#there were a lot more ranting tags after the previous one but i just don't feel up for it anymore

[petrichoraline]

For the honest answer ask game: what's the history of your blog? (this really just includes how/when you began blogging on tumblr, content, your interactions and your special moments on here etc; whatever you wish to prioritize for the ask in context).

honest hour question answered 3 days later <3 truly hope the wait was worth it love hahah

as someone who's gone through my archive already, you know i started out as a bts fan account in 2015. (my previous blog is not gonna be discussed for the simple reason that it's barely relevant to this one)

i believe i used to tag and organise my reblogs? there was a time where i cared enough and i loved srolling through my own blog, i stopped enjoying that when i became more involved w/ fandom on here and things weren't aesthetics based anymore. i don't like going through it that much now. i used to play around with themes, search for them, tweak colours and fonts for hours. after i returned years later there was an issue with the editor so now i can't change my theme at all and it sucks cause i just want to edit a few things.

so it started of as a bts fanblog, then i started rb-ing other kpop stuff, maybe afterwards i started sharing gifsets from movies and series i liked? as for fandom, i had a good amount of mutuals - accidentally became one with a girl from my country, we went out once and it was very nice <3 procrastinated and lost track fo tag games back then too lmaoo i felt a lot of dissatisfaction over it so i try to do everything now with my current fandom :)

back then is when i started reading fanfiction - i believe my first imagine was a taegi one where v was an artist and yoongi a photographer lol i stumbled upon it on the dash randomly and i got introduced to ao3 a bit after

iirc for the following years after i'd stopped stanning bts, i used to come back either relatively often or once in a blue moon - in the beginning i was just enjoying wtv my dash was offering me or seeking out specific stuff, then i started using it as a tracklist of what shows i've watched haha, no tags, just rb after finishing a show.

i started engaging with fandom around the release of episode 5 of kinnporsche, i read a bunch of posts on here, then tms2 came around and i got even more into reading people's takes..at some point i started talking to people i guess hahah i don't even know when i started trying to put out content, so to say, i just know i was doing screenshot posts short before i found myself pushed to attempt gifs and that was after big dragon had just finished airing.

then i started my giffing journey. had support from @gillianthecat whom i loved giffing paulnice for. honestly that and the discussions we had were such an important part of me having fun with this site and keeping it up. and @joyladagang, my self-proclaimed #1 hype woman, made me feel super welcome. then i got even more moots, at some point i started reaching out or actively reciprocating others attempts at getting closer (though i had been active in discussions before that, i just mean i got a bit braver and started acting more familiar with everyone (esp w/ ppl i got closer to through @joyladagang like @cankersoregirl, @feralmuskyscentedhoepran, @loserlesbianongsa etc.)

i'm grateful to a lot of people on here, truly. it's not supposed to be a shoutout post so i won't be tagging any more people (esp since i would have to tag everyone who follows me plus a bunch of people i follow which..it's a bit much) but i'm genuinely thankful for each person that enjoys my rants, gifs, theories or wtv the things i post classify as, whether they found a post by accident or follow the blog. and i'm grateful to the creators i follow, and i'm happy to talk to so many sweet, smart and funny individuals on various topics daily.

so this is where my blog is at right now - trying to do a bit of everything and talking a bit with everyone. my issue, tbh, is i'm trying a bit too hard to satisfy everyone which sounds ridiculous but i am a bit of a people pleaser at times so it checks out lol

#ana thats such a good question!! thats a sleepy head answer youre getting though im sorry <33 #thank you sm for asking me smth <3 #ppg #petri replies #ask game

[where-them-kinomiya-at]

OK. EXPLODES. there's like. sooooo many facets of g-rev to get into, both for better and for worse (and when it comes to the bega arc it's very hard to talk about what i'd consider some of the best parts of the season without also going into... whatever the fuck they did after that.) but honestly. takao is i think a very good starting point to talk about what i'd say are the most interesting aspects of the season- and hell, out of the main cast, him and hiromi (who didn't really have anything to lose in the first place) are the only ones who made it out of the season unscathed.

there's like.. a lot to go over with him. but i think what i find the most interesting is the decision to go into just how deeply becoming world champion messed him up. like.. even if g-rev kind of backed out on most of the themes it was cooking as soon as kai joined bega, it's still a BOLD fucking direction to go. and it's just... i don't know man, it's almost horrifying in a way seeing this literal teenager thrown into the public eye y'know? he enjoys the attention, yes, but it's eating away at him in the long term and he doesn't even realize it!! he doesn't even know, chat!! and when you look back at s1 it hits you all over again that He's Just A Kid!! it hits you how much this has changed him!!!

honestly. i'm no good with words but i will probably write an entire very very long post on What G-Rev Was Cooking overall sometime. other key examples of The Vibe include barthez soldat just, as a whole, and the first several eps of the bega arc (again, the moment it goes to shit is when kai joins bega) (also ep 32 in particular is probably my favorite ep in the entire season)

Takao's struggles are definitely a major element in this season and yeah, it was messy and sad as hell. He faced the struggles of a real champion and the media/public throughout was as usual, god awful. Sometimes you gotta keep in mind that he's literally still a teenager. The media will be the media anyway but I'm glad Takao pulled through. I think this tension is one of the best parts of this season. But here's the thing....while focusing on Takao and Kai they had to degrade every other character in this season and that's why I can't watch it anymore.

The G-Revolution tensions were good and the battles were pretty good too, worth watching for sure. It's just that I cannot bear the deterioration of every other character apart from Takao and Kai even if they're my favourites. The BEGA arc doesn't exactly make up for Max and Rei either. I can go on about how much I hate the character focus in this season but that's another BIG ASS rant.

Personal opinion: Of course, I disliked the characterisation for some of the cast as well [i.e supporting/minor characters]. About Kai, ironically across the three seasons, this one was defo my...least favourite....the nicest way I can put it (his design was fabulous though of course). It's not that I disliked him but I prefer the personas of the previous two seasons. Just a personal opinion though lmao, no offence. Also they took zero elements from V-Force (which I may say would have helped build this season up more) and pretended like it never happened [like yeah YALL PLAYED TAG TEAM LAST YEAR REMEMBER??? and Takao and Max BOTH. WON. TOGETHER. REMEMBER???]. And yes, V-Force took plenty of elements from season 1 despite the change of directions.

Episode 32 was a good one for sure, because that's when the tensions following the BEGA arc took place.

#bakuten shoot beyblade #beyblade g revolution

[sophieinwonderland]

i havent read what the previous anon was responding to, but, to give my opinion, as long as you tag it properly, talking about psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, etc. should be encouraged instead of shunning the topic like most people do. and i think hallucinations and alters absolutely intersect, as someone that experiences delusional attachments and not being able to tell if voices are headmates or hallucinations a lot of the time.

-a very-likely psychotic system

Thank you!

This topic is frustrating and can be a bit of a minefield to wade through but I do agree so much that this is an important conversation to have.

There is way too much misinformation about these disorders and how they function. And the silence on the similarities and differences results in fewer people actually knowing what the symptoms are.

I hope you don't mind me going into a bit of a rant on this...

For us, we went through a list of symptoms to figure out what disorders we did or did not have. Ruling out Schizophrenia was obviously important. And we had no trouble doing that. After all, my voice was always a mind voice. Something very much internal. And our understanding of psychotic disorders was always that the hallucinations would be external in nature! Except...

Most voices in both DID and psychotic disorders are from inside. The psychotic groups (with and without maltreatment) were slightly more likely to report voices being entire internal, but both were about the same.

The criteria we used to determine that we didn't have Schizophrenia was wrong.

No, we don't have it. We're confident about that. But we aren't the only ones who have heard in the system community that mistakenly believe hallucinations in psychotic disorders need to be external.

And it's more than that...

The frequency of visual, tactile, olfactory and gustatory hallucinations is VASTLY higher in the DID group. It's not even close.

And both the DID group and the Maltreatment Schizophrenic group report similar feelings of being controlled by the voices.

What this study shows is that there are so many symptoms that are thought of as being associated with Schizophrenia that are actually much more associated with DID. And the differences between the hallucinations are often... not what you would think.

There are points here that can be very useful. If you experience voices as ONLY being outside, then you probably don't have DID since those systems would experience those voices as mostly internal or both. But that group whose hallucinations were only external was surprisingly a relatively small one. Only 28% of those without maltreatment and 19% with.

...

And this is a very touchy subject on all sides.

Some non-systems with psychotic disorders worry that talking about this could encourage "delusions" of these hallucinations being real. Which I realize could be concerning. I do understand that. But again, there are psychiatrists who believe that trying to ignore treatment-resistant voices until they go away is more harmful.

Then you have some psychotic systems who draw a firm line between hallucinated voices and alters... in these cases, because they likely have both internal and external hallucinations, I think they mistakenly believe that all psychotic hallucinations must be external. This, as we see, is a dangerous misconception with more than half of psychotics exclusively experiencing internal hallucinations.

And finally, there is a group of non-psychotic systems who just instantly view any comparison between experiences as invalidating because to them "hallucination = not real." Even though mind-voices of all non-fronting headmates are classified by psychiatrists as hallucinations.

...

Because of the discourse over this topic, the coiner of the term "hallucingenic system" was bullied and harassed until they deleted the post. That whole fiasco was just an absolute travesty, and I still can't get over it.

I firmly believe that we need inter-community discussions. We need to be able to build a framework for assessing our symptoms and experiences, and determine what symptoms are psychotic, what may be a dissociative disorder, and what falls into neither category.

Be mindful of others, yes. But we can't hide away from the topic because the conversation makes us uncomfortable.

#ask box #syscourse #did #dissociative identity disorder #schizophrenia #plural #endogenic #psychosis #hallucinations #osddid #tulpa #delusions #mental health #psychiatry #psychology #multiplicity #system #systems #plurality #system stuff #we don't have DID but I'm sharing in the DID tags because I'm hoping the information from these charts can be helpful

[mercifuldeaths]

Hey I saw your tags on that reblog about the Armand casting and you said that you were upset after hearing a talk by Anne. As a fellow AR hater, do you mind me asking what she said? I'm just curious, no pressure tho

Hey! oh yeah I could give you the run down. She didn't specifically say anything about Armand but...yeah, it just wasn't a pleasant experience. I'm so sorry I feel like this is going to be a whole long rant full of run on sentences--

It was awhile ago so I don't remember it all completely and totally but I do remember being disappointed that she hardly talked about the Vampire Chronicles.

She actually didn't speak all that much (maybe 20mins out of the hour or so). Her publisher (or editor? Someone from the publishing house) spoke a lot on their relationship as collaborators and Anne played into it but basically implied that she did all the hard work and only took notes when she thought it was important to. And the editor laughed and said that she stopped giving Anne notes because she knew Anne wouldn't take them.

Mostly she went off on tangents about her jesus series which didn't make a whole lot of sense to me as this was a Prince Lestat event and I personally had no interest in any of her other series except VC. And she threw quite a bit of shade at people who didn't enjoy any of her other works.

If I recall correctly this was the release day event- meaning nobody in the audience had read the book yet. We were all expecting a sort of return to normalcy in the books (not TotBT/Memnoch type plots) and she talked about how in all her previous books she was closing doors on characters and she was shutting down good things from happening, so with PL and the following books she wanted to open things up again. Which I was all for!

However, it was at this point that I think I cracked open PL just to skim for Louis (I needed to see if this poor man had at least a footnote) and I remember coming across Lestat attacking David in a forest or something? Something about it didn't sit right with me. (Totally understand that this bit was personal and had nothing to do with Anne herself or her interview but it just set the tone for the rest of the evening, I think.)

One part I have hammered into my brain is when she said how she has a separate computer screen in her office with all of the characters summaries, names, etc. SPECIFICALLY SAYING that she keeps it open to spell the characters' names correctly. Someone call my boy Daniel MOLLOY because I think he has a bone to pick.

The movie was discussed and she said that Tom was horrible but also amazing and he was fantastic but he also wasn't Lestat and didn't look enough like him but also that he had a deep respect for the material and transformed into Lestat....like. Pick a side, did you like it or nah.

OH- the more I'm writing the more I'm remembering omfg

Her editor said that she asked Anne to cut gay sex scenes because it wasn't right for the 'age' they were in. I interpreted this to mean the AIDS crisis-obviously implying that gay sex was to be avoided in literature. I understand this because at the time it was groundbreaking and could have stopped the book from getting published at all, but the fact that Anne nor her publisher would even say HIV/AIDS in the year 2014 gave me the ick. They skirted around the issue when I thought it could have been a really interesting conversation discussing publishing a 'controversial' novel. In short, they laughed off a serious issue that fundamentally changed the books and her vampire lore.

So. Her talkback alone wasn't TOO bad. Mostly boring, if I'm being honest. I just figured she had a bit of an ego and was an out of touch older woman. (This was before I had done any research on her. This was my first exposure to Anne. Oh god if I only knew what I know now lmao)

But what really made me an AR hater was how she interacted with people at the meet and greet.

I remember walking into the room and still being on line so I could watch her talk to people and take photos. Everyone there was lovely. The whole crowd was buzzing.

What charm Anne had on stage at the interview was completely gone. She was cold and really seemed like she didn't want to be there now that she had her say up on stage.

She was cold to me, but I got my signed copy and photo. I told her that the books meant a lot to me and that Lestat taught me that it's okay to be unapologetically myself at a time when I was still learning who exactly I was. No response. Ouch.

What really floored me was when my friend (who was next in line) told her how the books had been a safe haven for him and ultimately inspired him to come out. She gave a half hearted laugh and said 'as if I haven't heard that before'

I'm just happy Armand wasn't brought up because I think that would have been.....yep. And Louis's name was not mentioned- not even ONCE the entire evening.

Anywayyyy, my signed copy of Prince Lestat sits on my bookshelf still unread, collecting dust, because she put such a bad taste in my mouth.

#aaaand that's it #sorry for the ramble #it all just kinda came out in word vomit #vc #asks #maybe it wasn't THAT bad #like shes said worse for SURE #but ouch. i think the meet and greet just hurt

[ghost-of-you]

catch 22 - ch - Part 2

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character

Word Count: 15.4k

Warnings: mentions of underage drinking, a panic attack, some swearing

Author's note: this is mostly fluff, but we do get on the angst train now so buckle up.

The title for this one is from friends don't by Maddie & Tae

read it on ao3

Series Masterlist

playlist

part 1 part 3

___________

Yes, we do, but friends don't. 

2012

The first time Calum called Emma, she was so shocked she almost forgot she was supposed to answer. She was already in bed, a Disney movie playing on her laptop, while she waited for sleep to come when the phone rang. 

When she answered, after staring at the screen for a second too long, he said he wanted to ask her something about a class, something she thought was odd since she went to a different school, but he said she was "the smartest person he could think of" and she tried to explain what he was supposed to do, promising to help him in person the next time she saw him if he still couldn't figure it out. He didn't hang up after that, asking what she was doing before he called and somehow they were still talking much later when she could barely keep her eyes open. 

The first time Emma called Calum, was in the week following that. She couldn't think of an excuse for the call, saying she just felt like talking to him, making him chuckle and start telling her about something funny that had happened in one of his classes. Soon those calls became a constant thing. Something Emma looked forward to. She started calling when something exciting happened, but soon changed to calling when anything she felt like talking about happened since Calum didn't seem to mind it when she ranted about a tv show or book or freaked out about a test the following day. He, on the other hand, rarely had a specific topic in mind. A few other times he asked for help with a project, but mostly he just asked about her day to start the conversation. 

Emma liked the routine of calls a lot now that the boys moved the rehearsals to a rehearsal space, Ashton usually picking them up from school and driving them and the instruments around. That, unfortunately for Emma, meant that she didn’t spend nearly as much time with them as the previous year. She still tagged along at weekends when she could, but the lack of daily hangouts meant they had more to talk about, something she wasn’t complaining about, even though she missed them more than she would ever dare to admit.

The shortened time with them also expanded her time alone, which is probably why she’s freaking out, she wasn’t as used to being around him as she was before even though she was talking to him more than ever between texts and the calls.

“It’s just Calum,” Emma keeps telling herself as she stares at the send button. 

To Cal ❤️: Hey can I come over?

She hits send before she can talk herself out of it and locks her phone, setting it on the sand beside her. It rings faster than she expected. 

From Cal ❤️: yup ;)

To Cal ❤️: k see u soon 

She exhales loudly trying to calm herself down, he’s her friend, why wouldn’t he want to see her? He is her friend, right? She doesn’t know why she’s spiraling, so she gets up and walks. She misses him. She misses the bubble of craziness around all of them, really. Days just didn’t feel the same. So the rush of excitement she feels getting to Calum’s house is something she understands.

She sends him an “I’m here” when she turns into his street and smiles to herself when his door opens almost immediately after. 

“Hey,” she waves at him when she’s a few feet away from him, waiting for her on the sidewalk. He closes the distance between them, arms outstretched, pulling her into a hug and lifting her from the ground, making her squeak and hold on tightly to him, arms around his neck.

“Hi,” he replies to her hair before putting her down, making her laugh. “Are you ever at your own house?” He teases, leading them back in.

“Between school, following you guys around, and trying to keep my sanity by watching the waves until my mum is about to call the cops, not really, no,” she jokes, following him through the house. "I just hate being alone at that house," she shrugs, walking into his bedroom, "are you always home alone?" She asks in return. 

"Just when you decide to show up at my door," he replies, and she laughs. "Mum works weird hours," he shrugs, and she nods. 

"What were you doing?" She asks, sitting on his bed while he rolls his computer chair to sit in front of her.

“Playing,” he points to the computer behind him.

“Sorry for making you stop,” she says.

“It’s fine, love, I was getting bored anyway,” his gaze is intense, hands are resting on her knees, and she doesn’t know what to do except look at him. “Oh,” his face suddenly lights up and he sits up straight, “Did Mike tell you we got a gig?” 

“Really?” She smiles with him, “He didn’t. Where? When? Can I come?” 

“If you’re up for carrying gear, I’m sure we can get you in,” he jokes, but she nods.

“Sure, I can carry guitars, 'cause Ash won’t let me touch his drums, or, I don’t know, pretend I’m helping you set things up," she pauses, “or actually help set up things,” her enthusiasm makes him laugh, “what is it?”

