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#sarcastic-writes
ashes-in-a-jar · 3 months
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I'm choosing to ignore the theory that they are putting up a front, only being business partners with similar goals and knowing way more than it appears
I choose to believe this is what Gerry is like when brought up in a good home
I choose to believe Gertrude Robinson is a good parent
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sprout-fics · 10 months
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Humbly requesting the stay the night prompt of “wait…you’ve been here all night?” Pairing whatever. Just wanting to see this written out 💜
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When you wake, the world feels like it’s trying to hammer you back unconscious. 
“Shit…” You say immediately following your groan, pressing the heel of your palm to your eyes to quell the horrible pulsing pain there. The headache feels like it’s trying to carve inside your skull, and you can taste bile still on your lips, tacky in your mouth.
The hell happened last night? You think blearily, blinking in the brightness of late morning sunlight that filters through your curtains. It’s too bright, but when you twist to try and draw them closed your body aches in protest. 
You try to recall the evening from the night before, recalling your giggling laughter as Soap slung an arm around your shoulder and dragged you over to the dance floor of the club. He and Gaz had belted out the lyrics to the songs, muffled by the pump of the speakers, had stumbled over to the bar and ordered more drinks. The rest is a dizzying haze of color and light, but judging from your clothes crumpled and the foul taste in your mouth, you can judge it didn’t go well. 
“Fuckin hell…” You groan at a fresh wave of throbbing at your temples. Yet your stomach rumbles, empty and biting at your insides, and at last it forces you from bed, stumbling down the stairs of your flat towards the kitchen.
Yet as you enter inside you’re startled to find a gigantic, looming figure in a dark hoodie, mask bunched around his nose as he sips from a mug that seems far too small for his massive hands.
“Ghost?” You squeak in surprise, bracing in the doorway with shock clear across your face. 
Ghost looks up at you, dark eyes not smudged with paint and clear behind his plain black balaclava. He doesn’t look surprised to see you at all, unlike you. 
“Was beginning to wonder if you were dead.” He remarks flatly, holding your gaze for a long moment, just enough to make your cheeks burn. You’re still dressed in your clothes from last night, hair messy and makeup likely smudged to shit. Yet Ghost appears entirely nonplussed, at last turning towards the kettle.
“You don’t remember.” He observes, and when you shake your head you groan, the motion far too much for your hangover headache. He glances over his shoulder at you, nodding with meaning towards a chair at the kitchen table. 
“Where’s Johnny…Gaz?” You ask as you gently lower yourself down, cradling your head in your hands. 
“Probably still bollocksed.” Ghost declares, turning and leaning on the counter as the kettle simmers behind him. “They were bog-faced by the time they called me. Said you were fallen from grace, from what I could make out.”
You knew that much, can tell from the way your stomach distantly rolls with discontent. It doesn’t explain why he’s here.
“So what?” You ask, rubbing your temples. “You helped me home?”
Ghost shrugs, mouth quirking with a hint of amusement in a rare glimpse of his expression. “Held your hair while you got sick, made you drink some water, kept you from texting your ex…joking.” He supplies at your aghast expression. “Settled down on your couch to make sure you didn’t wander out into the streets.”
You blink at that, raising your head from your hands and snapping to look at him. “Wait…you’ve been here all night?”
Ghost shrugs again, but this time there’s a strange ounce of guardedness to it, like he’s reluctant to admit he kept watch. 
“...and Soap and Gaz?” You venture, and that makes the wry, barely sinister smile return. 
“Told ‘em to bugger off. Might have to go hunting in some alleys for them later.”
You aren’t sure whether to laugh or be horrified with the dryness of his tone, half-convinced he’s telling the truth. Before you can ask, the kettle whistles behind him and Ghost turns, pouring the hot water into a second mug.
“Bloody sergeants.” He sighs, a little irritated. “Should have never let them take you out. Can’t be trusted when they’re sloshed.”
There’s a tone there that’s frustrated, and rather than it sitting unhappily in your chest it instead makes you smile. 
He was worried.
Ghost turns, sets the mug of tea on the table before you, his hand covering the top. Yet when you reach for it he doesn’t move, and you glance up to see his severe stare leveled down at you.
