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yxstxrdrxxm · 1 month

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And that... Is the end of Flawed.

Or the one I hosted for my silly event here anyway.

[ TL;DR under read more: The lack of interest and stress I got from irl matters led me to drop the event and ending it early, but! I have a blog made for the sake of continuing/restarting the event.

Please vote on the poll if you want it to be catered to the reader or stick to Yesterday, and be unbiased, too. Vote what you want, and I'll try and make it happen.]

CONTEXT UTC:

So, I know you guys have a lot of questions, and I can't blame you. I know the biggest one in your mind right now, which is:

Why did I end Flawed early?

The reason why I ended Flawed was actually multiple. Please keep in mind that these are for my observations, and overall I'm not blaming anyone for this. I just noticed it and thought I should bring it up lol.

1. Writing for days burnt me out.

Although Flawed is a passion story/project of mine, writing so much burnt me out. And by a lot. There were days I struggled to think of writing because I have other commitments to do, and sometimes its why polls came out super late or super early. I tried to compensate for it by posting 1 poll a day, but when it didn't work, I pushed myself to make more for 1 day.

I wanted so badly for the whole event to flow like a CYOA because by next month (April), I won't be free to host this as I used to with OLC. However, in that process, I burnt myself out to the point I needed to take longer breaks/forget this event.

It sucks. I would not recommend doing this if you think you want to (because it is NOT worth it).

2. Interactions were... Lacking.

This event is interaction heavy, and the reason why is because you guys control the story that Yesterday and others are in. Naturally, this also affects the characters and how I shape Flawed from start to finish. I have a plot line for it, of course, but the interactions were... Not there.

I noticed the usual ones from my mutuals, sure, but there were moments that I felt like I was simply posting to no one. It was unfortunate during the time with Diluc, where I had hoped that some of you would go, but due to complications (ahem, the votes weren't able to decide on going when the deadline was up), I had to write how it's supposed to go with some... Changes.

It also made me feel sad to see that there weren't much (if at all) interactions to Yesterday. Tinuvion received a fair bit, which is nice because he's a little shit (please bully him lol), but Yesterday after the first week and a half just... Didn't get any. At least, in my records.

I'm not saying this to guilt you guys to interact more, but I am saying this because it feels sad for me to see that unlike OLC, this... Flopped. I had a lot of responses + moments planned if it took off that much, but... Oh well. There's always that one story that won't hit for everyone.

And finally:

3. Maybe you guys wanted it to be catered to you, not to an OC.

I had a feeling that, from the start, Flawed may not take off.

Unlike One Last Call (which was a matchup event + story), Flawed was a CYOA but you guys aren't the main focus/MC, Yesterday (my oc) is. I was hoping that with this method, you guys get to play the omnipotent voice and see how far the story can go until it's conclusion.

However, as I hosted the event for the next few days to weeks, I realized that it was simply too difficult. Maybe I wasn't prepared to host this type of format, as ambitious as it is, but I realized that maybe, you guys don't deserve this format and I should've made it catered to a reader insert instead.

It was hard for me to swallow the pill that this event may not be fun for the majority. I knew that having an OC be the MC + canon characters interact with them may be flaky at best (esp the whole OC x Canon being... well. very much a huge "oh dear"), but seeing minimal interaction/interest than my friends were (and people I admire, too. Hi Harmony! o/!!) and realizing that maybe I shouldn't have done this just... Made me regret it.

For that, I'd like to say:

I'm so, so sorry that this event failed. I'm very sorry if you guys expected it to be like OLC: about the reader/reader insert format.

I know it's not right for me to apologize, but I feel that I have to. I let all of you down, and I don't want you guys to be disappointed in something that you all don't like to see in this blog.

So I decided that I'll run this event in its own blog, but here's the thing.

I don't know if I should keep Yesterday in the blog.

I have to open up a poll for this, so here's the options you guys have for it's fate:

If you guys want it to be a reader insert game (aka you are the main star, not Yesterday), I will set up a menu to BUILD your personal darling.

This means that you guys get to decide how darling will look, the gender, their preferences, and even their job. However, this will be for your darling, and if darling dies, you can't use them anymore.

PROS: This is catered to the reader, and thus, you guys are the ones to choose your own destiny. I won't be the one to decide this time, and if the majority agrees on a specific option, your darling will do just that. This is also more open for variety + reader/canon interaction because I know some of you would have a lot of fun being able to see yourselves in the story.

CONS: When your darling dies, you get the chance to restart. However, the game will continue on with a new darling you guys will have to make and the stats reset to zero. The characters will also mention your past darling, and you'll have to restart from scratch. I still need to tweak this, but just know that it is VERY tricky for you if your first darling dies.

If you guys want it to stay the same (Yesterday is the MC), the format will remain the same.

This means what you witnessed here in the blog WILL happen on the other blog.

PROS: You guys get to either continue or restart with Yesterday's story, and with newfound knowledge, you get to choose more options that were previously unavailable. This also opens up to you all being able to essentially shape Yesterday's outlook + what'll happen to them, because you are the one guiding them to their happy ending.

CONS: This one does not offer a restart like the reader insert (one try only), and this could result to another "this'll flop because many people aren't interested". We've seen it happen here, so please decide wisely.

If you guys want BOTH, the format will be different as you have the option to build a darling (reader insert) or stick to Yesterday's story.

This means there will be a new system for both options to be available, alongside new menus!

PROS: You guys get to have a chance of an 'easy route' or 'hard route' and all of you can use your experience/s to get your desired ending for either one <3 go crazy lol

CONS: If you choose one of the two options for both, the latter will be locked. That's the only consequence I have for this one tbh.

So yes, I'd like to say thank you, and sorry for the fail of Flawed on this blog. I wish I could give you all the quality like in OLC, but there were... Too many things to consider. Sobs.

If you guys still want to continue, please lmk. I worked hard on Flawed and I still want to continue, but this time, its a permanent event and will be on my own pace.

Thank you for your support. Again. And I'll see you guys next time (be it a random fic or the next event <3)

#💌 ;; messenger writes #💌 ;; promising letter: flawed

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fizzyswirl · 1 month

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coming back hopefully one last time to say this.

I personally think the qsmp should take a hiatus, to fix everything, and start fresh without the eggs.

I know the eggs are very important to the server and to all of us. And as much as I'd like to see them again. I feel keeping them will only cause more issues and make the expectations high.

I feel restarting the whole server and doing things differently would be the best course after fixing the work problems. They also should let every cc choose to have lore and roleplay so because that is the reason for why the qsmp is Unfortuently failing. The eggs and the lore are together and because the eggs aren't around, no events are really happening right now and people aren't motivated to hop on.

If the qsmp were to fully restart without lore or at least where the admins are involved, I think it would be nice to at least have references of the eggs and even have statues to show the eggs. Like something to still include the eggs without including them.

Again I know they are every important but they honestly are holding down the server as the only reason the cc's are hopping on aside to hang out with friends and events are the eggs.

I'd prefer this over keeping them and I'm saying this as a Richas fan.

But if this were to happen I'd like the eggs to be given a final goodbye wether it's an announcement or on the server. Like just to conclude the whole sever being the eggs.

Like do how some servers did and add seasons, the eggs would be season 1 and potentially season 2 would be more improved hopefully.

I really want the qsmp to continue as it brought so many people together and brought cultures together as well.

I also would love to keep the eggs but they weren't planned to still be around they were supposed to last for a week or 2 (I forgot for how long) but we all fell in love with these eggs but we need to let them go to save the server and of course focus on the fixing the workplace behind the scenes.

But the question we all are probably wondering is that, if the server does make a return after a pause, what will keep the server something the cc's wanna continue to hop on? Like of course there will be events and activities, but like I said, the eggs were one of the main reasons people kept showing up.

Maybe have like npcs like there needs to be something that will help make the server still feel lively without the eggs and without the admins being in control of the server as with all is going on there needs to be a better solution as this seems to not be fixable but I know everyone wants this server to be saved.

And so I feel the eggs should get a conclusion and leave forever, we can say that they grew up and went on their own adventures and pretend they visit sometimes.

I love the eggs and love the server but the eggs can't stay any longer if the admin situation is not working out.

And I really believe Quackity isn't being malicious and has a really good goal with bringing people together, he just needs to learn from his mistakes and learn to better communicate with his employees like I don't think he's a bad person because he's only one person and this is the first time he fully is doing a big project that involves a team from around the world. This isn't easy as people may think as it has so many layers in a workplace.

