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alreadyblondenow · 4 years

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This is how you broke Jeno’s heart

Lee Jeno x reader //ANGST, smut, fluff?

Themes: college! au, strangers to friends???, popular Jeno, normal student reader, sad ending

Word count: 5k

Summary: He was your lover, and now he’s your professor. Lee Jeno is Valentines day, 2017. Lee Jeno is afternoon golden hour drive, windows open as you let the wind gush into your face. Lee Jeno is burgers during movies on theaters. Lee Jeno is the holy grail and you broke his heart.

Warnings: mentions of other idols, pairing of other idols, swearing, car sex, protected sex, rough sex, slight cheating, sad ending

A/N: I did this in one sitting so I understand if this is not loved. but anyway, this is inspired from true events. And fuck, I was actually getting teary eyed while writing this because I recently found out he’s going to be married so yeah. Enjoy reading another sad story about my love life! Oh I picked Jeno because he looked like Jeno :(

SENIOR YEAR

Three terms before graduating college, finally. Today is the first day of senior year and you’re late for your 7:30am class because of your best friend who doesn’t care about punctuality plus the elevator is taking too long and you’re worried because it’s a class you don’t want to miss because it’s hard to pass. Or so you’ve heard.

“Gosh, first day and were late?” you whine as your best friend hands you a medium sized coffee as a sorry for being late and as thank you for waiting for her.

“Since when did we ever went to class on time? And look at us now, graduating in a few months with good ass portfolio’s” she took a sip from her coffee as you both walk towards the classroom, “I wonder who the professor is” she added but the moment you guys arrived the classroom there were no professor, just waiting students freezing under the high temperature air conditioning of the school.

You removed your jacket and prepared your things on the desk, checking through twitter while you wait for the professor to come and boom.

“Good morning class, sorry I was late but no worries. If you come in late next time, I won’t care just to be fair. Please sign this attendance sheet, pass it around as I prepare for class”

You don’t know if he saw you but you’re sure he’s someone you know and you’re hands are shaking not because of the coffee, but because of the man right in front of the whole class. Your best friend nudge you shoulder, clearly you’re thinking about the same thing. “Are you seeing this?” she whispered beside you, pretending to fix her jacket behind her chair.

“Fuck. I thought It’s just someone who has the same features as him”

Lee Jeno.

Lee Jeno is Valentines day, 2017. Lee Jeno is afternoon golden hour drive, windows open as you let the wind gush into your face. Lee Jeno is burgers during movies on theaters. Lee Jeno is the holy grail and you broke his heart.

Flashbacks kept on coming the whole class hour and it was so hard to concentrate and listen to him while he teaches. His eyes looked at you but you don’t know if he recognise the girl who broke his heart. Maybe the school offered him a job? Or this is a part time job? Dropping the subject was your last chance and only idea to avoid him but doing that can make you not graduate on time. Fuck, you whispered to yourself.

After the class, you hurry on putting your things to your bag but not quick enough to avoid Jeno’s presence. Your best friend left you on purpose because she knew Jeno will not let this opportunity pass and as someone who knew about your history, you two need to talk. Standing beside you with his hands inside his pocket, looking at you as you hurry out the room. “No ‘hi’ or ‘hello’” his face is as handsome as ever. There’s not a day goes by that you don’t regret hurting this amazing guy.

“See you on Thursday, Sir Lee” you smiled like an innocent student and left him on the empty classroom.

FRESHMAN YEAR

Your first year in college is about adapting, adjusting with the surroundings, finding yourself or finding a certain classroom for hours and hours because the school campus is still not familiar to you. College is so different to high school especially when it comes to lunch breaks. Your lunch break is two hour long before a 5 hour brain challenging class. Good thing you have your best friend who knows how to kill time in a fun way.

“I bet your life will change in two minutes, when Lee Jeno finally enter through that door”

“Lee who?” obviously you’ve never heard about that handsome senior your best friend is talking about.

“Jeno” unlike you, your best friend knew every popular student from the higher batch. “There he is. He’s fucking handsome, I can’t believe him”

At first you didn’t want to look back, you just want your best friend to enjoy her eye candy of a crush. The way her eyes turned to heart eyes is amusing alone and you’re satisfied with that. But you are curious. So you figured, why the hell not?

Jeno was sitting with his friends the moment you turned your head towards him. He was smiling and laughing at his friends while he sits so handsome holding his phone. You didn’t notice that you were looking hard and that your best friend is the one making fun of you this time. It’s true what she just said, Lee Jeno will change your life.

“So how popular are we talking about?” you turned your head towards your best friend with a big smile.

“Popular. Girls write love letters to him and put it inside his locker and guess what, those girls knew the combination of his lock. That means girls are crazy for him, literally. Not to mention he’s smart and friends with the other cuties in the campus. Oh! He has a car, and the greatest mystery of all time…” she leaned closer to you, “Jeno and his ex, are not in good terms. And after they broke up before their freshman year ended, he never went out with someone again, he stayed single until now”

“Wasting his good looks and handsome body, and for what? For the right one? Tsk. He’s handsome but stupid” but that doesn’t changed the fact that you actually like him.

Your first year in college turned around, up side down because of Lee Jeno. You fell for him. Hard. But even though you have great feelings for the man, you kept it to yourself. Theres no way you will leave love letters in his locker before he graduates, you’re satisfied that you get to see him during your long hour lunch break and watch him smile everyday.

And as life goes on and Freshman year is almost over, that means Jeno will soon graduate and it’s time to let go of your silly crush and find another one in school. You’re not stupid to cry over a guy you’ve never even had a conversation with, but you’re sad enough that you got teary eyed when you found Jeno’s usual seat in the cafeteria being taken by some random student.

It was the start of Sophomore year and you have different schedules with your best friend. That leaves you alone during your two hour long lunch break. No Jeno. No best friend. Just you and the school’s yummy pasta, alone in table in the middle of the cafeteria full of young bloods.

“Is this seat taken? Sorry everywhere else is full”

Your mouth was full of pasta and you can’t talk or lift your head to see who it is so to avoid humiliating yourself, you signalled, ‘it’s okay. Sure take the seat.’ When you finally chewed and swallowed your food, you almost choke yourself with your own spit because it’s Lee Jeno. Eating the same pasta as yours, in front of you.

“I usually sit with my friends during lunch breaks, but they’re all gone now. Graduated already. Hi, I’m Jeno by the way” he offered his hand for you to shake and smiled handsomely.

“Uh, y/n” you gladly accepted the handshake, but you manage to keep your calm and don’t freak him out. The last thing you want to happen is Lee Jeno thinking that you’re weird. “Aren’t you a Senior? I mean, you’re kind of popular, so I know”

“Yeah. But not everyone knows I have failed a few subjects so, that’s our secret” he held a ‘shh’ gesture and continue eating.

Who would’ve thought that him failing his subjects will draw him straight to your life. It’s not right to be happy that he didn’t get to graduate on time, but you’re glad it happened.

During your time eating with each other face to face, you talked about how silly the school is for giving their students hours and hours of lunch breaks only to torture them with a five hour class afterwards. He asked about your stay here in this college and why did you pick fine arts, you did the same. It was a talk that you never imagined having with Jeno and you’re having a great time. Until those two hours are finally done and you both have to go to your respective classes.

If Cinderella had her time with her prince at the ball, you had your time with your prince in the middle of the cafeteria during lunch. Just like Cinderella, you don’t know if this kind of moment will happen again in your life. It’s not as if you can just leave your shoe and let him find you again, you just left with a smile, thanked him for his time and he thanked you for the seat.

You didn’t know, but Jeno was actually sad and having a hard time. He was having a bad day and he misses his friends, cursing this popularity that he never asked. Now everyone in school will judge him for being a late graduate. On top of that, he’s not used to eating alone and he was pretty worried until he saw you with a vacant seat. He didn’t expect to enjoy your company but boy is he glad he met you today. It’s like meeting you brightened up his mood, now he has something to look forward to during lunch breaks.

On the next day, you don’t want to keep waiting and expect the same thing that happened yesterday happen again today. So you distracted yourself with a movie. And while you’re in deep concentration with the movie while you’re eating your cookies, you saw a hand get a piece and you put on an angry face because who dared doing such a rude-

“Oh Jeno…” you were like a statue when he placed his bag on the chair and brought out some books to work on something, his homework maybe?

“Sorry for the cookie, I’ll buy you another pack after we finish this and after I do this stupid homework” he turned to his books while eating the cookie on his hand.

We. The word made you smile and nod at him, not wanting to disturb him while he studies. You figured maybe comparing yourself with Cinderella was wrong because your prince didn’t need a shoe for him to come find you.

After that second interaction with Jeno… A third happened, fourth, fifth, and so on and so forth. He depended on your great company to save him from his own sadness and heavy thoughts because being an irregular student makes him lonely and whenever he remembers not graduating with his friends makes him sad plenty.

You two spend lunch breaks together everyday and talk about everything and anything under the sun, talking about each other’s interests, laughing loudly at each other’s jokes like you’ve been friends for years and years already. In other words, you and your college crush became good friends. Maybe if you’re not destined to be lovers, you two are bound to be good college friends.

“Hey do you want to go for a drive?” the question made your heart beat fast because it’s a drive with Jeno were talking about here. You do have one last class for the day but, no one will die if you miss it just this once.

“Sure” you smiled wildly to his offer and you two made your way to the school’s parking lot.

The drive was something you will never forget because you’re with Jeno. Simple as that. The sun hits his face perfectly while his eyes are fixed on the road and you feel the wind slapping your face because he’s driving a little too fast to make it exciting and fun. He went to a drive thru and bought burgers for the two of you and eat it inside the car in the middle of an empty parking lot somewhere.

To Jeno, that drive was the proof that he’s falling for you hard. But it’s also a proof that he’s scared of loosing you once you knew about his hidden feelings. He shrugged it off and focused to the way you ate your hamburger that makes him smile but when you ask for his hamburger because you’re still hungry, it makes him happy.

That drive sparked something between you two. It’s obvious that he likes you and you’re not stupid to not see it, he’s just not saying it yet because maybe he’s waiting for the perfect time or assurance. No one knows.

As for you feelings, let’s just say you don’t know what you want. You’re still convinced that Jeno is destined to be a great friend and not as someone who’m you can love. But since he’s been your crush, your heart still beats for him.

“Did you know that a lot of girls are crazy about you? And that they can open your locker?”

Jeno let out a loud laugh that echoes inside his car, “I know about the locker, but that locker is not just mine. It’s Haechan’s, Mark’s and Renjun’s and mine. So every time theres a letter we don’t know how to feel about it”

“Oh my, good thing I never sent you one” you laughed to yourself too.

“So you’re one of those girls? You crazy about me too?” heat creeps around your body and suddenly you avoid his eyes, “You are…” he pretends to be shocked.

“Calm down, I used to be like those girls. Okay, you can stop teasing me” you shook your head on disbelief because this is not how you imagined telling Jeno that you used to have a crush on him.

“I think you’re cute and I’m not embarrassed to tell you that so you shouldn’t be embarrassed on admitting that you used to have a crush on me” to Jeno, that’s only half true. Because he doesn’t only think that you’re cute, he thinks you’re also beautiful and he likes you. Very much.

Since the day you two became incredibly close, you realised that you’re not romantically meant to be together. But you can see him fall for you each day that passes and you hate the timing of your lives even more each day for doing this to you and Jeno. It’s like fate was playing with your feelings.

As days go by, you notice Jeno is acting a little weird towards you. Little did you know, after that drive he confirmed to himself that he likes you and not just as friend. And because of that, he’s taking baby steps on turning your friendship into something more romantic.

Come Valentines day, you didn’t expect something special to happen this day because you’re single and no one in school is interested in you. But you’re wrong. Lee Jeno has something up his sleeve and he caught off guard. For the first time in your life someone gave you a Valentine card, a box of expensive chocolates, and a red rose. All that Valentines shit couples give out during this day.

And it made you crazy happy that Jeno actually thought he has a chance with you.

