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b0ba-chan · 4 years

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Haikyuu boys as messages I have received/sent on Tinder

There is no reason to this

Karasuno

Daichi- Cuz i’m a pervert with a big cock?

Sugawara- Hey, I’m a teacher and I’ve always wanted a TA as beautiful as you

Nishinoya- aye what’s poppin. U wanna kick my balls?

Tanaka- strictly on that gang shit always stay hyped all men are equal some just work harder (add emojis)

Kageyama - I want to hug you. Why?

Hinata - sorry im late i was walking my betta fish

Tsukishima - I’m a cold guy I don’t have much feelings because my past and so I don’t know why my heart gets faster when I see your picture and have a feeling I think that is dumb.

Yamaguchi- call me biodegradable because i break down easily

Nekoma

Kuroo- I’m a virgin with whore mentality

Yaku- it feeds into the complex of being a dominant and protective person even though i'm 5’3 with no muscles to protect anyone or even myself.

Kenma - you would look hot as fuck with a strap on

Lev- can i be honest? I’m used to the boring plain jane white girls. I don’t know your ethnicity but you are one hot brown animal I can’t lie.

Fukurodani

Bokuto - *snuzzles you* :3 hi zaddy *sits on your phat cock*

Akaashi - I don’t have a chance but I’ve also had a crush on you for some time now. The way you articulate and put words together is also something I’ve always admired about you.

Konoha - Oof ur pretty

SMH don’t reply then thot

Aoba Johsai

Oikawa - peg me. I’ve got toys and stuff I’d love to be ur snap slut until then.

Iwaizumi- I would pay you hundreds of $ just to have you watch my 10” cum on snapchat. Serious offer.

Matsukawa- we’re a perfect match if you also somewhat hate yourself but simultaneously think you’re a little better than everyone.

Hanamaki- ik it’s weird but do u know some1 who will take my virginity?

Kunimi- once i got high and i went home and i was looking in my mirror and i held my breath until my face turned red and burst out laughing because my face looked so funny that color. So i kept holding my breath to make my face change color and eventually felt my legs start to shake and i passed out

Kyotani- *grinding my heel into a mans face* all men are my slaves

Shiratorizawa

Ushijima- Hello beautiful. You’ve got a cute smile. So how are you doing by the way? I hope you’re in good health? Stay safe.

Tendou - your nose was forged from the transmutated soul of a martyr, smelted within the pink fire of a void smelter under the guidance of a fire elemental, smithed by elves and valkyries during a blood moon, reinforced with a memory alloy, molded to match a sorceress’ nostrils, cooled with a mermaid’s tear, frolicked on by fairies, kissed by a goddess of love, and blessed by a druid to show off a heavenly sparkle!

Semi - I wish I could fuck you really harf.

You are so sexy damn

Hard *

Inarizaki

Atsumu - Speaking of consent, when wake up, the first thing I see better be your ass in my face

Suna - You cute but lowkey just tryna fuck

Osamu - *starts dry humping you*

Other

Futakuchi - You look like my ex...

Gao - Need a daddy with a thick cock?

Terushima - *insults me* *I fire back* lmfaooo i was drunk last night when i sent that i didn’t realize how mean it sounded i was trying to be quirky

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babyybitchhh · 4 years

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Alright, so now that I’m sober I realize I answered that one ask all wrong and also I threw down enough names for a fiveway, not a foursome so ... embarrassing. My inner thot really illiterate, huh? Smh go back to school and learn to count bitch.

My real answer: Shikamaru get the pussy because he’d want to be on the very bottom anyway but also I feel like his dick was made for hitting that g-spot just right when ya girl on top. That shit will have you seeing stars on a good day but the added penetration from the back? Hng. Bitch you bout to be cumming nonstop.

Kakashi get the booty because, first of all, I know he’s about that life. He looks like someone who’s biggest fantasy list would have anal right at the top next to (you guessed it) threesomes. He had two girls in mind but this is fine too, and I know he ain’t shy about knocking on the back door. Biggest hurdle here is that he’s thick, god, I know that man packing, so getting himself inside your tight ass is going to take some work. But that’s exactly why Shikamaru is on pussy duty and it’s thanks to him that you’re relaxed and doped out on endorphins enough for Kakashi to stretch out your puckered little hole. Also, the delicious burn of having your asshole played with added to the blinding pressure on your g-spot is absolutely going to have you shaking through one orgasm and right into the next so buckle up bitch, it’s gonna be a long night.

