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lulubelle814 · 3 months

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Regards, Loki - Chapter 33

Master List

Sigyn: I still can’t believe you insisted on paying for my dress. It’s too much!

James laughed, glad he sent her to the best shop. Misha really knew what she was doing.

Loki: I did it because I wanted to.

Sigyn: You have to let me pay you back.

Loki: It’s my treat.

Sigyn: But I have to do something!

Loki: If you really want to do something, you could send me some of those goodies you keep teasing me with.

Louisa laughed at his response.

Sigyn: That is something I can definitely do. Have you found what you’re going to wear to the gala?

James took a deep breath. The tailor he went to didn’t really understand the theme of the gala (as he had never seen the movie), but he took note of the description of the suit that was given and drew a sketch of it while he was there. Once James approved, the tailor got to work, saying it would take him a week to get the base of it down. James would need to come back to ensure the measurements were correct before he could finish it.

Loki: It’s coming along well. I have a fantastic tailor.

Sigyn: That’s great!

Loki: Any hints as to what your dress looks like?

Louisa laughed.

Sigyn: You’ll just have to wait and see.

James laughed at her response. He wasn’t really expecting her to tell him what the dress looked like and was content to wait until the night of the gala. It wasn’t seeing her dress that he was anticipating either. It was finally getting to meet her, the woman he’d fallen for over emails and texts.

Loki: That’s fair.

Sigyn: It’s not something I ever thought I’d get to wear. It’s not like the dress in the movie.

Loki: It doesn’t have to be. As long as you love it, that’s what matters.

Sigyn: It’s beautiful. I’m afraid to even breathe near it.

Loki: I bet you’ll look stunning.

Sigyn: I hope so. How are you holding up in the aftermath of what happened at your company?

James sighed.

Loki: It’s a mess. I have a team helping to get things sorted out. Legal finalized the charges. With insurance and such, it could take months to get it all resolved, but the people on the team who are working on this are fantastic. It’s made my life so much easier.

Sigyn: I’m so glad. I know it’s taken a huge toll on you between that and your ex. I wish there was something I could do to help.

Loki: You already are. You’ve listened, provided advice, and you even sent me treats. I couldn’t ask for better support.

He knew that wasn’t the entire truth. He wanted more. He wanted Sigyn there with him, holding him, consoling him, and just being there with him in person, but he couldn’t tell her that, at least not yet.

Sigyn: I feel like I could have or should be doing more. You’ve got all that going on and you’ve been helping me on top of that with everything that’s happened to me. To say you are a good man is an understatement.

He sighed.

Loki: I try, but I am very far from perfect.

Sigyn: No one’s perfect. Absolutely no one.

Loki: I have a small thing I would like to confess.

Sigyn: What’s that? You’re not about to tell me you're a Nigerian prince or something…..

James laughed at that remark.

Loki: No, darling. I’m incredibly nervous that when we do meet that you’ll reject me.

Sigyn: You, sir, are a very stupid man.

Loki: Why do you say that?

Sigyn: I feel the issue is the opposite. That you’ll see me and go running for the hills.

Loki: Somehow, I doubt that.

Sigyn: I’m also a very bad dancer.

Loki: Somehow, I doubt that as well, but we’ll manage.

Louisa was glad to know he had confidence in her dancing even though they’d yet to meet, but his response inferred that he could dance. And if he could dance, then he should be able to lead her in a dance or two as long as she doesn’t trip and fall on her face.

Sigyn: Please just don’t let me fall on my face, not in front of everyone.

Loki: I will do my best.

Louisa started thinking again about the baker’s job at the cafe, and the nerves from it stacked on top of the anxiety of meeting Loki were becoming too much.

Sigyn: What if I fail?

Seeing the text, he knew this wasn’t about the gala. She was an amazing baker, and he knew she’d quickly become popular.

Loki: But dear, what if you fly?

She knew he was right. Before she could respond, her phone pinged again.

Loki: It’s okay to be nervous. It’s a new adventure. And personally? I think you will excel more than you think you will.

Sigyn: You really think so?

Loki: I really do.

Taking a deep breath, she sent a message to Brad and Chad, asking if she could test out baking for their cafe to see how well it went. Only seconds later did she receive an enthusiastic yes which helped her feel better. Loki’s idea to do a test run rather than a full commitment was genius.

Even though it was late, she decided to bake at least one or two things to help calm her nerves. Checking what she had in her cupboards, several things were pulled out, and the mixing began. Two hours later, she had 1 ready with the other still in the oven. As she was pulling the last pan out, there was a frantic knock at her door. Once she put the pan down safely, she went to see who it was and found an extremely excited Chad.

“I’m so glad you said yes!!”

She chuckled. “Technically I said yes to a test run.”

“That’s still a yes.” His nose went up in the air. “What are you working on?

She led him to the kitchen to find a few goodies, and Chad helped himself. She didn’t even bother to try and stop him. “I made those for your cafe. Well, really, I made them to try to soothe my anxiety, but they’re also for you and Brad to put in the cafe if you want.” He furiously nodded while stuffing his face. “That is, if there’s any left for your customers.”

He looked up at her. “Probably a good idea.” He stopped eating the goodies. “Cora told me you guys figured out the dress?”

She pulled out her phone and showed him a picture. “They’re doing a couple of alterations, but it’ll be ready in time.”

“A fabulous dress for a fabulous lady! I’m excited to see you in it.” He hugged her.

“Oh! Hall pass came in again today. So yummy!” Chad gave a wistful sigh.

“Was he with that lady again?”

He shook his head. “Nope! He looked pretty upset. But even his upset face is hot.” Chad used his hand to pretend to cool himself down. “If things don’t work out between you and the god of mischief, we should set you up with hall pass because if I can’t have him, at least I can oggle him on a regular basis.

Taglist: @huntress-artemiss @jaidenhawke

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transcendentalmaggot · 2 years

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I’m reluctantly hopeful that I may have made some positive progress in accessing medical care for both my birth defect and my mental health issues. I met with the pediatric urology head of the newly formed transitional care program for those with my complex congenital conditions. He’s switched me to a more effective kidney medication with fewer side effects. While the wait times since COVID have been baffling they were able to set up appointments for me to have my routine testing done that I’ve been unable to access for years. He even accepts Medicaid. He listened to me, let me vent (even about a colleague that I later learned is a personal friend), and made me feel seen by the behemoth benefactor of human suffering that is the medical system.

My pain management doctor was also able to get me an appointment on the spot to see their resident doctor that specializes in both pain management and psychiatry for those dealing with these issues. I wanted to discuss trying out the nasal spray version of ketamine therapy as I am completely unable to afford the IV protocols for any of my conditions (the lowest each session runs for is $450 and none of it is covered by insurance as it’s not fully FDA approved). However, the nasal spray is covered and I was able to get a appointment for next week.

If they ever manage to approve the protocol for peripheral neuropathy I think that would turn my life around entirely or at least improve things. But that requires a 1-2 night hospitalization every other month and at the moment requires a $2600 assessment with their own psychiatrist (even though I’ve had infusions with no adverse effects before). Then each infusion is $1,500 a pop without considering what the hospital might charge.

Between despairing over each customer service job posting that requires I be able to lift 50 lbs. on a frequent basis, crawl, bend, and perform acrobatic acts to answer phones and emails so the company can legally discriminate against the disabled to those that want to pay me minimum wage and purchase all of my own equipment (before you assume it’s a scam this is standard practice now that remote work is more common even after confirming with the companies directly) I have nothing beyond a despondent shell in flesh form resigned to a hopefully short life of unmitigated hell.

I love that part of my assessment for the ketamine nasal spray was a long interrogation over whether I’m experiencing suicidal ideation as it’s one of the primary reasons they can convince insurance to cover it without a fight. In what conceivable universe would anyone in that position would admit to such thoughts to someone who would commit you without a second thought? I know too many friends and family who have been abused and assaulted in such facilities. None have ever reported receiving any level of care - it’s a glorified yet somewhat more gentle prison that exists to protect medical professionals from liability and play babysitter for anyone who might be in that person’s life.

I cannot bring myself to hope but it’s something. It’s more than I had yesterday. I’m still caught in a rip tide unable to break free or work past my feelings of terror whenever I have to be around other people. My avoidance is so bad I don’t think I’ve left the house for anything but my future sister-in-law’s bridal shower and doctors appointments since June.

#and no I don’t want to hear about how the 20 grand a month facility your parents sent you to was helpful #most of us have no such support system #I’m considered abundantly wealthy because my dad’s covers my state insurance premium #venting #being poor and sick and alone has made it iimpossible for me to envision a life worth living

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huggiesforholly · 2 years

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Second Opinion: Take Two

"The doctor wants to do a mammogram" It hadn't even been a month since we last went to Dana Farber in Boston and we were back again. And it hadn't even been two months since I last had a mammogram and I had to get another one. I had never had a mammogram before this year so I thought after getting one, I'd be good for a while. That assumption was clearly wrong.

For me, going to any doctor is nerve racking. Even if I've seen that particular doctor many times before. There's a condition called health anxiety and I definitely suffer from that. But more on that later. Going to a doctor in a big city is even more overwhelming. There's the drive and traffic to deal with to get there on time, the parking situation to figure out, finding the correct place to check in and which floor you're supposed to go to, and then the waiting. It's a lot to handle before even seeing the doctor. Our second time going to Dana Farber went smoother than the first since we knew a little more of what to expect but I didn't anticipate additional testing to be done.

We met with a very nice surgeon to discuss what they recommend as the best options for when it comes time for me to get surgery. They suggested that we have this consult sooner rather than later after starting chemotherapy so we would have plenty of time to figure out our plan. It's always reassuring to have another professional set of eyes look at imaging and your body. She did a breast exam to confirm the size and location of the tumor and also checked the lymph node area of concern. Then we went over my medical history for the umpteenth time and all of my imaging. After that, my surgery options were laid out followed by lots and lots of questions from us.

We had thought that my choices were either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. Lumpectomy would only remove part of the breast while a mastectomy would remove the entire breast. For my type of cancer, either option had about the same chance (slim) of recurrence. It turns out that with the size and location of my tumor, a lumpectomy was pretty much off the table. So now my choices were now mastectomy or a double mastectomy. Again, either option had about the same chance of recurrence and recovery would be the same. This is where all the questions came in. Thinking ahead if we ever wanted to have another baby, would I be able to breastfeed? If I got a mastectomy, I would only be able to breastfeed on the one side and with a double mastectomy I wouldn't be able to at all. Would I have any sensation or feeling in my breast after the surgery once implants were placed? The answer was no. So I could keep one breast so I could still have feeling and breastfeed again if we had another baby or if I could have a new set of breasts that would be even and perky for life. Or I could just remain a "flatty" (not get breast implants). The surgeon said that because I had breast cancer, any subsequent surgeries on that area that were needed to lift or adjust any lopsidedness throughout my life would be approved by insurance. And then there was the topic of nipple sparing. A nipple-sparing mastectomy leaves in place most of the healthy breast skin, the nipple and the areola. Only the tissue contained within the envelope of skin around the breast is removed. In order to have this operation, your cancer must not be in the nipple or tissue just underneath the nipple so I'm not sure if I'd be a candidate for that. It would basically preserve the nipple for reconstructive double mastectomy. All of these choices to consider! It's a good thing we did have so much time to think about it. Then there was the decision of where to have the surgery done- locally or at Dana Farber. Because of the amount of times we'd have to go back for check-ups and having a baby to take care of, we're leaning toward just having the operation done locally. But again, we have plenty of time to figure that out.

The surgeon wanted an additional ultrasound done on my armpit where the affected lymph nodes are. The MRI that I previously had done showed the breast but only a part of the armpit so she wanted to see more of that. During my biopsy, small metal clips (tissue markers) were put in to mark the exact site of the biopsy so that a doctor can find it again easily if they need to. I had three clips put in: two in the breast and one in the armpit. Apparently there are different types of clips and some are easier to see than others. The surgeon was concerned that I had the type of clips that were harder to see so she wanted to do the ultrasound as well to determine if they would need to put another clip in. This was important to do since I am getting chemotherapy before surgery to shrink the cancer and the clips are placed so that the cancer can still be found and removed at the operation. Thankfully they were able to get us into imaging right away so we wouldn't have to take another trip to Boston so soon.

I figured once we found the floor and location to get the ultrasound, it would be a quick process. Wrong again. But I was happy to get it done that same day so the waiting was worth it. It took quite a while once I got changed into my 'ball gown' to be called back into a room and because of Covid guidelines, I had to wait by myself. I locked my phone with all my other belongings in a locker, of course, so I couldn't update Eric and I was beyond fidgety. When I finally got into a room and was propped up into the correct position, I was still left waiting for the action to happen. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse came in and said the doctor wanted to do a mammogram first to get a better look at those clips. This was of concern for me because I've been trying to dry up my milk supply and I hadn't pumped in quite a while at that point so I was feeling pretty full. I did bring my pump but it was in the car and it would have taken me quite a while to go there to get it. The nurse decided that I didn't need to pump in order for them to get the imaging that they needed so I proceeded to the mammogram room. Not only were the angles that they needed to get very uncomfortable but the whole experience was extremely awkward. With every x-ray that was taken, milk squirted all over the floor and the mammogram machine. The nurse made me feel better by telling me funny breastfeeding stories and then said "at least it wasn't blood that came out". I guess that can happen?! Anyways... once the mammogram was done I went back to the other room to get my ultrasound done finally. Once the ultrasound was over, I had to wait again for the surgeon we met with to look at the imaging. Much to my relief, the clips that were placed in me were the kind that they were hoping for (easier ones to see/ find) and they determined that they didn't need to put anymore in. Their findings pretty much matched what my local breast care center had found. Even though it took longer than I would have liked and the lack of updates worried Eric, I'm glad that the doctors were so thorough. Now the ball was in our court as to what I wanted to do in terms of type of surgery and what location I wanted to have the surgery done at. Decisions, decisions.

#breast cancer #cancer diagnosis #second opinion #danafarber #road trip #new mom #mastectomy #chemotherapy #lumpectomy #double mastectomy #keep fighting

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barid-bel-medar · 3 years

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More of a real life ramble than anything else but...

This year has been weird. At the start of the year it did not look like it would be a good one. I’m not going to touch on shit like the Capital Riots, but more in light of the fact I had a goddamn seizure through my medication. That was theorized to be a result of me just being so stressed out over things like the pandemic, and the fact that at that point I’d been out of work since June 2020. Pandemic paranoia to some extent started to drop once both me and my grandma got vaccinated (I qualified pretty early due to the epilepsy; I actually got a weird look when I arrived for my appointment due to how young I am and then mentioned the epilepsy and got an understanding nod). The only good thing was with the Pandemic Unemployment Act for once I qualified for unemployment insurance (since my previous jobs had been contractor positions I didn’t which is BS), since it had been changed so that contractors/temps could qualify. None of my job applications seemed to be working, I was barely getting interviews, and it was just frustrating.

Then one day in March I get an email from an employment agency I’d sent my resume to in the past but never heard from. It was an email to ask me about if I would be interested in a two month temp contract to work at a small bank helping process PPP loans. I said yes, curious and frankly bored if nothing else. To be honest I wasn’t even entirely sure it was legitimate, since that does happen at times. That discussion went well, and I was then set up to do an actual interview with the bank the next morning.

I was given a verbal offer by the bank within five minutes of my interview. Two thirds of my interview was the HR person going over what my specific duties would be. I had the official offer letter in my email the following morning, did all sorts of paperwork, and by Friday of that week I was working at the bank (remotely). Did my one day training, and then started to process loans.