“Wow. From Lee Jeno” you read his Valentine card and blush like crazy in front of him at the school cafeteria. It did made you happy, for some time. For a moment you forgot that Jeno is a god, who gave you Valentine goodies in front of a lot of students who knew him. And that’s how people in school knew about you and Jeno. Rumours spread like wild fire, you started getting hate message all over social media from those crazy girls. Everyone thought you’re just that Sophomore friend of Jeno and they didn’t expect that Jeno will like you.

‘Find someone prettier’

‘Her vs. your ex… definitely your ex’

‘You deserve someone better’

All those hurtful words got the best of you and it made you small. But even though you got hurt, you figured they’re just jealous of you and you won’t let them ruin your friendship with Jeno.

Given the fact that he’s being confident with showing his feelings for you, and to be fair and to be completely nice, you just let him do his thing without hurting his feelings. If he wants to text you good morning messages and send you subtle but sweet phrases, you let him. If he wants to sit beside you during lunch breaks and not on his usual seat across you, so be it. If he insist on waiting for you after class and drive you home, you accept it. These are the things that you imagine him doing to you during freshman year but now that it’s actually happening, you feel weird about it.

Finally he asked you out on a date. Which you turned down because you have school stuff to finish and he completely understands it. And then he asked you out again, and you had to turn him down again. Because you really don’t want to go on a date with him.

“I think I’m doing something wrong?” he drinks his fourth bottle of beer while his friends listens to everything he says. Seeing the Lee Jeno so broken and frustrated like this is new to them. Turns out, you’re the only girl he’s interested with after being single for almost four years.

“Give her time that’s my say, maybe you’re intimidating her at some point and she’s not into popular guys” Mark pats Jeno’s shoulder and clinks his bottle of beer with Jeno’s.

“Any word from her best friend?” Jeno asks, and Mark shook his head none. Your best friend and Mark Lee have been dating for some time now and that officially put both of your names into the hall of fame. And a possible target of the crazy girls who are head over heels for Jeno and Mark.

Jeno didn’t understand why. It’s not that he’s so full of himself that he’s so confident that he can win you with his charms, but theres something different about you that even though it’s obvious that you only love him as a friend, he kept on pushing and pushing. And he wanted to do it until he can finally call you his.

Now that Jeno is busy being an intern outside school, you no longer see each other everyday and talk to each other like how you usually do. That’s how you met Hendery. Unlike you and Jeno who started off being friends, you and Hendery started off being sweethearts. And maybe that’s what went wrong between you and Jeno because you completely remember that you still have feelings for him the moment he ate one of your cookie, then your feelings slowly fade away each day you two meet.

You told Jeno all about Hendery through one of your calls before going to sleep simply because you don’t want him to find out from other people. “He’s a great guy, we went on a date yesterday after school”

“Two weeks with this guy and he can get you on a date? Wow” Jeno is broken, “I’m with you for over six months already and I asked you to go on a date with me twice…. you never said yes” the hurt from his voice is obvious and your heart is breaking because you didn’t mean to hurt him, you just wanted to be honest.

After that call, you and Jeno did not talked to each other. You wanted so bad to talk to him but you’re scared that he’ll get the wrong memo and that he will think that he still stand a chance. So yet let him be and you let him come to you and you focus on Hendery.

A few weeks after, you saw a picture of Yeeun and Jeno on one of his social media accounts having a romantic date somewhere. Complete with wine and candles. You’re jealous and theres no way you can cover it up.

“Is this some kind of joke?” you exclaimed over the phone to your best friend, mad and angry about what you just saw.

“He’s moving on give him a break. Besides I thought you don’t have feelings for him?”

“I don’t I’m just… offended because he’s completely doing this on purpose because of Hendery which is so childish! Oh my g- I can’t… ugh!” you continue to shout and scream over the phone but your best friend is in the middle of having sex with Mark so you can’t talk to her well.

Being jealous is a proof that you have feelings for him still. And you can’t give in to that because going back to Jeno will hurt Hendery, so you have to be smart and weigh things over. If Jeno ask you out on a date for the last time before being official with Hendery, you will give him a chance. But if not, that will be the end of it.

As days go by, Hendery has been going full out on showing how much he likes you and you come to the realization that you actually love Hendery already. Jeno on the other hand, haven’t talked to you since then, no hi or hello. And the thought of Jeno is the only thing that’s stopping you from making it official with Hendery. Of course you feel bad, it feels like you’re cheating on him. And to be completely honest, you’re growing tired of this push and pull with Jeno.

You were eating your favorite pasta alone while you catch up with some readings for your last class for the day when a fine young man sat in front of you. “Did you just saved me a seat?” one glance of his perfect smile made your anger vanished out of thin air.

“Yeah I kept it empty until you come back” you were happy to see him, it feels like those days when everything was still okay between you and him. No drama just you and Jeno and your own little world.

“Want to go for a drive?” he raised his eyebrows twice, luring you to miss another class for a drive with him. And because you miss him so bad, the next thing you know you’re watching a scary movie with burgers on your hands sitting closely with each other. His warmth is enough to make you feel safe and not scared with the movie and when the burgers are all finished, your hands are intertwined unconsciously.

You were both quiet when you got back to his car because of the movie you just watched. Both too scared and weirded out with how the story ended. “At least they died together”

“Yeah” you agreed immediately but you two stayed quiet.

“Did you know that you were holding my hand?”

You snap your head and looked at him, shy to answer what he asked you but theres no escape and you can’t make an excuse. “Yeah, sorry about tha-“

He’s quick to to grab your hand and hold it firmly you feel like your bones are starting to crush. It hurts but there’s no words coming out from your mouth. He made you face him with his free hand and leaned towards your face to kiss you. Just a peck as if he’s testing waters.

Then you kissed him back. And the kiss became heated that he pulled you close to him and invited you to sit on his lap, legs on the driver’s seat, his arms around your waist and yours is looking for something you can grasp because his kisses are intense.

“Why can’t you love me? Huh?” you see the hurt in his eyes when you peek in between kisses and you felt guilty. Tears run down to his face but you don’t know if it’s tears of joy or out of sadness.

“Jeno, please stop crying” you beg, breathing hard and gasping. But he never stopped.

“Say you love me” his hug against your waist tightens more as if he never wanted you leave his car, “say you love me, please” he sobs.

His begging made you do it, “I love you. Please stop crying, you don’t deserve this”

Hearing those words made him relax and loosen up his crushing embrace. His hand creeps to the hem of your shirt, playing with your tummy tickling it because he knows you’re ticklish. That changed the mood, he undid your pants and made some space so you can remove it easily. He did the same thing with his pants and boxer briefs and reached for the console to get a condom which he quickly rolled to his cock before you get back on top of him.

He motions you back close to him and put a little spit on his fingers before playing with your slit, checking if you’re ready to be fucked. “You’re not a virgin right? I don’t have to be careful anymore” he asked with ragged breath, obviously excited for what’s going to happen.

“Be gentle, still. It’s been so long since my last” you positioned your legs in between him, letting his cock tease your cunt and spread your juices more.

“Wheres the fun on being gentle? But don’t worry, I love you too much I wont let you get hurt”

You slowly sink down on him feeling his thick and veiny cock and rolled your hips slightly to help you adjust more and so you can have rough sex, just how wants. “Ah- Jen if I roll my hips longer I will cum” he chuckled and took over, thrusting hard upwards your cunt. One hard thrust at a time, you feel your head bump on top of the car roof your hands push on the windows for support. Then his thrusts became faster putting you two on edge in no time. You were moaning and letting out sharp breaths in between curses so he pulled your face closer to him and kissed you while he fucks you to your orgasm and while he catches his own.

The car smelled like sex and you were both too weak to move after cumming. It started raining hard and you feel awfully comfortable sitting on Jeno’s lap. “Just so you know, I didn’t planned for this to happen”

“I know” with all your strength you made yourself presentable again and went back to your seat and waited for Jeno to drive you home.

The rain was making you feel more sad and guilty, swimming with your thoughts while thinking about Hendery. That’s why you didn’t hear Jeno ask you is you if you were cold he needed to reach for your hand while he was driving under the strong rain and flinch because of his cold hands.

“Sorry, what” you crossed your arms so he can’t reach for your hand again. Your mind is full of Hendery and you and can’t tell him that.

Jeno on the other hand knew something is wrong that you feel guilty or mad because of the sex. But he wants to be selfish just this once to prove to you that he loves you and this is the only way. “Nothing, I asked if you were cold”

Sex never felt so wrong.

When you came home you took a shower and cried for hours, avoiding Jeno’s calls and messages because you feel bad about what happened. You don’t know what to do but you can’t tell Hendery what happened, so you did something to ease the guilt that you’re feeling. You finally made it official with Hendery, your heart broke even more when you heard him so happy through the phone because that only means he loves you too much.

Then there’s you. Having sex with a friend who’m you used to have a big crush with.

You avoided Jeno with all your power until he gets the message that you feel bad about what happened between the two of you. Until the day the that you’re ready to face him again, you will not talk to him.

And that’s how you broke Lee Jeno’s heart.

SENIOR YEAR

What happened between you and Jeno flashbacks like a movie in your head during lunch break and you can’t believe that you can feel his presence around the campus even though you can’t see him.

It’s been seven ugly months when you and Hendery broke up and you have to admit that it still hurt like hell. Cheating motherfucker didn’t deserve you. The regret of choosing Hendery over Jeno haunted you everyday but you didn’t expect that Jeno will literally comeback barging into your life again.

Maybe this time life will give you a shot at the love you deserve. And Jeno is the answer to that. But it’s been years since the last time you talked and that was the night you two had sex in his car. What you did to him was unforgivable and you feel bad, you feel like you used him but you didn’t mean it if that makes sense.

“Mark is here, you sure you don’t need a ride?” your best friend brought you back to reality while you were swimming in thoughts. You didn’t even notice it was raining hard already.

“I’ll be fine. I can just call an Uber, tell Mark to drive safe okay?” she hugged you and went towards Mark’s waiting car outside the school lobby. You were just about to book an Uber when someone tapped you on your shoulder.

“Come on I’ll drive you home. Just like old times”

“You do know that a student-teacher relationship is jail time right? This is not old times Jeno. You’re a teacher, a professor rather. And I’m still obviously a student” you turned your back on him and continued fidgeting on your phone.

“And I’m being a responsible adult, who’s offering help to a student that’s obviously in need because your phone just died on you” he smirked.

“Fine wheres your car” you said, accepting defeat.

“Right this way please” he ushered you to the elevator to go to the basement parking.

While walking to his car, you didn’t expect him to still have the car. The car where you two had sex. And that is the main reason why you didn’t want him to drive you home.

The rain caused a heavy traffic and it made you feel more suffocated inside Jeno’s car. You cross your arms because you were freezing, clinging to your thin sweater for more heat.

“Don’t worry, I won’t touch you. Please relax, you’re breaking my heart”

Your head swing towards him and you gave him a look. A look that’s telling him you’re angry and how dare him to mention your past. It was so hard not to talk back because it can end up as a fight so you kept what you’re feeling to yourself.

“You make me feel like I’m a bad person when all I ever cared about is you and loving you” he added.

“Please Jeno, don’t do this now” you beg, closing your eyes and turning your back against him looking at the cars outside.

“After that night you made me feel like I’m a rapist or something. I’m sorry that it’s not what you want to do that time, I’m sorry that I begged, Im so-“

“I forgive you. And you don’t have to say sorry because I was the one who hurt you Jeno. Not the other way around, so please understand how hard it it for me to sit with you in this car. To make you feel better I regret not choosing you. There! I said it. Now please shut up”

The ride became quiet, awkward and cold so you decided to sleep if off. When you woke up from your nap, you and Jeno are in front of your house already and he’s waiting for you to wake up. His jacket is on your lap cover your freezing legs and he even turned off the air conditioning so you won’t shiver. It was a kind gesture you admit, and he’s still Lee Jeno who cared for you. Your friend. Even though you hurt him so many times and that makes you a heartless person still, you care for him. “Thank you. And I’m sorry about earlier”

“I’m getting married” he finally blurted out.

You didn’t know. You didn’t even know that he was seeing someone “And… I’m happy for you…” what he said got you speechless and you felt your heart broke even more.

“But I recently found out through Mark that you and Hendery are over… And I started to have seconds thoughts Y/n”

MAIN MASTERLIST

Story time

Is it wrong to admit that everything inside this fic happened to me in real life? hahahaha Except to the part where he’s having second thoughts.

