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elminx · 29 days

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April is a “3” Universal Month [4 (April) + 8 (2024) = 12 = 1+2 = 3] in an “8” Universal Year. 3 months are about connection and building – three can be a party OR a crowd, depending on your perspective. With all eyes on Aries season and the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Chiron, AND the North Node in Aries over the month, it’s more likely to be the latter. We’re focused on independence and our own journies during this time.

The Set Up

We begin the month with the Sun, Mercury, Chiron, and the North Node in Aries; Venus, Mars, Saturn, and Neptune in Pisces; Uranus in Taurus, and Pluto in Aquarius. That’s a huge cluster of planets all in sequential signs overstretching the last two and the first two signs of the horoscope. This shows that this is a fundamental shift and ending going on – likely in the world around us and our own lives. We’re also deep in between eclipses and entering retrograde season.

By month’s end, all of our personal planets except Mercury will have changed signs. The Sun will have moved on into Taurus, and Venus and Mars will have moved into Aries. Additionally, Mercury will have retrograded and stationed direct again.

The Nitty Gritty

All eyes are on the sign of Aries as it will be involved with most of the major astrological transits of the month. Ten of the fifteen total aspects in April are conjunctions and all but two will be found in the sign of Aries. That’s a lot. Expect the energy to be fast, dry, hot, and ornery all month long. Aries is a sign of endless ambition, or, at least, endless energy. Aries need focus (given by their ruling planet Mars) and an unobstructed pathway to be at their best. Neither of those two things will be in ample supply.

This is to say that this will be a rough Aries season. Everyone will want to be doing, going, and accomplishing but getting nowhere fast. There is a major culprit here as the energy of each astrological season is augmented by the planetary ruler of its sign (in Aries’s case, Mars). For most of the month, Mars will be mired in the watery depths of Pisces. While Aries is sign #1, Pisces is sign #12. Pisces has seen and done it all, or at least that’s what they like you to believe. Pisces doesn’t move fast, they abide like The Dude – they’d rather spend their time daydreaming and fantasizing than accomplishing much in the tangible world. Mars can’t find any solid footing in the sign of the fish and we all may end up feeling like we are treading water (or drowning) if we try to maintain too much control.

This is going to manifest as a shitstorm of epic-level temper tantrums.

Let’s be real here: Aries isn’t known for being the most mature sign. That’s not what they are here for. Astrology teaches us that all sign energies have a place and Aries’s is to be the trailblazer. As Sign #1, Aries is SUPPOSED TO step out into the world on their own. It is their cosmic design to run ahead and scout things out. Part of emotional maturity comes from the ability to stop and consider how your actions affect another – although it’s a powerful skill, it naturally inhibits some types of growth and innovation.

Aries tends to keep its blinders on for a reason. Nobody gets to the top of the mountain if we all slow down and keep pace with the person who can’t climb. The mature Aries knows that they are wearing blinders and when to take them off.

Most actual Aries types (Sun, Ascendant, Moon, or Mars in Aries, at least those that have lived long enough to have experienced a Saturn return) have learned this lesson. The problem comes when EVERYBODY ELSE has to stew in this thwarted Aries energy.

I’d say pack your patience, but I doubt there will be enough patience to go around.

April won’t begin with a bang but with a liminal whimper as Mercury stations retrograde at 27° Aries on the first. We’re already deep in this story – Mercury has been in Aries since 3/10 (in its pre-retrograde shadow since 3/18) and will remain there until mid-May. This is a very long stay for our fast-moving planet which normally takes 2-3 weeks to transit a sign. This shows us that there is work to be done around Mercury in Aries themes: notably owning our voices and speaking up for ourselves. You can read more about the Mercury retrograde here.

Important dates involving the retrograde: 4/1 Mercury retrogrades, 4/11 Sun conjunct retrograde Mercury, 4/15 retrograde Mercury conjunct Chiron, 4/19 retrograde Mercury conjuncts Venus, 4/25 Mercury stations direct It’s worth noting that from 4/15-4/17 and even a bit beyond that, we will be experiencing a major Aries stellium between retrograde Mercury, Venus, Chiron, and the North Node. These dates will be a big hit on your Mercury retrograde story, however that shows up for you.

Standard Mercury retrograde advice applies from 4/1-4/25 but most especially on the above dates: check your work twice, save often, think before you speak/send, and enjoy the strange winding path rather than worrying about your destination. Apply the above advice metaphorically and physically in equal measures. Mercury retrograde is a good time to focus on work you’ve already started: practice the words that start with re: review, revise, rethink, retrace…

As if to deepen the mood, Venus will conjunct Neptune on 4/3 in late Pisces. Que the mists and probably some waterworks, too. Even your emotions seem unreal. Neptune is considered to be the higher octave of Venusian energy – while Venus focuses on human love, Neptune can tap into universal love. Both are at home in the watery sign of Pisces (Venus’s exaltation and Neptune’s home sign). It could end up being a sweet day in amongst the muck. This transit will pass quickly.

On Thursday 4/4, Venus enters Aries and takes on her mantle as the Starlett. Venus is in her detriment in Aries which is a fancy way of saying that the natural (giving/receiving) energy of Venus is at odds with the aggressive cardinal fire energy of the Ram. Whereas Venus – especially in her rulership of Aries’s sun-sign opposite, Libra – is focused on connection and togetherness; Aries is focused on the self. If you want to get along with Venus this month (work in the arts, fashion, or need to get along with people at all), maybe throw here a little something-something on and around this date. Roses and red wine would do nicely.

Since we’re counting: Mercury isn’t at their best in retrograde, Mars isn’t at his best in the waters of Pisces, AND Venus is not at her best as she’s in detriment in Aries. We can presume that we will face some personal challenges with all our personal planets afflicted in some fashion.

Venus in Aries may make you want to make your mark or step out into the limelight. Spoiler alert: nobody is watching.

This leads to our total solar eclipse on Monday, 4/8 at 19° Aries. This is our major pain point of the month as it will be exactly conjunct to Chiron and closely conjunct to the North Node. This may be our major pain point for the entire year. Chiron is the Wounded Healer which shows that the pain can be healed but this comes with a major caveat: the way out of Chironian pain is THROUGH the pain. This isn’t the kind of situation that can be laughed away or repressed easily and there’s a huge danger here in trying to put a bow on a pile of shit and call it your new pet. Truth be told, with the North Node so closely involved, you may not be able to look away even if you want to.

This won’t apply to everyone, of course. And I don’t mean to be scare-tacticy here. If you don’t need deep soul healing, the above obviously doesn’t apply. But in this “post-pandemic” world, I’m not sure that I believe there is a person who doesn’t need some deep soul healing. This lunar event could really work for you, you just need to work for it.

As always, standard eclipse advice applies: eclipses occur on the nodes of fate – what happens in and around the dates of the eclipses should be weighed at least slightly more heavily than what happens during the rest of the year. If something suddenly enters or exits your life, pay attention and BELIEVE IT. This is our second to last eclipse cycle on the Aries-Libra axis and that puts a lot of strain on the dichotomy of selfness vs. togetherness. Stay aware of where you and your Others naturally fall on that scale. Retrograde Mercury is widely a part of this stellium (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Chiron, North Node) so try not to fight about it because there is no common ground to stand on right now.

If you’re traveling in the US to view the totality, stay safe out there and try not to travel on the interstate within 24 on either side of the event if you can. (and keep in mind retrograde Mercury rules travel so things may take longer than normal)

I wish I could say that we will get a reprieve but the consequences of whatever has just occurred are coming in hard on the back end with a rough Mars-Saturn conjunction at 14° Pisces on Wednesday 4/10. Saturn doesn’t mean to be nasty about it, but without lessons, you would never learn a thing. This will be a great cosmic pause. One of Saturn’s domains is time in the sense of limitation. As time passes, some choices become off-limits. Existence is fleeting.

Note whether that stokes fear or wonder (or both?) in your heart.

Situated in Pisces, the ruler of the 12th house, Saturn is working to reexamine some of our deepest-rooted trauma stories. The twelfth house rules the unconscious (where we store all of the things we don’t want to look at) and Pisces can sometimes be said to have accumulated all of the baggage of the signs that have come before it. This ties in with the pain point of Chiron in Aries which is getting triggered by all of our personal planets transiting over it.

The way to overcome some of Saturn’s inertia repeats the month’s themes: you’ve got to get into the shadowy bits of it and do that weeding. Saturn stops you so that you can dig into the ground and find the roots you have grown that are holding you back.

Cut them and grow new roots.

We won’t see another aspect for the rest of the week which is probably a good sign that we need to think about what we have done. (that doesn’t have to have a bad connotation)

There is a twisted-up knot that has something to do with the pain of aloneness that’s aching to come forth. A boil of some kind, even. On the week of 4/15, it comes to a head. The Sun has pulled away from Mercury, Chiron, and the Nodes but Venus has moved up to join them. In this way, that mid-Aries stellium stretches from 4/8 through to 4/19 as our personal planets apply stress and pressure to Chiron and the North Node. Or better said, Chiron and the North Node apply pressure to our personal planets.