But yeah this is what I think. Like I am not doomposting nore hating on anyone including Quackity as we dont know what's happening with him behind the scenes.

I will continue to watch the qsmp for as long as it does live and still will enjoy the cc's that I was introduced to.

Because of the qsmp I learned so much and been introduced to so many cc's and cultures/traditions and I learned a bit of French, Spanish, and Korean, and I understand a bit of Portuguese. Like I still don't know how to speak or read Portuguese fully but I am able to understand a bit more and even say some words and phrases that I adopted because of the server.

I don't want to lose this server as much as anyone and I want the cc's to still interact even if the server ends but if Quackity wants to save the server I feel he needs to conclude the eggs lore, take a server break, fix his team and rebuild it with more rules and start a payment system, and restart the server from the start and make the story different but maybe still have a round way for those with current lore to still continue as I know there are still lore going on like Fits, technically Pacs, and Bad.

But yeah this is what I think, I will forever love the eggs no matter what happens to them, and I love the server and proud of what Quackity brought to life and I feel this is the start of what Quackity's goal is which is bring differently cultures and languages together and break the languages barriers and hope that even if it does end I hope it encourages more ccs and people to bring more parts of the world together as I feel it can happen if we all try and give it a chance ❤

Here's one last photo of Richas (my fave ovo) and Empanada is also another fave egg also

#qsmp neg #qsmp #qsmp admin situation #Qsmp appreciation

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icey--stars · 1 year

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Stories To Be Told: PART 10

Series Index

A shadowsinger, a warrior, an Illyrian, that's what she was. Trained by one of the most formidable female warriors. Escaped the Illyrian camps and her clipping when she was barely sixteen and is now the holder of 6 siphons. What happens when she tries to sneak into the City of Starlight? And starts down a whole new road of chaos?

A/N: and WELCOME BACK! thank you all so much for your support. it truly means the world to me!! and remember- its every other day posting now, besides weekends because thats my break days lol

ps. i am way to lazy to write the entire time y/n was at her brother's and mother's place. so just imagine a lot of sucking up and pissing y/n off. (in other words, i dont need more characters to show development with lol) AH i can't wait to make you all suffer in anguish and wait after wednesday's post.

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

I was buzzing with anger as I flew back to the House. My mother and brother had tried so, so hard to get me to like them. They just made me hate them more by how desperate they were. Extra food, tours (which I blatantly refused) and all sorts of things. Gifts from my mother in the form of dresses. Knives from my brother. I hated it. I absolutely hated it. There wasn’t any escape either, unless I wanted to winnow away. I wasn’t willing to brave going into the camp. I stayed where I was, or I snuck into the forest for an hour to cool my anger down.

I flew through the better part of the day, rain starting to come down from midday. I ignored it, pushing through the wind and storm.

I landed on the balcony, soaking wet. I stalked inside, taking off my boots before I went into my room and set them by the window to dry. My leathers soon joining them.

I had just changed into a dryer set of clothes when a knock on my door made me flinch.

“Who is it?” I called.

“Azriel,” the male replied from behind the door.

I sighed, still feeling as if I was running on pure spite and then shook off my wings before opening the door.

“Yes?” I prompted, leaning against the doorway.

“How did your trip go?” He asked.

“It was fine,” I replied.

“Where’d you go if you don’t mind me being curious?”

“Illyria.” I looked back over my room for a moment, seeing if it was clean enough to open. I was startled to find my shadows curling over me still. They’d been silent mostly, for the entire flight and visit. I opened the door, pulling my shadows in to disappear.

“I went to visit people who aren’t my family anymore. Nothing big,” I said.

“You have… family?”

“Not really,” I sighed, opening the door to work on scrubbing my leathers dry and cleaning them. “They’re quite manipulative in my experience.”

“Ah,” Azriel sighed. “I can get that.” He didn't elaborate, and I didn't need him to.

“Did you need anything, or did you just want to know why I was gone?” I asked.

“Well, I was confused why you were gone, but I figured if you arrived during this storm, you’d like a couple clean towels.” He pulled a small pile of towels from behind his back.

I eyed them suspiciously before taking them and setting them on the bed. “Thank you, I suppose.”

Azriel stood there awkwardly for a few more minutes before he finally said, “I’ll see you later.”

As he walked off, I took one of the towels and used it to dry off my head and neck that was still dripping water, looking out the window at the moon and the stars beyond it.

Luckily, I didn’t get sick from my fly through the rain. I managed to dodge that bullet.

-----

“Y/N!” Nesta greeted me as I landed near them for training the next morning. “How have you been?”

“Fine,” I replied.

“Where’d you go, if you don’t mind me asking?” Emerie questioned.

“Illyria. My… old family asked for my presence. I’m not going back,” I replied hesitantly.

“Good. They don’t need to be in your life,” Emerie said. I nodded in agreement.

“Alright! Come on ladies!” Cassian called. “Glad to have you back Y/N, hope you’ve been practicing for the past week.”

I rolled my eyes.

The training was hard, but it also was a relief to be back, doing what I’d been doing the past months. Spring was nearing and the air was getting warmer, which was nice. Around this time I would settle myself in the middle of the forest instead of near a town to buy food. Spring was when all the critters started to come out.

During lunch, Nesta said, “so, does anyone have any plans for Starfall or are we all going to stare at the sky like last year?”

Starfall. The most beautiful night of the year. I remember watching it at the camps and missing it dearly in the Winter Court. I’d been watching it hanging onto the tops of trees recently, but I’d heard that the best place to view it was in Velaris.

“How about you Y/N?”

I realized I’d zoned out the conversation and shook my head to clear it. “I’ve no plans. I’ll enjoy seeing it from here though.”

Emerie smiled. “It’s beautiful. Do you plan to wear anything nice?”

I pursed my lips. “Not a dress,” I replied. “I’ll probably find something a bit different though so I don’t stand out.”

“Cassian always ends up wearing just a nice black dress shirt, so you could get away with that,” Nesta offered.

“It is hard to find dresses that work for wings, so I get that,” Emerie chuckled. “Everything tends to be harder to get on. I might be able to help if you need it."

I nodded in agreement. “I’ve never been the type to wear dresses. Never have actually. I wore a skirt in the Winter Court once, but it wasn’t to my liking, just too limiting on movement. And I might just take you up on that offer Emerie."

“Makes sense,” Nesta replied. “Though if you ever want to try, let me know because I am so going to be there.”

I chuckled. “Will do Nesta.” I finished up my food, standing up. “Alright I have work, see you all tomorrow.”

They waved me off as I walked off down the hallways.

Azriel met me on the balcony and I almost groaned. What did he want now? At this point, all he did was worry over me. Or act all awkward and weird. I prepared myself for a snarling match.

“Y/N, Rhys would like to have a word with you after work. Just at the River House by the Sidra,” Azriel said.

I eyed him a little big longer before replying, “Alright, I’ll make sure to meet with him. Anything I should prepare?”

“He didn’t tell me anything.”

I sighed, a little disappointed about not knowing what to expect. “Alright then. Anything else?”

Azriel shook his head. “Don’t end up in the harbor again,” he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes before flying off toward the docks.

I wasn’t tasked to use my wings luckily. It’d become a habit of my boss to exploit them. Instead, I lifted boxes and carried them onto ships just like the rest of the dock employees.

I managed to find the River House without fail, landing outside as I passed through the wards. The House of Wind had wards, I knew, but I’d gotten used to them. These were… different. Stronger somehow and more reinforced.

I knocked on the door and it opened to reveal my High Lord.

“Ah, Y/N. Great to see you. I had a couple things to discuss with you if you’ll come with me?” Rhysand asked.

I nodded, and he held the door while I walked inside and then led me through the halls to a smaller room. An office. It had papers scattered everywhere, while some remained neatly stacked. Others were ripped. But there was ink on the desk and a bookshelf, which made it less intimidating in a way.

A stool magically appeared at a snap and as Rhys took the one at his desk, I took the stool, facing him. My wing twitched with nervous energy. What was he going to ask?

“So,” he began. “I’ve heard from your brother that you visited him recently, yes? And your mother.”

“Not really my family, but yes. That’s where I left to visit. Faxon and Merle.”

Rhysand nodded. “Alright. It seems that Faxon, the head guard there, has made a mistake. He mentioned you to the lord there, Ambroz.”