So yeah the story goes like that I picked someone new over my crush who’m I became good friends with and that is that. hahahaha I recently found out that he’s getting married to girl, after me. And I couldn’t help but think that WHAT IF I chose him, it could have been my wedding. :((((((((((((( oh and yeah. he looked like Jeno.

#nct-writers #nct smut #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct dream smut #jeno x reader #lee jeno x reader #nct jeno x reader #jeno smut #nct jeno smut #nct lee jeno smut #nct angst #nct jeno angst #jeno angst

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weasleymalfoypotter · 3 years

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i hate you (but not really) pt4

draco malfoy x fem!syltherin! potter reader

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

summary: draco malfoy and harry potters twin sister have hated each other since they met. but in 5th year he comes to find that maybe he doesn’t hate her and the reasons he did end up be the things he loves

word count: 2k

warnings: fluff, a little angst, cussing

A/N: i am honestly really proud of this chapter and i’m really excited for the next two. i think there are only gonna be six parts but i really hope you enjoy this one. please like and comment suggestions or criticism and feel free to reblog!! also i have a lot of stuff coming out soon so stay updated and i’ll be posting a master list once i post more fics

it’s safe to say that i am in love with draco malfoy. these last few months have been ethereal. we took our time in getting to know every detail about each other, although it wasn’t necessarily by choice. it was a lot more difficult than we thought it would be to spend time together like a normal couple would do while hiding the relationship from everyone we knew and even those we didn’t. we decided very early on that it would be best to keep it a secret for now. if his family found out about us it wouldn’t end well for him and if my brother and godfather found out... it would end very early for him. it was actually fun keeping it a secret, always sneaking around the castle, learning everyone’s routines to keep away from prying eyes, and hiding away from other prefects and filch. we abused our prefect positions to help with the whole secret relationship which is exactly what we aren’t supposed to do as prefects but it’s justified in my mind.

we’ve been together in secret for 6 months now and i think we’re both tired of not being able to sit next to each other in the great hall, walk and in hand to classes, kiss when everyone was watching, and simply go to hogsmeade together like a normal freaking couple.

we went to my dorm room after dinner on thursday night and made sure no one saw him come in. i didn’t have any roommates , thank merlin, so we didn’t have to worry about that. we cuddle up next to each other just talking about anything and everything until he moved from underneath me to sit up, criss crossed, in the middle of my bed and spoke

“i think it’s time” he was being serious and goofy at the same time which was just adorable but i was stubborn and wouldn’t tell him that. i raised my eyebrows at his statement and questioned him.

“what are you talking about?” i tilted my head to the side, voice calm and unwavering. i knew what he was talking about but i was terrified. i also knew he would be right.

“i’m talking about us, about telling people, if it gets back to my parents i’ll just tell them it’s a silly rumor. the only thing we have to do is tell your brother” his voice trailed off at the end of his statement. telling harry was the terrifying part

“i want to tell people, i really do, but harry is going to be so unbelievably upset, you have no idea. not only have i been lying to him for the past 6 months, i’m also in love with his arch nemesis who he’s hated for the past 5 years. it’s not going to go well” i was talking animatedly with my hands.

“i know but we have to get it over with sooner or later, and it’ll only be worse if it’s later” he’s right. and i hate it. i sighed and laid back on my bed and pulled me next to him. “i know you don’t want to but it really won’t be that bad”

“what were the last words my brother said to you?” he chuckled but didn’t say anything and i knew it’s because it would prove my point. “exactly. he’s going to hate me” he was tracing circles on my arm and he kissed the top of my head

“he’s not going to hate you, trust me, i used to and we saw how well that ended” we both laughed, he always made me laugh when i needed it.

“i would say it ended rather nicely” i said with a smile tilting my face to look at his. he was smiling and i loved it. i took in his features and tried to suppress this moment to memory, trying to take a mental picture of him because he was just perfect. he looked down at me laying on his chest, looking at him with my e/c eyes and i just melted.

“it ended better than nicely in my opinion” he was smiling and it was beautiful. he leaned his head down to kiss me and the only words to describe this moment and every other i’d spent with him was perfect.

here it goes. time to tell harry. or not. let’s not. dammit i cant, i promised draco i would do it. harry would usually keep me updated on their common room password so i could hang out with them or study away from the slytherins so i made my way to the portrait hole. i said the password and walked in. sure enough harry, hermione, and ron were at a couch, hermione doing homework while harry and ron talked. upon hearing someone come in they lifted their heads and smiled when they saw me.

“y/n! hey i’ve barely seen you all day where have you been?” harry asked. he hadn’t seen me all day because i was so nervous about telling him that i avoided him like the plague.

“oh you know, classes and prefect stuff has been keeping me really busy lately” i nodded fondling with my hands awkwardly

“tell me about it, i’ve been studying nonstop and i think i might fall over at any given moment.” hermione was exhausted and you could hear it in the way she spoke while she scribbled with her quill.

“you alright y/n? you look flustered” ron showed concern on his face and he was right, i am very flustered, but he gave me a segue.

“listen i actually need to tell you three something” this caught their attention and hermione put her quill down as they lifted their heads up

“what’s up?” harry asked

“okay so you have to promise me to be calm...at least at first, and don’t get mad right away because i’ll explain everything” they all looked so worried but i knew they weren’t expecting what i was going to say.

“y/n what’s going on?” harry questioned.

“promise me. all three of you. you have to promise”

“okay we promise” hermione stated and the boys nodded in agreement. i let out a breath and decided to get it over with

“so... i um..” i sighed “i’m dating someone” their faces lit up at this, harry looked excited but concerned at the same time

“who is it?! why didn’t you tell us you liked someone? when did this happened?” ron questioned before anyone else could get a word out. he was happy for me, you could hear it in his voice, and it warmed my heart but in a few seconds he wouldn’t be so warm.

“okay this is the part where you can’t get mad” they nodded, and harry just wanted to know who was dating his sister. “umm, i- uh... okay. it’s draco malfoy” i said the last part quickly and i bit my bottom lip ready for the world to fall apart. hermione’s eyebrows furrowed and her mouth dropped. ron’s eyes were wide and he was blinking as he started daggers into me with his mouth agape, and harry didn’t skip a beat.

“what the hell do you mean ‘it’s draco malfoy’!” he stood as he spoke and he was trying so hard not to completely yell but he was so confused and on the verge of pure rage.

“i mean that i’m dating draco malfoy” i stated simply. he blinked and the other two stayed silent to let him react.

“NO YOURE NOT!!”

“yes i am, now if you let me explain-“

“THERES NOTHING TO EXPLAIN Y/N!” i looked at him with pleading eyes and he took a deep breath. “okay okay there has to be some rationality to this so explain what the hell is going on. explain to me why you’re ‘dating’ the most foul, evil, and terrible person we know. explain to me how you could do this. explain to me how this is supposed to be okay” he said angrily and quite loudly. i took a deep breath and looked away before meeting his eyes again

“he isn’t foul and evil and terrible actually” i stated calmly.

“HA!! right and voldemort didn’t kill our parents. how long has this been going on?” he was flinging his hands around as he talked. i looked at my feet “y/n... how long has this been going on?”

“six months.” i said quietly, but he heard me. his face dropped

“i’m sorry, what?” he blinked hard “you mean to tell me that you’ve been dating draco fucking malfoy behind my back for six months?! you’ve been lying to me for six months?”

“i didn’t know how to tell you. i knew you wouldn’t understand and we wanted to keep it a secret for a while” ron and hermione were listening intently to everything still in shock

“OF COURSE I WOULDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!” he ran a hand through his hair and took another deep breath “y/n how, why would you ever be with him? how could you trust him? how could you trust anything he says? how could you excuse his behavior?” he had a point...but i had an answer. and one that he couldn’t dispute.

“i know he was horrible for the longest time but he never wanted to be. everything he did in the past was because of his father and he has hated himself for it his whole life, he’s wanted nothing more than to apologize. it’s not an excuse and he knows that, especially with everything he’s said to you” i looked at hermione “but that’s not him.” i spoke with a pleading tone trying to get them to understand that draco isn’t terrible and loathsome.

“and how can you believe all of that? how can you trust what he’s telling you?” i looked at all three of them before i answered

“because he took off his ring” their faces showed even more shock than when i initially told them that i was dating draco malfoy behind their backs for six months.

“he what?!” hermione asked.

“back in september he told me he liked me, i asked all the questions you did. i asked him how i could trust him, so he took off his ring. i saw draco for he really is and not what we all though him to be” i sighed while harry sat down took all of this in. knowing that draco was being honest and that he was actually kind is a shock for most at first. ron was still speechless

“i still just- i don’t know how to...process this” harry said after pulling his face out of his hands

“i know and i don’t expect you to understand and be totally excepting at first but once you get to know him for who he really is, you’ll understand.” ron finally spoke up next

“he really has left everyone alone all year, no bullying, pranks, nothing. i guess that makes sense now.”

“this is so weird” hermione said “i honestly can’t imagine him any other way than how we’ve known him”

“he’s actually the biggest dork ever. he’s sweet, and funny, and...just wonderful” i said. now that everything settled down i felt better. their responses were different because there was no lying when i was in someone’s mindscape. they had to believe what i said i saw in his head. i sat down next to harry and he spoke

“don’t go expecting us to be buddies anytime soon, but if you really say that all of this is true and he really is a good person underneath his... facade, i’ll trust you” i hugged him and hermione and ron joined in

“i love you guys” i said and a chorus of i love you too’s surrounded me. this went better than i expected and i knew draco would be happy that tomorrow we could walk into the great hall hand in and hand for the first time.

TAGS: @idkmanicantenglish @dracoswhore007 @lordlodge

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nevergenders · 4 years

Note

Can we get a recap summary of what is going on w Maxx and everything??

thank you for letting me ramble and it’s NOT JUST MAXX

so i have no idea how much you’ve been seeing so i’ll say like Most of it

so for ALMOST A MONTH NOW HOLY SHIT i’ve been moderating for cody’s discord server!! and i’m happy about it but it takes so much TIME and idk how to keep up with SCHOOL so i started going to maxx’s streams a lot less. but god every time i show up he sounds so fucking happy that i’m there and he’s like excited to talk to me.

fun fact! in fucking february i bought him a birthday gift, but he didn’t get it before quarantine started, and when he finally got around to check it wasn’t in his po box? so eventually i showed him what i got him and he was like OH??? so he went to check again and finally got it and let me tell you! i was only gonna go into the stream for like five minutes that day (because i didn’t realize he was going to stream FOR TEN WHOLE HOURS) but i went in just to say hi, and as soon as he saw me he went. WAIT. NICK. DON’T LEAVE YET. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU GUYS. and he jumped up to go get the shirt (which was already on a hanger) and he looked so fucking happy about it?? mind you this was a whole TWO MONTHS after his birthday lol but he showed the shirt on the hanger and then he didn’t show the sticker i got him so he might have just stuck it on something already? and a couple days later i couldn’t make it to the stream for long but as soon as it started my friend madi messaged me like MAXX WEARING THE NICK SHIRT. HOW MUCH SEROTONIN WILL HE GET. i went into maxxs stream DURING CLASS just to comment on it. and god yeah today when i showed up, one of the FIRST THINGS HE SAYS ON STREAM, like he does the “hello! thanks for coming! etc etc” and then he went “nick’s here!!! a rare nick sighting :)” and everyone in his chat was also very happy and excited to see me?? i would die for this community

and in CODYS STREAMS. i feel a little more obligated to go to them because i moderate for his discord lol but there’s not nearly the same sense of community yet, and i have a different group of friends there, idk that’s still developing but like. it’s tough when you have the community formed around the drummer vs the community formed around the singer because you KNOW people act differently when it’s the singer, and trying to get past that and form more of a community vibe is tougher. also like... moderating is one thing, but there’s also this new sense of trust in us he has? like he calls subscribers on discord during streams sometimes, and one day he called my friend aris but was using the wrong pronouns for him, so i slipped it in the chat and as SOON as he saw it i saw his face drop, he felt so fucking bad and he apologized multiple times. and IMMEDIATELY after the stream he went into the chat for just mods with “i feel like such a jerk” and we basically just had a heart to heart with him to help him feel better and y’all??? i got emotions.

