#the defenders saga | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

agentem · 2 years

Text

Emily watches "Inhumans"

Awhile ago I made a post if I should watch and recap the terrible Marvel series "Inhumans" and absolutely no one encouraged me, so I only have myself to blame for this.

My only defense is that I saw someone saying you had to watch this before Ms. Marvel. And I want everyone to know that you do not. They have changed the origin story of Kamala Khan. I've heard three reasons for this.

They didn't want her to have the same powers as Reed Richards (doubtful, his movie isn't in production yet).

They want her to tie into the story of The Marvels better (most plausible).

This is my own pet theory, and I have no proof of it. But I think Kevin Feige hates this show. Not the actors (since we've seen Anson Mount return) or the characters, but the production.

See, in the short history of Marvel Studios there has been but one movie officially announced that never made it to the big screen. That is the Inhumans movie. The release date was set for November 2018. It was supposed to be part of phase 3. But it never came.

Rumor has it that Marvel big wig Ike Perlmutter (known for hits like "no one will know the difference between Terrence Howard and Don Cheadle; Black people all look alike" and "the woman can't be the villain in Iron Man 3 because no one buys girl toys" and "a Black Panther movie is a bad idea") really wanted another superhero team to be the MCU's X-Men, and he was determined for it to be the Inhumans.

Admittedly, they are a team with powers so I can see where that idea would come from. Joe Robert Cole supposedly wrote a screenplay, but he was then moved onto Black Panther.

This was all happening during the Kevin Feige-Ike Perlmutter "turf war", which insiders have reported was because Kevin Feige wanted to make a movie about (gasp) a female superhero, and Perlmutter and his team opposed it.

In 2015, Feige won and got Marvel Studios split from Marvel Entertainment, so he reported only to Bob Iger (then the CEO of Disney) directly while the Marvel Television president, Jeph Loeb, still had to report to Perlmutter et al.

Long story short, I think this production was a point of contention. Because it was Perlmutter's baby and Feige was challenging his authority. Thus, if Feige wouldn't make the movie, it was shunted to TV since Loeb still reported to Perlmutter.

The Inhumans were also inserted into Agents of SHIELD another Marvel TV production, presumably in an attempt at brand synergy.

But some rich guy really wanting a cool superhero team doesn't mean it will happen. You need the right script and this... wasn't it. They hired Scott Buck, who did the first season of Iron Fist as the showrunner. Because that was such a resounding success? So it was probably doomed from the start.

Perhaps murdering Anson Mount's Black Bolt in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness was cathartic for some folks at Marvel Studios. I certainly don't think he's bad in the role (except for the sign language stuff which I talk about under the cut). So I'd be okay with him coming back if Feige ever does decide he wants to produce an Inhumans project.

But this is the project Marvel Studios wants you to forget about. It's literally not on the Marvel page in Disney+. You have to search for it specifically and even then it's like "Are you sure you didn't mean Inside Out?" (And "The Defenders Saga" as it's now known is featured on the Disney+ Marvel page.)

I watched the first episode so you don't have to. You're welcome.

"Behold... the Inhumans"!

I should say most of what I know about the Inhumans comes from Ms Marvel comics and dumb computer games. (Gorgon was cool in Avengers Alliance and Karnak absolutely wrecks people in Marvel Puzzle Quest.)

If you can make their powers cool in games, you should be able to make them cool on TV.

That is... not what happens here.

We open in Hawai'i and my first note is "damn, hasn't Hawaii suffered enough?" A young Inhuman woman is running from masked people with guns. She is rescued(?) by Triton whose prosthetics look very uncomfortable. In Hawaii too? Seems sweaty. I hope that actor got hazard pay. Also because he is almost immediately shot and falls off a cliff into the ocean.

An alert that something is amiss goes to the Inhuman king, Black Bolt (Handsome Mount). But he's busy fucking his wife, Queen Medusa, and she doesn't let him answer it. I would hope that there would be some kind of hierarchy to the alert system so he doesn't just treat "this guy might be dead" like some random text. This advanced civilization has not thought of that.

Meanwhile a Lunar Rover is exploring the moon but it gets too close to the city of Attilan (currently located on Earth's moon). On Earth, the rover operator is surprised to see a hoof in its final video. It's Gorgon!

We are introduced to most of the group. Black Bolt, Medusa, Gorgon and also Karnack (who is played by the same actor who played Quill aka Three Inch Spike Guy in X-Men: the Last Stand so he knows of shitty Marvel projects) and Black Bolt's brother Maximus, played by Iwan Rheon of Misfits and Game of Thrones. Rheon is trying a lot harder than the script deserves.

From the jump, Maximus is like "we should invade Earth and stop hiding. My brother's plan is dumb." Everyone is like "Oh you. How silly."