I shivered at the name, holding back a snarl. Oh, for so long I’d wanted to tear that male apart. The one who tried to clip me. The one who ruined everything. My plan, my life, my memories, my mind, and so many other little parts of me.

“I understand you have some not so pleasant memories with him, but he’s offered to apologize to you, wanting you to visit. I want to know if I should be concerned for your safety.”

My leg started to bounce and I held it down with my hand.

“Ambroz isn’t the type to apologize. He’s the type to act irrationally. I barely knew him during my time in Ironcrest, but you learn a lot about a male who ruined your entire life. You don’t have to be concerned about me, but perhaps just a bit concerned for how things may fall out if I don’t visit. If I do, which I can, it probably will end in bloodshed on both parties.”

“I see. I don’t have a particular liking for that male. And because he hasn’t committed any outright crimes, I can’t condemn him. No matter how much I want to. I was wondering if perhaps you’d be willing to visit and find a way to… make him come clean about something or commit a crime. He’s causing problems all across Illyria. I’d rather like to kill him if I could. Clipping would warrant that.”

“If anyone is going to kill him, I’m doing it. Or any female in that camp that I knew,” I said, holding back the growl in my voice.

I paused, and then observed, “So you want me to manipulate him into coming clean.”

“Should you want the killing blow, it’s yours. And yes. I do,” Rhysand spoke. “I’ve been trying to have Azriel do it, but Ambroz doesn’t particularly think he can manipulate Az. He does, however, with you.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, my knee bouncing against my hand, even despite the strength I put forth to keep it down- “I’ll do it,” I said loud enough for him to hear. “If only to get the opportunity to kill him.”

Rhysand nodded in understanding. “Faxon offered housing. Though I have an inkling you don’t exactly want it, so I’m offering for you to stay two hours north, in Windhaven. My mother’s old residence is there.”

I nodded. “That would be great, but I don’t really know where that is exactly.”

“That’s why I’m sending Azriel with you. He will stay out of your way, but act as some sort of body guard, while doing extra work for me,” Rhysand explained. “That isn’t an issue, is it?”

I tensed but replied, “not an issue my lord.”

That bastard had lied about knowing nothing. He knew.

“It’s just Rhys, but I’m glad you find that agreeable. How soon do you think you could leave?”

“Anytime,” I replied. “Just give me tomorrow morning and I can leave whenever.”

Rhysand smiled. “Leave tomorrow then. The sooner you finish, the sooner it’s done. Azriel has a mental link with me he can use to tell me when to come down. That will be when Ambroz finally fucks up.”

I dipped my head. “Sounds good.”

I flew out of that house feeling rage boiling my blood slightly. “You knew,” I deadpanned at Azriel, who was standing on the balcony, quietly observing the city below us.

“Yes,” he sighed.

“You lied,” I observed, seeing if he was going to argue.

“Yes, I did. It was Rhys’s job to inform you of the mission. Did you accept?”

“Yes, we leave tomorrow.”

Azriel nodded. “We’re traveling by shadow to Windhaven. You can get out your nerves during the flight to Ironcrest. To send a message like daemati, tell a shadow a message to repeat to me. Only we can hear it.”

Azriel was in full spymaster, planning mission mode it seemed. It made it slightly easier to talk with him. Without all his... interesting behavior

I nodded, despite having a spike of anxiety about using my shadows. There was no telling how long this trip might take, and I’d have to have my shadows out the entire time just to make sure I was intimidating. I had to make sure people took me at least partly seriously.

Distantly, I wondered where the hell all my pissed off energy towards this male had run off to.

“Keep the negative from flowing into your power. That’s the best way I can describe it. Create a wall, similar to a mind shield between it and your shadows,” Azriel explained. “I’m going to trust that you can hold your own against the males in the camp should things go south. Can you winnow very far?”

I knew what he was talking about. The hard thing was doing it. But at least I had an idea on how.

“I can winnow to the human lands if I wanted to,” I replied.

“Good. And if there are wards, pray to all the gods that you don’t die,” Azriel finalized. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He walked off without another word. He was clearly focused and prepared for a mission like this. Unlike me, who was just trying to do whatever the hell I was being told to do.

I sighed, and then walked to my usual area for dinner, sitting down with a huff.

There was always one thing I neglected to tell everyone about my shadows. Something I'd avoid telling anyone until my final days if I could.

Wards… wards usually don't matter to me. I can feel them, and I can pass through them, but if there are wards that stop me from doing things, most often, under intense pressure, I can indeed still use my shadows. I didn’t know if Azriel could as well, and it might very well be a “me” thing, but if there are wards and I am trapped, I can escape still. Maybe alone, but there are worse things in life. After all, I'd escaped alone without Rainne. Losing someone I was pissed off at would be easier.

My shadows were my secret, I told myself. I wasn’t obligated to share what I could do, especially when angered. There was more I could do, but I didn’t know if Az could do them as well. But I knew the ward winnowing, slipping in between undetected, wasn’t normal. And someone might just kill for that power, to control it, or extinguish it.

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

TAGLIST: just comment to be added! in the future, i'll work on a taglist for all my works, but for now, its just this story. if i've already posted the next part, the notice will be a reply to ur comment and you'll be in the next one <3

@mis-lil-red, @bunnymallowo, @judig92, @biblophilefox82, @azzydaddy, @thegirlintheshadows101, @whatupmydudes01, @feyres-fireheart, @elizarikaallen, @xenlynn, @panzees-bizarre-adventures, @starswholistenanddreamsanswered, @baebeepeach

#azriel #azriel x reader #azrielxreader #acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar fanfic #rhysand #nesta #emerie #mywriting

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loversgothic · 9 months

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Maybe you've done it already and I missed it, but what would Gabriel's two-week-notice look like in the Ultradanse AU?

This has nothing to do with any other comments you have made about feral Gabriel or any other desire to see how he changes from The Gilded Nightingale to The Nightingale.

:3c. OOOHH. WELL

ive been really trying to think about that hard, since comparing the characters to those in fairytales and ballets tended to skew the story a bit.

and uh... my descriptions wont be the best.. im not the best at explaining things in ballet terms moreso just based on my perception of the art form and what i see in it through my eyes.

also im gonna go off of the concept that ultradanse is almost like a stage performance, a show

the most i can do to describe how it looks is to compare it to my vision for the first encounter with Odile/V1... because of the way i designed his lil costume he has a sort of princely look, and even though hes yknow. out to kill V1 because V1 traversed past his warnings, his dancing with V1 then is much more... poised. it might feel a bit distant, maybe it might even seem like hes unsatisfied doing it, as at the time there is no personal connection with V1, no love nor hatred. its not romantic, hardly so. i dont know if this is a good example, but i was thinking abt Prince Siegfried's dancing in Waltz: Tempo di valse...

once V1 is pretty much responsible for his 2-week notice, i like to think Nightingale/Gabriel starts to match V1's high energy, his grace is kinda going out the window... itd be much more intense. if its a pas de deux hes probably getting his fucking hands all over them like hes about to tear them apart. hes abandoning that princely facade. i feel like though in the second half a pas de deux between them would make them slow their pace. now that both of them are dancing together and able to match intensity, it starts to slow down into something more... romantic? yeah :3 i like to think this, this is where any romantic tension starts

now about how he changes from the gilded nightingale to the nightingale. you see... after their second encounter, Gabriel is convinced hes going to die, after all thats what he was told. once he returns from heaven, he seeks out V1 to ask of one final request. he doesn't want to die lonely, and asks V1 to dance with him until the final hour runs out. V1 has no reason to accept his request, other than something pulling at it do so and the possibility it could take a little bit more blood before he's gone. dancing together, progressively Gabriel becomes weaker and weaker.

i REALLY wanted to keep this secret for a scene i wanted to draw but honeeesttlyyyy i dont think its too bad if i share it. after all, im not sharing V1's feelings here. im sharing Gabriel's :3

i had this whole.. plan

my thing abt pas de deuxs is that. i like to find symbolism in the fact that traditionally, the male dancer is supposed to support the ballerina to be able to perform moves she typically wouldnt be able to on her own without someone holding her.

towards the end of their dance, V1 switches positions to hold and uplift Gabriel instead, who has this entire time been in the place of the male dancer. in his approaching final moments V1 lays him down on the ground. he's hardly moving, and V1 holds onto him, finding itself not wanting him to just... disappear.