the main reason i was yammering about cody this morning. i hate saying this because it feels so self centered. but Very Long Story Short (i will explain it to you if you want me to) i’m pretty sure cody and i spent most of 2019 convinced the other hated us, or at least extremely worried about it. i spent a way too long thinking about it and i’m pretty sure that’s how he felt. so yesterday during his stream he was talking about some of the music he was writing, and he said “there’s this song i’m writing about like social anxiety online, like sometimes i’m terrified to go on social media because someone’s gonna hate me today” and i didn’t process it until later but when i did my brain went WOOOSH and of COURSE if he wrote a song about that it’s probably not SPECIFICALLY about me and theres NO WAY OF ACTUALLY KNOWING but the fact that i feel like i’m probably a part of that???? i don’t know what to do with that thought?????? i don’t know what emotion i was experiencing about it but i almost started fucking crying omg last year was a fucking ride and considering the change in the level of trust we have it’s gonna be SO different the next time i see him WAAAAAAAA

anyways today maxx was talking about how much he misses touring and i got fuckin emotional about that too because now i KNOW next time i see them it’s gonna be so fuckin different, especially after such a long break and with these kinds of things happening, i’m gonna fucking lose my mind,,, codys other mods wanna meet up together and be like “sorry we can’t make it to any dates on this tour!” and then all show up at the same place. power move.

and final sidenote we really had to ban someone multiple times from cody’s AND maxx’s discords and then find out that they were emotionally manipulating minors in the discords to tell us to let them back in, and gaslighting, and threatening the mods behind our backs, and talking shit about us, and i REALLY HOPE we never have to hear from them again, but last thursday we had a whole team of us going SHOO. NONE OF US WANT YOU HERE. IF YOU TRY TO SNEAK BACK INTO THE SERVER WE WILL CATCH YOU AND BAN YOU AS MANY TIMES AS WE NEED TO. so i hope they got the memo, we haven’t heard about them in a couple days.

tldr; i’m pretty much on the level of trust with cody and maxx as like friends and i love them to death and it’s cool to see them the same way

there’s your update! it’s been interesting but overall, despite my updated sense of social anxiety, i’m having fun

#final sidenote. i'm less scared of how cody talks through text than i am of twitter cody #cody is the absent father of our discord and he just gave us complete control #god bless this man #we almost had to explain what a furry was to him on a voice chat god BLESS #Anonymous #cody is a busy man but i'm glad i have his streams so i can buLLY HIM TO HIS FACE #i keep adding back again but the rapper cody got me into is chika #i sound like a SIMP it's the worst #i love the 90s throwback vibes shut UP #nick shut up about sio #just moderator things

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big-toe-energy · 5 years

Text

I love you..

Parings: Billy Hargrove x Reader

Warnings: Some cussing (duh!)

So this is my first fan fiction I have ever written please bear with me!!!😅

Word count: yoooo so much like 1,000 or more

You and billy have been dating for a few months now and he gets upset with his dad and tells you he loves you okay! Great! FLUFF!! :)

It was a Thursday, the bell had just rung and the school day was officially over. You started to walk out of the building towards the parking lot, when you arrived you saw a curly haired boy standing next to his signature blue Camero smiling widely at you. When you approached Billy, he looked down at you and gave you a tight, but loving hug. “Hey beautiful! You ready to go?” He said to you as he put your bag in the trunk of his car. “Sure thing, baby!” You say as you lean in to kiss his cheek.

You had met Billy in History class earlier that year, he sat two seats behind you and was always late. One day in September you got paired to work on a project together and he came over to your house and instantly there was a connection. He really liked you, but didn’t know how to act. He was so used to girls falling all over him and he just saw them as toys, but you, you were amazing. Any chance he could he was with you, he loved the way you made him feel, you made him less angry and more kind and generous. He felt at home with you. And you felt the same way.

“Hey Y/N, look in the glove box!” He said while starting the car and heading out of the school parking lot. “Umm... okay?” You asked confused. When you opened the glove box there was a cassette tape that had ‘music for my princess’ written on the side. You looked at your boyfriend and smiled so hard your cheeks were starting to hurt “Billy! What is this?!” You exclaimed, “oh just an early 8 month anniversary present for you, I know it isn’t for another week, but I couldn’t wait. I thought I would make you a mash up of songs that I know you like and stuff that reminds me of you and the way you make me feel..” he paused “unless you don’t like them then I can just have Lucas burn a new one for me!” He said with his eyes focused on the road. “Baby, I love it! Thank you!”

Ever since you and Billy got together he started to be nicer to max, especially after you found out what happened with the whole Steve Harrington situation. He was more gentle and kind with Max, he even stared taking her to hang out with the gang and actually trying to get to know her and Lucas. He wanted to be as kind as you always are to everyone. Max loved it! She loved you!

When you arrived to your house Billy got out and grabbed your bag and walked you inside, he said hi to your (put in parental unit here) and gave you a kiss and said he would see you tomorrow morning,earlier than normal so you could grab donuts before school. “See you at 6:30 sharp Hargrove!” You said teasingly “wouldn’t miss it for anything! Bye baby!” He called out while walking to his car.

It was 8:30 now and it was pitch black outside, you had just gotten out of the shower and you were putting your pjs on: a grey Hawkins High basketball tee shirt Billy gave you, light blue shorts and fuzzy socks. You had popped the cassett into your boom box and the first song that came on was ‘kiss’ by prince, you started dancing around your room. All of the sudden you heard a knock on your bedroom door, it was billy. He walked in and sat on your bed. “Hey baby, what are you doing here?” He leaned forward and rested his head on your chest while you stood in front of him. “I just really don’t want to be home right now.” He mumbled. You ran your fingers across his back “why’s that baby? Did Neil do something again?” Your voice raised slightly when you said that. He looked up at you and his bottom lip was cut and bleeding and he had a bump on his head.

You didn’t like Neil, anytime you would go to the Hargrove household it was like a danger zone. Neil never did anything when you or max were around,but when it was just them and Susan he was horrible. Billy didn’t want you to be over at his house at all when you first started dating, you didn’t know why, you though he was ashamed of you, and every time you’d ask he would say “baby, no I’m so proud to call you mine, it’s more than you think.”but one night 3 months in you called his house just to ask him a simple question about the party he was taking you to the next day, but Neil picked up instead of Billy and it went like this “hello, this is Neil, who is this?” “Oh, hello Mr.Hargrove, is Billy there? I’m a friend from school and I wanted to know if he did part of the project we are working on.” “Yeah he’s here, hold on.” All you heard was “BILLY! THERES A WHORE ON THE PHONE FOR YOU!” And that was it. You knew exactly why Billy didn’t want you over.

“let me get you some ice!” You said soothingly. You ran to the kitchen and grabbed an ice pack and neo for his lip. “Here keep this on your head” you said handing him the icepack. You were used to this, Billy’s dad hurting him and him coming over to your house, Neil stopped hurting him like he used to and now it was all mind games and you were the pawn. Billy was silent, nothing was said, “baby...” you said quietly “what happened?” He looked up at you with tears in his eyes “i- I his vioice was cracking “baby...” you sat by him and placed your hand on his. “I thought Susan was picking Max up from school, we had talked about it last night, and she told me she would pick Max up from school, because I had to drop you off at home then go to basketball practice.” He looked at you with tears in his eyes, “Susan forgot to pick up Max, and I got home and Neil started yelling at me and told me that if I have one more slip up I can never see you again and that I don’t deserve to be with you. Then he pushed me into the kitchen counter when I told him to not include you into this and that you don’t deserve to be involved..” Your heart ached in your chest and all you could do was hold the boy that you love in your arms. “Baby... he can’t keep me from you, if he tries to i will find ways to be with you. He’s a horrible person and it’s not your fault that Susan is an airhead, and can’t tell her left hand from her right foot. You deserve me.” The blue eyed boy looked at you and cupped your face. “You are the best thing to ever happen to me, you are my best friend, I love you princess.” You looked up at him and stared at disbelief that THE Billy Hargrove told you he loved you. “I love you too,Billy.” You said with a hum. “Can I please stay the night?” He said while wrapping an arm around you. “Of course, stay as long as you need.” You smiled and layed back into your bed, and he wrapped his arms around you and you just made each other feel loved and safe.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove x reader #strangerthings #stranger things imagines #imagines #fluff #love #stranger things #dacre montgomery #reader input

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judyta217-blog · 6 years

Text

Things I Wish I Knew Coming Into a UC (or just UCI specifically bc I can’t speak for every UC)

Q: Do my AP’s even matter? Don’t I just need to get an A in the class and look good for college?

A: YES they matter a lot. Maybe I’m just dumb and I didn’t know this but AP credits do you a lot of good in college because there are these lovely things called enrollment windows. And the amount of AP credits you have affects the time of you enrollment window. So i.e. 58 credits you get your enrollment window at 11:15 am on Monday; 14 credits you get your enrollment window at 5:00 pm next Thursday

Q: Why does having an early enrollment window matter?

A: Well it matter bc everyone wants to have a good time in college amirite? So you want the best or easiest classes? And usually those classes are in high demand because who doesn’t want the best professor for that Chem or Anthropology class? Since I am a STEM major, I can can only speak on the part of classes like Biology and Chemistry because that’s all I’ve taken. So far my bio and chem classes with the “good” teacher have filled up within the first week ish. So if your enrollment date happened to be in the second week and you needed that class you will need to 1) stalk the class schedule thing for someone to switch out 2) wait for ppl to fail (bio and chem classes are taken in a series so lets say ur taking bio 1 and you need to get into bio 2; you’d have to wait for someone who signed up for bio 2 but failed bio 1)

Q: Housing?

A: They will send you an email and stuff. In terms of finding a room mate and stuff, most people go onto Facebook, click on the UCI Class of 2022 page, join it and look at the things people post. I would personally message the person I would like to room with just to get a sense of who they are as a person and if y’all would get along. Ask anything and address any issues you may have from the start because you’re going to be sharing a room and spending a whole year with these people and ofc you’d want it to be as smooth and easy as possible.

Q: What’s housing at UCI like?

A: Shit honestly LOL. Okay okay your first year dorms aren’t that bad. I actually like it a lot. But UCI has 2 types of housing for first years: 1) Middle Earth 2) Mesa Court. It’s actually the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th year of housing at UCI that’s hella shitty. There’s different housing for upper classman that you’ll figure out when you come here lol. But for UCI, we had to wake up at like 6:30 am one morning to get housing for 2018-19. It’s basically on a first come first serve basis but the freaking system JAMMED ON ME HDSOFH. Yea so I didn’t get the on campus housing that i wanted for my second year. But that’s fine bc you’d just try again next year :’ )

Q: It’s okay to not be thriving all the time.

A: I think I had a hard time dealing with this these last two quarters because in high school I did everything I wanted to do. Which included:

1. Waking up to get that education ya know

2. Going to swim practice and trying to stay somewhat fit and feeling like I got to improve/ work towards a goal everyday

3. Going to Medical Assistant vocational school to gain more insight on careers in health care (highly recommended bc you get paid $10-$15 after you get your certificate/ you get an externship during Jan-Jun another college app bonus)

and my Red Cross stuff which I won’t put into words bc that would be an essay.

But you see I did all this in high school and it’s a bit of a change to switch from a life that focuses so much on extracurriculars to one that focuses mainly on academics. I tried to be the same high school me, but that’ s a bit hard since you course load will be much heavier. However, this was my choice. You could do whatever you want in college and still be that busy extracurricular person.

Q: How much do you study in a day?

A: I try to get in AT LEAST 4-6 hours a day bc chem and bio are hard for me personally but maybe you’re good at it and that won’t be the case for you. Everyone has different study habits and stuff.

Q: What’s it like making friends in college?

A: Now you can be like senior hs Judy who thought, “I don’t need friends bc I’m going to be a doctor!” lol. But I knew in my heart that I wanted to be surrounded by a good group of people so before attending UCI I knew that I would have a couple of friends going into college. But making friends out of my high school circle definitely takes a bit of effort just because nobody has like the same schedule as you so everyone is just doing their own thing most of the time and it’s hard to keep up with people’s lives.