“No more getting pished.” Ghost tells you severely in a low murmur, and you grimace, duck your head in a rightful amount of shame. 
“No more drinking with the sergeants.” You recite dutifully, and Simon huffs a sound that almost feels like a chuckle.
He stands over you, arms crossed as you blow at your tea, watches as you finish it, and you feel warm under his gaze.
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chessb0r3d · 5 months
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i cracked the code.
#believing dirk is the worst guy because its what dirk thinks of himself#ignoring daves bisexuality and think hes a gay man in denial even when he explained hes bisexual#believing john 'im not a homosexual' egbert is explicitly straight while he makes out with his mcconahey and cameron posters more#than he kissed women(literally only once)#believing that rose is an edgy psyhcotic little bitch when she was neglected. she speaks elegantly to cover that shes silly and a total ner#and how did people forget that rose also writes gay wizard fanfiction. reads Wikipedia. and her beautiful artstyle as a result of neglect#(and by neglect meaning having SO MUCH TIME to draw)#jake wasnt into dirk. he also told di that he didnt like how brobot getting touchy with him during strifes#but as part of the repression 4(prospit kids). he refused on changing the bot settings#what jane said about roxy being better when she was drunk. it was fucking sarcasm. its the least insane shit you could say to a best friend#all the kids have issues and of course people get mad over a girl being sarcastic.#when KARKAT said THE SAME THING to rose when she was drunk on the meteor nobody bats an eye#trolls are just grey humans that are bugs. he doesnt get an excuse for being an alien. humans were made from KARKATS BLOOD#jade isnt all silly girl and is so FULL OF HATE towards the trolls. she called karkat a fuckass (VERY FUNNY) to do her a favor#“jade would rather have punched karkat in the fact then had a pleasent conversation with him.”#“she viewed the trolls as rude mean and cruel. and even thought that nepeta was just making fun of her.#despite it being that nepeta just wanted to roleplay and have fun."#dred.loki#I HAVE YET TO ADD MORE. THESE ARE JUST NOTES#homestuck#chss
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prettyboykatsuki · 11 months
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ITOSHI SISTER AND TRYING TO SNEAK ISAGI OUT? you are getting caught
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sworn secrecy | i. yoichi.
✮ tags ; fem!reader(referred to as little sister but otherwise no gendered language), little sister itoshi (rin / sae are your big brothers), boyfriend!isagi, aged-up charas, use of honorfics for rin / sae (sae-nii / rin-nii), sneaking out, very silly. not nsfw but it's there implicitly
✮ wc ; 2k
✮ a/n ; have had bad writers block but this was a lot of fun.
✮ synopsis ; rin has made it very clear that isagi is strictly off-limits. you are not very good at listening.
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It's a miracle you haven't died.
Isagi sits on the edge of your bed, wet hair and shirtless while watching Youtube videos while you stare outside of the window of your bedroom. Both of your brothers cars are still parked into the driveway.
You're screwed, actually. There's no hope for you anymore. You freeze as you hear footsteps in the hallway, shooting Isagi a look. He shrugs at you, a sly grin on his face. Unbothered and amused by the entire situation.
He's not going to be any help either it seems. You step away and crawl over to him in distress, throwing yourself into his lap. He drops his phone on side of the bed with a laugh, as you sit your knees on either side of his thighs.
His hand goes instantly to rest on the small of your back, knocking his forehead to yours. He has the audacity to giggle at you.
"Yoichi," You bemoan, clinging onto him for comfort even though he's most of the problem "How can you laugh in these conditions? Do you know how fucked I am?"
He gives you a wry grin "Well in a way,"
You hit him softly for the crass comment before clinging onto his shoulder. Isagi holds you comfortably, kissing whatever part of your shoulder you can reach. He traces little patterns into your skin, and you let yourself lean into the touch because you're unsure of when the next time will be if either of you happen to get caught.
"Yoichi," You whine again, frustrated and huffing "If Rin-nii catches me he's going to kill me."
He has the nerve to laugh.
"He'll be pissed but he's not gonna say anything to you. He's gonna kick my ass though."
"That's what I'm worried about, you dummy."
"Aw, you're worried about me? Hm? My baby is worried about me?"