“It’s a party."

“That could be fun,” she says and he nods, hands settling back on her knees, and she could feel her cheeks heat up under his gaze.

“Wanna watch a movie or something?” He asks, and she feels herself nodding “sure” before fully registering his question. She didn't have a plan in mind when she texted him. She just wanted to see him. Watching something sounds better than sitting there and awkwardly looking at each other. She watches as he spins in the chair, moving closer to the desk, and searches for whatever movie he wants, before noticing she’s staring and shaking her head, kicking her sneakers off, dropping back into the bed, and moving to sit with her back against the headboard when he hits play. 

Calum picks a random action movie, but none of them are paying close attention to it. It starts with a classic motivation scene, and Emma points it out as the bad guy is about to attack the love interest, laughing and gesturing to the screen while Calum tries not to laugh too. After that, they start to point out all the cliches and stupid things in the movie, Emma looking at him every time something she said is about to happen does happen to watch his reaction, with every comment getting closer to him until she’s completely pressed against his side.

"Love," he whispers, and she turns her face to him, eyes slowly moving to look at him, her gaze going back and forth between Calum and the screen. 

"Yeah?" She asks while his eyes seem focused on her lips, making her extremely conscious of how close he is. 

"I wanna kiss you," he says and she questions for a second if she's hearing it right before nodding, her gaze dropping from his eyes to his lips. 

"Okay," she hums, and his hand finds her neck, bringing her closer, before kissing her. She holds the front of his shirt while she kisses him back, pulling him forward and shifting her body so the position wouldn’t be so awkward, her heartbeat rising as she doesn’t know what to do with what she’s feeling. Calum pulls back, the smile on his face making her feel breathless, but then he’s pulling her towards him again, and she can’t think of anything other than his lips on hers.

Too soon, her phone starts ringing, letting her know that her mother is trying to find her and bringing them back to reality.

Emma lets it ring, she doesn’t want to hear that she’s late or that she’s been gone too long.

“I gotta go,” she says, moving away from Calum, so she could get out of the bed.

“You didn’t even check,” he frowns at her, reaching for her phone while she puts her sneakers back on.

“I don’t have to, I’m willing to bet that’s my mum asking me why I’m not home" she looks back at him just as he unlocks the phone in his hand.

“One missed call from mum,” he nods and she shoots him a grin.

“Told ya,” she says standing up and motioning for Calum to give her the phone.

She pockets it and searches around to see if she’s forgetting something while he gets up and stands beside her.

“Wait,” she says, suddenly turning to look at him.

“What?” He asks, sounding alarmed.

“You kissed me,” she starts and he answers before she can finish her thought.

“I’m pretty sure you agreed to it,” he smirks at her.

“We have never done that before,” she adds, raising an eyebrow at him.

“No, but I wouldn’t mind if it happened again,” his face is serious now, looking at her intently.

“So, what? We do this now?”

“I’m down whenever you are.” 

“Sounds good to me."

“Good,” he leans down to kiss her again, fast and sweet, making her giggle.

“I really need to go, though,” she says, starting to walk out of his room and he follows her as she makes her way out.

Emma stops when she reaches the front door, waiting while Calum looks for the keys. She steps out of the way when he moves closer to her and unlocks it.

“Bye, Cal,” she says, reaching for the doorknob.

“Hang on,” he pulls her by her waist and kisses her one more time, “now you can go,” he says, opening the door for her and she giggles.

“See ya,” she says and he winks at her, making her laugh as she walks away.

______

“Are you ready?” Emma asks, sitting beside Michael on the steps in front of his house, waiting for their ride to arrive.

“I was born ready, babe."

“I don’t think you knew how to play the guitar when you were born,” she jokes and he scoffs at her.

“Are you ready? You hate parties,” he asks in return, turning to her.

“You hate parties,” she shoots back.

“I don’t hate this one, I’m the main attraction,” he brags and she starts laughing.

“Technically, you’re only one-fourth of the main attraction,” she teases.

“Everyone only ever looks at the guitarist, you know that.”

“Then you’re half the main attraction,”

“Stop ruining this for me,” he grunts, and she grins at his reaction.

“I can’t let you get all cocky on me, I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I did."

“If you wanna be a good friend you need to hype me up,” he argues.

“I love you and you’re my favorite, but I also need to make sure you stay grounded, you know? Can’t let it get to your head," she teases, tapping his temple and he pushes her arm away.

“No, no you don’t."

“Oh my God, it’s Michael Clifford, the best musician ever and my only goal in life it’s to get his attention,” she’s fanning herself, speaking in a high-pitched voice, and Michael is frowning at her, “better?” She adds, speaking normally now.

“I hate you,” he says, rolling his eyes at her and she laughs.

“No, you don’t, you love me, you wouldn’t put up with me if you didn’t."

“Now that you pointed it out, you really are very annoying."

“Hey!”

“You said it, not me,” he shrugs, and she shakes her head.

“You know what? I take it back, you’re not my favorite."

“Why?” He complains and she shrugs.

“You’re annoying me."

“That’s not a good enough reason, trouble."

“Of course it is."

“No, it isn’t."

“It is."

"It isn't."

"It is."

“Come on," he complains, with a frown and she frowns back.

“You said I’m very annoying."

“You said I’m cocky."

“I said I can’t let you get cocky,” she tries to explain but he interrupts her.

“And that’s why you’re annoying."

“I hate you."

“You love me,” he winks at her.

“No, I don't, you're an idiot."

“Hey, don’t be mean,” he pouts and she chuckles.

“Sorry,” she pauses, “wait, no, you called me annoying, I can call you an idiot."

“And that’s your plan to make me not think you’re annoying?”

“Yep."

"You're crazy."

"And yet, you're the one that loves me," she grins at him and he just looks at her, like he can't think of what to say.

Michael is still thinking of a comeback when the headlights of Ashton's car light up the street and he honks and stops in front of them.

*****

Calum kept his arm around Emma's shoulders after their performance, dragging her along with him through the crowded place, and all she can do is smile and go along with it because she doesn't want to be away from him and she likes the warm feeling she gets in her chest from having him around.

After a while she falls quiet, resting her head against him as he talks to a group of people whose names she had already forgotten. She doesn't even notice when he excuses himself and only reacts as he starts moving again, leading them away from the party.

"Are you tired?" He asks when they reach the side of the house, the music now just background noise.

"A little," she admits, "but I can last a few more hours, y'all seem to be having fun," she smiles at him, sitting down on the ground leaning back on the wall, and closing her eyes.

"Really? 'Cause it felt like you were about to fall asleep on me in there," he jokes, sitting in front of her and she opens her eyes to look at him.

"Well, you're very comfortable," she tells him and he chuckles.

"Thank you?" He asks and she giggles. Maybe she is more tired than she thinks.

"What time is it? My phone died," she frowns at the pitch-black sky before looking back at the boy in front of her.

"2:27," he says after checking and she blinks at him.

"Really? Oh wow, no wonder I'm tired," she laughs.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was this late."

"Well, it's a good thing, not noticing, it means we were having fun."

"Yeah," he nods and she's watching him.

"Did I tell you you look good today? I like that shirt," she says before she could stop herself. He's wearing a navy blue button-down shirt that makes him look dressed up and cute, especially when he grins at her like that.

"Thank you."

"I just thought I should mention it," she shrugs and he tilts his head, the grin never leaving his lips.

"You really are tired, aren't you, love?" He asks and she frowns at him.

"What? I can't tell you that I think you’re cute?" 

"You can, I just think it’s the sleepiness talking."

"I am sleepy, but I'm always sleepy," she laughs, stifling a yawn.

"Come here," he says, moving so he could sit beside her, wrapping his arm around her and she drops her head to his shoulder, "I think you look cute too," he says to her hair and she smiles.

"Thank you," she giggles and looks up at him, "it's the makeup."

"No, it isn't," he looks like he wants to say something more, but he doesn't. Her thoughts are starting to get away from her, the closeness making her think back to what it was like to kiss him and now she can't take her eyes off his lips.

"Hey Cal?" She asks before she can lose the courage.

"Yeah?"

"I wanna kiss you," she echoes, looking up at his eyes and he moves his hand to her cheek and closes the distance between them. His lips are soft and she pulls him closer by his collar, making him laugh against her lips, and adjust so that he could get closer before kissing her again. 

Emma is almost asleep, head laying on Calum's shoulder when Ashton comes to find them so they could leave and she's still smiling to herself when she's finally in her bed.

______

It was getting out of hand. Kissing Calum is all Emma could think about. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't do anything without ending up in some elaborate daydream fueled by feelings she didn't fully understand. She hadn’t seen Calum, or any of them for that matter, in weeks, since they booked a tour as an opening act, then somehow ended up in meetings with managers in London and they hadn’t talked about what kissing meant and she thought she was cool with the whole situation but maybe she wasn’t as chill about it as she thought. They still talked on the phone, almost daily now, but he didn’t bring it up, so she didn’t either.

That made her start writing. A dream she had. A thought that kept running around in her mind. A quote that spoke to her. A lyric from a song. It was her way to try to figure out what she was feeling. At first, it was just in the last few pages of her school notebooks, but as the writing helped her, she started a whole new notebook with just that. All sorts of thoughts. Mostly about Calum, not that she would ever admit it. She kept it in her backpack, pulling it out whenever she thought she needed it. 

And it was helping. But she kept trying to convince herself that it was just about kissing. If it were something more, he would've said something by now, right? Wondering was driving her crazy. She kept telling herself it was nothing. It's just Calum. He’s her friend. Friends can kiss each other, and it doesn't have to mean anything. 

And that's what she's doing, sitting by her window, a book in her hand she can't concentrate on, thoughts spinning in her head as she reads the same sentence over and over again trying to understand it when she catches a glimpse of something making her turn. 

She sees a familiar blonde head and can't help her excitement, shaking her arms to get his attention. When Michael finally notices her, she motions she's going over, and he nods. 

She runs out of her house, and it's getting to his front door when Michael opens it. 

"You're back!" She says, colliding to his chest, and throwing her arms around him, and he chuckles, hugging her back. "When did you get back?" She asks, stepping back.

"It's been a few hours." He shrugs. 

"And you didn't tell me?" She clutches her chest, faking outrage, before shoving him playfully.

“Why tell you if all I have to do is pass by a window for you to know?” He mocks her, and she shoves him again, pouting slightly. "Come on,” he motions for her to go in, leading them to his bedroom, where she drops to the floor, sitting with her back against the foot of the bed, facing the monitor that showed that Michael was playing Guitar Hero.

“I meant why didn’t you tell me you were coming back today. I thought you’d only be back next week,” she asks, more serious this time when he sits down next to her.

“We only had a few hours between finding out we could come back and getting on the plane, and honestly, I could only think about my bed, also,” he shoots her a look and grins, “I thought Calum would tell you,” the way he says his name makes Emma frown at him.

“What do you mean?” 

“You tell me, what’s going on between the two of you?” He asks and she blinks a couple of times, trying to gather her thoughts.

“Nothing?” She tells him, but it sounds like a question because she doesn’t really know.

“Oh, really? You’re gonna tell me you don’t like him?” He asks, again with the emphasis that makes her feel weird.

“What? No,” she says a little too quickly, “I don’t like him,” she adds, but it feels like she’s lying.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes,” at least she thinks so, but as she says it, again it feels like a lie. Does she like him? She couldn't, could she?

“So nothing happened between the two of you?” He asks, a confused expression on his face and she raises an eyebrow at him.

“M, where the hell is this coming from?”

“He talked to you through the whole trip."

“That’s not true."

“You’re telling me he didn’t give you a play-by-play of everything we did?”

“Not everything,” she deflects, pressing her lips together and he raises an eyebrow at her.

“He was on the phone with you every day."

“Not every day,” she deflects again, even though he did call her daily, and Michael rolls his eyes.

“Can you just tell me if something happened or not? He won’t tell me either.”

“Maybe, just maybe, it’s because there’s nothing to tell."

“I don’t believe you," he says and she sighs, staring at him.

“Well, we kissed. Once. Or twice. I don’t know, I lost track at this point,” she trails off as Michael's eyes grow wider.

“I knew it!” He exclaims and Emma can’t help but start laughing at his reaction, ”he kept telling me it was none of my business-"

“Well, he’s right,” she says but Michael ignores her.

“-But I knew something must’ve happened-"

“It was just some kissing, come on, it’s Calum,” she says but he continues to ignore her.

"-'Cause you don’t get that comfortable around anyone."

“Hey,” she protests, frowning at him.

“It’s the truth, I’m pretty sure the only reason you’re cool around me is 'cause we’ve known each other half our lives.” She opens her mouth to respond, but she can’t think of an answer, so she closes it again, making Michael smirk, “see, you know I’m right.”

“You’re not right,” she lies and he gives her a look of disbelief, “Okay, you’re right."

“Oh, so you do like him?” He asks with a grin and she groans.

“What’s with the interrogation?”

“I can’t even look at a girl without you going on about it for days, I’m just returning the favor,” he smirks at her and she frowns. 

“I’m not that intense."

“No, you're worse. Now talk, ‘cause you bottle things up until it drives you crazy and that’s not good." He motions for her to speak and she can't help but feel amused by his reaction.

“What do you want me to say?” 

"What's happening between the two of you?"

“I already told you, we kissed, that’s all,” she shrugs and he shoots her a disbelieving look.

“He called you every day and you’re telling me that’s all?”

“Yes."

“So you really don’t like him?” He looks confused, and Emma wonders if she’s missing something.

“No! Yes? Maybe. I don’t know, okay” she finally admits.

“Oh, so you’re in denial, that makes sense."

“Michael!”

“Oh no, you called me by my name,” he fake gasps clutching his chest.

“I hate you."

“No, you don’t,” he winks at her and she glares back at him.

“We kissed, we didn’t talk about if it means anything, and I don’t know how I feel about him, so, yeah, I don’t have anything to tell you, because I don’t know."

“You either feel something or you don’t, trouble.”

“It’s not that easy, M," she groans, running a hand through her hair.

“Why?”

“'Cause it’s Calum."

“Yeah, it’s Cal, so?”

“So, we talk every day and I’m almost as comfortable around him as I am around you but I’m pretty sure if you and I kissed, it would just be weird."

“Do you wanna try?” He smirks, leaning closer and she laughs, playfully pushing him away, shaking her head.

“You’re an idiot."

“I’m just trying to help you here,” he tells her, defensively raising his arm.

“I don’t think kissing you would help, but thank you, I’ll keep the option open for the next time I need a make-out session."

“Whenever you need it,” he winks at her and she can't help but giggle. "So Calum?” He asks and she looks up at the ceiling, feeling exasperated before sighing and looking back at Michael.

“I don’t think I’m falling for him or anything, I just like being around him, and as you pointed out, I don’t like being around anyone,” she shrugs, "so it's a nice change."

“Just don’t get hurt because you don't wanna figure it out."

“I won’t,” she promises, and at that moment it feels like something she can keep.

_____

"Hi," Calum seems to materialize in front of Emma, making her almost drop her phone.

"Jesus, you scared me," she tells him, pulling her headphones down to her neck.

"Sorry," he grins at her, "what's up?"

"I'm going to school?" She says, almost as a question, noticing how far from his school he is, "shouldn't you be doing the same?"

"School's boring."

"Right," she raises an eyebrow at him, "I gotta go, though, I'm already late." 

"Skip it with me," he asks suddenly and she just stares at him.

"What?"

"You're already late, just don't go," he shrugs and she opens her mouth to tell him no, but nothing comes out.

"I," she stops, considering if she should do it or not, trying to remember if there’s something important happening that day.

"Please?" He pleads, big brown eyes staring into hers, and she loses any resolve to say no looking at him.

"Okay, sure, why not?" She agrees, trying not to giggle at Calum’s growing grin, "So what are we going to do?"

"I didn't think that far," he says, scratching his neck and she chuckles.

"Of course you didn't," she checks the time, "we can go to my house, my parents already left."

"Cool," he throws an arm around her shoulders, turning them around and they start to make their way back.

***

“I never saw you play,” Calum says from her bed and she spins in her chair to look at him.

“Huh?”

“I never saw you play,” he repeats, sitting up and moving to the edge of the bed, closer to her.

“No one ever saw me play,” she shrugs. “I don’t play around people."

“I’m not people,” he pouts, sounding offended and making her chuckle.

“No, you’re not, come on,” she reaches for his hand, pulling him with her towards the keyboard, sitting down and patting the space beside her on the bench.

“Okay, rockstar, you don’t get to judge me even if you think I’m terrible,” she looks at him when he sits beside her.

“But,” he begins, and she groans.

“Cal, please, this is my safe space, I don’t let anyone anywhere near this,“ she motions around her.

“Okay, I’m just gonna watch,” he grins, raising his hand in defense, and she can’t help but smile too.

Emma lets her hands hover over the keys, deciding what to play, before breathing out and starting to play. 

“Taylor Swift? Really?” He scoffs, recognizing the song faster than she thought he could.

"Hey! No judgment, remember?” She tells him and begins to sing. She tries to ignore Calum, she knows that if she thinks too much about how close he is or how she can feel him staring she’ll lose what she’s doing and for some reason, she wants to impress him.

Drop everything now

Meet me in the pouring rain

Kiss me on the sidewalk

Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile

She finishes the song and looks back at Calum waiting for a reaction to find him watching her and she feels her cheeks heat up.

“So?” She asks when he doesn’t say anything.

“You’re good,” he finally says, making her frown.

“Good?” 

“With all the secrecy I thought I’d have to lie so I wouldn’t hurt your feelings,” he teases.

“Hey,” she pouts at him and he grins at her.

“I knew you could sing if you wanted to, I just thought, you know,” he trails off and she offers, "that I didn’t play around people cause it would be torture?” with a laugh.

“Well, if I put it like that it would’ve just been mean," he teases and she crinkles her nose at him, "but, you’re talented, why don’t you, you know, show people?”

“Well, rockstar, I just like music, I don’t want the spotlight,” she explains and his face softens looking at her.

“That actually makes sense,” he nods in agreement.

“Does it?”

“Yeah, you don’t like attention."

“Nope, in fact, you can have the spotlight and I'll be a producer."