But if you really want to go somewhere for college I don’t think your friends should be the reason stopping you bc why would you sacrifice you future/ being somewhere where you could become a better person for other people. Plus if they were your real friends they’d still be here for you during breaks and stuff. Go where you think you should go. I promise you aren’t wrong and that you’re will meet new friends and ppl who will push you to do better things.

yea and theres that stuff like self care and blah but i think that’s pretty basic stuff that you can figure out along the way. HAVE FUN KIDS

*if you have any other questions that are not related to UCI I highly recommend talking to someone who’s currently attending the college/university you want to attend to get a better perspective*

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bolbianddolanhouse · 4 years

Text

BNHA self insert AU [Book 3]

New? Read here! Then here!

Chapter 3: You Want a Sprite Cranberry?

“Deep breath in” hold for 10 seconds “and breathe out” I tell myself in the mirror as I put my school uniform. It’s the first day of school! And I’m super nervous and not that excited. Just so much fear, gas and anxiety in my body that I clenched my booty cheeks the whole car ride there.

“You okay son?” Mom asked me concerned.

“Yeah! I just don’t know what to expect” I admitted “Any advice?”

“Be open to the unknown and be down to throw down!” she said so confidently “I would say to make friends, but it seems like you won’t have that problem.” She sighed “I envy you Iwa, you get to go to the same school as your best friend. I didn’t have all the resources you have now...my sweet little boy is going to be an agent!”

I look out the window to see the massive building that’s UA “I’ll do my best, because I learned from the best!”

“Oh I wouldn’t say that!” Mom scoffed as she pulled up to the drop off zone “Here’s your stop, go get em Iwata.”

I unclenched my butt cheeks “Okay, bye mom!”

I zoomed out of the car and past the school gates. I’m really out here, double cheeked up on the first day of school. Hella ass, the sun is still out.

“IWA!” yelled a familiar voice.

I turned around to see Beizu running toward me “BEI!”

He jumped into my arms “Are you as gassy as I am?!”

“Unfortunately but in a less excited context” I groaned.

“Eww” he broke his hug “wanna go find a bathroom to have a panic attack in?”

“I’m down” I started to walk along side him, then he looped his arm around mine “Hmm?”

“I wanna walk in together” he said with a smile “another first I get to do with you together!”

“Alright” I said without questioning it. It’s true that we do things together and it’s normal for us. Every now and then we get comments on it but they don’t bother us, we’re like brothers.

One mini panic attack in the bathroom later and we stroll in the agent 1-A class. Did I mention Beizu decided to be an agent too? It was funny, because we didn’t know we were in the same program until we showed our acceptance letters to each other. We share a brain-cell...which is dangerous because one of us has to come up with a plan and the other has to be rational. We got seats next to each other and waited for homeroom to start.

“Good morning class! Please take your seats” said a man in a gray jumpsuit with some patches on the arms “I am your intel 1-A teacher, Agent 40, but you can also call me Mr. Hansai.” The man opens his portfolio “I see a few familiar names on here.”

I whisper to Beizu “I wonder who he’s talking about?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s the girl in the back?” Beizu whispered back.

“...It looks like everyone is here” he closes his roll call “I’m going to pass out your schedules, syllabus and protocols. I expect all of you to memorize and act upon the protocols, I will regularly test you throughout the year on them. Especially you, young Palma-kun.”

My blood runs cold “How do you-”

“You look just like your mom! Also we were in the same intel class” sensei explained “If you’re anything like her, you’d be studying up this protocols along with the hero ones for any discrepancies.”

“My mom was your classmate?” My eyes widen “WAIT! You’re part of the Main 5 her year, I recall the picture she showed me!”

“What’s so special about his mom?” scoffed one of the students “So what she was in the top 5?!”

“His mother is agent 19 of the Emperor’s Coup” sensei explained, the class gasped “She’s also a big donor to our school and noted alumni.”

I felt very on the spot, everyone’s eyes were on me. A mix of envy and curiosity within their faces. I refocused when I got my packet, and let me tell you, my schedule was PACKED! No free period whatsoever! Literally after lunch is all of my hero courses. Good thing I don’t need to take any general studies aside from math, never have I been so thankful that my mom was strict on me and my siblings to learn English and Spanish! But it also looks like I’m not skipping levels on subjects like my mom and uncle Jin. Wish I had that level of genius.

“Oof, that’s a lot of classes” cringed Beizu, glancing over at my desk “but at least we have until lunch together!”

“Yeah” I smirked, remembering all of our lunch shenanigans throughout the years “You have to tell me how the rest of your general ed classes go!”

After sensei goes over the syllabus and gives us time to look over things, a classmate comes up to my desk. Their stature towering me.

“You, prodigy child” they spoke “I have decided that you’ll be my rival!”

At first I was intimidated, but the moment they said ‘rival’, I tried not to throw up in my mouth. “Um, I haven’t done anything to-”

“I will prove to you that I, Garu Netsu, will be worthy of being Main 5!” he interrupted “Don’t think because your mother was the best, you’ll be the best!”

I stood up, clearly pissed off “HEY! First of all, I just learned how to use my quirks for the field like a year ago. Second of all, you watch too much anime because I don’t do rivals or that harem shit!” I squared up my shoulders “My mom is a wonderful lady and she didn’t raise me to be her prodigy! She raised me to be her son! So sit ya ass back down and pick somebody else because I will not be competing with any of you!”

“Fine, I’ll be sitting down” the classmate walks back to their desk “but you’re still going to be the one to beat.”

“And you’ll be horrendously disappointed” I retorted back, sitting back in my seat.

“Wow, it’s like looking into a time machine” sensei chuckled “Your mom always put challengers in their place verbally! Man, I wish I recorded some of her comebacks” he sighed “they were ICONIC!”

That fucked me up a little, am I like my mom? But it wasn’t the time to have an identity crisis! We had to suit up for weapons class.

“Eww, I look like my mom with my hair up like this huh?” I gagged at myself in the locker mirror.

“Same” sighed Beizu as he closed his locker to show his pulled back hair “we really need a haircut.”

“We should go this weekend” I suggested as we walked out of the locker room “Mom’s hair dresser comes back from maternity leave on Thursday.”

“Oh! What did she have?”

“She had a boy!” I gushed “Mom showed me pictures and they got their father’s scaly skin.”

We walked to the middle of the gym to wait for the weapons instructor. The anticipation was killing me!

“Wonder what we’ll do?” Beizu asked me “your mom and aunt Mimi said that they got to hold a gun on the first day.”

“It’s true” said a thick Russian accent from behind us “Good morning new comers! I am agent 20, but you can call me Master Oleshin.”

“AUNTY MIMI?!” Beizu and I screamed.

“AH babushkas! I couldn’t recognize you from the back” Mimi was taken back “You look so much like your mothers with your hair up like that.”

Beizu and I looked at each other and our faces turned red.

“You know them too?!” cried out a classmate.

“Yes, I was in the Main 5 with the curly haired mother and the pink haired one is my nephew” she walked over and pinched our cheeks “I watched them grow from little babies to the spitting image of their mothers! I’m so proud of my nephews for pursuing intelligence” she cried out as she hugged us aggressively “It’s like having the old team back together!”

“Tia, you’re embarrassing me” I groaned breathlessly “I can’t breathe.”

“I’m sorry that I love my nephews so much” she said as she put us down “But lets get things started!” she pulled out her gun “Weaponry is not just wielding a tool, but an extension of yourself. You may know about the popular ones like the gun, knife, bow and arrow & taser. But theres so many possibilities and situations where different weapons will come into play.” She cocked her gun “I’ve mastered weapons as a supplement of my quirk. If I can aim it, I won’t miss.” She aimed for a target mounted high up on the gym wall and her shot hit the bullseye “The goal is to be more knowledgable and comfortable wielding a variety of weapons for combat. And I want you to find a personal goal for this class, whether it’s accuracy or double wielding, having one will help you in the long run of your agent career.”

Holding a gun with aunty Mimi giving me instruction felt unreal. I didn’t know she taught! It’s her first time teaching, apparently she wanted to come back to UA to teach since she was a 1st year here. To think that my mom, uncle Jin and aunty Mimi met and trained together in this very place?! I wish I could’ve seen them first meeting or seen my mom hold a gun for the first time. Last time I saw her hold one was the night of the incident...where she drew her gun at the home invader. The look on her face was something I couldn’t understand, and I still don’t understand it...but I want to someday. This line of work is drawing me in with wanting to understand why my parents are so passionate about it. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT! I glossed through the rest of the first half of my day, dreading the second half when lunch was almost over.

“Excited?” asked Beizu as he took a cheeto from my almost empty bag.

“More like loathing what’s next” I prop my head on my hand, watching Beizu crunch on cheetos “heard that hero students are really intense.”

“Lets see if you make a friend” snickered Beizu “it worked out for your mom and Lili.”

It clicked what he was trying to say “Shut up!” I playfully shoved him “I’m not finding my significant other in the hero program. Why think about dating if you have a schedule like mine?!”

“True” the bell rang “Better get a move on.”

“Yeah...OH SHIT!” I start to pack up my lunch stuff when it dawned on me “I forgot my bag in homeroom!” I hurried inside the building to get my things and try not to be too late. It’s times like these I wish I had the teleportation quirk and not bitch ass Tensei! But I slow my pace to catch my breath once I got to the correct hall. This is it, I’m in this bitch and open to whatever comes next! I get to the door that said 1-A on it, did my breathing exercise and forced myself to open the door. I saw everyone stare at me and the teacher was Mr Mineta. “Oops my bad, wrong classroom!” I slammed the door and walked the rest of the hall to my horror to see that I did open the right door! “It’s occurred to me that this is the correct classroom” I said as I opened the door “apologies for the intrusion!”

“Not a problem!” said Mr Mineta “would you like to introduce yourself?”

“Oh uhhhh sure” I hesitated a bit going up to the front and looking at everyones confused faces “Hewwo! My name is Iwata El Roca Iida, I’m doing dual program of Intelligence and Hero. Both of my parents went here! They were in the same class as Diaper Boy here.”

“For the last time! It’s Grape Juice or Mr Mineta” yelled the short man “It was bad enough your sister called me that during her time” he rubbed his temples “continue, please.”

“Okay, like Diaper Man here said, my older sister was in the hero program too. I’m not trying to follow in anyone’s footsteps, and I hope I can be useful to you in practice” I bowed “Please don’t mind my eccentric personality, I’m just very comfortable being myself.”

“Thank you Iwata, you can sit next to Kage-san” he pointed to the side desks where someone was waving their hand. “I’ll be right back class, I have to make a few copies for Iwata.”

The moment sensei closed the door everyone turned their heads to face me. Not gonna lie, they looked scary. Pretty sure mom handled the first day better than this.

“So like, is it true that you’re the son of Ingenium?!” asked the girl that sat in front of me.

“Yes! How did you-”

“Which one?” asked a different classmate.

“The leg engine one” I knew what they meant but that’s what came out of my mouth.

“Little brother Ingenium?!” gasped the girl in front of me “I didn’t know he had children?!”

“Well, he’s not the most popular hero on the list” I cut in “and he just keeps to himself when he’s working, so of course you don’t know about the family.”

“You don’t look like him, like at all!” said different classmate, getting all up in my face “bet your dad trained you from a young age to get into UA!”

“Ummm my mom trained me” I backed my face away “I have her quirk and my other quirk is unique to the Iida family engine quirk that he couldn’t train me. So I just taught myself?”

“Must be nice to be blessed with two quirks and parents that can help you train” grumbled a student facing away from everyone else.

“Gen-kun! Don’t be so mean” said Kage-san “ignore him, he’s just having a rough first day.”

“I feel you on that” I responded “all this attention has me a little flustered! I’m not used to everyone swarming me like this.”

I finish the rest of the day and meet up with Beizu at the drop off area. I tell him about my first encounter while waiting for my mom to pick us up.

“Oh! So you know the first project for our class right?” Beizu suddenly remembered.

“Yeah, the one due at the end of the first semester” I recall “what about it?”

