer the most from it all, the woman who smiled in sympathy as she lost her soulmate. "Darling you're going to flood the Sahara with all these tears," she cooed, chuckling as you groaned.

"Gram, I don't wanna go a Sunday without ice cream," you whispered, sucking in your bottom lip.

"Who says you gotta?" she asked.

You shrugged and picked at a loose thread in your very prickly dress. "Fate."

"Did fate kill all the cows and steal all the sugar?" she laughed, patting your thigh casually, and that stung more than anything--that your Grandma was cracking jokes for your sake when you were sure she was withering inside.

"Gram, it hurts," you breathed, your words practically inaudible. "Please don't act like everything's okay."

"But everything is, Sweetheart. I got all I need. I got closure," she beamed. She yanked up her shawl sleeve and ran her finger over the veiny skin of her wrist. "Says 'Don't forget to feed Brutus while I'm gone,'" she grinned, still petting the ink where it marked her.

You weren't quite sure how that could sugarcoat the fact that her husband was dead.

"He knows I forget. He knows me better than anyone else, and he just had said it as I sat in the hospital holdin' his hand. Such a bittersweet feeling knowing you spent your life with the right person as they die, and Honey, I had your grandpa for forty-eight years; had him for long enough for him to know me and love me too. Everything is okay."

Your eyes flooded once more and your nose stung. "What'd you say back?" you asked, your voice thick with emotion.

"Said 'Don't forget to love me when you leave,'" she smiled, squeezing your leg painfully tight and you knew it hurt her. But then she was chuckling all raspy and saying, "Bastard. Gave him such a romantic tattoo, and all I have is this reminder," with a laugh, waving her wrist.

So, you waited two more years to find out, itching with curiosity.

Waited until you wanted to know, and then when you really wanted to know, you waited some more. So, you sat at the counter with your birthday cake in front of you, illuminated with fourteen rainbow candles. "Alright go ahead- wait, hold on, let me get the camera," your mom squealed, running off. You stared down at the frosting with a watering mouth and watched the wax dribble down under the heat. "Okay, okay. Make a wish!" she cheered, snapping pictures left and right.

You sucked in a chest-full of air and puffed out your cheeks, blowing out the flames one by one. Let it be good, let the words be good, let him be good, let life be good, let it be-

"What'd you wish for?!" your mom shouted, clapping her hands together excitedly.

"Mom, stop, you're being weird," you chuckled nervously.

"Oh, don't tell me fourteen comes with this angsty teenage sass?" she wailed. You rolled your eyes at her and shook your head. "See! None of that," she said, pointing an accusatory finger at you.

"Well, I can't tell you my wish, then it won't come true," you whined.

"Don't tell me you believe that old myth, c'mon, share with your momma," she grinned, pulling up a stool and propping her chin on her fist.

You glared at your cake, twisting the candles out of the glaze. You did believe that old myth. "Of course I don't, you just don't need to know everything about me," you sniffed haughtily.

Your mom cocked her head, a disapproving frown on her lips. "(Y/N)."

"Fine," you groaned dramatically. "I'm just hoping my soulmate words are good. Well, as good as they can be. They're gonna be bad either way since my soulmate will be dead after I hear 'em," you shrugged, sucking the frosting off the bottom of a candle. You grabbed the kitchen knife beside the platter and sliced a slit into the fluff. After a few beats of silence, you dragged the slice onto your plate and mumbled, "And I don't care if you think that's dumb. I just want life to be good."

Your mom cleared her throat and you glanced up at her. "I didn't realize you hadn't looked yet," she frowned, grabbing the knife and dishing herself her own slice. "I didn't realize you thought so cynically about your words, either."

You glared at her and said, "I don't know how you can think so positively about them. They're torture. And that's not my 'teenage angst' speaking or whatever, that's realism. What if you don't meet the right one, and you spend your whole life with someone else, only to find out that they're not actually the one? Or that you've already heard them, and you don't even know it. It's stupid, like how do you even know if Dad's the one? That's right, you don't." You stabbed your fork too aggressively into your birthday cake, feeling more miserable by the second.

"Missy, I don't know where this know-it-all complex came from, but until you fall in love with someone, you don't know what you're talking about. I'd risk everything for your father, so if he's not the one, I couldn't care less. I'm insanely in love with him. I'm sorry babe, but life isn't gonna be that bad for you," she smirked, shoveling a forkful of cake into her mouth. You mumbled your mouth in mimicry, and she reached over and smacked your head. "Enough of that, and I'm not kidding. I'll take your phone. Where's my sweet thirteen-year-old?" she frowned.

"She's dead and gone," you smirked, chomping down on another chunk of dessert. "Thank you for the cake, mother dearest," you drawled, tossing aside your attitude and kissing her on the head. "And thank you for the great birthday. Now, I'm off to go look at my words. Read 'em and weep," you snorted sarcastically.

You clambered up the stairs to your bedroom, taking the steps two at a time. Your hands shook a bit as you sealed your door shut, locking you in a silent room full of nervous, breathy sighs. Okay. Okay, you can do this. You trudged over to your bed and fixed yourself crisscross-applesauce on it, sucking in a deep breath. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

So, you flipped over your wrist quickly, in hopes of ripping the band-aid off--but it would only open up a fresh new, undeniably painful wound.

It was nice to meet you.

What? you thought, your lip wobbling as your eyes studied each word separately, then together, then again, and again, and again.

It was nice to meet you.

What the fuck did that mean? You're only ever going to meet them, and then lose them right after? What?

It was nice to meet you.

No, no, no.

It was nice to meet you.

You tangled your fingers in your hair, tore knots in it and yanked out hair with shaky hands. This was a joke right? A fucking joke?

You only vaguely remember screaming, screaming bloody murder and sobbing profusely. It wasn't until your mom busted down your door that you realized you were deaf to the world--apart from the high pitched ringing echoing in your ears. Your lips were numb, your hands were numb, your legs were numb, and the only thing you could really feel was the anxiety churning in the pit of your stomach and your heart thumping radically in your chest.

What's wrong? you saw your mom mouth, undoubtedly screaming, but fuck, you couldn't hear. You wailed and thrashed; you'd take your Grandma's 'Don't forget to feed Brutus while I'm gone' etching over this any day. You'd take anything but this; you'd do anything to get your soulmate the way everyone else did; for life. Your mom yanked your wrist to her and reflexively gasped into her hand. And you might have laughed bitterly, or you might have cried harder--didn't matter to you.

Yeah Mom, life is gonna be that bad for me.

You sat with Anna at a coffee table, disgustingly-sweet frappuccino in one hand, phone in the other. "Did you see Karlie got lowlights? What is this, 2004?" she spat, shaking her head with a pair of wide eyes.

"They might look good," you shrugged, licking away a drizzle of caramel syrup from the rim of your cup. "Besides, absolutely nothing can be worse than her bubblegum pink hair from last year," you snorted. Anna flipped her phone to you, and you squinted at the picture. "Oh, oh god, never mind," you winced, sipping from your straw.

"Uh-huh," Anna nodded, scrolling with her thumb.

"So, how's Chris?" you asked with a smirk, flexing a brow.

She curled her lip and shook her head. "Not feeling it."

"Anna, come on. You've ditched every guy you've dated so far," you said, cocking your head disapprovingly.

"So? I'm sixteen, what do you want me to do, marry them?" she laughed dryly and rolled her eyes.

And maybe that did sound a bit stupid on your part. "Well, no, but who do you really want? Like, what are you looking for that they don't have? Cause Chris is rich as hell--if you're not gonna take him, I will," you giggled, grinning warmly at her in hopes of rekindling the carefree atmosphere you had only moments before.

She smirked and said, "I don't know, just none of them compare to your brother," airily. You suddenly couldn't care less if there was a carefree atmosphere; she was pissing you off too. "I'm kidding!" she exclaimed, stirring her latte with a straw.

But you knew she wasn't.

"Besides, he's like, way older and- and I don't even think about him that way," she bluffed, twirling a strand of hair around her finger, which was her lying tick.

"Uh-huh," you chuckled, shaking your head. "Whatever, I don't care."

"Speaking of soulmates, got any ideas of-"

"Whoa, holy fuck, you did not just call my brother your soulmate!" you screeched. Everyone in the cafe turned their heads in interest, ready to hear the juicy details of this real-life soap opera. She ducked her head low, her face tomato red, and you squeezed the bridge of your nose. "Sorry. Kind of. Anna, what?" you sighed, sliding a hand down your face.

She cowered beneath your gaze and said, "I mean, nobody knows for certain, but-"

"Anna."

She groaned and pressed her head against the table and mumbled something incoherently.

"Anna."

She stomped her feet against the coffee shop's floor. "I'm in love with your brother. And my wrist says 'Please spend Christmas with my family even after I'm gone, you know my mom loves your apple crisp,' so I think that's pretty damning," she squeaked.

And it was. Your mom loved her apple crisp.

"Fucking aye," you growled, falling back against your seat with a stone expression. You didn't want to be sour--it's not like she chose her soulmate. It wasn't even necessarily that it was your brother, it was that she had someone for life and you didn't.

"(Y/N), look, I'm sorry," she gushed, grabbing your hand from across the table. "If I could choose anyone else, I would. But-"

"But you can't choose, and I get that. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at everything else," you explained, shrugging a shoulder.

"What do you mean?" she asked timidly, propping her chin on her fist.

"I mean, I'm pissed that you get a soulmate," you grumbled, pounding the table with your fist. And Anna looked like she might cry. "No, no, no, sorry, okay, no," you rushed out when it dawned on you just how awful that sounded. "I-"

"You don't think I deserve a soulmate?" she croaked, curling in on herself.

"No, Anna you know I think you deserve a soulmate," you sighed. You picked at your cuticles with a scowl, unsure just how to go about explaining that you'd be alone, forever. She waited patiently, sadly, quietly. "I don't get a soulmate. Well, not for long, at least," you admitted, tears pooling in your eyes.

"What?" she breathed.

You shoved your wrist in her face and avoided that sympathetic gaze she was bound to give you. You heard her gasp softly, and then she was tugging you into her tightly. And you cried on her shoulder in the middle of that coffee shop, and that's all you needed for a second, some release.

"I left money for pizza on the counter, her bedtime's 9:30 and she'll definitely try and convince you to let her stay up and watch Looney-Tunes, and she's good at it too okay, she can nearly persuade me, but just, be strong. Also, she'll use these super cute eyes and ask for Kit-Kats, just, don't give them to her, especially since she's already had two donuts today, god what kind of mother am I-"

"Carol, get out of here," you chuckled, shooing her from the door. "Brooke and I are gonna have an awesome night, aren't we Brookie Dough?" you asked, bouncing her where she clung to your hip. Brooke giggled and nodded, tangling her stubby fingers in your hair.

"Okay, okay!" Carol said, waving her hands about. "But seriously, no Looney-Tunes, it ends after 10:00 and that's way too late for her-"

"Carol!"

"Fine! Alright, bye you two," she smiled, backing out of the house and slamming the front door shut.

You grinned devilishly down at Brooke as soon as you saw Carol's car pull out onto the street. "You wanna Kit-Kat?"

"Yes, please," she giggled, crooked-teeth in full display.