"That's your plan? Producing?"

"Yep," she nods, grinning at him.

“Thanks for playing for me then."

“It’s just a song,” she shrugs, looking back at the keys and playing some random notes.

“You could teach me."

“The song?”

“No, the piano."

“I’m not a good teacher, Cal."

“Bullshit."

“How would you know?”

“I just do, show me the song you just played,” he asks, hitting random keys dramatically, making Emma laugh.

“I have no idea how,” she tells him.

“Nonsense, start with the chords,” he encourages her and she sighs, shaking her head at how excited he looks.

“Okay, the song’s just four chords and two progressions,” she begins and he nods.

“Sounds easy enough,” 

“The main progression is D major, B flat, F, and C,” she demonstrates each chord as she says them while Calum pays close attention to it.

“So D," he repeats back to her, looking down at the keys, playing the right ones, and glancing back at Emma for confirmation.

“Yes,” she nods and he smiles.

“B,” he adds, playing it almost right and looking up at her again.

“Almost, it’s the black key,” she adjusts his hand for the right shape and he tries again. “Yep."

“F,” he plays it and she nods, ”and C."

“Yes."0

Calum plays the full progression again and Emma can’t help but smile at the sparkle in his eyes.

“Now you just have to get the tempo right and you can get away with playing everything but the pre-chorus of the song,” she announces to him and he does it again, this time at the right time and she starts clapping.

“You know, when the band takes off, you should get a teacher, someone that will actually teach you something, not just Taylor Swift songs that are definitely not your thing.” 

“When,” he laughs, looking down at the keys and playing around with them, “you have way too much faith in us."

“I do have faith in you,” she turns to look at him, “I’m sure one day I’ll be able to say that I knew you before you were cool."

“You think so?” He turns to her too, eyes soft, and she can feel a smile forming on her lips. 

“I know so."

“As I said, too much faith,” he says, his gaze moving back to the keyboard and playing a few random notes.

“I don’t think it’s too much,” she shrugs, ”It’s just a feeling."

“I’m not going to agree, but just because I don’t feel like jinxing it,” he continues to mess around with the notes looking for the sound he wants and she frowns looking at his hands and back to his face.

“Wait, you know what you’re doing," she blinks at him and he chuckles, shrugging.

“Kinda."

“And you need me for what then?”

“I just mess around with the piano in our music room, I don’t know how to play yet," he says, defensively and she shrugs as he stops playing.

“Could’ve fooled me."

“Again, too much faith,” he looks at her, eyes intense, gaze moving from her eyes to her lips, "and I need you for way more than just music lessons."

"Smooth," she teases, giggling and he frowns at her.

"What?"

"The eyes, the I need you, if I didn't know better I'd think you were trying something," she says teasingly, raising an eyebrow, but he holds her gaze, a smug grin on his face.

"So what if I was?"

"You would have to be a little more direct," she teases, winking at him.

“Really?” He asks, his face slowly getting closer and his gaze going back and forth between her eyes and her lips.

“Yeah,” she breathes, trying to focus on anything other than how close he is, as he's still moving, stopping just short of her lips.

“So you don’t want me to kiss you?” He asks, lips grazing hers as he speaks and she feels like she can’t breathe, resisting the urge to just close the distance herself.

“I never said that,” she answers, staying still while his face seems out of focus, trying to avoid letting her gaze drift to his lips but she doesn’t have to try for very long.

“Good,” he says, hand moving to her cheek and kissing her. She sighs happily into his lips kissing him back.

"We need to get out of here," she pulls back after a while, "my mum sometimes comes back around lunchtime, and we can't be here if she does."

"Where should we go then?" He asks and she gives him a how should I know look.

"I picked here, you pick the next one."

"Fine, are you hungry?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

"That's a yes, we're gonna go get lunch then."

"Sounds like a plan."

***

“Why do you call him M?” Calum asks, stealing one of her fries when she mentions a text she just got from Michael and Emma chuckles.

“Oh," she scratches her neck, “well, everyone calls me Em, right?” He nods, encouraging her to continue, “but Michael doesn’t, he never calls me by my name, never did.” 

“Yeah, I noticed,” he chuckles.

“Well, kid me thought it would be an amazing idea to try and get people to call him M too, you know, Em, M,” she half shrugs, taking a sip from her milkshake, “It never caught on, but I got used to it, now it’s just weird calling him anything else.”

“And he calls you trouble because?”

“Because when we first met I got him in trouble. I had just moved here, like, it had been just a couple of weeks, and a kid that lived in our street was having a birthday party and his mum invited all the kids in the block and I don’t even remember what we did, but when the parents caught us, no one believed that it had been my idea.” She smiles at the memory, “I don’t think he liked me very much at the beginning, but our mums hit it off and since I was in the house next door and we were both the same age, they kept putting us together, one day he stopped ignoring me. The nickname stuck though, it annoyed me at first but at this point, I would get worried if he called me something else.”

"That's kinda sweet," he says and she can't help but laugh at him.

"Yeah."

"Tell me something you never told anyone else," he asks and she chuckles trying to think of something. 

"You're full of questions today."

"Yeah, now tell me something."

She finally thinks of something but the thought that comes to her mind makes her stop smiling and look anxiously at him while chewing on the inside of her cheeks.

"I think I like girls too," she watches his expression closely, terrified that the way he looks at her would change, but he just stares back at her.

"You think?"

"I don't know, okay," she sighs, "there was this girl at school last year, and I think I had a crush on her."

"Why do you think that?"

"I don't know, I would get so distracted looking at her, and being around her just made me so nervous, doing the whole giggling and embarrassing myself thing," she pauses, waiting for a reaction, but he just nods encouragingly, "I didn't really stop to think about what it meant, you know, it affecting me like that until one day I just hit me and I didn't really know what to do with it."

"What do you want to do about it?"

"About her? Nothing, it's just that ever since the day I realized it I keep catching myself looking at other girls a little too long, and it's hard to figure out if I'm not lying to myself because I know I like guys and it's all really confusing and I don't know if I'm ready to do something about it or even tell someone."

"Wait, you really never told this to anyone?" He asks, narrowing his eyes at her, confusion clear on his face, and she shakes her head.

"I don't think I ever said it out loud."

"You must really trust me," he says almost as if he was thinking out loud, and she starts laughing, the laugh seeming weird against the anxious feeling in her chest.

"Yeah, I do," she says, softly, as she realizes that she truly means it. 

"You know you don't have to do anything about it until you're ready, right?"

"What?"

"You can figure things out, there's no rush."

"Yeah, I know, but it feels good to tell someone."

"I'm here anytime you need me, love," Calum's face seems so sincere that she feels her heart swell with affection for the boy.

"I know."

"Okay, where do you wanna go next?"

______

"Hey," Emma greets happily, plopping down to sit next to Calum, who's sitting in the sand, "I see we're sharing this place now," she laughs, nudging the boy. They had been constantly running into each other there now, most of the time completely by accident.

"It's a cool place," Calum shrugs with a grin.

"I know, I found it," she says, mockingly, matching his grin.

"And now you're sharing it with someone you love, look at how beautiful," he matches her tone, making her roll her eyes.

"Idiot," she laughs, trying to sound annoyed but failing.

"What's up, love, what brings you here on this windy afternoon?" Calum asks, arms motioning around them in a dramatic form.

"I'm always here," she says, cocking her head.

"Fair," he agrees with a nod, and she raises an eyebrow at him.

"The real question is why are you here?"

"I was hoping I'd run into this girl," he starts, the smirk on his lips making her blush.

"Yeah?"

"I'll let you know if she shows up," he adds, and she shoves his shoulder.

"Asshole."

"What?" He asks, seemingly amused by her anger.

"Don't be bringing girls to my special spot," she argues, fighting the urge to pout as he keeps grinning at her.

"It's our special spot, love," he taunts, laughing and she narrows her eyes at him.

"I'm not afraid to fight you, Hood."

"You're so cute when you're angry at me," he jokes and she just glares at him, making him laugh harder, "I'm just messing with you, love, I was actually about to text you, see if you were coming here."

"Why?" She asks, suspicion in her tone.

"I got you a backstage pass for tomorrow," he brags, and her jaw drops. She had gotten very bad seats for the concert they would be opening for the following day because they said they couldn't get her a pass.

"You're kidding."

"I'm not," he says, chuckling at her disbelief.

"Don't play with my feelings," she begs, shaking her head.

"I'm not," he repeats, but she continues to disagree.

"No way."

"Yes way."

"Oh my god," she exclaims, grabbing his arm, and the amused expression comes back to his face.

"You're so easy to distract."

"What?"

"Ten seconds ago you wanted to punch me and now it looks like you're about to kiss me,” he says, his gaze dropping to her lips, before going back to her eyes.

"What? No, I, I wasn't," she tries to defend herself but he cuts her off.

"Relax, love, I know you can't resist me," he’s smirking and she just sits there, thinking of a comeback, blinking at him a few times and watching his face get smugger with every passing second.

"God, you're so full of yourself," she laughs, trying to find the will to look away.

"You love it.”

"Are you sure about that?"

"I am, you're walking around in my clothes, looking at me like this, there's no doubts, love," he tells her, his hand reaching for the sleeve of her -his- shirt and she glances down, pressing her lips together. She did mean to give it back to him, but she keeps forgetting it's with her.

"I was cold, it was in my backpack, I," she defends herself, looking back to his face to find the grin still in it.

"It's fine, love, I’ve accepted the fact I'll never get that shirt back," he chuckles and she frowns at him.

"I'll give it back to you, someday, not today though," she says, adjusting the shirt and closing her fists on the ends of the sleeves.

"See, easy to distract," he says, leaning back, but still not looking away and she laughs

"Oh, I'm just ignoring your comments.”

"So you're not thinking about how much you want to kiss me?" He pouts slightly before the smug look returns.

"No, I think that's you," she says, cocking her head and raising an eyebrow at him.

"Why would I be thinking about kissing myself?" He asks, jokingly, but something about the way he says it, makes her lose it and she starts laughing.

"Oh my God!" She says, covering her mouth, trying to control her laughter but failing.

“What?” He asks, laughing at her reaction, and just shakes her head.

“Nothing, I just,” she stops before finishing the sentence, the words that she was about to say getting caught in her throat while she thinks about them. Why was she about to say she loves him? Does she love him? Like love love him? She shakes her head to chase the idea away. She can’t be falling for him. It’s just Calum, there's nothing else there.

Right? 

“You just what?” He asks when she doesn’t finish and she ignores the path her thoughts were going.

“You’re just really something else, rockstar.”  

_____

Emma's not watching where she's going, she couldn't even if she tried, her vision is blurry and it is hard to breathe. She's not even sure where she is at the moment. She's just walking hoping once she's out the door she'll be able to think again. 

She feels the cool air and notices the change in the lighting but her lungs still burn, she can't catch her breath even though she's really trying now. It makes her panic more, and that doesn't help with the suffocating feeling in her chest.

Something touches her and she jerks away, back hitting a wall, all sounds muffled by the weird noise her breathing is making. 

"Love?" She's vaguely aware that the voice is talking to her, but she can't focus enough to figure out where it's coming from or who it belongs to. "Emma, look at me," the voice demands, sounding louder than before, closer maybe. She looks up, finding a blurry silhouette she recognizes. 

"Cal?" She chokes, trying again to focus on something other than the burning, but failing. 

"Emma, you need to breathe," he pleads, voice slightly panicking and she blinks, his face coming in and out of focus in front of her. 

"I," she chokes again, bringing her hands to her face and sliding down to the ground. "I. Can't." 

"Yes, you can, just follow me," he says, "in," he pauses and she tries to suck in a breath, "out" she lets the air out. "Again." she tries once more.

Emma doesn't know how long it takes until her breathing is steady again and she can finally focus on the boy kneeling in front of her. It seemed a lot but at the same time, not at all. The way Calum is holding his arms out for her, makes it seem like he was unsure if he could touch her, the worried expression on his face making her heart drop. 

"I'm sorry," she mumbles, pulling her knees to her chest, looking around herself. The boys were doing a gig and they were next to a side exit, hidden from the street by what seemed like a pile of boxes. 

"Don't apologize," he huffs, as if she shouldn't be sorry for that, as if assuring her it was okay for her to feel that way, "are you feeling better?" 

"I don't feel like something is squeezing my lungs so, I guess." 

"Do you want help getting up?" He asks, offering her a hand. "I didn't want to let you drop to the ground, but I was afraid trying to hold you up would make it worse." His face is intense and she nods, taking his hand and letting him pull both of them up. 

Emma looks down, steadying herself on her feet, before dropping into Calum, arms wrapping tightly around him. He holds her close, murmuring "you're okay" to her hair. 

“Did you find her?” A voice comes from the door and she pulls away from Calum to look at Michael.

“Me?” She asks him, pressing her lips together while Michael leaps towards her.

“What happened?” He holds her by her shoulders, studying her as if he's searching for signs she's hurt.

“I just got a little overwhelmed, I’m fine,” she grunts, not liking how worried he looks.

“Are you sure?” he asks again.

“Yes.” 

“I think “a little overwhelmed” is an understatement,” Calum says, and Emma glares at him. She really hates getting people worried.

“I was freaking out, Calum calmed me down, all it’s fine now.”

“Do you wanna leave?” Michael offers and she sighs.

“And miss your show? Not a fucking chance,” both boys look astonished and she laughs, “come on, last time I saw you play on an actual stage, there were like 10 people around me, I wanna see how you handle a crowd.”

“There were 11,” Michael tells her and she frowns.

“What?” 

“There were 11 people around you."

“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes, “can we go back inside now? Please?”

“Fine, but you’re staying backstage,” Calum tells her and she scoffs, turning to him.

“I can’t see how you handle a crowd if I’m not, you know, in the crowd,” 

“And I can’t do that if I have to search for you every five seconds to make sure you’re okay,” Calum argues, and Michael looks between the two of them, frowning, before shaking his head.

“I’ll wait for you guys inside,” Michael says, and Emma glances at him, but he has already turned around and she watches as he disappears through the door.

“You don’t have to make sure I’m okay,” she argues, looking back at Calum.

“Love, please,” he pleads.

“Calum, I’m fine,” she assures him.

“Do this for me? Please?” His voice is soft as he rubs his neck, clearly trying not to get exasperated. She begins to say something, but he interrupts her, “okay, you’re fine, I just need to be sure you'll stay that way. Please.”

"Fine," she grunts, rolling her eyes.

“Thank you," he kisses her cheek, taking her by surprise, "let’s go,” he takes her hand and guides them inside.

Calum continues to hold Emma's hand, dragging her around as they wait for their time to go on stage. She feels like she should be annoyed by the hovering, but the warmth from his hand has such comforting energy, she doesn't mind. 

When he finally lets go of her hand to take his bass and make sure it was ready to go, she can’t help but miss it. She follows the boys as they move to the stage, teasing Michael as he bounces full of energy from the excitement of playing.

"Wish me luck, love,” Calum moves closer to her, smiling as she waits by the edge of the stage, and gives her a quick peck on the lips, the movement seeming automatic, leaving Emma astonished as she watches him go into the stage, waiting in the dark for his cue.

“I’m not gonna kiss you, but you can wish me a good show too,” Michael winks at her, but she doesn’t have a response, standing slack-jawed, trying to remember how to breathe properly. “Shit, he broke you,” he teases and she sighs, focusing on him.

“Don’t you have a show to play?” She notes, tilting her head as the lights begin to flash on the stage and someone calls the time again. Michael frowns at her before running to his place. 

“This boy will be the death of me,” she mutters under her breath as the drums start.

_____

"You're warm," Emma says, reaching the back of her hand to Calum's forehead. Not that she needs to, the heat is radiating from him. She's sitting beside him, leaning against the headboard, Michael and Luke sitting by the foot of the bed, the three of them playing a game of FIFA, and Ashton sitting in the computer chair strumming on a guitar. 

"I'm fine," Calum answers, dogging her hand. His voice is much deeper than usual, and he looks sick, nose red, tired eyes, hair sticking out in every direction, and bundled up in a hoodie, the sleeves covering his hand as he holds the controller. 

"No, you're not, but okay." She's trying to stop herself from staring. She shouldn't find his current state cute. But she does. She wants him to lay in her lap so she can run her hands through his hair and help him feel better. She shakes her head, trying to physically chase the thought away, looking back at the screen when the game ends, and Calum drops his controller. 

"I'm out," he says, pulling a blanket and throwing it around his shoulders, "can't focus." He scoots closer to Emma while the boys restart the game. 

"I think you have a fever," she says, turning to look at him. 

"Yeah, maybe," he replies, head coming to lay on her shoulder. 

"Shouldn't we do something about it?" She asks, trying to keep the worry out of her voice. 

"It's fine, I just didn't sleep very well last night," he yawns, and she feels her heart drop. 

"Hey, move forward a little," she says, moving from his side making him pout, but he does what she asks, and she moves so he's now sitting between her legs. "Now, come here," she pulls at him, and he moves closer, so he's laying against her. 

"You're comfortable," he snuggles to her, yawning again, and she has to fight the urge to kiss the top of his head. 

"So I've been told," she chuckles, running her hands through his hair. 

She keeps up the motion, looking at the other boys and trying to ignore how warm she's starting to feel with the heat coming from Calum and the blanket around him. Ashton has picked up the controller abandoned by Calum and is trying to play while stealing glances at the boy. He notices Emma looking at him and raises an eyebrow as if asking if he was okay, and she shrugs in an "I don't know" motion, looking down at the boy on her chest. He seems fast asleep, breathing steady, eyes closed and she feels her heart picking up speed looking at him. And that's when it hits her. She does love him. She's in love with him. It isn't just an innocent crush. She’s been falling for him all this time, maybe longer than she realizes.

"He's asleep?" Michael asks her, breaking her away from her thoughts before they could shift to panic. 

"I think so," she nods, moving Calum's hair from his forehead.

"Should we leave?" Luke asks, pausing the game. 

"Well, I'm a little trapped here," she jokes, motioning to how the boy is using her as a pillow.

"I'm not sleeping, just keep playing," Calum grunts without opening his eyes. “I’m not letting you move, though. This is the most comfortable I’ve been all week,” he says, adjusting against her, his head laying on her chest and his arm going around her waist. 