Aloneness means a lot of different things to different people. An Aries type can think of nothing better, most Libras can think of nothing worse. That is the pressure we will be sitting under all month long. Aries and Libra are alike in many ways but, in this, they are divided. Errevocakly so. This will put a huge stressor on relationships between people with very different attachment needs and styles. I would expect some relationships to end permanently, especially those with one or more of the partners involved who have a personal planet Libra. Possibly Aries as well. I wouldn’t count out Cancer or Capricorn, either.

If it ends on the date of the eclipse, there’s no saving it. If it ends after that in the month, you may have a second or third chance. But what is happening right now has a reason. I think that is important to remember.

Spoken like a true Moon in Aries native: sometimes love ISN’T enough.

Sometimes you just need some space, yo.

it seems like everybody needs a healthy dose of empathy for their others but there is zero empathy to go around. Venus will be directly conjunct to the North Node AND Chiron this week – expect some theatrics. As I mentioned earlier, she’s in her Starlet form and let me tell you, she is not getting the attention she wants or deserves. Watch out. Venus certainly isn’t at her most vindictive in the sign of Aries, but she won’t think twice before slashing a few tires to get her point across.

The Sun enters Taurus on 4/19 which may be somewhat of a reprieve. It depends on how far you’ve pushed Venus though because she IS the natural ruler of Taurus, the Bull. Don’t wave any red flags for the rest of the month, okay?

Mars in Pisces sextiles Jupiter and Uranus in Taurus as well which is…interesting. Somebody could hit it big – Jupiter and Uranus form an exact conjunction on Sunday 4/21. If you need Chance to be on your side this month – on and around 4/19-4/21 are the days to choose. Watch out for overspending or overindulging during this time though, high reward tends to come with a lot of risks.

The Sun will be square to Pluto. Things are changing. If they are changing in your favor will depend on a lot of your perspective and your ability to duck and roll as the towers fall.

The rest of the month is a downward slope and as we shift out of eclipse season it may begin to feel quite pedestrian. It’s a much-needed break.

On Tuesday 4/23 we have a full moon at 04° Scorpio that may seem dark and dramatic, but it pales in comparison to the edgy eclipses. Just don’t actually tell Scorpios that I said they weren’t the best, okay? Stay aware of vindictive bitches, you know who I mean. Scorpio full moons can bring out the worst in people who are looking for somebody to blame. Mars, the ruler of our Scorpio moon is just barely still in Pisces, too. Expect it to be both heavy and wet. Maybe even a washout.

The rest of the month just rolls downhill as the energy finally begins to right itself. On 4/25, Mercury stations direct at 15° Aries. On 4/29, Mars enters his home sign of Aries. On 4/30, Venus enters her home sign of Taurus.

May will be a much easier month. We just need to get there.

The Details

4/1 – Mercury retrogrades 27° Aries 4/3 – Venus conjunct Neptune 28° Pisces 4/4 – Venus enters Aries 4/6 – Venus in Aries sextile Pluto in Aquarius 4/8 – Solar eclipse 19° Aries, Sun conjunct Chiron 19° Aries 4/10 – Mars conjunct Saturn 14° Saturn 4/11 – Sun conjunct retrograde Mercury 22° Aries 4/15 – retrograde Mercury conjunct Chiron in Aries 19° 4/17 – Venus conjunct North Node 15° Aries 4/19 – Sun enters Taurus, retrograde Mercury conjunct Venus 17° Aries, Mars in Pisces sextile Jupiter in Taurus, Mars in Pisces sextile Uranus in Taurus 4/21 – Sun in Taurus square Pluto in Aquarius, Venus conjunct Chiron 20° Aries, Jupiter conjunct Uranus in 21° Taurus 4/23 – Full moon 04° Scorpio 4/25 – Mercury stations direct 15° Aries 4/29 – Venus enters Taurus, Mars conjunct Neptune 28° Pisces 4/30 – Mars enters Aries

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#astrology #energy update #words #mine #April 2024

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pub-lius · 10 months

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happy 4th of july, here's lafayette pt. 1

i hope you're all excited for this edition of appeasing @thereallvrb0y because he's my son. i haven't finished the research for this so im gonna be doing that as i go, but i have. so. much. information on this man. and by that i mean im limiting it to just two of my books that have info on him, Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger, and The Marquis Lafayette Reconsidered by Laura Auricchio. I highly recommend both of these, individually or together. okay let's go

Early Life in Chavaniac

Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette was born into a noble, provincial family that belonged to the Nobility of the Sword, meaning they earned their titles through military achievements, on September 6, 1757 in Chavaniac, France. His childhood home was the Chateau de Chavaniac which had 18 rooms, so he was always rich. The countryside was referred to as the Auvergne, so if you hear the term "Auvergne nobility/princes/princesses", they mean hillbilly rich people.

Gilbert/Lafayette (which are the two names for him I will be rotating between) had this dad named Roch-Gilbert, Marquis de Lafayette, who was killed in the Seven Years War at the Battle of Minden, and that made young Gilbert want to be a solider. Roch-Gilbert was one of many generations in his family to die in historical (mostly military) events.

Roch-Gilbert, however, was the first of his line to marry into the Nobility of the Court, which are old money people who are just rich because they were born that way, and they have direct ties to the royal family. The Nobility of the Court lived in Paris and Versailles for the most part, and looked down heavily on the Auvergne nobility the same way Elon Musk would look down on someone like Shane Dawson.

The senior Marquis de Lafayette married Marie-Julie de La Rivière, who was from a very prestigious family that were very well connected (included some members of the Order of Saint Louis for military service). Since she was Nobility of the Court, she spent a lot of her time in Paris, and was pretty absent from her son's life.

Despite this, Lafayette was still raised primarily by women. His grandmother was the head of the household at the chateau, and took care of all family matters. His two aunts and an older female cousin helped to raise the little marquis.

He was a feisty little kid too. I'm sure if you've been around for a while in Lafayette spaces you've heard the story of the Beast of Gèvaudan. Basically there were some rumors going around that there was a scary monster roaming the countryside killing people and animals. Lafayette, who was about 6 at the time, gathered his gang of friends to go kill it, but never found it. The going theory was that it was a starving wolf.

"I recall nothing in my life that preceded my enthusiasm for glorious tales or my plans to travel the world in search of renown." -Lafayette, 1780

Move to Paris

Lafayette traveled to accompany his mother in Paris in December 1767, which was a massive change for a ten year old. Paris was a huge city full of people richer than him, and at this time, he wasn't used to not being the richest person in the room.

Lafayette's tutor, Abbè Fayon, accompanied him on the journy. Up until this point, Fayon was focused on teaching Lafayette tradition, and everything he needed to know to uphold his rank, such as the history of their lineage, a little bit of Greek and Latin, and more necessary information to become an army officer and feudal landholder, as that was the system France was still under: lords owning large portions of land and allowing peasants to leave and work on them for an exchange of a portion of the profit. (spoiler alert: this doesn't end well). Fayon would remain in Lafayette's employ from the rest of his life.

In Paris, Lafayette would be surrounded with Enlightenment philosophy, which only turned his ambition into rebelliousness as he went into his teenage years.

Lafayette first attended the Collége du Plessis, where he had a close group of friends who looked up to him and generally did whatever he said. There was one time where they didn't, when Lafayette "wanted to mount a revolt to prevent the unjust punishment of one of my comrades... I was not as well-supported as I might have hoped." -Lafayette, "Autobiographie".

Lafayette was very skilled in Latin rhetoric, and won a prize for it (though did not win the university wide competition, which was disappointing). This sparked a fascination with Republican Rome, and he eventually started reading the works of Louis-Sébastien Mercier, who would become a heavy influence.

When he was 13, he was secured a place in the Black Musketeers by his great-grandfather, Comte de La Rivière. The Black Musketeers were soldiers of the King's guard. Lafayette was very excited for the appointment, but later realized it was ceremonial.

He had been thrilled "to ride to Versailles in full uniform to hear the king tell me... that he had nothing to order, and to report back to the commander of the musketeers the same news that was repeated to him three hundred and sixty-five days a year." -"Autobiographie"

(side note: "Autobiographie" is one of Lafayette's memoirs. He began one in 1780, and finished another later on.)

Lafayette's mother and grandfather both died in 1770, leaving him with a vast inheritance and more mommy issues. His greatest income, after he inherited all the older generations' properties, was around 130,000 livres per year, and, in a society where a skilled employer with a steady income earned around 1,000 lives per year, this was, in academic terms, a shit ton of money. This is why people say Lafayette was the richest man in France at the age of 12.

With all this money, the focus became on getting Lafayette in the court, which meant he would have to get married sooner rather than later. That's around when he was introduced to Marie Adrienne Francoise de Noailles.

The Noailles family is like. the most important family besides the royal family in the Court of Versailles. This family is like literally the court. Adrienne's father was one of Louis XV's closest advisors, the family belonged to several chivalric orders, and they had direct connections to both Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette.

It is very abnormal that a family like this would marry one of their daughters to a provincial nobleman, but Lafayette was a really strange case. He was. unnecessarily rich. Like there is no other Auvergne nobleman who made this amount of money. France also used the dowry system, and Adrienne's father, Duc d'Ayen had five daughters he would need to pay dowries for- but he wouldn't have to give Lafayette a dowry because he was SO. FUCKING. RICH.