now im still figuring out HOW i want this to work. but i thought abt V1 in desperation, grasping onto the sides of his helmet and ripping his helmet in half being the symbolic thing that sets him free. the thing about the gilded nightingale, is that the armor is the bird's cage. Gabriel's design in this AU only really has the helmet and no other armor, so it just... makes sense to me. this is what sets him free. how the transformation works though? i am.. still thinking about it. you might need to give me a bit to think about that

#im trying not to make that transformation magical girl esque LMAO BUT ITS SO HARD NOT TOOOOO #.txt #ask #sorry for rambling meoww #ultradanse au #crazy? i was crazy once #im considering redesigning ultradanse gabe a little again im not sure why

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femmeclefable · 3 months

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kind of just posting this to get my thoughts out there bc i dont know what happened to my physical journal

been feeling mighty anxious lads i dont rly know why. i'm not a particularly anxious person but today it's been like a steady pulse of anxiety all day long the whole day i've felt it. last week in therapy i explored how stress feels to me like a reverse lightning rod, or a plasma ball without the glass or something, like a rod with these huge beams of lightning shooting out and growing and developing offshoots and part of me has to keep the lightning at bay and not let any part of it grow too big. it kind of feels like that today, like there's so much lightning. i really like this analogy for stress. electricity (stress) can charge and (em)power, but too much can debilitate and paralyze. i've been having this horrible sense of inadequacy. i am smart enough to identify it as "imposter syndrome" but it won't go away. i thought this was the sort of thing that's supposed to go away once you know its name. rumpelstiltskin is supposed to run away. i'm supposed to say "oh i'm feeling this way because of imposter syndrome! i'm actually quite adequate and capable!" and it's supposed to go away. but it doesn't actually! i've been working on an application for a research fellowship and i have no idea how to describe my research. i published a paper and i have no idea what my research is. i have no idea how to approach research and i can't begin to imagine what i'll do next. i want someone to tell me what to do. i want a professor or advisor or someone who knows better to sit me down and say "emmy the next thing you will do is take a look at these films located in such and such archive and compile an argument about them." i think i could do that so easy. but now i'm supposed to be the person who takes care of that sort of thing. but i have no idea what i'm doing. i have no idea what my research is or what i can do for the institute i'm applying to. it's all so stressful. and i have to assume all these things are related. the anxiety, the inadequacy, the stress. bad feelings are back (in a major way). i chronically feel left out even when i'm not, or even when it makes sense that i would be. is there a name for when you're feeling chronically left out? does it need to have one? in therapy i call this part of me the black sheep, for obvious reasons i think. she's small and scared and lonely and so often i am her and she is me. i want her to be okay but it's so hard to reason with a feeling. i don't like when all these feelings well up like this. i don't like it one bit.!!!!!!!!! i havte feeling like a crazy person. i think the fact that i'm "not an anxious person" is kind of biting me in the ass bc i have developed 0 skills for handling anxiety

#pls dont reblog #also idk pls dont reach out about this #i'm just venting i guess

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 1 year

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QTA: Queer Teacher Alliance

so, homophobia ft. queer teacher alliance? incredible fic, I have gone back and reread that thing at least five times becuase the comfort is immaculate 👌 anyway, becuase of that, I have returned with another lil request for u to consider! after the whole homophobic argument mess, virgil has to get his class switched, and surprise surprise, his new teacher for that period is one of the other sides! (idk which one, any would be chill) I was thinking a couple little snapshots (maybe a sort of 5+1 deal except I dont know what the +1 would be haha) of v in that class, possibly a little h/c sprinkled in becuase i am a weak man with a primal need for soft things :) thank u very much for considering! I love reading your works, and I geeked out a totally reasonable amount when u answered my last request <333 - vinbee631

Read on Ao3

Warnings: homophobia

Pairings: none

Word Count: 3666

Virgil doesn't really expect much to change

Virgil doesn't really expect much to change. Come on, it's high school, they don't do much to take care of you. He thinks he'll be lucky to get away with that one day of being slightly coddled by his surprisingly accommodating also gay teachers and then it'll be back to grind.

But he gets taken out of all the classes he has with that teacher, Kyle, and Leslie.

He still has all the same teachers, just at different times. It's…honestly?

That would've been enough.

But then this week happens.

It starts off with art class. Mr. Dagenheart's introducing a new unit that's supposed to be about 'identity' or something super vague that's basically just an excuse for people to do whatever they want and bullshit something at the end. Of course there are gonna be some try-hards and people that are actually good at art that are gonna be amazing, but Virgil's just looking to coast through this and not try too hard.

Then come the whispers.

Gossip in high school spreads like wildfire, so it's no surprise that everyone knows why Virgil was transferred out of the other class. Don't get him wrong, some people came up to him and were very much all that was shitty and fucked up and I'm sorry, tell me if anyone else does that and I'll kick their asses, which was nice, but this is still high school and his standards are practically nonexistent after everything.

So when 'identity' gets dropped as the new theme, he's not surprised in the slightest when people start giving him little looks.

Fuck. Is this where I have to embrace my identity as the Gay Kid? Am I expected to make some big thing about how my 'identity' is being gay and all that shit?

I don't even like rainbows that much.

Even so, when everyone splits up and starts brainstorming ideas for what sort of art piece they want to create, Virgil finds himself idly writing the words 'gay' and 'rainbow' down on his piece of paper as he starts randomly sketching something reminiscent of all the actual good pieces of art he's seen.

"Virgil?"

"Oh. Hey, Mr. Dagenheart."

He takes a seat on the stool next to him. "That looks cool."

"Thanks. Totally didn't steal the idea from something sick I saw on Instagram yesterday."

Mr. Dagenheart snorts. The scratch of Virgil's pencil occupies him for a little longer before he silently points to the two words. Virgil glances up to see a silent expression that definitely means are you sure?

Glancing around to make sure no one else is looking at them, he lowers his voice. "Aren't I…supposed to?"

"Supposed to what?" Virgil nods to the words. "No, Virgil. You're not 'supposed' to do anything. If that doesn't feel like you, don't do it. That's the whole point."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. This unit's supposed to be—well, it's supposed to help keep the art budget low—"

Virgil snorts.

"—but no, it's you. Whatever bits of you that you feel comfortable putting into the world and sharing in this classroom. There's no right way or wrong way to do it."

He glances around too and leans a bit closer.

"And there's no one way to be gay, V," he says quietly, "it's okay."

Virgil looks back down at the piece of paper and slowly erases the word rainbow, but leaves gay.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Mr. Dagenheart nudges him. "What medium do you think you wanna work with this time?"

"…not gonna lie, I'm really tempted by your suggestion of just throwing paint at a wall."

"Now you're speaking my language."

But, sure. Mr. Dagenheart is Mr. Dagenheart. He's an art teacher, he can get away with being…well, himself.

But Mr. Mackenzie? Virgil expects it to be the whole 'we don't talk about this, we don't acknowledge it, we just be professional and don't concern ourselves which such things.'

So when quantum physics rolls around and Virgil's frantically trying to remember the difference between a quark and a lepton, he's really not expecting one of the other students to ask Mr. Mackenzie to make good on a promise.

"Come on, sir, you've been saying you'll explain why classical mechanics is heteronormative since we did constant acceleration!"

Hold up.

What now?

Mr. Mackenzie sighs, adjusting his glasses. "I did promise that, didn't I?"

A general clamor goes up around the classroom and he chuckles, raising his hands for quiet and moving through the presentation until he finds a slide on the double-slit experiment.

"Now," he says, "I cannot take credit for this idea or explanation. It belongs to an incredible person named Amrou al-Kadhi, who is also a drag performer under the name Glamrou."

"Go off."

"Oh, hell yes."

"I didn't have talking about drag queens on my science-class bingo card but I'm not complaining."

Virgil sits up a little more.

"But what the gist of their explanation is this: Newtonian physics—classical mechanics, is very strict and regulated. If I do A, B happens, and so forth. It's why I had you all study those formulae until you were sick of them." He smiles as a general grimace forms. "But once we get to subatomic particles, quantum physics, everything gets thrown out the window. It's why I told you to be prepared for me to make you angry when I explain how everything I just taught you was wrong."

He points to the slide.

"Now, we've just gone over this experiment, yes?"

A general 'yes' and Virgil nods.

"A key component of it is that electrons, which are particles, seem to behave like waves. Light behaves like both a particle and a wave depending on how it's examined. Classical mechanics tells us that it should go through either the left slit or the right slit but sometimes…" He gestures to the picture. "It goes through both, and we don't really understand why."