“Okay,” she chuckles, resting her cheek on the top of his head, hands finding his hair again.

“Your heart’s beating really fast,” he whispers to her, shifting his head so he can hear it better.

“Is it?” She asks, and he nods against her, settling more heavily against her, “I wonder why," she shrugs, hoping she could control her heart.

_________

"M, are you out here?" Emma calls, walking around the house and moving to the back. The lights in the house are off but she can hear music playing, which means that Michael is probably home alone. Relief fills her because she really needs to talk to him without worrying if someone is listening. 

"M?" She calls again, getting closer to the room back there, the only source of light is one of its windows. 

"Hey," a voice comes from behind her and she jumps, looking around to find blue eyes looking at her in the dark. 

"Luke," she breathes, clutching her chest, trying to steady her heartbeat again, "you scared me."

"Sorry," he giggles and she notices the beer bottle in his hand. This is not a situation she wants to put herself in. If Calum is there too, she’ll have to deal with stuff she’s not ready to face.

"Love," she hears, on cue with her thoughts, as Calum and Michael come out to the backyard too, with bottles and grins matching Luke's. 

"I didn't know all of you were here," she says, now just wanting to get out of there as fast as she can. 

"So you weren't looking for me?" Calum pouts at her and she forces a laugh.

"I just wanted to talk to Michael, but it can wait, I'll leave you guys to whatever you are planning on doing," she starts walking backward to where she came from, Michael frowning at her, the "are you okay?" question all over his face, making her not notice Calum getting closer to her. 

She mouths an "it's fine," but he's still frowning at her when Calum throws his arm around her shoulders. 

"You don't have to leave, you can take a beer and talk to all of us," Calum tells her, pulling her closer and resting his chin on her head and she awkwardly wraps her arm around his waist. 

"I can't stay, I," she mumbles, trying to come up with an excuse, "I told my mum I wouldn't be here long, it's late."

"Yeah, 'cause you never came here at night and ended up sleeping over," Michael says, raising an eyebrow at her and she glares at him. 

"No, I can't stay," she detaches herself from Calum and looks at Michael. 

"Can we talk tomorrow?" After they leave, she adds in her head and he nods. 

"You don't have to ask, trouble."

"Okay, thanks, I'll see you all later," she kisses Calum's cheek to try and get him to stop looking at her like she just kicked a puppy, and waves at the other boys that start moving back into the room at the same time as she starts to leave. 

"Love, wait," Calum calls her when she reaches the side of the house, and she stops walking, looking at the wall that separates her from her bedroom while he catches up with her. "What's wrong?" He asks, stopping in front of her, a few feet away. She notices he ditched the bottle. 

"Nothing is wrong," she replies, defensively, leaning back into the wall behind her, "why would you ask?" 

"You're running away," he takes a step closer.

"No, I'm not," she denies and he frowns at her.

“You’re avoiding me,” he states, sounding hurt and she sighs.

So he did catch up on that, she thinks to herself, trying to come up with an excuse. But she's not ready to be forced to deal with her feelings, especially not while Calum's looking at her, with a sad look on his face, trying to figure out what he did wrong. 

“I’m not avoiding you,“ she finally tells him. It’s the truth, she’s not avoiding him, she’s avoiding the feelings that come with being around him.

"Don't lie, I know you," he tells her and her heart stops for a second. Could he know?

"I just wanted to talk, but it's not important," it's not a lie, not technically. Her feelings would still be just as messed up in the morning. 

"Are you sure? You can talk to me," he offers, taking another step closer to her, leaving not much space between them. The idea seems ridiculous to her, trying to work through her feelings for Calum while explaining them to him of all people.

"Yes," she mumbles, trying to keep herself calm, “no, I’m sure, it’s no big deal.”  

"Then don't run," he pleads, "stay," and she starts losing the battle she's fighting so she won't do something stupid, her gaze flickering between his eyes and his lips. 

"I really can't," she mumbles, knowing that she wouldn’t take much more convincing and should just get out now if she really wants to.

"Please?" He stretches an arm to the wall behind her, pretty much trapping her in her place. He's so close now that it takes all her self-control so she won't just pull him towards her and kiss him. 

Calum seems to be fighting a similar battle, as he can't keep his eyes on hers, and a smirk forms on his lips as she doesn’t move to leave. 

They stay there, looking at each other, all of Emma's instincts telling her to just kiss him already, eyes dropping to his lips, when Calum decides for them, whispering "fuck it," before crashing his lips into hers. 

His lips taste like beer, but she can't bring herself to care as she kisses him back, her hands tangling up in his hair. The logical side of her brain is screaming at her, telling her that she can't keep kissing him without telling him how she feels. That this means something different for her than it does to him. That she needs to stop and go home. Now. But Emma doesn't care about the smart thing to do. Not when Calum is kissing her like that. She doesn't care about how the wall is hurting her back as he presses closer to her or how she's sliding down it slowly as the intensity of it all makes her unsteady on her feet. She just kisses him with just as much enthusiasm as he's kissing her.

"Can the two of you stop making out for a second?" Michael's voice startles them and Calum pulls away giving her room to move as she feels her cheeks heating up walking closer to Michael.

“What’s up?” She’s rubbing the back of her neck, unable to look him in the eyes

"Does this," Michael gestures between Emma and Calum, "means you're staying?" He asks and both boys are looking at her, waiting for an answer. 

"I guess?" She sounds unsure, but she doesn't want to leave now. She can deal with the consequences in the morning. 

"Great, carry on," Michael says and leaves, making Emma frown at his shadow as it disappears on the path to the backyard. 

"Come here," Calum calls, leaning against the wall where she was and taking her hand and pulling her towards him. She settles between his legs, her hands on his shoulders as his arms wrap around her waist. This way they are about the same height, making it harder for Emma to look away from his face.

"Thank you," he says and she gives him a puzzled look, "for staying, I've missed you." He brushes a strand of her hair from her face, and she places her hand on top of his leaning into it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean,” she sighs, “I didn’t mean to avoid you."

“So you were avoiding me,” he states, but there’s no judgment on his voice.

“Not you, never you."

“Then-” he starts to ask, but she kisses him before he can finish, “Love,” he pulls back after a beat and tries again.

“I don’t wanna tell you right now,” she whimpers, looking down and he cups her cheeks forcing her to look at him.

“Will you want to tell me at some point?” His voice is soft and his eyes intense and she can’t look away.

“Yeah, just not right now."

“Okay,” he says, dropping his hands back to her hips. “You can, you know” he trails off.

“Talk to you?" She asks and he nods. "I know,” she chuckles.

“Glad that’s settled,” he smirks, somehow pulling her closer and kissing her again.

***

Emma wakes up to the sound of the door closing and sits up startled before remembering where she is. She looks around to find Calum by her side, still asleep and Luke on the couch across from her, meaning Michael is the one that had just left. She carefully gets up off the couch she's in and follows him. 

"Couldn't sleep?" She asks when she finds him sitting by the backdoor to the main house. Michael looks up at her and shakes his head. 

"Wanna talk about it?" She asks and he shakes his head again. "Wanna play something?"

"It's the middle of the night," he tells her and she shrugs. 

"When did that ever stop you?" 

"I just wanted some air," he says. 

"Oh," she pauses, "I'll leave you alone then," she begins to turn around. 

"Just sit down, trouble," he demands and she chuckles. 

"So you don't wanna be alone, got it," she says, sitting down beside him.

"Not really, but everyone was asleep."

"I mean," she yawns, "it is late."

"Yeah, I guess," he looks at her, shaking his head as if suddenly remembering something, "what did you want to talk about earlier?" 

"Oh,” she pauses, searching for words, “remember how we talked about how I don't like Calum?" 

"Yes," he says, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Well, I'm not sure anymore." 

"You're not sure? What do you mean?"

“I think I'm in love with him,” she admits, biting the inside of her cheek.

“No shit,” he says with a scoff, “I was waiting to see which one of you would figure it out first."

“First? He doesn’t like me like that.”

“Babe, for someone as smart as you, you can be so fucking clueless."

“M, it’s not-”

“Okay, I’d usually let you figure shit out for yourself, but this thing between the two of you is getting ridiculous," he says, turning to her and sitting up straighter.

“Hey,” she starts to protest but he gives her a warning look that makes her stop.

“When was the last time the two of you were alone that didn’t end in a makeout session?” Emma opens her mouth to respond but closes it again because she can’t remember. “When was the last time you even considered kissing, dating, or whatever the fuck you're doing, someone else?” 

“I don’t know,” she admits, ”but-"

“No buts, you need to fucking tell him.”

“But-”

“Emma,” she is taken aback by him using her name, “you need to tell him things have changed, you can’t just deny your feelings and act like the two of you aren't in some sort of relationship."

“M, I don’t know how,” she says, and he looks at her with disbelief, “I, I was trying to bring myself to tell him today, but I just couldn’t."

“Bullshit."

“The second I tell him, it’s real, and that means I can lose him, that if he doesn’t freak out on me 'cause he doesn’t feel the same and things just go to shit anyway.” 

“If he doesn’t feel anything, this needs to stop, because you do,” she opens her mouth to argue but he cuts her, “you don’t want things to change, but they already have, you love him, so you can’t just go on when it means something else to you."

“I know," she breathes, looking down.

“Then just talk to him, please."

“I will, I just need to figure out how to bring it up."

“Trouble," he frowns at her, like he knows she's going to avoid it forever if she can.

“I’m not gonna hide for much longer okay? But I can’t just drop it on him, he’ll freak out, I know that and you know that too."

“He won’t," he says, but he sounds unconvinced.

“He will, he needs to go into this conversation knowing what’s,” she pauses, “I mean, he can’t think it’s coming out of nowhere."

"There's no such thing as the right moment, you just gotta get it over with."

"I can't lose him, M," she whimpers and he frowns at her.

"So you'd rather be miserable instead?"

"I'm not miserable."

"No, you're just avoiding everything so you won't have to deal with it and driving yourself crazy in the meantime," he says with such certainty, she just stares blankly at him. She knows he's right, but the thought is still terrifying, "please just talk to him."

______________

“Need a ride?” Ashton startles her for a second as the car stops beside her, but she smiles, pausing her music and leaning forward a little to look inside.

“Yeah, thanks, Ash."

“Come on,” he nods his head, motioning to the empty passenger seat beside him and she walks around the car and gets in.

“Woah, I never ride shotgun, this is weird,” she says, buckling the seatbelt. The comment makes him chuckle and shake his head, “No rehearsal today?” She asks, looking at the empty backseat as he starts moving.

“Luke can’t make it the usual time, so not yet."

“So you’re gonna go to M’s?” As she says the words her phone rings, Calum's ringtone makes her heart skip a beat.

“Yeah."

“That’s Cal telling me that, weird timing,” she scratches her head, and Ashton glances at her, a grin forming on his lips.

“What’s the deal with the two of you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You’re not dating."

“Nope."

“But you like him?” She starts to deny it, but he glances at her, raising an eyebrow before looking back at the road.

“Is it that obvious?" She sighs and he nods.

"I can't say it isn't."

"Yeah, I do."

“And he likes you?”

“I don’t know."

“You don’t?”

“We never talked about it."

“But it’s kinda obvious."

“M seems to think so too, I’m not that convinced though."

“Why not?”

“I feel like he would’ve said something," she shrugs but Ashton chuckles.

“Well, you didn’t," he points out and she can't think of what to answer.

“Touchè,” she sighs, looking forward.

“So?” Ashton asks after a beat and she frowns at him.

“What?”

“Are you gonna say something?”

“I'm working on it," he gives a disbelief look at a stop sign and she shrugs, "if he rejects me, it will be really awkward."

"But then you'd know, and you can go from there. Not knowing makes things worse."

"Well, I really liked it when I didn't know how I was feeling, so not always," she jokes, forcing a laugh but he shakes his head.

"Nah, the truth is better than the denial, it's better when you have no questions." 

“I’m just terrified that feelings are going to ruin what we have," she admits and he seems to ponder her words for a second.

“If it does, then it was never that good to start with.” He finally says, glancing at her and she processes his words, trying to think of something to say.

“Damn, you make it really hard to stay in denial.”

“Denying things just makes it more painful in the long run, sure it’s easier right now, but at what cost?”

“I just really don’t want to lose him, you know? I have a feeling that if I tell him I’ll just scare him away.”

“Then he’s an idiot.”

“He’s your best friend!” She protests with a chuckle and he grins at her with a shrug.

“That means I can say that.”

____________

Emma is sitting in the sand, pen in her hand staring at the open notebook in her lap, and still, she doesn’t know what she should write. Part of her hoped that she could write something, make the turmoil in her head calm down long enough for her thoughts to make sense. But looking at the page, the only words she could write were ‘’I love him, now what?" over and over. She’s trying hard not to fall down a spiral. She's torn between ‘’this wasn’t supposed to happen’’ and ‘’how could it have a different outcome’’. To think that she wouldn’t catch feelings was stupid, how could she not? And now she doesn’t know what to do. Should she tell him? Should she just bury the feeling and hope they would go away? Stay clear from him for a while and hope for the best? She doesn’t know. And she’s not finding any clarity about it. Biting the cap of her pen, she can’t figure it out.

“Hey," a voice says beside her, startling her and making her fumble with the notebook, shoving it in her backpack.

“Do you wanna give me a heart attack?” She says, turning her head to the boy that’s now sitting by her side.

“What are you hiding, love?” Calum asks her, trying to get the notebook from the still open bag.

“Nothing,” she squeaks before closing the bag, taking a breath, and putting it out of his reach. “Homework.”

“Sure,” his voice is heavy with sarcasm. “One day, you’ll have to let me read what you keep writing in that thing," he grins at her, making her heart skip a beat. 

“No, I don’t,” she says in a squeak, shaking her head, trying to keep calm. 

“Come on, I thought we were friends,” he pleads, brown eyes making her want to melt. She feels like being around him it’s so much harder now. How did she ever say no to him? How did she ever focus on anything else when he was right there?

“We are,” she says, turning her body to him.

“Then let me see it,” he turns to her too, trying to reach the backpack. 

“No," she shakes her head, putting the bag behind her.

“Please, love,” he leans forward to try and get it from behind her, but she shoves his hand away, even if the pet name makes her heart flutter and her mind wonder if maybe showing him whatever she writes wouldn’t be the way she’s looking for to start the conversations she’s dreading.

“Nope,” she shakes her head, his face now only a few inches away and her heart is beating like it's trying to break out of her chest, her eyes being drawn to his lips as she tries to keep looking at his eyes. “It's nothing.”

“Then why can’t I see it?” He’s getting closer, a smirk on his lips, hands coming to lay on her knees.

“Because-” she’s fighting the urge to kiss him while trying to think of an excuse when he kisses her.

Her heartbeat is ringing in her ears while her hands move to his face, her finger lightly grazing his hair, and she kisses him back. His hands move to her waist, her back, and then he’s pulling away, leaving her chasing his lips before realizing he now has her bag in his hands.

“That,” she blinks, taking a deep breath and shaking her head, trying to clear her mind. “That was not fair.” She tries to take it back from him, but he stands up and holds it out of her reach. "This is so not fair," she cries, getting up too. 

"I'm curious," he says, lowering his hand, and she tries to grab it again, making him hold it above his head. 

"That doesn't make it fair, Calum," she complains, stepping closer to him, going on her tiptoes to try and lower his arm, but that just makes him hold it higher. "Cal, please," she pleads, pouting and looking at him through her lashes. 

"You're cute, but no," he laughs, and she sighs, rolling her eyes and looking away, realizing two could play his game before turning back to him, grabbing his face with both hands, and pulling him down to kiss her again. His arm stays risen, but he kisses her back, pulling her by her waist with his free hand. She moves her hands from his cheek to his hair, deepening the kiss, one hand tugging at his scalp, the other slowly moving down the nape of his neck, lightly tracing his skin, making him shiver under her touch. He reacts by kissing her harder, and she has to fight back a smirk when his other arm finds her waist and pulls her even closer, and she hears the thud of the backpack falling on the sand. She tells herself she got what she wanted and should pull away, but she can't make herself do it. She wants to keep kissing him. And that thought makes her pull back, a little out of breath. 

Calum looks down at her, breathing heavily, swollen lips, arms around her waist, and she squirms out of his hold, getting her backpack, grinning at him with a smug look on her face, and running away. 

"Hey, who's being unfair now?" He protests before chasing her. 

She manages to escape him a few times. Still, he grabs her from behind, lifting her off the ground, making her laugh, kicking her feet up before he puts her down and turns her in his hold. 

"Okay, you win, I won't try to steal it again," he says, smiling at her. She's still laughing while she hangs the bag on her shoulders and he moves her hair away from her face, one hand staying on her cheek the other moving to her waist. 

"I don't really believe it, but thanks," she giggles, looking up at him.

"Yeah, yeah," he nods, as if not registering what she’s saying, before tilting her face and kissing her again. She holds on to the front of his shirt while his hands tangle with her hair. She can't fight the butterflies in her stomach, the way her heart is beating, how she just wants him to keep kissing her. For as long as she can. A part of her is screaming at her, telling her that this is not helping, that this means something completely different to him. But why would he kiss her like that if he didn’t feel anything? And she also doesn’t want to get caught up in what it means. She just wants to keep kissing him. Is that wrong? It couldn’t be. It feels right. He feels right. 

So she keeps kissing him. She lets herself enjoy every detail of it. The taste of his lips. The feeling of his hands in her hair. The steady beat of his heart under her hand, still holding his shirt. The content feeling in her chest. 

The sun starts to go down, and she begrudgingly tells him she needs to go, making him pout at her before offering her a small smile while nodding and taking her hand, leading them away from the beach. 

They reach the corner where they're supposed to go in different ways, and she lets go of his hand standing on her tiptoes, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

"See ya, Cal," she says, taking a step backward and smiling at him. 

"Hey, come back," he says, taking her hand and pulling her back to him, kissing her again, too fast for her liking but making her giggle anyway. "Bye, love," he lets her go but doesn't move. 

She looks up at him, before shaking her head and turning around.

"Bye, Cal," she says, and starts walking away when she decides something, and turning on her heels, taking her backpack off her shoulders. 