Adrienne was the second of Duc d'Ayen's daughters, and he wanted to marry off her and her older sister as soon as possible. However, the Duchesse refused to let him marry her TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, and this caused a lot of issues between them.

"You don't know my wife. No matter how bitterly she argues, she'll apologize like a rueful little girl if you show her she is wrong, but she will never budge if she doesn't see it." -duc d'Ayen

"My mother and father were constantly quarreling- and refused to tell us why." -Adrienne

The duchesse was entirely right btw, and the duc was really creepy! she also just didn't want to be separated from her children. there's just so many tragic situations here and all the time in the french court

Eventually, Adrienne's parents agreed to post pone the marriage for two years, so Adrienne and Gilbert were married when he was 16 and she 14. However, in the meantime, they were completely unaware that the marriage was happening.

“The two marriages were arranged [Adrienne’s aforementioned sister was being married at the same time to Vicomte de Noailles], but only on condition that no one was to mention them to my sister before a year had passed and to me before eighteen months. My mother agreed that Monsieur de Noailles and Monsieur de Lafayette would meet us haphazardly from time to time, either at my mother’s home or on walks. But my mother did not want us to be distracted from our education.” -Adrienne de Lafayette

During those eighteen months, Adrienne developed a major crush on Gilbert, but he was more focused on organizing his little friendgroup's shenanigans.

That wouldn't last long because Gilbert moved into the Noailles mansion at Versailles in February 1773, and was enrolled in the Académie de Versailles. This was a school for very high ranking noblemen, including Princes of the Blood, which is what relatives of the royal family were callled.

Gilbert was embraced by the Noailles' as a son, and he was very happy to have a family again. However, as we shall soon see, Lafayette didn't quite live up to the duc's expectations for a Noailles son.

Lafayette and Adrienne had a very grand wedding, but were not permitted to consummate their marriage for some Catholic reason I forgot, but it was a gateway for Lafayette to enter to King's court for the first time. More about that next time on the Disney channel

#history #amrev #marquis de lafayette #lafayette #french history #frev #american history #amrev history #adrienne de lafayette #do it for richie 💪

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pokemonshelterstories · 11 months

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Hey, this is a bit of an odd question, but I hope you can help by sharing your opinion? I was one of those crazy flying type girls as a child- trying to fly and everything. So when my mom got me a starly at 10, I was over the moon. It was a while back, when there were a lot more lax cultural attitudes about kids going on 'journies'. Me and Opinion the starly set out and roamed the land for a solid few months before the predictable happened- I didn't go through proper Fly training and broke my arm trying to teach a Staravia a move that he wasn't ready for. It was a stressful situation, and my mom didn't really educate me on evolution, so when I was stuck back home Opinion was... it wasn't a good fit for him anymore. Eventually, my mom took Opinion to a shelter while I was at school, and... that was that. I don't know what happened to him.

It's been over a decade and I still just... can't trust myself with pokemon. I know that, logically, setting a ten year old on free roam was stupid and reckless of my mother, but I loved pokemon so, so much. I wanted to do the best for Opinion, and I still feel like a failure- like I could have advocated for his needs more. I was the one that loved pokemon, so I feel like... I should have known better. Logically I was ten, but... I don't know. I want to get involved with my local shelter, but I'm so afraid I'll be the one to hurt another pokemon. I'm terrified of even holding my friend's skitty. I know it wasn't strictly my fault, but... I don't know how to take that step forward when I've already failed a pokemon that depended on me.

I'm sorry if this is a bit heavy. But I've been following you for a while and I don't really know who else to ask. Most just say to 'find a new partner and start a new journey', but starting a journey is what cost me my first pokemon.

thank you for sharing your story. there are plenty of people who've had similar struggles with their pokemon journey- but they often don't get as much attention as stories of young people who manage to become champions

as someone who was afraid of working with pokemon for a long time (not because i was worried about hurting them, but because i've always been scared of pokemon in general), you have to take it at your own pace. honestly, i'd recommend touching base with a therapist who specializes in the relationship between people and pokemon. losing opinion the way you did sounds like it was really traumatic for you, especially since you never got closure.

of course, it's important to remember that you were 10 years old and couldn't really be expected to make decisions for and care for another living being all by yourself. but, as someone who's messed up plenty of times with the pokemon i've worked with- training pokemon isn't easy. even the best of trainers make mistakes. i was definitely not a good advocate for my pet meowth as a kid, or even really all that good of an owner. but one of the greatest thanks you can give to the pokemon you messed up with, and one of the greatest gifts you can give to the pokemon you'll come to know, is to take what you've learned and use it to better the life of other pokemon. that could be helping at a shelter, or it could be just sharing your story around. starting a journey doesn't sound like it's what you need right now, but i think you have a lot to offer any pokemon you eventually come to work with, and i think just spending some quiet time with some pokemon at a shelter might be a good first step for you!

#//ngl this ask Got To Me a lil....i was all aheemheem whimper......#charlietalks #pkmn irl #pokemon irl #i hope wherever opinion ended up he had a wonderful life. and im wishing you all the best

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twistedsea · 1 year

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I know it doesn't really amount to anything since I'm just some random person on the internet, but I really hope things get better for you. Life is really awful a good chunk of the time, but I think it's probably worth holding out in case something better happens.

I spent ages 10-22 thinking I was some kind of horrid, broken robot of a person because I didn't develop crushes like all my friends were. They were ogling celebrities and getting into their first relationships, and it all felt so alien to me. When the first boy asked me out as a teenager, I thought I was going to vomit. He was very nice and there was nothing *wrong* with him, but the thought of being *with* him was like asking me to eat a slug. When I was 17, my neighbors tried to arrange a date with me for me with a man twice my age. It was all so odd.

I didn't even consider that liking women could be an option. Like, I'm from a very open and tolerant family. There are tons of well-respected and very loved LGBT people in my family that have been out of the closet for decades. There was zero danger for me if I came out as any persuasion. I didn't start thinking about it until one of my childhood friends came out as transgender. He said one of the things that made him realize that he wasn't a girl was that, when we were very small and played make-believe games, he would get so envious when I got to pretend I was a prince or a king. The other girls always made me play the "boy" roles because I was the tallest in the group, and he was tiny and thin and fit the conventional princess role better. He said that it took him years to figure out whether he wanted to *be* me or whether he had a crush on me. In the end, he realized it was both. He's engaged to a really handsome guy nowadays and I'm really happy for him.

But at the same time, I felt so weird about the whole situation. Thinking back, I would have definitely dated him back when he thought he was a girl. I guess I mistook the whole "unusually close female friendship" thing as just platonic, because we'd hold hands or hug or be affectionate all of the time. It was just what girls did. But I always felt that same sort of envy that he felt whenever I saw my best friends being affectionate with other girls. I didn't really think about it heavily until covid lockdowns. I started spending more time online and chatting with people that were very open and secure in their sexualities. None of them were a perfect match for the alien feelings I felt, but it made me realize that I have a very strong preference towards women. I still don't have a label for whatever it is that I am, just somewhere between queer and asexual, but I'm still not out about it. I'm still super uncomfortable talking to family about it, but it's slowly getting easier to talk to friends and people online.

I still feel weird and broken, but it's really nice listening to people talk about their journies about living with whatever their truth is. Sometimes you have to just find a place where you can pour out your feelings. Sometimes it helps just hearing about other people's struggles. There are some days when I want to curl up and die, but they're less now. I don't feel so alone when I hear how other people are struggling and surviving.

I have no idea what a *good* future looks like for me, let alone my ideal future, but I think things are better for me than they were ten years ago. Maybe ten years down the line will be better too.

Getting some good antidepressants also helped *a lot.* I can't handle proper therapy yet, but the pills I'm on make it so that my depressive states don't feel like they'll go on forever. They also make it easier to drink less, since I'm not always in a really dark pit. The depression is definitely still there, but it feels bearable.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is really hard, but you've made it this far. You're a really talented artist and you seem like a good person, and you've managed to survive the horrid thoughts that your mind conjures up about you. I think that's something to be proud of. Your art helps me keep going, too. The colors are always warm despite the violent imagery, and I always get the vibe that Laura and Abigail are in this cycle of death and rebirth. When they pop up on my dash, it makes me feel really hopeful.

I think I said this before, but my depression and anxiety are the reason why I’m in such a bad state of mind. My internalized homophobia is just one more thing that’s hurting me, more so lately because of the amount of time I have spent with my family during Christmas (and therefore some of their hurtful comments). I am convinced that if I was in a better place right now, this wouldn't worry me as much.

Yeah… I also feel broken for many reasons. Currently I’m not taking any medication because in the past it did nothing to help (I tried several different antidepressants without results)

Maybe that's why I feel like I'm at a dead end.

I'm going to be honest, it's not that I see a grim future for me, it's that I literally don't believe I have a future at all. As soon as I get up, I think “this is probably going to be my last day” and I wish that these horrible thoughts and overwhelming emotions would give me a break.

And despite this I'm doing everything I can to just stay alive. Even if they are few, there are moments when I realized that it is worth it to keep fighting.