You laughed and nodded, juggling her as you walked to the kitchen, grabbing a basket stowed away on the top shelf. You held it out for her and said, "Just one." Brooke nodded furiously before grabbing two, layering them discreetly, and you pretended not to notice. With a chuckle, you asked, "Where's your momma going?"

She hugged the candy bars to her tummy, attempting to be discreet. "Ummm, she's going out on a date with Daddy. And she says- and she says he's her mate person," Brooke says, cupping her hands around your ear and whispering not-so-quietly.

"Oh, that's good!" you cheered, your stomach wrenching at the thought of soulmates.

"Yeah, her wrist- and her wrist says, 'I'm glad'- it says 'I'm glad we spent our whole lives together,'" Brooke mumbled, her words stringing together messily.

Jealousy sprouted in you and your heart began to ache. "Well, your momma and daddy are very lucky to have one another," you said, kissing her temple.

"What's yours say?" Brooke asked, jabbing you in the wrist.

The permanent smile you wore for babysitting duties faltered a bit, but you quickly recovered and said, "It says, 'Hey, it was nice to meet you.' Not very exciting." You forced a laugh and pinched her side, sending her into a fit of giggles. "What does yours say, Brookie Dough?"

She giggled some more and pulled up her knitted sweater. "I don't know, I can't read yet," she said. Above it was a temporary tattoo of a butterfly, iridescent and glittery and childish and perfect. "Can you read it to me?" she asked flashing her wrist to you.

You grabbed it and scanned the tattoo. Your total will be 3.58. Your heart sank to the pit of your stomach.

"Gosh, I can't read it either, Brookie-Bear!" you fibbed, animating your lie with a shocked, believable expression. You weren't sure if you were awful for postponing her heartbreak, or kind for letting her learn on her own, just as you had.

"That's what momma and daddy said, too!" she laughed, shaking her head so her curls bobbed around. "Weird."

And that's when you realized you didn't have it so bad. So, you gave Brooke another Kit-Kat, flipped the television on, and let her watch Looney-Tunes until 11:00 PM.

Sunshine peaked from your cloudy mind after that, because someone out there was always going to have it worse than you, and that was just a fact.

"So, you gonna throw a rager for your eighteenth?" you smirked, eyeing Anna in the passenger seat.

"Maybe if you can get my parents to fuck off for a weekend," she laughed, rolling her eyes. "No, I'm kidding. Kind of. I don't think I'll be able to if they're home, obviously, so probably not," she shrugged. "What about you? Your B-day is pretty close, too," she said, poking your arm.

"Nah, can't throw one or drink at one, Mom would kill me," you laughed.

Anna groaned and dragged a hand down her face. "Dude, you gotta live on the edge for once in your life. What's the worst that could happen?"

"That's one stupid fucking question," you chuckled, pulling into your driveway.

"Okay, but what's the best that could happen?" she prompted, hope in her voice and a skip in her step.

"Harry Styles spontaneously makes a pit stop in New Jersey and absolutely rails me-"

"(Y/N), you're disgusting," she laughed, shoving you into your house.

"I'm disgusting? You literally have a kink for-"

"Don't say another fucking word," your brother garbled around a mouthful of Special K. He was lounging on the couch, feet kicked up on the coffee table with Rugrats reruns playing, and Anna's breath hitched and her face blushed a furious red, just as it always did when she was around your brother, and you smacked her upside the head.

"You really are disgusting," you grimaced, strutting into the kitchen.

"Hey," your brother shouted, still chomping on his cereal. "You have some mail from Berkeley," he mentioned casually.

You spun on your heel, sprinting back towards the living room, grabbing his head. "What?"

He scrunched up his face and swatted at your jazzy hands. "Ew, get off of me," he groaned.

"Oh my god, why wouldn't you tell me as soon as I walked in the door?! Why aren't you excited?! Why-"

"Jesus Christ (Y/N), just go open the fucking letter," he grumbled, jerking his head away from your hands.

Anxiety bubbled in your stomach as you scampered off to the kitchen, rounding the corners by sliding on your socks, and rummaged through the mail, tearing a few envelopes in your haste. Your hands fluttered as you shredded the casing. You could hardly hear anything over the coursing of blood through your ears. Through tunnel vision, you examined the letter.

Dear (Y/N) (Y/L/N),

On behalf of the Admission Committee, it is my pleasure to offer you admission to University of California, Berkeley-

"Holy fuck!" you screamed, your arms flying skyward compulsively. "I got into Berkeley!" You darted all around your home, working the seemingly-endless supply of adrenaline out of your system. "Anna! Anna, I got into Berkeley!" you cried, your hands flailing around. "Anna! Anna! Anna, you got into Berkeley too!"

"We got into Berkley!" she yelled, tackling you in a hug. You could only return it momentarily, squeezing with all your might before breaking away with another surge of energy.

"Oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe- Oh my god," you screeched, back to hustling about the house.

Your brother paused his Rugrats and between bites, said, "Hey, you make it in?"

"Yes! Oh my god, I can not-"

"Yeah no shit, the whole neighborhood knows," he snorted. "But hey, congrats. Proud of you, (Y/N)."

You bit your lip and squealed, hopping in place. "I'd hug you but-"

"No, please don't, that's okay," he cringed, resuming his cartoon. You rolled your eyes, before prancing around, skipping as you paced through the house, 'cause you made it into Berkeley.

Your brother walked through your dorm room door carrying the mini fridge and the microwave and the coffee maker with strained muscles. Anna's eyes bugged out at them, and you smacked her upside the head.

"Where.. do you want.. this stuff," he muttered, before immediately dropping the boxes to the ground with a crash, undoubtedly breaking something.

"Great fucking job, you probably broke the Keurig," you huffed, pinning him with a glare.

"You're pissed that I carried up all this shit for you-"

"-and Anna!"

-and Anna, and I set it down?" he asked incredulously, his face contorted with annoyance.

"Obviously I'm not pissed that you set it down, I'm pissed that you dropped it like an idiot-"

"Oh, so I'm an idiot for helping?" he barked, his hands flying around.

"No! You're an idiot for-"

Anna's head fell back and she groaned, "Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up, both of you."

And you stopped because it was Anna, and your brother stopped because it was Anna. You glanced at him to find him watching her with those googly-eyes he so-often gave her, and you smacked your forehead. You were not putting up with their bullshit today.

"Okay. Anna, top or bottom bunk?" you asked, craning your neck to the stacked beds.

"Bottom bunk."

You stamped your foot childishly and said, "No! I want bottom bunk."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"To be nice!"

"Too late," she shrugged.

"Okay, I don't think that's-"

Your brother crossed his arms and added his two cents. "Anna should get the bottom bunk if she wants it."

You were irritable and cranky and annoyed. But before you could spit out something nasty, Anna said, "Look, there's only one desk, and I know you need to work at a desk in order to study. So, I'll use my space on the bottom bunk for a study spot, and you get the top bunk but you get the desk too. That's fair, and you know it."

You weighed your options, and then realized you had none because Anna was right and blindly supported by your brother. You set your jaw and said, "Fine."

"So it looks like you two are getting along great as roommates already," your brother snorted. You scowled at him, which did nothing, and Anna ignored him, which was enough to wipe the grin off his face. You pinched your eyes shut and counted to ten before you heaved a dramatic sigh and began fitting your sheets on the top bunk.

Kraigshaw droned on and on about the importance of velocity and you had absolutely zero interest. You leaned back in your seat, rearranging every few seconds when the wood dug uncomfortably into your spine and shuffled your legs. With a sigh, you flopped forward and began doodling a cartoon beach on the margin of your notebook.

A boy behind you grunted and fidgeted furiously, rustling around in his very squeaky chair.

You shaded in the masts of your comic sailboat, tuning out both the professor and the idiot behind you.

But he kept whining.

So, you twisted in your seat and said, "Dude, are you okay?"

He scowled at you with dazzling hazel eyes that stirred something warm in your stomach. "I'm fucking dyslexic. I can't keep up with his slides."

And then you kind of felt like an ass, because you were rude to a person with a learning disorder, and he was really, really gorgeous. "Oh."

"Yeah," he sniped, setting his jaw and rolling his eyes.

Your professor clapped his hands together with finality and said, "Alright y'all, that's enough for the day. I'll see you all... Tuesday? No, Wednesday, sorry." Students clambered out of their seats and up the lecture hall stairs, desperate to ditch physics as quickly as possible.

The boy behind you groaned and let his head fall into his hands pathetically. "I don't get any of this fucking shit," he grumbled.

You bit your lip, and without a moment's thought, said, "I could help you," because he looked so sad, and your heart simply couldn't take it.

He peeped through his fingers. "What?" he asked.

"Could help you, with physics. I'm not that good, but I'm not that bad either. Or, at least help you with the slides. If you want. If you don't then never m-"

"No, I'd love that, I would love that so much," he insisted, nodding frantically.

You giggled and grinned at him. "When are you open? I don't have class until three, so-"

"I'm free right now, I'm done for the day. We could go to the library or one of our dorms, but I don't recommend mine cause my brother Ethan is such an ass and-"

"We can go to mine," you smiled, nervous jitters coursing through you. What if he thinks my room smells weird. Wait what? What am I thinking-

"Perfect, it's probably cleaner than mine too," he laughed.

But it wasn't clean. You laughed for conversation's sake, and then frenziedly texted Anna to clean the room ASAP.

"Mine's good. Um, what's your name?" you giggled, collecting your belongings and striding towards the door, mystery boy on your heels.

"Grayson, how about you?" You could hardly respond, you were stuck on the fact that his name was Grayson and how fitting that was for someone as stunning as himself. Grayson. "What's your name?" he tried again awkwardly.

"Oh, sorry, uh, it's (Y/N). My name's (Y/N)," you fumbled, your cheeks boiling. "Not as cool as Grayson, I know," you laughed.

"Are you kidding? That's a beautiful name," he breathed, stepping in time next to you. "I mean- I mean it is, I-I just- I didn't mean to-" he squeaked, his words jumbling together nervously.

"Thank you, Grayson," you smiled. You'd never been this nervous in your life, you nearly got lost on your way to your dorm, despite having lived there for nearly a month. "I don't know why I'm so nervous right now," you blurted for some unknown reason. You wanted a hole to swallow you up.

"Me too!" Grayson cheered, really laughing for the first time since you'd met him. Dimples popped in the creases of his cheeks and you sucked in a short breath, feeling dizzy and tingly all over. "It's probably because you're really pretty," he confessed, his voice cracking halfway through 'pretty', and he slapped a hand over his mouth with embarrassment.

"I think you're pretty too!" you cried, and then winced. "Handsome, I meant handsome. Well, I meant pretty, but handsome works too. All of those adjectives that mean attractive," you rambled, feeling stupider and stupider by the second. Grayson ducked his head and smiled sheepishly, and you thought your heart might just burst.

You rummaged through your pockets for your dorm key and busted down the door, praying to god Anna cleaned it up before she left for her 1 o'clock. "I don't know that much about physics, but I have a pretty good handle on the math stuff and the history part and the vocab and stuff," you shrugged, dumping your stack of books on your desk.

"That's everything."