So initially I was on one team, that dealt directly with applicants, and being supervised by someone from the credit division. It seems however, that I was not supposed to be on that team. To some extent it had been a matter of me getting some degree of experience (I assume), but I’d actually been supposed to be on the team run by the head of risk management that dealt with brokers rather than direct clients. My previous supervisor tried to convince HR not to move me in terms of teams (she was very satisfied with my work), even offering up another team member. HR said ‘no’ and the following week (my third week at the bank), I was now on the brokerage team.

Now for that first week my boss actually wasn’t there (he’d been on vacation), and I was under the supervision of the CFO. Lovely man, did enjoy working with him and I get along well with him. Made a few errors, but I picked up quickly what I was doing wrong and fixed it. Actually lead to the semi-irritating aspect of realizing some of the temps/interns who’d been there months still hadn’t picked up some of that shit...But next week my actual boss came back.

First thing Monday morning was a meeting with him. He’d gotten progress reports on me from both the prior supervisors and HR and had been pleased. I’d demonstrated that I could pick things up quickly and fix errors. I was also willing to reach out if I felt I was missing something or needed help. So I chat with him and make the off handed reference to how I was looking for full time, permanent employment. Didn’t really think much of saying it, more was as a forewarning that if I found something I’d take it and likely be leaving very quickly. He got a very interested look at his face, but at that moment didn’t say anything else. It made me wonder, and there had been a part of me already wondering that if I did good enough job with the loans if they’d keep me on long term. I figured though if that did happen, I wouldn’t be asked anything until basically the end of my two month contract.

So here’s what I didn’t realize. My boss had recently convince the bank president to let him hire on an assistant/team member. Previously the bank president didn’t really believe him on just how overworked he was, but PPP (where everyone at the bank basically had to do it on top of their regular duties) made the president realize just how bad it was. So boss now has approval, but hadn’t yet been allowed to post the job.

And that’s apparently where I came in.

Again, I’d been getting praise, demonstrated interest in what my boss’s regular job was, and also had a skill set that could easily be transitioned to doing risk management (my background is in libraries/archives/information governance). I also proved over the course of that week I could easily handle the PPP workload and that again, I picked up new skills easily. I got along well with my boss, and did things also like give him heads up when I thought something was going weird.

So Friday of that week comes, and my boss, maybe a half an hour before my work day was over asks me the question I was not expecting. “What would your expected salary be for a full time position?” Again, I’m figuring even if heard something, I’d be hearing it closer to the end of my contract. Not barely a month into it. I spent the weekend figuring out the salary range I should ask for, asking my sister’s partner what he thought I should ask (he works risk management at a much larger bank but still had an idea on what I should ask for). Monday comes, I give the range, and from there my boss spends like the next two weeks practically chasing down the president to set things up.

Did have to do an ‘interview’ for the job with the CFO and my boss, but honestly the interview with my boss was mostly us chatting about random shit, and the meeting with CFO was more just verifying certain things (also he was nice and took the generous look at my previous work history as ‘they may just like doing short term jobs’ [I in fact very much do not]). A few days later I got my verbal job offer, and a few days after that my official letter. Part of why it took a bit was due to the temp contract and there were some things there apparently. But I now had a full time, perm job that gave me a salary I was very happy with and basically all the benefits I wanted (the only one I didn’t get is tuition reimbursement and I know HR is trying to convince the President and bank owner they should do it too; also I admittedly already have a Masters degree, but depending on how much I like this job [which I am] I may try to do either a Masters of Legal Studies or an MBA).

Part of also why was apparently due to PPP. They didn’t exactly want to transition me over to the permanent job until it was closer to over, which they expected to happen by late month. Then, as some of my may know, PPP ran out of funds faster than expected. My boss and I had chatted about it, but both of us were still expecting at least a week longer than what ended up happening. Which then lead to a different issue at that point; HR wasn’t quite ready for me to do all my paperwork stuff, but since they’d done my offer and the like what ended up happening was I was kept on the temp contract, but started my new duties. Also there was apparently a certain ‘we get hit by a fee’ thing there, if they took a temp ‘too soon’.

In a very technically sense there was still PPP stuff going on. They were starting to set up things like the forgiveness program, and dealing with applicants complaining over rejections or that they had applied and gotten nothing since the funds had run out (and there wasn’t much we could do there). However my boss didn’t want me doing that. He wanted me to focus on figuring out how to do my new job, which meant reading up on a bunch of stuff. Which was nice since I didn’t have to deal with applicant complaints, of which there were a lot.

So I started to transition over to doing risk stuff, learning, training and like experimenting with writing policies and procedural stuff (though looking back at that I still don’t really get why he was having me do that but whatever). He started me doing the real reason he’d hired me in June, doing IT due diligence reviews. The reviews on average take me at least a day and a half (there’s generally a lot of information and I have to read all of it and write up a report). First time I did one he assured me ‘don’t worry if you mess up, this is your first time’. Did it, spent a day or so paranoid, and then we had a meeting to discuss it. Apparently I did it perfectly which delighted him since it meant I could start doing it seriously.

And it’s just been nice. I’m working something I find interesting. I have a boss who has the view of ‘work to live, not live to work’ which he views as an incredibly unhealthy mindset. Meaning if something comes up like say, visiting my parents and I’ve been able to do half days so I can get to their house, including this past Friday (thought that was also partially a result of how messed up public transit due to Ida but that’s a different matter); he actually said I could head out Thursday but since public transit was such a mess it wasn’t viable (my train line was down). Back during PPP the one broker kept annoying him by emailing/calling him at fuck o’clock and not respecting that it was after work hours. My boss also trusts me to attend things like meetings that are with senior management, and I suspect he’s starting to groom me to take over his position (especially based on a comment from last week).

It’s just very weird to realize this year started so shitty, showed no signs it would really get better and yet now all this. And it’s just really nice.

#real life ramblings

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floorbe · 4 years

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Rock Lee x Reader “Thorns of a Lotus”

Warning(s): Hanahaki Disease, angst, fluff (at the end), angst with a happy ending, cursing

Summary: Okay, yeah, you have a crush on Rock Lee. But he likes Sakura, so you ignore it. What’s the worst that could happen?

Pairing(s): romantic Rock Lee x Reader

Word count: 5,739

It all starts with you feeling congested. It’s not obvious, really, like how nobody pays attention to a slightly stuffed nose. And it doesn’t bother you at first, so you don’t mind it. Except now it’s been weeks and you’ve slowly gotten more congested. You didn’t notice it at first, it had been moving so slowly that it just felt normal, until someone points out how much you’ve been clearing your throat lately. It makes you stop for a moment, but you just convince yourself you’re coming down with a cold. You don’t start to worry until today.

You wake up congested, as you always seem to be lately. You stretch and get out of bed, starting your daily routine. While eating your breakfast, you clear your throat softly and ponder what to do for the day. After contemplating between being lazy or actually training, (being lazy sounded so nice right now... but what would your Sensei think if you lazed around?) you begrudgingly decide to go to the training grounds. You don’t have any missions today, so you figure you’ll get a head start on some training methods you’d recently picked up.

When you get there, you find Rock Lee. You aren’t surprised, it seemed like Lee was always training, even when he wasn’t at the training grounds. You almost turn around to find a different spot, you don’t want to bother him, but he notices you. He energetically greets you, waving you over, inviting you to join him in his training. You ignore the way your heart jumps, and you clear your throat before walking over to join him, smiling widely. Had you gotten more congested, or was that just you?

“Good morning Y/N! How are you on this beautiful morning?” Lee beams at you, placing his hands on his hips.

“I’m good, Lee! How are you?” You hold back from clearing your throat again, rolling your shoulders back.

“I am well, thank you for asking!” Lee swings one of his arms in front of him, stretching it out. “Would you like to spar with me?” You nod, raising your arms above your head to stretch before starting. You spend a couple of minutes stretching and warming up before Lee springs up, hopping between feet and asking if you’re ready to start.

“I’m ready! Let’s go!” You exclaim, and almost immediately Lee lunges towards you, leg flying up to kick you in the jaw. You let out a shriek of surprise, throwing your body into a back bend in order to avoid him. You quickly flip over, dragging your feet to flip yourself around before launching yourself at Lee’s still airborne body. He grunts as your fist hits his side, swiveling to jab at you. You duck your head to avoid his fist, jumping away from him. Lee lands easily on his feet, turning to face you with his hand raised. You move into an offensive stance, eyes flickering around him, ready to attack if necessary.

Your sparring match continues on for a couple of minutes, mostly composed of Lee trying to kick you and you just barely moving out of the way. You’ve landed enough hits on him to see him falter, and him you. You raise your wrist to wipe away the blood oozing from your nose, panting heavily. Lee suddenly sprints towards you, and you can see him begin to form a lunge to spring himself upwards. Preparing yourself for possibly his hurricane attack, he surprises you by suddenly ducking and lunging towards you, punching you straight in the chest.

The air in your lungs leaves you as you’re hurtled backwards, and in a vain attempt to stabilize yourself your hand shoots out to grab Lee’s wrist, pulling him down with you. You land on your back with a thud, releasing Lee’s wrist and groaning quietly at the spikes of pain throughout your body. You hear Lee let out a small shout and open your eyes just as his hands slam on the ground on either side of your head. Lee’s face stops inches from your own. Your eyes widen as you realize that you’d just forced Lee into pinning you to the ground. Lee is pinning you to the ground. Lee is- wow, okay. It’s suddenly very hard to breathe.

Your face feels like it’s on fire as you stare up into Lee’s eyes, both of you breathing heavily. It feels like minutes go by as Lee stares at you in surprise, eyebrows furrowing slightly as his eyes flick around your face. If you had any coherent thoughts right now, they would be: 1. Lee is pinning you to the ground. 2. Geez, how long has it been since you’ve both been here? It feels like it’s been a long time. 3. Why does Lee look so confused? 4. Man, you’re so flustered it feels like you can’t breathe. Like it actually feels like you can’t b-

Your hand suddenly flies up to cover your mouth as you let loose a spurt of harsh coughs. Lee seems to finally snap out of his thoughts, realizing fully the situation you’re both in. He springs off of you, kneeling next to you as you cough violently into your hand. God, what is in your throat? It feels like something is stuck in there.

“Are you okay?! Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I hit you too hard! Please, forgive me!” Lee cries, arms flailing wildly as he tries to think of a way to help you. He settles on rubbing your back as you sit up, shaking you head at him to try and dismiss his apologies. Unfortunately, his hand rubbing your back only sets loose more coughs, and he retracts his hand, biting his lip in fear.

Your coughs slowly die down, leaving you breathing heavily with the distinct feeling of something in your throat. You clear your throat, trying to dislodge whatever is making you so uncomfortable, but it doesn’t seem to help. Your breathing finally evens, and Lee cautiously moves to sit next to you, “Are you alright?”

You turn to look at him, giving him a small smile, voice coming out a little hoarse, “Yeah. I’ve been congested lately, so maybe you hitting my chest just set it off or something.”

Lee furrows his brows once again, “I am not sure, Y/N. Those coughs sounded very painful. I do not think my punch was strong enough to provoke that.” You shakily stand, Lee’s hands hovering near you to catch you if you fall.

You shrug your shoulders, “It’s probably nothing, Lee. A combination between a cold I’m developing and the sparring.” Lee doesn’t look convinced, but before he can say anything else you cut him off. “I think I’m gonna head back for a little bit of rest, actually. I’m still a little shaky.”

Lee nods, approving of your choice, “I will walk you back to insure you make it home safely!”

“I think you should see a medical ninja for a check up, at least,” Lee insists, “if it turns out to be something severe, you could be bedridden for months!” You nearly groan. Lee has been pestering you about seeking help the entire walk back. As annoyed as you are, it makes your heart flutter how concerned he seems to be about you. Your hand moves to rub your throat as you clear it again.

“Really, Lee. I think I just need some water, then I’ll be-” you’re cut off when Lee suddenly snaps his head forward, a pink blush hinting at his cheeks. You look at him confusedly, and follow his gaze to see Sakura. Of course. Where Lee had just been concerned over you, you suddenly cease to exist when Sakura is around. Just like always.

Lee rushes over to Sakura as you stifle another cough. “Sakura! You look positively radiant today!” Lee compliments her. Great. Now you have to listen to him ask her out in his “youthful metaphors” and try to ignore how your heart stings. Just like you always do.

“Oh, thank you, Lee!” Sakura thanks him, smiling. Lee’s blush darkens, spouting out more compliments to her. A pit forms in your stomach as you listen to him babble praises to her. Your chest constricts with a sudden suppressed cough, and you breathe in deeply trying to hold it in, but it only causes it to harshly force itself from you. Your hand covers your mouth as you feel whatever was in your throat finally come out. You pull your hand away to find... a flower petal? What the hell?

“Y/N, are you okay?” You hear Sakura ask you, and you quickly crush the petal in your fist, moving it down to your side, turning to them with a smile. You really don’t want to talk to them for much longer, and showing them this petal will only force you to converse with them and painfully endure more of Lee’s blatant pining. (You wish he would pine over you like that, you think, but immediately banish the thought.)

“Yeah,” you say hoarsely, clearing your throat before continuing, “I’m just a bit congested.”

“Ah! Actually, Sakura, you are a medical ninja! Y/N, you sh-”

“It’s fine, Lee,” you cut him off, smile becoming more forced, “Just a cough.” You take a deep breath, holding back another cough, “I’m actually going to head home now, I’ll see you guys later.” You turn and walk away, not waiting for their response. Once you’re far enough away from them, you cautiously open up your hand again. Why the hell did you cough up a flower petal? Maybe you swallowed one during training? You sigh, shaking your head with a small cough before shoving the petal in your pocket and continuing home.

Okay, maybe this isn’t just a cough. It’s been a few weeks since the first petal incident. You’d convinced yourself that you had just accidentally swallowed a petal somehow, I mean, what else could it have been? But your coughs only grew worse as days went on. You started coughing up more flower petals. It started getting harder to breathe, too, and your strength was slowly draining from you. While weeks ago you were able to stay active most of the day, you could barely take a twenty minutes of training before needing to rest.

Your friends were getting concerned. You had stopped showing up to most hang outs with them, and when you did you either left soon or looked sick the whole time. You couldn’t train with them without needing to stop soon after. The most concerned, you think, is Lee, who’s seen your coughing fits first hand the most. You’ve realized that they seem to trigger whenever Lee is around. You doubt it’s Lee himself, you have no clue what type of illness would cause you to get sick around one specific person (unless you’re allergic to Lee?). Plus, he’s been hanging around you a lot more lately, now that you think of it. It’s likely just coincidence; obviously if he’s hanging out with you the most he’ll see them the most.

He continuously pesters you about going to see a medical ninja, get a check up, anything, please, he will even come with you if you’re scared, and you know you should at this point. It’s only getting worse, and you assume it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. While you’ve managed to keep the petals a secret from everyone by coughing into tissues or into your hand, there’s only so much you can hide. If you keep coughing up more and more (the amount seems to be increasing, which is really scaring you) eventually you won’t be able to hide it, no matter how many tissues you have with you.

The final crack in your decision to go to the hospital is when you’re sitting at home, and suddenly you can’t breathe, more than usual. You choke, pounding on your chest to try and force the petals blocking your airway. You manage to dislodge them rather easily, thankfully, and cough up nine (yes, nine) bloody petals. You freak out, the petals have never been bloody before, and you’ve never coughed up so many. You struggle to stand up, stumbling to the door, still panting lightly. You quickly make your way to the hospital, ignoring the worried looks from the people around you.