Last but not least Yamato gets the neck in my dream foursome for a few different reasons. One is that I don’t think he’d be into butt stuff, giving or receiving. Just doesn’t seem like something he’d be up for. Second is that Shikamaru really does have the kitty on lock and he’d probably be real smug about it too. No one else is getting near your pussy if he has anything to say about it (totally not because taking up any other position would require him to put forth effort. Nope. That’s definitely not what he’s thinking. 😗) Biggest reason though is that Yamato is mad into face fucking and you’ll have to pry that opinion out of my cold dead hands. I don’t remember which blog I saw it on, but someone definitely put the thought in my head with a HC list for him and I had one of those ... you know what, you’re right and you should say it moments. Anyone else might be kind of salty that they don’t get to have their way with your body like the other two but not this man. Oh no. He’s going to fuck your mouth just like if it were a second pussy and if you don’t think he’s gonna go just as ham as the rest you’re sorely mistaken. Only drawback is that, because of how enthusiastically he’s going to go at your throat, he’ll have to stand sort of to the side and have you crane your head around so that all the drool leaking out of your mouth doesn’t get on Shikamaru. Sex is messy, especially sex with multiple partners, and he gets that but that doesn’t mean he wants to be coated in spit for the foreseeable future. 🤷‍♀️

Im sort of thinking all this goes down on a couch or a big comfortable ottoman. So like, Shikamaru sprawled out under you, groping your tits and playing with your clit to make you writhe between them and really drive you crazy. Kakashi working himself over your back, pressing his chest flush against your spine so he can kiss and nibble at your neck. Once he had you loose enough to really go to town, he’d bring his foot up and brace it on the edge near Shikamaru’s hip so he can sink himself into your ass straight down to the base. At some point he’d throw caution aside and just climb all the way up, hunching over your prone body and fucking into you like a dog in heat. This is the point where the clap clap clap of his stomach smacking against your upturned ass cheeks would be at its loudest. Meanwhile Yamato’s standing over the three of you, just to the side of Shikamaru’s shoulder, holding your face in his big hands and keeping you in place while he alternates between fucking your mouth in quick, shallow thrusts that leave you feeling like a well used onahole and long, drawn out thrusts that have his cock wedged inside your throat with his silky soft ballsack pressed tight against your chin. He’d pause to give you a breather every few minutes and messily smear the spit on your face, letting you moan and wail freely into the heavy air before silencing you with his cock again. Everyone’s real good about staying focused on the task at hand (which is fucking your brains out) and they easily find a rhythm that feeds off one another and never leaves you feeling empty or an orifice unoccupied for more than a second or two at a time. No jealousy or macho posturing here, which is exactly why these three are The Chosen Ones. They’re each laid back enough that I know we could have an amicable fuck fest without someone trying to upstage the others or start shit because “I want to fuck her pussy too”. Everyone’s happy with what hole they’ve got and overall it’s just a good time.

Side note: I don’t entirely recant my initial answer which included Asuma in this game of sexy Twister but remember what I just said about everyone getting along without any macho posturing? Yeeeaaah. Knowing how much Shikamaru looks up to his sensei, I can easily see it either turning into something of a pissing contest where he tries to match Asuma’s energy or show off, really trying to make his own sexual prowess stand out in front of someone he genuinely admires, OR he’s gonna feel some kind of way about his dick game and put himself down about not being what he’d no doubt perceive as being “better”. We all know Shikamaru can be kind of hard on himself at times, that just comes with the Virgo package where he expects nothing but the very best out of himself, so I can see it potentially turning into a small problem.

But also consider Asuma “teaching” Shikamaru how to fuck you properly. Giving him pointers and smugly telling him you’ll like it if he does this or that, and then showing him by example. 🥴 Imagine being their little guinea pig while they take turns trying out different techniques on you, treating you just like a living breathing sex toy and using you solely for these lessons. Big nut tbh and I’d be straight up lying if I said I’m not also thinking about some father son bonding time in the same vein with Shikaku, hrrrrnnng. I’m here for it today.