You rolled your eyes, "But it's not everything. But I'll try," you mumbled, flipping open your binder. Grayson grinned down at you with the softest of smiles, and you realized physics could be your favorite subject.

You had spent a few hours pouring over formulas and equations (and completely sidetracking with conversation), when you slapped the textbook shut, pinching your nose.

"That's enough for the day, I can't read the word velocity one more time," you groaned, falling back against your chair. Grayson chuckled and agreed, fidgeting nervously where he sat on your desk.

"What are you fussing for?" you asked, teasing him comfortably after spending a few hours with him.

"Nothing," he denied, anxiety in his voice.

"Grayson." He avoided your eyes, so you repeated, "Grayson.”

"I wanna kiss you, okay!" he exclaimed, his hands flying defensively. Your jaw dropped, and then his head sunk into his hands, and he started cursing himself. "Just ignore me, okay. I didn't mean to do that."

It took you a few moments, but you finally worked up the courage to say, "Then kiss me."

And Grayson's eyes bugged cartoonishly, and you shrunk back in your seat and let him scurry over to you, pad either side of your face with his hands, and kiss you clumsily with all the electricity in the world.

Physics was definitely your favorite subject.

"Who knew Cali was so hot," Grayson groaned, screening his eyes with a hand.

The air smelled of tropical tanning oil and chlorine, which was ideal for the blistering heat California so-graciously gifted you. You were stretched out on your stomach, soaking up the sun, Grayson at arms reach, with Ethan fetching you lemonade--life was good. "Literally everyone. It's one of those notoriously hot states," you snorted, nuzzling your nose in the crook of your arm. You peeped open on of your eyes to gauge his reaction. However, Grayson was squinting at his arm with a frown, ignoring you completely.

"Think I got sun poisoning," he mumbled, folding up to inspect his skin better.

"Not possible, we've only been out here for an hour," you laughed, rolling your eyes. "Always so dramatic," you sing-songed vexingly.

His eyebrows shot up and he held up his arm pointedly.

You cocked your head, amused by his theatrics, before yanking his arm over to you so you could fuss over him properly. A nest of butterflies wrestled in your tummy as your fingers brushed over his words, far too scared to ever look at them since they couldn't possibly be meant for you, but you were quickly distracted by the fact that Grayson did indeed have dark red speckles blooming across his skin. "Huh," you muttered, poking your tongue against your cheek.

"See! I'm not the dramatic one, Ethan is," he huffed, pushing at you playfully.

You caught his hand and pulled him towards you, grabbing his jaw and kissing his cheek. "Mmm, no you're still dramatic," you teased, smacking a few more kisses wherever your lips landed. "You're scruffy too," you admired, tapping your fingers against his five-o'clock shadow.

And then he was grabbing your face and scrubbing his stubbly chin all along your cheeks, scratching your skin and giggling like a kid.

"No! Grayson, Grayson!" you screamed, squealing. Grayson chuckled and continued his torture, buffing your skin with his prickly jaw. "I'm gonna get a burn," you whined, pushing at his bare chest.

"Oh, I can't imagine what a burn would feel like right now," he mocked, gesturing to his patchy skin. "And you say I'm dramatic." You giggled and pinched his chin, beckoning obedient lips to yours, kissing him just as you'd practiced hundreds of times before. He was lazy to slide off his pool chair, climbing aboard yours and pressing a palm to your slippery, tan-oiled skin, moving his mouth against yours in that mesmeric way that he did. His kisses slid sideways, exploring their way to your jaw, to your neck, that spot by your ear, the tops of your collarbones and the knoll of your shoulder.

Your fingers teased the nape of his neck, swirling a stray strand around the tip of your finger, and you said, "Gray, nuh-uh, Gray," you laughed as he snuggled deeper against you. "It's too hot--your skin proves it. God, I can't believe you got sun poisoning," you frowned, shaking your head. You dragged a hand down his arm until you reached his blemished forearm. You scowled at the skin. "Stupid."

"Stupid?" Grayson blurted with laughter. "Did you just call my skin stupid?"

You shrugged with a poorly-suppressed grin and said, "Well no, I meant the sun. Your skin's stupid too, though."

"The sun is stupid, as well as my skin?"

"Do I really need to explain everything I say?" you griped, shoving his hovering body out of the way. "Now, move. We need to get you inside before you turn to bacon," you insisted, dragging him by his wrist.

"Bacon? What do you mean, ba-"

"Christ, Grayson."

You laid in your top bunk, completely smushed in your twin-sized bed with Grayson. "Can't wait until we can get out of this dorm," you groaned, pressing your fist against the ceiling that was a hair shy of touching your nose. Grayson grunted in agreement. "Actually, I can't wait until we can get out this college. Like, I love it and all, but I have so many things I want to do."

Grayson turned his head to you and kissed your cheekbone, sending a flurry of butterflies to your stomach. "Like what?" he murmured, his lips moving against your cheek.

You grinned and said, "A lot of things. Like even just in the state of California."

"We could do those together," he prompted, squeezing your side where he held you.

"Could we?!" you gasped, flipping over to face him. He chuckled and nodded.

"Say the place and I'll take you there," he smirked, brushing a stray hair out of your eyes.

You couldn't be more in love with him.

"Alright..." you breathed, filing through your brain for all those little spots you were dying to see. "Well, there's Point Reyes, first of all. That's the number one stop. We are going their first, and not a single place before," you stated pointedly, jabbing his chest.

"Alright, noted," he chuckled, sliding both his arms around the small of your back.

"And then, we're gonna go to Glacier Point. They have the best star gazing I've been told, and I love me some stars," you nodded, completely blissful at the thought. "And then, we're going to Big Sur Coastline and going cliff diving. And then-"

You yapped for hours and hours about all your favorite destinations without ever picking out dates for these wondrous ideas, because you had all the time in the world with Grayson.

Anna shuffled into the library, balancing two coffees and two donuts atop her laptop. "You think they'd give me like a carrier or something," she sniffed haughtily, setting everything down gently.

"Cut 'em some slack, do you think everyone just bends at your will?" you laughed, hardly lifting your head from your textbook.

"I will eat your donut."

You snorted and fake gasped. "You wouldn't," you cried dramatically, earning you a glare from a neighboring student, and you just smiled at them. "Besides, you actually wouldn't. You'd complain about the extra carbs and blah, blah, blah," you smirked, grabbing your sprinkled donut and chomping down on it.

She curled her lip at you and rolled her eyes. "Whatcha working on?"

"Physics. I gotta redo my notes, they're all messy..." you frowned, combing through your stack of papers for that one equation.

"Fuck, can you help me with that? I have no idea-"

"I gotta help Grayson too..." you mumbled unapologetically.

"Oh, that's not fair. He's your boyfriend, he gets help from you all the time," she whined, grabbing your donut and taking a huge bite. "I'm not sorry for this, either."

"Well now you're definitely not getting my help," you grumbled, grabbing your stuff.

"Dude, don't leave because I took a bite of the donut I bought you," she scowled, rightfully irritated.

"Oh, I'm not," you snorted. "Grayson's just waiting in our room for me to tutor him. But thank you for the donut," you said, shoving the round into your mouth. "Means a lot," you spoke through a mouthful of pastry.

As you walked back to your dorm, you munched happily on your food and sipped your very sugary drink. You twisted the key in it's slot, propped open the door, and said, "Hey babe."

"I thought you'd never show up," Grayson groaned and shimmied out of the covers of your mattress, before angling himself and springing from the top rung of your ladder, and dropping to the floor.

A sickening crack sounded, immediately followed by the painful howls of Grayson, and it all happened so fast you nearly had whiplash. "What? Gray what happened?" you shouted, rushing to his aid, panic pooling in the pit of your throat, and you felt as if you couldn't breathe at the sounds of his cries.

"I think I broke my ankle," Grayson wheezed with wide eyes, still thrashing with agony.

"So you're saying you just jumped, maybe six feet high, and broke your ankle?" Dr. Schneit frowned, tapping a pen against his pursed lips.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying," Grayson grumbled, glaring at his boot.

"And... of course this is unusual," Schneit thought aloud, squinting at his chart. "You seemed to be in peak physical condition a few months ago."

Grayson blushed across the tops of his cheeks and said, "Well, I don't know about peak. I've been pretty tired lately, and headaches and stuff."

Dr. Schneit's brows sloped further. "Grayson, it says here you've lost twenty pounds since you came in September. Did you notice any weight loss?"

You could tell Grayson was clearly sheepish about speaking on this subject, so you quickly said, "Gray, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and get a coffee, I'll be right back," and deserted him with privacy.

You roamed the halls until you found the restroom and ducked in. As you shut the stall door, two nurses ushered in and began chatting, their conversation echoing throughout the tiled walls too loudly to be ignorable. "Lisa won't even take my shift tomorrow. She's all, 'I have a bachelorette party tomorrow night and I want to get a good night's rest' and whatever."

The other girl hummed in affirmation. "Totally typical of her. She never takes shifts but she's always asking for them off."

"Yeah, and like, I don't want to be here for the bone marrow test cause that shit chokes me up."

"No way, who's it for?"

"Some kid who broke his ankle. Literally just fell on it and it shattered."

"Shit, he's gonna have tons of blasts. That's really sad, dude."

"I know, I don't want to be there to take his stuff. I'll start crying."

Your heart was racing at a trillion miles an hour and you pushed out of the stall and into the hallway again, your blood coursing through your ears. You sped back to Grayson's exam room, a sick churning feeling in your stomach, and you pressed your ear against the door to listen.

"Does your family have any track record of cancer, Grayson?" Dr. Schneit asked.

Silence.

"Grayson?"

After a few beats, Gray said, "Yeah. Dad."

"Alright..." Schneit replied, shuffling through papers. More silence. "Do you know what type?"

More silence.

"Grayson, this kind of information is important."

Grayson cleared his throat, which was clearly thick with emotion, and said, "No. I was too young."

"And your mom never mentioned-"

"No."

More silence.

"Shows here that your twin, Ethan, is your emergency contact. Does that still stand?"

"Yeah. But you could add (Y/N) (Y/L/N) as my second emergency contact."

You shoved open the door then and smiled tightly at the two of them. You slid into your seat beside Grayson and immediately clasped his hand in yours, hoping it could calm the horrible shakes you had. Grayson lifted up his other arm and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable with your presence during his exam but you couldn't help it, you needed him right now, as selfish as that was.

"Grayson, what's that on your arm?" Dr. Schneit mumbled, wheeling his chair over your chairs. "How long have you had that?"

"This?" Grayson murmured, craning his arm in Dr. Schneit's path of vision. "Sun poisoning. I don't know, a few weeks."

Dr. Schneit shook his head and bit a wobbling lip. "W-we're going to have you, have you come back in tomorrow, maybe around 10ish? Whenever you're comfortable. Whenever it fits your schedule Grayson, take your time," he assured, patting Grayson's shoulder in an attempt for comfort.

Cancer.

You watched Grayson's face crumple, and you hoped yours wouldn't, because you had to be strong for him.

"Grayson, there are treatment options. You're in stage three, which means you have a chance. We could..."

Schneit droned on and on and you rocked Grayson's crunched body. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be real.