Regarding my sexuality: on one hand, I find it funny because when I was only 6 years old I realized I liked girls and I already took it for granted that this was something that was “wrong” and that I had to hide and repress it. I’m a bit of a loner and I have difficulty socializing, and that has made it easier for me to ignore it.

But like you said, hearing other people’s journeys with their sexuality and/or gender makes me feel less alone. Which is something I’m grateful for. Unfortunately where I live there is still a lot of bigotry and if it wasn't for the internet, well… I just don’t know where I would be.

Despite the fact that we are complete strangers, your message helps me tremendously. Thank you for opening up in such a sincere and kind way to a perfect stranger just to help. It means the whole world to me. Hell, what you’ve said about my art and ocs made me tear up a little too hahah.

I apologize if this is not very coherent. English is not my main language and I’m not used to writing so much 😭🙏

#ask #awesome people #zephyr-is-tired #this is very personal but i need it outttt #long post

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showmethehotpods · 1 year

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Rambling about Tumblr and fandoms and topics that probably falls under 'drama'.

I've been regaining more confidence in speaking my mind lately, which is probably in part because I'm not really too involved with a long of things anymore. It does feel like a lot of community that was initially there when I came back to to Tumblr has become disjointed; through people getting older, busier, there's other things going on in life, physical or metal changes.

But I do find myself reflecting. People will say that Tumblr and fandoms have 'always been like this.' But unless I wasn't really in the thick of it, I don't recall about seven to ten years ago, I was so scared or stunted in writing and being present, out of fear of upsetting others, or having my private conversations screencaptured and used out of context.

To me, at least - people and the fandom spaces they inhabit feel like they're becoming very closed off and self-driven. You see more blogs becoming private, exclusive, the idea of 'nobody owes you anything' and block as you see fit. But then, blocking can become a tool for a simple misunderstanding or disagreement, which then gets warped into a he said she said callout culture, where people you thought were close enough to be called friends cut you out with no explanations, no listening to any other sides of the story. The idea of 'roleplayers aren't your friends' becomes prominent, as well as key phrases like 'trauma dumping', or 'love bombing'.

Long lasting connections that endure are rare. We live in the fast and the now, and working through problems or difficulties takes time and patience that not everyone is willing to give. For whatever reasons that are their own. But if something causes conflict, the easiest way is to cut off, wash your hands off it, keep moving on.

It's not something I can do. For better and worse, this emotional side of me gets attached. I'm still reminiscing about roleplays I've had years ago, and only just got in touch with someone I knew 10+ years ago when Gig first started. I keep taking myself on journies of self discovery, self healing, working through traumas and the way my brain works, the way I can respond better. But are still trends and behaviours I don't agree with. And I have that right of opinion just like anyone else, without being campaigned, smeared, or god forbid, death threat anons or threats of posting my location.

We live in times where the above would seem ok, as long as we're protecting ourself and outting 'toxic people'. Much like when I say I might posts anons to publicly shame abusive, hateful behaviour - this is also me being more confident in saying that if I do continue writing on this website - for the better and worse that it can be - I'm going to own my mistakes, always try to do better empathetically and sensitively to others - but I won't be scared into silence.

Even if I'm never part of mass Tumblr followings or circles and keep on the small and at times lonelier path - mental health, the people behind the screen, fostering and preserving connections is something important to me. Moving forward, that will always be my focus.

#🌻 muntalk #Long post #Personal tw #Drama tw #Negative tw #With some positives too #Reflections on Tumblr Culture

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joachimnapoleon · 2 years

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Lord Holland recounts his meeting with Caroline Murat in Rome in 1830. Even at this point—fifteen years after the execution of her husband, and nine years after the death of her brother Napoleon—she is still being hounded by the Allies, and her movements heavily surveilled and restricted. She is about to be driven from Rome prematurely, while visiting her sick mother. Lord Holland worries that he might even be denied entry into Naples simply for having visited her.

***

From The Journal of the Hon. Henry Edward Fox (afterwards fourth and last Lord Holland) 1818-1830; London, 1923. Pages 374-6.

June 21 [1830]. Rome. In the morning I wrote to Mme Murat expressing my hopes that I might be permitted to call upon her before she went, and begging her to appoint a time. The reply I received was a wish to see me at 3 o’clock. Of course I was punctual. Hortense’s apartment in the Palazzo Ruspoli, which she has lent her during her visit to Rome, I found all sossopra [upside-down]. The dinner was just over and the faquini [porters] were taking away the dinner things from a room full of half-packed trunks, boxes, waste paper, and in fact in perfect disorder. I was kept waiting a short time talking to the black, skinny, grinning dame-de-compagnie, before Mme Murat appeared. I was much struck with the great remains of beauty she still possesses. She is stout, and her figure is not good, but rather thick and stumpy; however, notwithstanding that, she is very graceful and dignified in her motions. Her complexion, which I had heard was blotched and bad, was very clear and her features are regular and small. Her mouth has a very peculiar expression of firmness and decision, which when it relaxes into a smile is uncommonly pretty and playful. She reminded me of the Dme of Bedford, tho’ her person is smaller and more delicate. Her voice is very sweet. She speaks French with a very strong Italian accent, but with great fluency.

When I first saw her she was extremely agitated, having received an intimation that the ten days first accorded her were to be limited to eight, and that she must depart to-morrow. She had sent to appeal, and had protested that having come to Rome to fulfil a sacred duty towards her mother, probably on her death-bed, that she would yield to force alone and not go into her carriage till the military came to order her to do so. Since she has been at Rome there have been no less than twelve meetings of the Corps Diplomatique, and several reams of paper have been filled. She told me, what I own I did not credit till afterwards it was confirmed by Gargarin, that Lord Stuart de Rothesay (who the other day refused to interfere in her behalf about some new lawsuit, because he said he was not authorized to do so by his employers) took upon his own responsibility, without having time to communicate with London, to sign a protest against her being permitted to remain at Rome. How completely we are become the instruments of these rotten old dynasties!!! She was expecting a reply to her last application, and had given her son-in-law, Rasponi, and Vannutelli rendezvous at the Coliseum, whither she begged me to accompany her, if I did not fear being seen in her carriage. Of course I went with her, tho’ I had some apprehension that I might, in consequence, be refused a passport to Naples. She had never seen any of the many interesting sights here, as in all the journies she made thro’ Rome, “ceux qui m’accompagnaient” [those who accompanied me] travelled so fast that she scarcely ever remained more than two or three hours in the town.

She speaks with much agitation at the persecution of the Allies towards her, and said she almost regrets having come, as now when she is torn away from her mother she must make up her mind to never meeting again on this side of the grave. However her vanity is considerably flattered by all the importance the foreign courts seem to attach to her movements, and the persecuting distinction they shew her in contrast to the other members of the Bonaparte family. All ideas of being still an object of admiration to men she has not relinquished, and she owned to me that had it not been for her love for Christine, “elle aura volontiers fait tourner la tête à ce cher Dudley.” [she will gladly have turned dear Dudley’s head.] She has much dignity, and yet nothing repulsive in her manner or the least etiquettical. We walked about the Coliseum for half an hour, while her black skeleton dame-de-compagnie struggled to the summit. At length Vannutelli and Rasponi returned with the ultimate reply of the Cardinal’s Secretary, that they would grant to-morrow, but that on the following day she must leave Rome. She turned very pale, her voice quivered from agitation. “Eh bien, je partirai quand on viendra me chasser. Une insulte de plus ou une insulte de moins ne leur coutera rien.” [Well, I’ll leave when they come to hunt me. One insult more or less will cost them nothing.] We drove by the Temple of Vesta to her mother’s. She was too absorbed to look much about her. I left her at her mother’s door, and went home where I tried to remain very quiet to undo the harm walking about and coming to Rome has done me.

***

#Caroline Murat #Caroline Bonaparte #Lord Holland #Henry Edward Fox #19th century

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deriensgermanlitblog · 2 years

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Reflections on a Year of Reading German Literature

Titles Read:

Stones in Water by Donna Jo Napoli

Flowers in the Gutter by K.R. Gaddy

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Word count: 621

Germany is a country with a lot of history whether for better or for worse. When people hear of Germany they think about World War 2 and all the things that happened almost 100 years ago. But since then Germany has evolved into a much better country, known nowadays for other things like their culture, famous figures, sports, etc. Even in today’s society German culture and their customs are a very big thing throughout the world and followed by many people. They have changed drastically in the past couple of decades and in my opinion it is a very beneficial change. Another aspect of Germany that unfortunately isn’t as well known is their literature. The books I read this year all revolved around true stories of individuals that lived through the Holocaust and recounted their personal experiences and their journies. I would’ve liked to read some fictional books or other nonfiction books talking about other things but the ones I read in this year were very good books overall. They went in depth about the experiences of their lives during the Holocaust and the things going on in the world around them. Safe to say that there were no details spared and every single author wrote incredibly well.

Stones in Water by Donna Jo Napoli taught me that some things are necessary in order to mature in life. Although in the book it was purely to survive, I saw a character transformation like no other. Roberto is just an Italian boy who was exposed to World War Two and after that his eyes are opened to the horrors of the world. It shows the innocence lost which portrays a theme that happens even in today’s society, kids losing their innocence due to war and political problems.