In a stroke of luck, the only friend you run into on the way is Hinata, who gladly helps you to the hospital after seeing how panicked you look. As you walk in and Hinata quietly explains that she thinks you need help right away, (you tried to tell them but ended up coughing again. You try and thank Hinata with your eyes, and she seems to get it, because she smiles at you) and the nurse quickly ushers you to a nearby room. Hinata seems to read your mind again, as she promises not to tell anyone about this, but asks softly to please tell everyone if it’s a huge problem. You don’t get to respond as you’re pushed further down the hallway, her face vanishing from view as you enter the hospital room and are helped onto the bed.

A doctor comes in rather quickly, asking you what the problem is. You go to answer her but end up hacking, clutching your chest as a few bloody petals flutter onto the bedsheets. You hear the doctor gasp, rushing over to inspect the petals. “What-? Did you accidentally swallow a flower?” You shake your head, explaining how you’ve been coughing these up for weeks, now. You’re sure you haven’t swallowed any flowers. She picks up the petals and places them in a bag, placing them on the table before grabbing her stethoscope to hear your breathing.

“It sounds like something is blocking your airway,” she murmurs, moving the cold metal along your chest, “Are there still more petals in there?” She seems to be asking herself more than you. “I’ve never seen something like this before... Excuse me for a moment, I’m going to go get a second opinion.” She leaves the room and you’re left sitting there in silence. She had never seen this before. What is this? Are you going to die? As you’re starting to panic, the doctor comes back with another doctor.

The new doctor comes over to inspect you, looking at the plastic bag on the table. She, too, feels around your chest and makes the same comments. “I’ve- I’ve never even heard of something like this!” And off they go, to find yet another doctor. And then he comes in, and rinse repeat, off to find another doctor. Your panic is slowly rising with each new doctor and nurse that enters the room, each one just as bewildered as the last. Has no one really ever heard of something like this? Are you the first one? Oh, God, are they going to name this disease after you?!

“Maybe we should get Lady Hokage,” one finally suggests, “if anyone in the village knows what this is, it would be her.” They all murmur in agreement, and one rushes off to go find her. You sigh as they all slowly file out of the room, giving you sympathetic smiles in hopes of comforting you in some way. You’re, again, left alone in this cold hospital room with nothing but your thoughts. A lone petal flutters out of your mouth, and you nearly start crying. You hadn’t even felt that one come up, that’s how normal this had become to you. How much longer were you going to have to go through this? Are you going to suffocate because of these stupid little-

“Y/N,” Tsunade calls out, entering the room, “How are you feeling?”

“Not good,” you mumble, unshed tears still in your eyes. One drips down your face as Tsunade holds up the bag with the collected pieces, murmuring to herself, “These look like lotus petals...” Her eyes widen slightly, moving towards you to feel your chest with her hands. “It feels like there are flowers all throughout your lungs...”

“C-can you get them out?” you ask shakily.

“If you have what I think you have, then yes. There are two ways you can get these flowers out,” Tsunade says, leaning back and crossing her arms. “First, let me explain what I think.”

“O-okay.”

“What you have is called Hanahaki Disease. It’s written in old medical ninja practice books, but since there’s been no cases within the last few hundred years, it was written off as a myth. It’s the only disease I’ve ever heard of that involves flowers in this way.”

“W-what does that mean? I grow flowers in my lungs?”

“Yes, the patient grows flowers in their lungs in response to unrequited romantic feelings.”

Unrequited romantic feelings? A picture of Lee flashes in your mind and you frown.

“It starts with a few petals, but slowly grows more and suffocates the patient more over the course of months, sometimes years. Eventually the patient is coughing up full flowers, and if not treated, it’s fatal.”

Your heart jumps at the word fatal.

“The flowers often relate to the patients love interest in some way, causing the disease to kill the patient quicker if the flowers have dangerous elements, such as thorns. Lucky for you, you seem to be coughing up lotuses, which don’t have anything.”

The lotus of Konoha blooms twice! Of course. What a sick irony. Lee, one of the people you couldn’t imagine ever intentionally hurting you, is now indirectly killing you. With the thought of Lee, you start up coughing once again, and suddenly the reason why you seemed to have fits around him the most is clear. Obviously being around Lee would make it worse.

Tsunade rubs your back soothingly as your hacking dies down, “H-how do I get rid of them?”

“Well, you confess to whoever your unrequited feelings are for-” okay, that seems painful but bearable in the long run, “-and if they return the feelings, the flowers will disappear.” You take a moment, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath as tears fill your eyes again. Of course. It was never easy, was it? Tsunade rubs your back again as sobs shake your form. Lee likes Sakura, not you, and that’s pretty damn clear from every single interaction they’ve had compared to how Lee acts when he’s talking to you.

“Hey, hold on. There’s a second option,” she reminds you, and you wipe your tears away as you turn to look at her hopefully. “The second option is a surgery, I would have to open up your lungs and remove the flowers directly. The only permanent consequence of this option is losing feelings for whoever the cause of the disease is forever, and possibly problems with your lungs.” So you’d lose feelings for Lee forever? A pang of sorrow shoots through you, but you shove it down. Losing feelings for Lee is better than death, you harshly remind yourself. You could handle that, and you could handle lung problems if it meant living.

“I-I’ll do the surgery.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want to try confessing before-?”

“I already know they don’t feel the same.” Tsunade pauses, blinking in surprise before a solemn look crosses her face. She nods.

“I understand. It’ll take me at least a day to research the disease again to safely perform the procedure with the least physical repercussions; since I thought it was a myth, I didn’t look much into it...” You nod. “Are you able to stand? Since you’re not coughing up full flowers yet, you should be okay to go home, however...”

You somewhat shakily stand taking a moment to regain your balance. “I’ll be fine going home. I can still walk, and I’m alright when they aren’t around. As long as I avoid them until you’re ready I should be fine.”

Tsunade nods warily, “Alright. But if you start throwing up full flowers, come to me immediately. We’ll need to start the procedure as soon as possible.” You nod and make your way out of the hospital room.

Just as you’re exiting the hospital, you run into Naruto. “Huh? Y/N? What are you doing coming out of the hospital?” he asks, rubbing the back of his head. “Did you finally take our advice and get a check up?” When you nod, Naruto’s face turns more serious, “Is it anything bad?” You hesitate, considering telling him. It would be nice to talk to someone... but if you told him chances are he’d tell everyone else. You decide against it. You’re going to get surgery to fix it soon, anyways, so there’s no need to worry anyone.

“No, nothing bad. Just a really bad cold,” you weakly chuckle, and his face lights up. “What are you doing here, anyway, Naruto?”

“Oh, I’m looking for Grandma Tsunade. Shizune told me she would be here,” he shrugs. “I’m glad it’s nothing bad, Y/N! Everyone will be relieved to hear it, y’know!” You smile and nod, bidding him goodbye as you continue your walk home.

You try to avoid any routes you know your friends are likely to be on, you don’t want to risk running into Lee, even if the chances are low. He’s usually training right now. You clear your throat softly and turn your thoughts away from him. You instead enjoy the bustling scenery of the village, laughing quietly at the kids around you playing ninja. It takes a bit longer than usual, but you finally reach your home.

Unlocking the door, you quickly enter and shut it, sighing. You’re exhausted. When aren’t you exhausted anymore? You trudge to your bedroom, flopping onto your suddenly overly comfortable bed and drifting off almost immediately.

Someone is knocking on your door. No, someone is pounding on your door. You groan, rubbing your eyes as you try to roll out of bed. How long were you out? It’s still bright out, so maybe a couple of hours? You grumble as you make your way to the living room, “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming!” You have no idea who would be knocking on your door. It’s rare anyone ever comes to your home without you expecting them. Yawning, you swing open the door to see... Lee. Fuck.

“Ah! Hello, Y/N!” You cough. “I apologize for showing up unannounced, however Naruto has told me the good news!” Good news... you don’t remember any good news. Your mind can’t keep up, and it’s not helping that your throat is slowly constricting. He must see the confusion on your face, because he explains, “Your illness is nothing but a bad cold! I am relieved. I was very worried about you!” A few more coughs force their way out. You struggle to keep your eyes on him, and he must take your obviously weakened look as nothing but a part of the supposed cold.

“Once I heard it was nothing but a cold, I-” he pauses, bringing out a thermos from behind his back that you hadn’t noticed he was hiding before. He holds it out to you, a distinct blush forming on his cheeks, “I made soup for you!” Wow. That’s... that’s adorable. The blush on his cheeks (he had never blushed around you before, not without Sakura there), coupled with the fact that he went out of his way to make you soup... your heart flutters.

Unfortunately, Lee had unknowingly triggered the final stage of your ailment by doing this. You suddenly start violently hacking, collapsing onto your knees. The petals you were holding in your mouth before fall onto the ground. Lee frantically kneels beside you, talking about something you can’t understand. Everything is suddenly blurry, and he sounds distant. You feel like you’re coughing up something huge, something so huge that it’s blocking your airway completely. You can’t breathe at all, desperately pounding on your chest. You’re heaving, tears falling from your eyes as your throat stretches painfully.

Then, Lee puts his hand on your back to try and soothe your violent heaving, and it causes the most forceful cough you’ve ever had. Whatever is in your throat inches its way into your mouth, allowing you only small amounts of air. You cry harder as your throat is rubbed raw from how painful it is. With one last heave, the object falls onto the floor beneath you. Dripping with blood is a fully bloomed lotus.

Lee is still talking, the the tone of his voice is noticeably panicked, but you still can’t quite make out his words. “Hospital,” you croak before slumping forward, passing out.

Your throat and chest have never been in more pain. You open your eyes only to immediately shut them, the bright light too much of a contrast to adjust to quickly. You blink a few more times before you begin to make out what’s around you. You’re back in a hospital room. Looking out the window, it’s still light outside. How long had you been out this time? It doesn’t seem like much time has passed.

Hearing approaching footsteps, you turn to the door to see Lee entering with a cup of what you assume is water. He’s looking at the cup, eyebrows furrowed, and he only looks at you after he’s turned back around from closing the door. Meeting your gaze, he gasps and nearly drops the cup rushing over to you. He places the cup down on the desk beside you, gently grasping your shoulder in relief, “Y/N! You are awake! How are you-”

You interrupt him by coughing yet again, yanking your shoulder away from him harshly. His face contorts into a hurt expression, and guilt fills you. Coughing harder, you turn away. Lee’s gaze turns solemn, but there’s something else in his expression you can’t pick out. “Lady Hokage told me about your condition. And your decision,” he says quietly, handing you the cup of, you were right, water. You take a sip as he tries to find the right words, “Why... Why did you not try confess to your loved one? There is a chance this could have been avoided.”

“I know they don’t feel that way about me,” you shrug numbly, suppressing a cough, “So it wouldn’t really matter.”

“But how do you know?” Lee asks, a hint of anger in his voice, “Forgive me, I do not understand. If they do feel the same, you would not be suffering in this hospital room right now! To not even try to save yourself before resorting to a more severe method that could leave physical repercussions is-!” His voice had been slowly gaining volume, tears glossing over his eyes as he became more passionate.

“They like someone else,” you cut him off, pausing to cough again. “They’ve always had feelings for someone else and they’ve made that quite clear.”

“But you did not try! There would be no harm in trying, even if they do like someone else!” Lee insists. He really didn’t get it, did he?

“Lee, please, just drop it-”

“No! I am sorry, but I cannot drop this! I refuse to allow you to put yourself in a more dangerous position where there is a possible solution that is painless-”

“It’s you.”

Lee cuts off abruptly. You stare down at your lap, clearing your throat softly. You place the cup back on the desk. If he was just going to keep pestering you, you’d rather get it over with. The reason you could go on with the surgery in the first place is because no one knew, no one would pester or judge you for choosing not to confess.

“W-what?” Lee whispers.

“You. It’s you,” you restate. Maybe they would’ve been right, after all, but you figured you could just spare yourself the humiliation. There were other options, so why do it when you knew it wasn’t going to work? It would just waste time you didn’t exactly have. Confessing to Lee could’ve also triggered the next stage in the ailment if he didn’t reciprocate. In your eyes, the surgery was safer in multiple ways. Or maybe that’s just what you’re telling yourself.

“Me? It is-” you look up at him to see something click in his head. “A lotus,” he realizes. You nod weakly.

“See? It wouldn’t have mattered, you like Sakura. Everyone knows you-” you’re interrupted by Lee throwing himself at you, wrapping his arms around you tightly, laughing. You let out a noise of surprise, feeling a violent cough start to form.

“Y/N, you do not understand! I like you, too!” he pulls away, grinning at you with the darkest blush you’ve ever seen on him. You feel your throat clear a little.

“Huh? But- Sakura?”

Lee shakes his head happily. “It is true, I liked Sakura for a long time. However, I realized recently how strongly I feel about you! And how long I have unknowingly felt this way! That is-” he pauses, seemingly bashful, “That is why I brought you that soup. I was going to confess to you after you felt better, and soup would allow you to recover quickly!”

You feel the weight in your chest lift almost instantly, a grin spreading across your face. You take a deep breath, feeling how light and empty you feel, tears welling in your eyes. You take one of his hands in yours, feeling heat rush to your cheeks. He gives you a flustered smile before remembering the situation, “The flowers! Y/N, are they-?” You nod, letting out a laugh.

“They’re gone! Everything feels clear!” Lee pulls you in for another tight hug, laughing happily. There are tears falling down both of your faces as you clutch the other. Wiping his tears, Lee leans back from the hug, looking at you bashfully, averting his gaze as he opens his mouth and closes it again. You tilt your head in confusion, “Lee? What’s wrong?”

Lee taps his fingers together, stuttering, “W-would it be alright if I k-kissed you?” Your blush worsens, but you smile and cup his cheek with your hand. He shivers slightly and leans into your palm, looking at you hopefully. You nod, and he grins, letting out a small excited laugh (the cutest laugh you have ever heard from him, honestly).

His hand comes up to shakily cup your cheek, leaning forward and closing his eyes. You meet him halfway, pressing your lips together and letting your free hand’s fingers run through his hair. Your lips move against each other, a little sloppily, but you couldn’t be happier. Lee tentatively places his hand on your hip, drawing you closer, to which you gladly oblige. His lips are soft against your own, and his hair is just a silky as it looks. You feel a swarm of affection fill you, making you smile into the kiss. Pulling away, you lean your forehead against his, grinning widely. He slowly opens his eyes, a dazed look on his face, and grins dopily at you. Your heart flutters, quickly pecking his lips and laughing as his chase after yours.

Before he can connect your lips together again, someone clears their throat from the doorway. Lee nearly jumps away from you in surprise, turning to look at the doorway. It’s Tsunade, staring at you two with an amused look on her face and a raised eyebrow. “I’m guessing you don’t need the surgery anymore?” she asks, smiling as she starts to peel off her gloves. You shake your head, embarrassed, apologizing for troubling her. “It’s fine,” she reassures, “Better this than surgery.” Lee takes your hand in his as you agree, and you shoot him a smile, squeezing his hand. “You’re free to leave, with the disease gone you should be back at almost full strength, save for maybe a sore throat.”

You nod, thanking her again, making her wave her hand at you dismissively. As she exits, you swear you see her hand a smug Shizune something? You don’t have time to ponder on it, as you’re suddenly lifted into Lee’s arms, letting out a surprised shout. “I will take you home, my flower!” He seems to realize the connotations behind the nickname, “Er, perhaps not my flower... my sun! My star! My youth! My moon on a lightless street!”