"Grayson, your ankle broke because you have acute myeloid leukemia, or AML for short. It's a blood and bone marrow cancer, so your bones were extremely weak and that little jump was enough for them to collapse under pressure. It's a very... very quick spreading cancer. The first sign was that 'sun poisoning' as you called it. It was actually petechiae, which is surfaced blood from eaten away blood vessels. The white blood cells in your body-"

Grayson's shoulders began to shake with sobs and you whimpered, falling on top of him and exhaling blubbery wheezes.

You were convinced you really had jinxed your life the day you told your mom your birthday wish, because life? Life was not good.

"First round of chemo today," Grayson mumbled, bouncing his leg at an alarming speed.

"Gonna be there for you the whole while, G," you promised, leaning forward and kissing him. He fisted a chunk of your hair, really pulling you in tight, and slotting your mouths together to distract him, and you welcomed it generously. You pulled back and kissed his cheeks and his nose, and mumbled, "It's gonna be okay. I've got you."

Grayson blew air out his cheeks and nodded, staring down at his feet, mumbling something incoherent.

"What was that?" you asked.

"I might lose my hair," he croaked, playing with a loose thread in his sweatpants.

"You're already too hot for your own good. You'll pull it off, I just know it," you grinned, running your fingers through his messy locks.

He looked up at you and smirked softly, leaning forward once more to peck your lips. "I love you."

You felt that rush of feeling, that indescribable feeling, and nodded. "You know I love you too. Is Ethan coming?"

Grayson's positivity seeped out of him and he shook his head, glaring at the wall. "No, said he couldn't miss his lecture. Promised he'd be here for the next one, though."

You nodded, your blood boiling beneath the surface. If you could ditch your bio lab, Ethan could miss a lecture. "Well, that's okay, cause I'll be supportive enough for the two of us."

Dr. Schneit rapped his knuckles against the door and creaked it open. "Good morning Grayson, are you ready?"

Grayson squeezed your hand so viciously you thought it might break, but you just kissed his cheek. "I'll be here." And with that, he left the room with a nurse, thanking Dr. Schneit on his way out.

You hung your head between your hands, utterly heartbroken at the sight of your boyfriend walking out the door towards cancer treatment.

"He thanked me. He thanked on his way to get chemo, which I prescribed. He thanked me for putting him through hell," Dr. Schneit said with an emotionless gaze.

You nodded your head. "That's just the kind of person Gray is."

Grayson intertwined your fingers together, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles. "Hey, baby?"

You glanced up from your book and turned to him in your shared cot. "Hmm."

He was biting his lip nervously and squeezing your hand subconsciously, so you folded your novel shut. "Could you- Could you maybe wash my hair?" he asked. "Hurts to lift my arms."

You grinned at him and nodded. "Of course, babe. Wanna do it right now?" you asked.

He nodded sheepishly, and you pulled him off the stiff hospital bed and into the suite bathroom. "I haven't been able to wash it in forever--it's probably so gross," he groaned.

You laughed and shrugged. "I mean, I'm washing it, it's not like I can't wash my hands as I do it."

"Well I'm thankful," he gushed sarcastically, palming his heart. You shoved his shoulder, twisted the tap, and waited for him to get comfy. When he dunked his head beneath the water, you lathered your hands with cheap hospital soap and said, "We need to get you some better shampoo. This stuff is so gross."

He snorted and said, "Yeah, how about you just bring me your $20 shampoo-"

"Not even in your dreams. Not everyone gets to have luscious locks like mine," you drawled snobbishly, grinning.

He rolled his eyes and grinned with dimples. "I think I deserve it," he prodded, squeezing your calf where it draped over the tub.

"Keyword: think. Sorry champ," you smirked, digging your hands into his mane. You scrubbed at the gunk with gentle hands, sudsing up every strand.

"Then I could smell like you all day," he giggled happily, his eyes drifting shut under your touch.

You tangled your fingers all through his hair and then pushed his head beneath the faucet again. "Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to smell your cologne, and that's one of those girlfriend perks that I'm not ready to give up."

Gray might have responded, but you were too shocked to soak up what he was saying. His hair was flowing from his head as the water ran through it. Clean off. Not all of it, but a lot of it, and it was disappearing down the drain.

"(Y/N)?" Grayson asked, flicking your leg. "What's wrong?"

Should you tell him? "Uh," you stalled, glancing down at your fingers that were littered with his hair. "Nothing's wrong. Your hair's just falling out, that's all," you tried to sound casual, as if this was inevitable and common and not heartbreaking.

Grayson froze and scrambled out of his position and to the mirror, gawking at himself. It wasn't super bad, but it was noticeable--he'd probably have to buzz his hair.

"I'm going to be bald," he breathed, staring back at you with saucers for eyes. He pulled at the strands that flattened to his forehead and whimpered as they stuck to his fingers.

You bit your lip and nodded. "Yeah. Want me to shave it?" you asked quickly.

Grayson cocked his head and stared at you with an unreadable expression. "Really?"

Heat flooded your cheeks and you feared you overstepped your boundaries. "Just thought it'd be easier-"

"You don't care that I won't have hair?" he mumbled.

And if that wasn't the most ridiculous thing you'd ever heard.

You shook your head and laughed out loud, covering your mouth. "Gray, what?"

"I'm going to be ugly."

And then you were really laughing, with wheezes and an incurable case of the giggles. "Grayson, you couldn't be ugly if you fucking tried," you gasped. "Enough of this bullshit, I'm gonna go ask the nurse for a razor," you snorted, rolling your eyes and turning the tap off. You strutted past Grayson only to have him pull you back and kiss you with enough unspoken emotion to trap you there for five (or twenty) more minutes.

"Ethan, you just need to come visit him," you whispered furiously into your phone. "It's not that hard!" You stood outside Grayson's hospital room, pacing back and forth and back and forth, completely irate. After a minute of white-noise, you threatened, "Ethan," through clenched teeth.

He sighed loudly into the receiver and said, "You don't get to decide what's hard and not hard."

Your vision blurred with rage and you nearly chucked your phone against the wall. "Then who gets to decide? Because you fucking love to take the easy way out. I don't get you, Ethan, I really don't. He's your twin, you've been best friends for life, and then he gets cancer--a time when he needs you most--and you fucking ditch him. How cruel are you?" you spat.

"You don't get it." And you didn't. "You know how fucking hard it is to watch him die? To see him fall apart right in front of me? I can't handle it, (Y/N). I don't want to be awful, but I don't want to be heartbroken, either. This is killing me," he growled, as if you'd stepped out of line by asking him to see his goddamned brother.

You barked a cold laugh. "Yeah, okay Ethan, this is too hard for you. Imagine losing your soulmate. You know what? Fuck this, you're the one that's going to regret disappearing when Grayson needed support the most. I don't know why I even bother when you're fucking heartless," you snarled, hanging up the phone.

Quite possibly the hardest part was watching Grayson fall apart at the seams.

And yeah, we'll get to the worst part, but you never imagined how torturous the secondhand pain would feel. Never in a trillion years would you suspect he wouldn't just be your other half, he'd take up camp in your aching nerves and desperate lungs and quaking legs as you watched Grayson weaken, and weaken, and weaken.

You rushed to the bathroom, trailing at his heels as he pitched himself to the hospital bathroom floor, scrambling to the toilet. He ducked his head into the bowl, emptying his stomach with guttural groans and chokes and breathy sighs. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," he managed between heaves. You slid down to the floor and pressed a hand to his back, only to have him flinch and jerk away with his last ounce of energy, and that stung. He hung he head in the toilet long after he finished, absolutely drained of energy.

"G?" you whispered after ten minutes, tentatively poking his arm.

He rolled his head onto his arm, far enough away for you to flush away the mess. "Hot," he rasped.

And you think you understood. His cheeks were flushed and beads of sweat trickled down his temple and he was pressing against the cold tile like it could cure him. You wished it could.

"Want ice?" you asked, already leaping from your spot. You scurried over to his cot, fetching his water and an ice pack from the mini fridge. You rushed back to the bathroom, finding him pale as you'd ever seen him in a heap on the floor. You towered over him, and that was new, and that was just sad. Sad to think you were taller than the man that used to put you on his shoulders--well, you and the world. He glanced up at you through glassy eyes, his mouth parted and his lips chapped. "Water?" you offered, crumbling to the floor next to him so you could feel a little stabler.

It seemed like blinking might be too much for him. Or breathing. Or living.

So, all he could muster was the shortest of nods, and you reached out to hand him his glass, which was fucking stupid of you to offer it to him, because he stuck out a wobbly arm and a limp wrist and grabbed a glass that weighed more than all his sorrows and you two watched it slip through his fingers, to the ground, water splashing everywhere.

Grayson started crying. But, not in the way where he was thrashing and crying and frustrated--like he did when he could be considered human and not a shell--but quietly, distantly. Tears dribbled down his cheeks as if his eyes were raining, as if this was just his body's reaction to all the pain and he wouldn't have cried if given the option. Seemed like Grayson didn't get a lot of options these days.

You bit back your own sadness, choked down all the emotion you could, because Grayson didn't need that. He needed support and love and patience and it seemed like all you did was ache and pity a man who was stronger than you'd ever be. So, with fumbling movements, you grabbed the rub near the sink and soaked up the mess you'd made and sat the glass upright. And then you turned to fetch him some more when you heard him swallow.

Swallowing. That's what Grayson had resulted to for communication. Swallowing.

You twisted and found him shaking his head. He tapped his finger twice against the tile, and so you sat beside him again, ready to force the sun out of the sky if he so asked. "You're still burning up, G," you mumbled with droopy eyes.

He nodded. Kind of.

And then he placed his fingertip over yours, and then you sat on that hospital bathroom floor until your legs were as numb as Grayson.

"Ms. (Y/L/N)?" Dr. Schneit spoke softly, cracking the door open only enough to fit his nose through.

You nodded and slipped your hand from Grayson's slack one, leaving him to sleep silently in the comfort of his cot. You ducked into the hallway, wincing under the glare of the yellow lights. Dr. Schneit was holding his clipboard so tightly you thought it might snap in his shaking hands. His knuckles were white and his jaw was clenched, and it was one of those things you just know.

"How much longer?" you think you asked. You couldn't hear, really.

His nose flared with emotion and you stared back at him, sure you'd pass out from the pain. It'd be nice if you did.

"Not much," he said, voice strained in that professional way that Doctors' voices strain when they tell someone that their loved one's going to die. Oh, how you'd wished it would have cracked--for proof that you weren't the only one falling apart, that Grayson was so much more than a patient or even a person, that Grayson was Grayson and there'd never be another like him. "The cancer cells have just spread to the central nervous system and it's only a matter of time before they reach the brain. Maybe a few weeks."

Oh. Not much at all.

"Feels like I'm dying too," you mumbled. "Kind of wish I was. And I know I shouldn't say that to a doctor who would prescribe me a therapist, but you probably know how to deal with telling people their soulmates are gonna die and all, so. Figured I'd rather tell you than my mom. Or Anna. Or Ethan," you shrugged a shoulder, too desensitized to bother with anything but the truth.

"It never gets easier," Dr. Schneit confessed.

"Really?"