"Calum," she calls for him, and he turns, walking back to her. 

"What?" He asks with a confused look on his face. 

"Here," she says, handing him the notebook. 

"I was just messing with you, love, you don't need to show me if you don't want to," he says, accepting it but looking at her waiting for her to take it back. She doesn't. 

"It's okay, just," she pauses, tucking her hair behind her ear and hanging the backpack on her back again,  "just, don't judge me because of it." 

"Never," he replies, and she gives him a small smile. 

“You can’t be sure until you read it,” she jokes and he frowns at her but doesn’t say anything, "okay, see you soon, I guess," she says, walking away backward, hands holding the straps of her bag, still looking at him. 

"Yeah," he replies, looking at the notebook in his hands and back to the girl slowly creating distance between them. "Emma," he calls her name, and she stops. 

"Yeah?" She takes a step forward, and he does the same, pulling her to him, wrapping his arms around her shoulders while she melts into his chest, arms around his center. The boy presses a kiss to the top of her head before letting go of her again. 

"Are you really gonna let me go this time, or you gonna call me back after two steps?" She smiles, looking up to meet his eyes. 

"You called me first," he replies, sounding a little offended but smiling at her. 

"Okay, so I'm gonna go now," she points behind her but doesn't move. 

He frowns, thinking for a moment, "wait."

"I'm not moving," she states, pressing her lips together so she won't start laughing. 

“Just,” he exhales, pulling her by her waist with his free hand, making her gasp, and crashes his lips to hers. She kisses him back, her heartbeat going crazy, her hands on his cheeks, and he pulls back. “Okay, now you can go,” he adds, and she giggles, trying to steady her breathing.

“Goodnight, rockstar,” she points behind her again, but this time taking a step back.

“Night, love.” She’s smiling and for a moment she's not scared anymore. 

"Calum," she starts and he chuckles.

"Yeah?" And maybe it was the soft look in his eyes or the warm feeling in her chest but she suddenly can't stop herself.

"I think I'm in love with you," she blurts out before covering her mouth as Calum's eyes widen at her.

"We're moving to London," he replies in a careful tone that makes her head start to spin.

"What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I," he breathes and presses his lips together, "we were having a good time, I didn't want to ruin it."

"Ruin it? Why would it ruin anything?"

"Because I'm leaving, love, who knows when it will be just the two of us again." Something about the way he says it makes her understand him. He was saying goodbye. And that breaks her heart.

"Yeah," she mumbles, "I need to go."

"Love," he pleads and she shakes her head.

"I need to go 'cause I wanna be happy for you and I can't right now and that's really unfair to you."

"Love, I," he starts, but she cuts him.

"I'll see you later," she walks away fighting the urge to look back at him as she can still feel Calum's eyes on her.

****

Emma is having a hard time processing what Michael is telling her. He called her over the second she turned the lights in her room on, and she made her way out of the house to find him waiting for her on the sidewalk. Her mind's still hazy with thoughts about Calum, and she's not retaining anything he's saying.

"What?" She asks again, focusing on the boy in front of her, who looked like he could be bouncing up and down. 

"We are moving to London," he repeats, and the words sink in, making her blink a couple of times. 

"I," she shutters, "I know, Calum just told me, it's awesome, M," she smiles at his excitement, but the action feels weird like her mouth didn't want to comply.

"He did? He promised he'd let me tell you."

"He didn't really have a choice," she defends him and Michael narrows his eyes at her.

"What? Why?"

"I told him."

"You told him? You told-" he stops when he understands what she means, "no way."

"His reaction was to say he's leaving, so I'm pretty sure I just ruined everything."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It does if he doesn't feel the same way like I told you he didn't," she shrugs, trying not to lose it but he frowns at her.

"Trouble, come on, there's no way."

"Well, it's the only explanation I can think of."

"But-"

"M, I don't wanna talk about it. Please don't make me talk about it," she doesn't think she can handle the emotions threatening to break through, so she chooses to focus on the happiness the boy in front of her is feeling, "London, babe, it's happening."

"I still can't believe it," he says, letting her change the subject and he starts telling her about the meeting and she's grateful that he understands that she needs the distraction from the pain that's threatening to overcome her.

_______

Emma and Calum are alone Michael's backyard, and she's been panicking about this the whole week leading up to this last day together. Calum's been avoiding her and she can't say she blames him but she feels like she's going crazy waiting for him to do something.

"We need to talk," she blurts out after a long time staring at Calum, who's sitting in front of her, moving to sit on her heels so she could be at the same eye level as him. 

"About what? Your endless love for me?" he smirks trying to be playful, but it feels weird and it makes her heart stop in its tracks, thinking that he didn't forget, he just didn't want to be the one to bring it up. 

"Yes?" She's biting her lip and trying to read his expression as his smirk disappears and he stares at her dead in the eye. 

"What?"

"Come on, I say I love you and you don't do anything, I was starting to think I imagined the situation," she complains but he continues to stare at her, the look in his eyes making her feel uneasy.

"Do you really feel the things you wrote?" He asks and she nods.

"Yeah," she says, feeling defeated watching his reaction.

"Emma," the use of her name stings, and her lip trembles as she waits for him to say something.

"What? What do you have to say? Do you just don't feel the same way? I need more than 'I'm leaving' as an answer."

"I can't do this," he gets up and enters the house, leaving her alone as her heart shatters in her chest.

She doesn't even have to get up to find out that he left, Ashton probably following him and Michael coming shortly after to find Emma with her head in her hands. 

"Trouble, what happened?" His voice is careful, making her look at him, and he sees she's laughing uncontrollably. 

"He left," she runs her hands through her hair, still laughing as she looks at Michael, who's now coming to sit beside her where Calum had been. 

"I mean, I know my timing sucks," she chokes on her laugh as it hits her, "but he didn't have to run away. He ran away, M." She feels the knots in her throat and takes a deep breath, trying not to cry as Michael pulls her to his chest. He's trying to soothe her as she holds to the front of his shirt as her life depends on it. She feels like she's on the verge of tears now. Looking up she sees the uncertainty in Michael's eyes and she starts questioning everything. "You don't think I should've said anything."

"We're leaving, trouble," he tells her apologetically, and she grunts.

"I didn't know that!"

"You knew we were talking to them, you knew we went to London."

"Yeah, I knew they were talking to you, not that they were going to move you across the world before you were even done with high school," she protests and he flinches slightly, making her sigh. She's not trying to hurt him.

"Okay, but you really think something could happen now that you do?" He asks, and she rolls her eyes.

"I'm tired of you all saying that you're leaving, I know that I'm not stupid, but you need to stop acting as if I'll never see you again."

"It's not that, trouble."

"I'm not asking for a relationship, I just wanted him to know, I just wanted him to know and he didn't even react, Michael, what the hell does that even mean?"

"You know-"

"How he is?" She finishes and he nods, "yeah," she mumbles, "I gotta go."

"You're still coming to the airport, right?" He says with an urgent tone, as he follows her. 

"Yeah," she mumbles, her voice not giving him any confidence as she gives him a quick hug and leaves. 

She’s already in her room when she remembers Calum still has her notebook and that she was supposed to give him his shirt back.

______

Getting up from her bed is harder than she ever thought it could be. Emma doesn't know if she did fall asleep at some point. She definitely feels like she's been staring at the ceiling all night. She's not even tired. She just doesn't want to move. Every muscle of her body is telling her that she should just lay there forever. But she can’t. Her phone hasn't stopped buzzing for at least ten minutes. She doesn't have to check to know it's Michael. She can picture him in the window, waiting for a sign of life to come from her room, so she kicks the covers and gets up feeling like standing on her feet it’s the hardest thing she did. It sure as hell feels like it.

The curtains are staring back at her while she puts her hair up in a ponytail and hopes she doesn't look like she's feeling. She picks her phone up from the desk and opens the window. Like she suspected Michael's standing by the window, back to her, phone to his ear.  

"Hi," she answers the call, and he turns, looking relieved to see her.

“Trouble,” he breathes, and she waves to him, faking a smile she knows wasn’t going to convince him.

“M."

“You good?” He asks, and she nods, waiting for him to say something more. “You sure?”

“No, but what’s up?” 

“I just wanted to make sure I’d be able to say goodbye, we’re leaving soon,” he replies, looking tense studying her face as he leans into the window frame.

“Oh,” the fact they were leaving that day had slipped from her mind in the haze, “how soon?” 

“The flight is in a couple of hours, they're picking me up in a few,” he looks unsure of what to say next, and it’s breaking her heart so she takes a breath and buries her feelings as deep as she can.

“I’m still going if that’s okay, just give me five minutes to get dressed and I’ll be right over,” she tells him, moving back away from the window. “See you in a bit, M.” She hangs up and turns around, opening her wardrobe, staring into it for a while before picking a pair of jeans and a jumper she stole from Michael.

She gets dressed chanting to herself, “you’re fine, put yourself together, today is not about you” and tells her mum where she’s going before moving to the house next door, where Michael is waiting for her, sitting outside.

“Big day, huh?” She says to him, trying to smile. 

“Trouble,” he tilts his head, looking at her with scrunched-up eyes, and she can help but sigh.

“M, I’m good, let’s talk about how by the end of the day you will be in London, living the dream.” She sits beside him. “This is huge,” she states, nudging him and offering a smile. A real one this time.

“I still can’t believe it’s really happening,“ he tells her, and Emma chuckles.

“Well, believe it. Because it is," she says, nudging him, "all packed and ready to go?" She asks, and the boy nods. 

"I'm sure I'll forget something, but I do have all I could think of." 

Before she could reply, a car honks and stops by the house, suddenly she's helping load Michael's things and sitting in the back between him and Ashton. The ride makes her feel weird, she's extremely conscious of Calum sitting in the front, but the happiness coming from the boys is contagious. She can't help but get excited for them. 

Stopping in the airport makes everything real, and she's holding back tears while she pushes one of the bags listening to their voices but not really registering anything they’re saying. 

Liz is checking in all the luggage when Ashton throws his arm around Emma's shoulder. 

"You feeling okay, Em?" He asks low enough only she will hear. 

"Not really," she whispers back, "I'm really gonna miss you guys," she says as her eyes start filling with tears, and he squeezes her shoulders while she blinks, trying not to cry. 

"I'm gonna miss you too," he replies, and a stubborn tear rolls down her cheek. Soon tears are streaming down her face, and he pulls her to his chest, stroking her hair.

"I told you she would cry like a little girl," Michael teases from behind her, and she lets out a tearful chuckle turning to him. 

"I am a little girl, I'm allowed to cry like one," she jokes, wiping the tears from her face. "Okay, I'll stop," she says, and the tears stop for a while before starting back again, making Michael step forward and pull her to him, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, and she wraps hers around his middle.

"You can cry," he says, resting his chin on the top of her head. 

"Nope, I'm not crying," she says, breathing him in and letting it calm her down. "See, I'm good," she looks up, and the tears stop coming. 

"If you say so," he replies, caressing her hair. 

Liz comes back, and they move to the gates. She looks around at the boys, and she doesn't know what to do. 

She hugs Luke first, then Ashton, who lifts her from the ground and makes her chuckle. Michael pulls her towards him the second she lets go of Ashton, and she presses a kiss on his cheek when he finally lets go.

"I'm gonna miss you guys," she tells all of them, looking at Calum that shoves his hands in his pockets and avoids her gaze, so she steps back, smiling and waving while they go through security. Only then she starts crying again.

She stands there, tears streaming down her face watching them move past security. She waits until the plane takes off. They said they’ll call once they're settled. It's the next day when Michael Skypes her, Ashton, and Luke appearing shortly to complain about how cold it is. But Calum doesn't. He doesn't talk to her that day or the next. After a week, she stopped expecting it. But she keeps hoping he will.

_______

The song she plays with Calum is sparks fly by Taylor Swift.

taglist: @lxnelyhearrt

if you wanna be tagged please hit me up!

#5sos fic #calum hood fic #i dont know how to tag fics #so yeah #mywriting #catch22 #calum hood fanfic #calum hood x oc #5 seconds of summer fanfic

[misqnon]

hi, i just read all of ur posts tagged as misqnon's one piece liveblogging and it was so much fun T-T. im here to rant about one piece and im sorry.

i really love seeing people react to content i am caught up with and hold close to my heart.

i got into the 800s in the anime and stopped watching, took a break and then read the manga up to around 1060. but last month i decided to read the whole thing from the beginning and it is genuinely SO WORTH IT.

after u have caught up completely its super rewarding to go back and look at previous chapters bc its constant "oh my god look what was foreshadowed here??" and "now i understand the context behind this!!!" and "this interaction is so much more meaningful now that i know their relationship!!". yes it did take me a whole month of nearly nonstop reading to catch back up but i have 0 regrets.

wano and the arc after it are both super fun and interesting and i think ur gonna love it. the lore is crazy. i hope u dont see any spoilers bc going into it completely blind will probably be way more exciting, especially with the most recent arc since its kinda suspenseful and mysterious,,.

anyways thats all i have to say how do you end these things.. take care!!

AAAAA ANON THIS IS SUCH A FUN MESSAGE TO RECIEVE THANK YOU...

I ended up talking a lot so I'll put this under a cut lol

I used to be the person who said I would never watch one piece 😭😭 I've been into anime since I was like 12 and I'm almost 24 now (fuck . That's like half my life) and obviously it's always been on my radar but I always thought it was 1. Too popular 2. Too Long 3. Hated how oda draws women lmao so I was fine ignoring it and only knowing the basics from just Being On The Internet

I think sometime early on I caved and attempted to watch it- I got to alabasta and stopped bc the anime pacing wasn't doing it for me (though I liked it up until then, but didn't LOVE it)

cut to high-school where a couple of my good friends liked it but we never really talked about it, it was a lifelong interest for one of them bc he'd started reading it on like 4th grade

Well I'm still friends with them (shoutout to sam and seb) and they convinced me to watch one piece film red with them in like July or August of last year bc they were showing me the songs and I, ado fan bc I'm a retired weaboo and a vocaloid Stan, was like "haha that sounds like ado" and they went "IT IS!!!!??" so I had to watch it for her.

again, I was like oh this is fun I like this :^) but no IMMEDIATE interest, more of a passive thing... until the live action came out a month or so later and I watched it just because and DAMN I FELL IN LOVE FAST

I went back to the anime and rewatched the beginning, then skipped back to alabasta where I had left off years and years ago and now I'm Here 🧍

I watched up through part of dressrosa before I started reading the manga, and now I'm doing that while watching certain episodes of just the parts I really wanna see animated

It's been. So Fun

I am now that person who's like Hey You Should Watch One Piece. I get it now. I so get it lmao. And you know the weirdest part is that with it being divided up into arcs like it is I find myself thinking it really doesn't feel that long!?!? Am I insane,

anyways. It's been a while since I was in an active fandom or even in a fandom at all - ESPECIALLY such a big one!?! (I was in college for 4 years and Busy).

but it's. Crazy. I'm writing fanfics and joining discord servers and I've never done that before. it's been very fun and rewarding tbh...I don't like a lot of things about oda and aspects he included and ofc one piece isn't perfect or unproblematic but it IS a really awesome epic of a story about friendship and found family and anti authority and its just.

I'm also a person who's always loved reaction videos or just even seeing otherppl react to things I like so I RELATE AND IM SO GLAD I CAN BE THAT FOR U...

I'm ngl as I've been reading I've been wanting to look up some old one piece forums dated the time certain reveals happened bc I want to see how people felt as this shit came out holy Shit....

it's additionally funny bc this blog is about 10 years old and has amassed a decent amount of followers over the years who were just into some of the other random stuff I've been into but I know a fair amount of them were thinking we were on the same page of not being into one piece and now here I am. Ruining that. And with the pervert character as my favorite no less. lmao SORRYYYY YALL <3

I'll leave u with this message I sent into the discord I share with some friends the other day, none of which really watch op, when asked to explain something about the show. In fact, I think the reasoning for this message was BECAUSE I was explaining to a friend just how much oda foreshadows things!! jinbei, kaido, haki, sanjis backstory, ALL being mentioned by name or referenced DECADES/YEARS BEFORE APPEARING ON SCREEN...HUNDREDS OF CHAPTERS APART....I could rant on more but I'll stop for now.

thank u for the message and feel free to dm me to talk about this silly show anytime bc its sunken its claws into me 😭

#ive been saying since like thriller bark how excited i am to get caught up andYea. its even stronger now #misqnon's one piece liveblog #im going to be going insane as we enter wci and posting more reactions most likely so. #hope u emjoy that 👍 #microphone effect #replies #asks #march anon

[diorbabe66]

Not just writing prompts anon.

I looked into the situation with rosemary subliminals, which you confirmed in a reblog who the rant was directed at, and I have a few things I need to put to light

This will be a kind of long post hawa, and I'm very sorry for putting this on your account! Probably should tag it as long post or non-loa

the companions

are the same thing, written with slight differences.

usually fitting the criterion of the tiktok eboy or the bad boy archetype. to list, they have tattoos, similar demonic features, and oddly colored eyes... and nothing else.

TW // violence mentions, t/rture mention

worth noting, they are also mentally ill and she nonchalantly talks about them being tortured, and absolving herself of guilt from this by stating that she cannot save them nor help them. she states that it is near impossible for her to move them out of there as its against the rules of the realm. as well as stating that, "it truly breaks my heart whenever i go to that place.", and yet constantly goes back to have tea or sweets with her tortured companions.