Something in his face softens.

"What al-Kadhi explains is that as queer people, we are constantly defying these sorts of regimented rules and 'laws,' so to speak. We question and search for answers in a world that doesn't want to make it easy for us to find them. So when you study quantum physics and find that the most fundamental of particles disrupt and disobey all the 'natural laws,' it can be somewhat comforting."

His eyes meet Virgil's for a moment and he almost smiles.

"Besides, I think it's far more interesting that explaining that if you push something off a bridge, it's going to hit the ground very hard."

The class laughs and Virgil laughs too. Huh…nonbinary physics…

"I definitely recommend looking up the video where they talk about it. It's an excellent understanding of a rather complex idea and they articulate it wonderfully."

"You should make that our next homework assignment."

"You know what, maybe I will."

But...sure. Okay. Fine. It's just an explanation or a one-off thing, right? It isn't like they're actually being taught that it's queer, it's just, y'know, a cool way of thinking about it.

History class isn't Virgil's favorite class, but it isn't his least favorite either. Maybe 'cause Mr. Everheart has this way of explaining things that actually makes it seem like one, he understands what he's teaching and two, that he respects you enough as an adult to tell you the truth.

"If you study history, there will be times when you're uncomfortable. There will be times when you're outraged. There will be times where you really don't want to study the things that you're studying," he'd said once, "and if you never have any of those feelings, you probably aren't studying history."

They're talking about recent American history and they get onto the topic of Reagan. Virgil mentally wills himself not to whisper what the fuck every two seconds as they start going through things, and then someone says this:

"Why is everyone so upset about Reagan's presidency? I mean, we survived it, didn't we?"

Mr. Everheart gets quiet. He takes his glasses off and polishes the lenses before putting them back on.

"You're right," he says lowly, "people did survive Reagan's presidency. In fact, most people you hear about survived Reagan's presidency. But what have we repeatedly said about history?"

"It's written by the victors?"

"Yes, but also by the survivors."

He sits up a little more and nods to the syllabus in front of him.

"I was planning to wait until we got there to bring it up, but I suppose we can do a little bit now. How many of you know about the AIDS crisis?" A few hands go up. "How many of you know how bad it was?"

Some of the hands go down.

"How many of you know what AIDS used to be called?"

The two hands that had been raised are lowered slowly. Mr. Everheart hums.

"Who can tell me what AIDS stands for?"

"Uh," says one of them, "it's like, autoimmune deficiency syndrome?"

"Close. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. This name came into popular use in 1982 when it was coined by the CDC. It went by a few names before then, but the most widely used—including by government officials and mass media outlets, was GRID. Any ideas as to what that stood for?"

A few people shook their heads. One person raised their hand. "General-Related Immune Deficiency?"

"No. Anyone else?"

When nothing follows, Virgil's grip on his pencil tightens.

"GRID stood for Gay-Related Immune Deficiency."

Shocked noises come from around the room and he holds up his hand.

"And because it mainly affected the queer community, people of color, and other disadvantaged socio-economic groups, almost no one took it seriously. The reason it still has the stigma it does is because of that. So we don't have a lot of that history because the people who would be a part of it, died."

Silence.

"Now, don't get me wrong. There are still people that lived and tell their histories. I encourage you to seek them out. I don't want to sound as if I'm saying that everything was lost, but I want you to think about why we don't hear about it. And why when we say we 'survived' things like Reagan's presidency, it's because the people who did, by and large, weren't at risk from it at all."

By the time he gets to Mr. Prince's class, he's just waiting for it to happen.

One of his favorite things about learning with Mr. Prince is that the man will go on tangents that have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with whatever he's supposed to be teaching them and then, fifteen minutes later, find some way to link it back to whatever they're studying and it is some kind of witchcraft. He also encourages people to just kind of talk at him when they think they've got something, which means everyone is taking notes from each other as much as they are from him.

But he wasn't exactly expecting it to come up like this.

"So," Mr. Prince says, "The Gay Gatsby—wait."

The whole class explodes into laughter as Mr. Prince pinches the bridge of his nose. Virgil can't help it, he joins in too, watching the shake of his head as he smiles sheepishly at them.

"Freudian Slip?"

"I mean," another student manages, "you're not wrong."

"No, I'm not. Matter of fact—how much time do we have left?"

"Like, ten minutes?"

"That's good enough. We're on schedule." He claps his hands and sits on the desk. "Gatsby: Gay or Not Gay? Discuss."

"Oh my god," Virgil's friend scoffs, "so gay."

"Pink suit? Fancy parties that he personally invites just Nick to? A weird compulsion to be with Daisy even though he obviously doesn't love her anymore?" Someone else throws their hands up. "That's a gay if I've ever seen one."

"Excuse you, this is disaster bisexual erasure and I will not stand for it."

"Also," another friend says, "are we gonna talk about how Nick and Jordan are gay-lesbian solidarity? They're both each other's beards."

"Wait, Nick's gay?"

Mr. Prince sighs. "Okay, honey, if you can give me a heterosexual explanation for whatever that missing scene is with Mr. McKee, I'll give you a 100 right now."

"No, no way, that's the most not-a-sex-scene sex scene I've ever read."

"Also, no straight man talks about another straight man like that."

"Isn't there a line where Jordan says that Nick looks like he's 'having a gay time' and then the next page is all about Gatsby's smile?"

"Putting aside the other use of the word 'gay,' yeah, no, this man is not straight."

"Pink suit, guys, pink. Suit."

"Also Tom hates him for some other reason."

"Wait, hang on." Virgil steeples his fingers in front of him. "Who's seen the movie?"

"Me."

"I have."

"Leonardo De Caprio's in it, of course I've seen it."

"Do you guys remember the scene with the party in New York with Tom and Myrtle and everything? You know that one line that Tom says about knowing Nick likes to watch and remembering that from college?"

"He says what?"

"Wait, wait, is that in the book?"

"No, it's not. They just put that in for the movie. What the f-heck was that all about?"

"Now, now," Mr. Prince says as the class starts to debate what implications that has, "let's cite our sources, shall we? Do we think this clip exists on YouTube?"

"Oh, it totally has to."

"Wait, can we watch it? Hell yes!"

He's staying behind on a Friday again, just to finish up this last part of the art thing he's doing for Mr. Dagenheart, when he looks up to see the rest of them come in.

"Uh. Hi?"

"Virgil, yes, Remus said you'd still be here." Mr. Prince waves. "How's it coming along? It looks great!"

"Uh, yeah, sure."

"Are you working through lunch?" Mr. Mackenzie tilts his head. "Have you eaten already?"

"Well, no, but Mr. Dagenheart said it was okay if I—"

Of course, then said teacher bursts out of the supply closet and scares the hell out of him.

"You guys brought food, right?"

"It's your week, Re."

"Oh, shit."

"Language!"

"Virgil," Mr. Mackenzie says quietly, "would you mind if we ate in here while you work?"

"Uh, no, that's fine, I don't care. I can, um, I can leave if you—"

"No, no, you're working. We'll try to be as minimally disruptive as possible."

Mr. Prince snorts. "Speak for yourself."

Mr. DeLuca smacks his shoulder and Virgil quickly tries to focus on his work again.

This is fine. This is fine. This is so fine.

"Virgil," Mr. Dagenheart calls, "remember, you can work in here as long as you eat, so chomp, chomp over there, yeah?"

"I remember!"

"Good."

Sure, Virgil thinks as he gets politely mother-henned by his queer teachers into eating lunch and taking a break from his work, this might as well happen. This week's already been so goddamn weird.

+1.

Mr. DeLuca is fucking scary.

He doesn't get mad in the I'm-gonna-be-loud-and-shouty way but he gets really quiet and really serious and cold, like he's gonna rip you apart with just his words and death-stare. And he's currently shredding two of Virgil's classmates over throwing temper tantrums about the homework.

Just shut up. Don't look up. Don't fucking move. Just stare at the numbers. Just look at the numbers.

"I have yet to behold mature and reasonable students," the icy voice says, "what I see are petulant, rude, obnoxious, ill-behaved children."

He's not talking to you. Just shut up and don't move and he won't look at you.

"Now that didn't have to happen in front of all of your friends and peers, but it did. Because you had to make fools of yourselves. Now, I understand that you have some studying to catch up on and all of you—"

Virgil just manages not to flinch.