You laugh as he spins around with you in his arms excitedly. “I think flower is fine,” you smile, tucking your head into the crook of his neck, “It’ll overpower any bad connotations with flowers we have.” Lee tightens his grip on you, beginning to walk out the door.

“My flower it is, then,” he says quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. Your smile widens, nuzzling your nose into his neck and sighing.

As he walks out of the hospital room, you you still in his arms, you realize something, “Hey, Lee?”

“Yes?”

“You said you recently found out you liked me, right? When did you realize?”

“O-oh, well,” Lee stutters a bit, shifting you around in his arms, “Do you remember a few weeks ago when we were training, and I knocked you down? You pulled me down with you and I ended up pinning you to the ground.”

Oh, geez, right. You could never forget that moment. “Oh, y-yeah, I remember that.”

“Well, it was right then! My heart suddenly swelled, and I got very embarrassed! I realized that those are not usual feelings one would have for a friend, they are romantic! And then I realized had actually felt this way for a long time! It just took that push to make me understand,” he explains passionately.

You hum in response, “Good thing I pulled you down, then, huh?” Lee chuckles and nods, continuing to carrying you outside the hospital. You laugh quietly, “Lee, you know I can walk, right? My strength is almost back to normal.”

You see Lee nod his head, “Yes! However, if it is alright with you, I enjoy carrying you!”

“More than alright,” you affirm, placing a soft kiss against his neck and laughing when he jumps. The steady rocking of Lee’s walking soothes you into a sleepy state. Closing your eyes, you drift off, content knowing that the path ahead of you is filled to the brim with happiness.

#rock lee x reader #rock lee imagine #naruto imagines #rock lee #naruto #naruto scenarios #hanahaki disease #naruto shippuden imagines #naruto shippuden #naruto x reader

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insaneasgardian · 3 years

Text

We’re Not Friends! ~ Thor Odinson

Summary: “We’re not friends”, something the Avengers have grown accustomed to hearing from Thor and Y/N, but this simply worded phrase doesn’t mean the pair are enemies either.

Ship: Thor x Reader maybe a platonic Natasha x Reader

A/N: This is a request by @jennie22feona. I AM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! I really do apologize and I cannot even give you a good reason as to why this was stretched, but it’s out now, and I hope you like it! It’s not even that funny or good, oof, I feel so disappointed, I’m sorry!

Y/H/C = Your Hair Color

Y/F/S = Your Favorite Show

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF

“Can you two NOT argue for an hour?!” Steve Rogers exclaimed exasperatedly, throwing his hands in the air. Thor and Y/N looked at each other with a little smirk that none of the other Avengers could quite read. “We’re not arguing,” the blonde and muscular Asgardian reasoned, “it’s just some playful teasing!”.

Steve shook his head, “Yes, well whatever it is, it’s the reason you two don’t work well on missions when paired together”. The others nodded, but Loki piped up, “Um- no actually, the reason they don’t work well when paired together is because they’re always making heart eyes at each other, they’re actua-” the trickster was cut off by Natasha who refused to hear the theory that her best friend who she treated like a little sister actually had the hots for the god of thunder.

“Why can’t you two just be friends?” she asked quietly. “WE’RE NOT FRIENDS!” the pair instantaneously yelled, startling poor Clint who sat right in between them. “Of course you’re not” Natasha mumbled, seemingly annoyed, but she was glad. She would rather prefer that Y/N rather not be Thor’s friend than be his lover, she was protective over the girl that way.

---

“I told you that you shouldn’t draw attention to our hiding spot...” Y/N told Thor as she shot another of the enemy down. The mission was meant to be a stealthy one, but Thor had ‘accidentally’ summoned some lightning and alerted the many HYDRA agents of their presence. Thor struck an entire group of them with Stormbreaker before answering his colleague, “At least I’m getting this mission finished quicker”. The young woman rolled her eyes before taking out a batch of the enemy with nothing but a pocket knife.

“Learn to embrace your mistakes darling” Y/N said smugly

“Okay, come here so I can give you a hug” Thor retorted

And thus it began once again...

Tony turned to Sam temporarily retracting his ironman mask, “I’m telling you man, it’s not some basic playful teasing between those two, it’s full on sexual tension”. Agent Wilson stared at the bickering pair and nodded his head slowly, “I ship it” he announced to his mission partner. Tony chuckled, “Yea, well don’t let Nat hear ya saying that, you know how she secretly hopes Y/N remains eternally virgin and only makes time for her”.

With this little quip at the redheaded assassin, the falcon and ironman took to the skies, keeping close watch on the two lovebirds down below.

---

“Thorrrrr, must you always make it rain?” groaned a very exasperated Y/N from the couch in the Avengers tower penthouse, staring gloomily outside the floor to ceiling windows.

“Y/NNNNNN, must you always complain?” The god of thunder retaliated, he stopped pacing and spun on his heel to look at the girl. “I can’t control the rain my love” he informed her. “That’s a lie” muttered Loki from his place next to the addressed woman.

Natasha huffed, “She’s not your love’ Thor” a slightly jealous and protective tone in her voice was evident. Loki opened his mouth to say something and Thor and Y/N glanced at each other, but they all stopped their actions when Pietro burst in through the door, “I agree, she is MY love!” he announced. Nat expressed her distaste for this very vividly.

Whilst the redhead tuned Pietro out, angry thunder clouds gathered in the sky and stormed so violently that the entire tower started to shudder. Bruce and Tony stumbled into the room through the elevator, “Take it easy Thor, I think I might lose it any moment now” The brunette doctor said through gritted teeth. The billionaire nodded avidly, “I don’t want to make another tower, I like this one!” he added. Thor promptly apologized and willed himself to calm down, but not before shooting Pietro a dirty look nobody could quite understand the reason behind.

---

Natasha Romanoff and Wanda Maximoff stood on the second floor of the training room, onlooking Thor and Y/N who were sparring with each other. “You know some of the guys are saying their friendly jabs at each other may be something more,” Wanda expressed, pausing to take a sip of water, “like sexual tension” she ended.

Her spy companion rolled her eyes, “Those guys are idiots, there’s no way Thor and Y/N like each other, they’re always arguing” she firmly said, “Almost like an old married couple...” the Scarlett Witch truthfully stated, observing her two friends on the ground floor try to pin each other down.

Nat stayed silent, expressing no emotion perfectly just as she was trained to. However, young Miss Maximoff saw several different thoughts running through her head... literally. “Maybe it’s time to just accept they were meant for each other” she whispered softly.

The other woman clenched her jaw as she watched Thor pin his opponent down, only to be flipped over and onto his back by her. “No” she said, before turning and walking swiftly out the training room.

---

“They’re actually not arguing for once” Bucky whispered to Clint. “And they’re actually getting along” he observed. Both of them were sitting at Tony’s bar area watching the god of thunder and the pretty Y/H/C haired agent watching Y/F/S together and laughing.

“About time” the voice of a certain witch remarked, Bucky and Clint turned to find the rest of their team watching the display in the common room. “What are you guys doing here?” the archer questioned and Vision was the one to respond, “We wanted to watch the rare event unfold,” he glanced nervously at Natasha, “and of course insure that it’s kept ‘PG’“. Loki shuffled nervously before speaking, “Perhaps now would be the appropriate time to tell you that-”

“Shhhh!” the group collectively shushed the god of mischief as they viewed Thor saying something inaudible to Y/N that caused her to turn a deep shade of pink. “What did he say?” Bruce asked, and Sam shrugged, “Complimented her hair or something?”.

Tony was about to suggest something else that wouldn’t be considered very child-friendly but just then, Pietro uttered out a choked and horrified gasp and directed everybody’s attention back to the two team members on the couch. Sitting there with the TV volume on full blast in the background, Y/N and Thor were kissing each other

Agent Romanoff of course would have none of it. “GET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER RIGHT THIS INSTANT!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, causing the Avengers around her to flinch, and the couple on the couch to break apart. Everybody froze, Nat looked like she actually wanted to cry, Thor and Y/N looked confused, and everybody else just stood there awkwardly.

Finally, Loki broke the silence and cleared his throat before stepping forward. He spoke again, but this time nobody interrupted him because they were glad for the awkward silence to fade. “This is what I wanted to tell you... these two have been a couple for 6 months”. Disbelieving gasps and sounds of shock echoed from the throats of the audience.

“Wait, did you guys not know? It’s not like we tried to hide it.” Y/N asked from her place on Thor’s lap. Everybody save for herself, her boyfriend and his brother shook their heads. “Oh” was all the young lady could manage. Silence settled over once again and this time Captain Rogers broke it.

“So all that arguing...” “Playful couple teasing” Thor clarified, everybody nodded in understanding now as they looked around at each other. The entire team then proceeded to look at the black widow, whom they expected to look extremely devastated. She did, but much to their surprise, she sighed and went to envelope Y/N in a big hug.

“That was unexpected” Pietro commented, “What, finding out Thor and Y/N are a thing or seeing Nat be seemingly okay with this?” Wanda asked him. The speedster scratched the back of his neck, “Uhhh... both?” his sister nodded in approval, “Both is good”.

Natasha pulled away from the hug, “I never thought the day would come, and honestly I wish it never did, but if your happy, I’m happy” she said, causing everybody to let out a loud ‘awww’. “You’re acting like my mom” her best friend giggled, smiling up at her.

“I just love you that much,” she responded before looking at Thor, “hurt her, and you’ll wish you stayed in Asgard for eternity. The Asgardian gulped, and looked terrified but nodded in understanding.

Then there was that damn silence... AGAIN

“So...” Y/N started, “Anyone else wanna make threats and hug me or are we done here?”

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oimoi-op · 3 years

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when were you diagnosed with t1d?

Ok, so storytime! Short answer is, as of today, barely over two months ago.

(Very long post warning y’all, contains hospital mention and extensive, possibly upsetting descriptions of health conditions, specifically DKA)

My family doesn’t really have a history of T1D or even T2D, though my second-cousin-once-removed has had T1D for over a decade now. So, there was never any reason for me to try and get tests done for it. The only sign I really had up until last semester was two copies of a variant of an HLA gene that I knew about from a 23andMe report (which, according to the report, put me at a higher risk for celiac’s and nothing else), but of course at that time I had no idea that that could mean anything serious; after all, that sort of thing only happens to other people, right?

My college started in-person classes in the latter half of August. By October, I started feeling tired, having a lack of appetite, and needing water very, very badly. I actually went to my school’s clinic, and my erratic heartbeat prompted the doctor to recommend me for a Covid-19 test. My school’s protocols meant that I had to quarantine at my home (since I live within two hours of campus) until I got a negative test result. At home, I was drinking water all the time and sleeping constantly, and my parents had commented on how I’d been losing weight. I thought these were all good things. I had been slightly overweight at my high school graduation, and I’d always heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, so I thought I was actually in excellent health even if I kind of felt like shit most of the time.

Well. Uh. I was wrong.

When finals came around in mid-November, I was just fucking tired. I’d get a decent eight hours of sleep and still have to take naps during the day. Hell, I was even late for work because I slept through one of my nap alarms. Studying was a pain in the ass. Attending classes was a pain in the ass. Staying awake for Zoom classes was a pain in the ass. I was waking up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and then I would drink the rest of my water, refill it, drink half of it again, and then go back to sleep. Finally, November 20th rolled around, and I got to leave campus. It was my birthday (yeah I am a Scorpio and that weirds all of my friends out lol), and my parents took me to Fusion. And I just...couldn’t eat at all? I love hibachi, but I couldn’t even eat half of my food. The chef even got me a delicious banana split that I had to basically bully my younger sister into eating with me.

For the next week, I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I didn’t think this was weird because I’d just had finals so yeah, it makes sense that I would be tired after exams and whatnot. I went shopping with my mom, sister, and sister’s bff. We were only out for a few hours, but I was fucking wiped out y’all, like in pain. Thanksgiving arrived, and again, I love food, I love eating, but I was not hungry in the slightest. I basically had to force myself to eat some of my favorite holiday foods just so I wouldn’t offend my mom, and then I didn’t eat for the day.

The very next morning, I was puking my guts out.

This started a pattern for the next few days: I would eat chicken noodle soup or some other food, sleep like the dead, and throw up every morning and every night. I started chugging large bottles of Gatorade constantly (which, if you know about diabetes and its health complications, did not help my situation in the slightest). I started breathing erratically after very little exertion. Like, I’m talking standing up and stretching brought about heavy, labored breathing. I weighed myself on my parents’ scale, and I was under 130 lbs. Now, for some people this might seem like a lot, but due to my height and build I could fucking see some of my ribs. That was when I started to realize that something was very, very wrong, but “losing weight is good” and I didn’t want my parents to laugh at me for voicing concerns (though, for all their faults, in hindsight, I doubt they would’ve). Yeah. Don’t do that, folks, that’s not a good mindset to have.

On Sunday, my mom took me to town to get tested for Covid. This was despite me saying that I didn’t have symptoms (which I knew very well due to some of my friends catching it at school). Rapid test came back negative, so I did a culture test. Hell, while I was sitting in the damn chair, I was about to pass out. I asked for a nausea pill but my mouth was too dry for it to dissolve. I got a cup of water, downed it all, and felt like my throat was on fire. For the rest of the day I felt so, so awful. At some point I was walking toward my bed in my room and I fucking fell. I’m fucking lucky there was carpet.

Regarding the rest of that night, things start to get blurry, for the lack of a better term. I legitimately cannot recall everything that happened that night or the following two days, so I will just try to explain it in the way I remember it best.

Around...midnight or one??? I was on fucking fire, so I went to my bathroom and decided to lie on the floor. The floor was hardwood and not at all cold, and it wasn’t fucking comfortable even in that state, but I was just in so much pain I didn’t even care. My mom must’ve heard because she found me there and asked me what I was doing. I said something about the floor. She asked me to go back to bed, but I must’ve scared her because she asked me if I wanted her to lie in the bed with me. I don’t remember what I said to her, but we were in the bed and she was trying to hug me, but she was too warm and so I told her to stop. I kept feeling this burning just below my chest, like there was acid in me (which I guess wasn’t too far off), so I would randomly sit up to try and alleviate the pain and not cry. I remember asking my mom to take me to the hospital in the morning.

My mom put me in the truck (I think around 5 am is what she told me). I remembered hearing my dad. I was lying down. Then I was awake, but I was on the floor. I thought this was wrong so I tried to tell my mom that but I guess I couldn’t talk. Then I was in a hospital bed, the ER I assume. My mom gave me some water with a sponge, and I was just so fucking thirsty. Then I was in the ICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. I didn’t know what was going on, but my mom kept giving me water with that sponge. That is all I remember from Monday.

I remember a little bit more from Tuesday. My mom said something about diabetes, but that didn’t make any sense to me because I wasn’t “fat” and I’d been losing weight, even! What had I done to get diabetes? I was thirsty and tired, so I slept a lot. At some point I really needed to use the restroom so I unhooked my IV???? (I mean I must’ve disconnected myself somehow but I can’t remember the details) which set off a shit ton of alarms and people were Very Concerned and kept asking me Why Did You Do That? But I just needed to go to the restroom, and they told me to use the Red Button to Call the Nurse (it was already there, and I now realize that we’d probably had a similar conversation about the Red Button to Call the Nurse possibly multiple times before this) in the future. A Chopped Teen Tournament from 2017 was playing on the TV nonstop. There were commercials for CGMs. I thought that God wasn’t being very funny about the whole thing.