Flowers in the Gutter by K.R. Gaddy taught me a very special lesson. It taught me that no matter who you are, what is going on around you, and what problems you are facing, there is always a way to fight back. Even in times of desperation, the Edelweiss Pirates found a way to rebel against the Nazi’s and stand up for what was right. It’s an amazing book with a very prominent theme/lesson.

My favorite book out of the three was The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Liesel was an amazing character and a special girl to follow. It shows that curiosity and temptation can make a person do many things, especially a little girl like Liesel in the times she had to deal with. There are many aspects and details to break down but those are the two that are most prominent throughout the book.

Ever since middle school I always had one specific problem with reading books and getting into them. I didn’t dislike reading books but it wasn’t something that I would actively go and do like other hobbies of mine. It was hard for me to just start reading a book out of nowhere. The only exceptions are when it comes to school work. I remember for summer assignments we would have to do book reports on books we chose. I hated doing it but once I read the first ten pages of a book I would be hooked. Even today unfortunately, I still have the same trait but the books I read were genuinely amazing. They opened my eyes to many things about our world and how people in the past have had it as bad as it could possibly be. It makes me feel grateful to even read a book about their experiences and what they had to deal with. Books are always knowledgeable regardless of the genre and they’re a treasure to even pick up.

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confessionsofareformedgoodg-blog · 3 years

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There are a lot of things from my past that I would do differently given the chance and some that I would keep locked in stone ( I'd rather die than be forced to change them) but thats not so much what I have on my mind. Here i want to talk about what I would do differently.

1. I should have kissed K on the ferris wheele that night. K was one of my absolute best friends in high school. I might not have talked to her in the ten years since high school but that doesn't mean that she isn't very special to me. I loved her. And not in just the way that two girl best friends in a small rural town are supposed to. I was afraid of being the girl that liked girls....and boys... I didn't know that was really a thing. I stupidly bought into the myth that bisexuality wasn't a real thing that you were either a lesbian, a straight girl, or a lesbian that was afraid to be a lesbian. I have learned a lot since that time. Like the fact that I like to fuck men but have intimate romantic relationships with women and that the is okay. So ya if I had a time machine I would go back 10 years to that hight September night that smelled of grass, horse shit, and carnival food. I would wrap my arm around you and kiss you at the very top of the feris wheel like in a stupid romance movie. I didn't know it at the time K but I think you were my real first love.

2. I would have slept with Z the boy everyone in highschool thought I was sleeping with. I was obsessed with you Z. You were like oxygen to me. When you were gone from my side it was like the world went dark around the edges. I craved your presence so deeply that when you wernt around I bled. I think that was the first real sign of my mental illness looking back. It hurt so much inside that it spilled out and I had to make a physical wound that matched the to my mixed up teenaged soul. I don't care that later on you married another man. For a few years you were mine so deeply and completely, I might not have survived if you hadn't seen me. Really seen me and believed in me when I couldn't do it myself. I wish now that you had my virginity and I had yours. That way I would feel like I had a psychic connection to you that I could carry for the rest of my life. Z I want you to know that I loved you back then with my mixed up messed up teenaged heart and that I will always cherish that bond we had even if it scared the hell out of me. I'm glad you were someone that I cling to on my darkest days. It was a relationship too intense to last but luckily I learned how to breath without oxygen.

I need to just breath now. I'll be back again soon. Putting my journy with self discovery, mental health, and deepest struggles on the web. :/ scary but very therapeutic.

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flameontheotherside · 3 years

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Salty People

Look, I'm not completely retarded or naive. I understand and know some people will not like me or my blog. Thats fine. Do you.

What bothers me is why. Like why waste your time being salty? Its not like I'm benefitting from this in a major way and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't even use my TFs name because I don't think who he is matters.

Its for the sake of honesty I share my TF with people.

Having a dead tf is extremely hard. Having to change my life and perspective spiritually wasn't easy. It took me two months to do this blog realizing that A) I need an outlet; a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings on this journey without hurting my hands and B) I must not be the only one. Guess what! I met 4 people who have just about the exact same experience. Thier links are on this blog btw.

Had I not met others who were experiencing the same things I am/have, I wouldn't have this blog or would have started it much later. I immediately looked for help when I realized Erik was telling me the truth. My investigations lead me to others who shared my experiences so I figured:

Whats another dead twin flame blog going to do, murder someone?

😁☕ So here's the tea:

Feeling you must skip the whole TF concept because one or a few are on a different TF journey than yours is a piss poor excuse and attitude to have. You don't have to compare experiences to deem your worth. No matter what the case, TF journies are hard and made even harder when one is on the other side! Helloooooooo?!

So instead of sulking, how about changing your perspective? How about going on about your life without the need to harbor animosity over some petty bullshit. Its petty when you really think about the shit me and others go through on a daily basis.

Most of us who have had this experience never got to be with thier TF.

...And because they are dead and we are living, it stirrs up a lot of obstacles. We will never be with them in this life! So we struggle with guilt, sadness, stress, anxiety and self-doubt (even stages of grief) because we are human. Our humanity is almost magnified. Dont use our humanity to make yourself feel superior. This is serious shit. Its serious because we have a higher than likely chance of suicide. Yes...I said...

😆📢 We have a higher than likely chance of suicide.

So we need to believe in a higher power, lean on God, do whatever we can to use our pain to help and share with others. God has become so important to me during this journey. Not just for protection but as my spiritual mother/father. So finding ways to use my gifts to help others distracts me from the unsurmount amount of agony this journey can be.

Don't get me wrong, we have our good days too, but people need to know how serious this experience is. The harshness of it living in a world that would lock us up as soon as we utter a word. I would like to talk about this openly offline but I'm also openly bipolar. I've been on and off 20 different meds over ten years. What I noticed is that without my meds I'm actually not intuitive. I need my medications to connect because they help me concentrate. When I concentrate I can hear Erik better and relax enough to go into trance.

So medications have never been more important now!

No one can provide me with a logical reason for this. Trust me, I've thought of everything because I think way too much. Erik says I overwork myself and its a thing I'm learning to not do but old habits die hard.

Just because my TF is dead and I suffer from hypomania and depression, leaves me screwed on a pre-disposition for suicide so munch on those apples while you be salty for absolutely no goddamn fucking reason.

😘💕 Happy hump day!

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alolanrain · 4 years

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Found Family!AU *Christmas Addition*

Because I’m in a hella big Christmas Mood(Tm) and I talked a lot with @hiddenbyfaeries over this.

Hi yes, Gym Leader Opal is now Ash’s Great Aunt on Giovanni’s side

And also Reluctant Great Uncle Kabu is a thing as well

So like imagine little bby Ash and Gary flying to Galar with Daisy and Delia to see Graunty Opal to make a bunch of deserts for the other Galar league officials

And Grunkle Kabu gets pulled into the shenanigans and there’s so many pictures of all the younger kids covered in flour while a younger Opal and Kabu stand on the outer side of the group smiling and laughing

even tho Rose wasn’t a chairman just yet

He was shadowing the older head Chairman who Ash and Gary absolutely adored but Ash hated Rose with a passion

But just imagine Ash leaving for his journies and both he and Gary couldn’t help make cookies but they would face time Graunty Opal and Grunkle Kabu the day of Christmas together if the two boys could

But then Ash and Gou get sent to Galar for some mission or something and Opal and Kabu find out and kinda abduct the two for baking time

And Opal does the grandma thing where they guilt trip poor Gary into coming down

And THEN Bede joins in

And suddenly there’s posts from the gym leaders and Bedes acc

And everyone is like “wait WHAT!?”

Because no one knew that Opal and Kabu even had an inkling of any other family members

besides Opal having Bede but their not even technically family and a lot of people just thought that Opal was even around Bede just to train the kid enough so that the boy could take over her gym

But then everyone realize’s its fucking Champion Ash Ketchum and most of the worlds new found favorite Professor Gary Oak

Bede just brags about meeting Ash and Gary but quickly gets embarrassed because both Opal and Kabu coo over them and take a shit time of pictures to post on their rarely used Twitter and Pokegram

So Rose comes down with Leon, and Hop who was tagging along with his older brother, and Oleana bc they were Christmas shopping for their respected families together

So the. Leon gets Piers and Marnie to come as well

And all three kids kinda freak out bc there’s Leon but also ASH KETCHUM and GARY OAK

But Ash and Gary are both glaring daggers and Rose who does them back bc he still remembers the twerps after ten years still

But then Raihan and the younger Trainers got into this little fight on who can take the best Christmas picture with Ash, Gary, and Gou

And then it becomes this kind of... contest???

Where all the Gym leaders + plus the kids would try and get the most Christmas themed picture with Ash, Gary, and Gou

Even Oleana gets in it a little with a picture here and there but it’s usually with just a single person out of the trio

Like a picture of Oleana and Gary out and about with some coffee/got chocolate and they look like their Christmas shopping

A picture with Ash and her looking cute in matching Christmas sweaters by an outside fire place that looks like it’s back behind Kabu’s house

And surprisingly a picture of Her and Gou sharing a large scarf eating candy canes while watching Gary tripping over his feet on an ice rink while Ash laughed while helping him up

But like there’s a picture Leon posts on his Twitter of The trio with the little ones looking for a Christmas tree with an added video of Ash and Gary calling each other thots and other names while disagreeing with what tree they should get while Gou and the kids are laughing in the back ground.