// warning over

they have the same personality; being unnaturally nice when they are supposed to be what rosemary called, "knife demons", which she had also said were usually known to be ruthless and violent... which is contradictory to one of her off-hand statements that the world she astral projects to isn't known / the statement that said that she was the first human to ever astral project to that particular world.

a continuitive thing with this is that they aren't describe like they are people. more like post-it notes from a wattpad writer + they had changed every photo of theirs in their community post after the earlier anon made the callout ask.

a lot of the companions, who act more like characters, have the same speech pattern and personality with little to no charactization. to give rosemary the benefit of the doubt there, she only gives small snippets of situations and scenarios.. which unfortunately for her were found to be common prompts in scenario generators + can be easily thought up by a teenager who's read enough wattpad fanfiction as it follows that exact pattern

dark demonic and mean person with a soft side for you // tortured soul who finds peace in you // someone who looks mean but is nice and funny

don't forget, conventionally attractive with black hair and usually accompanied by horns and tattoos

the companions are near the same thing with minor differences, and if you switch who said what with any of the "scenarios" she said happened, there would be little to no difference

what she tells her audience

is very little.

while she has made a post saying she is tired of sharing her experiences and her knowledge, she's exaggerating the exact information she's releasing.

she does not explain how to astral project, nor does she explain what certain things are. she doesn't reply to comments saying what she's saying isn't true with the basic rules of astral projection, and the comment disappears mysteriously soon after.

she makes plenty of contradictory statements. earlier above, i stated that she she said that knife demons are known to be ruthless and violent yet in a community post a day ago, she also said that, "most of the spirits i met there were really nice", in the same reality stated in the trigger warnings. she also stated its impossible for her audience to summon her companions... except that is possible so she's contradicting the basic rules of spirits and astral projection themselves

IN A VERY RECENT POST (which happened as i was writing this), she repeats herself again! at least this time, with more creativity. the third companion has similar traits to the previous two except now.. its the vampire archetype

now she astral projects into a vampire world with the conventional-how-you-would-expect a vampire to look (did i mention every companion of hers is a he/him with black hair and never normal colored eyes or did i forget that- oh wait)

this post was at least longer and less wattpad-istic but it is also very clearly a "checkmate antis!" moment. every post was edited after the anon who called her out made the callout, she admits they seemed like wattpad and then tried something different.. but its again, the same thing in a different font

some people who have astral project and practice it say some of the shit she says doesn't follow the basics either but we can't really prove that cause.. she doesn't even explain how she does it?? she just says she does

conclusion

i cannot say for certain whether she is or is not an astral projector

what i can say for certain is that the information she pushes onto her audience is dangerous, contradictory to itself, sometimes goes against some aspects of astral projection, and seems more like a lie that got progressively more suspicious and was getting called out for it on Tumblr of all places but you can't admit that to your 20.7k subscribers

- can i be the feather anon, im on laptop so i can't put it yet but like??

have a great day hawa!

oh wow😭and of course you can!

#non loa

[reaction2whatever]

My Agents of shield season 3 mumble jumble

I just finished the season 3 finale and boyyyyy am I emotional right about now. (Possibly because I binged 5 episodes all at once and thoughts are jumbled

Be prepared I'm sensing this is gonna be a long rant

Just like the season 2 rant Imma divide this into two parts and ramble it through each part

(sidenote: this is my first time watching this show so If you want to see my reactions to previous seasons you can find those thoughts here and please no spoilers. I started this account that I don't really use to stop Tumblr spoiling me based on the tags that I used lol)

Plot

Welp. Where do I even start

I think it is a pretty good season. Better than season 1, not as strong as season 2.

I also like the latter half of the season where they fight Hive more than the first half.

The reason behind my criticism of the first half of this season is that it is trying to do TOO many things all at the same time while simultaneously moving too slowly too.

Let's see. The first ten episodes of this season had the following main storylines:

-A massive amount of people are turning into Inhumans and they are creating chaos

-ATCU is targeting Inhumans, especially Lincoln

-A new "monster", later revealed as Andrew/Lush, is hunting Inhumans as well

-Fitz saving Simmons from an alien planet/ that FitzSimmons and Will love triangle

-Hunter and May trying to take down Ward for Bobbi

After having finished this season, I can see the way these stories intertwine with each other. It is pretty great. I think the writers did a very good job with how the mysteries thrown at viewers were all resolved.

But when watching it for the first time, I felt like new questions kept coming up and the main characters were all over the place following different plotlines. It was easy to be confused as to what's the point of everything and how does everything connect together?

Especially when it's trying to tell this many stories all at once, somehow this show slowed down the pace so suddenly to give Simmons a whole episode solely to talk about her time on an alien planet pining for one man and falling in love for another.

Like the pace was really fast and suddenly slowed down then picked up the pace again.

When season 2 was finished I was pretty excited about the potential of a lot of new inhuman capabilities in season 3, because fish is a common enough thing that a potentially huge amount of people could get powers overnight.

But I guess in season 3 we only get Andrew(who wasn't turned into an Inhuman because of fish oil), yoyo, joey, and some minor side characters. After Rosalind died and Hive was introduced, this spread of inhuman incidents' influence seemed to have hit the stop button and never surfaced again.

Wasn't this introduced as a massive global outbreak in the first episode? Why is it that the shield team has stopped showing up to newly turned Inhumans like they did for Joey? Why is it that Hive wasn't capable of finding hundreds of Inhumans to work for him under his sway?

At his peak, Hive had like 4 Inhumans under his sway(Daisy, multiplying woman, telekinesis guy, fire-throwing guy), and...honestly, I had to lol at that pathetic low number(I know Andrew killed some but like, they can do better with that number. There is no way anyone can stop the world from eating fish and this is a thing that can't be stopped. Every day there should be new Inhumans lol.

Would have been so cool to see more characters with inhuman powers/see a massive inhuman outbreak more.

The same could be said for Simmons' adventure on another planet and her reaction to it, soooo much potential for a whole other planet. The ATCU's philosophy and the debate of whether Inhumans should be cured could be expanded a lot more to talk about ethics, so a lot of potential there too.

Each thread of plotting could be expanded and explained more because each thread has a lot of potentials, but I guess they needed for the season to move forward quickly and I think it got a bit messy and rushed with the many characters and plotlines introduced.

The latter half of the season focuses a lot more on a singular threat Hive and I feel like I like the latter half more. I'm very sad that Bobbi and Hunter are gone for the latter half but I have to admit after sending these two away, the reduced number of the main cast also helped with the storytelling.

I know I wrote a lot of criticism above but honestly overall I still think this is a strong season and the plot is pretty awesome and I love this show but I've said that amazement enough in my episode to episode reactions lol so I'll shut up and talk about characters instead.

Characters

Daisy Johnson

oh boy do I love her. (Chloe Bennet is so good at acting like oh wow

First of all, I know (from the very kind @agents-of-fangirling in the comments) that Daisy Johnson is a comic book character and that's probably why they've changed her name.

But still, I think it's pretty symbolic.

Skye was a person trying to find meaning in her life. She was homeless, an orphan, who had never had stability in her life, who had no idea who she was or what's her heritage. Skye was very much struggling to balance between her birth family and her shield famly and why does she have powers. It's an orphan's name and it hints at her chaotic life.

After an entire journey in the span of two seasons, Skye had found her heritage, her power, and her parents. Now she was agent Daisy Johnson, her full name comes from her birth parents but very much an agent of shield and a superhero (Before sway. I'll talk about that later lol)

She had gotten over that rookie phase and she was more mature now.

I'm very glad that Daisy Johnson doesn't need anybody to baby her to go into the field and be GOOD at it. She wasn't stuck as a rookie and she's just grown to the point where I feel a sense of security when she's in the field.

Compare that to when in season 1 she can't fight at all and in season 2 she was training under May and fumbling over her powers, this season she'd really feel all grew up.

She leads the inhuman task force, she advocates for inhuman rights. She has accepted her Inhuman identity and knows who she is. She uses her power well and she fights well and she gets things done. She had really started to feel confident and capable. She's just an overall very enjoyable superhero and agent in this season.

(Maybe she didn't hack as much as she used to but I accept the trade between hacking scenes and super hot power/fighting scenes any day)

ALSO did I mention just how gorgeous she is?

AND THEN she got swayed

See, the writers of this show never let any character gets too comfortable with life.

I feel like part of the reason why Daisy after sway is pretty heartbreaking to watch is that she finally seemed happy and content with her life for a bit. She was a leader of a good team of Inhumans, she had a boyfriend who's a massive upgrade from Miles and Ward.

AND hive just went ahead and took all of that away from her.

I feel like that's like her worst nightmare coming true. She truly sees the team as her family. Not only did she personally hurt Fitz and Mack but she also had that vision. She knew someone is gonna die. She knew that time can't be changed.

I truly believed that if she killed someone on the team it will break her but...things are not much better.

She was in so much pain and so addicted to the feeling of hive that she begged hive to take her back, which at the moment is understandable, but she's gonna beat herself up for it for sure later on. hive having Ward's face definitely doesn't help one bit.

I feel like she was even relieved when she thought her helping hive will only result in her own death and not somebody else's.

It's easier on her conscious in a way

AND then Lincoln dies. Lincoln who is the only one that knew she begged Hive to take her back. Lincoln who only said he loves her when he was about to die.

My girl ended this season being suicidal, going through withdrawal, having to face the fact that she harmed the team, having to face the fact that May's ex-husband and probably the only therapist who can help her deal right now died for her, having to face the fact that her boyfriend exploded in space for her with hive who possess Ward's face and being hunted by shield.

I fear for her sanity because I would be on the floor bawling right now if I were her. Life is not treating her well.

I don't know why shield is after her when we end this season but for the love of God somebody please wrap her up in a soft blanket and give the girl some soup and also give her a ton of good therapy.

Phil Coulson

Coulson feels more like a person this season because he is selfish and I meant it in a good way

He was just good in season 1 and 2. He was that generic good boss character with some trauma with being brought back to life and...yeah that's about it

This season though, Coulson fell in love with Rosalind resulting in Rosalind bleeding out in his arms

He hunted down and killed Ward for personal reasons and I liked it because he's more like a human being with flaws lol.

There was one bit of wasted potential for Coulson and that's being an amputee.

I know he struggled a bit with ties and he mentioned phantom pain. But later on, he had cool gadgets on his hand and he just got some more capability being an amputee

I would love to see an episode where he lost his hand and show some real struggle with it because I feel like in this season his struggle as a disabled person got glossed over easily. His disability was even seen as cool with all the extra gadgets on his hand. idk I feel like there are a lot of potentials to be explored there

Melinda May

Man, I don't know why they keep on wasting May's potential

May's arc was basically hunting Ward with Hunter and then some emotional scenes/plots with Andrew/Lush

Other than that...May is basically used as a generic plot driver/field agent

I want her to have some solid arc. like Daisy's brainwashing arc or Simmons' alien planet arc

Give her something of substance please and don't let Andrew's wife confine her like it did in this season

Also I was kinda sad that Lash didn't get to say goodbye to her

Grant Ward/Hive

I hate his face so much

Like seriously, he better be gone for good. He's a pretty good villain for a solid three seasons now and it's time for him to be gone

I loved him as good guy Ward and I still think he's a pretty handsome guy

But uggh the way seeing his face makes me want to punch things

FitzSimmons

FitzSimmons this season got more mature and they finally got together like TOOK THEM LONG ENOUGH(I'm feeling like a proud mother

I am very proud of Fitz that he had gradually overcome his brain damage and he got more daring/courageous this season

I cannot imagine season 1 Fitz facing and successfully tricking a whole mob by himself but he did in this season for Simmons.

He was very much a heroic character in trying to save Simmons through space when he pulled her from the planet

He didn't hold it against Simmons for falling in love with Will and even though he was in love with Simmons he still tried his very best to save Will. That's heroic behavior and just pretty selfless overall. Not a lot of guys will do that.

I'm very glad that he got the girl in the end lol

I feel like Simmons this season had a good arc with the alien planet thing. I was very glad that she got her own episode.

I understand why she would fall for Will and I applaud the writers that they used creativity to introduce a love triangle to FitzSimmons.

I think the reason why FitzSimmons is appealing (at least for me) is that they seem to have this bubble around them, separating them from the outside world. They live in this scientific world where they are the only two who can understand each other and communicate with each other. When they talk to other people, they need to dial their sentences down, use plain language so that others could understand, chose their words carefully to explain. But they don't need to do that with each other

A perfect example comes to mind:

When Fitz was trapped in the hanger with primitive agents

Simmons: "Fitz, Professor idk's compiler theory?"

Fitz:"yes yes do that you saw me do it and you have a good memory"

After Simmons has saved Fitz, Coulson was like "wtf is that"

see, FitzSimmons has this deep understanding of each other and connection that seems so untouchable for anyone else. They don't need to say things carefully so the other will understand and their communication in science is unmatched

I don't think anybody could follow their train of thoughts outside of them, and that's a connection that's unbreakable

I had always thought a third wheeler in FitzSimmons is kinda impossible. The writers managed to use Will to introduce some logical and possible angst to FitzSimmons and I had to applaud them for effort lol

(SEE, it takes separation to an ALIEN planet to introduce plausible angst to FitzSimmons and that's saying something lol)

I hope FitzSimmons have a good vacation in Seychelles and do more than just snorkeling

Lincoln

Oh man I wish he was not dead I'm still emo thinking about it

Last season I said Lincoln felt like a love interest designed for Daisy and somehow that feeling hasn't really gone away this season

He was saved by Daisy, joined shield for Daisy, almost died trying out a vaccine for her, and eventually really died for her.

When his addiction to alcohol was first introduced I thought briefly that the writers wanted to introduce more depth/background to him. But after that sway of Daisy+Hive sway thing I feel like they purposefully introduced it to make Lincoln be the only one who would understand Daisy's addiction to hive

The rest of the team just thought she went to Hive to fight him. Lincoln was the only one who figured out that she was addicted.

I mean it's good that somebody on the team understands Daisy, but I also feel like this shift was a bit contradicting the image when Lincoln was first introduced. He was calm, collected, in control of his power back then. He accepted his inhuman identity perfectly and he was just overall pretty nice and kind. He was also very supportive of Daisy

This season, because the writers are putting this being hunted/addiction arc onto Lincoln, he has gotten more chaotic and his writing got a bit inconsistent

He didn't visit Daisy when she was at her lowest after Hive's sway, but sacrificed and died for Daisy in the end while saying he loves her. If he loves her I guess he'd done for her what Mack has done for her, right?

But all of these things aside, I just wished Lincoln could act more of an Inhuman medical expert for the team. He could have been very valuable but I guess he stayed as a supporting character

I'm gonna miss him. He was pretty handsome. I hope his death doesn't completely break Daisy even though it seems likely

Lance Hunter/Bobbi Morse

They are two of the best characters on this show and I cannot believe they just left like that

But I guess if they had to go, they went out as a couple and as heroes. So I guess spy's goodbye is a good goodbye.

They are like the definition of likable supporting characters who doesn't hog screen time while still being very enjoyable to the show

We never need to have long and deep scenes of them to know their characteristics and that's hard to achieve. I'm gonna miss both of them dearly for sure

Mack

Yay he definitely got more likable in this season! His shotgun axe was pretty awesome and mmm I hope his romance with yoyo works out well

Andrew/Lash

Andrew shouldn't have died

I don't really care about Lash had to die somehow but I do think Lash shouldn't have been Andrew

His character has so much potential

He's a therapist that shield could trust. Just how valuable is that??

This show has so many characters with trauma that's layered with shield secret and every single one of Andrew's therapy scenes is gold for characterization

If Andrew didn't die, he could have helped everyone on the team and I just feel like his connections to Daisy and Simmons and May were kinda abandoned and ruined

I will miss Andrew for sure

ANYWAYS, this is definitely too long of a thing and I had a blast today watching many episodes and finishing season 3.

Imma stop now lol.

#agents of shield #agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.

[ladyalienist]

So what happened yesterday is that I posted a rant about fatphobia in radical feminist spaces. And today I woke up finding some notes, some I had already seen yesterday but I didn't bother to reply, which I deeply regret.

Yes because I would like to offer a shoutout to that one single person who reblogged it with a series of tags that proved the point, but sadly some hours later she changed her mind and erased the tags, thus forbidding me to offer her the attention she clearly deserved. I managed to take one look at them and they were along the lines of "you're a lazy and not feminist dipshit", so luckily the concept of such a profound insight has not gotten entirely lost, even if the poetics of the wording has. Food for thought, my ladies, food for thought!

However, another reply I managed to save:

@september-morning-butch I hope you don't mind me making another post to reply to your insight, which I indeed found fascinating.

See... I find it fascinating that you automatically assumed I never once in my life spoke to a sporty person.

I was a sporty person. Some posts earlier I wrote about the sports I've tried and sometimes kept on doing for years, and since I am human and I live in a society, I also have had interaction with fitness enthusiasts, coaches and casual sporty human beings. Most of my friends hit the gym on the regular or practice some other kind of physical activity. When I have spare time I, too, do so.

Maybe I should have asked more expert sporty people. Like this man, for instance. Or this woman. Or, why not, this guy. The list goes on, and on, and on: maybe not every sport enthusiast will tell me the same things.

I find it also fascinating that you assume I do not know the criteria for a diet to be actually working. Do you by any chance think that fat people do not ever try to go on diets, or that I, personally, did never try? Because I did.

And now I will share with you what usually happens when Average Jane, who just needs to keep off those 10 kilos and then she's fine, goes on a diet-and-gym-new-lifestyle:

Average Jane decides to go to a nutritionist, who will (usually) tell her to cut all processed foods, all sugars and most carbs and invest on proteins. She then will subscribe to the gym and receive her personalized (which is usually just a standard one but let's not become too pedantic) programme. She starts the next day, full of good intentions. At first she's enthusiastic: she's finally losing those ugly ugly fat rolls! She will be in shape! Her lifestyle will be healthy and good, no more food guilt! Then, usually after a month or two, she starts noticing that the weight loss is slowing down and she's stabilizing somewhere that's not her ideal weight. Let's say she wants to weigh 50 kilos: she weighs 55 and can't seem to go under. At the same time, gym is getting increasingly tiring and she's starting to crave sugar and carbs, she dreams of full plates at night, every waking moment is spent in food obsessing. At some point she'll either understand that she needs to restrict more, and then more, and then more, in order to keep those rolls off herself, and I don't know how to tell you that this is usually called an eating disorder, or she'll give up and order takeaway one evening, gulp it down, immediately feel better, and in a year she'll have all of her previous fat back on, plus some more in most cases. Two months after she decides that after all it wasn't that bad, and goes back to the nutritionist and to the gym and the cycle restarts. This is called yo-yo dieting and it's far, far more dangerous for health than just staying fat and eating balanced meals.