"No. All the good ones get cancer. And all the best ones get leukemia. And people like Grayson, people like Grayson get an incurable case of Acute Myeloid Leukemia. And it never gets easier, and it never makes sense," he said with a wavering voice. And then he was throwing his clipboard on the ground with a deafening smack, and sliding down the wall with rainclouds for eyes.

You fell down beside him and breathed deeply, swallowing down the sob that echoed in your throat.

"People like me don't deserve people like Grayson," you cried, burrowing your head in your arms.

Dr. Schneit grabbed your shoulder and squeezed it and said, "People like Grayson deserve people like you."

You sat in your 11 AM, rigid in your seat with a foot bobbing at a thousand miles an hour. Your stomach was churning with anxiety, and you could hardly hear anything but Dr. Schneit's voice concluding that yes, Grayson was dying.

"It has been remarked by at least one of my colleagues that one reason we have such a hard time teaching Newtonian physics to college students is that we have to first unteach them their already prevailing “natural” worldview of physics, which dates all the way back to Aristotle-"

Your mind was moving at the speed of light. Grayson would have hated this, you thought, your mind racing back to the time you tutored each other and he hopped from your top bunk and broke his ankle and went to the doctors and got diagnosed and-

"Newton’s discoveries were a core component of the Enlightment, a period of a few hundred years in which Europe went from a state of almost slavish, church-endorsed belief in the infallibility-"

You chewed on your lip so viciously you thought you might bite right through it.

"Hey, could you stop tapping your foot? You're shaking my table," the boy next to you asked somewhere between kindly and irritably. You didn't have the time or the patience to figure it out.

"Again, interested students are encouraged to look up Karl Popper’s “Falsifiability” and the older Postivism. A hypothesis must successfully withstand the test of repeated, reproducible experiments that both seek to disprove and-"

"Dude, seriously, I'm trying to focus here," the guy snapped.

Your eyes darted to the door again, and you said, "I can't do this," and shot out of your spot, books already tucked in your arms. You marched with a mission towards the door, uncaring of your disturbance or the silence that settled over the class as they watched you walk away.

"Um, Ms. (Y/L/N), please-"

"My boyfriend is dying!" you shrieked, your chest heaving as you spun to look your professor dead in the eye. "My boyfriend is dying from acute myeloid leukemia, and I don't give a single fuck about whatever Newton did! He's already dead, I have someone else I have to worry about!"

And then you shoved the door open and sprinted down the hallway with tears streaming down your face.

"Where're we going?" Grayson asked, twisting his head to look up at you. You rolled him down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, jouncing over cracks and pivoting into the parking lot.

You pulled his beanie over his ears despite the warm spring temperature. "Somewhere--gotta get you out of that gloomy ass hospital," you smirked, digging your lanyard out of your purse and unlocking the car. Grayson folded his hands together in his lap, hunched over. "You cold? Didn't think it was too bad out, but I can grab your jacket if-"

Grayson groaned irritably and cut you off. "(Y/N). Stop babying me because I have cancer. I'm fine."

For the first time in forever, it felt, you laughed outright and hugged the back of his neck, kissing his cheek around the bend. Independent Gray was something you'd missed--he truly needed help with just about everything these days, and he used to be so picky about assistance. "Oh, shut the fuck up, I'm not babying you because you have cancer, dumbass, I'm babying you because you're my boyfriend and I love you," you smirked, opening his passenger door.

Grayson smiled sheepishly and avoided your watching eyes, so you walked in front of him and pulled his lips to yours. He smiled freely when he kissed you, slipping a cold hand into your hair and his tongue into your mouth. It'd been so long since you felt life in him. You held onto the sides of his wheelchair, ducking low so he could feel bigger so he could tower over you like he once did, and Grayson pulled apart chuckling. "You are 100% babying me because I have cancer now," he laughed, tucking the bulk of your hair behind your ear and off your shoulder.

You grinned and kissed his cheek. "Why're you all in my business? I will baby you if I so please, Grayson Dolan. Now get in the car, we're going on a trip."

He huffed and rolled his eyes playfully before clenching his jaw with focus. He took his time standing, working his sore, sore legs straight. You forced yourself to ignore his winces and whimpers, because he was still human after all, and he deserved to have his dignity during his struggles. You'd let him do the things he could on his own; you knew he wanted to.

Once he stood completely, he loomed over you arrogantly, pushing your back against the fender of your car, splaying a possessive hand across your stomach and kissing you deeply. You yelped with surprise and he just swallowed it down, kissing you feverishly, like he didn't have a spare second. He doesn't, you reminded yourself. So, you wrapped loose arms around his neck and pressed your body flush against his, and made out with Grayson against the hood of your car like the teenager you were.

Grayson pulled away, breath wheezing in and out of his lips. "Too much?" you asked, flattening a palm against his chest. He nodded with a furious blush and dodged your stare. "All good. I'm gonna go put this in the back," you said, jutting your thumb to the wheelchair. "But get in the car! Jesus Gray, how many times do I have to ask?" you whined dramatically.

"I'm going, I'm going," he laughed, climbing into the ajar door.

After loading the wheelchair into your trunk, you hopped in, eager to get there.

"Where're we going?" Grayson asked again, sifting through his phone for music to play.

"Somewhere as pretty as you," you smirked, pulling out of the hospital parking lot.

He snorted and shook his head, nibbling on his thumbnail. "Can't believe we're going to a literal art museum," he laughed, shaking his head comically.

You pushed his shoulder and giggled. "How far do you wanna go?"

"That's what she s-"

"Grayson," you chuckled.

He smirked. "Well, do I have to be back at the hospital tonight?"

You pursed your lips in thought and shrugged. "Don't think so. I mean, I could call them but like, it's your life, I don't think Schneit's gonna follow us and force you to come back, you know?" you said, mentally reviewing the pros and cons of pissing off the hospital staff.

Grayson smiled at you and leaned over and kissed your cheek. "Thank you, for doing this. Alright, let's go on an adventure," he cheered, reclining his chair and propping his hands beneath his head. You fixed him with a judgmental stare, shaking your head. Grayson returned you with a smug smile. "What? I'm too sick to drive so I'm gonna use my cancer perks and take a good ole nap for the whole ride-"

"Oh, fuck off," you grumbled, much to his amusement.

Point Reyes was as peaceful as you'd imagined. Just as Grayson had promised, he slept the whole ride, and you understood. You shook him awake and assisted him into his wheelchair as much as he'd let you, and then pushed him through the famous breathtaking arc of trees, as blissful as you'd been in a long time. "We can check it off the bucket list," you said, overwhelmed by all the beauty. Grayson didn't respond.

You had wheeled Gray down the soggy forest trails before landing on the cliff overlooking the Pacific. He was propped up beside you, crisscrossed and snuggled in his hoodie--one that used to fit him, but now engulfed his scrawnier body. He plucked dandelions off the ground and tossed them every which way: off the cliff into the jagged rocks below, behind him without a care, into your lap--and pretty forcefully too.

You kept quiet until he wanted to talk. And then he said, "I'm kind of like a dandelion."

The wind blew at liberty, calm but using its freedom to billow on the coast where the only skyscrapers were peaks of rock. You wrapped your arms around yourself and bit your lip, mulling over the words Grayson had said so bitterly. "What do you mean?"

Grayson's lip curled and he looked off distantly. "Weed. I'm a weed," he said, and you would have laughed any other time at his ridiculousness, but he looked a little heartbroken. "A weed in all this grass. Or maybe, no, maybe I'm the grass, and the dandelions are the cancer cells, and they just keep spreading and spreading and it doesn't matter how many of them chemotherapy tears out of the ground, it's too late, and I'm just dying," he scoffed, throwing another dandelion into the bay.

You knew he had more in him, so you sat tight and waited. "At this point, I'm just a dandelion, actually. I'm 100% cancer. 100% poison," he laughed dryly. "And I don't want to be bitter in my last few days, okay? I don't. It's just, it's just that I'm so fucking tired. And I don't have any hair. And I'm cold. And I have so many reasons to be bitter, you know?"

You nodded solemnly, letting the breeze blow cool air against the gaping wounds in your heart. Grayson plucked a few more weeds and tossed them your way, so you grabbed them and started wielding them together. "And honestly," he continued. "I wanna be like a... fuck, I don't know, a daisy. Or fucking- fucking baby's breath, I don't know! Something that spreads like wildfire but is still good. Something people want around them, something pretty. Something not cancerous, obviously," he huffed. You nodded along as you tangled the dandelions in on one another, braiding them together.

After a few beats, you said, "I know you're frustrated, and I know I might not mean much, but you're the whole damn bouquet to me." You outstretched a hand and, without any permission, snatched his beanie off. Grayson sucked in a harsh breath; he never took off his hat.

"(Y/N), don't-"

You shook your head. "I don't care how insecure you are without hair. You're breathtaking to me Grayson." You grabbed the crown you'd constructed and plopped it on his head, twisting it around his ears and smiling to yourself. Beautiful. "There. And also, I get what you're saying, but fuck your idea of yourself. That's the stupidest bullshit I've ever heard. I am in love with the strongest man in the world. You've got the weight of the world on your shoulders and you take it a day at a time. Do you know how hard it is for me? How hard it is to watch you go through all this, and then hate yourself for it?" you asked, hoping emotion didn't creep into your voice.

"I know you need someone to tell this stuff to, I know you're going through it all, I know you're dying Gray, but part of me is dying too. I want to burn off these words," you said, voice starting to waver. "and-and live life with you. I'm bitter too, Grayson. I'm bitter that everyone else gets a soulmate for life, that some people never have to go through this, that I have to go through this, that you have to go through this. And then I thought about the fact that there is a little girl named Brooke who will never fucking get to meet her soulmate, and at least I got you, however short of time. And more than that, I'm convinced you gave me enough happiness for a lifetime--that people will never feel the same amount of love in their entire life as I got while you were here. So, maybe it's unfair for us, but it's also unfair for everyone else to see how fucking incredible we are."

The waves crashed ashore far below you two, and the meadow of dandelions bent to the will of the wind. It was warm, but not warm enough for Grayson, and yet he sat there with you on the edge of the Pacific without a single complaint of the weather. You fell back on your elbows and stared at Grayson, feeling hopeless and hopelessly in love with him, trying to come terms with all this, even if it was a lost cause. You meant every word.

Grayson's hand crept up to the wreath on his head and grinned warmly. With absolute certainty, Grayson said, "You still love me even if I'm a dandelion."

You smiled at him, kissed his lips, and cupped his face. "I love you like the daisy you are."

You sat in a coffee shop with Anna, stirring your black coffee with a complimentary wood stick, distinguishing vague patterns in the swirls it created. You knew you were boring Anna, or making her uncomfortable with your silence, but what was there to say?

She drummed her fingers against the wood table and chewed on her lip, clearly scrambling for conversation. "Uh, how's Grayson doing?" she asked tentatively. "I mean, I know he's... you know..."

"Dying?"

Her eyes softened and she hunched in on herself with guilt. "Yeah, that."

You huffed a laugh and dragged your stick through the sea of brown in your cup, hardly entertained by the waves it created. "Yeah, he's okay. I think he wants to die, a little bit, so that's kind of fucked." You pursed your lips and shook your head, your gut wrenching.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

You returned to glaring at your drink, too tired to put any real effort into speaking to your best friend.