#naruto #shikamaru nara

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peachymhaechan · 6 years

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“That’s new.”

Genre: fluff, soulmate au

Warning: language is that of a sailor’s

A/N: this is the second in the lil soulmate au series i’m writing this summer!! ten is one of my main bias wreckers (let’s be real tho- i’m a damn thot and all of nct attacks me on the daily) and this kiLLED ME. hope you enjoy!!

everyone has different soulmate quirks

your best friend only saw black and white until she met her s/o, then she saw the world in color

your parents had what you called the High School Musical quirk, where when one got a song stuck in their head, the other got the same song stuck in their head

all of your friends had these really cool and cute quirks

meanwhile, yours was.... odd to say the least

your quirk happened to be piercings

you just,,, got a piercing out of the blue

whoever your soulmate was, he or she loved body modifications

whenever your s/o would get a piercing, you’d get the same piercing

weird, but that was your life, man

the first time it happened was An Experience

imagine: you chilling in class, listening to a boring ass lecture,

when you feel a sting in your ear

and you reach up to see what the dealio is

and ?? you feel an earring ?? and blood ?? uhhhhhhhhh

nobody is paying attention to you so you just,, sat in the back of the class in a mini panic like ?? ! what the fuck !! what the complete fuck just happened !!

finally, a tiny bit of blood dripped onto your desk and you were like // gotta blast // and done straight up bolted

you ran to the bathroom and found that you did, indeed, have a random ass piercing in your cartilage

“cool but what in The Complete Fuck”

so you took a picture of it just to prove to your friends that you weren’t insane

and then took it out and that was the end of it, right?

wrong

this bitch wrong. yeet!

three days later, after you had forgotten about the mystery that was your lil piercing, it came back

except that time, you were at family dinner

you were chowing down when you felt it again

“-and then I got stuck in traffic on the way to work, and.... is your ear bleeding?”

you felt your ear and sure enough, there was an earring and your ear had that tingly numb feeling any time you get a piercing

“is there an earring there?” you asked, already knowing the answer

“Y/N what the hell?”

you didn't know any more than your parents did so you shrugged in a what-can-ya-do? way

“It happened a couple of days ago in class but I didn't think anything of it, so I took the earring out and, well.... it came back, I guess.”

“Hon, I’d hate to break it to you, but I think that is your quirk,” your dad said, to which you thought ???

hol up, this don’t add up

it really did tho and you were just being a dumb thot oof

don't worry, i’m a dumb thot, too

“I mean.... okay, I guess.... sounds fake, but..... whatever.....”

and lo and behold, you kept getting piercings

it’d be at the most random (and inconvenient) times

taking a final? that sucks man, it’d be a shame if someone //got some body modifications done//

at a funeral? shit bitch, you ain’t special, get some work done on your lobe at the viewing

tryna take a phat nap? tough luck, you won’t be able to sleep on your side for another week bc your soulmate was a grade A asshat

you had no idea who your soulmate was, but you did know that they had good taste in piercings

little did you know, he thought the same thing

there were a few occasions where he would be in dance practice and would have to stop bc?? ow ?? new earring??

but also,,, you’d be a dick back to him and would get piercings at ungodly hours of the night

let’s just say... you quickly became an expert on how to safely and cleanly give piercings

you, at four in the damn morning: this is for getting one done when I was in the middle of a presentation worth 40% of my final grade, you nasty thot

SM started promotions for their new group called NCT U

all of your friends became obsessed with the group and you were strung along with them

when the music video for The Seventh Sense was released, you found yourself drawn to one member in particular

his name was Ten and holy shit

that boy could dance

you immediately chose him as your bias and you thought, “okay, this is nice, but also the end of it.”

wrong again!!

your friends (who were amazing, btw) managed to score tickets to a meet and greet the boys were having

the couple of weeks beforehand, you were getting ready okay

mentally preparing, like //holy shit, dawg//

then the day came

you woke up and looked in the mirror and thought, “My ear is looking a little boring. I have some space right there, might as well fill it.”