“So I thought of what to do” Beizu got giddy “I know it’s like 2 weeks away from getting into groups or whatever BUT I wanna get started on it.”

“Is it going to top your other inventions?”

“TOTALLY! Now that I’m free to use whatever and not be limited to wood rigging, everything is going to look like child’s play!”

“I believe it” I said right before my mom arrived.

After dropping Beizu home, I came home to tell my parents about my day. Hiding the fact that I’m in both, I fibbed what I did the second half of the day. Tensei saw right through me, but didn’t say anything to my relief. Wonder what tomorrow will bring?

-The next day, in the hero classroom-

I just sat my ass down for class and sensei had the AUDACITY to say that we had to go to the gym. Mega annoying! Especially since the intel locker rooms are separate from the hero locker rooms. Wonder if I can have a hero one? Is that allowed? Gotta ask later.

“Why are your training clothes different from ours?” asked Kage-san.

I deadpanned to them and put my arms up “Can’t use my quirk if I have sleeves.”

“Wow...you’re RIPPED BRO!” yelled a different classmate “we gotta train together sometime!”

I blush hard and put my arms down “Oh ummm thanks?” I didn’t know what to say, nobody has said anything about my physic like that.

“Okay! Time for spars!” sensei announced as he clicked his pen “Throughout the year, we’ll have these spars to see how your quirk and combat skills develop. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t win your round, there’s always opportunities to improve” he checks his clipboard “Mr Iida your up first with...Gon-san.”

I walk to the sparring circle, trying to hide the fact that I’m nervous. When I faced my opponent, my entire stomach dropped to my ass because it was the guy that said I was ripped.

“ALRIGHT! I get to see what those engines can do!”

“Ready?” sensei asked, waiting for us to get into position “you may BEGIN!”

Focus...breathe...don’t lose sight of your opponent... I said to myself as I cautiously circled him. He mirrored me and it didn’t help me...unless that was his quirk? To test this, I slapped myself to see if he’d do the same.

“OUCH” yelped Gon-san after slapping himself “How did you-”

“AHA!” I exclaimed before I stood still and levitated him “The scientific method never fails!”

I heard the class gasp in shock, not expecting me to have two quirks. No matter, I tossed him out of bounds and won in less than a minute.

“Winner is Iida-kun” Mineta scribbled on his clipboard “Not surprised, that telekinesis is a real whammy! Glad to see you got your mom’s strategy skills too.”

“Thank you sensei” I turn to my opponent “Are you okay?!”

“Yea, I’m fine” he said shocked “I- I wasn’t expecting you to catch on so quickly!”

I felt his voice quivering like he feared me, oof I fucked up huh? “I got a little overboard, I’m sorry I did a whole show of things. I’m new to this whole thing” I extended my hand out to help him up “swear I’m not usually like this!”

“Why are you apologizing?” He stood up and gave me the biggest starstruck look “THAT WAS AMAZING! What quirk is that?! We HAVE to train sometime!”

“Yeah! Is that your mom’s quirk?” said another classmate.

“What a unique spread of quirks! You can do anything without lifting a finger!” said another.

I stood there, blushing like a dumbass because of how praising everyone was. For once, I felt like my own person. “Aww shucks y’all” I managed to utter “you really know how to make somebody blush, it was nothing fancy.”

We continued the spars and I was really feeling accepted into the program until it was time to change. I headed toward the intel locker rooms when I felt my body freeze.

“Hey, prodigy child” spat a hateful voice behind me “You are nothing but a privileged, rich boy that doesn’t know the struggle.”

The person showed himself to me, it was that one classmate that grumbled on the first day “It’s you?! Why are you picking on me? I never bad mouthed you.”

“People like you make me sick! You were born into money and blessed with two quirks with parents that support you” he mocked “I had to fight and struggle to get here! Barely making it in. I didn’t see you at the entrance exam and from the way you carried yourself in that fight, you’re unskilled too.”

“I never said I was good, I’m still learning and that’s why I’m here, to learn just like you” I growled, losing my temper “Don’t think for a second I’m trying to de-mean you! Go ahead, throw me your best shot!” I dared him “You have me in your clutches and nobody is watching, isn’t that what you wanted to do?!”

That agitated him “What do you take me for?! I’m not the villain here” he held his fist up, winding up his punch “YOU ARE!”

I closed my eyes, waiting his punch. Instead he gets stopped by Midnight right before his fist reaches my face.

“That is enough!” Midnight said sternly “I don’t know what’s going on here but it’s not okay to hurt your classmate like this!”

“Aunty Midnight?” I gasped.

“How many teachers do you know here?!” snarled the classmate.

“Release him! There’s no point in struggling.” She demanded and seeing that the classmate was caught, he dropped his quirk and put his arm down “I’ll be talking to you later, change and go to class.”

I watch him walk away, still fuming, into the hero locker room. I turn to Midnight “Thanks for the save aunty.”

“No problem kiddo!” she smiled as she ruffled my hair “you got lucky, I was passing by to check on a different student. But are you alright?”

“I am, but that guy” I sighed “he’s right though, I am privileged and I don’t deserve to be here.”

“Don’t say that Iwata, we wouldn’t let you do two programs if we didn’t think you were capable” assured Midnight “you’re brilliant and have the potential to be very powerful in whatever field you choose. Like you said, you’re still learning.”

I was still having doubts but I wanted the conversation to be over “Thanks for that aunty, guess I should hurry and change.”

“Get a move on, I’ll get your sensei know what happened later” she said as she waved me off.

The rest of the day was tense. I felt his sharp gaze from across the room, making me feel uneasy. Pretty sure mom never had to deal with things like this! When I finally got home, I threw myself onto my bed to scream into my sheets.

“Rough day?” asked Tensei from his bed “because same.”

“What happened to you?”

“Lost my debate today because somebody played the ‘quirk inequality’ card and I didn’t have right to argue it because of my social standing as a double wielder” he said in a way that sounded very matter-o-factly “and you?”

“I made an enemy with one of my hero classmates” I groaned “all because I used my telekinesis in a spar and it triggered him to confront me when I went to go change. Apparently I’m just some privileged rich boy that was born lucky and I don’t know a single thing about the struggle.”

“Ouch, what a douchebag” cringed Tensei “like you’ve struggled with a lot! Who cares about if you came from money or not? You’re there to learn.”

“That’s what I said! But I got so mad that I egged him on to hit me” I flipped onto my back “but aunty Midnight came in for the save so I got spared.”

“Fuck, you almost got into your first fight” Tensei said as he sat up and crossed his arms “As someone who had their fair share of school fights out of self defense, you had the right to take the first hit!”

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to” I sighed and rubbed my face “I’m just trying to skate by and be chill with everyone. But of course they have to fucking bring out my Latina side and get me mad.”

“Curse the Latina rage!”

“Why don’t you just say my name huh?!” Hanaka busted into our room.

“We weren’t talking about you!” Tensei and I yelled.

The days kept rolling in and I was trying my best to be neutral with everybody. Training on my own on the weekends and busting my ass on the mountain of homework I get assigned. Wonder how my parents did this shit? Everyone says they were smart kids...wonder why that trait didn’t pass onto me and got absorbed by bitch ass Tensei. Literally, that boy has a high IQ and has perfect grades, yet he looks like the textbook definition of a punk. If you googled punk and clicked on images, he looks like the first image but with natural blue hair. Do it, it’s stupidly accurate!

-Fast forward...Thursday, intel homeroom-

It’s one month into this bitch and we just got paired into our semester project partners. To nobody’s surprise, I got Beizu.

“Can’t wait to show you what I made!” whispered Beizu.

“You already made it?” I whispered back.

Beizu nodded vigorously “Yea! I couldn’t wait and I got ahead of myself” he tapped his hands on the desk “Meet me at the tranquility garden after school, so I can show you it.”

I was surprised that he did that and wanted to show me. He rarely finishes his inventions this quickly! After school I rush over to the garden, knowing he was probably already there.

“I’m here!” I panted as I screeched to a halt.

“Great! Okay, here it is!” he said as he pulled out a cube from his backpack.

I take a closer look “It’s a...puzzle cube?”

“It’s not! Well... the outside is, I had to find a vessel that was just the right size so I gutted this puzzle cube I got at the 100 yen store” he explained “It’s a time-peekaboo machine! I figured out how to glance into the past without quirks, by accident of course! Who knew that making an energy blaster was five faulty connects away from making this?!”

“How do you know it works?”

“Well, I was at home alone when I was making and testing this” Beizu’s tone got a little sad “I fired the thing and I instead got a holographic but low quality environment of the room I was in but from years ago! I saw my dad working on something and I knew it was him! He had the same quirk as me” his voice got a little shakey “And my mom walked into the room but it was the past her, and I got startled because she said ‘Bei, come have some dinner’ and my dad looked up and said ‘coming!’. Iwa, I was named after him! My mom never talked about him to me, not even a picture!”

“Why would she hide pictures of your dad?” I raised suspicion “He’s your dad!”

“I thought that was weird too! But then the connection of that moment fizzled away, so I kept working on this until the images lasted longer and in better quality” Beizu looked into my eyes “I want to know the truth about my dad, I always felt a part of me was missing growing up. I’m not saying my mom is a liar but maybe this is something that needs to be confronted?”

I’ve never seen him so determined like this, it gave me courage to help him “I’ll help you in any way I can!” I put my hand on top of the cube “So how does it work?”

“I just press the button here and the hologram shows up” Beizu refocused back to the cube “I’m not sure how far back it goes, maybe to when we weren’t born yet?”

“Only one way to find out!” I said as I slammed my finger down on the button “YEET!” I saw the garden around us disappear except for this one tree and it stunned me.

“Wow this whole field area was so...boring and plain looking” said Beizu, looking around.

I scanned the area and caught sight of someone sitting at the roots of the tree “Who is that?” I took a closer look and saw it was two people “Oh, it looks like they’re having lunch?”

“What are they saying?” Beizu asked as he got silent to listen in and I did the same.

“...You didn’t have to make me anything!”

“I insist!...All just for you!”

“Why do they sound...familiar?” I said to myself as I clocked the voices but not the faces.

“Oh my god it’s like I’m back home!...”

“...I just wanted to do something nice for you, you bring me peace during these scary times.”

“Ooh! It’s one of those lunches!” Beizu commented “Gosh I wish I knew what year this was!”

“Shh! I want to hear what the guy is saying” I shushed, straining to hear.

“...And honestly, I haven’t felt like that since I got here but you helped me remind myself of the one thing that defines me. Thank you Iida-san.”

“Call me Tenya.”

“Ok then, Tenya, thank you for making me feel cherished and myself again.”

“No, thank you Ita!”

I went pale “Those...those are my parents?!” the moment I said that, the image fizzled and the garden reappeared.

“Ahhh! I can’t believe it!” squealed Beizu “We glanced at the beginning of your parent’s love story! This has to be like, what, 27 years ago?”

“Maybe? I don’t know” I was still in shock “she looked so small compared to him! But she looks different than I expected.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, she looks...sad and shy” I said with concern “What happened to her? She doesn’t give off that sassy and cool energy like everyone tells me, I want to give her a hug and wrap her in a blanket!”

“Well, she was with your dad” Beizu commented “maybe she was dropping the act because she’s comfortable around him? He did make her lunch.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know what to think” I pondered “but that was quite the trial run! Maybe tweak it so we can see into different times? Like adding a clock we can set to a certain date to look at?”

“Ooh! I know what to do!” Beizu took out his phone to record himself “note to self: add a calendar setting to the cube.”

That scene of my parents fucked me up harder than I thought once I got home. Looking at my dad and how truly committed he is to my mom. 27-ish years and going strong! Wonder what’s that secret formula. But on the other hand, why was my mom so sad in the past? And what ‘healed’ her? And why is Beizu being held back information about his dad? Somethings not adding up, hopefully it’s not a mess of other interconnected shit...the fuck you think this is? A shonen manga?!