"You look pretty tired," Anna noticed, frowning sympathetically. "You could come back to the dorm for a night, get some real sleep," she persuaded.

You wanted to, but if Grayson died while you were gone, you'd never forgive yourself. "I'll be back when Grayson's gone, promise."

You didn't want to be this cynical, but you couldn't hold these thoughts in any longer. You felt so much fatigue, and yet, it felt like there was something inside you pounding its fists against your bones, begging, 'let me out!'. You sucked in your lip and bit down on it hard enough for it to really hurt, but it felt a little good to feel something.

"Um, so how'd your religious studies test go?" she prodded, hoping to coax you out of your daze.

"Didn't take it. Was at the hospital," you shrugged, marveling at the bubbles that speckled in your cup.

"Didn't take it? Dude, did you email your professor?" she chastised, eyeing you quizzically.

You fell back in your seat and shook your head. 'Life is better with a cup of joe' read one of the cliche signs that dangled on the walls of the cafe. You looked at your mug and frowned.

"(Y/N), you can't... you can't just throw away college for this, throw away your life. I know you're sad, but-"

Something inside you snapped, right in half, and you began crying. "Throw away my life? Anna, my life is fucking laying in a hospital bed searching for a bone marrow transplant! My fucking life is dying, he's got no hope and neither do I. He's sleeping in an uncomfortable cot waiting for me to come back, because his own fucking brother won't even visit him! I'm literally all he has, and sometimes it feels like he's literally all I have! Jesus Christ, do you think I wanted this?" you cried, uncaring of who listened in on your very public outburst.

"Of course I don't think you wanted this! (Y/N), I know you love Grayson and I know you're going to be heartbroken and I know I could never understand, but you are paying thousands of dollars in tuition to fail out!" she hissed, slapping her palm against the table.

"Grayson is paying thousands of dollars to die!" You wailed. "Oh my god, Grayson is going to die."

And just like that, it really hit you. That you'd have a lifetime to pay off student loans, and Grayson was going to die.

You started crying, really crying, in the center of that coffee shop, and Anna came over and hugged you tight, and you sat in a coffee shop and weeped on Anna's shoulder for a second time.

You pressed the phone against your ear with your shoulder as you held Gray's hand in both of yours.

Ethan picked up after a few rings. "H-"

"Come see Grayson today. I'm not asking."

And then you hung up.

Grayson's legs were tangled with yours under the thin hospital sheet, and you cradled his head between your hands. "I'm thinking of an animal."

Grayson chuckled and kissed your temple. "Does it have spots?" he asked.

You groaned and shimmied away from him. "I'm not sure. Let me look it up," you huffed.

"That was only the first question," Grayson snorted.

"I'm aware."

"I can literally see you looking up 'poison dart frog.'"

"No you can't," you grumbled. "Alright. I'm thinking of an animal-"

"Is it an amphibian?"

"Maybe-"

Three knocks resounded through the room and then the door creaked open hesitantly. Grayson shuffled into a sitting position and peered his head around the curtain, but you already knew it was Ethan.

"Hey," Ethan mumbled tentatively, waving a lame hand before stuffing his fists in his pockets when he reached the foot of the bed.

It only took Gray a single second--which was truly a feat for him in this stage--to scurry out of the bed and launch himself onto Ethan, hugging him harder than you thought his muscles could allow. Ethan dug his hands out from his jeans and squeezed Grayson back with a lot of pent-up regrets.

You did your best to suppress your disgust for Ethan and simply offered him a raised brow in greeting. He licked his lips and nodded, noting your hostility, and smoothed a hand over Grayson's back. It sent a pang through you when you found Grayson was smaller than Ethan. Grayson held on for a few minutes, and Ethan held him back.

"What are you doing here?" Grayson blubbered as he pulled away, wiping away his tears frantically.

Ethan shuffled from foot to foot. "Got two tickets with our names on them to the Kings game tonight--if you wanna go. We don't have-"

"Yes! Yes, let's go, please," Grayson begged, grabbing Ethan's forearm desperately. "(Y/N), can I go?" he asked, gawking at you with pleading eyes.

"Did you just ask me for permission?" you snorted.

"Yes or no!" he cried, his arms flailing.

"Yes, but be back by 9:30," you smirked.

"9:30? (Y/N), it's already four, I can't-"

"Oh my god, I'm kidding, go!"

- +

You sat up in the hospital bed, reading your book and reminiscing about the old feel of the bed in your dorm and the life that came with it.

The door creaked open, and Grayson was rolled in by a nurse. You offered him a sympathetic grin; he looked absolutely beat. "How was it?" you asked, patting the spot beside you.

Grayson just gave you a lazy, sleepy grin.

You bid the nurse a goodnight and hopped out of bed to help him in it. As you swept his blankets over him, you snuggled into his side.

"Did LA win?" you asked, your finger dragging a stripe down the bridge of his nose.

"No, but that's okay," Grayson shrugged.

"Good to see Ethan?" you whispered.

Grayson's throat bobbed and he nodded, tears beginning to stream from the corners of his eyes. "Yeah," he croaked. Silent sobs racked his body as he turned into you, cowering in the warmth of your body. "Miss him so much," he bawled, an agonizing weep echoing through the room, and you knew then, as you held Grayson through his meltdown, that you couldn't forgive Ethan for abandoning Grayson, not now, not ever.

It's one of those things you just know.

So, when you stood in front of your closet, simply looking for a change of clothes after all those days spent in the same ones, and the hospital's phone number blinked on your screen, you sprinted down the flights of stairs by your dorm room, into your car, and floored 60 in a 30 with your emergency lights on.

You don't even know if you really threw your car in park because your tears were blurring your vision so much. Five more minutes, give me five more minutes Gray, you prayed. Wishing for forever just wasn't an option anymore.

You skidded into the clinic, your shoes slapping the linoleum as you raced into an elevator and back out again when you realized you didn't have the time to wait for it to go up a floor. You took the stairs two at a time and ran like wind blew.

Only briefly did you note the woman sitting in the hallway, crying as she stared at her wrist. She was wailing and trashing in pain, and you knew it was only a matter of minutes before that was you. But you didn't have time to think about her. Grayson didn't have time.

You burst through his door, your nerves buzzing horrifically.

"Hey," Grayson wheezed from his bed, so quietly you had to read his lips.

You rushed to his bedside, unaware you were already falling apart. You clamped your jaw so tightly it might crack and hot tears burned the tops of your cheeks. "Grayson, fuck- I can't, I can't fucking do this, I can't watch you leave," you yelled through clenched teeth. "Grayson, Grayson," you cried, so frustrated you couldn't even think. Fuck everything you told him at Point Reyes, you were selfish and you couldn't do this, you wanted a refund, you wanted anything else, you wanted to die, you wanted to never exist.

"(Y/N), look at me," Grayson whispered, squeezing your hand so limply you screamed. You wanted more time. He turned your arm ever so slightly, and smiled at the words. "We need to do this. I need to say this," he said, tapping his finger against your wrist.

You shook your head with a pained face and wheezed, "Grayson I can't, I can't."

"You have to. You're going to." He was so tired, you could see it. It took everything in you to look into those brown eyes, the ones that were losing life by the second. "I love you. I love you more than anything in this world," he whispered.

"Grayson, I can't," you insisted, burying your face into his knuckles. It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad.

He ran his hand down your cheek and whispered, "Let me let go, please."

And then you were nodding despite your anger, your hatred for life, because you loved Grayson. Because he was dying, and he wanted to die, and that was something you would have to accept later and help him through now.

"I'm lucky I got to spend the rest of my life with you. It was nice to meet you." Grayson rasped, his head lolling against the pillow, and you could practically see the life drain from him, and you couldn't find the stopper.

And you could have never prepared yourself for the pain that surged through your body at those words.

"Yeah," you nodded, your voice hardly distinguishable. "You too, G."

And though it should have been so very expected, you felt his hand uncurl from yours, and his pulse fade as your pressed your lips to the words on his wrist, and that hurt, to put it simply. And then he was asleep, somewhere much farther away than arm's reach, and you pressed your head to his hand and stayed there until it turned cold.

And then, you walked out of his room and sat next to the woman pressed against the wall down the hall and held her hand instead.

They took his beanie off for the funeral. You knew he would've hated it.

All you could think was 'Sure are a lot of people here that never bothered to visit him in the hospital.' But it was a tough pill to swallow that some people just took Grayson for granted, and that you were probably guilty of it too.

Ethan sat beside you and held your hand so tight you lost feeling. You nearly shook him off when he reached for you, your hatred for him still boiling too close to the surface, but his hands felt so much like Grayson's.

And funerals were for closure, you always thought.

And when you looked back on your Grandfather's funeral when you were twelve, you nearly threw up. Your Grandma was content with her loss, and promised that the words would be bittersweet when you heard them.

Those words were nothing but dreadful.

And the remainder of your night was spent sobbing, thinking that Grayson was six feet below you with a plethora of bouquets and a dandelion resting on his casket.

"Hey," you mumbled, trudging up the hill Gray's tombstone. "You'll never believe this, but Anna got engaged to my brother. Guess they stopped dancing around each other and finally started dating. It's only been like, six months, but I guess when you know, you know, you know?" you laughed, plopping down on the grass. "We would have gotten married. I thought about it all the time. Think we would have done a winter wedding, so all our family could vacation in Cali for a week. Maroon and gold for colors. E could have been your best man," you murmured, trying to keep your emotion at bay.

"Tried to go on a date. Wasn't worth it. Free dinner, though," you laughed. "Um, I went to Point Reyes the other day, by myself. That little field isn't filled with dandelions anymore. Think that's kind of symbolic though," you snorted, tears slipping from your eyes.

You sat with him and updated him on all the little things and all the big things that had happened in the past few days. You made it a habit to come around a few times a week and keep him company, because he always loved to be around people. Must get lonely up there.

"Hurts to come around sometimes. I know you're listening, but you're not talking, and that just... just hurts, G. God, I miss you," you breathed, pressing your palm to the cold marble of his tombstone.

"But I'm still gonna come, you know? Cause that's what people do for the people they love. Even if it hurts. But Gray, it hurts so bad," you whimpered, thinking of Ethan without malice for the first time in a long while.

And maybe you understood a little.

"How do I look?" Anna fussed, her hands fluttering around undecidedly. She stood in her dressing room, sheathed in white, with fidgety feet and a restless mind. "Fuck, he's gonna think I'm stupid for wearing all this makeup-"

You snorted and jerked her into a bone-crushing hug. "Anna. It's your wedding day. I don't think he thinks you're stupid for anything. Well, except when you got that neon green stripe in your hair in sixth grade. That, he definitely thought was stupid," you chuckled, feeling her slump against you. "You're beautiful," you whispered with complete sincerity.

She squeezed you tighter and nodded. "I know."

You broke into a fit of laughter and swirled a piece of her hair about your finger. "You already knew that, you literally were just fishing for compliments."

"Yeah, pretty much. Holy fuck, I can't wait to marry him," she grinned cheerily, biting her lip.

"Anna, I literally could not be happier for you. Literally," you smiled, pinching her cheek. "Even if it's my brother. Which is disgusting. You could do better."

She smacked your arm and snorted. "Like who?"