Now, am I being catastrophic? A little. But I'm not making this up, I'm paraphrasing words from at least one trainer who bragged about her own weight loss journey and how she had spent the last few years never enjoying a social gathering because she cannot deviate from her diet in any way. Not so different from what you told me, but she was totally bragging about... being miserable during celebrations. How is this in any way good for her?

Does this mean "go get stuffed on McDonald's"? Absolutely not. Following a healthy lifestyle and a good diet and exercise regimen is essential! And it's true that sometimes lifestyle changes can and will do wonders for your body! You could cut off McDonald's for anticapitalistic/antispecistic reasons and realize you're losing weight, and that's amazing! However, that's not how most people work and I don't know how to tell you that being constantly hungry because "that's my new lifestyle and I need to keep the weight down" is not healthy in the slightest!

You were unlucky, living with an ugly disorder that requires loads of attention. I understand this and I fully see where you're coming from. Making eating choices that are good for our health sometimes is a hard path that requires willpower, and I am not saying that it doesn't do wonders and that your life quality doesn't improve a lot when you manage it.

But framing the "not working-ness" of dieting as a matter of willpower and basically saying that the only reason they don't is that fat people are not enthusiastic enough about their health... is again re-framing that you think fatness=laziness and moral failure.

So thank you for expressing your point of view in an articulated way instead of just hurling insults, but my point still stands.

#radblr #radical feminism critique #radical feminsim #radical feminist safe #radical feminists please interact #some people are fat #fat acceptance #why do you keep on derailing stuff #useless ramble

[minisoc]

As requested, line by line breakdown of testoster2's anti communist rant about parties.

> idk which baby leftist needs to hear this

off to a great condescending start from someone whose only left credit is claiming to be on the left on their Tumblr

> but joining a socialist party will be a waste of your time.

I couldn't imagine a more cop opinion to start us off with. i see things like this and i think: whose interests does this serve? "oh no baby leftists, don't join a party" just brings to mind this image

> you'll probably have to pay a monthly due

that's true. every communist party in history has taken dues from members. it's typically scaled to what you can manage though and it's part of the collective effort of the party organization to make social change. my dues sent comrades to Venezuela and Cuba to learn from socialists there, they produced our programs for free lunches, it built our community centers. i have no regrets about paying my dues, i pay dues to my union as well.

> that goes to like. flyers no one reads

projection. sounds now like op is defending their own lack of action with a lack of belief in the possibility of change. in my experience people do read things and even change their minds after reading things. if people were not able to be affected by the written word then propagandists on all sides would be in a tough situation.

> that you yourself will have to give to people

oh no, you mean joining a party means you might have to do outreach and talk to people? can see why it's not for op, then.

> (this in case the money doesn't go straight in the party leader's pocket).

op has never seen this but says it like it's a fact. it would be pretty easy to find out if your party leadership is embezzling and your party should be structured in a way that you know they'd be thrown out if they betrayed everyone like this. i have that confidence in my party, at least.

this is also very reminiscent about how anti communists engage with propaganda. they feel comfortable making claims of any kind whether supported or not. anyway, this is another obvious cop opinion.

> you'll waste time writing papers and reports and shit, it'll feel like having a second job.

not explained is why writing is a waste of time. i think writing for a party is almost always a useful activity, whether you're making plans for a new action or campaign or producing new agitational materials or analysing the results of previous work so you can improve on it.

it is a job, though. being a communist does mean doing work, society won't change by sitting at home and attacking communist parties on Tumblr. the lifelong sacrifices made by hard working communists are why we have seen so many socialist victories in the last century.

> the most exciting events will be lib shit like elections

this again can only be projection. the most exciting times for me have been in some of the countries largest protest actions, organizing campaigns to free political prisoners, providing at risk communities with basic needs and engaging with them, building new unions, etc. etc

> or peaceful protests that the party would still organize w/o you as a member

here's the key issue with op i think. they want to be vital to the revolution. they don't want to think that they're only one of many people all working together. yes it's true the party will continue without you, especially a wannabe cop like you. but it doesn't mean party work is useless, it just means you are useless as an individual.

> (showing up at a protest w/o having a party affiliation gives you more freedom

freedom to do what, i do wonder? being afraid of party work bc it doesn't let you do whatever you want is kinda silly, if you don't want anyone to ever tell you what to do then yeah don't join a party. if you want to make change in the world then do.

> + makes you a bit less arrestable - as opposed to if a cop saw you carrying a name tag w the hammer and sickle on it. just fyi)

this again appears to have been just made up by op. I've never been arrested for wearing a pin or a party tshirt. i don't know a single person who has. and I've known plenty of people without any markings get arrested.

> all this w/o even mentioning how (depending on your luck) there could be a lot of infighting, splits, sometimes purges

well yes it sounds like there would be a lot of drama wherever op goes but it doesn't seem to be the case generally. my party did form in a split, but over 15 years ago. i don't see any reason to worry that it would happen again any time soon. we don't infight at all, sorta the concept of the party is people who want to work effectively together.

another bit of funny evidence that op is anti communist is the inclusion of the word purges, lol. purge means expulsion from party, ooh very sinister.

> all in all, joining a socialist party is a very, Very ineffective way of building communism lmao

well first it's simply a truth that no socialist country was ever built without a communist party. not one.

but also, did any of ops points have anything to do with effectiveness? all i gathered is they're pushing an individualistic, don't tell me what to do outlook. and the condescension about protests and flyering suggest they want something more adventurist, possibly involving violence. remember the fbi and police always instigate when they infiltrate groups. they always push for criminal actions and violence.

> i'd instead recommend you talk to your neighbours abt their lives, and see how you can help each other.

hey, guess what a party does! do you think our new tenants unions and unemployed councils could come into being without talking to neighbors? do you think our new unions could come into being without discussing the way we could help each other?

> if you live in like a very rich neighbourhood or something, instead of joining a socialist party

well isn't this an interesting premise. i wonder what it says about op that they want to emphasize what the well off should do.

> it'd be way more effective if you joined a liberal/conservative party and then fucked their shit up as much as possible

sure, just see every other attempt in history at wrecking or entryism with the Democratic party. i encourage you to look into it

> if ur only goal is meeting other leftists, only go to the first 2 or 3 party meetings, by then you'll know the scene and you'd have already befriended the interesting people. that;s my advice at least

this piece of advice is generally good. in fact before applying to join any party if at all possible i encourage you to meet with the members local to you, see how they work, see what you think of their ideas and what they're doing. if they're not active in your community, ask why not. there's nothing requiring you to join if it isn't for you. but if you want to make change in this country, learning how to do it from those with experience is best. and working together in an organization that can effectively chart a path forward is the only option there is. every communist revolution was built with the leadership of the communist party.

#testoster2 #close reading #communist parties #socialism #us politics

[heiayen]

in the stars - albedo x gn!reader

tags: angst, character death, mentioned blood, injury description, soulmate + modern au, people have dreams about their soulmate from previous life and usually they stop having those dreams when they find them, mona also plays a role here. the ending is kinda open for interpretation

this fic is linked to my other albedo fic, lovers' tragedy but there's not big need to read it to understand what is happening.

summary: he dreams about someone every night. about someone who he used to know, about his so called "soulmate", except... it's always a nightmare. 

word count: 1141 + fic utc.

we back with angst! let’s go baby! also special tag for @yostresswritinggirl because. sorry it got kinda angsty,

and every night, he would dream. about snow stinging his skin, about blood on his fingers, clothes, on their body. he dreams about the sword lying next to him, covered in someone's blood but he can't even remember who was this someone. he dreams and hears someone's screams, feels someone's tears, maybe his own? he dreams about many things yet never, never hears the words, those calming words , they got lost in the chaos and no matter how much he tries shut everything down, just to hear them-

he would never hear them, he would open his eyes instead, in cold sweat, heavily breathing and just wondering, just wondering. 

what went so wrong?

he would sit on the bed, stare at the wall with troubled expression after the feelings calm down and ask himself so many questions. who even attacked them? what was the reason? who they are in the first place, why he was there? could he help them, save them from their fate? was it his fau-

jesus, who calls people at early morning?

with a sigh he took the phone from the nightstand. of course the one calling him was mona, this girl never knew what was the normal hour to call anyone, either waking him up at early morning in the weekend or at late monday night-

"albedo! where in the stars are you?" he was greet with angry sounding mona, something new. he narrowed his eyebrows, confused. was he supposed to be somewhere else at, what, four in the morning? 

"in bed, mona, in bed. where else i'm supposed to do?"

"it's not normal for you to get late for anything." get late? did he actually forgot about something? he looked around for the clock but then remembered that there's no clocks in his room, so he looked at his phone and... oh.

it was nine in the morning, actually.

"my god, give me 30 minutes" he got up from the bed, in hurry looking for clean clothes and cutting off mona in the middle of her rant, and then also in hurry eating anything and running for the bus. the bus was earlier than planned so albedo was also later than planned, late by exactly eight minutes.

"here you are! i thought i'm gonna be alone with kaeya for whole day." the black haired girl called albedo and walked toward him, hands crossed on her chest, "do you know how annoying he can be sometimes?"

"i'm perfectly aware about that after two years together in highschool." he prefered to not even talk about them more. mona just rolled her eyes.

"either way, why were you late? by almost two hours?" this was something albedo himself wanted to know. he went to sleep at the usual hour, wasn't really tired, he doesn't remember waking up randomly at night, so what was the reason? well, maybe his alarm didn't worked?

"i don't have an idea why, probably my alarm didn't worked."

"you always find a logical explanation, huh?" she responded to him, quickly adding after it "well, forget about this. did you had any dreams today?"

mona was hard to talk sometimes, but her interest in those... dreams from the past lives, her interest in stars was quite useful for him. for someone having them every night and wondering- 

"albedo! head from the clouds, are you answering?" 

"i'm busy." 

"wih what are you busy, thinking?" mona was hard to talk sometimes, but also very smart and she knew a lot about... all this stuff.

according to her, those dreams were about his past life and someone close to him, about his soulmate and usually, for most people, they would just be about some nice moments they spent together, sometimes sadder, sometimes happier. 

but never about death. 

never about watching the close one die in your own hands. 

and mona seemed to also not understand this and her every try to "read the stars to find the answer" would always end with nothing. and it was even more annoying because albedo couldn't just use logic and somehow get to the real cause of this all, everything was so useless, everything-

"oh, [y/n]! come here!" albedo snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of mona calling someone. he looked at the person and... 

"excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?" he blurted out, eyes widened in confusion. they seemed... somehow familiar. but albedo wasn't able to put his finger on anything. 

"well..." they started, "i'm mona's close friend, [y/n]. you probably saw me somewhere..." 

yes, it was a logical explanation. for sure. it was just... a coincidence. it can be normal to see someone and think that they are familiar because you saw them somewhere in college or just someone similiar to them somewhere else.

yet the weird feeling in his chest. this little stab that made it harder to breathe. he needed to find out why, what was the reason of that?

there was only one option to find out.

the dream was the same. the same scenery, the same blood on the snow, the same blade, but the words got clearer, thoughts calmed down-

it was so calm. so scarily calm, it was hard to believe that they were looking at each other in shock, with his sword sticking out from their stomach. too calm for the tragedy happening there.

"albedo..." a quiet voice knocked him out and now he realized, he realized what was happening and he was in panic, trying to catch them in his hands and take to the camp to save them because hey it's just a sword wound they need to get alive from this- 

"wait... no... there's no need-"

"no, don't talk, save your breath, we can- i can find a way to help you." and yet he knew that no matter what he will try to do, it won't help. the dragonspine climat was even deadly sometimes, the road to mondstadt was too long and his camp wasn't a great place for any medical actions and besides why it was so far away from them? 

"albedo... you won't make it anyway..." he felt something cold on his cheek, he felt someone's cold hand and he finally looked down at them.

and they were still trying to smile despite all this pain that he caused them, they still-

"don't cry... we will meet again, you know?" their voice was getting more and more quiet, more weak with each word said, "the stars. they told me."

and yet the only thing he was able to say was their name, the only thing he was able to do was beg the gods to let them live, to save them-

he woke up.

in panic, tears in eyes, heavy breathing but at least now, he was certain.

they met again.

pov: your name is albedo. it turns out that you killed your soulmate in your previous life. you two meet again. they have no idea about it. this is not a good ending.

you can ignore this part and just go “ok this is a good ending i don’t care” but. y’know the deal.  

#heia's writin' #genshin impact x reader #gender neutral reader #genshin impact x gender neutral reader #angst #character death #let's GOOOOO #it's 12am #i dont think anymore #albedo x reader

[got-to-love-a-badboy]

Special Guest

Previous chapter ^^^

Chapter 5 - Notifications

Jack Grealish x female character

Ellie completely pushed the wedding to the back of her mind, it had been 3 days and Jack hadn't messaged at all, she assumed he must have realised how unimportant she was, but it's ok she was fine with it.

She had just got home from work when she received a notification on of a tag on her Instagram from Jack, she rolled her eyes at the notification, "make your damn mind up!" She said out loud, she placed her bag on the granite counter and sat down to open instagram, it was a post by the photographers who were at Kalvins wedding, Ellie smiled as she saw pictures of the bride and groom, then her and Jessica, Jessica and Jamie, then finally an image she completely forgot had been taken, a picture of her and Jack, Ellie was looking at the camera totally unaware of what Jack was doing, only now could she see the look on his face, he was looking at Ellie with pure admiration, this confused her even more.

"3 days, its been 3 days, no message, no call, only a heart and coffee emoji on my post and now this, wtf Jess! I'm good at putting shit to the back of my mind but how can I when he can't decide what he wants?, I hope he doesn't think I'm a booty call!, or is he shy?, ah! My brain hurts with all this" Ellie ranted on to Jessica, "you done?" Jessica asked, clearly hearing quite enough of her ramblings, "yeah, sorry, what can I do?", Ellie really needed help from her best friend, "exactly what I told you the other day, DM him!, He doesn't rely then fine you will know, if he replies then your in girl", Ellie had to admit her impulsive best friend did make sense, just this one time, "ok il message him now, il call you later".

With that Ellie ended the call and opened Instagram, she sat staring at the screen, clicking on Jack's profile picture, when she saw  his face all the memories of the wedding came back to her, she blushed at the thought of his hands all over her again.

She quickly snapped herself back to normality, her priorities was what to put in the message, it had to be simple, nothing too needy but more than a simple 'hi'.

She typed out 20 different messages before finally clicking send, finally deciding on ...

@Ellowe25 - Hey, you ok?, Thank you for the tag, the pictures are beautiful 😍

There, it was done, Ellie pushed her phone into the middle of the kitchen island and headed upstairs to get ready for the gym.

She removed most of her makeup, changed her clothes and put her hair in a high pony tail.

Once she was ready she walked back into the kitchen and grabbed her phone, noticing she had a reply from Jack. She tried to not let herself get too exited but her heart began to race faster than she could stop it.

She picked up the phone and opened the notification...

@Jackgrealish - Princess Ellie!, I'm good beautiful how are you?

I'm really sorry I haven't messaged, I know this is going to sound like absolute shit but Iv been trying to get my head around stuff x.

Ellie rolled her eyes at his reply, he was right it did seem like shit but she accepted his answers and decided to be friendly with him.

@Ellowe25- I'm good thanks, just heading out to the gym, are you back in Birmingham now?

It's fine Jack honestly, I didn't expect anything after the wedding, we live two completely different lives, and understandably you have a lot on, it's not as easy for you to have any sort of relationship. X

She meant what she said to him, she fully expected this to happen and was prepared to deal with it, she shoved her phone in her pocket and got in her car.

When she pulled up at the gym she had two notifications from Jack...

@Jackgrealish - the gym at 7pm, loving the commitment babe.

Yeah I'm back in Birmingham now.

Thank you, I don't want to dismiss what we have because despite everything going on with work and been in the public eye etc, there was something with us and it feels better now we're back in touch, do you agree? X

@Jackgrealish - wouldn't be a gym session without a selfie? Remind me what I'm missing? 😉 x

Ellie laughed at the footballers forwardness, this boy just didn't care, 'two can play that game Grealish' she thought, she headed for the changing rooms and found the long mirrors, she stood in the mirror and readjusted the 'girls' for the perfect 'you wish you had this' photo.

@Ellowe25- of course, your lack of communication shows you need a reminder 😉 But yes it does feel better talking to you again 😘 what are you doing? Does it require a selfie? X

She clicked send and began her work out, 90 minutes later she had finished, she headed back to the locker rooms to shower and change, not before checking her phone.

@Jackgrealish - wow! Ellie 😍 you look amazing

Really wishing I was with you now.

I'm just chilling at home, all alone but you can have a selfie Ellie, just ask 😉 x

Ellie smiled at his reply but still didn't want to get serious before anything even started.

@Ellowe25 - hot stuff Grealish 🥰

Let's just keep talking and see where it goes, no pressure ok?.

Anyway I'm headed to the shower now and unfortunately for you, that doesn't require a selfie, text my number in like 40 minutes, il be home then x

—————————————————-

#jack grealish #jack grealish fic #jackgrealish

[batfam-adventures]

(Commentary and thoughts on the problem with certain anti tags and frankly anti tags in general, be warned)

I'm going to be honest, there is nothing that infuriates me more than those who attack a ship, or a character as abusive for the reason of banter, poor writing verging on character assassination or astonishing reasons as one character being created to be a beard for the other.

To give an example, the TimSteph ship has attracted a lot of hate recently because apparently one of the two is abusive towards the other (mostly Steph).

Now, I'm not against preferring another ship to that one, such as StephCass or TimKon, or feeling that Steph has basically had a lot of her agency taken away recently, reducing her to just Tim's girlfriend and that causing people to distance themselves from the relationship, those are all fair enough reasons to not really like the ship. Even feeling like there is no chemistry is a reason, that I disagree with, but can respect.

What I can't respect are some of the reasons given for hating the ship.

To give an example, one tumblr outright stated that part of the reason (though not all of it) they hated Steph was because she was created by a homophobe (Chuck Dixon who IS conservative at the very least) to serve as beard for Tim.

Ignoring for a second that Tim is explicity sexually attracted to women (though considering the run that made that clearest was FabNic's version of Red Robin, I can understand not knowing about it), Steph was originally created to be a one-off character, it was fan popularity that caused her to return AND become a love interest for Tim. Even ignoring that, Tim was dating another girl named Arriana, which didn't work out for various reasons, the least of which was his constant absences to perform his duties as Robin.