As of now I remember even less of Wednesday, but I know that felt better. There was this diabetes specialist who kept talking about insulin and life at college moving forward, but I wasn’t really there, either because of being so out of it for health reasons, disassociating, or a combination of the two. My mom told me she had emailed a professor so he would give me an extension on an assignment that was due by then, and I remember crying because I thought that was just so nice of him. That night, this guy got me in a wheelchair and put me in another room, which I would later learn was the ACU. My night nurse was this nice woman named Tanya, who had a very thick Eastern European accent. She got me orange juice to take some potassium pills, but it felt like swallowing rocks. I didn’t really get a lot of sleep, so I was awake when the nurses changed shifts. I remember one of them expressing surprise that I was out of the ICU so early.

My mom took longer to come that day because nobody had told her I’d been moved. I’d had plain Cheerios and orange juice for breakfast, but I couldn’t really eat because my throat hurt so badly. I talked to a lot of doctors. I guess at this point or somewhere near it I accepted that I had diabetes, but it wasn’t really real until the same diabetes specialist was going over carbs. I thought I was never going to eat shit I liked ever again. I really wanted a fucking McChicken sandwich. I signed some papers for Medicaid because I had aged out of the CHIP while in the hospital. I finally texted my friends and explained to them what had happened. I was so fucking tired.

I got out the next day, so that was Thursday. Normally, I would’ve been in the hospital much longer (especially because my Medicaid hadn’t been approved, meaning no insurance had approved of my insulin yet), but Covid cases were on the rise and the hospital wanted me out of there. The diabetes specialist and one of my nurses snuck me two fast-acting and two basal insulin pens, and I was out. I ate half a McChicken, a small fry, and drank my first Diet Coke. It tasted like diesel mixed with piss.

That’s the gist of it. The hospital staff was very nice and thoughtful the entire time, I think. I felt as though everyone involved cared about my health a lot.

For those of you who aren’t T1D or just don’t know, what I experienced is called DKA, short for diabetic ketoacidosis. To simplify, I was very close to entering a diabetic coma. My sister later told me that our dad had said (I assume a doctor had told my mother, who, in turn, had told him) that I was “approximately 45 minutes” away from death. DKA happens when a diabetic (usually a T1D like me) has too much blood sugar in their body due to them lacking the insulin necessary to break the sugar down, so their body breaks down their fat reserves and muscle to get the energy it needs. This is why I lost around 50 pounds over the course of a few months (I was 118 lbs. when I entered the hospital, the lowest I’ve been since grade school). I was officially diagnosed with T1D on November 30th, just ten days after my 19th birthday, which is a little older than normal I believe. It’s...well, it’s not fun, but I feel very grateful for my large support system, and tomorrow I’m trying out a CGM for the first time and applying for both it and a pump, so things are really looking up

#personal #iamapincushion #t1d #type one diabetes #type one diabetic #dka #diabetic ketoacidosis #tw hospital #tw dka #i don't think you meant me for to respond with such a long answer #but #well #it's something i've been wanting to post for a while now and this seemed like a good opportunity

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theres-no-protocol-for-this · 4 years

Text

Hitching a Ride

I don’t know where this idea came from, and I have even less idea about where it’s going. A security construct is hitchhiking across the Corporation Rim. What could possibly go wrong? Part I.

The station's manifest listed the Traveler as a long-distance cargo hauler midway through its multi-month journey. The ship's destination was a freehold world somewhere outside of the Corporation Rim. The trip was slated to take at least twenty cycles. In other words, it sounded like an ideal scenario for a rogue construct trying to get as far from its owner company as physically possible while dealing with a minimal number of humans.

Assuming, of course, the transport would let me along for the ride.

I approached its embarkation platform during a shift change. It seemed like a good bet. There were a lot of humans around; most of them were low-tech employees who babysat the bots that did most of the heavy lifting. No one paid much attention to a tall, weird stranger in heavy work boots. Probably because I was dressed pretty much identically to most of them.

I lightly nudged the ship in the feed to see if its bot pilot was amenable to conversing. Directly communicating with vessels was still a novel experience for me. SecUnits have standard protocols for this sort of thing, and I guess I could've fallen back on those. But, I'd spoken to at least a few other bots recently and was learning that each one was different. I'd picked up a few tricks during those interactions and wanted to see if any of them might work.

I'd learned, for example, that most ships are programmed to protect themselves from theft. Sounds reasonable -- these are insured vessels, often with precious cargo inside -- and no one wants to pay for its loss. But most of the anti-theft measures assume some form of human involvement. So, odds were good that no one had told the Traveler to be wary of other friendly bots or constructs.

"Hello," I said via the feed when the ship didn't immediately disregard my ping. "May I ride with you to your next destination?"

I used words and images to convey the message because most of the bots I'd met so far didn't speak like human beings. Also, I had nothing to offer the transport. Then again, the bots I'd ridden with so far hadn't necessarily wanted anything. My last ride had been bored and seeking friendly company, and the ship before that had wanted to discuss star charts in depth. I now knew more about mapmaking than I ever wanted to.

The Traveler, which had an unfamiliar logo on its hull, answered by opening the nearest airlock and sending a small drone to meet me. The floating cylinder with tiny mechanical arms beeped impatiently at me as it hovered in front of my face. It didn't stop until I came inside the airlock cycled shut behind me.

Most of the ships I'd ridden so far mostly communicated with me in images and snippets of code. Only one had used spoken words, and that had been an uncomfortable experience all around. I'd gotten to know perhaps half a dozen ship-based machine intelligences since starting the journey, and none of them thought even remotely like me. Their minds were beautifully alien and utterly fascinating, a far cry from the humans I'd dealt with for most of my life.

The Traveler's drone stared at me with its single-lens camera. I looked away and scanned the room.

It was barren but spotless and minimally furnished. Several space-capable evacuation suits hung in a locker to my left. Dim, diffuse lighting cast the corridor ahead of me in deep, dark shadows. A strip of bright illumination pointed the way deeper into the ship.

The transport was running with only minimal life support, and it was chilly as I walked down the hall, following the drone. I shivered and slowed my breathing as much as possible. Without plenty of oxygen, I'd need to spend more time in stasis, but it was a small price to pay for a ride out of the Rim.

I felt something large appear in the feed, a vast and complex presence, unlike anything I'd ever encountered before. It had the overall signature of the Traveler but didn't behave anything like the other bot pilots that I'd met. Its massive size reflecting some vast array of processing power, and I wondered what it worked on when not ferrying freight and passengers across the galaxy.

My risk assessment module advised caution. Anything that powerful could probably decimate the protective walls around my mind if it wanted to. That it let me in at all suggested it wasn't malicious. But, like with any sentient mind, you never know.

"What are you?" I asked.

"A better question might be what you are and what do you want."

This was new. None of the bots had spoken with me like this before. The one who had bothered with words had preferred quoting ancient poets. The intelligence behind these words sounded... curious, perhaps, and just as cautious as I was. I could understand its pressing questions; rogue constructs are unpredictable, and we're seen as catastrophically dangerous by most humans. I think the media plays up the dangerous part. Inviting one aboard could spell a lot of trouble for the Traveler.

"I'm a SecUnit. I'm trying to leave the Corporation Rim."

"Are you rogue?"

"I think so," I admitted hesitantly. "My governor malfunctioned several standard months ago."

"What happened to your arm? Do you require medical assistance?" Transport sounded concerned. Frowning sigils tumbled across the feed.

Oh yeah, that. I looked down at my left arm. The long sleeve was tucked upward so it wouldn't get in the way. Underneath it, the appendage ended midway between shoulder assembly and elbow. The rest was gone. "I was injured and have not visited a repair cubicle since then."

Meanwhile, the drone I was following stopped in front of a door, which slid open. Inside was a well-furnished and well-stocked recreation room; I wondered at its purpose since the hauler had no passenger manifest. Who was supposed to be using this space?

A display screen took up most of an entire wall, and several couches stood opposite of it. There were also chairs and plush pillows on the floor. A small snack counter stood tucked into a corner, along with a recycler and a heating unit.

Transport turned up the internal temperature and spun up its life support systems. I could hear the hum of air circulators kicking on. The drone beeped at me to come inside and then floated leisurely over to a cabinet. It grabbed a blanket and dropped it in front of my face. Out of pure reflex, I caught the soft material before it could fall.

"I have some media we can watch," the ship informed me. "I also have a full medical suite. You could use it if you want." A moment later, it added, as an afterthought, "Captain Owens will come aboard in a few minutes, and we're slated for departure in a matter of hours."

The display came on, but I wasn't paying attention. "I need to leave."

"Why?" Transport asked, clearly puzzled.

"A human is going to ask questions. They might even return me to the bonding company." Also, I'm not good at dealing with people.

"I already received verbal approval from the captain to provide transportation for you to our next destination." The ship's presence emanated its version of distress, and I didn't know why. "Stay."

"You what?"

"I followed the protocol. I knew that the captain was on her way, and I wanted you to ride with me. And the easiest way was to tell my captain. I think you should sit down and relax." Transport reminded me of a human child, a powerful and dangerous one at that. "Captain's nice. She doesn't get mad."

"Fuck you."

I stood in the middle of the rec room and stared straight ahead at an off-white wall. I wanted to leave -- up until this point, self-preservation had involved avoiding humans who might decide to return me to the corporation that still technically owned me. But, this human had supposedly already agreed to my continued presence, and this hauler was my best bet for leaving the station.

"You're mad."

"Yes. Yes, I am." I was also scared and shaking. I didn't want to go back.

"We can watch shows together. Captain Owens won't mind." The ship pulled back from the feed, giving me space to think, but it was still there—a black hole hiding in a corner. "I've downloaded some excellent ones." The little drone bobbed up and down and beeped sadly. "I've never talked to a construct before. I want to. You're more like me than like the captain. Or the crew."

"Same here," I admitted.

"So, stay. It's safe here."

"It's not," I replied. "I don't like this. Your human could order you to hurt me, and you wouldn't have a choice."

My mind stuck on the word "safe." I'd never felt the need to seek out safety before, but the idea sounded... appealing.

When my governor had been active, any mistake could potentially lead to painful punishment. If the transgression was particularly heinous, any human could order my termination. I don't fear dying, not how humans seem to interpret it, but I want to continue existing.

Once my governor couldn't control me anymore, I had been terrified that someone would discover the malfunction. Without a functioning governor, they couldn't order me around, which made me -- in their eyes -- an unpredictable and dangerous weapon. I figured if the company knew, they would take me apart to see how the malfunction had occurred and then break me down for spare parts.

I don't want that, either.

The door behind me slid open, and a deep, feminine voice said, "Trav only listens to me when it wants to. And maybe not even then. Welcome aboard the Traveler, stranger. My name's Skye, and it's a pleasure to have some company on this otherwise dull run."

I turned to face the newcomer as her information card popped into the feed. Transport also gave me access to the local communications array and some of the ship's internal cameras.

One of the cameras was in the recreation room, so I connected to it and saw myself through its fisheye lens. I could also see Skye Owens, currently listed captain of this vessel and a doctor of biology. She was tall with light-brown skin, shoulder-length, curly hair, and pitch-black eyes. I'm not great at human ages, but I thought she might be older.

"You look lost," the captain added as she walked past me and sat down on one of the mauve couches. "I imagine this hasn't been easy, and I think the ship can be... a little overbearing when it wants something."

I checked the expression on my face through the camera. Yep, I was making a face -- one I couldn't even interpret.

"Am not!" Transport complained.

"Are too, and you know it." Skye looked up at the nearest camera and stuck out her tongue. "But seriously, you're welcome here, whoever you are."

"SecUnit," I said aloud automatically.

I wondered about the relationship between the captain and her ship. It was apparent the two were friends, enough so that they bantered with one another; SecUnits weren't permitted this much camaraderie with other constructs.

I had never encountered a situation like this before, where another human was aware of my status and still comfortable in my presence. Some of my previous clients had assumed that constructs can't speak, and others despised that we could. It was... weird.

Transport cast something onto the display, and an intro began to play in the background. The drone brought over snacks and set them on a low table between the couches.

"A pleasure to meet you, SecUnit." Skye grabbed herself a pack of crunchy vegetables and then patted the seat next to her.

"She wants you to join her," Transport offered helpfully. "My crew does this thing where they're all together. They sit in front of the screen, eat snacks, and poke fun at whatever they're watching. It's entertaining."

The worst of the anxiety from earlier had passed, and I found that I didn't much care what the human chose to do. If she notified the authorities, which looked less likely with each passing moment, I'd deal with the consequences. Shrugging, I took a seat on the floor in front of the empty couch and leaned against it.

Setting the blanket aside, I turned my attention to the display. Entertainment media was still a new concept for me. I'd caught glimpses of it during various deployments, but most of it I hadn't understood until more recently. And I guess I wanted to see what the humans found so pleasing about the whole thing.

#fanfic #the murderbot diaries #SecUnit #we're all aliens here #into the unknown

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bi-rising · 3 years

Note

hey I just saw your post about PCOS being a hormonal issue not a gyno one while I was surfing the tag. I was diagnosed a couple months back and all my gyno did was a 2 min ultrasound and then prescribed me birth control. I would like to have actual help and more info on it but I'm not sure who I'm supposed to go to for that. Seeing as you were in a similar situation I'd appreciate your help.

seems like gynos really suck with pcos, don't they? 🥴 warning you now, this is going to be a very long post, because i'm essentially writing out absolutely everything i did and everything i've learned, so strap in for a ride aldksfjasldf

the first thing to do is research, research, research. i spent a whole week constantly on pcos websites (such as pcosaa and this article, tho fair warning, the article does use academic speech so it might not be the easiest thing to read) and watching videos and doing what i could to inform myself. the way you can know if you're looking at a credible resource is how the source defines pcos: does it pose it as a reproductive system disorder? or an endocrine (hormonal) disorder? if it talks about it as a reproductive system disorder, then it's probably wrong.

please note that i am not, obviously, a medical professional, but this is how i understand pcos works. i'll use me as an example just so i can use first person perspective, but it applies to pcos patients in general.

so, my cells are insulin resistant. that means that when i eat, my body releases, lets say, 100 (x measurement) of insulin. because my cells are insulin resistant, they say "hey, i'm only gonna use 50x of that insulin". but they still NEED that 100x to function. so my body releases ANOTHER 100x of insulin, so my cells go "ok i'll take 50x" and so while my cells now have the 100x they're supposed, to i now have 100x insulin floating around.

that extra insulin not only wreaks havoc on many systems of the body, it is the reason why most people with pcos that goes untreated end up with type 2 diabetes. the extra insulin is also converted (or spurs the creation of? i'm not entirely certain on the how here) into testosterone and other androgen (male) hormones. so your body has too much insulin, and now it has too much testosterone, too. that extra testosterone is what fucks with your reproductive system and prevents the follicles on your ovaries from maturing (which is what the 'cysts' are). it also often creates increased facial hair, acne (especially on the 'beard line'), and worse body odor. between the testosterone and the insulin, it's nigh impossible to lose weight.

also note that because your body has to release more insulin for your cells to get an adequate amount, you likely crave carbs and sugars (salty/crunchy things and sweets), and you're likely frequently fatigued, bc your body isn't, well, working correctly and it's taking more energy to perform basic functions.

secondly, take all this information that you know to your doctor. i legitimately wrote down some notes about this process in a little notebook and took it with me so that i wouldn't forget/get too anxious to bring any of it up. i also wrote down the things i had been doing to help up to that point (working out, what my diet was, etc etc) and what i was concerned about. lastly, i also wrote down what medications and supplements i had heard of in my research to see what my doctor thought of them.