Isagis coaxing helps soften your nerves even though it's not fixing the problem. You giggle quietly at the feeling of his lips on your neck and decide you're going to see him again at all costs.
It's a bad situation to be in. Surprisingly, while both of your older brothers are protective of you - Rin is the most strict about why you're not allowed to date his friends. Sae is a lot more lax about it, maybe because he's the oldest with the worst tendency of spoiling you. The only person he refuses to let you get involved with is Oliver and Shidou - but he doesn't particularly care about his other teammates if you're interested.
Rin, on the other hand, has been very verbal about you dating his teammates. A strict no on all of them, every last one - even the good and nice guys like gorilla-king Barou or Musclehead Kunigami. Chigiri is off-limits, Bachira is definitely off-limits, and the list goes on and on.
Of all of them though, Rin has a special disdain for the boy currently sitting half-naked in your bed after having sex with you the night before.
"If I ever catch that fucking freak looking at you, I'll kill him. You're not allowed to date Isagi ever."
When you were a little younger and it mattered to you more - you did try to stay away from them altogether. As the team went pro and Isagi came around more often to practice or bother Rin, the more difficult this ask became.
Isagi is two years older than you, and he's always been so nice to you. You'd only started speaking to him recently. He's attentive and charismatic, and awkward in an attractive way. All of that along with how he is when he plays - nauseatingly arrogant and cocky and so impossibly sexy made in impossible to stay away.
He wasn't always so tempting. But as of a few months ago, you couldn't take his eyes off him. So, at a party and away from your brothers view - you came onto him. He was even nice enough to try and stop you since he probably knew the outcome.
But your crush was only growing in size and you were determined to fuck him at least. So fuck him you did. You'd half been expecting your brothers gloom and doom to come true. You thought you'd wake up to an empty bed and no phone number - figure out why he'd always been so adamant on it.
Your bed was empty, but Isagi wasn't gone, he was making breakfast - grinning at you as you padded downstairs. You realized later that you'd be wiped down and changed sometime in the middle of the night. Turns out Isagi had his eyes on you for a long time, but per Rin's insanity decided not to approach. And now that you'd gone this far, he was determined to keep you.
Bridges burned, you started dating in secrecy. The only person who knows is Bachira. You kind of think Sae found out months ago, but chose not to let it slip. He just occasionally gives you knowing glances and tells you to be safe more often than not.
It's been 6-months and the two of you have been so careful. Isagi is mostly careful for your sake. He's told you more than once that he doesn't care who knows, even if it's Rin.
But you know your brother, and how fucking deranged he tends to be about stuff like this. So you've been sneaking around, doing home-dates or long-drives to avoid things that are too public and it's worked. You've been extra careful when you bring Isagi home - usually choosing to stay at his place.
Rin isn't supposed to be here. He went on a daytrip with his team for some photoshoot and was supposed to be home tomorrow. Sae was supposed to be in the gym. Now they're both at home, and Isagi is sitting in your bed while you're covered in hickies.
And you have not the slightest fucking idea how you're going to get him the hell out without being caught.
"I'm worried Rin-nii is going to fist-fight you." You say sincerely. Isagi laughs.
"I forgot he almost got into with Shidou. And Sae."
You sigh a deep sigh as Isagi rubs a circle into your back.
"I love you," You say with another frown.
"I love you too. Stop worrying so much. It'll be fine."
"You're only saying that because you don't know how much Rin lectured me about you specifically."
"Me specifically? Seriously? Am I that much of a villain to that guy?"
You laugh a little wetly "Yeah, kinda."
"Damn. Tough crowd.'
You both sit together in silence for a minute before sighing.
"Do you think I should enlist Sae-niis help?"
Isagi gives you a confused look. "I thought he didn't know?"
"I never told him but," You shrug sheepishly "Pretty sure he figured it out."
Isagi gives you a little kiss on the cheek "If you trust him, I trust him. We don't talk much but he seems cool to me."
You nod a little before grabbing your phone from next to Isagi - pulling back as you look for Sae's contact.
(sent 11:34am) : my beloved flesh and blood you know i love you with my whole heart yes.
from sae-nii (sent 11:34am) : how much money do you need? (sent 11:34 am) : no no its not that this time.