"The world's second greatest man," you smirked. "Sadly, I already got the first one, so you're gonna have to suck it up and take whoever's in second place."

"I'm pretty sure your brother's the second place-"

You barked out genuine laughter. "Ha! Yeah fuckin' right. I personally think it could be Harry Styles," you quipped, tossing your styled hair off your shoulder dramatically.

Then Anna cocked her head and gave you the warmest of smiles and said, "(Y/N), I'm so happy you're back. Grayson would love to see you again like this."

Your heart fluttered and ached all at once at the mention of him. Whether they were happy or sad, tears surfaced in your eyes and you giggled and said, "Yeah, he's watching over me all the time. Which is nice, cause I'm a firm believer he still laughs at all my horrible jokes that you never think are funny."

Anna hugged you tight, so tight, and you hugged her hard back.

"Enough of this mushy shit, I have a wedding to be a maid of honor to, and you have a wedding to put on!" you shrieked, dragging her by her wrist to the french doors. "One last thing..." you muttered, leaning in close.

"What?" Anna mumbled, chewing on her lip anxiously.

"I left the back door of the church open, so when you realize my brother's a fucking idiot and flee, it's ready-"

"(Y/N)!"

New Jersey was just as cold as Gray always described it.

You slipped your hands beneath your sweater sleeves and balled your fists in the fabric, breathing hot air into your hands in an effort to warm them. You rung the doorbell once more and tapped your foot anxiously.

Muffled voices sounded from the other side--the warm side--and you waited. The door unlatched and then swung open, revealing Ethan in very festive attire. "(Y/N)?" he gasped, his eyes widening. He looked so much like him still. You smiled, and before you knew it, Ethan was tugging you into him.

You didn't want to hug him back.

Well, yeah, you did. So you did.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, squeezing you too tightly and it felt just like Grayson.

"Um," you said, tucking your hair behind your ears after he let you go. "Wanted to spend my Christmas with some family."

Ethan searched your eyes as his watered and nodded slowly. "Well, you know you're always welcome. We have drumsticks," he cheered, guiding you into the kitchen.

"You know those are my favorite," you gushed, grabbing a plate and loading it immediately.

"Gray’s too,” he smiled sadly. “My wife's upstairs, but I'll be sure to introduce you. She's heard a lot about you," he said, scratching the back of his neck.

You nodded and turned to face him, tension still resting between you two in a very obvious way. "I-"

"I regret it every day (Y/N). I was young and stupid and so hurt and I'll never forgive myself for it. He was my twin. My best friend," he whispered, turning away from you. "Do you know how awful I was? Of course you do. You were there every step of the way and I wasn't there for one. You know I got the call? I was his emergency contact. And I cried in my room, and didn't show up because I couldn't move," Ethan gasped, balling his fists at his side. "I lost him too, you know. It might not have seemed like it, but I lost him. Eighteen years of being inseparable, and I deserted him. I can't even- I will never forgive myself, (Y/N). I regret it more than I can even explain."

You heaved a deep sigh, and all those years of hating Ethan dissipated away. "I know you do," you accepted. "If you can't forgive yourself, I will."

"What was saying goodbye like?" Ethan breathed, his voice trembling terribly.

You leaned against the counter and bit your lip, swallowing down any emotion that threatened the surface. "Well, it was awful. Hardest thing I'll ever go through. But, he was sweet, and he was ready. "What did he say? Before he went?" Ethan garbled, tears streaming down his face. You grinned one of those grins that took years and years of healing to even form, and flashed him your wrist. And then Ethan was crumbling.

You stood in front of Ethan, and then you reached out and wrapped your arms around him, hoping that your tight grip would piece him back together, and if it didn't, you were going to be there to help search for the missing bits, because Ethan was family. And with that, you joined Ethan and his relatives in their living room, exchanging hugs with people you had never met and sharing stories you had nearly forgotten about the boys, and it gave you a feeling, an indescribable feeling, that you had really, really missed.

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arcticmaggie · 6 years

Text

Movie Night

Y/N (not so) secretly hates scary movies and Harry (not so) secretly loves Y/N.

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: None

Author’s Note: okay so this is a cute angsty but also fluffy one shot!! idk i was debating whether or not to post this one but whatever might as well make other ppl clench their heart over soft Harry. ALSO he’s like an american in this oof like i didn’t know how school works over in the uk so like aha america wooh. okay enjoy! pls feedback is amazing! IF THERE’S ERRORS I’M SORRY

“It’s my turn to pick! You made me suffer through Dear John last week.”

“How dare you disrespect Amanda Seyfried like that.”

It's a Friday night and Y/N finds herself back at Harry’s flat with a half empty pizza box on her lap and a grumpy expression on her face. Harry loves to tease her about her fondness over cheesy dramatic romances that carry elements that she will never come across in her own love life. She hates it. Especially because whenever they watch these movies, he never actually pays attention to it, choosing to play with her hair or hands instead. Which she actually wouldn't mind if it weren't for the fact that it was so distracting that she misses about half of the movie as well.

So she's grumpy and upset that Harry is sat beside her chewing on a pizza slice while searching through Netflix with disregard to how mean he was being (not really, she's just dramatic) as he keeps his free hand at her thigh, rubbing it softly and absentmindedly.

“It's not like my turn counted. You didn't even watch the movie,” she quips in, a frown still sketched on her face as she sees him completely skip over the romantic comedy genre.

He replies with a full mouth, “then consider us even. Since you’ll be too scared to pay attention to this either.”

Her frown of upset turns into a frown of confusion as she wonders what he means. But she sees him click down once more and begins to scroll through the horror genre, ominous thumbnails flashing up, making her heart begin to thump a bit heavier than usual.

She hates scary movies. She hates being scared in general. Harry knows it as well because she's found herself, more often than not, calling him in the middle of the night to comfort her because there was a noise in the kitchen and she could have sworn she saw a shadow pass by her closed bedroom door.

She whips her head towards him and sees the slyest smirk settled on his lips and she wants to smack it right off. She won't let him win this round. She needs to show her dominance in this friendship (who is she kidding, she'll do and listen to anything he says).

“I don't know what you're talking about, I love scary movies.” A snort leaves Harry’s mouth at that. She gives a weak push against his shoulder at his response.

“So you’ll love me if I put on The Conjuring tonight?” he asks, both eyebrows raised as he readies his thumb on the play button. His smug face makes Y/N want to attack him and refuse to watch a film of terror, but she won't give in yet.

A wide and obviously exaggerated smile spreads on her lips and she nods curtly, “Yup.”

She really doesn't know why she went along and did this though because Harry presses down on the remote control and the movie begins to play and Y/N knows she's fucked for the rest of the week.

And she proves herself correct as the movie reaches the third act and she finds herself wrapped around Harry’s figure. She had thought she saw a hand reach for her at her end of the couch so she pushed the pizza box off her and onto the ground, quickly scooted on top of his lap, and tucked her legs inside the blanket wrapped around them. Her head isn't turned towards Harry but she just knows he's smirking in amusement behind her from her sudden, but not surprising, actions. So with the arm that’s wrapped around his back, she lifts her hand and flicks the back of his neck.

“Ouch! What the heck, Y/N?”

“Oh hush, you already know why I hate you right now.” Y/N quips back as her eyebrows furrow with irritation, only multiplying more when a jumpscare occurs on screen and her heart skips a massive beat. She can't endure it anymore, so she turns her head and tucks her face into his neck, Harry quickly reacting and extending his neck out a bit so she can get more space.

She grumbles against his skin, “Why are you so keen on scary movies? Do you not realize it's only going to make me bother you even more with calls in the middle of the night?”

He lets out a small exhale through his nose as he softly laughs at her grumpiness. “You never bother me,” he lets out quietly, provoking a warm blush to rise in his cheeks, thanking the heavens that the lights are turned off so that it's not noticeable.

He likes to think he isn't so obvious about his feelings towards her. Even though everyone in their friend group always comments about how exhausting it is to see how absolutely infatuated he is with her yet he doesn't do anything about it. But Y/N is pretty good at missing signals and this ditziness of hers gives him more passes than he's deserved.

Like how he's constantly using his free time from his job to text her, call her, or hang out with her. Or like how he always says yes to her when she asks for a ride to her campus for her afternoon lectures because her car’s A/C doesn't work but his does, even if it means being late coming back from lunch to work. Or like how he never approves of any of the guys she mentions she's found cute or has ever asked her out. Or how whenever she sleeps over (or vise versa), he rolls over in bed and pulls her into his arms, rubbing his nose against her cheek with a dopey grin until she wakes up with a wrinkled nose from the sensation, rasping out, “Good morning, my sweet girl.”

Or like in this present occasion, how he always chooses a horror movie to watch after he feels like she hasn't been affectionate enough with him in the past two weeks. Because he knows that she always ends up in his lap, quivering under his gentle hands combing through her hair, comforting her and protecting her from the scary monster on the telly.

He feels a tiny bit guilty using her fear as a method of affection but her shampoo always leaves such a sweet mango scent in her hair and he can't help but inhale and forget all about it. And it's not like she ever complains about being in his arms. Which makes him giddy thinking about it but he pushes his hopes down. She seems comfortable enough being just friends, he doesn't think she's ever going to want more (this thought leaves a small sting in his chest and he tightens his arms around her a bit more).

They stay like this for the rest of the movie, his hand running small circles on her back and her hand running her fingers through his curls. As the TV turns almost completely black as the end credits roll, the room gets darker and Y/N shivers a bit.

Harry wants to coo at her.

“It's just a movie, Y/N. You're safe here with me. Nothing will ever get past my hold on you.” She doesn't respond right away, breathing softly against his neck as she tries to calm herself down.

It doesn't really work though because although she does start to forget about what she saw on the TV beforehand, she starts thinking about what he just said. You're safe here with me, he told her, nothing will ever get past my hold on you. That seemed like a recurring event in their movie nights. He always chooses a movie that will insinuate contact. Like how the previous time he chose a movie, he chose My Sister’s Keeper, Y/N burying herself into his chest with sobs escaping her mouth throughout it all.

She gets an idea why he does so, but this idea brings her cheeks to a flaming color and she internally shakes her head in denial. It's been too long that she keeps this hope inside of Harry possibly feeling what she wants him to feel for her. Since her freshman year of college when she came crying to him about how she was too dumb to be enrolled and that she should just drop out and get a job instead of wasting money on something she won't accomplish. And he pulled her into his chest and let her ugly sob against him for what seemed like hours, letting her muster out all that she possibly could before he began to whisper soft declarations of the pride he holds in seeing her challenge herself, not giving in to what everyone has told her she is, raising a middle finger to those who doubted her willpower.

Ever since then, she's found a new place in her heart for him that no boy has ever proven to be a worthy contestant for, even though she's tried so hard to find someone to do so. Because while Harry’s always been a blunt and straightforward kind of guy, he's never confirmed that her hopes were true and she'd rather not go through the embarrassment of waiting for him to come around only to find him fall for another girl in the end. So she's tried moving on, but even Harry can clearly see with every guy she meets, none of them are of real interest to Y/N, because not a single one of them is Harry.