my doctor's first 'attack' choice is ozempic--it's a weekly shot that helps to regulate insulin levels and also is pretty good at helping weight loss. be aware though that most commercial insurances don't pay for this, but if your doctor is good, they'll try to work around that so that you're not paying a frankly outrageous amount for it. also look out for sometime this fall, my doc said that the ozempic manufacturers are trying to get ozempic approved for weight loss (it's approved for other things) and that should help bring the price down?? anyway, that's my doc's preferred method, but because of my finances, we currently can't do that.

his second attack, which i'm now on, is metformin. it's a medication mostly used for diabetics that helps with blood sugar levels which, again, is that insulin issue. my mom has been on it for 14 years bc diabetes runs in our family anyway, so it's perfectly safe for long time use and definitely helps with keeping either away from or within the pre-diabetes phase. again, i've only been on it now two days so i can't say anything for me but we'll see how it goes lmao

he also approved of me using omega 3 (fish pills) supplements because they help balance things out in general, not just pcos, and he was good with me using spearmint, too. i'm starting out on one cup of spearmint tea a day and see how that effects me, but i've heard of people having up to two spearmint supplement pills and a cup of spearmint tea a day, too. spearmint is a 'defense', as far as i can explain it: it has (tho limited) research that it lowers the testosterone levels in women with pcos. so while it doesn't help with the insulin so it doesn't attack the source, it can help with the testosterone aspect, aka facial hair, acne, etc. i've also heard of cinnamon supplements and inositol supplements helping, but i didn't get a chance to ask about either of those from my doctor, so make sure if you want to give those a try, you talk about them and make sure they won't interfere with any of your other medications and get your doctor's approval on them, first.

thirdly, ask about what else you can do to help yourself. my doctor stressed the importance of a proper night's sleep, as well as advised to try to cut back on carbs and sugars (IMPORTANT NOTE: some people claim that you HAVE to be on a keto diet to get results with pcos. WRONG. please don't do this. keto diets are entirely unsustainable. and cutting back on carbs and sugars does not mean cutting them OUT, it just means if you want a snack, try reaching for a protein or a vegetable instead of a carb. but don't limit yourself!! please, be conscious about what you eat, and remember that sometimes yeah, a slice of cake or a serving of chips isn't going to kill you or set your pcos back. don't risk getting an e.d. just for the sake of your pcos). he also told me that the best exercise that i personally should do is either HIIT exercises or cardio, and to do at least an hour a day, even if it's 30 mins in the morning, 30 in the evening--and to work up to that so even doing ten minutes a day, then increasing it from there, is healthier and better than jumping straight into a whole ass hour. he also told me to aim for a certain heartrate. i don't remember the formula he used, but for me at 22 (based on age) he wanted me to try to aim for 150-160 bpm. again, especially with exercise, that was what he recommended for me. you're likely different from me, so ask your doctor and see what he says.

fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, DON'T BOTHER WITH A GYNO. all of this that i've gotten done for me was from my family doctor, so just the guy i go to for yearly check ups. see if you can do some routine blood work to give him (or her) as wide of a picture as possible, and then go in and talk with a regular doctor about this. a friend of mine also has a friend who actually goes to an endocrinologist to get her pcos sorted out, so that's also an option. gynos seem to just treat the symptoms; birth control gives you a regular period by helping with your estrogen, but that doesn't decrease your testosterone OR do anything with the insulin. my doc is keeping me on birth control pills just so that i have a regular cycle so we can watch and see if anything else happens to it, so it's okay to stay on the birth control, but ultimately, birth control pills don't do anything for pcos.

i know it's difficult and probably kinda scary/anxiety inducing if you're younger or just have anxiety, but you've gotta advocate for yourself in this case. you have to show the doctor that you know what you're talking about and that you're able to call him out on his bullshit if he doesn't take you seriously. also, if your doctor is helpful, don't be afraid to be frank with him about what your gyno did. like i've said with my experience, i got the validation of knowing that my gyno was wrong by explaining to my doctor how he treated me. you deserve better than what your gyno did, and you deserve to actually be treated as a person and your disorder be taken seriously.

i'm wishing you the best of luck, and i hope that you'll be able to get the help that you need 💕💕💕

#jupe's inbox #medical tw #just in case i guess lmao #long post

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wellesleyunderground · 3 years

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Pandemic Pregnancy by Jess Sirizzotti ‘10 (@JezRebelle)

Having your first kid during a global pandemic makes for a very weird experience. Though the much anticipated “quarantine baby boom” turned out not to be the reality, there were still many pregnancies that started, continued, or wrapped up in 2020-2021.

Being pregnant during a pandemic is about as isolating as you’d expect. Reduced immunity plus *gestures vaguely* everything meant that a lot of people grew a person in unprecedented ways. What I struggled with the most (beyond the overarching panic and dread of a world on fire) was that there was no benchmarking. I could have made it nine months at work before telling anyone, because they only saw me on video conference from the clavicle up. There were no hospital tours, no childbirth classes, no expectant parenting groups.

Whenever you’re going through it, there seems to be no middle ground between dry, evidence-based medicine and projecting yourself entirely into the astral plane for communing with the ancestors. Here are a few things that helped me through my pregnancy, and some things I wish I’d known earlier.

Illustration Credit: Mercedes deBellard

Prep work

There are plenty of guides about how much you should have saved or what kind of physical shape you should be in. Some of that is helpful.

Oddly missing from those guides is “get a handle on your traumas.” Talk to a therapist. Talk to a partner. Talk to yourself in a diary where you ask yourself questions about what you want to carry with you and what terrifies you about having a kid. There are questionnaires for people donating living organs, and it does not hurt to say, “Hey, if there is a problem with ANY OF THE MYRIAD OF THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG, how would I work through those feelings? What are the boundaries I want for this process that will make me feel safer or in control?””

If you’re getting pregnant with someone who will raise this kid with you, get into it with them. Have very specific conversations about what you will do about parental leave, diapers, daycare, requests for tattoos from a twelve-year-old. My husband and I would read the Care & Feeding parenting column from Slate, debating how we would handle the conundrums of different letters before getting the “answer” from the columnist.

Also, get as full a picture of family pregnancy as you can. You might know your own birth story, but what about the other half of the genetics you’ll be juggling? I, personally, managed to mash up my MIL’s hyperemesis gravidarum and my mom’s gestational diabetes which has been...not a great time.

And ask *lots* of questions. I had pretty low-stakes issues making it into the world, but it turns out all my dad’s generation of siblings all needed to stay in the NICU. My dad had multiple full-body blood transfusions in his first days. That would have been helpful to know!

That said, what I was most shocked to learn is that there is no way to know what kind of pregnancy you’re going to have until you’re in it. Even if you’ve had a kid before—you can have wildly different experiences! There’s literally no way to know in advance!

Pro tip: you can’t know for certain what pregnancy will be like for you, but getting a broad picture can help it seem less like a cliff jump into the unknown.

Getting pregnant will take longer than you think

Once again, for those in the back, GETTING PREGNANT WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THINK.

For starters, you will need to stop not getting pregnant, which has been the focus of most young adult lives since your fertility started. I had to get my IUD removed and also get revaccinated for a bunch of things (rubella, flu, tetanus). If you were on the pill, it may take a few months to get everything out of your system. Then, you will do something to try to get pregnant and wait for two weeks. Whether it takes two weeks, two months, or ten years—it will feel like a very long time.

Especially because by this point, I felt ready to have a child. I looked at the calendar and thought, “Oh good, the kid will be X horoscope sign. They’ll have their birthday during the school year. Their birthday will be X year, and that will be easy to remember.” I made plans.

And then I just...didn’t get pregnant. And kept not getting pregnant. Every month of getting my period was so frustrating. I had charted my cycle! I had taken my temperature to figure out if I was ovulating! I swallowed these giant prenatal vitamins that are the size of a human toe!

Some people do get pregnant instantly, and many blessings on their ultra-efficient plumbing. Some people get pregnant when they don’t want to, and they should be able to have a choice about whether to have those kids.

For most people, there will be a while between deciding to have a child through pregnancy and getting one started. It is happening everywhere, to countless people, and is one of the hardest, loneliest, most unintelligible experiences—made worse by the fact that people are shoving their feet into their own faces around you for the entire experience. You’re surrounded by people getting pregnant (magically! easily! with barely a whisper of effort!), people asking you when you will become pregnant, people congratulating you on not being pregnant because you can go out, drink, get really into aerial silks, etc. And you will have to not punch them in the face.

If you are under 35, most doctors will not even talk to you about fertility issues until you have tried for a year. That’s a minimum of twelve cycles of trying, twelve “I feel really good about this month” conversations, twelve pregnancy tests that say you’re not pregnant, twelve months at a job you may not like but stay at because they have good parental leave benefits or insurance coverage.

After a year (and after you get on their schedule) a fertility specialist can offer you fun adventures like getting dye injected into your fallopian tubes to see if they’re blocked, approval to shoot yourself up with expensive hormones (at home! with a real needle!), and any of the other amazing methods technology and medicine have discovered that tweak any of the multitude of handoffs that need to happen for a pregnancy to “take.”

If I can ask one thing, assume at least one person in earshot of your public conversation is trying to get pregnant and can’t—and be a little kinder.

Pro tip: get the cheaper pregnancy tests with lines rather than the electronic ones with words, because there are few bigger downers than seeing “NOT PREGNANT” month after month.

Find a practitioner you like

Because eventually, you will want to strangle them. It’s important to start with someone you like, so that the strangling phase will be late in the pregnancy and not a sustained hatred for nine full months.

Whether you’re pregnant or working with a reproductive specialist, having someone who listens to you will help. Some people cannot deal with hippie woo woo, some cannot imagine a pregnancy that’s all medical jargon. If you’re a person of color or want to have certain cultural traditions respected from the get-go, vetting at the beginning can avoid being at loggerheads later. Take some time to reflect on good and bad medical experiences you’ve had, and if you have options, choose someone who will not make you hyperventilate every time you have an appointment.

For me, I knew I needed a doctor who would not give me a hard time about weight gain. I have a history of disordered eating and (pre-pregnancy) was competing as a super heavyweight lifter, so am used to plenty of unsolicited opinions about my weight and what I should be doing with it. Pregnancy is fraught enough to take a single off-hand comment to an extreme, and I was deeply uninterested in negotiating an anorexia relapse while battling all the pregnancy changes.

If you have some time, shuffle up your pre-pregnancy appointments to get a feel for different doctors. I pulled up ZocDoc for my insurance network and came up with some finalists: had my annual exam by one, my IUD taken out by another, and my MMR re-vaccine done by a third. I knew my practice was right for me when the doctor offered to take all weight measurements patient-blind for the entire pregnancy.

Pro tip: think about what style of doctoring would make you feel better during this time, and give yourself the gift of one less thing to stress about.

Taking information in

Like the best of us, I enjoy a Wikipedia rabbit hole. I’m an especially good finder and am frequently tagged in as the friend who can unearth the secret Tumblr or yearbook photo of an elusive crush. I can find anything, and have a Jeopardy-level mental trapper keeper for bizarre edge-cases.

This is...not great for pregnancy, especially when unleashed on the “seems legit” constellation of mommy blogs. There are a million things that can go wrong with a pregnancy, and past a certain point, knowing more does not make you more likely to avoid or survive them.

Think of it like a fractal. Having the general shape of the tree: useful. Hyperfocusing so hard on one of the branches that you lose days in front of the computer screen, diving deeper into medical texts and unconfirmed narratives until you completely glaze over: less so.

Knowing this about myself helped me manage the unceasing amount of feedback offered by everyone from doctors to bystanders. I limited myself to one book (Emily Oster’s Expecting Better, which is wonderful), a doctor I trusted, and small doses of the Wellesley pregnancy group. I still couldn’t stop myself from reading every op-ed about miscarriage and stillbirth, but I was able to process them as things I was choosing to read instead of a compulsion I could not turn off.

Pro tip: really think about how much information serves you. It can feel like knowing every little thing will make you an expert who is ironclad against any malady. That’s, unfortunately, not how it works.

Sending information out

Like information gathering, you’ll want to decide how, when, and who to share information with. Having a pandemic pregnancy gave me a lot more power over when I disclosed than I would have had normally—I was sick as hell and it would have been a first-month discussion at work rather than a third-month one. It has allowed others to have entire pregnancies in private, only announcing when the baby has been delivered.

I found it helpful to think of pregnancy updates in concentric rings: my husband and I in the innermost circle, immediate family and some friends next, wider friend group and extended family, and then everyone else. I didn’t have to give minute-by-minute updates to everyone in the world if I didn’t want to, and a quick “Oh actually that’s private” was usually enough to keep any especially nosy questions to a minimum.

There were people who surprised me with wanting to know much more, and some who heard “baby” and unsubscribed. Both are fine!

Pro tip: if at all possible, curate a group of friends who are far from having first kids so that you can be assured of a rapt audience of “WHAT can happen??” Plus, at least one friend with a recent kid who’s very organized who can tell you what’s helpful to buy and what is BS.

Particular pandemic weirdness (good and bad)

While it has been lonely, it has also been wonderfully private. Some particular strange markers:

It is very odd to go from several months of zero physical contact with anyone outside my apartment directly into an intravaginal ultrasound.

My husband is going to meet our doctor at the delivery, because no one except patients is allowed past the lobby at our practice.

I will likely not need to buy any maternity clothes, because my pandemic outfits of blousy shirts and stretchy pants to work from home will suit perfectly.

No one touches my stomach unless I want them to.

Remote birthing classes allow you to snicker as much as you’d like from the comfort of your couch.

Things I did not know and wish I had

The way they count how far along you are starts from the first day of your last period. That is not when you got pregnant, but is the easiest way to have a consistent range for all patients (who may or may not be tracking ovulation spikes).

It is normal to have spotting-level breakthrough bleeding at some point during your pregnancy. The books will tell you this. Your doctor will tell you this. I am telling you this now. It will not make a damn bit of difference, because the moment you see blood, you will panic and be certain you are having a miscarriage. No one will be able to convince you otherwise until you get checked out.

Your entire digestive system slows waaaay down to accommodate a pregnancy, and is part of the reason for nausea. I had heard that you will need to pee all the time, but hadn’t heard that you will almost entirely stop pooping. And then once a week, you will crap yourself inside out.

The placenta can grow wherever it wants, including smack-dab over your cervix. This offends me more than I can say. That’s where the baby needs to go out! (C-section is required in these cases)

A cesarean birth is a horizontal cut, like an envelope opening and then they squeeze the baby through it. I always pictured it vertical, like opening a book.

Acronyms are a minefield on pregnancy forums. For months, I read posts thinking “FTM” meant “female-to-male trans person” instead of “first-time mom.” Don’t be afraid to Google to keep your bearings, but also feel free to create your own—DH can be “Dear” or “Damn” Husband depending on context.

“Morning sickness” is a misnomer. It can happen all day. It can happen for your whole pregnancy, though most women see a gradual decrease after the first trimester. I’m mid-way through my third trimester, and still throwing up six times a day. If I had known that earlier, I would not have tried to “stick it out” for as long as I did: cooking meals from scratch, insisting that pre-packaged snacks were for wimps. If you are sick, get comfortable EARLY. You don’t get extra points or a better baby for staying miserable, so you might as well lean in to Couch and Cheese Central. If it clears up, great. If not, at least you’re not already tired from trying too hard.

Around 4% of babies are born on their due dates. Do not assume your third trimester will be the length you would like it to be. My doctor has proposed a 37 week induction (because of all the sickness and gestational diabetes). While that is technically full-term, that news was given to me in such a way that low-balled the panic of being A FULL MONTH EARLY. As in, LOSING A THIRD OF THE TRIMESTER.