"—have a test next week. I presume I don't have to tell you that it is mandatory."

A few brave souls whisper 'no, sir,' and there's a faint rustling from people shaking their heads.

"Mm. I suggest you get to it, then. You two—" don't flinch, not you— "will go and speak with Mr. Johnson, and I will join you in half an hour. Virgil?"

What the fuck did I do? Did I do something wrong? Shit, fuck—

"Stay behind for a moment."

A few of his friends shoot him pitying looks as they flee from the classroom. He takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders, sitting up straight as he puts away all of his math stuff. He's frantically running through his head of anything he could've done wrong—maybe his grades weren't as good as they should be, maybe he made a dumb mistake on the last homework—shit, was he talking too obviously in class? He was just trying to explain a thing—

He jumps when Mr. DeLuca sits down across from him.

"Did Mr. Everheart speak to you this morning?" Virgil nods. "So, you understand that the others are currently in a meeting with the Dean to discuss repercussions for the teacher who encouraged and participated in the homophobic bullying."

He nods again.

"What would you like to see happen?"

What? Excuse him? He doesn't fucking know. He shrugs.

Mr. DeLuca raises an eyebrow. "Conversations do work best when both participants speak."

"Sorry, I, um, I don't know, I—I didn't think anything would happen, so I, um, didn't think about it. Sorry. I don't know."

There's a pause, then he leans forward. "Are you alright, Virgil?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm good."

"Don't lie to me."

There's nothing in the world that could've stopped Virgil's flinch at that. He stares down at his hands. Fuck, fuck, what do I say? I can't tell the truth, what the fuck am I supposed to do? He's gonna fucking eviscerate me, he's gonna say I'm being dramatic, I can't—I can't—

The sudden scrape of a chair makes him flinch again, head jerking up to see Mr. DeLuca getting up and walking toward his desk. A hysterical part of Virgil's brain sees his hand flash near the ruler and truly panics, only for him to pick up a tissue box instead. He walks back over and places it on the table before crouching—crouching next to Virgil.

"What's wrong, sweetie," he asks in a soft voice that gives Virgil whiplash, "tell me?"

Don't cry. Don't fucking cry.

"I—I—um, I—"

"You look scared," he says when Virgil can't do anything more than stutter. Virgil nods shamefully. "Yeah? Is that it, you're just scared?"

Not much of a 'just' about it, but yeah.

"What's scaring you?"

Now, this is a trap. He has no idea what the actual fuck he's supposed to say, so he just stares at him. When Mr. DeLuca raises an eyebrow, he gestures feebly around at the classroom.

Confusion flickers across his face until Virgil sees him realize what he's so afraid of.

"Is it me," he asks quietly, "are you scared of me? Because of what just happened?"

Shame burns his face and he nods, trying to hide. Mr. DeLuca makes another one of those confusing soft noises and rests a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Virgil, I didn't mean to scare you. You're not in trouble, I'm not mad at you."

"I-I know." He sniffles and quickly wipes it away. "Sorry, I promise I'm not doing this on purpose. I'm not trying to be dramatic."

"I know, sweetie. It's okay." He nudges the tissue box closer. "If you need to cry, it's okay. Go ahead. Do you want a moment?"

"N-no, you can—you can stay."

And he does, gently rubbing Virgil's shoulder and letting him be a total fucking mess all over his table. It's weird and confusing and so at odds with the scary teacher who just humiliated two students for crying too and he's not gonna question it anymore.

"Listen," he murmurs when Virgil's all done with his meltdown, "I get mad when students throw fits and do things on purpose to try and get their way or draw attention to themselves. I do not get mad when people get upset and need to cry. And if anyone ever gives you a hard time or makes fun of you for needing to cry, you come and you tell me and I'll be scary at them, alright?"

"Okay."

He smiles and ruffles Virgil's hair. "Good. Why don't you and I sit here for a while and calm down, then we can talk?"

"…don't you need to go be scary?"

"You're more important right now. Mr. Johnson's used to handling those two. And, Virgil?"

"Yeah?"

Mr. DeLuca gives him a look. "I am happy to be scary for you if you ever need it."

Virgil frowns. "For me?"

"Yes, Virgil, if anyone ever decides to be an ignorant bigot, I am more than happy to be scary for you."

Okay. So.

Maybe things can get better after all.

General Taglist: @frxgprince@potereregina@gattonero17@iamhereforthegayshit@thefingergunsgirl@awkwardandanxiousfander@creative-lampd-liberties@djpurple3@winterswrandomness@sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes@iminyourfandom@bullet-tothefeels@full-of-roman-angst-trash @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind@demoniccheese83@pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious@firefinch-ember@fandomssaremysoul@im-an-anxious-wreck@crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch@enby-ralsei@unicornssunflowersandstuff@wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams@averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws@cecil-but-gayer@i-am-overly-complicated@annytheseal@alias290@tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance@whyiask@crows-ace @emilythezeldafan@frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires@cyanide-violence@oonagh2@xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx@rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734@triflingassailantofmyemotions @virgil-sanders-the-gay-emo@cerulean-watermelon@puffed-up-bees@meltheromanstan@joyrose-fandomer@insanitori@mavenmush@justablah65@10paradox10@uhhh-hi-there-i-am-nervous@cutebisexualmess@bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti@ultrageekygirl

#dragonbabbles #sanders sides #fic #roman sanders #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #janus sanders #sympathetic deceit #deceit sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders

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lu-kario · 10 months

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today my dear followers who did not ask for this,

A Very Honest Slenderman(2018) Review!!!

by a creepypasta fanatic and someone who needs to think about smth else to not k- moving onto the "review". (it's not a real review i'm just gonna shit on it obviously)

It's just gonna be a list of things I noticed that bothered me throughout the whole film and made it physically difficult to watch. That was the second movie that took me two days to watch not because I was scared, but because it hurt my brain to finish it. ((((also yes. i am very . VERY . late to the party. i know. don't worry)))

Starting off, the characters are not likeable at all. None of them. They don't behave like actual teenagers. Someone from that directing team was observing high school students for a week with a notepad and was done after thinking they did a good job. I may or may not be autistic and not behave like that either but I've been in high school and have seen stuff. Obviously.

Second of all who just watches adult vids and calls it a night with friends wtf-

Not important . Maybe someone does?? Also these teenagers are created to be so edgy for absolutely no reason ((pointing out that line from ginger girlie saying that the cat should've exploded at the end i'm so fkn glad she was gone first)).

Another thing. Let's get to the star of the mfing show,,, Slenderman .

What they made of him was some kind of a,,, dryad?? Like there's legit some Slenderman Tree in the woods that he walks out of to collect kids and bear them with his big ol' self. Don't get me wrong that concept would be cool on it's own if not the thing that. It doesn't suit him at all. And the Slenderman Summoning Video as well- wth was that . You're telling me some bells (something added for the sake of the movie I suppose bcuz i never heard of that) with added five stock images of what'd you get if you typed 'illuminati' giving you a high speed seizure attack are gonna summon this big boy? The reactions are so hilarious to me as well WHY WERE THESE GIRLS PANTING AS IF THE DAMN SLENDERMAN WAS THERE WITH THEM give me a break. That would hint at least Slendy is some kind of . illuminati-ish experiment left off in the local woods grabbing kids to expand the tree for decades? i suppose.

Mostly what they did with him is giving marble hornets series but make it a on-budget parody that relies for it's damn life on shock value- flashing images constantly, having those ominous shots to make you feel something and lemme tell you i did feel something(nauseous). Also having the original contest images in the film was fucking hilarious so uh +1 for that but that's the only thing i actually liked.

Yet another thing! Nothing in this movie felt genuinely connected to each other,, if it was an artistic interpretation or smth idk i think i wouldn't mind as much but don't be calling this a damn full fleshed out movie.