Raihan post a picture with Melony teaching Gary and Alister how to sled down a hill properly while Ash, Gou, and Bae pelt each other with snowballs at the bottom

Nessa posts a picture with the gang + the other gym leader + Marnie and Sonia showing off their nails that were all Christmas themed decorated

And everyone else is just e a t I n g this up

And it hits the national news and every one who knows Ash and Gary are just laughing

Then Ash’s Legendary™️ bs starts uo

So Opal post pictures and videos of the Trio playing in the snow with the Legendary Doggo’s and it’s the most like/shared/retweeted post she ever had

Opal and Kabu win though because they posted a side by side picture of the four + Daisy during their first Christmas baking session and the newest picture of the four + Gou

And Daisy ReTweets with the words “I’VE BEEN REPLACED!!!!” But it’s all in good humor

Delia finds all the pictures taken while the three are up in Galar and prints them all out and past’s them in multiple scrap books with older pictures that were taken in some places during past Christmas and that would be Opals and Kabus New Years present when Delia could finally come back up there to celebrate with everyone else

But then there’s pictures of Ash and Gary teaching Gou and the three younger trainers how to make perfect cookies and other deserts

And it’s posted to Ash’s AND Gary’s account with the words:

“Teaching the new family generation how to make the best Christmas desserts! ❤️”

And their all covered in frosting, flour, other cooking stuff

And just Christmas fluff that gives everyone more insight into Ash’s and Gary’s life

God now I can imagine Ash bringing like a shit ton of his friends who don’t have good families to a party a few days before Christmas and both Opal and Kabu just adopts them all

Opal teaching Gladion, Ritchie, and Cilan how to make traditional Christmas cakes while Kabu teaches Lillie, Alain, and a few others how to properly decorate and wrap Christmas presents

ALL OUT SNOWBALL WAR!!!!

It happens exactly at 12 in the morning

Ash comes bounding down the halls with the younger trainers (Max, Bonnie, Marnie, Bede, Hop, and a few more people) from outside with the war cry of “MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS!!!!”

They bust into the rooms of people who get worked up the easiest and p e l t them in snowballs

Everyone gets into this since they were all staying and Opals mansion because it’s the only resident that could hold them all

Kabu is the only one out of the very older part of the family to get into the fight

Agatha, Delia, and Opal choose not to be apart in favor of recording and taking a lot of pictures

But everyone’s dressed I. Their winter gear and PJ’s screaming and having so much fun

That the war last HOURS until everyone’s near freezing to death

Then they would all go back and change into warmer Pajamas and the three women who stayed out would disperse hot chocolate and drinks with a bit of alcohol to the older trainers and parents/siblings who can drink

Ash and Gary would be determined that Opal and Kabu go first on opening their presents under the massive 20 something-foot tree

But that’s on the actual Christmas Day

Before that Opal, Kabu, and Melony would drag the trio and the younger trainers (like Alister, Bonnie, Max, the Alola crew and a few more kids) to go see the giant 40 foot tree in the town square near Opals gym light up

Then they would split up and go to different kinds of shops and meet back up for dinner somewhere

HHH JUST FAMILY FLUFF

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microbialhomicide · 5 years

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So. I started sobbing uncontrolably on my way to work today.

A bit of context. Dan’s video hit me really hard. I was overcome with emotions, still unable to describe how I felt. It was a mixture of joy and sadness, pain and pride. There was also other feelings: Heartbreak and guilt. That part’s hard to explain, so I won’t.

I wanted to cry after watching it. I needed to. But it was one of those annoying moments when I just couldn’t. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was at my parents’ house, and I actually hugged my mom for like ten minutes. I felt really lonely, unable to share what I was feeling with anyone. Yeah, there’s a whole online community experiencing something similar, a community I don’t consider myself a part of. I became a “fan” of Dan about a year ago. I was happy with his video about depression and then so thrilled with his “Living my Truth” video. It was that video in particular that made me feel so bonded with this other human being on the other side of the world. We’re the same age (basically) seemingly at the same place in life, in the same stage of our depression journies. I so wanted to sit down and chat with him. Since then, I’ve discovered tons of things we have in common, but that’s not important right now.

Because of some of the traumas I went through in my adolescence, I stopped being friendly online. I’m still nice to people who talk to me, but I hardly ever reach out to others. I don’t really attempt to make friends. I had my youtube channel for, what, 13 years now? And my FIRST EVER comment was less than a year ago, on one of Phil’s videos. I felt safe enough to speak my mind there, because he is kind and so is the community he helped build. Since then, I comment occasionally on their stuff on different platforms.

I have a problem with storytelling in that I ramble a lot. I go off on tangents. Always. My therapist sometimes has to redirect me - I told him he probably should. SO ANYWAY. I was feeling lonely. I talked to my mom briefly, and reached out to my best friend, two people I knew wouldn’t judge me, even though they wouldn’t get it. They couldn’t really empathize, though they tried. And I didn’t want to share it with them. I couldn’t handle it. To share something that was so precious to me, something so powerful and meaningful to someone who wouldn’t feel the same way, to hear it in their voice, to see it on their face, I couldn’t take that. I don’t think I ever could. There are certain things I never share with others, simply because I know their reaction would break my heart.

So, back to the breakdown. I was thinking about the video all morning. As I slowly got out of bed, went through the motions of getting ready, forcing myself to eat. There I was, sitting at a light, about 5 minutes from work, and it all finally came out. I got to work and sat in the car for a moment. Then I decided to just go in and tell my friend/somewhat manager what was going on and then go cry. It was awkward. I laughed when I was talking to her, because I feel so uncomfortable being emotional in front of others, especially crying in front of others, but that’s another long story. But I was proud of myself for feeling comfortable enough to cry in front of her, in front of my boss, in front of coworkers. I’ve come so far. But again, that’s another story.

Like I said, Dan’s video hit me really hard. To hear the pain someone else had to endure is always enough to hurt me, but this is someone I will forever be bonded to, even if he never learns of my existence. I love him, like I do anyone I’ve come to know, even on this level, in this way, and my heart hurt for him. I just wanted to hug him. I felt distanced from him for the first time, and, for the first time, I was so painfully aware of how far apart we are, in proximity, but also personally. I’ve never needed him to know I exist, but I almost suddenly I did. Never had I needed so badly to exist in someone’s life. Because I just wanted him to know I was here, that I was here for him, supporting him, loving him.

But, this morning, the rest of the thoughts finally concretized in my brain. I remembered how lonely and sad and desperate and hopeless I always felt in high school, in most of college. I haven’t recovered from those experiences. Maybe I never will? But I’ve learned how to live with my past, even better how to live in the moment. I’ve come to a place where I can look at myself from a decade ago with sympathy, compassion, love, sadness, and wisdom. Since last year, since my “big recovery” I’ve been in this “zen” place of wisdom and peace and I’m able to talk about my pain without being overcome by it, without reliving it again. But there is still so much pain locked inside me, still needing to be released and it takes things like Dan’s story, connecting to another’s story of suffering to remind me of that.

For the past yearish I’ve been wanting to make like a podcast or youtube channel or something in order to share my own mental health journey with others. I don’t really have any desire to like be a youtuber or anything, I just want to be able to help other people, by sharing my experiences, the good and the bad, offering my unprofessional advice, and just being there for people who need someone to talk to. I’ve had lots of people encourage me to do, but Dan’s video was the last push I needed. He reminded me that the one thing I truly want to spend my time doing is helping other people be happy and healthy. If I can do it, so can anyone. No one should have to go through the kind of things I went through, the kind of things Dan went through.

So yeah, that’s a thing that might happen eventually...

In the event that anyone has actually read through this whole thing (hats off to you btw) is anyone else going to vidcon? Maybe I should some people I can obsess over Dan’s video with...

#mental health #positive mental health #daniel howell #dan howell #Dan and Phil #dnp #phan #phandom #daniel howell art #phanart #Phan Art #self love

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jxandthebadwells · 4 years

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Don't Tread on Me The StageShow to show them all. Trigger Warning: #fightrapeculture #berapecounterculture #standupspeakout #youarenotalone #killyourlocalrapist #rapecultureisahatecrime #acyclestartingwithsilence I'm an activist artist. I live in the region of the NWP that has the highest domestic abuse statics. Toxic Masculinity and Toxic Femininity are rampant in the cultural social fabric of the valley i love and call my home on earth. I have spent a massive amount of time and resource standing up to rape culture in the #cvrd during the last ten years. My experience has been extraordinary to the awakening to how horrible the impact of rapists and rape culture on victims and the civilization we are trying to build all around us. The local music scene in my city is rotton with the systemic of psychosexual misogyny of serial sex predators and the scumbags that enable them as rape culture. Everywhere in the world horrible inhumanity is taking place rape culture thrives. Rape culture is massively supported in North America by good people who are apathetic or shameful towards victims. The things i have witness and the experiences i have standing up against rapists and rape culture in my community and communities all over the Cowichan Valley have often left me vulnerable, traumatized and physically damaged. Because most people are good and strive to live love i have found so much support and understanding in my efforts to protect my open heart and open mind from rage, jadeď marginalizing or apathy. My journy through has become my wisdom. The music i created and poetry i wrote healed me and charged me up for a warriors struggle against that which is unacceptable. This tour is my wisdom The audience is a gathering of people who know what i went through, what I experienced to earn that wisdom. Together we will enjoy ourselves and the crowd of Rape Counter Culture speaking out, not accepting shame for the actions of horrible broken people and hopefully having a lot of consentual hedonistic indulgences right at the show and after. There will be a presentation of my music therapy and by-laws allowing erotic dancers of all genders and identities. (at Duncan, British Columbia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8IcpAvlde4/?igshid=1wywsj7dgzf70

#fightrapeculture #berapecounterculture #standupspeakout #youarenotalone #killyourlocalrapist #rapecultureisahatecrime #acyclestartingwithsilence #cvrd

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yanjuniverse · 6 years

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Hello Soulmate | Fan Chengcheng

[still on hiatus] / [a/n: hello. i just listened to soulmate by zico ft iu. i suck at soulmate scenarios but i hope you all bare with me for this.]