The baby is lower than you may expect—actual location is generally half-way between navel and nethers. If you’re patting the top of a pregnant person’s stomach (with their permission), you are far away from where the kid is.

There is no good news during a pregnancy. The best you can hope for is continuing to meet the baseline. I am so much more understanding of gender reveal parties, because it is literally the only test result that you can have an opinion about. No ultrasound or blood test will come back with, “Congratulations, your child is gifted!” or “They’re going to be so good at tennis!” It is nine straight months of finding out you’re high risk or not for sickle-cell anemia or tuberculosis. I stopped writing them down after awhile because it felt like every one was, “Oh damn, I didn’t even know we were still concerned about that.”

“Round ligament pain” is the technical term for sharp, stabbing pain in your groin caused by all the ligaments in your hips and crotch helpfully loosening to allow for gestation and birth. This can start as early as 14 weeks, which one would think is way too fricking early for it, but nope. You’d be wrong. The general recommendation for this is to keep your knees together, to which I say, “That particular ship has left the harbor.”

#wellesley underground #pregnancy #pandemic pregnancy

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falling-stars-and-open-scars · 3 years

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03/01/2021: About Me

Hey. So, I’ve kind of already done something like this before, but figured I’d update. This isn’t your traditional “get to know me”/ “about me” post so if you want to make one yourself, feel free to copy. While I do not intend on going into any graphic detail, I will put a Trigger Warning/Content Warning here.

Who are you? Tell me about yourself

I go by Star

32 yr old, cis female, United States

Straight

Currently a veterinary assistant at a spay and neuter clinic

Currently going to school for Health Information Management so I can eventually become a medical biller/coder

In a relationship; boyfriend of 7 years [and yet it is complicated]

I have two orange male tabby cats that, while they can be little kitty brats, do give me a sense of joy in life.

No, really…tell me about yourself

292 pounds at 5 foot 6 inches tall (this is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. It is not a good feeling)

Harmer of self since the age of 15, with periods of recovery/non-injury

Hating my body/self since I was extremely young [maybe 7 years old; I remember writing in my diary “I need to go on a diet” or “On Monday, I start my diet”; without any realization of what it means. But always felt like the ugly duckling and was always about 20 pounds heavier than the other girls in my class/age-range]

Wasn’t really allowed to date while living with my parents [I lived with them until I was 24 so you can do the math there….didn’t have my first kiss until I was like 22, didn’t have an actual intimate relationship until I was 23/24]

Never been officially diagnosed with anything; despite an episode of harm which landed me into the emergency room and then to a mental health facility (you’d think they’d diagnose me with some kind of *something* while I was there but…nah. It was basically, show up to group and be nice/quiet and if you want to leave you can since you voluntarily came here. I stayed for a day and a half, expecting to get help but didn’t really get it other than “you need to learn to communicate with people and people need to take the time to hear you speak”. And that day and a half cost me almost $5,000 and I don’t have insurance so ofc I’m not going to stay longer. I was lucky that they had a financial aid type thing and that I qualified; they basically wrote off the debt and all I was responsible for was the ER visit and paying the doctor to patch me up). Still, it would be nice to know EXACTLY what’s going on with me mentally [Am I bi-polar? Do I have an anxiety disorder? Am I on the spectrum? Do I have BPD?]

What’s your trauma?:

Emotionally neglected child who grew up into an angry and depressed teenager

Essentially forced to become a third parent/default babysitter to my siblings [one older sister, two younger Autistic brothers] at the age of 8, as my parents didn’t feel they could trust my sister to care for us, but trusted me.

Harmer of self since the age of 15.

Ideation of disordered eating between ages of 13-16 [again, I remember looking into Ana and Mia and writing in a diary that my goal was to “become Ana”].

Sought approval from father by being a “good kid” and never getting into trouble and trying to get nothing less than perfect straight As in all my classes from 10th grade [sophomore year in high school] onward.

Sought attention from older men, since boys my age didn’t like me and were terrified of how intimidating my father was (like I would be 16-18 and chatting with guys 20-28 years old; one guy coerced me into phone s3x at the age of 16, he was 26 and a member of my church who has had a reputation for doing this to young girls but nothing was ever done about him).

Currently an unhappy, socially awkward, adult who is trying very hard to make a 7 year relationship with an alcoholic work but am also talking with another man who lives over 1,000 miles away [it started off as very “mature”/”adult” talking and has now regressed back to “get to know you”/”being friends first”; he has stated that he is not interested in pursuing women or a relationship because of his own hurt and break ups but also is not opposed to the possibility of a relationship at some point – seems very indecisive about what he wants or is trying to appear guarded but it’s starting to weaken the more often we talk]

I’m basically chasing after external love and approval that I’ve never properly received while also not loving myself.

Why are you here on Tumblr?

To vent, like most people here. To express my thoughts and feelings that no one else really cares to listen to. To get better. To get worse (it’s kind of weird, like….I want to write down my thoughts and feelings so that I don’t keep it bottled up and end up hurting myself again and yet….I seek out triggering things; maybe because deep down I think that maybe if I get really really bad someone will notice….someone will finally care about me…..) To maybe help someone so they don’t end up like me. To be a “big sister” or other type of support to those who need it.

What do you want to say to the people reading this/following you?

You deserve better and I’m so incredibly sorry that the people in your life have let you down so much. You deserve to have the hurt in your heart and in your mind fully healed. You deserve a chance at life. You all are so young and you do have potential to live a good and interesting life. I know it’s hard to believe, I know it’s hard to see your self-worth or to even think you have any worth beyond what people can take from you; but you ARE worth it. If you want to recover and heal, I hope you’re able to do so and offer my support and wish you the absolute best. If you’re not ready to recover (I’m sure as f not), then I can at least sit with you as we slowly work on bettering ourselves. I know I’m just some old random bish on here, but I do worry about you guys – especially if you go offline for days/weeks/months or if your account is no longer active. I want you guys to be safe and happy. I want that for myself too. And we will have it….one day…..someday.

And just so we’re absolutely crystal clear: I will NOT be your coach. I will NOT encourage you to get worse [and any and all negative content or “meanspo” is directed towards me and ONLY me]. If you’re looking at my blog and thinking that you can ask that of me, I’m very sorry but you are wrong. I like to live by a certain motto: “Do no unnecessary harm unto others, be it Man or Beast.” And if you can’t get on board with that, then maybe it’s best you move on past my blog here. Don’t get me wrong, I offer you much love and support and hope you take the chance to get better and live a good life; but I will not enable you. I will not degrade you nor encourage you to get worse. I will not look at your young life and think “Hm, ya know, I had to suffer with some unnecessary bullsh*t; time to spread it around! Let’s toughen these kids up! If I had to suffer, so do you!” Seriously, F that mindset. That’s not my deal, that’s not the vibes I’m trying to send out into the world.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I hope that I can be an ally and source of support for you. If you’ve read this far and feel like maybe my blog isn’t for you/it’s triggering or upsetting or whatever, you’re absolutely allowed to unfollow. I want you to do what is best for you. I’m not about that “tumblr fame” or whatever bullsh*t.

I’m just a broken person trying to make a broken world a little less broken.

Thank you for reading.

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mostlysignssomeportents · 4 years

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Private equity looting public health in a pandemic

During a 2007 trip to NYC, while taking long walks from one indie bookstore to the next, lugging increasingly heavy bags of pressed vegetable matter, I stumbled on Simon Lovell's HOW TO CHEAT AT EVERYTHING at the St Mark's Bookshop.

https://www.runningpress.com/titles/simon-lovell/how-to-cheat-at-everything/9781560259732/

Despite the title, its really about about NOT getting cheated: anatomical dissections of scams that show you how they work. One thing that stuck with me from all that is how to spot a dirty "proposition" bet, a variable-odds bet on a specific outcome from a range of outcomes.

Lovell's rule of thumb is the more complicated a bet is, the scammier it is. If it pays 2:1 for one outcome, 5:1 for another, and 100:1 for a third, it's probably a scam. Complexity confounds your ability to match odds to payouts - to intuit whether it's a good bet.

I remember being at Defcon one year and going into a Vegas casino and asking a craps croupier to explain how the game worked, and as he rattled off the different odds on the different paylines, I was like, Ohhhhh, I get this. This is a scam.

The next time I had that feeling was during the financial crisis, when I started to learn about CDOs and other complex derivatives, and how their originators presented them to investors, using esoteric math to prove they were safe. Ohhh, I thought. Oh, I get it.

The more I learned about finance, the more this insight came back to me. Because so often the complexity was revealed to be an ornament, a form of dazzle there to confuse the eye about the true shape of the transaction.

The rococo equations where set-dressing to support the idea that mere mortals are disqualified from discussing, understanding, or regulating the finance industry. And nowhere is that more in evidence than in the private equity world.

Because the underlying scam is pretty simple, tbh. Borrow money using the company you're acquiring as collateral (that's right: you're using an asset you don't own as collateral to acquire it - like a mortgage, except the transaction is nonconsensual for the "seller").

Sell off the company's assets, especially real-estate holdings, so the company now has to pay rent for its own buildings (this is very popular with PE takeovers of chain restaurants, exposing them to rent-shocks).

Eliminate cost-centers that provide long-term value to the company, but whose absence isn't felt in the short term - like buying up newspapers and firing the local sales staff who know local merchants, consolidating sales to a national office.

(If you think Google and Facebook killed newspapers, you're not wrong, but you're not right either: they'd been consolidated and asset stripped for decades, had their cash reserves, plant and real estate sold off, and were weak and flailing when the internet came along)

Declare a special dividend for the PE owners and their investors, in which the cash you realize from the selloffs disappears into offshore tax-havens, leaving behind a damaged, failing business.

When the company fails, restructure it through bankruptcy. Take special care to zero out obligations to suppliers (the entire US independent toy industry was annihilated by the PE shutdown of Toys R Us) and workers (bye, Sears pensions).

Engage in predatory conduct. Buy doctors' groups that serve hospital emergency rooms and opt them out of all insurance plans. Stick people who show up in ambulances, unconscious or in extremis, with titanic bills. $5k for an icepack? Why not!

Make minimal payments to the creditors who loaned you the money to do the leveraged buyout. Maybe buy the debt from them at pennies on the dollar and start extracting debt payments from the company - predatory behavior can help with this!

Hospitals and newspapers are really great for this, because they're important so they get bailouts. Canada's giant newspaper bailout will direct millions in taxpayer funds to the US vulture capitalists who tanked Postmedia and the National Post.

Hospitals are an AMAZING storefront for this kind of long-con, especially in a crisis. There are so many ways to cash out. They're like the craps-table of The Pandemic Casino, a moneyspinner for the casino boss.

Like, if you happen to own a beloved low-income hospital that has served poor people in a city with some of the worst poverty in America, you can offer to rent it to the city for $1m/month!

https://pluralistic.net/2020/04/02/eff-livestream-today/#joel-kills

Or if you're a PE company that staffs about half of the country's hospitals (especially their front-line ER docs and nurses), you can slash their pay and benefits and they'll keep showing up for work!

https://pluralistic.net/2020/04/01/pluralistic:-01-apr-2020/#private-equity

Or you can just demand a bailout. Steward is a PE-backed hospital chain whose debt-loaded acquisition of Easton Hospital in Lehigh Valley (PA) left the region's major hospital saddled with so much debt it was already on the brink of collapse.

https://www.counterpunch.org/2020/04/03/hospital-bailouts-begin-for-those-owned-by-private-equity-firms/

It's owned by Cerberus, a giant and notorious PE looter. Cerebus is about to pocket $8m in bailout money approved by PA governor Tom Wolf, who was responding to Steward's threat to shut down the hospital effective Mar 27 if it didn't get a payout.

https://www.lehighvalleylive.com/coronavirus/2020/03/easton-hospital-owner-to-proceed-immediately-on-closure-without-state-takeover-by-midnight.html

The $8m is a downpayment, and there's $24m more to come. It's true that when Cerebus bought Easton Hospital, it was struggling...because it had ALREADY been debt-loaded by another PE looter, Forstmann Little & Co.

And while Cerebus's investors have made huge profits from the transaction, the Steward hospitals are the worst-performing in PA, with $592m in losses in 2017/8.

http://www.chiamass.gov/assets/Uploads/mass-hospital-financials/2018-annual-report/Acute-Hospital-Health-System-Financial-Performance-Report-FY2018.pdf

When PE companies acquire doctors' groups, they argue that they're merely investing in the front-line caregivers, and that these are still owned and representative of those doctors who save our lives. But that's a lie.

Dr Ming Lin is a 17-year ER veteran who was just fired from Bellingham, WA's Peacehealth St. Joseph Medical Center after going public about the lack of PPE and the unsafe conditions for caregivers and patients at his hospital.

The company that fired him is Teamhealth, owned by Blackstone. the largest PE company in the world. Teamhealth says that the doctor's practices it owns are actually run by doctors, but has refused to publish the operating agreements it has with those docs.

Docs like Ming Lin. If you believe Teamhealth practices are run by docs, then you have to believe that Ming Lin fired himself. Otherwise, Blackstone fired him.

https://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2020/04/what-wall-street-doesnt-want-you-to-know-about-hospital-emergency

Blackstone has ordered ALL of its docs to be silent on lack of PPE, on pain of immediate dismissal. Its CEO, Stephen Schwarzman, is a Trump insider, and the order protects Trump from negative news stories that reveal his complicity in the negligent homicide of Americans.

Private equity is a scam. The math that shows that it's providing value - as opposed to helping socially useless parasites loot real businesses that provide real value - is a window-dressing, like fraudulent bond ratings that were used to sell CDOs.

Image: Lisa Brewster https://www.flickr.com/photos/sophistechate/2670946312

CC BY-SA https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

#Pluralistic

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hunnybadgerv · 4 years

Text

Fly High, Fly Free | Far Cry 5 | Leah Rook

Summary: John extends an invitation that Leah cannot resist, but nature intrudes, presenting a detour that isn’t entirely unwelcome.

a/n: I decided that it might be a lot of fun to give these two the first tastes of a relationship before they end up at odds. Again, my deepest and most sincere thanks to @amistrio and @chyrstis for betaing this for me. Their insight and suggestions have been so helpful, and really helped me gain confidence with this piece and with writing John, especially.

Full Story on Ao3

Fly High, Fly Free

-1-

The sun hung high in the clear sky as the afternoon pressed onward. Adrenaline pumped through Leah’s veins as she watched Helena slip away beneath them and the mountains poke through the trees. There was no place more beautiful, she thought. Shifting from side to side, she stared out of the cockpit of John’s plane. The area, familiar as it may be, took on a whole other nature from this altitude. The glassy surface of a lake reflected the puffy clouds in the blue sky. Pale dirt roads spidered over the hills to destinations unknown as they disappeared into thick stands of dark green evergreen trees.

The offer to fly her home for the weekend seemed a little over the top at first, but the tone of his voice when he suggested the idea made it impossible to turn down. Plus, the opportunity to cut her commute from 3 hours to 30 minutes made the proposal as tempting as the man making it. She had to admit that giving him her number had been the smartest decision she made in the last six months.

John Seed was tall, lean, and handsome with a pair of baby blue eyes she could just drown in. Even better, he proved to be a gentleman and a breathtaking kisser. Leah sat back in the rear seat of the antique plane and shifted; a part of her was sure she could feel the condom she’d stuffed in her pocket before she headed out to her truck. Maybe she was jumping the gun, but she was into him. And he seemed to like her, too.