Speaking of FabNic, it was his run as writer for Robin that is most often brought up when giving reasons to hate Steph and call her abusive. A run that was basically a rush job, when Dixon left DC again for unrelated reasons, where FabNic proceeded to write Steph hire Scarab of all people to fight Tim non-lethally after promising Batman to make him better. I'm going to be honest, I hated the idea of this to begin with, but someone pointed out how stupidly out of character Steph hiring Scarab was given that A) she would definitely not have the contacts to pull it off, and B) Scarab was the entire reason Steph got fired as Robin, resulting in a lot of trauma for her and I have to agree.

Combined with Steph being portrayed as unusually incompetent and her motivations being glossed over and it really reads like either A) FabNic had a vendetta against her character, meaning her character was hurt again almost immediately after being finally getting a break and having her incredibly spiteful death retconned or B) he was in such a rush due to being brought in to write the final arc of Robin in a hurry when Dixon left, that he didn't think his ideas through, and just wanted to get rid of Tim's supporting cast quickly and finish things up for the next writer to have a clean slate, causing him to write that mess of an arc.

To anyone unfamiliar with FabNic's work, the exact same thing happened in Red Robin when the Nu52 was about to happen, so he ended up butchering an entire arc he had planned, Tim's character suffering from an abrupt shift in coldness again when he was getting better and left the series on a frankly unsatisfying cliffhanger. So, I can completely see that as being what happened.

Now as for those who say that Steph's banter with Tim is cruel and abusive. This is something he canonically said very shortly before their relationship started.

So Tim definitely gave as good as he got.

Though this is nothing to what he once said to his first girlfriend, Arianna.

Not that I believe for a second Tim is actually sexist, but his banter can be unusually and unintentionally aggressive at times.

Now I'm not going to say a word about most of Yost's Red Robin run, but what helps is that Tim is not being portrayed as being in the right with many of his actions and gets called out as such, plus he was written pretty clearly to be in a mentally bad place.

Otherwise I and probably a lot of Tim's fans, hate the Batman jr. Character arc every writer (but Dixon ironically) seemed to have fixated on him having, making him become positively humourless for quite a while (especially in Teen Titans, but to be honest there are many fans of the YJ team who hated that run.) Which basically started with Steph and his dad's deaths by the way.

I'm not going to deny Tim and Steph had their fair share of drama before War Games, most notably the power imbalance caused by Tim knowing Steph's name, but being unable (yes, unable) to give her his. Tim had a reason for not telling Steph, Bruce making him promise not to, and he kept that promise even with the YJ team, and even made it clear that Steph couldn't know if they entered a relationship. That's all fair enough, even if Tim had a nasty habit of reminding Steph he knew her name while they were out in the open, putting her identity at risk and knew she hated it.

The stalking was caused when Tim implied he personally knew a girl they rescued, causing Steph to realise just how unbalanced their relationship was, since Tim could be cheating on her without her knowing due to the double life (and had in fact done so to his previous girlfriend Arianna, with Steph).

Which lets be honest, is also completely understandable as their relationship couldn't work long-term without it being equal knowledgewise.

Think about it, you're in a relationship with someone who refuses to tell you his real name, you may be able to recognise him without his mask on, but have no idea he goes to the same school as you since he makes sure to avoid you while simultaneously keeping an eye on you.

Tim himself realised this, since when Batman leaked his secret without his permission, he eventually made it clear he didn't blame Steph and that he should have been open with her when it began to trouble her.

As for Steph coming on to him when he had a girlfriend and wasn't interested, well this is what caused her to crush on him...

He had just been traumatised by being trapped underground with Cluemaster (brrr.) So kissing her in relief when he had a girlfriend was understandable, but it's also understandable that Steph thought he was interested in her especially since he never mentioned a girlfriend.

Amd Tim clearly cared for her in some way regardless judging from this page when Steph was kidnapped a few issues later.

As for Steph only being in love with Robin... the problem is that Steph made it clear once that she didn't care if Tim quit and she'd love him all the same.

So, no, I don't think Tim and Steph was an abusive ship, it might not be your cup of tea, but it's certainly not abusive, especially when written by a writer who isn't being rushed or got a lot on his plate.

As a side-note, it's worth noting that due to how the Tumblr Search Engine works, people not looking for Anti Tags, and instead quite the opposite, still end up finding them on occassion, so yes, they have a right to be annoyed and complain in private conversations.

I'm sorry if this devolved into a rant, but many anti threads have a nasty habit of focusing only on the bad, even when that bad isn't consistent characterisation. Whether we like the Character or not, we need to remember that having so many writers means that the Character will be screwed up occasionally. How many times has Batman learn not to be a jerk only to return to be a jerk almost immediately? How many times has Green Arrow gotten his act together only for another writer to have him return to cheating on Black Canary again?

We have to concede that any character can be screwed up by the wrong writer and we shouldn't hold that against them, especially when the stuff we don't like doesn't consistently happen.

#anti stephanie brown #anti tim drake #anti timsteph #stephanie brown #tim drake #cassandra cain #kon el #teen titans #young justice #red robin

[merc12-us]

Corruption  ◽ JJ Maybank ◽

Chapter 01 

Summary - In which his best friends little sister patches him up 

Limping through the back garden of a distinctly kook house was not something JJ Maybank was comfortable with, not unfamiliar, but still not comfortable. But after returning home to give John B a break to be on his own, JJ really needed a different place to stay and he decided to take his only kook friends offer.

His body felt like a bruised apple as he opened the sliding glass door to the Moriarty house, he knew the dads were away from what Miles had told them earlier so he thumped up the stairs with little care for the noise that echoed against the vast white walls, although he had been in the house a few times before it felt foreign, the clinical white walls and contrasting colors were far from any pouge house, this was enemy territory.  

With his mind on the mission of getting to Miles' room at the end of the hall JJ almost didn't notice the shocked brunette with the baseball bat waiting for him at the top of the stairs "JJ?" Amelia questioned looking down the hall at the familiar messy blonde hair.

JJ's head snapped up to meet his friends sister the fear in his eyes being quickly masked with a smirk which reopened the split on his lip as he took in the long lean figure of Amelia Moriarty "Sorry did princess just here to visit your brother" he assured his words overflowing with confidence, smirking as he quickly regraded her silky light pink pajamas and fluffy white slippers before he continued down the dark hallway on to his destination.

Kook princess through and through, Amelia Moriarty was always dressed like a doll, short summer dresses, flowing summer tops and high heeled sandals, never a hair out of place never a chip on her manicure. The two had never been that close, they had never hung out, only talking a few times in the company of her brother when they hung out at the house when her parents were away.

JJ had always looked a little to long at the girl much to her brothers chagrin but then again most boys on the island had dreamed about her at some point. The perfect pretty rich girl, Mia was usually stuck to one of her dad's side or to her best friend Meredith salt another rich girl from figure 8 that was disgusted by the pogues and preferred to have a Instagram perfect life than a real one.

However despite the distance even Amelia could read this situation the boy in front of her was not here for a social visit. "Umm well he's not actually here but your welcome to stay" she said trying to conceal her casually throwing the bat back in the room wincing at the loud noise as it clattered against the hard wood floor. "I'll take your up on that offer" He nodded lowly, as he moved past the golden light that was emitting from her room, not fast enough however as the girl let out a gasp.

"Oh my good, JJ, what happened to your face" she squeaked the light falling on his reddened mark on his left eye that marred the tanned skin as well as the broken crimson split that adorned his lip, the boy froze up already formulating a response before the girl continued. "Those fucking assholes" she fumed gently laying a perfectly manicured hand on his shoulder to angle him to the light.

They weren't the best of friends but in knowing the boy since she was 6 through his friendship with her brother she was well aware of his awful relationship with the other kooks in particular Rafe and Topper who frequently ranted about the boy at parties. JJ couldn't have felt more relief as his tired brain couldn't think of one of his usual excuses.

"Yeah Topper didn't like me on this side" he played along with a grin before wincing at the ache that blossomed from his bruise cheek as the girl smiled sadly at him looking down in embarrassment. The soft skin of her palm still resting on his bicep providing a comforting break from the chill that had set into his skin on the walk over as the heat radiated through him. JJ couldn't help himself as he flexed under her touch winking with his good eye "Don't worry I gave it back to him"

Amelia hummed shuffling on her feet awkwardly as she quickly pulled her hand back to her  "Amm here I'll get the first aid kit, sit down, sit down" she ushered him in to the warmth of her room to sit on her bed. Now this was new territory he thought as he looked around the room that had up until now been a plain white door.

Amelia's room carried on the plain white walls of the rest of the house but it was distinctly warmer, the floor was a warm pine and dotted with clothing, a white wicker hanging chair hung from a chain on the ceiling in the corner surrounded by a white lacy canape and warm yellow sting lights, a glass door opened onto a white tiled balcony with black metal rails, the bed was soft under his hands covered in a fluffy light grey blanket.

Amelia returned with a familiar red bag of bandages and creams in one hand and a cup of hot chocolate in the other "You looked cold" she smiled softly, more like your skin was like ice she thought as she handed him the hot beverage noticing the lack of bruises on his ring clad hands in mild surprise, he almost always got a punch in.

"So where's your brother" he asked as Amelia knelled in front of his legs to genitally clean the scrape on his cheek, in any other situation JJ would have made a joke about the girl on her knees in front of him but he knew daddies little girl Amelia would probably not appreciate or understand for that matter the girl was so sheltered it was insane to see how Miles was basically left in the wild.

"Umm I think he's out with a girl or something.." she trailed off softly a blush coating her cheeks noticing the boys proximity feeling the warmth from his bruised golden skin she pulled back.

Amelia was a lot of things but comforting was not one of them, an awkward air had fallen over the pair as JJ reflected on why he was here and Mia's mind was going a million miles an hour trying to figure out what to say. In a situation like this she would have normally have quietly slipped away but there was no running from the battered blonde in front of her, not that the thought hadn't crossed her mind but he was sitting in her house ... on her bed.

She was aware this situation was not ideal as she cleaned up the bandages . "He'll probably be back in the morning " there was a pause as JJ nodded slowly going to stand, as the girl continued her thinking rising from her knees to watch the boy hobble away to his previous destination

"Want something stronger?" she questioned softly, immediately looking down missing the shock that crossed the boys dark features as he turned around. Was this heaven or was he dreaming ? whatever this is don't take me from it, he thought as thanked the gods above.

Part 2

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#JJ Imagine #jjxreader #jj outer banks #obx jj #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj mayback #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank one shot #obx #obx imagine #obx fanfiction #Outer Banks #outer banks imagine #outer backs fanfictiom #rafe imagine #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron

[benka79]

Saying 'I Love You' never felt so good

McDanno meta. Season 4 meta.

Okay, I'm here again because I couldn't put these thoughts in my previous meta!

You can find my previous meta here.

I need to scream about the foreshadow and subtext of the Beautiful first, real, I Love You in the show, episode 4x18.

Let's start

After choosing you

Okay, I said in my previous meta Danny chooses Steve and Grace instead Gaby.

But, before that happens, we had a conversation between Steve and Danny at the beginning of the season 4.

Remember when they were hostages of terrorist that belonged to a drugs cartel in the Palace? There was a wounded person and Steve was kneeling by his side, and Danny came and said he was about to say the three words to Gaby? Remember Steve's reaction to that?

I had to ask for help to my friend @mrsaquaman187 , I don't have the gifs but I do remember when Danny started saying it, Steve closed his eyes and scratched his left eyebrow.

This is sign of uncomfortable, and nervousness.

Why he reacted like that? Oh well, just because he knows Danny said 'I love you' to him in their first date, and then he began to date Gaby, so... That wasn't serious for sure, and he thinks he is gonna do the same to her. So... Steve gave an advice, he said Danny needed to know well if he was about to say those words, because is a big deal.

We know Danny didn't say it to Gaby, but to someone else...

Then we have Amber... But she is not the one

Okay, pay attention to this... Because the episode in which Amber appears, starts with this scene...

Gif credit @wildandwild

Grace says this after Danno confess she's the number one in his list.

And look at what she says, NUMBER TWO ISN'T EVEN CLOSE.

Because when Danny meets Amber, Amber says they're neighbors, because Danny is from Jersey and she's from New York.

So, the second one in Danny's list IS NOT CLOSE TO DANNY. Is not Amber. (Even if I love her, because she's badass and fabulous).

The writers made it wilders, because we will have Steve talking to Grover, saying Danny is IN THE NORTH COAST, WHICH MEANS, HE IS NOT CLOSE TO HIM, DANNY IS FAR AWAY FROM STEVE, AND VICEVERSA, SO, STEVE IS SETTLED HERE AS DANNY SECOND IMPORTANT PERSON IN HIS LIST.

Then we have Danny doubting if he should give this cute woman a chance, because, okay, he's not getting enough attention from his Seal and Gaby is gone. He decides to give it a shot.

Jealousy and Acceptance

Okay, what I'm about to say here is very sad.

When Danny arrives to Steve's house, he asked for Amber, and Danny had this sad expression in his face, but then Steve said Danny was perked up, and Danny mocks saying he doesn't perk up. And there's this exchange of looks, and Danny is smiling, but he's hiding what he is feeling right now. And then... This... (Thanks Trisha)

The following gif set credit belongs to @peggyswilliams

Fine, we have Danny naming situations, these situations are the same that brought Danny and Steve to work together and then to become great partners and best friend's, so, the face is screaming jealousy, but also, sadness. Because Danny is saying here YOU ARE SO KIND WITH YOUR NEW FRIEND, PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU TWO LIKE EACH OTHE.

And this, my friends, is huge!!!!

Danny is recriminating Steve about the way he treated him when they first met, and they way they flirted, and all those golden days full of dates and silliness, PEOPLE THOUGHT WE LIKED EACH OTHER. So, he is saying YOU CONFUSED ME, I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING THERE. And his face is full of sadness and longing.

Danny sees Steve being kind with Grover, and getting close to him, and he is Jealous, and he knows Steve is like this with everyone.

But this one, Danny is sad, and jealous, and disappointed, he is mourning that time when they were something else than friends.

Then Steve's tunes around and Danny face is pure longing. Is amazing, the performance is perfect, and you can read it all over his face and his eyes. His longing for Steve. For those days in which people thought they liked each other.

The I love you, and how Danny perked up after that

Episode 4x19 in which Danny and Steve were trapped when that building crashed, it was very pivotal in the show.

First of all, because Steve attention was again focused on Danny.

Steve thought Danny had died, so when he hears his voice, he runs to him, and holds his hand, with the biggest smile, showing his happiness and relief.

Steve was practically taking care of him, offering him water and trying to take care of the wound. In the middle of the horrible situation, they were bonding again.

Then... When Steve was about to explode that bomb to get them out from there, Danny tried to deliver a message to him, thinking that could be their last hours. But he couldn't, so he said it like a joke, because joking I their defense mechanism to say how they really feel for each other, is their safe place.

So this happened... Danny says, playing around, that he hates Steve, and Steve got the message, he turns around to the bomb, and says I LOVE YOU TOO, BUDDY.

His body language here was showing honesty, but at the same time, he said it natural.

But for Danny, it meant A LOT. Because Steve said before YOU SHOULD BE SURE TO SAY IT, BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE UNSAID.

And this scene showed us it meant more to Danny that to Steve in that moment.

The following gif set belongs to @flipse

Danny looks away, rants, makes circles about the idea he wants to express, because he feels embarrassed. But Steve, Steve is trying to recall what is Danny talking about.

Steve waits... "Come one, you are gonna make me say it?" Steve keeps waiting for him, because he already recalled what Danny is talking about.

The it comes, "I lOVE YOU."

In this moment of the season, it meant a lot to Danny, more than it meant to Steve, because Danny is the one pining for him. Steve is focused on Cath and his problems.

This entire Sun and Moon story will keep going until something huge will happen: THE LIVER TRANSPLANT.

There's a huge change attitude in Danny after 4x19, in 4x20 Danny mocks Steve (with a wink to the mcdanno shipper in their anniversary) but he mocks him about Cath, saying she wants to be away from him. Steve remains speechless for a moment, this is the old Danny there, the Danny that just perked up after a love confession, and is happy, and when Danny is happy, he flirts and plays around with Steve. After this Danny describes Steve like a black cloud that never goes away. Again using the joke to express how he feels about Steve. Their girlfriends are far away from them, but Steve is always there, by his side. Is like if Danny were saying "YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AWAY FROM ME", pointing at the previous joke he made about Cath and Steve.

Then, the I Love You comes again, freely, and comfortable.

There's another HUGE example of Danny playing around with Steve, this time trying to make him jealous, and enjoying his face with please, when he decides to bet for Lou, instead Steve.

Please go check this gifset here.

Look how Danny is deliberately trying to make Steve jealous, and he has immediately success on that.

And this face here...

Gif credit @indiguus

It says everything, Danny is so happy they're back in the game, he is enjoying Steve reaction with such a heart eyes on his boy. He loves him, deeply, and he enjoys to play around with him like this. Is definitely an attitude a lover would take just to watch a pretty mad/jealous face.

Infinitely priceless.

The season ends with Steve saying I LOVE YOU, with romantic meaning to Catherine, pointing us the love triangle, and the current unrequited love in wich Danny is pining for Steve, but at this moment, he is in order be with Catherine.

This was the I LOVE YOU season. Check this post from @five-wow , they also picked up the same analogy to show how important these three words were in season 4.

To Conclude:

Season 4 was the one in which Danny was planning ning for Steve, he even chooses him and Grace instead Gaby. He finds a new love interest, but he doubts I'm initiate something with her at first, because his feelings for Steve, which are unrequited in this season.

The story of the Sun and the Moon, two lovers separated by the day and the night, will end at the end of season 6, when Steve and Danny lives will connect again into a deeper meaning.

Hope you like my rants. See you in the next ones!

If you want to be tagged on these McDanno thoughts, just let me know.

Buenos Aires, October 17th 2020, 6:39 PM

#mcdanno #mcdanno meta #season 4 meta #h50 #h50 meta