(sent 11:35 am) : uhm. isagi is in my room. and i need to sneak him out so rin doesn't see. help me. please please please. from sae-nii (sent 11:38 am) : ... you're such an idiot.
from sae-nii (sent 11:39am) : ill distract him. come down in 5 minutes exactly. and don't do this stupid shit again. im not helping you next time. (sent 11:40 am) : thank u i love you ur the best ever. favorite midfielder in the world.
You moan a sigh of relief as you drop your head onto Isagi's shoulder.
"Sae-nii is helping us. We're saved. Didn't even ask about anything."
"We'll have to make it up to him sometime." Isagi offers. You nod emphatically. You're sure he's going to interrogate you later but it won't be nearly as bad.
"We only have 5 minutes. I'll help you get your stuff."
"Thanks baby."
In 5 minutes, you help Isagi get dressed, pack of his stuff in the drawstring bag he brought with him, and give him a few kisses goodbye. You get a text at 11:44 on the dot saying Rin will be distracted for a little and to head down.
Your door creeks as you poke your head down, looking both ways before opening it completely and letting Isagi out. He does the same gesture as the two of you quietly make your down the stairs, Isagi's hand in yours as you trail behind him.
When you're finally downstairs, Sae is waiting at the end of the steps with a very unimpressed expression. You give him a look of gratitude, and he merely shakes his head. You're feeling especially lucky today.
Isagi comes all the way down and you stand next to him. Sae puts a hand on his shoulder and leans in.
"I called an Uber. It'll be waiting at the 7/11 on the corner..." A slight pause "Treat her well or I'll ruin your entire career."
Isagi swallows awkwardly.
"Y-yeah, of course."
Sae gives a satisfied nod before looking at you "I'll talk to you later."
"Yeah, got it. Thank you nii-san." You reply. He softens before shaking his head.
"Go say your goodbyes outside. The Uber will be there soon and he still has to walk down there."
You usher Isagi outside, mouthing one last thank you to your brother before gently shutting the door behind you. Finally at your front door, you get a good look at your boyfriend under the early morning sun.
You give him a long hug, squeezing him tight as the wind passes by. He returns to the gesture, smiling in a goofy way as he pulls away from you.
"Stop looking so sad, baby." He reaches for you, cupping your cheek in his palm as he rubs his thumb underneath your eyes "I'll see you again soon, yeah."
You nod. You really don't want to part with him. Strangely the whole fiasco is only making you feel more fond. You hum, then sigh - giggling a bit.
"Mm, okay. Thanks for being you. Sorry your in-laws are insane."
"In-laws? Oh, am I getting proposed to first? That won't do."
"Stop that, I'm kidding."
"I'm not," He says with a light laugh "Let me win the World Cup first once though." He pulls your hand to his lips, kissing your ring finger and feeling for the size. You flush.
"Stop being so romantic and go home."
He laughs a little again, kissing your hairline and temple before kissing you once on the lips.
"Message received. I'll text you. Love you. Bye baby."
"Bye,"
You part with one last kiss, watching as Isagi walks down the sidewalk and disappears around the corner without looking back. A wave of relief passes over you but you'd soon find out how short-lived the moment would truly be.
You feel your phone buzz in your pocket.
from sae-nii ( sent 11:57 am) : i tried to keep him from going outside but he..
The message cuts off as a sense of dread fills your stomach. You turn around slowly only to see Rin at the window, fuming.
Oh, you're so absolutely screwed.
__
AFTERMATH.
Isagi slides into the Uber with a heavy sigh, before sliding his phone open. A flood of messages awaits him all from the same time. Some from you opening with an apology - more from Rin that are a variety of threats.
He starts laughing in the back of the Uber, barely able to contain himself.
from evil twin (sent 11:56 am) : im gonna fucking murder you.
from evil twin (sent 11:56 am) : i already told her. no you especially. im gonna fucking flay you as soon as i see you.
Isagi laughs as he types back a reply, shutting his phone after putting his airpods in and playing music.
sent 12:08 pm : looking forward to family dinner otouto
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Married hero x villain
When villain just comes to hero’s rescue right after they’ve been severely tortured by supervillain (or superhero, whichever one is fine), and hero breaks down bc they lost their wedding ring during the fight and villain is like “baby that ring is nothing compared to your own life and safety, plus I can always buy you a new one.”