“You waited for a long time / Hello, my soulmate.”

Chengcheng threw his head back and smiled at the lyrics that played from his phone. He couldn’t wait to see you. He couldn’t wait for midnight. He couldn’t wait until you could see what he saw - that red string that connected your pinkies together.

He’s happy that of all the people in the world, it was you. Most people have to go through hell and back, untangling their strings and hoping they won’t break. The strings weren’t visible until one turned the ripe age of eighteen. That’s when most people start their journies to find who they’re meant to be with.

Chengcheng still remembers the moment he found out.

It was 11:59PM, one minute before he had turned 18. All of his friends were gathered around his table, ready to celebrate the moment he found out. The cake was already set and candles lit. His friends started to cheer a countdown as you sat across from him asking him to make a wish.

And sure, maybe his soulmate was the last thing on his mind. Hell, after hearing Zhangjing had to travel all the way to the middle of Germany to find Yanjun casually sitting outside of a coffee shop, he thought that maybe a soulmate was the last thing he should wish for. So as the numbers got closer to one, he shut his eyes and began to wish for his usual: to outgrow Wenjun one of these days, good health, for one of his presents to be the watch he’s been wanting since he was sixteen and that you stayed in his life for a long time.

As soon as the clock struck midnight, Chengcheng felt a slight tug on his hand. He opened his eyes and saw you clapping across from him, shouting to blow the candles out. He found himself stuck in time.

There. On your right pinky. A shiny, red, strong string. His eyes followed the trail back to his own right hand. He gasped.

“Make a wish!” you told him.

Would it have been selfish of him to wish that this year would pass by a little faster?

Chengcheng counted down the days until you turned 18. He wanted so badly to tell you that you were his soulmate but he knew the rules. If you revealed your soulmate to the person before the other turns 18, your thread will break and you two would never end up together. Of course, this wasn’t a problem for most people. Most people would have to wait years to meet their soulmates.

So, for a year, Chengcheng toughed it out. He tried to keep his excitement to a minimum. He tried to conceal his feelings. Even when you went and dated Li Xikan, tangling your string with his in the process. Even when Li Xikan broke your heart. Even when you asked him if soul mates were even real. Chengcheng stayed your best friend and promised that you would find your soulmate soon. When you would fall asleep next to him, he’d play with the thread and smiled at how strong it felt between his finger tips.

“When most people meet their soulmates, their strings are usually frail,” he remembers his friend Xukun telling him. When he had met Ziyi, their line was just hanging by a string. Years of forcing love on other people, being wreckless and nights spent untangling their threads until their fingers bled almost lead to their demise. Luckily, they had found each other before it was too late.

Chengcheng is definitely a lucky boy. He knows that every time he looks at you. He also has the advantage of being older than you and therefore, could take care of the line that held you both together.

When he was younger, Chengcheng developed feelings for you. He was about thirteen when he first told his older sister that he thought you were pretty. His big sister simply smiled and agreed but warned him to keep his feelings at bay. She didn’t want him to lose a best friend in the process of something that wasn’t fated to be. But Chengcheng knew, somewhere deep down inside of him, that you were the one for him.

It’s getting closer to midnight now. Your parents had promised to take you out for breakfast in the morning and were fast asleep. You were well on your ways to bed too when you heard a tap at your window. You got up and peaked out to see Chengcheng throwing pebbles towards the glass.

“What are you doing?” you laugh.

“Come out!” he tells you.

You roll your eyes at him. He’s such a silly boy, you think. You pad down to the front door and smile as you see Chengcheng sitting on the porch with a cupcake. He waves you over as he places the candle on top and carefully lights it.

“What are you doing?” you ask again, taking a seat across from him.

“I wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday,” he explains. “Are you excited?”

“For what?” you cross your arms, leaning closer to look at the cupcake.

“To find out who your soulmate is!” he grins.

You roll your eyes. “Chengcheng, a soulmate is the last thing on my mind. I have to start getting ready for college,” you explain. “I’ve waited eighteen years to find out who my soulmate is. I’m sure I could wait a bit longer.”

“You never know,” he smiles as he holds up the cupcake. He slowly starts to sing to you, his voice quiet and gentle.

You’ve liked Chengcheng since you were twelve. The boy had made some comment about how pretty you were and since then, everything has gone down hill. You think about him a lot. You think about his pretty smile, his full lips and how sweet he is towards you. You guys were best friends though so despite how you felt, you decided to keep your feelings at bay. You didn’t want to lose your best friend over something that wasn’t fated to be.

Chengcheng finishes up the song and smiles, telling you to close your eyes and make a wish.

You sigh and shut your eyes.

You were going to be 18 in seconds. That meant that you would find out who your soulmate was. Maybe you wouldn’t find out for a while but the thought still scared you. To end up with someone who wasn’t Chengcheng scared you. Yeah, you dated around a bit in hopes it would take your mind off of Chengcheng but to no avail. You were so deeply in love with him that you would constantly ask him if soulmates were true in hopes that he would turn and say no. You hoped he would tell you that soulmates didn’t exist, that you wouldn’t find yours in hopes that maybe you could bend the rules and end up together.

Chengcheng counts down from ten. His breath fanning over your face with every word.

I wish that no matter what happens, Chengcheng stays in my life forever, you wish.

And as the clock strikes twelve, you don’t even get the chance to open your eyes. Chengcheng has suddenly planted his lips on yours. You’re shocked. His kiss is filled with desperation and need. One hand finds it’s way to your hip while the other intertwines his fingers with yours. You cup his cheek, a blush prominent on your face.

He kisses you for what seems like forever that when he pulls away, out of breath and bashful, you’re surprised that the sun hasn’t come up yet.

He kisses you a couple of more times, grinning and nipping at your lips.

“Cheng,” you breathe.

“I’ve waited so long for this,” he whispers between kisses. “Do you know how mad you drive me? How hard it’s been not to just pull your stupid face to mine and kiss you all the time? Do you even realize how hard this last year has been?” he scolds you, pressing more kisses to your neck.

You gasp, “Chengcheng.”

He kisses you once more before pulling away and grinning, holding your intertwined hands up.

That’s when you see it. A red string that shines so bright that it radiates onto Chengcheng’s cheeks. It shines and sparkles and explains so much why, no matter how much you’ve tried, you’ve never been able to shake the feelings you felt for Chengcheng.

“You’ve waited for a long time,” he whispers. “Hello, my soulmate.”

masterlist

#yanjuniverse ; nine percent #ninepercentnet #nine percent #9%#9 percent #idol producer #idol producer imagine #idol producer scenarios #fan chengcheng #fan chengcheng idol producer #fan chengcheng au #fan chengcheng imagine #fan chengcheng scenario #fan chengcheng nine percent #fan chengcheng nex7 #nex7 imagine #yuehua nex7

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loveydoveypiperwright · 5 years

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Part One

“‘Tis time to get back to your studies, little man.” Kieran mimicked his mother, passing through Skyhold’s garden. Kieran sat down beside Cylan, who was harvesting plants with Elan Ve'mal.

Cylan continued on with the plant, speaking without looking at his cousin.

“Why 'r you ov'r here? Did she tell ya’ to leave?”

Kieran rolled his eyes, planting his palms in the grass behind him. “I was talking with the Inquisitor! But she butt in!”

Cylan looked up as he spoke, staring at Auntie Morrigan conversing with the tallest woman he’s ever seen in his life.

“The Inquisitor’s som’ kinda monster?”

“No, she’s a Qunari. Not like the other one here though. Qunari are really big and have horns!”

“Oooh, that’s cool. I wan’ horns. Think I can grow 'em?”

Kieran giggled, “I don’t think you can, silly. Most you can do is grow an inch taller!”

“Hey!” Cylan playfully punched his arm. He looked back, and the woman was out of sight.

“Now, now, children.” Elan set a pot in front of Kieran, instructing him how to plant Embrium.

—–

Morrigan patted a bit of the sludge off of Kieran’s face. The kitchen had made a lovely ram and cabbage stew, but it was sure messy.

Cylan had finished well before, fumbling with his Maman’s locket. He clicked it open, staring at the worn images of the two women.