so, you being you, picked up your needle (DISINFECTED, OF COURSE!! In this house we SAFELY give ourselves body modifications!!) and went to town

ngl you were feeling yourself, lookin all cute or whateva with that new sassy piercing you had going on

it wasn’t too over the top but it was enough for you to feel like you were going to walk in the building, get swarmed by paparazzi, and shut the place down

you know the feeling^^

the time for the meet n greet rolls around

you were incredibly nervous

I mean, hello?? meeting ten?? scary shit, dude

you got in line and met all of the other members first

damn sm had to put him on the very end smh

but when you got there

oh man

you were suuuuuuper fuckin nervous dawg

full on shaking, blushing,,,, a whole ass mess

he grabbed your hand and gave you that reassuring smile of his (you know the one)

“Are you nervous?” he asked, chuckling a little bit

Him on the outside: confident

Him on the inside: panicked, omg the person standing in front of me is so beautiful, they’re literally quaking omg how do I calm them down

“Just a little,” you sheepishly told him, not even trying to hide it

He took both of your hands and interlaced your fingers and

holy shit

your hands fit perfectly together??

uhhhhhhh did somebody say #meanttobe??

you guys talked for a bit

it was mainly just you telling him like

hey i’m a big fan!! I really love you, very much!! your dancing is actually beautiful and it’s inspiring to see someone who is so passionate at what they love doing just that, doing what they love!!

and the whole time he sat there and went full damn uwu

he thought, “I can sit here all day and listen to them talk.”

but unfortunately the meet and greet couldn’t last forever :(

just as you were about to go, you noticed something, though

his piercings were

different??

you had seen pictures of the boy from the day before and something was,,,,, off

you finally realized what it was, tho

“That’s new,” you said, pointing to the earring that just,,, popped up overnight

the piercings you had were the exact same

“Hey, if you don’t mind me asking.... when did you get that one done?” you asked, and you saw something in his eyes click

“It popped up this morning...… Why?” he answered, secretly hoping You Were The One

lucky for him :)

you touched your own ear

“Because I gave myself this piercing this morning...”

something in his eyes told you that he knew

he knew that you were his soulmate

his heart was beating so fast

he dropped his fake flirting persona immediately bc ya know

why would he want to be like that with the person he’d spend the rest of his life with ??

ten leaned in close and whispered, “write your phone number down.”

homeboy decided to shoot his shot!!

it worked, bc you quickly scribbled down your number on a piece of paper and handed it to him

the meet and greet couldn’t last forever tho and before you knew it, the staff were forcing you to leave

before you left, ten gave your hand one last squeeze and you were rushed away:(

you left feeling very ?.!

before you went to bed that night (not that you were going to bc hello?? that shit seriously happened today!!)

you got a text from an unknown number

“hey, this is ten! just wanted to say hi and that i’m glad I got to finally meet my soulmate!! also- sorry sm forces us both to get so many piercings all the time lol”

your heart was beating out of your chest

full uwu bitch

bc yes !!

you were ecstatic to finally meet your soulmate, the person you would spend the rest of your life with

and you were ecstatic to meet the boy with the beautiful piercings

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nymph-net · 7 years

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ISSA STORYTIME

Ok I’m bored so ima tell y’all a wild ass story that happened to me first semester of my college experience; the story of when I got laced by a wild thot with some CRACK. Let’s get into the tea gorls

So I went to art school for communications design. I dont go there no more because it was hella racist, but a different story for a different day. The campus I went to was way up north, in Utica. Never heard of it? Didn’t think you would. Just imagine if the worst neighborhood in Detroit was an entire town with like no people and cows. I don’t know about y’all but at my school we had this thing called late night where we get snacks and shit in the cafeteria after dinner. I was one of 6 black boys in my entire school so it was always dry. So this particular late night I had got a pink wig and started fucking around and giving these crackers some life to entertain myself. My extra ass being who I was did stand-up for the entire night. Since it was early in the school year tho I aint really have no solid friends, so the people who I was gonna go smoke with finished their food and left me like some fucking snakes. When I was done I was deep in my feelings lol because bitch.....you gon spark up.....without me???