“Fuck, your stats are horrible,” the villain noticed. They still stared at the calibrations their little device offered, refusing to believe that the hero was in such a bad condition and still conscious.
Then again, the hero wasn’t quite human.
“I’m so sorry,” the hero whispered. The tears wouldn’t stop and the villain’s heart splintered with every drop.
“It’s not your fault,” the villain said. They tried to be rational, to shut off their emotions and concentrate on the hero instead of their anger. The villain knew they would take care of the supervillain later and they knew it wouldn’t be pretty. Carefully, they wiped the tears and blood from the hero’s face. “You’re safe now.”
“I can’t really breathe,” the hero said.
“I know, your left lung collapsed.”
“Has that ever happened before?” the hero asked. The villain could tell they were in immense pain but refused to show it.
“Yeah, a few months ago. It wasn’t this bad, though. Now, come here.” The villain pulled up their spouse but they noticed too late the hero’s ankles were broken. The hero moaned — nearly screamed — and the villain picked them up immediately, just like on their wedding day.
The fabric of the villain’s suit twisted in the hero’s hand.
“Shit, I scanned you all over, how did I miss this…?”
“Scan probably crashed. Happened to me when I tried to scan a dead person. Too much info. They really messed me up this time,” the hero whispered. The villain felt them shake in their arms, felt blood soaking through their own suit.
“Hey, it’s okay,” the villain said. They tried not to hold their spouse too close. They didn’t want to cause any more harm.
But despite the villain’s plan, they felt their own sanity slipping away. They had to swallow a sour taste in their mouth, had to blink away tears.
The villain needed to be strong for their hero but deep down, they knew how this was breaking them. How all of this was made to break them. Stealing their spouse in the middle of the night, torturing them, hiding them, playing with them; all of it happened because the supervillain wanted to toy with them.
Panic was an old companion and the villain was sure they would meet them soon enough. And if that happened, panic would beat the living shit out of them.
“Let’s go home,” the villain said, their voice shaking.
“Honey, I need to tell you something,” the hero said and the villain held onto them a little tighter, protective and worried. Their spouse was doing pretty well for nearly dying. No doubt, their superpowers made them harder to kill, but the hero was dangerously good at pretending they were fine.
The villain risked a look down at them in their arms and there were even more tears on the hero’s cheeks.
“I’m so sorry,” they sobbed and the villain had a million horrible suspicions running through their mind. What had happened to their hero? What had they done to them? The villain was losing it, was going to murder the supervillain with their own hands. “They took my ring.”
The hero’s tears wouldn’t stop, in fact everything got worse. The villain could tell they tried to swallow their tears. But their lips trembled and their eyes were red.
“Honestly? I’m just glad you’re alright.” One crack, then two. The villain’s voice gave up and so did the villain. They let the little wall in their mind crumble completely and let emotions take over. Everything broke down and the tears followed. They held the hero close, shaking.
Likewise, the hero stopped pretending and let the tears fall.
It was a curse. Pretending to be alright, so you wouldn’t worry your significant other. The villain hadn’t planned this but they couldn’t help it. Maybe the hero was the only person they could be their rawest self with. Maybe the hero was the only person who truly, deeply knew them.
Someone who had seen all the ugly parts, all the disgusting parts, all the faults and mistakes, all the imperfections and unpleasantries. Someone who, despite all, stayed.
“Oh god, my love,” the villain sobbed between tears, “god, I thought you were gone.”
“You’re not mad?” the hero asked and the villain shook their head, lost in complete despair. They needed a second to gather themselves.
“It’s just a ring,” the villain whispered. The hero wiped tears off the villain’s cheeks and the villain had to smile softly. “Marriage is so much more than one ring. All I ask for is your safety.”
The hero leaned their head against the villain’s chest. They seemed calmer as their fingers went over the villain’s forearm.
“I can always buy you a new one,” the villain promised. “But first, we have to get out of here.”
For the next few months, the villain didn’t let the healing hero out of their sight.