The Slendy in this movie felt like a totally different being than the original it was sad to watch.

the effects were ,,,alright? like nothing to hate but nothing specific about it to like . it was just alright at best.

very last thing unless i've decided i remembered smth else-

THE LIGHT WORK IN THIS MOVIE WAS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE I HAD MY SCREEN LIGHT SET ON MAX AND STILL COULDN'T SEE A DAMN THING AND GUESS WHAT? THAT WAS THRU OUT LIKE 80% OF THE DAMN MOVIE

enough of that no matter if you enjoyed the ranting have a great day dont watch this movie unless you wanna suffer uhhhh have this cool cat pic of my cat idk what to put here anymore

edit

oh yeah i remember now

WHY DID SLENDY WALKED SO SEDUCTIVELY.............WHAT,

bro was swinging his hips seducing the victims i am done goodbye

#slenderman #shitpost #bcuz its shit #rant #long post

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iris-jaxx665 · 8 months

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Re: weight loss

At the justifiable risk of offense, because no one needs to be commenting on anyone else's body... I've been worried that including your weight and temp with your potd posts was related to weight loss.

Worried because that kind of monitoring can so very easily lead to other very destructive and maladaptive behaviors.

Your body is yours to do with what you want, but I'm hoping I can reassure you that unless there's some underlying medical condition that's making your weight dangerous, you seem absolutely fine. Even if you gain more weight, having fat on your body is not inherently unhealthy.

The whole weight loss industry... I could rant for hours. And hours more about how the medical industry supports it. How BMI is an inherently problematic metric, made worse by being decontextualized and applied in ways it was not designed for. How calory counting and the whole concept of specific calories per day is just whole cloth made up with no medical basis. I could just rant for days, but this isn't the time or place...

So if I may ask, from a genuine place of concern, does this come from a body image issue? Some sort of dysmorphia? Or maybe some outside influence leading you to believe you need to be thinner?

I've seen so many friends be devoured by weight loss. You seem like such a wonderful person and weight loss disorders cause such unnecessary pain and struggle. No one deserves to live under that kind of stress...

no offense taken, i asked for open discussion with the hope and plan to receive it.

including the weight and temp checks with my potd posts isnt weight loss related, though i understand the thought process there, its fertility related, as im cycle tracking and the basal body temp is supposed to be linked to fertility cues.

i spent a fair number of years deeply anorexic, and im always fighting not to resort to the measures i once took to take control of my body, as thats a large part of what it was for me as well as body image and dismorphia issues. ive been in remission and healing from those issues since recovering from my first pregnancy in 2015. and its been difficult.

currently this weight loss has medical impetus. i went to a cunt doctor in may for curiosity concerning my fertility, and He had me do about 20 blood tests. one of those tests showed that my cholesterol was insanely high, dangerously high. the doctors suggestion was lose some weight, be more active, cut out fats. so im trying to do so safely.

its also in part that i am unhappy with my appearance, just slightly. i know having some fat is healthy and better for my body than having none, i just feel that i have a little more than i would like. i feel lethargic about half the week, i cant walk for more than 30 minutes or so (in part because of my bad knee, which im also working on), and im unsure of what strain my weight may put on my bad lungs and my fragile heart.

i could rant just as long about the medical industry, bmi and weight, as it all concerns to women and how its fucked, but my foster father had a heart attack recently with 100% blockage (dumb bastard drove himself to the hospital) and that as well as his many cancers, my foster mothers heart/ liver/ kidney failures. its all scared me rather harshly about my own health.

thank you for your concern, currently i just want to lose a little fat and gain some muscle, so i can keep up with my Owner on long walks and hikes, so i can keep up with my future kids (if i can have them) for as long as they want me to, so i can have enough strength in my body to hold my grandkids one day. because i dont as yet feel that i could if i got the chance.

#me #thank you for your curiosity #personal rant

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selamat-linting · 3 months

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living after experiencing sa is so weird like, the same piece of writing about assault could do nothing or it could send me into a week long spiral and its just a matter of dumb luck or pure chance that determines my brains' reaction to it. i've had moments where im legitimately triggered in the middle of re-reading something i actually enjoy as porn. over the years i figured it was because i had small triggers that are abstract or wasnt easily noticeable or doesnt feel like anything until its in the spesific context of sa. like being trapped in an enclosed space with strangers, begging to be sent home, being deceived, having your preferences and interests weaponized against you, the really lonely and painful walk home afterwards where no one comes to save you but maybe its better off this way since you dont want to be seen, those are things im particularly sensitive with. for example, a few years ago i got really messed up about this anecdote of a kid who got kidnapped by a neighbor for a few hours. he offered to see his cat and then lock them up in a room while theyre playing with said kittens. nothing actually happens but that made me legit depressed for a few days. while im fine talking with my friend about an incident where she got followed by a creepy guy who groped her while she's walking home. both situations are horrifying and bad ofc, but i cant exactly communicate or find an easy way to filter out the bad. like, i can handle hearing the graphic details, the bare bones account of what happens, but if it touches on how the victim was tricked or deceived or gets taken advantage of, even when its basically the least upsetting part, i just couldnt do it.

idk, maybe its because my experience was more in the mental stuff. yeah sure, it was only some groping, an almost kiss, and some sex talk. but the context was that i asked for help, someone friendly comes along, they say theyre just helping me but turns out they actually have ulterior motives. i was stuck in a car for hours to god knows where, fully knowing i was gonna get raped when the car eventually stops, trying to plead or at least delay it with someone i thought was a friend without being too harsh because i know they could do even worse things if i drop this thin veneer of friendliness we got going on. and all the while this asshole kept touching me in spots i didnt even realize was a sensitive place for me and i had to keep a straight face the whole time because if they see a hint that i liked it, its over. did i like though? yeah. do i want it? fuck no. never in a million years. and i felt betrayed because im supposed to have that moment of discovery with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and it was supposed to be nice and comforting but its not. and i might associate gentle touches with this forever. and there's also a part of me that said, hey somebody wants me. dont you want to be wanted? i might as well enjoy it because no one's gonna offer me hot car sex like this. i should try to get myself wet! this is a new experience that i should just see the bright side of. im supposed to be a kinky slut right? i just turned 20. and after all, i promised myself, after the first time i had my sa as a kid, the next time it happens im gonna fight. and what am i doing right now? i'm just running my mouth. im laughing at my soon to be rapists' joke and i tell him we should meet up later instead of doing everything right now since i had work later in the day. this isnt fighting, its bargaining. and all the while im wondering if i look pretty while im doing this. i hope i look pretty. im just wearing sweatshirt and pajama pants. this is sick, why do i want to look good while im sexually assaulted?

i never told this to anyone except a friend. but even she didnt get the whole account. she just know it happens. its the part that actually upsets me that i didnt tell her. the whole violated trust thing. and how dumb i am for instantly accepting help from an acquaintance i dont even know that well. and what happens after the car stops. all she knows is that when it stops, i pushed him off of me and i left the car and run.

to her it just seems like im valiantly fighting off an asshole. she didnt know that after i ran, a bunch of men saw me running. they asked me if i need help. they were kind. but i thought of the hassle of reporting to the police, being grilled with questions, have my entire behavior scrutinized, and my parents vacillating between unhelpful anger or chastising me for being so trusting and eventually isolating me because i cant be trusted to exist in a public space without being harassed and god i dont want to miss work today and theyre gonna ask why if i had to miss a day and theyre gonna know too. so obviously i shut up. i couldnt say anything. the fuck who assaulted me came, and get this, i went back to his car. i didnt sit next to him, i was sitting at the backseat, and he was angry and yelled at me the entire time while driving me back to the closest bus station. i didnt say anything, and i actually paid him money before leaving. i was a coward.

in hindsight, what happens after the next few month after that was just me trying to compensate for the shame and utter incompetence i felt. i thought i was good at being confrontational and assertive, but when it actually matters, i cant speak. it was awful. i mean, it was a moment of self improvement, i did evolve from being an awkward self-important debate kid to an adult who relies on being good with persuading people for a living. im proud of that. but the feeling of helplessness still remains. im still afraid that when it happens again, i'd just clam up like usual. even though i already successfully fend off several people trying to fuck with me before anything that bad ever happens because im a hot saleswoman now. it felt weird calling myself a victim or a survivor because, it just happens. i didnt survive shit nor do i want to be a victim. i dont want to be pitied. and i dont want to be called brave or anything because im anything but.

except that everytime something reminds me of my sa incident, i kept having this urge to tell somebody, and i'd wrote a long paragraph detailing everything that happened including all of the uncomfortable details that didnt make me look good as a victim. and then i'd delete it before sending because its not good to tell your personal triggers online right? but i have no one i want to talk about this irl. and i cant imagine any well-meaning response that doesnt make me angry. i kept thinking about it. if anyone acknowledged this happens to me, i have no socially acceptable response. im not sure if anyone could understand or be sympathetic. i mean, imagine someone told you a grave secret about them and then they get angry and throw a tantrum when you say youre keeping their secret to the grave. youre in the right to be angry and confused at them. and its one thing to write a retrospective like this, and its another thing talk about it directly. i wouldnt be self aware to control myself. i'd just ruin another friendship because i got pissed off for no discernable reason.

i dont really know where im going with this. i think i just wanted to get this out of my system. its been what? three years? im sick of keeping that shit in. i think i just need to talk about it, sort of like a confessional before moving on for good. anyway, your usual shitposting will resume shortly. bye bitch!