-Chapter 3, End-

#bnha #mha #self insert au #book 3 chapter 3 #not canon #will update regularly #ask me anything #//Palma-sama Speaks #SCHOOL ARC HAS ARRIVED AND I'M AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #big uwu at Mimi teaching and the return of a few other faves from Book 1 (not Mineta)#The whole 'mom is keeping a secret' trope is this beginning part of Book 3 and it's super spicy #Iwata in the school arc isn't to mirror like Book 1 but to be more like how things should've been #More sibling love in this chapter! Tensei is a caring punk type...so you'll see more of his little nuggets of advice later #Basically this school arc is Beizu and Iwata sharing one brain cell between them...being two soft bois on an adventure #Have no fear! This book has plenty of queerness in it...just be patient!

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diaryofamadblackwomen-blog1 · 6 years

Text

My freshman year at UF

One the night of September 2nd a guy I might on tinder a few days prior followed me back to my dorm and sexual assaulted me. I will not use names as I’m legally unalloyed to, but his inials are N.S he is a pledge in Sigmi Chi just another typical racist rapey fraternity on campus. After a night of partying and drinking, after all it was syllabus week and there was nothing to do expect that, I went back to my friends dorm A.W with my other friend A.J. We talked the night away until it was around 2:30am. I get a text from N.S asking if I was up. Being the very naive girl I was not fully understanding what that kind of text meant at 2:30am, I replied happily that I was up and I invited him to come hangout at our friends dorm. I matched with N.S about 2 weeks ago on tinder. He was my type, dark hair and dark eyes. We texted almost every day and we tried to meet up several times before classes started. One night we were talking about the Solar Eclipse that was happening on August 21st, which was actually the first day of classes. I texted him that my mom was bugging me to get a pair of the solar ecplise glasses so that my eyes don't burn off I guess. My mom tends to get over dramatic over the slightest things. Its just her motherly instinct I guess but she feels like she has to be overly protective of me. N.S said that he had a bunch of glasses sent from his grandparents. He seemed really close to his family he was an only child and he goes to school 14 hours away from home. His parents seem to mean a lot to him. His mom especially as she was feature in the first picture on his tinder profile. We agreed to meet that Monday morning before classes had started outside of the dining hall. I lived right next to the dinning hall but he lived father away in a new dorm that resembled some fancy hotel. I thought he was cute well from his tinder pictures, but after all I was just meeting him for the first time because he offered to give me solar ecplise glasses. I had on a royal blue oversized shirt I got over the summer because I was a member of this community service club called IRHA. I also had on black athletic shorts which you could barely see under my shirt. For class I just put concealer on my acne marks and under my eyes if I looked tired. I also have really long eyelashes and they looked even longer because I had on eyelash extensions. My hair looked healthy back then before I started to straighten and dye it all the time. I have curly black hair done to my A-Cup boobs. I think I'm pretty below average/ugly especially compared to the pretty blonde sorority type girls that seem to make up a majority of the UF population. Thats why I don't even bother to impress guys by putting on makeup or wearing cute close cause no matter how good I look or how hard I try I was never be seen as beautiful in comparison to a blue-eyed blonde. I wait for N.S outside of the dining hall. I spot him near the bike racks. One of the negative things about the fancy dorm is its like two blocks from campus so you ether have to bike to class or scooter or just leave super early and walk. I approach him at the bike racks smiling. He said “Hey are you (my name)” , I replied yeah and he gave me the two glasses we talked briefly. He told me he was from out of state and we made small talk. I asked hime what his major was, which seems to be what I ask EVERYONE I met at college when iron out of other things to say. He said he was business and I told him I was marketing. We found out we had a class together. The worst class ever “Survey Of Calculus”. I was extremely bad at math. I barely passed pre-calculus in high school and skipped Calc 1 and just took AP Stats instead. The whole time we where talking he seemed kinda nervous, which I usually take as a sign that a guy may like me or atlas find me somewhat attractive. I don usually think any guy finds me attractive and I just assume every guy thinks I'm ugly. Life is easier that way, slightly depressing but easier. After we stopped talking he told me he was going to get breakfast in the dinning hall, which I was just going to grab breakfast with him but I hate eating at the dining hall. So I told him was going to grab breakfast at this cafe instead. I told him it was nice meeting him and then I left. Flash forward to Wednesday in Survey of Calculus I was already confused out of my mind at the simple pre-caluculs bs we were reviewing so after class I rushed up to the teacher she was this sweet old lady that didn't explain things clearly or clearly enough for me. Anyways later that day N.S texted me and said that he saw me get up at the end of the class. I replied oh yeah we must be in the same class or something along those lines. I told him I had to sit in the very front because I was blind and my glasses hadn't come in the mail yet. The same night he called at around 2am drunk as hell saying all this random shit that I don't actually remember. We texted again the next day and I asked him if he remembered calling me and he said he didn't, I could tell he probably had a hard time handling his liquor. The next night Thursday he did the same thing he called me at around 1 am saying the same stupid shit he was saying the night before. I asked him if he was ok and he said he wasn't that drunk. I told him I was working on this Calc assignment that was due at 12am but the teacher had extended it. He asked if he could come over and I just said sure because I was just going to make him do my assignment for me. He gets to my dorm like 15 mins later and we try to figure out how to log into the online textbook I couldn't figure it out and I just told him I would go the bookstore and figure it out tomorrow. He closed my laptop and hopped onto my bed and I sat next to him, we talked about stuff for a few minutes then he turned grabbed my face and kissed me. I pulled away and told him that “I wasn't feeling it”after getting to know N.S briefly I had already assessed that he was a A1 fuckboy, but at least he had a likable personality. But I did not want to hook up with him for that reason. When I pulled him away and told him no he replied “What do you mean no” at that point I should of just kicked him out of my room. But me being the shy, naive timid easily influenced girl that back then. I let him kiss me. He then but his hands up my shirt and began to undo my bralette. I was getting uncomfortable but I didn't say anything. The rest was a blur to me I can't remember exactly what else happened and in what order. The next thing I remember is that he pulled out his wallet and pulled out about 5 condoms. He torn out off opened it and put it on. I told him that I was a virgin and that I did not want to have sex with. He didn't seem to think me simply not wanted to have sex within was a good reason not to have sex and continued to move his body closer to me. I told him I was on my period, which I was. At that point I thought he was out stop pestering me to have sex with him but he then said well how long have you been on your period. I stupidly answered like 5-6 days. He then said then your probably not bleeding anymore and that he just wants to have sex and he does care if theres a little blood. Again I told him that I didn't want to and I said that I had tampon in. He told me if wouldn't work if I had a tampon in and he said to go tot he bathroom and take it out. So I did I went to the bathroom pulled out the tampon and there was no more blood. I came back to my dorm and saw N.S on my bed with his dick erect I told him there was no blood but I told him I didn't not want to have sex with him because I was a virgin and was saving my virginity for my first boyfriend or first love. I was not comfortable having sex with someone I barely knew that was clearly a fuckboy.. He kept insisting that it was ok that it wouldn't hard and the he could make me feel so good. I hopped onto the bed and told him again I think we should just put back on our clothes and go to sleep at this point it was around 3 am and we had classes tomorrow, He still insisted that we try and told me that It would be fine and it would feel so good, completely ignoring how uncomfortable I was. He pushed me down and tried to insert his penis in me from behind but I was rejecting it, It wouldn't fit and I told him not to forced it and I told him for the last time that I didn't want have sex, He stopped took the condom off throw it on the floor and put back on his pants and shirt. I told hime to give me my closets. I put back on my clothes. He laid on my bed and I laid next to him. He joked around about the fact that his dick was too big that it wouldn't fit. I told him it was ok to sleep over as I like sleeping next to someone. Cause the medication I take often causes me to have intensive night terrors and sleep paralysis. He said that he didn't want to stay clearly because he didn't get what he wanted. He climbed out of my bed picked up the condom and wrapper and kissed me good night. Thats Part 1 of this story and ill be back to edit and finish part 2 of the actual sexual assault, but for now I'm heading to Miami because my call time is 4 pm for a photoshoot. It’s funny how back then I was so self conscious about my looks and now I’m being paid to model. Its crazy how life just switcches up on you.

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barnowl98 · 6 years

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AYYYY I’m going to share my mental health story

I was watching a thing on youtube about someone who was sharing their story, and I decided I wanted to do that too. This may contain triggers, but if you do decide to read it, read it all the way through.

You should know that I’ve only ever told a few people about this, I’ve never told any of my friends off the internet, or my parents, and it should be noted that I HAVE NOT TALKED TO NOR AM I A PROFESSIONAL. I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN PROFESSIONAL HELP AND IF YOU ARE CAN RELATE TO ANY OF THIS STUFF GET HELP, TRUST ME I WISH I HAD BUT THERE WERE OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL AND A LOT THAT I KNOW NOW THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THEN. SERIOUSLY, IT CAN’T HURT SO JUST DO IT.

But seriously, it’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I can share this, and even now it’s only on a somewhat anonymous post where no one I actually know will ever find it.

Now that I’m done yelling at you, I can start.

Sooo... the first thing that should be known is that one of my family members is borderline (actually maybe not even borderline, they may have crossed that line but I don’t know) abusive, not physically, but mentally. I’ve been told I’m worthless, ugly, useless, never going to be happy, my whole life. I’m overweight, and always have been. When I was 9 this person tried to convince me to basically not eat anything, and I almost bought their argument until they told me I would never be happy if I was fat.

When I was little I would write short cute stories, and as far as I remember they weren’t bad, and when I let this person read them, they would always laugh. I thought they were laughing at the stories. Turns out they were laughing at my spelling mistakes. I found out when I asked them to read my essay for school. They laughed at it. It wasn’t funny. I told them I wanted to be an author when I grew up. They told me I could never be an author because I was to fat. Thats when I stopped worrying about my weight. That statement, that I couldn’t write because I was fat, was just so BS that even I could tell it wasn’t true.

But the thing is: if someone tells you these things, every few days, for years, you start to wonder if they’re right. Especially if this is an authority figure. I promised myself then that I was going to prove them wrong. I still am working on that promise. I write as much as I want, and I do what makes me happy, and the day after I can consider myself happy is the day I start a diet. Is it physically healthy? No. But as I’ve grown I realized that even before I knew what mental health was, I was putting it first. Its more important to be happy than it is to be happy.

Anyway thats that part of the basic info. The other part is that in elementary school I had a best friend. We became friends in first grade, and by 4th we were nearly inseparable. Except that apparently she wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t know what happened. She won’t tell me. Did I say something or do something? I still don’t know. All I know is that one day we were fine and the next day on the playground she told me not to talk to her again.

I don’t know, maybe its just my kind of personality, but that completely destroyed me. Like its one thing if you don’t like me because of something, but to go from being my best friend to nothing with no explanation... I still don’t know what I did, and that still bothers me. Now I’ve guessed that it was probably peer pressure since all the other girls in our class came to me 3 days later and told me they also wanted nothing to do with me. But I didn’t really care about them, they were only my friends because of her, but I do remember sitting on the playground when they told me all of they're little speech and I just remember crying and asking why. I said why so many times. They wouldn’t answer. After that I was left with one guy who also didn’t understand what was going on, and he pretty much saved my life the first time. He made it a goal to make sure I smiled every day. And I did because of him, but I also started into depression and social anxiety.

About a month after the end of our friendship, this girl comes back and thinks we can go back to being best friends, and I was like Bitch excuse you? But also I couldn’t talk to her. I didn’t know it then, but now its completely obvious. I had anxiety attacks when I tried to talk to her. 2 times I actually blacked out. I don’t think i fainted, but I remember being terrified when one second I was trying to talk to her, and the next thing I know I’m in a completely different place, but I have no memory of what happened, just a sense that time had passed. Its fucking terrifying, especially if you don’t know what’s happening.