I was like “y’know what idgaf, I don’t need you niggas” because I’m likable, right? I could talk to anyone I wanted and make friends. That’s what my dumb ass thought even though I knew damn well these all were some back woods ass white people from Cousin Fucker Nowhere. So I’m standing in front of the dorms like “ok, if I was a white person who loved giving free weed to negroes, what would I look like?” and as though Satan himself heard me, this girl wearing dem Jerusalem B.Cs (you know what I’m talmbout) and a bright jacket that had to be from the thrift store because it smelled like pickled dick and horse radish extract walked past. I was like DING DING DING, gotcha Becky!! So I was like “omg hi sis, I always see you in class and I think your style is so cool blah blah” and all that fake shit. Naturally Linda felt gassed af and immediately offered to let me smoke with her. Yeah, yah boi got it like that.

But mama ain’t raise no fool and I seent Get Out so I don’t go nowhere with a white person without at least one other poc with me. So this couple I’m good friends with now was walking out of the dorms, we just gon call them Peanut & Jelly. They were quiet and both shy people so they didnt hang out much yet. They were also native and latino which was good enough for me so my loud ass was like “Aye, y’all smoke??” it’s 2017 so of course they smoke and I invite them to come smoke some of Margret's weed. Consider it reparations. Since they ain’t have no friends they were happy to come join us. Smh y’all if you see this I’m so sorry I got y’all into this lmao. Anyway Trisha was like “Super duper the more the merrier, let’s go :))” with her wild ass. But I remembered I still had some of my own weed left so we ran to my room and got it, but I ain’t have no bag to carry it in. So Ingrid said “Oh, I have a bag you can put it in” and pulled out this ashy ass ziploc bag. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE. But my clueless ass thought she just had some plaster or some shit in there before since we went to an art school. Smdh.

Shortly before we depart Peanut and I are getting everything together and making sure there’s no smell. While this is happening Jelly watches Rebecca spread some “dust” on her gums. RED FLAG NUMBER TWO. This nigga thought it was candy dust or something. No one in this equation is particularly bright. But anywhore, we started making moves to this parking lot/roof that we usually hung out at. I was hoping my friends fake asses would be there so I could ditch Jill’s ass. Peanut & Jelly I ain’t mind because they were cool once you got them to talk. I could tell they weren’t feelin Harriet tho lol and tbh neither was I but would your ass turn down a completely free spark up??? Didn’t think so. We get to the roof finally and I start checking my jacket to find I forgot my mini bong in my room. So Elizabeth is like “Oooh awesome we can smoke out of my pipe!” and I’m like lol you bougie ass bitch just call it a bowl. But my fake ass just said “Litty gorl, load that shit up!” thats exactly what I get. She starts loading her “pipe” up and I notice both my weed and hers lookin a lil ashy. AND THATS RED FLAG NUMBER THREE

It’s like 11 at night tho and we only had street lights so I didn’t wanna call Susan out and end up lookin a fool if it was nothing. So I just let her do her thing and pull out my lighter so we can make it do what it do ya feel? So we smokin and I’m having a pretty good time. I feel proud of myself and shit for scamming little Mary Ellen and getting a full spark up after my niggas rolled out on me. I’m like “haha bitch you did that and you high as fuck”. Me being the funny nigga I am in my head, I make myself laugh. Then I realize for someone who smokes pretty regularly and only had two hits, I was already shmizzed for some reason. I look over at Peanut & Jelly and both them niggas lookin like

“Already??? Huh, that’s weird”, young nigga Kam thought to himself. But once again it was free weed so I shut my Nancy Drew ass up and let it go. Debra passes the “pipe” to me and I hit it harder this time because I ain’t pay for it so ima get mines. Because I hit it so hard I kinda taste it and bitch, that shit tasted like Mary J. Bliges leather boots and plastic. So I’m like “yo Amanda, what’s good with your bowl the weed taste weird?” And it ain’t like weed has a particularly good taste but I know it damn sure don’t taste like that. Emily proceeds to say “I don’t think anything’s wrong with the weed, might be the other stuff tho” As soon as she said that shady shit Peanut and I’s heads snapped to look at her like “Bitch....what other stuff??”