The awe and elation that came with the flight did nothing to quell her clashing feelings; the enthusiasm and anxiety battled within her over what might happen later. She didn’t know if she read too much into the way things were going between John and her. Sure, she’d been raised in the church, went to Sunday School and services every week with her family, but John’s religiosity far outstripped hers. To top it off, his brother was a pastor from what she’d been able to glean from their talks. Of course, there was also the chance that she’d misread every sign that seemed to hint that he might be ready to go to the next level.

With a shake of her head, she rolled her eyes at her own adolescent thoughts.

“Leah.”

God, I love the way he says my name, she thought.

“Leah!”

With a start, she sat up straighter in her seat. “Yes, John. Sorry. I was … distracted.”

“Can’t say I blame you.” There was a hint of glee in his voice when it filled her ears again through the headset. “It’s beautiful up here.”

Little did he know she wasn’t distracted only by the scenery beneath them. Her attention flicked forward, catching a hint of his face in the small rear-view mirrors near the control panel in front of him. She had no idea what it might actually be called, but that seemed as good a term as any.

Damn those sunglasses, she thought. She would have loved to know if he might be sneaking a peek at her, like she was at him.

“It really is,” she agreed.

“See that stick in front of you?”

“Yeah,” she said, scrunching her eyebrows together.

“Grab it.”

“Why?”

“Just hold it steady.”

She did as he asked, but only because she had an inkling about what he might be planning. “John, I do not know how to fly.”

“It isn’t difficult. Just keep the position fixed.”

“John.”

“It’s fine, Leah. I have faith in you.”

Guess it’s great that one of us does, she thought as she stared down at her hands. Her grasp was so tight on the yoke that her knuckles were turning white. The possibility of moving it the wrong way and sending them into that glassy lake they’d passed scared the shit out of her. “John?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t know how to fly, John.”

“Flying is the easy part,” he told her in a relaxed tone. “Actually, the trickiest thing is getting into and out of the air. Once you’re up here, though, it’s a total dream. Just keep your heading.”

“John! Don’t you dare let go of that stick!” Leah yelled.

“Let go?” he said. Damn him, she could hear the smirk in his voice. “I haven’t been flying this plane for at least three minutes now.”

“What?”

His hands rose high enough for her to see them from her seat. “See? It’s so easy, you didn’t know you were doing it.”

“You put your hands back on those controls,” she admonished, aiming for stern castigation that came out more like stark panic.

John, unperturbed by her tone, threaded his hands behind his head. “But this is so relaxing.”

“For you, maybe.” She could feel the tension building in her shoulders. A quake trickled down her arms to her hands, which telegraphed into the movement of the aircraft. “Christ,” she hissed under her breath. Leah tried to correct every single little tremor.

“Ease up a little. Not so tight,” John instructed, his voice buttery and soothing. “You don’t drive with a white-knuckle grip. You shouldn’t fly with one either.”

Leah Rook knew stubborn when she saw it or heard it; hell, she could be as bull-headed herself. Despite his reassuring tone, she recognized the fact that he bore no intention of rescuing her from this fresh new hell. No, John would not give this up until she tried to fly the plane, actually tried. Leah sighed and summoned up the will to address the anxious tightness creeping through her upper body.

“If you push away from you, you’ll tip the nose downward. Pull back and our altitude will rise. If you want to bank left or right, do it gently. If you bank hard, you could take us for a real fun spin though.” He said it like the move might be something worth trying.

“I don’t think so,” she said flatly, disagreeing with every fiber of her being.

“I thought you said you were adventurous,” John chided.

Leah laughed tensely. “Adventurous is rock climbing or base jumping. Putting your plane in the hands of someone who has never flown—that’s just foolish.”

“I disagree. You’re doing a great job.”

“Not sure your insurance carrier would agree.” She could feel the shaking of the muscles in the front of her shoulders, but a slow, smooth movement of the yoke kept it from being quite as obvious.

“Well, then they’re fools. I trust you with my plane and more,” he admitted.

Leah’s eyes shot up toward those mirrors. He didn’t look like someone who had said something they didn’t intend. Of course, that observation didn’t make her brain restart in a timely manner. She just blinked, once, twice. “Glad you approve,” she managed to mumble around her own myriad of thoughts.

John chuckled; hands still folded behind his head like he was just enjoying a relaxing Sunday afternoon as the world slipped by beneath them. He was silent for a time, then spoke up again. “Take a look at those dials in front of you.”

Peeking up at him in the mirror again, she noticed he’d slid his sunglasses back into his hair and looked right at her. Her green eyes lowered once more, skating over the panel with the ease of someone held at gunpoint. John proceeded to talk her through a basic understanding of the dials and knobs, then directed her through an easy bank onto a new heading.

Flying got easier after that. It still intimidated her, but Leah felt the tension easing gradually. She piloted the plane for about ten more minutes before John finally sat back up again. “Want to try your hand at a landing?”

Fuck no!

“I’ll pass,” Leah told him a little tightly.

“All right then. Let me take her,” he said in a smooth tone.

“All yours.” She let go of the stick like it suddenly burned her, holding both her hands up in surrender as she sank against the back of the seat finally.

He landed them at a grass covered dirt strip carved out of a thick section of forest. It was bumpy, but she blamed that on the locale, not his skill. Once he’d taxied toward the hangar, they disembarked, and Leah waited to get both her feet back on solid ground before she hauled off and punched him in the shoulder—it wasn’t hard, but it was more than just playful.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Leah lectured, wearing a bit of a pout as she crossed her arms over her chest.

John chuckled and pulled her toward him. “You’re a natural.” His arms folded around her in a gentle embrace

“Don’t try and butter me up with compliments.” Leah narrowed her green eyes in a failing attempt to be upset with him.

He brushed her chestnut hair behind her ear, then let his fingers trail down the length of her neck. “I would never.” The seriousness in his tone didn’t match up with the mischievous look in his blue eyes.

“Uh-huh.”

John pressed a gentle peck to her pouting lips.

For the moment, that appeased her reproving gaze. Of course, John Seed was quick on the uptake; reading people seemed to come naturally to him. He did it again, letting his lips linger on hers with each subsequent chaste peck.

Eventually, Leah leaned into his embrace and slipped an arm around him as she cast a curious glance around them. “Where are we?”

“About halfway between Helena and Fall’s End.”

She raised her eyebrows at him in an effort to get him to be more forthcoming.

“It’s a little duster strip. Doesn’t see a lot of use these days.”

“Mmhmm. And you just happened to stumble across it?”

“Or,” John replied in a sing-song tone, “the owner’s a friend.”

He kissed her on the tip of the nose, and she pressed her hands over the soft blue fabric of his vest. She liked being in his arms, feeling him close.

“So, what are we doing here?” she asked tugging at the top button.

John’s index finger curled under her chin, lifting her lips to his again. “I told you we’d get dinner.” His words were as slow and gentle as his touch. He took her hand in his and led her toward the hangar.

“I don’t see any restaurants,” she said as they strolled across the ground.

“Nope.”

“Then how do you propose to get dinner? Little late in the day for hunting,” she joked. “And I left my rifle at home.”

“There’s a pond not far off.”

Leah’s pace slowed. He can’t be serious.

John grinned at her as they neared the building. In disbelief, she looked away. She could fish, but it wasn’t really something she enjoyed all that much. That’s when she noticed a picnic basket sitting atop a workbench on the back wall.

“John?” Her voice came out somewhere between curious and surprised.

“I’m kidding.” He gave her another crooked, beautiful smirk, squeezed her hand, and led her deeper into the hangar. “For someone who likes adventure, you ask a lot of questions.”

Leah giggled. “Blame the training,” she chided with an easy shrug.

“Here.” John picked up a thick blanket and handed it to her. She had to let go of his hand in order to carry the weighty coverlet.

John went to the refrigerator in the corner and pulled out a dark bag with a long handle that he slung over his shoulder. Leah leaned toward him and raised her eyebrows trying to catch a peek in the fridge and see if there was anything else of note tucked away inside.

“You know they say curiosity killed the cat,” he teased, closing the door again quickly.

“They also say that the future belongs to the curious. The ones who aren’t afraid to try life. Explore it, poke at it, question it, and turn it inside out.”

John’s gaze on her held a gentleness as he leaned against the table. “Can’t say I’ve ever heard that one.”

Leah grinned at him. “Well, I also had a teacher in middle school who told us that curiosity was the wick in the candle of learning.”

He laughed softly. “Take it I’m not the first person to point out that trait.”

She smiled widely, with a healthy trace of pride, and shook her head at him. “Not even close.”

Picking up the basket, John held his empty hand out for her to take. Leah did and laced their fingers together, but she curtailed her questions for the moment in order to just enjoy the quiet, the landscape, and the company.

Read the rest on Ao3

#Far Cry 5 #Far Cry 5 fanfiction #John Seed #Leah Rook #Badger Scribbles #Snippets #Huge thanks to my brilliant betas #Feel free to leave a comment #I love those #Thank you so much for reading #This story does include some steamy bits #but I left those out of the snippet #You can find that in the full story on AO3 #Thanks again!

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somevestrit · 4 years

Text

Currently losing my mind

So I live in this really old really not well kept up with duplex that’s got a lot of issues. Some are aesthetic like shoddy paint jobs, tons of wholes in the walls from the last tenant hanging stuff and neither them nor my landlord filling them in, bits of the popcorn ceiling in my bathroom and bedroom (it’s a one bedroom duplex) have fallen off (sometimes falling on me while I’m in bed asleep). But then other stuff way more important is at issue, like how there’s a leak that causes water to collect in the vent above my bed which causes that one (1) of three (3) patches to falll, the fact that I have two broken windows that don’t lock (one of which is large enough and low enough to the ground someone can easily climb in through the outside if they knew it was broken. I have done so a couple of times), also also the lock on my front door is broken so for about a year it didn’t lock and I had to rely entirely on the glass screen door for protection (I have since had a friend over who broke it in a different way so that it now just doesn’t open, which is annoying but more safe).

When I told my landlord about the door and the windows as they were more obvious danger issues, and the water damage at the time wasn’t nearly as bad, she told me she’d have to think about what to do. A week later she told me she was selling the house. I stayed during the selling of the house because the place was so run down there was no way my rent would go up that much, and I hoped whoever bought it would fix the obvious issues.

The person who bought it did not do an inspection and was very surprised and upset when I asked her if she was going to be fixing the broken door and window if I stayed. She said there was no way for her to start making a profit if she fixed them so she wouldn’t.

I started looking for somewhere safer to live, but pre-COVID rent was stupid high every where around me. I make well over minimum wage here, and I didn’t have any student loans and just paid basic bills and insurance, but even with that I couldn’t get approved for an apartment in an area that was run down or dangerous. And I desperately wanted a place that wasn’t falling apart around me at this point.

I went back to my landlord to ask if I could stay for now while I figured out my finances so I could afford to move out. At first she said it was fine, but after coming in for an inspection of some kind, she “found out” I had a cat and that they didn’t allow animals in their rentals. The first thing you see when you walk in through the side door is a huge litter box (I have two cats and my litter box comes with a lid I always put on when people are coming over so they don’t have to see anything going on in there). She had visited the house before she bought it. She knew I had at least one cat. She also knew I had been living there for about two years before she bought it so at this point if there was going to be any damage done from the cats, it was already done. So I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why she was suddenly bringing it up and telling me I had to get out.

Knowing it was legal for her to do this, I started desperately trying to figure something out. I was looking for rental houses in lower income areas and I had applied for an apartment at a place I had lived at before and the building was fairly new and fairly cheap, but places were going fast and there was a wait list. I told her I was waiting on the apartment, but a couple of months went by, including the projected date they’d have a space open for me, and I still didn’t have an apartment.

My landlord was ok with waiting at first, but then she had someone lined up to come in after me. There was one month where she was telling me I was selfish and putting everyone in a bad spot because I hadn’t moved out yet, that I was inconveniencing people. My last landlord (someone I used to be close to) had told this woman that I barely made any money, that I just didn’t have a lot saved up. My current landlord thought I was poor, but was trying to kick me out.

But wait, it gets worse.

Towards the end of that month I am half packed, getting ready to move into my friend’s place while I waited for an apartment to come available for me to move into or to find somewhere else because it was becoming obvious she wouldn’t let me stay another month even if I had nowhere to go. Towards the end of the month, however, she told me the people who were going to move in after me no longer needed the place, and I was welcome to stay if I wanted to.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but figured I should take her up on her offer because the rent would still be much cheaper at my current place and I could work on getting a better paying job in the mean time. She still refused the fix anything and was raising my rent $200, well more than the place was worth, but I didn’t have much better options.

For this some context on this next part, my neighbors on the other side of my duplex, who are some of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, one of them actually works at the store owned and run by the new landlord. So, sometimes when I’d pass them in the driveway or something I’d hear bits of information from them that my landlord hadn’t bothered to tell me.

Like how when it looked like I was moving out, my landlord had apparently told my neighbor that she was planning on replacing all of the windows and some of the doors. I was pissed, but at the time thought I’d be moving out soon so decided not to let it bother me too much.

Then, after we started working through me actually staying and her working on sending me a lease to sign for a year, there was a night when I was talking to my neighbors. I had the front door open as at this point my friend hadn’t rebroken it to never open, and my neighbors could see inside my house to the mess of packing I had done and had yet to undo because I wasn’t sure if my landlord was going to change her mind or not. My neighbors asked how the unpacking was going and told them that I hadn’t started yet because I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to get to stay. My neighbor waved her hand and said “Oh, her daughter bought a house so they don’t need it anymore.”

They told me about how my landlord’s daughter and her family were moving back to the area and needed a place to crash while they looked for a house to buy, and my landlord was planning on letting them use my place.

Based on that, apparently the only problem was that I was already here and wanting to stay, but the good news was that I didn’t have a lease so they could kick me out whenever they wanted to, all they needed was an excuse and having a pet worked. The could force me out so they didn’t have to share a house anymore.

This landlord thought that I was poor.

Livid, but feeling a bit more secure with a lease now and, again, not really having any better options I stayed. I stayed for a year and they came and looked at the water damage once but fixed nothing. Not the water damage, which the ceiling still gets wet every time it rains, not the windows, not the front door. Nothing.

Knowing I didn’t want to stay another year, I decided I was going to use my savings and buy a house. I had inherited quite a bit of money recently and decided I wasn’t going to deal with landlords anymore, that I was going to live somewhere where I knew if something was broken and was dangerous to me, it would get fixed. I let my landlord know that I would not be renewing the lease. She was fine with that. A few minutes later, she asked if she could send someone in a few days to measure some windows and doors.

The moment I told this woman I was leaving, she decided to fix the things that were putting my life in danger. The thing she refused to fix because “she wouldn’t make a profit off the house” if she did.

I don’t know how else to interpret that other than a big “fuck you” for not getting out of my home when she wanted me to because her daughter’s family needed a place to crash for a month while they bought a house. I don’t know how else to take this except punishment. My friend said she probably knew she couldn’t rent the place out again with it being the way it is. I don’t know how long she would have waited to fix anything, if she ever would have gotten around to it, if I resigned the lease.

Fuck. Landlords.

FUCK. LANDLORDS.

I am lucky that I had friends who were willing and able to take me in when it looked like I was about to be kicked out. I am lucky (in a way) that I happened to inherit enough money to help me get out of this situation. I’m so inexplicably angry over what she did to me, but I also can’t stop thinking about what might have happened if I didn’t have any of those fall backs, if I was as poor as she thought I was.

I repeat: FUCK LANDLORDS

#rent #landlords #landlord #disgusting #eat the rich #classism #unjust #fuck landlords

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