They can't compare to the way he makes her feel. The way he embraces her when she's sad. The way he makes himself the little spoon when it's him who's brooding. The way she stays up alone sometimes, contemplating what would happen if she called him and told him how she felt. And then crying with his contact popped up on her phone screen because she spent 10 minutes staring at it but lacked the courage to risk their friendship and press the call button. The way that he always tries to make her happy but she knows this is the one thing that he will never comply to.

So her idea of why Harry chooses these movies is dismissed from her brain.

But still… she is curious as to why.

So she musters up a few seconds of courage to clear her throat timidly and raise her lips away from his skin to talk clearly, whispering out, “Why do you always choose movies that end up with us touching each other?”

And, oh god, she squeezes her eyes shut tight and buries her head right back into the crook of his neck because that was not how she wanted to word her question. She can feel Harry go a bit frigid and she scolds herself on the inside.

“What… do you mean?” he asks into the open space of the living room, the tone of his voice letting Y/N know he was just as flustered with her query as she was.

She thinks about how to reword herself and not accidentally embarrass herself even further, quipping up again, “Like… with every movie you pick, you always end up having me in your arms. And it's often enough for you to know what movies will make me do this, and you pick them anyways… So why?”

Harry gulps quietly as he goes into panic. Suddenly, the fear of her not enjoying this physical contact they always hold invades his mind and he tries very hard to seem cool and collected as he asks back, “Do you want me to stop?”

She's quick to react, eyes widening and head retracting back to hold eye contact with him, one hand reaching over to rest at his jaw. “I don't mind at all! I--I like it. It's, um, it's nice and comforting. I just kind of want to know what goes through your head when you do so.”

She can see how stunned he is now, truly, and she almost wobbles her bottom lips in awe at how absolutely adorable he looks with this facial expression. But she can also tell that he's feeling a bit embarrassed, and although it does make her heart skip a beat from the insinuation of why he’s possibly feeling embarrassed, she really doesn't want him to be uncomfortable with her questioning. So she tucks her head back into him, not as close as last time, but enough to lay her head on his shoulder, and moves her hand away from his face, leaving it against his clothed chest, giving him time to think.

He stays silent after this, just for a little while. He's blushing up a storm and his heart is now pounding very heavily and he's sure that she can feel it (she can, and it makes hers start pounding as well). He doesn't know how to respond without revealing his true feelings. Because really, there's no other explanation other then oh yanno, Y/N, it's because I’ve been madly and deeply in love with you since senior year of high school when you ditched your movie date with Evan Davis, the star player of the football team, to attend our movie session because, as you said, no boy was going to keep you from me and my mom’s hot pockets.

So it takes him a while to come to the conclusion that fuck, he really doesn't have any other option but to say what he's been feeling for 3 years now. A long overdue confession, which he can blame on the both of them. Him because he's so scared of rejection and a broken friendship, but also her because seriously, how has she not seen the signs?

He hasn't even been laid since the day he realized he's in love with her! Y/N knows it, and she knows how many girls throw themselves at him whenever they decide to stroll through her campus on nice sunny days, so she must also know there's a reason on his behalf of why the only girl he's ever gotten close to is her.

God, this is going to end in heartbreak, he tells himself because here he is, about to confess his feelings to the girl of his dreams who has been constantly showing interest to every other boy but himself. It's a recipe for disaster.

But he still musters up the courage, he mentally pushes himself off the cliff and blurts out all in one breath, “I’mkindasortareallyinlovewithyouandhavingyouinmyarmscompensatesforwhatIcan’teverhavesothat’swhyIalwaystrytomakeyoufallintomyholdI’msorry.”

And Y/N catches it. She catches it all because his mouth is almost touching her ear and her Psych professor also talks in a super human speed so she's adapted to quick explanations. But she doesn't say anything. She's too in shock to react in any way possible but to exhale through her nose against his bare skin like as if she was holding her breath this entire time.

He's in love with her. He actually reciprocates her feelings. Oh my god, she repeats over and over in her head. Tightening the grip she has on his shirt, she tries to formulate a response. But Harry is quicker.

With the softest and quietest voice he has ever mustered, he lets out, “I’m sorry.”

Y/N tries to stop him but there's no words coming out of her mouth. After a few more seconds of silence, Harry continues.

“I’m--I’m so sorry. I--” he's struggling so hard to not get choked up on his words. She's in his arms, frozen from the confession, and he can't stop the ache in his heart already forming a permanent residence. He's at least grateful that she's still facing away from him so he's not feeling much humiliation as tears fill up in his eyes.

“I shouldn't have fallen in love. You’re just so beautiful and---and brave and tough to break and kind and gentle and so precious. I mean how… how could I have not have fallen for you, yanno? And I’m just---” his voice cracks at the word just and he stops himself to recollect his thoughts and swallow down the sob that's threatening to spill.

He inhales and exhales shakily as he squeezes his eyes shut to stop his crying because at this point, a few tears have actually escaped. “I’m sorry I ruined this for us. I was selfish and now you won't even say anything and it hurts but I understand. I’m sorry,” he finishes off with the sorry whispered into the dark room.

He's, yet again, met with silence. It only hurts him more. He figures he should take Y/N home, hoping she'll at least silently comply and let him drive her back, so she can process this new information and he can curl up in his bed sheets and release all this hurt that's physically piling up and aching in his chest.

So he slightly moves his body in his seat to signify that he wants to get up, and he expects Y/N to slip off of his lap to let him. But instead, he’s greeted with her face retracting from his neck and now boring her teary eyes into his as she's inches away from him, letting her weight sink him down to keep him in place.

His eyes widen in surprise, which only accentuate the glossiness of his own crying eyes.

It breaks Y/N’s heart.

She tried so hard to stop him in his heart warming and heart wrenching explanation but she physically couldn't use her vocal chords. So she sat there in silence, tearing up from the words he spoke. He thinks I don't love him back is all that runs through her brain throughout the entirety of his speech and the silence afterwards. And she hates it.

And she hates that he accepted her silence as rejection because him trying to move away from here clearly shows he doesn't believe in her loving him back and can't bare it. So she quickly responded to his shuffling with pulling away from his shoulder, visually showing him all her emotions, her heart breaking as she see his.

The hand that was fisting his shirt is released as she brings it up to cup his cheek, Harry automatically leaning into it. The way his eyes are glossed over and his eyebrows are pulled down in confusion and discontent, yet still he gives in to her comforting touch, makes her begin to tear up once more. And this time, a meek whimper comes out of her lips.

This relief in finally making a noise makes her begin to actually cry.

It scares Harry a bit with the burst in sobs, especially since she squeezes her eyes shut and drops her head forward to lean her forehead against his. The close proximity to her face makes him tense up, but because of how awful it was to see her crying up close over him. He feels like he did a disservice to her, not letting her live out a perfect friendship without him going and ruining it. And that's what makes him close his eyes and cry as well, leaving them both as crying messes clinging onto each other in the moonlit living room.

Y/N tries so hard to recollect herself because she realizes after a minute of crying with Harry, she still hasn't said a single word. She imagines that's why he's crying as well; he thinks she's crying over hurting his feelings.

So she tries to sniff in all of her snot (she doesn't doubt she looks completely disgusting right now), and lets her mouth fall agape. She doesn't know how to relay all her emotions and feelings out right away, so she starts off with gasping out, “I’m sorry.”

But once these two words leave her mouth, she can't seem to stop uttering them. Traces of I’m sorry’s are left as she leans her head back, letting the free hand, that isn't already cupping his check, run through the front of his hair soothingly.

She's able to calm her cries into soft hiccups and sees Harry do the same as well, except he doesn't seem too keen on opening his eyes and facing reality just yet.

Y/N hates it so much.

So she whispers out, “Look at me, Harry.”

He slowly flutters his eyes open, first looking down into their laps before slowly trailing his eyes up to bore into hers, sadness leaking out of his facial expression.

She stays silent as she examines his soft face, already feeling her chin wobble in exasperation to burst into tears again. But she holds herself back because for the first time in a while, it's Y/N whose taking care of Harry. Sweet sweet Harry who she's been so in love with for so many years. And who apparently has been in love with her as well, after all this time.

She runs her hand through his hair once more before breaking into a soft smile at his angelic state of heartbreak. Only Harry would be able to look so beautiful after crying his heart out.

“I’m really sorry, Harry,” she begins, holding up her front and shakes her head when he opens his mouth to begin talking as well.

“No, sh, let me speak,” she continues, “I am so so sorry for not noticing. For being too stupid to not clearly pick up the signs about your feelings for me. Because, Jesus, Harry, I always had an inkling that it was the truth but I was too stubborn to fully believe in it. To believe that you would--you would love me--like that.”

Y/N can feel herself lose her composure with every word she utters, examining her own naive and ignorant past self who refused to see the signs and possibly stalled a wonderful relationship.

A tear slips out from her right eye and Harry is quick to reach up and wipe it away. Y/N melts and quickly places her hand over his to keep his touch there before he could pull away. This time it's Y/N leaning into his touch and she feels her heart clench. She doesn't know how to continue without fully breaking down again so she turns her head to press her lips against his palm, giving herself time to think.

But the feeling of his skin against her lips is too much, too real of a moment, too much of a reality check that this night could have been avoided if she just admitted her feelings for him right from the start. If she wouldn't have wimped out and just made it clear that it was him that she wanted, him and no one else. She could have been in his arms kissing more than just his palm for over 3 years now, if she just upped and blurted it out.

So she doesn't wait any longer. She gives his palm one last peck before moving her head back into its original position and clearly iterates, “I’m so in love with you Harry. Since freshman year of college, I’ve wanted to be your girlfriend. I've wanted to know how your lips would feel like against mine for so long, and I’m sorry for not getting the courage to find out for myself. I’m sorry I waited this long to do this.”

And she leans in and kisses him.

Fireworks don't go off outside, an indie pop song doesn't begin to play in the background, no applause or cheers are heard from an audience. But Harry lets out a small noise of surprise before quickly responding with both his hands wrapping around her waist, pulling her in to get as much of her close to him like as if this were a dream and if he were to let go, he'd wake up and never experience it again. And that makes all the fireworks go off in Y/N’s stomach while the main chorus of Sweet Disposition plays in her head, her inner self screaming with joy.

They run out of air to breath, their crying session making them too exhausted to explode into fiery and passionate kisses. But even as they pull away to catch their breath, they're both gasping in relief, feeling a big grin to break out onto their faces right after, reiterating the word finally to themselves.

Y/N drops her head back down to touch foreheads, closing her eyes in peace and harmony. She's never felt so exhausted yet so ecstatic at the same time like this before. She finally has him. 5 years of friendship and they've finally reached their happy ending in their friends to lovers trope. If there were an actual person reading their love story, Y/N thinks, they must be so exasperated and worn out from their idiotic naivety.

Really, it was stupid to Y/N. It took them this long to finally be happy. She shakes her head at herself a bit and feels Harry open his mouth to break the silence.

“So me crying was all it took for you to finally come around?” Harry lets out, evoking a small giggle from Y/N’s mouth as she playfully rolls her eyes. Guess he realized it just as well.

“You know I’m a sucker for romantic dramas.”

#harry styles #harry x reader #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fic #1d fic #ok idk what else to tag #senior year sucks and fries my brain #also im craving enchiladas rn #ok cool

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