Jelly at this point is checked the fuck out, like this nigga is walking through space or some shit. That might just be him tho cause that nigga always acts weird when he high smh. That ain’t the point tho. This raggedy Ann ass hoe starts giggling and laughing like someone said something fuckin funny. I’m sitting there confused and high as shit still got the fucking pink wig on, Peanut got her ass riled up and with good reason because we both know we just asked ole girl a question. So Peanut says one more gain “Did you put some shit in the fucking weed?”. By now I think Amber realizes the joke is nay and she’s close to getting stomped out. Here comes the climax of the story y’all. This bitch gon roll her eyes like we being extra and say “lol it’s fine, we just smoked out of my crack pipe and I haven’t cleaned it yet” When I tell you the entire world went silent, I heard SZA wheezing into her microphone miles away. My ass, Peanut ass, and even Jelly incapacitated ass was all like

“...wut?”

Jelly just started laughing like he just heard the funniest thing ever in his whole life. Peanut was staring at Tina like she was preparing her alibi for the police when they find that lil girl’s body. And me, you ask? I was just thinkin bout my girl Whitney. Like sis, is this how it started for you? I was looking at Rachel all hurt. Et tu Becky? All a nigga wanted was some weed and now my ass sitting on a roof high off crack. Suddenly time returns to normal and the only thing my faded ass can muster is a “Pardon me???” Helen continues to chuckle like she Tiffany Haddish up in this bitch and tells us that she smokes crack and weed out of that bowl sometimes, and that we had placed the collective weed in her coke bag. Jelly stupid ass still in the corner laughing to keep from crying because I knew that baby voiced nigga was scared. I’m so astounded at this point that I can’t even drag this wild ass bitch. Peanut however, is not me. Lort I never seen anyone but my momma yolk somebody up so fast! She smooth slid across that asphalt like

Grabbed Ellie, and said “BITCH HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?? ARE YOU SERIOUS??” and started shaking that bitch like she was tryna give her shaken baby syndrome. Jelly managed to get himself together enough to try and keep his girl from going to jail. What was I doing? Well I knew I had a choice, I could help Peanut throw Taylor off the roof, or I could help Jelly keep our good sis from catchin a charge. So I chose the smartest option. MY ASS STARTED TO HIT FOOT.

That shit wasn’t none of my business no more!! Bitch the link up is over! The deck is DONE. I could already hear my momma belt whoopin my crack head ass in my mind, no thank you ma’am! My black ass was done for the night. As I’m running back towards campus I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around to find Jelly running behind me, dragging Peanut along by the hand. Chloe however, is nowhere to be found. I ain’t stop running tho. Was it fear, was it anger, was it the adrenaline pushing me to run? Nah I was on crack so it was prolly that lol. We run until we’re two blocks away from campus and I’m finally too tired to run, which surprised me because I always assumed crackheads were just like the enegizer bunny. So we’re catching our breath and I’m tryna keep from falling over because I feel hella whoozy, but I manage to ask “What happened to Bobby?” Peanut proceeds to tell me she took one good fist, and dropped Katy like a bad habit. I was proud of sis too because she’s twig thin and I thought she was meek af. We start walking back to the dorms and all 3 of us are just silent. Ain’t nobody got shit to say bitch we on crack. Peanut and I lived 2 doors down from each other so they go in her room and I go in mine after we say our good nights. I go in my room and my roommate is there with his boyfriend. Immediately my roommate is like “lol you’re high af” and my overly trusting ass gon tell him “This girl laced the weed with crack”. This cracker ass bitch gon look at me and say “oh really.....are you ok?” like I just got into a small argument. Like nigga....I GOT LACED WITH CRACK DO I LOOK OK???

So I sit down and start watching videos on my laptop to try and distract myself from my anxiety because a nigga was SHOOKT to the core. My roommate and his boyfriend were just watching me like I was a good ass episode of something. I don’t blame ‘em tho, I looked wild af. I was twitching, teetering, and sweating like shit even though it was late September in upstate New York. Now this fake ass bitch gon take a snapchat video of my crackhead ass trippin and put it on his story for everyone to see. Needless to say after that day ain’t nobody fuck with Molly ever again. One good thing did come out of it tho, Peanut, Jelly, and I became real tight after that. And what became of Becky you ask? She made sure to steer clear of all 3 of us and my friends lol because they threatened to cut that hoe. Moral of the story children? Don’t trust white people.

#storytime #story #black tumblr #i dont even know what to tag this as #text post #?#entertainment #idk man #just dont juudge me #weed #tw drugs

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