But this girl, she doesn’t give up. We wrote notes back and forth for 2 years. She always insisted that she did want to be friends again and she was sorry for what happened. She never told me why though, and thats most of why it took 2 years. When I finally was able to talk to her again we became pretty close friends again. By then I had made friends with another girl, and the boy I had been friends with kind of headed towards hanging out with other guys. It was middle school, girls had cooties again. This other girl deserves a name because she literally saved me. But since I don’t have her permission, we’ll just call her Ash. Ash, “Her” and I were friends for a while, and it was great. That year I also got invited to a leadership conference in Washington DC for a week (which, side note, I think I had a nightmare that they were trying to sue me over the events that happened that I will now describe, so I’m going to be very careful about not mentioning the name. Don’t sue me, none of this is my fault.) So that spring I got on a plane with my aunt and went to WA DC. The conference thing was great. I got to see lots of places and we went all over and learned lots. The food was not great, so I didn’t really eat. I thought it was ok to skip eating so much since I was overweight. I WAS WRONG DO NOT EVER THINK THAT’S OK YOUR BODY THINKS ITS STARVING AND GOES INTO SURVIVAL MODE AND ACTUALLY WON’T LET YOU LOOSE ANY WEIGHT AND MAKES YOUR BRAIN NOT WORK RIGHT AND SUCH. This was just one of the factors. Another was my roommates. We were assigned rooms in groups of 4 with other kids from around the country. I should mention that this trip was kind of expensive, and I was lucky to raise the money to go, but almost everyone else there was rich. I got roomed with 2 rich... I’m just going to say it. Bitches. Fuck them. I’m getting ahead of myself. The other girl was like eh whatever I’m going to sleep. The 2 girls decided that instead of like just sleeping or whatever, it’d be fun to make my life living hell for the week. Now I’d been bullied at my school. I mean the best example is all the girls from the previous story shunning me. But the thing about my school is that they don’t do the bullying directly to the face. They might whisper behind your back, but they would never say it to your face. These girls were not that kind. They stole my stuff, they wouldn’t leave me alone, they kept watching tv so loud I couldn’t sleep till midnight or 1AM. Thats on top of jet lag. They bullied me into not asking for a room change. Finally on the Thursday of that week, I locked myself in the bathroom with my phone. I was crying and hyperventilating, I couldn’t move but I couldn’t stand to stay still. It was terrible.

That was the point. We were in a room on the 8th floor. There was a window. I wanted to end it all. I didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to stop existing forever.

But there was this tiny voice in my head begging me to try to get help. I had 2 friends, The girl and Ash, and Ash was kind of known for not being the most reliable person and little more happy go lucky, not really the kind of person that would help in this kind of a situation. This girl was reliable right? Seriously, what happened before was just so out of character for her, theres no way she would leave me literally on the edge. Right?

I called her. She answered. I was mid anxiety attack and couldn’t really make words, i was just sort of crying into the phone. She didn’t even listen or ask me if I was ok. She yelled at me for calling her so late at night, and she hung up. I called again. I texted her. I told her I needed to talk to her, I told her what was happening. I told her I wanted to say goodbye.

I decided to call Ash, just as a last resort. And I will tell you one thing about Ash. She has a slytherin exterior and persona, but on the inside she is a hufflepuff. She is the most loyal friend I’ve ever had, and she was ready to kill whoever hurt me. She let me talk to her mom, and she got grounded for a month for being on her phone at night, but she also didn’t care about those things. She cussed out the girls in my room for me. She stayed on the phone with me till morning to make sure I got the rest of the night to sleep. She made sure I was ok.

And like I wasn’t. I’m still not that ok. I’m still crying even thinking about it. And the other girl? She still gives me anxiety attacks. I avoid her at all costs. Shes not a bad person, in fact I we have a lot of common interests. There was a reason we were such good friends. Now she works in my bank, and I have to go talk to her sometimes, and I always leave the bank on the verge of an anxiety attack.

And Ash and I aren’t really friends anymore we kind of went into different branches in high school, but I will always be thankful for her. She always has a place in my heart.

I want to say more about how all this has effected me but honestly I’m exhausted rn. What happened made me who I am, but I think I’d like to change that bit if I could. Its ok to have regrets. Its ok to have problems. Take care of them. Take care of yourself. You will be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it now, and it will take time. You won’t be ok next week, or next month, or maybe even next year. Maybe not 10 years from now. But eventually one day you’ll think back and realized that hey, you’re ok. Its ok. And then you can let it go. And thats ok. Everythings ok in the end. I love you. Its late and night. I’m going to sleep now. Seriously, I love you, especially if you think no one else does. I would love to talk to anyone who I can, but tbh find a professional, I’m just a young adult who doesn’t know anything and I tend to mother hen ppl with problems and thats not good for my choice to put my happiness first, and also I don’t consistently get tumblr messages, but there are plenty of free emergency health lines, some even that you can text to, so google one up and get help. Seriously, its worth finding help. Your life is worth it. I promise.

Sorry for spelling mistakes there are a lot of red squiggly lines but idc rn

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grownupthinking-blog · 7 years

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Perspective

PERCEPTION

AKA - seeing the man behind the curtain and still thinking he’s a wizard.

Sometimes growing up makes you realize a lot of things you took for granted when you were younger. Your parents aren’t always right about everything, food doesn’t just magically appear in your fridge, or the Santa at the mall isn’t the real Santa (spoilers, I know). But then there are other things that you just have to learn as you go, like car insurance sucks, health insurance (I’m American) REALLY sucks, and buying property doesn’t always mean cheaper month to month bills. You have to do your dishes. You have to scrub out the tub and toilet. You are the one who has to vacuum, sweep, mop and take out the trash all the time. There isn’t anyone there to catch you if you fall. You need to make your own doctors appointments. You need a job, that you may or may not like. It’s all part of growing up and it’s all what shapes us into the people we are.

Growing up, your parents/guardians instill in you values and beliefs that you just assume are universal truths. “Everyone eats dinner at 6pm” “Thursdays are always burger nights” “Clear your plate when you’re done eating.” (Forgive me, I’m a chef by trade, so food is my metaphor or choice). It isn’t until you get away from them and live for a bit that you see how the rest of the world lives. Not even class differences, but much smaller than that – going to a friends house and seeing what they eat for dinner, how they arrange the furniture in their living room or even which parent does which tasks. IT’s one of those eye-opening experiences that makes tou think about the way things are and how they potentially could be – it makes you ask, “Why?”

And that’s when conflict starts. “But why do I have to make my bed every morning?” “But why do I have to do the dishes before I go to bed EVERY NIGHT? They’ll still be there in the morning.” “Why can’t we eat dinner at 8pm instead of 6 so we can go see this movie?” I remember asking my parents why we didn’t go out to eat more. We were relatively well off family, everyone was always home at a decent hour and I wasn’t asking for a Michelin dinner – just Portillo’s or something easy. I always got dirty looks from my parents and they asked, “Well, are you going to pay for it?” I was nine years old. I was more interested in collecting Pokemon cards (the original 150) than collecting dollars and coins. It became a sticking point for me, so much so that I would stay at a friends house, at least 3 nights a week, for dinner because we would go out somewhere. My friends parents had no issue getting all of us some cheeseburgers from McDonalds or Hot Dogs from the place around the corner. It saved them time, made everyone happy and was inexpensive. The nights I would come home for dinner were always spent sulking because I didn’t want to eat the Shake and Bake nonsense my Mom would make, or the gray steak Dad would make (our broiler was not very good). So I went on trying to avoid coming home for dinner. Avoid the problem and it would just go away, right?

Fast forward 6 years. I’m 15, in high school, just got my braces off and I have my first boyfriend. Coming out in high school was not something I was ready to do. I had told a few of my close friends and that was good enough for me, but “flaunting” it was not something I was prepared to do.

**Sidebar: I, as most young, scared gay kids, covered by fear with active homophobia. I never hurt anyone (to my knowledge) but I used to think of it as a bad thing. I’ve since grown up, but we’ll get to that.**

I had my boyfriend and we were together outside of school whenever possible. He lived by school, so I would always say I had to stay for an extra rehearsal or something and just go to his house. Both of his parents worked late, so we would usually have the house to ourselves for a few hours. Things got pretty serious pretty fast. Six months in (remember we’re 15) we decided to tell our families. Well, he told his family, and I chickened out. I remember calling him from the laundry room in my parents basement, crying. I told him I wasn’t strong enough, or good enough for him and we needed to break it off. It wasn’t fair for him to be with someone who couldn’t bring himself to admit the relationship to his family. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I broke up with him. At the time, this was the best course of action I could think of. Avoiding the problem, once again.

Jump ahead another six years. I’m 21, living “on my own” with roommates on our college campus in an apartment my Dad is paying for. So adult. I’m doing small catering gigs out of our apartment to pay my rent and casually seeing someone. I’m pulling Cs in my classes (I used to be an A student) and I’ve gained about 80 pounds since coming to college. It comes time for winter finals, and I end up sleeping through my last one. I’m already doing poorly in the class, but theres no way I can make it up. I end up failing the class and I get put on academic probation. This is very new for me. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t avoid my parents finding out – the university mailed a letter home. I took the next semester off to “figure everything out.” I went to see a therapist. He told me I have “performance anxiety.” That didn’t register with me. How could I have performance anxiety? I have been performing on stages since I was 7. His evaluation told me that the performances I was used to – being in large groups and not really singled out – didn’t affect me or my life like the ones I was currently doing. Tests in classes that I knew I needed for my degree. Coming to terms with people – one on one – in relationships that could lead to something more fulfilling, more real, than just hanging out and having sex here and there. These were the things that were giving me anxiety, that I were afraid of.

So I dropped out of college. It was definitely a mutual decision. I went to talk to my advisor and dean, and we came to the decision that me retaking courses and pulling my grades up wouldn’t be enough, and I’d end up somewhere mediocre when I graduated. I didn’t want that, and honestly I wasn’t happy in the career I chose. I thought the material was interesting and exciting, but the day to day drudgery was eating at me soul. I wasn’t happy.

I moved home, mustered up some courage, and enrolled myself in a culinary school…without telling my parents. They weren’t very happy with me. We had a few fights, one lasting about a month where my Dad didn’t really speak to me, and one big one at the end. The final one happened all over the house, us following each other screaming and crying, and ended up with me making the biggest admittance I’ve ever made to anyone in my life – “I just want you guys to be proud of me” was what I told my parents through tears. It was one of those “a-ha” moments that only came about because I had nothing left in me – nowhere else to hide.

Over the last six years, I have gone to culinary school, graduated and worked countless jobs around the city networking with chefs and people I never imagined I would ever meet, moved out on my own (for real this time, mortgage and all), bought my own car, and have had the same job for almost two years now. I’ve dropped the 80 pounds I’ve gained from college and try to eat healthy whemever I can. Ironically, it’s taking me quitting the job I’ve worked the past two yeasrs for me to have this “a-ha” moment.

I have been a chef for the last three years at two places. The first was a grocery store and butcher and the second was a restaurant. Both have taught me more in three years than my seven collective years of college ever did. And the latter job has taught me to question everything again. I’ve been asking “why?” again – and not accepting “that’s just how it is” as a legitimate answer. I love the restaurant industry. Looking at it from afar and seeing how many people it gives jobs to, how much the industry as a whole does for every single person every single day, and seeing the individuals who come in, bust their asses for a minimum wage paycheck, and are satisfied with a pat on the back and a “good job, see you tomorrow” really make me take pause. The great things people can do when they accept each other, put aside their differences and come together is great, but also seeing the hard work, dedication and sometimes overworking it takes to just get the doors open really makes me proud to do what I do. I’ve seen life from a lot of different viewpoints over the last 27 years, and I feel like I’ve seen the man behind the curtain. I know pain for losing someone you love and I know the joy of seeing new life come to be. I know how to start a business and I’ve seen businesses I’ve run nosedive when I leave. I’ve seen people flourish in jobs we’ve given them after a tough life on the streets or even jail time. I’ve seen rich, worry-free grown men who think they’re shit doesn’t stick humbled to the point that I have to teach them how to clean lettuce properly so the customers and their restaurants don’t end up chewing on sand.

It’s important to keep perspective and know where you’ve been. Some people say that you should never look back because it distracts you from looking forward, but I disagree with that. Looking back gives you the knowledge you need to be able to move forward and be greater than the sum of your parts.

I am a man. I am gay. I am white. I am loving. I am generous. And I am Human.

We can all fight about politics, race, gender, inequality, pay, or even how to fold a bedsheet. When it all boils down, we’re all human, and we need to work together to be great. As one of my best friends and mentors put it, “Everyone just needs to do their fucking job. Stop fighting and complaining, just do your job.” Our jobs are to be greater than the individual. Let’s do it.

#grown up #bedtime thoughts #adulting #truth #honesty #deep thoughts

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