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petricorah · 1 year
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for @lesmiserablol​ and their great fic now that i see you 
so i was going to do what you suggested but this expression reminded me of the smolderTM and i just decided to uhhh tangled au instead
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mispatchedgreens · 5 months
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🪭 The Court Official and The Curious Case of the Bitten Peach 🍑
or, wang baoxiang is the protagonist of a xianxia drama where there's less betrayal, the same amount of ghosts, and also bisexuality is unlocked
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somestorythoughts · 4 months
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Why yes those are the defining features of small prey animals.
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arguablysomaya · 10 months
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if fanfic writers are going to take literally no other advice for how to structure plots and characters, please just watch this playlist
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creepycoffins · 3 months
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Vash with a short temper ❤️ Sarcastic Vash ❤️ dangerous, formidable Vash lurking just behind the veneer of a gentle expression and carefully crafted phrases he's been practicing for a century ❤️ Diablo 💞💞💞
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writing-to-survive · 4 months
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#197
"I'm not too sure about this plan of yours anymore."
"Relax. The worst that could happen is that we die."
"Oh? Well then, let's go on three."
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simping-lya · 4 months
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Underfell!Sans Headcanons
- He's very sarcastic and because of that, comes off as rude. He worries every time that he might ha gone too far with you but you always laugh and joke with him. He's glad that he didn't mess things up but also wish he could shut up sometimes because he doesn't want you to think he's mean.
- He very much likes seeing you smile and hearing your laugh. Gets flustered over it very easily and gets embarrassed for feeling flustered. He denies that he's flustered and will blame it on something else that may or may not come off as rude.
- If you ask him for something he will grumble about it but will do it one hundred percent and somehow makes it even better. Ask him for a drink? He will give you your favorite beverage at the exact temperature you always like. He acts tough and say you don't have to thank him over those acts cuz it was nothing for him but he will be in a better mood after your thanks.
- He will cherish every gift you give him. It doesn't have to be something big, a single bracelet you gave will mean the world to him. He will use the gift or put it on display until it is so worn out, it can't be used anymore. It's a gift from you afterall and you mean the world to him so your gifts also mean the world to him.
- He's not the type to confess to you when he caught feelings, at least not instantly. He would think that he may be misunderstanding your behavior with him and the fear that he might scare you off by acting on his feelings will keep him from flirting back to you. However, if you make it so obvious that you like him to other people (cough cough Papyrus), Sans will confess after being reassured that you aren't being friendly.
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aceghosts · 10 days
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Mass Effect (Legendary Edition) (2/X)
(PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS FEMSHEP!)
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Christmas Drabble Advent Day 2 - You shouldn't have
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This is Day 2 of my Christmas Drabble Advent. The full masterlist can be found here > Advent Masterlist
Pairing - Kyle "Gaz" Garrick x reader
Summary - You and Gaz are competitive when it comes to shooting, and even worse when it comes to trading barbs. His latest joke doesn't land so well on you.
Warnings - No warnings, just fluff!
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“Got ya somethin’.”
You practically squawked when something heavy and messily wrapped thunked down onto your lap, sending your book flying. The shiny paper reflected the sterile lights ahead, forcing you to look up and catch Gaz’s wry smile. What was he cooking up? 
“Fuck’s this?” you grunted.
“Christmas present. Figured you could do with a pick me up after I kicked your arse down the range yesterday.”
You rolled your eyes, taking it upon yourself to rip apart the offensively shiny paper rather than dignify that with a response. 
“Carrots?” you frowned.
“Heard it improves your sight,” he winked.
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samuelroukin · 30 days
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FRANCIS 'CHUCK' HONEYCUTT
"you know, they used to call me 'honey'. guy gets chucked off a building one time..."
this is what he's good at. meant for. too brash, too loud, too much. pretending otherwise never got him far in life, grenade ready to blow. best not hold on. chuck never expected to make friends in his line of work, but some cunts stick. for better or worse.
ray / template / quote
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leeshajoy · 4 days
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It is a damn good thing fictional characters are tools to tell a good story and not real people with real thoughts and feelings, because otherwise the act of writing would be just about the most unethical thing a person could do.
– Red, from Overly Sarcastic Productions' "Trope Talk: Cosmic Alignments"
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