Morrigan watched him as he did, pondering if Leliana knew of his presence here.

Minutes passed, and the three had all finished their supper.

“Kieran, would you please clean these? Cylan and I have business to attend too.”

“Yes, mother.” Kieran got up, carrying the bowls and utensils off towards the well near the stables.

Morrigan beckoned Cylan to follow. He clicked the locket shut, running after her. The two traversed up into the main hall, then off to the right into a tower.

Morrigan kept a steady pace as Cylan intook this part of the fortress. He had hoped to explore it when they arrived earlier, but the size of it all was intimidating.

An elven man at the bottom of the tower had been sitting at his desk, sketching. He stopped for a quick moment, glancing at the elven child. As they went up the steps to the second floor, it felt like every set of eyes were on him. A man with fancy armor and a robed elven lady stared at him as they passed, but they seemed more fixated on his aunt.

Nearing the third floor, over the caws of crows, a set of voices could be heard. Two or three women, maybe.

A golden lady was jotting onto a paper while the armored woman spoke. A hooded woman sat in a desk, her hands ruffled through her hair, chiming in to say something as well, but whatever they were speaking of didn’t seem urgent to Morrigan.

Morrigan approached them, looking like a sore thumb. “Leliana, when do you have any time? There’s something important I must give you.”

The two women stopped, glancing her up and down. They didn’t seem to take notice of Cylan. Leliana looked up at her, pulling her hood off, leaning forward in her chair.

“Lovely to see you again, Morrigan. I hope you’re fitting in well. What is it?”

“'Twould be a good idea to beckon off your colleagues. You’d likely not take this the way you think.”

“No, I’m sure whatever it is will help. You came on your own accord, you must have something valuable.”

“I do have something yes, but this is a matter of someone.”

The armored woman exchanged glances with the golden lady.

“And who would that be?” Leliana repositioned herself in her seat.

Morrigan beckoned for Cylan to come out from behind the travel marker. Cylan came running, standing in front of Morrigan.

Morrigan continued, “Show her your locket, Cylan.”

The ten-year-old clicked it open, facing it towards Leliana.

Leliana’s expression softened, her mouth unhinging slightly. “That’s…” She looked to the child, whose eyes had glazed over.

She smiled to him, her lips quivering, nodding her head. She slumped onto her knees as he ran around the desk. The two embraced, burying into each other’s shoulders.

Leliana looked to the other two women, gesturing with her eyes they should leave. The golden lady turned first, tapping the armored woman to follow. Once they were out of view, Leliana allowed herself weakness.

The two pulled apart. Leliana ran her hands along his arms, smiling at him. “Hello again mon chéri, it’s been a while.”

The boy nodded, tears streaming down his face. “Its been so long, Mama!”

Leliana wiped his cheek with her thumb, “Well,” Her voice cracked ever so slightly, “I’m here now.” They hugged once more. Leliana looked at Morrigan, who nodded to her and left. A number of tears fell from her chin.

——-

“So darling, why were you with Morrigan? What happened to Maman?”

The child swung his feet from a chair, watching her unlatch her boots, “Maman 'ad to leave a long time ago, f'r some mi'ty quest. She thought Auntie Morri was tha’ best to take m’ in.”

Leliana thought of the letters Ayesleigh had sent her over the years. In fact, there were only seven since Varric’s interrogation.

She remembered unfolding the very letter Ayesleigh had written about her new purpose; the pages were a crinkly yellow, some of the ink blotting the other side of the page. The cure to the Calling, if she could find it. Cylan is in good care, dearest. Both of us are not fit to take care of him for the moment. I hope in due time, when our journies are over, that we may see him again, together. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. Ayesleigh.

That had been a worrisome night. She had known of her wife’s closest contacts, and yet she felt there were a million walls between them and her. Leliana was left in the dark about Cylan for five years.

“Are you okay, Mama?” Cylan had moved from the chair, now tugging at her chainmail.

Leliana broke free of her state, looking down at him. She had begun to remove her gauntlets, but nothing came of it. She smiled at him, “I am fine, darling. It’s time to rest.”

She scooped him up, placing him in her bed. She tucked him in, pulling back the hair covering his forehead, planting a kiss.

“Mama?”

“Yes, darling?”

“When will we see Maman again?”

“Very soon, I hope.”

#natty rambles #leliana #morrigan #kieran #cylan surana #Natty's OC Bits

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cynthiaandsamus · 3 years

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Custom Toonami Block Week 65 Rundown!

Oh boy this is a big on this time we have an unprecedented three finales this week! I absolutely did not plan this but it’s pretty neat to see three stories wrap up at the same time and be ready for three new series on the block next week!

Code Geass: Despite Zero reappearing right after Lelouch disappears in a terrorist attack, the government people monitoring Lelouch still aren’t sure that it’s him just because Zero was making a speech while he was in class, like it’s not like Zero’s a masked figure that anyone can just put on the mask or anything. Still Lelouch takes Shirley on a date to cover up his actions while Gulford threatens to execute the rest of the Black Knights and Kallen yells at C.C. while naked. Lelouch corners Rolo but he has Za Warudo so it doesn’t work and suddenly Xingke wants the Black Knights dead.

Inuyasha: Naraku makes an incarnation out of the most evil thing about him… HIS FEELS. Dude’s seriously done with feeling shit about stuff so he’s just like “okay feels, time to die” and it takes the form of a horny masked man with the personality of FMA’s Greed who abducts Kagome as soon as she gets back from her quirky modern day adventure because despite not knowing who he is, he’s part of Naraku and being a simp for Kikyo is engraved in his soul.

Yu Yu Hakusho: Hiei outsmarts the booby trap for the smashy smashy ceiling by figuring out it and the off switch were bugged not like he couldn’t outrun a huge boulder anyway. Kurama fights Pica from One Piece and pulls a Killua and rips out the dude’s heart while he’s still alive while showing off his cool flower power whip. So that’s one beast down in half an episode, good pace so far.

Unlimited Blade Works: So two years have passed and now Rin and Shirou are going to Hogwarts together and have this weird almost-relationship where they live together and do everything together but act like it’s weird that they do that and aren’t affectionate at all so idfk what this relationship is supposed to be. Rin has a Foxy Boxing match and Shirou tells the Ministry of Magic can go fuck themselves because he’s the main character and doesn’t play by anybody else’s rules even though he has no clue what the fuck he’s doing. Rin does a pinky swear with him about how they’ll get a fairy tale ending but he still ends up as Archer in buttfuck nowhere but is slightly less edgy about it, making this basically an exact replica of the ending of Madoka Magica (I’m not sure if this is actually the homage PMMM was going for or not because the ending is the time traveler back where they started walking through a desert anyway so idk)

Panty and Stocking: Panty goes through some shit because Heaven slutshames her but also takes away virgin angels’ powers so you have to be the specified amount of slut I guess. She has a farce of a workup arc and gets to fucking Briefs’ deus ex cockina to get her powers back just in time for Stocking to show up and have them take on Demon Frieza’s Penis Ghost ™. Garterbelt dies twice but he gets better and they use the Bat Credit Card to order a giant heaven railgun but shoot it the wrong way so Monty Python God has to come down and stomp Corset herself, also Stocking’s a demon and kills Panty as setup for season 2 which it’s been like ten years now so don’t think that shit’s gonna happen, god this series was weird.

FMA Brotherhood: The Epilogue finally comes and we get a good grasp on what everyone does with the rest of their lives. The main couples get together and Ed and Al set out on new journies to gather as many perspectives as possible to help solve the world’s problems. Decent amount better than Ed and Al being stuck in Nazi Germany and leaving Winry behind for no reason but to suffer like the last anime. I like how Ed and Al basically become the reincarnations of the golden sages from the West and East that were Hoenheim and Father originally bringing alchemic knowledge to those regions while the brothers are ones trying to gain knowledge from everywhere, good parallels all around.

Durarara!!: Masaomi gets his spotlight episode which can basically be summed up as “I keep trying to get out but they just pull me back in” while we begin the Saika arc and Masaomi goes through his whole philosophy while trying to keep Mikado from joining the Dollars (boy is he in for a surprise) also there’s a knife-wielding maniac going around slicing people up but that’s just a B-plot in a city with motorcycle riding dullahans and vending machine throwing waiters, you know how it is.

Gonna be a shame to see FMA Brotherhood go, it’s the last anime from the start of the block left aside from Inuyasha, but the finale was sweet as always. Fate was weird and confusing but I’m willing to give it another shot with the next series. And Panty and Stocking... was weird, I feel like if I was watching it in 2010 I’d like it a lot more, I didn’t hate it but the constant irreverence made it a bit hard to get invested in the plot. Like I like that Panty and Stocking are complete bitches but there was absolutely no moment of realtalk where we don’t have them be the most horrible people on the planet for a bit, feel like it was just lacking that contrast that makes rooting for assholes more fun, it’s like eating all-marshmallow cereal, it sounds fun but it’s probably going to make you sick. Anyway get ready for the announcement of the new serieses for the block next week!

#ooc #Toonami #Custom Toonami Block #Code Geass #Inuyasha #Yu Yu Hakusho #Fate Stay Night #Unlimited Blade Works #Panty and Stocking #FMA Brotherhood #Durarara!!

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