#sa cw #this is about my personal experience with it #and something about abstract triggers

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theendofuno · 9 months

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okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

#daily-uno

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smrtelnaaleziva · 3 months

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(long post; no tw, i am just sad)

i do not know if this is just me and i am complaining too much or if other chronically ill (or even disabled) people can relate to this but dae take it really badly when their health issues fuck them over, especially if it is at the worst possible time?

for background, i have severe migraines (i dont consider myself diasbled but i have them frequently enough for it to be an issue, in december alone i had 15 headache days) and i have severe mental illness. i am also uni student.

last week i had six finals that i studied like crazy for (except for latin cause i really did not have energy for that one). on thursday i was supposed to have three. the entire week my anxiety has been horrible and on thursday i woke up with awful migraine.

i went to the first final that i had at 8 AM. because i did really well on exams before, i only needed one point out of six. i took otc medicine bc i still thought that maybe it isnt that bad, i am afraid of taking my sumatriptan too much (mistake). before i even got to school, my migraine progressed so much i started having trouble with my vision (in general my vision is bad but glasses correct it - that doesnt happen during my bad migraines). my vision was spotty and really blurry in one of my eyes and i couldnt read.

i took the first final. i got 0.75 points. awesome.

i didnt even bother going to the second one (it was latin anyway, there was 50-50 chance i fail), instead i went back to dorms and i am glad i did because i started puking. i managed to take my sumatriptan, another otc analgesic and used anxiety medicine to knock myself out so i get at least some sleep before the last final that i had in the afternoon.

it helped, i mean i still had bad migraine but at least it was dulled now. i passed, surprisingly bc my eyesight was still pretty bad and that doesnt mix well with lab work so i am glad.

now, failing a final in my country isnt that bad of a thing? like they dont count towards our gpa, only major exams do. i have eleven subjects this semester and only four of them have major exams so that is fine. you need to pass the finals to be able to take the major exams but you get three attempts at every one of them. that means that yeah, they are hard, but one bad day like this doesnt fuck you over as much.

i am still extremely upset by the whole thing. i worked really hard to pass, arguably more than some other people, but i still failed due to circumstances outside of my control. i hate hate being chronically ill. it feels like i really need to work way harder than other people to be on their level due to my memory issues caused by my mental illness... and i can still fuck up just because my brain decides to fuck me over.

i know the world is unfair and all that stuff but i am still upset by this fact. if feels really unfair. i often daydream about being completely okay and how my life would be if i was. but i am not. that is the reality. there is no permanent cure for migraines, there is no way i will ever fully recover from my mental illness. so i am sad, obviously. and when i having hard time to accept this and cry about it, my mum tells me i need to stop pitying myself and instead focus on the future. i know she is well meaning and probably right but it still feels very invalidating.

idk, am i being too dramatic or is this normal reaction? either way, it still sucks. i am not sure why i am writing this, maybe to complain, but i guess i really need someone to tell me i am not crazy for thinking like this.

#chronic migraines #migraine #actually schizoaffective #actually psychotic #chronically ill #vent #i am writing this at 3 am so maybe i am too tired to think clearly #anyway thank you for coming to my complaining sesion #complaining

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sehnsuchts-trunken · 2 years

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Hello! I was wondering if I could get a merlin, lotr and marauders era hp matchup/ship request? Thank you! My pronouns are she/her and I’m bisexual.

Personality: I originally come off as quiet, and aloof. It can seem standoffish but I don’t mean it too I just don’t trust very easily and am uncomfortable with strangers/new environments. I am my best when I am by myself or with my closest friends. With my closest friends I’m quite open, fun and talkative especially when talking abt things that interest me. Im quite the good listener as well when it comes to my more extroverted friends. Im also introverted, imaginative, creative, individualistic, reserved, structured and picky in my own way, all sprinkled with a little bit of sarcastic humor.

Hobbies: Digital Art is probably my biggest hobby. If I could I would spend all day at home with my trusty tablet and stylus drawing with an audiobook of my favorite novel/tv show running in the background. Apart from art I absolutely love working out. I kickbox and weight lift most days of the week. Lastly I love playing video games, spending time at comic book stores, the movies and coffee shops.

Interests: I work in the digital media arts and love creative coding, interaction design, and computer graphics. I think my favorite thing is that combination between the artistic and the technological.

Love language: this one is definitely acts of service.

Thank you!

oh hello again, i remember you from last time! because you got a hobbit matchup back then, for the lotr matchup i definitely am going to specifically use lotr characters, so hopefully you'll enjoy this one too! (it is a good sign you came back, isnt it?) btw sorry i couldn’t work your digital art into this well, all of the worlds kind of dont have tech? but you can imagine that its digital

for merlin,

I ship you with

Gwen!

- Guinevere is as sweet as they come, but that does not mean that she’s not totally fierce too. It was easy for you to fall for her, just as it was easy for her to fall for you.

- She adores watching you work on your art, especially when you give it to her after. She has a whole drawer in her desk just for all the pages you draw onto. When you work, she’ll read a book, though she most often won’t read and instead stare at you over the rim of it. She’s not very subtle, either, so even if you’re concentrated you can basically feel her eyes burn into your hands.

- She always blushes when you do something for her, though you do it often. She’s used to doing the work around the castle, so when you suddenly pick up the things she’s supposed to carry or take the books from her hand or sweep when she’s busy otherwise, she doesn’t quite know how to react apart from thanking you and smiling so deeply her dimples show. You think it’s the moments she’s the most beautiful.

---

for harry potter,

I ship you with

Remus Lupin!

- Remus is as out of this world as you are. He matches you perfectly, your sarcasm meeting his halfway out of your mouth, your quiet exterior but chaotic mind the same his is. With him, you can share anything and everything and not fear misunderstanding.

- The first time he saw you working out, he dropped the things he was holding and had to try three times to make a spell work that would put his broken ink bottle back together and the spilled black ink back inside it. After that, he watches you whenever he can. He doesn’t join in, even if you ask him to, he’ll just deny it, and he’ll always have some parchment or book in front of him, but both of you know that that’s a ruse and nothing else so that he can stare at you train.

- You absolutely turn every conversation into a sarcasm competition, and every snide remark that you can think of he’s also thinking of, and then it’s “who can say this faster and win”. Sometimes you team up and throw so many sarcastic comments at your friends for doing something stupid that James will end up screaming and dragging Sirius and Peter out of the room while you’ll turn to look at Remus and the two of you will double over with laughter.

---

for lotr,

I ship you with

Haldir!

- Haldir is quiet, he thinks before he says or does anything. As an elf, he has the time to. Unlike you, this doesn’t change when he gets to know someone better. He’s always like that, but you don’t mind - you can sit for hours in silence with him, especially outside. While you draw, he’ll braid your hair or read a book or work on some paper or just sit and enjoy the time to think.

- It’s different though, very different, when you work out with him. While you focus on the body itself, he, as most elves, uses bow and sword, and he’s as talented as none other with both of them. But he lets you walk him through your routine once, and he does the same for you. The both of you rather stick to your own things, but you do gladly practise together. He’ll use an old sword for training as you do your best to sweep his feet from under him or get his face, and when you lift him up, he shoots at trees and later on, orcs.

- He’s not as used to physical closeness, so he won’t be the guy who necessarily cuddles up to you, but when you ask him to hug you or kiss you, he always will. And when you do something for him, especially when you take out an enemy that was his to fight, he gets the deepest, most genuine smile on his face and always catches you in his arms, pulling you close to him and placing a kiss on your head. Or, well, not in battle, but once you’re both safe and sound again.

can’t tell if you’ll like your results, so if you don’t, gladly come back for another round!

#matchups #harry potter matchups #marauders #marauders matchups #lotr #lotr matchups #merlin #bbc merlin #merlin matchups #gwen #guinevere #haldir #remus lupin #young remus lupin #x reader

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