Then we have a Terrigenesis ceremony which is to explain a little more about how the Inhumans get their powers. It's also important because Anson Mount wears a headband that is supposed to be a crown, I think, but it looks more like he's in a kids' karate tournament.

A girl and a boy enter the terrigen mist chambers. The girl comes out with butterfly wings and everyone is so happy for her. The boy has some kind of fit when Maximus touches him and tells him he saw Maximus with "snakes" all around.

He clearly has some kind of vision power, but everyone is like "oh he sucks send him to the mines."

That's right, the mines. The "Lower Caste Facility" is where the people with boring powers go. They have to mine for terrigen crystals, I think? While the Higher Caste people just fuck and don't answer their phones.

Maximus tells the Lower Caste Facility that he thinks they should invade Earth. They are literally standing in a ditch and can't even defeat the six or so Royal Family members so they don't seem into it.

At this point I pause it to see if this is almost over because it seems like I've been watching forever but I am only halfway through.

Karnak is very creepy to a server at dinner. I immediately want to stop using him in Marvel Puzzle Quest.

Maximus comes in to announce that Triton is dead which we would have known at the beginning if Black Bolt had answered his communicator. But also, this presumes that he NEVER looked at it since then which is just bad kinging, in my opinion.

We get some exposition that Earth's water is contaminated and it's causing the descents of those left behind (???) to transform. Black Bolt thinks they should go get them and bring them to Attilan. Maximus wants to--you'll never guess this--invade Earth.

Gorgon is sent to try to find Triton.

Black Bolt conveys to Medusa that he needs to go think, which he does in a weird concrete circular chamber, which I assume allows him to make noise without killing people? But why does he have to think there. Do his thoughts make sound?

Also, it really bothers me that they have Black Bolt using hand gestures to "speak" to Medusa but it's not ASL even though they speak English, it's just him doing nonsense hand gestures and she always says aloud what he is supposed to be signing. This would've been a cool opportunity for representation. FAIL.

Maximus creepily approaches Medusa. All the Inhumans be creepin'. She strangles him with her hair and he is like "snakes!" Get it? Because she's Medusa. He realizes the kid from the ceremony has visions of the future, which I would have guessed when he had a fucking seizure because you touched him. But the Inhumans are slow (probably because they so busy creepin').

He goes to the leader of the "Genetic Counsel" about the kid. This guy says the kid just has hallucinations. Maximus goes on his tirade about how they should invade Earth again and the Counsel member is like "Gasp! I am going to tell the king!" So Maximus has him murdered.

... which ???? He literally said he wanted to invade Earth in front of the King earlier. He also gave a speech to the Lower Caste about it. It's a secret???

Gorgon discovers that Maximus sent the people with guns to attack Triton at the same time Karnak is attacked by some guards.

Karnak's powers are so cool and they make them look so slow and lame. It's a real bummer. Grogon also kicks a guy with his boot, and shouldn't he have hooves? Clearly no one was paying attention.

Karnak sends an alert to Crystal, who I haven't talked about yet. She's Medusa's sister and she literally looks like someone spray painted her hair. It should've been a hair clip or a headdress, anyone would tell you that. And was it permanent? Did the actress have to walk around like that? If so, she should also get hazard pay.

Crystal is listening to headphones and also doesn't answer her alert bracelet!! What is it with the royal family and not paying attention during a crisis! I'm starting to think they shouldn't be in charge.

But Crystal is lucky because she is with the GREATEST of the Inhumans--the dog Lockjaw, who is really the brains of the outfit. Lockjaw teleports Karnak to Earth while Crystal goes to get her sister, Medusa.

Maximus and his guards come for Medusa and they give maybe a minute of terrible CGI hair fighting, before Maximus shaves off her hair with an hair clipper. They put this in slow motion with ~DRAMATIC~ music. And I get that her hair is power... and maybe it hurts to have it shorn but. They didn't kill her.

In fact, they just leave her weeping on the ground and go look for Black Bolt in his "thinking" room.

And I'm like, "Hey, Medusa, get a gun and shoot them." (They do have guns, the guards had them.) So like, find a weapon. Or call for help. They told you they are going to kill your husband and then left you without a guard. That's terrible coup-ing.

But Crystal and Lockjaw show up and teleport Medusa out of there.

Maximus confronts Black Bolt and we get the hilarious flashback of Black Bolt killing their parents by saying "WHY?" Then they are just splatter on the wall. But black splatter. Shouldn't there be blood? Were his parents spiders?

But before the brothers can have a show-down, Lockjaw appears and teleports Black Bolt to Hawaii.

See? Lockjaw is the best one!

Who's the goodest Inhuman? YOU ARE!

End of episode. And people watched this and were like, “yeah nailed it. The guy who wrote this should do IRON FIST next”

14 notes · View notes